What type of Officer are you? Introduction: Welcome to the “What type of Officer are you?’ quiz. Below are a number of questions relating to common (and some uncommon) situations you may face as a Lieutenant, Captain or Major in the Australian Army. The more honestly you answer these questions to yourself, the more you will gain an insight into your level of ‘inculcation’ with key military values. If you are easily offended, or don’t have the mental capacity to enjoy the subtleties of black humour, then you are strongly recommended to fuck off. Instructions: This quiz consists of 16 multiple choice type questions. At the end of the quiz you will be required to add the total number of each category you answered in (i.e. A, B, C, D or E) and compare the highest scored answer to the appropriate description to find your Army Officer type.
Let's begin! Question 1) While visiting your local officers mess for a cheap lunch and some enjoyable but mindless banter over which battalion is clearly the most professional (and whether or not 6 RAR really deserved that MUC), you notice a group of young subalterns sitting together. Instead of the usual healthy chitchat amongst these junior professional men, you merely see nine individuals sitting in silence while i ndividually engaging in their personal communication devices. Do you...
A) Keep about your business and continue with your polite but well informed refutation of your peers premise that Australia cannot raise an amphibious capability. B) Look over and shake your head, making a comment just loud enough to be heard about t he failings of the 'me generation'. C) Stroll up to them, confident in the newly attached crown on your unironed DPCUs, and slap the nearest junior officer on the back. When he looks up, perch uninvitingly on the overstuffed chair arm and provide 'ladish' but condescending advice on being social. D) Walk up to one of the officers and ask to borrow his phone so you can call your ex-wife (it's best she hears about the missed child support payment from you personally). E) Keep quiet as you bloody well know those subbies are merely recirculating those naked photos you sent of yourself from the duty officers phone to a married female dargan in the unit. True story.
Question 2) After arriving early to a conference (on the requirement to address OH&S as WHS now), you make idle chat with a British lateral transfer Captain before the XO commences the meeting. When the lateral transfer officer shakes his head and calls the Australian Army a joke, you look over to hear him state "a chap would never be expected to put up with such peace time dribble with the Brits" , you...
A) Nod, as you really have no way to challenge his proposition, and then silently thank the foresight of our government to bring over experienced British service personnel like him. B) Join in and comment how your four month experience travelling around Europe on holidays (also known as LONGLOOK), makes you perfectly situated to raise both the positive and negative comparisons of both militaries. C) Look over and ask him "Well, why the fuck did you join us mate?". D) While always avoiding eye contact with this officer, make the passive aggressive comment that "It must have been frustrating to get forced out of the British Army because you weren't good enough to go past 22 years ". E) Look over at this self aggrandising piece of shit, and t hen start bitch slapping his face. No words, just bitch slaps. No individual strike hits hard enough to be claimed as assault, and as the XO walks in and sees you merely slapping this pom's chinless face around, he slowly backs out of the door as if he hadn't just seen a mans entire sense of masculinity be depleted through a barrage of soft open palm slaps that leaves him crying on the linoleum.
Question 3) As your phone starts ringing, you pick it up to find the Commanding Officer ordering you to go speak with a civilian conducting an investigation on defence. You put the phone down, and walk over to the unit conference room. Inside a portly woman introduces herself to you as Elizabeth Broderick, and wants to know if there is a female cultural problem in defence. You respond...
A) "Well, maybe some small issues, but females contribute to the ADF as much as men do, and quite frankly, all this hoopla about gender disparity is a societal and not defence issue". B) "Yeah sure, there are some older dinosaurs around, but the reality of the situation is that defence is a naturally male oriented vocation, and you just won't shake that off overnight. The girls do okay, but we get some tarts".
C) " Keep 'em out of combat. I should know, as I've personally been involved in a number of minor contacts (was a SHOTREP more appropriate?) in the 'Ghan, and most of the girls I know couldn't cut that kind of yakka. Look, I love birds doing the traditional stuff, but when I have to c onduct a two kilometre patrol in 32 degree heat while ordering my signaller to carry my personal kit, you need to be able to rely on those around you". D) Laugh nervously, and then gently grab her forearm in what is an honest to god move on her. "Look Lizzy, or do you prefer 'Miss' Broderick?, it's not that we don't want girls around in combat, but, how do I say it, we just can't control our natural urges, do you know what I mean?" . Continue to move your arm up and onto her breast. Take a slap on the face, and prepare for an 18 month court battle and the end of your lacklustre career. E) Film yourself having sex with Elizabeth Broderick on Skype, and relay the footage to the COs conference so the command team can enjoy it. It's how we do it.
