Mallu Jokes What do you call? A smart Malayalee? - Debo-nair A dynamic Malayalee? - Pheno-Menon A Malayalee drunkard? - Kutty Sark A very rich Malayalee? - MillionIyer Hows, Whys, Whats...... * Why was the Marxist leader dumbstruck on arrival at US airport? (Contributed by Naveen) Boy, who said Communism is not prevalentt in this part of the world, there is Arri-val everywhere. * What processor does a Mallu have in his PC? (contributed by MH Bhargava) A Pendium * What does a Mallu do to run for elections in Hongkong? (contributed by Ganesh S) Change his name from Thankachan to Than Ka Chan. S)
* What does a Mallu do to run for elections in England? (contributed by Ganesh Change his name from Vaideswaran to Vaiddes Waran.
* What will a mallu reply when asked "Are there any mosquitoes in your house? (Contributed by MH Bhargava) Plendy * Why did the Malayalee crossed the road? Simbly. * How does a malayalee spell the word 'MOON' ? Yem wo yettanudherwo yen-uh! * Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral? Four to carry the coffin, one to carry tthe two-in-one. * How does a Malayalee travel in Chembur? BY ODO * Where did the malayalee study? In the kollage. What did the Malayalee do when the plane caught fire? - He JEMBED out of the VINDOW... Why did he go to Rome? - To hear POPE music.. Why did the Malayalee cross the road? - To join the union on the other side. What does a Malayalee do when he has to stand for election in Delhi? - He changes his name. Madhavan to M A DHAAWAN. What does a Malayalee do to stand for elections in New York? - He changes his name. Karunakaran to KEVIIN CURREN What would you call a Mallu martial arts expert?
- A MalayaLEE Why does a Malayalee go to a temple? - Zimply to Bray. How does a baby mallu cry? - "visa visa visa visa . . ." Why did the Malayalee buy an air ticket? - To go to DUBAIH ..simbly to meet his UNGGLE and AUNDY in GELF. who was Bruce Lee's best friend in Malayasia? - Malaya LEE How does a malayalee spell Malayalam? - YAMM - YAY - YELL - YAY - WHY - YAY - YEELL -YUMM. What did the Mallu scientist do on reaching the moon? - He tested the soil if it was fit to plannt tapioca. Why do Mallus wear Mundu? - Because in the Monsoon flood the mundu ccan be tucked upwards as the water rises. Q: What happens when a bakery in Kerala is named after a gerrl called Anu? - Its named 'Anus Bakery'. Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala? - Because 86% of the shift time is spent oon lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi. What is the tax on Mallu's income called? - IngumDax What is Malayali management graduate called? - A Yem Bee Yae. The classic one - How many bulbs? How many Malayalees do you need to change a lightbulb? Infinite number.. One to change the bulb, 20 to form the light bulb workers' union (Marxist), 30 to form the counter union (CPI), 1 to be the Light bulb minister, 1 to head the Light bulb corporation, 45 to be nominated to the light bulb corporation, 60 to go to US,Germany, Switzerland and Hawaii to do import product survey on light bulb, 3 to form the Judicial Enquiry commission on light bulb scandal.... so on.... (BTW, Kerala Marxists anyway believe that you don't have to change light bulbs.. A light bulb has seeds of its own revolution....) You know you are a Malayalee when.. 1.You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine or in your dinner. 2.You don't cook rice in a rice cooker. You do it the old-fashioned way : water, a big pot, and fire. 3.You buy corn oil by the gallon. 4.Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head. 5.Uncle Ben's takes over the household. 6.Lipton Tea is bought by the bulk, (especially when there is a sale for it.) 7.You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't. 8.The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture. 9.Your brothers and sisters names rhymes or have the some letter to start with as yours. 10.MacDonald's is prounounced MAC-DOUGH-NALLS. 11.Your father and mother endlessly tell you stories of how when they first came into this country, they had to eat the cheapest parts of the chicken (eg. the back, necks, etc.) 12.During evening prayer, your Grandmother let's out a wailing belch. (If you could hear it, you know what I am talking about.) 13.You go to FOKANA / youth / spiritual conferences to pick-up chicks /
