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“Jungle Cruise” Jokes (Magic Kingdom) – ( credit credit) )
In the Queue Area Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control... the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening... Than you. Those of you adventurers entering the !orld"famous Jungle Cruise# please notice there are t!o lines# one on the right and the other on the left. If you$d lie to eep your family together# please stay in the same line. %o!ever# if there is someone in your family you$d lie to get rid of# &ust put them in the opposite line and you$ll never see them again. Ladies and gentlemen# your attention# please. Would the party that lost the roll of '( $20.00/$100.00 bills# $20.00/$100.00 bills# !rapped in a red rubber band# please report to the turnstile... !e have good ne!s for you. We have found your rubber band. Those of you !ho have &ust entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that# being at the end of the line# you have a long !ait. Well# !e aim to please here at the !orld"famous Jungle Cruise. )o# on the count of three# I !ant everyone to turn around. *ne... T!o... Three. There "" those at the bac of the line are no! at the front. Doesn$t that mae you feel better? Ladies and gentlemen# !elcome to the World +amous Jungle Cruise. Those of you !ho are !aiting in line are probably resigned to the fact that there is a long !ait. Well# !e here at the Jungle Cruise aim to please. )o# if you$d lie to see the line move faster# please raise your hand. *nce again# please raise your hand if you$d lie to see the line move faster. ,cro!d raises hands- *ay# those of you !ho have your hands raised# please tae one step to the right and let the people behind you through. o! you$ll definitely see the line move faster. There are /0 varieties of poisonous snaes on the orth 1merican continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that !e have /2 of these varieties in the !ooden rafters directly over your heads. +ear not# though# they !ill *T attac a moving target# so please try to eep the line moving. If the line !on$t move# simply run in place. Today only# ladies and gentlemen# !e !ill be allo!ing veterans to board the !orld"famous Jungle Cruise !ithout !aiting... veterans of the Civil War# that is# in full dress uniforms# accompanied by their parents and their horse. 3veryone else !ill have to !ait in line. )ome of our scouts here at the !orld"famous Jungle Cruise claim they$ve spotted tigers in the !aiting area the last couple of days. 4ut !e no! that$s ridiculous. 1fter all# tigers are striped# not spotted.
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We have some pretty smart animals bac in the &ungle. Tae moneys# for e5ample. 6ou as them to name one of their relatives# and they go ape. 1nd snaes# they$re pretty clever too. 1s them !hat the 78th letter of the alphabet is and they$ll say )")")")"). Tigers are no!n for their intelligence# but you can$t trust them. 6eah# you never no! !hen they might be a lyin$ ,lion-. 4ut I thin rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the &ungle. Just last !ee# I ased !hat four minus four is# and he said nothing. It$s a four hour !ait from there. %ave you been upstairs yet? 1dventurers and adventurettes# horseplay is not allo!ed !hile !aiting to board the !orld"famous Jungle Cruise. If you !ant to play !ith your horse# you$ll have to do it else!here. We do# ho!ever# allo! you to money around in line &ust as long as you don$t go bananas. Ladies and 9entleman# !elcome to the World +amous Jungle Cruise :lease do not tae pictures !hile you are in the ;ueue. *nce again please do not tae pictures !hile you are in the ;ueue< They are nailed to the !alls for a reason. Ladies and 9entleman# I$d lie to remind you that cutting in line !ill not be tolerated here at the World +amous Jungle Cruise. That$s right... there is to be no cutting in line. 1nyone caught !ith scissors !ill be e&ected from the ;ueue.
Other Jokes You Ma !ear in Queue ("ut not #ueue related) What do you get !hen you cross an elephant !ith a rhinoceros? 3ciphino. Well# that$s not really !hat you get# but you must understand# this is a family attraction. Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? +ranly# I don$t no!# but I !ish someone !ould find out "" he$s sun five of our boats in the last !ee alone. Why did the ape get a &ob? %e !as tired of moneying around. Why did the elephant ;uit his &ob? %e !as tired of !oring for peanuts. =noc# =noc... Who$s there?... Toucan... .Toucan Who?... Toucan not fit through the turnstiles at the same time. =noc# =noc... Who$s there?... )afari... .)afari Who?... )afari# so good. 6ou$ll be on the Jungle Cruise in &ust a fe! minutes.
$oarding the $oat That cushion in that bac of the boat is actually a !hoopee cushion. Don$t believe me# go ahead sit do!n. >People >People sit, Skipper makes farting
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sound over PA. %o! embarrassing and in front of people you don$t even no!. >To the boat loader )o ho! does that ne! vacuum of your !or? >oat loader @ It sucsA Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you$re entering from the bac# come up to the front. If you$re in the front# &ust follo! the simple instructions of your simple minded loader. >!emale skipper 9et on board fols... though I$m !orst nightmare. 1 !oman !ith a loaded gun. :lease listen to the boat loaders. They used to !or in a sardine factory until they got canned. They didn$t mind too much though< They !ored for scale. Come all the !ay to the front "" up by me. There$s no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in bac. )lide all the !ay for!ard no!... That$s the only !ay !e have of eeping the cushions cleanA Come on in# fols... )lide on do!nA That$s right slide on do!n# because the more you slide no!# the less I have to clean later. )ome of you might !ant to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar > pointing to the "enter "ush ion. We lie to balance out the boat so !hen !e sin# !e go do!n evenly. :lease move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all of the bro!n seat cushions. There have been e5tensive scientific studies that have proven that the color bro!n attracts deadly flying piranhas. >#sing "olor of boat for bron. :lease remember that the tighter you get# the better the heating system on the boat !ors. >As people load in the ba"k There$s no dancing in the bac there# fols... no dancing... you !ill have to be seated. Dancing is only allo!ed on the promenade dec. If you could &ust sit in the door!ay there "" it eeps the !ild animals out and the chicens and tureys in. I get paid for the number of people I tae out... not the number I bring bacA Don$t !orry if it$s cro!ded no!... there$ll be lots of room on the !ay bac. %o! many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? 9oodA )o am I.
