The Skeptic s Online Dating Guide

© 2015 Francesca Hogi | Made to Measure Matching™ www.francescahogi.com

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Table of Contents YES, ONLINE DATING WORKS, IF YOU DO. ........................................................ 3 CHAPTER 1 - AND THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD TRY ............................................. 4 The data doesn’t lie......................................................................................................... 4 You already know that online dating works. ...................................................................... 4 You’re weird, too. ........................................................................................................... 4 You don’t have time to date. ............................................................................................ 5 It’s not perfect. And? ...................................................................................................... 5 That was then, this is now. .............................................................................................. 5

CHAPTER 2 – WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING TO MEET SOMEONE ONLINE .............................................................................................. 7 Not to be rude, but I’m way out of your league. ................................................................. 7 Yes, he’s ignoring you. .................................................................................................... 7 Chat, chat, chat… Radio silence. ..................................................................................... 8 You must have accidentally overlooked my last 6 messages? Sent in the last 15 minutes? ....... 8 You’re not everyone’s cup of tea. ...................................................................................... 8

CHAPTER 3 – NO HALF-ASSING ALLOWED ...................................................... 10 WHAT HALF-ASSING ONLINE LOOKS LIKE: .............................................................. 10

CHAPTER 4 – WHOLE ASSING, BUT BADLY ....................................................... 14 A FEW MORE “DON’Ts” ............................................................................................. 14

CHAPTER 5 – PICTURE PERECTION .................................................................... 18 HOW-TO GET YOUR BEST PHOTOS: .......................................................................... 18

CHAPTER 6 – CHOOSING YOUR WORDS WISELY ............................................ 20 CHAPTER 7 – A FEW MORE NUTS AND BOLTS .................................................. 23 Don’t Gain Any New Pen Pals. ................................................................................ 23 Choose Your Site Wisely. ......................................................................................... 23 Don’t Nitpick. ............................................................................................................ 23 Beat The Algorithms. ................................................................................................ 24 If It’s Not Working, Switch It Up. .............................................................................. 24 Challenge Yourself To Date Against Type. ............................................................ 24 Reach Out!................................................................................................................ 24 Protect Yourself. ....................................................................................................... 25 Don’t Put Your Eggs in One Basket. ........................................................................ 25 Have Fun! .................................................................................................................. 25 Stay In Touch! ........................................................................................................... 25


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YES, ONLINE DATING WORKS, IF YOU DO. My name is Francesca and I am a professional matchmaker, dating and life coach. I help kick-ass people all around the world find love and live more purpose-filled, fulfilling lives. Thank you for downloading The Skeptic’s Guide to Online Dating Success! Forget about what you hate (or think you’ll hate) about online dating. Even if you’ve already tried it, try it again. Why? Because if you’re reading this, you are single and you don’t want to be. If you were meeting tons of potential mates who met your criteria for partnership in the “real world,” you probably wouldn’t be considering online dating. This time will be different because this time you have me, your online dating fairy godmother, and a desire to be successful. And so you will be! This e-book is a step-by-step guide to overcoming your online trepidation, shaking off the trauma of previously disastrous online forays, putting your best foot forward and meeting the right kind of person for you. Sound good? Sound great? Awesome! Let’s get started.


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CHAPTER 1 - AND THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD TRY You would like to meet your life’s love, or at least your next partner. It’s not happening and you are at a loss as to what to do. Online dating feels like an abyss you have no interest in diving into, but you also kindasortaprobably know that you “should” try. I know you are reluctant, but let me break down some of the primary reasons you should try online dating, and why you can totally crush it! This guide is going to arm you with the knowledge of what to expect, how to put your best foot forward and how to proceed once you’re online. Whether you’ve never dated online or you’ve been there, done that, and decided never to go there again – hear me out.

The data doesn’t lie. Statistics vary, but some studies estimate that as many as 33% of married couples in the U.S. met online. Considering that online dating has only reached mainstream popularity within the last decade, that’s a really, really high percentage. And that’s only for married couples. It’s easy to imagine that number being at least as high for unmarried couples. That’s a lot of romance starting with a computer. So those couples you see while out to dinner who you secretly resent for their blissful inloveness? Many of those couples met online.

You already know that online dating works. You know it works because you know at least one happy couple who met online. You probably know more than one. If you think you don’t, start asking around. Take your own poll of the couples you know. I think you’d be surprised by the results. There’s a reason there are a million different online sites generating billions of dollars a year – it’s working for a LOT of people. There’s no reason you can’t be one of them!

