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«W
hat the hell are you thinking?!», I fell backwards raising my hand on my lips. «It’s just a kiss, there’s no need to react like that», replied Rei amused. «J-Just a kiss? But you’re with… Yamato!» «There, see?», she stood up looking at me with indifference «Now you won’t have to bother to eavesdrop on boy’s chitchat and beat them, anymore», she bent down on me squeezing my chin between her finger and thumb. «Just remember this… I’m worse than all of them» I stayed still, I didn’t have the strength to reply or react. I was subjugate by her and her eyes again: two expressionless blue marbles. «Asakawa…», I could barely say, but she had already turned and walked away. I don’t know how long I stayed on that roofing, I only remember that I made just in time to see the sky turning orange. When I got back to class, Yukino was still waiting for me leaning against her desk: the room was perfectly cleaned and tidied up. «There you are, finally!», she sighed coming to me. «You made me worry» «Sorry…», I whispered feeling the tension breaking all at once. «Are you crying?», she hugged me tenderly. «Look, I’m going to beat that idiot, too!», «No, it’s not him…», I whispered holding her more and hiding my face on her shoulder. Yukino kept quiet till I stopped crying and didn’t ask me anything more, until we found Yamato waiting for us, while we were going down to the courtyard: «Leave her alone!», growled my friend before he could open his mouth. «You’ve done enough damage for today, don’t you think? » «Miyuki-chan, I remained here to talk to you on purpose. Please…», he stared at me in pain. «Ok», I accepted nodding to my classmate. «I’ll wait for you out of the gate, alright? We’re going home together», said Yukino touching slightly my shoulder, then she got away casting an angry look to the boy. 74
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The sun was still going down and Yamato’s face was being caressed by that warm light which brought out his sad expression: «I’m sorry», he said with a worn out voice. «I didn’t want you to hear that conversation, I made a mistake by talking to Shingo and Nato, I didn’t think that someone could hear us and…», he paused. «When they said that thing about Rei, I got mad… but they’re just like that. They can seem dreary but they’re just appearances, I can assure you that they always have some good advice for me, in the end» «Like keep on staying with Asakawa so you don’t run the risk of not getting any?», I felt the anger rising from my guts. «That was just a silly joke, really! If you want, just think of it as a lousy way to minimize the discussion», he justified. «I know you can’t understand me, but…» «But…?» «Rei is my first girlfriend», he explained embarrassed. «Why are you telling me this?», I asked and I felt in the grip of agitation. «I like you» «Don’t say it!», I brought my hand on my ears by instinct trying not to hear him, but Yamato grabbed me by my wrists and pulled me toward him. «It’s the truth!», he shouted looking for my eyes. «Don’t you think about her? What the heck are you thinking?», I turned my head trying to escape from him. «I’m thinking about Rei right now», he grasped my shoulders. «I was always being fair, especially since we started dating» «Why, then?», I yelled at him, I couldn’t take it anymore. «Because I feel like something is missing!», he gripped me even more. «Do you think that it is all about sex for a boy?» «This is what your friends said», I looked in his eyes full of resentment. «Well, it’s not like that for me!» «I don’t care to know all these things», I got mad. «Look, I tried to stay by her side but she’s not the girl for me», he insisted. «I’m not interested in doing such things if I can’t have her love, too, 76
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you know? This is what I wanted to hear from my friends», he slid his hand along his hips. «That bucket of cold water did me good» «Yamato, I’m sorry but I can’t…» «I’m not asking you anything», he interrupted me. «I just wanted to be honest with you and… please, forgive me for talking about my problems to you», he ended. We looked at each other for a long moment, then the words came out from my lips on their own: «What will you do with Asakawa?», «I’ll talk to her. I’ll tell her the truth, that is, our relationship doesn’t work this way and that many times I feel like a puppet », confessed Yamato. «I was the one who was wrong, anyhow», he bit his lips. «She has been clear from the start» «What do you mean?», I asked feeling my heart beating faster. «When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she answered me that she would never fall in love with me, but that we could go out», he explained. «At the beginning I thought that things would change, that she would let herself go. Rei has always had this image… you know, right? Of an upright person», he smiled slightly. «That is just an act, though…», he left the sentence pending and changed the expression on his face. There was a part of me that would have stopped him, that didn’t want to know how was Asakawa in his eyes, but the other part… was greedy of every single word about her. *** «Is everything ok with that stupid?», asked Yukino excitedly walking by my side on the way home. «You look upset» «I am, a little bit», I confessed «Today happened too many things» «Yeah, it really did», she shrugged. «Look, that thing you did with the stick, would you explain it to me?», she gave me a nudge. «Aikido», I answered, being able to finally calm down. «My grandpa own an Aikido dojo, I’ve been playing it since I started walking for the first time» 78
