SUPER DAVE DAVE 1. We all know that the Swiss Swiss are officially officially neutral, neutral, unofficia unofficially lly however, however, they’re they’re filthy filthy sons of bitches. 2. Remember Remember the old days days when tweeting tweeting meant meant stabbing stabbing a hooker? hooker? . Why is there an a!! for for everythi everything, ng, e"ce!t, e"ce!t, how to ra!e a baby baby #. Some gold gold !lated !lated chains would make make a nice nice retirement retirement gift gift for for a very very very good good slave $. % can !rove !rove &od e"ists, e"ists, if % could could 'ust find find that damn damn recei!t recei!t from our brunch brunch in the (am!tons ). We could could ni! *arch *arch madness madness in in the bud ifif we watch watch for for the warning warning signs signs of brooding anti social +ebruary fever . Well this this -indsay -indsay -ohan can’t can’t swim swim a stroke stroke but she sure sure knows every every dive dive in town . /all me an old old softie, softie, but %’d !refer !refer if you you call me a distingui distinguished shed gentleman gentleman with with a flagging erection. 0. % remember remember back back when the the (arlem (arlem Shake Shake was 'ust 'ust a black black fella fella holding holding me u!side down off a fire esca!e trying to collect his money 1. Sure 'unkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found guarding concentration cam!s. ote3 4arly version of 5im /roce6s 10 smash hit 7ad 7ad 4eroy 7rown included the line 8*eaner than a concentration cam! dog9 but /roce decided it was un!leasant to the ear. :nd :nd it was also offensive to 5ews, &y!sies and homose"uals. -ittle did it matter, /roce would be dead within the year. 11. 11. ;ee! throat !orn legend (arry Reeves died, died, how are they going to close that that casket?< 12. :lfred the great may well be the greatest monarch in the history of 4ngland = the worst? Richard the goat fucker.
TOM GREEN 1. >his 4aster Sunday, Sunday, Snoo! ;ogg gets to to say 8/hrist is rieen9 rieen9 1#. We wear new clothes on 4aster to re!resent /hrist6s /hrist6s trium!hant a!!earance to the stunned :!ostles, in a shar! 2 button blaer by (ugo 7oss. 1$. >he guy who did the voice of /harlie /harlie 7rown was arrested for stalking stalking his girlfriend this week. (e also said the ne"t time -ucy grabs away the football, he6s going to 8cut that bitch9 1). @resident Abama continues to shamelessly wage class warfare. >oday >oday he announced a stee! new ta" on shiny to! hats. 1. Some folks say what this country needs is a good five cent cigar. %’m %’m guessing they6re o!!osing obamacare. 1. % don6t know if this counts as an /:: cinderella cinderella story, but one of the marBuette !layers said he had hel! making his uniform, from a bunch of singing mice and birds. 10. % read a story about 1 year old kid kid who stole a !lane, crashed it, it, and survived. Why don’t we make the whole !lane out of that kid? 2. Warning to the 4aster bunny, bunny, don6t !ut all your eggs in one basket fella. 21. >hey say the world6s a smaller smaller !lace than it used to be, but % think that’s an o!tical illusion, based on me becoming a big fat guy. gu y. 22. &rowing u!, % never would have believed that that one day %’d need a com!uter 'ust to masterbate.
2. 5on (amm has a big dick. % could have told you that but % don6t suck and tell. 2#. Swedish 7ond girl 7ritt 4kland told @iers *organ this week that she was seduced by Warren 7eatty after the legendary lothario took her to an " rated movie for their first date. >his is what % have to say about that 8(ey Warren, sto! stealing my moves<9 2$. >homas 4dison invented the lightbulb, but % invented the lightbulb u! my ass. 2). Actomom is facing 'ail time for committing welfare fraud. Who didn6t see that one coming. % mean seriously, a single mother of < 2. % am not a big fan of video games where you can not kill a !rostitute. 2. >he thing % miss most about the s is rolling a number and giving my old lady some head. 20. /elebrating :!ril 1st birthdays, Russian !ianist Sergei Romanov, who was born on this day in 12, ra!!er *ethod *an is #1, ;ebbie Reynolds turns today, Rachel *addow is 0, and former &erman /hancellor (elmut Schmidt would have been 0$ today. :!ril +ools< +ormer &erman /hancellor (elmut Schmidt is alive and well< . % love -ou &ehrig, but %’m not going to stand u! in front of a million !eo!le and brag that %6m the luckiest man in the world because some doctors named a disease after me. /onfidence is one thing, but arrogance is the worst disease of them all. 1. Ane day in the ho!efully not too distant future, orth Corean dictator Cim 5ong Dn is going to hear a loud !o!!ing sound. >he sound of his head coming out of his own ass< 2. : *iami +lorida !im! is in custody after forcing a 1 year old !rostitute to have his name tattooed on her eyelids when she threatened to run away from him. Roman >homas >he rd faces charges of human traffic, false im!risonment, lewd and lascivious e"hibition, and delivery of a controlled substance to a child. Eou know the scri!tures say 8'udge not lest ye be 'udged9 but %’m 'ust going to come out and say it. >his 8Roman >homas the rd guy9 this guy6s a real 'erk . % used to think revenge was a dish best served cold, but then % realied it meant, getting back at somebody. #. (ey news media, leave Cim Cardashian alone, will you? She6s !regnant of course she6s going to gain weight and if anyone knows about ra!id weight gain it6s me. I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say OINK!