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Let$s get one thing straight... if !e start to sin# the captain !ill be going do!n !ith the boat. I$d lie you to meet your ne! captain >looking at nearb% guest... What did you say your name !as? Those of you sitting in the bac are going to get a charge out of this trip. 6eah "" you$re sitting on the battery. )ome people find that revolting# but I thin that there is a positive and negative side to everything. )hocing# isn$t it. Come on to the front ids... 6ou no! I love ids... a little 44B sauce# mustard# and catsup al!ays helps though. LooA Little idsA I lo%e idsA 1 little mustard# a little barbecue sauce... >"hu"kles at parents *h I$m &ust idding# I don$t lie mustard all that much. Welcome to# the mystery boat# the mystery boat# the mystery boat. Welcome to# the mystery boat. It$s a mystery it$s# still afloat. >folloed b% a little song hi"h & "an't re"all. I am Maynard# your captain# guide# etc# for your &ourney. Just remember# the month of May follo!ed by a nerd. I !ill need a volunteer to help me steer the boat# someone bet!een the ages of and 0. 1hh# than you. >Manard
&ea%ing the dock Were out of here# lie a bad L1 football team. Welcome aboard the Leai Tii. 1dventure lovers# my name is name and I$ll be your captain "" unless !e run into trouble "" in !hich case your ne! captain !ill be taing over. >looking at nearb% guest... What did you say your name !as? %ello# everyone. I$d lie to !elcome you aboard the !orld"famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and I$ll be your sipper for as far as !e get. %ello and !elcome to the !orld famous Jungle Cruise. My name is name and I$ll be your sipper# guide# captain# cruise director and dance instructor for the ne5t five e5citing days and si5 romantic nights. Where are you from sir/madam? >(uest ansers )orry? >(uest repeats *h "" I heard you the first time# I !as &ust sorry. 3verybody turn around and !ave at the people on the doc... !ave at them... $cause you$re never going to see them againA... then again# you$ve probably never seen them before either. o!# let$s everyone turn around and !ave good"bye to those people on the doc !e$ve left behind. >&n lo voi"e Come on fols... pretend lie you$re having a good time.
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*=... before !e go much further# everyone raise your right hand and repeat after me. I hope....!e do return. 9oodA 4etter turn and tae one last loo at the doc "" you may never see it againA 6ou no! they sa! you can al!ays &udge the ;uality of a ride by itEs line# !ell ho! long did you fols !ait? My point e5actly. >(ood at night ith short lines 6our cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding# almost as though you sense a dis;uieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the doc? *r is it your imagination? 1nd consider this dismaying observation@ this boat is completely surrounded !ith !ater# and I$m you sipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge@ to find a !ay outA *f course you could al!ays s!im a!ayAAA
!orn"ill Cross 1nd for your serious bird !atchers# over there is a hornbill. Loos lie he$s really gone out on a limb this time. If he$s not careful# he$s going to !ind up a snac for those crocodiles. 1nd for all you serious bird !atchers# over there is a serious hornbill# in serious trouble. If he$s not careful# he$s going to !ind up a tasty lunch for those crocodilesA )eriously. *ver there is a rare species of hornbill... about to become a little more rare.
Old 'mile *n the other side is my favorite &ungle resident# *ld )miley# one of the laFiest crocodiles in these parts. I do suggest that you eep your hands inside the boat because )miley is al!ays looing for a hand out. 1nd on the other side is *ld )miley. Did you no! that crocodiles have remained basically unchanged for the last 2( million years? It$s trueA 1nd that$s &ust about ho! long )miley$s been on this river. %e doesn$t get around much anymore. Gsually# he &ust sort of sits around# !aiting for our boats and looing for a hand out. >Turning to a guest Would you mind sticing your hand out as a demonstration?
ain orest
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1s !e leave the last outpost of civiliFation# !e travel deep into the mouth of the Irra!addy river of 1sia into a tropical rain forests# !here it rains some H' days a year. We$re no! leaving the last outpost of civiliFation and entering the &ungle by !ay of the Irra!addy river of 4urma. +eel that mist on your faces... Don$t !orry that$s only the moneys in the trees. +eel that mist on your faces... Don$t !orry that$s only poisonous bacteria that !ill eat you all alive. Do feel that !etness in the air around here? Well that$s the only evidence !e have that are still some moneys in the trees of the Jungle Cruise. %ere in the rain forest it sometimes rains H' days per year...some years it even rains every day. 1s you can see# countless varieties of plant life gro! in abundance here. In fact# !e$ve counted more than 7(( varieties of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air. o! please !atch out for these carnivorous vines pointing > . Last !ee# one of them reached into the bac of the boat and pulled a !oman right out. It !as a!fulA 1nd &ust before she disappeared# she !as feeling &ust vine... >Pointing In fact she !as sitting right !here that lad%/man/girl/bo% in "olor is sittingA
Indiana Jones ide Loo here !e have a bunch a very strange &ungle species# ya see that one there >pointing to a male the one !ith the !ider hips "" that$s the female of the species. Loo here !e have a bunch of 1sian albino hairless apes. 6a !atch >aves to people, the% ave ba"k money see# money do. *ver there is !hat !e call the Indiana Jones 1dventure and the Temple of the +our %our+orever Line. *ver there is the Temple of the +orbidden 3ye. 6ou can see all of the archeologists in line# cleverly disguised as tourists. *ver there is the !orld$s most popular bathroom. 6ou can tell ho! popular it is by all of the people in line for it. Let$s as these fols coming out !hat they thought of it... %o! !as it?
