Avenue Q Libretto

GYS T0 3*TR*T 3& 24R P4R*.

KATE That" gro""@ 7o$ 7o$ are a perert@

PRINCETON 3 -a"t$rbate@

TREKKIE hh# "tic+" and "tone"# !ate Mon"ter.

TREKKIE LL T0& <7& <*3P T03R 2L3& 24R 

KATE  *o# really. 7o$re 7o$re a perert. *or-al people dont dont "it ho-e all day and loo+ at porn in the 3nternet.

GYS P4R*@ P4R*@ P4R*@

TREKKIE 4hhhhh...

KATE The 3nternet i" *4T for porn@

KATE

WhatA TREKKIE 7o$ hae noooo idea. [calling offstage$  Ready# nor-al peopleA

GYS P4R*@ P4R*@

KATE 0old on a "econd@ *o6# 3 happen to +no6 for a fact that yo$# Rod# chec+ yo$r  portfolio and trade "toc+" online. online. ROD That" correct. KATE nd Brian# yo$ b$y thing" on -azon.co-@ BRIAN

KATE 3 hate porn. TREKKIE RB 74
&$re. KATE nd ary# yo$ +eep "elling yo$r po""e""ion" on eBa y@ GARY

GYS P444R*@ P444R*@ P444R*@ KATE 3- leaing@

7e" 3 do. KATE nd Princeton# yo$ "ent -e that "6eet online birthday card. PRINCETON

GYS P444R*@ P444R*@ P444R*@ KATE 3 hate the 3nternet.

Tr$e. TREKKIE B$t !ate... 6hat yo$ thin+ he do 2TRA [PRIC!"O nods$ KATE 666666@@ GYS T0 3*TR*T 3& 24R P4R*. KATE

ro""@ GYS T0 3*TR*T 3& 24R P4R*.

TREKKIE [C*anting$ The internet i" for  TREKKIE, ROD, !n PRINCETON 3nternet i" for  GYS 3nternet i" for P4R*@

ACT 1, SCENE 6 – Avenue Q, ou*'"e B)"!n 7 C8)"'*+!' Eve&' !(!)*+en* C.E. 0ey# Rod@ 0o6 it hangingA

appoint-entA Maybe 3 too efficient. Maybe 3 "ho$ld "pread -y helping o$t. Why RodA 'o yo$ need "o-e helpingA ROD Well# 3 hae thi" friend.

ROD 0ello# ,hri"t-a" e@ 3 got yo$r 6edding initation.

C.E.

 *ic+yA C.E. re yo$ co-ingA ROD Well# here" -y R&1P. BRIAN [ticks *is *ead out of a window$ 0ey# honey# honey# 6hat" all thi" abo$t $" getting -arriedA C.E. Thin+ of it li+e a "$rpri"e party. BRIAN ,ool@ [Closes window&$ window&$ ROD 6# 6# 3 thin+ it" 6onderf$l yo$ hae "o-eone "o "pecial in yo$r life. C.E. re yo$ o+ay# RodA ROD ,hri"t-a" e# yo$re a therapi"t# rightA C.E. 3 hae t6o -a"ter" degree".

ROD  *o# no# another friend. nd nd 3 thin+ he ha" a ery big proble-. 3# $h# thin+ -y friend i"... he i"... gay. C.E. What 6rong 6ith thatA 7o$ +no6# Rod# gay people -a+e -aFor contrib$tion to art and philo"ophy and literat$re for -any h$ndred" of year" no6. ROD B$t -y friend i"nt an arti"t. 0e" a Rep$blican. nd an ine"t-ent ban+er. C.E. 4h. Well tell hi- to "tay in clo"et then. 0e good for nothing. ROD 4+ay# fine. Than+" for the adice. C.E. [Laug*ing$ 7e [Laug*ing$ 7eah# ah# 3 6o$ldnt 6ant a friend li+e that@ ROD [Laug*ing as well$ *oooo. well$  *oooo. Than+" again@ Bye@ Bye@ C.E. Bye no6@

[C1RI"M !2! e%its&$ ROD &o yo$ help people 6ho hae all +ind" of proble-"A

ROD

&hit@ C.E.  *obody 6ant to co-e to -e for helping. helping. 3 -eet 6ith people# 6e tal+ee for an ho$r# then they go a6ay and neer co-e bac+. 3 6onder 6hyA - 3 fixing the- in one

ACT 1, SCENE 9 – K!*e&' !(!)*+en* KATE Princeton.

0 L3!& M. 3 T03*! 0 L3!& M. B
Than+".  M3 TP. 0 M'  M3 TP. 0 W& W& T03*!3* 42 M# W03,0 &04W& 0 ,R&

&4MT3M W0* &4M4* 0&  ,R<&0 4* 74< T07LL M! 74<  M3 TPT4 31 74<  ,L< :74<1 4T  2R3*'#; :T0 T0M 2R4M 2R3*'&#; :T0T& W0T 2R3*'& R 24R.; &hit. 4h# b$t loo+@ : W04L *W W4RL'#; :!3&& T0 3RL#; :M ,0R3 M4
 *ot yet. PRINCETON 4h# it" great. ,hec+ it o$t. KATE :&T<,! 4* 74<#; PRINCETON :L41 M '4#; KATE :M7 0RT W3LL 4 4*.; 3 loed Titanic@

PRINCETON 3t 6a" alright.

7e"A

PRINCETON :&0& 4T  W7#;

PRINCETON What are yo$ doing tonightA

KATE :7&TR'7#;

KATE rading ter- paper"... b$t it" +indergarten "o theyre ery "hort. WhyA

PRINCETON :44'*30T &34*; 2ro- the R$""ia concert@

PRINCETON eryone" going to hear thi" "inger at the ro$nd the ,loc+ ,afe. 'o yo$ 6ant to go 6ith -eA

KATE reat. :T0R4<0 T0 7R&#;

KATE Li+e# a dateA

PRINCETON :T0 T0M 2R4M ,0R&#; KATE :M413* R30T L4*.;  *ice tape.

KATE

PRINCETON &$re# a date. 3tll be a bla"t. KATE 3d loe to co-e. PRINCETON 4+ay. Well# Well# $h# 3ll "ee yo$ then.

PRINCETON There" one -ore... :3 01 T4 &7 3 L41 74< 3*  &4*.;

4+ay.

KATE Princeton# that" "o "6eet@ 3e neer gotten "$ch a nice pre"ent fro- a g$y.

Bye@

PRINCETON 666. 666. 3- glad yo$ li+e it. B$t 3e got to r$n no6. 3- going to -a+e one for Brian and ,hri"t-a" e# and ary# and *ic+y and Rod# and Tre++ie Mon"ter# and eeryone@

KATE Bye@ [PRIC!"O e%its&$ 0e li+e" -e@

KATE

4h. PRINCETON nd $-...

KATE

PRINCETON

ACT 1, SCENE : – T8e A)oun *8e C0o#$ C!;e.

KATE

7o$@ BRIAN 3 M *4T WR3* <*'RWR T4'7@  *4# 3M *4T WR3* <*'RWR T4'7 T4'7@@  *4T T0T T0T 74< 74< PR4BL7 ,R M<,0 B4
BRIAN &o. 0ere" the 6o-an yo$ all ca- e to "ee. The ro$nd the ,loc+ i" pro$d to  pre"ent# fre"h fro- her 6orld to$r headlining in -"terda-# Bang+o+# and ,elebration# 2lorida# plea"e gie a 6ar- hand to the "tar of irl" one Wild Part" ?# N# and O# L$cy the &l$t@

[L7C, enters$ C.E. et a Fob@ BRIAN Than+ yo$... honey. B$t dont -oe a - $"cle# ladie" and gentle-en. Well ll be right  bac+ 6ith o$r headline perfor-er@ GARY &o# Tre++ie# yo$ neer leae yo$r apart-ent. What -ade yo$ drag yo$r f$rry a"" o$t hereA

LCY 3 ,* M! 74< 2L &P,3L W0* 3T &<,!& T4 B 74< LT M M! 74< 2L &P,3L 24R * 04
TREKKIE 4h# -e "ee pict$re" of next "inger on 3nternet. 0o ho ho@

Wo6. [ll t*e guys c*eer and catcall as L7C, sultrily walks around t*e cafe$

[PRIC!"O and '"! enter$ PRINCETON 4h# there" an e-pty table. KATE Let" grab it. PRINCETON Ladie" fir"t. KATE 6# 6# yo$re "$ch a gentle-an Princeton. PRINCETON Well# yo$ too. 3 -ean# yo$ loo+ a +noc+o$t tonight.

