First Kim Pritekel
The line hung silent on my end.
"Emmy? Are you there?" my big brother Billy asked, worry marking his deep oi!e.
"eah, Billy #$m here. Are you sure? %ead?" # !ould not bring mysel& to beliee that she !ould possibly be gone at only thirty'&our. (hat did he say she had died o&? Breast !an!er? )ouldn$t be. *he$s &ar too young &or that. #sn$t she? "# hae to go, Billy. *omeone is !alling in on the other line." # lied.
"+kay, Emmy. #$m sorry # had to !all you at work. Are you sure you$re okay? # mean # know you two had been su!h good &riends when you were kids and all."
Friends. #& only they had known the truth about Beth and #. (iping those thoughts and memories &rom my mind # said, "That$s okay. o kay. #$m glad you told me. Thanks Billy." Billy."
"eah. ey, !ome home now and then. # know they gie you parole now and then in The Big Apple." # grinned into the phone.
"eah. "eah. -ow and then. Bye, Billy."
# gently set the re!eier into its !radle and sat ba!k in my !hair and looked around my !ramped o&&i!e. o&&i!e. # was an up and !oming lawyer at the law &irm o& ames/Parks/*tone ames/Parks/*tone where # had worked my butt o&& to win the &aor o& the se0ist partners oer my male peers. -ot an easy task, but one # per&ormed with gusto..
Perhaps # would take some personal time o&& and go to the &uneral. # was due &or some time o&& anyway. # would !at!h a &light out to %ener, )olorado, and head south to Pueblo where # grew
up, and had not been &or some time. # !ould still see all the neat rows o& modest si1ed homes, all painted similar similar !olors. 2ray barbe!ue smokes wa&ting wa&ting up oer the si0'&oot si0'&oot wood pria!y pria!y &en!es. The per&e!t -orman 3o!kwell neighborhood. neighborhood. The town held nothing &or me anymore. -ot that it eer really did. But it had been awhile sin!e #$d seen my parents and Billy. is kids were growing up so &ast. e may hae een had a daughter that #$d neer seen.
# stood &rom my desk and walked oer to the window that looked out oer a park that was ne0t to the building, and wat!hed as a man was walked by his oerly enthusiasti! enthusiasti! 2reat %ane. The last time # had seen Beth had been in that park. # rested my &orehead against the !ool glass. *he had !ome up to -ew ork to see me, and the short isit had been un!om&ortable and strained at best. # remember how tired she had looked. Thin, too, whi!h made her tall &rame seem lanky and gaunt. # reali1ed reali1ed then that that day would be one o& those that !an haunt a person &or the rest o& their lies. (hat i&. # sighed. # didn$t beliee in what i&s. #& did nothing to worry and think o& all the things that were oer and done with, and !ould not be !hanged. But still....
(ith a sigh # turned ba!k to the pile o& &iles and papers on my desk. # really ought to !lean it up. # smiled to mysel&. -eer !ould keep my mind on one thing. *uddenly with the &or!e o& a blow to the stoma!h # plopped down into my !hair, a mal&ormed sob ripping &rom my throat. # gripped the arms o& my !hair with a &ier!eness that surprised me, and !losed my eyes. # s4uee1ed them tight as # &ought the emotion that was trying to make its way to the sur&a!e. Finally # !ould breath again. A&ter a !ouple o& deep breaths # had mysel& under !ontrol again, and de!ided that maybe it was best to start that personal time today. # sent a 4ui!k email to ohn *tone, one o& the senior partners, e0plaining my sudden departure, gathered my belongings and headed toward the door.
"5s. Thomas?" my se!retary, 6ois asked as # lo!ked and !losed my o&&i!e door, suit 7a!ket and brie&!ase in hand.
"#$m leaing &or the day, day, 6ois. #& anyone !alls please trans&er them to my oi!e mail. #& any o& the partners wish to speak with me then trans&er them to my home phone. #t$s in the 3olode0."
"(hy !ertainly, 5s. Thomas. #s eerything all right? ou look a bit out o& sorts today. Are you &eeling all right? *hall # !all 5s. Kelly?" 6ois (utherman, my trusted se!retary o& two years was a kind, older woman who had been born and raised in 6ondon until she moed to the 8.*. with her husband a&ter (orld (ar ##, or what she !alled "the big one". *he looked at me with her large brown eyes hidden behind enormous bi&o!als, her siler hair piled on top o& her head. # o&ten wondered 7ust how long her hair a!tually was, though she neer, eer wore it down. Probably thinking it was in bad &orm &or a lady. # smiled to mysel& at the thought.
"-o, #$m &ine. That$s not ne!essary. ne!essary. #$e 7ust got some personal business business to take !are o&." # said, though &or 7ust a moment # &ought the urge to per!h at the !orner o& her desk, and spill my guts to this kind woman who had mothered me through disappointments at work, &ights with my loer, and a !ar a!!ident two years ago. But &or some reason this # !ould not share with her.
"(ell," she said taking one o& my hands in both o& hers and patting it in her usual motherly way said, "(hateer "(hateer it is t$will t$will all be &ine." &ine." she smiled smiled as she !ould read the strain in my green eyes, and see that annoying wrinkle that appeared between them and gae away my stress leel.
"Thank you, 6ois. #$m sure it will." with a deep breath # walked past her desk, out o& the o&&i!e and past the re!eptionists desk to leae the &irm all together. The early a&ternoon air o& downtown -ew ork hit my &a!e and nostrils with an intense &or!e, the !ool autumn air sharp and biting. biting. # &ound my !ar and pressed the button on the little little alarm bo0 on my key!hain, releasing releasing the lo!ks with a !hirp. # !limbed behind the wheel, and tossed my brie&!ase brie&!ase and 7a!ket onto the seat ne0t to me, stared out at the busy street, street, my hands pla!ed on the wheel, my mind in another pla!e, another time. Beth. # !ould still see the e0pe!tant look in those blue eyes as she stared at me, standing ne0t to the park ben!h.
"(hat, don$t # een rate a hug?"
# shook my head to !lear it, and turned on the engine.
# shared a modest townhouse on the outskirts o& the !ity with my loer, 3ebe!!a. #t was spa!ious with big b ig windows windo ws to allow all a ll the sunlight o& the day. The bri!k'&a!ed &ront opened up to a small yard, the autumn yellow grass lining the drieway on either side. )ome spring, &lowers would be popping up in the planters that 3ebe!!a had s!attered around the yard.
5y bla!k Persian, *imon met me at the door, his thi!k tail waing in !on&usion at my being home so early.
"i, baby." # !rooned as # pi!ked up his !onsiderable bulk, rubbing my !heek against the so&t &ur o& his ne!k. A&ter a &ew moments o& greeting *imon let me know he$d had enough and &ought my tight embra!e. # let him down to return to one o& his numerous daily naps, and headed &or the kit!hen. # !ould not get Beth out o& my head. (hy? (hy hadn$t she told me that she had been
si!k when she had the !han!e? # !ould &eel my sho!k begin to su!!umb to anger. # walked oer to the sink and leaned on its sturdy sur&a!e, my head hanging. # !ould &eel the tears welling up in my thro throat at,, want wantin ingg to spil spilll &ort &orthh and oer oerta take ke me !ompl !omplet etel elyy. The The myri myriad ad o& emot emotio ions ns was was oerwhelming. # &ought the urge, but suddenly my !heeks were wet with the onslaught o& tears that ran down my &a!e and landed into the stainless steel double sink. P6+P. P6+P. 5y pain and sel&'pity were interrupted by the shrill ring o& the phone that lay on the !ounter by the 5r. )o&&ee. # de!ided to let the ma!hine pi!k up.
"ello you hae rea!hed Emily and 3ebe!!a. (e !annot !ome to the phone right now, so leae a message at the beep and we will get ba!k to you as soon as possible." Beep.
"es, this message is &or Emily. i this is (illiam Parks, and your se!retary told me'" # pushed away &rom the sink, and wiped at my eyes as # walked toward the !ordless.
"i, Bill." # said snat!hing up the re!eier. "es, # did. (e hae had a death in the &amily, and # had some personal time !oming,'"
"+& !ourse, o& !ourse. By all means take !are o& you. The !riminals o& -ew ork will wait." Parks said with one o& his &amously &ake laughs. "ou "ou take all the time you need. These things !an be so di&&i!ult." di&&i!ult." he lowered his oi!e &or a more dramati! dramati! a&&e!t. # &ought the urge to tell him to sti!k his pity up his ass. Bill Parks !ared about no one and nothing but Bill Parks. e was one o& my bosses, so # thanked him &or his kind words and assured him that ohn %ithers would take on my olstead olstead !ase in my absen!e. # was grate&ul to hang up with the pretentious, pretentious, pompous man. e was my least &aorite o& all three senior partners. The kind o& lawyer that 7okes are made about.
# tuned o&& the ringer and walked oer to the &ridge. The remains o& our le&t oer linguini stared me in the &a!e as did the two'day'old pi11a, still in its blue and white %omino$s bo0. %isgusted with the thought o& &ood # walked oer to the liing room, and plopped plopped mysel& down on the !ou!h, my hands lying limply limply ne0t to me. # stared out the Fren!h doors out into the small ba!kyard. ba!kyard. # &elt so empty, empty, as i& all my insides had been taken out, and # was le&t with nothing. # sighed deeply, then an idea o!!urred to me. # walked to the hall !loset, and on tiptoe rea!hed up and grabbed the three white photo albums that had been the sour!e o& mu!h !om&ort in my li&e, as well as pain&ul reminders. # &elt a need to dele into the past, a past when Beth *ayers was still alie. A time when she was my best &riend, my loer, my !on&idante, and 7ust my neighbor. # &elt a need to redis!oer this woman who had stolen my heart, and had neer gien it ba!k.
(ith sweating palms # !are&ully &lipped open the !oer, almost as i& # were entering a sa!red realm. The &irst hal& o& my photo album was &illed with baby pi!tures o& Billy, and then &our years later o& me. 5e at age three heading to my &irst day o& ballet lessons, whi!h &rom what # am told # hated, but my mother thought # looked so darn !ute in my white tights and pink tutu. There is a pi!ture pi!ture o& Billy Billy and me dressed up &or alloween. alloween. The !aption said he was nine and # was &ie. # don$t remember eer wanting to dress as a prin!ess, but # guess at some time # must hae &elt the urge. There # was holding my tri!k or treat bag with Billy dressed as a sheri&& holding my hand, impatient smiles plastered on our !herubi! &a!es. Ah9 -ow that one is more like me. # was sitting in the middle o& a large sandbo0 with some little red headed girl that # don$t remember at all, a large green bu!ket o& sand &oreer poised oer that mane o& red hair. # had to smile despite my dead heart beating limply in my !hest.
*kipping *kipping a &ew years # &inally !ame a!ross the time when Beth !ame into my li&e. #t did not seem like there was eer a time when she wasn$t. -ow # would neer hear her wild laugh again: neer see those twinkling blue eyes looking with so mu!h loe into my own green eyes.
# !losed my eyes and took a deep breath be&ore opening them again to stare down at us. #n the beginning beginning it had been me who had pursued her &or a &riendship. &riendship. %uring the summer o& my tenth year many o& the &amilies in the neighborhood had de!ided to moe, taking most o& my &riends with them. The *ayers$ &amily moed into the house ne0t door with their nine, soon to be ten year old daughter, daughter, Eli1abeth, who re&used to answer to anything anything other than Beth. *he was a shy girl, and later told me that # had intimidated her, though why # neer understood. Finally as the summer slowly !rawled by with nothing to do and no one to do it with, she agreed to walk oer that sa!red boundary between their small, green postage stamp lawn, and our small, green postage stamp lawn and we played &our s4uare. From that day on the two o& us had been glued hip to hip.
# turned the page to reeal us standing in &ront o& my !hildhood home, the garage open to show the old %odge my &ather re&used to gie up, and still had, e0!ept it isn$t gold anymore, it$s an interesting shade o& ao!ado green. 5y &ather neer did hae any !olor sense. #n the pi!ture # was wearing an old &ootball 7ersey that Billy had h ad outgrown and handed han ded down to a tom boy sister. 5y dark blonde hair hal&'ha1ardly pulled ba!k into a ponytail. 5y knees had two pain&ul looking s!rapes on them that were 7ust beginning to s!ab oer. # was linked arm in arm with Beth who was wearing that 5i!key 5ouse shirt that # swear swea r she would hae worn day in and day out i& her mother would hae let her. (e had great big goo&y smiles on our darkly tanned &a!es. *o young. *o !are&ree. # read the !aption that my mother had so neatly written below the Polaroid' Emmy and Beth ;th o& uly, <=>>. That was our se!ond summer together. That was also the year we kissed &or the &irst time.
# looked up &rom the photo album suddenly aware that # was hungry. Putting the album aside, # went to the kit!hen and made mysel& a PB' peanut pea nut butter and 7elly, 7elly, the &ood o& !hoi!e. # had not had one o& these things sin!e !ollege9 6ooking at all these old pi!tures was bringing the !hild out in me. # smiled and shook my head.
(ith sandwi!h and !an o& %r. Pepper in hand # grabbed the photo albums o&& the !o&&ee table, and plopped us all down on the &loor. # got to my knees and un1ipped my gray, pinstriped skirt, and pushed it down oer my hips, then sat to remoe it and toss it aside, &ollowed by my nylons. *itting in my !anisol and underwear # looked at some o& the other pi!tures on that page
Emmy and Beth at the 1oo: Emmy and Beth in the pool: Emmy and Beth and Billy playing basketball. basketball. Then # saw it. The night o& the s!hool play and Beth$s &irst starring role. #t was a silly silly little play !alled "(ho )alls the (ild (ylde?" about a &amily by the name o& (ylde who lied in the the ba!kw ba!kwood oodss town town o& 6ooney 6ooneyi illlle. e. Beth Beth playe playedd the the son, son, oseph oseph (yld (ylde. e. That That year year she dis!oered her 1est and loe o& a!ting. #n one s!ene her !hara!ter had to gie 5iss Thelma 3ooster a pe!k on the !heek, and she de!ided she wanted to pra!ti!e. +n me.
Beth was spending the night at my house the weekend be&ore the show. (e were up in my bedro bedroom om runni running ng my e0ten e0tensi sie e !olle !olle!t !tio ionn o& mat!hb mat!hbo0 o0 !ars !ars all all oer oer the the many many roads roads and and highways, and stopping at all the good pla!es to eat, and isiting all o& our many &riends along the way. *uddenly she stopped, tiny white @( Bug in hand.
"6et$s pra!ti!e9" she said, her eyes wide with this new idea she had.
"Pra!ti!e what?" # asked as # rammed my tru!k into the post o& my bed !ausing a great aalan!he o& ro!k and other su!h debris to &all &rom that massie mountain that was in the middle o& our town.
"Pra!ti!e my s!ene with me and Thelma 3ooster." # !ould &eel my stoma!h tighten with a strange sort o& e0!itement. # 7ust looked at her as i& to say, are you serious?, though # knew she was, and # prayed deep down that she wouldn$t !hange her mind. *o # said,
"(hi!h one?"
"ou know, the one where # hae to," she looked ba!k oer her shoulder to make sure my parents or Billy was not listening through my !losed door. "(here # hae to kiss her."
"(hy? ou know how to kiss. ou do hae a &ather a&ter all."
"eah, "eah, but that$s tha t$s di&&erent. e$s a boy, this is a girl."
"But you$re playing a boy, b oy, so it$s the same thing."
"-o it$s not9 And # don$t kiss him like he$s my girl&riend." *he said matter o& &a!tly.
"# hope not9" # giggled, liking this game o& playing hard to get.
")ome on, Em9" she said eyeing me with those intense blue eyes that een at the tender age o& eleen threw my senses out o& wha!k, and would make me agree to anything.
"+kay. But &irst wait." # threw my &orgotten !ar on the &loor and ran to the door. # opened it eer so slightly slightly and looked at as mu!h o& the hallway hallway as # !ould then shut the door and leaned my huge, trusty brown teddy, 3u&&les against it to guard us. -e0t # went oer to my window and shut my blue pastel !urtains and then walked to my original spot and sat !ross'legged in &ront o& Beth.
"2ee. ou$d ou$d think we were hiding in Fort Kno0." she said. " (hat$s that?"
"-eer mind. +kay +ka y. ou ou hae the th e &irst line." she said, looking at me e0pe!tantly.
# don$t know what the line is."
"+h yeah. +kay, you look away &rom me and try to be all lady like and &lustered be!ause you$re in my presen!e." # sti&led another giggle. "Then you say, $(ell good morning, oseph (ylde. ow are you on this bright and sunny day?$"
"(ell good morning, morning, oseph (ylde. ow are you on this bright and sunny day?" # asked batting my eyelashes at her. 3eal serious like Beth grabbed my hand and brought it to her &ull lips, and 7ust barely brushed my knu!kles. A bolt o& e0!itement ra!ed up and down my spine. # didn$t remember oseph doing that to Thelma in rehearsal, but # didn$t say anything. # would let Beth do whateer she wanted to. A&ter all, she was the a!ting e0pert, not me.
"Thelma 3ooster you are looking loely as always. (hy are you out here all alone?"
"+ohh9 # remember this line9" # e0!laimed. "5other$s gone inside the store, oseph."
Beth smiled at me and nodded, then said, "2ood. Then you say, $But you !an walk me home i& you like. #$m sure she$d be understanding o& my taking my leae with su!h a kind gentleman gentleman like yoursel&.$" # began to repeat the line when she stopped me and pulled me to my &eet. "6et$s really a!t it out." she grabbed my hand and put it through her bent arm and held my hand with her other one. "our bedroom door will be the door to your house, okay?" # nodded than pro!eeded to say my line 4uite ni!ely # thought. (e walked along our path until &inally she stopped short o& the door to my "house".
"#t has been an honor to walk with you Thelma, that is, may # !all you Thelma?" not knowing what to say, and Beth seemed to be a bit too mu!h in !hara!ter to remember to tell me so # 7ust nodded. *he smiled at me and released my hand &rom her arm. er breath !ame in shallow pu&&s o& air as her body !ame !loser to mine. # was nerous, s!ared and e0!ited all at the same time. *he rested her hands on my shoulders then moed her head !loser to mine. # was surprised when our o ur lips met. # had been e0pe!ting e 0pe!ting her h er to kiss me on the !heek. 5y 5 y blood began to pound through my eins with enough ele!tri!ity ele!tri!ity to short out all my thoughts. thoughts. # had seen a woman !lose her eyes on!e in a moie when she was kissed by the man. Thinking this must be the !orre!t pro!edure, # !losed mine and sighed.
(hen the kiss ended Beth pulled away and looked me in the eye. A look o& wonderment &illed her &a!e. # was almost breathless, and !ertainly spee!hless. # had neer kissed anyone be&ore e0!ept my parents, and my Aunt Kitty who insisted on giing me a big wet one eery time # saw her, whi!h was o&ten. # had neer liked any o& those kisses. This was di&&erent, and # think we both
knew it. *he rolled a tendril o& my summer'lightened hair around one o& her &ingers that still rested on my shoulders and smiled.
")an we rehearse again?" she said 4uietly. # !ould only nod. *he took one o& her hands and brushed some &allen hair o&& my &orehead and brought her &a!e to mine again. This time # wrapped my thin arms around aroun d her he r ne!k and leaned into her. 5y 5 y ro!k. Beth would always be the strong one.
The play met with !riti!al a!!laim among the &i&th grade !lass. 5rs. Arbu!kle thought Beth$s per&orman!e "5u!h too dramati! &or su!h a !heer&ul story." (hat did she know? Beth was not !ast again until middle s!hool.
# turned the page. # saw more s!hool pi!tures o& us, and snapshots taken at home. %id my mother hae nothing better to do than run a&ter us with a !amera? As a kid i& neer o!!urred to me that she took a ton o& pi!tures. -ow, it took an a!t o& 2od to get me in &ront o& that lens.
As the years went by Beth be!ame more and more deta!hed &rom her peers, espe!ially the girls. The only way she would hae anything to do with them, or talk to them was i& they would !hallenge !hallenge her or me, or make &un o& either o& us, or i& some other girl had been the target o& the masses. Then she be!ame a !hampion o& anyone who be!ame the "underdog" #& an in7usti!e was being done, she would not hesitate to &ight anyone, whi!h she did o&ten. Beth !ould most o&ten be &ound with the boys. *he was in!redible when it !ame to basketball, or running, or any other game inoling physi!al a!tiity a !tiity.... # smiled as # remembered Beth$s slam'dunks.
")ome on, Em. %on$t be su!h a wimp. Take the ball, run up the !ourt, and 7ump. *lam it in there." # stared at Beth like she had 7ust landed &rom another planet.
"Beth, hae you &orgotten that you$re the one who is a hundred &eet tall? #$m short, remember?"
"*o." she said as she ran by me, wha!king the ball out o& my hand, and dribbling it down the !ement until she pushed up on her le&t leg, and slammed the ball into the net with a satis&ying whoosh. "#t$s not about height, Em. #t$s about ability." ability." she sh e landed with a smug smile on her &a!e, &a!e , her eyes daring me. # raised my brows. *he knew # !ould neer re&use a dare.
"Fine. #$ll show you height. And #$ll show you ability ability." # grabbed the ball that !ontinued !ontinued to boun!e down the !ourt, and ran.
"#$m so sorry, Em. # really thought you !ould do it." my best &riend said as she sat ne0t to me on our &ront por!h, my mother holding the towel to my nose. # glared at her with my bla!k eye.
Beth had a di&&i!ult home li&e. er parents married when her mother be!ame pregnant at the tender age o& si0teen. Beth$s &ather, im always made known his doubts that Beth was een his. But # belieed he loed her. e raised her as his, and Beth loed him dearly. er parents remained remained married until she turned thirteen, thirteen, then de!iding de!iding that he !ould no longer tolerate Beth$s mother$s tirades and drinking, her &ather le&t the &amily to return to his home state o& Tennessee. Beth did not see him &or years at a time.
To stay away &rom her house and the steadily in!reasing abuse o& her mother, Beth would !ome oer to mine, and # think in her mind she saw my mother and &ather as her own. Billy loed her. #n his eyes it was almost like haing the younger brother he had always wanted. Beth and # would lay out on my ba!k lawn and stare up into the night sky trying to !ount all the stars we !ould see. *he would o&ten !ry silently, the tears 7ust &lowing down her !heeks, rolling down the sides o& her &a!e to !olle!t in her ears. *he would shier, and blame it on the !ool night air.
# had to gie my mother !redit. *he tried to be eerything that -ora *ayers wasn$t. *he !oddled her, taught her things, and showed her that Beth !ounted, and was loed. By all o& us. Beth !lung to that sense o& se!urity se !urity,, wrapping it around hersel& herse l& like a blanket.
# !ame a!ross a pi!ture o& the three o& us on a &ishing trip 7ust be&ore the *ayers$ separated. Billy had 7ust turned seenteen, so my parents de!ided to gie him a !han!e to proe himsel& responsible by taking his thirteen year old sister and her twele year old best &riend &ishing.
"# am not going to bait anything &or you two, so you better get oer that s4ueamish girl stu&&, and learn to do it yoursel&." he s!olded as we ba!ked out o& the drieway o& my house. # looked at Beth who sat with me in the ba!k seat o& our huge *uburban with a look o& doubt spawned by &ear on my &a!e. *he smiled at me. # &elt my &ears melt away.
"# don$t need no one tying on my worms i& that$s what you mean. e!k no. # bet # !ould do it better than you anyway9" she said proudly.
"2irls." Billy mumbled to himsel&, though through the rear'iew mirror # !ould see the small smile play a!ross his maturing &a!e.
A&ter a long three hour drie we &inally rea!hed )arter 6ake and &ound a good pla!e to stay &or the night. The area was !ompletely surrounded by huge, beauti&ul trees. Beth and # got out o& the !ar and made a slow !ir!le o& the area. The day was warm, but the shade o& so many trees made it absolutely in!redible with endless shade. The ma1e o& trees and egetation went on and on, and any number o& adentures !ould be played out.
"ou thinking what #$m thinking?" Beth asked mis!hieously. # gae her a smile and said,
"*ee you later, Billy9" # grabbed her hand, and we ran toward the thi!ket o& dense &antasy.
"ey9 ou guys gotta help me9" my brother yelled.
"(e$re 7ust girls9 (e !an$t do it anyway9" Beth yelled as we disappeared into the &orest, our giggles the only !lue we were there.
A&ter a bit we stopped running &or &ear o& running head long into a tree trunk. (e walked hand in hand looking at the in!redible beauty o& 2od$s planet. The hillside was sloped slightly, the ground so&t &rom re!ent rains. (e stepped oer &allen trees, and du!ked under low bran!hes. # looked up in wonder at the huge trees, so stoi! in their e0isten!e. )hipmunks !alled warnings to ea!h other, mos4uitoes and butter&lies &luttered about our heads.
"# think we should lie here &oreer. &oreer. -eer go ba!k to s!hool, neer get 7obs when we get older. older. ust stay here he re and lie o&& the land like Tar1an." # said wist&ully.
"5e Tar1an, Tar1an, you ane." Beth Be th said pounding her deeloping breasts with her &ist. # giggled.
"-o way. 5e Tar1an, Tar1an, and you ane."
"8hunh. # want to wear the loin !loth." (e walked on in silen!e. "-o # think we should be more like u!k Finn and a nd Tom Tom *awyer." *he said a&ter a &ew moments.
"# want to be u!k Finn9" # e0!laimed thinking o& the possibilities.
"-o way9 ou$re too brainy to be u!k. ou ou would make a mu!h better Tom Tom *awyer."
*he let go o& my hand and began to dan!e in a !learing we !ame upon. The late a&ternoon sun hid hal& o& the small alley alley in shadow, shadow, the large hill !oered with wild grass on the opposite side rose like a golden giant behind the trees, a small stream disse!ting the wild grass and &lowers. *he li&ted her arms to the sky and tilted her head ba!k.
"# want to be &ree9" she yelled to the silen!e o& the mountains, her loud !ry e!hoing in the e0panse.. +nly a &ar o&& bird answered. # stood ba!k and wat!hed her as she dan!ed and 7umped around. Beth was only twele, soon to turn thirteen in +!tober, but # !ould tell she would be a great beauty some day. *he had hair that was dark, almost bla!k that shone so brightly in the sunlight, sunlight, that rea!hed to 7ust below her shoulders. That. in !ontrast with her ama1ing ama1ing blue eyes, and beauti&ul skin. # was already getting pimples, but she had none. *he was already already tall &or her age, and # guessed would one day be mu!h taller than my mother was, with long legs and an athleti! build.. er in!redibly a!tie li&e kept her young body hard. *he was beauti&ul.
*uddenly Beth stopped yelling and dan!ing, and turned her ba!k to me, her hands in the po!kets o& her shorts. er shoulders slumped in de&eat.
"Beth?" # asked, my brows drawn in !on&usion. "(hy$d you stop?" she said nothing, but # !ould &eel an immense sadness radiate o&& o& her in waes. "Beth?" # asked 4uietly again as # walked to her. "(hat is it?" # put my hand on her shoulder. *he would not look at me. "Tell me." (ithout a word she turned to me and grabbed me in a hug o& desperation. er hands linked behind my ba!k, her head bent down to lay on my shoulder as she sobbed. Alarmed, but knowing she would tell me when she was ready # wrapped her body in my hope&ully !om&orting embra!e, and stroked her hair as # whispered en!ouraging words into her ear 7ust as my mother always did when # was upset. (e stood like that &or maybe two or three minutes when with a &inal sob she said,
"5y &ather is leaing my mother."
"+h, Beth." # said stroking her ba!k. "#$m so sorry. ow do you know?"
*he tightened her embra!e a little, and said, "# heard them &ighting the other night, so # got up and walked to their door. #t was !losed, but # !ould !ou ld hear them yelling, and a nd my mom m om !rying. *he was telling him not to, but my dad said he had to. e !ouldn$t do it anymore."
"%o what?"
"# don$t know. # guess put up with her. *he$s been !oming home real late again. 8sually drunk. #n some ways # don$t blame him. # don$t know." know." she sni&&led, sni&&led, and was 4uiet. (e stood there holding ea!h other, ea!h with her own thoughts and &ears running through our heads.
"Are you going to go with him?" # asked, almost not able to breathe as # waited &or the answer.
"-o. e won$t let me." # slowly released the pent up breath o& relie&, but then &elt guilty. Beth had always been mu!h !loser to her &ather than her mother. (ith a sigh Beth pulled away &rom me, her hands resting on my hips. # wiped her tears o&& her !heeks with my thumb. *he stared down at me, her eyes red, her &a!e swollen with the upset. As # looked on one single tear slid la1ily down her !heek.
"%on$t !ry." # whispered. # leaned &orward and rea!hed up to kiss her &orehead. *he looked so miserable. Then # kissed her lips so&tly, 7ust the barest tou!h o& mine. # pulled ba!k and looked at her, trying to gauge her e0pression. er eyes were dark, burning into mine. *he moed in &or another kiss, but # ba!ked away.
"Billy will be looking &or us." # said, and dropped my hands &rom her body. Beth and # had only kissed the one time last year when she did her play. *he had looked at me seeral times sin!e then the way she was now. Be&ore # neer really understood what that look meant, but now she used it again. #t was a look o& wanting, like when you saw the greatest bike in a store window, and want it so badly it hurts. ad she wanted to kiss me at another time? (as that wanting &or that?
(e began to walk ba!k through the trees as these thoughts whirled around my immature mind. ad # eer wanted to kiss her be&ore? es. There had been a !ouple o& times, but # &elt too &unny about it, so neer brought it up. -ow looking ba!k # know that Beth would hae gone along with it,
and perhaps would hae een started a situation or two o& her own. *he &ound her se!urity, se!urity, and stability in me. But we were girls, # reasoned. (e should be kissing boys, or at least talking about it. All my other &riends did. (eren$t boys the ones that were supposed to get my heart ra!ing like this? 5ake me &eel di11y and dumb, and yet alie all at the same time? 5y hormones probably 7ust hadn$t ki!ked in yet. #t made me too nerous to make it right.
(e emerged out o& the trees to the !learing where Billy had started setting up !amp &or us. is big blue tent was already up, our mu!h smaller red one was in the !reating pro!ess. pro!ess. earing us approa!h he looked oer his shoulder at us.
"There you two nuts are. %on$t eer do that again, Emmy or #$ll nail you to a tree, right be&ore mom nails me to one right ne0t to it9"
"*orry, "*orry, Billy." Billy." # said 4uietly. Both Beth and # were in mu!h more somber sombe r moods now then when we had run o&&. earing the di&&eren!e in my oi!e he looked at us again. is brows drew together in !on!ern and !uriosity, but he asked nothing. Billy neer did.
"(ell sin!e you two think you$re su!h land roers, roers, go and get some sti!ks to start a &ire, and &or marshmallows marshmallows tonight. tonight. But you two get your butts ba!k here in &i&teen &i&teen minutes9" he yelled to our ba!ks as we headed ba!k into the trees.
That night Beth and # lay in our tent in our separate sleeping bags. # lay on my ba!k staring up at the red !anas that was our prote!tion &rom the rain outside. The heay drops pelted down tapping on our tent like it was kno!king on the door: let me in. # !ould hear the portable radio that Billy was listening to in his tent: it sounded sounde d like 6ed eppelin, but # had ha d neer liked his musi!. mus i!.
"Em?"
"eah?" # turned my head to look at Beth. *he was !urled up on her side &a!ing me. #n the darkness # !ould 7ust barely make out her &orm, and !ould not see her &a!e, nor the e0pression in her eyes.
"%o you think you$ll eer get married?"
"5arried?"
"eah. "eah. ou know, with a husband husban d and kids."
"# don$t know. #$e thought about it, but #$d rather go to !ollege. #$e de!ided what # want to be."
"(hat?" she asked with interest.
"A lawyer." # turned on my side so # !ould talk to her easier. "# saw this really neat story on t.. last week where this woman be!ame a lawyer, and she won this !ase where this little boy was kidnapped by his &ather."
"(hy would his &ather kidnap him?"
"# don$t know. Anyway, the woman, # think her name was Terry, and she helped the poli!e get the boy ba!k &or the mother, then she tried the !ase in !ourt and won. *he got to go on %onahue."
"That is really neat. # want to do moies. # don$t eer want to get married. %o you think we$ll be &riends when we$re old?"
"+& !ourse we will9" # e0!laimed, almost o&&ended by the 4uestion. "(e$ll be &riends &oreer."
# loosened the plasti! !oering oer the pi!tures, and took that one out, and studied it. (e had met an older !ouple at the lake who had olunteered olunteered to take our pi!ture &or us, so all three o& us !ould be in it. (e stood by the lake, Billy in the &ishing est our &ather had gien him &or his last birthday birthday,, and the &ish he had 7ust !aught proudly held high by the line. Beth and # were standing ne0t to him, our arm around ea!h other, other, smiles pasted on our &a!es. -ow # look into the eyes o& Beth and see how unhappy, and sad she was. # wondered why # did not see how mu!h her parent$s splitting splitting up had a&&e!ted a&&e!ted her. Perhaps the inno!ents o& the young does not allow you to see these things. Beth should neer hae seen mu!h o& the things she was handed as a kid.
The !aption on the bottom o& the pi!ture read Billy, Billy, Emmy and Beth !at!h dinner. dinner. *pring, <=>=. Below that # had written in my !hildish s!rawl, Emmy and Beth, Friends For 6i&e.
# looked up &rom my past to see *imon staring at me. e had been asleep ne0t to me, and # had not een noti!ed. # pi!ked him up, a rag doll in my hands and held him !lose to me, his eyes !losed, purring in !ontentment. # looked out the windows o& the Fren!h doors that led to the ba!kyard again. -ight was swi&tly approa!hing as the sun took yet another !urtain !all &or the entran!e o& the moon.
"ow$s my boy?" # asked into his thi!k &ur. "(hat do you think, *imon? *hould # let her go? uh?" # stroked his ears as # got lost in thought on!e more.
(hen we got ba!k &rom the lake my mother ran out o& the house to meet the !ar.
"(ow. our mom must hae really missed you guys." Beth laughed. # did not share the 7oke. # !ould see it on my mother$s &a!e: something was wrong. Billy saw it, too.
"# wonder what$s up." e said as he put the *uburban into gear, and !ut the engine. 5y mother ran oer to the ba!k window where Beth and # sat.
"Beth, honey you need to get home 7ust as soon as possible. our mom !alled me this a&ternoon and told me they had something ery important to talk to you about."
"They$re "They$re getting a dior!e dior!e aren$t they?" Beth asked 4uietly, 4uietly, looking at her hands that played with the hem o& her T'shirt. 5y mother looked at me, her pretty &a!e lined with worry. *he looked ba!k to Beth, and put her hand on Beth$s shoulder.
"(hy don$t you go on home, hon. #& you !an !ome ba!k &or dinner later you know you$re more than wel!ome. # know Emmy won$t mind." *he smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood. Beth smiled politely, then slowly got out o& the !ar.
"(ant some help with your gear, Beth?" Billy asked.
"-o, Billy. #$e got it. Em, will you walk me home?" # looked to my mother to see what # should do. *he nodded.
"ou !an walk her to the door, then you need to !ome ba!k here and take your !amping things in. +kay?"
"+kay." # !limbed out o& the !ar a&ter Beth, and helped her to li&t her big du&&el bag out o& the ba!k. (ith a thud the heay bag hit the drieway, where she le&t it to drag on the ground by the long strap.
"Thank you &or eerything." she said oer her shoulder to my mother and Billy who wat!hed &rom the !ar.
(e walked side by side, our steps per&e!tly mat!hed. # looked oer at her pro&ile. *he walked with her head up, her eyes straight&orward. straight&orward. # wished # !ould hae known what was going through her mind at that moment. (e both knew the ineitable end to that 7ourney, yet neither wished to a!knowledge it. # looked &orward again, and we rea!hed her &ront por!h. *he dropped the bag and turned to me.
"(ish me lu!k." she said with a 4ui!k hug, then headed into the house. # stood there &or a moment thinking o& what this !ould mean. # stared at the &ront o& the small house, the light blue paint peeling. 6ight blue !hips were mi0ed in the dark green o& the bushes that lined the &ront wall. #$d neer noti!ed how badly it needed painting painting be&ore. Two or three !oats, maybe? 5aybe that$s what the *ayers$ needed: another anothe r !oat. # turned when # heard &ootsteps !oming toward me. me . #t was Billy.
")ome on, kiddo. elp me lug in all those &ish you !aught." he mussed my hair and gae me a light pun!h in the shoulder. *lowly # turned &rom Beth$s door, and headed home. Billy put his arm around my shoulders as we walked.
"(ill they hae to leae, Billy?" # asked, looking up into the &a!e o& what would be a ery handsome man someday: his eyes dark like our &ather$s, his hair the same lights !olor o& our mother and me.
"# don$t know, Emmy. # 7ust don$t know. (hat is that Aunt Kitty always says: keep hope alie, and doubt at bay? you neer know. 5aybe eerything will be &ine. 2rown up !an do some pretty stupid things sometimes."
(e rea!hed the house in silen!e. Billy grabbed the !amping gear and disappeared into the !on&ines o& his room. # wat!hed as he !losed his door with the sign that read, "TEE-A2E3, #-TE66#2E-)E9 TE *A TE A'B+5E (A* %A-2E3+8*." Another that read, "Beware, boy bites."
(ith a sigh, # went to the kit!hen where my mother was beginning to make dinner. # plopped mysel& down in one o& the kit!hen !hairs with a sigh and wat!hed her work.
"want to help?" she asked turning to me, the dish towel oer her shoulder.
"-o. #$m neer getting married, so why should # learn to !ook?"
"ou$re "ou$re not, huh?" hu h?"
"-ope. #$e de!ided." # said with &inality.
"ou do hae to eat still." she smiled.
"#$ll eat out."
"(ell then, # hope you$re ri!h. *o why aren$t you eer getting married?"
# shrugged. "# don$t know."
# looked at the pile o& dinnerware on the table waiting to be pla!ed. A sta!k o& yellow linen napkins were &olded neatly topped by &ie wooden napkin rings that were n shapes o& elongated !ats !ared to tou!h the tip o& its nose to the tip o& its tail. # pi!ked one o& them up and swung it around my &inger.
"(hy &ie?" # asked, showing my mother the napkin ring.
"our "our Aunt Kitty is !oming oer o er &or dinner." # nodded a!knowledgment.
"(hy did you marry dad?"
Be!ause # loed him." my mother said as she turned ba!k to the stoe to stir the mashed potatoes.
")an # do that?" # asked, eyeing the an o& potatoes.
"*ure you !an. But you may not want to ruin your non'domesti! reputation." my mother gae me a sly smile oer her shoulder. sh oulder.
")an you keep a se!ret?" # giggled.
"ou "ou got it, kiddo."
# leaped up &rom my !hair and took the big wooden spoon &rom her hand.
"But why did you get married?"
"(ell, when a man loes a woman'"
"+h, mom # know all that stu&&. But why get married? )an$t people 7ust lie together, or lie !lose by ea!h other? Aunt Kitty isn$t married to 3on."
"ou !ould, # suppose, like Kitty, but that is 7ust what we do. # hope that she will marry 3on some day. 6ord knows he$s proposed enough times. Being married is the better way to go. For many reasons. (hen you meet that !ertain someone you$ll understand. you$ll want to be !lose to them all the time, and you want to do things with them and go pla!es with them."
5y mom put a pan o& rolls in the oen.
")an # marry Beth?" # asked, turning to look at her. -early dropping the plate she held, she looked at me. # knew it was a ridi!ulous 4uestion, but wanted to see what her response would be.
"(hy would you want to do that?" she asked slowly.
"(ell, we do things together, and # want her around. #sn$t that what you said?"
"es, "es, but honey, hon ey, girls don$t marry girls. ou ou &ind a ni!e young man." m an."
# turned ba!k to the stoe and wat!hed with interest interest as the lump o& mashed potatoes potatoes slid o&& the spoon and &ell ba!k into the pan with a plop.
"ou know, maybe you and Beth should make some more &riends besides 7ust you two. ou would hae a lot more &un with a whole group o& girls. %on$t you think?"
# rested the spoon handle on the side o& the pan and mumbled about haing to put away my !amping gear as # walked out o& the kit!hen and out the &ront door.
Beth did not !ome ba!k oer that night. # was disappointed: # wanted to know what was happening, but my mother told me Beth would tell me when she wanted to. 6ater that night as #
had sat upon the &ront step, im *ayers pa!ked up his !ar, and with a small wae to me droe away, his tail lights in the darkness the last thing # would eer see o& him.
# put the photo album aside and stood, stret!hing stret!hing my s!reaming ba!k. # looked around the liing liing room. The thi!k rugs !oering the hardwood &loors were a light gray, the &urniture so&t bla!k leather with red a!!enting pillows. The walls were lined with &ramed bla!k and whites o& all the pla!es 3ebe!!a and # had been together, or separately, and all the pla!es we wanted to isit some day together. The room was so&t and warm despite the sharp !olors. The mantle on the &irepla!e in the !orner held a beauti&ul pie!e a young artist we knew had s!ulpted &or us as a house warming gi&t. #t was made o& bla!k ony0, and was the &igure o& a woman rea!hing &or the sky, perhaps rea!hing &or her salation.
5y li&e was so di&&erent di&&erent now than # had on!e imagined it would would be. For on!e Beth was not at my side as she had always pro&essed she would. # sat on the !ou!h. The thought o!!urred to me that though she had not been in my li&e &or oer a de!ade, # still relied on her strength &rom a distan!e, the memory o& her sustained me in my !raing. -ow the !onne!tion was &oreer gone. # rubbed my burning eyes.
# looked down to see *imon leaning against my leg, his tail entwined between my !ales.
"ou hungry, little man?" # asked. e answered with a loud meow. "+kay, okay. # need to make something &or your other mom, too or she will not be happy with me."
# walked through the dining room and looked at the table that would seat twele when &ully e0tended that 3ebe!!a and # had re!ently bought. #t$s ri!h, !herrywood &inish shone &rom the last bit o& light !oming in through the two double windows that lined the wall 7ust aboe the mat!hing !herrywood bu&&et table. # ran my &ingers lightly oer the silk &lower arrangement at its !enter.
# entered the kit!hen when # heard the garage door open. # began to take egetables out o& the re&rigerator to start !utting up &or the salad. The inner door opened, and 3ebe!!a waked in, and # looked at her &or a moment. er long red hair, wind blown and tousled &rom a long day o& tea!hing high s!hool s!ien!e, her dark blue'green eyes looked alie and radiant. A &eeling o& urgen!y suddenly &illed me. # walked oer to her and held her to me, almost kno!king her o&& balan!e.
"i, babe9 #$m glad to see you, too, but you already swept me o&& my &eet on!e, you know." she said with a surprised laugh, her arms holding me tightly. # laid my head on her shoulder and wept silently. The sight o& this woman whom # shared my li&e with now and &oreer brought me to my knees. The loing smile was 7ust the permission # needed to really let it all out so # !ould &inally begin to let go. "ey, hey, hey, " she said, gently starting to pull away.
"-o. )an # 7ust !ry &or a minute?" # asked, my hold on her like a ise.
"+& !ourse you !an, Emily. +& !ourse." she pulled me ba!k into her arms, and was silent.
"%on$t !ry, Beth. )ome on. you hae to be strong." # said gently.
"# hate them." Beth said with a &inal sob, her oi!e bitter.
"-o you don$t. They$re They$re your parents. ou$re ou$re not allowed to hate them." # said as # ran my &ingers through her hair. (e were in my bedroom. # was laying on the bed with Beth ne0t to me, her head on my stoma!h, her &aorite position. (e were 4uiet &or a long time. # glan!ed down at her to see i& she had &allen asleep. *he was awake, her ga1e &ar &rom my house.
"(hat are you thinking about?" # asked as # braided a !ouple strands o& her dark hair together. *he didn$t answer &or a minute.
"%o you think #$m weird, Em?" she asked, her &o!us remaining remaining on the wall, almost almost as i& she was a&raid o& my answer.
# laughed. "+& !ourse # do. That is why you$re my best &riend9"
"2ee, thanks." she said dryly. *he grabbed the hem o& my blue and purple striped T'shirt and wiped the drying tears &rom her eyes.
"Thanks, Beth. (asn$t one o& my &aorites anyway."
"Be grate&ul. At least # didn$t blow my nose." # grinned grinne d down at her, swept her hair behind her h er ears. *he pushed the thin material away &rom my stoma!h and e0amined the white skin beneath. # !ould &eel her warm breath as she tra!ed small !ir!les aboe my belly button with her &inger tips.
"Find anything interesting?" # asked, !uriosity keeping me in !he!k.
"ust like a baby$s butt." she smiled, patting the skin o& my stoma!h. *he li&ted her head and stared down at her hand as she &lattened the palm against one side o& my rib !age. "#sn$t it in!redible how there are so many strange little !ures and bumps on a woman$s body?" she tra!ed the !enter line o& my stoma!h up to where the &abri! o& my shirt began 7ust below my burgeoning breasts.
"# guess #$e neer gien it mu!h thought." # said, &eeling unsure about Beth$s e0plorations, and &eeling naked in my un!ertainty.
"m." she said absently, then sat up and pulled my shirt ba!k into pla!e. "6et$s go down to the *oda erk and get some i!e !ream." # stared at her as she 7umped o&& the bed and began to pull her hair ba!k into a pony tail, the bla!k hairband !lamped between her teeth, her weight shi&ting shi&ting &rom one &oot to the other. 5y eyes narrowed as # wat!hed her. This was her habit when she was nerous. # slowly stood, my legs shaking.
"*ounds good." # said, silently letting out the breath that # had been holding.
The late *eptember !hill o& -ew ork was pushed away by the &ire that 3ebe!!a had built &or our a&ter dinner !o&&ee. !o&&ee. This had be!ome a tradition tradition we hadn$t reali1ed reali1ed we$d started until a !ouple o& years ago when one night we didn$t do it, and we both reali1ed how mu!h we missed it. # lay on the !ou!h with my legs resting resting on 3ebe!!a$s 3ebe!!a$s lap, and stared at the strange shadow that dan!ed on the walls &rom the tran!e'like light the &ore threw.
"*o, Beth$s parents split when she was thirteen?" she asked, her hands !aressing my !ales and ankles.
"up. Thirteen. A!tually, that was when they dior!ed. They had de!ided to separate the year be&ore." # let out a sigh and took a sip o& my mo!ha &udge !o&&ee and looked up at the !eiling. "(e were on summer break, soon to be going into seenth or eighth grade. # don$t do n$t remember whi!h one now. # think eighth."
"ow old were you?"
"# was 7ust a !ouple months shy o& turning &ourteen."
"(hy didn$t you tell me any o& this be&ore, Emily?" 3ebe!!a asked as she sipped her !o&&ee. # looked at her &or a moment as # thought o& an answer. (hy hadn$t #?
# told you she was in that play we saw. # pointed her out to you."
"ou "ou did, but only in passing. p assing. ou ou neer really told me who she was e0!ept e0!e pt &or someone you used to know. # remember e0a!tly what you said, in &a!t. (e were sitting there in the dark theater, and when she !ame on stage you said, you see se e that girl playing Pippa? # used to know her."
# smiled. "(ell, yeah but," 3ebe!!a patted my leg to shut me up.
"eah but, nothing. #$m not mad at you, sweetie. # 7ust want to know, that$s all. # want to know about someone who has meant this mu!h to you. # want you to share this with me."
"+kay." # sat up and kissed her lightly on the lips and !aressed the side o& her &a!e with my &ingertips, then laid ba!k down. To be honest, # don$t know why # didn$t tell you. # guess be!ause it was so long ago, and it really doesn$t matter anymore."
"Emily, i& it didn$t matter then Beth$s passing would not be a&&e!ting you as mu!h as it is." she looked at me in the way that she always did when she knew # was &ull o& it. # smiled to mysel&. Kind o& reminded me o& how my mother used to look at me.
"(e used to do eerything together." # said 4uietly. # looked at 3ebe!!a and smiled, then &ound mysel& looking past her, through her to all the adentures we shared together.
A&ter Beth$s parents dior!ed we be!ame een !loser than we had been, i& that was possible. Any other &riends either o& us had at s!hool be!ame se!ondary, some disappearing altogether &rom the world we !reated &or the two o& us. Eery weekend she spent the night at my house, or on the rare o!!asion when her mother would allow it, we stayed at her house. Beth was heaily into the theater and a!ting by that time. *he would !ome up with short one'a!t plays or s!enarios &or us to a!t out.
#n the beginning she had to use some pretty heay powers o& persuasion to get me to parti!ipate, but then # got into them as mu!h as she did. # !ould remember one o& them where she was a shy, ames %ean type !hara!ter, and # was a beauti&ul girl he had seen on the street, and 7ust had to hae. al&way through # stopped stop ped her, her bold written s!ript in my hand.
"Beth, why do you always hae to play a guy?" # plopped mysel& down on my bed, untying the s!ar& &rom around my ne!k that was a "prop", and # had stolen &rom my mother$s !loset. Beth grabbed the end o& it and tried to pull it out o& my hands.
"-o9" # slapped her hand. "5ine."
"(hy, do you want to be the guy?" she said with one o& her !rooked smiles.
"-o9" # e0!laimed. "But why do you hae to be?"
"(ell, someone has to be. ou see, Em, to be a good a!tor you hae to be able to embody other types that 7ust aren$t like you in li&e." she ran her hands down either side o& her head to re'sli!k the water sli!ked hair. 5ore "props".
# !hu!kled. "(hat te0t book did you read that out o&? *o why don$t you eer play a girl, then?" # said slyly. *he looked at me through her long bangs.
"@ery &unny. # already play one o& those in li&e. # don$t want to type'!ast mysel& already. The a!ting world does that tha t enough." she threw hersel& he rsel& down on the bed and stret!hed out beside me on her he r stoma!h. *he rested her !hin on her hands and stared at my headboard. # laid ba!k and stared up at the !eiling. # noti!ed the small spot in the !orner where the roo& had leaked three years ago. (e both were 4uiet, the only sound !oming &rom the ti!k o& my alarm !lo!k on the tall dresser a!ross &rom the bed. *oon a&ter # thought the ti!king o& the !lo!k mat!hed my heartbeat. 5y heart 7umped as the bed s4ueaked as Beth !hanged positions to get !loser to me. # looked oer at her to &ind her laying on her side, her head resting on her hand, looking down at me. *he didn$t say anything, 7ust looked. # began to &eel like a lab rat. A strange heat was making its way up &rom my &eet to my head. # &ound it hard to breath, my mid'se!tion tingling.
"(hat?" # asked, slight irritation marking my oi!e &or being made to &eel un!om&ortable. +r was it ulnerable?
"-othing. #$m 7ust looking at you. you . Am # not allowed to look at you?" Beth asked, a sked, sounding hurt.
"eah, "eah, but why would you want to? # look the same today as # did yesterday yesterday and the day be&ore that9" # sat up and stood &rom the bed. Beth &ollowed my moements, surprise &illing her eyes. "ou are so weird sometimes. ee1." # walked oer to my dresser and began to rearrange my small !olle!tion o& uni!orns. (hy was # getting so upset?
# looked at my re&le!tion in the dresser mirror. 5y shoulders were tight, almost like # was ready to oun!e. *urprised # rela0ed them, the tension &lowing out. # looked at my &a!e, my mouth shut tight, brows drawn in stubborn anger. # looked at Beth through the mirror. *he still laid on the bed, haing rolled ba!k on her stoma!h. *he was &a!ing the opposite dire!tion, her legs bent at the knee, !rossed at the ankles, and slowly swinging up and down in a hypnoti! rhythm. # !ould get lost in that rhythm. *he was resting on her elbows looking at something in her hands. Through the thin material o& her shirt # !ould see the sharp edges o& her shoulder blades. #t reminded me o& the sleek ba!k o& a tiger as it sneaked up u p on its prey.
"(hat are you playing with?" # asked, my oi!e 4uiet &rom guilt. Beth !leared her throat, but did not look at me.
"6ater in the s!ript #$m supposed to gie this to you." she hal& turned and showed me what she held. #t was a small gold plasti! band. "3emember # propose?"
"eah." "eah." # said 4uietly 4u ietly and sat ne0t to her. # took the ring and looked at it, turning it oer n my hand. # smiled at her. "#t$s so sudden, Beth. # thought we$d at least lie together &irst." she laughed. # slid the ring on the ring &inger o& my le&t hand. #t was a bit lose, but it would work.
"(ell, "(ell, honey, honey, i& # ain$t een allowed allowed ta look at ya, how do you eer s$pe!t us ta git married?" she said in one o& her southern hillbilly a!!ents.
"Beth, #$m sorry9 # don$t know why # got so mad." Beth had moed onto her side, and # snuggled up ne0t to her, tu!king my head in her ne!k. *he wrapped her arms around me, and held me. # !ould hear her heartbeat ra!ing in her !hest, her breathing getting &aster. +&& in the distan!e # thought # heard the doorbell.
"# wonder who that is? Probably Aunt Kitty. *he is supposed to !ome oer today."
"%on$t know. 5aybe. our mom and her are pretty !lose, aren$t they?" Beth breathed. *he ran her hand down my ba!k, rubbing any remaining tension out, turning me into 7elly. # !ould only nod. er hand slid to the hem o& my shirt, and her hand slipped underneath. The warmth o& her skin &elt so good # didn$t stop her. # didn$t want her to stop. *he ran her hand up my spine, then ba!k to my waist, then a bit &urther oer to my side, then around my ribs.
A&ter her hand passed oer an area, # !ould still &eel its heat. A burning &eeling started in my lower stoma!h and spread. # !ould &eel my !hest tighten. A oi!e inside my head was !on&used, and wasn$t sure what Beth was doing, but surely it !ould not be anything other than a massage to !om&ort me, !ould it?
# !losed my eyes as her hand rea!hed the underwire o& my bra that !oered the mounds o& my newly &ormed breasts. er &ingers stilled, hand stopped in its tra!ks, almost as i& she was not sure what she was doing, and was surprised to &ind hersel& there.
(ith my head tu!ked down # !ould not see her &a!e. # wished # !ould hae been able to read her eyes. Beth was like an open book to me. *uddenly my skin &elt !old as she remoed her hand out &orm under my shirt. # didn$t say anything, and stayed how # was. (e laid there &or a moment when there was a kno!k at my bedroom door. (e both &ro1e.
"Emmy? Are you two in there, honey?" my mom said &rom the other side.
"eah." "eah." # said, sa id, still in Beth$s arms.
The doorknob rattled. "+pen the door, honey." # rolled away &rom Beth and stood, my legs unsteady as # walked oer and unlo!ked and opened my door 7ust wide enough to look at her.
"(hy did you lo!k your door?" # 7ust stared at her e0pe!tantly. "ou girls were so 4uiet # didn$t een know i& you were still here or not.." she smiled. # 7ust looked at her, impatient, yet grate&ul &or the interruption. "That -ewman girl !ame by. *he wanted to know i& you wanted to go out and do something. # didn$t know i& you were here or not, so # told her you girls would go and get her when you got ba!k."
"5om9 (e don$t want to play with %arla -ewman9" # e0!laimed. (e didn$t want to play with anyone.
"-ow, Emily # know that you two hae an in!redibly busy s!hedule, but %arla -ewman is new here, and she has no &riends. There is no reason why you and Beth !an$t go out and play &or awhile."
"5om'9"
"#t$s not &or the rest o& your li&e, Emily. ust a !ouple o& hours."
# looked ba!k at Beth who sat #ndian style on the bed looking at me, and shaking her head. # turned ba!k to my mother.
"(e don$t want to. 6et her go &ind somebody else."
5y mother sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "+kay." she said and walked ba!k down the hall. # !losed the door and leaned against it, my arms !rossed oer my !hest.
"ee1. # am almost &i&teen, &i&teen, nearly an adult, and she still still treats me like #$m a kid9 # don$t een like %arla -ewman9"
")ome on, Em. %arla is not that bad.." Beth stret!hed out her long legs, and stood &rom the bed. "Besides, you didn$t hae ha e a problem with her the other day."
"eah, "eah, but you weren$t weren$ t home. # had to go with her."
Beth drew her brows and studied me. "(hat is wrong with you lately, Em? ou are so short tempered. Eerything and eeryone is making you mad."
"# don$t know9" # yelled. # walked oer to the bed and plopped mysel& down &a!e &irst. "# hate my mother. " # whined into the wrinkled bedspread.
"-o you don$t either. (hat did you tell me? They are your parents. ou$re not allowed to hate them." Beth said &rom somewhere near me ")ome on. 6et$s go down to the !reek."
(hat the neighborhood kids had dubbed as The Toilet Bowl, was the small !reek that was about hal& a mile away &rom our houses. The !reek ran along a distant bike trail, and ran into a large pond that was walled in by a ring o& huge ro!ks, and was the neighborhood neighborhood swimming hole. The $Bowl$ was surrounded by trees, and dense wild &oliage proiding shade, and mu!h pria!y &or the older kids who would go skinny dipping.
Beth and # sat on the lip o& a large ro!k ledge that sidled up to the water, our &eet in the pond$s !oolness. (e sat side by side, me looking into the murky depths, Beth looking at me.
"(hat$s going on with you, Em? ou are a!ting reeeeeally strange." she !hu!kled to hersel&. "# thought # was supposed to be the one who had an attitude. ou$re the good kid, remember? At least that$s what my mom always says."
"(hy?" # asked, not looking at my &riend, my eyes rieted rieted on the water as the sun beat down on it, making it glow.
"# don$t know." Beth shrugged. "That$s 7ust what she says."
"(ell, that$s stupid. you don$t hae an attitude. you$re per&e!t." # !ould &eel my &riend$s eyes boring into me. # &elt a wae o& heat rush oer me &or the hundredth time that day. # began to &eel un!om&ortable. "6et$s swim." # 7umped up and tugged my shirt oer my head, leaing my small bra on, and unbuttoned my white !ut'o&&s. #n my underwear and bra, # doe into the shallow depths o& the pond.
"Emily9" # heard Beth !all out as my head broke through the sur&a!e. # ground the water out o& my eyes and turned to look at her as she stood on the ro!k ledge, my shorts in her hand.
"(hat?"
"6ook. ou$re, you$re bleeding9" she e0!laimed showing me the red stain in the !rot!h o& the denim.
"what?" # swam oer to her looking at the material with disbelieing eyes. *ure enough. A spot o& blood the si1e o& a siler dollar awaited me. # pulled mysel& out o& the water and looked down at my underwear where # &ound a similar stain made pink as the water had rinsed it o&& some.
"+h my god9" # !ried,. # swallowed as # &elt hot tears sting behind my eyelids. # &elt emotions &lowing through me at an alarming rate, and # had no idea why. # wanted to !ry, laugh, and yell all at the same time. Beth put her arm around my shoulders.