$. % think enough time has !assed since 10# where % can safely admit it. % wish % was the guy that finally wi!ed the annoying smirk off the 7lack ;ahlia6s face. ). *usic is the universal language, but one day soon it will be re!laced by /hinese. . % feel the same way about slaves as % do about shirts with flame !atterns on them. % don6t want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them. . *ickey *antle knew two things, drinking, and !laying drunk baseball. 0. Why doesn6t a!!lebee6s call their a!!etiers a!!letiers? :nd why doesn’t that waitress % met at >&% +ridays ever call me back. #. >his administration is cutting back drastically on military s!ending but doesn’t think defense ca!abilities will be com!rised? (ow so? %’ll tell you how so< &rou!ons #1. : world wide scientific study confirms a long held sus!icionF no one anywhere likes drum circles. #2. 5ustin bieber6s monkey has been Buarantined, which reminds us how far we’ve come since headlines about @earl (arbor and ;=;ay.
#. %n the coffee sho! line today % hear the guy behind me say 8% like to start by biting the ears off9 and % had to !ray 8@lease god let him be talking about a chocolate 4aster bunny9 ##. 4arlier this week :aron 5ackson of >o!eka Cansas !ainted his house the colors of the gay !ride rainbow flag in direct !rotest of the Westboro 7a!tist /hurch. When that didn’t seem to work, 5ackson fucked of his best buds on his front lawn. #$. /hi!otle has canceled its !lanned s!onsorshi! of the Dtah 7oy Scout event due to the 7S:6s ban on gay leaders and scouts. %ronic how an all male anti=gay organiation would want to !ut hot thick loads of beef and sour cream in their mouth. #). +ormer >ennessee >itans cheerleader 4liabeth -eigh &arner is accused of !ulling a 12 year old boy !ants off and offering him oral se". >he boy refused her advance, not because he was 12 but because he was a diehard /olts fan.
Fred Stoller #. +ormer !ornstar 5enna 5ameson was arrested this weekend after allegedly assaulting someone. >his may be the most damaging to ha!!en to her image since a ) year career in !ornogra!hy. #. Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? 7ecause it reminded him of Richard /lock = the man convicted of knife ra!ing his wife. G-inkH #0. Ieterinarians in /olorado have re!orted that mari'uana use is on the rise among dogs. >hey say you will know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall sandwich. $. *y doctor told me % should start 'uicing you know? >he !roblem is % don’t think he meant ham 'uice. $1. %’m so fat when % get my shoes shined % have to take the boot blacks word for it. $2. @orn actor Ron 5eremy is back at work after having o!en heart surgery. >he name of his ne"t feature is called 8%’m going to have to sit down for most of this9 $. ;ance like nobody6s watching. Sing like nobody6s listening. -ove like you’ve never been hurt. :nd fuck like a goddamn retard. $#. (ow many !olish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb. >he Buestion can not be answered because !olish !eo!le are so fucking stu!id that no matter how many of them are available none of them would ever be able to com!lete that sim!le task. $$. (ow many comedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb. Ane to do it, and the other guy to go 8(ow long’s he been u! there?9 $). *y 7rother in -aw is so stu!id he came u! with a bucket list. Cnow what the first thing on his bucket list was? /ommitting suicide. $. (ave you heard about the # +- !layers that are coming out of the closet? %t6s about time % think. % think it6s high time. 7ecause isn6t it strange that nobody’s come out of closet in an entire s!ort of football? Where there6s 2J !layers. So there6s a great deal of s!eculation on who the # &ay !layers will be. nobody knows. *y guess it6s those # that are always sucking each others cocks. $. 7ecause of droughts all over 4uro!e, scientists are !redicting a global shortage of olive oil. Soon the world will know the way the way @o!eye felt after the death of his wife. $0. %t takes forever to get a !ilot6s license, but it only takes a cou!le of minutes to steal a !ilot’s 'acket and hat.
). 7arbara Walters is !lanning to announce her retirement, what6s ne"t for 7abs? ;eath.
BILLY BOB THORNTON )1. % think there6s nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. 4"ce!t at wolf !icnics when you don6t have a !artner for the wolf wheelbarrow races. )2. >he Actomom has re!ortedly been evicted from her california home. >he mother of 1 children !acked u! and left her !ro!erty in !almdale after being asked to leave for not !aying her rent for the month of a!ril. >he single !arent whose real name is adya Suleman e"ited leaving a huge mess and the stench of urine inside the !ad. Wait it says here the urine has been traced back to :dam 4get. ). /all me cray, but % take orders from martians who send secret message beamed out from the antenna at the to! of the 4m!ire State 7uilding. )#. : &eorgia high school is !lanning to merge their formerly all black and all white !roms into a single event. >he theme of this 5une6s dance? :n evening of unbridled race war. )$. : florida man was arrested for stealing K), worth of cam!bell6s sou!. % for one ho!e this guy goes away for mm mm good. )). *y girlfriend and % have a deal where we have 1 celebrity that we can slee! with and it6s not considered cheating. Mine is that woman who !lays *adea. ). %n kansas a &ay rights activist named :aron 5ackson !ayed K, to buy a house across from the homo!hobic Westboro 7a!tist /hurch, and had it !ainted rainbow colors. *r. 5ackson !lans to recou! his investment by, well actually there6s no !lan. (ave fun living in a hideous house in Cansas across from some vicious bigots. ). %ts earth day< >he one day of the year where you can 'erk off outside and nothing bad can ha!!en. )0. : new study shows that most men can identify a gay man by his face alone. %t’s his face that6s buried in another mans asshole.
