The Definitive Book of Body Language Chapter 1 – Understanding the Basics •
In the Beginning… o
Albert Mehrabian
Impact of a message •
7% verbal o
•
38% vocal o
•
o
o
55% nonverbal
Ray Birdwhistell
Study of nonverbal communication
Key to body language reading understanding a person’s emotional condition •
while listening to what they are saying o
noting the circumstances under which they are saying it
Why women are more perceptive o
Perception
o
Spotting contradictions between someone’s words and their body language
Women vs Men
14 to 16 areas of the brain vs. 4 to 6 areas •
For communicating and evaluating people
Female brain •
Organized for multi-tracking o
•
Tone, inflection, etc
Kinesics
•
words
Juggle between 2 and 4 unrelated topics at the same time
Basic origins o
Smiling
Threat gesture in most carnivorous animals
Primates •
Used in conjunction with nonthreatening gesture o
o
Sneering
o
Show submission
Warn others of attack
Nostril flare
Allows more oxygen to body for ‘fight or flight’
Primates •
Backup support is needed to deal with a threat
Humans •
Threat
o
•
•
Anger / irritation
•
Something isn’t right
Universal gestures o
Ex.: Shoulder shrug
Person doesn’t know
Person doesn’t understand
3 main parts •
Exposed palms o
•
•
Shows nothing is concealed
Hunched shoulders o
Protect the throat from attack
Raised brow o
•
Emotional or physical
Submissive greeting
3 Rules for accurate reading o
Rule 1: Read Gesture in clusters
Interpreting a single gesture is a novice error •
Single gestures are like single spoken words
Clusters are like sentences •
People often have repetitive gesture clusters
•
Ex.: Critical Evaluation o
o
Hand-to-face gesture
Index finger pointing up the cheek
Other fingers cover mouth
Thumb supports chin
Legs tightly crossed
o
Arm across body
o
o
Says, “I don’t like what you’re saying”
“I disagree”
“I’m holding back negative feelings”
Check that a person’s words and body language are not in conflict
Rule 3: Read gestures in context
•
Negative / hostile
Rule 2: Look for Congruence
o
Defensive
Head and chin down
o
Defensive
Gestures should always be considered in the context that they occur
How to become a great reader o
15 minutes a day
o
Become aware of your own gesture
o
o
Read anywhere many people meet and interact
Airport
Shopping mall
Turn down the television volume
News shows
Talk shows
Chapter 2 – The Power is in your Hands •
How to detect openness o
Exposing palms
When someone begins to open up / be truthful •
Concealing them may be a sign of not wanting to open up •
•
Deceptiveness
Use of palms to deceive o
Open-palm gestures give appearance of honesty
Also encourage honesty •
•
They will expose part or all of their palms to the other person
In speaker and receiver
Palm Power o
3 main palm command gestures
Palm-up position •
Submissive
•
Non-threatening
•
Ex. : if you want someone to talk and be open o
‘handover’ gesture
Palm-down position •
Immediate authority
•
antagonizing
Palm-closed-finger-pointed position •
Symbolic ‘club’ o
Beats listeners into submission
•
Evokes negative feelings
•
Replace with ‘OK’ type gesture o
Finger curled in, thumb pressed on top
o
Seem authoritative, not aggressive
You are ready to listen
Thoughtful, goal-oriented, focused
Ex.: You use a palm command gesture and ask a person to pick something up and move it to another location •
Palm-up position o
Not feel pressured
o •
Unlikely to feel threatened
Palm-down position o
Person will sense as an order
o
Feel antagonistic
•
Palm-closed-finger-pointed position o
Feel annoyed
o
Feel oppressed
o
Speaker comes off
•
Origins
Lower-arm-grasp •
Gripping each other’s wrists
•
Check for concealed weapons
Evolution •
Seal commercial deals
Dominance o
3 transmitted attitudes
Dominance •
Turning your hand palm downwards o
Turning your hand palm upwards o
Effective if you want to give the other person control
•
Allow the other person to feel they are in charge
•
A person trying to protect their hands
Job-related
arthritis
Equality •
Both struggle for control o
Equality and mutual respect
Women
High feminine signals in a handshake •
Loses credibility
Firmer handshake is a sign of being open to new ideas
Create Rapport o
Ex.: an apology
Considerations o
o
Like a dog exposing their throat
•
o
Communicates that you want to take control
Submission •
•
Aggressive, belligerent, rude
Handshakes o
•
Especially if they have more rank
2 ingredients to rapport
•
Be sure that both you and the other person’s palms are in the vertical positions
Apply the same pressure that you receive
Disarm a Power Player o
o
Palm-Down Thrust
Like a nazi salute
Typical of overbearing, dominant person •
Always initiates it
•
Forces receiver into submissive position
Countering the Palm-Down thrust
Step-to-the-right technique •
st
1 step forward with your left foot as you reach to shake hands o
•
Considering common to shake with right hand
nd
2 step forward with your right leg o
Moving across in front of the person
rd
•
3 bring your left leg across to your right leg
•
Allows you to straighten the handshake o
Possibly turn it to a submissive
The Hand-on-Top Technique •
Respond with hand in palm-up position o
Then put left hand over his to form Double-Hander
•
Switches the power from them to you Grasp their hand on top and shake o
Use if a person
Palm-thrusts regularly
Uses it to intimidate
Left-side Advantage o
Easier to gain the upper hand when shaking hands
•
Straighten the handshake
The Last Resort •
•
Into their personal space
Ex.: in photographs
Control o
Two-handed handshakes
