Te Ieutable, Ievcable, Unalteable . . .
Laws
o Dating Mike Tucker
Pacifc Press® Publishing Association Nampa, Idaho Oshawa, Ontario, Canada www.pacifcpress.com
Cve esign by Geal Lee Mnks Insie esign by Steve Lant Cve pht
Cpyight © 2007 by Pacic Pess® Publishing Assciatin Pinte in the Unite States Ameica All ights eseve
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ISBN 13: 978-0-8163-2247-3 ISBN 10: 0-8163-2247-6
07 08 09 10 11 • 5 4 3 2 1
Cntents Why Date? ...............................................................................5 Te Laws ..................................................................................9 Beaking Up Is Ha t D .......................... .................................................... ..........................46 46 ue Lve ..............................................................................51 Fining ue Lve .................................................................55 Binging It All gethe ........................... ....................................................... ................................61 61
Why Date? A ban name the Pvety Neck Hillbillies has ece a sng abut hw ha it is t n ne’s tuelve. Te lyics say that the listene cul “spen the night waiting a Pince Chaming t cme alng,” but i she’ll lk aun with a citical eye, she’ll likely cnclue that she’ll be “waiting a lng, lng time.” Ten the singe es himsel as a secn-ate ll-in: I might nt be M. Right, but, baby, we cul have sme un tnight. I might nt be M. Right, but I’m M. Right Nw. I’ve witten this bk in the hpes helping yu avi M. Ms. Right Nw as yu wait yu M. Right Ms. Right. I yu ae like mst peple tay, yu’ve almst given up n the thught having a healthy, ullling elatinship. Many the ating elatinships yu’ve expeience have been isastus. An while ating is icult, maiage seems like an abslute impssibility. Maybe yu paents’ maiage has been a nightmae an yu iens’ maiages n’t seem much bette. O i yu paents have a healthy maiage, yu may have cme t believe that a maiage like theis isn’t pssible tay—peple like yu paents just n’t exist anyme. Ameica’s high ivce ate appeas t cnm yu suspicins: I such a thing as a quality elatinship maiage actually exists, it’s ae enugh t be liste as an enangee species. S,
Laws o Dating lking the peect mate seems t be a waste time, an yu may well be tempte t settle M. Ms. Right Nw. While I knw I un the isk suning hpelessly ut tuch with eality, I tuly believe that yu can have a quality ating expeience. Me than that, I believe yu can n yu M. Right Ms. Right an expeience a satisying, jyul, an lasting maiage. Hweve, accmplishing this athe lty gal will take wk an iscipline. I yu ae t achieve smething as impbable as a quality elatinship, yu must begin with the en in min—yu must be able t pictue clealy what this elatinship will lk like. Yu must knw the qualities that essential in yu an yu utue patne must have t make yu eam elatinship a eality. Yu’ll nee t establish a “neve cmpmise” attitue abut yu elatinships, yu’ll have t lean hw t ientiy negative elatinships at an ealy stage, an yu must be willing t en a elatinship as sn as yu lean it esn’t pssess the qualities necessay happiness. Tis bk is esigne t help yu all this. I believe that in lage pat, the maiages that ail ail s because the peple invlve have mae a mess the selectin pcess. Mst peple n’t have a clea iea what they ae lking in a elatinship. Tey hpe that smehw when they’e in the ight elatinship, the lve bug will bite them an they’ll knw that this is the eal thing. Such thinking invaiably leas t isaste.
Te problem with dating Te Westen, inustialize wl is still petty much unique in its eliance n ating the pupse mate m ate selectin. In mst the wl maiages ae aange; paents the chsing, an llwing the weing, the cuple must get t knw each the an lean t shae lie tgethe.
Why Date? Peple haven’t been ating all that lng—nly the past centuy s. But nw it’s a cmmn pat eveyay lie in the Westen wl, an geat sums mney an lage amunts time ae spent n ating—t say nthing the thusans sngs, mvies, an bks peple have puce abut this pactice. I believe that many maiages tun ut baly because cuples have ate baly. Leaning t ate me intelligently can puce a much geate chance success in ning a ullling elatinship. What’s ating suppse t ? I believe ating can seve a numbe psitive pupses. Fist, it pvies an pptunity t lean hw t inteact with the ppsite sex. Scial inteactin an even cnvesatin c nvesatin between men an wmen is challenging at best. Dating can pvie an pptunity t hne these skills. Guys lean hw t talk abut smething the than vie games, cas, spts. An gils lean hw t cnvese intelligently abut things that might be sme inteest t the ppsite sex. Peple can als lean cnfict eslutin skills thugh ating. Te sexes ten t eal with cnfict ieently. Leaning hw the ppsite sex eals with cnfict can be geat value maiage. Dating can als be a suce un an eceatin. Dn’t iscunt this aspect ating. Lie can be petty ull i eveything evlves aun wk i the nly scial inteactin yu expeience is with same-sex iens. But the mst imptant unctin ating is mate selectin. Hweve, ate appximately thity yeas as a cunsel an a past, I’ve cnclue that eithe ating is a vey p meth mate selectin peple n’t knw hw t make it wk. Since I wn’t be able t cnvince sciety t ump ating as a meth ning a mate, pehaps I can help by shaing sme basic pin
Laws o Dating ciples that, i emplye cnsistently, will vastly impve its eectiveness. that en I e what I have immestly entitle Te Irreutable, Irrevocable, Unalterable Laws o Dating . I believe that mst peple wh ate eithe ail t unestan basic elatinship pinciples ae unawae that such pinciples exist. Whethe nt peple ae awae these pinciples, hweve, when they vilate them, the esults can be b e isastus. On the the han, when they llw these the pinciples, thei elatinships have a a bette chance suviving an pehaps becming mutually ullling. Peple ae much me likely t n a suitable mate i they chse t ate intelligently. An nt nly will mate selectin be me successul but the pcess ating itsel will be a me satisying. While yu may nt agee with all the laws ating, please emembe that I have base these laws n ecaes eseach by sme tay’s mst qualie authities n elatinships. I’ve als attempte t base the laws n anthe, vey imptant suce inmatin abut psitive elatinships—the Bible. Te laws ating apply egaless the age thse wh ae ating. Peple in thei sixties wh vilate these laws can have just as evastating esults can thse wh ae in thei teens an twenties. Te laws apply egaless ne’s sci-ecnmic status, ace, gene, age. Please cnsie these laws payeully. Dn’t isca any them at st glance. Discuss each ne with smene yu tust— smene wh has emnstate wism an elatinal success. I haven’t witten these ating laws t spil yu un. I e them in the hpe spaing yu as much pain as pssible, bth nw an in yeas t cme.
Te Laws Law # 1:
I it isn’t easy and it isn’t un, break up! Once, a yung cuple wh ha been ating a little ve a yea sai t me, “Yu’ve just gt t help us. We’ve stuggle s ha t keep this elatinship tgethe. It seems that evey time we tun aun we have a new challenge, but we’e cmmitte t making this thing wk.” I sai, “Why?” Te questin shcke them. I cntinue, “Why wul yu wk s ha t keep this elatinship? Tus a yu have pven ne inescapable act: Maintaining a elatinship between the tw yu is icult. I’ avise yu t beak up an n smene with whm maintaining a elatinship is easy.” Te cuple was stunne, but as we talke uthe they began t unestan. I wuln’t avise a maie cuple t en a icult elatinship. Tse wh ae maie shul spen the time necessay t make thei maiage wk even thugh ing s equies a stuggle. Tey’ve mae a cmmitment, an they shul hn that cmmitment. But while cuples wh ae ating may make a cetain level cmmitment, that’s nt the same as the genuine cmmitment maiage. Lawyes an cuts n’t inaily invlve themselves
Laws o Dating in the beakup ating elatinships. Tee is n mal cmmitment t isslve when a ating elatinship beaks up. Dating elatinships ae esigne t be tempay elatinships an shul be viewe as such. S, when yu iscve that a ating elatinship is ging t be icult t maintain, yu shul isslve it. Dn’t spen a geat eal time tying t epai it. Lean which yu patne’s pesnality taits, values, belies, lie cicumstances mae it icult the tw yu t be in elatinship an then ate smene wh esn’t have thse chaacteistics. Maiage wn’t suenly make it easie t get alng with the pesn yu ae cuently ating. In act, the pessue inceases signicantly in maiage, making it even me icult t cpe with smene t whm yu ae nt well matche. Why wul yu want t spen the est yu lie exeting mst yu enegy just t keep yu maiage alive? Why wuln’t yu want t may smene with whm it is easy t be in elatinship an then eicate yu emtinal, mental, an physical esuces t sme the, me ceative activity just t making yu maiage eepe an me ullling than yu eve believe pssible? Wuln’t it be geat t have h ave an exta eseve enegy an ceativity t evte t aising a amily excelling at a caee? Yu wn’t have thse eseves i yu eplete all them in simply tying t maintain civility in a maiage. Smetimes ating elatinships ae icult because ne the patnes cheats. I the tw yu have an ageement t ate exclusively an ne paty vilates that cmmitment, it’s unwise t spen a geat eal time attempting t epai the elatinship. Why? Because that pesn has pven that he she will cheat. A pesn wh will cheat n a cmmitment t ate exclusively will likely als cheat in maiage. Why spen valuable time tying t epai a elatinship that, i caie t maiage, will put yu at geat isk? 10
Te Laws I yu patne is vey neey an equies ininate amunts attentin, yu nee t ealize that thse equiements equiem ents wn’t be euce i yu get maie. Te pblem exists n a eep level, an maiage wn’t slve it. Neey peple shul iscve what’s causing thei neeiness an then n healing bee they ate seiusly—an cetainly bee they may. Law numbe ne esn’t mean that a cuple shul neve ace a challenge tgethe. Cnqueing a elatinship challenge can bing tw peple clse t each the. Hweve, when yu must spen an ininate amunt time wking ut pblems, the elatinship can’t be cnsiee as being eithe easy un, an it shul en.
