Charisma Creator

The Charisma Creator © 2007 Andrew S. Kaplan. All Rights Reserved.

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The Charisma Creator is © copyright 2007 by Andrew S. Kaplan. All rights reserved. Published by AK Communications. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (including electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the expressed written consent of the author. The information contained in this book is based on the opinions and personal experiences of the author. None of the content in this book should be considered legal, personal, or medical advice in any way. This book is for the reader’s individual noncommercial use, and it is presented for educational and entertainment purposes only. The reader is responsible for any and all of his or her own personal conduct as a result of what he or she reads in this publication. All content contained within is intended to be used as an adjunct to rational and responsible behavior. The author and publisher are in no way liable for any misuse of the material. For more information, go to: www.CreateYourCharisma.com

IMPORTANT LEGAL NOTICE: To prevent illegal duplication and distribution of the enclosed intellectual property, this ebook has been uniquely tagged and can be traced back to the original buyer of this specific copy. Those who copy or distribute this book without proper authorization will be in direct violation of Federal law and be will considered guilty of copyright infringement. Any such violators will be aggressively prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. By purchasing this book for your personal non-commercial use, you hereby agree to these terms. 3


Contents PRE-INTRO: A CONVERSATION ON THE TRAIN

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INTRODUCTION: THE VALUE OF CHARISMA

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Chapter 1: THE MINDSET YOU’LL NEED

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Chapter 2: CHOOSING THE REAL ‘YOU’

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Chapter 3: THE CONGRUENT YOU

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Chapter 4: THE IMPACT OF GENDER ROLES

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Chapter 5: THE PROBLEM WITH SEEKING APPROVAL

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Chapter 6: ACT AS IF

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Chapter 7: SELF-VALUE

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Chapter 8: THE INNER GAME

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Chapter 9: “SUB-COMMUNICATION” AND THE POWER OF BODY LANGUAGE

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Chapter 10: THE ART OF CONVERSATION

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Chapter 11: THE IMPACT OF STATUS AND SOCIAL PROOF

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Chapter 12: THE VALUE AND USE OF HUMOR

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Chapter 13: THE FIRST DATE

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Chapter 14: THE POWER OF THE QUICK PICK UP

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Chapter 15: INDICATORS YOU’RE MAKING AN IMPACT

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Chapter 16: BREAKING THE ICE

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Chapter 17: THE VALUE OF COURTESY

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Chapter 18: MORE INSIGHTS INTO MAKING CONNECTIONS

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FINAL THOUGHTS

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The following dialogue is based on memory and happened about a year ago, so the actual words are probably anywhere from 9095% accurate. Either way, you’ll get the idea. This was on a train about two minutes before my stop was coming up. I was standing near the door across from a girl. She was a solid 8. Really cute. Brunette. Fantastic eyes. She had been standing there for awhile when I walked up knowing that the train was almost at my stop. She glanced at me, and then quickly looked down and away. Her belt buckle had the word “Jenny” on it. It was glitter embossed. And it was loud and shiny. You couldn’t miss it, and ten seconds after standing there next to her, I immediately used it to my advantage.

Me: Who’s Jenny? (pointing at belt) Her: (weird, confused look on her face) Umm… that’s me. I’m Jenny. Me: Oh. Okay. (pause for effect, creating tension) Why are you wearing a belt with your name on it? (straight face, deadpan) Her: Because… like… it’s my belt. Me: Ohhh… I see. (turn away, more pause for effect, turn back) So it’s really because you’ve got absolutely no game, right? Her: What? (nervous laugh) No. What are you talking about? Me: You’ve got no game. You’ve never had the courage to hit on a guy before… especially one as hot and sexy as me. So you just broadcast your name like it’s your friggin sponsor, hoping someone will come along and ask you about it. Well, congratulations (funny, sarcastic tone). You got me to say hello. Are you happy now? Do you feel good about yourself??

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Her: Shut up! (laughs, hits me playfully – HUGE buying signal) You’re weird. Me: I’M weird? I’m not the one wearing his name three inches above his crotch like a billboard. You’re the weird one. And you’re rude, too! Her: Rude?! I’m not rude…. What do you mean I’m rude?? Me: Well, here I obviously know your name, but did you ever take the time and effort to find out mine? Her: I just met you! I didn’t have time to— Me: (cutting her off) Oh, you had plenty of time. You could have asked my name instead of calling me weird. You could have asked when you were slugging me… which by the way, when you hit someone without knowing them…um yeah…. RUDE. Her: Shut up! (raises her hand to hit me again, but is now selfaware and quickly puts it back down) Me: Aha… SEE… you were going to hit me again. And you still don’t know my name. Her: Fine! (laughing) What’s your name?? Me: Oh, I’m not just going to give you my name. What do I look like to you, a ‘Jenny’?? You have to earn my name (squints eyes, cocky tone). Her: What?! How the hell do I do that? Me: (handing her a pen) Your e-mail and phone number. Right now, lady, I’m in a rush here. Her: What?.. I-8


Me: (expecting, no doubt in my voice or body posture) No no no… Your info, my name. That’s it. That’s the deal. Her: You know what?... (trying to come up with something to say) …fine… fine (laughs, begins to write on the back of the business card I just handed her) Me: See… that wasn’t so hard. Her: (pouty look) Me: (shaking her hand as train is coming to stop) I’m Andrew. It was very nice meeting you…uh… what did you say your name was? Her: (laughing even louder) Get outta here…. An-drew! (stretches word out, annoyed, but very amused)

There’s a real psychology behind what I accomplished in that brief conversation. There’s a real understanding into how people respond when confronted with various sets of circumstances. There’s a power that anyone can carry into any situation or any social setting… be it for the purposes of dating (like in the example above), one’s progress and achievement in business, or just about any other aspect of life requiring successful interaction with another. You’re about to acquire this power. You’re about to build and enhance your social skill set. You’re about to create your charisma.

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Welcome to The Charisma Creator. If you’re reading this, then you understand the real value of social dynamics and the role they play in your success, and you have made the decision to get the very best out of yourself in this category. Having identified a specific desire to present yourself in a more charismatic manner, you’re taking immediate steps to better understand the essentials of interaction with others, and by direct result, you are increasing your overall social aptitude. Congratulations. It’s definitely not my style to sound ‘self-help,’ but I want to suggest you mentally give yourself a pat on the back right now. Because you deserve it. Understand this: Regardless of whether you think you need a little improvement or a lot, there are many people in your situation right now who lack the initiative to make the necessary effort to really learn and get this handled. They let their ego get in the way and refuse to accept the fact that they need to better develop their social skill set. You’re not one of those people. Just by opening this book, you’ve automatically placed yourself in a higher category, so be proud. We’re about to take a journey designed to literally change your success rate in life. Because as you’ll soon come to understand, how well you do in life is in direct correlation to how well you deal with other people. And how well you deal with other people is completely dependent on how charismatic you can be. People need other people. It’s a basic fact of life. So the more people you have on your side, the more you’re going to thrive. It is my suggestion that you read this book at least twice. The first time is just to read the book all the way through and not let yourself be distracted by memorizing parts of it, taking notes, marking up pages or anything else that might slow you down. The second time is when you’ll want to take detailed notes. Because by then, you’ll have the whole picture put together and you’ll understand how each section relates to the others. The insights you come up with will be that much more profound, and your retention rate of the material will be that much more impressive. Following your second read, I highly recommend 11


you keep this book in a very accessible place and review the most relevant parts of it any time the need arises. This book is a guide. It’s a catalyst. It’s meant to get things going for you in whatever direction you wish. But please understand: The true improvement will come from within. You’re going to be responsible for how good you actually get, and that is why your potential for improvement will be boundless. Think about a major league baseball player mired in a slump. He just can’t seem to connect with the ball. When he does make contact, it always ends up in the glove of an opposing player. Don’t get me wrong, he can still swing the bat. He’s just not getting on base. So he goes to work with his hitting coach, identifies some flaws in his technique, makes the necessary adjustments, and has a record breaking season. Remember, in both good times and bad, it was the player who had to swing the bat and hit the ball. It was all on him 100%. His hitting coach couldn’t swing the bat for him. The coach could only show him how to swing it better. YOU are the baseball player. THIS BOOK is the hitting coach. This book is going to improve your mechanics on an exponential level. And then you’re going to go out and swing for the fences. It’s that simple, so remember to bring it out from the inside. It’s really not all that difficult to do. In fact, as long as you completely embrace what you are about to learn, hitting that proverbial home run will turn out to be a lot easier than you might expect. But before we delve too deeply into things, I want to take a little time out to detail why having charisma is so vital to the quality of one’s life. Charismatic people always seem to have things easier, and in many ways they do. And if you look into the true meaning of charisma, it’s not hard to figure out why. Most dictionaries will inform you that charisma is simply the quality of having charm. And what is charm? It is the ability, through personality, to attract and please people. 12


It implies one is alluring. It implies one is captivating. Taken to a dramatic level, it implies one is enchanting. And all of these qualities give an individual what they truly need in order to live a complete and fulfilling life: POWER. That’s what it’s all really about. It’s about power. Now this doesn’t mean you ‘control’ other people. This isn’t necessarily power over them. It’s power over the situation as a result of the control you have over yourself. People hear the word ‘power’ and they automatically give it a negative connotation. We’re brought up our entire lives to see power as a poor virtue, one attributed to a bad person. Watch any ordinary Saturday morning cartoon, and what’s the first thing you notice about the bad guy? He wants POWER. He wants to rule the world. He wants rule over his enemies. He wants rule over anything and everything around him. So you see a bad guy, you see he wants power, and you inaccurately put 2 and 2 together. But power is not what makes a person good or bad. Power is not automatically a determination of one’s personality or ideals. Power, if defined to its bare essentials, really only means ‘ability.’ It’s how one chooses to USE that power that makes all the difference. You hear that word and think ‘bad’ simply because many people who have power abuse it. And that is certainly something you want to guard against. You’re going to be acquiring A LOT of power through what you learn in this book. Take my advice and use it benevolently. Do not use this information to harm or take advantage of others. Trust me when I say that such action will definitely come back to bite you. I’ve seen it happen to others more than enough times to know. So now we understand that charisma is basically power through personality. Let’s now briefly touch on where exactly it benefits an individual. 13


I’m sure you’ve heard of Criss Angel. As of this writing, he has a feature show on A&E called ‘Mindfreak’ and he’s pretty much the biggest magician in the world. Some of the stunts he pulls off are amazing. One of his ‘tricks’ that he’s best known for is The Levitation. The name of the illusion pretty much says it all, but to detail it a little further, Angel basically puts himself in the middle of a crowded area, surrounded in all directions by people who can see him from every conceivable angle. He then proceeds to literally float up above the ground in full view of everyone. I don’t know how he pulls it off, but he’s really taken this illusion and upped the ante on a number of occasions. In one instance he actually levitated somebody else! In a later episode, he went to a rooftop in Vegas, floated up, and levitated all the way to the rooftop of an adjacent building! We’re talking about a long, potentially fatal drop to the ground if something goes wrong. We’re talking about a distance between rooftops of at least 50 feet! Again, the guy is amazing. But let me tell you right now. That isn’t why he’s so successful. You can take all of his talent and all of the exposure he gets from TV and all the hard work that goes on behind the scenes… and if you give it to somebody else, they would in all likelihood fail. And if you’ve been paying attention to the content in this book up until now, you know exactly why. The reason Criss Angel is able to take all of his gifts and make himself a success is because he has CHARISMA. He’s likable. You look at the people around him while he’s performing his illusions and you can tell that they genuinely enjoy being around him. They warm to him almost immediately. He innately knows how to present himself to other people in a favorable way. He understands showmanship and has cultivated a true stage presence. Most importantly, he’s real. And because of that, he’s able to take his charming personality and, as only truly excellent magicians do, misdirect the attention of his audience while he performs his stunts. He uses his charm and personality to distract 14


them from the secret behind the illusion. And that, my friends, is the real ‘trick.’ Charisma has proven advantages in so many other situations as well. The simple telling of a joke is a perfect example. You can take two people, one with charisma and one without, and you can give them the exact same joke to tell others. Only one of them is going to be funny. Only one of them is going to get a good reaction from the crowd. It isn’t the joke that elicits the response. It’s the delivery of the joke. Charisma also carries its influence in the dating scene. Take two identical twins, both attractive, but only one of them having a personality. Have them each hit on the very same girl. Who do you think is going home with her number? The one who knew how to use his words. The one who had the proper body posture, inflection, and facial expressions. The one who knew how to effectively communicate on a much more subtle level. Basically, the one who had those elusive intangibles. Because from a physical standpoint, everything was equal and fair between the twins. On the surface there was no difference. Below the surface, however, they were worlds apart. What about two different people on two different occasions being pulled over by the very same cop in the very same mood? One of them is warm and friendly. The other is awkward and belligerent. Who do you think has the best chance of walking away without a ticket? I trust my point has been emphatically made. The true value of charisma is in your ability to enjoy life through the direct or indirect cooperation of other people. Like I said before, it’s power through personality. That’s the difference. That’s the key. That’s what you’re going to understand as you bring forth your own talents in this area. Remember, this power can be enjoyed in many different aspects of life. And through a strategic breakdown of the types of 15


behaviors and beliefs that lend themselves to the progressive growth of charisma, we’re going to essentially touch on them all. Male-Female dynamics. Interpersonal skills in the office. Carrying yourself properly in social environments. Starting a conversation. Carrying a conversation. You name it, and in one way or another, it will be covered. Through this exploration, I’ll providing you with tips, techniques, insights, and ideas on how you can and will develop your personality to the point that it benefits you in whatever category you wish. Note the name of the website where you found this book: Create YOUR Charisma dot com. You’re going to learn to cultivate this talent in and for yourself. Like the old saying goes… give a man a fish and you’ve fed him for a day… teach a man to fish and you’ve fed him for a lifetime. So let’s get started baiting those hooks…

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Before we really begin, there are a few things you should know… (BEAR WITH ME, there’s a lot to be said in this first chapter)

The journey begins… and so does the challenge This book isn’t for the faint of heart. Not to sound melodramatic or anything, but it’s for champions. I realize the weird impression that choice of words might make on some of you, but I don’t care. It is what it is. This book is meant to challenge you. Only through challenge do we grow. And growth is what this book is all about. With that said, let’s set some ground rules before we jump in…

Trial by fire You’re really going to have to push yourself if you truly intend on cultivating an advanced social skill set. It’s going to be your responsibility to test the information in this book. And when I say that, what I mean is that it’s going to be up to you to try things out in real life situations. Sure, this content is easy to understand in the format I’ve offered it. But only by actually experiencing its benefits can you truly appreciate its value. So do what this book instructs you to do when it instructs you to do it. And with that in mind, anytime I provide you with a minor mental exercise… or I ask you to really think about something… stop and actually think about it before you continue reading. You also need to understand that true mastery of this material comes with practice. Only those who have committed themselves to the process will enjoy the most dramatic gains. This requires real patience. And I know it’s not easy. I know you just want to jump in, devour the material, and know it all at the drop of a hat. I know what it’s like to want to understand everything the instant it’s brought to my attention. I’ve been there. We all have.

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But keep in mind that I’m now past that need in my own life, so I know exactly what it takes to really get this handled. So just take my word for it, be patient, and allow your talent to unfold. Success comes with experience. And experience comes with deliberate action. That’s why you’re going to need to act right away and implement what you learn as soon as the opportunity presents itself. And you must do this on a regular basis. If it doesn’t feel perfect in the beginning, that’s okay. It’s not supposed to.

Welcome discomfort Some of this stuff will come really easy to you, and some of it won’t. You might mess up a few times. You might make a few mistakes. You might have to fail before you succeed. Welcome this failure. Revel in it. Learn from it. It’s that very failure that will provide you with the insight you’ll need to take your game to the next level. It’s vital that you understand that if you really want to get the most out of this book, you will most likely have to overcome your own limited belief system. Luckily, a large amount of this content will naturally help you to do that. That said, you’re sometimes really going to have to go outside of your comfort zone. Depending on your level of skill, some of this stuff will really feel above and beyond you in the beginning. But it’s not. As long as you keep stretching yourself, you will eventually wind up in a place where it feels as natural as tying your shoes.

Give me 90 days If you really want to make a dramatic leap and become the charismatic person you’ve always wanted to be, I highly recommend you devote at least 90 days of consistent, daily work to this process. In 90 days, you’ll develop a solid routine. 19


In 90 days, this will become a normal part of your life. And in 90 days, if you really push yourself on a consistent basis, you will see an exponential improvement in your social ability. You should also realize that this improvement only really comes to people who have the right intentions…

Fundamentally, you’re going to have to be a good person The only people who are going to get the absolute most out of this book are those who are genuinely good, moral people. Now regardless of who you are, the bottom line is that if you read this material and implement the methods enclosed, you’re going to improve your social skills and move forward in life. It doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad, moral or immoral, positive or negative. This material will help anyone. But only people who are intending to use this information to help themselves and others are going to get everything out of this book that can possibly be attained. There’s a legitimate reasoning behind this. This isn’t just me preaching at you to be a good person and refrain from hurting others. The methods, techniques, and exercises I have devised for you throughout this book, by design, will give an earnest and genuine person the most mileage because they were specifically created to help such people. And since they’re going to show you how to really take care of yourself and value your own interests anyway, it really isn’t necessary that you enter into this process with a selfish mentality. With that disclaimer in mind, please understand that the tone of this book’s content may at times come off as a little ‘strong’ or aggressive. At first, certain suggestions I make may seem a bit… controlling… almost manipulative. As if you’ll be toying with the minds of others. Should you arrive at this opinion, please understand that I always temper that kind of behavior with a refusal to hurt or put other people at a disadvantage. 20


Besides, even though certain things you learn from this book might seem like ‘manipulation’ on the surface, that really isn’t as much the case as you may initially believe. Before making any final judgments, give yourself the opportunity to really think about the behavior that will result from using what you learn. I think you’ll come to see that a lot of what this book’s content really does is make you more authentic rather than less.

Be the authentic YOU My interest is that you embrace who you really are, and that your behavior is dictated by your innermost goals and desires. As long as you’re not trying to hurt somebody else, you should not be at all hesitant in being more, doing more, and engaging in activity that brings more of the real you out. So upon close inspection of some of my advice, it will quickly become apparent that it’s not meant to be manipulative at all. It’s simply a way by which anyone can present their most positive and pleasing side to those who would be most receptive to it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We ALL do that, or at least TRY to do that every day already. The only difference this time around is that what you do will actually be effective and produce results on a much more consistent and prolific level. Especially when you embrace what you learn.

You’re going to have to trust in the material Skepticism and doubt will only hinder your progress. It’s very important that you practice what you learn from me with a big smile on your face. It’s not like I’m going to be asking you to jump off a bridge. Anything I propose is not designed to put you in any physical danger, so there’s no real reason to shirk on any of the advice or exercises to follow. I will do everything I can throughout the book to explain why certain strategies and 21


approaches will actually work. That should give you enough motivation to comfortably use this material at a complete level. With that said, I advise you to always be sure to use your own discretion, and IF you GENUNELY feel there is a danger in trying anything out, that is your decision to make. You are, after all, responsible for yourself. But since I am asking you to trust me from the onset, I feel it’s very important that you understand where I’m coming from and that you have some idea of how I’ve learned of what I’m about to teach you.

How I know what I know I’ve always been interested in the way people react to the world around them. I’ve always found it intriguing the way one person would respond to a situation one way, and another would respond to that very same situation in a completely different manner. This probably started around high school when I first noticed certain people acting shady or fake or hiding their true intentions in one way or another. I tried not to concern myself with these things when I got to college, but the more I resisted certain social situations, the more I got pulled in. I guess there’s really something to that old saying that ‘what you resist persists’. In fact, by the end of my first year, I was a part of about four different cliques. By the end of my second year, I was up to six. Even to this day, none of these groups really know each other, and it’s just as well. They were all so different, and I was easily able to identify a lot of things that they would disagree on. But I wanted to learn and I enjoyed being around all of them. So I maintained this pinball approach to social life in college, bouncing from clique to clique on an almost daily basis. It’s funny. You go to college expecting to learn everything in the classroom. I went and learned everything out. It was an experience that still defines me to this day. 22


In any case, I began my very first company about a year and a half after graduating with a degree in Business Management, so those first few years out of college really forced me to hone my social aptitude as much as I could. It was a real necessity that still drives my business today. If I’m not likeable, I don’t get clients. If I don’t get clients, I don’t make money. If I don’t make money, I don’t eat. If I don’t eat, I die. I think you see where I’m going with this. But since the beginning, it was never enough for me to ‘just get by’. I wanted more than that. I wanted to learn all I could about properly interacting with others. I didn’t want the money that I brought in to depend on plain dumb luck. I wanted to be sure that when I dealt with people, they were extremely comfortable helping me, just as I was more than happy to help them. I wanted to understand what a person’s words and body language really meant. And I wanted an understanding that would apply to any area of my life. Interacting effectively with women was obviously one of the more important points of interest on my path to learning, and I really immersed myself into any and every theory I could find and test about the opposite sex. As I was simultaneously learning about the social intricacies of both dating and business, I found a number of interesting similarities in approaching them both. These common points of agreement are at the fundamental, basic level of interpersonal communication. But as you expand out and really focus on meeting the needs of each individual category, they eventually become two entirely different beasts. I’ve really pushed myself throughout the years to better understand people, the choices they make, and the reasons behind those choices. I’ve probably studied enough psychology and sociology to acquire three or four Masters degrees. I’ve experimented on friends and acquaintances without telling them. I’ve kept myself very alert to how people respond to me. I’ve basically done a lot of things that most people simply never bother to do themselves. 23


I’ve tested patterns of behavior. I’ve quietly observed people and their reactions to others. I’ve been four different people in four different jobs. I’ve been two different people in one job. And I know this may sound a little weird, but I’ve been true to myself in every single situation. Because every aspect of myself that I have ever put on display in all of these situations was a genuine representation of who I was and who I am. I simply accentuated different parts at different times.

There’s no substitute for experience I’ve seen it all. Good and bad. I’m not trying to sound funny or conceited when I say I’ve seen women literally fall over with their legs in the air. This isn’t to suggest that I see this on a nightly basis or that I’m guaranteed to summon this kind of situation at will… at this point in my life, I’ve chosen a much calmer and quieter lifestyle. All I’m saying is that I’ve been there and I’ve done that. And now I’m going to teach you all that I’ve learned. But you have to realize that it goes so much further than dating and romance. My definitions of dating and romance probably don’t match yours to begin with. And you have to understand that it goes so much deeper than business. Everyone views success in the business world in their own way, so what you consider wealthy, I might consider just getting started. You have to understand that this journey is about you, and no one else. You have to be willing to experience life in order to really take your charisma to the next level. You only live once anyway, so you might as well enjoy it.

Now that you understand how I’ve accumulated this knowledge, you should also realize how I intend to offer it to you... 24


Since this book is being written by a guy, the content is obviously coming from a guy’s perspective. It’s intimately linked to my own personal view… a view which comes from my own experiences. This is unavoidable. After all, everything I detail in this book needs to ring true and it’s my responsibility to frame the stories and illustrations in a consistent and accurate way. But even though writing the book in this way was something I couldn’t avoid, it was also something that was completely intentional as well. I wanted to write the book in this manner. You see, I know there are a lot of guys who are only reading this book right now because they want to learn how to do better with women. They want to increase their success rate when they attempt to pick a girl up. They want to figure out why they’re not getting past that first date. They want to understand how to sustain a meaningful relationship. So I wanted to present the material in a way that would ensure that those particular readers were taken care of. I wanted to present the content in a way that really benefited that segment of my audience. But I certainly didn’t want to let this goal prevent me from making the material accessible to everyone else. And with these two separate goals competing with each other on how the book would finally be presented, I initially struggled in attempting to find a workable solution to all of this. Luckily, while I was trying to figure out how to keep this style of writing from restricting the reach of the material, something really profound dawned on me. In our society, I’ve noticed an interesting trend in how males and females relate to one another. There’s a certain perception there. A perception, which through repeated recognition and validation, has become an undisputed reality. This perception, which lies at the very heart of Male-Female social dynamics, paints a picture suggesting that it’s almost always the guy who has to prove himself to get with the girl. Watch any movie or TV show, and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. 25


This idea makes the assumption that men are always the ‘pursuers’ and women are always the ‘pursu-ees.’ This skewed look at the dynamic between men and women has unfortunately taken a lot of power from both genders, and that is definitely a shame considering the fact that this view is not a true representation of the facts. Even so, just hearing the word ‘charisma’ gives most people an immediate mental image of a man courting a woman. It always seems to be the men who have to prove themselves worthy of the attention and approval of the women. It always seems that guys are just lucky with anything they can get. As if guys must present themselves in a specific light or they will never succeed in this area. And surprisingly enough, this is a wonderful metaphor to use when examining the purposes behind creating your charisma. As I had stated in the introduction, since it’s really all about acting in a way that will attract and please people, we can use this prevailing ‘guy needs to impress the girl’ view as a standard by which much of the material will be communicated. With that realization in mind, I’ve written a healthy portion of this book specifically for the purposes of improving in this area of life. I’ve provided examples that directly relate to this issue, regardless of whether they are the only kind of example that would have worked for that specific tip or technique. And the best part is that many instances in which I demonstrate how a guy might achieve success in this area will be perfectly applicable to other situations as well. What I’ve done here is especially important considering the fact that men seem to need a lot more insight into this area than women do. Fortunately for those female readers, it won’t be difficult to take this content and apply it toward your own specific circumstances and life experiences.

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And I will of course be sure to make note of any time when a certain method won’t work in other situations. For instance, when a provided technique that a man can use to attract a woman isn’t interchangeable to the point where a woman can use that very same technique to attract a man, I will be very clear about it and offer an alternative solution. And since this book is about more than just ‘guys picking up girls,’ I will obviously be using examples outside of the ‘MaleFemale’ realm anyway. I know there’s a strong demographic looking to this book for nothing more than improving their careers or business. And I really have been very careful to present this content in a way that anyone will be able to gain something from the material, regardless of whether it’s a male or female who wants to do better in love or a male or female who wants to do better in business. No matter who you are, this material has been organized in a format that will reach any and every applicable challenge faced by those who have not yet reached their desired level of social aptitude. Put simply, a true balance of useful material has been presented here.

But since there’s so much here for so many types of people in so many types of situations, allow me to strongly recommend the following…

Read the WHOLE book There is a specific intent behind the sequence of information I’ve provided. So if you’re at a point in the book where you feel the information does not apply to you, or that you know it already, or that you don’t see how it’s relevant to what you want to learn, READ THROUGH IT ANYWAY.

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Everything has been placed in a very specific order so that you will be able to take all the pieces of the puzzle and put them together in the most effective way. Some of the book’s best and most direct content will not come until later. In fact, nearly all of the book’s first half is devoted to ‘inner game’ concepts. Things like how to handle a first date, how to use humor appropriately, and methods for effectively carrying a conversation come in the second half of this book. The wait will be worth it, though. And those first chapters really are essential to the process. I know you want to read the outer game stuff now, but just hang in there with me and read through the set up content first so that you’ll have a lot more of the necessary internal issues taken care of before you apply them for your own needs. It is vital you read this book’s chapters in the order that they are presented to get the most out of the content. There’s a method to this madness, and I want to be sure to provide you with a logical sequence of content that will enhance your knowledge to the very highest level. Trust me.

Pace yourself Since this book is packed with so much content, I should warn you that some people have trouble processing everything all at once. So while I realize that you might want to finish this book in only one or two nights, I’d definitely suggest you pace yourself a little slower than that. This introduction chapter itself has a lot of info, so imagine what the chapters to follow might have in store for you. It might not happen to you personally (everyone takes information in differently), but if you EVER feel like the content in this book is overwhelming you a little, simply slow your pace down to one or two chapters per night. Give yourself as much opportunity as you personally need to digest the information in here. There is A LOT to go through. But it’s all useful, so take your time and enjoy it. 28


Finally, one last thing to keep in mind before you begin…

Make sure you are ready Make no mistake about it… this book is life changing. You’ve made a conscious, deliberate decision and have spent your hardearned money on what I’ve provided. You obviously want this. But there’s a huge difference between wanting it and actually being ready for it. And you know deep down right now if you’re truly ready. The good news is that even if you aren’t truly ready, you can still benefit. But it will require a complete embrace of all the content within this volume. You have to dive in and live it. Most people go out and buy something looking for results and pursuing goals, but then fail to embrace the path by which they can achieve them. They don’t trust in the process. They don’t pour themselves into the work that’s required. What you now hold in your hands is powerful, direct, and simple to understand. But it’s only going to be easy if you go in without any reservations or doubts. The choice is yours. You’re either ready now or you will be. Enough build up. Let’s waste no more time. Let’s do this. Let’s create YOUR charisma.

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Isn’t if funny how easy a charismatic person is to spot? When they walk into the room, you’re immediately magnetized towards them. There’s no mistaking that feeling of being drawn in. That need to be around them. They just have that certain something. This isn’t just about sexual attraction. It can be, but charisma is so much broader than that. It’s the difference maker in the boardroom. It’s the one quality that keeps her coming back. It’s simply the thing that makes you happier when you’re around the person who has it. So spotting someone with charisma is easy. BEING someone with charisma… not so much. Unless you know what makes someone charismatic to begin with. And at the fundamental core of charisma creation, there is one vital quality that all charming people have in common: They understand the power of being who they really are.

The power of YOU As I said in this book’s introduction, everything we’re going to do here really comes down to the attainment of one thing: POWER. The power of YOU. A power through personality. A power for social success. But what you might not realize at this point is that you already HAVE a lot of power. And there’s only one thing that’s been keeping you from it: Awareness. A huge part of this book’s value is that it will offer you a better view and better understanding of who you really are. And that’s obviously an extremely important thing. Because in order to truly be a charming and likable person, you’re first going to have to develop this true understanding of who you are and what you are actually capable of. In one respect, this might seem like a complicated thing, but in truth, it really only requires an understanding of who you aren’t. That’s the key. Because odds are that one of the main reasons you’re not as socially successful as you would like to be is because you’ve created inaccurate 31


assumptions about your place in this world. You’ve held yourself back with an inaccurate set of paradigms, resulting in a psychological foundation plagued with false limits.

False Limits The main reason most people fail to be as charismatic as they could or should be is the simple fact that they’ve imposed false limits on their own ability and potential. People don’t truly realize what they have the ability to do. They don’t even know who they truly are. They walk through life with a distorted perception of what is actually real, and they carry views about themselves which are either incomplete or totally inaccurate. We’re going to detail how some of these misleading views have actually manifested. And through that understanding, combined with the techniques and knowledge offered throughout this book, we’re going to determine how to legitimately eliminate these mental roadblocks and begin to find success in any and all social environments. So let’s get started by examining the main reason you’ve created such false limits for yourself to begin with: Social Conditioning.

Social Conditioning Social conditioning is the programming you’ve unknowingly embraced as a result of all of the things you’ve experienced through external sources of influence. These sources include newspapers, magazines, television, movies, music, family, friends, employers, politicians, advertising, and just about anything else you can think of that is outside of you and has given you any sort of experience. And the more repetition a concept has been brought to your attention, the more influence it has had over you. 32


By sheer nature of how the human mind works, the more that a specific idea or thought has been affirmed to you, the easier you have accepted this idea as absolute truth regardless of its actual validity. This all begins when something happens to you on a physical level. Any time an impression is made on one of your five senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell), it results in a thought developing in your own mind. The ramifications of this on both a conscious and subconscious level are truly mind blowing. Think about this… everything that you have ever experienced has, in one form or another, influenced the way you continue to look at the world around you. A simple yet obvious example is touching a hot stove when you’re young and learning to be extremely cautious of hot things as a result of the pain you felt that first time around. Something more applicable to this book might be the example of being exposed to a high number of movies that depict a guy’s desperate attempts to ‘win the favor’ of a girl he’s interested in. If you’re ever wondering what kind of damage this has done, ask an attractive woman about the craziest thing a guy has ever done to impress her. It’s a pretty safe bet that you’ve seen it in a movie somewhere. And you also probably saw this extreme and ridiculous gesture work like a charm in the film. But do you really think that’s how it works in the real world? Just ask the woman how well it worked. Ask her how this moronic behavior actually felt for her. But don’t be surprised when her answer includes words like ‘confusing,’ ‘stressful,’ or ‘suffocating.’ Obviously, we’ve got ourselves a real problem here.

