Seventeen Plays and Monologues

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7I/. Beo$le al*ays ering me aroun)+ ere+

Tae my han)+

Telling me stuff+

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7I/. Beo$le al*ays ering me this *ay, that *ay+ Telling  me stuff+ Taling to me lie I’m a stu$i) little "a"y+ (Bra#s E-AN1S !an, lets E-AN g"ie !er I’m ust ust not goo) *ith "oo!e+ "oo!e+ That’s the only thing  *rong *ith me+ /isten+ 9o me a faor1
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7I/. Tell :illis I gotta lie )o*n+

(

:illis1

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7I/. Colonel’s guar)+
(B)RL ri$ts o$$. E-AN1s istant voice calling, EillisF EillisF6 7ae to #lack. Lig!ts "p, same set. Later, same ay. B)RL is c"$$e $ace "p, wrists an ankles to corner #eposts. S!e is asleep. E-AN enters, splas!es water in B)RL1s $ace 7I/. :hat1

:illis6

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7I/. :hat )i) you )o *ith :illis1

:
There+

e’s not here+

7I/. (Realies now s!e1s restraine, looks at c"$$e etremities, +erks on c"$$ c!ains There’s nothing in here to steal+

2 :
7I/. e gae %em to me+ Tol) me they’re mine+

This mirror+

#tolen+

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7I/. 9i)n’t you hear1 It’s not stolen+ It’s stuff from his house+ :
It *as an anniersary anniersary

7I/.

Anniersary1

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Nothing’s stolen+

#ai) he sent it out

7I/. 8ou mean your anniersary+

Missus Colonel+ 8ou’re Ma)eline+ 9on’t call me that+ I no* a lot a"out you+

8ou mean

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3 7I/. I )on’t smoe+ Not anymore+ e ma)e me sto$+ (Jerks on c"$$ c!ains :hat are you going to )o1 :
7I/.

No6

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Blease $lease6

I’m not going to+
7I/. Blease )on’t )o that+

Blease+

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Than you+

7I/.

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(So##ing Than you+

7I/.

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7I/.

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 7I/.

#to$ saying that6

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8ou

7I/.

I’m not6

(Releases !er #lut+ 8ou $lanne) to "e fancie) you in the heat fae+ Fae )reams+ Fae

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No6

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T*o

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7I/. 7o ahea)6 7o on6 9o *hat you *ant+ 8ou got till seenteen hun)re) hours+ That’s *hen he comes+ All you’ll get from me is name, ran, serial num"er+ /in)strom, Datherine E6 #$ecialist Four6 T*o

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7I/. /in)strom, Datherine E+6 #$ecialist Four6 #een T*o Niner Niner #een6

T*o
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; 7I/. I’m not a girl+ I’m a sol)ier+ /in)strom, Datherine E6 #$ecialist Four6 T*o
7I/.

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7I/.

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7I/. I can )o *hat you can’t )o+

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(7ae to #lack. Lig!ts "p, same set. B)RL, still nake #"t now $ree o$ c"$$s an leg irons, sits at ege o$ #e, massaging wrists an ankles to get circ"lation going. E-AN is r"mmaging in !er #ag, looking $or somet!ing :
>

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A "rothel1 A "om" in a )um$ster+

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(3rie$ silence. %!e B)RL la"g!s. E-AN starts la"g!ing. %!ey t"rn, look at eac! ot!er, la"g! !arer. %!e la"g!ter s"#sies #y egrees. %!en silence I misse) my last monthly+

7I/.

:
7I/.

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No+ Not



(E-AN takes swa# $rom B)RL, kneels in $ront o$ !er, #egins cleaning !er genital area. A$ter several swa#s, s!e iscars cotton swa#. S!e gets a clean one, an swa#s some more. B)RL watc!es nervo"sly wit! t!ermometer in mo"t! :
(%akes c"p :ith *hat1 :ith urine+

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7I/. All+ All right+ 4ut you can’t *atch+ $ee if someone’s *atching+

I mean I can’t

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(B)RL goes to porta#le toilet. S!e opens top an sits in a semi=s<"at !oling c"p Might tae me a *hile+

7I/. I $ee) earlier+

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7I/. I gotta "e in the moo)+ moo)+

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7I/. I’m ust a sol)ier in the army+ 8ou )on’t hae a family1  mother1 A "oyfrien)1

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 7I/. I )on’t *ant to tal a"out them+ :
9on’t e$ect me to

7I/. 8ou can tell "y ho* I tal+

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7I/. I’m trying to roll the r’s an) say ?cae@ an) ?lae@ the right *ay+ That’s goo)+

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(So"n o$ pee $lowing into toilet, t!en into c"p. E-AN t"rns, moves to B)RL 8ou’re not so $ee shy+

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7I/. (Smiles, !ans c"p to E-AN It comes right out *hen I’m not nerous+

(E-AN ips stick into c"p, leaves it t!ere $or ten secons, p"lls it o"t :
7I/. Is that goo)1

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& It may not "e a "oy+

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7I/. It’s a "oy+ I’m sure of it+ I )i) all the right things+ I sai) the ?gie me@ $rayer to 7hillie 9u+ (4oints to small stat"e on ta#le I $ut 7hillie 9u’s image net to the onion, an) I sa* an o*l fly across the face of the moon+ It’s a "oy+ :
I must+

7I/. It’s goo) ne*s+

Isn’t it1

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I’m sure that it is+

7I/.

9on’t *orry+

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7I/. I’ll see to it he treats you *ith

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7I/. Een though you’e gien him no chil)ren, I )on’t *ant him sen)ing you a*ay+ That *oul)n’t "e right+ I’ll say to him that I *on’t slee$ *ith him if he )isres$ects you+ :hy you little fool6 $osition to - -

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7I/. 4e careful *hat you say6 9on’t challenge me6 /oo6 In case you’e gone "lin), I’m the one carrying a "a"y+ 8es+ That’s right+ "a"y1
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No, you )on’t+

7I/. I’m not $laying that game+

;0 :
:illis+

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:
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7I/. It means hell get scram"le) eggs on his isor+ :
I thin so+

7I/.

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;( :
7I/.

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;2 7I/. I’m not saying that you shoul)+ :
Dee$ house1

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7I/. #houl)n’t I stay at your house, *ith you an) - -

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Three+ :hateer+

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(%akes ress $rom #ag No* $ut this on+ e lies to see me nae)+

7I/.

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(B)RL stares at E-AN, s!e starts to  protest, t!en starts p"tting ress on. 7ae to #lack The En)

;3

MI##IN7 Cast of Characters /ouiseFemale, early thirties, scruffy MartinMale, late thirties, scruffy #yno$sis Tae t*o marginal characters, a "lo*n-u$ -Eleen, an) a man *ho stores his )ea) uncle in the *al-in free!er+ Mi in some threatening $hone calls an) a missing han)+ #tir *ell+

-issing ha) a stage) rea)ing on the #outh Coast e$ertory Theatres Nicolas #tage an) *as an a*ar) *inner in Theatre In The a*s
;

(A Cecem#er morning. Cowntown 7argo. *ol ' crisp. Ee1re in t!e parking lot o$ a #lown="p 8=leven. /ellow 4olice Line G Heep "t6 tape. )nsie t!e police tape, LU)S in gr"##y clot!es, a *!ristmas stocking cap slig!tly askew on !er !ea. S!e1s picking "p #its o$ e#ris, eamining eac! #it, t!en epositing it in a gar#age #ag. A po"c! !angs $rom !er #elt. S!e !"ms Jingle 3ells.6 2er !"mming is !erky=+erky an o$$=key. -AR%)N enters, stops at t!e tape, sees !er an looks s"rprise. S!e senses someone1s watc!ing. S!e stops, straig!tens "p, t"rns

:ell *ell+

/<I#E. Marty 9ean+

/ouise, you’re alie6 %Course I’m alie+

MATIN. Than 7o) you’re alie+

/<I#E. :hy *oul)n’t I "e1

MATIN. Terri"le thing+ Terri"le+ 8ou shoul) consi)er yourself ery, ery lucy+ /<I#E. 8u$+ That’s me+ /ucy /ouise+ /ucy /ouise, )es$ite I neer *on a Mega4ucs ac$ot+ Neer een *on a $i))ly little 9aily #cratcher+ MATIN. I meant you’re lucy to "e+ /<I#E. I no* *hat you meant, Marty+ MATIN. Eye*itness Ne*s sai) it *as a first+ First -Eleen e$losion eer in Fargo+ First -Eleen e$losion any*here in North 9aota for that matter+ /<I#E. I’ll gie you something else that’s a first+ Christmas for me *ithout a o"+ MATIN. A")ul’s not giing you your o" "ac1

First

;; /<I#E. It only "le* u$ t*o )ays ago+ #eeing as ho* *e got ten )ays till Christmas, I ust )on’t see the store stan)ing tall in time for a isit from #anta+ MATIN. 4ut he )i) $romise you your o" "ac+ /<I#E. asn’t "een )iscusse), Marty+ MATIN. That’s *rong+ That is ery *rong+ e shoul))a notifie) you right a*ay+ 8ou’re a ey $erson, alue) em$loyee+ 8ou no* *here all the stuff is+ /<I#E. :hich is really useful+ :hat *ith all the stuff scattere) in the $aring lot+ MATIN. #$eaing of that+ I sa* on Eye*itness Ne*s *here A")ul sai) he *as looing for olunteers to hel$ clean u$+ /<I#E.

#o1

MATIN. #o here I am+ Golunteering+ 8ou no* *hat the commercial says+ /ie a goo) neigh"or+ /<I#E. :ell, neigh"or, you’re a )ay late an) a )ollar short+ A")ul’s cleanu$ *as yester)ay+ 8ester)ay1

MATIN. #o ho* come you still got a mess1

/<I#E. :e got a mess %cause not many neigh"ors sho*e) u$+ MATIN. o* coul) that "e1 A")ul’s got thousan)s of customers+ /<I#E. un)re)s, not thousan)s+ 9on’t eaggerate+ saying you this %cause you’re a regular+

(2e crosses !is !eart. it1s a #ig secret

<ay+

I’m 

S!e leans in, like

/<I#E. #eems some $eo$le )on’t lie A")ul %cause of his name+

;>

:ell, I lie it+

MATIN. is name, I mean+

/<I#E. 8ou’re in the minority+ #ome $eo$le connect A")ul to the :orl) Tra)e Center+
/<I#E. MATIN.

/<I#E. No+ Missing+ e came here ust after, looe) aroun), sai) he nee)e) hel$+ Then he se)a))le)+ Bersonally, I thin he’s lying lo* till the )ust clears+ MATIN. That’s )esertion+ /eaing the scene of+
7uess I *oul)+

MATIN.

/<I#E. Trust co$s to "e co$s+ A")ul’s )oing the right thing+ 8ou can al*ays come in later, say you ha) a concussion an) *an)ere) in the *oo)s till your memory came "ac+ MATIN. :ell, any*ay, gla) nothing "a) ha$$ene) to you+

;

(S!e makes like getting reay to go #ack to work picking "p e#ris. 2e oesn1t move /<I#E. I gotta )o some stuff no*+ Not sto$$ing you+

MATIN.

/<I#E. I )on’t lie if you’re ust gonna stare at me+ MATIN. 8ou )on’t lie me staring1 #o *hat a"out all those 2 am’s1 8ou saying I shoul))a staye) a*ay1 No* )on’t get u$set+

/<I#E.

MATIN. 9on’t get u$set+ I *as there for you cause I thought you *ere lonely+ lonely+ unning a -Eleen in the *ee hours is lonely *or+ Thought you’) a$$reciate some com$any+

(S!e starts picking "p e#ris Fact is,  *ith the Customer  missing+

/<I#E. you *ere )oing it for hot )ogs+ 8ou *ae u$ ( am munchies+ #ho* u$ at my counter at 2+ *als in, I turn my "ac, another hot )og’s :ith you, it’s all a"out hot )ogs+

MATIN. 8ou got me *rong+ 8ou thin eeryone *ors an angle+ /<I#E. 9on’t no* anyone else’s angle, "ut I sure no* yours+ MATIN. More to life than hot )ogs, /ouise+ I "een a lot of $laces, seen a lot of stuff+
/<I#E.

; MATIN. 8ou $ice) u$ something, sli$$e) it into your $ouch+ /<I#E.

No+ I sa* you+

MATIN.

/<I#E. 8ou’re imagining things+ MATIN. I’m telling you, I sa* you+ /<I#E. (2ols po"c! #e!in !er #ack Not saying this again+ There’s nothing in the "ag+ MATIN. (C"cks "ner police tape, approac!es !er :ell+ Then I guess you *on’t *on’t min) hol)ing it out front, turning it u$si)e )o*n an) shaing it out+ /<I#E. :hy you $ushing this, Marty1 MATIN. (%rying to see #e!in !er %Cause I thin I got you $egge)+

Begge)1

/<I#E. (3acks away, #locks !is view :hat’s $egge)1

MATIN. :ay I see it is, you *ant to *or out here "y yourself %cause there’s something of alue here+ #ee, *hen you try to fool
;&

h+

/<I#E. 8ou’re+ 8ou’re right+

MATIN. Frien) *oul)n’t "egru)ge a frien) a fe* hot )ogs+ 8ou’re right+ #o *hat is it1 Marty+

/<I#E. 8ou’re right again+ MATIN. Cash money1 4un)le of t*enties1

/<I#E. It’s not *hat you thin+

MATIN. Cash+ 7otta "e cash+ #afe "le* "le* u$+ 4ig roll of Franlins missing in action+ un)re) )ollar "ills+ /<I#E. #to$ fantasi!ing, Marty+ All I *ant’s half+ alf161

MATIN. /<I#E.

MATIN. Fair’s fair+
>0

/<I#E. The )eal is, you are cra!y6 8ou’re nuts+ MATIN. 8ou calling me nuts+ /oo at you+ Trying to ri$ A")ul off+ 8ou )on’t *ant him no*ing+ Nosirree+ 8ou )on’t  *ant me telling the Fe)s an) them taling to A")ul+ aen’t you "een rea)ing the $a$er1 Those Muslims’ll cut your hea) off for looing at them crosseye)+ 8ou got it all *rong+ =ust gie me half+

/<I#E.

MATIN. An) my li$s are seale)+

/<I#E. #o *hat if it’s half of nothing1 ey, come on+ 8ou no* *hat1

MATIN. 8ou’re taling to a frien)+ /<I#E. All those hot )ogs gone to your "rain+

MATIN. 4ottom line is, I’m not going a*ay+

<ay+

No* gie+

/<I#E. (Silence. 7inally All right+ 8ou *in+

ot )og6

MATIN. No* you’re taling+

(LU)S s<"ats own, -AR%)N s<"ats own /<I#E. (2ols "p "nopene po"c! I *ant your *or) this an a"solute secret+ MATIN. nlie some $eo$le I coul) name, my *or) is gol)+ 8ou rea)y1

/<I#E.

>(

MATIN. /et her ri$+ (S!e takes t!e po"c! an empties it. A plop6 so"n is !ear. -AR%)N springs "p =iminy Cricets6 (2e t"rns !is #ack, looks over !is s!o"ler =iminy oly Co* Cricets6 (Looks again. Stamps !is $oot That’s a han)6 That’s a human human han) you got got there6 /<I#E. #ai) it *asn’t *hat you thought+ MATIN. 8eah "ut+ 4ut *hat a"out the the cash1

:here’s my half1

/<I#E.