dudes. 14.You have to explain to everyone, "That funny name is my father's house name." 15.Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. 16.Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come." 17.You are teased about having two first names or else that your first name should be your last and vice versa. 18.Your mom is a nurse or she works somewhere in a hospital. 19.Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from India with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green. 20.You either really, really want to go to NYU or really, really want to stay away from it. 21."You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!" 22.You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle." 23.You have 12+ aunts and uncles from both your mother's and your father's side. 24. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert. 25.Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good." 26.You will most likely be taller than your parents. 27.Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both. 28.Your mother constantly professes, "I am not gossiping on the phone. It is important conversation..." 29.Your American friends names suddenly turn into Malayalam names. (eg. Manay, Dhaveed (David) is on the phone for you.) 30.When your friends find out about the name your parents call you at home, you never hear the end of it from them. 31.On long road trips, Mohamad Rafi or devotional songs make the time fly by. 32.Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. 33.You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. 34.Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. 35.You've had to sit through videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library. 36.You have to hide the fact that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. 37.Everybody assumes you are Hindu or Muslim, because you are Indian but you stand up strong and say, "I am Christian." 38.Everybody assumes you are Christian, because you are Malayalee, but you stand up strong and say, "I am Hindu" or "I am Muslim". 39.You page yourself before you go out, so you look important. 40. At all the Indian parties, you and the Punjabis are the life of it.. 41.You have heard of Malayalee Hit Squad, and you pretend you know someone in it everytime someone mentions it. 42.You say that you are in Malayalee Hit Squad to impress girls. 43.You act like you can dance Bhanghra styles. 44.Your North Indian friends mention a Hindi movie, you say that the Tamil or Malayalam version was the original one and that it was better. 46.Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors. 47.Your father and grandfathers have hair on their ears. 48.Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian
languages. 49.Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher. 50.You are in an Engineering/Computer Science/Pre-Med/Med/Law program at your respective college. 51.If somebody asks you if you know a Malayalee person, your parents say, "His/Her father/mother was in my college." or else "Yes, We are from the same village." 52.You leave for college hating sambar, chicken curry, morra, and chor, but you come back home yearning for it. 53.You get angry about being compared to your other Mallu friends. 54."Patti", "Thendi" and "Potten" are commonly used expressions of insult. 55.You create a name for IRC or AOL chat rooms it's always some name like "Thenga", "Pichati", "Ethikya" or things to that degree. 56.You leave it to your parents to find your spouse. 57.You pretend that you are not a Mallu at all. 58.Your Dad teaches you all the bad words in Malayalam, and your mom gets mad at him for that. 59.People ask you why your dad wears only a towel to pick up the newspaper or the mail. 60.You have a jungle growing in the backyard every summer, with pavikya, padavalingya, etc. growing and all your friends ask you why it stinks in the back yard. 61.(For females) You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable. 62.(For females) Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 11pm. 63.You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go. 64.Tongue scrapers are not a new fad to you. 65.To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid. 66.When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed, you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of each other. 67.Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In India (or other native country), we studied even more." 68.Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street unless they're close by. 69.Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!" 70.You like $1.75 movies. 71.You like $1.50 movies even more. 72.Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names. 