"Are you okay, Em? %o you need to sit down? our mom said that it !an make you &eel weak, or een !ramp up. Are you okay?"
"#$m &ine9" # raged, suddenly &eeling &eeling more than a little embarrassed. embarrassed. # pushed her away &rom me, and tugged my shirt ba!k on. # took the shorts &rom her hand, and began to rinse them in the water o& the pond, praying to 2od that # !ould get the ma7ority o& the stain out so # !ould walk home. The red stayed where it was. "5y mom$s gonna kill me." # sobbed as # rubbed with my &ingertips.
"-o she$s not. *he$ll understand, Em." # stood on shaky legs, and struggled to pull the wet denim oer my legs and butt. "(ell this e0plains a lot." Beth smiled one o& her !rooked grins, her blue eyes twinkling.
"(hat is that supposed to mean? $This e0plains a lot$?" # &ired ba!k, angry that Beth would dare make 7okes at a !risis like this.
"our mom said that a woman will e0perien!e mood swings, and girl, you hae de&initely had them."
"# hae not9 # hae been per&e!tly &ine. Besides. (hat does my mother know, anyway?" # began to walk away &rom her, my wet &eet making my sneakers soggy leading to eery step s4uishing. That made Beth laugh een harder, and added to my misery. Though # was being !hildish and terribly di&&i!ult, deep down # was so thank&ul that Beth was at my side at what # knew, een at the downside o& &ourteen, was a piotal moment n my li&e as a woman.
"*o did your mom get mad?" 3ebe!!a grinned.
"-o, o& !ourse not. #n &a!t, to add to my humiliation, she grabbed me in the &ront yard with neighbors all around us in their yards, and hugged me and made a huge &uss about her baby be!oming a woman. # was morti&ied9" 3ebe!!a threw her head ba!k and laughed, her hand rubbing up and down my !al&. "But then what sel&'sering teen wouldn$t be?"
"*o Beth hadn$t started her yet, obiously?" she asked, still !hu!kling.
"-o. That !ame a &ew months later. *he was lu!ky: she started in the middle o& the night, though it was my mother who helped her through it."
"(hy?"
"+h, Beth$s mom was 7ust &ar too into hersel&. hersel&. *he !ouldn$t &ind the time, # imagine. Between the drinking and the men." # said dryly, remembering how o&ten Beth$s mom would leae her daughter to &igure out her own problems. (e were both silent &or a moment, both lost in our separate thoughts. "+h," # said, grabbing the hand that rested on my knee, our &ingers intertwining. "ow did the do!tor go today?" 3ebe!!a leaned her head ba!k against the !ou!h, her tired eyes looking at me.
"e said that i& it doesn$t take this time, we$ll try one more time. #& that doesn$t take, then he suggested you and # start thinking o& another plan o& a!tion. 5aybe we !ould think about stopping'"
"-o. (e$ll try again." # said sternly. +ne o& us had to stay strong.
"+h, baby. (hat i& this doesn$t work?" she whispered, that little line appearing between her eyes that always did when she was worried worried or upset. # rea!hed my hand out, and rubbed it away with my thumb.
"#t will work, sweetie. #t has to." (e stared into ea!h other$s eyes &or a moment, neither wanting to break the !onne!tion. # needed to &eel her tonight, to know that she was really here, and eerything would be okay. (ith a sigh 3ebe!!a smiled.
"(ell, babe," she said, &inally giing my thigh a s4uee1e. "(e should get to bed. #t$s getting late." she leaned oer, and kissed me so&tly, but # grabbed on to her and deepened the kiss, holding her to me with both hands &raming her &a!e, leaing us both breathless. "(ow." she breathed. "#t is de&initely time &or bed." # laid in the dark wrapped in 3ebe!!a$s arms, and listened to the sound o& her steady breathing. # still !ould not get Beth o&& my mind. There was still more. 5ore # needed to remember, more # needed to &igure out be&ore # !ould &inally let her memory rest. There was so mu!h le&t un&inished between us, le&t unsaid.
# !ould see her &a!e be&ore me. er bright blue eyes shining, her dark hair loosely held in a ponytail or braid, most o& it usually spilling &rom its bonds. *he was smiling at me, that spe!ial little !rooked smile that she saed &or me, and only me. er eyes were so &ull o& li&e, and her adenturous spirit.
# gently disentangled mysel& &rom 3ebe!!a, and slipped out o& bed. (ith a sleepy murmur o& protest, 3ebe!!a released her hold, and turned oer onto her other side. (ith 4uiet &eet # headed into our bathroom and shut the door with a so&t !li!k be&ore turning on the light. # studied my re&le!tion. re&le!tion. 5y hair, whi!h 3ebe!!a !alls golden, rea!hes to 7ust below my shoulders. shoulders. This is the shortest #$e had my hair &or a &ew years. # ran my &ingers through the strands, and tu!ked it behind my ears. 5y green eyes looked dully ba!k at me. # saw no li&e in them right then. The skin under them was slightly pu&&y &rom the !rying # had done earlier. *omething was telling me that # was not done !rying, either. # &elt so emotional like # had a !arbonated bottle o& tears inside o& me that someone had shaken to the point where the !ork was going to shoot o&& into spa!e somewhere leaing the !ontents to oer&low, needing to es!ape.
"Babe, you okay?" 3ebe!!a !alled sleepily &rom our bedroom.
"#$m &ine. 2o ba!k to sleep." *he mumbled something # !ouldn$t understand, then all was 4uiet again. # splashed some !old water on my &a!e, then tiptoed out o& the bedroom.
*imon met me at the top o& the stairs, his long, bla!k tail swishing !uriously in the air, his large gold eyes looking up at me 4uestioningly 4uestioningly as he es!orted es!orted me down the stairs. # trailed my &ingers along the wall as # went down, my eyes &o!using on the images in the pi!tures that lined the stair!ase.
# saw 3ebe!!a and # smiling with our arms around ea!h other standing in &ront o& the beauti&ul !astle o& *leeping Beauty in %isneyland, our &riend )amille had taken the pi!ture while her partner, %ana had stood o&& to the side with a wide grin a!ross her tanned tanne d &a!e. # smiled to mysel&. That had been su!h a wonder&ul trip, and had been our &irst together. (e had only been liing together &or 7ust under a year.
# !ontinued on, looking down to make sure *imon hadn$t planted himsel& between my &eet making both o& us &ly down the remaining stairs. 8nlike him, # knew # would not land on my &eet. 5y heart beamed as # saw the pi!ture o& my loer and # on our dream a!ation to #reland, the land o& her late mother$s birth. (e planned to go ba!k in a !ouple o& years.
A bit &arther down # spotted my !ollege graduation pi!ture. 5y mother had taken the shot, and my &ather and brother were on either side o& me, all three o& us smiling broadly. # was the only one in my &amily to get a degree, Billy opting to 7oin the seri!e instead. # looked into the tired eyes o& my &ather. &ather. e looked older than his years, and # o&ten worried about him. # knew that his health was not great, and my mother 7ust did not want to worry us. 5y &ather was a kind man, and had been a good &ather to grow up with, albeit a stern &igure.
"*o what$s this # hear you and Beth wouldn$t play with that -ewman girl?" my &ather asked, a &ork&ul o& mashed potatoes hal&way to his mouth. # !ould only stare at my &ather, &or # had no answer. #nstead # de!ided to be angry with my mother. # looked at her silently !alling her a traitor. *he didn$t take the bait.
"%arla$s mother said that she was aw&ully upset, Emmy."
"(ell, we don$t like her, 5om." # stammered in lieu o& an e0planation.
"ou don$t like her." 5y &ather said dryly. "(hy? $)ause she$s not Beth?" 5y &ather$s !omment took me by surprise. # looked a!ross the table at my brother who seemed to &ind his meat loa& ery interesting. # knew # would get no help &rom him, mainly be!ause # knew deep down Beth and # were wrong, but would not allow those words to pass through my lips. # looked ba!k at my mother who met my ga1e with her own dark eyes burning into mine.
"# want to see you playing with kids other than Beth. %o # make mysel& !lear, Emily ane?"
"But'"
"%on$t argue with your mother9 That girl has got way too many problems. *he$s a bad in&luen!e on you. # won$t hae my daughter hanging out with that girl. er parents aren$t married anymore, and her mother whores around."
"But, dad, that isn$t Beth$s &ault9" # e0!laimed, my &a!e red with anger.
"%on$t you talk to me that way, young lady9 ou are &ourteen years old, and are still a !hild. # don$t gie a damn i& you$e started your monthly or not." # turned een redder at this announ!ement to the &amily. # !ould not een look Billy in the &a!e terri&ied o& what #$d see there.
"enry," my mother said 4uietly to my &ather, pla!ing her hand on top o& his. 5y &ather glan!ed up at me with apologeti! eyes &or a moment be&ore they be!ame serious again.
"2irls your age should hae lots o& &riends. 3ight, honey?" he turned to look at my mother. "%idn$t you hae lots o& girl&riends girl&riends at Emmy$s age?" my mother didn$t answer, answer, but turned to me instead. *he pla!ed her so&t, warm hand oer mine.
"*weetie, "*weetie, we$re not saying that you !an neer see or play with Beth again. +nly that maybe you should gie some other girls a !han!e. There has been a &ew new &amilies that hae moed into the neighborhood, and #$e seen some girls and boys your age with them. +kay?"
"Fran!is, don$t a!t as i& this isn$t serious9" my &ather said sternly to my mother.
"oney, "oney, # will handle handle this." 5y mother gae him the $look$. e shut his mouth and took a drink o& his milk, his eyes looking elsewhere.
"+kay?" my mother asked me again.
# looked down at my hal&'eaten dinner, and plopped my &ork into the mountain o& mashed potatoes. # simply nodded, &eeling a lump in my throat too thi!k to speak oer.
"2ood." 5y mother patted my hand be&ore releasing it.
"*o, Billy, Billy, how did try outs go? %id you make the team?" my &ather asked with barely !ontrolled !ontrolled e0!itement edging his oi!e. # didn$t bother to listen to my brother$s answer. (hy should # !are i& he made the stupid baseball team or not? # pi!ked up my &ork again and pushed my &ood around until it was a big pile o& meatloa&, mashed potato, and greenbean mush.
# leaned against the !ounter as # wat!hed the sink &ill steadily with billowy suds. 5y head 7erked to the right when # heard a !rash. Billy ran into the handle o& the oen as he tried to !at!h the dishtowel that he was throwing up into the air. e drew his brows together as he groaned, holding his stoma!h. # smiled to mysel&. *eres him right, the big dope that he was. e wouldn$t een stand up &or Beth.
"#s that water done yet?" he whined, walking oer to stand ne0t to me.
"Almost." # said absently wat!hing the hot water stream out o& the &au!et.
"2ood. # don$t wanna be here all night with you."
"Thanks." # said, slugging him in the gut. e doubled oer and glared at me. "This is 7ust not &air, Billy."
"(hy? (e always hae to do dishes. #t$s like a national pastime,." he grinned.
"-ot the dishes, you dope, this whole stupid thing with Beth. #t su!ks9 %ad is being so un&air." # looked oer my shoulder to the doorway o& the kit!hen to make sure neither o& my parents were in hearing distan!e. # !ould hear )aptain Kirk giing orders to *po!k in the ne0t room. # turned ba!k to my brother. "(hy is he doing this, Billy?" he shrugged his broad shoulders.
"# don$t know, Emmy. ou know dad. e usually has a reason &or what he does een i& he$s the only one who knows the reason." he grinned and slugged me lightly in the arm. "e loes us, and is always trying to do what$s best, or something. # think he 7ust worries be!ause Beth has so many problems with her &amily, and that whole thing with her mom haing that &ling with the president o& that bank she works at." 5y head snapped around to stare at him.
"ow do you know about that?" Billy shrugged indi&&erently, grabbing the hand&ul o& knies that # had 7ust washed and put into the sink with rinse water.
"Eeryone knows about that, Emmy. #t$s no big se!ret."
"But, they neer throw a &it be!ause you and ohn spend so mu!h time together. together. And his dad$s a drunk, too9 And he beats his wi&e9 *o what$s the big deal about me and Beth? 2od, this is so stupid9" # !ould &eel my anger building. #t was not &air that my parents were trying to di!tate who # spent time with. 5y blood began to boil. ow dare they try to !ome between me and Beth9
")ome on, Emmy, you know you guys !an still play, or whateer it is you do."
"%on$t pa!i&i1e me, Billy9" my brother grinned.
"That$s patroni1e, you dip. And #$m not." # slammed the newly washed glass into the hot water so hard that a stream o& it &ountained up into the air and splashed me in the &a!e. 5y brother &ell against the !ounter laughing, his hand holding his stoma!h. "%ang, girl. )alm down." e said through his tears. # 7ust glared at him and wiped my &a!e o&&.
# made my way into the kit!hen, and brewed mysel& a pot o& 2inger Pea!h hot tea. *itting with my steaming steaming mug at the table, # opened the photo album on!e again. The year <=< !ame in with a bang. 5y &ather had 7ust been promoted at the !ar dealership to sales manager the preious %e!ember, and my brother would be heading out to the military a&ter his high s!hool graduation in une. Beth and # would be heading into high s!hool in the &all. 3onald 3eagan would be ele!ted president and shot be&ore the year was out, and the greatest o& all t.. Phenomenon$s o& the eighties would begin, 5T@. Two hundred and ninety'si0 people would die &rom the short'lied title o& $the gay !an!er$ during that twele'month period.
# &lipped to a pi!ture that immediately brought a smile to my lips. The Polaroid showed me and Beth in the liing room o& my parent$s house, our arms around ea!h other$s shoulders, glasses o& red Kool'Aid raised high &or the !amera. +ur young &a!es had huge smiles plastered on them. #n the ba!kground my parents !ould be seen in ea!h other$s arms !aught &oreer in a -ew ear$s kiss. Billy had snapped the pi!ture right at midnight. 5om, %ad, Emmy and Beth !elebrate the -ew ear <=<.
"That looks like su!h a rad moie9" Beth e0!laimed, staring at the in!redible images o& the adentures adentures o& a new hero, #ndiana ones. *teen *pielburg$s *pielburg$s instant !lassi!, !lassi!, #ndiana ones and the 3aiders o& the 6ost Ark was due out in theaters soon.
"# !an$t wait9" Billy agreed &rom the !ou!h behind us as we sat on the &loor, as he dumped a hand&ul o& pop!orn into his awaiting mouth. Beth looked oer her shoulder at him with a lopsided grin on her &a!e.
"# bet arrison Ford ki!ks as mu!h ass as he did as an." she grinned, re&erring to her hero playing an *olo in *tar (ars, and The Empire *trikes Ba!k..
"Beth." "Beth." # said in surprise. "5y parents might hear you. (at!h your mouth." *he stu!k her tongue out at me, and turned ba!k to Billy.
"-ot to mention, Karen Allen." he grinned. Beth smiled ba!k at him and nodded be&ore she turned ba!k to me.
"(ho$s Karen Allen?" # asked, looking &rom one to the other.
"A really !ute !hi!k." Billy in&ormed me with a grin. # shrugged and turned to Beth.
"ey, ready &or bed?" she grinned as she wiggled a brow, letting me know she had something planned.
"ey, don$t leae me down here alone, guys." Billy !omplained. "#t$s bad enough # had to stay home tonight."
"ou had a !han!e to go with *arah and her &amily, Billy." # !hastised with the slightest bit o& sympathy.
"eah, but her dad hates me. -o way am # gonna spend a !ouple days with that old gee1er wat!hing us eery minute. Talk Talk about a shitty -ew ears." ears."
"2uess he 7ust doesn$t want a bun!h a pups le&t a&ter you leae." Beth said with a wi!ked smile. "*orry, Billy boy. 2otta go." she said dramati!ally, and grinned. # shrugged my shoulders at his in!redulous look, and stood to lead the way toward the stairs.
5y bedroom hadn$t !hanged mu!h oer the years. # still had the pastel blue !urtains oer the large window, window, but had talked my mom into letting me paint the room. -ow instead o& the !urtain mat!hing blue, my walls were white. -ot a big i!tory, but li&e is made up o& small i!tories, # reasoned. Plastered on my walls were posters o& arrison Ford, the musi!al group Toto, and +liia -ewton'ohn on one !loset door with Bonnie Tyler on the other. )lark 2able and @iian 6eigh gra!ed the wall on one side o& my dresser mirror while udy 2arland gra!ed the other side with Tom Tom %rake in a still &rom 5eet 5e #n *t. 6ouis, &oreer &ro1en &ro1e n in the !lassi! !la ssi! ollywood pre' kiss pose. +n the wall opposite the dresser wall was a poster with Bogie and #ngrid Bergman &rom )asablan!a. Beth had gotten me into the great !lassi!s.
"+h, man. (hat a long night." Beth breathed as she plopped down on my bed and grabbed her oer'night bag &rom the &loor and set it in her lap. *he un1ipped the largest po!ket, and dug around &or a &ew minutes when with a smile she withdrew a small bottle &illed nearly &ull with !lear li4uid. *he gae me a grin &ull o& mis!hie&.
"(hat$s that?" # asked walking to the bed and sitting ne0t to her.
"3um."
"3um?" # repeated, my !uriosity pi4ued. "(here did you get it?" # took the bottle &rom her and began to read the label. "3onri!o "3onri!o siler siler label. Puerto 3i!an 3um." *he took the bottle ba!k &rom me and uns!rewed the !ap.
"#t$s my mom$s."
"8h, won$t she miss it?" # asked, still eyeing the little glass bottle warily.
"-ah. Are Are you kidding? kidding? *he$s got enough to last her ten -ew ear$s. ear$s. *he won$t know it$s gone." Beth put the opening to her lips, and with a deep breath took a drink. # had to grab the 3um &rom her as she began to !ough and stammer, almost dropping it to the !arpet.
"ou okay?" # asked as # thumped her ba!k, !on!ern &illing my &a!e.
"8gh9 eah, #$m &ine. Try some." she said, her oi!e low, and rough &rom the !oughing &it and the burning li4uid, indi!ating the bottle in my hand. # gae her one last glan!e to make sure she wasn$t going to keel oer, and took a swig. The sweet &ire &illed my mouth, and # !len!hed my eyes tightly shut so # wouldn$t spit it all oer my bed. # managed to swallow it down, &eeling the 3um sear my insides as it went to &inally land s4uarely in my stoma!h with a whoosh.
"2ood god9" # !ried a&ter my own !oughing &it. # handed the bottle ba!k to Beth. "That stu&& is aw&ul9 our mom a!tually drinks that stu&& on purpose?" Beth laughed at me.
"# know. #t$s better when you hae it in something like a dai4uiri."
"ow would you know?"
"#$e had them be&ore. They$re really good." # eyed her with a raised brow, then shrugged.
"*o what do you think o& that new kid, what$s his name? *!ott something?" # asked looking at her pro&ile as she took another drink. *he !losed her eyes as she swallowed, not looking at me as she handed oer the 3um. *he swallowed a !ouple o& times, but did not !ough or show any other sign o& dis!om&ort. dis!om&ort. Finally Finally she took in a mouth&ul o& air to !ool o&& her tingling mouth. *omething *omething told me that that was not her &irst time with straight 3um.
"*!ott 5athews?" # nodded as # took a drink. "# think he$s a dork. (hy?"
"%arla likes him. e$s all # heard about last week. *!ott this, *!ott that. #sn$t *!ott !ute, he$s got a !ute butt." %arla -ewman had be!ome one o& my !lose &riends, !ompletely against Beth$s will, but it pleased my parents. They did not get along that great, but Beth tolerated her &or my bene&it. %arla thought Beth was weird be!ause she did not like make'up, nor did she do anything with her hair. 5any o& the girls our age wore their hair at shoulder length or shorter, but Beth, as usual, went against the !rowd. ! rowd. *he wore her dark hair long and an d straight, though usually us ually pulled ba!k in a ponytail, or smashed down by some hat. er long bangs were !onstantly being pushed out o& the way by her hand or mine. *he did not !onstantly talk about boys, and she had no interest in !lothes. *he 7ust did not &it in, and she relished her di&&eren!es. *he said that this made her uni4ue. # thought it 7ust made &or hard times with people sni!kering behind your ba!k, and making 7okes about you. Beth didn$t mind the names they !alled her, most o& whi!h # really didn$t een
understand what they meant. +ne o& the &aorite names that !ame &rom the boys was dike. # mean, what does a water embankment hae to do with her? # didn$t understand it. +n!e # told Billy how silly and strange it was &or Beth to be !alled that. e turned bright red, and walked away mumbling mumbling about homework. homework. All the same, # thought it was interesting interesting that all the reasons people didn$t like Beth, were e0a!tly the reasons # did.
"# think he$s a dork, too. # mean, he$s not een !ute." # said. # looked oer at Beth and waited as she took a drink.
"Ahhh9" she e0!laimed sma!king her lips together with a smile.
"ou$e got to be 7oking. That stu&& is aw&ul." # took the bottle &rom her outstret!hed hand and looked at it with drawn brows making an impromptu de!ision that # did not like 3um. "(hat is this stu&& supposed to do to you, anyway?" -o sooner were the words out o& my mouth when # &elt a surge o& energy run through my body making it tingle &rom the soles o& my bare &eet to the end o& my ponytail. 5y eyes opened wide as # tried to sti&le a giggle that sprouted straight &rom my gut.
"ou were saying?" Beth grinned.
"(hoa." # breathed, turning to her. "# &eel reeeeally strange." # grinned. #t &elt as though my head were as light as a &eather, strange thoughts &loating around like billowy !louds in a !lear, !lear, blue sky.
"3eally?" Beth said, trying to hold ba!k her own giggle. "ou don$t look strange."
"-o?" Beth shook her head, her bangs &alling into her eyes. # rea!hed out to try and moe them out o& the way, way, but my eyes weren$t working working as well as they usually did, and my per!eption was o&&. "*orry, Bethy, Bethy, honey." # sni!kered as # poked her in the eye.
"Cuite all right." she giggled, rubbing her red right eye. # would always be a lightweight when it !ame to al!ohol. # !ouldn$t keep my head still so it began to bob on my ne!k like it was hooked to a spring, whi!h made us laugh een more.
# smiled as # ran my &inger oer the glossy &a!es in the pi!ture. (e were so young. Then my smile began to turn bittersweet. The year # turned &i&teen would also be the year that our &riendship would take a seere see re turn &or the worse. But # didn$t didn $t want to think about that. tha t. 5y thoughts turned ba!k to the &irst night Beth got me drunk. A&ter many silly attempts at playing !ards, a!ting out s!enes &rom our &aorite moies, and singing, we de!ided to go to bed, the al!ohol draining the energy out o& us both.
Beth turned o&& the wall light swit!h, and stumbled her way ba!k to bed, hissing a !urse as she sma!ked her &oot on something. # laid on my ba!k staring up at the !eiling, my mind !aught between a state o& total e0haustion, and utter !larity. !larity. #t was a strange &eeling. &eeling. # &elt the mattress shi&t as Beth laid down ne0t to me on her ba!k, her eyes on my pro&ile. *he was 4uiet, but # !ould hear her breath !ome in 4ui!k bursts. *he turned on her side &a!ing me.
"Em?" she asked, trying to whisper, but not 4uite making it. # grinned.
"es, "es, Beth?"
"ou$re "ou$re a &un drunk." drun k." she giggled.
"# am not a drunk. ou$re ou$re the drunk. ou ou drank a way lot more than # did, you &ish." *he giggled again.
"-a ah. ou did."
"-o, you did." # rolled oer on my side &a!ing her and stu!k my &inger in her side. *he yelled out and moed her body away &rom me.
"*hhh," # laughed as # began to atta!k again. "ou$ll wake up my parents." # rea!hed out with both hands, groping &or her most ti!klish parts.
"ou better 4uit," she said through !len!hed teeth, grabbed my hands to still them and gie her a!hing sides a repriee. "#$m warning you, Em. ou$ll be sorry." # giggled as # looked into her eyes that held an eil gleam in the darkness o& my bedroom. # stu!k my tongue out at her. her. *he raised
her eyebrows, and leaned up on her elbow, looking down at me. A burst o& heat roared through my body landing s4uarely between my legs. # swallowed. "Are you gonna stop?" she asked 4uietly.
"-o." # !roaked. (hy did # say that? # !ould end this all right now, and get her to stop looking at me that way i& only #$d agree to behae. Then we !ould go to sleep.
"-o?" *ay yes9 *ay yes9
"%o you think #$d a!tually listen to you, 5iss *marty Pants?" # !ould a!tually hear a groan !ome &rom inside my head somewhere. # shoed it away, and glared play&ully ba!k at her. # rea!hed an e0perimental hand toward her stoma!h again, only &or it to be taken in hers. *he pushed me on to my ba!k and rolled on top o& me, holding both o& my hands now se!urely oer my head. 5y head was in a da1e &rom the al!ohol that still ran though my system, and also &rom the heat, and weight o& Beth$s body stret!hed out on mine. (hereer her skin tou!hed mine, my body &lamed. # &elt like # had a &ull'body &eer. &eer. +ur legs were bare, leaing only a barrier o& our underwear and T'shirts T'shirts between our bla1ing bodies.
"Are you still going to &ight me?" she breathed, breathed, her lips 7ust in!hes &rom mine. # !ould only shake my head. *he smiled smiled aguely. aguely. #$m not sure who &inally &inally bridged the gap between our mouths, mouths, but the ne0t thing # knew her lips were pressed to mine. *he let go o& my hands and ran her own down to my shoulders. shoulders. 5y hands automati!ally automati!ally &lew down, and rea!hed out a!ross the e0panse o& her ba!k, her immense body heat nearly burning me through the thin material o& the T'shirt she was using to sleep in. +ur bodies shi&ted slightly, slightly, and # nearly !ried out as # &elt her leg go between mine, her thigh pressed to the throbbing between my legs. # had no idea what was happening, but # was en7oying it thoroughly. # &elt wet as i& # had peed my pants. # !ould &eel Beth$s own strange wetness against my own thigh. # began to pull away &rom her, but she grabbed me tighter. Then # &elt the wetness o& her tongue against my swollen lips. # had heard about this &rom Billy. Fren!h kissing. )urious, # eagerly opened my lips to her. er tongue was so&t, and wet, and # !ould &aintly taste 3um mingled with )rest toothpaste. *he ran her tongue oer mine, and seemed to sear!h &or something 7ust out o& rea!h in my mouth. # heard her whimper as she pressed her lower body into mine. # gasped as her thigh rubbed against me, and then she started a slow, ro!king motion with her body. *he pulled her mouth &rom mine, and buried her &a!e into my ne!k. # !losed my eyes, my hands rea!hed down to press her more into me, deepen the !onta!t. *he rea!hed a hand down and grabbed my thigh that wasn$t between her legs, and raised it so it rested near her hip. # su!ked in my breath at the intensi&ied sensation. # !ouldn$t help it as a moan es!aped my throat. This seemed to a&&e!t Beth as her rhythm 4ui!kened. # &elt hot breath on the side o& my ne!k &ollowed by her lips. # ar!hed my ne!k in response as # noti!ed additional sensations !oming &rom my breasts as hers rubbed against mine. # !ould &eel a tight,
tingling &eeling, almost pain&ul, throbbing &rom my nipples that were hard like when # got out o& the shower. # rea!hed my hands up and put my &ingers between our bodies and onto Beth$s nipples. They were 7ust as hard as mine &elt. *he groaned into the tender skin o& my throat at the !onta!t.
"+h, Em." she breathed.
# !ould &eel a pressure building in the pit o& my stoma!h, and was working its way down with eery moe o& Beth$s thigh against me. #t moed 4ui!kly to spread out like a blanket o& warmth spreading into my butt and tops o& my thighs, and was sailing like a !omet through the sky to between my legs. 5y breathing started !oming &aster as the wae o& heat began to turn into a pulse like a heartbeat. 5y hips ar!hed up as i& they had deeloped a mind o& their own to meet Beth$s rhythm. # dug my &ingers into the hem o& Beth$s shirt as # &elt that pulsing pressure e0plode out o& my body with a blast o& light behind my eyes. 5y mouth opened as my eyes !losed, my breathing and heart stopped. # !ould &eel Beth tense against me, her breaths !oming in gasps against my ne!k, her hands !urling into the sheet on either side o& my head until her hips stopped all together.
*lowly, slowly the world returned on its a0is, and # !ould again breathe. Beth pushed up so she was aboe me with her weight on her arms. (e stared into ea!h ea !h other$s eyes, eye s, not sure what wh at else to do. *he opened her mouth as i& she were going to say something when we both started as a kno!k sounded at my bedroom door.
"Emmy? Beth? Are you two okay?" my mother$s oi!e said 4uietly &rom the other side. # swallowed, hard, but managed to bring my oi!e to its normal leel.
"Fine, mom."
"# heard a noise." # looked up at Beth who shrugged her shoulders, her eyes looked as morti&ied morti&ied as # &elt.
"8h, Beth &ell out o& bed. *he had a bad dream." # !losed my eyes at how lame # knew the lie sounded. But my mother seemed to buy it.
"+kay, sweetie. *ee you in the morning."
"$-ight." # heard her so&t, slippered steps &ade and disappear altogether.
To my dole&ul relie&, Beth moed o&& o& me, and laid on her side o& the bed on her ba!k, !are&ul not to tou!h me in any way. 5y body &elt !hill in the !old anuary night air when she took her body heat &rom me. # stayed where # was, but looked oer at Beth, noti!ing that her breathing still had not !ompletely returned to normal. *he put her &orearm oer her eyes.
"# am so drunk." she whispered.
"eah." # groaned dramati!ally. "5e, too." # a!tually had neer &elt more sober in all my &ourteen and a hal& years. # swallowed as # !ould still &eel a &aint pulsing between my legs. (hat had we 7ust done? (as that normal between &riends? Between girls? %arla -ewman and some o& her &riends had told me stories about how they lay down with a pillow or a teddy bear and rubbed against it. #s that why they do that?
# turned to look at Beth e0pe!ting to meet eyes made dark by the night, but # met her ba!k instead. er breathing was &airly normal no rmal now, and # !ouldn$t tell i& she was asleep or not.
"Beth?" # whispered, barely audible to my own ears. er only reply was a slight moan as she resettled her shoulder against the mattress.
The light o& the morning !ame 4ui!kly, its brightness stirring me out o& a restless sleep. # glan!ed oer at my alarm !lo!k that sat on the dresser top a!ross &rom the bed. #t was only eight'&i&teen. # laid my head ba!k down on the pillow with a sigh. 5y head hurt, and # didn$t &eel like my &eet were !ompletely on earth yet. # looked oer at Beth. *he lay on her stoma!h, &a!ing me, arms !rossed underneath the pillow. *he was still ery mu!h asleep, her breathing slow and deep. # studied her &a!e as last night !ame ba!k to me. er mouth was rela0ed with a slight smile upon her &ull lips. 5aybe she was reliing reliing the e0perien!e in the land o& sleep? # !losed my eyes as a now &amiliar &amiliar heat shot to between my legs. -o, no. -eer again. (e !an neer do that again.
# stood at the !ounter with my hand on the top o& the !o&&ee maker as it perked to li&e, my mind and eyes a million miles and years away. # saw ourseles that morning as we dressed &or
break&ast. Beth and # 7oked around as usual, both !omplaining about our !ommon heada!he, and shared a giggle or two about getting away with getting drunk. To the untrained eye it would hae seemed as i& nothing was wrong or di&&erent. di&&erent. But # knew. # !ould not meet Beth$s eyes. # thought that i& # looked into the o!ean'blue depths o& those e0pressie eyes # would see something that would s!are me, and that # wouldn$t wou ldn$t be able to turn away &rom it. +ur usual, easy ea sy !onne!tion was gone, and # missed it.
# 7umped slightly as # &elt arms en!ir!le my waist, and warmth along my ba!k, but then rela0ed ba!k into the &amiliar body.
"(hat time did you !ome ba!k to bed?" 3ebe!!a whispered into the side o& my ne!k.
"6ate. Too late." # !losed my eyes as # &elt a hand snake its way up to !up my breast through the !otton o& my T'shirt. T'shirt. 5y body responded immediately, already ele!tri&ied &rom the memory.
"5mm. #& only # didn$t hae to go to s!hool today." she whispered.
"+h, the things # !ould do to you."
3ebe!!a !hu!kled into my ear.
"ou are !ruel, Emily."
"ou hae no idea." # turned in the !ir!le o& her arms and looked deep into my loer$s eyes. # saw so mu!h loe and !ompassion there. ow had # gotten so lu!ky?
"(hen are we going to &ly to )olorado?" she asked as she gently kissed my swollen, red eyes one at a time.
"(e?" # asked breathlessly, my hands slowly !aressing her ba!k and rear.
"5mhm. #$m going with you to the &uneral." 3ebe!!a$s lips traeled to my ear, taking the lobe between her teeth. # !losed my eyes.
"8h, what, what about s!hool?" 5y hand rea!hed around the &ront o& her robe and slowly pulled the belt loose, letting the material slide through my &ingers.
"#$ll take a &ew days personal leae. #t$s not a problem."
"+h, Be!ky, honey. # don$t want you to get in trouble. #t$s not that important." 5y hands swept the ends o& the terry'!loth aside and # stared hungrily at her naked breasts 7ust be&ore my hands &ound their so&tness. 3ebe!!a groaned as her lips &ound mine.
"#t$s important to you, baby." 3ebe!!a gently pushed me ba!k toward the !ounter top and motioned that # should hop up onto it. # did as instru!ted.
"# !an go alone, ooooh." # breathed as her hand slid between my thighs, her &ingers &inding my underwear that was already soaked. *he gently slipped a &inger around the edge, and slid into me. # threw my head ba!k, my bottom lip !aught between my teeth. 3ebe!!a ran her tongue along my e0posed throat.
"ou$ll neer hae to go alone, Emily." she whispered as she began to slowly pump in and out o& me when she added a se!ond &inger. er lips &ound mine again. "ou want me to go, don$t you?" she breathed into my mouth.
"+h, yes...yes, # want...want you to go." # !losed my eyes tightly. *he in!reased her rhythm as her tongue &ound my ro!k hard nipple through my shirt. # groaned, opening my legs wider &or her. 3ebe!!a moed the silky material o& my underwear aside a bit more as she rea!hed her thumb in, and began to rub me with slow, measured moements.
"+h, god." # moaned. # began to ro!k my hips as # &elt mysel& getting !lose. 3ebe!!a in!reased her thrusts as my moans !ame &aster and !loser together. together. # grabbed the handles on the !abinet doors behind me, and !len!hed my eyes shut, my mouth open as # &elt mysel& slip oer the edge. 3ebe!!a 4ui!kened her moements as her &ingers !oa0ed the orgasm out o& me, one stroke at a
time. # !ried out her name as my body !ollapsed against the !abinets, my breathing heay. 3ebe!!a remoed her hand and leaned into me, kissing me so&tly. so&tly. # held her &or a moment until eerything slowed down to normal speed. Finally # pulled ba!k &rom her. (ith a wi!ked gleam in her #rish eyes she put her inde0 &inger that was !oered with my wetness to her lips, and su!ked gently. # stared, trans&i0ed. A&ter A&ter a moment she pulled pu lled the &inger &ree.
"-ow # !an taste you all day."
3ebe!!a hustled hustled out the door with a 4ui!k pe!k on my lips, our !ounter top interlude making making her run slightly late &or work. # !losed the door behind her, and leaned against it thinking o& all # had to do today to get us ready to go.
# laid my big bea!h towel with a &aded Popeye winking at me on it, out on the &ront lawn, and !are&ully arranged mysel& on it, one leg bent up, the other straight out in &ront o& me. # leaned ba!k on my elbows, my &a!e raised toward the rays o& the un!hara!teristi!ally hot early 5ay sun. # pushed my sunglasses up slightly smudging the lens with my &inger, leaing a smear o& )oppertone a!ross it..
"%amn." # whispered to mysel&. # !losed my eyes, and waited &or the sun to do its 7ob.
"ou know that$s really bad &or you." # heard a oi!e say, a slight dry tone to it. # opened my eyes and s4uinted against the silhouette o& Beth standing oer me. # didn$t need to see her &a!e to imagine the lop'sided grin that was surely there.
"*o. %arla said that all the girls are doing this."
"(hat do you !are what the other girls girls are doing?" Beth plopped down on the grass ne0t to me, her long, shorts'!lad shorts'!lad legs bent at the knees, her hands dangling oer the tops. *he ad7usted her %ener Bron!os !ap on her head, li&ting the bill slightly so # !ould see her &a!e up to the bottom o& her eyes, the rest !loaked by shadows.
"# don$t know why on earth you bother wearing that !ap. The Bron!os su!k." # said wrinkling my nose.
"ou "ou 7ust wait, Em. +ne o& these days we are going to get the greatest 4uarterba!k 4uarterba!k eer to play the game, and then you$ll laugh. )raig 5orten is okay &or now, but you 7ust wait. ou mark my words. )an you say *uperbowl )hampions?" *he ad7usted the !ap again.
"(hateer. *o why are you so late? # thought you were going to !ome oer earlier this morning?" # grabbed the small brown bottle o& suntan oil &rom the towel under my thighs, and s4uirted some into the palm o& my hand. "(ant some?" # e0tended the bottle to Beth.
"-o. # don$t intend to sit out here and bake, thank you."
"ey, 7ust $!ause some o& us aren$t naturally tan like some people # know." # glared up at her. Besides, a tan looks really good." # argued as # began to spread a se!ond layer o& the !o!onut smelling oil oer my ery white legs.
"eah, in une or uly. Em, this is the &irst hot day we$e had yet this year." # !hose to ignore the obious &a!t, and returned to my &irst 4uestion.
"*o where were you?"
"# was talking to my dad." she said trying to hide the grin that slowly spread a!ross her &a!e.
"e !alled? +h, Beth that$s great9 # know he hasn$t !alled sin!e )hristmas." # smiled, truly happy &or Beth. # knew that her basi! non!halan!e was a !omplete and total a!t. *he was always beyond thrilled when im !alled or wrote. "(hat did he hae to say? ow$s his new wi&e? (hat$s her name?"
"6ynn." # nodded, and began to spread the sti!ky oil on my other leg be&ore starting on my arms. "They$re &ine. appy. 2uess what, Em?" the leel o& e0!itement in her oi!e 4uadrupled in those last three words. # looked at a t her, sensing that she would need my &ull attention &or what she had to say. "#$m going away &or the summer9"
"(hat9" she had my attention, all right.
"eah. 5y dad is going to send me to a !amp &or talented kids. #$m going to do theater9 #sn$t it radi!al9" Beth glowed. # &elt my heart sink. (hat would # do &or an entire summer without my Beth? # &elt my heartbreak turn into anger.
"(hat, so you$re dad has nothing to do with you &or like almost two years, and now you$re going to drop eerything and run to his be!k and !all?" Beth$s &a!e dropped. *he looked at me &or almost a &ull minute be&ore she spoke, her oi!e ery low.
"# am not running to his be!k and !all. # loe my &ather, and would do anything to see him and be with him i& een &or 7ust a little while. And besides, this isn$t about him. This is an ama1ing opportunity &or me to do di&&erent kinds o& theater. 2ain some e0perien!e. *ome o& the best instru!tors instru!tors in the !ountry are going to be there." *he stood and wiped her hands oer the rear o& her shorts to kno!k any loose grass o&&. "Besides, someone like you wouldn$t understand. ou$re too busy trying to look like %arla -ewman." Beth stepped oer my bea!h towel and walked a!ross our yard to her own be&ore disappearing through the torn s!reen door.
"ou$ll miss my birthday, and the &ourth." # said to mysel&, &eeling beyond miserable. 5y stoma!h &elt strange, my !hest &elt,... empty.
# slowly lowered the lid o& the suit!ase, the solid !li!k o& the snaps bringing me ba!k to the present. # wiped a &inger under my eye, and !olle!ted the wetness with the tip. # had hurt Beth so bad that day in late spring. spring. # should hae been thrilled thrilled &or her. #t was a !han!e o& a li&etime. li&etime. *he knew it. # re&used to !are.
# opened the s!reen door, !are&ul not to let it slam behind me, or !han!e being skinned alie by my mother. opping o&& the step o& the por!h, trying to gather my !ourage, # headed a &ew &eet toward the *ayers$ yard when # stopped dead in my tra!ks.
"ou$r "ou$ree worthl worthless9 ess9 ou$d ou$d rather run to that that bastard bastard who le&t you9 ou ou got that, that, Beth? Beth? e abandoned you sayin$ you ain$t een his kid anyway9" -ora *ayers s!reamed, her shrill, drunken oi!e !arrying on the late eening bree1e.
"That$s not true9" Beth s!reamed ba!k, her oi!e 7ust this side o& all out tears.
"-o? Ask $im9 Ask that rotten son o& a bit!h i& you don$t beliee be liee me. im and that slut wi&e o& his."
"ou$re 7ust 7ealous be!ause you !an$t &ind anyone who will put up with you be!ause you$re a drunk9"
*6AP999
# 7umped as # heard the sharp sound o& skin hitting skin.
"(hat you sayin$ to me, you little bit!h9 uh? Talkin$ Talkin$ to your mother that tha t way? uh?"
*6AP999
"2et o&& me, woman9"
# dared to take a !ouple steps &orward, my eyes welling with unshed tears that # had to be so !are&ul that Beth not see. *he would be morti&ied i& she knew # had heard eerything, and had &elt any pity &or her.
"ou$re "ou$re worthless, Eli1abeth9 ou got that? 3otten and worthless9" worthless 9"
"Fu!k you, mother9" # 7umped again as the &ront door to the house was shoed open so hard that one o& the hinges protested 7ust be&ore it snapped &rom the wood. Beth &lew out at a 4ui!k walk about to break into an all out run when her head snapped in my dire!tion. # !ould see the wet trails that led &rom both pain'&illed eyes, as well as a wet trail that led &rom the !orner o& her mouth. The moonlight moonlight !aught in her eyes &or 7ust a moment as our eyes lo!ked, then she turned away &rom me, and started to walk at a brisk pa!e down the street.
# wasn$t sure what to do, but then # reasoned that she didn$t start to run as she had originally planned be!ause deep down she wanted me to &ollow. *he needed me to be there &or her right now as # had re&used to be earlier in the a&ternoon.
5y heart was pounding dangerously &ast as # 7ogged down the drieway past my dad$s old %odge, and out into the street. # !ould see Beth up ahead, her dark &igure illuminated illuminated eery &ew yards by the street lamps that lined the way. # !ould barely hear her sobs aboe my own thundering heartbeat. Beth turned down the narrow path that would lead toward the Toilet Bowl, !ompletely shrouded in darkness now. (e had traeled this path so many times that we both !ould hae done it with our eyes !losed. # &ollowed, in!reasing my speed so # !ould !at!h up to her in!ase she de!ided to du!k o&& into the trees.
"Beth?" # !alled out when # was only ten &eet behind her. *he didn$t answer, 7ust kept walking, her hand snapping a small bran!h &rom a tree she passed, and began to strip it o& its new leaes as she walked. "Beth? Please stop. Please."
# !losed the distan!e between us and grabbed her by the shoulder. *he turned !old eyes on me, her tears still silently &alling down her !heeks. *he said nothing.
"#$m so sorry. # heard all those terrible things she said to you." # !ouldn$t !ontrol my own oi!e that began to !hoke on my words, the pain and guilt &rom earlier mi0ing with the pain that # saw on my best &riend$s &a!e now. "#t$s not true, Beth. #t$s not." Tears began to tumble out &rom my eyes as 4ui!kly 4ui!kly as my words &ell &rom my mouth. "(hat she said to you. ou$re so beauti&ul, beauti&ul, so talented, and you$re loed, Beth. ou$re wanted. ou must know that? *he doesn$t know what she$s saying."
A guttural sob ripped &rom Beth$s throat, and she &ell into my arms. # held her to me, absorbing the sho!ks o& her 4uaking body. # &elt her knees gie, and she began to &all to the ground. # stayed with her, he r, neer losing !onta!t as we slowly slo wly hit the dirt path. er tears tea rs !ame !a me in earnest now, our sobs breaking the silen!e silen!e o& the hot, late spring spring night. # held her to me as i& letting letting her go meant letting letting a part o& mysel& go. # !ried &or her and &or me, reali1ing reali1ing that # had thrown her &ather in her &a!e earlier 7ust as her mother had done a &ew minutes be&ore.
"#$m sorry, Beth. # didn$t mean it. #$m sorry. # was being sel&ish." Beth took a deep breath as she tried to get hersel& under !ontrol. *he took in seeral more breaths, neer leaing my embra!e.
"#t$s okay, Em." she &inally said, her oi!e thi!k with emotion still needing to be shed. "#t$s not your &ault."
"es, it is. # should hae been there &or you today. ou were so e0!ited. #$m sorry." #n response she grabbed my arms that en!ir!led her side a little tighter.
(e sat on the path &or what must hae been !lose to an hour, both o& us lost in our separate memories o& what had 7ust happened. # &elt numb, impotent to do anything.
"6et$s go sit by the Bowl." Beth said, her oi!e startling the stillness o& the warm night.
As one we stood. # gae her one last tight s4uee1e be&ore # let go o& her. # looked at her &a!e, and gently ran my thumb oer the small trail o& blood that had seeped out o& the !orner o& her mouth. *ilently we walked toward the small pond.
#t was not lost on me that this was the &irst physi!al !onta!t between us sin!e -ew ear$s. # wondered i& she was thinking about abou t that, too. Probably not. Beth had too mu!h else on her mind to worry about than something that had happened &ie months ago. (e neer dis!ussed the signi&i!an!e o& that night: i& there was any. (e had let it go on by as i& it had neer happened, both !laiming to hae been too drunk to remember mu!h o& that night. But # remembered, no matter how mu!h # tried to &orget.
(e sat at the pond$s edge side by side, our hands in our lap &or &ear that they might wonder oer to the other$s body in some way.
"(hen do you leae?" # asked, my oi!e hushed as i& the ery night was listening.
"5id'une." *he turned to look at me. "#$m going to miss your birthday, Em. #$m sorry. #$ll leae about two weeks be&ore." # sighed deeply. Then smiled.
"# know. That is one o& the reasons # was upset when you told me." # looked into the water, bla!k as tar without the sun$s rays to make it glow. "Pretty bad, huh?"
"-o. # nearly said no be!ause o& that." 5y head shot up.
"(hat? Beth, no. ou need to do this. ou$re so good at a!ting, and this is only going to make you better9"
"But #$m always there &or your birthday. # know how mu!h it means to you, to me." she e0!laimed, pained eyes pleading with me.
"#$ll surie." # nudged her shoulder with mine. "Besides, we always hae yours in +!tober." *he smiled at me.
"(ill you write me?"
"+& !ourse # will. ou don$t need to ask that, Beth."
# walked to my home o&&i!e and plopped down into the !om&ortable high'ba!ked !hair behind the anti4ue desk that 3ebe!!a had gien me last )hristmas. )hristmas. # leaned my head ba!k and to the side so # !ould look out the window to my right. +ur neighbor, Alison Briggs was raking the leaes up between our two town houses. *he and her husband oward had lied here &or seen years, eer sin!e oward had retired &rom the Air For!e. They were ery ni!e to 3ebe!!a and #, but # always &elt that they were not !ompletely !om&ortable with our relationship, espe!ially oward. They were 7ust a &ew years older than my parents. 3ebe!!a thought # was being too sensitie.
# turned my attention ba!k to my o&&i!e. This room had been one o& the reasons why # had wanted this pla!e. 5y home o&&i!e was bigger than my o&&i!e at work. The top hal& o& the walls were painted white, the bottom hal& ri!h !herry wood paneling with the same &or the woodwork around the door, windows and !eiling. Booksheles were built into the walls on two sides, the wall behind my desk, and a!ross &rom it. # had the sheles &illed with eery type o& book &rom @.). Andrews, to *tephen King to -i!ole )onn to omer. Behind me were my pri1ed set o& leather'bound law books that had been gien to me my &irst year o& !ollege.
# looked at the !omputer be&ore me, it$s dark s!reen mirroring my image in its glossy &inish, the ibrant, random geometri! lines dan!ing in strange patterns.. (ith a sigh # moed the mouse slightly, slightly, the s!reen !oming !o ming to li&e. # logged onto on to the #nternet, and &ound &ou nd the phone dire!tory, dire!tory, dialed up the airlines. # was about to !li!k on 8nited when the phone rang. # grabbed the !ordless !ordless that # had brought in with me and !li!ked it on.
"ello?" # said into the handset that # had balan!ed on my shoulder as # !ontinued to gauge pri!es.
"Emmy, honey?"
"i, mom. (hat$s up?" 5y mother sighed on the other end o& the line. # !losed my eyes as # steadied mysel& &or what # knew would &ollow.
"ou heard about your &riend, Beth, honey?"
"es. Billy !alled me at work yesterday and told me."
"e shouldn$t hae done that9 )all you at work to tell you su!h terrible news. (hat was he thinking?" # was surprised at how emotional my mother sounded. # de!ided to go easy on her.
"#t was okay, 5om. # was 7ust glad he told me as soon as he did." # le&t 8nited and !li!ked on Ameri!an.
"*o you$re !oming home?" she asked, her oi!e 4uiet, yet &illed with hope.
"es. 3ebe!!a and # are going." # took out a legal pad and a pen and began to 7ot down the pri!es o& ti!kets to %#A in %ener.
"+h, #$m so glad, honey. # wasn$t sure i& 3ebe!!a would be able to get the time o&&, or not. That is so wonder&ul o& her to do that, don$t you think? *he$s su!h a ni!e girl." # !ould hear the smile in my mom$s oi!e. *he and 3ebe!!a got along 7ust like old &riends, mu!h to my initial relie&.
"(ell, mom, what did you e0pe!t? *he is my partner, and it would be no di&&erent than i& dad were to take some time o&&."
"The di&&eren!e, honey, is that your &ather would not hae bothered." (e both !hu!kled at the truth in that statement.
"+kay, mom. *o get to the point. (hat$s up?" # asked, beginning to get impatient. 5y mother was not one to !all 7ust to !hat. *he usually had a purpose.
"(ell, honey. #, # 7ust wanted to say that # am so sorry. # know how mu!h Beth meant to you.... at one time. # think that maybe your &ather and # oer rea!ted a bit when you two were girls. 5aybe we weren$t being &air. ou ou know last year ye ar she !ame ba!k here, and she a!tually had lun!h with me one day? # made her peanut'butter and 7elly with the thin sli!ed bread'"
")ut in hal& diagonally?" # asked, not able to keep the grin o&& my &a!e.
"+& !ourse9 ust what kind o& hostess do you think # am, anyway?" # !hu!kled.
"(hy on earth did you make her PB?"
"Thai$s what she asked &or." my mother said simply. # dropped my pen and rested my elbow on the arm o& my !hair, !hair, !oered my eyes with my &ingers. &ingers. # sighed heaily. heaily. "Are you okay, okay, Emmy?" my mother asked, her oi!e 7ust aboe a whisper.
"eah, yes. #$m okay. ou know she !ame up here right a&ter she had le&t Pueblo. *he told me she saw 5oni!a, but neer mentioned you."
"*he probably didn$t want to upset you, sweetie."
"# had no idea, 5om. -one. # had no idea that she was si!k. %id she tell you she was?"
"es."
"(hat9" # sat up in my !hair, my hand &lying &rom my eyes. "(hy didn$t you tell me?"
"(ould it hae mattered, Emily?" # sighed again. # looked out the window. Alison had moed to her small &ront yard, her thin 7a!ket blowing away &rom her bent oer body by the in!reasing gusts o& wind as she pulled some stray weeds.
"-o. And to be een more honest, #$ll neer &orgie &orgie mysel&. # wasted my last !han!e, 5om. +n!e again # wasted my !han!e. *he needed me, and # !ouldn$t be there. # slunk away &rom her. Again." 5y oi!e began to 4uier as the emotions sailed to the sur&a!e.
" (hat do you mean, Emmy? Again?" my mother asked, her oi!e !on&used.
"-othing. 6ook, #$d better go. # was 7ust about to order our plane ti!kets o&& the net when you !alled."
"ou know, that must be so handy haing a se!ond phone line &or the #nternet. # keep trying to get your &ather to get a se!ond line here."
"(hat, so your *olitaire game won$t be interrupted?" # grinned.
"ey, don$t kno!k it, kiddo. # am the neighborhood !hampion, you know." # !hu!kled.
" *o what time? (hen?" # asked, turning serious again.
"(hat? The &uneral? &uneral? 8h, hang on. # hae it right here." Fran!is Thomas Thomas paused &or a moment. # !ould hear the shu&&ling o& newspaper in the ba!kground. "+kay, here we go. #t is 5onday a&ternoon. The seri!e is at the graeside. 8h, it starts at three."
"(here?" # held my breath.
"Pioneer )emetery." # !losed my eyes again.
"+kay. Talk to you later, 5om." # !li!ked the o&& button, and set the phone down on the desk harder than # intended to.
"# thought my great'grandmother$s &uneral went really good. # didn$t really know her, though. *o where do you think you$d want to be buried?" # asked Beth as # !limbed up onto the top o& the monkey bars. *he dug the toes o& her tennis shoes into the grael at her &eet as she twisted twisted the swing &irst to her le&t, then to her right, the heay !hain twisted like a rope in &ront o& her nose..
"Pioneer. #t$s the oldest !emetery in Pueblo."
"3eally?"
"up. But # am no way gonna be buried here. -o way9" she e0!laimed as she let go o& the !hain, her swing sharply twisting to the le&t, then smoothly to the right be&ore stilling in the middle again. *he grinned. "ae you eer been there?"
"-ope." # said as # hooked the ba!k o& my knees onto the bar #$d been sitting on, and let mysel& &all through the opening between the bars. 5y hair &anned out under me, my arms rea!hing &or the ground that seemed 7ust out o& rea!h.
"(e should go there." Beth said, her oi!e wist&ul.
"(hy? 8gh9" # e0!laimed as # pulled mysel& ba!k up with my stoma!h mus!les.
"Be!ause. #t$s pea!e&ul. #t$s beauti&ul, and &ull o& history."
"m." # said thought&ully. (ith a shrug # said, "+kay. (e$ll go there someday."
The midday Friday tra&&i! was grading on my neres. (ith an e0asperated groan # swung my Taurus o&& the main road, and de!ided to take the ba!k route. This !ity ama1ed me. -o matter
what time o& day or night, the highways were so oerloaded with tra&&i! that road rage neer surprised me, and in &a!t # !ould relate.
# knew that Friday$s at this hour 3ebe!!a had a !hemistry !lass, !lass, and they would be doing a lab. 3ebe!!a should be able to talk &or a !ouple o& minutes i& # stopped on my way to (al'5art.
5y !onersation with my mother a !ouple hours be&ore was playing through my mind, again twisting my neres into knots. # !ould not beliee Beth had told my mother about her si!kness, but not me. There was a time when # would hae been the &irst person she went to. The &irst to know, the &irst to !om&ort. *adly, # reali1ed, that time had !ome and gone many years ago. Then my thoughts went ba!k to that day in the park. %id she !all me there to tell her? ad my apathy toward the entire situation made her hold her tongue? These were 4uestions # would neer know the answers to.
(ith a sigh # grabbed a )% &rom the portable !arrier, and slipped it into the !ar$s player. #mmediately my neres settled as the soothing tones o& *arah Brightman !oa0ed my mood to rela0. # began to sing along with the angeli! oi!e as she sang $All # Ask$, a duet with )li&& 3i!hards. The tune &rom Phantom o& the +pera &illed the !on&ines o& the !ar as # !ranked the olume, losing mysel&, and &orgetting about Beth &or the &irst time in two days.
"ow the hell !an you listen to that opera !rap?" # had asked, my brows drawn, hands on my hips as # wat!hed Beth, her eyes !losed, brows raising and &alling with ea!h !limati! !hord o& 6a Triiata. Triiata. *he let out a long, slow breath as the aria !ame to an end and hit stop on her !assette player. *he turned to me with a raised brow.
"ae you eer listened to it?"
"-o."
")ome here." she pushed play as she grabbed my hand to stop me &rom running out o& her room. The man$s tenor &illed the small, dark room, and my ears.
"This su!ks,"
"-o, Em. %on$t you hear it?"
"eah, "eah, and it su!ks9" # tried to pull away, but she kept me in an iron grip.
"-o, don$t 7ust hear it, Em. 3eally &eel it. 6et it enter you, and &ill you up inside." she turned to &a!e me. ")lose your eyes." # 7ust stared at her like she was !ra1y, my arms !rossed oer my !hest. "Please? For me? %o this, and i& you don$t like it, you neer hae to hear it again. +kay?"
"Fine." # !losed my eyes with a heay sigh.
"-ow, listen to what he$s saying." Beth said !lose to my ear, her oi!e so&t and wist&ul.
"# don$t know what he$s saying. e$s singing in #talian."
"ou don$t hae to understand the words, Em. ust understand the musi! and the emotion behind it."
*till determined that she had lost her mind, but # listened anyway, and suddenly # knew what Beth was talking about. # &elt a !hill !h ill run down do wn my spine, and my !hest literally e0panded with emotion, as i& # had 7ust taken a deep breath een though # !ouldn$t breath at all. As his oi!e rose in his anguish, so did my eyebrows, and my heart rate. # &elt his sorrow, his loss. Be&ore # !ould do anything to stop it, # &elt twin tears slip out o& my eyes, la1ily sliding down my !heeks to be &ollowed &ollowed by two others. # !ouldn$t stop. The musi! rose to a hypnoti! hypnoti! pit!h, his oi!e leading leading the way up the hill, only to &all down the other side, slowly &ading away until all # heard was the ringing in my own ears.
5y eyes slowly opened to see Beth staring at me intently, waiting &or my rea!tion. # !ould not speak as # &elt my nose wrinkle and my eyes s4uee1e shut as more tears !ame in an all out sob. Beth smiled understanding, and gathered me into her arms.
"#t$s okay, Em. Pretty power&ul stu&&, huh?" # nodded as # !ontinued to hi!!up against her !hest. "#t got me the &irst time, too. *till does sometimes."
"#t$s ama1ing. Better then therapy." # &inally managed. # !ould &eel her !hu!kle ibrate against the side o& my head. # pulled into the isitor$s parking lot o& 3ebe!!a$s s!hool and turned eerything o&&, glan!ed up at the large red bri!k building that was Boine igh. # made my way toward the &ront doors o& the massie high s!hool, my hands buried in the deep po!kets o& my !oat, my head bent against the brisk wind.
"ow are you doing, Frank?" # asked the se!urity guard who held his post at the double &ront doors.
"ow goes it, Emily? )old one today, tod ay, eh?"