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>)hen people are along the shore :ardon me# but do you have any 9rey :oupon? *ver there !e have hungry natives foraging for food. This is because they$ve been turned a!ay from Indiana Jones and the Temple of the +orbidden 4aloney )and!ich. >Manard
Ancient 'hrine These are the ruins of an ancient shrine# almost totally destroyed centuries ago by an earth;uae. Many e5plorers have tried to steal that priceless ruby# but no one$s ever gotten past that poisonous spider. %o! many of you thin that$s a big spider? >sho of hands %o! many of you thin he$s bigger than the one cra!ling up that man's/oman's leg >*ui"kl% pointing to guest? >Turns off lights, kills motor *h no# not againA >#napproved +oke >Pointing to pillars This !as the Walt Disney Company$s first attempt at a monorail system.
'unken Cit Through this arch!ay# !e enter the remains of the sunen city# no! almost totally reclaimed by the &ungle.
$engal *iger %as anyone seen my itty cat? %ere itty# itty... ohA There he isA >&n lo voi"e That$s no house cat over there. 4engal Tigers can &ump over 2( feet# and !e must be at least# !ell... 78 feet a!ayA 1 4engal Tiger can leap t!enty feetA +ortunately !e$re ten feet a!ay and he !ould go over us and land in the bushes on the other side. The 4engal Tiger can &ump over ten thousand feet... once. Loo at thatA It$s a large 4engal Tiger. o!# 4engal Tigers are no!n to leap over +IK3 T%*G)1D feet in order to catch their prey. That is... !hen you thro! them out of an airplane. That 4engal Tiger over there !eighs about '(( pounds. %e$s looing right at you sir/ma'am "" better eep smiling.
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That 4engal Tiger can &ump up to H'#((( feet... out of a plane that is.
*he crocodiles )ee those crocodiles over there. We have trained them to stay perfectly still so you can tae better pictures. 1nd here !e have some iller crocodiles. Don$t !orry though# they$ve been bolted/super glued to the rocs for their/%our protection. Do you no! !hat the difference bet!een the crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made !ith fiberglass. 6ou no!# the crocs are al!ays looing for a hand out. 6a# but be careful# I once had an 3nglish teacher on board and she didn$t listen to me and no! she$s teaching shorthand.
*he crocodiles +hen ducks are slee,ing on them 1nd loo# over here !e have some terrifying iller ducs. 6ou can tell ho! much they$ve frightened that crocodile belo! them because he$s scared stiff. The crocodile is a terrifyingly ferocious animal# and also provides a comfortable place to sleep.
*hree Co"ras >&n lo voi"e Don$t mae any sudden movesA Those ing cobras are the !orld$s largest poisonous snaes... and they go out for a bite every fe! minutesA Gp on the steps... three ing cobras. %mm... there use to be four of them "" I !onder !here the other one is? >ook around boat interior 1nd here !e have three cobras sticingtheir tongues out at us !ith no regards for our feelings. >Manard
-le,hant .od *n our left is 9anesha# the elephant god# !ho guards the entrance of the sacred bathing pool of the elephants.
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*n our left# 9anesha# the elephant god# holding his nose and on our right# Wii Wii# his brass money side ic.
-le,hant /ool Loo here it$s the republican national convention. 6ou can tae pictures because they all have their truns on. 1nd if you loo over there under the !aterfall# it$s 4ob Dole. *h by the !ay# if you !ant to see the Democrats# they$re bac at the %unchbac of otre Dame +estival of +ools. 1nd it loos lie a !hole herd has come do!n to batheA Don$t scare them no!... of course# the big shot gets the private sho!er... but I ind of lie the little s;uirts myself. 1nd loo at all the elephants out here todayA This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys !ere going to be here. If you !ant to tae pictures go ahead "" all the elephants have their truns on. 1nd &ust ahead# you$ll notice an alligator playing !ith an elephant. That$s not a sight you$ll see every dayA >loer voi"e 4ut I !ill... over... and over... and over... )ee that elephant right there# that$s the richest elephant in the !hole &ungle. 6eah "" it$s Donald Trun.
'#uirting -le,hant 1s !e leave the elephant pool# !e head into... uh"oh "" a big one is coming up on the right and it loos lie he$s aiming for usA >-lephant s*uirts over bo and goes don again, then "omes up *h noA %e$s coming up again "" you fols on the right get do!nA >-lephant doesn't s*uirt Well... I guess he didn$t have time to reload. >or Well I guess he didn$t have enough trun space. *=# !e$re leaving the elephants no! and pressing further into the... Wait a second# it loos lie one of the larger elephants did not !ant to be disturbed. %e$s coming up again... you fols in the bac get do!nA >After elephant does not s*uirt 6ou in the middle/ba"k "" that !as very clever hiding behind the little child. *h noA What$s this? I$ll hurry up and go through. It loos lie !ere not going to mae it. Those in the bac may !ant to duc. >after passing 6ou guys didn$t move< you must have been froFen !ith fear.
