ZONDERVAN Women Are Scary Copyright © 2015 by Melanie Dale
This title is also available as a Zondervan ebook . Visit www.zondervan.com/ www.zondervan .com/ebooks. ebooks. Requests for information should be addressed to: Sp arks Dr. D r. SE, Grand Rapids, Rapi ds, Michigan Mi chigan 49546 4 9546 Zondervan, 3900 Sparks ISBN 978-0-310-34105-5 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® . Copyright Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 , 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. In order to protect the poor moms who are stuck on fourth base with me, I have changed their names to companions from Doctor Who: Rose, Martha, Donna, Amy, Rory, River, River, and Clara. I don’t don’ t want to out them publicly and end up back on first, and a nd my love for them transcends time and regenerations. Any internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an a n endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book. All rights reserved. No part par t of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy,, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without copy the prior permission of the publisher. Cover design: James Hall Interior illustration: Alex Dale and Greg Johnson Interior design: Kait Lamphere
First printing January 2015 2 015 / Printed in the United States of America
CONENS
1. 2. 3.
A Complete Lobotomy of the Hear Heartt Women Are Sca Scary ry he Base Basess of Momlationships
9 14 20
Part 1 FIRST BASE 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.
Mom-Date Virgin rolli rolling ng for Moms Smalll al Smal alkk for Smal Smalll- al alkk Haters Mom Monster Monsterss A otal otally ly Judgmental Zit
27 31 37 46 53
Part 2 SECOND BASE
9. 10. 11. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.
Dating on the SpaceSpace-ime ime Continuum he Group Date Moms Can Chan Change ge the World How Not to Choke on Your Own Foot Wield Your Weirdness Like a Boss One Sock Short of a Pair Overly Intens Intensee Eye Conta Contact ct
65 72 77 84 90 98 102
Part 3 THIRD BASE 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
It’s About to Get Rea It’s Reall he Superp Superpower ower of Init Initiati iating ng Navigating Navigati ng Your Child Child’’s Socia Sociall Awkward Awkwardness ness Dating Dat ing (W (When hen You’ ou’re) re) a “Working Mom” he Anatomy of a Full-Fron Full-Fronta tall Hug
109 112 118 126 133 13 3
Part 4 FOURTH BASE 21. 22. 23. 24. 25.. 25
Fourth-Ba sers, the Ultimate Friends Fourth-Basers, Cranking Cran king Out a Mom Date If It Ki Kills lls You Praying for a Bromance Rekindli Rek indling ng the Momlationship Going Long Dista Distance nce
143 152 160 164 171
Part 5 (NOT QUITE) HOME FREE 26. 27.. 27 28.
Brea king Up Is Hard to Do: he Phaseout Breaking Breaking Brea king Up Is Hard to Do: he Confrontation When You Want to Mow Her Down with Your Your Minivan Miniva n 29. How to Get Your Mojo Bac Backk 30. Screw Your Coura Courage ge 31. he Mother Network 32. Wh What at the World Needs Now
179 186 197 205 213 220 224
Acknowledgments Acknowledg ments
231 23 1
Resources Resourc es for Moms
233
|| CHAPTER 1 ||
A Co Comp mple lete te Lob obot otom omyy of the Heart Principal: “At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational ra tional thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have From Billy Madison 1 mercy mer cy on your you r soul. soul .”
I’m going to need a hug before I get started. I’m about to tell you about my relationships relat ionships wit with h women, but I’m not completely all that terrific at small talk, so can we skip ahead together and pretend like we’ve known each other ot her for a while? Come over here here and hug it out. Okay.. Thanks Okay Than ks for that. t hat. When W hen we f in inal ally ly broug brought ht ou ourr El Elliot liottt home fr from om neonat neonatal al intensive care and my husband had the gall to go back to work and leave me alone with our four-pound floppy baby, I felt overwhelmed. I’m not the only one, right? 9
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Young mothers are shr Young shriveli iveling ng up into cr crust ustyy dr dried ied rai raisins sins of despair. Every minute feels like forever when your two-year-old wants to put on her own ow n sock sockss and your five five-year-year-old old won’t get in the bathtub. When you’re a mom, you spend hours and hours sitting with other moms while your kids kick a soccer ball, learn how to blow blow bubbles bubbles in the t he pool, and shake maracas maraca s at music class. You Y ou bat eyes e yes at each other ot her and glance away away.. It’s awkward awkwa rd and a nd someone always needs a diaper change and no one ever knows what to say. A nd most of us are fr frazzle azzled d and lonely lonely,, isolate isolated d in our minivans, schlepping bags, strollers, and munchkins to and fro across town. I believe that t hat we are better bet ter together. We We make each other ot her better moms, better humans. We need each other, because mothering is just too darn hard. Women Are Scary is Scary is our journey to each other, to finding our people and being other people’s people, to learning how to bless each other and not destroy each other. I believe that we are better together. We make each other better moms, better humans.
My Lumpy, Bumpy Road I’m the least likely person to write a book about motherhood. For years, I didn’t want to be a mom. My boyfriend and I almost broke up because of it. I have the most amazing parents in the universe. Ever. My mother stayed at home with my brother and me, and she could do it all. Baked goods greeted us when we came home from school. She was room mom, made homemade dinners every night, and we always a lways had folded, clean c lean clothes. W hen I was wr wracked acked out in pain every month because, unbeknownst to me, endometriosis was kill k illing ing my fertil fert ility, ity, she she held my my hand, brought me me meds, and whispered whi spered to me to th thin inkk of my toes. Think of your toes, sweetie. Relax your toes . My mom mom gave ever everyt ything hing she had to be a superhero to us, and
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even so, we treated her like crap. Despite her self-sacrifice and outpouring of unconditional love, we took her for granted, took advantage of her, took her cookies and ran. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t handle the sacrifice. I told him, “I’ll have kids if I can be the dad. I don’t want to be the mom.” I could never live up to my mom, and my kids deserved nothing less. So I just wouldn’t have them. “I’ll have kids if I can be the dad. I don’t do n’t want to be the t he mom. mo m.”