"ou know it." # smiled at the older man, and entered the building. The halls were mostly deserted as the se!ond to the last !lass o& the day was hal& into it. # !ould hear the !li!k !la!k o& someone$s high heels in an unseen hallway to my le&t. # remoed my bulky 6ondon Fog and !arried it in my arms as # headed toward the third &loor where my loer$s !lassroom was.
"5s. Kelly? # need your help oer here. This isn$t turning out right." +ne o& the students was saying as # walked through the open doorway o& 3ebe!!a$s room.
"+kay, Brian. ang on a minute." # spotted the woman with the dark red hair that # loed to run my hands through, it$s thi!k, silky strands running through my &ingers. *he looked stunning in her green mid'!ale mid'!ale skirt that hugged her hips 7ust so and !reamy silk blouse. *he had remoed the mat!hing green 7a!ket at some point in the day. *he was bent oer looking into a mi!ros!ope, her ery shapely legs ran smoothly out &rom underneath the &abri! o& the skirt, and slid easily into !ream !olored heels, the strong !al& mus!les de&ined and deli!ious.
# leaned against the door&rame with my arms !rossed oer my !hest and stared in appre!iation. # was so proud o& 3ebe!!a. (hen we had met nearly si0 years ago she had h ad been a teller at a bank during the day, and was taking !lasses at night to earn her tea!hing degree. # had not only &allen in loe with the woman, but also her drie, and her dedi!ation to anything she did. *he was breathtaking in eery way.
(hen as a young woman her mother had emigrated &rom #reland to the 8nited *tates, she had met 3ebe!!a$s &ather shortly a&ter, and had be!ome pregnant. 3ebe!!a$s mother, *hannon was soon a&ter abandoned by him, leaing *hannon to gie birth to her daughter alone, and eentually raise her alone. *hannon neer married, wanting to gie all her time and energy to her only !hild. 3ebe!!a and her mother had been ery !lose, and she had been deastated when her mother had died three years yea rs earlier.
"5s. Kelly, someone is here." # straightened when # heard my presen!e being announ!ed by some nasal sounding girl. 3ebe!!a looked oer her shoulder and smiled.
"#$ll be right ba!k, )arrie." she said with a light pat on the arm to the student that she had been helping. helping. *he walked oer to me. er sensual eyes that were either blue or green, or sometimes sometimes both, depending on what she was wearing, were a deep emerald green to mat!h the suit she wore. *he wore no make'up, the pea!hes and !ream !rea m !omple0ion o& a true red head, seemed see med to glow.
"ey, you." she said, her oi!e low and sultry, &or my ears only, bringing ba!k memories &rom that morning. "This is a surprise." # grinned sheepishly, &eeling !onspi!uous with thirty'&ie pairs o& eyes staring at us.
"# got our ti!kets today. Ameri!an, 7ust under nine hundred, round'trip."
"-ot too bad." she said. "6a 2uardia?" # nodded.
"5y mother !alled today toda y, too. The &uneral is 5onday at a t three."
"(hen is our &light?" &light?" she asked as she sub!ons!iously sub!ons!iously tu!ked a restless wisp o& my hair behind my ear.
"Tomorrow at si0'&i&teen in the morning. # &igured that by time we got there, it$ll be early enough that # !an do any isiting and get it out o& the way. wa y.DD 3ebe!!a looked at me strange. (hat?D
oney, you haen$t been ba!k to )olorado in years, and yet you &eel that it$s a burden to see them?D # stared at her !ompletely !ompletely obliious as to why she might be surprised. surprised. *he !ould see my !on&usion, and led me a little &urther out into the hall. Emily, do you know what # would gie i& # !ould 7ust hop on a plane, and go see my mother?D # sighed and glan!ed down at my &idgeting hands &or a moment be&ore # &elt my !hin being nudged up. # met her ga1e. ou take your &amily &or granted. And your &riends.D &riends.D # stared, stared, in!redulous. in!redulous. er &eatures so&tened, and she brie&ly took my hand, s4uee1ing my &ingers. *o how are?D
#$m okay.D # said 4uietly, her words boun!ing around in my mind. #$ll get through this #t$s 7ust kind o& a sho!k, you know?D
5s. Kelly, is this stu&& supposed to smoke?D one o& the students asked &rom the bla!k s!ien!e tables, as he stared down at a Bunsen Burner.
+h, boy.D *he said with a look o& apology in her eyes. # better get ba!k in there. (here are you o&& to now?D
(al'5art. # need to pi!k us up some o& those little trael doodads. %o you need anything?D 3ebe!!a shook her head and moed in !lose to me and whispered in my ear.
ust you.D *he gae me a kiss on the ne!k. #$ll be a little late. %r. 6andis wants me to stop by his o&&i!e when # get out o& s!hool.D s!hoo l.D
(hy? #s eerything okay?D # asked, my brows drawn with !on!ern.
Fine. #$m not real sure what he wants. #$ll tell you all about it tonight.D And with a so&t smile to ease my worry, she walked ba!k into her !lass. # wat!hed her &or a moment, not able to take my eyes o&& o& the way her butt moed under the skirt, the sway o& her hips.
(ho was that woman?D # heard that same nasal oi!ed girl ask as # headed ba!k down the hall. # grinned.
As usual, # had to park !lear out in the Antar!ti! in the (al'5art parking lot. *am (alton sure knew what he was doing when he opened the !hain. The bitter !old tried tried to sneak in around my !oat, biting at the e0posed skin o& my ne!k and up my sleees to my arms. # was shiering by time # rea!hed the double doors o& the store. # nodded to the old man who stood at the door handing out !arts and smiling at people, and headed toward toward ealth and Beauty Aids Aids to get what we needed.
-o9 Beth, #, oomph.D # su!ked in my breath as the giant teddy bear &lew into my stoma!h. ou$re going to pay &or that9D # pi!ked up a preiously thrown -er& &ootball, pulled my arm ba!k to laun!h, when the ball was taken out ou t o& my hand &rom behind. # turned to see a man standing oer o er me, his brows drawn, and an e0tremely not'happy look on his &a!e.
ou two need to leae.D e hissed. # looked ba!k to Beth who was trying to not break out in hysteri!al laughter, then # looked around me at the isle that was &illed with stu&&ed animals, balls, and a rubber pool toy that littered the &loor around our &eet so thi!k, the white tile !ould barely be seen. # turned ba!k to the disgruntled employee, and gae him my best, most inno!ent smile only to hae him li&t his arm, and point toward the dire!tion o& the &ront door. Beth and # ran out o& the store &ollowed by our giggles.
# !hu!kled as # loaded my !art with mini bottles o& shampoo, and trael !ases &or soap and tooth brushes.
%arla -ewman had inited me oer &or a moie night while her parents were out, but # re&used to go unless Beth !ould go, too. Finally %arla had agreed.
-o. don$t make me, Em. Please?D Beth pleaded as she lay on my bed on her stoma!h, my trusty teddy, 3u&&les in her arms. *he wat!hed as # sat on the &loor in &ront o& my &ull'length mirror, brushing my hair. h air.
Beth, you leae in what, like &our days? # want to spend as mu!h time with you as # !an.D # said, sti!king a barrette in my mouth as # pulled one side o& my hair ba!k with my hands.
But does that hae to mean at %arla$s house?D she groaned as she buried her &a!e in 3u&&les thi!k, brown &ur. That !hi!k is strange, and she does not like me.D *he rolled oer onto her ba!k,
pulling the bear with her, and stared up at the !eiling, !onne!ting the little dots o& insulation thingama7igs with her &inger. # glan!ed at her through the mirror.
)ome on, Beth. *he$s not that bad. #t$ll be &un.D
eah, eah, so was Aus!hwit1.D *he mumbled.
# ignored her !omment, and tu!ked my pink polo shirt into my shorts and li&ted the !ollar so it &ramed my ne!k, and the ery bottom o& my !hin. Beth looked at me through narrowed eyes, and turned ba!k to her stoma!h.
ou$e neer wore you shirt like that be&ore. # don$t think #$e eer een seen you in a shirt like that be&ore.D *he sat up.
#t$s %arla$s. %o you like it?D # asked, standing, and turning around to &a!e her, my arms out to the sides, palms up in e0pe!tation.
)an do without the pink.D
# knew you$d say that.D # muttered as # turned ba!k to the mirror, putting the last !ouple o& tou!hes to my bangs that were &eathered ba!k, adding a &inal sprits o& A4ua -et.
Then why did you ask?D Beth grabbed 3u&&les and hugged him again, looking at my re&le!tion !riti!ally.
# don$t know. 5aybe # thought &or on!e #$d get a straight answer out o& you, or something.D # added some light pink bubble gum lip gloss, sma!king my lips together.
ou ou smell like a gumball ma!hine.D ma!hine.D *he said, wrinkling her nose. Em, you look so mu!h better when you go 7ust as yoursel&, y oursel&, without all that !rap.D # turned to look at her, my hands on my hips. # !ould &eel the attitude that # dawned like a !loak when around %arla -ewman, slide into pla!e.
(ell, # really don$t !are what you think, Beth. # happen to like all that !rap. #s that okay with you?D she looked at me &or a moment, surprised washed brie&ly oer her &a!e be&ore she be!ame e0pressionless again.
*in!e when.D *he muttered as she tossed 3u&&les aside, and stood &rom the bed. Fine. *o, are you done? #& # hae to do this, # want to get it oer with as soon as possible.D # wat!hed as she walked out o& the bedroom, stunned.
Emily9 Emily9 i9D %arla e0!laimed e0!laimed when she opened the &ront door to her house. *he looked as i& she was not e0pe!ting !ompany, and was beyond thrilled at the surprise. # was slightly annoyed at how &ake she !ould be sometimes.. # looked oer at Beth in time to see her roll her eyes. # see you brought your little &riend.D *he turned to Beth, a smile plastered to her &a!e. Beth, isn$t it?D
up. *in!e the day # was born.D # glared at her. %arla looked down to take in Beth$s &aded blue 7eans that were getting thin in the knees, and her s!u&&ed !owboy !owb oy boots boo ts that were planted p lanted wide, as i& she were waiting &or a &ight. %ark eyes traeled ba!k up to see the tight, bla!k tank Beth wore that showed sho wed her tanned, tanned , mus!led arms !rossed oer her !hest. *he brie&ly took in the worn Bron!os !ap, and &inally stopped at annoyed, ibrant blue eyes that met her ga1e with a raised brow in a silent !hallenge. %arla$s &o!us immediately turned ba!k to me.
)ome on in. urry be&ore we let any &lying or !rawly things in.D she turned away &rom us, and disappeared into the dark house.
%oes that !ount the residen!e?D Beth muttered as she &ollowed. # sti&led a grin.
The -ewman house was one o& the biggest in the neighborhood, and looked out o& pla!e ne0t to all the smaller, smaller, two and three bedroom homes that surrounded surrounded it. %arla had happily happily told me one day that her house had appro0imately si0 and one hal& bedrooms, and three bathrooms. +h, &our i& you !ount the little hal& bath %addy put in last year.D
The -ewman$s were a pretentious, pompous group o& people who had lots o& money, and een more arrogan!e. # o&ten wondered why # hung out with her at all. Beth asked me that 4uestion o&ten. 5a parents seemed to approe, and # knew that through %arla # would get to know the right
people on!e we hit high s!hool. The right group would be help&ul in getting into important !lubs that looked good &or !ollege. # had already de!ided that the ne0t &our years would be dedi!ated to getting the best grades, and getting the best s!holarships # !ould. Being a lawyer was an obsession. Besides, it looked better.
Em, who gies a damn what your &olks thing o& %arla? *he is a little ri!h bit!h.D Beth had said one night, her ibrant blue eyes &ire. ou hae got to learn that what other people think is not that important. (hat do they know, anyway? *ometimes # don$t think #$m heading where you$re heading.D That had made me hear hurt, mostly be!ause # knew Beth spoke the truth.
"*o do you guys want anything to drink? Eat? )andy? #!e !ream? )ho!olate?" (e &ollowed the sound o& %arla$s oi!e and ended up in the kit!hen where the only sour!e o& light was that !oming out o& the open &ridge.
"#$ll take a !ols." # said brightly &inding one o& the barstools, and plopping down. Beth looked at me as i& she wasn$t 4uite sure what to do. # indi!ated that she should sit on the stool ne0t to mine.
"# don$t want'"
"*o, Emily9 2uess what9" %arla ran right oer Beth, not een !he!king her rear'iew mirror to see i& she was still alie. # looked at Beth with surprise !learly eident in my green eyes. *he was looking down at the &loor, a hand on her hip as she lightly !hu!kled to hersel&. # didn$t know what to do, or i& # should.
"8h, what?" # stammered. 5y blood began to burn as # &elt an automati! need to prote!t Beth &rom %arla$s harsh 7udgments, but la!ked the !ourage to do anything.
%arla walked oer to the break&ast bar in &ront o& us, leaning down on the !ounter top with her elbows.
"3emember "3emember that guy? *!ott 5athews?" # nodded as # opened the top o& the )oke she had set in &ront o& me. "ou know, the guy with the really !ute butt?" again # nodded. "(ell, the other day me and 6aura and *andra and 5ary were at the mall, and oh my god9 There he was9 e looked so !ute in his shorts and shirt. +h, # !ould hae 7ust died9" # !ould hear Beth groan ne0t to me, 7ust
barely audible, audible, but # pi!ked up on it. # tapped her leg with the toe o& my Ked under the bar when she plopped down on the stool ne0t to mine. "(ell, he walks oer to us, and he has *pen!er 5ilton, 5ilton, and Brett Kylor Kylor with him. *o it was like, oh my god9 The three most popular, popular, ri!h guys in our s!hool, right?" -od. "+kay, so they walk up to us, and *!ott says hello to me9" %arla s!reamed and !lapped her hands. "#sn$t that great?" # smiled, trying to show my support.
"That is so !ool, %arla." # said happily. # ignored Beth as # &elt her eyes on me.
"%on$t you think that he is 7ust like soooo !ute?" she e0!laimed, eyeing me e0pe!tantly, her dark blond brows raised to near her hairline in anti!ipation.
"8m, oh yeah. yeah . *!ott 5athews is so totally !ute, %arla. ou are so lu!ky lu!k y."
"Em, you said you thought'" Beth began to say. # 4ui!kly turned to her and !ut her o&&.
"Beth, do you want a drink o& my )oke?" she looked at me strangely.
"-o." # gae her a look that told her to shut her mouth. *he shook her head slightly, her eyes taking on a dull sheen, but said no more about it. %arla walked ba!k oer to the &ridge, and began to pull out di&&erent di&&erent kinds o& meats and !heeses, throwing them on the !ounter behind her. her. Then she headed &or a !abinet aboe the mi!rowae, throwing bo0es &illed with di&&erent typed o& !ra!kers ne0t to the meat and !heese, rambling the entire time about s!hool, boys, hair, make'up, and !lothes. Beth tossed her !ap onto the bar in &ront o& us, and ran her hands through dark hair. # !ould tell she was being pushed &ar beyond her limits, and the only reason she hadn$t throttled throttled %arla -ewman was be!ause o& me. Finally with a sigh, she put her !ap ba!k on, and rested against her &orearms on the bar, starting down at her &ingers.
"+h my god, you hae got to see this9" this9" %arla e0!laimed as she turned ba!k to us, nearly s!aring the be7esus out o& me. er brown eyes were wide with e0!itement, and she hurried out o& the room, hal&'made sna!ks &orgotten on the !ounter.
*he led the way toward the ery spa!ious &amily room . # had been in %arla$s house be&ore, but # wat!hed Beth as she looked around, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide. # !ould tell she was
trying to hide her rea!tion to all the beauti&ul things the -ewman$s had, but she wasn$t doing a ery good 7ob o& it.
The white !arpet was thi!k, like walking on a !loud. The &i&ty in!h t.. was in an oak !abinet against the &ar wall. +n either side were sheles lined with hundreds o& di&&erent &igurines, and strange kni!kkna!ks. %arla looked oer her shoulder at Beth who had a strange e0pression on her &a!e as she ga1ed at all the &igures.
"%addy is sent to other !ountries &or his 7ob, and so he always buys some stupid little statue &or my mom. *he !olle!ts them, or something. *o # wouldn$t be!ome too atta!hed to them i& # were you." *he looked at me, and winked. Then she broke out into a wide grin. "#$m 7ust kidding.. kidding.. *it." she said pointing toward the !om&ortable looking !ou!h that was !oered with a pastel green pattern with bits o& blue and gray mi0ed in. # did as # was told. Beth walked oer to the Eli1abethan wingba!k that was upholstered in gray with the same !olors o& green and blue o& the !ou!h. # looked at her with a 4uestion in my eyes. (hy wouldn$t she sit with me? Beth wouldn$t look at me. # !ould tell she was angry at me &or dragging her here, and was 7ust biding her time be&ore she !ould es!ape. # knew %arla had aimed that !omment about the &igurines at Beth, and # knew Beth was smart. *he didn$t miss a beat. But didn$t she understand that %arla was shallow, and simple? ad to belittle others to &eel better hersel&? (hy !ouldn$t Beth 7ust &it in like eerybody else? # wanted all my &riends to get along.
"This is my &ather$s newest toy. #t$s !alled a @)3. # don$t know what that stands &or, though." *he grinned sheepishly shee pishly..
"@ideo "@ideo !assette re!order." re!order." Beth said dully as she looked at the internationa internationall &igurines again, her !hin resting in her hand.
"eah9 That$s right." %arla e0!laimed. "#$ll hae to remember that. Anyway, we got $+rdinary People$ with that really, really !ute guy, Timothy utton. And my mom made me get that boring moie, $Kramer s. Kramer$. But it had %ustin o&&man in it, and he$s kinda !ute."
"That$s a great moie9" Beth e0!laimed, sitting up a little more in her !hair. "That has 5eryl *treep in it. *he is one o& the greatest a!tresses to eer walk a!ross the s!reen."
"(hateer. "(hateer."" %arla said dryly. dryly. *he took one o& the ideos out o& its bo0, and slid it into the large, siler ma!hine. The t.. !li!ked on with a stati! &illed whoosh, and the moie began.
Beth was trans&i0ed trans&i0ed by the images she saw on the s!reen o& the teleision teleision that was bigger than any her mom or my parents had eer owned. %arla sat on the !ou!h ne0t to me, and talked in!essantly about boys, and hair, and !lothes, and make'up, and 7ewelry, and *!ott 5athews. +n and on until # &inally &ound mysel& on autopilot, nodding my head and saying "8h huh" now and then, until &inally she said something that !aught my attention !old.
"*o why do you hang out with her, Emily? *he is a &reak." 5y head snapped around &rom wat!hing %ustin o&&man &ighting with his little boy oer eating i!e !ream instead o& dinner. dinner.
"(hat?"
"ou heard me. Beth is a total &reak, and will bring you down. ou must know that?" # 4ui!kly turned to look at Beth to see i& she had heard any o& this. "%on$t worry about her. *he$s so wrapped in that stupid moie that # doubt a tornado !ould bother her."
"Please don$t talk about Beth that way, %arla. *he is my best &riend." # said weakly. # didn$t know what to do. Beth was indeed my best be st &riend, and # didn$t didn$ t want her to get hurt, but %arla was the only other &riend # had around the neighborhood, and with Beth gone &or the rest o& the summer, # didn$t want to be le&t alone.
"Emily, that is the problem9 People talk about her at s!hool all the time. And," she leaned in, almost !onspiratorially, "They$re starting to talk about you, too."
"%arla," # stopped as # turned toward Beth who had stood &rom her !hair. *he looked at us, her &a!e e0pressionless, but her eyes were burning.
"Been a hoot, # better get going. 6ater." *he walked toward the &ront door, &ists !len!hing and un!len!hing at her sides. *he neer looked at either o& us.
"Beth9" # !alled out as # ra!ed a&ter her. # !ould &eel my heart sink.
"Emily9" %arla !alled out a&ter me. # ignored her. Beth was 7ust about to des!end the steps o& the por!h when # !aught up to her.
"(ait, Beth please don$t go." # said, breathless. *he turned on me, she was &urious. *he took a step &orward until her &a!e was mere in!hes &rom mine.
"# am not going to stay here, Em. That little ri!h bit!h may hae you wrapped around her little &inger, &inger, but # know her game. #$e known !onniing !onniing little debutantes all my li&e, and why you$d put yoursel& in the path o& one on purpose is beyond me." *he turned and began to walk again, her &oot on the &irst step.
"#$m sorry, Beth." # threw my arms up into the air, at a loss o& what to do anymore. Beth kept going. *he hit the se!ond step, her boot about to tou!h the path that would lead to the sidewalk and Beth$s salation. # wat!hed her, &eeling my anger build. "2od, # &eel like # am always saying that to you, saying that # am sorry9" *he stopped and looked up at me, her &a!e had resigned, her eyes sad.
"5aybe that$s be!ause you keep s!rewing up." # stared, dumbstru!k. "Em, # am used to people looking down on me, laughing at me. # hae a mother who is a drunk and !ouldn$t keep her husband. # am di&&erent. #$m not like all the other girls. And all that is &ine. # don$t !are about them. But you, Em. ou$re my best &riend. Aren$t you supposed to stand up &or me like # stand up &or you?" she turned &rom me again only to turn ba!k. "And one more thing, Em. # got news &or you, no matter how mu!h you try to be like the %arla -ewman$s o& the world, you$re di&&erent, too. *ome day you 7ust might reali1e that." # wat!hed, paraly1ed, as Beth walked to the end o& the path, and out onto the sidewalk to head home. # turned ba!k to %arla$s house, staring up at its massie stru!ture, so torn. 5y eyes were drawn to the silhouette that was !oming to the door.
"(hy did she leae?" # stared at my &riend, something in me telling me that she had been standing there the entire time, and knew e0a!tly what was going on.
"6ook, %arla. #$m not &eeling too good. #$m gonna go home." *he didn$t say anything &or a moment, then shrugged her shoulders.
"+kay. *ee you later." later." # heard the heay &ront door slam shut sh ut as # headed &or the path.
As # walked home # thought o& what had 7ust happened. (hen had Beth and # grown so &ar apart? #t seemed to me on that hot summer night that that one day we had met, been so mu!h alike that my parents used to tease us and say that they !ould take home Beth one day, and no one would eer know it wasn$t me. Then the ne0t day # woke up, and we are two !ompletely di&&erent people with two !ompletely di&&erent goals in li&e, and ways. #t wasn$t &air. &air.
# pi!ked a ripe apple o&& o& the -iens$ tree as # passed it, taking a large bite o& the sweet, ripe &ruit. # glan!ed oer at my house a!ross the street, and de!ided to keep walking, not ready to go home yet.
# knew 7ust on a gut leel that on!e we started high s!hool me and Beth would be no more. *he would go her way, way, and # would go mine. All the same, Beth *ayers was a part o& me: a part o& my heart, and soul, and # hoped always would be. # thought about the &uture. (hat would it bring? (ould # end up some big lawyer in some big !ity as # hoped # would? (here would Beth be? # plopped down on the !urb in &ront o& the 5!Kin1ey house, and at my apple as # thought o& one time when we$d been about eleen or twele. (e had promised with a pinky swear that we would buy houses on the same blo!k, maybe een ne0t door, and always go oer ea!h other$s pla!e and hae lun!h, and wat!h moies together. # smiled rue&ully as # !hewed. That had sure gone out the window. Een at a &ew weeks away &rom &i&teen, # knew that was no longer to be. %id # hae to !hose between Beth and my new li&e? 5y new &riends? # know Beth had been hurt by %arla, and my non'a!tion. *he had eery right to be. But did she hae a right to pla!e me in a situation where # had to !hose? # didn$t know. # stood &rom the !urb, threw the apple !ore into the 5!Kin1ey trash barrel, and walked on.
(al'5art was busy as usual. (as this pla!e eer empty? # pushed my buggy strategi!ally around slow, and in!onsiderate shoppers who &elt the need to park their !art in the middle o& the isle, and talk. # barely managed to miss being hit by an old woman who was staring down the isles she passed instead o& where she was going. Finally &inding the BA department, # du!ked down an isle !ontaining mouth wash and toothpaste. *o many brands to !hose &rom. # smiled as # thought about Beth. *he had some o& the most straight, white teeth #$d eer seen. *he had been one o& those lu!ky people who neer had to see the inside o& an orthodontists lair. 6u!ky kid. # &ound a small, trael'si1e bottle o& *!ope, and tossed it into my buggy. As # &ound the rest o& our trael toiletries, # wondered i& maybe # was giing my past too mu!h thought. # remember my &ather on!e saying, let the past lie with the dead. # thought perhaps he was right when # saw two little girls who looked to be around eight or nine, walking arm in arm. +ne +n e little girl had h ad bright red hair, and sparkling green eyes. er &riend$s bla!k hair was woen into tight braids with brightly !olored barrettes at the ends. er !ho!olate !omple0ion was bright with youth, her dark eyes laughing as they giggled together. # stood &or a moment and wat!hed them. The per&e!t !ombination: one
dark, one light to balan!e ea!h other. Beth and # were the same. 5y light side met her darker personality, and together we had been like yin and yang. +ne began where the other ended, !reating the per&e!t !ir!le.
# wondered around my house restlessly restlessly &or &our days, not sure what to do. # knew somehow that Beth did not want to see me, so # wasn$t going to &or!e yet another apology on her i& she didn$t want it. 5y mother mo ther kept kep t glan!ing at me with an odd e0pression on her &a!e. *he wanted to ask, a sk, but something held her ba!k. *he grate&ully a!!epted my e0tra help around the house, but &inally the day be&ore Beth was to leae &or !amp she pla!ed her hand oer mine, stopping me in the middle o& &olding a pair o& so!ks. # looked into her !on!erned eyes.
"oney, Beth is going to be leaing tomorrow, right?" # nodded. "(hy don$t you 7ust go and talk to her?" # shrugged, on!e again ama1ed at how per!eptie my mother !ould be.
"# !an$t." # said simply. *he shook her head sadly, and !ontinued to &old laundry. # knew deep down that # was wrong this time, and part o& my resistan!e was my own !ourage, or la!k o& it. The plain and simple o& it was, # didn$t know what to say.
#t was a hot night as une was hal& oer. #t was turning out to be a re!ord'breaking re!ord'breaking summer with temperatures in the upper nineties to the one hundred mark eery day. # was miserable.
5y parents had bought Billy and # a huge trampoline a !ouple o& summers ago, and # laid on it as # stared up at the stars. 5y parents were asleep. 8sually Billy would hae 7oined me, but he was gone. # missed him terribly. At the beginning o& the month he had le&t &or the Army, sent somewhere in the south &or boot !amp. # sighed heaily as # thought o& beginning s!hool !ome the &all. igh s!hool. The idea s!ared me, as well as e0!ited me. # wanted to make my grades eerything to me. # didn$t !are about anything else, as long as # !ould get a good s!holarship, and go on to law s!hool. s!ho ol. Eerything else was 7ust &lu&&.
5y thoughts turned to Beth, again. (hat would she do on!e she hit high s!hool? *he hated s!hool. # &igured she would probably pursue the theater. # smiled to mysel& as # thought ba!k to the produ!tion o& Andrew 6loyd (ebber$s (ebber$s $oseph and the Ama1ing Te!hni!ol Te!hni!olor or %ream!oat$ %ream!oat$ that had been put on as the summer musi!al last year. *he had played 5rs. Potiphar, not a big part, but she had been wonder&ul. # had stared up at her on that stage with so mu!h pride. *he was so good at what she did. # honestly thought that theater had been the only thing that kept Beth here. *he had nothing else, no !onne!tions'
"(hat are you thinking about out here all by yoursel&?" # looked up to see Beth staring down at me. *he wore !ut o&& ean shorts with a tank top, her hands buried in her hip po!kets.
"*!hool." # said 4uietly. *he nodded and !limbed up onto the bla!k tramp with me.
"eah. #$e been thinking a lot about that, too." *he sighed as she plopped down on her ba!k, the entire tarp boun!ing us both slightly at the 4ui!k moement. #t always reminded me o& water. That must be what it was like to sleep on a ship, # mused.
"# was also thinking about that musi!al you did last summer." # !ould almost hear the smile spread a!ross Beth$s young &a!e.
"+h, yeah. $Potiphar had ery &ew !ares, he was one o& Egypt$s millionaires," she began to sing. # 7oined her, "haing made a &ortune buying bu ying shares in, Pyramids.$" (e broke into a healthy stream o& laughter. #t &elt so good to laugh with her again. (e didn$t laugh as mu!h as we used to.
"That was probably the best time o& my li&e so &ar." *he said wist&ully. # turned to look at her pro&ile. *he still wore the smile, her eyes lost in memories.
"This summer theater !amp is going to be really good &or you, isn$t it?" # asked. *he looked at me, and nodded.
"eah, # think so. # !an$t wait # only &eel !omplete when #$m on that stage, doing a play."
"as your mother !almed down any?" Beth turned to look at the stars again.
"*he$ll get oer it. *he always does." *he pla!ed her hands on her stoma!h and began to beat out a simple rhythm that kept time with the tune in her head, probably something &rom $oseph...$ "%o you remember that song $)lose Eery %oor$ &rom the musi!al last year?" she asked, eyes glued to the stars.
"es. "es. #t$s a beauti&ul song."
"ou "ou think? # always thought it was so sad. $)lose eery door to me, take those # loe, &rom me. Bar all the windows, and shut out the light...,$" # !losed my eyes as # listened to Beth$s smooth oi!e sing. "$%o what you want with me, hate me, and laugh at me. %arken my day times, and torture my nights... &or we know we shall &ind, our own pie!e o& mind, &or we hae been promised a land o& our own.$" *he began to hum the song so&tly, her thoughts a million miles away, but suddenly she stopped. "# always &elt that way, like that song was about me, you know? # !ould relate." *he was 4uiet &or a moment, then she looked oer at me with a grin. "ae you eer noti!ed that the tarp on a tramp smells like the seats on the s!hool bus?" she turned to me when # didn$t answer, and &ound me staring at her like she was !ra1y. "ou$e neer noti!ed that?" # shook my head. "eah, well you smart, un!reatie types." *he sat up and looked down at me. "#$m sorry about that whole thing at %arla$s, Em. # know that you$re 7ust kind o& stu!k in the middle."
"#t$s okay, Beth. ou don$t hae to apologi1e. #t$s not your &ault. #t$s mine. %arla isn$t a real &riend, # reali1e that." # said sa id so&tly.
"*o why are you &riends with her?"
"*omeone to hang around with, # don$t know."
"(ith &riends like that," Beth smiled. # smiled ba!k. "# better go. #$m leaing in the morning, and didn$t want to leae mad, or you mad at me. This has been a tough &ew days." *he s!ooted to the side and lowered hersel& to the ground. # stared at her ba!k in awe. ow !an she be so &orgiing? Beth had the biggest heart o& anyone. (hat would # do without her? *he turned to look at me.
"(hat?" # asked, !on&used at her e0pe!tant e0pression.
"%on$t # rate a hug?" # grinned, and 7umped down &rom the tramp and into her arms. (e stood in ea!h other$s embra!e &or nearly &ie minutes, neither wanting to be anywhere else in the whole world. "#$m going to miss you." she whispered in my ear. A shier ran down the length o& my body. body.
"#$ll miss you, too."
"ou$ll write, right?" Beth asked when &inally we parted. # nodded, knowing speaking at that moment would be a mistake. # swallowed my rising emotion down.
"*ure. But you hae to write ba!k, Beth *ayers9" # admonished. admonishe d. *he grinned shyly.
"# will. # promise. 5aybe # !an !all you on your birthday." she said, her oi!e hope&ul.
"ou better." # said, trying again with eery oun!e o& sel&'!ontrol in me to not !ry. Beth smiled as i& she !ould see my inner turmoil. *he ran a 4ui!k hand through my hair and began to turn away.
"*ee ya." # wat!hed her walk oer to the &en!e that separated separated our two yards. *he !limbed up on top o& the trash!an there, and with a mighty heae, pulled hersel& up to balan!e &or a moment on top o& the wooden &en!e. *he looked at me oer her shoulder again and smiled, then 7umped down to the other side.
# grabbed the &ew pie!es o& mail # took &rom the bo0 between my teeth, and &umbled with one hand to get the right key into the lo!k, my other hand and arm boggled down with blue plasti! bags &illed with our stu&& to go. The door opened a&ter my third attempt, and # hurried inside to drop my load be&ore my arm !ame o&&. %umping %umping eerything on the kit!hen table, # headed out to the !ar &or the rest.
(ith a sigh # dropped my keys on the table amidst the mass o& bags, and hung my purse on the doorknob o& the pantry p antry..
"ey, loer boy." # !rooned when # &elt *imon$s tail weaing it$s way between my !ales, leaing a bla!k trail o& &ur on my 7eans. "(ell, looks like we$re going to hae to make mommy brush you tonight, huh little man?" # gushed, rubbing the top o& his head, and down between his eyes, his eyes tightly shut, loud purring &illing the 4uiet kit!hen.
# grabbed the small pile o& enelopes, and began to si&t through them. "Bill, bill, 7unk mail, bill, hmmm." # dropped the other bits o& mail ba!k to the table and held one in my hand, the handwritten name and address !at!hing my eye. # &lipped the letter oer to see i& there was a return address on the ba!k &lap. 5oni!a -iens, Pueblo, )olorado. # drew my brows together then
a small grin spread a!ross my lips. # slid my &inger under the &lap, and tore the paper open. A single sheet had a short, neatly handwritten note.
%ear Emily,
# want to tell you how sorry # am about Beth. *he was an in!redible woman, and was a ery good &riend to hae. # am looking &orward to seeing you i& you !ome ba!k home &or the &uneral. Please !ome. Emily, it has been &ar too long sin!e you$e been home. our mother tells me you are happily inoled with a tea!her named 3ebe!!a. (hy didn$t you tell me9 #& you !ome down, and # hope you do, # am looking &orward to meeting this spe!ial woman who was &inally able to keep a hold o& Emily Thomas. 6ord knows the rest o& us !ouldn$t9
Take !are, Emily, and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you right now.
6oe Always,
5oni!a
P.*. #& you$d like, )onnie and # would loe &or the two o& you to stay with us. (hi!h brings me to '
P.*.*. # !an$t wait &or you to meet )onnie. # wish you !ould hae !ome to our !ommitment !eremony, but # do understand the li&e o& a lawyer, boy do #9 )onnie and # !onstantly !onstan tly &ight about it9
# laid the letter on the table with a smile. 5oni!a. *he was right: it had been &ar too long. # !hu!kled as # began to take all o& my pur!hases out o& the bags, and arrange them &or pa!king, or putting away. # smiled again as # !ould hear my mother$s oi!e,.....
"%id you hear that )laudia -iens$ girl is going to law s!hool?" my ears perked up immediately. A real li&e law student? And so !lose9
"*he don$t look smart enough to be no lawyer." my &ather said, sitting in his re!liner, &eet up, newspaper in his hands. 5y mother looked oer at him, putting her 3edbook down into her lap.
"enry. That$s not ni!e."
"(ell, it$s true." my &ather said looking at her &rom around his paper. "*he looks like a damn idiot with those glasses o& hers always 7ust hal& way on her nose. (ho in hell wears glasses hal& on and hal& o&&?"
"# thought glasses were supposed to make you look smarter?" # said &rom my pla!e on the &loor in &ront o& the t.., wat!hing my &aorite !hara!ter, o on The Fa!ts o& 6i&e.
"-ot her."
)laudia -iens$ husband, 3ay had died in the early seenties &rom a terrible a!!ident at the )F# steel mill, and she and their only daughter, 5oni!a lied o&& o& what li&e insuran!e he had had, as well as )laudia was a nurse at *t. 5ary )orwin ospital. 5oni!a was mu!h older than # was, so she had little to do with us kids. *he started law s!hool when # was only twele. # sat on the banana seat o& my bike &rom our drieway and wat!hed a!ross the street as 5oni!a would hurry out the &ront door with a ba!kpa!k slung oer one shoulder, usually more books in her hand as she ra!ed toward her beat up light blue @olkswagen Bug. *he$d look oer at me, her bla!k hair pinned up on the sides, the dark length blowing around her pretty &a!e and gie me the slightest slightest smile, and disappear into the !ar, and drie o&&.
# entered the kit!hen again &rom running some pa!kages o& toilet paper to the bathroom upstairs, eyeing the letter on the table. # thought ba!k to the summer Beth had gone o&& to !amp.
%ear Emily,
une GH, <=<
ey, Em. 8m, #$m not real good at writing letters, so you$re going to get what you get, okay? Anyway, # made it all the way here to Tennessee all on my own. 5an, was that s!ary9 # neer &lew be&ore. #t$s really really kind o& !ool in a way. way. (hen you take o&& &rom the runway the plane starts starts to go really, really &ast, and you &eel almost like you$re stu!k to your seat. Then when that huge, metal bird li&ts o&&, your stoma!h goes, too. Kind o& like being on a roller !oaster, but not as bad.
5y dad was so happy to see me, # really thought he was going to !ry9 # hae neer seen him so emotional be&ore, yikes9 is wi&e, 6ynn is really ni!e, too. *he$s pregnant, so in a &ew months #$ll hae a little brother or sister9 #sn$t that great? # neer thought #$d be an older sister, though lord knows #$m surprised # haen$t been &ie times oer by my mother.
(ell, # got to !amp three days ago. #t is really ni!e here. The !amp is is 82E9 There are kids here &rom all oer the 8.*. # met a girl &rom Alaska the other day9 #sn$t that wild? #$m in a !abin with seen other girls, not !ounting our !ounselor. They are all pretty ni!e &or the most part. +nly +n ly three o& us are here to do theater. The others #$m not real sure about. #t is really hot and humid here. 8gh. # guess it$s like that here in the south. They hae the !oolest a!!ents here. ou know how # pi!k them up, so #$m sure it won$t take long and #$ll be saying things like y$all, and &i0in$ too, usedta!ould. #t$s so &unny &unn y. 6ike it$s all one word9 6oe 6o e it.
# guess this will hae to do &or now. now. # miss you a lot99999 lot99999 #$ll write again soon. +h, and #$m sending you a birthday !ard, too. ope&ully you$ll get it on time9
6oe,
Beth
A birt birthd hday ay wish wish &or &or a spe spe!i !ial al &riend on her her spe!i e!ial day. ay.....
appy Birthday &rom that spe!ial pla!e in my heart.
une une G;, G;, <= <=<<
ey, Em. # know this !ard is kind o& dorky, but it was all # !ould &ind. appy Birthday9 # miss you9999 Beth.
P.*. The &ood here is aw&ul9 +ne girl said that this stu&& tastes like prison &ood. # wonder how she knows that?
%ear Beth,
I /G > / <
ello. ello. # was so e0!ited to get your letter9 letter9 # got your !ard today, today, too. Thank you. # !an$t beliee # am going to be
Eerything here is pretty mu!h the same. #t has been soooo hot here, too. But as you know, it$s dry heat. (hat$s humidity like? # hate it. #$e heard that humidity !an !ause all kinds o& pimples. #s that true? # sure hope not9 #& # plan to lie in -ew ork or 6os Angeles some day, #$ll get the hugest 1it on my &a!e as #$m trying some huge !ase in !ourt9 (ouldn$t that be aw&ul? The 7udge would probably laugh his butt o&&.
5e and %arla went swimming yesterday. #t was &un, but we ran into *!ott 5athews there. # am so si!k o& hearing about him, and haing to see him. # mean, 7ee1. # don$t !are about him or any o& his stupid &riends9 They tried to inite us oer to *!ott$s house &or some stupid pool party. %arla was thrilled. thrilled. # didn$t want to go, so # didn$t. Besides, # think my parents would hae &lipped9 5y mom says we are way too young to date, and she thinks that %arla$s parents parents are 7ust asking &or trouble by en!ouraging her to. # don$t know i& # agree with them, but all the same, #$m not interested. # hae too mu!h else to worry about other than some boy.
# better better go &or &or now now.. #t#t is is so late, late, and # am so tired. tired. # think my mom has a big big day planned tomorrow. *he won$t tell me. # miss you, too. Please !ome ba!k soon9
6oe, Emily ane Thomas
%ear Em,
uly H, <=<
# am so happy9 (e had to write write a short one'a!t play to a!t out with ourseles ourseles and two or three other people, and then we per&ormed them &or our tea!her, he$s this strange guy named Bu!k. That$s what he wants us to !all him. (ild, huh? Anyway, so we per&orm them, and he$d pi!k the one he liked the best, and then the winner would do their play &or the entire !amp. # won9 #sn$t that great? *ee, Em, # told you those s!enes that you and me a!ted out would be use&ul smileL.
# met the !oolest !ounselor today. er name is )asey something. # don$t know her last name. *he is so mu!h &un. *he isn$t in our !abin, but the one ne0t to it. # think she is good &riends with our !ounselor, Kim. *he is &rom 5ontana, 5ontan a, but lied most o& her early li&e in England, Eng land, and has this wi!ked British a!!ent. *he is really big into the theater. *he is seenteen. Em, you should see her. *he has long, blonde hair with these big e0pressie brown eyes. Eyes kind o& like a puppy dog. *he has the most beauti&ul smile. # think you$d like her, she$s so ni!e.
#$e heard that about humidity, too. But # don$t know i& that$s true or not. #$e a!tually noti!ed that my skin is healthier here. %on$t know. Either way, Em, no 7udge in his right mind is about to ki!k you out o& a !ourtroom9 #& he does, tell me, and #$ll ki!k his ass &or you. smileL
Better go. appy ;th o& uly9 # miss you so mu!h9 # hope these ne0t two months &ly by.
6oe,Beth
2reetings9,
> / / <
i, Beth9 # was so happy when you !alled me. (hen # didn$t hear &rom you on my birthday # was so sad. But then you !alled the ne0t day, and it was all okay oka y again. ust the sound o& your yo ur oi!e made me happy, ha ppy, and not miss you 4uite as mu!h. At least &or a while, anyway. grinL
5e and mom went to the store today. today. (e both ran out o& eye make'up. That stu&& is so e0pensie, you know? ee1. Those !osmeti! !ompanies must think we are all ri!h. 2ood thing my parents gie me a generous allowan!e.
# am so proud o& you, Beth. # knew you would do well there. # saw your mom today. today. *he asked i& # had heard &rom you. (hy haen$t you written her? *he got a 7ob &inally. # think she said she$s at the gro!ery store. store. # hope she$ll like it there. # know it$s been hard &or you guys sin!e she got &ired &rom the bank a&ter that whole... deal.
# didn$t know you guys were allowed allowed to be &riends &riends with the !ounselors? !ounselors? Better Better go. %arla is taking me to the moies tonight. # hae to start getting ge tting ready. (hen are you !oming home?
P.*. %o you think # should use my &ull name on!e we get to high s!hool? 6oe,Emily ane Thomas %ear Beth,
>/<;/<
Beth, why haen$t you written? written? Are you okay? Please write soon. # miss you9 # miss your letters, too....
P.*. 5y dad took me driing today. #t was so s!ary9 (e went driing around the !emetery so # !ould see what it$s like with a !ury road. Plus my dad said that i& # killed us we$d be in the right pla!e. e$s su!h a goo&9
Emily
%ear Em,
uly G<, <=<
ey, Em. *orry # haen$t written in awhile. #$e been really busy. Bu!k has us working our butts o&&. 5e and this guy, )hris had to write a G'a!t play together. #t is really good. That took a lot o& time, though. (e !ouldn$t de!ide on a s!ript &oreer, &oreer, but then he &inally &inally de!ided to agree with me. +& !ourse, # had to persuade him 7ust a little. eil grinL #$m glad he !ame to his senses. # hate the sight o& blood.
+h9 # hae got to tell you about this. 6ast night me and )asey, )asey, remember the !ounselor !ounselor # told you about?, snu!k out and went swimming. #t was so &un9 #t was so bad. (e are not allowed to be out o& our !abins past ten, but we waited until about one in the morning, and met out behind our !abins. *he really surprised me, though. *he took o&& her !lothes9 *he wanted me to $skinny dip$ with her, but # was like no way9 But there we were at the lake, and she is !ompletely nude. *he is beauti&ul. # really admire her a lot. #& # !ould only hae hal& the body at seenteen that she has9 *o my mother got a 7ob? 2ood &or her. Better go. 5iss you.
P.*. (hy did you hae to buy eye make'up? ou don$t wear eye make'up. %o you? +h, and humidity is beginning to get sti!ky hot. (e$re in the middle o& a ma7or heat wae right now. 8gh99
P.*.*. To answer your 4uestion about your name. (hy would you go by your &ull name 7ust be!ause it$s high s!hool? s!h ool? ou ou said you always hated your &ull name. 6oe, Beth
%ear Beth,
> /G J / <
# was glad to hear &rom you. # was getting getting worried. worried. This )asey sounds kind o& like trouble. trouble. *he !an get you both in so mu!h hot water i& she$s not !are&ul. !are&ul. *he is the !ounselor9 Be !are&ul, !are&ul, Beth. (hy on earth would she take her !lothes o&& in &ront o& you?
*!ott 5athews 5athews &inally asked %arla %arla out. *he was so e0!ited. *he set me up with one o& his &riends, *eth 6ewis. # think it$s kind o& ironi! that his name and yours rhyme. Anyway, # am so glad that you$ll be ba!k in a month. ow is the a!ting going? # miss you.
P.*. eah, # do hate my &ull name, but it sounds a lot more grown up than Emmy. Emmy. %on$t you think? 6oe, Emily Thomas
%ear Em,
August <, <=<
ey. (ow. )asey went on a trip with some o& the other !ounselors to a town !alled )ropille, no kidding9L, whi!h is only about ten miles away &rom !amp. *he bought me this really beauti&ul bra!elet. #$m laying here on my bunk right now looking at it. #t$s siler, # told her how mu!h # like silerL and it has a bun!h o& !harms on it. 6ike this one is a heart, this one is a happy &a!e, and this one is a sad &a!e. *he was tying to get as !lose to the !omedy/tragedy &a!es o& drama as she !ould. #sn$t that sweet? (e$e snu!k out eery night &or the last two weeks. #t$s been ama1ing. (e almost got !aught last night. #t was pretty !lose. Better go. 5iss you. %on$t grow up too &ast, Em. Beth %ear Beth,
/J / <
(hat are you doing, Beth? Are you !ra1y? ou are going to get into so mu!h trouble9 (hat is it with this girl? (hat are you doing that is $so ama1ing$? ama1ing$? (hat, does she let you lay on top o& her, too? %o you two kiss, and do other stu&&, too?
Emily
%ear Beth,
/> / <
i. #$m sorry. # had no right to say that, Beth. Please &orgie me? ow is !amp going? ae you written anything else, lately? # miss you a lot.
6oe, i& you !anL Emily Thomas
%ear Beth,
/
Are you eer going to write ba!k to me? (here are you? (hat is going on? %o you still see )asey? Talk Talk to me, Beth. Please?
# broke broke up with *eth. e wanted to kiss me. # thought he was 7ust way too mu!h o& a dork. dork. #t$s been really hot. Billy is going to be able to !ome home &or )hristmas. (e 7ust &ound out. ae you written your mother yet?
# miss you, Beth.
6oe, Emily ane Thomas %ear Beth,
/< J / <
???????????????????????????????
Emily ane Thomas
%ear Emily,
August GM, <=<
ello. )amp is good. They made )asey leae. *he le&t yesterday yesterday.. Bastards. Bastards. # should be !oming home in about a week. Probably around the time you get this. # hope you$re doing good. *ee you soon.
Beth
# stared at the short letter letter in my hand. # wasn$t sure what to think. (as she mad at me &or letting letting my mouth get away &rom me yet again? (hy did her &riend hae to leae !amp? # had so many 4uestions and thoughts running through my brain it made my head hurt.
# sat down on my bed and stared out my window. # re'read the letter again be&ore # tossed it on the !om&orter !om&orter beside me. 2rabbing 2rabbing my teddy, teddy, 3u&&les 3u&&les and holding holding him to me, # laid ba!k against the pillows. 5y teddy always !om&orted me. # looked at the pile o& enelopes # had sta!ked on my dresser. All o& Beth$s letter$s &rom oer the summer. #t had been so e0!iting to !ome home &rom some pla!e, and see the newly arried letter waiting &or me to tear open and read. Beth$s large, sloppy writing writing !alled to me. # smiled as # reali1ed reali1ed her s!rawl was as !are&ree as she who penned it. The smile disappeared when that new girl, )asey entered my thoughts. (as she Beth$s new best &riend? #t sounded that way to me. # sighed as # &inally admitted to mysel& that # was 7ealous o& this !ounselor !ounselor.. (hy did Beth like her so mu!h? (as it be!ause she was older? (as she prettier than me? # rolled my eyes at a t this last thought. though t. (ho !ared what she looked like? Blonde with big, brown eyes. *ounds ugly to me.
# rolled oer on my side, taking 3u&&les with me. *taring at my !loset door with the poster o& +liia -ewton'ohn on it # sighed. +liia had blond hair, but she had beauti&ul blue eyes. -ot dorky brown like )asey. er glossy lips smiled at me, her oer'si1ed shirt leaing her bron1e shoulder e0posed, her short hair swept ba!k &rom her &a!e with a headband. # smiled ba!k at her. # wished that someday # would be beauti&ul like that. *uddenly needing to hear the so&t oi!e o& the goddess, +liia, # rolled o&& the bed to my stereo and put on my re!ord o& the soundtra!k to
2rease9. # smiled as # heard +liia sing $ou$re the +ne That # (ant$ with ohn Traolta. # !losed my eyes with a smile as the pianist began to pound out the blusey beat.
"$# got !hills, they$re multiplyin$," # sang as # dan!ed around my small room with 3u&&les in my arms. # started as my bedroom door slammed open, my aunt Kitty leaning against it with her eyes !losed as she sang along with me.
"$ou better shape up, $!ause # need a man.....$" # giggled as she !ame into the room and grabbed my hands and swung me around.
"$ou$re the one that # want, oh oh oh. oney. The one that # want, oh oh oh. oney. The one that # want, oh oh oh. The one # need, oh yes indeed9$"
The song !ame to an end, and we both !ollapsed on my bed out o& breath. (e turned to look at ea!h other, &inally e0ploding in a &it o& giggles.
"ou$re "ou$re so silly, silly, Aunt Kitty." # laughed.
"up. # am." *he sat up, grabbing my hand as she stood. "# hae been sent to get you &or dinner." *he began to pull me o&& the bed, and out the door.
"(ait9 Aunt Kitty9" # !ried as # tried to keep up with her 4ui!k pa!e. (e began to ra!e down the stairs.
")ome on." (as all she would say. (e walked through the &amily room, that is, she walked, and # was dragged. 5y parents were sitting on the !ou!h wat!hing Family Feud.
"5om?" # asked as we passed by. *he smiled up at me and waed. # &inally relented and kept pa!e with my !ra1y, young aunt. (e settled into her he r !ar, and headed toward town.
"(hat$s going on, Aunt Kitty? # thought we were going to eat dinner?"
"(e are. ust you and me." # smiled, and she returned the smile. 5y aunt was the kind o& person that made eery person she !ame in !onta!t with &eel spe!ial. *he had an easygoing personality, and was loads o& &un. *he was only about ten or so years older than # was, what my mom !alled a "late in li&e baby" &or my grandparents. g randparents. *he had long, light brown hair, 7ust a shade lighter than my mom$s and mine. er dark gray eyes were kind, and usually smiling.
"*o where are we going?" # asked, my arm resting along the open window, the bree1e &lowing through the !ar blowing hair in both our &a!es. *he smiled at me again.
"*omewhere."
"2ee, thanks."
"Anytime, kiddo."
# began to noti!e that we had drien toward town, and then right past it. (here were we going? As i& in answer to my unspoken 4uestion, 4uestion, my aunt turned onto a dirt road that led to what looked like nowhere. # glan!ed oer at her only to meet with a warm smile.
"Almost there." A small lake loomed up be&ore us surrounded by trees and wild grass. A small do!k bobbed o&& shore. #t was beauti&ul. The late a&ternoon sun shone oerhead giing the water a glowing li&e all its own. Aunt Kitty parked the !ar under the shade o& a massie tree, and got out. # &ollowed suit. *he went around to the trunk and pulled out a large pi!ni! basket.
")ome on." she said, leading the way to an almost non'e0istent non'e0istent path that led through the dense &oliage.
"ow do you know about this pla!e, Aunt Kitty?" # asked, happily &ollowing.
"our grand&ather used to take us here when me and your mom were kids. # was pretty little, but # neer &orgot it." *he smiled ba!k oer her shoulder at me. Finally we emerged &rom the mini &orest, and ended up right on the bank o& the small lake. "# think this is a man'made lake that
some !ra1y old man had put on his property in the twenties." Aunt Kitty said as she opened the basket and brought out a large red and white !he!kered table!loth table!loth and spread it out on the wild grass. # rea!hed my hand toward the basket only &or it to be slapped. # looked at her with surprised eyes. "-o. ou sit and rela0. # do the work."
# sat !ross'legged and wat!hed my aunt as she brought out a !ontainer &ull o& hot Kentu!ky Friend )hi!ken mashed potatoes, and another o& gray. *he opened the bo0 o& !hi!ken and waited e0pe!tantly &or my approal. approa l. # giggled and nodded. *he nodded in response, then the n took out the &our, hot bis!uits and little pads o& butter.
"And to wash it all down, our house wine." she produ!ed two bottles o& %r. Pepper, Pepper, handing one to me, whi!h # immediately immediately opened and took a long sip o& to try and alleiate alleiate the hot day. day. As we ate we talked about s!hool, that would begin in 7ust under two weeks.
"*o are you nerous?" she asked around a mouth&ul o& bis!uit.
"-o." # said a little little too 4ui!kly. 4ui!kly. *he glared at me, 7ust the hint o& a smile at the !orner o& her lips. "es." # grinned. "But #$m looking &orward to it. #$e always wanted to go to high s!hool. # remember when Billy started. # was so 7ealous." Aunt Kitty grinned.
"eah, # know what you mean. (hen your mom started # was only, 7ee1, how old was #?" she said as she stared o&& into the past. "*i0, seen? But # remember it !lear as day." # !hewed the !hi!ken # had 7ust bit o&& the bone, then turned serious. (ell, at least as serious as # !ould eer get around Aunt Kitty.
"*o, why are we here?"
"(hy, to eat o& !ourse."
"-o, no. # mean why 7ust you and me?" Aunt Kitty put her hand on her !hest and looked stunned.
"# am wounded, !hild. )an # not en7oy a day with my &aorite nie!e?"
"#$m your only nie!e." # giggled.
"eah, so all the more reason &or me to spend time with you, yes?"
"es. But this isn$t usual, Aunt Kitty. ou always 7ust !ome oer to our pla!e." 5y aunt$s &a!e turned serious, whi!h worried me.
"+kay, kiddo. es, es, there is a reason we$re here,D Aunt Kitty$s words were !ut ! ut o&& as she began bega n one o& her !oughing &its. The year be&ore she had been stru!k with a seere !ase o& pneumonia, and had not been able to !ompletely shake the !ough. # waited patiently, a shard o& !on!ern &illing me. *he took a deep breath, and !ontinued. our mom is worried about you."
"(hat9 (hy?" # !ould &eel mysel& beginning to get angry.
"-ow, now. )alm down. %on$t hae a brain e0plosion. Emily, your &olks loe you ery mu!h, and they 7ust want you to be happy. (hi!h, # got to tell ya is a pretty stupid thing &or a parent to want. # mean, a teenager happy? eah. And they think #$m !ra1y? Paalee1e9" # smiled, &eeling mysel& !alming. *ort o&. *he smiled at me, and rea!hed out to gently brush some hair out o& my eyes. "They want what$s best &or you. But, see, # am not here to tell you to do anything spe!ial with yoursel&. yoursel&. -o, no. That$s what your mom would want me to do. 8n uh. That$s not what you need. (hat you need is &or someone to listen. *omeone who !an be ob7e!tie. *o spit it out." Aunt Kitty leaned ba!k on her elbows, her legs stret!hed out in &ront o& her, !rossed at the ankles, her eyes boring into my ery soul.
"*pit what out? (hat do you want me to tell you?" # asked as # la1ily made patterns on the table!loth with my &ingertips, not wanting to look at my aunt. # was a&raid that eerything # was &eeling would 7ust tumble out o& my mouth. 5y aunt always had that a&&e!t on me.
"Tell me what$s going through that noggin o& yours. Een #$e noti!ed that &or about the last si0 months or so you hae been a!ting a little on the strange side. our mom seems to think that your &riend Beth has something to do with it." 5y head shot up at the mention o& Beth. This !aught Aunt Kitty$s attention, and she raised a brow. "Ah, ouston we hae !onta!t. +kay. *o we talk about Beth."
5y mind ra!ed as # thought about how mu!h # should tell her. *he studied my &a!e, her eyes &illed with in&inite patien!e. # knew # had always been able to tell Aunt Kitty anything in the past, my se!rets neer passing through her lips. But this. This was something di&&erent. # wanted to tell her all about me and Beth on -ew ear$s, and all the &ights we had been haing sin!e then. ow 7ealous # &elt now.
")ome on, Emmy. Talk to me." # looked at my aunt again. # !ould &eel my throat !onstri!t with unshed emotion that threatened to spill out and embarrass me, so # de!ided to talk be&ore my tears !ould beat me to it.
"*ee, me and Beth, we hae a ery spe!ial &riendship. +h, Aunt Kitty." # !ried. # angrily ground my &ists into my eyes like a &ie year old !hild, angry at the tears that leaked out. Aunt Kitty smiled and gently rubbed my leg.
"# thought so." so ." she said 4uietly, 4uietly, almost too 4uiet &or me to hear. "Tell "Tell me about it."
An hour later # &elt drained. Eerything # had told Aunt Kitty hung in the air between us as i& it had a palpable e0isten!e o& its own. Aunt Kitty, who was now laying on her ba!k, looked up at the gathering !louds. #t looked like it might rain. *he sighed. # looked oer at her &rom my own position position on my ba!k. # was terri&ied terri&ied to hear what she would say. say. Through my entire tale she had remained !ompletely silent, her &ull attention on eery word # said.
"+h, Emmy." she &inally breathed. er oi!e was &ull o& sadness. "# had a &riend like Beth on!e, too." 5y eyes opened wide in surprise.
"3eally?"
"up." she nodded. "(e were &riends &rom the time we were in about seenth grade. That$s when we met. (e were &riends until we were, oh, #$d say eighteen, nineteen, maybe."
"(hat happened?" # asked, breathless. Aunt Kitty smiled, but there was no humor in that smile.
"# met 3on." she said simply. # didn$t understand. *he saw my !on&usion and smiled as she !ontinued. !ontinued. "*ee, Karen, that was her name, Karen and # moed out o& our parent$s houses when we were seniors in high s!hool,"
"(hy?" # asked, intrigued by the idea, and surprised that # had neer heard about that.
