Seven Intelligent Ways to Influence and Persuade

Seven Intelligent In telligent Ways W ays to Influence and Persuade V1.0 by Judy Rees of www.intelligentinfluence.com of www.intelligentinfluence.com

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Judy Rees 2010 www.intelligentin fluence.com

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Contents

What this report can do for you

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Chapter 1: Grasp The Nature of Influence

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Chapter 2: Use the easiest method to build rapport

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Chapter 3: Listen and win

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Chapter 4: Control the conversation with great questions

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Chapter 5: Use The Meta-Force Meta-Force!!

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Chapter 6: Control emotions with the Power Switch

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Chapter 7: What do people really want?

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What happens next?

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About Judy Rees

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What this report can do for you The fact you’re reading this means you probaby probaby want to become a more persuasive person. But how will that help you? Respondents in a recent survey said:

Whether you’d have given one of those answers, or something different, this report will help you become a more elegant, more effective influencer. It will help you to get your own way in a wide variety of different contexts. Whether you’re at work, at home, out socialising... wherever you interact with people, these skills will help you. Importantly, Importantly, they’ll also help the people you’re interacting with. And they’ll enhance your relationships with those people. You’ll You’ll discover their hidden depths, which makes conversation much more interesting, interesting, useful and fun. You You need never be bored or nervous at a social event again! Intelligent Influence is useful for people who sell, but it’s it’s not just for f or salespeople. It’s It’s useful for parents, but not just for parents. It’s It’s useful for managers and for their staff, for analysts and consultants of all kinds, for journalists, marketers, designers... and for many other people. Many of my examples will refer to sales - but I trust you will be able to easily translate these into your own contexts.

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Who is Intelligent Influence not suitable for?

I’m sure you’re already familiar with the concept of win-win outcomes. Well, win-win is at the heart of Intelligent Influence. And that means it’s it’s not for everyone. • If you are are determined determined to to force force your view on others others at at any cost, cost, then then Intelligent Intelligent Influence Influence is not for you. That’s That’s not influence - that’s that’s bullying. But if you have something of real value to offer to others (and I’m sure you do) then Intelligent I ntelligent Influence will help convince people to “buy” it from you. • If you are are a hit-and-r hit-and-run un salesman salesman with with no need need or desire desire for repeat repeat business business,, then Intelligent Influence is not for you - at least, not just yet. In the short term, you will find other, other, more suitable tools and techniques elsewhere. Perhaps you’ll y ou’ll choose to come back when the time comes for you to move up in the world, and to take a more senior role with a more mature approach to persuasion and influence. • If you want to to stick stick with the crowd, crowd, and and do what what you’ve you’ve always always done, done, then then Intellige Intelligent nt Influence is not for you. These are leading-edge techniques, drawing on some of the most exciting ideas from the science of the mind, which until now have been be en known to only a few scores of experts worldwide.

What’s in this report?

In this document you’ll discover the central principles and key skills of Intelligent Influence. You’ll You’ll find out specifically how you can use it to become a more persuasive person, to improve your relationships, and to get more of what you want in lif e. You’ll You’ll discover how simple effective persuasion can be... and you may kick yourself for missing certain information which has been “hidden in plan view” until now. I’ll share specific techniques and describe how you can use them in different contexts. And then it’s it’s over to you. I can get this material into your hands, but it’s it’s up to you to get it into your life. Use it! The sooner you do so, the more influential you’ll become and the greater the impact on the people around you.

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Chapter 1: Grasp The Nature of Influence