Origin •
90% of the humans are born with the ability to throw the right arm in front of the body for basic self-defense o
•
Double-Hander restricts this defense
Increases the amount of physical contact
Left hand is used to communicate the depth of feeling the initiator wants to convey
•
The relative distance the initiator’s left hand is placed up the receiver’s arm
•
Establishes control over the receiver
Should never be used in greetings where a person bond doesn’t exist •
Only acceptable in instances where a hug would be appropriate
•
If a person uses one on you they may have a hidden agenda
Double-Hander
Wrist Hold
Elbow Grasp
Upper-Arm Grip
The Shoulder Hold
8 Worst handshakes o
The wet fish
o
Cold and clammy hand
The vise
Palm presented down
Crushing grip
1 sharp downward thrust •
2 or 3 hard return strokes
A sign of fear of being dominated
o
The Bone-crusher
o
Finger-tip grab
o
o
Aim is to keep the receiver at a comfortable distance
This also can result from differences in personal space
Stiff-arm thrust
Used by aggressive types
Main purpose is to keep people at a distance
Large personal space bubble
Socket-wrencher
Forcefully gripping the receivers outstretched palm •
Then applying a sharp reverse thrust dragging the receiver in
Can mean 1 of 3 things •
The initiator is an insecure type o
o
•
The initiator is from a culture with smaller special needs
•
The initiator wants to control the receiver by pulling them off balance
Pump handle
The pumper continues to pump the arm more than the accepted 7 max.
May also continue to hold the receiver’s hand after pumping has ceased •
o
Only feels safe in their own personal space
Dutch Treat
Prevents escape
•
“Giving a handshake like a bunch of carrots
Stiff fingers
Power of touch o
Elbow touch
Touching with your left hand while shaking hands with your right has powerful results •
Gives up to 3x chance of getting what you want
•
Works for 3 reasons o
Elbow is considered a public space
o
Far away from intimate parts of the body
Touching a stranger is not considered acceptable in most countries
o o
Creates an impression
Light, 3-second, elbow touch creates a momentary bond
Hand brush
Chapter 3 – The Magic of Smiles and Laughter •
Muscles and smiling o
Two sets of muscles control a smile
Zygomatic major muscles •
Run down the side of the face
•
Connect to the corners of the mouth
•
Pull the mouth back to expose the teeth o
•
Enlarge the cheeks
Consciously controlled o
Can be used to produce fake smiles
Orbicularis oculi •
Pull the eyes back o
Make the eyes narrow
o
Cause ‘crow’s feet’
o
Act independently
•
Reveals true feelings
•
Genuine smile o
Eye cover fold moves downward
o • •
To appear subordinate
Fleshy part of the eye between the eyebrow and eyelid
Eyebrows dip slightly
Show sincerity
Aggression o
Apes
Bare their lower fangs, warning they can bite
o
Humans
Drop or thrust forward the lower lip •
•
Unsheathing the lower teeth
Signal of submission o
Chimps have 2 smiles
Fear Face •
Submission to a dominant other
•
Appeasement
•
Lower jaw opens to expose teeth o
•
“I’m not a threat because, as you can see, I’m fearful of you.”
Play face •
Teeth are exposed o
•
•
•
Similar to laughter
“I’m not a threat because, as you can see, I’m a playful child.”
Humans
Tells the other person you are nonthreatening
Asks the other person to accept you on a personal level
Smiling is Contagious o
‘Mirror neuron’ in the brain
Triggers the area responsible for recognition of faces and expressions •
Causes instant mirroring reaction o
•
Corners of the mouth and the eyes are drawn upward
Vocal sounds are made o
o
Corners of mouth are pulled back and down
We automatically copy facial expressions we see
Smiles trick the brain o
Hardwired
The ability to decode smiles is an aid to survival •
Need to be able to recognize whether an approaching stranger is friendly or aggressive
o
Fake Smile
Appears stronger on one side of the face than the other •
Both sides of the brain attempt to make it appear genuine
•
The right half of the brain’s cortex that specializes in facial expressions sends signals mainly to the left side of the body o
False facial emotions are pronounced on the left side of the face
Deliberate liars smile less than usual •
Liars associate the common societal belief that liars smile more
•
When they do smile o
Comes quicker and lasts longer than normal
“liars mask’
•
5 common types of smiles o
Tight-lipped smile
Lips are stretched tight across the face to form a straight line •
o
Teeth are concealed
Sends the message that the smiler •
has a secret
•
withheld opinion
•
attitude they won’t be sharing
favored by women who don’t want to reveal they don’t like someone •
read by other women as a rejection signal
•
most men are oblivious to it
The Twisted Smile
Shows opposite emotions on each side of the face •
Ex.: the right brain raises the left-side eyebrow, the left zygomatic muscles and the left cheek to produce one type of smile on the left side of the face o
The left brain pulls the same muscles downward on the right side to produce an angry frown
Can only be done deliberately •
o
Only means sarcasm
The Drop-Jaw Smile
Only the lower jaw is dropped down to give the impression that the person is laughing or playful
o
•
Engenders likability
•
Ex. : the Joker
Sideways-looking-up Smile
With the head turned down and away while looking up with a tight-lipped smile •
The smile looks juvenile, playful, and secretive
Shown to be men’s favorite when women do it •
Engenders parental male feeling o
•
o