LCY 7eah# 7eah# theyre real. W0* WR T4T0R T0 RT0 W3LL &0! *' T0 &TR& W3LL 2LL 3*T4 T0 &. &4 ,4M 4* BB7# LT '4W* 74
[ll applaud as L7C, e%its$

BRIAN [1eads "R!''I! off as *e tries to follow L7C,$  *o# Tre++ie@ TREKKIE 4h# b$t Brian@ BRIAN

BEAR 41 at "o-e. KATE  *o than+ yo$. BEAR 41 4h# F$"t a little ittle "ip.

 *o@ TREKKIE 4h. Me hae to h$rry ho-e. *4W@ ["R!''I! e%its$ PRINCETON Wo6. Wo6. That L$cy" "o-ething# i"nt "heA KATE &he" "o-ething. PRINCETON !ate# co$ld 3 get yo$ a drin+A

KATE 3 really "ho$ldnt. BEAR 41 B$t it" only a Long 3"land ice tea. BEAR 42 Theyre "o "6eet and delicio$". THE BEARS Pleeeeaaa"e@ KATE Well# one "ip cant h$rt. ,heer"# Princeton@

KATE 3ll get a 6ater. 3 got to be chipper to teach to-orro6. 3t" a big day. The The teacher 3a""i"ting i" going into the ho"pital to-orro6 -orning "o 3 hae the entire cla"" to -y"elf. nd if 3 do 6ell it co$ld -ean a big career boo"t@

PRINCETON ,heer". 0ere" to yo$# !ate Mon"ter.

["*e "1! B!R enter$

7ay@

THE BEARS 0ey g$y"@

KATE That" delicio$"@

BEAR 41 We bro$ght bro$ght yo$ "o-e Long 3"land ice tea"@

BEAR 41 Why dont yo$ play a drin+ing ga-eAThat" the recipe for f$n.

KATE 4h# yo$re "o adorable@ Who are yo$A

KATE 3 dont +no6 any drin+ing ga-e". 'o yo$# PrincetonA BEAR 42 4h# 3 +no6 one@ 3t" called :3 Bet 3 ,an 'rin+ 2a"ter Than 7o$ ,an.;

THE BEARS

BEAR 42 Were yo$r friend". 0ae a drin+@

THE BEARS >8?88o@ [PRIC!"O and '"! drink t*eir Long Island ice teas 8uickly$ 7ay@ 7ay@ 3t 6a" a tie. Re-atch@ KATE o"h# that" n$--y. THE BEARS nother ro$nd@

PRINCETON 0i# 3- Princeton. LCY L$cy. Man# 3- beat. 3 "till haent fig$red o$t 6here 3- gonna cra"h tonight. BEAR 41 &ee her boob"@ BEAR 42

KATE 3ll get the next one# Princeton. PRINCETON

&hhh@ LCY ll 3 need i" a 6ar- -attre""# yo$ +no6A

reat@ KATE 3ll be bac+ in a "econd. BEAR 42 Thi" ti-e# !ate# let" get large". KATE 4oooo8+aay. BEAR 41 0ey# Princeton@ 0o6" the date going# h$hA PRINCETON Pretty 6ell# 3 thin+. BEAR 41 Well yo$ F$"t hang in there# little -a n. 7o$re 7o$re gonna get "o-e tonight if yo$ +eep 6or+ing at it. J$"t +eep yo$r eye on the prize. 4oh# 6o6@ Loo+ 6ho" co-ing@

PRINCETON Well# -ine" pretty cold# $"$ally. LCY 3t 6o$ldnt be cold for long. Where" yo$r padA KATE [Rus*ing o.er *astily$  The drin+" 6ill be right oer# Princeton. Why# hello. LCY 3ll hae a "cotch on the roc+". KATE 3- not a 6aitre"". PRINCETON L$cy# 3d li+e yo$ to -eet !ate Mon"ter. LCY 66# 66# yo$re dating a -on"ter. 3 dated a -on"ter once# b$t 3 got "ic+ of pic+ing the f$r o$t of -y teeth.

[L7C, enters$ LCY What" $pA

KATE Well if yo$r teeth are the proble- 3 co$ld ta+e o$t a co$ple...

PRINCETON 4+ay# L$cy# L$cy# it 6a" nice tal+ing to yo$. LCY 0ae f$n 6ith yo$r -on"ter. B$t 6hen yo$re ready for a real 6o-an# yo$ +no6 6here to find -e. [L7C, e%its$ PRINCETON Man !ate# 3- "orry. KATE  *o# 3 $nder"tand. 7o$re 7o$re irre"i"tible i" all. PRINCETON &he F$"t +no6" "he cant co-pare to yo$. KATE 3 thin+ yo$re 6onderf$l# Princeton. PRINCETON 7o$re 7o$re not bad yo$r"elf# !ate. BEAR 41 Ta+e her ho-e@ BEAR 42 &he" 6a"ted@ PRINCETON 0ey# c$t that o$t@ ['"! is acting .ery drunk$ !ateA KATE

0---A PRINCETON 3# $h# 3 thin+ yo$ loo+ really bea$tif$l tonight. KATE 4h# Princeton. 7o$ 7o$ loo+ "o hand"o-e 3 co$ld eat yo$ alie. [PRIC!"O and '"! e-brace .ery energetically and noisily$

THE BEARS More drin+"@ More f$n@ 7ay@

ACT 1, SCENE < – T8e v!)"ou' =e)oo+' o; Avenue Q [2arious [2arious -oans and cries can be *eard fro- PRIC!"O and '"!# w*o are .ery ani-ated in bed$

PRINCETON AND KATE

hhgh@ [ p*one rings$

KATE 4h -y god# Princeton@ Right there# that" the "pot. That" the "pot@ 4+ay# o+ay# a little lo6er.

GARY aaary ,ole-an@ 7o$ 7o$ hear 6hatA 0ell no# 3 6ont tell the- to $iet do6n@

PRINCETON  little lo6er.

KATE re 6e being to lo$dA

KATE 4+ay# no6 to the left.

PRINCETON 7eah# 7eah# are 6e bothering "o-eoneA

PRINCETON To the left# o+ay.

GARY 4h# no# not at all +id". 7o$ +eep doing 6hat yo$ doing.

KATE  *o# -y left.

Lo$der@

PRINCETON 4h# yo$r left. 4+ay. 4h -y god# !ate# oh -y god# no one" eer to$ched -e li+e thi" before. 7o$ 7o$ cant p$t yo$r finger there... p$t yo$r finger there@ GARY [Backed up by "1! B!R$ 74< ,* B & L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T W*T W0* 74<R M!3* L41 (W0* 74<R M!3* L41) 7eah@ 74< ,* B & L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T W*T W0* 74<R M!3* L41 (W0* 74<R M!3* L41) 7eah@ 74< ,* B & L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T W*T W0* 74<R M!3* L41 (W0* 74<R M!3* L41) GARY AND THE BEARS 74< ,* B & L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*8T<0@ W*8T<0@

THE BEARS

GARY 74<R *4T LL4W' T4 B L4<' T T0 L3BR7 T T0 RT M<&
GARY, THE BEARS, KATE, PRINCETON B & L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T

GARY

WhatA GARY, THE THE BEARS, KATE, PRINCETON, BRIAN, C.E. W0* 74<R M!3* L41@
C.E. 7e"@ Wor+ yo$r -a-a@ ALL L4<' & T0 0LL 74< KATE 4h yeah# that" it@ BRIAN 4oh babe@ PRINCETON 0oly co6@ TREKKIE

BRIAN Who" yo$r 'addy@ C.E. WhatA Blian@ ALL L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T# GARY

70@ ALL L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T GARY &-ac+ it and lic+ it and r$b it and "$c+ it@ ALL L4<' & T0 0LL 74< W*T#

ah@ ALL L4<' & T0 0LL 74< L4<' & T0 0LL 74< (74< 4TT B L4<') L4<' & T0 0LL 74< L4<' & T0 0LL 74< (74< 4TT B L4<') L4<' & T0 0LL 74< L4<' & T0 0LL 74< (74< 4TT) GARY  *o6 t*at6s 6hat t*at6s 6hat 3- tal+in abo$t@ ALL L4<' & T0 0LL 74< L4<' & T0 0LL 74< L4<' & T0 0 LL 74< (L4<') W*T@

ACT 1, SCENE > – Ro !n N"#$%&' !(!)*+en*, K!*e&' !(!)*+en*

NICKY 3 loe yo$ Rod.

MAN -ON VIDEO

,o-

ROD What did yo$ "ayA

5OMAN -ON VIDEO Mit-ent.

NICKY 3 loe yo$r little la$gh.

MAN

,o-

ROD  *ic+yA re yo$ a6a+eA

5OMAN Mit-ent.