'a0ari Out,ost
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6ou no!# a lot of safaris camp around this area. %mm... that could be one up ahead. >Points Gh"oh... this one has some uninvited house guestsA They do have a uni;ue !ay of !ashing the dishes. >Points to ater Those gorillas sure did a sloppy &ob paring that &eepA 4ut I guess moneying around comes naturally to $em. othing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I !ouldn$t get too close# though. They may loo lie a nice bunch# but let me tell you "" those guys are really animals. o! please# if you$re !earing yello!# don$t mae any noises lie a banana... it drives them apeA 1h# that e5plains thingsA It loos lie that safari has some uninvited house guestsA >pause >elling to gorillas %eyA Where$d you guys learns to parallel par any!ay? >a"k to guests 1h# they$re not listening. I guess they$re too busy moneying around. 1nd no! !e come upon a &ungle encampment. It$s being overrun by a bunch of !omen !earing fur coats. >Pause %eyA Those are gorillasA >pause dressed up as !omen !earing fur coats. >Manard +ols# this is !hat happens !hen you leave your ids at home alone. 3arlier these guys !ere having a tough time starting that &eep# but I can see that they$ve finally gotten it to turn over. 1nd one of them is trying to have a mind blo!ing e5perience... If he$s not too careful# he$ll have a real splitting headache.
/lants )ince !e are in an area filled !ith rare tropical foliage# I$d lie to tae a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There$s one# there$s one... >Point left, point rear left, point right, et" I$d lie to point out some of the plant life here on the Jungle Cruise. There$s a hibiscus# a lo!"biscus# and that little one baring is a doggie biscus. )ay# there$s the 1nheiser 4ush# it loos ready to bud. 1nybody no! the names of those? 1nybody? *h !ell. )ee that bamboo over there? It gro!s to be stories tall# but people say it can gro! to 0 stories but that$s a !hole other story.
.orilla 1 Crocodile
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o! there$s a croc !ith a snappy personalityA %a "" he$s going to get himself a nucle sand!ich if he$s not careful. Well# !ill you loo at that "" some of the camp$s food made it do!nstream. 4ut I don$t thin it$s going to !aste. Loo thereA That$s something you don$t see every day# but I do.. every day# every 7' minutes.
At 'ch+eit2er alls *ver there is )ch!eitFer +alls# named after the famous Dr. 1lbert > pause +alls. Lean in the middle# lean in the middle# if you lean in the middle# !e$ll all sin evenlyA )ay !hat you !ill about !omen drivers# but I$ve never been good at maing this turn. %19 *AAA >Rebecca then literall% thros herself out of the boat, grabbing onto a pole and using the momen tum to pull the boat aroun d the "orner. >ot ne"essaril% approved Don$t !orry about the !aterfall< it !on$t get you !et. The !ater in the falls# lie everything else at Disneyland# is completely synthetic. To the left is the beautiful )ch!eitFer +alls# and if you loo over here to your right... and then bac to your left# you can have a second loo at )ch!eitFer +alls.
3ile i%er We$ve turned on to the ile river of 1frica# the longest river in the !orld# !inding across more than ((( miles. We$ve no! turned do!n the ile river "" the longest river in all of 1naheim. That$s right a !hole 2(( feet. >after intro and if you don$t believe that# you must be in denial.
$ull -le,hants Gp on the 3lephants ban# !e have 1frican bull elephants. Those enormous ears and great tuss distinguish them from the Indian elephants !e sa! earlier.
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*n the left !e have an 1frican 4ull 3lephant. 1nd for those of you !ith short term memory problems# on the right !e have an 1frican 4ull 3lephant. *n the left ban there"it$s a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mar the 1frican bull# the second most feared animal in the &ungle. *n the other# T%3 most feared animal in the &ungle "" his ife/motherinla . *n the right ban# !e have 4ertha. )he$s a great elephant# as she obeys commands@ )peaA >elephant makes a little trumpet 6ou can do louder than thatA >elephant makes a load trumpet *# !e$d lie to some pictures# so stand perfectly still. >elephant stands perfe"tl% still Let$s give her a round of applause. >Jaco" >At night Loo there# that$s )ippy)peedyDumbo# the fastest elephant in the &ungle !atch >lights first elephant then flashes it to the elephant on the right :retty amaFing huh?