There is no cash+ (4"ts !an #ack in po"c!. Stans emem"er you $romise)+ 8ou’re ee$ing this a secret+ :hat a"out the co$s1

MATIN. :hat if they come aroun)1

/<I#E. :hy *oul) they tal to you1 =ust say they )i)+

MATIN. :hat )o I say1

/<I#E. #ay you *ere aslee$+ :hich is true most of the time+ #o uh+

#o is it1

MATIN. Is that a real han)1

/<I#E. Thin I go aroun) $lanting fae han)s1 MATIN. I meant, if it’s a real one, I’) thin you’) "e scare)+ Thin I’m not scare)1

/<I#E.

MATIN. I )on’t )on’t lie seeing you scare)+ scare)+ 8ou "etter "etter not "e scare)+ 8ou’re not scare)+ Are you1

(A worrie look crosses !er $ace

>2 /<I#E. Thing is, stuff’s "een going on+ his min) lately+

A")ul’s ha) a lot on

MATIN. I )o a)mit to noticing him in the store less often+ /<I#E. e’s seeing a Meican girl+ MATIN.
/<I#E. eal mysterious+

(Silence. %!ey stare at t!e gro"n.

%!en

/<I#E. :ell, shoot, guess I "etter )itch this han) some$lace+ MATIN. 8ou mean you’re gonna thro* it a*ay1 /<I#E. That’s the $lan, #tan+ Can I hae it1

MATIN.

/<I#E. :hat are you going to )o *ith it1 9ry it+

MATIN. :ear it off my "elt+

/<I#E. It *as A")ul’s uncle’s han)+ 8ou can’t *ear his uncle’s han) off your "elt+ MATIN. is uncle1 The ol) guy *ith the snuff an) the tin can an) the sha*l1 I thought he *ent "ac to - -

>3

e in) of )i)+ 8eah1

/<I#E. MATIN.

/<I#E. An) he in) of )i)n’t+

8eah1

MATIN. (Starts to get nervo"s

/<I#E. Dno* ho* you al*ays mean to finish a o"1 8ou say ?Tomorro*,@ "ut tomorro* the $ile’s een higher1 It *as Fri)ay aroun) si+ ncle A")ulla *as sitting there s$itting to"acco into a can+ The Meicans *ere cashing $aychecs an) "uying "eer+ I sa* ncle A")ulla *asn’t  moing "ut I coul)n’t )o anything+ I *as alone+ The line *as out the )oor+ A")ul neer *ors Fri)ays an) Alice *ent home sic+ #o A")ul comes in at mi)night to count cash an) I tell him his uncle hasn’t moe) in four hours+ #o he $uts a han) in front of the ol) guy’s  mouth, shaes his hea), )rags him in the free!er an) says, ?I’ll tae care of it tomorro*+@ MATIN. :hat if he *asn’t )ea)1 /<I#E. :e *ere $retty sure he *as+ Net )ay *as #atur)ay *hich  *as the o$ening of trout season+ All these guys *ere in an) out "uying "eer an) ice+ The "eer an) ice trucs  *ere coming an) going+ #o A")ul ust *ra$s uncle in $lastic an) $ushes him "ehin) the ice cream+ MATIN. 8ou ha) a )ea) "o)y "ehin) the ice cream161 /<I#E. It *asnt *asnt smelling smelling u$ the free!er+ free!er+ It *as *as *ra$$e) in $lastic, oay1 A")ul in) of forgot a"out it+
> /<I#E. is *ife’) call+ A")ul *oul) say, ?e’s in 9etroit+@ A")ul lies 9etroit+ #o *heneer she calle) an) it *as  me *ho’) ans*er, I’) say, ?e’s in 9etroit+@ An) she’) say, ?<ay+@ 9etroit *as oay+ For a *hile+ 4ut lately, there’e "een a lot of $hone calls+ 9ifferent $eo$le+ They *oul)n’t tal to me+ They *ante) A")ul or no"o)y+ 4ut A")ul *asn’t taing $hone calls anymore+
MATIN. I )on’t lie this at all+

/<I#E. #o last Fri)ay, he sho*s u$+ MATIN. 4ut you sai) A")ul neer comes in on Fri)ay6 /<I#E. Came this time+ Early morning+ #ai) he ha) a funeral arrange)+ #o *e $ut the "o)y in the car+ MATIN. 9on’t you hae to tha* it out first1 /<I#E. o* the hec *oul) I no*1 Thin I’m a funeral )irector1 Any*ay, I )i)n’t as+ 7la) it *as gone+ 9ea) "o)y "ehin) the ice cream1 7iing me the hee"eeee"ies+ /ater, A")ul calls+ All agitate)+ #ays the han)’s missing+ I’m thining, it must’e sna$$e) off  *hile *e *ere lugging ncle A")ulla to the car+ MATIN.
MATIN. /oosens you u$+

>; /<I#E. An) I al*ays go net )oor to 4urger Ding+ MATIN. #ee, I coul) neer un)erstan) that a"out a"out you+ Eleen "athroom seems fine to me+ 8ou hit An)  man

The -

/<I#E. )on’t see it lie I )o+ ncle A")ulla coul) neer the mar+ e *as a s$rayer+ All oer the $lace+ after he "ought the farm, I e$t thining, ?A )ea) too his )um$s on this ho$$er+@


8eah+

MATIN. Neer thought of that+

/<I#E. They al*ays got ten i)s *oring at 4urger Ding+ 4athroom’s immaculate+ 8ou coul) eat a *ho$$er off the tile, it’s that clean+ #o I $oste) the ?4ac in (;  minutes@ sign, *ent oer there *ith the ne* Cosmo+ I too a flashlight so I coul) hunt for the han) coming "ac+ I’m sitting there rea)ing a"out 4ar"ara :alters interie*ing Baris ilton *hen su))enly+ Da-4oom6 Co$s an) firemen on the scene all night an) all the net )ay+ First chance I got to loo for it *as to)ay+

(Long silence.

%!en

MATIN. 8ou )on’t thin A")ul $lante) a "om", )o you1 /<I#E. Marty, listen+ A")ul’s the "est+ e *oul)n’t hurt me+ e’s gien me three raises in the last t*o years+ MATIN. Beo$le change+
MATIN.

/<I#E. e *as gonna hae free hot )ogs on Christmas Ee+ 7et out6

MATIN.

>> /<I#E. er i)ea+ Bentecostals tae Christmas real serious+ MATIN. ot )ogs on Christmas+ I surely )o lie that conce$t+ /<I#E. 4ut it ain’t gonna ha$$en+ Too "a)+

MATIN. a) my mouth set+ e gonna re"uil)1

/<I#E. May"e, may"e not+ :hat he is )oing is learning #$anish+ MATIN. They s$ea #$anish in Meico, )on’t they1 Imagine they )o+

/<I#E. A")ul’s goo) at languages+

MATIN. #$eas English "etter’n me+ ear) him ri$ off ?influential@ an) ?ornithologist@ lie a cham$+ /<I#E. Face it+ The man’s in loe+ :hen you’re in loe, you alrea)y got one foot half*ay out the )oor+ MATIN. An) they coul) "e half*ay to Meico "y no*+ (Long silence. %!en Eer rea) of the $ioneers1 Fols *ho settle) the *est1 /ittle+

/<I#E.

MATIN. :hat I learne) *as, they e$t moing+ They’) sto$ some*here, *or a $iece of lan)+ Then someone *oul) come "y on their *ay further out+ An) they’) get all antsy an) moe on+ I guess they *ere scare) they’)  miss out+ There’s that scare) *or)+ /<I#E. 4et they *ere neer scare) "y a -Eleen "lo*ing u$+ MATIN. They ha) *il) In)ians an) range *ars an) the ole-InThe-:all gang+ #care) "alances out+ /<I#E. :ell, there’s no frontier anymore+

It’s all settle)+

>

There’s Alasa+

MATIN. They call it, the last frontier+

/<I#E. I )on’t no* any"o)y in Alasa+ MATIN. :ho )i) you no* *hen you came to Fargo1 /<I#E.

No one+

MATIN.

9uh6

/<I#E. May"e I shoul) leae a note+ No no no+

No notes+

MATIN.

/<I#E. 4ut+ 4ut ust saying A")ul’s still aroun) aroun) an) he comes comes "ac an) )oesn’t see me+ e might get *orrie)+ MATIN. :hen he )oesn’t see you, he’ll say you’re missing+ /<I#E. They "etter hae /otto+ I lie to $lay a )ollar a )ay+ MATIN. They got Mega Millions, #$innits, CA#ola, Bic >, scratchers+ They got oil money falling off the trees+ <))s are easy+ o* a"out *e $lay fie )ollars a )ay1 /<I#E. #o may"e I coul) "e /ucy /ouise u$ there+ MATIN.
(2e starts to eit.

2e t"rns an #eckons

> MATIN. :e got ten )ays to Christmas+ Fie )ays of har) )riing, *e’ll "e there+ #houl) tae a )ay or t*o to fin) *or+ Then it’ll "e lie any other year for you+ :oring at Christmas+ An) you no* *hat it’ll say on your name tag1 ?i, I’m Clau)ia+ Merry Christmas+@

(S!e takes t!e po"c! an slings it as $ar as s!e can. 7ae to #lack

The En)

>&

9EA9 AN7E/

Cast of Characters Michaelmale+ 0-something Angelfemale+ 0-something

#yno$sis T*o cheating loers *ae u$ in a hotel room, "ut one of them is )ea)+  

Note. Cea Angel ha) $ro)uctions in olly*oo) at First#tage an) at the :rite Act e$ertory+

0 The Time.

The $resent+

The Blace. A hotel room+

(At Rise: early morning, a#o"t I:90 a.m. S"#"e lig!ting. -)*2AL an ANBL asleep, lying #ack to #ack. Silence ecept $or -)*2AL1s #reat!ing. 4resently -)*2AL #egins moving, slowly  at $irst. %!en we see !im moving more, tossing a#o"t. %!en !e starts waking "p  #y egrees. 2e props !imsel$ "p to get !is #earings. 2e switc!es on lig!t Angel+ Angel+ :ae u$+

MICAE/. :ae u$, Angel+

(Silence.

Angel+

The cushion is soae)+

ANBL oes not move

MICAE/. (A little lo"er :ae u$+ Angel6

(Silence.

ANBL oes not move

MICAE/. (4ros ANBL wit! !an Angel+ Angel+ Are you oay1 Are you sic1 Angel $lease+ Angel+ :ae u$+ Blease *ae u$+ (2is $ace close to !er lips 8ou’re not "reathing, Angel+ :hat’s the matter, Angel1
(

MICAE/ (*ont.
AN7E/.

MICAE/. I+ I cant "eliee this+ Im sorry, Michael+ 8ou no*, you’re+ $erson+

AN7E/. MICAE/. 8ou’re my first+

My first )ea)

AN7E/. is first+ e al*ays )oes that+ es "ig on maing lists an) $rioriti!ing things+ First, secon), thir), etc+ /ie it means something+ MICAE/. An)+ An) I )on’t no* *hat ha$$ens net+ :hat are the rules *hen+ :hen :hen you *ae u$ u$ an) you get+ get+ This1 AN7E/. e’s asing me1 e thins I no*1 4eliee me, Michael+ This *asn’t $lanne)+ 8ou’ll ust hae to feel your *ay along+ MICAE/. I rea) some*here+ Beo$le Maga!ine, I thin+ I rea)+ That $eo$le *ho+ 8ou no*+ Beo$le *ho uh+ /ie+ 9ie1 Their souls )on’t )on’t leae right a*ay+ They uh+ 8ou no*+ They stic aroun) for a *hile+ AN7E/. 8es+ That’s right+ I’m still here+ #ome of the cell grou$s tae a *hile to s*itch off+ I get to stay until all the systems are )o*n+ Then I turn off the lights+

2

MICAE/. 8ou hae such a "eautiful "o)y, Angel+ AN7E/. #$eaing of *hich+ Not to soun) cru)e, "ut I’m in) of lying here in my o*n $ee+ It *oul) "e nice if someone  moe) me+ MICAE/. I *ish I coul) tae you in my arms right no*+ AN7E/. 8es+ Blease+ Blease )o+ I’m asing you to+ in your arms, Michael+ 4ut the $olice - -

Tae me

MICAE/. AN7E/.

9arn6

MICAE/. They’ll *ant nothing )istur"e)+ Fine+

<ay+

AN7E/. :hateer+

(Silence. %!en -)*2AL starts weeping
AN7E/.

MICAE/. (So##ing All I *ante)+ All I eer *ante) *as a sim$le, uncluttere) office romance+ AN7E/. I *ish he *oul)n’t )o that+ I can’t )eal *ith a crying  man+ If any"o)y shoul) "e crying, it’s me+ MICAE/. (3l"##ering The other managers hae sim$le uncluttere) office romances+ AN7E/. All the other managers are sim$le uncluttere) $rics+
3 AN7E/. Michael, you’re a lot of things "ut you’re not lie them+ MICAE/. :as it so *rong for me to *ant an uncom$licate) relationshi$1 AN7E/. Is this a rhetorical 5uestion1 MICAE/. A relationshi$ uncom$licate) "y - AN7E/. ncom$licate) "y you-no*-*hat+
ight+

An) no no regrets+

AN7E/. Eactly+ /oe neer neer says, ?
MICAE/.

AN7E/. /oe neer says, ?
No secon) thoughts+

MICAE/.

AN7E/. ight again+ /oe neer says, ?h, can *e may"e go "ac an), lie, un)o *hat *e )i)1@ No tears+

No fears+

MICAE/.

AN7E/. No recriminations+ /oe neer says, ?8ou’re *earing me out+ 8ou’re suffocating me+ o* a"out let’s ust "e frien)s for a *hile1@

(2e p"lls !imsel$ toget!er, a#s !is eyes, #lows !is nose on a Hleene. Silence, t!en... 8ou no*, it’s funny+

MICAE/.



Funny1

AN7E/. 8ou hear me laughing, Michael1

MICAE/. To)ays our anniersary+
AN7E/. I *asn’t a*are+ I totally forgot that+

MICAE/. Galentines 9ay+ A year ago+ Megan *as out of to*n isiting relaties+ I *as *oring late on a re$ort+ 8ou agree) to stay an) hel$ get it ty$e) u$+
AN7E/. I )o remem"er+

MICAE/. Galentines 9ay means nothing to Megan+ #hes not the sentimental ty$e+ #hes a $ractical, "y-the-num"ers $erson+ AN7E/. 8ou )escri"e) her as clinical+ Bassionless+ MICAE/. Not that Im com$laining, min) you+ #hes a goo)  mother+ A *on)erful houseee$er+ AN7E/. Those are, of course, fine 5ualities+ MICAE/. An) as for this "eing our anniersary, I guess it’s a  moot $oint no*+ AN7E/. Moot+ :hy )o manager ty$es use that *or)1 eactly is a moot1

:hat

(2e picks "p a wrappe present, !ols it "p MICAE/. I *as going to sur$rise you+ :ell+

AN7E/. This is )efinitely a sur$rise+

MICAE/. a$$y anniersary, Angel+ a$$y Galentines 9ay+

;

(2e sets t!e present on t!e #e Than you, Michael+

AN7E/.