Makes men want to protect and care for females
Frequently used by women to attract men o
Seductive
o
Powerful ‘come-on’ signal
The George W. Bush Grin
Permanent smirk
Makes the majority of people think you are hiding something
Chapter 4 – Arm Signals
•
Arm Barrier Signals o
Crossed-Arms gesture
Learned as a substitute for not hiding behind things like a child may do
Creates a barrier •
Protects vital organs, the heart and lungs
•
Unconscious attempt to block out what we perceive as
•
o
A threat
o
Undesirable circumstances
Can be seen when a person is o
Nervous
o
Negative
o
Has a defensive attitude
When a listener has their arms and/or legs crossed •
Speaker credibility dramatically reduces o
•
A listener pays less attention o
As a speaker, when you see someone in arms-crossed position Assume you may have said something that they disagree with o •
It may be pointless to continue your line of argument
Solution o
Give them something to hold or something to do
Gender differences o
Men’s arms rotate slightly inward
o
Allows men to aim and throw more accurately
Women’s arms rotate slightly outward
Splayed elbows give a wider, more stable position for carrying babies
Women tend to keep their arms more open around men they find attractive •
•
Retains less of the message
Even if arms-crossed feels comfortable you may m ay be less receptive •
•
Listener has more negative thoughts about the speaker
Fold their arms against men they find aggressive or unattractive
Crossed-Arms-on-Chest o o
o
attempt to put a barrier between the person and someone / something they don’t like Universal
Defensive and negative
Commonly seen in •
Strangers in public meetings
•
Lines
•
Elevators
•
Anywhere people feel uncertain / insecure
Solutions
Give the listener something to hold
•
Pen, book, brochure
Give the listener something to do •
Sample, written test
Ask them to lean forward to look at a visual presentation
Stand-up or Lean forward with palms up •
•
Address them with a statement o
“I can see you have a question…what would you like to know?”
o
“What’s your opinion?”
Then sit or lean back to indicate that it’s their turn to speak o
o
Weapons
•
People who are carrying weapons will rarely use an arms-crossed gesture
Reinforced Arm-Crossing o
Fists-Clenched-Arms-Crossed
Clenched fists coupled with full arm-cross •
Shows hostility and defensiveness
If combined •
•
By using palms up, you nonverbally tell to be open and honest
with a tight-lipped smile or clenched teeth and red face o
a verbal, or possibly physical attack could happen
o
means a person also has an aggressive, attacking attitude
Arm-Gripping o
Double-Arm-Grip
Person’s hands tightly gripping their upper arms to reinforce themselves and avoid exposure of their front body
Arms can be gripped so tight that the fingers and knuckles can turn white •
Blood circulation is cut off
It’s a person’s way of comforting themselves with self-hugging
Commonly seen in doctors’ and dentists’ waiting rooms •
Also first time air travelers
Shows a negative, restrained attitude •
Insecurity
•
Not buying what is being sold to them o
Ex.: at the end of a presentation
Person will not say yes •
Better to ask questions o
•
Status and arm-folding o
Superiority can be shown by NOT folding arms
•
Powerful enough to stay vulnerable
Arms-crossed with Thumbs-up o
Shows in control and feeling ‘cool’
Uncover objections
o
Thumbs-up gesture is a way of showing others we have a self-confident attitude
Folded arms still give a feeling of protection
At the end of a presentation
•
Partial-Arm-Cross o
One arm swings across the body to hold or touch the other arm
Forms barrier and acts as hugging self
Common in Women
o
Creates a comfort when in stressful situations
o
Often seen in
•
Listener will accept if clustered with positive gestures
meetings where a person may be a stranger to the group A person lacking self-confidence
Holding-Hands-with-yourself o
Also known as the ‘Broken zipper Position’
o
Recreates the feeling of someone holding your hand
o
Commonly seen
in men
Receiving an award or giving a speech
Feeling dejected and vulnerable •
o •
Line a soup kitchen, unemployment, social security
Protecting the ‘crown jewels’
Arms-crossed with items o
o
o
Cuff-link-adjust
Seen in men adjusting a cufflink
Someone adjusting a watch
Women adjust a bracelet or ring
Flowers-Handbag-Clutch
Women clutch handbags
Men holding briefcase in front of them
Other items
Checking contents of wallet
Clasping / rubbing hands together
Playing with a button
Any gesture that allows an arm to cross in front of the body
Holding a glass with 2 hands •
While sitting where a person places their glass after taking a drink is a strong indicator of whether they are convinced or open to what you are saying o
Feeling hesitant, unsure, negative about what they are hearing
Place the cup to the opposite side of their body •
Single-arm barrier
o
Feeling open, accepting, positive about what they are hearing
o •
Shows anxiousness and self-consciousness
Sitting o
Defensive and submissive
Will sit symmetrical •
o
o
Look as if they expect to be attacked
Defensive and dominant
Display tense muscle tone
Will sit assymetrical •
o
One side of their body is a perfect mirror of the other
Display tense muscle tone •
One side of the body will not mirror the other
Elbows on the armrest of a chair
Position of power
Conveys strong, upright image
Arms dropping inside the arms of the chair
•
Place the cup to the same side as their hand
Appears humble, defeated
Power of touch
Chapter 5 – Cultural Differences •