A0rican 4eldt >Sniffs as e approa"h the Afri"an velt %mm# something smells stiny? >Turns to kid steering the boat Is it you? Do you use deodorant? 6ou don$t? *h >sniffs again Wait a minute# it$s not you. In fact you smell pretty good. Lie Channel number '. 1hh# there$s the culprit. %ey you baboon# put your arms do!n. >Manard * everyone# here are the Moneys# !ave to the Moneys... >silen"e 1h# !ell# you see# they !ould !ave bac# but their hands are glued to the rocs. Loo at that family of baboons< There$s :at 4aboon# Debbie 4aboon# Daniel 4aboon# and the hair stylist Kidal 4aboon. 1nd over here !e have the 4aboon family. There$s :at 4aboon# Debbie 4aboon# their hairdresser Kidal 4aboon# and# uh# oops# that$s not a baboon# that$s my e5"girlfriend. 6es# I left her for my ne! girlfriend !ho can leap over 2( feet and !eighs over '(( pounds. %o! do you tell the difference bet!een the male and female ebras. The males have blac and !hite stripes and the females have !hite and blac stripes. 1nd over here !e have some referees. >Pointing 4y the loo of those baboons up there# something$s up on the great 1frican veldt. 1h"haA It loos lie that pride of lions has made a
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ill# and the clean"up cre!# those hungry vultures# are !aiting for their share. This region points out the basic la! of the &ungle "" don$t be a Febra. *h# it loos lie the entire baboon family has come do!n to the !ater$s edge today# along !ith the other residents of the 1frican veldt. )ee the striped animals over there? Those are Febras. 1nd the big tall ones !ith the long necs? Those are giraffes. 1nd the blac ones over here !ith horns "" !ell# I$ve never seen them before. They must be gnuA We$re about to enter the 1frica veldt# an immense grassland home to an endless variety of !ildlife "" baboons# !ildebeests# giraffes# gaFelles# gnus# g"lions# g"Febras. >hard gsounds %ere$s a little advice. ever play poer in the &ungle# because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they$re not a cheetah# then they$re probably &ust a lion. >At the Afri"an eldt *hhh# don$t !orry ids. )ee# those lions are only protecting that sleeping ebra. LooA It$s )imba and ala from The Lion =ingA >Singing Can 6ou +eel The Love Tonight >e"ecca
*ra,,ed 'a0ari (hino) %ey I no! that guy on the bottom# his names Juan. 6a# and it loos lie that rino is going to get a hole in Juan. There$s that lost safari !e$ve been looing for. *bviously mi5ed up in some ind of native uprising. Well# bottoms up# fello!s# I$m sure you$ll get the point... in the endA Gh"oh... looA That safari$s in a tight spot there. 4ut that rhino seems more than !illing to give them a lift. That rhino seems to be getting his point across# and I$m sure that guy on the bottom !ill get it in the endA *f course# it could be !orse for those guys... they could be the ebra. Well "" you no! !hat they say... safari# so good. )o I guess !e$ll be moving on.
!i,,o /ool We are no! turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos# so please# sit still and don$t roc the boat. These huge creatures are ;uite curious and
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could easily upset our boat. )o please# don$t do anything that might attract themA Last !ee# they overturned si5 of our boats... only +IK3 of them !ere MI3# thoughA. Don$t !orry# the natives tell me that they are only dangerous !hen they !iggle their ears and blo! bubbles. %o! many of you are !illing to go on? >sho of hands %o! many of you !ant to turn bac? %o! many of you are apathetic about the situations? Gh"oh... it loos lie one of them$s going to try to charge our boatA >shoots Loos lie !e$ve scared them off. I bet he$ll have a headache tomorro!A Gh"oh# I guess it loos lie one of them is going to try to tip us over. I$d better scare $em a!ay. >shoots Well# it loos lie that did the tric. 6ou could tell that they !ere scared by all of the blan loos on their faces. If !e$re all real ;uiet# you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. >o voi"e )hhh "" be real ;uite no!... listen ... >leaning out of boat, %ells %ey momA LooA are# beautiful# ma&estic hipposA 3ndangered species# less than H(( left in the !ild. I thin I$ll shoot me a couple. >bang, bang We &ust too our hippos to see Dumbo# and if they !eren$t chained to the bottom of the river they$d all fly a!ay. >think about the iggling ears on the hippos 6ou$ve all probably heard that the hippos are only dangerous !hen !iggling their ears and blo!ing bubbles... but that$s not !hat really maes them dangerous. )ee it$s actually the ritual they have of placing their young in the trees to forge on leaves until the gro! to #((( pounds# then they cannon ball to!ard the boats# sining them all 2 and 72 feet do!n to the bottom of the &ungle floor. *h loo there$s one no! >skipper shoots toard the trees
At the hi,,o ,ool +hen the gun doesn5t 0ire 4angA 4angA >3ippo retreats 4oy are they dumb. 4angA 4angA >3ippo retreats Whe!A That !as closeA >"li"k "li"k "li"k hippo reatreats that cliing noise really scares them. Disney has gone banrupt# and !e can$t afford bullets anymore.
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!eadhunter territor >After firing the gun at the hippo pool 6ou might be !ondering !hy I !as shooting into the trees# but if you loo very carefully# you can see a hippo playing hide"and"see in trees. %e$s hiding behind some banana leaves. Those hippos often &ump out of the trees and sin passing boats. %ere you can see !hat happened to the people on the last boat !hich san. >points to the "anoe ith t he sta"ked skulls 1s you can tell# they all had a good time# since they still have smiles on their faces. > Manard Gh oh# !e$re no! entering into headhunter territory. ot a good place to be headed. We$re entering headhunter country no!... be very ;uiet. In that canoe over there... the remains of my last cre!. They had a good time# even to the end "" they$re still smiling. )hhh... !e$re entering headhunter country no!... don$t mae a sound. In that canoe over there are some of the native$s arts and crafts. 1rt$s the one on the topA We$re not out of danger yet "" this is headhunter territory. emove your &e!elry please. The natives have been complaining of indigestion.
