.. risk versus reward ..
"Hold it! Hold it...” The producer yelled. I hope this is it... I held my pose fiercely, gazing into the camera as the silence that following the loud music made a void in my ears. I could faintly hear the eight others breathing beside me. "Okay we got it. Girls, that’s a wrap." Simultaneously the crew began clapping. Relief. A smile came to my lips as I clapped my hands together. I bowed to many of the crew and it didn't surprise me that the others were doing the same in unison. After all the video shoots we've done together these little details almost came as second nature to us now. It was always an incredible feeling to know that it was finished. This shoot in particular was very long and I was completely worn out. My feet were aching from the heels. I see a few of the girls run ahead of me as I head back to the dressing room. How they can still have the energy to do that is beyond me. A few others strode past me walking and I couldn't help but grin to myself. Kim Taeyeon, the youth are passing you. You're too old for this... That's when I felt a hand grasp mine. My heart stuttered. I didn't even have to look to know who it was. "That was hard...” Tiffany muttered, leaning into my arm.
I chuckled and nodded slightly, awkwardly trying to adjust to a new walking rhythm with her. It was often like this with Tiffany. She always seemed to be clinging to me in one way or another. We sort of worked like magnets. She always did these things... not having any idea what effect it had on me. I stared straight ahead listening to my heart ring in my ears from the mere sound of her voice. "You look cute...” She continued, looping a piece of my hair around her finger. "The extensions, I mean. Have you thought of doing this for real?" "Ah... no. Blonde actually...” I said, looking to her face for the first time. She pouted slightly and met my gaze. "But pink is the best!" She objected, smiling radiantly. I truly picked the wrong time to look at her. I couldn't help but smile back. She was like a little girl with how obsessed she was with pink. Even the way she pronounced the word was as if she held it to a higher standard. The smile in her eyes dazed me and I couldn't look away. It was a hazard of looking at her, but it never stopped me from doing it. She raised her eyebrows in a last stitch effort when I said nothing, as if that could change my mind. Suddenly, having pink hair didn't seem like such a bad idea... "Well, if you ever decide on pink just know you have my approval." She smiled.
Her approval. Internally, I beamed. Her eyes seemed to sparkle at this assertion and I stared into them intently, wishing I could read her inner most thoughts. Why isn't she this affectionate with the other members? Could I really just be imagining this? She leaned into my shoulder again, pulling me close for a moment as we walked. My eyes were still on her face and I couldn't look away even though she was looking forward now. "Ah!" She called out. Her grip on my hand tightened and she pulled me even closer to her. Our bodies were completely overlapping and I felt the warmth of her against me but at the same time I also felt my shoulder graze something. This act of affection was merely her stopping me from walking headlong into the door frame. "You need to watch where you're going." She said, under her husky laugh. My favorite laugh. I was sure my face was turning all shades of red at this point. I nodded lowly, finally breaking my stare and apologizing. I tried to laugh it off best I could but our manager was gathering us now. She let go of my hand then to cross the room and check her cell phone. "Girls." He said. "Listen.."
I felt sorry for the guy. He has it so rough with us; Nine girls are hard to keep in order. Nine of us is damn near impossible. "Yah!" I shouted, waving them down. Tiffany was smirking when she came to join us. "Thank you." He said. "Your schedule for today is over-" There was an outcry of joy in the room. I couldn't help smiling myself but he lifted a finger in the air and silenced the room again. Sunny leaned her head against my shoulder and I put my head on hers. It was such an obvious difference when somebody else touched me and when Tiffany touched me. Sunny was my roommate and best friend; I knew clearly this didn't mean anything. "Tomorrow morning you meet with the stylists first thing. You need to be well rested so we can get the new looks sorted out. And then, Practice, practice, practice. Music bank next week. This is the last week before the storm hits." Inside, this excited me. I was chomping at the bit to get back into the spotlight. It had been too long since we promoted in Korea, but with it came nerves. I only hoped the fans would accept us back after such a long time... "Get a lot of sleep tonight. Don't stay out too late." We dispersed and the loud general conversation began buzzing again. Immediately as I sit down the stylist begins removing my extensions and I can finally kick my shoes off. It felt so good to sit down... I let my eyes shut just for a second...
"This kid...” Someone remarked. I opened one eye to find them all standing around me. Sooyoung was smirking down at me and it was evident that she was the one that had spoken. Everyone was wearing their street clothes while I was still in the outfit from the shoot. Did I fall asleep? I ran a hand through my hair to find all the extensions were gone. "Past her bedtime, how cute." Jessica said, grinning. "Yah...” I grumbled. "You guys really aren't tired?" "I am." Yuri said. Others nodded, but I wasn't really paying attention because Tiffany came in then. "Dinner, anyone? Tae?" She asked, looking around. Before I could answer, I noticed a few of the others trying to hide their smiles. Yoona voiced what everyone was thinking. "Date night for Taeny?" She said, trying to hide her laughter. "Aish... really?" I said coldly, getting up and grabbing my shoes. "Sorry Fany-ah, looks like your wife has cancelled date night account of curfew." Hyoyeon smirked, using a mock melancholy tone.
And this... was how it usually went. The others read the fan forums, as we did, and noticed, like the fans, that Tiffany and I were... 'close'. It became a bit of a running joke for them. Actually, I thought it showed that I was the only weird one of the bunch because a part of me enjoyed people pairing Tiffany and I together. I watched the videos they made and looked at the edited photos. Some of them were funny but some of them were spot on with exactly what I was feeling at the moment. It always shocked and impressed me how attentive Sones could be. In the end, my best bet was to just stay quiet. Last time I tried to defend Tiffany and myself, I just made us look worse... "You're just jealous." Tiffany said. My back was to them now as I was pulling out my street clothes but this brought me up short. "Jealous?" Hyoyeon asked with her eyebrows raised. "Yes." Tiffany grinned. "You don't have a wife." Hyoyeon stared at her incredulously but didn't have a comeback. This was a rare occurrence. "I'm sure somebody here will marry me." She smirked, looking at the other girls. "I'm not into domestic violence." Sunny joked.
I took out my clothes, laughing, and went into the bathroom to change. While doing so, I could hear some of the girls shouting at me through the door on their way out. "Stay safe! Good job today!" I yelled back while pulling up my pants. Finally alone. I couldn't think of anything but the bath I was going to take when I got home and how comfortable my bed would feel. Sure, going to dinner with Tiffany would have been amazing but I should really just get some rest at this point. As much as I enjoy being with Tiffany, it’s much easier for me to avoid it because I tend to turn into a coward around her. Glancing up at the mirror, I noticed how messy my hair was and pulled a brush out of my purse to take care of it. I really couldn't wait to go to the stylists tomorrow and see what they can do with it. I did what I could to tie it back for now and headed out the door with my purse slung over my shoulder. "Oh...” I said stupidly. Tiffany was still sitting on the couch. She stood up at the sight of me, smiling. "You didn't get a chance to answer." She said. "Did you want to go to dinner?" "Ah...” I started. "I... you didn't have to sit here waiting. If I would have known I would have been faster."
She waited for me. My heart beat sped up frantically. What was the question again? "No worries." She said. "Dinner?" Go with her... Just... go with her... "Eh... I'm actually pretty tired I should probably just go get some rest." I said. You are such a wimp... She shook her head. "Kim Taeyeon! That was a long day; you're not going to bed without eating. You need to be healthy as a leader...” My insides were doing back flips. "A-alright." I stammered, but I was already in movement. She linked arms with me and pulled me along beside her. All that mattered was that she was holding onto me again... I couldn't be happier.
.. "date" ..
It was a quiet ride in the back of the van. Too quiet. I hoped dearly she would be more talkative during dinner or it would end up being incredibly awkward but maybe she was just respecting how tired I was. The entire van smelled thickly of her perfume. It was intoxicating but I had a feeling it effected my vocal cords and thought process negatively. "Here." She said, handing me a pair of sunglasses. Sunglasses in the darkness of the night. We had to try everything we could to not draw attention to ourselves but this rarely worked. Our fans knew us so well that they could tell who we were by our height and body structure, but I put them on anyway and pulled my hood over my head grinning. “Yo!” I stuck my lips out and tilted my head in my best gangster impression, folding my arms over my body. Tiffany looked at me inquisitively before shoving my shoulder. “Dork.” “What?” I asked, deflating slightly. “My feelings, they hurt.” “You should feel honored. There is no one else in this world that will ever contest you for the world’s biggest dork.” Tiffany smiled as she put on her sunglasses.
“You say ‘dork’ like it’s a bad thing.” I said, looking out the window. “In your case…” She said as she put her chin on my shoulder. “…it’s definitely not a bad thing.” I smiled hugely as we parked. The driver pulled us up to a little restaurant close to the dorm that Tiffany liked. It served both American and Korean food so it suited us well. We ordered and got a booth without incident. Our small security consisted of one bodyguard and our driver and they sat at a table separate from us, but close enough to handle anything if it happened. It was kind of dead inside the restaurant and we were seated next to a window together and given menus. To my dismay, the low light and soft music made this feel like a real date. It set my nerves on edge. "I'm so hungry!" Tiffany said after we ordered. "I'm so tired." I responded, taking my hood down and leaning against the booth. "Poor thing." She smiled. "Eating is important, though. I'm glad I made you do this." "Thank you for taking care of me." I said under my breath, examining maybe too closely, the grains of wood in the table. She nodded politely to the waitress as she set our drinks down. I noticed that even though we had an entire booth to ourselves, we were still sitting so close to one another. My mood was picking up rapidly.
"So... what do you think?" She asked, sipping from her tea. "About?" "The Boys." She looked at me. "I... don't know." I said looking dissatisfied. "You know, whenever you don't like a song it ends up being a hit." She chuckled. I nodded. "You're right, so we'll probably break records and be a hit once more." I said, unconvincingly. There was a pause. "You've been different lately." Tiffany said in an undertone. I looked at her. The waitress returned with our food and I waited for her to take her leave before I answered. "How so?" I asked, taking a bite. "Just... less animated I guess. Everyone notices it; we're all kind of worried." "You think I'm less animated?" I asked. I really didn't intend for her to notice a change in me, but ever since my feelings for her had started taking shape I knew for a fact that I'd been different.
She nodded. "Sometimes... it seems like something is bothering you." "I'm sorry to have made you worry but I'm okay." I said without looking up, half smiling. After a moment, I realized she wasn't eating. I looked up to find her staring at me with a heartbreaking look. I've always hated that expression on her face. It was a face that reminds me of her youth, our training days. She used to wear it more frequently back then. I knew she saw right through me, just as she always did. Fany knew me too well. She scooted closer to me and dropped her voice. "Tae...” She said, "You know you can tell me anything, right?" I nodded, certain that if she actually knew what I was hiding that she wouldn't want to know anyway. I made a mental note to be more animated in the future to avoid sticky situations like this where I'd have to keep things from her. "Oh, look." She said, looking behind her. I glanced over her shoulder out the window and saw several people with cameras. "Wow." I said, "It doesn't take long to catch up with us, does it..?" Tiffany was smiling and waving at them. I backed away out of their view so I
could watch her. She's always handled all of this publicity and fan service a lot better than I do. "They're just fans." Tiffany says between her teeth. She took my hand in hers and pulled me into view again. From the angle I was sitting, my head was practically resting on her shoulder as I waved out to people, trying to make eye contact with every camera. "It's cold out there...” I said, pouting. "We should go before they get sick." I glanced at her and smiled before I nodded. We signaled our security and made our way back to the van amidst the flashing of the cameras and the screaming. We rolled down the window to peak our heads out and to wave as we drove off. "I love them." Tiffany said. "Me too." I said. I stared intently at the red light we were stuck at as Tiffany leaned her head onto my shoulder. My muscles tensed at her touch. "I'm getting sleepy now." Her voice was muffled against me. I hesitated for a moment before putting an arm around her shoulder. I guess she took this as permission to wrap her arms around my waist. All I could do was sit there and think about how this wasn't something 'friends' would just do naturally... It felt like more, and I knew she had to feel it too. I needed
her to feel it. I closed my eyes and tilted my head towards her, smelling her shampoo. This is just... too much... For the first time in my life, it felt like I was truly cuddling up with a lover. Couldn't she feel the electric current that was running between us that was so evident to me? I couldn't take it anymore. "Fany-ah.." I whispered. When she lifted her head her nose brushed against my cheek. I immediately lost my nerve. "Are you okay?" I asked without skipping a beat, even though it wasnt the question I really wanted to ask. "Why wouldn't I be?" She smiled sleepily, reclaiming my shoulder with her head. Coward. I would have been content sitting there for hours but before I knew it we were running the cold night air to get to the elevator. Once we got into the dorm I knew that between the 7 others, I'd no longer have her attention or the privacy I wanted with her. "Thanks for coming out with me against your will." Tiffany said at the door, turning to me. Her eyes had practically disappeared in her smile. I could have died on my feet.
"Anytime." I smiled back. "Remember, Tae, you can tell me anything." She said again, her face was serious. I stared deliberately into her eyes and seriously considered for a moment telling her what had really been bothering me. The words themselves wouldn't be hard to say but the reaction could be terrible. She stared back at me just as intensely, and I got the strangest feeling that she knew what I was going through. I stood there with the words on the tip of my tongue for what seemed like hours until I heard someone on the other side of the door. "I hear Taeny!" Jessica's voice. I tried not to let my face fall. Rather, I rolled my eyes at the remark. "Oh, great." Tiffany sighed, reluctantly turning for the door. "We're in for it...” "You guys were spotted." Jessica grinned, flagging us to the living room. She had a laptop open on her lap. "What? It's already up?" Tiffany asked, sitting on the arm of the couch beside her. Shocked, I sat beside Jessica on the couch. She already had the video open and loaded for us to see, of course.
"They're fast...” Tiffany said, sounding impressed. It was us at the restaurant. The video was titled "[TaeNy] Romantic dinner for two". I winced. It started out with just Tiffany's back through the window for at least a minute. She was talking to someone who I knew to be myself. The video had romantic music playing and I eventually stuck my head out and waved right when the song reached its climax. It didn't really seem like a big deal... But then, of course, they went back to replay it in slow motion. Zoomed in. My head close to Tiffany's shoulder. The small smile and glance we shared that was barely even evident when it was played in normal speed... rewound and replayed and reversed again and again. Then it cut to us walking out of the restaurant holding hands and getting into the van... I was speechless... I just sat there willing myself not to blush. "But... that was like, 20 minutes ago." Tiffany said in English. "Look at the comments." Jessica said as she scrolled down. She always seemed to enjoy teasing me specifically about this, I was certain, because Tiffany didn't give her the reaction she wanted from it. "'They really seem to be in love! TaeNy is SO REAL!'" Sica quoted in English. I knew enough English to know what that meant. I said nothing until she looked at me. "You really do." She said, returning to Korean. "And I see you both every day."
Sica must have seen something off in my expression because her joking demeanor disappeared; she looked at me in a concerned way and asked me what was wrong. Defeated, I just got up from the couch and started heading towards my room. I was okay with watching things like this but doing it right in front of Tiffany with live commentary from Jessica was too embarrassing... Someone took my wrist and stopped me. "I'm sorry." Tiffany looked devastated. "I should have been more careful. I know you don't like people doing this." I stared at her. This just simply wasn't true. I liked it, more than I should, but I couldn't say that out loud in front of everybody. She was trying to protect me, while I was trying to protect her at the same time. I was just so frustrated at this point I just wanted to tell her everything and deal with the consequences I hadn't even thought of yet. "I'm not upset, just tired." I said dully, "Goodnight." I dismissed myself and went down the hall, feeling their eyes burning a hole in my back. I opened my bedroom door and shut it quickly behind me, leaning against it and gripping my hair in my hands. How could such an amazing night get messed up so quickly? "Yah, what's wrong?" Sunny asked. Opening my eyes I glance at her, having completely forgotten she'd
probably be here. "Nothing." I muttered, immediately falling on top of my bed. Sunny can be quite persistent. She crawled on top of me and began beating my back with her fists in a playful manner. "Taeyeonie! You better tell me!" She was using her aegyo. "You really kill me sometimes, you know that?" I groaned, pushing myself up onto my hands and knees and unintentionally roll her out of the bed. We both ended up in a fit of laughter at the loud thump she made when she hit the ground and the squeal she made as she fell. It felt good to laugh. That was the good thing about Sunny. She always knew how to make me do it even when I was extremely upset about something. I was lucky to have her as a roommate. As our laughter subsided, I weighed my options. I could trust Sunny; I could at least get some advice from her couldn't I? What's the worst that could happen? In the end, I decided if I was going to tell Sunny, tonight wasn't going to be the night. I was beyond exhausted now and even though I knew I'd probably feel a hundred times better if I talked to someone about it, I made up a lame excuse and dressed for bed. But sleep didn't come as easily as I'd hoped. I tossed and turned thinking about Tiffany and the night we shared. How she felt in my arms and why I'm suddenly questioning my sexuality after twenty three years. My eyes were
unfocused on the ceiling for what felt like hours as I slowly coaxed myself into admitting what I have been trying to deny for the last seven years. I was truly and deeply in love with her. My Fany. It felt so wrong to think this so freely. I'm SNSD's Kim Taeyeon. Leader of Girls' Generation and here I was worrying about myself. Imagine what would happen if it went badly if I ever told her. What would happen to the band? It would be terrible if it went public. All the bad press we would suffer just for my selfishness. Another part of my brain fought back. Even though I was a leader, did that mean my entire thoughts were no longer my own? Did I not have the freedom to feel, to love, to be? Ultimately, I didn’t have a choice either way. My entire body and mind was being driven by the one percent of me that was stuck on the idea that Tiffany could tell me it was mutual. She was all I could see, now… I would simply have to learn how to deal with it.
.. maybe blondes do have more fun ..
This was definitely a new experience. For the first time after leaving a stylist, I look more like a deer in headlights than anything else. Not drastic, huh? If anyone would have asked me years ago if I would ever go completely blonde, the answer would have been a resounding no. I always thought to myself that someone had to have just the right face to pull of being blonde. I didn’t think I applied to that group but here I was. A new style, a side part, and blonde hair. To myself, I was unrecognizable. I stared at myself in the rearview mirror looking nearly catatonic until Sunny stole my attention. “Taeyeon-ah! My head is so light!” I tore my eyes from my reflection to look at her. Sunny cut a substantial amount of her hair off to coincide with the wig she wore in the music video we just shot. She was bouncing her head from side to side happily and her hair was all over the place. Lord, she’s doing aegyo without even trying. We’re done for. I had to admit the cut was really cute on her, perfect for her style and personality. It was far more drastic and daring than me going blonde, but I considered every little change to myself to be drastic. It would take me a
long time to get used to this. All the people at the salon seemed to like it. I thought it just made me look older. “Older, yes!” The stylist exclaimed. “But not old! Very mature! Grown up!” Ahjumma, I thought, laughing at myself in the mirror. “I like it...” Sunny said. “It makes your face light up.” I glanced at her and back towards the mirror. It could be worse. At least they let me keep most of my hair. As we pulled up to the dorms I felt a pit in my stomach. I knew we were going home to drop me off and the others would be heading off with Sunny for a live broadcast. I didn’t think they’d be waiting for us by the curb. Subconsciously, I pulled my hood up over my head. Sunny immediately ripped it off. “Don’t be stupid, Kim Taeyeon.” She said sharply. And I sighed, knowing exactly what was going to happen before it did. Girls’ Generation, in their excited state, wouldn’t be exaggerated if compared to a hurricane or some other natural disaster. As we got out, Sunny and I were engulfed by them. Picked, prodded and appraised. My head pushed this way and that so everyone could get a view. The only thing I was vaguely aware of was someone kissed my cheek, someone poked my stomach and at some point my butt was slapped. Every other comment, exclamation, or
declaration was blended together to form a white noise. I was glad Sunny was there to bear the brunt of the storm though; as predicted her new style came as more of a shock. “Unnie, you really look great.” Seohyun said to me in a small voice as they were picking on Sunny. I laughed. We really got lucky with our maknae. The baby of our group had the most maturity and manners. I thought to myself that I should really show appreciation for her more often. I hugged her. “Girls. Do well today, make our name proud. Be safe.” I wave them off. The whole day off to do... what? I didn’t know. I found the door to the dorm ajar when I got upstairs. Aish! Real smart girls… They can’t properly secure our home and it sounds like someone even left music on in their room. Even so, having no one inside felt so quiet. It was rare that I was ever in there by myself. When you lived with nine girls, there always seemed to be at least one other person with you there at all times. Privacy was non existent. I closed the door quietly and locked it before I wandered into the kitchen and leaned against the counter unsure of what to do with myself. Without thinking, my cell phone was in my hand and I was taking pictures of myself. Not the ones with funny faces I’d take with friends, but a sweet genuine smile. It took a few tries to get it right, but when I did I typed the message:
“Can you even recognize me? I miss and love you so much.” I watched the little lights fill up as the picture sent to my parents before I slipped it into my back pocket. It made me sad that for the next six months, at least, this was the best we could do to communicate with each other. I missed them immensely. I was only vaguely aware that someone had just walked behind me and opened a cabinet. It startled me. “Hyoyeon, have you seen my phone?” Hyoyeon? I froze in place when I noticed the cell phone in front of me on the counter in its pink case. Only then did the voice register to me. Tiffany. And I was so sure she’d left with the others, but she thinks I’m Hyoyeon? Maybe from the back. A quick glance? Must be the hair… and the height. Either way I knew I wasn't going to let her live this one down. I bite my lip to keep from laughing and silently held her phone above my head. A few seconds later she took it and thanked me. She wandered a few steps into my peripheral vision and stopped to send a
text message. It was a good vantage point for me to stare at her. She looked amazing after visiting the stylist; her dark hair was flat ironed perfectly to frame her face. The newly cut fringe fell in front of her eyes mysteriously and even now it was hiding something. I could tell she was sending an important message. She looked very serious as she typed and deleted a lot like she was trying to perfect it. I figured she must be talking to her dad. Either way, I enjoyed every second of studying her face while I waited patiently for her to look up and realize who I was. It didn’t happen. Instead of acknowledging me after sending the message, she began to walk back towards her room glumly. This only reiterates my suspicions about her feelings. If it were me I know she would have stayed to talk, but she’s under the impression that I was Hyoyeon. It’s evidence that she treats me differently than the other members. I decided I'd follow her back to her room with a stupid grin on my face but right when I started moving my butt vibrated. Mom. Dad wasn’t much of a texter. Quickly, and a bit agitated, I pulled out the phone clumsily and saw that I received one new text message, but it wasn’t from my mother. Disbelief. It was from Tiffany.
“Tae~ how’s the stylist? All the girls are leaving for the show soon and I’ll be here alone at the dorm. Will you be much longer? Xoxo Fany” All that effort and emotion she put into the message was for this? For me? I felt a rush of affection for her... My muscles were completely locked into place and I couldn’t stop reading the message over and over, even if it wasn’t something significant. I saw the effort and feeling she put into it. I saw how she didn't even notice a person standing next to her while she thought of what to say. I wanted to know very badly what she had deleted in the process of writing it. I had to force myself down the hall towards her room with my legs feeling like lead weights. This development should have empowered me, but it instead put my weak heart into a state of swooning. This was no way to let her see me… Play it cool. Act normal. Be yourself. Pretend like you didn’t get the message. I nodded to my own commands and stuck my head around her open door stealthily. What I saw didn’t help my confidence much. She was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling, completely expressionless. Music was playing faintly from her stereo and her arms were above her head lazily. Her cell phone was in her hand as if she wanted nothing more for it to
come to life. All for me? Stop hesitating! Just do it! With a deep breath, I stood in front of her doorway and folded my arms. “Hyoyeon, huh?” I said, casually. I expected her to laugh at her mistake but her reaction caught me off guard. She gasped and spoke in a voice that was a few octaves higher than the one she used regularly. “That was you?!” When her eyes met mine a few emotions flashed on her face; disbelief and awe being the strongest. My smile faded as a small amount of fear ran through me at the idea that maybe she didn’t like my hair. But she walked towards me slowly and stopped when she was very close to me. Her hand moved my hair out of my face and I wasn’t afraid of the same thing anymore. “Tae... You look so beautiful.” She said slowly in English. She always spoke in English when she was excited. “You!” I smiled hugely, “Are very byoo-tipul!” I exclaimed in English to try and lighten things up.
“I know your English is better than that.” She chuckled, quickly returning to Korean. When her Korean wasn’t so good and my English wasn’t so good, my futile attempts at speaking English made her work harder to learn Korean. Nowadays, I mostly do it to make fun of her or make her laugh. “Oh, I love it…” She was fully focused on playing with my hair now. “Do you like it?” Well, I do now. “I guess it’s growing on me.” I said coyly. I diverted my eyes from hers; it was difficult to look at her in such a close proximity. “I thought you had a schedule today?” “Nope.” She said. “And you don’t either, right?” “Nothing.” I said. This was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Home alone with Tiffany for the rest of the day. My brain and heart were in a boxing match. “Like old times.” She smiled again, patting me on the shoulders. She was referring to the time we spent in together as roommates before we debuted. Felt like a lifetime ago. It got awkward and silent then and she’s still standing there running her hands through my hair. Her touch nearly unhinged me and I had to resist
closing my eyes. The longer this went on, the more frantic my stomach was growing. I had to take the attention off of myself before my knees gave out. F(x)’s 'So into U' began playing on her stereo. This didn't help. “So, I’m sorry if I interrupted, that looked important.” I pointed to her cell phone on her bed as I slipped my hands into my pockets. For some reason, the most important thing to me was trying to find something cool to do with my hands. “Oh... That was nothing.” She pursed her lips. Liar. I grinned. “Don’t be so formal.” She smirked and took my hand, pulling me back with her to her bed. Now, this was an amazing scenario I’d imagined several times lately, however, under different circumstances. “Anyway,” She pushed the cell phone aside and sat on her bed. I sat beside her. “I wanted to talk to you about last night.” Uh-oh. “Oh, what of it?” I asked without looking at her.
“Tae…” I try looking at her with casual concern. “Are you mad at me?” The way she asked it with so much fear behind her eyes gave me the impression that she had been building up to this for a while, like this was something that has been bothering her for a long time. “Of course not!” I said sitting up straight. “Why would I be mad at you?” She deflated. “Don’t lie to me.” She whispered. Time itself seemed to stop. I gaped at her openly. “Taeyeon, I know you. I know something’s wrong. And… I know it’s something to do with me. On the internet… with other members you seem fine. You act different around me and I want to know why.” She said in a rush. Of course she noticed. She had no reason not to, I made it so obvious. I sat there for the longest time just trying to find words. Speaking openly about feelings has never been my forte. Most times I even found it difficult to express my love towards my family. Being truthful to Tiffany while not ruining our friendship or making myself look like a fool seemed impossible.
My only hope was to drop a hint and ask for more time, I was in no shape to tell her how I felt about her just yet, I wouldn't have even known where to begin. “Fany-ah… It’s very, very complicated-” I started to say. “But I’m not imagining it then, there is something?” She said quickly. “Yes, but… I might not be ready to talk about it yet…” “Tae... What can I do?” She threw her arms in the air, “Just sit here and wonder whether or not I’m losing my best friend?” Drop the hint. If she feels as you suspect she might understand… “I think a part of growing up is learning who you really are inside.” I said as I looked into her face for any signs that she was picking up on what I was saying, “And something inside me that I’ve felt for a long time is coming to the surface. It’s something I have to deal with. And… when I find the strength Fany, I promise I’ll tell you.” The pain in her face faded immediately. We stared at one another for a long time; she seemed to be searching for something in my face. Switching from my mouth, to either of my eyes… like she was looking for confirmation. “And…” I continued, “You’ll never lose me.” Her barriers dropped. Her eyebrows twitched when I said this, her eyes went somewhat lazy as if she was dizzy and she took a deep breath all at once.
Oh... my god. She was the one swooning now. Whether or not she knew I knew this, I had no idea. She advanced on me so quickly that I thought for one earth shattering second that she was going to kiss me. Instead, she hugged me tighter than she ever hugged me before. Again, it wasn’t a ‘friendly’ hug you give to just anyone, her head was turned into my face and her arms were underneath mine. She gripped my shoulders with her hands tightly. She was practically on top of me. Before I could even form a coherent thought, I heard the front door open and voices came pouring in. We broke apart immediately. The girls were home. I made it to the hallway first. “Um..? What happened to the show?” I asked. “Cancelled!” Sunny said, shaking her hair. This seemed to be her new favorite thing to do. “Baseball game.” “What’s wrong with you guys?” Sooyoung asked. “You’re flushed. Did we interrupt something?” She grinned.
The others looked at one another, puzzled. I turned to Tiffany, who was indeed flushed, just like I must have been. “Later.” She mouthed. .. disco with diablo ..
‘Later’ never came that day but I don’t think I’ve ever been so understanding and patient about anticipating something in a long time. If anyone was actually worried about me losing my ‘animation’, I probably put them in their place that night. I was in the best mood I’ve been in in recent memory. Of course, everything that was carrying my mood was a mere speculation but it was nice to feel this light again. Sunny attributed my sudden mood swings to bipolar disorder when she caught me grinning like a fool at the ceiling later as she was getting ready for bed. “Weirdo.” She called me before turning off the light. My smile didn’t even falter and I hardly felt tired. I played over the days events in my head repeatedly very glad I had all this time to process everything. She was totally flirting with you, Taeyeon. I knew this was blatantly true because in our teen years, I saw her do it with
boys. I’ve seen the subtle changes that occur when someone she has a crush on is around. It didn’t even stop when the girls came home either; it just became more subtle and related to facial expressions. She really has a gift when it came to speaking with her eyes. I couldn’t help thinking what might have happened if they girls hadn’t come home… I became aware that I could actually hear my heart thumping faster. I remember specifically singing a song about this feeling in the past but never truly feeling it for myself. You could put me up on a stage in an uncomfortable outfit, heels that feel more like stilts and a heavy wig on live television to sing and dance and I would feel more confident than I felt being alone in a room with Tiffany. It was a sacrifice I paid for the life I live now. I have no experience with relationships and courtship whatsoever and I’m probably socially underdeveloped because of it. For the first time in years, I felt like a normal person to be thinking about this before bed, rather than dance routines or scripts. I rolled onto my side, my eyes still wide open with excitement. Sunny’s body was rising and falling rhythmically, obviously she was already asleep. A symptom of this new ‘condition’ I had was feeling was a strange openness I never had before. I usually kept my feelings to myself but right now I just felt like I needed to talk about this or I’d end up screaming. I controlled myself in the end though, realizing it was already 1 AM and I would have to be up in just a few hours to practice. It would be unfair to make Sunny have to be exhausted with me tomorrow.
But still, my eyes wouldn’t close. A cyclone was churning in my stomach. I stared out the window into the dark night sky and my thoughts went once more to Tiffany’s face. Her wide affectionate eyes... Her tall perfect figure and heart breaking smile... Those perfect pouty... kissable lips. Taeyeon... You want to kiss a female. I let my neck fall backwards and grinned wider. I wondered what it would feel like... Then, suddenly, I had the urge to laugh at myself. Did I really just refer to falling in love as a ‘condition’? Then I was amazed at how scattered my thought process was. You’re not sick, you fool, but you sure are a naïve kid. Falling in love. It makes sense. The meaning of that phrase comes to me. It wouldn’t be called ‘falling’ if you had control of it. My face breaks into a full blown smile and I cover it in my hands. I can feel myself turning red and I’m beside myself because I know I’m lying here
blushing at my own thoughts. How awkward… I sighed heavily and freed my face from my hands before I noticed my cell phone was lit up on the small table next to my bed. “Tae?” It reads. My mouth drops open. Is she trying to kill me? My heart rate escalated to a whole new level now. I glanced at the clock that read 1:30 and wrote back quickly. “Fany? Are you okay?” I rolled onto my back staring in disbelief at my phone. She was three rooms away and texting me at one thirty in the morning unable to sleep. The implications of this kind of behavior... “I’m fine. I just can’t sleep. I didn’t wake you did I? TT” “No. I was awake too. We’ve got to be up in like 4 hours you should get some rest. ^^” I answered. I leaned my head to the side against my pillow and waited for her to respond. A million thoughts were running through my mind. My phone dimmed in front of my face and I wondered to myself what would happen if nobody else was home and she wouldn’t have to text me… Would she just come into my room if she couldn’t sleep?
My eyes closed as I ran that fantastic scenario through my head with great enjoyment. “Unnie...” Someone pushed my shoulder and my eyes popped open. Unintentionally, I startled Seohyun who was standing beside my bed. Usually, I was a little more difficult to wake up. I found my cell phone lying on my stomach. The sun was shining brightly through my window. Oh no. I sat bolt upright and fumbled for my phone. “I fell asleep..” I said. Seohyun stared at me incredulously. I must have looked stupid. “I’m up.” I said, looking up at her. “Thank you.” She nodded and left, still looking unsure about my behavior. I waited for her to close the door before I looked at my phone. Two missed messages. “I know I should, I just really wanted to thank you for being so honest with me today. You made feel so much better. REALLY, you don’t even know…” “Tae?”
I winced and hit my fist against my head. Why did I have to fall asleep? “I’m so sorry, I fell asleep.“ I typed back, knowing it would avoid controversy to text this rather than risk telling her and having others overhear. Shaking my head I threw my phone aside and ran a hand through my hair thinking about the day ahead and how busy it would be but I had been anticipating this for a long time. I was just happy to get off my butt and be working again. I’m not going to lie, it was a very tough day. We haven’t had a full 10 hour practice day in a long time. We already knew the dance and there were just a few small changes to the stage version compared to the MV version we already knew. It was kind of awkward though… I tried my hardest to concentrate but I probably made more mistakes during this practice than any other one we’ve ever had. So many times I looked up into the mirror only to catch Tiffany staring at me, though it was more often that she would be the one catching me staring at her. Throughout most of the choreography we were right next to one another. The storm in my stomach grew stronger and I knew, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself yet, that I couldn’t carry this on for much longer, especially throughout these promotions. I needed a clear head. I needed to get this off my chest...
I sat in the corner of the practice room planning my attack during our break. I needed to find a way to get her alone tonight but my mind drew a blank. While the others were resting, she alone was in the middle of the room dancing. I rested my chin on top of my water bottle and watched her longingly. She always struggled the most with dancing but she has come a long way. The Boys choreography wasn’t the most difficult we’ve done, but it was more about standing out individually, drawing eyes. She's very good at this. I found myself in aw of her body as she moved. Someone pushed me and I found Sunny sitting by me. She looked toward Tiffany, and back towards me questioningly. “Two days ago you were upset, last night you were happy beyond belief but I don’t know what today’s expression is. What is going through your head, Taeyeon?” She asked. I decided to take the offensive. “Are you stalking me?” I asked with a smirk. She wasn’t deterred. “You’re hiding something.” “It’s none of your-“ “business.” She finished for me. “I don’t care.”
Sunny could be pretty fierce when she wanted to be. I sized her up, it was only a few days ago I’d considered telling her anyway. Last night I almost woke her up to tell her. Having someone to talk to about this would be so relieving… “It stays between us…?” I asked, taking her hand. “Yes.” Sunny nodded. I looked at her bleakly and threw caution to the wind. “I think I’m in love.” She remained expressionless, though frozen in place. She tilted her head. “That’s it? You’re looking at me like you’ve got six months to live because you’re in love?” I bit my lip to keep from laughing and nodded. She was right. I was taking this a little seriously. “You’re so cute!” She laughed. “Shh...” I said looking up. Tiffany glanced at us after Sunny’s outburst. “So…” She looked back up towards Tiffany and I could tell she was trying very hard to control her face. “When are you going to tell her?”
The smile faded from my face, as well as most of its color. I shook my head. “Oh come on…” Sunny chided me, “I’m your roommate. You don’t think I pick up on things? When in the last few weeks have you had time to meet any guys? Did you think I thought you were texting Danny Henney until two this morning?” I was speechless. “I’m happy for you.” She said. “We were wondering when you’d come around.” “We?” I whispered. She sat up straighter, “Just a few of us have been observing and waiting.” “Do you guys have a study group too? This is ridiculous. This is my life, not a weekly drama for your entertainment.” I said angrily. She took my wrist. “It’s not like that, Unnie, and it’s our life, too. We know what would happen if it ever gets out that two of SNSD’s members are in love with each other; it would effect us all, but we trust your judgment and we really just want to see you happy.” It took a while to register in my mind exactly what words just came out of her mouth.
“…if it ever gets out that two of SNSD’s members are in love with each other…” Mind. Blown. “Taeyeon?” Sunny pushed me again. “What?” I shook my head. “Are you going to answer me?” “Eh?” “When are you going to tell her?” Did Sunny not realize what she had just let slip? Better to keep it to myself. “I’m not sure how.” I looked back up at Tiffany who was still dancing. She’s in love with me, too? Sunny bit her lip. “You can’t expect me to keep this to myself.” I looked at Sunny severely. “Please? Just Sica!” She grabbed my arm. “And… maybe Yuri? Please!?” I thought about what else she said to me. About trusting me to protect them
despite the consequences if I happen to mess up… About just wanting us to be happy… This, also, touched me very much. After four years we truly were a family after all. “I trust you won’t make a spectacle of things? And you won’t tell Tiffany?” I asked. Sunny nodded, “Promise!” “And if anyone you tell makes a mess of things, you take full responsibility…” “Yep!” I grumbled. “I’m trusting you.” “Don’t keep her waiting, Unnie, tell her soon…” Sunny said, beaming as she stood. I stood also. “Yes, okay.” I said. I called everyone to the center of the room as our break was over. We needed to start actually practice singing and dancing at the same time and I had a particularly difficult note in this song to perfect. As we were discussing this, I looked up to find Sunny hugging Tiffany tightly from behind staring at me with a triumphant smile. Once again I realized I’d have zero concentration for the rest of the night after these revelations. But I managed.
With a sore throat and tired feet, we made our way home. As we were exiting the elevator, Sunny stopped me. A hand landed on each of my shoulders and without the others noticing the doors closed on us again. I turned around to find her and Jessica standing behind me, grinning. “Aigoo! Can’t we talk about this another time? I’m exhausted.” I whimpered. “We’re going to do you a favor, Taeyeon-ah!” Sunny said. Jessica nodded. “Please don’t do me any favors. Please…” I brought my hands together and begged for my dear life. “Trust us!” She pulled on my arm. I pushed the button to take us back to our floor. “Just go into our room and wait, Taeyeonie. That’s all you have to do.” “Oh! And push the beds together!” Sica says. Sunny started laughing. I stood there defeated as the doors opened and they walked ahead. Jessica looked over her shoulder to me and winked before going in the dorm.
.. complete. ..
I glanced into my room with a towel on my head and a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. Sunny wasn't back yet and I was starting to get irritated. I gazed down the hallway and saw that Tiffany and Jessica’s door is still closed. What is she doing? She said she wouldn’t tell her anything… I walked back into the bathroom to spit and take the towel off. I ran a brush impatiently through my hair and barely took notice of Yuri who was beside me using a skin treatment. “You’re a good kid, you know that?” Yuri said.
Not in the mood for this. “Actually, between you and me I believe you’re the kid.” I bit back. I felt Yuri staring at me, so I strained my neck to look up at her and realized how unqualified my short self must look saying that to her. She was wearing a huge smile as she patted me on the head. “I love you.” She said, returning her attention to the mirror. “No you don’t.” I smirked. “If you loved me you wouldn’t give me any grief and you’d respect your elders.” “When do I give you grief?” She looked at me, shocked. “Should I make a list?” She scoffed. “Calm down, Unnie. You worry too much.” “Worry about what?” I said, putting the brush down and folding my arms. “Sunny will come through.” She said smugly. “You’ll be a happy kid...” I sighed. “Should have known you were in on it, too.” I went to leave and she stopped me, turning me around and hugging me.
“I still love you even if you won’t say it back, Unnie.” She laughed. “Besides, it was my idea. Go wait in your room.” “Eesh.” I rolled my eyes and walked, admittedly, in a dorky way across the hall to my room. I left the door ajar and collapsed onto my bed leaving the light on. The one night I had all this time to reflect turned out to be the night I was too tired to think straight. I tried anyway because I wanted to be awake when Sunny came back so I could beat the living daylights out of her. I rolled onto my back and stared into empty space. I was pretty happy with the information I got from Sunny today though, whether she gave it on purpose or not. I wondered if it was true. I smiled at the prospects if they were. It was another slightly frightening to think of though. To take the next step with someone already so important to me would be unimaginable. I resorted to puffing my cheeks out and twiddling my thumbs to pass the time. I glanced over at Sunny’s empty bed and remember what Jessica told me to do. I got up and pushed Sunny’s bed into mine, pretty much just for something to do at this point, though I still couldn't see the reasoning behind it. 10:14, 10:38. 11:15. The clock was taunting me. This was getting ridiculous now. I could feel my eyes starting to sag and I decided to check one more time before I turned out the lights and rescheduled my Sunny beating for tomorrow morning.
I pulled the door open and hung my head out to see if the lights were still on down the hall, but my head collided with something, hard. “Ugnhh!” I stood there, clutching my head with both hands, wincing in pain. For all I knew, somebody could have just hit me over the head with a baseball bat. Surprising me further, I felt a hand remove one of my mine and looked up to see Tiffany holding her own head and squinting at me... “I’m so sorry!!” She whispered. My mouth dropped open. “Omo… What are you doing standing there?!” I asked. “Shh... go in.” She pushed me back into my room and shut the door behind us. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were still awake.” “Make sure I’m still awake, why?” I asked. “I didn’t want to wake you up.” I thought for a moment that maybe I hit my head harder than I thought I did and was perhaps suffering a stroke. She was making no sense to me, whatsoever. “I’m sorry...” She repeated. The remorseful look on her face made my pain less of a priority.
“Why aren’t you sleeping…?” I asked. She sighed. “I got evicted.” She elaborated after seeing the confused look on my face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with Sunny tonight but ever since we got home she’s just been on my bed chatting away to Jessi. And that was fine for a while because I had stuff to do before I wanted to sleep. But… after I came back from my shower she was asleep in my bed.” My teeth came together. Was this what Yuri considered a good idea? Keeping the poor girl up half the night on my account? “Jessi didn’t want to wake her so I just thought I’d see if you were awake, otherwise I’d just sleep on the couch. I didn’t want to wake you.” I looked at her and noticed she was carrying a pink blanket with her. She looked very cute, her hair was up in a messy bun but she looked tired… “No-no. Don’t ever worry about waking me up. Here…” I showed her to Sunny’s bed and cursed the midget in the back of my mind. I now understood the whole ‘push the beds together’ thing. I felt like a complete fool for not understanding this sooner. “We can move these apart if you want.” I said awkwardly. She fell into Sunny’s part of the conjoined bed.
“It’s not a big deal.” She said, smiling at me. I got into my bed beside her and it dawned on me what Sunny’s intentions were. She wanted to buy me time so I could confess to Tiffany. My insides went cold and I pulled my blankets up to my neck. Am I ready to do this? Tiffany reached her hand out to me, pushing my hair aside to look at my forehead. “I don’t think I left a bruise, where did I hit?” I freed a hand to put it over the exact spot that was throbbing and she moved my hand aside with her fingertips, examining it. “It’s a little red…” She pouted. “Don’t worry about it.” I smiled at her concern. “How’s your head?” She shook her head at me. “I’m fine.” I nodded. She continued staring at me and I stared back unsure what to say. “You must be tired.” I said finally. I wasn’t tired at all anymore. She shrugged a little. I turned the light off just to make it less awkward. It would have been easier
to talk to her without having to get lost in her eyes every few moments but the moon must have been large tonight because.. Instead of hiding her face it merely made her look like a beautiful monochromatic charcoal portrait. I could still see every one of her features, including the smile she gave me now. I was the one facing the window, capturing more of the light so she must have seen the surprise on my face. “I haven’t shared a room with you in a long time.” She said after a pause. “Yeah...” I said. “It’s like a time machine huh?” I glanced down between us and noticed we’re both on the edge of our respective mattresses. Like magnets… “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, Tae…” She paused. I watched her search for the right words, her eyes were distant. “When we were little and all this…” she raised a hand and motioned around us, “was just an unfathomable dream for us, I never thought I’d make it.” She was quiet again. I didn't know what to say to that; she never gave me that impression before. “But since I did, I just want you to know how glad I am I got to come this far with you.” She whispered, “If we had been separated I don’t know if I would have wanted to continue…” I forgot how to speak.
“W-why…?” I asked under my breath. She shrugged. “I guess since you took care of me so well, you became a part of me quickly…” She was examining my face closely. I wondered if she could see that my heart was about to break out of my chest. “Fany-ah?” I swallowed hard. That familiar acceleration in my chest was starting again and my thoughts were no longer making sense. “Mmm?” Just… “C-come here.” I moved over to make more room on my bed. She stared at me, blinking a few times and hesitating, but she complied. I continued leaning on my arms, staring down at her as her head landed on my pillow. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say...” I confessed. I brought my other hand up to cover the lower half of my face. I could feel it shaking. “Tae, it’s alright.” She took my face-covering hand and used much effort to delicately entwine our fingers. “You don’t have to say anything.” I felt as though I might start hyperventilating. Tonight was turning out to be the most intimate night I've ever shared with someone and me being so
inexperienced it was easy to panic. Her face looked so stunning... “Calm down…” She whispered, pulling me to lie down. I stared into her eyes, her face was inches away from mine and her eyes were light and friendly. “I didn’t mean to upset you by telling you that.” She said. Upset? I shook my head. Just say it… I opened my mouth but nothing came out. There were no words for this; my vocabulary was quartered. “You’ve got tired eyes, Kim Taeyeon.” She said under a husky chuckle. Delicately, she used her thumb to run over my eyelids causing my eyes to close one at a time. I made sure I had one open at all times so I could see her face as if I was afraid she'd disappear if they did. Her eyes were disappearing in her smile. With a deep breath I took her hand in mine, guiding it down to my chest and placing it over my heart. Her eyebrows drew together. “Why is your heart beating so fast, Taeyeon-ah?”
Because I love you. Because you complete me. Nothing would come out... I was starting to get really frustrated and I sat back up. She sat up with me. “You look angry…” She said. “I am.” I smirked. “Why?” “I feel like a coward.” I laughed. I felt the weight on the bed shift. She’s was moving closer to me, wrapping her arms tightly around my waist before putting her head into the crook of my neck. “Please be strong for me, Tae. I need to hear it.” Her voice was muffled. The stage was set. There wasn’t a single doubt in my mind now how she felt. She was respecting me and holding my hand through this without taking the opportunity away from me. She’s… perfect. She understands. I turned my head a little towards her and she vacated my neck to look at me. We shared a small smile but I could see she was biting on her lip hard. I
took one last breath and let my eyes close. I still felt like a coward for not being able to look at her while I said it… “I-I'm in love you, Tipani.” It registered after, in my brain, that it came out in English. I found that extremely odd. Now I was unable to open my eyes. I sat there for what felt like years just waiting for any kind of response… Then I felt it. A small hand on my face was directing me to her. My eyes came open at the movement to find her face so close to mine. She let a single finger run along my jaw line until it was under my chin and lifted it, tilting my head back. My entire body was buzzing from her touch. I closed my eyes again in fear of passing out otherwise. Finally, I felt her lips brush against mine. Her breath teased my skin and I loved every second of it. Kissing Tiffany was like nothing I ever experienced in my entire life. It was a whole new world in comparison to kissing a boy. If you could imagine being under water but still being able to breathe… like moving in slow motion but perfectly in synch. As if you could capture a spinning kaleidoscope and turn it into a feeling. Behind my eyelids, that was what I was seeing. There was no gravity. There was no up or down. I was no longer SNSD’s Taeyeon; I was Hwang Miyoung’s Taeyeon and I would remain hers from now on. I felt her pushing me gently onto my back. She took both of my hands in
hers and held them against the matress on either side of my head. Her fingers slid losely in between mine and I could feel her body come to rest on top of me. It was better than any kiss I've ever seen on TV, better than any sappy love story. This was like an amazing choreographed dance. Every movement of her lips against mine was slow and deliberate, filled with such gentleness and romance. I could feel urgency from her actions, as if she waiting a long time for this and I simply couldn't get over how soft her lips were. My senses were overloaded by her. Her scent. Her taste. Her touch... After what seemed like hours, the kiss broke. I looked up into her eyes, gasping for breath. She was wearing a satisfied grin and despite the moonlight drowning out all the color in the room, I could tell her face is heavily flushed. Her lips looked a deep crimson. “I love you so much, Taeyeon-ah.” She whispered. “Will you be mine?” I asked and smiled lazily up at her. She came to rest in my arms with her head on my shoulder, her legs becoming entangled in mine. “I’ve been yours for seven years.” She whispered. I smiled up at the ceiling gloriously. I rubbed her back while a hundred thoughts were going through my head about what happens now. About our future, how we’re now a ‘we’. This is what life is about. This is what I’ve been missing out on and now I can have both. I traced little lines along her back and felt her start to laugh against me.
“Tae…?” She asked. “Yes?” “You know that’s my butt, right?” Oops... I bit my lip.
.. byuntaeng ..
The look on Seohyun’s face the following morning had us in stitches after she left.
That fact that we slept together in the same bed wasn’t the big deal. It was common place, especially if we were traveling, that a few of us would end up having to share a bed. Our difference was that somehow during the night we ended up tied together in a knot. We were wrapped together so tightly that I questioned how I was still able to breathe. I had to give Seohyun credit; she stood there and watched us unravel for some time without any outward sign of concern. She was always good at keeping a straight face and even thought the spot of drool on
Tiffany’s chest was funny. It wasn’t until Tiffany sat up and dragged me with her that her expression became a little surprised. Somehow, Tiffany’s arm had made its way under the back of my shirt and through my sleeve during the night. We were sharing it like a conjoined twin. “Omo... poor girl. We have to tell her…” Tiffany said as our laughter subsided. I nodded. “We should have set an alarm or something. I’ll talk to her later.” I glanced up at Tiffany and saw that her hair was completely defying gravity, most of the back of it was standing up on end. I smoothed it over gently with my hand and soon after, I found her eyes appraising me warmly. This was the start of a new day. A new life. It would be excruciatingly difficult knowing that she’s going to be right there beside me all day long and that we can’t show any outward sign of affection towards each other. My plight showed on my face and I knew she could see it because her hand made its way to the back of my neck and she pulled me in for a kiss. I felt immediate comfort. She grabbed me by the top of my pajama pants to pull me closer. Her fingertips crossed the line underneath my shirt to rest flat against my stomach as she kissed me deeper. The place where she touched me burned and reverberated throughout every nerve in my body. I could actually feel my face flushing with blood and broke the kiss looking a little embarrassed.
“Are you trying to kill me?” I asked the same question I'd been asking myself all week long. Her smile alone was her response. She leaned back against my pillow and just stared at me contently, her eyes; perfectly arched lines. Someone knocked on the door and Sunny came in then, not looking in our direction. “I just need to grab something.” She muttered, obviously not trying to draw too much attention to herself. “You! Was my bed comfortable?” Tiffany pointed at her accusingly. “Yep!” Sunny grinned. She grabbed some workout clothes from her closet and turned to face us at the door. “I’d ask if mine was comfortable too but it doesn’t look like you used it.” She closed the door behind her. “She’s got you there.” I said, smirking. Tiffany sighed. “I should really get ready.” She got to her feet and I followed her as if i was leading her to her front door after a first date. Seeing Sunny brought me back down to earth and reminded me all about reality. I wasn't ready to face it, I could have stayed
in bed with Tiffany all day and forgot about who I was... Being alone with her this morning made me forget I was an international pop star. “Don’t look like that.” Tiffany said, using her hands to mold my face into a more desireable expression. “I’m going to be with you all day.” Sunny came back in then and all my hopes of an 'official' goodbye kiss were thwarted. Tiffany squeezed my hands and smiled at me before leaving. I started dressing, vaguely aware that I was choosing my clothes more carefully than I normally would for a simple practice. I eventually decided on my pink pants with a white tank top. They said pink on the butt. I couldn’t possibly think of a more appropriate day to wear these. Sunny was staring at my outfit too, obviously dissatisfied. “Hopeless dork.” She said as she walked over to me. “Yah! What are you doing?” I said. She started rolling the top of my pants down to reveal more of my stomach. “You’re trying to look sexy for your girlfriend, right?” She turned me around and continued to roll them until they got tighter in the butt. “Right.” She said, turning me back around and fixing my hair under a trucker hat, leaving a bit of my fringe out. I stared at her incredulously.
“How... come you’re not bombarding me with questions?” She smiled all knowingly, “Because your answers are already on your face.” I smiled. Thank you, Sunny. After brushing my teeth, I eyed myself in the mirror in my room and sprayed a bit of perfume. I took the hat off to refix my fringe and found a perfectly round bruise underneath my hair. It was purple now and I actually kind of liked it, it was proof that last night was real. I wondered if Tiffany had one, too; we could make couple bruises a new fashion statement. I laughed to myself. I considered putting on a bit of makeup when I heard someone yell something about our ride being there from the living room. I did one last quick inventory check befored I turned for the door. Tiffany was leaning against my door frame grinning at me. Her eyes appraising my outfit. She looked pleased. My girlfriend. I’m sure I was swollen with pride by now. She bit her lip and stepped back into the hall. The last of the girls were heading out the front door and completely out of view. She pulled me with her backwards, across the hall, into the bathroom where she pulled my faced to hers and I melted when I finally got to taste her lips again. She finished it by biting on my lower lip and giving me yet another look I’ve
never seen on her face before. I was certain at this point that she was indeed trying to kill me. “Come on.” She said, walking around me and down the hall. When she moved, I saw what I couldn’t see before. Tiffany’s height had eclipsed the fact that we had backed Yuri into a corner. Yuri gazed at me with an open mouthed smile, her brush a mere afterthought hanging aloof at her side. Shock froze me to the spot as we stared eachother down. I didn't really care that Yuri knew last night was an absolute success, I knew she'd figure it out sooner or later anyway, all of them would. I just wasn't exactly prepared to have them watching me in action. “Omo...” Yuri whispered. Her eyes were gigantic. I swallowed hard, turning on the spot and nearly walking into the door before pulling it open and leaving. Even when I got outside of the door and was walking towards the elevator I could hear Yuri yelling after me… “Taeyeonie! Do you love me yet?!” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------The week blurred by and before I knew it, it was the morning of our return to Music Bank. Things around the dorm had calmed down some. With our return
approaching so quickly, Tiffany and I had sort of become old news, a sideshow to those who knew about us. I still hadn’t legitimately sat everyone down and told them about us but those that were curious did ask. And I did tell them, Sooyoung and Yoona specifically, but it wasn’t like we were trying to hide it. We held hands around the dorm and cuddled together just like any other couple would. It felt effortless. It was always effortless with Tiffany. Sunny voluntarily moved out into Jessica’s room. I was thankful she initiated that herself or I would have felt horrible asking her to leave after everything she’d done for me. She sort of became my resident relationship advice therapist. I’m so very lucky to have her. She attributed all the overwhelming support I received from the other girls to the fact that ‘We aren’t living in our mother’s generation anymore’. Every time she said it, it made me think about my mom. The thought of telling my family that was in a gay relationship terrified me above everything else. My parents always liked Tiffany the most but in most Asian families a declaration of homosexuality usually resulted in being disowned. I know my parents would be very disappointed. But I wasn’t even ready to started using labels such as “Lesbian” or “Gay” to describe myself yet. I never really felt anything for anyone until Tiffany, not this strong anyway. Whether or not she’s the exception or the rule isn’t clear to me yet. I didn’t really see why I had to decide, I was fine not having a specific designation. The mood was heightened around the dorm. An excited buzz. A lot of nerves were on display and it was my job to make sure the outfits were prepared
and fitting everyone correctly. I tried my own on first. This concept was so different from anything we’d ever done before. What I was wearing was essentially a man’s outfit tailored and treated for a woman’s body. It came complete with a tie and had several layers to it. Grey, on black, on white… I was just securing the tie when Tiffany came in. She watched me for a moment before intervening. “You’re doing it wrong.” She said, taking it out of my hands. Her smile was such that I knew there was something behind it. “...You make a nice looking man.” She said, grinning. I smirked. When she was done with the tie she tucked it under my jacket and appraised me. “I think you should keep it out though.” She said, pulling it back out and using it to yank me close for a quick peck. Not a bad idea… “Where’s my outfit?” She asked. “The white one.” I said, pointing to one of the outfits bagged and hanging in my closet. “All white..?” she said pulling it out. “No.” I said, pulling out another bagged hanger. “This goes over it.”
She started changing and I excused my eyes back to the mirror to give myself a once over. It’s funny because when we were younger we used to change in front of each other all the time and it was no big deal. To Tiffany, it still appeared to be no big deal but to me… I just saw more to it now. I guess you can call me traditional... Tiffany’s outfit was a long sleeved white dress shirt with a collar and white shorts. Over the dress shirt there was a tan vest that was shaped like a corset. “Can you help me tie this?” She asked. I walked behind her and tied the vest behind her back. I glanced up to look at her in the mirrors reflection and everything looked okay. I helped fold her collar more evenly and straightened out her sleeves. “How do you feel?” I asked. “It’s fine.” She said, straightening out the shorts a bit. “The shorts are a little tight.” I almost fell over dead when I looked down to see what she was talking about. “Fany-ah, you can’t perform in these.” I breathed. “Why not?” She turned to me.
“They’re too…” Short. Tight. Spectacular. She looked over her shoulder to see for herself. “Wow. I can see my butt cheeks.” She said slowly. I just nodded and bit my lip. Tiffany's legs and butt were by far the best in SNSD, bar none. A whole new side of my sexuality became aware to me as I stared at her... assets. There was a burning in my stomach again that resonated throughout me. I shuddered at its impact. Sex? What do I know about sex? Nothing. Just... that I had an overwhelming urge to grope her. I didn't want to gape at her as I was … Okay. I totally wanted to look and I did. As inexperienced as I was, I knew that the very definition of 'sexy' was in plain sight, right in front of me, within arm's reach. I forced my eyes away and took a deep breath, feeling dizzy. I never considered myself a pervert, and I actually felt pretty dirty about my behavior of the last few minutes. Worse yet, when I looked back up to Tiffany's face I found her eyebrows resting high upon her forehead. She looked amused, but accusing all the same. Caught in the act. I looked guilty.
Surprising me, she took my hands and placed them around her, directly onto her butt. She watched my face very closely for any changes, as if she was merely doing a science experiment. “Yours.” She smiled. I puffed out my cheeks and patted her butt awkwardly, proud of myself for having enough restraint not to grab it and trying to regain my composure. With the importance of our comeback looming so close, the last thing I should be doing is thinking about my girlfriend's butt. “Sorry.” I said quickly. “I’ll call the tailor.” The day went on without a return call. I was starting to panic. Sitting in the waiting room, I was clutching my cell phone anxiously. Tiffany doesn’t seem as nervous. “I can still move fine.” She said, and that was great, but I don’t really want everyone out there to be staring at my girlfriend's butt. This was likely to cause controversy if she went out there like that... Bottom line is, it was racy, even for Kpop. -----------------------------------------------------We weren’t eligible to win this week and the award went to Kim Hyung Joong, but I was very pleased with how the crowd responded to us. I finally felt home again on the stage in my native land. Don’t get me wrong, the Japanese fans were fantastic but there was just something extra special
being on that stage again where it all started. When we got home, we congregated in the living room for our comeback tradition. Whenever we came back, we’d go home when it was all over and monitor the responses. Maybe, being four year veterans, you might think we’d have grown out of this but we always found our fan’s voices extremely important to us. I collapsed on the couch and everyone else came in. When there wasn’t a seat left, Tiffany ended up on my lap. “Looks like they enjoyed it...” Sica said with a grin. She was browsing through our official fan site. She typed in the web address of a popular kpop news website. There was a picture of us at the very top with the heading “SNSD’s Strong Return.” She clicked on it. Tiffany smiled at me while we waited for it to load; she looked tired, but happy. "Did we have any mistakes?" Yoona asked. Hyoyeon pointed at Sunny. Sunny grinned. "Almost fell." Sunny said. "What? How?" I asked. "She forgot how to walk." Hyoyeon laughed. "Aigoo." I chuckled.
"Ahh, it feels so good to be back doesn't it?" Yuri said happily. Jessica started laughing loudly. I looked around a little confused, wondering if this was just one of her many delayed reactions, but my attention was drawn to the laptop Tiffany was now pointing at. At the very top of the page was a picture of Tiffany and myself. She was ahead of me, singing. My eyes were down, pointing directly towards her backside with a pretty satisfied look on my face. “Omo...” Tiffany started clapping. Thsis was one of those cases in which she claps instead of laughing. Sunny wore an expression like Christmas came early. The rest of the article didn’t actually refer to the picture at the top, there were several pictures they could have chosen to head it but some fool had to pick this one. Jessica scrolled down to the comments and I saw things like,“Taeny is stronger than ever, I see.” And “You know Taeyeon's thinking, 'that's mine when I get home!'” I deflated a little. Our very first outing back and I couldn't even keep my thoughts professional. Well, technically they were professional if you realize how much trouble I tried to go through for those shorts today but looking at this picture would give you all the wrong ideas. This would add another notch to my 'Byuntaeng' counter. I really wascompletely innocent... this time.
I sulked a little while the girls moved onto youtube. I was hardly paying attention at this point. “Look at how green the map is. I’ve never seen it like that before.” Sooyoung was saying, pointing at the screen. I felt a hand lift my chin and I pouted my lips up towards Tiffany. “Don’t be mad.” She whispered. I laughed it off but in the back of my head I knew I had to be more careful in the future. I wanted to protect Tiffany and our relationship from going public. Tonight just taught me it wasn’t going to be easy considering a good portion of our fans have considered us dating for years. They’ll be looking for every single little glance and motion we make towards each other. It was essential to be more careful...
.. third pea ..
“Wow.” I breathed. Tiffany just woke me up for our approach and we were now glued to our window. Approaching in the night time was an incredible thing. She explained to me that the dark area surrounding the light was water. I personally thought that New York City looked like a living breathing monster
from here. Its lights were flickering up at us and I had no idea what time it was, but I got the impression this place never slept. “Welcome to America, Tae...” Tiffany said, smiling. It’s not my first time to this country, but being on the other side of it makes it feel like a completely different world. While Los Angeles was vast, New York was tall. If we were talking about first impressions, I’d consider New York more intimidating. The airport was loaded with people waiting for us and the other SM artists that we traveled with. People I’ve also grown up with… More so than last time we were here. I couldn’t help feeling that maybe, just maybe, we were starting to gain more attention in America. It was so different be shouted at in English rather than Korean. I’m very glad I put some effort into learning the language. Tiffany did help a lot last night. We didn’t sleep at all because she was preparing me… Our intentions were good. “No.” She said, hiding her face in her arm. I looked at her bemused. What is she laughing at now? “What did I say this time?” I asked. “It’s not that.” She said looking up at me. “It’s your pronunciation. Your English is good but you need to pronounce it better. New York is two words.” She smiled.
“Neyaaak” I said. “New. York.” She said slowly. “You have to pronounce your ‘R’. Arr. Arr…” “Arrrrr.” I imitated. “Now you sound like a pirate.” She started laughing “English is too much.” I scowled, rolling onto my back. “You need to introduce yourself in English. I don’t want you to embarrass yourself.” She said, pulling me back up into a leaning position. “New York.” She said. “New York.” I said slowly. “Good!” Her eyes lit up. “Try it again.” “Hi, I’m Taeyeon.” I say mechanically. “I’m happy to be, here.” I tried hard to pronounce my ‘R’. Tiffany smiled. “I hope you enjoy the show. Thank you, New... York.” I finished slowly. “You’re getting so good.” She said. I was very lucky to have a girlfriend who was willing to teach me. “What else can you teach me?” I asked.
“What do you want to know?” I think for a moment. “Where is the bathroom?” I said. She rolled her eyes at me. “What? That’s important!” I smirked. “Where is the…” She started. “Where is the-“ I imitated. “Bathroom.” She said slowly. “Batroom.” She shook her head. “Open your mouth.” She said. I obeyed. “Right here, put your tongue here and blow through it. Thhh. Thh.” She touched behind my front teeth. “Thh.. thh.. Ayi, too many noises in English.” I whined. “You already know that one. “ She said. “like, ‘Thank you, this, that, there, the…” “Oh.” I said. I flung my head back against the pillow dramatically. “Too hard.”
She leaned her head on her hand and rolled onto her side so she could see my face. “You don’t have to learn it all at once.” I stared up at her delicate face and get an idea. “Teach me this.” I say, getting up to lean into her ear and whisper. Somehow her face goes even softer. “That might be difficult for you.” She says. I just stare at her, waiting. She bites her lip. “You are the most-“ “You are the most-“ I say attentively. “Beautiful..” She says, starting to turn red. “Beau..tifffful.” I said, trying my hardest. “Girl in the world.” “Girl in the whir.” “Deh. Deh. Worrrrrlllld.” She annunciates the d, l, and r further.
“World.” I say. I sit back up and look at her, looking excited. “You are the most beautifffur girl in the world-eh. “ I said smiling broadly. Her eyes seemed to sparkle. “Really good.” She said. I leaned in to whisper something else into her ear. “Tae...” She said, covering her face in her hands. “Please!” I said, laying my head back down on my pillow to stare at her. “Alright, alright...” She said. She took a deep breath. “I want to.” “I wan to.” I say, staring into her eyes. “Grow.” “Grrrrrow.” I grinned, sounding like a pirate again. “Old.” She said slowly. I struggled with this one a little. “Orllld. Oh. Olllld. Old.”
“With you.” She whispered. “I wan to grow old with you.” I said, happy with my work. She just looked at me. “You are the most beautiful girl in the world.” I said, “I wan to grow old with you.” I can see her eyebrows draw together like they usually do when she’s feeling something particularly strong. She nods her approval. Her hand was resting on my hip; I could feel her edging closer to me. I make a fist in the air. “I got it!” Who said I don’t have aegyo? She grabbed my fist, pulling me closer to her. “Did you mean that?” She asked. I blinked. “Of course. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn-“ Her intense kiss silenced me. Needless to say, that was the end of my English lesson.
I still think it was worth it as we’re walking up to our hotel room. Fourteen hours of airplane sleeping time didn’t seem to translate into decent rest at all. I felt exhausted and so terribly jetlagged. Even in a zombified state I still try and acknowledge the fans as Tiffany and I walk up to our suite we’re sharing with the other girls. I had to stay behind to secure a few details with the hotel staff and Tiffany just wanted to be with me, the others already went up. I didn’t really care that I was getting last pick on a bed. I could sleep standing up right now if I needed to. The suite had three rooms a kitchen and two bathrooms. It meant three girls to a bed. A pretty tight fit, but we’ve managed worse before. Tiffany and I drop our stuff into the emptiest of the three rooms and collapsed on the bed. Tomorrow night at this time we’ll be performing at Madison Square Garden. I relish in that thought. “Unnies?” I look over my shoulder to see Seohyun standing in the doorway, looking unsure. “Can I be with you?” She asks. What would be the alternative? Does she think I’d make her sleep on the couch? If I told her to she would without complaining merely because I’m older. I love Seohyun to death but I can’t help thinking about how difficult it is to now share a bed with the one person I’m most unsure about when it
comes to explaining my relationship with Tiffany. Seohyun is an amazing girl but she’s set in her ways. She lives her life as though she’s reading the rules and instructions off of a text book on, ‘How to live your life perfectly’. She was the purest form of pure I’d ever met. When people called her weird it actually makes me mad. There is nothing wrong with who she is. I hope she never changes. But I was pretty sure as a Christian girl she might question my decision, which is fine. She has every right to. I’m just so scared she’ll think of me less as a person. That she’ll not consider me the good older sister that can take care of her and be a good role model as I have been. More than anything, Seohyun reminded me of the little sister at home I never have time for. In my own way, I tried to make up for what I was lacking there with her, even though I knew it wasn’t an acceptable substitute. “Seo Joohyun.” I called her by her real name. “Of course you can stay with us. Did you think I’d send you to the street?” Tiffany laughed. “Thank you.” She smiled. I just stared at her incredulously as she started unpacking. Tiffany murmured something to me about taking a shower before she got up and left. It was good, I thought. I’d been putting this off for too long.
“What do you think of New York?” I asked her. “It’s so big!” She said, her eyes lit up dimly behind her fatigue. “I wish we had more time to see it though…” Out of everyone, Seohyun was the one taking pictures everywhere we’d gone, including the airport and the ride in the bus to the hotel. The youngest of us was so intelligent, she knew to cherish every moment. We never liked to talk about it but this will all end for us someday. Seohyun recognizes that every day. Older than her years, Seo Joohyun. “I’m glad you’re with us.” I say, looking at her seriously. “Unnie...” She smiles. “I need to be a better sister to you.” I nod. I’m stalling. I begin thinking that maybe I should wait for Tiffany to be here for this. She’s much better at talking about things like this. Feelings... and such. “You’re a great big sister.” She says. I lay back and stare at the ceiling. Maybe I need counseling or something to become a more expressive person. I eventually fall asleep. When I feel the bed shift my eyes come open again. It’s pitch dark in the
room and I can already feel someone sleeping next to me. I realize immediately that this person doesn’t smell like Tiffany. Someone else is getting into the bed on the other side of Seohyun. Tiffany and I make eye contact and she makes an amused gesture at Seohyun and finally shrugs. I smile. The maknae that fell asleep between us. Entirely appropriate, I decide, since I’m aware the fans have dubbed her our love child. “I love you.” Tiffany mouths. “I love you, too.” I mouth back, laughing silently at this absurdity. This was the first night I slept without touching Tiffany since we got together. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The house lights came on for the finale. All of the SM artists on the stage at once for one last song together as confetti fell from the rafters. I had a few small parts in it that I was supposed to walk down the runway with an f(x) member for. It was incredible to see the place lit up, how many faces were staring up at me and trying to get my attention, even throwing gifts on stage. I ended up with two of those green plushy pea pods from Toy Story 3. One of these would go to Tiffany. We ended up playing with them on stage as the song wrapped up. I glance out and try to take everything in. American crowds can be just as spectacular as the Korean ones.
We walked backstage to change, peas in hand. The exhilaration was still running through me. This was the best part about what I did, live performances. It’s what I lived for. The energy you can get and gather from our incredible fans is magnificent. Performing on weekly shows was fun too but you had to focus on getting your choreography seen. In concert, you could run around freely and interact with the crowd. I couldn’t think of a better way to jumpstart a comeback. I changed pretty quickly into normal clothes. The sneakers were my favorite part of this whole process. Tiffany was taking longer and out of impatience I opened my pea pod and started throwing them at her. We were the only two left in the locker room. “Seriously?” She asked turning around and giving me a faux glare. When I ran out of peas, I grabbed her pod. “You’re picking these all up.” She said, turning around to ignore me. “Doesn’t the saying go, ‘two peas in a pod’? Why is there three?” I took one out and looked at it. “I don’t know.” She said. “Who’s our third pea?” I ask, grinning. I can’t help it I have so much energy right now. “Probably Seohyun, I guess. Our 'daughter'.” She said, laughing and pulling a shirt on.
“We need to tell her.” I said, picking up the scattered peas. “Do you want me to do it?” She asked. Finally done, she turns around to look at me and even helps me pick peas up after she told me she wouldn’t. “I.. Yeah that’s probably for the best. I don’t know how…” She nodded. “Let’s at least wait until we get back to Korea.” I zip up the pods and hand one back to her. She pulls me into a hug. “I don’t think I’m getting enough of you lately.” She murmurs. “I feel the same way.” I said, rubbing her back. I can feel her nod against my head. I wonder how long we can stand here like this before the bus leaves without us. She rocks me back and forth in her arms a bit and I close my eyes. "We can do this right..?" She asked. "Who else can say they get to take their girlfriend on tour with them?" She smiled. “We knew this wouldn’t be easy.” I said. Tiffany pulls away then. I follow her gaze to the doorway and see Seohyun standing there staring at
us. A few things go through my mind. If we were just hugging, she wouldn’t have thought it was a big deal. It was pretty regular. Even around the dorms we were very touchy with one another. That’s when I knew, Seohyun must have heard the dialogue. Her expression was blank. Not really upset, just blank. I know her personality and how formal she is. She won’t ask. She has to be told. “Come here.” I say, letting go of Tiffany’s sides. I direct her to face Tiffany, once again like a coward. And she’s still just blank. “We don’t want to upset you.” Tiffany says stopping to think. “This doesn’t change anything, okay? But Tae and I are together now…” I chance a glance at Seohyun. This isn’t good, she’s tilted her head forward a bit and her hair has fallen forward to cover some of her face. Is she going to cry? Tiffany and I looked at one another not knowing what to say. “H-Hey...” Tiffany frowned, touching Seohyun’s face. “It’s okay! What’s wrong..?” “Unnies...” Seohyun said in a soft voice. “I’m so happy for you.” “What..?” Tiffany asked.
“None of the other unnies have time to find love, and here you guys are…” She said before breaking off. I was beside myself. “So… You’re alright with this..?” I asked, hardly daring to believe it. Seohyun nodded and pulled us both into a hug. I looked at Tiffany behind Seohyun’s back with my mouth hanging open. “That we’re dating right? Girlfriends. In love.” I had to make sure we were on the same page. “You don’t have a problem with that…?” “I have no right to judge you, Unnie.” Seohyun said, tilting her head back and waving the tears away on her face. “Oh, but I did come up here to tell you the bus was leaving. Hurry.” We followed her downstairs. I was a little skeptical of the whole exchange. Not that I thought she was lying to us or whatever, it just seemed an odd reaction to have. If she didn’t like it, she’d never tell us. We had no way of knowing one way the other. It was a supportive parent’s reaction. Sort of like, ‘I still love you, but I don’t want to hear about it’. That was the impression I got anyway. I would respect her wishes. When she, herself, starts dating maybe she’ll understand all of this better. We alone out of the other groups had one more day left in New York for a fan meet we were to go to tomorrow. We got home and nobody stayed up.
By tomorrow, we will have probably started to adjust to the time change, only to get on a plane and get messed up again. Seohyun fell asleep on the far end of the mattress that night. I smiled. At least she was trying, for us.
.. two birds in a cage ..
I smoothed one of my feet over the other. The warm grains of sand sealed the cracks between my toes. The wind threw my hair against my face and deflected off my sunglasses. I pushed it out of the way and looked up to the ocean to see four of the most important people in my life relentlessly teasing each other and my girlfriend seemed to be getting the worst of it. Yoona was holding her arms back while Yuri splashed her. I smiled. I could even hear her screaming over the loud tide. It wasn’t until Hyoyeon intervened and took Yoona down that she broke free. Like children. They didn’t have a care in the world. They were like fully grown adults finally having the childhood they never got to experience. It warmed my heart to see them play. “I’m so glad I’m not out there.” I heard Jessica say beside me.
“I bet you’d be a prime target.” I said honestly. I saw Tiffany stand up and start walking towards us out of the water. In her red bikini it seemed like everything else started moving in slow motion. She was completely soaked through and with the angle the sun was setting, I could see light reflect off of her stomach. The sight of her body nearly had the ability to stop my heart. I noticed when she walked her hip bones would alternate in poking out slightly with every step. I could feel my mouth starting to dry in the wind. “Help me!” She yelled towards us. It was the wrong thing to do. It only alerted Hyoyeon of her attempted escape. She was pulled back in and immediately thrown off her feet. I grinned. Jessica pushed my shoulder. “Shouldn’t you go save your woman?” “That looks like suicide.” I pointed. “She looks very nice in her bikini, huh?” Sica pushed on. I didn’t think ‘nice’ was a good enough word. “Fany-ah always looks amazing.” I said safely. Jessica’s mouth became a line.