The biggest cultural differences exist mainly in o
•
Territorial space, Eye contact, touch frequency, insult gestures
3 Most common cross-cultural gestures o
The Ring / OK sign
o
Thumbs up
o
The V-sign / 2
Chapter 6 – Hand and Thumb Gestures •
Hands with speech o
When discussing 2 points of view
A person will use their favored hand when speaking of their favorite point •
•
Gestures improve recall o
Hand gestures
•
Right-handed favor their right
Grab attention, increase impact, improve retention
Rubbing palms together o
Raised-Palms-Rub
Shows positive expectancy •
Ex.: Dice thrower at the craps table o
Waiter rubbing hands together at the end of the meal
The speed of the hand rub signals whom the gesturer think will benefit •
•
Slowly mean the speaker plans to benefit
Thumb and finger rub o
Rubbing the thumb against the index finger is commonly used as a money-expectancy gesture
o •
Wanting money
Should be avoided
Hands Clenched Together o
Shows a restrained, anxious, frustrated, or negative attitude
o
Commonly assumed to signal confidence
o
Used in by a person who thinks they are losing This is not necessarily true
3 main positions
in front of the face
resting on the desk or lap
when standing, in front of crotch
Correlation between height of hands and frustration •
o
Solution
•
The higher the hands are held the more difficult the person will be
Do something to break their hands apart
The Steeple o
Fingers of one hand lightly press against those of the other hand, form a church steeple
Sometimes rock back and forth like a spider doing push-ups
o
Often seen individually, not in clusters
o
Frequently used in superior-subordinate interaction
Giving instructions or advice
o
Indicates a confident or self-assured attitude
o
Should be avoided when you want to be persuasive
o
Raised
Usually used when talking
When combined with the head tilted back •
o
o
An air of smugness / arrogance
Lowered
Usually used when listening
Women use this position more than men
In Chess or games
When you make your play or begin to make a play •
Person leans back and steeples o
•
Confident
Person leans forward and Hand-clenches or Arms-clenched o
Doesn’t like what you have done
o
In clusters
•
When combined with negative gestures like •
Arm-folding, leg-crossing, looking away, hand-to-face gestures
•
May be confident a person won’t say yes
Face Platter o
One hand on top of the other and rest the chin on the back of the top hand, presenting the face to the man
o
Positive gesture used in courtship
o
Used mainly by women and gay men
•
Attract a man’s attention
Hands held behind back o
Gesture of superiority, confidence, fearlessness and power
o
Exposes the vulnerable areas
o
Common among people in a position of authority
o
Stomach, heart, crotch, throat Royalty, police, leaders
3 common placements
Hand-in-palm •
expresses fearlessness, superiority, confidence, and power
Hand-gripping-wrist •
Expresses frustration and is an attempt at self-control o
As if an attempt to prevent the arm from striking out
Upper-arm grip •
Express severe frustration
•
The higher up one hand grips the opposite arm, the more frustrated or angry the person is likely to be
•
Thumb displays o
Thumbs denote superiority
o
Displays dominance, assertiveness, sometimes an aggressive attitude
o
Secondary gestures
o
•
Such as crotch thrusting
•
Rocking on the balls of the feet to show height
Positive signal
o
Usually part of a cluster
Often used as an “I’m cool” gesture
Thumb protruding from pocket
Shows ‘in-control’ attitude
Sometimes reveals lack of sincerity •
If words and other cluster doesn’t match
Back pockets •
Hiding their dominant attitude
Arms-folded-with-thumbs-pointing-upward •
Defensive attitude combined with superior attitude
•
Common to people who o
Gesture with thumbs when they talk
o
Rock on the balls of their feet
Chapter 7 – Evaluation and Deceit Signals •
Lying Research o
Research shows that social liars (people who tell white lies) are more popular than those who continually tell the truth
•
Even though we know the social liar is lying
o
62% of people lie 2 to 3 times every 10 minutes
o
91% of people regularly lie at home and work
Hand gestures and deceit o
People who hear bad news or witness an accident will often cover their entire face with their hands to symbolically stop themselves from hearing or seeing bad news
o
•
Children who lie will often cover their mouth with one or both hands
If they don’t want to listen they cover their ears
If they don’t want to see something they cover their eyes
Hand-to-face gestures o
Occur when a person is lying, covering up, or witnessing deceit
More frequent when lying •
o •
Secondary gestures; part of larger clusters
Women are better liars o
•
Women tell more complicated lies than men
Why it’s hard to lie o
The subconscious mind acts automatically and independently of a verbal lie
o
•
Also more gulps of saliva
Body language gives away the truth
To get away with lying one must practice
What ‘feels’ like the right gestures
Reduce the gesturing, mainly the positive and negative gestures
the most common lying gestures o
The mouth cover
Hand covers the mouth •
The brain subconsciously instructs it to try to suppress the deceitful words being spoken
May only be several fingers or a closed fist •
May also appear as a single finger, “Shhh”
Disguise may be attempted with a fake cough
If done while you are speaking the listener may feel you are hiding something
•
Stop and ask a question o
“I can see some people disagree. Would anyone like to ask a question?”
