The Next Time You Look Someone In The Eye You Will Communicate How Successful And Desirable You Are! All Contents Copyright 2014 – COTUM.COM 1
Table of Contents 3. What is eye contact? 10. Eye contact tips for men 17. Eye contact tips for women 20. Levels of eye contact (Mark Manson) 2
What is eye contact? Eye contact occurs when "two people look at each other's eyes at the same time." Eye contact is a form of nonverbal communication and is thought to have a large influence on social behavior. Coined in the early to mid‐1960s, the term has come in the West to often define the act as a meaningful and important sign of confidence and social communication. The study of eye contact is sometimes known as oculesics. Eye contact and facial expressions provide important social and emotional information. People, perhaps without consciously doing so, probe each other's eyes and faces for positive or negative mood signs. In some contexts, the meeting of eyes arouses strong emotions. Eye contact is also an important element in flirting, where it may serve to establish and gauge the other's interest in some situations. Mutual eye contact that signals attraction initially begins as a brief glance and progresses into a repeated volleying of eye contact. 3
In the process of civil inattention, strangers in close proximity, such as a crowd, avoid eye contact in order to help maintain their privacy. Numerous studies have shown that people who make higher‐ levels of eye contact with others are perceived as being: More dominant and powerful More warm and personable More attractive and likeable More qualified, skilled, competent, and valuable More trustworthy, honest, and sincere More confident and emotionally stable Women are known to maintain eye contact better than men. Some studies have shown women lose interest quickly in men who can’t maintain eye contact. Why does making eye contact with people have such a dramatic effect in improving their perception of you? There are four main reasons: 1. Our eyes were made to connect. It’s easy to see why the eyes of others capture our gaze: they’re free‐moving orbs lodged in an otherwise stationary face; eyeballs are really kind of weird when you think about them, aren’t they? But they 4
also grab our attention for a reason that is distinctly human. While our irises and pupils float on a bright white canvas, none of the other 220 species of primates have white in their eyes at all, or at least whites that can readily be seen. Image source The whites of our eyes make it very easy for others to see exactly what we’re looking at and notice when our focus changes direction. While primates will typically turn their gaze in the direction a person points his whole head towards, a human infant is more likely to follow the person’s eyes, regardless of which way the person’s head is tilted. Anthropologists think our uniquely human eyes evolved to help us achieve a greater level of cooperation with others, which is helpful in survival and building a civilization. All of which is to say: your eyes were made to communicate with the eyes of other people. 2. Our eyes reveal our thoughts and feelings. You’ve probably heard the old expression: “The eyes are the window to the soul.” While that may not be literally true, they do reveal a great deal about what we’re really thinking and feeling from moment to moment.
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Think of all the eye‐related expressions we have in our language. We’re seduced by “bedroom eyes,” wary of “shifty eyes,” and afraid of getting the “evil eye.” We’re attracted to people who have “kind eyes” and eyes that “sparkle,” “glow,” or “twinkle,” while we’re repelled by those who are “dead behind the eyes.” When someone is eager and peppy we say they’re “bright‐eyed;” when they’re bored we describe their eyes as “glazed over.” Love stories in both fiction and real life very often begin with two pairs of eyes meeting across a room. And Bryan Adams says you can gauge your love for a woman from your ability to see your unborn children in her eyes! Kind of romantic, kind of creepy. That we give so much credence to the idea that we can read someone from what’s in their eyes is due to the fact that even when we hide what we’re really thinking and feeling in our body language and facial expressions, it’s often still revealed in our eyes. “The eyes don’t lie” as people say (although good liars can, in reality, get their eyes to fib for them). This is why poker players often wear sunglasses in order to disguise their reactions to the hands they’re dealt. The human propensity to look to someone’s eyes in order to decipher what they’re thinking starts very early in life. Around 9‐18 months, infants will begin to look to their parents’ eyes to figure out what they’re trying to convey when their face is 6
