WAITRESS
Music and Lyrics by Sara Bareilles Book by Jessie Nelson Based on the original screenplay by Adrienne Shelly
4/7/2017
WAITRESS
SONG LIST ACT ONE
Prologue: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.
What’s Inside – Jenna Opening Up – Jenna, Becky, Dawn, Cal and Company The Negative – Jenna, Becky, and Dawn What Baking Can Do – Jenna When He Sees Me – Dawn It Only Takes a Taste – Dr. Pomatter and Jenna You Will Still Be Mine – Earl Soft Place to Land – Jenna, Becky, and Dawn Never Getting Rid of Me – Ogie and Company Bad Idea – Jenna and Dr. Pomatter
ACT TWO
10. I Didn't Plan It – Becky 11. Bad Idea (Reprise) – Jenna, Dr. Pomatter, Becky, Cal, Dawn, Ogie and Company 12. You Matter to Me — Doctor Pomatter and Jenna 13. I Love You Like A Table — Ogie, Dawn and Company 14. Take It From An Old Man – Joe and Company 15. She Used To Be Mine – Jenna 16. What’s Inside (Reprise) – Company 17. Everything Changes (Part I) – Jenna 17a. Everything Changes (Part II) – Jenna and Company 18. Opening Up (Finale) – Full Company
PLACE
A small town off Highway 27.
TIME
Not so long ago.
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1
ACT 1 SCENE 1: THE DINER KITCHEN In a pool of buttery morning light, JENNA, a soulful waitress in her thirties, pours herself into the pie she’s making. Her face is dusted with flour. She’s lovely but has forgotten that, her dreams years ago tucked on a shelf. PROLOGUE: WHAT’S INSIDE
SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR, BUTTER SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR These words become the sonic bed for Jenna’s reverie and continue to play while she sings. She has such an ease with baking that the ingredients seem to surreally float in front of her as the ensemble, her muses, hand her a bowl, a spoon, flour etc. JENNA
MY HANDS PLUCK THE THINGS I KNOW THAT I’LL NEED I’LL TAKE THE SUGAR AND BUTTER FROM THE PANTRY I ADD THE FLOUR TO BEGIN WHAT I AM HOPING TO START AND THEN IT’S DOWN WITH THE RECIPE AND BAKE FROM THE HEART JENNA
ENSEMBLE
SUGAR, AND BUTTER, AND FLOUR, AND MOTHER WHAT’S INSIDE? EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW “WHAT’S INSIDE?” AND I ALWAYS TELL THEM, BUT I FEEL MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY
OOH!. WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? OOH! ENS1
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S INSIDE? SIMPLE QUESTION SO THEN WHAT’S THE ANSWER MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN HERE IN THIS KITCHEN BAKING
OOH!.. OOH!. OOH!.
ENS 2
WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE? WHAT’S INSIDE?
JENNA
WHAT A MESS I’M MAKING The ensemble hands her a fully baked pie. The cook, CAL, a guy’s guy surrounded by gals – brusque, unsentimental but somehow utterly charming – breaks her reverie. CAL
Jenna!
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2
INTRO: OPENING UP CAL (CONT’D)
What’s the special pie today? JENNA
Deep Shit Blueberry Bacon. CAL
Deep shit? JENNA
Dish! Deep Dish! Sorry Cal. The other waitresses join Jenna as the morning tasks begin. BECKY – the oldest, irreverent, irascible, been there, made it back, and somehow kept her sense of humor – and DAWN – socially awkward, a bit of a nerd, loves an ordered world, she has spent too much time alone watching The History Channel. (Continue to song on next page ! )
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3
SONG #1: OPENING UP JENNA
THE DAY STARTS LIKE THE REST WE’VE SEEN ANOTHER CARBON COPY OF AN OLD ROUTINE BECKY
DAYS KEEP COMING, DAWN
ONE OUT, ONE IN JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
THEY KEEP COMING CAL
Make the coffee strong enough to chew! JENNA
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WISH I HAD BUT THERE’S NO TIME NOW FOR THINKING THINGS LIKE THAT WE’VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO DAWN & BECKY
TOO MUCH TO DO THREE WAITRESSES
ALL THESE SAME THINGS WE’RE ALWAYS OPENING UP LETTING THE DAY IN OVER A CUP WE’LL SAY HELLO, HOW YOU BEEN? LOOKING AROUND SEEING THE SAME THINGS EVERY DAY BRINGS THREE WAITRESSES + CAL
ENSEMBLE
HELLO HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN COME AGAIN! ALL
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
ENSEMBLE
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE (ECHO)
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4
As the band glides in, JOE’S DINER, bustling with life, materializes around them. BECKY
I WOULDN’T CALL THIS PLACE A HAPPY END BUT I’VE BEEN ‘ROUND THE BLOCK AND JUST CAME BACK AGAIN A SMALL TOWN LIKE OURS AIN’T MUCH BUT SOMETIMES HOME IS WHERE YOUR ASS ENDS UP CAL
ORDER UP! DAWN
ORDERED UP IS HOW THE DAY WILL FIND ME EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE AND TIMING I LIKE THE WAY MOST OF THE DAYS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME THREE WAITRESSES
CAL
ENS 1
ENS 2
ORDER UP
MORE OF THE SAME THINGS
WAITRESS I NEED
DON’T STOP SERVE WITH A SMILE
MORE OF THE SAME THINGS
I NEED
AND THEN IN A WHILE
MORE OF THE SAME THINGS
I NEED
CHECK THE CLOCK TICK TICK TOCK
HURRY UP FILL THE COFFEE CUP AND THEN IN A WHILE TAKE A BREATH WHEN YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT WITH
YOU NEED TO BE REMINDED THAT WITH
ALL
DAYS LIKE THESE WE CAN ONLY DO THE BEST WE CAN THREE WAITRESSES
TILL WE DO IT AGAIN CAL
COME ON MOVE IT NOW
WAITRESS THREE WAITRESSES + CAL
OPENING UP
OPENING UP
ENS1
HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU AGAIN SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE
5 ENS2 HELLO (ECHO)
HOW YOU BEEN? (ECHO) THANK YOU (ECHO) AGAIN HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU AGAIN
HELLO HELLO HOW YOU BEEN? HOW YOU BEEN? THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN COME AGAIN!
ALL
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE ENSEMBLE
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE (ECHO) END SONG
WAITRESS CAL
Becky!... Order up!... Come on, put some hustle in that bustle. Becky takes her own sweet time to pick up the order. BECKY
Cal – I love what you’ve done with your hair. How’d you get it to come out of your nostrils like that? Jenna heads to JOE’s table – he’s a feisty, older curmudgeon with a hard shell but a buttercream center . JENNA
Howdy Joe, what’ll it be? JOE
It’s warm in here, I’m warm. JENNA
I’ll let Cal knowJOE
My palms are sweatin’ it’s so damn warm. JENNA
I hear you, Joe. JOE
OK listen up- today I want a big piece of your Deep Dish Blueberry Bacon pie with my scrambled eggs and toast and a tomata on the side, on its own plate. JENNA
No potatoes with that? JOE
Did I say anything about potatas? Where'd you get potatas from? JENNA
No potatoes. Tomato. That everything? JOE
No. I also want coffee. But don't bring that first. Bring me water first with the meal, and coffee after. Are you OK? Am I makin’ you sick? JENNA
Sorry I’m just feeling a tad queasy— Jenna heads to the counter. Becky and Dawn clock it. INTRO: THE NEGATIVE
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WAITRESS DAWN
You OK Jenna? JENNA
Yeah I’m fine. Too much coffee’s all. BECKY
Avoidin’ it ain’t gonna make it go away. But Jenna can’t contain the nausea and beelines toward the bathroom. Dawn and Becky follow. CAL
Hey hey HEY! Where the hell you all goin? BECKY
To the beach! Pack us a lunch. The gals enter the bathroom. Cal stands frustrated at the door. CAL
There’s no one on the floor! Am I gonna have’ta put on a waitress uniform myself! BECKY
Whatever floats your boat, Cal. CAL
Let me remind you I can fire your ass – BECKY
Sorry Cal we can’t hear you – the water’s running. CAL
Get out here! I’m only saying it once ! This is the last time I’m sayin’ it! (Radio silence from the gals.) Dammit. Frustrated, Cal gives up and heads back to the kitchen. JENNA
I gotta get back to my table. BECKY
Jenna, time to pee on a stick. Becky slowly reveals the pregnancy test tucked in her apron. JENNA
I don’t wanna know!
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WAITRESS
SONG #2: THE NEGATIVE BECKY
COME ON HONEY, YOU’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH BECKY & DAWN
GET TO IT AND DO IT JENNA
Ok, girls, enough! BECKY & DAWN
YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN DAWN
I HOPE YOU DRANK ENOUGH THIS MORNING BECKY
COME ON SWEETIE IT’S BETTER TO KNOW WE’LL BE RIGHT HERE WITH YOU, SO DAWN
IT’S NO OR IT’S YES, BUT EITHER WAY, YOU GOTTA TAKE THE TEST BECKY
A SQUAT AND A SQUEEZE, A PRAYER AND A PLEASE, IT’S NOTHING DAWN
A STICK AND A LINE JENNA
JUST ONE OF ‘EM IF I’M LUCKY DAWN & BECKY
A POT AND A PISS, HERE WE GO SIS, AND WE’LL KEEP OUR FOCUS ON ALL THREE
THE NEGATIVE Jenna goes into the bathroom stall. BECKY
Read the instructions. DAWN
Se puede saber la duración de la prueba—
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9
BECKY
In English! DAWN
Do not insert the test stick into your vagina— BECKY
Thank you, Dawn! JENNA
HOW’D I EVER GET MYSELF IN THIS MESS? ONE DRUNK NIGHT AND THAT STUPID RED DRESS ! Jenna emerges from the stall with the stick. They put it on the sink. Dawn sets a kitchen timer and puts it beside it. DAWN
I love that red dress – the way it sparkles it looks like an ice skatin’ outfit— BECKY
Stay with us Dawn. DAWN
MAYBE HIS “MACHINERY” IS BROKEN SOMEHOW WHAT IF HIS “BOYS” DON’T SWIM? I MEAN, WOW !MIRACULOUS LUCK BECKY
Miraculous, yeah, TO GET AWAY WITH AN UNPROTECTED FUJENNA
FUNNY HOW ONE NIGHT CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!! BECKY & DAWN
DON’T GO THERE YET, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE TEST SAYS JENNA
I’M ALREADY PANICKED!! BECKY
Just calm down, goddammit! DAWN
MAYBE IT’LL ALL BE FINE ALL THREE
MAYBE THERE’LL BE JUST ONE LINE COME ON, NEGATIVE
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10
DAWN
I thought you don’t sleep with your husband much anymore. JENNA
Got me drunk. I do stupid things when I drink. Like sleep with my husband. BECKY
Honey, we’ve all made that mistake. ALL THREE
FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE BECKY
THIS WILL ALL BE ALRIGHT DAWN
IT WAS ONLY ONE NIGHT JENNA
SOMEONE SEND ME A SIGN BECKY & DAWN
ONE LINE ALL THREE
ONE LINE The kitchen timer dings. They all look at it apprehensively. BECKY & DAWN
THAT MEANS THE TEST IS READY ! THIS IS IT!. Jenna picks up the stick and reads the results, crestfallen. JENNA
Shit. END SONG (Continue to scene on next page ! )
WAITRESS
11
Jenna closes her eyes. BECKY
Honey, you all right? JENNA
Shh. I'm inventing a new pie in my head. CUE: PIE MUSIC BECKY
Of course you are. JENNA
I'm callin’ it “I Don’t Want Earl’s Baby Pie.” DAWN
I don’t think we can write that on the menu board. JENNA
Then I’ll just call it “Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.” DAWN
What’s gonna be in it? Jenna conjures the recipe. As each ingredient is mentioned, the ensemble emerges from the stall, handing her a bowl, an egg, a large sausage, a beer, a sparkly red dress. JENNA
Crack an egg, combine with sausage, soak it in beer, mix in cheesy red dressing, use extra shortening in your crust to trap the moisture in. Forever— BECKY
Jenna this ain’t somethin’ you can tuck into a pie. Cal bellows through the door, piercing the moment. CAL
HEY! CUE: THE NEGATIVE TRANSITION CAL (CONT’D)
Pledge the sorority later! (They quickly pull themselves together and exit the bathroom.) You don’t do your work I’ll dock your pay. (to Becky) And lady, you are really pushing my buttons today.
WAITRESS
12
BECKY
Which one is mute? A man’s voice cuts through the clatter of the diner – it’s Jenna’s husband, EARL. Earl peaked in high school, his face clouded with broken dreams drowned with cheap beer. He is almost a talented musician and that “almost” has haunted him his whole life. Publicly Earl is all charm, but privately, Jenna gets the brunt of his unhappiness. EARL
Waitress! Who do you have to know around here to get a piece of pie? JENNA
Earl – EARL
Hey sweet thang – Earl sits. Thrown, Jenna heads over to his table. Becky watches them like a hawk. JENNA
What are you doin’ here? EARL
Takin’ the rest of the day off. JENNA
What about work? EARL
Friggin foreman was on my ass for bein’ late. I said don’t blame the line at Taco Bell on me! I don’t belong in that shit job ! Hey where’s my kiss? JENNA
Earl I gotta get back to— EARL
They can wait. (Jenna kisses him on the cheek.)
How we doin’ today? (He holds out his hand, she reaches into her apron and hands him her tips – their ritual.)
Not bad! not great!You know I’ve been thinking. I’m not really sure it’s worth your working at this diner. I don’t like those girls. (Off Becky’s stink eye.)