3ati%e 4illage The natives seem to be celebrating the ill of that lion... maybe !e can snea by. Don$t attract their attention. I studied their language in college. Lets see if I can pic up a little@ :ut your right foot in# shae it all about# :ut your right foot out# shae it all about. %ey looA It$s the Killage :eopleA Let$s see !hat they$re saying... 6"M" C"1 This group is trying to come up !ith a name for themselves for their upcoming CD# they have t!o choices# either the Killage :eople or +ine 6oung Cannibals. >As the Tribal illagers are "elebrating their kill of the lion I thin that lion is dead. Do you no! ho! I can tell? Lions don$t normally stand upside do!n. >e"ecca
At the nati%e attack
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>At the village 1llo! me to translate !hat they are saying. 6ou put your right foot in# you put your right foot out >starts singing 6ou do the %oey :oey and you >natives start to atta"k Gh ohA Music criticsA They can get pretty viscous. %ereA puts > hat on the kid steer ing the boat 1ct lie you$re singing >starts singing and aving hat La la la la laA > Manard =eep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. >Turns around *ui"kl% They$re on the L3+T this time. Gh"oh# it loos lie a native !ar party on the left. 6ou fols# please get do!n on the floor. >4akes hooshing sound into mike 1h# those are spears by the !ay. Women and children "" stand upA 1ll the men "" get do!nA Gh oh# it loos lie these natives are going to attac us. =ids# Women... you better lie do!n. Men# stand upA >e"ecca # other female skippers have used this too *h noA The natives are thro!ing spearsA Women and children# stand upA Men# get on the bottom of the boatA 9et do!n in the boat# get do!n in the boat# come on you$re maing me loo stupid up hereA If they hit you !ith a spear# &ust pull it out and thro! it bac at them"you$re not allo!ed to eep souvenirs. We certainly don$t !ant you to be stuc !ith it for the rest of the trip. *n the left# a friendly group of native traders. Ga Muca Luca... Gbonga )!ahili Gnga!a... Wagga =una ui =a... It$s a good thing I spea their language. >Turns to guest They !ant to trade their coconuts for your ife/"hild/husband ... I thin !e should hold out for at least four. *ay ladies and gentlemen the native usually attac from the right hand side of the boat. >atives atta"k Wait one minute hereAAA What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat??? 6ou no! I told you to attac from the right and another thing !hat are you doing &ust standing looing stupid !ith those spears in your hand your supposed to thro! themA 9et bac do!n and try that one againA >Timing is right so the natives go ba"k don on skippers "ommand %ey guys# I said thro+ the spearsA e5t time you better do it# *=? o! get do!n in the bushes and hide again... I$ll be bac laterA >Atta"kers "rou"h don
.oing "ehind the 0alls 4eautiful )ch!eitFer +alls is upon us again. The overhanging roc formation !ill afford us a different vie! this time. I have a special treat for you# fols. 6ou may never have seen this before... there it is "" the bacside of !aterA
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o! ids# don$t try to see this at home# as you$ll hit the bac of your head on the fa!cet. o! hold onto your seat cushions because !e$re about to do something really special "" no e5tra charge. 1re you ready? We$re no! going GD3 !aterA 1nd no!# the reason you came< the most spectacular site you$ll see all day. ladies and gentlemen# a true !onder of the !orldA a splendiferous sight of epic proportionsA a once in a lifetime opportunityA ladies and gentlemenA today$s the day# never againA never beforeA ladies and gentlemenA get your cameras upA get your children upA because you !on$t see this any!here else in the !orld todayA ladies and gentlemen# I give you# !ithout further ado# the much heraldedA the much anticipatedA the much a!aitedA the much sought afterA the much taled aboutA the much ballyhooedA the pinacle of sight and sound that$s unparalelled and unprecedented by anything else in the !orld todayA ladies and gentlemenA I give you# the pinacle of your Disneyland e5perienceA the crescendo of your Disneyland dayA ladies and gentlemen# a sight that$s unrivalled by anything else in the !orld todayA ladies and gentlemen# you$ve searched the ends of the earthA the corners of the globeA the edges of the universeA ladies and gentlemen# the sole reason you came to DisneylandA it$s amaFingA incredibleA astoundingA fascinatingA ladies and gentlemen# the highlight of the cruiseA ladies and gentlemen# the sight that you$ll be telling your grandchildren about for generationsA ladies and gentlemen# the bacside of !aterA
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>afterards That !as some sight. It almost leaves me speechless. >Jaco" clic here for a sound clip.
At night going "ehind the 0alls Ladies and gentlemen# Walt Disney proudly presents# +antasmicA >The guide sings part of the song hile shining his flashlight on the ba"k of the ater and at the ends sa%s in a s*ueak% voi"e5 )ome imagination# huh heheeA +ols !e have reached my favorite part of the ride. That$s because Disneyland has to spend N0'#((( to put this on. >Skipper flashes lights on boat and starts humming to the tune of !antasmi"6
*oucans >At the falls *# no! !e need to go bac the !ay !e cameA o# go to the leftA )ee# those t!o toucans are shaing their heads telling us that !e$re going the !rong !ay. >Manard *n that old stump there are spectacular toucans# some of the most colorful birds in the &ungle. Toucan do much better than one can. *ver on the right you can see a branch !ith t!o toucans. 1nd# of course# three toucans mae a si5"pac.