otherwise ambiguous. And we continue to do this for the rest of our lives. Finally, we lend a lot of weight to eye contact in our interactions because it’s a form of simultaneous communication. You don’t have to take turns expressing yourselves as you do with talking. If you’ve ever had a whole mini conversation across the room with your spouse, using only your eyes, you know how this works. 3. Eye contact shows attention. Sociologists tell us that people are starved for attention these days. Despite the fact that we’re more “connected” than ever, folks are hungry for face‐ to‐face interactions and someone to really, sincerely listen to them. This hunger for attention can manifest itself in things like “conversational narcissism.” And if you read our discussion about that social malady from awhile back, you’ll remember that we talked about how you show your attention to someone with whom you are talking by using “support‐ responses,” such as nodding your head and offering “background acknowledgments” like “mmm’s” and “yeah’s.” Well, eye contact is another form of background acknowledgement—and a very important one at that. It shows the speaker that you’re tuned in to what he’s saying. Think of how crappy you feel when you’re talking with
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someone and he’s looking all around the room for someone else to ditch you for. The ability to give eye contact to someone as they speak is an especially powerful tool these days; it has become so common for people to break their gaze to check their phone during a conversation that giving someone your complete and undivided attention can truly win them over. 4. Eye contact creates an intimate bond. When I am performing a task or feeling an emotion, and you are observing me do so, the same neurons that are being lit up in my brain by actually having the experience, are the ones that light up in your brain just from watching me. This is made possible by the presence of “mirror neurons” in our craniums. And the activation of these mirror neurons is especially sensitive to facial expressions, and, you guessed it, eye contact. Have you ever been hit hard with an emotion after looking into the eyes of someone who was experiencing it? Eye contact creates moments where you are able to really feel what someone else is feeling. It links together your emotional states and creates empathy and an intimate bond. This is why when we’re interacting as disembodied selves on the internet, it can be very easy to be angry and hateful to people, but when you see someone face‐to‐face, and look 8
into their eyes, you often can get a sense of their humanity and your anger greatly dissipates. Getting in‐sync with others, sharing our feelings, showing attention, creating a bond: eye contact is truly a powerful tool for connecting with others. Now let’s learn how to interpret – and project – eye contact.
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Eye contact tips for men The first step is to recognize the sort of eye contact you’re receiving and what it means. Here are some ways to figure out a woman’s intentions just by looking into her eyes. First, be within 15 or 20 feet of a girl you'd like to talk to. Put on a pleasant, open appearance and look into their eyes. When she does look back you have one rule: DO NOT LOOK AWAY FIRST. I cannot stress this enough. And when you do look away, do so to the side, very slowly. One of the following six things will happen. 1. She'll look down after a second. If she does this, it's a subliminal sign that she is excited by you or intimidated by you. It could also be a sign that she feels she's below you. Basically, you should talk with her immediately. Like, within 5 seconds. It will show her that you are as confident as she thought. 2. She'll look sideways after a second. If she does this it likely means you aren't that interesting to her. It could also be a sign 10
that she sees you as an equal, or not a viable partner. If I get this signal I usually move on. Later I'll see if she sends any other signals. 3. She'll look UP after a second. Rarely will this happen, but if it does it means this really isn't worth your time. She feels she is well above you and you do run the risk of your fear being realized. This doesn't mean that she IS above you, just how she's feeling about it. Let her think what she thinks and move on to someone worth your time. 4. She'll SMILE and look away in any direction. Talk to her now! Forget the direction, although if she smiles and looks down you're pretty much golden. I can't stress this enough, if a girl smiles, give yourself an emotional pat on the back and go talk to her. She's waiting for you. 5. She'll quickly get distracted. This is a lost opportunity. You won't get any real signals from this, just move on and come back if you want to later. 6. She won't look away. Your first instinct will be to look away after a second or two. DO NOT DO IT! Eye contact is one of our most primitive forms of showing status and confidence. If she's holding your gaze there is a reason. If you look away you'll have blown it. It will feel like an eternity but remember, 11