Your own issues Sme peple have challenge me egaing this law. Tey say that i peple un m icult elatinships, they’ll they ’ll neve eslve thei wn issues. Tey claim that ten when we n it icult t be in elatinship with a pesn, it isn’t because that pesn is fawe but because we ae fawe. We cay u wn negative emtinal baggage with us int each elatinship, an until that baggage is unpacke, we’ll neve be t meaningul elatinships with anyne. While it’s tue that we may be ty pecent me the pblem in a icult ating elatinship, that esn’t necessaily mean that it’s bette t wk ut u iculties while we’e in the elatinship. A icult ating elatinship will nly slw wn the pcess u wn pesnal gwth. In mst cases it is bette t eal with these pblems while nt ating anyne steaily. Negative ating elatinships equie s much enegy that we’e ten t tie t aess u pesnal issues ppely. We can pgess me apily when u enegies aen’t ivie, when we’e ee t cus all u enegy n sel-impvement. Aitinally, a challenging ating elatinship cmplicates 11
Laws o Dating ealing with pesnal pblems. While wking n pesnal pblems, we’e ten cnuse as t which nes ae elatinship pblems an which nes ae pesnal pblems that wul exist even when we’e nt in elatinship. Withut the elatinship issues, we can accept pesnal espnsibility the pblems that emain an eal with them unencumbee by the cnusing maze issues that s ten accmpany unhealthy ating elatinships. Sme emtinal amage negative pesnality taits ae s eeply embee in u lives that they may equie us t seek the help a pessinal t ientiy an cect. Tee is n shame in seeking such help. It wul be a shame t have the pptunity t expeience a happie, me ullling lie an neve avail yusel the help that is available. Hw much bette it is t get the help that will enable yu t enjy lie an elatinships t the ullest! S, x yusel st an then ate. Yu’ll n that when yu’ve ealt with yu pesnal elatinship pblems, yu’ll be attacte t healthie peple an yu’ll be me attactive t the peple with whm a elatinship is easy an un. An when pblems aise in the elatinship, yu’ll be b e able t ientiy them as elatinship pblems athe than pesnal pblems. I believe that evey elatinship shul be hel h el lsely. Clinging t a elatinship ut the ea lsing smene can actually bing abut the esult that yu ea. Te patne eels tappe an may attempt t ceate sme istance m the clinging patne. When peple becme “clingy,” they ten t sucate the bject thei aectin. Clinging als suggests espeatin, an geneally, espeate peple ae neey peple. Oten they have a lw sel-image, believe that n ne cul pssibly lve them just as they ae, an ea ejectin. Despeate peple will almst anything t avi e jectin. Tey’ll plea, beg, change thei behavi, an attempt t 12
Te Laws change thei pesnality. Tey may even allw themselves t be teate ply in e t avi the pain lsing a elatinship. Maintaining a elatinship with a espeate pesn equies a geat eal time an enegy, which tens t ain the jy m the elatinship. It’s a bette t be cnent enugh nesel t be able t hl a elatinship lsely. Tat means that yu al ways give the the pesn an easy ut. Yu may expess such an ut like this: “I n’t knw whee this elatinship is heae, but I knw I eally like yu. Hweve, i yu eve ecie that yu ae unhappy, just say the w an I’m gne.” Nt nly es pviing an easy ut emve pessue m yu patne, it als places yu in a psitin stength. Bee smene can lve yu, they must st espect yu. Hw can they espect yu i yu n’t espect yusel enugh t elease yu patne when they tell yu the elatinship is ve? Healthy peple ae attacte t healthy peple, an healthy peple ten t be stng, sel-eliant, cnent, an inepenent. Tey n’t expect a elatinship t make them happy—they are happy peple, an they bing that happiness t thei elatinships. Such peple ae almst iesistible!
Best chance o reconciliation When yu give yu patne space, yu’e actually pviing the best chance ecnciliatin. Peple n this ha t believe, but it’s tue. Giving the pesn wh ens the elatinship space immeiately puts yu in a psitin stength an makes yu me attactive. It als gives that pesn immeiate eeback n what lie withut yu will be like. Tis may be the mst cmpelling agument him he t seek ecnciliatin. By the way, just saying that yu will give yu ating patne an easy ut isn’t sucient. Yu must be willing t just that. I yu patne ens the ating elatinship, it is a bette t let him he g. Dn’t phne yu me patne. Dn’t “accientally” 13
Laws o Dating bump int yu me patne in places yu knw he she equents. Dn’t beg anthe chance. Dn’t wite lettes puing ut yu lnely heat. An n’t ask a ien t meiate a ecnciliatin. Give yu patne space. I he she initiates a cntact, espn in a ienly manne withut making it appea that yu ae anxius that the elatinship esume. Once while I was in cllege, I believe I ha un the gil my eams. I just knew that we wee meant each the an that lie tgethe wul be geat. I was s anxius t may this gil that I aile t ntice hw much enegy we wee expening t keep u elatinship alive. Sentimentality ha supasse lgic, leaving me vulneable t making a ptentially isastus mistake. Tis yung wman was much wise than I, an she chse t en the elatinship. Quite ankly, she umpe me! Althugh she attempte t be kin in he chice ws, I un them t be unbelievably painul. But I accepte he h e ecisin, an we went u sepaate ways. As evastating as that expeience was at the time, it was actually the best thing that cul have happene. Lking back, I ealize that we wee ply matche an maintaining a maiage wul have equie even geate levels enegy m bth us. We bth wul have been let with eplete emtinal, mental, an spiitual esuces. While we may have avie ivce, u ceativity wul have been sappe, an lie wul have been a me icult. I we a geat ebt t this wman. She was wise enugh t sense that smething wasn’t ight an stng enugh t take the ppe steps t en the pain. Sme mnths late I aske anthe gil a ate. I was amaze by hw much un we ha an by hw easy it was t be in elatinship with he. Evey encunte was a jy. We neve playe psychlgical games with each the but wee ttally up nt with u emtins an thughts. Te elatinship blssme almst 14
Te Laws etlessly, an sn I aske he t be my wie. As this witing, Gayle an I have been happily maie me than thity yeas! F me, being maie t Gayle is as un an easy as ating he was. While lie has pse its pblems, the iculties between b etween us have been small, equiing lw levels enegy eslutin. Law # 2:
Date only people whom you would consider marrying. Te st law ating can save many a heatache. Remembe: I it’s nt easy an it’s nt un, beak up! My ex-gilien llwe that law, an bth us wee blesse by he ecisin. I a pimay pupse ating is mate selectin, then it makes make s sense t estict yu ating t peple wh might qualiy as maiage caniates. Since yu will likely may smene yu ate, yu pvie a measue saety by keeping that gup athe small an excluing thse wh wuln’t make a suitable maiage m aiage patne. S, hw yu ecie whm yu’ll ate an whm yu wn’t? Begin by asking yusel what yu shul lk in a mate. What chaacteistics yu esie in the pesn with whm yu expect t spen the est yu lie? I yu haven’t mae such a list, I suggest yu get state ight away. When yu make a list esie chaacteistics a utue mate, it may be helpul t inclue at least tw categies: negtiable an nn-negtiable. Sme chaacteistics may be nice t have but nt abslutely necessay. Othes must be abslutely nn-negtiable. I a caniate esn’t pssess ne yu nnnegtiable chaacteistics, mve n. Dn’t waste yu time ating peple wh wuln’t make a suitable maiage patne. 1
Laws o Dating I yu ae ating peple wh n’t pssess yu abslutely nn-negtiable chaacteistics, yu ae placing yusel at geat peil. Yu un the isk alling in lve with wi th smene with whm yu’e unlikely t n lng-tem happiness an ulllment in maiage. I’ve seen peple make a ba chice maiage simply because they ate the wng peple an then when eelings lve gew, thse eelings vewhelme thei thinking. Te cuse geatest saety is t ientiy the abslutely nn-negtiable chaacteistics yu equie in a maiage patne an then euse t ate anyne wh esn’t pssess all them. What shul yu inclue n yu list nn-negtiable chaacteistics? Allw me t suggest a cuple. I yu ae a ully evte llwe Jesus Chist, yu shul may smene wh is is als ully cmmitte t Him. Sciptue wans us, “D nt be yke tgethe with unbelieves. F what ighteusness an wickeness have in cmmn? O what ellwship can light have with akness?” (2 Cinthians 6:14). Spiituality is the mst imptant aspect a believe’s lie. I tw peple n’t shae a level intimacy n spiitual issues, hw can they eve hpe t achieve genuine intimacy in the aeas lie? I yu n’t agee n the vey ce lie, hw clse can yu t becme? I can pint yu t many, many peple wh atten chuch alne, having maie smene wh esn’t shae thei aith. While this may nt m a maiage t ailue, it cetainly can place unue stess n it an can even esult in pessue t cmpmise ne’s aith. Sme have tie t justiy ating peple wh n’t shae thei aith in Chist by saying they’ll ate them s they can witness t them an bing them t Chist. While yu may be able t pint t smene wh was successul in such an attempt, mst peple ail miseably. In act, it is much me likely that athe than cnveting thei ating patne t Chistianity, the Chistians will en up cmpmising thei wn belies an values. Evangelism by ating 1
Te Laws is a vey ba iea. Witness while yu ae just iens, but euse t ate anyne wh esn’t shae yu cmmitment t Chist.
A step urther Let’s take this a step uthe. I yu ae a ully evte llwe Jesus Chist, nt nly shul the pesn yu may be a ully evte llwe Jesus Chist t, but that pesn shul als hl sme specic aeas eligius pactice in cmmn with yu. F example, I’m a Seventh-ay Aventist Chistian. Tat means, amng the things, that I atten chuch n Satuay instea Sunay. While n the suace this may appea t sme t be a small matte, let me assue yu that this can be a maj stumbling blck t a successul maiage. I ne maiage patne attens chuch n Satuay an the the n Sunay, bth will n themselves attening chuch alne. Tis pactice isn’t cnucive t a satisying maiage. Sme agee t g t chuch n bth Satuay an Sunay, but that aely lasts me than a ew mnths. Othes agee t espect thei patne’s eligius pactices while hling n t thei wn, but this can be less than satisying since yu patne aely shaes yu expeiences spiitual gwth. Tis can cause yu t gw apat. Still thes live with an uneasy tuce in eligius mattes. Tis is mst unsatisying. I they’e lucky, the mixe-aith cuple may have ew ew cnficts ve this issue ealy in thei maiage. Te eal tuble cmes when chilen aive n the scene. Ten the questin becmes in which enminatin the cuple will aise thei chilen. I the cuple chses t g tgethe t the chuch that ne them belngs t, the ne whse chuch was ejecte ten eels esentment abut the chice. S, sme cuples agee t chse neithe enminatin, thinking they’ll allw the chilen t make thei wn ecisin when they’e l enugh. Hweve, eseach shws that chilen m such unins aely chse eithe e1
Laws o Dating nminatin.1 Mst ten, they’e s cnuse that they ten t emain unchuche as aults. When mixe-aith paents ecie that the chilen will be aise in the enminatin ne them while the the paent will cntinue t atten his he wn chuch, the chilen ae let at geat peil. Reseach emnstates that chilen wh atten chuch with nly ne paent ae at incease isk pping ut chuch as aults.2 Tey ae at geatest isk ing s i they atten with nly the mthe, an at a slightly lwe isk i they atten nly with the athe. Hweve, in neithe scenai ae chilen as likely t cntinue attening chuch when they’e aults as when bth mthe an athe atten chuch tgethe with thei chilen. S, i yu ate peple wh eithe n’t shae yu aith in Chist whse eligius pactices ae signicantly ieent m yu wn, yu ae taking a huge isk. I uge yu t make aith in Chist a nn-negtiable in ating patnes as well as in a utue mate. I als uge yu t chse smene yu enminatin whse eligius pactices ae simila t yu wn. In mattes aith, the me similaities, the bette ceating stng maiages. A elate aea nn-negtiable acts is that values. Ou values gven hw we live u lives. Tey aect the chices we make. An it isn’t just the big chices that ae aecte; lie pinciples an values als geatly infuence small, eveyay chices. It is imptant that maital patnes hl as many values as pssible in cmmn. I ne spuse values mateial wealth an the the spuse values amily cmmitment, instance, the esult can be a high egee incmpatibility. In subsequent laws we’ll cve the aeas that shul be cnsiee nn-negtiable. F nw, suce it t say that yu must cmpile a list nn-negtiable chaacteistics yu utue mate an that as sn as it becmes appaent that the pesn yu ae ating esn’t pssess ne these chaacteistics, yu must 1
Te Laws stp ating them. Restict yu ating lie t thse peple whm yu wul cnsie maying. Dn’t place yusel at isk alling in lve with smene wh wul be an unsuitable mate. Law # 3:
I your dating partner uses/abuses alcohol, prescription medications, illegal drugs, or mind/mood altering substances o any kind, break up! Tis law qualies as a nn-negtiable a utue mate. Why? When peple begin t use abuse alchl any the legal illegal ug, thei emtinal evelpment stps that vey ay. A ty-yea-l wh began t use alchl ugs at age teen an is still using them is still a teen-yea-l emtinally. While it is ne t think like a teen-yea-l when ne is a teenage, it eally stinks when ne is suppse t be an ault. Fiteen-yea-l kis make lusy maiage patnes. A t this the act that aicts all int vey unhealthy pattens elatinship, an yu have a pesciptin isaste in a maiage. It ten takes yeas intense wk in ecvey bee an aict is sae t may. I’ve wke as a chaplain in ug an alchl ehabilitatin hspitals, an I can tell yu that ew things can have a me negative impact n elatinships than aictins. Living with an aict can easily make yu an enable. Yu lve becmes sick— smething we ten hea eee t as c-epenency. Te aict nees t eel yu lve by being escue, an eventually, yu lean t emnstate yu lve by escuing. Aicts cnsie the substance chice as the mst imptant thing in thei lie. While they may say that yu ae me imptant t them than anything, thei ug chice will always take piity. In essence, they have chsen thei lve, an it isn’t yu. 1
Laws o Dating Peple have tl me that they cntinue t ate an aict in e t help him he. Tis is always a ba iea. Dating elatinships ae nt esigne t escue peple with aictins. In act, such elatinships almst always amage the emtinal health the peple wh ae attempting the escue. Te elatinship changes the abic thei lve. Tey can n themselves eteating m healthy lve elatinships as they’e awn t an unhealthy, c-epenent style lve. Tse wh ae in eep elatinship with an aict ten eel they have t keep the ity little secet. Tey n themselves making excuses thei patne even lying them while glssing ve the negative impact the aictin is having. Tey may eel petty g immeiately ate having escue ptecte thei patne, but it’s a teible way t live ne’s lie. Shul yu may an aict, yu cul vey well spen the est yu lie escuing yu mate. Whee will yu n the enegy t anything ceative with yu lie? Whee will yu n the enegy t aise a amily t have a meaningul elatinship with Jesus i yu spen all yu enegies ptecting escuing the aict?