The problem with Social Conditioning 33


You might be wondering what point I’m trying to make by mentioning a movie about “a guy trying to win over a girl” as an example of what’s wrong with social programming. Well, my point is this: This movie example paints a picture that suggests you should act in a specific manner so that you can get a specific result. But the result that played out in the movie doesn’t reflect real life. And so such sources of “proper” social behavior, it turns out, are not all that proper after all. The multitude of problems this creates can fill a book all on its own. And it’s vital that you learn to identify where and how some of these very same problems might be hindering you. With that in mind, I intend to reveal how social conditioning has severely restricted our potential as interactive and interpersonal beings. Throughout numerous sections in this book, these limits will be referred to either directly or indirectly in order to give you a better clarity of where exactly you’ve been inadvertently holding yourself back. And once you are able to see how you’ve imposed such limits on yourself, you will easily be able to correct the damage that has been done. Remember, this social conditioning is everywhere. This programming has been with you since you were born. And this programming is at the heart of all of your limiting beliefs. It is at the heart of a lie that you’ve unwittingly been living.

Deconstructing the lie Now the above movie example is just that… one mere example. And the context with which it is examined does not even come close to communicating how false limits really affect us. In fact, not only do these external influences teach us to inaccurately behave in a certain way, but they also teach us what we can’t do, who we can’t be, why we don’t fit in, why we have to be a certain way to attain a certain goal, and many other inaccurate and limiting assumptions. 34


People assume that they can’t be the hit at a party if they don’t have something that’s both hilarious and insightful to say every 60 seconds. People assume that they’ll bomb on a date if they don’t show up with flowers and make typical ‘get to know you’ conversation over an expensive dinner. People assume they have to fit one particular mold in order to gain the favor of a client. In short, people assume what they’re told to assume every day of their lives. The problem, as I mentioned earlier, is that if you tell anybody anything enough times, they will eventually believe it. No exceptions. In his book The Mind Accelerator, Taylor Wilson refers to this as “The Maxim of Belief.” Other authors such as Shad Helmstetter and Napoleon Hill have also written about this powerful human psychological tendency, and everyone puts their own spin on it. But if you were to ask me to sum it up in one sentence, I’d simply say this: Your reality is determined by what you focus on (and believe in) with both feeling and conviction. The ‘feeling and conviction’ part of this statement is HUGE. It’s the emotional connection to the thoughts you have that carry their influence over your subconscious mind, and therefore, influence the thoughts that mold your beliefs. Those beliefs, in turn, lead to the behavior that gets your results. And when you think about it, you realize that the movies you’ve been watching, the television you’ve been exposed to, the people in your life you’ve admired, and many other sources of external stimuli have all delivered information to you in a way that has connected with you emotionally. And that’s why your current thoughts and behaviors are so deeply ingrained. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, while this truth has been used against you for a very long time, this can actually be a good thing for you since you now realize that you can use this powerful aspect of human psychology for your own benefit. 35


If you’re interested in learning more about this, you might want to seek out the authors I mentioned above, or better yet, you might want to read a book that I personally wrote on the subject called A Revolution in Thought – Keys to Accessing Your Internal Tools for Success. The book details the effects created by the subconscious mind and how to decide what those effects might be. But for the purposes of this book, let’s just say that what we are exposed to has a huge impact on what we think of ourselves along with how we respond to the world around us. In some more subtle ways throughout this book, I’ll be sure to detail more aspects of this impact and offer an approach that will help make your results more favorable. One way in particular to overcoming the limits you’ve imposed on yourself is to simply be true to who you are regardless of how you’ve been told to think and act in the past. Think back to all the times you’ve placated others and carried yourself in a way you thought these people wanted you to. Did you notice how you still found it frustrating dealing with them despite playing it their way? Maybe you weren’t the problem to begin with. Maybe you would have had more success if you just behaved in a way that reflected your true feelings about the world around you. Maybe if you had done so, you would have realized that is where your power truly lies.

To acquire the power you seek, you must embrace who you are One of the primary reasons people struggle so much in various social situations is because they operate under the assumption of what others might want from them, rather than just being who they are. Take a close look at those people who you personally feel are charismatic.

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One of the more obvious things you might notice about them is that they are opinionated. They don’t automatically go in a certain direction just because everyone else is going that way. Odds are that everyone else is following them instead. These people march to the beat of their own drummer, and if others want to march along with them, then so be it. Now this isn’t to say that you have to shove your views down the throats of everyone around you. That’s taking things too far, and will more likely offend others who are content with their own perspective on life. But what I am trying to communicate here is that regardless of whether they need others to agree with them or not, charismatic people always have their own preferences. They carry their own opinions and judgments about the people and circumstances around them. And how can you tell this? Because it’s obvious. Because charismatic people don’t hide behind their views. They embrace them. Their behavior is always a direct and clear reflection of what they are thinking and feeling. This notion brings us directly into the next chapter, where we will detail the tried and true concept of congruency. But before we do that, I want to say one thing… Throughout this book, I will criticize the affect that external sources of influence such as TV and movies have on us. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still enjoy them. I actually plan to use a couple of examples which demonstrate TV revealing a truth about human behavior rather than a lie. So I don’t want you to feel like you have now give up the things you’ve been enjoying in life in order to be more charismatic. All I’m saying is you should be aware of what you are watching, and what kinds of messages they might be filling your head up with. Keep that in mind as you proceed to the next portion of this book.

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At the very core of charisma creation is the concept of congruency.

The key of being CONGRUENT The majority of this chapter’s content will delve into one of the most important concepts you are going to have to learn in order to turn yourself into somebody who is genuinely charismatic. Without it, not only will you lack the fundamental belief in yourself that is required for engaging in proper charismatic behavior, but by result, others will find a lot of difficulty having confidence in you as well. This essential part of the entire charisma equation, one that will literally lay the foundation of your ability to attract others, is a little concept known as congruency.

Be the true YOU Congruency means being consistent with who you really are regardless of the situation and circumstances you are placed in. A quick definition check of the word ‘congruent’ will lead you to the word ‘accordant.’ Look up the word ‘accordant’ and you find the word ‘harmonious.’ And that is what congruency is all about. It represents a harmony between the impression of yourself that you are projecting to others and your authentic internal motivations. Being congruent simply means that your words and actions match your underlying thoughts and feelings. Most people hear the word ‘congruent’ and think back to their school days when their math teacher would describe an agreement of numbers. This concept of agreement holds true for our use of the word as well.

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Remember earlier in this book when I noted that you’re only going to get the most out of this material by being a genuine and good person? That’s because the only way to be successful is to be congruent. The only way others will respect you (which is obviously an essential prerequisite to charisma) is if you’re REAL. And so… the only way to give the appearance that you have favorable qualities… is to actually have those qualities (or at least be in the process of developing them). When you give the impression to someone that you’re trying to be helpful, they’re only going to buy into it if you’re actually trying to be helpful. If you’re making a promise to a client about the quality of a product, your only real chance of convincing that client to trust you will depend on YOU actually believing in the quality of that product yourself. So, taking this a step further… When you act self-assured… when you put forth the impression that you are in control of your emotions… when you act comfortable around a member of the opposite sex… or when you try to convey any other impression to the people around you, it will only go over effectively and actually convince those people IF the qualities you put on display are a true reflection of who you are. Only by cultivating the right kinds of beliefs and (by result) internally modifying your behavioral operating system, can you legitimately appear to be the things you want to be in the eyes of whoever it is you’re trying to convince. This, of course, only leaves one real question: how does one actually become congruent with the qualities they wish to have?

How to make yourself CONGRUENT At this point, you might be a little worried about how you can actually begin to become the person you want to be. You might be concerned about your chances since the qualities you want to have are not yet a part of who you really are. You’re most likely 40


wondering how you can even hope to start such a challenging and ambitious process. This is where most people fail. If they don’t see how they’re going to be able to do something, they don’t even bother to start. It seems literally impossible from their early vantage point, so they see no reason to press on. But the thing you have to remember is that it’s not as hard to start ‘becoming’ what you want to be as you think it may be. In fact, it’s an extremely easy and simple process. Your ability to identify positive qualities in others is all you really need in order to begin using a technique that will get you those very same qualities for yourself. I call this technique ‘In Their Shoes.’

In Their Shoes I love naming techniques after clichés. Sure, I don’t look too original, but I’m really not that concerned about impressing you with my words here. I’m concerned with giving you all the tools you’ll need to build your social skill set and enhance the positive aspects of your personality. With that said, ‘In Their Shoes’ means exactly what the title implies. It means you mentally put yourself in the place of someone who already has the personality traits that you wish to have yourself. Seems too simple to really be effective, right? That’s what most people think in the beginning. However, just like it was for them, the real impact that is made through applying this technique might not be so apparent to you at the very beginning. Let me assure you, however, that the progress you make through the proper and consistent use of this technique will astound you. So to further clarify this for you, when I say to go ‘In Their Shoes,’ I’m simply instructing you to find someone who has certain personality traits that you would like to have yourself… and try to imagine what it would be like to really have those qualities. 41


You have to actually stop and ask yourself: “How would I act if I were as confident as Pete?” “What would I say if I were as witty as Chris?” “How would it FEEL to be in Bruce’s shoes and actually HAVE his clarity of thought?” “What would I say?” “How would I carry myself?” “Who would I speak to?” “When would I act?” “What would I do??” On the surface, this seems like childish and hopeless daydreaming, but that’s only because you don’t understand how the human mind truly works. As I suggested in the last chapter, you are nothing more than a product of the beliefs, thoughts, actions, and results that you yourself have habituated! But that doesn’t mean that your subconscious mind (which sees through all the distortions in your perceived reality) doesn’t know how to be anything else that you could ever dream of.

If the mind can recognize it, it can become it You have to realize that the mere fact that you can consciously identify a sense of humor in someone else means that you can demonstrate one yourself. If you are truly able to understand humor and perceive its impact, then you are able to employ your own use of it, even if you don’t think you’re all that funny right now. Because when you begin asking yourself how it would ‘feel’ to be something, you are accessing a part of yourself that legitimately exists and you are triggering activity within the most ardent regions of your own independent mind. The fact that you can envision what it would be like to be a certain way automatically lays the foundation of beliefs and thoughts that can lead to behavior that really will make you that way. 42


The key to this process is in manufacturing the feelings you might experience if you were actually in their shoes. It’s almost as if you’re an actor playing a role. And the great thing is that as soon as you manufacture these feelings, you provide your mind with a new and better blueprint for behavior. You essentially give your mind the option of a new behavioral pattern. The mind reinforces whatever it experiences. So while you may not think you’re very funny RIGHT NOW, by allowing your mind to continuously and consistently ‘feel’ what it would be like to be funny, you will start to create actual physical connections in your own mind… and these connections will eventually enable to you to behave in a way that really will make others laugh.

We’re looking at a real psychological process There’s actually a psychological process that occurs when the same experiences, real or simulated, are repeatedly felt by the subconscious mind. The brain always needs to create a point of reference for itself. Every new experience that it files needs to be anchored by ‘truths’ that the brain has already categorized as being ‘real’. So the feeling of being funny, for example, might be anchored to one of those rare occasions where you actually were funny in a situation, even if you don’t remember it. So when you manufacture the feelings of being funny and you somehow make another humorous comment in a social situation soon after, your brain takes that experience and connects it with any other prior occasions in which it remembers you being funny. The same thing will happen again the next time you make another humorous remark. And then it will happen again. And again. And again. And as you continue to generate these new experiences, they take on a life and a momentum of their own. And all of a sudden, being funny (or whatever else it might be that you were simulating through feeling) will truly become your natural, comfortable, and most importantly, consistent mode of reality. 43


Some experts refer to this process as the Law of Associative Memory, and while there’s a lot of information available on the subject, you can find a quick and convenient explanation of it by simply checking out the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? So as I suggested earlier, by making yourself feel a certain way through the kinds of questions I listed a few pages back, you will be engaging in deliberate and conscious action. But the behavior it automatically leads to will not rely on your conscious effort. It’ll just emerge naturally. If every day for the next 30 days you ask yourself what it would really be like to be ‘in their shoes’… and you really think about how it would actually feel… you will start to drift into that actual feeling… and then you WILL see results. Let’s look one more time at the example of wanting to be more humorous. You might not be knocking them dead on day 7, but by day 25, you might suddenly notice yourself throw out a timely quip in whatever conversation you’re in at that moment. It will feel almost effortless. You won’t know how you really did it. But the evidence will be right there for you. You’ll know that you’re making progress. And then, as the Law of Associative Memory stipulates, you’ll do the same thing a couple of days later. And again days later. And again and again… and more reinforcement for your mind… and again and… and, well, you see where this is going.

This really is all about basic human psychology Think about it. Why do the rich get richer and the poor get poorer? Because the manner in which they have programmed themselves to behave (even if they’re unaware that they have done so) has led to the results that they experience in their daily lives. It all fits together a lot more sensibly than you might initially expect it to. 44


Look up the term ‘prosperity consciousness’ online. You might be astonished by what you read and learn.

It’s a lot more than just ‘words’ Now when I talk about behavior, I’m not just talking about words, here… I’m talking about everything. Everything about you, including your body language, you eye contact, your vocal inflection, and whatever else… will be a true reflection of your desired traits. Every piece of the puzzle will come together, and you won’t even realize that you’re doing it. It will be completely natural. Every aspect of you (which reflects what you manually trained your mind to project) will come forth without any conscious effort. It will simply be the next logical step. That’s how it will feel. That’s how it will be. Trust me. Your mind is A LOT more capable than you might think it is. It really can do what I’ve been telling you. Don’t believe me? Well, put my words to the test and experiment for yourself. You’ll quickly discover the immensely powerful truth behind my words. Go ‘in their shoes’ when you see somebody who’s as funny as you would like to be. Go ‘in their shoes’ when you see someone who’s better with the opposite sex than you are. Go ‘in their shoes’ when you see someone carry a flawless and interesting conversation. And for those of you who really want to guarantee success, take my advice when you spot somebody whose shoes you’d like to walk in, and take DETAILED mental notes!

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Pay close attention If you see a guy who’s great with woman, don’t just try to make up a story to yourself of what it would be like to be him. Actually pay attention to the way he acts… and then simulate feelings based on that actual behavior. For example, say you see a guy collect ten phone numbers in one night, and you obviously want to be able to do the very same thing. Well, manufacturing the feelings of getting ten numbers in one night will help you, but if you REALLY want to take things to the next level, you might want to pay close attention to his behavior and ask yourself “what exactly is he doing that’s making him successful?” You may notice one girl refuse to give him her cell phone number, but offer her secondary phone instead. What does he do? He says ‘no, thank you’ and moves on. He’s not interested in this girl’s game. He’s not interested in leaving a message on a phone she rarely checks. Experience has already taught him that he’s better than that. His refusal to accept a bad number clearly demonstrates that he is not needy. It communicates that he’s not overly invested in the outcome of this one individual situation because he knows he’s already got more numbers in his pocket than most guys get in a year. So the feeling you want to simulate might not necessarily be “getting ten phone numbers.” Instead, you might want to imagine how it would feel to not be intimidated, not be needy, not be dependent on the outcome, and not be worried about how many numbers you’re going to end up with. Those feelings will then anchor in your brain with the right kinds of words, body language, eye contact, inflection, and everything else that will create an overall charismatic representation of who you are… a representation that will actually result in the ten phone numbers you wanted. With that said, let’s talk a little more about what congruency actually does for you… 46


How being CONGRUENT impacts your results Since we’re already on the topic of getting numbers, let’s take a hypothetical comparison between two men at a night club on a Friday night. Actually, the only thing that makes it hypothetical is the fact that I’m mentioning this without a specific person in mind. The situation I’m about to describe happens every day. Let’s say the two guys spot a very attractive female at the other side of the bar. The first guy just finished reading a best-selling book on surefire pickup lines. He decides on a line from the book that he memorized and heads on over to the girl. There’s just one problem. The reason he bought the book in the first place is that he has absolutely no confidence in his own ability to get a woman’s phone number. So he’s armed with this fantastic pickup line, but he’s hampered by his own emotional baggage. His body language screams ‘wuss.’ His eyes tell the story of an amateur. And as soon as he opens his mouth, the girl immediately picks up on the lack of congruency between his voice and his words. Since she’s able to read him pretty easily, she immediately writes him off as just another pathetic and desperate wannabe. And that’s the end of his story as he retreats from the scene of his humiliation, high-tails it back to the other side of the bar, and slumps into his seat. There he sits… dejected, confused, and frustrated that his surefire line got him nowhere. What he unfortunately failed to realize is that there is absolutely nothing he could have said that would have saved him. He had no charm. He had no charisma. And no line in the world could ever make up for that. The second guy, on the other hand, doesn’t buy books on pickup lines. He doesn’t need to. He knows who he is. He knows he’s a great catch. 47


This guy knows that in the unlikely event that the woman isn’t interested, he’ll still get numbers from at least five other women before the night is out. There’s not one hint of desperation in his walk, his posture, his face, his voice, or his energy. His pickup line for starting a conversation with this girl is a simple “Hi.” Needless to say, she’s putty in his hands. And that’s simply because his internal confidence is congruent, or in harmony, with his external representation of himself. He easily communicates all the right things because all those right things are a natural part of who he really is. They’re directly in line with the truth of his essential character. Basically, prior to ever approaching this girl (or any other girl for that matter), he made the effort to work on himself and develop all the favorable qualities that would lead to success in whatever social environment he was confronted with. And when the time was right, that proper behavior manifested itself automatically. Good or bad, it always does. How did he do it? By going ‘in their shoes.’ By asking himself “how would I carry myself if some stranger’s opinion of me really didn’t matter at all?” Or “how would I approach a girl if I knew I was walking home with a handful of numbers regardless of this one specific outcome?” “How would I really FEEL?” “How would I really behave as a result of those feelings??” “Would I place an unnecessary weight on the outcome of this one event or would I be completely detached from whatever the outcome might turn out to be?” So go ‘in their shoes.’ Embrace the charismatic ‘you’ that you want to be. Manufacture the feelings that reflect the traits you wish to have. And your brain, powered by a limitless subconscious mind, will do the rest.

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And remember… only through congruency will you be able to present yourself in the most favorable way. Only by allowing your actions to be dictated by your true tendencies and preferences (not the ones you think other people expect you to have) will you be able to carry yourself in a way that magnetizes others toward you. So let’s take a look at what really defines your true nature…

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Being charismatic means being who you are. Let’s be clear about something here. Men and women are different. That’s just the way it is. It’s such a simple statement, yet it’s often so easily misunderstood. So let me clarify… When I say that men and women are different, it simply means that men and women… are different. These differences should be celebrated, embraced, and appreciated. It’s good that there are differences. It adds to the diversity in the world. And diversity, whether you love it or hate it, definitely makes things a lot more interesting. But my saying that men and women are in fact different in certain ways is meant to lead me into a very important point regarding charisma creation. And that point is this: when it comes to some aspects of what makes a person appealing, you have to work with who you already are. You have to recognize the value of whatever gender you happen to be. And through that recognition, you have to understand that in certain situations there’s a REAL difference between what’s going to work for MEN and what’s going to work for WOMEN. So when it comes to creating YOUR charisma…

Embrace your gender role Just to be clear, I want to note that this isn’t about being gender biased. This isn’t suggesting one gender is more important than the other, or that one party in a relationship should own the other. This is simply about understanding roles. In football, a wide receiver and a running back can both catch the ball. And they can both run with it as well. But they both have two very different jobs, each with specifically defined parameters. It’s the same for men and women in their natural conduct around others.

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To make my point a little clearer, let me give all the guys reading this a simple bit of advice: It is NOT your job to cry at movies. It is NOT your job to be overly in touch with your emotions. It’s NOT your job to compromise your masculinity in any way, even if you think it’s a requirement for getting or staying in a relationship. It is not only one’s right, but one’s responsibility to embrace their masculinity or femininity. It’s a natural part of who you are. And in case you haven’t figured it out yet, you should not be hiding from who you are. You should be inviting that part of your personality in. Being a man or a woman should be reflected in everything about you as an individual, from the way you speak to the way you dress to the tone of your voice to anything and everything else about you. There is a genuinely alluring and captivating quality about someone who embraces their gender. And it’s this very quality that elicits attraction from members of the opposite sex. Put simply, in order for you to be the most attractive, the most appealing, and the most charismatic that you can possibly be, you must carry a genuine pride and embrace your individual role as a man or a woman. To help clarify this, I want you to think about the type of men and women you are personally drawn to (we’re not just talking about a sexual attraction, which is why both genders apply… but physical attraction should still of course be a consideration). Think about the qualities they have. Think about the way they carry themselves. Every step they take and every word that comes out of their mouth is an automatic representation of a person who is confident in who they are. You don’t need to ask how, why, or even IF this is done, because when you’re around someone like that, you simply FEEL it. There’s absolutely no mistaking it.

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When men are happy, content, and appreciative of being men, they act a certain way automatically. And by result, people naturally enjoy being around them thanks to that wonderful concept of congruency we explored in the last chapter. The same goes for women. Now I’m not talking about thinking your gender is better than the other one. I’m not talking about you thinking you’re superior. I’m simply talking about fully embracing who you are. This doesn’t mean that you HAVE to like football if you’re a guy. It simply means that it’s okay. It means you should never have to apologize for it. And you should never apologize for anything else that comes naturally to you either (like your interest in physical contact, for instance). Now we’re not just talking about dating and romance here. The dynamics I’m alluding to also exist in business situations and office environments. It is, of course, to a much more subtle extent. But the fact remains that people who are the most charismatic are those very same people who are happy to be who they really are. And that has everything to do with whether they are a man or a woman. Look at the types of people around you who are well-liked in the office. Think about what their behavior says about them. Take note of that natural confidence... that innate comfort. It’s unmistakable. And it’s highly appealing. So be who you are. Think about the kinds of social situations you’ve been faced with in the past and ask yourself if your gender played a role in how you behaved around others. I’m confident you’ll easily be able to remember times when it did. I’m also sure you can think back to times when you behaved in a way that was contradictory to who you feel you really are… simply because you’ve been taught to do so by external sources of influence in our society.

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You should never allow society to dictate your behavior if it doesn’t feel like a true reflection of you With the understanding that we’ve allowed social trends to dictate the way we behave in relation to whatever gender we belong to, let’s take a closer look at the real fundamental differences between men and women from an attraction standpoint. And in order to do that, we must realize something that most people easily overlook: you can’t control what others are placing an emphasis on when they first meet you. All you can do is realize what it is that you are being judged on and make sure that you’ve cultivated that specific quality to be at its very best. For instance, have you ever thought about what tools you are actually working with when you’re making that first impression?

What sparks initial attraction? There is a very real distinction between what men find attractive and what women are drawn to. And hardly anyone has a clue of what that distinction truly is. You believe what your parents condition you to believe. You believe what the media programs you to believe. You buy into ideals presented in some lame movie that was written by some pathetic Hollywood hack. All of these external sources are nothing more than social conditioning. And they have just about no merit when compared to the hundreds of thousands of years of genetic programming currently operating inside of you.

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Our true nature is written in our genetic code In truth, we are nothing more than slaves to our genes. Our true mission in life, from an evolutionary standpoint at least, is to procreate and maintain the existence of our species. Because of this, the design of our basic attraction mechanism has absolutely no use for conscious decisions or self-control. Think about it. Do you really believe that the ability to rationally discern whether somebody else might be a suitable mate for you is in the best interests of your genes? Our genes know nothing of overpopulation. They know nothing of the starving children in the world. They know nothing of the consequences of irresponsible sexual behavior. They know only one thing: abundance. They know only one goal: survival. So understand me when I say that while social conditioning reflects what we would sensibly want in a mate, our genetic conditioning overrides that almost entirely. And the people who understand this are the ones who are the most successful with members of the opposite sex. Are we influenced to some extent by our social tendencies? Yes. Are those tendencies ever going to be more powerful than our unconscious impulses? No. So let’s delve into what men and woman really want in a mate. Let’s talk about what they really find “attractive.” Overall, it’s actually pretty basic. The emphasis of what a man finds attractive in a woman is based on what he accesses via his visual cortex… which is pretty much just a fancy way of saying that a man cares most about what he physically sees. This is true especially in the beginning of a relationship before he’s had a chance to assess a woman’s other qualities. By contrast, the emphasis of what a woman finds attractive in a man is based on how she feels in his presence. Or to put it another way, the main tool a man utilizes in winning over a potential mate is his personality.

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A ‘real’ man who exudes confidence and self-control is always going to stand out more in a woman’s eyes than a man who is unassertive and weak, EVEN if the weaker guy is more physically attractive. A real man who carries himself in a certain way, regardless of his physical appearance, is always going be more successful. By contrast, the amount of stress, drama, headaches, or any other hurdles a man will face in his mate if he finds her physically appealing is shockingly high. It’s certainly not based on logic. So there you have it. Men initially care most about looks. Women initially care most about personality. Can it really be that simple? Well, yes… and no. There’s obviously a little more to it than that. Most people hear it put to them in this matter-offact way and they automatically make certain predictable, yet inaccurate assumptions. They think looks for women and personality for men are everything. But those qualities are really only the predominant aspect that makes each gender appealing… especially in those early interactions. So you want to use this knowledge and understanding to your advantage, but you certainly don’t want to rule out the necessity for other favorable qualities in each gender. Unless you plan on having every relationship in your life (both romantic and platonic) last only five minutes, of course. This aspect of MaleFemale dynamics is being communicated to you simply so that you can use it to your benefit when initially establishing contact with someone for either dating or business, and so that you can take note that there really are differences between the way each gender naturally operates. Only by understanding that there are difference can you embrace them. And only through embracing them will you have that vital magnetic appeal.

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In any case, I’ve probably written a little more than necessary regarding the need to embrace who you really are as it pertains to your masculinity or femininity. But that is only because an overwhelming number of people are so quick to ignore this essential aspect of who they are. And when you ignore who you are, you devalue yourself. And when you devalue yourself, you become pathetic, weak, and needy. Once that happens, you suddenly turn into the type of person who requires approval and validation from others. And that is definitely something you do not want to become if you have any real intentions of enhancing your social aptitude and creating your charisma. It is this very topic that we will further explore in the chapter to follow…

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One of the more interesting aspects of social dynamics can be seen in the results that we get when we attempt to be our very best in any specific area of life. Let’s talk about that for a moment. Let’s talk about how being your best, or failing to do so, makes a true impact on the type of life you live. There is a fundamental truth about the way human beings relate to one another… one that the majority of people are not aware of. And that truth is this: If you are not at your best, or at least striving to be at your best, people will subconsciously resent you for it. Go back and reread that sentence right now. It is one of the most vital and insightful pieces of information in this entire book. People will only really appreciate you if you are the very best you can possibly be. And they’ll only trust and respect you if your actions demonstrate a certain concern over your own welfare. Unfortunately, most of us usually think the opposite is true. We think others will resent us for being great. We think others will not accept us if we’re successful. But that’s only a misinterpretation of their behavior. In truth, those who are bitter are really unhappy with themselves for not reaching as high as they could in their own lives, and their response is simply a distorted and poorly aimed shot at themselves. And it’s no wonder their aim is so poor… they’re of the minority on this planet… the pathetic few who are petty enough to react poorly to success. But they are only the minority. And what they think doesn’t matter much at all. But again, most of us don’t realize this. We don’t understand that anyone who can’t truly accept us at our best doesn’t belong in our life anyway. And that is why so many of us never enjoy as much success as we should. We don’t realize that only by being your best will you inspire genuine appreciation from others. Is it any wonder that athletes, musicians, and other celebrities are so revered in our society? Especially at times when they don’t even deserve it?? The truth is obvious. People love a winner. 59


It is your job to be great. It is your responsibility, to yourself and to the world, to be your very best. That’s the truth. Because people fundamentally prefer abundance. If the Wright brothers weren’t great, we’d still be looking up at birds in the sky with an extreme sense of envy. If Bill Gates wasn’t great, you’d be stuck on the latest version of DOS. Then again, if Bill Gates wasn’t great, you wouldn’t even have DOS. And this is nothing to say of the unique contributions of people like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Bruce Lee, Martin Luther King, Michael Jordan, and countless others. If this world had not been inhabited by great people, where would we be?? All of the lack you see in the world is really just more of the social programming and conditioning we’ve pushed onto ourselves through ignorance. But if you want to know what qualities are truly admired in people… the qualities that make them truly charismatic… think about the type of people you look up to: Sure of themselves. Good at what they do. Happy with who they are. And always striving to achieve great things. There is nothing wrong with this. There’s nothing wrong with being this way. It’s the only way to be. Why would anyone want to be humble? Why would anyone want to be meek? I personally know someone who doesn’t make as much money as he would like simply because he’s scared of how others would react to that success. He’s actually worried that his friends won’t like him anymore if he does better for himself. He actually believes they’d turn on him if he had ‘the audacity’ to enjoy a higher standard of living than they do. And there are many people who have that very same fear. But this fear is nothing more than a self-imposed illusion. We’ve built up these ridiculous imaginary walls that are completely irrelevant. And the foundation of many of them lies in our fear of what others think about us.

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As social creatures, we allow the thoughts and opinions of others to carry an incredible amount of weight on the decisions we make. We allow others, who are basing their opinions on their own specific realities, to decide what’s right or wrong for us despite their ignorance of what we’re actually going through. Bringing me to one of the largest obstacles to social success you will ever have to overcome: Seeking approval from others. Let me paint a scenario for you. Two people in the very same environment, sharing the very same challenges and expectations. One of them is very concerned about what other people think of him. Rather than staying true to himself, he’s on a constant mission to prove his worth to others. He allows their expectations of him to dictate his actions. And he suffers a complete implosion as a result. Worse yet, he inspires people to find even more faults with him that weren’t even actually there. He attracts nothing but resentment, and he constantly finds himself trying to dig his way out of a hole that gets deeper with every passing moment. The other person, on the other hand, is extremely self-assured. He doesn’t worry about anything outside of himself. Because he knows that the only thing he has legitimate control over… is what he himself does. And because the only thing he controls is his own behavior, that is the only thing he focuses on or concerns himself with. And as a result, he thrives. He enjoys the love, respect, and unwavering support of those around him. Have you ever seen a case of two people just like this one? Of course you have. For three years, it was a recurring theme in the sports pages of New York newspapers (2004-2006). Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter. What makes New York such a different sports town from the many others? To sum it up in four words: more people to please. It’s the heat of the stage that separates great athletic performances in a New York uniform from performances in that of any other. And in no uniform is the pressure higher or more intense than for 61


the most successful franchise in sports history: The New York Yankees. Alex Rodriguez’s troubles, which were apparently a result of his need to please others, have become legendary at this point. Reporters were known to complain that he was too ‘polished’ when he gave cookie-cutter answers to their questions. Fans complained that his mannerisms on the field seemed ‘forced’ and overstated (hello again, congruency). Teammates complained that he lacked the necessary fire to be a force in New York. And poor A-Rod himself was caught constantly contradicting himself in order to make others happy. One day, he’d say the fans reactions didn’t bother him at all. The next, he’d admit they’re all he could think about. One day he’d hit a homerun. The next day he’d strike out on every at-bat because of the self-imposed pressure to repeat the prior day’s performance. All of Alex Rodriguez’s problems were a result of his need to have others like him and of the artificial pressure he put on himself as a result. Think about this… during that period of time, he had a no-trade clause. For any non-sports fans out there, this simply means that the Yankees couldn’t trade him to another team without his permission. And yet he STILL remained the center of trade rumors following his third consecutive postseason failure. That says a lot. The bottom line is this. Alex Rodriguez, in my opinion and the opinion of many others, was desperate to be liked by the fans and media of New York. And ironically, due to his behavior that emerged as a result of this desperation, he was actually one of the most disliked players instead. So where does someone like you fit into the context of this example? Well, think about any and all relationships you might have. If you have this burning need to please whomever it is you’re dating, then you might want to reevaluate your standards and see if their demands are really worth the trouble. 62


If you’re in an office where you let everyone walk all over you because you think that will make them your friends, you better think again. There’s a huge difference between appreciation and pity. And if people only see you as a brownnoser, you can pretty much jot yourself down on their pity list. If you’re playing the “nice guy who doesn’t have any interest in a sexual relationship, and only cares about a woman’s personality,” …and then you’re wondering why you’re not getting past a first or second date with her, maybe you ought to respect a woman’s intelligence enough to realize that she already knows you’re interested in taking things to a physical level. And by pretending otherwise, you’re demonstrating a shame in who you are, a lack of confidence in your ability to be the man you want to be, and an inability to value yourself enough to realize that you’re entitled to a physical relationship with a woman (as long as it’s consensual). Why do so many people hate kiss-asses? And fake wannabes? And posers of any kind? Because it’s so demeaning. It’s so demoralizing to watch. People don’t want to witness this kind of behavior for the same reason they don’t want to see a murder… it reminds them that humans have the capacity for that kind of pathetic behavior. And they don’t want to think for a second that this very same pathetic tendency might live inside of them. They don’t want to know that they’ve been guilty of it themselves at some point. And they certainly don’t want to realize that others might have noticed in them the very same pitiful behavior that they’ve just identified in someone else. Alex Rodriguez should have been welcoming the boos. He should have been striking out for a week on purpose just to get it out of his system. He should have encouraged the New York media to be even more malicious toward him. And I’m not saying that he should have been doing all of this to send a message to those around him. I’m saying that he should have been doing all of this to send a message to himself.