“You know if I was in on privileged information, I’d say she was trying to get your attention.” She said. I looked sideways at Sica. “And, are you in on said privileged information?” “I bet if you went out there the others would leave you alone.” Jessica completely ignored my question, biting her lip and giving her least convincing smile. It’s a lure. But why would Tiffany go through all this trouble? She should know by now she always has my attention. I tilted my sunglasses down and stared at Jessica accusingly. She stared back at me just as frankly. “You don’t get it, do you?” Jessica asked. “What are you talking about?” I asked. Jessica sighed and flicked my forehead with her finger. I narrowed my eyes. “Your ‘att-en-tion’.” She repeated, pronouncing the word oddly. This must be an American thing. I shook my head dumbly. “We’re on a private beach in Australia, and you don’t think you can see any romantic possibilities in that…?” Jessica asked me, exasperated. I did, if we were alone. Private beach or not, there was still ten of us
including our manager. I glanced over my shoulder to see him and the other girls’ barbequing near the house. This whole thing was a surprise gift from the president. We were in Australia to perform at a festival when we received word that ‘M Countdown’ would be replaying an old special episode this week and we had an extra day before we had to return to Korea. The President rented this house for us to stay for an extra day, in appreciation for our successful album sales I assumed… Jessica clapped her hands in front of my face. I flinched. “Focus!” I frowned. “We would give you space, you know…” She said. “We know you never get time... Uhh, To each other... If you know what I mean…” Oh! I felt my face burn and immediately looked away. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, silly. I think you guys are adorable and everyone gets to that point in the relationship…” I stared straight ahead trying to zone her out. I wasn’t sure Jessica was the one I wanted to be having this conversation with. And then something of more concern came to mind. “Did... she tell you to do this?” I asked warily. Jessica’s eyes grew. “Um, not exactly. She doesn’t know... I mean. Don’t tell her I told you anything…”
“But she talked to you about this, huh?” I said glumly. Jessica looked concerned. “Is she not happy…?” I asked. “No!” Jessica flailed her arms in the air. “She’s very, very happy with you! I think she just wants to take it to the next level…” I stared out at the girls again. Tiffany looked like she was starting to get annoyed with the others. She was already looking at me and stood up tall out of the water when she saw I was looking to wave at me. What’s there to really be afraid of? If I was lacking in a certain area in our relationship I would fix it immediately. I would never do wrong by my Fany, even if it meant giving myself to someone for the first time. She was the one; I knew that in my heart. I stood up and started unbuttoning my cut off jeans. I don’t really know where I got the courage from but it carried me. I pulled my hair back and set my sunglasses on my chair. As I turned for the ocean I felt Jessica slap my butt and heard her giggle. I turned around briefly to draw my thumb across my throat and point at her. Tiffany walked out to meet me halfway grinning behind her hidden eyes. “Is it cold?” I asked, folding my arms over my stomach. It was hard to be confident with her so close. This is easily the most intimidating I’ve ever seen her. She took my hands and pulled them around her shoulders, pulling
me into a tight hug. “Wow.” I shrunk away. “I guess it is.” Her body was cold, but I wasn’t sure if that was the reason I recoiled. Her bare stomach against mine… just… indescribable. “It’s not bad.” She said, pouting. “You get used to it really fast.” “I don’t really know if I want to get my hair wet.” I invented wildly on the spot. Stop being a coward… “We don’t have go under. Just join me, it’s really nice.” She gave me that puppy dog look. How could I resist that? “Alright.” I said grinning. Ironically, but not really, when we started walking in, the other girls were getting out, much like Jessica predicted. Hyoyeon made to splash at me but Tiffany stood in front of me and threatened her. Chivalrous Fany. Too cute. “Is dinner ready?” Yoona asked in passing. “Shouldn’t be long now.” I said. Yoona was biting on her lip. She had this way of doing that and it makes her look like a mischievous child. She glanced between me and Tiffany before being pulled off by Yuri. I glared at her.
“It’s so nice here.” Tiffany pulled my attention back. “Very beautiful country.” I said, my feet barely touching the bottom at this point. “Fany-ah, too deep.” I said chuckling. I had to start treading water. She turned and said under her husky laugh. “I forgot you were shorter.” She put her hands on my hips in order to hold me, so I would stop treading. After talking myself into it, I wrapped my legs around her waist in order to make it easier for her. She was definitely right about the water, it might still be cold but I felt warmer. “I’ve always wanted to escape to someplace like this with you. “ She said softly. I stared into her face not feeling any apprehension anymore. It was one thing talking about it with other girls, but when I looked into Tiffany’s face I could only see overwhelming love and attentiveness. She always knew what to say to take my breath away. “Then I’m very glad to be sharing this with you.” I said after a while. A swell passed through us then, pushing her into me. The gap between our bodies closed and I felt her against me once more. It made me laugh to see we both had the same shy reaction, looking off into different directions. When she heard me laughing she looked back to me and started laughing too. It was silly to be like this around each other, but we were obviously having the same thoughts about it. I saw the look in her eyes and I knew what it meant. I needed to take more
initiative with her. I needed to be forthright and show her exactly how I felt. I wanted her to know that I was on the same page with her. Before she could kiss me, I threw myself at her. Using my hands behind her neck I pulled myself up to be taller than her and kissed her with everything I’ve ever felt for her. I tried so hard to put so much meaning into this kiss. I think I might have taken her by surprise. When another swell hit us it nearly toppled us over, but she held me even closer after regaining her balance. Once again our bodies rolled with the rhythm of the tide and something took over me… I didn’t feel close enough. I wanted to feel her hold me tighter. I wanted to feel her kiss me deeper. I needed it. I needed her touch. I don’t recall ever wanting somebody so badly before in my life. When I heard an audible gasp a shockwave of pleasure ran through my body. It took me a few minutes to realize that the gasp had escaped from me. It woke up my better judgment and I roughly dragged my lips away from hers. She stared at me, wide eyed and breathing heavy. Every emotion I felt I could see on her face. The sky was darkening, and I turned around to look at the house only to be shocked to see how far down the coast line we drifted. “We need to get back.” I said shortly, taking control of my legs once more. She eyed me warily but I turned to go slightly panicked. I held her hand and pulled her along behind me. “Tae...” she said when we reached land again. I struggled on my own two feet, having not used my legs in so long it felt strange to be land again and not being pushed in pulled by the tide. Once again, she kept me anchored.
“Can… we finish that later?” She asked softly. I pursed my lips for a moment thinking, I could still taste her on them. “I think we’ll have to.” I nodded. “It’s uh. Pretty… necessary.” I said, smiling at my own dorky conclusion. She held my hand tighter. I could see the excitement behind her eyes. “There they are.” I heard a voice say as we approached the porch. We emerged wrapped in towels and immediately headed for the food. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelled it. I devoured it in no time and tried my hardest not to pay any attention to anybody else, because everyone seemed to have their eyes on me, Jessica being the most obvious. I turned my attention instead to the sound of the tide in the distance. It had gotten so dark now that I could hardly see the whitecaps of the waves crashing on the land. I see and identify our manager out somewhere in between the water and the house carefully arranging giant pieces of wood. “What’s he doing?” I asked. Everyone looked at one another, smiling. “I had a good idea Unnie.” Yoona said. That can never be a good sign of things to come.
“We’re going to have a bonfire.” “Really?” I asked with interest. I’d never actually been to one of those before. “Yes!” Sunny said. “Since it’s so nice out here tonight there’s no real reason to be inside…” Jessica coughed and covered her mouth, eyeing Sunny. “It’s so beautiful; I could even sleep out here.” Yuri said. Yoona snorted. I understood it now and glanced at Tiffany who was concentrating on staring on her plate. We were being bought time again. The girls’ never ceased to amaze me. Only in a bizarre lifestyle like this would arrangements have to be made in advance to even have a sex life. I turned red nonetheless. “It’s ready.” Our manager said upon returning. I quickly scooped the last few bits food into my mouth and stood up clapping. “Yes!” I said enthusiastically, acting as though as I didn’t realize what they were doing. “Who’s going to light it?” Hyoyeon wrapped an arm around me as we walked collectively towards the wood and said pretty loudly, “Give someone else a chance won’t you? I heard you’re already going to be burning the house down tonight.”
Embarrassing. I glanced at Tiffany again to see her silently walking and watching her feet. “Yah!” I heard from behind me. Jessica sprinted full speed into Hyoyeon’s back. Hyoyeon ended up flat on her face. I narrowly avoided being dragged down with her. Everyone was laughing. Jessica hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek before speeding off, being chased by Hyoyeon. “Are you okay?” I whispered to Tiffany. She nodded. “I just don’t want them embarrassing you.” I grinned, “Don’t worry about me or what they say.” She still looked uncertain. I nudged her. “Okay?” She smiled. I offered an arm to her and she took it. We found a log to ourselves around the structure. We ended up holding hands in the pocket of my hoodie; head to head we leaned on one another and watched the fire come to life with an audible whoosh. The girls’ cheered and many conversations broke out. Seohyun had brought out her guitar and began singing. I stared at the fire, watching it roll over and char everything it touched. Flames are a beautiful, but dangerous thing. Contained like this it was merely something to marvel at, but if left unattended…
I frowned. Did I leave Tiffany so unattended that the others actually had to push me in order to get my head into place? How come I couldn’t pick up on these things myself? Was she in on this plan? Did she go to them for help when I was too stupid to see her advances? I sat up straight and peered sideways at her. The shadows from the fire danced off her skin engulfing her in a strange pattern. She stared back at me looking curious. “I’m tired.” I lied, standing up. I was aware that everyone’s eyes were on me again. “A-already?” Tiffany asked in a high tone, sounding nervous as she got to her feet as well. I just nodded, vaguely noticing how brave I was being. “Goodnight.” I said to everyone, bowing to my manager. I counted silently in my head ten seconds until I heard someone running after me. Tiffany made pace with me. She remained quiet, seemingly stunned by my spontaneity. “The house is empty.” I stated. “I know.” She said.
“You’re mine.” I couldn’t help smiling. I saw out of the corner of my eye she tensed up and started walking faster. I started laughing and at the same time we started running together. Scaling the stairs two at a time, I felt like I was living a page out of someone else’s life. I pushed her backwards into our room and we stumbled out of control for a bit, landing safely of the bed. I pushed myself up into a sitting position on her lap, straddling her hips and stared down at her. The huge fire from outside illuminated through our curtains and made the room glow orange. The tint made her skin look incredible, I wondered if I could take my eyes off of her long enough to actually get anything done. I was sure we didn’t haveall night but I didn’t want to rush it either. Tiffany sat up, grabbing at the bottom of my hoodie before pulling it over my head and tossing it aside. I was left in my damp purple bikini top. She seemed to have the same idea; she ran her hands over my exposed flesh. I felt the spots where she touched me scream for more. My stomach, my sides, my shoulders. Her lips found my throat and began kissing at it hungrily. I felt my eyes roll close. “Miyoung-ah...” I crooned. This seemed to spur her on. All I could hear was the tide in the distance and her mouth... and very faintly I thought I could hear the girls’ screaming outside. My eyes came open and I tried to hear them clearer. I could feel Tiffany starting to unbutton my shorts. I gasped when her hand slid inside, but I could swear I heard Sunny yell my name.
I glanced over to the window becoming rigid. Tiffany stopped what she was doing and looked at me. “Did you hear that?” I asked. “No?” She said, her hand still inside my shorts. I stayed still for a moment, rigid, and glanced at her when I heard it again. She heard it too. “I thought this was a rumor.” The light in the room turned on. I faintly heard someone scream “Noooooooooo” outside. They.. they were trying to warn us. Our manager was standing in the doorway we didn’t bother closing or locking. He was glaring at me specifically. Tiffany and I edged apart. I chanced a glance at her and saw she was staring at the ground again. I was unable to breath. “I always considered you a great leader, Taeyeon.” He said, controlling his voice. “She is a great leader.” Tiffany said shakily. I wish she wouldn’t have.
“A great leader doesn’t sleep with their members.” He said. Ouch. He walked towards us, running his hands over his face and sighing deeply. “I never thought we’d have a problem like this.” “There is no problem.” I said. “She’s my girlfriend.” “Not anymore.” He said, “This ends tonight.” “Like hell it does.” I yelled, standing up. “You don’t control my personal life.” “You don’t have a personal life. You signed a contract. It ends tonight.” I stared in disbelief. The pain that was searing through my body right now seemed never ending. “Is that what I am to you Thomas? Am I a contract?” I lamented. I considered this man family for the last four years of my life. I wanted to say more, but my throat was so constricted that I couldn’t. I looked over at Tiffany to see her in the same position but now tears were streaming down her face. “I don’t care who you are outside this band but if this ever went public, all of us would be out of a job.” He said. “It’s too dangerous to allow.” “You can’t stop us.” I croaked.
“If I have to separate you I will, don’t make me treat you like a child. Think about your dreams’, think about losing this life of yours. As long as you’re doing this it’s a definite possibility.” I didn’t understand it. I fell back onto the bed. I just died. How could I still breathe and see? “If I have to choose, I’ll choose her.” I said. Tiffany looked at me, “Taeyeon, no.” “If that’s how it is then I quit, Thomas.” I said. “You can’t quit. You signed a-” He started “Contract!” I stood up and yelled. He winced. I knew deep down he hated having to do this but he could have looked the other way. That's what I expected him to do. If I would have known this would have happened, we could have kept it from him so easily... He didn’t realize he was tearing my life apart right now. “I don’t get to live?” I asked him, knowing it made him feel worse. My bottom lip was quivering and he looked away from me. “SNSD has grown up. It’s time they stopped sharing rooms. There will be two separate dorms when we return to Korea. You’ll remain leader without incident, Taeyeon. Tiffany, you’ll be sleeping downstairs tonight. ” He said quietly and left.
Like nothing ever happened. I stared at the empty hallway where he disappeared with my mouth hanging open. The tears came down my face without effort. I turned to see Tiffany with her face in her hands. It was unbearable to watch. I crossed the room to the window and pulled the curtains open. I saw them there all silhouetted by the fire staring in our direction. One was on her knees. "Tipani..." I said, still staring out the window. I heard her sniff loudly. "I'll never give up on you. We'll find a way." "I know.." She whimpered. I turned to look at her. The light behind her eyes was extinguished.
.. rebel's cry ..
I don’t remember physically boarding a plane or going home.
I know I didn’t speak to anybody, even if they tried to talk to me or console me. I don’t recall looking anybody in the face for a few days. If I had to, I’d give the obligatory ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response, but nothing more. I started having frequent headaches so sleep became my new hobby. When it was time to perform, I performed mechanically. On variety or talk shows I felt myself fade into the background. I only pitched in when I was spoken to. I felt like an empty shell. The most difficult part was interacting with Tiffany in the public eye and acting like nothing was wrong. She put on a good exterior for everyone but I could see in her eyes if we happened to make eye contact that she was just like me, walking around hollow inside but doing what’s been taught; being who they want us to be. The only thing I’d look forward to is coming home, going straight to my room, and waiting for Tiffany to text me. I knew she wanted to make me feel better and I could see how hard she was trying. So I really did my best to put on a strong face for her, even though this wasn’t even comparable to how things were before between us. It helped immeasurably but it still wasn’t enough. I was very surprised when I realized that none of the other girls blamed me for this situation. I felt like it was my fault, like I disrupted everyone’s living situations because of my ‘immature behavior’. I couldn’t think of it that way though. To this day, I’m certain I did nothing wrong. I now lived with Sunny, Sooyoung, Jessica and Yoona. The other girls moved downstairs to a first floor dorm that was impossible to get to without the door man seeing you. Thomas let me know that he’d be watching us and reporting any suspicious activity to him.
The depression I felt in the first few days turned into anger. When I was so much younger and I signed my life away something like this didn't seem significant to me. I was such a focused person back then… and while it garnered me great success I considered myself a fool now. I didn’t have enough life experience to really know what I was sacrificing back then. Now, I wanted to break this cage I was stuck in. I felt my phone vibrate against my stomach and my face lit up; a picture of Tiffany blowing a kiss at me. I stared at it longingly for some time before it became my new background. I was typing a response back when I heard a knock at my door. “One second.” I said. I heard the knob turn against the lock and glared up at it. I heard more knocking, fiercer knocking. Several hands knocking, I heard laughing too. When it built to a crescendo and they were full out banging on it I knew my concentration was shot. I got out of bed and unlocked it to find all four of my roommates standing there. I tried not to notice their expressions falling when they saw the state I was in. Messy sweatpants, messy hair… I didn’t have enough energy to be embarrassed. “We made you soup.” Sooyoung said, holding the bowl. I had to smile at their compassion.
Jessica walked passed and flopped onto my bed. I could feel Sunny fixing my hair. I couldn’t bring myself to look any of them in the face. “You can’t do this forever.” Sunny said sympathetically. “If you get knocked down you have to get back up again. It’s not over, you know that right?” I nodded. She forced my head up to look at her with her hand. It was hard to do. “You didn’t break up, did you?” She asked. “No.” I said. “Good, I was worried about that.” She said. I looked around at each of them now wondering what they thought about this situation. Wondering if they realized that when they wanted to start dating and be with people outside of SNSD that their path would be blocked too, but I remembered that Jessica had been out with a few people since our band’s debut. It made me even madder, was this treatment exclusive to me because it was a gay relationship? “Aww, cuuute!” Jessica yelled, holding up my cell phone and displaying my new background for everyone to see. Her face was genuine. I could tell she really cared about me and Tiffany. My anger subsided. It wasn’t her fault, after all. “Unnie were you just sitting here in the dark?” Yoona asked.
“I guess.” I said, sitting next to Jessica on the bed. Sooyoung laid the bowl on my nightstand and came to sit beside me, putting an arm around me. “Kim Taeyeon!” Sunny yelled. I jumped at her loudness. “Enough moping around, it’s time to fix this situation.” She said. I stared at her. “How do you intend to do that?” I asked. She took a deep breath and exhaled, blowing her hair out of her face as she began to pace. I watched her; slightly disappointed that she didn’t have some brilliant idea already. I was aware that Jessica was apparently taking pictures of me with my phone now, I wouldn’t look at her. “Even if we can’t fix it right away you can’t do this to yourself.” Sooyoung said. “Like Sunny said, it’s not like you’ve broken up. It’s just a temporary inconvenience.” She said thoughtfully. It wasn’t really about that to me. It was the principle. It was the fact that I couldn’t have a relationship because somebody else told me, because they were trying to control me. Because I signed my life away. He made Tiffany cry that night and I would take it personally to the grave until we got our life back. “What’s the one thing they’re afraid of the most about this situation?” Sunny asked.
“It going public.” I said. “Exactly.” She said, snapping her fingers. I tilted my head at her. “So, what are you saying?” “We could threaten them.” Yoona said. “No.” I said. “I’m not going to get you guys in anymore trouble. This whole living arrangement is my fault. I won’t make things worse for you guys.” “We don’t blame you.” Sooyoung said. “Well, you should.” She shook me a little. “Stop it.” “Make her look pretty” Jessica told the others. “I feel better when I look pretty.” I sighed. “I don’t think you should change a thing, Taeyeon.” Sunny said. “You guys used to flirt in public all the time before you were even together. Just go back to that.” “No!” Yoona said. “Make it even more obvious than before!” They’d finally arrived at the idea I, myself, had.
Rebellion. I could make the rumors run wild if I wanted to. I could see to it that a new Taeny picture or headline was posted on the internet daily. People looked out for these moments specifically. All I’d have to do is make eye contact with Tiffany or her body, or touch her… The Sones would do the rest of the work for me. Sooyoung was messing with my hair. “I’ll do it.” I said, looking up to Sunny, then to Yoona. A grin took my face for the first time in days. It felt amazing to just have a plan. “She’s back.” Sunny smiled, pointing at my smile. “Helloooo!” Jessica said in English. She was waving at my cell phone. I looked over her shoulder and saw Tiffany’s face. Her smile was huge. She was waving back. “Yah, give me that.” I said, snatching it away from her. I held it in front of my face and stared back at her. She didn’t have anything to say, but she just stared back at me looking happy. I didn’t want to video call her before because I didn’t want wake anyone up. She looked beautiful. She was giving me the x-ray treatment with her amazing eyes. Even through a phone it felt like she was looking into my soul. The girls positioned themselves around and behind me to say hello. Phrases
like “I miss you” and “Hang in there” were exchanged, but I wasn’t much attention. All I saw was her face. I felt them leaving one by one beside me. I looked up to see Sunny go, closing the door behind her. “Hi.” I looked at Tiffany. “Hi.” She smiled broadly, “Are you alone now?” “Yep.” I said, laying down and cradling my cell phone in front of my face. “I miss you so much, Tae.” She said. Her face crumpled a bit. “No sadness.” I said. “We’re going to be just fine.” She nodded and put her smile back on. “I have a plan.” I grinned. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Yuri, Yoona, Tiffany and I were shooting for Strong Heart the next morning and my plan was set. This was your basic variety show in which you were given a platform to talk about anything you wanted to. SM had rules about specific things we could and couldn’t talk about but today I planned on conveniently forgetting them. I sat there listening to the other stars trying to find the exact wording for what I was about to do. Then I got addressed. “And we have Kim Taeyeon leader of SNSD.”
Applause. I glanced up on the set to the monitor that was filming exclusively Tiffany. I could see her staring at the back of my head. My stomach was in knots. “What’s on your mind today, Taeyeon?” He pointed to a blackboard beside me that I wrote on. It read, ‘A butterfly under glass.’ “That looks pretty serious.” I nodded and looked my manager, who was standing on the set off camera, directly in the eyes before speaking. “I hope people won’t consider what I have to say as a complaint, because I love what I do and I’m very thankful that I get to do this for a living.” I paused for a beat. “A butterfly under glass kind of means… that we’ve been growing up under a camera for the last four years, right?” “Ah...” The MC said, “So you’re lamenting the lack of privacy?” “Mm… No not really even that. I love my fans,” I said, “We just have lots of rules in SNSD.” “Ah so they’re strict with you?” He asked. “Yes.” I nodded, glancing back to my manager. His jaw was stiff. “Can you give us an example of a rule?” The MC asked.
I bit my lip, feigning thoughtfulness before turning around to look at Yuri, Yoona and Tiffany. “I think the one that really gets to us the most is that we aren’t allowed to date.” I said. Yuri and Tiffany nodded meaningfully. I saw my manager drop the papers he was holding. This was something we were forbidden from mentioning. “SNSD can’t date?!” The MC asked with his mouth hanging open. “Nope.” I said, smiling despite myself. “We signed a contract.” “It’s really unfair.” Yuri said in agreement. “Wow! That’s such a huge sacrifice!” The co-host said. I looked up to Tiffany’s monitor and I could see on her face that she was enjoying this. I’d given her a rough idea of what I was going to do today but no details on how far I’d go. “So does that mean you’re interested in someone, Taeyeon?” The MC asked. “It must!” The co-host said, “It wouldn’t bother her if she wasn’t.” I bit my lip and waited dramatically. After a few seconds I nodded.
The set erupted. I waited for it to calm down, grinning to myself. “Is there anything you can tell us about it?” He asked. “I always think to myself that the best relationships would start out with a strong friendship.” I chose my words carefully. “So it’s a close friend of yours?” “Oh yes.” I said jubilantly. “We’re like two peas in a pod.” Yoona burst out into laughter. I kept a straight face. Was that too far...? "Would you like to put a word out?" The MC asked me. This was better than I could have hoped for. I nodded, staring directly into the camera. "If you wait for me, I promise I'll take good care of you for as long as you'll have me." I said, blushing. Tiffany's eyes completely disappeared. “That sounds serious! Aish. Some lucky guy out there…” The MC’s began to banter with one another. My mind was racing. I just intentionally broke so many rules and dropped a huge hint. This would be all over the internet tonight. I felt… exhilarated. I glanced to Thomas who looked absolutely livid and gave him a satisfied smile. This wouldn’t have to happen in public if he would give me my private
life back. They eventually got around to Tiffany. “Now your board says ‘Seeing things differently’, could you explain that for us?” He asked. I stared intently at Tiffany’s monitor. “My ideal type has changed.” She said. “How so?” “In past broadcasts I’ve mentioned that I usually like my type to be tall and broad and all that, but I think now I’d be okay with dating someone shorter than me.” The MC’s found this hilarious. They cut to a wide shot of Tiffany in which I could be seen in front of her. I used this to my advantage. “I just figured out what was really important and love can be found even where you’d never expect to find it.” Tiffany continued. I looked ahead with a small smile, trying to look obvious in an inconspicuous way. “Ahh. You’re growing up.” The MC said. “Yes.” She said. “You never know who ‘the one’ is if you follow specifics you’re looking out for beforehand.” She grinned directly into the camera. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the first time I saw him really yell at us. The entire ride home back to the dorm was full with his voice reverberating around the interior of the van. I just stared out of the window idly and didn’t take much of what he said in. I had no regrets with what I did. Rebelling like this lit a fire inside me again. I felt proud for standing up to him. He followed us all the way into the lobby before I rounded on him. “Do you want to stop this from happening again? Let the girls move back in.” I said in a calm voice. “Not a chance.” He said, gritting his teeth. “Do you not consider other people? I have feelings, Thomas.” “This isn’t a personal attack on you, Taeyeon, it’s for the group.” He said warily. His anger faltered on his face. It made me cringe a little because I knew as a person, as a friend he cares deeply for me, for all of us. I couldn’t stand for this, though. “Then how come Jessica can date?” I asked. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I’ll play by your rules. You want us to live separately that’s fine but it won’t change my feelings for her.” I said. “Are you trying to get me fired?” He asked. “No. I don’t want that. I’m not like you Thomas, I still care about you. You’re
just going to have to deal with the fact that I’m dating Tiffany. I’m an adult and I’m responsible enough to keep this a secret.” I said. The girls from the other dorm were standing and watching from a distance, nearer to their front door. He shook his head at me. “So things carry on as normal then. Fany-ah!” I called over his shoulder to her. She looked at me. Her eyes were wide with something I couldn’t put my finger on. Was she impressed? Proud? “Dinner tonight?” I asked. The smile spread across her face slowly. “Yes!” She yelled. I winked at her. The door opened for our elevator and Yoona and I got on. I stared into Thomas’s face as the doors closed. He was painted with a mixture of guilt and defiance. He looked wounded. “Wow, Unnie, you’re so cool.” Yoona said breathlessly. “I can’t believe I just did that.” I said. My legs and hands felt numb. I considered myself to be a calm level headed person, going out of the lines like this was something so different for me but I knew I had to stand up for what I believed in. I felt bad but at the same time I knew if he got impression he could bully us around now it would never get better for any of us.
“You were perfect. “ She said. “You’ve got him on the run; did you see the look on his face?” I said nothing, merely staring ahead at my own reflection on the elevator doors. I couldn’t recognize myself again but this time it didn’t have to do with my hair. I was standing taller. I felt liberated and stronger. I didn’t look like a child anymore, though I haven’t been for some time, I still felt like one on the inside before. In the last month, I had too many ‘firsts’ in my life to even count and it was all because of her. Adult Taeng. Yoona didn’t hesitate to relive every moment of Strong Heart for the others when we got into the dorm. I was pushed in a chair and forced to recite the days’ events back. It really took entirely too long for them to let me go. When I entered the lobby I made sure to look deliberately at the door man as I passed towards the other girls’ dorms. I knocked on the door and tried to straighten my hair before putting my hands in my pockets. Seohyun opened the door. She stared at me opened mouth knowing I wasn’t supposed to be there. I waited there, with my eyebrows raised staring back at her. I wanted to laugh. A part of me thought she was going to slam the door on
my face. “Can I come in?” I asked finally. She stepped back and held the door open for me, still looking amazed. As I passed by her I touched her face. “I miss you, Unnie.” She said sadly. “Oh, you stop it.” I said. “I’m still here, if you ever need anything you tell me.” Hyoyeon walked in and a wide grin spread across her face at the sight of me. Yuri followed. But I was looking around their dorm. It looked smaller than ours. Guilt swelled inside me. “I’m really sorry this happened.” I said, looking around at them. “We’re behind you.” Seohyun said in a small voice. Hyoyeon nodded. Yuri hugged me and it turned into a group hug. I’ll never be able to put into words how grateful I am for my sisters. “So, where’s Tiffany’s room?” I asked, glancing up at the clock and realizing it was five past. Hyoyeon pointed me in the right direction. “She’s been getting ready for an hour.” She chuckled.
“Thanks.” I grinned, walking down the hall. I found her door open. She was standing in front of a mirror looking at herself, her eyebrows furrowed. I leaned against the doorway wanted to stay here as long as I could and watch her. She was wearing skinny jeans and a white tank top, carrying a hoody loosely. Her hair was pulled up and her sunglasses were nestled on her head, just above her bangs. She was ready to go incognito. I had a vision of living in a world where I’d be able to take her out to a really nice restaurant in a beautiful dress and not have to worry about people looking at us. I looked at the rest of the room and felt sad when I saw it was missing the same things my room was missing; only one bed. Seeing Tiffany’s room again made me feel that there wasn’t enough pink in my own room anymore. I knew she was there right before I felt her. Her lips landed softly on the corner of my mouth, her hands came to rest flat against my stomach and suddenly everything felt right in the world again. I closed my eyes and turned my head into hers feeling her lips against mine for the first time in over a week. It was like nearly drowning and finally breaking the surface to come up for air; I could breathe again. She leaned me into the doorway using her fingertips to guide my face up to her. I opened one eye and glanced over her shoulder down the hall to see three heads disappear back into the kitchen at the same time. I smirked against her lips and put a hand on her shoulder to push her fully into her room, pulling the door shut with me.
She eventually pulled me into a hug with her with a hand on the small of my back. I buried my face into her neck, running my nose along the side of her face and hair. I tried to inhale as much of her as I could, delirious with her scent once more. I slid my hands into her back pockets to pull her closer. “My little trouble maker, why did you look so somber?” She cooed affectionately and caressed my hair. Somber? Funny, right now I couldn’t remember ever feeling somber in my life.
.. breaking point ..
We walked hand to the edge of the stage. The room was full as usual, but for once it was only surrounded by family and friends. I kept eyeing Tiffany out of the corner of my eye; she looked so gorgeous in her sparkly white dress. I was overwhelmed with the pure joy that was being shot through my veins by my heart with every beat. I felt so lucky just to be here. The man in the black robe we approached had his back to the audience, presumably so they could see every interaction between us. We were always in spotlight, after all. It seemed appropriate to be married on a stage.
“Before we get started,” He said, turning around to face them, “does anybody oppose this union?” I stared out at the people, taking in their faces. Even my family was here, supportive, despite my worst fears. I smiled at them. “We do.” I heard from the side. My entire body tensed up. Approaching us wearing terrible smiles were Jessica and Yuri, hand in hand; the only two of our bridesmaids wearing black. I gaped at them as they stopped beside us. “Why?” I asked in a small voice. Yuri laughed, looking down upon me. She seemed taller than normal. Both her and Jessica’s makeup was intense, they almost didn’t look themselves. They looked absolutely horrible, but heartbreakingly beautiful at the same time. “Isn’t it obvious?” She asked me, sneering. “I’m in love with Tiffany.” I choked. Jessica smiled up adoringly at Yuri. “YulTi is pretty popular…” She let her eyes fall back to me lazily and she bit her lip, “and so is TaeSic.” “W-..What?!” I asked, glancing between the pair of them, “Have you lost your minds?” “You need to learn how to share, Unnie.” Yuri said unsympathetically. She
looked at me like I had been terribly rude. I looked back into the crowd to see my parents seemingly very confused. “I’m not sharing! How could you do this to me on my wedding day?” My voice was rising. She held a hand up to silence me. “You’ll learn soon enough.” She held her hand out to Tiffany. I watched in horror as Tiffany went to her. “T-Tipani?” I practically begged, my voice breaking. She took Yuri’s hand, and with all the lightness and happiness in her eyes, rolled onto her toes to kiss her. There was nothing sweet about this kiss, it was hungry and sexual and it was right in front of my parents. I could have died. “N- No..” I whimpered. Jessica was approaching me now. “Shhhh...” She put a finger on my lips in an effort to sooth me, using her other hand on my shoulder to back me off stage. I was shocked to find we were already in a bedroom and she was pushing me onto my back. “I’ll take care of you, Taeyeonie...” She whispered, staring with carnal desire that I found frightening.
“No... I don’t want-.. Please. Fany-ah!” I called out “She can’t hear you...” Jessica said in mock sadness and she tilted her head to nibble on my ear. “D-Don’t! Fany-ah! FANY-AH!” … Something hit me hard in the face and my eyes opened against darkness. I moved the pillow out of the way to find Sunny standing there in her robe glaring at me. Her hair was an abstract piece of art on top of her head. I was stunned to find myself in the living room on the couch with a laptop on my lap. “Are you trying to wake up South Korea?” She asked between her teeth. I was brought up short. Was I sleeping? Was I talking? I looked about completely confused and went to rub my eyes only to find that they were wet. “Bad dream?” She asked, sitting next to my feet. “I... I guess so.” I said, dazed. The pillow she threw at me knocked the laptop out of its sleep mode and I could see I was still logged into Soshified forums, under an alias of course, looking at the pairing forums. It all came back to me now, I was searching these forums because Strong Heart aired last night and I was looking for
immediate reactions which were better than I could have hoped for. Not only were the locksmiths thrilled about all the Taeny moments and spreading it like wildfire, they were angry at SM for their encroaching rules against us. I did get sidetracked, though. Obviously, my subconscious had taken the posts of the other pairings I read a bit more seriously than I had originally thought. I turned the laptop off and set it on the table, sitting up and clutching my head in my hands. That dream was so real… Sunny rubbed my back. “It was only a dream.” I nodded and got up, going to my room to finish packing. I woke the others after getting dressed. We had to be at the airport in two hours to go to Singapore for the MAMA awards, something our younger members were rather nervous about seeing as we’ve only come back to Korea for a month know. We were up for some pretty high honors but I didn’t think we’d win. The competition was pretty stiff this year. When I was ready, I left my bags downstairs in the lobby and went to check on the other girls to make sure they were coming along. Well, it was a noble excuse anyway. I found their door already open and Hyoyeon was carrying her luggage through the kitchen. She stuck her tongue out at me and I grinned. I checked on Yuri first who looked like she was almost ready. Seohyun was already gone. I followed the music, back to Tiffany’s room and found her packing in a very
different way. She was singing along to our song ‘My J’ while she was folding and stuffing her suitcase. It was obvious that she was in a good mood. I watched her through the crack in her door. “…Tumyeong hago saljjak hwan hage…” She danced around daintily. I moved slowly trying to pull out my cell phone out of my pocket to record this. “Saranghae yo My Tae! My Tae, my Tae, saranghae yo nawa-“ She sang into the mirror. I froze when I heard her revised lyrics. My phone dropped to the ground and she turned to see me there. We had an extended stare down of one another and for the first time she didn’t look pleased to see me. I smiled innocently. “How long were you there..?” She asked. I nodded thoughtfully, “Long enough.” “You could have told me.” She said, sounding upset and packing in a much more professional manner now. “What? And stop that from happening? Not in a million years.” I said laughing. She looked at me coldly and said nothing.
“Hey...” I said, crossing her room and putting a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t be mad at me. That was adorable.” I tried to console her. Tiffany didn’t like getting embarrassed. She pouted at me through the mirror and I crossed my eyes to try and make her smile but she ignored me. I tried to make my most intense puppy dog face which actually probably made me look like a fish and I saw the corner of her mouth twitch. She turned around and poked me in the stomach. “Am I forgiven?” I smirked. “I guess.” She said unconvincingly, but she smiled. “Are you almost ready?” I asked. “Just about…” She said, putting a few more things into her suit case. “You know I had the strangest dream last night.” I said, chuckling. “Tell me about it.” She zipped up her bag and picked it up off the bed. “I’ll tell you on the plane.” I laughed again, walking with her into the lobby. She didn’t think it was as funny as I now did. She was more concerned with how much I was immersing myself into the media and fan forums, saying I was going to lose my head if I kept letting it get to me. We could agree to disagree. After fully waking up and replaying the fuzzy details back to myself, the whole dream seemed rather absurd.
The morning of the awards came and I wasn’t particularly excited to sit down for hair and makeup for three hours. I put my headphones in and closed my eyes thinking about the great performances I’d get to watch, and performing our own remix. I always enjoyed these award shows, it was less of just getting there performing and leaving and more about being a part of the musical community. I was taken back when I saw the results of three hours of hair and makeup. My hair was drawn up my banks were swept perfectly across my face. There wasn’t a single speck or imperfection to be seen. I almost looked like I was being photoshopped in real time. It felt unnatural but… in a way I felt like a princess. After putting the dress on the fairytale was complete. It was lavender and short. It showed more of than I was used to, but I admit it fit me and the concept very well. One by one I started seeing the others emerge completely decked out. It was a stark contrast from past award shows that we attended all matching one another. Every girl was showing off her best aspect tonight. It was astounding. Tiffany looked absolutely breathtaking. Her shiny dress would be a source of distraction tonight. The night was long, we had already performed and they were starting to get to the bigger awards. I was seated between Tiffany and Seohyun behind the others and so far had been on my best behavior. There was a camera man making the rounds around our area so when I could, I’d hold Tiffany’s hand low so it wouldn’t be caught on TV. The MAMA awards were way beyond Korean broadcasting, it was a worldwide event. I glanced over to Thomas who was sitting off to the right of
us. Tiffany hit my knee before some applause started. Two presenters were coming to the stage now. “Best female group.” She said excitedly. “Fany-ah, don’t get your hopes up…” I warned, watching the nominees being played on the screen in front of us. “You don’t think we’ll win?” She turned to me. “Not really.” I said, staring up at 2ne1’s video. She poked my nose. “Have a little more faith, Taetae.” She said. I smirked, peering over at Seohyun who appeared to be holding her breath. “…and the 2011 MAMA Best Female group goes to…” The male presenter said. I glanced up at him, no longer breathing either. It was suddenly very loud and I hadn’t heard what he said. Everyone rose around me and I looked confused. Tiffany pulled me up and started dancing, so I followed her lead. “We won!” She said. “What? Are you sure?” I gaped at her, but sure enough after looking around
I saw our video being displayed now. Wow. I followed them up with a stupid grin on my face and stood up there as they talked. I couldn’t even grasp how large this place was with the house lights on. It was my turn and I mentioned the Sones mechanically. I still haven’t wrapped my head around the fact that we won, but I could feel Tiffany’s hands on my shoulders. My life support. We returned to our seats and it still hadn’t really sunk in for me. Tiffany handed me the award and I looked at her dumbfounded. “Told you.” She said. I beamed. Someone came to lean beside us. “No more stunts.” Thomas said in my ear. “What?” I said, looking up at him puzzled. “I didn’t even do anything!” He shook his head. “I saw it. I saw you dancing. I saw her holding you on stage.” He pointed his finger in Tiffany’s face. The straw the broke the camels’ back. I furiously knocked his hand out of the way.
“Seriously? I can’t even touch her?” Tiffany asked, with raised eyebrows. I shook my head, language failed me. My blood was boiling. I really wasn’t even trying to do anything this time. “Thomas. This is over. You don’t even want to know what I’m capable of.” I said to him, waving him off. “Are you threatening me?” He asked. “Even if I have to do it myself I’m moving the girls back in when we get back to Korea. We’re done playing games.” I turned to glare at him. “If I have to… I’ll get the President involved.” He said, looking wary. Unbelievable. “Go ahead. Call him.” I said, just trying to get rid of him. “It won’t stop me.” The next presenters were on stage now, and Thomas finally returned to his seat. I was so mad; Tiffany was trying so hard to calm me down. Even Seohyun seemed upset. “What is this?” I said, pointing up to the stage trying to distract myself. “Artist of the year.” Tiffany said. I sighed looking up at 2ne1’s video again.
Tiffany took my hand and leaned her head in close to mine. “Are you really going to move us in?” She whispered. “Yes.” I said defiantly, glaring back at Thomas. I felt Tiffany squeeze my hand and I sighed, staring back up at the presenters blankly. I knew I’d do it, too. How could anybody be so disrespectful to Tiffany? After four years with this guy he’s showing his true colors. This wasn’t over, this only just the beginning. I’d make him pay for this, even if I had to carry every piece of furniture, lamp, plushy up fifty flights of stairs… “So Nyuh Shi Dae!” The presenters yelled together. My mouth dropped open. Artist of the year? Really? Nobody was so quick to shoot out of their seats this time. We looked at each other wondering if there had been a mistake before we slowly got to our feet. I stayed behind while the others started making their way onto the stage. This was one setting in quicker than the other one. I was elated, adrenaline was running through my veins, and I had two words for Thomas before I got on stage. I patted him on the shoulder and knelt down to whisper in his ear slowly. “Watch... this…” I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do and I don’t know what came over me. Suddenly, I was running to catch up and then… I was just running to
run. I cleared the stairs and saw my girlfriend in front of me; in her sparkly white dress… the stage was ours… I took her hand as I blew past the others and she ran right along with me. I made a triumphantly dorky face at a camera we passed along the way. “Oh my god!” I heard her say in English beside me over the screaming crowd. It was wide open in front of us and we made it ours, running as fast as we could in our heels. She was pulling me along and I felt weightless. The girls were at our heels now running as well. I tried to stand as close to Tiffany as I could during the acceptance speech, so close that I caught a blast of her perfume. I felt dizzy staring at everyone with the houselights on. The sea of people seemed to go on forever, but at that moment every doubt about how we’d be received disappeared. SNSD is back. Taeny never left. I grinned and gave a thumbs-up to the camera. ----------------------------------------Little was said on the ride back to the dorms from the airport. Thomas followed us into the lobby to tell us to use tomorrow as a day of rest and probably just to make sure we went to separate dorms. I wasn’t sure if he
took my threat seriously and I hadn’t spared him a single glance since the incident at the awards, much less any words. I saw him walking back out to the parking lot as the door closed on my roommates and me. The elevator only just started rising when I slammed on the emergency break. The whole compartment shook violently. “Yah! What the heck?!” Jessica yelled, bumping into me to keep from falling over. “We need to go back down.” I said thoughtfully as I glanced over the different buttons on the control panel. “Why?” Sooyoung asked, as Sunny stepped forward to take control of the elevator. We were descending again. “I just need to talk to everyone.” I said. I could see Sooyoung and Yoona look at each other oddly at my statement before the doors opened again. I inspected the lobby slowly to make sure he had left before I led the girls to the other dorm. I found their door unlocked, so I didn’t bother knocking. “Yah! Come here!” I shouted and went directly to their living room. Sica and the others from my dorm sat on the couch looking curious as the others came out slowly to join them.
I paced in front of the couch trying to find the right words. I glanced up to see Tiffany leaning against the wall staring at me inquisitively. I smiled at her. “What is it, Unnie?” Yuri asked for everyone else. Addressing them in a serious matter like this as a leader still made me nervous. Even in my position I never had to push any authority on them. We worked as a group; everyone did their parts without having to be told. We more or less worked like a well oiled machine after four years. Leader was just another way of letting people know I was the oldest. “I’ve made a decision I want to run by you guys…” I said. “Oh great, are you going to try and step down as leader again?” Yuri asked. This got a few smiles. “No, I’m stepping up actually.” I answered seriously. “I just want your opinions first.” I scratched my head awkwardly and cleared my throat. They were just staring at me intently. “So... who thinks SNSD should be living together?” I asked. Unanimous hands in the air. I nodded. “Right, well we have a day off tomorrow so… anybody that wants to move back upstairs have your stuff packed by tomorrow morning. I’ll help you take it up.”
Sunny and Tiffany smiled at one another, the others looked shocked. “What about Thomas Oppa?” Seohyun asked. “That’s why I want you guys to take this decision seriously.” I folded my hands. “This is my decision, not his. He doesn’t know about this.” It was silent and I avoided their eyes, opting to look at Tiffany. She nodded at me encouragingly. “Put some thought into it.” I said, taking a few steps towards the door. “I’ll be by in the morning and uhh... I won’t hold your decisions against you. If anything happens, if we get into trouble, I’ll take full responsibility.” Someone grabbed my elbow. “But what happens to you then?” Seohyun said, standing up. “I... don’t know. I’m ready to find out though. I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m the reason this happened.” I said, reaching up to pat Seohyun on the shoulder. “Don’t worry so much. I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning.” I left with my hands in my pockets hoping, praying, I was doing the right thing. Even if this was something that could potentially get me thrown from the group, and it surprised me immensely how little I was concerned about that, it was still the right thing to do for the others. We need the time to bond with one another. My girls come first.
“Kim Taeyeon!” I heard Sunny. I turned to find my roommates leaving the other dorm now and coming to meet me at the elevator. “You are absolutely brilliant,” Sunny beamed, “but you’re kind of stupid, Taeyeon.” I blinked. “Did you really think we wouldn’t help you move them?” She asked, pinching my ear. “Aish!” I winced. “Yeah, seriously.” Sooyoung smirked. “It’s not your place-“ I started. “Eeeesh, shut up!” Sunny said, “We’re helping, deal with it.” “Alright, alright.” I muttered. My butt vibrated and I pulled out my cell phone as we got into the elevator. One message from Tiffany. “Tae~ Can I stay with you tonight after I finish packing? ~Fany” My eyes lit up.
“You don’t have to ask.” I typed back quickly. Jessica and Sooyoung started giggling behind me in unison.
.. courage and cowardice ..
“Ugh.” My hand shot out to slam the alarm clock before I opened my eyes. I rolled onto my side to see the time, 6:00am. Too early. I rubbed my face as I yawned and rolled onto my back again. I felt my elbow being pulled into something warm and looking over, I remembered why I wanted to be awake so early. My Fany was still very much asleep and clutching to my arm. Her mouth was parted slightly, lolling open and moving with every slow breath she took. She looked so peaceful and beautiful that it took my breath away and I could my face soften as if I were looking at a pile of kittens. I lay there racking my brain and wondering why on earth I haven’t made time to watch Tiffany sleep before. This hadn’t really been my intention, though. By setting the alarm I just tried to buy us a few hours before the
moving day. I thought the alarm would wake her up too, but seeing her like this I didn’t really want to wake her up anymore. How anyone could be so beautiful without being awake to know it blew my mind. Tiffany is on another level. Nobody even comes close. I delicately push aside a small lock of her hair that was hanging, suspended across her face, and secure it behind her ear. I pressed my lips to her smooth forehead and froze when I felt her stir. She rolled onto her back and rubbed her nose without opening her eyes. Her arms landed in a heap above her head and she arched her back, lifting it completely off the bed for a moment to stretch. A dissatisfied noise escaped her and then she was still again. My smile could part the oceans. I would only be so lucky to be able to witness this fascinating display on a daily basis. I let my eyes adoringly roam down her body only to find that she’d kicked her covers off. I immediately moved to pull them back up but my hand hovered over her stomach. Her shirt was partially lifted and one of her hip bones was jutting out gloriously from underneath her pajama pants. All of the air left my lungs slowly and I found myself openly assessing my girlfriend’s flawless body that she unknowingly put on display for me. I made sure she was still quite asleep before I let my index finger touch her. I ran it along the defined line that went from her hip bones up to her abdomen and watched her face, making sure it wouldn’t wake her. I traced her waist line up to her ribs and back down again, feeling her stomach rise against my fingertips with every breath. Tiffany’s sex appeal, I
thought, lay in these unrelenting curves; something I knew I lacked. I wanted to experience her body in ways I’ve never experienced before. I wanted to know what her stomach felt like against my lips… my tongue… But looking at Tiffany like this also made me feel slightly insecure. I knew she could have anyone she wanted… She never told me how or why she happened to fall in love with me. I turned my attention back to her peaceful face and wished so fervently that I could see what she was dreaming of. I stared at her longingly until I heard the alarm clock come back to life loudly beside me. I saw her eyes roll open lazily and look at me. I frowned and hit the alarm, making sure to completely disable it, rather than hit the snooze again. She smiled softly, raising a hand to wave at me as she inhaled deeply and stretched some more. “Were you watching me sleep?” She asked, just above a husky whisper. I nodded. She got up onto her elbows to lean over me and check the time. “I thought we weren’t starting ‘til eight.” She whimpered and collapsed onto my shoulder. I grinned up at the ceiling and let a hand fall into her hair. “We aren’t.” “Oh…” She said, nuzzling her face into my neck. She slid her hand across my stomach, under my shirt, and it came to rest just below my breast. Her lips found my neck and I let my eyes close.
A large part of me liked Tiffany’s idea of killing two hours, and I did nothing to stop her, letting her hand explore more of my body and feeling her lips and teeth massage my neck and collar bone, but ultimately my curiosity got the better of me. “Fany-ah, what were you dreaming about?” I whispered. “Mm?” She murmured, the vibrations from her lips sent a chill down my body. “Y-Your dream, do you remember it?” “…No Tae, I don’t. Why? Was I talking?” She asked. “No. I was just curious. Say, can I ask you something?” My eyes came open. “Anything.” she said. I stuck my tongue out of the corner of my mouth in thought. Nope. There’s no easy way to ask this. “Have you ever… had feelings for any of the other girls?” She groaned. “Are you kidding me? Are you still on about that dream?” I grinned guiltily, “It’s just a question.” She used her free hand to push herself up and look into my eyes.
“The answer is no. It always will be. I’m not into Yuri.” I bit my lip and smiled up at the ceiling, I couldn’t help finding her serious expression amusing. She pushed my face to look at her. “I’m serious!” She said, getting louder. “Shh…” I tried to calm her down. “Are you into Jessi?” She asked. Her eyebrows hovered high on her head dangerously. “Of course not.” I laughed. She sighed and cuddled against me again, saying in a small voice. “I only love you, Tae.” I rolled onto my side to stare into her eyes thoughtfully. “Why?” I asked She looked taken aback by my question. “What..?” “Why do you love me?” I asked, keeping my eyes warm. She stared at me for a while, speechless, before letting her eyes go unfocused. I watched her thinking, and I realize how impressed I am with how she looks without makeup. Tiffany was always such a natural beauty,
even when we were younger. “I don’t have an answer.” She said finally. “Oh?” I asked, smiling at the anticlimactic answer. “There’s not just one answer, I’d have to write a book.” She nodded. “Well,” I glanced over my shoulder, “I’ve got an hour and a half to kill…” She sighed and looked into nothing again. I waited patiently and let my hand roam across her stomach again, feeling empowered after earlier. “Well, it started ages ago, didn’t it?” She muttered. “I was the new girl that couldn’t speak well. I didn’t have friends or family… or anything. I was lonely.” I hung, on her every word, remembering that insecure girl she was describing. Tiffany arrived in Korea as damaged goods. For the most part when we started training together she kept to herself which may or may not have been her own choice. It was hard to have a conversation with her with her knowing so few words. That, and all of her time was usually immersed in school work or learning Korean. “And I ended up being your roommate.” She said. I smiled a little. “It still felt like I lived alone though.” “I didn’t want to be a burden to you.” She said. “I felt like they gave me a roommate just so that it would have to be their job to teach me.”
“I didn’t see it that way.” I said. “I know.” She said, “You were you different. You were the first person to really talk to me, to really try and be my friend.” I smiled again. “And when I finally started learning enough to talk more, we became really close, didn’t we?” I nodded. “You always seemed to know when to come in and see me, when I needed someone the most.” She said. I could hear you cry. I was transfixed on her, not sure I wanted to tell her that. Tiffany’s face broke into a gigantic smile before I could decide. “And you were so talented. I was so jealous of your voice. Little tiny Kim Taeyeon with the chubby cheeks that could belt it out louder than anyone there.” “Yah! Chubby cheeks!?” I said indignantly, slightly sarcastic. Yes, I knew I had them. She reached up and pinched one of my cheeks. “Still got a little bit there.” I smirked. "You had to know your voice was incredible, too."
“I thought it was okay," She said, "But you... You were so confident. When we would be practicing our singing, you’d be working on your introduction.” She started laughing. I shook my head. “I’m Kim Taeyeon and I’m going to take over the world!” She rolled onto her back to laugh harder. “Wow, I think we’re off topic.” I said, poking her in the stomach. “Sorry.” She said, chuckling. Her eyes lost focus again. “Do you remember our first Christmas?” Yes. It was very hard for you. It was the first Christmas without her mother. I spent the entire day with her instead of going home to my own family. I nodded. “You got me that-“ “Pink bunny.” I finished, smiling. She beamed. “I felt so horrible because I couldn’t afford to get you anything. You took me
to the mall, gave me some money and told me to go get you something.” Anything to make you feel better. “Remember? I got those cheap little-“ “Friendship necklaces.” I said, the corner of my mouth rising. “You remember everything.” She said, looking overjoyed. “I was there, I should.” I said, grinning. She paused for a moment. .. “Tae, do you remember when I got my first boyfriend?” My smile disappeared. Her eyebrows rose. “I’ve never seen you so mad before…” She said without waiting for me to answer. I remember. “’He’s such a loser, what are you thinking? You can do way better. He’s dated almost every girl here already…’” She quoted me. It’s true.
“He never debuted; I think he got kicked out for smoking.” I said. Tiffany laughed. "You were so mean to him." "I didn't like him very much, no." I said honestly. “When I told you I kissed him you didn’t talk to me for a week.” She said. That part I didn’t remember until she told me. I froze in place. There was an awkward silence and the mood dampened slightly. “When I finally had enough I had to go into your room and get in bed with you, and even that didn’t work. I wrapped my arms around you and threatened to never let go until you talked to me again.” She said softly. I grimaced. I was horrible to her throughout that ordeal. I must have forced this out of my memory a long time ago. Thinking about it now made me want to cry for being so mean to her. “..But when I started crying you held me.” She said. I shouldn’t have made you cry in the first place. What made me act that way? Seeing her with that boy made me feel so uneasy. He wasn’t really that bad of a guy, but when I found out he was dating Tiffany I instantly hated him. When she told me she kissed him, it felt as though she’d just walked up and slapped me. The thought of her kissing that jerk still made my skin crawl... Because of him, I didn’t get to see her as often… When they broke up I felt so relieved…
You were jealous… “Tae?” She asked. “Yeah?” I said. “Do you remember? That was the first night we slept together.” She said. I nodded. We moved into the same room after that. “I think that’s the night I really started thinking of you as more than a friend...” She said softly. That was at least five years ago. To keep a secret that long would be unbearable. I gazed at her, almost disbelieving. In truth though, I might have felt the same way. I just suppressed it. There was no doubt in my mind that what I felt for that boy back then was jealousy. I feel the same way these days when some random male idol approaches her for an extended period of time. She took my face in her hands and squeezed my cheeks. “I watched you grow into a swan before my very eyes.” “I love you … so much.” I said lightly. She leaned in and kissed me sweetly and it felt like it have even more meaning than before, now that I heard her reasoning behind it. It was electric...
She broke the kiss and smacked my butt, making me jump. “And I love you. Let’s get this over with.” She got out of bed. I looked over my shoulder, “We’ve still got twenty minutes.” “Well…” Tiffany said, “We could either mess around now, or get all that stuff lugged up here and have more time to mess around later.” “Mess around?” I asked, my eyes wide. She laughed. “I’ll leave that definition up to you.” My feet were on the ground before she even finished her sentence. ------------------------------------------------------------------I felt absolutely disgusting; every inch of my exposed skin was covered with a thin glaze of sweat. I must have been up and down these stairs over a hundred times today, but finally this was the last box straight from Yuri’s room. Jessica’s little sister, Krystal, who came over to help us move, was walking ahead of me carrying a very tall assortment of different sized boxes. I wasn’t surprised in the least when I noticed that Yuri, out of all of us, has the most stuff. “Where do you want this, Unnie?” Krystal asked Jessica. “This side of the room.” She pointed. I set my box down beside Krystal’s load and doubled over, breathing deeply.
“That’s... that’s it.” I sighed. Jessica came and clapped me on the back. “Mission: success!” She held a fist in the air and walked me out into the kitchen where everyone else was. My Fany had a tall glass of ice water waiting for me when I got there. I sat beside her and drank half of it in one gulp. It finally sounded like it was supposed to in the dorm again. Nine girls talking at the same time whether the person they’re talking to is listening to them or not. It felt like home again. My phone lit up on the counter in front Tiffany and she picked it up handing it to me. Amidst all the others talking, nobody else seemed to notice. I read the message: “Tomorrow, 9:15am, SM Headquarters, you have a meeting with the President. ~Thomas” I glanced up at Tiffany who read it over my shoulder. She wasn’t breathing. I read the message again, in shock, and stood, taking Tiffany’s hand, leading her to our room. “Oh my god.” She said. “W-What’s going to happen?” I didn’t know what to say. Was tomorrow really going to be my last day with SM entertainment? It was a definite possibility.
Sunny knocked on the door frame. “Chicken’s her- what’s wrong?” Her tone immediately changed when she saw my face. I might have found that comical if things weren’t so serious right now… and if I didn’t already know Sunny. She looked between me and Tiffany, and I handed her my cell phone, lifelessly. She read it a few times before handing it back. “I guess that means Thomas knows what we did, huh?” She asked. “Wow, the President...” She wasn’t really helping. I already knew how bad this was. “If you leave I’m coming with you.” Tiffany vowed. Sunny dove onto her stomach on my bed and pulled out her cell phone. “Stay for the Sones.” I said sadly to Tiffany. “It’s about them anyways. That’s why we do all this right? That’s what I’m most sad about…” She shook her head. “I’ll be traveling all the time; we’ll never get to see each other.” I hadn’t thought about that… but I could never ask her to quit for me. “SNSD would fall apart if they lost both of us.” I said, frowning. Tiffany looked like she was going to cry. “Ahjussi!!” Sunny yelled with so much aegyo I almost fell over. Her cell phone was at her ear.
Ahjussi? Surely… she didn’t just call… “What do you mean you know why I’m calling?” She rolled onto her stomach and looked up at me, winking. I fell to my knees at her ankles. Sunny. Lee Soon Kyu. Niece of Lee Soo Man, President of SM entertainment. I can’t even wrap my head around this. We all know who she is but it’s not something we talk about regularly. She doesn’t mention him often. “Taeyeon?” She asked, sounding truly clueless. “Uncle, I’m just calling because I was wondering about Christmas arrangements.” She said. I looked at her strangely. “Your house? Okay. Yeah, that’s strange I didn’t get the notice. But what’s this about Taeyeon, Uncle?” “Have I noticed anything strange with her? Stranger than normal?” Sunny laughed naturally. “Taeyeon and Tiffany?” She gasped. “Wow, really?! Well if they are then they kept it a really good secret from us.” Tiffany and I gaped at one another. “No, we didn’t know.” She said, getting to her feet. “But why would it be a problem? They’re a fan favorite.”
“Yeah, they’re the most popular pairing; the fans have put them together since the very beginning. You’ve heard of Taeny right?” Sunny went to my closet and took out one of my jackets, pointing first at it then herself. I nodded. “Uncle, are you free? Let’s get dinner, I’ll tell you all about it.” She put my jacket on and walked out my door. Tiffany and I both followed her silently to the front door, everyone else got quiet when they saw Sunny on the phone. “You have a meeting with her?” She asked. “Surely, you weren’t going to give her trouble for this, right?” She asked, opening the front door. “The fans love them.” She turned around to smile at me, “And obviously if they kept it a secret from us who live with them, if it’s real it won’t go public.” … “Okay, I’ll meet you there in 15 minutes.” She said, leaving and pulling the front door closed with her. “Who was that?” Jessica asked. I just continued staring at the door. She waved a hand in front of my face. No response.
“Sunny’s… going to dinner with her uncle.” Tiffany said blankly. Impossible. After everything we’ve gone through could it really be this easy?
.. 2555 days ..
9:10am. I wondered idly if my stomach might digest itself before I’d have to go in there. It might prove to be less painful. I glanced up at the receptionist and caught her looking at me. She looked away quickly. I sighed softly and looked down at my feet. Even the heels I wore didn’t hide the fact that I couldn’t reach the ground. Maybe… maybe you were wrong. Much like everything else in my life, I suddenly felt like I was so much smaller than everything around me… like I took on a giant… Something so much larger than me... I shook the thought from my head. It’s not over yet.
I let my eyes wander around the waiting room and saw many portraits of past artists. Some faces I recognized and some I’d never seen before in my life. Our portrait was the last picture leading up the hall to the President's door. I remembered taking it; we all looked so young and even there in that picture from years ago Tiffany and I were right next to one another. I wondered if I’d become another nameless face to hang in these halls forever? “Ms. Kim-“The receptionist said, “The President will see you now.” Walking down that hall was the first time I ever had an out of body experience. Everything was moving in slow motion and it felt like the longer I walked, the longer the hall was growing. I finally reached the door and stopped to look at our picture. I took in each of their faces, lingering on Fany’s. For them. -----------------------------------------------------------I was pretty much lost, walking from room to room without a reason. My whole goal of this morning was getting through it without puking. It didn’t help that someone was making breakfast. The thought of food was pretty disgusting right now. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of anyone being hungry during a time like this. Then again, if anyone got comfort from eating, it would definitely be Sooyoung. I retreated to Jessi and Sunny’s room to hide from the smell, though all it
did was damper it. I knew Sunny was watching me while I got into Jessi’s bed, but I didn’t want to look at either of them. Weird, how I wanted comfort without talking about it. I just wanted to be close to someone. If they brought it up I’d probably just leave. Talking about it made it more real. “You alright Fany?” Sunny asked softly. “I don’t know what to do with myself.” I said. “I told you, she’s a lot better going in there after I spoke with him.” Sunny said, “He’s definitely thought about it more rationally now and he was in a good mood last night, but I don’t know...” Sunny trailed off. I shook my head and got to my feet. I felt Jessi’s hand pat my shoulder comfortingly, it didn’t work. I didn’t want to be touched. “It shouldn’t be long now.” Sunny said as I was leaving. “They’ll be here soon.” Ugh, Thomas. I hated the thought of him being there with her too, it would only make things harder for her and if he was here if she brought bad news home… well… he’d better have a bodyguard to deal with eight enraged females... I met Hyoyeon in the hall; she stopped to shake me a little when we both tried to take the same side to pass each other.
Nope, motion sickness won’t help either. I peeked into Yuri and Yoona’s room and found them hysterically laughing about something. … Nope. Didn’t they know what was happening right now? I gritted my teeth. I looked into the next room and found Seohyun lying by herself on her bed. “Hi Unnie.” She said at the sight of me, quickly removing her headphones. “Can I come in?” I asked her. She nodded and sat up and I sat beside her on the bed. “What are you listening to?” I asked. She pulled out one of her headphones and handed it to me. Children’s music. I let my eyes close and these simple melodies washed my thoughts away. Next to me, I could feel Seohyun’s head come to rest on my shoulder. I suppose once in a lifetime, if you were extremely lucky, you could come across someone like Seohyun but that could be said about any one of our girls. What happens if we go our separate ways? It hurts to think about how empty my life would be without Seohyun.
Without any of them… Without… her… I was surprised when I felt warm wetness flow out of my eyes and down my face. Before I could lift my arm, Seohyun’s hand was wiping my face clean. I turned to look at her and saw her eyes were also wet. She understood the consequences that could come from today’s meeting, as I did. “We’re terrible, aren’t we?” She gave a small smile. “We should stay positive.” I nodded and she took my hand. At the same time the intercom came to life throughout the house. It was a man’s voice, it made me recoil. “It’s me. I’m coming up.” “Unnie… Unnie come on.” Seohyun was trying to pull me with her. I wasn’t ready to find out what happened yet. I didn’t know if I could handle it. “Unnie...” I let her push me into the hall to join the others. Everyone sort of gathered around the door and waited. I could see several of them holding hands. Sunny stood beside me and took mine. I felt Yuri put an arm around me. When he opened the door, he closed it too quickly. I looked in disbelief; was she not with him? Was she not even allowed to come back? I was so angry; I wanted to start cursing at him. He looked at the girls individually, ensuring to avoid my gaze. “Well, this is the warmest welcome I’ve ever received.” He said, smiling.
I don’t really remember what happened next; all I knew was Sunny was pulling me back. I ended up getting pushed into an armchair nearby. I don’t remember ever being this mad before in my life. “What?” He asked, looking around. Nobody answered him. The entire room was speechless. I pulled out my phone and tried to call her, but it went directly to her voicemail. Her phone was turned off. Why? She had nowhere else to go around here… “Where is she?” Jessica demanded. “Eh?” he said, looking around once more. He seemed to do a headcount and then realization came to his face. “Oh… She’s not here? I’m surprised, she left before I did.” He said. I looked up at him uncertainly. She was supposed to come back but didn’t and now I can’t contact her? Is she wandering around in pain somewhere? My heart ached. “Concert practice tonight.” He said abruptly, “At the arena, it won’t be the exact stage you’ll be on in Singapore but we need to run through it a few times at least as a refresher. We’ll be here to pick you up at 5pm. It’d be good if you got packed tonight as well.” “You.” Jessica said, shaking her head in disbelief, “Aren’t you going tell us what happened?”
“Ah.” He said, stepping back from her. “It’s not my place. If she wants to tell you it’s her business.” Jessica was backing him into the door. “Are you kidding me?” Sunny said. “Come on!” “No, no. You were all so quick to claim ignorance of the whole situation to make me look bad. You can wait a little longer.” He said as he pulled the door shut. He managed to get away before Jessica got a handful of his collar. “5pm!” He shouted through the door. “Be ready!” Well, that was pointless. I got absolutely nothing out of Thomas about anything apart from my Tae being on the run somewhere all alone, not wanting to come home. If anything, it made things worse. I walked to the door and started stepping into my shoes. “Where are you going?” Sunny asked. “I’m going to look for her.” I said. “That’s not gonna help anything if you both get lost.” Jessica said in English. “Well, what am I supposed to do!?” I rounded on her. “Oh my god, just calm down, Tiffany. She’ll come back when she’s ready.”
She said, pulling me back by my elbow. I thought about fighting back but she did have a point; where would I look? Where would I even begin? “Well, he did say we’d just be running through the concert like it was routine. If we lost a member I think we’d have to learn new choreography again, wouldn’t we?” Sooyoung said asked. That did make sense. But If Taeyeon had only received good news from the President; wouldn’t she have rushed home to tell me or at least called? There had to be a reason she didn’t want to see us yet. Jessi gave me one more pat on the back and I walked down the hallway to my room gloomily with the one shoe I managed to get on. I tried to call her again. Voicemail. “Taeyeon… It’s me... I don’t know where you are but please, when you get this, call me.” I stared down at a picture of her and I we had on the desk. “Just, come home okay? If we have to make arrangements we will. I love you.” I cranked up the volume on my phone and set it on the desk, pulling my hair out of its bun before I climbed back into bed. I pulled the covers up to my neck… and I could smell her again. I felt stupid for not coming here in the first place. I closed my eyes.
Our bed. Duh, of course this would be my best source of comfort. Maybe I could look at this in a positive way. It could be the first day of the rest of our lives together. I could go back to school… And together… we could learn what it means to live a normal life. I wonder if she’d want to move to the States with me. We could get a nice place in California where no one would ever bug us. Somewhere we wouldn’t be seen as abnormal and we could hold hands in public; go unnoticed. Or I’d stay in Korea for her, too. It didn’t matter to me where in the world we were, just as long as she was there. Lying in our bed set me at ease; I was able to sleep for a while. I awoke when I heard commotion outside my door. I stood half asleep at the end of the hall. It almost didn’t seem real. She was surrounded by them holding a video camera and talking animatedly. There was a pink beanie on her head with kitty ears on it. At her feet were several bags. I rubbed my eyes and stood alone at the end of the hall watching her. Taking in her face, realizing once again how ridiculously beautiful she was. She looked so relaxed and happy, though the happy part didn’t quite click in my brain yet. Yuri noticed me first; pulling Taeyeon away from Sunny’s attention and
shoving her a little down the hall. Her face lit up so brightly when she saw me, I forgot instantly about all the stress I had today. She pointed the camera at me as she walked closer. “Where have you been?” I asked. “I went shopping.” She grinned. It was like coming out of a dream. I blinked at her a few times and felt my expression fall. I knew she could see it too; she actually took a few steps back from me. “Kim Taeyeon… I’ve been sitting here worried about you all day… and you were out shopping?!” Surely, crows off in distant trees were evacuating their homes. Her eyes were huge. She bit down hard on her lip as she thought better of filming me right now, she closed her camcorder. Yoona was laughing behind her. “I told you…” I heard Jessi whisper. “Ah... Fany-ah, I would have called but… my… look...” She pulled out her cell phone. “It died.” “You went out shopping by yourself?” I was walking to her, and she was backing away, clearly intimidated. “Well, not exactly. I had a bodyguard” She said, tripping on her own feet. “I
didn’t mean to stay out that long, I got carried away. F-Fany-ah, don’t be angry…” “All this, and now they have their first real love fight.” Yoona whispered, grinning back at Sooyoung. I sighed heavily and frowned at her. “I was so worried. I thought you were thrown out.” I said in a small voice. “That’s that jerk Thomas’s fault. “ She said, putting her hands up. “I thought he would have told you all.” She looked around for anyone to save her. It looked like nobody wanted to get involved, yet they were all fine standing there watching. I narrowed my eyes at them. “What happened?” I asked. She walked back to her bags and brought me back a packet of paperwork. I looked through the first few pages and looked at her. “What is this?” She bit her lip and opened up her camera again. “It’s my new contract.” She said, watching my face. “New…?” I asked.
“New contract.” Her smile was huge. “What’s new about it?” I asked. “Well, It just says in there that if my relationship with you ever comes out that I must claim that SM knew nothing about it before hand and they have the right to terminate me on the spot. I’ll owe expenses for any upcoming promotional deals or concerts that are planned at that time if the rest of SNSD can’t meet them.” She said, looking at me threw the viewfinder. “They’re not throwing you out?” I gaped. “They’re not separating us?” “No.” She smiled up at me. “You’re stuck with me.” I looked around at the others hardly daring to believe it. I felt her hand touch my cheek and I looked back down at her. Her eyes were soft. “Do you forgive me?” She asked. How could I not? “This... this is so awesome!” I said, holding up the paperwork and looking at the others. “You’ll have your own to sign as well.” She said, smiling. “We can be together, that’s why I went shopping but as you can see I got carried away. Oh!” She grabbed the beanie off her head. “I got you this, too” She reached up and put it on me.
“Tae…” I grinned. Total dork. “What is all this?” I asked as I helped her carry her bags into our room. “Well, I went out for something but I ended up buying a lot more.” She laughed. “I got some Christmas shopping done. “I have to do that, too.” I murmured, peeking into one of her bags. “Out.” She said, pulling the bag away from me. “Did you get my Christmas present?” I grinned. “No. You’re impossible to shop for.” “Why can’t I see then?” I asked. “Because I did get you something.” She said, looking for the right bag, pulling something out and holding it behind her back. I looked at her eagerly. “Close your eyes.” She said. “No peeking.” I closed my eyes and stuck my tongue out when I thought it was taking too long. I heard a small metal on metal sound that confused me. “Ohhhhkay.” She said elaborately in English. “Open.”
She was just standing here, her eyes were wide with expectation and a wide small stretched across her face. I didn’t get it. “…What?” She posed spectacularly then, giving me a peace sign and on either of her fingers was matching rings. Couples rings. My jaw hit the floor. “Are..? ...Tae…” I sputtered stupidly. “Would you wear this?” She asked nervously, “I mean we obviously can’t wear it out, but around the house…” She pulled one off and held it out so I could see it closer. It looked like white gold, emblazoned with diamonds. A single pink gem was mounted in the center in between them. On her ring, I could see the gem in the middle was purple. I could have passed out. “Of course I will.” I breathed, holding my hand out. “Hope it fits.” She chuckled, sliding it onto my ring finger. It fit snugly. She looked so pleased with herself at the sight of me wearing her ring. I could see this was a really important moment to her. Her wide eyes were so prideful. “I love it.” I laughed softly, “But… we haven’t been together for one hundred days yet, Tae.” She stopped smiling and looked at me seriously. I was taught the Korean
tradition for couple’s rings was they were to be given a hundred days into the relationship. “Fany-ah, how many days is seven years?” She asked softly, cocking her head to the side. I didn’t know what to say. We had a stare down, which she always seems to win. This was her way of saying she was right there with me from the beginning. “A lot of days.” I said finally, pulling her close to me by the belt loops of her pants. “Today doesn’t count though, does it? I barely got to see you…” “Well, if we make the best of the rest of it, it should.” She said, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning up to me, kissing me. If only we could. “We’ve got practice.” I pouted after pulling myself away. She sighed, “We’ve always got practice.” She started hiding her bags in the closet. “So what’s this for?” I asked, holding up the camera. “Ah, I thought it’d be fun. I never had one before. We can keep our memories on this. It came with a tripod too.” “Cool.” I grinned, pulling my shirt over my head to change into practice
clothes. I put on some sweats and turned around. She was gone but I saw the tripod was set up, the camera on top of it, pointing directly at our bed. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. She couldn’t have done that intentionally; she wouldn’t have. I decide to leave it there to see if anyone says anything about it, thinking it would be a pretty funny joke; an ironic one at least. She came back in with her last bag and diverted her eyes from me when she saw I was still topless. I pouted a little and put my top on. Taeyeon is the definition of adorable… traditional, but adorable. I wouldn’t change a single thing about her… “So… Why didn’t he fire you?” I asked. “He had a lot of reasons.” She said, leaning against the wall beside me while I fit the dorky beanie back on my head. “He said letting me go would probably end SNSD, because groups usually fall apart after members leave, much less leaders.” She said thoughtfully. “He said I’ve done a lot for the company and I’ve always been a model employee, a hard worker, and since I’ve kept it a secret until now, he didn’t see the reason to make a rash move when nothing’s gone public yet.” I couldn’t believe our luck. Then again, if they had fired her they would have had angry fans at their office with pitchforks. “Said SNSD went above and beyond his expectations. I don’t think he’s ready to let go of us just yet.” Taeyeon smiled. I stepped in front of her and put my hands on her waist, clearly taking
advantage of this wall position. I leaned her against it and put my forehead against hers, causing her to smile. “I really missed you today.” I hummed gently, nuzzling my nose into hers. She put her palms flat against my stomach and looked up into me. The sun that was shining through the window beside us illuminated her wide eyes, making them a melted chocolate with little flecks of golden highlights that I knew only showed up in certain lighting. When she stared at me like this, my thought process would become mush. That gaze. Her eyes continued to drill into me; her lips were a straight line except just the very corners of her mouth were slightly curled. I let my eyes wander south to her tone body, her flat stomach sticking out just a bit from under her shirt, and our now conjoined hips. Taeyeon brought the whole idea of ‘physical attraction’ to another level. She looked so good, it hurt. ”Fany-ah, what do you want for Christmas?” She moved her mouth to one side of her face sadly. I had to pull myself out of a daydream before answering. “I don’t know.” I frowned, thinking. “Please help.” She smirked, laughing through her nose. “Ohh... I know what I want.” I smirked.
She looked excited. “I want this.” I said, leaning in and pecking her. Her face fell a little. “And… I want this...” I moved in close to her ear and whispered deeply. I ran my hands along her shoulders. “And this…” traced them down her sides to her stomach. She went rigid. “And this.” I said laughing, massaging her hips before sliding my hands to her butt and giving it a squeeze. She was turning red before my eyes. “Annnnd.” I said, kneeling and running my hands down her thighs and back up again, “these.” She peered down at me looking intimidated and impressed at the same time. Her tongue was lodged nervously in the corner of her mouth and I just stayed on me knees in front of her, knowing exactly what I was implicating by doing so. It might be considered cruelty, but I enjoyed seeing Tae flustered. I really enjoyed that I could do it to her so easily... “Miyoung-ah…” She whined, holding her hands out for me. I registered the use of my Korean name; she only usually used it when she was serious about something. I took her hands and stood back up.
“But I want to actually get you something, too.” She said, clearing her throat. Too? “Really? So, my first request won’t be denied?” I asked hopefully. “Lately it’s just been a matter of being alone, right?” She asked, turning slightly red. “It’s not like I don’t want it, you know?” The thing that’s so cool about this is that she’s starting to get used to me. She’s still shy but I can touch her now without having her shrink away. We can talk about this sort of thing now without having her freak out and change the subject. I have a pretty straightforward personality but her level of comfort always came first to me. I knew she liked it now, and I knew she thought about me like this sometimes. I knew how to turn her on and now that she seems to be enjoying it, sometimes encouraging it, I could push her a little. I think she wants to be pushed. I hope… but I could tell I pushed enough for today. She seemed really concerned about my Christmas present. “Really, you don’t have to get me anything. This contract is the best gift I could have gotten.” I said honestly. It was her fault that we were all getting a sweeter deal. You can’t put a price on freedom, but she didn’t seem satisfied with my response. ----------------------------------------------------------------
Practice that night was epic. I think we were all excited to get back on stage again for two more shows back to back in Singapore. I thought we looked better than ever and Taeyeon was at the helm leading the way. Her energy was contagious and overflowing. Singapore was going to get two of the best shows we’ve ever performed together. I kinda wish I could sit in the audience instead and watch her. Her voice filled the empty arena and ricocheted, louder than ever. It was a call of victory; a declaration of love and growth. It sounded so impressive. I don’t remember her singing with this much passion since we first started. I followed her around for most of the practice, trying to keep up with her as she ran around waving at fake fans and belting her vocals. It was different working with her now under a revised contract. She never hesitated to hold my hand or sing directly at me anymore. I felt invincible near her… Nobody could touch us. Singapore won't even know what hit 'em...