That one looks at me like I just killed her dog. (Jenna gets him a piece of pie.) I think I might rather have you be home – makin’ me pies all day long. (Taking a bite of pie) Damn this is tasty. JENNA
Last piece left. Sold so fast today couldn’t quite believe it—
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EARL (jealous, a tad threatened)
Yeah, well, don’t go getting a big head or nothin’. I mean this is good but let’s face it !you’re no Sara Lee. JENNA
You used to say my pies were so good I could open my own shop. EARL
Yeah, well I was just tryin’ to get laid. CUE: PIE MUSIC We enter Jenna’s pie reverie, a fantasy of leaving Earl. JENNA
“My Husband’s A Jerk Chicken Pot Pie.” Pound chicken ‘til it’s unrecognizable. (BAM . The ensemble puts a suitcase on Earl’s table.) Pack flour quickly. (The ensemble throws her clothes to pack.) Use only essential ingredients. Simmer without a lid, enabling the vapor to escape swiftly from the mixture. (The ensemble gives her a coat.) EARL
Jenna!! Jenna!! JENNA! (Earl snaps, pulling Jenna out of her reverie, suitcase and coat disappearing.) You're not listening to me! I work hard. You want for nothin’ and you can’t even listen to me. JENNA
I’ll work on that, Earl. EARL
Am I imagining it or are your boobies gettin’ bigger? Like they practically grew a size overnight. Long pause. Is she gonna tell him? Becky clocks this. JENNA
That’s crazy Earl. EARL
Maybe you’re eatin’ just a little too much pie ! I’m outta here. (He starts to leave then, for Becky’s benefit, pulls open his shirt to reveal a large tattoo of his name emblazoned on his chest .)
You tell your friends about this bad boy? Earl. In Medieval font. Don’t get too close – ink’s still dryin’. He struts out.
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14
BECKY
Now that must be helpful, just in case he forgets who he is ! Jenna, life is a shit show. My left boob is now so much lower than my right I’m lucky I don’t trip over it. And I’m married to Drooling Phil The Invalid and buying Depends by the bulk. And Dawn here has never had a boyfriend and she eats TV dinners alone every night— DAWN
Chicken Kiev on Monday, Veal Piccata on TuesdayBECKY
—but we still wouldn’t rather be you. DAWN
No, we sure wouldn’t. Jenna gets back to work, covering her discomfort in this territory. JENNA
Everybody’s got somethin’ they’re dealin’ with. Don’t worry about me. It’ll be fine – BECKY
Yeah, some father Earl’s gonna be. Hon, don’t hold yourself to vows and promises you made when you were too young to know who the hell he really was! JENNA (defensive)
Earl wasn’t always like this. He’s just goin’ through a rough time is all. BECKY
What’s the shelf life on that excuse !. It gets quiet. JENNA
I couldn’t even afford to leave him now. DAWN
You can move in with me. It’s a studio but I have a full size twin. JENNA
That’s real sweet Dawn but I have a baby comin’. BECKY
Jenna, dust the flour out of your brain. Do that baby a favor and leave his sorry ass. JENNA
He’d never let me!
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15
BECKY
Honey, it’s not up to him. JENNA
Look I got 14 pies to make that ain’t gonna bake themselves. INTRO: WHAT BAKING CAN DO The pantry table comes on. Jenna avoids the conversation by diving into baking. BECKY
Jenna— JENNA (handing Becky pies)
Life’s Just Peachy Peachy Keen Pie. BECKY
Jenna! JENNA
Where There’s A Whisk There’s A Way Pie. BECKY
Oh Lord! (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #3: WHAT BAKING CAN DO JENNA
MAKE IT WORK MAKE IT EASY MAKE IT CLEVER CRAFT IT INTO PIECES MAKE IT SWEET CRIMP THE EDGES OR MAKE IT SOUR AND SERVE WITH LEMON WEDGES EVEN DOUBT CAN BE DELICIOUS AND IT WASHES OFF OF ALL THE DIRTY DISHES WHEN IT’S DONE I CAN SMILE IT’S ON SOMEONE ELSE’S PLATE FOR A WHILE I’LL PLACE IT ON DISPLAY AND THEN I’LL SLICE AND SERVE MY WORRIES AWAY CHORUS
CAUSE I CAN FIX THIS I CAN TWIST IT INTO SUGAR BUTTER COVERED PIECES NEVER MIND WHAT’S UNDERNEATH IT I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE I’LL BAKE ME A DOOR TO HELP ME GET THROUGH I LEARNED THAT FROM YOU MAMA, IT’S AMAZING WHAT BAKING CAN DO
DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DOO !
Jenna has a vision of her mom who begins baking with her. Now, in pools of light, women appear mirroring the baking gestures of Jenna’s mom.
MAKE IT UP AND SURPRISE THEM TELL THEM ALL MY SECRETS BUT DISGUISE THEM SO THEY DANCE ON THE TONGUES OF THE VERY PEOPLE THAT THEY’RE SECRETS FROM MAKE IT SOON MAKE IT BETTER THOUGH BETTER NEVER LASTS FOREVER MAKE IT SMALL SO IT FITS
OOH!
OOH!
EVEN THIS EVEN NOW EVEN AS THE WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN EVEN AS I CAN’T STOP REMEMBERING HOW EVERY DOOR WE EVER MADE WE NEVER ONCE WALKED OUT A haunted memory appears of suppressed violence between Jenna’s mother and father, and then disappears.
WAITRESS
JENNA (CONT’D)
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CHORUS (CONT’D)
OOH! SOMETHING I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO ASK HER ABOUT SO WITH FLOUR ON MY HANDS I’LL SHOW THEM ALL HOW GODDAMN HAPPY I AM SUGAR BUTTER FLOUR DON’T LET ME DOWN LET’S SEE THE NEXT AMAZING THING BAKING DOES NOW
DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO
END SONG Jenna puts multi-colored marshmallows on top of the pie. It is done. INTRO: KNOCKED UP YOU The counter becomes the waiting room, three pregnant women turn on the stools and in Jenna’s mind, sing to her surreally like pregnant Andrew Sisters. (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS
SONG #3A: CLUB KNOCKED UP PREGNANT WOMAN #1
KNOCK KNOCK! PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
KNOCK KNOCK! PREGNANT WOMAN #1
WHO’S THERE? PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
WHO’S THERE? PREGNANT WOMAN #1
KNOCKED UP PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
KNOCKED UP WHO? PREGNANT WOMAN #1
YOU THERE ALL THREE
JOIN US NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Hunterson, the doctor will see you now. ALL THREE
WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP PREGNANT WOMAN #1
KNOCK KNOCK! PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
WHO’S THERE PREGNANT WOMAN #1
PRECIOUS PREGNANT WOMEN #2 AND #3
PRECIOUS WHO? PREGNANT WOMAN #1
PRECIOUS LITTLE
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WAITRESS
ALL THREE
PARASITE WHO SET ITS SITE ON YOU The waiting room evolves into the exam room as the examination table comes on and Jenna takes a seat on it.
DREAMS COME TRUE WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP WELCOME TO CLUB KNOCKED UP! END SONG We hear a knock on the exam room door.
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ACT 1, SCENE 2: DR. POMATTER’S EXAM ROOM DR. POMATTER enters – early 30’s, genuinely warm, if clumsy, manner. DOCTOR POMATTER
Hello. Mrs. Bunterson? JENNA
Hunterson. Who are you? DOCTOR POMATTER
I’m your doctor. Doctor Pomatter. You brought a pie? You know I’ve only been in town a few weeks and I’m so impressed with the genuine hospitality of the place. JENNA
You're not my doctor. Lily Perkins is my doctor. This pie is for her. It's her favorite – “Mermaid Marshmallow.” DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, I’m sorry to say she’s not seeing any patients. She's semi-retired now. JENNA
What? DOCTOR POMATTER
Long story, making it short: I'm the new doctor on staff. I'm from Connecticut. Just moved here 2 weeks ago. Are you bored yet? JENNA
Yes. (Catching herself quickly.) No. DOCTOR POMATTER
Sorry. Anyway. If you're not comfortable having me as your doctor, that's fine ! my feelings won't be hurt, you can go get yourself another gynecologist in the area. JENNA
But Dr. Perkins delivered me. She's been my doctor forever. I really like and trust her. DOCTOR POMATTER
Well maybe you can really like and trust me too. Long pause. She studies him. JENNA
It doesn’t happen that fast. But I’ll try. DOCTOR POMATTER Good. Great! Then I'm your doctor. (shaking her hand) Nice to meet you, Mrs. Bunterson.
WAITRESS
21
JENNA
Hunterson. DOCTOR POMATTER
Hunterson. What seems to be the problem? JENNA
Well, I seem to be pregnant. DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh! Good! Good for you. Congratulations. JENNA
Thanks. But I don't want this baby. DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh. Well! I can refer you to a doctor that performs abor— JENNA
No, I'm keeping it. Not that I judge that ! I'm just telling you I'm not so happy about it like everybody else would be, so maybe you can be sensitive and not congratulate me and make a big deal every time you see me. I'm having the baby and that's that. It's not a party, though. DOCTOR POMATTER (taking a note)
Got it. Not a party. Nurse Norma enters. NURSE NORMA
Excuse me, Doctor. Mrs. Flannigan wants to talk to you about doulas before she leaves. DOCTOR POMATTER
Doulas? I have no idea what that is. I’m only joking. Of course I know what that is. Nurse Norma looks at him skeptically !”mm hmm!” DOCTOR POMATTER (mouthing to Jenna)
I have no idea what that is. Do you? NURSE And here are Mrs. Hunterson’s blood test results. Nurse Norma hands him the results as she exits.
WAITRESS DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, un-congratulations. You're definitely having a baby. JENNA
Well, un-thank you. DOCTOR POMATTER
Do you have any concerns?... Do's and don'ts?... Exercise, sex? JENNA
Well, I don't really do much of either. DOCTOR POMATTER
Ok! Here's your prescription for pre-natal vitamins. (He rips the sheet off the pad, drops it, and fumbles trying to catch it.)
Nurse Norma will give you a list of the good and bad foods. Caffeine, alcohol, etcetera... Nice meeting you, Jenna. I'll want to see you in three weeks. They lock eyes for a moment. He turns away, uncomfortable. JENNA
I do have one question. DOCTOR POMATTER
Shoot. JENNA
How pregnant am I? DOCTOR POMATTER
Um, very pregnant. There’s really only one degree of pregnancy, so to speak... JENNA
No, I mean... how far along? DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh! About 8 weeks. Give or take. JENNA
So I won’t start showing for a while, right? DOCTOR POMATTER
Right. JENNA (to herself)
Then I have a little time !
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WAITRESS DOCTOR POMATTER
Although it is quite beautiful when a woman’s body— JENNA
Yeah yeah yeah! DOCTOR POMATTER
Understood. A beat. JENNA
Dr. Pomatter? DOCTOR POMATTER
Yeah? JENNA
I’m gonna give you this pie. Jenna holds out the pie. DOCTOR POMATTER
It looks absolutely delicious but I’m off sugar ! actually it causes leptin resistance, chromium deficiency, decreased longevity! JENNA
My mama used to say you can live to be a 100 if you give up all the things that make you wanna live to be a 100. DOCTOR POMATTER
Well the longer you’re away from sugar the less you crave it. I haven’t had a piece of pie in years. JENNA
Really? Life’s hard enough. Jenna leaves the pie on the exam table, a parting gesture, and exits. Pomatter studies the pie, then leaves the room. After a moment, he opens the door, unable to resist a sniff. It just smells too good. He climbs on the table and searches for something to take a bite with. Finally, he uses his stethoscope to scoop a bite. CUE: POMATTER PIE TRANSITION
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Time stops. He’s flooded with memories, transported by its deliciousness. Nurse Norma wheels him off on the exam table as he relishes the pie. The office deconstructs and the diner materializes.
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ACT 1, SCENE 3: THE DINER Cal is setting up for the day. Dawn is meticulously filling ketchup and mustard bottles. DAWN
Listen Cal, we had ketchups out there yesterday half-empty and we all know, the fuller the condiments, the fuller the experience. I am so sorry. I’ll make sure it never happens again. CAL (with feigned jubilation)
Thank you, Dawn. I'll sleep tonight! Jenna rushes in out of breath.
You’re late. JENNA
I’m sorry. Bus driver was half asleep. CAL
Why doesn’t your damn husband buy you a car already? JENNA
Because he doesn’t want me goin’ nowhere. Now Becky, hiding behind the rolling pie rack, sneaks in hoping not to be noticed. CAL
And you! Late again! You’re inches away from being fired, lady. Becky comes out from behind the rack and takes off her sunglasses, facing off with Cal. BECKY
Okay, fire me. CAL
Okay I will! BECKY
Okay then do! UNDERSCORE: WESTERN FACEOFF They have a stand off. It’s a draw. The waitresses begin to set up for the day. BECKY
So! how was the doc?
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26
JENNA
Fine. It was fine. New doctor. A man. BECKY
A man. Wow. Is he single? Maybe he'd be good for Dawn. Dawn laughs and then snorts. It’s awkward but completely endearing. JENNA
I think he had a ring. Nice guy. Nervous. From Connecticut. BECKY
Connecticut? What the hell is he doin' here? JENNA
I have no idea. BECKY
Girl, park it for a minute. We bought you something. (Dawn goes to sit down in Jenna’s seat.) Not you. DAWN
A present. They all gather. Dawn hands Jenna a gift bag. JENNA
That's so sweet. You shouldn't have. (Jenna pulls a book out of the bag.)
"What a Mama You’re Gonna Be!" DAWN
I researched all the best baby books. This one was so sweet look here – there’s a place to write your first letter to your baby. “Dear Baby !” JENNA
That’s really great. BECKY
We know you didn't initially have a... strong happiness about this pregnancy, but she is coming anyway, so... JENNA
We don't know it's a she. It could be an alien. BECKY
You're not getting any more affectionate toward this little baby?
WAITRESS
DAWN
Not at all? JENNA
Not everyone wants to be a mother, Dawn; that doesn’t make me a bad person— CAL
Can I get the book club some coffee and a slice of Sit On Your Ass Pie? BECKY
That’s a good one, Cal. Keep’m comin! CAL
Openin’ up! They go back to their chores, Jenna setting out the morning pies. BECKY (to Jenna)
So did you tell Earl yet? JENNA It didn’t come up. (wanting to change the subject) Did you finish your profile yet Dawn? BECKY
We’re not done talkin’ about you. JENNA
I think we are. Dawn? DAWN
I’m still writin’ it. JENNA
You’ve been writin’ it for weeks. Dawn wheels her cart away from the conversation. They follow. DAWN
There’s just not enough space to complete a compelling, yet thorough, honest, description of myself. JENNA
Why don’t you run what you got by us? BECKY
Go ahead, honey. Let’s hear it.