Once you understand the nature of influence, then becoming more influential - and reaping the benefits of that - becomes simple. And after reading this chapter, chapter, you’ll grasp some important aspects of that nature. First, though, let me tell you a story. story. A few years yea rs ago, when I left a secure job managing a large team of journalists and set out as a freelance, I was terrified of “selling”. I would break into a cold sweat at the thought of phoning a potential customer. customer. And as you can imagine, that didn’t help to build my business! I was working with some top-name NLP, NLP, hypnosis and persuasion experts to help them get their most powerful ideas down on paper (and on “virtual paper” in reports like this one). I had a strong grasp of their ideas and the way they wanted to present them, and was already an expert in interviewing and writing. I could talk to them easily about what they wanted... until a real possibility of paying work emerged. Then, the conversation became a “sale”, and a cacophony of warning bells and lights and buzzers went off in my mind, reducing me to a stammering wreck. I’d tell myself “I’m no good at selling,” and sure enough, my success was pretty limited. So I set out to learn all I could about sales and influence, in the hope of overcoming my problem. I read all the books and interviewed many leading experts, creating a series of magazine articles. And at the same time I was also becoming an expert in a coaching and therapy technique called Clean Language (of which more later). And gradually a realisation emerged. We’re always selling. We’re always influencing each other. We’re always persuading. As fellow Clean Language enthusiast Phil Swallow puts it, “The only way two people in the same place can avoid influencing each other is if both of them are dead.” From the time when you were a tiny baby ba by,, crying to influence your mother to pick you up, you’ve been trying to influence people. Have you been successful? Certainly, or you wouldn’t still be here. We have to influence people every day to survive in our connected world. The question is, could you be even more successful? I suspect so.

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Old and new models of influence

People used to believe that “selling” or “persuading” was something that one person did to another. another. It was as if people were like billiard balls - the persuader simply needed to take his shot in a particuar way, the balls would roll smoothly aross the baize, and he’d pocket a sale. The fast-talking salesman would have an armoury of linguistic tricks up his sleeve, which he’d use (right on cue!) to trap his prospect into parting with cash. “Buyers’ remorse” might follow, but he’d be long gone by then. In other words, the salesman believed: “I have power over you and can make you do what I want. Never mind what you want.” It was a Newtonian, mechanical view of the world. The Newtonian, mechanical view of the world is useful up to a point. It’s It’s very good at predicting the behaviour of billiard balls, for example. But as soon as life gets more complicated, at larger and smaller scales for example, the Newtonian rules of thumb are no longer enough to describe, or predict, what happens. And sales experts have discovered that similarly, similarly, the real world is more complex than the billiard table. The old tricks may be great for selling snake-oil from a market stall - but don’t help when it comes to a year-long year-long sales process for a massive new computer system. They may get the girl for a one-night stand, but they don’t lead to happy marriage. And so increasingly the leading experts (such as Robert Cialdini of “Influence” fame, Neil Rackham of SPIN Selling, James Borg in his bestseller “Persuasion”, or NLP and “ethical influence” trainer Jamie Smart) take a larger and more holistic view. Put at its most basic, their structure for effective persuasion is: 1. Find out what what the other person person wants 2. Demonstrate how you can fulfil this desire. Intelligent Influence is also based on this simple structure. But unlike many other systems, it keeps first things first. It provides answers to a key question: answers that are noticeably absent from most books and courses on sales, persuasion and influence.

What, specifically, specifically, should you do to find fi nd out what people actually want? And as a bonus, Intelligent Influence enables the process of “finding out” to power the whole sales or persuasion process - and ensure you get that win-win outcome easily. easily.

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Too simple? Let’s go deeper

A more sophisticated model of a sales or persuasion process process might look something like this: Find out what the other person wants

Demonstrate how you can fulfil this

Expert persuaders - and Intelligent Influencers - pay most attention to the first part of the process. They have taken on board important lessons from the modern science of mind, and understand key principles such as: • Emotio Emotion, n, not just just ration rational al though thought, t, drives drives buyin buying g behavio behaviour ur • People People buy buy from from famil familiar iar peop people le they they like like and and trust trust • People only only buy once once they really really feel feel the “pain” “pain” of their their current current situation situation - but but it’s it’s unpleasant, so they’d rather not go there! Most sales training courses, however, however, focus on the second part p art of the process, and particularly on presentation skills. These are important and valuable, certainly, certainly, in getting your ideas across, and they can give you (and the trainer) an air of glamour and glitz. What they won’t do, at least on their own, is get you the sale. For that, we need to get the horse and the cart in the correct order. order. We’re going to focus on questioning, listening and information-gathering skills... and then use these skills to discover secrets that will give your presentations a killer punch.