NICKY Ta+e off yo$r "hirt.

MAN

,o5OMAN Mit-ent. MAN

ROD 4h# *ichola"# hae yo$ been "hy all thi" ti-eA 0ae 6e been hiding fro- each otherA 3 6onder.

LL T04& *30T& 3 L7 3* B' T04<0T& 42 74< R<**3* T0R4<0 M7 0'

,o5OMAN Mit-ent. ,o--it-ent.

[Lig*ts co-e up on RO+ and IC',# w*o are in separate beds$ ROD 3t "$re can get lonely at night. *ic+y@ 7o$ a6a+eA NICKY
NICKY 3 +no6# p$t -y ear-$ff" on the coo+ie. ROD B
T0T W0T 31 LW7& 'RM' 42 W& M*T T4 B 74< *' M# M *' 74< 2*T&3& ,4M TR<@ 74< *' M L31' 3* 2*T&7 B
ROD &4 R 74<

PRINCETON !ate# that 6a" a-azing.

BOTH 2*T&3& ,4M TR<

KATE 7o$re a-azing.

KATE *' *4W

PRINCETON 3 6ant yo$ to hae thi". 3t" a penny 3 carry aro$nd 6ith -e for good l$c+. 3t" frothe year 3 6a" born. &eeA Who +no6"# -aybe itll bring yo$ good l$c+. 3t did for -e. 3 fo$nd yo$.

ROD *' *4W

3 W*T 74< T4 !*4W T0 T3M T0T W1 &P*T 04W RT 3T& B*# 04W M<,0 3T& M*T KATE 4&0 3 '4*T !*4W W0T T4 &7 3M RLL7 L' 74< 2L T0T W7 ,< 3M 2R3' T0T 3 L3! 74< M4R T0* 31 1R L3!' *7 <7 B24R ROD ,< *4W KATE ,< *4W ROD M7 L41 KATE M7 L41 BOTH 3M TT3* W0T 31 LW7& B* 'RM3* 42

KATE 40# BB7

KATE 3 &WR  ROD 3 &WR T0T BOTH W0* 74< W*T M# 3M 4** B R30T T0R ROD T4 ,R KATE T4 ,R BOTH 24R 74< KATE T0T& W0T 3M 4** '4 ROD *' M! 74
BOTH ,4M TR< ROD 2*T&3& ,4M TR<.

KATE 3# $h# 3 oer"lept. 3- &4 "orry@ THISTLET5AT 3 "ho$ld neer hae hired a -on"ter.

NICKY 0ey# Rod# b$ddy# yo$re tal+ing in yo$r "leep.

KATE

WhatA ROD 4h# 3 tho$ght yo$ 6ere tal+ing in yo$r "leep

THISTLET5AT 7o$r race i" notorio$"ly lazy.

NICKY  *o# 3 F$"t ca-e to bed. 7o$re 7o$re drea-ing# i" all. 3t "o$nded li+e a nice drea-# tho$gh.

KATE Well better a -on"ter than a crabby old bitch@

ROD 7e"# 7e"# it 6a" a nice drea-.

THISTLET5AT ,rabby old bitche" are the bedroc+ of thi" nation. 3 regret the day 3 hired yo$.

NICKY oodnight@

KATE Well 3 dont care beca$"e 3 $it.

ROD oodnight# *ic+y.

THISTLET5AT  *o# 3- going to fire yo$.

[Lig*ts fade on RO+9IC', and co-e up on PRIC!"O 9'"!&  p*one rings$

KATE 7o$ 7o$ cant fire -e beca$"e 3 $it@

KATE

0ello. THISTLET5AT ood afternoon# !atherine. 7o$ 7o$ -ay recall that yo$ 6ere "$ppo"ed to teach -y cla"" thi" -orning 6hile 3 got -y heart replaced. KATE 4h -y god. THISTLET5AT 7o$ 7o$ left the children $nattended for three ho$r"@ They created their o6n tribal "ociety@ They tried to "acrifice poor little Britney. Where 6ere yo$A@

THISTLET5AT 7o$re 7o$re going to hell# !atherine. KATE &ee yo$ there@ [la-s down p*one$ Wa" 3 too -eanA PRINCETON ood for yo$@ KATE 3 hated 6or+ing for her. 3 can get by on -y "aing" for a 6hile and te-p a bit# and then p$r"$e 6hat 3 really 6ant in -y life.

PRINCETON 7o$r "chool@ KATE

7e". PRINCETON 3 thin+ yo$re really brae# !ate. KATE

7eahA PRINCETON Li"ten. re yo$ going to Brian and ,hri"t-a" e" 6eddingA KATE 4f co$r"e. PRINCETON 3 6a" thin+ing 6e co$ld# yo$ +no6# go together. KATE 4h -y go"h. Well it "ee-" li+e 3 al6ay" go to 6edding" alone. 3 dont +no6 6hat 3d do if 3 6ent 6ith a... a... PRINCETON With a boyfriendA KATE

7eah. PRINCETON ,o-e 6ith -e. KATE Thatd be great. [tarts to tear up$ PRINCETON re yo$ o+ay# !ateA KATE 7eah# 7eah# yeah. 3 F$"t get f$r in -y eye" "o-eti-e".

["*ey s*are a passionate e-brace$

ACT 1, SCENE ? – T8e 5e"n@ 5e"n@ [4R,# dressed dressed in a suit and a yar-ulke# walks down and up t*e stage# -odeling *is outfit& 1e e%its as RO+ and IC', enter and walk down t*e center of t*e  stage&$ ROD 'id yo$ bring the ca-eraA NICKY What ca-eraA

NICKY That 6a" bea$tif$l# 6a"nt it RodA ROD ee. Theyre "o l$c+y to hae each other. NICKY re yo$ $p"et# RodA

ROD
ALL Mazel To@

ROD 3 need a -o-ent to - y"elf# o+ayA [RO+ runs off to t*e corner of t*e stage to sulk$

bicker for a second or two$

ROD  *ic+y# F$"t "hhh@ "hhh@

[People start setting up t*e tent for a :ewis* wedding& '"! and PRIC!"O walk down t*e center aisle&$ PRINCETON !ate# yo$ loo+ bea$tif$l tonight. KATE Than+ yo$@

["*e wedding -arc* plays as C1RI"M !2! enters dressed in an enor-ous# unbelie.ably tacky gown& "R!''I! opens *is window and looks down on t*e  scene$

NICKY  *o# b$ddy# tal+ to -e. What" the -atterA BRIAN 0ey# 6hat" $p 6ith RodA GARY 7eah# 7eah# he" "$re loo+ing do6n in the d$-p" lately. C.E. 0e lonely. 0e need a girlfriend. GARY  girlfriendA 7o$ got to be +idding. RodA C.E. 0e not "o $gly.

GARY nd by the po6er ine"ted in -e# ary ,ole-an# 3 no6 prono$nce yo$ h$"band and 6ife. [BRI steps on a c*alice$

GARY  *o# 3 al6ay" fig$red that Rod 6a" one of tho"e gay".

C.E. Lchai-@

C.E. Rod i" gayA@

[BRI and C1RI"M !2! e-brace and kiss$

BRIAN

3 bet *ic+y 6o$ld +no6. 0ey# *ic+y@ ,o-e oer here. NICKY &$re g$y". What" $pA C.E. We 6ondering if Rod i" a gay. NICKY Well it" f$nny yo$ "ho$ld a"+# beca$"e 3 do thin+ Rod i" gay. 3 al6ay" hae. B$t# yo$ +no6# 3 fig$red if he 6anted to tell -e he 6o$ld. &o# ye". 'efinitely. 3 6o$ld "ay that -y b$ddy Rod i" a clo"eted ho-o"ex$al. ROD  *ic+y@ 0o6 co$ld yo$ "ay that abo$t abo$t -eA NICKY 4h# hi Rod@ ll 3 "aid 6a"# :
[RO+ sta--ers for a -inute$ ROD 3 a- *4T a clo"eted ho-o6hateer@ 3 hae a 6hole life that none of yo$ +no6 abo$t. *ot een yo$# *ic+y@ NICKY 7o$ do# RodA ROD &$re 3 do. 2or exa-pleD 3# 3... 40# 3 W3&0 74< ,4@

0R *M 3& LBRT# &0 L31& 3* 1*,4<1R. &0 ,44!& L3! M7 M4T0R *' &<,!& L3!  0441R. 3 8M3L 0R 1R7 &3*L '7# J<&T T4 M! &
[ll e%it e%cept IC', and RO+$ NICKY

