Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship Introduction Part 1: Expectations Part 2: Fighting Fairly Part 3: Work on Your Listening Skills Part 4: Financial Concerns Part 5: Conflicting Chores Part 6: Marriage Sexuality Part 7: Cinema Therapy Part 8: Get to Know One Another Better Part 9: Celebrate Your Coupleness Part 10: Take the Dialogue Challenge Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 1 Marriage relationships need fine tuning from time to time. Even couples in great marriages can find themselves taking one another for granted or feeling in a bit of a rut. Over the next ten weeks, this series of articles will lead the two of you through steps that could enhance your marital relationship. Talk About Your Expectations Unrealistic Expectations Have to be Faced Everyone has expectations. However, unrealistic expectations will end up being direct paths to disappointment and unhappiness in your marriage. These include having false expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can make you happy, trying to read one another's mind, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a perfect marriage. When these are not identified or verbalized, they can create great barriers in your marriage. Hopefully, your expectations will include being able to lovingly resolve conflicts, to appreciate your differences as individuals, to respect and cherish one another, and to be able to discuss values and priorities. More Reading Marital Myths Many myths that surround marriage give couples unrealistic expectations. Disappointment is sure to come if you are looking for the Cinderella-like happily-everafter storybook marriage year after year. Four Things That Can Kill a Marriage If you want your marriage to succeed, make sure that these four things that can kill your marriage are avoided. John Gottman is a University of Washington researcher who has studied marriage and married couples for years. He states that these four behaviors can kill both your love for one another and your marriage: Sarcasm Contempt Stonewalling An unwillingness to meet a spouse's requests Qualities of a Successful Marriage Love Support
Tolerance Communication Realistic expectations Caring Nurturing Sense of humor Commitment Respect Know how to handle conflict Problem solve together Interdependence Caring Enjoy one another Have fun together Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 2 The way a married couple fights can often tell psychologists more than what they fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage. Learn How to Fight Fairly How to Fight Fairly in Your Marriage All married couples have arguments, or rather fights. How you fight is the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage. Fighting fairly with respect for one another is a critical marital skill that you must learn. The way you fight can often tell psychologists more than what you fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage. Difficulty: Average Time Required: No More than 15 minutes -- at that point call a truce and set a time to discuss the issue again. Here's How: Don't let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. That's not fighting fair in your marriage. If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go. Otherwise, you are not fighting fair. If your spouse doesn't want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight. Fighting fair means you know what the issue is. Then, both of you stick to the subject. Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in third parties like your mother-inlaw, his best friend, or your children. Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt. Respect your spouse. Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history. Fighting fair means no name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone. Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful. Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
Don't interrupt during your fight. Fighting fair means you don't blame one another make accusations. Try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences. If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight. Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive. Tips: Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free. Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship. Conflict is not the problem. All married couples have disagreements. It's not knowing how to effectively argue that creates difficulty in a marriage. Don't use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another. Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone. What You Need: Conflict management skills A sense of fairness Putting your marriage first Willingness to forgive Ability to listen Respect for one another Awareness of when to apologize Bottom line: Be respectful, don't bring up old issues, stay on the subject, keep the argument between the two of you, and remember that your relationship will lose if you are fighting just to win or to make your own point. Conflict and Anger in Marriage Every marriage relationship will have marital conflict and hostility during difficult times. Learning how to handle these problems, knowing when to seek a therapist's help and being able to forgive are some of the keys to making matrimony successful. Coping with Stress in Your Marriage The impact of stress and burnout on a marriage can be devastating. If any of these symptoms are starting to creep into your marriage, it's time to step back and re-evaluate your life style and commitment to one another.
Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 3 One of the main reasons couples divorce is because they lost the ability or never had the skills to communicate with one another. Poor listening skills lead to the breakdown in
communication in a marriage. This week talk with one another about how you can both be more effective and life-giving listeners. Listen to Each Other Listening Tips One of the main reasons couples divorce is because they lost the ability or never had the skills to communicate with one another. Poor listening skills lead to the breakdown in communication in a marriage. Here are some tips on how to be a more effective and lifegiving listener. 1. Don't Interrupt Let your spouse finish what they are saying. If this is a problem and you interrupt a lot, find someway to remind yourself to keep quiet. Some people put their chin in their hand as a sign to themselves to not speak till their mate is finished talking. 2. Keep an Open Mind Don't judge. Jumping to conclusions or looking for the right or wrong in what is being said prevents you from listening. Think before you say anything in response, especially if it is an emotional reaction. 3. Make Listening a Priority Listen without planning on what you are going to say in response. Let go of your own agenda. Be aware that you need to listen. Make eye contact. Pay attention by not looking at the TV or glancing at the newspaper or finishing up a chore. 4. Use Feedback Technique Let your partner know that you heard what they said by using a feedback technique and restating what was said. Say something like "I hear you saying ...." Be open to the possibility that you didn't hear clearly what your spouse was saying. 5. Watch Non-Verbal Be aware of non-verbal signs and clues - both yours and those of your mate. These include shrugging your shoulders, tone of voice, crossing arms or legs, nodding, eye contact or looking away, facial expressions (smile, frown, shock, disgust, tears, surprise, rolling eyes, etc.), and mannerisms (fiddling with papers, tapping your fingers). 55% of the message is delievered through non-verbal signs. 6. Blocks to Listening Try not to fall into these patterns of listening: mind reading, rehearsing, filtering, judging, daydreaming, advising, sparring, being right, changing the subject, stonewalling, and placating. 7. Stay Focused Focus on the main points that your spouse is talking about. It's ok to ask questions to clarify what you thought you heard. 8. Gender Differences Although not true for everyone, men and women generally communicate differently. Being aware can enhance your listening skills. Men often share because they want to give information or solve a problem. Women tend to talk to connect with someone or to get information. Women usually talk more about relationships than men. Men are often more concerned about details than women. Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 4
Many experts believe that financial problems are the number one reason couples divorce. This week talk with one another about your financial situation. Talk About Your Finances Financial Questions to Discuss At least once each year, couples should sit down and discuss their finances in depth. Pick a neutral time and location. Here are questions that will help the two of you know where you stand financially. This will also help you both know the best way to handle a financial crisis. Money can be a tool that can strengthen your marriage or it can become a wedge between the two of you. 1. Location of Important Documents Do you both know where important documents such as insurance documents, wils, tax information, bank account numbers, investment information, etc. are located? 2. Current Debts and Assets How much do the two of you owe in debts and what are your assets? 3. Budget Where does your money go? Even if your budget is a general one, it is important to know how your dollars are being spent. If you don't have a workable budget, develop one. 4. Financial Planning Do you have any financial goals for your future? If you do, re-evaluate the progress you are making toward your goals. If not, make some goals, both short-term and long-term. 5. Financial Vulnerability Where are the two of you most vulnerable in your finances? Is it a lack of job security, over spending, not enough income, too much debt? Decide together how to strengthen your financial position. 6. Bill Paying Who actually sits down and pays the bills? Do you do this together or has one of you volunteered for this task? Reevaluate if the way you have this set up is working or not. 7. Financial Differences How do you think your upbringing, culture, and gender are influencing how each of you approach money? Do you know what your financial personalities are? At least once each year, couples should sit down and discuss their finances in depth. Pick a neutral time and location. Here are questions that will help the two of you know where you stand financially. This will also help you both know the best way to handle a financial crisis. Money can be a tool that can strengthen your marriage or it can become a wedge between the two of you.
Managing Your Household Finances as a Couple It doesn't make any difference if you have money or if you don't have money. If the two of you have different spending habits, different savings goals, different thoughts about