27
WAITRESS
28
Dawn shifts nervously and takes out her dupe pad where she has written her profile. DAWN
“Ecstatically alive, enthusiastically American, dynamic and witty, I am a woman of many passions, including a rare turtle collection. Jenna and Becky shoot each other a look – oy. DAWN
I love the History Channel. JENNA
Now that’s nice. DAWN
Note: I have played Betsy Ross in 33 Revolutionary War Reenactments.” JENNA
!Okay! That’ll set you apart from the crowd – DAWN I’m calling myself (dramatically, with a flourish) “NewDawnRising.” Oh dear ! Jenna and Becky try to contain their reaction. DAWN
Too much? BECKY AND JENNA
!No! JENNA
Post it tonight! Dawn crumples up the page. DAWN
This is a mistake. BECKY
Dawn this is your one and only life! (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS
29
SONG #4: WHEN HE SEES ME DAWN
I STICK WITH REAL THINGS USUALLY FACTS AND FIGURES WHEN INFORMATION’S IN ITS PLACE I MINIMIZE THE GUESSING GAME Guess What? JENNA & BECKY
What? DAWN
I DON’T LIKE GUESSING GAMES OR WHEN I FEEL THINGS BEFORE I KNOW THE FEELINGS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPERATE IF I’M JUST TOSSED AROUND BY FATE? LIKE ON AN UNEXPECTED DATE WITH A STRANGER WHO MIGHT (Dawn fills the ketchups with mustard. Becky slides the ketchups over.) TALK TOO FAST OR ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF BEFORE I’VE DECIDED THAT HE CAN ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF HE MIGHT SIT TOO CLOSE OR CALL THE WAITER BY HIS FIRST NAME OR EAT OREOS BUT EAT THE COOKIE BEFORE THE CREAM BUT WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST ! BUT WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST ! ENSEMBLE
IS WHAT IF WHEN HE SEES ME WHAT IF HE DOESN’T LIKE IT? WHAT IF HE RUNS THE OTHER WAY AND I CAN’T HIDE FROM IT
OOH!
AH! AH! OOH!
WHAT HAPPENS THEN IF WHEN HE KNOWS ME HE’S ONLY DISAPPOINTED WHAT IF I GIVE MYSELF AWAY TO ONLY GET IT GIVEN BACK
AH! I COULDN’T LIVE WITH THAT HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THAT SO I’M JUST FINE INSIDE MY SHELL-SHAPED MIND THIS WAY I GET THE BEST VIEW SO THAT WHEN HE SEES ME I WANT HIM TO JENNA
Dawn you seem a little—I mean, just a tad—
WAITRESS DAWN
30 ENSEMBLE
I’M NOT DEFENSIVE I’M SIMPLY BEING CAUTIOUS I CAN’T RISK WRECKLESS DATING DUE TO MY MISCALCULATING WHY A CERTAIN SUITOR STANDS IN LINE I’VE SEEN IN MOVIES, MOST MADE FOR TELEVISION YOU CANNOT BE TOO CAREFUL WHEN IT COMES TO SHARING YOUR LIFE I COULD END UP A MISERABLE WIFE.
AH!. AH! AH! AH !. AH!. AH! AH !
Jenna and Becky raise their eyebrows. DAWN
OH, SORRY GIRLS. (Dawn sees a customer about to cut their pie with a knife. She grabs the knife.)
BUT HE COULD BE CRIMINAL SOME SORT OF PSYCHOPATH WHO ESCAPED FROM AN INSTITUTION SOMEWHERE WHERE THEY DON’T HAVE GIRLS HE COULD HAVE MASTERMINDED SOME WAY TO FIND ME HE COULD BE COLOR BLIND, HOW UNTRUSTWORTHY IS THAT? (Dawn lifts the pants of a customer with two different colored socks.)
HE COULD BE LESS THAN KIND, OR EVEN WORSE HE COULD BE VERY NICE HAVE LOVELY EYES AND MAKE ME LAUGH COME OUT OF HIDING WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT? OH GOD. We enter Dawn’s fantasy – an MGM musical, diner style – every male customer a potential suitor. ENSEMBLE
WHAT IF WHEN HE SEES ME I LIKE HIM AND HE KNOWS IT WHAT IF HE OPENS UP A DOOR AND I CAN’T CLOSE IT WHAT HAPPENS THEN IF WHEN HE HOLDS ME MY HEART IS SET IN MOTION I’M NOT PREPARED FOR THAT I’M SCARED OF BREAKING OPEN
WHEN HE SEES YOU WHAT IF YOU ONLY OPEN UP THEN IF WHEN HE HOLDS YOU WHAT IF YOU ONLY OPEN UP AND HOPE FOR LOVE
BUT STILL I CAN’T HELP FROM HOPING (The fantasy subsides, and Dawn returns to her quietest hopes and fears.) TO FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO WHO LIKES THE WAY I AM SOMEONE WHO WHEN HE SEES ME, WANTS TO AGAIN END SONG
WAITRESS
31
The gals gather around Dawn, who has clearly now convinced herself to post the profile. CAL
Do y’all plan to work today or do you expect folks to serve themselves? BECKY
Works for me. Becky seats herself at a table, Dawn busses it. Joe arrives and swats them away from his table. JOE
I don't think I invited anyone to breakfast. Shoo! Shoo! CAL
Becky, Old Joe’s in your section. Kinda owns the place – BECKY
I can’t deal with him today. JENNA
Drop two menus at table 3, I got him. BECKY
You’re a trooper. JENNA (heading to Joe’s table)
Hiya Joe. JOE
It's warm in here. I'm warm. Turn the air on. JENNA
I’ll tell Cal, hon. JOE
They keep all my businesses too warm. My gas station. My supermarket. My laundromat. My diner. I will not tolerate it being too damn warm. JENNA
I hear you Joe. JOE
Okay listen up. I want the special “Betrayed By My- Betrayed By My Eggs Pie.” (Jenna won’t meet his eyes.) Tomata on the side, on its own plate. JENNA
That everything?
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32
JOE
No, I also want orange juice. But don’t bring that first. Bring the water first. Bring the O.J. with the meal. Listen to my horoscope before you skedoodle away. (He opens his paper and reads before she can make a getaway) "Aquarius. Smooth sailing today as Mars enters your inner circle." Whatever the hell that means. "The ones you love will listen carefully to you today, just make sure you're careful with what you say." I don’t have ones I love. You want to hear yours? JENNA
I’m Aquarius too, hon. And I don’t have ones I love either. Just ones I live with. Jenna is fighting off a potent wave of nausea. He looks at her intently. JOE
You got something in the oven other than a pie? JENNA
What? JOE
You got a bun in the oven? JENNA
Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet. JOE I’ve seen that look on a woman before. (Wistfully) Her name was Annette. I made sweet love
to her all through the summer of 1948. She got that same sick look on her face, like you had, all through the fall. Almost married her right up. She lost the baby, though. Close call. (Very loud) When you due? JENNA
Hey! Joe, I don’t want Cal to hear you! Joe points to the paper. JOE
Look here, the National Pie Bake Off is in Springfield this year. Last year’s winner, Eunice Kevesdy, spent her prize money on an RV with a convection oven. You should enter. JENNA
Oh come on Joe. My pies are good but I’m no Sara Lee. She turns to leave. JOE
Prize money’s $20,000. She turns back— he tears off that page and hands it to her.
WAITRESS
33
CUE: PIE MUSIC In this transition the ensemble lifts Jenna as if she is leaping/ flying towards the bus stop. JENNA
“Jumping Without A Net Bottomless Pie.”
WAITRESS
34
ACT 1, SCENE 4: THE BUS STOP Now the ensemble surrounds Jenna, supporting her vision, a moment of standing on the bus stop bench winning a first prize ribbon for her pie. JENNA
Pillows of the softest meringue, topped with ribbons of strawberry cream. No crust. (She smiles for a photo, receiving a giant check.)
“Getting Out Of The Mud Mud Pie” – generous scoops of mocha almond ice cream ! Jenna sits on the bench, still lost in her reverie. Dr. Pomatter walks up to the bus stop. DOCTOR POMATTER
Um... hello. JENNA
Sprinkled with bittersweet chocolate morsels ! DOCTOR POMATTER
Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA
And slivered almonds! DOCTOR POMATTER
Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA
Doctor Pomatter! Hi. What are you doin' here? DOCTOR POMATTER
Car wouldn't start this morning. Took the bus. I forgot how much I love buses. You always take the bus? JENNA
Tuesday nights – my husband goes out drinking with the boys. DOCTOR POMATTER
That’s nice. For him. That you let him – JENNA
Yeah. I love Tuesdays. (Awkward pause.)
Where do you live? DOCTOR POMATTER
Stanton Grove.
WAITRESS
35
JENNA
Oh, wow! it's nice over there. DOCTOR POMATTER
Sure, if you like trees. Which, you know, who doesn’t like trees? You mind if I sit down? JENNA
Not at all. Dr. Pomatter sits on the bench. DOCTOR POMATTER
So, you're a waitress? JENNA
I’m a waitress. DOCTOR POMATTER
Where do you work? JENNA
Little place off Highway 27. Joe's Pie Diner. We serve 27 different varieties of pie. DOCTOR POMATTER
Wow. Must be a virtual pie factory. JENNA
I make all the pies fresh every morning. Breakfast pies, lunch pies, and a special new pie that I invent every day. DOCTOR POMATTER
Did you make that marshmallow pie you gave me? JENNA
Yes, I did. Mermaid Marshmallow Pie. I invented it with my mom when I was 9 years old. In my mermaid phase. DOCTOR POMATTER
Well that was probably the best pie I've ever tasted in my life. JENNA
You tried it? I won’t tell your doctor. DOCTOR POMATTER
No, seriously! it was biblically good, that’s how good it was. That pie could win contests and ribbons and things.
WAITRESS
36
JENNA
Wow, what a thing to say. DOCTOR POMATTER
I am so sorry that was a compliment. JENNA
I know. That's why it made me uncomfortable. DOCTOR POMATTER
You're blushing. I shouldn't have said that. You know, it’s kinda funny ! INTRO: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE DOCTOR POMATTER (CONT’D)
Seeing you, sitting here in your uniform ! (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS
SONG #5: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE DOCTOR POMATTER
YOU REMIND ME OF A GIRL I ONCE KNEW GOD BY NOW, SHE’S WELL IN MIDDLE AGE, PROBABLY 41 OR 42 JENNA
Thank you? DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh, god. No. Sorry, I only meant SHE WAS A WAITRESS AT A SHOP I USED TO FREQUENT QUITE A LOT NICE TEETH, AND SMALL HANDS, AND SNUCK ME GOODIES I COULDN’T AFFORD THEN SHE WAS SWEET TO ME REMINDS ME OF YOU JENNA
Nobody really ever notices me that way ! DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, somebody did! I mean, right? You’ve got the whole baby thing goin’ on. SHE’D BAKE THE PIES FRESH EVERY DAY, LIKE YOU I GUESS BUT I MUST SAY IF PIES WERE BOOKS YOURS WOULD BE SHAKESPEARE’S LETTERS YOU REMIND ME OF HER, BUT BETTER IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN IT’S SOMETHING SPECIAL IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD SOMETIMES ONE BITE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THE THING YOU JUST GOT A TASTE OF JENNA
THAT REMINDS ME OF A THING WE WOULD SAY ME AND MY MAMA IN THE KITCHEN WHEN WE’D BAKE SHE’D SAY, “JENNA, YOU CAN TELL THE WHOLE STORY, WITH A TASTE” DOCTOR POMATTER
YEAH THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN! I SWEAR THAT AS THE FLAVORS MIXED AND MELTED I COULD HEAR THOSE SIRENS SING IT WAS TRULY SOMETHING SPECIAL ONE TASTE AND I WANT THE WHOLE THING
37
WAITRESS
DOCTOR POMATTER (CONT’D)
I MUST SAY IT FELT LIKE I GOT CARRIED AWAY INTOXICATED, MADE ME ESCAPE THE ROOM I WAS IN, I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER HOW YOUR HANDS MUST HAVE FELT CREATING SUCH A MASTERFUL THING JENNA
JUST ONE BITE CAUSED ALL THAT WONDERING? DOCTOR POMATTER
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER
IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S GOOD SOMETIMES ONE BITE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THE THING YOU JUST GOT A TASTE OF. END SONG We hear her bus approaching, and see its lights. JENNA
Oh, look. There’s my bus. (Jenna and Doctor Pomatter stand up.)
Nice talking to you, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER Call me anytime, Jenna, I'm here. (Catching himself) For all your questions and concerns. JENNA
Good to know, Doctor Pomatter. The bus stop disappears and is replaced by a couch, as the rest of Jenna’s small, humble living room materializes around her.
38
WAITRESS
39
ACT 1, SCENE 5: EARL AND JENNA’S HOUSE Jenna sits on the couch, lost in thought, savoring the encounter. Earl enters with a 6 pack and intentionally drops his toolbox, startling her. JENNA
Earl – It’s Tuesday night – Whattaya doing home so early? EARL
Well thanks to my asshole foreman looks like I’m gonna be home a lot. Dude says I’m late one too many times and fires me! I said you can take this toolbox and shove it up your ass! I don’t even want this goddamn job. Called me arrogant! Me?... Arrogant? Loser’s been waitin’ to stick it to me since high school. JENNA
Earl I’m sorry— EARL
Don’t you feel sorry for me! I’m fine! I am fine! I’m celebratin! (Earl downs a beer in one long swig.)
So. Looks like you’re gonna be payin’ the bills around here. How’d we do today? (Earl holds out his hand. She reaches into her apron and hands him her tips.)
You’re shittin’ me. That can’t be all you earned. JENNA
It was a slow day . EARL
Well maybe you gotta move a little faster ! Where’s my kiss? (Jenna kisses his cheek. He pulls her close.)
Kiss me like you mean it. JENNA
I’m sorry Earl I’m not feelin’ so good – EARL
You feel alright to me. Come on baby take my bad day away. Jenna subtly eases away. Rejected, he shuts down. JENNA
Let me get you somethin’ to eat. I’ve got some leftovers from work – chicken potpie – She pulls some tinfoil leftovers out of her purse. Earl is sitting on a powder keg of anger. EARL
You think I don’t see what you’re doin? You think I’m stupid?
