A research done by Surinder Singh Joshi and Dr. Balram Gupta titled ‘A Detailed Study on Causes of Matrimonial Disputes in India’, was recently published in the International Journal of Education and Applied Research. The research highlighted some reasons of matrimonial disputes escalating into a divorce. The major causes of divorce included; financial issues, intimacy problems , unwelcoming habits, responsibility, in-laws, , become lost in individual roles and neglect each other, unmet expectations, different priorities and interests and most importantly lack of communication and the inability to resolve conflicts and differences. Some marriages operating on the principle of ‘an insult for an insult’ are doomed to failure. Spouses become extremely proficient at trading insults—about the way he looks, the way she cooks, or the way he drives, the way she cleans the house and the list is endless. They do not know any other way to relate to each other and are so engaged in this game that they fail to see the negative impressions they create on their children, family and friends. On the other hand, if a couple never fights or argues, it may be a sign that, they are not fully communicating with each other in order to "keep the peace” in the relationship, which could be detrimental. Similarly, being passive aggressive and giving a silent treatment to the partner is also not an effective strategy for healthy relationships. J. Allan Peterson noted that "most people get married believing a myth — that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in it before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into marriage." Marriage is a union of two individuals who come from totally
different cultures, traditions, heritages, habits and values; hence conflict is common to all marriages. The question then should be: How should one deal with it? ‘Marital Masters’ are couples who are good at handling their conflicts. Many such couples summarize their experiences and state; ‘strong relationships are built on the foundation of being able to talk about and talk through, issues and challenges. It takes two to make it work. When communication stops, whether literally or practically, the relationship will begin to die. Authentic communication is the source of content, happy relationships’. A couple’s conflict resolution skills can determine if it leads to oneness or isolation. Resolving conflicts requires, knowing, accepting and adjusting to individual differences. It requires loving confrontation with grace, tactfulness, wisdom, patience and humility but devoid of selfishness.
Some practical tips recommended by experts and marriage counsellors worth considering are;
Check for motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation? Choose wisely between ‘being right’ and ‘being happy’.
Check for attitude. Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel and let you know how I feel”. Be mindful of the fact that each one of us come into the relationship with some emotional baggage from the past, which colors our perceptions in the present. When speaking, speak from your heart; be emotional, spontaneous and instinctive. While listening; listen, with acceptance and compassion. Seek to understand views, and ask questions to clarify perspectives.
Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, setting and context. Confronting your spouse, when he/she is tired from a hard day’s work or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children is not a good idea. Also, criticizing, making fun of or arguing with your spouse in public and involving your children or parents to take sides are completely off-limits.
Fight fair. During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. Do not bring up several piled up past issues. Do not save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
Focus on the problem, rather than the person. For example, your spouse is an extravagant spender and finances are going haywire, you need a budget. Work through the plans for finances and make the lack of budget the enemy, not your spouse.
Focus on behavior rather than character. Use “you” message versus the “I” messages. You can assassinate your spouse’s character and stab him right into the heart with “you” messages like, “You’re always late—you don’t care about me at all; you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” The “I” message would say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me know you’ll be late. I would appreciate if you would call so we can make other plans and have options.”
Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your spouse forgets to make an important call or book the doctor’s appointment, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, “You’re so careless; you just do things to irritate me.” Let the past mistakes go by and not allow them to mess with your present moments which could impact your future together.
Marriage can be challenging and can be even more so when you throw unrealistic expectations/demands into the mix. Give yourself and your partner a break and allow each other to be human. Do not be afraid to express what you want and what you hope to get from the relationship.
Finally, the key to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. No matter how hard two people try to love and please each other, they will sometimes fail. With failure comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing balm of forgiveness. Forgiveness means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. Having the humility to say, “I’m sorry” is important because it breaks down barriers and nurtures a heart to be tender and caring. Saying ‘sorry’ and genuinely meaning it will not magically “fix” a marriage but it goes a long way in creating and sustaining marital happiness. Author – Dr. Farida Virani
Dr. Farida Virani
Dr. Farida Virani has a Ph.D. and specializes in HR and Behavioural Sciences. She currently holds the position of Professor
& HOD at MET – Institute of Management, Mumbai.
Internationally Certified Mediator, she mediates family disputes and is Master Trainer for Mediation Skills, engaged with the International Conciliation and Arbitration Board (AKF). A renowned Corporate Trainer, she also conducts Pre- and Post-Marital Workshops for Couples, helping them explore their expectations of themselves and of each other and supporting them while they work on their relationship challenges or any existing conflict.