LARRY KING . :!!arently someone in germany stole $ metric tons of nutella. @olice haven’t arrested anyone yet but they are Buestioning &unter +unhog, the !ound man that smells like chocolate and haelnuts who guards the utella storage facility. % love the movie #2. %t’s /hadwick 7oseman like you6ve never seen him before. 1. >here6s no wrong way to eat a reese6s. Says the guy who didn’t shove a bunch of reese6s u! his ass. 2. :manda 7ynes is a lush blonde who’s Buickly turning into a blonde lush. . (ave you heard about this thing where !eo!le make u! !orn star names? >hey take their childhood !et6s name, and then they combine it with their street name. So anyways, mine would be dick fuckington. #. /ollege +reshman Scott ;ameron set a new world record by using his head to bust 1#2 eggs and he now officially holds a !lace in the &uinness 7ook of +ucking Retards. $. %f you were a Russian !rostitute on a date with cereal killer :ndrei /hikatilo :C: >he Rostov Ri!!er, and he couldn’t achieve an erection, that was not your lucky day. ). >he :l Laeda online magaine 8%ns!ire9 has a reci!e for a homemade bomb. >hey also have a reci!e for a !retty darn good !each cobbler.
. Eou know my clothes make me look slimmer. 7ut they didn’t fool that flight of stairs that colla!sed under my astonishing new girth. . % loved -iberace, but with all due res!ect man, if you kicked that guy in the ass, 1 cocks would fall out.
KEVIN NEALON 0. +ast and +urious ) o!ens ne"t week. >he cast is getting a little older, it’s less fast and furious and more 87risk and !eeved9 . : good name for a dog is syndrome . >hen when he tries to attack someone you can yell 8;own Syndrome<9 1. %’ve never gotten a decent e"!lanation as to how @o!eye the Sailor *an lost his eye. 2. %n my o!inion if we are going to fight the war on terror, a good !lace to start would be our country’s haunted houses. . MM >o! sang that every girl6s cray bout a shar! dressed man. 7ut you know what they6re not cray about? &ross long beards. #. *ovie star and award winning director 7en :ffleck has vowed to live one day on K1.$ or as :dam 4get calls it 8a raise9 $. %n 4ngland a woman was arrested for throwing a birthday !arty for her 1) year old Son that involved mari'uana, alcohol and stri!!ers. ow she’s got an even bigger !roblem, what to do for his 1th birthday. ). (orses must love that they6re the go=to animals when saying a guy has a huge cock. % bet giraffes have huge cocks, %’m sure of it. 7ut let6s face it, no one6s ever going to say 8>hat guy’s hung like a giraffe9 unless his cock is yellow and has brown s!ots on it. %n which case who cares how big his fucking cock is, he has weeks to live. . >omorrow is national secretary6s day, % !lan on getting my secretary the same thing i always do. : big fat goosing. . Remember the good old days back when *%-+ stood for *entally %ll -ady %6d like to fuck 0. >im >ebow6s time in ew Eork wasn6t a total loss, he had a monument built to him in central !ark. : bench. 0. /atherine Meta 5ones has been diagnosed with bi!olar disorder. (alf the time she6s Meta, half the time she6s 5ones. 01. : new tabloid rumor 2$ !ound Cim Cardashian might be getting !aid to gain weight. 7y some weight loss !rogram or reality show that will then get her to lose weight. % have a similar deal, only % !aid them, and by them % mean Mankou /hicken. :nd in e"change they give me some Mankou /hicken. 02. /ats and !ara!legics have a lot in common. +or starters, neither a!!reciates getting thrown into your !ool. 0. >hey say there6s no !eo!le like show !eo!le, but now scientists have found that show !eo!le are genetically leaked to the -a!landers, and the +inns.
THAT GUY FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY 0#. ;es!ite all the advances in veterinary medicine and racing technology the Centucky ;erby record set by Secretariat still stands, the reason? >oday6s horses are total !ussies. 0$. 5ah Rule’s ta"es are 'ust like his music. o one can remember the last time he released anything.
