joke book 40-of-the-most-hilarious-jokes-ever

40 of the Most Hilarious Dirty Jokes: Vol. 3 By Jason Wallace

Smashwors !ition

""""""

#u$lishe $y: Jason Wallace on Smashwors

40 of the Most Hilarious Dirty Jokes: Vol. 3 %o&yri'ht ( )0*3 $y Jason Wallace

*. + man an his wife 'o to their honeymoon hotel for their ),th anni-ersary. +s the cou&le reflecte on that ma'ical e-enin' ), years a'o the wife aske the hus$an /When you first saw my nake $oy in front of you what was 'oin' throu'h your min/

1he hus$an re&lie /+ll 2 wante to o was to fuck your $rains out an suck your tits ry./

1hen as the wife unresse she aske /What are you thinkin' now/

He re&lie /2t looks as if 2 i a &retty 'oo o$./ ). + 'uy walks into a $ar an $ehin the $ar is is a si'n that says /Han Jo$  5*0 5*0 %heese Sanwich  5)./ 1he 'uy says to the $artener /!6cuse me Miss $ut are you the lay that 'i-es the hano$s/

She says /7es 2 am./ 1he 'uy then says /Well then wash your hans an fi6 me a cheese sanwich./

3. +s an air&lane is a$out to crash a female &assen'er um&s u& frantically an announces /2f 28m 'oin' to ie 2 want to ie feelin' like a woman./

She remo-es all her clothin' an asks /2s there someone on this &lane who is man enou'h to make me feel like a woman/

+ man stans u& remo-es his shirt an says /Here iron this9/.

4. + man is sittin' ne6t to a woman on a &lane an the woman constantly sneees e-okin' the man8s curiosity. He asks if she8s alri'ht to which she re&lies that she has a rare meical conition that makes her ha-e an or'asm e-ery time she sneees. 1he man asks her /What o you take for that/ /#e&&er./

,. 1he newlywes are in their honeymoon room an the 'room ecies to let the $rie know where she stans ri'ht from the start of the marria'e.

He &rocees to take off his trousers an throw them at her. He says /#ut those on./

1he $rie re&lies /2 can8t wear your trousers./

He re&lies /+n on8t for'et that9 2 will always wear the &ants in the family9/

1he $rie takes off her knickers an throws them at him with the same re;uest /1ry those on9/

He re&lies/2 can8t 'et into your knickers9/

/+n you ne-er $looy will if you on8t chan'e your attitue./

<. + cou&le is on their honeymoon an the man warns his new wife that he has a $a$y &enis. 1he wife consoles her hus$an an tells him that she lo-es him an that the sie of his &enis oesn8t matter. +fter they 'et to their honeymoon suite the man takes off his clothes an is&lays the $i''est &enis the woman has e-er ima'ine so $i' that it terrifies her. She says /2 thou'ht you sai you ha a $a$y &enis./ /7es/ re&lies her hus$an. /= &ouns *4 ounces./

>. 1here was an elerly man who wante to make his youn'er wife &re'nant. So he went to the octor to ha-e a s&erm count one. 1he octor tol him to take a s&ecimen cu& home fill it an $rin' it $ack the ne6t ay. 1he elerly man came $ack the ne6t ay an the s&ecimen cu& was em&ty an the li was on it. Doctor: What was the &ro$lem !lerly man: Well you 2 trie with my ri'ht han...nothin'. So 2 trie with my left han...nothin'. My wife trie with her ri'ht han...nothin'. Her left han...nothin'. Her mouth...nothin'. 1hen my wife8s frien trie. ?i'ht han left han mouth....still nothin'. Doctor: Wait a minute. 7ou mean your wife8s frien too9 !lerly man: 7eah an we still couln8t 'et the li off of the s&ecimen cu&.