We almost ended it We it there, but we were in love and total total idiots. Wee decided to table the W t he discu d iscussion ssion and keep sw swing ing danci dancing ng and watching Fletch watching together.. A few years later, we got married, marr ied, and a Fletch together few years after that, I felt the oddest urge to do the mom thing, like maybe mayb e the baby wouldn’t wouldn’t start star t rejecting rejecti ng me right when it it came out. Like maybe the first fir st few years might be worth worth it. Like maybe even if I wasn’ was n’tt as good a mom as my mom, maybe may be I could be b e good enough. I found myself experiencing a complete lobotomy of the heart. I wanted a baby. I really, really wanted to be a mom. Then I discovered disc overed I couldn’t. couldn’t. Every year that crept by felt like twelve deaths. I rode a monthly merry-go-round of up-up-up hope, hanging at the top, feeling maybe this time, despai r. Every time, then down-down-down into despair month it felt like my dream baby died. On the road of infertility, I discovered how far I was willing to go for my child. I would endure any needle, any surgery, anything for my baby. And A nd f ina inally lly af after ter f ive year years, s, I held hi him. m. The lit little tle preem preemie ie red raisin who survived my body, barely, and lay in his incubator hooked up to all the beeping beepi ng things. th ings. He made me a mommy. mommy. And A nd I loved him. I loved being Mommy. I loved it so much that I tried to make more babies — more needles and science s cience and a nd more brokenness. broken ness. My body told me, “You’ “You’re re done, done,”” and after months of counseling, I began to feel whole again. God glued me back together,
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shard by broken broken shard, and then surprised sur prised me with an unexpected unexpec ted gift, gif t, a passion for adoption adopt ion — pa pass ssio ion n, not fallback. Adoption became the deep desire of my heart, heart , not a backup plan. Wee worked and waited W wa ited for our daughter for two t wo years, year s, and a nd it still surprises me how hard I work for the children I didn’t used to want. Wee brought our W ou r daughter home from f rom Ethiopia Et hiopia when she was almost two. Now she’s four, our incubator boy is six, and as I finish this book, I’m sitting in a cozy apartment in Latvia with the nine-year-old girl who has captivated us all. Three continents, three kids, k ids, and three unique journeys to each of of them.
Powerhouse Women As I’ve met moms, from the ones at our ou r local playgrou playground nd to to the ones advocating for orphans around the world, I’m flabbergasted that t hat I ever had a dim view of motherhood. I saw it it as giving giv ing something up. It never occurred to me what I’d gain. My rough road to motherhood grew my character and readied me to join this incredible group of women, powerhouse women changing lives around the world together. I saw motherhood as giving something up. It never occurred to me what I’d gain.
Mothers are a re strong st rong and powerfu power ful, l, and when w hen we join together toget her in relationship, mountains move. The girl who once turned up her nose at motherhood motherhood fought tooth and nail na il to enter in. I’m still sti ll fighting for my kids. As I gained ga ined kids, k ids, I gai gained ned so much more. I entered into i nto a livl iving, loving organism of motherhood. Society fears our power, seeks to divide us on issues, but when we pull together for the common good of generations, we change the world. So I’m here, oddly enough, the girl who didn’t want to be a mom, the girl who couldn’t couldn’t be a mom, tryi tr ying ng to break down these
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crazy things I call momlationships. You know, those relationships that come with car pools and cupcakes, cupca kes, friendships borne at T-bal T -balll games and a nd in quiet corners cor ners feeding feedi ng babies. Whet W hether her you be beca came me a mom acc accident idental ally ly or on pu purp rpose ose,, hesitantly or with gusto, you’re here now, and sooner or later, we’re we’ re going goi ng to meet at a park or soccer game g ame or ballet class. A nd it might get awkward. In this space of a book I invite us to come together. So much of mothering doesn’t seem to apply to me — like Pinterest. And other parts of me don’t seem to apply to mothering — like my unabashed movie quoting. If these pages don’t apply to you, read my story and have the freedom and grace to live your own. No matter who you are, you are welcome.
Notes 1. Billy Madison, Madison, directed by Tamra Davis, Universal Pictures, 1995.
|| CHAPTER 2 ||
Wom W omen en Are Scar y The Doctor: “There’re “There’re a lot of things th ings you need to get across this universe. Warp drive . . . wormhole refractors . . . You You know the thing you need most mo st of all? You need a hand to hold.” From Doctor Who 1
I was sitting in a roomful of women I barely knew, watching a video in i n which Bible teacher Beth Moore got down in i n someone’s someone’s face and declared, “I love women!”2 t houghtt to myself, I myself, I don’t Women omen are a re Ooh,, I though Ooh don’t think I love women. women. W scaryy, complicated creatures. scar The very ver y next moment, something somet hing inside me bubbled up and a nd I prayed inside i nside my head, “God, “Go d, help me to love women.” women.” Nothing happened. I didn’t feel the earth shake or my insides quiver. I finished watching the video, picked up my daughter in the nursery, and moved on with my life. Never did I suspect that God would answer that little prayer in such a big way. I’ve spent the last four years blogging about orphan care and a nd our adoption adoption journeys. As a sponsorship coordinator for Children’s HopeChest, I’ve traveled to Uganda several 14
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times where we partner with a group of widows widows in a small smal l village vi llage to serve about three hundred orphans and vulnerable children. Loving the t he women women in Uganda came natu naturally rally to me. Loving the t he women right here here at home home felt harder. harder. Looking back over the t he last couple couple of years, since praying pray ing that prayer, I’ve realized that God has completely rewired my heart. I find myself asking questions, listening to the hearts and hurts of the women around me, and offering bear hugs with abandonment. Where I wanted to run, I now leap to encourage. Where I felt defensive, I now celebrate our differences. Where I wanted to run, I now leap to encourage. Where I felt defensive, I now celebrate our differences.
In the ’burbs where I do life, we live in an independent, isolated culture. As I’ve traveled to Uganda and witnessed material poverty in i n the village v illage with which we’ we’re partnere part nered, d, I’ve discovered that my culture struggles with a different kind of poverty. We don’’t lack food, clean water, or clothing, don clothi ng, but we lack relationships. Wherea W hereass my fr friends iends in nort northern hern Uganda res reside ide in sma small ll mud homes and live life together, outside, as a community, gathering at the borehole for water, working their gardens side by side, and looking out for each other’s children, we live in elaborate homes with multiple rooms and water that comes out of our own faucets. Wee drive our cars into garage W garagess and close the doors behind us, and we can go days and weeks without wit hout interact interacting ing with wit h the neighbors neighbors unless we’re intentional about making friends. And A nd while whi le I will w ill continue to champion the t he orphans orpha ns and a nd widows whom I love, I’ve realized that it’s no less noble to reach out to the hurting hurt ing moms and kids right in my own community communit y. If we can learn lear n how to to develop real, soul-soothing soul-soot hing relationships, relat ionships, there’s there’s no stopping what we can do together for our kids, our families, and the world. But first we have to stop being scary and scared of each other ot her..