investing, or different fears about being poor, then financial problems will eventually surface in your marriage. It's quite possible that the one making the most money may try to control all the finances. Sometimes a power struggle concerning money will creep into your marriage. "Like success, money is an emotionally volatile issue for most women. It's probably the most complicated relationship we have—and the one that most controls our lives because we let it." ~ Sara Ban Breathnach, author, Simple Abundance. How Many Checking Accounts? Financial planners generally recommend that individuals in a marriage relationship who have disposable income should each have their own account. They can then save or spend money as they want without having to justify the expenditure or feel guilty about spending the money. Importance of Talking About Finances in Your Marriage Even though it is difficult sometimes to face into your feelings and thoughts about money, it is imperative that a married couple make time to discuss their finances and to make decisions together about budgets, short- and long-term goals, and investment strategies. Examine your childhoods and expectations about money. Respect one another's values and find ways to compromise in how you will deal with your financial differences. Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 5 When either one of you is unhappy about the allocation of household chores, the stress level in your home will increase tremendously. Conflict over domestic duties around the house is second only to conflict over money in a marriage. This week, take time to discuss who does what around the house, and if things need to change, discuss how to divide up the chores. Dividing Up Household Chores Don't ask your spouse for help around the house. Asking for help gives the impression that the household chores are only your job and responsibility. Instead, ask your spouse to do his/her share. Chores around the house should be shared responsibilities. Set your priorities as a couple. What is truly important to each of you? Discuss how you both feel about home cooked meals versus quick meals or eating out now and then. Find out your feelings about dusting, cleaning the toilet, making the bed, mowing the lawn, paying bills, etc. Sit down together and make a list of the chores that each of you absolutely hates to do. What one hates, the other may be able to tolerate. If both of you detest the same chore, then figure out a way to compromise in getting this particular unpleasant task done. Or perhaps you could tackle the horrid chore together, as a team. You could also find some money in your budget to hire someone to do that task. It is important, too, to be considerate of one another's body clocks. Some folks are morning people and some folks are night owls. Forcing one another to do a project or chore when they really aren't ready to do it only creates tension. Timing is important. So is sharing expectations. Let one another know what the coming week is going to be like. Meetings, errands, special occasions, things that need to be done, etc. Then decide who is going to do what, make a list, post the list, and then let it go. Don't nag one another about what he/she
volunteered to do. Some people dawdle more than others. If the task hasn't been done by the following week, when you next sit down to share expectations, that's the time to bring it up and talk about the undone chore or task. If one of you doesn't follow through on promises to do his/her share of the work around your home, try and discover together why there is such reluctance. Some husbands may view household chores as woman's work and not manly. Family of origin issues can be a reason for differing opinions on chores, too. Blaming your spouse for what hasn't been accomplished or finished is just wasting energy. Don't nag. Keep lists of chores written and posted if this is an issue in your home. After a while, the written lists probably won't be necessary. Be flexible and allow your spouse to accomplish a task in his/her own way. If having the towels folded a certain way is super important to you, then you fold the towels. Many couples find they look at the division of chores differently. Domestic disorder simply doesn't bother some people. If talking it over with your spouse doesn't improve the situation, then do what many people do. Hire someone else to do it. If after discussing the situation, your mate absolutely refuses to share equally in household chores, and you're tired of carrying the load yourself, then you have some choices to make. Bottom line, you can't change your spouse. You can hire some outside help, or you can quit doing some tasks that you don't want to do anymore. The roof won't fall in just because you don't cook a 3-course meal every night, or you don't clean the bathroom on a daily basis. Look at some areas of your house and yard that you may want to cut back on to save both time and money. Try to get your home organized so it runs more efficiently. Ask yourself if some chores even have to be done on a regular basis. For instance, I'm a firm believer that if you don't stick to the kitchen floor, it doesn't need scrubbing. If mowing the lawn is taking too much time, sprinkle wildflower seeds out there and let nature do her thing. If you hate ironing, give the clothes away that need ironing and toss the iron. Do the windows have to always sparkle? With this type of down sizing, and an examination of your standard of housekeeping, your domestic chores may become less draining emotionally and physically. More Reading Biggest Mistake a Wife Can Make Regarding Chores When either of you are unhappy about the allocation of household chores, the stress level in your home will increase tremendously. Conflict over domestic duties around the house is second only to conflict over money in a marriage. The Biggest Mistake You Can Make Regarding Chores The biggest mistake you can make in your quest to have your spouse do more chores around the house is to ask for help. Asking for help implies that the responsibility for the chores belongs to just you. Don't ask for help, but rather that your spouse does his/her share. In actuality, chores around the house should be shared responsibilities. Chores are a Major Source of Conflict in Marriage If you ask wives what one of their top stresses is, quite a few will respond that it is the fact that their husbands don't want to do their share of work around the house. Stress levels increase in your home when either one of you is unhappy about unfinished chores.