"Be!ause we were young and stupid, that$s why. (e thought we were old enough to handle the world, and anything it had to throw at us. Boy were we wrong." *he grinned at me. "Anyway, we &ound this rundown, !heap apartment, and moed in together. (e were roommates. Karen wanted to be $spe!ial$ roommates, like when we were younger. # went along with it &or a little while, but then # met 3on."
"8m, by $spe!ial$, do you mean like me and Beth at -ew ear$s?" # asked, my oi!e timid. *he nodded.
"es. "es. # loed Karen ery mu!h. But # didn$t want to lie the rest o& my li&e with her, like that. *he did."
"(hy? (hy didn$t you want to spend the rest o& your li&e with Karen, as her roommate?" # asked, somewhat !on&used. #& you loed somebody.....?
"Be!ause. %on$t get me wrong, # en7oyed my time with her." Aunt Kitty was 4uiet &or a moment, a smile spread a!ross her lips. *he blinked, and !ontinued. "But # &elt more !om&ortable with 3on. # &elt like my li&e belonged with him, not her. Karen was a ery strong person. Those kind o& people with strength like that &ul&ill the emptiness e mptiness in their lies. #t$s a spe!ial breed, breed , Emmy. #t sounds like your &riend, Beth has that same inner strength."
"6ike Karen."
"6ike Karen." Aunt Kitty agreed with a smile. "ou should be glad that you$e had this spe!ial bond with her. # will warn you, Emily. Emily. ou two will eentually eentually go your separate ways. 5aybe not today, or two years &rom now, but Beth will go out to &ind her own li&e, and her own &ul&illment. %on$t try and stop her, and most importantly, Emmy, don$t try and !hange her. +kay?"
"+kay, Aunt Kitty. Kitty. # promise."
"Beth is who she is, 7ust as you are who you are."
# helped Aunt Kitty !lean up our mess, and load it all ba!k into her trunk. # slammed the heay door shut, and turned to Aunt Kitty. *he looked at me with raised brows, waiting &or my 4uestion.
"ae you seen Karen sin!e you moed out, Aunt Kitty?"
"The last time # saw her was a &ew years ago. # ran into her at the mall. *he smiled and waed, and that was the end o& it."
"+h." # walked around the !ar to the passenger door, my mind spinning. # !ouldn$t stand the thought o& me and Beth 7ust waing &rom a distan!e. That !ould neer happen to us.
#t began to rain as we headed home.
(e laughed wildly as we ran a!ross the &ront yard &rom Aunt Kitty$s !ar, trying to aoid the downpour. (e were dren!hed when we stumbled through the &ront door, our !lothing stu!k like paint to our bodies. 5y mother took one look at us, and burst out in a &it o& laughter. # was annoyed by her laughter until # reali1ed how red and swollen her eyes were.
"5om? Are you okay? (hy were you !rying?" # walked oer to her, my shoes s4uishing with eery step.
"#t$s nothing, sweetie. #$m 7ust a little worried right now." she said as she gathered my wet body into a tight embra!e. +ut o& the !orner o& my eye # saw Aunt Kitty nod at her, my mother nodding in return, as i& they had had a se!ret !onersation oer my shoulder. *lightly irritated at that, # pulled away &rom my mother. *he held me in pla!e with her hands on my shoulders, shoulders, and smiled smiled down at me. *he gently brushed some strands o& hair that were plastered to my &orehead out o& my eyes.
"# loe you so mu!h, Emmy." she said, her oi!e &ull o& pride.
"# loe you, too." # said slowly, not sure where this was leading. *he gae me a 4ui!k hug be&ore pushing me in the dire!tion o& the stairs.
"2o !hange !lothes be&ore you !at!h your death." *he sma!ked me lightly on the rear end. Aunt Aunt Kitty &ollowed me up the stairs heading toward the bathroom.
"(hy was she !rying, Aunt Kitty?" # asked 4uietly. 5y aunt shook her head sadly.
"(hen the steel mill went under last spring it hit this town hard. our dad is haing a hard time at the dealership. -o one is interested in buying a new !ar right now when they !an barely a&&ord to keep their houses. our mom 7ust gets real worried sometimes." # looked at her, my brow et!hed with worry. worry.
"Are we going to be okay?" Aunt Kitty smiled at me and ran a hand down my ba!k.
"Fine. our our parents are &ighters."
As the summer mar!hed on with its si11ling beat, # began to noti!e more and more F+3 *A6E signs dotting the &ront lawns o& houses all through our neighborhood. #t was s!ary to wat!h the &amilies &amilies # had grown up with disappear almost almost oer night. The )F# steel mill had been work &or thousands o& men and women in town, and now they were haing to go where the work was. 5any moed to the bigger !ities o& )olorado *prings or %ener, others leaing the state all together. # wondered i& we would be okay. # sat up in bed, my ba!k resting against the pillows that rested against the headboard. # sighed as # looked through the depositions &or the olstead !ase. ohn %ithers was to pi!k up the &ile in the morning. (ith a sigh # took o&& my reading glasses, and rubbed my eyes, putting the manila &older on the small table ne0t to the bed. (hat a time &or this to happen. (e were so !lose to winning this thing.
"(hat do you think?" 3ebe!!a said, a smile in her oi!e. # looked up, and a pang o& pain slithered through my heart. 3ebe!!a stood be&ore the &oot o& the bed in her oer'si1ed T'shirt. *he had stu&&ed a pillow up its long length making a bulge at her middle. *he posed &or me, showing me
her pro&ile. # !limbed out o& the big bed, and walked oer to her, hugging her &rom behind. # pla!ed my hands oer her hands that rested on the pillow.
"*oon, baby." # whispered in her ear. "*oon."
"+h, # know, babe. # am 7ust so impatient." she groaned. "# am almost thirty'&ie. That !lo!k is e!hoing in my head eery day. 2ets old a&ter awhile."
"2ood things !ome to those who wait." # kissed her ne!k, inhaling the sweet smell o& her skin a&ter her shower. # !ould still smell the #rish *pring. "A&ter all, you got me, right?" she smiled.
"+h, yes. That took all the patien!e in the world. # didn$t think # had it in me. %id you eer tea!h me a thing or two about mysel&." # grinned.
"*ee? This should be a walk in the park then. This at least shouldn$t take three years." 3ebe!!a brought one o& my hands to her lips, and held the palm against her !heek &or a moment. (ith a shaky oi!e she said,
"2o take your shower." # turned her around and remoed the pillow &rom her shirt, held her to me.
"#t 7ust takes time, baby." # whispered. "#t$ll happen. # promise you." *he sni&&led on!e, then she seemed to get her emotions under !ontrol again.
"# don$t know what gets into me. 2od, # am so damn emotional lately9" lately9" she pulled away &rom me gently.
"Tell "Tell me about it." # grinned. *he grinned grinned ba!k at me, and sma!ked me play&ully play&ully on the arm. "At least you hae an e0!use with all those hormones they hae you on." # kissed her 4ui!kly on the lips, then walked toward the bathroom.
"Emily?"
"eah, babe?" # asked at the bathroom door.
"# loe you."
"# loe you more."
# stepped out o& my sweat pants and T'shirt T'shirt 4ui!kly, 4ui!kly, the !hill o& the !old night whispered whispered against my skin, making 2oosebumps erupt all oer the !ool sur&a!e. # !lamped my teeth together as # played with the knobs o& the shower trying to get the water to the right temperature. (ith a sigh # stepped under the hot spray, spray, !losing my eyes as the soothing water washed oer me, loosening loosening my tense mus!les. # ran my hands oer my hair to smooth it ba!k &rom my &a!e, riulets o& water running down the sides o& my &a!e, and dripping o&& my nose and !hin. # opened my eyes as Beth appeared be&ore my mind$s eye. (ith a sigh # let the memories !ome, and let my mind wonder ba!k to that late summer a&ternoon.
# pa!ed the &loor o& my room, ba!k and &orth, ba!k and &orth. *omething told me that Beth would be !oming home today, and soon. (hat would # say to her? # had no idea. Een a&ter the talk # had had with my aunt # still &elt that nauseating monster o& 7ealousy happily mun!hing away at my brain. # stopped pa!ing and looked into the &ull'length mirror that was an!hored to the ba!k o& my bedroom door. door. # smiled smiled at my re&le!tion, re&le!tion, pra!ti!ing on what would be the best smile to gie Beth when she !ame oer. #& she !ame oer. (ould (ould she? # began to pa!e again be&ore stopping stop ping to look at mysel& on!e more.
"i, Beth." # grinned. -o. ou look like an idiot. # wiped the grin &rom my lips and tried to look serious. -o. (hat about pouty? 5aybe she$ll want to know what$s wrong? # grinned again. "i, Beth. ow was !amp? ow did your a!ting go? ow is that little tramp, )asey?" 8gh9 # buried my &a!e in my hands, peaking at mysel& through my &ingers. Then # &ro1e as # heard a !ar outside. # swallowed, hard.
urrying around my bed # glan!ed out the window and saw Beth$s mother$s white )hey make its way down the street when it slowed to make the turn into their drieway. # took a deep breath as un!ertainty gripped my insides. *hould # wait &or her to !ome oer? -o. That !ould take awhile. # sighed and looked at my re&le!tion on!e again. # pulled my hair &rom its perpetual ponytail and brushed out the long strands until the blonde, some sun'blea!hed platinum, strands shone. # ad7usted my denim oerall shorts, and headed out to braely &a!e the storm o& Beth$s wrath.
# walked a!ross our lawn and wat!hed as Beth$s mother helped her daughter heae all o& her heay bags out o& the trunk o& the !ar. -either spoke a word, the operation silent and e&&i!ient. -ora *ayers did a double take as she spied me, une0pe!ted out o& the !orner o& her eye and smiled.
"i, there, Emily." she said, then headed toward the &ront door. Beth looked at me, her large du&&el bag slung oer one shoulder, and a smaller !anas bag gripped in her hands. # looked down and noti!ed a bra!elet that dangled &rom her le&t wrist. *iler. 6ots o& little !harms hanging &rom it. A bitter !hill ran down my spine.
"ey." she said with a wide smile. *he almost seemed hesitant. Almost.
"ey."
"# was hoping you$d be home. # wasn$t sure i& you$d be o&& somewhere somewhere with %arla or something." something." *he read7usted the bag on her shoulder.
"-ope. -ot today." today." # smiled. smiled. 5y hands began to &idget with my wat!h, turning it this way around my wrist only to turn it ba!k the other way.
")ool. # hae so mu!h to tell you." *he looked oer her shoulder at her house, and with a sigh turned ba!k to me. "# think # should spend some time with her, though. *he$ll *he$ll be ti!ked ti!ked i& # don$t. (ant to meet at the Bowl later?" her oi!e was hope&ul.
"eah, okay." # grinned, somewhat disappointed. # didn$t want to hae to wait until later. "A&ter dinner?" # heard mysel& myse l& say, grima!ing inwardly. inwardly. That would mean een longer9 lo nger9
"eah. *ounds good." *he dropped the !anas bag and walked oer to me gathering me into her one &ree arm, and holding me to her &or 7ust a brie& moment be&ore releasing me. *he turned away and grabbed the bag again be&ore heading toward the &ront door that her mother had le&t open &or her. he r.
5y parents and # sat around the dinner table. # stared at the empty !hair a!ross &rom me. # missed my brother ery mu!h. (ith a sigh # returned my attention ba!k to my plate o& spaghetti. # twirled my &ork in the long noodles trying to see how big # !ould get the ball o& pasta around my &ork be&ore it all &ell o&&.
"Emmy." my mother said 4uietly. 4uietly. # looked oer at a t her. "%on$t play with your &ood."
"*orry." # stu!k the whole thing in my mouth so # !ould !hew and not hae to worry about thinking or talking as # tried to not !hoke on the massie bite.
"2ood god, Fran!is. %idn$t you tea!h our !hildren any manners?" my &ather said, disgust in his oi!e.
"Emily?" my mother asked, the slightest hint o& a smile twit!hed at her lips. # looked at her with wide eyes and shrugged sh rugged my shoulders. shou lders. # glan!ed oer at the wall !lo!k to see that it was nearly ne arly seen. Beth and # had a mutual agreement that a&ter dinner dinner generally meant eight. By the time # &inished the dishes it would be time to head out to the Bowl.
# stood at the kit!hen sink with a dishrag in my right hand, sau!e'!oered pan in my le&t. # s!rubbed absently as # stared out the window to the ba!kyard. # didn$t really see the big )ottonwood tree, or the small shed tu!ked into the ba!k le&t !orner o& the yard, nor the big trampoline trampoline whose bla!k tarp dully re&le!ted re&le!ted the light o& the &ull moon. # was thinking thinking about how # was going to rea!t to Beth tonight. # had to meet her in &i&teen minutes. All the dishes were washed e0!ept &or the pan that # was slowly working on. A&ter that # only had to wash o&& the dinner table, and take out the garbage. -o problem. # would be there on time.
# thought again about Beth$s new &riend, )asey. # !hastised mysel& as the reali1ation !ame to me that # had absolutely no right to be 7ealous o& this mystery girl. Beth was allowed to hae other &riends, a&ter all. # had my own &riends. But # relied on Beth so mu!h. But at the same time # had a sinking suspi!ion that Beth and )asey had been more than 7ust &riends oer the summer. ad Beth done the same things to her as she had done to me? (asn$t that 7ust something that Beth and # had done? +ther girls don$t do that, do they? But then # remembered what Aunt Kitty had said about her and Karen. %id all girls do that at one time or other? Either way, we would work it out. # hoped.
(ith a swish o& the dishtowel into the double sink, # le&t the kit!hen and headed toward the liing room where my parents were reading the newspaper and wat!hing the eening news.
"%id you read this arti!le, Fran?" my &ather asked, his oi!e distra!ted as he !ontinued to read an arti!le that was a!!ompanied by a pi!ture o& what appeared to be a parade o& some kind. 5en and women were walking down a street with signs in their hands, and their mouths were open as i& they were talking or yelling.
"(hi!h one?" my mother answered 7ust as distra!ted as she &o!used on her own se!tion o& the *tar ournal. 5y &ather began to read
"$-early &our hundred mar!hers parti!ipated in Friday a&ternoon$s rally in &ront o& )ity all in %ener demanding e4ual rights to gays and lesbians. The rally started o&& pea!e&ul with mild !hants, and rainbow'!olored banners, howeer, things began to turn &or the worse when anti'gay protesters began to throw ro!ks and glass bottles at the mar!hers. *ome gay members were rushed to a near'by hospital with head wounds, and seere !uts. A&ter twenty minutes, %ener poli!e were able to bring eerything ba!k under !ontrol, and the rally was disbanded. -o arrests were made.....$"
5y mother looked up as my &ather put the paper down and looked at her.
"Those damn people." he muttered. "(hy !an$t they 7ust keep it to themseles? -o one !ares about that... li&estyle. (hy !an$t they 7ust be normal?"
"enry. Be &air. They didn$t desere that. *omeone !ould hae really gotten hurt. They weren$t hurting anyone. ou 7ust read that it was a pea!e&ul mar!h."
"(hat is a gay and lesbian?" # asked as # stopped at the &ront door and turned to &a!e them. Both my parent$s eyes turned to me, both looking as i& # had 7ust asked them i& # !ould shoot them in the head.
"They$re a bun!h o& si!kos, is what they are."
"enry." "enry." my mother was silent &or a moment as she thought o& how to best answer my 4uestion. "(ell, honey, they are homose0uals."
"(hat$s a homose0ual?"
"Ah. +h boy. (ell, a homose0ual is someone who, ah, well, who loes the same se0. Two men who loe ea!h other physi!ally are !alled !a lled gay, and two women who loe ea!h other physi!ally are !alled lesbians." lesbians." # absorbed this in&ormation in&ormation &or a moment be&ore # reali1ed that # had heard both o& those terms used be&ore at s!hool. # had 7ust neer known what they had meant. Then it hit me that # had heard both o& those terms hollered at Beth. # swallowed uneasily.
"+h. (ell #$m going."
"%on$t be out too late, Emmy." Emmy." my mother said as a s she turned her attention a ttention ba!k to her newspaper. ne wspaper.
# walked solemnly down the street as # replayed my mother$s de&inition again and again in my mind. (ere we..... -o. -o way. # did not loe Beth in that way. (as Beth? -o. # smiled to mysel&. *he wasn$t one o& $those$ people. *he 7ust always &elt more !om&ortable physi!ally around girls, that$s all.
# walked up the dirt path that would wind its way to the Toilet Bowl. 8p ahead # !ould barely make out the white o& a T'shirt. 'shirt. The moon had hid behind some rolling rolling !louds, and its su&&o!ated su&&o!ated light !ould not break through the dense bran!hes o& the trees that surrounded surrounded the pond. As # neared # !ould see Beth sitting with her knees drawn up to her !hest, her arms wrapped around her shins. er eyes stared into the water, but did not really &o!us on anything. # !ould tell she was deep in thought as she drew her bottom lip into her mouth to lightly !hew on it be&ore releasing it on!e again.
"ey." # said 4uietly, not wanting to disturb the hush o& the late August night. *he looked oer her shoulder and smiled
"i." # plopped down ne0t to her, and sat !ross'legged, my arms resting on the sides o& my thighs. # looked at her and grinned.
"ou "ou beat me m e here this time."
"eah, "eah, # know. # had to get out o& o & there. #$e been here &or about an hour # think."
"+h. # would hae been here a little sooner, but with Billy gone # am the only dishwasher." *he grinned at me. # looked o&& into the trees &or a moment be&ore turning ba!k to her. "*o tell me about it. ow was !amp?" *he smiled.
"#t was great. # won a ton o& awards and trophies. ou should see my dresser top. #t$s loaded with them." er eyes sparkled, &illed with so mu!h pride.
"+h, Beth." # breathed, truly happy &or her. "# knew you would do really well there. ou are so talented. talented. #& # only had this mu!h o& your talent," talent," # held up my hand, pla!ing pla!ing my inde0 &inger about hal& an in!h &rom my thumb.
"ey, don$t be too hard on yoursel&, Em. ou hae got some serious stu&& upstairs. # wish # was smart like you. And beauti&ul." er smile was disarming. # grinned shyly.
"eah, right. All that won$t get me a standing oation, or awards and trophies like you get."
"5aybe not, but it will sure get you &ar in li&e. ou will get &ar, Em. # know it." er bright blue eyes bore into mine. They were &illed with a mi0ture o& seriousness, and sadness. *he !ontinued with a grin. "ust remember me when you$re a big su!!ess&ul lawyer in some great !ity."
"Always." # smiled. "As long as you remember me when you gie your spee!h a&ter you win your &irst +s!ar." *he grinned, lost in the thought. (e lo!ked eyes &or a moment as we !onne!ted. # had neer been linked to another human being as # was to Beth. (e were able to say so mu!h with our eyes that our mouths would neer say. 3ight now # was seeing something some thing &lash through hers that told me she was in a great struggle oer something. *he looked so lost that # &elt # needed to tou!h her, !om&ort her. # rea!hed out and pla!ed my hand on her right knee that was still being held se!urely to her body with her arms. # knew she needed to talk, but was unsure i& # wanted to hear about it. *o #$d hae to take the plunge, and get her going .
"(hy did she hae to leae !amp?" 5y words !ame out slowly, and 4uietly. # !ould see the storm building in the e0panse o& o!ean that were her eyes. *he tore her eyes &rom mine and looked down at her !rossed ankles, silent &or a moment.
"*omeone saw us." she said so 4uietly that # had to strain to hear.
"*aw you? *wimming?" # asked, !on&used.
"-o." she smiled at the memory. "-o, they saw us on the shore. (e were, we were kissing." *he glan!ed at me 4ui!kly to see my rea!tion. (ith !are&ul !ontrol # managed to keep my &a!e e0pressionless. -ow that # got her going, # was not going to let my petty 7ealousies get in the way again. (hen she saw that it was okay, she !ontinued. ")asey was naked. # only had my shirt o&&." *uddenly she buried her &a!e in her hands and groaned. "+h, Em," her oi!e was mu&&led. "#t was so embarrassing." *he looked at me again.
"*o, you and )asey were doing what we, well, you would kiss and stu&&?" A slow slow blush traeled up her ne!k and stained her !heeks !rimson.
"At &irst." *he gae me a lop'sided grin and raised a brow.
"At &irst?" # s4ueaked. # !leared my throat. # was silent as # waited &or her to !ontinue when it be!ame pain&ully obious that she wanted me to drag it out o& her. %id # really want to hear this? )uriosity got the best o& me. "*o um, what else did you do?"
"2od, what didn$t we do?" #t was my turn to blush. # swallowed re&le0iely and stared into the water &or a moment be&ore # !ould !ou ld &a!e her. (hen she had my &ull attention again, Beth !ontinued !on tinued her story. ")asey would use her tongue, and she would start su!king, then with her &ingers'"
"Fingers?" # interrupted. 5y brows drawn in !on&usion. "(hy would she use her &ingers to kiss your mouth?" Beth grinned.
"(ho said anything about my mouth?" # su!ked in my breath as reali1ation reali1ation dawned on me. (ith an audible gulp # shiered. Beth grinned wildly at my rea!tion. As my mind began to &orm a mental
pi!ture, # was startled to &eel a wae o& heat !rash against my lower stoma!h like a tidalwae into the shore. The wae spread south as Beth !ontinued. "*he would rub my breasts with her &ingers, and the palms o& her hands. # had no idea that they were so sensitie9 And then when she$d use her mouth'"
# shut out Beth$s rambling as my mind began to reel. 5y mother$s oi!e e!hoed through my head, "Two men who loe ea!h other physi!ally are !alled gay, and two women who loe ea!h other physi!ally are !alled lesbians....."
"....at &irst she started using 7ust one &inger, but then....."
"ey9 #t$s Beth the lesbian9 ey, my dog$s in heat, ya interested?" # heard the boy at s!hool$s oi!e ring through my ears....
"+h, Em. #t &elt so good. # !ouldn$t walk &or a...."
"They$re a bun!h o& si!kos is what they are....."
"....is !oming here ne0t week."
"(hat?" # asked, my head snapping to look at Beth. 5y thoughts and reerie were shattered in a million pie!es. "(hat did you say?"
"ee1, girl. (here (here did you go?" Beth grinned at me. "# said that )asey is !oming here ne0t week be&ore we start s!hool."
"+h." # &elt my stoma!h drop around my knees.
"# !an$t wait. Eerything happened so &ast that we didn$t een get to say good'bye. # really want you to meet )asey. *he$s great. )an you do something with us? 5aybe we !ould all !at!h a moie or something." Beth looked at me, her eyes hope&ul and alie.
"# don$t know. %arla and # hae plans ne0t week." # regretted the lie as soon as it &lew &rom my mouth, and # !ringed when # saw the hurt spread a!ross Beth$s &a!e.
"+h. Em, it$s only one day da y, an a&ternoon. A !ouple o& hours."
"(hat, a !ouple o& hours is all you want me around &or?" # pouted. # knew # was being !hildish, but !ould not help mysel&. (hoeer said 7ealousy kills the soul was a ery wise person indeed.
"+& !ourse not9" Beth was getting mad, now. "But # &igured with your busy s!hedule and all, a !ouple o& hours was all you$d be able to spare9"
"(ell maybe it is9 6et me !he!k my !alendar9" # 7umped to my &eet. Beth opened her mouth, then !lamped it shut again. *he !losed her eyes and took a deep breath be&ore standing standing and looking me in the eye.
"Em, this is stupid. (hy are we &ighting?" # didn$t hae an answer &or her, so she !ontinued. "# 7ust want you to meet her. ou ou are my best &riend, &riend , and )asey is really important to me. # 7ust want you yo u to like her." h er."
"(hat does it matter i& # like her he r or not? *he$s your you r &riend." # said 4uietly.
"#t 7ust does, Em." *he sear!hed my eyes, desperate &or a sa&e pla!e to hold onto. "+kay?" (ith a tired sigh # relented. # !ould see the &ork in our road 7ust up ahead, and it s!ared me. (hi!h way would we both go?
#t wasn$t long be&ore # met Beth$s $spe!ial$ &riend. #n the days pre!eding )asey$s arrial, all # heard about were the hikes she and Beth had gone on, the day )asey had shown Beth how to sail. ow )asey was heading ba!k to England a&ter the summer to lie with her grandmother and go to s!hool at +0&ord. +n and on until # wanted to s!ream at the top o& my lungs9 The thing # think # hated the most was that )asey a!tually sounded interesting to me. # 7ust didn$t want to admit it to mysel&, and !ouldn$t to Beth.
# wondered around my bedroom taking my time putting away laundry when # heard a !ar making its way down the street, and then Beth s4ueal in delight.
"+h, goodie." # mumbled to mysel&. # walked oer to my window so # !ould sneak a glimpse o& )asey without the pressure o& Beth$s ga1e on me, or her. The large orange and white Ford pi!k' up pulled to the !urb, and s4ueaked to a halt. The drier &ussed with something on the ben!h seat &or a moment as Beth ra!ed around to the drier$s side door. Een &rom this distan!e # !ould see that Beth was almost ibrating with e0!itement. Finally the drier$s door opened and out stepped )asey. *he was beauti&ul. *he was tall, nearly as tall as Beth, with long, golden blonde hair. er ba!k was to me so # !ould not see her &a!e. er body was ery lithe and tan in her !ut'o&& ean shorts and baby'doll tank top. Beth &lew into her arms, and they hugged tightly &or a long minute. # !ouldn$t tear my eyes away as # wat!hed the two embra!e. Finally )asey pulled away. Beth was smiling at her. he r.
"%id you &ind it okay?" she asked.
"es, lu. ou gae me terri&i! dire!tions." # was surprised to hear an a!!ent een though Beth had told me about it. "This is a loely neighborhood. #s your mum home?" )asey said as she walked arm in arm with Beth around the &ront o& the tru!k. As they rea!hed the sidewalk # was able to see her &a!e. er hair was pulled ba!k &rom her &a!e with barrettes on either side o& her head. *he had &inely s!ulpted s!ulpted &eatures, her large brown eyes looked kind with deli!ately ar!hed brows. er smile was a brilliant white against her summer'bron1ed skin.
"-o. *he$s at work, # think. *he$s going out tonight, so we hae the pla!e to ourseles." Beth grinned at her !ompany. )asey said something too low &or me to hear, but whateer it was, it made Beth smile wider with a blush. # gritted my teeth as # &ought the pang o& 7ealousy down. )asey turned and looked at my house, # 4ui!kly du!ked out o& the window.
"#s that Emily$s home?" she asked. # raised a brow in surprise.
"up."
"ow beauti&ul $tis. # !an$t wait to meet her9"
(as this a 7oke? *he wanted to meet me? # snorted at the prospe!t. eah, right. Probably 7ust wants to rub it in my &a!e that she has basi!ally taken my pla!e in Beth$s li&e. # walked ba!k oer to my bed and &inished &olding my laundry. They !ould wait. # !ertainly was in absolutely no hurry to meet )asey whateer her name was.
# stepped out o& the shower and walked oer to the mirror aboe the sink, wiping the towel a!ross its smooth sur&a!e to get rid o& some o& the steam. # s4uee1ed the ends o& my hair with the towel to try and get as mu!h water out o& it as # !ould. 2rabbing the brush o&& the !ounter, # began to run it through the long, water darkened strands, !ombing out the tangles. # stared into my &a!e, ama1ed at how mu!h a person !hanges. 6ooking at all the pi!tures o& mysel& when # was younger was 4uite humbling. # still looked ery young youn g &or my age, and most thought # was still in my early twenties. But all the same, # !ould see the !hanges. Espe!ially in my eyes. 2rowing up, and in my !ollege days, people used to say that my eyes held a !onstant 4uestion, and wonder &or li&e, as i& # was seeing things &or the &irst time. 5y immaturity used to get annoyed at that. But then as # looked into my eyes as an adult, # !ould see how hardened they$d be!ome. -o longer was the wonder and !uriosity present. -o. All that had been repla!ed by suspi!ion and an innate understanding o& human nature with my !hosen !areer. # had seen the best o& man and the worst. #t$s &unny how a person !an !hange.
# opened the bathroom door, door, and was surprised to see 3ebe!!a had already gone to sleep. *he laid on her side, her ba!k to me. # smiled down at her, long, red hair spilling oer to my pillow. # loed the !lean smell, and silky &eel o& it. # sat on the edge o& the bed and wat!hed as she breathed, her body moing slightly with ea!h breath.
# thought ba!k to when we met. # had been out o& law s!hool &or two years, and was working &or some small'time small'time lawyer in Cueens, trying to get on with ames/Parks/*tone. ames/Parks/*tone. Ba!k then being a lawyer meant only money, su!!ess and &ame to me. The thought o& settling down, and be!oming domesti! was an alien thought. A past &illed with betrayal and bad de!isions poisoning any thoughts in that area. But when # ran into 3ebe!!a, literally, at a 6aundromat three miles away &rom my tiny, one bedroom apartment, my li&e and thoughts on the sub7e!t !hanged.
# rea!hed out my hand, and pla!ed it on her hip as # s!ooted under the blanket, and laid behind her, my body pressed to hers. *he moaned so&tly in her sleep, !oering my hand that had slid to her stoma!h, with her own, entwining our &ingers.
"ou okay, baby?" she asked groggily. # raised my head, and pla!ed my !hin on her shoulder. *he s4uee1ed my hand, letting me know she was awake to talk i& # needed to. # thought &or a moment. Then with a sigh, # said,
"#$m nerous about going ba!k."
"(hy?" # sighed again, staring out the dark window a!ross &rom the bed. (hy? (hat a good 4uestion.
"(ell, # guess be!ause # haen$t been ba!k &or so long, and # still hae so mu!h to sort out. # !an$t get Beth out o& my head. *he haunts me."
3ebe!!a turned to her ba!k, and stared up at me as # rested my elbow against the bed, my head in my hand. "(hy, Emily? ou ou really loed her, didn$t you?"
"%oes that bother you?" # asked, laying my other hand on her side.
"5aybe a little. # don$t know. # guess it$s 7ust be!ause # don$t really understand what happened with you two."
# !hu!kled rue&ully. "#n truth, neither do #."
*he !oered my hand with her own, tra!ing the eins in my hand with her &ingertips. "Tell me more about )asey. #t seems that she had a lot to do with things." # nodded slowly.
"*he did."
The late August heat was taking its toll on the !ity as people tried to spend less and less time outside. The newspaper the day be&ore had mentioned the rise in deaths among the elderly as many were su!!umbing to heat stroke, and the weatherman saw no relie& in sight.
# sat on our &ront por!h, the sun'heated !ement burning through the material o& my shorts, and burning my butt. # s4uirmed, but did not moe. # was nerous, and knew i& # stood, # would only start to pa!e, and that was not how # wanted )asey$s &irst time o& meeting me to go. *o # endured the hot seat, and stared out to the street. A group o& boys were riding their u&&y dirt bikes around in the street, playing !ards !lothes pinned to the spokes in the wheels to sound like motor!y!les as they pedaled up and down the neighborhood.
# glan!ed at the -iens$ pla!e as 5oni!a -iens$ pulled noisily noisily into the drie. #t sounded like her blue Bug was about to die. 5y mother told me that she only had a year o& law s!hool to go, then she$d be a &ull'&ledged lawyer. (ell, i& she passed passe d the bar, anyway.
5oni!a pulled a green du&&el out o& the ba!k seat, and then glan!ed oer at me. # smiled and waed, then began be gan to &idget as she walked a!ross the street, !are&ul to stay out o& the way o& the boy$s riding, and stopped at the edge o& our lawn.
"i." she said with a smile. # !ould only smile ba!k. # had been wat!hing this woman in awe &or the last three years. *he was my real li&e hero, and here she was talking to me. Then # noti!ed that she had !ut her hair. *hort.
"ou !ut your hair." # blurted, then wanted to slap mysel& or &ind a deep hole. # must hae sounded so stupid. *he !hu!kled.
"up. *ure did." she nodded, running a hand through the short, bla!k strands. "A lot !ooler, tell you that. 5y mom says you want to be a lawyer."
"es. 5ore than anything." # smiled, &eeling pride pu&& out my !hest. *he smiled ba!k and nodded again.
"2ood. 2ood lu!k to you."
"Thanks. ou, too." she smiled one last time, and turned to head ba!k a!ross the street. # wat!hed her as she walked up her h er drie, and disappeared disapp eared into the house. (ow. # &elt ten &eet tall. *omeone noti!ed my dreams. # was so e0!ited that # barely noti!ed when Beth walked a!ross the lawn.
"ou look happy." she !hu!kled, &ollowing my ga1e a!ross the street only to see the -iens house. *he looked ba!k at me with 4uestioning eyes.
"*he only has a year le&t o& law s!hool." # e0plained, e0plained, but Beth only shrugged, still not getting my e0!itement. # shook my head to dismiss it, then stood. "*o, where$s )asey?" # asked, keeping my oi!e as een as # !ould.
"*he$s !oming. # wanted a &ew minutes o& you to mysel&." Beth smiled, that lop'sided grin that she only gae to me. # smiled ba!k. "# really missed you this summer, Em."
"#$e missed you, too, Beth." # said 4uietly, my heart soaring.
"6ook, # really want to thank you &or doing this &or me today. our opinion means so mu!h to me, Em, and # 7ust want you to meet )asey, and tell me what you think, okay?" Beth asked simply, though her eyes pleaded with me to understand. # smiled, and took her hand.
"+kay." "+kay." she smiled, smiled, ear to ear, and s4uee1ed my &ingers. &ingers. "ou "ou know, # saw you two through my window, and she is beauti&ul, Beth." her &a!e lit up, and she nodded.
"eah, "eah, she is, isn$t she?$
As i& on !ue, out o& the !orner o& my eye # saw )asey walking a!ross Beth$s lawn, and walking toward us, a wide, genuine smile a!ross her &a!e. Beth saw me looking, and dropped my hand and turned to wat!h the blonde walk up to my &ront por!h.
"ello." )asey said, her oi!e light, and ery &eminine. Beth !olored slightly as )asey smiled at her. # swallowed the bitterness in my throat. -o, # promised Beth #$d be ni!e, and do my best. # !ould !ompletely understand how she was so taken with this girl. )asey turned to me and e0tended a long, petite hand. # glan!ed down at it, then took it. "Emily, it is so loely to meet you. # hae heard so ery mu!h about you this summer."
"6ikewise." # said through my plastered smile. er handshake was &irm, but not pain&ul, her !on&iden!e obious in her eery moe. # was ama1ed at how someone !ould be so !on&ident in their beauty and gra!e, yet not &or an instant !ome o&& as arrogant, or boast&ul as %arla o&ten was. This was true se!urity in one$s sel&. # had to admit, # was impressed.
"*o9" )asey !lapped her hands together, together, and looked &rom one to the other o& us. "(hat$s on the agenda &or today? # !an$t wait to see your !ity, and learn more about you, Emily. 5y grandmum$s name is Emily, Emily, you know? #t$s an old &amily &amily name." Beth began to lead us all toward the orange and white tru!k as )asey stayed in step with me, !ommenting on my house, our &lowers, and een the weather. At the !urb, Beth opened the passenger side door &or me. # glan!ed at her 4uestioningly. *he raised her brows, and nodded toward the !ab. +kay. *o # was to be stu!k between the two loe birds. That should proe interesting. # !limbed into the high tru!k, and belted mysel& in. )asey smiled smiled at me as she did the same, slamming slamming the drier$s side door shut as she turned the ignition. # glan!ed oer to see Beth sitting happily by the door, her arm hanging out o& the open window.
"# thought maybe we !ould hit the *tate Fair." she said, looking down at me. "%on$t you think, Em?"
"8h, yeah. #t$s the last weekend and all."
"*ounds like gobs o& &un9" Beth told )asey whi!h way to go, and the blonde skill&ully skill&ully steered the large tru!k onto the street, and we were o&&. Beth was good, and kept the !onersation away &rom anything that would be beyond me, and stayed to sa&er sub7e!ts like s!hool, and )olorado, and we both asked )asey 4uestions about abou t England.
#t did not take us long to rea!h the &air grounds. Beth dire!ted )asey to park in the !hur!h parking lot a!ross the street, and we walked to the main gate. The three o& us stood in line, and # glan!ed around to see i& # saw anyone # knew. Part Part o& me hoped # wouldn$t. wouldn$t. # did not want to e0plain who )asey was. People said enough about Beth as it was.
"*o, Emily," my head snapped to see )asey smiling down at me. # hated being short sometimes. # neer &elt intimidated by Beth$s height, but this girl intimidated the hell out o& me9 "Beth tells me you want to be a lawyer." # glared oer at Beth &or 7ust a se!ond be&ore turning my attention ba!k to her &riend. # smiled and nodded. "+h, was Beth not to tell me that?" she asked, a worried look
!rossing her &eatures as she on!e again looked &rom me to Beth. Beth shrugged her shoulders, and narrowed her eyes at me.
"-o. -ot at all. That$s &ine." # said &inally. Things had started to get un!om&ortable, and the blonde had done nothing wrong. "es. # do. 5ore than anything." )asey turned ba!k to me, with a loely smile. 6oely? # neer use that word9 8gh.
"That is so wonder&ul, lu. # am going to be attending +0&ord 5edi!al, but &or a long time # was torn between the two: +0&ord 5edi!al, or +0&ord 6aw. 5edi!al won out, though, #$m a&raid." she said with a shrug. (e moed &orward as the line moed, and Beth paid &or all o& our ti!kets, mu!h to my disdain, but she insisted.
)asey looked around the grounds seemingly utterly pleased.
"This is all so !harming." she gushed. "ow wonder&ul to hae this in your hometown eery year." (ithout dis!ussion Beth and # automati!ally headed &or the !on!ourse to get our ride arm bands. )asey &ollowed our lead, and let the man snap her neon pink band on, and smiled at us both. "(hat shall we ride &irst, girls?" she asked, staring at all the rides that surrounded us.
"# wanna do the ipper9" Beth e0!laimed. # glan!ed oer at the ride, the small !oered !ars that held people &lopping eery whi!h way, and shook my head.
"8n uh. -o way. ou ou know # won$t go upside down, Beth." # said, glaring. *he grinned at me.
"*till a !hi!ken, Em?" she asked with a raised brow.
"Absolutely." # stated. )asey !hu!kled.
"#$m a&raid #$m with Emily on this one, lu." she said, pla!ing her hand on Beth$s shoulder. Beth looked disappointed.
"+kay, okay. (e !an skip it."
"Absolutely not9" )asey said, walking o&& toward the ride. Beth looked oer at me, and # shrugged. (hat was she doing9? -o way was # getting getting on that thing. # had managed to aoid it &or the past &i&teen years, and had lied 4uite a &ine li&e. "2o on then, Beth. (e$ll wait &or you." Beth looked at the long line, and shook her head.
"-ah. #$ll do it later. The line$s really long, and'"
"2o." )asey said, her eyes narrowed, one long arm pointing. (ithout another word, Beth headed toward the line o& people. # stared at the blonde in ama1ement. # had neer seen anyone get Beth to do anything on!e she$d set her mind to it. Een # had a tough time.
"ow$d you do that?" # asked, in!redulous.
"(hat?" )asey asked, leading us toward a near'by ben!h. (e sat.
"Beth is one o& the most stubborn people # hae eer known in my entire li&e." # said, glan!ing oer at my &riend, then ba!k to the blonde who was grinning.
"*he is, isn$t she?" we both laughed. "es, well, t$isn$t ery easy, but # am 4uite persistent, and mu!h more stubborn than she is." she turned to me and winked. # grinned ba!k.
"*o, what made you de!ide to go into medi!ine instead o& law?"
)asey turned to me, and we began the most intense, interesting dis!ussion about law, and the good and bad o& it in the 8nited *tates. *he was in!redibly insight&ul, and een e0plained some o& the pra!ti!es o& Europe. # wat!hed her as she talked, wat!hed how she moed, and suddenly it dawned on me. *he and # were a lot alike. (e thought mu!h the same way, and saw things mu!h the same way, espe!ially where law and politi!s were !on!erned. # !ould hae easily imagined her in a !ourt room, standing be&ore the members making her summation, and !onin!ing all present o& her !ase. *he had !harisma, intelligen!e, and the inno!ent &a!e o& an angel.
As # wat!hed her talk, # reali1ed reali1ed that though she$d de!ided on medi!ine, she$d be 7ust as good at that. er likability was immense, as well as her obious !ompassion and kindness. *he told me o& her mother$s dying &rom 5*, and how she had stayed by her bedside, working with the do!tors and nurses, learning their trade, and the thought o& being able to help someone lie, be the &or!e behind their surial, surial, or help their death$s be as painless painless as possible, possible, had been her determining &a!tor. &a!tor. # saw what Beth saw, saw, and # understood. 5y anger and 7ealousy with Beth dissipated with ea!h word )asey spoke, and ea!h tou!h o& my arm or knee as she e0plained something, or to emphasi1e emphasi1e a point. *he was an in!redible in!redible human being, and # &elt honored to hae been able to meet and talk to her. # &elt at pea!e.
8ntil # !aught them by the bathrooms.
# wat!hed as 3ebe!!a slept, her &eature still and pea!e&ul. er breathing was een and regular, regular, so # laid down ne0t to her on my ba!k, my arms oer my head. #nstin!tiely #nstin!tiely she !uddled !uddled up ne0t to me, her head resting upon my breast, arm a!ross my stoma!h. # rea!hed down and absently ran my &ingertips oer the smooth skin o& her &orearm as # stared up at the dark !eiling.
A&ter a long a&ternoon o& going horse &rom s!reaming on rides like the Ar!ti! E0press, the *ea %ragon, and Bumper )ars, we all de!ided to get some lun!h. Baskets o& !heeseburgers and &ries in hand, we &ound a spot o& grass under the shade o& some tall trees. (e laughed and 7oked, o!!asionally o!!asionally throwing throwing a &ry or two, mostly )asey and # ganging up on Beth. *he neer got mad: she 7ust got een.
"ou wouldn$t. -o, Beth, please, no9" # !ried out as the !old water &rom Beth$s !up spilled oer my head, and ran down my &a!e and ne!k. The !hunks o& i!e settled ni!ely ni!ely in my bra and in my lap. Beth tossed the !up into a near'by trash !an with a triumphant smile as she plopped down on the grass again. # glared at her &rom under sopping bangs. "# !annot beliee you did that. ou are eil, Beth. %o you know that?"
"up." she grinned, leaning ba!k on her hands. )asey glan!ed &rom one to the other with a bewildered smile on her &a!e.
"# !an$t beliee you 7ust did that to your best &riend, lu." she breathed, taking in my wet T'shirt, and shorts.
"# warned her not to throw that &ry."
"(ell yes, but," one look at Beth told )asey all she needed to know. "(ell, perhaps # should wat!h mysel& then." Beth winked at her.
(e managed to &ind a bathroom near the Bud tent, and # hurried in to try and dry as mu!h o& mysel& as # !ould. The day was hot, and the water had a!tually &elt good, but wearing a wet, white shirt was not high on my list o& top priorities in li&e. # smiled and shook my head as # stared at mysel& in the mirror. # had no !omb with me, and did # eer need one. # ran my &ingers through the tangled strands as best # !ould be&ore pulling it all ba!k into a tail. (ith one &inal glan!e, # walked out o& the bathroom into the late a&ternoon heat again. Beth and )asey were not where they had been when #$d gone in. %rawing my brows, # looked around when # heard a low giggle !oming &rom behind the building that ba!ked up to a dark alley made up o& trailers &rom big rigs and tents. # &ollowed the noise, and stopped !old. Beth was pushed up against the side o& a green trailer, )asey pressed against her, their hands roaming as they kissed passionately passionately. # !ould only stare, not sure what to think. 5y eyes darted down to Beth$s hand as she rea!hed down and !upped one side o& the blonde$s butt, pulling their bodies !loser together. )asey moaned so&tly.
# wanted to leae, to 7ust walk away and pretend # had seen nothing, but # !ould not moe. Beth had told me about the nature o& her relationship with )asey, but deep down # had not belieed it, had tried to see )asey as 7ust a &riend o& Beth$s, and no more. But then it was be&ore my eyes in liing liing !olor. -o pretending on that one. Beth and )asey were loers. Then that meant that Beth was, that Beth was....
# turned and walked out o& that darkened alley, alley, and headed ba!k toward the !rowds that bustled about, wanting to be with them, be where # understood, and &elt !om&ortable. # stood 7ust at the edge o& the main'beaten path, my arms !rossed oer my !hest as # tried to !at!h my breath. # &elt a hand gently lay on my shoulder, but did not turn toward the owner.
"Em. Em, please look at me." # !ouldn$t. !ouldn$t. # shook my head, and looked down at my sandals. "Em, please." Beth$s oi!e was so&t, and somewhat shaky. "#$m sorry. ou weren$t meant to see that." # swallowed ba!k my sho!k.
"#t$s okay, Beth." # whispered. "-ot a big deal."
# !ould &eel her eyes on me as she studied me, weighing my words against what she knew o& me. Finally she spoke, lightly s4uee1ing my shoulder.
"# guess we kinda need to talk when we get home, huh."
"#& you want to, Beth. (e don$t need to. # understand."
"%o you?"
# &inally glan!ed up at her, saw the tortured look in those blue eyes. # smiled a bit. %id #? -o. -ot really.
"# don$t know. # think #$m a little !on&used right now." she nodded.
"Fair enough."
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP* 5A)K9
# sat up with a groan. # hated that damn alarm !lo!k. (ith red, heay eyes # looked around our dark room. #sn$t the sun supposed to be up by, # glan!ed at the !lo!k, &our in the morning? +h, god. # plopped ba!k into the pillows.
"(hat time is it?" 3ebe!!a mumbled as she !uddled up against me, her warm breath ti!kling my ne!k.
"Early. "Early. Entirely too early." # answered, running my &ingers through her hair. h air.
"# thought so." she muttered. *he hugged my side tighter as # !ontinued to stroke her hair, whi!h !ould nearly hypnoti1e her. *he sighed !ontentedly. "ou know you$re going to gie me a &ro i& you keep doing that." she mumbled nearly unintelligible into my ne!k. # !hu!kled, and kissed the top o& her head. "(e$re supposed to get up about now, aren$t we?"
"up." # breathed with a sigh. *he groaned again, but pushed hersel& up so that she lay oer me, her weight supported by her arms.
"ow are you this morning, baby?" she asked, brushing a &ew stray strands away &rom my &a!e. # rubbed small !ir!les into her ba!k.
"#$m okay. %idn$t sleep mu!h last night."
"*weetie." she whispered, leaning down to gently kiss me. # hugged her to me, needing to &eel her warmth and strength.
# had tried to lighten up the mood o& the day as best # !ould, but by time we rea!hed Beth$s house, the day was lost. Both Beth and )asey were un!hara!teristi!ally 4uiet. They did not tou!h ea!h other, or really look at ea!h other. # may hae been totally !on&used about how # &elt, but # did not want them to hae to &eel they had to walk on egg shells around me. #t was my problem to &igure out, and # !ould be adult enough to do it.
)asey !ut the engine o& the tru!k, and we all sat in the tru!k &or a &ew moments, no one saying a word. # held my breath, not sure what would happen ne0t. Finally Beth broke the silen!e.
"Em, !ome with me." she opened her door, and helped me get out o& the massie !ab, then lead me down the street. # knew where we were going, and walked along side her, both basking in the early eening bree1e that had started to ease the heat o& the day.
"# had &un today, Beth." # said as we turned onto the path that would lead us to the Bowl. *he turned to me with a partial smile and nodded.
"5e, too."
(e went to our regular spot, and both plopped down onto the ro!k lip o& the !reek. # stayed 4uiet as # !ould almost hear the thoughts whirling around Beth$s mind. *he 7ust needed a moment to !olle!t them and &ind a good pla!e to start.
"ou know, lately #$e been thinking a lot about things. ow di&&erent we are &rom when we were kids." she turned to me with that !rooked grin # loed so mu!h. "3emember when we were like eleen or twele, and we went !amping with Billy?"
"eah." "eah." # smiled. "(e had &un."
"es we did." Beth pi!ked a hand&ul o& ro!ks, and one by one began to toss them into the still water, !ausing ripples to spread s pread out, and eentually disappear. "3emember when # asked a sked you i& we$d still be &riends when we got older?" # nodded, wat!hing the light boun!e oer the tiny waes.
"# said we$d be &riends &oreer." # mumbled absently.
"%o you still beliee that?"
# looked oer at her &or a short minute, 7ust taking in how she looked at that moment: the dying rays o& the sun had somehow managed to !ome down &rom the eaens and !apture all that was Beth. #t$s brilliant light brought out the red highlights in her dark hair, the bree1e pi!king up strands, holding them out to !reate a halo o& gold around her &a!e. *he was beauti&ul. # stared into her eyes, and nodded with a smile. *he smiled ba!k.
"# hope so." she turned ba!k to the water and !ontinued to throw her ro!ks. "ou know, you really weren$t supposed to see that today. #$m sorry. Things 7ust kind o& got out o& hand." # !hu!kled 4uietly.
"#t happens, # guess." # !ouldn$t help but think ba!k to that night during -ew ear$s. Apparently she had not &orgotten about it, either.
"# think we already &ound that out, though, didn$t we?" # turned and met her ga1e, and nodded. (e both smiled: a se!ret smile that only we knew the answer to.
"*o, you$re really into girls, huh?" she nodded without hesitation.
")ompletely." she turned and stared oer the tree tops as the sun disappeared altogether. "# think # always knew, 7ust didn$t know the words to sa y, you know?" she turned ba!k to me.
"# think # always knew, too."
(e hurried around the house to make sure that we had eerything, eerything, and that *imon had enough &ood and water to last &or a &ew days, and hurried out to the garage to load up the Path&inder.
The early morning air was bone !hillingly !old as 3ebe!!a pulled out o& our neighborhood, and got us heading out to 6a 2uardia Airport. # sipped &rom my trael mug o& !o&&ee as # stared out the side window, wat!hing the dark shops pass until we hit the &reeway, and then saw nothing but !ement bridges, and street lights along with the small &low o& tra&&i! that ebbed around us. #n another hour or so these streets would be pa!ked with people !ommuting to work. Een on a *aturday. # listened as my loer talked about her Biology ## !lass, and a student she had that she suspe!ted was a lesbian, and struggling with it.
"#t$s hard being young." # said. #sn$t that the truth.
Three days be&ore Beth and # were to start high s!hool, )asey le&t to &ly home. Early in the a&ternoon be&ore she le&t, she !ame to my house, and asked me to walk with her. # gladly a!!epted.
(e strolled down our street, and turned toward the neighborhood park, all the while she asked me di&&erent 4uestions about !ertain houses that !aught her eye, or asked who the &amily walking on the sidewalk on the opposite side o& the street was. Finally we hit the park, and headed toward the swings.
"#$m so glad # !ame here." she said 4uietly 4u ietly,, wat!hing some birds play in a near'by tree.
"5e, too." # said with a smile, whi!h she returned.
"Beth spoke so highly o& you, # !ouldn$t wait to meet you. ou don$t know how deeply she loes and alues you, Emily. #t$s 4uite e0traordinary the &riendship the two o& you share at su!h a young age." *he was 4uiet &or a moment, then spoke again, her oi!e low, serious. "Emily, # &ear Beth will go through a great struggle in the ne0t &ew years. # on!e knew a girl g irl like her in high s!hool. (anda, (anda, was her name. *ure on the outside, but not so sure on the inside." she looked at me to make sure # was paying attention. # hung on her eery word. "(anda killed hersel& during our 7unior year. # suppose why #$m telling you this is be!ause Beth is young. *he &ound who she really is at a young age, and will be ery alone &or awhile. *he is strong, but Emily, please don$t gie up on her. *tay by her side, and support her."
"# always hae." # said 4uietly. 4uietly. *he smiled, and gently ge ntly tapped my !hin with a &inger.
"# know. ou and your &amily hae helped her through so mu!h. 6ord knows that mother o& hers is a !omplete hag." she hopped o&& the swing, and rea!hed &or my hand. (e walked around the park &or a bit, hand in hand. ")an # write to you sometimes?" # looked up at her and smiled.
"eah. "eah. #$d like that."
"2reat. 5e, too." she stopped us, and leaned down to plant a small kiss on my !heek. "#t was a pleasure to meet you, Emily. Emily. %o take !are o& yoursel&." yo ursel&."
"# will. ou, too, okay?"
"%id you eer hear &rom her again?" 3ebe!!a asked, as we waited at a stop light. # glan!ed glan!ed oer at her, and nodded.
"eah. *he wrote o&& and on &or about two years, then not a word. -eer knew what happened to her, or where she ended up."
(e sat at our gate, our two !arry'on !arry'on bags at our &eet. 3ebe!!a worked worked on some papers that she had to grade, and didn$t want to hae to worry about oer the weekend, and # stared out the huge windows into the early morning that was still dark. # stared at my re&le!tion in the window, my image ha1y and double edged.
(ith a sigh # glan!ed down at the book # had brought, but sighed again as # !ould not !on!entrate on the words or the story, haing read the page # was on three times already. # stared out the window again.
5y eyes opened, and # blinked seeral times as the bright, early morning light streamed in through my !urtains, and into my eyes.
8gh.D # muttered, as # glan!ed oer at the !lo!k a!ross the room. #t was almost seen. Time to get up. The &irst day o& high s!hool. As the thought entered my mind, # &elt a wae o& e0!itement and neres &ill me. (ith strong resole, # slid my legs oer the side o& the bed, and planted my &eet on the &loor, then tried to remember what it had been that had woken me up in the &irst pla!e. (ith drawn brows, # walked oer to the window, and looked down to &ind my aunt$s !ar in the drie. (hat on earth was she doing here so early? *houldn$t *houldn$t she be at work? (ith a shrug, # let the !urtains &all ba!k into pla!e, and headed &or the !loset.
As a Freshman, # had to make a statement on the &irst day: let those upper !lassmen know who they were dealing with. # &rowned as # pondered this. ust who were they dealing with? Emily Thomas, Freshman e0traordinare. But then, why should they !are about that? %arla$s words boun!ed around in my head, then # reali1ed that %arla was &ull o& shit. Beth was right. # 7ust wanted to be me.
# pi!ked out a pair o& !om&ortable blue 7eans, and a plain, white sleeeless top. -ot too &lashy, not too boring. #n all honesty, honesty, # did not want to sti!k out. (ell, (ell, not yet, anyway. 6et a girl get used to her surroundings, &irst.
Feeling Feeling pretty good with my long, blonde hair pulled ba!k into a tight tail, my ba!kpa!k hanging &rom one shoulder, # made my way down the stairs, and into the kit!hen where my mom and Kitty
sat at the table and talked 4uietly oer !o&&ee. The !onersation seemed serious as their heads were nearly pushed together, nose to nose.
# stood in the doorway and wat!hed them &or a se!ond, waiting &or one o& them to spot me, and tell me whether # !ould go in or not. # did not want to interrupt one o& their in&amous, top'se!ret talks. -o one bothered, so # had to resort to my own methods.
# !leared my throat so&tly, to no aail. #t must be serious. # !leared it again, a bit louder. *till no go.
Ahem9D Ahem9D 5y mother looked looked up &irst, &irst, Aunt Kitty Kitty looking away as she wiped one o& her eyes with a napkin, then looked up at me. # smiled as sweetly as # !ould. 8h, sorry to bother you. ou looked so intent on your !onersation and all,D
+h, honey. #$m sorry.D 5y mother said, rea!hing &or me. # drew my brows in !on&usion, but went to her to &ind mysel& being engul&ed in a monster, one'armed hug. #s eerything okay?D # asked, pulling away, and looking down at them both. Kitty smiled, but # !ould tell she$d been !rying. er normally bright green eyes were dull and bloodshot.
eah. eah. Eerything$s &ine.D 5y mother said brightly. (ant (ant some break&ast, bre ak&ast, baby?D
-ah.D # muttered, heading oer to the &ridge &or my lun!h that # had pa!ked the night be&ore.
Are you sure, honey? ou hae to eat something, Emmy. *ome toast?D # shook my head. An egg?D again, shook my head. A bagel?D
#$m &ine. #$ll take something with me.D #n truth my stoma!h was in knots, and # was in no way shape or &orm hungry. # 7ust wanted to get the day oer with , and get home in one pie!e. # poured mysel& a small glass o& orange 7ui!e, and sipped it as # leaned against the !ounter and stared at them as they stared ba!k.
# !an$t beliee my baby$s all grown up and in high s!hool now.D 5y mother said, her eyes beginning to &ill. *he grabbed a napkin and dabbed at the !orner o& her eye.
# know. # remember when Billy started.D Aunt Kitty said, sipping &rom her !o&&ee. *he took a deep breath, then stood. # better get going, Frankie.D *he said to my mother. *he was the only person on the planet who !ould get away with !alling Fran!is Thomas Frankie, and liing to tell the tale. *he leaned down and gae my mom a hug, then turned to me. (ant a ride, kiddo?D A wide grin spread a!ross my &a!e.
eah9D eah9D arriing on my &irst day in a !ar as opposed oppo sed to a bus? ell, yeah. yea h. )an Beth !ome, too?D
)ourse.D *he turned ba!k to my mom. #$ll !all you later and let you know what # &ound out, okay?D
+kay. Talk to you later, honey.D
Aunt Kitty turned ba!k to me with one o& her winning smiles, and lead the way to the &ront &ron t door.
# was happy to see that 3ebe!!a and # had the three seats to ourseles. # hated being s4uished between 3ebe!!a and some stranger. 5y loer always wanted the window seat, and that was &ine with me as # usually slept on the plane, anyway.
(e got ourseles as !om&ortable as one !ould get in a big metal &lying tube, and # settled in &or a good nap. # listened with !losed eyes as the pilots prepped the plane &or take o&&, and the &olks around us got settled into their seats, the oerhead !ompartments !losing with a 4uiet !li!k. # took a deep breath as the reali1ation o& where we were headed stole oer me on!e again. # thought about -ora *ayers. (as she still een alie? # had not talked to her, nor heard anything about her in at least a do1en years. #& she was still there, # wondered i& we$d see her at the &uneral. (as im *ayers going to trael a!ross the !ountry to be there? e hadn$t when Beth had been a !hild, so # !ould not imagine what would wou ld make him !hange. This was not going to be easy. ea sy.
Aunt Kitty$s Kitty$s !ar droe up to the &ront o& our high s!hool, and # peered out at it. #t was a large red bri!k building, at least &our stories high. #t was an old s!hool, one o& the oldest in the !ity. 6arge, dark windows stared ba!k at me. For 7ust a moment # imagined # saw &a!es in those windows, staring at me, si1ing me up. #t was a silly thought, # reali1ed, but # was s!ared. (ith a deep breath, # opened the !ar door. door. Aunt Kitty Kitty stopped me with a hand on my arm. # turned to look at her.
ey, you$ll do &ine, kiddo. ou need anything, you don$t be a&raid to !all, okay?D # nodded, and with an air o& !on&iden!e that # absolutely abso lutely did not &eel, # !limbed out o& the !ar &ollowed by my best &riend.