MICAE/. I )on’t min) a)mitting, Ie "een thining long an) har) a"out us, a"out this+ This thing *e hae+ a)+ #eeral times I came into *or *ith a s$eech all $re$are)+ AN7E/. 8es+ Me, too+ #eeral times I *as going to "rea it off+ I *as going to say something lie+ (*lears !er t!roat Michael, I loe you, "ut I can’t )o this+ I can’t loo at myself in the mirror an) - MICAE/. (*lears !is t!roat Angel, I loe you, "ut I can’t )o this to Megan+ can’t loo her in the eye anymore+

I

(%!ey are #ot! s"enly silent. %!en... MICAE/. 8ou no*, stu)ies sho* office romances can result in a+ A )isru$tie *or$lace+ AN7E/. 9isru$tie1 e shoul) count the times I *ore) oertime A/
AN7E/. MICAE/.

> AN7E/. :inston’s not ust a cat+ MICAE/. :inston’s not lie+ 8ou no*+ Not lie - <ay6

<ay6

AN7E/. 8ou )ont hae to say it6

MICAE/ O AN7E/. Not lie Megan an) the t*ins+ AN7E/. I *ant you to $romise me+ Bromise me that you’ll care for :inston+ MICAE/. I )ont *ant you to *orry a"out :inston+ I’ll go get him+ I’ll tae him to a shelter+ AN7E/.

No6

MICAE/. I’ll mae sure it’s )one tomorro*+ e’s an ol) cat+

AN7E/. They’ll $ut him to slee$+

MICAE/. e’ll fin) a nice home+ ea) my li$s+

AN7E/. No"o)y *ants an ol) cat+

MICAE/. 8ou no* I’) tae him in a heart"eat, "ut the t*ins nee) a itten+ An) I )ont thin Megan *oul) - AN7E/. #o this is ho* it en)s+ =ust toss us out+ File an) forget+ I must confess I al*ays hate) Galentines 9ay+ I) see the a)s on TG of a man "ringing his loer a $earl neclace or a )iamon) "racelet an) I) cry out, ?:hat a"out me1 :hat )o I get1@ :hat is there for a  *oman *ith a cat *hos marrie) to her o"1 Forgie  me, Michael+ Its the *rong time for me to "e enting+

(Long silence. ANBL <"ietly so##ing MICAE/. :hen Megan fin)s out, I )on’t no* *hat she’s going to )o+

 Megan’s a $rou) *oman+

AN7E/.

MICAE/. It’s fifty-fifty she’ll tae me "ac+ AN7E/. More lie sity-forty against+ It’s a tossu$+

MICAE/.

AN7E/. More lie a toss out+ 4e sure to ee$ a "ag $ace)+ MICAE/. I’ll tell her it *as ust one of those things+ say it )i)n’t mean anything+ Burely $hysical+

Ill

AN7E/. No $ro"lem there+ =ust se, no regrets+ Eery *oman un)erstan)s that+ Nothing to *orry a"out+
MICAE/. :hat am I saying1 #he’s going to ill me+

AN7E/. I rea) something a"out cheating+ I thin in Beo$le Maga!ine+ A lot of men en) u$ cheating after a cou$le of years, "ecause they feel they’re missing out on something+ It’s a in) of frustration thing an) they nee) to get it out of their system+ After *hich, in seen out of ten cases, they come "ac, rene*e) an) recharge)+ Tell her that, Michael+ #he’ll ill me+ alie+

MICAE/. No )ou"t a"out it+

#he’ll sin me

AN7E/. I’m sorry+ I *ish I coul) "e there for you, Michael+
8es1

MICAE/. AN7E/. (%rem#ling, scare

MICAE/. I’e change) my min)+ I’ll tae care of :inston+

 AN7E/.
(2e covers !er wit! a s!eet. 2e picks "p  t!e p!one an ials an waits w!ile it rings at t!e ot!er en AN7E/. (7rom "ner t!e s!eet, str"ggling to speak I’m leaing, Michael+ 7oo) "ye+ 7oo)+ 4ye+ MICAE/. Megan1 i+ 8es, I no* it’s early+ 8es, I’ll+ I’ll "e flying home tonight+ Flight >22+ 8es, the usual flight+ /isten, I hae something to tell you+ #omething ery "a) has ha$$ene)+ #ome"o)y )ie)+

(2e contin"es to talk #"t m"sic rowns o"t !is voice. 3lacko"t The En)

&

TAND 8< Cast of Characters =oanFemale, age mi) to late 20’s ToniFemale, age early 20’s #yno$sis It is Christmas Ee an) =oan an) Toni are a"out to hae their Commitment Ceremony+ 4ut first, some unfinishe) "usiness+ Technical e5uirements A sofa, a chair, 2 )oors, soun)-effect of a Christmas $arty in net room+

%!ank /o" *as $ro)uce) at the #ecret ose Theatre in olly*oo) an) off-4roa)*ay "y /oe Cree Bro)uctions+ It *as *orsho$$e) at the unger Artists Theatre in
0

()nsie a room. So"ns o$ a *!ristmas  party in t!e net room. %wo oors. ne oor leas to party. %!e ot!er leas to a #at!room. JAN paces, rink in !er  !an. S!e sips nervo"sly, glances at watc! =
(Coor opens, la"g!ing voices, clinking  glasses. nter %N), resse  Bot!)n"strial, wit! rink in !an T
=
T
8es+

T
/ost my $hone+ /ost your $hone1 8eah+ o*1

7on!o+

=
T
(

T
9unno+

=
Toni+

T
8eah1

=
T
ight+

I mean it, Toni+ you+

=
8ou no* ho*

T
#ure+

Fucing A+

7o+

=
(pens oor, la"g!ing voices, clinking glasses. %N) eits

2 =
(Coor opens, la"g!ing voices, clinking glasses. %N) re=enters carrying two rinks T
(%akes it. Than you+

/oo uh+

=
T
It’s oay+

=
T
=
T
=
3 T
=
#orry+

T
(%akes sip 4ogart sai) the *orl)’s al*ays three )rins "ehin)+ 9i) you no* that1 No+

(Silence. I’m thining - -

=
%!en

8eah+

T
=
Thin+

:ho sai), ?:hat

=
T
T
T

=
:hich Denne)y1 I )on’t no*6 I hear)+

=
Three times+

No, I’m going+ No, you’re not+ :hy are you saying no1

T
T
I am+ Case close)+

=
I

I

;

8ou *on’t sto$ me+

=
4u))ha6

=
I mean it+ It *as 4u))ha6

T
=
It’s

T
(Starts to eit Blease, Toni+

=
T
(%N) opens oor, la"g!ing voices, clinking glasses. %N) eits =
>

(Coor opens, la"g!ing voices, clinking glasses. %N) enters wit! two rinks #ee1

#till so"er+

T
=
No+ <ay, fine+

T
No+ :hat )o you mean, no1

T
=
I mean - -

T
Toni, $lease+

=
T
No+

8es+

=


No+

=
(Avancing 8es+ Mitch is gonna grin from ear to ear+ All the guestie-guests are gonna go, a****, ain’t that s*eet1

No+

8es+

No+

=
/et’s roll+

=
T


T
(Coor opens. #ay+

JAN enters

=
8eah, that’s me+

T
=
T
=
T
=
T
Christmas Ee

#he’s smart that *ay+

=
&

(%akes arm Than you+

=
T

=
8es1 That’s a nice )ress+ Than you+

T
eal classy+

=
(%!ey walk toget!er arm in arm. 3lacko"t  The En)

&0

A TEAM B/A8E A short $lay

#yno$sis enry, a successful man, frustrate) "y the )rift an)  malaise in his life, *e)s Ma)eline, a *oman half his age "ecause he *ants to reie, rene*, refresh, reuenate+ 4ut as the raages of time cons$ire against him, Ma)eline is left alone to $erform one final act of  mercy+

Character 4rea)o*n Co$male, t*enty-something Ma))iefemale, early 0’s enrymale, early >0’s Technical e5uirements Bolice uniform, *heelchair, soft"all "at, soft"all, 2 soft"all mitts

 *as $ro)uce) at the Ganguar) Theatre in  *as A %eam 4layer 
&(

(3are stage. *4 staning. 3e!in !im, 2NR/, -ACL)N an w!eelc!air C
&2

C
MA9E/INE. Eect him6 Dic that hoo)lum out6

C
C
&3 MA9E/INE. Then you’re a co*ar)+ 9o you *ant to "e a co*ar)1 C
& EN8. 9o these 8u$$ies eer actually get to see their )ogs1 %Course they )o+

MA9E/INE.

EN8. :ell, I’m ust a sim$le attorney+ attorney+ 9on’t hae hae time for a )og+ #o *hat )i) you thin of my four for four1 MA9E/INE. 8ou *ere $retty goo)+ Bretty goo)1

EN8. :ha))aya mean1

I ha) an MGB night+

MA9E/INE. Their $itcher *asn’t eactly maing you *or+ EN8. :hat are you taling a"out1 e coul) "ring it+ MA9E/INE. is $itches ha) ?hit me@ *ritten all oer them+ #ay *hat161

EN8.

MA9E/INE. itting is timing+ Bitching is u$setting timing+ There *as no moement on his "all+ EN8. I su$$ose you coul) )o "etter+ 4etter than him+

MA9E/INE.

EN8. Tell you something, /ynnie+ 8ou got a hellua $artner here+ #he’s got some "alls+ /ynnie giggles+ I turn "ac to Ma))ie, I "et you coul)n’t+ MA9E/INE. I coul) )ust you on t*o $itches+ EN8. 9ust me1 8ou’re gonna )ust me161 8ou hear that, 9anny1 4right Eyes here says she can )ust me+ 9anny rolls his eyes+ Tell you *hat, 4right Eyes+ If you can )ust me, I’ll "uy you the "est stea in to*n+ =ust name the time an) $lace+

&; MA9E/INE. First of all, my name isn’t 4right Eyes+ #econ)ly, I )on’t eat stea+ 4ut you can "uy me a salmon fillet+ fillet+ EN8. 8ou mean, if you )ust me+ MA9E/INE. I mean, *hen I )ust you+ EN8. #o ho* a"out let’s )o it right here1


MA9E/INE. 8ou are really $ushing it+ EN8. That’s *hat I )o+ Bush it+ <ay, *inner cro*s, loser o*es+ #he shaes, strong gri$+ I get a "at, t*o soft"alls+ :e gather in the alley+ alf the $eo$le in the "ar there+ :e $ace it off, $iece of car)"oar) for a $late+ I fli$ her the "alls+ ere you go, 4right Eyes, t*o "alls, t*o $itches+ I get into my crusher stance+ #he has her game face on, staring me )o*n+ For the first time, I focus on the *hole Ma))ie+ Insi)e, it *as across a ta"le, air thic *ith smoe+ I see she’s a"out fie ten, long "lac hair, long legs, giing me a #$ary /yle smir+ I gie her my Thurman Munson sco*l+ I s$it+ #he *in)s u$, stri)es, releases+ A riser to*ar) the mi))le of the $late+ /oos easy+ I stri)e into it, ust as it lea$s u$ an) flashes $ast my chin+ I $ic  myself off the as$halt, you trying to ill me1
MA9E/INE. 7uess it sli$$e)+

EN8. :ant me to moe closer1 Mae it easier for you1 MA9E/INE. 8ou ust *orry a"out your hitting, #lugger+ EN8. I )ig in+ er "ac to me no*+ #he’s hol)ing the "all u$ to her face, taling to it+ Then she turns, gies  me an Al ra"osy Ma) ungarian glare+ I counter *ith  my 7ary Carter unfla$$a"le grin+ I’m thining, she amme) me last time, she’s setting me u$ for the outsi)e corner+ #he no)s, *in)s u$, stri)es, a little crouch ust "efore she releases+ The "all starts out lo*, rising 5uicly an) hea)ing to*ar) the outsi)e corner of the $late+ Aha6 =ust as I guesse)+ 4ut, as I shift my "o)y, it tails insi)e an) in) of )ro$s+ I $o$ u$ *ealy to the moun)+ #he one-han)s it+

&> MA9E/INE. I’ll hae that salmon caun style+ 9amn6

EN8. :as she eer goo)6

MA9E/INE. 9amn you, enry #le!a+ 9amn 9amn you6 9amn you6 you6 9amn you6 you6 No6 No, *ait+ #to$+ I )i)n’t mean that+ I tae it "ac+ I )on’t *ant you )amne)+ At "ottom, you’re as goo) a man in your *ay as there has eer "een+ A  *on)erful $roi)er+ A *on)erful loer+ A *on)erful com$anion+ An) a ery stu""orn man+ The *or) ?no@ is not in your leicon+ 9oes not com$ute+ 8ou "ought a )og+ T*ice a *ee, you noce) on my )oor *ith some canine issue+ I sai), no, go a*ay+ Then the gifts starte) coming+ 7ift after gift after gift+ I sai) no, no, no+ Tae them a*ay+ Then you cam$e) on my )oorste$+ I sai), go a*ay+ 4ut I ha) to let you in or you *oul) hae caught $neumonia out there+ The gifts e$t coming+ I e$t saying no, "ut you "roe me+ 8ou’re a "ig attorney+ 8ou no* ho* to "rea $eo$le+ EN8. I *ant you on my team, 4right Eyes+ :e’re *orl) class+ :orl) class+

MA9E/INE. 8ou lie that term+

EN8. #o tell me+ :hat’s it gonna tae to a)) you to the enry #le!a roster1 (2e !ans !er a pen an a pa ere, go ahea)+ 8ou *rite a num"er+ Then I’ll *rite a num"er+ Then *e’ll com$are, see if *e’re in the "all$ar+ MA9E/INE. 4all$ar+ Another faorite enry #le!a term+ you )iorce) your *ife+

Then

EN8. (2ols "p a t!ick legal oc"ment /oo, 4right Eyes+ The settlement agreement+ I cut Can)ace from the s5ua)+ #he’s a free agent no*+ (%"rns to t!e last page #ee that num"er1 That’s *hat it cost to "uy out her contract+ 8ou *anna no* something1 I *oul) hae $ai) ten times that amount "ecause+ MA9E/INE. 4ecause you *ere resole) to clarify your life, "ring the essential things into shar$ focus+ 8ou sai) you  *ere intent on clearing out - -

& EN8. Clearing out the clutter+ Clearing out the chaos+ I nee) to reie+ ene*+ efresh+ euenate+ 8ou’re  *orth the inestment, 4right Eyes, "ecause you - MA9E/INE. 4ecause I re$resent sim$licity+ 8our *or), enry+ 8ou  *ere so sure you ha) me caught in your *e"+ #o sure of yourself+ #o sure of your $ur$ose+ An) you *ere right+ :ho coul) resist you1 EN8. (%akes $ole s!eet o$ paper $rom  pocket. Un$ols it. 2ans it to !er The $renu$tual agreement+ ereinafter calle), ?The Agreement+@ Eeryone’s using them these )ays+ An) they’re a goo) thing+ Thin of it lie a contract to $lay for a team+ 9efines your relationshi$ to the team+
EN8. 9o the time+

MA9E/INE. #houl) Bete ose "e in)ucte) into the all1 A"solutely not6 e "roe the rules6 Eactly6

EN8.

& MA9E/INE.