o
The Nose touch
o
One or Several quick rubs below the nose •
Women do this with smaller strokes than men
•
Read in the context of clusters
•
Not to be mistaken with deliberate scratching of an itchy nose
Caused by chemicals known as catecholamines released into the nasal tissue •
Cause the inside of the nose to swell
•
Also occurs when a person is upset, anxious, angry
The Eye Rub
Brain’s attempt to block out the deceit, doubt, distasteful thing it sees •
o
Also avoid having to look at the face of a person they are lying to
Less likely in women •
Use small, gentle touching motions just below the eye
•
Also avoid gaze by looking away
sometimes combine with a false smile and clenched teeth
The ear grab
Attempt to block the words they are hearing •
Also signals the person has hear enough
Seen as covering, cupping, or tugging •
Also the Finger Drill o
o
Used by someone experiencing anxiety
The neck scratch
Index finger scratches the side of the neck below the earlobe •
o
Rubbing the back of the ear
Usually the writing hand
A person will scratch an average of 5 times
Signal of doubt and uncertainty •
Characteristic of someone who says, “I’m not sure I agree”
•
Very noticeable when verbal language contradicts
The collar pull
Rub, scratch neck or pull collar away from neck to alleviate itching •
Caused by increased blood pressure from deceit and sweat forming on the neck
•
Occurs when a person is feeling angry or frustrated •
Also accounts for this gesture in uncertainty The deceiver may be lying an feel you know they aren’t telling the truth
When someone uses this gesture ask •
“Could your repeat that / clarify that point?”
o
•
Fingers-in-the-Mouth
Unconscious attempt to establish security when a person is under pressure
Also seen by sucking on pen, cigarette, glasses stem, chewing gum
Outward indication of a need for reassurance
Evaluation and Procrastination gestures o
Hand-to-Cheek
Shown by a closed hand resting on the chin or cheek •
o
Genuine interest is shown when the hand lightly rests on the cheek
o
Often with the index finger pointing upward
Not used as head support
Negative thoughts or critical thoughts
When the index finger points vertically up the cheek and the thumb supports the chin
o
Sometimes the index finger may rub or pull at the eye
•
Often misinterpreted as a signal of interest
When losing interest but wants to appear interested for courtesy
o
•
The heel of the palm will begin to support the head
Hand-to-Chin gestures
Chin stroking •
A signal that the listener is going through the decision-making process
•
When asked for their decision, the gestures following a Chin-Stroke will indicate whether their decision will be positive or negative o
Stay quiet and watch the next gestures.
o
Ex. : followed by crossed arms, legs, leaning back
o
Ex: followed by open arms, leaning forward, picking up a sample
Negative Positive
Chin stroke alternative •
Objects in the mouth allow stalling and not to feel urgency in giving an immediate response
•
Glasses o
Following an evaluation cluster, puts one arm of the frame in the mouth
•
Cigarette o
•
o
A smoker will take a puff
When a person puts a pen or finger in their mouth
Stalling clusters
Sometimes boredom, evaluation, and decision-making gestures come in combinations •
Each show different elements of the person’s attitudes
Evaluation-decision-making cluster
•
Evaluation gesture moved to the chin, and the hand may also be stroking the chin o
Person is evaluating the proposition and drawing conclusions at the same time
Evaluation-decision-boredom cluster •
When the listener begins to lose interest in the speaker o
Head begins to rest on the hand
o
Head supported by thumb as listener loses interest
Head rubbing and slapping gestures
‘Pain in the neck’ gesture •
Rubbing the back of the neck o
•
Caused by tingling feeling
Feels threatened, fearful, frustrated, or angry
Forehead slap •
Used to communicate forgetfulness
•
Not intimidated by their forgetfulness o
If they slap the back of their neck they are intimidated by your asking about the result or their forgetfulness
o
Chess games
Steepling •
Uncertainty / unhappy •
•
Confidence Mouth cover, ear grab, neck scratch
Boredom o
Listener supporting their hand on their hand
o
Degree of boredom is related to the extent to which their arm and hand are supporting their head
Usually begins with the chin being supported by the thumb and then by the fist as it wanes. •
Extreme lack of interest is shown when the head is fully supported by the hand
o
Drumming the fingers on the table and continual tapping of the feet on the floor are often misinterpreted as boredom signals
This is a signal of impatience •
The faster the tapping the more impatient
Combined with head rest means it is time to end
Chapter 8 – Eye Signals •
Dilating Pupils o
Pupils dilate and contract as your attitude and mood change from positive to negative and vice versa
o
o
•
Dilation
When someone becomes excited their pupils can dilate up to 4x the original size
Pupils dilate when people view something that stimulates them
Pupils dilate when people reach a solution to a problem or puzzle
Contract
Angry or negative mood causes the pupils to contract to a beady, tiny size
Pupils contract when viewing something that turns them off
Eyebrow flash o
The eyebrows rise rapidly for a split second and then drop again
Purpose is to draw attention to the face so that clear signals can be exchanged
Unconscious signal that acknowledges the other person’s presence •
o
A universal hello
o
Also found in primates
We don’t eyebrow flash strangers or people we don’t like
•
