Something Awful Henriette Saga

  The Girl who    Thinks She is   Married to  Sai Baba   THE SOMETHING AWFUL HENRIETTE SAGA BY THE SADDEST RHINO

Table of Contents Foreword ................................................................................................................................................ 1 The Girl in the Sari ................................................................................................................................... 3 Phantom in Honolulu.................................................. ........................ ...................................................... ............................ ................................................. .......................... ....................... 5 The Girl who Thinks She's Married to Sai Baba .................................................... .......................... ...................................................... ............................ ......... 7 The Thespian Society ............................................................................................................................. 11 Interlude 1: Raja Discovers Blogging ...................................................................................................... 13 Interlude 2: Le Fursécution! ................................................................................................................... 15 Amnesia - The Friendship Descent ......................................................................................................... 23 The Stage Play ....................................................................................................................................... 26 The Bollywood Film 1: A True Story ....................................................................................................... 29 The Bollywood Film 2: I am Batman ....................................................................................................... 33 The Bollywood Film 3: Andrew, You're Not the Father ............................ ............................................... .......................... ..................... 38 The Bollywood Film 4: Fever .................................................................................................................. 42 The Bollywood Film 5: What If? ............................................................................................................. 46 The Bollywood Film 6: The Importance of Data Security ........................................................................ 49 The Bollywood Film 7: A Cleansing......................................................................................................... 52 The Bollywood Film 8: Premiere ............................................................................................................ 55 The Bollywood Film 9: Je Veux Ton Revenge .......................................................................................... 63 The Bollywood Film Interlude: Technical Notes on I Will Survive! ........................ .................................. .......................... ........ 73 The Bollywood Film 10: I have no problem calling bullshit on 'otherkin' that I think are indeed bullshit, or treat it like some sort of game. As a drag on I feel that I was not any better or more advanced than any normal animal beyond maybe being clever............................................................................................ 75 The Bollywood Film 11: She F elt the Abyss of Disenchantment ............................ .................................. .......................... ........ 78 The Bollywood Film 12: Redemption Island ........................................................................................... 91 Finale .................................................................................................................................................. 103

Foreword Q: I am really good at google. Can I do some internet detective shit on your stories? A: NO.

This is the story I told in the Something Awful A/T thread Ask me about growing up with a girl who thinks she's married to anime guys. guys. The Anime Marriage thread, started by Something Awful goon Uglynoodles, was meant to be a simple tell all about Uglynoodles’s childhood friend who believed she was astrally married to an Anime character. People started sharing stories about their own friends who were into getting married on the astral plane, and I mentioned, as an off-hand comment, that I knew a girl who was completely crazy about India and claimed she was married to Sai Baba when I was studying law i n a Malaysian college. Some people expressed interest in hearing the whole sordid tale, and this was the result. As background, background, my tertiary law education programme was one commonly termed as a 2+1. Students do two years of UK law in Malaysia, and then complete their final year in a UK university which the college is affiliated with. In the college, there are about three batches each year, with classes of 10-20 odd people j unior to/senior to another batch by a few months. Needless to say, most batches are “cliques” i n their own way, but I was very fortunate that our year didn't have that big a problem. Or at least I mingled enough with everyone in the law faculty to not notice it, but I digress. It is those first two years where I met our heroine, Henriette. Henriette not only believed herself married to Sai Baba, she was also an actress/model/opera singer, and made our years in that quiet programme a lot more interesting. In this story, you w ill find operatic tragedies, spiritual marital problems, Bollywood movies, furry bullshit, and drama, drama, drama. As you may way know, “Henriette” is not my ex-coursemate's real name, and this document is bullshit on her, or to reproduce private. I would prefer you not to do any Internet Detective bullshit this document publicly elsewhere, elsewhere, for reasons I will explain below .

Henriette’s digital footprint she left on the Internet is... pretty massive. Henriette has always had an ego, but I wasn't aware it was big enough for her to start so many blogs/websites and devote almost everything to Henriette Henriette Henriette. One of the things I found was her flickr.

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Previously in college, Henriette was just purely crazy about India and being all SAI BABA IS GREAT, among other things. She just struck us as someone who read way too many books on Mystical India, knowing some things here and there - mostly Sai Baba - and not much else. What I discovered was that Henriette has been to India not j ust once, but several times. And she wasn't there doing just touristy stuff. She was bringing toys and donations to impoverished kids in a village school.

This was hardly the Henriette I knew back in college , so you could imagine my surprise. Now, there were some questionable photos - she was the pure focus of a lmost every single shot (no individual or group pictures with just the children) - that may bring to question her motives, but personally I'm more supportive of the fact that there are kids out there who got some happiness in their lives regardless of how much of a wacko their benefactor was. As long as she's doing some good for needy people, I'm all right with that. So Henriette, bless her soul, turns out to be actually all right now despite being potentially nuts when she was doing law. Then again, Henriette recently created a facebook fanpage of herself, where all the members are her family and friends, and now calls herself Dr Henriette. So there's that, I guess. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. i t. The Saddest Rhino 07/02/2012

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The Girl in the Sari Henriette entered our batch late, about one month into our academic year. The first image most of us had of her was an ethnic Chinese girl, her hair in a bun, coming into class in a flowing white sari and a red bindi on her he r forehead. Needless to say, that left an impression on not only the students, but the lecturers. A number of our lecturers were Indians, mostly Hindu or Punjabi, and they were not exactly impressed. One of the lecturers, Miss Parekh, was especially offended by the white sari, because (and I may be wrong here) it is something that is usually worn by widows. This, couple with the Bindi (a sign of marriage) immediately i mmediately gave away to her that this girl has a romaticised idea of India without knowing the customs and taboos. She was quiet about her ideas on Henriette until a year later, when during a farewell party (she was getting married to an Aussie) she drunkenly confessed her opinion and loudly proclaimed “I knew she was a nutjob all al ong! YOU KIDS NEVER PAY ATTENTION.” Then she downed six rounds of vodka and passed out at the hotel lobby in front of our dean. Good times. Henriette loved stage acting and operatic music. In one of our first study groups, she told us all about what she gave up for law. She apparently knew a number of famous Hong Kong celebrities, and she was going to star in a Hong Kong period drama about the Shanghai triads. Unfortunately, the bird flu epidemic happened, and she had found a greater calling in her life Law. She has also trained under a French opera singer to sing, and she knew a ll the words to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals and other more exotic ones, like Puccini et. al. We didn't really know much about her, so we were quite im pressed with her amazing talents although a bit bewildered as to why she decided to do law in a Malaysian college, of all things. She has some knowledge about plays and opuses, so we would give her that. None of us would hear her sing until much, much later. One of the things she did in the college was to start the Thespian Club. The Thespian Club was a hilariously paper-thin facade for what was actually the “Henriette Appreciation Club”, since from what I am told after we all al l left for UK the club shut down. She also spoke about Sathya Sai Baba, her greatest love. I have to confess I do not know much about Sai Baba, other than the fact that he was apparently a living legend with a sizable international following, dressed chiefly in orange and had a giant afro. I know a number of  people I respect who are Sai Baba devotees, so I wouldn't say anything against the religion. None of them, however, claimed they were spiritually in a marriage with Sai Baba, nor do they 3

dress like a young widow to class almost everyday. Parekh apparently, apparently, before she left, made a complaint to the dean about Henriette's white sari, but Henriette pre-empted that by telling him during enrollment that her dressing represents her beliefs in Sai Baba. I have, until now, never figured out where that white sari thing came from. Speaking of Henriette's white sari, she had absolutely no fashion sense save her white saris. Her comfortable clothing involved oversized shirts and jeans, or a yellow-blue-red chequered pinafore that apparently was her old high school uniform. Sometimes she would wear long dresses that make her look 40 years old. Before ending this chapter, I just want to mention something I was told by another coursemate, who was in the same class as Henriette in A-levels in another college. Henriette at that time was not all about Sai Baba, and just known to be v ery weird and dressed like an old lady. She also had a large backpack, which was a mystery to everyone. That is, u ntil one day she opened it during class and pulled out a pillow. To everyone's bewilderment, she placed it on the desk, put her head on it, then promptly fell asleep. The description I was given was that the whole class, including the tutor, stayed silent for a couple of minutes watching everything unfold.

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Phantom in Honolulu As mentioned earlier, Henriette in her first study group with us revealed that she had operatic training, won operatic awards, etc. Naturally, Naturally, we expected her to be pretty good in the singing department. To meet these expectations, expectations, Henriette started a new habit. She would spontaneously burst into song at all the most inopportune moments. Moments include: - walking to class; - in class, during breaks or discussions amongst ourselves; - mealtimes; and - mid-group conversations. Henriette claimed that she was a soprano, which meant that every single time we hear her sing it would be a high WOOOOOOOOOOOO or EEEEEEEEEEEEE. EEEEEEEEEEEEE. Imagine if you have a cat in heat that you bring everywhere and the cat shrieks whenever it sees something with four legs. It was insanely uncomfortable when you were reading u p liens and easements and suddenly there was oooOOOOOooooOOOOOooooOOOOO oooOOOOOooooOOOOOooooOOOOO out of o f nowhere. Anyway, this led to an event the Law Society was doing in our first semester. One of the oldest clerks in the law faculty was leaving, and the Law Society decided it would be nice to do a little farewell party for her. The farewell party was a little buffet and a nd because the clerk loves the island life, the Law Society decided on a Hawaiian theme. They put up tiki decorations everywhere, working members had little fake grass skirts, tropical mocktails and fruits were served, you know the drill. T he party was scheduled right after an evening class around 5-6pm (as the clerk l ived out of town), so most of us were in our everyday clothes of t-shirt, jeans, etc. A karaoke station was was set up (because we are Malaysian as hell) and people sang Under the Boardwalk, If You Like Pina Coladas, and other beachy songs. Henriette asked the Law Society president if she could do a performance. None of us were still aware of how strange Henriette was at that time, and with her operatic credentials it was granted immediately. He reminded her to dress in Hawaiian theme and suggested Israel Kamakawiwoʻole's Kamakawiwoʻole's Over the Rainbow. Henriette wasn't at the party. The Society was panicking, since they promised the clerk a 5

surprise performance from a student. Where the hell was she? Phone calls were made and not answered. Hours later into the party Henriette finally appeared. And, well, Henriette definitely di d something. She was dressed up in a shimmering evening gown, her hair permed and sprinkled with glitter, her face obscured by a half-face mask. Everyone stared in amazement. Some guy was trailing behind her with a laptop. She went on stage and took the mic without any prompt. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am HENRIETTTEEEEEE [sung] and we are here to celebrate the retirement of [clerk's name, sung]!

The trailing guy turned on the laptop. There was MIDI music playing (very softly). It was Think of  Me, from the Phantom of the Opera. Henriette sang. Oh god, Henriette sang. The younger me, in my old private blog, apparently wrote her singing as “with the subtlety of a wrecking ball, every high note was a scream or a shriek, every low note was a high note, and every quiet note was a high note.” I've managed to block out most of her singing from my memory, but that reads pretty accurate to what I feel. The pe rformance was overtly grandiose, not in line with the whole theme, and a nd the singing was terrible. Yes, Henriette could hit high notes, but being able to do that didn't mean you s hould hit them all the time. We could hear her gasping for breath constantly, and coupled with the atrocious MIDI, it just made for a long, awful, awkward night. Because it was late, the only people left were students including Law Society members (who quietly pulled out the booze) and one or two of the more fun lecturers like Parekh. To put it bluntly, it was fortunate that only so few of us were witness to the disaster. Oh, and before Henriette arrived, the clerk left for home to catch the last train.