4h# 6hat 3 -eant to "ay# Rod# 6a"# $h# that 3d "till be yo$r b$ddy een if yo$ 6ere gay. ROD  *ic+y# 3 6ant yo$ yo$ o$t of the apart-ent 6hen 3 get bac+. NICKY What# yo$re +ic+ing -e o$tA

3t feel" li+e 3- forgetting "o-ething. KATE 4h# "he" thro6ing the bo$$et@ 3ll be right bac+. PRINCETON P$rpo"e. P$rpo"e@

[In a .ideo# t*e word /P7RPO!0 is slowly transfor-ed into /PROPO!0$ ROD o lie in a par+ for all 3 care@ [RO+ turns and e%its$ NICKY B$t Rod@ 3... oh# gee. 3 g$e"" 3 better try to patch thing" $p 6ith Rod. 3 didnt -a+e hi- -ad on p$rpo"e. PRINCETON P$rpo"e@ C.E. 3 thro6 bo$$et in fe6 -in$te"# !ate Mon"ter. 3 hae eye on good h$"band for yo$. KATE 4h# ,hri"t-a" e@ C.E. 3 -ight thro6 bo$$et to yo$ on p$rpo"e@ PRINCETON

PRINCETON  *oooooo@

[ dissonant .ersion of t*e ;edding Marc* is played as a bride and bridegroowalk around t*e stage 5rankenstein3style and a gigantic 'ate Monster puppet  peers out fro- be*ind t*e apart-ent apart-ent building& PRIC!"O PRIC!"O screa-s t*roug*out t*roug*out t*e w*ole se8uence$ KATE 3 ca$ght the bo$$et# Princeton@ Well# Well# "o-e little girl ca$ght it# b$t "he 6a "nt ery "trong. PRINCETON  *eat# $h... KATE 7o$ alrightA PRINCETON <-# $-... !ateA !a te# 3 hae "o-ething 3 need to "ay.

P$rpo"e. KATE 4h# Princeton# 3 hae "o -$ch f$n 6ith yo$@ PRINCETON 7eah# -e too. KATE 0ey# 6hat are yo$ doing to-orro6A PRINCETON

KATE Princeton# yo$ can tell - e anything@ PRINCETON Li"ten. When 3 -oed here to en$e en$e 9# 3 6a" loo+ing for -y p$rpo"e. KATE 3 re-e-ber. PRINCETON nd# $h# 6ee been "pending "o -$ch ti-e together# and 3e lo"t trac+ of finding

it.

PRINCETON 7o$ 7o$ -ean leaeA KATE


&o... PRINCETON

7eah. KATE &o yo$ dont 6ant to "pend ti-e 6ith -e any-oreA PRINCETON  *o# no# 3 loe being 6ith yo$@ yo$@ KATE 4h# good. Beca$"e 3 tho$ght yo$ -eant... PRINCETON B$t 3 dont 6ant a girlfriend before 3 +no6 -y -i""ion in life. KATE B$t yo$ F$"t "aid 5  PRINCETON 3 cant get tied do6n no6# !ate. 3f 6e "tay together# beliee -e# 6e 6ont een be friend" in the end@ KATE B$t 3- not loo+ing for friend". 3 hae plenty of friend". PRINCETON  7o$ li+e -e# dont yo$A KATE Well... ye"# 3 do. nd 3 thin+ that" 6hy yo$ "ho$ld get o$t of here.

KATE
T0R&  23*# 23* L3* BTW*  L41R *'  2R3*'K T0R&  23* 23* L3* BTW* RL3T7 *' PRT*'K *' 74< *1R !*4W !*4W T3LL 74< R,0 T0 T4P# 32 3T W& W4RT0 T0
ACT 2, SCENE 1 – P)"n#e*on&' !(!)*+en* [PRIC!"O is lying on t*e floor in *is apart-ent$ PRINCETON P$rpo"e. P$rpo"e. P$rpo"e. VOICE 41

o"h# yo$ loo+ "o bl$e@ BEAR 42 Were gonna cheer yo$ $p. BEAR 41 0o6 abo$t a little "-ileA

9$e"t. PRINCETON Who "aid thatA P$rpo"e.

BEAR 42 3 thin+ 3 "ee a "-ile. ["1! B!R pinc* PRIC!"O6s c*eeks w*ile -aking baby noises$ 4h# co-e on Princeton@

VOICE 41

9$e"t.

PRINCETON &orry g$y"# it" not gonna 6or+. VOICE 42

9$e"t.

BEAR 41 J$dge J$dy" yo$r friend@ PRINCETON

P$rpo"e.

BEAR 42 7eah# 7eah# 6atch J $dge J$dy 6hen yo$re all "ad and lo6. VOICE 41

9$e"t.

PRINCETON 3t" not 6or+ing. VOICE 42

9$e"t.

BEAR 41 Well yo$ co$ld al6ay" hang yo$r"elf.

BOTH P$rpo"ele"" no6@ PRINCETON ,$t it o$t. Who" doing thatA

BEAR 42 [Running offstage and reentering wit* a rope$ 7eah# 7eah# 6e fo$nd thi" rope.

[t*e B!R appear&$

PRINCETON 3- not going to hang -y"elf@

THE BEARS 0ey# Princeton@

66.

BEAR 42 6# 6ere F$"t fooling aro$nd. BEAR 41

THE BEARS

PRINCETON ,o$ld yo$ g$y" F$"t go a6ayA BEAR 41 o"h# he" &nappy the T$rtle today. Well 6ell leae the rope# F$"t in ca"e.

 *o than+"# 3- "taying in. PRINCETON

et o$t@

BRIAN 'ont tell -e 3 gotta force yo$.

["1! B!R laug* and e%it&  k nock on t*e door is *eard$ PRINCETON BRIAN [Offstage$ PrincetonA [Offstage$ PrincetonA PRINCETON

7eahA [BRI enters t*roug* t*e door$ BRIAN Li"ten# b$ddy. *o one" "een yo$ for t6o 6ee+". What" $p 6ith thatA PRINCETON 3 6ent to 6or+ for a te-p agency# b$t they fired -e for being too depre""ing on the  phone. 3 -axed o$t -y card"# 3- t6o -onth" behind in the rent# 3 totally -e""ed $p -y per"onal life... 4h# and Brian# 3 "till haent fo$nd -y p$rpo"e@ BRIAN lright# get off yo$r a"" and "top 6orrying@ eryone" getting together to -e"" aro$nd the city today.

&orry. BRIAN ll right# eeryone. 0e" re"i"ting@ [4R,# C&!&# "R!''I!# IC',# and BRI enter$ C.E. AND GARY T0R 3& L32 4
PRINCETON 0ae f$n. BRIAN When 3 "ay :eeryone; that incl$de" 74<@ T0R 3& L32 4
66@ BRIAN T0R&  3RL P&&3* B7... NICKY  *4# 3 T03*! 3T&  <7@ ALL -E/CEPT PRINCETON *'  04ML&& M* W04 4*L7 W*T& T4 B<7 &4MT03* T4 T &orry. ,ant help yo$. ALL -INCLDING PRINCETON W ,4
TREKKIE Pic+ $p girl" at *.7.<.@ BRIAN W ,4
ALL T0R 3& L32 4
[L7C, enters$

4r not@ ALL T0R 3& L32 4
[4uns*ot< Cras*<$

GARY, NICKY, NICKY, TREKKIE, AND BRIAN T! 0R 04M T4 & 74
ALL [crea-$  0@ T0R 3& L32 4
PRINCETON  *4T T44 2R@ 2R@

O33STAGE VOICE 3- gonna F$-p@

PRINCETON Well be fine@ Than+ yo$@ &ee ya@

ALL 'ont do it@

C.E 0ope yo$ dont get gonorrhea@

O33STAGE

4+ay@ ALL -IN A 2PART GYGIRL CANON T0R 3& ,44L &03T T4 '4# B
BOYS W ,4
ALL T0R 3& L32 4
3T& T3M T4 4 04M@ TREKKIE -SIMLTANEOS -SIMLTANEOS M 43* 04M *4W# T0T& T0T& W0R M 4** 4 *4W. M 43* 04M *4W# T0T& T0T& W0R M 4** 4 *4W. M 43* 04M *4W# T0T& T0T& W0R M 4** 4 *4W@ C.E., NICKY, GARY, BRIAN T0R 3& L32 4
3 haent "een yo$ aro$nd. KATE

M-8h-. [L7C, enters and PRIC!"O walks o.er to *er$ LCY 7o$ 7o$ gonna "ho6 -e $p"tair"A PRINCETON 7eah# L$cy. 4ne "econd# o+ayA LCY &$re# baby. 'ont let -y -otor idle too long. [L7C, e%its into Princeton6s apart-ent$ KATE &he a friend of yo$r"A PRINCETON

7eah. KATE 'e"erting p$rpo"eA PRINCETON [1esitating$ !ate# 3 gotta go. [tarts to e%it$ KATE 0ae f$n.