«Wow! Awesome!», my friend burst out laughing. «Now I know I can have you as my bodyguard», she joked. «Why didn’t you join that club, then?» «I prefer the cooking club. At any rate I can practice at home whenever I want, there’s a room I can use as a dojo» «Seriously?», wondered Yukino. «Yeah, my father and I grew up with this teaching: to work well you must nourish properly both your body and soul» «Well said!», she nodded. «I’m hopeless at sports, though», she stretched her arms out with a smirk. «It takes just a little perseverance», I said opening the gate of my house. «Thank you for walking home with me» «No problem», she winked. «I noticed that Yamato has a lot of perseverance, too» «We have only clarified the accident in the boy’s restroom» «You know what I mean», said Yukino looking for an answer in my eyes. «He’s a good guy. Beyond his questionable company» «But…?» «But he’s just a friend», I smiled. «It’s because of the class rep, isn’t it?», she asked freezing me. «You don’t want to wrong her, do you?» «No, it’s not», I answered shaking my head. «Is it possible that you don’t like him not even a bit?», she raised an eyebrow. «I’m not saying he’s not a handsome guy, but he’s the least of my worries for now», I admitted peacefully. «Got it», she sighed. «I’m going home, my job here is done», she waved turning back. «Wait a moment», I called her back. «Thanks for worrying for me» «There’s no need to thank me. I love you, Miyuki-chan», she smiled. «You know you can count on me for anything», she waved before leaving. That day had been really too tough. I showered, ate a little in a rush and went straight to bed. 79
“My first kiss…”, I sighed and touched slightly my lips with my fingertips. I stretched out my arms on the bed looking at the ceiling of my room. “So, she… would kiss anyone?”, I wondered remembering what Yamato told me: «Rei come to me only when she want to do ‘that’», he poured out his feelings to me leaving me more incredulous than I already was. «When I insist on going out with her and be together like a couple, she find it hard to start a conversation. She keeps her distance from me and doesn’t even want to hold my hand, though…», he paused analyzing that like he was talking to himself rather than to me. «During our intimate moments she is so provocative…» “Provocative…”, I repeated rolling on the bed. The way Rei had approached me wasn’t quite different from the one confessed to me by Yamato. “Her eyes… at first so sensitive and deep and then… empty”, the same feeling as when Rei kissed me made its way inside me. I sighed feeling suddenly hot. “Is it possible that I’m attracted to her?”, I hid my face in the pillow. “Do I really want her to touch me like that?” To love without love. «If those stupid boys got excited hearing the stories of Ryo showing off his erotic exploit, I don’t care about that. He can do and say what he want... it’s just sex, after all, isn’t it?», told me Rei. “Just sex”, I repeated to myself. “She want to have fun. I have to get her out of my head before it’s too late!”, I removed the crazy thought of the two of us, clung to each other on the school’s roof. *** «Miyuki, help!» «Wait a second», I caught the ladle from Yukino’s hands. «If you keep the heat so high the cream will stick», I quickly blended it while adding some milk. «Here, keep turning it clockwise, I lowered the flame» «Thank you so much», my dear friend hugged me, she had decided to follow me in the cooking club, in the end. «Ikeda-san, could you help us, too?», another first year called me. 80
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In the end, I had become the helper of our Home Economics teacher, rather than relax baking sweets. Not that I was mind that, but that month so many things had happened that I felt the need to bake on my own for a bit: “If I finish next week’s homework before Friday night, I’ll be able to help out in the shop on Saturday and Sunday”, I thought, then I heard somebody calling me out again: there was someone at the doorway who was looking for me. I walked up to them wiping my hand on the apron. «Misato-san, what are you doing here?», I asked surprised. «I need to talk to you, do you have a moment?» I followed the basketball team’s captain out of the room and shut the door behind me. «Did something happened?», I got worried. «Actually, I was wondering why you didn’t show up anymore after the match», she stared at me with her big hazel eyes. «There’s no particular reason», I lowered my eyes embarrassed. «It’s just that… as you can see, this is my club» «I thought you enjoyed playing» «I did, of course, but…», I faltered. «Is it because of me?», she asked flooring me. «Oh, no! Absolutely not», I gestured feeling my cheek burn. «Captain, I…» «Don’t call me Captain», her expression changed: suddenly she was serious and impenetrable. «I don’t want to force you playing if you don’t want to… even though…», she paused losing her confidence for a moment. «Can we spend a little time together when get out of your class?», she asked. «I’ll finish in half an hour», I just answered. «Thank you, I’ll be waiting at the garden in front of the athletic field, ok?» «Yes, I’ll see you there», I nodded before going back to the classroom. My heart started running fast like a train in my chest: what would the basketball team’s captain want from me but to deal with the ‘postgame’ issue? That day I had literally run away and since then we didn’t met anymore. 82