=. + 'uy walks into a s&erm $ank wearin' a ski mask an holin' a 'un. He 'oes u& to the nurse an emans her to o&en the $ank -ault. She says /But Sir it8s ust a s&erm $ank9/  /2 on8t care o&en it now999/ he re&lies. So she o&ens the oor to the -ault an insie are all the s&erm sam&les. 1he 'uy says /1ake one of those s&erm sam&les an rink it9/ She looks at him /B@1 they are s&erm sam&les/  /DA 219/. So the nurse sucks it $ack. /1hat one there rink that one as well./ so the nurse rinks that one as well. inally after 4 sam&les the man takes off his ski mask an says /See honey  it8s not that har./

C. 1here are four kins of se6 :

HA@S! S!  When you are newly marrie an ha-e se6 all o-er the house in e-ery room.

B!D?AAM S!  +fter you ha-e $een marrie for a while you only ha-e se6 in the $eroom.

H+EE S!  +fter you8-e $een marrie for many many years you ust &ass each other in the hall an say /@%F 7A@/

%A@?1?AAM S!  When your wife an her lawyer fuck you in the i-orce court in front of many &eo&le for e-ery &enny you8-e 'ot.

*0. 1his $eautiful woman one ay walks into a octors office an the octor is $owle o-er $y how stunnin'ly awesome she is. +ll his &rofessionallism 'oes ri'ht out the winow...

He tells her to take her &ants she oes an he starts ru$$in' her thi'hs.

/Do you know what 2 am oin'/ asks the octor

/7es checkin' for a$normalities./ she re&lies.

He tells her to take off her shirt an $ra she takes them off. 1he octor $e'ins ru$$in' her $reasts an asks /Do you know what 2 am oin' now/ she re&lies /7es checkin' for cancer./

inally he tells her to take off her &anties lays her on the ta$le 'ets on to& of her an starts ha-in' se6 with her. He says to her /Do you know what 2 am oin' now/

She re&lies /7es 'ettin' her&es  that8s why 2 am here9/ **. 1his cou&le were in $e 'ettin' $usy when the 'irl &laces the 'uys han onto her &ussy. /#ut your fin'er in me.../ she asks him. So he oes without hesitation as she starts moanin'. /#ut two fin'ers in.../ she says. So in 'oes another one. She8s really startin' to 'et worke u& when she says /#ut your whole han in9/. 1he 'uy8s like /Ak9/. So he has his entire han in when she says moanin' alou /#ut $oth your hans insie of me999/. So the 'uy &uts $oth of

his hans in9 /Gow cla& your hans.../ commans the 'irl. /2 can8t/ says the 'uy. 1he 'irl looks at him an says /See 2 tol you 2 ha a ti'ht &ussy9/

*). + o' a cat an a &enis are sittin' aroun a cam& fire one ni'ht. 1he o' says /My life sucks my master makes me o my $usiness on a fire hyrent9/. 1he cat says /2 on8t think so my master makes me o my $usiness in a $o6 of cat litter./ 1he &enis outra'e says /+t least your master oesn8t &ut a $a' o-er your hea an make you o &ushu&s until you throw u&9/

*3. + man an a woman starte to ha-e se6 in the mile of a ark forest. +fter a$out *, minutes of it the man finally 'ets u& an says /Damn 2 wish 2 ha a flashli'ht9/. 1he woman says /Me too you8-e $een eatin' 'rass for the &ast ten minutes9/

*4. + cou&le ust 'ot marrie an on the ni'ht of their honeymoon $efore &assionate lo-e the wife tells the hus$an /#lease $e 'entile 28m still a -ir'in./ 1he hus$an $ein' shocke re&lie /How8s this &ossi$le 7ou8-e $een marrie three times $efore./ 1he wife res&ons /Well my first hus$an was a 'ynecolo'ist an all he wante to o was look at it. My secon hus$an was a &sychiatrist an all he wante to o was talk a$out it. inally my thir hus$an was a stam& collector an all he wante to o was...oh o 2 miss him9/