.. remember my name ..
Have you ever lost yourself in a moment?
For me, that moment is every single time we’re just about to go on stage. When we join hands in a small circle and try to get a prayer out. I just couldn’t concentrate tonight, though. Just ten feet above our heads was a packed arena listening to our blaring introduction music. I could hear the pandemonium they’re causing just from our faces flashing on the screen. I looked at the others and saw a few like Sooyoung and Seohyun who managed to have their eyes closed. Most looked anxious like me. Jessica’s stare was deadpan, straight ahead; stone cold without a single flicker of emotion. I felt my hand get squeezed and I looked to see Taeyeon’s face flare with a frenzied excitement. She stuck her tongue out at me as a stagehand adjusted her mic. “Déjà vu.” I grinned. “I wish we could do this every night.” She said, seeming absolutely content. She looked up to the stage as she led me up the stairs on the elevator. In mere moments, we’d be elevated into a hollow box in the middle of the stage. The music was reaching its climax and I could feel Taeyeon rubbing my back as the others settled into their places. I was so happy I was positioned near her. “You’re going to do great, you always do.” She whispered into my ear. It may be strange that after four years I still get nervous before a concert but it doesn’t surprise me that Tae was the one to notice it.
It works the same way every time. As we rose into the box and the lights were spurred on by the thrashing drums, the box began to open. Game faces. Perfect posture. “…I love you.” She whispered. I felt every tense muscle in my body relax. A calm came over me instantly. I’ll never be able to put into words what she does to me… I knew I’d be okay because she was there. And then I could see it. Every time I see that never ending pink ocean waving at me, it stuns me. It reminds me how far we’ve come and I’m so glad that that I don’t have to sing right away because I know I have to work hard to get oxygen flowing back into my lungs. Inside my ear, I heard a mechanical click letting me know my microphone is now live. Then I could hear her voice… --------------------------------------------------------------“That wasn’t too much, was it?” Tae asked as she was hanging up some clothes in her closet.
I raised my eyebrow and turned the laptop around so she could see the picture that was making its way around the internet. She was on her knees in front of me, holding a mic up to my mouth, except someone photoshopped the microphone to be a ring box. She laughed. “That’s well done, that is.” She pointed. “And completely harmless.” I scrolled down through more fan photos. She always seemed close to me or looking at me. The whole show had a different feel to it this time. Instead of just doing a show, it actually felt like I was doing a show with my girlfriend, who could actually acknowledge me and hold my hand for no good reason. We were attached at the hip in Singapore and Thomas didn’t say a single thing to us about it. He couldn’t. Satisfied, I closed the laptop and set it aside, eyeing her back as she did her thing. I knew I should be studying, but after the flight and the concerts I found myself pretty exhausted. I yawned openly, tilting my head back when I felt her land on top of me. I looked down to see her fitting her ring back on and I grabbed my own off the night stand. “Help me study.” I whimpered. “Fame?” She asked, pushing herself up on my elbows. “I’m really nervous.” I said, grabbing the script. “Carmen, Carmen…” She said dramatically, holding up a hand in the air, “Honey, you will do fantastic.”
I had to smile at her English. She seemed to be trying extra hard to learn it, lately. “I’m serious.” I lamented, “It’s only a few days away.” I thumbed through the script gently before she grabbed it away. “You already know most of this though, don’t you?” “I know it all.” I frowned. “I just need a refresher.” She nodded, landing on a page and pointed a line out to me. I smirked. “You know what the problem with this school is, it’s too damn confining… like a prison...” I said, getting to my feet and folding my arms. She stood, too. “So, I guess that means somebody had another run-in with Myers.” She said, folding the script over so she could hold it easier. “First I’m not being honest, and now I’m indicating. Now he’s got me stuck doing sense memory. When do I get to do some real acting?” I said. “Maybe you have to learn to be real before you can learn to act.” Tae said, her eyes widening. I reacted appropriately, looking angry. “You know, Schlomo, sometimes you sound like one of them.” I glared at her. She looked like she was trying not to laugh.
“Wait, this person’s named ‘Schlomo’?” She covered her face. “… Do you even know anything about Fame?” I asked incredulously. She shook her head. “Alright, sorry. Ehhh. Okay… One of them? Carmen, teachers aren’t some sort of alien race. Maybe Myers could help you.” She regained her composure. “Help me with what? You think I got some kinda problem?” I said threateningly. “No… I mean, yeah. I mean… well, maybe you do. It’s like all this stuff about being famous all the time. Maybe you should take a break from that?” She bit her lip. “Look, Mr. Metzenbaum, Mr. Son of the Famous Violin Virtuoso, some people get handed life on a silver tray. The rest of us have to reach out and grab it.” I turned to leave. “Carmen, wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry, I just wish… I wish you didn’t feel like you have to fight all the time.” Tae said, over dramatically. I rolled my eyes. “I’m a survivor. That’s who I am. Take it or leave it.” I looked down. “Okay. Alright. I’ll take it, I’ll take it. Eesh.” She said. “Wait a minute. What did you say?” I turned.
“I said I’d take it. Carmen, don’t you know-“ Taeyeon froze, her face falling slightly. She seemed to be reading the script more intently. “Don’t you know I’m…. crazy about you? Good times or bad we are a team.” She finished slowly and far less enthusiastically. I waited for my cue. Unsurely, she stepped forward and took my hand, swallowing hard. “Hey, I finished that new song we were working on. It turned out pretty good.” “Of course it did.” I said, touching Tae’s face and looking into her eyes. She looked like she was watching a horror movie. It brought me up short. “W-With my words and your music, how could we lose?” I moved in slowly to kiss her. I heard the script hit the floor and she just barely kissed me back. I pulled my head back to find her eyes were still wide open. She wasn’t breathing. “Are you alright?” I asked. She nodded awkwardly and sat on the end of the bed. I stared at her. “I don’t think you need practice.” She said. Looking like she decided something, her face came back to life. She half smiled up at me. “You did great.” I sat beside her slowly and put my hand on top of hers. “Tae-“
“It’s just acting!” She said quickly, nodding. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or herself. She looked at me as if she just noticed I was there. “You did really well!” I understood, then, what was bothering her. “Tae… It doesn’t mean anything. It’s in the script. It’s like... nothing. Just… I would never kiss anyone like I kiss you, ever…” I frowned. “I know.” She smiled, having completely regained her expression. “It’s fine.” I could tell it wasn’t. “We should sleep.” She said without looking at me. I looked at her completely dumbfounded, somehow in the last minute things had gone from being awesome to being awkward… I tried to catch her eye but she wouldn’t look at me. She looked troubled and changed hastily before crawling into bed. After she stopped moving, I turned off the light and got into bed beside her. She wasn’t facing me. “Taeyeon-ah.” I whispered sadly, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her closer. She didn’t answer but she didn’t pull away either. “I love you so much.” I whispered.
“I love you, too.” She said, evenly. … “Look at me.” I pleaded. She turned slowly until I could just barely see her expressionless face in the dark. I pulled her closer and began kissing her softly. Pecking her repeatedly; soft sweet exchanges that weren’t returned at first, and then I felt her hands grip my T-shirt tightly. She pulled me closer, into one long passionate kiss. Her teeth bit down on my lower lip hard as she rolled on top of me. I opened my eyes to find her staring at me. I knew what she was doing… She wanted to give me a kiss to remember while I was on that stage with ‘Schlomo’ in a few days. I actually found her jealously endearing. If it were me watching her kiss somebody else, I knew I wouldn’t like it either. This was somewhat primal of her… like she was marking her territory. As if she was trying to leave her scent on me to scare off the next predator to come by. Up until this point, she’d never treated me so roughly; with so much passion and aggressiveness. ... I liked it. I let my eyes roll shut to give her the satisfaction she was looking for. She tangled her hands in my hair and kissed me deeper. I could feel myself
melting against the bed as I let her direct every act of her wordless monologue. She had me on fire, I was gasping loudly whenever I felt her body grind against mine and getting a slight voyeuristic thrill whenever I heard the bed creak loudly in the silent dorm, knowing that somebody probably heard it. She was relentless but if this was what she was feeling I had to let her express it, not that I could have stopped her even if I wanted to. All I could do was enjoy the ride… and I did. She eventually buried her face in my neck and slid off me to come to rest beside me, with her arms and legs wrapped around me. I beamed, too lazy to open my eyes while I tried catching my breath. My heart was beating frantically and I could feel her body rise and fall quickly as well. The night air coming in through our window made me notice that she had actually worked me into a sweat. I felt the air cool me… .. “...Will you still come to my opening night?” I whispered, rubbing her back. “I will never break a promise to you.” She said. -------------------------------------------------------------“Do I have to?” I muttered miserably. I already knew I did.
Sunny was pulling me along down the stairs towards our seats. “You promised her.” She said simply. “So, yes, you have to…” She pulled me in front of her and started pushing me down the aisle. “Here, these two.” She sat down. I looked up at the stage warily before sitting next to her. I sighed and sunk into the chair. I glanced to an older man beside me who looked absolutely shocked when he saw who I was. I nodded politely but tried to scoot a little closer to Sunny. “She’ll be happy to see you here.” Sunny said, patting my arm. I pouted when the lights started to dim. The crowd cheered in anticipation. “Do you know what happens in this play?” I whispered. Sunny looked at me sympathetically. “It’s just acting.” She breathed. “I know… I just didn’t know... I just needed time to prepare.” “Shhh.. This is really good for Tiffany.” She whispered. “I know, and I’m so proud of her… but…” The music started. Sunny patted my arm and I was silenced.
I watched closely how enthusiastically everyone else in the audience was reacting to the play until I saw her come on stage. Being in the audience for once instead of being up there with her was a whole new experience in itself. It showcased how much talent she really has. It was fascinating watching her perform. It made me overwhelmingly happy to see her enjoying herself so much. She was eye catching and managed to draw all the attention on herself when she was in a scene. The red and black ensemble she was wearing made her skin appear to be made out of porcelain. Sunny hit me. "She's really good at this." She whispered. I nodded, a bit transfixed watching her. I was close enough to see the whites of her eyes and whenever she had the chance to look towards the audience, she made eye contact with me directly. I always had a smile ready for her when she did this. "Uh oh." I whispered. My stomach dropped a little when I started recognizing the dialogue. I dropped my head onto Sunny’s shoulder and felt her take my hand. I cringed a little, whimpering slightly when he took Tiffany's hands. “… with my words and your music, how could we lose?” The audience reacted audibly when she kissed him, even though it was quick... I sat up straight, blinking. I actually moved to stand up, but Sunny wouldn’t
allow it. I wanted to laugh; it looked like something a couple of five year olds would do. A peck, if you will; Closed mouth. Absolutely nothing compared to what I gave her last night. In fact, it was so tame that I had to wonder if she toned it down for me. I glanced over at Sunny who seemed unimpressed, too. In fact, she seemed extremely amused by the look on my face and had to double over to keep her laugh silent. To add to the effect, I cat called loudly as she touched his chest and exited the stage. Sunny slugged my arm. It was amazing knowing I could enjoy the rest of the show and cheer for Tiffany at all the right times without having to dread something horrible I didn’t want to see. It’s exactly what I did. As they were taking their final bows, I was the loudest in the crowd, I made sure of it. That hot girl up there everyone's staring at and cheering for? Yep, she's mine. I looked around smugly to find Sunny laughing at me again. Tiffany looked relieved to see I didn’t look upset about kiss and I felt like a fool for making such a big deal out of it in the first place. Backstage was packed. In front of all those people, I couldn’t really tell her
how proud I was of her as I would have liked to. We just stared at each other and I hoped I got the message across that way, with the pride in my eyes. -------------------------------------------------------“How’d it go?” Sooyoung asked as Sunny and I entered the dorm. I just set my keys on the counter and leaned against it grinning, trying to find the right words. “Taeyeon’s in fan girl mode.” Sunny said, sampling some of what Sooyoung was cooking before going to her room. Sooyoung patted me and reached over my head to get the salt. “She was incredible.” I said. “So sweet.” Sooyoung said, turning down the heat on the burner. “Where is she?” I sat down at the table, adjusting my ring. “They had to stay and take pictures. She’ll be home soon.” Sooyoung sat beside me, watching me. She smiled gently at me when I looked up at her. “You’re not the same when she’s not here. Did you know that?” She asked.
“How so?” Her eyes sparkled. “Look at you. You don’t know what to do with yourself without her here. You haven’t even taken your purse off your arm yet. You’re just in limbo.” I glanced to my shoulder and sure enough, my purse was still hanging there. I didn’t even realize it. I laughed through my nose and took it off. “See? Look at you.” She said. “You’re missing your other half. I’m so jealous of you.” “Jealous?” “You don’t even understand.” She said, getting back up to the stove. “But you can date now, too.” I said. “You don’t get it.” She laughed. “People go their whole lives meeting new people only to get their hearts broken. To have something like you have with Fany doesn’t usually come that easily to people.” I didn’t say anything, but I agreed with her on one part. I didn’t understand. I had no past experience to compare this with. I stared at her blankly and she brandished her spatula at me. “Some people never meet the one they’re supposed to be with. Have you ever thought about what might happen if you and Tiffany broke up?”
I found that even painful to think about. Why would we ever break up? That could simply never happen. I just couldn’t imagine it. “Yah, don’t cry.” Sooyoung said, poking me with her utensil, “I might be able to date but that doesn’t mean I can just go out there and meet the perfect person that easily; that's all I'm saying.” “I’m very lucky.” I nodded, “But it hasn’t all been easy.” And it still isn't... “I know that.” Sooyoung said, placing a plate and chopsticks in front of me before going back for her own. “But you have an insane advantage over a lot of people. You two just… click.” She snapped her fingers and sat down. “Yeah…” I said, playing with the food on my plate a little. “So, are you going home for Christmas?” She asked me after swallowing. “Nope.” I said. That question in particular triggered something inside me I’d been suppressing. “Why not?” “I don’t want to leave Fany here by herself for the holidays.” “So cuuuute.” She smiled again. “Why not take her home with you?” I set my chopsticks down and stared at the table. “Taeng…?”
“Sooyoung, put yourself into my position for a second. What would your parents do if you brought home a girlfriend?” I asked. .. “Oh…” She breathed. This was my impassable path now. I could fight against SM and an unfair contract, my family was a different story entirely. Of course, I didn’t have to go barging into my house declaring my love for Tiffany all over the place. My parents love Tiffany as if she was their daughter. She even refers to them as her own parents, so hiding it in front of them would be ten times more painful than keeping it a secret from the media. It was infinitely worse because I didn’t think I could ever tell them. It was almost like watching someone go through the stages of grief. Sooyoung’s face became more pained the more she thought about it. But the truth was, I was hoping to hear an actual answer, not get sympathy. Sooyoung is usually a very good source of conversation and advice but this thought rendered her speechless. Every possible solution led her to the same horrible ending; disappointment and possibly getting disowned. “I…” She said. I heard the front door open and close and I was out of my chair. Seconds later, her arms were around me, as if she was expecting me to be standing there waiting for her. We spun on the spot with my head on her shoulder. Somehow, these were
always my favorite moments with Tiffany; when words weren't necessary. Her arms had me in a vice-like grip. Since we hadn’t had the chance to touch each other since this morning, it was like we were making up for lost time. When we made a half circle I could see Sooyoung watching us. She looked like she was still contemplating my question. “You were so great.” I said, turning my head back in towards Tiffany. “You weren’t upset?” She asked pulling away to look down at me. “Not at all. I’m so proud of you.” I looked into her face and I could see she was tired. “Let’s get some rest?” “I’m starving.” She said, wandering into the kitchen. “Here.” I took her arm and lead her to my seat. “Eat.” “Oh this looks good.” She picked up the chopsticks. “It’s very good.” Sooyoung smiled. “Taengoo made me some, too.” I looked at Sooyoung. “You rushed home to make me dinner?” Tiffany asked me, looking both overjoyed and impressed.
“I...” Sooyoung kicked my shin. “Yep.” I finished lamely, taking another chair next to Tiffany. She kissed me on the cheek sweetly as thanks, and I looked up at Sooyoung. She winked at me. “You know I could actually hear you on the stage.” Tiffany chuckled. “You specifically, I knew it was you too. You and your ahjumma scream.” I smiled. Sooyoung nodded at me before taking her plate to the sink and going to her room. “Look what I stole from the prop department.” Tiffany said, pulling a piece of mistletoe out of her picket and holding it up above us. I raised my eyebrows. “You thief.” I pointed. “That’s illegal mistletoe. I don’t know if I’m obligated to-“ She kissed me anyway. I feigned indignity and took the mistletoe. “We should find somewhere to hang this up.” “Above our bed.” She smiled, before taking another bite.
I watched her eat. .. “You know, I think a lot of the girls are going home for Christmas.” I said thoughtfully. She winked at me and stood up to clean her plate, I followed her. “Not like that…” I grinned. “Okay, well, that too, but… we should get a tree and decorate, don’t you think?” I asked. Her face went soft. “Definitely.” She said. “It’s our first Christmas…really together.” She said happily, “And I need somewhere to put the presents.” She started walking towards our room and I gaped at her. “What presents?! Fany! You need to tell me what you want!”
.. the love song writer ..
Getting out of bed that morning was especially difficult. Tiffany had almost completely invaded my side of the bed, laying across me and holding my hand. It was like escaping a maximum security prison. I daftly had to slide
out from under her. I got out of bed head first, using my hands on the ground to pull myself free ever so slowly. If there was ever a day I didn’t want Tiffany waking up before me, it was today. I left Tiffany sound asleep and headed immediately to Yuri and Yoona’s room, closing the door delicately behind me. Yuri was the only one there and she pulled me into a hug immediately. “Merry Christmas, Unnie.” She said happily. “Merry Christmas, Yuri.” I said, hugging her back. I pulled away and peered at the open suitcase on her bed. “You leave soon?” I asked. “I’m late, actually.” She laughed, zipping it up. “The cab should be here.” “Well… stay safe okay? Eat well. Have a wonderful holiday.” I knelt down and picked up a stack of wrapped boxes I hid away in the corner of Yoona’s closet under her clothes. “You too.” She smiled. I followed Yuri back out into the hall and headed for the tree, trying not to drop anything and making as little noise as possible. I passed Jessica, who was in still the kitchen, without a word and knelt beside the tree, arranging the gifts neatly on one side and plugging the lights in.
I stood up frowning at them thinking I should have done more for her. The tree looks beautiful though. I slid one of the strands of lights up to hang more evenly and assessed it. It was kind of small, but we didn’t need something big. It was just for the two of us, anyway. Tiffany said it was short and shaped perfectly. She called it a Taeyeon tree. I smiled to myself and crossed the room to the blinds, opening them up and letting the sun spill across the room to highlight the tree. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky today and the sun felt great on my skin. I felt something soft on my head before it fell to cover my eyes. I turned around to hear giggling and knew exactly whose voice that was. I lifted the hat up so I could peer at her from under it with one eye. She laughed harder. “Yah, if this is your hat then you have an enormous head.” I said seriously. “That’s not nice to say.” Jessica said, peeling a tag free and sticking it to the front of my hat. “Stand still.” She pulled out a thick black marker and began writing on it. I stared at her concentrated face as she worked, unsure what she was doing. “There.” She said, putting the pen back on the cap and walking back to the kitchen. I followed her. When she turned around she stuck a bow to my head, causing the hat to fall down around my eyes again. “You’re too cute.” She said, lifting it back up. I stared at her warily.
“So all the ingredients are right here I just took them out for you. This is all you’ll need. Here are the directions.” She put her palm flat on a piece of paper beside them. I skimmed them quickly. “This doesn’t seem very difficult.” I said. “An American breakfast is pretty simple.” She said softly, pulling a few more things out of the fridge for me. “Just make sure you don’t burn anything and you should be fine. I need to go pick up Krystal and then we’re off to Mom’s.” She said, pulling me into a hug. I hugged her back and thanked her. She kissed my cheek, adjusting my hat one more time before picking up her bags. I opened the door for her. “You girls be safe.” I said, “Merry Christmas.” She smiled. “Merry Christmas! “ I closed the door after her and touched my new hat, feeling the familiar puffy ball at the end of it. SanTaeng. Smirking, I walked from room to empty room, peering in, hardly daring to believe that everybody was really gone. When I got to Hyoyeon, Seohyun and Sooyoung’s room I entered to look into their mirror. The tag on the front of my Santa hat read, ‘To: Tiffany
Love: Taeyeon.’ Jessica went through all the details to add little hearts and adorn it with a bow, something I’m not sure I would have thought of by myself. I scowled at my inadequacies as I returned to the kitchen and started cracking eggs into a bowl. I followed Jessica’s directions very carefully, heating up the oil for the bacon and mixing the batter for pancakes. It seemed too easy until I had three burners going at the same time and the bacon oil was spitting out at me. “Aish!” I yelped, trying to reach in to turn the heat down only to get burned again. I was starting to break a sweat. The first batch of pancakes burned while I was plating the scrambled eggs so I had to mix up some more batter. I was glad Jessica brought extra base ingredients for me. The finished product didn’t look very pretty to me. The bacon in particular looked overcooked but at least the eggs were perfect. I finished heating up the syrup and carried everything together on a wooden tray. I tiptoed quietly in front of our bed to the desk and placed it there. I turned to her to see her reaching to my side of the bed empty handed. Reaching for me. I didn’t like it. I should have been there, but I didn’t want to wake her up either. Her food is going to get cold, you fool. Do you want to cook again?
Decided, I went to the window and pulled aside the curtains before crawling back into bed beside her. She immediately pulled me into her. “Fany-ah...” I whispered, touching her face and smoothing her wild hair out. “Jagiyah…” She muttered senselessly. I grinned ear to ear. “Merry Christmas, Darling.” I simpered, kissing her head and shaking her hand a little. “Merry Christmas.” She sighed, rolling over. I bet she would have slept all day if I’d have let her. Christmas… really isn’t one of Tiffany’s best holidays. She usually likes to be surrounded with people and distracted on Christmas. I know she always thinks about her mother this time of the year, so it was a big task for me to serve as a large enough distraction. “Wake up.” I said, shaking her shoulders. Murmuring unintelligibly, she sat up rubbing her eyes. I watched her closely as her eyes fell on the desk in front of us, and her breakfast sitting there. She looked over at me and covered her mouth in with her hand. I saw her eyes automatically read the tag on my head; she looked beyond words. “Hungry?” I smiled, getting up. “Tae…”
… “That smells really good…” “I really hope I didn’t screw it up.” I muttered. When I turned around the hat fell over my eyes again. I heard her laugh as I flailed my head around to free my vision. Eventually, with one eye free again, I was able to lay the tray across her lap. I felt her fix my hat. “Omo…” She breathed, taking it all in. I looked it over carefully. “Orange juice!” I clapped. Tiffany started to get up. “No, no. I got it, you eat.” I pointed. She smiled even wider. I returned with a glass and the carton and sat beside her. “What’s gotten into you?” She asked. “What? I can’t do something nice for you?” I asked, pouring her a glass. “Is this my Christmas present?” “No.” I frowned, propping pillows behind her.
Not really… The point was we had the dorm to ourselves and we had time off. I’d always want to be doing things like this for her, if time permitted. “Is it good?” I asked, watching her eat. She nodded happily. “I can’t believe you made me an American meal.” “I thought you’d like it…” “Why aren’t you eating?” She asked. “I’ll eat after you.” I smiled. She pouted and cut into her pancakes, holding a bite out to me. I chewed. “Mm.” She offered me some eggs next. Before I knew it we’d shared a fork through the entire plate. I insisted on doing the dishes and kept an eye on her as I washed. She passed by sneakily carrying a pile of packages of her own. It looked larger than my stack. I frowned to myself and carried the pot of remaining eggs into the living room with me. I sat down in front of the tree where Tiffany was on her knees. She was watching my every move.
“How do you want to do this?” She asked me. I shrugged. “There’s a few to both of us. Let’s open those first?” I nodded, scooping more eggs into my mouth and setting the pot aside to scoot closer to her. “This one’s from Jessi.” She said smiling, holding a flat red box up. “Open it.” She tore away at the paper to reveal memory cards, ones that would work perfectly with my new video camera. I looked oddly at it. “Why would she make this out to both of us?” I asked, a little perplexed, happy, nonetheless. My card was almost full and I didn’t really want to fill up Jessica’s laptop with my pictures and movies. “Strange.” Tiffany agreed. We exchanged gifts with the other girls last night, so it was weird to have a lingering gift from Jessica sitting there. “This one’s from Santa. Did you do this?” She asked me. “No, but there’s a card.” I pointed.
She read it and her mouth fell open. “It’s from Thomas.” She said. “What!?” She handed me the card. To: Taeny Will install this next week for you. You’re the only ones that will be able to use it. Merry Christmas – Thomas I looked up at Tiffany. “Do you think it’s a bomb?” I laughed. She laughed too. “It’s weird he addressed it to Taeny. I don’t know what to think about this.” “Eh, I’ll take a bomb for you.” I said, smirking and taking the package from her. It was heavy. All it took was one rip and the contents fell out. ... “He got us a deadbolt.” Tiffany said in disbelief.
I looked at it closer. It was common knowledge that Thomas had access to our dorms, to our doors to every single thing that has a lock in our living space. This was more than just an act of kindness; he was giving us privacy. It was a peace offering. “Wow.” I said, looking up at her. Ironic, I thought. He would be by this week to install a lock for us. Does that make him a locksmith? “That’s really something…” Tiffany smiled. I nodded. I wished now that I would have done something for him for Christmas. “Here.” She said handing me another present. “This one’s from me.” I took it, smiling at her. Glancing down at it I wasn’t surprised to see that she managed to find pink wrapping paper. I tore it slowly and stared down at its contents. “You got me a diary?” I grinned. “You get lost in thought a lot, I notice. It’s a really secure lock too you can’t get into it if you don’t have the key, I made sure of it.” She said, biting her lip. “I love it.” I said softly. “I can really use this.” I smiled and held it up to her. I set it aside and sighed, crawling up to pick one out of my pile for her. I was
unsure of what to give to her first. What do you buy for the girl that has everything? I pulled out the thinnest box and handed it to her, frowning about how generic I thought it was. I watched her hands as she worked through it, revealing a purple velvet box. She opened it. “Taeyeon… how much money did you spend on me?” She asked after opening the box. “I’m not telling you that.” I said evenly, moving behind her to put on her new diamond necklace for her. “It’s so beautiful… but…” She said, looking mildly panicked, “I didn’t get you anything like this.” She said. I felt guilty. “The worth of an object doesn’t project its meaning.” I said. “Diamonds last forever. That’s how long I want you.” She kissed my cheek after I fastened the clasp. “You’re being so romantic today, Tae.” She said coyly. I puffed my cheeks out a little. Romantic? There’s something I’ve never been called before. “You should have told me what you wanted.” I said.
“No, I love it!” She clapped before grabbing another gift and handing it to me. She leaned her head on my shoulder to watch me open it. It was heavy, and large. After tearing away the paper there was only an unmarked cardboard box. I looked at her strangely. She smiled and handed me a knife. After I broke the tape and opened the top, I couldn’t talk. “Now you don’t have to borrow Jessi’s anymore.” She said, smiling. I looked up at her in disbelief and back down at my new laptop. She totally outdid me and I knew it. I put an arm around her and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll teach you how to use it.” She smiled. “Thank you….” I shook my head. “It’s too much.” “Too much? I bet this necklace was more expensive than that laptop. Besides, that’s the main thing I got you.” She said in a small voice. She was still admiring her shiny new necklace. “Thank you.” I smiled. I looked under the tree to my last two feeble gifts sitting there, one of which I knew she couldn’t really get to until later... She had one gift bag sitting there for me with pink tissue paper erupting from the top. I leaned up and
grabbed both of my gifts for her and handed her the envelope shaped one. “I want you to open that one later.” I said. I wrote her a ten page letter and felt horrible for it; it felt like such a copout to hand her that on Christmas day. I didn’t want to get her a whole bunch of meaningless stuff, I wanted everything I gave to her to have meaning from my heart. Shopping for a lover was infinitely more difficult than shopping for a friend… “You can open this one now.” I said, handing her a rectangular present. I watched anxiously as she peeled away the paper. It was completely black and the cover had a single silver heart embedded in it. “Oh, Tae…” She gasped. Inside the photo album, I found every single old picture I had of her and me together before and after our debut. It was like a timeline of our lives together since we met. “Chubby cheeks.” She pointed at me on the first page. “You, too.” I pointed, laughing. “Look.” I said, moving through some pages and pointing at a particular picture. It was a self picture we took together the first night we kissed; the night we
started dating. We were on the same pillow; I was holding the camera and smiling into it while she was looking at my face. “This is amazing.” I smiled. “There’s a lot of space at the end for you to add more to it as we go along.” I let my eyes fall to the last bag she had for me under the tree but I felt her hand grip the back of my neck and she pulled me into a kiss. I listened to the soft music playing from her stereo and let her lips caress mine. A thought occurred to me; in this empty dorm where I knew nobody was going to walk in on us, where does a kiss begin and where does it end? It was three months into the relationship now and I still get nervous knowing I’m completely alone with her. I opened my eyes to see her content face lost in the kiss. My eyes darted over to the last bag sitting under the tree. A reason to break the kiss. I pulled away gently. “Fany-ah, are we done?” I asked. She licked her lips and laughed under her breath, “You taste like syrup.” I turned a little red. She eventually looked back to the tree and bit her lip. “I’ll let you open that one later.” She decided.
She started rolling together all the used wrapping paper and I took it from her. “I’ll clean up.” I said, standing up quickly. “I’m going to plug in your laptop okay? It needs to charge.” She said. I nodded and put the large ball of assorted wrapping paper into the garbage. I leaned against the counter in the kitchen and watched her in the living room. She looked happy but I felt like I could have done so much more for her. “Taeyeon-ah!” She called over shoulder. I smiled. “Yep?” I said. “This is the best Christmas I ever-” I stared at her back, her head fell a little. My heart did, too. “Remember having…” She finished quietly. It felt as though somebody had just sucker punched me in the stomach, hard. I leaned over the counter to hide my face in case she happened to turn around and look at me. I could have bought her the entire sky along with every cloud and star that resided in it and it still wouldn’t be enough to completely take her mind off of her mother for Christmas. I wished so badly I could do something for her, anything. “Tae, are you okay?” I stood up straight and looked at her.
“Stomach ache.” I said stupidly. She was holding the last gift she had for me. “I’m not sure if I should give you this anymore…” She frowned. “Fany… whatever it is I’m sure I’ll love it.” I said, touching her hand. “I didn’t know you were going to be so sweet today.” “Is it a gag gift?” I smirked. “That’s okay too.” “Not exactly.” She held the bag out to me. I sifted through the tissue paper and pulled out a mass of black fabric seeming to have no shape. A small piece of it fell to the floor; she picked it up for me. When she was holding it, I could actually see the shape. Black, lacy underwear. I stopped breathing and fumbled a bit further with the part I was holding eventually grabbing it by its thin straps and I let it hang in front of me. It just barely fell below the top of my thighs… The black ensemble tied in the back and appeared to end just above the navel in the front, draping out on the sides. It was simple but absurd, and completely sheer. I could see my hands perfectly clear through the
transparent fabric. I was absolutely shocked. It felt like I’d been standing there for centuries, for so long that roots were growing through the floor and wrapping around my feet, binding me there. She didn’t say anything, but I knew she was watching me. “…Should I put this on now…?” I asked quietly, looking up at her slowly. She smiled softly at me and stepped forward, putting her hand under my chin and closing my gaping mouth for me. “Wouldn’t that be like buying a gift for myself?” She asked lightly. She took the lingerie out of my hand by its straps and folded it gently unto itself. “No, Tae. It’s for me to wear; for your eyes only.” I felt my mouth open again. She smiled wider and closed it for me once more. If my eyes opened any wider I was convinced they’d roll out of my skull. She pecked me on the lips. “No rush.” She whispered, before walking off to our room. When she was out of sight, I made a tight fist and brought it to my mouth, biting down on my knuckles hard. Calm down… I paced frantically.
It’s normal right? It’s been three months… It’s a totally appropriate gift for someone to get their girlfriend for Christmas. There’s nothing wrong with it. Three months… of foreplay. I stopped moving when I tasted blood in my mouth. I examined the miniscule teeth marks and tiny dot of red where my teeth had broken the skin. What the hell happened to me…? Losing control wasn’t like me… but all I could think about was how Tiffany’s body would look in that practically see through… She’s yours. I’ve never done this before… …Neither has she… Take her… I nodded to myself. This is what she wants the most...
I didn’t care that it wasn’t even 1:00pm in the afternoon yet, that it was broad daylight out. That people in other dorms would be awake. I turned around and double checked the lock on the front door and ran to my room, past Tiffany who looked around at my sudden appearance, to close the blinds. “What’s wrong?” She said, alarmed. I turned to her and rocked my weight back and forth between my feet anxiously staring at her intently. “Put it on.” I said, raising my eyebrows as if it was a dare. .. She blinked at me. “Really?” “Really.” I said. “You’re sure?” She gaped, taking a step towards me. “Does it look like I’m joking?” I asked. … “Can I fix my hair, too?” She asked. “I don’t see why, it’s just going to get messed up again.” I said. I wanted to tell her no. I didn’t wait to wait, but I resisted. My fists were clenched so
hard. She exhaled loudly through her nose with wide eyes and grabbed the fabric off the desk, running to the bathroom. I let my guard down out of her vision again, leaning against the wall and feeling my knees shake. I pulled hard for air but it didn’t seem enough to satisfy my ravenous heart. What am I supposed to do now while I wait? What am I supposed to be wearing? Am I supposed to just stand here and wait? Should I be on the bed? Most importantly, what the hell do I do with my hands? My eyes fell upon my camera set up on the tripod sitting in front of the bed. I cocked my head looking at it. It was pointed directly at the bed. Was she going to film a movie for me? I opened up the mini screen and started searching through the videos we’d filmed. First the one where I came home from my meeting, a few pictures we’d taken, some video in Singapore… Then I saw Sunny and Jessica sitting on my bed. Confused, I played the video. “Really?” Jessica said, staring into the camera severely. Sunny was outwardly laughing beside her. “Don’t you think you should put your toys away when you’re done playing with them?” She continued, glancing over to Sunny and smiling. Sunny had recovered.
“You have to be careful filming this stuff.” Sunny said, looking severe now. “This is how people get caught.” Jessica nodded. “You need to make sure you get it off your camera in case you lose it.” I was completely confused. “Really, I expected this sort of thing from Tiffany but I didn’t think Taeyeon would allow it.” Jessica said looking at Sunny. “The kid is full of surprises.” Sunny said, smiling. Jessica bit her lip, staring into space. “Wanna see what they recorded?” She asked Sunny. Sunny’s eyes went huge, “Not really.” She said getting off the bed. Jessica watched her leave. Biting her tongue, she gazed back into the camera blankly. “Just a peek.” She said, smiling before getting off the bed. The video ended. What the…
The door beside me opened. My heart failed. She stood in the doorway smiling at me awkwardly. Her lip was twitching and my eyes roamed over her body. As intricately woven and beautiful this fabric was designed, it left nothing to the imagination. An angel in the flesh was standing before me, approaching me slowly, and I was suddenly an awkward twelve year old boy. “Where’d all that confidence go?” She asked, grinning. I shook my head; every word that passed through me consciously got caught in the back of my throat, keeping me from breathing. “We don’t have to-“ She said. I shook my head more vigorously. “I’ve never… ah... this is...” I sputtered painfully. “I’ve never... either...” She said, staring down at me. Her body was inches from mine, I could feel myself absorbing the heat she was radiating. She took my hand and walked backwards towards the bed, pulling me along with her. I could feel her pulse thrumming quickly through her fingers, or maybe it was my own. I felt like I was floating, I couldn’t feel my legs moving. “We’ll figure it out together.”
------------------------------------------------------------I never knew a certain spot on the wall could be so interesting. I didn’t see it as a wall any longer. It was a vast open field under a luminous pink and yellow sky. The long grass was blowing feebly in the wind next to a stream that was fading out into different colors. From green, to pink, to cyan… Tiffany made me see colors I didn’t even have names for. My own private paradise was a place where I became aware of muscles I didn’t even know I had. I learned where every single nerve ending in my body was. In this place, I could feel every single vein that ran through me reaching a new level of acceleration, from my fingertips to my elbows and knees, even my toes that I couldn’t seem to unclench. With every devastating heart beat I could feel my entire body shudder at the same time. It was beyond body. It was my soul. All the useless worry I had carried with me before vanished; how was I to know it was all instinctual? In my new world, there was no worry. There was no schedule and only one obligation, to its one other inhabitant. In my world, there were no words… communication was unintelligible and consisted mostly of unified physical actions. It was like having a sudden knowledge of a new language you’ve never heard before and it came to you fluently. Tiffany’s new dialogue sang a devastating love song to me, almost moving me to tears… I wondered if this was what being on drugs was like. I blinked slowly a few
times and let go of the bed sheets I didn’t even realize I was clutching to. My eyes felt heavy though I wasn’t tired. I was coming back to reality again, first evident with my notice of how heavily I was breathing. I glanced to the blinds and the entire lighting of the room had changed. The clock beside me read 4:39pm; I stared at it in disbelief. I felt her shift underneath the covers and begin to crawl to the surface. Her head emerged first and I felt her body come to rest on top of me. She pushed her hair out of her face and I watched as most of it stuck to her sweaty forehead. It was pointing in every direction. She was wearing exactly the same expression that I was feeling. She looked punch-drunk with lazy, slightly exhausted eyes. When we made eye contact I felt so frustrated. I never felt so bonded to somebody before in my life. I always thought I’d be so awkward after my first time but if anything it made me more comfortable with Tiffany than ever. There was so much I wanted to tell her, so much I needed her to know about exactly how I felt in this moment, but ‘I love you’ wasn’t enough. I wanted to cry. She didn’t seem to have words either. She kissed me deeply and her head came to rest on my collar bone. I tasted something unfamiliar on her lips and for some reason it made me feel so beautiful. There were no words to speak after what just happened… Everything we needed to say we said without speaking.
I glanced back to my spot of wall again and I couldn’t see my little world anymore but I knew that anytime I wanted to go there, Tiffany could take me. My phone started vibrating on the end table. I looked over just in time to see it fall to the floor. I moved to hang my arm off the edge of the bed and Tiffany moaned her disapproval. “I have to answer, it’s still Christmas.” I whimpered and she moved enough to grant me access to reach it. “Annyeong.” I said dully, putting the phone to my ear. I rolled onto my side and stared into Tiffany’s resting face. “… Umma.” I said softly. Tiffany’s eyes came open. The pain in my heart was somewhat softened due to my impaired senses. “No, I’m fine.” I said sitting up. “I just… took a nap.” That jolt to my heart was a bit more painful. Lying bold faced to my Mother. “Our plane was delayed…” My brain was only allowing me to hear bits and pieces of what she was saying to me, as if to protect myself. “.. Came to surprise you…”
It was like the bed had just dropped out from under me. “You’re in town?” I winced. Tiffany sat up too, now, the covers falling off of her shoulders revealing her body to me again. I had to look away. “Oppa? Hayeon? You’re all here?” My voice cracked. Hayeon? My sister? Not her too… Thud. I felt it hit me in the chest. “Omo. Yes, alright, we’ll be there. What gate?” I asked bringing my hand to my forehead. “Twenty minutes.” I said, hanging up. I could feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my face, but I still couldn’t look at her. “We have to go to the airport.”
.. lean on me ..
“Umma…I’m not going anywhere.” I said glancing sideways at her. She insisted on holding my hand throughout dinner. Looking across the table I saw Tiffany positively beaming at my mother’s cuteness. The five of us were huddled at the small dining table in their shabby hotel room, opting out of going to a restaurant by my decision. I didn’t want them being photographed and broadcasted all over the internet anymore than they already had been. It was a small inconvenience but it was so important to me to protect them. “I can eat with my left hand.” My mother said happily. My eyes landed on my sister who was staring open mouthed at Tiffany. Hayeon’s thought process had grown considerably sharper since I last saw her. I think in that time she must have really come to a realization about what I do for a living and how large of a scope we were at now. I thought… she looked like me in miniature; without the makeup or the bleach. My pure natural features were captured in her face. She had met Tiffany before our debut on many occasions, but Tiffany wasn’t just Tiffany to her anymore. This was SNSD’s Tiffany now and apparently that was blowing my sister’s mind. It was… adorable. She got extra points for having good taste. “Hayeon, are you doing well in school?” I asked. “Yes, Unnie.” She said, sitting up straight and pulling her attention away from Tiffany.
“Really?” I asked critically. “She’s very smart and gets good grades…” My mother said, gazing at my sister, “But… hmm, well why don’t you tell her what you want to be when you grow up, Hayeon?” “Umma…” My sister said indignantly, shrinking considerably. “What does she want to be?” I turned to my Mom when it didn’t look like Hayeon was going to answer. My mother smiled faintly “She said she wants to be you.” My sister was staring intently at her plate now turning red. That assertion hit me in the stomach… I wished I could be around more for her. I actually missed most of her growth completely since she’s been self aware. The way she acted in front of me was too shy to be familiar. I didn’t like it; I wanted her to be comfortable with me. “That’s a hard life…” I said softly. “Can you sing?” “I love to sing.” Hayeon said. “I could get her some vocal lessons…”I said, looking to my father. My mother squeezed my hand.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to lose another daughter to the entertainment business.” She said. I looked at her sadly. “If she’s anything like Taeyeon, we won’t be able to stop her.” My father said getting to his feet and heading into the small kitchen. “Umma, you didn’t lose me…” “I know that.” She said, patting my shoulder. I didn’t think she really believed that. I set down my chopsticks and took the shot from the delicate glass in front of me. I was pleased to find that the alcohol wasn’t burning my throat anymore. When I went to pour another, I found the bottle empty. My father and I had gone through the entire thing alone. Surely, he must have had substantially more than I did… “More Soju?” My father asked me, bringing another bottle back to the table. “Please, Appa.” He poured some into the little glass besides in front of me. Tiffany looked extremely concerned, knowing I had little to no tolerance for drinking. To try and appease her, I picked my chopsticks back up. “How’s the shop?” I asked my father.
“Really good.” He said thoughtfully. “We still have so many people come in to visit your shrine or ask about you.” “I hope they still give you business.” I said, taking the next shot. Tiffany frowned and mouthed, “Stop.” I sighed, turning the glass upside down and wiping my mouth. I was very sure I wasn’t drunk. My skin was slightly tingly and I could feel my muscles relax a bit, nothing more. “Mostly.” My father said happily. “I don’t mind though.” “So, my eldest, have you met any nice guys?” I sighed, somehow expecting this moment not to come so soon. The moment I was dreading was upon us. “No, Umma. We don’t have time to date.” I scowled at myself for using the mechanical generic excuse. “You’re in the prime of your life.” My mother lamented. “You’re so beautiful and... you know there’s more importance in life than just working.” I swallowed hard, knowing all too well about the importance of life now. I looked up at the most important thing in my world now to see her melancholy eyes. I knew she could see the pain on my face. I stared at her as if crying for help. “… I know that, Umma.”
“And you meet so many handsome men in your line of work…” She simpered. I stood up, walking heavily to the sink with my plate. I turned on the water to rinse it and became enraptured watching the water flow into the drain. “Are you drunk?” Tiffany whispered, setting her plate beside me. “No.” I frowned. “What’s wrong?” “I have to tell her.” I breathed. … “…Whatever you decide Tae, I’m behind you.” She patted my shoulder and I turned without looking at her. “Have you thought about having children?” My mother asked from the table, looking up at me. I looked around wildly for any last attempt I could come up with to change the subject; to stop the inevitable. “Umma, why don’t you let me go see if I can get this room upgraded, you guys need something bigger-” “This is your Christmas present.” She said, “You’re not paying for us and you aren’t changing the subject.” She pointed a finger at me, getting to her feet with her own plate.
I brought a hand to my forehead and closed my eyes... “Hayeon, could you go to the bedroom for a moment? I need to talk to Mom.” My sister stood awkwardly and looked at my dad before leaving the room. “You don’t have to…” I heard Tiffany whisper to my back. I shook my head. “Umma…” I looked at the ground. “What’s wrong, Sweetie?” She asked me, touching my face. I moved my head away from her touch. “I… am in a relationship.” I closed my eyes. My lips felt like they were going numb. … “…But that’s great.” My mother cupped my face in her hands. I looked over her head to avoid her gaze. “What’s his name? You need to stop feeling so guilty for doing something for yourself that isn’t related to work…” She turned around to look at my father, “I told you she works against herself, it’s like she wants to be miserable…” I looked at my father who was calmly removing his glasses. My mother was on a tangent now, so I just let my eyes fall back to the floor and said it. “Hwang… Miyoung.”
Everything went so quiet and I couldn't look up at her. I couldn't move. I couldn't think or react or breathe... Like slow motion I saw the plate fall out of my mother’s hands right into the spot of floor I was already looking at, as if somehow I knew it was going to happen and I was expecting it; waiting for it. I felt like I had all the time in the world to catch It, but I just stood there bound to the spot, watching it shatter without any adverse reaction to the crash… ---------------------------------My eyes were fixated on the back of Taeyeon’s head. What she just did was either incredibly brave or stupid; maybe it was a combination of both. Whatever it was, I hoped that she didn’t do it because she felt she needed to in order to please me. I knew I had just been implicated. I half expected them to turn on me, but I was more worried about Taeyeon’s fate. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted the consequence to be split between us rather than pushed solely on her shoulders. The silence was now spanning what seemed like decades. Her mother’s face was frozen stiff in place. Pure skepticism. Her father… her father merely looked thoughtful. He always seemed like such a geniune person but I could never actually read him by his outward appearance, even after knowing him for so many years. “What did you say?” Her mother whispered. Taeyeon’s entire body shuddered. She turned around and held a hand out to me; I took it without hesitation and came to stand next to her. I kept my
gaze upon her nonetheless. I didn’t need to see what her parents were doing, she was more important. “… You… you’re just confused.” Her mother said slowly, nodding to herself. “Let me clean this up.” She started to walk away. Taeyeon gritted her teeth and threw her head back, in a similar fashion, I thought, to how someone might look if they were on fire. I had to look away. “Umma, there’s nothing confused about it! This is who I am! This is how I feel!” “You’re a lesbian?” Her mother asked with raised eyebrows, somewhat frenzied. “…I don’t consider myself...” Taeyeon said, “I’m just in lov-” “With a woman.” Mrs. Kim pointed at me. “… Maybe I am.” She looked up at me and then back to her mother. “This is the only person I’ve ever been attracted to; if that makes me a lesbian then you can call me that instead of the name you gave me.” Mrs. Kim recoiled and it was silent once again. I held my breath while they tried to stare each other down, both shocked and impressed with Taeyeons response. “Aren’t you going to say something to your daughter?” She spoke to her husband.
I was also wondering why he was being so quiet; sitting so still. He ran a hand across his mouth, opened it, and closed it again. “What about your father?” Taeyeon’s mother pointed at me again. “Oh, he’s probably westernized by now. This is no big deal right?” I felt my face begin to pale and I just looked away from her. I could feel Taeyeon’s breathing picking up rapidly and watched her face. I’ve never seen her so… vulnerable before. She risked her entire career and reputation for me already but for the first time since we’ve gotten together, it truly seemed like we hit a brick wall. I thought I understood, though, why didn’t share her fears with me. If she knew me at all, she’d know I wouldn’t let her pick me between me and her family. I simply wouldn’t have allowed her to be put into such a position. “Say something.” Her mother said to her father once more, though she didn’t seem to have any words herself. I stared at the side of Taeyeon’s defeated face. She was looking over her mother’s her head adamantly, into nothing. I thought maybe this expression was guilt; regret, like she wished she hadn’t said anything in the first place. When I heard her father’s chair drag across the floor I saw her eyes change, they were filling up slowly… She was anticipating the harshest blow yet. “Look at me.” Her father said, standing in front of her and staring down directly into her eyes. He held her head, tilting it back to force her to look at him. She blinked once and the moisture overflowed, streaming down her
face. I held her hand tighter and crouched into something like a defensive stance, not that I even knew what I would do if things got out of control. “This is true?” He said gently, looking towards me. “Yes.” My voice cracked. He nodded thoughtfully and turned his attention back to his daughters face, letting his hands fan out across her cheeks, pushing aside her tears. “… I love you.” He said softly. Taeyeon’s face flashed through a hundred different emotions in about a second and her entire body lurched forward, as if she was going to fall. It startled me, but she let go of my hand to throw her arms around her father’s neck. My heart leapt from my chest as I watched them, hearing a small sob escape her. Her mother looked… sort of appalled. I met eyes with her while this was happening and got a somewhat warped hostile face. I frowned at her. “Oh, alright.” Mrs. Kim said, throwing her arms up. “This is all perfectly normal. Aren’t we supposed to protect our children? You’re okay with this?” She was poking her husband’s shoulder relentlessly until he let go of Taeyeon. Taeyeon stumbled backwards into me and I held her tightly. Her face was almost completely glazed in her own tears now. “Look at her.” He said, pointing towards Taeyeon. “Does she look like a child?”
“I know she’s not a child-“ “Then what can we do?” He said. “It’s her life. I’d want different for her for my own interests but if this is what makes her happy I’m not going risk losing her over it.” “Aish… how can this be?” Taeyeon’s mother whimpered. “I’d say we got lucky.” Taeyeon’s father said. “I mean… She’s one of the most famous women in Korea. People get really messed up by fame and our daughter has remained grounded and safe. She’s mostly the same.” He looked back towards us. “… If anything she’s just stronger.” “.. Umma?” Taeyeon asked as if she was testing the water. As if she wanted to see if she could still call her mother by such a name. Her mother shook her head. “I… I need time. I can’t think straight.” “Fine.” Taeyeon said, sniffing loudly and walking out of my arms. “Take all the time you need. Merry Christmas.” She crossed the room in thee strides and pulled the door shut behind her loudly. I stood there awkwardly as Taeyeon’s mother dissolved into tears. I bent double start starting picking up the shards of plate, piling them on top of each other. When I stood up straight Mr. Kim took the wreckage from me, looking me
deep in the eyes. “Go. Take care of her.” “I will.” I promised him. When I got into the hallway, I could see the elevator close on her. When I got to the lobby, I could see her walking out the front door. I ran to keep pace. Outside, I saw her pull open the door of a cab and decide against it, walking away down the street and leaving it open. I closed it as I ran by it after her. She pulled her hood up and kept her head down, actually bumping into a few people passing by on the busy sidewalk. She turned off the sidewalk before she hit the corner, walking across a field towards an empty playground. I slowed to a walk and watched her as she stepped up and over a merry go round to take a seat on one of the swings. I silently took the swing beside her. “I’m sorry I ruined your Christmas.” She said softly, staring blankly at the cars passing us on the busy street we faced. I reached over and took her chain, pulling her closer to me. Our swings met somewhere in the middle and my face came to rest against hers. She closed her eyes. “You didn’t ruin anything. I just wish you would have told me…”
“It’s my problem.” She said. “It’s our problem.” I corrected her, smiling thoughtfully. “I know how you operate. You like to take every problem aside by yourself and deal with it alone and it just doesn’t work like that anymore. We’re a team now.” She pulled away to look in my face and her eyes were slightly unfocused. “Isn’t it something that she automatically assumes I must be confused. I couldn’t possibly be thinking straight. There must be something wrong with me.” She laughed. “As if I caught a cold or something and it’ll pass; How insulting.” “Give her time, let it sink in.” I said softly. I used my thumbs in an effort to wipe away the mascara that had bled and stained the side of her face. It was freaking ridiculous how beautiful she looked, even in one of her worst moments; even when she cried. “What would I do without you?” She asked, blinking slowly. I pushed the hood off her head and started smoothing her hair over. “You’ll never find out.” I said, smiling. “I'll always be here to take care of you, you know that right?” “I’m so thankful for that.” She said under her breath. “I bet that went better than you thought it would, huh?” I asked.
“Yeah. My dad…” She said, smiling hugely and shaking her head incredulously. “He must have given you your calmness.” She nodded, an unsatisfied look crossing her face. “Pani? My butt’s wet.” I laughed when she stood up and had a perfect rectangular shaped mark across her butt where the seat had been. The water on my seat couldn’t have been enough to soak through the jacket tied around my waist. “Yah, that’s not funny.” She said, rubbing her backside and squinting. “Do you think that’s going to work?” I laughed harder. “Friction is heat.” She said, unable to stop laughing herself. “Come here.” I said, pulling her to sit on my lap. I put my arms around her and rested my chin on her shoulder. She complied with a small smile on her lips. “You’re drunk.” I accused. “I’m not.” She said softly, letting her eyes close. I sighed, pulling out my cell phone to call a company van to come pick us up. Even if she was rather cute in whatever state you would consider her
mind in right now, I still had to protect her image. The darkness was more evident to me now. Every time the traffic light in front of us changed it almost looked like she was wearing a different expression. When we were both glowing under the red light, she opened her eyes again and looked at me. It still takes my breath away whenever she gazes at me like this. “What am I going to do with you?” I asked after I hung up the phone. “Anything you want.” She grinned at me lazily, trying to wink but not quite succeeding. “Oh my god.” I laughed, bringing a hand to my face. I was convinced the alcohol she drank had finally caught up with her. She let her head fall back and mimicked me dramatically, turning sideways on my lap. “Oh my god.” She said, throwing her arms around me and hugging me tight. “I love you so much.” She said in English. “My baby.” I didn’t really have words for that. I just held her and used the swing to rock her slowly until the Van came. But her English refresher must have triggered something in her head because she spent the entire ride home singing the Wonder Girls’ song, “Be my baby”, complete with the dance moves and the rap, after it came on the radio. Even worse, she coaxed the driver into singing with her after the
second verse. I had to cover her mouth until we got into the dorm to keep from waking everyone in the building up while we were in the hallway. “You’re so loud.” I chuckled when I finally let her free. “You’re the loud one.” Her mouth hung open indignantly, “Fany Fany Tipani!” She brought her fingers up to make little ears on her head completely mocking my old introduction. “I hope you enjoy this.” I smirked, leading her into the bedroom. “I’m not letting you drink again for a long time.” “I’m not drunk! I’m just… relieved?” She finished uncertainly, sitting on the bed. “Well, I’m proud of you. That was really brave.” I said, undressing and finding a small white t-shirt to wear to bed. When I turned around again, I found her staring at me closely wearing a shy smile. “Fany-ah, we could… pick up where we left off and pretend that other part of the day never happened.” She said thoughtfully, her eyes were fixated on my body. This both surprised and excited me. It made me think that she enjoyed herself earlier and considering we had like zero time to talk about it, I felt lifted. Unfortunately, I knew I still had to respect her current state of mind. “We could,” I agreed, stepping into a baggy pair of pajama pants and lying down. “If you were sober.”
“I am sober.” Her head hit the pillow beside me and she pouted at me sadly. “Are you lying to me, Kim Taeyeon?” I asked her seriously. She took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m not drunk but I’m not sober.” “We’ve got practice tomorrow.” I said softly. “Orchestra practice.” She smirked. “But the girls will be home tomorrow.” She said this as if it might change my mind. “Don’t worry, we’ll find time for each other when they’re around, too.” I said. We’d have to. There was no way I’d be able to go without doing that again for long. I grinned. “Today was a roller coaster.” She sighed and I could still see she was upset about dinner. I was sure no ammount of alcohol would wipe that completely from her mind any time soon. “It was a rough day.” I agreed. She laughed, “There always has to be something standing in front of us, huh?” “Well, what else are you afraid of?”
“Honestly? Nothing. Unless you get bored of me...” She said. That was ridiculous. I didn’t even feel like dignifying it with response. “Yeah, right.” I rolled my eyes. “Do you really think my mother will come around?” She asked me softly. “I think so.” I said. “I bet your dad talks some sense into her.” “She wants grandkids.” Taeyeon frowned. I sat up and pulled the covers over us. “Do you want kids?” I asked her. “Not anytime soon.” She smiled, scooting in to rest on my shoulder. “Me too.” I said. “What do you want to do, Fany-ah? When all this is over.” She asked, waving a hand in the air. “When SNSD disbands?” I asked. I didn’t really like talking about this, about the girls going their separate ways. I couldn’t really see it happening that way. For some reason I think we’ll all be together forever in some way, even if it’s just getting together on the weekends or whenever we have free time. A lot of the girls, I know for a fact, want to try their hand in solo work after we split; Taeyeon, in particular.
“I… don’t know. I’d like to keep singing but I’d like to go to school, too.” I said. “Would you go to school in America?” She asked, running her finger along my side. It sent a chill down my spine. “Probably. For a while, at least.” I said, taking her hand. “I’d go with you.” She said. “No.” I smiled. “Everyone’s anticipating your solo career, Tae.” “Let them.” She said. “I go where you go.” I shook my head, hardly seeing a reason to argue about something that could be years off. By then, if it truly came down to that, I will stage an incredible change of heart about going to America to study and stay in Korea. I wouldn’t let her walk away from her future for me. “What’s got you thinking about this?” I asked. “I always think about the future. What it would be like to get a place together? Or if we weren’t in this band; if we lived a normal life.” She said, closing her eyes. “Like you would have been able to approach me if we just went to school together or something?” I laughed sardonically. “You wouldn’t have ever said anything if Sunny didn’t tell me to go sleep with you that night.” She opened her eyes and quirked her eyebrows at me before rolling onto her
back and laughing loudly. “What?” I asked. “I knew it!” She said triumphantly. “What?!” I shoved her. “Lee Soonkyu!” She said exuberantly, “She told you! You said you found her asleep that night. You were in on it!” Damn. “Yah...” I sighed. “Were you in on Australia, too? Did you ask them to get out of the house that night? To leave the ocean when I came in?” She asked teasingly. “That’s enough.” I looked away, waving a hand in the air. Her laughter reached new heights. “See, you were just as shy as I was.” “Oh no!” I said, rolling onto my side, “Taeyeon, I could have thrown myself at you, no problem, I just…didn’t want to rush you. I wanted you to feel like you were in control.” “Why?”
“Because.” I said, looking at her blankly. I didn’t know why. “Maybe… I think someone that takes initiative is sexy.” I smirked. Let her think about that. I felt her head retake its place on my shoulder. She was wearing a satisfied grin and playing with one of my hands. “Anyway, we should always be together, don’t you think Tipani?” She asked me. I wondered if she really had to ask that; like she didn’t know already? Life without Taeyeon? Unthinkable. The first girl that gave me a chance in Korea as a person and as a performer. The one that pushed me when I was too tired and made me stronger. Who I thought I knew better than the back of my hand yet always caught me off guard when I least expected it. She took me through so much confusion at such a young age about who I was and why I was feeling the way I was feeling about her. It took me so long to realize that it didn’t matter if it was normal. As long as she understood, that’s all I cared about. I looked down at her and found her eyes closed but her face wasn’t peaceful. Her jaw was set in a stiff manner. I moved into kiss her cheek but she
opened one eye before I made contact, making me jump. “You’re going to answer, right?” She whispered. “Aigoo.” I hit her shoulder. “You scared the hell out of me.” She laughed, “But you have to answer.” “Yes, Yes. Of course, you fool. Always.” I said falling back into the pillow and staring at the ceiling. “Forever?” She asked. I smirked. “Are you proposing?” “Do you want me to?” She gazed at me. Her face was so sincere it kept me from speaking. I didn’t know what to say. Judging by her expression, if I said yes she’d go buy a ring tomorrow. If I said no, would it hurt her feelings? Was this a result of the alcohol? She laughed at me, lying down again. “You don’t have to answer that one, yet.” “Omo...”I breathed, exhaling and feeling my muscles relax. I heard her chuckle. “Go to sleep before you kill me.” I whimpered.
Her hand landed on my face and pulled me towards her. I didn’t realize how I much I missed her soft lips from earlier until she was kissing me again, even if I thought I might be able to get a cheap buzz off of her breath alone. Stupid, I thought, to take her so seriously about something so huge like that. Taeyeon is level headed. She wouldn’t want to be spontaneous about something as serious as marriage, I knew that. But… it didn’t stop me from dreaming about white dresses that night. -------------------------------------------------“So, you told her.” I said, staring between Sunny and Jessica. “I don’t think that really matters, now, does it Taeyeon?” Sunny asked, looking amused. “… It was all a set up?” I asked. “I wouldn’t really call it a set up; you just needed a push in the right direction.” Jessica stared up at me blankly. I stood and puffed my cheeks out, looking at myself once more in the mirror. “How long did you know she liked me?” I stared at Sunny in the reflection. She poked her tongue into her cheek and laughed.
“Quite a while.” She giggled, coming behind me to adjust the furry black jacket I was wearing. “And… how long did you know I liked her?” I asked dully. “Only since you started sleep talking about her.” She snorted. I turned on Sunny and the look in my eyes must have told her she’d be safer in the other dressing room because she scurried away. I slowly started advancing after her. “Wait.” Jessica said. “It's is coming loose.” She turned me around to face the mirror again and began adjusting the microphone receiver that was somewhat embedded in my back pocket. She wasn’t exactly delicate about this. She looked down my body in the mirror and quirked her head to the side. “These are supposed to ride lower.” She said thoughtfully. She put her thumbs into the corner of my pants in the front and tugged them down to hug my hips tighter, exposing more of my stomach. How quiet it was made me aware that we were the only two left in this dressing room. I watched Jessica’s face and the icy expression she wore told me absolutely nothing. “How long did you know?” I said to break the silence. “Well, I shared a room with her.” She said, “She talked about you all the
time. She’s not very subtle.” “Why didn’t I pick up on it? “ I frowned. “I think... you’ve always been oblivious to these things, Taeyeon-ah.” She said softly, her mouth becoming a straight line. She pulled a stray piece of my hair back to rest behind my ear without meeting my gaze and clapped me on the shoulders. "There. Perfect." “Always?” I turned to look at her, but I saw an angel standing in the door way, my eyes didn’t make it to Jessica. Tiffany looked… like a live action doll, there was no other way to describe her. Her hair was in the most perfect meticulous tight bun on the top of her head and her white dress made me feel far too inadequate and underdressed to even be in her presence. She was holding her flute at her side. “We need to be at the stage.” She smiled at me. “Wow. You guys look like you’re about to get married.” Jessica said. Maybe. Though I was certain I wanted Tiffany to be showing far less leg at our wedding. “Come on.” She said, holding a hand out to me.
I dug quickly through my purse to pull out my cell phone one last time; to check if maybe, just maybe, my mother had left me a message or tried to call. I frowned when I came up empty handed and threw it aside, taking Tiffany’s hand. On the way to the stage, I decided that I would use this broadcast to show my mother just how grown up her daughter is now; I would sing directly at her... I thought it was so appropriate that Tiffany would be playing me in using such a delicate and innocent instrument as a flute. My strained vocals and her delicate notes were no different to me. She told a story just as fierce as mine using half the effort.
.. lockdown ..
The applause was deafening. Together, we were lined up receiving praise for the performance we just put on. I stood beside Tiffany and waved out them, once again embracing their love. Days could seem like months to me when I wasn’t performing. The adrenaline was running through my veins again and I had a feeling it had healing properties. My favorite thing about being up here in this moment was that it took all of my attention; my domestic problems were merely an afterthought up here. But being as this was an SM performance, and not strictly an SNSD
performance, we had to be on our best behavior so as not to draw attention to ourselves and look arrogant. “Tae.” I heard Tiffany say softly beside me. I looked off into the crowd on her side and saw her out of the corner of my eye, speaking between her smile skillfully. “Look at that sign.” She muttered. “Where?” I asked between my teeth. “Right side. Front row.” She was clapping. I clapped as best I could with a microphone in my hand and glanced to where she directed, squinting to scan the crowd. I fought off a smile and turned back to her side. “’Taeny’.” I grinned, waving to the left. “There’s a fancam, too.” “Everyone wants video of my sexy girlfriend.” She said smugly, behind the safety of her hands that she was now holding in front of her mouth. My eyes slightly bulged. “Omo, sexy? You shouldn’t say things like that to me on stage.” I said hotly, getting a thrill out of hearing her call me ‘sexy’ nonetheless. “It’s true, you look hot tonight, and it’s kind of funny when you can’t react.” She chuckled, bowing to the crowd as a whole.
Can’t react? I turned to faced her directly, staring into her eyes. I pouted at her and leaned in closer. “What are you doing?” Her eyes grew significantly. I had to laugh at her expression and when I did my face was closer to hers than ever. I tilted my head to the side and gave her an annoying look. Her head that was already set on a collision course with mine jolted back slightly, alarmed. “Taeyeon, I swear… Knock it off. You’re making it so obvious!” I could hear her panic underneath her muffled voice. I said nothing, continuing to stare at her with a satisfied grin. If she was thinking I wouldn’t react just because this was a special occasion then she was wrong. It was foolish of her to bait me. I knew Taeny fancammers had already captured way more incriminating evidence than this in the past. “You’re going to get us in trouble.” She glared at me. “You’re so pretty, yeochin…” I crooned with as much aegyo as I could fit between my stiff grin. If looks could kill, I would have been flat on my back. She kept trying to look around me to the crowd but her eyes kept flickering back to mine, unable to concentrate. On the other side of her, I saw Seohyun glance towards us with a blank face. That meant disapproval at my joking around. I bit my lip to keep from laughing harder.
“Do you want to die?” She asked me, opening up her hands. Luckily for her, the spotlights that were illuminating us went out. Everyone made to leave the stage and once we were out of the crowd’s view she unleashed a flurry of weak punches to my shoulder. “Don’t do that, Kim Taeyeon!” I arched my shoulder to catch most of her feeble attack. “Calm down, Fany-ah.” I chuckled. “I’ll get you back for that. You just wait.” She said, pointing a finger at me. I grinned at her as we walked back to get changed until she smiled back at me. I knew she couldn’t stay mad at me for long and I wasn’t sure she was really mad as much as she was exasperated. I had no regrets either way; her reaction was worth twice as much of every jab she threw. “Oops. Watch it.” I said, pulling her out of the way of the open door in front of her and pushing her ahead of me as we entered the dressing room. ----------------------------------------------“Very well done tonight, girls.” Thomas said from the front seat. I smiled softly from the back of the van where my head was perched on Tiffany’s shoulder.
There was a cold atmosphere that left it substantially quieter in the van than it usually was. I knew many of the girls were tired due to the second performance we had but I also knew there was another reason. The Gayo Daejun basically meant the end of promotions for The Boys in Korea. Next up would be Japan and not everyone was looking forward to leaving their families behind once again and there was also a moment of time where there would be a void in our schedules. A few girls had dramas and CF’s to shoot for, Tiffany would be performing in Fame again… and I knew what I had to do. Though, I knew for a while this was coming, I didn’t really give myself time to prepare for it, not from my relationship’s standpoint, anyway. “So, Taeyeon,” He said, looking at me in the rearview mirror, “Your plane leaves at 10am tomorrow.” “I know.” I said softly. “Oh, Japan?” Sooyoung turned around to look at me. “Yep.” I said. “How long will you be gone?” Jessica asked without turning around. “Four days.” I said, jutting my chin out. I was concentrating on the little designs on the interior of the seat in front of me. I couldn’t see Tiffany’s face but I knew she knew about this trip I was taking to promote my OST song from Athena. She didn’t say anything, but I felt her shoulder rise higher than normal as she took a deep breath. Sooyoung was
staring at her sympathetically. Four days was a lifetime without Tiffany. It certainly wasn’t in the same league as the other adversities we’d faced in the past. Rather, it was a new contender altogether. Separation anxiety. “We’ll keep you busy, Fany.” Sooyoung smiled. “Four days is nothing.” “Omo, remember when Fany got injured?” Yuri laughed beside me. “I do!” Sunny turned around with wide eyes and pointed at me. “The kid was a mess!” I grinned. “Remember that? She’d bring up Tiffany in every interview.” Sooyoung nodded. “Tiffany’s personal spokesperson.” Yoona laughed. I felt Tiffany laugh. “She missed the Golden Disk Awards.” I lamented. “That was a long month.” Hyoyeon shook her head. “This one was so miserable.” She pointed her thumb at me. “Aw, but it’s sweet. She was just worried.” Sooyoung grinned, shoving a
laughing Sunny. “I didn’t realize you were so torn up about that.” Tiffany said. “Mm. Yah.” I said, sitting up and looking at Tiffany. “You aren’t allowed to get hurt anymore.” “I’ll remember that.” She smiled as the van pulled into the parking lot. “You are to remain healthy and happy whether I’m here or not.” I said, taking her hand to help her out of the van. “That goes for you, too.” She said. Dinner seemed to be the priority for most of the girls when we got back up into the dorms. I used the diversion to escape to my bedroom and pack so I wouldn’t have to do it in front of Tiffany. I hoped not doing it in front of her would make the process easier for her. Out of sight, out of mind… Four days wasn’t really that big of a deal, was it? Tiffany would be busy with her play and I had performances to distract me. And though I knew from experience I knew there was a lot of downtime I’d be spending by myself, it was a comfort to know that Sooyoung and the others would be taking care of her in my absence. I got the essentials out of the way first; shoes, clothes, accessories, makeup, then I started thinking about what I’d absolutely die without. Passport. Cell phone charger, obviously; my lifeline to Tiffany. My ring I would probably want to sleep with. I secured it back into its box and buried it in the corner of my bag underneath the clothes.
I looked around for anything else I might want when I saw the door open. Tiffany was holding a cup of tea on a saucer. Her face fell slightly when she saw the suitcase but she recovered with a quick smile. “For your throat.” She said, holding up the tea. “Thank you.” I beamed, sliding the suitcase off the end of the bed kicking it partially under the bed. She crossed the room and set it on the desk behind me before pulling me into a back breaking hug. “Are you okay, Fany-ah?” I said in a strained voice. She let go to look down at me. “I’m… fine. It’ll be okay, right?” She asked. Once again, her eyes gave away her deeper feelings. “Yes…” I said thoughtfully, “Four days isn’t that long.” I could tell she tried to look happy. “Too long.” She half smiled. I felt the same way.
“We can talk constantly!” I held up my phone. “I’ll take you loads of pictures and we can video chat when we’re both free.” Her expression didn’t change. I looked around wildly for something to cheer her up. “Maybe, when I get home we can go out? We haven’t really gone on real date before.” She pouted a little. “Fany-ah…” I said sadly touching her face, “We have to get used to this. It’s going to happen every now and then, you know?” “I know that.” She said softly, leaning her nose into the side of my head. “That doesn’t make it any easier… I’ll be okay. I’m just really going to miss you.” She said. “Well…” I slid my hands down her arms and took her hands, “I don’t want to think about you missing me.” She looked at me a bit puzzled when I started swaying her back and forth. With just under thirteen hours left to one another, I decided being negative about it would only make things worse. I started making the dance more obvious and she only halfway kept up with me, looking a little bemused. “Be happy, Fany-ah, I haven’t left yet!” I said enthusiastically, pulling her close to me and putting a hand on her lower back, swaying her back and forth. “Dork.” She smiled down at me.
“Your dork.” I grinned, lifting her arm above her head and biting my lip in concentration. “Fany-ah, I’m not tall enough, you’re going to have to spin me.” She shook her head at me, beaming. “I’m serious. Spin me. Please?” She chortled, holding my hand above my head and pulling me in a small circle. I looked up at her expectantly after I went full circle and dropped my hands to her shoulders. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I asked. Her eyes disappeared in her smile. “I’m taking you up on that date offer when you get back.” She said. “Only if you promise not to mope around while I’m gone.” I poked her nose. “Yes, alright.” She smiled, smelling something. “Promise?!” “Yes! I promise…” She said, her head turning back towards the smell of dinner. “Tae, I’m starving.” I moved her head back to face mine.
“Kissu.” She kissed me quickly and started leading me to the kitchen, but I locked my legs. “Fany-ah, I’m going to finish here first and then I’ll come eat, okay?” “Don’t take too long.” She said before she disappeared down the hall. I sipped on my tea, which felt incredibly soothing against my spent throat and started slipping my laptop into its carrying case. It probably wasn’t exactly essential to bring but I wanted her to think I was getting use out of it. I dumped out the contents of my jewelry box onto my desk and sifted through its contents. Something caught my eye towards the bottom of the pile and I pulled out an old, slightly tarnished chain. On the end of it hung an aged looking key charm, one I used to wear quite frequently. I ogled the old friendship necklace Tiffany gave me, having thought I lost it, scrutinizing the discolored key and wishing I could make it look new again. It wasn’t very expensive and not made out of a real precious metal, seeing as it was something I just gave Tiffany a few won to buy for me. Back in those days, we didn’t really have enough money to have nice things… I looked to Tiffany’s side of the room wondering if she still had her lock somewhere. Apprehensively, I hung my head outside of my door and heard the normal sounds of the girls eating dinner, talking, laughter, cutlery on plates…
I closed the door as quietly as possible and quickly started digging through Tiffany’s possessions, completely on edge about possibly getting caught the entire time. Her things were far more organized than mine, in little pink containers and bins she kept lined up along the far wall. These were things she didn’t use frequently; everything else was sort of mixed in with my own stuff by now. I went through two different containers full of jewelry before I hit the jackpot in the third. Her lock was just as badly damaged as my key. I carefully set it aside and put everything back just the way I found it before I examined it closer. I held the tarnished lock and the corroded key in my hand under the light sadly. The very symbol of our friendship had decayed over the years. I didn’t really think this was acceptable. Then I wondered if it was still operational… I picked up the key by its back delicately and pointed it at the lock… “Taeyeon-ah!” My door came open at lightning speed and the shout made me jump as if I was just branded by a hot iron. Sunny was glaring at me. I fumbled with the necklaces and slid them into my pocket hoping I wasn’t caught. “What are you doing?” She asked, crossing the room. “Just… packing.” I said, heading back to my suitcase.
“This is your last night here, have dinner with your girls.” She said, grabbing my shoulders and pushing me towards the door. “Ah- Sun- Let me finish.” I said quickly, turning around. “We are going to miss you.” She said, seriously, “Your girlfriend being at the top of that list. Spend time with us, pack later.” She prodded me roughly. I gave in knowing she was right. I let her push me down the hall and found an empty seat next to Tiffany. She’d made me a plate so I started eating and smiled sideways at her. Yoona was lecturing Jessica about acting so I remained silent, though it didn’t seem Jessica was really listening to her. Tiffany stole a bite off of my plate before taking her own empty plate to the sink. I didn’t think I was in the room by myself for that long to have missed the entire dinner, but sure enough looking around I saw most of the girls sitting over their empty plates. I felt sad that they still felt obligated to sit here because of me. Tiffany speared a piece of chicken off my plate and held it up to my lips when she saw I’d stopped eating. I chuckled at her cuteness and took the bite. “So, Taeyeon-ah, will you be coming back to Korea, or will we be meeting you there?” Sooyoung asked me, folding her hands and resting her head on top of them. “I will be returning.” I nodded, swallowing and wiping my mouth. “We travel
to Osaka together.” “Good.” Sunny said, thoughtfully. “I don’t like being separated.” “Me neither.” Yuri said. My eyes landed on Jessica. She was staring vacantly and blatantly at Tiffany until Yuri took a napkin to wipe some sauce off the corner of her mouth. The action seemed to have woken Jessica up. “Taeyeon will travel safely and return quickly.” Tiffany asserted, pulling some of my hair behind my ear. “That’s right.” I nodded, pushing the rest of my rice to one side of the plate. “Don’t worry so much.” “Are you done, Unnie?” Seohyun asked Sooyoung before taking her plate. Under the guise of conversation, Tiffany leaned her head on my shoulder. “Aren’t you hungry?” She asked in undertone. “Not really.” I leaned my head to the side and set down my chopsticks on my half eaten plate. “Nervous?” She asked. “No…” I leaned closer to her ear and whispered. “I really think I’d just rather be alone with you right now.”