0). /atherine Meta 5ones admitted she is bi!olar, half the time she is deliriously ha!!y, and the other half she has to suck an old mans cock. 0. %f tam!ons are called sanitary na!kins, how unsanitary must regular na!kins be? 0. Scientists have found a submerged mass of granite off the coast of south america that they are calling the 7railian atlantis. ;amnit, % want to be called the 7railian atlantis. 00. /rews in Ahio dismantled a tavern wall in search of 5immy (offa6s body, and sure enough, they found the inside of a tavern wall. 1. % once missed a day of /osmetology school and later % had to make u! class. 11. >he ;alai -ama said that killing in the name of religion is unthinkable. (ey thanks ;alai -ama, %’m sure everybody will fucking listen to you. 12. Eesterday was bring your daughter to work day, which was awkward for :dam 4get. ;o you know how hard it is to fuck a whore with her kid on the edge of the bed !laying intendo? 1. % like hotels, they make your bed, make your dinner, send housekee!ers u! to watch you masterbate, its a dream. 1#. >he !arents of (oneybooboo are getting married this week. % don’t know what any of that means but it sounds fucking retarded. 1$. Recent studies show fish can communicate with each other using subtle !hysical gestures. Ane of their most common messages, 8-ets leave this !arty early9 1). % assume anyone smiling is on meth. 1. :ccording to a new survey, Robin Roberts is america6s most trusted news anchor. :nd :merica6s least trusted news anchor? *att -iar. 1. :riel /astro the /leveland kidna!!er and ra!ist must have had a very difficult u!bringing. (is last name’s the same as a ruthless dictator, and his first name’s the same as an adorable, little red mermaid. 10. : new study found that men with beards are more attractive. *ore great work from the university of 7ob Seger.
NICK SARDSON 11. : +lorida university student was caught streaking on cam!us and a!!arently told !olice he was on acid, and asked them to cut his dick off. 7oy these kids today are cray, back in my day we didn’t need drugs, we would 'ust cut our own dicks off. 111. >here6s a new d version of the &reat &atsby coming out. %n d, it was almost like the sober e"amination of the unrestrained materialism and absent moral center of the roaring twenties almost 'um!ed right out at you. 112. % think my doctor might be retarded. Why? (is name is ;octor Retardo. 11. #2 year old Richard Swanson set out to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle to 7rail, but got hit by a car in Aregon and died. Well at least he got to die doing what he loved. ;ribbling a soccer ball in traffic. 11#. Ane of the most !o!ular documentaries on etfli" is 5iro ;reams of Sushi. Ane of the least !o!ular is 85iro ightmares of :ss Ra!e9 11$. 8@ain and &ain9 the new movie directed by *ichael 7ay. Reviewers are calling it everything from 8shit9 to 8fucking shit9
11). (ey listen have you noticed my enormous weight gain? %’ve gained #$ !ounds. %’m telling you, my landlord managed to get rid of 2 !ounds of ugly fat = he evicted me< 11. Sure we all know about orm’s astonishing weight gain = but i think it6s become a bit wearisome. So let6s agree to sto! having fun at hi s expanse. 11. +our of the to! $ !icks in the +- draft were offensive tackles which is a great thing to tell your wife as the love drains from her eyes. 110. ;anny ;evito looks like one of those guys with a short but thick !enis. 12. Eou know dogs and humans love to run because a!!arently it gives them a natural high, similar to mari'uana, according to the university of :riona. :fter running, what are called cannabinoids, the chemical found in mari'uana that gives you the feeling of eu!horia, are higher in humans and dogs, and this encourages them to run againN. TO 7/11 for a slurpee! 121. : man in >aiwan re!ortedly cut off his own !enis to win an argument with his own wife. >hat reminds me of that e!isode of 84verybody -oves Raymond9 where Raymond forgot ;ebra’s birthday and had to cut his own cock off. 122. 7efore % begin % have a Buick !ublic service announcement. Would somebody, anybody, !lease fuck *artha Stewart. 12. % can understand why 7arbara Walters is retiring. %t must be e"hausting occasionally a!!earing on the view. 12#. 4ngaging in hate s!eech is wrong and terrible and should never be allowed. 7ut you have to admit, engaging in a hate stutter would be kind of cute. 12$. @a!a 5ohn6s delivery man has been arrested for allegedly selling more than #k in cocaine hidden in !ia bo"es, to undercover !olice officers. >his raises an im!ortant Buestion3 Wheres all that !ia that was su!!osed to go in those bo"es? :nd can % have them to eat? 12). Sesame Street introduced its very first -atino character. :rmando. 7ut it6s not going great, a!!arently on the first day he got into a knife fight and stabbed the letter :. 12. >he +;: is investigating health risks !osed by Wrigley6s new caffeinated gum. Where the hell was the +;S when Eork @e!!ermint @atties were making !eo!le shiver and have involuntary orgasms? 12. >ime magaine named the to! 1 most influential !eo!le in the world. >he to! 1 included 5ustin >imberlake, 7eyonce, 5immy kimmel, % EADR +:/4 Deli *aurer @resident of the Swiss /onfederation< 120. owadays most teenagers don6t watch their favorite shows on actual >I sets. %nstead they 'ust blow each other. 1. (ow many !eo!le have to die before we finally do something about dro!!ing !ianos?
ANDY DICK 11. >he latest :rchie /omic shows gay character Cevin kissing his boyfriend ;evin. :nother barrier will be broken ne"t month when in a dream seBuence,5ughead will be shown fisting 7etty /rocker. 12. 7arbara Walters announced that she’s retiring from the view. Well actually she announced it five years ago, but nobody could hear her over those yammering bitches.