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The Girl who Thinks She's Married to Sai Baba Before the events in Phantom in Honolulu, and even ev en before the ooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooo ooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooo in class, Henriette got wind that I was the most IT-savvy person in the law faculty. I'm not tooting my own horn (I can't even do basic programming), but a large number of the students were terrible with computers. I was practically a wizard for showing them that you could use the AND, OR and NOT functions on lexisnexis and westlaw. One of the lecturers, who was IT-phobic, got himself the Internet finally when he realised through th rough me what you could do online. (“I want to buy an Internet, Rhino, how do I do that?”) Henriette asked me to fix her laptop, l aptop, which she claimed had a virus. I asked her to bring it to class, but she insisted on making it a date in a coffee place nearby. I agreed without thinking much. When I got there, she was in a shimmering sari (she loves the shimmers), jewelry in her hair and bangles around her wrists, and blue contacts. Oh, it was that kind of date. To be fair to Henriette, she wasn't a hambeast nor was she ugly. It just so happened she wasn't really my type, and having just come off from a bad breakup I wasn't aching for a girlfriend. Well, I kept my cool and started fixing her laptop, which was a cesspool. The last time I saw a computer so badly infected it was a dude who fucking loves his online porn. We got to talking as the computer was being fixed, stuff like the Narayana, her love for musicals, law stuff, etc. All the while, she was shifting her weight suggestively and kept blinking and staring at me with her blue contacts. It was obvious she was flirting with me. I responded a little to her flirting, but not enough to actually give the idea that I was interested. That probably was a mistake, because it didn't stop the flirting. Henriette had her bindi on. I wasn't exactly 100% retarded about Hinduism (just 99%, enough to confuse Sai Baba with Hare Krishna

), so I asked her about it.

Is that a sign of marriage? Why do you always wear it? It's to remind myself constantly, to keep myself pure.

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Pure? See, it's my religion. I need to be pure for the one I love. Oh, you're engaged? No, I'm already married! I didn't know! Who's the lucky man? The one who loves all of us equally. I'm married to Sai Baba.

Uh, I didn't know he's, uh, married... Oh yes, he is married to all of us who believe in him. You mean you're spiritually connected to him? No, I'm spiritually married to him. And I'm I 'm keeping myself for Sai Baba.

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I... see...? Oh, but, Rhino, I am in such a dilemma now! It's so painful. I'm so conflicted these days. Why is that? Is it about Sai Baba? Yes! And, oh, it's just not him alone! Who? It's just... oh, I don't know! If I'm spiritually marrie d to Sai Baba, can I still sti ll marry someone else? Um, I think that's possible considering you're not legally married to Sai... Sai ... No, you don't understand! This is beyond the laws of man. I'm spiritually married to Sai Baba, and I am spiritually engaged to another man!

Yes, I... well, who's that other man again, sorry? He's a famous politician in India, and a philanthropist. That is why I'm so attracted to him. He's just like Sai Baba. You wouldn't know him, by the way. You met him? Oh yes. You've been to India or he came here? Oh no, I've never been to India. I would like to go there. I met him in my dreams and I knew I should be his betrothed. I... um, so how did you get married to Sai Baba in the first place?

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I read Sai Baba's teaching, and after I dreamt of him I knew he would be the one to lead my way of life. Then one day, he came to my dreams. He took my hand and we were at a golden altar. When I woke up I knew we were married.

I'm glad he came to your life like that. OH YOUR COMPUTER IS FIXED I WILL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW GOODBYE

I never got a second date. 10

The Thespian Society For reasons unknown to us, Henriette's performance in the Phantom of Honolulu party was deemed a personal success. She went on, based on that party, to obtain approval from the law faculty dean to allow her to create an offi cial college-supported Thespian Society. The Thespian Society lasted two years - the very same two years we were in college before leaving for UK. They have managed to push out two projects: 1. A heavily preachy stage play on the importance of morality and religion; and 2. A massive, 4-hour long Bollywood musical film, with intermissions of song performances. Both projects will be detailed in their own posts. Surprisingly, Henriette practised a lot of restraint in making her the main star for both projects. She was only the star of the film, and it was very telling that she put in a lot more effort into the film than the stage play. While both were awful in their own special ways, the play was merely mediocre. The film, in the meantime, was tremendously terrible. Until now, our law faculty alumni can remember bits and pieces of the film and Henriette's performance in it. In both projects, Henriette's role followed one single theme: the re ligious Hindu mother. Both projects had elaborate, long scenes of her as a mother performing re ligious rites with her son. You would expect an actress who won awards before to at least vary her roles a little. Cast of Characters: Characters: Lisa Lisa are two girls who had been best friends f riends since high school, and became close

acquaintances acquaintances to Henriette when she came to college. coll ege. They weren't very remarkable and were similar in both personality and looks, hence my unceremonious lumping of them together (sorry ladies). They displayed a surprising sense of self-awareness and acknowledged that Henriette is odd as hell, but because Henriette depended on them a lot they remained very supportive of her. Currently, both are practising lawyers in different firms and still meet up with each other occasionally. Jake Long, American Dragon is the guy with the laptop in Phantom in Honolulu. He was an

awkward guy in Engineering who seemed to be starstruck by Henriette and was practically being twisted around her little finger. She treated him l ike a groupie except without the sex, since she was saving herself for Sai Baba. Jake Long, American Dragon was also a furry (this is 11

important). important). I have no n o idea where he is n ow. Min would have been That Girl, but thanks to Henriette whatever craziness she exhibited was

sidelined. Min was a compulsive liar who had the bad habit of putting people into groups and making different shit up based on the groups they belonged to. Unfortunately, these groups interacted with each other outside her control, and ultimately shit would hit the fan. She also claimed that almost every other male in authority (our criminal law lecturer, IP law lecturer in UK, law faculty dean, her pupil master in a prestigious Malaysian firm, a fucking judge) had raped her. Min faked dyslexia in UK and got a first class, bragged to all the Malaysians and pissed everyone off. Nobody gives a shit where she is now. Shini was Henriette's best friend until halfway through the first semester. Shini only lasted a

few weeks in the Thespian Society. This will be detailed in a separate entry. Lin is a younger, naive, friendly girl. gi rl. She viewed Henriette as her best friend (something which I

am not entirely sure is mutual) and looked up to her. She got into Sai Baba, became a vegetarian, worse saris and did a bunch of Sai Baba-based activities with Henriette. While Lin was naive, she wasn't exactly delusional and so never wore saris to class daily or declare herself  married to Sai Baba. Lin is still friends with Henriette, and is doing her legal pupilage in a firm my friend is working at. I feel bad that I never had the chance to warn Lin about Henriette's craziness, but my friend told me she is doing well so hopefully she comes out okay. A number of people from the Law Faculty are in the Thespian Society, mostly for not knowing better and also to support a fellow law faculty mate. A lot of us were exposed to Henriette first hand through the Thespian Society, including me. I was VP in the Law Society and felt obliged to support the Thespian Society, which Henriette asked the law faculty dean to be associated with the Law Society. Suffice to say, Law Society events from then on would have Thespian Society performances. These were Henriette performances and were all either Phantom of the Opera or Bollywood songs. The tutor in charge was Raja.

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Interlude 1: Raja Discovers Blogging Raja is the same lecturer who asked me how to buy an Internet. Raja was presumably a genuine 40 year old virgin who never left Malaysia (he was scared of flights), never had a gi rlfriend (mother was controlling) and still stayed with his parents. Raja was a technophobe, until he realised what he could do with a computer when I showed him how to do legal research without using books. The ironic thing was that he sometimes had to teach IT law when the usual lecturer was not around. He was incredibly taken by the idea of bl ogging, and especially youtube and social media (he added us all on friendster and left embarrassing comments). Somewhere during this time, he told us he started a blog for fun, f un, with only a single entry criticising the Malaysian ruling party, and how he needed to make sure it wasn't libelous which may result in him being prosecuted. He also made, in another class, a remark about online censorship being regulated by the service providers, and how youtube disallowed pornographic videos. A student jokingly told him to go to xtube/pornotube instead. One day Raja asked to have a private conversation with me. I can't recall the exact details, but it was on whether online transactions were safe, and how to tell which sort of websites were dodgy. I gave him a quick crash course on using credit cards online, https, a bit on SSL and so on. About a couple of months later, someone checked out Raja's blog for kicks, and clicked the link to the blogspot profile. That very same night ever yone in the law faculty logged on and checked out that profile. The profile on blogspot, if you choose to make it public (I believe), would let you see the other blogs owned by the same person. Well, Raja apparently didn't bother to make that private, because we all saw the 100+ blogs he created with horrifying pornographic names. Of great significance was Jennifer Aniston, whose name kept being repeated throughout the blog titles. I still remember checking on one of the blogs. It had a photoshopped nude photo of Aniston (among others), and a comment in Raja's unmistakable writing style, stating that he preferred Aniston's nice perky breasts, and could not believe Brad Pitt was now with that harpy, Angelina Jolie (with her large sagging breasts). I chose not to look at the others, but other braver souls in the law faculty did and reported equally distressing contents. 13

The Law Society committee (which included me at the time) convened and debated on whether we should inform the law faculty dean or at least tell Raja to get rid of the fucking blogs, but for one reason or another we chose not to and quietly asked everyone else in the law faculty to keep their mouths shut (especially Min, who probably already have told someone Raja raped her). I wish I could remember the rationale, but it likely was out of pity and the fact he never was a perv to anybody. It did make classes with Raja really awkward though. As far as I am aware, Henriette never knew anything about Raja and his blogs. She probably would have conducted a ritual to cleanse his soul if she did. Raja is still a lecturer in the college.

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Interlude 2: Le Fursécution! This is a story I have first brought up in the previous PYF Troper Tales thread. I have rewritten it because I discovered my old private journal had chatlogs and forum quotes (I was both a

fuck and sharing it with online friends - yes I had a real life why why do you ask?), ask?), with a little

intro in respect of Jake Long, American Dragon. When I first met Jake Long, L ong, American Dragon, I did not think much of him other than him being a little awkward. We chatted a little here and there when the Law Society had stuff to deal with the Thespian Society. Ultimately at one point I needed something from him on the Thespian Society, so I went to his dorm room. There wasn’t anything weird about his place, but his laptop was a completely different story. Firstly, his internet browser was on, and the open tab I saw was a particular forum (detailed (detailed later in this post). Another tab seemed to be a fan forum of the cartoon Jake Long, American Dragon Secondly, this was his desktop. Sorry about the size, I could not find a larger one:

Dude put up the drawing of his own furry character as his desktop background. Not much of a big deal for a… furry, I guess. But! Let me show you what was on the desktop. Here’s a shitty recreation done with a finger on the iPad:

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A yiff folder. A YIFF FOLDER.

I feigned ignorance, got the Thespian Society thing done, made an excuse and went out double quick. Other than the online friends I hung out with (who were not in Malaysia) I never told anyone. Not that it mattered, since everyone would find out eventually in the then near future. One of my online friends did some Internet Detective shit on him, and found the forums he posted on. Apparently Jake Long, American Dragon (the furry) was into Jake Long, American Dragon (the cartoon character) in a rather… sexual way.

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She also found a post, which is as follows: f ollows: Jake Long, American Dragon posted:

What is Furry to you? Erotic art? Personality? Hobby? Lifestyle? Passion? Soul? Reason? Rebellion? What? What is it to you? Furry is part of my soul, lifestyle, personality. Without my Furry self, I feel like nothing. Before I knew about Furry, I thought I was a very wierd person, having just like the

kinda of stuff since kintergarden. When I found out about AA, and others who supposedly are like me, I felt more happy. I was not alone. I have others to share. What do I see now? Hypocrites? I don't know how to specify. Just know this, my dear ?friends?, that having such a community locally, in my own homeland, is one of those happiest things in my life. Sometimes, I regret being what I am. So, what's Furry to you? Generally, to everyone and anyone, are you Furry? From what I'm seeing here, most of you, are not. Just hypocrites. Yes, ouchies. Don't claim you have “met more kind of people and are more experienced”. experienced”.

I love this community. I want it to be the place I am very welcomed. I want to know, if our community members have ever thought deeply, how much are they into this. [FORUM OWNER] might as well, CLOSE DOWN the ****ing forum if most of you can't even take off 15mins and write something here, or think of the community. Instead of  ****ing around with your games, might as well social with each other, damnit.