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Hiding from Women I meet so many women who say they had few girlfr gi rlfriends iends growing up. They preferred preferred to hang out with guys, g uys, because guys g uys were less complicated and more fun. That was me. And apparently there were a lot of us who felt that way. Many girls were difficult and hurtful, and we just gave up, took our toys, and went home. Wee hid. Some of us are still W st ill hiding. h iding. Many girls were difficult and hurtful, and we just gave up, took our toys, and went home.
A “fr “friend” iend” in i n high school once said of me, “I’ve spent a year trying to get to know the real Melanie, and I’ve decided there’s justt not t hat much to get to k now jus now..” Twent wentyy yea years rs later, I st stil illl remember that. And someone else is probably still remembering something mean that I can’t take back. Words W ords hurt, hurt , and they are the weapons of choice for a lot of us women. We We build bu ild relationships and hang out with w ith other women and think th ink we’re we’re connected, only to have mean girls shatter us with w ith clever words. Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of a word bullet, or maybe you’ve been the shooter. Wee leave high school, W s chool, but if i f we aren’ aren’tt carefu ca reful, l, we never leave high school. We just grow up, acquire kids, and have even more things about which to bicker. From how you feed your baby to how you you educate your first fir st grader, we argue and scare the t he crap out of each other. Other women can be scary! We all have big opinions, and you never know what’s going to set us off. Why bother. It’s too awkwa awkward rd and comp complica licated. ted. W ho has tim timee for other wome women? n? Right? I’ve thought it.
My First Real Girlfriend In college, they t hey force you to have have roommates. And A nd for many of us, that was hard too. Here were people from whom you couldn’t get away. away. You You just shared a space and a nd hurt and a nd annoyed each other ot her
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month after af ter month. By the end of my sophomore year, I was ready to move into a single room and give up on girls altogether. I felt unlovable. unlovabl e. Argumentative. A rgumentative. Misunderst Misu nderstood. ood. I’ll never forget forget casually men mentioning tioning that t hat I was think th inking ing about moving into a single room for junior year and one of my roommates saying something like, “I’ll go wherever, as long as we’re together toget her..” Maybe Mayb e she didn’ did n’tt say it that th at way. way. But in my head, people started star ted soft-shoe soft-shoe dancing and there t here were were cartoon birdies. Another A nother girl actually actu ally wanted to keep being my friend, friend, to keep living with w ith me. I couldn’ could n’tt believe bel ieve it. She was my roommate for two more years. We were in each other’s weddings. You could not pick two more different people. As a quie quiett per person, son, she taught me to li listen. sten. Well ell,, at leas leastt I got better at it. When I was a crazy craz y psycho because my boyfriend boyf riend took his darn dar n ol’ time proposing, she gave me grace. She introduced me to the pomegranate, and we listened to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy together. We We weren’t weren’t moms yet. But she was wa s my firs f irstt real day-in, day-out, doing-life-together relationship. Wee attended our first W fir st women’ women’s retreat together, hosted by the women at our church. church. At that point point I was was still learning how to be a little litt le bit normal, how to navigate female relationships. My life as a theatre major, major, a fairly fai rly untalented one, one, consisted of daily rehearsals rehearsa ls in which I stood stoo d in the t he back and played the silent role of wench wench or maid and practiced carrying trays and not drawing attention to myself while wearing a corset and petticoa pett icoat. t. On the night of my first fi rst women’s women’s retreat, retre at, I of course cours e had wench or maid rehearsal in my whalebones and came to the retreat late, tired, and a nd my insides just a little squeezed. My boobs were relieved to be out of of the corset and away from my throat, and I guess gue ss I was exploring my diaphragmatic diaphrag matic freedom, because before I knew what I was doing, I burped loudly in front of everyone. I liked burping. Burping was awesome. And then an entire room filled with older church ladies turned to stare at me and I could tell they were mustering mustering the t he good Christian Christ ian grace for which they’d trained, and I realized that maybe my parents weren’t the
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only ones who thought burping in public was a bad idea. Having girlfrien girlfr iends ds and being a lady might require sacrifice on my part. part . No more burping burpi ng wench-maid. I wasn’t wasn’t sure what I though t houghtt about this. this .
I Don’t Quite Fit Yearss later, I st Year stil illl love Jesus Jesus,, and bur burping, ping, and someti sometimes mes in spite of myself and my complete weirdness, I still go to these things called women’s conferences. They’re filled with lovely ladies and prayer and I’m always just a little on edge, like I don’t quite fit f it and if they t hey only knew k new what was going goi ng on inside ins ide of me . . . you know know,, besides gas. In a room fu full ll of Chri Christia stian n women I always secretly secret ly panic that t hat I’m I’m going to somehow somehow lose control control and scream scre am the f-bomb over and over until they drag me out by my Bible. In a room full of Christian women I always secretly panic that I’m going to somehow lose control and scream the f-bomb over and over until they drag me out by my Bible.
A nd somet And sometimes imes when I’m hang hanging ing out wit with h fr friends iends I worr worryy in my head that I’ll bust out my bilingual Christianese and start talking in church words, and they’ll bless my butt out of Dodge and spank my exegesis. And A nd t hat ri right ght t here il illus lustr trate atess how rem remar arkab kably ly biz bizar arre re I am, if I’m worried that I’m too Christianese and that that I’m a total wreck wr eck and too mora morally lly repug repugnant nant.. If someone th this is scr screwed ewed up in the brain can make friends, then you can, too. I’m sure of it. And A nd if you read this t his book and a nd still st ill cras crash h and bur burn, n, well, then, at least you’ll have someone to blame. (*Disclaimer: Reading this book will not automatically give you friends. I have no formal training in people or relationships and am in no way an expert on friendships. Also, sometimes I’m serious and sometimes I’m kidding, and I leave it to your discernment to figure out when. If you experience relational upheaval upheaval after reading this th is book, it’s it’s
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not my fault, although I’d be happy to give you a full-frontal hug if that’ll make you feel better.) When W hen you get past the scar scariness, iness, other moms are fu fun. n. You’ll You’ll find fi nd that they’re covered in vomit just like you. They try tr y not to go off on their kids just like you. They try to find time and energy for sex just like you. They crave adult conversation with someone else who understands, just like you. i nvitation to momlationships. momlationships. Girls are Women Are Scary Scar y is an invitation tricky and weird. We’re too opinionated and insecure. We tear each other apart. And we need each other. I witnessed the perfect illustration of female relationships as I waited for my kids in the pickup line at preschool. I watched as two three-year-ol t hree-year-old d girls held hands and tried to walk wal k in opposite directions. They yanked and yanked each other back and forth. They were very ver y angr ang r y. They were boss b ossyy. They tried t ried and a nd tried tr ied to get the other one to go their way. Because their way was better. They k new new.. No matter mat ter how hard ha rd they yan yanked ked and yanke yanked, d, they each had their own idea about the right way to do things. But in all the yanking and bossing, they never let go. They held hands tighter and a nd tighter. That’s a relationship with wit h a girl. gi rl. We We hold hands. We We don’t don’t let go. Because we need each other ot her.. We We yank ya nk and a nd yank, yan k, but we don don’t ’t let go. So this th is is a call cal l to find your girls, g irls, grab g rab hands, and a nd don’ don’t let go. Wee are better W bet ter together. Put on your best sweatpants s weatpants and a nd let’s let’s get started.