Question 4) While about to embark on the prestigious command and staff college in Canberra, you head down to Canungra on the precommand course to sharpen your skills. While there at the mess, you drink yourself into near incomprehension, and then wander over to a nearby group of subalterns. When the awkward looks and silence indicate you should fuck off, you...
A) Do the gentlemanly thing, and take the subtle hints from your peers (and subbies), and go to bed before causing an incident. B) Have your fun, but then allow your forceful peers to pull you away and back into t heir area. C) Notice a junior officer roll his eyes, and then ask him drunkly what he wants to say. When he politely replies "I think I should keep my opinions to myself sir" You then harass him multiple times to say what's on his mind. When he finally replies "Well, respectfully, but you are incompetent and put soldiers lives at risk overseas" , make sure to act like a boso and throw your commendations back in his face (that will teach him). True story. D) Do everything in the point above, but then send your equally drunken Major friend into the subbies TV room to start shouting and yelling like a lunatic after you complain to him about the lack of respect the subbies just showed you. True story. E) Not sure I can top the one above. Look out for these heroes masquerading as LTCOLs in 2014.
Question 5) Down at the pub for a quiet tipple, you notice a well respected Warrant Officer sitting at the bar with nine empty schooner glasses in front of him. No more than 30 seconds later, he picks up a set of car keys and wobbles for the door. Do you...
A) Intercept him and physically prevent him from driving while intoxicated ( "my god man you're in no state!" ), and then have a formal interview with him on Monday. B) Walk past him as he leans against his $70,000 ute, still fumbling with his keys, and then tell him passively, "maybe a goodnight for a taxi sergeant-major" C) Take a photo of him driving out of the car park, and then show your boss the next day. When your boss correctly points out that your photo only shows a regular car driving away with no proof as to who is driving it, let alone what state he is in, scratch your head in genuine confusion. D) Finish your own six heavy beer night, and then drive past a flaming wreck on your way back to your Major live in lines. E) Knock back your tenth Jaeger bomb, run out the bar leaving your tab unpaid (it's not your credit card), and then follow the sergeantmajor in the duty wheels (which you just kinda hang onto now) so as to practice the 'PIT' manoeuvre you so often see on American police car chases.
Question 6) As a member of the ADF, you are approached by someone not affiliated with any part of the defence force (to the best of your knowledge). This person asks you about buying defence owned weapons. Do you...
A) Ask him for identification, and then escort him to the nearest defence establishment security post, or (if not on base) immediately report the incident to your Unit Security Officer and Chain of Command. B) Play dumb and tell him you cannot help him but do not report it to your Unit Security Officer or Chain of Command. C) Confront the person and attempt to discover his motives for purchasing a defence weapon. D) Arrange the sale of a defence weapon. E) Arrange the sale of a defence weapon and offer to sell him one of your uniforms in order to help him gain access to a defence establishment.
Question 7) While driving to work one day you notice an elderly couple pulled over on the side of the road with their hazard lights on. Do you...
A) Immediately pull over, attempt to control traffic to create a safe environment, and then courteously approach the couple and offer assistance. B) Immediately pull over and offer assistance. C) Keep driving as you are running late and it is raining, consoling yourself that there are enough other people driving who may offer assistance. D) Slow down to give the impression you are pulling over to offer assistance before driving off with a smile on your face. E) Pull over and rob the helpless couple before also arranging two two friends to come and take their car.
Question 8) While running a military range that involves the controlled use of high explosives and live ammunition, your Commanding Officer and his RSM arrive by car to speak to you. Do you...