More than alcohol and drugs By the way, chemical substances aen’t the nly things that can cause estuctive aictins. Sex, gambling, shpping, an even vie games can becme aictive. An in ecent yeas I’ve seen a amatic incease maital iculties cause c ause by ne patne’s aictin t pngaphy. While eithe paty can becme aicte, it is the man wh is mst likely t m a epenency upn pngaphy. Te esults can be evastating. A man’s use pngaphy is emeaning t his wie. She eels that he husban is cheating n he an esn’t quite knw hw t cmpete with “vitual” giliens he ns in magazines, vies, an n the Intenet. I’ve actually seen sme cases whee 20
Te Laws the aictin is s stng that the husban will tun wn sex with his wie in e t watch sex n a DVD a cmpute. Te wie eels evey bit as vilate as i he husban wee having sex with anthe wman. Te embaassment an eelings wthlessness ae icult t measue. Let me state this clealy: “Virtual” cheating is cheating is cheating! cheating! It estys elatinships an can be catastphic t a maiage an a amily. It euces human beings t little me than bjects passin while igning pesnality, intellect, belies, values, an ignity. I yu knw the pesn yu’e ating t be a use pngaphy, beak up. Yu cannt help him he beat the aictin. Te aict nees t want t beak the aictin baly enugh t seek cmpetent help an llw thugh with teatment. We haven’t even begun t speak the the pblems assciate with aictins. Tese pblems can inclue such things as a nancial stess, emtinal istancing, lss tuch with eality, health pblems, inelity, exteme an pesistent ishnesty, vulneability t isease, sel-hate, sel-ham, lack epenability, suicial ieatins, an eep guilt an shame. Tis list is n whee nea exhaustive, but nne the things mentine hee ae eve cnucive t ming stng elatinships. Dn’t ate peple with aictins. Pay them. Paticipate in an inteventin with them, an get them t smene wh can help them. But n’t ente an intimate elatinship with an aict. Tis must be an abslute nn-negtiable yu mantic lie. Law # 4:
I your dating partner is physically, sexually, or verbally abusive, break up! Let’s get a ew things staight. Abuse is always wng. Abuse is neve the ault the victim; it’s always the espnsibility an 21
Laws o Dating ault the abuse. Tee is neve a time when abuse ab use is pemissible even excusable. Abuse shul neve be b e tleate kept secet. G esn’t want yu t live in an abusive situatin. live with abuse is nt a sign spiitual matuity. Tse wh abuse ae unhealthy an aen’t t ating, neve min maiage. Tis law is anthe nn-negtiable. Abuse can neve be tleate. Physical vilence, ape, vebal abuse, emtinal abuse, an all the types abuse ae abslutely intleable. Statistics shw that ne in thee teenages have expeience vilence in a ating elatinship. 3 In ating vilence, ne patne ties t maintain pwe an cntl ve the the thugh sme kin abuse. Dating vilence csses all ecnmic, acial an scial lines. Wmen ages sixteen t twenty-u expeience the highest pe capita ates intimate vilence—nealy twenty pe thusan. 4 Tey’e als at high isk seius injuy. Tey ten believe that they’e espnsible slving pblems in thei elatinship an that they’e t blame the vilence in the elatinship. Oten they’ll e excuses thei byien’s ange. A yung wman calle me t ask abut he byien—she wnee what she cul t euce his stess. I aske hw he byien eacte when he was une stess. She was vey eluctant t tell me, but nally she amitte that he became vebally abusive an a ew times he ha even becme physically abusive. Tis yung wman was cetain that she ha cause him t eact this way. I tl he that he attitue was the classic espnse a victim abuse. Victims ten t accept espnsibility the behavi the abuse an t believe that i they cul just lean t avi making the abuse angy, the abuse wul stp. It tk sme time, but eventually this wman began t see he byien’s abuse what it eally was—the behavi a sick pesn. Sme victims have tl me that they in’t believe the abuse wul eve abuse them again. Pay clse attentin t the next tw 22
Te Laws sentences: Anyne wh has abuse yu is an abuse an has pven that he she will abuse. Te nly apppiate espnse t abuse in a ating elatinship is t beak up immeiately. I’m nt saying that abuses can’t stp abusing. Tey can, but t s, they almst always nee pessinal help. Yu can’t help an abuse by staying in the abusive elatinship. Instea, i yu stay, yu’ll evelp unhealthy attitues an behavi an will place yusel at isk uthe abuse. Tis is unwise. I yu want t help an abuse, beak up immeiately an ask smene else t help yu encuage the abuse t n help. Dn’t keep the abuse a secet. Secets empwe the abuse; penness takes away its stength. Remembe, i they ae physically, sexually, vebally abusive, beak up! Law # :
Beore you date, know how ar is too ar. Hw a is t a? I can’t answe that questin at any level etail yu. What I can say is that yu must set thse bunaies bee yu ate. When yu’e in a mment mance passin, it’s t late t make that ecisin. When setting yu bunaies, it is imptant that yu cnsie a cuple acts. Cnsie G’s pinciples sexual puity. An cnsie the cst ailing t set apppiate bunaies. Te cst can inclue such things as guilt, shame, unwante pegnancy, an sexually tansmitte isease. Dn’t think that yu can’t get a sexually tansmitte isease. Evey yea, thee ae me than 1 millin cases pelvic infammaty isease, 1.3 millin cases gnhea, an 4 millin cases chlamyia, an me peple have cme wn with syphilis nw than at any the time since the iscvey penicillin. 5 23
Laws o Dating While the iseases I’ve just mentine can be teate with antibitics, thee ae many sexually tansmitte iseases that can’t be cue. It is estimate that 56 millin peple in the Unite States have an incuable sexually tansmitte isease. 6 wenty pecent Ameicans ae inecte with an incuable sexually tansmitte vius! One such isease is hepes, a vius that inects ve hune thusan peple evey yea. An then thee ae HIV an HPV. Yu’ve n ubt hea HIV, the vius that causes c auses AIDS. HPV is the vius that causes genital wats an can even lea t cance the cevix. Sme estimate that as much as 90 pecent cevical cance is cause by HPV.7 Cases this isease ae at nea epiemic pptins n secula cllege campuses. By the way, ne stuy shwe that cnms ail t pevent pegnancy 15.7 pecent the time annually, while anthe emnstate a 36 pecent ailue ate in peventing pegnancy. 8 In aitin, ne stuy emnstate that cnms ha a ailue ate 31 pecent in peventing p eventing the tansmissin HIV. 9 I haven’t shae these statistics in an attempt t ighten yu. Hweve, the ppula meia is unlikely t shae the esults such stuies with yu. Tey speak sex with a cnm as “sae sex.” Tse statistics n’t sun vey sae t me! Cetainly, it wuln’t be wise t igne the negative cnsequences puce by ailing t set apppiate bunaies sexual activity. Hweve, as imptant as this is, it’s a bette t set yu bunaies base n psitive values, an the best values t use when setting pesnal bunaies ae G’s values as expesse in the Bible. Tey’ll neve ail yu.
When your date disrespects your boundaries When yu’ve set yu bunaies, i the pesn yu ae ating esn’t espect them, it’s time t beak up. Yu bunaies ae an expessin yu values— wh yu ae at yu ce. Wh24
Te Laws eve isespects thse bunaies is isespecting yu. Mutual espect is a hallmak successul succ essul elatinships. It is unealistic t expect that smene wh ails t espect yu bee maiage maiag e will suenly change an begin t shw espect when wh en yu’e maie. Tis is why it’s imptant that yu beak up with smene wh ails t espect yu values. Many peple tell me that thse whm they ate place a geat eal pessue n them t vilate thei bunaies egaing sexual intimacy. Sme say things like, “I yu lve me, yu’ll let me!” Tee’s nly ne apppiate espnse t such an iitic statement: “I yu lve me, yu wn’t push me t vilate a bunay that’s imptant t me.” Othes say, “Eveyby’s ing it.” Hweve, the tuth is that many peple aen’t ing it. Reseach eveals that the majity teenages an single yung aults aen’t sexually active. 10 But even i the majity wee sexually active, hw es that aect yu? What the majity es esn’t isn’t an expessin yu values. Yu values ae just that—they ae your values. N ne has the ight t push yu t vilate yu values. One yung wman—we’ll call he Jane—epte that he giliens wee making un he because at age eighteen she was still a vigin. One ien was paticulaly pushy an gave Jane a ha time at evey pptunity. On ne such ccasin Jane espne, “Lk, I can becme like yu any time I want. But yu can neve again be what I am tay. Yu can neve again be a vigin.” Jane’s espnse was ight n taget. A ecisin t eit yu viginity is ievesible. Jane unest that an ha cmmitte t emaining a vigin until maiage. But it’s nt just “the act” that Chistians shul avi. Tee is much the “sexualize activity” that they shul exclue m thei lie bee maiage. S whee yu aw the line? 2
Laws o Dating I can’t make a enitive statement yu, but I can shae a geneal pinciple. My wie, Gayle, Gay le, an I shae this pinciple with the yung peple in u chuch, chuch , an thei espnse was vey psitive. (Gayle an I ae bth pasts in u chuch, s place u cmments in that cntext.) On the questin hw a is t a, we sai, “Laies, any pat yu by that yu wul be uncmtable shwing t Past Mike is a pat yu by that n ne shul see tuch bee maiage. Gentlemen, any pat yu by that yu wul eel uncmtable uncm table shwing t Past Gayle is a pat yu by that n ne shul see tuch bee maiage.” Tis is a geneal pinciple but ne that I believe applies egaless yu age. Anthe way stating this pinciple is the ne-piece swimsuit pinciple. pinci ple. Any pat a male emale by that is cvee by a mest, ne-piece swimsuit swimsui t is a pat yu by that n ne yu’e ating shul see tuch pi t maiage. Why is this tue? Reseach shws that engaging in sexual intecuse highly sexualize activity pi t maiage has a negative impact n a cuple’s elatinship. 11 Allw me t illustate. D. Desmn Mis was a eseach psychlgist wh i stuies smething that he calle the “stages intimacy.” He has ientie twelve stages, the last u which whic h I believe shul be eseve maiage. D. Mis’s eseach inicates that elatinships that eithe ush these stages take them ut e ae me likely t ail. Te stages in e ae: Eye t By, Eye t Eye, Vice t Vice, Han t Han, Han t Shule, Han t Waist, Face t Face, Han t Hea, Han t By, Muth t Beast, uching Belw the Waist, an Sexual Intecuse. D. Mis says that when these stages ae ushe taken ut sequence, the eect n the elatinship is evastating. Eye t By, Eye t Eye, an Vice t Vice can take place aily quick2
Te Laws ly. Eye t By simply means that yu see smene an like what yu see. Eye t Eye ines sme ecgnitin thugh a lk that cntact has been mae. Vice t Vice has t with the st ws that ae spken. My athe’s st line t my mthe was “Hubba hubba!” Yu must emembe that this was uing the 1940s! Appaently it wke—at this witing they’ve been maie ty-ve yeas. Han t Han expesses a uthe step intimacy. While hling hans may seem aily inncent, it is inapppiate t hl hans with smene yu n’t eally knw. I hl hans with my wie, my siste, my aughtes, an even my mthe. Ate that, the list is vey sht. Hling hans expesses a level intimacy that I n’t have with many peple. Han t Shule an Han t Waist ae uthe expessins intimacy. Gentlemen, i yu place yu han n the waist a wman yu n’t knw, she is ging t eel vey uncmtable with hw wa yu ae being. She may ebu yu angily since yu haven’t eane the ight t place yu han n he waist! Face t Face is hugging an kissing. Cetain types hugs may be apppiate peple yu knw but aen’t ating, but intimate ace-t-ace hugging an kissing is a level intimacy yu shuln’t shae with many. Many ae supise that Han t Hea is cnsiee t be even me intimate than Face t Face. uthully, placing yu han n smene’s hea is cssing a bunay b unay line intimacy. Eveything else n D. Mis’ list shul be eseve maiage. Te stages intimacy ae pgessive. Rushing the stages jumping ve a stage in e t get t anthe ne is a mistake an can have a negative impact n the evelpment a elatinship. Engaging in any the last u stages intimacy pi t maiage als can have a negative eect n a elatinship. One 2
Laws o Dating way pving this is thugh the statistics egaing chabitatin pi t maiage. Tse wh live tgethe pi t maiage have a ivce ate that is 50 pecent highe than the nm. 13 Why? D. Mis wul suggest that these peple ushe the stages intimacy, enteing int the nal stages pi t making a cmmitment thugh maiage. I uge yu t make a cmmitment t sexual puity.
