A Borderline Case - Daphne Du Maurier

DaphneDuMaurier-ABorderlineCase

Hehadbeenasleepforabouttenminutes.Certainlynolonger.Shelagh Hehadbeenasleepforabouttenminutes.Cert ainlynolonger.Shelaghh h adbroughtupsomeoftheoldphotographalbum adbroughtupsomeof theoldphotographalbumsfromthestudytoamuse sfromthestudytoamuseherfath herfath er,andtheyhadbeenlaughingandgoingthrou er,andtheyhadbeen laughingandgoingthroughthemtogether.Heseem ghthemtogether.Heseemedsomuc edsomuc hbetter.Thenursehadfeltfreetogooffdu hbetter.Thenurseha dfeltfreetogooffdutyfortheafternoonand tyfortheafternoonandtakeawa takeawa lk,leavingherpatientinthecareofhisdau lk,leavingherpatien tinthecareofhisdaughter,whileMrsMoneyhe ghter,whileMrsMoneyherselfhad rselfhad slippedoffinthecartothevillagetohave slippedoffintheca rtothevillagetohaveherhairdone.Thedocto herhairdone.Thedoctorhadrea rhadrea ssuredthemallthatthecrisiswaspast;itw ssuredthemallthatt hecrisiswaspast;itwasjustamatterofrest asjustamatterofrestandquiet andquiet ,andtakingthingseasy. Shelaghwasstandingbythewindowlookingdow Shelaghwasstandingb ythewindowlookingdownintothegarden.Shewo nintothegarden.Shewou u ldremainathome,ofcourse,aslongasherf ldremainathome,of course,aslongasherfatherwantedher-indeed, atherwantedher-indeed,shecould shecould notbeartoleavehimiftherewasanydoubt notbeartoleavehim iftherewasanydoubtabouthiscondition.Itw abouthiscondition.Itwasonlyt asonlyt hat,ifsheturneddowntheoffertheTheatre hat,ifsheturneddow ntheoffertheTheatreGrouphadmadetoherof Grouphadmadetoherofplayingt playingt heleadintheirforthcomingseriesofShakesp heleadintheirforth comingseriesofShakespeareplays,thechancemi eareplays,thechancemightnotc ghtnotc omeherwayagain.Rosalind...Portia...Vio omeherwayagain.Ros alind...Portia...Viola-Violasurelythegreat la-Violasurelythegreatestfuno estfuno fall.Theyearningheartconcealedbeneatha fall.Theyearninghe artconcealedbeneathacloakofdissimulation,t cloakofdissimulation,thewhole hewhole businessofdeceptionwhettingappetite. Unconsciouslyshesmiled,pushingherhairbeh Unconsciouslyshesmil ed,pushingherhairbehindherears,tiltingher indherears,tiltingher head,onehandonherhip,apingCesario,and head,onehandonher hip,apingCesario,andsheheardasuddenmoveme sheheardasuddenmovementfromt ntfromt hebedandsawherfatherstrugglingtositup hebedandsawherfat herstrugglingtositupright.Hewasstaringat right.Hewasstaringather,ane her,ane xpressionofhorroranddisbeliefuponhisfac xpressionofhorroran ddisbeliefuponhisface,andhecriedout,'Oh e,andhecriedout,'Ohno...Oh no...Oh ,Jinnie...OhmyGod!',andassherantohi ,Jinnie...OhmyGod !',andassherantohisside,sayingtohim,'W sside,sayingtohim,'Whatisit hatisit ,darling,what'swrong?'hetriedtowaveher ,darling,what'swron g?'hetriedtowaveheraside,shakinghishead, aside,shakinghishead,andthen andthen hecollapsedbackwardsonhispillows,andsh hecollapsedbackward sonhispillows,andsheknewthathewasdead. eknewthathewasdead. Sheranoutoftheroom,callingforthenurse Sheranoutoftheroo m,callingforthenurse,thenrememberedthatsh ,thenrememberedthatshe e hadgoneforawalk.Shecouldhavegoneacro hadgoneforawalk. Shecouldhavegoneacrossthefields,anywhere. ssthefields,anywhere.Shelaghr Shelaghr usheddownstairstofindhermother,buttheh usheddownstairstofi ndhermother,butthehousewasempty,andtheg ousewasempty,andthegaragedoo aragedoo rswerewideopen-hermothermusthavegoneso rswerewideopen-her mothermusthavegonesomewhereinthecar.Why? mewhereinthecar.Why?Whatfor? Whatfor? Shehadneversaidshewasgoingout.Shelagh Shehadneversaidsh ewasgoingout.Shelaghseizedthetelephonein seizedthetelephoneinthehall thehall withshakinghandsanddialledthedoctor'snu withshakinghandsand dialledthedoctor'snumber,butwhentheanswer mber,butwhentheansweringclick ingclick cameitwasnotthedoctorhimselfbuthisre cameitwasnotthed octorhimselfbuthisrecordedvoice,toneless,a cordedvoice,toneless,automatic, utomatic, saying,'ThisisDoctorDrayspeaking.Ishal saying,'ThisisDoct orDrayspeaking.Ishallnotbeavailableuntil lnotbeavailableuntilfiveo'cl fiveo'cl ock.Yourmessagewillberecorded.Pleasesta ock.Yourmessagewill berecorded.Pleasestartnow...',andtherewa rtnow...',andtherewasaticki saticki ngsound,justaswhenonerangtoknowtheti ngsound,justaswhen onerangtoknowthetimeandthevoicesaid,'A meandthevoicesaid,'Atthethi tthethi rdstrokeitwillbetwo,forty-two,andtwentyseconds...' Shelaghflungdownthereceiverandbegantos Shelaghflungdownthe receiverandbegantosearchthetelephonedirec earchthetelephonedirect t oryfeverishlyforthenumberofDoctorDray's oryfeverishlyforthe numberofDoctorDray'spartner,ayoungmanlat partner,ayoungmanlatelyjoine elyjoine dthepractice-shedidnotknowhim-andthist dthepractice-shedid notknowhim-andthistimealivevoiceanswered imealivevoiceanswered,awoman ,awoman .Therewasthesoundofachildcryinginthe .Therewasthesound ofachildcryinginthedistanceandaradiobla distanceandaradioblaring,and ring,and sheheardthewomanshoutimpatientlyatthe sheheardthewomans houtimpatientlyatthechildtobequiet. childtobequiet. 'ThisisShelaghMoneyspeaking,ofWhitegates 'ThisisShelaghMoney speaking,ofWhitegates,GreatMarsden.Pleasea ,GreatMarsden.Pleaseas s kthedoctortocomeatonce,Ithinkmyfathe kthedoctortocomea tonce,Ithinkmyfatherhasjustdied.Thenurs rhasjustdied.Thenurseisout eisout andI'maloneinthehouse.Ican'tgetDoctorDray.' Sheheardherownvoicebreak,andthewoman's Sheheardherownvoic ebreak,andthewoman'sreply,swift,sympatheti reply,swift,sympathetic c ,'I'llcontactmyhusbandimmediately',made ,'I'llcontactmyhus bandimmediately',madefurtherexplanationimpos furtherexplanationimpossible.Sh sible.Sh ecouldn'tspeak,butturnedawayblindlyfrom ecouldn'tspeak,but turnedawayblindlyfromthetelephoneandranup thetelephoneandranupthestai thestai rsagainintothebedroom.Hewaslyingasshe rsagainintothebedr oom.Hewaslyingasshehadlefthim,theexpres hadlefthim,theexpressionofh sionofh orrorstillonhisface,andshewentandknel orrorstillonhisfac e,andshewentandkneltbesidehimandkissedh tbesidehimandkissedhishand, ishand, thetearspouringdownhercheeks.'Why?'she thetearspouringdown hercheeks.'Why?'sheaskedherself.'Whathapp askedherself.'Whathappened?Wha ened?Wha tdidIdo?'Becausewhenhecriedout,using tdidIdo?'Becausew henhecriedout,usingherpetnameJinnie,itw herpetnameJinnie,itwasnotas asnotas ifhehadbeenseizedwithsuddenpainonwak ifhehadbeenseized withsuddenpainonwakingfromsleep.Itdidno ingfromsleep.Itdidnotseemli tseemli kethatatall,butmoreasthoughhiscrywas kethatatall,butmo reasthoughhiscrywasoneofaccusation,that oneofaccusation,thatshehadd shehadd onesomethingsoappallingthatitsuspendeda onesomethingsoappal lingthatitsuspendedallbelief.'Ohno...Oh, llbelief.'Ohno...Oh,Jinnie. Jinnie. ..OhmyGod...!'Thentryingtowardheroff ..OhmyGod...!'The ntryingtowardheroffassherantohisside, assherantohisside,anddying anddying instantly. Ican'tbearit,Ican'tbearit,shethought, Ican'tbearit,Ican 'tbearit,shethought,whatdidIdo?Shegotu whatdidIdo?Shegotup p ,stillblindedbytears,andwentandstoodb ,stillblindedbytea rs,andwentandstoodbytheopenwindowandloo ytheopenwindowandlookedback kedback overhershouldertothebed,butitwasnolo overhershouldertot hebed,butitwasnolongerthesame.Hewasnot ngerthesame.Hewasnotstaring staring

atheranymore.Hewasstill.Hehadgone.Themomentoftruthhadvan atheranymore.Hewasstill.Hehadgone.Th emomentoftruthhadvanishedfor ishedfor ever,andshewouldneverknow.Whathadhapp ever,andshewouldn everknow.WhathadhappenedwasThen,wasalread enedwasThen,wasalreadypast,i ypast,i nsomeotherdimensionoftime,andthepresen nsomeotherdimension oftime,andthepresentwasNow,partofafutu twasNow,partofafuturehecou rehecou ldnotshare.Thispresent,thisfuture,wasa ldnotshare.Thispre sent,thisfuture,wasallblanktohim,likethe llblanktohim,liketheemptysp emptysp acesinthephotographalbumbesidethebed,w acesinthephotograph albumbesidethebed,waitingtobefilled.Even aitingtobefilled.Even,shetho ,shetho ught,ifhehadreadmymind,whichheoftend ught,ifhehadreadm ymind,whichheoftendid,hewouldnothavecar id,hewouldnothavecared.Hekn ed.Hekn ewIwantedtoplaythosepartswiththeTheat ewIwantedtoplayth osepartswiththeTheatreGroup,heencouragedm reGroup,heencouragedme,hewas e,hewas delighted.ItwasnotasthoughIwereplanni delighted.Itwasnot asthoughIwereplanningtogooffatanymomen ngtogooffatanymomentandlea tandlea vehim....Whytheexpressionofhorror,ofdi vehim....Whytheexp ressionofhorror,ofdisbelief?Why?Why? sbelief?Why?Why? Shestaredoutofthewindow,andthecarpeto Shestaredoutofthe window,andthecarpetofautumnleavesscattered fautumnleavesscattered hereandthereonthelawnwassuddenlyblown hereandthereonthe lawnwassuddenlyblowninagustofwindupinto inagustofwindupintotheair theair likebirdsandtossedinalldirections,only likebirdsandtossed inalldirections,onlytodriftapart,andtumbl todriftapart,andtumble,andfa e,andfa ll.Theleavesthathadoncebuddedtightand ll.Theleavesthatha doncebuddedtightandcloseupontheparenttre closeupontheparenttree,togli e,togli stenthickandgreenthroughoutthesummer,ha stenthickandgreent hroughoutthesummer,hadnomorelife.Thetree dnomorelife.Thetreedisowned disowned them,andtheyhadbecomethesportofanyidl them,andtheyhadbec omethesportofanyidlewindthatchancedtobl ewindthatchancedtoblow.Even ow.Even theburnishedgoldwasreflectedsunlight,los theburnishedgoldwas reflectedsunlight,lostwhenthesunhadset,s twhenthesunhadset,sothatin othatin shadowtheybecamecrinkled,barren,dry. Shelaghheardthesoundofacarcomingdownt Shelaghheardthesoun dofacarcomingdownthedrive,andshewentou hedrive,andshewentout t oftheroomandstoodatthetopofthestair oftheroomandstood atthetopofthestairs.Itwasnotthedoctor, s.Itwasnotthedoctor,though, though, itwashermother.Shecamethroughthefront itwashermother.She camethroughthefrontdoortothehall,peeling doortothehall,peelingoffher offher gloves,herhairbunchedhighonherhead,gle gloves,herhairbunch edhighonherhead,gleamingandcrispfromthe amingandcrispfromthedrier.Un drier.Un consciousofherdaughter'seyesshehovereda consciousofherdaugh ter'seyesshehoveredamomentbeforethemirror momentbeforethemirror,patting ,patting astraycurlintoplace.Thenshetookherli astraycurlintopla ce.Thenshetookherlipstickfromherbagandm pstickfromherbagandmadeuphe adeuphe rmouth.Adoorbanginginthedirectionofth rmouth.Adoorbangin ginthedirectionofthekitchenmadeherturnh ekitchenmadeherturnherhead. erhead. 'Thatyou,Nurse?'shecalled.'Howabouttea? 'Thatyou,Nurse?'she called.'Howabouttea?Wecanallhaveitupsta Wecanallhaveitupstai i rs.' Shelookedbackintothemirror,cockingherh Shelookedbackintot hemirror,cockingherhead,thendab-bedoffth ead,thendab-bedoffthe e surpluslipstickwithatissue. Thenurseappearedfromthekitchen.Shelooke Thenurseappearedfro mthekitchen.Shelookeddifferentoutofunifor ddifferentoutofuniform m .ShehadborrowedShelagh'sdufflecoatforh .ShehadborrowedShe lagh'sdufflecoatforherwalk,andherhair,us erwalk,andherhair,usuallyso uallyso trim,wasdishevelled. 'Suchalovelyafternoon,'shesaid.I'vebeen 'Suchalovelyafterno on,'shesaid.I'vebeenforquiteatrampacross forquiteatrampacross thefields.Itwassorefreshing.Blownallth thefields.Itwasso refreshing.Blownallthecobwebsaway.Yes,let' ecobwebsaway.Yes,let'shavete shavete a,byallmeans.How'smypatient?' Theyarelivinginthepast,Shelaghthought, Theyarelivinginthe past,Shelaghthought,inamomentoftimethat inamomentoftimethatd d oesnotexistanymore.Thenursewouldnever oesnotexistanymore .Thenursewouldnevereatthebutteredsconess eatthebutteredsconesshehadan hehadan ticipated,glowingfromherwalk,andhermoth ticipated,glowingfro mherwalk,andhermother,whensheglancedinto er,whensheglancedintothemirr themirr orlater,wouldseeanolder,morehaggardfac orlater,wouldseean older,morehaggardfacebeneaththepiled-upco ebeneaththepiled-upcoiffure.I iffure.I twasasifgrief,comingsounexpectedly,had twasasifgrief,com ingsounexpectedly,hadsharpenedintuition,and sharpenedintuition,andshecoul shecoul dseethenursealreadyinstalledbythebedsi dseethenursealread yinstalledbythebedsideofhernextpatient,s deofhernextpatient,somequeru omequeru lousinvalid,unlikeherfather,whoteasedan lousinvalid,unlikeh erfather,whoteasedandmadejokes,whileherm dmadejokes,whilehermother,dr other,dr essedsuitablyinblackandwhite(blackalone essedsuitablyinblac kandwhite(blackaloneshewouldconsidertoos shewouldconsidertoosevere),r evere),r epliedtothelettersofcondolence,thosefro epliedtotheletters ofcondolence,thosefromthemoreimportantpeop mthemoreimportantpeoplefirst. lefirst. Thentheybothbecameawareofher,standinga Thentheybothbecame awareofher,standingatthetopofthestairs. tthetopofthestairs. 'He'sdead,'Shelaghsaid. Theirupturnedfacesstaredatherindisbelie Theirupturnedfacess taredatherindisbelief,ashishaddone,butw f,ashishaddone,butwi i thoutthehorror,withouttheaccusation,and thoutthehorror,with outtheaccusation,andasthenurse,recovering asthenurse,recoveringfirst,br first,br ushedpastherupthestairs,shesawhermoth ushedpastherupthe stairs,shesawhermother'scarefullypreserved er'scarefullypreservedandstill andstill lovelyfacedisintegrate,crumple,likeaplasticmask. Youmustnotblameyourself.Therewasnothing Youmustnotblameyou rself.Therewasnothingyoucouldhavedone.It youcouldhavedone.Itw w asboundtohappen,soonerorlater....Yes,t asboundtohappen,so onerorlater....Yes,thoughtShelagh,butwhyn houghtShelagh,butwhynotlater otlater ratherthansooner,becausewhenone'sfather ratherthansooner,be causewhenone'sfatherdiesthereissomuchtha diesthereissomuchthathasbee thasbee nleftunsaid.HadIknown,thatlasthoursit nleftunsaid.HadIk nown,thatlasthoursittingthere,talkingandl tingthere,talkingandlaughinga aughinga bouttrivialthings,thattherewasaclotfor bouttrivialthings,t hattherewasaclotforminglikeatime-bombclo minglikeatime-bombclosetohis setohis heart,readytoexplode,Iwouldsurelyhave heart,readytoexplo de,Iwouldsurelyhavebehaveddifferently,held behaveddifferently,heldontohi ontohi m,atleastthankedhimforallmynineteenye m,atleastthankedhi mforallmynineteenyearsofhappinessandlove arsofhappinessandlove.Notfli .Notfli ppedoverthephotographsinthealbum,mockin ppedoverthephotogra phsinthealbum,mockingbygonefashions,norya gbygonefashions,noryawnedhalf wnedhalf waythrough,sothat,sensingboredom,helet waythrough,sothat, sensingboredom,heletthealbumdroptotheflo thealbumdroptothefloorandmu orandmu rmured,'Don'tbotheraboutme,pet,I'llhaveakip.' It'salwaysthesamewhenyoucomefacetofac It'salwaysthesamew henyoucomefacetofacewithdeath,thenurset ewithdeath,thenurseto o