You’re weird, too. I mean this with as much love as possible. You’re thinking: “Aren’t there only weirdos online?” Well, yes. Because we are all weird in some way. What person do you know who isn’t weird? If you’ve never dated a “weirdo,” I am willing to bet you haven’t dated much at all. Just give it some time!


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My point is, stop viewing online daters as some other breed of person. The same people who inhabit your “real” life are the same ones who you will find online. There isn’t some secret island where only “weird” online daters live. There are millionaires, hundredaires, Ivy League educated doctors, high school dropouts, celebrities, people who hate celebrities, Democrats, Republicans and everyone in between dating online. Where else are you going to meet that cross section of people all saying: “I’d like to meet someone”?

You don’t have time to date. You think you don’t have time for online dating. I know that you have a busy life, so you might not. But either you make the time, hire someone like me to find your dates for you, or you find a new, different way to get yourself in front of hundreds of singles in your area per day. If you choose the latter and you succeed, please let me know how you managed it! If you want to be in a relationship, you don’t have time not to date!

It’s not perfect. And? Before you start dismissing me as some online dating zealot, I want to make something clear. In my opinion, it is ideal to meet potential partners face-to-face. For this reason, once you actually have your profile up and running and you are communicating with potential partners, my NUMBER ONE RULE is to get the communication offline as soon as possible. Bottom line – there are scammers online, people who are significantly more weird than you are or I will ever be, and plenty of unsuitable potential partners. BUT IT ONLY TAKES ONE. You don’t need thousands of “perfect” partners to choose from. And a good relationship will be fulfilling no matter where it began. You only need to connect with the one person with whom you can co-create the relationship you desire.

That was then, this is now. OK, we’ve established that you’re skeptical. Skepticism is easy, but how does it serve you in your desire to meet a partner? In order for this to be effective, your first step is to decide to embrace optimism. Just remember that optimism is required for any risky endeavor. By the way, that includes getting into an intimate romantic relationship.


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There was a time before online dating was an established, widely accepted way of meeting a partner. That time is WAY over. We’ve already established online dating DOES work. Question is, are you willing to make it work for you? Tried it before? Hated it? Got no results? That’s OK. Those were learning experiences, and you WILL do better this time, so long as you’re willing to put in the work. And yes, it is work. Don’t like the sound of that? Well, you DO want to be in a relationship, don’t you?


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CHAPTER 2 – WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING TO MEET SOMEONE ONLINE We’ve established that I want you to try online dating. And you’re still reading, so I will take that as a great sign you’re at least strongly considering it, which is awesome! However, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you a primer on some common pitfalls that are completely outside of your control and how to deal with them. If you generally avoid situations that you cannot control, online dating will be a good rehearsal for your next relationship! I don’t mention these things to frighten or discourage you. You can handle all of this. You really can! So let’s get these out of the way up front.

Not to be rude, but I’m way out of your league. There is a fact of online dating. That fact is you WILL be contacted by people who, by your clearly stated preferences, life philosophy and relationship goals, are the polar opposite of who you are hoping to meet. When I first ventured into online dating years ago, I found myself deeply offended by these contacts. I would think, “Why would you ever think I would go out with you?” But then I came to realize the answer doesn’t really matter. When someone 20 years outside of your stated age preference who lives in Dusseldorf insists that he “looks and acts 30 years younger” when he looks like he’s old enough to be your grandfather’s older brother, it’s not really productive to ask why.

Yes, he’s ignoring you. Another fact of online dating is this: You will be ignored sometimes, and that’s OK. In fact, in the online dating universe it isn’t considered rude to ignore a message from someone you’re not interested in. There could be a million different reasons why, including that the recipient is “halfassing” their online dating efforts. Chapter 3 is all about half-assing and you should be sure to read it. Because you will inevitably fall victim to a half-asser or 20. Such as the below…


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Chat, chat, chat… Radio silence. Ugh, this is so frustrating. It is entirely common for a promising back and forth online to suddenly go silent. It could be at the moment you’ve brought up the subject of meeting offline. It could be for no reason other than the other person having a short attention span. There’s no way to know, so don’t torture yourself trying to guess. It can feel kinda sucky, but you have to remember you don’t actually know that person and you will move on.

You must have accidentally overlooked my last 6 messages? Sent in the last 15 minutes? From time to time you might encounter someone online who has some difficulty accepting your lack of interest. So when you don’t respond to the first message, he or she will follow up with 5 more to try to convince you of your mistake. There’s only one way to handle these pests, and that is by blocking them. All sites have an option to block a user’s profile, which would make that user invisible to you and you to them. If you’re feeling at all creeped out by someone’s behavior, don’t hesitate to block them.