At the end of the class I said goodbye to my classmates and asked Yukino to go home alone. I quickly headed for the place of the appointment, I was determined to sort out that situation as soon as possible, but when from afar I saw Misato standing there leaning back against a tree, her face pointed towards the ground with a worried expression, I didn’t feel so confident anymore. «Misato-san», I called her out waking her up from her thoughts. Misato turned towards me with her usual gentle smile. «Thanks for coming, Miyuki» «No problem, how can I help you?», I asked her plucking up courage. She moved away from the tree and came to me: «I missed you», she said making startling me. «C-Captain… I…», I stuttered. «No, please, let me finish. Otherwise I don’t know if I’ll be able to conclude the speech», she gently rubbed her hand through her dark hair. I stayed quiet until Misato start to talk again: «Ever since I met you, all I do is think about you», she confessed. «I’m not asking you to join the team, even though I’d be happy, of course. What I’d like to know is…», she stared me down while her cheeks were turning red. «Would you go on a date with me?» The light breeze of the evening ruffled her hair while she was looking at me like that day in the locker room after the game. Stiff, totally different from how I saw her running and moving on the court. Now, the charming ‘Iroku’s Panther’ was waiting for an answer from me, she, who certainly had plenty of fans and admirer. «Why?», I lowered my eyes feeling my legs tremble. «I’m the news at school, it’s for that, isn’t it?», I asked her feeling uncomfortable. First Yamato, then Rei and now even her… «Absolutely not!», she shouted. «Really? Yet I don’t have any special quality enough to be at the center of attention» «Miyuki, I can’t speak for the others but to me… Yes, you’re special», she replied. «When I’m near you my heart seems to want to burst at any 83
moment», she revealed, the she took my hand and put it on her chest. «Do you feel it? I’m not lying» It was true. Misato’s heart was beating so strong, so fast… «I just want to spend some time with you, since you won’t come to practice anymore» «You’re asking me more than that», I said in a whisper getting lost into her eyes. «Yes, you’re right. I can’t deny it…», she slowly came closer to me, until I felt her lips on my cheek. I held my breath and for a moment I wondered if I would have liked her to kiss me like Rei did. *** “What’s wrong with me?”, I mulled over while I was putting the dishwasher on. My mother was watching a movie on the TV and my father had gone out with his friends. That night was my turn to tidy up but my head was somewhere else. After a little more than two months in the new school, I had already received two love confessions and my first kiss: “If someone had told me that before moving in I would never have believed it”, I sighed feeling overwhelmed by events. By then it wasn’t about returning each other feelings anymore, but to clear things up inside me. I dragged myself into my room and I started wondering. It wasn’t easy, but I had to find the courage to expose myself if I really wanted to get out of that situation. I let myself fall on the bed and I thought to that afternoon: “Misato is so kind and pretty”, I sighed. “She said she miss me. No one ever said anything like that to me”, I rolled on a side towards the window. “Who I would like to see, now? Who among them?” Finally an image took shape before my eyes: “Rei…”, I clenched a hand on the pillow thinking about the kiss she gave me, again. “I can’t get her out of my head, despite Yamato and Captain’s declarations”, I sat squeezing my knees on my chest. “I need to talk to 84
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her!”, I decided, already aware of the fact that I couldn’t think to anything else until I made things clear with her. I ended up spending a sleepless night and the day after I looked forward to lunch break to go and find her where, I already realized, she had her refuge. I went quickly up the stairs to the roof. Rei was there as I expected. She had skipped last period and now she was lying on the floor with her head on top of her schoolbag, her face dropped on one side and her eyes closed: “Is she sleeping?”, I went closer. She seemed so fragile, so beautiful while he chest was moving up and down with every breath. I stopped and looked at her: her skin was white and silky. I felt the impulse to kiss her and my heart started pounding inside my chest. My mind went blank. I forgot everything: «Asakawa», I called her softly. «Don’t go…», it seemed she was responding to me while a single tear was running through her cheek. I was stunned. Her lips unclosed letting out a slight moan: who was she dreaming? Who was the person who didn’t have to leave her? I gently shook her calling her again. «What’re you doing here?», she drew back waking up. «Sorry, I saw you and…» «I fell asleep without realizing it», she rubbed a hand through her hair sitting up. «What did you want?», she asked in a distant way. «Yes, but now…», I froze for a second. Rei frowned and then stood up: «It’s late, the clock’s bell is ringing two o’clock», she stepped away quickly. «Hey, wait! You can’t go like this», I tried to stop her. «If you want we can talk later, someone asked me an appointment first», she answered carelessly going down the ladder. «An appointment?», I said looking out from above the roofing, in the meantime the door beneath opened. The school’s roof wasn’t very popular, everyone liked to take refuge into the garden during recess or lunch break. Also, there was a refined bistro inside the institute, where I usually went with Yukino to eat. Yet, Rei 86
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liked so much that place to fall asleep under the blue sky thinking about anything else. «You’re on time», I heard her saying, while the door was shutting. I made it just in time to recognize Misato before deciding to lay down on the ground so they couldn’t see me. «Thanks for giving me some minute of your time», said the captain sarcastically. «You know what I wanted to say, right?» «Actually, I don’t, but I doubt you’re here to confess your love for me», answered back Rei. «No, I’m not. You’re absolutely not my type, you should know it» I held my breath. It was the first time I’d heard Misato speaking like that, usually she was always so kind. I was being an indiscreet listener once again. «Get to the point», Rei got impatient. «Why did you break up with him?» «Did he tell you that?» «Ryo is having a hard time!», Misato got angry. «If he’s feeling so bad, why don’t you comfort him?» «I’m not the one who should do that» «Well, if that’s the case, I’m not either», retorted Rei. «Don’t you think he deserve an explanation at least?» «Fujiwara… I’m getting tired of you», sighed Rei. «Do you think you can solve everything with a sentence like that?» Misato looked very angry, while I was felling stupid being stuck in that situation: I was lying on the ground of the roofing’s turret while my two schoolmates were fighting. «All right, since nobody seems to mind his own business, I’ll give you my own version», Rei sighed annoyed. «It just so happens that Ryo himself was the one who wanted to break up with me», she said. «No way…», staggered the captain. «Why would I tell a lie?» Misato didn’t answered. «That’s the problem. People have an overwhelming need to believe to everything they’re told by those who they love», she said being provoca88
tive. «It’s different to me. I had been clear with Ryo, I said right from the start that I didn’t love him and, to be honest, I don’t believe love is that big of a deal», she ended hurting me unknowingly. «Asakawa, what are you saying?» «You asked me a question and I decided to answer you», Rei replied pungent. «So, do me the favor of not questioning my words. The truth is quite different» «What truth are you talking about?», Misato replied unperturbed. «About the one you don’t want to hear», Rei nailed her. I was shocked, those two seemed to hate each other and I didn’t understand why. Is that possible that Yamato was so important to them to make them fight like that? «It’s true, I went out with Yamato for a while, so what? Do you want to be the one to judge me? You’d be an hypocrite, you know that well», continued Asakawa with a sharp tone and I became agitated: what she was referring to? “I don’t get anything anymore”, I closed my eyes, wishing to be able to run away from there to not listen anything else. «You’re wrong, I never underestimate the feelings of those I’m going out with», replied Misato surprising me. «So you’re judging me», I heard Rei’s steps on the floor. «Tell me, If I told you that Yamato lied to you? That he lied right to you, who are his best friend?», she said lowering her voice, like she wanted to be heard only by her. «Speak clearly, Asakawa!» «Fine, but remember that I’ll pretend you apologies», replied Rei. «Yamato left me for another girl», she continued talking out loud. «And… Irony of fate, this girl is the same you kissed yesterday in the school’s garden» I put a hand on my mouth in shock: Rei saw us! «Are you saying that Ryo left you because he’s in love with Miyuki?», asked faintly Misato. «Why don’t you ask that to him directly, facing him? Perhaps, he won’t be able to lie to you again!», replied Rei hateful and at that point I heard 89