People who don’t eyebrow flash upon greeting tend to be viewed as aggressive
Eye widening o
Lowering the brow shows dominance / aggression
o
Raising the eyebrows show submission
o
Women widen their eyes by raising their eyebrows and eyelids to create a ‘babyface’
Powerful effect on men by releasing hormones in their brain •
•
•
Lowering the head and looking up
A submissive gesture that appeals to men
Makes the eyes appear larger and the woman more child-like
Sexual expression o
Lowering the eyelids while raising the eyebrows, looking up, and slightly parting lips
o
Used by women
Gaze behavior o
To build good rapport maintain a gaze 60 to 70 percent of the time
Meeting gaze less than 33% of the time leads to being untrustworthy
o
Typically whoever looks away first is looked at as subordinate
o
70% of liars maintain strong eye contact with their victim
o
•
Stimulates the desire to defend and protect
The ‘Looking Up’ cluster o
•
Probably linked to the fear reaction of being surprised
Assumption is they are less likely to get caught
Lie-catching ability drops an average of 25%
When a person meets your gaze form than two-thirds of the time
They may find you interesting
They could be issuing a challenge
Sideways Glance o
Used to communicate interest, uncertainty, or hostility
o
o
When combined with slightly raised eyebrows or a smile
Communicates interest
Usually used by women
With down-turned eyebrows, furrowed brow, or corners of mouth down-turned
•
Communicates suspiciousness, hostility, critical attitude
Extended Blinking o
Normal blink rate is 6 to 8 per minute
o
Eyes closed 1/10 of a second
Blink rate increases under pressure
Unconscious attempt to block the stress from their sight
Eyes may close longer •
Sign of superiority o
•
Darting eyes o
Eyes dart from side to side
Brain searching for an escape route
o
Reveals insecurity about what is taking place
o
Seen when listening to a boring individual
•
May be combined with up-turned nose
Also common to see tight-lipped smile with increased eye contact
Basic types of gazes o
The Social Gaze
o
The Intimate Gaze
o
Triangular area between the eyes and the mouth for about 90% of the gaze time The gaze is across the eyes, below the chin to the lower parts of the body •
For close it is between eyes and chest
•
For distance it is between eyes and groin
Gaze is used to show interest in the other person
The Power gaze
The gaze is across the eyes to the middle of the forehead •
Changes the atmosphere to serious
•
Maintains pressure on the person o
o
The Power stare
A non-blinking power stare towards an aggressor
If panning, move eyes first •
o
As long as your gaze doesn’t drop below their eye level
Then move head to follow
NLP
Recalling a picture •
Look upward and to their left
Recalling a sound •
Look to the side and tilt head like listening
Recalling a feature or emotion •
Mentally talking to oneself •
Look down and to their left
These eye movements happen in a fraction of a second •
o
Look down and to their right
Also come in clusters
The Power lift
Controlling where a person is looking using a pen to point to a visual aid
Point to the presentation, paper, etc •
Next lift the pen into the space between your eyes and their eyes o
This will lift their eyes to meet yours you rs
o
Keep your palm open while you are speaking to them
Chapter 9 – Space invaders – territories territories and personal space •
Territory is the area or space around a person that claims as his own o
As if an extension of the body
o
Depends on the society that a person grows up in
o
People in prison typically have larger space needs than most people
o
People in the country typically have larger space needs than people in the city
o •
They tend to be more aggressive A bubble of up to 36 inches Lean in to shake hands
Objects as simple as a pen can reserve space for an average of o f 77 minutes max
Zone Distances o
The intimate zone
6 to 18 inches
Represents the zone a person guards as they would property
Only available to those who are emotionally close
Subzone of 6 or less inches •
o
Personal Zone
18 to 48 inches
Talking distance •
o
o
Only for those of physical closeness
Friendly gatherings
Social Zone
4 to 12 feet
Distance we stand from strangers
Public zone
Over 12 feet
Addressing a large group of people
o
Tolerating strangers to enter our intimate zone from the social zone causes physiological changes within the body
Heart pumps faster
Adrenaline pours into the bloodstream
Blood is pumped to the brain and the muscles
o
If you want people to feel comfortable around you, keep your distance
o
Hip distance
The distance people keep their hips when they embrace is an example of how close they feel with each other
•
Masking o
Attempt to keep a neutral, emotionless mask
o
Common in crowded places or places where someone invades privacy
o
Common habits, like in elevators
No talking to anyone including a person you know
Avoid eye contact
Maintain a ‘poker face’
Pretend to be engrossed in something you are reading •
Like reading elevator numbers change
No movement
Chapter 10 – How the Legs Reveal what the mind wants to do •
People are least aware of their legs and feet o
People jiggle or tap their feet when they want to escape what they are experiencing
o
People increase lower body movements when they lie
•
Glass topped tables cause more stress
Walking o
How people swing their arms when they walk tells what they are like or want people to think they are like
•
•
Gait, speed, arm swing
Purpose of the legs o
Legs are designed to move us toward what we want and away from what we don’t
o