A) Approach him with your headdress on, give him a snappy salute, and present him with all the correct range paperwork in a tidy folder. B) Approach him and wait for him to initiate contact and ask any questions. C) Ask your Sergeant to approach the Commanding Officer then begin your range brief to the waiting soldiers. D) Realise you have yet to submit the required paperwork to mitigate and acknowledge the risk involved with exposing barely literate teenagers to grenades and tracer rounds. E) Receive a call as you lay hung-over in bed from your Sergeant, explaining to you that you had better be dressed when the Military Police arrive at your door in 10 minutes.
Question 9) The chances of you serving with any Special Forces unit are…
A) I am already a part of SASR / 2 Cdo Regt / 1 Cdo Regt. B) I have had a posting to IRR, 171 Sqn (Avn), SOLS. C) Bloody excellent – but that rugby injury is holding me back from selection (but not from playing rugby). D) It doesn’t concern me (it does). Anyway, I already tell people in pubs I’m an operator despite my obviously unhealthy BMI, 6-pack a night drinking habit, inability to complete 15 push ups and a condition which results in me becoming short of breath when walking to the bar and back - so it doesn’t matter. E) I have a ‘Who Dares Wins’ tattoo on my chest – so you tell me.
Question 10) As you walk towards your office on a normal Tuesday morning, you find a red folder laying in the car park. You pick it up and see the name of your Officer Commanding written on the front next to SECRET in large red letters. Do you...
A) Immediately return the folder t o your Unit Security Officer and raise a formal security incident report. B) Return the folder to your Officer Commanding before explaining that you are obligated to notify the Unit Security Officer and raise a security incident report. C) Return the folder to your Officer Commanding and receive the praise for 'keeping it under wraps'. D) Ignore the folder - it's not your problem. E) Walk into the office of your Officer Commanding Commanding with the folder in your right hand and your phone in your left hand, recording on video his reaction as you t ell him "your arse is mine cunt" - and then use this leverage to receive a Training Commander's Commendation.
Question 11) You log on to your computer after lunch, and notice the Commanding Officer has ordered the entire unit to complete a short notice Combat Fitness Assessment the next day. Do you...
A) Immediately glance down at the perfectly packed DP1 equipment next to your desk, and look forward to a sporting chance to get amongst the men in a physical bonding environment. Call the CSM/SGT into your office and organise a DP1 inspection for everyone that afternoon. Ring your superior and volunteer your command to also run a BBQ afterwards. B) Make a note to bring your webbing and pack in, and a change of DPCU for afterwards. Notify your subordinates of the requirement for tomorrow. C) Immediately ring your favourite subordinate, and tell him to break out the Platoon / Company flag for tomorrow. Reinforce this plan with him at touch footy training that night, and suggest sneaking a few 6-packs of beer to the finish line 'for the lads'. Stand around with your commercially purchased field equipment the next morning at dawn, and wonder why only one Section / Platoon has shown up. Realise you have only informed 1/3rd of your command of the activity this morning, and start thinking of excuses to not seem incompetent. The Regimental Second in Command informs the unit that the Commanding Officer is away at the magistrate’s court this morning, and that he will be taking everyone this morning for the CFA. Breathe a sigh of relief as you explain to the R2IC, who you play rugby with, that you ‘fucked it hard’ and need top coverage. At 1600 h receive a call from 2/3rds of your command asking you where the fuck you were today. Remember you still forgot to tell them when you finished and knocked off at lunch time. D) Receive the same twisting, turning sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when ordered to do physically exerting work in front of soldiers. Try and think of where your field pack is, and remember it is still in a Toll Transitions box in your garage. Conduct the immediate Action for shirking hard work, and try and think of any excuse that will keep you in bed as the rest of the unit march at dawn with cyalumes attached. Realise that you have very little in the way of face saving options available to you. Report to the Regimental Aid Post with a recurring ankle injury that you were trying to manage yourself. The fact it has only come up now is from your reluctance to bother the medics with such a trivial injury. Feign an officer like grunt when the unimpressed Corporal medic lightly squeezes your healthy looking foot. Receive chit and then tell your 2IC he is getting HDA tomorrow morning. E) As you were planning to drive eight hours tonight to sell stolen military equipment in another state, and then sleep in the next morning while you 'care for your sick kids' - this is clearly unacceptable. Call an impromptu Platoon / Company function, and give an unethical start time of 2200 h. Exercise your rank and authority by giving the nominated Corporal who will now be hurriedly organising the night $400 from the brew club account to buy alcohol (despite the soldiers democratically voted intentions to spend it on an end of year harbour cruise). Speak to your command, minus your identified biggest drunken liability (plus your second as back up) and inform them of the no tolerance 0500 h start time or jail tomorrow. On your way out, drop by the work area of your identified drunks, and tell them to enjoy themselves tonight with a cheeky wink. Return from interstate that night and see how the function is progressing. With two soldiers well into $400 worth of booze, and plans to 'hit the town for an hour before work' you return home and change into a suit. Receive call from police at 0445 h, and then ring the Commanding Officer. Arrive at the local magistrate’s court at 0500 h with an annoyed Lieutenant Colonel. Shake your head and make a derogatory comment about Generation Y. Go home and sleep.