*,. An their first ni'ht to'ether a newlywe cou&le 'o to chan'e. 1he new $rie comes out of the $athroom showere an wearin' a $eautiful ro$e. 1he &rou hus$an says /My ear we are marrie now you can o&en your ro$e./ 1he $eautiful youn' woman o&ens her ro$e an he is astonishe./Ah oh aaaahhh/ he e6claims /My o you are so $eautiful let me take your &icture. #ule she asks /My &icture/ He answers /7es my ear so 2 can carry your $eauty ne6t to my heart fore-er/. She smiles an he takes her &icture an then he heas into the $athroom to shower. He comes out wearin' his ro$e an the new wife asks /Why o you wear a ro$e We are marrie now./ +t that the man o&ens his ro$e an she e6claims /oh AH AH M7 let me 'et a &icture/. He $eams an asks why an she answers /So 2 can 'et it enlar'e9/

*<. 1hree 'uys 'o to a ski lo'e an there aren8t enou'h rooms so they ha-e to share a $e. 2n the mile of the ni'ht the 'uy on the ri'ht wakes u& an says /2 ha this wil -i-i ream of 'ettin' a han o$9/ 1he 'uy on the left wakes u& an un$elie-a$ly he8s ha the same ream too. 1hen the 'uy in the mile wakes u& an says /1hat8s funny 2 reame 2 was skiin'9/

*>. Ane ay a wife tells her hus$an that their mailman is retirin' after many years of ser-ice an that all of the nei'h$ors ha-e $een 'i-in' him 'ifts  cash checks 'ift cars etc. an that they shoul o somethin' nice for him too. 1he hus$an says /uck him. i-e him a ollar./ When the mailman comes to the oor ho&in' to 'et some sort of &artin' 'ift the wife answers the oor wearin' a$solutely nothin' takes the mailman $y the han an leas him u&stairs where she 'i-es him the $lowo$ of his life an then fucks his $rains out. +fterwar she takes him to the kitchen fi6es him a lar'e $reakfast an after refillin' his coffee sli&s a 5* $ill uner his cu&. 1he mailman says that it8s the $est 'ift he coul8-e 'otten $ut that he8s ;uite curious why the se6 the $reakfast an a 5* $ill. 1he wife tells the mailman /Well when 2 tol my hus$an a$out your retirin' he sai 8uck him. i-e him a ollar.8 Breakfast was my iea./

*=. Ane ay Mr. Smith the &resient of a lar'e cor&oration calle his -ice&resient Da-e into his office an sai /We8re makin' some cut$acks so either Jack or Bar$ara will ha-e to $e lai off./ Da-e looke at Mr. Smith an sai /Bar$ara is my $est worker $ut Jack has a wife an three kis. 2 on8t know whom to fire./

1he ne6t mornin' Da-e waite for his em&loyees to arri-e. Bar$ara was the first to come in so Da-e sai /Bar$ara 28-e 'ot a &ro$lem. 7ou see 28-e 'ot to lay you or Jack off an 2 on8t know what to o/ Bar$ara re&lie /7ou8 $etter ack off. 28-e 'ot a heaache./

*C. + construction worker on the ,th floor of a $uilin' nees a hansaw. So he s&ots another worker on the 'roun floor an yells own to him $ut he can8t hear him. So the worker on the ,th floor tries si'n lan'ua'e.

He &ointe to his eye meanin' /2/ &ointe to his knee meanin' /nee/ then mo-e his han $ack an forth in a han saw motion. 1he man on the 'roun floor nos his hea &ulls own his &ants whi&s out his cho& an starts mastur$atin'.

1he worker on ,th floor 'ets so &isse off he runs own to the 'roun floor an says /What the fuck is your &ro$lem999 2 sai 2 neee a han saw9/.