You’re not everyone’s cup of tea. I can say that with confidence because no one is. I recently heard a woman say “eww” at the mention of Idris Elba’s name. So, that just goes to show you, no matter how many people find you desirable, not everyone will. And that’s OK. Don’t fall victim to the temptation to focus on the people who didn’t respond to your “wink” or your message. Instead, keep moving forward and focusing on the people who have the good sense to want to meet you! If you are older than 45, heavier than the average person, an Asian man or a black woman, statistically speaking you will get fewer responses. If you are a tall woman, an uncommonly short woman, or a man under 5’ 10”, you will get fewer responses on average. But the statistics don’t have to be your reality and you shouldn’t get hung up on them. As a black woman who has dated online, I can attest to getting fewer messages on average than my lighter-skinned counterparts. Add on top of it that I am 5’11”, which is taller than the average American male, not mention way taller than the average American female. But you know what? I still got lots of dates. I even got into two serious relationships with men I met online.


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Even if you are 25, blonde and a size 4, you will still have to deal with online rejection, half-assers and the rest of the pitfalls we’ve covered. It’s just the way it goes online. It goes the same way offline, too. You might have noticed that! So the bottom line is this: don’t be put off by the statistics. You don’t need to be the most popular guy or gal on the internet with 100 new messages a day. Remember: IT ONLY TAKES ONE.


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CHAPTER 3 – NO HALF-ASSING ALLOWED A lot of single people tell me “I tried online dating and it was a disaster!” or “I tried it and I didn’t get one date, only some inappropriate come-ons from creepy guys who would surely murder me and bury me in their basement, given the chance.” In every single case, further questioning reveals that the real culprit was half-assing. I know one happy couple who met online after the woman was on a dating site for a grand total of two days. This is the online dating fantasy of all half-assers. Sure, you can luck into a two day investment that yields you the love of your life. You also could have lucked into your high school boyfriend actually being the love of your life. It happens, but it’s not a great plan for most people.

WHAT HALF-ASSING ONLINE LOOKS LIKE: Poor photo selection You reluctantly open an online dating profile. You don’t have any recent, solo photos of yourself. So you choose the picture of you and your two best friends from that wedding two summers ago (you basically look the same, right?). You either crop your friends out, or even worse - leave them in. And then you find one more picture of yourself you can basically tolerate, maybe even a bathroom selfie. Or perhaps your hodgepodge of photos show you at different weights, hairstyles or at drastically different angles. It should go without saying that your photos are supremely important. Yet any cursory perusal of any online dating site will show you that tons of otherwise smart and capable people are abysmal at selecting appealing photos of themselves. You are smart and capable and you can do better! The #1 self-sabotaging move online is to not use photos at all. Don’t even think about it! Think of the person you know who would go out with someone they met online they’d never seen a photo of. Can’t think of anyone? Exaaactly. DO NOT USE THESE PHOTOS: •

Pictures with friends: You might feel more comfortable “hiding” in plain sight with your friends. Maybe you think showing your friends makes you look fun and social. Or you might just really love that picture that happens to have you

and 3 of your best friends. But the offline, romantic connection you’re seeking starts with a picture of relaxed, beautiful YOU. This is YOUR profile, and not only does it cause confusion for whoever is trying to decide if they’re interested in you, but you might be overshadowed by someone else in the photo, which is the last thing you want to do. •

Old photos: Think about the endgame here. Since your ultimate goal is to actually connect with someone offline, a less than accurate photo that doesn’t reflect your current appearance is going to lead to disappointment for your eventual in-person meeting. That’s the stuff online horror stories are made of.

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Selfies: I don’t mind a good selfie, and most other people don’t either. There is actual research that suggests that men are much more receptive to selfies than women are. So if you are a woman, a selfie is not a bad idea, so long as it well-lit, you are smiling and you are outside of a bathroom. Bathroom selfies are NEVER a good idea. Webcam selfies rarely turn out well and have the added negative of giving the impression of your being a shut-in. If you do go the selfie route, limit it yourself to 1. Your other photos should be taken by another human being, or at least a self-timer.

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Your many faces: You should have 3 photos that look like the same person in your current incarnation. Otherwise, your photos are immediately creating distrust – who is this person and what does she/he really look like?

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Your EXACT same face: I often see people post 2-3 photos of themselves (usually selfies) at the exact same angle, with the exact same facial expression. All you are conveying with these copycat photos is that you have found your “good” side and it leaves the viewer to wonder what you are hiding.