this tension and awkwardness easily translates into excitement. Hold the gaze, approach, and speak. At the very least she'll be interested in why you had such confidence to never break eye contact. How to Project Your Eye Contact: “Focus On Her Pupil There’s a big difference between holding socially acceptable eye contact and holding eye contact that creates sexual tension. Sexual tension comes from looking directly into a woman’s pupil. Don't look at the colored part of her eye. Don't allow your eyes lose focus. Don't half ass it and look in the general direction of her eyes. And do not bounce back and forth from one of her eyes to the other. You need to remain centered on one of her pupils at all times. Decide on an eye that you will always look at and stay there. Regardless of the girl, always focus my eye contact on her right pupil. Do Not Look Away. Risk Being Creepy 12
You're going to feel like you are being a creep. It will feel like you are in a staring contest with her. Or that you are one of the typical guys who just stares at women but never says anything. That’s good, that’s what it should feel like at first. In your head it might feel too intense. But to her it feels sexy and confident. You'll get used to it and even start to embrace the tension. It’s Best To Just Use Eye Contact With No Facial Expression Eye contact is most effective when it’s used without much facial expression. The point is to create sexual tension. But most facial expressions break that tension. If you're holding relatively intense eye contact with her but you're smiling, it’s incongruent. Less is more here. Just hold eye contact with a dead pan poker face. You’re Focusing Your Attention / Energy On Her Pupil But It’s Not A Death Stare You should be focusing on her pupil but you're not trying to shoot laser beams through her head.
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Your eyes should feel relaxed but purposeful. You are concentrating your attention on her pupil. Practice on a dog or a baby. Hold your eye contact on the dog or baby's pupil. If they start freaking out, you're being too intense. If they warm up to you, you got it perfect. Keep Your Focus On Her Eyes Even If She's Not Looking At You This is gold. I can’t explain the wonders it will do for spiking her attraction, you have to try it for yourself. After you've established good eye contact and rapport with her there will inevitably be some point where someone interrupts your conversation. She will change her attention to that person but you should continue holding eye contact on her eyes. Even if she's not looking at you. You only have to do this for a couple seconds, maybe a 3 or 4 count and then change your attention to whoever is speaking. But during that time, she will feel your eyes and attention on her, and I would put money on her becoming instantly aroused. Use Breaks In Eye Contact Effectively Obviously, you can’t just stare in a girl’s eyes all night. The effect would be lost. But that doesn't mean you should 14
randomly break eye contact. When she's in the middle of telling you a story just look down and away. Or even look up and watch TV. Just hold your eyes in one location for a bit while she continues to talk to you. Almost like your pondering something. Maybe you're thinking about talking her home, maybe you're bored with her, maybe you're thinking about another girl. She's not sure, but she’ll miss the feeling of your eyes looking into hers. The Primate Look This look is very simple to pull off. It can be dangerous at times because if you’re a man and use it, other men may respond badly. At the same time it’s effective and women sometimes go crazy over it. Just pull your chin in a bit, then move your eyes upward. Look straight ahead unless you see a woman making eye contact with you out of the corner of your eye. The Convict Stare Charles Manson has been described as using this frequently. Instead of looking into someone’s eyes, look at the part of the face BETWEEN the eyes. 15
Only use this when you are trying to establish dominance over someone. 16