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He should have been sending himself the message that he doesn’t need anyone else’s approval. He should have been sending himself the message that the only opinion of him that matters is his own. And if you ask me, the reason why he didn’t actually taken this approach is the very same reason he was seeking approval in the first place… he was desperate for attention.

Don’t be desperate for attention Being desperate for attention is the real reason people seek approval. As social creatures, we tend to require validation from the people around us. Why do you think so many football players have those elaborate touchdown celebrations? Those touchdown dances aren’t spontaneous expressions of joy. They’re rehearsed routines designed to get air time on ESPN. Why do you think celebrities are so dramatic? They’re so used to getting their way, that when others don’t cooperate, it’s time for another hissy-fit. Why do you think someone who’s been dumped by their boyfriend or girlfriend will cause an embarrassing scene in public when they run into their ex? Because they need some kind of indication that the other person still notices them. They need some kind of recognition that they still exist. The problem with needing attention and seeking approval is simple: By engaging in the type of behavior that mirrors those feelings, you forfeit your own personal power. You create a dependency on others. And when you do that, you forfeit any respect others may have had for you. Yes, you’re being noticed. But for all the wrong reasons. And you’re leaving a negative impression of yourself that you’ll never live down. Moral of the story: being desperate for attention gets you the wrong kind.

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Your attitude toward approval from others should simply be: “Oh, I’ll accept their approval. Hell, I’ll even appreciate it. But I certainly won’t need it. I never need it.” And that’s the real difference. It’s the question of whether you like it or need it. Liking it simply means you enjoy it and you still have power. Needing it means you can’t live without it and so you’re powerless. I’ll put this as simply as I can: you should never need the approval of others. Why shouldn’t you need their approval? I really want you to stop and think about that. It’s the reason behind your not needing other people’s approval that is going to give you that necessary paradigm shift. It’s that very reason that’s going to make you exponentially stronger inside. And it’s that reason that will also make you A LOT more charismatic as well. So let me tell you why I personally don’t need others to approve of me. I don’t need others to approve of me because I already know I’m a great person. Simple as that. Now this isn’t some weird mantra or some random lie I keep telling myself. I actually make a point of proving this greatness to myself time and again. I’m not kidding here. I’ve been on this world for nearly three decades, and while we could all always stand to learn a few more things, I’ve definitely already built up enough of a solid inventory of past experiences to support the knowledge of my positive attributes. For example…

What I know about who I am I know based on past experiences that when someone’s in trouble, I’m going to help them. I know this because that’s exactly what I’ve done. That’s simply the type of guy I am. This isn’t bragging, but even if it was, you couldn’t really fault me for it. After all, wanting to help other people is an admirable quality. 65


I also know based on past experiences that the work I do actually helps others. Why? Because they’ve told me as much. Not that I really needed them to. I already knew. But because I did such a good job, they were only more than happy to affirm it for me. And one of the coolest things about this is that the more I help others, the better I seem to get at it. Which makes me even more reliable. Which makes me even more of a lock to deliver the next time out. I know that if a woman doesn’t like me, it’s HER problem. Because while it’s true that I tend tease a bit, and bust balls at times, and push buttons here and there… it is NEVER in a malicious fashion. So if a woman can’t handle that, she’s got no sense of humor. And who wants a date with that? Who wants a relationship with that? Who wants a marriage with that? I don’t care how hot she is. If she’s so uptight that my personality it too much for her, then she can’t handle me. And if she can’t handle me, she’s not worth my time. And why the hell would I ever care about what someone who wasn’t worth my time thought of me? Does this sound harsh? It really shouldn’t. I never said I carry any ill will towards anyone who doesn’t appreciate me. I simply communicated that I don’t have room for their kind in my life. And for anyone who doesn’t want to be a part of mine, I wish them all the happiness and success in the world. More power to them. Really. Maybe we’ll meet again one day when one or both of us is a little more mature. But this is how it is with me. I don’t allow myself to ‘need’ the approval of others. I don’t depend on it for one moment. And if you carry that very same approach, you will be astonished by the doors that open up for you. You will be absolutely shocked at how members of the opposite sex respond to you. And you will be in awe of how colleagues and clients treat you as well.

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I do care, however Now let me clarify one thing here. This doesn’t mean I don’t care. There’s a huge difference between wanting to be liked and needing to be liked. The reason I can so easily free myself of the NEED for other people’s approval is because I genuinely try to do right by every person I encounter in life. If I think someone deserves it, I will bend over backwards for them. I will be there for them. I will be my best for them. Because I’m already being my best for myself. With that in mind… I know that I always give everything I have for my clients. Not because I need their approval, but because I take pride in my work. And because I realize that they deserve true value from my work since they paid for it. I know that when I turn over my hard-earned cash to a professional for their specific service, I expect their very best. And so when someone hires me, I give them MY very best. It’s not about being liked. It’s about being helpful. Being liked is just a pleasant logical result. But it’s not the motivation behind my action. That’s the key. Finally, I know based on past experiences that when I’m in the room and I choose to engage others, they’re going to have a really good time. And I enjoy being the person who makes others have a good time. I enjoy making them laugh. I enjoy making them smile. Not because I want them to like me (although I’m obviously fine with it). But simply because that’s the type of person I am. Being human means you enjoy the laughter of others. Being human means that when others around you are happy, that their happiness can rub off on you and have a positive effect on your own mood. This is about creating a win-win situation for everyone involved. And that’s something I’ve become very capable of… simply because I know what I know about me. 67


What does Alex know about Alex? Getting back to Alex Rodriguez, it should be noted that following those first three difficult years in New York, Alex made some interesting comments to the media right before the start of the 2007 season. Without going into unnecessary specifics, I’ll simply tell you that the things he said indicated a decision on his part to no longer worry as much about what others thought of him. Not too long after those comments, he enjoyed one of the greatest April performances a player has ever put up in the history of the sport, and ended up having one of his best seasons ever. Proof positive of what a simple shift in attitude can do when it comes to seeking approval from others and knowing who you really are. Bringing me to my next question…

What do you know about YOU? I suggest you take a close look at yourself and try to identify the many reasons that you are great. I’m serious about this. You might be shocked at how many reasons you actually come up with. You might be pleasantly surprised. That said, you’re probably reading all of this (and agreeing how this viewpoint can lead to those very same advantageous results for yourself), but you’re thinking there’s just one small problem: “Andrew, I don’t actually feel that way about myself, so how am I supposed to apply that very same perspective to my success??” I’m glad you asked. It can be done through a simple shift in awareness. And you will achieve that shift through an extremely effective three-word process that I like to call “Act As If.”

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The following chapter will explore this highly-effective method in great detail.

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A great method for achieving the kind of behavioral pattern that will reflect all the positive truths you want to instill in yourself will be the main focus of this chapter. The method’s name: ‘Act As If’ Understand that this isn’t just about being congruent with who you are. It’s also about being congruent with who you want to be. ‘Act As If’ will easily allow you to achieve this level of congruency. Remember earlier in this book when I noted how the subconscious mind’s recognition of certain personality traits will automatically enable it to demonstrate those very same qualities through your own behavior and actions? Well, what we cover in this chapter will really show you the power in that truth. ‘Act As If’ is basically a more focused version of the ‘In Their Shoes’ technique from this book’s section on congruency. The difference is that ‘Act As If’ is a bit more geared to the action part of the process. By considering how you might actually behave or act in a particular role or situation, you automatically aid yourself in achieving the personality traits that will support this behavior. I’m assuming this method’s origin can be found much earlier in our culture, but I was personally introduced to the ‘Act As If’ concept through the movie Boiler Room. It’s funny that I learned about it there, since it was actually used in the movie as a method to take advantage of others (instead of enhancing the skills of the person who was implementing it). The scene where it came up was the one in which Ben Affleck’s character was chewing out all the new kids in the office. They had just taken on entry level stock broker positions and they weren’t selling enough product to potential clients. Basically, they’d go into a call as the nobodies they were, so had very little confidence as a result. Not surprisingly, they failed to command any kind of real respect from the prospects they were calling. 71


No respect, no sales. So Affleck’s character has a scene where he emphatically gives everyone the one piece of advice that helped him climb the corporate ladder: Act As If. “Act as if,” he told them. “Act as if you’ve been doing this for years. Act as if you’re the f*cking President of the company. Act as if they’re lucky just to have you calling them!” I’m paraphrasing the dialogue here, but I think you get my point. Affleck was telling them to ‘fake it till you make it.’ And that’s good advice… if you do it the right way, of course. And we’ll talk about that more in a second. But first let’s briefly examine how this ‘Act As If’ method would apply to your needs in either dating or business. In dating: Act as if you’re a hell of a catch. This is all regardless of how you look, how much money you make, or any other limitation you might be able to think of for yourself. If you’re acting like somebody who’s okay with their appearance, for instance, you’re going to end up getting yourself a better haircut to match that role. You’re going to buy one or two nice shirts. Basically, you’re going to start maintaining a better appearance within your current means because of the standard you’ve placed on your subconscious mind. Trust me, it really works this way. As for the financial side of things, if you act as if money isn’t an issue, then expensive dinners suddenly won’t be a requirement for you to be liked. A simple drink at the bar will be enough. Because acting as if your finances aren’t a measure of your appeal means you achieve a level of attraction that doesn’t rely on anything connected with those types of money issues. Instead, it’s your personality that will be the focal point of what others are attracted to. 72


In business: Act as if clients are lucky to have you. Because people whose clients really are lucky to have them are the people who do great things for those clients. So when you’re acting as if you’re great for somebody’s business, your behavior will be congruent with that, and you’ll actually start behaving in a way that really makes you better for somebody’s business. You’ll only recommend products and services that are actually going to be helpful. You’ll be responsible enough to return calls. You’ll be wise enough to keep up with the latest trends of the industry. Basically, you’ll actually be a gem for anybody lucky enough to hire you. And when people meet you, they’ll automatically see it in you. This doesn’t mean you’ll be arrogant. It simply means you’ll be sure of yourself. You’ll know you’re the right person for the job. And the self-confidence you exude as a result will attract even more clients to you automatically. Here’s the thing, though. Acting is just not enough. If you really want to find success with this, you have to take it one step further. You have to FEEL it. Remember congruency?? Remember how I noted that if you aren’t the genuine article, people will read it on you in a heartbeat? Well, that’s why you have to feel it. And how do you feel it exactly? Simply by imagining how you would actually act if it were really true. There’s no big mystery to all of this. It really is that simple and direct. Imagine what you would do and then just do it. How do you think actors achieve such noteworthy performances? They act as if. Have you ever been to an acting class? If you haven’t been, I highly recommend it. But make sure you go to a class where the teacher is rough on you. Because the acting coaches who expect a lot out of you will be the ones who easily help you with the ‘feeling’ part of the process… and they’ll usually be able to do it in only about 30 minutes. I don’t care how bad you are. At your 73


worst, as long as your teacher is competent to some degree, it should take you no more than 2 or 3 sessions to have this handled. But to try and save you some money, let’s see if I can’t clarify this all for you here and now. Great actors don’t play a role. They become it. They emotionally put themselves in whatever situation is called for. We covered a lot of this in the ‘in their shoes’ details earlier, but what I wanted to stress here is that the key to all this is in making the role specific to you. This is where the authentic you is really accessed. This isn’t about how just anybody would act in a certain situation. It’s how YOU and only you would act. That’s where the impact of “Act As If” is really made. In the course of acting as if, you’re going to be faced with fundamental truths about your innermost desires and preferences. You’re going to learn a lot about the type of person you really are. You might be surprised at how selfish you may end up viewing yourself, so I want to quickly point out that being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Remember, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else, you should not be ashamed of your desires or preferences in any way. This is key because your ability to represent yourself in a genuine way depends on it. You should never be hiding behind your true intentions.

Don’t hide behind your intentions Charismatic people are never viewed as being underhanded. They’re never considered untrustworthy. They never have that shady quality to them. And that’s because they’re real. They know exactly who they are. They’re proud of who they are. And they carry this pride because they know their natural, human intentions are valid and full of worth.

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If you really want to be a more charismatic person, you’re going to have to learn that it never does you any good to hide behind your intentions. You should instead embrace them. You should take pride in them. You should allow your behavior to be dictated by them. Only then will you be congruent and only then will your personality be a pleasing and magnetic one. In order to put this in proper context (and since many readers have specifically purchased this book for what I’m about to discuss), allow me to provide you with a clearer understanding of what I’m talking about by exploring an aspect of Male-Female dynamics. This particular area of social interaction serves as a perfect example of why hiding behind your intentions is the wrong approach. And since I want to keep this as authentic as possible, allow me to offer this example from my own male perspective. Let’s look at a situation where you meet a woman you’re attracted to. We’re going to assume for clarity that whoever this girl is, it would be okay if you two actually ended up going on a date. What I mean by this is that you aren’t in a professional setting, and hitting on her won’t be a threat to your job. And she isn’t already taken. No boyfriend. No husband. No brother who’s your best friend who would resent you for taking her out. No other complications. I want to keep things nice and basic here. With all of that being said… The moment you meet a woman you’re interested in, it should never be a secret (or a big deal, for that matter) that you are considering the possibility of engaging in consensual sexual activity with her at some point in the near future (“near future” being anywhere from 1 hour to 1 month). A problem that most guys have is that they’re ashamed of their intentions. They’re worried that a woman might look at them, see behind the veil, and know that they are interested in sex. Guess what guys. It’s NO secret! 75


Women know what’s going on. They’re not stupid. A woman knows that when a guy’s looking in her direction and his lips are moving, it’s automatically because he wants those lips somewhere on her. What most guys don’t understand is that those very same thoughts are going on in the girl’s mind as well. And believe me, they are. The only difference is that women naturally have a higher threshold of self-control because they are offered (directly and indirectly) physical contact with a multitude of potential suitors on a daily basis. It’s a simple case of supply and demand. But the bottom line is that you’re not fooling anyone with your “I wanna get to know the real you and nothing else” routine. So if you assume you’re going to ‘trick’ her into thinking you’re just a ‘nice guy,’ lull her into a false sense of security with expensive wining and dining, and then ‘come out’ to her with a grand statement about your feelings weeks into your ‘relationship,’ you are in for an unpleasant surprise. Because you won’t even get through the first date if all you do is insult the girl’s intelligence by acting like you aren’t interested in any physical contact. Now I’m not suggesting that you make selfish and unreasonable demands and force a woman into any kind of situation she is uncomfortable in. All I’m saying is that it is okay to be interested in sex IN ADDITION to who she is as a person. Now, am I suggesting you blaringly outright declare “Hey, it’s totally possible that you and me are going to end up in bed, and I’m cool with it, and I want you to know that everything I do from this point on is strictly so I can get in your pants.”?? Of course not. This isn’t about verbally making a statement. It’s about non-verbally making a statement. You’re not going to say anything direct or specific with your words. All you’re simply going to do is ‘act as if’ it’s already understood that you’re considering physical contact at some point when you’re both ready and willing. 76


So when you are interacting on a verbal level, the words you use, while not directly implying that things are intended to eventually escalate to a physical level, should definitely not hide from the reality of it potentially occurring. For example, if you’re on a date and the girl you’re out with accidentally spills her drink on the table, it’s a perfect time to joke about how you were considering allowing her to kiss you, but if she’s that clumsy, maybe you’re both better off just being friends. A line like that is a great little verbal shot that indirectly states the obvious, but still keeps things interesting (and it’s also, by the way, a perfect example of role-reversal humor, which we’ll discuss in great detail later on). Don’t believe for a second that women respect ‘nice guys’ who are only acting nice because external influences like television and the media have programmed them to do so. Women appreciate nice guys. But they also pity them. They pity them because they know deep inside that these nice guys are not being true to themselves. They pity them because they know these guys are merely conforming to what they’ve been told is the proper course of action. And you can’t respect someone if you pity them.

Nice guys finish last… because they put everyone else first Let me clarify what I mean by ‘nice guys’ so that nobody misunderstands me here. A nice guy is someone who says no to their innermost desires and preferences in order to impress somebody else. A nice guy defies his own natural tendencies because he is scared that the object of his affection will not like him if he expresses those preferences as a requirement for spending time with him. A nice guy doesn’t have the stones to pick the restaurant. A nice guy doesn’t have the necessary inclination to lead. A nice guy says “yes dear” to 77


anything and everything, regardless of whether it puts him in an unfavorable or uncomfortable position. But in looking down on this pathetic species known as the nice guy, I want to be clear when I say that you can still treat people well without being a ‘nice guy.’ You can have manners without being a nice guy. You can have class without being a nice guy. You can pull out chairs, hold doors, and treat a woman very well without being a nice guy. You can still be… ‘nice.’ What you can’t do is bend on everything. Sure, it’s okay to bend on a few things here and there. It’s okay to compromise in certain appropriate situations. We are talking about a partnership, after all. But if you’re being forced to bend too much and too often by someone, I don’t care how hot they are. They’re obviously too much for you to handle and are therefore no good for you to have in your life. At this point, you might be asking how this applies to other areas of life. Well, for example, it should be no secret to a client that you want their business. It should be no secret to a prospect that you want them to buy your product. It should be no secret to your company that you desire a specific office or position. As long as you’re going in with the best of intentions, and it really is your genuine desire to help others rather than hurt them, all of your goals (whatever they may be) will always be okay! This goes for dating, business, or any other category of life. As long as you’re never doing harm to others, there is never any reason to be ashamed of who you are. And I mean never. Not to sound too much like a self-help guru, but it’s very important that you value yourself. In fact, valuing yourself will ensure that you never hurt other people. Because…

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Those who truly value themselves hold themselves up to a higher standard. People who truly value themselves never do anything bad. I’m talking about people who are completely self-assured. You see, they have no reason to harm others. It’s not worth it to them. They’re too proud to lower themselves to that kind of behavior. Those who do harm to others, on the other hand, are the ones who don’t value themselves. Sure, they’re selfish, but there’s more to it than that. Good people are selfish as well. There’s a huge difference between being selfish because you value yourself and being selfish because you don’t value yourself. When you don’t have enough confidence in yourself and you rely on the opinions of others as a result, you start getting desperate. You get desperate to have a really nice house to brag about. Or a certain car. Or a certain girl. Or a corner office. Or whatever else it is that you think is going to impress other people. And it is that very desperation… that feeling of lack that results from a failure to truly value who you are… that forces you to do harmful things to others. If people weren’t desperate, then they would never resort to doing anything bad. Mull over that one for a few minutes, and it won’t belong before you realize what I’m talking about, here. This concept takes us directly into the next chapter and to another quality necessary for creating your charisma: Self-Value.

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You can’t put a dollar amount on self-value. You just can’t put a price on it. Because it really is priceless. And it’s crucial to have if you really want to succeed socially and have the kind of charisma that so few seem to enjoy. So let’s talk about what it really means to have self-value. Let’s talk about some of the ingredients that go into cultivating this quality in yourself. And let’s see if I can’t hopefully surprise you with some of this information, or at the very least, offer an interesting perspective on some of what you already know. With that said, let’s start out by exploring why exactly it’s so important that you ‘walk tall,’ so to speak.

The importance of walking tall When I detail body language a little later in this book, I’ll be sure to note the impact your own movements have on the minds and opinions of other people. But right now, what I really want to detail is the effect your body language has on yourself… specifically the effect of your walk. I cannot put enough emphasis on the idea that there is always a lot more going on in any and every situation than might appear on the surface. Every moment in your life has implications you aren’t even aware of. It’s with this knowledge that I advise you to walk tall. And what I mean by walking tall is this: You should always be making the effort to physically walk as if you’re someone to be counted. You should always stand tall. Your chest should always be out. Your back should always be straight. You should never slouch when you walk. You should never look to the ground. I encourage you to almost strut when you’re walking. (quick disclaimer: “Chest Out” does not automatically mean “Shoulders Back”. Keeping your shoulders back is a little too rigid and communicates that you might be a little uptight. As long as you’re standing straight, that’s all you need.) 81


You should do things like ‘walk tall’ because this type of behavior configures and conditions your identity in a very positive way. These kinds of actions subconsciously train you to value yourself. I know that might sound a little odd, but there really is a legitimate psychological purpose behind this. There’s a purpose behind consistently reminding yourself that you really do matter, even in an indirect way like intentionally walking upright. It’s through such action that you’re programmed to carry yourself with pride. And pride in oneself is vital to successfully creating one’s charisma. Not only should your walk constantly be upright, but it should be deliberate as well. And what I mean by that is that you should always walk just a little slower than everyone else. Your walk should be just a little bit calmer. You should walk as if you’re under no pressure… as if nothing can get your flustered. This behavior will naturally give you the actual feelings of being calm, being in control, and being impervious to external stresses. And as I touched on earlier in this book, if you experience anything on a frequent enough basis, it ends up attaching itself to your reality. It’s almost as if you’re rehearsing to be charismatic, and that practice naturally leads to the actual daily performance. That’s simply the way the human mind works. So when you engage in such simple behavior as walking tall, it really isn’t long before you’re the type of person who would really know that they count. It isn’t long before you realize that you really are worthy of greatness.

You have to realize that you are worthy I’m tempted to say that you have to realize you are worthy of all the good things that might happen in your life and leave it at that. But even a statement as strong as that one isn’t really hitting the mark on what I’m trying to communicate here. A better way to put it is that you have to accept that you are worthy of anything good in your life. 82


As humans, one of our biggest and most debilitating flaws is that we don’t realize that we ARE in fact worthy of any and all great things that come into our lives. It’s a bit of a paradox, really. Nonetheless, it’s a reality we face, and it’s one that we must overcome. If you’re guilty of this very same problem, you need to get over it, and you need to do so RIGHT NOW. This is no joke. If you can’t accept the incredibly favorable shift you’ll most likely experience as a result of all the information you learn from this book, then it’s not really going to happen for you. So get over it, get over yourself, and get over all that useless past programming telling you that you’re nothing special. Allow yourself to really enjoy life. Allow yourself to see your own value. Your ability to accept the good things that come into your life all starts with your self-image.

Self-image really is all about ‘self’ I’m really hoping I don’t sound too much like an after-school special with what I’ve been saying here. I’m sure a lot of this feels a bit over the top. But considering the invaluable nature of this content, and how important it really is that you internalize it, that’s a risk I’m more than happy to take. So let me put it to you as straightforward and clearly as I possibly can. Regardless of the current circumstances in your life, it is VITAL that you develop a healthy self-image…because that self-image will, by default, favorably change those circumstances for you. The reason for needing a healthy self-image is simple. Selfimage really is all about your ‘self.’ Or to be a bit clearer, let’s put it this way: how you currently look at yourself is extremely different than the majority of other people’s perceptions of you. And as for that small percentage of their views about you that actually match your own… those are merely a result of the views you were carrying about yourself in the first place. 83


Because if you think about it and really observe the reactions of other people, you’ll realize they’re not really responding to you. They’re actually responding to the actions and behaviors YOU engage in as a result of YOUR OWN view of yourself. If that doesn’t make sense, allow me to illustrate with an example or two. Let’s take a guy who’s loosing his hair at the age of 25. For over two decades, his self-esteem has been linked to his thick, perfect, flowing locks. It was one of his biggest selling points when he was meeting women in college (in his opinion, at least). And now it’s all starting to leave him. So what does he do? He responds to the negative emotions that he himself creates. He stops looking people in the eye the way he used to. He starts slouching when he stands. He starts dragging his feet when he walks. He starts avoiding conversations with the type of women he used to date on a regular basis. And as you might expect, people start responding to this new mode of behavior. They start to notice, both consciously and subconsciously, that he doesn’t think very much of himself. And so they don’t think very highly of him either. They notice, both consciously and subconsciously, that he doesn’t respect himself. And so they cease to respect him as well. They get the overall feeling that he doesn’t feel worthy of being with a quality woman. And so they begin to share that very same opinion as well. Basically, they negatively respond to the inferior self-representation he puts on display. But it’s not actually him they’re responding to. It’s the physical behavior he engages in (which is resulting from his own negative perception of who he is). That’s what’s really leading to their reactions to him. What this guy fails to realize is that there are women… hot women… who LOVE bald men. Now we’re not talking about guys with comb-overs or anything like that… you know, guys who are struggling to hold on to that last strand of hair. We’re talking about those guys who shave their heads on purpose. The guys who actually enjoy looking that way. There are women 84


who are really into this. There are women who find this kind of look appealing. But if you choose to see your bare scalp as a disadvantage rather than something that’s really in your favor, your physical behavior reflecting this view will instantly turn others off. Being bald is something you have to embrace. It’s something you have to own. And when you own it (or own whatever other ‘disadvantage’ you’re facing), you’ll own the respect and admiration of those around you. Now obviously, this ‘bald guy’ situation is just one arbitrary example of what I’m talking about. There are countless other examples that can be cited as well. Take women and their figures, for instance. Many women tend to have self-esteem issues related to their weight. They make the decision that guys don’t find them attractive if they aren’t the approximate size of a toothpick. I’m obviously generalizing here, but that’s because there are easily enough women in the world who really think this way, so it’s not that far of a reach for me to make this kind of statement. But what most of these women don’t realize is that despite all of the social conditioning from friends who think they know what they’re talking about… and all of the programming from movies and television… and all of the magazine photo spreads that tell a guy that a woman has to be airbrushed in order to be appealing… there is STILL that genetic code which is embedded in every male’s DNA. There’s that code that immediately responds when the image of full hips reaches the visual cortex, and the subconscious screams ‘now THERE’S someone equipped to bear your children… go hit THAT!’ Regardless of what they might internally feel about their looks, their figure, their face, their voice, or anything else they expect guys to respond to, many women are more attractive then they think. And most of them don’t even realize what it is about them that’s really attracting the guy.

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Now I’m not stupid, here. I realize that there are a lot of guys reading this who are so used to artificially wanting a ‘certain’ kind of woman, that they really only do find someone who looks like Jessica Alba attractive. But it’s not that black and white. Think about it in this way: if these same guys were out with their friends one night at a club, there would still be certain disagreements over which girls were the best looking. And at least one of each guy’s picks would be dismissed and laughed at by the others. Because while there are certain types of women we ALL love, there are certain types that EACH of us really gravitate to as well. Some guys like raspy voices. Some guys are really only into brunettes. Some guys only care about the face. Some guys like curly hair. Some guys like big butts and they cannot lie. There really is a lot of variety here. So you really do have to realize that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. And the only one who should really be ‘beholding’ your beauty… is you. After all, that’s the opinion that you’ll be projecting to everyone around you. For my part, I know that whenever I was aware of what I perceived to be one of my own flaws, I would really struggle in a social environment. Whenever I allowed myself to perceive something that was wrong with me, my behavior would mirror this lack of self-esteem in a very obvious way. I’d have trouble looking people in the eye. I’d feel timid about giving my opinion on something. I’d simply feel less appealing. And do you know what that did? That actually made me less appealing. Because my lack of confidence was immediately reflected in my body language, my facial expressions, my eye contact, my inflection, and everything else about me that was being communicated on a physical level. But when I ignored those ‘flaws’… when I put them out of my mind and instead focused on my positive qualities… I thrived. And to this day, I continue to thrive with that very same approach. 86


People really do respond to what you project. It really is YOU who dictates other people’s reactions to you? It really is YOU who is making certain people like or dislike you through your own behavior. And your behavior is inspired by your innermost convictions and beliefs about who you are. And while these beliefs should emerge through your own specific choices, they are instead influenced by everything and everyone around you. People have got it backwards. They think the internal is a direct result of the external. But that way of thinking couldn’t be further from the truth.

External influences internal…only if you let it I have a serious homework assignment for you. An important one. I want you to take the next day you have off and spend it watching some TV, listening to some radio (both talk radio and music), reading a ‘trendy’ magazine, and doing anything else that provides a reflection of our society’s core values. While you’re at it, think about some views that have been passed on to you by parents, bosses, friends or any other authorities you’ve encountered over the course of your life. Try to remember ideas that were specifically given to you rather than ones you may have come up with yourself (if there really are any of those). Then I want you to look deep inside yourself and ask the fundamental question: “is this who I am??” And regardless of that answer, you are then instructed to ask yourself: “is this who I WANT to be??” Because the decision really is yours. The external is of no real concern. Only the internal matters. And when the internal is truly being taken care of, the external will reflect that very same harmony. I’m obviously placing a huge emphasis on the destructive effect that external influences tend to create. But it’s a valid concern. One of our biggest problems is that we tend to allow others to 87


make us doubt ourselves in just about any situation. Getting over this problem is vital to carrying a true understanding of our selfvalue.

Don’t doubt yourself It sounds cliché, but since so few people actually follow this advice, I feel it’s my responsibility to offer it one more time: DON’T DOUBT YOURSELF. And what I mean when I say that is don’t allow others to make you feel inferior if you’re not 100% accurate on the best approach to take in a given situation. Don’t allow others to make you feel inferior if you got a name wrong… or if you stumbled over your words… or if you slipped and fell… or anything else that people are usually automatically embarrassed over. Allow me to illustrate my point with a brief story. A few months back, I brought a date to a bar that devotes a portion of its week to karaoke nights. Now personally, karaoke isn’t really my style, but my date had been jokingly bragging about her skills on the mike, so I was interested in seeing her in action. I had been to this bar before on both nights with karaoke and nights without, and I was pretty sure that on this night, they were scheduled to host it again. But there was nothing set up, and the crowd was pretty small for the time of night we were there. So I asked the girl working at the bar if they were running behind and when they might be setting up the machine. Her reaction was pretty dramatic, and for someone like me who’s seen this kind of routine before, pretty transparent as well. I’d been witness to this blatant attempt to make someone feel inferior countless times in the past…

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“Karaoke? On a Saturday night?? Buddy, I’ve been working here for over THREE years, and we’ve neeeever had karaoke on a weekend, much less on our busiest night of the week! You really need to come here more often.” Now in order for you to fully appreciate why I’m even bringing this up, you really had to be there and experience her tone in person. She was jumping on her soapbox… and it was a pretty irrelevant soapbox at that… over the certainty that her knowledge of the bar’s schedule was absolute. I threw back a little joke asking her if she could recite what’s on the seventh line of the bar’s menu, but I shouldn’t have even given her that much of a reaction. I shouldn’t have given her anything at all. After all, like I said, I’d seen this routine too many times to count before I ever met this bartender. I immediately recognized her inflection as the type of condescending tone that would make most people feel stupid for being ‘bold’ enough to ask a simple question. This bothered me because I knew from past experiences that if was still unfamiliar with all of the ‘beneath the surface’ stuff, I would have felt like a complete idiot after hearing her response to me. I would have put all the stock in her opinion and none in my own. I wouldn’t have even noticed that she called it the ‘busiest night of the week’ while the place was nearly empty. I wouldn’t have realized that her words were merely an artificial attempt to up her own status. I’ll admit I was bothered by her response to me. Not because she made me feel smaller, but because I knew that this little act had been pulled on many others before me, only they probably weren’t self-assured enough to let it bounce right off of them. It really was a shame.

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Now was she trying to make me look or feel bad? Absolutely not. This wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about any of her past ‘victims’ either. It was about her. She was really only concerned with making herself look good and feel important, and if I was an unintended and unnecessary casualty in that process, then ‘so be it’ as far as she was concerned. The sad thing is that she’s just one of many out there. One of many who need to take others down in order to bring themselves up. In the defense of most of these pathetic morons, it really does get to a point where they’re not even aware of what they’re doing. It simply becomes automatic behavior to frame their sentences in a way that implies that not only are they right, but everyone else better agree or they’re dumb as mud. It’s definitely in your best interest to begin to recognize this behavior from others so that you can guard yourself against the intended effects. Whether you’re at a party… or on a date… or in a meeting… or in some other relevant social situation, it’s pretty much a certainty that sooner or later you will encounter someone who frames your opinions as flawed. And then you’ll be on the hot seat, faced with a simple yet powerful decision. Either conclude that they are guaranteed to be right no matter what, or realize that there are no guarantees. Don’t let someone else make you doubt yourself when you find that person across the bar attractive. Don’t let someone make you doubt yourself when you admit you watch that cheesy TV show. Don’t let someone make you doubt yourself at any point where your preferences affect nobody else but you. It’s your life. Now some of you might read this and initially think I’m saying that it’s okay to take the attitude of “well, this means I get to be right all the time, so anyone who disagrees with me is wrong, and now all my decisions are absolute.” But that’s not what I mean. 90


When I say don’t doubt yourself, I mean don’t allow yourself to feel bad if you’re ever wrong about something. Have the confidence to admit it, even acknowledge it in front of others, and move on. Being charismatic doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means you’re self-assured enough to realize that you’re not perfect and that you’re fine with it. Only when you actually realize this will you be able to win the crowd. I encourage you to look back on the moments in your life when you were both comfortable around others and not so comfortable. I’m confident that you’ll then understand how relevant this chapter really is. And I know you’ll understand why you have to hold to a positive self-image regardless of the external forces that might challenge it. Now that you appreciate the purpose of a healthy self-value, you must now combine it with a true understanding of how others are affected by the images they carry of themselves… as well as how external stimuli influence them. You need to understand the mind games that are both consciously and subconsciously played on a daily basis. You need to get the ‘inner game’ aspect of charisma. The following chapter will explore this in great detail and reveal a truth about others that will guarantee your ability to understand them.