atheranymore.Hewasstill.Hehadgone.Themomentoftruthhadvan atheranymore.Hewasstill.Hehadgone.Th emomentoftruthhadvanishedfor ishedfor ever,andshewouldneverknow.Whathadhapp ever,andshewouldn everknow.WhathadhappenedwasThen,wasalread enedwasThen,wasalreadypast,i ypast,i nsomeotherdimensionoftime,andthepresen nsomeotherdimension oftime,andthepresentwasNow,partofafutu twasNow,partofafuturehecou rehecou ldnotshare.Thispresent,thisfuture,wasa ldnotshare.Thispre sent,thisfuture,wasallblanktohim,likethe llblanktohim,liketheemptysp emptysp acesinthephotographalbumbesidethebed,w acesinthephotograph albumbesidethebed,waitingtobefilled.Even aitingtobefilled.Even,shetho ,shetho ught,ifhehadreadmymind,whichheoftend ught,ifhehadreadm ymind,whichheoftendid,hewouldnothavecar id,hewouldnothavecared.Hekn ed.Hekn ewIwantedtoplaythosepartswiththeTheat ewIwantedtoplayth osepartswiththeTheatreGroup,heencouragedm reGroup,heencouragedme,hewas e,hewas delighted.ItwasnotasthoughIwereplanni delighted.Itwasnot asthoughIwereplanningtogooffatanymomen ngtogooffatanymomentandlea tandlea vehim....Whytheexpressionofhorror,ofdi vehim....Whytheexp ressionofhorror,ofdisbelief?Why?Why? sbelief?Why?Why? Shestaredoutofthewindow,andthecarpeto Shestaredoutofthe window,andthecarpetofautumnleavesscattered fautumnleavesscattered hereandthereonthelawnwassuddenlyblown hereandthereonthe lawnwassuddenlyblowninagustofwindupinto inagustofwindupintotheair theair likebirdsandtossedinalldirections,only likebirdsandtossed inalldirections,onlytodriftapart,andtumbl todriftapart,andtumble,andfa e,andfa ll.Theleavesthathadoncebuddedtightand ll.Theleavesthatha doncebuddedtightandcloseupontheparenttre closeupontheparenttree,togli e,togli stenthickandgreenthroughoutthesummer,ha stenthickandgreent hroughoutthesummer,hadnomorelife.Thetree dnomorelife.Thetreedisowned disowned them,andtheyhadbecomethesportofanyidl them,andtheyhadbec omethesportofanyidlewindthatchancedtobl ewindthatchancedtoblow.Even ow.Even theburnishedgoldwasreflectedsunlight,los theburnishedgoldwas reflectedsunlight,lostwhenthesunhadset,s twhenthesunhadset,sothatin othatin shadowtheybecamecrinkled,barren,dry. Shelaghheardthesoundofacarcomingdownt Shelaghheardthesoun dofacarcomingdownthedrive,andshewentou hedrive,andshewentout t oftheroomandstoodatthetopofthestair oftheroomandstood atthetopofthestairs.Itwasnotthedoctor, s.Itwasnotthedoctor,though, though, itwashermother.Shecamethroughthefront itwashermother.She camethroughthefrontdoortothehall,peeling doortothehall,peelingoffher offher gloves,herhairbunchedhighonherhead,gle gloves,herhairbunch edhighonherhead,gleamingandcrispfromthe amingandcrispfromthedrier.Un drier.Un consciousofherdaughter'seyesshehovereda consciousofherdaugh ter'seyesshehoveredamomentbeforethemirror momentbeforethemirror,patting ,patting astraycurlintoplace.Thenshetookherli astraycurlintopla ce.Thenshetookherlipstickfromherbagandm pstickfromherbagandmadeuphe adeuphe rmouth.Adoorbanginginthedirectionofth rmouth.Adoorbangin ginthedirectionofthekitchenmadeherturnh ekitchenmadeherturnherhead. erhead. 'Thatyou,Nurse?'shecalled.'Howabouttea? 'Thatyou,Nurse?'she called.'Howabouttea?Wecanallhaveitupsta Wecanallhaveitupstai i rs.' Shelookedbackintothemirror,cockingherh Shelookedbackintot hemirror,cockingherhead,thendab-bedoffth ead,thendab-bedoffthe e surpluslipstickwithatissue. Thenurseappearedfromthekitchen.Shelooke Thenurseappearedfro mthekitchen.Shelookeddifferentoutofunifor ddifferentoutofuniform m .ShehadborrowedShelagh'sdufflecoatforh .ShehadborrowedShe lagh'sdufflecoatforherwalk,andherhair,us erwalk,andherhair,usuallyso uallyso trim,wasdishevelled. 'Suchalovelyafternoon,'shesaid.I'vebeen 'Suchalovelyafterno on,'shesaid.I'vebeenforquiteatrampacross forquiteatrampacross thefields.Itwassorefreshing.Blownallth thefields.Itwasso refreshing.Blownallthecobwebsaway.Yes,let' ecobwebsaway.Yes,let'shavete shavete a,byallmeans.How'smypatient?' Theyarelivinginthepast,Shelaghthought, Theyarelivinginthe past,Shelaghthought,inamomentoftimethat inamomentoftimethatd d oesnotexistanymore.Thenursewouldnever oesnotexistanymore .Thenursewouldnevereatthebutteredsconess eatthebutteredsconesshehadan hehadan ticipated,glowingfromherwalk,andhermoth ticipated,glowingfro mherwalk,andhermother,whensheglancedinto er,whensheglancedintothemirr themirr orlater,wouldseeanolder,morehaggardfac orlater,wouldseean older,morehaggardfacebeneaththepiled-upco ebeneaththepiled-upcoiffure.I iffure.I twasasifgrief,comingsounexpectedly,had twasasifgrief,com ingsounexpectedly,hadsharpenedintuition,and sharpenedintuition,andshecoul shecoul dseethenursealreadyinstalledbythebedsi dseethenursealread yinstalledbythebedsideofhernextpatient,s deofhernextpatient,somequeru omequeru lousinvalid,unlikeherfather,whoteasedan lousinvalid,unlikeh erfather,whoteasedandmadejokes,whileherm dmadejokes,whilehermother,dr other,dr essedsuitablyinblackandwhite(blackalone essedsuitablyinblac kandwhite(blackaloneshewouldconsidertoos shewouldconsidertoosevere),r evere),r epliedtothelettersofcondolence,thosefro epliedtotheletters ofcondolence,thosefromthemoreimportantpeop mthemoreimportantpeoplefirst. lefirst. Thentheybothbecameawareofher,standinga Thentheybothbecame awareofher,standingatthetopofthestairs. tthetopofthestairs. 'He'sdead,'Shelaghsaid. Theirupturnedfacesstaredatherindisbelie Theirupturnedfacess taredatherindisbelief,ashishaddone,butw f,ashishaddone,butwi i thoutthehorror,withouttheaccusation,and thoutthehorror,with outtheaccusation,andasthenurse,recovering asthenurse,recoveringfirst,br first,br ushedpastherupthestairs,shesawhermoth ushedpastherupthe stairs,shesawhermother'scarefullypreserved er'scarefullypreservedandstill andstill lovelyfacedisintegrate,crumple,likeaplasticmask. Youmustnotblameyourself.Therewasnothing Youmustnotblameyou rself.Therewasnothingyoucouldhavedone.It youcouldhavedone.Itw w asboundtohappen,soonerorlater....Yes,t asboundtohappen,so onerorlater....Yes,thoughtShelagh,butwhyn houghtShelagh,butwhynotlater otlater ratherthansooner,becausewhenone'sfather ratherthansooner,be causewhenone'sfatherdiesthereissomuchtha diesthereissomuchthathasbee thasbee nleftunsaid.HadIknown,thatlasthoursit nleftunsaid.HadIk nown,thatlasthoursittingthere,talkingandl tingthere,talkingandlaughinga aughinga bouttrivialthings,thattherewasaclotfor bouttrivialthings,t hattherewasaclotforminglikeatime-bombclo minglikeatime-bombclosetohis setohis heart,readytoexplode,Iwouldsurelyhave heart,readytoexplo de,Iwouldsurelyhavebehaveddifferently,held behaveddifferently,heldontohi ontohi m,atleastthankedhimforallmynineteenye m,atleastthankedhi mforallmynineteenyearsofhappinessandlove arsofhappinessandlove.Notfli .Notfli ppedoverthephotographsinthealbum,mockin ppedoverthephotogra phsinthealbum,mockingbygonefashions,norya gbygonefashions,noryawnedhalf wnedhalf waythrough,sothat,sensingboredom,helet waythrough,sothat, sensingboredom,heletthealbumdroptotheflo thealbumdroptothefloorandmu orandmu rmured,'Don'tbotheraboutme,pet,I'llhaveakip.' It'salwaysthesamewhenyoucomefacetofac It'salwaysthesamew henyoucomefacetofacewithdeath,thenurset ewithdeath,thenurseto o

ldher,youfeelyoucouldhavedonemore.Itusedtoworrymealotwh ldher,youfeelyoucouldhavedonemore.It usedtoworrymealotwhenIwas enIwas training.Andofcoursewithacloserelative training.Andofcours ewithacloserelativeit'sworse.You'vehada it'sworse.You'vehadagreatsho greatsho ck,youmusttryandpullyourselftogetherfo ck,youmusttryandp ullyourselftogetherforyourmother'ssake.... ryourmother'ssake....Mymother Mymother 'ssake?MymotherwouldnotmindifIwalked 'ssake?Mymotherwou ldnotmindifIwalkedoutofthehousethismom outofthehousethismoment,Shel ent,Shel aghwasonthepointofsaying,becausethens aghwasonthepointo fsaying,becausethenshewouldhavealltheatt hewouldhavealltheattention,a ention,a llthesympathy,peoplewouldsayhowwonderfu llthesympathy,peopl ewouldsayhowwonderfullyshewasbearingup,w llyshewasbearingup,whereaswi hereaswi thmeinthehousesympathywillbedivided.E thmeinthehousesym pathywillbedivided.EvenDoctorDray,whenhe venDoctorDray,whenhefinallya finallya rrivedinthewakeofhispartner,pattedher rrivedinthewakeof hispartner,pattedherontheshoulderbeforehe ontheshoulderbeforehermother rmother andsaid,'Hewasveryproudofyou,mydear, andsaid,'Hewasvery proudofyou,mydear,hewasalwaystellingme hewasalwaystellingmeso.'Sod so.'Sod eath,Shelaghdecided,wasamomentforcompli eath,Shelaghdecided, wasamomentforcompliments,foreveryonesayin ments,foreveryonesayingpolite gpolite thingsabouteverybodyelsewhichtheywouldn thingsabouteverybody elsewhichtheywouldnotdreamofsayingatano otdreamofsayingatanothertime thertime .Letmerunupstairsforyou...Letmeanswe .Letmerunupstairs foryou...Letmeanswerthetelephone...Shall rthetelephone...ShallIputon Iputon thekettle?Anexcessofcourtesy,likemanda thekettle?Anexcess ofcourtesy,likemandarinsinkimonosbowing,a rinsinkimonosbowing,andatthe ndatthe sametimeanattemptatself-justificationfo sametimeanattempt atself-justificationfornothavingbeentherew rnothavingbeentherewhenthee henthee xplosionhappened. Thenurse(tothedoctor'spartner):'Iwould Thenurse(tothedoct or'spartner):'Iwouldneverhavegoneforawal neverhavegoneforawalk k ifIhadn'tbeenquitesurehewascomfortabl ifIhadn'tbeenquit esurehewascomfortable.AndIbelievedthatbo e.AndIbelievedthatbothMrsMo thMrsMo neyandherdaughterwereinthehouse.Yes,I neyandherdaughterw ereinthehouse.Yes,Ihadgivenhimthetablet hadgivenhimthetablets...'et s...'et c.,etc. Sheisinthewitness-box,ontrial,thoughtS Sheisinthewitnessbox,ontrial,thoughtShelagh,butsoareweall helagh,butsoareweall. . Hermother(alsotothedoctor'spartner):'It Hermother(alsototh edoctor'spartner):'Ithadentirelyslippedmy hadentirelyslippedmym m emorythatNursewasgoingout.Therehasbeen emorythatNursewasg oingout.Therehasbeensomuchtothinkof,so somuchtothinkof,somuchanxi muchanxi ety,andIthoughtitwouldrelaxmetopaya ety,andIthoughtit wouldrelaxmetopayaquickvisittothehairdr quickvisittothehairdresser,an esser,an dhehadseemedsomuchbetter,reallyhisold dhehadseemedsomuc hbetter,reallyhisoldself.Iwouldneverhave self.Iwouldneverhavedreamto dreamto fleavingthehouse,leavinghisroom,ifIha fleavingthehouse,l eavinghisroom,ifIhadthoughtforonemoment dthoughtforonemoment...' ...' 'Isn'tthatthetrouble?'Shelaghburstin.'W 'Isn'tthatthetroubl e?'Shelaghburstin.'Weneverdothink,anyof eneverdothink,anyofu u s.Youdidn't,Nursedidn't,DoctorDraydidn' s.Youdidn't,Nursed idn't,DoctorDraydidn't,andaboveallIdidn't t,andaboveallIdidn't,because ,because I'mtheonlyonewhosawwhathappened,andI I'mtheonlyonewho sawwhathappened,andIshallneverforgetthel shallneverforgetthelookonhi ookonhi sfaceaslongasIlive.' Shestormedalongthepassagetoherownroom, Shestormedalongthe passagetoherownroom,sobbinghystericallyin sobbinghystericallyina a wayshehadnotdoneforyears-thelasttime wayshehadnotdone foryears-thelasttimewaswhenthepost-vansma waswhenthepost-vansmashedinto shedinto herfirstcarwhenitwasparkedintheentra herfirstcarwhenit wasparkedintheentrancedrive,allthattwist ncedrive,allthattwistedmetal, edmetal, thelovelyplaythingruined.Thatwillteach thelovelyplaything ruined.Thatwillteachthemalesson,shetoldh themalesson,shetoldherself,t erself,t hatwillshakethemoutofthisbusinessoftr hatwillshakethemou tofthisbusinessoftryingtobehavesowell,o yingtobehavesowell,ofbeingn fbeingn obleinthefaceofdeath,ofmakingoutthat obleinthefaceofde ath,ofmakingoutthatit'samercifulreleasea it'samercifulreleaseandeveryt ndeveryt hingisreallyforthebest.Noneofthemreal hingisreallyforthe best.Noneofthemreallyminding,caring,that lyminding,caring,thatsomeoneh someoneh asgoneforever.Butforever... Laterthatevening,everyonegonetobed,deat Laterthatevening,ev eryonegonetobed,deathbeingsoexhaustingto hbeingsoexhaustingtoa a llbutthedeparted,Shelaghcreptalongthel llbutthedeparted,S helaghcreptalongthelandingtoherfather'sro andingtoherfather'sroomandfo omandfo undthephotographalbum,tactfullytidiedawa undthephotographalb um,tactfullytidiedawayonacornertablebyth yonacornertablebythenurse, enurse, andcarrieditbackwithhertoherownbedroo andcarrieditbackwi thhertoherownbedroom.Earlier,duringtheaf m.Earlier,duringtheafternoon, ternoon, thephotographshadbeenwithoutsignificance, thephotographshadbe enwithoutsignificance,familiarasoldChristma familiarasoldChristmascardsh scardsh oardedinadrawer,butnowtheywereakindo oardedinadrawer,bu tnowtheywereakindofobituary,likestillsf fobituary,likestillsflashedin lashedin tributeonatelevisionscreen. Thebefrilledbabyonarug,mouthagape,his Thebefrilledbabyon arug,mouthagape,hisparentsplayingcroquet. parentsplayingcroquet.A A nuncle,killedinthefirstworldwar.Herfa nuncle,killedinthe firstworldwar.Herfatheragain,nolongerab theragain,nolongerababyona abyona rugbutinbreeches,holdingacricket-battoo rugbutinbreeches,h oldingacricket-battoobigforhim.Homesofgr bigforhim.Homesofgrandparent andparent slongdead.Childrenonbeaches.Picnicsonm slongdead.Children onbeaches.Picnicsonmoors.ThenDartmouth,pho oors.ThenDartmouth,photographs tographs ofships.Rowsoflined-upboys,youths,men. ofships.Rowsofline d-upboys,youths,men.Asachildithadbeenhe Asachildithadbeenherpridet rpridet opointtohimatonce.'Thereyouare,that's opointtohimatonce .'Thereyouare,that'syou',thesmallestboya you',thesmallestboyattheend ttheend oftheline,theninthenextphotographslim oftheline,thenin thenextphotographslimmerandstandinginthes merandstandinginthesecondrow econdrow ,thengrowingquitetallandsuddenlyhandsom ,thengrowingquitet allandsuddenlyhandsome,achildnolonger,and e,achildnolonger,andshewoul shewoul dturnthepagesrapidlybecausethephotograp dturnthepagesrapid lybecausethephotographswouldbeofplaces,no hswouldbeofplaces,notofpeop tofpeop le-Malta,Alexandria,Portsmouth,Greenwich.D le-Malta,Alexandria, Portsmouth,Greenwich.Dogsthathadbeenhiswhi ogsthathadbeenhiswhichsheha chsheha dnotknown.'There'sdearoldPunch...'(Pun dnotknown.'There's dearoldPunch...'(Punch,heusedtotellher, ch,heusedtotellher,alwayskn alwayskn ewwhenhisshipwasduehome,andwaitedata ewwhenhisshipwasd uehome,andwaitedatanupstairswindow.)Naval nupstairswindow.)Navalofficers officers ridingdonkeys...playingtennis...running ridingdonkeys...pl ayingtennis...runningraces,allthisbeforet races,allthisbeforethewar,a hewar,a ndithadmadeherthink,'unconsciousofthei ndithadmadeherthi nk,'unconsciousoftheirdoom,thelittlevictim rdoom,thelittlevictimsplay', splay', becauseonthenextpageitbecamesuddenlysa becauseonthenextpa geitbecamesuddenlysad,theshiphehadloved d,theshiphehadlovedblownup, blownup, andsomanyofthoselaughingyoungmenlost. andsomanyofthose laughingyoungmenlost.'PooroldMonkeyWhite, 'PooroldMonkeyWhite,hewould hewould

havebeenanadmiralhadhelived.'ShetriedtoimaginethegrinningfaceofMo nkeyWhiteinthephototurnedintoanadmiral,bald-headed,perhaps,stout,and somethinginsideherwasgladthathehaddied,althoughherfathersaidhewas alosstotheService.Moreofficers,moreships,andthegreatdaywhenMountb attenvisitedtheship,herfatherincommand,meetinghimashewaspipedaboar d.ThecourtyardatBuckinghamPalace.Standingratherself-consciouslybeforet hepressphotographer,displayingmedals. 'Notlongnowbeforewecometoyou,'herfatherusedtosayasheturne dthepagetothefull-blownandnever-to-him-admittedrathersillyphotographo fhermotherineveningdresswhichhesomuchadmired,wearinghersoulfullook thatShelaghknewwell.Itembarrassedher,asachild,tothinkthatherfathe rhadfalleninlove,or,ifmenmustlove,thenitshouldhavebeensomeoneels e,someonedark,mysteriousandprofoundlyclever,notanordinarypersonwhowa simpatientfornoreasonandcrosswhenonewaslateforlunch. Thenavalwedding,hermothersmilingintriumphShelaghknewthatlook too,sheworeitwhenshegotherwayaboutanything,whichshegenerallydid-an dherfather'ssmile,sodifferent,nottriumphant,merelyhappy.Thefrumpishb ridesmaidswearingdressesthatmadethemfatterthantheywere-shemusthavech osenthemonpurposenottobeoutdone-andthebestman,herfather'sfriendNic k,notnearlysogood-lookingasherfather.Hewasbetterinoneoftheearlier groupsontheship,butherehelookedsupercilious,bored. Thehoneymoon,thefirsthouse,andthenherownappearance,thechildho odphotographsthatwerepartofherlife;onherfather'sknee,onhisshoulder s,andrightthroughchildhoodandadolescenceuntillastChristmas.Itcouldbe myobituarytoo,shethought,we'vesharedthisbooktogether,anditendswith hissnapshotofmestandinginthesnowandmineofhim,smilingatmethrough thestudywindow. Inamomentshewouldcryagain,whichwasself-pity;ifshecrieditmu stnotbeforherselfbutforhim.Whenwasit,thatafternoon,thathehadsens edherboredomandpushedthealbumaside?Itwaswhiletheywerediscussinghob bies.Hehadtoldhershewasphysicallylazy,didn'ttakeenoughexercise. 'IgetalltheexerciseIneedinthetheatre,'shesaid,'pretendingto beotherpeople.' 'It'snotthesame,'hesaid.'Youshouldgetawayfrompeoplesometimes ,imaginaryandreal.Itellyouwhat.WhenI'mupandaboutagainandinthecl earwe'llgoovertoIrelandandfish,thethreeofus.ItwoulddoyourMumap owerofgood,andIhaven'tfishedforyears.' Ireland?Fish?Herinstinctwasselfish,oneofdismay.Itwouldinterfe rewithherTheatreGroupplans.Shemustjokehimoutofit. 'Mumwouldhateeveryminute,'shesaid.'Shewouldmuchrathergototh esouthofFrancetostaywithAuntBella.'(Bellawashermother'ssister.Had avillaatCapd'Ail.) 'Idaresay,'hesmiled,'butthatwouldn'tbemyideaofconvalescence. HaveyouforgottenI'mhalf-Irish?YourgrandfathercamefromCountyAntrim.' 'I'venotforgotten,'shesaid,'butgrandfather'sbeendeadforyears, andliesburiedinaSuffolkchurchyard.SomuchforyourIrishblood.Youhaven 'tanyfriendsoverthere,haveyou?' Hedidnotanswerimmediately,andthenhesaid,'There'spooroldNick. ' PooroldNick...PooroldMonkeyWhite...PooroldPunch...Shewasm omentarilyconfusedbetweenfriendsanddogsshehadneverknown. 'Doyoumeanyourbestmanatthewedding?'shefrowned.'SomehowIthou ghthewasdead.' 'Deadtotheworld,'hesaidshortly.'Hewasbadlysmashedupinacar crashsomeyearsago,andlostaneye.Livedlikearecluseeversince.' 'Howsad.IsthatwhyheneversendsyouaChristmascard?' 'Partly...PooroldNick.Gallantastheycome,butmadasahatter.A border-linecase.Icouldn'trecommendhimforpromotion,andI'mafraidhebore meagrudgeeverafterwards.' 'That'shardlysurprising,then.I'dfeelthesameifI'dbeensomebody'

