Love Sick

Love Sick

So this is what it feels like to be in love. If only the universe would conspire to make it possible. If only cupid could shoot his arrow and pierce your heart. If only every sickness in this world could be cured. If only love sickness could be cured.

Love. That four-letter word which makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. The one which makes your heartbeat flutter like crazy. The one which makes you feel all giddy and inspired. The one which causes you to unconsciously smile at the mere memory of the person's smile. But love could also be a bitch. It could also be

the one which makes you feel like you're standing on a cliff as the deep waters and jagged rocks at the bottom daringly invites you to take a plunge, to leave everything behind and accept the pain as you crush to pieces, breaking all of your bones as you lie there feeling the most unbearable pain you can ever imagine.

Dying Inside

March 2013. 2:00 AM.

One more bottle of beer and I'm close to oblivion. My head aches. My vision blurred. My heart feels numb.

"God why did you have to let me feel this way? Why me? Why her?", I muttererd to myself while trying to hold back the tears. The tears that I have so long suppressed within me. Sometimes I feel like the universe has been playing tricks on me. I fell in love with the most amazing person. She is far from perfect. I am aware of it and yet I fell in love with her. No one is perfect. Yes, no one. I concluded, "No one is perfect. Not even me. Not even love."

As the saying goes, "Love is blind". And I have been blind for 3 years. 3 agonizing years of loving someone without her knowing it. It feels like shit, yet it also feels like heaven.

Love. That four-letter word which makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. The one which makes your heartbeat flutter like crazy. The one which makes you feel all giddy and inspired. The one which causes you to unconsciously smile at the mere memory of the person's smile. But love could also be a bitch. It could also be the one which makes you feel like you're standing on a cliff as the deep waters and jagged rocks at the bottom daringly invites you to take a plunge, to leave everything behind and accept the pain as you crush to pieces, breaking all of your bones as you lie there feeling the most unbearable pain you can ever imagine.

2:38 AM.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

I woke up feeling irritated with the incessant ringing of my phone. I must have dozed off a while ago. I can still feel the effects of alcohol in my system. I immediately got up and grabbed my phone. I glanced at my phone with my eyes half closed and a smile slowly crept into my face when I saw my wallpaper. It was a picture of her and me. I checked at the time, 2:39 AM.

"Who in the world would call at this hour?", I said to myself without bothering to fully open my eyes. I pressed the answer button and listened as the caller spoke."Hey, I'm sorry if I called you at this time. I was just worried when you left

earlier at the party. I hope you got home safe. You weren't replying to my messages."

My eyes blinked a couple of times. My brain just woke up immediately. My heart fluttered like crazy. My thoughts flew from my bed to the moon upon hearing her voice. "Hey... I'm sorry too I was not able to tell you that I already left. I was just not feeling well. I hope I did not ruin your mood."

I stayed still while I waited for her reply. It was a lie. I was in a good mood before the party. I was happy I could be with her again. It was a good night being with my friends and I was there enjoying and listening to her talk, watching her smile and laugh at every joke being thrown. But her boyfriend had to join us and ruin the fun. I just could not stand seeing them together being sweet and all. It was too much. It was painful. It was, as always, the death of me. I left the party without telling her. I dropped by the convenience store near my apartment and bought 9 bottles of beer, hoping it could wipe out those lingering memories of her with that guy. I just can't possibly sleep with all the heavy feelings that I have kept hidden deep within me.

"Uhm..", she spoke with her soft angel-like voice. "You could have just told me you know. I'm your bestfriend. I would've taken care of you."

I smiled at her response. She has always been there for me for the past 5 years that we've known each other. She always takes good care of me. I have been far from my family in pursuit of my dreams. Sure I have other friends too, but she is always special. She takes care of me like a baby, like a princess, like a lover. Lover. Silly of me. I could never be a lover in her eyes. I sighed as I carefully thought of my words.

"I'm sorry, but you know I can take care of my self. I'm all grown up now. No need to worry mommy. Now let's just go to sleep, you'll surely need it since you still need to grow you know. Hahaha." I tried to act cool and funny in order to hide my pain. I could not bother her with my own feelings. I could not let her know that I love her more than just a best friend. I can't risk our friendship. If she knows, it will surely be all or nothing. I can't live with nothing.

"Yeah, I do need some sleep. Hehe. I even drank my milk and growth vitamins just now.", she chuckled. "But remember, if you need me I'm just here. Just a call away. What are friends for, right? Best friend?", she sounded serious.

I sighed again. "Yes my dearest bestfriend. I would shamelessly call you in the middle of the night if ever I would need you. I'll hang up now. Good night, thanks for worrying. I love you."

"Okay. I love you too. Good night.", and with that the call ended. I also felt like my breathing ended, like I am dying inside. But I know my love for her has yet to see its end. I doubt that it will ever end.

Bittersweet

March 2013. 9:15 AM.

Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.

“Ugghhhh.”, I groaned. I have been awakened by the sound of my annoying door bell. I lazily got off my bed and tumbled into the beer bottles sprawled along the

floor. I grabbed the bottles and threw them into the trash can. As soon as I took a step towards the bathroom I felt my head ache. Hangover. That must be it.

“Just a minute please.”, I yelled as I went to the bathroom and quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth. I head towards the door and opened it. To my surprise I saw her standing on my front door holding out a paper bag and a plastic bag which seems to have coffee on it. My eyes widened and I forced a smile as I ushered her inside.

“Good morning. What brings you here? It’s Sunday you know. You disrupted my beauty sleep.”, I muttered sheepishly.

“I know, which is why I’m here. I brought along coffee and cupcakes for our breakfast since I know you'd be lazy to prepare one yourself.”, she said as she slowly unwrapped them and placed them carefully on the coffee table across the television. She picked up the remote control and scanned for shows that would interest her. She stopped at the Cartoon Network. She then sat comfortably at the couch and raised her leg on top of the coffee table without even bothering to remove her shoes.

I smiled at her. Seeing her like this feeling so at home at my apartment made me feel at peace. Ever since I left America, I have been living practically on my own

in South Korea as I enrolled myself in a music academy. I have always dreamt of becoming an artist, a performer, a singer, or anything that has to do with music. It has always been a part of my life. My passion. My strength. My saving grace. It has been 5 years since I have been living by myself. My family has been well off, thus providing me with my one bedroom apartment. Life has been tough being independent, or me trying to be independent. I have never thought that dreams come with a price. But seeing this person in my living room made all the difference between hope and hopelessness.

“Did you sleep well last night?”, she asked me without taking her eyes off the cartoon show at the cable network.

“I don’t know. Well, someone called me up at almost 3:00 in the morning and interrupted my dream when I was about to kiss Dennis Oh. Yeah sure, I slept well.”, I said while grinning at her. I slumped in the couch and rested my head on her shoulder. The hangover from last night still kept me uneasy. My head seems to have hit a hard wall. “Urgghhhhh....”, I groaned as I massaged my temple.

“Yah. Have you been drinking by yourself last night?”, she asked as she took my hand away and shifted her gaze towards my temple. Slowly she made me lie unto her lap and massaged my forehead.

“Mmmmnn.. How did you know?”. My heart has been beating wildly again as I felt her warm hands relieving the pain from my headache. I closed my eyes as I secretly savoured the moment. She could always tell what I have been up to or what I have been doing. She claims to have known me more than I know myself. I know this is partially true. We have been best friends since our freshmen days in music school. 5 years of being best friends to be exact and 3 years of me loving her without her knowing. Yes, the only thing she would not know is how much I really love her. The only thing that I would dare hide from her.

“It’s not like this is your first time waking up with a bad head ache. Heck, you could not even open your eyes properly. The last time you were like this was 2 weeks ago. Remember? After the performance celebration? You were dead drunk. I had to carry you back here and stay with you for the whole night. You woke up having a bad headache.” Her voice sounded irritated but still, she continued to massage my forehead down to my temple.

“Yeah, I figured out I couldn’t sleep so I bought a couple of beers. No big deal.”

“And I thought you weren’t feeling well last night.”, she muttered.

I opened my eyes only to see her staring right at me. Her powerful gaze could leave me paralyzed. My heart would just not cooperate with me no matter how I

tried to slow it down. I could tell she was mad. She was practically glaring at me right now. She took care of me the last time I was drunk. It was the time when her boyfriend dropped by at the restaurant where we were having our celebration after a successful class presentation of Lady Marmalade. It was the time when her boyfriend kissed her in front of our whole class before saying goodbye to us and left for his work. It was heart-breaking that I could not stop myself from chugging down a whole barrel of alcohol.

“I’m sorry okay. I said it’s no big deal.” I got up from her lap. I was about to stand up when I felt her grab my wrist pulling me down. She pulled my shoulders and made me lie unto her lap again.

“Okay, but you know how I always feel with you drinking. Is there something wrong? Do you have any problems that you have not been telling me?”, she asked me while looking straight into my eyes.

I looked away trying to hide the pain. I debated with myself whether or not to tell her that I have never felt okay ever since the day I realized that I loved her more than I should love her. I wanted to tell her how much it hurts to see her love someone else. Someone she obviously loves. Someone obviously better than me because of the fact that he's a guy. I wanted to tell her that. But eventually, I did what I’m always good at. I thought of a lie. I've been good at lying lately especially when it comes to lying about my true feelings.

“I’m sorry if I did not tell you. I just missed my dad and my siblings. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them. Don’t worry; I’ll try not to drink much again.” I smiled at her upon saying those words hoping to convince her. Being far from my family has always been my excuse whenever she asks if something’s wrong with me. She always accepts this reason anyway.

Her gaze softened as she smiled at me. She lowered her head slowly. I panicked, wondering what she would do. Will she kiss me? I asked myself. She lowered her head still and I could feel her warm breath in my forehead. I closed my eyes. Time stood still. Everything stood still, even my heartbeat. And then I felt it. Her soft lips landed on my forehead.

“It’s okay. I understand.”, she said as she lifted her head and went back to massaging my temple.

I opened my eyes. She kissed my forehead. How I wish my lips were the ones that felt her lips. Hearing her tell me that she understands made me feel relaxed. I don’t know. But whenever she says this I always feel like I have someone whom I could always depend on. She may not fully understand the depth of my feelings but I know she understands how I just need someone to be there for me. I absentmindedly touched the part of my forehead where she kissed.

“Thank you for understanding and for the concern. You know I appreciate you for that.” I told her.

“I’m your best friend after all. So it’s my job.” she smiled widely showing her chin dimples. “Here, drink this while it’s still hot and eat these cupcakes. You’re not so skinny so there’s no sense in going into diet. I’ll just grab a pain reliever in your medicine drawer okay?” And with that I got up as I followed her with my gaze as she walked towards my bedroom looking for the medicine.

I slowly drank the coffee and ate the cupcakes. Bitter coffee and sweet cupcakes. Just like my love for her. Bittersweet.

Love Sick

April 2013. 7:09 PM.

It’s the first week of the month. One more school term and I’d be off completing my goal and finish my studies. Midterms are looming ahead and everyone is either too excited or too desperate to get it over and done with. With all the preparations for various performances and studying for all the upcoming exams, I barely had enough time to squeeze anything not related to school.

I got my books and notes from my locker and quickly rushed towards my classroom. I slumped down my desk as I laid out all of my stuff. The professor started his lecture about song composition, harmony, melody and etcetera. I wanted to listen to him and concentrate but my heart and eyes decided to have a mind of its own again. I stared at the person sitting beside me and gave her a quick and sincere smile. She has always complimented my smile, telling me how much she loves the way my pupils disappear as my eyes curve along with my lips. I meant to avert my gaze after that and focus on the discussion in front of me but I just sat there immobilized when she looked at me with those intense eyes and adorable smile which showed her chin dimples.

“...and I believe it is now time for every one of you to perform your very own compositions. Let’s see here. How about I choose the first performer randomly eh?” beamed the professor. “Okay, let’s have Miss Hwang.”

Cheers and applause erupted from the class as they stared right at me. “Shit.”, I said to myself. Sure, I wasn’t one to shy away from a performance. I have always felt confident whenever I perform. What got me was that the professor really had to break our moment. Staring and smiling at each other was the only thing I’d ever wanted to do right now. But like the performer that I am, I walked towards the platform and put on my performer-mode face. My professor reminded me to give a short introduction of my piece before I sing.

“Uhmm.. Ehem..” I slowly warmed up. I clutched my lyric sheet. I took a glance at the whole class and eyed one person in particular. I looked straight into my best friend’s eyes. Those eyes owned by the person I love most. The person I’d be willing to give my whole life to.

“The idea of this song came to me 3 years ago. It kind of symbolized what I felt at that moment. This song is special to me. I gave my heart and everything in it. I hope that the person I am dedicating this will appreciate it.”, and with that I closed my eyes and started to sing. Deep in my heart I hoped that she will not only hear my voice but also my heart which beats only for her.

Love Sick

It was the first time feeling like this My entire heart has been taken from me What do I do? What should I do? In front of you, I become ice I ruin it all with good-for-nothing words You might have thought that I was stupid Why did you make me like this

Give it back to me, my heart that you took without knowing Why did you come inside without permission, without warning and shake me up? You burn me up and make me cry I pray every day for the day you will look back to me Can’t you see me as a woman? Is it already too late? It was the first time I got to know love

I can’t hide this face Everything about me was caught What do I do? What should I do?

When I see you, I turn white I run away like a child You might have thought

I was arrogant and strange Why did I change like this?

Give it back to me, my heart that you took without knowing Why did you come inside without permission, without warning and shake me up? You burn me up and make me cry I pray every day for the day you will look back to me Can’t you see me as a woman? Is it already too late? It was the first time I got to know love

Will it get better if I’m love sick like a cold? What happens if I’m love sick again?

Please take it away, this love that opened my eyes to you Why did you come to me without caution, without sound and shake me up? You make me want you and be in pain I hope every day for the day you will finally acknowledge me Can’t it be fulfilled just once? I’ve waited for a long time It was the first time I got to know love

I opened my eyes. For the entire duration of the song I have chosen to close my eyes. I just can’t look at her. I have poured out my heart in that song. I can’t bear to know what her reaction will be. It’s not like she knows that it’s for her anyway. But with her, it’s always all or nothing.

The whole class was silent as they looked at me. I could feel all of my confidence go down the drain. I could just hear the loud thumping of my heart. Then one by one my classmates clapped. They were giving me a standing ovation. Suddenly I felt my cheeks burn from their reaction. Somehow I felt satisfied. I rushed towards my seat not wanting to look into the questioning eyes of my best friend.

“Wow! That was an emotional performance Miss Hwang. You did an outstanding job.” I smiled back at my professor and my classmates while they teased me. “Look who’s in love.”, my classmates coaxed. “Wow Tiff, I didn’t know you got it in you. Who’s the lucky guy?”, they prodded.

“What was that?”, an angel-like voice softly asked me.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiing.

The bell rang, signalling the end of the class. I grabbed my stuff, hurriedly dumped them in my locker and ran away from school. Away from her.

I did not dare look back. I sang that song for her. In front of her. She will surely question me. I can easily break down in front of her right now. All of my self control may leave me in blink of an eye.The thought of confessing my love to her is going to be another death of me. I just can’t do it now. I know it’s going to be all or nothing.

I ran and ran until my feet took me back to my apartment. I slumped with my back against the wall. I panted. I could feel my heart jumping out of my chest. It was yet again another agony. I feel sick. Sick of being unable to tell her that I love her. Sick for not having the courage to tell her how I feel. Sick of knowing that she may not love me back. Warm drops of liquid started to fall from my eyes. I head back to my bedroom and cried myself to sleep.

Blaming

April 2013. 6:30 AM.

Kriing. Kriiiing. Kriiing.

“Mmnnn...”

Kriing. Kriiiing. Kriiing.

“Ughh. Stop! Just a minute!”, I yelled at my alarm clock before shoving it out of my corner table as I slowly opened my eyes. I blinked a couple of times and glanced at my wrist watch. 6:34 AM. I just forgot to turn off my alarm last night. I was in no mood to wake up early and pretend that it's going to be a good morning.

I slowly got up and went to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror for awhile. I looked like I just had an outing in hell. My face smudged with make up

from last night’s crying. My eyes were slightly puffy. My hair was a piece of mess. Hurriedly, I started to wash up, hoping that the cold water could rinse away everything. I brushed my teeth before stepping out of the bathroom.

I wandered my eyes through my room and I swear I could feel the gloomy atmosphere that has been eating me all up. My window blinds have been shut. I walked over and flicked the blinds open. Rays of sunshine slowly filled the darkness and seeped through every corner of my room. Unconsciously, I thought that the darkness I felt with this unrequited love has been my own doing. Just like my room and the window blinds, I chose to keep it all walled up inside of me blocking every possible sunlight. I could flick the blinds of my heart open anytime to let the light of love shine through my dark, damaged heart. But no, I can’t. The choice of light has never been on me. It has always been hers.

I looked down my window. My apartment is located at the 3rd floor of the complex. I could see from here the neighbourhood. Early morning joggers have started to pace back and forth along the side of the street. Some of my elderly neighbours have gathered below the corner, forming a small circle. They looked engrossed with whatever they were talking about. Gossip maybe. Men and women in their business suits head towards their cars, perhaps on their way to their offices. Dogs and even cats have also littered the street along with their respective owners. Even the birds swooped up and down the sky as they landed one by one along the branches of the big tree near my window.

I sighed. “How could the world move forward? How come everyone have their own lives to live while I lose hope in mine? How come time won’t stop still while I try to mend my broken heart?”

It was pointless blaming the world of my love woes. I know this and yet I long for something to blame, someone to blame. But who was to blame? Me? Her? No, not her. Perhaps I could blame her boyfriend. No, I can’t because that would be unfair. The society? Yes. The society where we live in. Loving someone comes with a set of rules. Love isn’t absolute. Love is limited. Love is not for everyone. These have been what the society has been telling me. Imposing laws and rules forcing hearts like mine to cower in the darkness and embrace the frustration of not being able to express my love to her.

I could honestly not see the difference between the love of a man and woman with that of a woman and another woman. It’s still love after all. And this is why I can blame the society. They see love as a stereotype emotion. Only between a man and a woman. How cruel. How unfortunate. My love for her is damned. I have been damned all along. The blinds of my heart are still kept shut begging to be opened someday. And just like every other day for the past 3 years of my life, I felt sick again. Sick of this damned love.

So Much for Love

April 2013. 8:00 AM.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I just got out of the shower when I heard my phone ring. I haven’t checked it since I left school yesterday. 4 missed calls from Taeyeon and 5 messages. I randomly scanned the messages. One message was from Hyoyeon. I tapped my phone to view her message.

“Hey Tiff, you’ve been MIA in my life for years now. Be there at the club later. I miss you! Time to shake that booty ;)” - 7:10 AM.

I scrolled past her message. This time my heart skipped a beat as I saw her name on my phone. I tapped and opened her messages. 4 messages from her.

“Fany? Where did you go?” – 8:22 PM

“Fany. I was hoping to personally congratulate you with your song. It was amazing! I knew you could do it your voice was awesome! By the way, I looked for you after class but they told me you left in a hurry.” – 9:10 PM

“Good night Fany, my best friend. I love youuuuuu! Awesome composer!! Jjang! :)” – 11:08 PM

“Good morning Fany! Dookong says good morning to Totoro. By the way, I’m hoping I could present my song composition tonight at class. I made it for Wooyoung. Do you think he’ll like it if he hears it? See you later honey Fany!” – 7:48 AM

Oh Taeyeon. Such sweet torture to see your “I love yous”. I could never be more than just a best friend. Never. 2 years ago you made that clear to me.

February 2011. 9:00 PM.

Everyone from the Arts and Music Academy were invited to the Valentine’s Ball sponsored by the Performing Arts Department. Me, Taeyeon and some of our friends from the Music, Acting and Dance Department were present. There were 9 of us, who since our 1st year in school, have felt bonded over time like sisters. We’ve come a long way since then, supporting each other through hard times. We were always cheering for each other during performances and lending shoulders for each one to cry on whenever a professor or instructor started bitching out on our lack of potential. I loved these 8 girls. But one of them is special. I love her more than I loved anyone.

I was excited today. It was a pre-Valentine ball and I get to be with Taeyeon to spend the night with. Who knows I could get lucky and slow dance with her. The ball took place at the great hall of our school. Seats were formed at the sides while the center was left open and served as the dance floor. The platform stage was elevated and the school DJ was playing love song remixes. The music was upbeat. Love is in the air. I glanced at the eight people sitting with me at the seats reserved for us. We were having fun.

School term was about to end and I could not wait to spend a few days of vacation. This Valentine’s party was just the first of my many fun nights, I thought to myself. My train of thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Taeyeon nudged me.

“Honey Fany, you were zoning out. Still looking for your Valentine’s date?”, she smirked.

“Stop calling me Honey Fany, I’m not your honey Tae.”, I smiled.

“Why can’t I? I’m your best friend. I can call you anything I want. Honey Fany.” I blushed with her words. Good thing the lighting was dim. No one could notice the bright pink shade I’ve had in my face.

Our friends shifted their attention towards us. “Look at these two bickering. Just stop and kiss already okay.”, Sooyoung, from the Acting Department, commented.

“Yeah. It’s V-day anyway. What more perfect time to confess your love for each other?”, Yoona, also from the Acting Department, snickered.

“H-huh? What are you all t-talking about? W-we were just playing around. Yeah. That’s it.”, I quickly excused myself to the restroom and left in a hurry. I could feel my fingers shaking. My breathing erratic. My heart pounding. My cheeks blushing. I could not believe myself. I had been stuttering.

“Shit.”, I muttered. “How could I be more obvious?” I sighed.

I went back to our seats after gaining my composure. All of their backs were turned on me but I could still hear their conversations.

“...c’mon. Stop teasing us. We’re just best friends. Don’t get me wrong. I love her but just not in that way like how Yuri here loves Jessica. No offense, I respect you two Jess, Yuri and your relationship, but me and Tiffany? Nope. We’re just best friends. I could never see myself be with a girl. I mean, hello? Me? A lesbian?”

I felt my fragile heart leap out of my chest and take a plunge at a deep well. I could not get it back. It has been dragging my whole being along with it. Taeyeon’s words just now sucked the life out of me. It’s been a year since I’ve realized that I love her. I have been careful not to show it to her or to anyone in particular for fear of rejection. But like a speeding bullet, her rejection pierced through my heart. I did not expect it. It was harsh. It was cold.

“Oh, there you are Fany unnie. Why don’t we go to the dance floor?” I was startled. I looked up. It was Seohyun from the Instrumental Music Department. She stood up from her seat and grabbed my hand as we head out to the dance floor leaving everyone confused.

“Did she just hear me?” Taeyeon asked the group as I walked past, forcing an excited smile to Seohyun, pretending to be unaffected with her words.

I could not help but feel grateful to Seohyun for dragging me out of that awkward as hell situation. I even think that she knows what I feel. She sympathized for me but I could not care less. I just need to distract myself. I drowned everything out with the music. So much for the Valentine’s spirit. So much for Taeyeon breaking my heart.

Not Alone

April 2013. 10:05 AM.

I sat on my couch reading my class notes while singing along to Pink’s song, Just Give Me A Reason as it blares through my stereo. Whenever I felt down and broken hearted, I turn to music to cheer me up. I just feel like belting all of my feelings and emotions.

Ding dong. Ding dong.

I got up and walked towards my door. Who could it be? Could it be Taeyeon?

I opened the door knob and saw Jessica. “Hi Tiff!”, she greeted sweetly.

“Jessi, I miss you!”, I said as I hugged her. I ushered her inside while she handed me a small plastic bag. I opened it and I beamed. It was a small pink box! I carefully laid it down the kitchen table to check what’s inside. A sweet smell caught my nose as I picked the small cake from the box.

It was a strawberry cake. All pink. I laughed at it. I’ve been feeling all miserable lately that the thoughtfulness of Jessica’s action warmly touched my heart.

“Do you like it?”, she asked. “I was around your neighbourhood and saw this newly opened cafe at the corner. They have lots of mouth watering pastries down there.”, she said while smiling at me.

“Of course I do! I like it, no wait. I love it!”, I squealed. Aside from Taeyeon, Jessica is also one of my best friends. More like my sister. Both of us grew up in America and knew each other back then before transferring here in Korea. Jessica is Yuri’s girlfriend for 4 years now. I looked at her, envying the love that they have. Sure it wasn’t perfect. But it was enough for both of them. They were both good enough for each other. It was something that I doubt Taeyeon would ever feel towards me.

Jessica took two forks and saucers from the cupboard and placed it in the kitchen table. We made small talks about the weather and how our week went. We talked

about her and Yuri and their future plans together. I showed her how happy I was for them. I always am.

“When will you start thinking about your future Tiff?”, Jessi’s tone turned serious and looked at me straight into my eyes.

“What do you mean Jess? I told you that after graduating I’ll work hard to audition in musicals or perhaps ask my dad to start my own music studio and produce my own compositions. My future will always be about my love for music Jess. I told yo—“

“Your future with Taeyeon. Think about it.”, Jessica interrupted me. I was taken aback. She wasn’t asking me. She was more like demanding it from me.

“I don’t understand you Jess. Of course Taeyeon’s my best friend. We’ll be like that still.”, I said. I was hoping that she did not hear the strain in my voice as I spoke.

Instead of saying something, she grabbed her bag and took out her phone. She tapped into something and showed me what was in the screen. There I was standing in the classroom platform. It was a video of my performance last night. I

heard myself sing “Love Sick”. My very own song composition. My song for Taeyeon.

“Where did you get that? That was last night.”, I asked her.

“Oh well, apparently, you have been the star of the night. One of your classmates took a video of you while performing. It’s been circulating around campus. You were amazing here. Everyone loved it. I love it too, except for the part where you sang your heart out and exposing how hurt you are for loving her.”, Jessica stated in as- a-matter-of-factly manner.