Notes Who, British Broadcasting Corporation, 1. “The Almost Almos t People, People,”” Doctor Who, May 28, 201 2011. 2. Beth Moore, “James: Mercy Triumphs, Triumphs,”” Lifeway Christ Christian ian Resources, 2011, DVD.
|| CHAPTER 3 ||
he Bases of Momlationships Barbossa: “The code is more what you’d you’d call ‘guidelines’ than tha n actual actu al rules. rul es.” ” From Pirates of the Caribbean 1
You get married. You mar ried. You You conjure up some kids. k ids. You’ You’ve ve kissed k issed dating d ating good-bye. Or have you? When W hen you show up at the park for the fi first rst ti time me wit with h your little ones spilling out of the van (along with a healthy amount of cups and dirty dir ty napkins, if you’re you’re like me), me), scan the t he swing sets for anyone you might recognize, and notice that all the other moms are already hanging out in pairs, you realize that your dating years have only on ly just begun. beg un. When W hen you were dati dating ng your man, you ate di dinners nners for which you didn’t didn’t pay and walked through t hrough doors that t hat he opened opened for you. When W hen you date other moms, you pack ext extra ra bagg baggies ies of healt healthy hy 20
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snacks and push doors open with your face while schlepping car seats. When you were dating your man, you wore incredible outfits and said, “Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on last minute.” When W hen you date other moms, you wear tees and yoga pant pantss and say, “Oh, this old thing? My toddler just threw up on it.” I recently met met a new frien fr iend d and I was think t hinking ing about our budbudding momlationship. Our kids attend some of the same activities, and we’ve enjoyed chatting while they harass their various coaches. coach es. I really like her, her, and I think she likes me too. too. And just like the t he other kind of dating, there are bases. Just like the other kind of dating, there are bases.
First Base First base is hanging out while your kids are in activities together. You make encouraging comments about each other’s kids as they scream hysterically and hit each other with kick boards and pretend light sabers. I like to go ahead and act a little weird on f ir irst st bas base, e, just to giv givee the them m a ta taste ste for where the they’re y’re headed if they stick with me. I’m terrible at small talk, so if I survive this phase with another mom, then I know she’s either desperate for a friend or really into me. I go too deep too soon, which sca scares res off a mom just ask asking ing how many k ids I have. “Do you mean in my home, home, or in orphanages orphanage s around the t he world? world? Here locallyy, or in a village locall vi llage in i n Uganda? Uganda? Have you ever considered sponsoring a child? Wait, where are you going? Wanna hear about malaria and a nd dewormi deworming? ng?””
Second Base Second base is a park playdate outside of scheduled activities. At this point, poi nt, you’ you’re hanging hangi ng out because you want to and you set it up ahead of time. Your Your kids k ids like li ke each other. You You like li ke each other. This could be the star startt of something beautiful. beautifu l. At the park, you’ you’re re
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still on neutral territory. I usually throw in a snort laugh right around here. The conversation could wade into deeper waters. Someone might toss out an opinion or two. Keep it loving, girls. Keep it gracious. If you love gluten-free, feel free to talk about it. If you love Jesus, feel free to talk about him. Just don’t start talking in absol absolutes, utes, making mak ing broad, generaliz generalizing ing statements, statements, because you may never make it to third. th ird. Wee do that sometimes, W somet imes, don’t don’t we? And A nd overly intense eye contact, contact, never never use th this is while disc discussi ussing ng homeschooling, gluten, gun control, breastfeeding, marriage, red dye number 40, infertility, or Jesus. I may have left out a few things. If there’s a subject that might cause you to stop blinking and/or breathing, save it for fourth base and don’t unleash it at the park.
Third Base Thi rd base is a playdate Third playdate at one of your houses. This Thi s is a tricky trick y base because your kids are now on home court and your new friend is going to see your daughter body-slam her toddler to the ground and take back the toy that he just picked up. She will see the layer of dried-on grime coating your kid’s chair at the table, and she will notice the unflushed unf lushed dooky dooky from your son’s son’s morning dump. Third base is not for the weak. It’s about to get real in here. There could be laundry laundr y piles. You You better have the relational relationa l stamina stami na for this kind k ind of commitment. commitment. By third base, I’m full-frontal hugging, so prepare for that. If you’re my third-base friend, get ready for our boobs smashed up together while I ask how you’re doing right in your ear. If you an answer swer th that at wit with h any k ind of tr traum auma, a, I’m a-gon a-gonna na pul pulll it right back together for another mash-up, breathe some words of encouragement into your ear, then pull back for some heavy eye contact. (Upon reading this, thi s, my husband husband informed me, “Who “W ho are you kidding? You’ You’re re easy. You go for full-frontal full-f rontal hugging on first fi rst base.” So I’m a hug-slut. Bring Bri ng it in, ladies. I’ I ’m ready.) ready.)