Don't ask me why I'm so uptight. I think it's time I pose the questions that have went through my mind. When I go hangout with other Furs, it's like “Hi! Bye!”. I practically don't don't know why I spend all my effort and devotion to the community. To what I am. My definition to what I'm asking may be quite contraint. Basically Basically just provide an answer, 17

don't bother the contraint. Answer my question. ALL OF YOU. Are you seriously a Fur? or just an asshole.

Being a furry is very important y’all Jake Long, American Dragon plays an interesting part later in the Bollywood film. For now, let’s talk about that forum he posted on. This forum was started by a bunch of Malaysian college kids called, ha ha, Anthro Asia. Yes, it was a fucking furry forum. Anthro Asia was an exclusive website which required invitations to  join, but somehow, all posts were public. Anyway, for one reason or another I got invited to Anthro Asia by some college kid, Ross. I told Ross I was not a furry but he blanked that out and told me I would have a good time talking to “like-minded people”. Right. They did not explicitly state that the forum was furry but instead, an “anthropomorphic community”. I was no furry, so I did d id the next best thing.

I signed up as Swamp Thing. When I did my first post, I wrote this: Swamp Thing posted:

I'm using Opera because the stages in opera houses are made of wood I'm totally into WOOD I apparently nearly got banned for that awful joke. Furries

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Some Malaysian furry, in a thread complaining about that CSI episode posted: Swamp Thing posted:

Ok why do furries need hundreds of websites to d isplay the true meaning of their fandom when the Star Trek, Video Game and Japanese Anime fans don't have to? Apprently you've were under a rock all this while when the fandom underwent the renaissance battle from late 2000 to early 2002. Furry has no base to begin with. Otakus had anime, Gamers had games, Trekkies had Star Trek, furry has no proper base that regular people connect to and no, Disney's Robin Hood was not a base to begin with. The fandom is said t o branch off Trekkies, so an individual unique source is non-existent. Plus, furry fandom started on a very very bad foot, 18 years ago furry was about Bondage Bondage Bob, leather, spanking and mass gay orgies that happen in so such furry cons. Confurence 1 was also publicly associated with unaccepted unaccepted deviancy, the ad for the con appeared in an adult fetish magazine and that kickstarted the bad image. From then things took a nose-dive and the decent half of the fandom with enough sensibility wasn't gonna take it lying d own. Now, if you're constantly mistakenly referred to as a flamingly exxagerated hairy American homosexual who saunters around in nothing more than leather harness and various Cat-oNine-Tails tied to the belt, wouldn't YOU want to defend your image? Many of us decent folk who are in the fandom for the socialising, art and having a general good time mingling aren't going to simply lay back and spread our legs in the air. The loudest people are the ones who give a fandom/association its stereotype, and it's time for the decent folk to shout back. We can't change the mistakes of the past, but the best we can do is equal it out with a good side. Think a little bit more before opening your yap hole.

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A private conversation between me and a mod, who IM’ed me in respect of the above:

I really suggest bringing in more seriousness into the forums. and lessen the humour though.. I was being serious when he told me to shut up check the post again.. he's edited it.. He edited it to add “shut your yap hole” and it's been edited again.. “Think a little bit more m ore before opening your yap hole.” that's almost the same heck no... yap hole = mouth.. not as in any other hole that you know.. what I wasn't thinking of anything other than mouth what are you saying A Mod PM to me, after I wrote FISH ARE BOOTILICIOUS in a thread on “which animal do you think is hot”:

Swamp Thing, Need to remind you that words all in i n Caps Lock means that you are rudely shouting on the internet. Your posting in the thread will ruffle some furs who will think of it as a flame war/insult. I've edited your post to normal text. Please keep this in mind in future postings. Thank You!

I was questioned more than a few times why I decided not to become a furry anymore (I was NEVER one), so I just said I was more attuned to The Green and that I have come to believe that the bog is the source of all life on this earth. Sometimes I told them I was actually not human, but a plant who once believed he was human, and now have come to peace with it and would

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like to go online to find f ind a Swamp Wife. These answers appeared to piss them off and they stopped bothering me. Anyway, I was sharing sharing dumb dumb posts (including one on how hot hot Boxer of Animal Farm was

)

with the same bunch of online friends, one of whom posted a quote in their livejournal. Ross and the other mods saw my friend’s post and panicked. They hid the forum from public view, then put me on skype for an online group interrogation (LOL). They asked me why I became a mole, why I betrayed the furry cause

and so on. They also combed through my

friends list on livejournal, and asked me individually any person whose name they found suspicious. They banned me soon after, then wiped out every single one of my post and reference to Swamp Thing. I went through my private journal for my final moments on Anthro Asia, since I was not thrown out immediately after the skype interrogation. It was apparently a thread on photos of real l ife furries and I posted http://www.scottybunny.com/ http://www.scottybunny.com/

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THEN they banned me. I don't understand, do furries hate the fabulous??? Anticlimatically, Jake Long, American Dragon was very quiet then on Anthro Asia and never knew who Swamp Thing was. I actually only found out he was a furry after being banned. Years pass and earlier in April, I met up with a bunch of friends fri ends for movies, and it turned out that Ross and I had a mutual friend. She invited i nvited both of us, and Ross was fucking furious when he saw me. He called me a troll the whole night and his behaviour was the only reason I recalled Anthro Asia. I bought him a drink and he didn’t even say thanks. Furries

22

 Amnesia - The Friendship Descent  For the first few months of the first semester, Henriette was best friends with Shini. Shini was a bit of a loner and had a rather negative personality, which did not mesh with the girls of our o ur batch and inadvertently made her an outcast. It didn’t help that she was mates with That Girl, which caused her to have only one friend in college. Henriette and Shini were completely BFF and everything ever ything seemed fine to everyone. Shini was quiet and just agreed with whatever Henriette suggested, although Shini was never really into the whole Sai Baba thing. Shini told her she was not going to wear a sari to class everyday, which Henriette found confusing and hurtful since Shini is Indian. Shini also could not and refused to sing or dance. I was not aware of this until very ve ry recently, but Lisa Lisa L isa realised at some point in the first fi rst semester Shini’s situation of having only one friend. They also noticed Henriette was not as warm to Shini as she was in the beginning weeks, for reasons they are not aware of. The Thespian Society was also officially formed, and Henriette had started pre-production on the stage play. One of the professional exercises we did was a mock client conference. Basically, you were to act as a legal aid lawyer with given example scenarios, and had 15 minutes to interview a potentially uncooperative “client” you have to defend in court. One of these involved a young woman caught shoplifting, and the student playing the “client” was given instructions that she wanted to lie to the Court by saying she fell down the stairs st airs and could not remember a thing. One day, Henriette came to class looking like her head was in a cloud. She was dressed sloppily like she just crawled out of bed instead i nstead of a sari. When Shini greeted her, she looked at her like Shini was a crazy person. I suspected something was off and asked Shini, who did not know a thing either. I wanted to figure out what the fuck but pretended things were normal. Hey Henriette, we are distributing notes for the equity class later. Have you gotten a copy? Equity? The class with Harold later?

23

I do… law? Uh... here’s one copy. I’ll go grab one for myself. Okay. Thank you, kind sir. Shini saw the whole thing and was pretty distressed. She went to Henriette and asked her he r what was wrong, but Henriette just stared at her in a stony st ony expression. The whole class was starting to get suspicious, and the last thing I wanted was a spectacle involving Henriette. As of then, only a couple of my closest friends knew about my “date” with Henriette, so the class was not aware of how crazy she was. Lisa Lisa came to class late, so I quietly let them in to what was going on. Similarly concerned, c oncerned, they spoke to Henriette and amazingly Henriette knew who they were. She immediately took to them like they were her true friends and completely ignored Shini. Figuring something bad happened to Henriette, Lisa Lisa took Henriette to the law faculty dean. All the while when Lisa Lisa Li sa spoke to Henriette, Shini stayed deathly quiet. When they left she looked at me. Her expression was one of pure confusion, con fusion, and crushing defeat. It was absolutely harrowing and I knew there was nothing I could do to help he lp her. After that, without a word she went to her desk, packed her things, and went home. She did not attend class cl ass the whole day. According to Lisa Lisa later, Henriette told the law l aw faculty dean the last thing she recalled was falling down the stairs the afternoon before, somewhere around 2pm, and that she was supposed to attend some class in college she wasn’t aware of. While Lisa L isa Lisa were talking to the dean, Henriette stood up, turned off the lights, then turned it on again. Lisa Lisa and the dean guessed she had amnesia, so they arranged for a cab to bring br ing her to hospital. Henriette insisted Lisa Lisa go with her and nobody else. Lisa Lisa both had a different scenario from the shoplifting girl one in the mock m ock client conference. Henriette’s accident was so serious that apparently the hospital could not find anything wrong with her – no bruises, no blood clot, nothing. They even did a brain scan (according to Lisa Li sa Lisa) which revealed nothing either. It was apparently serious enough that Henriette’s parents came down from East Malaysia to check on her (2-3 hours’ flight).

24

Henriette’s admission to hospital of course made the rounds, and we made arrangements to visit her. This never happened, as Lisa Lisa called me to tell us that Henriette said she was still confused and did not want visitors. Lisa Lisa also told me that if we wanted to, we could pool some money and they would buy a cake for Henriette’s birthday, which unfortunately had to be celebrated in the hospital. When’s Henriette’s birthday? I asked. It’s a belated birthday thing, said Lisa Lisa. Her birthday was the day she fell down the stairs. Lisa Lisa would later inform a few of us that Shini had forgotten Henriette’s birthday and only realised it after Henriette was admitted to hospital. A couple of weeks later, Henriette’s parents left and Henriette Hen riette was back with us, right as rain. She was singing spontaneously again, wearing her white sari and bindi, being dramatic as hell, the usual. One thing changed, however. She was no longer talking to Shini. Here’s something strange. Remember how I mentioned that the Thespian Society was doing pre-production pre-production for the stage play, and a number of law faculty members were in i n it? Well, one of the more popular girls was in the play as lead dancer. She distinctively remembered Henriette doing choreography with her and the other dancers the evening of Henriette’s birthday, several hours after the accident. Which meant that Henriette lost all memories of her education, her best friend, her coursemates, but not complicated dance moves and the dancers in her play.

I admit I don’t know much about how amnesia works but that is pretty fucking

for me. If 

anyone more knowledgeable has anything to say about it, please do. Shini never made another friend and stayed alone the rest of her time in college. She stopped going to the Thespian Society and left college before the second semester begun. Shini is now presumably working in Australia after completing a degree in business.

25

The Stage Play There were two projects which came out from the Thespian Society: the Stage Play, and the Bollywood Musical. The Stage Play was titled Trials and Tribulations,

.

The Stage Play took two semesters to plan, choreograph, script, rehearsed and set up. It involved a lot of students from the law faculty, most of them doing the dance. Henriette, bless her, kept a tight lid on the story of the Stage Play. The show was lip-synced, so only some people had scripts, and most actors were just told “go here, act angry against him, look dejected, walk away.” One person I forgot to include in the Cast of Characters is Shum, who was the star of the Stage Play. Before joining the Thespian Society, Shum appeared in some Malaysian reality television show highly similar to Dragon’s Den but for youths to kickstart their dreams and be successful in an unorthodox field. His specialty was Indian Carnatic Singing. He did not win, but got tons of  publicity and did a number of public performances after that in religious and traditional events. Shum was pretty charming and talented, which makes his being part of the Thespian Society somewhat tragic. I have no idea where he is now, but Shum came out of the Thespian Society pretty unscathed. Trials and Tribulations… well, it was pretty preachy, to be honest, and the younger me did not

hard enough to put the account in writing. All I could could recall was that the show involved

the following plot: Trials and Tribulations

Shum was a poor kid who had strong moral and religious religious values. His friend, Seng, was a rich spoiled brat who did not believe in traditional Eastern values, and belittled Shum constantly for  being poor. Shum respected his mother (Henriette) and honoured her wishes and listened to her advice, so he grew up to be a successful doctor and took care of her when she was old. Seng was an ass to his mother, went out partying every night, night, wasted all his h is money and  became… a janitor. Show ends with Shum meeting Seng and offering Seng help, the latter who rejects him but later accepts that Shum was a better man than he was.