“Re-virgination” I yu’ve aleay csse the line sexual puity, it isn’t t late t change yu behavi. Remembe, G can give sexual sin just as easily as He can any the sin. He will give yu i yu’ll ask Him t. Jhn tells us that the nly equiement eceiving giveness is cnessin: “I we cness u sins, he is aithul an just an will give us u sins an puiy us m all unighteusness” (1 Jhn 1:9). When yu cness yu sexual sin bee G, He is hn bun t give yu. He pmise He will, an t ail t give wul be t beak His w. G can’t lie. He’ll give yu sin. Me than that, Sciptue tells us that when G G gives yu sin, He chses t get it t. Te Bible says that He will emembe yu sins n me (see Jeemiah 31:34). An i G can’t emembe yu sin, it’s almst as i it neve happene. Cetainly, in G’s min it neve happene. happ ene. G’s willingness t give an get is why I believe in “eviginatin.” I believe that when yu cness an ae given, since G can’t emembe yu sin, it is as thugh yu’ve becme a vigin again. Yu’ve been e-viginate! Jesus sai, “ ‘Behl, I make all things new’ ” (Revelatin 21:5). “All things” inclues yu. He makes yu a “new ceatin.” When Jesus gives, He als estes. S, n’t lse hpe i yu’ve aleay csse this line intimacy. Claim the giveness Je2
Te Laws sus an ask Him t “make all things new” with yu. He can be tuste. ay is the ay t ecie hw a is t a. ay is the ay t set yu wn bunay lines. Payeully etemine hw a is t a, an then cmmit yusel t live that way. Hw can yu make cetain yu n’t css yu bunay lines in the utue? Hee ae a ew suggestins. • Chse t ate peple whse eputatin is ne having chsen stng pesnal bunaies an especting the bunaies thes. • Duble ate ate in gups athe than single ating, especially when yu n’t knw what value chices yu ate has mae. Tis takes a bit the pessue . Tee eally can be saety in numbes! • Avi spening late hus alne tgethe. As the hu gws late, yu enegy an eslve weaken. • Cmmunicate yu bunaies ealy n in the elatinship. Shae hw imptant these bunaies ae t yu, an ask cpeatin m yu ating patne. • Dn’t use alchl ugs. Tey aect the pat the bain that cntls jugment. When yu ae une the infuence alchl ugs, yu ae much me likely t make p chices egaing pesnal puity. • Begin yu ates with paye. Tis pactice helps cus the will. Sme may n it awkwa, but it’s bette t eel awk wa than t eel sy. S, insist n a slw, sequential pgess thugh the stages intimacy. Dn’t ush it! aking things slwly can actually be much me enjyable. I’ve spent sme thity yeas as a pastal cunsel. In all thse yeas I’ve neve un anyne wh tuly egette making an 2
Laws o Dating keeping a cmmitment t sexual puity. I have un many wh have egette llwing the the cuse. Tat’s why this law makes sense. Knw hw a is t a bee yu ate. Law # :
I either party needs to rescue, x, or change or to be rescued, xed, or changed, break up! Te l saying is that n he weing ay the bie has nly thee things n he min: the aisle, the alta, an him—as h im—as in “I’ll alte him!” It is a mistake t think that yu can change smene. Dn’t ate the ptential yu see in a pesn, ate nly what yu actually see tay in that pesn. Dn’t ty t “x” yu ating patne. I yu patne nees t be xe i i yu want t x him he, yus is a elatinship in tuble. Rescuing being escue implies a c-epenent elatinship. Tis ten happens in cases aictins in cases whee ne paty has p sel-esteem. Sme ms mental illness mental imbalance may als esult in a pesn’s eeling a nee t be escue. But escuing is an unhealthy behavi, an neeing t be escue is als unhealthy. I’ve seen sme wmen hang n t a ating elatinship lng ate it shul have ene ea what wul happen t the byien. In act, sme men will even theaten suicie i thei gilien leaves. At the vey least he may say such things as “I n’t knw what wul happen t me i yu eve bke up with me” “I wuln’t want t live i yu eve bke up with me.” I this eve happens in yu ating elatinship, yu shul see e fags, hea waning siens, see ange signals, an hea alam bells ging ! Te pesn wh says such things is eithe unhealthy 30
Te Laws is attempting t manipulate yu int emaining in a elatinship yu may have utgwn. Yu may eel g when yu can escue the pesn yu’e ating. Maybe yu can get them ut thei ba m x thei pblems keep them m getting unk using ugs. While this may bing sme measue satisactin nw, think abut what it wul be like t be maie t that pesn. Tink spening evey ay the est yu lie escuing the pesn wh lives in the same huse with yu. Tink neve having space m that pesn. Tink all the emtinal, physical, mental, an spiitual enegy yu’ll have t expen t keep that pesn’s spiits up. Is that eally the way yu want t spen the est yu lie? In maiage, escuing becmes aining petty quickly. Ultimately, yu can’t tuly lve smene yu n’t espect. Can yu espect a pesn wh can’t eal with aily lie withut being escue at geat pesnal expense t yusel? Dn’t allw sentimentality t guie yu thinking. I yu think such a lie wul be acceptable, ask the spuse an aict, alchlic, an unteate suee bi-pla ise. Ask smene whse spuse has vey p sel-esteem i a lie cnstantly having t buy up his he spiits esn’t get a little l at times. I thse peple ae hnest, they’ll wan yu against making the same mistake. Since the ultimate pupse ating is t n a mate, yu wul well t chse nt t ate peple wh all int any these categies. I yu ae cuently in a ating elatinship with smene wh theatens suicie i yu en the elatinship, emembe this: Tat pesn is using suicie as a means manipulating yu, an yu shuln’t allw him he t get away with such behavi. While evey theat suicie shul be taken seiusly, such a theat shuln’t aect yu ecisin as t whethe nt t cntinue a ating elatinship. Mst theats suicie ae neve ca31
Laws o Dating ie ut, an many thse that ae caie ut ae caeully stage s the suicie victim will be iscvee bee it is t late. Mst suicie attempts ae cies help. Such a cy shul be answee, but nt by cntinuing a ating elatinship. Te answe shul be inteventin, pessinal cunseling, an at times, pehaps even meicatin hspitalizatin. Dating esn’t qualiy as a suicie-peventin meth. Even i an attempte suicie is successully caie ut ate a beak-up, it is a mistake t eel espnsible the suicie. Tat act may well be a symptm lng-tem, sevee epessin. Tee is n cumentatin suggesting that ating can pevent suicie that beaking up can cause suicie. N ne is that pweul. Rescuing, c-epenent lve is sick lve an will neve last. Yu can’t a t emain in a sick elatinship. En the elatinship, an then what yu can t encuage the pesn t seek pessinal help. Law # :
I either party tends to control, dominate, or isolate the other party rom riends or amily, break up! Cntlling behavi, especially when it islates an iniviual m amily an iens, is ten a pecus t abuse. Tis is angeus behavi an must nt be tleate. Te esie t cntl, minate, islate ten gws m vey p sel-esteem. Peple wh cntl s because they believe that this is the nly way they can keep the bject thei aectin. Tey believe that i they allwe thei belve eem chice, thei belve wul chse t leave—an they ae espeately eaul lsing the bject thei aectin. Tey believe 32
Te Laws that such a maj ejectin wul valiate thei wst ea—that they ae s inei an bken as t ene them unlvable. Tei ea bes n paania an can becme bec me vilent. Many cntlles believe that in e t keep thei belve, they must estict thei cntact with anyne wh might encuage them t leave. Teee, they think they must estict thei ating patne’s access t amily, iens, an anyne else wh might aw thei attentin away m them. I’ve seen cntlling husbans ec the mileage n the ca’s mete an check it against the knwn mileage t the ste, limit thei wie’s access t mney, an sceen the mail bee they allw he t see it. elephnes ae unplugge an emve m the huse, cell phnes ae bien, an Intenet sevice is iscnnecte. Dating patnes may nt have the ability t cntl things t that extent, but they still n ways t minate an islate the belve. Cntlling behavi ten pesents itsel in ieent ms, especially ealy in the ating elatinship. Cntlling patnes may exhibit a negative patten cmmunicatin that can be a waning sign the minatin that is t llw. Tey ten t inteupt equently, stating thei wn pinins with geat cetainty an ce. Tey ten t vepwe thei patne, nt allwing them t expess thei thughts, eelings, an pinins eely. It is as i thei patne’s p atne’s pinins n’t matte they aen’t smat enugh t have a vali iea. Tis patten may exhibit itsel in small mattes, such as which estauant t chse, in lage mattes cnvictin, values, aith. Tey may nt allw thei patne t cmplete a sty he she has begun but will inteupt them, cect thei “mistakes,” an nish telling the sty them. When lage issues ae at stake, isageement is almst neve allwe. I the patne states a ieent pinin, the cntlling paty will becme aamant, stating his he case in a lu, g33
Laws o Dating matic, an even angy vice. An they state the pinin with such cetainty that it implies that all the pinins ae inei just plain stupi. Tis negative cmmunicatin patten invaliates the patne as being inei intellect. It says that thei pinins just n’t matte. As estuctive as this m cmmunicatin may be, wse yet is the cntlling behavi t which it may be a pecus. As the elatinship becmes me intimate, the nee t cntl becmes me pnunce. Eventually, the cntlle paty may wish a etun t the “g l ays” when the cntlling behavi was meely vebal. Cntlling behavi is nt just sick—it is angeus! Te statistics thusans upn thusans battee wives nt lie. Tese wmen knw thei saety—an ten thei vey lie—is at isk. D nt emain in a elatinship this natue. Dn’t just walk—un! Get ut! Get help! Get away! Lve must be eely given an eely accepte. ue lve al ways caies with it the pssibility ejectin. I my belve esn’t have the ptin ejecting me, it isn’t lve. She may be a bt but she isn’t a lve, because tue lve is always a chice. Tse wh cntl, minate, an islate have n iea what tue lve is. Tey can’t give genuine lve, an they can’t eceive it. Genuine lve neve ces. It always allws ptins, an ne the ptins it allws is that the bject yu aectin cul leave yu eject yu. As neey as a cntlle may be, it is always a mistake t emain in the ating elatinship in an attempt t help. Te cntlle cetainly nees help, but that help must cme m a pessinal. Dn’t settle anything less than tue lve. Since thse wh cntl, minate, an islate aen’t capable giving it, n’t ate them. Pay them, encuage them t get help, but b ut nt ate them. 34
Te Laws Law # :
I you nd it difcult to talk or to be accurately understood or i you nd that the two o you avoid unpleasant issues in the relationship, break up! Cmmunicatin is an imptant key t any lasting elatinship. It is imptant that yu may smene with whm yu n cmmunicatin t be easy. Teee, yu shul ate nly peple with whm yu cmmunicate well. What makes cmmunicatin satisying? Fist, mutual unestaning shul be the nm, nt the exceptin. I mst the time yu ae misunest yu misunestan yu patne, yu cmmunicatin is neithe eective n satisying. Mutual unestaning pvies incease eelings lve, acceptance, an value. Wuln’t yu like t have these things in yu maiage? When cmmunicatin esults in ghts, emtinal utbusts, name-calling, pesnal attacks, it has a estuctive eect n the elatinship. Ws can wun heal. Te wuns may nt be visible, but they exist just the same. N amunt “I’m sy’s” can take them away, an the scas can last yeas. Satisying cmmunicatin is cmmunicatin that is ee ws that wun. Satisying cmmunicatin always assumes the best. When smething yu patne says cul be taken eithe psitively negatively, yu must chse t intepet the ws in the mst psitive way pssible. Negative intepetatins ae extemely estuctive. Peple wh cmmunicate well have iscvee meths ealing with unpleasant issues an elatinship pblems that esult in eslutins that ae mutually satisying. Tey n’t avi 3