I put on the widest smile possible. I tried to keep the eye contact with Jessica. She knows about my secret now. But my pride will just not let me admit defeat. Jessica knows me as the go-getter girl. Heck I even fought tooth and nail with my dad when he wanted me to take up a business course instead of pursuing my passion for music. Just like any of my dreams and goals, love is something I fight hard for. I won’t let it make me look like a loser, especially in the eyes of Jessica.

“I’m glad you like it. I know I’m the best composer in class right now. I bet my classmates would have a hard time exceeding my achievement.” I said cheerfully hoping she’d drop the topic. I’m just not ready to admit that I love Taeyeon and she could not love me back. That would suck.

“Shut up Tiff. Stop this pretense. It’s been years since you’ve been pretending. Do you really think that I’m blind? Taeyeon may be blind but I’m not. Please just talk about it. It’s hard to fight your battles alone.”, She was glaring at me. She does this when she knows that I’m lying.

“I’m sorry Jessi, I just don’t want you to see me like this...” Sniff. “I’m sorry. I just can’t take it anymore. 3 years is long enough...” Sniff. “It’s too painful.... I don’t know if I can hold on....” Sniff sniff. My voice trailed off as tears dropped from my eyes. I sobbed. My cries grew louder and louder. I cried hard.

“Shhh.. I know. I know. I can’t bear to see you get hurt Tiff. I love you..”, Jessica cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears away with her hanky. “Just cry if you want to. Let it all out. I’m here for you. Your friends are here for you. You can’t be strong all the time. There’s a time to love and a time to love yourself more.”

I cried more. I felt my walls break down. I tried to keep it all within me for as long as I can, but hearing Jessica’s words I know now is not the right time to act strong. I felt like a part of my burden has been lifted up. It was overwhelming. I'm not alone now. I'm not alone.

First Time

April 2013. 1:20 PM.

I went to school feeling conflicted with my emotions. Jessica stayed with me until lunch and parted ways when we reached school. She was in a rush for practice of her own interpretation of Legally Blonde to which she’ll present to class. Before she left she hugged me tight and assured me that my secret is safe with her. After I cried in her arms, I told her that I'm not yet ready to talk about it. I just needed her support. She was very understanding of me, and I could only feel thankful.

I could not help but feel relieved knowing that I have Jessi to comfort me now. I sat on one of the benches in the school grounds as I waited for my 2:00 PM class. I know I’ll be seeing Taeyeon later. We have been classmates since our first year at school. We’ve been inseparable since then. I smiled at the memory of our first meeting.

January 2009. 9:30 AM.

It was a cold morning. I was 17 years old back then. After passing the written exam, interview and live performance; I finally got my lifelong dream. I was accepted at the Arts and Music Academy. I stood by the gates of the school taking it all in. I felt happy yet terribly scared. I was so unsure. It was so surreal to me as I slowly made my way into the large campus. I found my way into the Admissions Center of the school where I saw boys and girls from different walks of life lining up to complete the admission and registration process.

I scanned the room hoping for someone familiar. I felt so alone and unsure of things. It has only been a month since I have lived in South Korea. My sister accompanied me here from States and helped me as we settled my apartment which was located 4 blocks from the school campus. She had to go back to States for her job so I’m left all by myself now in an unfamiliar environment. My Korean still sucks. I was still having a hard time understanding some words but I still pretended to act confident.

I was lost in my own thoughts when some guy bumped into me causing me to fall and hit the ground butt first. “Ouch!”, I yelped. The guy immediately apologized and sped away. I was furious. Suddenly, a girl approached me and helped me up.

She grabbed my wrist and asked, “Miss, are you okay?”

I was still busy patting my butt and muttering curses to look at the person talking. But there was something in her voice that made me turn my head towards its direction. I was probably gaping with my jaw open. She snapped her fingers at my face.

“Ehem. Did you by chance hit your head on the ground too?” She asked with a look of concern on her face. She looked like 10-year old kid with her bangs covering her forehead. She looked so cute. She was like a baby. Fluffy. Squishy. Cuddly.

“Uhhm no. I’m fine, just a bump. Nothing serious. Uhm. My butt is okay. Errmm. I mean, I’m good. I’m cool. Yeah. I am.” I mentally smacked myself. What the heck was I saying? I was totally lost for words with the look she was giving me. Her eyes were like glistening marbles. It’s as if those pair of round crystal-like marbles were staring straight into my soul. I did not dare break our eye contact.

We stood there for a few minutes until she slapped my butt lightly. My eyes widened. “Hey! What was that for?”

“Checking your butt? I mean, if it’s okay now? Hehe.”, she grinned.

“You’re unbelievable.” I tried to hide my embarrassment.

“Nope. I’m not unbelievable. I’m Kim Taeyeon. Incoming freshman majoring in Vocal Music. And you?”

“Really? I’m an incoming freshman too. We have the same major! That’s cool! Oh well, I’m Hwang Miyoung, but please call me with my American name since I’m from America. Tiffany Hwang.” I smiled as I extended my hand towards her direction. I tried to act cool in front of her.

“Tippani?” She asked. “No, it’s Tiffany. Teee faaaa neeee.” I tried to emphasize my name.

“Whatever Captain America.”, she grinned. “Are you done with the registration?”

“I was just about to register. If you don’t mind, can you help me with it? Since we’re both Vocal Music majors. I hope it’s really okay with you.” I sounded like I was begging her. Maybe I was just desperate for someone to be with me in this unfamiliar place.

“Sure. It’s my pleasure!” She smiled and did something with her hands trying to imitate a cartoon character or something. What a dork. I felt relieved. I'm not alone now.

“Thanks!” I gave her my eye smile. She smiled at me too showing her chin dimples. She grabbed my hand as we walked towards the room. Little did I know that it would be the first of our many moments together. Since then we became the best of friends. Until my stupid heart decided to mess it all up by falling in love with her making me feel like the first time I stood by the campus gates. Happy, scared and unsure.

Can't Take It

April 2013. 1:42 PM.

The cool breeze swept through my body as I heard the rustling of the leaves from the trees lined up in the campus grounds. I have been thinking of how thankful I am to have met Taeyeon when I was in need of someone to be at my side. I glanced at my wrist watch. 1:42 PM.

“I should probably head out to my class now.”, I said to myself as I grabbed my bag. I was about to stand up from the bench when I felt a pair of warm hands cover my eyes, blocking my view.

“Hmnnn...”, I touched the pair of hands. I tried to feel the knuckles and fingers. I felt something cold, like a piece of metal. Was it a ring? Who could this person be? “Who is it? C’mon, I’m gonna be late for class if you don’t take your hands off my eyes.”

“Geez. So grumpy!”, she took her hands off my eyes and faced me. Before I could react, she gave me a peck in my right cheek before pinching the left one. I was surprised with her actions. She looked at me laughing.

“Yah. Why so sneaky? And why are you so happy today?”, I asked as I grabbed her hand as we walked towards our classroom. Secretly, my heart was swelling inside. She kissed my cheek. She only does that when she's excited about something.

“Honey Fany!!! I want you to be the first one to see this.” She talked excitedly. Her voice was high pitched. She was almost shouting her words. She looked really happy. Then she showed me her right hand. There was a ring on it. A ring. A silver ring. A ring on her ring finger. Fuck. Shit. Just fuck this shit.

She waved her right hand at my face then twirling it around as she marvelled at its beauty. “It’s from Wooyoung. He dropped by my apartment this morning. He said that this is a promise ring. Oh my. You should have seen it Fany. He was so romantic. He sang me a love song and gave me flowers. I was actually crying. I’m so happy!” My ears could have bled right then and there. Hearing her so happy with him was another death of me. She ended her speech and hugged me tight. I hugged her back then pulled out.

“Oh my. Are you crying too?”, Taeyeon asked me with her soft angel-like voice.

“What? Oh yeah.” I responded as I took out my hanky to wipe droplets of tears that were slowly pouring down. I felt sick. My insides were tumbling down. My head was spinning. “Tears of joy.” I lied.

“Awww. Thanks Fany. You know, I’m so lucky to have two of the most amazing persons in my life. Wooyoung and you, my best friend.” She hugged me again. This time it was a gentle hug. She snaked her hands on my waist and slowly rubbed my back. We stayed that way for almost 5 minutes. It took all of my strength to hold back the tears. I pulled out from the hug and grabbed her hand as I walked in front of her with my head bent down. We walked inside the classroom and I placed my things on my desk. I let go of her hand. She sat beside me. Our professor walked in. Class was about to start.

“...and that is why song composition is a skill, a talent, a passion that should never be taken for granted. Last night I already asked one of your classmate to perform her own song composition. Tonight, why don’t we have another one? Any volunteer?”

My professor expectantly looked at the class. My classmates were eyeing me. I could hear some of my classmates murmuring. “I’m so nervous. Last night Hwang did a great job. She set the bar so high.” I swelled with pride as I heard them.

“Me, professor! I’d like to try.” It was Taeyeon. She stood up in the platform in front. If there was someone brave enough to perform in front, that would definitely be Taeyeon. Taeyeon was one of the best singers in our class. Her voice was something one could not just simply ignore. She sang like an angel. Her voice was soft. But she could be fierce too. Her high notes were the best. She was a total performer. She looked awesome. She looked like an angel.

“This song is for my boyfriend, Wooyoung. I made this song when I thought of him. I hope he likes it, and I hope you would enjoy it too.”

My heart felt like there was nothing left to be broken. It was all empty. Just a big void. The ring he gave her was too much to bear. The song that she’s about to sing is just plain torture. Brutal torture. I felt my eyes feel watery. I can’t take this anymore. I just can’t. I know Wooyoung is good for her. They have been dating for two years already. He was a friend of Taecyeon, who was friends with our group. I introduced Wooyoung to Taeyeon. My biggest regret. He is 2 years older than her. He is passionate about music too. He is charming. He is also a gentleman. He is the lover of the love of my life.

Screw this.

“Here goes my song...”

All My Love is For You

Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah oh

My reflection was in the window of the train I boarded in the new town. My eyes seemed uneasy. You taught me not to forget my true self I wonder if you’re even shining now

The flowing scenery made me take a deep breath. And looking up the sky’s horizon I hear your voice

Even if you leave me far away, if I close my eyes, your heart will be near All my love is for you Nothing left to lose Because I know the meaning and strength of your love more than anybody else

Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah Eyy yeah

Because I know its strength

Your love has lightened Because of the slanted world, it seems like I’m tumbling down You supported me Even standing on a shaking train Your simple smile is the best

Even if the world ends, I will believe in your smiling face for---

I stood up. I grabbed my belongings and walked over to the professor. I told him I’m not feeling well and asked if I could excuse myself from his class. He agreed. I left hurriedly while Taeyeon was still singing. I glanced at her, she looked confused but still continued to sing.

"I'm sorry Tae. I need to go." I mouthed, as I disappearred from her view.

My ears, my mind, my eyes, my heart can’t take it anymore.

I went out of the school building and hailed a cab and went back to my apartment.

Heart Warming

April 2013. 3:39 PM.

I ran up to my apartment and closed the door shut. I placed my bag in the bed and took off my clothes. I went to the bathroom and immersed myself in the bathtub. My heart felt numb. I felt like my eyes had a dam. Holding back so many tears inside. Well, that dam is just about to burst when one by one my tears streamed continuously.

I felt the warm water against my body. It felt good. I closed my eyes despite the steady flow of my tears. I thought about the things that led me to this predicament. I thought about Taeyeon.

March 2009. 8:10 PM

Taeyeon brought me to this ramen house somewhere in the outskirts of the city. The view here was great. There were so many trees around. Lately I’ve had a hard time adjusting to living alone. I felt homesick. The long distance calls I made to my family back in the States did not help that much. Sure, I made the decision to follow my heart and fulfill my dreams but I did not know that this was going to be hard.

I’ve been bullied by some of my classmates earlier today. They were laughing at my jumbled Korean words and my “annoying” American accent. Only Taeyeon stood up for me. She was always there to protect me.

“Are you still thinking about what happened earlier?, she asked as she looked at me with her soft facial expressions that showed concern.

“Just a bit. I was actually thinking of how to thank you for standing up against them.”, I smiled at her.

“Oh really? You know Tippany, I will always be here for you. We’re friends you know. I will not let those meanies get a hand on you. I’d smack their mouth shut for you.”, She smiled as she told me those words with all sincerity.

I was touched.

“But still I want to thank you.”, I replied.

“Well, tomorrow is my birthday. My parents are coming over from Jeonju. I want you to join us for dinner. Please?”, she pouted. She looked so irresistibly cute. I pinched her cheeks.

“It’s your birthday tomorrow! You did not tell me ahead. I should get you a gift.”, I exclaimed.

“Hmn.. Just be my best friend. That would be the best gift you could ever give.”, She smiled as she stared straight into my eyes.

“Fair enough. My friendship is priceless. We’ll be best friends!” I said with my loud voice. I was excited. I was happy.

“Thanks!”, she giggled and hugged me.

August 2009. 10:22 PM.

I just got back from a dinner with my friends Jessica, Sooyoung, Yuri, Sunny, Hyoyeon, Seohyun and Yoona. We were from different departments from the Arts and Music Academy but got together as a group when we befriended each other during a school event. Except for Jessica whom I have known since way back, all of the girls were practically my new friends. I invited them to dinner since it was my birthday. It was the first time I celebrated my birthday without my family and I could not help but feel sad.

I felt even more sad when Taeyeon could not make it to the dinner. She had to go back to her hometown for some minor family emergency. How I wish she was here.

It was already late when I got back from my apartment. I felt tired and lonely once again.

“Way to go Tiffany Hwang. Happy Birthday!”, I silently said to myself.

Just then I heard my doorbell ring. Who could it be? It’s late now. I opened my door to check who’s behind it.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!”

A dozen pink balloons were now floating inside my living room. I was shocked. I looked at Taeyeon who was now dressed in an all pink shirt with matching hot pink pants and a light pink sneakers.

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

“Awww.. I believe it’s time for you to hug me and say ‘Thank you best friend, I love you’”, she joked as she went near me while I tried to muffle my cries. I was so touched with her gesture. It was so sweet of her. And I thought that I could not see her on my birthday. God. Thank you for this person.

“Come here.”, she held my hand and led me to the living room. She made me sit on the couch as she placed a box. She got out the cake from the box and rushed to the kitchen to get a match. She painstakingly lit 18 candles on the cake.

I sat there silently watching her. Tears were still coming from my eyes. I could not explain the happiness I felt at that moment.

“Here. Blow the candles now!”, she took her phone and snapped a picture of me and the cake.

Poooff. Pooff. I blew all the candles. “Thank you Taeyeon. Thanks best friend. I love you so much.”, I whispered to her as I made my wish to myself. I wish to be friends with her for forever.

“What did you wish for?” she asked.

“Oh nothing. I wished for you to grow taller.” I smirked as I head out towards the kitchen. I ran and she caught up to me smacking my butt.

“Why you.. You ungrateful piece of beauty.” She looked like a mad woman who had gone nuts. We were running around laughing and bickering. It was one of the most memorable birthdays I’ve ever had.

December 2010. 2:12 PM.

Winter season has now started. I caught a flu when Sooyoung and I went to the night market the other day. The weather was really cold. I have been sneezing the whole day. Taeyeon called this morning and she was invinting me to watch a movie with her but told her I’m stuck here in my apartment because I caught a flu.

Ding dong. Ding dong.

I got up from my bed still clutching my blanket. If there was one thing I dreaded about living alone, it was me getting sick. I practically have to take care of myself and buy my own medicines. It was something I hated. I pitied myself, and I hate self-pity.

I opened the door and saw Taeyeon. She just walked inside my apartment and headed straight towards the kitchen. I heard a few clanking of plates and spoons. I was too exhausted to follow her so I just sat on my couch.

“Hi. I thought you need this.”, she handed me a bowl of porridge and a glass of water. She took out something from her pocket, which looked like a medicine tablet. She held out her hand and felt my forehead.

“Omo, you’re burning hot.” She took the spoon from the porridge and gently blew on it. I looked at her like a kid waiting for her mommy to feed her. But that’s what she just did. She fed me. We stayed like that silently. Talking only with our eyes. She made me drink the medicine which looked and tasted nasty to me. But she cheered on.

“Come on baby. You’re a big girl now. Take your medicine.”, she cooed gently as I obeyed her. Taking the tablet in just one gulp.

“Thanks Tae. Really thank you.” My voice was hoarse. I looked at her. She understood. She grabbed my shoulders and gently pulled me into a hug. She stood up as she took a small basin and a towel and placed it on my forehead. She made me lie on her lap while washing my face with the soaked towel. She sang me a lullaby while I drifted off to sleep.

Even my family has never taken care of me like the way she takes care of me. It was heart warming. It was good. No, it was the best.

Unique

April 2013. 4:11 PM.

I almost fell asleep in the bathtub. I felt tired and hungry. I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I grabbed some leftover fried rice that I made yesterday and heated it. I sighed remembering Taeyeon and all the unique things that she did for me.

September 2009. 8:15 AM.

Ding dong. Ding dong.

I opened the door only to see Taeyeon standing before me.

“Hi Tae.” Yawn. I was still sleepy. “Come in.”

“Good morning Tippany! The sun is up, it’s going to be a beautiful day.” She said while jumping up and down on my living room.

“Can you just call me Fany, it’s much easier for you to say that.” I yawned again. I sat on the couch and went back to reading a novel that I bought in the bookstore. I peered through the book as I asked her, “What brings you here Tae?”

She leaned on the couch and stared at the ceiling. “Hmnn. Pany? Paa neee. Nope. Pfaany. Fahhh neee. Fany.” She slowly muttered. “Fany! There! I finally got it. Woohoo!” She yelled as she jumped up and down again while waving her hands up in the air like an idiot. She was smiling like crazy.

I giggled. What a dork. “Ehem. I’m asking you, what brings you here? It’s 8 in the morning and it’s Sunday.”

She stopped jumping and sat beside me on the couch. “Oh. I know this sounds embarrassing, but I ran out of food. Those shikshins Sooyoung and Yoona went to my apartment yesterday and ate everything in my fridge.” She pouted at me, her eyes closed. “Can you please, kind, beautiful, generous, talented best friend of mine spare me some food?”

I was laughing hard at her now. “Hahahaha. I can’t believe you. Why don’t you just stop by the grocery store and buy your own.”

“I will, later. But right now I’m just so hungry. Please? Food?” She got up the couch and kneeled in front of me.

“Stand up there Tae. I don’t have a beggar for a best friend.” I grabbed her hand as we walked to the kitchen. “Help yourself.”

She opened the fridge immediately and gasped. “Where’s the food Fany?”

“What do you mean? There are leftover pizzas and hamburgers right there. And oh, I have softdrinks at the bottom shelf too."

“Tsk Tsk Tsk. These are not food. These are all fast food stuff. And no they are not real food.”, she looked disappointed.

I closed the fridge and sat on a chair. “I’m sorry okay. I don’t know how to cook. I just order food. I really want to give you “real” food or nutritious food like what Seohyun usually gives us during break time, but I don’t know.” I looked down realizing how lacking I am when it comes to cooking skills. No one ever taught me how to cook.

“Shhh. It’s okay Fany. I’m sorry too. I’m just not used to fast food, especially American food.” She held my hands and tapped my head. “Why don’t you change and let’s go out and buy you some real food. I’ll be your personal chef for the day, and if you’re not lazy, I’ll teach you how to cook.” She smiled at me.

My heart swelled at her words. She has always been patient and accepting of my shortcomings. I changed my clothes as we head out to the grocery store. When we got back, she cooked fried rice for me and taught me how to do it. Before she left, she gave me pieces of papers with recipes scribbled on them with her own hand writing. She was the best best friend, best chef and best cooking teacher I ever had.

November 2010. 8:16 PM.

I have been dating Donghae for almost 2 weeks now. It wasn’t really serious; I was just bored and had a lot of free time in between classes. Taeyeon has been consistent on not liking him for me. Rumors about his womanizing activities were not new. But still I decided to go on dates with him anyway; we would just watch movies together and talk about anything under the sun. Our most intimate moment was kissing on the lips. More like just a peck on the lips.

One night I saw him walking out from the movie house with a girl in tow. They stopped for a minute before making out at the sidewalk. I was with Taeyeon that time. I was not surprised to see him with another girl. I honestly did not mind at all. Well, my ego was hurt but that’s just it. What surprised me was what Taeyeon did next. She grabbed Donghae’s collar and punched his nose. Wow. This midget sure has the strength of a giant.

Donghae looked up and saw me. I walked over and slapped him as his nose bled from Taeyeon’s punch.

“Don’t ever go near Tiffany again you asshole!”, Taeyeon shouted and glared at him. I’ve never seen her so mad like this. She grabbed my hand as we walked away from them. As we reached the corner of the street, she looked at me and hugged me gently. Her hands were rubbing my back up and down. I could feel her warmth radiating on my body.

‘I’m sorry Fany. Forget him, he doesn’t deserve you anyway. You are the best girl any guy could ask for. He was just blind.” She said softly.

I smiled with Taeyeon’s words. She really knows how to cheer me up. I love the way she comforts me. If every guy cheating on me would make Taeyeon hug me like this then I don't mind being cheated on for a hundred times. And with that I felt my heart skip a beat.

January 2011. 12:04 PM.

Taeyeon and I were at the school cafeteria along with our friends. I was particularly thirsty during that day. I bought 2 bottles of freezing cold soda and gulped the sparkling liquid quickly.

“Wow. Look who’s thirsty.” Sunny exclaimed as she poked my back.

Gulp. “Yeah. I don’t know, perhaps the voice excercise we did a while ago got me thirsty.” I replied.

“But unnie, wouldn’t it be bad for your voice if you drink cold beverages?” Seohyun, the health conscious among the group said. She was right, but stubborn as I am I ignored her and continued to drink.

“I don’t care Seo. I’m just thirsty. But thanks for your concern anyway.”, I smiled at her. I looked at Taeyeon who was wearing an unreadable expression on her face. She just looked at me then stood up. She grabbed the two cold sodas and threw them in the garbage can.

“Kim Taeyeon! What do you think you’re doing?! Those are my drinks.” I hissed at her. She just stared at me with a blank expression. The atmosphere was tense. My friends kept silent. She leaned towards my ear and started to whisper something.

“I love the way you sing. The huskiness of your voice makes me want to listen to you more. When you talk with your loud mouth you never fail to catch my attention. And if it makes sense to you, I don’t want you to go ruin your precious voice just because you’re thirsty. Got it?” And with that she sat down and acted like nothing happened.

"Got it." I said to her. I smiled at her and apologized to everyone. I understand why she did it. It was her way of disciplining me. But still she was sweet. Everything she does to me is unique whether it be scolding me, disciplining me or protecting me. I can't help but feel special. My heart skipped a beat again.

Distraction

April 2013. 4:25 PM.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I left the kitchen and grabbed my phone. There are two messages on it. One from Hyoyeon and another from Taeyeon.

“Tiff, my offer’s still up. Please go to the club later. I’ll be waiting for you :)” – 4:13 PM

I remembered Hyo’s invitation. It’s been months since I went to the club owned by her family. Hyoyeon’s a part of the Dance Department and she owns the dance floor, literally and figuratively. She’s always fun to be with. I’ve been ditching her club invitations lately, but maybe this time I’ll be going. I checked my phone for the other message.

“Miyoung, can we talk? You’ve been acting weird lately. I’m worried.” – 4:22 PM

Miyoung. Taeyeon called me Miyoung. She only does this when she’s serious. She wants to talk to me. She thinks I’ve been acting weird lately.

“I’m sorry Tae. I’m just so in love with you that I can’t bear it anymore. It hurts. I can’t let you see me like this.”, I said to myself as I went to my closet and picked out a black mini dress that showed my shoulders and thighs. I’m going to let myself loose tonight. I’m tired of hurting.

6:50 PM.

I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the club. “CLUB TWINKLE”, the huge signboard sparkled with bright pink lights. Most of the clubbers here are from the Arts and Music Academy. The club has been a haven for those who wanted to relieve their stress or just wanted to have a good time. The 9 of us used to go here every night back when we weren’t so busy with school.

I entered the club as the bouncer led me to the VIP area, a private booth especially reserved for Hyo’s friends.

“Tiff! You’re here.”

“Oh my. I miss you. I love your red hair girl. Sexy outfit”

“Finally, it’s been 20 years! I thought you were swallowed alive by your apartment. Hahaha.”

I smiled at everyone and gave them all a peck in the cheeks. It was Hyoyeon, Sunny and Yuri. They were the “party people” of the group.

“Where’s Jessi? And the others?” I asked them.

“Sica’s with her parents tonight. I don’t know with the others. Hyo invited them. I don’t know if they’re coming.” Yuri said. She is also from the Dance Department along with Hyo, while Sunny is from the Vocal Music Department.

“C’mon Tiff. It’s been awhile. I know it’s tight with your school schedule but once in awhile you gotta have fun. Enjoy life.” Hyoyeon confidently stated. I smiled at her and nodded. “Besides, I wanted to tell you all that I got to be the lead dancer in our class presentation for next term’s showcase. I want to celebrate it with you guys.” She beamed.

“Wow! I knew you’d make it big time Hyo!” I clapped and cheered. Every one of us were cheering at her too, patting her back and head.

“So, for tonight. Let’s all have fun.” Hyo beckoned a waitress who brought along 2 champagnes and popped them open. Hyo took out wine bottles and poured out the sparkling white drink. We were all busy catching up with each other while taking a sip from our glasses. I took in more than anyone else. I loved the way alcohol takes my mind off things temporarily.

“Wow Tiff, you’ve been drinking your 10th glass now in just a matter of 15 minutes.” Sunny said as she looked at me with concern.

“Oh really? Did not notice. I love its taste. Mnnnn.” I said while putting down the glass. I stood up and excused myself to the restroom. I tried to walk straight. The alcohol has been taking effect now. As soon as I was done fixing myself, I headed straight to the dance floor.