(Reas ?The $arties to this marriage hae )iscusse) their future $lans an) )esires relating to haing'a)o$ting chil)ren+ 4oth $arties here"y acno*le)ge they shall not hae'a)o$t chil)ren once marrie)+ This $roision is "ase) u$on an analysis of the $arties’ $resent an) antici$ate) family structure, financial situation an) the lifestyle the $arties antici$ate haing+@ (2e gives !er a pen. S!e signs
&& C
(3lacko"t The En)

(00

/ITT/E =IMM8 Character 4rea)o*n =asonMale, teenager =are)Male, teenager 4rentMale, teenager

#yno$sis Three teenage i)eo gamers tal a"out a shooting inci)ent at school as they $lay a iolent i)eo game+ Technical e5uirements 4e), )es, com$uter+ #oun) effect of com$uter game running+ #oun) effect of garage )oor+  receie) a $ro)uction at the ill-Murray  receie) Little Jimmy  8oung Berformers :orsho$+

(0(

(arly a$ternoon. A teenage #oy1s #eroom. 4osters on wall anno"nce to t!e worl t!is is t!e room o$ a vieo game wanna#e. Cesk wit! comp"ter. A #e o$$ to t!e sie. JASN enters, $ollowe #y JARC ' 3RN%. %!ey still !ave t!eir #ook#ags on. %!ey start "nstrapping t!e #ook#ags 4ENT. #*eet+ I lie the $osters+ 8ou gotta gimme your )ecorator’s name+ (3RN% nos towar comp"ter #tellar setu$, )u)e+ =A#
=AE9.

4ENT. ey, *ait6 ol) it right there ust one minute+ 9on’t  moe, you t*o+ :hat1

=AE9.

4ENT. (Steps #ack. 2e is #e!in t!em. 4oints !is $inger at t!em, making a pistol 4lam6 4lam6 4lam6 I hate you6 8ou’re all )ea)6 4lam6 =AE9. :hat the hell *as that a"out1 4ENT. 8ou )i)n’t get it1 That *as /ittle =immy+ in the "oo"ag+ =ust lie /ittle =immy+
I shot you

=AE9.

4ENT. 4lam6 4lam6 8ou try to run a*ay+ 4ut /ittle =immy shoots you in the "oo"ag again+ 4lam6 7reat target+ /ie a "ullseye on your "ac+ 4lam6 =A#
(02 :ha))aya mean1

4ENT. That *as hilarious+

=AE9. (Crops #ook#ag on $loor. Unips #ook#ag, takes o"t memory stick ela, =ason+ 4rent’s al*ays )oing stuff.  mean anything+ =ust 4rent "eing 4rent+

e )oesn’t

4ENT. =are), seriously, you )i)n’t thin that *as funny1 /et it go+

=AE9.

=A#
Fast "ootu$+

=AE9.

=A#
(3RN% !ops onto t!e #e. Lies $ace "p, tossing a tennis #all "p at t!e ceiling =AE9. :ait’ll the game comes u$+ <ay, there+ There it is+ 8ou see that1 That’s a gra$hic of a )oor+ The )oor’s $ro"a"ly rigge)+ Bro"a"ly a "om"+ o* can you tell1 8ou assume+

=A#
4ENT. If you assume, you mae an ass out of you an) me+

(03

=AE9. Ignore him+ 8ou al*ays assume+ No* moe 4ogarts team u$ to the )oor+ =ust 4ogart1

=A#
=AE9. =ust 4ogart+ Chae! an) #antiago can coer+ Come on+ Come on+ 9o it+ Moe, moe6 8ou gotta moe fast or - =A#
#hit6

=AE9. (Reas Mission Failure+ 8our team has "een ille)+

(La"g!s :ay to go, =ase+ $ yours, 4rent+

4ENT.

=A#
(3RN% makes a so"n like !e1s #een goose =AE9. 8ou can’t ust stan) there+ 7otta ee$ moing+ Tangos are al*ays moing+ 8ou stan) still, you’re )ea)+ =A#
(n !earing t!at, 3RN% groans =AE9. Then you’re not $laying the game+ =A#
I got

(0 4ENT. aing the cheat co)es is lie "eing on a )ate *ith 8olan)a an) no*ing ho* to hy$noti!e her+ I mean,  *here’s the a)enture1 =A#
#o+

=A#
:e *ere frien)s+

4ENT.

=AE9. No+ Chec that+ :e *ere ac5uaintances+ /ie gamers no* other gamers1 It’s not lie *e hung together+ 4ENT. 8eah+ That’s right+ Common threa) *as gaming+ /ie a "ig clu" *ith no mem"ershi$ rules+ There’s een some teachers into gaming+ =A#
8eah1 #ure+

:hy not1

4ENT.

=AE9. (ver JASN1s s!o"ler, closer to screen. JASN intent on typing They nee) a life, too+ All right+ :e’re "ac at the )oor+ 8ou got the )oor in front of you+ Dee$ moing+ 7oo) goo)+ The )oor’s $ro"a"ly rigge)+ Bro"a"ly a "om"+ Bosition your teams+ #antiago an) Chae! to coer+ 7oo)+ A)ance 4ogart’s team+ No no+ 9on’t let them "unch together+ #$rea) them out+ 8es goo)+ Chec the heart"eat sensors+ 7oo)+ From 4ogart’s team, "rea out oger McAllen+ McAllen+ Chec to to ensure he’s in a heay uniform+ Is he1 Is he161 (Leans closer to screen :ell come on6611 Is he in a heay uniform161 h+

No+

=A#
(0; =AE9. #hit6 <ay, oay+ #ae the game+ urry, sae it6 7oo)+ No* hit esca$e+ All right+ (Nos. %!en This is *here cheat co)es )on’t )on’t hel$+ oger McAllen is your )emolitions s$ecialist+ e gra)es su$er high in )efusing )efusing "om"s "om"s an) "reaching )oors+ If you lose him  no* "ecause of something stu$i) lie forgetting the heay uniform, then later in the game *hen you’re outsi)e another rigge) )oor *here the tangos are hol)ing hostages+ 4ENT. 9oes the $hrase ?u$ shit cree@ ring a "ell1 9etails+

=AE9. It’s a game of )etails+

That *as so real+ 8eah+

=A#
4ENT. That’s the high you get+

=A#
:hoa6

4ENT. An) you sai) I got /ittle /ittle =immy on the the "rain+

(0> =A#
A list1

=A#
=AE9. I )i)n’t hear that+ :hat I hear), he tol) $eo$le they  *ere in iolation an) he *as going to shoot them+ 4ENT. 8eah, I hear) that too+ e’) tell them the reason+ For eam$le+ e tol) 4ar"ara Al$ert+ =A#
=A#
4ENT. e sai) her tits *ere too "ig+ iolation+

e sai) she ha) a tit

=AE9. I hear) he tol) thirty $eo$le+ 4ENT. I hear) at least thirty+ e sai) cra!y stuff+ 4ut if they got $isse), he tol) them he *as ust oing+ =AE9. Eeryone calle) him a clo*n+ 4ut he *asn’t een a goo) clo*n+ 8ou no*, no*, there *as nothing he *as goo) at+ Een gaming+ /ittle =immy *as me)iocre+ /ess than me)iocre+ Eactly+

4ENT.

=AE9. I can’t recall him actually eer *inning+

(0

I neer hear) he )i)+

4ENT.

=AE9. I )on’t "eliee there eer *as a list+ If there’s a list, that means you’re $lanning stuff+ 4ENT. /ittle =immy *as s$ur of the moment+ =AE9. #trictly s$ur+ Meine ma)e that u$+ Bro"a"ly to get his name in the $a$er+ (Silence. So"n o$ JASN1s $ingers on t!e key#oar. %!en I’) hae a list+ 8eah1

=A#
=A#
:oul) it1

4ENT. /ittle =immy ust stoo) there an), you no*, shot %em in the "oo"ag+ #hot *hoeer *ale) "y+ That’s not efficient+ I mean c’mon6 8ou gotta )o "etter than that6 I mean, if I *as going to ill some $eo$le at school, I no* I coul) )o "etter than that+ =AE9. #o *ho’) "e first on your list, =ason1 4ig 7+ 7onella1

=A#
=A#
(0 =AE9. e’) "e u$ there on my list too+ :oul) you tell him1 No+

4ENT. =A#
ell no+

=AE9. /ittle =immy *as *as an i)iot for for telling $eo$le+ on your list, 4rent1 h+

:ho’) "e

4ENT. =effrey Alioto, Maureen 9aison, Ditty #ue Firr+

=effrey, yeah+

=AE9. 9itto, Ditty #ue+

4ENT. Then Maureen’s off the list+ )eath "y =are) #ou!a+

Maureen, I lie+

#ae) from a $ainful

=A#
:hat a guy6 (So"n o$ garage oor My mom’s home+ :ant us to leae1

=AE9.

=A#
4ENT. Then *e’ll stay

(JASN a+"sts monitor an types =AE9. (7rom over JASN1s s!o"ler <ay+ A)ance the 4ogart team+ se the eart"eat sensor "efore you enter the room+ :hen *e "lo* the )oor, hae the Chae! an) #antiago teams crash the room+ :e s$ray the room left an) right+ 9on’t forget+ /eft+ Then right+ #traight ahea), you ill the hostages+ 7ot that1

(JASN nos as m"sic swells, rowning o"t so"n. 3lacko"t The En)

(0&

ME8 CI#TMA#, 4ITC6 Cast of Characters #on)ra #*eetFemale,in her early 0’s 9uane Cham$agneMale, in his >0’s /aura /oeFemale, in her late 0’s #yno$sis A theatre o*ne) "y a Christmas 7rinch is ina)e) "y a trou$e rehearsing 9icens A *!ristmas *arol+ An) it isnt long "efore no one has the Christmas s$irit+

-erry *!ristmas, 3itc! receie) a $ro)uction at the Chance Theatre in
((0

(At Rise: A stage in an empty t!eatre. A microp!one on a stan #
9ANE CAMBA7NE. ello u$ there+

(((

Ecuse us+

/AA /
I *ish+

/AA /
/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. /oely theater+ #o intimate+ #oso e ne sais 5uoi+ /AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE.

#
9irector1

9ANE CAMBA7NE. :e’re rehearsing 9icens’ A Christmas Carol+ chil)ren of the $arish+

:ith the

For the

/AA /
((2 9ANE CAMBA7NE. ()nicating !is cost"me
I’m 9uane

#
#crooge, huh1

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. #to$ it, /aura+ Blease+

/AA /
/AA /
#
/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. :e no* *hat that’s lie+ /AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE.

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. Tic toc tic toc+

It’s

((3 #
Ah ha+

#

#
Gerse+

#
:hat1

9ANE CAMBA7NE. :e )on’t say lines in the 4i"le+ :e say erses+

/AA /
No shit+

(A"i#le gasp $rom LAURA ' CUAN Bersonally, I thin it’s a lot of hooey+

ooey1 8eah+

/AA /
(Long pain$"l pa"se

:ell+

9ANE CAMBA7NE. (3arely a#le to remain civil I thin *e ha) "est get starte)+

8es, *e "etter+

/AA /
(( #
/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. 4ut *e nee) the *hole - #
ight

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. ol) off for a cou$le of hours1 #
((;

No+

9ANE CAMBA7NE. (Stage w!isper to La"ra They hae four funerals an) a *e))ing to)ay+

This is ri)iculous+

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE.

:ell+

/AA /
:ell1

9ANE CAMBA7NE. :ell, I hae a t*enty+ /AA /
(SNCRA SE% eits 9ANE CAMBA7NE.

This is insane+

/AA /
I’m sorry+ Not your fault+ se an) money+

9ANE CAMBA7NE. orri) *oman+ All she tals a"out is

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. /et’s ust "loc her out+ /AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. Can you "eliee it1 /AA /
I’ll "et she

((>

9ANE CAMBA7NE. No )ou"t she )oes+ An) this+ This is so un)ignifie)6 (SNCRA SE% re=enters wit! #ottle in  paper sack $rom w!ic! s!e takes sips
(CUAN ' LAURA ec!ange a meaning$"l glance ight+

9ANE CAMBA7NE. /et’s get on *ith it+

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. I’m rea)y+

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. R#$irit, tell me if Tiny Tim *ill lie+R /AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE.
/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. :hy a "lacout1

((

/AA /
:hateer+

9ANE CAMBA7NE. (&isi#ly "n!appy at !er response

Bage >, $lease+ Fine+

Bage >+

/AA /
/AA /
/AA /
It’s Christmas6R

9ANE CAMBA7NE. (Not p"tting m"c! energy into it RIt’s Christmas 9ay6 I haen’t misse) it+ The #$irits hae )one it all in one night+ They can )o anything they lie+
(( /AA /
More

9ANE CAMBA7NE.

I )o not suc+

/AA /
No"o)y6

/AA /
Ms #*eet+ Ecuse me+

#
/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. 8ou thin I suc1 Is that *hat you thin1

#to$ it+

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. #o6 4acsta""er6 Mata ari6 The truth comes out6 9uane6

/AA /
I am #crooge6

9ANE CAMBA7NE. #crooge6 An) I )o not suc6

((& 9uane6

/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. 9on’t $sychoanaly!e me, youyou -
/AA /
9ANE CAMBA7NE. (Slams top !at to $loor That’s it6 I 5uit6 Im leaing6 #
(CUAN eits /AA /
(LAURA eits #
(%osses !at on $loor. The En)

its

(20

CI#TMA# TCE Cast of Characters

   

#olomon++++++++++++++In his ;0’s Clarissa+++++++++++++In her ;0’s Treor+++++++++++++++++ Man rsula+++++++++++++++++ :oman

#yno$sis. Thin of 7eorge an) Martha from Al"ees RGirgina :oolfR an) youll hae a fair i)ea of the yuleti)e lunacy in this short $lay+ *!ristmas %r"ce receie) a $ro)uction at the Chance

Theatre in
(2(

(At rise: Kam. )nsie cost"me s!op. Cark. So"n o$ oor opening, closing. 7ootsteps. Lig!ts on. 3ig sign *S%U-S 3/ SL-N ' *LAR)SSA6 4rop isplay on wall: pistols, swors, knives, movie posters. *LAR)SSA enters C/AI##A. (3angs s!in on st"ry piece o$ $"rnit"re <***6
C/AI##A.
#
I

(SL-N enters #
/oo+

C/AI##A. My $oor leg+

/oo at me+

(22 #
(*LAR)SSA ret"rns kni$e to prop isplay, limps to w!iskey #ottle, eaggerating !er in+"ry, po"rs a rink #ol, $lease+ each other+

C/AI##A. :e’re a team+ :e’re su$$ose) to hel$

#
(23

#
mmm+

May

#
C/AI##A. Eactly+ From no* through the t*ele )ays of Christmas+ A noel conce$t+
#
C/AI##A. :hat ha$$ene) to the soul of the artist I

All right then+

#
C/AI##A. Ill not )ignify that *ith an ans*er+ #
#
(2 9one6

C/AI##A.

(%!ey s!ake !ans. Lig!ts o"t. %ime  passes. Lig!ts "p. SL-N ' *LAR)SSA are #"sy $itting %R&R $or a cost"me. %!ey stan $acing eac! ot!er wit! %R&R #etween t!em. 7a#ric !angs loosely $rom  !im as t!ey $ile wit! neeles, pins, scissors an t!rea #
#o in) in) of you to

#
In)ee)1

()mpresse

TEG<.