WAITRESS
40
JENNA
No – EARL
No? JENNA
No Earl I was just thinkin’ you had a hard day maybe some warm pie would— EARL
I’m not fuckin’ hungry! Snapping, he throws the tinfoil leftovers. JENNA
Earl calm down. EARL
Calm down? (grabbing Jenna’s arm) I’ll show you calm. He strong-arms her, she gets away, he follows in a blind rage about to hit her. JENNA
Earl, I’m pregnant! Earl reels in stunned silence. EARL
What?... When the hell were you gonna tell me? JENNA
I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure. I was just waiting for the right time. EARL
Well you have great timing! JENNA
Sorry, Earl. Sorry. Earl reaches for her tenderly. She flinches. For him, the outburst is over, but Jenna remains shaken. EARL
No wonder you’ve been looking so tired all the time – come here, sit down babe - you lil’ butterball... Well how do you like that- I’m having a baby! Little Earl Junior. The legend lives on! (He toasts himself.) ...Wait a minute. What if you start to love the baby more than you love me? Women do it all the time. They have a baby and then to hell with the man.
WAITRESS
41
JENNA
You’re jealous of the baby? EARL
No. I don’t get jealous. That’s below me. I'm just talkin’ it out. Talkin’ my feelings out. Maybe I just need you to make me a promise you won’t love that baby more than me. JENNA (barely audible)
Okay! EARL
Say I promise. JENNA
I said okay – EARL
Baby I need this from you. It’s you and me first, right? The way it’s always been – (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS SONG #6: YOU WILL STILL BE MINE EARL
REMEMBER MY CLEAN SHAVE BACK IN OUR OLD DAYS, WHEN WE WERE JUST KIDS (Earl picks up his guitar.)
I HAD MY SIX-STRING, AND YOU HAD YOUR OWN THING, THOUGH I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS I WROTE YOU LOVE SONGS, AND YOU LIKE THAT SAD ONE SO I PLAYED IT ALL THE TIME WHAT WAS THAT ONE LINE? SOMETHING ABOUT SUNSHINE? I SANG IT EVERY NIGHT (Earl begins to play the song he wrote her years ago.)
WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE (pretending to search for the lyric, but knowing full well what it is)
That can’t be it ! WHEN THE SUN WON’T SHINE What was it baby? JENNA
TILL THE SUN DON’T SHINE YOU WILL STILL BE MINE EARL (pointedly)
That’s right. MAN WHAT A WHIRLWIND, SO MUCH IS HAPPENING, AND MOSTLY TO ME WE’VE COME SUCH A LONG WAY NO TURNING BACK NOW, BABE YOU’RE MY FAMILY Now promise me. TILL THE END OF TIME, THESE ARE TIES THAT BIND Sing it honey! JENNA
TILL THE SUN DON’T SHINE EARL AND JENNA
YOU WILL STILL BE MINE END SONG Earl lifts Jenna up possessively and carries her into their bedroom.
42
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43
ACT 1, SCENE 6: THE PANTRY The lunch rush is over. Jenna, still rattled from last night, is intently counting her tips. Becky is checking out her reflection in a stainless steel bowl. BECKY
Is it my imagination or is my left boob drooping down even lower today? I’m starting to feel like something Picasso woulda made! (re: Jenna’s tips) How’d you do? JENNA
Between Mr. Frugalman on table 5 and “Hey I’ll Get You Next Time” on table 7 not great. Thinkin’ of pickin’ up a couple extra shifts. BECKY
You crazy? You work hard enough already. (Becky finds the baby book tucked into the spice rack.)
What’s this doin’ next to the cinnamon? JENNA (covering, busted)
Oh yeah!I was looking for it ! BECKY
You can’t write your baby a letter from the spice rack. JENNA
I’m not much of a letter writer. Becky studies her friend. BECKY
You OK? Dawn enters, sighing anxiously. DAWN
I’m having a small anxiety attack ! I got a message on my profile. JENNA
Girl you’ve been sittin’ on this news all day? DAWN
He calls himself OKCWithABullet. 32, has all his hair, kind smile, loves poetry, Pavarotti, and puzzles. JENNA
He sounds perfect!
WAITRESS
44
BECKY
Look at you! They’re already lining up! Take a number! DAWN
Yeah!oh dear, it’s happening, really happening. I made a 5-minute date with him tonight! JENNA AND BECKY
5 minutes? JENNA
Can’t the guy pay for the whole thing? DAWN
This way if it’s a disaster I can get back in time for “History’s Mysteries.” BECKY
Dawn, you are such a natural beauty. But because it’s such a special occasion, would you let me put just a tad of makeup on you and perhaps, pull that pony down – just for one night? DAWN
Well, it is important to make a good first impression. Jenna, may I ask you to make me your Meet Your Dream Chocolate Cream Pie to take to him? JENNA
I’ll make it really special, like my mama used to. Somethin’ where you wouldn’t think the ingredients would all go together, but they do. DAWN
What’s going to be in it? JENNA
I’m going to switch the chocolate from bittersweet to creamy milk, and add a touch of passion fruit. DAWN (gulping)
OH MY GOD! JENNA
And then I’m gonna mix in somethin’ that will make the impossible possible. Some exotic spice that will make you see clearly before it’s too late – somethin’ – BECKY
What is goin’ on with you girl? ! Becky stares her down.
WAITRESS
45
JENNA (taking a deep breath)
You know that pie contest that’s comin’ to Springfield? BECKY
Yeah. JENNA
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna figure out a way to save some money to go there and enter it. BECKY
Now that’s the first thing you’ve said that’s made any sense in a very long time. JENNA
And if a miracle happens and I win it - I’m gonna take that prize money ! and! Becky watches compassionately as Jenna can barely get the words out. BECKY
You’re gonna leave Earl. Jenna nods. Hardly able to believe she’s admitting it. JENNA
Yeah and just run away from here. DAWN
Wow! BECKY
Honey you can leave Earl without running away from here. JENNA
It’s not that easy. BECKY
Alright, go get yourself a little pie shop somewhere. Somewhere people could really use a little pie shop. Like Europe. Or New Jersey. DAWN
“Jenna’s Pie Palace” BECKY
“Jenna’s Pastry Heaven” DAWN
“Jenna’s Pie in the Sky” (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS
SONG #7: A SOFT PLACE TO LAND JENNA
SUGAR (Jenna begins to create the pie and the girls surround her, helping.)
SUGAR, BUTTER, FLOUR SOMETIMES I STILL SEE HER MY MOTHER THE DREAMER SHE’D SAY NOTHING’S IMPOSSIBLE CHILD ! JENNA/BECKY/DAWN
A DREAM NEEDS BELIEVING TO TASTE LIKE THE REAL THING LIKE SOME STRANGER YOU RECOGNIZE SO PURE SO ELECTRIC SO SURE SO CONNECTED TO THOSE LITTLE BELIEVERS INSIDE MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY BUT DREAMS ARE ELUSIVE THE KIND WE’VE GOTTEN USED TO IS JENNA
NOTHING I CAN FEEL DAWN
NOTHING I CAN HOLD BECKY
NOTHING I CAN HAVE JENNA
NOTHING THAT I KNOW JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
DREAMS COME AND THEY GO JENNA
BUT HOLD THEM AND KEEP THEM BECKY/DAWN
BUT HOLD THEM AND KEEP THEM JENNA
AND KNOW THAT YOU NEED THEM BECKY/DAWN
AND KNOW THAT YOU NEED THEM
46
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47
JENNA
WHEN YOUR BREAKING POINT’S ALL THAT JENNA/BECKY/DAWN
YOU HAVE A DREAM IS A SOFT PLACE TO LAND MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY ! (Continue to scene on next page ! )
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48
Jenna hands Dawn the finished pie. Becky holds out her compact and shows Dawn her reflection in the mirror. DAWN
Oh, look what you did. You made me almost pretty. JENNA
Almost pretty? You’re beautiful. Cal comes into the pantry and takes in the scene. CAL
What the hell you put in that pie? I’m leaving before I die from Estrogen Asphyxiation! Don’t forget to turn out the lights! He puts on his motorcycle helmet, lowers the shield pointedly, and exits. Now Becky puts on lipstick. JENNA
Who are you puttin’ on lipstick for? You dollin’ up for the diaper change? BECKY
Maybe I got a little secret. Maybe I’m doin’ a little dreamin’ too. DAWN
What?! BECKY
Can’t tell you yet. JENNA
Why not? BECKY
Bye bye, Dawn – don’t do anything I haven’t done. Get yourself a five-minute condom. DAWN
Becky! BECKY
Adios, ladies. Dawn now turns to Jenna. DAWN
You are the queen of kindness and goodness. Dawn goes. Jenna, alone, makes a quiet wish.
WAITRESS JENNA
MAY WE ALL BE SO LUCKY END SONG UNDERSCORE: MONEY HIDING Jenna counts her tips and hides part of them behind her back. Now, the couch rolls in with Earl sitting on it. He stands up, holds out his hand, she gives him some cash and he exits. Jenna quickly stashes the rest in the couch cushion and sits down. The ensemble emerges from behind the couch and holds up two more cushions, encouraging her to stash more. She does. Earl returns and lies in her lap. The couch rolls off, Jenna’s secret in tact.
49
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50
ACT 1, SCENE 7: THE DINER The next morning, Dawn enters with her cart, sees OGIE, a charming, irresistible nerd, sitting at a table, and beelines towards the counter. Becky clocks this and approaches Ogie’s table. BECKY
Hey handsome, what’ll it be? OGIE
Oh no. No no no. I don't want you as my waitress. I want her. That lady right there. Becky turns and looks in the direction he's pointing. Dawn, watching, shakes her head "no" and pretends to be on the phone. BECKY
I'm sorry, hon. You're sitting in my station. OGIE
But I don't want you. I want her. BECKY
I do like a man who knows what he wants. OGIE
She a good friend of yours? What can you tell me about her? What are her likes and dislikes? Does she have any food allergies or pollen sensitivities? Cal takes the phone from Dawn, who ducks below the counter. BECKY
'Scuse me, darlin’. I'm gonna go talk to Dawn for a minute and see if she won't tell you herself. OGIE
That would be wonderful. BECKY
I thought you’d like that. Becky goes to get Dawn who’s now hidden behind the wall of menus she built.
Dawn! There’s a man at table 5 on a mission with your name on it – DAWN
His name is Ogie. Short for Oklahoma. He’s OKCwithaBullet! He’s an amateur magician, does competitive clog dancing, and only eats white food on Wednesdays! He said we were soul mates! I made the mistake of telling him I work here.
WAITRESS
51
JENNA
I don’t know Dawn, it sounds like he’s got potential. DAWN
He took me through the entire medical and psychiatric history of his whole family. BECKY
He’s layin it all on the table – DAWN
I just wanted a quiet first date. Stimulating conversation. First man who ever shows any interest in me and he turns out to be a mad, stalking elf! I'm telling you, Jenna, your magic love pie was too good! I never should have brought it with me. JENNA
I don’t think it was the pie, Dawn. I think it was you. DAWN
Come with me. JENNA
I would but I gotta go pee. Jenna runs to the bathroom. CAL
Is anyone taking the elf’s order?! BECKY
Shut up, Cal! That happens to be OKCwithaBullet! Cue DawnRising! (Dawn won’t move. Becky opens Dawn’s collar, whispering.)
Open it. Dawn swats Becky away and finally, awkwardly heads towards Ogie’s table, but thinks better of it and turns around, then rallies herself and heads back. DAWN
Hello good morning hello I told you I didn’t want to see you again may I take your order? OGIE
I’ll have an egg white omelet, with cottage cheese and a side of mayonnaise. I'm a very persistent man, Dawn. I know what I want. DAWN
What kind of toast with that? White or wheat? Why am I even asking? It’s Wednesday!
WAITRESS
52
OGIE
See? We already know each other so intimately! DAWN
You don’t know me. OGIE
Oh I do. You are NewDawnRising. Easily misunderstood. But I see your true beauty. Normally I wouldn’t do this – actually I’ve never done this. (He reveals a bouquet of flowers.) But that five minutes felt like a whole fifteen and I am certain we are meant to be together. DAWN
I don’t even know you! OGIE
I’m a tax auditor. I drive a very nice subcompact Toyota Yaris and I love my mother. What else do you need to know about me? DAWN
Your dessert order. OGIE (Checking the specials board.)
I’ll have a slice of the White Knuckle Cream Pie – DAWN
With or without whipped cream? OGIE
You choose. I trust you implicitly. But if you choose whipped cream I would love it on the side, not touching the pie. DAWN
I hate it when it touches the pie— OGIE
Soggies the crust— DAWN
And you can’t control the whipped cream— DAWN & OGIE
to pie ratio to create— OGIE
the perfect bite. Dawn laughs and snorts. She immediately represses it.
WAITRESS
53
OGIE (CONT’D)
That laugh. That intoxicating laugh. Dawn, you inspire poetry in me. Here’s one I’m making up right here on the spot: “All my life I’ve loved turtles. And you Dawn are the queen. Da Da Da, Da Da Da !somethin’ in between.” Gotta work on that ending. (Holding out the flowers.) But you like that one, yeah? DAWN
Please just take your mixed bouquet and leave! Just leave! OGIE
Dawn(Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #8: NEVER GETTING RID OF ME OGIE
I WILL NEVER LET YOU LET ME LEAVE I PROMISE I’M NOT LYING GO AHEAD ASK ANYBODY WHO HAS SEEN ME TRYING I’M NOT GOING IF IT SEEMS LIKE I DID I’M PROBABLY WAITING OUTSIDE SUCH A STUBBORN MAN YOU’LL LIKELY NEVER MEET ANOTHER WHEN WE HAVE OUR FAMILY DINNER YOU CAN ASK MY MOTHER SHE’S THE BEST YOU’LL LEARN MORE ABOUT HER ON OUR FAMILY HISTORY TEST I’M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT SHOW YOU I’M NOT MOVING WHEREVER YOU GO I WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW OH – GONNA LOVE YOU SO YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I ALREADY KNOW I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME OGIE
YOU CAN TRY, OH BUT I -LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME DAWN
Ready for your check? OGIE
Not yet! Pie for everybody! Ogie begins to clog dance. OGIE
I GREW UP AN ONLY CHILD IN A SUBURB OF THE CITY SPENT MY DAYS ALONE MY ONLY FRIEND WAS A STRAY KITTY CALLED SARDINE I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS TO CALL A CAT A KIND OF FISH SHE PLAYED HARD TO GET HISSING WHILE SHE SCRATCHED ME WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS OGIE, COME AND CATCH ME I LEARNED QUICKLY PERSEVERANCE STOOD BETWEEN A CAT AND HER NEW BEST FRIEND ME!