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All closeups: It’s all well and good to have a closeup (NOT an extreme one) and in fact you should have one, so people can get a good, clear look at your lovely face. But if all of your photos are closeups, it gives the impression that you are hiding something south of your neckline. Again, remember the endgame – you want to accurately reflect your appearance. If you’re uncomfortable with a full-body photo, be sure to wear an outfit you love and experiment with angles that make you feel and look your best – but don’t misrepresent yourself. The right person for you will love you for you and that includes whatever perceived flaws you think you have.

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Too cool for effort: This is one of the most self-sabotaging photo tendencies I see. You do not need professional photos, and you shouldn’t be getting so dolled up that you’re unrecognizable. You should look like yourself, but the


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best version of yourself. Not a half-smiling, thrown together outfit version of yourself. Men in particular are guilty of this. Put a bow on it, folks! •

Glamour Girl (or Guy): I’ve already told you to put some effort into your photos and to put your best foot forward. But do NOT go overboard! If you’re someone who walks around everyday looking like you’ve just stepped out of the hair and makeup trailer (think: Kim Kardashian), then do you! But if not, take it easy on the beautification. This also goes for professional, staged photos and photo-retouching. Want to remove that blemish? Go for it. Want to give yourself the nose of your dreams? Get over it!

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Sad/stern/serious face: So you don’t like smiling in pictures? Well, how do you like going on dates? Warmth, kindness and approachability are the goal here. If you’re not smiling in any of your photos you will not look like a warm and friendly person. Men can get away with 1 serious looking photo (as long as it’s not a scowl, a death stare or the inexplicable “middle finger” photo), but this works so rarely for most women it’s not worth the risk.

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Blurry/out-of-focus: You might be able to overlook your photo’s fuzziness, but you already know what you look like! Don’t expect anyone else to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Your Profile Is Just Another Version of Your Resume. Dating is not a job interview. It’s awesome that you are smart and successful, and those qualities are part of what the right person will love about you. But you are not your job. If you’re approaching dating like a job interview, you will surely find yourself with few applicants and few offers of “employment.” At best, you look clueless and uninteresting. At worst, you come across as pretentious or lazy. It might feel safe to “lead” with your accomplishments, but what truly draws someone in is the person you are, not your resume. So drop the list of credentials, the details of your job and a mere recitation of your professional accomplishments. You Don’t Reach Out to Others, Or Only to Ones Who Look “Perfect.” Listen, I get it. You are awesome. So it would seem completely reasonable for you to sit back and wait for the messages from only the most eligible singles to come rolling in. Except the reality is, not everyone will see your profile, not everyone who sees it will be motivated enough to reach out to you, and not everyone who wants to reach out to you will think their chances of getting a response are good enough to bother. The solution: you actively search and reach out to those who interest you. And not the one profile you see per month that looks “perfect.” It can take, on average, 20 online


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contacts to get 1 response. So go outside of your comfort zone. If someone’s profile is intriguing, but maybe the pics are so-so? Give it a shot. An exploratory email is not a marriage proposal and it shouldn’t be approached with the same level of caution. Before you judge someone’s profile too harshly, remember that not everyone has the benefit of learning how to put their best foot forward online like you are right now! Dropping The Ball Once It Becomes “Too Real” Don’t be that person! That person is the one all people who are seriously looking to meet someone online complain about. Sure, they’re willing to exchange an email or two, but as soon as it’s suggested that they actually meet face-to-face, they’re gone. You are spending the time, energy and money to be on an online site. Remember your endgame! Face-toface meetups are the goal and they should happen sooner rather than later. He or she doesn’t have to be Mr. or Mrs. Right (and you can’t know that at this point, anyway), they just have to be Mr. Right for coffee on a Thursday! Relying On Every Cliché Known to Woman and Man I know that writing an online dating profile can be a daunting task. Don’t fear CHAPTER 6 – CHOOSING YOUR WORDS WISELY will help you to write your best profile ever. Writing a compelling profile is difficult for many people, which probably explains the reliance on clichés like “I’m just as comfortable in high heels as I am in sneakers.” You are a unique, original human being. Don’t rely on this half-assing technique in your profile. The person YOU are seeking isn’t looking for just anyone, and not for someone who sounds just like everyone else.