C/AI##A.
In)ee)+

TEG<. (Cisappointe

#
(2; C/AI##A. The *i)th of the shoul)ers, )i) you say1 #
I shall+

C/AI##A.

(*LAR)SSA walks to w!ere SL-N stans. S!e critically regars %R&R w!o #ecomes increasingly nervo"s 8ou see *hat I mean1

#
C/AI##A.
Not

TEG<. Is something seriously *rong1

#
C/AI##A.

TEG<. =ust *hat the )euce is going on1 #
#
C/AI##A. 4ase) on an alternate theory+

(2> #
TEG<. :hat am I1 A $otte) $lant1

C/AI##A. The $ro"lem, $ut "riefly, is the hea)+ #
The hea)+

TEG<.

My hea)1

C/AI##A. The fa"ric on the shoul)ers *as not cut too narro*+ Not to $ut too fine a $oint on it, "ut it *as cut rather too $erfectly+ The issue is -
#
It is the

TEG<. :hat’s *rong *ith my hea)1 It’s lie a $um$in+ /ie a ca""age+

C/AI##A. #
TEG<. Nothing is *rong *rong *ith my hea)+ hea)+ is mum an) )a)+

It’s a normal hea)+

#
C/AI##A. Must hae "een hi)eously )eforme)+ #
(2 TEG<.

:hat1 I agree+ This+

C/AI##A. I agree a"solutely+

TEG<. This is an outrage6

#
A turey+

Turey11

#
C/AI##A. 4est sto$ no* an) $rocee) to the net client+ #
#
TEG<. 8ou sto$ right there an) hear me out6

:hat a"out #icilian1

#
(2

(SL-N ' *LAR)SSA start to eit. As t!ey o, loose $a#ric starts to slie o$$ %R&R1S #oy, eposing !is #are #"ttocks TEG<. 8ou t*o *ill "e hearing from my attorney6 Tuscany+

C/AI##A. :hat a"out Tuscan cuisine1

Cala"rian+

#
C/AI##A.
(%!ey eit TEG<. (2oling t!e $a#ric "p wit! i$$ic"lty, covering !imsel$ There’s nothing amiss *ith my hea)+ An) they’re *rong, I *as a ha$$y chil)+ My $arents loe) me+ Es$ecially  my mum+ An) my gran)$arents loe) me too+ At Christmas, they gae me *on)erful gifts+ Mummy’s $arents gae me "igger gifts than my )a))y’s $arents+ An) I’) say, )a))y, *hy )o Mummy’s )a) an) mom gie me "igger gifts1 An) )a))y *oul) *oul) get angry an) mae Mummy slee$ in the garage an) then he’) go an) get his rifle an) ill s5uirrels an) I *oul) hi)e in the )oghouse  *ith uff until the $olice came+ (%"rns to eit. 7a#ric $alls again eposing part o$ !is #are #"ttocks
(%R&R eits. Lig!ts o"t. %ime  passes. Lig!ts "p. SL-N ' *LAR)SSA are #"sy $itting URSULA $or a cost"me. %!ey stan $acing eac! ot!er wit! URSULA  #etween t!em. 7a#ric !angs loosely $rom  !er as t!ey $ile wit! neeles, pins, scissors an t!rea C/AI##A. (%o URSULA in a commaning voice - - #o the ey, you see, to Gictorian style is the corset+ The corset corset is the sine sine 5ua non of the Gictorian era+ #/A.
(2& #
#
(SL-N to"c!es URSULA1s #"ttocks #/A.
#ome"o)y *ith

C/AI##A. ea)1 8ou1 8ou’re oing, of course+ 8ou rea) nothing "ut (%ig!tens grip on URSULA1s arm, !ols stick pin in $ree !an comic "oos an) noels "y Anonymous+ #/A. ey, o***6 (%o SL-N #he sta""e) me6 #tan) still, $lease+ <:::6

C/AI##A. #/A.

(Jerks !er arm away $rom *LAR)SSA. -oves #e!in SL-N an "ses !im as a s!iel. As t!e $a#ric covering !er #oy  starts $all away, s!e "ses !er !ans to !ol it "p #he’s cra!y+ #he’s trying to ill me6 Mae that "itch sto$+

(30 C/AI##A. (%ries to get #y SL-N, #ranis!es a  pair o$ scissors
/a)ies6

#
(URSULA p"s!es SL-N into *LAR)SSA an  t"rns an r"ns $or t!e oor. *LAR)SSA "cks past SL-N an c!ases !er. URSULA trips on t!e loose $a#ric an $alls net to t!e stage prop wall isplay. *LAR)SSA gra#s a pistol prop $rom t!e isplay, $ires several lo" #lanks at t!e ceiling an points it at URSULA. URSULA looks own an sees t!at a secon pistol prop !as $allen on t!e $loor near !er !an. S!e looks at t!e  pistol prop an t!en "p at *LAR)SSA, t!en again at t!e pistol prop. S!e reac!es !er !an o"t to it. *LAR)SSA cocks !er pistol prop. Urs"la stops C/AI##A. I no* *hat youre thining+ 8oure thining, )i) she fire si shots or fie1 (URSULA gasps No*, to "e $erfectly can)i), I myself hae no clear recollection )ue to the caco$honous nature of the $rocee)ings+ o*eer, o*ing to the fact this is a + Magnum, a *ea$on *hich has the ca$a"ility of )eca$itation in a nanosecon), it "ehooes one to 5uery oneself thusly. )o I feel lucy1 :ell, )o you1 #/A. Cra!y6 #hes loony6 Call the co$s+ Call the shrins+ C/AI##A. 9on’t eer call me cra!y6 I am not insane6 (Aims t!e pistol prop at URSULA;S !ea :ell, go ahea), girl+ Mae my )ay+ #
(3( #/A.

:hat1 7o+ 7et out of here6

#
(URSULA gets "p, trips over t!e loose $a#ic, $inally makes it to t!e eit, eits #
Marelous i)ea,

C/AI##A. It taes t*o to mae a truce+ alf the cre)it goes to you+ #
C/AI##A. Comes "ut once a year+

Than 7o) for that6

#
(3lacko"t The En)

(32

A 9<7’# CI#TMA# Cast of Characters AliFemale, Mongrel, street-say ArtieMale, Bug, fiesty, lea)s *ith his mouth 4ricMale, Aita, tough guy "ut not a lea)er CyrilMale, ussian :olfhoun), a )reamer, an artist #yno$sis It’s Christmas an) four )ogs in a $oun) contem$late life, )eath, ha$$iness an) the hereafter+ Technical e5uirements A ta"le, four chairs, a )ec of car)s+

A Cog;s *!ristmas  receie) a $ro)uction at the Chance

Theatre in
(33

(*!ristmas ve. Animal S!elter. */R)L sits waiting, a #owl o$ og #isc"its on ta#le. ac! #isc"it is tie wit! a *!ristmas ri##on. A eck o$ cars. 2e s!"$$les cars. 2e !"ms Jingle 3ells.6  nter AL), AR%) ' 3R)*H :elcome6

:elcome6


C8I/. ATIE. A/I. That is so s*eet of you+

4ICD. 8ou )i)n’t hae to+

(%!ey get seate. %!ey m"nc! on t!e $are ATIE. (-o"t! $"ll o$ #isc"it :hat’s the )eal *ith the ri""ons1 It’s Christmas+ 8eah, so1

C8I/. ATIE.

C8I/. aen’t you notice) ho* eeryone’s gone1 That’s right+

4ICD. They all se)a))le) ust after lunch+

A/I. No* that I thin on it, the only one left out there is Eelyn+ Not that loser6 Artie+

ATIE.

A/I. #he’s ery nice+

(3 ATIE.

ight+

(Looks aro"n. R"#s !ans toget!er :e got the $lace to ourseles+ (AR%) picks "p cars an s!"$$les 9a all hear a"out 4ecy1 #o+

4ICD.

8eah+

ATIE. It ust sucs6

It sucs6

:hat a"out 4ecy1 I tell ya+ ight+

A/I.

ATIE. Chics get all the "reas+

A/I. :e get all the "reas+

It sucs6

#o *hat a"out 4ecy1

ATIE. I mean, it ust sucs6

I’ll gie you sucs+

A/I. Try nursing seen $u$s+

C8I/. :hat’s all this a"out 4ecy1 A/I. It’s nothing, Cyr+ =ust some ty$e-A males enting a"out you no* *hat+ ey, shut u$6
ATIE. A/I.

ATIE. Tell ya, you can’t *in+ The fi is on+ 7ame oer, man+ A/I. Can *e moe on an) ust cut the car)s1 Cut, Cyr+ Cut6

ATIE.

(Long silence. *yril;s !aving a wol$!o"n moment, !is min o$$ in space

(3;

h Cyr+ :hat1

4ICD. Artie *ants you shoul) cut the car)s+


8es+

C8I/. #orry, Artie+

7ee!, Cyril+ I really am sorry+

ATIE. C8I/.

ATIE. :illya ust hurry u$ an) cut1 (*yril c"ts. Artie gra#s eck, eals That *as a nice i)+ A real nice little i)+ :ith a $retty mom+ They "oth ha) real nice smiles+ I *oul))a "een so+ :ell+ :hat am I thining1

(%!ey play cars as t!ey talk C8I/.
ATIE. :ho )o you thin *e’re taling a"out1

A/I. Al*ays "laming the female+ Cherche! /a Femme+ 4ICD. #o the mom an) the i)+ 9i) they sto$ an) loo at you1 ATIE. They mae %em loo at eery"o)y+ :ell, *hat ha$$ene)1

4ICD.

ATIE. :hat ha$$ene)1 8ou *anna no* *hat ha$$ene)1 I’ll tell you *hat ha$$ene)6 They *ere $assing $assing my cage an) an) I *ent to my sit $osition ust lie I $ractice) a  million times+ 8ou no*, "utt )o*n, hea) u$, eyes alert+ I coul) tell the little "oy *as im$resse)+ I een tilte) my hea) to gie him a really intelligent smile+ An) then you no* *hat 4ecy )oes1 )oes1 #he *iggles *iggles her tush+ =um$s aroun) going ?8a$, ya$, ya$@ Crouches )o*n on all fours+ olls oer+ An) her tongue is goin’ a thousan) miles a minute+ 8ou can’t com$ete  *ith that6 I tell you+ Chics get all the "reas+

(3>

Artie+

4ICD. 9on’t get u$set+

A/I. It is is such a )ou"le )ou"le stan)ar)+ stan)ar)+ :e’re su$$ose) su$$ose) to "e attractie, "ut *hen a male *ants to strut his stuff,  *e’re su$$ose) to "e inisi"le+ :here’s the ustice1 ATIE. All I’m asing is a chance+ 4ICD. e’s not asing much, Ali+ =ust a chance+ ATIE. I *oul) "e the "est )og eer+ I no* I *oul)+ =ust gie me the chance+ Blease tae me home for Christmas+ Christmas+ I’m Artie+ Try me+ Blease+ ela, Artie+

4ICD. Tae it easy+

C8I/. It’s true+ 4eing the )og at someone’s house house is a  *on)erfully uni5ue e$erience+ It *as lie that for me  *hen I lie) *ith Miss osa+ :hat a *on)erful *oman+ ATIE. 8ou see1 8ou see1 Een Cyril ha) a shot+ :hat is  *rong *ith me1 :hat is *rong *ith this $icture1 C8I/. 9i) I say something *rong1 Na*+

Artie’s a $ug+

A/I. Bugs al*ays *hine+

4ICD. (Stage w!isper to */R)L ' AL) /isten6 :ill you t*o cut it out61 Artie’s got fie )ays+ If he )oesn’t fin) a home, they’re gonna - (R"ns $inger across t!roat in a slas!ing  motion. AL) ' */R)L #link, gasp #o "e nice to him+ The ey is, )on’t u$set him+

(Silence. ey, Cyril6

%!ey play cars. ATIE.

%!en

(3

C8I/. (-aking t!e e$$ort to so"n especially nice. AL) $las!es a #ig smile 8es, Artie+ =ust for the recor)+ Artie+

ATIE. o* )a hoo u$ *ith Miss osa1

4ICD. :oul) you $lease ust rela1

I am relae)+

ATIE.

4ICD. I )on’t *ant you getting u$set+ ATIE. :hat are you taling a"out1 Im relae)6 Gery relae)6 Etremely relae)6 I’m ust trying to un)erstan) some stuff,
4ICD. I no* *hen you’re - ATIE. 4ICD.

ATIE. ey6 9on’t try an) $sychoanaly!e me,
Cyril,

4ICD. 9on’t tell him, Cyril+ It’ll u$set him+ C’mon Cyr+

ATIE. Tal to your "u))y Artie+

A/I. ey6 I thought this *as gonna "e a frien)ly car) game+ Anyone *anna $lay car)s1

Cyril+

4ICD. (Browls t!reateningly

ATIE. No* 4ric, you’re starting to $iss me off+

(3

4ric+

C8I/. (Betting $l"stere an nervo"s :hat )o you *ant me to )o1

I gie u$6  *ant+

4ICD. =ust go ahea) an) )o *hat you )amn *ell

A/I. 9on’t you ust loe ho* )ecisie )ecisie males are1 on, so tae charge1

#o han)s han)s

ATIE. 8eah, *hy )oncha "utt out, 4ric1
4ICD.

ATIE. 8eah, ust scre* it, eroff+ ight+

#cre* it+

4ICD.

C8I/. 4ric+ I’m really )on’t *ant you to "e ma) at me+ )i)n’t mean - 4ICD.

It’s
C8I/. 4ICD.

A/I. 9i)nta hear him say it *as
I

h, Artie+

It’s
#heesh6

C8I/. #o *hat eactly )i) you *ant to no*1

ATIE. I *anna *anna no* all the )etails+ )etails+ An) the )etails "ehin) the )etails+ /ie+ :here’) Miss osa fin) you1
C8I/. It *as *as more lie me fin)ing her+ ATIE.

(3& C8I/. To $ut it succinctly, I *ale) into her yar)+ :ale) in1

ATIE. :ale) in from *here1

4ICD. is o*ners )um$e) him out in the stics+ 8es+ #a) to say+ )ay they )i)n’t+

C8I/.
The net

ATIE. :ait a minute+ Are you taling a"out Miss osa1 thought you sai) - No+

Artie+

4ric+

I

4ICD. This *as "efore Miss osa+

A/I. ()nicates */R)L It’s Cyril’s story+

:ell scre* it+ ust shut u$+

<ay1

4ICD. Eery"o)y’s )um$in’ on me+

7uess I’ll

ATIE. 7oo) $lan, )oofus "rain+ C8I/. It *as a young cou$le+ No chil)ren+ 9ual income, no i)s+ 9INDs+ An) they *ere a*ay all )ay+ They left you alone1

ATIE.

C8I/. They’) come "ac at night+ They fought all all the time an) the *oman *oul) )rin an) ic me+ 8ou shoul))a "it her6

ATIE.

C8I/. That’s not my style+ /ong story short, Christmas 9ay they *ere "oth home+ They $ut me in the car an) *e *ent for a ri)e out on the country roa)s an) - 4ICD. An) they thre* him out of the car+

(0

A/I.

(S!ivers That ha$$ene) to me, too+

C8I/. 4ric, it *asn’t eactly lie that6 4ICD. All right, not eactly+ They )i)n’t thro* him out+ They $ushe) him out+ Then they )roe off+ ATIE. They )i) this on Christmas 9ay1 C8I/. t! ight after -iracle on 9I  Street+ A/I. My o*ners )i) it to me on /a"or 9ay+ The maggots6

I *as $regnant+

ATIE.