That was exhilarating! The show was obviously full of moralistic rubbish which nobody gave a shit about. However, Henriette did a couple of strange things for the Stage Play:

26

1. A scene involved Shum being frustrated with working so hard in school, so Henriette consoled him and advised him to study hard so as to be successful (so fucking Asian). Somehow, this scene did a 180 – Shum knelt down before Henriette, then she started hanging flower bracelets around Shum, took a lamp and poured water over his head and sang in Hindi. How does encouragement to study turn into a Hindu ritual? I have no idea. 2. When Shum grew up to be a fucking famous doctor, Henriette was old and frail and one of those contestants that just won't get eliminated from The Amazing Race. All her li p synch dialogue was practically her coughing and hacking h acking after each second word, so nobody ever knew what she was talking about. This was a conscious decision on her part. 3. Min had a scene where she was a bitchy girl goading Seng into partying with her and her friends. Henriette apparently wasn’t a big fan of Min, because Min’s lip synch voice was changed to a dude (probably Jake Long, American Dragon) doing a high pitch falsetto with a script making Min sound like a complete ditz. Min refused to speak to Henriette for months, although thankfully she did not tell anyone Henriette raped her. 4. Vina, who acted as Seng’s mother and is Malay, had her lip li p synch voice changed to someone with a thick Chinese accent. Vina never really knew Henriette, so the change c hange remains unexplained. 5. You would recall I mention there was dancing in the show. Well, they were traditional Malay, Chinese and Indian dances. “But, The Saddest Rhino,” you ask, “the only way dancing can fit in is in the nightclub with Seng. How does this work?” Here's how. After Seng got goaded into partying, he and Min’s friends f riends did some awkward “dancing” “dancing” to some “techno music”. The music stopped, and some random dude came in stage left, shouting something about how youths today no longer respect elders and follow Eastern values, etc. Seng and co quietly left stage right, clearly in awe of this random dude’s preaching. Random dude continued his monologue, and then shifted and went into patriotism. Two guys entered the stage behind him, holding a gigantic Malaysian flag. The Malaysian national anthem was played and the

ing audience were suddenly asked to stand.

Then the music changed, girls ran in on to the stage in traditional garb, and the traditional dances began. 27

That's right. In a nightclub of people drinking and dancing to degenerate Western house music, someone comes in with a Malaysian flag, his patriotism so moving that everyone changes their way, put on respectable Eastern clothing, and does respectable docile dances instead. Also they dance to the Malaysian national anthem. 6. Henriette ended the show with a song, and she sang/screamed the Phantom of the Opera. Again. After we heard it first in the Hawaiian farewell party and the Law Prom that semester. Girl was resilient to change. For one reason or another, I seem to recall that the show was considered a success and Henriette actually got more people into the Thespian Society. Law faculty students were less willing to enter, already fully aware of how strange she was (and how bad her singing was). Henriette was on her way up, and there was only one thing left to do. Make a movie.

28

The Bollywood Film 1: A True Story

Henriette? Rhino! I need your help urgently! I need a lawyer! Holy crap, what happened? I need you to come to the moot court classroom dressed up like a lawyer! It's really important! Remember to iron your shirt and tie and a nd wear your suit too! Bye! It's three in the bloody morn-did you just hang up on me? And that was how I came to be part of the development and saga of Henriette's second and final project for the Thespian Society: the Bollywood film. I was not only actor, I also became part of the technical crew for the stage and screening (because knowing computers means knowing anything involving buttons). buttons). It was through these roles I got some insight on the workings of the film and how much of a trainwreck t rainwreck it would turn out to be. To Henriette's benefit, the show apparently did make some kind of monetary profit (since she charged for tickets), but at what cost? I turned up in the moot court in my own shirt, jacket and tie, not entirely sure of what to expect. Henriette was already there with a flimsy little Panasonic camcoder camcoder on a stand, and assisting her was Lin (the fangirl) and Jake Long, American Dragon (the furry). Henriette had a worried expression on her face: Azmi, the lecturer who she had managed to convince to act as a judge, had not turned up because he was at afternoon prayers.

29

So, what's the show about? It's a part-musical part-drama based on a true story! It's a story about a mother striving against the threachery of men to become an independent woman. I am Sadna, who eloped with a man she thought was her true love, but it turned out he was a violent gambler, so she divorced him and got all his h is money. We are now going to film the last climatic scene where the court declared that Sadna gets to own half the matrimonial home and she has finally won! Yes, half a house physically. It wasn't liquidated, no. It's a true story. You are my ex-husband's lawyer who asks me a lot of unfair questions and cause me great agony, and basically you're an asshole. Oh, stop complaining. By the way, I forgot to tell you, yo u, the show's name is I WILL SURVIVE! I will survive. That's rather disco. Very Gloria Gaynor. You're pronouncing it wrong! It has an exclamation mark at the end. Here, take a look at this poster.

30

What do you mean, is this a concept draft? Don't be silly! It's the final teaser poster and I got society members to paste it around campus today. Ah, Azmi's here! Ok, I got an hour before the next class. Do you have a script? No, everything's improvised. Wait, we need to write our own argument and judgment? Well, you're doing law! That's pretty easy for you. Here, have some information about this scene. Don't you have a storyboard or any kind of conceptual thing at a

31

I'm awarding you half a house? I don't think that's how damages are calculated. It's a true story. Another guy turned up in a suit, obviously the actor portraying Henriette's lawyer. I recognised him - he was an engineering student, which meant... Do I have to write HIS argument too? To use against me? Of course!

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The Bollywood Film 2: I am Batman I Will Survive! Sadna (Henriette) fell in love with a poor cafeteria worker played by Shum (the carnatic  singer), but her parents wanted her to marry the rich but somewhat boring Hinder. Sadna eloped with Shum, and somehow Shum became successful and owned an unnamed  company. Shum also turned out to be a gambler, drunk and a wifebeater. Sadna divorced  and took her kid with her, but got a terrible alimony. She brought Shum to court (ironically  with Hinder as her lawyer) and was awarded a handsome sum in damages and also “half  the house”.  It's a true story.

I looked at the information sheet detailing my character. I was, apparently, the lousy lawyer representing Shum, whose only defence was that Sadna provided no income to the family, and something about a nightclub which Shum made up apparently. Azmi was also reading his and had some questions for Henriette. I think the “no income to family” defence can be used to stop st op you from getting too much money, you know.

The audience wouldn't know, don't worry! Anyway, it's a true story. Being the judge, you are going to pass judgment that I get half the house and a few million American dollars.

About that “half the house” thing. I left Henriette to argue with Azmi, and concentrated on the argument-writing with Hinder. Hinder was obviously out of his league, and I had to teach him basics of court proceedings and the forms of arguments he could make. He was genuinely fascinated with the workings of the court and such, and coaching him in that very short time was actually quite pleasant. In the middle of the coaching, Henriette did a short shriek. We don't have a court clerk! We need a MALAY GIRL as a court clerk! It has to be accurate! Lin! Give me Vina's number now! VINA VINA VINA! I have an emergency! I need a court clerk!

33

Those phone conversations would become a regular trend in the production of I Will Survive!. Any time Henriette needed an actor not part of her entourage, she would hurriedly call someone, put up a pretense of emergency and provide minimal information to induce i nduce the person to come. That was in fact how almost every other student in the law faculty got involved as an actor or bit part in the show: there was once Henriette called up a bunch of guys in the middle of the night only to make them sit in the background of a cafeteria as extras. I doubt anybody actually walked away from the, ha ha, “set” despite the lack of preparation or anything whatsoever. Morbid curiosity and boredom most probably played a large part. Vina, thankfully, was just around the area and came by quite quickly. Being a law student she also helped out in writing out the arguments, since she realised her role was relegated to : (1) sitting down in front of Azmi and pretending to write stuff; (2) standing up and say “Court rise”/”Court adjourned” and (3) lending Henriette her handbag for a scene. Henriette came to us, took a look at our scripts and disapproved. You have got it all wrong! Rhino, you need to ask me whether I conduct in nocturnal activities! Then, the judge will scold you for using bombastic words at me. You need

more bombastic words, put them in please. Also, that has to be your last l ast line in the cross-examination cross-examination because you are not only an asshole, you are a terrible lawyer. And Hinder needs to shout OBJECTION! when you mention the nocturnal thing.

Malaysian courts like English courts don't do that. That's American. Also what is with that noctur It's a true story. Who was I to question the validity of a true story? I worked those parts in and soon after, Henriette was shrieking for me to stand by the witness w itness box she was sitting in. Lin turned on the camcorder. Oh, we were filming without any rehearsal at all? I glanced at Henriette, who had her game face on, which was a stony expression staring at me intensely. I started speaking, only to be interrupted by a shriek. You need to speak louder! The camera's over there, you need to speak loudly so it can get your voice! Also don't move around the court because you need to stay in frame all the time. 34

So, there was a little Panasonic camcorder on a stand. No mics. Just Lin and Jake Long, American Dragon holding onto it. Whenever a perspective change was required, Henriette would shriek and we would pause our actions, while the two camerapersons ran gingerly around us holding the camera and the stand. We also had to film everything in i n sequence (which meant Vina and Azmi, who only had scenes in the beginning and the end of the court c ourt scene, had to wait sitting doing nothing while the arguments were being made), because apparently Henriette was doing the editing and she, who had a diploma in drama and film, knew you can only edit films which are in i n sequence and therefore the filming procedure should ignore petty things like time schedules and human resources. I had a rather difficult time doing the court scene. There were no rehearsals, the only script I had was mine, and therefore I was not able to anticipate Henriette's responses to my questions. This resulted in the following exchange: So, Madam Sadna, I put to you that you have been spending your nights... er... conducting nocturnal nocturnal activities in the more questionable establishments of the city.

[STONY EXPRESSION IS EVEN MORE STONED]

35

If you could answer by way of yes or no

HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING YOU HORRIBLE PERSON HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING TO A SINGLE MOTHER LIKE ME

Madam S

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT YOU MEN ARE ALL SUCH SUCH SUCH BEASTS, I AM DYING AND SUFFERING HERE BECAUSE OF YOU OH SAI BABA As it turned out, Shum also shared the same difficulty as I did. A scene involved him and Henriette having some kind of face-off match before the courtroom, where Shum threatened to sue the pants off her. In court. He was similarly faced with the same massive stony expression, 36

and was shrieked at immediately after when he tried to figure f igure out what Henriette was doing. ...and Madam Sadna is awarded... half... the matrimonial home. Thank good god that was over. Now I could go home and catch up with Heroes. RHINOOOOOOOOO Whaaaaaaaaaaat. Rhino I need you to do another scene and also I need Shawn's number! number! It's urgent! We need another lawyer and he must be Indian!