1he other 'uy says /2 knew that9 2 was ust tryin' to tell you  28m comin'9/

)0. + housewife all alone hears the oor$ell an o&ens it to fin a man stanin' there who asks /Hi is 1ony home/ 1he wife re&lies /Go he went to the store $ut you can wait here if you want./ So they sit own an after a while of silence the frien says /7ou know Sara you ha-e the 'reatest $reasts 2 ha-e e-er seen. 28 'i-e you a hunre $uck ust to see one./ 1he woman thinks a$out it for a secon an fi'ures what the hell  a hunre $ucks9 She o&ens her ro$e an shows one to him for a few secons. He &rom&tly thanks her an throws a hunre $ucks on the ta$le. 1hey sit there a while lon'er an 'uy then says /1hat was so amain' 28-e 'ot to see $oth of them. 28ll 'i-e you another *00 ollars if 2 coul ust see the $oth of them to'ether./ 1he woman amae $y the offer sits an thinks a $it a$out it an thinks heck why not So she o&ens her ro$e an 'i-es %hris a nice lon' chance to co& a look. + while later 1ony arri-es $ack home from the store. 1he wife 'oes u& to him /7ou know your frien %hris came o-er./ 1ony thinks a$out it for a secon an says /Well i he ro& off the )00 $ucks he owes me/

)*. + kiner'arten teacher one ay is tryin' to e6&lain to her class the efinition of the wor /efinitely/ to them. 1o make sure the stuents ha-e a 'oo unerstanin' of the wor she asks them to use it in a sentence. 1he first stuent raise his han an sai /1he sky is efinitely $lue/. 1he teacher sai /Well that isn8t entirely correct $ecause sometimes it8s 'ray an clouy/. +nother stuent says /rass is efinitely 'reen./ 1he teacher a'ain re&lies /2f 'rass oesn8t 'et enou'h water it turns $rown so that isn8t really correct either./ +nother stuent raises his han an asks the teacher /Do farts ha-e lum&s/ 1he teacher looke at him an sai /Go...But that isn8t really a ;uestion you want to ask in class iscussion./ So the stuent re&lies /1hen 2 efinitely shit my &ants./ )). Wife : /2 reamt they were auctionin' off icks. 1he $i' ones went for ten ollars an the thick ones went for twenty ollars./ Hus$an : /How a$out the ones like mine/ Wife : /1hose they 'a-e away./

Hus$an : /2 ha a ream too...2 reamt they were auctionin' off cunts. 1he &retty ones went for a thousan ollars an the little ti'ht ones went for two thousan./ Wife : /+n how much for the ones like mine/ Hus$an : /1hat8s where they hel the auction./

)3. 1he ;ueen of !n'lan was -isitin' one of %anaa8s to& hos&itals an urin' her tour of the floors she &asse a room where a male &atient was mastur$atin'. /Ah my 'o9/ sai the Iueen /1hat8s is'raceful what is the meanin' of this/ 1he octor leain' the tour e6&lains /28m sorry your layshi& this man has a -ery serious conition where the testicles ra&ily fill with semen. 2f he oesn8t o that fi-e times a ay they woul e6&loe an he woul most likely ie instantly./ /Ah 2 am sorry/ sai the Iueen. An the ne6t floor they &asse a room where a youn' nurse was 'i-in' a &atient a $low o$. /Ah my o/ sai the Iueen /What8s ha&&enin' in there/ 1he Doctor re&lie /Same &ro$lem $etter health &lan./

)4. + little $oy an his 'ranfather are rakin' lea-es in the yar. 1he little $oy sees an earthworm tryin' to 'et $ack into its hole. He says /ran&a 2 $et 2 can &ut that worm $ack in that hole./ 1he 'ranfather re&lies /28ll $et you fi-e ollars you can8t. 2t8s too wi''ly an lim& to &ut $ack in that little hole./ 1he little $oy runs into the house an comes $ack out with a can of hair s&ray. He s&rays the worm until it is strai'ht an stiff as a $oar. 1he $oy then &rocees to &ut the worm $ack into the hole. 1he 'ranfather hans the little $oy fi-e ollars 'ra$s the hair s&ray an runs into the house. 1hirty minutes later the 'ranfather comes $ack out an hans the $oy another fi-e ollars. 1he little $oy says /ran&a you alreay 'a-e me fi-e ollars./ 1he 'ranfather re&lies /2 know. 1hat8s from your ranma./