Beth and # walked toward the large building, my aunt$s !ar disappearing &rom sight as we passed through the throng o& other kids. 2roups, !ouples, singles, any possible !ombination. # was so glad to hae Beth at my side. Part o& me wanted to grab her hand. # glan!ed oer at her to see her looking around, gauging people as she went. # was impressed. *he a!tually looked how # wanted to &eel. *he always looked how # wanted to &eel.
Are you nerous, Em?D she asked out o& the side o& her mouth.
up.D # muttered ba!k. ba! k. ou?D
ell yeah.D yeah.D *he said, smiling smiling at some girl who walked by. # narrowed my eyes and looked up at her. er eyes were looking around, her body !alm and rela0ed. *he looked like she didn$t hae a !are in the world.
ou$re kidding me, right?D # asked, stopping us 7ust outside o& the &ront double doors. *he shook her head.
-o. #$m not. # want to get the hell out o& here.D # grinned, and lightly pun!hed her in the shoulder, then moed us on.
igh s!hool is thought as this big, bad monster to anyone who has not been there. As an elementary student, the aerage high s!hool student appears to be like some sort o& anomaly, as
there were only !hildren, and then there were adults. -o way was there anything between these sa!red positions.
As a student o& middle s!hool, the high s!hool student be!omes a god or goddess, be!ause they hae done the ultimate. They hae le&t !hildhood, yet are not the enemy as the adult is. They are something to emulate, and want to be.
-ow that # was the high s!hool student, # reali1ed 7ust how s!rewed up my way o& thinking had been. Being a teenager was not all that it had been !ra!ked up to be. #n other words, being a teen was hard9 5y &reshman year was a month old when # got some bad news.
*aturday$s in my house were pretty mu!h all the same. # would awake to loud musi! blaring &rom the stereo in the liing room, generally 2eorge *trait trying to persuade some naNe young woman that he loed her. %idn$t matter the sele!tion, be!ause no matter what it was, my mother would help the singer along by adding her own high'pit!hed, o&&'key o!als.
#n theory this pra!ti!e was simply be!ause my mother liked her musi!, and liked it loud. At seen' thirty in the morning? 3ight. #n realisti! terms, this early morning !on!ert was to get me and Billy$s butts out o& bed to keep her !ompany, or help with the house work. At that point my brother was gone, so only # was priy to the serenade. A&ter awhile # got real good at tuning it out. But one *aturday in +!tober, # awoke &rom the silen!e.
# raised my head, and looked around my room, &o!using on the pile o& !lothes laying on the &loor, then rubbed the sleep out o& my eyes. # pulled on a pair o& sweats, as the !old +!tober morning met my bare legs, and slipped into my slippers, and headed out o& my room. # stood at the top o& the stairs, listening. # held my breath so # !ould hear better: nothing. #& # didn$t know better, # would hae thought no one was home. 3unning a hand through wild blonde lo!ks, # slowly des!ended the stairs until # hit the main &loor. The liing room was 7ust as it had been the night be&ore, the only indi!ation indi!ation that anyone had been up this morning was the newspaper that sat, still rolled, in the re!liner by the door. # looked oer to my right and looked into the kit!hen. kit!hen. # !ould 7ust barely see my mother$s so!ked &eet &rom around the !orner. # drew my brows and headed in that dire!tion.
5om?D # asked as # stood in the kit!hen doorway. *he sat at the table, one hand on her &orehead, the other &ingering the tea bag on the sau!er ne0t to her !o&&ee !up. *he glan!ed at me with her eyes at the sound o& my oi!e. (ith a small smile, she be!koned me to her.
)ome here, honey.D *he said, her oi!e nasal and thi!k. *he$d been !rying.
(hat$s wrong?D # asked, as # took a tentatie step toward her be&ore heading straight into her outstret!hed arm. *he pulled me to her, her head against my stoma!h as she wrapped her arms around my waist. # pla!ed my hands on her shoulders, and stared down at her, my heart beating wildly in my !hest as &ear gripped me. #s dad okay?D # asked. *he nodded, but said nothing. Billy? #s he hurt, did he'
-o, honey. #t$s not your brother. e$s &ine. %ad$s &ine.D *he sighed, and pushed me gently away, nodding toward the !hair ne0t to hers. # sat and waited e0pe!tantly. *he took a deep breath, and began to speak.
our aunt started noti!ing some problems about si0 months ago, and let it go. *he neer went to a do!tor until about a month ago. ae you noti!ed how mu!h weight Kitty has lost?D
eah. eah. # thought she was on another o& her he r !ra1y diets. # grinned. 5y mother !hu!kled so&tly.
*he has been on some wild ones, hasn$t she? 3emember the only !orn diet?D we both laughed as we remembered that een still my aunt would not tou!h !orn a&ter only eating that &or &ie weeks. But, no that$s not the problem. *he started to get some bad heada!hes that nothing would ki!k, and she is !onstantly !onstan tly tired. *he &inally went to the do!tor, and they &ound that she has h as !hroni! kidney &ailure.D # drew ba!k in surprise and !on&usion. (hat was that? 5y mother !ould read my 4uestion, and !ontinued. Aunt Kitty$s kidneys are working at about twenty'&ie per!ent o& where they should be. This has been going on &or years, ye ars, but she had no symptoms, so had no idea.D
#s this bad?D # asked, my oi!e weak. 5y mother nodded.
es. 3ight now they hae things basi!ally under !ontrol, but it keeps getting worse eery time she goes in. The drugs they hae her on 7ust won$t seem to stop it or slow it down. They are going to start her on dialysis ne0t week.D
# !ould &eel my heart sink. # had heard that term be&ore, and knew that it wasn$t good. True, people !ould surie on dialysis &or years, but in the early eighties, medi!ine was not as adan!ed. # !ould only stare. (hat does that mean &or her, mom? ow did she get this?D # breathed.
(ell,D she took another deep breath and sipped &rom her tea. They want to see how this goes &or a bit, then they may hae to look into transplants. And, she was born with it. #t was 7ust neer !aught until now.D
# sat ba!k in my !hair, !hair, and stared out the window oer the sink. Aunt Aunt Kitty was &ar too young &or this sort o& thing. *he was only in her late twenties somewhere. # was neer sure 7ust e0a!tly how old she was. But sure as hell too young &or kidney &ailure. # turned ba!k to my mother.
*o is this why Aunt Kitty was here so early the day we started s!hool?D she nodded. (hat does 3on say about this?D
(ell, (ell, he$s upset, but !an$t always be here. Aunt Kitty Kitty may hae to stay here with us o&& and on, honey. The Air For!e sends 3on all oer the pla!e, so she$ll be alone a lot. # don$t want her to be while she$s going through this. (e$ll 7ust make up a room &or her in Billy$s old o ld room. #$ll need your help, Emmy.D
+& !ourseD # e0!laimed. # would neer leae Aunt Kitty alone.D 5y mother smiled at me, and patted my hand that rested on the table.
(ant some break&ast, honey?D # thought about that &or a moment, and nodded.
# guess.D 5y mother started to get up, but # stopped stopp ed her. -o. Break&ast is on me this morning.D
# thought a lot about abou t my aunt, and how # &elt about her !ondition. Aunt Kitty had always seemed so strong, so young, so utterly untou!hable by anything bad. The news o& her illness de&initely put a dent in how # &elt about li&e, li&e, and about humans. (ith 7ust the snap o& the &ingers, &ingers, anything !ould happen. As # walked through the halls o& my high s!hool, # looked around at the all the li&e around me, reali1ing that there were no !ertainties. -o promise that !ould not be broken. -o one untou!hable. # think in that moment, # grew up some, some o& the inno!ents and naNe outlook o& !hildhood shedding like a se!ond skin. # also reali1ed that # wasn$t going to like the transition &rom !hild to adult ery mu!h.
As the year progressed # began to !on!entrate &ully on my studies, determined as always to do my ery best. As my &o!us !hanged, so did my &riends. %arla -ewman and # did not hang out mu!h, but # &ound a new group o& a!ademi!'oriented students who$s only goal in s!hool was to re!eie the highest grades, and !on4uer the most a!ademi! !lubs. By the end o& my Freshman year, # had been on the honor roll eery semester, and had re!eied an award &or per&e!t attendan!e, as well as being in onor *o!iety, the English !lub, FB6A, and eery adan!ed !lass that # was allowed to take. 6i&e was good.
Beth had immediately gone to &ind out about the s!hool$s %rama program, led by 5s. Andy (hite, a young, beauti&ul re!ent !ollege grad, who was determined to whip the nearly non'e0istent department into shape. The old tea!her, 5r. 5uller, had been on the erge o& retiring &or almost ten years, and had not !ared one way or the other. *o, 5s. (hite had her work !ut out &or her.
+kay, Em. ou gotta tell me i& this is belieable or not,D # sat on the dry, winter'browned grass in the park near our neighborhood, where Beth was rehearsing &or the new play about to start in three weeks. *he played the play$s illain, -adine Kidd, and was shot at the end o& the show. # wat!hed on as she looked looke d at an imaginary !hara!ter, saying her lines &lawlessly as # supplied the lines o& the person she talked to as # read o&& her s!ript. Beth put so mu!h into her role, # a!tually &elt a !hill run down my spine in &ear &rom her psy!hoti! part.
ou won$t get away with it, -adine.D # said, glan!ing up at her. *he glared at the air in &ront o& her.
-o? ust wat!h meD she hissed, and tried to walk past the hero.
Bam9D # yelled out into the !old, 4uiet a&ternoon. a&ternoon. Beth grabbed at her !hest, a look o& utter pain and surprise in her blue eyes. *he &ell to her knees, the hand that did not grip the imaginary wound rea!hing out &or the other !hara!ter.
(hy?D she breathed, as she &ell &lat on her &a!e, and remained still. # wat!hed her in awe. ow had she gotten so good? (ith a wide smile, # stood and !lapped. Beth rolled rolled oer and smiled up at me. ou like?D she asked, and # nodded igorously.
E0!ellent. ad me &ooled.D Beth rea!hed her hand up, and # grabbed it to help her stand.
)ool.D *he took the s!ript &rom me and read it oer to make sure she had eerything.
our our !hara!ter is su!h a lunati!.D # laughed as we began to head toward the swings. *he glan!ed oer at me and smiled.
# know. #sn$t it great? *he is su!h a hoot to play, too. # loe being !ra1y.D
ey, what was that you said on!e about being type'!ast?D Beth looked down at me as we walked, and stu!k her tongue out.
Beth not only starred as the illain, but also !o'wrote, and assistant dire!ted the thing. *he had !ertainly &ound her ni!he, and 5s. (hite had &ound her helper &or the ne0t &our years.
+pening night !ame be&ore we knew it, and # !ould tell that Beth was nerous as she pa!ed ba!k and &orth in my bedroom as # got ready. er mother had disappeared &or two days with her newest boy&riend, boy&riend, so she had no way o& getting to the s!hool. 5y mother had always supported Beth in whateer she did, so she would take us, and stay to wat!h the show.
+kay,D Beth whispered, haing a !onersation with hersel& it seemed. *he stared o&& into spa!e as she pa!ed, her hands running through her hair, or burying themseles into her pant$s po!kets, or waing dramati!ally through the air as she mumbled, and rambled on like a !ra1y person.
# sat at my mirror, and gae my hair the last &inishing tou!hes, glan!ing at her re&le!tion o&& and on as she passed by. by. Beth had always been that way when it !ame to her art. *ometimes *ometimes # thought she$d run a bare trail in the !arpet as she !on!entrated. That night was a big one &or her, showing
the world, well, the s!hool anyway, how well she !ould a!t, dire!t and write all in one shot. # knew in my gut that she would blow them all away, leaing them begging &or more. # 7ust with she had that !on&iden!e in her own abilities.
# stood &rom the &loor, dressed in a long skirt, and shirt with a sweater oer it. #t was a !old night in -oember. # wat!hed her &or a moment be&ore # got her attention by !alling her name. *he glan!ed up at me, looking like she had &orgotten that # was een there.
#t$s time.D # said happily. *he let out a long breath and nodded.
# sat in that dark theater and wat!hed with unimaginable unimaginable pride as my best &riend pran!ed a!ross that stage, looking bold, unbelieably intimidating in her part as a ruthless illain, and utterly beauti&ul. +er the past year Beth had &illed out, her body !at!hing up with her long legs, and lanky &eatures. -ow she !arried hersel& with pride, and a non!halan!e that made you stop and wat!h her go. er &eatures were !hiseled, her he r eyes burning an in!redible in!andes!ent in!and es!ent blue b lue that !ould burn with 7ust one look. er hair was long, bla!k and shiny. *he had gotten away somewhat &rom the pra!ti!e o& wearing baseball !aps all the time. *he had threatened to !ut her hair at times, but # would$e been surprised i& she would hae. *he was striking.
# glan!ed around me to see other$s rea!tions to the show, and espe!ially Beth who took that stage, and made it her own. # knew her like no one else there, and at &irst # !ould tell that she had been terri&ied. er eyes wondered o&ten to &ind me sitting in the ery &irst row. But as the show went on, she gained momentum, momen tum, and had not tried to &ind me &or some time. *he was at home up there.
ou know what # like about the stage the most?D # had shaken my head. # !an go up there, lose mysel& in my !hara!ter, and their problem, and &orget my own, knowing that whateer is happening to my !hara!ter !hara!ter,, by the end o& the thing, eerything eerything will be okay. okay. There$s nothing like it.D
The last s!ene o& the play, and Beth$s -adine was &ighting with the lead, %ylon, played by )ollin Adams. is gun was out, and with a dea&ening bang that e!hoed throughout the auditorium, Beth &ell to her knees, rea!hing &or him as he took a step ba!k. *he &alls, her last breath !oming !oming loud and strong be&ore all is 4uiet. As the red !urtain began to !lose, # !ould &eel my eyes stinging with the unshed tears. Ama1ing. *he was utterly ama1ing.
Pride surged through me on!e again as # stood with the other members o& the audien!e, and !lapped &or all # was worth. The !urtain opened again, and the more minor !hara!ters ran out onto the stage to take a bow, &ollowed by more important !hara!ters, &inally )ollin Adams, and last, but !ertainly not least to this audien!e, Beth *ayers. The !lapping was wild, interla!ed interla!ed with shouts and whistles. Beth smiled &rom ear to ear, her &a!e &lushed with e0!itement. er eyes s!anned the !rowd &or a moment, then settled on me, and # tried to tell her eerything that # !ould in that look as our eyes lo!ked &or 7ust a moment when she stepped ba!k to allow the dire!tor, Andy (hite, to step out on the apron o& the stage. The tea!her rea!hed ba!k, and grabbed Beth$s hand, pulling her out &ront with her, and raising their 7oined hands as they bowed together.
# looked oer to my mother who looked as proud as she would had Beth been her own daughter. *he leaned oer to me.
-ora -ora *ayer *ayerss shoul shouldd hae hae been been here here to see see this this.D .D *he *he whispe whispere red. d. # nodded nodded.. That That was in!redible9D
5y eyes opened, and # &ound that we were still &lying through the air, headed &or )olorado. # had no !lue where we were, or how &ar into the &light we were. +nly that # was si!k o& it, and really, really wanted to &eel the ground below my &eet.
# glan!ed oer at 3ebe!!a to see that she had also nodded o&&, her unread maga1ine still open on the tray in &ront o& her. # took a deep breath, and unbu!kled my seatbelt, headed to the tiny bathroom.
The door !li!ked behind me, and # stared into the small mirror aboe the een smaller sink, and mareled at how the strange, bluish light !ould warp my &eatures. 3unning a hand through my hair, # thought o& the !ast party a&ter the show that Beth had inited me to. # had not wanted to go, the %rama peopleD not my group, and # had &ound them ery strange, albeit ery a!!epting. They had en&olded me into their group as one o& their own &or a night, simply be!ause # was a &riend o& Beth$s. Een though Beth had only been a Freshman, she had made 4uite a lasting mark &or hersel& already. 5any o& the seasoned a!tors were looking to her natural ability &or ideas.
The party was held out behind one o& the !ast member$s &amily &arm. An open &ield with a huge bon&ire bon&ire built up to light the darkness, and warm the !hilled air. air. 6oads o& beer, and other types o& heay al!ohol were abundant. # &elt out o& pla!e there, and did not like it. # wondered how # had agreed to go in the &irst pla!e.
# sat o&& by mysel& on someone$s open tailgate, and wat!hed, an untou!hed !up o& beer in my hand. Beth talked, and laughed with the other$s, she een dan!ed o&& and on with a &ew. #t was obious to me that she was de&initely in her element.
i.D # turned to see a guy standing ne0t to the tru!k, hal& his &a!e in shadow, the other hal& dan!ing orange &rom the light o& the &ire. # smiled shyly, but said nothing. 5ind i& # sit?D he asked. # thought &or a moment. # really did not &eel like !ompany, !ompany, but what the hell. # nodded toward the tailgate. %o you talk?D he grinned as he sat, the tru!k shaking slightly with the added weight.
%epends.D # said, looking ba!k to the party.
+n?D e asked, sipping &rom his own !up.
(ho #$m talking to.D e grinned, and nodded.
Fair enough.D e was silent &or a moment as he wat!hed the party goers. (hy aren$t you out there?D he turned ba!k to me. # 7ust shrugged, really wishing that he would 7ust go away. ou here with someone?D
Beth.D Beth.D # said, and turned to him. e really really was a good looking guy with short, brown brown hair, !lean' !ut, mature, angled &eatures. # !ouldn$t tell what !olor his eyes were.
BethD he asked, his brows drawn.
eah. Beth *ayers. *he$s my best &riend. *he asked me to !ome with her.D
+h.D e nodded understanding. ey, you want to go take a walk, or something? # don$t know about you, but # really don$t like parties.D # stared at him &or a moment, and without a word hopped o&& the tailgate, leaing my !up where # had been sitting.
*o why are you here?D # asked, as we made our way toward a thi!ket o& trees o&& to the right. e shrugged.
Kind o& the same reason you are, # suppose.D e smiled at me, and rea!hed down &or my hand. # glared up at him, taking my hand &rom his. *orry.D e said, and tu!ked his hands into his ba!k po!kets. (ow, look at that.D e said a&ter a while, pointing toward the &ull moon that was dire!tly ahead o& us. #t was huge and gold, looked like i& we were to walk 7ust a bit &urther, we !ould tou!h it. 6et$s stop &or a se!, and look.D e said, pla!ing his hand on my arm. # stopped, and did as he said, said, my heart heart poundin poundingg slightl slightlyy, suddenl suddenlyy &eeling &eeling un!om& un!om&ort ortabl able. e. # glan!ed glan!ed ba!k oer my shoulder and reali1ed that # !ould no longer see the party, only the light &rom the bon&ire aboe the trees. # turned ba!k to the moon, only to &ind that # was staring dire!tly at this guys !hest. # looked up into his &a!e with 4uestioning eyes. e smiled. ou know, # don$t een know your name.D
# think we should be getting ba!k now.D # said, starting to turn ba!k the way we$d !ome, but he tightened his grip on my arm, keeping me where # was.
(hy? )ome on, what$s your name?D
-o, look, let$s go ba!k to the party, and #$ll tell you anything you want to know, k now, okay?D
$-ah. # think we should stay here.$ e bent down, and be&ore # knew it, he was trying to kiss me, one large hand on the ba!k o& my head, holding holding me to him. # pounded on his !hest, trying trying to get away, but he was a lot bigger than # was. # was suddenly being pushed ba!k toward a tree, his weight holding me against it. # tried to s!ream around his tongue in my mouth, but it only o nly !ame out as a muted groan. # was stu!k, and reali1ed 7ust how mu!h trouble # was in as # &elt how e0!ited he was getting, against my lower stoma!h. is &ree hand was all oer the pla!e, groping what he !ould, trying to get under my shirt when suddenly # was met with nothing but the !old night air. # opened my eyes in !on&usion as # saw him being slammed into the tree a!ross &rom the one # still leaned against. Beth was in his &a!e, his shirt entwined in her &ist.
# should hae your balls &or doing this.D *he hissed, one hand rea!hing down to grab his !rot!h. is eyes s4uee1ed shut in pain as his arms waed uselessly through the air.
(hat are you doing?9 (e were 7ust'
(e weren$t 7ust doing anything. ou were 7ust trying to do something ery stupid to my best &riend.D is eyes opened, and he glared at Beth, then oer at me, as # stood, and ran a shaking hand down my sweater to try and !alm mysel&. 6ook at me, you &u!ker, not her.D (ide, &rightened eyes turned ba!k on her. ou do anything this stupid again, and # will hae your balls. ou got it?D he nodded, his eyes neer leaing hers. *he let go o& his shirt, and pun!hed him in the stoma!h. e doubled oer with a groan, then turned to run. # wat!hed him go, my breathing heay, yet labored as the &ear o& what almost happened turned to the sho!k o& what !ould hae happened. The ne0t thing # knew, # was eneloped in a strong, warm embra!e. # !lung to Beth, the tears &inally !oming to wet the &ront o& her shirt. *he !aressed my hair, whispering soothing words into the late, 4uiet night.
Finally getting mysel& under !ontrol, # pulled away &rom her, wiping my eyes with the ba!ks o& my hands. *he held me by my shoulders, staring down into my &a!e.
ou ou okay, Em?D she asked, running her &inger under my eye to !at!h a last tear that was trying to slip out. # nodded numbly. # had seen you talking to him, then when # saw you were gone, your !up on the tailgate, # had a bad &eeling.D *he whispered, &ear washing oer her &eatures. #& anything anything would hae happened to you, # neer would hae &orgien mysel&.D er oi!e broke on the last word. # rea!hed up and !upped the side o& her &a!e.
-othing happened, thanks to you. #$m &ine, Beth.D *he nodded, but # !ould still see the guilt written all oer her &a!e. #t$s okay.D okay.D
That guy is known as an asshole. # should o& gone oer to you sooner. #$m sorry.D
ey, it$s okay.D # drew her to me, this time !om&orting her. #$m okay.D # whispered into her shoulder.
# stared at mysel& again in small mirror as the toilet whooshed to li&e behind me. # had always wondered 7ust what Beth had done to that guy later. (heneer # saw him in the halls at s!hool, he had gone out o& his way to go down another hall, or du!k into a near'by door. # !hu!kled to mysel&, and opened the bathroom door, headed ba!k toward our seats.
Eerything okay?D 3ebe!!a asked as # sat down, and re'bu!kled my seatbelt.
eah. Fine.D # smiled. *he returned the smile, and pla!ed her hand oer mine, s4uee1ing it gently be&ore she entwined our &ingers in her lap, and shut her eyes again.
# glan!ed out the window and wat!hed the !louds gather as we &lew through a thi!k group, the window be!oming white, and nearly opa4ue. (ith a sigh # !losed my eyes ag ain, too.
-o way9 That one does not look like a !lown.D Beth e0!laimed, s4uinting her eyes.
es it does. 6ook,D # raised my arm up toward the sky, and pointed with my &inger. *ee, there$s his nose, that great big round !loud, then see how it kind o& goes up into a point? That$s his hat.D
#t does not go up into a point.D *he insisted.
(ell, (ell, it did be&ore the !louds started to moe.D *he looked oer at me, one brow raised, looking at me like # was nuts. # grinned. (ell, it did.D *he shook her head, and turned it to look ba!k up at the sky.
ou know, you really su!k at this game, Em. ou try and make too elaborate o& shapes. (hateer happened to 7ust plain old &ashioned bunny rabbits and bananas?D # shrugged.
# don$t know. # guess # 7ust see what # see.D
# raised my arms oer my head, &eeling the !ool, thi!k grass under my hands as # stret!hed my body, !losing my eyes in pleasure with a groan.
#t is so ni!e out here.D # breathed as # rela0ed again, my hands laying on my stoma!h.
8n huh.D Beth agreed, pla!ing her hands behind her head, then rea!hing down to s!rat!h her leg where a blade o& grass was making makin g her it!h. our birthday ended up being be ing a pretty ni!e day. -ot too hot, like it usually is.D *he turned on her side, her head resting on her hand, and looked down at me. Tonight we$re all going down to the lake on the east side. (anna !ome?D # looked up at her and wrinkled my nose.
-o way. ou remember what happened last time # went to one o& your &riend$s parties.D
%i&&erent people. #t$ll 7ust be me, )ollin, 5ary and *heila.D
-ah.D # looked ba!k up into the sky. (hy tonight, though, Em? Aren$t you going to stay &or our party here? Aunt Kitty and 3on are !oming, and maybe one or two o& my &riends &rom onor *o!iety.D # glan!ed oer at her again. *he shook her head and looked oer toward the house.
-ah. (e$e had this planned &or awhile, and that$s all your &amily. Besides, she rolled oer and sat up, wrapping long arms around her bent knees. our our &riends &rom onor *o!iety look at me like #$m a leper.D lepe r.D
+kay.D # was hurt, but # knew she was right. -one o& my &riends understood why Beth and # were best &riends, and # suspe!ted that her &riends wondered the same thing. That was 7ust the way things were now. ou guys going to drink, again?D # asked, sitting up ne0t to her. *he glan!ed oer at me and nodded.
Probably some, yeah.D *he said. Beth had started to do that a lot. #t worried me &or her. er mother had made su!h a mess out o& her own li&e, li&e, and in some ways, that o& Beth, and # did not want to see Beth make mak e the same mistake. # had heard that al!oholism al!oho lism ran in &amilies. (ell, she said, standing, and rea!hing down to help me up. ou said # !ould hae the &irst ride in your eep.D
(e walked around the ba!k gate to the &ront yard. # !ould not help but smile as # spotted my birthday present. -eer in a million years did # think #$d get a !ar &or my si0teenth birthday. # guess it was good haing a &ather who managed a !ar dealership.
The eep was a <=>= model, and was painted bright yellow with a bla!k, rubber roll bar. The !olor was not one that tha t # would hae !hosen, but # had to admit that it had !hara!ter to it. # sure would be able to spot it easily in a parking lot.
Beth 7umped into the passenger side, and # !limbed behind the wheel, bringing it rumbling to li&e. # grin grinned ned oer at my best best &rie &riend, nd, and ba!ke ba!kedd out out o& the the dri drie. e. (e droe droe around around town in !ompanionable silen!e, neither &eeling the need to talk. # had le&t the hard top at home, so the warm, summer air ran through our hair, and our lungs, beating out the !old, stale air o& the winter &inally gone by. #t &elt so good 7ust to be with Beth, no pressure &rom any o& our &riends, or our new lies. ust us. 6ike it used to be. (e rarely saw ea!h other at s!hool, and # was rarely home be&ore night&all with all o& the a&ter s!hool a!tiities # had, and with Beth$s %rama pra!ti!e. #t was times like these that # grew to look &orward to, and treasure.
(hateer happened, whereer we ended up, Beth would always be my best &riend.
(e are approa!hing %ener #nternational Airport. Please make sure your !hairs and trays are se!urely lo!ked into their upright position, and that your seatbelts are se!urely in pla!e, snug around you. (e are preparing &or landing.D
# held on to the arms o& my !hair as # &elt the plane lose altitude, altitude, glan!ing outside outside at the lowered wing as we banked around &or a solid landing on the runway. # saw the town o& %ener spread out be&ore us as we got !loser, and # !ould not help but smile. #t had been &ar too long sin!e #$d been home. # knew 3ebe!!a and # still had a three hour drie ahead o& us, but nonetheless, # was glad to be home.
(e rented a siler Toyota Toyota )amry, and made our way out to #'GJ, and headed south.
# was tired as # pulled into the drieway o& my house, a long day behind me. #t was dark, well a&ter eight on a warm, late *eptember night. # grabbed my ba!kpa!k &rom the ba!k o& my eep, and slung it oer my shoulder as # headed toward the house, only to be met by my mother who ran out onto the &ront por!h.
ey.D ey.D # said, my brows drawn.
oney, hae you seen Beth?D she asked.
(hat?D # was !on&used.
%id you see Beth today at s!hool?D
-o, #' !ome to think o& it, # hadn$t seen Beth &or a !ouple o& days.
-ora has been !alling all day. Beth hasn$t been home sin!e 5onday.D
#t$s Thursday.D # said, my oi!e in!redulous. 5y mother shrugged. shrugge d.
oney, you$e got to go look &or her.D Be&ore the words were out o& my mother$s mouth, # had hopped ba!k into the eep, tossing my bag in ba!k, and she roared to li&e. The tires s4uealed in protest as # pealed out o& the drie.
# started at all the pla!es and parts o& town that # knew Beth hung out at, to no aail. *tarting at the lake, and heading down -orthern, !he!king out all the bars. Beth was underage, but most neer !arded her as she looked to be no less than in her mid'twenties. -othing. # droe by the s!hool, and stopped by the park. # had to think. (here else does she go? # rally didn$t know any o& her &riends.
%amn.D # breathed, slamming my hand into the wheel. (here !ould she be? # knew that lately she was getting with a !rowd that was notorious &or partying, no matter what time o& day, or i& it was a s!hool night. #t didn$t matter. (hat was that girl$s name that # saw her with all the time? )arry? )orey? )ora. # !ould still see her with her short, dyed bla!k hair, pale skin, and dark make'up. *he always wore bla!k, usually leather. # had seen her and Beth together more than on!e. (here did her group usually hang out? # remembered oerhearing some kids talking about them one day, and they said they all hung out at some old run'down warehouse. (here was it? # tapped my &ingers on the steering wheel as # thought, and then like the proerbial light bulb, it !li!ked, and # put the eep in gear, and made a 8'turn in the middle o& the street, headed o&& toward the 6ooms. That$s what they !alled it.
#t was nearly eleen when # &inally &inally &ound the pla!e. The neighborhood was industry, industry, and did not look e0a!tly sa&e. # was e0tremely nerous as # slowed the eep, looking around to &ind the e0a!t building. # heard deep, pounding musi!, and turned toward it, &inding a massie, old gray !inderblo!k building with large windows, most painted oer bla!k. The only light the pla!e spewed was &rom the door on the side. %e!iding that was probably the pla!e pla! e to go, # pulled up to it, and killed the ignition. (ith a deep breath, and a small prayer to whoeer, # headed inside.
The pla!e was too big to be lit ery well by the s!attering o& naked bulbs hanging, so the light was dim, the air heay and a!rid, smelling o& old !igarettes, and the sweet smell o& pot. # looked around to &ind arious groups o& people huddled in !orners, talking, some making out. 5y eyes bulged as # saw a !ouple a!tually haing se0 under a &ar table. # s!anned the room some more, seeing some dan!ing to the bone'shattering musi!. Two women were grinding together, and then # saw a &igure slumped slumped against an old loading do!k door. The &igure &igure was !ompletely in bla!k, as were most o& the people, her upper shoulders sho ulders were against the metal door, her legs straight out in &ront o& her, her arms laying limply at her side. 5y eyes began to moe on when # &ro1e.
Beth.D # whispered, my ga1e 1ooming ba!k in on the unmoing woman. 5y god.D # ran oer to her, not !aring about the strange looks # got as # passed di&&erent people and groups. ust as # was about to rea!h her, )ora stepped into iew. *he walked oer to Beth, but then her head swung around when she !aught me !oming out o& the !orner o& heaily bla!ked eyes with eyeliner. 2et away &rom her9D # yelled, as # rea!hed my &riend, throwing mysel& to my knees ne0t to her. Beth$s eyes were open, but e0tremely gla1ed and un&o!used. )ora said nothing as she stood oer us, looking down at me. (hat is wrong with her?D # asked, my hand rea!hing out and righting Beth$s lulled head. Eyes that were so dilated the blue irises barely showed.
# don$t know. # think she had some bad shit.D )ora said, her oi!e !asual. # looked up at her, in!redulous.
*ome bad shit?D # repeated. %oes she need a do!tor?D # asked, near hysteri!al.
-ah. ust get $er home, and let her sleep. 2ie her a bun!h to drink. (ater$s usually good.D
)ome on, Beth honey. #$m getting you out o& here.D # said. # !ould &eel my throat tightening, and wanted to get the hell out o& there be&ore # out and out bawled. elp me9D # yelled up at the girl as # tried to li&t Beth$s dead body weight. (ith )ora$s help, # managed to get Beth bu!kled into the
passenger side o& the eep. ou stay away &rom her.D # growled at the girl &rom behind the wheel. *he shrugged as she took a step ba!k toward the door.
*he needs to learn to hold her shit better. *he$s a good lay, though.D And disappeared into the warehouse. # stared a&ter her, my mouth hanging open, then turned ba!k to Beth. *he lay with her arms hanging oer the sides o& the seat, her head ba!k against the head rest, mouth open, eyes !losed.
Beth? Beth9D # shook her when she didn$t answer. er head lulled again, but then she righted hersel&, and glan!ed oer at me.
uh?D she slurred, &ollowed by a grin.
#$m getting you the hell out o& here.D # muttered, nearly killing the eep as # ground the gears in my haste.
The neighborhood was 4uiet as # pulled into our drie. # sat in the eep &or a minute trying to de!ide what to do. # looked oer at the *ayers$ house, no lights were on at all. 2ee. -ora must hae been really worried about her daughter who$d been gone &or three days.
Bit!h.D # muttered as # !limbed out o& the !ar, and went around to Beth$s side. ou$e got to help me, Beth.D # said as # unbu!kled unbu!kled her. *he nearly &ell out, taking taking me with her. her. *he got to her &eet, and # had to push her up against the side o& the !ar to hold her up so # !ould get my balan!e. +kay. (e !an do this.D # moed to the side o& her, and slung her arm around my shoulder. 3eady?D
uh?D # wrapped my other arm around her waist as we started ery slowly toward the por!h, the light on to guide us.
+ne step at a time, honey. That$s it. 2ood girl.D Finally making it to the door, the s!reen door &lew open, s!aring the !rap out o& me, and nearly making Beth &all to the grass.
Thank god you &ound her.D 5y mother said, her eyes narrowing in worry at Beth$s !ondition. *he wrinkled her nose. 5y god. (here has she been? A land &ill?D
6ong story, mom. ust help me get her to my room.D # muttered.
oney, shouldn$t she go home? +r to a hospital? 5y god, she looks like she$s hal& dead.D
5om, please. # !an$t take her home. ou know -ora will leae her to rot on the &loor, i& she doesn$t beat her hal& dead &irst. *he does not need a do!tor. Please , mom. Please 7ust let me take !are o& her?D my mother stared stared into my eyes, and !ould see how serious serious # was. (ith a sigh she nodded, and helped me get Beth to my bedroom.
# shut the door a&ter pushing my mother out, and turned ba!k to Beth who lay spread a!ross my bed. # wasn$t sure what to do &irst, but then de!ided to get the stu&& #$d need. # le&t the bedroom, and headed &or the kit!hen where # &illed a huge plasti! !up with !old water, and grabbed some &ruit, and bread. Easy stu&& &or her to eat. # set my o&&erings on my dresser, and turned ba!k to my &riend.
5om$s right, Beth. ou do stink.D # walked oer to her, and sat on the edge o& the bed ne0t to her. er breathing was normal now, and she seemed to be more with it as her eyes opened. They were still gla1ed, but not near as bad. ey.D # said when she somewhat &o!used on me.
ey.D *he said, her oi!e s!rat!hy. # grabbed the glass o& water, and brought it to her lips, holding her head up as she sipped. *he !hoked a bit, and # sat her all the way up, leaning her body weight against me.
+kay?D # asked. *he nodded, and buried her &a!e in my ne!k. # !ould &eel her body shake as she began to sob. ey, hey.D # said, pulling her into me. *he wrapped her arms around me. # !ould &eel her tears against the skin o& my ne!k. *hhh, *hhh , baby. #t$s okay.D okay.D
#$m sorry, Em.D *he whimpered. # neer meant &or you to see me this way.D
*hh. # know. # was so worried about you.D # whispered, my own tears !oming to the sur&a!e. (hen my mother told me no one !ould &ind you, you don$t know what went through my head.D # laid ba!k, taking her with me. *he !urled her body up to me, holding me so tight it almost hurt.
# know.D *he !ried on &or almost ten minutes be&ore she began to !alm, her tears turning into hi!!ups. # didn$t mean to s!are you, Em.D *he whispered, moing down so her head laid upon my stoma!h. ust like old times. # rea!hed down, my &ingers trying to run through the tangles in her dark hair. # &eel so weird.D *he said.
That girl )ora said you had had some bad shit. (hat e0a!tly does that mean?D # began to stroke her ba!k with my other hand.
# don$t know. # took so mu!h stu&&. # don$t remember. # don$t remember mu!h o& anything, e0!ept seeing you barge in there like that.D *he !hu!kled 4uietly. This little pint'si1ed thing rushing in there so tough. ou$re ou$re lu!ky that )ora was pretty gone, or she may hae tried to ki!k your ass.D *he took a deep breath. # don$t &eel so good.D The ne0t think # knew, Beth leaned up, and threw up oer the side o& the bed. # held her hair ba!k as she !ontinued to spew, haing put my trash !an under her. # rubbed her ba!k as her stoma!h made the most aw&ul noises, the eins in her ne!k standing on end as her body !ontinued to pump more and more o& the stu&& out o& her system.
+h, god.D *he groaned, her strength gone, laying on her stoma!h, only to start all oer again.
2et it all out, Beth.D # en!ouraged, holding her hair ba!k again as she was on!e more wra!ked with a spasm. Finally spent, and # was pretty pre tty sure done throwing up, # helped Beth stand on weak legs, and we headed &or the bathroom. *he smelled o& old !lothes, smoke, se0, and now throw up. *he said she was starting to make hersel& &eel si!k again 7ust &rom the smell, so she wanted a bath.
# &li!ked on the light, the smallish bathroom !oming to li&e. # guided her to the toilet where she sat on the lid as # began to run her a bath. *he wat!hed with hal&'hooded hal&'hooded eyes. # looked at her oer my shoulder.
(ill you be okay to do this by yoursel&?D she looked down at hersel&, then ba!k oer at me, shaking her head.
# think #$m gonna need your help.D
# let the water &ill up the tub as # walked ba!k oer to her, kneeling to remoe her shoes and so!ks. Throwing them aside, # moed up to her 7eans, unbuttoning and un1ipping them.
6i&t.D # instru!ted. (hen she did, # slid them and her underwear out &rom under her all in one shot. # !aught sight o& dark hair, and &or 7ust a moment a strange bolt o& heat ran through me to land s4uarely in the pit o& my stoma!h. # swallowed, and !ontinued with my mission. er grimy T'shirt !ame ne0t &ollowed by her bra. # wrapped my arms around her so # !ould unhook it. This put us in a hug, and # !ould &eel her breasts against my own. # thought ba!k to when # had been at that warehouse, and what # had thought o& )ora. # reali1ed that not only did # not like her be!ause o& where she had taken Beth, but also, een e en be&ore she had said anything, # knew that she and Beth were sleeping together. # didn$t like it. # didn$t like it one bit.
# !leared my head o& all these thoughts as # made mysel& !on!entrate !on!entrate on what # was doing. Beth was weak, and !ould not do any o& this &or hersel&.
# hae to pee.D *he said, her oi!e 4uiet, and embarrassed. # looked down at her and nodded. *he leaned on me as she stood so # !ould li&t the lid.
ou be okay &or a se! while # get you something to put on a&ter your bath?D she nodded, looking relieed that she$d be alone to go to the bathroom. # hurried into my bedroom, and dug through my drawers trying to &ind something that would &it her. Beth was so mu!h taller than # was, and bigger. Finally remembering a pair o& shorts that my grandmother had sent me one time that were at least &our si1es too big &or me, that # had buried in a drawer. # dug the sweat shorts out, and tossed them on the bed, going on a sear!h &or a shirt ne0t. # &ound one that was too big &or me that # o&ten slept in, # headed ba!k to the bathroom. Beth sat on the toilet lid again, apparently done. *he smiled up at me, and # smiled ba!k, lo!king the bathroom door behind me.
Beth sighed deeply as she sat in the hot water, the steam swirling up around us. # knelt ne0t to the tub, and helped her lay ba!k so # !ould wash her hair, and her body. # tried to use !lini!al deta!hment as # smoothed the soap oer Beth$s skin, her body so beauti&ul. *he had grown to be an in!redible woman. er legs were still long, but had &illed out, her thighs strong, and shapely. shapely. er stoma!h was &lat, her breasts &ull and &irm, the hardened nipples dark, but not too large. # wat!hed as a s long &ingers held on to the edge edg e o& the tub to help keep her he r balan!e, the nails short,
but well taken !are o& . er ne!k was also long, the !ollar bones well de&ined, her shoulders wide and well deeloped. 5y eyes moed up to her &a!e, her eyes !losed with dark, rela0ed brows, naturally ar!hed. er nose was straight, and well proportioned to her &a!e. er &ull lips were slightly parted, her breathing shallow. *he was breathtaking. # had a strong desire to run my hands oer her shoulders, &eeling the mus!le under my &ingers, knowing the planes o& Beth.
# pushed the thought &rom my mind as blue eyes opened and stared up at me. # helped her sit up, and she wrapped her arms around her drawn knees. *he looked deeply into my eyes that # prayed did not show what # was &eeling inside.
Thank you, Em.D *he whispered. #$m so glad you &ound me. ou$re the only person on earth that # would want to take !are o& me like this.D # smiled, and pushed some hair that was stu!k to the side o& her &a!e ba!k.
#$m always here &or you, Beth. ust like you are &or me.D
(e got Beth dressed, and ba!k to my bedroom. *he !ollapsed onto the bed, and rea!hed &or me. # stared at her &or a moment, and she grinned shyly up at me.
# know it seems odd, and this isn$t something # ask 7ust anybody, but would you 7ust, well, 7ust hold me &or a little little bit?D her eyes du!ked to the 4uilt on the bed, her !heeks !olored slightly slightly &rom embarrassment. # 7ust seem to be embarrassing mysel& oer and oer again tonight.D *he muttered. 5y &a!e &ell into a so&t smile, and # lowered mysel& onto the bed ne0t to her, opening my arms wide. Beth looked up at me, and &ell into the embra!e, pushing her legs under the !oers, and bringing the blankets blankets up around us. # held her to me, her head laying against my !hest, and we talked. (e talked about eerything that night &rom &aorite &ao rite shows on teleision to politi!s, to where we wanted to end up in twenty years.
#n all the years that # had known Beth up to that point, # had neer seen her be so !andid and honest about hersel&. er ulnerability &rom the situation gae way to an unpre!edented honesty that # don$t re!all eer sharing again with another human being. # !herished !herished that night &or what it was: a spe!ial intima!y that no se0 a!t !ould eer e4ual.
ou know, #$e thought about your Aunt a lot lately.D Beth said, her oi!e hushed. *o sad &or someone so young.D *he was 4uiet &or a moment, then, Em, do you hae any regrets?D # ran my &ingers through her dark hair as # thought o& an answer.
es.D # admitted. *he was 4uiet, letting me e0plain i& # wished. (hat were my regrets? The admi admiss ssio ionn had had &low &lownn out out o& my mout mouthh be&o be&ore re # een een had had a &ull &ull answ answer er Appa Appare rent ntly ly my sub!ons!ious knew more than # did. # had a lot o& regrets where Beth was !on!erned, that # knew. # was not about to tell her that, though &or &ear o& sounding hypo!riti!al. # regretted how our &riendship had begun to deteriorate on a more sur&a!e leel. %eep down # knew that we both loed ea!h other as mu!h, i& not more, than we eer had. # would hae done anything &or Beth, and # knew the same was true o& her. # regretted my weakness in ability to admit that # &elt e4ually as attra!ted attra!ted to my best &riend as # knew she was to me. 5y mind reeled ha!k to 7ust a &ew hours be&ore when # had been bathing her. her. 5y thoughts thoughts were not my own, or perhaps they were more my own than eer. # didn$t know. # was too young to sort it all out in one night.
# glan!ed oer at the window to see the &irst rays o& the sun beginning to peek its head oer the houses behind ours. (e had been talking all night. # turned my attention ba!k to her.
%o you?D
es es # do. 5any.D *he read7usted her head on my !hest, wrapping her arm around me a bit tighter. *omeone told me on!e that to lie with regret is to not lie at all.D # sighed.
ow true.D # &elt my body beginning to respond to her !loseness, and tiny nere endings were rea!hing out to worship eery part o& her body that tou!hed mine. There was 7ust something about the silen!e o& late night, early morning that made the body that mu!h aware o& its surroundings, and true desires. # !losed my eyes, and swallowed.
Think maybe we should get some sleep.D Beth said, her oi!e so&t. # opened my eyes, and sighed with relie&. *leep. (hat a good idea. # wondered i& Beth were being as a&&e!ted as bad as # was. (ith that thought, # !losed my eyes, and let the darkness en&old me.
3ebe!!a and # stopped at an #+P in )olorado *prings &or lun!h. (e sat at our table, and # stared down at my nearly untou!hed !heeseburger, a &ry in my hand as # dipped it oer and oer again in my ket!hup/5ayo mi0ture.
ou know, # think that &ry is about as !oered as it$s going to get.D # glan!ed up and met 3ebe!!a$s twinkling eyes. # grinned, and popped it into my mouth. *o where was Beth liing? (as she with anyone?D my loer asked, wiping some 3an!h dressing &rom her lip. # shrugged.
# honestly don$t know. *he neer told me.D # met her ga1e again to see her understanding, yet !on&used look. # was thinking about that last night. # hae no !lue where she lied, or with who, is she was liing with someone. (hat she was doing, though knowing Beth, she was on stage to the end.D # smiled in remembran!e. remembran!e. The only pla!e on earth she eer &elt truly at home. +n that stage.D
*he was ery talented. #$m glad # was able to see her that one time.D
eah. eah. 5e, too.D
%id Beth like s!hool?D 3ebe!!a asked, sipping &rom her i!ed tea. # shook my head.
ated it. # think the only reason she went as long as she did was be!ause o& %rama. That was her li&e. (ell, that and partying.D 3ebe!!a nodded with a small !hu!kle.
# awoke with a heat against my ba!k, and kno!king in my head. As reality !ame ba!k to me, # reali1ed that Beth was spooned up behind me, her arm holding me tightly to her, and someone was kno!king on my door.
Emmy? oney, are you awake?D
# raised my head, and looked around. 5y room was a disaster, the smelly trash !an still near my bed on the &loor, !lothes thrown eerywhere, and the sun blaring in through the window. # groaned.
eah.D # mumbled, and !are&ully, trying not to wake Beth up, !limbed out o& bed, and walked oer to the door to unlo!k it. # opened it to &ind my mother looking at me in her robe.
oney, are you going to go to s!hool today?D she asked, her brows drawn.
(hat time is it?D # asked.
Almost eight'thirty.D eight'thirty.D # groaned again. )lasses )lasse s had stared almost &orty'&ie minutes ago.
-o.D # de!ided. )lass is already started, we went to bed about three hours ago, and,D # turned and looked at Beth$s sleeping &orm oer my shoulder. Beth needs me today.D # turned ba!k to my mother.
+kay, Emmy.D er &a!e turned serious. ou tell Beth i& she pulls a stunt like that again, she won$t hae to worry about -ora *ayers. *he$ll hae me to deal with.D
Point taken, 5rs. Thomas.D )ame a groggy oi!e &rom behind me. # !hu!kled, and my mother glan!ed oer my shoulder.
Better beD she said, waggling her &inger at Beth. Beth smiled apologeti!ally, and laid her raised head ba!k down with a moan. ou ou girls get some sleep.D 5y mother said, and gae me a 4ui!k hug be&ore leaing us. # turned and walked ba!k to the bed, my body &eeling like it had been hit by a 5a! tru!k the night be&ore. Beth grabbed me to her again as # !limbed ba!k into bed, and # settled into her embra!e, and &ell asleep. # dire!ted my &ather and 3on around the !orner, !orner, opening the bedroom door as &ar as it would go so they would not bang up the wall with the headboard. (ith a grunt, they set the heay pie!e o& &urniture down, and headed ba!k upstairs to the tru!k in the drieway to get the other parts. 5y mother and Aunt Kitty were in the kit!hen making a s!hedule &or my aunt$s do!tor appointments.
)oming through9D # ba!ked up against the wall to let the guys !ome by with one o& the mattresses. A&ter they$d passed, # went outside. #t was early spring, and the end o& my 7unior year in high s!hool. # would be eighteen in the summer, and !ould not wait to get through my last year be&ore # was o&& to )8 Boulder &or law s!hool.
Aunt Kitty had gotten worse in the last year. The dialysis had been going &ine until the tubes they had put in her arm to hook her up to the ma!hine, kept plugging plugging up with blood !lots, and one by one her eins were !ollapsing. -ow it was down to one last graph, as they !all them, and a pla!e on a donor list. # knew my mother was beyond worried.
# walked into the kit!hen, and leaned ba!k against the &ridge and wat!hed the two sisters talk. Aunt Kitty looked nothing like her old sel&. About nine months ago she had !ut her hair o&& short so it would be easier to deal with, and the weight she had lost. *he was a shadow o& hersel&, and it made my heart hurt.
# le&t the house, and sat on the &ront por!h, my ga1e drawn to Beth$s house.
Beth and # had not spoken in nearly two months. # turned my ga1e away, and stared at the -iens$ house a!ross the street, trying to get my mind o&& o& what had happened, and how stupid it had been.
# looked around as the siler )amry made its way down a &amiliar tree'lined street. #n the past ten years years this this neighbo neighborhoo rhoodd had not !hanged !hanged mu!h, though my mother mother had said said that that a lot o& the houses had been sold, and turned into rentals. (hat a shame. A renter would neer take !are o& a house the way an owner would.
# saw the %onner house to the le&t. # guess old Townsend %onner had &inally died the year be&ore, and his house was still being &ought oer by his eleen !hildren. # always wondered 7ust how the hell he and his wi&e, 5artha had raises so many kids in 7ust that simple three bedroom house. # tore my ga1e &rom the old pla!e to see my parent$s house 7ust up ahead, and to the right. 3ebe!!a was looking around as mu!h as # was. *he had only been here on!e. The other times my parents had !ome out to -ew ork to see us.
ou know, honey, you really need to get out here more.D *he said, her oi!e hushed in the 4uiet !ar.
# know.D # agreed. (ith a deep breath # pulled the !ar o&& to the !urb, and pulled the break. 5y brother$s tru!k was in the drieway, and # !ould not wait to see him and his &amily. 6ord, it had been way too long.
-o sooner was my door open, then # heard a whoop, and saw Billy running a!ross the &ront lawn, and grabbed me up in strong arms, pulling me to him. # !lung to him, so happy to see him.
(here you been9D he e0!laimed into my ear, his embra!e nearly !rushing. %on$t eer stay away so long again, Emmy. # mean it.D e pulled away and set me down on the ground again. # looked up at him with appraising eyes, and was surprised to see a &ull beard, dark like his eyebrows in !ontrast to his blonde hair.
2od, you are su!h a good looking guy.D # grinned. e smiled ba!k.
# know.D e winked, and turned to 3ebe!!a, giing her nearly as breathtaking a hug as he$d gien me. # looked up to the por!h to see my parents, and Billy$s wi&e, -ina waiting &or their turn. A little girl, about seen stood behind her mother wat!hing us with !urious green eyes, mu!h the !olor o& mine. A smaller boy ran around the &ront grass with an airplane, making &lying noises as he ran. #n -ina$s arms was yet another baby, a little girl who was asleep, tiny little head resting against her mother$s breast. bre ast. # turned to Billy.
(hen did you get so many kids?D
(ell, i& you$d !ome home now and then, maybe you$d know.D e walked oer to &lyer boy, and put a proud hand on his narrow shoulder. This is Kyle. 6ittle eather is playing shy behind -ina, and our newest bundle o& 7oy, 3a!hel.D 3ebe!!a turned to me with a huge smile a!ross her &a!e. *he adored kids, and # !ould tell that the new babysitter had arried.
# headed up to the por!h, and # was swept into another power&ul hug by my &ather, and then taken into the warm, sa&e embra!e o& my mother.
#$m so glad you$re here, honey.D *he whispered into my ear.
# am, too, mom. # wouldn$t miss this &or the world.D
#t had been early February, February, and southern southern )olorado had been hit with a massie, massie, out o& nowhere storm that had dumped eighteen in!hes o& snow on us. The town had been shut down &or two days, and things were &inally opening ba!k up as the sun !ame out, and began to melt the snow.
# had bundled up in my winter 7a!ket, and was beginning to shoel the sidewalk when something ery wet, and ery !old hit the side o& my &a!e. # gasped in surprise, and glan!ed to my right. Beth stood at the line between our two yards with a mile'wide smirk on o n her &a!e, and a raised brow.
(hy did you do that?D # asked, my oi!e !alm, belying my in!redible need to pi!k up a ni!e hand&ul, and !hu!k it at her.
Be!ause # !an.D *he answered 7ust as !oolly. (e stared at ea!h other, neither moing, awaiting to see what the other person would do. Then as i& an imaginary gun had gone o&&, # tossed the shoel, and she hit the de!k as we both started making snowballs as &ast as we !ould. 3eady?D she !alled.
eah. 2o99D we stood, and began to throw as hard and as &ar as we !ould while trying to use as a!!urate o& aim as possible. (ithin minutes we were both s!reaming as we were plowed one a&ter the other, our hair hanging limply in our eyes as the snowballs e0ploded on !onta!t. Pea!e9D # !ried as # ran out o& ammo, but Beth$s kept !oming. -o9D # yelled as she moed &orward, pelting me as she went. # &ell to the wet ground, and !oered my head with my arms as # took atta!k a&ter atta!k, our giggling &illed the air. (hen she ran out o& snow, Beth !ollapsed ne0t to me, and began to ti!kle me. # s!reamed out again as # twisted twisted in the most bi1arre bi1arre ways to try and get away &rom torturous &ingers.
*ay it9 *ay it, Em9D she laughed.
-o,D # !ried, almost out o& breath &rom laughing so hard.
)ome on, un!le. *ay un!le9$
8n!le9D # &inally e0!laimed, about to pee my pants.
2ood girl.D *he got o&& me, and helped me up. *nowman?D she asked, and # readily agreed.
Beth and # worked diligently trying to gather as mu!h snow as we !ould to build a mammoth snow !reation. The bottom ball was at least &our &eet around, and the entire thing !lose to si0 &oot in height. (e laughed and giggled like !hildren.
#$m gonna go get us some stu&& &or him.D # grinned, and ran to the house, taking my boots o&& at the &ront door, then running &ull speed ahead.
(hoa9D my mother !alled &rom the kit!hen. kit!hen. (here$s the &ire?D # was hal& way up the stairs, stairs, and yelled as # ran.
*nowman9D
#$e got to see this.D *he said. # ran into my room, and grabbed a long s!ar&, and some e0tra buttons &rom an old pair o& pants, and my old !owboy hat. ust as # was about to head out, # glan!ed out the window, and gasped.
*hit.D # breathed as # wat!hed Beth. *he was making our snowman into a rather oluptuous snowwoman. 2od,D # muttered as # ran down the stairs, nearly kno!king my mother oer at the &ront door, door, her Polaroid in hand. ang on a se!, mom. 8m, let us get her'it set up.D # smiled as inno!ently as possible, ignoring her you$e lost your mind, look. # ran outside, nearly &alling on my butt into the street. # turned on Beth who was still 4uite into her !reation. (hat are you doing?9D # asked, wat!hing as large hands s!ulpted, and molded the snow into ery realisti!'looking breasts !omplete with ery ere!t nipples. *he turned and grinned at me.
#$m making old Frosty here a Frosty'et.D
*o # see.D # glan!ed ba!k up to the house to see my mother opening the &ront door. Turning ba!k to the snowwoman, # threw the s!ar& around its thi!k ne!k, and strategi!all strategi!allyy hung the ends oer them.
(hat are you doing?D Beth e0!laimed, pushed ba!k by me. # motioned toward my mother with my head.
*he !an$t see that.D # hissed.
(hy? our our mom has seen se en boobs be&ore, you yo u know.D *he grinned.
This looks great, girls.D 5y mother laughed as she looked oer our !reation. # glan!ed down to make absolute sure the mounds !ould not be seen. 2ood to go. +kay. Emmy, Beth, both o& you get on either side. # hae got to take a pi!ture o& this9D # plastered a smile on my &a!e, my blood still boiling as my mother took her pi!ture. *he smiled at us one more time and shook her head as she headed ba!k into the house. As soon as the &ront door !losed, # turned on Beth, my &ury burning in my !heeks.
ow dare you9D # growled. *he smiled down at me, pissing me o&& that mu!h more.
(hat? )ome on, Em. ae a sense o& humor.D
# hae a sense o& humor, Beth, but not when you hae some 5ae (est made o& snow on my &ront lawn9D my oi!e e!hoed throughout the neighborhood. # looked around to make sure no one had heard me.
ey, i& 2od !an put balls on man, # sure as hell !an put tits on a snowwoman.D # 7ust glared up at her.
That$s That$s not &unny, &unny, Beth.D # turned to the !reation, !reation, and threw the s!ar& o&&, to the ground, trying trying to pat down the i!y mounds.
5y, Em9D Beth said. # !ould hear the anger in her oi!e. ou are so &u!king worried what other people might think. Try and 7ust be you &or on!e9D she turned and walked away, toward her house. # stared a&ter her, my &ury rushing through my eins with eery beat o& my heart. (as she right? #
turned ba!k to the snowwoman. -o. # was. This was all in &un, sure, but what i& someone walked by, and saw this thing? They would think that # had done this9 (hy the hell !ouldn$t she do this kind o& !rap in her own yard?
# turned around in a slow !ir!le as # took in my room, smiling slightly at all the old posters that still hung on the walls. ow outdated the stars were. # walked oer to my dresser, and ran my &ingers oer its smooth sur&a!e, ending at my uni!orn !olle!tion. # pi!ked one o& the por!elain &igures up, and turned it oer in my hands, running my &ingers oer its mane, &oreer blowing in an unseen wind. (ith a deep sigh, # turned to the window, small uni!orn still in my hands. # looked out at the street, a red 5a1da passing as # wat!hed. Eerything looked so mu!h the same, yet so ery di&&erent. # tried to see the street through young eyes, and bring ba!k another time when # was another person. #t was not so hard to imagine.
# laid ba!k against my pillows, my legs !rossed at the ankles, arms &olded oer my trusty teddy 3u&&les, who lay on my !hest. # stared out through the !urtains as night began to &all, the sky slightly orange tinted &rom the light re&le!tion o&& the snow. # was still angry, and hurt at Beth. The more # thought about it, the angrier # got. True, she had 7ust been haing &un with the snowman, but all the same, she knew how # would &eel about that: how un!om&ortable it made me. #t was total la!k o& !onsideration &or me. *he had been doing that a lot lately. # sighed as # thought o& how worried # had been about her.