[C1RI"M !2! enters$ [PRIC!"O goes to unlock *is apart-ent door# but turns and spots '"!$ PRINCETON 0ey# !ate Mon"ter@ [walks o.er to '"!$ KATE [;alking [;alking out of *er apart-ent# coldly$ ood eening. PRINCETON

C.E. What the -atter# !ate Mon"terA KATE 3 hate Princeton. 0e" 6ith that L$cy. C.E. 4h# that eil girlA &he "+an+y. B$t that not -a+e Princeton bad per"on# !ate

Mon"ter. KATE 3 dont +no6 any -ore. C.E. B$t yo$ "till feeling for hi-# dont yo$. KATE 3 do feeling for hi-. C.E. &o-eti-e" per"on need ti-e for learning. People al6ay" learning all thro$gh their life. Loo+ at -a-a bird. &he p$"h baby bird o$t of ne"t and that" it. 3f baby bird fly# good for baby. baby. 3f baby bird fall and crac+ head on roc+ and get eaten by cat# then it need to do better next ti-e.

W04 4 4*  'T 'T (Who... 6hatA) W0R 4* 42 T0M 4&# 4T0R 4* 24RR4W& 74< 3*13T3* R<1# 0 R&4 BL3*3* &4LL4W& (h# ye"...) T0 M4R 74< R<1 &4M4*# T0 M4R 74< W*T W*T T4 !3RRM. (0) R<113* *' !3RR3* 23T R3! 0*' 3* R<1 (0*' 3* L41) &4 32 T0R &4M4* 74< R W*T3* &4 T4 !3RRM# 74< 4 *' 23*' 03M *' 74< T 03M# *' 74< *4 !3RRM ,<& ,0*,& 44' C.E. AND KATE 0 3& 74
[C&!& e%its& Lig*ts blackout and a spot *its '"!$ KATE Why cant people get along and loe each other# ,hri"t-a" eA C.E. -KATE 7o$ 7o$ thin+ getting arong "a-e a" r$ingA &o-eti-e" loe right 6here yo$ hating -o"t# !ate Mon"ter.

T0 M4R 74< R<1 &4M4*# T0 M4R 74< W*T W*T T4 !3RRM. T0 M4R 74< R<1 &4M4*# T0 M4R 0 M! 74< ,L7. T04<0 74< R TL7 24R M!3* P, W3T0 T0M *' R<13*# T0T& T0T& W07 74< R<1 &4 &TR4* 74< R3! T4 M! 0 3M '3 T0 M4R 74< R<1 &4M4*# T0 M4R 0 M! 74< ,L7 T0 M4R 74< R<1 &4M4*# T0 M4R 74< W3&03* 03M ''&4MT3M 74< R44! T 03M 03M *' 4*R7 & 2T *' R7# *' W*T3* W*T3* B&BR BT 24R 03TT3* 03M 4* 03& 0'@ R<1... R<1... (L41...) *' 0T... (*' 0T...) T07 R3! T4W BL4T0R&... (BR4T0R&...)

KATE [Reading a letter$ 'ear Princeton# 3t 6a" good to "ee yo$ ye"terday. Li"ten# 3- "orry abo$t 6hat happened# b$t 3d loe to do friend thing" 6ith yo$. 3- going to i"it the ie6ing  platfor- at the -pire &tate B$ilding at -idnight -idnight tonight# and 3d loe for yo$ yo$ to co-e. ,an yo$ -eet -e thereA 3f not# plea"e call a nd let -e +no6. 4ther6i"e# 3 g$e"" 3ll "ee yo$ there. 7o$r"# 7o$r"# !ate Mon"ter. CHORS O3 KIDS -ON VIDEO 2ie night "tand"@ [5i.e nig*t stands are s*own$ VOICE -ON VIDEO 4ne night "tand.

["*e nig*t stands are re-o.ed one by one until only one re-ains$ CHORS O3 KIDS 4ne night "tand@

ACT 2, SCENE 2 – Avenue Q, ou*'"e P)"n#e*on&' !(!)*+en*

ACT 2, SCENE  – Avenue Q, ou*'"e B)"!n 7 C8)"'*+!' Eve&' !(!)*+en* [BRI and IC', enter$

LCY

7eahA KATE 4h# it" yo$. LCY re yo$ the cleaning ladyA

NICKY 3t" been a hard fe6 6ee+"# Brian# 6hat 6ith Rod +ic+ing -e o$t and all. nd 3 F$"t 6anted to "ay than+ yo$ for letting -e "tay 6ith yo$ and yo$r loely bride. BRIAN ct$ally# 3 6anted to tal+ 6ith yo$ abo$t that.

[C1RI"M !2! enters fro- *er apart-ent$ KATE 3 6ill not ri"e to yo$r bait. Where i" PrincetonA LCY 0e" ho"ing off in the " ho6er. 7o$ 7o$ need "o-ethingA KATE 3 6anted to leae hi- thi" note i" all. [ets note on t*e windowsill$ LCY 4h# -an. That +id +ept -e b$"y all night. &ay# baby# baby# yo$ -ind chec+ing to "ee if there are any "tretch -ar+" on - y bac+A

C.E. Brian# yo$ tell hi- to go@ BRIAN 0oney@ 'ont be an idiot. C.E. 3 no do yo$r ho$"e6or+@ 3 no coo+ for yo$ and clean for yo$ and pic+ $p all yo$r dre""ing. 4ne lazy fat a"" eno$gh for thi" lady. Thi" Thi" -orning 3 ta+e a "ho6er# and 3  pic+ $p "oap# and 3 "aying :6ho p$tting p$tting all the"e little green p$bic hair" on "oapA They not belong to -e. They not belong to Brian. Who then co$ld it beA; 3 abo$t to  p$+ing@ &o 6e go -a+e hi- go a6ay@ a6ay@ nd good@

KATE 4h# ye"# 3 "ee the-. 3t loo+" li+e they "ay# :help -e.; [!%its$

[C1RI"M !2! e%its into *er apart-ent$

LCY 0ey +id# yo$ al-o"t done in thereA

NICKY [ta--ering$ B$t... [ta--ering$ B$t... 3... "ee... 3... [C&!& sla-s door s*ut$

PRINCETON [Offstage$ 7eah# 3- drying off.

BRIAN &orry# b$ddy.

LCY 0e doe"nt need to be -e""ing 6ith "o-e -on"ter [+estroys t*e note$

NICKY 3 dont +no6 6here to go. BRIAN 7o$ 7o$ co$ld "tay 6ith Princeton... or !ateA NICKY B$t 3 did already@ nd they +ic+ed -e o$t# too. BRIAN

There" got to be "o-eone 6ho can help yo$ o$t# b$ddy. &orry. &orry.

*' 2L3* RLL7 ,RPP7.

[BRI e%its& IC', notices 4R,# w*o enters reading a newspaper$

NICKY

3ll "ay. NICKY 4h@ Why# $h# good eening there ary@

*' W0* 3 & 04W &' 74< R# 3T &4RT 42 M!& M 0PP7@

GARY

 *ic+y@

NICKY

0appyA NICKY Li"ten# ary. 3 need a place to "tay and 3 6a" 6ondering if 3 co$ld F$"t# yo$ +no6# "leep on yo$r floor. *o6# F$"t till Rod and 3 patch thing" $p. GARY 3 "ee. Well ho6 do 3 p$t thi"# $h... *4.

GARY &4RR7 *3,!7# 0
NICKY  *oA B$t 3e a"+ed eeryone. nd if yo$ dont ta+e -e# 6here 6ill 3 lieA

NICKY That" not ery nice# ary@

GARY What abo$t on the "treetA

GARY 3 didnt "ay it 6a" nice# b$t eerybody doe" it@ 'J 1R ,LP W0*  W3TR&& 2LL& *' 'R4P&  TR7 42 L&&&A

NICKY 7o$ 7o$ -ean 3 "ho$ld be ho-ele""A

NICKY GARY

7eah@

&$re. NICKY That" a terrible 6ay to lie@

*' 3*T 3T 2<* T4 WT,0 23
GARY 4h yeahA Try being a ha"8been at age >N. Loo+# +id. 3 +no6 fro- liing in the d$-p"# b$t loo+ on the bright "ide. Thin+ of all the Foy yo$ll bring to other" 6hen they find o$t F$"t ho6 -i"erable yo$ are.