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CHAPTER 4 – WHOLE ASSING, BUT BADLY Maybe you’ve recognized yourself in the preceding half-assing examples. But maybe you didn’t. It’s possible that you tried online dating - really tried and you still didn’t have any luck. Or maybe everything above sounds like a no-brainer to you, and you know not to do any of those things once you start dating online. That’s awesome! But there are a few more common mistakes I want to be sure you don’t make. So keep reading!

A FEW MORE “DON’Ts” Focus on the Negative. It never ceases to amaze me how many people use their precious profile real estate to talk about what they don’t want. Common examples are: “Don’t message me if you’re a liar, a drunk, a drug addict or a commitment-phobe.” “If you can’t handle a man who’s real, not into games or drama or bullshit, move on to the next profile.” “Cheaters and men over 40 need not apply.” “Don’t bother writing to me if you’re overweight, under 6ft tall or unemployed.” Bitter much? The chips on your shoulder are not sexy! When I confront clients with the negative statements in their profiles, I often hear: “But I want to be clear about what I’m looking for!” That’s a valid answer, except being clear about what you’re looking for and sounding angry, shallow, jaded or bitter are two different things. If you’re telling me what you don’t want, I will automatically assume that you are either: rigid, overly-critical, superficial, pessimistic or that you commonly engage with people who are the exact thing you say you don’t want. Not to mention that you have control issues. None of these things are good. Overshare You want to give a sense of who you are and your personality, but do not attempt to include all of the details of your life, including your ex who cheated on you, your mental


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health issues, your sexual proclivities, how your parents screwed you up or the name of your ex who broke your heart. Keep it concise, keep it intriguing and keep it light. There’s plenty of time to get into your complete biography once you’re actually getting to know each other. Be Pessimistic I see many “I doubt this works, but I figured I’d try anyway” type profiles. The chances that someone amazing is going to see statements like this and think: “I’d love to meet that Negative Nancy!” are slim. Have Transparent Ulterior Motives (a.k.a. You Think You’re Slick – But You’re Wrong). When it comes to people looking for serious relationships, the following is generally true: For men, one of their biggest turnoffs is a woman who is looking to “get” something from them. For women, they are generally turned off by men who sound bitter, angry or like they’re only looking for sex. People are more sensitive to subtext than you might realize. Statements such as: “I want a man who can show me new places and new things.” “I’m looking for someone who is successful and knows how to treat a woman.” “I love a man who spoils me.” These kinds of statements come across like: “I have nothing much to offer, but I am sure as hell expecting to get something out of you” or “I am looking for a rich man to take care of me.” For men, you are unlikely to get a response from a quality woman when you make statements like: “I love a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality and knows how to please a man.” “It’s a turn-on when a woman wears sexy clothes and high heels.” “I’m looking for a real woman who knows how to treat a real man.” Women read these statements as: “I’m looking for a submissive sexpot.”


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Now, there are plenty of men who’d be happy to provide financially for a woman, and plenty of women who will joyfully sex it up for her man. But people looking for genuine connections do not want to be told that their money or their willingness to have sex is the primary characteristic you are seeking. Lest you think I am catering to gender stereotypes, I’d like to note the opposite is also true. There are plenty of men looking for women willing to support them financially and plenty of women looking primarily for sex partners. But I am guessing that if you’ve read this far, this is not you. Be Overly Specific "Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them." -- “Zero Effect” I’m not suggesting you should settle for whomever you get. You have standards and you should have standards. I will go into more detail about which preferences you should state in your profile and which you should keep to yourself in CHAPTER 6 – CHOOSING YOUR WORDS WISELY. But right now I implore you to take the list of superficial preferences you have (everyone has them) and set them aside. You might really only want to date freckled redheaded astrophysicists who play tennis and enjoy sailing. Incidentally, that level of specificity probably has a lot to do with why you’re single. But also - it does not an appealing profile make. A preference is just that – a preference. It is not a requirement. Be sure to differentiate between the two. Say you are a freckled, redheaded astrophysicist, avid tennis player and part-time sailor. Which profile do you find more appealing? Profile A: Looking for a hot redheaded astrophysicist who loves to sail and play tennis as much as I do. Must have freckles and a mean serve! Profile B: Some of my favorite activities are tennis and sailing. My ideal partner is smart, intellectually curious and active with a sense of adventure.