Her eyes sparkled. She nodded slowly, standing and taking my plate nonchalantly to the sink. I stood up. “Taeyeon? Want to watch a movie with us?” Sunny asked. “Ah... no I’m actually pretty tired. I should get some rest, I have a long day tomorrow.” I said unconvincingly. She hugged me and told me to be safe. The others followed suit one at a time. It’s these kind of moments that make me realize how firmly we’ve bonded to one another. There’s so much love in this house… I always wonder if other bands are as close to one another as we are. “Knock ‘em dead, kid.” Yuri said, patting me on the head. “I’ll try.” I smirked up at her as Sooyoung put her arms around me. “Call me if you need any Japanese pointers.” She said. “Yeah, I probably will.” I laughed, patting Sooyoung’s elbow. Jessica’s hug made me rock back on my heels to keep balance. I saw Tiffany watching me over her shoulder. “Stay healthy.” Jessica whispered. “Return safely.” I nodded awkwardly when she let go and continued to watch me. This is what we call the Sica effect personified. Her eyes pierced me like this was some sort of over the top Kdrama. I was only going overseas for a few days, she made it out to seem like I was going to the front lines of a dangerous
war. Tiffany saved me from this, walking with an amused face towards Jessica and offering me her hand. I took it and nodded once more to Jessica, before saying goodnight to everyone and following Tiffany down the hall. “What’s with her?” She asked, closing the door. “Isn’t that normal Sica behavior?” I smirked. “… I think she must be getting worse.” Tiffany said, skeptically. I crossed the room to my suitcase and stuck my hand into my pocket. “I guess we should see if our lock works, huh?” Tiffany asked. I froze in place. How did she know what I was doing? Did she see me going through her stuff? I felt mortified and didn’t know what to say. I had both necklaces clutched in my hand inside my pocket and was ready to pull them out and confess when I heard a loud click. I looked up at the door to see Tiffany had just pushed our deadbolt into a secure position. She smiled at me. “Oh.” I relaxed, grinning and quickly putting the necklaces into my bag. “Yeah, I didn’t notice that…” “You wanted to be alone with me so you better not just ignore me and pack.” She said sternly, falling into the bed.
“I think… I’m pretty much done.” I said, putting my knee up on the bed beside her and looking once more towards my stuff. She had a hold of my arm and I felt her trying to pull me down. I kept my balance as long as I could but I ended up landing on top of her. She beamed at me the entire time I was trying to adjust myself into a more comfortable position without hurting her. My legs slid to rest on either side of her hips and I propped myself up with my hands on her stomach. “Wait.” She said, grabbing her cell phone off the night stand. I watched her expectantly as she pushed buttons. “Pose for me.” She said, pointing it up at my face. “Seriously?” I smirked. “Yes. I want something to look at while you’re gone.” She said. I looked into the camera and bit my lip, thinking of what she’d want me to do. The flash startled me. “Aish, really?” I whined. The moment she saw the picture she dropped her phone onto her chest and started clapping loudly in a silent fit of laughter. I picked up the phone and saw myself in what might have been the worst picture I’ve ever taken in my life. One of my eyes was closed. The other was staring widely directly into the camera. My mouth was completely warped
and sidewise, partially open in shock. “Omo, delete.” I said, starting to push buttons. She snatched the phone from me before I could. “No!” She said. “I want that.” “That’s terrible.” I said indignantly. “I won’t show it to anyone.” She pouted. “Take a nice one now.” I rubbed my eyes in attempt to rid the pink dots from flashing in front of my vision and flattened my hair before I stared back into the camera. I tried my hardest to stare at it as if I was looking into her eyes. The smile naturally came to my lips as I thought about how deep they were; how easy it is to get lost in her eyes. The only eyes I’ve ever seen that could speak volumes to me. The flash didn’t affect me this time. Her face softened at the picture. “That was really good, Tae…” She said, holding the camera back up to me. I closed my eyes and puckered my lips longingly at the camera. When I heard her camera click I slid off to lie next to her, watching her cycle through the pictures on her phone, most of which were of us together… “Let’s make a movie.” I said, pointing at the option on her screen. “Good idea.” She said, biting her lip, pushing the button and holding it above
to capture us both. I stared into the side of her face as if I was trying to memorize it and said nothing. She was concentrating on holding the shot steady. “Aren’t you going to look in the camera?” She asked. “I don’t want to.” I groaned in protest, leaning in and kissing her cheek, leaving my lips to linger there. … “Tae, you’ll be safe for me, right?” She whispered. “Yes.” I whispered back in between the light kisses I was leaving on her face. “And you’ll come home to me?” “I promise.” I said, opening my eyes and bringing my arm across her chest to cradle her face in my hand. … “Then I will wait patiently.” She nodded slightly. I became memorized running my thumb over her lips and watching the supple texture change just from my touch. The way they bent to any object they came into contact with them and went immediately back to being full and perfect, like elastic, was so fascinating. I pursed my lips together hoping
that mine were this soft for her. When I looked back up at her I found her taking in my expression. Her eyes were painted in every shade of contentment before she kissed me. I let my eyes shut and lost myself in the action. Her lips were silk against mine, and I gripped the arm she was using to hold up the camera to feel anchored when I felt her tongue run across my bottom lip. When we really get lost in the moment like this… the laws of nature don’t apply anymore. If I wasn’t holding onto her I felt that I could very well float off of the planet into space. It’s such a simple action; kissing. The definition doesn’t do it justice. The act of pressing lips together doesn’t nearly encompass every emotion that stirs within me when Tiffany kisses me. Even to this day, as long as we’ve been together, she can still give me an epiphany without uttering a single word. Her phone beeped loudly and we broke apart reluctantly. “End of the recording.” She said, taking a deep breath and eyeing it before setting it on the nightstand. “I have to remember to leave that memory card at home from now on.” “Oh yes.” I said, smiling. “We don’t need that getting out.” “You know, Tae…” She said, turning out the light before facing me and taking me in her arms again, “I think you’re getting more confident.”
“Really?” I asked, yanking the comforter up to cover us. The curtains were still pulled shut and the room was pitch black, all I could do was talk towards the sound of her voice. “Yes.” She said, pulling me back on top of her. “You don’t really get nervous… being intimate with me anymore.” I could see where this was going. “Well, we’ve only really been intimate once.” I corrected her. “I know… but the little things.” She was running her hands up the back of my shirt and tracing lines on my bare back. I swooned at her touch and in my moment of weakness my hearing became heighted. I could still hear the girls in the living room. I could hear others walking around other parts of the dorm, the floorboards shifting underneath their weight. A loud movie was playing somewhere… “Fany-ah…” I breathed, pushing myself up as if I could look at her. This only made it easier for her to pull my shirt over my head. “Everyone is home.” “Taeyeon-ah…” Her voice cracked in desperation. “Four. Days…” I sighed heavily. The weight in the bed shifted and her face was at my neck. “Please.” She begged. “I’ll... be quiet.” My mouth dropped open at her promise.
I was taken back to the afternoon of Christmas; to the freedom and beauty she showed me that day. I could feel her teeth tracing the main artery in my neck gently, causing my eyes to roll. Then I remembered her saying she liked someone to take charge... 'initiative'. I wondered if I was disappointing in that aspect. Too safe, boring? “Fany.“ I murmured. “Mmm.” Her husky voice shot through me, swelling in my stomach and moving south. I was... powerless. “… A-alright.” -------------------------------------------I couldn’t remember ever feeling so… well rested. Even though I didn't get much sleep in I felt completely refreshed. Every muscle in my body felt relaxed and getting out of bed wasn't hard. I got a jump start on everything I needed to do before I left and I had everything ready five minutes before I had to go. It was so wonderful to be ahead of schedule for once. I knelt beside the bed where Tiffany was still knocked out. Her mouth was hanging open when I pushed aside her hair that was obscuring almost all of her face. She came alive at the action blinking a few times before focusing on my face. Her porcelain shoulder was exposed when she sat up to frown at
me. “Noooo…” She whimpered. “You promised.” I whispered. “I said I’d be good when you were gone, you’re still here!” She flung her arms around my neck. “It’ll be okay.” I said hugging her tight. “I’ll return to you quickly.” “Be safe…” She said, moving to get out of the bed. “No, go back to sleep, I’m just going to leave.” I kissed her. “Get some rest.” She frowned deeper at me. “I love you.” I said, picking up my bag and passport. “I’ll call you.” “I love you, too, and you better.” She pointed at me before letting her head hit the pillow again. By the time I closed the door, I already missed her. I walked heavy footed into the living area and was surprised to find Jessica in the kitchen. “What are you doing up so early?” I asked her, setting my bag down beside the door. “Just… making toast.” She said dully.
“Ah.” I said. “Would you like a piece?” She asked, turning to me and showing me some spectacularly burnt toast. How does someone mess up toast that badly? “Oh... ah no. I’ll probably eat at the airport. I’m just waiting for Thomas to get here.” I said. “Okay.” She said. I watched her as she stared down at it glumly. For a second, I thought she wasn’t going to eat it. She picked a piece up and took a bite, making a face at its taste and setting the plate on the counter. She stood there lifelessly and glared at it. I started thinking that Tiffany was definitely right about her. There was something seriously off about her behavior but all it did was make things extremely awkward. I wanted to say something nice to her or comfort her somehow but she was being completely unapproachable. I was very thankful when Yuri came into the kitchen. “What did you do to that poor defenseless bread?” She asked, pointing at the plate. I shook my head.
Wrong thing to say, Yuri. Jessica’s head dropped and Yuri quickly put an arm around her. “It’s okay.” She said, reaching around her to take a piece of the charred toast and taking a bite. “Y-Yuri, don’t, that’s gross.” Jessica said, looking at her astonished. Yuri swallowed slowly and looked down at her. “It’s not bad.” She said, obviously lying through her teeth. “You’d… eat my toast?” Jessica asked, as if it were a much more important question than it actually was. The kitchen was turning into a Kdrama again. “Of course. Would you like me to make you toast? Maybe with a little less charcoal?” Yuri laughed. Jessica beamed up at her. The door came open and Thomas picked up my bags. I haven’t been this thankful to be removed from an awkward situation in a long time. I stood up and took my passport once more when I was hugged tightly from behind. “I love you.” She said urgently in my ear. I turned around and hugged Tiffany. “I love you, too. I’ll be back in no time.”
“I know… just… I love you.”
She hugged me tighter. Urgently...
"Let's go." I heard Thomas say from the hallway.
"Here." she said, pulling away and handing me the biggest pod of our peapod collection. I stared at her incredulously.
"Carry-on." She grinned.
.. signals over the air ..
In my mind, I was playing a spectacular drum solo on my knees as they bounced anxiously and the cityscape passed us by. I wanted the van to go faster. Surely, the drive from the airport to the dorms must have elongated since I’d been gone. Apparently in my distraction, I’d gotten carried away and captured Thomas’s attention from the front seat. He turned around to look at me with raised eyebrows, I smiled sheepishly in response. “You’re going right back to Japan tomorrow, I don’t see the point in you even coming home.” He smirked. “There’s a very big point.” I nodded, my knees still jittering out of control.
I saw him smile as he turned back to face forward again, knowing he understood my plight. I pulled out my phone to occupy my hands in a less obnoxious way and scrolled through all the pictures Tiffany had taken for me. My favorites in particular were the ones in which she was lying in our bed with so much longing in her eyes, her hair fanned out perfectly across our pillow. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to be hot for me but she came off pretty sexy whether or it was intentional or not. Her soft lips... her loving eyes... they made me weak even to look at. My four day vacation from others had gone by quicker than I had expected, all things considered, but I was still ready to jump out of the car to run home when we got stuck in traffic. I compared the wait to being shoved into a cage and having ice cream dangled in front of me just out of reach. I missed her so much it hurt. I practically clawed the door of the van open when we parked and jogged inside the building, teetering slightly from the weight of my luggage. I grinned at myself in the reflection of the elevator doors as I looked something similar to a child that was anticipating a visit from Santa Claus. I walked the last few steps and found the door, as I expected, unlocked. When I opened the door I found Seohyun standing at the sink. She smiled hugely when we met eyes and I walked into her arms happily. “Unnie, welcome home!” She said, hugging me tightly. “Thank you.” I said. “Are you well?” “Yes.” She nodded and patted me on the shoulder.
“Good, good.” I said over my shoulder as I entered my room. It was empty. Besides it being ten times cleaner than it was before I left, it was absolutely untouched. I set my bag down and frowned to myself as I turned back to look for her in other parts of the house. “Taeyeonie!” Yuri said coming from behind me and putting arm around me. “Hey.” I smiled up at her. “When did you get home?” She asked, walking me down the hall. “I just walked in the door.” I said, looking around for the others. “Ah. I don’t think Fany’s home yet.” She mused “…Is she out?” I asked, disappointed. “Yeah, she and Sooyoung went for lunch, I think. They shouldn’t be long.” She said, pushing open Sunny and Jessica’s door. “Look what I found.” Yuri grinned down at me. “Oh my darling!” Sunny yelped in a high pitched, over the top, aegyo induced burst. She jumped out of bed and into my arms, forcing me to lean against the door to stay upright. “Ogenki desu ka?” She asked.
“Yeah, yeah…” I chuckled, hugging her back. I’d heard enough Japanese in the last few days. “Was your concert a success, Taeyeon-ah?” Jessica asked, laying the magazine she was reading open on her lap. “I think so.” I smiled. Yuri sat on the edge of Sunny’s bed and I moved to sit next to Jessica. “You got really good reviews.” Jessica smiled. “Did I?” I asked. She nodded. “It was on the internet. We listened to you sing as well, it was beautiful. You got emotional?” “I…” I was very pleased with my performance, though I did let my emotions get the better of me. When I was standing on stage by myself, I came to the realization that the lyrics of the song and the person I was thinking of while I was singing them coincided almost exactly. It was the first time I ever sang a love song like that and felt truly qualified to convey such a message. It was so much more powerful to have someone in your heart to sing it to. “It’s okay.” Jessica said, putting her head on my shoulder before I could form a response. “We all know you missed us.”
I smirked at her misdirection, unsure whether it was intentional or not. “I did. I missed you all.” I said. “How are things around here?” “Oh, we completely fell apart without you.” Sunny quipped. “Seohyun has been blackout drunk since you left.” “Unnie!” Seohyun said indignantly with a gaping mouth from the doorway. I laughed. “Eesh! It’s just a joke!” Sunny yelled as Seohyun walked away. “No, to be honest, it was kind of boring.” “It couldn’t have been as boring as being all alone in a foreign country.” I argued. “You’re exaggerating. You were just lovesick.” Sunny said. “Mmmhm!” Yuri agreed. “Even if we were all there with you, except for Tiffany, you would have still been miserable.” I silently disagreed. While I wouldn’t have been jumping off the walls joyous at Tiffany’s absence, having the others there would have made a world of difference to me. Human contact, safety in numbers, somebody who speaks the language better than I… “So cute.” Sunny said, gauging my expression as I took Yuri’s accusation entirely more seriously than she obviously intended.
“You make a really good girlfriend, Taeyeon-ah.” Jessica said softly, turning a page in her magazine. I looked up at Sunny quizzically and she smirked at me. “No, she’s right. We were all talking about this earlier.” Sunny said. Yuri nodded stiffly. “You were all talking about how good of a girlfriend I am?” I asked skeptically. “You’re really sweet to her.” Sica muttered. “Yeah, Sica told us all what you did for Christmas.” Sunny beamed at me. “You’re really getting good at this relationship stuff.” “Yeah.” Yuri laughed once without humor. “Maybe you can give me some advice.” “Me too.” Sunny said. “But I got all my advice from you.” I pointed at Sunny, slightly alarmed. “Oh yeah!” Sunny grinned smugly. Jessica sat up and removed her head from my shoulder to set the closed magazine on the floor beside her bed “I’ve been in longer relationships than you two have been together and I’ve
never been treated like a princess like you treat Tiffany.” She said blankly. “Well usually after the first or second month it starts getting boring doesn’t it?” Sunny said sagely, “But those two just seem to get stronger as time goes on.” I felt a little uncomfortable sitting here and listening to them talk about me like this as if I wasn’t there. I wasn’t exactly angry, but I didn’t like how they were analyzing every little aspect of my relationship, though I should expect this by now. They’ve done this since the very beginning… “You just haven’t found the right person.” Yuri said, looking at Jessica. “Fany and Taeyeon have known each other for ages. Of course they’re going to have a stronger bond; that is a huge advantage.” “Yes, but that’s cheating.” Jessica put a finger in the air. “Compatibility is important, too.” I muttered, deciding to remind everyone that I was still there. “Yeah, Maybe ‘uptight Kpop boyband-er’ isn’t the right type for you, Sica.” Sunny smirked. “Fine. So where am I going to find someone that I’ve known for years that I’m completely compatible with?” Jessica glared at Sunny. It was silent for some time. Nobody seemed to have the answer Jessica wanted. I watched Yuri closely, noticing a certain familiar behavior from her. She scratched her head thoughtfully and let her eyes fall to the ground. I was recognizing her awkward acting.
Not to say that she was a bad actress or anything, but I could always recognize it when she wasn’t being completely truthful, or trying to fool someone. I knew she felt she couldn’t look any of us in the eyes and get away with deceit. “Well…” Yuri said slowly. “You can’t pretend like it’ll never happen just because it hasn’t yet, Jeshica. Maybe you should just try to be more aware of your surroundings. Maybe someone you know very well likes you a lot and you don’t know it.” … I didn’t understand why she was acting like this, but behind her I did see Sunny’s eyes light up. She was staring at the back of Yuri’s head. “Fat chance.” Jessica said. Her mouth was a line once more. She stared at her bed expressionless. Jessica was so unreadable to me. It’s strange how wide open Jessica’s eyes were and yet I could gather no information from them. With Tiffany, every single thought and emotion she felt I could easily translate from her facial expressions. Jessica gave me absolutely nothing to work with. I had no way of knowing what was going on through her head. But I did find it odd that she was showing signs of jealousy about my relationship when she never showed any desire to be in one recently. I looked back to Yuri who was still staring at the carpet and back to Sunny who was looking between the two of them suspiciously. I wanted so badly to have Sunny’s amazing thought process.
I felt Jessica’s head land back on my shoulder. “Maybe I’ll just ask Tiffany if I can date Taeyeon, too.” Jessica… joked? Sunny squinted suspiciously. Yuri’s entire body twitched convulsively, her head shot up instantly. “You’d date Taeyeon?” Yuri blinked. “Probably. She knows how to treat a girl. Wouldn’t you?” Jessica asked. And it was like someone had just reached inside my head and screwed in a light bulb that had somehow gotten loose. As soon as the metal made contact with the conductors, I understood it. I felt my face completely freeze over. “I think... you’ve always been oblivious to these things, Taeyeon-ah.” Jessica said softly, her mouth becoming a straight line. “Always?” Always. I mouthed the word silently as that memory hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I been stupid again? Oblivious? Was there some sort of a sign that I was supposed to pick up? Did she really just say… she’d date me? Sunny was staring at me. She pointed covertly at Yuri and then to Jessica.
Then she pointed to Jessica again and then to me. She shook her head awestruck. It was so silent that I could hear myself breathing. I wanted to evacuate the premises. I felt like I definitely shouldn’t be sitting in Jessica’s bed with her head on my shoulder after that little revelation, but I couldn’t move. I was relieved when I felt her head leave my shoulder again. “What?” She asked, laughing once without volume at the idea of us taking her words so seriously. “That’s quite a statement.” My neck could have broken from the shear velocity at which I turned it when I heard her voice. The clouds cleared from my mind immediately and a beautiful light was radiating once again, refracting through the air and casting a hundred different colors in every direction, yet landing directly on Tiffany’s face that I hadn’t seen in so long… But her beautiful face wasn’t looking at me. And the more I stared at it the more I realized it was angry; enraged. I went to her quickly and it wasn’t until I was standing right in front of her that she let her eyes fall to me. She quickly pulled me into a kiss and held me tightly. The kiss was longer and deeper than I would usually allow in front of an audience, but I’d hungered for this moment for so long, and I was so relieved she showed up at just the perfect time, that I allowed it. It was like my knight in shining armor had come to rescue me from this terribly awkward situation.
Only… my knight was a princess. “Fany-ah, I missed you so much.” I said in a small voice when she finally released me. I stared intently into her eyes trying to convey that I held absolutely no approval towards what Jessica just said. I wondered how long Tiffany was standing there; how much she’d heard knowing that the last bit could probably be taken way out of context. “I missed you, too, baby.” She said quietly, patting me on the butt and letting her eyes flicker back to Jessica. Tiffany pulled me beside her and stood partially in front of me defensively; as if she was protecting me. I became alarmed when she took a step towards Jessica and hovered alongside her looking up into the side of her face and holding onto her wrist. Sunny was now alert and on her feet. “So, you want to date Taeyeon?” Tiffany asked evenly. Even if her voice was calm, her face looked dangerous. My heart starting beating faster, it wasn’t often that there was a real base for a confrontation in the dorms. Little fights here and there, nothing compared to how big this one had the capacity to be. While I was a little scared, I also found myself marveling at Tiffany’s intensity. Her protective side was impressive… to say the least. “You like her, huh?” Tiffany asked.
“She didn’t say that.” My mouth dropped open. My face was surely now burning red. “I didn’t say that…” “I know you didn’t. I’m asking a question.” Tiffany took another step forward, ignoring my outburst. I gripped her wrist tighter. “You have to be kidding me.” Jessica said. “I’m not. Answer the question.” Tiffany’s voice was rising. “Tiffany, I wouldn’t try and steal your girlfriend.” “You don’t think I’ve seen how you’ve been acting? The way you look at her?” The argument now moved into English and I struggled to keep up with it as they were shouting so quickly at one another. Yuri was completely lost and watched on warily. Sunny seemed to be following it better than either of us. “You're supposed to be my friend.” Tiffany spat pointing a finger in Jessica’s face. “I would have never expected this from you!” “… I didn’t act on anything, Tiffany, and I wouldn’t have. Not as long as you were together.” Jessica gaped up at her. That was pretty a much a confession to me. I stared at Jessica completely stupefied.
“Were you waiting for us to break up?” “No! Oh my god, all I said is that I wanted someone to treat me like Taeyeon treats you. That’s it! Stop freaking out!” “Fany-ah…” I tugged on her sleeve. She ignored me. “Just admit you’re attracted to her. Just say it.” Tiffany demanded, shrugging. “Why? So you’ll get angrier?” Jessica stood up. Yuri shadowed her silently. “No, I think I have the right to know.” “Taeyeon is… an attractive girl, I think everyone here would agree with that.” Jessica folded her arms. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to try and betray you. I don’t even like… I mean, I date guys.” Tiffany was shaking her head and glaring. I looked behind us to see Sooyoung stuck in mid stride in the hallway anxiously. “Come on.” I said, pulling Tiffany’s arm back. “I know you won’t betray me. I’d never let it happen. She’s mine.” Tiffany said sharply. Sunny stepped in to try and help me ease Tiffany out of the room with me. It took some effort but we finally managed to get her into the hallway. I pulled the door shut behind us.
“Unbelievable.” Tiffany sighed. She walked ahead into the living room alongside Sunny. Sooyoung put her arms around me, using this time to welcome me home. “I don’t think Jessica ever would have made a move on Taeyeon. I think she respects your relationship. She even helped you two get together.” Sunny mused with an arm around Tiffany. “I just think she’s attracted to the idea of Taeyeon, maybe not Taeyeon herself….” “… I still don’t like the way she looks at her.” Tiffany said. “But you trust me, right?” I asked sadly. “I wouldn’t let anything happen either.” Tiffany turned around and stared at me as if she was knocked out of a daydream. “Omo… Tae, I’m so sorry. Come here.” She held her arms out to me. “That was such a bad way to welcome you home.” I felt relieved at her change in temperament and walked into them happily, instantly melting against her. “Of course I trust you. I just don’t trust her anymore.” She crooned into my neck. Trust was an important thing in SNSD, I thought to myself. This would have to be remedied quickly, but for now I just wanted to enjoy being held by her
again. “Give me a few hours.” Sunny said thoughtfully, patting my shoulder. “I have some digging to do.” She returned to her room. “How was your flight?” Tiffany asked me, keeping an arm around me and walking me back to our room. “Uneventful.” I said, still watching her face. She was controlling it very carefully into a more empty expression but I knew better. I would wager that she was still pretty outraged. “Are you okay?” I asked her, crossing the room and leaning against our desk. She came to a halt immediately inside the door and remained deep in thought. “I can’t believe her.” She looked to me with a wounded expression. “Can you?” “No, that was pretty shocking.” I said. Or maybe if I’d have been a bit more observant I could have seen it coming. I didn’t know. I wish I would have known, maybe I could have prevented that entire confrontation. Tiffany sighed heavily and crossed the room to put her arms around me again. I nestled my head into her shoulder and felt warm again. She lifted me slowly to rest me on the edge of the desk and positioned herself standing between my legs.
“You don’t want her, right?” She breathed. “I am right where I want to be.” I looked at her partially amused. I was wondering what she was trying to achieve with this position. “I had to ask.” She frowned. My smile faded when I realized how hard she was taking this. “Remember a few months ago I had a dream similar to this and you thought it was ridiculous? It still is. I only want you.” I said soothingly, feeling terrible that she was taking this so badly. I enjoyed defensive Tiffany, but I’m not sure her outburst was exactly warranted yet. Yes, Jessica made things extremely awkward again but it’s not like she tried to kiss me or anything. She seemed more confused and lonely than anything else, to me at least. “I just feel uneasy. I really hope Sunny’s right.” She hung her head low in front of me, her beautiful face was troubled. I didn’t know what more I could do besides giving her reassurance. I ran my hands along her biceps up to her shoulders and back down again. “Sunny is usually right, and well… Yuri was acting strangely.” I said. “What do you mean?” “Don’t ask me.” I said. “I’m usually the last person to catch on to those
things but I just have this weird feeling that Yuri likes her. Likes her likes her, you know?” Fany’s eyes grew huge. “… And Jessica?” She asked. “I… don’t think she’s caught on yet.” I said. Now she looked doubtful. “Did I overreact? I probably should have gotten more information out of her before I attacked her…” “Maybe.” I smiled. “But I kind of enjoyed you protecting me though. It was uhh… kind of hot.” She smiled for the first time. “I missed you so much.” She chuckled, leaning into my neck. “I missed you too!” I clapped her shoulders. “And... I got you something.” I tried to slide down off the desk as best I could with the little room she gave me. She didn’t budge either. It only made her smile more and hold me closer as I tried to inch around her. She only let go of me when I made my way back to my bag. “You have to close your eyes.” I said, bending down and sifting through my stuff inside of it.
Her hands were on my butt the instant I bent over. I jumped a little and bit my lip trying not to let her distract me,but her hands drifted down my thighs and back up again. It felt nice to be wanted in this way. When she gripped my hips tightly from behind and pulled me back against her, I stood up straight again “What’s gotten into you?” I asked with controlled amusement. “…I was hoping you would.” She laughed. “I would, what?” I asked looking up at her, perplexed. She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes smiling brighter. “Never mind, beautiful.” She said contently pulling me close again. “I missed this butt.” She patted it again. ”Four days is such a long time to go without...” “Really? You can’t use that excuse before I go and after I come back.” I said, reaching around her to pull the chair out from the desk and pushing her to sit in it. “Why not?” She looked up at me, scandalized. “Close your eyes.” I demanded. “Alright, alright.” She said, closing her eyes.
I sat across her lap and reached into the small white gift bag pulling out the new chain. I slid it around her neck and pushed her hair to one side so I could secure the clasp. “Omo, another necklace, Tae? You need to stop buying me stuff, I mean I like jewelry but it’s too pricy and-“ I rolled my eyes. Was money really an issue for either of us? Nope. “This is special.” I said, centering the charm on her chest before pulling out my own necklace I was hiding underneath my shirt. “Ready?” I bit my lip. “Open.” She opened her eyes and looked first into my eyes warily before looking down at her new necklace… “Oh… but mine is…Tae… this is new.” She stammered. “They’re exact replicas.” I said, holding up my new platinum key and tapping her matching lock with it. Her eyes were darting back and forth between our necklaces. She was speechless. “Tae…” “These won’t get damaged.” I smiled. She took the charm out of my hand and started fumbling with her lock. We
both watched with our foreheads resting against one another’s as she slid my key into her lock and she turned it with a click. “Fully functional.” I beamed. Her lock swung open freely before she clicked it shut again between her thumb and forefinger. She left my key hanging out of the bottom and looked up into my eyes in wonder. “This is so special.” She said. “Just like you.” I snorted at my own cheesiness. She blinked and I was staggered when I saw two thick streams of tears run down her cheeks. I gasped and quickly tried to brush them away, only they were reinforced with another wave. “Ah… No, Fany! Why are you crying?” “Tae, nobody’s ever done anything like this for me before. Everything you do, you’re so, so sweet. And I came home after not seeing you for four days and started a fight. I feel so stupid, that was so insecure of me, I don’t know what happened, I just lost it…” “Fany-ah, you’re always sweet to me.” I croaked. This wasn’t going at all as I hoped it would. “Th-Thank you.” She said, sniffing and wiping her face. “This is so beautiful.” I pulled the original damaged lock out of the bag and handed it to her. She
compared them side by side happily before pulling me into a sweet kiss. It was a different kiss than the one she gave me earlier. This one was more familiar to me, it was exclusively mine. Earlier, I think she was kissing me to throw up a force field as if to protect me from a threat she detected, whereas this was actually romance. She broke it softly and continued kissing all over my face. I relished in it, but eventually she sighed and her body slumped once more. “I need to talk to Jessi.” Tiffany pouted, letting her face fall into my chest and speaking against it, almost unintelligibly. “You don’t have to, yet.” I said, running a hand through her hair. “The sooner the better.” She said, looking up at me. I stood up and helped her up as well, walking her to our door. I yelped when I was tugged along with her. She stopped when she felt the pressure around her neck pull her back. My key was still securely within her lock and we got quite a laugh out of it. At least it showed how strong the chains were that I chose. I had to admit I was still very pleased with myself about this gift. “Just hear her out, it was probably a misunderstanding.” I said, when we’d calmed down. “Yeah.” Tiffany said, biting her lip and looking amused. “Tae you have lipstick… all over the place.” She motioned her hand in front of her face, laughing.
“Wonderful.” I grinned. She kissed me once more. “I’ll be back soon.” I watched her walked down the hall and it took me a moment to realize where exactly on her my eyes were focused. Tiffany had on these really amazing tight shorts that displayed every single muscle that she was using while she walked. I eventually turned red and walked into the bathroom. I never thought I’d be that person that watches their significant other’s best assets when they know they won’t be caught doing so, and I had to admit it did feel pretty nice being liberated about my sexuality now. Four days apart made me aware that I did indeed have a sex drive... When I looked into the mirror, I thought it was a miracle Tiffany still had any lipstick remaining on her lips. I turned on the faucet and started washing it off, cupping water in my hands and pouring it onto my face. While I was bent over the sink I heard the other sink beside me turn on. After I wiped myself with a towel, I looked over to see Yuri staring at me. She looked away when we made eye contact. “What?” I asked. “No, it’s nothing.” She said, more to herself than to me. “It’s not a big deal, Yuri.” She continued talking to herself, putting on a foundation while she spoke. She was angry with me and I didn’t want to spend the next half hour trying to get the reasoning out of her.
“Are you going somewhere?” I asked. “Why?” She stopped to look at me again. “Well, you’re putting makeup on-” “I can’t just look nice around the house?” She asked me, clearly affronted. I exhaled slowly and pulled the bathroom door shut. I put the towel on the counter and sat upon it, looking at her. “Go on, what do you have to say to me?” I asked. Yuri took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. I watched her as she searched for words. “You threw Sica under the bus.” She finally said. “Oh really? How did I do that?” “You were being all nice and comforting to her until Tiffany showed up, you left her instantly.” “Well don’t you think that’s an odd thing for her to tell me? That she would date me?” I asked. “She didn’t mean it like that.” Yuri said, fiercely. “She’s… confused. She sees the way you guys are and she wants that for herself.”
“Did she tell you that? Because it sure seems like she pretty much admitted that she liked me-“ “No.” Yuri said, not wanting to hear it. She was so focused on the mirror now that I thought this must be her way of dismissing me. I wasn't going to take her bait, I decided to test her. “Well, I think she likes me.” I said. “You’re wrong!” Yuri said. “Do you know that?” I asked. “…No.” Yuri said with an unmistakable pout on her face. I decided to go to for it. I hopped off the counter and turned towards the mirror without making eye contact with her. I dug through my stuff casually until I found my brush.. “Yuri, do you like Sica?” I asked conversationally. “I-What?” Yuri asked, finally breaking her staring match with herself to look at me. I smiled.
“Sica. You like her.” I stated. Yuri shook her head. “It’s okay, I can tell.” I said. She remained speechless, so I decided to touch up my own makeup for Fany. “You should tell her.” I said. I didn’t think she was going to answer. I could feel her staring at me but I just went about my business. I wasn’t going to force her to do anything one way or another. I just wanted the idea of me figuring her out, me of all people, to sink into her brain a little bit. I wasn't sure if she knew that now that Sunny was onto her, she was pretty much done for. When I was done, I turned for the door. “…I can’t do that.” She said. I turned around slowly to face her and raised my arms. “Yuri… look where it got me.” I said simply. I looked at her meaningfully before went to the living room. I really hoped my triumph would give her some courage. I thought about it deeply and I think even the worst possible consequences wouldn’t outweigh the reward I’ve garnered for my courage. Back then, I
didn't have any idea what I was missing out on but now that I’ve lived this life, I couldn’t imagine living without having this powerful, unconditional companion with me. That one inconsequential night that started out like any other day changed my life forever and I knew I couldn't simply tell Yuri that and expect her to understand it. It was something she'd have to learn for herself. I found Sooyoung and Hyoyeon on the couch in the living room and opted to just lie across them than walk all the way to the other side to take the empty seat. They didn’t really seem to mind. “I took very good care of your woman.” Sooyoung said to me, messing up my hair. “She did.” Hyoyeon agreed. “Was she sad?” I asked. “She did well.” Sooyoung said. “She didn’t have time to be sad.” Hyoyeon said. “Sooyoung wouldn’t leave her alone long enough to think about it.” I grinned. “Yeah, I even slept with her the first night.” Sooyoung grinned. “That only lasted one night though. Your girlfriend is a cuddler, I didn’t get to sleep at
all.” I laughed. “Really? She cuddled up to you?” Hyoyeon asked. “She nearly suffocated me.” Sooyoung said. “She was asleep when she did it so I guess she thought I was Taeyeon.” Sooyoung looked at me. “I don’t know how you do it.” “It’s nice.” I smiled. Hyoyeon picked up my legs and got up, walking into the kitchen. Sooyoung moved over and I sat up next to her. “That girl… all she does is talk about you.” Sooyoung said adoringly. I leaned my head upon her shoulder. “Thank you for taking such good care of her.” I said. “Of course.” She said. “I’m happy I got to get closer to her.” I am… so very lucky to have Sooyoung in my life. “So… Jessica huh?” Sooyoung asked warily. “Yeah, I don’t know. Fany’s talking to her.” I said, rubbing my eyes. She nodded slowly. “I didn’t see that coming.”
I was glad I wasn’t the only one. Yuri came out then and sat beside me silently. Her makeup was perfect. She leaned her head on my shoulder and I looked down at her. She was breathtakingly beautiful, but unmistakably miserable at the same time. I used my hand to force her facial muscles into a smile. Tiffany came walking into the room and smiled at me. “How’d it go?” I asked, getting up and crossing the room to her. “We’re good.” She said, rubbing my shoulder. “You should go talk to her.” “Me?” I asked, surprised, thinking I was the last person she’d want alone with Jessica. She nodded, smiling reassuringly and pushing me. “She’s worried about you being mad at her.” “Right.” I said, scratching my head as I approached Jessica’s door warily. I knocked once on her door and pushed it open. She was still sitting on the same spot of her bed where I’d last left her, only known her eyes were red, a little puffy. She smiled at me apprehensively when she saw me. “Hey.” I said, biting my lip and closing the door behind me.
She took a deep breath. “Hi.” She said. I sat awkwardly on the end of her bed. “Are you alright, now?” I asked her. She nodded. I nodded too. We were both looking in different directions. I think this is the first time in my life when I’ve been at the center of a… love triangle or whatever you would call this. It was like walking a fine line and I knew I had to choose all of my words very carefully. “I’m sorry…” She said softly. “Are you mad?” “No…” I said. “Just a little confused.” “I guess I was, too. I didn’t mean to hurt either of you.” She said. “No harm done.” I patted her foot. She stared at me deeply. Her eyes were still moist and I could see traces of mascara encircling them. “You guys are so lucky to have each other.” She said. “Come here.” I said, patting beside me. She scooted closer to me and I put an arm around her.
“You aren’t alone, we’re all together. We all have each other. I’m always here for you, Fany too” I said, using my thumb to clean the makeup off of her eyelids. “We’re a team.” She laughed out of what seemed like relief. “It’s… silly isn’t it?” “A little.” I grinned. “But I know what it feels like. If that’s how you felt about me then I guess it wasn’t silly to you.” “I don’t know what I was feeling.” She sighed. “I guess I’m attracted to you but I don’t know how… I mean… I’ve never liked a girl before.” Jessica said, looking distant. “How do you know if that’s right for you?” “I still don’t know.” I smirked. “Just… take on a person by person basis. It makes things less complicated. But I'm sorry Sica, I'm not the one for you.” “I know.” She nodded fervently, "And I would have never tried to come between you." “There's someone out there for you." I said. Yeah, out in the living room. It wasn't my place to say... "… Keep your eyes open.” I said, puffing out my cheeks. “You never know where you might fall in love.” “Yeah.” She smirked. “I’ll try.”
“I mean it.” I said, looking at her seriously. She nodded vaguely. I wondered if Sunny already had words with her about Yuri or not… “Let’s join the others.” I said taking her hand and leading her out into the busy living room. I found Tiffany in the kitchen preparing dinner. I walked up behind her and rested my head on her shoulder. “Everything good?” She asked. “Yeah, I think so.” I said. We both watched Yuri staring intently at Jessica. She unfolded her legs when Jessica came to stand in front of her, as if inviting her to sit on her lap since the couch was full. It was actually quite cute being on the other side of this and getting to watch the possibility of a relationship blooming. Sica sadly still looked oblivious to Yuri though, instead conversing with the others animatedly. “Yulsic, huh?” Sunny asked, leaning in close to us. “I hope so.” Tiffany said. “Give them some time.” Sunny said optimistically. She left into the living room and nonchalantly pushed Jessica down to sit on Yuri’s lap.
Yuri looked positively alarmed. Tiffany chuckled. “Sunny should be a matchmaker.” She said softly, cutting into some vegetables. “Mmm.” I grunted, noticing we were the only two left in the kitchen. I let my hands fall to Tiffany’s backside as it was shielded from the others view behind the counter. Her body stiffened at my touch as I felt every curve and contour I’d missed so dearly in the last four days. “Tae…” She whispered. I grinned, using my hips to push her hard against the counter. She looked over her shoulder and rose an eyebrow at me. Very deliberately, she dropped the knife she was holding onto the kitchen floor. She pushed back against my hips to make room and bent over very slowly in front of me to pick it up. I had a perfect view of her amazing S line and her sexy stomach as it came into view under her short shirt. I fought very hard not to let my eyes roll as she straightened back up against me, her back arching spectacularly. She turned around biting her lip and winking at me, using her hand to close my mouth.
“Have some self control, Tae.” She said softly, pecking me gently before walking to the sink. I watched her in amazement as she cleaned the knife. It was like she was taunting me… Given her track record, I hardly felt she had any footing to be saying that to me.
.. in dreams and fantasies ..
“Hello. I’m SNSD’s Kid leader, Taeyeon.” I bowed respectfully before waving. Somebody next to me shoved me when I straightened up. “No, stop it.” I mumbled. “She’s talking again.” Someone chuckled. I barely registered her comment before leaning back into the warmth and dropping out once more. This was the last time we’d get to practice before our debut. I knew it was important. My nerves were getting the best of me.
When the music started, I completely forgot all of the choreography. Not only that, but the lyrics had vanished from my brain as well. Time after time we had to stop and with every failure the girls started looking more and more frustrated with me. I looked at them each apologetically, not knowing what to say. “What’s the problem here?” Thomas asked, crossing his arms. I became absolutely fixated on the glasses that he was wearing. I stared at him disbelieving unable to figure out why in the hell he’d be wearing pink frames. I looked towards the others trying to get a reaction of them or at least make them notice, but they were all just staring at me. The oddest thing was they all looked way younger than me. I could see I was still an adult by the reflection in the mirror, but these girls… they looked as they did the first day I met them. When I looked back to Thomas, there were now rhinestones bedazzling his hot pink glasses. My jaw dropped. “Are you listening to me?” He said, sternly. “Uh. Yeah.” I said, pursing my lips. The serious, usually threatening look on his face made it ten times harder for me not to just burst out laughing. Not to mention, this is probably the funniest thing I’d ever seen, and yet, nobody else is reacting to it. I was completely beside myself staring at him with wide eyes. All I wanted was for someone else to recognize this absurdity. “They’ll have to perform without you if you can’t perform while you’re sick.”
He said. Normally, this would be a gigantic threat to me but I couldn’t even concentrate on his words with those ridiculous glasses on his face! I looked around for Sunny, surely she would at least be rolling around on the floor in hysterics over this. But Sunny was glaring at me with the rest of them, her long brown hair pulled into pigtails. I blinked and laughed once at the girls, trying with my eyes to get them to look at him but they wouldn’t. I finally looked back at Thomas one more time. He was now wearing a matching hairclip and a frilly sash around his neck. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around and doubled over, snorting loudly. “Taeyeon-!” He yelled at my back. “No... Sorry, I need a moment.” I said in a shaky voice, walking to the door. I grinned all the way there, when my hand landed on the knob I felt dizzy, light headed, as though someone had just shook me. I thought maybe I wasn’t drinking enough water; I must be dehydrated. I pushed the door open and stepped down a few steps onto the dance floor. It was crowded in the club and I had to push my way through people to get to the other side. My eyes were dazzled with red and blue lights spinning in
circles, silhouetting those that stood in my way. I found adult Hyoyeon waiting for me at the bar and took the seat next to her. Her mouth moved but I couldn’t hear what she said over the music. “What?!” I tried yelling over the blaring background noise. She pushed a drink in front of me and glared at me. “You’re late!” She shouted. Odd, how when she did that the atmosphere seemed to fade around us. I looked out into the crowd and could still people dancing fiercely but I could no longer hear the music. It was as if somebody just hit the mute button on a remote control. “Err, sorry.” I apologized, sipping from my drink. “You look like hell, Taeyeon.” She said, bluntly. I narrowed my eyes. “How could you get sick right before we’re supposed to go back to America?” She asked, as if it was my fault. “I… we’re going back to America?” I asked stupidly. “You didn’t hear? We’ve got a show in L.A.” She said, flicking my forehead
with her finger. “Oh.” I said. For some reason this news didn’t faze me at all. “You need to work on your English.” She poked me in the chest. “I will.” I said. “I hear you’re the favorite in America.” She finished her own drink and ordered another one. “Am I?” I asked. Hyoyeon smiled wickedly. I knew right before she hit me with the punch line that I’d walked into a trap. “Oh yes.” She said, “It seems the American females just can’t resist you.” I shook my head. Too soon, Hyoyeon, way too soon. “But you’re going to have to do something about those dark circles around your eyes.” She said, appraising me. “I just need rest.” I said. “You need to get yourself checked out.” She said, threateningly. “I’m serious, punk.” “Alright, fine.” I sighed, standing up and pushing myself away from the bar.
I walked around the bar to the other side and opened up the door where a backroom would usually be. Instead, I could a see a nurse leaning against a desk filling out paperwork. I blinked. This room looked like a perfectly legit doctor’s office. I turned around to look behind me and saw the silent club goers were still dancing to… nothing. I awkwardly pulled the door shut behind me and the nurse turned around at the sound. Words failed me. Before me stood the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Her wide brown eyes surveyed me warily while I gawked at her. It surprised me that nurses today still wore the old fashioned white short skirt getup complete with the hat. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun and her bangs fell just above her heart stopping eyes. I swallowed. “… Do you need help?” She asked me. “I’m uh. I think I’m sick.” I stammered. “Lay down.” She patted the hospital bed and searched in the drawer for something. I crawled onto the surprisingly comfortable mattress and watched her, racking my brain for something cool to say. “H-Have we met?” I asked stupidly as she turned around. She was holding a thermometer and looked at me slightly startled. She didn’t say anything.
“I’m SNSD’s Taeyeon.” I introduced myself. The corner of her mouth curled, but she remained silent. “… Please take good care of me.” I finished lamely. “I… don’t think I’ve ever met any SNSD members, but yes I know who you are. I support you- Um, your group” She smiled. Her eyes became beautiful, perfectly arched lines. It was contagious, it made me smile involuntarily. How could anybody be so pretty? This should be illegal. If she took my vitals now she’d think I was having a heart attack. “I’m Nurse Hwang.” She said, “Say ah.” I opened my mouth and allowed her to slide the thermometer under my tongue. I stared up into her face dreamily as we shared the silence. When it beeped, she removed it and read the number. She then put her cool hand against my forehead. I fought to keep my eyes open. “You’re hot.” She said softly. I looked up at her hopefully. “I am?” “You definitely have a temperature.” She said, marking something on her chart. “Oh…” I said, deflating. “Hold still.” She said, running her fingertips along the sides of my neck. She hovered closed to me and I realized I was eye level with her chest. Her cleavage became the focal point of my attention. My face stretched into a vast smile.
The nurse bent beside me and pressed her lips to my neck. It was like an electric current ran through my body, it felt like she was kissing me. I thought to myself that this must be some new method in medicine, as unlikely as that was. It seemed very unprofessional but I enjoyed it nonetheless. “Why is she grinning like that?” “I… don’t have a clue.” I ignored the faint voices I heard; there were much more important things at hand right now. “It doesn’t seem like you have an infection.” She murmured, not seeming to notice where my attention was. She showed no sign that her behavior was odd. “It’s probably just a cold.” “Okay.” I said, adamantly forcing myself to stare into her face. The room shook slightly again and I looked around. “Just a small tremor.” The nurse said, completely disregarding this as if it were nothing. “If it gets any worse, come back and see me.” Nurse Hwang said, standing up and moving to the counter to fill in more of her chart. “For now, I recommend breast rest.” “…Breast rest?” I choked. Could I have heard her right?
She turned around looking surprised, her eyes were wide. “Bed sex.” She said slowly. I blinked. “W-what!?” I said, shaking my head slightly. I didn’t dare repeat that one. “… Bed rest.” She said again. She looked at me uncertainly and took out a small flashlight from her breast pocket, flicking it on and pushing my head back gently to flash it into my eyes one at a time. I blinked away the after effects when she was done. “Okay… Bed rest.” I nodded. “In fact, you better take my number just in case.” She sounded a little worried and handed me a business card. “If your symptoms get any worse just call, okay?” I nodded and a smile came to my lips. “What if I need somebody to go out to dinner with me?” I asked, coyly. “Can I call you, then?” She smiled again but diverted her eyes from me. “I’m not sure that would be appropriate.” She said.
“Ah… but what if I get better and I don’t have to call you.” I said, smartly, looking down at my feet hanging off the edge of the bed. I fixed my mouth on one side of my face and pouted a little. “Then I’d never see you again.” She half smiled at me and held up her left hand apologetically, “You’re cute but, I don’t think my fiancé would appreciate that.” My face fell and I examined the ring on her finger. It wasn’t nearly extravagant enough. If it were me I would have bought her a way larger ring. In fact, the worth of this ring left me angry. Was this fiancé of hers barely able to provide for her and keep her happy? What an outrage. She can do better… “Oh…” My chin became solid. “Fiancé?” “Don’t look so sad.” She smirked, sitting beside me. “You’re SNSD’s Taeyeon, can’t you get anyone you want?” Obviously not. I felt actually wounded and I stared up into her face, as if I could will her away from wanting to marry this other person after just meeting me. “You know, I wanted to be a singer, once.” She said thoughtfully. “You should have pursued it!” I exclaimed. “I tried out when I was younger but I didn’t pass my audition.” She shrugged, glancing at her watch. “But I’ve got to go I’ve got an appointment.”
“Tipani, wait!” I stood up. “Ah… I think you’re confused.” She said slowly, “My name is Stephanie.” I squinted at her. Something clicked in my brain. “…What?” “Um… Listen I think you better stay here. I’m going to go get a doctor. You’re not thinking clearly.” She pulled the curtains around my bed and left. I sat there dumbfounded. Don’t let her go. “Tipa-… err… Step-“ I pulled the curtains aside and found myself in the isle of a first class commercial flight. Every passenger within earshot turned around to look at me. I glanced down at the business card in my hand. It said, “The one”. There was no phone number on it. My fight died in my chest. I walked up the isle sadly and found my seat next to Seohyun. “Are you okay, Unnie? You don’t look so good.” She said. I looked at her, relieved to see she was acting normally. “I just met… the most the beautiful girl in the world.” I said sadly.
She put a supportive arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder. “Why does that make you sad?” Seohyun asked. “Because I can’t have her.” I frowned. It hurt more to say it out loud. “Life is full of obstacles. If you don’t even try to overcome them you’ll never know what you’re missing out on.” Her voice changed completely. I looked at her and found my mother holding me instead of Seohyun. “…Umma.” My voice cracked. She ran a hand through my hair and appraised me happily. It hit me so hard how much I missed her at that moment. “Even the most daunting of road blocks can be crossed, my love.” She said. “You must persist and you must follow the path that you believe in.” I gazed into her loving eyes, as if I couldn’t stare at them long enough, like the world would end before I would get my fill. The plane started shaking. “Turbulence.” She said thoughtfully. The lights above us came up signaling the use of seatbelts and she reached across me to put mine on for me. Her elbow knocked into me…
And I opened one eye. I found myself staring down the nurse’s shirt again. I was resting on her shoulder and she seemed to be shaking with laughter. I grinned widely. “…Breast rest.” I muttered incoherently. “…What did you say, Tae?” I blinked a few more times and lifted my head to look around. Sunny was hanging over the seat in front of us backwards laughing so hard she made no sound at all. All I could hear was the silent the hum of the jet and when I looked around I found it was only us there; Our private jet, not a commercial airliner. “You… are amazing.” Tiffany chuckled beside me. “That must have been a seriously epic dream.” I stared at her with my mouth hanging open, reaching up to touch my face. “Yah, why did you take my mask off, Fany, you’re going to get sick.” I said groggily. “I wanted you to get some decent rest. Here.” She handed it back to me and I pulled it over my face. “And I don’t care if I get sick.” “I do.” I said with narrowed eyes.
“Breast rest?!” Sunny’s question came out in a squeak when she regained her voice. I kicked her seat, not knowing what she was talking about. I felt so disoriented. “Be nice.” Tiffany scolded Sunny. “Yah! Go away.” She waved her arm. Eventually, Sunny turned around in her seat and disappeared. I sniffed loudly through my stuffy nose. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?” “I really don’t remember.” I said, staring straight ahead. I was just picking up bits and pieces here and there of what I just experienced. I actually felt more tired now than I was before I fell asleep. “You were really cute.” Tiffany said softly. “You smiled a lot.” “In my sleep? Did I talk?” I looked at her. “Yeah.” She grinned broadly. “You introduced yourself a few times and then you mentioned something about a fiancé.” I sighed, knowing with every passing second the dream faded from me further. She touched my forehead with the back of her hand. “Oh, I think you’re cooling off.” She said.
“That’s good.” I said unenthusiastically. My entire body was pretty much aching. Every muscle in my face protested when I moved it, my eyes especially. I tried to just keep them focused on Tiffany’s face, I didn’t need to see anything else. “Do you think you’ll be okay for the show?” She asked. “Yep.” I said. Through experience, I became very good at performing convincingly, whether I was ill, injured, tired… it didn’t matter. I could always get the job done. “Get some more rest.” She encouraged. “How long until we land?” I asked. She glanced at the time. “Not long.” She said, pulling out a water bottle for me. “Thanks.” I said. I pulled down my mask to my chin and I took it from her, sipping it. “My poor baby.” She crooned, playing with my hair. I looked sideways at her. An interesting fact about Tiffany: She becomes surprisingly maternal when you get sick. While I screwed the lid back on she stole a kiss from me before I could pull my mask back up. I glared at her.
“If you get sick because of me I’m going to feel terrible.” I growled. “If I get sick because of you then you can just take care of me.” She smiled. “We’ll call it even.” I used my hands to push myself out of the slump I was in to look. Most of the others seemed to be sleeping apart from Sunny and Sooyoung who were in front of us. “Want to see something adorable?” Tiffany asked me, leaning forward and turning around. She pointed to the seats behind us. I slowly poked my head over the top of my seats and found Yuri and Jessica asleep. Jessica’s head was on Yuri’s shoulder and Yuri’s tongue was stuck out, caught between her teeth. It looked like they’d just collapsed onto one another. I smiled. “Are they…?” I pointed. “Dating? I don’t think so.” Tiffany shook her head. Jessica didn’t seem to have any adverse reaction to Yuri’s now constant appearance wherever she was, but nonetheless, I did notice a drop in her weirdness level since we’d straightened things out. The GDA awards were actually pretty funny behind the scenes. Jessica had Yuri on a leash the entire time and didn’t even realize it. I asked Sunny earlier if she did anything to push Yuri in the right direction but apparently Yuri told her off for offering. She wanted to do it by herself,
but she really seemed more hopeless than I did at the beginning. It took most of the fun out of it for the rest of us but it looked like she did something right today, at least. Watching Yuri approach someone she had a crush on made me feel substantially braver. “Aish. I don’t understand what she’s waiting for.” I said, falling back into my seat. “I think it’s cute.” Tiffany said. “Cute? She’s a coward.” I said. “So were you.” I bit my tongue and stared straight ahead. I did not appreciate that comparison. “And she doesn’t have Jessica pursuing her… would you have said anything to me if I didn’t show any interest in you?” She asked. “No, probably not.” I conceded. That was a very good point. She pulled a blanket over us and slumped back into her chair like I was. We enjoyed the silence together for some time. I was happy we reached this point, where we could just be quiet together and not feel awkward about it. Shared comfortable silence with the love of my life, it was beautiful. I was still racking my brain about the stupid dream I had but it almost
completely escaped me now. .. “Fany-ah?” I murmured. “Mm?” “I miss my mother.” I said, voicing something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. It was quiet again for some time. I knew this was hard for her to hear, and I knew she probably blamed herself for the rift between me and my family now. I didn’t want to tell her this but what she said that night was right; It is our problem. I can depend on her and I don’t have to do things alone anymore. I tried to deal with this on my own but I needed her help, I didn’t know what to do. This was the longest I’ve gone without a single word from my mother in my entire life. “You should call her.” Tiffany said softly. “Yeah.” I nodded. While I liked the idea of getting it over with, I dreaded it at the same time. Would she even take my call? ----------------------------------------------------------
I would call the hotel we stayed at in China merely average, which was okay for such a short trip. To be fair, I didn't really see much of it... I dropped my bags just inside the first bedroom I found and fell face first onto the bed. I had absolutely no objection to falling asleep just like this… fully clothed with my feet hanging off the end of the bed, shoes on. The cool, comfortable mattress cushioned my throbbing head perfectly. I heard another bag land on the floor behind me, the zipper immediately pulled bag. I opened an eye and saw Tiffany’s torso standing beside the bed. She set a water bottle down on the bed beside me in order to fish a few pills out of a plastic bag she was holding. “You can take more of these now.” She said. “Mmph.” Was all I felt like saying in response. She began pulling on my arm and gave a very unsatisfied sound, but allowed her to roll me onto my side. While I took the painkillers, she felt my forehead again. She looked concerned. “I’m fine.” I said, pulling my mask back up. She stood on the bed and took my arms, pulling me up to the pillows. I grinned up at her effort. “Sleep it off, baby.” She said, hopping off the bed. She started taking my shoes off for me and I just couldn’t stop smiling. What a difference it was to now have somebody to take care of me if I’m
sick. It reminded me of being a child again, in a good way. I rolled back onto my stomach and when my feet were bare I felt Tiffany lie next to me. I felt myself slip in and out of consciousness several times over an undeterminable stretch of time. Tiffany seemed happy to lay there beside me just rubbing my shoulders and back the entire time. The one thing I noticed was that every time I revisited the conscious world my body was aching less; the pills were kicking in. “Tae…” “Mmm?” “Dinner’s going to be here soon. I got you soup.” She said softly, her hand in my hair. “Mm.. Thank you.” I said, now realizing I was hungry. I opened my eyes and inhaled deeply, stretching my hands above my head. “You should call your mom tonight, too.” She said softly. I whimpered and sat up, rubbing my eyes. One reason I told Tiffany about my desire to call home was that I knew she would push me into actually doing it. In my head, I’d already planned to call my mom several times, phone in hand, and it never happened. She handed me my phone and I started scrolling through my contacts. Tiffany made to get up but I held her there by her wrist. There was no way I
was doing this alone. “Stay.” I said, looking at her. She nodded. I put the phone to my ear and listened to it ringing. In the back of my mind, I thought I knew for a fact that my mom wouldn’t answer my call. It startled me that she picked up on the second ring. “Yeoboseyo?” I gasped in surprise, she asked again. “Yeoboseyo?” “Yeoboseyo, Umma it’s me, your eldest daughter.” I said, staggered. She didn’t say anything, so I trudged on nervously. “I’m in Hong Kong and I thought I’d call… I m- I was thinking about you.” I said, blurring words together in my haste. I wasn’t good at having the heart to heart conversations with my family. The fact that I was initiating one should tip her off that I was pretty upset about the void between us. I heard her take a deep breath and my face fell. Tiffany rubbed my hand. “…Are you well?” She asked.
“I’m fine. I’ve got a cold but aside from that I’m good. We have a concert tomorrow.” I said. “You’re sick? Yes, you sound sick. I hope you’re resting well.” She said. “I am.” I said, “I slept most of the day.” “That’s good…” She said. “How are you?” I asked. “Alright.” She said. “I just did some shopping…” I sighed. We weren’t really getting to the issue at hand. I looked up into Tiffany’s face while I vaguely listened to my mother’s day in my ear. Tiffany smiled at me, apparently happy that we were at least talking. Admittedly, this was a good first step. “Umma... I miss you.” I said softly when she stopped talking. “… Taeyeon.” She sighed hugely. I closed my eyes. Tiffany rubbed my shoulder supportively. “Of course I miss you too, but I’m so confused.” She said finally. “I don’t expect you to understand what this is. I’m still figuring it out myself. ” I said, just happy to have heard her say she missed me. “Umma, when I get some time off can I come home? I would be easier to talk about this face to face.”
“Yes.” She said. “It’s your home… so you’re always welcome here.” I smiled radiantly. “Umma, I’m going let you go okay? I need dinner.” “Okay. Wait, Taeyeon? Is Tiffany with you?” She asked. “…Ummm yes.” I said. “Can I talk to her? It will be quick.” I bit my lip nervously and eyed Tiffany before answering. “…Sure.” I said. I handed the phone to Tiffany who took it with wide eyes. I shrugged sympathetically. “Annyeong?” Tiffany said. I watched every muscle in her face for any reaction. “I’m well, thanks.. U- Mrs. Kim.” She bit her lip, changing my mother’s title mid-sentence. I was glad she caught that. It wouldn’t be right to refer to my mother as her own mother anymore… not yet anyway. My mom spoke for a long time. Tiffany listened intently. By the time I had enough and wanted to know what was being said, I moved to lean in closer to the receiver but Tiffany was already standing up.
“Okay, Just a second.” She said. She moved to the desk and started taking notes on the hotel stationary. “Yes, I’m sure I can get some. Okay. I will.“ She turned around and smiled at me. “Okay. Thank you. Take care, goodbye.” “What was that?” I got to my feet. Tiffany set my phone on the desk and ripped the top sheet off the pad of paper looking up at me. “She told me to make this for you…” Tiffany’s lip curled. “Ginger, lemon juice, and honey tea.” I grinned and brought a hand to my forehead. Growing up, anytime I’d get the slightest sign of a cold, my mother would come barging into my room with the tea. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a cup. “If you send that to the kitchen I’m sure they’ll make it for you.” I suggested, wondering if my mother thought we regularly traveled around with such raw ingredients. “I’m going to request the ingredients. I want to make it myself.” She beamed. I followed Tiffany into the joint living area feeling ten pounds lighter. My mother just shared a recipe to Tiffany, one to use in order to care for me. It was… an amazing gesture that baffled me. I don’t remember her ever sharing that information with anyone before. She couldn’t be here to make
the tea for me herself, so she entrusted Tiffany with the task. She could have asked for any of the other girls… The significance of her intentions was astronomical. She missed me, she was worried about me, I was always welcome home… I sunk into the couch and felt warm on the inside that had nothing to do with a fever. Actually, I felt substantially better than I did earlier and I was unable to stop grinning. Tiffany went to the staff room to go have the content on the list retrieved. I just watched as the room service was brought in. It was time for the starving girls to feed. I smirked to myself as they swarmed the poor guy bringing the tray in. “Did you get something?” Yoona asked me. “Tiffany got me soup, I think.” I said. “Yep.” Yoona said, setting the bowl in front of me. I let it sit while they others got their food, as it was steaming excessively and the last thing I needed to do was burn myself. Sunny came to sit next to me and started eating. I just watched Yulsic eating off of each other’s plates, exhibiting every outward image of what a happy couple might look like. Only if you look really closely can you tell that Yuri is slightly more into it than Jessica. She looked delighted at her good fortune of having her dinner stolen out from under her nose.
“I’m going to tell Jessica.” Sunny muttered with a full mouth of food. “Thank God.” I sighed. “They’re driving me crazy. What about Yuri though?” “I’m not afraid of her.” Sunny said simply. I smirked, spooning my soup gingerly. I felt even better after eating. The amount of nostalgia I got from drinking Tiffany’s tea left me soft. Of course, it wasn’t exactly like my mother’s but it was close enough and I think it did help my affliction. I followed her back into our room when everyone started dispersing for the night. A good night’s sleep should put this cold on the ropes for tomorrow’s concert, I felt confident that I’d be in a very good condition. I didn’t bother putting my mask back on because the amount of times that Tiffany stole a kiss, kissed me through the mask, put her face next to mine, held my hand… She was beyond help. She is going to get sick, but I really did my best to prevent that. It was too late now. To top off my spoiled day, I got to watch her change again. Grinning smugly on the bed, I just admired every single aspect of her body. This was fast becoming my favorite daily ritual. There was something unexplainable about the way Tiffany moved that seemed to highlight every good angle she had. She knew how to carry herself… she knew how to look sexy all the time. I had no way of knowing whether or not she did this on purpose, for me, or even if it was all
subjective. Was I too biased to see her clearly now? Every time I got to see her smooth skin I would automatically remember how soft it was, what it tasted like, how it felt against my own… I didn’t notice she’d caught me staring until she started walking towards me. She was left only in her underwear and her eyebrows were high upon her forehead, accusingly. I grinned sheepishly as she crawled on top of me. “See something you like, Tae Tae?” She smiled. “Mhm.” I nodded. She kissed me and, for the first time all day, I kissed her back. Even through the comforter I could feel her hip bones poking into me, effectively setting me on fire. I got greedy with the kiss, pulling her closer by the back of her neck and running my hands along her collar bone. “Tae.” She smirked against my lips. “Want to try another home remedy?” I exhaled through my nose in excitement, but when I inhaled again my nose whistled loudly. Her head fell on my chest and she started laughing maniacally. I watched her, grinning, inhaling and exhaling sharply through my nose, trying to disable my whistle. In my peripheral vision I saw the door open and I saw Sunny backing into our room, pulling her luggage behind her. If I wasn’t so surprised to see her there, I might have tried to cover Tiffany up.
Sunny turned and locked eyes with me and she looked momentarily overwhelmed when she saw the state Tiffany was in. After four months, I more or less assumed the girls knew we were sexuality active by now but I knew that none of them had come this close to walking in or seeing anything in action. It took a lot to make Sunny look this shy. When Tiffany was done laughing she followed my eyes to see Sunny as well. We had a theatrical three-way stare down. “…So, I’m staying in here tonight.” Sunny said, remorsefully. Tiffany took a deep breath and got off of me to finish getting dressed. I glared at Sunny. “I thought… I’d let Yulsic share a bed alone tonight.” She said ineptly, pulling her luggage into the corner and getting into bed beside me. ‘Sorry.’ She mouthed. Tiffany got into the other side of the bed and I looked at her meaningfully, puffing out my lower lip. “Patience, darling.” She smiled. Sunny turned the lights out then and the last image I had burned into my brain before being cast into pitch darkness was Tiffany’s wink. -------------------------------------------------------I stood on the elevator pacing back and forth, testing the tread on my new
shoes. Jessica ran past me towards the dressing room as her solo stage had just ended and I heard Sunny’s music cue begin. I always looked forward to this performance at concerts… it’s the only one I get to share exclusively with Tiffany. Taeny Marmalade as it’s widely known. I had to grin at SM’s courage; allowing us to continue doing such a racy act amidst all the rumors, even when they know it’s all true. Maybe since we’re so beyond the point of no return, they feel it’d draw more attention if they did remove it. Either way, it always felt like a victory to perform it so proudly, in front of so many people. A stagehand secured my microphone’s bodypack to my outfit while I inserted my ear piece. We tested it until I could hear myself sufficiently. I sang along softly to Sunny’s rendition of the Britney Spears’ song and adjusted my new outfit. I had no objection to showing less skin, though this outfit did seem more lingerie-esque than the one I wore previously for this performance. A black, lacey corset with short shorts… Definitely not something I would wear out regularly. The stagehand returned with my ‘hat’ and embedded it into the side of my head. It was designed with long teeth to grip my hair and while it wasn’t particularly comfortable, it at least felt secure when I moved my head experimentally. I heard the crowd scream loudly towards the end of Sunny’s performance and I knew it was probably because she was up there getting groped by all those male dancers. I smirked, and out of the corner of my eye I saw something fluffy and pink dart past me, heading towards the direction of the stage.
It was almost time. I gripped my microphone tightly and exhaled deeply, hoping silently that this would go well, as it usually did. I sniffed, the mild cold that remained was forced into my subconscious. If I didn’t acknowledge it, then it didn’t exist. I heard wild applause and then it started with the snapping through the sound system. I could hear the music begin to play, and Sunny ran past me giving me a thumb up. I beamed. It wasn’t long into Tiffany’s first verse that the slow elevator began rising. Inch by inch, the sound got louder. With every breath I took, my heart beat faster and I pondered if this career would ever become routine… mundane… I doubted it. The pink ocean greeted me again for the second time this night and I admired it in its fullest. As I rose higher, I knew the lights would shine on me soon. I knew I’d have to wipe this dumbfounded expression of my face and be sexy for them, but I didn’t think about it like that, not for this performance at least. For the three and a half minutes, I would be sexy for Tiffany. Many things happened at once. A loud electronic click in my ear, my entire body was illuminated in a bright light and the crowd howled ecstatically. I started singing and moving as I was trained to. This moment when you become alive and just do what you’ve drilled into your brain, what you’ve perfected after so many hours of practicing, it’s completely indescribable.
The music took me and I belonged to it.
The choreography to this performance was child’s play; mostly just fan service. I knew my biggest obstacle would be getting down the stairs in front of me. If I could just do that, everything else would be easy.
And so, I began descending being shadowed by my own horde of male dancers. I breathed easier when I made it to the stage level and I could see her. She approached me when we began singing together. Her smile was blinding and only I could see her eyes roam over my outfit, she gave me a quick thumbs up as her assessment.
In a way, performing with Tiffany is very much like sex.
The way your heart races… the synchronized movements… rolling hips to a unified rhythm...
I kept my eyes on Tiffany not even caring how many Taeny shippers were taking pictures of me at that very moment.
Then I felt something that made my stomach plunge. The teeth in my hat were slipping, it was coming loose.
This wasn’t a huge deal. I would perform as normal and if it fell, then it fell. I would continue. I gave it a nonchalant attempt… trying to push it back up into position while I belted a long note. If it worked, then nobody would notice.
It didn’t and I fought hard to keep it from making my dancing slacken, but I found the teeth rubbing against my head so distracting.
Tiffany actually took off down the runway a half second before me.
Screw it, I thought. I would just let the damn thing fall. I was going to skip, to catch up to Tiffany’s distance, but on the very first launch of my body, my front foot came down and slipped, shooting ahead of me alarmingly. I don’t know how the hell I managed to stay upright but when the dancer besides me noticed, he steadied me.
I was so shocked and bewildered that I looked behind me wondering how that could have possibly happened. I have never come so close to taking a fall of that proportion on stage in my entire career. I made it down the damn stairs just fine and now I was failing at walking. I was missing my vocals at this point, just completely disoriented. The dancer kept trying to snap me out of it, encouraging me along and all the while the teeth of my hat were still scraping against my head.
When I looked forward again I was shocked to see how far down the runway I was already, how much of the song I’d missed. Tiffany was performing as though she hadn’t even seen anything happen. She probably didn't have a clue.
My annoyance peaked and I started trying to pull the hat out of my head but, go figure, since I wanted it gone it decided that now that it was halfway out, it wouldn't budge. I panicked, painfully pulling on it, knowing that I couldn’t possibly perform with it hanging halfway down my shoulder. It came out eventually, along with a mass of my own real hair. I dropped it behind me and finally began singing semi-properly again, willing myself to forget this entire incident and make the best of the rest of the performance.
The entire debacle left my ears ringing. My heart was beating frantically. I was standing in front of thousands of people and I wasn’t actually thinking about the performance. I couldn’t understand how so much could go wrong in a mere fifteen seconds. I was usually pretty good at keeping my cool during mistakes, but this one was really getting to me.
I was so happy that this didn’t happen during my part of the song.
I managed to get through it, finding my rhythm once again. Tiffany and I were at opposite ends
of the runway and I’d regained my composure well enough to at least look like I was enjoying myself.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it though.
I kept telling myself to play the rest of the performance safely, that I couldn’t have another mistake in this song. I’d get through this and come back strong for The Great Escape. I could bounce back…
We were to meet in the center to finish the song extravagantly. When I turned and saw her again… something clicked in my brain. She was pointing at me, her eyes were perfect lines. It made me smile, too.
This sexy girl that so many people in this room wanted, was mine. I felt it building in my chest as I got closer. I felt more confident, I felt free, liberated. She’s mine. I could see it in her eyes she was thinking the same thing.
… How I let myself become so distracted again… I have no idea… I don’t know what got into me.
Before we were right next to one another, I let my eyes roam down her amazing body again. I was completely immersed in her. I might have stepped too close but as I backed off, I dropped my hand to connect with her butt. It was intentional whether I wanted to believe it or not. It was like my hand acted of its own accord. The part that got me the most was that it wasn't only fabric I felt... I definitely felt flesh, too.
I only realized what I’d just done two seconds after it happened, I doubled over in shock at my own daring. Tiffany’s reaction… was priceless but quick. I could actually hear her laugh over the crowd.
She was just as shocked as I was, smiling exuberantly.
We belted the final notes in harmony and I was left staring off into the crowd flabbergasted as to how I managed to survive that without a mental breakdown. I didn’t even realize that I left Tiffany’s hand hanging as she was trying to give me the choreographed high five. I slapped her hand quickly when I found it and she held on it, using my hand to push a piece of her hair out of her face.
She grinned me, looking partially impressed until the lights went out on us and she led the way backstage.
There was no way to hear anything over the blaring intermission movie that had just started until we got back to the changing area. We didn’t have much time so we dressed hastily.
“Tae?” Tiffany asked softly, pulling on the metallic spacey looking top.
“Yes?” I said.
“You… just spanked me in front of sixteen thousand people.” She said evenly, biting her lip.
I nodded stiffly, lodging my tongue in the corner of my mouth. I couldn’t come up with anything to say for myself.
She finished dressing before me and passed behind me in the direction of the stage, brushing against me.
“Tae?”
I looked up at her guiltily as I pulled my shorts up.
She pushed a piece of hair behind my ear.
“You need to tell Sunny to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.” Her eyes could have burned a hole through my skull.
“Omo…” I breathed as she walked away. She had this way of stopping time.
Time… would there ever be enough of it?
I buttoned my shorts quickly, as I heard the timer counting down from the stage above, and sprinted after her.
.. the kid, the mushroom, and the apple ..
“And then…!” I pressed my forehead against the glass and stared blankly at the New York skyline from our suite. Yuri had been talking for the last 10 minutes at least without taking a breath. If someone had told me four months ago that anyone in their right mind would be coming to me for girl advice, I would have laughed in their face. I glanced sideways at Yuri, warily, while she talked animatedly, seeming to not even realize I wasn’t paying very good attention to her. Suddenly, she stopped talking and stared at me with anticipation. I blinked, having missed completely what she just asked. “So… that’s good right?” Yuri repeated slowly. “She said she liked my shirt.”
“That’s… great Yuri.” I patted her shoulder. She beamed, looking so pleased with herself. I didn’t want to tell her how inconsequential that sounded. So what if Jessica liked her shirt? That didn’t actually mean anything and I was at least 90% sure Jessica still had no idea Yuri had feelings for her. As much as I wanted to help her it felt like such a lost cause. Yuri was certain the best approach was to just be there and wait for Jessica to fall in love with her. It irritated me. Not be selfish but I had some very valid reasons for wanting them to get together. “And!” Yuri pointed a finger in the air. “She’s downstairs right now getting me coffee.” She could barely contain her excitement. I glanced to Sooyoung who was very adamantly looking away. I sighed, it looked like I was on my own for this. “Yuri-ah…” I started softly. She looked at me and smiled. “Um… Sica is a very pretty girl isn’t she?” I asked. Yuri’s smile stretched further. “Have you um... thought about what you’d do if somebody else asks her out?”
Her face fell. “Who wants to ask her out?” “Well, she’s… very popular right now.” I said, unable to look her in the eye. “Very popular.” She echoed. “…So, you should probably say something to her.” I said, nodding stiffly. “Yeah…” Yuri said vaguely. I sighed and collapsed onto the couch besides Sooyoung. It appeared our words of wisdom just glinted off of Yuri’s forehead. She looked thoughtful, but I didn’t think she had the courage to go through with it. Sooyoung nudged me and encouraged me to keep going. I shrugged at her. I really didn’t want to be in the middle of this, I could hardly see how it was any of my business, but everyone seemed to be throwing me front and center. I was exhausted as it was and I didn’t want to deal with it. “… If you don’t, somebody else might snatch her up.” I said, dully. “What should I do?” Yuri asked, eyebrows drawn together. I rubbed my eyes, letting my head roll back. I’ve already had this very conversation with her a hundred times already, at least. Sooyoung snapped her fingers. “Valentine’s day is just around the corner.” I felt pressure on my chest immediately. How could I have not realized… “Maybe you can do a secret admirer thing or we can set you up on a blind
date.” Sooyoung smirked. “That’s so cheesy.” Yuri said, mouth hanging open. “It’s cute.” Sooyoung rose an eyebrow, looking affronted. For all intensive purposes, I’d all but checked out at this point. I had about two weeks to prepare a Valentine’s Day for Tiffany and had absolutely no idea where to begin. I’ve never actually… celebrated the holiday properly with anyone before. “We can just say we set her up with someone and have you show up. That wouldn’t be bad right?” Sooyoung and Yuri were in a staring match. I stood up and went to go to my room, but I almost ran into Thomas in the hallway. He grabbed my hand. “Guess what?” He asked, grinning. “Sit down.” He directed me right back to the couch I was just evacuated. Sooyoung snorted at my failed escape plan. “Guess who I just got off the phone with.” He said. He grinned trying to build up anticipation. Thomas had a boyish charm to him when he got excited. “MBC.” “…And?” My voice shook a little. They wouldn’t have possibly given me….
“You’re in.” He laughed. “You, and Seohyun.” “What about Tipani?” Yuri asked, shocked. “She’s staying as well.” He said. “Three of them?” Sooyoung gawked. “Wait. Out of SNSD , the three members they chose to host Music Core is Tiffany, Seohyun and myself?” I asked, completely disbelieving. I actually laughed. MBC must be Taeny shippers. “No no, I’m being completely serious.” He stared at me. “You start next week.” Seohyun was standing in the entrance hall with wide eyes. “The Kim family.” Yuri laughed. “Oh, that’s too good. I’m glad you guys got the part.” “Congratulations.” Thomas smiled. I nodded, still not quite sure if this was all an elaborate prank. Music Core had always been Tiffany and Yuri’s thing, but with Yuri filming her drama she had to step down. To take her spot, to know that I now have another job, apart from being a SNSD member with Tiffany was glorious. I couldn’t wait to tell her. Seohyun sat beside me looking absolutely stunned. I put an arm around her
and quirked my eyebrows excitedly. She smiled sheepishly. I thought I recognized anxiety on her blank face though it was very difficult to tell. “MC Taenyhyun.” Sooyoung beamed. “You have to be on your best behavior.” Thomas said. “Yes, yes. Of course, I know.” I waved him off. He chuckled. I couldn’t stop smiling to myself while I let the news sink in. Thomas left and the four of us were still congregated in the living area. “… I don’t think you should trick her into going out with me.” Yuri broke the silence. I sunk back into the couch. It didn’t take long to get back to this. I would have to push Sunny in the right direction. I didn’t know how much longer I could take having a shadow that was taller than me. I was at the point where I wasn’t even opposed to telling Jessica myself. “Just… relax.” I said up to her. “It’ll work out.” The front door opened, and without knowing it, Tiffany and a security guard walked in to rescue me from an awkward situation, yet again. I crossed the room to her quickly and took the coffee from her that she had brought me. “How is it down there?” I asked, before hugging her.