CHORUS
SARDINE (ECHO) AH!
YEAH
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OGIE (CONT’D)
CHORUS (CONT’D)
OH, I’M GONNA DO THIS RIGHT SHOW YOU I’M NOT MOVING WHEREVER YOU GO I WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW OH, GONNA LOVE YOU SO YOU’LL LEARN WHAT I ALREADY KNOW
OH !RIGHT! HE’S NOT MOVING WHEREVER YOU GO HE WON’T BE FAR TO FOLLOW OH!
OGIE AND CHORUS
I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME DAWN
When you say never ! OGIE
Shh! Ogie gathers the customers into a chorus. OGIE AND CHORUS
YOU CAN TRY, OH BUT I – CAL
I LOVE YOU MEANS BLAH BLAH BLAH YIPPITY YAP YAP Now get back to work! OGIE AND CHORUS ( à la Pavarotti)
OH, YOU CAN TRY OH BUT IOGIE
I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME! The song ends. But Ogie doesn’t. OGIE AND CHORUS
YOU CAN TRY OH BUT I OGIE
LOVE YOU MEANS YOU’RE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME Ogie tosses the bouquet to Dawn who catches it. END SONG
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Ogie takes out his inhaler and takes two puffs. OGIE
So I’ll pick you up Sunday at 7? DAWN (despite herself)
Maybe? OGIE
Maybe! Maybe! There’s a reading at Rainard Park of the Federalist Papers. Dawn looks at him stunned, amazed. DAWN
How do you know about that? OGIE
I played Paul Revere in 42 Revolutionary War re-enactments. (Dawn drops the bouquet in shock.)
Well actually, 40 times technically I was the standby Revere, but 2 times Paul was out – so I did actually play it, although one of those times I got injured halfway through, I had a bayonet issue – fell off my horse and had to have my spleen removed. Dawn silences him. Then – dramatically – seductively – DAWN
“One if by land, two if by sea !” OGIE
“!and I on the opposite shore will be!” Ogie and Dawn lock eyes. It’s overpowering. He walks into the table. UNDERSCORE: REVOLUTIONARY WAR FLOURISH Ogie marches away dramatically then pivots emphatically, losing his balance. He rights himself and exits. Becky and Jenna are thrilled for them. BECKY
The elf and the turtle ! an epic romance. CUE: PIE MUSIC
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JENNA
“Almost Makes You Believe Again Pie.” Reach for an ingredient long forgotten in the back of your cupboard – like poppy seeds. (The ensemble hands her a poppy flower.) Somethin’ you bought but forgot you had. Throw in gingersnaps (the ensemble snaps) and tapioca (the ensemble sprinkles sugar and Jenna tap dances) ‘til they combine unexpectedly. Mix it with all your questions and concerns. (They spin Jenna, handing her a phone. The reverie ends – she begins a conversation.)
Yes, hello. Is Doctor Pomatter there? Jenna Hunterson. I’m his patient... Hi, Doctor Pomatter. Listen, I'm sure it's nothing, but you said to call if I ever had any questions or concerns. Well, this morning, I'm bleeding a little bit... No. No, it's very very light. Come in to see you? Tomorrow morning? You’re open at 7:00? Really? Well, OK then— Mid-sentence, Cal takes the phone from Jenna and barks into it. CAL
Excuse me, but I have to take a short stack of perfectly round, meticulously made, once warm, blueberry buttermilk pancakes to table 6 – (He hands Jenna the pancakes and points to a table.)
‘Cause even though I’m pregnant I’m workin! Those are my concerns any questions? Bye bye! Jenna turns back, realizing he knows she’s pregnant. She heads to her table chagrined. CUE: IT ONLY TAKES A TASTE TRANSITION
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ACT 1, SCENE 8: DR. POMATTER’S EXAM ROOM Jenna enters. JENNA
Hello? DOCTOR POMATTER
Hi. JENNA
Where is everybody? DOCTOR POMATTER
No one’s here yet. I came in a little early to see you. JENNA
Oh. Ok. (Long awkward pause. She pulls a bag of pocket pies out of her purse.)
Well, I brought you some Believe Again Poppy Seed Pocket Pies. DOCTOR POMATTER
Gosh. Thank you! (He marvels at the pies. She looks away shyly.)
So, when we spoke on the phone, you said the bleeding was very mild? JENNA
Yes. DOCTOR POMATTER
And has it stopped? JENNA
Yeah. I only saw it the one time. DOCTOR POMATTER
Good. Then you’re fine. (He takes a bite of a Poppy Seed Pocket Pie.)
Oh my god! JENNA
Well, aren’t you going to examine me? DOCTOR POMATTER
Oh, no need. These are unbelievably delicious! Delicious is not even a good enough word for what they are. What you do with food is unearthly.
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JENNA
Thank you. Then am I okay? Nothing’s wrong with me? DOCTOR POMATTER
No. Nothing's wrong with you. Light spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy. (He takes another bite.) Holy shit. There's an uncomfortable beat. JENNA
Well, is that everything you have to say? DOCTOR POMATTER
Uh no!. JENNA
Well, what? DOCTOR POMATTER (attempting professionalism)
I! Nothing. You can go now. I'll see you at your next regularly scheduled appointment. Don't hesitate to call if you have any— JENNA
Questions or concerns. DOCTOR POMATTER
Any and all. JENNA
Why'd you have me come all the way here if spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy? I had to get up early, take a bus, walk 5 blocks – just to hear that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom? DOCTOR POMATTER
I have no response to that. JENNA
And what time does this office normally open, doctor? 8:30? DOCTOR POMATTER
9 o’clock. JENNA
9 o’clock. Hmm. You came here 2 hours early to tell me that spotting is a perfectly normal symptom in early pregnancy.
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DOCTOR POMATTER
Well, it seems that way. Yes. JENNA (heading to the door)
Goodbye, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER
Goodbye, Jenna. JENNA (returning to him)
You know what, I think you're strange. I'm not sure I want you to be my doctor anymore. You make me uncomfortable. DOCTOR POMATTER
I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm really sorry. I won't do it anymore. Whatever it is I do. You shouldn't be uncomfortable during this time. JENNA
You're doing it again. DOCTOR POMATTER
How? What'd I do? JENNA
I don't know, you know, that nice guy talky thing you do. You just !aww, forget it. Jenna leaves in a huff. She re-enters the room. Doctor Pomatter holds out her purse. DOCTOR POMATTER
You forgot your — Jenna kisses Doctor Pomatter impulsively. He returns the kiss with full-out passion. Stunned by her own behavior, she grabs her purse and heads to the door. JENNA
Oh shit. Doctor Pomatter stops her at the door. DOCTOR POMATTER
Whoa whoa whoa wait! Jenna can’t look at him. They stand for a moment, awkwardly. JENNA
What do you want?
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DOCTOR POMATTER
I want to see you again. Talk to you. Somewhere outside of here. Can we have coffee together or something? JENNA
I can't have coffee. It's on the Bad Food List you gave me. What kind of doctor are you? (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #9: BAD IDEA JENNA
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU DOCTOR POMATTER
I know, I totally agree. BOTH
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU DOCTOR POMATTER
I’VE NEVER KNOWN ANYTHING SO TRUE BOTH
IT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA ME AND YOU JENNA
YOU HAVE A WIFE DOCTOR POMATTER
YOU HAVE A HUSBAND JENNA
YOU’RE MY DOCTOR! DOCTOR POMATTER
YOU’VE GOT A BABY COMING BOTH
IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU LET’S JUST KEEP KISSING TILL WE COME TO HEART STOP RACING, LET’S FACE IT MAKING MISTAKES LIKE THIS WILL MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS ALREADY PRETTY BAD MIND STOP RUNNING IT’S TIME WE JUST LET THIS THING GO IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA WASN’T IT THOUGH IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU IT’S A BAD IDEA ME AND YOU HOLD ME CLOSE WHILE I THINK THIS THROUGH (Break)
YEAH IT’S A VERY POOR IDEA ME AND YOU
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BOTH
CHORUS
HEART STOP RACING, LET’S FACE IT MAKING MISTAKES LIKE THIS WILL MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS ALREADY PRETTY BAD MIND STOP RUNNING ,IT’S TIME WE JUST LET THIS THING GO IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA WASN’T IT THOUGH JENNA
DR. POMATTER
I KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT FOR ME IT’S THE ONLY THING I’VE NEVER DONE
I KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT FOR ME IT’S THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER DONE
AH!
CHORUS
DAH !..
JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER
WHAT IF I NEVER SEE MYSELF EVER BE ANYTHING MORE THAN WHAT I’VE ALREADY BECOME JENNA
CHORUS
I NEED A BAD IDEA I NEED A BAD IDEA
DAH DAH DAH DAH!(cont’d)
BOTH
CHORUS
I NEED A BAD IDEA I NEED A BAD IDEA JUST ONE
DAH DAH DAH DAH! (cont’d)
The band glides on with the ensemble, clapping in rhythmic encouragement. JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER
CHORUS
HEART KEEP RACING, LET’S MAKE MISTAKES AH! LET US SAY SO WHAT AND MAKE WORSE WHAT WAS ALREADY PRETTY BAD THIS SECRET IS SAFE, NO REASON TO THROW IT AWAY WHEN THERE’S LOVE TO BE HAD HOLD ME TIGHT AS I TELL MYSELF AH! THAT YOU MIGHT MAKE SENSE AND MAKE GOOD WHAT HAS BEEN JUST SO BAD LET’S SEE THIS THROUGH IT’S A PRETTY GOOD BAD IDEA DOCTOR POMATTER
ME AND YOU JENNA
ME AND YOU. They fall back on the exam table in a passionate embrace. END OF ACT ONE
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ACT 2, SCENE 1: THE PANTRY CUE: PIE MUSIC Early morning, we find Jenna, lost in her pie reverie, at her pantry table. JENNA
“I Wanna Play Doctor With My Gynecologist Pie.” (The hands of the ensemble appear in blue doctor’s gloves from behind the pantry shelves. They hand her ingredients.)
Vanilla custard. Drizzled with warm melted caramel. Nuts. Totally nuts. Top with honey kissed whipped cream and banana. (They hand her a banana.)
Hold the banana. (The ensemble presents an alarm clock. It rings. She silences it.)
Wake the hell up. “I Can’t Have An Affair Because It’s Wrong and I Don’t Want Earl to Kill Me Pie.” Add cold water to chocolate stirrups (catching herself) I mean syrup. Pour into a truly flakey crust. Don’t over bake, could explode at any minute ! (The pantry disappears as she heads into the diner with a tray of pies, only to see Becky and Cal kissing passionately in the counter window.)
Oh my god! I didn’t see anything. I just need to find some place to throw up. Jenna drops the tray of pies. Becky comes out. Cal disappears into the kitchen. BECKY
Jenna, it just happened. JENNA
Cal?... Cal? BECKY
He’s got such nice strong hands... I wasn’t lookin’ for it, it was an accident. JENNA
An affair is not an accident, dropping a tray is an accident. Cal didn’t just trip into your va-jay-jay! Cal enters sheepishly with a pie rack. He’s about to speak, searches for words, thinks better of it, and leaves, attempting to maintain a shred of dignity. BECKY
Hey c’mon I’m just having me a little adventure after years and years of lots of nothin’. It was gettin’ so quiet down there you could hear an echo. JENNA
What about your husband?
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BECKY
My husband wears pampers, curses constantly, and sleeps in a separate room. JENNA
Then why don't you just leave him Becky? BECKY
Because I love him! I wouldn’t leave him just because I have to change his diaper three times a day. What kind of person would do that? JENNA
What kinda person has an affair with Cal, who's married to Ethel? BECKY
Cal thinks she's gay. They haven’t slept together in 15 years. JENNA
Most married couples haven’t slept together in 15 years. But we know Ethel. She's not – well, she could be – but if he thinks she’s gay, why don’t they divorce? BECKY
Because he loves her! What kind of man would leave his wife just because she’s gay? JENNA
Well she— BECKY
Hey hey hey you're supposed to be my friend, not Ethel's! And I didn’t say nothin’ about your mornin’ visit to the doc when you came back with your dress on inside out ‘cause you were too busy puttin’ the pap back in smear. JENNA
That was one time and I was not in my right mind. I put the lid on it. BECKY
Of course you did. JENNA
What’s that supposed to mean. BECKY
Just go in your pantry Jenna – bake another Bury The Bullshit Pie. JENNA
You got me all figured out don’t you. You got everything all figured out. The world according to Becky— (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #10: I DIDN’T PLAN IT BECKY
GO AHEAD AND THROW YOUR ROCKS AT ME FROM YOUR LITTLE GLASS HOUSE AND THEN TAKE OFF RUNNING YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN ME WE’VE BOTH MADE MISTAKES HAVEN’T WE? I WON’T UNDO WHAT I’M DOING TO SIT IN JUDGMENT OF WHAT MAKES US HUMAN I DON’T CLAIM TO BE PROUD BUT MY HEAD WON’T BE HUNG IN SHAME I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT THE LIGHT TURNED RED AND I RAN IT AND I’M STILL STANDING IT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED BUT NOW THAT IT’S RIGHT HERE I UNDERSTAND IT A STORY WRITTEN BY MY OWN HAND IT’S LIFE BITING RIGHT AT YOUR HEELS I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT IT’S FINALLY SOMETHING TO FEEL JENNA
I can’t go there. BECKY
Honey we’re already there. LOOK AROUND YOU AIN’T NO SAINTS HERE BABY WE’RE ALL JUST LOOKING FOR A LITTLE LESS CRAZY AND SOMETIMES IT’S A HARD LEFT TURN DOWN A ROAD YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D SEE I DIDN’T PLAN IT TAKING BACK WHAT’S BEEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED AND I CAN’T STAND IT I’M SICK OF THE WAY I’VE BEEN WAITING TO BREAK FREE I NEEDED SAVING AND A GOOD MISTAKE NEEDED MAKING MAYBE YOU NEED THE SAME THING SOMETHING TO FEEL TO RACE THROUGH YOUR BLOOD AND REMIND YOU YOU’RE HERE TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND AND SEE THE SKY WHEN YOU’RE UNDERGROUND I DIDN’T PLAN IT BUT THAT’S LIFE AND I’M FINALLY FEELING ALIVE
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BECKY (CONT’D)
IT’S NOT RIGHT BUT IT’S MINE AND IT’S FINALLY SOMETHING TO FEEL END SONG Becky exits. The ensemble swirls around Jenna with pie choices – she debates, then chooses a berry pie. She heads to the Doctor’s Office, which materializes around her.