Laws o Dating issues but eal with them in a timely manne. Tey n’t withaw m a iscussin simply because it’s becme uncmtable. An they n’t view each the as the suce the pblem but athe as teammates whse gal is t assist each the in ning satisying slutins t the pblems they encunte. Satisying cmmunicatin is gentle, aming, hnest, an pen. Tse wh n satisactin in thei cmmunicatin can talk eely an easily withut wying that thei ws will be taken me negatively than they wee intene. Reslutins t pblems ae un thugh pen, hnest cmmunicatin, cmpmise, an teamwk. Tese ae the things that make cmmunicatin satisying. Ds. Les an Leslie Patt suggest ve ules successul cmmunicatin.14 First, make “I” statements, not “you” statements. Tis helps yu speak yusel. It als makes yu ws sun less like an attack. Hee’s an example: “I eel isespecte when yu give me instuctins n hw t accmplish the mst simple tasks.” “Yu” statements sun accusaty. It is bette t avi accusatins an stick with hnest cmmunicatins yu wn thughts an eelings. Second, practice reective listening. Refective listening is the pactice estating in yu wn ws what yu patne has just sai. Mst peple ail t listen well. Instea listening while thei patne is speaking, they ten t be thinking what they’ll say when it’s thei tun , i thei patne’s statement makes them eel uncmtable, they ten t think a eense ebuttal. Refective listening helps us cus n u patne’s ws. It helps us unestan the ws an the emtins assciate with them. Tird, understand and accept the dierences between men and women. Men an wmen think ieently an even cmmunicate ieently. Linguistics expet Debah annen says that 3
Te Laws wmen ten t speak in what she calls “appt-talk,” while men speak in “ept-talk.”15 Tis means that wmen ae usually me cmtable shaing eelings, while men ae me likely t attempt t slve pblems. Successul cmmunicats lean t speak in a style that thei patne will unestan. Fourth, apologize when necessary. A heatelt aplgy can g a lng, lng way twa smthing tuble wates. Fith, communicate through appropriate touch. O cuse, apppiate tuch changes as the elatinship matues an gws in levels cmmitment. uch can be a pweul cmmunicat, especially when yu bseve apppiate bunaies.
How to handle confict Even when yu’e llwing the ules cmmunicating well, cnfict is likely t aise. Successul cuples knw hw t hanle cnfict. D. Susan Heitle es a simple, ve-step pcess: p cess: listen t yu eelings, escibe the ilemma, make a equest, listen t the espnse, an evise a slutin. 16 When a pblem aises, it is imptant t take the time t suvey yu wn eelings bee yu pesent them t yu y u patne. Unestaning the pblem yusel will enable yu t cmmunicate it t yu patne accuately. Next, escibe the specic pblem an then vebalize yu eeling abut it. Use the ve ules cmmunicatin we just examine, especially the ule abut making “I” statements athe than “yu” statements. Ate yu patne unestans the pblem an yu eelings abut it, yu shul make a specic equest. Ask a change behavi, ws, attitue. Say smething like “I wul pee . . . ,” “I wul like . . . ,” “I’ lve it i yu wul . . .” Once yu’ve state the equest, be quiet an wait a espnse. Make cetain that yu pactice efective listening as yu patne espns. 3
Laws o Dating Finally, evise a slutin tgethe. A eal slutin t a pblem is ne that wks bth yu. Once yu’ve agee upn a slutin, bth paties shul chse t give the slutin thei enthusiastic suppt. Mst pblems can be eslve using this simple sim ple technique a simila meth pblem eslutin. Eective cmmunicats knw hw t eslve cnfict ceatively. Reseach cnucte by Hwa Makman, Sctt Stanley, an Susan Blumbeg eveals that successul cmmunicats avi negative pattens cmmunicatin. 17 Relatinships that have ne me the u negative pattens these eseaches have ientie have a highe pbability ailue than elatinships that n’t have them. In act, emving ne the negative pattens cmmunicatin will me t ensue the success a elatinship than aing ve psitive items. Te u negative pattens that esty elatinships ae escalatin, invaliatin, negative intepetatin, an aviance an withawal. Escalatin ees t a patten in which aguments incease in intensity, vlume, an negativity—pehaps even blwing up small isageements until they puce maj wuns that theaten the elatinship. Invaliatin is an attack, whethe subtle vet, n the eelings, thughts, belies, values, chaacte a patne. Negative intepetatins ccu when ne paty intepets what the the paty says me negatively than was intene. An aviance an withawal is the patten that ccus when ne paty avis the cnntatins necessay t pblem-slving. make sue evey cmmunicatin has a psitive eect, yu must eplace negative pattens with psitive nes. I yu n it icult t talk t the pesn yu ae ating, unestan that maiage wn’t impve things. In act, it ten places new pessues n the elatinship an tens t ampliy the seveity the pblems that existe when yu wee ating. S, 3
Te Laws it’s imptant that yu eslve cmmunicatin issues while ating athe than hping that yu can wk them ut when yu’e maie. Law # :
I you’ve been the victim o molestation, incest, or rape, get help beore you date seriously. Statistics n the pevalence sexual abuse vay, but suce it t say that in the Unite States, amng wmen wh have eache twenty-ne yeas age, smewhee between ne uth an ne thi have expeience sme m mlestatin, incest, ape. 18 One stuy eclae that 16 pecent men ha als been the victims a sexual cime in chilh. 19 In 1991, Sensen an Snw epte a 322 pecent incease in cases chil sexual abuse m 1980 t 1990.20 A t this the numbe yung men wh ae expse t pngaphy at an ealy age, an yu have h ave a pictue chilh in Ameica that is quite alaming. Chilen in this cunty aen’t nealy as sae as we wul like t believe. It is sickening when thse wh ae least able t een themselves have expeience such unspeakable cimes! Victims sexual cimes sue me than just physical ham. Te mst evastating eects ae emtinal, mental, an elatinal. ust is icult t achieve, an genuine intimacy seems impssible. Guilt, shame, ea, ange, an even aictive behavi can minate the lie the victim abuse. Mst victims intenalize the guilt what happene t them, even blaming themselves the abuse athe than blaming the ene. Tey eel that smething must be wng with them. 3
Laws o Dating Te guilt elt by victims is seveal ieent vaieties. Victims will eel “sexual guilt,” which can cntinue int aulth an negatively aect sexual elatins in maiage. Sexual guilt is ene as guilt eive m sexual pleasue. Victims may als eel ieent m thei pees, hab vengeul an angy eelings twa bth paents, eel espnsible the abuse, eel guilty abut epting the abuse, an eel guilty abut being “islyal” t the amily an isupting it. Tese eelings guilt may pevent the victim m epting the abuse, leaving the abuse an ugly secet that has geat pwe ve the victim’s lie. Reseach eveals that victims wh keep the abuse a secet sue geate emtinal istess than thse wh ept it. Guilt ve chilh sexual abuse may inteee with the evelpment attitues twa sel, sexuality, an tusting elatinships uing the citical ealy yeas evelpment. I the chil victim esn’t eslve the tauma, sexuality may becme an aea ault cnfict. When unteate, victims sexual abuse ae pne t cime, suicie, ug use, an, paticulaly in the case unteate abuse bys, ae likely t becme sexual abuses themselves. Unteate emale victims chilh sexual abuse ae thee times me likely t evelp psychiatic ises abuse alchl an ugs in aulth than ae gils wh haven’t suee sexual abuse. It als appeas that unteate gils ae me likely t becme sexually active at an ealie age an t seek ut le byiens, wh might, in tun, intuce them t ugs. Eating ises an incients sel-ham cutting ae geatly incease in emale victims chilh sexual abuse. Mst sexual abuse cmes m the hans smene wh is clse t the victim, pehaps a clse elative. Te victim’s issues with tust an intimacy gw ut this betayal tust. Victims sexual cimes, especially when the abuse ccus in ealy lie, ten equie high levels attentin in a elatinship. 40
Te Laws Tey n it vey icult t eel acceptance. Tey ea ejectin an yet subcnsciusly expect that it will happen. I yu ae a victim abuse an any this suns amilia, yu we it t yusel t seek help. What happene t yu was nt yu ault. Yu eseve bette. What happene says nthing at all abut yu but speaks vlumes abut yu abuse. Yu n’t nee t live the est yu lie sueing these symptms. Dn’t spen the est yu lie in pain. Healing is available. Yu can have a eep an satisying elatinship, but yu must st n sme eslutin t the issues abuse. I uge yu t elay seius ating an maiage until yu have ealt eectively with the tauma yu abuse. Make cetain yu ae able t give an eceive lve withut esevatin. Yu we this t yusel! Law # 10:
Surrender your dating lie and your sexuality to Jesus. Chistians ae n saying, “Jesus is L.” In act, the apstle Paul tells us, “I yu cness with yu lips that Jesus is L, an believe in yu heat that G aise Him m the ea, yu will be save” (Rmans 10:9). Tis is a wneul tuth that stans at the heat Chistianity. Jesus is inee L. But hw can we say that Jesus is L i we haven’t accepte His Lship in evey aea lie? Sme peple act as thugh they want t “ptect” thei sexuality m Jesus’ cntl. Tey act as thugh they believe that i He’s is in cntl, they’ll lse smething value that sexuality will n lnge be un ullling. ullling. Tis is utte nnsense. Jesus invente the whle cncept sexuality. It was His iea an His ceatin. What makes us think we can impve n the manuactue’s plan this wneul inventin? We can’t! Ev41
Laws o Dating ey attempt t impve Jesus’ wneul git sexuality has al ways esulte in isaste. Sme Chistians have enigate an igne the by, seeing it as “eathly” an theee inheently sinul an even isgusting t G. Tey see sexual pleasue, even within the cnnes maiage, as being a sin the fesh as vey unspiitual activity. Nthing cul be uthe m the tuth. Sexuality is by natue a vey spiitual expeience. Stuents human behavi have ten bseve that thee exists a vey stng link between spiituality an sexuality. Tis link between spiituality an sexuality ten cmes as a supise t cuples wh becme intentinal abut shaing spiituality tgethe. When a ating cuple tells me that they inten t take thei elatinship t the next level spiitually by shaing wship an paye time, I give them a waning. While I encuage them t llw thugh n thei cmmitment t a eepe spiitual lie as a cuple, I wan them the link between spiituality an sexuality. Many cuples n that incease spiitual intimacy actually multiplies the esie a physical expessin thei lve ne anthe. I knw sme cuples wh vilate lng-hel pesnal stanas sexual puity ate they began t shae spiitually with each the. Nthing makes a man a wman me iesistible than the tansming pwe the Hly Spiit. Yu patne will be awn t yu as yu ae t yu patne when the spiitual cmpnents yu elatinship becme me intense.