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Chapter 2: Use the easiest method to build rapport

For once, the experts all agree: building rapport and trust is normally the first step to persuading anyone of anything. In this chapter, chapter, you’ll learn a surprisingly simple technique to quickly build rapport on the phone, in email or in text messages, as well as in face-to-face conversations. Rapport - that sense of being on the same wavelength as another person - is vital to relationships. And effective relationships are vital to productive team working, as well as making working life more enjoyable. From the boardroom to the reception desk... consultants, contractors, offshore teams... salesmen, project managers, helpdesk... wherever people need to work well together, together, rapport oils the wheels. If you work or socialise with other people, then over the years, you’ve probably learned lots of techniques for establishing rapport. You’ve You’ve learned to shake hands, to smile, and to keep your body language “open”. And you may have experimented with increasing eye contact (probably with mixed results - some people love lots of eye contact, others find it very uncomfortable). The thing is:

• Peop People le trus trustt peo peopl ple e the they y lik like. e. • People People like like peop people le who who they they believ believe e are are like like them. them. When you first meet someone, of course, you know very little about them. So how do you overcome this barrier and convince them that you are actually very similar to them? In fact, it’s surprisingly easy to do. You don’t need lots of background research. You just need to keep your eyes and ears open, focus on the other person rather than yourself, and use the information you receive in a very specific way wa y. Here’s Here’s the easiest method of building rapport there is:

• To quickly quickly convince convince anyone anyone that you are are like like them, them, use their words. Don’t paraphrase - parrot-phrase!

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The magic of parrot-phrasi parrot-phrasing ng

This simple strategy works astonishingly quickly and effectively. effectively. It’s It’s like magic: it’s it’s as if hearing their own words lulls the person’s person’s subconscious mind into trusting you. But it’s it’s also based on solid science. In a recent piece of research, it was found that a waitress increased her tips by 70 per cent simply by repeating the customer’s customer’s order back to them, rather than saying “okay” or “coming right up”. 1 People’s People’s words are important to them. By parrot-phrasing, you demonstrate that you’ve really been listening. When you use their words exactly, they feel respected and acknowledged. You’ll You’ll become a member of their “club” - it seems obvious to them that you understand them, and that you are like them. It’s It’s no distance from there to being liked and trusted. So how, specifically, specifically, can you do this? It works effectively in face-to-face conversations, on the phone, or in email or text message. • You can simply simply repeat repeat back the the person’ person’s words, words, as if making making a note for for yourself. yourself. • You can repeat repeat them them back with with a curious curious tone, tone, encoura encouraging ging the the person person to say say more. more. • You can use use their their words words in a question question,, such as one of the the 2 Lazy Lazy Jedi question questions s (see next next section). If neccessary, neccessary, put their words in “quote marks” (perhaps using voice tone and/or gesture). • You can remember remember the person’ person’s s specific words words for important important informat information, ion, and reintr reintroduce oduce them later in the conversation. It may feel slightly awkward for you the first time you do this, simply because it is unfamiliar. But as they say: “If you always do what you always do, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” What’s What’s amazing, though, is how parrot-phrasing parrot-phrasing affects the other person. People typically report feeling really listened to, really understoo understood. “It’s “It’s like you can completely see what I’m saying, and it makes perfect sense to you,” is how one described it. What needs to happen for you to try this out, right now?

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Reported in A Dijksterhuis, P K Smith, R B van Baaren and D H Wigboldus (2005) "The Unconscious Consumer: Effects of Environment on Consumer Behaviour", Journal of Consumer Behaviour, 15, pages 193 - 202