sclosefriendandtheyturnedmedown.' Heshookhishead.'Friendshipanddutyaretwoseparatethings,'hesai d,'andIputdutyfirst.Youareanothergeneration,youwouldn'tunderstand.I wasrightinwhatIdid,I'msureofthat,butitwasn'tverypleasantatthet ime.Achipontheshouldercanturnamansour.I'dhatetothinkmyselfrespon sibleforwhathemayhavegotmixedupin.' 'Whatdoyoumean?'sheasked. 'Nevermind,'hesaid,'noneofyourbusiness.Anyway,it'soveranddon ewithlongago.ButIsometimeswish...' 'Whatdoyouwish,darling?' 'ThatIcouldshaketheoldboybythehandoncemoreandwishhimluck. ' Theyturnedoverafewmorepagesofthealbum,anditwassoonafterwar dsthatsheyawned,glancingidlyabouttheroom,andhesensedherboredomand saidhewouldhaveakip.Noonecoulddieofaheartattackbecausehisdaughte rwasbored....Butsupposinghehadhadanightmareinwhichshehadfigured?S upposinghehadthoughthimselfbackinthatsinkingshipduringthewar,withp ooroldMonkeyWhite,andNick,andallthosedrowningmen,andsomehowshehad beenwithhiminthewater?Everythingbecamejumbledupindreams,itwasakno wnthing.Andallthetimethatclotgettingbigger,likeanexcessofoilinth eworkingsofaclock.Atanymomentthehandswouldfalter,theclockstoptick ing. Somebodytappedatherbedroomdoor.'Yes?'shecalled. Itwasthenurse.Stillprofessional,despiteherdressing-gown.'Justw onderedifyouwereallright,'shewhispered.'Isawyourlightunderthedoor. ' 'Thanks.I'mO.K.' 'Yourmother'sfastasleep.Igaveherasedative.Shewasfussingabout tomorrowbeingSaturday,andthedifficultyofgettinganannouncementinTheT imesandTelegraphbeforeMonday.She'sbeingsoplucky.' WastherehiddenreproachinhervoicebecauseShelaghhadnotthoughto ftakingchargeofthesethingsherself?Surelytomorrowwouldhavedone?Aloud shesaid,'Cannightmareskill?' 'Whatdoyoumean,dear?' 'Couldmyfatherhavehadaterriblenightmareanddiedofshock?' Thenurseadvancedtothebedandstraightenedtheeiderdown.'Now,Ito ldyouearlier,andthedoctorssaidthesame,itwouldhavehappenedanyway.Yo ureallymustnotkeepongoingoveritinyourmind.Itdoesn'thelp.Letmege tyouasedativetoo.' 'Idon'twantasedative.' 'Youknow,dear,forgiveme,butyou'rebeingjustalittlebitchildish .Griefisnatural,buttoworryabouthiminthiswayisthelastthingyourfa therwouldhavewanted.It'sallovernow.He'satpeace.' 'Howdoyouknowhe'satpeace?'Shelaghexploded.'Howdoyouknowhe's nothoveringbesideusatthisminuteinanastralbodyabsolutelyfuriousthat he'sdead,andsayingtome,"Thatbloodynursegavemetoomanypills"?' Ohno,shethought,Ididn'tmeanthat,peoplearetoovulnerable,toon aked.Thepoorwoman,shakenoutofprofessionalcalm,saggedinherdressing-go wn,droopedbeforehereyes,andinatremulousvoicesaid,'Whataterriblyunk indthingtosay!YouknowIdidnosuchthing.' ImpulsivelyShelaghleaptoutofbedandputherarmsroundthenurse's shoulders. 'Forgiveme,'shepleaded,'ofcourseyoudidn't.Andhelikedyouvery much.Youwereawonderfulnursetohim.WhatImeantwas'-shesearchedinherm indforsomeexplanation-'whatImeantwasthatwedon'tknowwhathappenswhen apersondies.TheymightbewaitinginsomequeueatStPeter'sgatewithallt heotherpeoplewhohavediedthatday,orelsepushingintosomeawfulpurgator ialnight-clubwiththeoneswhoweredestinedforhell,orjustdriftinginak indoffoguntilthefogclearsandeverythingbecomesclear.Allright,Iwill haveasedative,youhaveonetoo,thenwe'llbothbefreshforthemorning.And

pleasedon'tthinkanymoreaboutwhatIsaid.' Thetroubleis,shethought,aftershehadtakenhersedativeandgoneb acktobed,wordsleaveawound,thewoundleavesascar.Thenursewillneverg iveoutpillstopatientsagainwithoutadoubtsomewhereatthebackofhermin dastowhethersheisdoingtherightthing.Likethequestion-markinherfath er'sconscienceaboutnotpassingpooroldNickforpromotionandsogivinghim hischipontheshoulder.itwasbadtodiewithsomethingonyourconscience.O neoughttohavesomewarning,sothatonecouldsendatelegramtoanyonewhom ighthavebeenwronged,saying,'Forgiveme',andthenthewrongwouldhecancel led,blottedout.Thiswaswhy,intheolddays,peopleflockedroundadyingpe rson'sbed,hoping,nottobeleftsomethinginthewill,butformutualforgive ness,acessationofill-feeling,asmoothingoutofrightandwrong.Infact,a sortoflove. Shelaghhadactedonimpulse.Sheknewshealwayswould.Itwaspartof hercharacter,andhadtobeacceptedbyfamilyandfriends.Itwasnotuntilsh ewasonherway,though,drivingnorthfromDublininthehiredcar,thatherj ourney,hastilyimprovised,tookonitsrealmeaning.Shewashereonamission, asacredtrust.Shewascarryingamessagefrombeyondthegrave.Itwasabsolu telysecret,though,andnoonemustknowaboutit,forshewassurethatifshe hadtoldanyonequestionswouldhavebeenasked,argumentsraised.So,afterth efuneral,completesilenceaboutherplans.Hermother,asShelaghguessedshe would,haddecidedtoflytoAuntBellaatCapd'Ail. 'IfeelImustgetrightaway,'shehadsaidtoherdaughter.'Youmayn otrealiseit,butDad'sillnesswasafearfulstrain.I'velosthalfastone.I feelthatallIwanttodoistoclosemyeyesandlieonBella'ssun-drenched balcony,andtrytoforgetthemiseryofthepastweeks.' Itwaslikeanadvertisementforsomeluxurysoap.Pamperyourself.Ana kedwomandeepinabathofbubblingfoam.Inpointoffact,thefirstshockove r,hermotherlookedbetteralready,andShelaghknewthatthesun-drenchedbalc onywouldsoonfillupwithAuntBella'sverymixedbunchoffriendssocialites, bogusartists,boringoldhomos,whatherfatherusedtocall'phoneyriff-raff ',buttheyamusedhermother.'Whataboutyou?Whydon'tyoucometoo?'-thesug gestionhalf-heartedbutneverthelessmade. Shelaghshookherhead.'Rehearsalsstartnextweek.Ithought,beforeg oingtoLondon,I'dpushoffaloneinthecarsomewhere.Nosortofplan.Justd rive.' 'Whynottakeafriend?' 'Anyonewouldgetonmynervesatthemoment.I'mbetteralone.' Nofurthercontactbetweenthemonanythingmorethanthepracticalleve l.Neithersaidtotheother,'Howunhappyareyoureally?Isthistheendofth eroadforme,foryou?Whatdoesthefuturehold?'Insteadtherewerediscussio nsaboutthegardenerandhiswifecomingtolivein,visitsfromlawyersleftu ntilafterhermotherreturnedfromCapd'Ail,letterstobeforwarded,etc.,et c....Withoutemotion,liketwosecretaries,theysatsidebysidereadingandr eplyingtothelettersofcondolence.YoutakeAtoK.I'lltakeLtoZ.Andmor eorlessthesamemessagetoeach:'Deeplytouched...Yoursympathysohelpful ...'ItwaslikesendingouttheChristmascardseveryDecember,butthewordin gwasdifferent. Lookingthroughherfather'soldaddressbook,shecameacrossthename Barry.CommanderNicolasBarry,D.S.O.,R.N.(Retd.),Ballyfane,LoughTorrah,E ire.Bothnameandaddresshadalinethroughthem,whichgenerallymeantthatt hepersonhaddied.Sheglancedathermother. 'IwonderwhythatoldfriendofDad's,CommanderBarry,hasn'twritten? 'sheaskedcasually.'Heisn'tdead,ishe?' 'Who?'Hermotherlookedvague.'Oh,youmeanNick?Idon'tthinkhe'sd ead.Hewasinsomefrightfulcarcrashyearsago.Buttheywereoutoftouchbe forethat.Hehasn'twrittentousforyears.' 'Iwonderwhy.' 'Idon'tknow.Theyhadsomerow,Ineverheardwhatabout.Didyousee thisverysweetletterfromAdmiralArbuthnot?WewerealltogetherinAlexandri

a.' 'Yes,Isawit.Whatwashelike?NottheAdmiral-Nick.' Hermotherleantbackinherchair,consideringthematter. 'Frankly,Inevercouldquitemakehimout,'shesaid.'He'deitherbea lloveroneandthegreatestfun,especiallyatparties,orignoringeverybodya ndmakingsarcasticremarks.Hehadawildstreakinhim.Irememberhimcoming tostaysoonafterDadandIweremarried-hewasbestman,youknow,atthewedd ing-andheturnedallthefurnitureupsidedowninthedrawing-roomandgotvery tight.Suchasillythingtodo.Iwaslivid.' DidDadmind?' 'Idon'tthinkso,Ican'tremember.Theykneweachothersowell,serve dtogether,beenatDartmouthasboys.ThenNicklefttheNavyandwentbackto liveinIreland,andtheysomehowdriftedapart.Ihadtheimpressionactuallyt hathehadthesack,butIneverlikedtoask.YouknowwhatanoysterDadwasa boutServicematters.' 'Yes...' (PooroldNick.Achipontheshoulder.I'dliketoshakehimbythehan dagainandwishhimluck....) Shesawhermotheroffattheairportafewdaysafterwards,andmadehe rownplansfordeparturetoDublin.Thenightbeforesheleft,searchingamongs therfather'spapers,shefoundascrapofpaperwithalistofdatesandthen ameNickalongsidewithaquestion-mark,butnowordofexplanationastowhatt hedatesreferredto.June5,1951.June25,1953.June12,1954.October17,19 54.April24,1955.August13,1955.Thelistborenorelevancetotherestoft hepapersinthefile,andmusthavebeenslippedintherebyaccident.Shecopi edthemdown,andputtheminanenvelopeinsidehertouristguide. Well,thatwasthat,andhereshewas,ontheroadto...todowhat?To apologise,inherdeceasedfather'sname,toaretirednavalcommanderpassedo verforpromotion?Wildinhisyouth?Thegreatestfunatparties?Theimagecon juredupwasnotonetowhiptheappetite,andshebegantopictureamiddle-age dbufferwithahyenalaughwhoputbooby-trapsonthetopofeverydoor.Perhap shehadtrieditontheFirstSeaLordandreceivedthebootforhispains.Ac araccidentturnedhimintoarecluse,anembitteredone-timeclown(butgallant ,herfathersaid,whichmeantwhat-plungingintooil-infestedwaterstorescue drowningsailorsinthewar?)whosatgnawinghisfingernailsinsomeoldGeorgi anmansionormockcastle,drinkingIrishwhiskyandregrettingallthoseapplepiebeds. Someseventy-oddmilesfromDublinonabalmyOctoberafternoon,though, withthecountrysidebecominggreener,lusher,yetsomehowsparselyinhabited, theglintofwatermorefrequentawaytothewest,andsuddenlyamyriadpoolsa ndlakeswithtonguesoflandthrustingbetweenthem,theprospectofringingth ebellofaGeorgianmansionfaded.Herewerenohighwallsencirclingstatelyd emesnes,onlywetfieldsbeyondtheroad,andsurelynomeansofaccesstothes ilver-splinteredlakesbeyond. ThedescriptionofBallyfaneintheofficialguidehadbeenlaconic.'Si tuatedwestofLoughTorrahwithnumeroussmallerloughsclosetothevillage.' TheKilmoreArmshadsixbedrooms,buttherewasnomentionofmod.cons.Ifthe worstcametotheworstshecouldtelephoneNickhisoldfriend'sdaughterstra ndedintheneighbourhood,couldhesuggestacomfortablehotelwithintenmiles ,andshehopedtocalluponhiminthemorning.Abutlerwouldanswer,anoldr etainer.'TheCommanderwouldbepleasedifyouwouldaccepthishospitalityher eatBallyfaneCastle.'Irishwolfhoundsbaying,andherhosthimselfappearing onthesteps,leaningonastick.... Achurchtowerappearedoverthecrestoftheroad,andherewasBallyfa neitself,avillagestreetstragglingupariseflankedbyafewsombrehouses andshops,nameslikeDriscollandMurphypaintedonboardsabovedoors.TheKil moreArmscouldhavedonewithacoatofwhitewash,butmarigoldsinawindow-bo xmakingavaliantattemptatasecondfloweringsuggestedsomeonewithaneyef orcolour. ShelaghparkedherAustinMiniandsurveyedthescene.ThedooroftheK

ilmoreArmswasopen.Theentrancehallthatalsoservedasaloungewasbarean dneat.Nobodywasinsight,butahandbellstandingonthecountertotheleft oftheentranceseemedthereforapurpose.Sherangitbriskly,andasasad-f acedmanemergedfromaninnerroom,limpingandwearingspectacles,shehadaf earfulfeelingthatitwasNickhimself,havingfallenonhardtimes. 'Goodafternoon,'shesaid.'IwaswonderingifIcouldhavetea?' 'Youcan,'hetoldher.'Afullteaorjustthepot?' 'Well,full,Ithink,'shereplied,withavisionofhotsconesandcher ryjam,flashinghimthesmileshegenerallyreservedforthestage-doorkeeper. 'Itwilltakeabouttenminutes,'hesaid.'Thedining-roomistotheri ght,justthreestepsdown.Haveyoucomefar?' 'FromDublin,'shesaid. It'sapleasantdrive.IwasinDublinmyselfaweekago,'hetoldher. 'Mywife,MrsDoherty,hasrelativesthere.She'sawaysickatpresent.' Shewonderedwhethersheshouldapologiseforgivingtrouble,buthehad alreadydisappearedtogetthetea,andshewentdownthestepsintothedining -room.Sixtableslaidready,butshehadtheimpressionnobodyhadeatenthere fordays.Aclockonthewalltickedloudly,breakingthesilence.Presentlyal ittlemaidemergedfromthehackregions,breathingheavily,bearingatraythat haduponitalargepotofteaand,notthesconesandcherryjamshehadantic ipated,butaplatewithtwofriedeggsandthreefatslicesofbacon,aswella saheapoffriedpotatoes.Afulltea....Shewouldhavetoeatit,orMrDoher tywouldbeoffended.Themaidvanished,andablackandwhitecatthathadmade itsappearancewiththeteaarcheditselfagainstherlegs,purringloudly.Fur tivelyshefeditthebaconandoneoftheeggs,thentackledtheremainder.The teawaspipinghotandstrong,andshecouldfeelitsearingherinsideasshe swallowedit. Thelittlemaidemergedoncemore.'Istheteatoyourliking?'sheaske danxiously.'Icouldfryyouanothereggifyou'restillhungry.' 'No,'saidShelagh,'I'vedoneverywell,thankyou.CouldIseeyourte lephonedirectory?Iwanttolookupthenumberofafriend.' Thedirectorywasproducedandshethumbedthepages.Barry'sgalore,bu tnoneinthisdistrict.NoCommander.NoNicolasBarry,R.N.(Reid.).Thejourn eyhadbeeninvain.Hermoodofhighexpectancy,ofdaring,turnedtodesponden cy. 'HowmuchdoIoweforthetea?'sheasked. Thelittlemaidmurmuredamodestsum.Shelaghthankedher,paid,andwe ntoutintothehallandthroughtheopendoorwaytothestreet.Thepostoffice wasontheoppositeside.Onelastenquiryandthen,ifthatwasunluckytoo,s hewouldturnthecarroundagainandmakeforsomehotelbackontheroadtoDu blin,whereshecouldatleastrelaxinasteamingbathandspendthenightinc omfort.Shewaitedpatientlywhileanoldwomanboughtstampsandamanenquired aboutparcelstoAmerica.Thensheturnedtothepostmasterbehindthegrille. 'Excuseme,'sheasked,'Iwonderifyoucanhelpme?Doyouhappentok nowifCommanderBarrylivesanywhereinthedistrict?' Themanstared.'Hedoes,'hesaid.'He'slivedherethesetwentyyears. ' Ohjoy!Oh,therelief!Themissionwasonagain.Allwasnotlost. 'Thethingis,'Shelaghexplained,'Icouldn'tfindhisnameinthetele phonedirectory.' 'Thatisn'tsurprising,'themansaid.'ThereisnotelephoneonLambIs land.' 'LambIsland?'repeatedShelagh.'Youmeanhelivesonanisland?' Themanstaredasifshehadaskedastupidquestion.'It'sonthesouth ernsideofLoughTorrah,'hesaid,'aboutfourmilesfromhereasthecrowflie s.Youcan'treachitexceptbyboat.IfyouwanttogetintouchwithCommander Barryyou'dbestwriteforanappointment.Hedoesn'tseemanypeople.' Thechipontheshoulder...Therecluse... 'Isee,'saidShelagh.'Ihadn'trealised.Canonegetaglimpseofthe islandfromtheroad?'