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Which one would you find more enticing? Which gives you a sense the person is seeking mutually shared values and which feels like a rote list of superficial preferences? Obviously Profile B gets my vote. If you’re saying: “But I only want someone who likes to sail! Sailing is really important to me.” I offer you this: if sailing is your passion, say so. Anyone who also likes to sail will probably be drawn to your profile because of your mutual interest. Anyone who thinks the idea of learning to sail will be drawn to it as well. Your potential mate does not exist to reflect back to you your favorite qualities or to embody the qualities you wish you possessed. Someone who is perfect for you might not enjoy your exact same hobbies. But that person might come to enjoy or at least appreciate them. Just like they might open your eyes to some new experiences and activities they’re passionate about. We all want to be seen for who we are at our core, not simply as a collection of superficial characteristics. F.O.U.A. Here is the thing about online dating: You can’t control who is going to find you appealing. Some websites allow you to add filters prohibiting users with certain characteristics from contacting you. But for the most part, you can’t control who sends you an unsolicited message. We discussed this in CHAPTER 2 – WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING TO MEET SOMEONE ONLINE – but it bears repeating. You WILL get messages from people you’re not interested in. You might get a lot of them. But don’t forget that one of the best things about online dating is that it is perfectly acceptable to ignore people you are not interested in, or even “hide” or “block” their profiles so they can’t continue to contact you. Fear of unwanted attention (F.O.U.A. – yes, I just made that up) is an excuse that is helping keep you single. When you get a message from someone you’re not interested in, delete it and move on. If the message is respectful, say a silent thank you to the universe for sending some positive attention your way. And then delete the message and move on.


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CHAPTER 5 – PICTURE PERECTION As important as it is to put your best foot forward in the words you choose, when you’re dating, you’re hoping for people to find you physically attractive. That’s sort of the deal with dating, isn’t it? If your photos are poor, what you write is meaningless because hardly anyone will bother reading it. That saying about a picture being worth a thousand words is doubly true online! Match.com touts that profiles with photos get 14X more responses on average than ones without. They’re not tracking the quality of the photos, but you already know how important pictures are because you know how important they are to you. Your profile should have 3 great photos – at least one headshot (main profile photo) and at last one full-body shot (keep your clothes on, please). See the “bonus” below for my recommended 3rd photo. More than 3 photos hits the point of diminishing returns, so choose your best 3 and stop there. It is so basic that your photos are important that it should go without saying, but based on the profile photos I see on a regular basis, it must be said. GET SOME GOOD PHOTOS! Here’s how.

HOW-TO GET YOUR BEST PHOTOS: 1. Get a friend and two outfits you love. Women should choose colors and at least one v-neck. Studies show that men respond more positively to women wearing red, so if you have a red v-neck, all the better. Once you’ve got your outfits, do something to relax yourself and make your “photo shoot” fun – a bottle of wine might help (but not too much – don’t get sloppy!). You might be able to get a friend who also needs profile photos and you can take turns and laugh through the awkwardness together! 2. Make sure you have good, soft light. If you’re indoors, nothing fluorescent and if you’re outside, avoid high noon. The “golden hour” before sunset produces incredibly warm and flattering sunlight. It’s like a real-life Instagram filter. I highly recommend it. 3. I personally love iPhone photos, but any smartphone that takes good photos will do the trick. An actual digital camera is fine too of course, if you have one. 4. Get ready to take a LOT of pictures. I would recommend at least 50. If you’re uncomfortable getting your picture taken, make it 100. It’ll probably take you 50 just to relax enough to get a good one. If you get an amazing photo for each © 2015 Francesca Hogi | Made to Measure Matching™ www.francescahogi.com

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outfit in the first 5, fantastic. But if you take a minimum of 50 (or 100), you’re bound to get at least 2-3 really great options. 5. Smile. Relax your jaw. Choose a friend who makes you laugh. You’re going for relaxed and warm. Look into the camera with “soft” eyes. It might sound ridiculous, but you can do this! Put yourself in the shoes of the person you want to attract. Is this person warm, loving, affectionate? Project those emotions while you gaze into the camera. Practice, practice, practice! 6. Be sure to get a fantastic headshot (collarbone and up) and also a full-body picture. The headshot should be the first photo in your profile, and women should be looking directly at the camera and smiling. Men should smile, but can also look away from the camera. The second should be a full-body shot. To maximize your selection, make sure you get good options for each with different outfits on. 7. BONUS: If you can get an “action” photo of yourself doing something you enjoy – playing tennis, riding your bike, walking your dog, awesome! If you have a RECENT photo of yourself from your last 5K, or your bowling league and it’s flattering, feel free to use it. If you can’t manage the “action photo,” insert a laughing or “having fun” photo for your third shot. You can even include another person or two IF and only IF you are clearly center-stage in the photo. (Think of yourself as the star and the others as background extras). This should not be the first photo in your profile and no one should be outshining you.