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Chapter 3: Listen and win

“Powerful persuasion begins with the ability to hear what others are saying,” says James Borg in his bestseller Persuasion: The Art of Influencing People. Another of my favourite quotations comes from Wilson Mizner. Mizner. He said: “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.” Our media-rich society quite q uite rightly celebrates great speakers speak ers and writers. In books, on TV, TV, online, in the papers, we’re continuously surrounded by fascinating and persuasive messages from people who have “something to say”. In all the noise, it’s it’s easy to overlook the impact of good listening. Borg is quite right when he says: “Of all aspects of communication, c ommunication, listening is the most important... “Think about somebody you know who isn’t a good listener. listener. Who, in fact, never seems to listen to anything you say. say. Frustrating, isn’t it? And how does it make you feel about that person? Chances are they will have a hard time persuading you as you are too busy feeling annoyed because they never listen... “When people are accused of being poor listeners, it is usually done behind their backs. ba cks. So they remain unaware of this major failing, which can lose them friends, work colleagues and business clients.” According to Borg, the average person speaks at 120 – 150 words words per minute, but thinks at 600 – 800 words per minute. So the listener is always ahead of the person doing the talking. Fast thinking is usually regarded as a good thing – but not when you should be listening! In this context, it means that the listener’s listener’s mind has time to wander, to make new connections… and to start planning what they will say next. Before the speaker has come close to finishing the point they are making, the “listener” is poised to: •

Interrupt

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Finish Finish the other other person person’’s senten sentence ce

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Talk alk over over the the othe otherr pers person on

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Offe Offerr advi advice ce too too soon soon..

No wonder so many relationships – both personal and at work – break down with the complaint: “You “You never listen to me!

Three quick tips for better listening

Here are three rapid ways to up your listening game: 1. Pay attention! Turn Turn off distractions such as phones, email, the radio or TV, TV, and focus completely on the person who is speaking. speak ing. 2. Ignore Ignore your own stream stream of thoughts. thoughts. Mentally Mentally turn down down the volume volume (or dim the picture) picture) of your internal chatterbox (or kaleidoscope). 2 Don’t worry – those thoughts are yours already! But this unique opportunity to listen to someone else will never come round again. 3. Get curious curious about the speaker. speaker. Every person is amazing: amazing: this is your opportu opportunity nity to discover what’s what’s interesting about this individual, how they think and how they express themselves.

Make it even more fun by getting more curious

Let’s Let’s try an experiment. Think of a flower. What kind of flower is your flower? Take a moment to make a few notes. Now ask someone else else to think of a flower, and then ask: “What kind of flower is that flower?” Make a note of their answer. answer. Then try someone else. No two flowers will be identical. All the flowers will be different from the one you were thinking of. They could be any of hundreds of species. They could be any colour or size. In someone’s someone’s mind’s mind’s eye, their flower could be in a particular location, or imagined on its own or in a particular context. A flower could look ‘real’ or be like a photograph or a cartoon. Very soon soon the number of potential differences outweighs the similarities between different different people’s flowers.

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More ways to go quiet inside incude: put your attention outside yourself; otice your internal dialogue and say ‘sssshhhhh’ to yourself; place

your tongue just behind your top teeth so that it’s almost,but not quite, touching them.

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And yet, when someone mentions ‘a flower’, we think we know what they mean!

It’s It’s very easy to think that you know what someone means by what they say - when in fact you have only the vaguest idea of how the world seems to them. Once you decide you’ve got the message, it’s it’s easy to stop listening and start grabbing for your turn to speak. As you hear their anecdote, even before the words are fully out of their mouths, you’re you’re thinking: “That’s “That’s like something that happened to me... Listen!” But as the “flower” exercise shows, we actually don’t know what they mean, once we get down to any level of detail. de tail. Even with something as straightforward as a flower, flower, everyone’s everyone’s thinking is different. Once we consider more complex, abstract areas the differences become even larger. larger. Quantitative easing, anyone? Relationships? The nature of God? It’s It’s a very safe assumption that you really don’t know much about what someone means. The best way to find out is to suspend judgment and stay curious. And when you stay curious, you’ll listen more deeply, ask useful questions, and learn more.

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Chapter 4: Control the conversation with great questions

In this chapter you’ll get your hands on some new toys! These are impressive gadgets precision persuasion tools that can have a massive impact on your persuasive power. power. The experience has been compared to grabbing a light sabre and starting to channel The Force! And it requires a certain amount of courage. Because at first glace, these gadgets don’t look paticularly exciting. They’re questions.

• Why should should questio questions ns be be importan importantt to an elegant elegant persuader? persuader? • What What differ differenc ence e can effe effecti ctive ve quest question ions s make? make? • What’ What’s s impor importan tantt to you about about ques questio tions? ns?