A&ter the in!ident in the 6ooms, # had seen her !oming home drunk so many times. *he was rarely going to s!hool, unless it was &or %rama pra!ti!e. # was surprised that 5s. (hite was allowing her to do %rama at all !onsidering her grades. #t wasn$t my pla!e to say anything, so # didn$t.
# glan!ed oer into the !orner o& the room, seeing our bags laying on the &loor. This was where 3ebe!!a and # were to stay while we were here. # sat down at the end o& the bed, ran one o& my hands oer the blue and white bedspread. The only other person who had slept in that bed with me had been Beth.
# &lopped ba!k onto the so&t mattress, stared up at the !eiling. ow was # going to get through this? # !ould &eel a lump beginning to &orm in my throat, and the &amiliar stinging behind my eyes. # s4uee1ed them shut as # &elt a tear slid out &rom under my lids. # held my breath as # tried to get them to stop as another &ollowed the path o& the &irst.
Aunt Kitty had &allen asleep &inally a&ter hours o& my mother trying to soothe her raging heada!he. They had gotten worse. The do!tor had said they would. # glan!ed a!ross the dinner table at my mother. *he looked so haggard and tired. *he had been taking !are o& her baby sister &or two weeks, and it was beginning be ginning to weigh on her. # knew she did not mind helping out my aunt, but the emotional toll on her was aw&ul.
5y &ather glan!ed up at her &rom under heay brows, and shook his head. e had neer been good at saying how and what he really &elt. e was worried about both his wi&e and his sister'in' law, but 7ust didn$t hae the o!abulary. # &elt so sad. # was tired o& &eeling sad.
)an # be e0!used?D # asked 4uietly. The house had been so hushed in those days. 5y mother had said that Aunt Kitty was staying with us while 3on was away, and until she got better. But we were all a ll priately !oming to terms with the &a!t that we were we re taking !are o& Aunt Kitty while 3on was away until she died.
2o ahead, sweetie.D 5y mother said absently, pi!king at her !hi!ken. # stood, and headed outside to sit on the &ront por!h, stared out into the star'&illed sky. Aunt Kitty$s dementia was getting worse. *he sometimes had no idea where she was, or who she was with. The oi!es she heard were getting worse, too. # loed my aunt so mu!h, and it was so hard &or me to see her that way. # sighed and looked looke d down at a t my tennis shoes when # heard some yelling. 5y head hea d snapped to the right to Beth$s house. *omething !rashed, &ollowed by more yelling.
ou &u!kin$ stupid woman9D Beth bellowed &ollowed by another !rash. (here is it? ou took it &rom me, didn$t you? %idn$t you?D
2et o&& me you goddamn kid9 # don$t know where the &u!k your pot is9 6et go, let go9D the &ront door slammed open, and -ora *ayers stumbled down the drieway to her !ar. *he slammed the door shut, and a moment later the old Pinto sputtered to li&e, and she was gone. # wat!hed on, my eyes bulging in sho!k. Finally snapping out o& it, # stood and ran oer to the well'lit house. The door was open, leaing me to stare at a house in shambles through the s!reen door. # !ould hear more !rashing &urther into the house. *lowly # opened the door, and stepped into the hot, muggy pla!e.
The pla!e looked like it had been ransa!ked. 6amps were on the &loor, &loor, !ushions &rom the !ou!h and !hairs were laying on o n the &loor with books and an d bits o& paper.
Beth?D # asked, !are&ully making my way through the house, not wanting to step on anything. Beth?D # !alled again.
2et the &u!k out9D she yelled &rom deeper in. # headed toward the oi!e in Beth$s room. # stood in the doorway, my mouth hanging open. Beth was in a rage, tearing posters o&& the walls, pun!hing at the spa!e behind them, her &ist going through the drywall. Fu!king bit!h9D she yelled as she tripped her way oer to the dresser, grabbing an eight by ten &ramed pi!ture o& her &ather, and throwing it to the other side o& the small room where it !rashed into a hundred pie!es. # looked at the ruined pi!ture to see that it was o& her &ather and her the summer she had gone to the summer !amp. # swallowed, &rightened by her temper.
Beth?D # said 4uietly, taking a step inside the room.
# said get the &u!k out9D she s!reamed at me. 5y heart stopped. Beth$s &a!e was beat red &rom !rying and being so upset, her eyes een more bright and ibrant than usual &rom all the tears, and one was 4ui!kly darkening into a deep shiner. Blood was smeared on her &a!e, !oming &rom her nose. er hair was wild. *he looked like some !ra1y Ama1on o& a woman, and her &ury was 4ui!kly being dire!ted toward me. 2et out9D she walked oer to me, and pushed me. # lost my breath as # nearly lost my &ooting, holding onto the door&rame to keep my balan!e.
-o.D # said de&iantly. (hat$s going on, Beth?D # asked, stepping ba!k into the room. *he stared at me &or a moment, then rushed ba!k into the mess that was her room, throwing things, and tearing other things. # had neer seen her like this. 5y god. Then my heart stopped all together as she went ba!k to her dresser, and grabbed one o& her a!ting trophies that she had gotten at !amp. (ithout a word, she !hu!ked it at the &ar wall, the siler !up boun!ing, kno!ked o&& the base. *he grabbed another, and did the same. Beth9D # !ried. Those trophies meant eerything to her. Please don$t.D my oi!e was thi!k, my ision blurry as # began to !ry.
(hat the &u!k does it matter?D she roared, then she swept her hands a!ross the dresser sur&a!e, sending all her pri1ed awards, trophies and ribbons !lattering to the &loor as # sobbed.
+h, Beth.D # whispered, my tears not allowing me to speak. Beth seemed to sober &or 7ust a moment, reali1ing what she had done, and her legs sagged out &rom underneath her. *he leaned ba!k against the wall, her head ba!k, eyes shut tight as she !ried. -ot sure what to do, but knowing that # needed to get to her, # swiped a hand at my eyes, and hurried oer to her, sinking
down ne0t to her. *he kept !rying as i& # were not een there. Beth?D # asked 4uietly. -o answer. Beth? Talk Talk to me. (hat ( hat happened?D
(hat do you !are?D she asked bitterly, her eyes still !losed. # rea!hed &or her arm, but she pulled it away. %on$t tou!h me.D *he breathed. # was stunned.
# do !are, Beth. Please talk to me.D Finally Finally she opened her eyes, and looked oer at me. (hat # saw there s!ared me. There was no there there. +nly empty spa!e.
)are&ul, Em. People might think you hae a weird &riend or something. )an$t hae that.D # 7umped ba!k, &eeling like #$d been slapped. All # !ould do was stare. *he smirked. (ow. Emily Thomas spee!hless. *hould write this one down.D
(hy are you saying these things?D # asked, my throat tight.
#t doesn$t matter anymore, anymore, Em. #t 7ust doesn$t.D she was 4uiet &or a moment, the anger seeming to drain &rom her like water out o& a hose. *he took a deep breath, and leaned her head ba!k against the wall again, staring up at the !eiling. They$re dropping the %rama department.D *he said, her oi!e dull and li&eless. # glan!ed oer at her, he r, sho!ked.
(hat?D
ou ou heard me.D *he looked look ed oer at me. That$s it. Andy was &ired this week.D
(hy?D # was stunned. %rama was eerything to Beth. #t was her li&e.
%on$t need it. Football is so important, you know. 2otta hae that &ootball.D *he !hu!kled rue&ully. Bastards.D
Are you okay, Beth?D # asked, rea!hing a tentatie hand out to tou!h her arm. *he did not moe it away.
%o # look okay, Em?D she met my ga1e, and my heart broke all oer again. *he was struggling. # !ould see it in her eyes. *he was dying inside. That$s all # eer wanted to do. The only thing that kept me in that &u!king pla!e.D er eyes began to well up. # wanted so badly to pull her to me, but didn$t dare. There was still that dangerous look that lurked 7ust beneath the sur&a!e. A look that # had neer seen be&ore, and de&initely de&initely had neer seen aimed at me. *he spoke again, pulling me &rom my reerie. reerie. (hat am # going to do now? # gie a shit about s!hool, s!hool, and homework, and all that.D *he looked at me again. #$m not smart like you, Em. Brains are your thing. This is mine. This is my !ra&t, the one thing that # hae that only # !an tou!h. +nly # !an &eel.D er eyes began to &ill in earnest then. The only time people look at me as i& # am something. *ome body.D er &a!e !rumbled be&ore my eyes, and she was in my arms in a heartbeat. # held her as she !lung to me, her sobs wra!king her body. er heart was broken. That$s all # hae, Em. ow !an they take it away &rom me?D
# don$t know, honey. # 7ust don$t know.D # whispered into her hair as # ro!ked her gently ba!k and &orth. # knew that Beth needed the theater like most people needed &ood. *he would be lost without it. # !losed my eyes as # listened to the labored sounds o& her breathing against the ba!kdrop o& her tears. # remained remained 4uiet, knowing there was not one thing # !ould say that would ease her pain. Finally # &elt her pulling away &rom me. # let go, and looked oer at her. *he ran her &ingers oer her eyes and then wiped her nose.
Please go, Em.D *he whispered, turning away &rom me.
(hat? Beth'
DPlease?D she turned pleading eyes on me, and # stared long and deep into those two pools o& o!ean. Finally Finally # nodded. # stood, and headed to the door, door, but turned ba!k to her, my hand on the &rame. *he had not moed &rom the &loor.
Beth?D Beth?D # said 4uietly. 4uietly. *he did not answer, answer, but # knew she was listening. listening. And you$re wrong. ou don$t need that stage to be somebody. ou$re always a somebody to me.D
# walked through the liing room, staring at the mess. (ith a sigh # began to pi!k up the downed !hair, and put its !ushions ba!k in pla!e. As # stood, and noti!ed something slip out &rom underneath. underneath. A !lear plasti! plasti! bag. The kind used &or sandwi!hes. # pi!ked it up, my brows drawn. # glan!ed ba!k oer my shoulder to see Beth$s door still &irmly !losed. Turning ba!k to the bag, #
saw the brown &lakes all mi0ed together, along with two tightly rolled, small !igarettes. #nstin!tiely # knew that this is what Beth had been looking &or when she started &ighting with -ora. # was torn. -ot sure what to do. # held the bag to me &or a moment, then began to put it in my ean$s po!ket, determined to get rid o& it. # hated the idea that Beth was doing it.
# headed toward the &ront door, but then stopped, taking the bag out o& my po!ket again. # turned ba!k toward Beth$s door, stopping in the dark hall 7ust outside her room. # raised my &ist, ready to kno!k on the door when # heard the melan!holy sounds o& 6a Triiata Triiata easing out &rom under it. # stared at the !losed door &or a moment, trying to de!ide what to do. (ith a small sigh, # lowered lowered my hand, and turned to see a hamper ne0t to the wall by her door. # laid the plasti! bag down on its top, and headed out o& the *ayers$ house.
# stared up at the dark !eiling, my hands behind my head, 3ebe!!a breathing so&tly beside me. #t had been a long day, &illed with redis!oery, but all the same # !ould not sleep. # glan!ed a!ross the room to the dresser to see that it was almost midnight. 5y head snapped to the bedroom door as a 4uiet kno!k sounded on it.
Emmy?D # heard whispered on the other side. 5y mother.
eah?D # whispered ba!k. The door slowly opened, the hall light spilling into the room a bit. *he peeked her head in.
5idnight tea?D she asked, a slight grin on her &a!e. # grinned ba!k, and 4uietly !limbed out o& bed, !are&ul not to wake up my loer. (e made our way downstairs to the kit!hen, and # grabbed the tea bags as my mother &illed the kettle, and put it on the stoe.
#$d &orgotten about this.D # smiled oer my shoulder at her. *he nodded, her ba!k to me as she turned on the stoe.
#t$s been awhile.D *he turned to me, a pa!kage in ea!h hand. +reo$s or !ho!olate !hunk?D # pointed to the blue pa!kage o& +reo$s, and met her at the table with two paper towels. (e sat a!ross &rom ea!h other, and began to dig in. # !losed my eyes as my tongue swept up the !reamy &illing. #t had been so long.
5mmm.D # moaned as # bit into the dark !ookie. *he smiled as she bit into her own !ookie.
# told you when you were a kid not to grow up too &ast, Emmy. This is what happens. ou &orget about +reo$s.D
eah.D # said 4uietly, twisting the top o&& another !ookie. *eems #$e &orgotten all kinds o& things.D
The tea pot began to whistle, and # grabbed us a !ouple o& mugs as my mom took the kettle o&& the burner, pouring hot water into ea!h !up.
%o you know what today is?D she asked as she put the kettle ba!k on the burner.
*aturday?D # asked, dipping the mint tea bag into the !up, the water slowly turning a light, honey brown, getting darker by the dip. *he raised a brow at me, and # grinned sheepishly.
@ery good, honey. # knew # had a smart daughter. Besides, smart ass, te!hni!ally it$s *unday.D *he poured some sugar into her !up, then the tea bag. # had always wondered why she did it that way. *he *he said the sugar got mi0ed in better. # say it made the sugar sink to the bottom &aster. -o, today is the anniersary o& Aunt Kitty$s death.D # glan!ed up at her, my eyes wide. (ow. ow long had it been? # mentally mentally did a tally in my head, and !ame up with eighteen eighteen years. 5y god. Almost Almost twenty years ago. (here does the time go?
ou keep tra!k?D # asked, sipping to make sure it was strong enough, the minty steam wa&ting up to ti!kle my nose, and !ause instant perspiration on my &orehead. 5y mother nodded.
# put &lowers on her grae eery year. # went this a&ternoon. a&ternoon. # sat there &or awhile, telling her all about Beth. *he always really liked her.D *he sipped at her tea, s!run!hing her &eatures as the hot li4uid burned her tongue. # looked at my mother. mother. *he was still a ery pretty lady, lady, her blonde hair shorter than when we were kids, but ery !ute, and looked easy to !are &or. ust the slightest bit o& gray showing through. er green eyes were still bright, but the lines around them were more de&ined, the smile lines not !ompletely disappearing when she stopped smiling. #& # didn$t know better, # would neer had belieed she was in her late &i&ties.
#$e been thinking a lot lately.D # said, turning my eyes ba!k to the !ookie # was about to eat. ae you seen 3on lately?D
+h, # see him and is wi&e around town now and then. +n!e he retired &rom the Air For!e, he settled settled down ba!k here in town. e$s always ery ni!e. +n!e in a while when # go to put &lowers on Kitty$s grae, # see some there that are relatiely new. # always wonder i& they$re his.D
)ould be.D # said, draining my !up, and standing to get more hot water. # o&&ered the kettle to my mother, but she de!lined. e always really loed her.D # sat ba!k down and prepared my se!ond !up. ou know, # hae not had tea in 4uite some time.D # smiled. 5y mother stared at me, her e0pression in!redulous.
*ay it isn$t so? ou, my little girl, girl, hae swit!hed swit!hed to !o&&ee?D !o&&ee?D # nodded, and she pla!ed her hand on her !hest. -o. # neer thought you would be!ome a traitor. %idn$t # tea!h you better than that?D # !hu!kled.
es, es, but #$m a&raid !o&&ee keeps me more awake than tea does.D (e were both 4uiet as we got lost in our own thoughts. Then my mother broke the silen!e.
#t$s been wonder&ul. #$e been baby'sitting &or your brother and -ina now that she$s gone ba!k to work.D # smiled up at her, then reali1ed that she sh e had no idea about 3ebe!!a 3e be!!a and #. Time like this # reali1ed 7ust how absorbed # had be!ome in my own li&e: &orgetting that perhaps my &amily may want to know what we were up to.
3ebe!!a and # are trying.D # said 4uietly, not sure what her rea!tion would be. # knew that oer time my mother had grown to loe and see 3ebe!!a as her own, but this was an entirely di&&erent matter matter.. -ot eeryone eeryone thought thought gays and lesbia lesbians ns should should hae !hildr !hildren. en. +n!e again again # had underestimated my mother.
(hat? )hildren?D )hildren?D she asked, her &a!e lighting up like a )hristmas tree. # nodded, still trying not to get my hopes up 7ust yet. er eyes immediately &illed, and the warmest smile spread a!ross her &a!e. +h, honey.D *he whispered, standing, pulling me to my &eet. # &ound mysel& engul&ed in a massie hug. +h, baby, why didn$t you tell me?D she gently pushed me away to look into my &a!e. # smiled and wiped a tear away with my thumb.
(ell, &or one # didn$t know how you would rea!t to it. (hat you would think, oomph9D # laughed as # was s4uee1ed again. +kay, so # take it you$re e0!ited?D
E0!ited? oney, # wan as many grand!hildren as # !an possibly get9$ she pulled away &rom me again, &inally letting me go. (e both sat ba!k down, but she grabbed my hand, holding it within her own. *he leaned oer the table to gie me her &ull attention. ow long hae you been trying?D
ust under a year. #t$s been slow going.D goin g.D *he let out a long sigh. s igh.
ow wonder&ul to try &or new li&e on top o& all this death.D *he gae me a smile that melted my heart, and dashed any remaining doubts or &ears. ou two will make su!h wonder&ul mothers.D
# hope so.D # muttered. # had wanted !hildren sin!e # had been a little girl, but with the hours # worked, and the li&e # had !reated &or mysel&, # o&ten worried i& # had be!ome too sel&ish &or a !hild # had neer shared those deepest thoughts een with 3ebe!!a, but they were ery alid, and ery nagging.
+h9D 5y eyes snapped up to look at my mother who had hopped up &rom her seat. # !ame a!ross the most beauti&ul pi!ture o& you while while !leaning the other day.D day.D *he disappeared into the liing room only to return a moment later. *he pla!ed the shot on the table ne0t to my mug. # grabbed it, holding it up to my eyes. The !aption read Emmy in deep thought' <=;. # was bundled up in my dark green winter 7a!ket, standing outside during a !old day. # was standing on a mountain top, the 3o!kies !oered with snow behind me. 5y hair was blowing ba!k &rom my &a!e, my eyes s4uinted eer so slightly against the !old bree1e. The e0pression that # held had my eyes dark green, my brows drawn, posture pensie.
)ome on, Emmy. ust smile on!e &or me. Please? # gotta leae soon.D # had turned 4ui!kly to my brother, &lashed a wide, &ake smile, then turned ba!k to look at the mountains. # had nothing to smile about that day. e snapped the !amera as # turned away.
# turned away, not wanting to see 5r. Bu!kley$s sympatheti! smile as # shoed my notebook into my ba!kpa!k. # thought i& # looked at the young tea!her, # would burst out into tears. # didn$t want
to do that in the middle o& AP English. English. # made my way through the ma1e o& desks, and out into the hall. 5om had gien me the !hoi!e o& going home, or staying in s!hool. (hateer would make it easier &or me, she had said.
The halls were empty as it was in the middle o& &ourth period. # walked down the long !orridor, my ba!kpa!k slung oer one shoulder. # stared down at the highly polished tile &loor, the re&le!tion o& the door at the end o& the hall making parts o& the &loor blindingly bright. #t was a surprisingly ni!e, !lear day !onsidering we were in +!tober.
As # passed the o&&i!e, headed to senior hall, # glan!ed inside inside to see the se!retary$s typing away on !omputer keyboards, or talking on the phone. Two students sat in the waiting area, waiting to see 5r. Edwards about *aturday s!hool # &igured. +ne o& them stared at me as # passed, his look o& !uriosity 4ui!kly turning to boredom as he glan!ed ba!k at the 5ath book that sat in his lap.
# &elt surreal as # walked, the o&&i!e note still bundled up in my hand. As soon as the o&&i!e aid had walked into our !lassroom, my stoma!h stoma !h had lur!hed. # had had ha d a bad &eeling. The girl had walked oer to 5r. Bu!kley, handed him the message, then walked out. 5y eyes did not leae our tea!her as # wat!hed him read the message, and his &eatures &ell. e looked up, glan!ing around the room until his eyes landed on me. (hen he saw he had my attention, he be!koned me to his desk. (ith shaky legs, # had stood and somehow managed to walk oer to him. e handed me the note with a gentle pat to the arm.
# saw my lo!ker 7ust up ahead, and rea!hed out &or the lo!k. # &elt like # was moing in slow motion as # put in my !ombination, and pulled the lo!k down with a metalli! !lang, and grabbed the books #$d need &or the homework 5r. Bu!kley had gien me, and !losed it ba!k up. # still did not &eel anything. # 7ust &elt numb inside, like someone had rea!hed in and taken out all the important parts in me. # knew it was 7ust a matter o& time be&ore it hit me, but &or now # had something to do: get home in one pie!e.
# re'1ipped my ba!kpa!k with the added books, and to my surprise, the whole bag &ell to that highly polished &loor. # stared dumbly down at it, not sure how it had gotten there, then be&ore # !ould stop mysel&, # leaned ba!k against the !old, metal lo!kers, and slid down until # landed on my butt with a 4uiet oomph. # sat there, my legs bent at the knee, hands at my sides on the !ool &loor, and stared down at my shoes. # didn$t know what else to do. (as it real? ad she &inally gone? -othing the do!tor$s !ould do? %onor didn$t arrie in time? 5y !hin &ell to rest against my !hest. 5y thoughts re!eded into the darkest part o& my mind. # didn$t want to think about it, but #
!ouldn$t stop thinking. # didn$t know how long # sat there when somewhere in the real world # heard the sound o& so&t'soled shoes approa!hing, stopping 7ust in &ront o& me.
2ee. 6ooks serious.D # imagined the now eer'present smirk on her &a!e, so didn$t een bother to look up. (hat, did the !aptain o& the &ootball team dump you, or something?D
2o away. 6eae me alone.D # muttered. # did not need this.
-o. 2uess not. 5aybe the !aptain o& the !hess !lub.D
# said leae me the &u!k alone.D # heard the slight pop o& bad knee 7oints as she kneeled down to her haun!hes. # glan!ed up to see surprised blue eyes looking at me.
(hoa. (hat$s up?D Beth asked, her oi!e so&tening. so&tening. # did not want to talk to her. Eer sin!e the in!ident at her house, she had been a walking 1ombie, 7ust a shell o& who she had been. There was no li&e behind those eyes then: only a bitter attitude that she doled out to anyone unlu!ky enough to eoke it. # &elt like she was lost to me.
Please Please 7ust leae me alone.D # said, my oi!e losing it$s !ommanding &or!e. Though # was angry and hurt with Beth, she still represented a sour!e o& strength to me. # did not want to &all into that. To my dismay she moed oer, and settled ba!k against the lo!kers ne0t to me. # !ould &eel her intense ga1e on me. # looked oer at her, and met her eyes &or a moment. *he stared deeply into what &elt like my soul. so ul. *he must hae seen something there as understanding washed oer her h er &eatures, and she opened her arms to me. 3elu!tantly # &ell against her, my &ingers burying themseles into the &ront o& her &lannel. er arms around me were strong and !apable.
Ah, Em. #$m so sorry, honey. *o sorry.D *he murmured into my hair. 5y resole !rumbled as my soul shattered into a million pie!es. *he held me, letting me !ry. (e had all known it was !oming, but you !an neer be prepared &or it, &or someone you loe to die and leae you all alone on earth without their spe!ial brand bran d o& importan!e to you. Faintly # heard more &ootsteps, and then oi!es that were like distant e!hoes down a long tunnel.
(hat$s wrong with her?D someone asked.
2o away.D Beth growled low in her throat.
ow rude9D
ou dea&?D the &ootsteps moed 4ui!kly away, and # didn$t !are. Beth held on tighter, her hand in my hair, the other holding the ba!k o& my ne!k. 5y !hest a!hed as the emotion poured out o& me, leaing a wet trail on Beth$s shirt. 5y throat &elt raw, my &a!e tight with burning eyes. Finally # was able to get mysel& under some modi!um o& !ontrol, and pulled away &rom her. Beth ran !ool &ingers oer heated !heeks, brushing hair ba!k away &rom my &a!e that was stu!k to the tear trails. *he looked down at me with su!h tenderness.
ou ou okay?D she whispered. whispered. 5y throat hurt too mu!h to talk, so # nodded. *he smiled. 2ie me your keys. 6et$s get out o& here.D
(hat about your !lass?D # managed to !roak out. *he !hu!kled lightly.
ou think #$m out in these halls &or my health? 6et$s blow this 7oint.D
Beth helped me to stand on wobbly legs, and grabbed my ba!kpa!k, slinging it oer her shoulder. A&ter signing out in the o&&i!e, # walked out o& the building, numbly handing her the keys to my eep. # wondered how my mother was doing.
5y mother had gone up to bed about an hour ago, but # sat there in the kit!hen, the light aboe the sink my only light as # stared out the dark window into the ba!kyard. The trampoline that Billy and # had had growing up had long sin!e been sold. The big yard looked so empty without it. # sipped &rom my mug o& !o&&ee. Thank god dad drank the stu&&, or # would hae been out o& lu!k. The strong, dark taste pushed all need o& sleep to the ba!k o& my mind. # &elt alert, and needed to walk.
# bundled up to keep the !old, +!tober night air away, away, and slipped 4uietly 4uietly out o& the house. The street was so 4uiet, only a &ar away dog barking now and then. # stu&&ed my gloed hands into the deep po!ket o& my 6ondon Fog, and stared up into the sky. sky. #t had a pinkish hue to it, and # !ould
smell snow in the air. # loed that smell. # loed the snow. And # had missed the smell o& &resh air that -ew ork doesn$t o&ten o&&er. )risp, !lean, !lear out the lungs. # breathed in deep through my nose, letting out the breath through my mouth, wat!hing as the !rystalli1ed air disappeared into the night.
# glan!ed oer at the *ayers$ house as # passed it, taking in it$s !hipped paint, oergrown grass and bushes along the &ront o& the house. A tru!k was in the drieway. # wondered i& it belonged to -ora. +r did she still still een lie there? Then almost in answer, # saw a large pu&& o& smoke rising into the air near the &ront door that !ould not be seen &rom the massie bush that grew in &ront o& it. # stopped, unsure o& what to do. Then, # retra!ed my steps, and walked toward the drieway, 7ust enough so # !ould see who sat smoking. To my surprise, it was -ora *ayers. *he &ollowed my progress with her eyes, neer losing a beat as smoke poured out o& her nose and mouth.
5rs. *ayers.D # said 4uietly, standing 7ust at the start o& the path that would lead to the &ront stoop.
ow ya doing, Emily?D she asked, her oi!e deep and rough &rom too many years o& hard drinking and smoking.
Cuite well, thank you.D # said, taking a small step &orward. *he smiled, the deep lines around her mouth deepening more.
# ain$t going to bite, you know.D # smiled, and walked up to the por!h. -ora *ayers had always made me in!redibly nerous. Een now as a woman in her mid'thirties, # did not &eel !om&ortable with her. *o # hear hea r you$re some kind o& o & lawyer?D she said, snu&&ing the hal&'smoked ha l&'smoked butt bu tt into an ashtray ne0t to her. # nodded.
es. # lie in -ew ork, now.D
2ood &or you, hon. # always knew you$d be something spe!ial. Een when you was a kid.D The !ompliment meant nothing to me !oming &rom her. (hy !ouldn$t she hae had as mu!h !on&iden!e in her own daughter? # thanked her anyway. *o, what you doing up so late?D # dug my hands deeper into my po!kets, and glan!ed up at the sky.
)ouldn$t sleep.D *he nodded, and stood.
# hear you. aen$t been able to sleep a wink in about a week.D *he put a hand on my shoulder, and # got a good look at her. -ora was younger than my mother, but looked at least ten years older. 2one was the beauti&ul woman o& my youth. Free1ing my ass o&&. 2onna go try and get some sleep. 2ood to see you again, Emily.D (ith that, she headed ba!k into the house. # wat!hed her, and then headed ba!k toward the sidewalk. *he had not mentioned Beth on!e. %id she een gie a damn?
# turned right at the end o& the *ayers$ drie, not een thinking o& a destination, 7ust that # needed to walk. # ga1ed at the 4uiet houses around me, wondering who lied in them, and what they did. 5y mother had told me that mu!h o& the old neighborhood was gone. -ew &amilies moing in eery year. 5y &eet stopped suddenly, and # was not surprised to &ind mysel& at the start o& the trail to the Bowl. (ith a small smile, # headed down the semi'dark trail. # !ould hae walked ba!k in time, &or all # knew. knew. #t looked e0a!tly the same: all the trees on either side o& the path, slightly slightly oerhanging oerhanging it, blo!king out the moonlight. moonlight. As # got !loser, !loser, # !ould see the s!ar!e light re&le!ting re&le!ting o&& the rippling water o& the small pond. # !hu!kled to mysel& when # glan!ed down at the small body o& water. #t had seemed so mu!h bigger to me as a kid. # walked in a !ir!le, taking in eerything eerything around me, my eyes stopping when # saw a small tent in the trees, pi!tures pi!tures o& 5ighty 5orphin Power 3angers on the sides. The !ir!ular light &rom a &lashlight lens !ould be seen through the thin walls. # grinned, and de!ided to leae be&ore # s!ared the o!!upants to death.
(hat was that, Beth?D # had asked, my green eyes the si1e o& sau!ers. 5y best &riend looked around, her eyes 7ust as big. (e !ould see nothing through the blue walls o& our tent, but imagined we !ould. *he slowly shook her head.
%on$t know.D know.D *he whispered. whispered. Being the brae soul she was, she grabbed up our &lashlight, &lashlight, and un1ipped the tent &lap, !rawling !rawling out o& the small opening. opening. # sat, holding my breath as # waited &or her to !ome ba!k. +ur &irst night !ampingD at the Bowl, and # had been s!ared to death. # had been so glad that Beth had been there. # knew she !ould prote!t me. # 7umped when someone tapped the tent, my breath held in my throat.
Beth?D # whispered. *he didn$t answer. Beth?D # asked again, my oi!e be!oming desperate. Another thump, and another gasp &rom me. +h no. Beth was !aptured, # 7ust knew it. They were !oming &or me. # s!rambled onto all &ours, and sear!hed &or another &lashlight when the &lap suddenly opened, and Beth$s smiling &a!e looked in at me. # glared, rolling my eyes at her mis!hieous look.
# turned around, heading &or the path again when my long !oat brushed some bushes. # grinned as # heard a whispered,
(hat was that?D
+ur time at the Bowl was oer. #t belonged to the new generation. -ow all # &elt was like an intruder. A giant who had no pla!e among the little people. #t was a daunting &eeling.
# headed ba!k toward my parent$s house, looking into the street. That had been where # had learned to ride a bike &or the &irst time, where an endless number o& adentures and games o& &ootball had been played out. (here # ran oer the mailbo0 twi!e. #t all &elt so strange, and unknown to me as an adult. %id eeryone &eel that way a&ter going home?
# stood in the darkness o& my old room, remoing my !lothes.
Babe?D was 4uietly whispered. # turned to the bed. 3ebe!!a$s head was raised, but # !ould not see her &a!e.
eah?D # said, tossing my shirt into the pile on the &loor.
ou ou okay?D o kay?D
Fine.D # walked oer to the bed, and !rawled under the blankets, &eeling her grab me, and pull me to her. *he was warm &rom being under the blankets, blankets, and # snuggled up to her, the !hill night air &inally getting to me. (ith a so&t sigh, # !losed my eyes.
The ride oer to the !hur!h seemed to take &oreer. &oreer. # sat in the ba!kseat o& my parent$s !ar, my hands beginning beginning to sweat in my lap. # &elt a so&t tou!h on my knee, and turned to meet so&t, blue eyes. # tried to return the smile, but i& &altered &altered somewhere. # got an understanding understanding nod instead. #
turned my attention attention ba!k to the street, and passing !ars around us, wishing wishing that # were in any o& them, going anywhere but where # was going.
# ran my hands down my legs to smooth the skirt o& my bla!k dress. The !hur!h was !old, # noti!ed. # wondered why. # wat!hed as my parents walked out &rom the side room, my mother wiping at her eyes with a Kleene0, my &ather leading her by the elbow toward the san!tuary. # glan!ed ba!k to that small room, unsure i& # would be able to go in or not. # &elt warmth warmth along my right side, and turned turned to see Beth, neer more than a &ew in!hes away &rom me. # !ould see 7ust the barest bit o& the shiny, brown !asket &rom the doorway. # took a deep breath, and took a step &orward, then stopped. 5y heart was in my mouth, and # !ouldn$t breath.
#t$s okay, Em.D Beth whispered in my ear. # leaned ba!k into her a bit, then turned away &rom the door.
# !an$t.D # murmured
#t$s okay. ou don$t hae to.D *he said, rubbing my ba!k with her hand. Kitty won$t know the di&&eren!e, anyway.D # turned to look into Beth$s eyes. *he looked so beauti&ul in her bla!k pant suit. #t was well'&itted, and looked gorgeous on her. *he wore her long hair down, the !olors !oming in &rom the stained glass window turning its darkness into brilliant red and blue. 6et$s 7ust go sit down, okay?D # nodded, and let her lead me to the san!tuary by my hand.
# glan!ed around as # sat in the wingba!k ne0t to the &irepla!e. &irepla!e. Beth sat on the hearth, her hand on my knee in support. People talked in that hushed tone that always seemed to be&it a &uneral. &uneral. They balan!ed plates o& &ood as they looked &or a pla!e to sit. # glan!ed down at the nearly &ull !up o& bun!h that sat my &eet. Beth had been trying all a&ternoon to get me to eat something, but # !ouldn$t do it. *he had neer le&t my side. # wondered i& she would eer know 7ust what her presen!e had meant to me.
There$s a lot o& people here.D Beth said 4uietly. # nodded, but said nothing. #t had been a huge &uneral. 8sually when one so young dies, it is. #t made me proud to know that my aunt had tou!hed so many people in her short li&e. 3on walked out o& the kit!hen, his bla!k tie loosened a bit, the top button o& his shirt open. e had held it together in the !hur!h admirably. But on!e we got to the !emetery, he had lost it. # had wat!hed him, holding on to his brother, *tee as i& his li&e had depended on it. # don$t think there had been a dry eye as we all wat!hed his anguish, sitting in the &ront row near her grae. 5y &ather, who had been sitting behind him, had kept one hand on
my mother$s shoulder, and the other on 3on$s through the whole !eremony. 3on glan!ed oer at us, and smiled weakly. # did the same, but we !ould both see it in the other$s eyes.
# looked around our liing liing room, and the last pla!e Aunt Kitty had eer seen. *he had lied with us &or 7ust under si0 months. # thought ba!k to a week ago, 7ust two days be&ore she had died.
oney, your aunt wants some water. (ill you take this down to her?D my mother had asked as # walked into the kit!hen, a long day at s!hool behind me.
*ure.D # took the small pit!her and glass, and headed downstairs. # tried to go see my aunt at least on!e a day, but with the he!ti! s!hedule # had, she was usually already asleep. # walked toward the !losed door o& my brother$s old room, and 4uietly pushed it open with my shoulder, both hands &ull. 5y aunt$s head turned slowly, slowly, and she smiled smiled when she saw me. # smiled ba!k. ey, you.D # said.
i.D *he whispered. #t had been rare to hear her talk aboe a whisper &or a month or so. # set the glass on the side table, and poured water into it, then helped her to drink. *he !losed her eyes as the water slid down a par!hed throat, and smiled a thanks. #t was truly heartbreaking heartbreaking to see her. her. *he was almost skeletal, her !heeks shrunken in, making already big eyes bulge. er hair, whi!h used to be so ri!h and thi!k, was dull, looking more like straw. ae a good day?D she asked, her eyes &ull o& interest. # nodded.
(asn$t bad. # had to &ill out some more &orms today &or my s!holarship. That$s su!h a pain.D # sat on the side o& her bed, !are&ul not to 7ostle her too mu!h.
#$m so proud o& you, Emmy.D *he breathed, rea!hing her hand out. # grabbed it, and held it in my lap, gently !aressing the &rail skin. ou make me happy seeing you so inoled with your li&e.D # smiled, but said nothing. ow$s Beth?D she asked a&ter a moment.
# don$t know. *he won$t talk to me.D me .D # said, staring o&& out the window. *o mu!h pain was atta!hed to that name.
%on$t let her go, honey.D *he said, her eyes pleading.
# don$t hae a !hoi!e, Aunt Kitty.D
*ure you do.D
ow are you doing?D # was snapped out o& o & my reerie by my brother. bro ther. # looked up at him with wide eyes. e grinned.
Fine.D # said with a nerous smile. e patted my shoulder, and bent down so he was mere in!hes away.
6isten, Emmy, you need anything, you tell me, okay?D # smiled up at my big brother, and nodded. e gae me a light pe!k on the !heek, and walked away. # looked on as the !rowd seemed to be thinning a bit. Then # looked to the wall aboe the !ou!h, and saw the &amily portrait we had taken the &all be&ore. 5y ga1e met that o& my aunt, and # &elt my throat !len!h shut, and the tears 7ust below the sur&a!e.
Are you okay, Em?D Beth whispered, s4uee1ing my knee. # bowed my head, taking deep breaths so # wouldn$t lose it again. # was so tired o& !rying. Em?D # !ouldn$t answer. )ome on.D # &elt mysel& being pulled pulled to my &eet, and blindly # &ollowed as Beth pulled me by my hand. (e walked through the !rowd o& people, headed toward the stairs. 5y &ather was !oming down as we started to go up. e stopped, as did we. # nearly ran into Beth$s ba!k. 5y &ather re!oered re!oered his surprise, and glan!ed down at our 7oined hands, then his eyes traeled up to meet my eyes. # !ouldn$t read his e0pression.
#s eerything okay?D he asked.
Em$s getting upset again. #$m taking her upstairs so she !an !alm down.D Beth answered, her head raised de&iantly, her prote!tie mode ki!king in to my &ather$s spe!ulatie ga1e. e nodded, and walked on. # ne0t &ound mysel& in my room. Beth let go o& my hand, and went to the bathroom to return a moment later with with a warm wash!loth. wash!loth. # stood in the middle o& my room, my shoulders slumped, my eyes &eeling so heay. # 7ust wanted to lay down and sleep. Foreer.
ere.D # looked up to &ind Beth standing in &ront o& me, the wash!loth in her hand. # ignored the !loth, and !ollapsed into her. (hoa.D *he breathed, nearly toppling oer ba!kward. *he wrapped her arms around me, holding me tight as # &elt my emotions rise, and spill oer my resere. # !ried like # had neer !ried be&ore. # was !rying &or my aunt. # was !rying &or Beth. # was !rying &or me. # was !rying &or all that !ould be, but neer would. *oon, to my surprise # &elt Beth$s body shaking sha king against mine as she !ried her own tears, &or her own reasons. 5y tears almost immediately dried up in my !on!ern &or her. # rested my &a!e against the warm skin o& her ne!k as she did mine, and rubbed my hands up and down her ba!k, raising to play in her hair, then ba!k down to soothe a!ross the wide e0panse o& her shoulders. The sensations under my &ingertips were ama1ing. # &elt her pull een !loser as her tears slowed, &inally dying altogether.
(e stood where we were, 7ust holding ea!h other, our bodies swaying slightly. # !losed my eyes as # &elt utterly !ontent. Being in Beth$s arms like that was like !oming home. # needed to &eel her, to know she was still with me. # opened my eyes only to !lose them again as # &elt warm lips against my ne!k. # buried my &a!e deeper into her, into0i!ated by her smell. The lips moed up to my ear, warm breath ti!kling the &lesh there. # heard my name barely whispered. # raised my head eer so slightly, why, # did not know. #t was almost on instin!t, or as i& my body had gained a mind all it$s own. 5y &ingers &ound their way into thi!k, dark hair, leading somehow. # &elt hands on my ba!k, running down lower with eery !aress, my lower body on &ire, begging to be ne0t. The lips moed &rom my ear to my throat, throat, my head ar!hing ba!k een more. Those Those roaming hands &ound their way to my side, moing up my ribs up to the sides o& my breasts, gentle thumbs e0ploring oer in!reasingly sensitie areas. Another hand &ound its way down some more, !upping one side o& my butt, pulling me eer !loser to the warmth. Eyes still !losed, my lips opened &or what # sensed was !oming. # &elt those warm lips moe up my throat, oer my !hin, and &inally &inding mine. # leaned into her as a sigh es!aped me, and # gae in to the pressure against my mouth, willing it to !rush me, eat me alie. The so&test tou!h o& a tongue ran oer my lip, and a nd my own tongue rea!hed out, desperate to tou!h, and inite. Beth groaned deep in her throat as she &illed &illed me, her hand on the ba!k o& my head to bring me in as mu!h as possible. possible. # was being barraged by sensation when # was pulled &rom my world with the so&t kno!king on my bedroom door.
Emmy?D # pulled away &rom Beth, my !hest heaing. er !heeks were stained red, as # had no doubt mine were. # stared at her, ba!king up a step to put some distan!e between us.
es?D es?D # managed manage d to !all out. ou t.
ou okay?D Billy asked. *orry to bother you, but dad asked me to !ome up and !he!k on you.D # !losed my eyes and swallowed hard.
#$m &ine.D # blurted out. # !ould hear my brother$s steps as he walked away. # !ould not look away &rom Beth as # stood there, reali1ation o& what had 7ust happened, and what !ould hae happened set in. er eyes began to wonder, looking at anything but me. *he rea!hed into her 7a!ket po!ket, bringing out a hairband. (ith shaking hands, she began to pull her long hair ba!k away &rom her &a!e.
(hy did you do that?D # &inally breathed. Blue eyes darted to meet mine. *he stared at me &or a moment.
(hy did you let me?D she asked, her oi!e 4uiet, !alm. %eadly !alm.
# didn$t.D # ran my hands through my hair, my heart still pounding.
(ell, # sure as hell didn$t &or!e you.D er oi!e dropped yet another o!tae.
%amnit, Beth9 #$m not into that9D # yelled. 5y pani! was 4ui!kly turning to guilt, whi!h was 4ui!kly turning to anger. At who?
Then maybe you shouldn$t hae started something you didn$t want.D *he growled, her eyes on &ire. # met her ga1e dagger &or dagger.
# was ulnerable. ou, you took adantage o& that. #'
# don$t hae to hear this shit.D *he took a step toward the door, then turned to look oer her shoulder. Espe!ially not &rom you.D
2et out, Beth. 2et out and don$t !ome ba!k.D 5y oi!e was shaking. # !ouldn$t beliee # had 7ust said that. # !ouldn$t breath. *he turned slowly to &ully &a!e me, sear!hing my &a!e to see my sin!erity sin!erity.. *he must hae seen something something that she didn$t like. *he took a deep breath, ad7usting her shoulders as i& she had 7ust been slapped.
6ater.D *he said, her oi!e barely audible, and she turned to open the door, !losing it with a so&t !li!k behind her. he r.
# stood where # was, staring at the door in sho!k. (hat had 7ust happened? A wae o& nausea ra!ed through me, and # hurried oer to the bed, plopping down &a!e &irst as the tears !ame yet again that day da y. # s4uirmed in my !hair again. The hard seat was making my butt and ba!k a!he. # blew out a long breath, read7usting read7usting my hat as the speaker droned droned on and on. (ho !ares9 ust gie us our damn diplomas, already. # rea!hed down and played with the gold !ord around my ne!k, and looked around. 5y &ellow graduates looked 7ust as bored as # &elt. # was sitting in the &ront row, so !ouldn$t look around too mu!h. 5r. Edwards had already gien the guy ne0t to me the eil eye &or not paying attention.
# snapped out o& my da1ed reerie when # heard our speaker &inally say,
And now we will begin to !all our graduates graduates o& the !lass o& nineteen eighty &our, &our, honored with a gold !ord, earning a grade point aerage o& three point seen to &our point oh.D
ippy. About time. # sat up straight, and smoothed out my gown. +ur row would be &irst to be !alled. At the signal, we all stood, waiting in line as one by one we were !alled up.
Emily ane Thomas9 Three point nine'&ie.D # smiled and walked up onto the stage, &eeling like a million million bu!ks. # shook the prin!ipals prin!ipals hand as he handed me my diploma, and headed toward the ramp that would take me ba!k to my seat. As # stepped ba!k onto the auditorium &loor, # sear!hed the audien!e, seeing my parents and Billy, and his new girl&riend, -ina. 5y eyes 4ui!kly trailed oer the other people around them, re!ogni1ing some o& my &riend$s parents, but not seeing who # was looking &or. # knew she wouldn$t !ome, but # had hoped in the deepest part o& me. # think # saw it like some moie where the heroine was surprised as the aliant knight rode up on his white horse, &orgiing &orgiing the naNe maiden. Fa!t was, # hadn$t seen Beth sin!e the day she moed out o& her mother$s house. That That had been ba!k in early -oember. -oember. # had no idea where she had gone, or i& she would eer &orgie me.
# took my seat, and tried to look interested as eeryone else went up to re!eie their pri1e &or &our years o& study. 5y heart !ra!ked 7ust a bit when # heard them say,
Toby Elliot *amson. Erika 6ynn *erky.D -o Beth *ayers. Then, neer had # heard o& a high s!hool drop out getting a diploma.
# was getting more and more &rustrated by the day da y. # was bored out ou t o& my mind9 The longer # sat at at home, the more admiration # had &or my mother, staying home all these years. # sat at the kit!hen table, the Pueblo )hie&tain spread out in &ront o& me. # s!anned the )lassi&ied se!tion, looking oer the help wanted se!tion. 5y parents had told me # should en7oy this last summer be&ore heading o&& to !ollege, but # had had enough 7oy, and was ready to start &eeling produ!tie again. (ith a sigh # s!anned the page with my &inger, looking oer the tons o& babysitting 7obs. -ot interesting. # didn$t really know what # was looking &or, per se, but # de!ided that sin!e # was one o& the those lu!ky kids who didn$t hae to work that summer, # was going to do 7ust what # wanted to do.
5y eyes suddenly stopped in their sear!h. # s4uinted, drawing my brows to make sure # was reading right. ot damn9
elp wanted in priate law &irm o& 5oni!a -iens. *e!retarial, must be able to type, &ile, et!. *ome training pre&erred.
# !ouldn$t beliee it. # knew absolutely nothing about se!retarial work, but to work &or a law &irm. And # had no idea that my neighbor had her own &irm. # was een more impressed than # had been with her as a !hild.
# unbu!kled my seat belt, and glan!ed oer at the building with a deep, nerous breath. 2athering my wits with my resume, # !limbed out o& the eep, and headed toward the darkly tinted, glass double doors. The -iens law &irm shared spa!e with another lawyer that # didn$t remember the name o&. There was a single re!eptionist desk in the middle o& the small, well air'!onditioned lobby. A woman sat at the desk, her brows drawn as she !on!entrated on a &orm in &ront o& her.
# walked up to the desk, looking looking around, waiting &or the woman to noti!e me. *he didn$t seem to &eel the need, so # !leared my throat. er head snapped up, as i& # had surprised her, and she looked at me 4uestioningly.
ello.D # smiled. *he still looked at my 4uestioningly. #$m here to see 5oni!a -iens.D # told her, and got no rea!tion &rom her at all. 8m, she is a lawyer here?D maybe i& # e0plained it to her a bit better she$d pretend to be help&ul.
eah, eah, that way.D way.D *he said, pointing a long'nailed long'nailed &inger as she turned her attention ba!k to her &orm. # &ollowed her &inger, and saw another darkly'tinted glass door. #n white letters was sten!iled sten!iled 5oni!a . -iens. Attorney Attorney at law. law. A &eeling o& awe washed through me. (ow9 A real lawyer. # was so e0!ited.
# walked to the door, door, &eeling ery nerous &or reasons that # !ouldn$t &igure out. # pushed it open, and stepped inside a ni!e o&&i!e done in maroons and dark greens. Two !hairs sat against the wall by the door. A single desk was a!ross the room, a !omputer set up on it, and tons o& paperwo paperwork rk s!atter s!attered ed a!ross a!ross top. top. -o one was sitting sitting behind behind it, howeer howeer.. # looked looked around, around, !on&used. !on&used. Then a door in a short hall o&& to the le&t opened, and a man looking to be in his early twenties, stepped out with a !up o& !o&&ee. e looked up and nearly threw the !up into the air. e !losed his eyes and put his hand on his !hest.
5y god, you s!ared me.D e walked oer to the desk, and set the !up down, then turned ba!k to me. %o you hae an appointment?D he asked, dabbing at his tie with a Kleene0. # guess it$s a good thing brown is in this year.D e muttered.
*orry *orry about that.D # smiled, smiled, hoping that # didn$t &eel 4uite as stupid as # &elt. 8m, # saw the ad in the paper &or'
+h, yeah. 3ight.D e sat behind the desk and sipped &rom the !o&&ee, wrinkling his nose and setting setting the !up down. *he keeps making it this strong, she$ll hae more hair on her !hest than # do.D # grinned as he looked around &or a pen.
ow about the one there?D # asked, pointing to my ear. e looked up at me, rea!hing up to &eel the Bi! behind his ear. e rolled his eyes, and began to write.
+kay, sweetie, what$s your name?$
Emily Thomas.D
Emily Thomas,D he murmured as he wrote it down. +kay. (ait here. +h, gie me your resume.D e rea!hed his hand out, and # handed him the paper that would tell 5oni!a that # had absolutely no useabl useablee e0peri e0perien!e en!e whatso whatsoeer eer.. The man walked walked o&& o&& toward toward another another door in the hall, hall, disappearing behind its dark paneling. # sat in one o& the !hairs against the wall, and !rossed my legs. # &elt ery sel&'!ons!ious in my summer dress. # rarely wore them, was told # looked good in them, and &igured this was de&initely an o!!asion &or one. # smoothed out the skirt as # waited.
on?D on?D my head snapped snapped up to see the man &rom the desk standing standing in the doorway doorway to what # assumed was 5oni!a$s o&&i!e. e smiled and waed me oer.
Thanks.D # said as # passed him. e shut the door behind me, and # turned to look around. The o&&i!e itsel& wasn$t that big, but the spa!e it did hae was used well. The !olors were like that in the re!eption area, maroons and dark greens. *urprisingly mas!uline moti&. *itting behind the large !herrywood desk was 5oni!a -iens. 5y neighbor. # stood by the door, my arms !rossed in &ront o& me, and stared at her. *he wore her dark hair ery short. )ertainly shorter than # had eer seen it, but it was ery !omplimentary to her thin &a!e, and dark eyes. *he wore a red pant suit that made &or a striking !ontrast between her dark &eatures and pale skin. *he was beauti&ul.
ello there, Emily.D Emily.D # 7umped, started &rom my appraisal to look into amused dark eyes. )ome on in. # really don$t intend to yell a!ross my o&&i!e at you.D # smiled nerously, and sat in one o& the two !hairs that were pla!ed be&ore her desk. *he looked so pro&essional, so regal sitting there with her elbows on the desk blotter, her he r &ingers steeped under her !hin. # noti!ed a pair bla!k rimmed reading glasses sitting on a manila &ile.
i.D # said, &eeling rather stupid.
#t$s been 4uite a while.D *he said.
es.D es.D # answered intelligently. intelligently. Always impressed with my own !ommuni!ation skills.
(ell,D she said, grabbing my resume &rom between her elbows that had been resting on the desk. # hae to be honest here, Emily. ou really hae no e0perien!e.D *he smiled at me. #
nodded, &eeling really stupid. And to be honest, the paper was supposed to take that add out on Friday. The The 7ob$s been be en &illed.D
+h.D # said, my heart sinking. (ell, thank you &or seeing me.D # smiled, and began to stand.
old on a se!.D *he said, sitting ba!k in her !hair, !hair, studying me. ou still still intend to go to s!hool &or law?D she asked !onersationally. # nodded enthusiasti!ally. enthusiasti!ally.
es. es. # got a s!holarship to )8. Four year.D *he raised her brows, obiously impressed. impresse d.
2ood &or you, Emily. #t$s a good s!hool.D *he said with a wink, haing graduated &rom Boulder hersel&. 6isten, # loe to see young people &ollow their dreams, so #$ll tell you what. # hae a really big !ase #$m working on right now, and !ould really use an assistant. (ould you be interested? )ould show you a bit o& the ropes.D 5y eyes lit up, and # &elt my !hest pu&& out with pride. (as she serious? 2od, please let her be serious.
Absolutely9D # said, leaning &orward in my !hair.
2reat.D *he smiled, pleased. # !an$t pay you mu!h.D
+h, that$s no problem9D # e0!laimed, probably a little too mu!h get go in that one. To me the e0perien!e is pri!eless.D # smiled. +kay, was # trying to win a beauty pageant, or get this 7ob? # had always had so mu!h admiration &or 5oni!a, and the thought o& a!tually working with, and learning &rom her was almost too mu!h.
# walked through the door o& my house as i& # were walking on a !loud. -othing !ould burst my bubble. # &lipped through through the pie!es o& mail in my hand as # headed into the kit!hen to get some i!ed tea when my brows drew, and # tossed the other stu&& on the table. 6et my mother worry about those later. # saw the heading in the top le&t hand !orner, and re!ogni1ed it as letters Aunt Kitty used to get &rom the do!tor. # plopped down on one o& the kit!hen !hairs, and slid my &inger under the &lap, ripping it open. The neatly &olded letter letter !ame out easily, easily, and # !oered my mouth with my hand as # read. # dropped my hands, along with the letter, into my lap, and stared out the window oer the sink. # !ould &eel my throat tighten, and immediately tears sprang to my eyes.
ey, honey.D 5y mom said as she brushed by with a large trash bag &rom gathering trash around the house. (hen # didn$t answer, she turned to me. Emmy? ou okay, babe?D # handed the letter to her, my eyes looking on numbly ahead o& me.
Apparently someone does not keep their re!ords updated ery well.D # said 4uietly. 5y mother took the letter, setting the bag on the &loor. *he read oer it, her brows drawn in !on!entration, then her &a!e paled and &ell. *he gently laid the paper on the table, walked oer to the sink, her shoulders slumped as she rested her weight on her arms.
-ow they want to gie Kitty a kidney.D *he breathed. # walked oer to her as she began to 4uietly !ry. # laid my hands on her arms, resting my !hin on her shoulder.
ou ou okay, mom?D # asked, swallowing swallowing ba!k my emotions emotions so # wouldn$t upset her anymore. anymore. *he nodded.
# sat in the drier$s seat, still parked outside my parent$s house, and !he!ked the address that # had been gien one last time. 2reenwood. -i!e area. #mpressed, # turned the key in the )amry, )amry, and pulled away &rom the !urb. As # droe # looked around the !ity. 5y mother had told me about how mu!h Pueblo had been growing oer the past &ie or so years, and she was !ertainly right. As # looked, # saw so many businesses and neighborhoods that had not been there when # had been a kid. A&ter the big 4uake in )ali&ornia, peo ple had le&t the state in droes, and many o& o & them had &ound new homes in )olorado. (hy not? The e!onomy was booming, and Pueblo seemed as good a pla!e to them as any other. They were settling down there, and opening new businesses, or e0panding on the one they$d had ba!k on the !oast. -ew ork had be!ome my home, but all the same, it &elt good to be in a pla!e where you knew you would always be wel!ome.
# droe by the my old high s!hool, and smiled at the !ars in the parking lot. *unday pra!ti!es &or whateer. A line o& yellow buses bu ses unloaded kids &rom a returning sporting eent. #t all seemed so long ago, like another li&e time ago. #n many ways it was.
# hoped my sla!ks and simple button'up shirt would do the tri!k. 5oni!a had told me to dress dressy'!asual. (hateer that meant, so # had !ome up with this. # parked in the ba!k lot where she had told me to, !utting the engine, and readying mysel& &or my &irst day as an assistant.
+kay,D 3i!hard, the o&&i!e manager said as he gae me the grand tourD. This is where she keeps all the &iles. They are all in order by last name. Ea!h !ase is gien a number.D e pulled one o& the manila &olders &rom a &iling !abinet, and showed me the number and the name printed on the &ront. e opened the &older, and showed me the &ile. This woman here, she is a total loser.D e said, looking ery serious as he eyed the details. -ow, don$t do what #$m doing right now, be!ause A. 5oni!a gets really, really mad. And B. #t$s really, really illegal.D # grinned and &ollowed as we walked &rom the &ile room where the !opy ma!hine and !o&&ee ma!hine$s were, and we !ontinued on to his desk in the re!eption area. This is my desk, is you hadn$t &igured that out by now. # answer all the phones, make appointments, yadda, yadda. Any 4uestions about anything other than law stu&&, ask me, not 5oni!a. %on$t get me wrong, she$s a great boss with &abulous taste in !lothes, but she has absolutely no !lue what goes on here, or how to run this pla!e.D e stopped to take a break, and a sip &rom his !o&&ee, his &inger rea!hing up to put a per&e!tly pla!ed pie!e o& blonde hair ba!k in pla!e. *he$d be lost without me.D
+h, really?D # 7umped, turning to see 5oni!a walking into the o&&i!e with her brie&!ase. *he had a brow 4uirked, and a grin on her &a!e. %on$t listen to a word he says, Emily. e$s usually &ull o& it, anyway.D
Am not.D e said, his hand on his hip with an in!redulous look on his handsome &a!e.
a!k, # need you to pull the 3eed !ase, please?D 5oni!a didn$t wait &or an answer. As she bree1ed by his desk, she dropped a white bag, whi!h made a!k$s blue eyes widen, and headed o&& into her o&&i!e. # stayed where # was, not sure what # was supposed to do. a!k 7erked toward 5oni!a$s o&&i!e, then ba!k to me. 2etting it, # &ollowed.
5oni!a waited &or me at her door, holding it open &or me, then !losing is behind her. # stood in the !enter o& the room, waiting waiting &or her to tell me what # was supposed to do. *he walked oer to her desk, her bla!k suit well'&itted, high heels sinking into the thi!k !arpet.
a!k is a pain in the ass, but #$d be lost without him.D *he &inally said, plopping down into her !hair. # sat in the !hair # had been in the day be&ore during my interiew. *he ran her &ingers through short, dark hair, hair, and sighed. +kay, +kay, well did he gie you a basi! tour o& the pla!e?D she asked, sitting &orward in her !hair with her &ingers steeped again.
es. e showed me the &ile room'
Ah, yes. (here he goes through and reads the !ases and pretends pretends that # don$t know?D # stared at her, not sure is she were 7oking or not. *he !ra!ked the slightest bit o& a smile, giing me permission to share in the 7oke.
E0a!tly. e showed me how the &ront is ran.D
2ood. +kay.D *he opened her brie&!ase and remoed her reading glasses and a pen, and a sta!k o& &olders, then pla!ed it on the &loor under her desk. ere$s the deal,D
5oni!a went on to e0plain that she was working on a !ase &or a 5rs. 3hoda 5ills. 5ills was suing her husband &or domesti! iolen!e, and also to get a restraining order against him &or hersel& and their eleen year old daughter, sighting suspi!ion o& se0ual abuse. # listened, trans&i0ed, as my new boss outlined what she had already done in the !ase, and what still needed to be done in order to go to !ourt in two weeks. (e would hae a lot o& resear!h still to do.
ow good are you at resear!h?D she asked. # looked up &rom the !ase # had been reading.