“Busy, lots of fans.” She smiled. “Where’s Sica?” Yuri asked, looking around. “Oh. There’s this restaurant downstairs we want to eat at. She’s getting a table, do you guys want to come?” She asked. “But... you just said there’s a ton of people down there.” I said. “It’ll be fine. We’ve got so much security.” She said. I turned around to see if the others were interested and noticed that Yuri was wearing an expression like somebody just stepped on her sand castle. “Sica was supposed to get me coffee, too.” She said softly. “Really? She only bought one.” Tiffany said, but when she saw Yuri’s face, she changed her tone entirely. “But... that’s not a big deal, people forget. Things happen.” There was an awkward pause. Sooyoung was pulling a jacket on. I started slipping into my shoes. “Taeyeon was supposed to take me on a date when she got back from Japan and she forgot.” Tiffany continued. I turned abruptly. “Oh come on! We’ve been so busy!” I winced. “When we get time, I will take you out.” “I’m just messing with you.” She chuckled.
“Oh, guess what?” I grinned at her. “We found out who your co-host is on Music Core.” “Oh?” She asked. “Seohyun here.” I pointed at the maknae. “Excellent!” Tiffany clapped her hands and smiled. “…and me.” I said, pompously. “…What? Both of you?” She asked. I nodded. She burst out laughing. “Unbelievable.” She said. We laughed the entire way to the elevator. Our fans should know by now that we don’t really have any control over what shows we happen to host or dramas that we happen to get casted in, but… something about this decision looked really obvious on MBC’s part. I thought perhaps they were trying to borrow our thunder, if you will. The ‘Kim Family’ already had a fan base. Surely, their ratings would rise a little from our permanent addition. I bet all over the world, simultaneously, the locksmiths head’s would be exploding when this news got out.
“I don’t get why you guys want to go down here.” Yuri said from the corner of the elevator. “Are we going to get mobbed?” ”I’m starving and they’re harmless.” Tiffany turned to her. “They might just say hello.” Tiffany reached into her purse and pulled out two pairs of sunglasses, handing me one. I slipped them on and took a deep breath before stepping out of the elevator. Unexpectedly, Tiffany took my hand, showing no shame, and led me through the lobby. She was right, they were harmless, but it just seemed so foreign to hear “I love you Taeyeon!” in English instead of Korean. It was something I really thought I’d never get used to… I tried to be gracious; I said “Hello”, bowed, and continued walking. I could heard things like “beautiful” and “oh my god” and I heard a few talking about “Taeny”, they were the only words I could actually pick out and understand. I smiled and felt so thankful and blown away that so many here recognized us. “They like you.” Tiffany leaned in to whisper to me. “They must be been talking about you.” I smirked. She led us into the open restaurant and I could see Sunny and Jessica sitting at a large booth. I sat next to Sunny and scooted in so Tiffany could sit. Sooyoung, Yuri and Seohyun slid in on Jessica’s side.
I noticed immediately that Jessica’s eyes were unfocused, even by her standards. Her face was sort of frozen in place. I glanced sideways to Sunny inquisitively and she nodded to me without speaking. Finally! “What do you want to eat?” Tiffany asked me, opening a menu in front of me. I tore my eyes from Jessica to look back at her. “Um…” I stared at the foreign menu. All I saw in the pictures were hamburgers and large pieces of meat. It all looked rather bland… “Cheeseburger.” I muttered. “Drink?” I stared blankly at the menu. “…Water.” She patted me on the head and closed the menu, smirking. “…You might like it.” I doubted I could get used to eating like this. I beckoned her closer and leaned into her ear, breathing. “Sunny just told Jessica.” “I know.” She said, pulling the napkin free from her utensils and spreading it across her lap.
Jessica was going over the menu similarly with Yuri, but she seemed to be paying more attention to Yuri’s face than what Yuri was saying. If I had to judge, I’d say she almost looked somewhat uncomfortable. Whatever that expression was, I didn’t think it was ‘happy’ or ‘excited’ or even ‘surprised’. Jessica cleared her throat and let her eyes fall to the menu, before looking up to catch me staring at her. I looked away quickly. I could see several men stationed throughout the general area dressed in all black and knew they were security. This small section of the restaurant was pretty much sectioned off for us from the general public, though I could see people watching us. “Don’t let them distract you.” Tiffany smiled softly at me. “It’s kind of fascinating.” I said, staring at the mix of people, waving periodically. The waitress came back to our table and I was glad to see I wasn’t the only one merely picking at my food. Everyone was pretty nervous, I knew, for our American debut. Food would be something I could enjoy properly after we got through Letterman and Kelly in one piece. I took one bite of my cheeseburger and was indeed correct about the blandness. “I wish we could leave the hotel.” Tiffany lamented, stealing fries off my plate. “Yeah, well I don’t really blame them for keeping us here. We’d cause mayhem if we tried to walk out the door.” Yuri said, looking towards the
mass of people. “But there’s so much to do in New York.” Tiffany pouted. “Oh, excuse me?” Tiffany saw the waitress walk by and got up to ask her something. I stared at my plate knowing I didn’t want to eat anymore. It looked untouched. “You okay, kid?” Sooyoung asked me. “Fine.” I said. “A little jet lagged, I think.” Jessica was staring at me again, a familiar blank gaze. My stomach dropped. “Are you not hungry?” Tiffany asked me, sliding back into the booth. “I uhh…” I glanced down at the food again feeling bad. This was the type of meal I knew Tiffany wanted all the time. I guess… it’s just not for everyone. “I understand.” She nodded and continued eating off my plate. Yuri was talking to Seohyun about Mucore and it was the main attention grabber at the table. I took this time to nudge Tiffany. “… So, Valentine’s day-“ I said, and with that, Tiffany had a finger to my lips. “Don’t even think about it.” She said. I blinked at her, confused. “Valentine’s day is mine.” She said. “You got Christmas.”
“How did I get Christmas!?” I gawped at her. I would hardly say my gifts and actions on Christmas could possibly be deemed more… memorable than what she gave me. “You were really sweet. It’s my turn to be cute.” I sighed, resigned. I could see I wouldn’t be able to talk her out of this. I don’t know why, but ever since the beginning I considered myself the traditional one. I liked the role and I actually considered myself good at it. She stared me down until I agreed. “Let’s watch the lip touching in public, yes?” I said, smirking. “Omo, I forgot.” She grinned. I shook my head, getting caught in another futile staring match with her. All of us were exhausted, fourteen hours on a plane would do that to anyone, but Tiffany was running on pure adrenaline. She, more than anyone else, even Jessica, has been waiting for an American debut ever since she arrived in Korea. In her eyes, I knew she could feel it. It was within reach, finally. She was so excited she didn’t have time to be scared, or tired. A gigantic bowl of ice cream appeared in front of me. I stared at it, nonplussed. “Oooh.” I heard go throughout the table.
I looked at Tiffany who immediately looked guilty. “Well, you have to eat something and this is a celebratory.” She said, passing out spoons around the table. “Celebratory?” “Uhh Music Core? And you have to eat some, too!” She pointed severely at Seohyun. “Oh.” I said. Duh. I dug in happily; Tiffany knew I wouldn’t be able to resist this. It actually, turned out to be a really nice moment we all got to share together before we faced the thing we were both anticipating and dreading so much. I even saw Seohyun take two whole bites before reminding us all we’d all die from eating it. --------------------------------------------------------------------To call Tiffany excited would be an understatement. I stared in disbelief as I watched her perched on the very edge of the end of the bed in our hotel bedroom, singing along with us on the television. This was now the third time in a row we’ve replayed the performance. It was nearly 1:00am… “Fany-ah…” I interjected, rising and putting my hands on her shoulders. “Baby, we’re on Letterman! The camera man screwed it all up but I don’t
even care!” She shouted. Surely, she’d just woken up the entire suite. “Shh… sweetie we got an early day tomorrow.” I whispered. She walked to the window. “Tae… Look at this city, it never sleeps.” “I’m sorry.” She said. “It’s just… I mean you remember the first time you were on TV in Korea? Didn’t you feel like you really made it?” She turned and asked me. I sat against the ledge by the window and looked into her face, understanding that feeling all too well. “This... is like that feeling but for me. Even before we had a name I’ve wanted this … We’re on TV in America. And not just on TV, we were the musical guest for David Letterman.” She breathed. “Yes.” I said, smiling, “But if you want to be awake for our morning debut tomorrow you’re going to have to get some rest.” “I know, but…” She looked down at her phone. “It won’t even air in California for another hour and a half. My dad… I’m sure he’ll call…” “Then take it when he calls.” I said, taking her hand. She gazed out the window longingly. “Don’t you want to be out there, walking around?” She pointed down to the
streets below. I could still see a significant amount of people out, even at this hour. “I…” I didn’t know. Would it be exciting? Sure. But… it was intimidating. It was different for Tiffany, because at least if she got lost she would be able to communicate with people and get help. I’d be in so much trouble if I got lost in this huge place. “Yeah.” I said to appease her. “I’m sure when we get some free time we can go somew-” “Do you know another beautiful thing about New York, Tae?” She interrupted me. A small smile crept upon her face. “What?” “In New York,” She continued, “It’s legal for same sex couples to get married.” When she said this, it was like I forgot the rhythm of my breathing. I tried to inhale twice in a row and nearly choked. I fought hard to maintain my composure but I could see in a small flicker in her face that she noticed. She glanced down to where I was holding her hand and only then did I realize that I was now clutching it tightly. What the heck did she mean by bringing that up? Exactly what point was she trying to get across here? “It’s romantic, isn’t it?” She asked. “People come here from all over the country to vow their life to the person they love.”
“Yeah, very romantic.” I said, shakily. “But when they go home, it doesn’t hold legal status there, right?” “Right.” She nodded, “But… it’s nice to know that there are places in the world where your love can be recognized by the state. Even if it’s just a piece of paper, it’s something I’d still like to do.” She stepped closer to me and took my other hand, pulling them both around the back of her neck and resting her forehead against mine. This was another one of those moments where I could only look into eyes and wonder about the secrets she held within them. I wanted so dearly to know what she was thinking. It seemed like the cityscape enhanced her mysterious features in a dull light, as if the city itself somehow knew of my plight and frustration and was working against me… A living breathing monster, New York. My first impression had been correct. “What are you thinking about, Tae?” Tiffany asked me. “You first.” I insisted, poking her in the collar. She smiled broadly. “Calm down.” She kissed my forehead. My lip curled. She always knew when my mood was elevated. “I’m just thinking ahead.” She murmured.
I rubbed her abdomens affectionately and smiled. ‘Thinking ahead’ was becoming something I caught both of us doing more frequently. I have no idea how quickly a relationship is supposed to grow but I knew for a fact that a normal couple wouldn’t be bringing up marriage after dating for four months. But I also had to take into considering how long I’ve known her and how long she’s been such an important part of my life… It didn’t feel like four months at this point. Seven years and some months. It adds on, right? It must… The part the actually scares me is that I know if Tiffany, right now, in all seriousness said ‘let’s call a cab, go to the courthouse and get married’, I… couldn’t see myself turning her down, as absurd as it was. I was picturing her in a white dress walking down the aisle towards me. I wondered if her father would give her away… I wondered if mine would give me away… “I think I’m calm enough to sleep now.” She sighed. “Alright. I’m going to get some water and I’ll join you.” I said. She kissed me sweetly on the corner of my mouth and touched my chin. “Don’t be long.” I floated down the hallway in a state of contentment knowing there were still several hours until sleep seeing as Tiffany was obviously in a cuddly mood. I
went into the furnished kitchen and went through five cabinets before I found the glasses and got myself some water from the fridge. As I was pouring it, two rogue arms came around me and a head landed on me shoulder. I grinned. “You couldn’t wait for me?” I asked, leaning back into her arms. I was instantly let go. I turned around sipping my water and found Jessica backing away from me, looking horrified. I inhaled half of my water then and, in a spectacular display of human anatomy, most of it came shooting out of my nose. I hung my head over the sink and grabbed towel to clean myself. “I’m so sorry, I should have said something.” She whispered. “…Yes, you should have.” I said, turning back around. I could still feel some water in my nasal cavity. I sighed, Jessica looked wounded. She let go immediately so it obviously wasn’t on purpose. I reigned in my indignation. “What are you doing up?” I asked, refilling my water. “I heard someone in the kitchen.” She said in a small voice. “Yeah, that was me.” I said, staring at her suspiciously.
“I need to talk to someone.” She said. “What is it?” I asked. She stared down at her hands solemnly. “…Yuri kissed me.” “…But that’s great!” I smiled. I didn’t think Yuri had it in her. Jessica pulled me into a tight hug, and the pit in my stomach from earlier returned. I left my arms at my sides. “I don’t know what to do.” She said. “This is exactly what you wanted.” I said, staring at the wall. “Someone you’ve known a long time that you get along with. You just need to use some time to think about it, you need to let it set in-“ “I knew all along.” Jessica sighed. I closed my eyes. Oh hell… “Is it right to go out with someone if you know you’re attracted to someone else?” She whispered. “Oh, no no. We talked about this. We left this behind us.” I backed out of her arms. “Sica, you know I love Tipani-“
She narrowed her eyes. “Do you think I can just turn attraction off and on like a light switch, Taeyeon?” “You don’t have a choice!” I pointed at her. “Nothing will ever happen here.” I gestured to myself. I brought my hand to my face immediately seeing her face fall. I didn’t like having to walk the line between being blunt and being mean. “What’s wrong with Yuri?” I asked in a calmer voice. “Nothing. Nothing at all, she’s great…” “Well if you sit around and wait for something that isn’t going to happen, you’re going to lose her too. Not to mention, if Tiffany finds out she’s going to lose it.” “I know.” She said. “But what if Yuri and I did get together and had a really bad breakup and it affected SNSD?” I blinked at her. A break up and it’s immediate fallout was something I never even considered possible between me and Tiffany. I wondered if that was irresponsible of me. “And what if she’s the love of your life and you miss out on it?” I asked, anyway. “You can’t what if, it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
Her mouth flat lined. I tried so hard to look into her face, to figure out why she was so attached to me. Jessica and I have been friends a long time but we never had the intense connection I have with Tiffany. She is a pretty girl, don’t get me wrong. If Tiffany and I had never met, maybe I could consider Jessica. I just couldn’t imagine the relationship going as great as the one I have with Tiffany. After the physical attraction and friendship, I wasn’t sure there was much else there. “Okay, Jessica, just give her a try. Enjoy yourself, be happy. Remember you’re still young. Dating…” I closed my eyes. Why wasI giving dating advice? “… is something you’re supposed to enjoy. Yuri is absolutely crazy about you.” “Is she?” She asked. “Yes, she’s fully insane. Just take care of each other.” I sighed. “I’m going to bed.” She got along so much better with Yuri, she had wake up and realize that. Come hell or high water, Jessica is going to date Yuri, and forget all about me, whether she wants to or not. I’ll see to it. I was happy to see Tiffany was still awake waiting for me. She tilted her head as I entered the room. “What kept you?” She asked. “Jessica.” I said, collapsing onto the bed.
“…Why?” An unmistakable edge returned to Tiffany’s voice. I smirked. “Yuri finally kissed her and now she’s having a mental breakdown.” I said. “What? She doesn’t like Yuri?” “She doesn’t know it yet. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” I muttered. I didn’t think it was necessary to fill in the details over something so insignificant. The last thing we needed before our show tomorrow morning was conflict. I hoped I quashed whatever feelings Jessica had left for me because if it persisted I would eventually have to tell Tiffany. -------------------------------------------------------------
I experimented with my hair, pulling up to hang loosely around my face before I decided it went best with the red dress I was wearing. Our manager informed us earlier in the day that SM was “rewarding” us by allowing us to go “clubbing”. “Tae.” Tiffany husky chuckled entered the room. She came up behind me and pulled the entire backside of my dress free that was tucked inside my underwear. That would have been a serious headline had I gone out like that. Typical of myself, I thought. What would I do without Tiffany?
“I don’t really want to do this.” I said when I finished laughing. “It won’t be bad. I’ll take care of you.” She smiled. I put the terms “clubbing” and “reward” in quotes because usually anytime we’re rewarded, with the exception of Australia, it’s usually work related. If we were really allowed to go to a nightclub in NYC to party, they wouldn’t cart us around in a big bus with our name on it to stir curiosity amongst the public. Obviously, we were out to promote our album and we were to be on our best behavior. Clubbing really isn’t my cup of tea, but if I’m going to do it I’d much rather be able to do it on my own terms. New York would have been the perfect place where we could have gone out and not been recognized but even as we entered the club the MC announced us to a group of people that didn’t know who we were. We were sectioned off by our security most of the night and I found it incredibly awkward at first. A lot of people couldn’t seem to figure out why were there. I couldn’t either. Back to back performances, interviews, fan meets, all on top of jetlag; I would have much rather been in bed. But as the night went on I started enjoying myself. We did the best we could with all the rules we had and I was glad to have friends like Hyoyeon and Sooyoung that couldn’t inhibit themselves while they were dancing even if they wanted to. I remained glued to Tiffany the entire night. As much as I hated to admit it,
it was fun to dance with her with no other reason than to just dance, though there were several times where I caught myself getting into it a little too intimately with her in public. “There are so many good looking men here.” Sooyoung said, looking around happily. I smirked after her as she went to try and dance with the MC. I saw Yuri dancing awkwardly by herself and I immediately flared up. Missing in action tonight, was Jessica, who managed to get out of coming to this event altogether. Not only was it totally unfair to Yuri, but I didn’t want to come either. I don’t see how she got to stay home when I had to come. I could have strangled her. “Uh oh, we’ve got trouble.” I heard Sunny say on the other side of me. A man was approaching Seohyun, trying to dance with her. I immediately sprung into action, furious that security had missed this. “Do you want to dance with this guy?” I danced up behind her and spoke into her ear. “Ah... Uhh. No.” She said, slightly turning her head to me. “What’s your name?” I heard him ask her. I began pulling her backwards towards the others, and for a moment it looked like he was going to follow us, but security intervened then and forced the guy away. Seohyun turned around and stared at me as if she’d just witnessed a car crash.
“Stay with us.” I yelled over the music. Ironic, that this would happen to Seohyun out of all people, but I felt bad for the guy as well. He just came to a club to do what people at clubs are supposed to do. Dance, mingle, be social… He didn’t do anything wrong, and he wasn’t being disrespectful towards her, that I’d seen. I felt more out of place than ever, and pulled Seohyun to sit beside me in the corner. “Thank you, Unnie.” She said in a small voice I could barely hear. Tiffany sat on my lap and looked at me with wide eyes. I knew she could tell I was fuming. “Can we leave yet?” I asked her. “I’ll ask.” Sunny answered, before disappearing to search for our manager. This whole night was a bust right from the very beginning. These people we came to promote to didn’t know us before and still don’t know us. The loud music and flashing lights were giving me a headache and now we were making normal citizens feel like criminals for even trying to treat us like normal people. I thought rather than making us more likable, this might have had the opposite effect. You couldn’t get me back on that bus fast enough. The bus ride back to the hotel was quiet. My ears were still ringing from the
music and everyone seemed to be avoiding my gaze. I knew it was because I was showing my anger outwardly and that wasn’t something I don’t typically do. When I pushed open the door to the suite and found Jessica on the couch watching TV with a blanket rather than being violently ill or asleep, or whatever her lame excuse had been. I actually stopped to extend my glare towards her. The others had to push their way around me just to get through. “Did you have fun?” Jessica asked, blank faced. I raised a hand to point at her before answering, but Tiffany took it before I could get a word out and started walking me down the hall. I walked into the room ahead of her and dropped my purse on the table, running my hands through my hair and standing in front of the window. She followed me after she closed the door. “Why didn’t she come? I mean, what’s the actual reason?” I said, sharply. “I’m not sure.” Tiffany said, rubbing my shoulders. I shook my head, turning around to face her. “That was a disaster.” “It wasn’t that bad.” She said. “One thing went wrong-“ “That was such a waste of time! The whole night!”
Tiffany smiled at me. I couldn’t understand why she was smiling, so I just continued talking to try and reiterate my point. “I understand the others had fun and that’s great but it’s not my environment, and I hardly think any of those people are going to go out and buy our album after that.” I squinted up at Tiffany, hardly believing she was laughing at me. “What?” I asked. She shook her head. “Nothing… you’re just…” “I’m just? I’m just what?” My voice rose. She held up her hands defensively, but continued smiling. “You’re mad. I think I like you mad.” She chuckled. I gaped at her. “Really. It’s kind of… hot.” She said, taking a seat on the end of the bed. I brought a hand to my forehead and sighed audibly. “Call me a horrible person, but a part of me wants to know what you’d be like if that poor guy would have hit on me instead of Seohyun.” She grinned. I grinned in spite of my anger, and thought about that scenario for a while
before nodding. “You are a horrible person.” I laughed through my nose. “And you love me anyway.” She beamed. I puffed my cheeks and exhaled loudly, the last of my anger going with it against my will. She patted her lap and I sat across it. “You look so beautiful tonight.” She touched my face. “Fany-ah...” I hummed, coyly. “You do.” She chuckled. “This dress is quite becoming on you.” “…Thank you.” I said. It was always hard for me to swallow such blatant compliments from her. .. “But then again, if I was on you, I’d becoming, too.” She said. She started laughing raucously. I shook from her wild laughter, staring at her completely confused. “Oh, nevermind.” She said, pulling me closer. “I think your Korean is a bit off kilter tonight.” I said warily. “Maybe.” She smiled at me affectionately.
“So…” I stood up and pulled out some pajamas to put on. “New York. Okay to visit, I don’t think I’d want to live here.” “Me neither.” She said, watching me. “I wish you would have had a better time.” “It wasn’t bad.” I said, turning around and stepping into a small pair of shorts. “It’s just a little too big for me.” I nodded. “There’s something I need to ask you, Tae.” She said softly. “Okay.” I said, pulling a shirt on. “It’s kind of a big deal.” Her eyes pierced me. Something clicked in my brain and I became stiff. “…Okay.” I said again, my eyes were massive. She walked to me slowly without breaking eye contact. She took my hands in hers and squeezed them, searching my face and surely noticing that I was now breathing faster. Was it coming? Was she going to ask me the one thing I could never refuse her? “Will you do something with me?” She whispered. My breath caught in my throat and my eyes darted between hers. My heart
was racing. “A-anything.” I choked. Her smile could light the world on fire. “Will you… come to California with me next week?” I blinked rapidly, feeling every muscle in my body slacken at once. I must have shrunk at least 5cm. Her husky laugh returned. “What, did you think I was going to say something else?” She asked, with an all-knowing tone. I took a deep breath and walked to my side of the bed, picking up one of my pillows. “Of course not!” I yelled, swinging my pillow at her hard. She erupted in laughter, backing away with her hands ready to block me. On a back swing she managed to grab onto the pillow and used it to pull me close. “Does that mean you’ll come with me?” She asked, biting her lip. “If I don’t have a schedule I’ll go.” I said, letting go of the pillow. “Is this before or after Mucore?” “Before.” She flopped back onto the bed and replaced my pillow where it was. “Dad wants me to visit and it really has been too long.” She said.
I nodded. “And he’d be okay with me coming too? I don’t want to interrupt bonding time or whatever.” “He works, so, it’ll be fine. You can keep me company.” She beamed. “And I can show you around my hometown. And there’s no schedule, no rules… we can do whatever we want. We’ll only be there a few days.” “Sounds good.” I smiled. She sat up to turn out the lights but stopped to stare at me first. “It looks like most of the color is returning to your face now. That’s good.” She chuckled. The lights went off with a click and I felt her immediately cradle me in her arms, her face was touching mine. She let her lips drag across my cheek. “I don’t know why you freaked out like that, Taetae, it’s not like I would have been mad if you said no...” I smiled against her lips when they immediately found mine after she said that. If only she knew. I kissed her deeper to silence any more talk about that.
.. under the bridge ..
“You’re sure he’s alright with this? He knows I’m coming?” I asked, pulling my backpack out of the trunk. “Yes…” Tiffany said, taking her own bag and slinging it over her shoulder. She looked at me critically. “Calm down, Tae. He’s at work.” It was a cloudless sunny day with a warm wind. The house we were in front of looked humble and comfortable in a nice residential area. I stood there waiting for her to get anything when a beautiful, tall blonde woman ran by with a dog on a leash. She smiled at me kindly and I nodded to her. I couldn’t help staring at her. Her tan skin and huge blue eyes fit every single stereotype I might consider for a typical Californian girl. She looked like she was out of a movie. “…Tae?” She asked. Tiffany didn’t look pleased. “Sorry. She just…” I looked after the woman and realized how bad that probably looked to Tiffany. “No, it’s not like that.” I muttered.
“Oh, dear. Should I get you a leash?” She asked, smirking. “That won’t be necessary.” I snorted. She kissed me on the cheek before walking ahead. I followed her after I surveyed the general area for witnesses and then it dawned on me that even if someone had seen, they probably wouldn’t recognize us. I seriously needed to relax… Tiffany bent over at the front door to retrieve a key from under the doormat. She led the way in and I stopped just inside the door to step out of my shoes. The entry hall was long with wood floor and led into the living room that was a step below and had deep blue carpet. The entire living room was adorned with photographs, the centerpiece being a large portrait over the fireplace displaying her entire family together. Her father, her mother, herself, and her two older siblings, a brother and a sister, whom I knew didn’t live at home anymore. Tiffany was an infant in the picture and even then she looked so much like her mother. She had exactly the same eyes. I was startled when she reminded me she was still standing beside me by running a finger along my hand. I felt like I’d just gotten caught staring at something I shouldn’t have. “It’s okay.” She smiled softly, leading me away from the picture and up the stairs. I noticed that she made it a point not to look at it herself.
“Nice house.” I said. “Thank you.” She came to a stop at a door and turned around to face me. “I’m just warning you, my dad left everything exactly as it was when I went to Korea.” She grinned, rolling her eyes and giving off the air of embarrassment. She pushed the door open and I entered the pink oblivion. Tiffany’s teenage room showed me that her love affair with pink had started a long, long time before I even knew her. Her walls were plastered with photos, posters, banners and anything else she deemed significant enough to display. One entire corner of her room was dedicated to plushies. My mom would have gone berserk if I ever tried to customize my room so much. She would likely consider it borderline vandalism. I turned in a small circle trying to absorb it all, aware that Tiffany was watching me. When I thought about our fans, I would consider them having a room like this, except there weren’t any posters of us on these walls. I smirked when I recognized a DBSK poster and pointed at it, winking at her. “Shut up.” She said, setting her bag down beside the bed. “BoA.” I beamed, standing in front of a particularly large poster of the singer. Actually, now that I noticed it, much of her room had BoA merchandise scattered throughout. “I wanted to be her.” Tiffany stared up at the singer we were now somwhat friends with.
“I think we all did.” I nodded. She took my bag off my shoulder and set it aside for me while I continued perusing her walls, looking at pictures of her as a young teenager with people who must have been her friends from high school, along with more pictures of her family. “Are you tired?” She asked. “No.” I said, yawning deeply. She laughed and poked me in the stomach. “Yeah, right.” “No.” I said, eyes wide. Unfortunately another yawn took me. “Ahhh… this is all just poor timing. I’m not really tired.” I said when I could speak again, sitting on the end of her bed. Her bed was only a twin. It was going to be like old times trying to fit in it together. I looked at the time and it was only 11:30 in the morning. Out of shear habit I started to think about what would be on the schedule today. “…Fany? Isn’t this weird?” I asked. “Hmm?” “…We don’t have anything to do today.” I said.
“We can find something to do.” She said. “I just thought you’d want to rest first.” “No I mean, there’s nothing we have to do. No schedule.” I said. “It’s kind of nice.” She said affectionately. She stood in front of me, gazing at me contently. She brought a hand to my face and used her thumb to trace my cheekbones. “You look tired.” I let my head fall back dramatically and stuck my lips out in exasperation. I already knew at this point she was probably going to force me to try and sleep off some of the jetlag. As soon as I had the thought, she pushed me onto my back and I gave in. While the bed lacked size, it did feel rather comfortable. I stared at her ceiling while I felt myself melting into the mattress. Maybe I was a bit more tired than I wanted to admit. Tiffany crawled on top of me a few seconds later, reappearing into my peripheral vision and raising her eyebrows at my lethargic expression. “I don’t know why you bother trying to lie to me.” She murmured, letting her face into the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply. “I would never lie to you, yoechin.” I mumbled, letting my eyes close. “You know what I think?” Tiffany said, pulling her head free.
“Mm?” “I think I need a Taeyeon poster, right there.” She said, completely seriously. My eyes shot open to see her finger pointing directly above us to her ceiling. “You’re joking?” I asked. “I’m going to do it.” She grinned. “Fany-ah, that’s embarrassing-” I whimpered. “Yes, maybe the one from the Genie era.” She looked at me and quirked her eyebrow, playfully. “Where are you going to find that around here?” I asked. She looked thoughtful for a moment before a small smile crept on her face. I rolled my eyes and let my head fall back again. “We’ll just rest today and go out tomorrow. My dad won’t be home for hours. We’ll have dinner and hang around here and tomorrow you’ll be all caught up with the time.” “Mm.” I grunted. My lips mashed together in discontent before I sat up and pulled my jacket off. “It’s too hot. Isn’t it winter?” I asked.
“It is.” She said. “Ridiculous.” I muttered, landing on the mattress again. Blankets wouldn’t be a necessity in California. “I love you, Taeyeon.” She whispered. “I love you, too.” I said in English. I opened one eye and smirked at her. “I’ve got to speak the native language.” “Shh… sleep, beautiful.” Tiffany smiled, running her hand through my hair. Looking at her had been a mistake. Seeing her gentle, loving expression made me not want to close my eyes. Those deep eyes caught me every single time… “Mm...” I fought against the numbness that was pressing against body, seemingly forcing me against the mattress, but I didn’t last long. It felt too good to just be able to drop out and not have to worry about waking up or missing a commitment. It was the most amazing, effective, dreamless sleep I ever remember having. When I opened my eyes again I felt well rested but I was empty handed and alone in the bedroom. The sun was hanging over the horizon outside of Tiffany’s window and it was bright orange, yet beautiful. It splayed directly across my face, dazzling me. If there was one thing I could say about California from the little time I’ve spent here it’s that the sunsets are
incredible. Tiffany had opened the window sometime while I was asleep and the light breeze was teasing my skin and fondling the curtains that danced along with it. It had cooled down substantially since I fell asleep. The weather felt perfect. I rubbed my eyes and got to my feet, giving myself permission to leave her room and search the house for her. When I opened her door I could hear a TV on downstairs and Tiffany’s voice. I followed it into the living room and saw Tiffany and her father on the couch. She saw me first. She beamed. “Daddy, you remember Taeyeon?” She asked, gesturing to me. The English they were speaking dissolved into Korean quickly. He turned to me and the joy on his face multiplied. “Of course!” He got to his feet. I bowed and awkwardly offered a hand to him, “It is good to see you again, Ahjussi.” He pulled me into a hug instead. “No need to be formal.” He said. “It has been too long. Gosh, you’ve grown up so much since I last saw you.” “Thank you for having me.” I said. Over his shoulder Tiffany looked exceptionally happy.
“Please sit.” He said, guiding me with a hand on my back to sit next to Tiffany on the couch. “Want to try this?” Tiffany asked me. “What is that?” I asked, eyeing her plate. “Enchilada.” She said. “Mexican food.” I’m all for new experiences, but the bite she offered me threw me off guard. I wasn’t expecting it to taste like that and I wasn’t much for spicy foods, but it wasn’t bad, just different than how it looked. She must have seen it on my face. “You don’t like it.” She chuckled. “I didn’t either at first.” Her father said on the other side of me. It struck me then how strangely casual this was, for someone having guests over. To have his feet coffee table, his shoes lying on the carpet and Tiffany eating in the living room... Things are done so remarkably different in America, it’s staggering. I was certain if this was my mother’s house she would have cleaned, dressed up and cooked a home meal. Tiffany’s father had picked this meal up on the way home, I could see the restaurants paper bag. “He ordered pizza.” Tiffany smiled. “He just brought me this because he knows I’ve been itching for it.”
“Ah..” “Are you taking good care of my daughter?” He asked me. “Omo, Dad, it’s not her place-“ Tiffany started, standing up to take her plate to the kitchen. “…She’s the eldest right?” He looked at her. “Yes, and I’m doing my best Mr. Hwang.” I said. For some reason I was thinking about exactly how well I’ve ‘taken care’ of Tiffany in the last few months. A few certain scenarios come to mind that, should he find out about, would give him more than enough reason to throw me out of his house. I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Do you have plans tomorrow?” He asked Tiffany, “You know I go into work very early.” “Yes.” Tiffany said. “We’ll be fine, we have a driver.” “Good.” He said. The evening went without a hitch. Tiffany’s dad was very easy to talk to. He was very laid back and while it took some getting used to, I enjoyed his company very much. He seemed like such a happy person but I considered it was probably the fact that his daughter was home that made him so chipper. After he and I ate through the entire pizza, he left us to go to bed after giving Tiffany the
longest good night hug I’d ever seen. It was sweet to watch them interact, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was intruding on something private, like I should have stayed at home to let them enjoy these moments alone together. “Let’s go, Tae.” Tiffany turned off the TV and took my hand and led me up the stairs after turning off all the lights downstairs. I followed blindly, staying unreasonably close to her to keep from knocking into anything. Her arms were around me the second I pulled her door shut. “I missed you.” She murmured against my head. I closed my eyes and leaned back against her door, understanding how it was possible to spend an entire day with someone and still miss them. Her lips found mine and I was happy to greet them. Behind this door, we didn’t have to put on a charade, though I was still wary about how horrible it would be if we were caught being intimate with one another and the huge of lack of respect I was showing towards Tiffany’s father. I felt like an unruly teenager, breaking into her house after hours to fool around with her without her father’s knowledge. As expected, Tiffany was only encouraging this behavior. “No, no.” I whispered, pushing her back by her hips when she started leaning into me.
“Taeyeon-ah…” She whimpered. “You’ve lost your mind, haven’t you?” “No.” She said, letting me free. Everything in her room was tinted in gray and blue because of the night sky. I couldn’t see her expression clearly but I could hear the disappointment in her voice. “Fany-ah, what happens if he finds out? If he hears us?” “Tae-“ “He’s been so hospitable towards me, I can’t be that disrespectful to him…” “…Tae-“ “At the very least wait until he goes to work, I can’t… not while he’s home…” I frowned and sat on the end of her bed, hoping she could understand where I was coming from. She straddled my lap, using my shoulders to steady herself, and I went to immediately object but she covered my mouth with her hand. “Let me talk.” She whispered. I sighed heavily against her hand until she removed it. She waited a moment before speaking, presumably to see if I would obey her wishes.
“While you were sleeping I had a talk with my dad.” She said, softly, running her lips along the side of my neck by my ears. I closed my eyes. A chill that caused the hairs on the back of my neck coursed through my body against my will. “W-what about?” I asked. “About you and I.” She laughed once, hot breath against my neck. I pulled away to look at her. “You told him about us?!” I exclaimed, much louder than I intended to. She put a finger to my lips. “Shh. Yes, I did.” I gasped loudly. “But… he didn’t eben ay ethin! He ma ni ta-me!” I tried to say. I pushed Tiffany’s hand away, frustrated, and whispered pointedly this time. “Why didn’t he say anything? He was nice to me.” “He… was a little shocked, but I don’t think he was angry.” Tiffany said, thoughtfully. My mouth dropped open. “I don’t think he wanted to start a fight. He was just more curious why, I
guess. We talked about it and he was doing much better after that. I told him how sweet you are to me and well you treat me and take care of me…He just seemed happy that I was happy.” I stared at her in disbelief. I was just now barely starting to talk to my mother again, and Tiffany already seemed to have approval. Her hands were already creeping up my shirt. My eyes had completely adjusted to the darkness and I could now see her face. I could see it in her lazy, slavish expression that she wanted me. “He’s all the way on the other side of the house...” She tried bargaining with me. “I don’t want to disrespect-“ She lowered her face to mine and ran her tongue along my lower lip. I knew she felt me shudder from the action. “Taeyeon-ah…” She whispered. “If I thought it was a problem, I wouldn’t allow it, okay? Trust me?” “I…” I didn’t know. I was pretty much just buying time… She sighed, apparently fed up, and pulled her shirt over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing a bra. “… You… are… such a bad influence.” I mumbled, finding I couldn’t look away from her.
And just like that, she knew she had me. Game, set, match. Tiffany – 2, Taeyeon – 0. She pulled my legs tightly around her waist, forcing me onto my back. … I made a mental note to find a way to defend myself in the future. -------------------------------------------------------“Wooooo-oooow.” I divided the word into several syllables. “Tipani! I want to be up there one day.” I said, pointing up at a building. We were driving down a very busy street that Tiffany told me was famous. The entire side of a skyscraper hung the biggest advertisement I’d ever seen in my life. I was practically sitting on Tiffany’s lap as we gazed out the same window from the back seat of the car. “Some day.” She chuckled. Today was a very exciting day for me. We drove about half hour away from Tiffany’s house to a café she’d found on the internet. We’d be alone in Hollywood, with no security, no staff, no agenda and I only had her to rely on in this foreign place. While it wasn’t widely known that we were in California, we were still running the risk of being recognized. I don’t even go out by myself in Jeonju anymore, this was another ballpark entirely. Instead of being afraid though,
I found the excursion pretty exciting with Tiffany by my side. “Right there.” Tiffany pointed to the driver. We pulled up to a curb in front of a modest looking café. I pulled on the blue baseball cap Tiffany gave me and stepped outside into the hot day. I pulled the bill of my hat down around my eyes and entered the restaurant behind her. The driver waited in the car. The thing that struck me the most about this place was how incredibly clean it was. Everything from the decorations to the color scheme was beautiful. Even the patrons were all nicely dressed with perfect haircuts and even tans, menand women. I felt underdressed to be there amongst them… A very attractive waiter took us to a table in the corner of the restaurant. He gave us menus and Tiffany scooted beside me to translate. I pulled up my hat a little bit and looked at her with wide eyes. “Tipani, everybody’s so pretty here. It’s unreal.” I whispered. She smirked at me and continued reading. I was pleased to find out that they served sushi here so I could at least eat something somewhat familiar to me. I let my eyes wander to the other people, and found people reading books, on laptops, on cell phones… it looked like a place where people would come to spend lots of time, not just to come and eat and leave. It was a comfortable atmosphere.
“Ladies, are we ready to order?” The waiter returned. I was surprised with how light and friendly his voice was. His arms were almost completely covered in tattoos and he had really large ear rings in his earlobes, yet his hair was molded into an absolutely perfect faux hawk, as if he’d just left the stylist. He was looking at me first. “Uhh.” “She’ll have the sushi. This.” Tiffany pointed out the menu to him. “She doesn’t speak English.” “Ah.” He smiled, jotting my order down. “Do you like California?” He asked slowly, smiling down at me. I grinned. “Is good, except, too hot.” I said in English, giving a thumb up. “Oh, she’s cute!” He grinned, turning to Tiffany. “What’ll you have, sweety?” Sweety? “Grilled chicken sandwich.” She said, “With fries?” “Absolutely.” He said. “Drinks?” He asked.
“I’ll have iced tea. Tae, what do you want to drink?” She asked me in Korean quickly. “Coke.” I said. “Coming right up.” He said, tapping our table before walking away. I glared after him. “What’s wrong?” Tiffany asked me. “Why did he call you ‘sweety’?” I growled. Tiffany stared at me with warm eyes. She bit her lip as if she was thinking of what to say. “I love you.” She said, finally. “… I love you, too.” I muttered. “American waiters have no manners. Hitting on patrons…” “Tae…” I looked at her. “Look closely at the people in here.” She said, softly. I squinted. Her back was to them, how did she know what I could expect to find? I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Just do it.” She insisted. I tilted my head to the side and let my eyes wander. All I really saw was a bunch of guys and a few women. The restaurant wasn’t very busy. I didn’t see what Tiffany was getting at… …Until two more guys walked in… holding hands. I pulled the bill of my hat down again in order to hide the shock on my face. This was something you’d almost never see in Korea; Two guys, in broad daylight, showing affection towards one another in a public place. Then it all clicked in my head all at once. Everyone was so clean cut, it was almost feminine. “…Fany-ah? Is this a gay café?” I breathed, my entire face was practically hidden. “…Is that okay?” I lifted my hat up slowly and gazed at her in wonder. I knew places like this existed, but I always thought it would be more obvious, that I would know immediately if I was in such a location. This… looked just like a normal restaurant. Then I remembered who I was and started looking out the window to make sure there weren’t camera people waiting to catch us. “It’s okay…” Tiffany said, reaching across the table to put her hand on mine.
It actually was okay. There were no cameras, nobody here knew us, but I couldn’t relax. I needed time to get used to this. I was suffering severe culture shock and Tiffany seemed to enjoy watching it. I saw our waiter bringing our food to us and in a knee jerk reaction pulled my hand free. Tiffany smirked. “Okay, Grilled chicken sandwich.” He set a plate down in front of Tiffany. “And the sushi.” I didn’t mean to stare at him like I knew I was. He winked at me as he set my plate down. “Enjoy your meal, ladies.” “Tank you.” I said. “Are you okay?” She asked, eyeing me. I nodded. “I’m sorry. I should have let you know where we were going.” She said, starting to eat. “It doesn’t bother me.” I said. It was an interesting experience. Just being there taught me a lot about the misconceptions I had about the
homosexual community. Whether or not I actually felt I belonged there in that café was irrelevant. I was glad Fany took me there. Somehow it made me feel more secure about myself and who I was and my lifestyle. Smart girl, that Tiffany. I felt that must have been her intention of taking me there all along, to show me how free and open people can live with our type of lifestyle. I didn’t know how to thank her for that. I still don’t. The driver dropped us off on the walk of fame next. Miles of embedded stars in the sidewalk, marking the history of Hollywood actors and actresses. I’ve seen this before on TV, but being there, walking among the other tourists going completely unnoticed was a new experience in itself. It felt special to be walking along such a landmark, so many famous buildings that have been there for so long. This place was huge; way bigger than me. It was a humbling experience. We posed next to Johnny Depp’s star for Seohyun. I got pictures of the Hollywood sign, the Capital Record’s building and the Chinese theatre… I actually ended up running out of memory on my camera. There was so much amazing architecture and points of interest and just… people everywhere. Eventually, I became brave enough to hold Tiffany’s hand in public and it made the entire experience ten times better. I was so pleased with myself thatI had been the one to initiate it. I couldn’t stop grinning when we got back into the car. It felt like our first real date.
“Are you tired?” Tiffany asked me, her arm around my shoulder. “Not really.” I said, flipping through my pictures on my camera. “There’s one more stop before we go home.” She said. She leaned forward to whisper into the driver’s ear. “I love this.” I said, showing her a picture I took of her with a man in a SpongeBob costume. “It’s perfect, right?” She chuckled. I smiled and turned the camera off. “California’s not bad.” I said. She smiled widely at me and I took the opportunity to get lost in her eyes again. Today, I wasn’t an SNSD member, I was just a normal person enjoying a vacation with my beautiful girlfriend. It was like living another life. I noticed we started passing smaller businesses, and strangely enough, it didn’t register immediately in my brain that these businesses were spelled out in Hangul. I pointed out the window at one in particular when we were stopped at red light. “Tipani. Kimchi. Oh! Koreatown!”
“Yes.” Tiffany nodded. This is somewhere I was a little familiar with. During the SMTown event we had in LA a few years back, we did visit a few businesses around here on our free time, though we hadn’t really been able to enjoy them as everyone in the world knew we were in LA. We couldn’t exactly roam freely. Even now, I’d probably consider it the one place we would get recognized right now. “What are we doing here?” I asked. Tiffany grinned. “I’m going to get my poster.” I blinked at her. “… Please tell me you’re joking.” My voice cracked. “Why not?” She asked. “There’s a music store-“ “Tip-a-ni.” I said slowly, “Do you really think it’s wise to go walking into a Korean music store to buy a poster of… me? The one place we’d actually be recognized?” “Tae, it’s like two o’clock on a weekday, there shouldn’t be many kids there.” “Okay, but the store workers will recognize us.” I said. Did she really not think this through?
“And I’m sure if they were disrespectful or invasive towards us, they’d lose their job. It’ll be fine.” She said. “We’ll just go in, get a poster and go.” I didn’t have a comeback. Defeated, I began digging through my purse and applying makeup. “It’s not like they’re expecting us.” She chuckled. “It’ll be kind of fun, like surprising fans, maybe.” “With no security…” I muttered. “I’m your security.” She grinned. “Omo.” I breathed. We stopped next to the store and I could see our Mr. Taxi album was on display in the window. These people would definitely know us. “Don’t be scared. It’ll be fun.” She smiled, getting out of the car. I pulled my hat down and followed after her. The one attendant I could see was tending to someone at the checkout counter. Tiffany and I took an immediate right and headed down an aisle quickly so as to go unnoticed. I could hear Tiffany chuckling ahead of me. “You’re crazy.” I muttered. “Let’s see, posters.” She stood up on her toes and looked around.
“This is so embarrassing.” She pointed behind me. “That is embarrassing.” I turned around to see what she was looking at and found myself staring back at me. A cardboard cutout. “Even your life sized cutout is taller than you, love.” I glared at her from under my hat. “Can I help you find something?” A man’s voice came from behind me. I froze. Tiffany looked at the guy over my shoulder. I was glad she was wearing sunglasses. “Where are your posters?” She asked. “Right over here.” He said. Tiffany followed the guy and I walked right behind her, keeping my head down. “Thanks.” She said. She ran her finger down the catalog book. “He didn’t recognize you.” I whispered. “Relax...” She said. “…B-7.” She clapped, walking to the wall of posters and
finding the correct one. “That’s it? They really have that poster here?” I asked, eyeing it warily. Even if I didn’t want to be here, I had to be momentarily impressed with the stores contents. It was nice to know that some American Sone’s would have places like this so they wouldn’t have to pay the ridiculous shipping fees. “…According to the guide.” She shrugged. “Let’s go.” That wasn’t so bad, I thought as we walked to the register. Somehow, it looked like we were going to get through this without incident. “Did you find everything okay?” The cashier asked. “Yep!” Tiffany said. “You’ve got a nice store, here.” “Thanks.” He said. I was standing immediately behind Tiffany, pretending to be interested in a display of T-ARA CDs to avoid looking at him. “… Do you think we can open that before I buy it? I want to make sure it’s the right one.” “Certainly.” He said, pulling out a knife and running it along the plastic. He slid it out of the plastic and unrolled it for Tiffany. I peeked over her shoulder when curiosity got the best of me. “Taeyeon, right?” He asked her, but his eyes landed on me.
I looked away quickly “That’s the one.” Tiffany said happily. “…Y-you have amazing taste, Miss.” He said quickly to Tiffany. “Thanks. Can you charge me extra and put it in that empty tube?” She asked, I felt her lean forward like she was pointing over the counter. “I don’t want it to get damaged.” “Ah… I’m not allowed to sell those.” He said. “We save them for giveaways.” Sigh. Somehow, I had a bad feeling that Tiffany was thinking what I was thinking. I should have known from the very beginning she wanted to get caught all along. I elbowed her, and she seemed to get the message because her questions ended. Had I done nothing, I expect she would have revealed herself and offered some autographs for a giveaway. That sounded like her, anyway. She paid and we seemed in the clear. I turned around and she took the poster. “Thank you.” She said. “You’re welcome.” He said. We were at the door when he spoke again.
“Uhh…Congratulations on Music Core, Taeyeon-Ssi.” He said quickly. I froze. I could hear Tiffany chuckle. I turned around slowly to look at him and lifted my hat up. “…Thank you.” Tiffany pulled me backwards out of the store and back into the car looking extremely pleased with herself. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” She said. “…He was very respectful.” I said. “But I still think you’re insane.” “Maybe a little.” Tiffany smirked. -------------------------“How does that look, is that even?” Tiffany asked. “Looks good.” I muttered. I was flat on my back on her bed. She had a leg on either side of me, standing on her bed to reach her ceiling and the view was… spectacular to say the least. Admittedly, I wasn’t really looking at the poster. Tiffany sat beside me for only a moment before shoving me and getting back up again.
“It’s crooked.” I laughed and picked up my empty glass off the bedside table. Sitting up, I lifted her shirt enough to kiss her stomach. “Be right back.” I said. I flew down the stairs and into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pouring myself some more water. Tiffany’s father came into the kitchen and greeted me kindly. I nodded respectfully and went to go back upstairs. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with him. “Taeyeon?” He asked. I turned around slowly feeling nervous. “Yes?” “You guys leave in the morning?” He asked. “Yes.” He took off his glasses and walked towards me slowly. I saw pain in his face. “I never dreamt my daughter would fall in love with a woman.” He said, softly. “It hurts that I can’t take care of her anymore. She grew up before I was ready to let go.”
I looked into his face, not knowing what to say. “But… it brings me comfort that she’s happy and that I know there is someone there to take care of her… even if it can’t be me…” He nodded slowly to himself. “Please be good to her. Treat her well, she deserves it.” He said. “…Taeyeon, I like you but I swear to god if you hurt her...” I was startled by the mere idea of that. I put my hand up. “Sir, really I don’t even know how anybody could hurt Tiffany. It’s just… not in me, to ever do anything… to hurt her.” I stammered, trying to reassure him but I was probably falling flat. “She’s had a lot of hurt in her life. She doesn’t need anymore.” “I understand.” I said. He nodded slowly and patted my shoulder. I took myself to be dismissed and fled up the stairs back to Tiffany’s room, a bit shaken from his intensity. Father’s are very protective of their little girls… “Yah.” Tiffany said sharply when I reappeared. “…What?”
“I didn’t mean to read it, but I did.” She glared at me, holding up my cell phone. I crossed the room slowly and took it from her. It was a text message from Jessica. I winced at the sight of her name. “I hope you’re well. Things are dull around here without you. I need help, I don’t know what to do about Yuri… Travel safely. Will see you tomorrow. Sica” “I’m going to kill her.” Tiffany announced. “She hasn’t gotten over you yet, has she?” “That could just be friendly…?” I said. I could tell by Tiffany's face that she wasn’t buying that. I sighed. “She’s confused.” I said, slumping my shoulders, “Tipani, there’s no killing either. Just… let me try and fix it okay?” I asked. Tiffany gave me the most heart breaking look I’ve ever seen on her face. I would have much rather seen her in tears than what I was seeing. It was… blatant fear. And I couldn’t understand why she was displaying it. I sat next to her, completely paralyzed by her face. My senses dulled into stupidity. “F-Fany, what is it?” I breathed. “I don’t like competition.” She said. Her eyebrows were still strung together in what looked like painful desperation. I wanted to pull them apart. I
wanted to kiss this horrible expression away, but I didn’t think it would be enough for her. “There is no competition.” I stared at her. My head was starting to feel light from lack of oxygen. I was having so many emotions at the same time that the vital ones, such as breathing, took a backseat to my suffering. “She’s… persistent.” Tiffany said. “I don’t care!” I said. “Tipani, stop being ridiculous. You’re the only one for me.” “You can say that for now, but can you say with certainly you know exactly what you’ll want in the future?” She asked, her head dropping in an attempt to hide her pained expression from me. I moved her chin up to force her to look at me. It would be too easy to tell her how much I really was thinking about a future with her but I knew that words wouldn’t be strong enough right now. Not even a promise of forever. I couldn’t do anything but stare at her. Action, once and for all, would resolve this. I vowed silently to settle everything the instant I got home. Never again, would I let this expression warp Tiffany’s features.
.. taking a hit for the team ..
My hand dashed across the paper as I scrawled the disconnected words and fragments of emotions that were plaguing me right now. To confess, I’d been hoping my first entry in the diary Tiffany had gotten me for Christmas to be a more cheerful, maybe even cheesy, gushing about how romantic or sexy Tiffany had been. Unfortunately, things hadn’t been going so great. For the first time after returning to Korea after a trip overseas, I actually wished I was still abroad. And while I enjoyed California for its warm weather and laid back culture, it was actually the peace and calm we had there that I missed the most. There was an obvious rift in the house that became more noticeable every day ever since we returned. When Tiffany and I were alone everything was fine, if not better than it was before we went to California. I felt especially bonded to her after making the promise to her father and seeing her actual home life first hand. But around Jessica, I could see she was still very vulnerable. Tiffany seemed to think that she was fooling me but every time she let her guard down I could see the lingering worry in her eyes that I hadn’t been able to do anything about yet.
Our busy schedules had actually separated most of us for now, with dramas and photo shoots, I hadn’t had the chance to get Jessica alone long enough to actually talk to her. She was filming almost every night to meet her obligations before we left for Bangkok. But whenever we met in crossing, Tiffany became more affectionate towards me in Jessica’s presence. She was being very territorial of me and when approached head on by Jessica she was blatantly cold and sometimes even hostile. I didn’t know what to do and I somewhat took the blame for Tiffany’s behavior, as I insisted on handling it myself. It’s not like I could turn around and defend Jessica without knowing her true intentions first, not when Tiffany was so… insecure. But wasn’t going to give Tiffany an avenue to express herself as she wanted to because I knew it would probably result in another screaming match that she might end up regretting. It… hurt to know that my words alone weren’t enough to comfort Tiffany but I wasn’t mad at her, she didn’t do anything wrong. I knew she trusted me but this was about more than just me. It wasn’t exactly jealousy or possessiveness that plotted Tiffany’s warpath. She felt she was being betrayed by someone she considered a sister. In my short experience in relationships, betrayal by someone you trust seems much more difficult to handle than jealousy. If Jessica was really still after me after the warnings she’d received, then Tiffany had every right to be furious. The only difference between Tiffany and me, was that I was still willing to Jessica the benefit of the doubt until I found out one way or the other. Tiffany was already ready to pounce.
On top of everything else, somehow Yuri felt Tiffany’s actions towards Jessica were my fault. Her irritation with me was becoming more obvious with every argument. Jessica, however, didn’t react much towards Tiffany’s behavior; rather, she seemed to be trying to avoid Tiffany altogether. On the outside Jessica seems like a cold person, the “Ice Princess” as she’s dubbed, but she really isn’t one for confrontation and she’s quite sensitive. I would imagine, if this is just a misunderstanding, that all of this is hurting her just as bad as it’s hurting anyone else. What a mess. Did I really cause all of this? My head was pounding from the stress of it all. I leaned back against the couch and exhaled slowly, spinning my pen through my fingers absentmindedly as I thought of what else I wanted to move from my chest to the crisp pages of the diary. “… The other girls don’t seem to want to get involved on either side, which is good. I’m very thankful for Sunny who’s been trying to keep things civil and posit-“ I stopped writing abruptly when Sunny came to sit next to me. She didn’t say anything, but she stared into my eyes very deeply. I smirked, knowing what was coming. “Taeyeon, we need to talk.”
“Do we?” I asked, closing the diary. “…Yes. I’ve been keeping this from you for too long.” She said. I rolled my eyes and ran a hand through my hair, looking at her warily. “I can’t keep playing this charade. I’m in love with you, Kim Taeyeon.” Sunny said. I shook my head at her. Over the past week, Sunny, I assume, had coerced each of the other girls into approaching me when I was alone to ‘confess their love’ to me. A joke, to play up the idea that I suddenly had prowess with women, which I knew Sunny thought was hilarious. It was Sunny’s way of making light of the ‘love triangle’ and it actually gave me the laugh that I needed. Seohyun’s ‘confession’ had been the best, hands down. “Unnie? I need to tell you that I like you very much and you’re a great friend but my mother would be so disappointed in me if there was anything more to it than that, which is understandable. So, I should really just focus on my career.” The maknae managed to say that to me with a straight face and walk away without even waiting for me to say anything in return. I thought Sunny must have forgotten to explain the joke to her properly. I ended up in a fit of laughter just thinking about it. It felt good to laugh again.
“Yah, what’s so funny about my confession?” Sunny said severely. “Sorry, just thought of something.” I smirked, trying to stop laughing. Sunny sighed dramatically, apparently not finished with her confession yet. “Look at this situation, Taeyeon.” “Pretty messed up, right?” I asked. “Just think, it all could’ve been avoided if you weren’t so DAMN IRRESISTABLE.” Sunny held her fists in the air. Her sarcasm and irony were palpable. She always found a way to remind me she still saw me as the nerdy kid I was before I started dating Tiffany. While the statement was hilarious, I had to look around to make sure Tiffany hadn’t heard. She probably wouldn’t find this one very funny right now. “Aigoo, shut up.” I shoved Sunny, laughing nonetheless. “No, seriously, how did this happen?” She asked me. I shook my head and shrugged. How would I even begin answering that? “Is Sica shooting tonight?” I asked. “Yes, until very late.” Sunny nodded. I frowned. This was starting to get ridiculous. I’d have to wait up for her to
get home if I ever wanted to get this over with. “…I spoke to her a little.” Sunny said. I shot daggers at Sunny with my eyes. I had also made her promise not to approach Jessica before I did. “Just small talk!” Sunny said quickly, holding up her hands. “…And?” “And… I think she’s depressed.” Sunny said, drawing her mouth to one side of her face. I ran my palm down my face slowly and sighed. “She seems to think that Yuri doesn’t want her anymore.” I spread my fingers apart to stare at Sunny intensely from between them. That… would be very, very bad. But... “But if Yuri didn’t want her anymore why would she be giving me grief for Tiffany?” I said. “No, that’s ridiculous, Yuri’s still crazy about her.” “Then she needs a kick in the right direction.” Sunny said. “Maybe Yuri gave up, I don’t know, but she’s been distant.” “Aish.” I croaked. “Sunny, why does it feel like we’re in high school?”
Sunny just grinned. “Yah, dinner!” Hyoyeon called from the kitchen. Sunny stood up and held a hand out to me, which I took. We both started walking together to the kitchen when I saw Jessica cross ahead in front of us. I stopped. “You’ve been home?” I asked her, dumbstruck. She came to a complete stop in midstride and looked surprised that I was talking to her. She blinked a few times. “Yeah. I got a break today.” Jessica said, dully. Sunny was right, Jessica did look depressed. Out of makeup, as she was now, I could see dark circles underneath her eyes. She looked even more tired than she usually did, which was hard to imagine with how much she enjoyed sleep. “Oh.” I mashed my lips together. Damn it, if I’d have known… I felt like hitting myself for not actually checking to see if she was here. With impeccable timing, Tiffany’s arms came around me and Jessica walked away emotionlessly. I felt a pit in my stomach that I knew would only grow bigger with the
prospect of this awkward dinner ahead of us. I turned my head to the side to kiss Tiffany’s cheek reassuringly before taking her hand and leading her to the table. Tiffany ended up sitting in between me and Jessica which only made me more nervous. I was glad to see the others were talkative as they came in. I wanted Tiffany to be as distracted as possible so we could get through this without incident. “Did you have a nice nap?” I asked her. Tiffany nodded, still looking tired. “It would have been nicer if you would’ve joined me.” She said in a husky voice, thick with sleep. I patted her hand. “Next time.” “Did you take my fork?” She asked me. I held up my chopsticks and looked at her, then I felt my stomach drop. On the other side of Tiffany I could see Jessica completely frozen beside her, holding a fork in her hand and staring at and additional fork sitting on the other side of her plate. I winced. Tiffany noticed. “Sorry…” Jessica muttered, passing Tiffany the extra fork.
Tiffany paused a moment. I could see her lick her lips and think for a moment before turning her attention back to her own plate. “It’s fine Jessi, I think we all know that you’re usually drawn to things that belong to me.” Tiffany said just loud enough for me to hear. If I heard it, I knew Jessica must have been able to hear it. I was alarmed when I saw Yuri’s head snapped around to glare at us. The others continued talking like nothing had happened. Jessica’s miserable face didn’t even change. Expressionless, she got up from the table and brought her full plate of food to the sink, before excusing herself to her room. I set down my chopsticks and brought my hands to my face. This was probably about as bad as things could have gotten in my mind. The worst case scenario, come to life. “…I’m sorry.” Tiffany whispered. I looked sideways at her and her eyes were wide with remorse. “I wasn’t thinking.” She whispered. “It just came out, it was too much, I know.” Yuri stood when Jessica entered the living room again, her purse slung over her shoulder and her sunglasses already on. I suspected she put them on early for a reason.
She stared after Jessica looking heartbroken, but Jessica didn’t spare any of us a glance before walking out the front door. Yuri turned to us, visibly shaking. Her fists were balled up so tight that I almost considered getting up to stand between her and Tiffany. She sighed loudly before leaving the room. Funny, how out of everything that had just happened in the last minute, Yuri’s haughty sigh had been the trigger to capture everyone else’s attention. “What happened?” Yoona asked. I shook my head, throwing my napkin onto the table before walking to my own room. I heard Tiffany call me but I didn’t respond. I expected her to follow me. I needed her to, we definitely needed to talk. I sat on the bed, and not much longer she came into the room, closing the door and walking slowly to me before coming to rest on her knees in front of me. She stared up into my face trying to gauge my expression. I hated seeing her look so devastated but at the same time I was glad she knew what she did was wrong. “I’m so sorry.” She said. She looked like she was going to cry. “Fany-ah, you said you’d let me handle it.” I said evenly. “I know.” Pain flashed in her face. “I think you really hurt her.” I said. I couldn’t keep the disappointment off
my face as much as I tried. I felt so bad for Jessica. “I… I need to go apologize to her.” Tiffany said, standing up. I grabbed her wrists. “Tipani, let me handle it.” I nodded slowly. “But Tae-“ “No.” I shook my head. “I’ll take care of Jessica. When everything is straightened out, I will let you know and you can make your peace, okay?” I was talking more like a leader than a lover and I could tell Tiffany noticed my tone was off. She sat beside me and took my elbow, looking at me closer. “…Are we okay, Tae?” Her voice shook. “Omo, we’re fine Fany-ah.” I said exhaustedly. “This whole situation just… has really just taken it out of me, you know?” “Yeah… I do.” She said. “I’m sorry I’ve been so-” “I know it’s not you talking, love.” I said, waving a hand in the air. “We’ll get this fixed, don’t worry.” “I shouldn’t have woken up.” She frowned, crawling up to her pillow and falling flat on her stomach. I rubbed her back.
I yawned loudly “I’ll take you up on that nap now.” I mumbled, coming to rest beside her. “Tell me you love me.” She spoke against the mattress. “I’ll always love you.” I said automatically, letting my eyes close. “Don’t worry so much.” When I opened my eyes again, it was dark in the room. I didn’t even remember falling asleep. It was just past midnight and I knew I’d gone to bed so early that my entire sleeping pattern would be disrupted for days to come now. Tiffany was still asleep beside me, rolled onto her side with her hand just centimeters from where mine was. She looked so gorgeous underneath the moonlight; her beautiful features were highlighted and popped out at me with every deep breath she took. I watched her sleep for a long time thinking about the day’s events and how even though that altercation we had was the closest thing we’ve had to having a real fight since we became a couple. First fight… It took us four months to get here. I slept off all the irritation I felt towards Tiffany. All there was left to do was fix the problem and I knew we could avoid having this happen again. I heard the front door open and close gently and I had to actually think for a long time who would be coming or leaving so late when realization struck me.
Jessica. Here’s my chance. I looked once more at Tiffany before slipping out of the bed. Jessica was moving slowly in the kitchen, using the refrigerator as her only source of light. I could tell by her slumped shoulders and bowlegged stance that she must have been completely worn out. I flipped the light on in the kitchen. Jessica looked around before spotting me. Her mouth became a line but her expression remained blank. “Are you okay?” I asked her. “…Hell of a day.” She said. “Do you want me to heat something up for you? There are leftovers.” I pushed the fridge door open wider to bend down beside her and pull out the containers. “Thanks.” She said, pulling a chair out and collapsing into it. In silence, I prepared her plate, putting it into the microwave and waiting beside it while it hummed. Jessica was staring at the table. I frowned. “Sica, can we talk?” I asked her. She didn’t react until the microwave beeped, her head jerking back before looking up at me.
“Are you allowed to talk to me?” She asked. “Yes…” I said, ignoring her insinuation and grabbing some utensils, crossing the kitchen and putting the plate in front of her. I pulled out the chair beside her and sat down. “I don’t know what to talk about.” She said. She became ravenous with her food and I let her eat. I wondered if she’d gone the whole night without a meal. “You said you needed to talk to me when I was in California.” I said, finally. “Oh yeah.” She said. Her eyes scanned my face slowly. “It’s nothing.” “Come on.” I said, smirking. If it was nothing, I wouldn’t have to have this little chat with her. Did she not even realize what that text message had caused? “It’s just… you were right.” She said, her eyes falling back to the table. “Mm?” “Yuri-ah. I waited too long.” She said, her lips becoming tighter. “No, I think you’re wrong about that.” I nodded. I felt pure relief run through my veins. It had been about Yuri, and not me, all along. “But… she doesn’t. I mean-“
“She’s not shadowing you anymore?” “… Yeah.” Jessica said. “Maybe she thought you didn’t like it. Maybe she’s trying a different approach.” I said, reasonably. “… Maybe she changed her mind about me.” I shook my head. Jessica’s eyes were getting moist. “Hey…” I frowned. She wiped her eyes. “I’m just over tired.” She said, standing up. I stood up with her and she looked into my eyes again. I raised an eyebrow when I saw her lip quiver. “Come here.” I said, opening my arms. The flood gates were released. Jessica went from completely dry to sobbing openly in my arms in less than five minutes. It was a combination of things I imagined. Being starved and exhausted on top of the hostility and confusion she had been dealing with overwhelmed her. “Shh… you’re going to wake up the whole dorm.” I said, rubbing her back I held her there for a long time. She clutched me tightly, trying to steady her
breathing. Right when I had the thought about what Tiffany might do if she caught me sneaking out of bed and embracing Jessica in the kitchen in the middle of the night, I felt somebody else’s presence. I moved Jessica aside to find Yuri glaring at me as if I’d done something so bad that she couldn’t believe me. I glared back at her until Jessica noticed. I didn’t really have any sympathy for Yuri. If she wasn’t such a coward in the first place, we may not have had all this conflict. “Sorry if I woke you.” Sica said, not looking Yuri in the face. I narrowed my eyes in thought. What could I do to make Yuri spill her feelings to Jessica? “Don’t worry about it.” Yuri muttered, still eyeing me as she turned back for her bedroom. “Yuri, if I ever see you look at Tiffany like you’re going to hit her again, I’ll make you regret it.” I said quickly. I’m not sure what made me say it, or how it would help my case, I was just certain I needed to keep her here. We needed this resolved now. Yuri turned slowly on the spot and looked absolutely livid. “I wasn’t going to hit her.” She said between her teeth. “I don’t care. You could have scared her.” I glared back.
“Well, you need to tell her to watch her mouth.” “I’m not responsible for her actions, Yuri.” I said. Yuri walked slowly into the kitchen, through me and Jessica and had me backed up against the front door. “If I ever see either of you bullying up on Jessica again, I’ll make you regret it.” She looked down at me threateningly. I steadied the excitement in my eyes. This was exactly what I wanted her to do. Yuri tends to have a loose lip when she’s angry. She wasn’t yet angry enough though. I laughed sarcastically, trying to spur her on. “Yah, Yuri why are you even bothering defending her? You can’t even look at her. Actually, I thought you gave up on her.” I smirked up at her. Jessica twitched behind Yuri. She mouthed, ‘What are you doing?’ I tried to signal her to stay quiet. “That’s none of your business.” Yuri rolled her eyes and started to walk away. “Well it is to Sica, isn’t it?” I asked, following behind her. She stopped in the living room abruptly and I almost ran into her. “Stay out of it.” She warned.
“Kwon Yuri, you didn’t want me to stay out of it when you followed me around for advice, did you?!” I pointed at her. “Did you take any of my advice? No.” Yuri looked the maddest I’d ever seen her. Subconsciously, I took a step back from her. She started to walk away without another word. “…Yeah, walk away. Jessica can do better.” I was disappointed. I really thought I could make Yuri snap and release her feelings in front of Jessica as if she’d forgotten the latter was still here listening. When I turned, I saw Jessica was frozen with wide eyes in the kitchen. I pouted a little, and opened my mouth to say something but Jessica made a sudden movement towards me, and it alerted me that someone was near me. Yuri spun me around to face her by my wrist. I took note of how cheesy this move was. It was straight out of a classic Kdrama and was highly parodied for being over the top. I actually had a smirk on my face until I felt something sting my face. I heard Jessica gasp loudly and before I knew it I was flat on my back. The part that surprised me the most was the sound it made when she slapped me, like it was out of a movie. I looked up at Yuri who looked shocked at herself. Her hand was still open in midair where it connected with my face. I sat up and touched my face. It felt warm at the place of impact.
“… Omo…” Yuri said to herself, nervously. “Why did you make me do that, Taeyeon!?” I grinned at this absurdity, knowing I probably deserved to get hit. Just the idea of Yuri hitting anyone… I couldn’t help finding it funny. I was the lamb teasing the lion and I got what was coming to me, but Yuri still wasn’t talking. Jessica was rooted to the spot, staring at Yuri incredulously. “Truth hurts?” I asked, getting back to my feet. “That’s not the truth.” Yuri shook her head. “Really? Jessica can’t do any better than you?” I asked, folding my arms. “…She probably could. But nobody else would-“ Yuri broke off, looking self conscious. I wondered if she just realized Jessica was still here. Her eyes fell to the ground. “Would what?” I said skeptically, shoved Yuri’s shoulder, hoping I wasn’t going to get slapped again. “Nobody would treat her as well as me!” Yuri said, the ferocity returning to her face. I stepped backwards away from her, out of arms reach. “You don’t know a thing about me, Taeyeon!” I laughed outwardly and Yuri’s fists balled up again. “Oh, yeah. Okay Yuri.” I said, doubtfully.
“I wouldn’t take Jessica for granted, at least. Not like you.” Yuri said. “You’re such a fickle friend to her. I’d take care of her and our friendship wouldn’t fade because of awkwardness. I don’t understand what she sees in you!” My face softened. I’d achieved what I wanted out of the obvious cruelty I showed her tonight. She was on a tangent about Jessica now and she seemed unable to shut herself up. “…And I don’t even care that she can’t cook, I’ll cook for both of us! She’s a beautiful… sweet loving person and you treat her so coldly. It makes me so mad!” We stared at each other. Yuri was breathing deeply from her passionate monologue and I just smiled at her. Jessica was walking up slowly behind her. Her hand landed on Yuri’s rib cage, making her jump. Yuri gazed down at Jessica with wide eyes. “…Did you mean all that?” Jessica asked, her lip curling. Yuri blinked rapidly. “…Y-Yes.” Jessica’s entire face softened. She used a hand to on Yuri’s shoulder to pull herself up and leave a long kiss on Yuri’s cheek, near her neck. Yuri stopped breathing altogether. Jessica was walking up to me now. “Thank you, Taeyeon-ah.” She beamed at me, throwing her arms around me. “Goodnight.”
“Yep, goodnight.” I said, hugging her back. Jessica started walking towards her room, turning around once more to smile at Yuri. Yuri stared after her completely dumbfounded. “You tricked me, kid?” Yuri asked me. “That whole thing was a set up?” I smiled sheepishly at her. “Aigoo, Taeyeon-ssi, I’m sorry I hit you…-“ “Yuri-ah.” Jessica said, standing outside of her door. Both of our heads turned to her. Jessica beamed and tilted her head to the side cutely before beckoning Yuri to join her. I grinned, patting Yuri on the shoulder. “Sleep well.” “…G-Goodnight.” Yuri said, walking unsteadily after Jessica. I sighed happily, feeling pounds and pounds of stress roll off my back. I took a step into the kitchen and cleaned Jessica’s plate for her. Tiffany had been very wrong about Jessica’s intentions. I really couldn’t wait to tell her… after all this I hoped Jessica and Tiffany would get along nicely when all the proper apologies were out of the way and finally things could go back to normal. Out of a nine person girl group, four of us now had more than friendly
relations with each other. Whether we were a product of a forced lifestyle or it was just plain ironic, I couldn’t decide. I dried my hands on a towel and started walking towards my own room when I heard Jessica’s door open on the other side of the house again. My heart dropped, I immediately thought something had gone wrong but instead of Yuri or Jessica leaving, an entire bed comforter complete with pillows and legs started walking down the hall towards me. I put my hands out to stop it before it collided with me. It struggled for a moment and an arm emerged, freeing a head. Sunny glared at me. “Looks like I’ll have to move again.” She said, dryly. “What…? They aren’t… doing anything are they?” I asked with wide eyes. “Nothing bad. I just can’t sleep over the kissing.” Sunny grumbled. I smirked, stopping at my door and watched her approach Yoona’s. “Taeyeon.” Sunny turned. “No sex tonight, please. I’m really tired.” I pouted sardonically. I wondered if she was awake enough to realize how funny that sounded, to be saying that to me. “I’m serious. I’m right next door and if you wake me up I’ll kill you.” She said, entering Yoona’s room.
“Yes, dear.” I chuckled, entering my own room. I smiled, feeling lighter than air, locking the door behind me. Tiffany was curled up into a ball now facing away from my side of the bed. I got in next to her gently and peered over her shoulder. It looked like there were wet streaks running down her pillow. I touched them, still wet. Had she been having a bad dream, or did she happen to wake up when I wasn’t here and assume the worst? It was the first time we ever fell asleep together on anything but exemplary terms. The ‘fight’ we had today hardly even seemed valid anymore, like it was forgotten because of the changed circumstance. I crawled on top of Tiffany while she was still asleep. She had to know what I knew, now. She began to stir and I put my face to hers, pulling back when I felt wetness on her cheek. “Omo, why are you crying Fany-ah?” I whispered. “What are you doing?” She whined, pushing me away. “Fany-ahhh..” I laughed, shaking her to wake her up completely. “Open your eyes for me.” “I don’t want to.” She sobbed. My mouth dropped open. “What’s wrong?!” I asked. “Don’t break up with me.” Tiffany begged.
I gaped at her. Her eyes opened and I assumed then that it wasn’t a dream at all. “I was so horrible to her.” Tiffany lamented. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I wouldn’t want to be with me either.” She said. “I’ll never leave you.” I said. “Where did you go?” She asked, sniffing. “I took care of everything, baby. Jessica and Yuri, I think they’re getting together. Sica didn’t want me after all.” I said, fixing Tiffany’s hair. “…but that makes me feel even worse. I was mean to her for no reason.” “You were just being my... sweet... defensive… beautiful girlfriend.” I said simply. “Honestly, if someone came after you I’d probably go ballistic.” Tiffany half smiled. “Fany-ah, I like that you protect me.” I said. “Maybe you go a little overboard sometimes but we can handle that. You make me feel safe. “ I’d much rather have her be over protective than not care if I was running around with other girls, that’s for sure. “So you’re not mad at me?” She asked.
“Nope.” “But I bet Jessica won’t talk to me ever again.” I grinned. “I have a feeling Jessica is going to be in a very good mood tomorrow morning, you can talk to her then. It’ll be fine.”
“Oh, Taeyeon-ah.” Tiffany said, letting her head fall back. She sighed heavily. “I was so worried.”
“I told you not to worry so much.”
“I love you so much. Have you ever thought about… I mean when I think about losing you it makes me crazy.” She said.
I pulled myself up to be eyelevel with her and pecked her lips softly. They tasted salty from her tears.
“I love you too, but you need to trust me.” I said.
Tiffany nodded
“Kissu.” I said. And she pecked me.
“Again.” I commanded. Tiffany’s eye smile returned.
She kissed me more deliberately this time, letting her arms fall around my lower back. She lifted her entire lower body to adjust herself and I winked at her.
“And just what are you doing down there?” I asked, glancing down her body and back up at her face.
“Your hip was stabbing me.” She chuckled.
“Is that what they call it now?” I asked, rolling my own hips into hers a few times, dropping my lips to her jaw.
“Don’t even try it.” She said. “I heard Sunny."
I sputtered incoherently.
"No sex, that doesn't mean we cant just... be a little playful?" I asked hopefully.
"Let's just cuddle, Tae." She said.
Wow, I thought, talk about roll reversal..