Question 12) What was your rank at the Royal Military College - Duntroon?
A) Senior Under Officer, of course. B) Lance Corporal / Corporal / Sergeant. C) Senior Staff Cadet / Colour Sergeant / Under Officer. D) Any combination of the above / I’m a reservist / I’m an SSO E) You won’t find me on PmKeys.
Question 13) Your ideal Commanding Officer is...
A) Someone who has demonstrated the necessary traits of command, leadership and military excellence regardless of age, gender, ethnic background, religion or sexual orientation. If someone has proved to the ADF they can confidently move to the next rank, then I will give him or her a chance and hopefully learn from their experience and astute guidance. B) A confident person who has operational experience and a goal to better the unit. C) A confident guy who can stand up and give one hell of a speech. I want him to drink with his subordinates at the boozer and in the mess, and make sure he can prove his worth on the sporting ground as much as on the battlefield. He should strive to get the unit on 'ops', and be wearing some sort of conspicuous or distinguished medal award from doing a relatively benign staff officer job at HQJTF 633 in the UAE. The fact that the CJTF 633 at the time was the same corps, and also plays rugby, has no relevance to the awards credibility. D) Hopefully a woman, or anyone else who has a naturally limited chance of promotion to Colonel. Those ambitious ones are always causing trouble for me. 'Risk assessment' this, 'don't have sex with soldiers' that. Whatever happened to mission command? E) That Lieutenant Colonel I secretly snapped drink spiking two underage lady boys in Thailand.
Question 14) After lunch one day one of your new subordinates asks to speak to you. He has recently been identified for a deployment to the MEAO, and would like you to have power of attorney for the duration of his deployment. Do you...
A) Inform him that you ethically can't, and immediately arrange for a defence recognised financial advisor to speak to him after work. B) Inform him that you can't but he should consider giving it to one of his more mature mates who is not deploying. C) Accept his offer as a young single member with no family, and do your best to manage his finances while he is a way. D) Realise as you have yet to deploy to the MEAO after XX years of service, he doesn't deserve all of the money, before slowly siphoning off a small amount for yourself every month. E) Call a meeting of all your young and/or stupid deploying subordinates and give them a 20 slide power point presentation on why you can best manage their finances when they are away. Immediately set up fortnightly direct deposits to your Cayman Islands numbered account. Take out XX personal loans and then deploy to the MEAO (Dubai 6 Star hotel) yourself.
Question 15) While deployed on operations in Afghanistan, you notice a local national man walking out from behind a quala wall. He is clearly a non-combatant and has his arms raised to ensure you he does not pose a threat. Do you...
A) Approach him with your rifle slung (but still ready) and greet him warmly in Pashtu (which you learned at your own expense and in your own time before deploying) putting him at ease. B) Cover him with your rifle as you yell in English for him t o "get out of the area". C) Order one of your subordinates to run him down and detain him as a suspect. Backload him to your Forward Operating Base for tactical questioning. D) Shoot him and then appear to make it look like an accident. With your Sergeant present agree to place an AKM found at an earlier cache next to the body. E) Launch a 40mm into his centre of mass, fully aware that it won't have time to arm and detonate in the 10 metres of flight time. Yell "Contact front" before emptying your entire magazine into the quala in front of you and then order a tactical withdrawal. From the safety of a drainage ditch 1500 metres away, call an airstrike in on the village centre. Film an F15E drop two 2000lb Mk84 bombs, and then later add a Rammstein song to the footage and post it on the internet.