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Fourth Base Fourth base is hanging out without the kids. I know. Whoa. The kids have become optional. You You can actually actua lly meet meet at a restaurant, movie theater, coffee shop, or bookstore and talk. Uninterrupted. For hours. Just because you want to, not because you’re killing time while your kids do their thing. You have arrived. Thiss person is wort Thi worth h spray spraying ing on your fanc fancyy jean jeans. s. Feel free f ree to bust out your full-blo ful l-blown wn honk laugh, talk tal k about how how soy gives you diarrhea, and how you worry that you’re a crappy mom. You’ve found your person. She loves you for you. To T o my fourt fourth-basers: h-basers: I love love you more tha than n words can say. say. Let’ Let’ss get our date on soon. I’ll dust off my fancy jeans, and we can eat Thai coconut soup and tal talkk about not our kids kids.. We’ We’re re gonna gon na get hot and heavy, mom-style. Fourth base for moms is so much better than dating fourth base. There’s dessert, staying out till the securityy guard kicks securit k icks you out out of the mall parking park ing lot, and no walk of shame as you crawl into bed next nex t to your racked-out racked- out hubs. hubs. One fourth-base fourt h-base mom date will wil l last me for a couple of of months months.. It’s It’s just that fulfilling fulf illing.. Jump in in,, gi girls. rls. Dati Dating ng for moms is supe superr f un un,, and you jus justt might get lucky luck y.
Notes 1. Pirates of the Carib Caribbean bean,, directed by Gore Verbinski, Walt Disney Pictures, tu res, 2003. 2003.
P ar t 1
FIRST BASE
|| CHAPTER 4 ||
Mom-Date Virgin Woman: “I’ll have what w hat she’ she’s s having having..” From When Harry Met Sally 1
I remember my first mom date. I was a mom-date virgin, and my own mom set me up. Yep, the girl writing about mom dating had to have her mommy help her find friends. We were new to parenting, new new to town, and a nd living livi ng over my parents’ parents’ garage while wh ile we looked for a house. My mom mom’’s close friend also had a daughter who was moving movi ng here, and they t hey swore adamantly adama ntly that t hat we’d we’d click. click . She told me exuberantly, “I found your new best friend!” I had my doubts. The fi first rst time I met her was at at a litt little le fi first-base rst-base Hello Hello My Name in the t he lobby lobby after church. I was wa s recently C-section C-sect ioned ed and lumpy, lumpy, Is in unaccustomed to the Georgia summer heat and covered in sweat and my own breast milk. My clothes were packed and nothing fit and I’d borrowed my mom’s shirt that morning. I felt like an armpit, like my entire person was one big armpit with eyes.
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I felt like an armpit, like my entire person was one big armpit with eyes.
Acr oss the chur Across church ch lobby, th this is ta tanned nned prie prieste stess ss name named d Rose strode toward me with her mile-long legs legs balancing perfectly per fectly on four-inch high heels. This was during her experiment with veganism, so she looked incredible, like what’s the lowest possible amount of body fat you can have without being dead? That. Her hair was long and shiny shi ny,, and she balanced bala nced her toddler on her chiseled hip while her three-year-old stood nearby. She smiled and was t he nic nicest est per person son on the pla planet net and I cou couldn’t ldn’t dec decide ide if I wanted wa nted to k il illl her wit with h my t hought houghtss or mayb maybee ask her if she wanted to snuggle. A few day dayss later, Ros Rosee pick picked ed Via Twier @UnexpectedMel us up in her Cheerio-encrusted I love our van. It feels van and a nd we went went to lunch with wit h our like another room in our boys. I remember looking at the house, a room that never, ever gets cleaned. inside of her van with amazement. It was the most disgusting disgusti ng thing thi ng I’d I’d ever seen, and a nd me with my th three-month-old ree-month-old baby couldn’t couldn’t fathom what could cause that t hat level of grossness. grossness . Oh. One million blown-out diapers diapers and three t hree billion bill ion baggies of cereal later, I understand. Six years later, I am proud to drive my own sticky stick y Petri Petri Dish of Love around town. town. Elliott Ell iott was three thr ee months months old, and I remember remember the day because it was the first time he wore shoes. Rose and I secretly sneered at the thought of our mothers being able to set us up. I really never put much faith in my mother’s ability to find me a friend, but she nailed it. Rose was perfect. I though thoughtt she knew everyt ever ything. hing. We We ran the bases together toget her until that t hat magical night when we we went out without kids, and a nd our frien fr iendship dship has lasted through t hrough babies, babies, adoptions, adoptions, and moving out of state. Since my maiden voyage into mom dating, I’ve forged delicious delicious relationships with several other ot her fourth-basers too. And A nd I’ll always alway s have my Rose. She’s She’s my people, and she loves me even though she knows how gross I am.
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Two Unexpected Mamas Remembering this makes me think Remembering th ink of anothe a notherr first f irst mom date, involving invol ving a different kind of virgin. In I n the book of Luke, after the angel Gabriel informed Mary Mar y that God would make her pregnant, pregnant, he didn’t leave her to wrestle with the ramifications of that disclosure all by her lonesome. Right after telling her she was going to have God’s baby, he shared that her relative Elizabeth was six months pregnant. Gabriel acted as a mom-dating matchmaker, getting these two unlikely miracle mamas together for some God-ordained support. Maryy hurried Mar hur ried to Eliz Elizabeth’ abeth’ss house in the hil hilll countr cou ntryy, and a nd as she greeted Elizabeth, the Bible says this is what happened: When Elizabeth heard heard Mary’s Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill fulfill his promises to her!” LUKE 1:41 – 45
The f ir irst st playdate of the New Test estament ament com commenced menced,, and these girls walked wal ked through pregnancy together for for three th ree months. months. If that isn’t a home run of a mom date, I don’t know what is. These two unex unexpected pected mamas found each e ach other ot her.. Mar M aryy was wa s a teenage virgin knocked up by the Holy Spirit getting the stink eye from society and Elizabeth was an infertile old woman finding herself pregnant when others her age were well into empty nesting. There was nothing “typical” about these girls, and they shared nothing in common with most of the other mothers around them. Maybe your age or your your job or your your marriage, mar riage, or lack thereof, puts you in the margins of “typical” motherhood. motherhood. All of us come to motherhood by different paths and choose different methods. Some things we choose and some are chosen for us.
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If you’re you’re on the edges, edge s, if you feel like li ke you don’ don’t fit into i nto the tratr aditional view of motherhood or didn’t come by it the traditional way,, you way you are welcome here. I’ve always felt too infertile, inferti le, too doing it the wrong way. From the decision to invite scientists into my womb to our pur pursu suit it of adoption adoptions, s, I’ve ex exper perienced ienced ever everyt ythi hing ng from ginger disdain to blatant reproof. If you feel like you’re hanging onto the edge of motherhood and not so sure about the whole club, I’m I’m with wit h you, I’m for you, and you are sooo welcome here.