),. + little $oy is &assin' $y an ol man8s house carryin' some uct ta&e. 1he ol man curious asks /Eittle $oy where you 'oin with that uct ta&e/ /2 'ot me some uck ta&e. 28m 'onna catch me some ucks./

/Boy you can8t catch ucks with uct ta&e/ the ol man says. /Watch me/ re&lies the little $oy an an hour later he &asses $y carryin' a $unch of ucks wra&&e in the ta&e. 1he ne6t ay the little $oy &asses $y the house with chicken wire. 1he ol man asks the $oy where he8s 'oin' with the chicken wire. /2 'ot me some chicken wire. 28m 'onna catch me some chickens./ /Boy you can8t catch chickens with chicken wire/ comes the res&onse from the ol man. /Watch me/ says the little $oy an an hour later he &asses $y the house with a $unch of chickens cau'ht in the chicken wire. 1he ne6t ay the little $oy &asses $y the house a'ain $ut the ol man can8t see what the $oy is carryin'. /What ya 'ot there $oy/ asks the ol man. /2 'ot me some &ussywillows/ says the little $oy. /Hol on. Eet me 'et my hat/ says the ol man.

)<. + woman &osts an a in the news&a&er that looks like this... 8Eookin' for man with these ;ualifications won8t $eat me u& or run away from me an is 'reat in $e.8 She 'ot lots of &hone calls re&lyin' to her a $ut met someone &erfect at her oor one ay. 1he man she met sai /Hi 28m Bo$. 2 ha-e no arms so 2 won8t $eat you u& an no le's so 2 won8t run away./ So the lay says /What makes you think you are 'reat in $e/ Bo$ re&lies /2 ran' the oor $ell in8t 2/

)>. 1hree sisters wante to 'et marrie $ut their &arents couln8t affor it so they ha all of them 'et marrie on the same ay. 1hey also couln8t affor to 'o on a honeymoon so they all staye home with their new hu$$ies. 1hat ni'ht the mother 'ot u& $ecause she couln8t slee&.

When she went &ast her olest au'hter8s room she hear screamin'. 1hen she went to her secon au'hters room an she hear lau'hin'. 1hen she went to her youn'est au'hter8s room an she couln8t hear anythin'. 1he ne6t mornin' when the men left the mother aske her olest au'hter /Why were you screamin' last ni'ht/ 1he au'hter re&lie /Mom you always tol me if somethin' hurt 2 shoul scream./ /1hat8s true./ She looke at her secon au'hter. /Why were you lau'hin' so much last ni'ht/ 1he au'hter re&lie /Mom you always sai that if somethin' tickle you shoul lau'h./ /1hat8s also true./ 1hen the mother looke at her youn'est au'hter. /Why was it so ;uiet in your room last ni'ht/ 1he youn'est au'hter re&lie /Mom you always tol me 2 shoul ne-er talk with my mouth full./

)=. + e&resse youn' woman was so es&erate that she ecie to en her life $y throwin' herself into the ocean. When she went own to the ocks a hansome youn' sailor notice her tears took &ity on her an sai /Eook you8-e 'ot a lot to li-e for. 28m off to !uro&e in the mornin' an if you like 2 can stow you away on my shi&. 28ll take 'oo care of you an $rin' you foo e-ery ay./ Mo-in' closer he sli&&e his arm aroun her shouler an ae /28ll kee& you ha&&y an you8ll kee& me ha&&y./ 1he 'irl noe yes after all what i she ha-e to lose 1hat ni'ht the sailor $rou'ht her a$oar an hi her in a life$oat. rom then on e-ery ni'ht he $rou'ht her three sanwiches an a &iece of fruit an they mae &assionate lo-e until awn. 1hree weeks later urin' a routine search she was isco-ere $y the ca&tain. 8What are you oin' here8 the ca&tain aske. She 'ot u& off the 'roun an e6&laine /2 ha-e an arran'ement with one of the sailors. He8s takin' me to !uro&e an he8s screwin' me./ 1he ca&tain looke at her /He sure is lay this is the Staten 2slan erry.8