Eye contact tips for women Casually stare now and then. See someone you like? Casually stare at the person now and then. Soon enough, the one you like will notice you back. Exchange a fleeting glimpse. Don’t be hasty or you’ll end up looking like an annoying stalker. When the person you like catches you staring and stares back at you with curiosity, lock eyes for a second and look away immediately. Repeat the glances. Look at the person you like again. Stare at him or her, but look away immediately as soon they look back at you. Don’t linger and stare back for more than a second just yet. [Read: First glances and love at first sight] Let them know what’s on your mind. At first, the person you like may assume it’s a passing glance. But as they catch you sneaking a few glances now and then, they’d understand that you’re interested in them. Don’t stare for more than a second because you’ll kill the excitement. Instead, build the excitement. Build the excitement. Now that you’ve got the one you like looking back at you now and then to see if you’re still staring, 17
it’s time to build the excitement. Stop staring for a couple of minutes. Wait for them to stare at you now and then. The person you like will wonder why you aren’t staring anymore and may start to stare at you more often, to check if you’re still staring. By doing this, you’re actually making the one you like as interested as you are in building the staring game. Reverse the eye contact flirting. Notice the one you like from the corner of your eye. Don’t stare directly, but keep an eye on the person you like. Wait for that person to look at you. And just as the one you like looks at you, stare back at that person. By doing that, you’re now discreetly making it appear like they’re the one interested in looking at you, and not the other way around. Stare for a longer duration. You’ve been exchanging fleeting glances until now, but now that you’ve got the one you like excitedly waiting for you to stare back, lock eyes for more than a second before looking away. [Read: 10 tips to look sexy without trying] Smile and blush. Talk to your friends or appear busy, and stare for a second or two. And each time, look away smiling
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or blushing in an obvious manner. Don’t smile while staring just yet. Always smile only while looking away. Watch their response. Is this person looking at you as often as you’re looking at them? If they are, it’s working and you’re on your way to a fun evening. If the one you like isn’t reciprocating your glances no matter what you do, they’re not interested, so give up and move on. You can’t win all your eye contact flirting games. Smile while staring. Now that you’re certain that the one you like is equally interested in staring at you and exchanging stolen glances, it’s time to take the plunge. During one of your longer glances, look straight into their eyes and stretch a little smile. There’s no turning back here. If the person smiles back, you’ve struck jackpot. If the one you’re staring at looks shocked or looks away hastily, they just need a little more time to warm up. 19
The Levels of Eye Contact By Mark Manson Eye contact is important, especially in dating and gauging people’s attraction to you. Everyone should have a basic understanding of what each person is eye‐coding them in any given situation, and it doesn’t take a cryptographer to figure it out. Or if it does, then fuck it, I’m that cryptographer. Here is an entirely overly‐analytical, and only‐kinda‐joking guide to the levels of eye contact and what they mean: Level (‐1): No Contact (Intentional) ‐ Beyond the lowest level of eye contact, this is when someone is not only not making eye contact with you, but they‐re consciously making an effort to NOT look at you. In the heights of sexual intimacy, Level (‐1) is subterranean. It’s a person’s way of saying, “Get away from me, creep,” without, you know, actually saying it. This eye contact (or lack thereof) is typically reserved for the horny mouth‐breathers who stare at a girl’s tits, obnoxious drunk guys in full‐on bro‐mode, the crazed ex‐girlfriend stalker, or any other potential rapist in one’s vicinity. Level (‐ 1) eye contact can also occur within a conversation. So just because he or she is responding to you verbally doesn’t mean you’re out of the gates yet. Put simply, if someone is intentionally making an effort to NOT look at you, they’re not 20
interested. It’s the anti‐intimacy. The non‐verbal cue for “Give it up…” That or you have some mustard on your face. Level 0: No Contact (Unintentional) ‐ An unintentional absence of eye contact signals a lack of knowledge you exist. It means nothing other than they haven’t noticed you. Either they’re busy and focusing on something else, or you’re about as intriguing to look at as grandma’s new wallpaper. Level 1: Glance (Unconscious) ‐ An unconscious glance is that moment when someone looks up at you and then immediately looks away, although they’re not aware of what they’re looking at. It’s basically when their eyes are wandering around and coincidentally meet yours for a moment and then continue wandering. The key here is that he or she not aware of them meeting and therefore nothing is registering to them as particularly interesting or enticing in that moment. Just like Level 0, this level of eye contact is neutral and there’s not much to take away from it. Most people aren’t paying attention to what they’re looking at most of the time. Level 2: Glance (Conscious) – The second level of eye contact is the first type of eye contact where you’ve possibly made a positive impression on a person. This is when your eyes and 21