Notes 1. When Harry di rected by b y Rob Reiner, MGM, 1989. 1989. Harr y Met Sally Sally,, directed
|| CHAPTER 5 ||
rolling for Moms Harriet Michaels: “What do you look for in a woman you date?” Charlie Mackenzie: “Well, “Well, I know everyone alway a lways s says sense of o f humor humo r, but I’ I ’d really real ly have to go g o with breast b reast size. s ize.” From So I Married an Axe Murderer 1
If you could pick your ideal friends, whom would you choose? Would W ould they be b e exactly exact ly like li ke you or really different? d ifferent? I have a diverse group of friends, and I love having people from differen dif ferentt backgrounds and with w ith different passions and personalities around me. There are a few things th ings that t hat I look for for in my closest friends, though. I’m drawn to those mamas who let me be me, who laugh at my jokes, who share deeply, deeply, and who are a litt little le what I like to call c all scar s cary-intense. y-intense. I want someone who’s going to go ballistic over kids without food, stuck in orphanages, or held in slavery. I want someone who’ss going to get in my face if I’m out of li who’ line ne and hold up my arms when I’m tired of fighting for justice. I want someone who 31
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cackles and speaks truth and is either a total geek or glad I am. I want a mama who will wi ll tell t ell me what I need to hear, not just ju st what I want to hear. And through all that scary intensity, I want her to love me. So for you, who are your people? If you’re looking for moms with wit h whom you can go ru runni nning, ng, let’s get you out on tra trails ils chatting up girls about their jogging strollers. Do you love baking brownies? Let’s find you a friend who loves eating brownies. Do you st strr uggle wit with h conf confidence? idence? You need a fr friend iend who excel excelss at encouragement. Finding friends also means learning learn ing how to be a good frien fr iend, d, so we’re we’re also working worki ng on our own stuff stu ff too. As we seek to encourage and support the moms around us, we become become exactly exact ly the kind ki nd of friend we want to have. Where W here ar aree you goi going ng to f ind Via Twier @UnexpectedMel your people? p eople? The librar l ibraryy for story Well I’m o to play dolltime, a “mommy and me” class, house w/my 3yo, the game the preschool pickup line, a young where me stops and I think I’ve been playing for moms’ group at a church, or the an hour but really it’s been sidelines at a soccer game. Moms 4 minutes. are everywhere, every where, and and most of us are a little bit lonely and starved for adult conversation. If you work outside of the home, you may spend time with other adults professionally, but you still need other moms to talk to. Stay-at-home moms just need people to talk to, period. My favorite favor ite relationships relat ionships are the ones that star startt out bonding bondi ng over our kids k ids but transition to talk t alking ing about books we’re we’re reading, our though t houghts ts on different dif ferent issues, or just straight stra ight up up laughter about about something somethi ng absurd. I love coming together with other ot her women women over coffee to solve the world’s problems while a few feet away, our children learn how to share. My girlfriends make me a better mom, a better bet ter friend, f riend, a better b etter wife, just . . . better bet ter.. I’d I’ d met Martha Mart ha through th rough another friend fr iend and really liked like d her. her. She was pregnant with her four fourth th child chi ld and looked like a supermodel.
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No, seriously. seriously. Picture Pict ure the t he hottest pregnant chick ch ick you’ve you’ve ever seen. She was always draped in something fabulous, and her third trimester looked looked better than my six months months postpart post partum. um. One day I was crying about my dog, and I needed a friend. I should mention that at this point Martha was a cat person. But something made me call her and invite myself over. She is gracious and kind and makes hospitality look effortless, so I rang ra ng her doorbell. I quickly learned that even though she she had four kids, Martha Mar tha was a voracious reader r eader who had delightf delightful ul opinions about everyever ything thi ng and was going to change the t he world. world. As I got to know k now her her,, the phrase “just a mom” catapulted out of my head never to return. I drove back to her house again and again, and she helped me decorate my messy messy new place. We We talked tal ked of books and a nd writing writ ing and faith and a nd events and ideas. She She showed me that as a mom I can still st ill take interest in other things besides my kids. Isn’t that a relief. Wee have different W d ifferent friends f riends for different d ifferent aspect asp ectss of our personalities. I have my sci-fi-loving friends for movie watching. These are my “get my references” friends. And I have the friends I call when I’m crack cracking ing down the center center and need someone someone to pray for my brain. So, figure figu re out who who your people are, then start trolling. t rolling.
The rst me I met one of my favorite moms was at church. I was working in the three-year-old room and this mom would come pick up her daughter, and we’d say hi at those weekly interacons. Then at a mutual friend’s party we got to talking and I really liked her. She was funny and outgoing, which meant I didn’t have to talk as much — just the way I like it. One of the rst things that stood out, though, was her obsession with our heights. I am 5’2 ½” on a good day. She’s probably 5’1”. She walked right up to me and asked me who I thought was taller while standing in her three inch wedges
and craning her neck for length. I was standing in my ats
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and laughing because who says this to a strang stranger? er? I made her slide her cheang shoes o and we stood back-to-back while our husbands conrmed that I am indeed taller. And then she went into a diatribe about how she didn’t feel like she looked
shorter and we were probably really the same height and I couldn’t possibly be that much taller. Now that I know her beer, it cracks me up that she put so much thought into it and occasionally sll makes me stand back-to-back with her to see if anything has changed. — Kim T.