Themanshrugged.'There'saturningdowntotheloughamileorsoout ofBallyfane,'hetoldher,butit'snomorethanaroughtrack.Youcan'ttake acarthere.Ifyouhavestoutshoesit'saneasyenoughwalk.Bestdoneindayl ight.Youwouldmissyourwayifitcameonfordusk,andthemistrisestooove rthelake.' 'Thankyou,'saidShelagh,'thankyouverymuch.' Shewentoutofthepostofficewiththefeelingthatthepostmasterwas staringafterher.Whatnow?Betternotriskitthisevening.Betterendurethe doubtfulcomfortsoftheKilmoreArmsandindigestion.Shereturnedtothehote landcamefacetofacewithMrDohertyonthedoorstep. 'Isuppose,'shesaid,'youcouldn'tletmehavearoomforthenight?' 'Icouldindeed,you'dbeverywelcome,'hetoldher.'It'squietnow,b utinthetouristseasonyou'dbesurprised-we'veseldomanemptybed.I'llbrin ginyourbaggage.Yourcarwillcometonoharmthereinthestreet.' Anxioustopleasehelimpedtothebootofthecar,broughtouthersuit case,conductedherinsidetheKilmoreArmsandledthewayupstairs,showinghe rintoasmalldoubleroomoverlookingthestreet. 'I'llonlychargeyoufortheonebed,'hesaid.'Twenty-twoshillingsa ndyourbreakfast.There'sabathroomacrossthepassage.' Ohwell,itwasratherfun-andmod.cons.afterall.Lateronthelocals wouldcomeintothebarandbreakintosong.ShewoulddrinkGuinnessoutofan enormoustankardandwatchthem,joininherself,perhaps. Sheinspectedthebathroom.Itremindedherofdigsontour.Onetapdri pping,leavingabrownstain,andwhensheturneditonthewatergushedforthl iketheNiagaraFalls.Still,itwashot.Sheunpackedhernightthings,bathed, dressedagainandwentdownstairs.Voicesdrifteddownthepassage.Shefollowe dthesoundandcametothebar.MrDohertyhimselfstoodbehindthecounter.Th evoicesceasedassheentered,andeveryonestared. Everyonebeingabouthalf-a-dozenmen,andamongstthemsherecognisedt hepostmaster. 'Goodevening,'shesaidbrightly. Amumbledresponsefromall,butuninterested.Theywentontalkingamon gstthemselves.SheorderedwhiskyfromMrDohertyandfeltsuddenlyself-consci ous,perchedthereonthestool,whichwasperfectlyridiculous,becauseshewas usedtogoingintoeverysortofbarontour,andtherewasnothingverysingul araboutthisoneanyway. 'IsityourfirstvisittoIreland?'askedMrDoherty,stillanxiousto please,pouringoutthewhisky. 'Yes,itis,'shetoldhim.'I'mratherashamedI'veneverbeenoverbef ore.MygrandfatherwasIrish.I'msurethesceneryislovelyaroundhere.Imus tdosomeexploringtomorrow,downbythelake.' Sheglancedacrossthebar,andwasawareofthepostmaster'seyeuponh er. 'You'llbewithusforafewdays,then?'askedMrDoherty.'Icouldarr angesomefishingforyou,ifthat'swhatyoulike.' 'Ohwell...I'mnotsure.Itratherdepends.' HowloudandEnglishhervoicesoundedontheair,remindingherofher mother.Likeasocialiteoutofaglossymagazine.Andthelocalchatterhadmom entarilyceased.TheIrishbonhomieshehadvisualisedwasabsent.Nobodyherew asgoingtoseizeafiddleanddanceajigandburstintosong.Perhapsgirlswh ostayedthenightinpubsontheirownweresuspect. 'Yourdinnerisreadywhenyouare.'saidMrDoherty. Shetookthecueandslippedfromthebar-stoolandsoonintothedinin g-room,feelingabouttenyearsold.Soup,fish,roastbeefthetroubletheyhad taken,whenallsheneededwasawafersliceofham,butimpossibletoleavean ythingonherplate.Trifletofinishwith,dousedinsherry. Shelaghlookedatherwatch.Itwasonlyhalf-pasteight.'Willyoutake yourcoffeeinthelounge?' 'Thankyou,yes.' 'There'satelevisionset.I'llswitchitonforyou.'

Thelittlemaiddrewupanarmchairclosetothetelevision,andShelagh satdowntothecoffeeshedidnotwantwhileanAmericancomedy,vintage1950, flickeredfromthebox.Themurmurofvoicesdronedonfromthedirectionofth ebar.Shelaghpouredthecoffeebackintothepotandcreptupstairstofetchh ercoat.Then,leavingthetelevisionblaringintheemptylounge,shewentout intothestreet.Therewasnobodyabout.AllBallyfanewasalreadyinbedorsaf ewithindoors.Shegotintothecaranddroveawaythroughtheemptyvillage,b ackalongtheroadshehadtravelledearlierthatafternoon.Aturning,thepost masterhadsaid,amileorsooutofBallyfane. Thismustbeit,hereontheleft.Acrookedsignpostwiththelettering 'FootpathtoLoughTorrah'showedupintheglareofherhead-lights.Thefootp ath,narrowandtwisting,leddownhill.Sillytoattemptitwithoutatorch,and themoon,three-quartersfull,givingonlyafitfulgleambehindbanksofracin gcloud.Still...Shecouldgopartoftheway,ifonlyforthebenefitofthe exercise. Sheleftthecarclosetothesignpostandbegantowalk.Hershoes,luc kilyflat,squelchedinthemud.AssoonasIcatchaglimpseofthelake,shet hought,I'llturnback,andthenbeupearlytomorrowandcomehereagain,bring apackedlunch,decideuponmyplanofattack.Thefootpathwasopeningoutbet weenthebanks,andsuddenlybeforeherwasthegreatsheetofwater,encircled byjuttinglipsofland,andinthecentrewastheislanditself,shroudedintr ees.Ithadaneerie,sombrequality,andthemoon,breakingthroughtheclouds, turnedthewatersilver,whiletheislandremainedblack,humpedliketheback ofawhale. LambIsland....Inconsequentiallyitmadeherthinkoflegends,notofI rishchiefslongdeadortribalfeuds,butofsacrificestoancientgodsbefore thedawnofhistory.Stonealtarsinaglade.Alambwithitsthroatcutlyinga midsttheashesofafire.Shewonderedhowfaritwasfromtheshore.Distances werehardtojudgebynight.Astreamonherleftrandownintothelake,fring edbyreeds.Sheadvancedtowardsit,pickingherwaycarefullyamongstthepebb lesandthemud,andthenshesawtheboat,tiedtoastump,andthefigureofa manstandingbesideit. Hewasstaringinherdirection.Foolishpanicseizedher,andshebacke daway.Itwasnogood,though.Hewalkedswiftlyupthemudandstoodbesidehe r. 'Wereyoulookingforsomeone?'hesaid. Hewasayoungman,stronglybuilt,wearingafisherman'sjerseyanddun garees.Hespokewiththelocalaccent. 'No,'Shelaghanswered,'no,I'mavisitortothedistrict.Itwasalov elyeveningandIthoughtI'dtakeawalk.' 'Alonelyspotforawalk.Haveyoucomefar?' 'OnlyfromBallyfane,'shetoldhim.'I'mstayingattheKilmoreArms.' 'Isee,'hesaid.'You'rehereforthefishing,maybe.Thefishingisbe ttertheothersideofBallyfane.' 'Thankyou.I'llrememberthat.' Therewasapause.Shelaghwonderedifsheshouldsayanymoreorwhethe rsheshouldturnandgo,biddinghimacheerfulgoodnight.Hewaslookingbeyon dhershouldertowardsthefootpath,andsheheardthesoundofsomebodyelse's footstepssquelchingthroughthemud.Anotherfigureloomedoutoftheshadowan dadvancedtowardsthem.ShelaghsawthatitwasthepostmasterfromBallyfane. Shewasnotsurewhethertobesorryorrelieved. 'Goodeveningagain,'shesaid,hervoiceashadetoohearty.'YouseeI didn'twaituntilmorningafterall,Ifoundmywaysuccessfully,thankstoyou radvice.' 'So,'repliedthepostmaster.'Inoticedyourcarupthereontheroadp arkedbytheturning,andthoughtitbesttofollowincaseyoucametoharm.' 'Thatwaskindofyou,'saidShelagh.'Youshouldn'thavebothered.' 'Nobotheratall.Betterbesurethansorry.'Heturnedtotheyoungma ninthefisherman'sjersey.'It'safinenight,Michael.' 'Itis,MrO'Reilly.Thisyoungladytellsmeshe'shereforthefishing

.I'veexplainedshe'llhavebettersporttheothersideofBallyfane.' 'That'strue,ifit'sfishingshe'safter,'saidthepostmaster,andhe smiledforthefirsttime,butunpleasantly,tooknowing.'Theyoungladywasin thepostofficethiseveningaskingforCommanderBarry.Shewassurprisedhew asnotonthetelephone.' 'Fancythat,now,'saidtheyoungman,anddisconcertinglyheproduceda torchfromhispocketandflasheditinherface.'Excusetheliberty,miss,bu tIhaven'thadthepleasureofmeetingyoubefore.Ifyou'dcaretotellmeyou rbusinesswiththeCommanderIwillpassonthemessage.' 'MichaelherelivesonLambIsland,'saidthepostmaster.'He'sbywayo fbeingawatch-dogtotheCommander,andkeepsunwelcomevisitorsatbay,youm ightsay.' Hesaidthiswiththesameknowingsmilewhichshefoundsounpleasant, andshewishedshecouldbeawayandoutofit,backintheneatlittlebedroom attheKilmoreArms,notherebesidethesinisterlakewiththesetwostrangeme n. I'mafraidIcan'tgiveamessage,'shesaid.'It'saprivatematter.Pe rhapsitwouldbebetterifIwrotetoCommanderBarryfromthehotel.Heisn't expectingme,yousee.It'sallratherdifficult.' Herlossofcomposurewasevidenttothetwomen.Shesawthemexchange glances.Thentheyoungmanjerkedhisheadatthepostmasteranddrewhimaside ,andtheyspoketogetheroutofearshot.Heruneasinessincreased. Theyoungmanturnedbacktoher.'ItellyouwhatI'lldo,'andhewas smilingnow,butashadetoobroadly.'I'llrunyouovertotheislandinthebo at,andtheCommandershalldecideforhimselfwhetherhewantstoseeyouorno t.' 'Ohno...'saidShelagh,backingaway,'nottonight.It'smuchtoolate .I'llcomebackinthemorning,andyoucanrunmeacrossthen.' 'Itwouldbebettertogetitoverwithtonight,'saidMichael. Getitoverwith?Whatdidhemean?Afewmonthsagoshehadboastedto somefriendsafterafirst-nightpartythatshehadneverbeenfrightenedofany thinginherlife,exceptdrying-up.Shewasfrightenednow. 'They'llbewaitingupformeatthehotel,'shesaidquickly.'IfIdon 'treturnsoonMrDohertywillgetintouchwiththepolice.' 'Don'tfretyourself,'saidthepostmaster.'Ihaveafriendstandingby uptheroad.He'lldriveyourcarbacktotheKilmoreArmsandwe'llmakeital lrightbetweenuswithTimDoherty.' Beforeshecouldprotestfurthertheyhadseizedherarmsandweremarch ingherbetweenthemdowntotheboat.Itcan'tbetrue,shethought,itcan'tb ehappening,andastrangledsobescapedher,likethatofaterrifiedchild. 'Ah,sshhnow,'saidMichael,'noone'sgoingtotouchahairofyourhe ad.Yousaidyourselfit'safinenight.It'sfinerstillonthewater.Youmay seethefishjumping.' Hehelpedherintotheboatandpushedherfirmlyonthesternseat.The postmasterremainedonshore.That'sbetter,shethought,atleastthere'sonly oneofthem. 'Solong,MrO'Reilly,'Michaelcalledsoftly,startingtheengine,then looseningthepainterfromthemooring-post. 'Solong,Michaelmyboy,'calledthepostmaster. Theboatglidedawayfromthereedsontotheopenlough,thechug-chug ofthelittleenginequiet,subdued.Thepostmasterwavedhishand,thenturned backandstartedwalkinguptheshoretowardsthefootpath. Thejourneyfrommainlandtoislandtookbarelyfiveminutes,butseenf romthelakethemainlandappeareddark,remote,thehillsinthedistanceanom inoussmudge.ThecomfortinglightsofBallyfanewereoutofsight.Shehadneve rfeltsovulnerable,soalone.Michaelsaidnothinguntiltheboatdrewinalon gsideasmalllanding-stagebuiltoutfromthenarrowshore.Thetreesclustered thicklytothewater'sedge.Hetieduptheboat,thenheldouthishandtoher . 'Nowthen,'hesaidwhenhehadhelpedherontothelanding-stage,'the

truthisthattheCommanderisawayatameetingtheothersideofthelough,b utheshouldbebackbymidnightorthereabouts.I'lltakeyouuptothehousea ndthestewardwilllookafteryou.' Thesteward...TheBallyfanecastleandtheGeorgianmansionhadreturn edtothelandoffantasywhencetheyhadsprung,butstewardhadamediaevalri ngtoit,Malvoliowithataperingstaff,stonestepsleadingtoanaudiencecha mber.Wolf-houndsguardingdoors.Afaintmeasureofconfidencereturnedtoher. Michaelwasnotgoingtostrangleherunderthetrees. Surprisingly,thehousewasrevealedafterlittlemorethanahundredya rds,setinaclearingamidstthetrees.Along,low,one-storiedbuilding,buil tsurelyoftimberputupinsections,likepicturesofreliefhospitalserected bymissionariesinjunglesforsicknatives.Averandahranthewholelengthof it,andasMichaelledherupthestepsandpausedbeforeadoormarkedGalley Entranceadogbarkedfromwithin,notthedeep-throatedbayingofawolf-hound butshriller,sharper,andMichaellaughed,turnedtoherandsaid,'Theydon't needmeaswatchdogwhenSkip'saround.She'dsmellstrangerstwentymilesaway. ' Thedooropened.Ashort,stocky,middle-agedmanstoodbeforethem,dre ssedintheuniformofanavalsteward. 'Asmallproblemforyou,Bob,'saidMichael.'Theyoungladyherewasw anderingdownbytheloughjustnowinthedarknessandall,anditappearsshe wasenquiringoffMrO'ReillyfortheCommander.' Thesteward'sfaceremainedimpassive,buthiseyestravelleddownfrom Shelagh'sfacetoherclothes,andherjacketpocketsinparticular. 'There'snothingonher,'saidMichael,'andshemusthaveleftherhand baginthecarbesidetheroad.TheyoungladyisstayingupattheArms,butwe thoughtitbesttobringherstraighthere.Younevercantell.' 'Pleasecomeinside,miss,'saidthestewardtoShelagh,hisvoicecourt eousbutfirm.'You'refromEngland,Itakeit.' 'Yes,'shereplied.'IflewovertoDublintoday,anddrovestraighther e.MybusinesswithCommanderBarryisapersonalmatter,andIdon'twanttodi scussitwithanyoneelse.' 'Isee,'saidthesteward. Thelittledog,aSchipperke,withprickedearsandbright,intelligent eyes,wassniffingdaintilyatShelagh'sankles. 'Wouldyougivemeyourcoat?'askedthesteward. Astrangerequest.Shewaswearingashorttweedjacketandmatchingski rt.Shehandedoverthejacket,andheexaminedthepocketsandplaceditovert hebackofthechair.Then-andthiswasdisconcerting heranhishandsinabr iskprofessionalwayoverherbody,whileMichaelwatchedwithinterest. 'Idon'tknowwhyyou'redoingthis,'shesaid.'You'vehijackedme,not theotherwayround.' 'It'sawaywehavewithvisitorswedon'tknow,'saidthesteward.'It savesargumentinthelongrun.'HejerkedhisheadatMichael.'Youdidrightt obringtheyoungladyalong.I'llexplainmatterstotheCommanderwhenheretu rns.' Michaelgrinned,winkedatShelagh,raisedhishandinamocksaluteand wentout,shuttingthedoorbehindhim. 'Willyoucomewithme,please?'saidthesteward. ReluctanttoseethelastofMichael,whoseemedsuddenlyanally,nota prospectiverapist,ShelaghfollowedBobthesteward(notMalvolioafterall)a longacorridortoaroomatthefurtherend.Thestewardthrewopenthedooran dusheredherin. 'Cigarettesonthetablebythefire,'hesaid.'Ringthebellifthere isanythingyourequire.Wouldyoucareforcoffee?' 'Please.'saidShelagh.Ifshewasgoingtositupallnightcoffeewoul dhelp. Theroomwasspacious,comfortable,abluecarpetfittedwall-to-wall.A settee,acoupleofdeeparmchairs,alargeflat-toppeddesknearthewindow.P icturesofshipsonthewall.Alog-fireburningbrightlyinthehearth.Theset

tingremindedherofsomething.Shehadseensomeplacelikeitinthepast,rem indingherofchildhooddays.Thensheremembered.Itwasaduplicateofthecap tain'scabininExcalibur,herfather'scabin.Lay-out,furnishings,wereidenti cal.Thefamiliarsurroundingswereuncanny,itwaslikesteppingbackintothe past. Shewanderedroundtheroom,tryingtotakeitin.Shecrossedtothewi ndowanddrewasidethecurtains,half-expectingtoseethedeckoutside,andbe yond,inthedistance,othershipsatanchorinPortsmouthharbour.Therewasno deck,though,noships.Onlythelongverandah,theshroudedtreesandthepath waytothelough,thesilverwatershiningbeneaththemoon.Thedooropenedonc eagain,andthestewardbroughtincoffeeonasilvertray. 'TheCommanderwon'tbelongnow,'hesaid.'I'vejusthadwordhislaun chleftfifteenminutesago.' Launch...Theyhadmorethanoneboat,then.Andjusthadword.Thereh adbeennosoundofatelephoneringing,andanywaythehousewasn'tonthephon e.Hewentoutandclosedthedoor.Shebegantopaniconceagain,realisedshe waslostwithoutherbag,leftinthecar.Nocomb,nolipstick.Shehadn'ttouc hedherfacesincebeforegoingdowntothebarattheKilmoreArms.Shepeered intothemirrorhangingonthewallbeyondthedesk.Hairdank,facewhiteandp inched,shelookedfrantic.Shewonderedwhetheritwouldbebestforhimtofin dhersittinginoneofthearmchairs,drinkinghercoffee,seeminglyrelaxed,o rstandingratherboyishlybeforethefireplace,handsinherjacketpockets.Sh eneededdirection,sheneededsomeonelikeAdamVanetotellherwhattodo,ho wtoplaceherselfbeforethecurtainrose. Sheturnedroundfromthemirror,facingthedesk,andsawthephotograp hintheblueleatherframe.Thephotographofhermotherasabride,herveilt hrownback,theirritatingsmileoftriumphonherface.Therewassomethingwro ng,though.ThegroomstandingbesideherwasnotShelagh'sfather.ItwasNick, thebestman,hairenbrosse,supercilious,bored.Shelookedcloser,baffled, andrealisedthatthephotographhadbeencleverlyfaked.Nick'sheadandshould ershadbeentransposedontoherfather'sfigure,whileherfather'shead,slee k-haired,smilinghappily,hadbeenshiftedtothelankyfigurebehind,standing betweenthebridesmaids.Itwasonlybecausesheknewtheoriginalphotographo nherfather'sdeskathome,andhadacopyherselfsomewhere,stuckawayinad rawer,thatsherecognisedthetranspositioninstantly.Astrangerwouldthinkt hephotographgenuine.Butwhyonearth?WhomdidNickwanttodeceive,unlessi twashimself? Shelaghmovedawayfromthedesk,uneasy.Peoplewhowerementallysick deceivedthemselves.Whatwasitherfatherhadsaid?Nickhadalwaysbeenabor der-linecase....Shehadbeenfrightenedbefore,standingontheshorebythel akequestionedbythetwomen,butthathadbeenphysicalfear,anaturalreacti oninthefaceofpossiblebrutality.Thiswasdifferent-afeelingofrevulsion, astrangeapprehension.Theroomthathadseemedwarmandfamiliarbecamekinky ,queer.Shewantedtogetoutofit. ShewenttotheFrenchwindowandpulledasidethecurtains.Thewindow waslocked.Nokey,nowayofescape.Thensheheardthesoundofvoicesinthe hall,andthisisit,shethought,I'vegottofaceit.Imustlie,makeupmyl ines,improvise.Fmalonehere,butforthesteward,withsomeonewhoissick,w hoismad.Thedooropened,andhecameintotheroom. Surprisewasmutual.Hehadcaughther,literally,onthewrongfoot,ho veringbetweenarmchairandcoffee-table,semi-bent,anawkwardposition,nosor tofpoise.Shestraightenedherselfandstared.Sodidhe.Hewasnotinthele astlikethebestmanintheauthenticweddinggroup,exceptforthefigure,lan kyandtall.Thehairwasnolongerenbrossebecausetherewaslittleofit,an dthesmallblackpatchoverthelefteyesuggestedMosheDayan.Therighteyew asverybrightandblue.Themouththin.Ashestoodthere,staring,thelittle dogprancedinbehindhim.Hecalledoverhisshouldertothesteward.'Seethat OperationBgoesforwardasofnow,Bob,'hesaid,withouttakinghiseyeoffS helagh,and'Aye,aye,sir,'repliedthestewardfromthecorridor. Thedoorclosed,andNickcameintotheroomandsaid,'IseeBobbrough