)C. + $oy is at school an he hears the oler kis talkin' a$out &ussy an their $itch. 1he $oy confuse $y this 'oes to his mother. /Mom/ the $oy asks /What8s a &ussy/ 1he mother $ein' startle $y this thinks ;uick an fins the closest ictionary an o&ens it u& to a &icture of a cat an says /Son that is a &ussy./ the son then asks /What8s a $itch/ 1he mother a'ain thinkin' ;uickly o&ens to a &icture of a o' an says /Son this is a $itch./ 1he son walks away still confuse an sees his father watchin' tele-ision. 1he son walks u& to his father an says /Da what8s a &ussy/ 1he father oesn8t want to miss the $ase$all

'ame so he ;uickly whi&s out his #enthouse ma'aine to the centerfol 'ra$s a marker an raws a circle aroun the -a'ina an says /Son this is a &ussy9/ 1he son now startin' to unerstan what the oler $oys are talkin' a$out asks /1hen what is a $itch/ 1he a re&lies /1hat8s e-erythin' outsie the circle9/

30. Ane %hristmas !-e Santa %laus comes own the chimney an is startle $y a $eautiful *C year ol $lone. She sai /Santa will you stay with me/ Santa re&lie /Ho Ho Ho 'otta 'o 'otta 'o 'otta eli-er these toys to 'oo 'irls an $oys./ So she took off her ni'ht 'own wearin' only a $ra an &anties she aske /Santa now will you stay with me/ /Ho Ho Ho 'otta 'o 'otta 'o 'otta eli-er these toys to 'oo 'irls an $oys./ She takes off e-erythin' an says /Santa now will you stay with me/ Santa re&lies /otta stay 'otta stay can8t 'et u& the chimney with my ick this way9/

3*. + woman an her little $oy were walkin' throu'h a &ark in Gew 7ork an they &ass two s;uirrels ha-in' se6. 1he little $oy asks his mom /Mommy mommy what are they oin'/ 1he lay res&one /1hey8re makin' a sanwich./ 1hen they &ass two o's ha-in' se6 an the little $oy a'ain asks what they were oin'. His mother a'ain re&lie they were makin' a sanwich. + cou&le of ays later the little $oy walks in on his mother an father an sai /Mommy Day you must $e makin' a sanwich $ecause Mommy has mayonnaise all o-er her mouth999/

3). 1his 'uy wakes u& out of a ee& slee& an feelin' real horny nu'es his wife awake an asks /Why on8t we 'et it on eh/ She re&lies /2 ha-e an a&&ointment at the 'ynecolo'ist tomorrow an you know 2 on8t like to make lo-e the ni'ht $efore./ So the hus$an a'rees an rolle $ack o-er an starte to 'o $ack to slee&. + few minutes later he nu'es his wife a'ain an asks /7ou on8t $y any chance ha-e a entist8s a&&ointment tomorrow o you/

33. 1wo fi-e year ol $oys are stanin' at the toilet to &ee. Ane says /7our thin' oesn8t ha-e any skin on it9/. /28-e $een circumcise./ the other re&lie.

/What8s that mean/ /2t means they cut the skin off the en./ /How ol were you when it was cut off/ /My mom sai 2 was two ays ol./ /Di it hurt/ the ki aske in;uirin'ly. /7ou $et it hurt 2 in8t walk for a year9/

34. + teacher was wra&&in' u& class an starte talkin' a$out tomorrow8s final e6am. He sai there woul $e no e6cuses for not showin' u& tomorrow $arrin' a ire meical conition or an immeiate family mem$er8s eath. Ane smart ass male stuent sai /What a$out e6treme se6ual e6haustion/ an the whole classroom $urst into lau'hter. +fter the lau'hter ha su$sie the teacher 'lare at the stuent an sai /Got an e6cuse you can use your other han to write./