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CHAPTER 6 – CHOOSING YOUR WORDS WISELY Now that you know what to expect, how not to be a half-asser, how to look your best and what NOT to say, here’s what you should say. Your profile should consist of three basic parts. 1. This is who I am, what is important to me and how I live my life. 2. This is who I am looking for and how we can enjoy life together. 3. This is why you should contact me. All three parts are equally important. Some sites, like OKCupid, break the profile up into more than 3 sections. That is totally fine, the same principles apply. 1 and 2 are always included and 3 will ensure you get more and better responses. Who I am. A stranger wants to get a sense of your personality. Are you optimistic, cerebral, funny, affectionate, introverted or adventurous? Are you happiest when you are with your friends, learning something new or relaxing by the beach? Do you work hard, play hard or strive for a balance of both? You want to accurately convey your basic characteristics. Do you have a favorite story you like to tell about something you once did? What are you most proud of? Who I’m looking for. We’ve already covered what not to say here. Don’t be overly specific about superficial characteristics. What are your values? You don’t want to alienate someone because you are too specific about your preferred body type, but if you are devoutly religious, you probably do want to weed out people who don’t share your religious values. What kinds of things do you like to do with your partner? What is your vision of your relationship? Do you confide in each other, work out together, cook together, or take a yearlong trip around the world? Paint a picture of the kind of life you’d enjoy with your partner. You should write to me because _________ One major element many profiles lack is what they refer to in marketing as a “call to action.” What that means is, you want to make it easy for someone to write to you by giving them a specific reason. You don’t want them to have to rack their brains to find something in your profile to latch on to.


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For example, closing your profile with one of the following makes it easy for anyone interested to reach out to you: “If you have a pick for the greatest jazz musician of all time, I’d love to hear it.” “I’m on a quest for the best burger in Chicago. Any recommendations?” Statements or questions like these leave the reader with an immediate reason to write you. They give a sense of your personality and interests AND they are easy conversation starters! Contrast the above with these common types of statements: “I don’t like writing about myself. If you want to know anything, just ask.” “Just want to meet someone nice who I can make a life with.” These statements are so open-ended, a person would really have to think about how to respond. Even if someone has some initial interest in your profile, they might pass if they can’t think of anything more interesting to say than “hi.” “Hi” isn’t a terrible message, but over email it isn’t much of a conversation starter and then it puts the burden on the recipient to try to keep the conversation going. Exercise: 1. Write down the 10 best things about you. The 10 things you like most about yourself and you’re most proud of. Is it your humor, your willingness to try new things, your baking skills? DON’T BE AFRAID TO TOOT YOUR OWN HORN. Incorporate at least 5 from this list into your profile. 2. Ask 2-3 of your best friends to write a paragraph describing you. Use their words as a basic framework for your “about me” section. 3. Write down a paragraph or two where you honestly say what your loving goals are. Is it to find someone with whom you can explore the world, start a family, support with unconditional love? Don’t hold back, no one else has to read what you are writing. Once you’ve done that, take one or two of the sincere sentiments you’ve written and incorporate them into your profile. BE SINCERE. You’re looking for a true partnership and you are aiming to attract similarly minded people.


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4. Search and examine profiles of users who are the same gender, age and sexual orientation as you. You will start to see which ones work and which ones sound boring, self-centered and clichéd. Get inspired!


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CHAPTER 7 – A FEW MORE NUTS AND BOLTS If you’ve made it this far, I am hopeful you’re motivated enough to get your online profile up and running. Before you go, there are a few more pointers I want to share.

Don’t Gain Any New Pen Pals. Remember my NUMBER ONE RULE of online dating? Get the communication offline and in-person as soon as possible. Don’t forget the endgame – to meet someone you are able to have a relationship with. There are those half-assers out there who are happy to keep a back and forth going endlessly – you don’t have time for that. After a few emails have been exchanged, arrange to meet in person (in a public place – more on that below). If they’re long distance, Skype instead of talking on the phone. Nothing in online dating is more disappointing than discovering the person you’ve spent weeks getting attached to via email or text or phone is someone who’s a definite no-go once you meet face-to-face.

Choose Your Site Wisely. There are hundreds of dating sites out there and it can be daunting choosing the right one for you. My advice is to choose two – one large, mainstream site like match.com or okcupid.com and one smaller, niche site like howaboutwe.com or ourtime.com or blackpeoplemeet.com. There are sites for every proclivity, ethnicity, religion and hobby, so be sure to check out the ones that sound promising to you.