Question 16) After returning from your MEAO deployment, you are at a local bar when someone spills his drink on you. When you look up, you see a dishevelled adult male with long hair and a shirt bearing the slogan "NOT MY WAR". WAR". Do you...
A) Realise it was an accident, and graciously accept his weak apologies before returning to your lemonade (you are designated driver). B) Look angrily at him and ask him to apologise for being so clumsy. C) Look angrily at him and call him some profanity. Comment that you just got back from Afghanistan and that his shirt is "bullshit". D) Punch him in the head, but stop after he falls awkwardly against a table and cannot fight back. E) Glass his girlfriend.
Question 17) While reading the latest critical, unbiased and entertaining edition of the Australian Army Newspaper (Dikko – ho hum), you notice the Queen’s Birthday honours and awards have been released. While scrolling through a list that gives definitive proof only senior officers work hard, you notice a peers name next to the words ‘Conspicuous Service Cross’. Do you…
A) Look down at your own CSC, and then wonder why it took so long for someone else to receive one. B) Ring your friend to congratulate him, and then hope one day your hard efforts will also be rewarded.
C) Become incredibly jealous, and know you would be wearing one if it was the ‘Conspicuous Sports Cross’ instead. Fail to comprehend this injustice as you knock off at 1600 h sharp. D) Slander this officer in front of a subordinate by calling him a ‘suck up’ and ‘golden child’, and say how he clearly didn’t earn this award. If the AIRN badge on your uniform could talk - it would scream irony. E) As you m ade the decision to just start wearing parachute wings, crossed rifles and the military instructor badge 6 years ago between postings, console yourself that your uniform currently has adequate bling.
Question 18) It's 0950 h, and your stomach begins to grumble. You make the command decision to attend morning tea in the mess. Do you...
A) Quickly pull out the iron and ironing board you keep in your office, before lightly pressing your uniform (no starch) to ensure you are turned out smartly. Arrive swiftly, ensuring you march in an authoritive military manner, but with the aloofness required of your rank. Take off your headdress as your foot crosses the threshold between outside and inside, remaining technically correctly dressed at all times. Wait for the more senior officers to help themselves to cucumber sandwiches, before moving in at the appropriate time and helping yourself to a modest and appropriate amount. B) Arrive on time at the mess and stand aside with some peers as the more senior officers manage to touch every single quarter cut sandwich before selecting one and placing it on their napkin. Move in and select a piece of cake, knowing that the practice B FA you did that morning justifies the trans fat and high calorie intake. Make polite conversation to your peers. C) Show up on time and immediately begin tucking into the food, as your more reserved peers stand behind you and admire your courage. Once you have stacked your plate with the equivalent of 6 pieces of bread in quarter cut sandwiches, move back to your corps affiliated group in the specially designed alcove containing that picture of a tank / soldier / ASLAV / gun / Brigade Headquarters group photo, etc, and begin eating. Talk about whether Abrahms / an SP gun s ystem / ARH or suitable other conventional war winning piece of equipment will ever be put to good use against the Taliban. Comment heartily how this will make all the difference, despite the fact the US and Brits are operating 50 times more equipment (that is more advanced) in the same counter insurgency slug match as we are, with little strategic effect. D) Show up ten minutes early, and then stand around indecisively for five minutes until blood sugar levels drop low enough to make a break in. Load your napkin (not plate) with large quantities of cake, and then return to the group of subordinate officers who you guilted into coming to the mess early. Talk freely in this pressure void environment, as you believe you have won the respect of these young men with your tales of 'when I was a subbie' wooing them at every turn. When a thinner, taller and younger officer of your equivalent rank joins the circle, immediately stop talking about the problems with the Commanding Officer, and go very quiet. As the officer makes his conversation and then leaves, look at one of the subbies and make a rhetorical "imagine if he was in charge" peer hammering comment. Notice as the subbies shift awkwardly on their feet without giving you any confirmation of your humour. Look down to the f loor nervously, and while doing so, catch sight of your fat guts. E) Show up an hour late and score an eight ball from the kid who works at the bar. As it's 1110 h, push through to lunch.