Crossed legs show closed off and uncertainty
o
Uncrossed legs show openness and dominance
4 main standing positions o
At attention
Formal position •
Neutral attitude o
o
No commitment to stay or go
Used more by women than men
Legs apart
Plants both feet firmly on the ground
•
o
Dominance signal •
Crotch display
•
Mainly a male gesture
The Foot-forward
Body weight is shifted to one hip •
o
Leaves the front foot pointing forward o
Foot points where the mind wants to go
o
In groups the points to who we find most interesting
Standing Leg-Cross
Shows a lack of confidence, negative and defensive emotions •
•
Clear statement of no intention of leaving
Causes others to react similarly
Sitting leg cross o
European leg cross
One leg is crossed neatly over the other •
When combined with arm cross •
o
70% of people cross left over right They are emotionally withdrawn from the conversation
American figure four
Seated version of the crotch display
Shows that an argumentative or competitive attitude exists
Men who sit like this are seen as being more dominant •
Also more relaxed and youthful
Figure four leg clamp •
Lock the figure four in place by grasping the ankle o
•
o
o
The person is sticking with their competitive attitude
Sign the person is tough-minded, stubborn, rejects others opinions
The Ankle Lock
Mentally biting your lip
Shows fear, negative emotion, uncertainty
Men doing this include a crotch display
Studies have shown that most people make final decisions with both feet on the floor
Don’t try for a decision if legs are crossed
Chapter 11 – The T he 13 most common gestures you’ll see daily •
The Head Nod o
Signals a yes, agreement, understanding
o
Speed of nod is important
o
Slow = listener interested
Fast= listener has heard enough
Head nodding tends to be reciprocal
•
The Head Shake
•
The basic head position o
Head up
Person has a neutral attitude about what is being said
Combined with chin jutting forward •
o
Head tilt
o
Conveys submission and nonthreatening attitude
Head down
Chin down •
•
o
Raising the shoulders and pulling the head down between them
Person is protecting their vulnerable neck and throat
Trying to appear smaller in order not to cause offense
Used when someone hears a loud bang or something may fall on them
Picking imaginary lint o
A person disapproves of the opinions or attitudes of others
o
o
Doesn’t want to say anything
Usually combined with looking down and away
Good sign the person doesn’t like what’s being said
Solution
Ask what they think •
•
Person takes up more space and shows the weapons of pointed elbows
Half-raised arms
o
Ready for assertive action
o
Makes us appear bigger
o
Achiever stance
o
Combined with coat
Closed coat shows frustration
Open coat, pushed back, shows direct aggression
Cowboy stance o
Thumbs stuck into belt or tops of pockets
Frames the genital area
Mainly used by men •
•
Women who use it are seen as sexually assertive
Legs spread o
•
Sit back, arms apart, palms visible
Hands-on-Hips gesture o
•
Signals negative, judgmental, aggressive attitude
The head duck o
•
Signals superiority, fearlessness, arrogance
Male dominance gesture
Leg-over-the-arm-of-chair
•
•
o
Signifies ownership of the chair
o
Informal, aggressive attitude
Straddling a chair o
Signals a need to dominate and control, while remaining protected
o
Easiest way to disarm them is to stand up or stand behind them
The catapult o
Seated version of the Hands-on-hips
o
hands behind the head
o
o •
Elbows pointed out creating bigger appearance
Shows cool and confident attitude
Arrogance
Thinks they know more than the other people
Usually clustered with a crotch display or figure four cross
Starter’s position o
Leaning forward with one or both hands on knees or on the edge of the chair
o
Signal that a person is ready to end the meeting
Also may be angry
Chapter 12 – Mirroring – How we Build Rapport •
Mirroring is copying the body language of others
•
One of the most common forms of mirroring is yawning
•
Mirroring shows similarity o
•
Makes people feel ‘at ease’
Intentionally mirroring can be done to create rapport o
Don’t do it too early as the person will become aware of it
Never mirror the negative
Chapter 13 – The T he Secret Signals of Cigarettes, Glasses, Glasses, and Makeup •
Cigarettes o
o
Smoking is an outward signal of inner turmoil or conflict
A need for reassurance
Cigarettes are like thumb-sucking
2 types of smokers
Social •
Take smaller, quicker puffs o
Addicted •
Longer, slower puffs o
o
Stimulate the brain, heightened level of awareness
Sedative effect
Men
Keep wrist straight
o
o
Drop smoking hand below chest level
Front of body closed
Women
Keep smoking hand high
Wrist bent back in wrist display gesture
Front of body open
Smoke exhalation
•
Upward •
Feeling positive, superior, confident about what they see or hear
•
Ex.: playing cards, good hand
Downward •
Feeling negative, secretive, suspicious about what they see or hear
•
Out of the corner of the mouth mean even more so
Considering they aren’t blowing away to attempt to not offend
Glasses o
Glasses-arm-in-mouth
A reassurance gesture
Stall or delay
Gestures that follow signal the person’s intention •
Puts the glasses back on o
•
Folding the glasses and putting them away o
•
Intention to terminate the conversation
Putting / tossing them on the desk o
o
Wants to ‘see’ the facts again
Rejection of the proposal
People with glasses are viewed as having a higher IQ
Unless they are oversized
Chapter 14 – How the Body points to where the mind wants to go •
Body Angles o
Open positions
Facing towards is aggressive •
o
Facing away creates a friendlier appearance