3eally good at it.D *he nodded and smiled.
E0!ellent. ou$ll be doing a lot o& it here. By time you go o&& to !ollege you$ll either loe it or hate it.D
# de!ided to take the long way, driing through the park, wat!hing &amilies as they laughed and played together. The smells o& hamburgers and hot dogs on the grills wa&ted through the open windows o& the rental !ar. # smiled as # wat!hed !hildren ! hildren !hase ea!h other, o ther, or the olleyball nets that had been set up. # braked as # saw a big red ball roll out into the narrow lane o& the park road. A man waed as he hurried in &ront o& the !ar to grab it, then ran ba!k onto the grass to le!ture a !areless !hild o& the dangers. #t seemed as i& all was well in the world.
(here the hell is my wi&e9D a man$s oi!e s!reamed out. # glan!ed up &rom my work to look at 5oni!a with 4uestioning eyes. *he had already been pulling her reading glasses o&& her nose, and glan!ing at the !losed door.
*ir, you need to !alm down.D
2et your goddamn hands o&& me9 3hoda9 3hoda, where the &u!k are you?D the oi!e was getting !loser to us in the o&&i!e, and the sound o& the &ile room door banging open made me 7ump. 5oni!a sighed deeply, and stood &rom her desk, her &a!e like stone. A moment later her o&&i!e door swung open. #n the doorway stood a large man with a hanging belly, and greasy baseball !ap oer graying hair. is &a!e was red &rom the his upset, his eyes like those o& a shrew. e looked around the room, his ga1e stopping stopping on me &or a moment, be&ore roaming oer to 5oni!a. (hi!h one a you is that -iens bit!h?D he asked, the sten!h o& his breath rea!hing to me, whiskey prealent enough to make me &eel si!k.
*ir, you hae no right to be in here.D 5oni!a said, her oi!e een, and !alm. # had no !lue how she was keeping hersel& together. 5y knees were beginning to kno!k. e glared at her.
(here$s my wi&e?D the man growled.
#$m not your wi&e$s babysitter, sir. # am her attorney.D e bared !rooked, stained teeth, taking a step &orward. 5oni!a did not no t moe an in!h, !rossed her arms oer her !hest. !h est. ou ou must know this behaior will not help your !ase any.D *he pointed out. e stopped, looked slightly !on&used, but then the anger returned to his &a!e. a!k, !all the poli!e &or 5r. 5ills.D *he said, raising her oi!e enough &or a!k to hear, neer losing eye !onta!t with the man. 3onald 5ills understanding understanding the impli!ations o& his being there. e took a step out o& the o&&i!e.
ou tell that bit!h , 3hoda that she will neer take )arrie away &rom me.D e growled, taking another step ba!k.
ou ou !an tell her yoursel& in !ourt. 2ood day, sir.D sir.D 5ills stared at her &or a moment be&ore with a breath o& disgust, walked out o& the o&&i!e. # glan!ed oer at my boss, my eyes as big as sau!ers. 5oni!a turned away &rom the door, her &ingers at her temples. # !ould tell she was shaken up, and was trying to get hersel& under !ontrol.
ou ou were brilliant.D # &inally breathed. 5oni!a !hu!kled rue&ully.
That is one thing they don$t tea!h you in law s!hool. ow to deal with irate husbands. # really thought he was going to pull a gun, or something.D something.D *he turned toward me, per!hing on the edge o& her desk, her hands still slightly shaking.
(ell, you were great. # !an$t beliee you were able to talk him down like that.D 5y admiration had grown by leaps and bounds. 5oni!a glan!ed down at her wat!h, then !lapped her hands together.
(ell, # don$t know about you, but # !ould use a break.D *he smiled at me, and # returned it eagerly. (hat do you say to some lun!h?D
a!k had other lun!h plans, so we &ound ourseles out in the histori! distri!t o& Pueblo on B *treet, sitting at an outside !a&O. # ran my hands through my hair, pulling it ba!k away &rom my &a!e. #t was a hot day, and days like that # understood the in!lination to !hop the hair. # looked a!ross the small, round table at my boss. *he pi!ked at her salad, taking a bite now and then. # stared down at my own plate, the !heeseburger and &ries long gone.
Are you okay?D # asked. 5oni!a glan!ed up at me, and nodded.
eah. That 7ust shook me up.D *he set her &ork down, and sat ba!k in the wrought iron !hair. ou know, # try and do so mu!h &or this !ommunity. (hen # &inished my &our years o& !ollege, then headed into law s!hool, # had the typi!al idealism o& youth and being naNe.D *he took a drink &rom her i!e water. # really thought # !ould make a di&&eren!e, you know?D
But you do.D # said. *he !hu!kled 4uietly.
+h, Emily. Emily. # look at you, and # see mysel& all oer again.D ag ain.D
%o you regret it? 2oing into law?D # stirred my straw around my )oke be&ore taking a sip. 5oni!a was 4uiet &or a moment as she thought o& her answer. Then with a sigh she shook her head.
-o. # don$t.D
(e talked &or another hour, and she told me all about law s!hool, and what # had too look &orward to a&ter my pre'law degree. # ate up eery word, e0!itement soaring through me. # wanted to moe on with my li&e, get away &rom the li&e o& my !hildhood. (hat my age !ouldn$t tell me then was that those would be some o& the best years, the years that # would return to in my mind.
# pulled the )amry to a stop at a stop light, and tapped the wheel with my &ingers as # waited &or it to turn green. A large part o& me was glad to be ba!k home, though it would hae been better under di&&erent !ir!umstan!es, obiously. # shook my head as # reali1ed that my twenty year !lass reunion was !oming up in a &ew years. # neer went to my ten year. At the time, it seemed pointless. -ow, # wasn$t so sure.
# reali1ed as # began to drie again, that # had through my arrogan!e, thought that nothing pre' -ew ork ork mattered. (hen in retrospe!t, eerything pre'-ew ork had shaped me into the woman # had be!ome. # think now and then we all need a good lesson like that, as pain&ul as it may be at the time.
As the weeks went by # reali1ed 7ust how mu!h resear!h 5oni!a had been talking about that &irst day. (as (as she eer wrong. There was not 7ust a lot o& resear!h, resea r!h, there was a ton o& it. # did not mind a&ter while, a&ter # got passed the oerwhelmed &eeling, that is. # &ound out that during law s!hool # would hae to hae some time in as an intern, and an d this !ould take up some o& that tha t sla!k. sla!k . # was thrilled. 5oni!a was the most ama1ing person to work &or, *he was tough, but e0tremely &air and ery generous. And, to my surprise, was a lot o& &un.
# stared up at the dark !eiling !eiling o& my bedroom, tired &rom another long night o& depositions. depositions. A&ter we$d le&t the o&&i!e, 5oni!a and # had headed to her small house oer on Park. (e set up the Burger King we$d bought on the !arpet, and went to work, trying to &ind eery angle o& the !ase we$d need. *he went oer eery point line &or line with me so # would understand the ins and outs. # was impressed with 5oni!a$s e0tensie knowledge, and the way her mind worked. *he had already told me that # !ould go to !ourt with her the &ollowing Thursday so # !ould see how this !ase, that # had worked so hard on, was &ought. #t was a simple !ustody !ase, but nonetheless, # was bu11ing with e0!itement and an d anti!ipation. 5y &irst real !ase to witness, and # would get ge t to sit at the table with 5oni!a and her !lient as her assistant. *he had told me that a&ter the trial, she had a surprise &or me.
# glan!ed out my window as a !ar passed outside, the headlights shining a!ross the !eiling like an apparition. # hugged my trusty teddy, 3u&&les to my !hest as my ga1e landed on the oerhead
light. # thought about my new boss. # wondered i& she was married, whi!h # doubted, or had a boy&riend. # had sort o& brought it up one day, and she had made pretty plain that the sub7e!t was o&& limits. limits. # wondered wondered why? (as it too pain&ul to dis!uss? dis!uss? ad she been through through a really terrible terrible break'up? # grinned as # reali1ed # sounded like one o& Beth$s stories. Beth. #t had been so long sin!e #$d seen her. #$d heard through the grapeine o& the neighborhood that she$d gotten some 7ob, though what, # had no idea, and was doing do ing the !ommunity theater. That part # did not doubt at all. # hoped she was happy. Beth desered a bit o& happiness a&ter su!h an unhappy !hildhood.
That old saying, don$t know what you$e got until it$s gone, really made sense to me that night. # reali1ed 7ust how mu!h # had taken Beth &or granted, thinking that she$d always be there. But wasn$t that what she had always said? # would be nineteen in a &ew days, and Beth would soon &ollow in +!tober. (e were growing up.
# sat at the table, digging anything out what 5oni!a asked &or. *he was brilliant, pleading her !ase to show why 6aura 5artine1 should hae !ustody o& her daughter, and not the &ather, ose *an!he1. # wat!hed the 7udge, and the 7urors to see how they responded to her. They wat!hed with interest, and sometimes out and out awe. This was de&initely what # wanted wa nted to spend the rest o& my li&e doing, and where # wanted to be. 5oni!a -iens was a sight to behold. 5y eyes trailed oer her well !ut suit, the way the gray, pin'stripped skirt !lung to her hips, the 7a!ket dipping in at the waist, then &laring out at the shoulders and bust. *he wore a silk blouse underneath, and a simple siler !hain around her ne!k to mat!h the small, siler hoops in her ears. # ga1ed ba!k down to her legs, long, shapely, and ending in sleek, bla!k heels. *he was beauti&ul.
# was shaken &rom my thoughts by her low oi!e, asking &or her notes. # shook my head to shake mysel& out o& my da1e, and handed her the yellow legal pad. *he grinned, and turned ba!k to her witness. # tried my best to !on!entrate on what was going on, but !ould not help but wat!h her eery moe. # mean, # admired and wanted to be like her some day. da y. # should look. 3ight?
5oni!a was elated as we walked out o& the !ourt room, her !lient right ne0t to her. They laughed, and talked, and 5iss. 5artine1 thanked her oer and oer again &or helping to get her daughter, daughter, 5aria ba!k under her roo&. 5oni!a was gra!ious, and kind.
Please take !are o& her, 6aura.D *he said so&tly, taking the younger woman$s hand in hers as we waited &or the eleator doors to open. 6aura 5artine1 nodded enthusiasti!ally.
+& !ourse, o& !ourse9D she said in her heaily a!!ented a!!ented English, then her happiness happiness seemed to &ade. *he looked down at the &loor. 5iss. -iens, # talked with my &ather this morning, and he is not going to be able to get the money.D *he looked up at 5oni!a with tear'stained !heeks. (ill you let me make payments to you?D 5oni!a patted her hand and smiled.
Tell you what, 6aura. ou 7ust !on!entrate on your daughter right now, okay?D the young woman$s eyes widened, as did her mouth.
(hat are you saying?D she breathed, her dark eyes &illed with hope, and disbelie&.
#$m saying, !on!entrate on you and little 5aria.D The small woman gasped, and grabbed 5oni!a in a tight, !rushing hug. 5oni!a smiled, surprised, and hugged the sobbing woman ba!k.
+h, thank you, thank you9 # pray &or you.D 5oni!a slowly pulled away and smiled down at her.
That works &or me.D
# stood o&& to the side, not wanting to intrude upon su!h a tou!hing moment. # looked &rom one to the other, my smile a mile wide. # !ould not beliee 5oni!a had 7ust waied her &ees. All that work &or what? That 4uestion was answered when # saw the happiness on the young mother$s &a!e when her two year old daughter da ughter was brought bro ught to her h er by the baili&&. # knew &rom the !ase &ile, and what we$d heard in !ourt that day, that the woman had been through enough with the &ather, and his &amily, and 7ust needed some pea!e with her daughter.
)ome on.D # was yanked &rom my thoughts by a hand on my arm, and a oi!e in my ear. # looked up to see 5oni!a standing in the eleator !age. # hurried in a&ter her. As the doors !losed, # turned to her.
# !an$t beliee you did that. # thought that sort o& thing only happened on 5atlo!k, or Perry 5ason.D *he !hu!kled, swit!hing her brie&!ase &rom her le&t hand to her right.
(ell, (ell, sometimes you hae to do what$s right instead o& what$s popular.D popular.D *he pushed the button that would take us to the lobby o& the !ourthouse, and then turned ba!k to me. Tell you what, Emily, why don$t you go on home, get ready, then #$ll pi!k you up at your house in an hour, okay?D # nodded. (hat on earth did she hae planned?
# !limbed into my eep outside o& 5oni!a$s o&&i!e, and blew out a breath. # was surprisingly tired. # think it had been more o& an emotionally tiring day as opposed to anything physi!al # did: whi!h was ne0t to nothing. # swit!hed on the ignition, and smiled as (ham (h am began to sing, (ake me up, be&ore you go'go, instead o& hanging me on like a yo'yo,D # sang along as # pulled out o& the parking lot, and headed home, a smile on my &a!e.
# gae my mother a brie& des!ription o& the trial as she sat on my bed, wat!hing me &inish up with my hair, getting ready to go with 5oni!a. 5y mother listened, and asked 4uestions. *he had been so thrilled when #$d told her where #$d be working, and what # was doing.
There$s a !lient that we$re sort o& worried about, though.D # said, as # tu!ked my shirt in, and stu!k my !omb in my ba!k po!ket. 5y mother looked at me strange.
oney, why are you taking a !omb with you when you hae enough hairspray in there to keep a small !ommunity together?D # shrugged and looked into the mirror, patting my &eathered bangs down.
# don$t know. 2uess it 7ust looks !ool.D # wat!hed her re&le!tion in the mirror as she shook her head in !on&usion. Parents. They neer understood anything about &ashion.
*o, tell me about the !lient you$re worried about.D
+h9D # turned to &a!e her, my &a!e !olored with e0!itement. (ell, we hae this !lient who$s name is, well, a!tually # !an$t tell you that. )on&identiality.D # said, &eeling rather important that # knew something something my mother didn$t. didn$t. # was slightly slightly irritated irritated when # saw her try to hide a small grin. (hat was so &unny? (ell, anyway, so this !lient is trying to get their little girl away &rom the &ather who is a !omplete monster. ust two weeks ago he barged into the o&&i!e, and threatened 5oni!a. The man$s !ra1y9D # turned ba!k to the mirror as # put on my lip gloss, sma!king my lips together. The wi&e is a&raid o& what he might do. # know 5oni!a is really worried about it.D
(ow. *ounds e0!iting.D 5y mother said, leaning ba!k on her hands. # looked at her with wide eyes, and nodded.
#t is.D *he smiled, and !o!ked her head to the side a bit.
(here are you going tonight, honey?D
5oni!a has some sort o& surprise &or me. %on$t know what$s up.D
+h.$ *he said, looking down at her hands as she sat up, entwining her &ingers together. # drew my brows together.
(hy?D # asked, grabbing my purple, @el!ro wallet, and sti!king it into my po!ket.
(ell, #t$s 7ust that it$s your birthday, and you$re neer home lately. # know me and dad aren$t as e0!iting as 5oni!a, but # thought you might want to spend some time with us.D *he looked up shyly at me, then looked ba!k down to her hands. # stared at her dumbly. -ot spend time with 5oni!a? #t had neer een o!!urred to me. # sighed. Try and be diplomati!, Em.
#$m sorry, mom.D # walked oer to her and sat on the bed ne0t to her. #& she hadn$t already made plans &or us, # would stay home. Tell you what,D # put my arm around her shoulders, Tomorrow is *aturday, and # don$t hae to work, so why don$t you and me go down to the mall, and 7ust window shop all day like we used to? (e !an een go into that musi! store, and laugh at all those !ra1y groups !oming out.D *he looked at me and grinned slightly, nodding.
+kay.D # smiled ba!k.
Thanks, mom.D # gae her a 4ui!k hug when # heard the doorbell. # shot up &rom the mattress, nearly kno!king my mother o&& the bed. *he$s here.D # was running out the door when my mother stopped me.
Emmy?D # turned ba!k to her, my hand on the door &rame.
eah?D
#$m so proud o& you, honey. ae a good time.D # smiled, and ra!ed down the stairs.
# 7umped into 5oni!a$s white eep )herokee with a smile, and glan!ed oer at her. 5y eyes were nailed to the spot.
(ow.D # breathed. ou look really good.D # muttered, then blushed deeply. # hadn$t meant to say that out loud as # looked at her red tank top that showed o&& trim, well'tanned shoulders and arms. That simple siler !hain still around her ne!k, a good !ontrast against her skin tone. *he wore ean shorts, and sandals. er short, dark hair was !lean and shiny, and !ombed ba!k. *he smiled.
Thanks. *o do you.D # smiled, and looked down at my own T'shirt and shorts. # &elt like 7ust a kid ne0t to her gra!e&ul !ountenan!e. *he ba!ked us out o& the drieway, and we were o&&.
*o where are we going?D # asked, rea!hing my arm out o& the open passenger window so # !ould try and !at!h the bree1e. *he shook her head with a smile, her eyes &i0ed &irmly on the road ahead o& us.
-ot going to tell you. oweer, we do hae a 4ui!k stop to make. #s that okay?D she turned brie&ly to me be&ore her eyes darted ba!k to the road.
Fine by me.D # said !almly, !almly, but inside inside # was 7umping &or 7oy. 5oni!a 5oni!a made me &eel so important, important, as i& what # said really mattered, and she saw me as an e4ual, not as some kid. # &elt a smile spread a!ross my &a!e as # stared out into the early eening, eerything eerything turning gold as the sun went down.
And now, a big hit &or 3i!k *pring&ield, $esse$s 2irl.$D # turned ba!k to see that she was messing with the radio, about to !hange the !hannel.
-o, wait. # loe that song.D *he put her hand ba!k on the steering wheel as the !ar was &illed with the song about a guy who had &allen in loe with his best &riend$s girl&riend.
(e 7ammed to the song as we passed through downtown, and headed toward *anta Fe Aenue, and a ba!k road that # had neer seen be&ore. # looked around. The small building was low to the ground as i& it were hiding &rom something, a &ew !ars littering littering the dirt parking lot. 5oni!a pulled up in &ront o& the building, and !ut the engine. Turning to me she smiled.
This will only take a se!.D *he said.
(ait, # want to go in with you.D # said, looking through the windshield at the building seeing a Budweiser sign in a window. mm. 5ust be a bar o& sort. 5oni!a$s &a!e darkened slightly.
8h, well, are you sure?D she asked, her oi!e slightly nerous. 5y !uriosity was de&initely pi4ued then. # nodded enthusiasti!ally.
up.D
+kay. )ome on.D
(e walked toward the door o& the pla!e, a pie!e o& wood painted bla!k, and nearly were bowled oer by someone !oming out.
5oni!a9 5oni!a9 (here you been, girl?D # looked up, and up to the tallest tallest man # had eer seen, his dark skin like polished ony0. e was e0tremely thin with ery &eminine &eatures, !hiseled !heek bones, and straight, white teeth. # s4uinted as # stared up at him. (as he wearing eye make'up?
i, 5agenta9D 5oni!a e0!laimed, su!!umbing to the massie bear hug. # wat!hed on. 5agenta? They parted, and the large man looked oer at me.
(ho$s this pre!ious young thing?D he asked, e0tending a long, narrow, yet surprisingly elegant hand &or me to shake. As # slowly pumped our hands up and down # noti!ed noti!ed that he had his nails painted a deep pink. (hat the hell?
This is Emily. *he$s working &or me &or the summer.D 5oni!a e0plained proudly. 5agenta nodded with a bright smile.
(ell, it$s sure ni!e to meet you, sweets.D e let go o& my hand and turned ba!k to my boss. *weetheart, *weetheart, #$d loe to !hat with you, but # must be going. ou ou need to !ome in some time. (e miss you, girl.D e said dramati!ally with an a&&e!tionate pat on 5oni!a$s shoulder.
# will. #$e been so busy lately.D lately.D
(ell, !at!h you two !uties later.D e said with a wink, and walked past us, out into the parking lot. # glan!ed oer my shoulder as # wat!hed him sashay to his !ar, then turned ba!k to 5oni!a to meet amused dark eyes.
)ome on, Emily.D *he !hu!kled, holding the door open &or me. # walked ahead o& her, looking around as # did. The pla!e was dim, but obiously not open &or business. As # looked at the string o& lights strung around the !eiling and support poles, my guess was that the pla!e was only lit by those tiny lights, and probably on the dark side. *mall round tables were eerywhere, !hairs sta!ked neatly on top, a hardwood dan!e &loor in the !enter o& the largish room. The long bar was to the le&t, and ba!k toward the ba!k o& the room. Two women were sitting at bar stools talking to the bartender. +ther than that, the pla!e was empty.
# moed to the side, allowing 5oni!a to walk past me as # had no !lue where we were going, and why we were there. The two women, and male bar tender looked oer o er in our dire!tion, dire! tion, one o& the women standing, but b ut not walking toward us. er eyes were on 5oni!a, 5on i!a, only brie&ly darting to me. *he was a short woman, not mu!h taller than me, with short blonde hair tu!ked under a !owboy hat. hat. *he *he wore wore tight tight'& '&itittiting ng (r (rang angle lers rs,, and bla! bla!kk boots boots.. er west western ern's 'sty tyle le shirt shirt was hal& hal& unbuttoned, reealing some o& her !leaage. 5y eyes bulged slightly when # saw that, and 4ui!kly &ound the 7uke bo0 in the ba!k in!redibly interesting.
ey, 5on.D she said, her oi!e low and smoky.
i, 6ee. Thanks &or meeting me.D They embra!ed, embra!ed, then stepped ba!k &rom ea!h other. other. # moed away a !ouple steps, not wanting to eaesdrop. # looked around, walking out to the dan!e &loor, and turning in a small !ir!le. # had neer been in a bar be&ore. #t wasn$t so bad, granted it was !losed at the time. # saw the bathrooms at the ba!k, near the pool table. A large pi!ture o& ames %ean was on the men$s, and a pi!ture o& 5arilyn 5onroe was on the women$s. mm. Kind o& !ool, # supposed. # looked past those to see more li4uor signs, mostly di&&erent di&&erent beers, and saw a giant upside down pink triangle on one o& the mirrors. # drew my brows, and walked a little !loser. # thought it a bit strange, haing no !lue what that was supposed to mean. *hrugging, # turned ba!k toward the bar. 5oni!a was sitting with the other three, talking to the bar tender, and laughing. # de!ided to see what the 7oke was.
ou guys hae got to behae9D 5oni!a was !hu!kling, rubbing at her eyes with her &ingertips. *ee, you$re making me !ry.D
ou big baby.D The blonde woman !alled 6ee said, lightly pun!hing her on the arm. Always was a problem.D 5oni!a sobered slightly, and glared at her. The bar tender who had been leaning on the bar on his &orearms stood, and smiled.
ey, kid.D e said. # smiled ba!k at him through !len!hed teeth. # hated it when people !alled me kid.
i.$ # said.
This her?D the blonde asked, looking oer at me, taking in my shorts and tee, then her eyes traeled down to my bare legs, and shoes be&ore making her way ba!k up.
6ee.D 5oni!a warned in a low oi!e. # was utterly !on&used, and #$m sure it showed on my &a!e. # looked &rom one to the other, then ba!k to the bar tender who was trying to sti&le a !hu!kle. # glan!ed at the blonde, irritated by her arrogant stan!e, and !ondes!ending ga1e.
#$m Emily.D # said, my !hin raised higher than # a!tually &elt. The blonde looked at me with hooded brown eyes, as i& she were bored. Finally a&ter &urther !ontemplation o& my legs, she swieled her bar stool around to &a!e me, her boot heels hooked on the bar o& the stool.
6ee.D *he said, tipping her hat. # &elt a strange &lush rush up my ne!k and !heeks. *he was a really pretty pretty lady, lady, and something something in that stare made me slightly un!om&ortable. un!om&ortable. *he looked as i& she were taking in all o& me with that stare, my outer as well as inner person. #t was kind o& eerie. *uddenly # &elt a boldness &low through me that # had neer &elt be&ore.
(ell, now that we hae that straight, why don$t you ask me i& #$m her or not?D the only way her e0pression !hanged was by the slightest li&t o& a dark blonde brow. *he grinned a bit, and nodded. The bar tender and other woman whistled 4uietly under their breath, and glan!ed oer at 5oni!a, then ba!k at me.
Fair enough.D 6ee said, then tipped her hat again, and turned ba!k around to grab her beer, and take a drink. # took a deep, shaky breath, not sure # belieed # had done that. # was not the type to !on&ront people like 6ee. # glan!ed at 5oni!a to meet impressed, albeit surprised, eyes. *he smiled and shook her head, turning to the others.
(e better go. #t$s this one$s birthday today.D *he said proudly, standing, and putting a hand on my ba!k. Part o& me was irritated that she would tell that blonde woman that. # didn$t want her to know anything about me. # didn$t een like her9
ey, !ongrats, kid. appy birthday.D The bar tender said with a genuine smile. # smiled ba!k, shyness sliding in again. 5oni!a pi!ked up a book o&& the bar that # hadn$t een noti!ed.
Thanks &or bringing it by, 6ee. #t$s only been nine months.D 5oni!a smiled, but 7ust as 4ui!kly it was gone.
(ell, (ell, get eerything eerything ne0t time.D 6ee said, !rossing !rossing her arms oer her !hest, her shirt opening a bit more with the moement, whi!h !aught my eye. # blushed, and tried to look away, but !aught mysel& sneaking a peek.
)ome on, Emily. Emily. 6ater, all.D
(ith a round o& good'byes, we &inally le&t the bar. # &elt re&reshed as we headed out into the parking lot that was !ertainly mu!h darker than it had been when we$d gone in. Tall Tall street lights were spa!ed strategi!ally through out o ut to rain bright, bluish light down on the !ars. !a rs. # took in a deep breath o& &resh, summer air, a ir, and let it out with a smile. 5oni!a turned to me with a grin.
ou ou look happy.D *he said as she unlo!ked unlo!ke d the drier$s side door doo r o& her )herokee.
# am.$ # grinned ba!k. *omehow that pla!e had reied me, !leansed me. # knew that seemed stupid. #t had only been a bar, # assumed like any other, but despite that blonde, # had &elt a kinship to those people, een that strange guy, 5agenta. # !ouldn$t e0plain it any better to 5oni!a than # !ould to mysel&, # knew, so # didn$t tell her. #t$s a great night.D # said, in answer to her silent 4uestion, but only reealing hal& the truth. #t$s my birthday, #$m headed to my last year as a teenager, and # hae something wonder&ul to look &orward to.D # opened my door that she had unlo!ked &rom the inside o& the eep, and !limbed in, rea!hing &or my seatbelt. # stared out the window, looking at the pla!e as # saw the sign outside suddenly turn on. )ampy$s Bar. # like that pla!e.D # said, turning to my &riend. *he raised her brows.
3eally?D
eah. # want to go ba!k some time. (hen they$re open.D
# slowly s!anned the houses that lined the street, large, old houses that had gra!es the streets o& Pueblo &or nearly a !entury or more. # glan!ed down at the pie!e o& paper in my hand to !ompare the address, when # saw it. The house was on the le&t, and stood tall, a three story @i!torian. The dark green paint was a!!ented a!!ented with white shutters, shutters, and !olumns on the por!h. # was breathless. breathless. 5oni!a and )onnie$s house was truly beauti&ul. Two !ars were parked in the narrow drie, one behind the other. # assumed both were home. # had not !alled to say # was !oming, but instead wanted the element o& o & surprise. # did d id a 8'turn in the street s treet so # !ould !ou ld park pa rk along the &ront o& the pla!e, but not &a!e the dead end that was behind me. # knew it was silly silly. ust my neres getting getting the better o& me, should # need to leae 4ui!kly. # !ut the engine o& the )amry, and sat &or a moment, staring at the lawn that # knew was well taken !are o&, winter'yellow. (ith a deep breath, # got out o& the !ar. Time to say hello to the past on!e more.
5oni!a had taken me to eat at a !ra1y pla!e !alled Papa$s Bag that had !lowns running around, s4uirting s4uirting unsuspe!ting unsuspe!ting guests with &lower's4uirt &lower's4uirt guns, or they would go up to you and honk your
nose. #t had been great &un, then she had taken me to see the newest 5olly 3ingwald moie. (e had laughed, talked, and laughed some more. #t had turned out to be one o& the best birthdays #$d had in a long time.
# had !alled a!k earlier to tell him that # was going to be in late be!ause # had had some last minute things things to take !are o& be&ore # le&t &or Boulder in a month. The summer had gone so &ast, and part o& me didn$t want to go. # almost wished # !ould hae 7ust stayed in Pueblo, and worked &or 5oni!a in her pra!ti!e. As # droe to the o&&i!e, # remembered what she had said to me when # had mentioned the thought to her.
Emily, #$m &lattered, beliee me. And you hae been o& immense help to me. But this is not your dream, to be stu!k here, working &or an attorney. our dream is to be the attorney. %on$t gie up on that. Eer.D
# turned the wheel o& my banana yellow eep, and pulled into the lot o& the o&&i!e, only to draw my brow as # saw a poli!emen getting into his !ruiser, and heading out. # &ollowed the bla!k and white with my eyes until he disappeared around the !orner. -udged out o& my da1e by my &ear, # tugged at my seatbelt, &inally getting it unbu!kled, and hurried to the side door o& the o&&i!e that would take me into the hall by 5oni!a$s o&&i!e. The door was !losed, so # by'passed it and went into the lobby to ask a!k what was going on. e sat at the desk as usual, !hewing on the end o& a pen!il.
a!k?D # asked, walking up to his desk. e looked up at me, surprised.
ey.D e said, tossing the yellow number two to the desk top. 2lad you$re in. ou should really go talk to 5on.D
(hat happened? # saw that poli!e !ar outside. %id someone break in?D # asked, looking around to see i& anything was awry. e shook his head, his per&e!tly styled hair not moing an in!h.
-o. 5on !an e0plain it to you.D e patted my hand that rested on the edge o& the desk, and pointed to the !losed o&&i!e door. Besides, # think that you$re the only one who !an keep us in our 7obs.D )on&used, and worried, # hurried oer to 5oni!a$s door. # kno!ked so&tly. so&tly.
5oni!a?D # asked, my oi!e low. -o answer. 5oni!a?D # heard a ery &aint )ome in.D so # opened the door, and !losed it so&tly behind me. 5oni!a sat behind her desk, her head in her hands. # walked up to the desk, looking down at her. 5oni!a?D # asked again, my oi!e low, !are&ul.
ey.D *he said, her oi!e thi!k and wet &rom !rying. # pulled one o& the !hairs up to the desk, and sat, neer losing sight o& her. Finally a&ter a moment o& silen!e that seemed to stret!h on &oreer, she looked up at me. er eyes were heay, and her &a!e pale.
(hat is it?D # whispered. (hat happened?D
3hoda 5ills is dead.D *he said, her oi!e dull. # stared at her, my stoma!h in knots. # knew it, Emily. (hen her husband !ame slamming in here that day # knew # should hae !alled the poli!e.D Fresh tears began to &orm in her dark eyes. 5y heart went out to her. # !ould see that she was trying to !ompletely take the blame &or what had happened.
+h, 5oni!a. There was nothing you !ould hae done. -othing.D # said, &eeling totally helpless to say anything that would make her &eel better. 2uilt was a hard thing to ley.
# knew he was dangerous though9D she !ried. e 7ust walked into the house this morning, pointed his .H at his wi&e and their daughter, and pumped three bullets ea!h into them. They neer had a !han!e.D *he swiped at her &alling tears, &rustrated that she !ouldn$t get them to stop. # grabbed her hand that rested on the desk, and took it into my own, hoping to o&&er some semblan!e o& !om&ort. (hy am # doing this, Emily? # don$t make a di&&eren!e. These people in this town are s!rewed. ust plain and simple, they$re s!rewed, and no one, and nothing !an help them, least o& all 5oni!a -iens, Attorney at law. (hat a 7oke.D *he said bitterly b itterly..
-o, 5oni!a. Please don$t say that.D # begged, &ighting ba!k my own tears at her pain, &rustration and disappointment. disappointment. ust think about all the !ases we$e worked on these last si0 weeks, and,D suddenly the &a!e o& 6aura 5artine1 &lashed be&ore my eyes. ust think o& what you did &or 6aura 5artine19D # e0!laimed, trying to hold on to anything to help her out o& the &unk she was in. er &a!e that day in !ourt when you waied her &ees,D # stopped to take a breath, 5oni!a, do you know how pro&oundly you !hanged that girl$s li&e?D she looked up at me through tear'pu&&ed eyes.
%o you really think so?D she asked, her oi!e !hild'like with hope. # nodded enthusiasti!ally.
Absolutely9D # moed around her desk until # was kneeling ne0t to her !hair, looking up at her with pleading eyes. 5oni!a, # wanted to be a lawyer be&ore, but a&ter wat!hing you, it makes me want it that mu!h more, 7ust so # !an be like you.D *he looked down at me, her eyes unwaering as she let all that # had said soak in. *uddenly the sunlight burst through the !louds, and she smiled.
Thank you, Emily. Emily. # think that is one o& the ni!est things anyone has eer said to me.D *he said 4uietly, her hand gently !oming to rest against my 7aw. # nodded dumbly. 5y solilo4uy oer, # didn$t know what to say. (ith a deep breath, the spell was broken, and she turned ba!k to her desk. )ome on, woman. (e hae some !ases to work on.D *he winked at me, and # stood, plopping down into a !hair to hear what was on the menu &or that day.
#t was a *aturday, and a rare o!!asion where we had to work, but some unpleasant surprises had !ome up on our latest !ase, and had to be dealt with pronto. # had spent the night at 5oni!a$s the night be&ore, !rashing !rashing in her spare bedroom a&ter going oer new depositions, and trying to &ind holes in the de&ense$s !ase. # sat on the &loor, my head resting against my hand as # poured oer the &ile that rested on the !o&&ee table. # was going !ross'eyed, and wanted to &all asleep again.
5oni!a?D # !alled out, neer breaking a senten!e on the &ile with my eyes, %id you &all in, or what?D # heard the toilet &lush &urther into the house, house , and turned the page to start on the ba!kside when # &elt something wet dribble on my head. he ad. (hat theD the D # looked up at the !eiling, no leaks. #t hadn$t een rained lately. # went ba!k to the &ile when # &elt it again. # turned around to get hit sma!k in the &a!e with a thin stream o& water, and a laughing lawyer. ou9D # stood, putting my hands in &ront o& my &a!e to prote!t mysel& &rom the onslaught o& the s4uirt gun. 5oni!a s!reamed with 7oy as she !ompletely soaked me. *he put the emptied gun down, and g rinned, looking at my T'shirt that stu!k to me like a se!ond skin, and bangs that hung in my eyes. # stared ba!k, my hands on my hips. ou think this is pretty &unny, don$t you?D # asked. *he nodded.
8h huh.D *he s!reamed again and took o&& running through the small house, me on her heels, and into the ba!kyard. # immediately went &or the hose, turning on the &au!et as &ast as # !ould, and then !hasing her around, trying to spray around potted plants, trees, and een the house. *he disappeared around a !orner, and the hose would not rea!h that &ar, so # de!ided to take up !amp. # !ould wait. Patien!e Patien!e is a irtue, a&ter all. # grinned to mysel& as # thought o& 7ust how wet she a!tually was. er white polo was irtually see'through, and her !otton shorts hung on her &rame, her hair pasted to her s!ull. Tea!h Tea!h her to try and an d sneak up on me'
uh9D with that thought # gasped as # &elt i!e !old water pour oer my head, into my eyes, and down my shirt, getting me een wetter than # already was. # !losed my eyes as my body ad7usted to the !old water and the heat o& the day. (hen # was &inally able to lower my hun!hed shoulders, # turned to see a grinning 5oni!a holding a water !ooler at her side. ou are eil.D # breathed. *he nodded.
up.D
(ent around the &en!e?D
up.D # nodded, then got my bearings ba!k, and brought up the hose, and pressed the no11le on the sprayer, and giggled as she s!reamed, and tried to prote!t hersel& &rom the barrage o& water. *he began to adan!e on me blindly, spitting water out o& her mouth, her eyes tightly !losed, peeking one open now and then, until she rea!hed me, and we began to struggle with the hose &or dominan!e. (e were laughing and s!reaming like s!hool girls, but it was 7ust too &unny.
-oo9D # yelped as she began to take !ontrol, nearly getting the hose out o& my hands. *he laughed eilly e illy..
a ha9D she managed to wrestle the hose &rom out o& my hands, and # took a step ba!k, my &oot getting !aught in the hose, and down # went, pulling her down with me. (e hit hard, me on the grass, her on me, leaing me breathless.
+w.D # giggled opening my eyes to look up u p at her. *he was giggling, too. *he put her hands down on the grass on either side o& me, haing tossed the hose aside, and pushed hersel& up a bit, but then stopped as she stared down at me. # looked up at her, laughing as # got my breath ba!k, only to lose it again as # stared into her eyes. er grin slowly &aded &rom her &a!e as she !ontinued to stare. # didn$t know what to do, only that # wasn$t so sure # wanted her to get up, so # 7ust laid there, my arms out to my sides. # !ould &eel 5oni!a$s warm breath on my &a!e, as she seemed to get !loser to me, spreading that warmth to other areas, her eyes lowering, staring at my open mouth. Then as suddenly as it had happened, she blinked, and pushed hersel& o&& me, rea!hing a hand down to help me up.
ou okay?D she asked, looking at the hose, gathering it up, and taking it oer to the sidewalk by the house.
8h, yeah.D # said, still in a da1e. +n!e she had it wrapped around the hose'stand, she turned ba!k to, her hands wringing the water out o& her shirt tail.
*orry, Emily.D *he grinned. (e$e both been working so hard, and # &igured we !ould use a break.D # grinned ba!k and began to wring my own !lothes out.
That was &un.D *he nodded with a smile.
# took the keys &rom the ignition, ignition, and opened my door, door, mind&ul o& any on!oming tra&&i!. tra&&i!. The walk up to the large, green house was done in &lagstone with bits o& !olored pebbles thrown into the mi0 o& mortar. # smiled at the por!h swing that swung slightly &rom the light bree1e. # glan!ed up at the in!reasingly darkening sky. #t was beginning to get !old again. # hoped a storm wasn$t going to !ome in. Finally rea!hing the por!h, # mounted the !ouple o& stairs, and took a deep breath as # rea!hed out to press the doorbell. Far o&& in the house # !ould hear !himes, and then the barking o& a dog. Footsteps on hardwood &loors, then the door was pulled open.
#t was a hot day. -ot 7ust regular, want some i!e !old lemonade hot, but let$s run and hide in the air'!onditi air'!onditioner oner hot. 5oni!a and # walked down the street, doing some window shopping on 5ain on our way to our &aorite little outside !a&O to eat lun!h. *he was dragging me &rom window to window as she gawked gawke d at the di&&erent types o& !andles. 5oni!a was wanting to re'de!orate her house, and # was to help her.
+h9D # stopped, my ga1e rieted on one o& the most beauti&ul !andles #$d eer seen. #t was a large wol&, standing at the edge e dge o& a !li&&, howling at a &ull moon. #t was wa s !ared &rom iory wa0, and the detail was e04uisite, down to the wol&$s &ur, and tail tu!ked between its legs. 6ook at that.D # breat breathe hed. d. # got no answ answer er,, and turn turned ed to see see my &rie &riend nd$s $s atte attent ntio ionn had had !ompl !omplet etel elyy gone gone somewhere else. Annoyed, # grabbed her sleee. Then my eyes wondered out to the street to see what had !aught her eye. 5y own eyes bulged in surprise. A woman was walking down the sidewalk in our dire!tion, though she was still a good &i&teen, twenty &eet away. *he was tall, long legs in loose'&itting worn blue 7eans with mat!hing holes in ea!h knee. *he wore a tight, ribbed bla!k tank that showed o&& tanned skin, and an in!redible physi4ue. *he had dark, nearly bla!k hair, !ut short, but with long bangs that &laked either side o& her &orehead. As she got !loser, # stared into her blue eyes that seemed to glow against the re&le!tion o& the sun, and when those blue eyes !rinkled in re!ognition, my stoma!h &ell.
Beth.D Beth.D # breathed. breathed. 5oni!a turned to me, broken &rom her strange da1e. And she !ut her hair.D hair.D # added dumbly.
ou know her?D she asked. # nodded, sti!king my hands in my po!kets to stop them &rom &idgeting with the sudden atta!k o& neres # &elt. As Beth got !loser, # noti!ed that her eyes darted ba!k and &orth between me and 5oni!a, a 4uestion in her lop'sided grin. 2od, she was so beauti&ul.
Fan!y seeing you here, Em.D *he said as she walked up to us, and stopped. # said nothing, but wat!hed her as she began to wat!h 5oni!a. i.D *he said to my boss.
ello.D 5oni!a said with a sweet smile. Friend o& Emily$s?D # was !urious to see how Beth would answer that. *he glan!ed at me &or a moment, then looked at 5oni!a.
(e know ea!h other.D *he &inally said. ou$re 5oni!a &rom a!ross the street.D Beth said, !o!king her head to the side to take in all o& 5oni!a, and her !ream'!olored, light'weight suit. er eyes ga1ed down at her legs, and the &itted skirt to the silk, sleeeless blouse, &inally to smile with a raised brow. 3ight?D # wat!hed, torn between the two, not sure # belieed what # was seeing. #& # didn$t know better, # would hae said that Beth was &lirting with 5oni!a. (as, was she &lirting ba!k? # was ba&&led, and &elt another strange &eeling wash oer me. ealousy. # was taken aba!k by that. -o. )ouldn$t be.
5y attention turned ba!k to the two women standing be&ore me, talking. eah, #$m Beth *ayers. 6ied ne0t door to Em, here.D 3e!ognition seemed to dawn on 5oni!a, and she nodded.
+& !ourse.D *he looked ba!k at me with a smile o& wonder on her &a!e. 5y god. ou hae de&initely grown up.D *he said, her oi!e lowering 7ust a bit.
(ell, it does tend to happen. And so hae you, by the way.D
They !ontinued to talk, and # blo!ked them out, my own &eelings like a tempest inside my head. ow !ould # be so glad to see Beth, yet wish that she$d go away? # neer in my wildest dreams saw Beth as a threat o& any kind, and then at that moment, standing on the sidewalk out &ront o& that !andle shop, # saw her as 7ust that. (hy? ow !ould # hae 7ealousy that was aimed at Beth,
and aimed at 5oni!a? #t was obious to the most dense person that something was &lying through the air with those two, yet # was not yet ready at that time to put a name to it, or to een try and identi&y it.
# would sneak a peek at Beth eery on!e in a while only to &ind my ga1e meeting blue. As always, no matter what she did, # was still always in her sights. That was both !om&orting, and unsettling at the same time. +ld habits die hard, # guess.
Emily?D Emily?D # looked up to meet the dark ga1e o& my old &riend &riend and boss. # smiled, and nodded. +h my god.D *he breathed, stepping &orward onto the por!h to wrap me in a tight hug. (hy didn$t you tell me you were !oming?D she said against my shoulder.
# guess # wanted to surprise you.D # e0plained as we parted. # looked into 5oni!a$s &a!e, now that o& a woman in her mid'&orties. *he was still beauti&ul, with her shiny bla!k hair, 7ust the tiniest bit o& gray mi0ed in. #t was longer than it had been last #$d seen her, but looked great on her. *he wore a baggy sweatshirt and mat!hing sweats, her &eet in thi!k, wool so!ks. *he held me at arm$s length, and looked me oer.
ou look wonder&ul.D *he beamed. 5y god, you$e grown up.D *he said, shaking her head in wonder. )ome in, !ome in.D
5oni!a stepped aside to allow me to enter into a large entryway, entryway, a long, narrow hall leading leading out &rom it. # looked down when # &elt something by my leg, and grinned at the little Beagle that looked up at me with great big brown eyes, brown, bla!k and white tail about to wag o&&.
This is 5olly.D *he said.
ey, 5olly.D # !ooed, bending down to gie the e0!ited dog some attention. 5oni!a led me through the large house, showing me all o& the anti4ues she had !olle!ted oer the years, and her pri1ed !olle!tion o& !andles o& eery kind and !olor. The house that she had always wanted.
ou hae got to meet )onnie.D *he said, tugging me by the arm up to the third &loor o& the old house. As we got &urther up the stairs, # !ould hear hammering. oney?D she !alled out, leading
me through a ma1e o& rooms and doors until we &inally ended up in a well'lit room &illed with windows. A woman was at the &ar end, up on a ladder, hammering away on the ra&ters there.
)onnie?D 5oni!a said, though the woman did not a!knowledge. )onnie9D
(hat?9D (hat?9D the woman almost &ell o&& the ladder as she 7erked in surprise. surprise. *he put her hand to her !hest, and glared at 5oni!a. Are you trying to kill me?D she whee1ed. 5oni!a grinned.
*orry, babe. # want you to meet someone. )onnie, this is Emily Thomas. Emily, my partner )onnie.D # smiled, so glad to meet the woman who had &inally been able to gie my old &riend what she had always wanted: loe, and a steady home.
Emily. i.D )onnie said, stepping down the rungs o& the ladder, wiping her hands on her paint' stained pants. *orry about the mess. (e$re remodeling.D *he smiled, e0tending her hand.
-ot a problem.D # smiled, taking her hand into a warm handshake.
# !ertainly wish we were meeting under better !ir!umstan!es, but #$m glad to meet you all the same.D *he said, !oering our 7oined hands with her other one.
*ame here.D # said, looking into her deep, blue eyes. Kind eyes. er hair, that was swept ba!k into a messy ponytail, with spe!ks o& white paint in it, was a deep blonde !olor, almost butters!ot!h. @ery di&&erent. *he was a simple looking woman, but beauti&ul in that simpli!ity, and her good heart shone through, e0uding &rom her like an aura.
*o where$s 3ebe!!a?D 5oni!a asked. # turned ba!k to her.
*he stayed and is babysitting.D # said sheepishly. *he 7ust adores kids, and Billy and -ina 7umped at the opportunity.D They They both smiled knowingly.
(ell, let$s all go downstairs and you !an tell us all about li&e in the Big Apple.D
# stood &rom the sta!k o& &iles on the &loor, and walked oer to the window, looking out at the dark street, street, the single single streetlight illuminat illuminating ing part o& the &ront yard. # !rossed my arms oer my !hest, and leaned my shoulder against the wall.
Emily?D # heard 4uietly &rom the room behind me.
mm?D # asked absently, my mind &araway.
ou okay, hon?D # !ould hear the !on!ern in 5oni!a$s oi!e. # nodded.
eah. eah. ust thinking.D
About?D
About what indeed. # wat!hed as two boys ra!ed down the street, lit &or 7ust a se!ond beneath the orange glow o& the streetlight, then disappearing, only their laughter to be heard in the night still. # tried to &o!us in on my thoughts, to get them in order so they$d make some sort o& sense to my &riend. They made absolutely no sense to me. # turned away &rom the window.
#$m so !on&used, 5oni!a.D # said 4uietly, my ga1e lo!ked on the !o&&ee table.
About.D *he asked again, her oi!e so&t, en!ouraging.
3emember last week, when we ran into Beth?D # asked, she nodded. # turned ba!k to the window, not wanting to see her &a!e as # told my story, staring at my re&le!tion in the glass, the night turning it into a mirror. 5y eyes were drawn to the west as a large bolt o& lightning lit the night sky, turning night into day, and making my re&le!tion disappear &or 7ust a moment, then there # was again. ow !an,D # stopped, trying to &ind the words. ow !an you miss something you neer had?D # stared into the eyes in the re&le!tion, my eyes, eyes that were transparent, the darkness 7ust on the other side, and # wondered i& the whole time had # been 7ust as transparent? ad # known what # had wanted, but wasn$t strong enough to grab it?
(hat do you mean?D # heard the so&t 4uestion, but did # understand the words? (hat did # mean?
Beth.D (as spoken almost like a prayer. (hen you two were talking that day on the street, # was 7ealous. -ot -o t the &irst time the two hae been in the same senten!e be&ore. Beth and 7ealousy.D # said. And as # wat!hed her talk to you, # reali1ed that the word 5oni!a had to be added to that senten!e, senten!e, too.D # didn$t dare look at her, terri&ied terri&ied o& what impli!ations impli!ations that admission admission !ould bring up. # was s!ared.D
+& what, Emily?D # heard asked, not &ar behind me. # still did not turn around, able to make out the ha1y re&le!tion o& 5oni!a$s &a!e behind me. # had gotten mysel& in that deep, might as well &inish it. # would be leaing &or s!hool soon, anyway.
+& losing either one o& you. To ea!h other.D # smiled rue&ully. *illy, huh?D # &inally garnered the !ourage to turn and &a!e my &riend. *he had a look o& understanding on her &a!e, her hands buried deep into her po!kets. # don$t understand this, 5oni!a.D # shrugged, showing my de&eat. *he smiled.
ou$re so young, Emily. ou hae no idea how mu!h you remind me o& mysel& ten years ago. *o ambitious, intelligent, yet utterly !on&used and blind. # on!e asked mysel&, how !an # be so smart, yet so dumb at the same time?D she smiled in remembran!e, and took a step toward me. Emily, go to Beth. *he is where your heart really lies. ou look up to me, see what you want to be. %on$t !on&use that with something that it isn$t.D # !ould &eel the sting o& !on&used emotions behind my eyes.
(hat i& it$s too late?D # asked. *he rea!hed out her hand, and pla!ed it upon my !heek.
ou$ll neer know until you try. ou$e managed to get yoursel& this &ar, &igure out this mu!h. %on$t 4uit now.D
# laid in bed, staring up at the dark !eiling on!e more, distant thunder !ontinued to rumble deep in the night sky. # held my trusty teddy, 3u&&les to me, holding on to something that was a reminder o& who # really was, o& who # thought # was, and who # pretended to be. 3u&&les had been through
it all, had seen all the !hanges. e$s seen all o& my wishes and dreams, disappointments. Probably knew me better than # knew mysel&. # released my hold and turned the bear to sit up on my stoma!h, and stared up into his &amiliar, worn &a!e.
(hat do # do, 3u&&les?D # asked, running a &inger oer the tiny line o& stit!hing where he had ripped on!e, and had been sewn ba!k together &or a teary'eyed &ie year old. # wish you !ould talk, &ella.D (ith a sigh, # pulled him ba!k to me and looked oer at my !loset doors where Bonnie Tyler and +liia -ewton'ohn smiled at me. 5y eyes ga1ed oer their &eatures, as &amiliar as my own, but yet somehow more beauti&ul that night. +liia$s big, blue eyes, and inno!ent smile. # !ould hear her oi!e inside my head singing $opelessly %eoted To ou.D # !hu!kled low in my throat. #roni!. (hat do # do, girls? *hould # go a&ter her?D
# looked to the !eiling again as my thoughts roamed to Beth. (hy was # seeing it then, rather then when we had been kids? # knew deep in my gut Beth had always known what # was purposely blind to. er heart had always been in it, and # reali1ed at that moment 7ust how bad # had hurt her so many times. (hy had she always !ome ba!k? (hy hadn$t she run away &rom me? Then # reali1ed she had. # had kept trying to draw her ba!k. *he had been happy with )asey, spreading her wings, learning about who and what she was &rom someone who would a!!ept her &or what she was. ust Beth. -o pressures, no e0pe!tations. ust Beth. Thus the !alling o& the theater. That didn$t !are who you were, or who you loed. All it wanted was its own due attention, and Beth !ould gie that &reely, gie o& hersel&. *he knew no other way to do it. And # loed her &or it. ad always loed her.
5oni!a gae me the day o&&, and # stood in &ront o& my &ull'length &ull'length mirror, mirror, staring at my re&le!tion re&le!tion as # stood in a towel, my hand !lasping the ends together. # studied my &a!e, my eyes pi!king up more blue in the green !olor with the blue o& my room surrounding surrounding me. 5y hair was sli!ked ba!k &rom my &a!e, darkened into a brownish !olor &rom the shower # had 7ust taken. take n. 5y skin was !lear, my summer tan still isible. 5y body, though short, was well'proportioned, and !ompa!t, with narrow hips, yet &ull breasts. *lowly # opened the towel some, staring at what lay beneath. Pleased with what # saw there, # dropped the towel all together, and began to get dressed.
# took spe!ial !are in what # wore that day, wearing only !olors that would bring out my eyes, and the golden tones o& my hair. # pulled my tight !ut'o&&s up my &reshly shaed legs, !are&ul to not wipe the lotion o&& too mu!h. # struggled into my snug'&itting baby'doll tank, and pulled it down oer my torso, 7ust the barest bit o& my stoma!h showing. showing. # took a deep breath as # wat!hed wat!hed the out&it !oming together, keeping a !are&ul eye out &or any imper&e!tion. # ran my hands through my dried hair, letting it &all lose around my shoulders, wisps teasing my ne!k. # slid my bare &eet into white Keds, and studied the &inished produ!t. # had to admit, # looked damn good. # applied the
tiniest amount o& gloss, and grabbed my keys. # was ready. 3eady to &inally tell her how # &elt, what # wanted.
The 3ogers Theater was in the !enter o& town, an old, two'story building that had on!e been a library. The s!ulpted molding around the edges, and the 3oman !olumns gae it a histori! &eel. Truly a beauti&ul building. # walked up the long stair!ase, my stoma!h in my throat as # &inally rea!hed the large, heay double doors. The theater was kept dark, the whir o& &ans &illing the near silent spa!e. # looked around, trying to &ind anyone help&ul. +r 7ust anyone at all, &or that matter. # &ound my way to the auditorium, auditorium, the house lights lights !ompletely o&& to keep the heat leel down, the lights on the stage making the a!tor$s &eel like &ast &ood as it was.
# stood in the ba!k, and wat!hed the rehearsal rehearsal &or a moment, !hu!kling !hu!kling at the anti!s o& some o& the !hara!ters. *eeing my &ill, and wanting to get on with why # was there, # walked down the long, slanted aisle toward the stage, looking &or someone who was not busy. # smiled when # saw a girl sitting in the &ront row, row, her legs stret!hed stret!hed out in &ront o& her, her eyes glued to the stage. # stopped a &ew &eet &rom her, and !leared my throat. *he glan!ed oer at me with her eyes, raising impatient brows.
i.D # said, she !ontinued to glare. 8m, hae you seen Beth *ayers?D
eah.D eah.D *he said, turning her eyes e yes ba!k to the stage.
ou ou hae seen her?D # asked, trying to prompt promp t her.
eah, eah, seeral times.D # rolled my eyes. e yes.
(here is she?D # tried to keep the impatien!e impatien!e out o& my oi!e. (ithout taking her eyes &rom the stage, she rea!hed her arm ba!k behind her, pointing pointing in the general dire!tion dire!tion o& the ba!k o& the auditorium. # hurried in that dire!tion, not sure where to look, but &igured it was a starting pla!e.
# walked along the ba!k wall, the window o& the lighting booth aboe me, then spotted an E#T sign 7ust ahead. # pushed the door open, to &ind mysel& in a long, !inderblo!k hallway with harsh, &luores!ent lights aboe. Cuite a !hange &rom the darkness o& the theater. # s4uinted &or a moment until my eyes !ould ad7ust. (hen they did, # stopped dead in my tra!ks.
%own toward the end o& the hall were two &igures, two women. +ne was pushed against the lime' painted wall, wall, the other pressed up against her. The one against the wall was a beauti&ul beauti&ul woman with short, &iery red hair, and the other one was Beth. # wat!hed as a s they smiled at ea!h other, rapt up in a !onersation !onersation too low &or me to hear, hear, and then they kissed, long and deep. The red head had wondering hands, slipping underneath underneath Beth$s shirt, or in her hair. hair. Beth pulled the woman to her, her hands &inding the woman$s rear'end.
# was le&t spee!hless, wanting to &ind a hole, and !rawl in, neer to !ome out again. # &elt like su!h a &ool. # 4uietly turned, wanting to slink away, Beth neer knowing # had eer been be en there.
Em?D # !ringed, stopping 7ust short o& the door. # !losed my eyes, took a deep breath be&ore # turned around. Beth had disentangled hersel& &rom the redhead, and had taken a !ouple o& steps toward where # stood. # looked at her, unable to say anything. anything. *he smiled smiled in !on&usion, !on&usion, and took another step. (hat are you doing here?D the redhead wat!hed me with !urious eyes, still leaning against the wall. # turned ba!k to Beth, the 4uestion still heay in the air.
#, well, # um. # saw you were in the play, and so # wanted to !ome by and, well, # wanted to tell you, to,D 5y mind was a mess, whi!h was starting to &low out o& my mouth. # stopped mysel&, took another deep breath, then looked into her eyes again. *he was !on&used, and # !ouldn$t tell i& she was also amused or annoyed. # wanted to tell you that #, well, that.D # took yet another deep breath. # wanted to !ome by and say goodbye.D *he blinked, taken aba!k.
2oodbye?D she repeated the word, tasting it on her tongue.
es.D # said, my heart breaking. #$m leaing &or Boulder on *aturday, and wanted to wish you lu!k on your play,D # glan!ed at the redhead, and eerything.D *he smiled slightly, but # !ould not read her at all. *he had totally blo!ked hersel& o&&. # had neer hit a bri!k wall with Beth, and &ound it e0tremely dis!on!erting.
+h.D *he said 4uietly. #$m glad you did. 2ood lu!k to you, too.D # smiled weakly and nodded, turning away again, heading &or the door. Em?D # glan!ed at her oer my shoulder. %on$t # een rate a hug?D she asked 4uietly. # &elt my !hest e0pand suddenly, my emotions wanting to e0plode out in relie& and regret. # turned, and walked toward her as she walked to me. *he rea!hed &or me, pulling me to her in a bone'!rushing hug. # wrapped my arms around her ne!k, as hers wrapped around my waist. # !ould &eel her breath against my ne!k, her body against mine, and
!losed my eyes as # &elt a tremendous tremendous sense o& loss already, already, and she was in my arms. # &elt her hand moe up to !up the ba!k o& my head, and the so&test kiss against the side o& my ne!k be&ore she slowly released me. *he smiled down at me, the old Beth, the Beth that # knew inside and out, then without a word she let me go, and turned to walk ba!k to the redhead. # wanted to wat!h as long as # !ould, but my &eet had other ideas. Be&ore # knew what was happening, happen ing, # was out on the sidewalk, headed &or my eep.