37

The Bollywood Film 3: Andrew, You're Not the Father Shawn, dude. You know Henriette. Oh yeah! She's doing some wife-beating movie, isn't she? They were trying to sell us tickets in class just a moment ago. Do you want to be in her movie. You are supposed to be some asshole lawyer (like (li ke me) who is trying to make Henriette's life miserable. Is she... is she as batshit as everyone says she is? Just a little more than that. HELL FUCKING YES I AM FUCKING IN Shawn's role was to be the previous lawyer of Sadna (Henriette's character), and was apparently trying to milk all the money out of her. Sadna got wind of this deceit and hired Hinder, her ex-suitor, as her lawyer instead. I asked Henriette why neither Lin nor Jake Long, L ong, American Dragon could act as the lawyer instead. I Will Survive! as you know is a movie about a lone woman's triumph against the treachery of men! That's why all the villains have to be male. It's to show women can survive in this unforgiving world of men and their ilk! That explains Lin, what about Jake Long, American Dragon? You're silly! Jake Long, American Dragon's Chinese. The lawyer has to be Indian . These things need to be accurate. It's a Soon we were moving to a new set, which would be the student affairs office the staff had graciously lent Henriette an hour to film her movie. I picked up Shawn, and while driving there gave him a quick run through of I Will Survive!. So Henriette eloped with the Abusive Husband, had a son, divorced him and fought him in court for like ten years. And the Abusive Husband was a cafeteria worker who then owns a company listed on the stock exchange. And the original alimony before the final fi nal court order was MYR 100 / month (USD 31.46 / month)? True story, brah. As I parked we saw Henriette and Jake Long, American Dragon outside of the office. They were dancing to some Bollywood song Henriette was blaring on her cell phone. So this must be the part-musical portion of I Will Survive!, then. A bit of an odd place to do it. 38

Henriette climbed on to a table, spead herself on it and made movements resembling a slow motion epileptic fit. Jake Long, American Dragon hugged the camera stand, and spun around the place. Henriette was singing shrilly in words foreign to me but probably in praise of Sai Baba. Shawn was a little flabbergasted at this point, probably just realising he may have gotten more than what he had bargained for. As for me, it i t took a hell lot of an effort to keep my decorum with an impartial expression. Wait, Jake Long, American Dragon was hugging the camera stand? The camcorder... oh, there it was. At a corner on the floor. Then what were these two doing? Hey Shawn, Rhino, we're just having a fun break before filming. Care to join us? (FUCK ) NO THANKS Lin soon came from the office to let us know we could start filming, and Henriette stopped gyrating like a mouse after ingesting rat poison long enough to describe to us the scene (which was of course improvised). Shawn was Sadna's previous lawyer, who tried to “commit fraud” by having the alimony set down as a settlement fee of MYR 100,000 (USD 31,461) paid by the exhusband, Shum. The scene was me (as Shum's lawyer) negotiating the settlement fee with Shawn and being all evil, asshole lawyers twirling our moustaches. We were then left to write our scripts, as Henriette needed to do some scene involving her and a police officer (played by a security guard).

39

How is this fraud again? I think she means you’re trying to cut the trial short so you can get some easy money. As to why you are not prolonging the trial to allow you to charge exorbitant e xorbitant legal fees and then lose her case in the process... p rocess... no, I don't know how this is fraud, seriously. It's a true story, I guess. Is she really studying law?

YOU POLICE ARE ALL THE SAME I CAN'T EVEN REPORT MY HUSBAND IS BEATING ME UP WITHOUT YOU ASKING ME ALL THESE UNFAIR QUESTIONS LOOK AT MY WOUNDS LOOK AT MY SCARS CAN THEY HEAL THEY CANNOT HEAL YOU MEN ONLY PROTECT YOUR KIND AND NOT THE WOMEN HOW CAN A WOMAN SURVIVE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD I AM A SINGLE MOTHER OH SAI BABA

Yes.

Jake Long, American Dragon approached us. You law students are so smart! You can just sit down d own and have an intellectual argument at the spur of the moment!

Riiiiiiiiiiiggggght. I had yet to find out Jake Long, American Dragon was a furry yet, but that was one of my first few actual encounters of him. Shawn was already finding him creepy and I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. And we got over with the scene pretty easily because Henriette was not involved in it 40

whatsoever, since it was just two evil dudes chillin' and schemin', turning a settlement fee from MYR 4 million to MYR 100,000. We took it in one take (despite me flubbing all of my lines), and Henriette was pretty happy with the outcome. Shawn and I had to do another short scene somewhere else, which involved us doing more schemin' under a tree or some shit like l ike that (Skipping ahead - neither Shawn nor I had any other scenes after that, and we were no longer called in i n to act anymore). Lin and Henriette did another scene closeby, which left us alone with Jake Long, American Dragon. Fuck. Fuck. Jake Long, American Dragon, ever eager to please, showed us the scene we just did. Holy shit, not only did I flub my lines, I had apparently flub it in such a way that I was actually bargaining in detriment to my own client while Shawn was trying not to laugh his ass off. Why weren't we given scripts nor were we allowed to rehearse? re hearse? This was going to be in the final I Will Survive! and everyone is going goi ng to watch me do stupid shit. Why did I answer the phone? Noticing how unimpressed we were with our performance, Jake Long, American Ame rican Dragon showed us another tape. It was a scene of Henriette and a little Indian boy, who he informed us was the kid acting as Henriette's son. So, what about you, Jake Long, American Dragon? You have a role in this? Oh yes! I am acting as Henriette's son.

Uh... so the little Indian kid you showed us just now... would grow up to be you, a Chinese young adult? And this is a true story, right? Yeah, why? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfelqZpapZA

41

The Bollywood Film 4: Fever One week before the screening of I Will Survive!, Henriette put up a movie trailer on googlevideos. Unfortunately, Unfortunately, either google or Henriette has removed it, since it's now gone and the only thing I have left is a skeletal description in my old livejournal. There were a few things prominent in that trailer: 1.

What would turn out to be the most popular scene in I Will Survive! was featured as part of the trailer: a swimming pool sequence between Shum (Abusive Ex-Husband) and Henriette.

The scene was intended to be that Shum was evil enough to push his wife into the pool. What made the scene more entertaining was that Shum did a very nonchalant slap on the face, as if it was his duty as an Abusive Husband and Henriette was scheduled for her daily 5pm pool-dunking. Because the slap was so casual, Henriette reacted only a 42

second later by swinging her arms wildly then jumping into the pool. As Henriette screamed in the water, Shum observed for a few s econds with his arms crossed, then walked offscreen to plan for her continued abuse for the day. Suffice to say, everyone in the law faculty loved that scene for various different reasons. 2.

The trailer had the following title cards shown in between scenes: A WOMAN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP HOW WILL SHE SURVIVE? ...OR WILL SHE

SURVIVE?????? 

I WILL SURVIVE!

A MOVIE BY HENRIETTE DIRECTOR, PRIMARY ACTRESS, SCREENWRITER, CINEMATOGRAPHER, CAMERAPERSON, CAMERAPERSON, EDITOR, SINGER

The law faculty was less than impressed. We have already seen (or acted in) the stage play, and almost everyone was aware of how egocentric and Sai Baba-obssessed Henriette was. She was also charging MYR 3.00 (less than an American dollar, but enough for a cheap meal) for the screening, which we were warned could be more than five hours. Nobody was eager to spend a whole night watching another performance of Hindu mother rituals. Harold (the equity law lecturer) famously speculated it would be akin “a glorious tsunami hitting Malaysia Arts and Culture.” Henriette, to her credit, did manage to convince the law faculty Dean and even the Head of the college to attend the screening. Nobody really knows how she managed to do this. Wale, who was an exchange law student from Namibia, was known among us for being a photography photography enthusiast who can work with Photoshop and basic imagine manipulation. Henriette asked him to design some posters for I Will Survive!, since the previous cursive handwriting poster was not exactly attracting as many people as she thought. Far as I knew, Wale just took some pictures from the trailer, then used a Flickr tool to create them. Henriette asked for four poster designs (WHY), but Wale created six instead. Henriette was 43

never ever shown the extra two posters, but Wale did a kind thing and emailed his creations to a number of us.

44

Wale made a lot of friends fr iends that day.

45

The Bollywood Film 5: What If?

RHINO I NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY Yes, you need someone to work the projector and the backstage for the screening tomorrow. You asked Wale and me yesterday. YES I NEED YOU TWO HOURS BEFORE Good night, Henriette. Day of screening! Henriette had decided that Wale and I, both who knew how to use the computer to do things, would be best to handle all the technical aspects of the show. Wale had a strong Namibian accent which people find difficult to understand, and I had a slight hearing problem and often need repeated instructions to understand things fully. A winning combination! I arrived at the place two hours before time (of course), but Henriette herself was nowhere to be found. Fortunately, Wale was already there to help Lisa Lisa out with the projector and Henriette's laptop. So, where's the movie? Wait, is this CD 1 of 3? There are THREE CDs? And where are the other two? Henriette... is still editing the film. Well, this was terrific. We had ten minutes m inutes to test out a potentially five hour movie. I Will Survive! was obviously going to be a major success. Wale, in the meantime, had bigger problems to report. 46

This computer is full of viruses vi ruses and spyware. Oh, and every ten minutes a window appears to tell me my porn-watching habits may download viruses into my computer. I thought I fixed that just a few months ago? Don't worry, we'll get another laptop from a member. I went backstage to figure out what kind of buttons were supposed to be pressed for the sound and lighting, and to teach the Thespian Society members how to work it. Having H aving no experience in that area surely would give me an a n advantage in the field. As I was fiddling with the switches, Wale came to the backstage.

Yo, Rhino. What if? I dunno man, what if? I ask myself that all the time.

Ha ha ha. But seriously man, what if? It was obvious Wale was not asking me an existential philosophical question.

What's shift? What... ok, I'm gonna come over. Give me a second. I went to the projector, which was hooked up to a laptop. Lisa Lisa were adjusting the device as the blurred image of a desktop was projected on the screen above the stage. Hold on, that laptop seemed familiar...

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What the fuck!

So, what's yiff? 48

The Bollywood Film 6: The Importance of Data Security

Is that a dinosaur?

(For reference, this is the actual desktop background: background:

)

What's up, Rhino? Jake Long, American Dragon... listen, that computer being used for the screening is yours, right? Yeah? Do you want to make it less obviously yours? Starting with cleaning up your desktop?

That folder named “Yiff”. Rhino tells me it may be someone's s omeone's name or something personal and we didn't want to open it 'cause we totally respect your privacy and shit.

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Oh, yeah, that's right! You law students really are smart! You just j ust think of everything. I'll go do that!

Can “Yiff” really be someone's name? Uh... just leave it as that and don't think too much.

I'm gonna google it when I go home. Some things are not meant for Man to know, Wale. Wal e.

Rhino, Wale, I've fixed the laptop! I've got to go back backstage, but Lisa Lisa should have the screen up in a minute.

Nice. Rhino and I will test out CD 1.

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So it is gay porn, right? Might as well be.

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The Bollywood Film 7: A Cleansing Thirty minutes before screening. People started to fill up the seats, and the once-silent hall was buzzing with voices. The entire law faculty had turned up, mostly to witness w itness the horrors Henriette had in store for us. Surprisingly enough, despite the price tag attached to the screening, the hall was almost full with young couples. I spotted my then-girlfriend grabbing a seat for me, and was eager to join the audience. Wale had already scooted over to where his classmates were, no doubt ready to entertain them by asking what “Yiff” was. Only problem: Henriette was still not there. Lisa Li sa Lisa were starting to panic as numerous phone calls were not answered. The audience had been staring at the screen above the stage, where Jake Long, American Dragon's NOT GAY PORN DO NOT DELETE! folder basked in their everlasting gaze.

There was some fanfare outside as the head of the college arrived with the law faculty dean. Jake Long, American Dragon's desktop was still up there. Finally Henriette turned up running in both a hurry and a sari. Lin was tailing her closely cl osely with a laptop open. RHINOOOO WHERE ARE oh there you are! We should start the show soon! Have you briefed Lisa Lisa on how to use us e the projector? 52

Yeah. I got CD 1 running too so they can just hit play when you want to start. Where's CD 2 and 3? No CD 3! And don't worry, Lin's computer is running r unning the video exporting process for CD 2 now! Uh... yeah, I won't worry then.

When did you begin the exporting? Just before we left! About ten minutes ago. Henriette, this thing says it'll take another three hours to fini LISA LISA WE NEED TO GATHER THE SINGERS NOW WHERE IS EVERYONE GET THEM HERE NOW Henrie LISAAAAAAA LISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I trust everything is in good hands! I must join the girlfriend now. BYE.