C8I/. I starte) *aling+ I came to a house+ There *ere chicens in the yar) an) t*o sinny cats *ho hisse) at  me an) a "ig tom turey an) there *as Miss osa tossing see)s+ An) she turne) to me an) she sai), ?Merry Christmas, "ig fella+ 8ou loo hungry+@ A*right6

ATIE.

C8I/. I *asn’t hungry "ut I no))e) an) o$ene) my mouth+ #he  *ent insi)e an) came "ac out *ith the "iggest sou$ "one I eer sa* in my life+
ATIE.

C8I/. #he neer curse) me+ #he neer ice) me+ #he neer scol)e) me+ #he al*ays sai), ?7oo) "oy+ 7oo) )og+@ A/I. My female intuition is icing in+ (%akes a !anky, a#s !er eyes I no* this is gonna hae a sa) en)ing+ ey6

ATIE. 8ou *anna $ut a soc in it1

#o *hat ha$$ene)1

(( C8I/.
(So##ing That is so sa)+

4ICD. A/I.

C8I/.
(So##ing That is so sa)+

ATIE. A/I.

C8I/. #he *as a saint+ I loe) her+ (%ears well "p #he *as a saint+ (Long re$lective silence. to <"ietly so# Cyr1 8es, Artie+

ATIE. C8I/.

ATIE. A goo) *oman lie Miss osa+ cats+ 7oo) to "ir)s+ Freaing "ir)s6

AL) contin"es

7oo) to )ogs+

7oo) to

4ICD.

ATIE. 9o you thin she’s you no*+

#ome*here1


C8I/. Artie+ I hae no )ou"t she’s u$ there looing )o*n on us right no*+

(2 ATIE.

eally1

C8I/. I "eliee a irtuous life is re*ar)e)+ :o*+ #o+ in this1

#o+

ATIE. Are you inclu)ing uh+

8ou no*+

9ogs

C8I/. There are irtuous )ogs+ =ust lie there are irtuous humans+ An) irtuous co*s+ Freaing co*s6 Cyril+ 8es, Artie+ 9o you thin1

4ICD. ATIE. C8I/. ATIE.

C8I/. 8ou’re a goo) )og, Artie+ 8ou’re a shoo-in+ The En)

(3

/EAGIN7 TE /I7T
(

()nsie room in -otel . So"n o$ $ootsteps, so"n o$ man walking wit! limp, so"n o$ key in oor. Coor opens. 7orty=somet!ing #lack -AN p"s!ing #aggage cart wit! carryon ' s"itcase. -AN !as at!letic #"il, long legs, long arms. A noticea#le pa"nc! in !is misection. 2e keeps rig!t leg sti$$ as !e walks. 2e takes #ags $rom cart, sets t!em on #e. %!e carryon !e !anles easily eno"g!, #"t t!e s"itcase is !eavy, ca"sing iscom$ort as !e tries keeping press"re o$$ knee w!ile li$ting it. 2e p"s!es empty cart o"tsie ' closes oor. 2e ret"rns to s"itcase, opens it, takes item $rom eep wit!in, one t!at !as #een care$"lly packe. 2e removes t!e t!ick clot! wrappe aro"n it, revealing a $rame pict"re o$ t!e $ace o$ a yo"ng w!ite woman. %!e pict"re appears to #e c"t $rom a newspaper article. 2e scans wall, seeking spot to !ang it. 7inally !e removes $rame )n *ase $ 7ire6 notice $rom #e!in oor an !angs it t!ere. 2e steps #ack, stans silently, letting anger #"il wit!in !im MAN. (%o t!e pict"re, as !e "npacks Motel >+ A"out as far )o*n the foo) chain as you can get *ithout slee$ing on the si)e*al+ #till, got its "right s$ots+ :hat )o they say1 :e leae the light on+ Motel >+ Nothing fancy+ 4asic lo)ging+ #oli) comfort+ A goo) night’s slee$+ An) that’s *hat I nee)  more of these )ays+ I use) to not slee$ *ell+ I use) to stay u$ till all hours, )reaming u$ *ays of )oing you in+
(;

(2e trails o$$. 2e sits. 2e switc!es on raio, searc!es $or a #l"es station, $ins it, t"nes it in, t"rns it own low. 2e relaes, r"##ing !is knee. A so$t knock 8es1

MAN.

:’s+

(2e steps asie, lets E-AN enter. S!e1s w!ite, $orty=somet!ing, one !"nre $i$ty  po"ns. %!ere1s a !int in t!e way s!e moves t!at s!e1s !oling on to a past in w!ic! s!e was t!e center o$ attention. S!e wears not a !o"secleaning o"t$it, #"t a $ront esk "ni$orm, matc!ing tro"sers an #laer :
(>

MAN. (2is $inger s!aking, s!aking, pointing pointing to pict"re pict"re ' to to !er $ace an #ack to t!e pict"re. 2e leans $orwar in c!air :ait6 :hy6 :hy that6 That+ That’s you+ 8ou6
No6

:
No6

4ullshit6

MAN. Thin I *oul)n’t no*1

Sees pict"re.

That’s you6

(2e springs o"t o$ c!air, l"nges at !er


:
(2e lans #aly on !is weak leg an goes own in a !eap at !er $eet MAN. ()n real pain


7o)6

:
MAN. (Lying on !is sie. Looking "p at !er
(3lacko"t. Lig!ts "p. Same room. Net ay. -AN lies on #e, !is knee #anage an  proppe "p on a pillow. E-AN enters, stans at $oot o$ #e. S!e1s in !er $ront esk "ni$orm again :
(2e glares at !er, a glare o$ w!ite !ot !atre. 2e says not!ing

(

:
I s*ear+

(2e contin"es glaring at !er :
(2e contin"es glaring at !er :
:
MAN. Manager1 8ou1 :ho’) "e cra!y enough to mae you  manager of anything1 :
:
(

:
(E-AN starts to take t!e pict"re

own

MAN. :hat the hell )o you thin you’re )oing1 I’m taing this )o*n+ That’s my $ro$erty+

:
: 4oar) of 9irectors can "e )is$laye) on the *all+ e5uest )enie)+ That’s "ullshit+

MAN.

:
I’m the

MAN.

:
(& :
(3lacko"t, lig!ts "p, same room, several ays later. )t is ?0pm. 2e lies on t!e #e in at!letic s!orts ' top, !is #ack proppe "p against !ea#oar, a pillow t"cke "ner rig!t knee. A cane net to #e. S!e sits in c!air, $acing #e. S!e1s resse in !er "ni$orm, !er #laer !"ng over t!e #ack o$ t!e c!air. A sprea=o"t newspaper covers #e area #etween t!em. An open #ottle o$ #eer on nig!tstan. n top o$ sprea=o"t newspaper, a #"cket o$ c!icken an sie is!es, w!ic! t!ey  are evo"ring MAN. Aren’t you going to eat some chicen1 I’ll hae some later+

:
MAN. Those $arfaits are fattening+ :
MAN. =ust eat the meat+

:
MAN. Chicen is goo) for you+ A lot "etter than $arfaits+ :
(;0 :
#orry+ 8ou "roe the rule+

MAN.

:
:e’re going to

:
7oo)+

MAN. Ta*anna an) Melin)a+ emem"er those names+ going to hear them a lot+ Ta*anna an) Melin)a+ Ta*anna an) Melin)a+

8ou’re

:
:
(S!e catc!es !ersel$ :hat+

=ust a *hat1

Neer min)+

MAN. :
MAN. Een if it’s ust *omen’s "aset"all1

(;(

I+

I’m sorry+

:
MAN. 9oesn’t matter+ I )on’t listen to your $ut)o*ns+ (Long silence, %!en Can you get me a "eer1 (S!e silently goes to t!e !al$=$rige, $etc!es !im a #eer I’m on the air *ith the /unatic Fringe tomorro*+ :
:
:atch out for

MAN.

:hy1

:
:
:hat )o you *eigh no*1

MAN. un)re) sity-fie1

:
MAN. I hit a ra* nere+

(;2

:
#o1

MAN. #o *ith four $arfaits an) 7o) no*s *hat else un)er your "elt, you can $ro"a"ly a)) - :
MAN. :
My goal1 8eah+

Blares

8our goal+

MAN.

:
:
MAN. 8eah, that’s *hat I ust sai)+ :
/ie you’re )ou"ting me+ me+

MAN.

:
Case close)6

(;3 MAN. /isten to a $ro e$lain it, oay1 The "o)y fluctuates ten $oun)s either *ay+ 9e$en)s on ho* an) *hen you eat+ 9on’t eat for t*o )ays, lose ten+ #tart eating, gain it right "ac+ Eat etra meals+ 7o ten oer+ A hun)re) thirty-fie is no goal+ 8ou nee) to hae a real goal+ /ie *hat1 /ie one hun)re) ten+ Are you cra!y1

:
MAN.
:
:1 My "oss *oul) lie that+ No $ro"lem+

MAN.

(3lacko"t. Lig!ts "p, same room, evening net ay. S!e lies on #e, !er #ack proppe against !ea#oar, reaing. S!e1s resse to go o"t. 7ootsteps in !allway. So"n o$ man walking wit! cane. So"n o$ key in oor. -AN  enters in slacks ' polo s!irt. 2e walks wit! a cane. n esk, a covere plate o$ $oo, an "nopene #eer. 2e stans #e!in c!air, takes cover o$$ plate MAN. :ell, loo at this+ Turey "reast+ :il) rice+ #teame) carrots+ 7ar)en sala)+ Cantalou$e+ An) a "ottle of Coors+ All *aiting for me+ #ure loos goo)+ (2e sits, gets reay to eat 9o you *ant me to sae some for you1

(;

:
I ate+

MAN. I’m going to )ig in, then+ :
ae at it+

MAN. Turey’s nice an) ten)er+ Thans+ :
No $ro"lem+

(2e contin"es eating. S!e sets paper own, stans, smoot!s t!e $ront o$ !er skirt MAN. (Looks "p $rom plate, sees !er in mirror 8ou loo nice+ :
Thans+

MAN.

#$ecial occasion1

:
9ate+
#$ecial guy1

=ust a guy+

MAN.

:
MAN. I lie a goo) "lues guitar+ :
MAN.

(S!e pa"ses at oor to c!eck !er #lo"se

(;;

MAN. (Not looking "p I’m sorry+ :
:
:
MAN. :hat coul) I )o1 :e *ere lie on the air+ I *ante) to ill them+ I *ante) to strangle them "oth+ :+ (3ack to !er voice #ee ho* I cleerly inserte) a $lug for Motel >1 (3ack to mimicking !im That’s right+ :here they al*ays leae a light on+ :hy )on’t *e all go there an) chec her $anties for stains1 MAN. I *oul)n’t *oul)n’t )o that+ I ha) to let them rae on+ They’re $romoting the /a)y 4isons+ 4ut I *ante) to ill them+ :
(;> 9on’t "lame yourself+

:
MAN. Can you "eliee it1 T*enty years+ They )rag it u$+ An) $eo$le actually remem"ere)+ They ha) a call-in segment.  *here *ere you *hen1 Beo$le *ere actually calling in+ I no*+

I hear)+

:
E. T*enty years+ 9on’t $eo$le hae anything else to )o1 Can’t they ust let a thing )ie1 Beo$le are assholes+

:
(Long silence.

%!en

MAN. :hy )i) you hae to come on to me1 :
MAN.

:
(; Ecuse me+

:
(S!e eits, slamming oor. 2e sits, stares in mirror, covers !is $ace, so#s. 3lacko"t. Lig!ts "p, a mont! later. ?0 pm 7riay nig!t. Same room. 2e sits, sl"mpe in c!air. 2e looks weary. 2e wears s"it ' #ow  tie. %!e #ow tie, partially "ntie, !angs $rom !is collar, its color lo", garis!. S!e enters in !er -anager "ni$orm :
I’m sorry+

MAN. The lucy "o* tie *asn’t lucy+ Not to)ay it *asn’t+

:
MAN. Een *hen I *as *ith Cleelan) an) the Dnics, I got my  *ins+ Neer ha) nine straight losses in my life+ :
:
:
MAN.

(;

Neer say )ie+

:
(Long silence.

%!en

MAN.
a) your name on it+

:
MAN. 8ou score) higher higher in $eriness+

(S!e moves #e!in !im. tie #ack on

8ou ha) ha) a nicer tush+ tush+

3egins tying !is #ow 

:
MAN.

:
It

MAN.

:
MAN.

(;&

:

:
8es1 That "lues clu"+

MAN. The one you *ent to1 :
8es1

MAN.

:as it goo)1 It *as ecellent+

=ust a

:
MAN. :ell uh+ :oul) you min) if I go *ith you sometime1 8ou no*, lie+ (Sly grin For ol) times sae1 :
MAN.

:
8ou *ere al*ays

(>0

#
Cast of Characters ManMale, in his ;0’s :omanFemale, in her 0’s 7irlFemale, in her late teens #yno$sis The family mem"ers of an im$risone) )issi)ent $oet try to surie as a goernment official en)eaors to "rea their *ill+

(>(

(At rise: rawing room in a !ome. A oor to o"tsie. A c!air, some c"s!ions, a so$a, a co$$ee ta#le, a !"tc!. An epensive=looking mirror on t!e wall. -AN sits on so$a, elegantly resse, a c"p o$ tea in $ront o$ !im. E-AN, resse in ra#  clot!es, pas a#o"t t!e room, straig!tening t!ings. S!e oes so o"t o$ !a#it. 2e glances at !is watc!. 2e1s still in !is coat an !at, !is attac!e case net to !im MAN. No* $lease+ 9on’t min) me+ I’ll sit here 5uietly an)  *e’ll *ait until your young man gets home+ In the  meantime, you ust go on a"out your "usiness+ :
8es, sir+

MAN. (pens attac!e case, #egins arranging  papers. 2e goes on speaking as !e arranges. S!e contin"es straig!tening t!ings I must comment on ho* neatly you’e manage) to ee$ the home+ Eerything still in its $ro$er $lace+ Eerything so clean an) or)erly+ Eerything so s$ic an) s$an+ 8our hus"an) *oul) "e $lease) if he - (Stops !imsel$. 2e sips $rom t!e c"p o$ tea $or t!e $irst time
:
MAN. I must confess, my missus is not much of a tea "re*er+ er strengths seem to "e in other areas+ Men)ing shirts, ee$ing the house shi$sha$e, min)ing the chil)ren+ A goo) cu$ of tea is sim$ly not her forte+ I ee$ saying to her, it shoul)n’t "e that har)+ 4ut she )oesn’t im$roe+ er tea remains "lan)+

(S!e takes a small tin $rom t!e !"tc!, !ans it to !im. 2e takes it MAN. :hat’s this1 (Reas la#el on tin ?Ten Thousan) Miles #cente) Tea+@ (Looks "p Is this from China1

ello+

I )on’t no*+

:
(>2

MAN. (Looking closely at t!e tin I ase) "ecause there’s an image on here of an Asiatic  *oman in a re) go*n+ :ith some eotic scri$t "elo* the $icture+ It a$$ears to "e in Chinese+ I’m sorry+

:
MAN. (Sets t!e tin on t!e co$$ee ta#le. %akes anot!er sip :ell+ :hereer it comes from, it’s )elicious tea+ it must hae cost a $retty $enny+ 7o ahea)+

An)

:
MAN.
:
:ith my

MAN. I *oul)n’t )ream of it+ It’s much too aing come all all the *ay f from rom China+

:
I must1 8es, I insist+

:
MAN. :ell, if you insist, then I must+ you+ It’s most generous of you+ It’s my $leasure+

Than you+

Than

:
(-AN p"ts tin in attac!e case. So"n o$ $ootsteps o"tsie. E-AN appears nervo"s MAN. Ah, that must "e your son coming+

(>3 No, it’s my )aughter+

:
MAN.
Nii+ 8es+

8es, Nii+

MAN.