The music was blaring. Bodies were dancing, grinding, bumping. Alcohol and music. Two of the things that could keep my mind off Taeyeon. Suddenly memories of her and Wooyoung flashed into my mind. I kept on seeing the ring on her finger. I remembered her song for him. I felt the pain once again. I can’t take it.

I grabbed a random guy and danced with him. I did not bother looking at his face while I shake my hips seductively. He placed his hands on my waist as he moved it lower. I could not care less. I turned around. My back was now on his chest and his hand on my belly. I danced along with the music as I closed the gap between our bodies.

For a moment there, I felt relieved to have another warm body next to me. My heart has been left out cold. I just needed a distraction. I grabbed his hand and led him towards a dim corner. I pushed him hard on the wall while I placed my hand on his neck. He understood as he bent his head lower. In just a few seconds, his lips were now crashing into mine. I nibbled on his lower lip. I parted my mouth and let my tongue out, asking for him to let it in his mouth. He obliged and with that our mouths explored each other’s as our tongues fought for dominance.

“Miyoung.”

I pulled back from the kiss and pushed the guy away.

That soft angel-like voice was calling my name.

I looked around and saw her.

“Taeyeon.”

Fight For Love

April 2013. 8:47 PM.

“Miyoung.”

I pulled back from the kiss and pushed the guy away.

That soft angel-like voice was calling my name.

I looked around and saw her. “Taeyeon.”

“Who is he?” Taeyeon was wearing a blank expression on her face. I know she saw me making out with that guy. But I could not tell what she feels.

“Ehem. I’m Choi Siwon.” The guy extended his hand towards Taeyeon.

“I’m not talking to you.” She snapped. She glared at Siwon. Shit. I’m in trouble. Taeyeon’s pissed.

“Uhm. He’s a friend of mine. Right? Siwon?” I took his hand and whispered something into his ear. “Wait for me outside. Please? I’ll just grab my purse."

“Okay sure.” He looked confused but obliged nonetheless. I looked at him as he head out towards the exit.

There was only awkwardness between Taeyeon and me. We stared at each other for a long time before I bent down my head. “Excuse me Tae. I’ll just grab my purse.” I went to the booth and hurriedly excused myself to my friends who were all looking confused with my early departure.

“Where are you going? Is he the reason why you’re being like this? Is the one you dedicated your song to? Is he the reason why you’re keeping things from me?” Taeyeon bombarded me with her questions. I refused to look at her. I made my way out but she grabbed my wrist tightly.

“Tae, you’re hurting me. You don’t know anything.” I said softly. Tears were now coming down my eyes.

“.....If it makes you happy. If he makes you happy. Then go.” Her tone was blank. There was no emotion in her words. She let go of me.

I rushed towards the exit while trying to wipe out the tears. “I’m sorry Tae.” I whispered.

I looked around the sidewalk and saw him standing near a car.

“Hi. I don’t know what you’re up to but it seems like you need a friend tonight.” He told me. He looked harmless. I was hesitant at first but I know he’s right. I need someone right now. I just need a friend right now.

“Friends?” I smiled. “Look I’m sorry about what I did back there. I was just impulsive. I just needed a distraction. I’ll just get this straight, I don’t like you.” I frankly stated.

“I know. I just want to help. It’s such a shame though. You’re a good kisser.” He smirked. I slapped his arm. He chuckled then apologized. “I’m sorry. But it’s true. Well, I promise I won’t bite and do something stupid or impulsive. But I’d like to take you somewhere else, to a coffee shop or something. Looks like you need to sober up.”

I was debating whether to go with this stranger. “Hmn. Promise you won’t bite?” I asked him seriously.

“Hahaha. I won’t. Now hop in.” He laughed as he opened his car door for me. The drive was silent and short. We stopped at Starbucks. He held out the car door for me as he led us into a table and ordered as hot coffee and some cookies.

“I guess we haven’t formally introduced each other. I’m Choi Siwon. I’m the Vice President of Choi Corperation. You know, the company that exports car parts. Our main branch is in Japan. I’m just here in Korea for a business trip.”

“Im Tiffany Hwang, I’m a student at Arts and Music Academy. I’ll be graduating next term. My friend owns the club, and I’m broken hearted and drunk and I just made out with you just for the fun of it.” I said.

“Hahaha. I love your bluntness. Don’t worry. I’m engaged to be married next month. Let’s just forget about the making out part. I don’t want my girlfriend to know that I’m cheating on her. I love her you know. And you there just grabbed me out of nowhere.” He smiled as he took a sip from his coffee. “You’re really interesting though Tiffany. Tell me who is this bastard who broke your heart. What did he do to you?”

“I’m sorry about you’re girl. I did not mean it. Yeah, we should just forget about it. You seem like a cool friend though. You remind me of my brother, sans the making out part coz that would be awkward.” I chuckled. “Hmn..” I continued.

“The one who broke my heart? It’s a “she” not a “he”.” I said carefully.

“Oh. I did not know you swing that way. I’m not judging you, I have friends who are like that too. Let me guess, she’s the one in the club who snapped at me earlier?” He said.

I nodded. “I’m not really gay. I mean, I don’t feel attracted with other girls. It was just her. She’s my best friend and I just fell in love with her. I’ve had boyfriends and flings in the past, but my love for her is just...” I stopped. I could not find the right words to describe my love for Taeyeon.

“Your love for her is just what?” He pried.

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s what keeps me going everyday and it’s also what keeps me dying inside. But she has a boyfriend you know. It’s hurting me. She doesn’t even know that I love her more than just a best friend. As much as I’d like to tell her that I love her, I can’t. I know she’ll only reject me. It’s going to be all or nothing. I don’t want to lose our friendship.”

“Hmnn. You got yourself in really deep. But you know, you haven’t really told her about how you feel. Maybe you should. What ifs are not really good Tiffany. You seem like a girl who’s easy to fall in love with. You could be every man’s or woman’s dream girl.”

“You’re a nice guy Siwon. Thanks.”

“Nice guys don’t always get the girl Tiffany. I used to be the nice guy before and sacrificed my love for the girl that I loved. Until one day I decided to stop being the nice guy and fight for my love.” He looked at me straight into my eyes. “Now look at me. I’m getting married.”

I sighed at his words. Fight for my love? I don’t know. It was a losing battle.

“You don’t always have to be the nice ‘guy’. Sometimes you have to fight for love even if it looks hopeless. At the end of the day, whether you win or lose, at least you could tell yourself that you did everything. You don’t have to live your life thinking about ‘what ifs’. If you really love her that much, then fighting for her will really be worth it. Think about it.”

I stared into the distance and thought about it. Yes I’ll be thinking about it.

Siwon and I chatted some more about his business and his girlfriend. We got comfortable with each other; it was like I found a long lost brother. We exchanged phone numbers. He dropped me off to my apartment as I thanked him and wished him good luck and good night.

I couldn’t sleep thinking about his words.

“Sometimes you have to fight for love even if it looks hopeless.”

Why?

April 2013. 5:11 PM.

It has been 3 days since that incident at the club. Taeyeon and I weren’t talking to each other. I tried to call her that night but she wouldn’t return my calls. I tried to approach her in class only to find myself talking to no one. The only thing that kept my mind occupied was the midterm exams. I busied myself studying in class. I would sneak a few glances of Taeyeon but she would just look straight ahead. The last time that we fought over something and ignored each other was last year. It lasted for 2 weeks before she finally talked to me. I had to sing to her in front of the class and give her dookong peas every day before she forgave me. I felt sad relieving those memories.

October 2012. 11:08 AM.

Taeyeon and I were in her apartment. I came over to ask her some help about a song that I’d be reciting in class. It was quite difficult for me to reach the high notes while Taeyeon seems to do it with ease. I was beginning to feel frustrated but she would just patiently coach me. Suddenly her phone rang. Taeyeon answered the call and went towards her bedroom. I wondered why she had to take that call far from me. I tried to listen to what she was talking about and I could barely make out her words.

“Hello Jiwong Oppa.”

“Yes, Tiffany is still here in my apartment.”

“Can’t you do anything about it? Please?”

“I know. I know. I’ll ask her to leave then. It’s not like I have a choice.”

“I understand. Thanks Oppa.”

I pretended to hum out my song when she got out of the bedroom. “Tae, who was that on the phone?” I asked her.

“It’s nothing.” She said. She was fidgeting, and spinning her phone. She paced back and forth. She placed her hand on her forehead and wiped her sweat. She was sweating. She looked nervous.

“Tae, are you okay?” I asked her calmly as I reached out for her hand.

Slap.

“What’s wrong?” My voice thundered throughout her apartment. I was shocked. She just slapped my hand hard away from her.

She looked away and turned her back on me. “Nothing. Can you just go home now Fany? I’m really not in the mood. You’re really annoying me right now.”

“What the hell? Are you bipolar or something? Just a few minutes ago you were very patient with me and now...” I tried to lower my voice as I spoke but it was no use. I lost control of my emotions. The words from my mouth just came tumbling down.

“So this has been Wooyoung’s influence on you huh. You know, we rarely spend time with each other nowadays, and I’m just asking a small favor from you right now to help me out with this damn song. You need not be rude to me if you don’t feel like it.”

“What has Wooyoung got to do with this Fany? I haven’t been spending more time with you because I’ve been busy.” She was now yelling at me as she faced me with her intense gaze.

“Yeah right. Busy fucking him.” I said without even thinking first. My eyes widened with horror as I realized what I’ve done.

“I’m sorry Tae. I did not mean that.” My voice softened trying to fix the situation.

“Wow Fany. You really got the nerve to bring that up when you’re also busy flirting with Taecyeon! Was he a good fuck?” She hissed.

We were both staring at each other with our fist closed. Tears were now forming in my eyes. I blinked and one teardrop fell. I was breathing hard and so was Taeyeon.

“I’m going to pretend that this conversation did not happen Tae.” I picked up my stuff and head towards the door. Before stepping out, I looked back at her.

“I’m really sorry. You could have just told me that you don’t want me around. I just lost control of my temper. I apologize for dragging Wooyoung into this. I know he’s a good man and I trust you. I love you Taeyeon..... my best friend.” I said to her as I walked out without waiting for her reply.

I walked home after that. I kept thinking about what happened. I know I heard Taeyeon and her brother talk on the phone. I even heard my name being mentioned. She wanted me to leave her apartment but why? I’ve met Taeyeon’s family a couple of times and they seemed really nice. I’m fond of her dad who treats me just like his own daughter. Her mom was nice too but we weren’t that close. I bonded with Jiwong Oppa and Hayeon before. I really don’t understand what’s happening.

I kicked a few stones in the sidewalk as I absent-mindedly head home. I felt calm yet uneasy now. I know I overreacted with Taeyeon’s actions that I had to drag Wooyoung into our conversation. I was just so jealous that he gets to spend more time with her. I’ve actually been bothered with the time they spent together.

Sigh. Then there was Taecyeon, Wooyoung’s friend. We were just strictly friends. We would talk to each other in English whenever we hang out together with the group. We were close but I have no interest in him. Why would Taeyeon think of me that way?

I sighed some more. This has been the first major fight that I ever had with Taeyeon aside from that petty indigestion fight we had 2 years ago. This time we’ve really hurt each other with our words. Knowing Taeyeon, it’s going to take more than ‘I’m sorrys’ for her to forgive me.

April 2013. 5:15 PM.

I remembered our first major fight. Oh I hated those days. Taeyeon could really be protective of me when it comes to the boys I hang out with. The incident in the club when she saw me making out with Siwon was accidental. I know I've been keeping a lot of things from her lately but I can't understand why she had to ignore me. Sometimes her actions really confuses me. But I love her. Now I just don't know how to fight for her when she clearly hates my presence. We can't even call each other best friends right now. I'm at lost.

"Why Taeyeon, why?" I voiced out the question that she could never answer.

Panic

May 2013. 8:56 PM.

“Cheer up Tiff. Please, I hate to see you like this.” Jessica told me as we sat at the bar stool in Hyo’s club.

“Mmmnn.”. I lazily replied.

“And please don’t ever think of getting yourself drunk tonight. I love you but I just can’t let you throw up on my dress again.” She told me looking irritated.

“Gah. You’re so uptight. Sorry about your dress Jessi. I’ll just buy you a new one.” 2 nights ago the group was partying at the club without Taeyeon. I felt so depressed that night. Is that how much she hated me? 2 weeks and she was still ignoring me. I haven’t heard about her since then except for the times we see each other in class. I have no idea what’s going on in her mind right now.

“This is only my 3rd glass of Margarita Jessi. Give me a break.” I whined at her.

“I know you’re still hurting, I understand Tiff. I have no idea where Taeyeon is right now. The group has been inviting her to be with us for days now but she won’t budge. I’m sorry Tiff, but please stop doing this to yourself.” Jessi took my glass and hugged me.

“Babe?” It was Yuri who just came back from the restroom. “Is everything okay?” She asked Jessica.

“Yeah. Uhm.. Tiff was just feeling cold. That’s all.” Jessi lied. I asked her to keep my feelings for Taeyeon a secret, even from Yuri.

“Why don’t you two lovebirds go dance. I’m fine by myself. I’ll just take a cab later Jess.” I tried to convince them. “And don’t worry. I’ll stop drinking now. I swear.” I raised my right hand and smiled at them. They excused themselves after Jessica gave me another hug. Right now I just want to be left alone.

9:15 PM.

“You’ve been staring at your glass for hours now.” A deep voice said.

“You’re exaggerating mister.” I said without bothering to look at the guy right beside me.

“Oh really? Why don’t I take you to the dance floor? You could spend your time better if you dance with me.”

“Cocky.” I said. “Now fuck off. I’m not interested.” I said to him in English.

“Oh. You speak English too?” He asked me in English. “I’m sorry. Forgive me for my arrogance. I’m Nichkhun. I just recently moved here in Korea and have made only a few friends. I was hoping you could be one. I’ll just leave you alone then. Sorry.” He said in English again.

I looked at him while he bowed to me. We stared at each other long enough for me to notice his thick eyebrows, large, gentle eyes and pale skin. He smiled at me before taking a few steps towards the dance floor.

“Wait. Do you have a car?” I asked him.

“Yes. Why?” He asked.

“I’m Tiffany Hwang. Can you take me somewhere else? To a coffee shop perhaps? Please? I just need a friend tonight. Nothing more, nothing less.” I asked him. I remembered Siwon Oppa. He was nice and kind to me. He was still consoling me about my dilemmas every now and then. He even asked me to attend his wedding. I looked at Nichkhun, hoping he could be like Siwon too. I need someone to talk to, to distract me even for just tonight.

“Sure Tiffany. I’m glad we could be friends.” He handed his right hand and I shook it. We smiled at each other before heading out together from the club.

Lately I've been doing impulsive things. Talking to random strangers, drinking myself drunk before going home alone. Ever since Taeyeon ignored me I just lost control of myself. I desperately needed something to keep my mind off her.

He was swaying while walking but I ignored it. He got his car and ushered me inside. I snapped the seat belt on as he started the engine. I could smell alcohol in the air but I disregarded it thinking it must be me.

Inside the car, he was pretty talkative. We talked with each other in English as we shared about how we came to Korea. He talked about his life in Thailand and I shared bits and pieces of my life in States.

We were nearing an intersection, the stoplight was green then turned orange. Then it changed into red in just a few seconds.

But Nichkhun wasn’t stopping. He was trying to beat the red light.

“Khun!” I screamed at him as I held on tight to my seatbelt.

He realized his mistake but it was too late. He stepped on the break as the car made a sharp left turn and spinned 180 degrees in the middle of the intersection.

Screeeeeech. Honk. Honk. BAM!

The last thing I remembered was a glaring light in front of the dashboard, the loud blaring of horns and the feel of the suffocating airbags as they were deployed.

I tried to open my eyes, but the piercing pain I felt in my chest made me shut them close. I gasped for air. I can’t breathe. I tried to scream.

“I can’t die.”

“Taeyeon!”

“I haven’t told you how much I love you.”

Tears formed from my eyes. I was beginning to panic realizing that I might not live another day to tell her about how I feel. I wasted a lot of time not fighting for her love.

“Tiffany! Please wake up! Oh God. I’m sorry...” His deep voice was ringing through my ears.

Breathing was difficult. My chest ached. My heart ached. Everything in me felt numb with pain. I closed my eyes.

“Taeyeon...”

I love You

May 2013. 1:10 AM.

I looked around. I could only see darkness. I reached out my hand hoping to feel something, anything. Where am I? I moved a few steps forward. Suddenly, everything around me was spinning. There was now light, but it was too bright. It was blinding me. I covered my eyes with my hands. “Miyoung.” Someone was calling out for me. It has been years since I’ve last heard that voice. “Miyoung...” I looked up. The light was blinding me. I saw a figure in front of me but I could not see it clearly. “Mom?” I whispered. The figure was moving away from me. “Miyoung.” I walked over towards the figure, but it continued to drift farther away. “Mom!” I screamed. “Mom! Please don’t leave me.” I screamed at the figure while slowly it began to disappear. “Mom!!!”

“Mom!” I blinked my eyes. I was calling out for my mom. I felt my brain snap into consciousness when the pain in my chest took my breath away. I looked around me, I was in a room. The walls have been painted white. This could not be my room. My room is painted pink. I tried to look around some more. What are these tubes connected to my body? Where am I? I breathe faster. It hurts to breathe.

“Mom!” I screamed. I closed my eyes. Someone was holding my hand.

“Fany, it’s me. Shh. I’ll call the doctor.” I heard Taeyeon’s angel-like voice.

“Mom! Where’s my mommy!” My mom died when I was 11. She was the most wonderful person I’ve had in my life. She doted on me and my siblings. She loved our family. But she had to leave us early. I never got over the sadness of her passing. How I wished she could’ve stayed longer in my life. Whenever I would feel sick, sad, or down I would wish she was there to comfort me, to hug me just like how she used to hug me when I was a kid.

“Mom! Mom!” Sniff. Sniff. I was crying. I want my mom. It hurts to breathe. Gasp. Air. I need air.

“Doctor! Please hurry up!” I heard someone shout.

Beep. Beep. I felt movements around me. I clutched the sheets. Someone was holding my hand. I heard murmurs. I shook my hands away. Air. I need to breathe. I drifted out of consciousness. Air. I need air.

8:17 AM.

I don’t know how but I started to gain consciousness once again. I no longer felt the pain I’ve felt earlier but my body felt numb. I became aware of the oxygen mask on my face. I closed my eyes still. I felt sleepy.

“...lower your voices please unnie. You might wake her up.” It was Seohyun’s voice.

“I’m going to kill that jerk! What was he thinking when he drove out with Tiffany drunk! He could’ve gotten her killed!” It was Taeyeon’s voice. She sounds mad.

“Oh really Taeng? You’d do that? When in the first place you have been ignoring her for weeks and now you’re all concerned about her?” It was Jessica who said that coldly.

“Jess. You don’t understand. I needed to do that.” Taeyeon was now arguing with Jessica as calmly as possible.

“No. You’re the one who doesn’t understand a thing here Taeyeon. I would’ve kept my mouth shut and let things happen between you two without meddling up. But this has to happen! Now look at her! She’s struggling to survive! I’m really going to put the blame on you Kim Taeyeon.” Jessi’s voice was aggressive as she accused Taeyeon.

“Unnie.. Please calm down.” Seohyun interjected.

“No Seo. I won’t! We all know how much Tiffany loves Taeyeon even if she wouldn’t tell us. We could even feel it ourselves. But look at her, she couldn’t feel it. She did not even have the guts to do something about it. I bet you Taeyeon that you had fun watching her suffer. Watching her get hurt. Right?!”

I tried to open my eyes to stop Jessica. I don’t want Taeyeon to learn about my feelings this way. I tried to blink but my eyelids felt heavy.

“No Jessica. You’re wrong about one thing. I know. I always knew.” Taeyeon calmly stated.

I kept my eyes shut. What does she mean?

“I know she loves me. Believe me Jessica, I’ve always known.” She continued.

“If you know, then why? I don’t understand Taeyeon. You could’ve told her straight up that you don’t want her, that you don’t love her.” Jessica’s voice calmed down.

“Because I love her too Jess. I loved her the moment I first saw her. She was like a lost puppy when we first met. From that day on, I’ve always had the need to protect her, to take care of her, to watch over her. I did not realize at first that I was already in love with her.” Taeyeon’s voice was already cracking.

“I’ve been telling my parents about how I fell in love with her. How I fell in love with a girl. My dad was cool about it, he even likes Tiffany. My siblings were supportive of it. But my mom was another story. She despised the idea. She said it was inappropriate.” She said carefully.

“I tried to fight for it. I tried to make my mom accept it. But she wouldn’t. She made me choose. I had no choice Jess. I have to love Tiffany from afar. I have to love her as a best friend. And then I met Wooyoung. I was trying to get over the

fact that my mom could not accept me and Tiffany if ever we’d go for it. Wooyoung was conveniently there. He was in love with me. I’ve always admired his passion for music. I loved him too. But I ‘ve never loved him as much as I loved Tiffany. I’ve been unfair. For the 2 years that we’d been together, we have always been fighting. He was always trying to win my heart. I wanted to give him everything you know, but I can’t. Tiffany has everything of me.”

Sniff. Sniff. Sob.

“I watched Tiffany go out with other guys. It was killing me Jess. I’ve always felt jealous of those guys who could be with her and kiss her. Every time she does that I would distance myself and cry alone. I know it’s selfish to feel that way when I have Wooyoung with me. But I just can’t help it.”

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

“Last week, I broke up with Wooyoung. He understood. He said that he never felt that he had my heart anyway. He tried but I just can’t go on with this. I could not fool myself anymore. I was thankful of him for a lot of things, but I could not give him the love he deserves. We decided to set each other free. I wanted to give my everything to Tiffany you know. But I did not want to make a move when everything in my life is a mess. I want to love her without anyone, or anything

coming in between us. I wanted to gamble. I’ve been telling my mom lately that I will love Tiffany whether or not she agrees. I’m ready to fight for us."

Taeyeon said those words with so much conviction. I could feel her words seep through every corner of my mind and heart.

".....and then this had to happen....” Taeyeon spoke as her voice trailed off.

I can’t breathe again. My body is betraying me. I inhaled. I tried to take in a lot of air from the oxygen mask but I just can’t seem to get enough. I inhaled again. My chest began to hurt again. Oh god. It hurts.

“Tiffany unnie?” I heard Seohyun’s voice. She held my hand as I gasped for more air.

“I’ll call the doctor.” I heard Jessica say.

“Fany...” Taeyeon said in between her cries.

“Fany please be okay... I love you.”

I inhaled some more before I saw everything around me turn black.

On A Loop

May 2013. 10:00 AM.

I’ve been in the hospital for 6 days now. I've been missing out on school a lot but thankfully my friends took care of it as they asked for a special leave of absence for me from my professors. The doctor told me that my lungs have been punctured due to two broken ribs, because of this my lungs have collapsed. The doctor told

me not to worry since my condition is not that severe. I would just need a week of bed rest in order to recuperate. I have to avoid moving a lot and do strenuous activities. I no longer feel the extreme pain in my chest but time to time I would feel out of breath.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Hello sis!” It was my sister, Michelle calling me. Since the accident my family has been worried of me. Jessica assured them that she and the other girls would be taking care of me.

“Baby Cake. How are you? Are you feeling fine now?”

“I am unnie. The doctors and nurses here have been taking care of me. Jessica and my friends here have been taking turns to watch over me. Don’t worry.”

“I can’t help but worry you know. And for the hundredth time Stephanie Hwang, I am reminding you not to go out with strangers again. Especially when they’re drunk. Do you understand?”

“...Yes unnie. I understand. I’m really sorry for causing so much trouble. I learned my lesson already.”

“You better walk your talk. By the way, Leo and I will be going there next month to check on you. Dad wanted to come too but he can’t leave the company. We miss you.”

“Wow. I’m looking forward to seeing you. I miss you too. Oh wait, I’ll hang up now. The nurse is here, I have to take my medicine. I love you unnie.”

“Just call me if you need anything okay?Please take care and be safe always. I love you sis.”

The call ended. I placed my phone on the corner table near my bed. I feel excited knowing that my brother and sister will be visiting me soon. Too bad Dad can’t come. He’s always busy with our real estate company. I sighed. The nurse came in and asked me to take my medicine. There were 4 tablets. Nasty. I thought of Taeyeon whenever I would take those. I would imagine her cheering on me as I take the tablets one by one.

After the conversation that happened between Taeyeon and Jessica 4 days ago, I haven’t seen her since. I have so many things to ask her. So many things that I want to talk to her. My friends told me Taeyeon left to go to Jeonju. I remembered her saying that her mom was against us. I felt relieved knowing what Taeyeon really feels. But I felt sad knowing that her mom won’t agree to it. Right now my mind could not think properly. I need to see Taeyeon. I needed to talk to her.

“Tiff. You’re spacing out again. Is something bothering you?” Sooyoung asked while munching on the oranges that my classmates sent me as a ‘get well soon’ gift. It was Sooyoung’s turn to watch over me today. My friends have been taking turns being at my side since the accident.

“Nothing Soo. How is Nichkhun by the way?” I asked. As much as I’d like to blame him for what happened, I know I can’t. I was the one who invited him to go out for a ride. But he was drunk that time and I ignored it. Stupid of me.

“He was discharged three days ago. That jerk. He only got a fractured wrist. I heard though that he’s going to be deported to Thailand.” Soo answered.

“Oh. How unfortunate.” I still pitied him though.

Just then, the doctor came in. “Miss Hwang? You can be discharged anytime tomorrow. You still need to come over and get a chest x-ray every 2 weeks. Please continue to take the prescribed medicines for your speedy recovery. If you feel pain I can give you pain killers. More bed rest for you for another week. And if you feel worse, you can come over here and visit me.”

“Thank you doctor.” I said before he left.

“I’ll call Jessica then Tiff. She should settle everything here in the hospital tonight.” Soo excused herself.