1. >hey say !im!in’ ain’t easy. 7ut what they won’t tell you is it6s much much more difficult being a !rostitute. 1#. %t’s hard to believe that the entire cast of Saved by the 7ell is now dead. 1$. &eorge /looney may be a da!!er fellow, but don’t forget, he whacks off 'ust like the rest of us. 1). %f there’s 2 things %’m 1O sure are true, it’s that 1. o means no. 2. Eou should never take no for an answer. 1. >here is a new service called Sidecar, where if you need a ride somewhere you will be !icked u! by a stranger and driven to your location. (owever in a few months the com!any !lans on going back to its original name. *urder. 1. :ccom!lished comedian Sinbad has announced he’s filing for bankru!tcy for the 2nd time. Sounds like things have gone from Sinbad , to Sin Worst. 10. : lot of !eo!le talk about masterbating to the S4:RS catalogue when you were younger. 7ut %’m :-A> older than that, back in my day you actually had to go to a Sears store and fucking whack off. 1#. Arganist Ray *anarek died this week at age #N >(4 /DRS4 A+ >(4 ;AARS. 1#1. *y :unt turned her house into a bed and breakfast. % guess she woke u! and said 8ot enough strangers are fucking here9 1#2. >here are over 1, missing !erson cases in :merica. % ho!e %’m not telling tales out of school, but % think the answer to where these missing !eo!le are, is very clear. 5oran van der Sloot 1#. ever trust a black guy wearing a ;irk owitki 'ersey. 1##. Whenever someone says 8% have a cou!le irons in the fire9 % think, 8is one of them a 'ob writing blacksmith meta!hors?9 1#$. %f the *iami (eat win the 7: cham!ionshi! this year, %’m going to eat my hat. %t’s not that % care or think that they’re going to win, it’s 'ust that % want to eat my hat. 1#). >his year6s most !o!ular i!hone game is 8/lash of the /lans9 >he least !o!ular game, 8/ut my cock off9
GILBERT GOTTFRIED 1#. >oday is the 11th birthday of @resident Abama6s youngest daughter Sasha. Ar as % like to call her, 8the u!!ity one9 1#. Well we’re now into those hay cray lay days of summer. 4s!ecially those of us who are over medicated schio!hrenics who live near smoky industrial !arks. 1#0. % think there6s some trouble over at craigslist. % went over there and saw an add, 8Someone to kill /raig6s wife9 1$. Eou know that sweet old song 8>ea for >wo9 8obody near us to see us or hear us9, % think those !eo!le wanted to get down to some serious fucking. 1$1. % think the reason % most look forward to /hina ruling the earth is that all of their last names sound like slang for cock. 1$2. :stronomers have discovered new !lanets that have an atmos!here conducive to human life. :nd they6ve discovered one that has an 8atmo9 conducive to hi!ster life.
1$. *ichael ;ouglas !ortrayed the flamboyant entertainer in the new (7A film 87ehind the /andelabra9 %’d like to say something to *ichael ;ouglas. % sang with liberace, % knew -iberace, -iberace was a friend of mine. *ichael ;ouglas was no liberace. 1$#. Why is it so difficult to find !ornogra!hy about !eo!le in stable monogamous relationshi!s? 1$$. /hina’s government has re!orted that they have lost over 2, rivers in the !ast decade. *y theory is they sold it into the sordid world of underground river se" trafficking. 1$). : man in +rance tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask, the co!s !ut him in 'ail right after a Buick debriefing. 1$. Eou know, %’m old enough to remember back to sim!ler more innocent times. When the worst thing you’d hear about the news, was hi'acked 'et airliners flying into buildings. 1$. >he world’s second oldest man died this week at 11. &ood news for the 2nd oldest man in the word who got bad news this week, he’s dying. 1$0. *ichael ;ouglas claims that oral se" can lead to throat cancer. Which might shed some light on why :dam 4get !refers to lick mens assholes.
RAY ROMANO 1). Scientists now say that trout can communicate with each other with subtle !hysical gestures. 5ust when you thought trout couldn’t get any more fascinating. 1)1. *ondays aren6t actually worse than any other day according to a grou! of researchers who’ve never read a &arfield comic. 1)2. :rchaeologists e"cavating a trash !it at the 5amestown /olony site in Iirginia have found direct evidence of human cannibalism. it6s believed to be the first historical evidence of someone eating a bag of dicks. 1). 2 women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in @a!ua ew &uinea. : team of !olice was rushed to the scene but were forced to stand by and watch the victims being deca!itated by a"es as locals refused to let them come to their aid. orm, if you ever go to a remote village in @a!ua ew &uinea, by all costs avoid using sorcery. 1)#. : -as Iegas woman was arrested after hiding a stolen role" in her vagina. Wow, now 7ruce 5enner6s 'ust gone too far. 1)$. 7ill /linton says he wouldn’t be sur!rised if some day we are visited by aliens from outer s!ace. -eading democratic !residential ho!eful (illary clinton said 8Shouldn6t you be getting a blow'ob somewhere?9 1)). -as Iegas is now home to a $$ ft tall ferris wheel. :lso drawing thousands to las vegas, W(AR4S. 1). >he street drug 8S!ecial C9 has been found to be an e"cellent treatment for de!ression. >his according to the ew 4ngland 5ournal of &ary 7usey.