tyousomecoffee.Isitcold?' 'Idon'tknow,'Shelaghreplied.'Ihaven'tdrunkanyyet.''Addsomewh iskytoit,you'llfeelbetter.' Heopenedawall-cupboardandbroughtoutatraywithdecanter,sodasyp hon,andglassesuponit.Heputitonthetablebetweenthetwochairs,thenfl unghimselfdownontheoneoppositeher,thedogonhislap.Shelaghpouredsom ewhiskyintohercupofcoffee,awarethatherhandtrembled.Shewassweating, too.Hisvoicewasclear,ratherclipped,authoritative,remindingherofadir ectorwhousedtoteachatdramaschoolandhadhalfhisstudentsintears.All excepther.Shehadwalkedoutofclassonemorning,andhehadhadtoapologise . 'Comeon,relax,'saidherhost.'You'reastautasabow-string. Iapologisefortheabduction,butitwasyourownfaultforwanderingd ownbythelakelateintheevening.' 'ThesignpostsaidfootpathtoLoughTorrah,'shereplied.'Ididn'tsee anoticeforbiddingtrespassers,orwarningpeopleaway.Theyoughttoadvisev isitorsattheairportnevertowanderaftersundown,butIsupposetheycan't, itwouldhitthetouristtradeforsix.' Stuffthatup,shethought,andtosseddownherwhisky-lacedcoffee.He smiled,butnotwithher,ather,andbegantostrokethesmooth,sleekcoatof thelittledog.Theoneeyewasdisconcerting.Shehadtheimpressionthatthel efteyewasstilltherebehindthepatch. 'What'syourname?' Herreplywasinstinctive.'Jinnie.'shetoldhim,andadded,'Blair.' JenniferBlairwasherstage-name.ShelaghMoneyhadneversoundedright .ButnobodyexceptherfatherhadevercalledherJinnie.Itmusthavebeenner vesthathadmadeherblurtitoutnow. 'M'm,'hesaid.'Jinnie.Rathernice.Whydidyouwanttoseeme,Jinnie ?' Improvisation.Playitbyear,AdamVanealwayssaid.Thisisthesituat ion,takeitfromhere.Startingnow.... Therewasacigaretteboxonthetable,andalighter.Sheleantforward andtookacigarettefromthebox.Hedidnotattempttolightitforher. 'I'majournalist.Myeditorswanttorunanewseriesinthespringabo uttheeffectsofretirementonServicemen.Whethertheylikeit,whetherthey' rebored.Theirhobbies,andsoon.Youknowthekindofthing.Well,fourofus weregiventheassignment.Youwereonmylist,andhereIam.' 'Isee.' Shewishedhewouldtakethateyeoffherforonemoment.Thelittledog ,inecstasyatthestrokinghand,wasnowlyingonitsback,pawsintheair. 'WhatmadeyouthinkIshouldbeofanyinteresttoyourreaders?' 'Thatwasn'treallymyproblem,'shetoldhim.'Otherpeopledothechec k-upsintheoffice.Iwasmerelygivenbriefparticulars.Servicecareer,good warrecord,retired,livesatBallyfane,andtoldtotakeitfromthere.Bringb ackastory.Humaninterest,andallthat....' 'Curious,'hesaid,'thatyourbossesshouldhavepickedonmewhenther earemanyfarmoredistinguishedpersonslivingoverhereinretirement.Genera ls,rear-admirals,scoresof'em.' Sheshruggedhershoulders.'Ifyouaskme,'shesaid,'theypickthena mesoutofahat.Andsomeone,Iforgetwho,saidyouwerearecluse.Theylove thatsortofthing.Findoutwhatmakeshimtick,theytoldme.' Hepouredhimselfadrink,thenleantbackagaininhischair.'What'st henameofyourpaper?'heasked. 'Itisn'tanewspaper,it'samagazine.Oneofthenewglossies,veryup andcoming,publishedeveryfortnight.Searchlight.Youmayhaveseenit.' Searchlightwas,inpointoffact,arecentpublication.Shehadskimmed throughitintheaircraftcomingover. 'No,I'venotseenit,'hetoldher,'butthen,livingasarecluse,tha t'shardlysurprising,isit?' 'No,No,Isupposenot.'

Theeyewaswatchful.Sheblewacloudofsmokeintotheair. 'Soitwasprofessionalcuriositythattookyouwanderingtothelakeby night,ratherthanwaituntildaylighttoapproachme?' 'Naturally.Andthefactthatyouliveonanisland.Islandsarealways mysterious.Especiallybynight.' 'You'renoteasilyscared?' 'IwasscaredwhenyourhenchmanMichaelandtheratherunpleasantpostm asterseizedmebythearmsandforcedmeintotheboat.' 'Whatdidyouthinktheyweregoingtodo?' 'Assault,rape,murder,inthatorder.' 'Ali,that'swhatcomesofreadingtheEnglishnewspapersandwritingfo rglossymagazines.We'reapeaceablelotinIreland,you'dbesurprised.Wesho oteachotherup,butthat'straditional.Rapeisuncommon.Weseldomseduceour women.Theyseduceus.' NowitwasShelaghwhosmiled,inspiteofherself.Confidencewasretur ning.Parryandthrust.Shecouldkeepthissortofthinggoingforhours. 'MayIquoteyouonthat?'sheasked. 'I'dratheryoudidn't.Badforthenationalimage.Weliketothinkof ourselvesasdevils.Wegetmorerespectthatway.Havesomemorewhisky.' 'Thankyou,Iwill.' Ifthiswasrehearsal,shethought,thedirectorwouldtellmetochange position.Pourmyselfanotherdrinkfromthedecanterandstandup,lookabout theroom.No,onsecondthoughtsbetterstayput. 'Nowit'syourturntoanswerquestions,'shesaid.'Doesyourboatmanm akeahabitofhi-jackingtourists?' 'No,Youarethefirst.Youshouldbeflattered.' 'Itoldhim,'shewenton,'andthepostmasteraswell,thatitwastoo lateforaneveningcall,andI'dcomebackinthemorning.Theywouldn'tlisten .AndwhenIgothereyourstewardsearchedmefriskedme,Ibelievetheycalli t.' 'Bob'sverythorough.It'sanoldnavalcustom.Weusedtofrisktheloc algirlswhentheycameaboard.Itwaspartofthefun.' 'Liar,'shesaid. 'No,Iassureyou.They'veputastoptoitnow,I'mtoldLikethedaily totsofrum.Anotherreasonwhyyoungsterswon'tjointheNavyanymore.Youca nquotemeonthat,ifyoulike.' Shewatchedhimovertherimofherglass.'DoyouregretleavingtheSe rvice?' 'Notintheslightest.IhadallIwantedfromit.' 'Exceptpromotion?' 'Oh,tohellwithpromotion.Whowantstocommandashipinpeacetimewh enavesselisobsoletebeforeshe'sevenlaunched?NordidIfancysittingonm ybacksideintheAdmiraltyorsomeestablishmentashore.Besides,Ihadmorewo rthwhilethingstodohereathome.' 'Suchas?' 'Findingoutaboutmyowncountry.Readinghistory.Oh,notCromwelland allthat-theancientstuff,whichismuchmorefascinating.I'vewrittenthousa ndsofwordsonthesubjectwhichwillnevergetprinted.Articlesappearsometi mesinscholarlyjournals,butthat'saboutall.Idon'tgetpaidforthem.Not likeyou,writingformagazines.' Hesmiledagain.Itwasratheragoodsmile.Notgoodintheacceptedse nseoftheword,butinhers.Whipping-up,infact,challenging.(Ileusedtobe suchfunatparties.')Hadthemomentcome?Didshedare? 'Tellme,'sheasked,'Iknowit'spersonal,butmyreaderswillwantto know.Icouldn'thelpnoticingthatphotographonyourdesk.You'vebeenmarrie dthen?' 'Yes,'hesaid,'theonetragedyofmylife.Shewaskilledinacarcra shafewmonthsafterweweremarried.UnluckilyIsurvived.That'swhenIlost myeye'. Hermindwentblank.Improvise...improvise.

'Howterribleforyou,'shemurmured.'I'mverysorry.' 'That'sallright.Ithappenedyearsago.Itookalongtimetogetover it,ofcourse,butIlearnttolivewiththesituation,toadapt.Therewasnot hingelseIcoulddo.I'dretiredfromtheNavybythen,whichadmittedlydidn't helpmatters.However,thereitwas,and,asItoldyou,ithappenedalongtim eago.' Thenhereallybelievedit?Hereallybelievedhehadbeenmarriedtohe rmother,andshehadbeenkilledinacarcrash?Somethingmusthavehappenedt ohisbrainwhenhelosttheeye,somethinghadgonewrong.Andwhenhadhetamp ered'withthephotograph?Beforetheaccidentorafterwards?Andwhy?Doubtand mistrustreturned.Shewasjustbeginningtolikehim,tofeelateasewithhim ,andnowherconfidencewasshattered.Ifhewasinsane,howmustshehandlehi m,whatmustshedo?Shegotupandstoodbythefireplace,andhowodd,shetho ught,themovementisnatural,it'snotacting,notastagedirection,theplay isbecomingreal. 'Look,'shesaid,'Idon'tthinkIwanttowritethisarticleafterall. Itisn'tfairtoyou.You'vebeenthroughtoomuch.Ihadn'trealised.AndI'm suremyeditorwouldagree.It'snotourpolicytoprobeintoaperson'ssufferi ng.Searchlightisn'tthatsortofmagazine.' 'Ohreally?'hereplied.'Howdisappointing.Iwaslookingforwardtore adingallaboutmyself.I'mratherconceited,youknow.' Hebeganstrokingthedogagain,buthiseyeneverleftherface. 'Well,'shesaid,searchingforwords,'Icouldsayahitaboutyourliv ingherealoneontheisland,fondofyourdog.keenonancienthistory...and soon.' 'Wouldn'tthatberatherdullandhardlyworthprinting?''No.notatal l.' Suddenlyhelaughed,putthedogonthefloorandstooduponthehearth -rugbesideher.'You'dhavetodoratherbetterthanthistogetawaywithit,' hesaid.'Let'sdiscussitinthemorning.Youcantellmethen,ifyoulike,w hoyoureallyare.Ifyou'reajournalist,whichIdoubt,youweren'tsenthere towriteaboutmyhobbiesandmypetdog.Funny,youremindmeofsomeone,butI can'tforthelifeofmethinkwhoitis.' Hesmileddownather,veryconfidentofhimself,notatallmad,remind ingher...ofwhat?Beinginherfather'scabinonboardExcalibur?Beingswept upintheairbyherfather,screamingwithdelightandfear?Oh,thesmellof eau-de-colognethatheused,andthismantoo,notlikethestinkingafter-shave theyallswampedthemselveswithtoday.... 'I'malwaysremindingpeopleofsomebodyelse.'shesaid.'Nopersonalit yofmyown.YouremindmeofMosheDayan.' Hetouchedhiseye-shade.'Justagimmick.IfheandIsportedthempink ,we'dbeignored.Thefactthatit'sblacktransformsit.Hasthesameeffecto nwomenthatblackstockingshaveonmen.' Hewalkedacrosstheroomandthrewopenthedoor.'Bob?'hecalled. 'Sir,'camethereplyfromthekitchen. 'OperationBunderway?' 'Sir.Michaelcomingalongsidenow.' 'Right!'HeturnedtoShelagh.'Letmeshowyoutherestofthehouse.' Sheinferred,fromthenauticallanguage,thatMichaelwasstandingbyt oescortherbyboattothemainland.TimeenoughwhenshegotbacktotheKilmo reArmstodecidewhethertoreturninthemorningandbrazenitout,orforget allaboutthemissionandbeatitforhome.Heescortedherdownthecorridor,t hrowingopenonedooraftertheother,withnamesuponthem.ControlRoom...Si gnals...SickBay...Crew'sQuarters...Thismustbeit,shetoldherself.He hasafantasyoflivingonboardship.Thisishowhehascometotermswithli fe,withdisappointment,withinjury. 'We'rehighlyorganised,'hetoldher.'I'venouseforthetelephoneco mmunicationwiththemainlandisbyshortwaveradio.Ifyouliveonanislandy ou'vegottobeself-sufficient.Likeashipatsea.I'vebuiltallthisupfrom scratch.Therewasn'tevenaloghousewhenIcametoLambIsland,andnowit's

acompleteflagship.Icouldcontrolafleetfromhere.' Hesmiledatherintriumph,andheismad,shethought,ravingmad,but forallthatattractive-very,infact.Itwouldbeeasytobetakenin,tobeli eveeverythinghesaid. 'Howmanyofyoulivehere?' 'Ten,includingmyself.Thesearemyquarters.' Theyhadreachedadoorattheendofthecorridor.Heledthewaythrou ghittoaseparatewing.Therewerethreeroomsandabathroom.OnedoorhadCo mmanderBarrywrittenuponit. 'I'minhere,'hesaid,throwingopenthedoor,revealingatypicalcapt ain'scabin,withabed,though,notabunk.Thelayoutwasfamiliar,givingher asuddenpoignantnostalgia. 'Guest-roomsnextdoor,'hesaid.'NumbersOneandTwo.NumberOnehasa betterviewofthelake.' Headvancedintotheroomanddrewasidethecurtains.Themoonhadrise nhigh,andshonedownuponthesheetofwaterbeyondthetrees.Itwasverypea ceful,verystill.TherewasnothingsinisteraboutLambIslandnow.Thesituati onwasreversed,anditwasthedistantmainlandthatseemedshrouded,drear. 'EvenIshouldbecomearecluseifIlivedhere,'shesaid,andthen,tu rningfromthewindow,added,'Imustn'tkeepyouup.PerhapsMichaeliswaiting totakemeback.' Hehadswitchedonthebedsidelamp.'You'renotgoingback.OperationB hasbeenputintoeffect.' 'Whatdoyoumean?' Thesingleeyewasuponher,discomfiting,amused.'WhenIwastoldthat ayoungwomanwantedtoseeme,Idecideduponaplanofaction.OperationAme antthatwhoeveritwassignifiednobodyofinterest,andcouldbereturnedtoB allyfane.OperationBmeantthatthevisitorwouldbemyguest,andherluggage fetchedfromtheKilmoreArmsandmattersexplainedtoTimDoherty.He'sverydi screet.' Shestaredathim,hersenseofuneasereturning.'Youdidn'tgiveyours elfmuchtimetoconsider.IheardyougiveordersaboutOperationBassoonas youcameintotheroomdownthere.' 'That'sright.I'minthehabitofcomingtoquickdecisions.HereisBo bwithyourthingsnow.' Therewasacough,aquietknockonthedoor.Thestewardcameinbearin gherluggage.Everythinghadevidentlybeenputbackintohersuitcase,allthe smalllitterfromherbedroomatthehotel.Healsohadhermapsandherhandba gfromthecar.Nothinghadbeenforgotten. 'Thankyou,Bob,'Nicksaid.'MissBlairwillringdownforbreakfastwh enshewantsit.' Thestewardplacedherthingsonachair,murmured,'Goodnight,miss,'a ndwithdrew.Sothatisthat,thoughtShelagh,andwheredowegofromhere?He wasstillwatchingher,thesmileofamusementonhisface.Whenindoubt,shet oldherself,yawn.Becasual.Pretendthissortofthinghappenseverynightof yourlife.Shepickedupherbagandfoundhercomb,ranitthroughherhair,hu mmingatuneunderherbreath. 'Youshouldneverhaveretired,'shesaid.'Suchawasteofyourorganis ingpowers.YououghttobecommandingtheMediterraneanFleet.Planninganexer cise,orsomething.' 'That'sexactlywhatIamdoing.You'llgetyourorderswhenthisshipi satactionstations.NowI'vegotsomeworktodo,soI'llleaveyou.Bythewa y...'hepaused,hishandonthedoor,'youdon'thavetolockthis,you'reper fectlysafe.' 'Iwouldn'tdreamoflockingit,'shereplied.'AsajournalistI'mused toshake-downsinthemostunlikelyplaces,andprowlingaboutunknowncorridor sinthemiddleofthenight.' Punch-line,shethought.Thatwillteachyou.Nowdisappearandturnall yourfurnitureupsidedown.... 'Ah,'hesaid,'sothat'syourform.It'snotacaseofyoulockingyour

doorbutofmelockingmine.Thanksforthewarning.' Sheheardhimlaughingashewentdownthecorridor.Curtain.Damn.Heh adhadthelastword. Shewenttohersuitcaseandthrewitopen.Thefewclothes,night-thing s,make-up,neatlypacked.Herhandbaguntouched.Aluckythingthepapersfort hehiredAustinwereallinherstagename.NothingtoconnectherwithShelagh Money.Theonlythingthathadbeenshakenandfoldeddifferentlywasthemapan dthetouristguide.Well,thatdidn'tmatter.ShehadmarkedBallyfaneandLoug hTorrahwithbluepencil,butajournalistwouldhavedonethatanyway.Somethi ngwasmissing,though-thecopper-colouredpaper-cliphadgone.Sheshooktheto uristguide,butnothingfellout.Theenvelopewasnolongerthere.Theenvelop econtainingtheslipofpaperwiththedatesuponit,whichshehadcopiedfrom thefileinherfather'sstudy. WhenShelaghawokethesunwasstreamingintotheroom.Sheglancedath ertravelling-clockbesidethebed.Aquarter-past-nine.Shehadsleptsoundlyf ornearlytenhours.Shegotoutofbedandwenttothewindow,drawingthecurt ainsaside.Herroomappearedtobeattheextremeendofthebuilding.andimme diatelybeyondherwindowagrassbankslopedtowardsthetrees,andthroughthe treesthemselvesanarrowclearingleddowntothelake.Theglimpseshecould catchofthelakeshowedthewatertobesparklingblue,thesurfacethathadbe ensostilllasteveningnowturnedtowavelets,whippedbyascuddingbreeze.N ickhadtoldthestewardshewouldringdownforherbreakfast,andshepickedu pthetelephonebythebed.Bob'svoicecameatonce. 'Yes,miss.Orange-juice?Coffee?Rolls?Honey?' 'Please...' Service,shethought.Ishouldn'tbegettingthisattheKilmoreArms.B obbroughtthetraytoherbedsidewithinfourminutes.Themorningpaperwasal souponit,neatlyfolded. 'TheCommander'scompliments,miss,'hesaid.'Hehopesyousleptwell. Ifthereisanythingelseyourequireyouhaveonlytotellme.' I'dliketoknowifitwasMrDohertyattheKilmoreArmsorMrO'Reilly fromthepostofficewhotooktheenvelopefromthetouristguide,shewasthin king.Orcoulditbeyou,Malvolio?NobodywouldhavebotheredaboutitifIhad n'tscribbledontheenvelope,'N.Barry.Datespossiblysignificant.' 'IhaveeverythingIneed,thankyou,Bob,'shesaid. Whenshehadbreakfasted,dressedherselfinsweaterandjeans,andmade uphereyeswithrathergreatercarethanshehaddonethedaybefore,shewas readytofacewhateversurprisesNickhadinstoreforher.Shewalkeddownthe corridor,passedthroughtheswing-doorandcametotheliving-room.Thedoorwa sopen,buthewasnotthere.Somehowshehadexpectedtoseehimathisdesk.S hewentacrosstoit,glancingfurtivelyoverhershoulder,andstaredattheph otographonceagain.Nickwasmuchbetternowthanthen,shethought.Asayoung manhemusthavebeenirritating,over-pleasedwithhimself,andshehadafeel ingthathishairhadbeenred.Thewholetruthwas,shesupposed,thattheyhad bothbeeninlovewithhermother,andwhenherfatherwonthishadhelpedtot urnNicksour.Startedthechip.Oddthathermotherhadnotmentionedthefact. Shegenerallypreenedherfeathersaboutoldadmirers.Disloyal,Shelaghknew, butwhathadbothmenseeninherexceptthatveryobviouspretty-prettyface?F artoomuchlipstick,liketheyworeinthosedays.Andabitofasnob,always name-dropping.Sheandherfatherusedtowinkateachotherifshediditinfr ontofotherpeople. Adiscreetcoughwarnedherthatthestewardwaswatchingherfromthec orridorbeyond. 'TheCommanderisinoneofthewoodclearings,miss,ifyouwerelookin gforhim.Icanpointyoutheway.' 'Oh,thankyou,Bob.' Theywentouttogether,andhesaid,'You'llfindtheCommanderworking downonthesiteabouttenminutes'walkaway.' Thesite...Fellingtrees,perhaps.Shesetoffthroughthewoods,the foliagethickandgreenoneithersideofthepath,denseasaminiatureforest,