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So here we are almost 100 pages in, and we still haven’t discussed any real tips on how to handle that first date, how to score that phone number, how to carry a conversation, or any other valuable tidbits of insight I know you bought this book for. But from the very beginning of this book, there’s been a real method to my madness. It’s very important to note that all the things I just mentioned, for the most part, are outer game issues. And in order to successfully negotiate the challenges of the outer game, it’s vital that you first take the necessary steps to understand the true key to charisma creation… the inner game. You really need to have yourself together on the inside first. The internal psychology that you bring to the table will be invaluable to your rate of success. Because only through your ability on that inner side of the spectrum will you be able to win others over and magnetize them towards you. Only through your inner game can you ever hope to win the crowd.

Win the crowd The key to thriving in a crowd is to understand the crowd. And the key to understanding the crowd is to understand yourself. Because more often than not, they are one and the same. And understanding that fundamental truth is the first step in winning them over. Group dynamics are nothing more than a condensed reflection of individual dynamics. Simply put, if you can understand your own feelings, behaviors, and reactions to both external stimuli and internal thoughts, then you can understand those very same qualities in other people as well. So if you want to get in their heads, get in your own first. I’m reminded of a comedy special Ellen DeGeneres did a few years back. There was one part of her routine where she made a joke about how people walking down the street usually react if 93


they suddenly trip over a crack in the ground. She jokingly simulated the trip and then did a light jog across the stage as if she just ‘felt like easing into a light jog all of a sudden’ (reflecting our need to try and play-off this kind of situation in the very same way if it were to happen to us). So she narrates herself going into this ridiculous impromptu little run for a few seconds, and of course once she’s gone a few steps, she narrates herself saying something along the lines of “aaaaand …now I’m done” and she goes back to her ‘normal’ walk. She had the audience rolling. And the reason they were laughing so hysterically is because they’ve all been there and realize that they would have responded the exact same way. You’ve been there, too. You remember walking down the street feeling like a million bucks, strutting along like you’re John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. And you then remember tripping out of nowhere. How did you react? The same way Ellen did. You tried to ‘jog it off.’ But you knew what really happened. And everyone around you (even if they didn’t say anything) knew what happened, too. And you knew that they knew. It was one of those silent understandings that remained silent in a merciful attempt to save you a little embarrassment. The point I’m trying to make here is that Ellen understood something about herself. And she was smart enough to realize that this specific example of weird or silly human behavior was not unique to her. Everyone was just as guilty of this awkward reaction to tripping on the street. So she used this understanding of the crowd she was interacting with… this understanding that was really only an extension of the knowledge she had about herself… and she thrived. And you can, too.

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Understanding what draws you to others will show you how to draw them to you At this point, you really want to stop and think about what it is about other people that has ever made you want to be around them. If you really break things down, you’re likely to notice one specific common intangible about all of them: They always left you wanting more. Whatever it was they were doing, you were enjoying it. But they were never giving you enough of it. And so your feelings toward them naturally grew with an extremely powerful momentum. I’m reminded of a hilarious Seinfeld episode where George would be in an office meeting, blurt out a funny little quip in response to whatever was being said, have the whole room booming with laughter… and then ruin the whole thing by trying to upstage himself by telling another joke… which would of course fall flat and kill the entire buzz in the room. Upon discussing this problem with Jerry (a professional comedian, for those who never saw the show), it was decided that since he only seems to come out with one good joke per meeting, he should use an old showmanship trick and ‘leave on a high note.’ So that’s what he actually did in the meetings to follow. As soon as he realized that the joke was delivered and everyone was laughing, he’d say something along the lines of “that’s it for me tonight, folks!” and hightail it out of there. The obvious desired effect would be that his status would fly through the roof (since he’d only be known for making funny and original remarks in the meetings). And it worked. It worked too well, actually. It wasn’t long before his boss developed such a high level of confidence in George, that he fired everyone else, leaving George to do the company’s ambitious projects all by himself. It was a pretty funny episode, one that communicated a fundamental truth about us all. 95


We are enamored with that which we cannot get enough of. It’s simply a matter of supply and demand. So limit the supply of yourself to others.

Limit access to yourself It’s funny. Half the things I talk about in this book are things that I stumbled onto completely by accident. These are things that I simply did as a result of my life’s circumstances at the time. To this day, many of these things I still don’t do on purpose… they simply happen as a result of the hectic schedule I keep. The technique of “limiting access to yourself” is one of those things. If you’re out at a party, and you are REALLY fun to be around, but you’re only there for an hour, people will miss you even more than if you had stayed there until the end. If you go to a party, are there for its full duration, and you’re still fun to be around… but you don’t go to another party for seven months, people will value you even more when you actually do show up to events. Does this mean you should do things like this to up your status? That’s up to you. I’m giving you enough material in this book that you don’t HAVE to do all of it. So if you feel you’d be missing out on life by only going to half the parties you’re invited to, don’t feel obligated to do so. But I just wanted to give you this understanding through this type of example. It’s certainly not the only way to limit access to yourself in a favorable way. You can have the same desired effect by simply leaning back a little.

Lean back In his book Silent Power, Stuart Wilde explains how we as humans have a tendency to psychologically lean into others if we determine that they have more energy or power than we do. 96


We naturally want to feel and enjoy that power for ourselves, and since we inaccurately (and subconsciously) conclude that the most efficient way of doing this is to borrow that energy from others, we go to great lengths to be around them and maintain contact in any way that we can. This is obviously an inferior way of acquiring useful energy. The energy of others is a false energy, as it only truly belongs to them. Your energy, regardless of how you might feel at the moment, is entirely derived from within. And only as you refuse to rely on the energy of others will your own power grow through sheer necessity. But first you have to understand what being energetically dependent on others really means. The need for the energy of others forces you to ‘lean’ on them. And what I mean by ‘leaning’ is this: If you have a real emotional dependency for being around someone in particular, you’re leaning on them. If you need their approval, or even their acknowledgement, then you’re leaning on them. If you don’t feel right unless you are around them, and you go to great lengths to continue your contact with them, then you are leaning on them. You never want to lean on others. You never want to need to be around them. The only presence you should ever actually need is your own. That should always be enough. That’s why I devoted an entire chapter to self-value. If you REALLY value yourself, you’ll never NEED the company of another. Now I’m not saying you won’t enjoy someone else’s company. I’m simply saying you won’t need it. So when I tell you to lean back, I’m not just talking about ‘supply and demand’ and making others appreciate you more. I’m talking about preventing yourself from being a burden on them. This isn’t just for your own benefit, but theirs as well. Everyone appreciates space… and as wacky as it sounds, they’re drawn to those people who give it to them. If you understand that simple little fact, you’ll be astonished at how quickly you’ll be able to amplify another’s feelings for you when you’re dating. 97


It really is all about giving them space. Never forget that.

The value of space in dating How many times in a relationship that’s about to end do you hear one of the parties cry ‘I need space’? The person saying this wasn’t actually telling you “you’re giving me something I don’t like.” They were actually saying “you’re giving me too much of something (namely, you)… and I don’t like it.” It was simply a situation of “contact overkill.” The person being dumped was simply offering too much of themselves, taking up too much of the other person’s time and energy, and putting themselves in a position where they could easily be taken for granted. And that is the absolute worst thing they could do. You should never act in a way that implies you’re anything but a rare commodity. There should never be any doubt that being around you is a privilege, and not a right. Certain authorities in the field of dating success might refer to this as ‘challenge’ or ‘the magic of missing you’ or something along those lines. And those are certainly applicable labels to put on it. But the way I look at it is that you’re simply giving the other person a little breathing room, even if they aren’t asking for it just yet. Humans, by the fundamental nature of their genetic code, are territorial creatures. And even if someone is in love with someone else on the conscious level, they will still unconsciously jump into the ‘fight or flight’ response if they feel cornered in any way. And that includes feeling like their time, energy, and attention is being hoarded by the person they’re dating. And remember, there’s also that basic psychological truth that we want most what we can’t have. But once we actually get it, we don’t want it anymore, so we don’t covet it the way we used to… and we don’t favorably respond to it in the way we used to… and we aren’t grateful for it the way we used to be. 98


On the other hand, the harder we have to fight for it, the more we want it. The more we want it, the harder we fight. The harder we fight, the more we want… the harder we fight… the more we want it… and all of a sudden it’s like the chicken and the egg. The ‘wanting it’ and ‘fighting for it’ will automatically lead into each other. It’s a fairly simple and pretty familiar equation: Supply goes down, demand skyrockets right up. For me, this isn’t a manufactured or fake quality. For me, it’s a legitimate truth that my extremely hectic work schedule prevents me from showering girls with calls, e-mails, and every other form of attention that we’re programmed to automatically give when we feel like we’re in or at least starting to begin anything that can be interpreted as a relationship. Maybe you actually have the time to act like a lost sick puppy. But that doesn’t mean you should do it. Think about what you’re communicating about yourself if you act that way. Think about what that says about how valuable your time and attention really is. Now a lot of the poor needy behavior I am advising against is usually a result of people getting overemotional in matters of the heart. Before you begin acting like you’re in love, you better stop and think about what being in love really means. Most people THINK they’re in love with whoever they’re dating at the time, even when they don’t actually ‘feel’ it inside of them. And they convince themselves of this simply because they’re so desperate to experience love and find out for themselves if it’s really worth all the hype. Usually, people are really only in love with… BEING IN LOVE. And I’m sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but I’ll say this anyway... The reason for this flaw in perception is because of all the social programming and conditioning we’ve been inundated with since the day we were born. Everyone wants that ‘Hollywood kiss’. An ordinary kiss is just not enough. A lifetime of harmony with someone you can really connect with is just not enough. A meaningful friendship that 99


weathers all the storms that life brings and guarantees genuine fulfillment… is just not enough. Oh no, we need that Hollywood romance. We need that dramatic kiss in the rain. We need that love that sprouts over the course of only about 36 hours like we saw on Titanic. We’re in love with that excitement. We’re in love with that enhanced reality. We’re in love with those fireworks. But what we don’t realize is that we’re really only in love with the chemicals that our brains produce as a result of that interpretation of love. Now I’m not telling you that love isn’t real or that love doesn’t exist. I’m simply saying that real love doesn’t come in a cereal box. And it doesn’t exist in some clichéd movie. So don’t bombard somebody you’re interested in with e-mails, calls, notes, or anything else that might scare them off. I’m not saying don’t call. I’m simply saying don’t call ten times a day. I’m not saying don’t write. I’m just saying don’t write a declaration that you’ll give your last breath for just one more kiss. I’m not saying don’t show you care. I’m just saying don’t kill the person you’re interested in with kindness and attention. Now I want to be really careful here and qualify my remarks so that you don’t take them out of context. Many of you might be looking at the view I’m presenting you with as a truly new and radical way of approaching things. And so your natural inclination might be to jump to extremes. But this isn’t about going from the current extreme you’re living in all the way to the other side of the spectrum. It’s more about moving closer to the middle. So when I say lean back a little, I really do mean only a little. Don’t ignore somebody you care about. Don’t blow them off because you’re scared they’ll get sick of you. Just make sure not to give them too much at once. That’s all you need. And that really is enough. 100


There’s a real “sub-communication” to all of this. One in which what you do and what you don’t do speaks volumes without using even one word. Everything you communicate to someone else should have a deeper purpose to it. Every method you use to interact with another should have a specific intent. This is chess, not checkers. This is looking beneath the surface with everything you do. This is about the art of subtle communication. And that is what we’re going to explore in the next chapter.

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It’s an undeniable fact that our successes depend on how well we relate to others. Put simply, we need to deal with other people in pretty much every aspect of life. But with this understanding in mind, we must also ask ourselves: what exactly are we relating to those around us?

Not all communication is on the surface In every interaction you have with another person, there’s always something extra going on beneath the surface. There’s always some kind of agenda that other person has been purposely concealing for so long that they don’t even realize they’re doing it anymore. It becomes an automatic part of their behavioral pattern to hide at least some of their intentions, at least some of their tendencies, and at least some of their personality. But this intentional failure to disclose information is only really occurring on a surface level. Most people don’t realize that they’re still subconsciously communicating certain things about themselves on an involuntary level. I like to refer to this aspect of human behavior as ‘sub-communication’. People sub-communicate all the time without even realizing it. And that’s because most people assume that the way by which they represent themselves to others is accomplished through their spoken word alone. What they don’t realize, however, is that the words spoken between people actually only account for about ten percept of their overall communication! That other ninety percent is everything else. The other ninety percent is comprised of things like inflection, facial expressions, eye contact, body posture, and body language. And these are things that people don’t really pay close attention to in themselves when they’re interacting with others. So they really don’t realize what they’re actually saying about themselves when they move the way they do, when they speak the way they do, and when they carry themselves the way they do. 103


And the people they’re communicating with aren’t able to consciously read what’s going on anyway. On a subconscious level, however, they know exactly who they’re dealing with. That’s why you get good and bad vibes from certain people. Regardless of what they’re giving you on the surface, your subconscious mind is still picking everything up about them. So on a deeper level, when someone isn’t being straight with you, you’re actually able to feel it. And when someone genuinely cares for you, you’re able to know that on a deeper level as well. It’s of huge benefit to know what others want when they speak and act. Those underlying motives (that might not be apparent on the surface, but are nonetheless driving the behavior of the individual you’re dealing with) are really what define how people deal with one another. And so, if you have a better understanding about what someone’s body language is actually telling you, then you improve your understanding of each situation you’re in with that person. With that understanding, you can better assess how you might want to behave in order to ensure that your interaction with another person is a pleasant one. Only then can you best judge when compromise is appropriate. Only then can you judge whether the person you’re around is actually good for you. So this understanding of body language obviously has huge benefits. However, with that said, let me offer the following disclaimer…

The body language disclaimer Before moving forward in this chapter, I want to make note of something extremely important that you MUST understand: Body language is nothing more than an additional asset. It is nothing more than an extra tool to have at your disposal. While it’s true that it’s important to pay attention to what the body language in those around you might be indicating about them, you must always be sure that you’re not dependent on that element alone. 104


Yes, another person’s body language is a fantastic way of reading a situation since it offers signs of whether what you’re doing is or isn’t working. However, it’s still you who has to engage in the specific behavior that will elicit the correct responses from those around you. So when you’re interacting with a potential client… or you’re on a first date… or you’re meeting somebody for the very first time… you might want to worry about the message you’re sending them before you concern yourself with the message they might be sending you.

YOUR body language and posture The greatest asset that an understanding of body language can give you is the impact that’s made as a result of YOUR own movements, not someone else’s. It’s all about what you’re consciously able to do in the way you carry yourself that will really leave its mark on the minds and opinions of those around you. It is for that reason that you should always do what you can to ensure that your walk is slow and deliberate. This kind of walk instantly communicates confidence, competence, and ease. People are much more apt to be comfortable around someone who is in control of their own emotions and how they react to specific events. And the more comfortable a person is when they’re around you, the more likely they’ll be to trust you. And the more they trust you, the more they’ll enjoy being around you. And that’s really the whole point of being charismatic anyway. Your goal is for others to feel good when they’re around you. Simple as that. In addition to a slow walk, you also want to have a slow talk. Now this doesn’t mean you walk or talk at an unbearably slow pace. It simply means that you don’t rush. It means you give off 105


the appearance of someone who’s cool, calm, and collected. And the beauty of this is that not only will this action communicate favorable things about you to others, but it will also be training you on a subconscious level as well. So you basically end up actually being a more confident person who is cool under pressure. This all goes back to the ‘in their shoes’ and ‘act as if’ techniques I already detailed. You’re actually enhancing your own identity through your physical action. And while you’re making sure that your walk (and your talk) is slow and deliberate, make sure it is also upright…

Walk straight I don’t want to suggest that you walk around as if you’re in the military, but I do want to point out the value in walking in a straight upright manner. Your shoulders don’t have to be back, but your chest should be out. Not only does this help to ensure that you maintain decent eye contact with others (a requirement for garnering respect in American culture), but again, it communicates a favorable quality about you to others (whether they consciously realize it or not) as well, resulting in their automatic good feelings about you. If you’re walking straight, then you’re not slouching. If you’re walking straight, then you give the appearance of a winner rather than a loser. If you’re walking straight, then you’re not dragging your feet. And when you stop making all of these unappealing movements that result from not walking straight… you’ll be indirectly letting others know that you’re not a needy person. And as we know by now, neediness is extremely unattractive. So by doing the things that communicate the exact opposite, you’re making yourself more appealing, more magnetic, and more attractive by automatic result.

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Pay attention to people that you personally find charismatic. Watch how they act. Watch how they carry themselves. Really observe their movements. I think you’ll see that everything I’m telling you to do can already be found in their behavior right now. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you truly understand the power you have at your disposal through a simple change in the way you physically carry yourself. Most people are never lucky enough to realize that we all communicate on that more subconscious level. After all, we as a species didn’t always have written and spoken language to aid us in our communication with others. But we have always been dealing with each other. So the ability to say something to someone else without actually verbalizing it is written into your genetic code. You may not realize it, but you were born with these abilities, and you are actually already using them on a daily basis. The only difference is that you have not yet made the effort to decide what it is you actually want to say through this aspect of your communication. This truth has countless implications, and there are many people who already use this truth to their advantage. When detectives have a suspect in custody and are questioning him, they’re not really listening to his words as much as they’re paying attention to the suspect’s body language when he’s answering their questions. Again, people are used to lying with their words, not their body. Law enforcement uses this to their advantage. You can, too. You can use that and so much more. And while I stressed earlier in this chapter that you don’t want to completely depend on this knowledge to assess those around you, there is still much that can be understood for your benefit. So let’s delve into what someone else’s body language and posture may be saying about them. Let’s begin with the very first time you meet an individual and the very first thing you do at that time. Let’s begin with the intricacies of the handshake.

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The handshake Right from the very beginning, it will be to your advantage to be able to determine what type of person you’re dealing with exactly. And believe it or not, you will often find that the way in which another shakes your hand tells you a lot about them. It almost sounds too good to be true, but a person’s handshake really can say a lot about their personality. A tighter grip indicates confidence, strength, and a dominant personality. And a lighter soft grip might indicate a lack in confidence, a lack of internal strength, a delicate nature, and a more submissive view of life. But then again, some people are taught to shake hands with a tight grip, so the power of the grip alone might not be telling you much. That is where the angle of the hand comes into play… Nobody is ever taught how they should angle their hands when they shake someone else’s. They never learn anything other than “just be sure your grip is tight.” And so, the angle of someone’s hand during a handshake remains a valid, unspoiled reflection of their true personality. When someone shakes your hand at an even level (so that the palms and backs of both your hands are at the exact same angle), odds are good that they’re coming at you from the perspective of viewing you as an equal. They haven’t made an immediate determination of who ranks higher between the two of you. They don’t automatically see themselves as any better OR any worse than you. If they shake your hand at an angle in which their palm is facing more towards the floor (while your palm is facing more towards the ceiling)… meaning that their hand is covering yours… that’s a strong indication that they have a very high opinion of themselves. They consider their interests to be the most important between the two of you, and they’re more likely to 108


value their own judgment over yours. Simply put, this handshake reflects an approach of dominance. Shaking your hand in the opposite manner, at an angle in which their palm is facing more towards the ceiling, and yours is facing more towards the floor (meaning your hand is covering theirs), means they are subconsciously yielding to you right from the start. They see you as someone more important than them. They look to you on some level as an authority of some sort. They trust your opinion over theirs. And they are possibly intimidated by you as well. Their handshake reflects an attitude of submission. But reading one’s physical actions obviously goes much deeper than just the handshake alone. The hands play another role indicating what someone else may be feeling.

‘Tipping their hand’ From the very beginning of any interaction with another person, it is obviously in your best interest to quickly and efficiently determine what this person actually thinks of you on a basic level. In short, you have to know if they feel good about you or if they feel bad. And reading someone’s hands in order to determine if they are in fact receptive to you is very easy and simple. When people interact, their palms are predominantly facing one of two ways: They will either be turned in (meaning their palms are facing away from you) or they will be turned out (facing toward you). Again, this behavior is involuntary and the other person does not actually realize what they’re saying to you. So let’s clarify the meaning behind ‘palms in’ and ‘palms out.’ If their hands are in and their palms are facing away from you, this is not a good sign. This behavior suggests that the person you’re interacting with is not open to you. They either don’t like you or they don’t trust 109


you or they have some kind of internal doubt about you. The reasons behind these feelings can be any number of possibilities. It could that you remind them of somebody they used to know who they didn’t like. Or it’s possible they’ve had a bad experience with someone else in your company and they’re projecting that residual feeling on you. It could even be that you’re trying to take advantage of them, and what YOU don’t realize is that you’re involuntarily giving off body language that’s telling them this. Maybe not on a conscious level, but on a subconscious one, resulting in that ‘gut feeling’ we’ve all experienced at one time or another. Whatever the underlying reason may be, the fact remains: if a person is using their hands while they talk to you, and they’re positioning their palms away from you, you’ve got some work to do to get them to like you more. On the other hand, if someone is talking to you with their hands out and their palms are facing you, this means that they’re open to you. To use a dramatic example, think about how someone responds when they’re being mugged at gunpoint. Hands up, palms out. On a lesser level, let’s say someone told a bad joke and realized they just offended somebody in the room. In apologizing and trying to explain, just as one would have done with a mugger, they would raise their hands and expose their palms to the person they were trying to appease. This positioning is basic behavior written into our genetic code intended to communicate a submissive posture. It’s like saying “you win…I’m all yours” without actually verbalizing it. So bringing this back to any basic interaction you’ll regularly find yourself in, when someone is talking with their palms facing you, they’re saying “I like you. I’m choosing to trust you. I’m not closing myself off to you.” It’s that simple.

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Obviously, the more a person talks with their hands, the easier they will be to read. And with that in mind, you’re going to have to keep yourself even more alert to introverted people who don’t have the confidence to use their hands as much when they speak. The real beauty in understanding this mode of communication is that you will be able to determine how another person truly feels about you regardless of the impression they’re attempting to give you on the surface. In effect, you’ll be playing poker with everyone else’s cards face up. If you stop and think about the ramifications of such knowledge, you’ll realize this book just paid for itself and then some. You will be able to utilize this crucial piece information in virtually any walk of life. You’ll have a distinct advantage in job interviews, at client meetings, at the water cooler, in the boardroom, at a club, in a bar, on a date, and in any other place you can think of where you will be communicating with others.

‘In or Out’ applies in other ways as well Just as the palms tell a story, so do a person’s legs when they’re crossed. If the foot on the leg that is crossing over is pointing toward you, that indicates they are receptive to you. If it’s away from you, it’s pretty much the opposite. Arms crossed indicate discomfort while open body language means the person is at ease when they’re around you. It all applies on the same fundamental level. And realizing this can also be key when assessing whether someone is being honest with you or not…

Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies There are many issues to be concerned with when you’re interacting with someone, but paramount among them is the question of truthfulness between the two of you. And most people really have a lot of difficulty figuring out whether they’re being lied to or not. 111


But since there’s so much ‘sub-communicating’ going on through body language, it’s very easy to tell when someone either isn’t being straight with you or if they feel that you aren’t being straight with them. Again, this is how detectives catch lies from suspects they’re interrogating. They pay attention to the physical movements that are going on along with the suspect’s words. An obvious telltale sign that someone doesn’t like what they hear is that they’ll rub their ears. It’s as if they’re saying “I don’t believe what I’m saying to you right now. I know the information I’m giving you is false. So I’m unconsciously attempting to cover my ears since I don’t want to hear my own lies.” On the flip side, they might also be indicating “I don’t believe what you’re saying to me right now. I know the information you’re giving me is false. So I’m unconsciously attempting to cover my ears so I don’t have to hear your lies. This very same view can be communicated by rubbing one’s mouth instead of one’s ears. It’s more along the lines of “I don’t like what I’m saying, so I’m subconsciously trying to cover my mouth to keep myself from continuing to do the wrong thing and lie to you.” Or “I don’t like what you’re saying to me, but I can’t cover your mouth. So I’ll cover mine instead and hope you do the same thing.” If some of this seems a bit ridiculous, remember one thing… this all consists of communication and thoughts that are just under the surface, so people are not 100% aware of them. But they obviously know when they’re lying. And they obviously know when they think someone else is lying. It seems so simple and direct, but it isn’t since most people aren’t watching for it. When someone rubs their eyes, it’s because they don’t like what they’re seeing. When somebody rubs their arm, it’s because they don’t like how they feel. It really is that simple. 112


Have you ever been annoyed by someone who was ‘twitchy,’ for lack of a better word? Does it ever bother you when someone fidgets, continuously rubs their face, nervously scratches their arm, or does anything other than comfortably sit still? Here’s an even better question… have you ever wondered why you were bothered by it? It’s simple, really. The thing that annoyed you about the person who was doing this …was the basic fact that they were annoyed themselves. Because that’s why they were fidgeting in the first place. And when you were bothered by this subconscious indication that this other person was annoyed… it was because you were subconsciously recognizing discomfort in them, involuntarily empathizing with their negative state, and feeling this negative condition yourself as a result. So while most people don’t consciously pay attention, anyone and everyone is very capable of knowing when something isn’t quite right with whoever they’re interacting with. In order to really understand this, you must first appreciate your own subconscious ability to read a situation for what it is. Like I said before, since humans didn’t always have spoken language, the talent for communicating through facial gestures, tone of voice, and basic body posture is still embedded in our own DNA. It’s a simple question of how aware we are of all of it. But it’s definitely there. That’s where your gut feelings come from. You already know on a certain level what is in your best interest and what is not. That’s why your teachers always used to suggest you go with your first instinct on test questions that you didn’t know. It’s because you really DID know, you just didn’t realize that you knew. Is it any shock that, statistically speaking, students perform better when they go with their first instinct? It’s all about the fact that they already read the situation for what it was and they made an accurate unconscious decision about it.

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Now the disclaimer I should give you here is that you should not take one scratch of the ear and automatically interpret it as something being wrong. What you want to do instead is look for a consistency in behavior. If someone’s covering their mouth at certain points, concerning specific topics, then you can read into it. But if you see them twitch or fidget three times in an hour long conversation, you really shouldn’t be thinking too much about what it may or may not mean. Past that, remember that a lot of people have self-esteem issues, and such self-imposed limits can come to light in situations where one person feels pressure in a conversation. This holds true in many instances, whether it’s from feeling obligated to carry a conversation, feeling obligated to say something interesting, or just feeling burdened in some other way. For example, rubbing one’s ears might not be about believing or failing to believe the truth in another’s words… it might simply be a refusal to accept that truth. Think about it. If someone is criticizing you, and they’re actually right about what they say, you probably still don’t want to hear it. But rather than go the obvious route and tell them to mind their own business, you subconsciously hope they’ll shut their mouth… and this desire is physically manifested in your body language. Since this probably seems a bit complicated at this point, I’d suggest simply getting out there, interacting with others, and learning from your direct experience with them. The more you see, the more you learn. The more you learn, the better you get at this. Only by going through those moments and actually studying the responses and behaviors of others will you actually improve your ability in reading them.

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Going deeper Now that the necessary foundation of inner game knowledge and sub-communication dynamics have been laid out, we are finally ready to begin to explore some of the how-to’s when it comes to carrying yourself in the most charismatic way. And as the next chapter will clearly demonstrate for you, knowing how to carry yourself properly depends on knowing how to carry a conversation.

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Conversation is an art While we’ve already noted that the actual words being spoken account for only about ten percent of person-to-person communication, we also need to remember that the majority of the world still does not realize this. So there’s still a huge emphasis placed on our words in our basic interaction. Our words are still considered to be the primary point of our communication. And the way we use our words really does have a powerful effect… if we know what we’re doing at least. If we understand everything that’s actually going on, conversation is indeed an art. But for years, others have unfortunately been painting the wrong kind of picture for us to base our own success on. For years, we’ve been told to approach conversation in the wrong way, forcing us to judge our ability against overwhelming (and inaccurate) standards.

It’s all Dawson’s fault A few years back, there was a very popular show on the nowdefunct WB network that I just did not enjoy at all. I only gave it a few chances, but in my humble opinion, it failed miserably every time. That program was a little show called Dawson’s Creek. Now there were more than a few flaws with it, but the thing that bothered me most about the show was its pretentious dialogue. It painted a very inaccurate picture of what passes for being charming, charismatic, or just plain interesting, for that matter, when conversing with another. Every single character on the show always had a healthy supply of witty banter at their disposal any time they needed it. One character would shoot some ‘smart’ dialogue at another character, and they in turn would shoot some ‘smart’ dialogue right back. 117


It was like a tennis match. Quip for quip. Shot for shot. Blow for blow. Non-stop. Now for me, this was nothing more than a simple annoyance that I obviously ended up easily avoiding. Since I didn’t watch the show regularly, there was no real opportunity for it to subconsciously influence me. But for those who tuned in on a regular basis, this back-and-forth flow of constant ‘witty’ dialogue was extremely dangerous because it would create an impossible standard to live up to in terms of what it takes to carry anything close to what can be considered a decent conversation. If you watched this show and actually bought into its ‘reality,’ your confidence in your ability to handle yourself in any normal conversation with someone else (particularly someone of the opposite sex that you were interested in) was likely to be at an all-time low. There was just way too much to live up to. The worst offender in this proverbial train wreck was Pacey, played by Joshua Jackson. Most people remember him as ‘that guy that banged that teacher’ since that happened pretty early on in the show’s continuity, and the episodes were so bad that a lot of people stopped watching after that, effectively preventing the character from making any other impression on them. Pacey was unbelievable. A girl might ask him about what he thought of last period’s history test and he would wax poetic about what he had for breakfast that day. His teacher, who probably had a good 15 years on him, would ask him why he’s so sexy, and he’d just have some weird cliché about the meaning of life. It didn’t matter if he was busting tables, banging his girlfriend, or sitting on the toilet. He was ALWAYS ready with a line. Hell, everyone was always ready with a line. Again, I admit that I probably didn’t watch more than seven or eight episodes during the show’s entire run, so I can’t outright say that ‘this is absolutely the way it was.’ But I do know one thing. Every time I tuned in over the years, regardless of the new 118


situations all the characters were in, there was one constant that always remained. EVERYbody had something ‘smart’ to say EVERY time they spoke. Yeah, that’s real life, right?

How do people talk in real life? Now I want you to think about the kind of sequence of events that people were witness to here. For every bit of footage you were viewing, there was a carefully-prepared, fifth-draft script that was written with one goal in mind: to entertain you. But think about everything else you’re witnessing in addition to the characters’ interaction. Between that endless flow of witty banter, you’re treated to commercials, scene transitions, and dramatic background music. But what’s really going on here? Or to put it more aptly, what would really be going on in real life? Well, if there were no commercials and there were no scene breaks and there were no other ways of interrupting the conversation that was taking place between the characters, the writers of the show would effectively go completely insane. Because there’s no way they could write enough dialogue to keep up with Pacey’s pace. There’s no way this kind of witty conversation could ever go past five minutes. That’s just not how life works. Next time you watch a show like this, I want you to think about the sound of crickets or pins dropping during the commercials, because that’s probably what’s going on wherever the characters are at the time. Because they certainly aren’t keeping up all of that dialogue. You only assume they are. And as a result, you only assume that you should be able to do that as well. This assumption may be easy for you to detect IF you are aware that you carry it on a conscious level. As bad as that may be, however, it’s not half as dangerous as if you’re carrying it on an unconscious level… a level where you’re not even aware that you 119


look at yourself or life in this way. Keep in mind, this is MY opinion of Dawson’s Creek. A lot of people apparently enjoyed the show, because it had a pretty good run in terms of ratings. That said, my opinion stands on the negative effect this type of show has had on the socially insecure segment of our population.

Dawson’s only part of the problem Notice that I said ‘this type of show.’ I’m using Dawson’s Creek as a blatant example, but other shows are just as guilty of this skewed presentation of ‘real life’ in other ways. You’ve sat through many shows like this. You’ve sat through many movies like this. You’ve probably read a few books like this as well. And because you’ve had such a high standard to hold yourself up to, you’ve probably (knowingly or unknowingly) struggled to keep up with all the Paceys of the world. There’s just one problem. There are no real Paceys in the everyday life you live. If you or anyone else were to meet someone like Pacey, you’d get sick of them in about the time it takes to scramble an egg. And it’d be a good thing too, because by the time that egg was scrambled, your Pacey would likely run out of clichés, socially relevant comments, or anything else he feels would even come close to resembling an intelligent conversation. He’d then walk away and all you or anyone else would be thinking to themselves is “what a pretentious asshole.”