I thank God for friends like them. They have become my family now. Jessica has been managing my accounts for me and taking over settling the hospital documents and bills while the others became my personal nurses.

I smiled knowing that I have them. Taeyeon on the other hand left. I could not blame her. I know she’s still sorting some things out and needs more time. But I’ll wait for her. I’ll be waiting for her.

9:13 AM.

I woke up two hours earlier. All of my friends, except for Taeyeon, are in my room now. They said that she’s still in Jeonju but she’ll be back soon. We were already getting ready to leave the hospital while they helped me with everything. We went down the hospital lobby.

“Okay now guys, you know what to do.” Hyoyeon’s voice boomed.

“Yes boss!” Everyone shouted in unison.

“What’s going on?” I was confused. I don’t know what they’re up to.

Suddenly, I felt a cloth covering my eyes. I felt uneasy. I fidgeted.

“Calm down Tiff. You’re going to be safe. I promise. Just go with the flow, okay?” I heard Jessica’s voice. I tried to relax. I wondered what they’re planning.

Somebody took my arms and gently tugged on it. I heard the sound of a car engine in front of me. A car door was opened and closed. Then, I felt a hand reach out for me and pulled me, followed by a gentle shove on my back.

“Get in the car Tiff. Ooops. Slowly. Watch your head.” I heard Yuri spoke as I felt a hand on my head.

I obeyed as I felt myself being ushered towards a car seat. I sat inside the car obediently as I heard the door close. I wonder who’s driving. The only ones who owned a car in the group are Hyoyeon, Sunny, Yuri and Sooyoung. It was my first time to ride in a car after the accident. I feel uncomfortable. I heard the engine being started.

“Uhm. Girls? Will you please tell me what’s going on? You don’t have to cover my eyes.” I sounded nervous.

I was ignored as I felt someone go near me and put the seatbelt on. Once again I began to panic. I remembered the accident.

I felt someone reach out for my left hand and squeezed it. The warm hand left mine as I felt someone put on a pair of earbuds in my ears. The song started to play. I listened to it as I felt the car move slowly.

Only One For Me

In the hard and tiring night, I’m always next to you. After I kiss you as you sleep, yes you baby.

Nobody in the world can own my happiness, You’re the one and only angel of mine, yeah.

You’ll never cry anymore in the bumpy road, don’t cry I’ll shine for you

So baby you don’t have to let me go, I’ll give you my all, I’ll be the one that will always keep you safe, I want to love one person forever only, I can do all for you, Cause you are the only one for me.

Baby, nobody can keep you safe as much as I can, Don’t go through hardships anymore, oh no yeah

Oh, even though I have all the things I want, Without you, I don’t have anything (Don’t have anything)

Don’t cry anymore because of your past loves, I pray I’ll hide your eyes yeah heh heh heh

So baby you don’t have to let me go, I’ll give you my all, I’ll be the one that will always keep you safe, I want to love one person forever only, I can do all for you, Cause you are the only one for me.

I’ll promise you that I’ll never leave your side ooh baby, (I promise you baby) Baby, just you

So baby you don’t have to let me go, I’ll give you my all, I’ll be the one that will always keep you safe, I want to love one person forever only, I can do all for you, Cause you are the only one for me.

Cause you are the only one for me.

Cause you are the only one for me.

Cause you are the only one for me.

Oh yes I will

We’ve been driving for I think 30 minutes now. Because of the ear buds, every noise was drowned out. I could only hear the song as it played over and over again on a loop. I calmed myself with the song, humming the tune. Whoever did this was really successful in making me feel at ease. As I concentrated on the lyrics of the song, I wished that Taeyeon could sing it for me. How I wish I could be with her. She’s all that I could think of right now.

First Kiss

May 2013. 11:10 AM.

After about an hour of driving, the car finally stopped. I still had the blind fold on my eyes. I remembered what Jessica told me, “Just go with the flow.” So I did. The song was still playing in my ears when suddenly I felt the ear buds slowly being taken away. I felt movements around my shoulder as the seatbelt was loosened from my torso. The car door in the driver’s side opened then closed. The door on my side was opened as I felt someone gently taking my arm with one hand while the other hand was on my head. I stepped out of the car.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

No reply. Instead I felt a hand on the right side of my waist and another hand on my left arm. Whoever was holding me was tugging me along, leading me somewhere. I felt really uncomfortable now but I did not dare talk. Somehow I trusted this person.

As we walked, there were a few steps of stairs along the way. Good thing I did not trip. The person holding me had to raise my leg up, or lower it down whenever there were steps. I tried to think about where we are but I really had no idea. It was eerily quiet in this place. After 15 minutes of walking, we finally stopped. The person held my shoulders with both hands and made me sit into a soft comfortable chair. The chair was quite low and had an armrest; it was flipping whenever I tried to move. It feels like I’m in one of those movie houses with those kinds of seats.

Eeeeeng. It sounded like a microphone static.

Then I heard music playing in the background.

“Please take off your blind fold.”

That angel-like voice boomed throughout the room. I took off the piece of cloth from my eyes.

Taeyeon was in front of me, standing in a platform. I looked around. I was seated in the front row of a movie house. Alone. There was only Taeyeon in front of the big wide screen and me in the front row of the movie house seats.

She held the microphone and began to sing.

Closer

There are so many things I couldn’t say You have never heard them before but I’m not someone who just loves anyone I see

Because among the many people in this world I could only see you

I am standing here as I only see you After this love, I don’t really know what will happen Just like child who is always this way, Will you warmly hold me right now?

Though someday your name might become strange My heart will remember all the memories Even if a painful separation comes between us Let’s not think about that today

Because among the many people in this world I could only see you

I am standing here as I only see you After this love, I don’t really know what will happen Just like child who is always this way, Will you warmly hold me closer?

Now I’m not alone Only you who has come to me from that place-

Only you are my everything After this love, I don’t really know what will happen Just like child who is always this way, Will you warmly hold me closer?

Closer Warmer Will you hold me?

As Taeyeon was singing, the big screen lit up.

I saw our first picture together. We were at a beach, smiling together. It was just one of our random trips together. Another picture followed, a picture of me on my first birthday here in Korea where Taeyeon surprised me.

Sniff. Sniff. I wiped my eyes, trying to look at the screen as the memories of us come crashing down on me.

Another picture during one of our class performances. A picture of us singing a duet, holding a microphone while doing a peace sign. A picture of her pinching my cheek. A picture of me hugging her from behind while she was wrapped up in a pink blanket. A picture of us sitting on a bench, her head resting on my shoulder. A picture of us at the amusement park riding a ferris wheel, Taeyeon’s face looked like she was about to puke. A picture of us sitting in a restaurant eating pizza.

Sniff. Sniff. I took in all of Taeyeon’s voice as she sang while I looked at the pictures in front of me.

A picture of us holding out icecreams, hers was vanilla while mine strawberry. A picture of us in the Hyo’s club clanking wine glasses, doing a toast. A picture of us in her apartment just smiling at the camera. A picture of us sitting side by side underneath the big tree at school. A picture of us wearing funny Totoro and Dookong costumes. A picture of us imitating the Avengers pose. A picture of us chasing around birds at the park. A picture of us smiling at each other.

Sniff. Sniff. I was overwhelmed with emotions.

Taeyeon’s song ended.

“Hwang Miyoung.” Taeyeon said in the microphone.

I looked at her with my puffy eyes and closed mouth smile.

“I don’t know how to start this... but I want to let you know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I’m sorry for not being there for you all the time. I’m sorry for the times I have mistreated you. I’m sorry for the times that I have neglected you...”

Taeyeon’s voice trailed off. She stepped down from the platform and slowly walked over towards me.

“...and most of all. I’m sorry for not telling you earlier that I love you. I loved you the moment I first laid eyes on you. I’m sorry if I’ve been a coward. I’m so sorry.” She kneeled in front of me sobbing.

“Tae... Please get up.” I was crying with her too. I bent down and cupped her cheeks.

“Fany, I’m really sorry...but I love you. I love you. I really love you...” Taeyeon was crying really hard now.

“I love you too Taeyeon. I love you so much. I’m sorry too for not realizing that you love me. I love you..” I wrapped my arms around her neck while she buried her face in my shoulder. I hugged her real tight.

“I love you so much...”

“I love you too.”

She pulled out from the hug and placed her hands on my cheeks. She wiped the tears from my face. She looked deep into my eyes.

I leaned in closer.

She was also closing the distance between us.

Then, I felt something warm touch my lips. I closed my eyes and tilted my head. I felt Taeyeon’s lips. There weren’t any movements from both our lips. We stayed like that for a few seconds.

It was a sweet kiss. It was our first kiss together. It was nothing compared to the past makeout sessions I’ve had before. But it was the most gentle, heartwarming and loving kiss I’ve ever had.

I know that for us it was more than just a kiss. It was the start of our journey together in the road to everlasting love. It was the answer to all of my doubts on love. It was the cure to the love sickness that I have so long struggled to endure. It was the meeting of our hearts and minds as we finally admit that we love each other. I love her. She loves me. There's only her and me.

Fairy Tales

May 2013. 11:58 AM.

“Can I hold you like this right now?” Taeyeon asked as we sat in the platform of the movie house. Her arms encircled my waist with her hands clasped over my belly as she leaned her head over my shoulder.

“No Tae. I don’t want you to hold me right now.” I said looking up to her face.

“Oh? Why Fany?” Her face turned sour as she pouted with her eyebrows furrowed.

“Because...” I pulled out from her embrace. I stared at her for a few seconds, we were facing each other now.

“Because what?” She looked worried. Her eyes pleading.

“Because...” I held her both hands for a moment before pulling her closer to me. I placed her hands behind my back, while I placed my hands behind hers. I pulled our bodies closer not wanting to let a single space between us. I nuzzled my head into her neck. I hugged her but not too tight this time. My chest still hurts a bit.

I whispered into her ear. “...because I want you to hold me like this forever.”

She let out a chuckle. “What a relief!” She looked at me as she held a hand into my cheek. “I thought you’d never ask.” She said before leaning, giving me a peck on the lips.

Grumble.

“Uhmm..” Taeyeon muttered as she blushed. “Sorry to spoil the fun. I think I’m hungry.”

“Hahahaha! Oh well. We better feed your tummy TaeTae.” I smiled as I kissed her cheeks.

We went out of the movie house and headed outside. I can't believe she just rented out a movie house. She led the way as she walked over towards her car. It was a sexy car. I can’t believe my eyes.

“Tae, is this yours?” I pointed out.

“Yep. It’s my new baby Fany. A Porsche Boxster. I got my license months ago but had to blackmail my dad into buying me this. I went home to Jeonju for this. I figured out that after your accident, I couldn’t let anyone, any guy, any asshole to drive you around.” She said as she opened the car door for me and helped me with my seatbelt.

Taeyeon’s dad was a restaurateur. Their family owned Korean restaurant chains in Jeonju. Taeyeon could buy anything she wanted but she was never a show-off, not until today. I was surprised that she splurged on this car. She was now in the driver’s seat; she looked so sexy as she concentrated on driving. Serious Taeyeon is damn sexy.

We stopped over a fancy American restaurant. She knows I love American food. She doesn’t really like them though.

“Are you sure you’re fine eating here?” I asked her as we take our seats.

“Anywhere with you is good enough for me.” She smiled and ordered us pizza, spaghetti and meatballs, and buffalo wings.

“So, Tae... Where’s Wooyoung?” I asked while eating.

“Hmn? We broke up. I gave him back his ring. He accepted it.” She said nonchalantly.

“That’s it? You just broke up like that?” I asked. I wanted to make sure they’re over.

“Yeah. I haven’t told you before but we’ve been arguing a lot. Music was the only thing we had in common. But he would always try to get me to love him more. I tried to love him too you know... I tried to when I wanted to forget about my feelings for you...” She said as she put down her fork.

“Fany, I don’t really know why, I can’t explain it myself but I think I really fell hard for you. It scared me. It wasn’t really ‘normal’. I mean, I’m sorry but

everything was really new to me. I did not know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with it. I was confused. I tried to suppress all my feelings but it was just too strong. I have tried to ignore it, I could feel you felt the same way for me but I ignored you. For years I contented myself with loving you as a best friend. I just want to be there for you, to protect you, to make you smile, to take care of you. But there are just some things that I can’t control Fany. I longed to give you my everything for ages now but some things are stopping me...” She let out a sigh.

“Like your mom?” I said. She looked at me questioningly.

“How did you know?” She asked.

“I heard when you and Jessica were talking.”

“Oh. I see. Don’t worry Fany, I told my family that I love you and I will do everything to be with you. They’re cool with it, Umma just needs more time and more gifts from me to realize that we’re going for it. We are so going to love each other Honey Fany. Forever.” She smiled widely as she held my hand.

I could not help but giggle. “You’re so cheesy Tae. I did not know.”

“I don’t know too. It must be you. You make me do things and say things. It just comes naturally.” She grinned.

“But still I can’t help but worry. What if you’re mom still can’t accept us? I don’t know. There are some things that are bothering me right now. And I want to ask, why did it took you so long to do these?” She nodded, she understood what I meant.

“Fany... I mean, Honey Fany...” She smiled and looked into my eyes gently. “Cinderella had a bitchy stepmother and bitchy stepsisters before meeting her Prince Charming in a disco, Rapunzel was locked up by a witch in a tower without any salon around that she had to grow her hair. Just imagine her 'bad hair days'. Princess Fiona’s froggy daddy was also against that fugly Shrek at first, I mean who wouldn't? But anyway, Sleeping Beauty was drunk that she passed out and slept for a hundred years before her prince came to kiss her—“

“Tae, Cinderella attended a ball and not a disco. Sleeping Beauty wasn’t drunk. She was cursed by—“ I interrupted her ridiculous version of the fairy tales but I was cut off with her finger silencing my mouth.

“Shhhhhh. You’re not getting the point Honey. What I’m trying to say is that, I know we’ve loved each other for years now. It might have taken us a long time to be like this together, but just like those fairytales we’ve had our own share of challenges, obstacles, and problems that came between us. We might still have them in the future. But you know how fairy tales end, right?” She asked.

“Yes. They always live happily ever after...” I replied.

“That’s where we are heading to Honey. To our happy ending.”

She kissed the back of my hand as she continued her speech.

“I can't promise you a fairy tale life with me, with all those skimpy fairies flying around blowing heart kisses in the air all the time. But what I can promise you Hwang Miyoung, is that I, Kim Taeyeon would want to love you with all my heart. Together, forever.”

And with that, she took my hand and hooked her pinky finger with mine.

Slowly

May 2013. 6:19 PM.

After our lunch date, Taeyeon drove me around the city to test drive her new ride. We went to try out different ice cream parlors until our throats and tummies could take no more. It was getting dark and she insisted that we go eat our dinner first but I was feeling tired already. I haven’t fully recovered since the accident.

“I’m sorry TaeTae. As much as I’d love to spend more time with you I’m already feeling a bit tired.” I rubbed her arms and caressed her wrist which was holding the gear stick.

“No Honey, I’m the one who’s sorry. I-I forgot you’re still not fully recovered. I just want you to eat. I want you to be healthy.” She said as she glanced at me sideways as she showed her apologetic look. Her eyes went back on the road.

“I know. But for now, let’s just head home.” I said. I leaned on the car window and closed my eyes. I felt like I’ve walked 500 flights of stairs.

7:07 PM.

I felt someone caress my face gently. I blinked my eyes. The car has stopped moving. I looked around and saw Taeyeon bending over me at my side of the car. Her face just a few centimetres away, she closed the gap and kissed my forehead.

“Mmnnn.” Yawn. “Where are we? I thought I asked you to take me home.”

“You look like a baby when you’re asleep.” She smiled as she pinched my cheeks.

“Stop it Tae.” I stepped out of the car and glanced around realizing this was near Taeyeon’s apartment. “Okay. Why are we at your place?”

“You will be at my place for now. That is until you recover. And that is if you wish to stay with me 'til eternity.” She smiled as she took my hand and guided me towards the elevator.

“Bu-but, wait Tae. But...” I tried to stop. It’s not that I don’t want to be with Taeyeon, but the idea of living together came as a shock to me. We’ve had sleepovers before but living together for quite some time? I’m not sure. I’m used to living all by myself.

“No buts Fany. Besides, Jessica told me that the doctor would want you to rest for a week. If you’re going to be off with yourself you can’t possibly do that. I won’t let you. I will take care of you.” She said as the elevator door opened. She gently pushed me inside the elevator.

“Okay. But how about my things? I really don’t want to burden you TaeTae.” I said.

“Stop worrying Honey. I love you and I will take care of you. Just please don’t be stubborn. You know you need me.” She said confidently. Her hands still clasped tightly with mine.

“I’m not stubborn. It’s just that I—“

Warm lips stopped my words. Her hands now on my waist and made its way on my back. She pulled me closer as she deepened the kiss. I closed my eyes. She

nibbled my upper lip, then moved to hungrily massage my lower lip. Her tongue was trying to break inside my closed lips. I parted my mouth as I responded. I entered my tongue as it entered her mouth. It was like a hidden cave, waiting to be explored and I the eager explorer. My hands found their way at the back of her neck as I tried to pull her closer. When our tongues met, I feel like I have been struck by lightning. Her tongue massaging my tongue sent shivers down my spine. She pulled out and nibbled my lower lip again. I contented myself with her upper lip. We mellowed down as we placed light kisses and pecks on each other’s lips.

Ding. The elevator door opened. Good thing there was no one around.

We stared at each other lovingly. We held hands as we walked out of the elevator.

“That’s what you get for arguing with me when you don’t need to.” She smirked as she pulled out her apartment keys.

“Oh. I could really get used to a lot of arguments TaeTae.” I smiled at her as we entered her place.

She placed all of our things then she went straight to her kitchen. Her apartment is bigger than mine. It has been well furnished and has a contemporary design. The

walls have been painted into different shades of blue. Her living room is simple yet chic. Her kitchen space is a bit just like any other kitchen, only a little bigger than mine, but comfortable. And her bedroom... Oh wait. She only has one bedroom.

“Honey, Jessica and Yuri helped me pack some of your clothes a few days ago. They’re on my room. You can change or wash up now if you want. I’ll just prepare us our dinner.” She shouted from the kitchen.

“Tae? Are we going to sleep together in your bedroom later?” I asked her nervously as I took a peek inside the kitchen.

“I can stay in the couch if you want to.” She said as she looked at me with a straight face.

“No. Silly. It’s not like we haven’t done sleepovers before. It’s just that... After everything... Uhm... I’m still getting used to us... Uhm...”

Taeyeon stopped chopping vegetables as she walked over towards me.

“I understand. I know everything went a bit too fast. Let’s just take things slowly. Let’s give each other time to get used to this.” And with that she cupped my cheeks as she went for a deep kiss and then pulled back.

“Go now Honey, rest for a while. I’ll just call you when dinner’s done.” She smiled at me as she went back to her chopping.

“Thanks Tae.” I smiled. Yes, let’s take things slowly. Hopefully, I can take things slowly. I remembered the kiss inside the elevator. I felt my insides shiver at the thought.

Oh Taeyeon. The things you do to me.

Bugs

May 2013. 8:10 PM.

I sat on the couch in Taeyeon’s living room while waiting for her to get our dinner ready. I have been thinking a lot about things lately. I’ve been thinking a lot about Taeyeon and me.

I remembered Siwon Oppa’s words when we talked at the coffee shop.

“Sometimes you have to fight for love even if it looks hopeless.”

I thought about then and now. I used to think that Taeyeon did not care a bit about my feelings for her. I thought she couldn’t see how much I love her. I thought that I could never show her my feelings for her. I thought that we were hopeless.

But I thought wrong. Taeyeon has proven me wrong.

All these times I thought that I have been the one fighting for my love. But I have clearly underestimated her. She has fought for me, for us, while I went sulking and playing around. I did not even know that she knows how I feel even without me confessing. After all, she is my best friend. She tends to know me more than I know her. I have failed though. I failed for not seeing how for all these years she has loved me. But from now on, I’m not going to fail. I’m going to show her everyday how much I love her. I’m going to let her know how much I appreciate her love for me.

“Honey! Dinner’s ready.” Taeyeon called out.

“Be there in a sec TaeTae.” I got up and went to the kitchen.

“Taeyeon I love you so much. I will do everything to make it last. I know you feel the same way too.” I thought to myself. It really makes me happy to be with her. They say that one of the greatest feelings in the world is to be loved by the person you love. I'm lucky to be feeling it now.

9:20 PM.

The dinner took longer than usual with Taeyeon insisting on feeding me herself. She wouldn’t even let me lay a hand on anything. She said that she doesn’t want me to force myself. I couldn’t help but feel elated with her thoughtfulness. After the dinner she took care of all the cleaning up and would not want me to help her. I gave up insisting knowing that she wouldn’t let me have my way this time.

9:44 PM.

I’m now inside Taeyeon’s bedroom after she insisted that I should rest. She really is such a nagger. But I’m still thankful, I know it’s for my best interest. I looked around while I was sprawled at her queen size bed wearing a pajama and a loose shirt. Her bedroom is quite spacious. Her dookong peas where everywhere; on top of the drawers, beside the closet, near the window pane and at the corner table. Such a kid.

Knock knock.

“Honey?” She entered. “I’ll just shower and uhhm I’ll just grab some blankets and pillows later.” And with that she dashed into the bathroom.

Water slowly dripped as I heard her take her shower. I feel tensed. Being best friends for about 5 years, we have seen each other clad only with our bras and underwears. I haven’t really given them much thought though, it was normal to see friends like that once in a while. I’m not really that much of a perv. I’m not sure with Taeyeon. I caught her staring at my butt absent-mindedly for a few times.

But here I am, stuck with Taeyeon under one roof. And she’s inside the bathroom taking a warm shower. Shower. With no clothes on. Showering. Water running through her hair wetting them as she tilts her head while her fingers massage her scalp. Shower. As the water travels down to her neck, to her spine, to her breasts, to her tummy, to her thighs and down to her toes.

“Mmmmmnn...”

What the hell. Did I just moan? Oh my. This is bad. This is really bad. And I thought that between the two of us, Taeyeon is the more pervy one.

Just then I heard the shower sounds stopped. I tensed up. I turned my back on the bathroom. I snuggled the pillow closely to my face to avoid looking at her. Or rather for her not see me as I blushed madly at the thought of her showering naked.

“Bugs. Lots of bugs. Spiders. Bugs. Flies. Bugs.” I muttered to myself making it sound like a chant. A chant I made up to repel all those dirty thoughts on my mind. Gah. I was really so turned on by those thoughts. But I can’t let myself out of control this time. I can’t be impulsive.

“More bugs. More spiders. More bugs. More bugs. Mo—“

“Hey Honey. What are you doing?” Taeyeon asked as I felt the bed move with the added weight of the person beside me. I closed my eyes refusing to look at her.

‘.....”

“Honey Fany. Are you sleeping now?”

“....”

“Hey.” She took the pillow away grasped both my hands by the wrist.

“Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!” I screamed.

“Hey. Wake up! Did you have a nightmare?’ She asked me. I finally opened my eyes as I looked at her.

“Oh. You’re wearing a short. And a shirt. And you’re not naked.” I half whispered.

“What?” She exclaimed in shock.

“Uhmm nothing....” I said as I turned my head sideways not wanting to look at her. I could really feel the blood rush into my face.

“....”

“....”

“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!! Did you just imagine me naked? HAHAHAHAHA!!!” Taeyeon let go of my arms as she rolled into the bed clutching her tummy while laughing.

“Yah! What’s so funny? I-I wasn’t th-thinking that way.” Shit I’m stuttering.

“HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! Oh my. I can’t get over it. This is just funny...” She said as she tried to stop her laughter.

“Look I’m sleepy now okay.” I said, trying to get away from this really awkward and embarrassing situation.

“Hehehehe. I just remembered you teasing me a lot about being a pervert. And now... It’s okay Honey. I know I’m sexy. I understand if you really can’t help it.” She said still trying to keep a straight face, muffling her laughter with her hands on her mouth.

She crawled closer towards me. I was sitting upright. I backed away only to feel the head board. She moved closer, keeping our eye contact. I froze. I could really feel my body heat up. I’m doomed. My brain is shutting down. I closed my eyes as I anticipated her next move.

“Tsskk tsssk tssk. You should really stop those thoughts Honey. You know, you’re doctor would want you to keep away from strenuous activities for a week. Just one week Honeeeeyy.” I heard her whisper seductively into my ear as I felt the warmth of her hot breath linger.

“Yah!” I was about to slap her but she was too fast. She ran out of the room as she quickly grabbed a pillow and a blanket.

“Good night Honey Fany. I love you so much!” She grinned broadly as she held the door to the bedroom. She blew me a kiss in the air and I grabbed it and placed the ‘kiss’ on my lips.

“I love you too Kim Taeyeon. Good night.” And then she closed the door as she spent the night in her living room couch.

“Yes. No strenuous activities.” I said to myself. Oh what the fuck am I thinking? Strenous activities. I felt a bead of sweat drop from my forehead as once again I felt my body heat up.

“Bugs. Lots of bugs. Spiders. Bugs. Flies. Bugs.” I chanted. Damn. Go away dirty, pervy thoughts.

This is going to be a long night.

“Bugs. Lots of bugs. Spiders. Bugs. Flies. Bugs.”

Black Swan

June 2013. 8:33 AM.

“Tae, wake up. We’re late for practice.” I nudged at Taeyeon who was still sleeping heavily in the bed.

It’s been about 3 weeks since I have moved in with her. She and I sleep together in her bedroom and in the same bed, yet surprisingly we haven’t done anything much than kissing. Imagine the amount of self-control we tried to exercise. Imagine the amount of sexual frustration we’ve tried to keep within us. But I have to give all the credits to Taeyeon. After our random conversation after watching a hot movie, she has really given me time to think about doing “it”.

May 2013. 10:18 PM.

It has been a long day at school. I was juggling extra loads of assignments, makeup projects and extra recitals in order to make up for the days that I missed classes. The one-week rest period that the doctor suggested ended 2 days ago and I have been back to my normal routine.