Couples fight over who does what around the house almost as much as they fight over money. Many surveys and studies point out that even though many women work outside the home, they still tend to do most of the household chores. The Partnership of Marriage Marriage is in many ways a business partnership. The business is running the house. That means keeping financial records, maintenance, shopping, planning, cleaning, cooking, child care, transportation, etc. When the business runs smoothly, there is more peace and harmony. However, if friends drop in and the house is a mess, or a child needs a ride to a football practice and the car is out of gas, or if there's no clean clothes to wear, or you run out of milk, or it really rains hard and the leaky roof wasn't fixed because of procrastination ... then irritations grow, misunderstandings surface, and the result is conflict. Statistics About Chores Doing chores is a dull, repetitive experience for most people. That's why folks don't like to do them. Courtney Ronan writes that according to an MSNBC survey, respondents were asked if the chores in their households were performed by just one person or if they were shared. The results were telling: 74 percent of men said the chores were shared; 51 percent of women said chores were shared. Twenty-six percent of men said one person did the housework; 49 percent of the women said the same. Setting Mutual Priorities When a couple can divide chores in a way that both spouses feel satisfied with the outcome, they are showing mutual respect for one another. It is important for the two of you to set mutual priorities concerning the maintenance of your home and yard. Dialogue Question George Eliot wrote, What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? Do you make life less difficult for each other, or more difficult? How does your answer make you feel? Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 6 Many have said that "Good lovers are made, not born." If you truly want your sexual relationship to be all that it can be, take time this week to communicate with one another your thoughts and your feelings concerning your sexual relationship. Importance of Frequent Sex in Marriage Reasons to Have Sex With Your Spouse More Reading Rekindling Passion Marital Sex Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 7 Sometimes watching a movie together and then discussing it can help you deal with problems and issues in your marriage. Cinema therapy is becoming more widespread in therapeutic situations. This week, watch some movies about marriage together! Watch a Movie Together! Recommended Movies
Top General Marriage Movies These movies include classics like It's a Wonderful Life and The Four Seasons and cover marital issues like commitment, growing old together, communication and the importance of relationships. Marriage During the Holidays Movies Movies About Newlyweds Teen Marriage Movies Romance and Falling in Love Hollywood loves romance and so do we! There are so many fantastic romance movies to enjoy with one another. Here are some of our favorites. Romantic Comedies Engagement and Courting Movies Movies About Weddings Difficult Times Sometimes being married is like riding a roller coaster with lots of twists and turns, and ups and downs. These movies are about getting through hard times, learning how to let go, and being able to forgive. Opposites Attract Movies Marriage and Family It's said that we can pick our friends, but not our relatives. These movies have themes concerning family issues. Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 8 There's always more to learn about one another no matter how long you've been together. Take time this week to discuss the following statements with each other. Ways to Know One Another Statements to Compare No matter how long you've been together, there are always more things to learn about one another. If the two of you disagree on some of these statements, talk about them in more depth. You may find that you will just have to agree to disagree now and then! Instructions for Using the Statements I prefer red wine to white wine. I squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. Valentine's Day is important to me. I prefer cats to dogs for house pets. I do not want animals as house pets. I enjoy cooking. ~~~~ I think it is OK to ask our parents for advice in financial matters. I prefer waterbeds to regular beds. Quality time to me is the two of us alone. I want children right away - at least within the first three years. It is all right for a couple to live together before marriage.
I would like to have a child of my own sex even if it means trying again after we have reached the number of children that we have agreed on. ~~~~ I want a one level house. I like to tell gross jokes. I would be open to adoption if we can't conceive children on our own. Smoking bothers me. We will mutually decide on our children's names. I prefer reading to watching TV. ~~~~ It is OK to charge things like clothes, travel and other expenses on charge cards and carry the credit balance for a few months before paying it off. Hair left on soap in the shower bothers me. I enjoy improving my home with paintings, sculptures, etc. I like apples more than oranges. I like my home to be a place where friends gather informally. I obey the posted speed limit. ~~~~ I would shower together with my spouse. I'm an impulsive spender. I believe we will save more than $200 from our income each month. It is important that we eat dinner together as a family. I would not mind vacationing by myself sometimes. I would enjoy visiting an art museum. ~~~~ My fiance will say that I get along well with his/her parents. I see nothing wrong with the man being the primary cook in our house. I don't like anyone to use my pen. I would rather be cremated than buried. We should make a will within six months of marriage. I would be willing to move to advance my spouse’s career. ~~~~ I save recyclable materials. Both of us should work after we have children. The most important thing we can give our children is security. I like to watch TV in bed. I would prefer attending a party to reading. I enjoy dinner by candlelight. ~~~~ Asking for a date is only a man's prerogative. We will open our gifts on Christmas Eve. I am sometimes the life of the party. I feel comfortable discussing sex. I believe that clothes should be separated by fabric and/or color before washing. I believe prayer is an important part of my life. ~~~~
I like beards on men. There is a correct way to hang toilet paper. I like to watch sports on TV. I like meat and potatoes better than casserole. I believe that clothes should be line-dried rather than machine dried. Good sex ends in mutual climax. ~~~~ I enjoy country music. Religious training is important for children. We will open a joint bank account. I like ketchup on eggs. I believe regular church attendance is important. I believe that the toilet should be covered by the lid when not in use. ~~~~ If there is something between us we should talk it out before having sex. I enjoy dinner by candlelight. I prefer to live in a condo or apartment rather than an individual house. I prefer comedy movies to horror movies. It will be OK to borrow money from our parents if we need to. I enjoy classical music. ~~~~ Religion should play an important part in one's life. When I get mad, I need time to cool down, then I can talk. Excessive drinking is always unacceptable. The word later can mean more than one day. I prefer chocolate much more than vegetables. I think it is OK to call mom once a day to chat and see how things are going. ~~~~ I am more of a leader than a follower. Sex is the most important factor in a successful relationship. I find profanity in a social gathering objectionable. We will both be involved in cooking, house cleaning, laundry and yard work. I believe that prayers are answered. Infidelity is grounds for divorce. ~~~~ I like to sleep in the nude. I believe we both should have life insurance and should buy it asap. It is important that we attend church together on a regular basis. I want a pet. We will have sex whenever I want to. Warmth and affection are important in a happy marriage. ~~~~ Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage Be honest. Support one another's goals and achievements. Respect each other.