withoutaglimpseofthelaketobeseen.Ifonestrayedfromthepath,shetho ught,andwanderedamongstthetrees,onewouldbelostinstantly,strikingfor thelakeandnotfindingit,movingroundandroundincircles.Thewindsighed inthebranchesaboveherhead.Nobirds,nomovement,nolappingwaternearat hand.Apersoncouldbeburiedhereinalltheundergrowthandneverfound.Perh apssheshouldturnback,retraceherstepstothehouse,tellthestewardshep referredtowaitindoorsforCommanderBarry.Shehesitated,butitwastoolate .Michaelwasadvancingthroughthetreestowardsher.Hecarriedaspadeinhis hand. 'TheCommanderiswaitingforyou,miss.Hewantstoshowyouthegrave. We'vejustuncoveredit.' OhGod,whatgrave,forwhom?Shefeltthecolourdrainfromherface.M ichaelwasnotsmiling.Hejerkedhisheadtowardsaclearingjustahead.Thens hesawtheothers.ThereweretwoothermenbesidesNick.Theywerestrippedto thewaist,bendingoversomethingintheground.Shefeltherlegsweakenunder her,andherheartbeganthumpinginherbreast. 'MissBlairishere,sir,'saidMichael. Nickturnedandstraightened.Hewasdressedliketheothers,insinglet andjeans.Hedidnotcarryaspade,buthadasmallaxeinhishand. 'So,'hesaid,'themomenthasarrived.Comeoverhereandkneeldown.' Heplacedhishandonhershoulder,anddrewhertowardsthecraterthat openedwidebeforeher.Shecouldnotspeak.Shecouldonlyseethebrownearth piledoneithersideofthecrater,thetumbledleaves,thebranchestossedasi de.Instinctively,assheknelt,sheburiedherfaceinherhands. 'Whatareyoudoing?'Hesoundedsurprised.'Youcan'tseewithyoureye scovered.Thisisagreatoccasion,youknow.You'reprobablythefirstEnglish womantobepresentattheuncoveringofamegalithictombinIreland.Courtcai rns,wecallthem.TheboysandIhavebeenworkingonthisoneforweeks.' Thenextthingsheknewwasthatshewassittinghumpedagainstatreew ithherheadbetweenherlegs.Theworldstoppedspinning,graduallybecameclea r.Shewassweatingallover. 'IthinkI'mgoingtobesick,'shesaid. 'Goahead,'hereplied.'Don'tmindme.' Sheopenedhereyes.ThemenhadalldisappearedandNickwascrouching besideher. 'That'swhatcomesofonlyhavingcoffeeforbreakfast,'hetoldher.'Q uitefatalstartingthedayonanemptystomach.' Herosetohisfeetandwanderedbacktothecrater. 'I'vetremendoushopesofthisfind.It'sinabetterstateofpreservat ionthanmanyothersI'veseen.Weonlystumbleduponitbychanceafewweeksa go.We'veuncoveredtheforecourtandpartofwhatIthinkisagalleryforthe burialplaceitself.It'snotbeendisturbedsinceabout1,500yearsB.C.Can't havetheoutsideworldgettingwindofit,orweshallhaveallthearchaeologic alchapsoverherewantingtotakephotographs,andthatwouldputthefatinth efireallright.Feelingbetter?' 'Idon'tknow,'shesaidweakly.'Ithinkso.' 'Comeandhavealook,then.' Shedraggedherselftothecraterandpeeredintothedepths.Alotofs tones,asortofroundedarchaffair,akindofwall.Impossibletoshowenthusi asm,hermisunderstandingandfearhadbeentoogreat. 'Veryinteresting,'shesaid,andthentohershame,farworsethanbein gsick,sheburstintotears.Hestaredather,momentarilynonplussed,thentak ingherbythehandbeganwalkingbrisklythroughthewoodwithoutspeaking,whi stlingbetweenhisteeth,untilwithinafewminutesthetreeshadclearedandt heywerestandingbythesideofthelake. 'Ballyfaneisovertothewest.Youcan'tseeitfromhere.Thelakebro adenstothenorthonthisside,andwindsinandoutagainstthemainlandlike apatchworkquilt.Inwintertheduckflyinandsettleamongstthereeds.Inev ershootthem,though.InsummerIcomeandswimherebeforebreakfast.' Shelaghhadrecovered.Hehadgivenhertimetopullherselftogether,w

hichwasallthatmattered,andshewasgratefultohim. 'I'msorry,'shesaid,'butfrankly,whenIsawMichaelwiththespadea ndhesaidsomethingaboutagrave,Ithoughtmylastmomenthadcome.' Hestaredather,astonished.Thenhesmiled.'You'renotsohard-bitten asyouliketopretend.Thatswaggerofyoursisallbluff.' 'Partly,'sheadmitted,'butit'sanewsituationtome,beingdumpedon anislandwitharecluse.IseenowwhyIwashijacked.Youdon'twantanyonel eakingaboutyourmegalithicfindtothepress.O.K.,Iwon't.That'sapromise. ' Hedidnotanswerimmediately.Hestoodthere,strokinghischin. 'I-I'm,'hesaidafteramoment.'Well,that'sverysportingofyou.Now ,I'lltellyouwhatwe'lldo.We'llgobacktothehouse,getBobtomakeupa packedlunch,andI'lltakeyouforatourofthelake.AndIpromisenottopus hyouoverboard.' He'sonlymad,shethought,nor-nor-west.He'ssaneineveryrespectsav eforthephotograph.Butforthat...butforthephotographshewouldcomecle anatonceandtellhimthetruthaboutherself,aboutherreasonforcomingto Ballyfane.Notyet,though. Nothingcouldbemoredifferent,Shelaghdecidedseveralhourslater,th antheNickdescribedbyherfather,withachipontheshoulder,agrudgeagain sttheworld,souredbydisappointment,thanthismanwhoputhimselfouttoent ertainher,toseethatsheenjoyedeverymomentofthehoursspentinhiscompa ny.Thetwin-enginedlaunch,withasmallcabinfor'ard-notthelittlechug-chug craftinwhichMichaelhadbroughthertotheislandthedaybefore-glidedsmoo thlyacrossthelake,dodginginandoutamongstthetonguesofland,whilehep ointedouttoher,fromthehelmsman'sseat,thevariouspointsofinterestont hemainland.Thedistanthillstothewest,aruinedcastle,thetowerofananc ientabbey.Neveroncedidhealludetothereasonforhervisit,norpressher forinformationaboutherownlife.Theyatehard-boiledeggsandcoldchickens eatedsidebysideinthesmallcabin,andshekeptthinkinghowherfatherwoul dhavelovedit,howthiswouldhavebeenjusthiswayofspendingadayhadhe livedtotakethatholiday.ShecouldpicturehimandNicktogether,chaffing,s langingawayateachother,showingoff,inacurioussortofway,becauseshew asthere.Nothermother,though.Shewouldhavewreckedthewholething. 'Youknow,'shesaidinaburstofconfidence,theeffectofatotofwh iskybeforetheGuinness,'theCommanderBarryIimaginedwasn'tascraplikeyo u.' 'Whatdidyouimagine?'heasked. 'Well,becauseofyourbeingthisreclusetheytoldmeabout,Ipictured someonelivinginacastlefilledwitholdretainersandbayingwolf-hounds.Ra therabuffer.Eithergrimandveryrude,shoutingattheretainers,orterribly hearty,playingpracticaljokes.' Hesmiled.'IcanbeveryrudewhenIchoose,andIoftenshoutatBob. Astopracticaljokes...I'veplayedtheminmytime.Stilldo.HaveanotherGu inness?'Sheshookherheadandleantbackagainstthebulkhead.'Thetroublewa s,'hesaid,'thesortofjokesIplayedweremostlytoamusemyself.They'vego neoutoffashion,anyway.Idon'tsupposeyou,forinstance,everputwhitemic einyoureditor'sdesk?' Foreditor'sdesksubstitutestar'sdressing-room,shethought. 'Notwhitemice,'shereplied,'butIonceputastink-bombundermybos s'sbed.Hehoppedoutofitprettyquick,Idon'tmindtellingyou.' Manchesteritwas,andBruceneverforgaveher,either.Whathethought wasboilinguptobeadiscreetaffairbetweenthemvanishedinsmoke. 'That'swhatImeant,'hesaid.'Thebestofjokesareonlyfunforones elf.Abitofagamble,though,topickonyourboss.' 'Self-protection,'shetoldhim'Iwasboredatthethoughtofgettingi ntobedwithhim.' Hestartedtolaugh,thencheckedhimself.'Forgiveme,I'mbeinghearty .Doyouhavealotoftroublewithyoureditors?' Shepretendedtoreflect.'Italldepends.Theycanberatherdemanding.

Andifyou'reambitious,whichIam,itearnsyoupromotion.Thewholething's achore,though.I'mnotreallypermissive.' 'Meaningwhat?' 'Well,Idon'tstripdownattheflickofahat.IthastobesomeoneI like.AmIshockingyou?' 'Notintheleast.Abufferlikemyselflikestoknowhowtheyounglive .' Shereachedforacigarette.Thistimehelighteditforher. 'Thethingis,'shesaid,andshemighthavebeentalkingtoherfather afterSundaysupper,withhermothersafeintheotherroom,onlyactuallythis wasmorefun,'thethingis,Ifindsexover-rated.Menmakesuchafuss,puton eoff,allthatgroaning.Someevencry.Theonlyreasononedoesitistoclaim ascalp,likeplayingRedIndians.Thewholething'sadeadloss,inmyopinion .Butthere,I'monlynineteen.Plentyoftimetoripenup.' 'Iwouldn'tcountonit.Nineteenisgettingonabit.It'slaterthany outhink.'Herosefromthelocker,strolledovertohishelmsman'sseatandswi tchedontheengine.'Itgivesmeenormoussatisfaction,'headded,'tothinkof allthoseheadsyou'vescalped,andthegroaningthatgoesoninFleetStreet. Imustwarnmyfriendsamongstthepressthattheyhadbetterwatchout.' Shelookedupathim,startled.'Whatfriends?' Hesmiled.'Ihavemycontacts.'Heturnedthelaunchbackinthedirect ionofLambIsland,andit'sonlyamatteroftime,shetoldherself,beforehe checksmypresscredentials,discoverstheydon'texist.AsforJenniferBlair, he'dhavetocontactafairnumberoftheatremanagersbeforeoneofthemsaid, 'YoumeanthatbrilliantyoungactresstheStratfordpeoplehavebeentryingto getholdoffornextseason?' Toosoonbyfarhewasbringingthelaunchalongsidethelanding-stage-c um-boathouseofhisdomain,cunninglymaskedbythethicklyplantedtrees,Micha eltheretoreceivethem,andsherememberedherfrightofthemorning,thepart lyuncoveredmegalithiccairnintheheartofthewoodedisland. 'I'vespoiltyourday,'shesaidtoNick.'Youwereallofyouworkingo nthatsite,andwouldhavegoneonwithitbutforme.' 'Notnecessarily.Relaxationtakesvariousforms.Thediggingcanwait. Anynews,Michael?' 'Somesignalsreceived,sir,upatthehouse.Everythinginorder.' Metamorphosiswascompletebythetimetheyreachedthehouse.Thecompa nionhadbecomebrusque,alert,intentuponmattersotherthanherself.Eventhe littledogwholeaptintohisarmsassoonassheheardhermaster'svoicewas swiftlyputdownagain. 'Everyoneinthecontrol-roomforbriefinginfiveminutes,Bob,'hesai d. 'Sir.' NickturnedtoShelagh.'Youmustamuseyourself,ifyoudon'tmind.Boo ks,radio,T.V.,records,allintheroomwewereinlastnight.Ishallbebusy forseveralhours.' Severalhours...Itwasonlyjustaftersix.Wouldhisbusiness,whatev eritwas,takehimuntilnineorten?Shehadhopedforsomethingdifferent,a longintimateeveningstretchedoutinfrontofthefirewhenanythingmighthap pen. 'O.K.,'shesaidwithashrug.'I'minyourhands.I'dliketoknow,by theway,howlongyouintendtokeepmehere.Ihavecertaincommitmentsbackin London.' 'Ibetyouhave.Butthescalpingwillhavetowait.Bob,seethatMiss Blairhassometea.' Hedisappearedalongthecorridor,thedogathisheels.Sheflungherse lfdownonthesettee,sulking.Whatabore!Especiallywhenthedayhadgoneso well.Shehadnodesiretoreadorlistentorecords.Histastewouldbelikeh erfather's,oldPeterCheyney'sandJohnBuchan's,heusedtoreadthemoveran doveragain.Andmusicofthelightersort,probablySouthPacific. Thestewardbroughtinhertea,andthistimetherewerecherryjamand

scones,freshlybaked,what'smore.Shewolfedthelot.Thenshepotteredaround theroom,inspectingtheshelves.NoPeterCheyney,noJohnBuchan,endlessboo ksonIreland,whichsheexpectedanyway,Yeatsforever,Synge,A.E.,avolumeo ntheAbbeyTheatre.Thatmightbeinteresting,but,'I'mnotinthevein,'she thought,'I'mnotinthevein.'Therecordsweremostlyclassical,Mozart,Haydn ,Bach,stacksofthedamnthings.Allrightifhe'dbeenintheroomandtheyc ouldhavelistenedtogether.Thephotographonthedesksheignored.Eventogla nceatitproducedintenseirritation.Howcouldhe?Whathadheseeninher?In deed,whathadherfatherseen,forthatmatter?ButforNick,obviouslymorein tellectualthanherfatherhadeverbeen,togoroundthebendaboutsomebodyli kehermother,grantingshehadbeenprettyinherday,passedallcomprehension . 'IknowwhatI'lldo,'thoughtShelagh,'I'llgoandwashmyhair.' Itwasfrequentlyaremedywhenallelsefailed.Shewalkedalongtheco rridor,passingthedoorwiththewordsControlRoomuponit.Shecouldhearthe murmurofvoicesfromwithin.ThenNicklaughed,andshehurriedpastincaset hedooropenedandshewascaughttryingtoeavesdrop.Thedoordidopen,whens hewassafelyonherway,andglancingbackoverhershouldershesawaboycome out,oneofthosewhohadbeenhelpingtouncoverthecairnthatmorning.Sher ememberedhismopoflighthair.Hecouldn'tbemorethaneighteen.Theywereal lyoung,nowshecametothinkofit.AllexceptNickhimself,andBob.Shepass edthroughtheswing-doortoherownroomandsatdownonherbed,stunnedbya newideathathadsuddenlycometoher. Nickwasahomo.Theywereallhomos.ThatwaswhyNickhadbeensacked fromtheNavy.Herfatherhadfoundout,couldn'tpasshimforpromotion,andNi ckhadborneagrudgeeverafterwards.Perhaps,even,thedatesshehadcopiedf romthelistreferredtotimeswhenNickhadgotintotrouble.Thephotographwa sablind-homosoftentriedtocoverthemselvesbypretendingtheyweremarried. Oh,notNick...Itwastheend.Shecouldn'tbearit.Whymusttheonlyattrac tivemanshehadevermetinherlifehavetobelikeit?Goddamnandblastthe mall,strippedtothewaisttheredownbythatmegalithictomb.Theywereproba blydoingthesameintheControlRoomnow.Therewasnopointinanythinganym ore.Nosenseinhermission.Thesoonershelefttheislandandflewbackhome thebetter. Sheturnedthetapsinherwash-basin,andplungedherheadintothewat erfuriously.Eventhesoap-AegeanBlue-wasfartooexoticforanormalmantoh aveunderhisroof.Shedriedherhair,twistingthetowelrounditturbanfashi on,toreoffherjeansandputonanotherpair.Theydidn'tlookright.Shedrag gedonhertravellingskirtinstead.'ThatwillshowhimI'venodesiretogoar oundapingboys.' Therewasatapatherdoor. 'Comein,'shesaidsavagely. ItwasBob.'Excuseme,miss,theCommanderwouldliketoseeyouinthe ControlRoom.' 'I'msorry,he'llhavetowait.I'vejustwashedmyhair.' Thestewardcoughed.'Iwouldn'tadviseyou,miss,tokeeptheCommander waiting.' Hecouldnothavebeenmorecourteous,andyet...Therewassomethingi mplacableabouthissquare,stockyframe. 'Verywell,'saidShelagh.'TheCommandermustputupwithmyappearance ,that'sall.' Shestalkedalongthecorridorafterhim,thetwistedturbangivingher theappearanceofaBedouinsheik. 'Begpardon,'murmuredthesteward,andtappedonthedooroftheContro lRoom.'MissBlairtoseeyou,sir,'heannounced. Shewasreadyforanything.Youngmensprawlinginthenudeonbunks.Jo sssticksburning.Nick,asMasterofCeremonies,directingunspeakableoperatio ns.Instead,shesawthesevenyoungmenseatedroundatable,Nickatthehead ofit.Aneighthmanwassittinginthecornerwithheadphonesoverhisears.Th esevenatthetablestaredather,thenavertedtheirgaze.Nickraisedhiseye

browsbriefly,thenpickedupapieceofpaper.Sherecogniseditasthelistwi ththedatesuponitthathadbeenmissingfromhertouristguide. 'Iapologiseforinterruptingthehautecoiffure,'hesaid,'buttheseg entlemenandIwouldliketoknowthesignificanceofthesedatesthatyouwere carryinginyourtouristguide.' Obeythewell-triedmaxim.Attackisthebestformofdefence. 'ThatisexactlywhatIwouldhaveaskedyou,CommanderBarry,hadyoug rantedmeaninterview.ButIdaresayyouwouldhaveavoidedthequestion.They obviouslyhavegreatsignificanceforyou,otherwiseyourgentlemenfriendswou ldneverhavepinchedtheminthefirstplace.' 'Fairenough,'hesaid.'Whogaveyouthelist?' 'ItwaswiththeotherpaperswhichtheofficegavemewhenIwasputon tothisjob.Theywerejustpartofthebriefing.' 'YoumeantheeditorialofficeofSearchlight?' 'Yes.' 'Yourassignmentwastowriteanarticleaboutaretirednavalofficer-m yself-anddescribehowhefilledhistime,hobbies,etc?' 'That'sright.' 'Andothermembersofthestaffweretowritesimilararticlesaboutoth erex-Serviceofficers?' 'Yes.Itsoundedabrightidea.Somethingnew.' 'Well,I'msorrytospoilyourstory,butwe'vecheckedwiththeeditor ofSearchlight,andnotonlyhavetheynointentionofpublishingsuchaseries ofarticles,buttheydon'tpossessaMissJenniferBlairevenamongstthemost juniormembersoftheirstaff.' Shemighthaveknownit.Hiscontactsamongstthepress.Pityshewasn't ajournalist.Whateveritwashewastryingtohidewouldwinherafortuneif itwaspublishedinoneoftheSundaynewspapers. 'Look,'shesaid,'thisisadelicatematter.CouldIpossiblyspeakto youalone?' 'Verywell,'Nicksaid,'ifyoupreferit.' Thesevenrosetotheirfeet.Theywereatough-lookingbunch. Shesupposedthatwasthewayhelikedit. 'Ifyoudon'tmind,'Nickadded,'thewirelessoperatorhastostayath ispost.Messagesarecontinuallycomingthrough.Hewon'thearanythingyousay .' 'That'sallright,'shesaid. Thesevenyoungmenshuffledfromtheroom,andNickleantbackinhisc hair.Thebrightblueeyeneverwaveredfromherface. 'Takeaseatandfireaway,'hesaid. Shelaghsatdowninoneofthevacantseats,conscioussuddenlyofthet wistedtowelroundherhead.Itcouldhardlyaddtoherdignity.Nevermind.It washisdignityshehopedtoshatternow.Shewouldtellthetruthuptoacerta inpoint,thenimprovise,waitforhisreaction. 'TheSearchlighteditorwasperfectlyright,'shebegan,drawingadeep breath.'I'veneverworkedforthem,orforanyothermagazine.I'mnotajourna list,I'manactress,andfewpeopleonthestagehaveheardofmeeither,asye t.I'mamemberofayoungtheatregroup.Wetravelalot,andwe'vejustsuccee dedingettingourowntheatreinLondon.Ifyouwanttocheckuponthatyouca n.It'stheNewWorldTheatre,Victoria,andeverybodythereknowsJenniferBlai r.I'mbookedtoplaytheleadintheirforthcomingseriesofShakespeareancome dies.' Nicksmiled."That'smorelikeit.Congratulations.' 'Youcankeepthemfortheopeningnight,'shereplied,'whichwillbei naboutthreeweeks'time.Thedirectorandtherestofthegroupknownothinga boutthisbusiness,theydon'tevenknowI'mhereinIreland.I'mhereasthere sultofabet.' Shepaused.Thiswasthetrickypart. 'Aboy-friendofmine,nothingtodowiththetheatre,hasnavalconnect ions.Thatlistofdatescameintohishands,withyournamescribbledbesideit