Damn it, Sunny. -------------------------------
I had an early schedule the next morning with Seohyun at MBC. Tiffany, it turned out, would be missing my debut on Music Core, which kind of left me gutted but there was nothing I could do. Sooner than I’d hoped, we’d be separated by oceans once again when she went to England. Having experienced this before, I wasn’t really worried. I knew we’d get through it. And I was going to be pretty busy as it was preparing for my own drama.
I was up early enough to watch Yuri and Jessica’s morning behavior. Jessica looked like a completely different person compared to yesterday in terms of her health and vibrancy and Yuri was all smiles.
Happy ending, I thought smugly. I wondered if I could take credit for it.
As for MBC, the producer just wanted to give us a quick rundown of what to expect. It was nothing out of the ordinary in hosting shows. Everything was scripted and basically we just had to show up and not mess up the lines. Be funny, interact with one another, act cute, look pretty. Easy stuff. He didn’t bother going over the script with us for this week’s show yet, insisting we’d just come in for a few readings when we returned to the country.
After we met with him our job was to pack and wait for Jessica to get home so we could board a plane to Bangkok for our next concert.
Our… last concert in the second tour of Asia.
It did sadden me a little to know we’d never perform this exact set, as I enjoyed it immensely, and I hoped someday I would get to share the stage with just Tiffany again. The thing I hated about not promoting new music or touring was that it meant we’d be off on our own doing our own things. I didn’t like being separated. Even though we just came back not even four months ago I already wanted to release another album and start over again.
When I was finished packing I ended up on the internet. It’d been a while since I last took a look at what our fans were saying about ‘Taeny’. I swear some of the pictures they get of us are absolutely hilarious. I still don’t know how we get away with being so obvious sometimes.
Yuri came to sit beside me while I was grinning, laptop on my lap. I looked at her.
I closed the computer without dropping my gaze.
“So? How was your night?” I asked, elbowing her.
Yuri became a light show before my eyes, turning from red to purple as the blood filled her face, her wide mouthed smile practically spanning the entire surface of her head.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She asked, shyly.
“Come on.” I nudged her again.
“I’ll never tell…”
I put my head on her shoulder. I wasn’t really satisfied with that answer. This was my first time playing observer on the outside of a relationship now. In a way, I could understand how people took to us so quickly after we got together. It was nice finally seeing Yuri happy again. She was being very cute and while it wasn’t like me to impede on other people’s personal lives, I couldn’t help myself.
“Yuri-ah, I woke up with a hand print on my face.” I smirked.
“Omo! Does it hurt?” Yuri asked, sitting up straight.
“No, but Tiffany was pretty mad. I think I saved your life.” I nodded.
“Oh gosh, I really owe you one.” Yuri said. “I’m sorry.”
“…Yes you do. Yah, so how was your night last night, Yuri?” I picked my head up to grin at her.
I’ll admit it was kind of evil to try and guilt it out of her.
“That’s not fair, Taengoo.”
“Just one little thing?” I bit my lip.
“Well…” She sized me up. “You can’t tell.”
“Of course.”
“… Sica’s a really good kisser.” Yuri giggled.
She looked like a child, it was adorable.
“You asked her out, right?”
She nodded.
“She said, ‘I thought you’d never ask.’” Yuri swooned.
“I don’t blame her, I didn’t think you would either.” I laughed.
“It’s fun, isn’t it?” Yuri asked. “It changes everything.”
I nodded and quoted my mother.
“There’s more to life than your career.”
“Exactly!” Yuri clapped. “That’s what I’ve been thinking about. There’s happiness that comes from success and this is just in a whole new category.”
“Yep.”
“It’s nice to be able to understand you better now.” She said.
Tiffany pulled her suitcase to the front door in plain sight of us, bending over and unzipping its smallest compartment to slip a last minute item into it.
I didn’t need Yuri to nudge me; my attention was already on Tiffany’s amazing butt in those
tight jeans.
“We’re… very lucky girls, aren’t we?” Yuri asked in an undertone.
Tiffany turned around and winked at me happily before walking back to the bedroom.
“…I tell myself that every single day.”
.. my fany valentine ..
I leaned against the window and let my body absorb every single bump in the road the van took. The finale of our tour in Bangkok had been surprisingly sentimental for me. Even as much as my body ached, as bad my as feet hurt, as sore was my throat was, nothing compared to the empty feeling I felt in my heart knowing it was over. Thai Sones found their own unique way to touch us with a surprise message that eventually erupted into a paper airplane fight. It was elegant and surprisingly beautiful. It reminded me of Seohyun flying her own paper airplane in our debut video. The nostalgia left me somber. “Tae…?” I looked into Tiffany’s face. She looked just as tired as I felt.
“Are you okay?” I nodded and gave an automatic smile. After getting back to Korea, I’d only have a day with her before she left me for the UK. That didn’t spur on my spirit. “… like this audience was really into it.” Sooyoung’s animated analysis from the front seat caught my attention. “I could really feel their energy, you know?” “Do you think you’ll ever get used to it?” Hyoyeon asked. “I mean, did you guys know they were going to hold up messages?” She looked around the car at everyone. I shook my head. “I won’t.” Sooyoung said. “Even if it happened a hundred times, they’ll never stop surprising me.” “Yah.” Sunny grinned. “Did you see how they reacted to Yuri and Jessica?” Frantic clapping filled my ears from beside me. I smirked. Jessica and Yuri had taken an earlier flight to make it more bearable to fulfill their filming schedules tomorrow. “They need to learn restraint.” Yoona said. “It was their first outing.” Sooyoung grinned. “Sica looked a little
embarrassed.” “Oh please, they’ve been shipped for years.” Hyoyeon said. “It’s different when you know there’s truth behind it.” Tiffany interjected. “Yeah, but you guys have no shame.” Sunny turned around to look at us. “What’s there to be ashamed of?” I asked. “We’re used to it.” Tiffany said. I nodded. Sunny nodded. “You’re professionals.” “Every couple is different.” Sooyoung said. “Yeah, and speaking of which, you should move in with me, Yoona. Then the couples will have their own side of the dorm.” Sunny grinned. Spectacular. If Yuri and Jessica prove to be loud neighbors, words will be said. On the other hand, it only seemed fair to everyone else. It’s just a shame, because I know how thin the walls are. When our schedules get going again I know the only time Tiffany and I will have together will be at night. Weird, how the thought of Yoona or Yuri overhearing my private time with Tiffany didn’t bother me much until Jessica was thrown into the equation. Tiffany sighed heavily, leaning her head into mine.
“Tired…” She murmured. “You’ve got a rough week ahead.” I sympathized. “I’ll get through it.” Tiffany smiled weakly. We came to a stop. Break lights ahead of us illuminated Tiffany’s face in red, softening the circles around her eyes and making her look absolutely flawless once more. I stared, my mouth hanging open idly, partially because I knew it would be too much effort to move my head again. She smiled wider, forcing me to grin. “I wish we could stay the night at least.” Yoona said. “Yes, we should be celebrating tonight.” Sooyoung lamented. I hardly thought the end of a tour was cause for celebration. “We can party when we get home.” Sunny said I decidedly wasn’t going to participate Tiffany smiled at the contradiction in my face. “Wow.” Sooyoung said, leaning towards her window. I finally sat up straight to see what the fuss was. The airport was swarming with Thai Sones, flying their banners and shaking their glow sticks at us as if they’d just left the concert and happened to beat us here. I could still see
paper airplanes being thrown. Even through the thick glass it sounded like pandemonium outside. Somebody must have caught a glimpse of us. Our staff were on their phones immediately, trying to assess the situation and get as much security as they could ahead of us. In other words, we probably wouldn’t be leaving the van for a while. I stared out them blankly, my tired eyes becoming easily dazzled by the flashes of their cameras. Tiffany took my hand and pulled it into her lap. I felt her playing with my fingers individually. I turned to watch her; she was tracing them individually with her own finger, followed gently behind with her thumb. She looked completely enthralled. I wanted to kiss her, but I knew I couldn’t. “Alright, no messing around. We’re going straight for the gate to avoid incident. Don’t fall behind.” Thomas said, before getting out to open our door. Tiffany reluctantly let go of my hand while we waited for the others to get out before us. “Tae…?” “Mm?” “Let’s make the most of tomorrow.” I nodded. “We should always do that. Let’s get you to the plane where you can sleep, you poor thing.”
I stepped into the cold night air assessing the situation, Tiffany close behind me, clutching to the back of my jacket to steady herself. The screams of a hundred fans rang in my ears and at that moment I knew it didn’t matter that I was drained. I smiled and waved, borrowing from their energy just to make it through. -------------------------------------------The last thing I remembered was dragging a lifeless Tiffany into our room. We didn’t even make it into Korea until 9 in the morning, it was like a sleepwalking convention to even get inside the dorms. I collapsed onto the bed and felt nothing, completely blacking out. When I woke up, everything about my room felt wrong to me. The position of the sun outside indicated that I’d slept most of the day away but more importantly, apart from myself my bed was empty. I sat up and looked around everywhere for Tiffany, wondering where she could have gone without waking me, without even saying goodbye. I stumbled out of bed and found a note on our desk. Tae, I’ve got some things to take care of. Will be home soon, I promise! Xoxo Fany My shoulders slumped. Was this her idea of making the best of the time we had? I crumpled it and dropped it in the trash on the way out of the room. I ran my finger along the texture of the wall lifelessly as I walked down the hall.
“Hi Unnie.” Seohyun greeted me. “Hi…” I said, staring at her. The maknae looked perfect. Her makeup was absolutely flawless and she was a very modest but stunning deep blue dress. She was brushing her already perfect hair and walked around the kitchen island to return to her room. I stood before her feeling unworthy with my hair everywhere in lopsided pajama pants and a baggy t-shirt that I knew had an ice cream stain on it. “…Where are you going?” I asked, following after her. “Um… I’m meeting a friend.” She said. I blinked at her. “In that?” I motioned to her outfit. “Yes.” She said, simply. Hyoyeon stopped me at their door with a hand on my shoulder. Seohyun walked ahead. “Have you paid the toll?” Hyoyeon asked. I blinked at her. “Do you want to die?” I asked. Hyoyeon looked at me threateningly. I poked her in the stomach and she dissolved, grinning and falling back onto her bed. I flicked her in the
forehead as I walked passed. I heard Sooyoung snicker on the other side of the room where she was in her bed. “What friend are we talking about?” I asked Seohyun, standing behind her. “Just a friend.” She said. She turned around to walk somewhere else but I stepped in front of her. “What friend?” I asked, squinting up at her. Seohyun’s facial expressions have always been very subtle. She stared down at me blankly, hesitating just a fraction of a second too long. “I’m not allowed to go out?” She asked, laughing softly and sidestepping me. I turned around and watched her go, feeling that she was trying to keep something from me. Sooyoung motioned for me to come close to her and I crossed the room and knelt down beside her. “Yonghwa.” She whispered, grinning. My eyes popped out. “Really?!” Seohyun reappeared, sifting through her purse. “Seohyun-ah!” I said, throwing my arms around her. “You look so beautiful.” “… Thank you, Unnie.” She said
“Could it be that our beautiful maknae is going out with a boy today?” I asked. Seohyun halted in place, looking at me blankly. “Maybe one particular boy that I think she would be very cute with?” “…Unnniiie.” She whimpered. “I’m not going to say a word.” I said, holding my hands up. She watched me as I quietly sat on the end of Hyoyeon’s bed and just watched her. She looked like she was ready to go, just fitting a few last minute things she might need into her purse. “I’ll be back later.” She eventually said, heading down the hall. “Have fun.” Sooyoung said after her. I just beamed at her. “Yah, wait!” I got up and hung my head out of the doorway, she turned to look at me. “If that boy does anything stupid, you slap him, Seohyun!” I heard Sooyoung burst into laughter beside me. Seohyun turned slowly away from me; even at a distance I could see her going pink.
“So cute.” I said, jumping into Sooyoung’s bed beside her. “That’s out of the blue though isn’t it?” “… You know what today is, right?” Sooyoung asked. “Huh?” I looked at her stupidly. “…Taeyeon, it’s Valentine’s day.” Sooyoung looked at me, her eyes bugging out. “You didn’t forget did you?” Holy… “…Oh…” I breathed. Did that have something to do with Tiffany’s absence? My thought was cut short when I was suddenly yanked to my feet by the back of my shirt. “Yah!” I screamed. “Come on! We have to get you something to give Fany, I won’t allow you to fight-“ “Stop it!” I said, slapping her hand. “Tipani didn’t want me to do anything. She said Valentine’s Day was hers.” “Fine.” She said, slowly sitting back down and staring at me as if she didn’t quite believe me.
Sooyoung, I felt, lived vicariously through my relationship with Tiffany in some ways. She’d always remind me of our monthly anniversaries and other important occasions like this. I would always find Sooyoung pushing me to be sweet whenever I could. “So wait… does that mean Seohyun’s really going on a date?” I asked. Hyoyeon nodded. “She said that she’s going on a date?” I gawped at her. “No.” Hyoyeon said. “But… it’s Valentine’s day, it’s obviously a date.” Sooyoung said. “It’s a date.” I agreed. “But… does she know it’s a date?” Hyoyeon started laughing loudly. Sooyoung shrugged. “She’s so adorable.” I said, shaking my head. Our youngest had shown no interest in boys for the longest time. I wondered if that was finally starting to change now since she’d met Yonghwa, who she ‘married’ in a TV show. Personally, I’d love to see them really start dating. From what I’ve seen of him he’s a respectable gentleman and I would like to see Seohyun happy, if she’s ready. “Do you know what Fany’s doing for you?” Sooyoung asked me. I shrugged.
“I do.” She smiled. “But you won’t tell me.” I assumed. “Correct.” Sooyoung nodded. I stood up slowly, stooping down to pick up a pillow that had fallen off the end of her bed. I launched at her quickly, hitting her square in the face before running out the door, leaving Sooyoung’s yell behind me. I broke stride right before I came to the kitchen, smiling to myself at my excellent accuracy. I almost walked right by the kitchen towards my room when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Jessica and Yuri were locked in a tight embrace right in front of the door. I paused to watch them. Once I saw them there, I just couldn’t look away. Yuri and Jessica were much more private about their affection than Tiffany and myself were. It was the standard way a brand new couple operated, seemingly attached at the lips. They couldn’t stop touching one another, Jessica on the tips of her toes reaching around Yuri’s neck, trying to pull herself closer. It was such a sweet exchange. I was so happy know Jessica this content with Yuri, even though I couldn’t see it on either of their faces. I could see it in their body language. Not even sparing a centimeter apart from one another. I remembered when Tiffany and I were like that. “… I’ll try and get home early.” Yuri said softly.
This only made Jessica kiss her more urgently. I smiled to myself and continued to my room, leaving them in privacy. Watching them had made me miss Tiffany so much. How was I the one that ended up alone for most of Valentine’s Day? I stared around blankly at the messy room and decided whatever she had planned for us tonight, she’d probably want me showered and ready when she got home. I grabbed one of my favorite black dresses out of the closet and took it into me with the bathroom, along with some undergarments. I frowned at myself in the mirror as I undressed, wondering what I could do to make myself look better for Tiffany, turning this way and that, assessing every part of my body and while the water was running, I hung the dress up on the back of the door went back into my room to exchange my normal bra for a pushup bra. I nearly ran into Jessica on the way back to the bathroom. “Sorry.” She said, smiling vaguely. “No worries.” I said, “Hey?” She turned around halfway into Yuri’s room. “Everything’s… going well?” I asked. She took a few steps back towards me and smiled serenely.
“It’s wonderful.” She said. “That’s great.” I smiled. “Have you had a chance to talk to Tiffany yet?” “Ah… no.” She pouted a little. “And I probably won’t until she gets back since you guys will be gone tonight.” …We’ll be gone tonight? “I know she really wants to talk to you.” I entered the bathroom without missing a beat. “She still feels terrible.” I closed the door and was immediately consumed by the hot steam the faucet was producing. I pulled my shirt over my head and stepped out of my pants wondering what Jessica meant by that she said. Was Tiffany taking me out? Where could we possibly go? There’s no way we could go dressed up to a restaurant on Valentine’s day, much less be seen out in public together. It would be far too obvious. So what did Jessica’s slip up mean? I slid back the glass door and stepped into the shower. The hot water felt incredible on my sore muscles. I stood for a long time just letting it run over me, from my head, down my back, my breasts, my stomach... Physically, I still felt so tired. The heat penetrated me, deep down into my bones. I leaned my head against the shower tilting the spout towards my body and knowing the only thing that kept me awake now was the prospect of Tiffany coming home.
It gave me a reason to hurry through it, deciding I didn’t want her to wait for me if she happened to come home. I pulled the dress on and walked into my room, brushing my hair at the same time, thinking maybe I shouldn’t wear heels. It may make her feel like I’m expecting her to take me out somewhere nice. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to spoil her surprise. After my hair was pulled up and my makeup was perfect I slipped into some flats. I turned to my purse and only then did I notice there was a single long stemmed red rose inside of it. I knew for a fact this hadn’t been here before my shower. I stared at it, pulling it out of my purse slowly. I’ve been to more countries that I could count. I’ve been on live television, I’ve won awards, signed autographs, even been swarmed in airports but I have never received roses from a lover before. I always dreamed of receiving something so sweet and traditional for myself, when I allowed myself to dream of such things. When you’re a little girl thinking about what love is, things like roses and candy and hearts are the gestures that symbolize it to you. I held onto those images as I got older. Roses, to me, are a symbol of romance in its purest form. I smelled it, a smile parting my face, and noticed then there was a tag tied to the bottom of the stem. #1. Your eyes. I get no greater feeling of satisfaction from gazing into your deep eyes and
seeing the unmistakable love and affection you have for me. I love watching them melt and become softer when you look at me, like molten chocolate. They’re so deep and beautiful; they break down every one of my barriers. I can feel you stare into my soul every time you look at me, Tae. Even over the years, my heart still flutters just as strongly now as it did the first time you looked at me. Sunny. I panted, my mouth hanging open. I tried to reread it but my eyes were blinking too rapidly. …Wh-what is this? Wherever Tiffany was, I wanted to see her now. I figured since there were random roses appearing in my bedroom that she had to be close by. I flung my door open and stomped out into the living room. Sunny was sitting on the couch but I didn’t see anybody else. I started walking down the other hallway towards the other rooms. “Yah!” Sunny called. “Is Tipani here?” I asked her. When I finally turned to her, I noticed she was also holding a rose. I gaped at her. Sunny smiled softly at me. “You don’t get it, do you?” She asked me, getting off the couch.
I just watched as she held the tag on the first rose up to my face for me to see again. She pointed to the bottom. “It says ‘Sunny’.” She smirked. “And I have this for you.” She said, handing me the other rose. I hadn’t even noticed the name at the bottom. I took it from her and read it greedily without a word. #2 Your smile. If there’s one thing in the entire world that can help me get through a bad day, it’s knowing that you’ll be there to help me no matter how horrible the outcome might be. Your smile is my safe haven. When I see it, I know everything’s going to be okay. When you smile at me, I get a warm feeling all over that I simply cannot describe. I can’t help but to smile, too. Let’s continue smiling together for a very long time. Sooyoung. “Omo…” I breathed, my hand coming up to my chest. “You understand right? Now you go to Sooyoung.” Sunny asked. She touched my face and I looked at her, unable to form a sentence. “Are you going to cry?” She asked, smiling. “…Maybe.” I whimpered.
Sunny put her arms around me. “You know, I make fun of you a lot, but I’m very, very happy for you Taeyeon.” She said, patting my shoulder. “I know.” I said, bringing the roses to my face. “But where’s Fany?” Sunny started pushing me down the hall. “Sooyoung’s next. Just follow the trail, kid.” I hobbled unsteadily into Sooyoung’s room and she immediately made eye contact with me, vacating her bed. “Are you okay?” She asked, grinning. I just nodded. This whole concept was starting to make sense to me. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. She handed me the next rose and stood beside me, petting my hair while I read it. #3 Your lips. Yes, I dedicated an entire card to your lips. Kim Taeyeon, you have the sweetest, softest most incredible lips in the whole entire world. Sometimes, I have to go hours, even days, without them and it’s almost unbearable. When I leave tomorrow and I’m gone for days again, I will be thinking about your touch, your scent and most of all your incredible lips. It makes it easier to know I can come home to them. Aigoo, girl, kissing you makes my head spin.^^ Hyoyeon. I laughed.
“Did you read this?” I asked Sooyoung. “No.” She said. “Good.” I grinned. “You’re redder than a tomato.” She said. I laughed again, walking to Hyoyeon and taking the rose from her. #4 Your personality. It baffles me how you can go from a nearly unapproachable goddess to a dorky kid without missing a beat. You’re everything I need you to be, when I need you to be it. If I’m down, you make me laugh. If I step out of line you’re patient with me. You take care of me when you know I’m struggling. When I need release, you bring me satisfaction. I thought my nose might have started bleeding. You’re the greatest person I’ve ever known and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love you Taeyeon. Keep going, you’ll find me soon. Jessi. “For the record, I totally read that.” Hyoyeon said, holding up a hand. Sooyoung glared at her. “What?! I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.” Hyoyeon said.
Of all people she could have given this card to… But it didn’t really bother me. I was too happy to care. Sooyoung sniffed beside me. “…I read it too, over your shoulder.” She said, wiping tears. “Oh god.” I said, pulling Sooyoung into a hug. “It’s just so romantic.” She whimpered. I patted her on the shoulder awkwardly. “Go.” She said, waving me off. “Enjoy your day.” I pulled their door shut behind me and floated down the hall, lining up the roses to form the beginning of a bouquet. I couldn’t believe my luck. Really, I must have done something very good in the past to bring Tiffany into my life. I knew Tiffany wanted to talk to Jessica, I was only hoping now more than ever that she was in the room with her. As much as I liked this game, I ached to see her. I knocked on Jessica’s door, and she opened it, looking at me inquisitively. “Yes?” She asked. I stared blankly at her and held up the roses I’d accumulated. Her face went soft.
“…Are those for me?” She asked. “Uhh.” I choked. “Oh god, I’m kidding.” She burst into laughter. “…The look on your face.” I grinned in spite of myself. Jessica was back. “Here.” She said, handing me the rose. She leaned against the doorway and watched me read it. #5 Your talent. Everything you do, you do it well. I admire everything from your dancing to your vocal ability. Not only that, but you have an amazing ability to draw people’s eye. Your true talent lies in the fact that you can make people go soft to you by your mere presence. You have this unspeaking way of making the world fall in love with you, me included. I’m just so glad I got to you first. Somehow, you managed to fall in love with me, too. Taetae, will you dance with me tonight? Yoona. Dancing, huh? I smiled. “Thank you.” I said to Sica. “Enjoy your night, Taengoo.” She said. I started to walk away.
“Taeyeon?” She said. I stopped and turned to her. “You deserve it.” Jessica said very sincerely. I cleared my throat. “Thanks.” I passed Sunny in the living room again to go hunt Yoona down. I was pretty sure Yoona was the only other girl left home. It would make sense to have been hiding in there all along. Yoona was on the phone when I entered the room. She snapped her fingers when she saw me and picked the rose up from the desk. I was a little disappointed Tiffany wasn’t in here. I took it and read it in silence. This one was actually taped shut. #6 Your innocence. The first night we made love brought me back to the time we used to spend together when we were only fifteen. While you’ve grown into an amazing capable beautiful woman, that night you were vulnerable to me for the first time. When I saw that innocence was still hidden deep within your eyes, I knew you were the person I wanted to give myself to. I’ll never regret it. I’m so glad you trusted me enough… Elevator. I reread this one several times, taking in its meaning.
I’d never regret it either. I walked back into the living room again, still reading it. “Elevator?” I said to myself. “Ah.” Sunny said, getting up. She went into my room and came back with my purse. “Come on.” She said, pushing me towards the front door. “What?” I sputtered. She slung the purse over my shoulder and pushed me out into the hall. “Have a good night, Taeyeonie.” “But..?” “Follow the directions!” She said, abruptly slamming the door on my face. I stared at the door mildly shocked. I walked into the elevator warily and found a rose propped up on one of the hand rails. #7 Your kindness You show everyone around you the upmost respect. You’ve shown me respect since day one, even when I was a stranger. You continue to show me respect today, even when I don’t always deserve it. The way you handled yourself in this situation with Jessica blew me away. Even though I was terrible, you were patient with me. I will do better, Tae. I promise, you
won’t have to be patient with me any longer. Lobby. I pushed the lobby button on the elevator and the doors closed on me. I didn’t really agree with that last one, she’d never tested my patience before a week ago. I stared at myself in the reflection of the doors and had to smile, being ‘that girl’ carrying roses around on Valentine’s Day. I wondered if Tiffany knew she was making me feel like a princess. The doors opened and standing in front of them I recognized one of our drivers holding another rose. I covered my mouth with my hand out of embarrassment. “Ms. Kim.” He nodded. I nodded back and took the rose he offered me. He led me across the lobby while I read it. #8 Your family We were barely three months into our relationship when you felt the need to tell your parents. You couldn’t keep it from them even if you wanted to. The fact that you brought me to your family’s Christmas at all had shown me how important I am to you. I had no idea you’d be telling them about me so proudly… so defiantly… You touched me so deeply that night, Tae. I hope that one day they can accept us and I can truly be a part of your family. Car. I felt my eyes sting but fought against it. Whether my mother ends up accepting Tiffany or not, she was already a part of my family. She always
would be. The driver opened the back door of the car for me and I climbed in. There was another rose on the seat beside me. #9 Your beliefs Not for a single second did you even consider the idea of trying to quash what you felt for me because it was ‘wrong’. You knew, like I knew, that there was no controlling this feeling. You embraced this lifestyle with me, whatever it is, and we’re figuring it out together. You’ve never been embarrassed of me and you don’t know how much that means to me… I was so scared if I ever told you that I had feelings for you that you’d never talk to me again… Thank you. Enjoy the ride. You’ll see. The driver got into the front seat and I leaned up to talk to him. “Can you tell me where we’re going?” I asked. “Sorry, I can’t.” He said, starting the car. I leaned back into the seat and stared down at my roses, feeling completely blown away. This all seemed like so much work. I don’t know how she had the time to put all this together. If this was a dozen roses, and I hoped it was, I was getting close. I felt uneasy when I noticed we were heading into a more populated area and I was relieved to find my sunglasses in my purse. I slipped them on and gazed out the window as we headed into the heart of downtown. The
buildings were starting to tower over us and the driver pulled off the main street to head down an alley next to a hotel. I watched as we turned into an underground parking structure that was housed underneath the hotel. My heart started beating faster. “Here?” I asked. “Yes, Ms. Kim.” He pulled us right up to an elevator and I didn’t wait for him to open the door for me. I recognized one of our security team was stationed just before it. He handed me a rose. #10 Your English I smirked. I know this seems insignificant, but it’s important to me. You know I feel more comfortable speaking in English and I see you working hard to try and learn it for me. That means so much to me. Every time you say some random phrase in English with your adorable accent, it warms my heart to no end. The very first time you told me you loved me it was in English. That made such a huge impact on me. I miss you. Floor 39 I stepped into the elevator and pushed the number 39. As it rose, I bounced on the balls of my feet excitedly. I didn’t even know what I was going to do when I finally got to see her again but I was anxious for it. I felt closer than
ever to finding her. Another security guard stood outside the elevator for me when it opened. The rose he handed me had a tag like the others but it also had a room key taped to the tag. I beamed and read quickly: #11 Your childhood Knowing you as a kid and watching you grow up has been the most enthralling beautiful experience of my life. Knowing you remained the same sweet, fierce friend that I grew up with gives me hope for our future. You’ve never once turned you’re back on me. You’ve always stayed loyal and true and I can’t ever imagine a day where you won’t be there by my side. Tae baby, come to me. Tiffany, Room 394 I caught my lip hard between my teeth and stared up at the security guard. He spared me a small smile. I nodded to him respectfully and started off down the hallway to find the correct room. It took me three times of putting the key in door to realize I was at the wrong door. I turned around to find the correct one behind me. I hesitated. I didn’t know why I felt suddenly anxious to see her again. How am I really supposed to react this? I took a deep breath and inserted the key card, watching it flash green, and gently pushed the door open. The suite was lavish; wide open with many huge windows, a kitchen, a full entertainment system and many other unseen amenities I was sure. It looked more like a studio than a suite. Everything was just out in the open, apart from the huge bed that I could see was completely draped in white
fabric. My eyes fell to the balcony ahead of me, the long white curtains were drawn back, the windows wide open and I could see patio furniture with one last rose resting on the table and my beautiful girlfriend in an elegant dress, leaning against the railing. I walked out to her slowly as if I was in a dream, stepping carefully over the threshold and leaning against the railing beside her. I felt her look at me but I tried to play it casually. “You made it.” She said softly. I looked sideways at her. The sun was positioned just behind her head so had to squint, but I could still see how happy her deep onyx eyes looked, two adorable lines gazing down at me with so much reverence. I put a hand in front of my forehead to see them better. “I would have been here sooner but I had a few detours.” Even as I said it I thought it sounded dorky. I laughed once through my nose at myself. “What do you think? Was it too cheesy?” She asked I grinned and shook my head, staring down at the busy street below. Everybody looked like ants from here. I was on top of the world. I felt her step closer to me. “…It was perfect.” I said. “Really?”
I nodded. “You look stunning.” She said, pushing my hair back behind my ear. “Fany-ah.” I said, smiling. The wind was doing a number on my hair. When I looked at her again, it was covering at least half my face. “Do you have a rose for me?” She moved my hair so my face was free before retrieving the last rose and handing it to me. I pulled the tag free and looked up at her. “You aren’t really going to watch me read it, are you?” I asked in a small voice. She beamed. “I sure am.” I stepped closer to her and leaned my head into her shoulder, to prevent her from seeing my face, and read: For everything else I can’t put into words, for all the beauty and love you’ve brought into my life, I’ll never be able to thank you enough. Because of you, I don’t have to feel alone anymore. Because of you, I’m becoming a better, stronger, more compassionate person. I can’t see the future Tae, but when I try all I can see is you. Thank you so much, just for being you. Let’s promise to always be in one each other’s life, okay? I love you. Tiffany This was the one true moment in my life, for the first time, that I felt like I
had everything. I truly felt overwhelmed. Tiffany was rubbing the back of my neck, essentially shielding me from the wind and I took some extra time to regain my composure before I looked up at her. She smiled down at me gently. “Will you be my valentine?” She asked. I swayed a little on my feet but she held my steady. I felt so dizzy, like somehow the blood in my veins hand completely turned to sugar. I couldn’t form words, instead I put a hand on her shoulder to lean up and kiss her but something felt wrong. I looked down at her feet. “…You’re wearing heels.” I said. “Sorry.” She chuckled throatily, “I thought you would, too.” She stepped out of them and kicked them aside. “Better?” I didn’t answer, I just kissed her. It felt like the very first time all over again. She held me steady by my waist and let me control the entire thing, letting me lead, giving me an avenue to express my wordless feelings. Her lips tasted sweet, like strawberries. I felt myself shiver and I wasn’t sure if it was from the weather or a chill she’d given me, but immediately she starting walking me backwards into the suite. “Are you cold?” She asked against my lips.
“…I’ve never been warmer in my life.” I replied. She closed the balcony doors anyways and smirked at the urgent look on my face. “Are you hungry?” She asked. I shrugged, following her into the kitchen. “It’s fully loaded.” She said, opening the fridge and taking out a bottle of wine. “Anything you could want is here. It’s stocked especially for us, we have music, we have movies, we have privacy. It’s like our own little apartment.” She poured two glasses of wine looking extremely satisfied with herself. I grinned at her. “Fany-ah, you could have dragged me into a janitor’s closet and it would have been perfect if you were there.” I took a glass from her and sipped from it. “You deserve more than a janitor’s closet.” She said. “This is too much.” I chuckled. “How did you do it?” “I had help.” She smiled. I figured. Somebody had to have placed the roses. “I mean, when did you have time…?”
“Don’t you worry about it. Let’s just enjoy this.” She said I stared at her as she drank. The realization that she was leaving me tomorrow was starting to sink into my stomach. “Are you okay?” She asked, setting her glass down and pulling me back into her arms. I just clutched to her, burying my head back into her shoulder. Her scent was comforting. I could never thank her enough for this evening. I would never be able to even come close. I gripped her wrists and pulled her away towards the bed. She set her glass down and allowed me to do it. Her real gift to me today was control. I could feel her submitting to my every wish thus far, it was time for me to take advantage of it. Without uttering a word, I pushed her onto her back on the bed. She watched me scientifically like she was seeing something new in me for the first time. She had an arm lying above her head casually and her eyes were locked on mine uncertainly as I crawled on top of her. I leaned over her and kissed her softly, pulling away just centimeters from her and staying there. I could feel her breath against my lips. When she moved towards me to reclaim the kiss I pulled back out of her reach.
“What are you doing?” She whispered. I pecked her again and lingered. This time, she didn’t bother trying to kiss me. Instead, I felt her squirm beneath me, her hand starting to travel up my thigh. I sat up and took her wrist, pulling it above her head and holding it place before I leaned back over her, simply pecking her again. “Taeyeon-ah…” She whimpered. I grinned. “What do you want for Valentine’s Day, Fany-ah?” I breathed. Her eyes went huge as she stared at me. She was completely struggling against me now, her lips brushing against mine like she was begging them to return. I didn’t give in and when I opened my eyes I saw newfound excitement in hers. “This is what you want, isn’t it?” I asked, sweetly. She nodded, her eyes sparkling. Initiative…The thing I knew she wanted from me from the very beginning. I finally felt strong enough to give it to her… ----------------------
My cell phone's alarm went off way too early. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and rubbed my eyes. This bed had proven to be incredibly comfortable but I couldn’t enjoy it. I had a plane to catch. I stole one more long gaze at Taeyeon still asleep beside me, her back to me where I had been the big spoon. I gasped when I saw faint pink lines running down her back that I knew I’d left. I felt remorse for marking her immediately, hoping that I hadn’t caused her any pain. I glanced once more lazily around at all the garments that were scattered around the floor. I felt so bad, in such a good way. I finally forced myself out of the bed, into the bathroom, and turned the shower on with a loud squeak of the faucet. I got in quickly before I froze to death and huddled up to the warm water. My heart ached dully, thinking about leaving Tae after such an amazing night. I globbed some shampoo into my hair and began rubbing it in when I heard a loud knock on the glass door. I opened an eye and saw Taeyeon standing there, still undressed from last night. The intensity on her face shocked me. I knew she was upset about me leaving but I couldn’t imagine it stirring this sort of reaction from her. I stared at her. She spoke, but I couldn’t hear her over the water. “What? Aish! Wait!” I said, the shampoo running into my eyes. I quickly tried to wash it out of my eyes. But when I did, she was gone.
“Tae?” I yelled. She returned again and slid the door open, coming into it with me and pinning me to the nearest wall. I was baffled. “W-What? Tae, I don’t have time-“ “Fany-ah, I don’t want you to leave me.” She said. “…Tae I don’t have a choice.” I frowned. “I don’t ever want you to leave me. I never want to be without you.” She continued without even reacting to me. “Tae?” “Marry me, Tip… Tifffffany.” Taeyeon tried so hard to say my name correctly. I couldn’t breathe. She stood there waiting for me to answer, her intensity not faltering one bit with every passing moment. And I was so sure, the first time I stood in a shower with Tae would have been under such different circumstances…
.. show! show! show! ..
“I don’t know how you did it, but you cheated.” I came back to my body with a stiff jolt; everything in front of my eyes came into focus. “What?! I did not cheat.” Hyoyeon’s mouth was hanging open. I could see the back of Sunny’s head tilt to the side and I imagined her glaring, though I couldn’t confirm it from this perspective. “You just drew three aces?” Sunny asked, skeptically. I grinned. Hyoyeon saw me and her face flickered with glee. “I’m done.” Sunny said. She stood up and waited for me to move my leg that was resting on the table beside her, so she could leave. “I just got lucky!” Hyoyeon called after her, bringing the cards together to form a deck and shuffling. My eyes fell to Jessica who was on the couch opposite me, face down looking lifeless. Her arm was hanging off the side fondling the carpet, her face completely blank. I took a little pride in knowing that I could still fully function when my lover was out of town.
“When does their plane get in?” Hyoyeon asked me. “Any minute now.” I said “Well, that gives you some time then.” She smirked, shuffling the cards. “Are you up for a game?” “Not after I just watched you cheat.” I laughed. Hyoyeon made an unsatisfied noise with her mouth and stood up. “Does that hurt?” Jessica asked, dully, pointing at my foot. “Only if I touch it.” I said. “…It looks really gross, Taeyeon.” She looked away. “Of course it does.” I said. “ She was referring to the toenail I managed to all but rip off. My foot was elevated, wrapped in a soft cast in order to keep myself from putting pressure on it. I examined the remains of the mangled nail on my biggest toe. The dark bruises were starting to fade a little and the fact that my toe was crusting over was pretty gross, but the doctor told me it was supposed to do that. I flexed it gingerly and Jessica actually rolled over to face to couch to keep herself from looking at it any longer.
“Thirsty, Taeng?” Sooyoung asked me from the kitchen. “Yeah, some water please. Thanks.” I said back. Being taken care off was pretty nice but I didn’t enjoy being immobile. It wasn’t a horrible injury or anything that would keep me out of work, but it was just enough to annoy me and give everyone else a reason to keep me down for a few days. “Are you excited?” Sooyoung asked me, setting my water on the table beside me. “Yes.” “You do seem like you’re in a much better mood today.” She said, sitting beside me. “That’s to be expected.” I smiled. “Have you heard anything from her?” “Not since their plane took off.” I said, picking up my phone and double checking that I hadn’t gotten any messages. Sooyoung took it from me and looked at my background, a new picture Tiffany had sent to me of herself. “I really like this color on her. And the cut… omo.” Sooyoung said, admiring Tiffany’s new hairstyle.
Sooyoung eyed me, as if expecting me to talk. I stared back at her. “Well? Do you like it?” She asked. “Of course I do.” I said. “Aren’t you just dying to see it?” She asked. “Honestly, I’m more excited to see her than just her hair.” I smirked. Her hand connected upside my head. I winced. “Smart mouth you got there.” She smirked. My lip curled. “She could come home bald and I’d still think she was breathtaking.” I said. Sooyoung sighed heavily, leaning back against the couch. “Ahh, my heart.” She shook her head. “You guys are so unconditional.” I nodded. “But what happens when… you know…” Sooyoung wondered. “…What?” I asked, completely clueless. “Eventually you guys are going to want your own place, right?”
“After SNSD.” I said. “Really?” She asked. I grinned. “We talked about this, Tiffany and I.” “That’s pretty serious to be talking about.” Sooyoung said, sounding impressed. “Well... yeah.” I agreed. I took my water and stared down into it. “I guess you could say we’re pretty serious.” I didn’t see the glass of water anymore but I could hear running water in my mind. I could almost feel myself become engulfed in the steam once more. “Are you insane?” “No.” I said assertively. I stared at her, not budging. The entire right side of my body was in the direct stream of the water, I could feel my hair becoming heavier with the water’s weight, pressing into the side of my face and I didn’t care in the least. Tiffany’s expression was soft as ever, she was changing her weight between either of her feet. “…Why?” “Because!” I looked around wildly. “Tiffany, I already know I want you
forever, what’s the point in waiting?” “But what’s the rush?” She asked. I felt a pit in my stomach. For the first time I actually doubted the outcome of my question. “…There’s no rush, I’m not saying let’s get on the next plane to New York or wherever and go do it today. I just… I want the promise. I need you to know how I feel.” I said far too quickly. “After everything, after yesterday… it just confirmed it for me, Tiffany. I want you forever.” She smiled kindly at me. I started preparing myself for rejection. “What about SNSD? What about my dad and your parents?” “It doesn’t have to be now. We’ll have an extended secret engagement. We don’t have to tell anyone until we’re ready.” I said. I could see she was really thinking about it. She moved the messy mass of my hair out of my face and considered me. Her smile grew. “You really want to marry me? This is serious, Tae.” “Yes. This isn’t something I just woke up and decided to do on a whim.” I muttered. “I’ve thought about it, too.” She said. In this span of silence I took the time to admire her makeup-less face, to
take in every ounce of her beauty and only know that it was multiplied tenfold on the inside. The woman standing in front of me was my wife, whether she said yes now or I had to wear her down later. I wouldn’t take another answer. I would ask again and again if I had to. We were at a standstill. She was glancing downwards with a thoughtful grin on her face and I was hanging on every gesture, every little change in her facial expression. She was teetering on the verge of speech. “So you’re going to move in together after SNSD?” Sooyoung ripped me out of my daydream. I grinned widely. “Yeah…” Something like that. “Oh!” Sooyoung jumped a little. She handed me my phone that came to life in her hands. “They’ve landed.” I said, smiling and scrolling through Tiffany’s text. “Ah, they’ll be home in no time.” “Yep!” I said happily, stepping up onto my good foot to stand up. “Yah, what do you think you’re doing?” Sooyoung asked, standing up as well.
I raised an eyebrow up at her. “I’m… going to get dressed?” “You’re not supposed to be walking.” She said. “So?” I said defensively, “She’s going to be here in fifteen minutes, I need to look nice-Ahhh!” In a heartbeat, Sooyoung bent double and grasped the back of my knees, carrying me bridal style into my bedroom. I kept up a steady rhythm, pounding on her shoulders to put me down. “When I’m better, you’ll pay.” I said to her menacingly as she set me gently onto my good foot. “Whatever you say, short stuff.” The giant bellowed over her shoulder as she left. Scratch everything I said about it being nice to be taken care of. This was a little over the top and it left me frustrated and slightly flustered, feeling like a child. I shook my head after her, positively fuming as I set to putting some mild makeup on and fixing my hair. Surely, Tiffany wouldn’t baby me like this… Even if she wanted to, I didn’t think I’d mind it from her. Tiffany could treat me any way she wanted, I already knew that, but it was just a stupid toenail injury. Some of the girls were acting like I’d gotten my foot amputated at the ankle.
I hobbled back into the living room walking on my heel and fell into a chair in the kitchen. My temperament was changing quickly, knowing that it wouldn’t be long until Tiffany came through the very door I was staring at. I convulsed when it opened suddenly. “Relax, it’s just me.” Jessica said, closing the door behind her. “What were you doing out there?” I said irritably, sinking back into my chair. “I was just… checking.” She held up her cell phone. “I’m not getting the best service in here, and Yuri… I haven’t heard from her.” She said slowly. “Ah… that doesn’t mean anything. She’s probably sleeping…or something” I said, trying to crunch the time conversion in my head. “Yeah…” She said softly. “…” I tapped my fingers on the table awkwardly. Jessica leaned against the counter in the kitchen looking forlorn. “…You know Sica, when Tiffany and I are apart we take pictures for each other to try and cheer each other up. Maybe you should try that?” She blinked at me. “I’m serious. Give me your phone I’ll help.” I said. I pushed the button to turn on the camera and held it in front of her face. She looked at me uncertainly.
“Try and look cute.” I said. She smiled and made a heart with her hands. “Wait.” I said. I lowered the phone and pushed Jessica’s hair behind her ear. Her time on the couch had made it stick up in odd places. Her face softened considerably at my gesture. “Good.” I said and brought the camera back up. “Yes, perfect. Look at it just like you’d look at Yuri.” The result was a really beautiful picture. She looked caught in the middle of a daydream, her wide eyes were penetrating but they held so many secrets to me. I handed Jessica the phone back and wondered if Yuri would be able to translate them. “Write something sweet. You’ll get a response.” “Thanks.” She smiled softly, biting her lip thoughtfully as she wandered off with her phone. The door opened then, and I locked eyes with Yoona. “I told you.” Yoona said over her shoulder. “How did I know you’d be on your feet?” She asked me. “I was just helping-“ I was brought up short. Yoona’s eyes immediately went to my foot and a repulsed look came over
her face. I could see her world famous flat fish grimace out of the corner of my eye but in the doorway stood… simply the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Tiffany had a slightly timid expression on her face as she watched me take in her new style for the first time. She sent me countless pictures of it but it still stunned me to see her like this in real life. It was amazing how much brighter her face looked with lighter hair not to mention the new cut meant the return of her eyebrows. They were such a pivotal point in her expressions, I thought, and I was so glad to see that they weren’t hidden anymore. They were pulled together apprehensively. “…Hi.” I grinned stupidly. It felt like my face was melting from her mere presence. “Hi.” She said back sweetly. While she walked to me all I could do is watch her hair in amazement. It had so much volume and life to it that it bounced along behind her with every step. The color was undefined to me. It hovered on the edge of brown and auburn and golden… It just looked so soft. I just wanted to put my hands in it and feel it against my face. “Do you like it?” She asked. I cleared my throat. ”I-I adore it. You look incredible.” She grinned and the world got a little brighter. The baggage that was
hanging off her shoulder landed on the floor with a loud thump at the exact same time her arms took me. My injured foot hovered behind me safely inches off the floor as I leaned into her tight embrace. “You shouldn’t be walking around, love.” She said. “I know.. I’m not really.. I just…” I tilted my face into her neck, taking in her sweet aroma and feeling her warmth. The consequence of so many days without her was just now occurring to me. When she finally pulled away, I found that I didn’t want to let her go. I gripped her shoulders tighter. “Come on…” She coaxed me along into the living room, pulling most of my weight with her as my legs were barely cooperating. We ended up on the couch; I was practically sitting on her lap. I pulled her face to mine and kissed her without abandon, my hand entangling itself into her luscious hair. I felt her smile against my lips after some time and try to pull away. I did everything I could to make her escape more difficult. I heard someone clear their throat and Tiffany slowly pulled away from me. Sunny was standing in front of us with her arms crossed. I frowned at her, though she seemed pleased to have an opportunity to break us up. “I have a message for you.” She said to Tiffany, holding up a small square of paper. “From MBC.”
“Thanks.” Tiffany said, taking it. Sunny sat beside Tiffany and starting playing with her hair. Resigned, I rested my head on Tiffany’s shoulder. “Rehearsal tonight.” Tiffany muttered to me. I smiled and she stood up. “I’m going to change into something a little more comfortable and put my stuff away.” She said. “Ah I bet you’re tired.” I said, standing up with her. She pushed me back down into the couch. “You rest.” She said. I pouted after her as she retrieved her bags and walked into the bedroom. “You… are so whipped, Taeyeon.” Sunny said. I turned to Sunny, my hand balled into a fist, but before I could speak, Tiffany yelled from the bedroom. “Don’t call my girlfriend whipped!” Sunny laughed. “She even argues for you.” I almost grabbed her by the back of the neck before she got up and out of my reach. I stood menacingly and glared at her. “Now, now.” Sunny said. “You don’t want me to have to tell Tiffany you’re walking around do you?” Absolutely livid, I gave Sunny an inappropriate hand gesture and began walking down the hall to my bedroom. I could hear Sunny laughing behind
me. I had had it with being treated like I was disabled. I tried to flush it from my mind, knowing the only thing that mattered was my Tiffany was home. She was within reach and I didn’t want sit around and waste time not staring at her. When I turned the corner I found her hunched over her luggage, her clothes were scattered into two piles on the ground beside her. I started limping towards her, my eyes bright on the back of her head. I cracked the door behind me and it made a low squeak which she heard. She turned and locked eyes with me, standing up straight. “…Sunny was driving me crazy.” I said, starting to limp towards her. I tripped up on the uneven ground over her clothes and almost fell into her. She caught me and pulled me back upright. “This is why you shouldn’t be walking…” She laughed throatily. “Ha.. woops.” I said, grinning up at her. “You missed me, huh?” She smiled. I hugged her tighter and she chuckled. “Who said you could be so cute today?” She asked, messing up my hair. “I just wanted to welcome you home, Kim Miyoung.” I whispered, grinning ear to ear. “I don’t think you’re allowed to call me that, yet.” Despite her words, she looked marginally happier after hearing the new name out loud.
“You don’t like it? I’ll be a Hwang-“ “Shh.” She said, putting a finger to my lips and looking at the cracked door. “Did you tell anyone?” “Nope.” I said, “You told me not to.” “Good.” She said, breathing easier, “We don’t need anyone to lecture us about how insane this is.” “… I don’t think it’s that insane really.” I said, sitting on the end of the bed, “I know Sunny pretty much considers us a married couple already.” Actually, a part of me wondered if Tiffany was ashamed of being engaged at such a young age. When she had told me not to tell the others, I thought it was because she wanted to be here to announce it with me. “Still…” She said, putting her hands on my shoulders. I took advantage of her proximity and pushed my face against her warm, firm stomach. “It’ll be nice to be able to tell them when we know when it’s going to happen, right?” “Mmm.” I hummed against her abs, trying in vain to press the worry out of my mind. She started weaving her fingers in and out of my hair and at that moment I felt immediate comfort. The days I’d just spent without her were dissolving from my conscious thoughts. It’s strange how many things I can think of that can go horribly wrong when
Tiffany isn’t around. Somehow, it’s not until I know her plane has landed safely… until the van makes it through traffic back to the dorms… not until I know she’s within arm’s reach, that I can feel at ease again. Just knowing she’s safe and beside me takes tons of weight off of my shoulders. I wonder if she even knew the turmoil I put myself through over her. “It looks painful, baby.” Tiffany said, kneeling in front of me and taking a closer look at my toe. “It’s not bad.” Tiffany pushed my legs apart and put her chin on one of my knees. Sitting here completely casually, she still looked like she was right out of some high fashion magazine. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. “You’re going to be okay to rehearse, right?” She asked. “Yeah, I’m fine. What about you? Aren’t you jetlagged?” I asked. She grinned and shook her head faintly. “Don’t you worry about me.” She poked my nose playfully and stood up again, returning to her bag. “Fiancé.” I grinned. “…It does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” We stared at one another. When I’d asked Tiffany to marry me, we didn’t have any time to celebrate her answer. In a way, this was the resounding realization that she’d said yes to me. That she’d spend her entire life with
me; that we’d made that promise to one another. “Forever is a long time.” I said. I felt like I had to just double check that she knew what she was getting herself into. “It is.” She agreed, walking towards me. She got back down onto eyelevel with me ran a finger along my jaw line. “Ask me again, Tae.” “..Eh.. huh?” “Ask me again, we were too rushed before. We should do it properly.” She said. I bit my lip. “…I don’t want to.” “Why not?” “You already said yes once, I don’t want to push my luck.” I chuckled. “You think I’d say no?” She asked, her eyebrows hovering high on her forehead. She seemed set on this, I really wish I hadn’t have said anything. “Ask me.” She said, putting her forehead against mine. “…Fany-ah…”
“Please?” I sighed. “Fany-ah, will you marry me?” Without hesitating, she answered. “Yes. There’s nothing I want more. Ask again.” Her eyes were disappearing; I saw what she was doing now. “Marry me, beautiful.” I crooned. “I’ve dreamt of it Tae, of course I will. Ask again.” I chuckled; she nuzzled the side of my face with her nose as encouragement. “Be my wife.” I said. “Forever.” She said, pecking my lips softly. I felt my face turning red at her obvious ploy. She caught on quickly to the skepticism I had at my own shotgun proposal. This was her way of erasing any doubts or fears I had, but she apparently didn’t realize that I thought she was ashamed. While a part of my brain acknowledged and felt thankful for her attempt, I couldn’t fully process it. I was lost in Tiffany’s eyes again. God, she’s a knockout. “Are you ready?” She asked, patting my thighs and standing back up.
“Fany-ah, you just turned all my muscles to mush and now we have to go to work?” I asked. “It’s just a rehearsal.” She held her hands out to help me up. “I’ll prop you up if I have to.” I took her hands, and she pulled me upright. Astounding. This job was nothing out of the ordinary for me. Seohyun and I hosted Music core without an issue the week before without Tiffany, but it felt so different now. It wasn’t just going to work anymore; it was going to work with my fiancé now, even more so since Seohyun stayed longer in the UK for a small vacation with her mother. I had to be on my best behavior… -------------------------------------------------------------At our rehearsal, I was rather pleased to find out that the producer thought Tiffany and I had good chemistry together. His proclamation left us grinning for the rest of the night. He told us he planned on giving a small solo segment come show night. While it did seem a little unfair, Seohyun was still on vacation for the rehearsal. I couldn’t really fault him for giving it to us instead for that reason. Tiffany was just more focused on teasing me for how cute I had to act. I was the first one dressed and ready to go the night of Music Core. The
three of us shared a dressing room and even though Seohyun had caught a red eye flight to get here on time she showed no signs of being tired. I’m sure she was exhausted but she was type of professional that would never show it. With Tiffany’s hair now done, the last of the hairdressers cleared out of the room, leaving just the three of us. “You’re so pretty.” I said, standing behind Seohyun, playing with her hair. It was slightly curled and pulled into a high ponytail. She looked like she was about to have a heart attack, as if she’d just gotten in perfect and now I was messing it up. “Unnie..” She smiled nervously, leaning away from my touch. “I missed you, but I must admit, we used the opportunity to eat rather poorly while you were gone.” I grinned. She turned around and looked at me with raised eyebrows. “You’re lying.” She said. I stared at her with a mischievous grin, weighing the pros and cons of telling her the truth. In the end, I remained silent. Being lectured and having my diet monitored for the next week didn’t sound too appealing. “Don’t let her tease you.” Tiffany said to Seohyun. I didn’t realize she was standing behind me until she poked my sides. I started walking backwards slowly into her until I felt her arms come around me loosely. At the MBC studios, this is as close as we would ever get to displaying affection.
“Isn’t she pretty?” I asked Tiffany. “Gorgeous.” Tiffany said, “She looks all grown up.” “You’re becoming an old woman before our eyes.” I grinned. “Old?” Seohyun asked in a high voice, turning around with wide eyes. “We need you on the stage, ladies.” A stagehand knocked on our door. I snorted at Seohyun’s expression. “Here we go.” Tiffany smiled and turned for the door. “Ah.” Seohyun frantically tried to fix whatever I had done to her hair before following us out. It was a respectful reception from the audience. I did see a few signs for us though I was happy it was dominating the consensus. Tonight was about the performers, not the MC’s. We stood in our places and let the cameramen start to work out their angles and plot strategies for the live shots. The makeup artists returned for their last minute touchups. “All good, ladies? One minute until live.” A producer said to us. A stagehand came up to hand us our microphones. “Nervous?” Tiffany asked, grinning at me. “Why would I be?” I asked. “I fit this part much better than you might think.” I winked.
Tiffany pinched my cheek and it actually drew a small cheer from the audience. I stuck my tongue out at them. “Thirty seconds.” I glanced at the monitor we were displayed on and frowned. “Aigoo, you guys look so much taller than me.” I said. “Maybe when you aren’t injured they’ll probably put you on a box.” Tiffany giggled. I glared at her. She leaned into my ear to whisper. “I happen to find short girls sexy.” I lodged my tongue between my teeth and grinned out into the packed audience. Tiffany… I was starting to realize, was a bit voyeuristic. She seemed to enjoy watching me squirm in front of tons of people. I gripped onto my microphone tightly and looked at the back of it. I hadn’t taken into consideration how cool it was to now have my own microphone with its name on it. Predebut, while I always enjoyed watching the music programs for the performances, I always thought the MC’s were so cool too. I hoped I could be remembered as a great MC as well. My eyes fell to my hand and I noticed, with a sharp pain in my stomach, that I was still wearing my couple ring.
I poked Tiffany and showed her behind my microphone that I was still wearing it. She looked to her own hand and, like a nightmare, I could see she was still wearing hers, too. We stared at one another in shock. “Fifteen seconds.” “What do I do?! Do you have pockets?” I whispered frantically. “No, it’s a dress, Taeyeon.” She mumbled back sternly. It wouldn’t be good if we were found hosting Music Core wearing couple’s rings. I slid my ring off inconspicuously and held it on the inside of my right hand against the microphone tightly. “Ten Seconds……. Five, Four, Three…” The producer pointed out the last two numbers. I saw Tiffany had no issue in showing off her own ring, which I guess was fine. If it was just her wearing it, nobody could connect the ring to me. “1, 2, 3,” “Hello we are the girls who love music!” “MC Tiffany!” “Taeyeon!”
“And Seohyun, nice to meet you!” The whole entire key to hosting Music Core, was to act as happy an energetic as possible. Basically, you take your best mood possible and multiply it by ten. Of course, this translated into acting like a huge dork, which I think worked well for me. Even as I was just saying my lines, I found myself nudging or poking Tiffany, who was next to me. With a brief glance towards the monitor I could see we had no space between us whatsoever, while Seohyun at least seemed to be giving Tiffany a little breathing room. “Okay, let’s gather our strength and shout a “Fighting!” to make Show! Music Core more energetic!” Tiffany said, enthusiastically. I had to remove a hand from the microphone to put it on top of the others and I felt the ring shift behind my sweaty palm. “1, 2, 3 Fighting!” We shouted. I quickly replaced my hand and grinned wider because I hadn’t gotten caught yet. Amazing how near disaster could almost strike when we weren’t even through the opening monologue yet. “That’s great.” Tiffany said. “Today is the first time the three of us will be MCing together. I’m shaking.” She said. “You’re shaking a lot right now.” I nodded in agreement, as per my lines. I was the one shaking. What was in reality only a few minutes seemed to
span on for hours. After hosting this show last week I was pretty sure I had it down. The thing I didn’t anticipate was finding myself nervous about acting ‘cute’ around Tiffany. It wasn’t exactly my favorite thing in the world to do, on purpose anyway. When our opening was done I rushed to the dressing room to stow my ring while the second performance was up. I got back in time for our second monologue, Tiffany and I were doing this one alone and I couldn’t help noticing a slightly harrassed Seohyun watching us, wondering why she had been ushered out of the shot. I read the lines mechanically and hoped beyond hope that the maknae didn’t feel like she was any less important than us on this show. Our next segment, I would be showing more cuteness than Tiffany had ever seen me do. She helped me stick the black half circles underneath my eyes and made a gleeful high pitched noise when she saw the end result. “Soooo cute!” She beamed. She was enjoying this way more than I was. I rolled my eyes. We took our places back on the stage before the performances over and I studied the cue cards while we waited. “You know, they wouldn’t be giving you the cute things to do if they thought you weren’t good at it.” Tiffany said. “Ten seconds.” The producer said.
“…SNSD’s new aegyo queen, Taeyeon!” Tiffany quipped. I gave her a look that could have killed her but she wasn’t looking at me. She was focused on the shot. “Five, four, three…” I looked back into the camera and had to force myself to stop biting my own tongue. ------------------------------------------------“Ahh! That was great.” Tiffany said, getting out of the van back at the dorms. She looped an arm around Seohyun and I as we walked into the building. We greeted the doorman warmly and entered the elevator without letting go of one another. “…I don’t think I’m a very good MC.” Seohyun said softly. Tiffany and I both looked at her, then each other. “You’re a great MC.” Tiffany said, touching Seohyun’s face. “I didn’t get many lines.” She said. “They were focused on you two.” I let go of Tiffany to stand in front of Seohyun. “That’s probably just because you were out of town during the rehearsal.” I said. “…Did you see that hideous dress they had me in?” Seohyun asked.
… It was pretty bad. Black and white striped cat dress that looked like it was highlighted with a brown trash bag and power shoulders. “You just need to tell wardrobe next time you don’t like it.” I said, biting my lip. “I mean, it wasn’t that bad, right Tiffany?” “Um… no of course not.” Tiffany said quickly. “You looked very pretty on screen.” Seohyun’s mouth was tight. I could tell she was still upset. “We’ll take better care of you next week…” I said. I felt somewhat selfish. I was the leader; I should have overseen things better. I should have paid more attention to her. “Yes.” Tiffany nodded. “It was just our first show; we have some things to work out.” “Thanks, Unnies.” She said softly, smiling. When the elevator doors opened, I let Seohyun walk ahead a little before I launched myself onto her back, wrapping my arms firmly around her shoulders. She stumbled a bit out of obvious surprise but managed to carry me down the hall. I felt Tiffany slap my butt. I slid off her back after we got into the dorm and when I moved to walk around Seohyun I accidently walked headlong into Yuri’s back. I barely even disrupted her; she turned around and looked at me quizzically.
“Oh, you’re home!” I yelled, reaching up and smacking her cheek playfully. “Yah, watch it. I’ll rip off your other toenails too.” Yuri said, shaking a spatula at me. “I’d like to see you try.” Tiffany said, peeking her head over my shoulder and kissing my cheek. I saw Jessica on the other side of Yuri; it looked like they were cooking together. “You’ve got to cut them thinner.” Yuri said to her, holding up the thickest slice of tomato I’d ever seen. Jessica pouted up at her. “I try and they fall apart!” “Well, then that’s too thin.” Yuri chuckled, “Here, watch.” She took the knife out of Jessica’s hand and reached around her from behind to show her how it was done. It warmed my heart to see them reunited again. “Taeyeon-ah!” I heard Tiffany from down the hall. I tore my eyes away from Yuri and Jessica and went to my room. Tiffany already had my suitcase open and on the bed. “Seriously?” I asked. “We leave tomorrow.” She said in a matter of fact tone.
“…We just walked in the door.” I whimpered, falling into the free part of the bed. “Mm... Did all that aegyo wear you out, love?” She asked, smirking. “You… need to stop making fun of me.” I said. I’d expected the teasing since last week, it wasn’t really bothering me. “Here.” Tiffany said. I felt her tap my calf. I rolled over onto my back and she jumped on top of me. I let out a loud ‘Oof’ at the sudden weight and smiled when I found her holding my ring. “You almost forgot this.” She said, her mouth slanted, “What’s going to happen when it’s a real engagement ring. I hope you’ll be more careful.” “Yes, of course I will.” I said, taking my ring back and putting it on. “About that, when… do you want to get rings?” “…Well, we can’t get them now. The girls will notice.” She said. I frowned at her. This issue was suddenly in front of my face again. She registered the change in my mood quickly. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “Fany-ah… You’re not…” I couldn’t make the words come out.
“What is it?” She said, her eyebrows pulled together. Her eyes were boring into me so deeply, I got the impression that she would do anything to make it better. “…You’re not ashamed, right?” I asked, sadly. Shock registered on Tiffany’s face. Her eyes darted between each of my own quickly, as if she couldn’t believe what I said. I immediately regretted saying anything. Her mouth hung open but she didn’t say anything. “…I’m sorry.” I whispered. She shook her head, well, she jerked it actually, when I spoke and got off of me. “I could never be ashamed, Tae…” She said softly, her back to me as she resumed packing. “Fany-ah… I just, don’t get why you don’t want to tell them. You know they’ll probably find out anyway.” I said, standing up. “… You’re right.” She said. “Well…. Huh!?” I said, taken aback. She turned around. “You’re right. Let’s go tell them.”
I blinked at her. “Fany-ah, I don’t want to tell them unless you want to. I’m just proud of it.” “You’re right.” She said. “I’m proud of you, too. Let’s go tell them.” She held out her hand to me. I hesitated, not knowing what to think. Was she merely doing this to appease me? “It’s okay.” She said. Her face didn’t look misleading. “I’m not mad. I’ll explain better out there.” She smiled. I took her hand slowly and she led me out into the living room. My heart was beating so fast. I don’t know how she could have possibly changed her mind so quickly. “Hey girls, could we talk!?” Tiffany yelled down the opposite hall. We stood in the living room in front of Sooyoung who was already there. Yuri looked at us from the kitchen. “Can we listen from here?” She asked. “Sure.” Tiffany said. She knocked her hip into me when she saw I still looked uncertain and tried to give me a reassuring smile while the other girls were slowly making their way into the living room. “Where’s Yoona?” Tiffany asked.
“Filming.” Sunny answered. “Ah. We’ll tell her later.” Tiffany nodded. Seohyun was the last to walk in, sitting on the arm rest of the couch. “Well…” Tiffany said, looking at me and smiling. “First off, I wanted to thank you guys for helping me out on Valentine’s Day, it was very successful-” “You can spare us all the gory details.” Sunny said, to much laughter. “Yah, very funny. But that’s not why I asked you guys to come out here.” Tiffany was playing with her own hands. I felt a pang of remorse in thinking I was forcing to do something she didn’t want to. She took a deep breath. “Actually, we have an announcement to make. The day after Valentine’s Day, um….” She paused. I squeezed her hand in a last stitch effort to get the point across that she didn’t actually have to go through with this. She looked me in the eyes and became less nervous. “Taeyeon proposed to me.” I heard a gasp, but I didn’t break eye contact with Tiffany to find its source. “And I said ‘Yes’.” I heard a loud metallic clang from the kitchen and immediately saw Jessica’s head disappear behind the counter. The other’s looked blown away.
Sooyoung was covering her lower face in her hands. “But what about-“ Sunny started, Tiffany held up a hand. “Let me explain. We agreed to get married, but, we’re not doing it anytime soon. Right now, SNSD is still our top priority.” Tiffany looked down at me. “That’s why… I didn’t want to tell you guys, because I didn’t want you to think we were going to leave you or take the group less seriously. Even though you guys are my sisters...” Oh, this girl has a way with words. My knees felt weak as I stared up at her longingly. “When Taeyeon asked me, it made me the happiest woman alive…” Tiffany said, softly. “Oh, shut up you dummy. I wouldn’t have thought that!” Sooyoung said, getting to her feet. “I’m so happy for you guys!” She crossed the gap to pull us both into a hug and the others starting following suit. Their words of congratulations and excitement were swirled together in an unintelligible mixture. I might have cried at how beautiful Tiffany had put our engagement into words in front of them, but Sooyoung beat me to that. I was incredulous, wiping her tears away when I felt another pair of lanky arms take me off my feet. Yuri, who apparently teleported across the room in the matter of seconds,
spun me and put me down a bit too roughly. I stumbled but Sunny caught me, clapping me sharply on the shoulder and pulling me into a hug. This was the most I’d been manhandled by them in a long time. “I’m stunned, really.” Sunny said. “Really? You didn’t see this one coming and yet you saw everything else?” I smirked. Sunny shrugged. “I guess I thought you were more traditional. Five months and BAM engaged.” She clapped. “Why wait?” I smiled. She messed up my hair and I felt a hand on my shoulder turning me away from her. I wasn’t sure who was hugging me at this point, until I heard her voice. “Congratulations.” Jessica said softly. I decidedly put my hands gently on her back. I couldn’t see her face so I wasn’t entirely sure how she was reacting, but she held me close for a long time. Over her shoulder I could see Yuri was still smiling widely so it obviously wasn’t drawing any attention, but it did feel awkward for me. When she let me go, she immediately had her arms around Tiffany and I didn’t get chance to actually look at her. When things finally calmed down, the girls had decided that this was a reason to celebrate. Most had volunteered to go shopping. I caught a glimpse of Tiffany leading Jessica off into our room to talk. I assumed she
was finally reaching out to her about the whole confrontation from the other week, which was good. I hadn’t even thought about how Jessica might react to my engagement before, but it shouldn’t be a problem anymore, right? She has Yuri now. “Aren’t you exhausted?” I asked, joining Yuri in the kitchen. “Yes. But I am hungrier than I am tired.” She smiled. “Do you need help with anything?” I asked. “Nope, Jessica helped prepare everything.” She said, covering a pot and wiping her hands clean with a rag. She stopped at the fridge to pull out two alcoholic beverages and handed me one before sitting opposite me at the table. “Are you happy?” I asked her. “Yeah.” She said, thoughtfully. “I have everything I want. You have everything you want. Life is good isn’t it?” I nodded, tapping the neck of my bottle to Yuri’s before sipping from it. “You give me great hope for my future.” She said. “One day, maybe Jessica and I will be announcing our engagement.” “Yeah…” I said vaguely, staring at her face as she looked into the distance. I had the impression that she was sitting there imagining it. I felt terrible because I didn’t feel so confident when I wondered how Jessica felt.
Tiffany walked into the kitchen, taking my face in her hands and kissing me before going to the fridge. Jessica trailed in after and I locked eyes with her. Whatever feelings Jessica was trying to portray outwardly, by looking into her eyes, I didn’t think she looked very happy.
.. icarus ..
The moon was bright tonight. It stood sentinel, perfectly round and larger than I remember seeing it in a long time. The cool air blowing in through the window made my nose start to go numb but I liked that feeling. Being completely wrapped up and feeling the weight of my blankets push me against the bed during a cold night was perfect, though I knew the still body beside me didn’t agree with the arrangement. I welcomed what was left of the winter. Through the thin wall behind me I could hear Tiffany’s quiet laughter, a loud creak and a shift of weight in her bed. I was growing desensitized to listening to them together every night. When there wasn’t another sound to be heard in the entire house, it seemed that was Taeyeon and Tiffany’s time to play, which was fine. It was probably good for me to listen to. It emphasized the reality of the days’ events.
Marriage. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t understand what the rush was. Just over four months ago they had just started courting one another, to take this step… They must be absolutely sure. Taeyeon looked so happy today that she was glowing. … Ultimately, that’s all that mattered right? Even if I wasn’t the one able to make her happy, to be with her, I was glad there was someone there that could. Looking back, I kind of knew all along that Taeyeon had always belonged to Tiffany, even before I knew that what they had was more than just an innocent friendship; before I even knew what my own feelings meant. I’d come to terms with the fact that Tiffany beat me, she won, she got the prize. Losing a competition like this wasn’t something I was used to, or prepared for but being in a band with eight other perfect looking women was a bit of a double edged sword. I loved them all dearly but when you’re living with someone like Sooyoung who can just roll out of bed and look flawless it’s not the best self confidence booster. I’d always hoped I’d never have to compete with one of them on a romantic scale and though I figured eventually it would probably happen eventually, I wasn’t prepared for it. It was easier to remember that when it came to Taeyeon there was no competition with Tiffany. I never stood a chance. But the thing I continue to struggle with was the void where Taeyeon and mine’s friendship had been. I can see whenever she looks at me that she’s
cautious, she takes much more care in her words with me. I… think she no longer trusts me. Before all of these complications, Taeyeon and I were great friends, especially back in our training days. … She was so adorable as a kid. I missed that Taeyeon more than anything, even though I learned in time that it was a front she put up to all of us. There was something so sweet and innocent about Taeyeon when I’d first met her. Every step we took together in the direction of becoming a real group, she led ahead with so much enthusiasm. For me, it was more of a trial through exhaustion, but for Taeyeon it looked like every day was Christmas, she’d waited her entire life for that opportunity and when it was so close, she was contagious. She carried us along with her, me especially. Humor was her strong point; it was her elixir for every affliction and it worked on me better than anything I’d ever experienced. When she started showing interest in Tiffany, I was surprised, almost disbelieving. I always knew they had a special friendship but I couldn’t have imagined how close and special their relationship seemed to become just overnight, like snapping your fingers… Suddenly they needed each other as much as they needed air. They were each other’s sustenance. So where did this leave me? Now, I can’t even look at Taeyeon without her becoming suspicious of me.
It was a concern I brought up to Tiffany today and she thought the only thing that could help is if I backed off for a while, gave Taeyeon some time and develop my relationship with Yuri, but was that only because she felt insecure as well? I rolled onto my side and pouted at the figure sleeping beside me. I’d never known anyone so patient and understanding in my life. When we started this relationship I told her straight up about the lingering feelings I had for Taeyeon, and she acted as though it didn’t bother her, even though I know deep down it did. I told her that she could do better… that it wasn’t smart for me to start a relationship when I was still going through this but she said she’d just be sitting around waiting for me anyway. She agreed to take it slow with me. She still wanted me even though I was terrible to her, even though I wouldn’t be one hundred percent hers until I could clear my head of this confusion… She thought I was worth it to wait it out. Sweet Yuri. I don’t know if she can even fathom how much she’s been helping me through this. Since I agreed to be hers, her confidence level had improved by leaps and bounds. She has somewhat taken over when it comes to ‘protecting’ me. Her method was very simple; just try and keep my head busy, out of sight out of mind. We spent most of our time together alone, not needing to spend every minute surrounded by the girls. It was an easy way to avoid any awkward situations. It was enough to just have somebody lying next to me in bed, but having somebody I had so much in common with was the best. What we had, I could tell, was something very special. It was growing, but it was developing at a snails’ pace. Our schedules were conflicting so often lately that it should
have been just enough that I could see her but it wasn’t. I needed more… I shook her shoulder to no effect, so I sat up beside her. We’d have plenty of time to sleep tomorrow on the plane, it’s not like she needed to be completely rested. I crawled on top of her and shook her again. She shifted but went still again without opening her eyes. This time I heard Taeyeon’s laughter through the wall and frowned at it. “Yuri-ahhh…” I whispered and shook her again. Her eyes came open and she found me perched atop her with a look of surprise before rolling onto her side. She almost rolled me off of her. “Wake up.” I said, leaning over her, resting my head on her shoulder. “Why?” She whimpered. “Because…” I whined. I didn’t really have an answer. “What’s with you?” She said, eyeing the clock. I slid off of her and put my arms around her from behind. “I just miss you.” I said. “But I’m right here.” She said. Her tone of voice led me to believe that she was, in fact, still asleep but she rubbed my arm comfortingly anyway.
I pressed my face into her back and let my hand snake under her tank top to her stomach. I knew of one surefire way to wake her up… “What are you doing?” She asked, recoiling a little from my cold hand. I didn’t answer. Instead, I just let my fingertips trace the defined lines of Yuri’s abs. Yuri’s body was her temple. I knew it was the one physical thing about herself she was most proud of, and she very much had every right to be. She worked countless hours in the gym just to perfect it and that’s exactly what happened, her body… was absolutely perfect, like it was sculpted out of ivory. Her head picked up and she smirked over her shoulder at me smugly. “You like that?” She asked. I bit my lip and nodded to great effect; she seemed egged on by this. She gave the biggest, fakest yawn I’d ever seen and brought her hands above her head, arching her back and stretching her long body, but I knew better. She was flexing for me. And as remedial and, perhaps, narcissistic as that sounds, I found it adorable. Her abs became harder and even more defined underneath my touch. I used the opportunity to slide my other hand under her enjoy all of Yuri’s stomach. Yuri… knew how to move, to put it lightly. She knew exactly how to be sexy and she was in complete control of her body. I looked forward to what was in store for me in that regard… though I was in no rush to get there.
“Ooh, sexy…” I whispered, grinning. She chuckled lightly and rolled over to face me, looking slightly red but pleased with herself. “Alright, let’s hear it.” She said. “Eh?” “Why are you waking me up at one in the morning, Sica?” “I wanted your attention.” I said, seeing no reason to lie. “I went like a week without you, but I’m sorry I shouldn’t have woke you.” Yuri smiled widely. “Sica, baby, don’t worry about waking me up.” She said. Her eyes sparkled even in the darkness while she looked upon me. She brought a finger into my hair and started curling it around her finger. It was still early enough in the relationship that she could give me butterflies just by looking at me like this. I waited for her next move on baited breath, letting my eyes fall to her lips, hoping to tip her off. She smiled again. “And just what are you after?” She whispered. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said, grinning at her accusation.
“Liar.” She said. She pushed herself up onto her hands and knees and crawled slowly on top of me. I bit my lip to curb a shiver that was running through me. Feeling her body on top of me with a few thin layers of cloth being the only thing separating me from her warm flesh made me tremble. I felt like she was actually melting me. My muscles, my bones… everything she touched caught fire and burned me from the inside out. I could tell she was enjoying my reaction. I had no way of hiding what I was feeling. “Ah, I think I found what you were after.” She whispered, grinning. She was so close now that her nose brushed against mine. I just closed my eyes and waited. I didn’t want to ask for it. I wanted her to kiss me because she wanted to. “Yah, now that I’m awake you try and go back to sleep?” She asked. I bit my lip and opened my eyes, partially gutted that she didn’t understand, but I was met with a light, playful expression. I gathered that she was joking with me. We locked eyes and she started closing the distance between us. “You are… so beautiful.” She said softly. It sounded like her speech was getting caught in her throat. My heart was thrashing against my ribcage. Finally, I didn’t feel alone anymore. Finally, I was special; I would never be ignored again. I belonged to Yuri.
She tilted her head into mine, teasing my skin with her warm breath and I could just barely feel her lips brush against mine when something heavy hit the wall behind us. We jumped apart. “Agngnh!” I heard somebody moan. “Fany-ah, that was my head! Are you trying to kill me?!” “Shhhh..” Tiffany’s low chuckle came first before both of their laughter trailed off into silence. Yuri was staring at the wall with her mouth hanging open. “Is… Is that what woke you up?” She asked me. I shook my head… lying. “I have no problem telling them to shut up.” Yuri said, glaring now. “No, it’s fine. It doesn’t bother me.” I lied again. “I’m going to go give them a piece of my mind.” She started to push herself up. I threw my hand onto her shoulder to try and keep her in place and she looked at me inquisitively. “Yuri-ah… stay.” I pouted.