Question 19) On your way to lunch one day, you notice that one of your colleagues has left his DRN terminal unlocked. Do you...
A) Lock the terminal, and immediately approach him in the mess to tell him of his mistake and security breech. Informally speak with the Unit Security Officer. B) Lock the terminal for him. C) Consider locking the terminal but instead open up a word document and write in large bolded type 72 font, "LOCK YOUR COMPUTER CUNT". D) Leave his computer unlocked, and quickly look through his personal documents for anything funny or private. Send an email to your mutual friends about being homosexually inclined. E) Immediately burn his entire my docs folder onto CD, and then delete it. Send an email to the Commanding Officer of SASR asking to be dealt with "not 2 harshly LOL" on his upcoming and long time scheduled selection course. Send an email to the Officer Commanding of a mutual peer, stating he is "a great guy" and "deserves promotion and deployments", thereby framing some poor idiot who had nothing to do with your cold and now double character assassination.
Question 20) At a Regimental mixed dining in night you are enjoying a beer when the Commanding Officer informs you he has to depart for work reasons. Before he goes he asks you to ensure his wife has an enjoyable night i n his absence. Do you...
A) Courteously escort her for the rest of the night, referring to her as Mrs X, and making an effort to ensure she is always socially engaged.
B) Give her the option of escorting her for the night, knowing full well she may be comfortable enough on her own. C) Inform her that you "will be over there" and point to a nearby gathering of peers. Watch her through the night and offer her a drink when required. D) Engage her in a round of shots with the lads, before offering her a more personal tour of the history in the mess. Take advantage of her inebriated state to seduce her and have intercourse with her behind a sturdy pool table. Occasionally look up and repress your laughter as 6 of your peers studiously stand by a window filming and giggling. E) Forcefully engage her in a round of Tequilas with the lads, before blatantly groping her breast in front of the Regimental Second in Command and other field ranking unit members. When the R2IC objects and tells you to leave, punch him hard in the face and then rip his medals from his well pressed mess jacket as he falls. Turn around and heavily glass the lesbian who didn't respond to your before mentioned sexual advance.
Question 21) While visiting Regimental Headquarters to see the Adjutant, you decide to visit the RSMs office to ask a question. The door appears stuck, and you forcefully nudge it to reveal the RSM sitting naked at his desk with only his pace stick tucked formally under his arm. As he looks at you with wide open eyes, a slow ascending head rises f rom between his legs to reveal a 12 year old boy. Do you...
A) Throw up, and then immediately place the RSM under arrest, and call for someone to bring a blanket for the child. You call the federal police and watch as the RSM is taken away wrapped in a horse blanket and wearing hand cuffs. Give a formal statement, testify, and then book yourself into therapy sessions. B) Place the RSM under arrest, and call for someone to bring a blanket for the child. C) Slowly close the door and return to your office. What you saw could destroy the Regiment and must never be spoken of. D) Rush forward and start beating the RSM in an uncontrolled rage before blacking out. Wake up in hospital with your arm handcuffed to the bed, and a police officer explaining what "two counts of second degree murder" means to your chance of attendance at Command and Staff College. E) Mutter embarrassingly under your breath "Sorry I'm late".
To complete the quiz, please tally your scores and identify whether A, B, C, D or E scored the highest number of answers for your question responses. You will find below a model for your Army Officer type, and hopefully have a better idea of what methods you may inadvertently apply in future leadership situations.
Leadership Type Comparison.
If you answered mostly A's...
Then fuck off you square cunt.
If you answered mostly B's...
