Ultimate Jokes

Difficult Question An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." No Extras! A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.” “I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?” The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.” What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these: "Sure you'll get your figure back. We'll just search 1985 to see where you left it." "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?" "What's the big deal? If you can handle 'me' going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out." "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, will ya?" "Yo, fatass! You're blocking the TV!" "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!" "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." "Got milk?" "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." • • • • • • • • • • • •

Condom Size Tester A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy strut over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!" Cyanide Please A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription." Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say 8. Here honey, you use the remote. 7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. 6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! 5. While I'm up, can I get you anything? 4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held. 3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football , let's watch Melrose Place . 2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. 1. We never talk anymore. 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport 10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20." 9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high

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1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!" Marketing 101 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing .

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing . You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations . You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition . 3 ways to catch a TIGER: 1:- NEWTON METHOD :- let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as observed. 2:- EINSTEIN METHOD :- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and get tired and then you will be able to catch it. 3:-According to most efficient POLICE METHOD:- Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER. A 90-yearold man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." Bush Leadership Test While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" m ind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"















get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!" Certainly a halloween party to remember A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..." Henry ford talking to god Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: There's too much front end protrusion, it chatters way too much at high speeds, maintenance is extremely high, it constantly needs repainting, and refinishing, it is out of commission at least five or six of every 28 days, the rear end wobbles too much, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust, the headlights are usually too small, and fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few." "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours." The brilliant mathematician A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with















"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here," he re," the priest says. BUMPS INTO WOMEN IN LOBBY A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,"if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." Ginne Grants the Wish A husband takes his wife wi fe to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? " She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Old lady who made money betting A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.















I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little l ittle test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. Which part of your body goes to heaven first? The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie? " Suzie replied:"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

Hypothetical and realistic One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores." Escaped Prisoner A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her,















gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." COMPUTER WIN OUT AT THE END

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks....... That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better. What does a kiss taste like? One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work. Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!" Man finds perfect spot to masturbate The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago." Advice from the sex therapist Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems," Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

















Call in sick Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house." Cook for cock While tending to her housework, a woman asks her husband "Will you please fix the cabinet in the kitchen? It's been barely holding on to it's hinges for weeks now." He replies "Does it say 'carpenter' on my forehead?" Surprised, she lets it go and a nd returns to her housework. As she begins begi ns to clean the bathroom, she notices that the lever is getting stuck. She yells from the bathroom, "Honey, the toilet's lever is stuck again! Can you fix it?" She comes into the living room to find him reading the paper. He responds to the puzzled look on her face with... "Do I have "plumber" written on my forehead?" The next day, her husband comes home from work to find the Cabinet fixed, the toilet fixed, and a chipper spouse making the bed in the master bedroom. "Who fixed everything?" "A kind young gentleman came by today, said he was a handyman and asked if I needed anything done around the house. When he finished, he said I couldn't pay him with cash because I don't keep it around the house. He mentioned that was fine and that I could pay him by sucking his dick or cooking him a good meal." "What did you cook for him?" "Does it say "chef" of my forehead?" skuze me. :) An encounter with enoch Sam has been a stock broker for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from two miles over the ridge... Having Havi ng a party Saturday at 7... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years on Wall Street, I can drink with wi th the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."















Top 20 Signs That You've Online 1. Tech Support calls you for help. 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL." 3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "you can hang out." 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. You've gotten on an airplane just to meet some people face-to-face. 8. You have to get a second phone line so you can order pizza. 9. Your wife goes into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be "away." 10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation or complete sentences. 12. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 13. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" 14. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. 15. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again. 16. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses'. 17. You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook. 18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. 19. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (you were online all night). 20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much 10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Old mobile. 9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday. 8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 7- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 6- Absolute wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions. 2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. Sexual Confessional A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." si nned." "Tell me all of your sins, my daughter."















When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?" Don't Eat the Yellow Snow Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When thier kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want thier children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?" Girls' Night Out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' What Do I Look Like? A newly wed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber? A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore















The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly." Signs You're Older Now... -You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. -You can live without sex, but not without glasses. -Your back goes out more than you do. -You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. -You buy a compass for the dash of your car. -You are proud of your lawn mower. -Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws. -You call Olan Mills before they call you. -Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. -You sing along with the elevator music. -You would rather go to work than stay home sick. -You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. -You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. -You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. -You make an appointment to see the dentist. -You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. -Neighbors borrow your tools. -People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" -You have dreams about prunes. -You answer a question with "because I said so!" -You send money to PBS. -The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. -You take a metal detector to the beach. -You wear black socks with sandals. -You know what the word "equity" means. -You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV. -Your ears are hairier than your head. -You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. -You get into a heated argument about pension plans. -You got cable for the weather channel. -You go bowling without drinking. -You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. Biology Class In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in semen?"















SNOW WHITE Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, hiked up her dress and then sat on his face screaming, "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!" CHOCOLATE MILK Once there were three guys and a prostitute. The first guy went to her and sucked her nipples and chocolate milk came out. He was excited and told the second guy about her. The second guy did the same thing and the same thing happened, chocolate milk came out. So the second guy went and told the third guy chocolate milk came out of this prostitutes tits, so the third guy went to her and asked "Does chocolate milk really come out of your tits?" The girl said "No it's breast cancer." Limericks There was a young lady from Leith Who would circumcise men with her teeth It wasn't for fame Or love of the game But to get at the cheese underneath.

There was a young actress from Crewe, Who remarked as the vicar withdrew, The Bishop was quicker and thicker and slicker, and two inches longer than you. There was a young vampire called Mabel, whose periods were always quite stable, at every full moon she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table. There was a young plumber from Lee, who was plumbing his girl with great glee, she said stop your plumbing, I think someone's coming, said the plumber still plumbing "its me"! There was a young man from Pitlocherie, making love to his girl in the rockery, she said look you've cum, all over my bum, This isn't a shag it's a mockery.

















3 Eggs And A Little Cash! A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them." Magic Sandals This married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around a busy Bombay marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." The married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild and crazy at the sex, just like great desert camel." Well, the wife's eyes lit up as her husband wasn't exactly the sex god he thought...far from it in fact. The husband felt he really didn't need them though, "How on earth can a pair of sandals turn somebody into a sex freak???"















and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." Trouble With Bull An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall. One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.















room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..." A Day At The Vet's One day a man took his poodle to the veterinarian. As he walked into the waiting















Blind Man In A Restaurant A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.















The guy: Well still that can't be all that bad. Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted kneecap, a smaller dick and then I found out I had no health coverage. Ungrateful Wife A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

















into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."















As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do... 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there." The Exterminator (30 November 2006) The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tune. The woman cocked her ear: "Quick, it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she















So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying, "Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?" The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back tomorrow!" So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my mom to give daddy those pills?" She replied, "Yes" The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You bitch!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. My ass hurts, and















Butcher's Pussy One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner. He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me." Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten. The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.















My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family". The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. The Colonel A crusty old U. S. Air Force Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

















Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." Best Time To Process Your Payment (16 November 2006) Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."















them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.















The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender















whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor. One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an equally naked lady.















While out fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted: "Are there any gators around here!?"













































































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