Te best lovers One supising esult a eep spiitual lie is that eeply cmmitte Chistians make the best lves. I n’t say this ieveently; it’s a cumente act! Just abut evey secula stuy sexuality in Ameica cmes t the same cnclusin: Te peple wh ae having the mst equent an mst satisying sex in 42
Te Laws Ameica ae mile-age Chistian wmen in lng-tem maiages.21 Obviusly, thei husbans sce vey high in this categca tegy as well! Secula eseaches n this icult t unestan, but Chistians shuln’t be supise. Peple wh ae evte t Jesus becme me like Him with evey passing ay. One Jesus’ mst imptant chaacteistics is unselshness. Its ppsite, selshness, is the enemy g sex. Unselshness, n the the han, the esie t meet yu patne’s nees st, is a hallmak geat sex. Highly spiitual peple—thse wh unestan an pactice genuine spiituality—ae ten highly sexual peple. Neve uneestimate the stng link between spiituality an sexuality. Yu n’t nee t ptect yu spiituality m Jesus. Suene it t Him, an He will give yu the git geate an me satisying sexuality. Sueneing u sexuality t Jesus als means that we will accept an even ejice in u maleness u emaleness. Men an wmen ae vey ieent, an I say, “Tank yu, L!” Accept this act as a git m G. Embace yusel as the man the wman G ceate yu t be. S, suene yu ating lie t Jesus. Submit yu chice a ate t His appval. G n ates t places that He wul appve. Engage nly in thse physical expessins lve that He wul appve. Chse t make Jesus the L evey aea yu lie. Sme have agee t begin evey ate with a paye that invites Jesus t be the silent patne with them. them . Tey ept that this attitue amatically changes the atmsphee the ate. Tey eel less at isk t vilating pesnal values stanas. Heaing thei patne pay such a paye makes them eel sae an me elaxe n the ate. It nly makes sense t make Jesus the thi pesn n evey ate. I ating is the means by which we make such an imptant 43
Laws o Dating ecisin as the chice a lie patne, shuln’t Jesus be invlve with the entie pcess? Dn’t yu nee His wism in making such a lie-changing chice? I Jesus is L yu ating lie, yu’ll have ewe egets at the en each ay. When yu lk back n yu ating expeience, yu wn’t nee t cinge t hpe that cetain peple have gtten what happene. Guilt an shame will be eliminate. Yu memies ating will be pleasant. An i yu’ve chsen a lie patne, yu can est assue that yu mae the best chice pssible. Sueneing yu ating lie an yu sexuality t Jesus is the mst imptant thing yu can . It is me imptant than any the the laws. I Jesus is L L yu ating lie, yu will n n yusel beying thse the laws ating since Jesus leas us nly alng paths that take us t healthy h ealthy elatinships. Make Jesus the L yu ating lie tay! ___________________ 1. Dean R. Hge, et al., “Alescent Religius Scializatin: A Stuy Gal Piities Accing t Paents an Religius Eucats,” Review o Reli gious Research 23 (Mach 1982): 26–304; Dean R. Hge, Gegy H. Petill, an Ella I. Smith, “ansmissin Religius an Scial Values Fm Paents t eenage Chilen,” Journal Chilen,” Journal o Marriage and the Family , 44 (August 1982): 569–580. 2. William C. McCeay, “Faith Ou Fathes: A Stuy the Pcess Religius Scializatin” (Ph.D. iss., Univesity Illinis at Chicag Cicle, 1972). 3. Bueau Justice Special Rept: Intimate Patne Vilence, May 2000. 4. Bueau Justice Statistics, Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence and Age o Victim, 1993–1999 (Washingtn, 1993–1999 (Washingtn, D.C.: U.S. Gvenment Pinting Oce, 2001). 5. Stephen Genuis, “Te Dilemma Alescent Sexuality: ‘Pat 1: Te Onslaught Sexually ansmitte Diseases,’ ” Journal ” Journal o SOGC 15 SOGC 15 (June/July 1993), N. 5, 556. 44
Te Laws 6. Felicity Bainge, “Vial Sexual Diseases Ae Fun in One in Five in the U.S.,” New York imes , Apil 1, 1993, A1. 7. Babaa Ree, et al., “Facts Assciate with Human Papillma Papillma Vius Inectin in Wmen Encuntee in Cmmunity-Base Oces,” Archive o Family Medicine 290, Medicine 290, 2 (Decembe 1993): 1239. 8. Susan C. Welle, “A Meta-Analysis Cnm Eectiveness in Reucing Sexually ansmitte HIV,” Social Science and Medicine 35 (June 1993): N. 36, 1635–1644. 9. UMB News , Univesity exas Meical Banch at Galvestn, June 7, 1993, citing a pess elease elate t Welle, ennte 8. 10. “eens Delay Delay Sex,” USA oday , Mach 16, 2005. 11. Desmn Mis, Intimate Behavior (New Yk: Ranm Huse, 1971). 12. Ibi. 13. Lay L. Bumpass, James A Sweet, an Anew Chelin, “Te Rle Chabitatin in Declining Rates Maiage,” Journal o Marriage and the Family 53 Family 53 (1991): 913–927. 14. Les Patt III an Leslie Patt, Saving Your Marriage Beore It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Beore (and Ater) You Marry (Gan Rapis, Mich.: Znevan, 1995), 81–89. 15. Ibi. 16. Susan Heitle, Te Power o wo: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage (Oaklan, riage (Oaklan, Cali.: New Habinge Publicatins, 1997), 107–125. 17. Hwa J. Makman, Sctt M. Stanley, an Susan L. Blumbeg, Fighting or Your Marriage: Positive Steps or Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love (San Love (San Fancisc: Jssey Bass, 1994) 26–49. See this bk me etails n these u pattens an n meths ientiying an emving the negative pattens m yu elatinship. 18. Tese statistics wee given n the Wmen Substance Web site: www.womenofsubstance.org/sexabuse.htm.. www.womenofsubstance.org/sexabuse.htm 19. Ibi. 20. . Sensn an B. Snw, “Hw Chilen ell: Te Pcess Disclsue in Chil Sexual Abuse,” Child Welare (1991) Welare (1991) LXX: 3–15. 21. Rbet . Michael, Jhn H. Gagnn, Ewa O. Laumann, an Gina Klata, Sex in America: A Defnitive Survey (New Survey (New Yk: Wane Bks, 1994).
4
Beaking Up Is Ha t D I have a yung ien wh has little pblem ning smene t ate but has geat iculty in making a elatinship last me than thee mnths. Usually, by the thee-mnth mak, eithe eithe he his ating patne beaks the elatinship . I’ve jke with him that he shul wite this chapte an entitle it “Fity “Fi ty Ways t Leave Yu Lve”! He says he knws at least that many. uthully, hweve, thee is n easy way t beak up. What llws, thugh, is sme cunsel that can iminish the pain the expeience. Once yu’ve ecie that yu shul beak up, it is best t it ight away. Dn’t put it wait wai t sme magical time when it will be easy. Make the beak ight away. It is best, in mst cases, t beak up in a ace-t-ace cnvesatin. An exceptin t this might be i yu patne is pne t vilence has emnstate an ability t execise exteme mental emtinal cntl ve yu. Be iect an state ully that yu want t en the elatinship. Wish the the paty well an pehaps tell them yu will be paying thei utue happiness. I yu have items that belng t yu patne, etun them withut elay. Eliminate any ptential cause eithe yu t make cntact. While a time may cme when yu can esume a ienship, in mst cases that time lies in the me--less istant utue. Once yu’ve bken up, n’t initiate cntact with yu me patne. Ding s might sen a cnusing message. Dn’t 4
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do anything that might aise alse hpes in yu me patne that yu might be having secn thughts. Make cetain that evey message is unambiguus. While yu cae this pesn an wish the vey best thei lie, yu ae eslve that yu wn’t be an intimate pat his he lie. I the les ae evese an smene beaks up with yu, n’t beg a secn chance. Hn thei ecisin an elease them. Dn’t make any cntact unless it is abslutely necessay. Tis emnstates sel-espect. It als emnstates espect yu me patne an his he ecisin. In aitin, yu having given the the paty an immeiate elease when they bke up with yu makes ecnciliatin me likely i it’s eve t be a pssibility. Yu n’t have t be embaasse that yu’ve begge me time. Instea, yu’ve emnstate yusel t be a pesn stength an sel-cnience. his is by a me attactive. Hweve, let me shae a w cautin hee. I’ve neve seen a stng maiage maia ge esult m a ating elatinship that went thugh numeus beakups an ecnciliatins. Such a patten inicates a high level instability in the elatinship an shul seve as a e lag. Dn’t uneestimate the psychlgical an emtinal impact ening a ating elatinship even i the elatinship shul be ene an even i yu’e the ne initiating the beak up. Te eactins t a beak up can be simila t thse lsing a mate t eath ivce, thugh nt quite as intense. Te lss a elatinship can esult in saness, epessin, plnge peis cying, inability t cncentate, lss jy, lss hpe, listlessness, iitability, lss appetite an uncntllable uge t eat, sleep istubances, lss lgical thught, an a sense being istant m G—all this an me ve the beak up a ating elatinship! Yu may n yusel lnging a esumptin even a painul elatinship just t 4
Laws o Dating en the pain sepaatin. Hweve, I mly believe that as painul as this pcess is, it is still bette than attempting t en a maiage.