73.People you call "uncle" always smell up the bathroom at parties. 74.If you aren't married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it's too late. 75.You have never met half of your extended family. 76.Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds. 77.A horoscope must decide your wedding date. 78.Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day. 79.Your parents had eight daughters in hopes of having a son. 80.You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot." 81.Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried. 82.You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried. 83.You sound like "Apu" on the Simpsons. 84.You own a 7/11 or a motel with a name like "Roadside Inn." 85.One or both of your parents skipped at least one year of elementary school. 86.In the smallest of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel
without a phone book. WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals. 87.You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to anyone YOU know. 88.Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting. 89.You have trouble paying attention to "minor" items like your kids' social lives, but you know the exact number of the check that you're on in your checkbook. Appukuttan's fundamendals! Contributed by Arvind Krishnan Despite the fact that Appukuttan was an Yem.Bee.Yae (MBA) from the University of Yale, Smith found it difficult to comprehend his intentions. Especially when he derided the government saying 'Gonments should be serious about imblemending the promises and providing the fundamendal needs of the people'! Then there was Chandrasekharan Nair, the accountant, who spoke in such loud tones that it made Mr. Smith and even Appukuttan 'Jemb out of their Skin'! He made sure that everyone in the office paid their 'ingum dax'. His problem was that he perpetually wanted to leave 'yearly' for home as he had to go to the 'temble' with his family. His preferred mode of conveyance was ofcourse, 'O-to'. Mr. Smith also could not take kindly to some of his colleagues like Cheriyakalathil Saji Titus who came up with such gems: "I have two daughters... both are both girls"! He's the same guy who insisted that in 2002, he was losing out on one holiday as Good Friday was falling on a Second Saturday!!! Then there was Ibrahim Kutty who sought a month's leave from work because he 'zimbly wanted to go to the 'Gelf' in order to meet his 'Ungle and Aund'. Kutty, who was the supervisor also insisted in a prominently displayed notice that "After the Tea 'Brake' all staff should empty the teapot and stand it upside down on the draining board." However, what got Smith's goat is the notice put up by Appukuttan himself, though it was his 'pyoon' who did it. A freshly painted board outside his new office complex building proclaimed that "The Building is Closed Till Further Opening." A smaller notice on the escalator claimed that "The Lift is Out of Order. We regret that you will be unbearable for a few days." Smith, however, shared several common interests with the suave Appukuttan who liked 'Pope' Music and was an ardent critic of declining standards in 'Kollage' education. He had this amazing ability to poke fun at his own tribe and had a great collection of mallu jokes, which he tried on Smith. The last straw came from Appukuttan himself. One day, he ran in and sought to know from Mr. Smith how the renowned musician L. Vaidyanathan was different from Gandhiji? Seeing the blank statement on his colleague's face, Appu burst out gleefully: "Zimble! One is a violinist and the other a non-violinist." And Smith fainted! Is Bruce Lee a Malaya Lee? Contributed by my friend Maya Lakshman What is Bruce Lee's favorite weapon? ----- Kodaa Lee According to Bruce Lee, which is the Venomous snake? ----- Ana Lee Place where Bruce Lee stays when he is in Kerala ----- Adima Lee Bruce Lee's Favorite Malayalam Channel ----- Kaira Lee Bruce Lee favorite vegitable? ----- Thakkaa Lee What sound does Bruce Lee make when some one hits him?