People who are feeling each other out will stand at 45 degree angles
Closed positions
When people want intimacy their body positions change from 45 to 0 degrees
If a third wants to join a closed conversation •
•
A person who is invested in their argument
They will be accepted only if the others open to them
Seated positioning o
Crossing legs toward another is a sign of interest
Chapter 15 – Courtship displays and Attraction Signals •
•
•
Both men and women both walk livelier to show health and vitality, conveying suitability o
Men will stand taller, protrude jaw, expand chest
o
Women will emphasize breasts, tilt head, touch hair, expose wrists to appear submissive
The attraction process o
Stage 1: Eye contact
o
Stage 2: Smiling
o
Stage 3: Preening
o
Stage 4: Talk
o
Stage 5: Touch
13 most common female courtship gestures o
The head toss and hair flick
o
Wet lips and pouting, mouth slightly open
o
Self-touching
o
The limp wrist
o
Fondling a cylindrical object, like a glass
o
Exposed wrist
o
Sideways glance over raised shoulder
o
Rolling hips
o
The pelvic tilt
o
Handbag in close proximity
o
The knee point
o
The shoe fondle
o
The leg twine
Chapter 16 – Ownership, Territory, and Height Signals •
We lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim o
Can also be used as a method of dominance or intimidation if the object belongs to someone else
•
Neutralizing height o
Set up a space where you can control the environment
Have chairs of varying heights •
Have tall people sit in shorter chairs
Sit at opposite ends of a table
o
Talk in a public place
o
If someone is talking over you while you are sitting
Get up and go look out a window, for example
o
Act assertively
o
Wear dark colored clothing
Pin stripes
o
Stand up straight and walk tall
Chapter 17 – Seating Arrangements – where to sit and why •
Rectangular Table positions o
Corner position
o
People engaged in a friendly, casual conversation •
Seated across from each other at one corner of the table
•
Facing each other
Allows good eye contact
Opportunity to use and observe gestures
Provides partial barrier
Avoids territorial division of the table
Most successful place to deliver a one-on-one presentation
The Cooperative Position
Two people thinking alike or working on a task together •
Seated on the same side of the table
•
Turned 45 degrees toward
Allows good eye contact
Opportunity for mirroring
To move into this position •
Show something from your own perspective o
•
o
o
•
o
The Competitive/Defensive Position
Sitting across from one another
Creates bad vibes and defensiveness
Decreases the chance of successful persuasion
The Independent position
Seated at opposite corners on opposite sides of the table
Taken by people when they don’t want to interact with each other
Occurs between strangers
allow everyone to
take a position
maintain direct eye contact
Good for short, to-the-point conversations
Round tables o
Creates an equal atmosphere
This is distorted if a high status person sits •
•
If another person is discussing something
Square tables o
•
They don’t have to get up
People sitting closer to that person are viewed with more importance
How to switch table territories
o
place document on the table
The person will either lean forward, look at it •
take it to their side o
This gives you the opportunity to enter their territory
•
Leave it where it is o
•
Taking corner or cooperative position
You will be giving your presentation where you are
They don’t want you on their side
Angle your body away 45 degrees
Push it back into your territory
Chapter 18 – Interviews, I nterviews, Power plays, and Office Politics •
High-status people always ‘keep their cool’, revealing as little emotion as possible
•
Nine Keys to making a great first impression o
o
In the Reception area
Remove outer wear and give to receptionist if possible
Avoid entering an office with arms full of clutter
Always stand, never sit, in the reception area •
Hand-in-Hand behind your back
•
Slowly rock back and forth on your feet
The Entry
Walk in without hesitation •
o
Maintain a consistent speed
The Approach
Walk in, set your things down, shake their hand, take a seat •
o
Briskly, medium pace with medium strides
The handshake
Palm straight and return the pressure you receive
Let the other person decide to end the shake
Step to the left of a desk to avoid the Palm Down •
o
Do not stand in the doorway
Never shake directly across a desk
When you Sit
If you are seated across from the person •
Angle your chair 45 degrees away o
o
Seating areas
If it is informal seating area •
Never sit in a low sofa o
o
If you can’t angle the chair, angle yourself
Your gestures
If you do sit upright on the edge, 45 degrees away
o
High status individuals use fewer gestures
Mirror when appropriate
Distance
o
Respect the other person’s personal space
Your Exit
Pack things calmly and deliberately
Shake hands, turn and walk out the door
If the door was closed when you entered close it when you leave
Make sure your shoes are shined •
•
People watch you leave
If someone keeps you waiting more than 20 minutes they are disorganized or doing a power play o
•
Always bring something to do to show you are a busy person
7 strategies to get the edge o
Stand up for meetings
o
Sit competitors with their backs to the door
o
Keep your fingers together when you talk
o
Keep your elbows out or on the arms of your chair
o
Use power words
Discovery, guarantee, love, proven, results, save, easy, health, money, new, safety, you
o
Carry a slim briefcase
o
Watch their coat buttons
Agreement is usually reached when people have their coats unbuttoned