(B)RL enters. S!e sees -AN. S!e $reees $or  an instant. A $las! o$ recognition crosses !er $ace. %!en s!e removes an !angs !er coat. S!e crosses to w!ere E-AN stans, kisses !er c!eek, all t!e w!ile a sielong glance at !im 7I/.

Mama+

:
8ou

7I/. 7oo) afternoon, sir+

MAN. (2e smiles an nos ello, Nii+ I see you’e gro*n into 5uite 5uite a little  *oman there+ #he’ll "e a fine catch for some lucy  man+

(B)RL #l"s!es 8es, sir+

7I/.

:
(> :
girl.

A s!arp look at

My son is har) at *or on our ta"le+ It is *hen he’ll *al through

MAN. 4ut he )oes return home eery night, )oesn’t he1 #ooner or later1 :
8es+

MAN. Gery *ell+ :e’ll *ait a "it longer+ I *ant the three of you hearing *hat I say as an organic unit listening  *ith one min) an) one *ill+ It’s no goo) for me to say it one time to you+ An) then say the same thing oer again to her+ An) then a thir) time to him+ It neer  *ors *hen *e try it that *ay+ The $arties en) u$ coming to three )ifferent conclusions+ There’s no soli)arity that *ay+ :
:
4ut *here is he1

7I/. :hen can *e go see him1

MAN. 9o you hear her1 That is eactly *hat I mean+ That is  *hat ha$$ens *hen the information isn’t hear) simultaneously "y all mem"ers of the family+ Beo$le lose their hea)s+ Beo$le get emotional+ Beo$le as all sorts of 5uestions+ 7I/. 4ut if Ba$a’s alie, as you claim - MAN. An) es$ecially *ith the man of the family not here+ #am’s siteen6

7I/. ar)ly a man6

(>;

Nii, hush, girl6

:
MAN. Neertheless, #am is the man of this family+ :ith your your hus"an) gone, #am is the glue hol)ing this family together+ #am is the one *ho ensures you )on’t lose your hea)s+ #am is the future of this family+ ()nicates B)RL An) you see *hat ha$$ens *hen ecita"le an) emotional  *omen $resume to tae control of serious matters1 7I/.

Not true+ 8ou see there1

MAN. :illful+ ea)strong, too+

:
7I/.

MAN. An) here *e hae his )aughter+ The same )isru$tie character+ The same hot tem$er+ The same com"atie nature+ I suggest suggest you tae measures to rein her in+ 7I/. Too late for that+ :hen I *as tiny, Ba$a’) sing to me+ e’) roc me in his arms an) he’) sing. 3e a winow in t!e wall 3e a lig!t t!at s!ines $or all

That staye) *ith me+ MAN. I suggest you unlearn it+

(>>

:
8es+

MAN.

Ecuse me, la)ies+

(-AN eits, taking !is attac!e case wit! !im. %!ey wait to !ear t!e E* oor swing open an close an lock #to$ saying ?*as+@

7I/. e’s not )ea)+

:
7I/. An) "e $rou)+

:
7I/.

:
I *on’t "e much use+

7I/. I can’t ty$e+

(> :

7I/. #o+ 8ou’e )eci)e) he’s )ea)+ That’s it, isn’t it1 I+

:e hae to lie+

:
7I/. #ome $etty little men, most of *hom aren’t *orthy to tie his shoelaces, loc him u$ "ecause they’re afrai) of his *or)s an) you’re going along *ith it+ :
7I/.

:
:
7I/.
:
7I/. There *as the $oem to the na$e of Tanya’s nec+ An) one to her earlo"es+ Another to her right ni$$le+ #to$ it6

:
7I/. An) one to her left ni$$le *hich ha) a slightly )ifferent sha$e+ An) a $oem to Tanya’s nael+ An) a $oem to her "ush+ An) so on+ 8ou *ere $rou), *eren’t you1 Brou) of the notoriety+ Brou) that your "o)y *as "eing cele"rate) in $oetry+ 4ut lie all *hores, *hen the money runs out, it’s on to the net $ort of call+

(> :
(So"n o$ E* oor swinging open an closing. -AN enters wit! attac!e case /a)ies+

MAN.

(Looks at !is watc!, $rowns 8our son is not "ac yet1 :
I *as *on)ering if

MAN.

:
MAN.

:
:
(>& MAN. /eae1 Then *hat ha$$ens to your father1 he get the strength to carry on1 e’) un)erstan)+

:here *oul)

7I/. e’) *ant us to "e - -

MAN. I isit him+ I’m the only one allo*e) to isit him+ I tell him that you, the three of you, are stan)ing firm+ :hen I say that, his face lights u$+ 7I/.

#to$6

MAN. If I *ere to tell him, you’e all left, I )on’t no*  *hat that *oul) )o to him+

(So#s
7I/.

%!en

:
MAN. There you go+ #ho* your su$$ort+ #ho* your soli)arity+ (Looks at !is watc!, $rowns :here is your son1 :

:
MAN. The ca$italists, as I sai), hae to "e careful not to offen) the $o*ers that "e+ They *oul) "e reluctant to offer her *or+ 4ut since Im a $o*er that "e, that $uts me in a )ifferent light+ light+ I nee) an u$stairs mai)+ A mai)16

Me1

7I/.

(0

MAN. My *ife nee)s a girl to min) the chil)ren, ee$ things in or)er+ #he’s out of the house a lot on her official )uties+ It *on’t $ay much, "ut it’s regular *or+ 7I/. I can’t "e a mai), Mama+ I ust can’t+ :
Than you+ 4y the *ay+

MAN. That mirror+ It *as a gift, *asn’t it1

:
It *as from #$ain

MAN. A *or) of a)ice+ #omeone may come "y an) say it "elongs to the $eo$le+ After all, your hus"an)’s $oems, as o"ectional as they are, still "elong to the $eo$le+ The same *ith gifts from other countries, sho*ing soli)arity *ith his $oetry+ They too "elong to the $eo$le+ #omeone may say that+ :hat shall I )o1

:
MAN. :e can ee$ it safe at my house+ =ust for the time "eing+ 8our )aughter can *atch after it )uring her roun)s+ I’ll sen) sen) a "oy "y later to collect collect it+

(2e eits. %!ey stare at t!e oor. 3lacko"t The En)

((

TE A/F-EATEN CI/I9<7 Character 4rea)o*n #hefemale, t*enty-something emale, t*enty-something #yno$sis Its Galentines 9ay an) a *oman on the re"oun) )eci)es to run off to a ca"in at the "each to get a*ay from  men+

Technical e5uirements Mattress, ta"le, 2 chairs, 2 matching eychains, 2 cell$hones, attache case, oernight "ag+

Note. 2al$=aten *!iliog   ha) $ro)uctions at the Chance  ha) Theatre in Anaheim, CA, an) at #tages in Fullerton, CA+

(2

(S2 enters ca#in Sets #ackpack on ta#le Sits at ta#le Bets com$orta#le #y stages 3egins writing letter  S"enly stops %!inks #etter o$ writing an  )nstea takes o"t !er cell p!one S!e ials an waits #E. ey6 a$$y Galentines )ay6 #’me 8eah s’me again eally really me again eally really really me an) guess *hat1 I ma)e it+ I’m here Ma)e it all the *ay I no* I no* *hat I sai) ey, I no* I remem"er I no*6 ey, I can change my min),
(3

#E(*ont.

ey6 alf eaten )oesnt count+ No, it )oesnt+ 9oes not+ 9oes not+ =aney =aney #to$ it =aney+ =aney+ The im$ortant thing is I )i)n’t turn aroun) An) )rie "ac An) cam$ out In your liing room  /ie a "ig frai)y cat I’m here I am really really here An) it’s really eally in) of I mean actually in) of not "a) I mean hey it’s Not Corona 9el Mar Not /a =olla+ Not Ne*$ort 4each
(

#E(*ont. =aney no /isten to me It’s oer :en)ell is oer+ :en)ell is oer, history :hat I nee) *hat I nee) *hat I nee) no* :hat I nee) right no* is a $lace *ith some s$ace For a soft lan)ing+ :hat I nee) is a *ee *ith no men No no no66 9on’t you )are tell :en)ell *here I am  If you )o, I’ll tell that $im$ly "oy at #tar"ucs 8ou *ant his "a"y+ I s*ear I *ill, =aney+ That’s "etter+ No* "e sure to than Matthe* for letting me stay here :hat1 Not Matthe*1 is name’s not Matthe*1 It’s 4rett1 Then *hy )o I ee$ calling him Matthe*1 I mean 4rett isn’t een close to Matthe*+ 4lon)e moment+ 9uh6 :hateer+ All I no* is I )on’t *ant to see Any Toms, 9ics, arrys, :en)ells, 4retts
4rett1

E. (Blares, takes o"t cellp!one an speeials =ust got here+ :hat the hell gies1

#E. =aney, he’s calling that 4rett guy+ :ho’s the chic1

E.

#E. I am trying to ignore him+ 4ut he’s lou)+ really lou)+
eally

E. :ha))aya mean, ?
(;
#E. I ust *ent from a chic to an ?oh her+@

E. 8ou "etter hae a game $lan, )u)e+
#E. No* they’re hu))ling+

E. Negatie+ #he can’t stay here+ No *ay+ I got the "ar eam on Thurs)ay+ I nee) a"solute 5uiet to stu)y+ #E. hhh =aney, )i) 4rett actually, lie, no* I *as coming1
#o tell me this+

hhhh+

E. :here’s she gonna slee$1

#E. :hat )o you mean, he uh in)a ne*1

E. No *ay+ I’m not res$onsi"le+ $regnant1

:hat if she gets

#E. (2ols "p key #o you’re saying this is #heryl’s ey1 E. :hat if she has a )isease1 #E. hhh, =aney, ust *ho eactly is #heryl1 9o you hae insurance1 #heryl’s his e1

E.

#E. #heryl is 4rett’s e1

E. All I no* is, it’s your ass if - #E. 9o I no* this #heryl1 9i) I eer meet her1 E. (3ranis!es a signe contract 9i) she sign a contract1

(>

Monica no*s #heryl111

#E.

E. (3ranis!es a eposit receipt 9i) she $ay a )e$osit1 9oes she hae a )e$osit recei$t1 #E.

:ho is Monica1

E. Its an o$en-an)-shut case+ #he has no legal stan)ing+ #E. Monica’s in your Internet chat grou$11 E. #he’s a )amn tres$asser+ #E. Monica’s in your cy"er chat grou$111 E. Moe her ass out of here+ A cy"er chat grou$111 No6

No *ay, man+

#E.

E. Its not my o"+

8ou eict her+

#E. =aney, )o you, lie, actually no* these $eo$le1 I no* my rights+ 8ou in)a no* them+ I no* the la*, )u)e+

E. #E. E.

#E. An) you in)a )on’t no* them+ E. :hen I finish *ith you, you’ll "e eating )og foo) till the )ay you )ie+

( #E. =aney s*eetie+ el$ me on this+ hae 4rett’s $hone num"er+

9o you "y any chance

E. I’m not telling her anything+

Negatie+

#E. (Erites n"m#er on paper Thans, =aney+ An) tell #heryl, Monica an) the other cy"erchatters hi+ E. :hat if shes a nutcase1 :hat if shes a terrorist1 terrorist1 #E.

(2angs "p This is getting really really insane+ Negatie, man+

4rett+

E. #he can’t use my $hone+

#E. (Cials 3rett1s p!one n"m#er 4rett+ 4rett+ ing+ ing+ ing+

E. No"o)y "reathes on my $hone+ :hat if she has a irus1 I hae a (0D Tea Barty :alathon on Fri)ay+ #E. inging+ inging+ Blease hol)+ im$ortant+ 8a))a ya))a ya))a+

8our call is ery

E. I )on’t care ho* you )o it+ =ust han)le it+ :hat1 8ou hae another call1 ol)1 8eah *hateer, I’ll hol)+

(2e contin"es to !ol p!one to ear ello1

ello1


#E. Is this 4rett1

T*o chairs+

Mister 4rett 8ammer1

E. n-freaing-"eliea"le+

#E. Mister 8ammer1 4rett1 This is Alison+ Alison Cri""s+ 8eah6 The girl at the "each house1 8eah, that’s me+ E. Not een a "e)+ =ust a mattress on the floor+ freaing-"eliea"le+

n-

( #E.
8a))a

#E.
(S!e contin"es to !ol t!e p!one to ear E. #o is she leaing1 :ha))aya mean, hol) your horses1 :hat1 8ou *ant to no* *hat she loos lie16 :ell, let’s see+ ol) it6 :ha))aya *anna no* that for1 <+ <+ =ust hang on+ #he’s ummm hmmmm not "a) looing+ mmm+ Din) of "lon)e+ A little on the heay si)e may"e+ #E. 7ee!, starting to soun) lie a meat maret in here+ E. 4ut I guess I *oul)n’t ic her out of "e)+ #E. Than 7o) for small "lessings+ ol)1

8eah go ahea)+

E. :hat the hell+

#E. Blease continue to hol)+ 8our call is+ ello1 4rett1
(& #E(*ont. han)s on tae charge soun)ing+ 8es+ For sure+ I )o thin you soun) that *ay+ I really really )o+ #ay, )o you lie chili )ogs1 8ou )o1 :ell, I no* this really really neat neat little $lace+ 9o you you lie close "y, "y any chance1 eally1 Thats actually so conenient+ E. Blease continue to hol)+ 8our call is ya))a freaing ya))a+ #E. (4acks !er gear at a panic pace 4rett+ 9o you no* the Tra)er Tra)er =oes stri$ mall on Moulton Bar*ay1
(S!e eits The En)

(0

TE 4<448 M










4o""ys mother is )ecease), along *ith a younger "rother an) sister+ Car crash in the )esert+ 4o""ys father lies Rsome*here in California+R They )ont tal+ 4o""y has a great sense of humor, terrifically shar$ an) engaging $ersonality, "ut its all Rsmoe O mirrorsR 4o""y lies history, a$$reciates the i)ea that *here *e come from  informs us of *ho *e are+ 4o""y ee$s a ournalQ the ournal is calle) R


4o""y lies to sit in coffee sho$s+



4o""y once smashe) all the mirrors in the house+





4o""y )eci)e) to return to school last year, to stu)y Rsomething he cares a"out this time+R e atten)s a state uniersity some*here in the Mi)*est+ 4o""y is a eteran of the Bersian 7ulf :ar in (&&(+ :as inure)  *hile statione statione) ) oerseas+ oerseas+ #ince #ince the inury, an) largely largely "ecause "ecause of 4o""ys attitu)e to*ar) it, 4o""y has "ecome a R5uiet o"serer,R choosing to remain on the su"ectie si)elines of life+