&$re@ GARY '4*T 7 2L LL WRM *' ,47# WT,03* P4PL 4
NICKY

WhatA NICKY GARY R30T *4W 74< R '4W* *' 4
7o$ bet@

GARY

x" getting &.T.'."@

T0T& BOTH &0'*2R<'@ GARY P4PL T!3* PL&
NICKY Wa+ing Wa+ing door-en fro- their nap"@ GARY Watching Watching to$ri"t" reading -ap"@

[ .ideo appears# s*owing t*e word / "hadn froidU; $

NICKY 2ootball player" getting tac+led@

NICKY &chadenfre$deA What" that# "o-e +inda *azi 6ordA

GARY ,..4." getting "hac+led@

GARY 7$p@ 7$p@ 3t" er-an for :0appine"" at the -i"fort$ne of other"@;

NICKY Watching Watching actor" neer reach

NICKY 0appine"" at the -i"fort$ne of other"A That i" er-an. WT,03* WT,03*  1 TR3* B3* T4L' &0 J<&T T T ,03,!*#

BOTH The ending of their :4"car; "peech@ &,0'*2R<'@ &,0'*2R<'@ &,0'*2R<'@ &,0'*2R<'@

GARY 4R WT,03*  2RT B47 RL3 J<&T W0T 0 P
NICKY 0o6 abo$t "traight :; "t$dent" getting :B;"@ GARY

GARY T0 W4RL' *'& P4PL L3! 74< *' M W041 B* !*4,!' R4<*' B7 2T ,<& W0* P4PL & <& T07 '4*T W*T T4 B <& *' T0T M!& T0M 2L RT NICKY &$re@ W PR413'  13TL &R13, T4 &4,3T7@ BOTH 74< *' M# &,0'*2R<'@ M!3* T0 W4RL'  BTTR PL, M!3* T0 W4RL'  BTTR PL, T4 B@ GARY

[ .ideo flas*es eac* letter as 4R, says it$ &8,8088'88*828R88<8'8@

ACT 2, SCENE 6 – T8e E+(")e S*!*e Bu"0"n@ KATE [On top of t*e !-pire tate Building$ ll tho"e people loo+ li+e ant" do6n there. nd their heart" loo+ abo$t a" tiny a" the one" in"ide the -en 3e dated. Princeton gae -e thi" penny once. 0e "aid it 6a" the "y-bol of hi" hope" and drea-". nd he neer called# li+e 3 a"+ed hi- to# b$t 3 dont "ee hi- any6here# and pretty "oon hell be an ho$r late# if he co-e" at all. PRINCETON [On t*e street below t*e !-pire tate Building$ 0ey# Building$  0ey# L$cy# 6hered yo$ go thi" -orningA 3e been loo+ing all oer for yo$. LCY 6# 6# -an. Why do 3 al6ay" get the clingy g$y"A PRINCETON 7o$ 7o$ left i" all# 6itho$t een "aying goodbye. LCY Li"ten# +id. &orry to be hone"t# b$t loo+ at -e. 3 can hae -y pic+ of the litter. 3f 3 6ant a relation"hip# 3ll find a g$y 6ith a good Fob 6ho ha" a f$t$re and "o-e -oney# and not "o-e 6ell8h$ng baby face +id 6ho leeche" fro- hi" parent" and cant get hi" act together@ PRINCETON 3 thin+ 3 heard a co-pli-ent in there "o-e6here. KATE [bo.e$ 3- going to get rid of thi" "t$pid penny. nd 3ll -a+e a 6i"hD 3 hope# -ore than anything# 3 hope that 3 find "o-eone 3 loe. &o-eone 6ho loe" -e  bac+. ['"! lets out a screa- and *urls t*e penny o.er t*e railing$ &o-eho6# 3 dont feel any better. PRINCETON [Below$ Loo+# [Below$ Loo+# L$cy. 3- only loo+ing for -y p$rpo"e# -y big brea+# -y big reelation. LCY 7o$ 7o$ +no6 the only reelation people hae in life# +iddoA Theyre not "pecial. 7o$re 7o$re not "pecial. 7o$re no l$c+ier or -ore gifted than anyone el"e. PRINCETON

7o$ dont thin+ "oA

 *o@

ACT 2, SCENE 9 – T8e Ho'("*!0 [ .ideo is s*own wit* an !'4 screen& "*e wa.elengt* is in t*e s*ape of two breasts# and t*ere is te%t at t*e botto->/P botto->/ PT3*TD T3*TD L<,7 T. &L
PRINCETON  *o6 6heneer 3 pa"" by thi" place# 3ll thin+ abo$t 6hat yo$ yo$ "aid F$"t no6.

PRINCETON L$cyA ,an yo$ hear -eA

LCY What" "o "pecial abo$t thi" placeA

KATE [!ntering$ Princeton# [!ntering$ Princeton# 3... 3 heard yo$r friend had an accident. 0o6 i" "heA

PRINCETON 7o$ 7o$ -ean here# on Hth and Nth# right next to the -pire &tate B$ildingA

PRINCETON 0er head fell off in the a-b$lance# and the doctor "pent the night "e6ing it bac+ on. B$t the progno"i" i" good.

LCY

[ falling sound is *eard and Lucy6s *ead lolls$ PRINCETON

KATE What happened to herA

L$cyA PRINCETON &o-e idiot thre6 a penny off the -pire &tate B$ilding. KATE [side$ &hit. [side$ &hit. PRINCETON !ate# 6hat are yo$ doing hereA KATE Why didnt yo$ bother to "ay yo$ 6erent co-ingA 3 told yo$ in -y note... PRINCETON What noteA KATE The one 3 left 6ith... [4lances at L7C, and s uddenly understands$ 4h. 3 feel better no6. PRINCETON 0o6 are yo$ !ateA

KATE

0one"tlyA

ACT 2, SCENE : – Avenue Q

PRINCETON 4f co$r"e.

NICKY 0elp the ho-ele""@ 0elp the ho-ele""@ [RO+ enters$ 4h# enters$ 4h# hi Rod@

KATE 3- 6or+ing at Barne" % *oble. 3 -i"" -y "t$dent". 3 6or+ all day and 3- poorer than eer.

ROD 4h# i" that the 6ind 3 hear# r$"tling thro$gh the branche"A

KATE &o-e people" drea-" co-e tr$e# b$t 3 dont thin+ 3- one of tho"e people.

NICKY 4h# li"ten# Rod. 2ro- no6 on# 3ll beliee anything yo$ "ay abo$t yo$r"elf. nd 3 apologize for being "$ch a -e""y roo--ate. nd no6 that 3 hae a place of -y o6n 5 behind that d$-p"ter oer there 5 3 can appreciate ho6 hard it i" to +eep thing" nice. WellA WellA [C&!& enters and watc*es as icky waits for a response$ Well# o+ay# Rod b$ddy. b$ddy. 3ll "ee yo$ aro$nd. [!%its$

PRINCETON 'ont "ay that.

C.E. RodA re yo$ o+ayA

KATE B$t that" the 6ay life i"# Princeton. *obody teache" yo$ that 6hen yo$re a +id  beca$"e if yo$ +ne6# no no one 6o$ld eer drea- or 6ant to gro6 $p. B$t yo$ yo$ cant "top gro6ing $p. 3- late for 6or+. ["urns to lea.e$

ROD 7eah. 7eah. ,hri"t-a" e# can 3 con"$lt 6ith yo$ brieflyA

PRINCETON What abo$t yo$r drea-A

PRINCETON !ate# li"ten. 3 6i"h yo$ 6ere happy. nd 3 6i"h 3 had -y life together# b$t 3 dont# and 3 dont +no6 6hen that" going to happen. nd 3- "o "orry for h$rting yo$r feeling" beca$"e 3 thin+ yo$ are "o "pecial. &orry that 6a"nt -ore artic$late.

C.E. &$re. [RO+ lays down in C&!&6s lap$ What the proble- todayA ROD Well# $h# it" tiny really. 3# $h... C.E.

KATE 3t 6a" perfectly artic$late. 3 really do hae to go.

[Lucy6s !'4 goes flat for a -inute# t*en returns to nor-al$

o on. ROD Many of -y friend" are -arried no6# and no6 that yo$ and Brian... 3... C.E.

o on. ROD Why dont 3 hae "o-eone by -y "ide 6ho -a+e" -e feel "pecial and "afeA &o-eone 6ho loe" -e the 6ay 3 loe the-. [Cries$

C.E.

Rod# yo$ "pecial. Rod# yo$ "afe. ROD 3 -i"" *ic+y. C.E. 3 +no6 yo$ do.

