BLIND DATE OF THE DEAD
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1. FADE IN INT. BISTRO – NIGHT AT THE TABLE, THE DUDE (20s), a guy looking his best on a blind date, checks his cell phone. Eyes the door frequently, eyes about his surroundings. THE RH NARRATOR steps into the scene. THE NARRATOR Hi there. See that Dude over there? He’s on a BLIND DATE. You can tell by often he checks his watch, checks his cell phone, who’s coming through the door, who’s sitting at the tables, his knee shaking, that’s sexual tension right there. Now a blind date isn’t the best experience for a dude. Unless he’s desperate. Or stupid. Or he’s desperate and stupid. Then it is the only choice. God knows who goes through that door as your blind date. Narrator and the Dude turns at the door as SOMEONE comes in. NARRATOR (OS) Could be your twin sister... AT THE BISTRO DOOR, THE DATE is the Dude in a Dress. NARRATOR (OS) Could be another dude... AT THE BISTRO DOOR, THE DATE is another guy who steps in. Back at the Narrator. NARRATOR But the worst of the worst is if your date is the WALKING DEAD. The door opens, and a THE DATE - ZOMBIE GIRL shuffles in, dressed in a prom dress from the 80’s (with wide shoulder pads), smeared face paint, and hair piled up with hair spray. FADE TO BLACK. FADE UP TITLE: “HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BLIND DATE” “IS A ZOMBIE”
2. FADE IN INT. BISTRO – NIGHT The DATE shuffles to the table, the Guy looks up and down at her. NARRATOR First tell-tale sign. Outdated fashion sense. She’s wearing her Sunday’s best and her hair up like she’s going to the prom in the eighties, it’s because she died in the eighties. The Dude stands up and braves a smile. He offers her his hand which she awkwardly shakes. The Dude flinches at the touch, rubbing his fingers as if sticky. NARRATOR Second sign. Her skin is pale and her touch is cold and sticky. Either she’s in an advanced state of decomposition or she’s using too much skin whitening lotion. The Dude helps the Date to her chair. He settles himself back on his seat. His nostrils flare, he sniffs around not trying to look to obvious. He smells his armpit, checks his breath. Then he stares at the Date. The Date smiles, showing darkly stained teeth. NARRATOR Third sign. No concept of personal hygiene-- rotten odour, breath like a toilet, bloody gums. The Dude smiles again, bravely. THE DUDE Ah I got this for you. He leans over and raises a bouquet of flowers to the Date. The Date panics, reaches for the bouquet and attacks it with a vengeance. NARRATOR Flowers-- PLANTS and zombies are mortal enemies. Sign four. The Dude looks surprised by what the Date has done but makes no deal out of it as THE WAITER brings A LARGE PIZZA and A LARGE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI to the table. The Date attacks the spaghetti savagely like a hungry beast, forcing the food down on her mouth with her hands.
3.
The Dude watches in shock as sauce is flicked on his face, like splatter. He turns to the waiter who hands him some napkins to help him wipe his face. NARRATOR Signs five and six, voracious appetite. Messy eater. When the Dude cleans himself up, all the food is gone from the table, the Date ate them all. The Waiter clears up the table and the Dude engages the Date in conversation. The Dude looks animated, nervous, laughs. THE DUDE But that’s enough about me, tell me something about you. The Date looks blankly into space, with dead-white eyes. Long awkward silence on the table. NARRATOR Sign four. Unresponsive to communication. THE DUDE So...what do you look for when it comes to guys? The Date, like stoned. THE DATE ...Braaaains... A little sauce spills out the Date’s lips. The Dude excuses himself from the table. INT. WASHROOM. The Dude finishes peeing in the urinal. He heads to the sink, washes his hands. After washing his hands, he looks up at the mirror to find the DATE reaching forward for him for a bite! The Dude moves out of the way as the Date pursues him, shuffling. THE DUDE Uh aren’t we moving a bit too fast? I’m not really that type of guy. The Dude exits the Washroom door. The Date shuffles after him but bumps into the door, stalled.
4. INT. THE BISTRO – NIGHT. The Dude returns to his table. Turns to find the Date already standing behind him, hovering, startling him. THE NARRATOR No concept of personal boundaries. Sign number three. The Date moves on the Dude, trying to land a deadly kiss. The Dude struggles against her advances. THE DUDE Shouldn’t we get to know each other first? MUSIC (OS) stops the Date. It’s the first notes of Michael Jackson’s THRILLER. The Date shuffles back into the central space of the bistro’s floor. She begins the classic moves like an expert. THE NARRATOR Second sign. Your date knows the moves to Thriller. The Date dance-moves and she’s attracting the attention of the other diners who are actually zombies. The other zombies join her, completing the Thriller dance moves. THE NARRATOR Number 1 sign your date’s a zombie. She brings her friends to the party. They slowly shuffle towards the Dude, the Waiter is also a Zombie. The Dude is trapped when the Date and her zombie friends fall on him. The Dude screams (OS). Painfully. THE NARRATOR There’s nothing against dating a zombie. Okay, morally it’s wrong. Biologically too. But think about it. With zombies, outside appearances doesn’t matter to them, it’s what inside you that counts. The Narrator smiles. FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS. THE END.