Questions are the persuader’s persuader’s secret weapon, because b ecause they are spectacularly spectac ularly effective at capturing and directing people’s people’s attention. When you’re asking the questions, you’re in control - and later in this report we’ll explore how questions can be used to control people’s people’s emotions. Questions can also be used to deepen rapport and trust. And of course, questions are great for gathering information. information. As I mentioned earlier, earlier, expert persuaders nowadays recognise that it’s it’s essential to find out what the other person wants before making your pitch. Learning to ask good questions, and to listen to the answers, is at the heart of the Intelligent approach to Influence.

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The 2 Lazy Jedi questions

Let me introduce you to two very remarkable questions. Like Jedi light sabres, they are flexible, multi-purpose tools. With W ith practice, you can use them to direct someone’s someone’s attention with great precision, to focus on almost anything. The questions were orignally designed by David Grove, as part of his coaching and therapy system Clean Language. At first glance they may look and sound very ordinary, ordinary, but in pratice they have some remarkable features. The 2 Lazy Jedi questions are:

• What What kind kind of X (is (is that that X)? X)? • Is ther there e anyth anything ing else else about about that that / X / that that X? X? The “X” represents a slot into which you put one or more of the other person’s person’s words. That means that to use these questions, you have to listen and parrot-phrase! p arrot-phrase! The questions can be used in casual conversations, in interviews of all kinds, in meetings wherever people are talking about anything. • A business business analyst analyst claimed claimed that the well-tim well-timed ed use of these these questions questions in a worksho workshop p saved a €34.8m project from disaster, disaster, when he discovered that the two banks driving the project had differing understandings of a key requirement. • A project project manager manager used used them to bring bring herself herself quickly quickly and discre discreetly etly up to speed speed on a new project which used unfamiliar technology. technology. • A team of usabilit usabilityy consultants consultants routin routinely ely use them them to understand understand the the details of of people’s people’s interactions with websites under testing. As you’ll have noticed, the 2 Lazy Jedi questions are very “open”. They introduce as few suggestions as presuppositions as possible, allowing the person being questioned plenty of freedom to think. By using them, you can keep quiet about your opinion, hold back from f rom premature premature judgment and potentially reduce your chance of making mak ing a damaging blunder. You’ll You’ll also reduce your natural “pushiness” - which often causes people to push back!

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Driving clarity

You You can use the 2 Lazy Jedi questions in a huge range of contexts. But one of the best ways to use them is to increase clarity. Ambiguity and confusion, resulting in wasted effort, frayed tempers, tempers, and increased costs, are common in all business environments. Misunderstandings can be bad enough when you’re face-to-face with colleagues. And the problem gets even worse when technological, linguistic and cultural communication barriers are added to the mix. Language is a wonderfully flexible tool. But its very flexibility leads to problems: everyone thinks they’re like Humpty Dumpty, who said: “When I use a word, it means just w hat I choose it to mean - neither more nor less!” The more novel or complex the topic, the greater the scope for differences differences of meaning - even when you think terms have been b een carefully defined. Technical Technical or professional jargon, which is intended to reduce confusion, can actually be a minefield of misunderstandings! Whenever you want greater clarity, clarity, reach into your toolkit for the 2 Lazy Jedi questions. • The question questions s can be used used in any any order order,, and as many many times times as you you like, but but most most people find it most effective to ask “What kind of X?” first. • It is possib possible le to have have a long long conve conversa rsatio tion n in whic which h you only ask these questions - I do it regularly! But I’d strongly recommend that you start by asking one, or maybe tw o, consecutive Lazy Jedi questions, until you feel comfortable with the wording and with their effects. • Expect the other other person person to be be surprised surprised by your questio question, n, to give give you a quizzic quizzical al glance, glance, and to pause for thought before answering. Being listened to, and being honesty asked an open question born of curosity, curosity, are both worryingly rare experiences!

Check out my short video on the 2 Lazy Jedi questions here

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Chapter 5: Use The Meta-Force!