theirs happen to meet and then they look away immediately, except they look away consciously, whether it be shyness, awkwardness, or disinterest. Body language studies claim that a person who breaks eye contact with you by looking down is intimidated (i.e., attracted) and a person who breaks eye contact by looking to the side is indifferent (i.e., not attracted). I have no idea if this is true or not. But if someone breaks eye contact with me quickly and intentionally, it’s usually a polarized response: she’s either attracted and is momentarily made self‐conscious by my presence, or she is uninterested and is avoiding making contact. Most people are not comfortable holding eye contact with strangers, what would signal the interest here is that their eyes were drawn to you in the first place. So it’s not the breaking it so much that is important, what’s important is that they consciously looked at you. Differentiating between Level 2 eye contact and Level 1 eye contact is subtle and hard to do consistently with any sort of accuracy. Although you do pick up some acuity over time. It’s impossible to ever be 100% certain what her intentions or reasoning are, so I assume every woman who makes eye contact with me is attracted until proven otherwise. A good exercise for someone who is new or shy is to practice never breaking eye contact with people before they break it 22
with you. Walk around all day and make eye contact with people you find interesting or attractive. You’ll feel uncomfortable making eye contact with strangers, but that’s the idea. Keep doing it until it feels natural. It will help your confidence. Level 3: Glance and a Half ‐ Level 3 is the first level where interest is conveyed, ever so slightly. Like the other lower levels of eye contact, the glance and a half is subtle and difficult to notice without a lot of practice. It’s when someone looks at you and breaks eye contact as they normally do, but they hold the eye contact for a split second longer than is normal. I’m talking maybe 1/4 of a second longer. Whereas Level 2 eye contact may last half a second, Level 3 will last 3/4 of a second. It’s subtle, it’s short, and it’s unconscious. Humans are wired to spend more time looking at things they find attractive on an unconscious level. So in their mind, they’re still breaking eye contact with you, but in practice, they’re actually looking at you 50% longer than they would normally. It took me a while to start picking up on Level 3 eye contact. Level 3 happens most often when they are consciously focused on something else, such as on their cell phone or talking to somebody they’re with. They don’t realize that they’re looking at you as long as they are. Any eye contact 23
from Level 3 and above from a woman will get me to strongly consider approaching them. Level 4: Double Glance – Here’s a good habit to get yourself into once you’re able to maintain eye contact with people walking around. Any time you make eye contact with someone attractive and they look away, keep looking at them for another few seconds. A percentage of them will look at you a second time. In my experience, this is a clear sign of physical interest. This from a woman almost guarantees an approach from me, and 95+% of these approaches are received warmly. What’s funny is that even on Level 4 eye contact, most people are not conscious that they’re doing it. I’ve approached women who have looked at me twice in a row and I mentioned that I saw them look at me, and they seriously didn’t remember looking at me. I’ve even said, “We did an eye contact thing. We made eye contact like three times in a row, you didn’t notice?” And they didn’t… or they were lying scumbags. Either way, just goes to show how most people are off in their own little world not thinking about any of this stuff. Regardless, the unconscious mind is always seeking out things it finds interesting or intriguing, so if their eyes keep falling on you, it’s a sign. 24