[RO+ sobs into C&!&6s lap as t*e lig*ts co-e up on '"! (standing on t*e .iewing   platfor- of t*e !-pire tate Building)# IC',# and PRIC!"O$ KATE 3 W3&0 3 ,4
PRINCETON 4R 2<,! M7 T.. PRINCETON, NICKY, AND KATE 3 *' * ,'M3, '13&4R T4 P43*T T0 W7@ W ,4
['"! and IC', sig*$ PRINCETON 3 W3&0 3 ,4
NICKY B
ACT 2, SCENE < – Avenue Avenue Q

That" not 6hat 3 -eant.

NICKY 0elp the ho-ele""@ 0elp the ho-ele""@ 4h# hey Princeton@ 0ey# can yo$ "pare a $arterA

NICKY ie -e a fie@

PRINCETON  *ot right no6# *ic+y. NICKY 4h# co-e on@ 7o$ 7o$ +no6 yo$ 6ant to. 0o6 abo$t a di-e# h--A &pare a di-e for yo$r old palA PRINCETON 3 6ant to be alone for a 6hile# o+ayA NICKY 7eah# b$t... PRINCETON Leae -e alone# o+ayA@ NICKY 7o$ 7o$ +no6 6hatA Maybe yo$ "ho$ld "top thin+ing abo$t yo$r"elf. Maybe yo$ "ho$ld try helping "o-eone el"e o$t for a change. Li+e -e. 4h# co-e on Princeton@

PRINCETON re yo$ +iddingA NICKY T0 M4R 74< 31# T0 M4R 74< T# T0T& B3* L31@ LL 3M &!3* 74< 3& T4 '4 W0T J&<& ,0R3&T W4
Than+"@ PRINCETON Ta+e care. Woah@

ie -e a $arter. 0R 3* M7 0T. ,4M 4*# PR3*,T4*# 3T& & &7 & T0T. 0LP3* 4T0R& BR3*& 74< ,L4&R T4 4'# &4 31 M  9<RTR.

NICKY What" the -atterA

PRINCETON 3 dont hae any change.

7o$ doA

NICKY 0-. 4+ay# 31 M  '4LLR#

PRINCETON

PRINCETON 3 feel genero$". 3 feel co-pa""ionate. NICKY

PRINCETON 7eah@ 7eah@ 7eah# 3 feel li+e a ne6 per"on.  good per"on. 0elping other people o$t -a+e" yo$ feel fanta"tic.

NICKY

That" 6hat 3 6a" trying to tell yo$. PRINCETON ll thi" ti-e 3e been r$nning aro$nd thin+ing abo$t -e# -e# -e# and 6here ha" it gotten -eA 3- gonna do "o-ething for "o-eone el"e@

PRINCETON 31 M 74
NICKY

MeA

PRINCETON 31 M 74
PRINCETON  *o# !ate@ 3- going to rai"e the -oney to b$ild that "t$pid "t$pid Mon"ter &chool "he" al6ay" tal+ing abo$t@

31 M 74
WhatA PRINCETON 3 *' 3T 24R !T NICKY 3 need it to eat@ PRINCETON ,4M 4* *3,!7# NICKY 4h# get lo"t@ PRINCETON 3TLL M! 74< 2L RT@ NICKY [side$ &o [side$ &o 6o$ld a b$rger@ PRINCETON W0* 0R 'RM ,4M& TR<# 3TLL LL B PRTL7 T0*!& T4 74< &4 31 M 74
NICKY 3d li+e to# b$t 3- ho-ele"". 3 cant# 3 need it# 3- ho-ele""# 3 cant# 3 need it 3ho-ele""# 3 cant# 3 need it 3- ho-ele""5 [PRIC!"O slaps IC',$ 4+ay# IC',$  4+ay# here yo$ go. PRINCETON Than+ yo$@ NICKY &<''*L7# 3 M 2L3* ,L4&R T4 3'. 3T& T3M T4 &T4P B3* 3T& T3M T4 &TRT 313* W0T ,* 3 31 T4 R4'A

&o-ething hell li+e "o -$ch hell ta+e -e bac+... 3 +no6@ 3ll find hi- a boyfriend@ PRINCETON That" the "pirit@ BOTH W0* 74< 0LP 4T0R&# 74< ,*T 0LP 0LP3* 74
[4R, enters&$ GARY 0ey# boy". What" the hat forA

NICKY Were collecting -oney.

PRINCETON 3t" for !ate. Were rai"ing -oney to help b$ild her drea- "chool. 31 <& 74
We rich@ PRINCETON 31 <& 74
PRINCETON Well# that too...

PRINCETON, GARY, AND NICKY WR R3&3* M4*7 24R  M4*&TR &,044L# B
GARY 3LL 31 74<  '4LLR.

PRINCETON &4<*'& L3! 74<1 4T M4*7 T4 B
PRINCETON 74<R  *TLM* *'  &,04LR@

NICKY *' 3T& *4T L3! M4*7 T0T 74< 0' T4 R*#

[BRI and C&!& enter$

PRINCETON, GARY, AND NICKY &4 31 <& 74
C.E. We "o happy@ We F$"t ret$rn all yo$r 6edding gift" for ca"h@ BRIAN 0oney# dont tell the- that.

C.E.  Mon"ter &choolA BRIAN &o$nd" li+e a good ca$"e.

C.E. We got abo$t t6o tho$"and b$c+"@ BRIAN 7eah# 7eah# "o than+" eerybody@ C.E.

C.E. ie -e yo$r 6allet. PRINCETON 4h -y go"h. 3 dont +no6 ho6 to than+ yo$ g$y". 3 -ean# !a te 6ill be "o gratef$l.

That +ind of -oney i" "$ch a great "tart.

PRINCETON WhaA 2ifteen dollar"A

W0* 74< 0LP 4T0R&# 74< ,*T 0LP 0LP3* 74
C.E. ery little bit help.

C.E. 0o6 -$ch did 6e getA

NICKY Loo+" li+e 6ere gonna hae to a"+ M4R people@

PRINCETON Well# let" "ee@ [Looks into *ats t*at were passed out t*roug* t*e audience$  Be"ide" thi" Metro ,ard 5 6hich 3- +eeping 5 6ell# it" really not ery -$ch at all# i" itA

GARY 7eah. 7eah. 2ifteen dollar"@

[LL turn out to audience$ ALL 31 <& 74
C.E. Tho"e people b$nch of cheap"+ate"@ BRIAN  *eer "ay neer# Princeton. There" "till one -ore per"on per"on 6e hae to hit $p.

["R!''I!6s window opens and *is *ead pops out$ TREKKIE  *o# no# no@ Me b$"y. o a6ay@

h@ ALL 3T& T3M T4 P&& T0 0T# GARY *' T0R& *4T03* 74< ,* '4 B4
C.E. B$t it for a good ca$"e. BRIAN 7eah# co-e on Tre++ie@ TREKKIE 4hh# 6hat in it for M# h--A o a6ay@ [4runt$ PRINCETON 3 g$e"" !ate 6ill neer get her "chool for -on"ter". TREKKIE What yo$ "ayA BRIAN !ate 6ant" to open a "chool for - on"ter".

TREKKIE &chool... for -on"ter"A [4runt$ Me [4runt$ Me neer hear of that@ &,044L 24R M4*&TR&@ &,044L 24R L4*L7 L3TTL M4*&TR&. W0* M L3TTL# 43* T4 &,044L# 4T0R ,03L'R* T03*! M *4T ,44L P4!3* *' P
Me be right bac+@ [ Looks around *is apart-ent and pulls out se.eral sacks of -oney$ 3 gie yo$ ten -illion dollar"@ [drops -oney$ PRINCETON Tre++ie@ Where did yo$ get all that -oneyA TREKKIE 3n olatile -ar+et# only "table ine"t-ent i" P4R*. ALL W0* 74< 0LP 4T0R&# 74< ,*T 0LP 0LP3* 74
[BRI and IC', un.eil a sign reading /M4*&TR&&4R3 / M4*&TR&&4R3 &,044L; $

BRIAN Mo"t of it ca-e fro- a donor 6ho 6i"he" to re-ain anony-o$". GARY Well let" F$"t "ay that 3 chipped in# too. KATE 3 dont +no6 6hat to "ay. BRIAN J$"t "ay than+". KATE Than+ yo$. Than+ yo$# eerybody@ The entire -on"ter co--$nity than+" all of yo$@ BRIAN Li"ten# no6 that eerybody" all gathered here# ,hri"t-a" e and 3 hae an anno$nce-ent. C.E. We getting diorce@ [LL gasp$ 3 gasp$  3 only +idding. B$t# 6e leaing en$e en$e 9. KATE

WhatA C.E. We -arried no6. 3t" right to -oe on. &o 6e -oe to nicer neighborhoodD to Lo6er a"t &ide.