If you’ve done much reading about the way our minds work, you’re probably aware of the power of metaphor - comparing one kind of thing to another - to influence and persuade. You’ll You’ll know that great teachers, statesmen, artists and religious leaders use metaphors metaphors to capture our hearts, while great salesmen, marketers and gizmo-makers use them as a fasttrack to our wallets. It’s It’s well known that a great metaphor will bring a piece of writing, w riting, or a presentation, or an advertisement, to life, engaging people’s people’s emotions. That’s That’s one reason I’ve used lots of metaphors in this report report so far: the metaphor “2 Lazy Jedi questions”, for example, compares two ordinary English sentences to the kind of weapons which might be used by fictional superheroes. Metaphors have emotional impact, because metaphor is the native language of the subconscious mind. Metaphor is not just an optional extra, some kind of embellishment or decoration added to spice up language (as the Victorians V ictorians believed). The truth is, we think in metaphor. metaphor.3 Scientists across a range of disciplines are excitedly exploring this “discovery” an d its implications. Who’d have thought that we feel fe el “warmer” towards others after holding a hot drink, or take things more seriously when holding a “weighty” c lipboard? 4 But what few of them have yet realised is that the metaphors people use in their thinking spill out in their words, and that the metaphors metap hors in their words can provide a doorway into the unconscious mind. That’s That’s a vital piece for Intelligent Influencers, because as I’m sure you know, 95 per cent of our mental processing that takes place out of our awareness. It’s It’s that unconscious processing which largely drives our behaviour (including buying behaviour).

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See, for example, Steven Pinker, Pinker, “The Stuff of Thought” and Gerald Zaltman, “How Customers Think”

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See http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/thishttp://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/this-is-your-brainis-your-brain-on-metaphors/ on-metaphors/

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Noticing metaphors

Our everyday language is awash with metaphors – something like six per minute, depending what you include. But it can take practice – and training – to notice these spontaneous metaphors as they emerge. In the paragraph above, you probably noticed that “awash” was a metaphor. I was comparing everyday language to something which can be flooded with water. water. Language isn’t a physical object, it can’t be flooded, and metaphors aren’t wet! But I have no doubt at all that you understood my meaning. If you were on the ball, you might have noticed that “metaphors... emerge” was itself a metaphor - the metaphors were being compared to something that could come out (perhaps rather tentatively) from something else. I could go on... It’s It’s also interesting to think about the metaphors around persuasion and influence. “Manipulate” or “control” are metaphors which imply the direct application of an exter nal force to something: “I can make you do something against your will.” “Influence” also implies force, but of a river-like, flowing-together kind... Noticing metaphors is the first step in using them to influence people. Start to spot them in advertisements... in politicians’ speeches... in written materials... and in the language of the people you are listening to.

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Uncovering metaphors

Here’s Here’s a critical piece of the jigsaw that hardly anyone knows. It’s It’s possible not only to notice the metaphors that someone uses, but also to use questions (like the 2 Lazy Jedi questions) to explore and find out more about them. All metaphors are persuasive. But the most persuasive metaphors of all are a person’s person’s own. Most people, most of the time, are completely unaware of the metaphors they use. Becoming aware of them can be fascinating f ascinating both for them, and for you. And as an Intelligent Influencer, Influencer, being able to reveal a person’s person’s own, hidden metaphors puts you firmly in the driving seat of a conversation. There are a number of elegant and sophisticated ways to explore individuals’ metaphors metaphors and most of them are beyond the scope of a short e-book.5 But the short and simple secret is that when you hear someone use a powerful metaphor, metaphor, ask one or more of the 2 Lazy Jedi questions about it. For example, someone might mention that during an outing they were “behaving like a big kid”. In other words, they were using the image of a “big kid” as a metaphor to represent their sense of fun and enjoyment on the trip. So you could ask: “What kind of big kid?” or “Is there anything else about that kid?” Be aware that metaphors can connect people to very powerful emotions, and you’ll often hear people use powerful metaphors in relation to things the they find unpleasant. “It was hell!” “I’m trapped!” and so on. Exploring metaphors for unpleasant things can connect people to very unpleasant emotions. That’s That’s upsetting for them, and can be very alarming for the inexperienced questioner. questioner. So, to begin with, explore metaphors for “good stuff” - the things people like and want more of. Then, grab the Power Switch.