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LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN this isn't my computer, whose is is that gay porn

WHAT IN SAI BABA'S NAME IS THIS PROJECTED ON THE SCREEN I MUST PURGE THIS OH MY LORD

And the crowd goes wild.

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The Bollywood Film 8: Premiere After semesters of planning, filming, editing and “hiring” actors, here we were at last. The screening of I Will Survive!. After I Will Survive!, Henriette was sure she would make another picture and another picture. You see, for this was her life. N othing else. Just her, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark. All right. Henriette was ready for her close-up.

I Will Survive! began with a prologue. There were subtitles, cross-fading, and faint Bollywood in the background. background. Sadna (Henriette's character), was happily living in a large house, and her niece Henriette (Lin's character) was there to visit. It was several years after Sadna's divorce and Henriette was there to write a film about her. 55

(For the sake of clarity, Lin was acting as Henriette herself, whereas Henriette was acting as Sadna. In order to avoid confusion, conf usion, Lin's character from now on is referred to as YoungHenriette)

YoungHenriette, in her research for the film, had some interesting questions for Sadna.

YES YES IT HURT BOTH MY BODY AND SOUL IT HURT SOOOOOOO MUCH The film already looked like a biting social commentary on life in the patriachal society of  Malaysia. Sadna was ready to relate her story to YoungHenriette, and the audience was treated to a water droplet effect as the screen fades f ades to black. The title card (I WILL SURVIVE!) came out again, and with it was an extra line: MUSICAL. Another line: TWENTY YEARS AGO.

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The camera began with a focused shot on a still portrait, zooming out to reveal it was a photo in a frame right beside a bed, where Henriette He nriette was asleep. The portrait was a rather familiar figure.

There were murmurs in the audience. People were noticing that Henriette was practically admitting to sleeping with Sai Baba's face beside her bed every night. People from the law faculty were less than surprised. Henriette woke up, and the first thing she did was scratch her head. This would become a common motif in I Will Survive!. Loud Bollywood music played. Henriette started tapping her toes and

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and she danced. She danced, and danced, and danced, in her bedroom, jiving and having the time of her life. The audience watched the scene as she digged herself as a dancing queen. She twisted and turned and took a broom and danced with it. She was dancing and dancing and dancing. It was not ending.

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And there I was sitting in the dark watching a crazy movie my crazy classmate did and there was a voice in my head and it was asking me questions

why are you here how did you get into this mess why are you watching this why are you even in it you dumb shit  what's yiff  uh sorry i mean what if  you weren't here you could have been doing something else you got a girl with you what if you go do spontaneous shit like the young crazy fool you are like i don't know suddenly drive to a beach in the middle of the night  surprise her  surprise us

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Henriette threw the broom away and danced herself into the bathroom. People winced, but fortunately all she did was grab a showerhead, sang into it while she continued dancing.

well here you are watching a crazy person dance in a bedroom watching her lip synch to a song this is your life this is your life now Rhino

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She was just dancing she just won't stop dancing what is going on how long is this going to go on is it already five minutes why

Rhino your life is really fucking weird okay  it's not even weird like you are going out doing fun shit  it's weird like you are just consuming other people's eccentricities and you are probably going to document this years later for Internet people to read  in between tasks at your desk job j ob what's yiff  oh for fuck's sake what if  what if you actually set out to get some excitement in your life what if you could be less stuck up what if you were like like like a tiger 

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Rhino. RHINO. Ow! what was that for? Dancing's over. Hey, why do you look so down? Are you okay? I. I think so. My then-girlfriend looked bored out of her mind. I glanced at my watch. Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes of dancing in a bedroom. The plot had yet to progress. I lied, there was not even a plot yet. I looked up. Henriette was preparing herself to go see her suitor, Hinder. We've only just begun. 62

The Bollywood Film 9: Je Veux Ton Revenge Henriette's character, Sadna, was young, optimistic, spoilt, and a romantic. Her parents had decided on two things: firstly, she should go to the United Kingdom to further her education (the parallel with what we were in college for at that time was not lost on us); secondly, she should court (and finally marry) Hinder, a rich young man who was more grounded and practical. Henriette's parents had arranged arranged for her to meet Hinder for their first real date, and Hinder had to make a first good impression on He nriette. Naturally, Hinder chose the cheap cafe right across the street from the college, and was so late he never appeared until half an hour into I Will Survive! Spoilers: Hinder failed to woo Henriette. Henriette arrived at the cafe and ordered herself a roti for breakfast.

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Naturally, Henriette recited the Gayathri Manthra as she ate. In what of the rarer sparks of genius, it turned out this scene was set up to be her first encounter with the person who would be her (ex-)husband, Shum. Shum was a lowly waiter new to the establishment. Henriette spotted him, and left the cafe but not without leaving behind her handkerchief and a ten dollar note for Shum. Miss, you left your handkerchief and your change. ( ) I see you're new! Well, I ALWAYS leave a ten dollar note for my favourite waiters! And that handkerchief is so dirty, just keep it then! As for poor absent Hinder: Hi nder: fuck him, apparently. The movie stopped.

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Microsoft Powerpoint background background of autumn a utumn leaves replaced the screen, but not before a quick flash of Jake Long, American Dragon's desktop appearing (sans NOT GAY PORN, DO NOT DELETE! folder). Spotlights illuminated the stage. The audience whispered in confusion as Henriette and Shum came onstage holding mics, and then MIDI music played and oh for crying out loud were they  singing the Phantom of the Opera? Again?

As the song went on it dawned on us that this thi s was the MUSICAL part of I Will Survive!. It would transpire that every time something vaguely interesting occurs onscreen, people were going to come up onstage to sing and make dramatic representations of their feelings. So how does the Phantom of the Opera speak for the first meeting between a spoilt rich brat and a poor cafe waiter? After the two finished singing, we were treated with scenes between Henriette and her parents. Henriette's mother was displeased with Henriette's choice to not meet Hinder, but remained positive. Oh darling, you should give Hinder a chance. He's a really nice boy. Nice boy. Yessssss nice boy okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. NICE BOY MUMMY NICE BOY. HE IS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH A ( AIR   AIR QUOTE ) NIIIIIICE BOOOOOOOOOOY ( AIR  AIR OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY MOOOOOOMMMM NICE BOY. Yes. Ye s. Nice boy. UNQUOTE ) OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY OKAAAAAAAAYYYY HE IS YES A NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE BOY. Ugh. Boring nice boy. Ugh. Sweetie, he's very hardworking hardworking and kind! And he's your father's business partner's son, we knew him since he was a baby and MUMMMMMY MARRIAGE IS SACRED ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL ME TO A NICE BOY Henriette's father got wind of her encounter with Shum, and asked her to consider going to the UK to gain some life experience before committing to some guy he had never met. Henriette's father was meant to have a bad command in English, while Henriette was fluent in the language.

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Also in Malaysia most people speak in broken English, cannot teach you standard language. Go to England, you can learn English like the England people. In Malaysia cannot learn English is it? You Y ou want me to be like l ike English people? Eat like them? Wear their clothing? DRINK TEA LIKE THEM? “Oh good morning!” You want me like that only satisfy okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaay aaaaaaay England is good for your exposure. So many people so s o poor have no chance like this. Maybe cannot get out of Malaysia. You should I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT I DON'T WANT Girl calm do

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DON'T WANT DON'T WANT DON'T WANT NOOOOOO NOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Both meetings ended with Henriette leaving the scene in a huff. Hinder called Henriette to meet her at an upscale restaurant (in reality, another closeby cafe with a slighly better decor) for an urgent meeting. When Henriette arrived with Lisa Lisa, Hinder was waiting for Henriette with a bouquet of flowers. Oh, this is for me. Hmph. Lisa Lisa, you two can have it. WE LOVE FLOWERS (FLOWERS ARE PRETTY) Henriette pulled the metal chair loudly on the tiled floor as she sat down and sulked.

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Then she scratched her ridiculously long hair at Hinder. Good god, did she scratch her hair all the bloody time in I Will Survive!. That, and her constant usage of the elongated okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, was so prevalent in the whole thing we started keeping count of the number of times she did it. It was like a very long commercial for antidandruff shampoo without showing us the product. Maybe the moral of the film was that dandruff could cause you to be beaten up by your spouse. HINDER. WAIT. Do not talk I want to tell you something. SAI BABA DO YOU KNOW how exhausting and hectic it is okaaaaaaaaaaaaay? okaaaaaaaaaaaaay? SADNA SADNA COME NOW it was so annoying Well, we have never met and I thought we could get to know each oth AH SAI BABA YOU WERE TRYING TO GET ME ON A DATE YOU IDIOT BOY DO YOU KNOW THE TRAFFIC JAM WAS SO AWFUL MY DRIVER WAS HONKING HONKING HONKING EVERYWHERE OKAAAAAAAAY oh hello waiter. MAY. I. HAVE. A. REFRESHING. GLASS. OF. ORANGE. JUICE. I'll just have some plain water please. Thanks. So Henriette scratched her hair at Hinder for the whole date. Young romance! Autumn leaves appeared again. I still recall a girl yelling, “they are singing again!” when the leaves came up. Since that seem rather benign, I have taken the liberty to illustrate a more appropriate placeholder for the on-stage performances:

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Henriette, Shum and Hinder did an elaborate Bollywood song and dance routine depicting a love triangle. Nothing much to say about the dance, other than it being overly dramatic and also almost fifteen minutes in length. The dance ended and we were shown a quick sequence depicting Henriette planning to elope with Shum. Wow, Hinder must have been a real shit date. The plans apparently involved Henriette making signs in the air and Shum looking as confused as the audience. Then,

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The audience groaned. Lisa Lisa came onstage to sing a Taiwanese emo pop song. What the fuck? In the dark I could see a figure walking among the seated audience. It was Lin, who looked distressed and even worse, pacing towards me. What's wrong? Henriette asked if you could come backstage for a moment. CD 2 is supposed to begin soon but we haven't finished the exporting. The screen was showing Henriette eloping with Shum.

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We are going to have someone sing after CD 1 ends so people won't know the delay. Don't worry, there're still about fifteen minutes left!

The film stopped.

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The video pixelated.

Faces of actors melted into each other.

Chatter in the background cut off a bruptly.

A loud hiss dominated the hall, ending with a quick, sharp screech.

Finally CD 1 of I Will Survive! went, fuck this shit forever , and dissolved into a matter of brightlycoloured boxes. The screen kicked back to Jake Long, American Dragon's desktop with a message box stating proudly FILE CORRUPTED.

Never mind, I'll get them to sing now.

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The Bollywood Film Interlude: Technical Notes on I Will Survive! Scripting All the dialogue were improvised or close to it. At least, I don't want to believe Henriette sat down, wrote the NICE BOY and REFRESHING GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE dialogue, read it over and nodded saying, “this is a good movie.” Presumably, Henriette had all her dialogue in her head. However, without a script or storyboard (presumably) and with nobody to actually read through them, the whole film appeared to suffer from a lack of pacing, theme, tone, or even good writing in general. This was compounded by the fact that more often than not (as shown in my case) we were not told what she was going to say, so actors/actresses often react with genuine surprise or confusion to her lines. I Will Survive! was all about telling a story without the storytelling. Camerawork As mentioned earlier, the camera was a flimsy little l ittle camcorder on a stand. Based on my acting experience in the show, we all had to pause mid-speech and mid-action in order for a Thespian Society member to shift it around. There was no storyboard so there was no telling when the shifting happened - it all relied on when Henriette yelled “Cut!” One scene I recall is the ORANGE JUICE scene. Everytime Hinder was speaking and the focus was on him, the camera would be placed behind Henriette just slightly beyond her r ight shoulder. This meant that a large portion of the frame was the back of Henriette's head (showing us her beautiful hair, which she scratched oh so often), with Hinder occupying maybe 30%. When Henriette spoke, it was vice versa. Editing I am inclined to believe that every single film that Henriette recorded which did not have a mistake was in I Will Survive!. There were boring long scenes of people opening the door and closing the door, sitting down and standing up, walking down hallways of nothing and so on and so forth. This likely was due to a lack of both script and storyboard, and it made simple scenes which I have described so quickly in the previous entry LONG AS FUCK for no good reason. The ORANGE JUICE scene went on for ages because it needed to feature Henriette coming to the 73

restaurant in her car, walking to the restaurant, the waiter walking to the door, the waiter opening (then closing) the door, Henriette walking to her seat, Henriette pulling her seat, Henriette sitting down, Henriette scratching her head, EVERYTHING without any dialogue and  just filler. Special Effects Although Henriette seemingly used an Adobe product to splice and edit the film, the transitions, title cards and other effects all looked like they came from Microsoft Movie Maker. When Shum and Henriette first met a big

spun around the screen.