.Heknewitmustsignifysomething,butdidn'tknowwhat.Wegotslightlylitu poneeveningafterdinner,andhebetmetwenty-fivequid,plusexpenses,that Iwasn'tagoodenoughactresstoposeasajournalistandbounceyouintoanin terviewjustforthehellofit.Done,Itoldhim.Andthat'swhyI'mhere.Imu stadmitIhadn'texpectedtobehi-jackedontoanislandaspartoftheexperi ence.Iwasslightlyshakenlastnighttofindthelisthadbeenpinchedfrommy touristguide.So,Itoldmyself,thenthedatesdidstandforsomethingwhich wouldn'tbearreporting.Theywereallinthe'fifties,aroundthetimeyoureti redfromtheNavy,accordingtothenavallistwhichIrantoearthinapublic library.Now,candidly,Idon'tgiveadamnwhatthosedatessignify,but,asI saidbefore,theyobviouslymeanalottoyou,andIwouldn'tmindbettingsomet hingprettyshadytoo,nottosayillegal.' Nicktiltedhischair,rockingitgentlytoandfro.Theeyeshifted,ex aminedtheceiling.Hewasevidentlyatalossforananswer,whichsuggestedhe rarrowhadscoredabull'seye. 'Itdepends,'hesaidsoftly,'whatyoucallshady.Andillegal.Opinion sdiffer.Youmightbeconsiderablyshockedbyactionsforwhichmyyoungfriend sandIfindperfectjustification.' 'I'mnoteasilyshocked,'saidShelagh. 'No,Igatheredthat.Thetroubleis,Ihavetoconvincemyassociatest hatsuchisindeedthecase.Whathappenedinthe'fiftiesdoesnotconcernthem -theywerechildrenatthetimebutwhatwedojointlytodayconcernsallofus verymuchindeed.Ifanyleakofouractionsreachedtheoutsideworldweshould ,asyourightlysurmise,findourselvesupagainstthelaw.' Hegotupandbegantostraightenthepapersonhistable.So,Shelaght hought,whateverillegalpracticesherfatherhadsuspectedNickof,hewasstil lengagedinthem,hereinIreland.SmugglingarchaeologicalfindstotheU.S.A. ?Orhadherhunchthiseveningbeencorrect?CouldNickandhisbunchoffriend sbehomosexual?Eiremadesomuchfussaboutmoralitythatanythingofthekind mightwellbeagainstthelaw.Itwasobvioushewouldn'tletonaboutittohe r. Nickwentandstoodbesidethemanwiththeheadphones,whowaswriting somethingonapad.Somemessage,shesupposed.Nickreadit,andscribbledsome thinghimselfinanswer.ThenheturnedbacktoShelagh. 'Wouldyouliketoseeusinaction?'heasked. Shewasstartled.Shehadbeenpreparedforanythingwhenshecameinto theControlRoom,buttobeaskedpointblank...'Whatdoyoumean?'sheasked defensively. Herturbanhadslippedontothefloor.Hepickeditupandhandeditto her. 'Itwouldbeanexperience,'hesaid,'youareneverlikelytohaveagai n.Youwon'thavetotakepartinit.Thedisplaywillbeatadistance.Veryst imulating.Verydiscreet.' Hewassmiling,buttherewassomethingdisconcertinginthesmile.She backedawayfromhimtowardsthedoor.Shehadasuddenvisionofherselfseated somewhereinthewoods,bythatprehistoricgrave,perhaps,unabletoescape,w hileNickandtheyoungmenperformedsomeancientandunspeakablerite. 'Quitehonestly...'shebegan,butheinterruptedher,stillsmiling. 'Quitehonestly,Iinsist.Thedisplaywillbeaneducationinitself.W eshallproceedpartofthewaybyboat,andthentaketotheroad.' Hethrewopenthedoor.Themenwerelinedupinthecorridor,Bobamong stthem. 'Noproblem,'hesaid.'MissBlairwillgivenotrouble.Actionstations .' Theybegantofileawaydownthecorridor.NicktookShelaghbythearm andpropelledhertowardstheswingdoorleadingtohisownquarters. 'Getyourcoat,andascarf,ifyouhaveone.Itmaybecold.Looksharp .' Hedisappearedintohisownroom.Whenshecameoutagainintothecorri dorhewaswaitingforher,wearingahigh-neckedjerseyandawindcheater.Hew

aslookingathiswatch. 'Comeon,'hesaid. Themenhadallvanished,exceptthesteward.Hewasstandingattheent rancetothegalleydoor,thelittledoginhisarms.'Goodluck,sir,'hesaid. 'Thankyou,Bob.TwolumpsofsugarforSkip,nomore.' Heledthewaydownthenarrowpaththroughthewoodstotheboathouse. Theengineofthelaunchwashumminggently.Therewereonlytwomenonboard,M ichaelandtheyoungmanwiththemopofhair.'Sitinthecabinandstaythere, 'NicktoldShelagh.Hehimselfmovedtothecontrols.Thelaunchbegantoslip awayacrossthelake,theislanddisappearingastern.Shelaghsoonlostdirectio n,seatedasshewasinsidethecabin.Themainlandwasadistantblur,comingc loseattimesandthenreceding,butnoneofittakingshapeunderthedarksky. Sometimes,asshepeeredthroughthesmallporthole,theypassedsoneartoab ankthatthelaunchalmostbrushedthereeds,andthenamomentafterwardsthere wasnothingbutwater,blackandstill,saveforthewhitefoamcausedbytheb ow'sthrust.Theenginewasbarelyaudible.Nobodyspoke.Presentlythegentlet hrobbingceased-Nickmusthavenosedhiscraftintoshallowwaterbesideabank. Heloweredhisheadintothecabinandheldouthishandtoher. 'Thisway.You'llgetyourfeetwet,butitcan'tbehelped.' Shecouldseenothingaroundherbutwaterandreedsandsky.Shestumbl edafterhimonthesoggyground,clingingtohishand,thefairboyjustahead, themudoozingthroughhershoes.Theywereleadingherontosomesortoftrac k.Ashapeloomedoutoftheshadows.Itlookedlikeavan,andamanshedidno trecognisewasstandingbesideit.Heopenedthevandoor.Nickgotinfirst,d raggingShelaghafterhim.Thefairboywentroundtothefrontbesidethedrive r,andthevanlurchedandlumberedupthetrackuntil,toppingwhatseemedtob earise,itcametoasmoothsurfacethatmustberoad.Shetriedtosituprigh t,andbangedherheadagainstashelfaboveher.Somethingrattledandshook. 'Keepstill,'saidNick.'Wedon'twantallthebreaddownontopofus. ' 'Bread?' Itwasthefirstwordshehadspokensinceleavingtheisland.Heflicke donalighter,andshesawthatthepartitionbetweenthemselvesandthedriver wasshut.Allaroundthemwereloavesofbread,neatlystackeduponshelves,an dcakes,pastries,confectionery,andtinnedgoodsaswell. 'Helpyourself,'hetoldher.It'sthelastmealyou'llgettonight.' Heputouthisarmandseizedaloaf,thenbrokeitintwo.Heflickedo ffthelighter,leavingthemindarknessagain.Icouldn'tbemorehelpless,she thought,ifIwereridinginahearse. 'Haveyoustolenthevan?'sheasked. 'Stolenit?WhythehellshouldIstealavan?It'sonloanfromthegro cerinMulldonagh.He'sdrivingithimself.Havesomecheese.Andaspotofthis .'Heputaflasktoherlips.Theneatspiritnearlychokedher,butgavewarmt handcourageatthesametime.'Yourfeetmustbewet.Takeyourshoesoff.And foldupyourjacketunderyourhead.Thenwecanreallygetdowntoit.' 'Downtowhat?' 'Well,we'veadriveofsomethirty-sixmilesbeforewereachtheborder .Asmoothroadalltheway.Iproposetoscalpyou.' Shewastravellingbysleeperbacktoboarding-schoolinthenorthofEn gland.Herfatherwaswavinggoodbyetoherfromtheplatform.'Don'tgo,'shec alledout,'don'teverleaveme.'Thesleeperdissolved,becameadressing-room inatheatre,andshewasstandingbeforethelooking-glassdressedasCesarioi nTwelfthNight.Sleeperanddressing-roomexploded... Shesatup,bumpedherheadontherackofloaves.Nickwasnolongerwi thher.Thevanwasstationary.Somethinghadawakenedher,though,fromtotalb lackout-theymusthaveburstatyre.Shecouldseenothinginthedarknessofth evan,noteventhefaceofherwatch.Timedidnotexist.It'sbodychemistry, shetoldherself,that'swhatdoesit.People'sskins.Theyeitherblendorthey don't.Theyeithermergeandmeltintothesametexture,dissolveandbecomere newed,ornothinghappens,likefaultyplugs,blownfuses,switchboardjams.Whe

nthethinggoesright,asithasformetonight,thenit'sarrowssplinteringt hesky,it'sforestfires,it'sAgincourt.IshalllivetillI'mninety-five,ma rrysomeniceman,havefifteenchildren,winstageawardsandOscars,butnever againwilltheworldbreakintofragments,burnbeforemyeyes.I'vebloodyhad it.... Thevandooropenedandarushofcoldairblewinuponher.Theboywit hthemopofhairwasgrinningather. 'TheCommandersaysifyou'refondoffireworkscomeandtakealook.It 'salovelysight.' Shestumbledoutofthevanafterhim,rubbinghereyes.Theyhadparked besideaditch,andbeyondtheditchwasafield,ariversurelyrunningthroug hit,buttheforegroundwasdark.Shecoulddistinguishlittleexceptwhatseem edtobefarmbuildingsaroundabendintheroad.Theskyinthedistancehada norangeglowasifthesun,insteadofsettinghoursago,hadriseninthenort h,puttingalltimetoodds,whiletonguesofflameshotupwards,mergingwithp illarsofblacksmoke.Nickwasstandingbythedriver'sseat,thedriverhimsel falongside,bothofthemstaringatthesky.Amuffledvoicewasspeakingfrom aradiofixedneartothedashboard. 'Whatisit?'sheasked.'What'shappening'?' Thedriver,amiddle-agedmanwithafurrowedface,turnedtoher,smili ng. 'It'sArmaghburning,orthebestpartofit.Butthere'llbenodamage donetothecathedral.StPatrick'swillstandwhentherestofthetownisblac k.' Theyoungmanwiththemopofhairhadbenthiseartotheradio.Hestr aightenedhimself,touchedNickonthearm. 'FirstexplosionhasgoneoffatOmagh,sir,'hesaid.'Weshouldhavet hereportonStrabaneinthreeminutes'time.Enniskilleninfive.' 'Fairenough,'repliedNick.'Let'sgo.' HebundledShelaghbackintothevanandclimbedinbesideher.Thevan sprangintoaction,didaU-turn,andspedalongtheroadoncemore. 'Imighthaveknownit,'shesaid.'Ishouldhaveguessed.Butyouhadm efooledwithyourcairnsinthewoodandallthatcover-up.' 'Itisn'tacover-up.I'veapassionfordigging.ButIloveexplosions too.' Heofferedheranipfromtheflaskbutsheshookherhead.'You'reamu rderer.Helplesspeopleawaythereburningintheirbeds,womenandchildrendyi ngperhapsinhundreds.''Dyingnothing,'hereplied.'They'llbeoutinthestr eetsapplauding.Youmustn'tbelieveMurphy.Helivesinadreamworld.Thetown ofArmaghwillhardlyfeelit.Awarehouseortwomaysmoulder,withlucktheb arracks.' 'Andtheotherplacestheboymentioned?' 'Afireworkdisplay.Veryeffective.' Itwasallsoobviousnow,thinkingbacktothatlastconversationwith herfather.Hehadbeenontoitallright.Dutybeforefriendship.Loyaltytoh iscountryfirst.NowonderthepairofthemhadstoppedexchangingChristmasca rds. Nicktookanapplefromtheshelfaboveandbegantomunchit.'So...' hesaid,'you'reabuddingactress.' 'Buddingistheoperativeword.' 'Ohcome,don'tbemodest.You'llgofar.Youtrickedmealmostasneatl yasItrickedyou.Allthesame,I'mnotsureIquiteswallowtheoneaboutthe friendwithnavalconnections.Tellmehisname.' 'Iwon't.Youcankillmefirst.' ThankheavenforJenniferBlair.ShewouldnothavestoodachanceasSh elaghMoney. 'Ohwell,'hesaid,'itdoesn'tmatter.It'sallpasthistorynow.' 'Thenthedatesdidmakesensetoyou?' 'Verygoodsense,butwewereamateursinthosedays.June5,1951,ara idonEbringtonBarracks,Derry.Quiteasuccess.June25,1953,FelsteadSchool

Officers'TrainingCorps,Essex.Bitofamix-up.June12,1954,GoughBarracks ,Armagh.Nothingmuchgained,butgoodformorale.October17,1954,OmaghBarr acks.Broughtussomerecruits.April24,1955,EglingtonNavalAirBaseatDerr y.H'm...Nocomment.August13,1955,ArborfieldDepot,Berkshire.Initialsuc cess,butapropercock-uplater.Afterthat,everyonehadtodoalotofhomewo rk.' TherewasanItalianoperabyPucciniwithasonginit,'0!mybeloved father'.Italwaysmadehercry.Anyway,shethought,whereveryouare,darling, inyourastralbody,don'tblamemeforwhatI'vedone,andmayverywelldoag ainbeforethenightisover.Itwasonewaytosettleyourlastrequest,though youwouldn'thaveapprovedofthemethod.Butthen,youhadhighidealsandIh avenone.Andwhathappenedinthosedayswasnotmyproblem.Myproblemismuch morebasic,muchmoredirect.I'vefallenhook,lineandsinkerforyouronetim efriend. 'Politicsleavemecold,'shesaid.'What'sthepointofbangingoffbom bsandupsettingeveryone'slives?YouhopeforaunitedIreland?' 'Yes,'hereplied,'sodoweall.Itwillcomeeventually,thoughitmay bedullforsomeofuswhenitdoes.TakeMurphy,now.Noexcitementindriving agrocer'svanaroundthecountrysideandbeinginbedbynine.Thissortofth ingkeepshimyoung.Ifthat'stobehisfutureinaunitedIrelandhe'lldiebe forehisseventiethbirthday.Isaidtohimlastweekwhenhecametotheisland forbriefing,"Johnnie'stooyoung"-Johnnie'shisson,theboysittingbesideh iminfrontnow"Johnnie'stooyoung,"Itoldhim."Maybeweshouldn'tlethimr iskhislifeyetawhile.""Riskbedamned,"saysMurphy."It'stheonlywaytok eepaladoutoftrouble,withtheworldinthestateitistoday."' 'You'reallofyouravingmad,'saidShelagh.'I'llfeelsaferwhenwe'r ebackacrossyoursideoftheborder.' 'Mysideoftheborder?'herepeated.'Wenevercrossedit.Whatdoyou takemefor?I'vedonesomedamnfoolthingsinmytime,butIwouldn'tbounceab outinagrocer'svaninhostileterritory.Iwantedyoutoseethefun,that's all.Actually,I'monlyaconsultantthesedays."AskCommanderBarry,"somebody says,"hemayhaveasuggestionortwotomake,"andIcomeinfromclearingca irnsorwritinghistory,andgetcrackingontheshortwave.Itkeepsmeyoungi nheart,likeMurphy.'Hebeganpullingdownsomeoftheloavesfromtherackan dsettlingthemunderhishead.'That'sbetter.Givesmesupportformyneck.I oncemadelovetoagirlwithmybacksideagainstaheapofhand-grenades,butI wasyoungerthen.Girlneverfluffed.Thoughttheywereturnips.' Ohno,shethought.Notagain.Ican'ttakeanymorejustyet.Thebattl e'sover,won.I'llsueforpeace.AllIwanttodonowistolielikethis,wit hmylegsthrownacrosshiskneesandmyheadonhisshoulder.Thisissafety. 'Don't,'shesaid. 'Ohreally?Nostamina?' 'Staminanothing,I'msufferingfromshock.Ishallsmoulderfordays,l ikeyourbarracksinArmagh.Bytheway,IbelongbyrightstotheProtestantno rth.Mygrandfatherwasbornthere.' 'Washe,indeed?Thatexplainseverything.YouandIhavealove-hatere lationship.It'salwaysthesamewithpeoplewhoshareacommonborder.Attracti onandantagonismmixed.Verypeculiar.' 'Idaresayyou'reright.' 'OfcourseI'mright.WhenIlostmyeyeinthecarcrashIhadletters ofsympathyfromdozensofpeopleacrosstheborderwhowouldgladlyhaveseenm edead.' 'Howlongwereyouinhospital?' 'Sixweeks.Plentyoftimetothink.Andplan.' Now,shethought.Thisisthemoment.Gocarefully,watchyourstep. 'Thatphotograph,'shesaid,'thatphotographonyourdesk.It'saphone y,isn'tit?' Helaughed.'Ohwell,ittakesanactresstospotdeception.Athrowback tothedaysofpracticaljokes.ItmakesmesmilewheneverIlookatit,that's whyIkeepitonmydesk.I'veneverbeenmarried,Iinventedthattaleonthe