a,ids o0 Kiliman6aro Gh"oh# up ahead "" the treacherous rapids of =iliman&aro. Kery sharp and dangerous rocs through here...notice the huge !aves crashing against our hull. >4akes "rashing ave sounds in mike %o hum...here !e are at the famous rapids of =iliman&aro. We$ll probably have to shoot them. >eans over and shoots rapids ith thumb and inde7 finger. >Steering heel ba"k and forth otice the sill and sipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those tae pictures# feel free. >Skipper then turns around and poses *opsA I$d better get bac to steering the turns around
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finesse your of you !ho !ish to toards the guests boat. >*ui"kl%
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If !e start sining# !e$ll have to lighten our load. >Turns to guest 6ou fols over there !ant to get your belongings together? 6ou may be leaving us shortly. %ang on...!e$re coming across some !hite !ater here. *ne of those &agged rocs could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If !e start to go do!n# &ust grab for the bright red seat cushions. >"olor not on boat They$re the only ones that float. We$re no! entering the incredibly dangerous !hite !ater rapids of =iliman&aro. 9rab hold of something solid# lie those safety bars of the person ne5t to you because !e$re going to be bouncing up and do!n a lotA >+umps up and don, side to side Whe!A Did you feel the sheer po!er of that? *n the right here are some fascinating roc formations. eally interesting. It$s sad though. I come through here all the time# point these out to people# but they &ust tae them for granite. )ee that roc right there# it$s actually made of limestone# but many of my cre!s &ust tae it for granite. o! !e$re in the dangerous rapids of =iliman&aro. 1nd in the !ater# there$s dangerous pointy things !hich can sin the boat. That !ould be bad# because there on the right hand side# is bubbling# deadly man" eating piranha. 3ven !orse# on the other side of the boat# deadly !oman" eating piranha. >Manard
/thon78ater $u00aloes %ey loo there# !hat ind of snae is that? >People anser ith the names of kinds of snake o# it a plastic snae. :ython$s are one of the less intelligent animals in the &ungle. If they !ere smart do you thin that he !ould be hugging that dead tree stump !hen food is all around him. Gh"oh... Loo ahead thereA 1 huge python. It loos lie he tried to put the s;ueeFe on that baby !ater buffalo... 1ctually# he$s very affectionate# and if !e get much closer# he could get a crush on youA 1nd on the left# a huge python# one of the &ungle$s most fascinating and studied creatures. 1fter all# loo at all the animals that totally get !rapped up in the sub&ectA *ver here !e have a rare species of vegetarian python. 6ou can tell since he has a stranglehold on that tree. >To the "aden"e of the kids poem 4ont% and -lm%ra, sitting in a tree, 8&SS&( Looie at the :ython# sitting in the tree# %"I")")"I""9.
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%ey fols# !hat sound does a snae mae? people > respond b% hissing *h common# the &oes aren$t that bad. %ey fols# you no! that most snaes hiss. Well# here on the !orld famous &ungle cruise !e have the only snae that grunts. Listen... >)ater uffalo makes grunting sounds... see?
*rader 'am 1nd here !e have )am the trader. )am is the head salesman in these parts. This !ill probably mae you !onder Why can$t he get a decent dental plan? Well# business has been shrining lately. )o# he has a special t!o for one offer. T!o of his heads# for one of yours. Do !e have any volunteers? 6ou madame >points to a oman inthe boat# your hand !as up. 1re you ready to &ump? We$ll count to three. *ne... t!o... three. 6ou didn$t &ump. Did you change your mind? >guest nods Women al!ays do. >Manard There$s old Trader )am# head salesman of the area. 4usiness has been shrining lately# so this !ee only# )am$s offering a t!o"for"one special@ t!o of his# for one of yoursA There$s old Trader )am... Three e5plorers came through here last !ee and )am invited them for dinner. When he told them !hat the menu !as# they completely lost their heads. Trader )am !as thro!n out of college# ya# he !as caught buttering up one of his professors# no! he$s a psychologist. 6ou can tell !ho is clients are# he a shrin to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his baset cases. )am had me over for dinner the other night. I en&oyed it and said to him 6our !ife sure does mae a good chili %e said 6eah# but I$m sure going to miss her. )am had me over for dinner the other night< unfortunately I arrived late and all he gave me !as the cold shoulder. This is my good friend )am# !ho runs the Cannibal Cafe. The last time I taled to )am !as at his cafe. I told that I didn$t lie his brother very much. %e told me $e5t time# have the salad.$
eturn to Ci%ili2ation 1nd no!# probably the most dangerous part of our &ourney "" the return to civiliFationA I certainly hope you$ve en&oyed our cruise. %o!ever# if your in"la!s are still !ith you# you$ve missed a golden opportunity. %o!ever# bring them bac later tonight for our in"la! special... half!ay for half fare# no ;uestions ased.