Sound Sound was recorded off the little mic in the Panasonic camcorder i.e. asking for trouble. As expected, all background sound was recorded, which made the cafe and restaurant scenes especially grating. Even worse was the fact that Henriette kept pulling her chair across the floor so we could hear every fingernails-on-blackboard sound. Any scene filmed outdoors had the sound of wind blowing and traffic noises to stop us from hearing the actors speak. Henriette was, however, good enough to provide subtitles so we can read every terrible line.

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The Bollywood Film 10: I have no n o problem calling bullshit on 'otherkin' that I think are indeed bullshit, or treat it like some sort of game. As a dragon I feel that I was not any better or more advanced than any normal animal beyond maybe being clever. The crowd in the hall has decreased to two thirds its original size. The head of the college has already left in the first half hour of the I Will Survive!, wisely, leaving the poor law faculty dean to sit awkwardly in the middle of the front row. The guy playing Henriette's father got onstage to sing another Taiwanese pop song for cover. Fortunately, he was not half bad. Meanwhile, I followed Lin backstage to find out what the fuck. RHINOOOOOOOOOOOOO RHINOOOOOOOOOOOOO THANK SAI BABA YOU ARE HERE! This video exporting still needs another five hours! I took a look at Lin's laptop. I can't quite recall the details, but I found out that the exporting time in fact referred to the combination of the time required for the creation of the video, and that required for the rearrangement of the video to a f ormat for a VCD. The laptop was also on battery, which made the process longer (I think?). Whatever it was, I plugged the computer to a power source and reduced the time to a nice ten minutes, so Henriette's father had to sing approximately just two more songs. The filesize is massive at about 5 GB. We need to hook up Lin's laptop. SAI BABA IS GREAT JAKE LOOOOOOOOOOONG, AMERICAN DRAGON! Can you help Rhino get your computer off the projector? Wooah ha ha! No need for him I can do Sure! Coming!

OH MY GOD 75

Oh! I saw there was a file named “porn” and deleted it. It was on the screen and the Head of college was there, so. But but but but but I titled it “not gay porn” and I wrote “do not delete” and and and Oh Sai Baba you silly boy! Why did you do such a stupid thing! Is it personal by the w YES IT WAS Don't you worry, Jake Long, American Dragon! Rhino here is a computer expert, he'll  just get it back! What who me um yes! I got the programme to. Recover files. Like, uh, pictures. And files. I saw him doing it for f or Harold once when he accidentally formatted his camera. It was amazing! We could see all of Harold's old pictures!

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you could see all? Yes! We'll be able to see everything! Yes. Yes we will be able to see everything that got deleted. Every single thing.

JAKE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG, AMERICAN DRAGON Why are you yo u taking your laptop away? Where are you going? Rhino could have... oh, why is this boy so emotional?

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The Bollywood Film 11: She Felt the Abyss A byss of Disenchantment  The Thespian Society member on the stage has sung about two songs, and the remaining audience was starting to have doubts about the show. I Will Survive! was only half way in, and and people were not heavily invested in the story of Sadna, since, thanks to a general lack of  foreshadowing save youngHenriette's youngHenriette's intro, everyone's idea of Sadna was a spoilt little brat who had parents way too forgiving and patient. Lin's desktop appeared on the screen. Windows Media Player popped up, and everyone sat back, absolutely excited to see what kind of shenanigans Henriette was going to get into.

It was a new scene of Henriette seducing Shum. From the way they spoke they appeared to not have eloped yet or even planned for that. Was there the re some kind of editing error?

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Of course. It was edited that way to allow for yet another singing sequence. GOD. Henriette appeared on stage to sing John Lennon's Imagine. My old notes described this performance: “Since Henriette had no perception of the term “over-exertion”, it was no better than the many, many times we listen to her yelling Phantom of the Opera. If Henriette were to sing Billie Holliday, Hol liday, it would sound just like Mariah Carey suffering from a severe case of hernia.” The song ended and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. There was a quick sequence of  Henriette and Shum going through a simple marriage ceremony in a Hindu temple. temple . At least Henriette found some actual filming locations that was not “Sadna's house”, “college grounds” or “cafes near the college”. Then,

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People left. We were then treated to a scene of Henriette lazing around in a large house, presumably the one that she would later ask for half of in court at a much later date. Henriette's voiceover informed the audience that it was the 1980s, and Shum had managed to scrounge up enough money to turn from a simple waiter to become the owner of a large company (company business: unknown) unknown) listed on the Kuala Lumpur stock exchange. They were also blessed with a son in their marriage, and we were shown Henriette grooming a young Indian boy, presumably the one that would later grow up to be Jake Long, American Dragon. Henriette was a housewife and spent her time twiddling her toes at home. Things appeared to be doing rather well. BUT THE PERFECT LIFE WOULD SOON COME TO AN ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD The scene shifted to a swimming pool It's that scene! The pool scene! Henriette was going to get thrown into the pool! The law faculty did an audible cheer and everyone high-fived each 80

other. Shum was sitting beside the pool relaxing and reading the papers. Henriette walked over to him, pouting. Until when you want to give me the silent treatment? My choice when I wanna talk to you! I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

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FUCK YEAH Henriette was helped out of the pool by a young girl who was identified as the house h ouse maid. Boo! Henriette's voiceover continued to tell us how terrible married life was. She was sitting in a chair beside a coffee table, and Shum walked over to sit beside her. This would lead to one of the most awkward conversations conversations in I Will Survive!, and fortunately I had taken the time to transcribe this. You know the company, the shares and all? I think it is best we sell it off! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT 82

I mean, it's kind of a hassle really... the workers aren't working very well... I think if  we sell it, we can play in the stockmarket. We can definitely become more rich. And you don't have to come into the office all the time. You don't have to work yourself  off! That's just your excuse! You are going to sell off the business because of young gambling habit! HELLOOOOO!? IT IS A VERY BAD HABIT YOU KNOW! GAMBLING! IT IS A BAD BAD HABIT! Wait until when will you learn your lesson???

Well it's my business, I decide decide what to do with it, I wanna wanna sell the share I will sell them! THE BUSINESS IS REGISTERED IN BOTH OUR NAMES YOU MORON Oh. Right. Why can't you be thankful? Thankful! Be thankful! We have a happy family! We have a son! Bhagavan gave all of these to us do you yo u know OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY? OH MY GOD. Stop that Bhagavan talk! You think Bhagavan gave you this house? You think Bhagavan gave you that table over here? I BOUGHT THAT TABLE OKAAAAAY

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ALL OF THESE ARE DUE TO BHAGAVAN'S GRACE WITHOUT BHAGAVAN WE WOULD NOT BE HERE OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY THE BUSINESS IS MINE I BOUGHT YOU THIS TABLE AND THIS HOUSE AND I WILL RUN IT LIKE THE WAY I LIKE IT OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY So, I Will Survive! has taught us that stock trading and investing in shares are just different forms of gambling and Bhagavan was totally not cool with that. Bhagavan just wanted us to be thankful for our coffee tables. Instead of a lesson on the culture c ulture of greed during the 80s, we were given a talk on deities in the Hindu religion. Very educational, okay. I wonder what else we would learn?

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HOLY BALLS Fortunately Henriette managed to lock herself in the bedroom and we were spared from watching Shum beating her up. Bloody hell! All this for a fucking table! Hold on a second. He was going to beat her up with a cheap plastic stool. One of those flimsy ones that would break if anyone heavier than 90kg sat on it. That did not seem like a very useful weapon. (Here one of my coursemates remarked, “Shum went to the mall and found it at the Spousal Abuse section, and it was on discount so he might as well get it then, quality be damned.”) And life was terrible, said Henriette's voiceover. It was awful to be a woman in a family with such abuse, oh how she wanted to get out of it i t but she just could not and 85

Henriette came on stage. Familiar MIDI music played. Someone screamed. Oh. No. No no no NO NO SHE IS GOING TO SING THAT T HAT SONG AGAIN AAAAAHH HRGLBKGL

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More people left. The song finally ended, and Henriette left the stage. The hall darkened again, and whatever people left were either there out of curiosity or have fallen asleep. It had been a gruelling two hours and the end did not seem to be at sight. Most of the law faculty were still around, eager to see what other kind of nonsense may appear. Fingers were crossed that another pool scene may occur.

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Seriously now? Are you kiddin

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Oh.

Henriette returned to the stage. Oh my god I am so, so sorry about this. We experienced... unavoidable technical failure. Someone in the audience snorted. It was close to midnight. A majority of the law faculty students, including Henriette herself, had an 8am class the next morning. People wanted to watch the show or just leave. What was Henriette trying to pull this time? We will continue I Will Survive! through stage musical performances.

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Everyone stood up and left.

Henriette did not turn up for the 8am class. 90

The Bollywood Film 12: Redemption Island After I Will Survive! went down like a sack of bricks, life was soon back to normal for the rest of  us, other than a distinctive lack of Henriette. Henriette had been missing classes ever since the disastrous showing showing of I Will Survive!, and nobody seemed to be aware of what was going on. Even Lisa Lisa and Lin were clueless as to Henriette's condition - they knew she had locked herself up at home, but she was not responding to messages and phone calls. People started speculating if Henriette was going to lose her memory again. It seemed like the easiest way out, and we all knew how well that e nded for her the last time she did it. One night, I was just at home working on an assignment when my phone rang. It was Henriette. Rhino, could you help with the projectors? It turned out that the Head of the college found out what had transpired, and somehow, only got the part that the showing was a disaster because of the unavoidable technical failure and not the fact that I Will Survive! S urvive! itself was not a very good movie in the first place. They had, surprisingly, gave her a second chance to show the movie again. The second screening of I Will Survive! S urvive! would be free. The college Head He ad also spoke to the English Language Improvement Department, which set up a programme to help both local and foreign students with their English (since most of us was supposed to further our studies in an English-speaking English-speaking country). The Department was going to use I Will Survive! as an educational film to improve their language. Judging from what little we had seen of the movie's dialogue... yeah, “improving” was not very likely to happen any time soon. And it was compulsory for the students under the programme to attend the second screening. God, poor kids. None of the law faculty was interested in I Will Survive!. Even my then-girlfriend objected to attending the viewing. “I will break up with you right NOW if you make me watch it,” she said. Spoilers: we did break up a year or so later for reasons totally unrelated to Henriette.

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Second screening night, I arrived to see Wale at the projectors. Shall I say that his voice was deep; hollow; gelatinous; remote; unearthly; inhuman; disembodied.

You were right. About what?

Some things... some things are not meant for Man to know. YOU FUCKING IDIOT I set up the projectors with Wale, then wandered around backstage. backstage. Speaking to a few Thespian Society members, I was informed that Jake Long, American Dragon had apparently quit the society. Nobody really knew why except that Henriette may have accidentally accidentally deleted his pornography pornography stash. Oh, the less you know, the longer you would live. Lisa Lisa and the girls were looking rather distressed. I walked over to ask what was up. Henriette wants us to a group performance and she only told us today! And we haven't even memorised the lyrics! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO RHINO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOOOOO I took a look at the printed lyrics they were reading.