the door open again. «Wait, Fujiwara! Before you leave you must tell me something», I heard her walking with slow steps once again. «What’re you going to do now?» «If it was as you said it, it’ll be Miyuki the one to choose», «Are you seeing what love can do?», laughed Rei ironic. «You and Yamato grew up together, you’ve been friends for so many years, yet for a stupid crush you two are risking to destroy you friendship» «No, you’re wrong. This isn’t a simple crush. I’m not willing to step back, not this time», concluded Misato. A moment later, I heard the door shut. Rei and I were alone again. The anxiety wasn’t going to surrender, I was still not able to realize the paradox I was living. «It seems like Fujiwara is serious», said Rei out loud. I stood up on my elbows looking beneath me. She had her usual arrogant smile on her lips. «You’re such a heartbreaker» «Are you mocking me?», I felt a jolt going through my body and in an instant I went down the ladder. «Actually, you care about Yamato», I put my hand on Rei’s shoulders lightly shaking her. She looked at me surprised. «Don’t try to pretend. I heard you crying!» «You heard me…?», she burst out laughing. «Listen, don’t try to depict me as you want me», she tightened my wrists pushing me against the entrance door of the roofing. «Why are you acting like this?», I asked her trying to break loose. Rei shut my mouth with a kiss and the same emotions from the first time she did it invaded me again. Even more intense, stronger. «Asakawa…», I leaned to her feeling my strength faint. «How sensitive, little and naïve you are, Miyuki», she released me, sliding her hands on my breasts that she squeezed gently. A moan came out from my lips. «I’d like you could see yourself now, you’re adorable when you’re so turned on», she said in a whisper kissing my neck. For a moment I felt myself at the mercy of a creature of the night, one of those you’d see in a movie or you’d read in a book. Those dangerous creatures ready to eat you, your lifeblood and your secrets. 90
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«Please…», I trembled melting: I’ve never felt anything like that before, nothing that I could recall even remotely. «Be quiet, don’t get upset», she squeezed a hand on my hip like she did the first time, coming closer to me. Rei was hot and not just because of the sun that was spying on us, high above us: she was turned on, too, just like me. «Why?», I asked panting, I was unable to resist to her touch. She didn’t replied, she kept unbuttoning my blouse while running through my neck with the tip of her tongue, and giving me more violent sensations. «A white embroidered bra», whispered Rei moving back to watch me. «You’re embarrassing me this way», I narrowed my eyes trying to slip away again. «You don’t have to», she inserted a hand in my blouse. «There’s nothing wrong in it if you’re liking it», she lowered her mouth burrowing through the cloth. «N-No, please… don’t», I barely said in time before feeling her lips touching lightly my skin and surrounding my flesh, I grasped her shoulders and another moan stuck in my throat. «So sweet», moaned sensually Rei pressing her head against my chest. By impulse I rubbed a hand through her shiny dark hair, I brushed it from her face and my heart stopped: she was so beautiful, so perfect that I felt my eyes welling up in tears with emotion: «Rei…», I sighed moving her away from me to take her mouth back with a kiss. Her arms tightened around my hips pulling me to her vehemently. «Finally», she panted leaning her forehead on mine for a moment. «I want to feel you…», she took my breath away kissing me with passion while her hand was slipping down my skirt, lifting it up. «Don’t move», she kindly ordered to me going back up to my underwear. «H-Hold on!», I jolted blocking her wrist. «What is it?», she asked with that smirk that attracted and annoyed me at the same time. «Don’t tell you don’t want it. You’d be lying», she laughed on my lips. 92
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«I want to name all of this, first», I was able to reply connecting her eyes to mine. «Name?», she stared at me with her blue eyes, which suddenly became dark and deep like the ocean. «Is it just a game for you? Once we’ve finished… will you go away like nothing?» Rei remained silent. «If things are like this, then… I don’t want to», I looked away, finding the courage to move her away from me: despite my heart was throbbing like crazy, despite I was terribly attracted to her, I didn’t want to bend to that condition. “Maybe all of this doesn’t matter to her…”, I bit my lips wishing hard that she’d lie to me. Rei came closer to me again speaking with a balanced voice: «Tonight, when you’ll be back home, you will think to what just happened and you’ll feel satisfied only half. You’ll miss something», she breathed. «You’ll miss what I did and what I was going to do to you», she whispered in my ear. «No, not like this!», I replied determined buttoning up again my blouse. At that point Rei returned to be her usual self: cold, detached, vitriolic… «Do as you want, but do you know how this ends?», her look hit me like muddy water. «You will think of me even when one of those two will touch you», she ended irreverent. At that point I woke up from my dream, from my desire, from the feeling I was overwhelmed by: «How could you be so cruel?», I slapped her. «Of all people, you’ll be the one who will pay the consequences and you’ll be victim of what you created», I looked at her with disdain, while she was placing her hand on her burning cheek. «I feel sorry for you», I ran away leaving her astounded and incredulous. *** 95
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Orange Cream di Scarlett Bell
with drawings by Aeryn Sun
English translation by Sakura21 from micettescans.blogfree.net
TO BE CONTINUED...
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