“It’ll only take a sec-.” She said. “Please.” I pleaded when she tried to move again. “Stay with me.” “…It really bothers me. They know you’re in here. They have no respect for… for us.” I took a deep breath and tried to control my face. Did I like listening to Taeyeon and Tiffany fool around? No. It sucked and to be completely honest, the first night I spent in this room and had to listen to them I ended up in tears but when Yuri was in my face it was only an afterthought. I was still damaged goods as far as unrequited love but she had to know that I was getting better. I was healing because she was there for me. I rubbed her shoulder and as we exchanged a glance I think she understood what I was feeling and how much I needed her. “Alright. I’m not going anywhere.” She breathed. I smiled and starting rubbing her defined shoulder. After a while she flexed her arm and gave me a dorky grin. I giggled. “Come back.” I said, holding my arms out. Fire and ice… Without hesitating she dove into them and we crashed against the mattress.
She was nuzzling her face into the crook of my neck and suddenly everything was okay in the world again. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face. It was like that whole incident never even happened… If we could keep this up maybe I could forget I ever had feelings for Taeyeon. Maybe… I can be the girlfriend that Yuri deserves. “Yuri-ah…?” I whispered. Unable to wait any longer, a traced a finger up the front of her throat and brought her face level with mine. I kissed her just long enough to make her chase my lips in return when I pulled away. Her soft lips became one with mine and I gripped her shoulders tightly, trying desperately to be even closer to her than I already was. While she kissed me, I opened my eyes to watch her delicate expression. I felt so much better about myself. Tonight, I wasn’t thinking about anybody else. It was a step in the right direction. No looking back. Jessica Hwaiting! -------------------------------------------------------------------------“C’mon Tae.” Tiffany said, waiting up for me. I’d stopped in the corridor leading off of the plane to make sure my bag was securely shut. I was in a particularly happy mood to be coming back to Korea after such a short trip to Japan. When I’d heard the schedule of shooting a music video I
really anticipated more work, but it was the easiest experience of my life. MV’s are usually days upon days of work, choreography, makeup and wardrobe… Time Machine was lip synching and a few ‘acting’ shots… piece of cake. I stood up straight again and smiled at Tiffany, making pace beside her as we started through the airport. “Wow. It’s packed.” Tiffany said, glancing around. We took our time going through but for a night arrival the airport was extremely busy. It seemed like a lot of people were there for us. I saw Sooyoung and Sunny pass us as we really tried to take it all in. You can only ignore people screaming your name for so long until your head automatically turns. “Stay close to me.” Tiffany whispered. I nodded. Peculiar, sometimes, how our fans can know exactly where we are at every moment, whether our schedule is announced publically or not. There were pink balloons and camera flashes everywhere. I saw little pink clouds in my eyes where I’d caught a flash. We were almost to the exit when I felt my sneaker come loose. “Yah, Tiffany wait up.” I said, and dropped to a knee to retie it. The voices around me were getting louder; I continued to do my best to ignore them. I pulled my hood over my head while I stood upright and was surprised to find myself completely surrounded by people. I looked around and I couldn’t find Tiffany. It was mostly men surrounding me, pointing their cameras in
my face, yelling loudly to get my attention and pushing one another. I froze on the spot and dropped my head low. How could they have swarmed me so quickly? Where was security? Where… was Tiffany? Did she leave me? I felt like I was shrinking in front of them. Every one of my muscles contracted and I just stood there unable to move, not that I would have been able to get anywhere with all these people obstructing my way. Fear started creeping within me. I had no protection, no safety whatsoever. If just one of these people wasn’t quite right in the head I could be hurt, killed. They could make an easy escape amongst this madness. My heart told me to get out, I had to get out but I had no way. Calm down, Taeyeon, you aren’t going to die in this airport. I took a sigh of relief when I saw airport security starting appearing first, pushing their way into the center and trying to make a small buffer zone around me. I was shocked that my own security hadn’t appeared yet. This was the biggest lapse in our security since somebody had actually made it onto the stage and pulled me off. Why did it always end up being me? We were moving now, albeit, slowly. The crowd was getting rowdier. I kept my head down, I wanted to cry. As an idol, you know to expect this. By becoming rich and famous you automatically sign up for this sort of treatment. Getting into a scary situation in public didn’t happen this bad very often, but we all knew it would probably happen eventually to each of us.
I looked at each of the faces around me. It seemed like a mixture of people, wide eyed young fans who were there and genuinely excited to see me and people who just wanted to get the shot, to the picture of me the movie that would be playing on the internet. I wasn’t sure I considered those people to be fans. And I felt bad for the real fans that were there that also had to deal with this. I saw some good Samaritans were now trying to quell the crowd and aid the security. Shock crossed my face when I saw Tiffany reemerge, pushing her way between two tall men at the front of the buffer zone. She took my arm in hers and my head automatically came to rest on her shoulder. Now that I had somebody else next to me I could feel how hard I was shaking. “…I’m… so sorry, Tae…” She whispered into my head. I shook it abruptly. Not far behind her our real security started showing up and shoving people out of the way. I actually started to cry when I saw the real fans getting the same treatment as the idiots that were causing this mayhem. Small girls, and children being shoved viscously away for doing nothing wrong… because of me. They caused a breach in the circle around us and one of the men I recognized as our lead security starting pulling us through it. I clutched to Tiffany’s hard so tightly that her arm must have been going numb by now, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t lose her again. When we finally made it into the street there were two vans we were being split into. We both went to enter the same one but Tiffany got pulled in and I got pulled into the other one. I finally got a glance of her face as the door to her van was closing. It was void of any color and full of remorse.
Inside the warm quiet van I could hear how loud I was breathing. I didn’t immediately recognize who was with me, where I was sitting, and what was being said around me, I just knew I was suddenly safe. A long arm reached over the seat in front of me and took my hand and I looked up into Sooyoung’s concerned face. When we locked eyes, I started crying in earnest. “It’s okay…” She said, soothingly. I looked beside me and saw that Jessica and Yuri were there. I immediately felt my cell phone vibrate, but I ignored it. My muscles refused to unlock. Jessica was talking to Yuri too softly to be able to overhear. Yuri didn’t answer, but I suddenly felt arms come around me and my head was on Jessica’s shoulder. Another hand reached around her to come to rest on my head. “We were so worried. They wouldn’t let us come back for you.” Yuri said. “Are you hurt?” Jessica murmured. I shook my head. My thoughts were slowly becoming ungarbled and I registered Thomas in the front seat screaming into his phone angrily. My muscles were relaxing and I reached into my pocket to fish out my cell phone without removing myself from Jessica’s embrace. Four missed text messages already, all from Tiffany. All apologies, begging forgiveness, blaming herself… It was my fault not hers. Stupid shoe… I
started typing quickly to try and calm her down. I sent a text off and looked up into Jessica’s face to find it just as white as Tiffany’s had been. Yuri was holding onto her free hand tightly. I wondered if she got permission to comfort me. “I’m fine.” I said, sniffing loudly and wiping my face, trying to regain my composure. “It just got a little dicey back there.” Jessica scrutinized me and patted my shoulder once before reclaiming her arm. “It still is.” Thomas said, hanging up his phone. “We’re being followed.” In unison, we all peered out the back window. I could see at least three taxis following us. The closest of which was so close that if we had to stop I was sure he’d hit us. My mouth fell open. Feeling sick I turned to the front again. I would be unable to watch this without worrying to death. “Omo…” Yuri breathed. “This is insane, Thomas. Can we lose them?” Sooyoung asked. “It would be more dangerous if we drove faster.” Thomas said. I silently agreed and just let my eyes close. It wasn’t a long drive back to the dorm. I wasn’t… the most religious person in the world, but I prayed for our safety, just like I knew Tiffany must be right now. If we would have just
tried to get into this van first, we might have been able to be together right now. I wished so much that she was here. If something happened to their van…. If I lost any of my girls I would never forgive myself. The drive, though it was about fifteen minutes, seemed to go on forever. The vans parked opposite each other inside the dorm parking lot to shield us from the gate where the taxi’s weren’t allowed in. I could still hear people yelling from the entrance as we started to get out. I stepped onto the street and felt immediately weak in the knees, and almost fell. Tiffany launched herself out of their van and took me in her arms immediately. Her tears were running down my neck. “That was so scary.” She whimpered. I sighed in relief again, holding her close and just rocking back and forth as the others got out of the van… Eventually, I felt another pair of arms come around us. And another… And another… We stayed in the parking lot for a long time just consoling one another before we headed for the dorm. To my surprise, there were still people screaming at the gate. ---------------------------------------------------------------Tiffany let me sleep in as long as I wanted to the next day. She was in bed beside me reading when I became conscious again. I woke up with a horrible
headache and didn’t rest very well after everything that had happened. “I want to show you something.” Tiffany said, urging me out of bed. “Can’t I just sleep?” I asked, wanting to roll over and go back to bed. “No… You can in a little bit, okay? Just come to the living room with me.” She said, sending off a text message and standing beside the bed, holding her hands out to me. I looked up at her sadly before taking them, hoping to distract her by just throwing my arms around her and holding her closer. She obliged me… just for a little bit though. She kissed my head and put an arm around me, leading me to the door. “You can’t hide forever, Tae. It was just a lapse-“ “I don’t want to talk about it.” I said, dully. I knew I looked like hell. My hair was askew, I was still wearing pajamas… I didn’t care. What could possibly be so important that I had to go into the living room? I winced and automatically tried to turn around when I saw that everybody seemed to be in there, but Tiffany didn’t release me. I didn’t even understand what they were doing there. They didn’t seem to have a purpose to be congregated like that. I didn’t meet anybodies eyes, just came to stand beside the island awkwardly. I looked at Tiffany, silently asking what the heck we were doing here.
A knock came at the door. “It’s me.” Thomas’ voice said. I groaned and came to stand behind Tiffany, to shield myself from his view when Sunny opened the door. “…What are you all doing?” He asked. I peered around her shoulder at him unknowingly. His eyes caught mine and widened. “You aren’t even dressed? You were supposed to be ready!” He looked panicked now. My stomach dropped. “What?!” Sooyoung asked, “But we don’t have a schedule today!” “Oh yes you do.” Thomas said. “And he’s going to be here any minute.” “…Are they filming the dorm?” Jessica asked with wide eyes. “Yes.” Thomas said. He looked around the corner to where the elevator was and looked back to us. “It’s too late now.” “Oh god.” I said, my head coming to rest against Tiffany’s back. Maybe I could just hide back here. This had to be a nightmare.
A few beats passed. “Hello SNSD.” A man’s voice said. It was somewhat familiar; I wondered what host it was… “Hello.” The girls replied weakly. What a disaster, I thought. “We’ll get started a few moments. I just need to see the leader first.” He said. Sunny giggled. How she could laugh at my misfortune was beyond me. I sighed and stepped out to apologize, to beg for more time to get ready. This was the most unprofessional thing I’d ever done in my career. How could I have forgotten an obligation? I was so sure we had a free day today… But when I looked up and locked eyes with the man that was standing at the door, a box in one hand and a camera that was… strikingly similar to my own open and pointing at me, recognition flooded me. He was taller than me by a substantial amount now, much taller than last time I’d seen him. He wore a baseball cap that was tilted upwards and wore a satisfied grin. His eyes… his eyes were mine. “Jiwoong.” My voice cracked. He stuck his tongue out between his grin. “Hidden camera success!”
I knew everyone was staring at me but I ignored them. I only had eyes for my big brother who I hadn’t seen in so long. I walked to him slowly and he put the box down on the counter delicately and handed the camera off to Sunny before putting his arms around me and picking me up. I burrowed my head into his shoulder and the mild tears just came automatically. My big brother, maybe the relationship that has suffered the most due to my fame, finally came back to see me. I hadn’t even been able to see him for Christmas since he was abroad. “Oppa, what are you doing here?” I croaked. “Well…” He said, setting me down and looking at me, his hands on my shoulders. “I thought for my little sister’s birthday I could make a trip out of it, instead of a lame phone call. I mean, to come to SNSD’s dorm is pretty much torture for any man of my stature, right? But I’ll make that sacrifice for you.” He finished sarcastically. The others laughed. I beamed up at him, as if I wouldn’t be able to look at him long enough. It barely registered at all that today was my birthday. It was easy to forget with how horrible I felt last night. Somebody turned out the lights in the kitchen and the box my brother had been carrying was now open, an ornate cake with lit candles stuck into it dazzled my eyes.
They all started singing at once. I had a hard time looking at the cake with him there; I kept staring up at him unable to believe that he could really be here right now. I blew out the candles not knowing what else I could possibly wish for and the lights came on. Tiffany was immediately cutting cake and I pulled my brother into the living area, onto the couch next to me and just stared at him. It was kind of rude to just take him away before letting him greet everyone else but I needed to be alone with him for just a little while. The others were respecting that. “You know, it’s like four in the afternoon, did you really just wake up?” He asked, looking concerned. I grinned. “I had a rough night.” I said. “I heard.” He looked angry. “Nothing really happened… it’s not a b-“ “It’s frustrating.” He smiled, tightly. “To know that I can’t do anything to protect my little sister when she’s in danger is unbearable.” “You don’t have to worry about me.” I patted his hand. “I asked your manager if I could join your security team.” He chuckled.
“You didn’t really, did you?” I asked, warily. “I did. He said I was too scrawny.” He laughed. “Oppa, you have your own stuff going on. Really, don’t worry about me.” I took his hat off and brushed my hand through his shorter hair, shorter than I’d ever seen it. “It’s starting to come back from the military.” He said, running his own hand through it. “Do you like it?” “You look very handsome.” I smiled. He smiled back at me until his attention was caught on Tiffany who was bringing us cake and ice cream. I took a plate and watched as my brother surveyed Tiffany with controlled interest. He nudged me when she walked away. “That’s the one? Tipani?” He asked. “Eh?” His eyebrows rose. “Umma tells me everything, you know…” He said. I stared at him as took a bite of cake, managing to get frosting on his nose.
So Mom had told him. He… didn’t seem bothered by it, rather more interested in the cake than anything else. It wasn’t until he swallowed that he looked back at me. “It’s fine.” He grinned. “Really.” I nodded slowly. He really made things too easy for me. Though, I remember being a preteen and having him threaten to beat up any boy that would ever dare try to date me, or hurt me. I thought maybe this brought him peace of mind. That he considered Tiffany a safer option, rather than the guys he'd expect me to bring home from the music industry... “That’s the one.” I said, looking back up at Tiffany who was keeping herself busy in the kitchen. “And you’re happy?” He asked. “Very.” “That’s all that matters.” He said, scooping some ice cream into his mouth. “Oppa… You can’t tell mom but…” I started. I trusted him more than anybody else in the world… “I asked her to marry me.” I whispered the last part. “Oh?” He asked, his mouth hanging open, cake crumbs falling down onto his T-shirt.
I nodded and brushed them away. “We’re engaged.” I said. “Wow, you’re so grown up.” He said, his eyes sparkling down at me. “How are you going to keep that one from Mom?” “We’re not getting married for a long time.” I said. “I’ll tell Mom eventually.” “She misses you.” He said thoughtfully, putting his plate aside and rubbing his hands together. “I miss her, too.” … I leaned my head on his shoulder and just rested there for a long while. We talked about his life, how he’s working at my father’s shop while he looks for something better. After yesterday’s events, hearing about the normalcy of his life made me jealous. I could see the others from the kitchen watching us. Tiffany was the most obvious. I motioned for her to come over and she sat on the on the other side of the couch next to him. He leaned off me when she sat and looked at her inquisitively. Tiffany looked a little nervous to be honest. She offered a hand to him and he immediately looked insulted by it. I could see this alarmed her. Instead, he pulled her into a hug.
She looked at me, a little shocked, while she was in his arms. “So, you’re my new sister, now?” He asked, his lip curling. Tiffany smiled hugely. “Aish, that eye smile is even more intense in real life.” He said, glancing to me. “Tell me about it.” I smirked. “Yah!” Tiffany said, making a faux scowl. “Aw, don’t gang up on her.” Sooyoung said, leaning against the wall. The others were starting to trickle into the living room now. The expression on Sooyoung’s face made me suspicious. She couldn’t take her eyes off my brother. “Isn’t my brother handsome?” I said to the room in general. I pulled his hat back off and pinched his cheek. He recoiled. “Yes.” A few of them agreed. Sunny snickered. “Handsome with a very beautiful g-” I stopped my mid sentence when I went to take his hand. His ring was missing. There was still even a tan line from where it had been. He held up both hands to me and smiled mechanically. “No ring. No beautiful girlfriend.”
I frowned. He’d been with his last girlfriend for over a year. “And why are you trying to ruin my chances with SNSD?” He asked, grinning. Sooyoung nodded enthusiastically, agreeing with him. I looked up at her and she looked away. Omo… “Right, um, you haven’t seen these dorms before, have you? I should give you a tour.” I said. “Your ice cream’s melting.” He said, pointing to my ignored plate. I looked down at it. “I’ll give you a tour.” Sooyoung said. “Yeah?” He asked, getting up. My mouth fell open. “Me too.” Sunny said, grinning. The three of them disappeared around the corner and I was left staring after them. Tiffany scooted over on the couch next to me. “I miss you.” She whispered into my shoulder. “Aigoo, I miss you too.” I said, realizing I haven’t really had any time with her since Japan. “You knew about this?” I asked. She nodded. “It was a really good surprise, right?” She asked. She picked the spoon up off my
plate and offered me some ice cream.
“The best.” I beamed.
Yuri and Jessica were on a different couch together, seemingly in another world with one another, sharing a low conversation. Yuri caught me staring at her and smiled at me. I smiled back.
“And over on this side of the dorm are our rooms.” Sunny said. They now were on either side of my brother, an arm looped through each of his, leading him along. Hyoyeon thought better of remaining in the living room and followed after them.
Truthfully, he looked like he was in heaven.
“Now I know where you get all your expressions.” Yuri said, when they were out of earshot. Her speaking to me had popped Jessica’s bubble and she looked over as well.
“People have always said that.” I smiled.
When they returned, we sat around for a long while and he shared stories with us from the real world; from a normal life. The girls seemed to hang on his every word and my head with its still pounding headache landed on Tiffany’s shoulders as I listened. Her fingers were loosely intertwined with mine.
“I’ll tell you what though. It’s annoying having a SNSD member as a sibling.” He shook his head.
“Why?” I asked, a little affronted.
“Well, in University, you know how you get a random roommate in the dorms. And I’d have the pictures of my family lined up, Umma Appa, Haeyeon, Taeyeon. And my roommates would
come in and think Taeyeon was my bias.” He said, looking at me severely.
Tiffany was clapping frantically.
That’s awkward.
“But eventually they’d find out who I was, and then they’d want me to set them up with her. Like on a date.” He rolled his eyes.
Sunny was on the floor laughing. Sooyoung stood, positioned perfectly opposite him; The only person in the room standing. How obvious could she be?
“This one term.” He pointed a finger in the air. “I had a roommate and we shared a bunk. I was on the bottom and he was on the top bunk. And he actually had a poster of Taeyeon on the ceiling right above his head.”
I remembered hearing about this before.
“I wanted to clobber the guy. Ironically, he’s the only one that didn’t find out I was related to her.” He looked over to me grinning, but his smile faded when he saw me.
“You look tired.” He said.
“I just have a headache.” I said. “I’m fine.”
He stood up.
“I should get back to the hotel.” He said, halfway pulling out his cell phone to glance at the time.
“You don’t have to.” I shook my head.
“I don’t leave until late afternoon tomorrow.” He smiled and held a hand out to me.
I took it and he pulled into another tight hug.
“Oppa, it’s so good to see you.” I mumbled against his chest.
“We’ll spend more time together tomorrow.” He insisted. “And you too.” He pointed at Tiffany.
“Yes!” She said.
He messed up my hair even worse than it already was before heading to the door. “Rest well.”
“Goodnight.” I said.
The others bade him farewell and dispersed. I caught Sooyoung by the elbow before she walked away.
“You and I are talking tomorrow.” I looked at her seriously.
She bit her lip and smiled, walking away without a word.
My hand came to my throbbing head, and before I knew it Tiffany was leading us to our bedroom. I fell into the bed immediately, registering that I hadn’t even changed out of my pajamas all day long. I heard the door lock and felt her to come to rest beside me. “That was really sweet.” She mused. “Watching you two together.”
I sighed contently, happy to be back in the silence and enjoying Tiffany’s hand running up and down my back.
“Do you even know how much I love you?” I asked, without opening my eyes.
“I think I have a general idea.” She said, smiling. “But it’s not half as much as I love you.”
I shook my head and fought against the silent weight that was already pressing in on me. Stress can do a lot of things to people, evident in the headache I was suffering from and the sore muscles I had all over. I had to sleep this off as much as I wanted to just stay up with Tiffany all night, my body needed rest.
“Do you want your present now or tomorrow?” She asked.
I hesitated and grudgingly said, “Tomorrow.”
She pulled me up to lay correctly in the bed and pulled the covers over both of us.
…
“It makes me happy that you told him.”
“I’ll tell everyone soon enough. And whether they approve or not I’ll still be so proud that you’re mine.” I breathed.
I felt a hand on my face and then her breath. Her lips against mine, sweet like sugar, and I fought with the rest of the energy I had left to kiss her like I wanted to. Like I needed her to kiss me.
When she pulled away I tried hard to opening my eyes to look at her, but I felt them roll, I got a blurred picture of her before I gave up.
“Sleep, baby.” She whispered and smoothed my hair over.
I really should have known that we were due for something bad to happen to us. I should have expected it and been more careful. It seemed fitting that it happened in an airport of all places. If you fly too close to the sun, your wings will melt and you will fall…
Lucky enough for me, Tiffany will always be there to catch me.
.. lucid ..
Play time. As far as muscles and strength go, I know I can’t compare to Tiffany. She can easily pin me without much resistance whenever she wants to, and trust me, when this happens there is nothing to be complaining about. Who alive in this world, man or woman, wouldn’t want to be pinned to a bed underneath Tiffany’s incredible body while she’s wearing her sleeping things? Skin tight shorts with a matching tank top; it was like a tribute to everything beautiful in the world to trace her curves with my eyes. I provided just the right amount of resistance to keep her interested while she held me down. She was strong enough to hold me down with both of my wrists in one of her hand and she used her other hand to try and tickle me. I exaggerated my reactions because I didn’t want her to let go of me. “You aren’t really this weak, are you?” Tiffany asked me, her bottom lip jutting out into a pout. I lifted my head off the bed and leaned into her face, taking her soft
protruding lip between my teeth gently, forcing a wide smile to emerge on her features. Her onyx eyes surveyed me before they shut slowly. She retrieved her lip and turned our wrestling match into a long kiss. I relaxed, melting against the pillow and closed my eyes as well. Her grip on my wrist slackened and I pulled my hands free to land on her lower back. It was funny to think that in just a few hours I would be in a recording studio again. I felt like I was leading a double life now… When did being a pop star move to the end of my priority list? She pushed herself up with her palms against my stomach without breaking the kiss. That was when I felt her hips begin to move against mine. It didn’t take long for the pleasure to build in the pit of my stomach. Everything about Tiffany’s body spoke volumes to me. The urgent way she was clutching me was contagious. Her want became my want and my hands slid lower. “You’re… so beautiful.” She broke the kiss long enough to say in a husky sigh. My body jolted when she resumed the kiss. The sound of her voice, combined with the taste of her lips, the smell of skin, it made my breath hitch. Her soft hair fell into the crook of my neck and tickled me with every pass of friction between our bodies. The intensity of the kiss woke every inherent desire I was familiar with like only Tiffany knew how.
It had been far too long since she had taken me to my special little world… Our kiss was beyond words… I whimpered softly into her mouth as she dug her nails into my stomach with the hand she snaked up my shirt. My neck fell backwards and I took a deep ragged breath. Her lips found the center point of my throat and began sucking. “Omo.” I got out in a cracked voice. “Mm...” Tiffany hummed against me. The vibrations coursed through my veins and seemed powerful enough to interrupt my pulse. Her body was like fluid poetry. It seemed like she could predict my every movement knew exactly what to do with hers to bring me the most pleasure. When I stretched inward with a gasp, she arched into me, her hips digging into mine, her backside turning into a perfect firm slope that made me want her more. I groped her shamelessly with both hands… I can’t understand why she’s still toying with me. At this rate, I could very well climax before she even touches me. Hadn’t we just been play wrestling only minutes ago? How could such strong unyielding desire become so powerful in such a small interval? My only answer was Tiffany. Just… Tiffany. Finally, she seemed to be getting down to business. Her hands were jerking at my pajamas, my shirt pulled almost over my head. When I felt my flannel pants being tugged down, her flat bare abs brushed against mine. That was
it, it was too much. I inhaled deeply through my dry mouth but when I sighed, an unfamiliar soft mewl accompanied it. Was that me? My heavy eyelids flew open and I felt immediately frozen of my fever. Tiffany stalled, a puzzled expression on her face as well. Her hand was suspended, still gripping the top of my pajama pants. Staring into her eyes and trying to catch my breath. Tiffany, who recovered quicker than I did, smirked and found my neck again, evidently calling the random outburst a fluke and disregarding it. Then I heard it again. I gasped. Tiffany’s head popped up again, this time she was staring at the wall behind us with her mouth hanging open. No, that definitely wasn’t me and it wasn’t Tiffany either. It shouldn’t have upset me as much as it did, but all I could feel was outrage. It seemed so early in their relationship to be hearing this sort of thing coming from their room. Tiffany just seemed amused by this development, leaning up to press her ear against the wall. I couldn’t complain with the position, her stomach came to rest against my face, but I pushed her away and sat up to glare at her. “What?!” She worded. “Why would you want to listen to that?” I whispered.
She grinned sheepishly before shrugging. Had Yuri and Jessica’s relationship catapulted to new heights in the last week and I was completely oblivious to it? Actually, since the incident at the airport I don’t recall speaking to either of them. Was it my ignorance or was Jessica ignoring me? “Why do you look so angry?” Tiffany whispered. “It’s… It’s disrespectful.” I growled. “Tsch.” She smirked. “We do it to them all the time, don’t we?” I resumed my glare at her, my mouth opened to answer but I realized I didn’t have one. I wasn’t able to articulate my anger. She was right, of course, and that only made things infinitely worse. I thought being forced to listen to this in the safe haven of my bedroom was a great injustice. But even though I reprimanded Tiffany for doing the same thing, I found myself listening closer. Jessica… To be honest, she didn’t sound much different. If I wasn’t absolutely certain about the circumstances in the next room over, I might have been able to trick myself into believing that she was just… singing, or something. Her soft voice seemed to be built in order to convey the thralls of pleasure she was in now. She sounded muffled, like she was fighting a losing battle just trying to keep quiet. I imagined her face being held against the mattress and the
thought of what I must sound like to them made me so sick to my stomach I got to my feet. I tugged my disheveled pajamas to fit correctly and made my way across the room. “Where are you going?” Tiffany asked. “Anywhere.” I muttered, pulling the door open. I felt guilty thinking about asking Sunny to switch rooms with me again. Overall, I just felt uneasy. Somehow, I’d just translated everything I’d just overheard as a personal attack and I couldn’t figure out why. Seohyun was silently reading on the couch in the living room, and then I realized I’d never be able to switch rooms. To live next to her would mean she could hear us, to switch with her would mean she could hear Jessica and Yuri. To put Seohyun within the proximity of something so impure felt like a crime against humanity. I was stuck. Or maybe… it was time to consider getting a separate apartment? I sat beside Seohyun and without a word she rested her head on my shoulder and continued reading. I really envied her innocence sometimes. I put an arm around her shoulder and rested my head on hers wondering if she could see the dismay on my face.
Tiffany walked into the room and I stared in awe at her hair. It was like I could actually see the place where my hand had been in her hair, gripping it tightly. Her cheeks were still red and she bit her lip and held my phone up to me. It was lit up. “Jiwoong.” She said. I held my hand out for it, but she smirked at me an answered it instead. “Yeobosayo.” … Her smile was huge. “No, Oppa, you don’t have the wrong number.” I searched her flush face and felt selfish for the first time. It took until now to realize that I had literally stormed out right in the middle of a pretty hot session with her over something that didn’t even seem to bother her. I felt… guilty. But she looked more than happy to be talking to my brother. It warmed my heart that they were getting along so well together. “One o’clock?” She asked, glancing towards the clock then to me. I nodded. “Okay Oppa, that sounds good.” She said, grinning. He was apparently putting her through the ringer.
“She’s actually already awake, so you don’t have to worry about that.” She giggled. I smirked, imagining his snarky comment about me sleeping all day. “Okay, we’ll see you then!” She hung up the phone and looked at me with excitement in her eyes. She didn’t seem at all as upset about Jessica and Yuri as I was. Maybe I was blowing it out of proportion? Of course I couldn’t trick myself into believing that while I was still so angry. “He’s bringing lunch.” She said, sitting on the other side of me. Seohyun broke eye contact with her book for the first time to look at Tiffany indignantly. “Don’t worry, I told him to make it light since we’re recording tonight.” Tiffany said to her. “Ah.” She said, returning to her book. I sighed, leaning the other way onto Tiffany’s shoulder. “I should get dressed. I don’t want Jiwoong thinking I live in pajamas.” I said. “Are you alright?” She asked, nudging me with her shoulder. I looked at her.
Being that she was my fiancé now, I should be able to confide in her about everything, right? Why did it feel like if I told her about my unexplainable anger that she wouldn’t understand it? God… My head started hurting. “Of course.” I said, getting up. “I’ll shower first?” Her eyebrows drew together and I felt dread in my stomach because I knew that she knew that I was keeping something from her. I didn’t look into her eyes. “.. Sure.” She said. I began walking towards my bedroom when I remembered something and spun on my heels. I walked down the hall towards Sooyoung’s room and pushed it open. She was lying on her bed studying the script to her upcoming TV show and looked up at me curiously. “Can we talk?” I asked. She marked her place in the script and sat up, crossing her legs. I sat on Hyoyeon’s bed, trying to think what I should actually say. “So, Jiwoong…” I said finally.
Her eyes perked up. “Is he coming back today?” “…Yes.” I said. “Ah.” She grinned. “Jiwoong Oppa’s so handsome.” I stared at her, unblinking. “…So you really are into him?” I asked. “I think it’s a little early to say I’m ‘into him’.” She smirked. “I’m attracted to him, yes.” “Okay… but, this is my brother we’re talking about it’s not some game. It’s not like, ‘Oh, a cute boy. I better flirt and act cute and entice him-‘” “Yah.” She interrupted me. “Are you saying you think I’d hurt him or something?” “I didn’t say that.” I said. “Just-“ “What then?” She asked defensively. “Well, it’s not like anything can happen so why get his hopes up?” I said. “Why can’t it happen?” She asked.
I laughed once out loud. She really didn’t get it. “Oh, gee Sooyoung I don’t know, maybe because you’re a pop star and he’s just a normal guy? You won’t have enough time for him.” “I’ll have time…” “Not enough.” I said. “My brother deserves the best.” I already felt terrible after the words left my mouth. Sooyoung’s pretty face fell. I guiltily got up to sit next to her. “I’m sorry, it’s just… you want the best for your family, right?” “Yeah…” She said softly. … “You know, if we lived normal lives I think you’d be perfect for him. I’d totally give you my blessing.” I said earnestly. Her expression grew darker. “Yeah, I hear that a lot.” She muttered. Not knowing what to say and being totally bad at this to begin with, I patted her hand feebly and made my way to her door before she spoke again. “I think your brother is old enough to make his own decisions.” She said. I sighed.
My day really wasn’t getting any better. I was still angry about Jessica, kept something from Tiffany, and now Sooyoung sounded almost confrontational. I couldn’t afford for things to get any worse. “You’re right. He can.” I said, shrugging and closing her door. I stomped back through the living room annoyed to another level and didn’t even look at Seohyun or Tiffany when I passed. All I wanted was the shower, my safe haven. If I washed hard enough, maybe I could start the day over again. But somebody intercepted me in the hallway. “Oh, are you taking a shower? I can wait.” Jessica said, brightly; unusually bright for Jessica at nine o’clock in the morning. At least she had the decency to brush her hair before coming out of her room… I just nodded without looking her in the face and closed the door behind me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I’m thankful for every moment I get to spend with my family but at the same time having to leave them and not knowing when I’ll be able to see them leaves a void in my stomach and maybe the hardest person for me to leave is my sweet big brother. That being said, it was easy to just lose myself in singing when the time came later that night.
Tiffany, Seohyun and myself were forming a subunit to release a mini album during our short hiatus while the others were pursuing their solo activities. It was a good way to keep SNSD relevant while all nine of us didn’t have clear schedules to be out promoting together. It was a different sound and since Tiffany Seohyun and myself were amongst the strongest vocally, I really got to exercise my abilities. It was fun to perform with just them, but it did feel weird at the same time. It wasn’t something I’d want to turn into a permanent arrangement. Before Tiffany and I were to leave to host Music Wave in Bangkok, SM thought it would be important to at least lay down the vocals for the single, “Twinkle”, and get the promotional pictures out of the way. The singing was the thing I was really looking forward to though. Getting locked into a recording booth was a good way to channel my uneasiness into an art. It was all I could do to keep from pulling my hair out after I watched Jiwoong and Sooyoung exchange phone numbers before he left after she announced that she needed a new texting partner. Though from where I was sitting it seemed that he was more or less oblivious to her attraction towards him. He reminded me of myself, actually. Maybe it was part of the Kim gene. Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him from seeing right through me. His parting words consisted only in telling me to get rest and relax, saying that I looked overworked and stressed out. He hit it right on the button but in order for me to relax it would require changes… changes I couldn’t make just yet. But I did try to relax.
I zoned out the small team of hair and makeup artists working on me before the photo shoot with a simple pair of headphones. I listened to the incomplete recordings of the new songs to look for any input I could give the producers and for a while I did feel relaxed, just being left alone to my thoughts… All was fine, until I opened my eyes. I stared in disbelief at my own reflection in the mirror. The absurd light blue eye shadow and magenta blush made me look so much unlike myself that I truly couldn’t recognize my own face. I seemed to be covered in a thick white powder. I pushed my lips together, merely to see if the unnatural color that stained them could even be real. I looked at the nearest stylist with wide eyes and a parted mouth, words failing me. … “… Is-.. Is this a joke?” I stammered. The stylists looked around at her colleagues for help, obviously not wanting to take the bullet. I pulled my headphones out and waited, staring around at them until another one appeared, carrying the largest most bizarre wig I had ever seen. I felt a pang of horror when I realized that he was standing there with it looking at me because he wanted me to wear it. I stood up. “Where’s Thomas?” I asked.
Silence. … “…Uhh. I think I saw him in Seohyun’s dressing room.” One of them said finally. I turned and left down the hall, faintly regretting the fact that I had to be seen like this in public. I flung the door open two doors down and was brought up short when I saw our sweet maknae sitting in a chair wearing a bright purple wig with yellow eye shadow. My mouth fell open as the full effect of her outfit crashed over me. She even had a little doll sitting on her shoulder. Thomas looked up at the sound of my entrance and I met his eyes incredulously. “What?” He asked. What? Really, I couldn’t believe he could look at me in the state I was in and ask ‘what?’ I sensed movement behind me and found that the man with the wig had followed me, I glared harder at Thomas. “What… kind of concept is this?” I asked.
“Well,” He said. I knew right off that bat that he could tell I was angry. “It’s supposed to be a funky, futuristic-“ “Clowns?” I finished for him. “Funky futuristic circus, and we’re clowns right?” He smirked. “It’s not funny. Is this supposed to be attractive, Thomas?” He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “It’s just the promotional pictures, Taeyeon.” He said. “It better be, because I’m not performing like this.” I said, point blank. Seohyun looked at me with her mouth hanging open. On many occasions she’d watched me talk bad about a particular song or concept we were going to do, but she had never seen me flat out refuse to do it. Her eyes moved to Thomas’ face, which looked just as perplexed. If he was going to give me the lecture about how I had signed a contract, he could save it. I knew they had every right to force me to do practically anything. “Thomas, call whoever you need to call, tell them that this needs to be toned down or you can find one of the other girls to take my place.” I said confidently, owing to the fact that I already knew none of the other girls were available. “M-Miss Kim.” The man with the wig said tentatively.
I sighed. The poor guy was just trying to do his job. I sat in an empty chair and let him put the dreaded thing on me. “I’ll take the pictures, but that’s it.” I said. “That’s all we’re asking you to do.” He said. I sat awkwardly and watched as the wig was put on. He finished up by sticking gems around my eyes. I pouted, knowing that if SM had any confidence in this mini album that they wouldn’t be trying so hard to distract the consumers with these over the top pictures. The door opened again and in the mirror’s reflection I saw Tiffany walk in. Predictably, she was highlighted in an exuberant pink and surprisingly it fit her quite well. Her eyes went huge when she saw that I closely resembled a mandarin orange now, but she didn’t laugh. Rather; she gave me a sympathetic smile. “At least you look good.” I said. She cupped my face in her hands and smiled down at me; Her beautiful eye disappearing smile that made me melt despite my disposition, even if I didn’t want to admit it. “I had a feeling you wouldn’t like this.” She said. At least somebody understood. I suddenly didn’t feel as angry anymore. “Come on.” She said, holding a hand out to me. I took it and let her help me stand up.
She linked arms with me as we walked down the hallway and leaned in to say softly. “The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we’ll be in Bangkok sharing a hotel room alone for two days.” We sat in our places and I let that idea run through my head a bit, resulting in a gigantic smile. Some more time away from the others, that could only help. When we were done with our last minute touchups, the photographer approached us each with a piece of bubblegum. “You guys know how to blow bubbles, right?” I sighed and looked to my side to see that Seohyun was preoccupied with her little doll. Had it ever really been about the music? ---------------------------------------------------------I was perfectly lined up and able to look out of the tall window of the suite that overlooks Bangkok’s beautiful lit up skyline. This must have been my fourth or fifth trip here, how come I had never taken the time to look at it properly before. I feel her cool hands return to the overly soft, freshly showered skin. I
closed my eyes as she slid them up to my shoulders and used them to push herself up to straddle my backside and run her nails up and down my back. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve heaven, but here I was. “Unng.” I groaned. “Tut-tut, you’re so tense. I knew you would enjoy this.” She said. Ever since we’d arrived in Bangkok, she had been hinting at giving me a massage; insisting that it would be exactly what I needed. That I’d feel better after she was done, and I knew she was hinting towards my irritability as of late. I wanted to say what I was thinking. I wanted to explain to her exactly why I thought I wasn’t good enough for her. How I wasn’t cut out to be a fiancé like she was. I didn’t think about the little details, the massages, the roses; every little sweet gesture she would always come up with time after time while I was just… me. I’d never be good enough “Nickhun says he’ll be supporting our subgroup.” She said lightly, as if in conversation. I winced momentarily. Why had she brought him up? “Tsch. I bet he did.” I growled. Tiffany chuckled for a long time, her hands still massaging my muscles.
“Have you been reading the internet again, Tae?” She asked. “Heard of a certain rumored couple? That’s cute and all, but wouldn’t you stop believing such things when I’m… oh I don’t know, massaging your naked body?” I smirked in spite of myself. “Well, he seemed pretty happy with the rumors.” Nickhun, a member of the group 2pm, is the latest of Tiffany’s rumored boyfriends. The only reason we were in Bangkok was to host the Korean Music Wave, which we hosted with him. I have no problem hiding my relationship with Tiffany from the public, but having to do it while a man is standing right in front of me blatantly flirting with her. It was… unpleasant, to say the least. “I think you more than anyone else in the world would know that those rumors aren’t true, silly.” She said. “Yeah, yeah. I know.” I said. But to be fair, I don’t think she saw the way he was looking at her. I felt her hands go limp at the same time I heard her yawn. Her body crumpled beside me moments later, her hair splaying across her face. I moved it aside gently with my pinky and found her soft eyes staring into mine. “Is that what’s been bothering you, love?” She asked softly. Today, yes. It was too difficult to keep things from Tiffany’s understanding
eyes. “Eh.” I said, not quite sure what to say.” “Because, before I thought it was something Jessi did but I didn’t want to press it because I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.” She said. Sneaky Tiffany had essentially just forced an answer out of me without asking a question. I sighed. She scanned my face, trying to read my thoughts as if I were an open book. “She did do something.” I said. … “… Or maybe she didn’t. I don’t know. I just feel really uneasy about the whole situation. “But why?” Tiffany asked. “Well, she was just in love with me wasn’t she? And a few weeks pass and she’s already….” “…Already having sex with Yuri.” Tiffany finished it for me. I flinched at how bluntly she put it. “But you wanted her to move on.” Tiffany said.
“Of course I did. It was just so fast, wasn’t it?” Tiffany scrutinized me, squinting to see any possible change in my facial expression. “…Taeyeon, are you jealous?” I gasped so hard that I began coughing. Tiffany beat a steady rhythm upon my back until I recovered. The magnitude of her question shocked me. “Of… COURSE not!” I said. “Shhh..” She said, rubbing my side, “Don’t get all defensive, you answered without thinking. Have… you ever actually thought about it?” I stared at her in disbelief. Was she really trying to initiate a casual conversation about whether or not I was jealous that Jessica is in a relationship? She could have very well been discussing nail polish color with her outward indifference. How could anyone be so understanding? “H-Have you?” She prompted me again. “No. Not really.” “Ah.” She nodded. “Maybe you care more about her than you’d like to admit.” She said. “Of course I care about her, she’s… one of my oldest friends.” I said.
Was one of my oldest friends, I amended in my head, and then I understood it. “But I don’t think she really considers me a friend anymore.” I said softly. “We don’t… really talk anymore, since… everything.” Tiffany’s hand was in my hair again. I closed my eyes to her soothing touch. “That’s a pretty good reason to be upset, Tae.” She chuckled. “Actually, I can’t figure out why you would want to keep that from me.” “It was just extra stress I would have put on you.” I said. “I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression and think I was harboring feelings for her.” Tiffany rolled onto her back and stared off in thought, a smile curling her lips. “Even if you were, what could I do about it?” I pulled her arm around me and cuddled into her shoulder, knowing I could never do such a thing to her. “I've put a lot of thought into it and... Well, Do you remember Australia, Tae?” “The good part or the bad part?” I asked. “The bad part.” She said.
I nodded. How could I forget the worst day of my life? “Remember what it was like being told you couldn’t see the person you loved? I think, now that I know what that feels like, if Jessi really meant that much to you, even if you were attracted to her, I couldn’t keep you from seeing her.” She said. As thoughtful as I knew Tiffany to be, this took her selflessness to new heights. I planted a quick kiss onto her collar bone and held her tighter; my unending infatuation with Tiffany was reaching new heights. “And how could I break up with you over that? You can’t control who you have feelings for. Besides, I trust you more than anything in the world and I know when you tell me you love me, you mean it. If you ever loved anybody else, you wouldn’t love them as much as you love me.” She said. “Ah, but I don’t love anybody else.” I said. “I just… miss her.” “You haven’t really talked to her huh? If her and I could talk it out and be okay then you two shouldn’t have a problem.” She said. “Well, I think it’s my fault.” I said. “I really put up some walls when she confessed…” “Understandable.” Tiffany mused. “I mean it was awkward, right?” “It was just out of nowhere!” I chuckled. “But I probably could have handled it better.” “Just give her some time.” Tiffany said, before yawning. “I think she just
needs to recover, you know? It couldn’t have been easy for her. Yuri’s probably taking her mind off of everything.” I sighed contently, immediately feeling immense relief. Tiffany had this way of making extremely difficult situations seem like they aren’t that bad. After a while of just lying there, she rolled over to turn off the lamp and pulled the covers up over us. She pulled me close into her shoulder and with the arm she had around me, she held my hand. All I could think about was how perfect she was. The most perfect girl in the universe belonged to me. I was going to make her mine forever. “Tipani? I won’t keep anything from you again.” I said. “Good.” She breathed. “Cause we’re a team.” Even though she was nearly half asleep, she used her fingertips to trace mine. This small gesture she’d done a hundred times before always made me feel warm inside. How softly her fingers were grazing mine; how she would trace and retrace every curve as if trying to memorize it. It was almost compulsive… Her movements grew more and more faint, but she continued until the very moment she fell unconscious. When she stopped, I just listened to her breathing and thought about what she’d said to me. Eventually, my heavy eyelids gave way and I felt myself drop out almost immediately.
Strangely I felt complete aware that I was having a dream and even recognized my surroundings. It was exactly as I remembered it, right down to the salty sea air and the orange tint caused by the huge bonfire on the beach. I was at the window, leaning against the wall for support. My body was limp with untold stress and pain. I could hear Tiffany crying. Much like it was the first time in real life, it caused me too much pain to look at her. I had to look away. I peered out the window and saw exactly what I knew was supposed to be there. This image of the girls standing in front of the fire is something I know I’ll always remember. The intensity of the fire and how still they were… it was like they weren’t even breathing, though I was so far away that it was impossible to know whether that was true or not. My eyes focused on the one brought to her knees, squinting to try and see which one it was. Probably Sunny, but I didn’t really care enough to investigate any further. All I knew was the instant I recognized my surroundings, I felt the same feeling of dread I felt the first time I’d lived through it. “Tipani… I’ll never give up on you. We’ll find a way.” I said in a cliché dreamlike echo. “I know..” I locked eyes with her but our gaze didn’t last long before Thomas came back in. “I’ve prepared your room.” He said to Tiffany.
This was one of the hardest parts of the evening, I remembered. Tiffany sighed very audibly and stood with her bag slung over her shoulder. Before she left, she put a hand on my shoulder and kissed the corner of my mouth. I would never forget how that felt either; Tiffany tears smeared across my cheek… I let them dry there. I stayed perched at the window for a long time and eventually the other girls started returning to the house, obviously disenchanted with their bonfire. Their diversion gone wrong. The shortest of them began walking first and I noticed the one on her knees remained despite one of the taller girls trying to help her up. When I heard the sliding door open downstairs, I had the urge to flee. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Talking about it would achieve nothing. I crossed the room and locked the door quickly, turning and laying on the mattress on top of the comforter. I didn’t need their pity. Predictably, Sunny’s voice came first and insistent as ever, she even tried turning the doorknob against the lock without much success. Her one sided conversation through the door went unanswered. I just remained blank,
staring at the ceiling. A few of the others gave me words of encouragement but didn’t hang around as long. There was nothing that could be said to make this better and I think they knew that… I waited for the house to grow absolutely silent before I got back to my feet. I was convinced that this would be the longest night of my life since I knew sleep would never come. With a quick glance out the window I could see the fire had died down to nothing more than an eerie glow. It was so dull that I could only just make out the outline of where the wood had been. My eyes became more drawn to the white caps of the wave that were visible even in the darkness. It called to me, as if I was being summoned. I needed air. I needed… something. I managed to open my door soundlessly, stepping lightly as if through a minefield, knowing the slightest creak in the floorboards could get me discovered. When I got to the ground level my face fell. The room I assumed Tiffany to be in had to be one of these closed doors. I had a wild idea about breaking her out and escaping to the beach together, but it was no good. The doors looked identical and there was no way to tell which one was hers… If I went in the wrong door I’d be in Thomas’s room and that would likely start another shouting match. Eventually, my eyes went elsewhere… over the dark furniture around the living area… to the bar. I felt my way over there and grabbed the first bottle
my hand came upon, not knowing what it was. It didn’t really matter what it was, just that it served its purpose and suppressed the pain. I snuck out the slider and stepped quickly through the porch and onto the sand. I wasn’t sure what my purpose of being out here was but I knew I couldn’t sit in that room anymore. It felt like a prison. To think that, just mere hours ago, Tiffany and I were in rapture in this very same water seemed impossible. The tide has risen so much since the sun had gone down and the entire world had ended since then. It was as good as a different ocean to me now. I plopped down on top of the highest sand dune overlooking the sparkling dark water. It was absolutely freezing outside but I couldn’t feel it. It was actually somewhat refreshing just to feel my hair get tossed around by the wind, but apart from that my body was too numb to discern cool from cold. My heart was already on ice, it didn’t matter. I glanced down at the bottle in my hands and was now able to read the black and white label properly… well almost. “Jack Daniel’s.” I unscrewed the square bottle and recoiled at how strong it smelled. “Wow, Taeyeon-ah, are you going to share that?”
Jessica’s voice… I turned. “D-Did you follow me out here?” I asked in a choked voice full of accusation. “Listen, I don’t really want to talk about it.” “No. I was out here first.” Jessica said, pointing to the remains of the fire. “We don’t have to talk.” I examined the pile of ashes, wondering how I could have just walked right by without even seeing her. “I highly doubt you’ll be able to drink that straight.” She said, pointing my direction back to the bottle. “What is it?” I asked, happy to be diverted off the obvious topic. “It’s rum, nothing like Soju. Very strong.” She said. Rum… No I don’t ever remember trying rum before. I didn’t drink often and when I did Soju was my drink of choice… But hey, if it was good enough for pirates, it was good enough for me. I had a huge wave of déjà vu then and a small part of my subconscious became aware that I was dreaming. It puzzled me, usually my dreams were so bizarre that they didn’t make sense. Everything up to this point seemed to be just a recollection of the past. Every single detail seemed to correlate with my memory perfectly… I remembered the Jack Daniel’s conversation with Jessica.
“I bet I could drink it straight no problem.” I said, knowing that physical abuse to my body would be nothing in comparison to the internal injuries I’d already suffered tonight. She raised her eyebrows as if to say ‘Go on then’ and then I brought the bottle to my lips. … It was horrendous. It took me many seconds just to swallow the foul liquid. Jessica watched me, giggling at the facial expressions I was making. “Agh. Yuck.” I said, wiping my mouth. Jessica took the bottle from me and took a swig herself. She didn’t wretch half as much as I did. “Well it gets the job done at least.” She said. I had to agree with that. I could feel the exact trail of it running through my body where the rum was burning its path through my organs. Wherever it passed, it left me with a warm numb feeling that felt good in comparison to the despair I had deep within me. I was going to need more rum. “You’re supposed to put this in something. Coke, or juice or something.” Jessica explained, her face warped with the last of the taste of the rum before handing me the bottle back.
I was just grateful she wasn’t asking me a hundred questions about what happened with Thomas. Actually, she didn’t seem to want anything. She just seemed to be here keeping company and it wasn’t hard to share silence with her. We passed the bottle back and for the a few more times before I pushed it into the sand to rest and leaned back on my palms. “You can say whatever you want about what happened here, but this is such a beautiful country.” She said finally. She was right. “I don’t think I’ll ever want to come back.” I said. “I don’t blame you.” She said. I stared at the water, so thankful that the alcohol was finally reaching my brain and making it feel numb. I was nowhere near being drunk, but anything that could make me think a little less was welcome. “You fell in love with her so quickly.” She said. I winced. The talk had begun. I just nodded. “It surprised me… I thought you two would get along together but I had no idea it would be so intense so quickly.” She said. Why was she forcing this subject? It had to be obvious just by my facial
expression that I didn’t want to talk about this. “What’s it like? Falling in love?” She asked, softly. “I don’t know how to describe it.” I said. She nudged me. “Try?” “Mm…” I sat there thinking for a while. “It just completes you. I mean everyone has questions… like why am I here? What’s the meaning of life?.. it answers those questions… It gives you a higher purpose.” Tiffany was my higher purpose now. She hung on my every word, resting her hand on her chin. “That sounds so romantic.” “It is.” I nodded. At least I thought I had all those answers earlier today, but now everything is up in the air. My eyes started to sting and I turned my head away from Jessica. … “Aren’t you cold?” She asked. I shook my head stiffly.
She rubbed my shoulder anyway, using friction to try and warm me; either that or she knew I was getting emotional. Her hand slid down my shoulder to my arm where she took my hand. I looked back into her face and it wasn’t pity I found there, but support. It was exactly what I needed to see. “Eesh, come here.” She said, pulling me close and pushing the moisture away from my eyes. I worked hard to stop crying. “Are you tired?” She asked. I knew how much Jessica loved sleep... “Go ahead, don’t let me keep you up.” I said. She laughed. “I’m not leaving you in front of a large body of water with a huge bottle of liquor, Taeyeon-ah, that has disaster written all over it.” She smiled. I grinned back at her. She stood up and held a hand out to me. I took it and we walked back, laughing at our failed senses when we stumbled. She had to do her best to keep me quiet as we made our way back upstairs. I had this stupid grin on my face that I knew I shouldn’t have been wearing,
but it all faded when she led me into my room. I stared at how empty it was. Tiffany wasn’t waiting in my bed and almost in the same breath from my last laugh, I started crying. “Omo, shhhh..” Jessica said, hugging me again. I couldn't stop this time. In a last stitch effort, she tried tucking me in. She rubbed my forehead and moved my hair out of my eyes. And it all made it worse. She was doing everything that I knew Tiffany would be doing for me if she was here. “You’ll see her tomorrow, Taeng…” She said softly. It would never be the same. If Jessica left me now, I knew I’d end up back out on the beach in no time flat. She stood up straight, as if she was going to leave and I grabbed her wrist. “Sica…” … “…Stay.” I said. Our eyes locked. “Please.”
Jessica… took a long time thinking about my request before she said, “Move over.”, and climbed in beside me. She was studying me… her eyes wide with wonder while she traced her fingers over my face. I opened an eye and looked back into hers and she used a thumb to wipe some more excess moisture away from my eyes. Her mouth was a flat line and I studied her unique, pretty face as well… the sliver of my awareness only barely registering how this might be wrong. She smelled and felt different than Tiffany, but I needed her tonight… And it felt… nice… “No more crying…” Jessica said softly. “Rest…” She kissed my cheek which gave me another wave of deja vu. That was something she used to do so often. There was a familiar look to Jessica’s eyes now, that was different than how she looked at me at the beginning of the night. She looked like she was truly seeing me for the first time. Enraptured… Then I felt it, with the most precise movements, Jessica was tracing my hand with hers… …
I sat up abruptly drenched in sweat. “Tae…?” Tiffany said in a cracked voice. I looked sideways at her and she was yawning again. “Tae? Did you have a bad dream?” She asked when she was done, pulling me back to lay down again and cuddling up to me. “…something like that.” I said. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked softly. I was so blown away with how vivid that dream was. I had repressed that night so hard that I couldn't remember what parts were real and what parts were fiction... I started panicking. How could I explain this to Tiffany? My mouth was completely dry. I swallowed hard and turned my eyes to look at her... ...but she had already fallen asleep.
.. pride and prejudice ..
The flight home and the ensuing weeks flew by at light speed and before I knew it we had already debuted together as TaeTiSeo to much success. Every single schedule I had lately was spent with Tiffany and Seohyun and that was nothing to complain about. I missed the other girls immensely, of course, but there was something extremely satisfying about being able to win accolades when it was just the three of us as well. It felt more personal... and it was nice to have an opportunity to get closer to Seohyun, too. It was easier to get used to this schedule, knowing I wouldn't have to leave Tiffany for days on end. It was truly the best of both my private and professional life being attached at the hip with her, and from what I read on the internet the Taeny fan's couldn't have been happier about it. Our pictures were a near constant on fan websites and Music Core ratings were elevated to all time highs... but I wasn't stupid enough to know that our relationship, even if it was never confirmed to be real, was being exploited for commercial use. But acting cute together on TV and radio didn't effect our relationship in a negative light whatsoever, if anything, it just left us with a pit in our stomach that we couldn't satisfy until we were truly out of the public eye long enough to kiss or cuddle... So, in a way, somehow our job was driving us even closer together. And that's how it was now, as I was being led through the intricate hallways of MBC's broadcasting building. Tiffany's hand loosely held in my own, we wove a path through the maze like corridor's in search of our dressing room.
“Here we are.” She said, stopping to point out a laminated piece of paper stuck to a door that read 'Happy together: Dressing room #1'. She pushed the door open and I followed behind her. When the door closed her arms were around me and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to sway back and forth with her as my head found her shoulder. Her now bright red hair fell like curtains around my face and I inhaled deeply, reinvigorating myself with her scent. This was my new tactic for getting through our insanely overworked schedules as of late. Tiffany and I use each other as energy pills. “Are you okay?” She murmured softly into my head. “Mm...” I just sighed, lost in the way Tiffany's body felt against mine. I rubbed her abdomens gently through her shirt with my palms and allowed myself to get lost in this moment. A moment of silence in my hectic day after back to back radio shows, Happy Together was my only form of 'break time' before MCing at Music Core and performing. Fourteen hours of constant work and I knew I couldn't get through it anymore if I couldn't just have this one moment with Tiffany. I was growing very dependent on her...
“Yah!” A high pitched call came from besides us and my knees nearly gave way from shock but Tiffany recovered from her jolt of fear quick enough to keep
me from falling. I spun around to find Jessica nearly doubled over with laughter. Her silent convulsions were only highlighted by her short, jerky attempts at breathing. I couldn't help but smirk at her ridiculous uninhibited laughter. I thought since Seohyun had a CF to shoot for, that we'd be on the show alone. But here she was, sitting in the corner of the room, her cell phone in hand, already dressed in her matching pink outfit for the show. Tiffany released me to hug Jessica. “...That's not nice, Jessi.” Tiffany said in English. “You should have seen your faces!” Jessica said, still laughing. “You thought I was someone else huh?” She hugged Tiffany back. “...Not nice.” Tiffany repeated, grinning. Jessica let Tiffany go then and embraced me tightly. I was slightly taken aback by her act of affection and returned the hug feebly. We had been so ridiculously busy lately that I hadn't even had a chance to look at Jessica much less decide how I wanted to go about talking to her... about my dream. The events that had taken place in Australia were just as they appeared in my dream... The only thing I wasn't certain about being real or not was the amount of affection that was on Jessica's face. I spoke about the entire thing with Tiffany and she felt that somehow I was guilty about letting it take place at all and that I shouldn't feel guilt towards her because I hadn't actually done anything Tiffany considered cheating; that Jessica had merely
been comforting me during a hard time and that our sleeping arrangement was strictly platonic... for me at least. The thing that concerned me was what Jessica might have taken away from that night. I made the connection that after we signed our new contracts and I was back to living with Tiffany that that was when things started going wrong with Jessica... so had that night been the start of it all? Maybe Jessica's feelings didn't appear out of nowhere like I had thought... Maybe I could have stopped them earlier. I had, after all, asked her to stay with me that night... Did I encourage it? It pained me in my stomach to remember how bad things were for Jessica after she confessed. Tiffany and I turned on her for a while and it was my fault. I could have been the adult I claim to be and talked it out with her but I didn't... I hoped she would understand my inadequacies; that I lacked the ability to read other peoples feelings and express my own. And while her feelings were indeed unrequited, they were still important and I wanted her to know that I still cared and that I missed her dearly. I wanted us to go back to how it was before... if it was possible. But this wasn't apparently the right place to mend broken bridges... I pulled the loose pink shirt over my head and became self conscious, realizing that I was changing in front of Jessica again. I glanced at her reflection in the mirror but she was completely immersed in her cell phone as she waited for us.
Tiffany and I had run late at the radio and were now forced to hurriedly change into our pink sauna outfits and report immediately to the stage. “Five minutes, girls.” I heard through the door and broke my stare at Jessica. Tiffany was watching me and gave me a sympathetic look. Jessica beamed a full blown smile and slipped her phone back into her bag. “I'm going to head out there.” She said, crossing the room. “Okay.” Tiffany said, eying me. The door closed and I was left staring at my own reflection in the mirror. I pouted until I felt Tiffany's hands caress the side of my face. Her soft lips followed soon after, brushing against my cheek. I leaned into her warmth. “You'll find the right time to talk to her, Taetae...” she murmured. “I hope it's soon.” I said, “We've hardly even had enough time to breath lately.” “It'll work out and we can all put this behind us. We've got SMtown soon and it's Jessi's birthday tomorrow so we'll have to find time to participate.” She said. Eesh... birthday. I had forgotten Jessica's birthday. I shrunk, feeling like an even worse
friend. Tiffany smirked and patted my butt. “You worry too much.” She said. “I don't think Jessica seemed very upset with you.” “Maybe she is over it but I still want to explain myself to her.” I said. “I really can't wait til all of this gets settled. You've been worrying so much about everything lately. When you and Jessi fix things, you can go back to being cute, happy Taeyeon that worries about running out of ice cream.” She said. “Yah.” I said indignantly. She opened the door and we started walking together out to the stage. “I'm older now. I have much more important things to worry about than ice cream.” “Like what?” She asked. “Like... your kisses.” I said, my lip curling. Tiffany smiled softly. “Those wont ever run out, Tae.” I grinned as we both came to a stop at the edge of the stage. Stage hands running around, glancing at their watch, the hosts seated being touched up one last time for good measure. The loud talk was easy to get lost in but we looked sideways at one another and the realization was shared that 'break
time' was over but Happy Together in particular was a show I enjoyed doing. A lot of laughs were had and even an appearance by Yoona surprised us all. Seeing her and Jessica reiterated how much I missed them and the other girls but it seems like as soon as the show started, we were already finished and waiting for our van to pick us up and take us to our next schedule at Music Core. I watched Jessica as we drove away... I knew I had literally no time to get her something for her birthday but I also knew that it was not a valid excuse. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Yuri placed a birthday tiara into my head and I squinted into the candle lit room in order to watch my sisters sing to me enthusiastically but all I could think about was that this was the first time we were all in the same room together in weeks, at least. I was just happy to see all of their faces. “To our sister Jessica who we looooove...” I chuckled because they screwed this part up. Hyoyeon shoved Sooyoung playfully, indicating it was her fault to the rest of us. “Happy birthday to youuuu!” The girls let out a happy cheer and I felt an arm come around me from my
side. I looked up into Yuri's face and she rose her eyebrows at me. “Make a wish, beautiful.” She said, encouraging me. I was glad the lights were out because I felt heat flood my cheeks. I pursed my lips in thought and wished for forever. I couldn't imagine a time when we don't all get together on each others birthdays. I didn't want to ever not know these girls. I wanted to be able to keep them all forever as my family... the impossible... eternity. After blowing out the candles the lights came back on and I glanced up at Yuri who cocked her head to the side at me. I was fast to put a smile back on my face and seemed to successfully fool her. “Yah, cut this up.” Yoona said, motioning to the cake and pulling the plates out of the cupboard. Yuri eased me into the nearest chair and insisted I didn't lift a finger for the rest of the evening. I felt myself burning pink again. She made me feel like a real, warm blooded princess. I watched them all work around me, taking in their individual faces and analyzing their expressions. I loved times like this, when we could just enjoy ourselves as people and not think of work for a few moments. Sunny and Sooyoung were crowding the cake that Seohyun was cutting, evidently hungry. Hyoyeon was joking around with Yuri and Yoona came to sit with me. I did the math in my head and looked around.
Tiffany was holding Taeyeon off to the side, just watching. They were already in makeup and I knew they and Seohyun would have to leave soon to make it to Inkigayo, but they didn't seem rushed. Taeyeon gave me a small smile. I returned it but I didn't let my eyes linger on her. The best way to counter Taeyeon's breathtaking beauty is to not look at her at all. “Where's your sister?” Yoona asked. “Ah, she's recording. She'll be here later.” I said. “I saw her the other day, she's really growing up nicely.” Sooyoung said to me. “I know.” I grinned. “And she's going to be a skyscraper to you soon if she keeps going.” Sooyoung smirked. “Everyone passes me.” I said, glaring at her. There once was a time when I was taller than even this giant. “Sica doesn't need to be tall. I'm tall enough for both of us.” Yuri said, smugly. “As long as one of you can reach things off the top shelf, that's more than I can say for those two.” Sooyoung pointed at Taeyeon and Tiffany. “Skyscrapers only cause smog.” Taeyeon said, sagely.
Yoona snorted. “What is that supposed to even mean?” Sooyoung chuckled. “It means you smell!” Taeyeon said, scrunching her nose up. The others laughed. “She's got a point.” I echoed, shrugging slightly. “Ah the shorties are banding together and Yuri's too whipped to help me out now.” Sooyoung laughed. “You'd be whipped too if you were getting any action.” Sunny said. Seohyun immediately hit her in the shoulder. “It'll happen one day.” Sooyoung nodded, positively. I grinned at her. Sooyoung, out of all of the girls, has the most potential to make someone very happy, in my opinion. “Alright, girls...” Thomas began and without even hearing the rest of the sentence I knew it was over. TaeTiSeo had to leave. It was like somebody just let the air out of my balloon. Seohyun stood up and pushed her hair back before frowning at me. I half smiled.
“I wish we could stay longer, unnie.” She said in a small voice. “Not your fault.” I said, pulling her into a hug. “Be safe.” Tiffany grasped my face the minute I let go of Seohyun and kissed my cheek. I patted hers back clumsily. “We left your presents on your bed.” Tiffany said. “Thank you.” I smiled. Taeyeon stood aloof next to me for a moment before extending her arms. She hugged me gently and messed up my hair with her hand. “Happy birthday, Jeshica.” She said. “Thanks. You guys better win tonight since you're missing my party.” I said. She grinned. “We'll bring the trophy home to you.” Yuri rubbed my shoulders as the door shut behind the others. I looked over my shoulder at her and she looked pleased with me. “You're doing so good.” Yuri muttered. I beamed. I was feeling very proud of myself lately for how well I've acted around
Taeyeon and the others. It wasn't that anything had changed either, it was just getting easier with time, a feat I didn't consider possible if I didn't have Yuri to help me. I locked eyes with her, got to my feet and started walking towards our room. “Oh, there they go again.” Yoona said from the kitchen as I assumed Yuri had gotten up to follow me. I knew she would follow me because we could communicate without words. I turned around and walked the last few steps into my room backwards as I flung my arms around her neck. Her finger tips were already swimming through my hair and I haphazardly tried to shut the door with my foot before she had pushed me back onto the bed. My infinite savior, Yuri. As she came on top of me I squealed as something hard dug into my back and rolled over to pull out a small box. Yuri grinned, wide mouthed and took it from my hand, setting it aside and taking my lips once more. My eyes rolled close and I hummed against her, feeling her shiver in response. Yuri told me one of her favorite things about me was my voice, so I started using it more to my advantage. “Yuri-ah.” I whispered, pulling away.
“Mm..?” “You can't steal me yet. It's still my birthday.” I said, smiling and letting my
head fall against the mattress, my eyes closed. She groaned her displeasure in response, kissing along my jaw softly. “Yuri.” I said, patting her stomach. She only paused momentarily to show defiance before continuing. “I wish I could go with you tonight.” I said softly. Yuri sighed heavily and sat up on her elbows, tracing a hand through my hair as she gazed upon me. “You would find it boring, I think.” She said. I smirked. “Do you think you could act in front of me? Or would I be too distracting?” I asked. She thought about it for a moment. “I don't know.” She laughed. “It would be hard...”
… “Promise to wake me up when you get home?” I asked. “Waking you up isn't an easy thing to do...” Yuri smiled. “Promise me.” I demanded.
“I'll try.” She said. “Just don't hit me too hard.” I think she noticed the somewhat somber expression on my face but I tried to fix it. I didn't want to make her feel guilty for having to work on my birthday because I knew it was completely beyond her control. The only place she wanted to be tonight was with me and the girls... so I smiled brighter. “You're going to have a wonderful time with Krystal and the others tonight. You won't even miss me; I'll be back before you know it.” She said. I nodded in agreement and sat up, reclaiming the small box that I almost crushed hoping it was nothing fragile. “From Tiffany.” I said, glancing at the tag attached to the wrapping paper. Yuri smiled as I starting ripping away the paper. Inside of the small box was a glasses case containing a very cute pair of sunglasses. I beamed, putting them on and giving Yuri a dorky look. She gave me the thumbs up approval before getting to her feet. “Open mine- Yah, wait.” After the sound of the front door opening and closing, Yuri changed her direction and instead poked her head out of our door. “Your sister is here.” She said.
“Ah.” I said. “Tell her I'll be right out.” “Alright.” Yuri said. “Wait!” I said. She paused. I struggled out of bed and crossed the room to her, hugging her tightly. “Yuri-ah, saranghae...” I whispered. The words that came out of my mouth shocked even me... I remember not long ago being worried that Yuri would say that phrase to me first and that I wouldn't be ready to say it in return. As Yuri's exterior softened, she seemed to be trying to x-ray my brain to see if I meant it. I thought about it myself... and I felt so much conviction behind it. We had a slow start but I truly felt love for Yuri... I was falling for her... “Nado saranghae...” She said back softly, smiling radiantly. She kissed my forehead and ran her palm across my cheek before disappearing down the hall. The warm feeling in my stomach pulsed through me quickly. I spun on the spot and subconsciously hugged myself, enjoying my surprisingly rapid heartbeat.
I felt so alive... I pulled my new sunglasses out of my hair and set them on my desk before I turned for the door but I noticed, at the same time, something else lying on my bed. An envelope with my name on it. Taeyeon's gift... I teetered on the balls of my feet, unsure whether or not I should open it now or wait until later... but curiosity got the best of me. I quickly ripped the envelope open intending to skim through it and get back to my party... … Jessica, Another year older! But don't let it fool you, you'll never catch up to your kid leader! Keke. Anyway, when I sought out to find the perfect birthday present for you I couldn't help but reflect about the time we spent together since we last celebrated your birthday. It saddens me to acknowledge that it hasn't all been good, has it? I think... this next year we should focus on taking care of one another and returning to the friendship we once had. I want you to know that as a member and as a person I care very much about you and I've missed you dearly, even if I can't handle every situation thrown at me very well. I will
try harder and you have it in writing. One day when we're all comfortable, I think we should all go out to eat together. A double date, what do you say? Let's talk sometime soon when our schedules aren't so frantic. I love you. Please enjoy your birthday. Taeyeon I blinked at the paper a few times, trying to reinforce to myself that it truly said what I had read. I felt overwhelming, thought provoking relief. The one thing that had been missing out of this perfect picture I was trying to tell myself I was living was reconciliation with Taeyeon. I wasn't even sure it was possible to go back to having a normal friendship with her but if she was taking the first steps toward it, it gave me great hope. I had an incredible urge to call her... “Are you coming?” Yuri said, peaking in the door again. I wondered how much time had passed since she left before. I completely lost track of it. Her eyes felt to the letter I was holding, but she didn't ask about it. I knew she didn't want to intrude on my privacy, but I could tell she was curious about it. “Here.” I said, holding it out to her.
She took it gingerly and read it before looking back up at me. I smiled weakly and was surprised when a tear escaped and slid down my face. She wiped it away for me without a word. “I'm so glad.” She said. “It's really been too long to go on like this, it's big of her to say that.” I nodded, inhaling deeply. You're too emotional, Jessica... Yuri hugged me, tightly. I had to put my game face on, my sister was just in the other room and she... she knew nothing. For a long time, she would know nothing. I couldn't imagine telling her or my parents the truth about my love life and I didn't see a reason to. I wasn't as sure of this lifestyle yet as Taeyeon and Tiffany were... why would I want to take them along for the ride while I was testing the waters? “I'm okay.” I muttered, pulling back and waving air onto my damp face. Yuri waited patiently as I composed myself again. “Stay close to me...” I murmured, opening the door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------I got my jacket out of my carry-on and pulled it on over my dress. Who would have thought I would need it in 'sunny' California but when I made a comment about it Tiffany just made some excuse about how unpredictable the weather was here and that we could all be sweating bullets later. I called her bluff. Outside of the customs checkpoint I could hear where the fans had gathered and had déjà vu about the last time I had exited this airport, just a few months ago with Tiffany alone for our vacation... There had been no waiting party. “What's taking so long?” Hyoyeon asked. We had all cleared customs except for Seohyun and and waited behind a wall for her to come so we could all make our fast break for the van immediately. Tiffany and I took a seat together while Hyoyeon remained standing with Super Junior's Sungmin. “Always waiting for the youth.” Hyoyeon said in mock annoyance. Seohyun turned around and stuck her tongue out at us. It felt odd traveling with only three others... but due to scheduling conflicts it had to be done in order to all make it to SMTown. Yoona and Yuri would have to take an even later flight to meet up with us since they were filming.
“It wont be much longer, do we really have to move the van?” I heard Thomas arguing with one of the airport's head security guys. I smirked. Airports in the states are the strictest on rules and they weren't going to let us wait around just because we were celebrities. “Alright guys, we're ready for you.” Thomas said into a radio transmitter. I took it as a signal to go and Tiffany and I stood, fixing our hair. “Straight into the van, no stopping and hopefully Seohyun will be able to catch the ride before we absolutely have to leave.” He said to us. “You hear that? We're leaving you.” Hyoyeon called to Seohyun. I grinned. “Tae, wait.” Tiffany said, I turned around to face her. She pushed a few stray pieces of my hair behind my ears and glanced over the rest of my face to make sure I was picture worthy. Picture worthy, I thought. What a joke, I was as good as sleep walking. “Do I look okay?” She asked. “You... you look incredible.” I smiled. She smirked and slid her sunglasses down over her eyes. She should know by now that I'm too biased to ever be able to answer that question objectionably again.
We lined up and security stood in between each of us... Hyoyeon and Sungmin showed their faces first and the screaming began. We started at a breakneck pace through the crowd and I was pleased to see they had created an aisle for us to walk through. I heard them calling us in English but I kept my head forward, smiling slightly at the warm welcome. It would probably be a long time until I'd get used to this sort of response from overseas fans, but thanks to Tiffany I was starting to be able to understand their words of welcome better. We squeezed into a seat together and the van was closed immediately. The fans had followed us over, lined up in front of the darkly tinted glass to try and get another look at us. I took this time to read the banners and messages on ipads that were being held up to us. “Look, Tae, it's a dukong.” Tiffany said, pointing at the hastily drawn pea pod. I grinned, knowing that would probably be my symbol for years to come. We ended up having to circle the airport numerous times while we waited for Seohyun to clear customs. Hyoyeon suggested that we leave her with a few dollars and a cameraman and that it would become the newest hot reality show as she tries to navigate her way to the hotel on her own. As mean as it was I admitted that I would probably watch that show. As we walked into the hotel, again, there were fans camped out in the lobby.
This was too be expected. Luckily since the others had already checked in we were able to just walk past and head directly for the room. SMTown was never about privacy... “Taengoo!” Sunny yelled as I entered the hotel room. I grinned and stumbled as she threw herself at me, almost knocking Tiffany into the door frame. Instead of excluding her, Sunny pulled Tiffany into the hug as well. “How was your trip?” She asked. “Went well.” I said. “You look tired.” Sunny said. “I could definitely sleep.” I slipped my shoes off and left them in the entrance area, immediately trying to find a good bed for Tiffany and I to sleep in. Sooyoung was in the first one I found, and Hyoyeon and Seohyun were setting up in the other room. It was obvious that this was one of those trips in which we'd have to cram together, but the way Sooyoung ginormous body was sprawled out made me sigh. “Tipani. You sleep with Sooyoung I'll take the couch.” I muttered to her, walking out to the living room.
“Don't be silly.” She said, following after me. Before I could lay on the couch she stopped me, moved me aside and laid down before me, offering me a perfectly shaped nook for me to lie in on her shoulder. I smiled and came to rest on her and she held me close. The best thing about long flights is being able to finally give in to the exhaustion and pass out into a deep sleep. I was so tired that I was able to sleep through people walking in and out of the room, the front door opening and closing, the low conversations that people had in our presence... It was like I absorbed them into a place where I couldn't fully comprehend them. They bounced right off of me and dissolved into nothingness. The only thing I was truly focused on was Tiffany's slow breathing and even heart beat. I don't actually know how long we were asleep for, but I know it was Jessica's voice that woke us. “What do you mean!?” The door slammed. I opened an eye and came face to face with raging hellfire Sica... luckily she wasn't looking at me. I was too groggy at first to understand what the argument was about. “It's impossible.” Thomas said. Jessica stared at him in disbelief. Her hands were balled into fists but I was
too tired to put two and two together... “But it's SMTown.” Jessica said again. “Isn't this their first obligation?” “You're right.” He said, “And trust me, the President is very upset about this but there's no way around it...” Jessica looked at me as if expecting me to say something. I blinked at her. “What's the problem?” Tiffany grumbled. Jessica looked back to Thomas, expecting him to explain. “Yuri and Yoona won't be coming for the concert.” He said. … I couldn't find words, my mouth just hung open in shock. “What?!” Tiffany exclaimed, sitting up quickly. I almost rolled out of her arms onto the floor. “Seriously?” I said, putting a hand out on the ground to help myself stand up. Thomas put up his hands protectively, obviously trying to diffuse the situation. “It will be fine, Sooyoung and Hyoyeon will step up.” “It's not the same without them.” Tiffany said.