Da!"d S#ade 1). :fter being drafted into the th round by the Ram’s, *ichael Sam kissed his boyfriend. >he celebration didn’t end there because on 4S@2 there was full insertion. 1)0. orm3 8%t6s time for this week6s This Week earned. :dam?9 :dam3 8>his week % learned that cum tastes like nickels9
1. : study has found that the average high school !rom girl now s!ends 1 dollars, or 2 if you count the abortion. 11. : Westchester !arking enforcement officer stole 0, in Buarters. (ow much laundry does this guy need to do? 12. Sadly, the man behind the voice of >ony the >iger died at )#. (is last words? 8% don’t feel &reaaaat9 1. >wo strangers were arrested for having se" on a !lane. (ow about that? Eou know who % feel sorry for? >he guy in the middle seat. 1#. eil @atrick (arris !osed nude for the cover of Rolling Stone e"ce!t for a hat hanging off his weiner. :nd this morning :dam 4gat woke u! and said 8(ey where6s my hat?9 1$. We are living in a golden age of :dam masterbating to interracial granny !orn. 1). ;r. ;re announced that he’s the first hi! ho! billionaire, a regular 5 @aul &etto. 1. :ll the charities that ;onald Sterling donated millions of dollars to are giving it back to him. Well that will show him. 1. >o sto! a !itbull attacking her daughter a te"as man bit the dog. >hats an interesting story, but it’s not what i would call news. 10. >he search continues for the missing *alaysian airliner. %n related news a !lane was s!otted by some cavemen in the year )$ bc. 1. : man in /hi!ata allowed a hyena to eat his !enis after being told by a witch doctor it would hel! him become rich. %s it me or does it sound like that hyena and witch doctor were in cahoots?
ADAM SANDLER 11. *%chigan man /urtis @eterson received a 1$ year !rison sentence for having se" with his !et !it bull. What6s that lassie? Woof woof? &randma got stuck in a well? Woof woof? Ah you got ra!ed? 12. : new study found that men with beards are more attractive. more great work from the university of 7ob Seger. 1. &rowing u! % never would have believed that one day %6d need a com!uter 'ust to masterbate. 1#. /all me a little old softie, but %’d !refer if you’d call me a distinguished gentlemen with a flagging erection. 1$. >im >ebow6s time in new york wasn6t a total loss, he had a monument built to him in central !ark. : 74/(< 1). %n my o!inion if you’re going to fight the war on terror, a good !lace to start would be this nation6s haunted houses. 1. /atherine Meta 5ones has been diagnosed with bi!olar disorder, half the time she6s MetaN 1. %f you were a Russian !rostitute on a date with serial killer :ndrei /hikatilo, aka the Rostov Ri!!er, and he couldn6t achieve an erection, this was not your lucky day. 10. Self described /anadian !orn star -uka Rocco *agnotta, heading to court soon for the grily murder of his /hinese boyfriend. *agnotta allegedly killed -in Eing on video ta!e. (e started by cutting the man6s !enis off, leading to his lover
bleeding out live on video ta!e. *agnotta then went to his kitchen and !laced his boyfriend6s !enis into a skillet frying it until it was golden brown. While taking his last breath, Eun witnessed his su!!osed soul mate feast on his genitals. :fter he had !erished magnotta began dismembering him, sending !ackages of his = % mean this guy was a real 'erk. 10. Ane day in the ho!efully not too distant future orth Corean dictator Cim 5ong Dn is going to hear a loud !o!!ing sound. >he sound of his head coming out of his ass. 101. >here6s no wrong way to eat a Reese6s, says the guy who didn6t shove a bunch of Reese6s u! his ass. 102. >he Actomom has re!ortedly been evicted from her /alifornia home. >he mother of 1 children !acked u! and left her !ro!erty in @almdale after being asked to leave for not !aying her rent for the month of :!ril. >he single !arent whose real name is adya Suleman e"ited leaving a huge mess and the stench of urine inside the !ad. Wait it says here the urine has been traced back to :dam 4get. 10. *y brother in law is so stu!id, the first thing on his bucket list was suicide. 10#. % think there6s nothing cooler than being a lone wolf. 4"ce!t at wolf !icnics when you don6t have a !artner for the wolf wheelbarrow races. 10$. @orn actor Ron 5eremy is back at work after having o!en heart surgery. >he name of his ne"t feature is called 8%’m going to have to sit down for most of this9 10). >homas 4dison invented the lightbulb, but i invented the lightbulb u! my ass
CARL REINER 10. : tractor trailer fli!!ed over, releasing millions of bees, which strung the driver millions of times. S!eaking from the hos!ital, the driver said 8o flowers?9 10. % realied in thera!y that %’m not afraid of dying. %’m afraid of living. Ah no< %’m afraid of dying. 100. @olice in >ennessee arrested a teenage girl when they found a loaded gun in her vagina. When Buestioned, the boyfriend said 8% guess that e"!lains why my cock ke!t getting blown off9 2. 2 months later we still haven’t found *alaysian :irlines flight . >his looks like the work of 5oran Iandersloot. 21. : 2 year old med student is auctioning off her virginity. +or three hundred thousand dollars you can have the worst se" of your life. 22. : man in /hi!ata allowed a hyena to eat his !enis after being told by a witch doctor it would hel! him become rich. %s it me or does it sound like that hyena and witch doctor were in cahoots. 2. &eorge /looney is engaged. >he rich and handsome $ year old told re!orters 8%t6s time for me to settle down and officially start cheating on a heartsick and disillusioned s!ouse.9 2#. >he kidna!!ing victims in igeria are being forced to marry these ca!tors. %’m glad to hear these kidna!!ers are old fashioned. 2$. Some of the 2 igerian schoolgirls kidna!!ed by e"tremists in nigeria have been forced to marry their kidna!!ers. Worse than that, they’ve been forced to laugh at their husbands stories even after hearing them for the um!teenth time.