So let’s get real This brings us to our current dilemma. If we’ve been convinced that this is the way it has to be…. if we’ve been convinced that we need the ability to carry a conversation with this level of skill… 120


how are we ever going to realize that there’s more (or rather, less) to all of that nonsense? How are we going to give ourselves the necessary room to grow? Well, we’re going to do it by simply recognizing that these external influences have no legitimate bearing on real life. And then we’re going to thrive in our pursuit of our desired talents by looking at what actually is instead of what we’ve been told it is. We’re going to look at this vital segment of social dynamics and gain a true understanding of the art of conversation with other people in the real world. We’re going to look at what it REALLY means to carry a conversation with someone else in a charismatic manner. So with all of that said, let’s now delve into the meaning behind the term ‘carry a conversation.’

What does it mean to ‘carry a conversation?’ The phrase ‘carry a conversation’ is actually misleading when it comes to what you’re looking to accomplish. It implies that the burden or the weight of what is said will be resting on your shoulders, and that it will be up to you to ensure that there is a steady flow of words exchanged between you and the other person. But that is actually the exact opposite intent that you should be walking in with. YOU aren’t going to be carrying anything. The other party is. Throughout some parts of this book, it is noted that there are times when a specific approach to engaging another person depends completely on the context of the situation that you’re in. At times, the way you approach someone professionally really can be different than the way you should be approaching them romantically. When it comes to the art of carrying a conversation correctly, however, there’s only one perspective you need to have. And that is the following crucial fact that applies to pretty much every person in every situation on this planet: 121


People love to talk about either themselves or their interests. People love to talk with others about whatever’s going on in their life. They love to talk about their hobbies. They love to talk about their pets. They love to talk about their problems. They pretty much love to talk about anything and everything that has to do with who they are… even the shy ones. So let them!

Let the other person carry the weight Think about it. When someone is talking about themselves, they are in a good mood, because they’re talking about something they’re obviously very interested in. And what image are they associating with their current level of enjoyment? Your face. And when they walk away from the situation, they have nothing but good feelings about who you are… and they don’t even know you! Develop a talent for bringing the conversation back to the person you’re speaking with. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to pick someone up. It doesn’t matter if you’re on a date. Or if you’re trying to sell a client. Or if you’re trying to impress a potential employer. Or if you’re meeting your future in-laws. It just doesn’t matter! It works all the time, every time. So let’s delve into the very best technique for keeping this type of a conversation going.

The Modified Silent Treatment The modified silent treatment is exactly what its title suggests. It is specifically designed so that you are able to demonstrate a maximum level of charisma through a minimum level of word usage. You’re not going to go completely lips-sealed on the person you’re speaking with, but you’re going to consistently 122


direct the conversation in a subtle way that always brings the topic of discussion back to them. What you are about to read are the tools for implementing the modified silent treatment. Notice how I refer to them as tools, and not steps. This is because you don’t have to go in any specific order with these. Some of them you’ll use just once in a conversation. Some of them you might use on a very consistent basis. The frequency of each tool will depend entirely on your comfort, judgment, assessment of the specific situation, and the cooperative nature of the person you’re speaking with. Some people need to be led a little bit while others are happy to carry all of the weight as soon as the opportunity presents itself. The more you use this technique, the better you’ll get, so practice, practice, practice! Embrace the chance to engage in this type a conversation whenever that chance reveals itself.

Here are the tools for The Modified Silent Treatment: Tool #1: Questions This first tool, asking questions, is one of the more obvious ones, but it actually goes a little deeper than you think. You need to remember the whole point of asking someone a question to begin with. The intent is to have them talking about themselves. The point is to have them share their own views. And in order to do this, you’re going to have to understand the value of open-ended questions vs. close-ended questions. The fundamental difference between the two is as follows: A close-ended question can be answered with a simple yes or no. An open-ended one, on the other hand, will require a further explanation and more participation from the other party.

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Examples: Close-ended question: “Did you enjoy your breakfast?” Open-ended question: “WHY did you enjoy your breakfast?” Close-ended question: “Do you follow baseball?” Open-ended question: “So what do you think of baseball?”

Now you shouldn’t feel pressure to ask ONLY open-ended questions, but I highly recommend you do what you can to make sure that the majority of them fall into this category. Close-ended questions will be fine at certain times, but only when you’re able to easily maintain the flow of the conversation after them. At this point, some of you may be thinking “Well, that’s nice… but I already know all this. I mean, who doesn’t figure the best way to carry a conversation is to ask questions? That’s not my problem at all. MY challenge is in figuring out what kinds of questions I should be asking!” Well, there’s a really simple solution to that as well. And it’s the most obvious one. Ask them what you wish to know about them! And how do you know what you want to know about them? Simple: Care!

People care about those who care about them When someone brings up the new house they just bought, if you actually care about them, you’re going to want to know all the details. And so you’re naturally going to ask. If someone plays golf and you’re actually interested in who they are and what 124


makes them tick, even if you have never followed golf in your entire life, you’ll find yourself comfortably and easily asking them questions about the game. If someone recently went on a date, and you want to see them happy, you’re going to ask how that date went. And all of the right kinds of questions to ask will easily reveal themselves since you, as someone who is really interested, will automatically have questions you want answered. Try to think back to a time when you really wanted to know about someone, but couldn’t think of anything to ask. It never happened. Now you might remember having a crush on someone and not being able to think of what to say to them. But that wasn’t because you couldn’t actually think of a question to ask. It was because you just sat through the latest episode of Dawson’s Creek and you couldn’t think of a question COOL enough to ask. You couldn’t think of a question that would make YOU look good. But that was only because you were focused on you instead of your crush. If it didn’t matter what the other person thought of you… if it really was just about learning more about them, the questions would have flowed easily and abundantly. This brings us back to the vital importance of congruency. Considering all of the communication that is going on between people on a subconscious level, the easiest and most effective way to guarantee that you come off a certain way is to actually be that certain way. The only way to make someone think you care is to actually care!

You need to care! It is your responsibility to take an interest. It is your responsibility to genuinely care about the views of the person you’re speaking with. Because only by actually being interested in the needs of someone else will your facial expressions, body 125


posture, body language, inflection, and finally, your words, reflect that impression of genuine interest. You don’t need to ‘learn’ how to LOOK interested. You were already born with that ability. It lives inside of you right now as you’re reading this. And in order to bring that appearance out, you need only carry the feelings behind it. How do you know someone has charisma? Because you easily and immediately like them. Why do most people easily and immediately like others? Because they get a good feeling about them. Why do they get a good feeling about them? Because they can sense that these types of people have nothing but the best of intentions. And with the appearance of good intentions comes the natural cultivation of trust. It’s just that simple. Let a girl talk for 30 minutes about why her fashion designs are going to change the world. She’ll walk away from you thinking “That guy was pretty cool… and he was kind of mysterious too. I wonder what he thought of me.” Let a guy bore you about the perfect game he bowled. He’ll walk away thinking you’re the type of person he’d like to do business with.

Other tools within the context of ‘caring’ Understanding the value of caring is an absolute prerequisite of properly using some of the other tools for carrying a conversation. For instance… Tool #2: Rephrase what they said One of the main things you have to remember is that even the best of people tend to have at least one or two lingering selfesteem issues. As human beings, everyone still carries a fundamental need to be understood by others.

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And even when they know that they’re being crystal clear in their remarks, they often wonder if they’re really getting through to the person they’re speaking with. Despite the solid eye contact and nodding of the other party, they wondering if that person is really even listening. By rephrasing what the other party says to you, you are going to instantly communicate that you are listening. You’re going to be the one who easily understands. You’re going to be the one who ‘gets them.’ And since you’re going to make sure to actually care, it is going to be extremely easy for you to communicate that you get them by simply rewording what they had just said to you. Many times all people are looking for is a little empathy. For example, say the person you’re speaking with says something along the lines of: “My boss is always riding me. He’s always micromanaging everything I do. If I’m late just one time in an entire year, he never lets me hear the end of it, and he says that my work will never be up to standard if I’m not committed to being on time, every time.” Your reply to this person might simply be: “So I guess you’re saying that you wish your boss had a little more faith in your natural ability, and trusted you to get the job done on your own. For what it’s worth, we’ve all been there. The best thing you can do is remember that you ARE capable, and as long as you continue to do the great work that you have been doing, the right people will eventually realize it.” As demonstrated above, when the time calls for it, you might want to throw in a little encouragement without sounding patronizing. Remember, this isn’t ass-kissing, and you should never take that tone. And this isn’t manipulation either. It’s you actually taking an interest, actually caring, and simply communicating these truths to the person you’re speaking with.

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This isn’t about brownnosing Always keep in mind when interacting with another that you are someone who demands respect. So while giving genuine encouragement is okay IF you mean it… and while generously thanking somebody for something is okay IF they deserve it, you always want to do the little things to communicate that you’re not there to cater to them like a servant. This book is about being charismatic. And charismatic people are leaders. And so you should be one as well. This doesn’t mean that you start dishing out orders at any and every opportunity. It simply means you exert your will (in a subtle way) whenever it might help to give the impression that you’re the type of person who counts. For example… Tool #3: Questions in the form of commands or suggestions Like I just said, if you want to be charismatic, you need to be a leader. So lead! Every so often, rather than asking “so what did you do before you graduated?” you might want to phrase it as “so tell me what you did before you graduated.” On the surface, it might seem like a minor difference in the wording of your question, but the impact behind it is huge. Remember, the opinions that people form of you are not all on a conscious level. But regardless of whether it’s conscious or subconscious, they still have a certain feeling and opinion about you that they are aware of. So when you’re leading the conversation… when you’re ‘instructing’ the other person to contribute… when you’re dictating the exact manner in which they are supposed to contribute, you’re sending a very clear message that you do not need them. You let them know that you are someone to be reckoned with. You let them know, without actually telling them, that they should be grateful that you’re even taking the time to speak with them. 128


Your energy and your attention are both highly-valuable commodities. You’re not one to just give them away to just anyone. There should be somewhat of a scarcity to you. We’ve already covered this for the most part. This aspect of charisma creation was mentioned when I spoke about ‘leaning back’ earlier in the book, but I thought I’d mention it here as well since it applies so perfectly to this conversation tool. With that said, considering the fact that you are devoting time and energy during this conversation, in order to keep things running smoothly (and in order to help the other person stay comfortable while they’re revealing personal information to you), it is wise to engage in a complementary mode of behavior… Tool #4: Self-disclosure It’s very important to develop and maintain a trust in any extended interaction with someone else. So while you obviously don’t want to monopolize the conversation, you do want to make sure to offer some information about yourself in a fair give-andtake exchange. For every three or four things the other party tells you about them, you should be willing to offer one thing about yourself. This ensures that they enjoy the conversation, but still get something out of you while in the process. A huge disclaimer I want to add to all of these tools is the fact that it will be squarely on your shoulders to determine when each tool might be appropriate for your own specific situation. For instance, if you’re interviewing for a job, yes, you want to elicit dialogue from the person interviewing you so that they warm up to you. But you’re obviously expected to carry the majority of the conversation in that case since the very nature of the interview entails that you’re the one who’s answering the other person’s questions. So what I’m really trying to say is…

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Use your own judgment when conversing Don’t try to create a non-negotiable formula with the above tools that you will use in every situation regardless of the individual differences. Play around with these tools. Ease yourself into using them. Don’t feel pressure to try all of them out immediately. Remember that this book is a reference guide of sorts. It’s okay for you to start small, experiment with one or two tools, and then when you get more comfortable, begin using all of them at once. This is the very essence of carrying a conversation. Everything you need to get started and find success has been provided above. However, to provide you with even more support, I’m going to delve just a little bit deeper, detailing a few extra tools that you can use to your advantage when carrying a conversation…

More tips for successfully conversing with another Have a couple of default jokes memorized and ready. Whether you find something online or just hear it from a friend, you should definitely make sure to learn one or two really good jokes, word-for-word, to use when or if a situation should come up where they’d come in handy. And make sure they’re tasteful if the situation calls for it. Have a couple of interesting stories memorized and ready. Just as with jokes, having an interesting anecdote or two to carry you through a lull in the conversation can really come in handy. And just as with jokes, make sure they won’t offend anyone if you’re in a professional setting.

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Don’t worry about sounding brilliant with every single word. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be compelling with every word you speak. Nobody’s expecting you to deliver some brilliant routine you’d normally only find in a world class comedian’s act. So relax and actually enjoy your interaction with the people around you. The more fun you’re having, the more fun they’ll have as well. Matching and mirroring the other person’s body posture. By subtly matching and mirroring the body posture of the person you’re interacting with, you will build instant rapport. This kind of behavior is a great way by which you can communicate agreement with the other party on a level beneath their conscious thoughts. They’ll warm to you easier, but they won’t know why. All they’ll know is that they have a good feeling about you. And that ‘good feeling’ will make it that much easier for you to build trust and camaraderie with them. Interpret and analyze the other person’s words. Rather than just rephrasing their words, as was suggested in tool #2, if you’re able to take things to a deeper level and offer insight regarding their challenges, you’ll come across as someone with wisdom beyond your years. And you’ll instantly establish a higher level of respect from the other party. Going back to the example cited in tool #2, where the person said: “My boss is always riding me. He’s always micromanaging everything I do. If I’m late just one time in an entire year, he never lets me hear the end of it, and he says that my work will never be up to standard if I’m not committed to being on time, every time.” A reply to this that would imply a little more understanding and insight might be: 131


“Sounds to me like you’re the self-starting type… the kind of person who’s doesn’t need reminders to be on top of things… someone that’s always where they should be when they need to be and always in control of their circumstances. These are great qualities to have, so don’t let one person’s doubt hold you back. This guy’s probably had so many incompetent employees in the past that he’s forgotten what it’s like to have someone who’s actually got their act together.” You might notice that this response, as opposed to the one that was used for tool #2, demonstrates a better understanding and depth of what’s going on. And it really puts you in a better light in the eyes of the person you’re speaking with. Just remember one thing with all of this… You’re NOT doing this to manipulate the other person. You will not, I repeat NOT be manipulating the person you’re speaking with. This is not about manipulation. This is not about controlling someone else. The only person you will be controlling is yourself. You won’t be using the modified silent treatment to force someone into revealing information about themselves. Instead, you’ll be exercising a little discipline, you’ll be keeping yourself from dictating the direction of the conversation, and by result, you’ll be allowing the other party the opportunity to continue a discussion on whatever they specifically prefer. Only when you realize that you’re not manipulating other people, not harming other people, and not taking advantage of other people, can you eliminate misplaced guilt about engaging in the type of behavior. And only by eliminating this guilt can you effectively utilize these methods, embrace these steps, and find success in this area of your life.

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Now at this point, some of you may be reading this and thinking: “Well, that’s nice, but this assumes that I’ve actually begun the conversation. It makes the assumption that I’m talking with someone else to begin with… that I was able to start that conversation myself. And my discomfort with starting the conversation is actually worse than my discomfort in keeping up with one.” Well, don’t you worry. We are going to examine the dynamics behind breaking the ice and starting a conversation soon enough. But before we do that, there are a few more concepts we need to explore. Two of which are included in the following chapter. They are the concepts of ‘status’ and ‘social proof.’

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Being charismatic is not a judgment or determination made by others about you… it’s a choice YOU make about you for yourself. And if you’ve seen charisma in others and have been able to interpret that charisma as being valid, then you automatically hold all of the tools to have that very same charisma for yourself. And it all really is through your own action and behavior. But as suggested by the fact that there’s a chapter later in this book which is titled “Indicators You’re Making An Impact,” part of that understanding means you also realize that you still need to measure the decisions and determinations that are made by other people. You still need them as a point of reference. You still need them to properly respond to your behavior in order to know that your behavior really is charming and charismatic. It’s in your best interest to know that others are perceiving you in a positive light. Because if they really are looking at you in a favorable way when you’re around, they’ll also positively add to your image when you’re not even there. They’ll tell funny stories about you at parties to people you’ve never even met. They’ll sing your praises to a potential employer if you need a job and there’s an open spot in their company. They’ll tell all their attractive available friends what a great catch you are. Basically, they’ll increase your appeal in some way, shape, or form… and by result, will help enhance your status among others.

What is ‘Status’? Look up the word ‘status’ in any number of dictionaries, and the various definitions you find will make reference to one’s position among other people. And the implication is, of course, that this position is of a higher level. To have status in a specific situation is to have prestige in that situation. To have status in a specific situation is to carry an intangible yet powerful degree of importance. Basically, having status puts you in an automatic position of higher standing than the position of those around you. 135


And as you might imagine, such a position carries with it a certain magnetic appeal. Look at the way people flock to athletes. Look at the way they flock to musicians… or actors… or celebrities of any kind. Those chosen few who have others clamoring for something as simple as a handshake or autograph are the easiest examples to note when examining the powerful effects of status in our society. Those individuals have a certain look or a certain talent or a certain ability that everyone else seems to admire or respect. There’s something about these ‘individuals of importance’ that most people just don’t have, and that fact in and of itself makes these individuals very special. Show me the ugliest guy in the world who hits homeruns on a daily basis and makes millions of dollars… and I’ll show you a guy who has absolutely no trouble at all getting laid. Show me someone who stars in the movie of the year or has the number one video on MTV… and I’ll show you someone who has no trouble at all getting their phone calls returned. Show me someone with an immense level of political pull and the majority of the media behind them… and I’ll show you someone who can get a meeting with the president whenever they really want it. When people have status of some kind, others bend over backwards for them in surprising and astonishing ways. When people have status, walls that would have existed for anyone else become wide open doors. That’s just the way the world works. Leading us to the obvious question: If we don’t have a voice that can get us on American Idol… if we don’t have Michael Jordan’s jump shot…and if we don’t have Brad Pitt’s smile, how are we supposed to achieve the type of status that will really benefit us? How are we supposed to cultivate a level of status that will serve us in our own endeavors? The answer is simple. It will be done through the interpersonal concept known as ‘social proof.’

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Social Proof I was first introduced to the idea of social proof through an author by the name of Bob Burg. And he himself had learned about it from another author, Dr. Robert Cialdini. The understanding of social proof and the acquisition of status basically go hand-inhand. After all, it is our reliance on social proof as a world community that grants certain individuals in certain situations a specific degree of status. Social proof refers to the idea that people look to others when making their decisions. You might as well rename the concept “social dependency.” It basically means that the higher the importance that an individual might place on a certain group (or the more that person might trust in this group), the more that individual will rely on what they feel the group would want or approve of when making a decision. Why do people end up checking out a TV show that’s already been on for two years? Because the people they live with or work with (or are influenced by on some other level) can’t stop raving about it. Admit it. You don’t want to be the one guy at the water cooler who doesn’t know what happened on ‘Lost’ last night. You don’t want to be left out in the cold when others are talking about who got eliminated on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ You don’t feel comfortable suggesting that your company add another million dollars to its advertising budget when every other ‘expert’ in the room thinks the amount of money currently being spent is just fine. As the social creature you are… as the person who’s been brought up their entire life to look to others in almost every situation or circumstance, you’ve been overwhelmingly conditioned to rely on what you think other people’s opinions will be when you speak or act. And I’ve got news for you… so has everyone else.

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I’m reminded of a scene in A Few Good Men where Tom Cruise’s character has Noah Wyle’s character on the stand, and in an effort to prove that Code Reds don’t necessarily have to be in any military book in order for them to be real, he asks Wyle one simple question: (Holding a book on Military protocol) “Can you point out in this book where the mess hall is?” When Wyle says that such information can’t be found in any book, Cruise responds with yet another simple question: “How did you know where to go to eat if it’s not in this book?” Wyle’s reply: “I guess I just followed the group at chow time.” That response is a direct reflection of the way we predominantly operate in the presence of other people. The way we determine what is correct (and what isn’t) is by determining what others consider to be correct. There really isn’t all that much original thought out there. Most of what you think or believe is simply something regurgitated from another source or another person. And odds are that the person you’re getting it from is someone you hold in a high regard. They are someone who emotionally affects you on some level. There’s a reason that most marketing experts tell you that you need testimonials in order to effectively and efficiently make sales. There’s a reason those infomercials spend half their time focusing on the results of people who have already used their product. It’s because people always look to other people. They look for ‘proof’ through that ‘social experience’. And so, the more status that you carry, the more you will enjoy the favorable attention of others based on that principle of social proof. And that is why it’s so vital that you enhance your own status whenever the opportunity presents itself. Bringing us to the following question…

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How do you up your own status? In case you don’t realize it yet, now is probably the best time to let you know that you’ve been trying to up your status (whether you’ve been aware of it or not) since the day you were born. We all learn the value of compromising with our environment in every experience we go through. When you’re a baby and you reach for something that isn’t yours, and an impatient parent slaps your wrist… you’re learning a very powerful lesson through the process of pain. And since most normal people are in a constant state of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, the necessity for status becomes our everyday reality. Everyone cares about status. Everyone tries to put themselves in a better light or on a higher perch. Everyone frames things in a way that presents them as favorably as possible. You ask a gynecologist what he does for a living, and he doesn’t actually answer you by telling you what he does. He answers you by telling you what he is. Because if he’s telling you what he is, he gets to say “I’m a gynecologist.” But if he’s telling you what he does, he has to say “I look at crotches all day long.” The same goes for people telling you what they are. You ask a janitor what he does for a living, and he’ll tell you he’s the company’s interior disposal director. A car salesman is an auto retail specialist. An intern is a vice president of entry level affairs. And statements like these give you a very insightful look on how to acquire a higher status. Don’t be owned by your label.

Don’t rely on titles or labels When it comes to your position in the world around you, you’re either actually important or you’re not. If you rely on your title or label, you communicate a very powerful truth not only to yourself, but to those around you. Allow me to illustrate with the following example… 139


Any comic book fans out there might be familiar with the name Todd McFarlane. Todd first made his mark as an artist on Amazing Spider-Man for Marvel Comics in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Things really took off for him as he worked on the character, even to the point where a brand new Spider-Man series was launched just to keep him working for Marvel. He quickly followed that up by co-founding Image Comics, a publisher which remains among the top comic book companies to this day. Through Image, Todd introduced his famous comic series Spawn and broke all prior independent sales records for a comic’s first issue. And it didn’t stop there. Reader loyalty to the series was so high for such a consistent length of time, that Todd was eventually able to transition Spawn into toys and an HBO animated series and even a major motion film. Today he heads one of the world’s foremost toy manufacturing companies, a ground breaking entertainment division, and the original publication studio that still puts out the Spawn comic book. But through that entire growth process… as he was launching company after company and was making millions upon millions of dollars… whenever someone would ask what he did, he didn’t say “I’m the President of Todd McFarlane Productions.” He didn’t say “I’m the co-founder of a revolutionary new comic publishing company.” He simply said “I draw comic books.” Because he knew. He understood that you don’t need an important title to be important. He knew who he was. He was a winner. He was an entrepreneur. And no title could ever give that to him or take it away. It’s all in how you carry yourself. It’s all in how you react to the circumstances you’re confronted with. With that in mind, there’s another thing that you can do to enhance your status that’s both simple and obvious… 140


Never Overreact By reacting to things in a careless or irrational manner, you immediately tell those around you that you are not in control of yourself. And that is the exact opposite of the message you should be sending. You should never lose your cool. You should never let others know that they have the power to affect you. That’s why when a girl rubs you leg on a date, you don’t automatically rub back like every movie or TV show you’ve ever seen has told you to do. You hang back a little. You create tension. You demonstrate that you’re not needy. That’s why you wait until the end of the date to kiss her. You’re waiting because you can. And you’re making her wait to demonstrate that you’re not going to rely on her approval like every other guy she’s dated. And making her wait increases her anticipation, which in turn, increases your status and value. The power behind this behavior is more magnetic than you can ever hope to realize. And it’s not just for physical contact. It’s for anything. It’s fun to tease by telling someone you’ve got a secret, and when it’s obvious that you’ve baited them properly and they really want to know, you tease them more by saying “I’ll tell you later.” On the other hand, if someone tries to pull this kind of routine on you, don’t grab for the bait like everyone else. Don’t give any indication that you really need to know whatever it is that they have to say. Because to do that would be to overreact. And we don’t overreact. Another thing we don’t do is give too much of ourselves too often. We lower the supply and up the demand.

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Create demand for yourself We touched on this idea throughout the Inner Game chapter, so I recommend you look that over again and note how ‘leaning back’ ups your status. Note how ‘leaving them wanting more’ (as in that chapter’s Seinfeld reference) ups your status. Note how creating any situation where they’re pulled into you ups your status. That’s where the true value of creating demand for yourself becomes easily apparent.

A little of you goes a long way People will unconsciously and automatically embellish facts about you based on the limited (yet direct) impression you provide them with. If you just give them a little good, their imagination will create a lot more out of it. In other words, if you offer just a little reasonable and discernable evidence that you are an authority when it comes to interior design or fashion or sports or medicine or anything else…people will immediately rationalize to fill in all of the blanks that support whatever notion you’re presenting to them. Your silence really does speak volumes. You can ride one good joke or one insightful comment or one display of confidence all night long. Your status will instantly be established the moment you dictate who you are to others (through simple actions and words that they can be left to interpret).

Let your legend grow This kind of thing can really snowball, and before you know it, the momentum you allow others to build up for you can suddenly make your exploits or your personality or some other quality 142


about you legendary. An aspect of social dynamics that really clarifies this for you can be found in the concept of the rare commodity.

The power of being a rare or exclusive commodity When Jay-Z “retired” from Hip Hop a couple of years ago, he suddenly infused a feeling of ‘lack’ in all of the people who enjoyed and supported his music. Suddenly, there was something that everyone had been taking for granted that was about to be taken away from them. They began starting to miss it before it was even gone. They began to feel they needed even more of it than they originally thought they did. And this feeling took on a life of its own. A real momentum emerged. And Jay-Z, who was already a highly-successful force in the Rap community, suddenly found it even easier to sell out shows and increase CD sales. Now that he’s officially back, the boost in fan appreciation and demand is still there. Since it had already been created, it already now exists, and so far Jay has been smart enough to not do anything that might tarnish it. That’s why albums normally take at least three years to come out from each artist. There’s a concern of over-exposure. That’s why people love underdogs… they’re something new. They’re something that hasn’t been seen before. And that’s why the concept of ‘leaning back’ that I introduced in the Inner Game chapter is so powerful. The more of a rare or exclusive commodity you are, the higher your status will be. Always keep that in mind when you’re interacting with other people. A word of caution, however. Use common sense when you’re leaning back. Don’t “hold yourself back” from a client who’s expecting your phone call. Don’t “hold yourself back” from attending a fun event because you want people to miss you. 143


This concept of leaning back is more for the purposes of creating sexual tension by not being so quick to initiate physical contact. This concept is so that you don’t bombard someone with calls or e-mails just because you ‘miss them.’ This concept is about maintaining discipline and having some self-control. So be sure to use it for that purpose. When you’re only spending five minutes on the phone (and the only reason you’re on the phone in the first place is to set up the next date) RATHER THAN just talking about how your day was for an hour and a half, then you’re “leaning back” the right way. When you come to work late and leave early, you’re doing it the wrong way. The obvious difference between those two examples should give you all the perspective you need to do it right. With the value of status and social proof now established, it’s time to explore one of the most powerful methods by which you’ll be able to enhance your position among those around you. This method, if used properly, can carry such a heavy level of influence, that your results will be hard to believe at first. This method is the proper use of humor. And that is the subject of the very next chapter…

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Everyone uses humor (or at least tries to do so) when they’re interacting with others. Humor is a basic fundamental tool of everyday communication. And everyone always seems to want to be in on the joke. But have you ever wondered why?

Humor as a form of status enhancement What is humor? And what influence does it carry over how charming and charismatic you can be? Have you ever thought about these questions? Have you ever thought about the impact humor has and the reason it has it? Do you even know what humor really is? In terms of a standard definition, humor can be described as either something that is amusing and comical… or the ability to perceive something that is amusing and comical. There’s an obvious implication that something is eliciting joy and laughter, but there is also an underlying implication that whatever caused that laughter was unexpected to a certain extent. People hear the word ‘humor’ and they think ‘funny.’ But humor is so much more than that. Humor is a tool for status enhancement. Humor is something that elevates your social standing among the people around you. Keep in mind the following disclaimer, however: While humor may place you in a favorable light socially, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be the one causing the laughter in order to climb that ladder of status with everyone else. And that really brings us to the real purpose behind humor. Humor is a tool for blending in and being a part of the crowd. It’s a tool for gaining acceptance.

I’m laughing, so I must belong Try and think back to a situation where someone was telling a joke that you did not find funny at all. But at the conclusion of 146


the joke, everyone around you burst out into laughter. What did you do? Did you just stand there with an emotionless look on your face, eyeing the joke teller in a condescending way? Did you give any kind of indication that you didn’t enjoy the joke? Of course not. In fact, odds are pretty high that you erupted into a minor fit of laughter yourself, or in the very least, you put a huge smile on your face. If others are laughing at something, and we are not, then we are automatically separating ourselves from that group in a negative way. We are, in effect, excluding ourselves from a position of worthiness among those around us. Remember my detailing of social proof from the last chapter? Well, surprise, surprise…it looks like this aspect of interpersonal communication carries its weight in virtually every category of social dynamics… including the impact of humor. With that understanding, here’s something interesting to think about: If you’re basically ‘forced’ through social pressure into laughing when others around you laugh, are they not likely to feel that very same social pressure when you say something ‘funny’ yourself? Simply realizing this puts you at a tremendous advantage. That said, there is something very important you need to understand about humor. While using it properly will obviously enhance your charisma to a significant extent… improper use of it will surely lead to your downfall. So before we get ourselves committed to using humor as a tool for charisma creation, let’s look at some of the liabilities we face when we depend on it for social success.

Humor as a liability Most people fall into one or both of the following categories regarding the role of humor in creating charisma: 147


Those who think they’re funny when they’re not and Those who think they need to be funny when they don’t. Let’s talk about that second category first...

You don’t need to be funny in order to be charming You can’t really blame someone for wanting to be funny. After all, the positive effects of comedy and humor are so blatant and obvious, you’d think that we would have scientists hard at work trying to figure out how to bottle it up. Hey, we probably do. If I were to ask you to picture someone who’s the life of every party you’ve ever attended, you’d probably visualize someone in the center of a crowd putting the finishing touches on some brilliant joke that has everybody around him laughing hysterically. You’d be feeling how everyone warms to him. You’d be feeling the awesome control and captivating power he holds over them. You’d be imagining how great it would be to fill those shoes for just one day in your life. And so it comes as no surprise that many of us are inclined to think that being funny opens many doors that would otherwise be closed. After all, this is obviously true. Humor is a very powerful weapon to wield in the world of social dynamics. If used properly, one can enhance their charm at least tenfold. But while it’s an extremely useful way to gain acceptance from others, it’s not an absolute necessity. And people really need to understand that if they want to be successful in their interaction with others. This is because humor can only be used as a tool. It can never …and should never… be used as a crutch. I encourage you to think of humor as the icing and every other positive aspect of your personality as the cake. Are there really that many people in the world who are happy to just have the icing alone? 148


All humor can do is add flavor to something that’s already there. It can’t stand on its own. So if all you’ve got in your social arsenal is humor, you’ll quickly find yourself on the outside looking in, wondering why it wasn’t enough. You don’t NEED to be funny all the time. Actually, you don’t even need to be funny some of the time. Now that I think about it, you don’t need to be funny at any time. You only think you do thanks to that wonderful social conditioning we’ve been talking about throughout this book. Here we are back at square one, watching another episode of Dawson’s Creek, witnessing Pacey charm the panties off some naïve girl with some pseudohumorous line about the corn flakes he had for breakfast that morning. Here we are convinced that we HAVE to be just as funny to get any action. Here we are, fooled again. Is James Bond funny? No. Is he charismatic? Absolutely. I can easily throw you a couple of non-fictional examples as well, but I think Bond does the best job of communicating the ability to be likeable or appealing without using humor or comedy. You don’t need humor, so don’t fool yourself into thinking that you do. So at this point, you’re probably thinking “alright, I get it. I need the other stuff first. I need to be able to read body language. I need to be able to easily start and carry conversations. I need to understand the value of eye contact. I need to carry myself with confidence. I need all of these things for a proper foundation to a charming personality. But since I’m going to have all of that first, why can’t I have humor as well? Since you brought up the icing metaphor, let me put it this way: why can’t I have my cake and eat it, too? Why can’t I have humor at my disposal in addition to all of my other charisma creation tools?” My answer to that is simple. You can… but just make sure you don’t feel like you NEED to. 149


Because that feeling of necessity will most likely force you into the first category I mentioned above: those who think they’re funny when they’re not.