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See “Clean Language: Revealing Metaphors and Opening Minds” by Wendy Sullivan and Judy Rees

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Chapter 6: Control emotions with the Power Switch

How often do you find yourself thinking: “That didn’t go quite how I intended” intended ” as you leave a conversation? And what would happen if, if , in the future, those conversations turned out differently for you? The key, key, it seems to me, is to take control of the emotion in a conversation, and use it to the advantage of both parties. The kind of places in which I use this include: • When I’m I’m out out networking networking or sociali socialising, sing, I want to make make people people happier happier so that we we all enjoy ourselves • When I’m I’m training training a group, group, I want want to fill fill the room room with with fun and and laughter laughter so that people people learn effectively • When I’m I’m shopping, shopping, I want want the staff to to feel friendly friendly and helpful helpful towards towards me so as to find what I need • If someone’ someone’s s angry angry with me, me, I want to to calm them them enough enough to at least least find out out why (and (and to keep myself safe) • When I’m I’m selling selling my services services,, I want my my potential potential custome customerr to feel bad about about the problem problem I can solve – and good about the prospect of solving it together. together. Whether you’re trying to surprise your y our friend, seduce your partner, partner, or convince your boss, you’re seeking to control emotions. In saying “control emotions”, I don’t mean that I think emotions are in any way bad, or unneccessary, unneccessary, or inappropriate. I’m a big advocate ad vocate of feeling feelings! I do mean that I’m seeking to recognise what’s what’s frequently going on in human interactions: one person is seeking to influence the feelings of another. And I’m seeking to influence you to take more conscious control, and to become more effective at doing it. That’s That’s not just becasue I want you to go around making people happy for no reason! Far be it from me to sugest such as thing. No. Take control, because when you are in control of the emotion in a conversation, you are in a powerful powerf ul persuasive position.

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Taking control

The key skill to acquire is the ability to direct a person’s person’s attention to different things: to things which naturally inspire different emotional reactions. You You already do this when you say to an unhappy friend: “Shall we talk about something more cheerful?” and guide the conversation away from a problem topic. Expert persuaders are well aware that guiding emotion is critical to the sales process. It seems essential to be able to direct attention to, and intensify the emotion around, the problem that your product or service can solve, the “pain” in sales jargon. Otherwise, why would your prospect recognise the value of your solution? Similarly, Similarly, when your prospect feels excited and enthusiastic about how much better life lif e will be once the problem has been solved, they’re much more likely to buy. buy.

Find out what the other person wants

Demonstrate how you can fulfil this

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The Power Switch

The Intelligent Infuencer’s Infuencer’s toolkit includes a questioning pattern which is invaluable for controlling emotions - and in particuar, particuar, for making people happier. happier. It’s It’s called the Power Switch. When the person’s person’s attention is focussed f ocussed on their problem, they’re probaby feeling unpleasant emotions - and they probably don’t feel that they’re they’ re in control. You You can use the Power Switch Sw itch like the points on a railway, to shift them onto another a nother track. You’ll You’ll switch their focus away from the problem, and toward what they would like instead. Again, this process is based on questions from David Grove’ Grove’s s Clean Language (though I am sufggesting you apply it in a different d ifferent way from his coaching and therapy process). The Power Switch works like this: • List Listen en as as they they des descr crib ibe e the the prob proble lem m • Ask: “And when , what would you like to have happen?” • Listen Listen to their their answer answer.. Have they they changed changed their their focus to what they would would like instead instead of the problem? • If not, not, repe repeat at the the que quest stio ion: n: “And when , what would you like

to have happen?”

• Once they they have have said what they they would would like, like, use questi questions ons such such as the 2 Lazy Jedi Jedi questions to help them - and you - find out more about it. Some people, in some circumstances, spring back to the problem repeatedly, repeatedly, as if connected to it by strong elastic. As questioner, questioner, notice this and direct their attention: if their attention snaps back to the problem, acknowledge what they have said by repeating their words, and ask again: “And when , what would you like to

have happen?” Once you have some experience of exploring people’s people’s metaphors, the Power Switch can be particuarly valuable. You can explore a person’s person’s own metaphor for f or a problem, engaging strong, unpleasant emotions... and then use the Power S witch to change track, and direct their focus to what they would like instead... while staying with the same persuasive metaphor. Check out my short video on the Power Switch here

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Chapter 7: What do people really want?