Except being with Taeyeon isn’t entirely normal routine at all. Every day spent with her is either extra-special or extraordinary. We have officially announced to our friends that we are dating now. It did not come in as a surprise to them though. They said it was something that was bound to happen. Were things really that obvious to them in the past? I’ve always wondered about that. I never predicted that I’d see the day where Taeyeon would greet me every minute of every day telling me that she loves me.

“Honey, are you okay?” Taeyeon asked me as I slumped towards the couch. She got home earlier.

“Yeah, just a bit tired. But at least all the makeup requirements are all done now.”

“Good then. We could watch a movie tonight. Yuri gave me this and told me it’s a good movie.” she said as she handed me the movie, Black Swan. “It’s in English but she said I don’t have to listen to the conversations. It’s visually entertaining, she said.” Taeyeon beamed.

I raised my eyebrow at the movie title. I haven’t watched it but I heard about it.

“Are you sure you want to watch this?” I asked her. It’s not that I don’t trust her choice in movies, but I definitely don’t trust Yuri’s.

“Yep. Positive, besides Yuri said it has ballet. All about performing arts.” She pressed remote and the movie played on.

She sat beside me on the couch, my head rested on her shoulders as I intertwined our hands together. I was feeling pretty burned out for the day but tried to keep my eyes open. I glanced at Taeyeon looking so engrossed at the movie.

I closed my eyes. I have been drifting in and out of sleep while looking occasionally at the tv screen. Taeyeon adjusted our position as she made me lie on her lap.

I found the movie boring; it was making me feel sleepier than ever. Until halfway through it, a particular scene jolted my senses awake.

The two girls were in a taxi… Touching each other…

Another scene… They were undressing each other…. The other going down between the other girls legs… Moans…

The temperature inside our room seemed to have spiked up. It has reached beyond boiling point. I felt Taeyeon’s hands clasped mine then she cupped my cheeks and leaned in for a kiss. She broke the kiss and looked deeply into my eyes gauging my reaction. I was still lying on her lap. Her head slightly bent towards mine. I placed one hand at the back of her neck as I pulled her closer, sealing the distance with a passionate kiss.

In just a matter of minutes her hands were everywhere. She placed light kisses on my neck down to my collarbone.

“Tae….nnggg…”

Her hands slowly made their way into my waist as I shivered with her touch. She returned to nibble on my lips before thrusting her tongue inside my mouth as we played on each other’s tongue.

Her hands massaged my belly as it slowly made its way upward, towards my chest.

“Aahhh…” I moaned when she fondled my breasts.

As her other hand kept my chest company, her other hand decided to travel down south.

“Mnn.. Mnnn… Tae… Wait…” I pulled her other hand back up before it could reach down to its destination. No matter how good it feels, deep down I know I still can’t do this.

She looked at me, her eyes burning with desire. “Fany?” she asked, her voice strained.

“I-I uhm… I haven’t done it yet with anyone.” I looked away, trying to avoid her gaze. “I know you want it but…I want it too. I thought I’m ready to uhm give it to you but I…I think I’m not yet ready. If we’re going to go further… You’d be my first…”

I wanted to continue, I want to tell her I want our first to be special. I don't want to look back to it one day and remember Black Swan made us feel horny and decided to do it right then and there in the couch. I know she has done it with Wooyoung already after she confessed to me after a night of drinking. She said she regretted it afterwards.

“I understand…I’m sorry I lost control. That movie was really good though. No wonder Yuri suggested it.” She smirked and she pulled me up, fixing my clothes and brushing my hair.

She leaned in and kissed me gently. "I'm sorry Honey."

“Thanks TaeTae. I love you so much. I’m going to give you everything. I hope you can wait. I’m sorry.” I pulled her into a tight embrace.

“I love you, not just for your body but I love you for everything that you are. My love for you is not just about sex you know. I can wait. I don’t want you to regret anything. I just want to make you happy. Don’t worry okay? I love you. That’s all you need to know.” She said. I felt like I’m on a cloud nine.

Taeyeon has given me a different kind of happiness. Loving me and accepting me for who I am and who I’m not. Loving her is like being a free bird. I soar high. She makes me soar high with happiness. I only have the endless skies before me. No worries.

"I'll get back at Yuri someday. Black Swan huh." I said to myself while I thought of ways for making her pay for trying to sneak in those thoughts to Taeyeon.

Questions

June 2013. 8:47 AM.

I flicked a magazine open while waiting for Taeyeon to get dressed for school. We needed to get there before 9:30 AM, our practice call time. For our finals, the school has organized a university showcase and concert. It’s a 3-day event which involves the participation of all departments in the Arts and Music Academy. Taeyeon was asked to do a solo since she’s the best singer in our class. I, on the other hand, was set to play a supporting role in a musical. The musical was a collaboration among the Music Department, Dance Department and Acting Department. Taeyeon and I rehearsed separately and our schedules nowadays have been different from each other.

“I’m done. Let’s go.” Taeyeon beckoned as she grabbed her car keys and carried our bags.

“But you haven’t eaten breakfast yet, there are cereals or oatmeal and milk in the kitchen. It’s still early.” I said.

I looked at her face; she was still beautiful as ever. The soft features and that porcelain white skin were to die for. But as I took another glance, I noticed those dark circles beneath her eyes. Last night she slept late. I did not even notice her sneak into bed.

But it wasn’t just last night. She’s been like that for the past nights. I haven’t really given it much thought, until now.

“TaeTae? What’s wrong?” I asked her as we headed down towards the parking lot.

“What do you mean? Look, about breakfast I’ll just grab something to eat at school.” she said, she almost snapped at me but I noticed that she held back.

I tried to control my temper. She may just be on her period. No, that can’t be it. She’s had hers days ago. Okay. So maybe she’s just being bipolar again. Yes, maybe just some random bipolar attack.

“Okay. Sure. I just don’t want you to starve yourself. We’ll be having a long day today.” I back hugged her while she opened the car door of her car.

“Yeah.” She said as she unclasped my hands from her body and went towards the driver’s seat.

Inhale. Exhale. Tiffany, breathe in. Breathe out. Calm down.

I sat on my seat and waited for Taeyeon to put the seatbelt on for me. She always does that.

“Seatbelt. Put it on.” She said before she started the car engine. She did not even bother to look at my direction.

What the hell is going on? My mind was starting to panic. Okay, so maybe I was busy lately practicing my song for the showcase and was too preoccupied with school stuff. I know that whenever we’re at school we don’t talk as often as before due to rehearsals. At home, we would cuddle while watching our favourite television shows, she would always cook dinner for us, and she would buy me random gifts and surprise me.

“Tae...”, I reached for her hand which was clutching the steering wheel, “...are you mad at me?” I asked softly.

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure.”

“It seems that you’re not in the mood this morning. You know that I’m always here to listen to you right? You can count on me Tae. I love y---“

“I know Fany. I know.”

I dropped the topic. Years of being best friends taught me that whenever Taeyeon would not want to talk about something, she clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. It would just upset her if I ask her more.

God what’s going on? Is she back with Wooyoung? Is she tired of waiting for me to give “it” to her? Is it about her mom again trying to keep us apart? Is she not happy with me? Does she not love me anymore?

A teardrop fell from my eye unconsciously. I wiped it with my hand. The thought of her leaving me would be unbearable. I love her too much. I love her more than I love my own life. No. She won’t leave me. It can’t happen. I don’t want that to happen. I’ll fight for her no matter what. I’ll make sure of that.

I looked at the window and tried to focus my thoughts elsewhere as the car moved in a steady pace while my heartbeat raced.

So many questions popped in and out of my mind.

Déjà Vu

June 2013. 4:12 PM.

“Okay! That’s a wrap everyone. Just a few glitches to be fixed and we’re all set. Good job!” Boa, our musical director smiled at us. The whole theatre erupted in cheers as everyone in the production felt relieved.

“You are wonderful Unnie. You outdid the lead. Good job!” It was Sulli, a Vocal Music sophomore, she spoke to me in a hushed voice.

“Thanks Sulli. The production was awesome too. You guys were my inspiration. See you tomorrow.” I winked at her before I proceeded to get my bag and headed out towards the restroom to change and freshen up.

It’s been almost 6 hours of practicing and someone finally appreciated my efforts. I wasn’t the best dancer among the casts whenever a song and dance number was required in the musical, but I sure made up for it in my solo singing parts.

I gave 100% effort to perfect my parts. My sister and brother would be coming over to visit me in just a matter of days, in time for the 2nd day run of the musical. And there was Taeyeon... I want her to be proud of me like I’ve always been of her.

I hurriedly finished my business in the restroom and headed out towards the Music Hall. I hope Taeyeon has not left yet after her song rehearsal. After we got to school, she hurriedly excused herself to practice. She wasn’t exactly her cheerful, loving self this morning. I was hoping she’d be fine this afternoon. The showcase has really been stressful to everyone at school lately. It must have gotten into her. A date out tonight would probably make her feel better.

“Mr. Lee? Is Taeyeon still here?” I asked the concert coordinator.

“She left an hour ago. She was dismissed earlier than usual. It seems like her voice coach wasn’t impressed with her performance today. Told her to take some time off and rest her voice.”

“Oh. I see. Thanks sir.” I said.

I checked my phone, hoping to get a message from Taeyeon. She would usually inform me if she had gone home ahead.

One message. To my disappointment, it was from Jessica.

“Tiff, Hyo wants us to come over to the club tonight. You and Taeyeon coming?” 3:04 pm.

I was thinking about what to reply. My mind snapped back once again to looking for Taeyeon.

I dialled her number. No response. She must’ve turned it off. Or she must have run out of battery.

Where is she?

This is really getting to be really frustrating.

I headed out towards the school parking lot to check if her car is still there. It was nowhere to be found.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exha----

I can’t calm down. Not when Taeyeon was acting really weird the whole day. I decided to flag down a cab and head to our apartment. I hope she’s there.

1:18 AM.

I was feeling really sleepy now. I’ve been busying myself watching tv shows to keep me awake while I waited for Taeyeon. I’ve sent her dozens of messages asking where she was and asking her to come home. She would usually inform me if she's going to stay out late. But this time she was just nowhere to be found. I asked Jessica if she saw Taeyeon but she told me she hasn't, and so did my other friends.

I was starting to ask myself a lot of questions. It only came down to ‘I don’t know what she feels but I hope it doesn’t affect our relationship’. It was frustrating. Really frustrating. Taeyeon’s ways of keeping things to herself has not changed at all. I’ve come to accept that part of her. I know she wanted to handle her problems

herself. I tried to understand her whenever she needs to be alone, whenever she needs to sort things out herself. But this time I don’t know how much more I can take.

Frustrations. I hate them.

Doubts. I despise them.

Secrets. I respect them.

But Taeyeon being secretive, was altogether frustrating and making me doubt on things. On us. On love. It wasn't a comfortable feeling.

Knock Knock. The doorknob twisted and the door opened.

I stood up from the couch as I checked if it was Taeyeon. I walked over and my heart was crushed at what I saw.

Wooyoung was carrying Taeyeon, she was smiling at him and touching his face. Wooyoung looked at me and then stepped inside. He went straight to the bedroom and went back to the living room after a minute.

I just stood there frozen to the spot. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak.

“She’s just drunk. Her car is already at the parking lot, her things are there too. I placed the key on the corner table near the bed. Uhm... I better go now.” He said as he slowly made his way towards the door.

“Wait...”, I mustered the courage to talk, “ ...what happened?”

“Nothing. She just got herself drunk at a bar we used to hangout. The owner was my friend and called me to pick her up.” He said with a blank expression.

Should I believe him?

“Uhm...” I started, not really knowing what to say.

I felt mad. Jealous. Confused. Annoyed. How can he be so calm when my whole being was in turmoil? How dare him.

“Look Tiffany. We never really got the chance to talk. I know that you two are together now. I love her still. But just to make it clear to you, I won’t steal her behind your back. If I want to win her back, I’ll fight fair and square. I’ll fight...", he paused as he stared deep into my eyes, "...like a man.” He said as he left without bothering for my reply.

What does he mean? His words kept ringing on my ears. He still loves her. Fight like a man? What is he trying to say?

I locked the door and walked towards the bedroom. I glanced at Taeyeon who was now sleeping soundly.

Sniff. Sniff. Tears welled up from my eyes.

I’ve never felt this lost and conflicted in my whole life. It hurts when you know the truth. But it sure does hurt a lot when you don’t know what’s going on.

“What’s going on Taeyeon?” Sniff. Sniff.

I grabbed my bag and headed out from the apartment. I need to think. I need to collect myself.

I thought about where our relationship stands now and looked back at how Taeyeon and I used to be. That pain from my unrequited love I felt for her years ago were gone when Taeyeon told me that she loved me too. But now, I don't know. That same pain I felt before was now back. It hurts a lot. I don’t even know where to start. But it hurts. It sure does hurt.

It feels like I was having a déjà vu.

Villains

June 2013. 2:33 AM.

“Jessie, where are you? I...uhh...I need to talk to you...”

“I’m still at the club with Yuri, Yoona and Hyo. Are you crying?”

“Uhhm... Uh... I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

“Okay. I’ll wait for you here. Take care Tiff.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

I hung up as I asked the cab driver to take me to the club. I need to talk to Jessica. To anyone for that matter. I just don’t want to be alone right now.

2:54 AM.

“Jessie.” I rushed towards Jessica who was standing outside the club entrance. She reached out to me with her arms wide open. She enveloped me in a warm hug.

“Tiff. Shhh. What happened?” she cooed as she wiped the tears from my cheeks.

“I... I don’t know. I don’t know where to start.” I stopped my sobs.

“Come on. I already asked them to excuse us for a while. Let’s head out somewhere else. I borrowed Yuri’s car.” She pulled my arm into the parked car across the street.

We drove towards Han River. We walked towards the railings alongside the river bank.

“Now talk.” She said softly.

I took a deep breath. Reliving everything was giving me a head ache. But my heart hurts more.

“Uhm... After Taeyeon and I got together... We were happy Jess. I was the happiest person alive at that moment. Taeyeon made me felt happier more than what I could ever imagine. Every day she would find ways to make me feel loved. She would constantly remind me that she loves me... It was heaven Jess... Taeyeon and I...”

I smiled at the memories of us.

“...I thought nothing would come between us you know. I thought the happiness would stay forever. Taeyeon promised me our happy ending. She was sweet like that...”

“Uh huh.” Jessica coaxed me to continue.

“Until these past few days. I haven’t really noticed. She’s been aloof towards me. Just this morning she almost snapped at me with no apparent reason. She basically ignored me. It’s like she doesn’t want to talk to me. She left school ahead without telling me or even return my calls or messages. I waited for her till midnight. Just an hour ago she came home. Or rather...”

I gulped. It felt like a clump of thorns was stuck to my throat.

“...she was brought home by...Wooyoung.”

“She what?!” Jessica exclaimed with an annoyed expression in her face.

“Yeah. He said she got drunk in a bar they used to go and that the owner was a friend of his who asked him to pick her up. But that’s not it... He told me that he still loves her but he won’t do anything behind my back. He said if he’ll win Taeyeon over again, he’d fight fair. He’d fight like a man.” I emphasized on my last sentence.

“But I thought Taeyeon made it clear that they’re over. Besides, it’s not like she called him to pick her up right?” Jessica eyed me.

I thought about it.

“Yes, I know. But then... among all places, why would she be there in a place where they used to go? Does that mean that Taeyeon still has feelings for him?”

I asked Jessica. But the truth was I was also asking myself the same question.

“Do you really think so?” Jessica asked as if reading my mind.

I paused for a while.

“I don’t know. But I feel like she’s hiding something from me. Why would she even do that? Does she not trust me? Am I not enough for her? Is she regretting being in a relationship with me?” I mumbled.

“Tiffany. Before you got together, we also thought that Taeyeon did not care about you, about your love for her. But she proved us wrong when she admitted herself that she’s had feelings for you too. Honestly, I think Taeyeon’s the type to keep things to herself. Maybe she’s just stressed with school work...the upcoming showcase... or about her family... or...”

Jessica paused. She held my hand and looked at me.

“What I’m saying Tiff, is that, she may be having problems that she doesn’t want you to know. It could be anything for all we know.” She continued.

“Jess, I’ve known Taeyeon for 5 years now. I know she can be secretive at times. I know how hard she tries to keep a tough image. She loves to act cool, calm and unaffected. I thought about it too, about the stress from the showcase. But no. You remembered that time she got sick and had a sore throat the day she was about to sing in that invitational performance in front of those international performers 2 years ago? She carried on but managed to pull it through. She was always confident when it comes to performing. It was never an issue to her. How can she be bothered and stressed this time?”

I said trying to get Jessica to understand my point.

“Okay. So maybe she just had something in her mind that she doesn’t want to tell you... Like I said, it could be anything that doesn’t have to do with you or your relationship.” Jessica spoke slowly. It’s now her turn to convince me.

“That’s bullshit Jess. What’s the point of being in a relationship if you can’t trust your partner? It’s not just about love. It’s also about trust. Trust, Jess.” I almost shouted my words. I was fuming.

“Calm down.” Jessica rubbed my arm.

“I respect the fact that she has secrets. We all do. But to the point of treating me that way? And see her drunk and being carried by her ex-boyfriend into the bedroom and hear him say that he still loves her? That’s bull.”

I could hardly keep the tears from streaming down my eyes.

“Jess, we haven’t done it you know...”, I spoke softly in between sobs, “...I asked her to wait till I’m ready.”

“Then there’s nothing wrong about it Tiff.”

“But... she has done it with him.” I shivered at the thought. My heart felt crushed.

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

“Shhh... let it all out.” Jessica rubbed my back and took her hanky and wiped my tears.

“I... I’ve always felt insecure about it. When I learned about it, yes I was hurt. But at that time I had no right to get hurt. She said she regrets it. I’ve come to accept it. It was her past. It did not change my love for her. But... it still doesn’t change the fact that... that... it happened... Wooyoung... his words... he said like he’ll fight like a man... I... I’m not sure if I can give Taeyeon everything. Heck I’m not even a man in the first place... For the short time that we’ve been together, Taeyeon has been playing the part of a man... taking care of me...”

My breathing was erratic. I choked in between my cries. I tried to compose myself.

“Jess. What if Taeyeon wanted someone to take care of her too, love her... the way Wooyoung loved her. I don’t know. I’m really scared right now... I don’t want to lose Taeyeon. To think that her mom did not approve of us... It hurts me. I love her so much... I love her...”

I cried hard. I could no longer go on. I slumped down as Jessica hugged me tightly.

I felt tired. I felt confused. I felt pain. I felt sick of this pain.

Where's our happy ending? Too many villains. Can we still fight this through?

Silence

June 2013. 4:29 AM.

The cold breeze swept through my face as I opened the car windows. It was still dark outside. The sun has yet to rise up. Jessica offered to get me home. As much as I don’t want to, she convinced me to talk things out with Taeyeon. She said, there must be a reason for her to act that way.

Sigh.

The car came to a stop and once again, I’m back at Taeyeon’s apartment.

“Tiff, if you need me just call. But please talk to her first. Okay?” She said while she held my hand and then pulled me closer for a parting hug.

“Thanks Jess. I will. See you at school.” I gave her a peck in the cheeks then stepped out of the car.

My heart was beating fast. I left Taeyeon who was still sleeping in our apartment. I don’t know whether I should talk to her first or wait for her to talk to me. Either way, I know we need to talk. I pushed the apartment door open and was greeted by a deafening silence. I went to the bedroom and saw my angel, wrapped up in a blanket and sleeping peacefully.

My insides were shaking. I felt an urge to touch her, to hold her close to me, to feel her warmth. But I resisted. At this moment I don’t know where I stand.

Instead, I walked towards the kitchen and prepared a sandwich. I felt hungry. I felt tired. After consuming it all up, I went towards the closet and got some clothes before heading towards the bathroom for a warm shower.

The water ran down through my body. It warmed me up. I closed my eyes. I gently rubbed my face with soap, all the stain that my tears left were now gone. I basked in the calming sensation the warm water produced. I felt so tired that I could no longer think straight.

I stayed in the bathroom for God knows how long. I changed into my clothes before stepping out.

I could hear Taeyeon’s soft snores. I sat on the foot of the bed and looked at her sleeping face. I started to hum, then sing out the words from the song I made for her.

Will it get better if I’m love sick like a cold? What happens if I’m love sick again?

Please take it away, this love that opened my eyes to you Why did you come to me without caution, without sound and shake me up? You make me want you and be in pain I hope every day for the day you will finally acknowledge me Can’t it be fulfilled just once? I’ve waited for a long time It was the first time I got to know love

“I love you TaeTae. I love you so much...” A teardrop fell. I got up before I could start to spill more tears. My eyes still hurt from all the crying. I don’t want to cry anymore, but I guess it can’t be helped. I took my things and went out of the apartment.

6:27 AM.

The school grounds were like that of a ghost town. It was still very early. I stood at the school gate.

This was where everything started. I thought I went to Korea to fulfill my dreams. But I found more than that. I found Taeyeon. I found love. I regret nothing. For what it’s worth, I’ll always cherish the moments I had with her.

I walked inside the school building and sat along a bench. The silence of the place was comforting.

9:20 AM.

More students started to flock the school. Everyone looked rushed and busy. Rehearsals for the showcase and concert were starting. I stood up from the bench

and walked towards the theatre. My feet wobbled, my head started to spin. I held on to the armrest of the bench as I steadied myself. I haven’t slept for the last 24 hours. Surprisingly, I did not feel sleepy at all. My mind could not rest, but I could feel my body craving for it. Whatever. I have to distract myself.

10:55 AM.

The 1st round of the rehearsal has just ended. I got up and went to a nearby chair. The sleeplessness has now taken a toll on my body. But I held up.

“Tiffany, are you okay?” Boa Unnie asked with a concerned expression.

“Uhm.. Yes, I’m fine Unnie.” I smiled at her.

“You’re performance was good but you seem to lack energy compared before. And your eyebags are showing.” She said.

“I-I just slept late... Yeah that’s it. I’m fine... really, I am.” I tried to convince her as I twirled around. My head spinned but I put on a big smile.

“If you say so Tiffany. Practice will start at 5 minutes.” She said.

Two days more and the showcase will start. The whole production was making sure that everything go smoothly as planned, hence the continuous rehearsals. Tomorrow would be the last day of rehearsals, giving us one more day to rest for the actual performance.

“I’m ready Unnie. Thanks for your concern.” I smiled. I could not let the production down if I’ll miss one rehearsal session.

2:48 PM.

I sang my last line and skipped out of the stage. I was stunned when I saw that familiar person. I saw Taeyeon making her way inside the theatre. My head rattled. I don’t know what to do. I eyed her as she sat on one of the seats in the front row and chatted with a production member. She looked happy. She looked fine.

My heart beat raced. I felt angered a bit. How could she stay like that after everything that happened?! Did she not remember how she acted the past 24 hours? How she acted when she was in Wooyoung’s arms?

“Ugh.” I sighed. I was annoyed. I went at the back stage of the theatre.

“Unnie, everyone’s being called out in the stage. Just a few reminders left to be announced.” Sulli informed me.

“Okay, coming.” I said as I involuntarily dragged myself towards the stage. I hope Taeyeon left. I’m still at lost at what to do with her.

I sighed when I saw her from the corner of my eyes, still sitting there. I know she’s waiting for me. Sigh. The production leader reminded us about our costumes and the details about tomorrow’s final rehearsal. For 20 minutes, the production crew and the casts discussed the routine. Everything was all set. Finally we were dismissed.

I yawned. I was beginning to feel sleepy. I felt very tired. I walked away from the stage and gathered my belongings.

I felt a hand beside my waist.

“Hi.” Taeyeon spoke.

I did not look at her. I walked away from the theatre. She followed behind.

“Honey...”

I stopped at my tracks. My heart skipped a beat. Oh how I missed that word. I missed it when she calls me that. I resisted the urge to hug her and kiss her. Images of the recent happenings popped in and out of mind. I started to walk again.

“Honey, my car’s over there. Come on. I’m hungry.” She did not wait for my reply. She grabbed my arm and she dragged me towards the parking lot. She opened the door for me. I hesitated but she lightly shoved me inside. She went to the driver’s seat. Before starting the engine, she leaned in closer towards me and

pulled my seatbelt and attached it. She smiled at me before clutching the steering wheel. What a prick.

I huffed. I felt annoyed once again. Just yesterday she acted weird. What a bipolar.

She started to drive as we head outside the school.

The car was silent. We drove in silence.

Drifting Away

June 2013. 4:14 pm.

So near yet so far.

Taeyeon and I sat beside each other in the car. Her focus was on the road while driving steadily. I have no idea where she is taking me. I don’t care. I was bothered by the silence between us. I stole a glance from her, and I could tell she wasn’t comfortable too.

“Ehem..” She tried to fake a cough. “...so, where were you this morning?” she asked softly. Her eyes still on the road.

I felt my heartbeat race.

“I should be the one asking you. Where were you last night?” I retorted. I tried to speak as calmly as possible.

“Out.” Taeyeon said plainly.

“Out huh.”

Silence.

“Honey... I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not telling you where I went---“

I interrupted her.

All at once everything came crashing down on me.

My doubts, insecurities, jealousy and anger. The walls around it keeping them hidden just tumbled down.

“And you’re going to tell me you’re sorry for being a bitch to me yesterday and sorry for not returning my calls, and wait. Let me see, you’re also going to apologize for going to the place you and Wooyoung used to go. Oh but that’s not just it, isn’t it? You’re also going to apologize for being drunk. I’m just not sure though if you’re going to apologize for having Wooyoung pick you up and carry you back home while you acted all touchy with him! I’m not fucking sure if you’re going to apologize for being in his arms while he strode inside your fucking apartment as I watched the two of you! And I’m not really sure if you’re going to apologize too that I was fucking hurt when your fucking ex-boyfriend told me in my face that he still loves you!”