Recovering rom a break up When yu n yusel expeiencing gie because the lss a elatinship, unestan that healing will take time. Yu may nt be able t ush the ecvey time, but hee ae sme things yu can t acilitate a timely an healthy ecvey. Fist, teas ae theapeutic. Dn’t hl them back. Let them fw eely. Secn, n’t ty t put the thing ut yu min. It is bette t think thugh ully whateve thughts aise. Sme the thughts will be painul, an sme may be pleasant memies. Tink all these thughts ully when they cme. Hweve, test them by what yu knw t be tue abut the elatinship, an euse t believe things that aen’t tue. Allw me t illustate. I the pain the beakup causes yu t believe yu ae impssible t lve, yu must ientiy that thught as a lie. Believing that yu ae impssible t lve may cause yu t have eelings wthlessness, shame, guilt. It may cause yu t engage in unhealthy behavis, such as begging the pesn wh has just bken up with yu t take yu back. Sme peple wh believe this lie may engage in sel-ham the sel-estuctive behavis—anything m pmiscuity t exteme scial withawal. Yu can ientiy a belie as a lie by examining the esulting eelings an behavis. I they ae estuctive, then yu can knw that yu have believe a lie. Once yu’ve ientie a belie as a lie, yu it must eplace it with the tuth. Te tuth is almst always the exact ppsite the lie. In this case, yu must eplace the lie, “N ne cul eve lve me,” with the tuth, “I am smene wh can be lve an 4
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do wh is eseving lve.” Tis tuth esn’t igne the act that yu may have pesnal an chaacte issues that nee attentin. Instea, it acknwleges the act that even with all yu pblems, yu ae a pesn wh can be lve. S, again, the st step t ecveing m a beakup is t think the thughts ully, but we must lte thse thughts thugh the lte tuth. Anthe helpul step t take ate a beakup is t talk t smene yu can tust. Tis shul be smene wh wn’t juge yu eelings but will listen an e suppt. When yu’ve un such a pesn, yu’ll nee t tell the sties hw yu met, hw eelings lve gew, an hw things ell apat. ell all yu eelings, bth psitive an negative. alking is a psitive step in ecveing m a beakup. It may be necessay that yu talk t me than ne pesn. Yu cul easily wea ut a well-intentine ien. Speaing the telling ut amng seveal iens will help avi the pssibility yu making a clse ien ty t avi yu. Anthe thing that can help ate a beakup is witing. Keep a iay a junal. I have ne ien wh wites pety. Anthe ien, a psychlgist, wites lettes t Sigmun Feu! Whateve the m, witing helps ganize ne’s thughts an can be cathatic in natue. It may als help t wait a ew ays an then ea what yu’ve witten. Tis may give yu new insight n yu thughts an eelings. Eventually, it will be necessay t eclae yu time gieving ve. Release the the pesn m yu heat an min an begin t lk t the utue. Let yu thughts be a utue singleness. Make plans egaing what yu’ like t accmplish with yu lie. Deam big eams. But n’t make the eams epenent upn having smene in yu lie. Let that happen i it happens. Make the eams abut what G wants t accmplish thugh yu. 4
Laws o Dating Begin t think yusel as a single athe than a pat a cuple. Fm a new mental pictue yusel—a new pesnal ientity. Tis is key t yu beginning t mve wa instea lking back. Once yu new eam is in place, take actin t ulll it. Make a pesnal investment yu time, talents, enegy, ceativity, an pesnal ientity. Tis is the nal step in ecveing m a beakup. Beaking up is ha t , but it is by a easie t beak up an unhealthy ating elatinship than it is t enue an unhealthy maiage t g thugh a ivce. Dn’t be aai t ace the pain a beakup i that pain will spae yu the pain an unhappy maiage.
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ue Lve I the ultimate pupse ating is t n a mate, it wul llw that thse wh ae ating ae seaching tue lve. But what is lve, an hw yu knw when yu’ve un it? An nce yu think yu’ve un it, hw yu knw i the lve yu’ve un will last a lietime? When ating, many think nly ne aspect lve: romantic love . D. Lay A. Bugen has ientie the chaacteistics mantic lve as being intense passin, ecstatic lss jugment, bsessive cus n the belve, esie exclusivity, exc lusivity, sel-centee peccupatin with nesel, selective cus n psitive qualities, exaggeatin eal imagine qualities, secet ces, pivate meanings, an special language.1 While sme these chaacteistics make mantic lve sun like un, they aen’t enugh t buil a lietime n. An “ecstatic lss jugment” can’t be g lng-tem elatinships. expeience a “sel-centee peccupatin with nesel” means that yu ae cuse n yusel an yu eelings—yu jy, yu happiness, yu passin. While this is un, it is als selsh. In the lng un, such a peccupatin will esty the elatinship. Ntice that mantic lve has the uble-baele pblem a “selective cus n psitive qualities” an an “exaggeatin eal imagine qualities.” Chsing t cus exclusively n psitive qualities means that yu ae igning the negative qualities yu patne. his cul esult in a ue 1
Laws o Dating awakening when the newness the elatinship weas . “Exaggeatin eal imagine qualities” can leave yu eeling cheate when yu iscve eithe that yu patne esn’t pssess the psitive qualities qualities yu thught he she ha that that they pssess the quality in much small measue that yu thught. As yu can see, mantic lve esn’t m a stable unatin upn which t buil a elatinship. I a elatinship is t becme ullling an stan the test time, committed love must eplace mantic lve. Cmmitte lve acts vey ieently than es mantic lve. Cmmitte lve is less inwaly cuse; it has me an utwa cus. D. Bugen has ientie the llwing chaacteistics cmmitte lve: a mutual balance b alance met nees, the-iecteness, ealistic values an expectatins, tleance, yeaning t be knwn, eem t expess all emtins, sepaate ientities, an tanscenence tw sepaate selves int ne ientity. Yu can see that these chaacteistics ie geatly m thse mantic lve. Yu can buil a lasting, ullling elatinship n the chaacteistics cmmitte lve. Peple wh have cmmitte lve als have passin, but they n’t epen n it as the basis thei elatinship. Tey knw hw t enue the ups an wns a elatinship while etaining the enjyment it pvies. Te chaacteistics cmmitte lve ae a less selsh than thse mantic lve. Selshness estys elatinships, while selfessness buils elatinships. Cmmitte lve is a lve that will last.
Te three components o committed love D. Rbet Stenbeg has taken a eep lk at cmmitte lve as it is seen in maiage. He wites that maital lve cnsists thee cmpnents: passin, intimacy, an cmmitment. 2 2
rue Love Passion is the lnging esie that lves have each the. It is the stu sexual attactin an mance an sensuality. Passin is the mtivatinal sie lve. Oten it is stnge in the ealy stages a elatinship, stee by a apily gwing physical attactin. In Sciptue, the Sng Slmn is witten in celebatin the passinate sie lve. On the negative sie, passin can als be pssessive even bsessive. Passin can mve lves t an exteme level peccupatin with ne anthe. Eventually, lves can incpate passin int the bigge picp ictue lve. Maie cuples can incease levels passin in thei elatinship thugh meaningul tuch, mutually enjyable expeiences, an thugh aily, heat-elt cmpliments. Intimacy is the emtinal sie lve. Intimacy is simply knwing an being knwn. It is knwing a pesn well—knwing thei thughts, belies, values, likes, islikes, an histy. It means knwing eveything—g an ba—an still accepting the the pesn wh he she is. Intimacy pvies that “sul mate” quality that s many seek in a elatinship. I lve is t be ullling, thee must be an pen shaing evey aspect lie. Openness, cmmunicatin, hnesty, shaing, an suppt ae all necessay intimacy t ccu. Peple can incease levels intimacy thugh spening time tgethe, leaning t listen t the ws an emtins that thei patne cmmunicates, pacticing uncnitinal acceptance, cusing n cmmnalities, an expling spiituality tgethe. Commitment is a gge eteminatin t make a elatinship wk. It is the ck-sli pmise t be thee the the pesn, uniting ne’s lie with the thes egaless cicumstances. Cmmitment is the cgnitive an willul sie lve. It is the pmise t be thee “until eath us pat.” It pvies cetainty in a wl uncetainty. It eclaes, “I lve yu because wh yu ae, nt because what yu hw I eel.” 3
Laws o Dating Peple can cultivate cmmitment in a elatinship thugh acknwleging just hw valuable this quality eally is, thugh meeting thei patne’s nees, acknwleging thei patne’s cmmitment an sacices, an by making cmmitment a pat thei ientity. Evey elatinship will have its ebbs an fws. Hweve, any lve elatinship t be stng, it must have a balance passin, intimacy, an cmmitment. Having nly tw thse elements is smething less than healthy. Tse wh have passin an cmmitment with n intimacy have lish lve. Cmmitment an intimacy withut passin is cmpaninship lve. Passin an intimacy withut cmmitment is mantic lve. Only thse wh have passin, intimacy, an cmmitment have tue lve—the lve it takes t make a maiage last. Tse wh wish t buil a geat lve shul aim t gw each these thee elements. Te me passin, intimacy, an cmmitment yu have in yu elatinship, the bette.
___________________ 1. Lay A. Bugen, Love and Renewal: A Couple’s Guide to Commitment (Oaklan, Commitment (Oaklan, Cali.: New Habinge Publicatins Inc., 1990). 2. Rbet Stenbeg, “A iangula Tey Lve,” Psychological Review 93 (1986): 119–135. 4
Fining ue Lve Hw yu n the kin tue lve, cmmitte lve the pevius chapte escibes? Hw yu n the pesn yu can lve this way? Hee’s the best answe I can e: In e t fnd the ight ne, yu must st be the ight ne. I yu ae lking a mate, stp lking! Stp lking an ask yusel this questin: “I I knew tay that I wul spen the est my lie single, cul I be happy?” I the answe t that questin is N, then yusel an any ptential mate a av an n’t get maie. Dn’t may until yu can hnestly answe that questin with a esuning Yes! I yu cul nt live as a single pesn the est yu lie an be happy ing it, yu ae subcnsciusly expecting that maiage will smehw make yu cmplete—make yu whle. Yu ae expecting that maiage will bing yu happiness. Fgive me busting yu bubble, but that is utte nnsense! I yu ae unhappy as a single, chances ae excellent that yu will be unhappy maie. Maiage wasn’t esigne t make unhappy peple happy. Maiage was intene as a means tw happy peple t jin thei lives in the happy pusuit a geate g. Te mst imptant chaacteistic a maiageable pesn is the habit happiness. Lean t be happy tay—ight nw, while yu ae single. Ten an nly then will yu be a suitable patne maiage. Dn’t take this cunsel lightly—this may be the single
Laws o Dating mst imptant thing I shae with yu. Te mst imptant chaacteistic a maiageable pesn is the habit happiness! S, hw we that? Hw we n happiness? Allw me t iect yu t sme biblical texts: • “Happy ae the peple whse G is the Lord!” (Psalm 144:15). • “Happy is he wh has the G Jacb his help, Whse hpe is in the Lord his G” (Psalm 146:5). D yu want t be happy? Stat with a elatinship with G. Te best thing yu can tay t begin yu juney t happiness an theee t be eay t be maie is t cmmit yu lie t Jesus. Cness yu sins t Him, an allw Him t change an eaange yu lie. Statistics eveal that cmmitte Chistians ept geate levels happiness an cntentment an ae me likely t have a happy maiage. I yu want t becme a happy pesn, cmmit yu lie t Jesus. An nce yu have accepte Jesus as yu Savi, it is necessay t make Him yu L. Tat means that yu will becme beient t Him. Slmn wte, “Whee thee is n evelatin, the peple cast estaint; / But happy is he wh keeps the law” (Pvebs 29:18). Yu see, happiness is un nt nly in knwing G an expeiencing giveness sins but als in beying G. I yu wul be a happy pesn, yu must st knw an bey G. I yu want t fnd the ight mate, yu must st be the ight mate. Yu becme the ight mate by leaning t be happy while single. Happiness cmes m knwing G, lving G, an beying G. It is equal imptance that the pesn yu may shaes yu cmmitment t G. I it is imptant that yu knw an bey G in e yu t be the ight mate, n’t yu think
Finding rue Love it might be equally imptant the pesn yu’e ging t may t als knw an bey G?