Level 5: The Gaze – The gaze is the last level that can occur unconsciously although it’s usually conscious. This is when someone looks at you and just keeps looking at you past the normal “look away” moment. This is a solid 2‐3 seconds of eye contact without them breaking it. When undesired, this becomes the infamous “creep stare.” But in the cases of desirable people looking at you, this is why it’s so important to get in the habit of being able to hold eye contact, because otherwise you’ll miss out on all of the people giving you Level 3‐5 eye contact. The gaze is a clear and large sign of interest. You’d be pretty dumb to pass up this signal. Level 6: The Smile – The sixth level of eye contact is The Gaze plus a smile. If the gaze is a clear sign telling you that they’re interested, throwing a smile on top of it may as well be a neon flashing billboard. If an attractive girl gives you Level 6 and you don’t approach her, not only are you an idiot, but you’re probably afraid of women and have some serious anxiety going on. Approaching a person gazing and smiling at you should be automatic. Level 7: The Eye Fuck – This is someone who makes eye contact, holds it, smiles, and then never stops. They just keep staring and smiling, and staring and smiling, sometimes for minutes at a time. Eye fucking is the first level of eye contact that makes the leap from “interested/curious” to “they want 25
to have sex with me.” Eye fucking doesn’t withhold any intentions. It’s about as much interest as one can possibly display through eye contact alone. If you get eye fucked by an attractive person and don’t act on it, you’re probably blind or mid‐seizure. I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation. When undesired, the eye fuck is exceedingly creep. If you’re a man and you regularly eye fuck women who do not reciprocate or smile back, then you likely have pepper spray in your near future. Eye fuckers will often end up approaching you if you don’t approach. Although many of them will give up if you don’t approach for a few minutes and assume you’re not interested. If you’re a man and a woman is eye fucking you, the hint should be clear: she wants you to talk to her. Level 8: Dreamboat – The dreamboat happens when someone has fallen for you. This is when you wake up in the morning to her staring at you with that dreamy smile like she’s drunk or stayed up all night sniffing glue. It’s the way two people look at each other when cuddling and making cutesy noises while rubbing their noses together. The dreamboat almost never happens before you’ve had sex with someone, and if it does, they’re either Amish or it’s a giant red flag. Usually it starts happening after a month or two into a new 26
relationship, although it can happen in as little as a couple nights together (or in rare circumstances, one). Assuming the feeling is mutual, the Dreamboat is amazing. It’s the most validating eye contact a woman can give you. Centuries of literature and million‐dollar films have thrived off of what the Dreamboat stare signifies. It’s what we humans are obsessed with on some level. And whether we like to admit it or not, it’s what most of us are after in the long‐run. So when you find it, enjoy it. But… if the feeling is not mutual, if the Dreamboat is a one‐ way street, it’s not always such a pleasant experience. Unrequited love is no fun for anybody. Nobody likes to break a heart and make those eyes cry. Just be honest and upfront, break things off with respect and dignity, and hope that her eyes don’t morph into… Level 9: The Crazies – The 10th and final level of eye contact cannot be explained as much as experienced. When you experience The Crazies, a person doesn’t even have to be present to see them. They haunt you. They’re everywhere and nowhere. It’s the guy who wakes you up by banging on your window at 3AM crying that you never called him back. Or the girl who faked being pregnant because she thought it’d get you to get back together with her. Or the guy who carved your 27
name into his arm as a birthday present. They’re the eyes that look at you in earnest when they says they want to quit their job and move to Tahiti so that you two can be together perfectly alone forever. The Crazies signify delusion, hopeless emotion, and the complete loss of a grip on reality. The Crazies often come with a restraining order. People who have seen The Crazies and lived to tell about it, do so with a level of humility and despondence. Most have dealt with their share of irrational and dramatic relationships. Some have perhaps witnessed The Crazies for fleeting moments — an enraged girlfriend who ran around at him with a baseball bat, the guy who left her 43 angry voicemails in one night — and these people pass these stories of insanity around almost as a badge of honor. But those who have seen the depths, looked into the eyes and seen the true amorous insanity behind them, like any true veteran they prefer to keep the pain and horror stowed away in their hearts, not to see the light of day. They say all is fair in love and war, and in certain places and at certain times, the two don’t feel so differently. And like any war story, living it and telling it do neither justice.
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