I was screaming at her. I was left breathless after that. I could not control myself anymore.

Taeyeon stepped on the brakes hard. We were in the middle of the road.

Huff. Huff. Huff.

The only sounds that could be heard inside the car were our heavy breathing.

Taeyeon stared at me hard. Her eyebrows furrowed. Her mouth parted. Her jaw dropped.

“Fany... I---“

“You what Taeyeon?!” I stared back at her. My heart felt like it would burst out from my chest.

“I... I uhhh... I did not know that that happened... Trust me, it was nothing... I wasn’t aware of it. Please Fany, trust me. I---“

“What?! Trust you?!” I laughed sarcastically. I clenched my fist. “Hahaha. Trust huh. You’re really funny Tae. Asking that from me when clearly you don’t trust me! You can't even tell me what's going on your mind.”

“What? No. I trust you Fany. I do. And I love you. I love you so much...” She reached out for my hand. I flung it away.

“You know you don’t Taeyeon. Stop pretending. How many times would you keep things to yourself? If you really love me you’d want me to be part of your life.

You’d let me in. Just tell me if you can’t trust me. Just tell me if you still love him. Just tell me if you’re not happy with me.” I gulped. It hurts to let out those words, but I had to.

“But Fany..” She continued.

Honk. Honk. Honk.

We were still in the middle of the road. The cars behind us were honking like crazy.

I stared hard at Taeyeon. I waited for her to continue. I want to hear what she has to say. I just want her to tell me that she loves me. That she’s happy with me. That she trusts me. I just want her to cast away all of my doubts.

Silence.

Taeyeon stared at me. We stared at each other for a long time, ignoring the impatient cars behind us.

How could she be taking this long to speak up? Every second that passed was killing me. I could no longer stand it.

“Bye Taeyeon.” I grabbed my bag, opened the car door. I walked away from the car. I walked fast.

“Fany! Wait!” Taeyeon’s car followed me. She shouted through the open window.

“Fany!”

She pulled over on the side of the road and walked after me.I walked faster. Tears were now slowly forming. I took a step forward when suddenly my vision blurred, my head ached, and my body felt heavy. My feet wobbled. I closed my eyes.

Darkness enveloped me as I felt a pair of hands reach out towards me.

“Fany... Fany...”

I heard Taeyeon’s voice. She was so near me, holding me as I felt myself drifting away into oblivion.

Drowning

June 2013. 5:41 PM.

“Mmnnnngh...” I groaned. My head ached. My body felt sore. I looked around me. I was sitting in Taeyeon’s moving car.

“Honey? Are you awake now? I’m taking you to the hospital.” Taeyeon told me as she momentarily rubbed my shoulder.

“No. I’m fine now. What happened?” I asked her.

“You passed out on the street 20 minutes ago. Are you sure you’re okay? We should have you get checked.” She replied.

“No. I said I’m fine. I just need sleep.” I retorted. I still haven’t forgotten about our conversation earlier.

“Alright. Well, you can sleep now. I’m taking you somewhere else. It’s gonna take some time, but I’ll try to speed up.”

“Whatever. Drive carefully. One car accident in a year is enough for me.” I said as I looked at the car window before closing my eyes. As much as I wanted to put up a fight, my body just won’t cooperate with me.

7:18 PM.

“Honey? Honey... Wake up... We’re here.” I heard Taeyeon’s voice as I regained consciousness. Yawn. I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes.

I felt the salty smell in the air as Taeyeon opened the car door. She got out of her seat and moved towards my side of the car and kissed my lips. I was taken aback and shoved her away from me.

“Fany, are you still mad at me?” Taeyeon frowned while she held out her hand.

I ignored her hand and stepped out from the car. As soon as I got up, I felt my knees wobble and my head ache.

“Ughh.” I held my head as I lost balance and tripped. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for the fall.

Taeyeon caught me before I could fall. Her hands were on my back. She pulled me close towards her. I could feel her warm body against me. Our gaze met. We looked at each other, hoping to know what the other was thinking. Taeyeon inched closer. Her gaze dropped at my lips. She started to tilt her head and lower it.

I looked away and broke out from her grasp. I turned my back on her.

“Fany...”

I ignored her as I took a few steps away from her. And that’s when I realized where we are. It was already dark but I could not be mistaken. The refreshing smell of the sea filled my nostrils as I took a deep breath. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore filled the air. I walked towards the open sea until my shoes touched the sands. I felt nostalgic. This place has always been special to me. This was where I first realized that I’m in love with Taeyeon.

“Honey...” Taeyeon spoke behind me. I felt her hands make their way towards my belly as she clasped them together. She rested her head against my shoulder. I felt her hair tickle my nape.

“Tae...”

My pride would tell me to ignore Taeyeon and argue with her again. But screw pride. This is love. I just miss being held by Taeyeon. I wanted her to hold me so badly.

“Fany... I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’ve hurt you again. I’m sorry...” she said, her voice was breaking.

“Tae, I just want to know if you love me. If you still love me...” I placed my hands over hers. She pressed her chin closer to my shoulder.

“I do. I always do. I’m sorry about Wooyoung, I honestly did not know about it. If I have known, I would not have let it happen. Believe me, I love you and only you Miyoung.”

“Then what’s going on? What’s happening with you? You’ve been making it hard for me recently to trust your words.”

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you. But... I don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt you again. But I guess I still managed to hurt you anyway...”

“Then tell me. What is it all about?” I took her hands off me and turned to face her. I caressed her cheeks.

She looked down and sighed.

“Last week, I got a call from S.M Entertainment. Months ago, I sent them an audition tape. It was just random, well, Wooyoung convinced me to do it. They said that they’ll look over it. Time flew by and I did not expect to get a response from them. I thought I could no longer make it. But then they called. They offered me a contract as a recording artist. They said they loved my voice and that it would be perfect for their plans of discovering new talents. I would debut as a solo artist. I just have to train for 1 year since I come from the Arts and Music Academy.---“

I interrupted her and gave her a hug. I felt happy and proud. It was her dream, to have her talent appreciated, to perform before the crowds, to show it to the world.

“That’s great TaeTae! Why did you not tell me earlier? We should celebrate!” I smiled at her. I could not hide my excitement.

“Uhmm...” She looked away.

“Why? What’s wrong? Isn’t that good news?”

“I don’t know Fany. When I got the call, I did not tell you yet because I wanted to make sure that it’s a done deal already. I went there and talked to a representative. He discussed to me my contract if ever I agree to sign it. It should take effect after my graduation. It was good overall. Except for uhh. Except for the fact that I should not be in a relationship. They asked me if I’m in a relationship. I told them that I have girlfriend. They were surprised... And uhhh... They uhm...” her voice started to shake.

“They did not approve of it and want to break us apart, right?” I continued her words for her. It hurts me. But I could feel Taeyeon’s pain too.

“Yeah. I was conflicted. They told me to reconsider things. It got worse when Umma got wind of the deal. Somehow, I think the company called my parents too, to ask of their consent. Umma wanted me to sign it already. She told me it was a great opportunity. I told her that I don’t want to sign it unless they leave us both alone. I told her that my personal life is different from my future career. But she would have none of it. We argued. She made me choose again Fany. She said that I better not come home again if I still choose you. My dad was mum about it. He told me that he can’t do anything or else he’ll end up fighting with my mom... Umma, sh-she stood firm with her words. I-I uhh tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t t-talk to me...”

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

Taeyeon sobbed. She held her hands in her face while she broke down in front of me. She fell to her knees and cried more. I sat on her side as I pulled her closer to my chest and rubbed her back, hoping to ease her pain.

“Shhh... Tae...” I was speechless. I don’t know what to say. I felt a pang of guilt. I felt pained to see her like this.

I felt tears roll down from my eyes. I cried along with her.

The sound of the waves crashing towards the shore filled the air as if some kind of accompaniment to our cries. The cool wind blew against our bodies leaving us cold. I stared at the sea and its endless horizon. I imagined its infinite depth. I held Taeyeon closer. She may not be in the middle of the ocean, but I could feel her drowning.

Drowning in her sorrow and tears.

Past, Present, Future

June 2013. 8:10 PM.

“Hmn... Tae?” I spoke gently.

“Yeah?” she asked.

“Why did you bring me here?”

Taeyeon and I sat side by side on the sand. Her head was resting comfortably on my shoulder while my head on leaned on hers. We held each other’s hands, intertwining our fingers. Save for the rustling of waves, the silence we shared was comfortable. After letting everything out, Taeyeon calmed down. I chose to just be there for her and not say anything. I really don’t know what to do. What’s important is we’re together now, facing everything that comes our way together.

“Hmn? Why did you ask Honey? I just want to surprise you. We had fun here before.”

“I—I thank you. Have I told you how important this place is for me?” I clutched her hand tighter.

“Not really... Tell me then.”

"Well, this place is where I said to myself that my love for you is my past, my present and my future." I leaned in towards her face as I kissed her lips.

At this moment, the past seems like a better thing to talk about. Our present situation was a pile of tangled mess. I have no idea how to get out of it. Our future looks uncertain, it was all a blur. The past, on the other hand, was as vivid and as clear as the stars that hovered above the dark sky. But in whatever time I am, I would always think about my love for Taeyeon.

Taeyeon responded with the kiss as I kissed her deeper. Hoping the kisses we have will ease our worries away. I pulled back after feeling breathless.

I looked deep into her eyes and there I saw again what I saw years ago--- my past, my present, and my future.

July 2011. 1:00 PM.

“School’s over! Yay!” Taeyeon jumped up and down the hallway.

It was a hot summer afternoon. I felt annoyed at the weather. It was upsetting my mood.

“Yah. Fany. Are you okay?” Taeyeon scooted towards me.

“It’s too hot today. I’m burning up.”

Taeyeon smirked, her gaze slowly went from my head down to my white and pink printed v-neck shirt that was hugging my body curves snugly, to my dark blue tight-fitting skinny jeans, to my blood red 4-inch high heel shoes and back up

again. She folded her arms across her chest and rubbed her thumb on her chin before speaking up.

“Hmn. I agree. You sure do look hot today.” A wide smile was plastered on her face. Her smile went from amused to creepy. Her stare was focused intensely on my behind. My butt to be exact.

“What—you... You perv!” I pinched her ear and dragged her out from the school building, ignoring the onlookers. She would purposely tease me by staring on my butt, reminding me of our first meeting.

“Fany! Let go! I was just kidding---“

“Kidding? Stop perving on me Kim Taeyeon. I’m not in the mood for your jokes right now.” I let go of her ear as she rubbed them, only making it redder than before.

‘I wasn’t, it’s true. You look really hot... I mean, you look good today Fany. We’re best friends, I don’t tell lies.” She grinned.

“I meant the weather Taeyeon. It’s too hot today. Gah. I don’t wanna sweat to death here.” I exclaimed and pulled out my hanky and wiped the beads of sweat slowly making their way down.

“Eeewww. Sweaty Fany. Come on. I’ll take you somewhere else. You’ll love it there.” She smiled as she grabbed my hand. We head out towards the bus stop. I had no idea where we’re going.

“Where to Tae?” I asked puzzled.

‘It’s a surprise.” She giggled with excitement.

3:17 PM.

“Wakey, wakey! Waaaakeeeeyy Wakeeeeeyy Fanyyy.”

“Mnngg. Shut up.” I groaned.

“Yaahh!!!!” I screamed and leapt up from my seat when I felt someone blew air on my ears. I looked around as all the other bus passengers looked at me. I mumbled my apologies.

“Hahahaha. That always gets you.”, Taeyeon was clutching her stomach in amusement, “Ooops. Don’t hit me Fany. I woke you up because we’re almost there to our destination.”

The bus came to a halt and Taeyeon held my hand as we made our way out. As soon as we stepped out, I smell the familiar smell of the beach. The beach!

“Taeyeon! We’re at a beach!” I jumped up and down. I felt excited. I ran towards the shoreline and took off my heels and dropped my things on the sand. I hurriedly folded my jeans higher. I ran towards the open sea. My feet got wet. I raised both my arms to the air and inhaled the salty smell. The summer wind blew my hair as I closed my eyes to savor the moment.

“Glad you like it here.”

I looked around just on time when Taeyeon took out her phone and snapped a photo of me.

“Hey, unfair. I wasn’t ready. Let’s take a picture together. I want to remember this day. I really love it here!” I walked towards her smiling broadly and grabbed her phone to snap a picture of us.

“Wow. We look cute.” I said.

“No. I... Look... Sexy...” she said as she clicked on her phone and made our photo her phone wallpaper.

“Whatever. You’re still the cutest best friend to me.”

She pouted. She looked too cute. I couldn’t resist it anymore. I kissed her cheek quickly.

“Ow.” Her eyes widened. Her jaw hung open.

“Payback Taeyeon. And at the same time ‘thank you’.” I smiled. But deep inside me my heart raced. I love kissing her, even if it’s just in the cheeks. I turned around and made my way to a shaded part of the beach where I left my shoes.

Smooch. Taeyeon broke into a run after kissing my cheek. I froze.

“Payback Fany!” She exclaimed as she settled down on the shade. I snapped back into my senses and settled beside her.

Awkward. Stealing kisses from your best friend? Was that even normal? My heart skipped a beat. My body turned stiff. I could not take a glance at Taeyeon who was sitting just a few inches beside me. It’s been a while since I have ignored these feelings, I don’t want to be awkward around Taeyeon. But right now, everything turned really awkward.

“La la la la...” Taeyeon hummed a random melody.

“Nice tune.” I quipped. I felt like I just had to say something.

“Yeah. I heard that next year they’ll be teaching as the dynamics and basics of song writing. I’m trying to make out random tunes, just in case.”

“Ahh I see. Then perhaps I should practice my song writing skills in advance too.” I replied.

“Any particular idea as to what kind of song you’d like to write?” Taeyeon asked me seriously.

“I’ve always wanted to write a song for my mom since... since she left.” I said softly. “It was one of the reasons that I got into music. I wanted to be able to express my love for my mom hoping that she’ll hear my music wherever she may be right now. It’s one of my dreams.”

“Oh... That’s nice. You’re mom will be so proud of you, I’m sure of that.” Taeyeon inched closer towards me, closing our gap. She placed an arm over my shoulder and rubbed them up and down. She knows how sensitive I can get when it comes to my mother.

“Thanks Tae. How about you? Would you like to write songs for your mom too?” I asked.

“Of course, but it’s not on top of my priorities. I mean, I love my mom. It’s just that, I want to write about songs that encourage my audience to dream big, to not give on whatever they feel passionate about. I want to write songs that would inspire people to go on and dream and make it happen. Just like how I fight for my dreams to come true... my dreams of becoming a music artist someday. I don’t have to be famous. I’m not after fame. I just want to sing in front of people, to be able to touch hearts through my music. My dreams complete me Fany.”

I watched her intently while she spoke. She talked with passion, with sparkle in her eyes, with such firmness that made me think that no one could go against Taeyeon. She’s been working on honing her craft and improving herself more than me, or rather more than anyone I know. Taeyeon has always been passionate about her goals. It only makes me admire her more.

“But...”, Taeyeon continued as I gave her a nod, “...but if I’ll write a song about my mom—it will be a song about promise. My song would promise her that I’ll try to my best to make her proud. I’ll promise to her that I’ll always be here for her like she always been for me. My mom was my best supporter you know. She encouraged my dreams in music. She was always concerned about my well-being. I guess it would be fitting if I can assure her through a song that I’ll fulfill my responsibilities to her as a daughter.”

Taeyeon smiled. This time, she spoke gently about her mom. I could feel the love in her words, her respect, her adoration, and her gratitude.

I looked at Taeyeon’s face. The light from the sun seemed to make her glow. She looks like an angel. My angel. My best friend... and my love. It was at that moment that I accepted the fact that I fell in love with Taeyeon.

I fell in love with her for taking care of me, being sweet towards me, giving me reasons to smile, protecting me, and making me feel that I’m not alone. But most of all, I fell in love with her passion in doing the things that she love most, her love towards her family, and her dedication to achieving her dreams. It was really attractive and inspiring.

I placed my palm on Taeyeon’s hand and gently stroked it. She looked at me and smiled. I stared back deep into those eyes in front of me.

“I love you Taeyeon.” I said in my mind. I could no longer deny this feeling. Logic will have to follow later, but right now I just want to love her in my own way.

Come what may. Whatever the future holds, my love for her will remain.

My love for her will be my past, my present and my future.

Proving Love

June 2013. 11:44 PM.

Taeyeon drove us for almost 2 hours from the beach back to her apartment. We made a short stop earlier for dinner and went on our way. When we got back, we both headed towards the bedroom. I haven’t gotten enough sleep yet. And Taeyeon was tired from driving.

“Should I shower first?” Taeyeon asked as she opened her closet and grabbed her clothes.

“Ye---“

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was Taeyeon’s phone. She signalled me to go ahead and shower first. She checked her phone as I saw her show a worried look before answering it. I quickly grabbed a new set of clothes and went straight to the bathroom. I closed the door before me, but I pressed my ear before it. I was hoping that I could hear what the call is all about.

“...yes Hayeon. The showcase will be in 2 days.”

“Thanks, I’d really appreciate it if you could come over and watch me for the concert.”

“How’s Umma?”

“Oh.... Uhm.... I understand. I thought about it already. I won’t take it unless they leave me and Tiffany alone.”

“Yes... I know. I’ve waited for this break for a long time. I’ve waited before so I see no reason why I can’t wait some more for another opportunity to come by. I can still wait, my dreams are still alive. My goals have not changed...”

“Thanks for understanding. I love you Hayeon. Say hello to everyone for me.”

“Alright. See you soon. Bye.”

I peeled my ear off the bathroom door as I heard Taeyeon’s loud sigh.

Her dreams.

Her mom.

Versus me.

I breathed hard. I walked over towards the tub. I stepped in and waited for the water to fill the space. My body eased up. I washed myself as I closed my eyes. Everything was not making sense to me.

After a while, I went out of the bathroom dressed in a pink tank top and yellow PJs. I felt somehow refreshed after showering and brushing my teeth. I wanted to call it a day already. I looked for Taeyeon who was not inside the bedroom. I saw her leaning against the living room window staring into nowhere.

“Tae...” I leaned over her shoulder and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek, “Wash up now so you can rest.”

Taeyeon looked at me and cupped my face as she kissed my lips gently. She left and excused herself and headed straight into the bathroom. I followed her slowly and went on to sit on the side of the bed.

I picked up the picture frame propped on top of the corner table near her bed. It was a picture of her and her family. They looked happy, contented, and loving. Taeyeon got her looks from her mom. They had the same gentle yet intense eyes. I

remembered the 1st time I met her family on Taeyeon’s birthday dinner. Taeyeon’s mom was very attentive and doting to her children’s needs. She was very caring and thoughtful. Taeyeon must have gotten that side of hers from her. I could not deny that mother and daughter had a good relationship--- not until I came into the picture.

Sigh.

If anyone else knew how it feels like to not have her mom beside her that should be me.

It was difficult growing up without a mother. The simple pleasures in life such as having someone to prepare delicious meals for the family, someone who looks over the whole household, someone who reads bedtime stories, someone who goes to her kid’s song recitals and cheer like there’s no tomorrow, someone you can complain to when you’re bullied, someone to hug you when all your demons come chasing you in your nightmares, someone who rallies behind you when things don’t go your way, or even someone who drags you to the mall or saloon for that much needed makeover--- these were the things in life I was deprived off when I grew up without my mother.

Can I let Taeyeon feel that kind of frustration? That kind of loneliness?

Every one of us, at some point of our lives, have come up with a dream. We dream of things we want to be someday. Life always moves forward. The future being our guide to the things we do at the present moment. We prepare for our future by accomplishing our dreams and our goals. Music has always been a part of my life. I can’t imagine myself without it. Taeyeon, is not different from me. She dreams of her life around music too. She was passionate about her goals. She wanted them and I know she would do anything to get them. But here it is, the fulfilment of her long-time passion in music being laid out right in front of her face. Just like driving, all she needs is to step on the gas pedal and she’s on her way to the fulfilment of her dreams.

Yet she can’t. I’m standing on her way.

“Fany?”

I jumped back with surprise. My thoughts were interrupted.

Taeyeon came out of the bathroom wearing her blue PJs as she brushed her hair with a towel before putting it away. She sat beside me on her side of the bed.

“Should we sleep now?” she asked while she snuck under the bed covers and I followed suit. I closed the table lamp near me.

“Tae...” I turned to look at her.

“Yes?”

“Are you happy to be with me?”

“Huh? What kind of question is that? Of course I am. I love you Hwang Miyoung and I won’t have it any other way.” she pulled me closer towards her.

“Are you ready to face the future with me?”

“Miyoung... You are my future. You told me earlier that your love for me is your past, present and future. Same goes for me. You are always a big part of my past, through your love, you made me become stronger in facing the present challenges that I have encountered, and you are the only person that I plan to have a future with.”

“I don’t want to keep you away from the things that could make you happ---“

I wanted to tell her that I want her to be happy. I want her to go on with her dreams and forget about me. I want to tell her that she should just listen to her mom. I want to tell her that I’m willing to set her free... I’m willing to let her go because it is the right thing to do... As much as I love her, I want to see her happy too. Even if it means she has to be apart from me...

But her lips crashed against mine stopping me from talking further.

She propped herself on top of me, both of her arms trapping me beneath her body. She looked at me in the eyes. Slowly she bent her head and kissed my forehead. She moved her lips down as she kissed the bridge of my nose, my cheeks, my chin and then my lips.

“Taeyeon...” I mumbled against her lips. I closed my eyes.

She kissed my lips lightly. She parted my mouth with her tongue. I welcomed the warmth and moisture as my tongue greeted hers.

Her knees grazed the insides of my thigh. She lowered her body towards mine. I felt her upper body touch mine as I shivered at the warm contact.

“Mngghh uhhhnnn..” I moaned in between our kiss. My hands were getting impatient. I placed my hand on her neck and pulled her closer as her body crashed into mine. She adjusted her weight as we momentarily broke the kiss to gasp for air.

‘Taeyeon...”, she was now slowly kissing and licking every part of my left ear, “...I uhh... I do-don’t want to uhnghh.. come between y-you and y-your dreeaaams...”

It was really hard to talk with Taeyeon’s mouth making their way towards my neck, nibbling on my vein.

“Mnngghn... Ahhh... Tae... I-I’m willing to s-set you f-freee...”

“I love you Hwang Miyoung. Now stop talking. All I want to hear is you calling out my name.” She told me as she temporarily stopped her ministrations on my neck.

“But Taeyeon---“

She kissed me wildly this time. She was very much aggressive. Her tongue was like a battering ram against my mouth as she snacked on my lips.

Her hands reached out towards the hem of my shirt as she pulled it out of me in just a matter of seconds. She looked at me in the eye. Her gaze was intense. I blinked. I understood. I took off my bra and tugged at her shirt. She removed my pajamas and my panty before taking off every piece of clothing left on hers.

“You look beautiful.” Taeyeon said as her lips and tongue went back to ravaging my body. She kissed my neck as her hand caressed the side of my waist. She kissed my lips, down to my chin, she lowered her head more and her kisses landed on my collarbone, heading lower to my breasts. She concentrated on my two mounds as if she was eating an ice cream.

“Mngghh... Ohhhh.... Taee... Ahhhnn....” I clutched at her hair as she kissed, licked and sucked.

“Fany, I love you...”

“I love you t---- Ahhhhhng...” I arched my back. The sensations I was feeling were overwhelming. It took away my exhaustion and drowsiness. Taeyeon was giving a different kind of energy. Reinvigorating my hwole body.

Taeyeon left my breasts and headed down on my belly. She placed wet kisses as she moved down south.

She placed both her hands on my thighs spreading them. I shuddered at her touch. She kissed the insides of it and peppered it with slow, warm and wet kisses.

“Ahhhng.. Tae.... I—I uhhhhhghh.....Taeyeon!” I clutched at Taeyeon’s hair and gripped the sheets as I came. It was an electrifying, mind-blowing sensation.

Taeyeon went back to lick my southern mound clean. She sucked on my entrance as I panted heavily. She was working non-stop. I gripped her shoulders and dug my nails hard.

“Ahhhhh... Tae... Nnggg...”

She propped herself up again and kissed my neck down to my breasts. Her hand was now between my thighs, rubbing the folds down south. I felt her fingers slowly trace circles around my entrance.

‘Fany, are you ready?”

I nodded as she kissed me deep in the mouth.

“This will hurt. I’ll be gentle, just bear with it okay?” She said as she sucked on my tongue.

I felt her enter me slowly as I flinched in pain. I felt uneasy. I placed my hands on her back, digging my nails on it as I felt the sting of the pain.

“Uuuuuhhhhnn... Slowly Tae...” I whispered.

She continued entering me as slowly as possible, yet going deeper and deeper inside. I was slowly getting used to the feeling now. I bucked my hips to meet her fingers. Taeyeon sensed my impatience as she sped up.

I pulled her face towards me as I kissed her frantically.

“Tae.... I’m almost there.... Ahhhhh!” I screamed. I arched my back as my toes curled, my head slung forward. My body felt electrified after the release. I panted heavily. Taeyeon continued to kiss me.

‘I love you Hwang Miyoung.”

“I love you too Kim Taeyeon...”

I kissed her on the lips. I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her down towards the bed. I was now on top of her.

“...now, it's my turn. Kim Taeyeon, let me show you how much I love you.”

We went on until the wee hours of the morning. We were both panting heavily afterwards. We went to sleep with arms around each other. I looked at her face one more time.

“I’m sorry Taeyeon. I love you so much. I won’t stand in your way...” I said to myself as I drifted off to sleep.

Tonight was just another way of expressing and showing our love for each other. It was a night I will never regret and I will never forget. I love Taeyeon more than I could love myself. But I already had in mind another way of proving my love for her.

Key To My Heart

June 2013. 9:45 AM.

Kriiing. Kriiing. Kriiing.