Take time to share dreams and goals on a regular basis with your spouse. Consider daily dialogue as a means of improving your communication. Laugh together at least once a day. Fight fair. Be willing to forgive. Remember kindness towards each other is a great gift. Share your daily expectations. Make decisions about finances, disciplining the children, chores, vacations, etc., together. Take time to be alone together working on your intimacy. Schedule dates or romantic getaways. Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 9 Celebrating your special days and remembering meaningful moments and times is an important way to enhance your marriage. This week look at ways you can have fun, be alone together, and celebrate your anniversary or other special days. Celebrate! Simple Ways to be Romantic Married couples deserve romance, too! Being romantic isn't just for couples who are dating. Here are simple ways you can be romantic in your marriage all through the year. Make a decision to be romantic. Enjoy a full moon together. Call your spouse during the day and say something romantic. Hold hands. Leave a romantic love note for your mate to find. Suggest going for a romantic walk together and hold hands. Remember to give a lingering kiss for no reason at all. Say "I love you." Watch a classic romantic movie together. Lie down on a blanket in your backyard and watch the clouds or stars. Send a romantic card. Plan a romantic, candlelight dinner. Pick a flower to put in a bud vase. Write a romantic loveletter. Nibble on your spouse's ear and whisper something sweet or spicy. Schedule an evening to have a romantic date with one another. Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 10 Daily dialogue requires that you take twenty minutes out of your day to connect with your mate on a feeling level. Take no more than ten minutes to write a letter to your spouse on a question that the two of you have agreed to write on. Then sit down together, exchange your letters, read them, and then discuss your feelings about what you've just read. This shouldn't last more than ten minutes. Many couples who commit to dialoguing for 90 days straight often find their relationship deepened, and continue to write and dialogue with one another on a regular basis.
Dialoguing Resources How to Share What is in Your Heart It's easy to share your thoughts, the information that's in your brain. However, it is not so easy to share the depth of your feelings that live in your heart. By sharing what is in your heart with your spouse, you can achieve deeper intimacy. Here is a simple how to on how to share your feelings. Difficulty: Average Time Required: varies Here's How: Recognize the difference between thoughts and emotional (not physical) feelings. Use the 'I think vs. I feel' rule. If you can substitute the words 'I think' for 'I feel' in a sentence, then you have expressed a thought and not a feeling. Name the feeling. Use a list of feeling words if this is difficult. Describe the feeling by writing it in such a way that your spouse can experience your feeling to the same degree. Share your feeling with your spouse. Accept that feelings are neither right nor wrong. It's the behavior that results because of the feeling that has the morality. Accept that feelings come and go and change quickly. Try to not judge yourself or your spouse because of feelings. Tips: Rejecting a feeling is rejecting the person feeling it. Don't say things like 'Don't worry, be happy' or 'You shouldn't feel that way.' Don't make decisions based on feelings. Share your feelings with each other daily. What You Need: Openness Honesty Willingness to Make Time for Each Other Committment Acceptance Dialogue Tips Here are hints to make your daily dialogue more successful. Daily dialogue is great, but don't stop all together just because you miss some days. Be flexible as to when you will dialogue. You don't have to do it the exact same time each day. Remind yourself that you are only spending 20 minutes a day doing this. Ten minutes for writing and ten minutes talking to one another. Have a supply of questions readily available. Don't ask why your partner wrote or said something. This is a time for listening. If you are apart, utilize email, a chat room, or write daily, then read them all when you are back together and have one discussion about them. Focus on your feelings rather than your thoughts. Don't try to change your spouse through dialogue. Remember to separate when you write if you are writing at the same time.
Don't go over the ten minutes writing and ten minutes talking.