2). %f % had a gun to my head and had to !ick a vice !residential candidate to have se" with, % would choose Sarah @alin, and S!iro :gnew.
FRED ILLARD 2. *alaysian +light is still missing. Eou know where they’re going to find it? >he last !lace they look< 2. >he !ilot6s last words 8%6ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking !lane<9 20. Eo *ama6s so fat she develo!ed ty!e two diabetes :; congestive heart failure< S:@< 21. Eou don’t hear anymore about 7ob /ostas infected eye. Who is stonewalling this investigation??<< 211. %f thinking that women are not funny, emotionally irrational, and less intelligent than men makes me se"ists, then E4S % :* se"ist<< 212. (ere6s what %’ve learned, you beat u! and toss one 10 year old (is!anic hooker out a window, and they never let you forget it< 21. A!inions are like assholes, eil @atrick (arris wants to stuff his cock in them. Ah wait< >hat6s 'ust assholes. 21#. :!ril 1$th is around the corner, and :dam 4get, asked his accountant for his e"tension. Ah sorry< >hats his !enis surgeon<
TODD GLASS 21$. %t was announced this week that the :rchie /omic 7ooks will kill off the character :rchie in 5uly. >his is disa!!ointing because if there6s one archie character that should die, it6s that cock sucker 5ughead. 21). :l Shar!ton said that the +7% hired him to s!y on the mob in the 10s. 7ecause if there6s one thing the mob trusts it’s loud black guys. 21. When % die % want my body donated to science. 7ut more s!ecifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life. 21. >he search continues in the %ndian ocean for the *alaysian :irlines flight as they listen and try to follow the @ings. >hese guys sound like me always listening for !ings. >he @ings are my /hinese neighbors. 5im and 4llen @ing.
BOB SAGET 210. >wo businessmen bought the *ilwaukee 7ucks for $$ million dollars. >hey are very e"cited with their !urchase, as this is the only legal way to own 7lack @eo!le. 22. 5enny *c/arthy recently got engaged to former new kid on the block ;onnie Walhberg. >hey !lan to marry on retard island. 221. (ow come none of my friends ever have a dungeon? %nstead they 'ust have ra!e dungeons. 222. % found the secret to life is there is no !roblem big enough, that a huge black cock can not fi". 22. *ichelle Abama has booked a cameo on the :7/ show ashville. With this and her a!!earance on %carly % think *%chelle is ready to start a!!earing in films. *ay % suggest my favorite film series, 87lack :ss +uckers9 22#. /hicago is now P1 in murder :; sausages. >hat sounds like my kind of town<
Da!"d Koe$h%er 22$. >he World /u! has arrived. So if you’re wondering why your local bar smells, it’s because of all the dirty foreigners. 22). >his week % learned 'ust because % masterbated to that !icture of a guy falling to his death on 0Q11 doesn’t mean % have to share it. 22. : recent re!ort stated that there are over )$ active serial killers in the Dnited States. What they don’t know, is there’s actually )). 22. 7rides magaine released a list of 11 ways to be a terrible bride. >hey include 8;on’t interfere with the wedding !lanner9, 8;on’t lie about how much the wedding cost your family9, and coming in at number one, 8;on’t fuck your husband’s best friends.9
Ro&ea%%e Barr 220. (arry >hom!son 01 finished running the Rocky (ill San ;iego in 'ust over hours, becoming the oldest !erson to com!lete a marathon, and setting a world record for the fastest time in his age grou!. >he !revious record was set by *ildred Cennelworth who died during mile 1. 2. Cim and Canye celebrated their daughter orth West’s one year birthday by throwing a big !arty with 'ugglers, a bouncy house and a ferris wheel. >he bad news is orth West is a baby and doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. 21. : study has found that men are 'ust as likely as women to s!read gossi!. :t least that’s what % heard Rick tell 7rad, who by the way has a crush on @atty. 22. (ey *adonna says she’s !lanning to remake the movie casablanca. +inally< "omeone is going to get it right< 2. (ere’s a really easy way to figure out if you’re taking too many meds. Eou refer to your medication as meds. 2#. >he only thing certain in life are death, ta"es, and getting caught whacking off in a >arget dressing room. 2$. (ey you’re not going to believe this, but 7ill *aher is giving away the solution to all our !roblems... for free< 2). Cnow who’s even craier than cat ladies? Snake ladies< 2. Workers at a (arvard Dniversity library have discovered a book that’s bound with human skin. >hey were able to determine that !art of the body that the skin came from, after it was grabbed by a se"y -ibrarian, and immediately e"!anded to times its sie. 2. When &wyneth @altrow says that being a movie star is harder than working a 0=$ 'ob, she knows, because she s!ent years clearing heavy debris from demolition sites= oh wait = this 'ust in = &wyneth @altrow hasn’t done shit. 20. %’m the Ray :llen of my local :!!lebees because %’m always nailing ’s. 2#. :le" >rebek set a &uiness world record for most game shows hosted. >he !revious record was Who gives a fuck? 2#1. children were in'ured when a cannon e"!loded during a /ivil War reenactment. >o kee! things authentic, the children had their limbs sawed off with rusty hacksaws. 2#2. @resident Abama in a s!eech this !ast week said that we should solve the nation’s bee !roblem. Ah &od we elected a guy who sym!athies with 744S?