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ACT 2, SCENE 2: DOCTOR POMATTER’S OFFICE Jenna sits on the exam table. Doctor Pomatter enters. He attempts to be professional. DOCTOR POMATTER
Hello, Mrs. Hunterson. JENNA
Hello, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER
How have you been feeling? JENNA
Fine. NURSE NORMA
Oh how nice, you brought a pie – What kind? JENNA
“A Little Wild, Wild Berry Pie” NURSE NORMA
Thank you, how thoughtful. Nurse Norma takes the pie and prepares to take Jenna’s blood. DOCTOR POMATTER
Nurse Norma, I’ll take Mrs. Hunterson’s blood, I need you to ! re-weigh Mrs. Morrissey. NURSE NORMA
But— DOCTOR POMATTER Please. Please. Please! It’s important – it’s crucial – (yelling out) She’s coming Mrs. Morrissey,
don’t worry! Nurse Norma, exits with the pie, muttering under her breath. NURSE NORMA
I don’t know what the hell this man’s talkin’ about. He ain’t nothin’ but a country club doctor. DOCTOR POMATTER
Don’t do that again. JENNA
What? Bring a pie?
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DOCTOR POMATTER
No not that! Of course not that . I meant go away for a full month and not call me. JENNA
Well I didn’t have any questions or concerns— DOCTOR POMATTER
Don’t do that. JENNA
This is craziness, Doctor Pomatter. DOCTOR POMATTER
Please call me Jim. JENNA
No, I won’t. DOCTOR POMATTER
O.K. Don’t. Dr. Pomatter is fine. (An awkward silence.)
So I guess we’re officially forgetting everything that happened between us. JENNA
Yes. We officially are. DOCTOR POMATTER
I want to apologize for it. I almost called you, I mean, just to apologize. I want you to know that it will never happen again. From this point on, our relationship is strictly a medical, professional one. (Jenna nods, then grabs Doctor Pomatter and kisses him hard.) Jenna!No! (then) Not with the door open. He closes the door then rushes back to kiss Jenna. They fall backwards onto the table. The door opens, it’s Nurse Norma chomping on a piece of pie. They quickly sit up. Doctor Pomatter’s leg getting caught on the table. He attempts to remain professional. NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Morrissey still weighs 142 pounds. DOCTOR POMATTER
Thank you, Nurse Norma. So Mrs. Hunterson, you’re taking your pre-natal vitamins every day? JENNA
Faithfully.
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NURSE NORMA (soto)
Faithfully my ass. DOCTOR POMATTER
Good. I would like you to come back tomorrow. NURSE NORMA
Tomorrow? DOCTOR POMATTER
Yes. Are we on the same page now? JENNA
We’re on the same page. NURSE NORMA
We’re all on the same page. Nurse Norma exits. Jenna and Dr. Pomatter jump each other’s bones. (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS
SONG #11: BAD IDEA (REPRISE) DOCTOR POMATTER
HEARTS KEEP RACING JENNA
THERE’S NO MISTAKING DOCTOR POMATTER
WE CAN’T COME BACK FROM THIS JENNA
GOOD! ‘CAUSE I WANT MORE OF WHAT I HAD DOCTOR POMATTER
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO JENNA
FEELS SO GOOD DOCTOR POMATTER AND JENNA
TO BE BAD TO BE BAD Jenna, wearing the doctor coat now, pushes Doctor Pomatter onto the table. He reaches for the stirrups as she straddles him. DR. POMATTER
I’m very pleased with your progress, Mrs. Hunterson. JENNA
Thank you, doctor. (Jenna exits. Next day, Jenna returns, a new pie in hand.)
Pineapple Upside Down Pie. Jenna lies on the table and spreads her legs, the pie on her belly, he dives into it. DR. POMATTER
Your hormone levels are rising beautifully, Mrs. Hunterson. Jenna exits. Another day, Jenna returns, with yet another new pie in hand. JENNA
In the Dark Dark Chocolate Pie. Jenna flips the lights out, and she and the doctor go at it. Nurse Norma enters, flips on the lights. They hide in a clump on the floor. Norma sees the pie, looks around – the coast is clear. She takes it and exits.
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On the other side of the stage, the counter glides in with Becky and Cal on it, going at it. JENNA AND DOCTOR POMATTER
CHORUS
TAKE THIS BAD IDEA AND WALK THIS WIRE
AH !
BECKY AND CAL
THROW YOUR SPARK INTO OIL AND FIRE Now Dawn glides on in a Revolutionary War Dress sewing a flag. DAWN AND OGIE
CHORUS
CHANCE WON’T COME EVERY SINGLE DAY
AH!
Ogie pops up from under her dress. DAWN/OGIE/CAL/BECKY
SO DON’T THROW IT AWAY DAWN/OGIE/CAL/BECKY/JENNA/POMATTER
DON’T THROW IT AWAY
CHORUS
DON’T THROW IT AWAY
JENNA/ DAWN/ BECKY
CHORUS
WE MIGHT BURN BUT WE MIGHT GET SAVED I DON’T FEEL MUCH FIRE AT ALL THESE DAYS
AH !
POMATTER/OGIE/CAL
FEELS SO GOOD TO JENNA/DAWN/BECKY
FEELS SO GOOD JENNA/DAWN/BECKY/POMATTER/OGIE/CAL
TO BE BAD The ensemble is on stage now, with the song ending in a passionate embrace by all. END SONG UNDERSCORE: BAD IDEA REPRISE-PLAYOFF On the transition, Dawn and Ogie row across the stage à la Washington crossing the Delaware. Dawn uses her flag like a sail. OGIE
The British are coming! The British are coming! He kisses her passionately.
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ACT 2, SCENE 3: DINER Jenna heads towards Joe’s table with a spring in her step. JENNA
Hey Joe. How are ya? JOE
Same bastard as yesterday, Jenna. The question is how are you? JENNA
Same train wreck. JOE
And how's the charming husband? JENNA
Charming as ever. JOE
Right. And the lipstick smudger? JENNA
What? JOE
You know!the dog on the side? The "affair." JENNA
I'm not having an “affair” affair. It’s just a – JOE
An affair. (He hands her a napkin.) Your lipstick is all smudged like someone gave you a good one. When you’re done wiping away your indiscretions, wanna hear your horoscope? Jenna tries to wipe off the lipstick. JENNA
No. JOE (keeps reading)
Aquarius. "Even if you have a miserable snake husband, you probably shouldn't be having no affair, ‘cause it’s beneath you and could make you seem like a common hussy. Not to mention the pain you could cause to other people.” Jenna gets quiet.
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JOE (CONT’D)
This afternoon I want the Singing Tuney Fish Casserole, no pickle on the plate. Well-done frenchie fries. On their own plate. And Jenna's Devil’s Food Oasis Pie. That’s the one that you should bake in that contest so you can win that money and leave your husband fair and square and smudge your lipstick with whomever the hell you want. JENNA
Joe!you really think that pie is good enough to win? JOE
That pie is a thing’a beauty! how each flavor opens itself, one by one, like a chapter in a book. First you get flooded with chocolate, dark and bittersweet like an old flame... and then strawberry, the way strawberry was always supposed to taste but never knew how... In fact, you know what? Forget all the other stuff I ordered. Just bring me the damn pie. Whattaya waiting for? She serves him his pie. JENNA
I don’t believe for one second that you’re as mean as you play. You tip me better than anyone. Jenna heads to the counter. Dawn pulls Jenna and Becky aside . DAWN
If you’re noticing I’m having a hard time walking today. Keep it between us. JENNA
This is really heating up. DAWN
He is so passionate. You wouldn’t know it to look at him but he is a sexual dynamo. BECKY
No, you wouldn’t know it ! DAWN
He is amorous yet clean and well organized! And when he recites his spontaneous poetry, well! I’m multi-orgasmic! I had no idea. CAL
You know, I didn’t either and believe me it’s something I did not need to know. Order up! BECKY
Perhaps you could take some pointers, Cal. CAL
Perhaps you could take this steamin’ slice of Twisted Kentucky Pecan Pie to table five.
WAITRESS
BECKY
I didn’t realize it was hot and ready! Becky heads to her table. CAL
Girl, it’s been hot all morning. UNDERSCORE: WESTERN FACEOFF II Becky pauses, stirred, then sashays a bit as she delivers her order. Ogie appears unannounced in Cal’s kitchen. Cal looks at him sideways. OGIE
Hey buddy. I'm just waitin' on Dawn. She’s meetin’ my mom tonight. Takin ‘em to Stanton Grove for steak dinner. It’s gettin’ serious. Real serious. CAL
C’mon man you got this. Breathe. Ogie pulls out his inhaler, takes a puff, and heads out of the kitchen. OGIE
Dawn Pinkett! DAWN
Ogie! He steps forward dramatically. OGIE
Every day I think of you, and think yes. DAWN
Oh he’s makin’ me a poem, right here. OGIE
We hold these truths to be self-evident. I am more than he who audits. Yes. I am poetry and sex and living a dream. Love. Yes, uh huh. Yes. DAWN (swooning)
Oh my God! Will you bus my tables so I can— BECKY AND JENNA
Yes!
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DAWN
Oh thank you. You know Jenna, I must admit I don’t really feel I understood the Declaration of Independence ‘til now, Life, Liberty— JENNA/ DAWN
and the Pursuit of Happiness— JENNA
Pie. CUE: PIE MUSIC The ensemble surrounds Jenna and lifts her and Doctor Pomatter, guiding them Chagall-like into a lover’s kiss. JENNA
Meld warm Golden Delicious Apples with free flowing brown sugar. Add cinnamon and allspice. Fold in cocoa chiffon until they merge perfectly. Top with peaks of everlasting Chantilly cream. Doctor Pomatter carries her gently to the exam table.
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ACT 2, SCENE 4: DR. POMATTER’S OFFICE Jenna, pie in hand, sits on the exam table, lost in her pie reverie, as Pomatter recedes. DOCTOR POMATTER
Mrs.— NURSE NORMA
Hunterson? JENNA
Dust gently with powdered sugar ! NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA
Garnish with rose petals ! NURSE NORMA
Mrs. Hunterson! Doctor Pomatter and his wife had to fly back East for a funeral this morning. JENNA
He flew back east with his wife? NURSE NORMA
Yes. (She stares her down knowing full well what’s going on.)
So guess who’s gonna examine your cha-cha today? Me!... Just kiddin. You look like shit girl. You feelin OK? JENNA
Yeah. I’m fine I’m just – you know, the baby. NURSE NORMA
Of course. How’s it working out with Doctor Pomatter? JENNA
He’s very! professional. NURSE NORMA
Isn’t he? (knowingly) Such a lovely bedside manner. Is that pie for me? JENNA
I guess! NURSE NORMA
Looks so yummy. What kind is it?
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JENNA
The Pursuit of Happiness Pie. NURSE NORMA
We could all use a slice of that. (She puts a stethoscope on Jenna’s back, now on her stomach.)
Heartbeat strong and steady. Take a listen. She puts the stethoscope in Jenna’s ears. Jenna’s stunned as she, and we, hear the baby’s heartbeat. Jenna can’t bear to hear it and pulls the stethoscope out of her ears. Now alone, she touches her belly. JENNA
Dear Baby... UNDERSCORE: DEAR BABY
Let me begin by saying I'm sorry. Don’t take it personally, baby, if I don't seem like all the other mamas jumping all over themselves with joy. I wish I could feel excitement that you're with me now. Or faith that I’ll be a good mamas, even if my life is a mess and the world, as I see it, isn’t so pretty like they’d have you believe in that baby book. (She gets up off the table. The ensemble floats an apron in front of her. She puts it on, and is visibly more pregnant.)
I frankly don’t know what I got to give you, baby. (The pantry materializes around her.)
What if I don’t win that contest and don’t have no money and can’t leave Earl? What the hell am I gonna do with you then? (She reaches for her bowl and the flour.)
Some days I think I should just give you to some nice family who could give you what I can't. (She attempts to begin to bake, but for the first time can’t.)
I wish I could just run away. What kind of mama is that?
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ACT 2, SCENE 5: THE PANTRY Dr. Pomatter enters the pantry tentatively. DOCTOR POMATTER
Jenna. JENNA
What are you doin’ here? You can’t just come here. DOCTOR POMATTER
I had to see you. It’s been weeks. I can’t take it not knowing how you are. JENNA
Doctor Pomatter ! we have to end this. POMATTER
Why? JENNA
Because I’ve been thinkin’ a lot while you were away with your wife... and I can’t live with myself. DOCTOR POMATTER
I won't have a conversation about how crazy this is, how bad my judgment is, how sorry I am. I would be lying. JENNA
Don’t say anything else. Don’t talk me out of it. Just go. Torn, Doctor Pomatter turns away. Then – JENNA
I don’t know how to do this. I haven’t felt anything like this ! I haven’t felt in a very long time. Dr. Pomatter turns back to her – DOCTOR POMATTER
Neither have I – They grow quiet. JENNA
So what now? DOCTOR POMATTER
Maybe you could teach me how to make a pie !