3,. + woman is in the eli-ery room 'i-in' $irth the octor tells her to &ush. She oes an the $a$y8s hea &o&s out. 1he octor says /Ah9 7our $a$y has slante eyes./ 1o which she re&lies /7eah 2 hear them %hinese men were &retty 'oo so 2 ecie to 'i-e them a try. 1he octor shru's it off an tells her to &ush a'ain. 1his time the $a$y8s $oy comes out. /Holy Shit your $a$y has a white $oy/ the octor says. /7eah 2 hear them white men were &retty 'oo so 2 ecie to 'i-e them a try/ she sai. 1he octor shru's it off a'ain an tells her to &ush a'ain an that will $e it. So she oes an the le's come out. /Holy Shit9 7our $a$y has $lack le's/ the octor sai. /7eah 2 hear them $lack men were &retty 'oo so 2 ecie to 'i-e them a try/ she sai. So the octor shru's it off a'ain an ties the um$ilical cor an sla&s the $a$y on the ass it starts to cry. 1he octor turns to the woman an asks /How are you 'oin' to eal with a $a$y who has slante eyes white $oy an $lack le's/ 1he woman re&lies /28m ust 'la it in8t $ark9/

3<. 1hin's 1hat +re Difficult 1o Say When 7ou8re Drunk

*. 2nno-ati-e ). #reliminary

3. #roliferation 4. %innamon

1hin's 1hat +re Very Difficult 1o Say When 7ou8re Drunk

*. S&ecificity ). +nticonstitutionalistically 3. #assi-ea''ressi-e isorer 4. 1ransu$stantiate

1hin's 1hat +re Downri'ht 2m&ossi$le 1o Say When 7ou8re Drunk

*. 1hanks $ut 2 on8t want to ha-e se6. ). Go&e no more $ooe for me9 3. Sorry $ut you8re not really my ty&e. 4. 1aco Bell Go thanks 28m not hun'ry. ,. oo e-enin' officer. 2sn8t it lo-ely out toni'ht <. Ah 2 couln8t9 Go one wants to hear me sin' karaoke. >. 28m not intereste in fi'htin' you. =. 1hank you $ut 2 won8t make any attem&t to ance 2 ha-e no coorination. 28 hate to look like a fool9 C. Where is the nearest $athroom 2 refuse to &iss in this &arkin' lot or on the roa sie. *0. 2 must $e 'oin' home now as 2 ha-e to work in the mornin'.

3>. An a rural roa a state troo&er &ulle this farmer o-er an sai: /Sir o you realie your wife fell out of the car se-eral miles $ack/

1o which the farmer re&lie: /1hank o 2 thou'ht 2 ha 'one eaf9/

3=. + retirin' farmer in &re&aration for sellin' his lan neee to ri his farm of animals. So he went to e-ery house in his town. 1o the houses where the man is the $oss he 'a-e a horse. 1o the houses where the woman is the $oss a chicken was 'i-en. He 'ot towar the en of the street an saw a cou&le outsie 'arenin'. /Who8s the $oss aroun here/ he aske. /2 am./ sai the man. /2 ha-e a $lack horse an a $rown horse/ the farmer sai /which one woul you like/ 1he man thou'ht for a minute an sai /1he $lack one./ /Go no no 'et the $rown one./ the man8s wife sai. /Here8s your chicken./ sai the farmer.

3C. My wife an 2 ha-e the secrets to makin' a marria'e last... 1wo times a week we 'o to a nice restaurant a little wine 'oo foo an com&anionshi&. She 'oes 1uesays. 2 'o riays. We also slee& in se&arate $es. Hers is in loria mine is in G7. 2 take my wife e-erywhere $ut she kee&s finin' her way $ack. 2 aske my wife /Where o you want to 'o for our anni-ersary/ /Somewhere 2 ha-en8t $een in a lon' time9/ So 2 su''este /How a$out the kitchen/ We always hol hans. 2f 2 let 'o she sho&s. She has an electric $lener electric toaster an electric $rea maker. 1hen she sai /1here are too many 'a'ets an no &lace to sit own9/ so 2 $ou'ht her an electric chair. My wife tol me the car wasn8t runnin' well there was water in the car$uretor. When 2 aske where the car was she tol me /2n the lake./