You You may already be ahead of me here. The techniques above can be combined into a powerful persuasion system which solves one of the persuaders’ biggest problems - how to actually get people to say what they want! Once you have that information, you will have the key to influence and persuade them. Either, Either, you’ll know that they want what you have to offer - in which case, persuading pe rsuading them should be easy. It’s It’s just a matter of sorting out the details, delivering, and enjoying their delight. Or, Or, you’ll know they want something different, and you can either adjust what you offer, offer, or refer them to somebody else, or simply walk away. away. Minimal time wasted, no hard feelings. Remember, Remember, we’ve moved away aw ay from that old model of persuasion in which w hich you can force somebody to do what w hat you want. That’s That’s bullying. It’s It’s not always obvious, but people often have very good reasons for not saying what w hat they want: 1.

They may not want to say what they want - they may not trust you, or may fear a “hard sell”, or might know or suspect that you would disagree with their choice

2.

They may not know what they want. They may be so caught up in the problem that they can’t see an alternative, or they may not be aware awa re that any solution exists, or they might want more than one thing and face a bind

3.

May not be able to say what they want, perhaps because it would be so novel that they can’t quite describe it.

In all these instances, the techniques discussed above can help.

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Establishing what somebody really wants

Armed with the skills and techniques described above, you’re ready to move. • Establish Establish rapport rapport and and trust trust by parrot-ph parrot-phrasing rasing,, using the person’ person’s s own words words • Listen Listen carefully carefully to to what they they actually actually say, say, noticing noticing the the metaphors metaphors they they use • Use questions questions to focus focus their attention attention on what they they want (instea (instead d of the probl problem). em). You You could use the Power Switch, and/or the 2 Lazy Jedi questions, and any other questions you choose • Stay curious curious and suspend suspend judgement judgement for for longer longer than than usual. usual. When When you think you you know know exactly what they mean... ask one or two more questions. • Expect to have have an intere interesting sting conversation conversation - and perhaps perhaps to make make a friend friend for for life! life!

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What happens next?

It's important that you put this information in this report to use. Otherwise, it will be just another report that's sitting on your hard drive. Instead of using this information to influence others in a conscious, deliberate fashion, you’ll continue to get whatever results you usually get. And if that’s that’s enough for you... well, excuse me, but why did you read this far? You You owe it to your customers, clients, colleagues, friends and family members to use what you’ve learned. To take control. To become an Intelligent Influencer.

Check out my 90-day training programme, the Voyage of Discovery, at http://intelligentinfluence.com/w http://intelligenti nfluence.com/we-are-li e-are-live ve NOTE: STORE CLOSES at 11.59pm GMT on 10 December 2010, 2010, so ACT NOW!

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About Judy Rees

I’ve been nicknamed “The Elephant Whisperer” because of my almost uncanny ability to communicate with subconscious minds. The “elephant” of the subconscious mind powers our behaviour, behaviour, including our buying decisions, while the conscious “rider” thinks he’s he’s in control! I am the co-author of the bestselling Clean Language: Revealing Metaphors and Opening Minds.. Minds Formerly a print, TV and online journalist and editorial executive, I now work as a trainer and consultant, based in west London. If you enjoyed this e-book, then stay in touch! I welcome and encourage feedback. Please contact me at info@intelligentinfluence.com with your thoughts, your testimonials or anything else that I can help you with. You You can find more of my articles, products and services at www.xraylistening.com If you’d like to find out more about Clean Language, the book on the subject which I coauthored with Wendy Sullivan can be found here here.. Finally, Finally, if you haven't taken advantage of your free 30 minute strategic consultation on how to put Intelligent Influence to work for you, please send me an email so we can set up up a time to make this happen. Also, I am up for doing teleseminars and other virtual events, and speaking at live events in the UK. Again, email me if this is of interest to you.

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Seven Intelligent Ways to Influence and Persuade

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