WAITRESS JENNA
Seriously? DOCTOR POMATTER
Seriously. JENNA
Wow. I could do that. Sure !. DOCTOR POMATTER
I have something for you. A present. JENNA
For me? He hands Jenna a gift. She’s thrown. DR. POMATTER
Yes. For you. Open it. She hesitantly opens it. It’s a beautiful golden pie plate. JENNA
Oh my god. DOCTOR POMATTER
I had your name engraved on the back. JENNA
It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. DOCTOR POMATTER
It’s deep dish. Non-stick. Jenna is so moved she can barely find words . JENNA
Thank you!I have some gorgeous blackberries. DOCTOR POMATTER
I love blackberries. They begin to make a pie together. JENNA
We’re gonna make one my mama used to call “Lonely Chicago Pie.” She made hundreds of different kinds. They all had real strange names.
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DOCTOR POMATTER
Like mama like daughter ! INTRO: MAMA’S PIE SONG JENNA
She had such dreams for me. She’d be so sad to see how my life turned out. Maybe I’m talkin’ too much. DOCTOR POMATTER (compassionately)
No. JENNA
Mama used to keep me in the kitchen when daddy was in a mood. She’d teach me everything about baking... We’d sing this little song together – (sings)
LET’S MAKE A NEW ONE, MAMA WHAT DO YOU SAY? I LOVE IT WHEN YOU LET ME PICK OUT THE NAME SUGAR, AND BUTTER AND FLOUR, AND MOTHER Jenna looks up at him. JENNA
What the hell are you doin’ here. DOCTOR POMATTER
I’m learning how to make Lonely Chicago Pie. JENNA
No, I mean here. Livin’ in this town. DOCTOR POMATTER
My wife, she's doing her residency. We came here because of her. JENNA
Are you happy with her? No, don't answer that. DOCTOR POMATTER
I’m not used to happy. I tend to be neurotic ! You calm me down. You make me feel peaceful– even needed! And you’re so beautiful. JENNA
I don’t know who you’re talkin’ about. (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #12: YOU MATTER TO ME DOCTOR POMATTER
I COULD FIND THE WHOLE MEANING OF LIFE IN THOSE SAD EYES THEY’VE SEEN THINGS THAT YOU NEVER QUITE SAY BUT I HEAR COME OUT OF HIDING I’M RIGHT HERE BESIDE YOU AND I’LL STAY THERE AS LONG AS YOU’LL LET ME BECAUSE YOU MATTER TO ME SIMPLE AND PLAIN AND NOT MUCH TO ASK FROM SOMEBODY YOU MATTER TO ME I PROMISE YOU DO YOU YOU MATTER TOO I PROMISE YOU DO YOU’LL SEE YOU MATTER TO ME JENNA
IT’S ADDICTIVE THE MINUTE YOU LET YOURSELF THINK THE THINGS THAT I SAY JUST MIGHT MATTER TO SOMEONE ALL OF THIS TIME I’VE BEEN KEEPING MY MIND ON THE RUNNING AWAY AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I THINK I’D CONSIDER THE STAY In the musical interlude, he holds her tenderly.
“Dear Baby. I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight. They don't pull away, they don't look at your face, they don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it ! I hope you become addicted, Baby. I hope you become addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone.” BOTH
YOU MATTER TO ME SIMPLE AND PLAIN AND NOT MUCH TO ASK FROM SOMEBODY YOU MATTER TO ME JENNA
DOCTOR POMATTER
I PROMISE YOU DO YOU YOU MATTER TOO
COME OUT OF HIDING I’M RIGHT HERE BESIDE YOU AS LONG AS YOU’LL HAVE ME I DO PROMISE YOU DO YOU MATTER TO ME
I PROMISE YOU DO YOU MATTER TO ME
BOTH
YOU’LL SEE YOU MATTER TO ME END SONG
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ACT 2, SCENE 6: THE DINER Dawn and Ogie, in wedding attire à la the Revolutionary War, enter and walk to a makeshift altar surrounded by their nearest and dearest. Cal is the best man and Becky the maid of honor. MINISTER
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Ogie Herbert Eincorn and Dawn Louise Pinkett— Ogie holds up his hand to shush her, handing the minister his/her hat. OGIE
Shhh!Wedding poetry happenin’ right here right now – (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #13: I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE OGIE
YOUR WHITE DRESS SPARKS WORDS SPONTANEOUS I’LL SING FROM MOUNTAIN TOPS I AM IN LOVE (LOVE LOVE) AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT He kisses Cal on the head, much to his chagrin. CAL
Alright. OGIE
LUCKY ME I WAS ORDINARY BUT WITH YOUR LOVE YOU SEE I AM A POH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OEM WRITER I WILL EXPRESS THIS IF I AM ABLE I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE! MY LEGS WERE CARVED FOR YOU I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE I’M WOOD AND YOU ARE GLUE COVER ME WITH STUFF I WILL HOLD IT UP STRONG AND STABLE I LOVE YOU LIKE A TABLE
CHORUS
OH OH OH OH! AH ! OH OH OH OH! AH! OH OH OH OH! AH! OOH! AH!
DAWN
I LOVE YOU TOO AND I WANTED TO TRY AND SURPRISE YOU I’VE WRITTEN 29 NEW DRAFTS OF VOWS THAT DIDN’T RHYME 30 WAS A DRUM LINE The women do a drum solo with wooden spoons on the counter, topped with a solo from Cal on the pans in the kitchen. Now the wedding continues, Cal and Becky the ring bearers. OGIE & DAWN
PROMISE TO AS BEST WE CAN SAY I DO AND TELL YOU THAT WHEN I SEE YOU I WANT TO AGAIN Ogie sweeps Dawn into his arms and kisses her. END SONG
CHORUS
OH OH OH OH AH! OH OH OH OH AH!
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Jenna wheels in a multi-tiered pie. Oohs and ahhs from everyone. Ogie’s overwhelmed. OGIE
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! CAL
You’ve really outdone yourself Jenna. I’m bettin’ on you to win that contest next week. JENNA
Thanks for letting me go Cal. CAL
I’m not such a bad guy, maybe ! JENNA
You’re not such a bad guy, maybe! The music kicks in. Everyone dances. Cal and Jenna watch Ogie and Dawn. CAL
Look at ‘em. Happiest day of their lives. They got no idea the ride they’re in for. JENNA
!Cal can I ask you a question? CAL
Shoot. JENNA
Are you happy? Would you call yourself a happy man? CAL
If you’re asking a serious question, I’ll tell you. I’m happy enough. I don’t give much, I don’t get much, but I do try to enjoy whatever comes up. That’s my truth, summed up for your feminine judgment. I’m happy enough. Becky comes over. BECKY
May I have this dance? We think she’s going for Cal, as does Cal – CAL
Uh-huh. But Becky takes Jenna as her partner.
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BECKY
Uh-uh! Jenna and Becky dance, as Becky takes out some money from her cleavage. BECKY
I had some big spenders yesterday. Stash this in the pot – towards your entry fee – JENNA
Becky I can’t take your money with what you’re dealin’ with at homeBECKY
Just this once. Let me feel a little philanthropopical. I don’t want you worryin’ about nothin’ but bakin’ yourself a better life. When you win that contest, you think you’ll get one of those big giant checks that are the size of a door? I’ve always wondered how you cash those! JENNA
Maybe we should have an affair. BECKY
No ma’am. This ain’t no affair. I’m in it for life. Joe approaches and waves Becky away. JOE
Shoo shoo!... This reminds me of my third wedding to Sara-Marie Caputo. Now she was a screamer. JENNA
Joe! JOE
I was just trying to point out her good qualities. Oh man, she was nasty. JENNA
I’m gonna invent a special pie for you, called “Old Joe’s Horny Past Pie.” JOE
You should enter that one in the contest! Wake those old biddies up! JENNA
Maybe I’ll just bake it for you. JOE
It’ll have to wait. My doctor says I shouldn’t be eatin’ that sweet stuff. Liver actin’ up. Gotta have a piece of it removed. JENNA
Oh Joe!
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JOE
Last time I was in the hospital the nurse shot me in the ass with morphine and strapped me to a bed! Not too shabby! ALT: Last time I was in the hospital the nurse strapped me to a bed, pulled my pants down and shot me in the ass ! Not too shabby ! JENNA
Not too shabby. He moves to dance with her. The ensemble dances behind them. INTRO: TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN JOE
You better promise me you’ll bake to win ! Pie-lady, you’re shakin. JENNA
I don’t know what I’m more scared of – losin’ or winnin’. Maybe I should just make peace with happy enough like my mama did. I don’t know Joe maybe it’s too late for me. (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #14: TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN JOE
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN TIME’S JUST SAND SLIPPING PAST WE WANT TO HOLD IT IN OUR HANDS BUT NO ONE EVER SEES WHAT FALLS THROUGH THE CRACKS TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN MY MISTAKES HAVE MADE ME AND I AM WHAT I AM AND THOUGH I DON’T BELIEVE IN SILVER LININGS
ENSEMBLE
OOH!
I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOU SOMETHING GOOD IS TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH YOU MIGHT HAVE TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT AND WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN’T YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
I BELIEVE IN YOU THROUGH YOU CAN
ENS 1
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN THE DAYS DON’T STRETCH ANY LONGER THEY’VE LEFT TRACKS UPON MY SKIN BUT I RECKON MADE ME STRONGER
OOH! OOH!
ENS2
TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN ENSEMBLE
THEY’VE LEFT TRACKS UPON MY SKIN OOH!
JOE AND ENSEMBLE
I BELIEVE THERE’S SOMETHING IN YOU SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE SEEING TOO JOE
ENSEMBLE
BET IT ALL ON YOURSELF AT LEAST ONE TIME CAUSE HONEY, WIN OR LOSE, IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE
BET IT ALL ON YOURSELF AT LEAST ONE TIME WIN OR LOSE IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE WOMAN
IT’S ONE HELL OF A RIDE JOE
AND IF YOU LACK THE STRENGTH OF YOUR OWN HONEY HOLD OUT YOUR HAND, AND TAKE IT FROM AN OLD MAN
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END SONG
Jenna goes to hug Joe, who almost lets it happen. Earl walks in, feigning charm but barely masking an intense anger. EARL Excuse me, I’m gonna borrow my wife? (soto to Jenna, with contained fury) Say your
goodbyes, we’re goin’ home. JOE
Who invited you? EARL
Have another piece of pie, old man! CAL
Hey come on. She stops him, speaking quietly . JENNA
Don’t. It’ll make it worse. EARL
Let’s go. DAWN
Jenna! Please stay— JENNA
I’m sorry – Bye sweetheart... BECKY
Don’t leave! JENNA
I love you! congratulations. Earl puts his arm around Jenna and leads her out. She can’t look anyone in the eye. The stage almost appears to close in around them as their living room materializes. Once no one is around, Earl grabs her arm aggressively, pushing her across their room.
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ACT 2, SCENE 7: EARL AND JENNA’S HOUSE On either side of the couch, Earl, smoldering, confronts Jenna. EARL
You must really think I’m stupid. JENNA
No... EARL
Unzip that cushion. JENNA
I don’t want to— EARL
Do it! (She picks up the cushion and slowly unzips it.)
What is that, Jenna? What is that? He pulls out a wad of cash. JENNA
Money. EARL
It's all over the fuckin’ house. In drawers, in cabinets, in the sofa. Money hidden all over my house. JENNA
I'm sorry. EARL
After everything I've done for you, you go and hide money from me? I was the only one there for you when your mama died and your old man was piss drunk every night. Did you forget that?! Do I need this?! Do I need this right now?! He picks up his guitar and throws it on the floor. JENNA
Earl, stop! You love that guitar! But it’s too late - he stomps on the guitar, breaking it apart.
WAITRESS
EARL
You're the only thing I've ever loved. The only person ever belonged to me. You’re my wife. You’re my whole life...You havin’ a secret from me tears me apart. Why are you hidin’ money all over the house? Jenna faces him with a new resolve to speak the truth. JENNA
IEARL
Tell me you were gonna surprise me- tell me you were gonna buy me a present ! JENNA
Earl EARL
If I ever thought you weren't happy being my wife, that you were deceiving me, I would kill myself. I would. I would want to die. Just hold me. Jenna weakly puts her arms around Earl. He cries. He buries his face in her pregnant belly. Jenna steels herself. JENNA The truth is, Earl... Truth is... (She is about to tell him her truth then) I was saving that money
for the baby. To buy some nice things. A crib, toys... it was all for the baby. EARL
It was for the baby? JENNA
Yes Earl. For a crib. Earl stands, knowing as well as she that she’s lying but he accepts it. EARL
I don’t know why you gotta make it so hard Jenna. (He reaches for the money in the sofa and pockets it.)
I just want us to be happy. He heads to their bedroom. Jenna sits on the couch, shaken. UNDERSCORE: DEAR BABY JENNA
Dear Baby, if you ever wanna know the story of how we bought your crib, I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money I was gonna use to buy us a new life. The Springfield Pie Contest is startin’ next week and you and I will not be in attendance.
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SONG #15: SHE USED TO BE MINE JENNA
IT’S NOT SIMPLE TO SAY THAT MOST DAYS I DON’T RECOGNIZE ME THAT THESE SHOES AND THIS APRON, THAT PLACE AND ITS PATRONS HAVE TAKEN MORE THAN I GAVE THEM. IT’S NOT EASY TO KNOW I’M NOT ANYTHING LIKE I USED TO BE ALTHOUGH IT’S TRUE I WAS NEVER ATTENTION’S SWEET CENTER I STILL REMEMBER THAT GIRL: SHE’S IMPERFECT BUT SHE TRIES SHE IS GOOD BUT SHE LIES SHE IS HARD ON HERSELF SHE IS BROKEN AND WON’T ASK FOR HELP SHE IS MESSY BUT SHE’S KIND SHE IS LONELY MOST OF THE TIME SHE IS ALL OF THIS MIXED UP AND BAKED IN A BEAUTIFUL PIE SHE IS GONE BUT SHE USED TO BE MINE. IT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR. SOMETIMES LIFE JUST SLIPS IN THROUGH A BACK DOOR AND CARVES OUT A PERSON AND MAKES YOU BELIEVE IT’S ALL TRUE AND NOW I’VE GOT YOU AND YOU’RE NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR, IF I’M HONEST I KNOW I WOULD GIVE IT ALL BACK FOR A CHANCE TO START OVER AND REWRITE AN ENDING OR TWO FOR THAT GIRL THAT I KNEW: WHO WAS RECKLESS JUST ENOUGH WHO GETS HURT BUT WHO LEARNS HOW TO TOUGHEN UP WHEN SHE’S BRUISED AND GETS USED BY A MAN WHO CAN’T LOVE AND THEN SHE’LL GET STUCK AND BE SCARED OF THE LIFE THAT’S INSIDE HER The house walls rise, revealing the sky behind her.