Don’t try to be funny unless you actually are Understand this: While humor can be a huge asset for those who actually know how to use it, it can be even more of a liability for those who can’t. There is no easier way to lower your status among your peers than to appear to be trying to be funny and miserably failing in that effort. If you don’t believe me, think back to anyone you know who used to tell horribly boring jokes. Or someone who had a laugh so plastic, you knew even they didn’t think they were funny. Do you feel that negative perception you have of them right now? That feeling of pity and disappointment? That’s what’s happening to you every time you try to be funny without actually knowing what you’re doing. A sense of humor is something that has to be developed over time. It comes with testing the waters. It comes with experimenting in different social environments. It comes with an understanding of what humor really is. And the truth of what humor truly is might surprise you...

What humor actually is Humor is, by nature, an aspect of communication that always ends up degrading someone or something in some way. This definition, besides seeming almost too simple, probably seems a little harsh as well. As humans, we don’t want to believe that anything that causes joy can be linked to something that carries such a negative connotation. But if you think back to any time you have ever found something funny… and you try to figure out if there was a target that the joke was aiming at… you’ll locate one easily. 150


So just be sure to keep this truth in mind when you begin to develop your own style. It carries you a lot farther and a lot quicker if you realize that there is always a target. This certainly doesn’t mean that every joke ever written is malicious in nature or that it’s told with the intention of actually hurting someone. It simply means that there is something that’s being attacked (in an aggressive OR a non-aggressive way) in the process. Now because a sense of humor is dictated by the varied experiences of each individual person, it’s impossible to give you an instant formula that will automatically make you funny to all the people around you. So instead, I want to offer you a specific approach that will accelerate your positive results for you. The success of this method obviously depends on how consistently you use it. The more energy you put in, the higher your comfort level rises. The more comfortable you are, the more natural you feel. And the more natural you feel, the funnier you actually end up becoming. And all it requires is an insightful view of how one should specifically use humor.

How to use humor As I mentioned earlier in this chapter, not only is there a target in every successful aspect of comedy, but there is the element of surprise as well. The quality that really elicits laughter out of people is the fact that whatever information is actually being offered… turns out to be information that was completely unexpected. Allow me to clarify my point by offering my own rendition of a joke I once heard. For any of you who are a little sensitive (and I’m hoping there’s very few of you, since thick skin is vital to charisma creation anyway), I should warn you that the following joke isn’t exactly something you might consider to be ‘in good taste.’

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The joke basically details an old married couple driving down a hill with sharp turns and obscured views one stormy evening. Between the heavy rainfall and the man’s failing eyesight from old age, an accident is virtually guaranteed to happen eventually. And it does. Out of the blue, a skunk wanders in front of the car, and the old man hits it dead on. Shocked, the couple stops the car and gets out to check and see if they killed the skunk. They notice the little critter is twitching ever so slightly and needs immediate medical attention. So they quickly take the skunk with them into the car and decide to try and find an all-night vet to attend to the wounded animal. But the fact that the skunk was out in the cold rain was not helping matters one bit. The animal needed a source of warmth right away. But the car’s heater was broken, so there weren’t many options. Thinking on his feet, the old man suggested to his wife that she put the skunk between her legs to keep it warm while they search for a vet. “Between my legs?!,” she exclaimed. “But what about the smell??!!” The old man flatly replied “just cover the poor thing’s nose.” I’m pretty sure that at this point you can easily identify the target in that joke. But more importantly for what I’m trying to communicate here, you see the value of a surprise twist as well. You understand the impact made by unexpected information. With all this in mind, I suggest that you embrace the lack of predictability needed to succeed in humor… and simply do what is unpredictable. Frame either yourself (or someone else) outside of their usual realm of normal circumstances. Place them in a foreign reality. Impose a different role in life on them. In other words, whether the target is you or whether it’s someone or something else, utilize the highly effective method of rolereversal humor. 152


Role-Reversal Humor – a powerful approach Many reading this are probably familiar with the sitcom Seinfeld. It was a huge part of NBC’s ‘must see TV’ campaign from a few years back, and it still has a lot of success in reruns. Earlier in this book, I actually already made reference to one of the main characters, George Costanza. George is legendary for his struggles in life, particularly with women. But there’s one episode in which he defiantly concludes that since everything he does has been getting him nowhere… then by reasonable logic, the opposite of his instincts must be a way that he can turn things around and start to succeed in life instead. So he starts doing all the things most people have been programmed not to do. He’s completely candid with others about the fact that he’s unemployed and lives with his mother. He no longer placates to women the way they are used to. He disregards every natural instinct that comes to him… and actually goes to great lengths to do the exact opposite. And everything immediately turns around for him. He becomes more appealing to women. He scores himself a job with the New York Yankees (by telling off owner George Steinbrenner). He basically has everything that used to go wrong for him suddenly go right instead. There’s one line in the episode where a girl, now enamored with him, breathlessly asks “Who are you, George Costanza?” To which he answers “I’m the opposite of every guy you’ve ever met.” And she can’t help but be attracted to him. Because that unexpected and unpredictable aspect of his personality is exactly the thing that’s been missing in her life and all the other men she was used to dealing with. And that’s why role-reversal humor is so powerful. It’s something new. It’s something fresh. It’s something they’ve never seen before. And its ability to attract will astonish you. 153


When you go outside the norm, you have to realize that this kind of dramatic decision automatically takes you on a journey that most people aren’t willing to take themselves. And something with that kind of power behind it is without a doubt a quality worthy of respect. So now that we understand its value, let’s take a look at some basic ways in which you can employ role-reversal humor and apply it to your own specific desired area.

Using Role-Reversal Humor in Male-Female dynamics I want to reiterate at this point that the way you choose to implement certain tools for making yourself more appealing really does depend on the context in which these tools are used. Humor, for example, takes on an entirely different life when used in dating and relationships as opposed to being used in other areas of life, like business. In dating and relationships, you can push the envelope a little more, and you’re actually encouraged to do so. You aren’t boxed into an environment where you have to maintain the attitude of a consummate professional. Obviously, your limits will be dictated to a certain extent by your audience… but you should realize that sexually explicit humor, for example, will always find a warmer welcome on a date than it might in the office. Role-reversal humor can be a tremendous asset to men in particular. As society continues to paint the picture that it’s always the men who are pursuing the women, guys are given a fantastic opportunity to turn the tables and behave as if the opposite is true. And if done right, this method of attracting women is not only easy to use, but highly effective as well.

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For example, if a girl compliments you on your eyes or your smile or something else physical about you, you tell her “nice try, but I’m not some piece of meat. You’re going to have to prove you want me for more than just my sexy body if you ever want to get anywhere with me.” Or if a girl is hesitant to give you her phone number, you tell her “listen, I’m only going to call you seven times a day, desperately begging you each time to let me spend my life savings on lobster dinners for you, so just relax and give me those digits.” Or when she offers to pay for coffee you tell her “you can’t buy me.” If you can do ANYTHING to tease her in a way that suggests you’re not like all those other guys who like to be walked on a leash, you will be communicating something extremely powerful here. Because getting back to congruency… and getting back to making sure you never rely on the approval of others… and getting back to making sure you never act needy… you will want to communicate this truth about yourself anyway. You will want to put this authentic ‘you’ on display for all to see. So you might as well do it in a fun way. But it goes deeper than just reversing the stigma of males pursuing females. Overweight guys can joke about their sexy bellies. Bald guys can joke about their sexy, flowing locks. Short guys can joke about their imposing presence. It’s all about taking real situations and throwing them back in reality’s face. And the effects of this kind of behavior are nothing short of amazing. They have to be seen to be believed. Just trust me, try it, and see for yourself. Like I said, though, when we’re talking about role-reversal humor in other situations that have nothing to do with MaleFemale dynamics, the rules change a bit…

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Using Role-Reversal Humor in professional environments The use of role-reversal humor (or the use of any kind of humor, for that matter) requires a different approach and sensibility when it’s being applied to an office environment. As a professional, the behavioral standards by which you are judged against are a lot more stringent.

Tread lightly Humor in the office is completely dependent on the culture of that specific company. But regardless of how lenient one office might be as compared to another, the fact remains that you have a lot less room to play with regarding the comedy you’re allowed to use. The wisest thing you can do in this type of situation is to let others set the tone and then follow suit. Now I know that I don’t say that often, and I rarely suggest this kind of approach in this book or any other material that I teach. After all, I really do want you to view yourself as a leader and I want your behavior to reflect this. But when the stakes are higher, and you’re less experienced, it’s better to be safe than sorry. If you’re courting a potential client, and they’re very free with their profanity, it would then obviously be safer for you to use profanity yourself than if it were a situation where they were a little more uptight. The same goes for toilet humor, religious humor, gender humor, or any other sensitive category you can think of. But always be on your guard. Never step out of line, even if they do. And don’t feel obligated to mirror their behavior. Simply realize that it’s probably safer to behave in a certain manner AFTER you’ve already seen it demonstrated by the other party. With that disclaimer noted, let’s remember the overall purpose behind using comedy in our interaction with others… 156


Remember why you’re being funny in the first place This is all about having fun. When you have fun, others have fun. When everyone’s having fun, everyone wants to be included. When you’re the focal point of what everyone wants to be included in, your status goes up. The beauty of all of this is that not only will the rewards you reap through your use of humor be enjoyable… but the actual process of using that humor will be fun as well. Another win-win situation for all involved …one in which you can continue to create your charisma.

Extra Humor Tips While we’re still in this chapter, here are just a few more extra tidbits of insight I want to give you so that you can get the most mileage out of your own brand of humor. Use them wisely and use them well.

Don’t use self-deprecating humor One of the examples I brought up earlier was a short guy joking about his imposing presence. This is okay because his dialogue describes a favorable situation. You never want your humor to go in the other direction. You never want to actually put yourself down, even if it’s just a joke. You don’t want to say things like “yeah, he put me in charge of buying Christmas presents for the orphanage, and we all know how forgetful and careless I am…” And the reason you don’t want to take your humor in this direction is because when you put yourself down, even jokingly, you communicate to others on a subtle level that you don’t think very highly of yourself. And so they in turn begin to think less of you as well. 157


You don’t want to get in the habit of supporting thoughts that are self-destructive, even if they are just a joke. You always want to joke in a way that suggests your greatness. Remember, in every moment of your life, you’re either conditioning yourself to be something you want to be… or you’re conditioning yourself to be something that you don’t want to be. But past that bit of advice, don’t hold yourself back. Don’t worry about being funny. Don’t constantly concern yourself with telling the ‘right’ kind of joke or making someone laugh a certain number of times during a conversation.

The less you care, the funnier you are The less concerned you actually are about being funny, the funnier you’ll probably actually end up being. Because when you’re not constantly walking on egg shells, looking over your shoulder, or hopelessly wondering if everyone likes you, you’ll be a lot looser and things will just flow naturally. You’d be surprised at what people will laugh at. There are times when I just make some random offhand comment, and there’s one person in the room who just can’t stop themselves from laughing. These are times when I’m not trying to be funny at all, but instead (and note the difference) I’m just trying to have fun.

Let your humor reflect your own style Another thing you have to understand about humor is that everyone has their own style. And this is simply because everyone has their own unique personality. So rather than trying to mimic someone else’s approach to humor, you might instead want to develop your own. After all, if the things you joke about do not reflect the things you actually find funny, you’ll lack congruency, everyone will see right through you, and nobody will find you funny. 158


Whenever I run workshops and I’m covering the value of humor, I always try to demonstrate different approaches to humor for the simple purpose of showing everyone that any style can be effective so long as it’s genuine. I’ll read an old parody blog I wrote for one of my past websites. Or I’ll hand out dialogue from a made up chat room conversation where the punch line is in the form of a cartoon drawing. Or I’ll do something else entirely different. But I’ll always effectively communicate that humor really is about the person providing it, so I highly recommend you take me at my word on that and start drawing from the funny things you find in your own life. Remember…

The whole point of using humor is to have fun! I just suggested it a few paragraphs up, but I’ll say it one more time. You’re using humor to have fun. That means not only does everyone else enjoy themselves, but you enjoy the moments as well. Even when you overdo it, a lot people will love you. Just make sure you’re always smiling, always laughing, and always having a good time. Who do you think the girls flock to in the club? The guys who look like they’re having a good time. Who do the guys feel more comfortable in approaching? The girls who look like they’re having a good time. What’s the point of this all?? To have a GOOD TIME! And speaking of having a good time, it is that very perspective you should be going in with when you tackle that very first date. You should be enjoying yourself rather than wondering if the person you’re out with is enjoying you. Read on to the next chapter to find out what I really mean by that.

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Allow me to throw a situation at you and you let me know if it’s vaguely familiar. You’re on a first date with a girl. You spend the first ten minutes or so trading vitals (where you’re from, what you do, etc.). You finish that segment and start thinking of other things to say or talk about. But you can’t think of anything. Things get awkward pretty quickly. But then you’re saved when the waiter arrives with your drinks. You desperately ask her what drink she ordered (even though you were obviously there when she ordered it, and now either look like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing or that you can’t remember jack). She realizes you’re reaching, tells you what she’s drinking, but has a knowing look on her face that you’re bombing on this date big time. You struggle to talk about something else until the waiter finally saves you again twenty minutes later – this time with dinner. You know you won’t have any kind of reprieve until he returns with dessert menus or the check. Now you’re on your own. But you’re just as inept as you were when you first ordered drinks, so all you can do is hide behind the chewing of your own food and the forced repetition of questions you already asked her. She’s not helping at all, by the way, and is happy to let you crash and burn since you’re obviously not up to the task (and don’t deserve her sympathy anyway). You end the night with an awkward hug, you go home, you touch yourself, and you wonder why you couldn’t even score yourself a kiss. Have you ever been there before? Of course you have. You been groomed your entire life for these kinds of moments. You’ve seen about one tenth of the required seduction sequence on television, and have been left to fill in the missing blanks yourself. You’ve done so by reading books by out-of-touch ‘love doctors’ who can’t even get laid themselves, and you’ve followed 161


their inaccurate advice to a tee, only to fail miserably. You’ve taken advice from well-meaning, yet highly misinformed friends. But worst of all, when all of these steps have failed you, you have continued to repeat them anyway. I think it may have been Einstein who defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Obviously, this is definitely not the best way to approach things. Put simply, the key to doing things right… is to stop doing them wrong. So let’s look at all the things that are done wrong on a first date so that we can start to do them right.

The life story The first mistake a guy makes when he’s on an initial date is that he tries to get both his and his date’s life stories out on the table right away. Not only is this type of behavior predictable and boring (which is one of the harshest charisma killers out there), but it defeats the whole purpose of going out on a date to begin with. Sure, you want to get to know the person sitting across the table from you, but you want to have fun with them as well. And the type of cupcakes I had for my second grade Christmas party is not exactly a fun topic of discussion. Nor is the number of siblings I have, the career path I’m on, or the geographic location of my parents. I mean, really, who cares? Who really wants to know that stuff? Is that what you’re really being judged on (and believe you me, you ARE being judged – another issue we’ll talk about soon)? Of course not. Unless one of you has five kids, a psychotic ex, an unflattering STD, a third nipple, or extremely stringent religious beliefs, does it really have to come up right away?

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What you’re being judged on is how engaging and interesting you can be. Or to put it in a more useful way, you’re being judged on how fun it is to be around you. You’re being judged on the kinds of feelings you evoke in her. Remember the value of the modified silent treatment from earlier in this book? It’s a little different on a date. In dating, you’re responsible for contributing to the conversation as well. With that said, however, you should still allow your date to do a lot of the work. After all, people do love talking about themselves, and the more they talk, the better you will be able to determine what kind of person they are. Getting your life story should feel like pulling teeth for the person you’re out with. You really don’t want to make it easy on them. You want to joke and tease and bust balls and keep a little mystery going. And you want to have fun with it. And when you’re a beginner at all of this, you want to take it to the extreme… because what you do for a living doesn’t define you. Who your parents are doesn’t define you. And what you had for breakfast this morning does not define you. If I’m on a date, and she asks me what I do, I sarcastically say “I work, of course.” Then she’ll push it with a “no, I mean what is your job?” and I’ll say “to make money.” And when she pushes with a “well, what do you DO to make money?” I come right back with a “well, what do YOU do?” and before you know it, time seems to be flying by, and you’re one of the most interesting people she’s met all year. Because by doing the exact opposite of what everyone else has been programmed to do, you’re offering your date an intriguing and original challenge.

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Body parts aren’t the only difference between guys and gals Guys like straight answers. They like being direct. They like keeping it simple. Women, not so much. Women enjoy reading into things. They enjoy interpreting behavior, even when the behavior has no depth to it at all. Don’t you worry, they’ll find a way to put a spin on the way you drink your coffee, and they’re the first to admit it. So when you’re on a date, you have to realize that the things that appeal to you might not necessarily be appealing to her. This is where being a challenge, being a bit cocky, being a bit unpredictable, and making sure to do it all in good humor really carries its power.

Have a REAL conversation Don’t be scared to have a real conversation on a date. Don’t be scared to treat it like you’re talking things over with an old friend or a kid sister. Don’t be scared to express your opinion of things, even if this opinion is not necessarily shared by your date. And don’t be scared to shake things up a little. When people really hit it off on a date, even if they make the mistake of starting with the ‘life story’ stuff, it’s really because the conversation actually ends up turning into…a conversation. Make fun of your date’s shoes. Critique the latest episode of ‘Lost.’ Separate yourself from every other guy that has ever been on a date with this girl.

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Remember who’s here to impress who Remember when we discussed the pitfalls of seeking approval? In no environment is this more important to remember than on a date with someone you are really interested in. A few paragraphs up, I briefly mentioned that you’re judged pretty harshly when you’re on that first date. My question to you is: why should you care?? If your date wants to hold you up to her high standards, that’s just fine. That’s her life, her decision, and her choice to make. That’s her business. But your business is on the other end of the spectrum. You are there to judge her. Instead of timidly saying to yourself “I hope she likes me, I hope she likes me, I hope she likes me,” what you should instead be asking yourself is “Do I like her?” “Is she living up to MY standards?” “Is she worthy of MY time and attention?” Because she’s definitely thinking the same thing about you. And by holding that very same standard, you achieve a vital shift in attitude that allows you to be yourself, effectively removing the actual outcome of the date from your list of concerns (and really, who cares if this one date doesn’t work out anyway?). This, in turn, prevents you from being needy, weak, and unattractive. Getting back to the conversation for a moment, you really should be judging her by how well she can hang in there with you. And if she’s failing in her responsibility, you have yourself a tailormade opportunity to show her you’re not like all those other boring guys she’s been out with in the past. Bust on her for not keeping up with you. Actually say it out loud to her. “I know you’ve gotten by on your looks for a long time, but you’re out with me now… and I really need someone who can keep up with me in a conversation. I’ve started five topics now, and you’ve dropped to ball on all of them. So give me something to work with here.” 165


You’re probably not used to being that bold, and that’s okay. In the beginning, say it with a smile (although it’s a lot more powerful with a straight face), and just get yourself used to doing some things, that while in line with your true self, are not actions you’ve outwardly taken on a regular basis. Remember, a key to all of this is stepping outside of your usual comfort zone. And while we’re on this topic of pushing yourself further, part of that means dating in an environment that, while not necessarily strange in and of itself, does not fit in with the way you’ve been doing things in the past. For instance…

No more restaurants… no more expensive dinners… no more ‘buying’ your date You really should think about the message you’re sending when you take someone out. And I’m talking about the impression created by every single choice you make. From the way you dress to the time of day you’re going out to the actual location of the date itself. That last one is a huge issue. Have you ever stopped to think that taking someone you barely know out to an expensive lobster dinner might be sending her the wrong message? Have you ever thought it might be saying something like “I’m trying to buy you with this lavish experience.” Or “If you order from the right side of the menu, I’m definitely expecting some action later on.” Or “My company alone is not worth much, so I need to make up for it by spending a lot of money on you.” You need to get straight on who you are and what you’re worth. And the moment you rely on the location of the date rather than the value of your own company is the moment you are unworthy of any favorable attention that you were hoping for. The dinner is not the important part of her experience. The ambiance is not the important part of her experience.

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The wine… or the flowers… or anything that costs money… is not the important part of her experience. The ONLY thing that matters when it comes to her enjoyment of the evening is YOU. If you’re a boring unoriginal loser, who cares how good the lobster is anyway? If you can’t keep up a decent conversation or do anything on your own to ensure she’s having a good time, then the only thing that wine will be good for is numbing her pain. If you want a solid first date that sends the clear and direct message that the only thing she should care about is how you make her feel… then take her out for a simple cup of coffee or a drink at the bar. Or for those who graduate to a higher level in the game, do something creative where you don’t even spend money on her. Have her go shopping with you and bounce ideas off each other on the type of shirts you should buy (and if she picks something you don’t really like, be sure to make fun of her choice… just to keep things interesting). Or on a second or third date, just go to the park and throw a frisbee around. In other words, do things that are really about the actual interaction between the two of you. Now, don’t read into this the wrong way. I’m not suggesting that you don’t treat your date well or that you don’t take your time together seriously. And I’m not saying you should never spend any money on her. But remember, we’re talking about the first date here. We’re talking about someone you don’t know all that well yet. She doesn’t know if you’re worth her time yet? Well, you don’t know if she’s worth your time either. And implying otherwise in your action immediately puts you in a position of weakness. It’s also very boring and predictable.

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You have to let go of all the usual concerns you’ve conditioned yourself to worry about. You have to quit wondering if she’s into you. You have to just experience the date for what it is, not what it might lead to. You have to let go of anything that might be weighing on your mind, let go of what might be, and look at what already is.

Don’t overly invest in the outcome If the date doesn’t go absolutely perfect, I’ve got news for you… it’s not the end of the world. Maybe you’re just not her type. Maybe she’s just not yours. Or maybe you’re not doing so well because your thoughts aren’t where they should be. Maybe you’re so worried about getting her to like you, getting a kiss, getting laid, getting a second date, getting engaged, getting married, or getting anything that isn’t happening right now… that you’re just not focused on where you should be. You’re not focused on the present moment. Think about the now, not about the later. Think about the process, not about the outcome. Be in the moment. Because only in the moment itself will you ever be effective. Only in that ‘now’ moment will you be attractive, appealing, different, and interesting.

Keep it interesting An evening out should be a stimulating experience. And remember, what guys find stimulating isn’t exactly the same thing that appeals to women. Women want a fun story to tell their friends. Women enjoy the feeling of trying to figure you out. Women WANT to be challenged.

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Now I’m not saying you should torture her or anything. If you think she has low self-esteem, I’m certainly not suggesting you take a few cheap shots at her. I’m simply telling you to behave in a way that suggests that you’re not intimidated by her and that you are very selective in who gets to hang out with you. Because, as we once again make note of congruency, if you really want to be charismatic, these ideas should be true representations of who you are anyway. Speaking of being selective…

Don’t schedule a second date on the first one Let me ask you a question. Is there ANY mystery at all to the statement “so let’s hang out again” when you’re still actually out on that first date?? I mean really, what the hell is wrong with you? Why not just come out and say “I really like you, so please don’t wonder about me, don’t wonder about whether I’m into you, don’t think about how great this date was, don’t wonder if you were cool enough to get another shot at me, and don’t let your attraction exponentially build up for me over the next couple of days.” How far you go with her on that first date is up to you both. But no matter how far it goes, there will be no “so let’s do this again” coming out of you. If she brings it up, you ask her “well, what’s in it for me?” If she doesn’t bring it up, you simply say “Good night, thanks for boring me all evening.” and be on your way. And yes, I really mean you should say that. And yes, she’ll know you’re kidding. And yes, if she doesn’t actually know you’re kidding, maybe you want to invest your time in someone a little smarter. After all, you need someone who’s going to be able to keep up with how fun you are. And you are going to be fun, for that is the path to dates 2, 3, 4, 5…. 169


The way to date #2 is by making date #1 FUN If you spend the date describing things that annoy you, complaining about things that are completely irrelevant, or going into anything negative in general, then you’re not being fun. If you badmouth anyone you used to go out with and discuss the many ways in which your previous relationships have miserably failed, then you’re not being fun. The kind of person who attacks or belittles someone who isn’t even there to defend themselves is the type of person who’s not worth being around in the first place. Talking bad about people behind their backs is extremely petty, so if you’re guilty of this kind of behavior, you’re sending a very powerful message about the value of your company to the person you’re out with. So remember that your date is not your therapist. Remember your date is with you because they want to enjoy themselves. So don’t act in a way that can be construed as anything other than fun and positive. You want to show your date a good time on your first night out together? Then give her something new and fresh. Give her something that she hasn’t experienced before. Be someone she can actually have fun with. I can’t put it any simpler than that. An obvious element of what I have just described for you is the need to relieve unnecessary pressure on yourself so that you can perform at your very best in whatever situation you are faced with. Basically, you must realize the dangers of overextending yourself unnecessarily. Within the context of picking someone up, I’ll expand on this idea in the very next chapter.

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An essential key to picking someone up (or being charismatic in any social environment, be it dating or business) is to make sure that you’re not trying to do too much at one time. It’s crucial that you allow things to unfold naturally. And in order to ensure this, you must also make sure that you’re not too invested in the outcome, whatever that desired result might be.

The problem with overextending yourself One of the largest obstacles people face when they’re trying to successfully interact with others is that they try to do too much at one time. New salesmen try to bring in 20 clients at one party. New employees try to make the perfect impression rather than just making a good one. Guys try to pick up girls under the false impression that they have to get them in bed that same night. People try to do way more than they should really be concerning themselves with. And by overextending themselves in this manner, they end up engaging in blatantly desperate and over aggressive behavior (which automatically results from their need to reach whatever ridiculous goal they’ve set). Guys hitting on girls in a bar or club are perfect examples of what I’m talking about. In these situations, most of the difficulties that guys have in meeting women and taking things to the next level (even if that next level is nothing more than getting a phone number) stem from the fact that many of these guys are programmed by years of poor social conditioning to think that they have to do everything all at once. I’m not just talking on a conscious level. I’m also talking about a subconscious level… a level they aren’t even aware of. And it really is sad how deeply ingrained this limiting perspective is for most of them. They see a girl they’re interested in, and it’s immediately about having sex with her that very night. You watch The Real World on MTV and think that it always has to be that way. But you’re not on The Real World. You don’t have what those kids have. 172


The cast members of The Real World have a lush, lavish house to take the girls home to. And a lot of them were cast in the first place because they’re already very sexy and attractive. AND they offer the intoxicating appeal of being on national TV. And speaking of intoxicating, virtually all of those people who go back with them are bombed out of their friggin’ minds. So if you think you have to consistently perform on this level, and you can’t figure out why you haven’t been succeeding, you might want to take a step back and see if you’re reaching a bit too far too soon. Most guys are so used to being in a college atmosphere (where drunk sorority girls are either very easy or not interested at all) that they really don’t know any better than the old “wham bam thank you ma’am” approach to dating. They think that relationships actually develop out of 3-hour interactions in some bar or at some frat party (thank you very much, Dawson’s Creek). Their success rate has always been either all or nothing in one night. They’ve never really had to move things forward in a more constraining and logical environment like the world we actually live in. And for those who don’t know, in the real world, things take time. In the real world, things progress over a number of smaller, more deliberate steps. It’s even worse for guys who have never even had the opportunity to enjoy success with women in a high-turnover setting like college. Not only are they also under the impression that it has to be all or nothing, but since they never did it in college, they don’t even have the experience or skill level to pull that limited proposition off. In either case, the main reason guys often fail when they’re first introduced to more challenging environments is that they think they have to go from cheesy pickup line to the bedroom (or for some, the honeymoon suite) all in one flawless conversation, complete with excessive flirting and sharing of feelings. This often creates a nearly insurmountable level pressure that keeps 173


them from successfully completing any necessary steps in the mating process. Put simply, guys screw up their chances because they’re trying to do too much in too small of a time window. Take a minute and mentally put yourself in the position that I’m about to describe, and really try to get an understanding of all the feelings that would result from it: You walk into a bar. Or a club. Or a bookstore. Or a concert. And you see this stunning, absolutely beautiful woman just standing there waiting for the right guy to come along and fulfill her every dream. Are YOU that guy? There’s only one way you know of to find out. You’re going to have to approach her. You’re going to have to deliver the ultimate pickup line. You’re going to have to get her phone number. And then when you have her phone number, you’re going to have to take her out to a pricey lobster dinner, serve her expensive champagne, and engage in a deeper conversation than she has ever experienced… a conversation that includes profound sharing of intimate dreams, a long list of things you have in common, and the innate feeling that you were meant to be together. Um… yeah. Is this really the kind of pressure you want to be up against when you’re trying to pick someone up? Wouldn’t it be simpler if we never gave all the social programming around us an opportunity to make us think that we really had to reach this far this soon? Now with all of this said regarding the dangers of overextending yourself, I’m sure you must be asking: “How much is too much? What are the real limits we’re looking at here?” Well, let’s start by examining the truth behind one-night stands…

The one-night stand: doable, but unnecessary Everything I’ve been saying so far doesn’t mean that a one-night stand can’t be done. Hell, we’ve all done it. We’ve all been there. We all have our moments. 174


But unless you’re the grandmaster mackdaddy of the century, you really shouldn’t put yourself in a position where you HAVE to score that evening every time out no matter what. Unfortunately, that’s what happens to guys who have been convinced that it has to be all or nothing. Again, this is on both a conscious and subconscious level. They see someone they’re attracted to, and an involuntary decision is made that there must be sexual contact that night or they’re nothing but a big loser. And so, these guys convert what usually should be a multi-stage process into one huge step. They walk in thinking they have to do everything all at once. They don’t pace themselves properly. They don’t successfully complete the first steps that are necessary for moving forward. If they only realized that all they have to do is make it from one step to the next (and only concerned themselves with the actual step they were on), they would be just fine. What I mean by that is this: You shouldn’t even think about having sex until you’ve made out with her. You shouldn’t even worry about making out with her until you’ve had a first kiss. You shouldn’t even wonder about that first kiss until you’ve set up a first date. You shouldn’t even think about setting up a first date until you have her phone number or e-mail. And you shouldn’t even worry about getting her info until you’ve made the decision to walk up and talk to her. One step at a time. And until you’re done with each specific step, you don’t even begin to worry about getting through all the later ones that will follow. Now I don’t want to be misunderstood here. You are, after all, reading a book by someone who strongly encourages you to step outside of your comfort zone. You must embrace the reality that you are capable of so much more than you are already doing. But that doesn’t mean you should try and rule the world when you haven’t even figured out how to rule the country. Taking big steps is fine. Taking unnecessarily big steps is…well… unnecessary. 175


Trying to do too much sets you up for almost certain disappointment, which will weigh heavily on the spirits of anyone who’s really trying to achieve true growth for the first time in their life. Now the beauty of understanding all of this is that operating in this fashion goes hand in hand with leaning back, creating some distance, building up sexual tension, and magnetically pulling other people in by limiting access to yourself. For example, unless you’re in a situation where you’re stuck at a location for an extended period of time, picking up a girl should take you no more than five minutes, and if possible, only three.

The 5-minute limit pickup It’s amazing how many guys shoot themselves in the foot when they’re out at bars and clubs trying to pick women up. They don’t even stop to think about what they’re competing with in that type of environment: -Better looking guys. -Guys who are naturally better with women. -Loud, distracting music. -Friends of the girls (who will go to great lengths to block you because of pettiness, jealousy, or some other pointless reason). But even worse than those obstacles listed above, there’s also the inexperience that most guys have in carrying a perfect conversation for hours on end. They’ve never done it. But they keep trying anyway. And what they don’t realize is that this is the furthest thing from what they should actually be doing. If you really want to do well with a girl, you have to control the environment. And being surrounded by other guys who want the same girl (and who are in a situation where they basically have the same access to her), you are not in control.