“This is ridiculous.” Jessica said, shaking her head. Sunny was standing off to the side with her arms folded looking mutinous. “So... have we made the announcement yet?” I asked. “What announcement?” He asked. “...The announcement where we tell everybody that there's only going to be seven out of nine members at SMTown...” I said slowly, feeling I hardly needed to explain that. “We aren't.” He said. “Fans keep a pretty close eye on you guys they'll notice that they haven't arrived in the United States.” “You're kidding, right?” Sunny asked. “He must be.” Jessica said between her teeth. “We can't not announce it publicly...” I said. “Not everybody follows our every move...” He took a pointed step away from Jessica who was closing in on him. I grabbed her arm to still her. “I don't feel right about performing without the others... without telling the fans first.” Tiffany said. “I agree.” Sunny said.
“Well, that's too bad. This is how it has to be. Even if they took the last flight available, they would be in the air during the show. They're contractually obligated to finish their dramas...” “What does that have to do without letting our faithful fans know about it ahead of time?” I growled. “There's going to be people there that have waited years to see Yuri and Yoona in person and we're just going to spring that on them the night of the concert?” I sighed and looked away from him when it looked like he wasn't going to answer. This seemed like such a great injustice to our die hard fans... it pained me that I had no choice but to go along with it. The other girls followed me into the nearest bedroom leaving Thomas in the main area by himself. I was too upset to continue talking to him. The treatment of our fans as of late has taken a backseat to SM's agenda far too often lately... I sat on the edge of Sooyoung's bed and locked eyes with Sunny. “It's bad, right?” Sunny asked, one side of her lip curling south. “It's so messed up.” “We can complain about it all we want, but we still have to do it, don't we?” I said softly. Jessica held her phone up to her ear and her eyes fell down to her own lap. I could feel the enthusiasm of other girls around me deflating as Sunny filled Sooyoung in on the situation. I glanced sideways at Tiffany.
“It just means we have to be even better.” I said. “We have to give them a really good show. Not for SM but for the fans, right?” I asked. “For the fans.” Tiffany echoed. Sunny nodded. “Yuri-ah!” Jessica whimpered in a cracked voice. She stood up and left the room immediately. I frowned after her. Sunny nudged me. “Yuri and Sica were planning on spending some time in San Francisco together after SMTown..” She whispered. “...Maybe they still can.” I said, trying to sound positive. I stood up off the bed and paced back and forth slowly, knowing that there was six pairs of eyes staring at my back, waiting for my next move. It was in situations like this when we disagreed with the company that they would look to me as a leader and I had to act accordingly. “We're going to give it our all.” I repeated. “We're going to put on a wonderful show, and we'll go early to rehearsal. I want all the parts sorted out between you two and Hyo.” I said, pointing at Sunny and Sooyoung. “And... When all is said and done, our fans will say we put on a great show either way. If Yuri and Yoona can't be here, then Sones can take their place
for the night.” They nodded in agreement, but I couldn't help but wonder if they could see through my confident visage. I smiled to try and affirm it and Sunny even got up to get some paper so we could divide up the different parts. I sat down on the bed knowing I still hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep yet, but we worked late into the night together going through our set list and dividing up every single part of every single song, changing dance steps, positions, singing parts. It was meticulous, slow work... but I think it made the girls feel a little more comfortable just having a game plan. One by one, they started leaving to go to bed. It looked like in the process of working, Tiffany and I had managed to hijack a bed to ourselves for the rest of the night. I was still looking over the last of the paperwork when Tiffany stood up to change into sleeping clothes. “I think that's everything...” I muttered. Tiffany slid her hand up my arm to my shoulder and took the work out of my hand, setting it on the night stand and pulling me to lay back and relax a little. She nuzzled the side of my neck with her nose and it was as if she absorbed every unwanted ounce of stress from my body to dispose of it into non being. “Tae?” She whispered. I stared into her eyes and watched her smile bloom. Even in the low light,
Tiffany's dark eyes sparkled luminously and I was captured in her gaze. Helpless, frozen... but I liked it. “You're such a good leader...” I snorted, rolling my eyes. “I'm serious!” She hit me in the shoulder. “You really.... you turned things around the way you stepped up tonight. Do you even realize that?” “If I hadn't done it someone else would have.” I said. “Taeyeon.” Tiffany's expression fell, “Nobody else would have done it because you're the leader. They were all looking towards you and you stepped up and... and... it was sexy.” I had to look away from her perfect double eye crescents to try and keep my face from getting any redder. “You gave the girls confidence again... but who's going to make you confident, Tae?” She asked. She was using her fingertips to slowly remove every strand of hair that was still clinging to my neck. When it was bare, I felt a shift of weight in the bed change as she sat up to turn off the light. Her arms came around me, and I felt her soft lips at my neck. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply... Nobody had to make me confident... Tiffany's presence in itself made me soar above the clouds.
“I love you, Tae.” She said softly in English. Her warm breath caressing my skin. “I love you, too.” I said back in English. There was a moments silence and then I felt her convulse a few times. She sat up quickly and turned the light back on. I turned around, confused, to find her laughing. “You ruv me, Tae?” She chuckled. “Aish.. really?” I sighed. “I ruv you, too.” She said. “You shouldn't make fun of my pronunciation when you speak so funny in Korean.” I warned her. “I just ruv you!” She was getting louder, overpowering any of my objections. “Shhhh...” I hissed, sitting up to try and lean over her to turn the light back out. She used my proximity to her advantage to kiss my cheek sweetly and our eyes locked again. She smiled. “You're cute when you're flustered.” She said. She turned the light off for me and cradled me until we hit the mattress again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------To add insult to injury and push us to the limits of guilt of betraying our fans, SM insisted that we didn't rehearse at the venue the day of the concert, not wanting to raise any flags about certain members not being there. This made my blood boil. Not only were we missing out on rehearsing but we were adding another level to the deception. How much deceit did SM think we could get away with? Not to mention, it left us with little to do the day of the concert.. we were all at the venue with nothing to do, so after hair and makeup most of the time was spent sitting around listening to the other groups practice or working on our last minute changes in our cramped locker room. When it became completely unbearable for me to sit still any longer, I walked away down the hall to the backstage area. Jessica was rehearsing with Krystal and I took a seat just off the side of the stage to watch them. Ever since F(x)'s debut, the Jung sisters have always been a cute part of SMTown. They sang the last few lines of Katy Perry's 'California Girls' and walked off to the side in front of me to talk to the stage manager. The rest of F(x) started rehearsing and Jessica went off to retrieve her cell phone from our manager... I watched her intently, knowing how upset she must be that she can't share this concert with Yuri... I didn't even want to think about being that far away from Tiffany any time soon though I knew it would eventually be inevitable once again.
She didn't seem to be having any luck getting through to her though, and she eventually found me sitting aside. She walked up to me and leaned against the crate I was sitting on. “Are you going to be able to do this tonight?” I asked her. “I don't really have a choice, do I?” She asked. “No... you don't. We have to make sure this performance is special since they aren't here though.” I said. She pouted at her phone again and I had a pretty good feeling I wasn't going to be able to get through to her using the 'leadership' approach. “Did you get your present...?” I asked her. She blinked a few times and looked sideways at me, like the question had been out of left field. “Um, yes. Thank you. I think... I definitely needed that.” I nodded and internally pushed myself into my next action... I looped my arm into hers and pulled her closer. “No more awkwardness.” I said. “We can be great friends now, right?” I asked. Her eyes ran over me, assessing me, before ignoring my question. “I'll be
able to perform just fine...” “Well, you don't have to feel alone just because Yuri isn't here. We're all here with you.” I said. Jessica didn't have a response... she just clutched to her cell phone, adamantly not looking me in the face. I pointed at her cell phone. “You love her, don't you?” She nodded. “Oh, what's this?” I asked, using my finger to pull aside a necklace she was wearing that I thought must be new. It had a very shiny, very, very diamond encrusted crown. “Yuri bought that for me for my birthday.” She said. “A crown?” Jessica smiled and looked down at it herself. “Yuri's so funny... She said we're royalty, not like some locksmith peasants.” She giggled. “So she said I should be wearing a crown, because I'm her queen.” I smirked. “Yuri called me a peasant, huh?” Jessica giggled again, nodding. It seemed like her entire stature was relaxing because we were talking about Yuri.
“I think you two are a perfect match.” I said. Jessica smiled, raising her eyes to watch F(x) performing in front of us for a while. We both watched in silence until they were in between songs. Amber was now just talking to the fans. “I miss you.” Jessica said, softly. “I miss you too.” I said, watching her face.
… “Can I ask you something?” I asked after a long silence. She nodded. “Did it start in Australia? I mean your feelings... for me...?” She smirked and rolled her eyes. “No, Taeyeon, it started a lot earlier than that.” She said, looking down at her hands. “but... Tiffany never left us alone long enough for anything to develop, did she?” I thought about that for a long while... When, during our training days, had I really ever had time alone with Jessica... without Tiffany conveniently appearing. She was always right by my side. Not that it mattered, but I wondered if Tiffany even knew back then
that Sica liked me... that there was some form of competition that she didn't hesitate to step up for... “I think Tiffany's been fighting for you longer than you even realize.” Jessica said. I nodded. She was probably right. “I bet Yuri's been after you just as long.” I said. “She's just a coward.” Jessica shoved my shoulder, which made me laugh. “Don't you call my Yuri a coward.” It felt right again, like we could be ourselves in front of one another. I felt like I truly had my friend back... like we could pick up right where we left off. It left me smiling for a long time. Jessica scooted closer to me and took my head in her hands, pressing her lips to my cheek. “You're alright, kid.” She said. I smirked and looked sideways at her. “Double date when we get back to Korea?” “Ah, I don't know if I’m quite ready for that yet.” She laughed, “But I'm working towards it. Soon. I’ll let you know.”
She was staring at me for a reaction, but I couldn't focus on her face. I noticed Thomas on the other side of the stage on the phone with a look on his face I'd never seen before. Shock? Despair? I couldn't tell. Jessica eventually followed me eyes and turned her head towards him. “What's wrong with him?” She asked. “I don't know.” I said. “Let's find out.” I slid off the crate and started walking directly for him. We came to a stop right in front of him and he seemed like he was in another world, like he didn't even realize we were there. Jessica waved a hand in front of his face and he glared at her. “I can't do that.” He said, turning away from us. “Someone's in a bad mood.” Jessica whispered, her eyes wide. There was something foreboding about this turn of events... I smirked at Jessica's comment but at the same time I stood rooted the ground, just waiting for him to get off of the phone. When he turned around again and slipped his phone back into his pocket, his eyes landed directly on me, and they weren't stern but sympathetic. The look alone made my heart drop. “So what's up?” Jessica asked. I couldn't break my gaze with him. Just by looking the man in his face I
could tell there was something terribly wrong... He tried to open his mouth to speak but I could tell he was struggling with words. “Hello?” Jessica asked. “I can't believe it.” He said. He looked around behind himself. “I need to sit down.” He swayed on his feet; alarmed, I put a hand under his arm and guided him to a nearby crate. Jessica followed behind. It was like all at once she realized how serious the atmosphere was. “Thomas? Is it Yuri? Is Yuri okay?” She asked, quickly. “She's fine.” He said in a dead voice. I sensed that it would be in my best interest to sit down as well and I slid onto the crate next to him. He looked right at me again. “Taeyeon...” He said softly. My heart pounded faster. “Right now, spreading all over the internet there's some pictures...” He said. I could hear my pulse ringing in my ears. “I haven't seen them yet...” He said. He couldn’t look me in the face
anymore. “but... I guess it's undeniable evidence.” I blinked. Undeniable evidence... … I felt Jessica grip my wrist. “The secret is out, Taeyeon.” He said. The secret. I only knew of one secret. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move. I couldn't react in any way. “...Can't SM call it a fake?” Jessica asked. “Where is it?” I asked, calmly. “I want to see it.” Thomas pulled out his cell phone and opened up its browser. It was strange... I should be more upset right now... but it was sort of like confronting the inevitable, wasn't it? Had I, all this time, expected it to end this way? Did this mean I had to pack up and leave right now...? While Thomas was searching on his phone, Jessica's grip only grew tighter on my wrist, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything anymore.
It's over, Taeyeon. Thomas handed his phone to me and Jessica put her head against mine. I began scrolling down the page slowly... It started off pretty innocent. We were in between two of our vans, which tipped me off immediately that these had been taken on the day of the airport incident. Tiffany and I were embracing, and then the other girls joined in in a group hug. The next few pictures were of Tiffany wiping away my tears and the other girls dispersing. I already knew it was coming. I specifically remembered what happened next. Her fingertips underneath my chin... her forehead against mine.. our lips came together... They even managed to get a picture of the kiss with opened mouths... Tiffany's sunglasses were on her head and I wasn't wearing any... it was as Thomas said; undeniable. It's over. In one quick phone call my career had come to an end. Somehow, I'd always expected it to be more grandiose... maybe there would be some pyrotechnics involved. I'd seen enough and gotten to my feet, unsure of my trajectory. The one thing that I was strikingly aware of was that no tears were coming... It surprised me.
“Taeyeon...” Jessica said, peering into my face. I stared back into hers but it was like I couldn't see her correctly. Her features were blurred; her voice was distorted... “Where are you going?” Thomas asked. “...I don't know. I guess, I'll go get Tiffany and we'll get our things from the hotel... we can probably stay with her dad-” “Oh, no no no no.” He said, grasping my shoulders. “We're already down two girls tonight, we can't go out with five.” I looked at him, slightly stupefied. “But aren't I fired?” I asked. “Effective after the show tonight.” He said. I gasped. They're ending my career and making me go on stage right after telling me that? “Think about the fans.” He said. “Think about the other girls, they'd be lost without you up there.” My teeth came together... Once again I was being manipulated... just as I have been since the very day I joined with this company... it seemed fitting but Thomas knew better
than anybody else that I would never leave the other girls in a situation where I knew they would struggle. My last show as SNSD... I numbly walked through the hallway back to the locker room aware of every familiar face I passed on the way but at the same time, completely absent from my own body. Jessica followed behind me, a hand on my lower back as if to guide me. I was glad she didn't try talking to me... I really had no words for what was happening. Then I remembered something. I stopped so fast that she walked into me. “Sica, we can't tell the others.” I said. “They can't perform after hearing this. I'm telling Tiffany and that's it.” Jessica nodded, “However you want to do it.” I peeked my head into the locker room and summoned Tiffany and led her down into the deepest aisle of thick wires and black speaker boxes where I sat her down and told her... … it was the hardest thing I've ever done, sitting there and watching the color drain from her face. Tears did come for Tiffany, but I'm not certain they were because we'd been found out or that there had been a great invasion of our privacy.
“We both knew this might happen...” I said, feeling a little worried. She nodded and wiped her face. … “Will you be okay tonight?” I asked. “Yes.” She said.
…
… “Tipani... was it worth it?” I asked. The lights they were testing on the stage flashed across her face, red and white and green... it reminded me of sitting with her in that park on Christmas night when the traffic signals and headlights were grazing our vision... “Hm?” She asked.. “Is it worth it to lose your dream job to be with me?” I asked. “Tae... I would do it all again, just the same.” She said, entangling her fingers with mine. … Why? I couldn't understand it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TVXQ were performing, and the concert was about to come to an end. Tiffany, Leeteuk and I stood together waiting for the cue to go out and do our last Mcing cut before the finale in which all the artists came together for the last song, 'Hope'. Ironic name, I thought. I glanced sideways and saw Tiffany was wearing the same expression I felt. Blank, empty, numb... This would be our last time on stage with the other girls... perhaps our last time on stage ever... The majority of these people, people we'd grown up with and trained with that had become our family we would never or hear from again... Its all I could think of as Tiffany spoke to the crowd. I gazed into it, really trying to take the audience in person by person... It was remarkable how little pink was shining from them tonight. I wondered how many people here already knew about Tiffany and I... I wondered if there were people that didn't come tonight because they'd heard about us. Or if they didn't come because they found out about Yuri and Yoona, I had no way of knowing... Either way... SNSD didn't receive as much support tonight as we usually do and I could only blame myself. It would be better if I just didn't go home right away... How could I face
Korea and the media when it comes out that Tiffany and I had been kicked from SNSD? The music started and I followed Tiffany off to the side of the stage as the others came out. She patted me on the elbow and insisted that I got into my place. I did so spitefully... Get in the right place. Say the things we want you to say. Dance the way we tell you to dance. Act the way we demand. My teeth came together again... Being fired came with its own grieving process... but I feel that since I'd already gone through this the first time they told me I couldn't be with Tiffany, I went through the steps much faster... I was feeling so much resentment as I walked down the runway to the end of the stage with Luna from F(x). You have an image to uphold and you must, if you embarrass the company you'll be terminated. There were many fan's waving pink glow sticks up at me. I waved back to
them halfheartedly. These fans that spend hours on end watching videos to learn about me... they haven't learned a single thing. They've learned about every image and scripted instance that SM has created. They've all fallen for the illusion... They don't even know who I am. Do I? Who am I? I'm SNSD's Kim Taeyeon. Not anymore. So what does that make me now? Hwang Miyoung's Kim Taeyeon. I glanced back in search of her but it was impossible to see her with so many people on the stage. Instead, I tried getting through the song without looking like a raging lunatic. I started reading fan signs in order to calm myself and even though most of them were for Super Junior, I did spot for a few for SNSD. A Sunny sign, with her picture cut out in the shape of a heart and then my heart dropped when I saw one smaller looking girl holding a sign with Yoona's name on it. *******s, SM. Completely heartless *******s. I wondered how long this girl had been waiting to see Yoona. They didn't even have the common courtesy to tell her she wouldn't be coming...
But I was a part of that. We didn't rehearse today... we kept the secret. We did as we were told. A pang of guilt overtook me. I felt dizzy and looked around for Tiffany again but she was on the other side of the giant 'T' that the end of the stage made. I tried to control my breathing when I caught eye of a 'taeny' sign. Taeny. The manufactured garbage they wanted you to believe. Give them just enough evidence to feel its real without ever confirming or denying it. Hypocrites, all of them. How many locksmiths would be disgusted to find out it's been real the entire time? The cue came to return to the other stage and I met Tiffany on the way back, looping my arm in hers. “Are you okay?” I said into her ear. “No.” She answered, blank faced. We returned to the main stage and just stood there as we were supposed to. Some of the boys were still out hamming it up and I had a sudden urge. I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't let my career end like this without a single word or act of defiance. I couldn't go down quietly... “Let's go.” I said, taking Tiffany's hand in mine. “W-Where are we going?” She asked.
We were already walking down long catwalk towards the end. Minho from Shinee even cleared the way for us, offering us a wider path and holding his hand out. What I was about to do would shock him and everybody else up here. When we got to the end of the stage a few Sones were going crazy, as they always did when Tiffany and I were touching. I waved at them. “What are you thinking?” Tiffany asked me. We were already fired... but it would only be fair to warn her in advance... “I'm going to kiss you.” I said. Her reaction to this surprised me. Instead of looking at me like I had three heads, she blinked a few times, searching my expression. Her eyes turned into crescents which garnered even more applause and I turned to see that our faces were indeed on the main screen. Perfect... Here you go SM, you want to manufacture us? You got it. I took my earpiece out of my ear and let it hang off of my shoulder and in the same movement, touched Tiffany's face with my hand. She smiled even wider. The crowd was going absolutely insane...
I took that as my cue to lean my head into hers... And when our lips touched, I could hear the crowd no more.
.. my generation; my nation ..
“.. And what do you think sets you apart as a leader?” Boom asked me. I rolled my eyes internally, knowing I had several prepared answers to this frequently asked question. I acted like I was thinking hard about it before I chose one. “Well, there's very little I'm afraid of.” I said, nodding. “So I can handle a stressful situation easily.” “Taeyeon is good at remaining calm.” Tiffany interrupted. I glanced sideways at her. She smiled. “She's very meticulous, so if there's an important decision that has to be made she takes a lot of time to think it through and comes to the most sensible outcome.” Tiffany smiled at me again when she was finished explaining and I was sure I was the only one in the booth who could recognize the love emanating from her eyes. “Taeyeon-unnie is very sensible.” Seohyun echoed. “So, you two trust her judgment?” Boom asked. “I'd follow Taeyeon to the end of the world.” Tiffany said.
I could see Seohyun nodding in agreement beside her. … The very last thing I felt right now, was sensible... but I didn't care These were likely my last moments I would ever spend on a stage and I found myself too afraid to even look at the crowd. It was profound, considering I'd never felt fear of this magnitude on stage before, rather; this was a completely different type of fear altogether. It was fear mixed with exhilaration and panic and an unyielding urge to take Tiffany away from all of this and protect her. I kept up a steady stream of cursing myself for doing this. Sensible Taeyeon was screaming in my head, telling me how it was bad enough that there was pictures of this all over the internet right now. How now there was going to be videos and live fan commentary on YouTube. It was going to shake South Korea off of its axis... this was going to truly devastate people. As a friend and a lover... a fiance, I should have taken more care to protect Tiffany's privacy instead of dragging her into this. This act of defiance could very well put her in danger. I felt so irresponsible but I didn't see a way I could have just gone quietly... it went against my nature... Stubborn... Tiffany squeezed my elbow, broke the kiss, and pulled me into a tight hug in one swift movement. “Ah... daebak.” I could barely hear her mutter over the crowd.
I was relieved to notice that my face was obscured by her head for the majority of the crowd. The first reaction I saw from the fans was an awed expression and a few in the pit who were filming us dutifully. I backed out of Tiffany's arms humbly and stood to face my judgment. I became aware how incredibly loud it was. The reaction of the crowd didn't make sense to me. Surely, by now, I should have been pelted by glow sticks. I had to remind myself that it was a foreign crowd... Had I tried this little stunt in Korea, the show probably would have been stopped. I could have been arrested for indecency and inciting a riot... But these fans looked merely... curious. Shocked, yes, but not appalled, though a few I saw holding blue glow sticks look skeptical, perhaps thinking this was all an act. I turned around and looked back up at the big screen which was still focused on Tiffany's face. She was still smiling radiantly and I wondered what was really going through her head. How could she still look so strong? My eyes fell to my colleagues who were all grouped underneath the screen together finishing the song and wearing much soberer faces... Whether they knew about Tiffany and I or not, they knew what I had just done had been a severe infraction against my contract, because they'd all signed the same one. Of the girls, I could only see Jessica who was covering her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide.
“Let's go.” I muttered. “Tae... we need to take our final bow.” Tiffany said, pulling me back. I held onto Tiffany's hand tightly and brought the microphone to my mouth. “Thank you.” I said softly to the fans in broken English. “It... was great.” The crowd somehow got even louder. I looked sideways at Tiffany who smirked at me before signaling me to bow with her. My last bow as a performer... This was when things really started sinking in for me, the injustice of the whole situation, even more so for Tiffany than for myself... Knowing that behind her nervous smile that there was a broken heart killed me. It hurt even worse knowing it was my fault. That had it not been for me that she might have spent the rest of her life doing what she loves... I couldn’t keep the anger off of my face when we stood upright again and quickly spun around to walk backstage. Most of the other SM performers were making their way off of the stage now so I hurried to just put an end to all of this, to put this life behind me. My eyes were unfocused on the ground as Tiffany guided me throughout the halls backstage. It was unusually quiet, and even with my eyes trained on the ground I could see the feet of the people that were lined up along the walls as if they were just there to watch us walk past, like I was about to be executed.
I adamantly stared at my feet. Tiffany pushed the door open to our dressing room and only then did I lift my head. My heart dropped when I saw the lethargic expressions on the other girls' faces... Sooyoung was just staring at me from the corner of the room. Seohyun had wide eyes and Hyoyeon was rubbing her back comfortingly. None of the girls had bothered started getting dressed yet, they all seemed like they had the very life sucked out of them. I barely took notice that Jessica wasn't in here when I noticed Sunny stomping towards me. “You stupid idiot, Kim Taeyeon!” She yelled, pointing her finger at me, eyes blazing. Hell hath no fury as Soonkyu scorned... Tiffany tried to stand in front of me defensively, but I edged her out of the way. She didn't need to be taking responsibility for my actions. “Why would you do that, huh?” She asked, nostrils flaring. “You didn't even warn us!” “If I would have said anything, you guys wouldn't have been able to perform.” I said. “To hell with performing, don't you think we at least deserve to know?” She said. “You guys just decided to ditch us tonight, huh? Just thought it'd be a good time to move on with your lives?”
“It wasn't our fault.” Tiffany said. “No it was. I can explain it.” I interrupted her. Sunny crossed her arms. I sighed. “We got caught.” I muttered. Sunny's entire face changed. She blinked rapidly. “It was all over the internet and we were told tonight would be our last night..” I trailed off when Sunny's face showed comprehension. “... They really fired you?” Sooyoung asked, her face losing its color. I nodded. The entire room was so silent... The contrast between how loud it was out at the concert was stellar. My ears were ringing so loud... I glanced at Tiffany and just found her staring into my face. I couldn't read any particular emotion from her, she was just standing so close to me, watching my every move as if she was waiting for me to crack. Ironic, when I wanted to protect her she was entirely too busy protecting me to need protection, but couldn't she see that I didn't need it? I was much too ramped up on adrenaline to feel the true magnitude of all of this right now. The door opened and closed and I turned to see Jessica's eyes on me.
“Well, I think everyone knows now.” She said softly. “They were pretty upset with you so I thought it would help if I explained it...” I narrowed my eyes. Upset with me? With me? They didn't even know the half of it. I gritted my teeth and rolled my eyes. I didn't feel the need to explain myself to anyone. I'd like to see what they would have done in my position. “It was brave.” Tiffany said. I shook my head automatically and locked eyes with Sunny again. Her condition was deteriorating rapidly... The realization that tonight could be the end of all of our dreams was evident on her face... I gripped her arms pulled her closer, putting my arms around her neck. “What- Why aren't you all dressed yet? We need to go, the plane leaves in two hours.” Thomas said after barreling through the door. He didn't even look at me. “Plane?” Sunny asked. “I thought we were dri-” “We're not participating in the Google concert.” He said flatly. “We need to be in Korea.” “Well, where am I supposed to go?” Jessica asked. “I'm going home for vacation but I wasn't supposed to fly until tomorrow.” Thomas sighed...
“You need to come back to Korea.” He said. “But why?” Jessica's voice raised. “I've got no schedule.” He put a hand on her shoulder and then spoke in a voice that he must have thought was low enough to escape my hearing but I heard every word. “Jessica, you're the oldest now. Preparations must be made if we want to survive. Now, you're the leader and the President wishes to speak with you and the others...” My body went rigid. It was as if someone just flipped a switch on to bring home how real this situation was. Jessica turned around to look at me with her huge eyes. She looked like she might cry and instead of reacting properly I just stood there. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. Tiffany clenched my hand tighter, making me think she must have heard him as well. I looked sideways at her but she was still wearing a calm face. “And what are you two doing?” He turned and asked us. I blinked, wondering if I wasn't even permitted to be backstage any longer. “...What?” I asked. “Are you going back to Korea? You mentioned something about staying...”
“Oh. Yeah.” I looked at Tiffany. “I don't want to go back yet.” I told her. She nodded. “We're going to my Dad's.” She said. “Okay, well as a gesture of good faith we have a car to take you there.” He said like he was reading it off of a script. He rolled his eyes as he did so. He knew like I knew that this was probably the President's way of reminding me of my contract and holding me to its terms and conditions. I nodded. “Okay.. well... whenever you guys are ready it's in the back waiting for you.” He said. He hovered awkwardly for a moment before giving me a tight smile. I could see through his hard exterior... this was hard for him. Perhaps just as hard as it was for the rest of us. He never wanted to see this happen, despite our rocky past. He patted Tiffany on the shoulder and walked away hastily. I definitely expected more pyrotechnics. We all changed quickly in silence. I could hear somebody in the room breathing especially difficultly, but I didn't stop to see. What comfort could I give them? From this position I couldn't do anything for anyone anymore. My hands were tied, my heart was broken and Thomas had brought it to my attention the best; it wasn't my responsibility to take care of these kids anymore...
Involuntarily, I glanced over my shoulder in Jessica's direction and came to realize that it was her who was crying the loudest. I sighed, finishing quickly and crossed the room to her. “Come.” I said, pulling her out into the hall by her elbow. “Wait.” She whimpered, pulling her shirt over her head before following me out of the door. I could see the others staring at us over her shoulder before the door shut. “Listen, you need to pull yourself together.” I side, wiping her face. “I didn't want this.” She sputtered. “I don't want to be leader. Leader of what? Why aren't we just disbanding?” “I don't know. When I spoke to the President he made it pretty clear that if Tiffany and I ever left it would be the end but if they're going to try and keep the band together you need to be strong for them.” I said. ”I didn't want to be leader either but when In Jung left, I didn't have a choice, did I?” She nodded and tried taking a big breath but it got stuck in the back of her constricted throat. She coughed hard. “Come on.” I said, softly, rubbing her back when she doubled over. She used her hands on my shoulders to pull herself upright again and flung her arms around my neck. I hugged her back tightly, fighting against my aching throat that was threatening to close off completely.
I didn't care how bad things were, I refused to walk out of this building in tears. I swallowed hard and narrowed my eyes in concentration, forcing the urge to cry out of my range of abilities. I wouldn't go down like a weakling and I wouldn't let Jessica give up either. “Until the very last girl doesn't want to do this anymore, you must remain strong for them, as a leader.” I said. She held me tighter and I opened my eyes when the door opened again. Tiffany, now fully dressed, came up behind Jessica and hugged both of us tightly. Hearing the voices of others, I became aware that this hallway was much too public to be having such an emotional display and pulled away. “Inside.” I muttered, reaching around them for the doorknob. It wasn't the best idea though, cause when the others had seen Tiffany and Jessica, it became a giant group huddle. It was much too emotional feeling all those arms clutching me, clutching each other, grasping to hold onto this moment. Fighting against fate. “Yah.” I muttered, my face forced tightly against Seohyun's shoulder. I needed this situation to be lighter if I wanted to leave with a dry face. “Stop acting like this is the end. I'm suffocating.”
I was immediately shoved from behind. I turned around to see Sunny staring me as if I was out of line. “I expect to hear from you a lot. I want you guys to take care of the Sones, okay?” Sooyoung edged through the others to hug me. Surprisingly, out of everyone, she didn't appear to be teary eyed “Are you alright?” I asked her. “Yeah.” She said, shrugging. “It's weird, it doesn't feel real, does it?” “...Not yet.” I agreed. “You'll all be at my wedding?” I asked. Tiffany beamed. “Of course.” Sunny said first. “Yeah.” Hyoyeon said. I took a step back and looked into each of their faces. I locked eyes with everyone except for Jessica, who was still such a mess she couldn't look at me. It was a weird moment, not wanting to say goodbye. Hovering on speech, yet without words being able to communicate with the others through eye contact. It was just silent mutual understanding, almost like a pact. This was not the end.
Thomas came back in to get them and he could probably feel how tense the atmosphere was because he didn't say anything. He fidgeted a little, probably because I knew he was on a tight schedule, but he didn't know how to rush our goodbye. But it wasn't goodbye at all, and it felt silly to be getting so emotional about this. After everything we'd gone through together I was certain I'd see them all again... They would always be a part of my life. It was stupid to think otherwise. We were family and I felt stronger just from remembering that. “Go on... Don't be late.” I said, standing up straight and taking a big breath. I smiled tightly at them. “Yah, don't act stupid. Do me proud.” They looked at one another before moving. Sunny moved to hug me. “I'll keep you up to date with everything that's happening when I find out...” She said. “Yep.” I said to her. “Heads high.” I said to everyone else. I felt uneasy watching them leave one by one without me but I stayed rooted to the spot. Hyoyeon was the last to go, turning around and waving feebly, stronger than the rest of them. Thomas followed after them and the door shut... I stood there looking pretty stupid for a few moments, not knowing what to do with this new found silence... this new found freedom.
Tiffany was putting her tour T-shirt back onto a hanger and hanging it beside the rest of the girls shirts. I watched how meticulously she was setting them back. I didn't see a point... It wasn't like we'd ever be wearing them again. “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Tiffany asked.
“Hm?” “We should steal the shirts.” She smirked. I grinned. “Really? After all of this you're thinking about petty theft?” I asked. She only giggled, but I expected an answer... “How is it you're like this?” I asked, exasperated. “How come you're not upset right now? I expected you to be in tears after the concert...” She smiled brighter. “I don't know.” She said. “I guess I chose you over the career a long time ago...” She took my face in her hands and fixed her thumbs into the corner of my mouth, forcing me to smile. “We can do anything we want now.” She mused. “We can buy an apartment and go on dates and we won't have a curfew or a schedule to get in the way.
We don't really lose anything, do we? We have enough money to live for a long time... and the girls will always be in contact with us, we just won't get to see them every day.” I blinked at her and it was evident that her smile was genuine. How incredibly positive of her. I could think of a hundred different things we could worry about right now, about the money eventually running out, about our safety when we return to Korea and the amount of hate we're bound to receive, but with the way Tiffany was smiling, I couldn't bring the words to my lips. Tiffany's smile rendered the problems null, for now. “It's not the end of anything Tae, it's the start of a whole new life. I'm excited.” She said. “Do you want to wear these out?” She asked, pulling an extra pair of sunglasses out as if she'd read my mind and known I didn't want to even make eye contact with anyone while we were leaving. I grinned and slid them over my eyes as there was a knock at the door again. We froze in place and looked at one another before Tiffany answered, “Come in.” To my absolute horror, Boa squeezed into the door and closed it behind her, biting her lip.
As if choreographed, Tiffany and I both bowed in unison out of habit and shock at her appearance. Boa returned our bow. “... I don't really know how to ask this so I'm just going to be blunt. I heard some things and I want to know what's true... you don't have to answer.” She said, quickly. I found my eyes on the floor. I couldn't believe I was about to explain this situation to my idol. Were we about to get reprimanded? Aigoo... “Uh... You two have been dating and then the press found out about it so this was going to be your last show and that's why you kissed...?” I nodded and heard Tiffany's response. Her voice shook. “Yes, unnie. We were fired before the show.” Tiffany said. A moments' silence, then I heard clapping coupled with laughter. Boa had her hands covering her face as she doubled over. I was speechless. “...Is that funny, unnie?” Tiffany asked, looking dumbstruck. “That's... that's great!” Boa said. “... You're not mad at us?” I asked. “No. I've just never seen anyone fight back like this before.” She said. “You girls are going to be heroes.”
I gaped at her and she appraised me slowly, squinting while she as she pulled out a chair from in front of the vanity mirror to sit down. “You... you don't even get it, do you?” She asked, awestruck. I shook my head. She laughed again. “I don't even know how to explain it to you...” Boa got to her feet and walked to me, stopping directly in front of me and pulling the sunglasses off of my face. “Hm...” She hummed after making eye contact with me. “Okay, let me ask you this: Do you think your career has left a lasting impression on Korean culture?” I blinked at her. How could somebody answer a question like this about themselves without looking arrogant. I stuck the tongue in the corner of my mouth in thought. “I think in the time we were active we made an impact.” Tiffany answered. “Ah, but you don't think you'll be remembered?” Boa asked. Tiffany shook her head, a slight pout on her lips. Boa nodded. “If you both had just gone quietly I would agree with you. People call SNSD Korea's national treasure. You were so widely known and liked... you were huge.”
I wasn't sure what this point had to do with our current situation and why she'd brought this up. I couldn't even tell if she was being sarcastic or not. “But... do you know what I think?” She continued, turning around and staring at me in the mirror after giving herself a quick look over. “I think what you've done tonight will have a bigger impact than anything you've ever done as a singers.” She smirked when she saw our clueless faces. “Let's say you just performed tonight and left quietly, and tomorrow SM announced your departure from the company. People would have only been able to speculate 'why'. But since you've come out so boldly and kissed, not only in public but at an SM event of all places, when it gets out that you've been fired your fans and the world are going to know exactly why... Not to mention, it makes you both look so incredibly brave and unapologetic.” I was staggered, having never thought about it that way. “Unnie, I didn't intend to do anything like that though... I was just... pissed off.” I said. A broad smile spread across her face at my words. “Exactly!” She said. “And how do you think the gay community in Korea feels about not even being able to walk down the street holding their lovers' hands? I bet they're pretty pissed off, too. To those people, you will be heroes. And it's those people that Lee Soo Man will fear. Their plight and your plight are the same, and now the media and society itself is going to
have to address it. It's the first step towards equality.” I had to smile back at her. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought I could become an advocate for a civil rights struggle. “...but we never wanted to hurt SM artists.” Tiffany said. I looked at her and she slid her hand into mine, edging closer. She half smiled to try and hide the mild concern on her face. “... Surely you don't think you're the only gays in the company?” Boa smirked at Tiffany. “I'd say there's at least one in every group...” … I could feel my eyes bugging out of my skull... “Stay strong.” She chuckled. “And don't be surprised if you find some very familiar faces coming out to support you when this all comes out in the media.” “It's funny, isn't it? The President works so hard to form strong bonds between his artists for fan service, but he doesn't realize they become more loyal to one another than to him.” She said, grinning, as if this was an afterthought. I stared at Tiffany with my mouth hanging open dumbly as Boa walked to the door. She turned before leaving. “Yah, Kim Taeyeon.” She said. “No shades. Walk out proudly. It was a pleasure working with you both.”
“...Wow.” I breathed after the door closed behind her, glancing down at the shades I was holding. Having been in the company the longest, Boa just... knows. Being a solo artist allows her to see everything from a different perspective and while she is bound by the same contract we all are, since she is older I feel she's treated more leniently than others. It's empowering to know that she feels for our situation. That she understands it and she's... she's fighting for us. I smiled and rested them on top of my head, but as Tiffany and I left the building to embark on our new life alone, I ended up pulling them down again to cover my eyes. The standing ovation we received from the lingering SM artists made me far too emotional to go without them. -----------------------------------------------------------------------Soft hands on my face; I became aware of how stunningly bright it was behind my eyelids. I could feel a cool finger tracing through my hair, across my scalp and down my neck. A smile came to my lips before I even opened my eyes. I could smell her. All was well. I opened one eye slowly and it was no surprise that Tiffany was brighter than the sun. She had her bangs tied on top of her head and I could swear she was the only person in the world that could make untidy hair look incredible. Even though she wasn't wearing an ounce of makeup, her face looked like it was glowing. She looked soft, refreshed, and happy.
“I considered letting you sleep all day.” She said, softly. “You were talking a lot, so I don't think you got much rest.” I broke eye contact with her. I didn't get much rest at all, but I didn't know anything about sleep talking, though I wouldn't deny it, it usually does happen when I'm stressed out. I spent most of the night listening to Tiffany breathe and thinking about the future... and the past, and what Boa had said, and all that time the Genie era poster above Tiffany's bed of myself stared me down. Tiffany slid back into bed beside me and smirked. “Look.” She said. “Omo, seriously?” I said, sitting up. She was holding my cell phone to my face and despite not having my contacts in, I could make out what looked like eighteen missing calls. She smiled. “Four from Sunny, two from Yuri and Sooyoung, one from Yoona, the rest were Jessica.” I sighed and tried to take the phone out of Tiffany's hand to start calling people back, but she pulled it out of my reach. “Don't worry, I talked to them.” Tiffany said. “The girls were just concerned for us, I think I put them at ease.” I sighed and lay my head on her shoulder glaring into nothingness. “We need to plan.” I said. “We need to figure out what we want to do. We
can live in California but I'd have to get citizenship so we have to go back to Korea eventually... even if just for a little while.” I said, thinking aloud. “Do you really want to live here?” She asked, skeptically. “It'll be safer.” I said. Tiffany giggled. “Tae... you're totally the boy in this relationship.” “Eh?” I said, my mouth flat lining. “All I was thinking about this morning when I woke up was getting you a meal. And here you are thinking about shelter and protection.” She said, looping a piece of my hair around her finger. “These are things we have to think about...” I said with wide eyes. “We don't have to just yet, Tae. Relax a little. Let's take a day off.” Fine, I thought. I could give it a day, but any longer I think I might lose my mind. “So, what's for breakfast?” I asked. Tiffany pouted. “I really wanted to cook for you but there's nothing here...” “Couldn't we go get food?” I asked.
“Well... if you want to walk. We don't have a car today.” She said, biting her lip. “We have fruit...” She looked forlorn; disappointed. Like she was really looking forward to cooking for me. I smiled at her. “Fruit sounds good.” “Okay.” She said, kissing my cheek, hopping up out of bed and running downstairs. I stared after her as she left... Mine, forever. I grinned to myself, satisfied with this prospect. Today was the first day of my new forever. The window was blowing a nice breeze again that seemed to come naturally to California. I enjoyed it being remarkably sunny, yet nothing too hot to suffer through. I got up and gazed out her window, stretching my arms above my hair and embracing the air and sun. It felt amazing. Tiffany's arms came around me while my back was still arched back into a stretch. I grinned, seeing a banana in each of her hands and melted back against her. Her breath tickled my neck as she kissed my shoulder. “So.. I had a thought.” She said. “Since we can't really go anywhere today we should just stay home.” I turned my head to look at her with a raised eyebrow.
“...Wow, how long did it take you to come up with that?” I chuckled. I got hit in the head with one banana, and the other was handed to me as she released me. “I just had an idea for something we could do, smart ass.” She smirked. “What's that?” I began peeling my banana and by the time I'd taken my first bite I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and tried to take in what she was holding. Stretchy looking fabric with bright neon colors. I squinted at it. Bathing suits... I glanced back over my shoulder out the window and into her backyard at the inviting looking swimming pool. She set down one of the suits beside me and kissed my cheek. “I'll be downstairs.” I tied my hair back and felt both amused and slightly pathetic that I could fit into a bathing suit of Tiffany's that she must have been able to fit in back when she was just a teenager. I hung my head over the side of the stairs on my way down just in time to see Tiffany walk past with her killer body in her bathing suit holding our cell phones, and some towels. I jumped the last few steps with a childish grin on my face and followed
Tiffany outside only to be greeted, in all its glory, Tiffany's incredible backside. She was bent over laying out two towels in the sun on the sunniest piece of deck. Once I realized that I was staring at her like a piece of meat I shook my head stupidly and forced myself to look away. What's gotten into you...? I walked out barefoot across the hot concrete to where Tiffany was laying our towels out in the sun. I switched back and forth between feet so my feet weren't scorched while I was waiting. “Don't wait for me.” Tiffany said, standing up straight. “Get in. I'm gonna grab us drinks.” Her head slowly dropped in front of me as her eyes drew lines down my body. I watched her face intently on baited breath. She grinned stiffly and locked eyes with me again. I knew then, what sort of swimming session she had in mind. “Go.” She said, patting my butt and grinning before turning and walking back into the house. I turned and tested the water, dipping my foot into it gingerly. Surprisingly, it felt perfect. I decided that the shallow end would be plenty deep enough for me and used the stairs to inch my way into the water. It felt so nice that when it was up to my shoulders I pulled my hair down and submerged my head completely. It's not like I intended for it to be a test for myself... to see how long I could stay under water... but it felt nice. I
let my body go limp and just listened to the garbled silence. My hair was swirling weightlessly above my head and down here, under water, I felt like I was finally disconnected from all my worries. I heard a wooshing sound and opened my eyes to see a blurred pink figure in front of me. Tiffany's legs being teased by a sudden rush of tiny bubbles. She must have jumped in beside me. I came to the surface throwing my hair behind me. I must have come up right in front of her because her arms were practically around me instantly and I happily melted against her firm body. “Damn. Thought you drowned for a second there.” She said. “Damn?” I asked, glaring at her. “Ah well, I'll just give you CPR anyway, just to be sure.” She said, snickering. I rolled my eyes at the corny line and ducked under her arm to escape the kiss. It ended up landing in the side of my face anyway, her arms wrapped around me from behind. It felt really nice... but my eyes were locked on the two beers sitting on the deck right beside the water. I couldn't quite figure out what was shoved into the shaft of the bottle until I got close enough. Lime wedges. I smiled to myself and wondered if this was what it was going to be like being married to Tiffany, having every small insignificant detail checked upon and perfected, knowing she probably took the time to cut the lime
herself... How badly she wanted to make me a nice breakfast... Tiffany is going to make an excellent wife. I grimaced from sipping my beer and spun in her arms to face her. Tiffany was clinging to me, smirking down at my body. “You look nice today, Tae Tae...” She said. I raised an eyebrow. “You look kind of perverted today.” I responded with a grin. She hit my shoulder and pulled me into a tight hug. I closed my eyes, feeling her smooth body pressed against my own. I didn't want her to let me go and it was as if she could read my mind. I held on tight to her shoulders and she held me close. I hung my head over her shoulder just watching the ripples in the water as we turned slowly. “Tae...” Tiffany said softly. “Hm?” I hummed. She pulled her head back to rest her forehead against mine. “...We're free.” She whispered. I blinked, still staring at the sunlight gleaming off of the water as I took in every meaning of that statement. It was curious how she referred to being
stuck in a contract like a prison sentence. I didn't realize until she said it that she was right. That was exactly what this felt like. Like we'd broken out of prison and we were in hiding. Like we were supposed to be somewhere else doing something instead of leisurely enjoying our time together. It was going to take a lot of time to get used to just having our free will back... It would be like this forever now... “I love you.” I whispered. I felt Tiffany's wet hand land underneath my chin and I had to break eye contact with the water. She tilted my head and lowered her face to mine. Pure bliss... To find this level of devotion from another human being is truly what makes life worth living. This feeling must be the very reason there’s a wide market for hundreds of artists just like me to release those cheesy, beautiful and sometimes senseless love songs for every normal person to enjoy. Money can't buy love and for some reason fame prohibits you from that one basic human function... But even if you can't have everything, I'm content with my choice. Tiffany sighed audibly against my lips before pulling away, resting her face against mine.
“I really wish I could have kissed you like that yesterday... in front of everyone.” She said. “I guess I'm not as brave as you.” I smirked. “I'm not so sure it's bravado as much as it is irresponsibility...” Tiffany ignored that. “Do you even know what that felt like from my perspective.” I shook my head. She smiled. “You proudly claimed me in front of the world, Tae...” I knew where this was heading, mostly because Tiffany's hands were becoming playful on the small of my back. “You know what? I give up.” She said, shaking her head and shrugging. “It's like every time I think you've reached your limit you manage to do something else to completely blow me away.” The adoration in her eyes penetrated me. It struck me as so odd that the times I truly impress or turn Tiffany on the most, its without intent and I knew that I succeeded in both because her hands were drifting lower. “So sexy, Tae Tae.” She whispered before biting down on my ear lobe gently. I closed my eyes, feeling little jolts of electricity shoot down my neck.
“... I-In the pool, Tipani?” I asked. “Mmmhmm.” She hummed, traveling from my ear to my neck. As she began sucking on my neck I could feel myself melting. Surely, soon, I would be just as fluid as the water we were surrounded by. Tiffany began sucking harder and my eyes opened in thought because I could swear I could feel teeth. “Uh...” I croaked, trying to pull my head back. This is when I started feeling alarmed. Tiffany held me into place by gripping my head. All I could do was kick my legs feebly against the water. “Wha- What are you doing?!” I choked. “Mm.” She sighed, easing off only long enough to breathe before sucking me harder. I could feel that part of my neck growing warmer. I whimpered, trying to push her away by her shoulders to no avail. At her own will, Tiffany finally released me and my flesh came out of her mouth with an audible pop. “What the heck!?” I yelled, shoving her aside before bringing my hand to my neck. I looked at my hand and gasped. “You drew blood!”
Until this point, Tiffany was laughing so hard she couldn't even see. “Let me see.” She pulled my hand away and examined my neck, looking happy with herself. I glowered at her as she did so. “I didn't think it'd be that big.” She smiled. “Yah, Taeyeon-ah! That's my first hickey ever!” I shook my head at her incredulously, unable to keep from smiling. She was acting like a child that had just made their first piece of art and wanted it put on the refrigerator. I knew why she did it, too. I knew that, if things were different; if we were still employed, having a hickey would simply not be allowed. It was an act of our new found freedom. “Are you mad?” She asked. “..No.” I conceded. “I got carried away.” She said. She grabbed onto the edge of the pool and pulled herself against me, effectively pinning me against the wall. “I'll make sure the rest go in places where people can never see them.” To get even closer, she pushed her knee between my legs and forced her way between them. We were now wrapped up in each other so tightly that I could hear her heart beat every time she inhaled. “... You're killing me.” I said softly.
“I'll make it up to you, I promise.” She whispered, taking my lips once more. I let my body go limp in her arms. She was going to take me and I was going to let her. I was ready for it. We had a lot of lost time to make up for... but I heard something and it distracted me. I opened my eyes and peered over to the glass patio table where it sounded like a woodpecker was assaulting it. “It's mine. Ignore it, Tae.” Tiffany murmured. Ah, her phone. I let my eyes roll shut again and just enjoyed Tiffany's hands working to untie my bikini. I heard the noise again but tried to ignore it. I listened to Tiffany's ragged breathing instead, but then I heard an impact and what sounded like delicate pieces of plastic tinkling against the concrete. We both looked over to see that Tiffany's phone had vibrated itself off of the table and broken apart on the floor. Tiffany swore under her breath and let go of me. “Is it broken?” I asked with little concern. Admittedly my mind was in the gutter, and the water that was rushing off of Tiffany's body in waves as she exited the pool captivated me.
She used a towel to dry her hands before handling it. “No, the battery just fell out.” She said, putting it back together. I heard my own phone, a text massage, and started walking out of the pool too. “Don't worry about it. We're taking a day off remember?” She said, partially blocking me from getting to it. “I might as well look though.” I muttered. As Tiffany's phone was still powering back up, my phone started ringing. “It must be important.” I said. “Let it go.” Tiffany insisted. I couldn't get around her to see it, but the instant her phone came back online it started vibrating again. I looked down at hers. “... Why is Hyomin calling you?” I asked her. “... I don't know.” She said. Once my phone finished ringing, it sounded off three new text messages, and Tiffany finally let me pass to look at it. “Shinyoung.” I murmured. The message she left just said 'call me'.
Our phones both began ringing at the same time. Tiffany and I looked at one another with our mouths hanging open. “I don't get it.” I said. It was a little frightening. Never had I received so many calls on my phone at the same time. “I think... the news just got out, Tae.” Tiffany said. I just watched the messages flash through my screen, quickly being replaced by new ones. All of them from people who weren't a part of SM. People who would still be surprised by the news coming out. It made sense. Over in Korea, people were reeling right now over us, while we stood here comfortably, poolside, with alcoholic beverages. I felt like I was on a different planet. “... Who do I answer first?” I asked. “Nobody.” Tiffany said. My question seemed to have woken her up, because she yanked the cell phone out of my hand and turned it off along with her own.
“But-” “No. We're done with that life. We don't have to think about this right now. They'll understand.” She said. But I couldn't shake the thought from my head. My friends and colleagues,
what did they all think about me now? Were they calling in the hopes that I'd deny everything? I stared at my feet, paralyzed. “We'll live better lives now, after all of this.” Tiffany said. “We can do anything we want. We don't have to answer...” “Anything we want.” I echoed. “No curfew, no obligations-” Tiffany was breathing heavily. I could tell she was talking out loud as if trying to convince herself of this, more than me. “No schedule, no rules.” She sighed, walking into me. She couldn't convince herself. “...It's a false freedom... we still have to go back, don't we?” She said. I nodded and she walked into me, her damp bathing suit feeling like ice against my skin but I didn't recoil from her. I held her closer. She felt exactly as I felt, that all of the repercussions would hit us at once when we went back to Korea. Even being cut free... we still had loose ends to tie up. “Tae? I think we should do it right then.” “What does that mean?” I asked.
“...I think we should stop in New York first.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Yah, if you don't hurry up we'll miss our appointment.” I heard Yuri yell. It was two weeks today since we'd been called into the President's office and told we weren't allowed to ever mention Tiffany or Taeyeon in interviews again. Two weeks since I was declared the new leader and they told us we'd be continuing as a seven member group. We were told we'd be getting right into preparations for our Japanese comeback, but production had come to a halt. Despite the companies statements about everything running normally and how confident they were things would be just fine without the other girls, they seemed frozen with fear over how to continue. It was obvious that SM was panicking. Sure, it surprised me that it turned out this way... but it completely blindsided SM. By denouncing Taeyeon and Tiffany and firing them it was as if they'd set off a pile of dynamite. Sure, there were plenty of people that supported their decision; the ones that spouted hate towards Taeny and blamed them for the fall of SNSD, for the fall of values in Korea and for being bad role models for their children. But what they hadn't anticipated were how many people that would truly voice their support for Tiffany and Taeyeon. Not only just devoted fans but other artists in the industry. Other actors and actresses that knew the girls and even people who weren't even into Kpop to begin with. Those who just
felt appalled at the injustice. It was bigger than the fandom... the entire country was divided about this. But just the complacency and sitting around not knowing what was going to happen in our future put the rest of the girls and I into depression. With every day that passed, I could see the will to continue leaving in the other girls' eyes. It just didn't seem right to carry on like normal without two of our sisters. Taking advantage of this pause in our schedules, most of the other girls were never even seen around the dorm anymore, opting to spend time with their families instead. That left Yuri and I alone in the dorms. It was like taste of what it might be like if I ever moved in with her. “Two minutes.” I shouted back. Once again, despite the world crashing down around us, Yuri proved to be an amazing distraction. Today, she insisted on taking me to her private gym for a workout and while I loved the idea of spending time with her, working out in a gym pretty much bored me. To put it simply, I'm not exactly the athletic type, especially at nine in the morning. So in the moment I had away from her earlier on in the week, I bought myself some new, rather provocative workout clothes in the hope that it would change her mind about going at all. On my way into the living room, I grinned and watched her eyebrows rise as
her eyes fell. “I'm ready.” I said, tying my hair back. She got to her feet. “...You're going dressed like that?” “Yeah, why not?” I asked, bringing my foot up on a nearby stool to tie my shoe. I could feel the tight fabric of my shoulders hug my curves firmly and knew that the angle that Yuri was watching all of this from should be enough to set her off. “... I said it was a private gym, but there will still be other people there, you know?” She said in a small voice. I put my foot down, and grinned up at her completely understanding why she was feeling timid. “I can change if you don't want other people to look at me.” I said, putting my hands on either side of her waist and walking into her, pushing her back towards the couch. “It's not that. I just... d-don't want you to feel self conscious.” She stuttered. She lost the battle to keep her balance and ended up sitting again. I straddled her lap. “But I like looking sexy for you, Yuri-ah.” I said, faking a pout.
She paused, smiling. “...Well, we could just stay home and work out.” Suddenly, I heard keys jangling from outside, and then I heard the keys roughly being shoved into the lock in the front door. I sat up straight, wincing, knowing that all my hard work in getting out of the gym was probably all in vain now. Then I wondered who it could be, thinking I was sure that the other girls were all supposed to be gone today. But it wasn't a female that entered. My first instinct was to grab a heavy object to hit him with but after staring at him I found something familiar in his face. Before I could act, Yuri was on her feet, effectively throwing me onto the floor. “Omo! What do you want!?” Yuri growled. I pulled myself to my feet using Yuri's arms and she stood in front of me protectively. We had a stare off with the man in silence. Right when I figured out who he was, the next person walked in behind him. Tiffany came to a stop and eye smiled warmly at us. Yuri gasped.
Then she came walking in. It was a jolt to see Taeyeon with brown hair and bangs again. My staring was surely going to burn a hole through her head. I couldn't get over it. It was like she'd just come back from a time machine. She looked like my childhood friend again... It wasn't until now that I realized how overly old the blonde made her look. She was a kid again. “...Did we interrupt something?” Tiffany asked slowly, smirking brightly. “No... we were... I mean, we were going to the gym.” I blushed from Tiffany's implication. She glanced backwards at the clock and I knew she thought it was bizarre I was up so early. “Wait. What are you guys doing here?” They both looked guilty. “We're here to get our things.” Taeyeon said. I glanced back at Yuri. “But... We've tried calling you and we haven't heard a thing. Why didn't you tell us you'd be coming? The others would have loved to have seen you...” Tiffany looked at Taeyeon, who was staring at her feet before answering. “We thought you'd be busy.” Taeyeon touched her brother's arm and muttered. “Let's get started.”
Jiwoong followed Taeyeon to her room, pulling out a large roll of trash bags from his back pocket and brandishing it like the hilt of a sword. Instead of following them, Tiffany approached us and pulled me into a tight hug, pulling Yuri close as well with her other arm. “I miss you guys.” She lamented. “We miss you too.” Yuri said. My eyes were still locked on Taeyeon's back, until she turned the corner and disappeared. “...It's nothing personal.” Tiffany whispered. “I've been following everything really closely on the internet, everything that's been going on with you guys and Taeyeon doesn't want to hear a word about it. She was fine the entire time we were in the states but... I think she was really scared to see you guys again.” “...Why?” I asked. “She's carrying around a lot of guilt.” She said, sighing and looking around the dorm. “Is anyone else here?” I shook my head. “I expected you guys to be in Japan by now.” She said. “We did too.” Yuri said, blankly.
My head was no longer in their conversation. Guilt... I couldn't wrap my head around it. How could Taeyeon be carrying around all the guilt when I was so sure I deserved a part in it myself. One day soon it could be me. Yuri and I could end up facing the same fate as her and Tiffany. I became aware of how awkward it suddenly felt. Two weeks without a word and after five minutes were we already out of things to talk about? I stared at Tiffany. Is this how things were going to be between us from now on? Is this what she wanted? What they wanted? Jiwoong emerged into the living room with two full trash bags that he set by the front door. The sound he emitted made Tiffany's head turn towards him. I grabbed her wrist to take her attention back. “We don't blame you guys.” I said, flatly. Tiffany nodded. “Somehow, I already knew that.” She heaved another sigh and gave me a sympathetic smile. “I'd better go help them.” Yuri's hands were rubbing my shoulders as I watched Tiffany disappear. I felt pressure building up in my chest and even though Yuri's hands were
doing the best they could to keep me calm, I felt the purest of panic. The doubts I'd been carrying around lately had just trumped my last practical idea. 'Ignore it. Beat it down and carry on like they want you to.' I couldn't do it any longer. I turned my head into Yuri's shoulder and hid my face. “Breathe...” Yuri said in a soothing tone. “I.. I can't. I can't do this.” I breathed. Taeyeon came out next with a bag and set it beside the others. I looked over my shoulder at her and our eyes met for a fraction of a second before she walked away but in that brief glimpse into her face I could see how tired she looked. Not physically, but emotionally. The stress was wearing her down... the stress that I should also bear. I wished now, fervently, that it was me in her position instead. “Can't do what...?” Yuri asked. “... I can't be in Girls' Generation anymore.” I whispered. I couldn't look into Yuri's face for a reaction out of fear, but Yuri's hands didn't even stutter. She continued the smooth rhythmic massage of my shoulders. “... I know.” She finally crooned. “Do you feel that way also?”
“... I know things will never be the same.” She said. “... Of course they won't..” Yuri looked thoughtful and reclaimed her place on the couch. She pulled me down with her to sit across her lap, her chin resting on my shoulder. “We all knew it was going to end eventually, right?” She murmured. “I think I'm okay with this... ending.” She said, sounding very uncertain. “I just wish I haven't taken this situation for granted... seems like it just slipped by so fast...” I met her eyes, wishing for the same thing. “I think we've got a meeting to arrange.” She said, patting my thigh. “Yeah...” I sighed. It was time, as a unit, to stop avoiding the inevitable. I was tired of sitting around and waiting for SM to tell me what to do. I wasn't a child anymore and I wanted to make my own decisions while, at the same time, working in the best interest of the others.... It saddened me that it took them under an hour to strip any trace of themselves from their old dorm room. Jiwoong was now trying to pick up as many bags as possible. The girls hovering next to him awkwardly.
“Sorry we can't stay longer. Taeyeon's parents are expecting us...” Tiffany said. Yeah right, I thought. Taeyeon looked like she was dying to get out of here and then what? What if she never got over this? What if she never tried to contact us again? I couldn't allow myself to consider the thought... “This...” I shook my head. They both stared at me. “This is so stupid! Why are you being like this?” I asked, coldly. Taeyeon blinked at me, visibly shuddering. The cute kid leader persona more evident than ever on her face. “You can't just disappear Taeyeon, we'll find you.” I said, my voice raising. “I don't know why you're trying to do this alone, we're all in this together.” Taeyeon ran her hand down her face, looking agitated. I started walking towards her and I could feel Yuri hanging on to me loosely; protectively. “...Yah, well you need to get over this, now. You're a leader n-” Taeyeon tried to say. “No.” I shrugged. I looked between her and Tiffany. “You are our leader. How could you even think it would ever work without you? Or you?” I
prodded Tiffany in the stomach with my finger. “Make it work. For them.” Taeyeon said. “You haven't seen them. You haven’t answered their phone calls. Everyone's depressed Taeyeon. Being out of sight doesn't put you out of mind.” I said. “It's over.” There it was. I finally voiced what I knew everyone has been thinking for the last two weeks. It's over... Girl's generation is over... Taeyeon started shaking her head, her eyebrows drawing together. “I'll take it from here. You never led us astray in four years, I'll see to it that we'll do right by you, Taeng,” I touched her arm. “But you better still be my damn sister when this is all over with.” I pulled her into a hug and I felt her body all at once give in. She hugged me back, the same way we used to hug each other as trainees. When we weren't sure or not if we'd even make it. Against my shoulder I saw a small smile on her face, probably from how bold my last statement had been. “Don't worry about a thing.” I whispered. She nodded slowly and rubbed her eyes. “And really, of all people you're going to be afraid of seeing me?” I asked, smirking.
She chuckled. “Well, I was mostly afraid of running into Thomas.” My smile faded. “Taeyeon... Thomas... got fired.” I frowned at her. Yuri walked around me to hug Taeyeon as blank shock spread across her face. “Why...?” Tiffany asked. “He wasn't supposed to tell you about the pictures before the concert.” I said, pursing my lips. “There's more to it, but we don't really get that much insider information since Sunny isn't talking to her uncle anymore.” Taeyeon started shaking her head, looking incredibly angry. “... Jeshica, if you guys are going to quit do it on your own terms. If you go through SM you'll never be allowed to speak the truth.” She said, shortly, “And do it before they can force you to do anything else.” Taeyeon pushed Jiwoong ahead of her and disappeared on her way down to the elevator. Tiffany's hand landed on my face. “I love you.” She said softly, kissing my cheek. “I love you too.” I muttered. She reached over my shoulder to grasp Yuri's
hand briefly before following after the others. After the elevator doors shut, I closed the front door and turned to Yuri. “We need to do this now.” I said. “I agree.” She said. She patted my back. “At least they look well.” By well, I assumed Yuri must mean that they're still breathing. They didn't look all that 'well' to me. I went to my room to retrieve our cell phones and stopped along the way back. It was a shock to see how empty their room looked without their possessions. Completely white walls and nothing on the ground except for the furniture. I spotted though, that out of their huge plushy collection, they left behind one Totoro and one Dukong, tucked under the covers. I swallowed hard and continued down the hall, starting the mass text message to the other girls, insisting that they come back to the dorms instantly, that we had a lot to talk about. “That was a nice rock though, huh?” Yuri said, taking her cell phone out of my hand. I blinked up at her. “Rock?” “Tiffany's ring. It was huge.”
I felt my eyes bulge. “Ring? Wedding ring?” -----------------------------------------------------------------------I watched the landscape pass by me as I sat in my brothers truck enjoying the short ride home to Jeonju. It wasn't that I wasn't looking forward to reuniting with my mother again for the first time since Christmas, but I just wasn't sure if I was ready. I wasn't sure what kind of words she had ready for me after I'd just essentially shamed the entire family.
I welcomed every bit of traffic that forced us to delay that reality.
Tiffany, who was sitting in between Jiwoong and I, put her hand on mine and I stared down at our hands together. Her ring glinting in the sun next to my own.
“Umma is going to throw a fit.” He said.
I already knew that.
“She'll understand.” I said. “We'll have a real wedding when we have our life situation in order. It just... needed to be done.”
I looked sideways at Tiffany and gave her a soft smile, which she returned.
“Are you comfortable, sister?” Jiwoong asked Tiffany, lightly.
I smiled.
Upon telling him about our hasty marriage, he'd used every opportunity to address her formally
as his new sister. I only hoped the rest of my family would be so welcoming.
“Uh oh.” He said, reaching into his shirt.
He glanced down at his phone and smirked. “Speak of the devil.” Glancing towards me he showed me the screen. Mother was calling.
“Answer it.” He said, handing it to me.
“Eesh. I don't want to.” I said.
In a last stitch effort I looked at Tiffany and held the phone out to her.
She hit me in the shoulder.
“Fine, fine.” I muttered.
“Yeobosayo?” I said into it.
“... Ji-? Sooyoung-ah?”
My mouth dropped open and I looked at Jiwoong.
“Umma, it's Taeyeon.” I said, rolling my eyes at him.
“Ah. Are you at home yet?”
“Not yet, Umma, we're on our way now.” I said.
I bit my lip, thinking about ways to make Jiwoong pay...
“Can you come to the shop instead? Your father and I are both here.”
“Aigoo, we have all of our things in Jiwoong's truck Umma, can't we just meet you at home?” I said.
Tiffany smiled at me. I must have sounded like a whiny child.
I waited for a response. I could hear a muffled conversation going on on the other end between her and my father and it made me suspicious.
“You can come here.” She said forcefully. “And soon yes? And use the back parking lot.”
“Alright. We'll be there shortly.” I said, flatly.
It would take some getting used to having parents around again, knowing there would be no arguing over small details, though Tiffany and I only anticipated spending a few weeks at home while finding our own place to live.
I set the phone down on my lap and stared ahead, rubbing my bottom lip in thought.
“They want us at the shop. Take the back entrance.” I muttered.
“Alright.” He said.
...
“Oppa.” I said.
“Eh?”
“Why would Mother think that Sooyoung would ever answer your phone?”
We stopped at a red light and I watched him go rigid. He gripped the steering wheel tighter, staring deadpan; straight ahead.
“She thought you were Sooyoung?” He asked. His careless smirk came too late.
“Yes.”
He shrugged. “Maybe she thought she was helping us move.”
I glowered at him until he looked back at me.
He sighed heavily and we started moving again.
“We only went out to eat once as friends.” He said. “Sooyoung-Ssi wanted to say hello to her when she Umma calling.”
“...Pabo.” I muttered. He was lucky Tiffany was sitting between us.
“Wae? That's not nice.” He grinned.
I shook my head. This was already a lost battle and I had enough to prepare for mentally knowing I was about to see my parents again. Tiffany who was eye-smiling like crazy nudged me with her elbow and mouthed 'so cute'. I wasn't in the mood to argue with her either.
I rested my head against the window and the streets began looking more and more familiar as we got nearer. The bonus was avoiding the main street traffic altogether by taking a side street to the back parking lot.
The usually abandoned 'parking lot' was nearly full, but luckily we were still able to get a spot. I climbed out of the truck first and then held a hand out for Tiffany to step out onto the uneven
gravel.
We came across my father first as we walked followed Jiwoong into the back door. His smile was fixed and he took extra time to hug each of us. I couldn't figure out what about his stature gave of the era of stress. I figured they must have been having a busy day.
I didn't see my mother until we were inside the actual shop. I was surprised to see nobody else was in the store and I could tell immediately that something was wrong. All the blinds were tightly shut, and I just felt an aura of buzzing... for some reason I felt energy and liveliness where I saw none.
“Are you closing up early?” I asked, looking up at the closed blinds.
My mother didn't answer.
She rose from the desk and hastily jogged her way around to hug me.
“Ahh, my girl.” She said softly against my head.
She let go of me and quickly gave Tiffany the same treatment. Tiffany smiled down at me over her shoulder.
“I'm so glad to see you both.” She said. “How was your flight?”
“Long.” I muttered.
“Not bad.” Tiffany said.
It was cute to watch how Tiffany acted in front of my mother. Though their last time together didn't go so well I could see that my mother was trying to be on her best behavior today. Over the last six months she must have come to terms with my relationship. It made things feel a lot
more comfortable right off the bat.
“I love your hair.” My mother said to me, teasing the bangs with her hand. “I always thought brown was best on you.”
I smiled. “I didn't have a choice Umma, chlorine turned it green.”
She laughed.
I grinned and looked around the store, wondering how so much time could pass with so little changing in a particular place. It looked exactly as I left it last time I was here. The only thing I was nervous about seeing was the shrine my father had built of me. It was bigger than last time and still standing proud near the entrance. My father and brother were speaking quietly in the doorway to the back of the store. I couldn't figure out why they seemed so serious.
And even though the store was empty I couldn't shake the feeling that we somehow weren't alone.
“Okay, here's the situation.” My father said, coming to stand with us.
“Situation?” I asked.
He motioned for me to go behind the counter and I took a seat near the cash register.
My mother bit her lip.
“I asked you here today because I thought there was something you needed to see.” She said.
I frowned at her. To me, this was starting to sound like an intervention of some sort.
“I've never seen anything like it before.” My father said. He adjusted his glasses on his face and
switched on a monitor beside me. The monitor for the security system.
I watched the picture fade in from black on the tiny screen and squinted. It was low quality and in black and white but I could make out a ton of people.
“What time did your plane get in?” My mother asked.
“Seven thirty, why?”
“Around nine o'clock people started gathering.” She said.
“Wait, this isn't a tape?” I asked.
My father shook his head.
“This is the front of the store in real time.” He said. “They're all here for you. We had to shut down for security purposes.”
“We figured somebody must have spotted you at the airport and they deduced this would be the best place to get your attention...”
My heart sank and I leaned back against the chair.
“Protesters...” I sighed.
My parents looked at each other, to Tiffany, and then back to me.
“Not protesters.” My mother said. “Supporters, Taeyeon.”
“If anything, I'd say they were protesting SM.” My father said.
My mouth fell open.
“Seriously?” I croaked.
“You can't tell on this... but they're all in pink.” My father said, pointing at the tiny monitor. “The first ones that arrived came and tell us that there would probably be more people coming. They were very respectful and didn't want to interrupt business but it looks like more people came than they anticipated...”
I looked closer at the blurry image now. It was hard to even spot an open piece of pavement along the entire length of the shop and even beyond.
“What do we do?” I asked, turning to Tiffany who looked almost moved to tears.
She shook her head and shrugged.
“Shouldn't you say something to them?” My mother asked.
“Umma, if we show our faces out there-”
“Shhh.” My dad stopped us, holding his hand up. Through the obscured glass, it sounded like they were singing. I immediately recognized 'Into the New World'.
That was all the convincing I needed.
I stood up and took Tiffany's hand.
“Well, it looks like I can finally be your security.” Jiwoong said, grinning.
I turned back and made sure everyone was ready to leave immediately following this stunt. I didn't want to hang around two long after since I was sure the crowd could quadruple in mere
minutes after our appearance.
“How are we going to do this?” I murmured to Tiffany.
“I... don't know.” She shrugged. “Let's just be ourselves.” She squeezed my hand. “Our true selves. We don't need to hide anything anymore...”
I smiled at her and brought her hand to my face, kissing it before patting Jiwoong on the back.
And as he led us into the open air, and the first screams reached my ears, I couldn't stop smiling. What looked like fifty or sixty people was only a mere fraction of the support we had on our side. It gave me hope to see how long and old some of the supporters were.
We stayed as long as we could, shook hands with most, and left with light hearts, as the protesters informed us that the majority bigger protest was outside of SM entertainment this very minute.
The way they wished us well was so kind that it left a permanent impression on me.
And I didn't let go of Tiffany's hand the entire time we were out there. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a light dinner, my mother all but forced us to go to bed knowing how badly jet lagged we must have been.
It was strange being back in my bedroom again and even stranger that my mom didn't seem to have any qualms about Tiffany and I sleeping together under her roof. I was truly proud of her. As a woman who was so against my lifestyle I knew there must have been a lot for her to let go of to support me.
Tiffany instantly fell asleep the moment her head hit the pillow, but I couldn't find rest so easily
even though I felt incredibly tired.
I lay beside her, staring at the light dully reflecting off of her skin in the darkness. I couldn't stop thinking about those people that were supporting me today. I couldn't stop thinking about the other girls and what they were going through all because of me.
I couldn't allow myself to feel better about this situation than I knew I should, but I couldn't help it.
Yes, I lost my job... but there was hope on the horizon.
Curiosity finally got the best of me and I vacated my bed to unpack my laptop. I sat back into bed besides Fany as delicately as I could without disturbing her, turned it on and plugged in some headphones.
For too long I've cowered from the headlines. It was time to face the music.
I stared at my search engine not even sure to begin, so I typed in my name.
My standard profiles came up first, like always. Links to Soshified and other fan sites that I opted out of going to first... I ended up on the bad side of the internet.
With a heavy heart I read some of the harshest comments on a fan video from SM town. Arguments flying back and forth between people defending my lifestyle and other people damning Tiffany and I to hell.
I quickly left the page, unable to read any more.
Then I came across a five minute video by a man who was vlogging about how he thought I was the bravest woman in Asia that left me beaming.
Overall, the situation seemed truly divided and that was more than I could have hoped for. It was almost exactly as BoA had said it would be.
Still smiling, I went to Soshified and started looking at recent posts.
The fans still appeared to be up in arms about something. A link to a Youtube video I found in a lot of different threads. I couldn't help feeling the most sorry for the fans that had been caught up in the middle of this horrible situation. I frowned and tried to think of a way to make it up to them while my video was buffering.
I was surprised to see the other girls faces when the video started.
The title was, “A very special message to SONE.”
Jessica, who was sitting in the middle, was the first to address the camera.
“Hello, Sone. This is a new place for us to be meeting isn't it?” She said softly. Nobody on the screen smiled.
I could already tell where this was going just by the low energy mood... the shrunken demeanor of the other girls. I nudged Tiffany to wake her up.
“Wae?” She whined.
“You have to see this. I said, turning the laptop towards her until I saw her squinting at the dim light from the screen. I pulled out one of my ear buds and offered it to her.
“We really wish that we were coming to you on better terms, but this has to be done.” Jessica continued. “The seven of us just got done discussing a lot of the recent events that have been going on and we thought it would be important for you to know why these things are about to happen to us.
Jessica paused and looked around at the others, before continuing.
“SNSD isn't a name that we got to pick, it was given to us before we debuted. When we given it, they told us that a name doesn't make a group what it is. Instead, the group makes its own definition of it's name through its performances. I remember, the night we were told our name, we all sat up discussing what it could mean to us and we hoped that since there were so many of us and we are all so different, that every one of our fans could look at us and find someone that they could identify with.”
“I remember that.” Tiffany said, sleepily.
I nodded.
Jessica swallowed hard.
“Two weeks ago, two of our sisters were fired from the group for being who they are and without them we don't feel that we can truly represent our entire fan base anymore. This will be the last official video that we release as a group.”
Tiffany sat up on her elbows and stared at the screen intently.
“Tiffany and Taeyeon were fired because they were in love. It's true, and we're not denying it.” Jessica said. “Idols are expected to live constrained lives, but we are drawing the line at people telling us who we can and cannot love.”
I heard Tiffany gasp beside me. I couldn't believe what I was watching.
I could see Sunny nodding fervently behind Jessica and tears in Sooyoung's eyes. Obviously this was all done in one take, because they were probably a wreck after shooting it.
“We'd also like to apologize to all of our gay and lesbian fans for how you must feel. The way that SM entertainment immediately fired Tiffany and Taeyeon-ah without even giving a reason must have made you feel like your lifestyle is so disgusting and obscene that it can never be addressed in the public eye. Even if the men in suits won't acknowledge you, we want you to know that we all support your lifestyle one hundred percent.”
Seohyun was nodding now.
I heard Tiffany sniff beside me loudly.
Jessica blinked and broke eye contact with the camera in evident thought.
“The thing that defines a generation is what positive strides it can make from its predecessors. So, on a final note, let's work together to become more accepting of one another. Let's reach out to our friends and family and tell them that we support them for who they are, even if their skin color, gender, or sexuality differs from our own. Let's all learn to love one another. It's time. Thank you. This has been Girls' Generation.”
I didn't have words...
I lay back against the pillows again, with my mouth hanging open loosely hanging on to Tiffany who was sobbing openly into my arms.
There was two things I was absolutely certain about.
Korea was now going to, for the first time, be in an open discussion about human sexuality and rights and somehow I'd become the poster child for the defense.
And in the age where idols can be deemed gods and pop culture rules the world...
A kiss can have a bigger impact than a nuclear warhead.
I was ready for the war. Bring it on.
Epilogue