Where W here to Look You’vee just You’v ju st had a baby. Or you’ve moved to a new town. Perhaps you’ve been going it alone for a while whi le and now you’re you’re looking look ing to try tr y out th this is mom dati dating ng thing. thi ng. W hatever the reason, you’re you’re on the prowl for a friend. Where do you look? Moving Movi ng to a new state as a s a new mom felt daunti d aunting. ng. Not only was I a new mom, but I was a new Sout Southerner herner too. From bur burp p cloths to sweet tea, everything wass new. W hen my lea wa leakk y boo boobs bs Via Twier @UnexpectedMel and I actually made it out of the Today I got everybody house with my little projectileready for the pool, headed that way, only to discover spit-upping pumpkin, I didn’t that I’d forgoen to put my know where to look for friends, fr iends, but bathing suit on under my I knew I needed some more, and cover-up. my mommy couldn’t help me with all of them. t hem. I found myself stalking other moms in the drop-off line of the church nursery nurser y. Here was an entire line of mamas schlepp schlepping ing two-ton diaper bags, wiping rash cream off the hems of their skirts. While we bounced our whimpering babes up and down, I chatted them up about nap schedules and how the hour in the church service now felt like a date night with my husband. We’ve W e’ve just moved again, locally local ly,, and I fi find nd myself back in that
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place of introducing myself again and again to the other mamas around the neighborhood. neighborhood. This summer s ummer at the pool, feeling overexposed in i n my swimsuit sw imsuit but determined to meet the neighbors, neighbors, I walked from chair to chair, wavi waving ng like a five-yearfive-year-old old and sayi saying, ng, “Hi! I’m I ’m Melan Melanie. ie. I’m new. new.” Not the most creative pickup line l ine but usually effective. When W hen you’ you’re re a mom, mom, the neighborhood neighborhood bus stop feels like the new techno club, except without the cover of strobe lights and fog machines. It’s completely intimidating to walk up to a group of moms and introduce yourself. I like to pick off the loners on the edges of groups first, then work my way in to meet everyone. Music and ar artt class classes es for smal smalll chi children ldren are anot another her suref s urefire ire way to meet other people in the same stage of life, and it’s it’s an easy segue to invite them out for lunch after the class. I’m grateful to the moms who invited me for playdates when I was the newbie, and I try to pay it forward now when I meet new moms. Just as I felt like my circle of friends was set, our family created another department in our lives . . . homeschooling. This past fall I began homeschooling my daughter. It has opened a whole new world of friendship possibilies. Everyone we have met through our homeschool group is so gracious and kind. The rst day we met as a class I was drawn to a mom who was new to homeschooling like me. We were in the same boat and able to share stories and challenges about homeschool
life! Turns out her son and my daughter sit next to each other in class and have become fast friends. As we juggle our new roune, pace ourselves to get schoolwork done, and sll keep up with our old friends, I am reminded that making new friends is a slow and awkward process. — Julie P.
Don’t be afraid to set people up. One friend invited me over with wit h a few people and introduced i ntroduced me to someone who’s who’s now one of my closest friends. I’m not making this up; it was like, “Hey,
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you’re inferti you’re infer tile le and just had a baby through th rough in vitro. v itro. This Th is is your new friend. She’s infertile, too, and adopted a child. You’re both crazy loudmouths with a ridiculous amount of passion about a number of subjects. Discuss your endometriosis and laparoscopies. Go.” In a completely nonawkward way. And now she and I are fourth-basers. Badabing, badaboom. If you experience an awkward crash and burn, don’t panic. I have been there. My son doesn’t quite understand boundaries with wit h neighbors or pick up on socia sociall cues cues.. One ti time me we went for a walk and he found some “friends.” He immediately ran up and started playing in their front yard, and since the parents were outside, I tried to strike up a conversation. As I asked question after question, received one-word replies, no questions back, and the other kids stood in their yard like Children of the Corn and Corn and stared at my son, I realized that either these people were not in the market for new friends or they’d just told their kids that t hat Santa wasn’tt real. wasn’ re al. I sweetly s weetly cal called led for Ell Elliott iott as he was helping himself hi mself to the toys in their garage and he walked quizzically toward me. I backed away slowly, smiling and giving a courtesy wave. “Okay, well, soooo great to meet you guyzzz guy zzz . . .” Small talk t alk is hard, ha rd, but it doesn’t doesn’t have to be 100 percent miserable, so we should probably talk about that now.
Notes 1. So I Married an Axe Murderer , directed by Tommy Schlamme, TriStar Pictures, 1993.
|| CHAPTER 6 ||
Smal l al Small alkk fo forr Small-alk Haters Inigo Montoya: “I do not mean to pry, but you don’t don’t by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?” Man in Black: “Do you always begin conversations this way?” From The Princess Bride 1
W hen you’ When you’re re trol trolli ling ng for moms, you prac practic ticee pick pickup up li lines, nes, but instead of “Heaven just lost an angel,” you try “Your kids are so sweet,” “I love your workout skort,” skort,” or “Nice “ Nice Moby wrap. w rap.”” Have you ever tried to befriend another mom only to have it die an awkward little l ittle death? Just me? me? My kids were all born on difd ifferentt conti feren continen nents, ts, so my strikeouts stri keouts usually usual ly go somethi something ng like this: th is: Me:
Hi, I’ I’m m Melanie. I’ I’m m new here. Have you been coming here long? Other I’m m OM. Yeah, we’ we’ve ve been doing this for a while Mom Oh, hi, I’ ). (OM): (indicates many other friends nearby ). Me: Oh, cool. Which kids are yours? 37
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OM: Me: OM: Me: OM: Me: OM: Me: OM:
Penelope over there. Who are your kids? Tose three over there. Are they all three yours? Yep! I mean, are they all your own? Uh-huh. I own them all. I mean, are they your real kids? Yes. Tey are all real. No blow-up dolls in the bunch. Te two oldest oldest are are yours and where’ where’ss the youngest youngest one from? Me: wo of them are adopte adopted d and one was created in a lab. OM: Um . . . Me: Te oldest one, with hair identical to mine, is adopted from Latvia and our newest child, oldest and newest, haha. Te middle child, with blond hair and blue eyes who looks nothing like me, is biologically related to me. Te youngest one is adopted from Ethiopia. OM: Ohhhhh. My brother-in-law went on a mission trip one time . . . ohhhh . . . I forget where . . . Nicaragua. Me: Okay Okay,, well, it was really nice to meet you!
And A nd I’m I’m a total geek, geek , so sometimes someti mes this th is happens: Me: OM: Me: OM: Me:
Hi! I’ I’m m Melanie! I’ I’m m new! Hi, Melanie. I’ I’m m not new. What’ss your daugh What’ daughter’ ter’ss name? Buffy. Te Vampire Slayer?! Tat’ Tat’ss amazin amazing! g! Ahhhh! I love that show! I have every episode on DVD. Most amazing writing EVER. Joss Whedon is completely brilliant. Oh! (clap ( clap clap clap)) It’s clap It’s so great to meet another Whedonite! OM: She’ She’ss named after my husban husband’ d’ss grandm grandmother. other. I’ve never seen that show. Isn’t it about demons? Me: Um, yeah, pray for me? OM: Okay Okay,, well, it was really nice to meet you!