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Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. They were going to sing I Will Survive! They were really going to be rather disco! Very Gloria Gaynor! It was going to be a Glorious Tsunami of Domestic Violence & Disco! Unfortunately they were still going to sing Bollywood Bollyw ood songs and not do Saturday Night Fever. Henriette! The second screening was a lot more systematic than the first. People arrived early, mostly students from Africa and East Asia, and they were made to sign an attendance sheet. A separate sheet was prepared for them to sign at the end of the show to evidence that they watched the whole thing. God, poor kids. The show started with Henriette's introduction of dancing in the bedroom for fifteen minutes. I quietly disappeared, and joined the then-girlfriend for dinner. We talked about school and future plans. We were leaving for the UK in maybe six to nine 93

months' time, and finals was going to start next semester. The whole experience was going to be life-changing and we knew it. We were going to finish our legal academic career different persons with greater exposure, and our worldview were likely to never be the same as before. We were going to either practise or join some company doing something completely different. Life was going to be crazy in the UK and it will be a different brand of crazy when we st arted working. Or our lives may become dull, and we w ould end up as dull people leading l eading dull lives, talking about new legal developments during parties after work, then going home to watch horrible movies on the telly. Speaking of horrible movies, how long has it been s ince I left the screening? I ran back to the hall. Wale had the looks of a soul calloused and seared, and a hardened eye which sometimes glanced with a kind of hideous and calculating appraisal at men of especially sensitive brain and especially vigorous physique. Towards the last I became acutely afraid of  Wale, for he began to look at me that way. The last thing I watched previously was Shum threatening to beat up Henriette. While chatting to the then-girlfriend, I missed a scene where Henriette discovered Shum flirting with his secretary. Apparently, after Henriette yelled at him a little, Shum really did start beating Henriette. The description I was given was Henriette curling up into a ball on the floor while

Shum fake-punched her, which did not seem to reach the dramatic calibre of the rest o f I Will Survive!. I have thus attempted an illustration of the scene as Murderbrawl XXXVIII.

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Henriette decided to make a police report. As you may recall, Henriette's police report did not go so well and she just went ballistic at them because the police hates women did you know that.

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CD 3 then started. To be honest, CD 3 was fairly rushed, and things proceeded way faster than the story appeared to deserve. Amazingly, there were no song/performance sequences for CD 3.

Finally, Henriette decided to divorce Shum, and now lived in i n a shabby little apartment. Jake Long, American Dragon had a very, very small scene of not understanding why Henriette was making her life miserable which honestly did not make sense at all. LOOK AT THIS MESS WHY DO YOU STAY LIKE THIS I WAS IN HELL WITH YOUR FATHER NOBODY COULD COUL D SAVE ME SO I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY A transition then brought up back to the present, where Sadna was talking to youngHenriette. She was reaching the part where the lawyers turned up to ruin her life. Her first lawyer (Shawn) 96

was trying to con her for her money, m oney, and Shum's lawyer (OH GOD ME) was a gigantic asshole. Some lawyers are good and some lawyers... are bad. Bad Lawyers cheat poor people's money. Don't be a bad lawyer, Henriette! Good Lawyers are good and will always help women. Bad Lawyers hate women. What a lovely lesson on feminism! Back to the past, Henriette's voiceover informed us that Bad Lawyers have no conscience and were always cheating poor people's money. Then it was the scene of me and Shawn trying to “negotiate” by milking Henriette's money and being general shitheads and oh god why did she leave this in the film we were fucking f ucking up all our lines! Henriette! Well $100 a month is not going to cut it. Be realistic, man. She doesn't even contribute anything to the family or the business, $100 is pretty generous. Listen, lawyer to lawyer your case will never go forward in court. Your client beat up mine. How about $4 million in a lump sum? Ngghhhhhhh I have forgotten my script scr ipt uhhhhhh? $1 uhhhhhh? $1 million. Dude what in fuck are you doing, it's supposed to end with $100K! $3.5 $100K! $3.5 million. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Ok FUCK Ok this is stupid. I'm not going to go anything beyond HOW DO I SAVE THIS $100K and nothing, there's that! HA HA HA HA HA OH MY GOD YOU STUPID DUMBASS DU MBASS Yep, that sounds like a good settlement!

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HENRIETTE! Henriette had a scene of yelling at Shawn for being a Bad Lawyer, then storming off to t o meet Hinder. Hinder had hung up in his office a poster of an organisation to protect women from domestic violence to show off his Good Lawyer credentials. cre dentials. Naturally, Henriette hired Hinder as her lawyer, although strangely there were no dialogue acknowledging that Hinder was her previous suitor. Then it came to the climatic sequence of the court scene. It was... strangely short, and did not go much beyond what I have previously described. Generally, Henriette appeared in court and I asked her a bunch of terribly unfair questions (because I was a Bad Lawyer), and Henriette freaked the fuck out for god knows why. Shum made up some shit to say that Henriette was conducting conducting “nocturnal activities”, which the court rejected. Shum verbally threatened Henriette outside court or something. Who gave a shit, the show was ending e nding and everyone wanted to go home. 98

Ultimately:

THE END. Hell yes.

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FUCK. Of course she had to have one performance. MIDI music played and oh hot damn!

DISCO FEVER

I had transcribed this final performance as such in my old livejournal post, which I quote verbatim other than Henriette's name and an a n added illustration: It was immediately apparent, when everyone but Henriette sang their part, that the performance was a thinly-disguised one-woman show. Most of the girls were not great in the vocal department and sounded flat. Henriette, with her high vocal range, upstaged all of them by going as high-pitched as possible. It was as if Henriette was doing Gaynor in a concentration camp while everyone else was singing the Cake version. She insisted in doing a stylistic change: instead of Gaynor's simple “I will survive, hey hey!”, she added several “yai”s (as in pie), and it became “Ai-yai-yAI-YAI WILL SURVIVE!”  Everyone but Henriette sounded embarrassed to sing the yai-yAI-YAI part.

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One of the singers asked for all of them to be exempted from the singing. Henriette refused, informing her that the group performance was to symbolize the movie was a group effort and not a one-woman show . The audience stayed put until they heard the girls sing. Some of them left. Then Henriette started to sing the yai-yAI-YAI part, which was when EVERYONE left (other than a group of Middle Eastern guys who couldn't stop laughing). A small group of Nigerians ran out of  the hall, including one guy who yelled, “I won't survive, eeeeee! I must hide before my spleen bursts!”   “THIS SONG IS FOR ALL THE WOMEN!” Henriette screeched into the microphone. A group of Korean girls sitting in the front row stood up to leave. “SING WITH US!” Henriette reached her hand to them. I was too far away to see their expressions, but the girls, in response to Henriette's sudden invasion of proximity, huddled to each other and exited the hall quickly. Almost everyone was gone by now. Most of the singing crew just stood on stage, having neither energy nor enthusiasm to join in the crazy. “Ai-yai-yAI-YAI WILL SURVIVE!”  Henriette was still singing. The Middle Eastern guys left and only Thespian Society members remained in the hall.

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TL;DR version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7HYYKEbfLk

I left the hall. The stars were bright. Everything was calm. It was midnight, and the sounds of yai yai will  survive rang fainter and fainter as I walked further away. There was nobody around save groups

of foreign students running away screaming. My then-girlfriend was sitting in my car, reading an airport novel with the radio on. I tapped on the window. Show's over? Yeah.

Hey, wanna go to the beach? The what? At this time? Are you crazy? Yes.

We went to the beach and it was great. 102

Finale It was the last week of college. Within a couple of months, most of us would be on a flight to the UK to further our education and have our lives li ves changed. People were sharing plans, exchanging contacts contacts and making little vows to keep in i n touch. Some were making mementos of  their time in the college. One of these persons was Gin. Gin had just gotten a digital camera, and was running around visiting coursemates to record short videos. We were allowed to do anything and said anything we wanted. Some gave him messages of encouragement, some talking about their experiences in college, a group of girls sang to the camera, a guy mooned it - you know the drill. We were in the cafe featured in I Will Survive!. Gin was going to do Henriette's video, vi deo, and I tagged along because he just did mine and I did not have much else to do. Henriette turned up, late like a diva, and Gin hit record. So, what do I do? Gin told me to do anything I wanted when he did mine. Yep, just do anything. Dance or sing, anything. Well, I just want to say, I had a really good time in my two years here in the college. It was a great stepping stone for me artistically, and I am so ready to enter the acting world! I might even direct, it was such a good thing I did I Will Survive!. So, tell us about I Will Survive!. It's a show about the triumph of woman against the abuses thrown against her by men! You can buy a DVD at MYR 15.00 and it's full of special features. The DVD... like I said, I bought it as one of those terrible movies m ovies to show off at drunk parties (and stupidly lost it later). The special features are the following:

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All the musical performances including the two separate ones of The Phantom of the Opera; Bloopers, where the film apparently was even worse than that appearing onscreen. Most of them were just people laughing when they flub their lines and not terribly exciting; An almost half hour-long “Special Thanks” video of Henriette speaking to the camera about how Sadna told her the story and left her in tears, with a long message of  gratitude to her grandmother; and

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A short 5 minute special on Sai Baba's teachings with contact info for temples and praying centres.

Those of us who watched the DVD were just j ust thankful there was no director's commentary mode because nobody wanted to watch the film more than once. Except me, because I was apparently that crazy/drunk. I showed that to some housemates in UK and we were forced to skip ahead almost all the stage performances because they were so bad . ...and I have decided to expand beyond Malaysia! Expand? Like where? I have delivered copies of I Will Survive! to movie executives in Hollywood and Hong Kong, and am awaiting them to pick up the distribution of the film. Maybe it will show in some independent film festivals! Of course. I mean, wow, congrats! Definitely looking forward to that! The two years in the college had been pretty good for me. It was my first long-term independence. I made a ton of friends, set down my networking groundwork, groundwork, learnt to appreciate the realistic aspects of the legal career, fell out of love, fell in love, got drunk, learnt to get people drunk instead. Even better, I learnt how to deal with... interesting people in a stressful environment and coping with borderline extreme conditions. Anything you want to say? Future plans in the UK, maybe? Oh yes! But not just in the UK. I meant to do it earlier e arlier and I would have skipped the finals, but I'm going to do it after our results are out! I may delay my plans to UK just for this, because it is so important to me. And what was this? I am going to India! My first time too! But, oh, it is destiny that I should go there! Very exotic! For a holiday? Oh no!

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I'm going to India to marry Sai Baba!

OH I AM RUNNING OUT OF SPACE

I WILL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW GOODBYE There's no class anym

SHUT UP WE ARE GOING NOW

GOOD BYE HENRIETTE

BYE

Finale: Ask me about having studied law with a girl who thinks she's marrying Sai Baba THE END 105

Ending Notes And that's all folks! Most of the law faculty (including myse lf) never came into contact with Henriette after our academic career in Malaysia, and any information we had of her were gleaned from online social sites and so on. I originally just planned for a couple of entries but this went way longer and crazier than I thought, and I found out I could actually draw really terribly with a finger on an increasingly i ncreasingly smudged iPad. Did Henriette marry Sai Baba? We don't know, except he would always be in her heart. Thank you to everyone in the A/T thread th read Ask me about growing up with a girl gi rl who thinks she's married to anime guys for all for your positive comments and not doing internet detective shit on the stories, thanks for all the ridiculous and crazy stories on your (probably no longer) friends, and last but not the least, thanks to uglynoodles and la_fausse_tortue for sharing with us the Denise stories and inspiring me to dig d ig up my Henriette stories. forbearance and tolerance. It  As Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba says, “ The tree can teach you forbearance offers shade to all, irrespective of age, sex or religion, nationality or status. It helps with fruit  and shade even to the foe who lays his axe on its trunk! The dog can teach you a lesson in Faith, Self-less service and the process of Dedication. ”

May we meet more crazy people in the future!

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Love in thought is truth. Love in action is right conduct. Love is understanding, is peace. Love in feeling is non-violence. Love is a bridge over the sea of change. Do not build a house on it.

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