Don’t Nitpick. You’ll encounter bad grammar, nonsensical metaphors and outright bizarre oversharing of personal information. Not to mention allegiances to your sworn sports rival or declaration of love for the most overrated movie of the last decade. These things can be off-putting for sure. But there’s a line between the outlandish and the plain misguided, and some of those misguided users online are still really great people. Don’t veto someone just because you don’t like their favorite band or they have a cat and you’re a dog person or because they don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Besides, they might actually know the difference and what they’re really bad at is proofreading. You are not going to find a carbon copy of yourself, and that’s a good thing. If you find yourself being really hard on people, try to imagine what the online profile would have looked like of all of the people you’ve ever dated or wanted to date. I


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guarantee some of them would have done a terrible job of representing themselves well online. It is not that easy for most people!

Beat The Algorithms. All dating sites use different algorithms that determine where you show up in the search results. Higher is better, where your chances of visibility are increased. Almost all sites prioritize new users, so if you’ve been on a site for awhile, especially if you’ve been neglecting your profile, you’re going to show up lower in the search results. If you’ve had a profile languishing for many months, I recommend deleting it and starting from scratch. On some sites, simply revising your profile will cause it show up as “new.” Be sure to keep it fresh and keep yourself getting in front of the most potential matches.

If It’s Not Working, Switch It Up. There will be a point at which your online activity plateaus. Don’t be afraid to switch out your photos, scrap your profile or try a new site if you’re not getting the kind of traction you’re looking for. Keep experimenting!

Challenge Yourself To Date Against Type. Look, what do you have to lose? Things aren’t working so well with the “type” you usually go for. So why not give someone new a chance? You never know who might surprise you (in a good way), when you meet face-to-face.

Reach Out! As I discussed in CHAPTER 3 – NO HALF-ASSING ALLOWED, it’s important to proactively search and reach out to the profiles that catch your eye. You won’t always get a response and you shouldn’t take that personally – there could be tons of reasons why that have nothing to do with you! Even if you’re not planning the wedding based on their profile photos, that’s OK – reach out! Your first month online, I challenge you to aim to contact a minimum of 20 people per week. I know that sounds like a lot, but you can do it! You can find them all at once while watching your favorite Sunday night shows if you need to. Use their profile “calls to action” (if they have one) as a conversation starter, or else something specific in their profile that catches your eye. Keep your messages short and sweet, just a sentence or two. Sign your messages with your real first name to make it more personal. How easy is that?


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Protect Yourself. A first date should consist of a drink or a cup of coffee in a public place in an area you are familiar with. If it winds up being terrible, no big deal – you can finish your latte and hightail it out of there. Tell a friend where you’re going, bring your phone and use your common sense. Be wary of anyone who asks you too many personally identifying details before you’ve even met. This goes especially if they’re not being particularly forthcoming with their own personal information. If you’re uncomfortable giving a stranger your phone #, set up a Google voice # (it’s free!) and they’ll be none the wiser.

Don’t Put Your Eggs in One Basket. I’m psyched if you’re ready to date online! But remember that this is but one way to meet people and don’t forget about all of the other, non-dating site ways that you can connect. Other online avenues are Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn – the number of couples connecting via social media is increasing everyday! Dating apps for your phone such as Tinder and Hinge are also a fantastic supplement to your online dating routine, and require a lot less setup. Do things that you enjoy doing out in the world and don’t be shy about connecting with other people while you’re doing them! Expanding your social circle is a fantastic strategy for meeting potential partners. So make some new friends! So keep your eyes open for new ways to connect, using technology AND face-to-face!

Have Fun! This doesn’t have to be a chore. Online dating is a means to an end – getting offline and going on dates, which can be really exciting and fun! Get a single friend to venture online with you and hold each other accountable. Set a goal for how many dates you will go on in a month. Don’t strive for perfection in your matches – it doesn’t exist! Be open to possibility and enjoy the journey.

Stay In Touch! Good luck and happy dating, lovebug! If you’d like to discuss how I can further help you on your road to love either online or offline, please contact me at [email protected] or through my website at www.francescahogi.com.


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Even if we never work together, I’d love to hear about how your journey is progressing. You can connect with me via Twitter www.twitter.com/DearFranny and/or Facebook at: www.facebook.com/DearFranny! I hope you’ve enjoyed The Skeptic’s Guide To Online Dating Success! If you have, I’d appreciate it if you direct your friends to www.francescahogi.com so they can download their own copy, as well as stay up-to-date with my other free resources to help them design the life and love of their dreams. xoxo Francesca


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The Skeptic s Online Dating Guide

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