----- Nilavi Lee What is Bruce Lee's pet ------ Chunde Lee What kind of water does Bruce Lee prefer with his lunch? ------ Karingaa Lee What is Bruce Lee's Girl Friend's name? ------ Anaarka Lee What is Bruce Lee's nick name? ------ Neeraa Lee While in kerala he likes to be known ------ Malaya Lee English - Malayalam translation Once a principal caught a student outside the class Pincipal:WHY Are u Rotating here,GO and Climb the class. What he intended to say: Enthanu ivide thirinju kalikunathu Poyi classil kayaru. Mallu and a Tamilian - direction joke Once a crowd witnessed a guy slapping a mallu guy on Madurai-Palani road. The guy who beat the mallu explained the crowd why he beat him as: "When I asked directions to go to Palani, he is asking me to go to Tiruchi and Eerode(Coimbatore". The Mallu's direction instruction was- "Eerodu poyee thiruchi vanna Palani" (Take this road and turn u will reach Palani) Mallu and Kallu (toddy) To meet an Englishman you should go to his castle, to meet a Mallu you should go to his (regular)kaLLu shaap(toddy bar)! What can be done to put a Mallu to dilemma ? Offer him fish curry and kaLLu (toddy) and ask him to choose only one of them. What are 3 main objectives of a Mallu? 1. kozhi(chicken) 2. pannam(money) 3. kallu(liquor) Sad but true Where is the only place in the world where a Malayalee doesn't work hard? - Keralam (Kerala) Mallus are first Contributed by Harshavardhan Bhide Mallus have been and are among India's most widely spread community. If anyone needs proof then all they need do is look into NASA archives. As Neil Armstrong was about to say "One small step...", a Kaka came out of his shaap, and called his boy.. "Yada.. randu chaaya.". So much so for Armstrong being the first man on the moon. Mallus were there first! Birth Contributed by Ajay Pillai Q. What do you call the birth of a mallu? A. Mal(l)-formation Pazham Chollu a.k.a Banana Talk Contributed by Prem Kumar Whitening applied becomes white scars. (Velukkan thechathu pandayi) When talking, hear. When given, eat. (Paraymbol kelkkanam.tharumbol thinnanam) Give elephant, but not hope. (Aana koduthalum aasha kodukaruthu)
If Crow bath, become crane ?? (Kaaka kulichal kokku aagumo??) If needed jackfruit on root grow. (Venamengil chakka verilum kaayikkum) Snake on fence on shoulder no put. (Veliyil kidanna paambine eduthu tholil idaruthu) Onam come or Baby born, porridge for KORAN still in leaf. (Onam vannaalum Unni pirannaalum, Koranu Kanji Kumbilil thanne) Own baby, for crow, golden baby. (Kaakkakku Than Kunju Ponkunju) Market fail Mother's back. (Angaadiyil thottathinu Ammayude purathu) Silent Cat Breaks Pot. (Mindaa Poocha Kalam Udakkum) Sand leaning man took girl. (Mannum Chaari Ninnavan Pennum Kondupoyi) Centipede if put on mattress goes to garbage. (Attaye pidichu Methayil Kidathiyaalum Athu pokum Kuppa kuzhiyil) Miser hold umbrella at midnight. (Alpan Ardha Raathriyilum koda Pidikkum) Foot wrong elephant will also fall. (Adi thettiyaal aaneyum veezhum) Friend of Eeenaampechi is TreeDog. (Eeenaampechi-kku kootu marapatti) In desert one Tree green. (Marubhumiyil oru marupacha) Sitting to moan, dog's head, coconut fell. (Moangan irunna naayudey thalayil thenga veenu) Different drop big water. (Palathulli peruvellam) Life licked by stray dog. (Jeevitham nayanakki) Crane, how many ponds see?? (Kokkethra kulam kandirikkunnu) Don't want, don't want thinking, climbing on the head & jumping. (Venda,venda ennu vicharikkumbo thalayil keri chaadunnu) Stick gave, beating got. (Vadi koduthu adi vaangi Open the window, let the airforce come in. (Janala thurakkoo, kaatu shakthi aayi varrattae) No Grass will walk here. (Evidae Oru pullum nadakkilla) Dont spit, understanding people will suffer. (thupparuthu , thaazhae nikkunnavar anubhavikkum) Both are Hand and Arithmetic. (Randum kayyum kanakkum thannae) What is Contributed by Radhakrishnan the malayalam version of "Maine Pyar Kiya " called? A. "Menon Pyar Kiya" Mallu and a cowboy Contributed by Polite Paul Once a cowboy and a mallu pick up a quarrel. The cowboy points a gun at the mallu and says "Yo man.yore ded meat...kiss yore ass bye". Mallu replys - "What rubbish you are toking(talking)....if you vant to fiyt(fight) vith me you zimbly come to my gariage(garage) no...i will hit on your head with a hyammer...and also i think you dond hyave the bolls to pull the trigger..." That was it, the cowboy had enough. He pulled the trigger but to his
own head.... Mallu and space exploration Contributed by Ajay Mallus have been and are among India's most widely spread community. If anyone needs proof then all they need do is look into NASA archives. As Neil Armstrong was about to say "One small step...", a Kaka came out of his shaap, and called his boy.. "Yada.. randu chaaya.". So much so for Armstrong being the first man on the moon. Mallus were there first! Recently a indian went to moon and he expected to find that mallu tea shap, but he found a sardar instead, when enquired, he was told that the mallu chai walla has moved now to MARS (Chova)