4o""y )reams of )ancing, of falling in loe, of "eing Rinclu)e)R



4o""y al*ays feels lie an outsi)er+



4o""y lies *hite *ine+



4o""y cannot stay in a relationshi$ ery long+

((

(Nig!t. 333/ enters. wit! a cane

2e walks

4<448. It *as right here+
(2 anyone+ Not #ean or #ara or 9a)+ Then, one )ay, she  *ent a*ay an) left me here all alone+ I *as *ith 9a) in California an) she *as )riing the car across country *ith #ean an) #ara to meet u$ *ith us+ #ome*here $ast /as Gegas she fell aslee$ an) *ent off the roa)+ I miss her a lot+
(3

#TAMAN L a gay monologue

#yno$sis A $o*erful man, *ho in life *as a $rominent $olitician an) an astronaut, is )ea)+ is gay son, long estrange), has come home to $ay his res$ects an) heal+ 4ase) on a true story+ Character 4rea)o*n 9AGI9early 0’s Technical e5uirements A coffin, su")ue) lighting

Starman has ha) $ro)uctions
(

(A viewing room at a $"neral !ome. An open co$$in, s"#"e lig!ting. nter CA&)C, age II. 2e approac!es co$$in wit! trepiation. 2e comes to at ease #y egrees. 7inally 9AGI9. :ell+ :ell *ell+ =ust loo at you+ All )ece) out in your astronaut’s gar"+ 9resse) to ill, aren’t you1 :as this ho* you $lanne) it1 To )o your eit as a starman1 It )oes "ecome you, you no*+ eally, it )oes+ #o tell me, are you "race) for tomorro*1 ae you )iale) in your hum"le mo)e1 8ou no* they’ll "e sen)ing you out as only the Air Force can+ Full  military honors+ A flyoer *ith the missing *ingman+ An) they’ll retell ho* one time you fle* so high, you t*eae) the chin*hisers of Keus himself+ An) they’ll retell ho* you throttle) that )emon out at mach seen+ 8es yes, I no* it’s all true, "ut remem"er, the or)er of the )ay is humility+ They’ll *ant to see your a* shucs si)e+ Not funny1 #orry+ I’m trying to "e cleer+ 7uess I’m not ery goo) at cleer+ #o+ ere *e are+ Finally+ An) I guess I shoul) "e ha$$y+ 4ut I’m not+ An) I guess I shoul) feel a sense of release+ 4ut I )on’t+ Min) you, I tae no $leasure in seeing you this *ay+ I feel no oy in *itnessing *itnessing your )e$arture from this leel of eistence+ It consumes a $art of me that *e neer *ere a"le to come to terms+ :e shoul) hae "een a"le to moe $ast the )ifferences+ :e shoul) hae hae "een a"le to to lie an) let let lie+ This I no*+ There’s no *inning an) there’s no losing in concerns concerns of family "loo)+ It matters not a  *hit *ho fire) the first shot+ No one remem"ers any*ay+ 4ut once once the nies are out, once there’s the the smell the "loo) in the air, it’s father against son, son against father, the ol) ing against his heir, an) har) *or)s all aroun)+ 8ou’re )amn right I "lame you+ 8ou no* ho* the me)ia loes a goo) fight+ An) you no* ho* easy it is to  mani$ulate them+ An) you no* ho* to craft a tight soun) "ite+ :hat *as you tol) them1 ?:e loe 9aey+ 4ut *e )on’t loe *hat he’s "ecome+@ :hy am I still 9aey1 I’m forty-four+ An) *ho is this ?*e@ $erson1 I ha) a )ream+ I *as four+ I mean, in the )ream I *as four+ I must hae "een siteen or seenteen *hen I *as haing the )ream+ I’m not eactly sure+ After all, this is from nearly thirty years years ago+ :e’re in a single-engine 4eech+ =ust you an) I+ :e tae off from  ammer Fiel) in Fresno an) *e’re some*here out oer the

(; Coast ange+ The engine starts icing in an) out+ The smell of "urning oil+ 8ou shout, ?I’m ?I’m taing her )o*n, 9aey+@ :e "rea through the clou) coer+ There *as "lac smoe in the coc$it+ 8ou $oint to a stream "elo*+ ?If I )on’t mae it, follo* the flo* of the stream+ 8ou hear me, 9aey1 Follo* the stream+@ I’m crying, ?<ay, 9a)+ I $romise+@ ?=ust leae me, 9aey+ If it’s my time, nothing you can )o+ If it’s not, they’ll sen) a search $arty+@ 8ou’re laughing+ I hear you muttering as you *or the controls, ?<ay Bete, let’s see *hat you got+@ I hate) that )ream+ 4urie) it )ee$+ My $sychiatrist sai) I *as re$ressing+ :ell, of course I *as+ It nee)e) re$ressing+ 9esere) re$ressing+ I )on’t nee) to "e remin)e) that my "eing close to you entails my "eing scorche) "y the rays of your sun+ An), in the en), aren’t *e all in or"it aroun) you1 Ece$t for those *ho fin) a *ay to "rea free of your graity+ Another )ream+ :e’re in a car+ 8ou an) I+ An) you’re )riing me to $rison+ It *asn’t clear *hy I *as going to $rison+ 4ut there I *as, sitting net to you on the $assenger si)e+ Neither of us s$eaing+ The roa) running across a flat featureless lan)sca$e+ :e sto$ at a railroa) trac to let a train $ass+ Then *e )rie on into the night+ My $sychiatrist *on)ere) if, *hile the car *as sto$$e), ha) I trie) to run a*ay, *oul) you hae trie) to sto$ me+ I tol) him no+ I sai) you  *oul) hae let me go+ I lie)+ Another lie+ =ose$h an) I liing our lies together inisi"ly+ =ust out of your reach+ =ust un)er your ra)ar+ o$ing some)ay you’) change+
(> a"out this+ It *as $u"lic+ It *as $olitical+ An) you inten)e) it to "e so+ The /am")a /am")a $eo$le $eo$le calle) me eery )ay+ Mae a statement, they sai)+ Mae a statement, 9ai)+ They calle) me 9ai)+ #omeone finally calle) me 9ai)+ I sai) of you, ?is is a "lin), uncaring, uninforme), nee-er reaction to a su"ect a"out *hich he no*s nothing an) *ants to no* nothing+@ 8ou )esere) that+ 4ecause you use) me+ Finally, in my min), I *ent "ac to the crash site+ The smashe) single-engine 4eech+ I sa* )rie) "loo) on the $ilot’s seat+ The $ilot-si)e )oor *as ice) o$en+ An) ten feet a*ay, I sa* an ol) *eathere) gloe on the groun)+ The gloe fit a man’s han)+ An) insi)e the coc$it, I sa* $arts of a little "oy’s seleton+ seleton+ #ome of the the "ones *ere missing+ ats an) coyotes, no )ou"t+ )ou"t+ It tol) tol) me *hat I alrea)y sus$ecte)+ 9aey )ie) in that crash+ An) there hasn’t "een a 9aey for a long, long time+ 4ut there’s a 9ai)+ oay+

An) he’s alie+

Fare*ell, #tarman+

7o)s$ee)+

(Sal"tes.

3lacko"t The En)

An) he’s )oing

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F
7ormerly entitle: 7rom Sl"t %o E!ore %o *rack!ea

Cast of Characters Manmale, ;0-ish, s$orts fan #yno$sis A mans loe-hate relationshi$ *ith the national $asstime+

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(-AN enters wearing Cogers cap. 2e !ols a #ase#all #at, takes a co"ple o$  practice swings. 2e smiles, satis$ie wit! !imsel$. %akes envelope $rom s!irt  pocket. Smiles at it. %!en !e looks "p  at t!e a"ience, s"enly realiing !e1s #eing watc!e MAN. #eason ticets+ 9o)ger #ta)ium+ #ection fifty+ "o+ =ust "eyon) thir) "ase+ Bretty goo) seat+

Fiel)

200>+ #ometime soon, this year, or net year, enry Aaron’s career home run recor) is gonna "e "roen+ 4arry 4on)s has ( home runs+ ammerin’ an’s recor) stan)s at ;;+ =ust )o the math+ Might ha$$en at 9o)ger #ta)ium+ ey, you neer no*+ an Aaron, in his $rime, stoo) eactly si foot tall,  *eighe) one hun)re) eighty $oun)s+ If you sa* him u$ close on the street, you’) say he looe) lie a ery fit aerage si!e human "eing, not lie one of these socalle) mo)ern $layers *ith a "utt out to here an) a chi$ on his shoul)er the si!e of a co* tur) an) forearms to mae Bo$eye loo lie a *uss+

(4"ts envelope in pocket. %akes a rig!t=!ane practice swing, emonstrating 2enry Aaron1s swing Mister Aaron’s s*ing matche) his tem$erament+ Elegant+ 9ignifie)+ :hen he smashe) a home run, *hich *as often, he )i) not stan) at the $late, lie 4arry 4on)s )oes, an) a)mire a)mire the "all in in its traectory+ an ran ran the "ases lie the rule "oo sai)+ Mister Aaron *as into the integrity integrity of the game+ game+ The one one thing he  *asn’t into *as himself+ #ome $eo$le thin "ase"all nee)s more an Aarons an) fe*er 4arry 4on)s+ I )isagree+ 4ase"all )oes not nee) an Aaarons )ignity+ Nor )oes it nee) his integrity+ 4ase"alls "een getting along fine *ithout either+ If you *anna no* the truth, no"o)y connecte) *ith "ase"all cares a"out )ignity or integrity anymore+ Time *as, though, *hen almost eeryone care)+ A $o$ular film ma)e ma)e this $oint+ Fiel) of 9reams *as the name of the film an) it came out in (&&, one year $rior to *hat I lie to call "ase"all’s #teroi) Era+ In the moie, =ames Earl =ones )eliers an im$assione) s$eech in *hich he says, regar)less of the times, you coul) al*ays count on "ase"all to "e a stan)ar) for )ecency, )ignity, ecellence an) )oing the right thing+ It *as a $o*erful moment+

(&

4ut thats all oer+ In the &0’s, "ase"all *ent from  *hore to $im$ to crachea) *ithout "atting an eye+ :hore, "ecause "ase"all ust stoo) there grinning *hile the o*ners an) $layers scre*e) us out of a :orl) #eries+ Bim$, "ecause "ase"all ust stoo) there grinning *hile the o*ners an) $layers cons$ire) to se u$ the game+ Crachea), "ecause "ase"all ust stoo) there grinning *hile the )ugouts mor$he) into )rug )ens+ 4arry 4on)s is gonna "rea Mister Aaron’s recor)+ 4ut lemme tell you this+ It *ont mean a )amn thing+ No one, ece$t the most out of touch fan, *ill tae that  man’s num"ers seriously+ Thans to steroi)s, eeryone’s gonna $ut a mental asteris "esi)e his mar+ An) it’s too )amn "a)+ 4ut that’s *hat you get *hen you’re so into yourself that you’re out of touch *ith the game an) the fans+ An) it’s not ust 4arry 4on)s+ Tae an)y =ohnson+ Fie Cy 8oung A*ar)s+ #igne) *ith the 8anees+ First thing he )oes in Ne* 8or1 oughs u$ a ne*s$a$er camera man+ 8ou’) thin he’) "e )elighte) to hae his $icture in the $a$er so his numerous fans coul) "ehol) the 4ig nit’s han)some isage+ 4ut no+ 8ou *ant more out of touch1 Three years ago, I *as at a Cactus /eague game in Ari!ona+ 9iamon)"acs an) the Angels+ After the game, a hun)re) or so i)s line) u$ at the the fence to get autogra$hs+ autogra$hs+ :hen *ho *ho comes *aling "y "ut Mister Multi-Millionaire 4ase"all #tar Curt #chilling+ 9oesnt een flash the i)s a smile+ =ust  *als on "y lie they )ont eist+ An) I’m thining, R8ou sorry $iece $iece of gar"age6 8ou an) 4arry an) an)y an)y an) all your fat "ooty-ass oer$ai) uice)-u$ com$a)res are eactly *hy no one cares anymore+ 8ou can all go to hell together in a *hirl$ool "ath full of $iss+R #ometime this year, or net year, enry Aaron’s career home run recor) is gonna "e "roen+ 4arry 4on)s has has ( home runs+ ammering an’s recor) stan)s at ;;+

(%akes a vicio"s swing, stans an amires an imaginary !ome r"n in its tra+ectory. Crops t!e #at I got season ticets+ #ection fifty+ Fiel) "o+ "eyon) thir) "ase+ ey, you neer no*+

(4ats !is s!irt pocket to make s"re !is season tickets in1t $all o"t, #egins to eit. 3lacko"t The En)

=ust

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e$ort From The Conention A Monologue Formerly entitle). e$ort From The e$u"lican National Conention Cast of Characters Manmale, semi-homeless #yno$sis A little-no*n fact a"out the 200 e$u"lican Conention hel) in Ne* 8or City+

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(3are stage. -AN approac!es microp!one MAN. <ay+ #o uh+ #o 4ush )eliere) his acce$tance s$eech an)----7o)6----it ust *ent on an) on+ I mean, it *as *as lie s$en)ing a *eeen) in Bhila)el$hia+
(&2 8or Bost refuse) refuse) to run it+ it+ #o any"o)y any"o)y feelin’ lucy to)ay, says 4o"1 Anyone *anna "e a hero1 No"o)y )i)+ #o he says to me *hattaya *ant in the s$eech, com$a)re1 All I coul) thin a"out *as free )onuts+ #o he tells the hea) s$eech )*ee" to $ut it in there an) *hile  *ere at it, he says, $ut in some $ussy for 4o" the 4lee)er+ e *as *as *aing that $almto$ aroun) aroun) so much he "ange) his han) on the *all an) cut himself again+ e e$t screaming a"out ho* they ha) fie secon)s to finish it or else+ #o then theres this lou) noc at the )oor an) someone’s shouting, *here the hell is the s$eech1 #o 4o" gra"s it an) $asses it out the )oor+ Then *e starte) *aling onto the conention floor+ 4o"  *as carrying this "o he lifte) from the s$eech room+ es telling eery"o)y *ere )eliering co$ies of 4ush’s s$eech to the )istinguishe) guests on stage+ #o they $ushe) us to*ar) the stage+ stage+ :hen *e *e got there, 4ushs han)lers say, *ho the hell are you guys1 4ut the cameras *ere a"out to roll, so they stuc us on fol)ing chairs at at the "ac of of the stage+ /ie can)y can)y from a "a"y, chucle) 4o" the 4lee)er+ An), if you listene) to the entire s$eech---fe* $eo$le )i)---you might hae hear) 7eorge :+ 4ush rea) R++++++an) *e nee) to a)ocate increase) fun)ing for yeast raise) $astries for our nation’s homeless mil) a$$lauseU an) more $ussy for 4o" the 4lee)er *il) a$$lauseU+R The net )ay, I get this isit from one of 4ushs $eo$le+ The $resi)ent ust *anting to $ass a message if he eer hears another *or) a"out )onuts or $ussy, my ass is grass+ #o, Im cooling cooling it, staying out of sight+ Bai) cash cash for my 7reyhoun) 7reyhoun) ticet ticet to the /eft /eft Coast+ 9on’t thin anyone *as tracing me+