You are the ideal leader, and the kind of officer that the Royal Military College attempts to create during their rigorous curriculum. The book is your guide, but you can think outside the square when required and apply a more tailored course of action. Red tabs await your steady and measured approach to the military profession of arms. At your retirement you will receive a large polished solid wooden board with a number of well presented photos, medals and unit insignia attached. You will return home to your sexually unsatisfied second wife and sit in a plush chair by your fireplace with a port, contemplating that elusive 3rd and 4th star. Your legacy to the world will be a poorly made bronze bust likeness that for a period will sit proudly in the foyer of the now decommissioned defence establishment bearing your name. This legacy will vanish 10 years later during a routine stocktake that includes the 'dusty general's head' in the boozers memorabilia/cleaning products closet. After a cursory wikipedia check that reveals nothing of your distinguished career in East Timor/Shoal Water Bay Training Area, the bust is disposed of on the authority of a 20 year old subaltern.
If you answered answered mostly C's...
You are rough around the edges, and your conduct record may not be there for appearances sake only. But, you get the job done. If your rugby is good enough, a position at Command and Staff College awaits your mediocre efforts. Alas, real command in combat will devastatingly expose your lack of actual command ability. Sitting behind a quala wall as you listen to the sonic crack of 7.62x54R rounds flying metres above your head, you will hear the retreating sounds of high performance jets as your close air support calls bingo fuel. The dawning realisation that you should have immediately conducted a fighting withdrawal against the 8 man Taliban force out there (and then nominated yourself for a Distinguished Service Medal afterwards in accordance with SOPs) will be slammed home as you cower at the mercy of these armed farmers. As you wisely handpicked an old rugby mate to be your 2IC, the ineptness of his battle leadership (as predictably also a 'C' category leader) is demonstrated when he overrides the experienced JTAC in a moment of glory and calls a battery of guns onto your own position. The RSM/CSM saves the day by rallying and then withdrawing with the surviving members of your unit, thereby ensuring witnesses can appear at your court martial and testify against you. Your legacy to the world will be the formation of 'Baluchi Valley Company' at the Royal Military College. For years, Staff Cadet's will marvel at the thinking of a field rank officer whose disassociation between the relevance of rugby and battlefield command only came at a moment of extreme peril. You die with the shame of knowing you personally instigated the destabilisati destabilisation on and collapse of Oruzgan province as the Prime Minister heeds the unwashed public's call to immediately 'pull the troops out'.
If you answered mostly D's...
Your moral bankruptcy is unmatched, but at times condoned, by your peer group. If a dedicated A or B categorised officer doesn't decide to make your failings his pet project, then the lofty heights of Major await you. Your days are unproductively filled with writing and then rebutting the intellectual gigantism of the Australian Army newspaper. Arguments about the reserves, and Air Force personnel who are awarded campaign medals for never leaving the country, are overshadowed by the very real fact you haven't led a section attack or slept under a hootchie since RMC. The pride your family and civilian friends have in your field rank is based on the naivety that it was obtained on merit, and not the mere fact you have maintained a heart beat and AIRN compliance at promotion board periods. But unlike the glorious realm of the 'C Category' officer, your ineptitude is also coupled with a military ethos only found in the likes of David Hicks, Klinger from MASH, and anyone who wears medals on ANZAC Day they have no entitlement to. As you sit smugly in the mess one evening and listen to your 15 year younger peer tell you about the future of Afghanistan, you unthinkingly provide provide opinion straight from a recently read Time magazine article and claim it as your own genius insight. The bloodshot nature of your alcohol stained face, to say nothing of your protruding guts, betray an officer who would better serve the nation by fertilizing a 3 foot by 6 foot patch of soil.
If you answered mostly E's...
Your lack or morality outside your absolute cold and immediate necessity to satisfy your perpetually demanding ego is only trumped by the sheer miracle you have eluded ADF mental psych professionals for so long. The fact you have remained a free member of society, to say nothing of your continued service as a commissioned officer in Her Majesty's service, will astound the distinguished members of the Royal Commission who will sit and consider your case at a future investigative hearing. For a 1% gain to your tyrannical pursuit of promotion, position or deployment, you are prepared to enforce a 99% loss to a subordinate, peer or superior. Gaius Caligula, Ted Bundy and Adolf Hitler appear like a softly spoken Mormon trio on Sunday errands when the sum of their immorality is compared alongside yours. Unfortunately we'll never know for sure, as purgatory exists for arseholes like you - not even Satan would be prepared to sacrifice his default position as the most morally forfeited being in Hell by letting you in.
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