GARY 3t" yo$r "chool# !ate@ BRIAN nd here" a chec+ 6ith eno$gh -oney to renoate the b$ilding. C.E. nd yo$ can hire teacher" and cafeteria ladie" and -a+e a real# 6or+ing "chool for -on"ter". We all rai"e the -oney. KATE 7o$ -ean all that -oney# for -eA

KATE B$t yo$ cant leae@ BRIAN ,o-e on# g$y". Well "till +eep in to$ch. 4h# and there" another rea"on. 3"tarting a ne6 career. 3- a con"$ltant@ C.E. 3 not +no6 6hat that i"# b$t 3 "o pro$d of hi-. nd 3 hae good ne6" too. 3 finally get a reg$lar client. 3 a paid therapi"t@

NICKY 4hA Who i" yo$r clientA

3- "o "orry. 7o$re 7o$re -y be"t friend. 3e -i""ed yo$ "o -$ch. Will yo$ -oe bac+ in 6ith -eA NICKY 4h@ Well# if it -a+e" yo$ happy# Rod.

C.E. 4h# 3 not allo6ed to "ay. B$t 3 "eeing hi- "een ti-e" a 6ee+ at one t6enty8fie an ho$r. 0e need a rot of help. We 6or+ thro$gh hi" i""$e" and he co-e o$t other "ide an integrated per"on.

ROD 3t 6o$ld.

KATE 3 bet 3 +no6 6ho it i".

lright.

C.E. 0e -$ch better. NICKY 4oh@ 7o$ -ean RodA

NICKY

[RO+ and IC', c*eer and e-brace$ NICKY 0ey# Rod# g$e"" 6hat 3 did@ ROD

C.E. 3 not allo6ed to "ay. BRIAN &ay# 6here i" he# any6ayA et hi- o$t here@

WhatA NICKY 3 p$t a per"onal ad all oer the 3nternet 6ith yo$r pict$re on it.

[Cras*<$

ROD 7o$ did 6hatA@

C.E. od da--it@

NICKY nd 3 fo$nd "o-eone eeerry "pecial.

[RO+ enters$

[RO+ ob=ects w*ile IC', runs offstage to get RIC',$ NICKY RodA RodA 3 6ant yo$ to -eet Ric+y.

ROD La la la@ ,ha-pagne for eerybody@ 4h# 3e got "o-e ne6"@ C.E. 4h# Rod# yo$ o+ay@ ROD nd yo$re o+ay too. [Laug*s$ 4h# [Laug*s$ 4h# eeryone. 3 hae confronted -y fear" and 6on# "o 3 hae a fe6 thing" 3d li+e to "ay. *$-ber oneD 3 apologize for being "o hot8 headed and diffic$lt. 3t 6a" all beca$"e# 6ell# thi" i" n$-ber t6o. 0old yo$r appla$"e eerybody. Beca$"e 3# Rod# a- gay@ 4+ay# and threeD *ic+y. 4h# *ic+y.

[1e presents RIC',# w*o is entering& 1e looks =ust like icky e%cept *e is -ore buff and *as on a /wife3beater0 s*irt& 1e speaks wit* a .oice si-ilar to icky6s# but deeper$ RICKY 0ey there# Rod b$ddy. 3t "$re i" nice to -eet yo$. NICKY 3 thin+ 3 +no6 yo$r type.

ROD &6eet "$ffering Je"$"@ *ic+y and Ric+y. 4h# -y c$p r$nneth oer. Well# let" go.

KATE T0R&  23* 23* L3* BTW* L41...

Than+ yo$# Princeton. [!2!R,BO+, greets RIC', as RO+ leads *i-# s*outing wit* glee# into *is apart-ent&$ GARY erybody" drea-" are co-ing tr$e# and then there" ary ,ole-an. BRIAN 6# co-e on ary. KATE 7o$e 7o$e "till got all of $". GARY 7eah# 7eah# 6ell "ince yo$ t6o are leaing 3 better go p$t that da-n :24R R*T; "ign  bac+ $p...; KATE The Mon"ter""ori &chool. 3 dont een +no6 6here to "tart. C.E. 'o yo$ +no6 6ho get idea# and collect all the -oney# and b$y b$ilding for yo$A

PRINCETON &o 6ill yo$ ta+e -e bac+# !ateA KATE 3ll be "o b$"y no6 6ith all the contractor" and in"pection" and hiring teacher" and choo"ing textboo+" and 5 PRINCETON [Co.ering '"!6s -out* wit* *is *and$  3 co$ld help yo$. KATE ,an 6e ta+e it one day at a ti-eA

[PRIC!"O and '"! kiss as !; 'I+ enters# singing$ NE5 KID W0T '4 74< '4 W3T0  B.. 3* *L3&0A 4h loo+# a :2or Rent; "ign@ 4h -y god# yo$re ary ,ole-an@ GARY 7e" 3 a-.

KATE Wa" it yo$A C.E.  *o. 3t Princeton. KATE Princeton... for -eA PRINCETON 7o$ 7o$ "aid yo$ co$ldnt -a+e yo$r drea-" co-e tr$e by yo$r"elf# "o 3 "hot for the "tar".

74< 4TT 4 2TR T0 T03*& 74< W*T W03L 74<R &T3LL 3* 74
NE5 KID Well# "ay# "ay# can yo$ tell -e 6here 3 can reach the "$perA GARY 3 a- the "$per. NE5 KID Woah. 7o$re 7o$re ary ,ole-an# and yo$re the "$perA@ [Laug*s$ GARY re yo$ la$ghing at -eA NE5 KID  *o# no# no# "orry... "orry...

GARY  *o# that" alright +id. That" 6hy 33- here@ [flas*es a c*eesy s-ile at t*e audience$

KATE Who doe"# reallyA 1R74*&  L3TTL B3T <*&T3&23'.

NE5 KID Li"ten# 3d li+e to tal+ to yo$ abo$t the apart-ent for rent.

BRIAN 1R74* 4& R4<*'  L3TTL MPT7 3*&3'.

GARY &$re# co-e on in.

GARY T!  BRT0# L44! R4<*'#

PRINCETON Wait a -in$te@ Wait a -in$te# that" it@

BRIAN &WLL4W 74
KATE

WhatA

KATE 24R *4W...

PRINCETON My p$rpo"e. Loo+ at thi" +id here# all fre"h8faced and ne6 and not +no6ing anything. 0e ha" no idea 6hat he" in for. 0e thin+" the hard part" oer# b$t it" not. nd -aybe he need" a little help. nd nd -aybe -y p$rpo"e i" to ta+e eerything 3learning# and p$t it in a "ho6@

NICKY  *4T03* L&T&#

BRIAN re yo$ highA

ROD L32 4& 4*#

NE5 KID nd 3- not "o-e yo$ng +id 6ho doe"nt +no6 anything. 2$c+ yo$@ [4i.es PRIC!"O /t*e finger0 and e%its$ PRINCETON Why doe" eerything hae to be "o hardA GARY Maybe yo$ll neer find yo$r p$rpo"e. C.E. Lot" of people dont. PRINCETON B$t then 5 3 dont +no6 6hy 3- een alie@

KATE, BRIAN, GARY, C.E. 24R *4W...

NICKY 2
4*L7 24R *4W...

24R *4W...

[L7C, enters$

KATE 24R *4W...

LCY 0ey eerybody@ 3 had to beat it fro- -y yoga cla"" to be here by the final n$-ber. o"h# it" "o faboo to "ee all yo$ crazy +id"@ KATE L$cy# i" that yo$A LCY  6hole ne6 -e@ That penny too+ o$t t6enty percent of -y brain... b$t it only too+ o$t the bean"tal+. [Laug*s$

["*e B+ I+! B!R enter$ BEAR 42 Wee Wee refor-ed o$t 6ay"# too. BEAR 41 We fo$nd "cientology@ THE BEARS

7ay@ LCY 24R *4W WR 0LT07. BRIAN 24R *4W WR MPL47'. BAD IDEA BEARS 24R *4W WR 0PP7# KATE 32 *4T 41RJ47'. PRINCETON *' WLL ,,PT T0 T03*& W ,**4T 143'# 143'# 24R *4W... GARY

ALL B
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,PT 24R 'T0 *' P73* T&# 1R7T03* 3* L32 3& 4*L7 24R *4W@ NICKY ,0 T3M 74< &M3L# ALL 4*L7 24R *4W... KATE 3TLL 4*L7 L&T  W03L. ALL 4*L7 24R *4W... PRINCETON L32 M7 B &,R7 ALL 4*L7 24R *4W... B
ALL BT PRINCETON B08'