GETTING STRONGER EACH DAY TILL IT FINALLY REMINDS HER TO FIGHT JUST A LITTLE TO BRING BACK THE FIRE IN HER EYES THAT’S BEEN GONE, BUT IT USED TO BE MINE IT USED TO MINE SHE IS MESSY BUT SHE’S KIND SHE IS LONELY MOST OF THE TIME SHE IS ALL OF THIS MIXED UP AND BAKED IN A BEAUTIFUL PIE SHE IS GONE BUT SHE USED TO BE MINE. END SONG
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Jenna touches her stomach – the first contraction. She exhales a long breath. UNDERSCORE: CONTRACTION BALLET We hear that breath echoed by the women in the ensemble, who we reveal in pools of light – they mirror her gestures. The hospital materializes. We hear a soundscape of sighs, intensifying breathing, mixed with the rhythms of the hospital room – the heart monitor beeping, the baby’s heart.
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ACT 2, SCENE 8: THE HOSPITAL Jenna is in a hospital bed. Dr. Pomatter beside her. DOCTOR POMATTER
Jenna, everything’s going to be OK. JENNA
Just make it all go away. DOCTOR POMATTER
Try to focus on your breathing. I’m gonna be right here. JOE
Wheel me in. A nurse wheels Joe in, who sits in a wheelchair. DOCTOR POMATTER
Excuse me. Do you belong here? JOE
Yes, I'm kin. JENNA
He sure is! Joe! You having your surgery today? JOE
Later this afternoon. Becky told me you were here. I bought you a card in that gift shop downstairs. It's silly and flowery and almost gave me Diabetes. Joe hands Jenna a pink envelope. JENNA
Thank you, Joe. JOE
Don’t look at it now; look at it later when all the fuss is over. Earl enters with snacks from the vending machine. EARL
Halftime in the lounge, Colts up 10 – what’s the ETA in here? (he nods to Joe) Earl - father to be. JOE
How could I forget you? Don't say nothin’ smart, you dumb ass. Wheel me out.
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Joe exits. Long awkward pause. Jenna looks to Earl on one side. Pomatter on the other. JENNA
Uh... Doctor Pomatter, this is my husband, Earl. NURSE NORMA
Oh Lordy. Nurse Norma exits. Doctor Pomatter unconsciously puts his hand on Jenna’s headboard. EARL (picking up his video camera )
Hey Doc do you mind gettin’ out of the way so I can get a shot of me and my wife on the big day. Much appreciated. Give me a kiss baby. (Jenna feels a contraction. Earl films it.)
Whoa!so dramatic! (Jenna tries to catch her breath.)
Babe you’re spittin’ on the lens. Earl moves to clean the lens. Jenna reaches for Doctor Pomatter. JENNA
Doctor Pomatter? DOCTOR POMATTER
Yes, Jenna? JENNA
I just want to make sure we're clear about one thing. DOCTOR POMATTER
What's that, Jenna? JENNA
I want drugs. I want massive amounts of drugs. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs. DOCTOR POMATTER
Noted and understood. Nurse Norma re-enters and motions for the residents to come in. One of them steps forward to Jenna. FRANCINE
Try and steady your breathing hon. Hi, I'm Francine Pomatter. Jim’s told me so much about you. Jenna and Pomatter turn to each other. Is this really happening? – It’s a reckoning.
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DOCTOR POMATTER
Did I tell you my wife is a resident here? JENNA
Yeah I think you mighta mentioned that. Jenna has a huge contraction. FRANCINE
Don’t worry you are in great hands with my husband. Jenna looks up mid-contraction. JENNA
Is she gonna be here the whole delivery? I mean, are all the residents gonna be here? DOCTOR POMATTER
No they were just here to observe the first stage of labor. Everybody out. All the residents leave. Dawn and Becky enter. DAWN
Jenna! We’re here. Everything’s gonna be OK. BECKY
Oh my lord- the pie is comin’ out of the oven! Order fuckin’ up! The LIGHTS CHANGE and we enter Jenna’s surreal vision. She sees her mother enter and blow a cloud of flour into the air. Her mother repeats ritualized baking gestures on one side of the stage, Earl standing on the other. The PIE MUSIC accelerates and becomes more distorted, “Sugar, Butter Flour,” ‘til Jenna screams – JENNA
I don't want no baby Earl! An oven timer DINGS. BLACKOUT. Silence. We hear a baby crying. DOCTOR POMATTER
It's a girl! EARL (disappointed)
A girl? LIGHTS COME UP on Jenna, who turns away from her baby.
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NURSE
Would you like to hold your baby, Mrs. Hunterson? (Jenna doesn't respond.)
Mrs. Hunterson? Did you hear me? Are you ok? Mrs. Hunterson? JENNA
Give her to me. (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #16: WHAT’S INSIDE (REPRISE) Nurse Norma hands the baby to Jenna. All the sounds in the room fade away as Jenna takes in her baby girl. JENNA
Oh my god...
ENS 1
OOH!. Oh my god!
OOH!. EARL
Now remember what I said – don’t you go lovin’ that baby more than me. JENNA
I don’t love you anymore Earl, I haven’t in a very long time, I want a divorce. EARL
That's not funny, Jenna. JENNA
No one’s laughin. I want you the hell out of my life. OOH! EARL
You’re never gonna leave me. JENNA
Watch me!
OOH!. EARL
You ain’t gonna do nothing! You better know your place! (Dr. Pomatter intervenes.) Don’t touch me! Get your hands off me! (to Jenna) Man, you’re gonna regret this when you get home. JENNA
And you’re gonna regret ever saying that, because if you ever come within 6 yards of us, I will flatten your sorry ass and I will enjoy doing it. Now get out before I call someone to carry you out.
ENS 2
SUGAR AND BUTTER AND FLOUR
OOH! OOH!
ENS 3
WHAT’S INSIDE ENS 2
AND MOTHER
Earl takes this in and leaves with what’s left of his dignity. Jenna turns back to her baby.
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SONG #17: EVERYTHING CHANGES (PART I) JENNA
TODAY’S A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER BUT I AM CHANGED I AM A MOTHER OH IN AN INSTANT AND WHO I WAS HAS DISAPPEARED IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW YOU’RE HERE SO INNOCENT I WAS LOST FOR YOU TO FIND AND NOW I’M YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE TWO TINY HANDS, A PAIR OF EYES AN UNSUNG MELODY IS MINE FOR SAFE-KEEPING AND I WILL GUARD IT WITH MY LIFE I’D HANG THE MOON FOR IT TO SHINE ON HER SLEEPING STARTING HERE AND STARTING NOW I CAN FEEL THE HEART OF HOW BECKY/ DAWN/ JENNA
EVERYTHING CHANGES BECKY
You done did it girl. JENNA
Baby girl meet your God-mamas. I’m gonna call her Lulu. Little Lulu the love of my life. We’re gonna be happy, little girl. Not just happy enough. We’re gonna be really happy. Ogie pops his head in, covering his eyes. OGIE
Hello – is everyone decent? DAWN
Ogie, come here. Jenna, Ogie and I want you to know that you can stay with us for a while until you get on your feet. BECKY
You could stay with us, but I think Phil’s convulsions might frighten the baby. DAWN
Look Ogie – isn’t she beautiful? OGIE There are no words! but I’m double-parked. (hugging Dawn) I love you. I love you baby. (He heads out, coming face to face with Doctor Pomatter. Ogie hugs him too.)
I love you too.
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Ogie exits. Doctor Pomatter steps in. BECKY
Dawn, don’t we have business in the hallway? DAWN
No! BECKY
Dawn. Becky attempts to lead Dawn out of the room. Dawn stops and does a double take, looking between the doctor and Jenna as Becky pulls her out of the room. DOCTOR POMATTER
How are you two doin’? JENNA
You ever seen a baby this beautiful? DOCTOR POMATTER
Out of the 762 I have delivered, between us- she is definitely the most beautiful. (Jenna laughs. They admire the baby. It gets quiet.)
Nurse Norma, can you get Mrs. Hunterson her complimentary burp cloths. Nurse Norma exits, muttering under her breathNURSE NORMA
Maybe in Connecticut this flies. Lord have mercy. A beat, thenDOCTOR POMATTER
I know what you’re thinking. No I don’t. That’s a lie. What are you thinking? They sit on the end of the bed together. JENNA
I’m thinking... I could never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. (He leans in to kiss her !she pulls away.) And I’m thinkin’ your wife’s around. And you shouldn’t kiss me. The way she looks at you. So much trust! We could have a big drama here that gets drawn out for a couple of years, and makes everyone miserable, or we end it right here. No body count. DOCTOR POMATTER
So this is goodbye. Jenna nods.
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JENNA
I will never forget you. DOCTOR POMATTER
Another lifetime. He stands up, but can barely bring himself to leave. They face each other on either side of the bed. JENNA
You deserve homemade but try telling that to a vending machine. (Jenna reaches for something by her bed – a Moonpie – the kind you get in a vending machine. She tosses it to him.)
Here: “Thanks For Taking Me To The Moon Moonpie.” He takes her in one last time and exits. Jenna looks at her baby with so much love. (Continue to song on next page ! )
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SONG #17a: EVERYTHING CHANGES (PART II) JENNA
I DIDN’T KNOW BUT NOW I SEE, SOMETIMES WHAT IS, IS MEANT TO BE YOU SAVED ME MY BLURRY LINES, MY MESSY LIFE COME INTO FOCUS AND IN TIME MAYBE I CAN HEAL AND I CAN BREATHE CAUSE I CAN FEEL MYSELF BELIEVE
COMPANY
OOH!
Dawn and Becky re-enter, and they all marvel at the baby. COMPANY
EVERYTHING CHANGES JENNA AND COMPANY
OH MY HEART’S AT THE WHEEL NOW JENNA
COMPANY
AND ALL MY MISTAKES THEY MAKE SENSE WHEN I TURN THEM AROUND
AH!
JENNA AND COMPANY
EVERYTHING CHANGES The hospital walls rise to reveal the band and the sky behind them. JENNA
COMPANY
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS SO PERMANENT FADES IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, THERE’S A NEW LIFE IN FRONT OF MY FACE AND I KNOW IN DUE TIME EVERY RIGHT THING WILL FIND ITS RIGHT PLACE SO I SWEAR I’LL REMEMBER TO SAY WE WERE BOTH
AH! AH! IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE THERE’S A NEW LIFE IN FRONT OF MY FACE AND I KNOW IN DUE TIME EVERY RIGHT THING WILL FIND ITS RIGHT PLACE
JENNA AND COMPANY
BORN TODAY CAUSE EVERYTHING’S CHANGED JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
EVERYTHING CHANGES END SONG
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UNDERSCORE: JOE’S LETTER Jenna is now alone with her baby in her arms. A member of the ensemble swirls around Jenna and hands her a pink envelope: Joe’s card. Jenna opens it and reads— JENNA
“To my only friend. Start fresh. I’m leaving you the pie shop – Name a pie for me when I’m gone.”
CHORUS
OOH!
Jenna looks up, stunned. She senses Joe’s presence and turns around. Joe appears in a pool of light, an apparition. He tips his hat to her then shoos her away– as if to say, “Now get on with your life.” And then he’s gone. She realizes his spirit has passed. INTRO: OPENING UP (FINALE) The diner tracks in.
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ACT 2, SCENE 9: THE DINER Cal and Ogie are counting boxes – pie orders. They move a large stack revealing fiveyear-old Lulu, who sits on the counter. CAL
OK little Lulu, we have an order for 16 Lulu Lemonade Pies, eight Polka Dot Peach and four Cocoa Cream – how many is that? LULU
A lot! OGIE
A lot! Let me get that down. Come here you little genius! Ogie picks up Lulu and performs a magic trick for her where a long wooden spoon disappears up his nose. He sneezes it out to her delight. Jenna enters with a pie, followed by Becky and Dawn. Dawn is pregnant. LULU
Hi Mama! Lulu runs to her Mama and jumps into her arms. And we end as we began – CAL
Jenna what’s the special pie today? JENNA
Old Joe’s Slice of Heaven Pie, with tomata’ on the side— JENNA/ BECKY/ DAWN
On its own plate! The music really kicks in. Jenna is handed a clipboard and we watch her run the business, her friends by her side, the unique village that is raising Lulu. (Continue to song on next page ! )
WAITRESS
105
SONG #18: OPENING UP (FINALE) JENNA/BECKY/DAWN/CAL/OGIE/ ENS 1
OPENING UP INTO A NEW DAY OPEN TO LOVE
ENS 2
OPEN A NEW DAY
ISN’T IT AMAZING WHAT COMES OUR WAY
OPEN TO LOVE ISN’T IT AMAZING WHAT COMES OUR WAY
ONE AT A TIME EVERYDAY FALLS IN LINE
ONE AT A TIME
LEARNING TO LOVE WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE
LEARNING TO LOVE WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE
LOOKING AROUND LOOKING AROUND AT THE SAME THINGS
AT THE SAME THINGS Ogie and Lulu clog dance together.
ALL OF THEM CHANGING CAUSE EVERYTHING DOES
ALL OF THEM CHANGING EVERYTHING DOES
LIFE’S REARRANGING LIFE’S REARRANGING AND WE’RE OPENING UP
AND WE’RE OPENING UP TO WHAT’S INSIDE OF
WHAT’S INSIDE OF LOVE
LOVE
WHAT’S INSIDE? Lulu dances with her mom and then Jenna scoops her up into her arms. JENNA
SUGAR BUTTER FLOUR A neon sign descends, it reads, “Lulu’s Pies.” Lulu kisses her mom and they look out together into their bright future. END SONG End of show. Let there be pie.