Practice positive thinking I yu want t be the ight mate, yu shul pactice psitive thinking. Mst negative peple eel they cul be psitive i they live in a bette place maie a ieent pesn. But happiness esn’t hinge n bette cicumstances. By ce habit, each us is eithe basically psitive basically negative. Ou cicumstances change with the weathe, but u attitues stay the same. A pesn with ba attitues will still be a pesn with ba attitues, wheeve an with whmeve he she lives. Jesus sai, “ ‘Tese things I have spken t yu, that My jy may emain in yu, an that yu jy may be ull’ ” (Jhn 15:11). G wants yu t be psitive. Pactice the jy G in yu heat, an euse t may anyne wh isn’t a psitive, happy pesn. Duing Wl Wa II, Vict Fankl, a twenty-six-yea-l Jewish psychiatist, was aeste an taken t a Geman cncentatin camp. Mnth in an mnth ut, he wke une geat chimneys that belche ut black smke m the incineats whee his athe, mthe, siste, an wie ha been cemate. Each ay he hpe a ew slives cats peas in the aily bwl sup. In cl weathe, he gt up an hu ealy t wap his eet an legs in scap bulap an wie t shiel them against the cippling cl an East Eupean winte. When Fankl was nally calle inquisitin, he st nake in the cente a pweul white light, while men in shiny bts ste t an in the akene shaws beyn the light. F u hus they assaile him with questins an accusatins, tying t beak him wn with evey lie they cul think . Aleay they ha taken his wie, his amily, his witing, his clthes, his weing ing, an eveything else value. But in the mist
Laws o Dating this baage questins, an iea fashe acss Fankl’s min: “Tey have taken m me eveything I have—except the pwe t chse my wn attitue.” Yu have that same pwe t. Chse t pactice psitive thinking. It is imptant t think psitively abut yu mate. Instea cusing n his he ailues, cus n what is g in them. Yu will n this impssible t i yu haven’t establishe the habit psitive thinking. In aitin, it is als imptant t think psitively yusel. Peple wh ae citical themselves n’t make g maiage patnes. G wants yu t keep psitive thughts abut yusel. Rmans 8:1 tells us that thse wh ae in Chist Jesus expeience n cnemnatin. Tat esn’t mean just that G wn’t cnemn yu. It als means that yu shuln’t cnemn yusel. Develp a psitive sel-image. Develp a psitive attitue abut lie. I yu want t be the ight mate, yu will pactice psitive thinking.
Learn to adjust What makes happy cuples happy? D. Allen Paucci, a pminent UCLA eseache, aske this questin. 1 He un that mney, success, health, beauty, intelligence, an pwe have little t with a cuple’s happiness. Instea, his eseach eveale that the level a cuple’s jy is etemine by each patne’s ability t ajust t things beyn his he cntl. Evey happy cuple has leane t n the ight attitue in spite the cnitins they n themselves in. Can yu imagine a mment hw the Chistmas sty might have been witten i May an Jseph han’t ha the capacity t ajust t things beyn thei cntl? c ntl? begin with, Jseph ha t ajust t the act that May, his ancée, was pegnant. He cul have ha he stne sent t sme istant city. Instea, he chse t make the ajustments the angel suggeste uing his
Finding rue Love eam. He accepte May’s sty being a pegnant vigin. Tis cuple inteupte thei lives t g t Bethlehem t pay taxes. May, nine mnths pegnant, e n the back a nkey. Mst wmen n it icult t ie in a Buick when nine mnths pegnant, much less n the back a nkey! At night, they slept n the gun by the a. When they gt t Bethlehem, the mtels wee ull. May M ay was wn ut, emtinally aine, an at the en he pe. When Jseph tl he they wul be sleeping in a ban, she must have almst lst cntl. But that night, the Sn G was bn. May an Jseph ace a icult st yea maiage. Ate the bith a baby Jseph han’t athee, they ha t mve t Egypt, set up husekeeping, an lean hw t live with each the seven ays a week. I May an Jseph han’t been able t emain fexible an ajust t things beyn thei cntl, the Chistmas sty might have been vey ieent. When I was yung, I planne ut my entie lie. I knew exactly what I wul be ing at age twenty-ne, thity, thity-ve, ty, ty, sixty-ve, an seventy. Hweve, I have been 100 pecent wng at evey age! Lie hasn’t gne accing t my plans. I’ve ace me twists an tuns than I eve eame pssible. An when chilen wee bn int u happy unin, the unexpecte became cmmnplace. A happy maiage epens n yu ability t emain fexible an make ajustments. Expect the unexpecte, an lean t a just t lie’s supises. I yu wul be the ight mate, yu will lean t ajust t things beyn yu cntl.
Only one shot Hw yu n the ight mate? Yu n the ight mate by being the ight mate. Pactice the habit happiness—a habit leane by knwing an beying G. Pactice psitive thinking. Lean t ajust t things beyn yu cntl.
Laws o Dating Yu may get nly ne sht at having a happy maiage. Dn’t blw it by tying t things yu way instea ing them G’s way. D. James Dbsn shaes sme uthe insights t ning the ight mate.2 Dbsn suggests: • Dn’t may the pesn yu think yu can live with. May the ne yu can’t live withut. • Dn’t may smene wh has chaacteistics that yu eel ae intleable. In the ws, n’t bank n changing that pesn. • Dn’t may impulsively. • I yu ae a eeply cmmitte Chistian, n’t allw yusel t becme “unequally yke” with an unbelieve. • Dn’t mve in with a pesn bee maiage. • Dn’t get maie t yung. • Te stability maiage is a by-puct an in-wille eteminatin t make it wk. Ntice that all Dbsn’s suggestins eal with things that ae within yu ability t cntl. He esn’t suggest that yu epen upn ate luck t n tue lve. Instea, he pints t things yu can t incease yu chances making a g chice. Fining the ight mate cmes back t the cental pint this chapte. n the ight mate, yu must st be the ight mate. Make cetain that yu ae the kin pesn yu wul want yu sn aughte t may. Tat’s the best way t n tue lve. ___________________ 1. Allen Paucci, “Value Jugments: wa a Relatinal Tey Happiness,” in J. Richa Eise, e., Attitudinal e., Attitudinal Judgment (New Judgment (New Yk: Spinge-Velag, 1984). 2. James 2. James Dbsn, Lie on the Edge: A Young Adult’s Guide to a Meaningul Future (Dallas: W Publishing, 1995), 102–104. 0
Binging It All gethe I have witten at length in this bklet abut beaking up unhealthy elatinships. elatinships. Hweve, yu shul emembe that the ultimate pupse ating is t ceate a healthy elatinship an t in a sul mate. Yu ae much me likely t ulill the ultimate pupses ating when yu keep the laws ating. Vilating the laws almst ensues that yu will m unhealthy elatinships an wn’t be able t in a sul mate. When tw peple keep the laws ating, they can iscve that they have much me in cmmn than they eve eame pssible. Tey’ll have eliminate the hassles mst elatinships stuggle with an thus ee themselves t evte much me enegy t ceating intimacy. Tey will iscve a elatinship that is un an easy t maintain. Bth paties will pssess all the abslute nn-negtiables thei patne esies. Neithe will be hampee by aictins; neithe will eel the nee t escue “x” the the; neithe will attempt t cntl, minate, islate the the; an neithe will be abusive. Bth will have the eem m guilt that cmes m establishing an maintaining bunaies physical maniestatins lve in thei elatinship. Cmmunicatin will be easy an accuate, with bth paties being ee t expess thei hpes, eams, values an eelings withut ea ejectin jugment. Tse wh keep the laws ating lean that they pssess a shae visin the utue. Tei hpes an eams ae simila. 1
Laws o Dating Tey n it easy t give themselves in elatinship as they wk t accmplish thei gals tgethe. I have encuage cuntless yung peple t ate accing t these pinciples. It has been my jy t watch the pinciples wk. As a past, I have cnucte many weings cuples whm I knew ha llwe these imptant pinciples an wee nw enjying the benets thei ha wk. While these laws e n guaantee happiness, they e the best chance success in ating. In aitin t the laws, I wul e a ew suggestins making yu ating expeience psitive. Yu’ll n simila suggestins in James Dbsn’s bk Lie on the Edge . Hee, I will summaize sme Dbsn’s suggestins an a a ew my wn. Lk smene with whm yu have much in cmmn. Te me yu have in cmmn, the easie it will be t buil a elatinship. Simila levels eucatin, simila sci-ecnmic levels, a shae aith, shae gals, an simila amilies igin can be g stating places. ake it slw. Dn’t let the elatinship begin t quickly. Relatinships gwn t quickly ten t zzle just as quickly. Yu’ll have a bette chance success i yu begin slwly. Allw the elatinship t evelp at its wn pace as tust gws an yu buil a shae histy.
Feel good about yoursel It is always a mistake t cness t many pesnal laws t ealy in the elatinship. his can be misintepet misintepete e as the esult lw sel-esteem. healthy peple, lw sel-esteem is a eal tun . Demnstate instea genuine sel-espect. Feeling g abut yusel emins yu that yu bing a geat eal t the table in any quality elatinship. A healthy selespect wn’t allw yu t be a mat in a elatinship. 2
Bringing It All ogether While it is imptant t be a sevant, it isn’t necessay t be taken gante. I the elatinship has avance t the pint whee yu ae ating each the exclusively, watch signs unaithulness. ue sel-espect expects that cmmitments will be mutually hnh ne. In aitin, it is abslutely necessay that yu espect yu patne. Respect is a necessay peequisite lve. Lean t emnstate that espect by hning yu patne’s values an bunaies withut agument, keeping yu pmises, listening intently t what yu patne says, an by eusing t ush the steps t intimacy. Yu als emnstate espect yu patne by eciing that yu wn’t call t ten n the phne—yu wn’t smthe yu patne with t much attentin. Bth paties shul speak espectully t each the. An when yu’e apat, it is isespectul t speak negatively yu patne. Respect yusel an yu patne allws yu t hl the elatinship lsely. A man shws espect by hling s a wman. While sme may view this a as a bit l ashine, I n that wmen still appeciate a man wh espects them enugh t emnstate that espect in time-hne custms. Dn’t panic i the elatinship is teste. Patnes ten test each the, especially i they eel this elatinship cul be taken t the next level. When this happens, n’t veeact. Relax an emembe t hl the elatinship lsely. Dn’t cling t the the pesn—ing s makes yu lk espeate an lish. It places yu in a psitin pwelessness. Tis is always a mistake. It is als makes yu appea quite unattactive. Neve expess yu esie t get maie t ealy in the elatinship. Te nly time t this is when yu can’t think any the way t beak up, since it is entiely pssible that yu suggesting maiage will accmplish just that! 3
Laws o Dating As the elatinship gws, make cetain yu e-evaluate it. Ask yusel again whethe this pesn yu’e ating pssesses all yu nn-negtiables. Ae yu cetain the tw yu agee n imptant issues such as chuch attenance, hw t hanle mney, hw t elate t in-laws, wh will wk, whee yu will live, an whethe nt thee will be chilen an i s, hw many. Ultimately, thee must be a eeling cmt abut the elatinship. Yu must eel cmtable tgethe. Shae values, gals, an a shae aith will cntibute t that eeling cmt. While the ultimate bjective ating is t iscve a lie mate, it is a mistake t cus t intently n that en gal. Tse wh appea t be bsesse with evaluating eveyne with whm they g n a ate as a ptential maiage patne will ighten away many g caniates. Relax an have sme un. Tat is a legitimate gal ating, yu knw. Enjying the mment will help yu appea less espeate, an that is much me appealing. Finally, tust yu ating lie t G. He can see the big pictue, an He can help yu n genuine success an enjyment in ating. G wants what is best yu. Ask Him t take chage yu elatinships, yu scial lie, yu sexuality, an yu utue. Obseve psitive pinciples elatinship an ating an then leave the est up t G. As in all the aeas lie, He will see yu thugh.
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