“Ughh...” I flung my arms to get the alarm clock.

Kriiing. Kriiing. Kriiiing.

“Honey, will you make it stop?” Yawn. Taeyeon groggily mumbled. I opened my eyelids halfway and glanced at the annoying little object.

“Oh my gosh!! TaeTae, wake up. We’re late for school. Today will be the final rehearsals!”

I stood up from the bed not realizing how naked I was.

Whistle.

“Taeyeon!” I gasped. I blushed madly as I pulled the blanket to cover my body, only to pull it away from Taeyeon’s also naked body.

“Oww. Sorry, sorry.” My eyes widened at the sight of her glorious body in broad daylight.

“Hahahahaha. No need to be sorry. Well... We’re running late right? I was thinking...” She smirked as she crawled closer towards me.

“...that if we shower together, we’d save up some time.” She said with a straight face.

What a devil. And a pervert.

“Wh-what?? It--it’s too early for that you know. We-- we’re late Taeyeon.” I blushed as I moved away from her, clutching the blanket on my chest. The lower part of my body was still sore from last night. I felt my cheeks burn as I remembered everything we did.

“Which is why showering together will save us time. Shower. Together. Unless, you have something else in mind.” She looked at me with a sly smile. She then turned her gaze to her fingernails and nonchalantly flicked it, as if getting some dirt off.

“What?! No. Uuhh—uhhm. I’ll go now, I’ll be quick.” I ran away from her towards the bathroom. I felt hot and bothered.

Oh Taeyeon. But I can’t miss the final rehearsals.

“Focus Tiffany. Focus.” I said to myself as I hurriedly washed myself.

I stepped out of the bathroom and saw Taeyeon still lounging on the bed with the blanket covering only her chest and her waist. Her thighs were still exposed. She really looks sexy. Even after showering, I felt a bead of sweat roll down from my forehead.

She stood up and made her way towards the bathroom. I looked away.

Paaaak. She spanked my butt.

“Yaaaah!” I shouted at her.

“Hehehe. Good morning Honey. I love you.” She smiled widely as she closed the bathroom door.

I smiled like crazy. “I love you too Taeyeon.” I shouted back.

This is just going to be difficult. I love you Taeyeon but there are some things that I need to do, that I have to do.

10:15 AM.

After grabbing a quick breakfast, Taeyeon drove us to school. We went our different ways as we head out towards our respective rehearsals. It was going to be a long day. I felt more inspired than ever to take on my part in the musical. The showcase committee did a final run through of all the performing departments. I bumped into my friends as we wished each other good luck.

6:00 PM.

Rehearsals ended late. Everything was being polished. Every aspect of the musical was being closely monitored and perfected. Taeyeon visited the theatre every chance she gets. I haven’t had the time to see her in her rehearsals. I head out from the theatre to look for her.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Siwon Oppa! Long time.”

“You got married already? Wow! Congratulations. Sorry if I haven’t sent you a wedding gift.”

“Really? I’ll be glad to meet your wife here in Seoul. That would be next month right”

“Yes. Just one more term and I will be graduating. Why did you ask?”

“No, I have no definite plans after.”

“Really? Broadway Asia? Wow. You sure do know a lot of important people Oppa.”

“The day after tomorrow is going to be our school showcase. I have a supporting role in a 3-day run musical. Yes, the academy trained us well with singing, acting and dancing.”

“Geez. I can’t believe I’m hearing this right now. Thank you Oppa. I owe you a lot!”

“Okay. Bye. Thanks again.”

The phone call ended. My eyes brimmed with tears. It was such an overwhelming feeling. This is it. I’ve been waiting for this. I wanted this so bad.

“Honey?”

I looked around and saw Taeyeon smiling at me. I wiped my eyes. She rushed towards me and frowned.

“Mwo? Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” She looked concerned.

“Nothing TaeTae. Something irritated my eyes, that’s all.” I lied.

“Alright then. C’mon. Let’s have some dinner.”

Taeyeon and I left the school hand in hand. I looked back to that phone call. I felt overwhelmingly happy. Taeyeon must have felt the same way when S.M Entertainment called her. Our dreams are a big part of our lives. It was why we met in the first place.

Two people starting out to make their dreams come true. Right now, it’s just me and her, trying to figure out which comes first.

Our love?

Or our dreams?

8:11 PM.

We strolled together inside the mall where we had our dinner. We were just like every other couple enjoying each other’s company, getting lost at each other’s eyes and smiling at each other’s words. Some people were rude enough to shot us a disgusted and glaring look. I threw them off away by glaring back. Taeyeon would just smile at me and kiss me on the cheek.

“Don’t mind them. They envy us. You see, we’re two hot girls in love with each other.” She smirked.

I smiled. I felt my heart melt and my temper calming down.

“I just hate it when people judge us.” I said.

"True. But they don’t matter to us. I love you and you love me. That’s it.” She smiled again.

We continued to walk alongside the different shops until something on the display window in a jewelry shop caught my eye.

“Tae. Could you buy me some watermelon-flavored jelly worms, I want them sweet not sour. And perhaps some ripe oranges. Seedless. I want them peeled okay? I’ll wait here.”

“Oh no.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m going to be a dad.”

“What?!”

“I got you pregnant. Oh no. You’re starting to have these weird cravings already!” Taeyeon face palmed herself. She frowned and then pouted.

“Hahahaha. Whatever dork. Go now or you won’t get a kiss from me.” I pushed her away gently as she left to buy the things that I asked for. It should take her some time to get those, I thought. I went to the shop where I saw those silver necklaces on display.

“Excuse me miss? May I see the lock and key necklaces on display?”

The lady behind the counter gave me the exquisite pair of sparkling silver jewellery. I ran my fingers on them as I examined each detail on both items. The silver lock had a diamond heart on its center, while the key necklace had a heart on its center too.

“How much is this?” I asked. I need not worry about its price though. Taeyeon was worth every penny I have.

“600,000 won each.”

“I’ll take it.” I beamed as I handed her the money. I felt excited. I want to show it Taeyeon.

The lady gave me the set. I placed it inside my bag carefully as I went back to where I asked to wait for Taeyeon.

Lock and key.

It was fitting. I felt that it was made for us. No matter what happens in the future, Taeyeon will be the only one who can open my heart. I’ll lock my love safely and securely. No one else can dare break into it. Not even time or distance can take it away.

It’s only for Taeyeon. She holds the key to my heart.

Promises

June 2013. 8:27 PM.

“Honey.” Taeyeon called out and ran towards me panting heavily.

Huff. Huff. Huff.

“TaeTae? Are you okay?” I asked while I rubbed her back.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Errr... I’m sorry... I wasn’t able to find what you wanted. I already asked everywhere. I’m really sorry Honey. Please forgive me.” She said with an apologetic look as she clasped her hands together as if begging for my forgiveness.

“Oh. It’s okay. I lost my appetite anyway.” I chuckled. I thought of how stupid my request was. Watermelon-flavored jelly worms? Seedless oranges? Hah. But seeing Taeyeon care so much about what I wanted warmed my heart.

Smooch. I kissed her on the lips, not minding that we were in a public place.

“C’mon, let’s just go home.” I said as I grabbed her hand.

“Home? But it’s still early Honey. I say we go somewhere else.” She smiled.

“Okay TaeTae. You’re the boss.” I smiled back.

9:11 PM.

After almost 20 minutes of driving, Taeyeon stopped in front of a tall building. About 50 floors. I looked at her puzzled after we stepped out of the car.

“Why are we here Tae?” I asked but she just tugged me along with her inside the entrance.

“You’ll see. I’m sure you’ll like it there. Sunny knows the person who owns this building and introduced me to him. He’s an old businessman, very warm and kind. He’s a family friend of Sunny’s. He said that Sunny’s friends are always welcome here. He was like our grandpa.”

“Good evening Miss Kim.” The receptionist at the lobby greeted Taeyeon as she smiled and nodded back.

“How come I don’t know about this?” I asked.

“Well, it was a secret between Sunny and me. Last year when we worked together on that classical music duet, she took me here to practice. It’s much better here. I’ve been visiting this place after that. Whenever I needed to concentrate on something, or just needed to be alone to think.”

Taeyeon led me towards the elevator and pressed the top level button. As we went outside the elevator, we took the stairs then she pushed a door open.

“Wow. This is amazing!” I exclaimed, my eyes widened at the sight before me.

We were on the rooftop of the building. The wind on top blew against my hair. The city lights were sprawled right before my eyes. The tiny dots of white, yellow and orange glow were a contrast to the darkness of the night. The moving cars looked like small fireflies going back and forth. The buildings lit up like decorated Christmas trees. It was like looking at hundreds of Christmas lights, only better.

“I told you you’ll like it here.” She said as she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me from behind.

“Why do you keep on bringing me to the most amazing places Taeyeon?” I asked softly. It beats me how she always comes up with the most unforgettable places to take me.

“Because...”, she said as she held me tighter but not too tight as to crush me, “...someone as amazing, as beautiful, and as lovely as you deserves to be taken only to the best places I could think of. I know there are more places better than where we are now. But I’ll take you there someday. I want to travel the world with

you Miyoung. I want us to visit the places together. I want to show you everything, every best thing that this world has to offer.”

I turned around and got something from my bag. I handed her the box.

“What’s this?” She asked as she snapped the ribbon and slowly opened the box.

I took a deep breath.

“The lock is for me while you get to have the key.” I smiled at her while her gaze fixated on the necklaces. She ran her fingers through them and continued to stare at the two glimmering necklaces while I continued.

“Taeyeon, you are my best friend and my lover. You’ve always been there for me at the time when I needed someone. You were always there to take care of me. You’ve always been my inspiration. Your hard work and determination to reach for your goals made want to accomplish more too.” I paused as I looked at her still staring at the necklaces.

“I know that there were times that you keep things away from me, to protect me. And for that I thank you... In the past I’ve kept some things away from you too. I used to love you without telling you because I was scared that you would reject me, or worst, ignore me. In the past, I could not bear the thought of you leaving me. I haven’t told you about all of my insecurities towards our relationship, all of my fears and doubts. But Tae, I hope we could learn to express ourselves more. I want to be honest to you, and I want you to do the same for me too.” Taeyeon looked up and met my gaze.

“Tae... I love you. You’ve given the word ‘love’ a different kind of meaning for me. I will always be thankful for that. Taeyeon, I will always love you. Please keep my words to your heart. I love you so much that I want you to do the things that would make you happy. I want to see the world with you too. But I don’t want to stop you from reaching out to the things that you’ve long wanted. You’re a good person Tae, a good lover, a good friend, a good sister, and a good daughter. I don’t want to take you away from the people who love you. From the people you love--“

Taeyeon hugged me tight as she buried her face on my neck.

“Fany... No... Please stop... Please... We’re not breaking up, are we?” Taeyeon’s voice cracked while her shoulders shook. I sensed her desperation. I felt her tears flowing on my neck.

“Tae...”, I held her back as gently as I can, “...let’s just say that we’ll be going on vacation without each other. Going to places we’ve never been and doing things we haven’t done yet. By the time our individual vacation is over, we can share the experiences we had. We can learn more from each other. Tae... I have my own dreams too. I’m not saying this because I don’t love you. I love you so much that I want you to spread your wings and soar high. I don’t want to stop you from doing the things that you need to do. We both know that I am standing in your way. Please don’t hold back...”

“Fany... Please... It hurts... Stop... You can’t do this to me...” She said in between her sobs. I felt my own tears coming out too.

“Tae... I don’t want to be selfish. Love isn’t meant to be selfish. I love you that I’m willing to let you go. It doesn’t mean that I love you any less. I just want you to love yourself too. It will hurt both of us. But please trust in our love. I know there were times that I have doubted your love for me. But you always proved them wrong. I trust you Taeyeon. I trust you with my life. All the love that I have in my heart will remain there. I will keep it locked safely. No one, nothing can take it away. I will love you still even if we’re apart. You will always have the key to my heart. Only you Taeyeon.”

I took the box away from her hands as I took the key necklace. I kissed her tear stained face and gently placed the necklace on her neck.

I gulped .

I tried to stop my own tears.

I felt my own heart being squeezed tighter. It hurts but I need to do it.

“Taeyeon, I want you to sign the contract. I want you to pursue your dreams. Go for it. I want you to go and see your mom tomorrow. Talk to her, please... Tae... Don’t worry. We still have 1 school term left to be together. After our graduation, you’ll be on your way to singing in front of the crowd, touching people’s hearts with your music. While me, I’ll be away to do the things that I love. Singing and acting in musicals.”

“Fany... I want us to be together... Always... Please...” She said. She cried hard again as she dropped to her knees clutching at my legs.

“Tae...”, the sight of her like this was killing me.

“Fany... I love you... I won’t let go...” She sobbed. I bent down and took her in my arms.

“Tae... I love you... I love you so much... Please stay strong. I’m trying too. But please understand... I will wait for you Taeyeon. I will never stop loving you. Please, my heart will always belong to you. But your dreams are yours. I don’t want to take them away from you... I can’t live with the fact that once in my life I kept the person I love most from going after her dreams. I just can’t. It hurts me so much to see you unable to reach for it. I will still love you even from afar. I will always... always----”

I held her while we both cried. Her cries softened as she took the lock necklace from the box and placed them on my neck.

“Miyoung... Thank you... I love you... It hurts... I want you to go after your dreams too... But please, wait for me. Please... I will open that lock someday, and you would never have to lock it up again. Ever. I love you so much... No matter what happens, please... I won’t stop loving you... I will always love you wherever I am, whatever I do... Please promise me, you’ll wait for me...” She said as she kissed me.

Tears continued to stream down from our eyes. I broke the kiss and wiped her tears away. She caressed my face with her hands. I looked deep into her eyes.

“Taeyeon... I promise. We may be apart but I will always take your love with me wherever I go and whatever I do. You are my past, my present, and my future. You hold the key to my heart. It will only open to you. I love you.”

“Miyoung, I love you. I will always do. Always know, you are my forever. I promise you that this heart will beat for you forever. Only for you.”

We stared at each other’s eyes for a long time, we both melted in each other’s embrace. The cold wind blew. The silence of the night blended along with the beating of our hearts. The stars above us were the witnesses of our promises.

Replacing Tears W/ Smiles

June 2013. 10:24 PM.

The ride back to the apartment was silent. Only our breathing could be heard inside the car while we avoided each other’s gaze. When we got back, I stepped inside the living room and sat on the couch. Taeyeon went straight to the bedroom and not long, I heard the shower open.

I hope I did not hurt her that bad. It hurts me too. But I need to do it--- for her, for us.

I went inside the bedroom and changed my clothes. I felt tired. I sneaked inside the bed covers and closed my eyes.

Through the dripping of the water from the bathroom I could hear her muffled sobs.

My heart stopped beating. It was momentarily paralyzed. A tear trickled down my eye.

5:09 AM.

I woke up earlier than usual. I looked around the bed and moved my hands around. Taeyeon was nowhere to be found.

Sigh.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. My mind and body was numb. I felt the silver lock necklace hanging on my neck.

“Did I make a mistake?” I asked myself.

I stepped out and went to the living room. I saw Taeyeon sleeping on the couch. My heart ached with sadness. I sat on the floor near the couch as I stroked her cheeks. I played with the key necklace hanging on her neck.

“I hurt you bad, didn’t I?” I whispered softly. She looks like a sleeping angel. The soft features on her face successfully masked whatever pain she was going through. She was so beautiful even in her sleep.

She twitched and moved around. I stroke her arm as I sang her a slow and sad version of a song I’ve known.

Fairy Tale/My Child

With a white piece of paper and a slightly worn pencil I draw of the future days of just you and I

Without making a sound, I listen closely And before I know it, I fall asleep with a smile

If I go to the top of the hill and I look down I can see only you amidst the wide and broad world

Just close your eyes and don't move for a bit I erase a bit as my drawing is almost completed

There's a small flower pot on top of the large tree and red roof With two kids chasing behind

If you go to the top of the hill and look down It's our one and only story amidst the wide and broad world

Let's fill a treasure chest full with our wishes And hide it underneath the tree that we chose The fairy tale of you and I

In between the pretty picture unfolding in front of our eyes Hear the laughter of the happy children

The smoke in the chimneys and the seagulls by the ocean You've given up on the dreams you've drawn, haven't you, my love

If you go to the top of the hill and look down It's just you and I amidst the wide and broad world

Dreaming underneath the bright sun light It's just you and I and the playful children The children and you and I Our fairy tale

She blinked. She opened her eyes slowly and she rubbed them.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” I smiled at her. I caressed her face.

She looked at me gently with her bloodshot and puffy eyes. I felt guilty. I stood up but she held my hand and pulled me towards her. I sat on the couch, leaning on her waist. She leaned her body against my back. We stayed still for a moment before she spoke up.

“I’ll be going to S.M later. I’ll finalize the deal with them. Then head back to Jeonju. I’ll ask Umma to watch the showcase tomorrow. I’ll be back early tonight. Will you be fine here just by yourself?” She asked as she clasped her hands on my waist.

Her voice was calm. I felt relieved.

“That’s good. Yes. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Uhhm... Tae... I think I’ll have to move back to my old apartment later. My sister and brother are visiting in 2 days. They’ll need a place to stay so that we can catch up. I have to prepare the apartment for them.” I said.

“Will you introduce me to them?” She asked carefully.

“You don’t have to ask. I’m planning on it. I’m sure they will love you.” I said cheerfully.

“Great! I’ll bring some homemade kimchi for them.” She replied excitedly.

“Hmnn. One more thing, I’m meeting Siwon Oppa later.” I spoke carefully. I haven’t explained yet how Siwon and I turned out to become just friends.

She let go of me quickly and jolted up. I quickly gave her an explanation of what really happened back then at the club and what happened when we left. She calmed down.

“Oh. But I still want to break his nose though.” She said after hearing the story.

“Stop being jealous of him Tae, he’s a good man. He’s married now and he’s bringing his wife later. He wants me to meet up with him and introduce me to one of the directors of Broadway Asia, who is a good friend of his. He said he recommended me to join the company.” I told her.

“Wow. That’s great.” She said giving me a forced smile.

“Tae...” I looked at her, sensing the sadness in her voice.

“I’m happy for you. I sincerely am. It’s just that... If you’ll make it there, you’ll travel a lot. You’ll be busy touring and performing. Men will be throwing themselves at your feet----“

“I don’t care. I have already given my heart to you. Besides, if you’re going to be a music artist someday, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of fanboys and fangirls. I should be more jealous.” I smiled at her, trying to keep our conversation light.

“Hmn... True. That’s a possibility. But I’ll be your biggest fangirl and patron Fany.” She smiled back.

“And I will be yours too. Just don’t get a girlfriend or a boyfriend okay? I know there are lots of hotter and younger looking celebrities out there. If you get into a relationship... No, I don’t want to think about it. Surely, you don’t want to visit me

in jail after I kill whoever that person who dares steal you from me.” I said, still smiling at her.

“Haha. I won’t. Besides, visiting a Broadway star in jail will be bad publicity. How can I tell the press that my one and only love is a murderer?” She chuckled.

“I wonder what kind of image they’ll groom you into. The dorky Kim Taeyeon? The pervert Kim Taeyeon? I can already imagine. But I hope they’ll go for the angel Kim Taeyeon.” I said as I wrapped my arms around her.

Despite our light banter and forced jokes, I could feel the tension between us. Everything that we’ve talked about reminds me of the possibility that we may not end up together. It was hurting me so bad.

“So this is it huh? Our near future?” She said. Her tone turning serious.

“Yes. This is it. Our near future without each other. But as long as you have the key to my heart, and I have locked all my love for you to open it again someday, then we’ll be fine.” I tried to convince her. And myself too.

Inhale. Exhale.

“Are you really sure about this Fany?” Taeyeon asked. Her voice was becoming unsteady again.

I turned to face her. I held her face with both hands as I bent down gently to give her a long deep kiss.

“This is for us Taeyeon. We’ll be fine. My love will never change.” I tried my best to tell her those words. I’m trying not to break down. I need to be strong.

“Yes...” she spoke slowly, “We’ll be fine Fany. We’ll be fine. I love you Honey.” She said as she kissed my forehead.

“Fany... Just trust in me okay. No one can ever replace you. I will love you and no one else. You want me to go after my dreams. I’m going for it now. But always know that you are my inspiration. You are the reason that I’m going to fight for it. In your own journey towards you dreams, I’ll be right here...”

She placed her finger on my heart. “...I’ll always be with you. In the future whether we fail or succeed in the things we do, always remember that you have me. I have you. We have each other’s love.”

I looked at her and saw her watery eyes. I placed my hand over them and closed them. I don’t want to see her cry anymore.

“Just close your eyes. Please don’t cry my love. This isn't goodbye. You still have my heart, you always will.” I kissed her closed eyes while she held both of my hands.

“I love you Taeyeon. I love you so much.” I said as I buried myself closer to her. Her words were enough to comfort me through my own fears. Someday I will replace those tears with smiles. Right now we just have to stay strong for each other.

We have each other. Whatever we do, wherever we go, we will always have each other’s love.

Someone Familiar

June 2013. 7:42 PM.

“I’m still at my apartment Tae. I’m done fixing the whole place. Yes, takeout pizza sounds great. See you later... Take care... I lo---“

The line went dead before I could say I love you to her. Technically, we’re no longer in a relationship. But we still love each other. Is that complicated? Committed but not in a relationship. Commitment? No. Not really. Taeyeon is now free to do whatever she wants. I am too. The moment I asked Taeyeon for our so called ‘individual vacation’ it was like setting her free. I don’t want her to be trapped in the confines of our ‘relationship’.

Labels don’t define a relationship.

Taeyeon loves me and I love her. But for the sake of our dreams, it’s better to play it safe. We still have the silent agreement to love and be faithful to each other. In our current situation, labels would not do us good. I don’t want Taeyeon to feel bound to me. Not now. Not when she has everything right in front of her. I realized that if in the end we won't end up with each other, it's going to be my fault. No not really. There's nothing wrong with setting Taeyeon free. There's nothing wrong with putting the happiness of the one you love first before your own. It's a sacrifice. Dreams and love. It's a goddamn sacrifice.

8:09 PM.

“How’s Jeonju?” I asked her as she munched the last piece of pizza that she brought us to my apartment. She took a glass of water and gulped. We were lounging on my couch while the local tv news in my living room. My head rested on her shoulder.

“I talked to Umma. We’re good now. And... I’ve been to S.M. They’re giving me a 4-year contract. 4 years Fany...” Her voice was starting to break down again.

“Uhm...” I spoke slowly, “...I’ve discussed things with the Broadway Asia director. I gave him my credentials as a performer. And... Uhm... Right after graduation I’ll be flying to New York for a 6-month training and contract formalities. Then I’ll be sent to China for the Asian leg of the theatre tour. I’ll be based there. I’ve agreed to a 3-year contract Tae. I already called my family in the States and they were very supportive of it.”

Taeyeon and I looked at each other in the eye. We both know where this is heading.

I took a deep breath and snuggled close to her. She pulled me tighter towards her.

We held each other in silence.

June 2013. 3:00 PM.

The school was packed with students minding their own business. Today was the 1st day of the musical. Everyone was feeling jittery. The whole school was a

vibrant mess. Festivities were everywhere. Performers were stuck in the backstage, doing last-minute run throughs.

Taeyeon’s solo performance in the concert was one of the finales. She was set to perform on the 3rd day. The finale was what everyone was looking forward to. On the other hand, the 1st run of our musical was set early in the evening.

“Fany? I have a 15-minute break. Meet me in my car, parking lot. ASAP.” -3:08 PM.

It was Taeyeon's message when I checked on my phone. What could it be? I rushed outside after excusing myself from the crew.

Knock. Knock. I knocked at her car window before she opened the door from inside.

“Hey what’s wrong? Listen, I can’t stay long. I’m already going to fit into my costume.” I asked her after I closed the car door before me.

Suddenly, she grabbed my nape and pulled me towards her waiting lips. She kissed me wildly, I let her play with my tongue.

“Mnnnn...”

Her kiss mellowed down and was replaced by sweet quick pecks.

“Taeyeon?” I eyed her. I felt drunk just from her kiss.

“I-I just missed you. And I want to tell you good luck on your performance. I’m sorry I can’t watch it later. I’ve been asked by Mr. Lee to sing for the dance battle opening, for an intermission. The original performer got into a minor accident earlier and I was tasked to replace her. I’m sorry.” She frowned as she faced me. She held my hands and kissed them.

“It’s okay. You can still watch it tomorrow, with my sister and brother. They’ll be here by then. I’ll be picking them up early in the morning.”

“Really? Oh. The kimchis! I totally forgot to bring them last night. Don’t worry I’ll ask Hayeon to bring it tomorrow. They’ll be coming over too.”

“Ah. I see. Well, I have to go now. Good luck later.” I said as I grabbed the door handle.

“Wait...”

“Yes Tae?”

“I love you Hwang Miyoung.”

“I love you more Kim Taeyeon.” I smiled at her. I bent forward and leaned in to kiss her.

June 2013. 8:16 AM.

“Sis! Leo!” I waved my hands frantically as I rushed towards the arrival area of the airport.

“Oh my God! I missed you Tiffany!” Michelle welcomed me into her open arms as she hugged me tight.

Leo slapped my back hard.

“Hey fatso.”

“Leo. I miss you too.” I smiled at my brother, still bully as ever.

“You’ve grown pretty my dearest sis. Told ya we have good genes.” Michelle winked.

“C’mon. Let’s go to my apartment. So you can rest. Musical will start at 5:00 PM.” I beamed at them as I helped them with their luggage.

4:36 PM.

I was backstage when I saw Taeyeon walk in along with my brother and sister, chatting cheerfully. I told my brother and sister about Taeyeon and me and our current situation. They raised their eyebrows at first but calmly accepted it afterwards. They said that they love whoever it is that I loved. They’re just not sure about my decision of Taeyeon and I’s current arrangement. It’s not like I’ve hidden my love for Taeyeon from them. My family knows about how close I am with her, they even teased me about it. Especially dad. If only he was here, he would push me and Taeyeon to kiss. They were cool like that.