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1nd no!# the most dangerous part of our &ourney "" the return to civiliFation and those California free!ays. Tal about a &ungleA 1nd no! the most dangerous part of our &ourney# the return to civiliFation. *n the doc !e have t!o disguised moneys !ho have shaved their fur off and put on clothes to help assist you out of the boat. 1nd for our volunteer# I present this special leaf >hands a leaf to the kid . >Manard o! !e are entering the most dangerous part of our &ourney " the trip home on the )anta 1na +ree!ay. Dangerous for you# that is# I$m here $til midnight. Mae sure you have all personal belongings !ith you... cameras# purses# small children... anything left on board !ill be thro!n screaming to the crocodiles. Than 6ou for riding and have a good day. 1nd as Michael Jacson !ould say >&n a feminine voi"e Than 6ou for riding and have a good day. 1nd as Charley 4ro!n$s teacher !ould say >&n the tea"hers eird voi"e Wa# !a"!a# !a !a !a#... 1nd no! as Millie Kinille !ould say >mouths the ords Than 6ou for riding and have a good day. :lease eep your hands inside the boat# I sure don$t !ant my ne! doc ruined. o! comes the most perilous part of the trip# our return to civiliFation and my attempt to ram the doc. There are t!o docs at the end of the ride. Don$t get confused. It is a parado5. >pair of do"ks 1nd those t!o guys are a pair o dors. It$s very important that you !ait to get off the boat until one of our doc cre! is there to assist you. Just yesterday !e had a lady fall in and none of them !ere around to laugh at her. I certainly en&oyed having you aboard the Jungle Cruise today# and I hope you all en&oyed being had/taken. If you had a good time on this ride# my name is name and this is the Jungle Cruise. If you didn$t have a good time# my name is some other name and this is Stor%bookland/the Submarine o%age/the 8eel oats. If you had a good time on the Jungle Cruise# !ell then my name is name. If you didn$t# then my name is John. >"ast member, 9ohn appears on the unload do"k *h# hi John. %o!$s it going? 3n&oy your day at the 2nd most happiest place on earth. What$s the happiest? The employee paring lot 7' minutes after close. Well# it$s the end of the ride and no! !e return you to this magical# mystical place I lie to call... in sic as much as possible.
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I hope you en&oy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse. >)hen the fireorks ere about to start 4e sure to !atch t!o big burly guys thro! Tinerbell from the top of the Matterhorn
9,on lea%ing the "oat Ladies and gentleman# you !ere outstanding on the boat today# but no! I need you out standing on the doc no!. o!# as you$re leaving the boat# if you find your shoes rapidly filling !ith !ater# you$ve gotten out on the !rong sideA 1s you e5it the boat# please !atch your step and mind your head. If you miss your step and hit your head# !atch your language# Disneyland is a family place. %elping you out !ill be the Lee brothers# Gg"lee and %ome"lee. *h loo# here$s T!eedle"dum and T!eedle"dumber. * everyone rise lie bread. Don$t loaf around. I no! this &ob isn$t much# but it$s the yeast I can do for the dough I mae. I guess I$m really on a roll here. Don$t step on anyone$s feet# you$ll feel lie a heel# and !e$ll have to call a toe truc. Then you$d have to foot the bill. :lease mae sure you have all your children !ith you. We tae children left behind over to It$s a )mall World# nail/bolt/superglue their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and... +ols# as !e near the doc# all the people !aiting to help you out give you an idea of ho! many people actually !or at Disneyland... about one out of three. :lease e5it the boat the same !ay you entered... pushing and shoving. T!o of the !orld$s largest pygmies !ill assist you from the boat. :lease tae your ids by the hand and !atch your step. *=# everybody stand up please. Those of you on the doc side !ill be helped out by the front# those of you on the !ater side should turn around and you$ll be helped out by the rear... of the boat that is. When I count to three# everybody stand... the last one standing is a baby hippo. eady? *ne... t!o... fourA Loo at all the baby hipposA Do stand up... off your seats# on your feets.
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1ll right... if you don$t stand# you$ll have to go againA I ne! that !ould get you up. Loo do!n and !atch your step as you e5it. If you feel faint# don$t hesitate to thro! your arms around the necs of the unloaders... that$s ladies only# pleaseA Don$t fall in the !ater as you leave... !e$ll have to charge you e5tra. Well fols# I hope you all en&oyed your trip around the &ungle. I had such a good time "" I$m going to go againA >lo voi"e... and again# and again# and again... 4ye no!A Come bac and see me again !hen you have the courage... and en&oy the rest of your stay in the Magic =ingdom. 1ren$t you going to say good"bye# after all !e$ve been through together? :lease be sure to tell your friends ho! much you en&oyed the Jungle Cruise... it helps eeps the lines do!n. :lease don$t go out the !indo! "" you$ll get a !indo! pane. Watch your step# and please don$t step on small children indiscriminately. :ic the one you !ant and mae sure you get himA *f all the groups I$ve taen on this ride# you$re the most... recent. We hope you en&oy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that !e call... !or. If you !ould lie to see me on the David Letterman )ho! ne5t month... please !rite him a letter and tell him you !ould lie to see me thereA 1nd# as you leave the paring lot tonight# be sure to en&oy Disney$s ne!est parade "" Tail"light Magic. The best part of this parade? 6ou supply the musicA >Katie 1nd# after searching for your car in our beautiful 7(( acre paring lot# be sure to !atch the Tail"light electrical parade ,or The West )treet 3lectrical :arade- With thousands of sparling lights t!inling into the distance. 1nd the best part of the parade? 6ou get to be a part of itA
Other 6okes 4efore I came to the Jungle# I !ored in an orange &uice factory# but I got canned. I couldn$t concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me. They really put the s;ueeFe to me# too.
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I used to !or in a !atch factory. I sat around maing faces all day. %ere# tae some advice. 3K3 play leapfrog !ith a GnicornA >e"ecca
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