My wife is on a new iet. %oconuts an $ananas. She hasn8t lost wei'ht $ut BA7 can she clim$ a tree now9 She 'ot a mu&ack an looke 'reat for two ays. 1hen the mu fell off... She ran after the 'ar$a'e truck yellin' /+m 2 too late for the 'ar$a'e/ 1he ri-er sai /Go um& in9/

40. Blowo$ !ti;uette K$y a femaleL *. irst an foremost we are not o$li'ate to o it. ). !6tension to rule *  So if you 'et one $e 'rateful. 3. 2 on8t care WH+1 they i in the &orn -ieo you saw it is not stanar &ractice to cum on someone8s face. 4. !6tension to rule 3  Go 2 DAG81 ha-e to swallow. ,. My ears are GA1 hanles. <. !6tension to rule ,  o not &ush on the to& of my hea. East 2 hear ee& throat ha $een one. +n aitionally o you really W+G1 &uke on your ick >. 2 on8t care HAW rela6e you 'et it is G!V!? AF to fart. =. Ha-in' my &erio oes not mean that it8s /hummer week/  'et it throu'h your hea  28m $loate an 2 feel like shit so no 2 on8t feel &articularly o$li'ate to $low you ust $ecause 7A@ can8t ha-e se6 ri'ht now. C. !6tension to =  /Blue Balls/ mi'ht ha-e worke on hi'h school 'irls  if you8re that es&erate 'o erk off an lea-e me alone with my Miol. *0. 2f 2 ha-e to &ause to remo-e a &u$ic hair from my teeth on8t tell me 28-e ust /wrecke it/ for you. **. Eea-in' me in $e while you 'o &lay -ieo 'ames immeiately afterwars is hi'hly ina-isa$le if you woul like my $eha-ior to $e re&eate in the future. *). 2f you like how we o it it8s &ro$a$ly $est not to s&eculate a$out the ori'ins of our talent. Just enoy the moment an $e ha&&y that we8re 'oo at it. See also rule ) a$out 'ratitue. *3. Go it oesn8t &articularly taste 'oo. +n 2 on8t care a$out the &rotein content. *4. Go 2 will GA1 o it while you watch 1V.

*,. When you hear your friens com&lain a$out how they on8t 'et $low o$s often enou'h kee& your mouth shut. 2t is ina&&ro&riate to either sym&athie or $ra'. *<. Just $ecause /it8s awake/ when you 'et u& oes not mean 2 ha-e to /kiss it 'oo mornin'/.

+ Man8s thou'hts on ellatio aka ?e$uttal !ti;uette K$y a maleL *. irst of all yes you8re o$li'ate to o it. 2f you on8t we will fin someone Kyoun'er &rettier an irtierL who will. ). Secon swallowin' a teas&oon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than lickin' a ea fish. 3. 7ou want to talk a$out fartin' Does the wor /;ueef/ mean anythin' to you 4. 2 will use your ears as 2 see fit. on8t worry a$out it an $e thankful 28m not &ullin' your hair. ,. When you8re on your &erio stuffin' somethin' in your mouth is the only way to sto& you from $itchin' an moanin'. Suck it u&9 <. S&eakin' of which if you are $leein' for fi-e strai'ht ays you nee all the fluis you can 'et. trust me. >. 7ou $itch a$out the taste $ut trust me when 2 tell you that we 'et the short en of the stick in fla-or country. =. +t least there is no an'er of a ick $leein' in your mouth. C. #lay with the $alls. *0. Go matter how 'oo you think you are at it we8-e ha $etter. **. %aress the ass too. We like that9 *). Make hay when the sun shines. it8s /wie awake/ in the mornin' now $ut when you 'et ol N fat an lookin' for some action 2 'ahrontee it8ll $e /soun aslee&/. *3. 2f you swallow then you on8t ha-e to worry a$out 'ettin' any on your face now will you