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By trying to communicate with her over loud music and having to reply to her muffled words with an obnoxious, emphatic “huh?” every time she speaks, you are not in control. By trying to win her over in the presence of her friends, who look down on you for wanting to do what is only natural for a human being to want to do, you are not in control. And finally, by living under the pressure of having to eventually ask for her information for hours on end, and letting the stress build up on you unnecessarily, you are not in control. So how do you get control? You get in, you get that info, and you get the hell out. In three minutes, if you can. In five minutes, at the very most. And you should be completely unapologetic about this. This should be routine for you, and if she can’t handle it, that’s her problem, not yours. THIS is how you get at least ten numbers a night. THIS is how you put the odds in your favor. THIS is how you have enough potential first dates on the horizon, that when you actually call or e-mail to set them up, the pressure is completely off of you since you know you’ve got another option just around the corner. And THIS is how you carry more confidence into the situation as a result, which, by sheer nature of that positive self-esteem, helps you get more dates. You can’t get ten phone numbers or e-mail addresses in one night if you’re spending at least 45 minutes on each girl you’re interested in. Do the math. It just won’t work. Especially since the competing guys, the loud music, the cockblocks, and your inexperience carrying successful extended conversations will prevent you from getting a number from everyone you talk to anyway. There needs to be a method to your madness, and it all begins with the approach…

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The Approach I’ll be giving you a lot more to work with regarding an actual approach in the “Breaking The Ice” chapter a little later in this book. For the purposes of going through these steps right now, though, we’re just going to assume you’ve made the approach and are ready to proceed to the next part of the process. With that said, I also want to offer you a bit of the type of perspective you should be taking in with you for this part of the pick up… Your attitude in this initial step should be the following: if you go up to a girl with an approach that is not threatening, not imposing, and not blatantly problematic in any way… and she responds in a negative, dismissive, condescending or otherwise unfavorable manner… then she is failing YOUR test and is now considered beneath you. So there’s no reason to continue speaking with her. This really IS the way you have to think about it. YOU are testing HER to see if SHE is good enough to be with YOU… even at this early juncture. And this is a never-ending standard by which you’ll be judging her against. (And for any ladies reading this, this goes for any guys you approach as well. It’s ALWAYS a situation where they have to prove themselves to be good enough to be with you, not the other way around.) So you’ve approached her, and now you’re speaking with her. Make it brief.

The BRIEF conversation This is simply about a minute or two of talking about whatever comes up. It could be commenting on something around you. Or saying something about her hairstyle. Or her shoes. Or that really old man dancing with those really skanky girls. If you make a comment about her, it should be a fun little jab at her that’s obviously not intended to really insult her. Remember, role-reversal humor is a great way of establishing that you’re worth talking to. 178


With all of that said, it doesn’t really matter what you’re specifically talking about as long as you’re communicating through your choice of words, body language, inflection, and every other form of your communication that you are a confident person who’s comfortable with who they are. For anywhere from 60 to 120 seconds, you’re going to establish the fact that you’re a cool, fun person to be around. And all it takes is the utilization of everything this book has taught you up to this point. Those intricacies of body language. That need for congruency. The “In Their Shoes” and “Act As If” techniques. The understanding that neediness is unattractive. The knowledge of what humor truly is. All of the insight that’s been provided through these topics will be used over and over for the next 90 days to mold an external identity that mirrors the true internal charismatic you. And trust me, as long as you really are being true to your authentic self, you will automatically carry yourself with a lot of charisma. It’s human nature to be drawn to authenticity. There’s no getting around it. So here you’ve been talking for a minute or two. Really. It’s only been one or two minutes literally. If you’ve made it this far, you’re doing great, and you’re ALMOST ready to ask for their info…

Determining their status But before you actually ask for the number or e-mail, you’re going to unapologetically ask if they’re single. Not if they have a boyfriend or an attachment or a partner or a husband or someone else. Just if they’re single. This is about them, not anyone else, and by opening the door to a mention of someone else, you communicate a view of yourself that says you couldn’t possibly measure up to whoever else might be in the picture.

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By wondering about anyone except her, it’s as if you’re saying “I’m asking if there’s someone else because I know that if there is, there’s no way I could ever be a better companion than they are. I’m simply not worth all that much.” So you have to know that they are actually available, and you have to find out in the right way. Otherwise, what’s the point of even continuing any kind of conversation with them? Unless they want to introduce you to their single friends or their job makes them a good business connection, or there’s something else you have to gain by staying in a conversation, there’s no reason to continue your interaction with them. Any answer other than something along the lines of “yes, I’m single” should prompt you to politely say “Well, it was very nice meeting you.” and calmly excuse yourself. Once they confirm that they are in fact single, you’re ready to ask for those digits or e-mails.

Asking for the info At this point, only a few minutes should have passed and you’re okay to ask for her phone number or e-mail address… and then get the hell out of there. Now I know what you’re thinking. I must be nuts, right? There’s NO way that a brief 3-5 minute conversation is going to be enough to warrant a girl giving you her info, right? I totally screwed you out of the money you paid for this book, right? WRONG. Trust me. Not only is this possible, but your odds of getting that info after such a brief exchange are actually better than a longer conversation because you haven’t given yourself enough of an opportunity to screw it up! You’re perfect at this point. You’re golden. You’re mysterious. You’re intriguing. And if you can be this much fun in only 180 seconds, imagine how great a full date with you must be. That’s what she’ll be thinking at least. 180


Don’t let the external programming you’ve lived with your entire life prevent you from realizing that it really is this easy and simple. My personal best time for scoring digits is about 30 seconds, but surprisingly enough, there are people in this world… amazingly charismatic people, who don’t see that as a big deal at all. Getting a girl’s information in a matter of minutes is that easy. It really is. Now obviously, an essential part of this process is asking the ‘right’ way. Don’t say something silly like “I’d love to call you sometime.” Or “I’d love to take you out sometime, maybe for dinner or something.” Or “We should really hang out sometime… you know… if you want.” By asking for a phone number or e-mail address, it’s already obvious that your plan is to meet up again sometime in the future. So actually saying something stupid like the examples above (rather than allowing it to be implied in your conversation) is kind of redundant and pretty stupid. And it’s an obvious result of what you’ve seen done with other people, both real and in television or movies. If you really think about it, though, lines like those are actually non-functional. And worse yet, they’re weak. If you want that info, you simply say “So you got e-mail?” And let that be that. Or you go “So do you have a phone? Great…” Pull out a pen and paper and just hand it to them… I think it’s pretty safe to assume that they’ll get the idea. It’s like when good salesmen start filling out the paperwork on a sale instead of actually asking the customer if they’re ready to buy. The salesman already expects them to buy. Do they buy every time out? Of course not. But starting that paperwork definitely converts a lot of maybe’s into a lot of definitely’s. It sends a message of “this product is so great, why would I expect any answer other than yes??” You’re a salesman, too. You’re selling yourself. What, didn’t you know that? 181


What’s better? E-mail or phone numbers? My best answer to which is the better choice between getting someone’s e-mail and getting their phone number is that there isn’t really one right answer. A lot of it depends on comfort level and individual lifestyles. Overall, people tend to feel more comfortable giving out their e-mail. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should refrain from going after the phone number instead, or even both. Personally, I enjoy getting the e-mail initially, but that’s only because of my schedule. As it is, most people screen their calls, meaning you’ll most likely end up having to leave a message. So if I’m going to have to leave a message anyway, I’m a lot happier going with e-mail at night when I have more time and can write down something fun to send. An added benefit for me to go that way is that there’s a reduced likelihood of information failing to get to the other person. My cell phone isn’t always as clear as I’d like it to be, so the last thing I want is for my message to get fuzzy or distorted while I’m leaving a call back number or something like that. But again, it’s all about what you want to do in your own situation. Here we are again, back at congruency. This is where the value of being true to yourself really comes in. Go with what you feel works best for YOU. If you want to use e-mail, use e-mail. If you want to call, then call. A quick little tip for you, though: When it comes to dating, especially in the very beginning, people are more likely to return your message over e-mail than they would for phone. Don’t ask me why, that’s simply what I’ve noticed in my own experience. So do with that little tidbit of insight what you will.

Disarming objections and resistance Now since a lot of you reading this are still already expecting to be turned down, you’re probably wondering if there are any good 182


ways to handle it. Or to put it a little more appropriately, you’re expecting to encounter a little resistance when you “ask” for a number or e-mail address. A good way to respond if she hesitates is to throw a little rolereversal humor back at her: “Relax, there hasn’t been a restraining order put on me in years.” “Listen, I promise to only call you at 3 am, desperately begging you to allow me the privilege of spending lots of money on you.” “Don’t worry, I’m only going to wave the number in the air to the entire bar, point back at you, and say ‘you’re looking at my next conquest, baby!’” “I’ll only call you nine times a day.” “I don’t stalk women until at least the fourth date, so you’ve still got some time to call things off after I contact you.” Any of the above or anything else that comes naturally to you will work just fine. If they’re still not up for it, who cares. Onward and upward… to the next girl you find attractive. Something tells me that there’s a pretty big supply. Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet, just realizing that truth will automatically help you carry yourself in way that will lead to better results.

Getting the hell out of dodge So now you’ve got the digits. There’s only one thing left to do: Get the hell out of there. Say “it was nice meeting you” and move on. 183


Remember, the entire process you just went through was only about one thing: obtaining a means of contacting her for the first date. And it’s that actual first date where you’ll have your opportunity to really do some work. It’s that first date where you’ll be the interesting, charismatic, fun escort who thinks for himself and doesn’t fit the mold of all the other boring losers. It’s that first date where you’ll really build that attraction. All this pick up process was for was to simply establish contact. Nothing more. It’s so much easier that way, right? And as you’ll soon come to see, it’s so much more fun this way as well. No pressure. No drama. Just hi, give me that info, nice meeting you, and end scene. Now in such a brief period of time, you may not have enough of an opportunity to assess what kind of job you’re doing in terms of building your appeal. This is true for brief conversations in the context of business as well. Then again, you might actually be able to spot a telltale sign that you’re being charismatic. Either way, eventually your conversations will be a little more prolonged, and it’s of huge benefit to know when you’re pushing the right buttons so that you can continue to push them. With that in mind, the following chapter will delve into indications that you’re making the right kind of impact when you’re interacting with others.

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The reactions that people have to you are really only a result of the behavior…YOUR behavior… that prompted that reaction in the first place. It really is all about what you think, what you do, what you say, and how you act. Your concern should not be about exercising control over others. Your concern should instead be about controlling yourself. As long as you keep your focus on what you are personally doing, everything else will naturally fall into place. That said, the feedback you get from others serves as an invaluable guide to how well you are doing and whether you should continue your current course of action. It’s very important that you’re able to realize when others are genuinely warming to you… and it’s just as important to be able to determine when they’re not. By noting what you’re doing in a certain situation and how someone is specifically responding at the time, you’ll not only be able to make immediate adjustments in the moment with this person, but you’ll be learning what to do in future scenarios as well. In short, you need to note both positive and negative reactions in order to improve your learning curve and better cultivate your natural charisma. Since you now have this book and all of its insight at your disposal, it’s a pretty safe bet that the positive reactions from others will be a lot more frequent and the negative reactions will go way down as well. But just to be sure that you realize when you’re on the right track, let’s now take a look at the type of reactions you might expect from others when they’re enjoying your company.

Signs that others are enjoying their time with you They’ll start asking more questions about you. We’re not just talking small talk here. Often times, people will ask what you do and where you’re from as a simple formality, so 186


you shouldn’t read too much into it when they do. But remember, since you’ll now be using the modified silent treatment mentioned in our conversation chapter, anyone who’s really enjoying their interaction with you will eventually want to get some kind of feel for who you really are. That’s when the more specific, non-generic questions might come. That’s your indication that things are going well. Indicators of strong interest will come in the form of open-ended questions with a steady dose of how’s and why’s (example: “so how do you know Marty?” or “so why did you go into advertising?”). You’ll know when the questions being asked are ones of real interest because you’ll hear it in the other person’s voice. This is where inflection becomes such a vital part of reading people. Now obviously, certain individuals might put on a little performance of their own since everyone has their own agenda, but the more experienced you get at interacting with others, the easier it’ll be for you to spot the ones who are aren’t authentic or genuine. They’ll maintain strong eye contact. This is a subtle one since most people look you in the eye when you’re speaking with them regardless of their interest level. The rude ones don’t, but there aren’t as many of them as you may think. Now the key to all of this is my mention of STRONG eye contact. If the person you’re speaking with really is enjoying the time they’re spending with you, their eyes won’t wander all that much. They won’t look at their watch. They won’t look around the room. They won’t take their attention anywhere from the conversation you’re having. With that said, please be warned that even when you’re doing a good job, you might not get as much eye contact as you would like. After all, even people who are enjoying their interaction with you might sometimes still have more important things to do than continue a conversation with someone like you who’s nothing more than a stranger to them at that point. 187


They’ll introduce you to others. Like the eye contact example, this is another one of those subtle ones since polite people introduce you regardless. So what you have to do is pay attention to how eager they are to introduce you to other people, and how they go about it. Again, the more you interact with others, the easier it will be for you to determine if the other person is just going through the motions or if they really are excited about introducing you to their friends. They’ll mirror your body language. This one is HUGE because it’s one of those reactions that fall under the heading of subconscious behavior. A good way to test for this is to first mirror the other person’s body posture for a few minutes, and then when you think you’ve poured on enough subtle charm, slightly modify your own positioning and see if they follow suit. It might be gradual, so hang in there for a few minutes before giving up on it. If you’re not getting the reaction you hoped for, rather than sitting there waiting for the external world to turn on its axis for you, go right back to mirroring their body posture and continue having a good conversation with them. If on the other hand, they do mirror you, you might want to wait a few minutes and change it up again to see if they follow you for a second time. The more shifts you get out of the other party, the stronger the indication that they enjoy your company. That said, making multiple shifts should only be for learning purposes. If you’re too focused on getting someone to stand the way you are standing, you’re going to be too unfocused on all the other things you should be doing. And changing your posture too much also makes you look fidgety and nervous. Besides, since it will come to a point where you’ll naturally be able to read others based on other actions anyway, it will really be in your best interest to be the one mirroring the other person so that you can enhance your own appeal to them.

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They’ll mirror your expressions and vocabulary. This one usually occurs over the course of a longer friendship or relationship… after the other person has had a chance to really get to know you. But there’s still a chance that you might see some immediate feedback as well. A solid indicator that someone is completely enamored with your charm is that when you’re talking with them, they’ll start to throw your own expressions back at you. This happens a lot on instant messaging since the other party doesn’t have much else to offer you (since you’re not face-to-face, they can’t communicate with their inflection or facial expressions or anything like that). The key to this is the fact that when people like you, even if they don’t come out and actually say it, they still want to subconsciously let you know. This is also true if they don’t like you. That’s why all of the indicators I’m mentioning here are so important to make note of. Any time they’re being communicated, it’s because others want to express their opinion of you, whether they actually realize it or not. Getting back to this mirroring of expressions, it’s important to mention that most people (if even on a very subtle level) have their own way of speaking. They have their own way of saying hello. Or their own way of saying goodbye. And, of course, some people’s expressions are a little more ‘out there’ than others. I have a friend, for instance, who says ‘good bye’ by saying the words “see you when I see you, talk to you when I talk to you.” He says this every time. He even has it on his voicemail message. It’s just the way he talks. Now, I’ve never seen it happen in this specific case, but if I were around someone who knew my friend and they started using that expression on me, I would know it was because my friend had some kind of a captivating affect on that person.

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I have seen this kind of thing happen in a lot of other situations. And I can definitely speak from personal experience on this one as well. In fact, after I made the decision to write this book, I created a short list of expressions to use on any new people I met for the three or four months that followed. The results were unreal. I came up with words that didn’t even exist, and in certain situations, I had people inadvertently throwing these words right back at me. I genuinely affected their vocabulary. In one instance, I had someone stop themselves after they said one of these words to me. They looked at me shocked and said “I can’t believe I said that word. That’s your word! It doesn’t even exist! See what you’re doing to me, you little sh*t.” She obviously said it in a joking manner, but the impact was as real as it gets. So pay attention to words or expressions you use and see if you can’t catch someone inadvertently use one of them when they speak to you. Make sure the words you choose are normal enough that you don’t look weird, but unique enough that you know only you could have possibly been the source for the person now saying them. The formation in-jokes Along those very same lines of mirroring expressions and vocabulary, the formation of in-jokes is one of the most obvious (and fun) indicators that you’re really vibing with that other person. The jokes are usually based on some sort of experience you shared together, which for whatever reason, ended up being an experience where you bonded together. If you both sat through the same horrible movie, you might use the title to describe someone who bores you both. No one else will know what you mean, hence the term ‘in-joke’… you two are the only ones ‘in on it.’ And that element, in and of itself, is a great way to build camaraderie between the two of you. 190


As another example, if you both have the same boss who chewed you out in the same way, you might mimic that boss from hell in certain situations with each other. This all works for positive experiences as well. If you both own the same type of car and you love it. If you both wore the same costume to a party one time. If you experience any specific event that was so funny to the both of you, that you voluntarily (and purposely) allow yourselves to relive it by bringing it up at other times when it might be funny again… then you’ve got yourself an in-joke. They’ll be mean?! Believe it or not, if your presence is a welcome part of someone’s day, they might actually communicate it by picking on you. We’re talking about little things like name calling, pranks, light punching… stuff like that. It’s just like grade school where the girls don’t want to admit they like the boys and the boys don’t want to admit they like the girls, so they all just tease and torture each other instead. In those cases as well as in yours, it’s simply a situation where the other person is so interested in your noticing them that they’ll resort to anything they can think of to get your attention. And that includes harsh treatment. If this does occur, it will be playful in nature. So if this happens to you, in order to be sure that it’s actually because they like you, just pay close attention to see if they really are just playing around. Anything malicious in nature is a solid indication that they either really don’t like you, or they do but have absolutely no social grace. You might also want to pay attention to how they treat others. Obviously, if they’re picking on everyone, it’s not about you. But if you’re their exclusive target (or one of a very select group), then it’s a safe bet they’re into you.

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Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about here. The guys reading this can probably remember when they made a joke and a girl who liked them punched them on the arm while she was laughing or smiling. Obviously she wasn’t really mad. And the ladies reading this can probably remember guys making negative comments but still going out of their way to be nice to them. Obviously, these guys didn’t really have a problem with whatever it was they were complaining about. With all of this in mind, it should also be noted that this doesn’t just go for situations in which there is sexual attraction. This kind of interaction can occur on a platonic level as well. Fellas, have you ever had a guy just playfully put you in a headlock out of nowhere? Well, it wasn’t because he was into you and wanted to kiss you or anything. But he did appreciate you, and this was the only outlet of expression that he could come up with. Simple as that. Sometimes, however, this kind of feedback (or any other kind, for that matter) might take a little time to emerge…

Not all feedback is instant It’s important to remember that some of these responses might not be immediate. As I said above, while the mirroring of body posture will be one of the earlier ones to arrive, the mirroring of vocabulary will most likely happen in a later meeting after they’ve really had the opportunity to warm to you. And this variation goes for negative reactions to you as well…

Signs you’re making a NEGATIVE impact Any type of negative feedback that you get is usually pretty easy to spot. 192


The other person will look around the room instead of you during the conversation. They might constantly look at their watch. They’ll show little to no interest in what you’re saying. They won’t remember what you said to them five minutes after you said it. They might not even remember your name the next time they see you. Or maybe they’ll roll their eyes in response to something that you say (in an involuntary way, not even realizing that they’re doing it). And getting back to what was said about body language earlier in this book, they’ll fidget or touch their eyes, ears, nose, or mouth often enough that you’ll know something is wrong. They’ll have their arms crossed, or be giving off some other obvious sign of closed-off body posture. Basically, there will be some kind of lack in connection between you and this person, so always be on the lookout for all of these things, especially as you begin to learn (and naturally make some mistakes here and there). Now that you know all of these positive and negative indicators, you might be asking yourself:

So when do we finally learn how to start conversations? At this point in the book, you have now been provided with a HUGE amount of knowledge, tips, techniques, and ideas. You’ve been given everything you need in order to have that very necessary foundation to things. With all of this insight now given and all of this knowledge at your disposal, we are now finally ready to examine the dynamics of starting a conversation. We’re now ready to learn how to break the ice. So proceed to the next chapter, and be ready to take your game to the next level.

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I’m sure it might seem a little weird that I would wait until this late in the book to go into the topic of conversation starting. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of you are looking at this chapter first (or among one of the first). So for those who skipped past everything else in a rush to get this aspect of your social skill set handled, allow me to reiterate two pieces of advice that I gave you in the book’s very first chapter: 1. Read the WHOLE book. 2. Read the content IN THE ORDER that I have placed it in. So for those who haven’t done so yet, go back and follow those two statements right now. For those who have been reading everything up to this point in the order that they should have, my explanation for putting the “Breaking the Ice” chapter this late in the book is pretty simple: In order to effectively engage in the behavior required for starting conversations on a consistent basis, you must first understand and appreciate everything else that’s been covered up to this point.

You need to ‘know’ before you can ‘do’ You need to understand congruency. You need to see the value of proper body posture. You need to realize how being needy holds you back in some of the worst ways. You need all of the tools and all of the knowledge and all of the insight you’ve acquired throughout the chapters leading up to this point. You need all of these things, if nothing else, so that you can bring that very necessary confidence into this part of your communication with you. Because only then… only when you’ve learned everything else, can you possibly appreciate the simplicity with which you’ll be able to successfully approach this part of your game. And trust me when I say that it really is simple.

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You’re one ‘hello’ away from a conversation From the perspective of being charismatic for the purposes of excelling in business (networking, meeting new clients, mingling at events, etc.), the only tool you’ll really need at your disposal when starting a conversation with someone else… is a simple, friendly “hello.” That’s it. That’s everything. Congruency has already taught us that if you truly mean to be warm and friendly, it will automatically and naturally shine through in your body language, inflection, and other aspects of your communication. The value of leaning back has already taught us that if you don’t push in towards them, they’re very likely to be pulled in towards you. And the understanding of humor as a tool for status enhancement, along with the concept of social proof, has taught us that any joke told with a humorous tone has an extremely high probability of getting at least a smile or light chuckle in return. After all, the person you’re speaking with will most likely feel obligated to participate in this little ‘social dance’ out of plain habit. And on the odd occasion where the person you’re speaking with isn’t cooperating as much as they should, you’ll already be prepared for that as well. If following your simple ‘hello,’ the other party comes back at you with a ‘hello’ of their own and then gives you nothing else, you can keep things going by introducing yourself. They’ll do the same in return. And even if they’re still a little shy after that, you can just go right into the modified silent treatment from this book’s “Conversations” chapter. And then you’re off to the races. It’s that simple! It’s that easy! What else were you expecting??

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It’s that simple in Male-Female Dynamics as well More often than not, starting things off with a simple “hi” or “hello” is really all that you need if you’re trying to meet someone or pick them up. Why wouldn’t it be? If you’re reading this right now and thinking that what I’m saying is right up there with some of the most ridiculous things you’ve ever heard, then you haven’t been paying attention. We’ve already covered the negative impact of external sources of influence on us. We now know that the false limits we’ve imposed on ourselves (as a result of all that social programming and conditioning) are not actually valid. We’ve already explored the value of embracing our gender role. In the context of starting conversations with someone you’re interested in sexually or romantically, what this means is that you should be completely unapologetic about the situation. Everything about your body language and vocal tone should be screaming “That’s right… I’m hitting on you right now. And if you’re uncomfortable with that, that’s your problem. And if you’re not into me, that’s fine, too. This doesn’t have to be anything more than a ten second conversation. But it’s happening, so just deal with it. You’re in my world now.” As I touched on just a few paragraphs up, we’ve already noted the negative effects of neediness. So when you’re starting a conversation, you’re not walking in with the attitude of “I need to impress you, I hope you like me, and I need your approval to validate my existence.” Instead, you’re walking in with a state of mind that says “I might be into you, so I’m giving you a chance here… but you still have to impress me if you want me to ask for your number.” There is absolutely no reason that you can’t start a conversation with a stranger with a simple “hi.” The only thing holding you 197


back right now is that fact that you’ve built this obstacle up in your mind for years on end. You’ve created a monstrosity. You’ve erected a hurdle no one in their right mind should ever be willing to jump. But the hurdle is not real. Again, this is why I’ve placed this chapter so late in the book. From a mental and emotional standpoint, breaking the ice and actually starting a conversation with someone (especially if you’re attracted to them) is one of the most difficult challenges we all seem to face in our social interaction with others. For many, this aspect of communication is as hard as it gets. But like I’ve been trying to tell you for pretty much the entire book, it really doesn’t have to be that difficult. Now, with all of that said, just because you CAN begin things with a simple ‘hi’ doesn’t mean you actually HAVE TO.

You don’t have to ‘hello’ your way into a conversation As a charismatic person, you should easily be able to approach someone, say ‘hi’, and jump right into talking with them. However, as that same charismatic person, you should be open to a more creative and innovative method of conversation starting as well. Especially in the beginning, when you’re still in the process of getting comfortable breaking the ice to begin with. Starting a conversation through alternative means can be accomplished in any number of ways. A lot of that will really be up to you as an individual, since you want your approach to reflect your own specific personality. But as you try to figure this out, the number one thing to remember when you first get started with this is that you should be having fun.

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Fun ways to start a conversation I opened this book with what is about to follow for a very important reason: It does a fantastic job of introducing readers to the type of power they can hold when they understand every necessary element that goes into carrying themselves in a charismatic way. I want to present this conversation to you once again. This will really hammer home how you can break the ice in an effective and fun way. I’ll then follow it up by detailing where exactly I went right and how you can do the same thing in your own specific situations. The following dialogue is based on memory and happened about a year ago, so the actual words are probably anywhere from 9095% accurate. Either way, you’ll get the idea. This was on a train about two minutes before my stop was coming up. I was standing near the door across from a girl. She was a solid 8. Really cute. Brunette. Fantastic eyes. She had been standing there for awhile when I walked up knowing that the train was almost at my stop. She glanced at me, and then quickly looked down and away. Her belt buckle had the word “Jenny” on it. It was glitter embossed. And it was loud and shiny. You couldn’t miss it, and ten seconds after standing there next to her, I immediately used it to my advantage.

Me: Who’s Jenny? (pointing at belt) Her: (weird, confused look on her face) Umm… that’s me. I’m Jenny. Me: Oh. Okay. (pause for effect, creating tension) Why are you wearing a belt with your name on it? (straight face, deadpan) Her: Because… like… it’s my belt. 199


Me: Ohhh… I see. (turn away, more pause for effect, turn back) So it’s really because you’ve got absolutely no game, right? Her: What? (nervous laugh) No. What are you talking about? Me: You’ve got no game. You’ve never had the courage to hit on a guy before… especially one as hot and sexy as me. So you just broadcast your name like it’s your friggin sponsor, hoping someone will come along and ask you about it. Well, congratulations (funny, sarcastic tone). You got me to say hello. Are you happy now? Do you feel good about yourself?? Her: Shut up! (laughs, hits me playfully – HUGE buying signal) You’re weird. Me: I’M weird? I’m not the one wearing his name three inches above his crotch like a billboard. You’re the weird one. And you’re rude, too! Her: Rude?! I’m not rude…. What do you mean I’m rude?? Me: Well, here I obviously know your name, but did you ever take the time and effort to find out mine? Her: I just met you! I didn’t have time to— Me: (cutting her off) Oh, you had plenty of time. You could have asked my name instead of calling me weird. You could have asked when you were slugging me… which by the way, when you hit someone without knowing them…um yeah…. RUDE. Her: Shut up! (raises her hand to hit me again, but is now selfaware and quickly puts it back down) Me: Aha… SEE… you were going to hit me again. And you still don’t know my name. Her: Fine! (laughing) What’s your name?? 200


Me: Oh, I’m not just going to give you my name. What do I look like to you, a ‘Jenny’?? You have to earn my name (squints eyes, cocky tone). Her: What?! How the hell do I do that? Me: (handing her a pen) Your e-mail and phone number. Right now, lady, I’m in a rush here. Her: What?.. I-Me: (expecting, no doubt in my voice or body posture) No no no… Your info, my name. That’s it. That’s the deal. Her: You know what?... (trying to come up with something to say) …fine… fine (laughs, begins to write on the back of the business card I just handed her) Me: See… that wasn’t so hard. Her: (pouty look) Me: (shaking her hand as train is coming to stop) I’m Andrew. It was very nice meeting you…uh… what did you say your name was? Her: (laughing even louder) Get outta here…. An-drew! (stretches word out, annoyed, but very amused)

Okay, so let’s take the above and break down everything I did right. We’ll call it…

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“Andrew’s Smooth Moves” Andrew’s Smooth Move #1: I used my surroundings. Your environment is always providing you with opportunities. Use it. Note what’s going on around you. There is always something interesting to use or comment on. I used Jen’s belt buckle. Easy score.

Andrew’s Smooth Move #2: I was different How many guys have the balls to walk up to a complete stranger, and an attractive one at that, and tell her straight to her face that she has no game? This was huge. Not only was I original, but I instantly communicated that I wasn’t like all those other guys who need her to like them. I wasn’t there for her approval. She was there for mine. All of that communicated on a subtle level, beneath the surface.

Andrew’s Smooth Move #3: I utilized role-reversal humor. Now we’re talking about a seriously hot girl who probably gets hit on in one form or another at least ten times a day… and that’s no exaggeration. But here I am framing her into a different role. That of the pursuer. This time, I’m the hot and sexy one, and SHE’S the one who’s after ME. And that shift in roles adds a very dry and sharp humor into the equation. The type of humor this girl is not used to experiencing. The type of humor that’s fresh to her.

Andrew’s Smooth Move #4: I held out on her. Someone who gets hit on as much as her is also someone who’s used to having guys bend over backwards to her every whim. 202


Not me. I chose a different path. I challenged her. In a fun way, of course. Everything’s always done in a fun way… it’s never mean-spirited. So I refused to just hand over my name, and in that moment, instantly communicated that I’m a real man who demands respect. All in one little sentence.

Andrew’s Smooth Move #5: I closed. Lots of guys get comfortable putting on a nice, little show. But then they go and botch things up by neglecting to ask for a phone number or e-mail address. Why, you ask? Because, deep down, they still have that low self-esteem that’s got them convinced she’d never hand out her info to some guy she just met. If you only knew! Well… I know… and I closed. You always have to finish things up by getting that info. You don’t have to get it all. It can be just the digits. Or just the e-mail. Or both. Whatever you want to work with. It’s your choice as long as you go for something.

Andrew’s Smooth Move #6: I was FUN! If you’re not having fun… and she’s not having fun as well… what’s the point? Need I say anymore than that? That’s what this all really comes down to anyway. Life should be fun. Everyone should be enjoying themselves. Charismatic people enjoy themselves. When I’m instant messaging with friends, I laugh more at the stuff that I type than the stuff that they put down. I can’t believe what comes out of my mouth sometimes. It’s great. It’s wacky and weird and insightful and interesting and unpredictable and FUN!! And when it comes to breaking the ice with someone you’re attracted to, that is the exact perspective you should be going in with. Now, before we close this chapter out, let’s just clarify a few things here… 203


The example with Jenny is obviously only effective (and appropriate) when you’re hitting on someone. When it comes to the business side of things, you don’t want to be that left of center. Yes, you want to always communicate with the way you carry yourself that you’re someone to be respected… someone to be counted. You want to communicate that you’re a great person to be around. But you also want to communicate that you’re a professional. So for business, a simple ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ is all you really need. In regard to Male-Female dynamics, you can either go with a ‘hi’ or ‘hello’… or you can take more of an innovative route. As long as you’re fun and you’re communicating the right things about yourself in both direct and indirect ways, you’ll be just fine. The above example really should be all you need to have a solid perspective on where you should be going with this, but just to give you a little more bang for your buck, I have a few more examples of interesting methods for approaching someone. First, however, for those who really need to get themselves comfortable with the dynamics of starting conversations, allow me to offer you some suggested formats for what I like to call ‘instant icebreakers.’

Instant Ice-Breakers Instant ice-breakers are achieved when you place yourself in a set of circumstances where the initial contact with someone else is already ‘built in’. Three examples of instant ice-breakers include lock & key parties, speed-dating, and costume parties. Lock & Key Parties: A lock & key party is an organized event for singles where all of the attending men carry a key, all of the attending women carry a lock, and everyone bounces from one person to the next looking for the match to their lock or key. 204


At the end of the night, through a variety of ways specific to the individual event organizer, those who achieve the most matches and get the most ‘unlocks’ give themselves the best odds of winning special prizes. The beauty of this type of event is that your approach is already built in, and anybody who you go up to is not only expecting to see you, but they’re welcoming your approach as well. For those who are looking for a lock & key party local to them, I’d suggest simply going to an online search engine and type ‘lock and key party’. You should expect to find a good number of suitable options. You should also use an online search engine to find the next option I’m about to describe: speed-dating. Speed-dating: Speed-dating events, like their lock & key counterparts, have the approaches already built in as well. The women attending are assigned seats for the duration of the event, and the men attending hop from table to table (and woman to woman) for brief ‘get to know you’ sessions that last anywhere from five to ten minutes. When time is up, the bell goes off, and it’s on to the next conversation. There’s even mingling before and after some of these events, depending on the organizer. These are great practice for following the advice in this book and trying to be anything but ‘typical’ in your interactions. After all, the dynamic of a speed date usually lends itself to the ‘what do you do, where are you from’ predictable conversation you’re used to having… the very same type you want to get away from so that you stand out. Last but not least among these instant ice-breakers is the tried and true setting of a costume party.