2#. @residential +act3 7arack Abama is the first !resident to ever say the 8n9 word as a term of endearment
MARC MARON 2##. : 0 year old Washington man fought off a robber with a golf club, though to be fair, the only reason the guy was swinging a golf club was because he mistook the robber for the grim s!ectre of death. 2#$. : @akistani father stoned his daughter to death for marrying a man of her own choosing. Which means @akistan’s tourism board is going to have to come u! with a new slogan to re!lace 8/ome to @akistan, whole days without anyone being brutally stoned to death by their own +ather9 2#). %t’s kind of a weird feeling watching the +lintstones lately, with their stone age drive in movies, and their caveman bowling, it 'ust seems so dated . 2#. : cowboy at a Rodeo in &eorgia used his lasso to a!!rehend his gunman. :t least that’s according to a recent segment of :merica’s hottest new game show. &eorgia !olice blotter, or e!isode syno!sis from Walker >e"as Ranger. 2#. :n Arlando !olice officer’s !ress conference on curbing gun violence was interru!ted by gun shots. Witnesses say the shots were incredibly loud, though not as loud as the deafening irony. 2#0. :ll *y /hildren Star *atthew /all has died at the age of )0. Ar has he? 2$. Research shows the obesity e!idemic is !rimarily affecting lower income :mericans. o lower income :mericans could be reached because they are busy waddling around Si" +lags, gnawing on a giant turkey leg, and waiting in line to buy an airbrushed Eosemite Sam tank to!. 2$1. *iss evada is the new miss DS:. % now must a!ologie to *iss ;elaware. % actually have nothing to do with the final decision. 7ut % will treasure our evening together forever. 2$2. ;id you hear what 5ohn Cerry said, 8>he latest terrorist threats against :merica are baloney.9 >hen he went on to shout 8Why don’t you !ussys !ut your money where your mouth is<9 2$. Secretary of State Cerry calls the latest terror threats 87aloney9 An his lunch meat danger scale that’s more dangerous than salami, but not as dangerous as turkey loaf. 2$#. >he world’s oldest man, a 111 year old !ara!sychologist has !assed away. (e now knows for sure that all that stuff that he believed in was bullshit. 2$$. >he world’s oldest man, :le"ander %moch, !assed away at 111. :nd the world’s youngest man, ;eclan *c:listair was 'ust born. Ah wait< /orrection = the world’s youngest man Ian Woo /hung was 'ust born= W:%> no, it’s &aston -a/lear, A< 5avier 7rutierie A< %t’s >ackia :mashattee. A< %t’sN. o wonder they don’t kee! track of the world’s youngest man 2$). : list of the world’s to! 2$ amusement !arks was released this week with ;isney’s *agic Cingdom coming in at P1. ot making the list, Cyle’s ra!e dungeon.
MARTIN MULL 2$. >his week i learned you can !ay your dentist with blow'obs 2$. % do a terrible 5ohn >ravolta im!ression but % find the im!ression gets a lot better when my male masseuse is 'erking me off.
2$0. Eou know they had a big black mass devil worshi! this week a!!arently. 7ut % ski!!ed it because % believe you can be 'ust as close to Satan on a golf course as in some stuffy old Satanic /hurch. 2). Some 7iblical scholars now believe that 5esus /hrist was married. >hey also believe he had the world’s WARS> bachelor !arty. 2)1. : /hinese man s!ent 1 years develo!ing a suitcase that doubles as a motoried scooter. >here’s no word on whether he had any !articular ho!es or dreams. 2)2. *ovie fans are now celebrating the th anniversary of &hostbusters and are demanding a &hostbusters . :t least according to a homeless dude on my block, who looks sus!iciously like 4rnie (udson. 2). Arange is the new 7lack but A> in my a!artment building< Cevin is the new black. 2)#. %n :labama a Eouth *inistry &rou! is under fire for !utting u! a billboard that Buotes :dolf (itler. >o be fair they did !ick his most ins!irational Buote.
'ACK CARTER 2)$. *an who died. /ause of death, everybody yelled sur!rise. 2)). % s!ent the last 2 weeks at ;isneyland. %t was so much fun. >he ne"t time %’m taking my wife and kids. 2). %n World /u! Soccer, *e"ico defeated /aboron 1 to nothing. Ar as it’s known in soccer, a blowout? 2). 5onah (ill says his heart is broken over the fact he was caught on camera calling a !hotogra!her a &ay slur. :nd s!eaking of things that are broken, 5onah (ill’s chair.