Awkwa rd sma Awkward small ll ta talk lk th that at fa fail ilss to ga gain in tract tr action ion is enough to make you never want to leave the house. Or at least keep your
Small Talk for Small-Talk Haters
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nose buried in your smartphone while you wait for Baby Obiwan to finish up at Soccer Tots. I’m one of those closet introverts posing as an extrovert. You know what I mean? When I tell people I’m an introvert, they spray spit on my face with the force of their exuberant guffaws. The gi girl rl snort-laugh jazz-handing jazz-ha nding in the middle of the t he crowded c rowded room is an introvert? Please. Okay, so maybe I’m a borderVia Twier @UnexpectedMel line introvert. I love people oh Okay people, we are wayyy so much, but I fill up in my little too mely in the car pool closet all by my lonesom lonesomee — no pickup line for preschool. Can we all agree now that talkie, talk ie, just writey. writey. On planes, I try tr y 10 minutes late is the new not to make eye contact or so much On Time? as tap the elbow rest with my arm for fear I’ll have to chat (unless the crossword cross word in my airl airline ine magazine magazi ne is already worked, and then I’m I’m organizing a plane-wide search for a fresh one). The same is true tr ue for for those first-base fir st-base moments. moments. When my k ids are at practices, events, school functions, or birthday parties, I hunker down inside myself. If I’m waiting for them, I bring my iPad and guzzle down whatever whate ver book I’ve been dig digest esting. ing. We ma mamas mas k now how fas fastt those waiting moments go. I see all of us reading our phones, Kindles, Ki ndles, iPads, and actual act ual books b ooks (ah, my love of actual act ual books b ooks . . .) during these t hese precious precious minu mi nutes tes to ourselves.
Drop the iPad and Just Hang Out Well, lately I’ve thought a lot about dati Well, dating ng other moms and realize now just how many of us struggle with first base. So one day while my kids were in their swimm sw imming ing lessons, I left my iPad in my upcycled flour sack/purse and hung out with the other moms in the room. I’m not going to lie. A few moments of silence made me ogle my dormant tablet, but I just sat, and then this beautiful thing
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happened. We started talking, sharing kids’ names and our names. We rooted for each other’s kids in the pool. We talked lack-oflack -of-nap nap times, food allergy a llergy issues, and girls versus boys when it comes comes to attitude att itude shenanigans. First-base stuff. Nothing world changing. Or is it? When mamas who shape the future start sharing and laughing . . . isn’ i sn’tt that world changing?
W hen mamas When ma mas who shape the fut future ure star startt shari sh aring ng and a nd laughing . . . isn’t that world changing? When the daily stress of the schedules and tantrums tantru ms and budgets slides off our shoulders shoulders and onto the pool-water-soaked floor, that changes our world. Sharing experiences from our unique perspectives creates camaraderie in our overlapping lives. We make music in the rhythm of motherhood. On first fir st base. This is wher wheree it starts. This is where we gather the strength strengt h and resolve to laugh off off our heavy burdens and agree to do it again tomorrow. Maybe small sma ll talk t alk isn’ i sn’tt really real ly small. smal l. Wee need each othe W otherr so much. Mot Motherhood herhood is mea meant nt to be shared. I’m sure of it. I will wil l continue to car carry ry around arou nd my beloved iPad. iPad. (*Disclaimer: No iPads were were harmed in the writing wr iting of this thi s book. My tablet tablet with its happy pink cover is smiling supportively at me on my desk. Long live technology.) But I am falling head over heels in deep, deep love with the mamas in my life, these precious girls who know more than I do about so much. Wee sha W share re so ma many ny of the sa same me pres pressu sures res,, in insec secur uritie ities, s, and frustrations, and doing just that, sharing that, sharing them, them, somehow diffuses the power these worries have over us. There’s fellowship in frustration. trat ion. When one mom is upset with her button-pushing toddler, toddler, I know that frazzled feeling. And it’s such a relief when we find out we’re we’re not alone. We’re We’re not alone! alone! When W hen we lower our gu guard, ard, reach out, and say, “I’ve been there,” we acknowledge and kindle the sisterhood of motherhood. motherhood. (See what I did there t here?? Kinn K innndlll ndlllle. le.))
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Have you ever met someone who loves small talk? I meet so many people who hate small talk. I hate small talk. Small talk is boring and awkward. awk ward. I don’t don’t think t hink anybody really likes li kes it, but we have Via Twier @UnexpectedMel to soldier through to get to the Do u ever feel the weight protein-packed tempeh of the of everything u have to relationship. do come crashing on u & First base is where we lift our u just walk around like a zombie & pick things up & eyes off our ou r own mess long enough set them down? to smile at the mama across from us. First base is small talk and encouragement and finding common ground. It’s discovering we’re we’ re on Team Mom toget together. her. A nd if we’ we’re re on the same tea team, m, then that makes us teammates.
The Mama Booty Pat Athletes have the little booty pat that we see happening happening on the sidelines. sideli nes. It conveys convey s “You’ “You’re re doing a great g reat job,” job,” “We’re “We’re on the same team,” and “Go get ’em, tiger.” Wee need a booty W boot y pat for momVia Twier @UnexpectedMel mies.2 What can I do when I see I’m wearing a pajama you at Target Target and your daughter daughter is top to the store. In my waving wavi ng her sass arou around nd and I can defense, it’s a really nice jammie top. tell you’re frustrated but you’re handling handli ng it like a champ? Booty pat. Okay, but not — because even I think that’s crossing a line. Maybe I’ll I’l l just settle set tle for telling tell ing you. Hey, mama. You’re doing a great job. I got my own o wn crazy going on in my cart car t right here. We We had a meltdown meltdo wn in the Chapstick aisle the likes of which this store, this entire franchise, has never seen. But we’re holding the line, soldiering on, and we’re doing good work.
Moms need to hear that t hat we’re we’re doing a good job. We We don’t don’t get performance reviews for motherhood. We hear all kinds of judgmentt from everyon men ever yone, e, from our kids to the t he internet. internet. Wher W heree are we going to hear encouragement if not from each other?
WOMEN A RE SCARY The Totally Awkward Adventure of Finding Mom Friends By Melanie Dale When you show up at the park for the first f irst time with your little ones spilling out of the van, scan the swing set for anyone you might recognize, and notice that all the other moms are already hanging out in pairs, you realize that your awkward adventure of of finding mom friends has only only just begun. begun. Too many women are frazzled and lonely, isolated in their minivans while schlepping bags, strollers, and munchkins to and fro across town. It doesn’t have to be this way. In this hilarious yet thought-provoking thought-provoking guide to to “momlationships,” “momlationships ,” blogger Melanie Dale uses a dating analogy to help women get more intentional about bonding with each other. “We are better together,” she writes. “We make each other better moms, better humans. We need each other, because mothering is just too darn hard.” Moms will discover how to make sure their kids aren't the only ones having fun, develop lifelong friendships, share their burdens, and join together to impact communities around the world. ! Get Your Copy of Women are Scary !
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