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Costume Parties: Whether it’s Halloween, or it’s just a way to keep things interesting on a Saturday night, costume parties are fantastic avenues for making approaches easy and effective. And the reason for this is because virtually everyone, including yourself, is a walking conversation piece. Simply noticing a costume you find interesting and making a comment about it to the person wearing it is all you really need to get things going. And if that’s not enough, you’re in a great position to put yourself in a costume that will have everyone approaching you rather than you having to come to them. I can definitely testify to the power of this from personal experience. A year or two back, I had been so busy with things in the month of October that I never took any time out to think about what I wanted to wear for any of the Halloween parties that were planned at all the bars and clubs near me. And after weeks of neglecting to figure it out, Halloween finally arrived. And here I was with nothing good to wear and no desire to burn a lot of cash for anything really special. So I just looked around my place to see what I had lying around. And it was pretty much nothing. All I really had was a fedora hat that I purchased in New Orleans a few years back. And then it hit me. There was a special on Bruce Lee that I watched earlier that month, and I remember how they detailed his role in the 1960’s TV show “The Green Hornet.” And the hat that the lead character wore was a pretty close match to what I had. And I also had plenty of black clothes. So all I needed was a simple robber mask you can find in any costume shop for about three bucks, and I’d be set. And so… suddenly I had a costume. But it was a very obscure one. So I had to take this perceived disadvantage and convert it into an asset instead. So I took a piece of paper and wrote the following in large bold letters: 206


“I’m the Green Hornet. What?! It’s a real show. Really. From, like decades ago. Bruce Lee was in it… Never mind. Go back to your drink.” I then taped the note to my back, and went out for the evening. And that’s how I showed up to go bar-hopping that night. And you know what? I was an instant hit. I never stayed long enough to see if I would win any of the ‘best costume’ contests (and I highly doubt I would have anyway, given the cheesy approach I took), but for my own purposes, it worked out great. I literally lost count of the number of women stopping me in the middle of the bar, tugging me from behind so I wouldn’t walk away before they got the chance to finish reading the note. And I really had a lot of fun with it the whole night. So remember, if you’re really shy and you’re looking for ways to break the ice that are pretty much guaranteed to at least get the conversation going, they are there for you. That said, for those who are ambitious and ready to really get out there right now, as I promised a few paragraphs up, here are even more examples of how you can break the ice by using a little role-reversal humor.

More examples of breaking the ice using RoleReversal Humor Is this seat taken? If a girl walks up to the bar and asks you if the seat next to you is taken, tell her “I’m sorry, but I don’t let strange women sit on my lap… why don’t you sit here (pointing to open seat) instead.” Unlike all those times in the past where you just said the seat was free and then sat there for ten minutes trying to think about something funny or interesting to say, you’ll automatically up your status as someone who’s different from all the other predictable, boring losers. She’ll usually bust out into laughter, and it’s a lot easier to transition into a conversation from there. 207


And the best part? Assuming you say it with a straight face and confident delivery, if she DOESN’T laugh… that’s good news for you, too. That means she takes herself too seriously, doesn’t have a sense of humor, and you’d be wasting your time continuing to talk with her anyway. You spot a hottie at Barnes & Noble How many times have you spotted an attractive woman at your local book store, wanted to approach her, but couldn’t think of anything to say? Probably the same number of times you remember walking out of a book store wishing you weren’t such a coward when it comes to meeting women. Well, next time this happens, you’ll be prepared. Simply walk up to her and ask her if she knows where the “selfhelp manic depressive psychotic stalker” section of the book store is. You’ll either get a good laugh out of her, or a good story to tell your friends. And while you shouldn’t expect this approach (or any approach for that matter) to work absolutely 100% of the time no matter what, that’s not the point of all of this anyway. The point is doing this enough to build up your comfort level and have so much fun that your internal perspective (and resulting external actions) reflect that of the type of person women naturally find more appealing. Following up on the ‘hi’ As I noted earlier in this chapter, a simple ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ can easily get you started if it’s accompanied by genuine intentions, confident body posture, and simply carrying yourself in a proper manner. Again, not only does this go for Male-Female dynamics in dating and relationships… but it goes for business as well. However, in the Male-Female part of things, often times a girl might make you work for it a little more since she’s so used to being hit on by guys who are boring and who simply aren’t up for the task. 208


She’ll challenge you in some way. She might just refuse to give you anything other than a ‘hi’ in return before ignoring you. Don’t take this personally. Women have to test. It’s in their genetic code. Just as men are genetically predisposed to trying to find as many mates as possible to effectively continue the existence of our species, women are predisposed to finding the most suitable mate in order to breed children that are fit for survival. So when you say ‘hi’ and don’t get much back, accuse her of not holding up her end of the conversation. Accuse her of being intimidated by a “hot and sexy” guy like yourself and then assure her (with a straight face, even though your humor is implied) that it’s okay, and as long as she agrees to respect you for your mind and not just view you as a piece of meat, you’ll grant her two, maybe three minutes of your time. A girl brushes past you at the bar Here’s another opportunity that many men purposely create, yet never take advantage of. Whether it’s been natural instinct or you’ve read enough “how to score with chicks” books, you’re probably aware of the value of keeping yourself in a high-traffic area when you’re out at a club. The bar section of your favorite place is ideal. And how many times when standing there have you had highly attractive women brush past you to get access to the bartender and order some drinks? And how many times have you just stared at her, looked back to the ground, stared some more, looked down some more, and done nothing before she left and was back with her friends at another corner of the club? You need to use these moments. You need to take these opportunities and set yourself apart from everyone else. So next time a girl brushes past you, especially if she says “excuse me” or “pardon me” to get by … pounce! 209


Tell her she needs better material than “coming through” and if she REALLY wants to meet you, all she has to do in the future is introduce herself, pick up your tab, and agree to buy you dinner at some point in the next month.

You’re not really being mean… and you’re not here to start a fight At this point, some of you are probably starting to get a little worried about what might happen if your tone is taken the wrong way. Well, remember that time that guy went up to talk to that girl and she kicked the crap out of him because his t-shirt had a stain on the shoulder? No? That’s because it NEVER happened. You’re not going to be starting real fights here. You’re not going to act in a belligerent or hateful manner. And so you won’t be drawing that type of reaction to you. So stop getting yourself mired in all the what-ifs of the world, and just go out and experience life. That being said, I want to reiterate the following: you’re not being pushy, imposing, or threatening in any of these situations. And so you definitely don’t want to have that type of attitude in mind when you’re approaching someone. You’re simply giving her a fun, entertaining moment… and if done right, she’ll most likely play back. So if she throws you a pouty face, a shocked exaggerated look, or gives some other reaction, be sure to ask yourself if she’s really offended or if she’s just testing you to see if you’ll back down like all the other punks she’s had to turn down. Throughout these situations, you obviously have to watch yourself. So don’t maliciously insult her or any of her friends (or boyfriends) that might be around. Whatever action you personally take is action you are personally responsible for, and you’ll face the consequences alone. That said, I’ve never had a situation escalate to violence, so again, as long as you don’t push too hard and you’re smart, things should be just fine. 210


If you’re not abrasive, odds of getting any type of negative reaction at all are really pretty small. It isn’t even necessarily about getting a rise out of someone. It’s more about being unapologetic about the fact that you’re approaching that person in the first place. If you’re in a coffee shop, for instance, and you see an attractive girl sitting one table over eating a corn muffin, you might just want to nonchalantly look her way and say (with a dry, expressionless, deadpan look on your face) “nice muffin.” Or “cool muffin.” However you might naturally speak. This really is a silly line, but through its use, it should be obvious to them that you’re only really saying it to start a conversation. It should also be obvious to them that you know that they know this. And it should be obvious to them that you don’t care if they know this. Remember, this stuff is funny… and it’s fun. And the main reason it’s fun is because it applies directly to YOU…

Stick to what works… but do it YOUR way While the content provided in this chapter carries value through its direct use, it carries even more value through what’s implied. Use this information as a springboard and apply it to your own specific individual personality. Be congruent and let your approaches, your demeanor, and your role-reversal humor reflect the person you really are. And remember, you can be nice without being a ‘nice guy.’

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Play nice The first thing most people forget when initially applying this material is that one should not deviate too much from who they currently are too quickly. A lot of the internal changes will be gradual… and they’ll be natural. And it will be a lot easier on you if you remember that you still owe other people a decent, appropriate level of respect. The chapter to follow will discuss this in better detail and ensure that you use this material in the healthiest, fairest, safest, and most beneficial way.

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As was hinted at the end of the last chapter, there’s a manner in which you should be approaching all of this so that your results are as good as they can possibly be. So as you really start to learn and apply all of the information in this book, remember that you still owe other people a certain degree of courtesy and respect… just as you always did.

Respect others Taking the advice in this book and applying it will result in a natural pattern of behavior that automatically leads to treating others with respect. And this is very important since showing respect for those around you is a big part of being charismatic. But for those who may misinterpret some of the information provided for the Male-Female/dating-relationship aspect of things, it’s very easy to forget that respect is a necessary part of this equation as well. So let me to remind you as we approach the end of this book that you must always respect the people you’re interacting with. A lot of the content might have you teasing others a little. It also might have you behaving in a way that they’re not used to. But ultimately, you’re still really only having a little fun with people… and you’re making sure they’re having some fun themselves. Nothing you’re doing is supposed to be malicious or mean-spirited. And with that said, nothing you’re doing should keep you from demonstrating some manners and class.

Manners and Class A huge part of being charismatic is having manners and class. And please understand that there’s a huge difference between having manners and kissing ass. It’s okay to be nice to people.

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It’s okay to be accommodating. As long as you’re not hurting yourself in the process, you’re supposed to treat others well. So be the type of person who’s happy to do favors. Be the type of person that others can depend on. Be the type of person who’s genuine in everything that they do. And be the type of person who shows gratitude and thanks others.

The power of ‘Thank You’ When someone does something for you, let them know you appreciate it and thank them. It probably seems silly that I would bother to say something like this, since everyone already pretty much knows it. But you’d be shocked at how many people fail to provide a simple gesture of gratitude when someone else is doing something nice for them. And being thankful isn’t something you should ‘feel obligated’ to do. It’s something you should actually want to do. The type of person who’s grateful for things is the type of person who continues to get even more of those things over the course of their life. Trust me on that one.

Gratitude can be about your action, not just your words. A real difference in the world of dating is that you show gratitude with your action rather than your words. You don’t have to say ‘I love you’ one hundred times a day to let the person you’re with know you care. You can show them with your action. In fact, actual behavior rather than words is a lot more powerful and effective in giving someone else a pleasant experience anyway. I always operate in a certain way so that those who are out with me feel good… but I do it in a way that I’m not kissing their ass.

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I open doors for women. I open doors for everybody actually. But especially when I’m out on a date. On a date, it’s okay to do things like opening the car door for her. Or helping her with her coat. As long as you’re not kissing up while you’re doing it, this is the kind of thing you’re actually supposed to do. And this brings us right back to what I was talking about earlier in the book when I stressed the importance of embracing gender roles. A real man takes responsibility for the safety and well-being of the woman when he’s out with… even if she doesn’t need it. If she’s a black belt and can kick his ass, fine. So be it. But it’s still his job to place himself between her and a busy street when they’re walking together. Because I haven’t seen a black belt yet who can handle getting run over by a new Escalade. As soon as I see someone get hit by a car, brush themselves off, and just walk away, I’ll be sure to let you know. Now let’s be honest here… is either one of you really going to be hit by a car while walking on a sidewalk? Odds are pretty slim. But class is about the gesture. It’s about saying “yeah, we know this won’t happen, but if I’m wrong, the car’s going to have to get through me to get to you.” And that is how you show you have class. And by the way, you don’t have to be rich in order to behave in this way. You don’t need a large bank roll in order to have manners and class.

It’s NOT about the Benjamins Understand right now that class has nothing to do with financial stature. You can be one of the poorest people on the planet and still have class. And you can be one of the richest and not have it. Class is simply carrying yourself with pride and respect. Not only in and for yourself, but for others as well.

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Let me give you an example. I used to live next door to some of the rudest, most ignorant people you could imagine. They had absolutely no understanding of what it meant to have any kind of real dignity, and they stood out like a sore thumb on our block. Again, this had nothing to do with finances, especially since they were living on the same block as people who were normal (it was a basic run-of-the-mill middle class neighborhood). And it wasn’t about any cultural differences or misunderstandings either since the rude things that they did completely transcended any specificity to their nationality. They were just obnoxious, loud people. They had no pride in who they were. They repeatedly honked their own horn in their own driveway at their own family members. They would come in as late as midnight and carry on loud conversations in their driveway rather than having the decency to take their own business into their own house. And even when they took things inside, they could be heard hollering at each other from houses away during the summer when their windows were open. Not fighting… hollering. The weird and loud conversations they were having were actually normal to them. They didn’t respect their own property, either. They tossed litter onto their own backyard and frequently spit on their own driveway. If that wasn’t bad enough, none of them could drive apparently, and when they would turn into their own driveway, they would drive over their own lawn and ruin it. I’m not kidding here. They allowed their young children to be up and running around past midnight on a school night, which to me made no sense. They lied to people. They were pathological liars… and their lies were obvious and blatant. But it went past all of these actions. You knew these people had no class simply by the way they walked. You could just see it on them. I encourage you to really pay attention to the way someone walks every now and then. You’ll know exactly what they think of themselves. You’ll know exactly how they view life. You’ll 217


know exactly why they are in whatever circumstances they’re in. I personally pity people like this. They’ll never get far in life. Even if you think they do, it will be an illusion. After all, you see classless people in high-paying jobs. You see classless people living exciting lives. You see classless people stumbling on to good things. But you only see part of it. You don’t see the turmoil they live with every day. You don’t see the shattered relationships they come home to. You don’t see them waking up every morning and being unable to look in the mirror. You don’t see that their ignorance prevents them from being anything even resembling a quality human being. Worse yet, some people feel entitled to behaving in such a classless way because they think their environment makes it appropriate. It doesn’t matter where you live or where you work. If you’re letting external circumstances determine internal behavioral patterns, then you are not in control of your life. And that’s definitely somewhere you DON’T want to be. I want to reiterate that this is all about what’s going on internally. Your internal environment is who you truly are. And so, you don’t need to know how to pick out champagne to have class. You don’t need to know how to order in a fancy restaurant to have class. You don’t need a Rolls Royce to have class. Or expensive diamonds. Or a house in Beverly Hills. Or your name on a billboard. Or knowledge of the latest fashion trends. Or anything like that. You just need whatever it is you carry with you every day… on the inside. Cliché, I know… but that’s still just the way it is. Also, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, it’s perfectly fine to hold a high opinion of yourself. Because how you view yourself doesn’t necessarily have to reflect how you view others in relation to you.

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You don’t have to look down on ‘them’ to look up to yourself Being charismatic doesn’t mean giving people the impression that you’re better than they are. It’s simply giving them the accurate impression that you have a high (not conceited) opinion of yourself… and presenting that opinion in a way that they easily and happily agree with. You’re not looking down on others. You’re not acting like you’re more important. All you’re simply doing is implying that you personally carry importance, and if they want to keep up with you, they’re more than welcome. Keep this in mind, especially when you’re in delicate situations like breaking the ice, going on that first date, or interacting in an office environment. Pride is okay to have of it’s not hurting anyone. In fact, you can do others a great service by helping them develop pride in themselves. So do the little things that will accomplish that.

Give others credit Give other people credit whenever possible. Often times, all people really want to hear is that they did a good job. Or that they did something that was appreciated. Just as I mentioned earlier in this chapter, there’s a real value in offering that kind of gratitude. And this type of behavior benefits you as well. Not only will you be known as the type of giving person who others are always happy to be around, but on those occasions when you take credit for something yourself, your claim to that recognition will seem a lot more legitimate and be far less likely to be questioned. The less you doubt in others, the less they’ll doubt in you. Finally…

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Enjoy the people around you If you’re not enjoying the moment while you are around others… and they aren’t enjoying the moment while they are around you, what is the point of you being around each other? It is that very question you should always have in mind when you’re dealing with other people. That goes for dating. That goes for business. That goes for everything. Approaching your interaction with others through this perspective is all you’ll ever need in order to ensure that you continue to carry yourself in an appealing, magnetic, charming, and charismatic way. So never forget to operate around others with this vital understanding.

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As we near the end of this volume, I just wanted to give you a little more useful information and delve a bit further into some insights that might help you better connect with others. Life really is like that cliché that says “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” So make sure you’re putting yourself in the right position to know the right people. For instance…

Make a connection behind the bar Get to know bartenders in popular after-work happy hour spots and build up a good rapport with them… your familiarity with them and the camaraderie that’s put on display every time you are there will automatically make you seem like less of a stranger to those around you, and they’ll be a lot more open to any conversations you start with them. To really understand this tip a little better, just think about the people that you yourself have felt comfortable around. They were the ones who seemed warm and friendly and always easily got along well with others around you. And it’s that very appearance of familiarity that will aid you in establishing that comfort level when you’re in a popular bar that’s frequented by industry professionals after the regular work day ends. This is where you’ll make some real connections. This idea has merit in other ways as well. Make nice with the bouncer of the club you like to frequent. Be pleasant to any receptionists or assistants you need to deal with on regular basis. Always be a good tipper when the situation calls for it. I think you see where I’m going with all of this. Treat people with the kind of respect they appreciate and deserve, even if they don’t seem to be in any position of importance or influence, and you’ll find yourself making connections in new ways at an astonishing rate. And when you’re making these connections, you want to make sure that you always have a reliable way to contact them…

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Getting their card is more important than giving them yours From a dating standpoint, you’re in a stronger position when you ask for someone’s phone number or e-mail without giving them immediate access to you. It’s a great way of leaning back, establishing yourself as a rare or exclusive commodity, and enhancing your status. And you want to be sure to get the other person’s info in professional situations as well… but for a different reason. In situations where you’re networking and making contacts for the purposes of advancing your career, getting their info should always be the priority because it will be an easy way for you to maintain contact with them and demonstrate that you can be an asset rather than a liability should they choose to work with you in the future. Think about it. If you throw your card around to just anyone, you really don’t know who’s even going to care. But if you get someone else’s card instead, you’re in a fantastic position to show THEM that YOU care. And people care about people who care about them. Getting in touch with new business contacts the next day, informing them that it was nice meeting them, and inviting them to contact you if they ever need anything is a great way to demonstrate that you’re the type of person who will go that extra mile for them. And you can only do that by first getting that card with that work e-mail address (or even that snail mail address if you want to really go all out and send a cordial hand-written note – something that REALLY leaves a lasting impression!). Also, get yourself comfortable with the idea of doing favors for other people without the intention of getting anything from them in return. True, they might be able to help you somewhere down the line, but then again, they may never have anything to offer you. 223


Either way, if you’re not stuck in the mind frame of ‘keeping score’, you’ll end up doing so many nice things for so many people, the solid reputation you develop as a result will help you in surprising and pleasant ways you couldn’t begin to dream of. Bob Burg wrote two fantastic books that go into more detail regarding all of this and dealing with others on a professional level. There really is a science to making more connections, and it starts with what I’ve given you in the paragraphs above. That said, if you want to go even deeper, Bob’s books are titled Winning Without Intimidation and Endless Referrals, and I highly recommend both of them. Now, there’s one particular difference I want to note regarding the exchange of information in business vs. info exchange for dating and romance. In professional scenarios, if someone asks you for your info, you obviously make it easy and gladly give it to them. Interacting with someone for businesses reasons won’t be helped if you’re teasing them (as in dating scenarios) and jokingly make things difficult. It’s simply a different dynamic and a different way in which you want to represent yourself. Speaking of representing yourself properly, remember that respect is paramount to your success. So you have to do what is necessary to show respect for others. And you also have to behave in a way that will ensure that others respect you as well. And in order to accomplish that, you’ll need to set and maintain your own personal boundaries.

Maintain your own personal boundaries One of the first things you need to realize, regardless of your situation, is that it really is okay to say ‘no’ sometimes. If there’s something you’re being asked to do that you really don’t want to do… or if you’re being put in a position that you don’t want to be put in… or if you’re being cornered in any way by somebody 224


else, it’s YOUR responsibility to handle yourself in a way that tells the other party that this is not okay. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude or belligerent in any way. It doesn’t mean you have to make a public scene or embarrass whoever is challenging your personal boundary. All it means is that if you don’t think something is right, you must realize that it is your job to keep yourself from doing it. And it’s okay if you do, because that is how people maintain respect. They have their own preferences. They have their own standards. They have their own boundaries. That’s why nice guys never get any respect… they never make note of what they actually want to do. They always carry the attitude of “where do YOU want to go for dinner?” “I’m sorry I don’t have a more expensive car to chauffer you around in.” “Anything you want, dear.” This kind of attitude just doesn’t work. It violates that vital congruency that I’ve spent the last 200 pages talking about. And as you know by now, when you’re not congruent, everyone knows you’re not real. And that’s when they lose respect for you. So get yourself used to saying the word ‘no’ every now and then. Through this method, you’ll be able to remain a challenge in business without insulting your potential clients. Through this method, you’ll simply and honestly provide the limits you’re willing to go to in whatever particular situation you may be in. And through this method, you’ll always remain authentic. And authenticity obviously keeps things a lot more interesting. And when it comes to creating your charisma, there are very few things that are more important than keeping things interesting.

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Keeping yourself interesting Whether you’re in the realm of dating or you’re trying to improve your position career-wise, it’s okay to rely on a few ‘crutches’ or gimmicks here and there… especially in the beginning when you’ll be working your hardest to cultivate an effective level of charisma. It’s okay to realize that as you grow as a person and begin to develop an appealing and pleasing personality, certain situations will arise that call for a little ‘extra’ outside help. Don’t allow yourself to feel inferior if you’re ever faced with this type of situation. There’s NO shame in using crutches when they’re really needed. Everyone uses crutches. In fact, the smartest people enlist any aid of any kind whenever the opportunity presents itself. They want to do every little thing they can possibly do to make themselves more interesting. They want to do all they can to present themselves in a better light.

Use your talents or find some new ones If you’ve got some interesting talent that can be utilized to impress or entertain the people around you, then use it. If nothing comes to mind that you can use, you might want to buy a book or two on palmistry, astrology, or even handwriting analysis. Talents in any of these areas might go over well if there ever seems to be a lull in your interaction with someone. Another great tactic to use is cold reading. It’s a fantastic way to separate you from anything the person you’re out with has ever seen before, and it can be extremely effective. But I must stress that this kind of behavior should only be done with the specific intent of having fun. There’s no need to use it for manipulating whoever you’re out with.

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Cold reading simply means you give some kind of accurate or insightful assessment about the person you’re with. It’s information about them that they didn’t exactly divulge, but that you were able get based on the conversation you’ve been having with them. It can be something real or it can be a humorous fact that doesn’t actually reflect them. For instance, you can say “land…sea…or air… pick one.” If they pick land, you can go on about how consistent they are in their opinions and how they stick to their decisions (like a solid rock). If they go with sea, you can describe them as easily adaptable to change… having the ability to deal with situations as they come (as in going with the flow). If they pick air, they’re an open person who isn’t shy about expressing themselves to the world (as in an open air, nonrestricted environment). Are those answers legit? Probably not. But you see where I’m going with this. Someone who tells you they enjoy classical music gives you an opportunity to ‘assess’ that they enjoy precision and are perfectionists. That can be referenced later if you do something well, but they still complain about it. Someone who owns a greenhouse (all glass) can be ‘interpreted’ as a sensitive individual with erratic emotional swings. Their ability to keep their cool can easily be shattered (like glass). This can be referenced next time you tell a dirty joke and they are bothered by it. Again, you see where I’m going with this, and you can keep it all in good fun. And while you’re learning all these new ways to entertain others, you’re also going to have to find yourself some new people to try these talents out on. So go out there and meet other people. If you’re not into the bar or club scene or you just want to meet new people in other forums, you’ve got plenty of options. Activities that are available in your community right now are fantastic ways for you to make new connections.

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Meeting people through local activities Local activities you might be interested in really are great avenues for meeting new people. Whether you want to learn ballroom dancing or go to an acting class or join a local dodgeball league or anything else… you’re guaranteed to make some interesting connections. And this goes for both dating and business. In fact, one of the best ways to meet people that may play a role in improving your life is to volunteer for some local charity. The people you meet by volunteering for these kinds of places will most likely have hearts of gold, a wide array of connections of their own, and a willingness to help you if they can. So expand out of your usual norm, and take part in any or all of the options listed above. Or think of some other community activity that appeals to you. Trust me, you won’t regret it. I realize as you read all of this that some of you may still be a little shy or a little hesitant to just go up to complete strangers and start conversations. So I just want to remind you that there really is no big deal to it. As long as you’re not weird, clingy, or creepy in any other way (and confidence through congruency fixes all of that), nobody is going to look down on you for being friendly. And if someone in particular isn’t impressed by you, SO WHAT. Does their opinion REALLY matter?? I’m not sure who first said it, but I remember hearing a saying that went along the lines of: “If you knew how little others really thought, you wouldn’t worry about what they think at all.” Besides, if you take the right perspective, meeting new people can actually be even more fun than you might have ever expected. All you have to do is make things a little more interesting…

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Make meeting people a fun challenge One of the hardest things to get over when you start to work with this material is overcoming that shyness that has been with you for years and years (and for some of you, even decades). This isn’t to say that you’re actually a shy person, but when it comes to approaching members of the opposite sex or trying to network in social environments, most people initially have a little trouble coming out of their shell and establishing a real comfort level. And a great way for overcoming this problem is to push yourself with positive incentives. For example, you and some friends can play a little game that I like to call “The Money Pot for Pickup Challenge.” The rules are simple. At the beginning of the night (at a bar or club or any other place that works), you and some friends each put at least $20 in a pool of ‘community money’. This is the pot. And at the end of the night, only one person walks away with all the cash. The criteria for winning can be anything from the person who makes the most approaches… to the person who gets the most rejections… to the first person to get a certain number of rejections… to the person with the best or most interesting story from hitting on someone… to anything else you might think of that would apply to you. For the purposes of overcoming shyness and realizing that being turned down really isn’t the end of the world, I suggest (in the beginning, at least) that you award the money to the person who got the most rejections on the evening. Obviously, you’re operating in an honor system and have to trust each other to be completely honest about your results. But if everyone really participates and plays fair, it can be a very fun game that helps make for a very interesting evening.

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The whole point of this is to have fun regardless of your own results. Because when you’re genuinely having fun, your results automatically end up getting better anyway. So have fun with the game, bring everything you’ve got to the table, and enjoy the huge wad of cash you earn yourself at the end of the night. Besides using positive incentives, you can do other things like ask a stranger to take a picture of you somewhere. This one is an easy ice-breaker, and if done the right way at the right location, you can actually build instant rapport with the other person. For example, go to a health foods store, wait for the first person you find attractive to come out, walk up to them, and ask them to take a picture of you in front of the store as evidence that you were actually there. Joke about how you made a bet with some friends about losing weight or something like that. Then, with a deadpan look on your face, ask them if weight loss is the reason they shop there. If they say yes, you can tease them with a line like “Oh really? Hey, my ass is fat, too! Let’s be friends!” If they deny it and say no… accuse them of lying to you (jokingly, of course) and follow it up with a “Hey, my ass is fat, too! Let’s be friends!” The same exact statement works in both situations, and you win either way. You don’t need to feel obligated to hit on someone in this situation, by the way. You can simply ask them to take your picture, thank them, and then move on. This is really only about getting yourself comfortable with the idea of going up to complete strangers and introducing yourself. And the more experience you give yourself, the more comfortable you’ll be. And the more comfortable you are, the better you’ll get. It’s as simple as that.

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In conclusion The value of the material in this chapter and all those that preceded it is two-fold. On the one hand, you have useful, tangible advice and insight into making yourself as charismatic as you would like to be. And on the other hand, you have fantastic examples that you can specifically apply to your own individual life and needs. So remember to be creative with all of this and, as I’ve probably said way too many times at this point, HAVE FUN. If you’re not having fun, there is no point to this. Finally, now that you’ve read this book, don’t assume you know everything in it, and don’t assume you’ll be applying the tools in it on a consistent and continuous basis. Read the book all the way through again, taking detailed notes that personally apply to you. Remember that if you have any questions or need further clarification on anything, I will be answering as many questions as I possibly can through the CreateYourCharisma.com website. So write in and write often. That’s what I’m there for. Also, keep this book in a highly accessible place so that you can refer to it often. And keep it in a highly visible place so that you’re always reminded to use what it offers. Everything is now up to you at this point. I can offer assistance through answering your questions. And I can add even more insight through workshops, personal consultations, tele-classes, and future products. But it’s still up to you to learn and use what I give you. So get out there and create YOUR charisma!

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As we wrap things up here, there’s something very important you need to keep in mind as you move forward. The majority of people you will be interacting with from this point on are most likely unaware of much of what you have just learned in this book. That puts you in an incredible position of influence. So as you deal with them in the multitude of scenarios you will be faced with, be sure to refrain from using your new and powerful insight to take advantage of them. And along those same lines, try not to take things personally or hold things against them that are a result of their own ignorance. We were all at a point where we just didn’t know any better at one time or another. It is now your responsibility to integrate that understanding into all of your thoughts and actions to follow. I also want to thank you for reaching higher than most, and for giving this little volume your time, energy, and full attention. It has been my true pleasure to offer you this information, and I know that it will bring great things into your life. I really do hope you have and will continue to enjoy significant gains from the content presented in this book. It’s very important to me that this volume provides for you much more in actual value than the dollar amount you’ve exchanged to read it. And I think it’s fairly obvious that I’ve personally gone to great lengths to include anything and everything you might need in your own attempts to enhance your social skill set and create your charisma. But so as to ensure that I really do provide you with everything you need, I want to invite you to write in with any and all questions you may have about the knowledge you’ve just acquired. As a reader of this book, you are now officially a client of CreateYourCharisma.com, and we do our best to make sure that all of our clients are taken care of.

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Keep in mind when you write in: No topic will be off-limits, and so as to protect your privacy, I will never reveal your last name or e-mail address in the newsletters I’ll be using to answer your questions. Speaking of which, if you haven’t signed up for it yet on our site, this special Insiders Newsletter is FREE, and I can’t recommend it enough. Additionally, for those who really want to delve further into this material, you will have ample opportunity through various interactive formats, including Workshops, Tele-Classes, Personal Consultations, new books, CD’s, DVD’s, and anything else I can think of to help you create your charisma! Truly, we’ll be taking things to a whole new level in these additional avenues of content presentation. This is not an ending. It is a beginning. And I’m looking forward to joining you on this ambitious new journey. Remember, nobody can make the ride worth it but you. So make sure to approach life with the kind of enthusiasm, hope, and confidence you’ve always identified in the charismatic ones around you. To your success!

-Andrew

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Are you ready to skyrocket your social IQ…

go even deeper in your knowledge for effectively communicating with others…

and take your charisma creation to the NEXT level?...

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Whether your interest is in thriving in the dating world or excelling in business, you might want to think about attending one of CreateYourCharisma.com’s highly-interactive LIVE EVENTS! Let’s face it. Everyone has something that is important to them that they would love to learn more about. Everyone wants to improve in some way. But what most people don’t realize is that there’s no better way of learning and improving than by taking a bold step and participating in a live interactive environment. Only in this format can one really accelerate their progress and advance their skills to a higher plateau. Why is a live interactive event so conducive to creating YOUR charisma? Because only in this kind of environment are you surrounded by a multitude of likeminded individuals, all striving to build or enhance their own social skill sets. And only in such an environment will you find those around you so eager and able to contribute relevant questions, share challenges, and offer unparalleled energy… leading to amazing insights, profound realizations, and the attainment of better social skills in all applicable areas of life. In response to the demand for this form of content presentation, I’m very pleased to offer such an option since I know that there are those out there who really are ready to take things to the next level.

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And with the understanding that these events truly are vital to one’s individual success, I’ve taken steps to create a program that will help everyone achieve their desired results regardless of where they fall in the realm of social dynamics. With that in mind, in order to ensure the enjoyment, efficiency, and educational value of your experience, I will be leading each scheduled live event personally. I take a lot of pride in keeping things as dynamic, vibrant, and fun as I possibly can, and the results never fail to surpass my highest expectations. I’m sure you’re extremely anxious to learn even more about what each event actually entails, so I’ve left plenty of details at www.CreateYourCharisma.com ...but to give you a hint right now, let’s just say that YOU personally play an important role in the information I actually end up covering. To learn more, head on over to CreateYourCharisma.com and click on the “Live Programs” section. I’m definitely looking forward to hearing from you and providing you with yet another fantastic resource for helping YOU create YOUR charisma!

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Charisma Creator

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