“What are you three laughing at?” I asked them, placing my hands on my waist.

“What? You really need to ask?” Taeyeon grinned.

“Oh no. She really doesn’t realize it.” Michelle spoke.

“Hahaha. Clearly she hasn’t seen herself in front of a mirror.” Leo chuckled as he poked my cheeks.

"Her face looks like the kimchi Taeyeon gave us." Michelle snickered.

I looked at them dumbfounded. I was wearing a traditional hanbok with a really big headgear. It was fine in my opinion. Save for the makeup though. I was really wearing a rather really thick make up. I looked like I was punched and left to bleed to death. My face was a mess of red, orange, pink and pale white makeup.

“Yah! Don’t you appreciate art? This took one hour to get done.” I gruffed annoyingly. These three ganging up on me was the most irritating and yet most adorable thing ever.

“Warning. 5 minutes to stand by.” The stage manager called out. That was my cue.

‘”I have to go guys. Wish me luck.” I said as I blew them air kisses.

“Good luck babycakes! We’ll go to our seats now. C’mon Leo.", Michelle dragged Leo along with her but stopped and shouted back.

"We love you Tiffany, right Taeyeon?” She batted her eyes towards Taeyeon and nudged her towards me. Michelle gave me a devious grin.

“Uhh. Yeah.” Taeyeon held my hand and leaned in towards my ear. “I love you.”

I smiled at her and gave her a quick hug. “Thanks TaeTae. I love you more.”

June 2013. 8:13 PM.

The 3rd and final run of the musical was finally over. A producer from Broadway Asia came to watch me perform and gave me positive feedbacks. I met him, along with my siblings at the backstage where we spoke about the formalities of my future career with them. After that, the producer left while Michelle and Leo went away. They had businesses to attend to and needed to oversee them.

I rushed towards Taeyeon’s dressing room to wish her good luck before her performance tonight. She visited me earlier before the start of the musical but left to prepare herself.

I walked around the corridor leading towards the dressing room. I turned towards a corner.

I stopped on my tracks when I saw someone standing in front of me.

Someone familiar.

“Mrs. Kim?”

From Afar

June 2013. 8:15 PM.

I bowed to greet the petite woman in front of me.

“Gg-good evening Mrs. Kim.” I stuttered. I was nervous. Taeyeon’s mom was standing right in front of me. I hung my head low.

“Good evening Tiffany. Taeyeon and her voice coach are doing warm up exercises. She can’t be disturbed.” Taeyeon’s mom spoke plainly.

“Ahh... Uhm... I see. I’m sorry for bothering Mrs. Kim. I-I better go now.” I gulped. I bowed again and slowly walked away from her.

“Wait. Let’s go out for a walk.” Mrs. Kim spoke.

I looked around to see her. I do not know what to do with her offer. Mrs. Kim was neither smiling nor frowning. She was wearing a poker face. I don’t know what to make of the situation. I do not mean to be rude so I agreed.

We walked outside the school building and made our way towards a more quiet area. Mrs. Kim spotted a bench and sat on it. I followed suit. We sat along side by side, with a big gap between us.

“I know about you and my daughter.” Mrs. Kim started talking. Her voice was calm yet strong. It was making me nervous.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Kim. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with us. But I’ll never be sorry for loving your daughter.” I tried to make my voice as soft as possible.

I don’t want to come off as rude. But I really want to be honest to Taeyeon’s mom.

“What kind of family will you have in the future? Would you even have one? Both of you will be judged harshly. You won’t be accepted in this society. Taeyeon has dreams; she wants to do many things. Once people will know about this everything

that she has worked on for years will go down the drain. You are still young Tiffany. Both of you still have a long way to go. It’s not yet too late. ” Mrs. Kim spoke coldly.

I thought about her question before giving my reply.

“Mrs. Kim, I love Taey---“ I started but I was cut off.

“Love? Do you really know what love is? My daughter will suffer from this so called love of yours.” Her tone was harsh.

“Mrs. Kim, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for raising your daughter well. Taeyeon, has become my family since I got here in Korea. Your daughter, she takes care of me well. She loved me beyond my expectations. I could only give credit to the people around her who made her into the person she has become. I know that she is determined, hardworking and passionate about her dreams. She is a fighter. She will conquer the challenges that comes into her way because that’s just who she is. No matter what people will tell her, it won’t matter. She is very talented and excels in what she does...” I paused.

“...I have faith in her Mrs. Kim. I am confident that whatever the future has in store for her, she will do well. Mrs. Kim, you don’t have to worry. I have already set Taeyeon free. She is free to choose whatever she wants to do. Even if that means that we will be apart. It’s for her happiness...” I spoke gently but my emotions are getting the best of me.

Sniff. Sniff.

“...Mrs. Kim, I love Taeyeon. She loves her family so much. She loves music like she loves her own life. I will never stand in her way. I love her. I love your daughter so much that I want her to be happy. I won’t make her choose between me and you or her dreams. I will never do that. If leaving her meant giving her the happiness that she deserves, then I’ll be leaving her with a satisfied heart. But I want you to know Mrs. Kim that I love her. I will do everything for your daughter. Everything. Anything...” I said as tears streamed from my eyes.

It hurts.

“Here...” Mrs. Kim handed me her hanky. I hesitantly took it.

I looked around to thank her. But she already left.

9:00 PM.

I stood at the back of the grand theatre while watching Taeyeon sing in front. I watched her as she sang with her powerful angel-like voice. It was comforting. It never ceases to amaze me how her petite form could handle such high notes. God she was amazing.

She deserves to be heard. She deserves to make it big. She deserves everything.

I love you Taeyeon. I always will. The world may come between us, separating us. But I will still love you. I love you today, tomorrow and till this lifetime is over. But for now, I'll have to settle for loving you from afar.

I smiled proudly as I watched her.

Then like a stroke of luck, Taeyeon gazed towards my direction. I looked into her eyes. I believe she was looking at me too. She smiled while she sang. My tired

heart felt alive once again. In my eyes I can only see her. Time stood still. It's as if we were the only people inside the theatre.

"I love you." Taeyeon mouthed after finishing her song.

"I love you too." I mouthed back.

We both smiled.

Journey

February 2014. 8:12 AM.

I woke up feeling something tickle my ear.

“Mnnnggg... Stop...” I groggily muttered as I covered my ear with a hand.

“Wake up Fany... We’ll be late for graduation practices.”, a soft angel-like voice whispered into my ear.

“Hmnn... 5 minutes more please...” I said lazily. I was still feeling sleepy and tired from last night’s bedroom activity.

It has already been 8 months since we agreed with our “individual vacation” setup. But despite that, I moved back with Taeyeon after the school showcase, after my siblings left and after her family went back to Jeonju.

We’ve been making the most of our time together and dreaded the day of our graduation. But that day would be 3 days from now. 3 days and we’ll be saying our goodbyes.

I opened my eyes slowly and saw Taeyeon watching me. She smiled sweetly. I touched her face, from her eyes, to her nose and down to her lips. I’ll miss this. I’ll miss waking up every morning seeing this beautiful face. I snuggled closer to her chest to hide the tears that were now forming in my eyes. The past 8 months were filled with wonderful memories. My heart ached at the thought of our upcoming separation. Somehow, I felt that the storm comes after rainbows.

Life’s harsh realities, you can’t have everything you want.

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

My heart ached at the thought of parting with Taeyeon. My head started to reason out that this is for the best, this is for both of us. We need to grow into our dreams.

But my heart would have none of it. It only kept itself shut in a distant, dark, cold corner.

It’s unfair. My heart called out.

It’s for the best. Sacrifice is one of love’s greatest expressions. My mind retorted.

I was having an internal debate. I felt crushed once again.

“Honey...” Taeyeon held my face and looked at me closely. “I know what you’re feeling right now... Please stay strong for us... I love you... It will never change...” Taeyeon kissed my crying eyes.

8 months ago I was the stronger one. I was the one encouraging her to follow her dreams, assuring us that we’ll be okay, convincing her to be strong for us. The tables have turned. I needed Taeyeon more than I’ve ever needed her. All of my courage, faith and confidence suddenly vanished.

I took a deep breath.

“Miyoung I love you...”

“I love you so much Taeyeon. I’m so scared right now, but I’ll try to be strong... For you...” I said, my voice shaking.

“Thank you... I love you... I love you... I love you...” Taeyeon kissed me gently on the lips and hugged me tight. I felt safe once again.

Her hugs and kisses were the anaesthesia to my pain. Relieving but only temporary.

February 2014. 6:20 PM.

Graduation ceremony has just ended. Everything was a blur. It was a bittersweet experience for both of us. Happy that we’re finally on our way to the real world, sad because we’re taking our journey without each other.

March 2014. 5:11 PM.

I was at the airport, ready to leave for New York for my Broadway training before heading to China.

My friends were all present to send me off. I checked at the time, I’ll be boarding the plane at 5:30 PM. I looked around and scanned the faces in the airport.

“Don’t worry Unnie, she’ll be here. She may be just stuck in traffic.” Seohyun gave me a warm hug.

“I heard she started her training at S.M. Who would’ve thought that that midget would get into the music industry?” Sooyoung said aloud. Everyone laughed.

“I’m so proud of our little Taeyeon and Tiffany. They’re finally on their way to fulfilling their dreams.” Hyoyeon chirped in.

“Look who’s talking, you Hyo, you’ve been accepted as a dance instructor at our school, Sooyoung and Yoona all got parts in different national dramas, Yuri and Jessica are putting up their own studio, Sunny’s also going abroad for her internship and Seohyun here is writing a book about musical instruments. See? We’re all doing pretty good.” I beamed proudly. All of us are slowly making our way towards our goals.

“Last call for Flight 122 to New York. Please proceed to Gate 17.”

“Oh... That’s my flight.” I frowned.

I looked at all 7 of them with tears in my eyes. They all went towards me and enveloped me in a group hug.

“I’ll miss you all...” Sniff. Sniff.

“We’ll miss you too Tiff.” Said Jessica, wiping away her tears.

I waved goodbye to them as I started to walk away. Taeyeon was still not here. Maybe she got stuck training. Or maybe she did not want to see me leave. Whatever her reasons are, I understood. She’s free to do whatever she wants.

“Wait!” Someone yelled from my back.

My heart stopped upon hearing that voice.

I turned around and saw Taeyeon. She was running towards me panting.

“Fany...”, Huff. Huff. “...I-I’m so-sorry I’m l-late... I ---“ Taeyeon’s words were incoherent.

“Tae... breathe first.” I rubbed her back as she straightened up and started to breathe normally again.

“I’m sorry I got stuck at S.M. Those people there won’t let me out early. I’m sorry... I want to give you this...” Taeyeon reached out towards her pocket and handed me a small box.

“What’s this Tae?” I asked nervously. I opened the small box and was surprised with what I saw.

Two silver rings encrusted with tiny diamonds.

“These are promise rings.” Taeyeon took out one ring and placed it on my finger. “I promise to be yours only Miyoung. I promise to wait for you. I promise to love you and only you.”

“Tae...” I cried softly and buried my face on her neck.

“Shhh... Go now. You still have a flight to catch.” She hugged me before letting me go.

I took the other ring from the box and placed it on her finger.

“Kim Taeyeon, I promise to go back to you. I promise to think of you everyday. I promise to love you and you alone...” I kissed her lips gently.

“Lock and key, promise rings. We’ll never be alone Fany. We have a piece of each other all the time. I love you... Now go.” Taeyeon wiped my face gently with her hanky as she pushed me lightly away from her.

I turned my back and left the airport without looking back.

God knows that if I looked back I’ll never be able to leave.

The plane started towards the runway and lifted off.

Gravity was pulling my tears down. As much as I'd like to stop them, they just kept on coming down. This is the price we pay for our dreams. This is the price we pay for our love.

My heart broke into millions of pieces.

This is it. Our journey without each other.

Love

August 2014. 2:21 AM.

5 months have passed since I left Korea for New York.

Training for Broadway was exhausting. It was physically and mentally demanding. I had no room for my emotions. My family from California would occasionally visit me. They were my saving grace. They were my strength throughout those months of loneliness, longing and homesickness.

Home. Somehow, I still considered Taeyeon as my home.

Isn’t it that home is where the heart is? Well, I left my heart with Taeyeon. She gave hers to me.

We would occasionally call each other or talk through social networking sites. During our 1st month apart, the calls were frequent. But they gradually decreased. I’ve never even thought of a long distance relationship until Taeyeon and I started doing just that, still acting like we’re still a couple. One day I told her to stop bothering to call me. She took it negatively. We had a fight over that. I told her that I don’t want to burden her. Through our friends, I learned that Taeyeon has been undergoing a rigid training. Her debut was moved earlier. 3 months from now she’ll be introduced to South Korea.

As much as I’d love to hear her voice every minute of the day, I also wanted her to focus on her career. She told me she is doing just that. I refused to believe otherwise. I would wake up in the middle of the night with her calls while I hopelessly listen to her cries, telling me how much she misses me. I would tell her that I missed her too.

Focus Taeyeon. We’re doing this for our future. I would always tell her that. The truth is, I am also telling myself that too. I could barely spend a day without thinking about her. I would drown myself in my own practices.

I wanted to forget for awhile. It feels like running on a threadmill.

Running but not really going anywhere.

For the recent months, I reduced the number of calls I made to her. It was hard for me to focus about anything else aside from her. I did the most logical thing. I relieved myself off the distraction that was Taeyeon. It hurts for awhile but I eventually got used to it. I guess it goes for her too. It’s been 2 weeks since she last called.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I picked up the phone and saw the familiar caller I.D.

“Miyoung?”

“Tae?”

“Happy Birthday...”

“Huh?” I checked at my calendar.

August 1. I had a lot of things on my mind that I even forgot my own birthday. Taeyeon on the other hand, remembers. She remembered.

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...” Taeyeon proceeded to sing me the birthday song in English. My eyes teared up.

“Tae... Thank you... I—I miss you.”

“I miss you.”

We both said it at the same time.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

We said it again together. We both laughed. We both heard each other’s muffled sobs. We badly missed each other.

But we both know there is nothing we can do.

We were both oceans and timezones apart.

December 2014. 1:09 PM.

I just got back from my rehearsal for a musical wherein I played a minor role. It was already my 12th musical since going here in China, but I only have not more than 5 minutes of screen time. It was quite depressing for a while to get roles like the sister of the best friend of the lead actor, or the passerby, or one of the court ladies. But I figured out that that’s how success goes.

You have to start from scratch. Giving up was never my option.

Between Taeyeon and me, she was doing better. Last week she debuted already and she was warmly received by South Korea. I felt proud of her. After a long

day’s work, I would open my laptop and mercilessly click on the replay icon of Youtube watching her sing in front of the stage.

She looks even more beautiful with all her beautiful costumes and makeup on. I became her silent fan. I bought her new album, bashed anyone who bashed her on the internet and diligently followed her activities on the net.

I felt contented. After all, that was the only thing I could do for the love of my life.

May 2015. 9:11 PM.

“Ms. Hwang, you have a lot of positive feedbacks and reviews today.” The producer told me after our celebratory party at one of the high end clubs in Thailand where we had a successful musical tour.

“Really Sir? Oh my. That’s great! Thank you. Thank you. I could not have done it without the whole production.” I smiled with glee, satisfied with my performance

as one of the supporting actress. After how many months, my talent and hard work are finally being noticed.

“We are actually considering you to play the lead in next month’s musical, Mulan.” The producer smiled.

I froze. Mulan. Mulan? It was one of the biggest productions.

“Tiffany? Are you up for it?” The producer asked.

“I-I’m... Yes Sir! I am. I’ll do my best to get that role.” I smiled indignantly. Mulan. Me as the lead. This was too good to be true.

“Hmn... After your performance tonight, I might just give you the role right now. Let’s talk again when we get back to China. We’ll finalize everything.” He smiled as he shook my hand.

I immediately got my phone after he left. I dialled a number excitedly. It rang.

“Pick up. Pick up please.”

”Fany?”

“Tae! Guess what???” I asked her excitedly.

“Hmn... you did well on your musical, as always.”

“Well, I did. But that’s not why I called.”

“Really? Tell me the good news Fany. My ears are all yours.”

“I think I just got the lead role in Mulan!”

“Mulan? As in The Mulan??”

“Yes Tae! I’m so happy right now! Finally after almost a year, I’m getting my big break!”

“See? i told you. It just takes patience. I always knew you’d make it. I’m so proud of you Miyoung. Or should I say Mulan?”

“Hahaha. Thanks Tae... Thank you for always being there to support me and cheer me up. It scares me that I’d disappoint you. You’re now Korea’s top singer and I’m still a nobody.”

“You know you were never a nobody Fany. I can’t even describe you in words. But you are always my everything... I’m still right here waiting for you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too... Hang on Fany, my manager is calling me. My commercial shoot will start in a while.”

Despite the distance, the physical separation, and differences in schedules, somehow Taeyeon and I managed to still say those three words without a hint of

hesitation and doubt. Sure we do feel jealous from time to time, we felt frustrated with each other, we felt neglected, and we still fight on the phone.

But being away from each other only made our love stronger.

I don’t even know how to explain it. It's complicated. I guess it was because we never really separated because we fell out of love. We went our separate ways because we wanted to become better persons. We wanted to go after the things we feel passionate about. Our love was never broken. Our separation made us work hard to fix ourselves and improve our lives. It was never an easy journey for both of us, especially for me. We were sailing our different ships on a stormy night. But our love became the lighthouse, our guiding light, bringing us safely back home. Home. With each other’s hearts.

September 2015. 10:42 AM.

Inhale. Exhale.

I was standing at the airport tarmac, feeling the cool summer breeze hit my face.

Home, at last.

South Korea was the last stop of the Mulan production. The production crew and the actors will be staying here for a week. I asked to stay behind for my 1 month vacation. I have been getting good reviews from theatre critics for my portrayal of Mulan. Somehow I have started to gain popularity in the musical world. I felt happy. But I could never felt happier to perform in Korea, my home.

I stepped outside the arrival area of the airport when reporters and cameramen flocked towards me. Security aids were quick to push them away.

“Miss Hwang look this way please.”

“Miss Hwang are you the girl whom Taeyeon was referring to as her girlfriend?”

“Miss Hwang how long are you staying in Korea?”

“Miss Hwang is it true that you were once with Taeyeon before her debut?”

The security ushered me towards the production van that was waiting for me. I felt nervous for Taeyeon. I was too busy with the musical to check on what the internet is saying about her. Whenever we would call each other, she would rather listen to me talk about my experiences. She never brought up the fact that our relationship was already a hot topic in Korea. I know its implications to her career.

Goddamit. Did I screw this up for her?! I was starting to feel mad at myself.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Hello?”

“Welcome home.”

“Why did you not tell me that rumors are going on about us?! Are you okay? What did S.M tell you?!”

I was mad at her. She was keeping things away from me again. She worked hard to be where she is now. I’ve worked hard to keep away from ruining it all. But right now it seems that it can’t be helped.

“Relax. S.M can’t do a thing to me now. Not when I took home almost all of the awards from the Korean Music Awards. My 3rd album is still on top for 3 months.”

“Are you really this cocky Kim Taeyeon?! This is your career; you can’t go careless on this!”

I was scolding her. All those sacrifices would go to waste if her career would be ruined. Her dreams and goals were always my priority.

“Hahaha. Umma handled everythi---- I mean, see you soon Fany! I love you!!!”

Taeyeon hung up. Umma? Did she just mention her mom? My heartbeat raced wildly. I am so dead. Her Umma must have been mad at me for sabotaging her daughter’s career. I did not even have any idea how the press got wind of our relationship.

September 2015. 7:10 PM.

The musical has just started as I discarded Tiffany and became Mulan. I got positive feedbacks from the Korean audience on our 1st run. Tonight was the 3rd run, our last performance.

All of my old friends have come to watch me perform. I saw Jessica, Yuri, Sunny, Hyoyeon, Sooyoung, Yoona, Seohyun and even Siwon. I felt more than inspired seeing them. I scanned the audience tonight looking for any signs of Taeyeon. After 2 long years of being away, we still haven’t seen each other yet. She told me that she has prior commitments that she couldn’t cancel. I felt frustrated. But I don’t want to demand anything from her.

The play went on for another hour.

A scene required me to kiss my co-actor.

I was about to tilt my head when something caught my eye.

It was Taeyeon, sitting at the front seat at the far end of the stage. Someone was covering her eyes. Someone familiar.

It was Mrs. Kim. She was smiling at me.

Taeyeon was trying to get her mom’s hands off her eyes. But Mrs. Kim would not take it off. Still, her eyes were on me. Her lips still curved into a smile. She held her hand up and gave me a thumbs up sign.

A tear fell down my eyes. I was touched. I was overwhelmed. I felt like pinching my cheeks.

Am I dreaming?

My co-actor nudged me. I forgot I was about to kiss him. I tilted my head and kissed him just to get it over and done with.

9:40 PM.

I finally got off the cheering crowd and VIPs who came to watch the play. I was busily talking to them and thanking them for their support. I left the area and went to my dressing room.

“Tiffany, Kim Taeyeon left this for you.” My manager handed me a bouquet of red roses. I read at the note that went along with it.

“Sorry I had to go without greeting you. I have to finish a shoot. Please wear something fab tomorrow. Someone will pick you up at 11:00 AM. Wear the lock necklace and the promise ring. I love you and Congratulations!” – KTY

I sighed. I was expecting to see Taeyeon. I was already becoming impatient. I missed her badly. I wanted to see her, touch her, kiss her, talk to her... And yet I had to wait for one more day.

September 2015. 11:30 AM.

The chauffer drove me towards this fancy looking restaurant. I wore a red mini dress and red heels. I was ushered by security men at the back entrance of the restaurant. I was curious. I did not know where they were leading me. But just like my past motto when it comes to Taeyeon, just go with the flow.

They led me to a door and told me to go in.

As soon as I stepped inside, I was surprised to see more than a dozen camera’s and reporters gathered around. I was shocked. What am I doing here? I thought to myself.

Suddenly, I felt someone take my hand.

“Tt-taeyeon? What’s happening?” I asked her. The person I wanted to see. The person I wanted to hold close to me was right beside me. She ushered me into a seat and just smiled at me, squeezing my hand.

I saw her mother seated at a long table, holding a mic.

My heart stopped beating.

“Ladies and gentlemen, good morning. Thank you for coming over today’s press conference. As you have noticed, rumors have been surfacing around for the past months about my daughter and her... her relationship with a girl...” Mrs. Kim looked at me and smiled. I smiled back hesitantly. I have no idea what was going on.

I froze.

“I’d like to confirm that those rumors are true.”

Collective gasps were heard from the crowd. Questions were hurled left and right. Camera flashes went off all at once. I blinked. Did I hear her right?

“Please let me speak first. As a mother, my initial reaction was to go against it. I am very much aware about the cultural and societal implications should this come to light. I felt very protective of my daughter. Since she was a kid, I watched her grow to become passionate about music. I’ve always wanted to protect her and make her happy. But I guess I failed at that... 2 years ago I had this conversation with someone. She made me realize that loving doesn’t have to be selfish. She

made me realize that unconditional love can also be given not only by mothers. She made me see how selfish I am for not considering my daughter’s happiness and prioritized what other people would think...” Mrs. Kim looked at me with tears in her eyes.

“...Tiffany? Please forgive me?” She asked.

I stood up from my seat and went near her. I hugged her tight. We both broke down.

The room was silent. After a few minutes, I heard someone clap their hands. The room suddenly roared with applauses.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you Tiffany Hwang, my daughter’s one and only love.” Mrs. Kim made me face the crowd as we both smiled hand in hand.

5:19 PM.

“You really surprised me TaeTae.” I playfully punched her shoulders.

“I’m glad I did.” Taeyeon back hugged me as she placed her chin on my shoulders.

After the conference ended, Taeyeon and her whole family joined us for lunch. We had a good talk and shared a lot of laughs while the rest of Korea were having a commotion about Mrs. Kim’s confession. Taeyeon and her family assured me that everything will pass. Regardless of the possible negative effect of it on Taeyeon’s career, they said that they are ready. They couldn’t care less.

For years, Taeyeon and I yearned for her family’s acceptance. For so long I wanted it. But when that moment finally came I was just at lost for words. It felt like bliss. It was too good to be true. But it was real. It was incredibly real. Like some kind of miracle.

“I love you Miyoung... I love you and not the Broadway star. I love you for loving me... I love you and all of you...” Taeyeon softly said.

I turned to face her.

“I love you Taeyeon... I love you and not the Korean superstar Taeyeon... I love you because you are you...” I leaned in to kiss her.

The sun behind us was beginning to set. The skies were a colourful mess of orange, yellow, pink and blue. It was a beautiful sight.

“Hwang Miyoung...” Taeyeon got down to her knees. “You are my past, my present... now, will you be my future?”

Taeyeon showed me a diamond ring.

“Yes Taeyeon, you need not ask.” I motioned for her to stand up after she placed the ring on my finger.

I placed my hands on her neck as I felt her hands make their way on my waist. We leaned in closer. We looked deep into each other’s eyes. I felt our nose touch. And finally our lips.

I felt at peace. Everything we’ve been through flashed through my mind. It was worth it. It was all worth it. From now on, there was nothing to hide. We may have everything to lose, but not each other. Not our love.

Love. That four-letter word which makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. The one which makes your heartbeat flutter like crazy. The one which makes you feel all giddy and inspired. The one which causes you to unconsciously smile at the mere memory of the person's smile. But love could also be a bitch. It could also be the one which makes you feel like you're standing on a cliff as the deep waters and jagged rocks at the bottom daringly invites you to take a plunge, to leave everything behind and accept the pain as you crush to pieces, breaking all of your bones as you lie there feeling the most unbearable pain you can ever imagine.

But still it is love.

Love.