spurofthemomentforyourbenefit.' 'Tellmeaboutit.' Heshiftedpositiontoensuregreatercomfortforbothofthem. 'TherealbridegroomwasJackMoney,averyclosefriend.Isawhedied theotherday,Iwassorryforit.We'dbeenoutoftouchforyears.Anyway,Iw ashisbestman.Whentheysentmeaprintofthewedding-groupIswitchedtheh eadsroundandsentacopytoJack.Helaughedhisheadoff,butPam,hiswife, wasnotamused.Outraged,infact.Hetoldmeshetorethethingupandthrewth epiecesinthewaste-paperbasket.' Shewould,thoughtShelagh,shewould.Ibetshedidn'tevensmile. 'Igotmyownback,though,'hesaid,movingoneoftheloavesfromunde rhishead.'Idroppedinonthemoneeveningunexpectedly.Jackwasoutatsome officialdinner.Pamreceivedmeratherungraciously,soImixedthemartinise xtrastrong,andhadarough-and-tumblewithheronthesofa.Shegiggledabit, thenpassedoutcold.Iupsetallthefurnituretolookasifacyclonehadhit thehouse,andcarriedheruptoherbedanddumpedherthere.Onherown,Ima yadd.She'dforgottenallaboutitbythemorning.' Shelaghlaybackagainsthisshoulderandstaredattheroofofthevan. 'Iknewit,'shesaid. 'Knewwhat?' 'Thatyourgenerationdidperfectlyrevoltingthings.Farworsethanus. Underyourbestfriend'sroof.Itmakesmesicktothinkofit.' 'Whatanextraordinarystatement,'hesaid,astonished.'Noonewasever thewiser,sowhatthehell?IwasdevotedtoJackMoney,althoughhedidbogm ychancesofpromotionshortlyafterwards,butforadifferentreason.Heonlya ctedaccordingtohislights.ThoughtImightputaspokeintheslowly-grinding wheelsofnavalintelligence,Ipresume,andhewasbloodyright.' NowIcan'ttellhim.It'sjustnoton.EitherIgobacktoEnglandbatt eredanddefeated,orIdon'tgoatall.He'sdeceivedmyfather,deceivedmymo ther(serveherright),deceivedtheEnglandhefoughtforforsomanyyears,ta rnishedtheuniformhewore,degradedhisrank,spendshistimenow,andhasdon eforthepasttwentyyears,tryingtosplitthiscountrywiderapartthanever, andIjustdon'tcare.Letthemwrangle.Letthemblowthemselvestopieces.Le tthewholeworldgoupinsmoke.I'llwritehimabread-and-butterletterfrom Londonsaying,'Thanksfortheride,'andsignitShelaghMoney.Orelse...or elseI'llgodownonallfourslikethelittledogwhofollowshimandleapson hislap,andbegtostaywithhimforever. 'IstartrehearsingViolainafewdays'time,'shesaid."Myfatherhad adaughterlovedaman..."' 'You'lldoitverywell.EspeciallyCesario.Concealmentlikeawormin thebudwillfeedonyourdamaskcheek.Youmaypineinthought,butIdoubtwit hagreenandyellowmelancholy.' MurphydidanotherU-turnandtheloavesrattled.HowmanymilestoLoug hTorrah?Don'tletitend. 'Thetroubleis,'shesaid,'Idon'twanttogohome.It'snothometom eanymore.NordoIcaretwostrawsfortheTheatreGroup,TwelfthNight,oran ythingelse.YoucanhaveCesario.' 'Icanindeed.' 'No...WhatImeanis,I'mwillingtochuckthestage,giveupmyEngli shstatus,burnallmybloodyboats,andcomeandthrowbombswithyou.' 'What,becomearecluse?' 'Yes,please.' 'Absurd.You'dbeyawningyourheadoffafterfivedays.''Iwouldnot. ..Iwouldnot...' 'Thinkofallthatapplauseyou'llbegettingsoon.Viola-Cesarioisac inch.Itellyouwhat.Iwon'tsendyouflowersforyouropeningnight,I'llsen dyoumyeye-shade.Youcanhangitupinyourdressing-roomtobringyouluck.' Iwanttoomuch,shethought.Iwanteverything.Iwantdayandnight,a rrowsandAgincourt,sleepingandwaking,worldwithoutend,amen.Someonewarne dheroncethatitwasfataltotellamanyoulovedhim.Theykickedyououtof

bedforthwith.PerhapsNickwouldkickheroutofMurphy'svan. 'WhatIreallywant,'shesaid,'deepdown,isstillness,safety.Thefe elingyou'dalwaysbethere.Iloveyou.IthinkImusthavelovedyouwithoutk nowingitallmylife.' 'Ah!'hesaid.'Who'sgroaningnow?' Thevandrewup,stopped.Nickcrawledforward,threwopenthedoors.Mu rphyappearedattheentrance,hisfurrowedfacewreathedinsmiles. 'IhopeIdidn'tshakeyouabouttoomuch,'hesaid.'Thesideroadsare notalltheyshouldbe,astheCommanderknows.Themainthingisthattheyoun gladyshouldhaveenjoyedherouting.' Nickjumpeddownontotheroad.MurphyputouthishandandhelpedShel aghtoalight. 'You'rewelcometocomeagain,mydear,anytimeyoulike. It'swhatItelltheEnglishtouristswhentheyvisitus.Thingsaremor elivelyherethanwhattheyareacrossthewater.' Shelaghlookedaroundher,expectingtoseethelake,andthebumpytrac knearthereedswheretheyhadleftMichaelwiththeboat.Instead,theyweres tandinginthemainstreetofBallyfane.ThevanwasparkedoutsidetheKilmore Arms.SheturnedtoNick,herface'aquestion-mark.Murphywasknockingonthe hoteldoor. 'Twentyminutes'moredrivingtime,butworthit,'saidNick.'Atleast forme,andIhopeforyouaswell.Farewellsshouldbesharpandsweet,don'ty ouagree?There'sDohertyatthedoor,socutalongin.Ihavetogetbacktoba se.' Desolationstruck.Hecouldnotmeanit.Hesurelydidnotexpectherto saygoodbyeonthesideofthestreet,withMurphyandhissonhovering,andth elandlordattheentranceofthehotel? 'Mythings,'shesaid,'mycase.They'reontheisland,inthebedroomt here.' 'Notso,'hetoldher.'OperationCbroughtthembacktotheKilmoreArm swhilewewerejunketingaboutontheborder.'Desperatelyshefoughtfortime, pridenon-existent. 'Why?'sheasked.'Why?' 'Becausethat'sthewayitis,Cesario.IsacrificethelambthatIdol ovetospitemyownravenheart,whichaltersthetextabit.' Hepushedherinfrontofhimtowardsthedoorofthehotel.'Lookafter MissBlair,Tim.Theexercisewentwell,byallaccounts.MissBlairistheonl ycasualty.' Hehadgone,andthedoorhadclosedbehindhim.MrDohertylookedathe rwithsympathy. 'TheCommanderisagreatoneforhustle.It'salwaysthesame.Iknoww hatitistobeinhiscompany,heseldomletsup.I'veputathermosofhotmil kbesideyourbed.' Helimpedupthestairsbeforeher,andthrewopenthedoorofthebedro omshehadquittedtwonightsearlier.Hersuitcasewasonthechair.Bagandma psonthedressing-table.Shemightneverhaveleftit.'Yourcarhasbeenwashe dandfilledupwithpetrol,'hecontinued.'Afriendofminehasitinhisgara ge.He'llbringitroundforyouinthemorning.Andthere'snochargeforyour stay.TheCommanderwillsettleforeverything.Justyougettobednowandhave agoodnight'srest.' Agoodnight'srest....Alongnight'smelancholy.Comeaway,comeaway, death,andinsadcypressletmebelaid.Shethrewopenthewindowandlooked outuponthestreet.Drawncurtainsandblinds,shutteredwindows.Theblack-and -whitecatmewingfromthegutteropposite.Nolake,nomoonlight. 'Thetroublewithyouis,Jinnie,youwon'tgrowup.Youliveinadream worldthatdoesn'texist.That'swhyyouoptedforthestage.'Herfather'svoi ce,indulgentbutfirm.'Oneofthesedays,'headded,'you'llcometowithash ock.' Itwasraininginthemorning,misty,grey.Better,perhaps,likethis, shethought,thangoldenbrightlikeyesterday.BettertogooffinthehiredAu

stinwithwindscreenwipersslashingfromsidetoside,andthenwithluckImig htskidandcrashinaditch,becarriedtohospital,becomedelirious,clamour forhimtocome.Nickkneelingatthebedside,holdingherhandandsaying,'All myfault,Ishouldneverhavesentyouaway.' Thelittlemaidwaswaitingforherinthedining-room.Friedegg-and-ba con.Apotoftea.Thecat,comeinfromthegutter,purredatherfeet.Perhaps thetelephonewouldring,andamessagewouldflashfromtheislandbeforeshe left.'OperationDputintoeffect.Theboatiswaitingforyou.'Possibly,ifs hehoveredaboutinthehall,somethingwouldhappen.Murphywouldappearinhis van,oreventhepostmasterO'Reillywithafewwordsscribbledonapieceofp aper.Herluggagewasdown,though,andtheAustinwasinthestreetoutside.Mr Dohertywaswaitingtosaygoodbye. 'IhopeIshallhavethepleasure,'hesaid,'ofwelcomingyoutoBallyf aneagain.You'denjoythefishing.' WhenshecametothesignpostpointingtoLakeTorrahshestoppedtheca randwalkeddownthemuddiedtrackinthepouringrain.Oneneverknew,theboa tmightbethere.Shecametotheendofthetrackandstoodthereamoment,loo kingoutacrossthelake.Itwasshroudeddeepinmist.Shecouldbarelyseethe outlineoftheisland.Aheronrosefromthereedsandflappeditswayoverthe water.Icouldtakeoffallmythingsandswim,shethought.Icouldjustabout makeit,exhausted,almostdrowned,andstaggerthroughthewoodstothehouse andfallathisfeetontheverandah.'Bob,comequick!It'sMissBlair.Ithink she'sdying...' Sheturned,walkedbackupthetrackandgotintothecar.Startedthee ngine,andthewindscreenwipersbeganthrashingtoandfro. WhenthatIwasandalittletinyboy, Withhey,ho,thewindandtherain, Afoolishthingwasbutatoy, Fortherainitrainetheveryday. ItwasstillrainingwhenshearrivedatDublinairport.Firstshehadt ogetridofthecar,thenbookaseatonthefirstavailable'planetoLondon. Shedidnothavelongtowaittherewasaflighttakingoffwithinthenexthalf -hour.Shesatinthedepartureloungewithhereyesfixedonthedoorleadingb acktothereceptionhall,forevennowamiraclemighttakeplace,thedoorswi ngopen,alankyfigurestandthere,hatless,blackpatchoverhislefteye.He wouldbrushpastofficials,comestraighttowardsher.'Nomorepracticaljokes. Thatwasthelast.ComebackwithmetoLambIslandrightaway.' Herflightwascalled,andShelaghshuffledthroughwiththerest,here yessearchingherfellow-travellers.Walkingacrossthetarmacsheturnedtosta reatthespectatorswavinggoodbye.Someonetallinamackintoshheldahandker chiefinhishand.Nothim-hestoopedtopickupachild....Meninovercoatsta kingoffhats,puttingdispatch-casesontherackoverhead,anyoneofthemcoul dhavebeen,wasnot,Nick.Supposing,asshefastenedhersafety-belt,ahandc ameoutfromtheseatinfrontofher,ontheaisle,andsherecognisedthesign et-ringonthelittlefinger?Whatifthemanhumpedthereintheveryfrontsea tshecouldjustseethetopofhisslightlybaldingheadshouldsuddenlyturn, blackpatchforemost,andstareinherdirection,thenbreakintoasmile? 'Pardon.' Alatecomersqueezedinbesideher,treadingonhertoes.Sheflashedhi malook.Blacksquashhat,spottyfaced,pale,thefagendofacigarbetweenh islips.Somewoman,somewhere,hadloved,wouldlove,thisunhealthybrute.Her stomachturned.Heopenedanewspaperwide,jerkingherelbow.Headlinesglared . 'ExplosionsAcrosstheBorder.AreThereMoretoCome?' Asecretglowofsatisfactionwarmedher.Plentymore,shethought,and goodlucktothem.Isawit,Iwasthere,Iwaspartoftheshow.Thisidiotsit tingbesidemedoesn'tknow. LondonAirport.Customscheck.'Haveyoubeenonholiday,andforhowlo ng?'Wasitherimagination,ordidtheCustomsOfficergiveheraparticularly

searchingglance?Hechalkedhercaseandturnedtothenextinline. Carsshotpastthebusasitlumberedthroughthetraffictothetermina l.Aircraftroaredoverhead,takingotherpeopleawayandoutofit.Menandwom enwithdrab,tiredexpressionswaitedonpavementsforredtochangetogreen. Shelaghwasgoingbacktoschoolwithavengeance.Nottopeeratthenoticeboa rdinthedraughtyassembly-hall,shouldertoshoulderwithgigglingcompanions, buttoexamineanotherboard,verysimilar,hangingonthewallbesidethestag edoor.Not,'HaveIreallygottosharearoomwithKatieMatthewsthisterm?I t'stoofranticforwords',andsmilingfalsely,'Hullo,Katie,yes,wonderfulh ols,super',butwanderinginsteadintothatratherpokycubby-holetheycalled thedressing-roomatthebottomofthestairs,andfindingthatinfuriatingOlga Bretthoggingthemirror,usingShelagh'soroneoftheothergirls'lipsticki nsteadofherown,anddrawling,'Hullo,darling,you'relateforrehearsal,Ada mistearinghishairoutinhandfuls.Butliterally...' UselesstoringuphomefromtheairterminalandaskMrsWarrenthegar dener'swifetomakeupherbed.Homewasbarren,empty,withoutherfather.Hau nted,too,histhingsuntouched,hisbooksonthebedsidetable.Amemory,asha dow,notthelivingpresence.Bettergostraighttotheflat,likeadogtoafa miliarkennelsmellingonlyofitsownstraw,untouchedbyitsmaster'shands. ShelaghwasnotlateatthefirstrehearsalontheMondaymorning,shew asearly. 'Anylettersforme?' 'Yes,MissBlair,apostcard.' Onlyapostcard?Shesnatcheditup.ItwasfromhermotheratCapd'Ail .'Weatherwonderful.Feelingsomuchbetter,reallyrested.Hopeyouaretoo,d arling,andthatyouhadanicelittletripinyourcarwhereveritwas.Don'te xhaustyourselfrehearsing.AuntBellasendsherloveandsodoReggieandMayH illsborough,whoarehereontheiryachtatMonteCarlo.YourlovingMum.'(Regg iewasthefifthViscountHillsborough.) Shelaghdroppedthepostcardintoawaste-paperbasketandwentdownon tothestagetomeetthegroup.Aweek,tendays,afortnight,nothingcame.She hadgivenuphope.Shewouldneverhearfromhim.Thetheatremusttakeover,b ecomemeatanddrink,loveandsustenance.ShewasneitherShelaghnorJinnie,s hewasViola-Cesario,andmustmove,think,dreamincharacter.Herewasheronl ycure,stampoutallelse.ShetriedtogetRadioEireonhertransistorbutit didnotsucceed.ThevoiceoftheannouncermighthavesoundedlikeMichael's, likeMurphy's,androusedsomesortoffeelingotherthanatotalvoid.Soonwi ththedamnedmotley,anddrowndespair. Olivia.WheregoesCesario? Viola.AfterhimIlove, MorethanIlovetheseeyes,morethanmylife... AdamVane,crouchinglikeablackcatatthesideofthestage,hishorn -rimmedglassesbalancedonhisstragglinghair,'Don'tpause,dear,that'svery good,verygoodindeed.' Onthedayofthedressrehearsalshelefttheflatingoodtime,pickin gupataxienrouteforthetheatre.TherewasajamatthecornerofBelgrave Square,carshooting,peoplehangingaboutonthepavement,mountedpolicemen.S helaghopenedtheglasspanelbetweenherselfandthedriver. 'What'sgoingon?'sheasked.'I'minahurry,Ican'taffordtobelate .' Hegrinnedbackatheroverhisshoulder.'Demonstration,'hesaid,'out sidetheIrishEmbassy.Didn'tyouheartheoneo'clocknews?Moreexplosionson theborder.Itlooksasifit'sbroughttheLondon-Ulstercrowdoutinforce.T heymusthavebeenthrowingstonesattheembassywindows.' Fools,shethought.Wastingtheirtime.Goodjobifthemountedpolicer idethemdown.Sheneverlistenedtotheoneo'clocknews,andshehadn'teveng lancedatthemorningpaper.Explosionsontheborder,NickintheControlRoom, theyoungmanwiththeheadphonesoverhisears,Murphyinthevan,andI'mher einataxidrivingtomyownshow,myownfireworks,andafterit'sovermyfri

endswillcrowdroundmesaying,'Wonderful,darling,wonderful!' Thehold-uphadputhertimingout.Shearrivedatthetheatretofindt heatmosphereamixtureofexcitement,confusion,last-minutepanic.Nevermind, shecouldcope.HerfirstsceneasViolaover,shetorebacktothedressing-ro omtochangetoCesario.'Oh,getout,can'tyou?Iwanttheplacetomyself.'T hat'sbetter,shethought,nowI'mincontrol.I'mthebossaroundthisplace,o rverysoonwillbe.OffwithViola'swig,abrushtoherownshorthair.Onwit hthebreeches,onwiththehose.Capesetonmyshoulders.Daggerinmybelt.T henatapatthedoor.Whatthehellnow? 'Whoisit?'shecalled. 'Apacketforyou,MissBlair.It'scomeexpress.' 'Oh,throwitdown.' Lastminutetouchtoeyes,thenstandback,takealastlook,you'lldo, you'lldo.They'llallbeshoutingtheirheadsofftomorrownight.Sheglanced awayfromthemirror,downtothepacketonthetable.Asquare-shapedenvelope. Itborethepost-markEire.Herheartturnedover.Shestoodthereamomenthol dingitinherhands,thentoretheenvelopeopen.Aletterfellout,andsometh inghard,betweencardboard.Sheseizedtheletterfirst. DearJinnie, I'mofftotheU.S.inthemorningtoseeapublisherwhohasfinallysh owninterestinmyscholarlyworks,stonecircles,ringforts,EarlyBronzeAge inIreland,etc.,etc.,butIspareyou...Ishallprobablybeawayforsomemo nths,andyoucanreadinyourglossymagazinesaboutaone-timereclusespoutin ghisheadoffinuniversitiestotheAmericanyoung.Inpointoffactitsuits mewelltobeoutofthecountryforawhile,whatwithonethingandanother,a stheysay. Ihavebeenburningsomeofmypapersbeforeleaving,andcameacrossth eenclosedphotographamongstapileofjunkinthebottomdrawerofmydesk.I thoughtitmightamuseyou.YoumayrememberItoldyouthatfirsteveningyour emindedmeofsomeone.Iseenowthatitwasmyself!TwelfthNightwasthebond. Goodluck,Cesario,andhappyscalping. Love,Nick. AmericaFromherviewpointitmightjustaswellbeMars.Shetookthep hotographoutofitscardboardcoversandlookedatit,frowning.Anotherpracti caljoke?ButshehadneverhadaphotographtakenofherselfasViola-Cesario, sohowcouldhehavepossiblyfakedthis?Hadhesnappedherwhenshewasn'tawa reofit,thenplacedtheheadonothershoulders?Impossible.Sheturneditove r.Hehadwrittenacrosstheback,'NickBarryasCesarioinTwelfthNight.Dart mouth.1929.' Shelookedatthephotographagain.Hernose,herchin,thecockyexpres sion,headtip-tiltedintheair.Eventhestance,handonhip.Thethickcroppe dhair.Suddenlyshewasnotstandinginthedressing-roomatallbutinherfat her'sbedroom,besidethewindow,andsheheardhimmove,andsheturnedtolook athim.Hewasstaringather,anexpressionofhorroranddisbeliefuponhisf ace.Itwasnotaccusationshehadreadinhiseyes,butrecognition.Hehadawa kenedfromnonightmare,butfromadreamthathadlastedtwentyyears.Dying,h ediscoveredtruth. Theywereknockingatthedooragain.'CurtaincomingdownonSceneThre einfourminutes'time,MissBlair.' Shewaslyinginthevan,hisarmsaroundher.'Pamgiggledabit,then passedoutcold.She'dforgottenallaboutitbythemorning.' Shelaghraisedhereyesfromthephotographshewasholdinginherhand andstaredatherselfinthemirror. 'Ohno...'shesaid.'Oh,Nick...OhmyGod!' Thenshetookthedaggerfromherbeltandstabbeditthroughthefaceo ftheboyinthephotograph,rippingitapart,throwingthepiecesintothewast e-paperbasket.AndwhenshewentbackontothestageitwasnotfromtheDuke' spalaceinIllyriathatshesawherselfmovinghenceforth,withpaintedbackclo thbehindherandpaintedboardsbeneathherfeet,butoutintoastreet,anyst reet,wheretherewerewindowstobesmashedandhousestoburn,andstonesand