# sat behind the steering wheel, my hand on my !hest as it !ontinued to e0pand until # thought # would burst. (ithout warning, # grabbed the wheel in a death'grip with shaking hands as my emotions did e0plode, and the oer&low slipped &rom my eyes to soak through the thin material o& my shirt, the spot getting bigger and bigger as the &lood kept !oming. "# neer thought # knew what loe !ould be, but now # &ind out." Blue eyes stared in wonder, eyes that were &ull o& li&e and passion. "# was su!h a &ool, and # pray that you !an &orgie me. *omeday."
5y eyes were &illed with tears as # shot to my &eet, my hands stinging as # !lapped, my heart in my throat. The !urtains !losed, and # &elt the impa!t o& Beth$s last words hit my heart yet again. *he had tou!hed me, and as # looked around, # !ould see that # had not been the only one. The !urtains opened again as the large !ast took their !urtain !alls. Beth &inally !ame out, her smile wide and satis&ied. sa tis&ied. #t always had ama1ed me that no matter how many plays she did, Beth neer lost that look o& wonderment, wonderment, and awe. As i& reali1ing reali1ing &or the &irst time time that she !ould eoke that strong o& a rea!tion out o& a group o& total strangers.
Beth was looking around in the darkness at the &a!es that # knew were dark and &oreign to her. (anting to beat the !rowd, # stepped out o& my aisle seat, and headed out o& the theater. the ater.
The warm summer night air hit my &a!e with a so&t, !om&orting tou!h, !ooling the drying trails on my !heeks. # walked to my eep with a deep sense o& grati&i!ation. grati&i!ation. # had wanted to see Beth on stage 7ust on!e more. more . *he was still as stunning as eer, and only 7ust got better.
# &elt ery sad then, then, my heart heay heay as # sat behind behind the wheel. wheel. ust two days ago # had been sitting in that ery pla!e, !rying like # had neer !ried be&ore. )rying &or all the what'i&s, and the missed !han!es, lost &oreer. # knew that, and 7ust had to learn to a!!ept it. Beth had waited as long as she !ould, but !ould not put her li&e on hold &oreer. # didn$t blame her. But still..
# stu!k the key into the ignition, and the eep roared to li&e.
# had sat in the liing room talking with 5oni!a and )onnie &or a !ouple o& hours, !at!hing up on their lies, and them !at!hing up on mine and 3ebe!!a$s, when there was a lull in !onersation. # sat in my !hair sipping my !o&&ee, thinking about the ne0t day. # knew it was going to be e0tremely di&&i!ult, and part o& me dreaded it deeply. "Emily, walk with me." 5oni!a said &inally, dragging me &rom my thoughts. # looked up at her, and without a word # set my !up aside, and stood. "ang on. Be right ba!k." *he disappeared up the stairs, and # pulled my !oat on. 5oments later, # heard the sound o& &eet !oming down the long stair!ase, and &ollowed my &riend as she led the way to the &ront door a&ter kissing )onnie gently.
(e stepped out into the late a&ternoon, the air !risp, and mu!h !older than when #$d arried earlier in the day.
"# sure hope it doesn$t snow." 5oni!a said as we headed toward the sidewalk, glan!ing up at the iron'gray sky. # nodded.
"5e, too."
"#$m so glad you !ame, Emily." *he said, smiling at me as she shoed her hands into the po!kets o& her 7a!ket.
"# am, too. This has been a tough trip, though." # admitted. # knew that # !ould tell her what was on my mind, and how # really &elt about things. *he would not 7udge me. *he neer had. "# should hae !ome ba!k a long time ago, 5oni!a." # said 4uietly. "#t was ery sel&ish and pretentious o& me not to. # see that now."
"%on$t be too hard on yoursel&." *he said, 7ust as 4uietly.
"-o, 5oni!a. # had no idea my brother had three kids9" kids9" # e0!laimed, e0!laimed, stopping stopping her with a hand on her arm. *he looked at me with sympatheti! eyes. "(hat kind o& a sister does that make me? (hat kind o& an aunt?"
"A ery busy one." # !hu!kled so&tly.
"That$s a good e0!use, though #$m a&raid it has grown old and thin."
"*ometimes we !an get our priorities all messed up and ba!kwards. #t happens to the best o& us." (e were both 4uiet as we !ontinued to walk on. "Beth !ame to see me last year, Emily." # turned to glan!e at her. "*he !ame home." # nodded.
"# know. *he told me." # almost whispered.
"*he gae me something &or you."
"(hat?" # asked, my oi!e so&t with surprise. 5oni!a stopped us again, un1ipped her 7a!ket a bit, rea!hing inside to pull out an enelope. *he handed it to me, and numbly # took it. # turned it oer in my hands, seeing my name s!rawled on the &ront in her usual large, bold writing. #t simply read To Em. # !ould only stare, not sure what to do. # knew that # didn$t want to open it up then. # was not ready. "Are you okay?" # heard whispered near my ear. # nodded, unable to speak &or &ear # might !hoke on whateer # might say.
(e were !losing up the o&&i!e early in honor o& my leaing the ne0t day. 5oni!a wanted to so something spe!ial &or me, but # had to !hose what it was.
"# told you, Emily, it$s your !hoi!e." *he said &or the tenth time. # !losed the blinds around the o&&i!e, and turned ba!k to her as she lo!ked up her desk, and threw some papers into her brie&!ase. # drew my brows, &rustrated. # didn$t know what # wanted to do. There really weren$t any good moies out that # hadn$t already seen with her, and # wasn$t hungry. # stopped in my tra!ks, an idea hitting me like the preerbal bri!k wall. # turned to her, my hand on my hip, my head !o!ked to the side in !uriosity.
"(ould you take me to that pla!e?" 5oni!a looked up, one brow raised.
")are to be a little more spe!i&i!?" she drawled.
"That one pla!e. That bar." *he stood and stared at me &or a moment
"ou mean )ampy$s?" # nodded. "+h, Emily, # don$t know." # walked oer to her, leaning on the desk, giing her my most besee!hing look. *he looked up at me and grinned, rolling her eyes. "(hat$s the puppy'dog eyes &or?"
"# want to go." # said simply. *he !ontinued to stare at me.
"ou$re "ou$re too young. That is a bar, Emily."
"+h, !ome on, 5oni!a. ou !an$t tell me that you !an$t get me in?" she stood, !rossing her arms oer her !hest, !hewing on one side o& her lip. Finally Finally nodding, as i& she had !ome to some sort o& de!ision.
"+kay. (e$ll go to )ampy$s." # smiled. This should be interesting.
As # dressed # thought o& where we were going. #t had o!!urred to me what kind o& pla!e that bar had been, later. # wasn$t sure why it hadn$t that day. # had heard o& pla!es like that be&ore when # had been in s!hool, s!hool, but it had neer really registered, registered, and # had neer paid any attention. attention. # &elt a surge o& energy, and !uriosity, and &igured what the hell. # was out o& Pueblo soon anyway.
# de!ided to dress !onseratiely in lose'&itting blue 7eans and a T'shirt. # wore my hair ba!k in a ponytail. # looked into the mirror, and reali1ed # looked like # was twele. (ith a sigh, # pulled the band out o& my hair, and !ombed it all down around my shoulders. #t helped a bit. # looked &i&teen instead. instead. # sat on my bed to put my shoes on, and my mind dri&ted to Beth. # wondered wondered i& she had eer been to )ampy$s. (ouldn$t surprise me. Part o& me, a large part, a!tually, wished that she were going with us. u s. +r with me. me . # missed her so mu!h. A&ter seeing her twi!e in the last !ouple weeks, a&ter not seeing her at all &or seen months, mo nths, # was !raing that whi!h only she !ould &ill. # knew that it was !ra1y o& me to wish &or something that was 7ust not going to happen. # was &ar too logi!al &or that. But all the same. # wondered i& she was still with that pretty redhead &rom the theater. ad she been another a!tress? # didn$t re!all seeing her in the play. 5aybe 7ust a &an. 6ike me.
"+kay. "+kay. ou$re ou$re sure about this?" 5oni!a asked as we sat in her )herokee outside o& the bustling )ampy$s. # stared at the building at the end o& the parking lot, and listened as the heay beat o& musi! pounded out o& the open door. # nodded. "+kay. 6et$s go."
5y eyes took in eerything as we walked through the door, 5oni!a haing to do some pretty smooth talking to the boun!er so # !ould get in. #t !ertainly looked di&&erent than it had with all the lights on. The air was &illed with a smoky glow as all the thousands o& twinkling lights !aught !igarette smoke. #t also seemed to ibrate with the beat &rom the musi! whi!h was 5otley )rQe, the heay guitar and o!als almost dea&ening. Fa!es were hard to make out in the red hue o& the pla!e, but # !ould see tables 7am'pa!ked with !rowds o& talking, drinking, laughing people. 5ostly women, but men were wondering around, too.
"%o you want something to drink?" 5oni!a asked, leaning in !lose so # !ould hear aboe the noise. "-on'al!oholi!." *he said pointedly. # shrugged inno!ently.
"A !oke?" she smiled, and headed toward the bar. # started started to &ollow, &ollow, and nearly ran sma!k into someone, or did they nearly run sma!k into me? # looked up, startled, startled, to see short, !urly blonde blonde hair, and hal&'lidded brown eyes.
"#n a hurry?" she asked.
"*orry." # said. *he shrugged bare shoulders, and looked oer to 5oni!a who stood at the bar.
"(hat$re you two doing here?" 6ee asked.
"#$m leaing tomorrow tomorrow,, so # wanted to !he!k the pla!e out. (hen it$s open." # e0plained, though # don$t know why # was bothering. *he nodded, and walked away. # stared a&ter her, shaking my head. (hat a strange woman.
"(hat?" # turned to see 5oni!a standing ne0t to me, her brows drawn as she looked to see what had !aught my attention, and had me &rowning. # nodded with my head toward the table where
the blonde sat with a large group o& women. "+h. #$m not surprised. surprised. *he$s here all the time. That was part o& the problem." *he muttered. # turned to her, !urious.
"Part o& the problem?" then it dawned on me, making me want to wha!k mysel& in the &orehead. "ou two were together?" # asked, my oi!e a whisper. *he grinned with a nod. "+h." # looked ba!k to the blonde, new understanding. # &elt so thi!k. "*o you are, well, into.this?" # asked, my hand out to in!lude the whole room.
"ae been &or almost ten years, now." *he smiled. # nodded dumbly. ")ome on." *he !hu!kled, walking toward an empty table in a !orner. ! orner. (e sat, me with my !oke, 5oni!a with her beer, whi!h # eyed. "ou like beer?" she asked, taking a sip. # s!run!hed up my &a!e, shaking my head.
"Tastes like !arbonated horse piss." *he set the bottle down, and threw her head ba!k in a howl o& laughter.
"*omething you$e tried re!ently?" she asked as she !almed, an amused smile planted on her &a!e. # stu!k my tongue tongu e out at her.
"2ood eening, ladies." 5y head snapped up as a woman with a tray walked up to our table. "For you." *he set another beer on a small, round !ardboard !oaster in &ront o& 5oni!a.
"(ho?" my &riend asked, glan!ing around the bar. The waitress pointed to a table three tables down, and walked away. 5oni!a strained her ne!k to look behind her at the table, seeing a woman raise her glass in salute. 5oni!a smiled, and raised her beer. # wat!hed, &as!inated. &as!inated . The woman was attra!tie a ttra!tie with long, brown hair. The bar was too dark to see any o& her &eatures ery !learly. "#$ll be right ba!k, Emily." 5oni!a said, turning ba!k to me. "ou be okay &or a se!?" # nodded.
"eah, go ahead." *he !hugged her beer, taking the new one with her. # sat ba!k in my !hair, wat!hing as !ouples stood &rom their tables and headed toward the dan!e &loor that was already &illed with a steady throng o& dan!ers. #t was su!h a new e0perien!e &or me to see a woman leading another woman to the dan!e &loor, or ba!k to their seats, talking !lose, leading to a kiss. #t was almost an oerload o& images, and my body was thrumming with the new knowledg e opening to me. ow had it happened so suddenly to me? 6ike a bri!k &alling &alling out o& the sky, sky, thumping me
on the ba!k o& the head? # suppose # 7ust wasn$t ready be&ore. Eerything happens in its own time.
"ou look lost." 5y head snapped up to see 6ee standing at the table, an amused grin on her &a!e. 2od knows # !ertainly &elt lost in a way at that moment, but # did not want the blonde to know that. # shook my head.
"ust thinking." *he pulled out a !hair, and plopped down in it, sipping &rom her water.
"Penny &or your thoughts?" she said, leaning ba!k in the !hair, bringing her booted &oot up to rest on the !hair ne0t to her. # studied her &or a moment, wondering what she wanted. *eeing nothing but genuine !uriosity, # de!ided what the hell.
"#$e neer been to a pla!e like this be&ore." # said, my oi!e almost shy. # &elt really young at that moment. *he nodded.
"Kind o& interesting, interesting, isn$t it? (hole new world, kid." # nodded, she smiled. "5oni!a tea!hing you the ropes?" she wiggled her brows, and glared, !at!hing her obious meaning.
"*he$s my boss."
"All the better." be tter."
# rolled my eyes, and looked out toward the dan!e &loor. *he !hu!kled.
"#$m 7ust kidding, Emily. ey, 7ust a 7oke." # glan!e ba!k at her, annoyed. ")ome on. 6et$s dan!e." Fear gripped me immediately, and # shook my head. ")ome on, # won$t bite. 6et$s go." *he stood, s!ooting s!ooting her !hair ba!k under the table. # glan!ed oer to see 5oni!a talking to the woman who had bought her a drink, then looked up to see 6ee patiently waiting &or me. +n shaky legs, # stood, and slowly &ollowed the blonde to the dan!e &loor. The song was &ast pa!ed, and bodies were thrashing about. # tried to be !are&ul not to get sma!ked in the &a!e by a weaing hand or arm. 6ee &ound us a pla!e near the edge o& the &loor, and began to moe. # wat!hed her &or a
moment, then began to dan!e mysel&. # loed to dan!e, and so de!ided to 7ust let go. The blonde smiled, and # smiled ba!k 5aybe this wasn$t so bad.
The song ended, and another began, )yndi 6auper, "2irls ust (anna ae Fun". # giggled as 6ee 7oined in to help )yndi along, her oi!e o&ten getting lost in the loud olume o& the musi!, her moement wild and silly to mat!h the song. # was haing a ball when # turned around and noti!ed 5oni!a sitting at our table. *he was wat!hing us, an unreadable look on her &a!e. 6ee noti!ed where my attention had gone, and turned ba!k to me.
"*he tell you we used to date?" she asked, moing a bit !loser to be heard aboe the beat. # nodded. "(hat did she tell you?"
"-ot mu!h." # answered with a shrug. Part o& me wanted to ask 4uestions, but then # thought better o& it. Any 4uestions # asked should be to 5oni!a, not her e0.
"(e lied together." *he !ontinued. # 7ust wat!hed on, 4uietly hoping she$d tell me more. "For 7ust oer a year." *he turned, grinding with a &riend o& hers who dan!ed ne0t to us. # wat!hed them as they laughed, and hugged ea!h other. other. That had been interesting. interesting. # had a &eeling the new world # had be!ome a part o& would bring &orth many new dis!oeries. 6ee turned ba!k to me and in!hed her way to me until ne0t thing # knew, she was behind me, her hands on the sides o& my thighs as she hun!hed down, taking me with her, her &ront grinding into my rear'end. # wasn$t sure what to do, but reali1ed that 7ust underlying the un!om&ortable sur&a!e was a !omplete sense o& being turned on. ust a bit dis!on!erted, # s!ooted away &rom her, and turned to &ind her grinning at me.
"(hy$d you break up?" # asked, 7ust this side o& sar!asti!.
"# like to hae too mu!h &un." *he said with a shrug. # !ouldn$t beliee she was so non!halant about it. # glan!ed ba!k oer in my boss$ dire!tion to &ind her still staring at us, the slightest pained e0pression on her &a!e. "But," # turned my attention ba!k to her. *he had dropped the !areless smile, was looking at 5oni!a. "# do hae my regrets." # was surprised at the wist&ul tone in her oi!e. The blonde seemed to shake hersel& out o& her reerie, and smiled at me. ")ome outside and hae a smoke with me."
"# don$t smoke." # said.
"(ell # do. )ome on."
# &ollowed 6ee o&& the dan!e &loor, and out the &ront door o& the !lub. *he walked us oer to a large Ford, and yanked the tailgate down, hopping up onto it. # did the same, our legs dangling ba!k and &orth. 6ee took a pa!k o& 5arlboro$s out o& her shirt po!ket, po!ket, and stu!k a slim, white !igarette !igarette into her mouth. *he o&&ered me the pa!k.
"ou sure?" she asked when # shook my head. (ith a shrug, she stu!k the pa!k ba!k into her shirt, taking a lighter out, &li!king the wheel to release the small, yellow &lame. # stared out into the night as she took a deep drag, e0pelling e0pelling the smoke &rom her nose and mouth with a sigh. "2ets so !rowded in there." *he said, putting her hands on the !ool metal o& the gate on either side o& her legs.
"ou !ome here a lot?" # asked, glan!ing at her. *he nodded, taking another drag.
"Few times a week."
"%on$t you work?" # asked, in!redulous. *he !hu!kled.
"*ure do. This is how # rela0." rela0." *he e0plained. e0plained. To To me it seemed &ar more stress&ul stress&ul than rela0ing, rela0ing, but to ea!h her own. "*o, you like working &or 5oni!a?" # nodded. That seemed sa&e enough territory. "*he a good boss?" again, # nodded. "2ood." *he took another, long drag, staring o&& at the !ars that droe by on the highway. "*he seeing anyone?" # glan!ed oer at her, not !om&ortable with the 4uestion at all.
"# really don$t think that$s any o& our business, 6ee." *he nodded.
"Fair enough. #$m sorry. %on$t mean to get you inoled."
"*$okay." # said with a small smile. # understood. #& # had run into that little redhead that had been with Beth at the theater, # would hae ha e pi!ked p i!ked her he r brain, too. %oes she talk about abou t me? %oes she think about me? %oes she miss me? All 4uestions that # would probably neer know. -eer get to ask or &ind out.
5y head drooped slightly as # thought about the rami&i!ations o& those thoughts.
"ou okay, kid?" # glan!ed oer to see 6ee staring at me, her dark blonde brows drawn as she studied me. # nodded.
"eah." "ou$re kind o& new to this world, aren$t you?" she asked, indi!ating the building to our le&t. # nodded again. (as it stamped on my &orehead? # !ouldn$t help but wonder, was there some sort o& right o& passage # was supposed to take? (hat was this new world she spoke o&? (as it like its own !ommunity, or !ould you 7ust !ontinue to be you? #t was all ery !on&using &or me then. # sighed.
"es."
"Thought so. Tell Tell your &olks, yet? # mean, # assume you still lie with them?" # stared at her. her. Tell Tell my &olks? #t had not een o!!urred to me. *uddenly # was morti&ied9 (hat would they say? ow would they rea!t? %id # hae to tell them? 5aybe they didn$t need to know. A&ter all, # was no di&&erent then # had been all my li&e. # shook my head. "eah, it$s tough to do." # 7ust stared at her as she blew a pu&& o& smoke up into the dark sky, wat!hing as it got lost aboe the rea!h o& the parking lot lights. "ou know my mother ki!ked me out when # told her." *he glan!ed down at me &rom the !orner o& her eye, grinned at my look o& sho!k, a small dimple playing playing near her mouth. "*orry. 2uess that$s not the kind o& thing you need to hear." *he dropped the !igarette on the ground, rea!hing her booted &oot down to smash the butt into the grael. *he stared up at the sky, so # did the same. A star &ell a!ross to our right. 6ee pointed up. "*ee that?" she asked, glan!ing at me. # nodded. "5ake a wish, kid. ope it sti!ks."
# !ould not remember the wish that # had made that night while siting on that tailgate with 6ee. As # droe away &rom 5oni!a and )onnie$s house. # glan!ed oer at the enelope that laid on the passenger seat o& the )amry. )amry. (hat did Beth hae to say? # pulled up to a stop light, and stared out at the street, my hands on the wheel, thumbs !aressing the leather. # looked oer at the letter again, grabbing it, looking at it. +nly my name. # ran my &ingertip oer the bold writing, a small
smile playing a!ross my lips. ust like Beth. Bold, but solid. The light turned green, so # laid the enelope down, and droe on.
"*o what did 6ee hae to say?" # was pulled &rom thoughts o& breaking the news to my parents when # heard 5oni!a$s oi!e. # blinked twi!e as what she had asked reg istered.
"+h, ah, not mu!h. ust talked about when she was younger, her mother. That sort o& thing." *he nodded, steering the )herokee through town.
"eah. ou know the way Beth and her mom used to &ight?" she didn$t wait &or a response. "That was 6ee and Ann all oer again. 2od, night and day." day." *he shook her head sadly.
"ou "ou remember Beth, then?" # asked, trying trying to hide my surprise surprise with non!halan!e. *he nodded, and grinned oer at me.
"eah. # do. # didn$t pay mu!h attention to you guys growing up, but on!e # saw her that day, # remembered her. Poor kid."
"Beth$s not a kid." # pouted. "And neither am #." # glan!ed out the side window. At the bar # had hoped that 5oni!a would hae dan!ed with me. *he neer asked. # had &elt le&t out as most o& her time had been with the woman who had bought her a drink. A&ter 6ee had &inished her !igarette, !igarette, she had wished me good night and good lu!k, and had headed home. 5oni!a had been nowhere in sight when # went ba!k to our table. # had &elt young and ulnerable like a !hild who had lost her mother in a shopping mall, hungry pairs o& eyes si1ing me up. 5oni!a said nothing to my !hildish retort, but # !ould &eel her eyes on me.
"+kay, Emily. Emily. (hat$s wrong? Are you mad be!ause # talked to Arlene?"
"(ho?" # asked, knowing &ull well who she meant. # was &eeling di&&i!ult.
"The woman with the beer?" she said, her oi!e dripping with sar!asm. # tried to hide a slight smile, but &ailed miserably. 5oni!a was seeing right through my brooding, and re&used to play along. # !ould neer stay mad at her long, anyway.
"-o. # 7ust &elt really alone." # muttered. 5oni!a turned into her drieway, pulling the break, and shutting down the engine. # looked around, surprised to see she had taken us to her house. #t was late, and # had wanted to get an early start the ne0t morning. # turned to her, 4uestioning.
"# want to gie you your going away gi&t." *he said with a smile. ")ome on." *he opened her door. "#$m sorry about that, Emily, Emily, really, really, # am. # saw you talking to 6ee, so &igured &igured you didn$t want me around. # mean, # got you in, the rest was up to you." *he e0plained e0plained 4uietly as she sear!hed &or the right key to let us in the small house. # put my hand on her arm to stop her, and get her to look at me.
"5oni!a, why did you think that? # wanted to go there, yes, but # wanted to go with you." er &a!e brightened, but she said nothing. "ou$re su!h a good &riend, and so mu!h &un to be with." *he smiled shyly, and turned ba!k to the door, holding it open &or me. # walked in ahead o& her, running my hands through my hair as # made my way to the liing room, hearing 5oni!a not &ar behind. "ou know, know, 6ee brought up a really good point tonight: one on e that # had not thought tho ught o&."
"(hat$s that?" my &riend and boss asked absently as she knelt in &ront o& her stereo, &inding 6aura Branigan, $2loria$. "+h, loe this song." *he said, sitting on the !ou!h, taking o&& her shoes with a !ontented sigh, tossing them aside.
"5y parents." # said, sitting in the !hair a!ross &rom her. 5oni!a glan!ed at me under her bangs, her brows drawn in !on&usion. "Telling them? About me?" # said.
"+h." *he breathed, sitting ba!k against the so&t, green material. *he stared at me &or a moment, her eyes hal&'hooded in thought. "(ell, you !ould not tell them, # suppose." *he !hu!kled. "#$m sure that would go oer well." # sighed.
"%on$t you think maybe # should wait to tell them until #$m really sure?"
"Aren$t you?"
"# don$t know9" # e0!laimed, plopping ba!k in the !hair, my &a!e buried in my hands.
"ey." # heard 4uietly spoken ne0t to me. # peeked an eye out to see 5oni!a kneeling ne0t to the !hair, her hands on the arm. *he looked up at me with the so&test smile.
"Beliee me, Emily. ou$ll ou$ll know. (hen the time is right, you$ll know." kn ow." *he smiled en!ouragement, en!ouragemen t, # tried to smile ba!k, but only managed &or a millise!ond. 5oni!a stood, o&&ering her hand to me. ")ome on. 6et$s dan!e."
"(hat, now? ere?" # asked, taken o&& guard by the sudden !hange o& sub7e!t. *he nodded.
"eah. # didn$t get to dan!e with you at )ampy$s."
# didn$t want to, but # took her hand, stood. # &ollowed her to the middle o& her liing room, and she turned to &a!e me, letting go o& my hand. A &ast one by %e& 6eppard played, and we began to dan!e, !hu!kling as one tried to outdo the other. *he began to twist, her arms tu!ked into her sides, knees together as she got lower and lower, her body twisting in the strangest way. # stopped, my hands on my hips.
"ow the hell !an you twist to this?" # asked, indi!ting the stereo with a nod o& my head. *he grinned.
"All$s &air in loe and ro!k and roll." *he said, her oi!e breathy &rom the e0ertion.
"8m, isn$t that loe and war? +omph'9" my head &lew ba!k as # was suddenly pulled to her, one o& her hands on my lower ba!k, the other holding holding mine. *he began to hum along to the &ast beat o& the musi! as she led us around the limited spa!e o& the room, twirling me under her arm, then leading us ba!k the way we had 7ust !ome. # !ould not stop giggling as she tried to dip me, only to nearly dip us both. *he helped me up, and we both tried to get our breath ba!k as we laughed, unable to stop. 2od, it &elt so good to laugh. 5oni!a !ould always make me.
"+h. +h, yeah. -ow here is a song to dan!e to." *he said with a wist&ul smile as the beginning !hords to $# (ant To Know (hat 6oe #s$ by Foreigner began. ")ome here." *he said with a gentle smile. # &elt a bit strange, but walked to her anyway. *he grabbed me, and we got mu!h in the same position as be&ore: her hand on my ba!k, mine on her shoulder, our other hand 7oined. *he set a slow pa!e, staying with the song, and began to talk. "This used to be our song. 6ee and me." *he said so&tly. so&tly.
"(e !an stop i&'"
"-o." she smiled. "-o. That$s oer now. # really thought we had something spe!ial, though. 6ee 7ust liked to hae a bit too mu!h &un."
"That$s what she said." 5oni!a looked at me &or a moment, trying to read me.
"%id you two talk about me? About us?" she asked &inally.
"A little little.. -oth -othin ingg ma7o ma7orr. *he *he 7ust 7ust told told me that that.. The too too mu!h mu!h &un &un thin thing. g."" 5oni 5oni!a !a nodded nodded a!knowledgment, and pulled me in a bit !loser, surprising me as she laid her head on my shoulder. # glan!ed around the room, not sure what # was supposed to do. *o # 7ust kept us moing.
"# really wanted to dan!e with you tonight." # heard muttered near my ear. "#$m sorry."
"That$s okay." # said, a small nerous laugh &ollowing. "# knew you were busy." # lied. Truth o& the matter, matter, that was one o& the reasons why # had wanted to go in the &irst pla!e. # wanted to dan!e, and dan!e with 5oni!a. *he had been su!h a good &riend, and inaluable in helping me prepare &or !ollege, and what # would &a!e later on in law s!hool. # would truly miss her, and # told her so. *he li&ted her head &rom my shoulder, a smile a!ross her lips.
"3eally?" # nodded. "#$ll miss you, too. A&ter all, who will # get to &ile &or me?" # gae her a dirty look, whi!h earned me a !hu!kle. "ust kidding. Though Thoug h # will miss you, Emily." er oi!e so&tened 7ust a bit, and she looked into my eyes. # studied those dark irises. # &elt butter&lies atta!k my insides, &eeling as i& they might try and &ly right out o& my !hest and be &ree. # saw her head in!line 7ust the barest in!h, and then it hit me. *he was going to kiss me. 5y heart began to pound, my stoma!h
beginning a series o& somersaults. # tried to steady my breathing, ready mysel& &or it. Beth was the only woman # had eer kissed like that. 5y god. (hat should # do? *ay? Then # was ripped out o& my &antasy as 5oni!a ba!ked away, her eyes wide with surprise. "8h." *he stumbled. "#t$s getting late, and a," she took seeral steps ba!k &rom me. "# need to get you your going away gi&ts." That said, she 4ui!kly disappeared in the ba!k o& the house near the bedrooms.
# stood where # was &or a moment, stunned into silen!e, nailed to the spot. # !ould still &eel her breath against my &a!e, the urgen!y had washed o&& her in waes, &lowing straight to me. # swallowed swallowed as # &elt my body still thrumming, thrumming, trying to get under !ontrol. 5y god. (as # ready &or this?
"+kay." 5y head shot up as # heard 5oni!a$s oi!e !oming down the hall. *he held two wrapped pa!kages in her hands. "ere ya go." # shook mysel& out o& my da1e, and put a smile upon my &a!e as # walked oer to her. # took the smaller pa!kage &irst, wanting to sae the larger one &or last. # took my pri1e oer to the !ou!h, and tore into the !olor&ul paper that read 2ood 6u!k in siler letters all oer it. # smiled at the hand'held tape re!order. "Trust me. ou$ll need that." *he said with a smile, nodding at a t the small, siler ma!hine. # smiled my thanks, and set it aside ne0t to me on the !ou!h. # grabbed the other one, knowing it was a book o& some sort as # tore into the paper that mat!hed the other. # drew my brows as # held the brown leather book in my hands. The pages were tooled in gold, and in gold lettering lettering on the &ront it told me that it was the &irst olume olume in a set o& law books.
"8m, thanks. *hould # get the others in the set &rom the library?"
"-o. #$m giing you the whole set. # 7ust didn$t &eel like wrapping a million books, thank you." # smiled, truly astonished.
"5oni!a." "5oni!a." # breathed, breathed, staring up at her in awe. # knew that a set o& those books were ridi!ulously ridi!ulously e0pensie. "(hy, you shouldn$t, wow." *he !hu!kled.
"They$re used. 5y mother gae these to me when # went to !ollege. *ome o& it might be a little outdated, but you !an always look up the new stu&&."
"5y god. Thank you." # smiled &rom ear to ear. # was spee!hless. # 7umped o&& the !ou!h, book still in hand, and ran oer to her, wrapping my arms around her ne!k.
"(hoa9" she e0!laimed as # nearly kno!ked her to the ground.
"Thank you." # said oer and oer again. *he rubbed my ba!k, hugging me tight.
"ou$re wel!ome. ust do me proud, okay?" she pulled ba!k &rom me, holding me at arms length. *he looked deep into my eyes. "# really am going to miss you, Emily."
"5e, too." # said, &eeling the tears stinging at the ba!k o& my eyes. (hy was it that the women # most !ared about seemed to walk out o& my li&e be&ore # was ready?
# stopped the rental !ar 7ust in &ront o& my parent$s house, seeing Billy$s tru!k in the drie. # tapped my &ingers on the wheel, unsure what to do. # really did not yet want to go in. There was still so mu!h more # needed to !lari&y within mysel&. *o mu!h more history # needed to dig through be&ore # !ould &a!e the ne0t day. # needed to &a!e Beth with understanding, and remembran!e.
5aking my de!ision, # headed &or the park. # 1ipped my heay winter 7a!ket against the bitter !old that tried to get inside, blowing my hair around my &a!e. # tu!ked my hands into my !oat po!kets, headed &or the swings. # had to !hu!kle to mysel& at how small eerything &elt to me. The swings neer seemed to sit that low to the ground, and surly those bla!k, rubber seats were wider than that?
# pushed o&& with my booted &eet, &eeling &eeling the slight bree1e blow against me as # gained altitude. # stared up into the gray sky, wat!hing as it got !loser, then &arther away, only to get !loser again. 5aybe i& # 7ust rea!hed out, # !ould tou!h it. # smiled as # did 7ust that, my gloed hand rea!hing &or the unattainable that was so de!eptiely !lose. ust like rea!hing &or the stars. *o !lose, yet so terribly &ar.
The morning sun rushed in at me, making me s4uee1e my tortured tortured eyes shut, groaning into the new day. # had stayed at 5oni!a$s &ar too late the night be&ore. # opened one eye, and looked at the !lo!k, only to groan again. %amn. # had wanted to be on my way out by that time. Finally with a sigh, # rolled oer and sat up, rubbing my eyes. As # opened them again and looked around my room, it suddenly o!!urred to me that that had been the last night # would spend there &or 4uite a while. The reali1ation hit me in the stoma!h. stoma! h. # glan!ed oer to the th e !orner o& the room and saw my
bags, pa!ked the day be&ore. 3eady to go. 3eady &or me to go. # looked around the room again, seeing all my posters still hanging where they$d been &or a &ew years, the same &a!es greeting me eery single morning, the last &a!es #$d see eery single night. # glan!ed oer to my uni!orn !olle!tion, reali1ing that # hadn$t added to it &or 4uite a &ew years. ust sort o& &orgot about it.
# stood &rom the bed, stret!hing my arms oer my head with a strange hal&'yawn, hal&'groan. Finally getting mysel& together, # headed &or the bathroom to shower.
5oni!a had told me to stop by her pla!e on my way out o& town to pi!k up the books. # hoped # would hae room &or them in my dorm room. 5y eep was loaded, all my worldly possessions !rammed into eery aailable aailable spa!e. # stood in the liing room, one parents both &lanking &lanking me on either side.
"ou sure you don$t want us to go with you, honey?" my mom asked, her shaky oi!e 7ust on this side o& all out bawling. # shook my head.
"#$m sure. ou guys hae more important things to do then waste three hours driing to Boulder with me.
"(ell, you know it$s really no trouble." 5y &ather !himed in. # smiled and hugged him.
"Thanks, dad. #$ll be &ine." Een as # said that, # had to wonder i& they would. # pulled away &rom him and kissed his !heek. e smiled down at me, saying with his e0pressie eyes all that he !ouldn$t in words. # nodded, our silent !ommuni!ation !omplete. # turned to my mother, knowing # had to stay strong &or her. *he was already battling her emotions, and # knew i& mine slipped een 7ust a little, that would be it, and she$d sh e$d be a puddle. pudd le. "# loe you, mom." # said, sa id, hugging her to me. # &elt her body 7erk as she swallowed in a sob. 5y own tears began to burn in my throat. # pulled away, a solid smile on my lips. "#$ll be home be&ore you know it &or )hristmas." # said with e0aggerated enthusiasm. 5y parents nodded silently. (ith one more round o& hugs, # !limbed into my eep.
"5orning." 5oni!a smiled, a !up o& !o&&ee in her hand as she answered the door.
"2od, how !an you drink that stu&&." # muttered. *he !hu!kled.
"2ie it time. ou$ll be downing the stu&& like it$s water." *he stepped away &rom the door, allowing me to enter. ")ome on in, grumpy. grump y."" # hissed at her, h er, and she laughed. "our books are in the spare sp are bedroom." Together we managed to load the three bo0es into my eep, and it was tie &or me to go. (e stood by 5oni!a$s &ront door, neither o& us wanting to say goodbye. Finally she smiled, and grabbed me &or a hug. "2ood lu!k, Emily. # know you$ll do so well." *he said into my hair. # nodded, holding her 7ust as tight, my eyes !losed. *he gently pulled away &rom me, and looked at me. "# hae one more gi&t &or you." *he said 4uietly. 4uietly. # stared at her, the butter&lies butter&lies &rom the night be&ore returning to my stoma!h. *he smiled so&tly, seeming to sense my nerousness. *he pla!ed a hand on either side o& my &a!e, and took a step !loser. "# don$t think you gie yoursel& enough !redit, Emily." *he said. # !ould only stare. "# think you are ready. (heneer you doubt yoursel&, think o& this." *he moed in, her eyes !losing as she leaned in, my eyes !losing instin!tiely as she tou!hed my lips so&tly with her own, like the wings o& those butter&lies. *imple, but entirely pleasant. *he drew ba!k &rom me, my eyes slowly opening to see her smiling at me. "2ood lu!k Emily." *he whispered. "#$ll miss you."
# pressed my &ingers to my lips as # droe the long, straight highway that would take me to !ollege. !ollege. # !ould still &eel 5oni!a$s kiss, the so&tness, the tenderness. 5aybe she was right, and # was ready. 5y thoughts ineitably turned to Beth. Be th. # had replayed the s!ene at the theater in my mind so many times. Ea!h time it turned out di&&erent. 5y &aorite one was where she turned to me, her ba!k to the redhead against the wall, and smiled smiled that !o!ky little little smile o& hers, and told me that she was glad # had &inally !ome to my senses. *he had taken me in her arms, 7ust as she had the redhead, and it had been her lips against mine: not 5oni!a$s. *he had kissed me the way she had at my aunt$s &uneral. %eep, &illed with passion and loe. Then my thoughts stopped. %id Beth loe me? The way # loed her? +r thought # did, anyway. # had been so !on&used at that time, # didn$t know mu!h o& anything, and in all honesty had been glad to head o&& to Boulder, away &rom Pueblo. Too mu!h drama, and too mu!h to try and &igure out at nineteen.
# sat with my head leaning against the !old !hain, the swing 7ust barely moing, my &eet moing in the !old, hard dirt as # brought those days ba!k. 2etting to Boulder, and the )8 !ampus. (hat an ama1ing time, and # had not een reali1ed it. That whole hindsight thing. # sighed as # reali1ed 7ust how simple li&e had been then. 2o to !lass, do homework, homework, attempt to get enough sleep and lie o&& o& 3amon noodles, and PB. ow hard !ould it be?
# gripped the pen tighter between my teeth as # growled when the shade &ell into my hands again.
"+d amit9" # e0!laimed around my Bi!, nearly &alling ba!kwards o&& my !hair. # re!laimed my balan!e, and attempted to rea!h up again, my brows drawn in !on!entration. # glan!ed out the
window o& my third &loor dorm, seeing all the people walking around down below. # wondered i& any o& them !ould see me standing pra!ti!ally kissing the glass. # managed to get one o& the side pegs into the hole, then began to struggle with the other side. # held my breath as # got it !lose, standing on my tip toes. Being short su!ked sometimes. (ith a i!torious whoop, # stepped ba!k, wiping the salia o&& my !hin that had s4uee1ed out around the pen.
"-i!e going."
"Ah9" # s!reamed, &alling ba!k against the window, and the shade, !rying out again as it &ell on top o& my head. # spit out the Bi!, and peeked out &rom under the shade. 5y roommate, %ana laid on her bed, her hands behind her head, legs bent and spread. *he grinned at me. "%amnit, %ana9" # e0!laimed, throwing the shade to the &loor. "%on$t do that9" # stood on the !hair to my desk, my hands in &ists, &ists on my hips.
"+h, you are 7ust too !ute when you$re mad, Embo."
"eah, well you should know. 6ord knows you piss me o&& enough." # hopped down &rom the !hair. "And don$t !all me Embo. ow many times do # hae to tell you?" # plopped down on my own bed, ba!k against the wall, legs hanging o&&. # was thoroughly e0hausted &rom the e0ertion o& hanging the shade. (ell, re'hanging it. Again. # got mad all oer again when # reali1ed that # would hae to hang it yet again. "# should make you hang that thing ba!k up, %ana."
"ou !an try and make me." *he said, wiggling her eyebrows. # shook my head.
"2ie it up. -ot gonna sleep with you."
"(hy not?" she sat up, her hands resting on her knees. *he blew her long, blonde bangs out o& her eyes and smiled. "ou 7ust might en7oy it." she said, her oi!e low and teasing. # glared.
"3ight. That$ll happen." *he laid ba!k down with a 4ui!k raise o& her light brows.
"# know." # stared at her &or a moment as she stared up at the !eiling that she had plastered posters o& naked women on. # !ould almost see those wheels turning. turning. # took her in, her long legs !lad in torn blue 7eans, her s!u&&ed, worn sneakers. The sweater she wore that day was a!tually a!tually hole'&ree. # was impressed. %ana had been my roomy &or the last three months, and had yet to !ease ama1ing me. # o&ten wondered 7ust what e0a!tly she was doing there at )8. *he neer went to !lass, neer eer opened a book. #n &a!t, # was not een sure that she had eer een bought a book &or a !lass. # knew she was not a stupid person. Far &rom it. *he 7ust had a little too mu!h partying to do.
# shook my head sadly and stood. "# hae a study group to go to. *ee you later." # grabbed my ba!kpa!k &rom the &loor by the !loset, and slung it oer a shoulder. shoulder. # glan!ed at her at the door. *he had not moed. (ith a shrug, # le&t. As # headed a!ross !ampus &or the library, # thought o& my strange, obstinate roommate. The &irst day # had met her had !ertainly been an adenture. # had 7ust gotten to !ampus, and a&ter many tries, had &ound the building where my dorm was. *he was already there, her things strewn all a!ross the room. *he had been sitting on her bed wearing 7ust a pair o& e0tremely brie& underwear, and a tiny bra, her legs le gs &olded #ndian'style, her hands on her knees, her eyes !losed. # had stopped in the door, my arms loaded with my own stu&&, and had stared. # was not sure i& # was interrupting something, or, what.
"Enter, you se0y thing." *he had said, her eyes still !losed. # stared at her, taken aba!k.
"E0!use me?" # had taken a step into the room.
"(hy !ertainly." *he said with a winning smile. # wasn$t sure whether to laugh or run s!reaming. Though %ana was de&initely a laugh a minute at times, # wondered i& perhaps the latter would hae been wiser.
"Emily? ello, earth to Emily?"
"uh?" # snapped my head up, staring wide'eyed at my study partner, Katherine. *he was grinning at me, a 4uestion in her eyes.
"(here$d you go?" she asked, turning the page o& her bio'!hem book.
"*orry." # shook my head to !lear it. "(hat were you saying?" # also turned the page in my own te0t, trying to &igure out where we were.
"# said that you took really great notes. The ones # !opied?" # nodded, &inally with it. "ou ready &or this test? #$e heard it$s a real bit!h."
# listened on as Katherine prattled on about the !lass, and the pro&essor, and the test. (ell, # listened sort o&. 5y mind &lew ba!k to %ana. *hould # 7ust gie in to her? *he was !ertainly persistent. +ne night when # had &ound her in a semi'serious mood, # began to ask her 4uestions. Cuestions, whi!h to my detriment, got her asking me to sleep with her on a daily basis. # wanted to know what it was like, the li&e o& a lesbian. #& that was what # was, # wanted to know be&ore hand. (hat was # in &or? # still !ould not say !learly in my own mind i& that were the !ase with me or not. # thought it was, but 7ust !ould not get mysel& to tell me i& it was so. %ana saw di&&erent people !onstantly. -eer staying with the same girl. # neer understood this. *he said it was simply trying trying all the di&&erent di&&erent &laors. )ertainly )ertainly more in&ormation in&ormation than # had needed, but # guess # understood.
# walked down the hall o& the dorm, stopping to get a %r. Pepper out o& the ma!hine &irst. (hen # opened the door, # &ro1e. %ana laid on her bed in mu!h the same position she$d been in when #$d le&t: legs bent and spread, one hand behind her head. But this time, she didn$t hae a stit!h o& !lothing on. # wat!hed in part horror, and part wonder as her other hand moed between her legs, dipping and moing. # !ould not stop my eyes &rom trailing up &rom her hand to her breasts that moed up and down with her slow, easy breathing. er breasts were small, but &irm, the light brown nipples ere!t. # was utterly trans&i0ed, and had no idea what to do. Part o& me wanted to leae, yet # !ouldn$t moe. 5y eyes were ripped &rom her body when # heard her speak.
"ey. (as 7ust thinking about you." # stared at her smile, suddenly seeing that mouth in an entirely di&&erent way. "ou look like a deer !aught in the headlights, there, Embo." *he husked.
"%on$t !all me Embo." # muttered, my oi!e so&t and deep, sounding like some dream. # barely re!ogni1ed it. # suddenly be!ame &looded with heat as embarrassment set in. "#$m sorry. #$ll go'"
"-o," %ana pulled her hand away &rom hersel&, and sat up. "%on$t. )ome here." *he whispered. 8tterly oid o& thought, # dropped my ba!kpa!k, and walked oer to her bed, sitting down ne0t to her, my hands in my lap, not daring to look at her. The mere heat that radiated o&& her was almost s!or!hing me. "%on$t be nerous, Emily." *he said into my ear, her &ingers pushing my hair ba!k
o&& my shoulder be&ore it strayed to my !hin. *he tipped my &a!e toward her, and # &inally met her eyes. They were heay &rom arousal, and # had to gasp at that look. *he grinned. "# hae you know? Been thinking about you."
"(hy?" # asked, my oi!e a bit stronger, but still a bit breathy. "Be!ause you, dear Emily, are s!rumptious. # want you. # want this." *he ran her &ingers down my ne!k, and dipped them 7ust below the !ollar o& my sweatshirt. sweatshirt. "5ay #?" she asked, a small smile smile playing a!ross her lips. %umbly %umb ly # nodded. er smile got wider, and she leaned lean ed in, kissed me.
# laid there, the room dark and !ool in the early -oember night. Thanksgiing break would start # 7ust oer two weeks. # !ould &eel %ana sleeping ne0t to me, me on my ba!k, her on her side. +ne arm was draped oer my stoma!h as she slept. # thought about what we had 7ust done. # didn$t regret it. # was glad it had happened. #t had !ertainly helped me to &igure &igure out more about mysel&, to be sure about mysel&. *o mu!h made sense to me at that moment. A sense o& !larity # had neer e0perien!ed.
+n!e again my thoughts turned to Beth. (hy !ouldn$t it hae been her who had kissed me like that? Tou!hed Tou!hed me like that? 5ade me &eel like that? # sighed. #t had been her at one time. # had not been ready. (hy had we !ome to terms with who and what we were at su!h drasti!ally di&&erent times? # sighed again as # turned to my side, %ana s!ooting up behind me, her body pressed against mine. # !losed my eyes as # imagined in my mind that it was Beth who lay with me. #t was her body that spooned my own. # was too young &or regrets, regrets, but # sure had them. As # &elt warm breath against the ba!k o& my shoulder, # thought that perhaps it was 7ust time to let Beth go. There was nothing # !ould do about the past, and she had her own li&e ba!k in Pueblo, &illed with new people. *he didn$t need a bleeding heart around. # loed Beth, and # knew she loed me, always would. But all the same, things had !hanged, and sometimes you 7ust !an$t !hange them ba!k, no matter how badly you want to. #t was time to let Beth go. Begin new in Boulder, dis!oering more o& the woman that had been reealed that day with %ana. *ee what she had to o&&er.
The day was getting !older, the iron heaens beginning to spit snow. # glan!ed up, !at!hing a spiraling &lake on my tongue. The park was !ompletely deserted, and suddenly # &elt so alone. # stood &rom the swing, my hips hurting &rom being shoed against the !on&ines o& the rubber seat so long. ow on earth did !hildren pull o&& hal& the things they did?
# walked through the grass that !run!hed under my boots, headed &or my !ar when # thought ba!k on!e again. # had neer imagined that a single eent !ould !hange a person. A&ter that night with
%ana, # had !ome into my own, wanting to see 7ust e0a!tly what kind o& stu&& # was made o&. (hat # wanted in the new'&ound woman. #n short, # went nuts.
%ana had made ery !lear to me that she was not een remotely interested in a relationship with me. #& we happen to do the o!!asional tumble, tumble, that was &ine, but nothing else. # was hurt at &irst, but then on!e # reali1ed the possibilities, possibilities, # was &ine with that, too. And the o!!asional tumble tumble we did. #& neither o& us had a date on a Friday night, we$d make our date. (e a!tually be!ame ery good &riends, sharing ery intimate !onersations. # guess haing se0 on a semi'regular basis with someone will do that. %on$t get me wrong, # was not a player by any means. # stayed !ompletely &aith&ul to whomeer # was dating. #t$s 7ust that on a !ollege !ampus as liberal as )8, Boulder, it was tough &inding women who lied by the same prin!iple.
5y &irst year in !ollege &lew by, dedi!ating mysel& wholly to a!ademi! e0!ellen!e, and the pursuit o& women. # wanted to try and understand this attra!tion # had to its &ullest e0tent. # had made some wonder&ul &riends, and was haing a ball as the middle o& my se!ond year rolled around.
# had promised my &riend, Patty, that # would help her at the !areer &air we had eery spring. igh s!hool seniors, or 7ust !urious students !ould go to the di&&erent !areer booths we had set up. # hated doing those, as # had been bribed into it both springs so &ar. # did not like it either time, and hated being su!h a sap # !ould not say no.
"This su!ks." # muttered as we sat at our booth. ow many people are there out in the world who really &eel the need to &ind out about, and pi!k up bro!hures on a!!ounting? # knew there were some, but not that day, obiously. "(e hae not had one bite yet." # glared at her.
"+h, "+h, !ome !ome on. on. ou$re ou$re doing doing your your duty duty to the the s!hoo s!hool.l."" *he *he repl replie ied, d, re's re'str trai aight ghteni ening ng the the straightened pile o& bro!hures.
"# pay them a lot o& money eery semester. -ow that is doing my duty to the s!hool." # pouted. "2od, wasting an entire *aturday &or this. # !ould be studying right now." # sat ba!k in my !hair, my arms !rossed oer my !hest.
"That doesn$t sound like too mu!h &un." 5y head slowly rose &rom its position against my !hest, and my mouth &ell open. (earing an old pair o& bla!k 7eans, a tank with a &lannel, and a ba!kpa!k slung oer a shoulder, stood Beth.
# pay them a lot o& money eery semester. -ow that is doing my duty to the s!hool.D # pouted. 2od, wasting an entire *aturday &or this. # !ould be studying right now.D # sat ba!k in my !hair, my arms !rossed oer my !hest.
That doesn$t sound like too mu!h &un.D 5y head slowly rose &rom its position against my !hest, and my mouth &ell open. (earing an old pair o& bla!k 7eans, a tank with a &lannel, and a ba!kpa!k slung oer a shoulder, stood Beth.
# !ould only stare. (ho would hae thought. Beth. *he grinned grinned at me, that &amiliar &amiliar twinkle in her blue eyes.
)are&ul. ou$ll ou$ll !at!h &lies that way.D way.D 5y mouth !losed with an audible snap.
(hat are you doing here?D # &inally managed. Patty looked on, &rom me to Beth and ba!k.
(hat does it look like?D she said, running her hand up the strap o& her ba!kpa!k. # happened to see you in here &rom the door there.D # had not yet regained my thoughts enough to do more than nod. *he !hu!kled. 6isten, # !an see you$re busy here. (hen do you get done? 5aybe we !an go get some !o&&ee?D she asked, the tiniest bit o& hope in her oi!e. Again # nodded.
(ell, #$m stu!k here until &ie, but'
ey, # !an wait.D she said, shrugging the pa!k down her arm, and setting it on the table with a loud thud.
ust go, Emily. # really don$t think #$m going to get bombarded, or anything.D # turned to my &riend, and stared. # really didn$t know how to rea!t to this. # &elt silly, and like a !hild. # looked ba!k up at Beth, almost as i& to see with my own eyes that she had not disappeared, and was indeed still standing there. Then # &elt a tiny spurt o& anger surge through me, taking me by surprise.
The last time # had seen her had been at the theater with that red head. (ell, at least the last time she$d seen me. #t all !ame ba!k to me, the hope and &ear that had mi0ed in my !hest, spurring me on to do what at the time had seemed the right thing: tell her that # loed her, and wanted to be with her. The way she had wanted to be with me. But, # had been too late. Too Too late.
As # stared up at her at that moment, # reali1ed reali1ed 7ust how mu!h # had missed 7ust her presen!e in my li&e. Though # had owed two years ago to &orget about her, and 7ust tie up all loose ends. #t had been a time in my li&e, a time that she had been a ery big part o&, but that had been oer, and was time to moe on. Then, as my past stood there, staring me in the &a!e, # knew that would neer be possible to &orget about Beth, and # had been a &ool to think otherwise.
# sat on the !losed lid o& the toilet, a towel wrapped around my body, the ends held together in my &ist. # stared out the &rosted'glass window in the shower, not able to see anything !learly, 7ust the light &rom the morning. # knew that the sky was gray, like iron. A storm was due later in the eening. That was &ine by me. Perhaps a little snow would do me good. )oin!ide with my heart that &elt like a lump o& i!e in my !hest.
# took a deep breath, !rossing my legs at the ankles, &eeling the !ool por!elain o& the toilet against my shower'heated skin. A small shier passed down my spine. Tearing my eyes away &rom the window, # s4uee1ed them shut, trying to shut out what they so badly wanted to do. # !ould !ou ld &eel the stinging behind my lids, the tightness in my throat. -eer in my li&e did # think #$d hae to &a!e su!h a day, nor had # any !lue how di&&i!ult it really would be. At that moment # wanted to 7ust &ind some deep, dark !ae, !url up, and !ry. # &elt my lips part as # whispered one word.
Beth.D
The !a&O was nearly empty. That time o& day was good to go, # knew this &rom many, many months o& e0perien!e. # o&ten went to The ) 2round, 7ust to get away &rom the s!hool, study, study, or whateer. Beth &ollowed behind me as # led us to my usual table way in the ba!k o& the pla!e, in the !orner. !orner. # took my regular seat, tipping tipping my !hair ba!k against the !orner where the two walls met. *he sat a!ross &rom me, grinning at my !hildish anti!s.
(hat?D # asked, my whole body 7olted as the &ront two legs o& the !hair landed solidly onto the tile. +w.D
-othing. -othing. #$e missed you, Em.D *he said, her oi!e low. # stared at her, her, my mouth open. There you go again. ou ma7oring in &ly'!at!hing?D # !hu!kled lightly, and shook my head.
-o. # guess #$m 7ust a bit sho!ked to see you here, is all. (ho would hae guessed?D # waed to Barney, my usual waiter, and he walked oer to us.
ey, ladies.D e said, smiling and li&ting his brows at Beth. # had to stop mysel& &rom grinning. Barney &lirted with anything in a skirt, but was he eer barking up the wrong tree. Beth glan!ed up at him with a!ant eyes, and raised a brow. # put my hand in &ront o& my mouth, !hewing on my lower lip as # wat!hed.
es?D Beth drawled at Barney$s !ontinuous stare. e seemed to get the dri&t as he !leared his throat, and looked oer at me.
The usual, s4uirt?D he asked. # glared. # then turned the glare on Beth when # heard her laugh. *he sobered, giing me that inno!ent look that # reali1ed 7ust how mu!h # had missed. # had missed eerything about her.
)all me that again, Barney, and you$ll be missing a ery integral part o& your identity.D # smiled sweetly up at him. e rolled his eyes, and walked o&& be&ore turning around only to stand ba!k ne0t to our table.
#, um, &orgot to get your orders.D
# &elt Beth$s eyes on me as # looked at her, that &amiliar gleam in those baby blues, telling me # had done well. # smiled. # had missed that silent !ommuni!ation, too. -eer needing to say a word.
# &inally stood &rom the toilet lid, unwrapping the towel, and drying my skin that was still dotted with drops o& water. # stared at my re&le!tion in the mirror a&ter swiping a hand a!ross its smooth sur&a!e. # stared at mysel&, my hair turned dark &rom the water, my eyes ery green &rom the emotion that lay 7ust behind. # had to be strong, # knew that. # 7ust wished # knew how.
People were beginning to &low into the !a&O in earnest. The sun was going down on that *aturday, Beth and # still sitting a!ross &rom ea!h other. # sipped &rom my !o&&ee !up, the hot &luid sliding down my throat, engul&ing my stoma!h with heat. Beth narrowed her eyes, staring at my hands. # raised my brows in 4uestion.
ou hate that stu&&.D *he said, nodding at the !up. # glan!ed down, !on&used, then it !ame to me what she was saying.
-eer.D -eer.D # smiled. smiled. Are you kidding kidding me? # owe my sanity and my grades to this stu&&.D stu&&.D # sipped to proe my point all the more, sma!king my lips together. *he shook her head, one o& her trademark trademark smiles &irmly in pla!e. *o,D # said, taking a bite o& my !heeseburger !heeseburger.. A&ter you spent that summer in (yoming, what did you do? (here did you go? And why did you leae in the &irst pla!e?D
(ell, a&ter # le&t )heyenne, # droe that old ri!kety pi!k'up ba!k into )olorado. # went to %ener, and # le&t be!ause # was si!k o& the pla!e. # was tired o& roaming &rom one pla!e to the other. (hen # got ba!k to %ener it o!!urred to me to,D she sighed as she stared out toward the door to the pla!e, her eyes a million miles away. # wanted to get my li&e going, settle in somewhere.D er eyes then turned to me, ou know # didn$t graduate?D she asked, her oi!e 4uiet, almost ashamed. # nodded.
eah. # know.D # said 7ust as 4uietly. er eyes le&t mine, staring down at the remains o& her pan!akes.
#$m tired o& running &rom things, Em. #$m tired o& running &rom me.D
# buttoned the last button on my silk blouse, running my hands down the &ront, &eeling the smooth silk under my &ingertips. # stared at my re&le!tion in the mirror oer the dresser in my old bedroom. # &lipped my hair ba!k oer my shoulder, wanting to wear it down. Beth always liked it down. # ran my hands down oer my hips that were !oered by the bla!k material o& my bla!k sla!ks. The &inal tou!h would be the 7a!ket that went with the suit. # wore bla!k heels. 5y &a!e was somewhat pale, so # applied 7ust the barest tou!h o& make'up, a light lipsti!k. # was ready to go. (ell, that is to say # was dressed. # would neer be ready to go.
# slipped my arms through the sleees o& the 7a!ket, and pi!ked up my purse, headed &or the !losed door to the bedroom.
)an # ask you a 4uestion?D
# looked at Beth &or a moment, almost a&raid o& what it would be.
*ure.D # said, holding my breath. # wasn$t sure why # was nerous, but 7ust was.
ou !ame out, didn$t you?D # stared at her, seeing those hal&'hooded eyes, she knew the answer to her own 4uestion, but bu t wanted to hear what # would say. # de!ided not to be !oy.
ow did you know?D she shrugged.
There$s a !on&iden!e about you, a sense o& sel& that you didn$t hae be&ore. #t$s like you are who you are, and don$t gie a shit what anyone else says or thinks. #t looks good on you.D *he smiled. # stared, then smiled, too.
3ebe!!a met me in the hall 7ust be&ore the stairs. *he looked beauti&ul in a bla!k skirt suit, green silk blouse, her long red hair bound on top o& her head, small ringlets &alling around her &a!e and ne!k. # smiled when # saw her.
ou ready?D she asked. # sti&led a small !hu!kle. ad been asking mysel& that 4uestion all day. # nodded. 3eady as #$d eer be.
The drie ba!k to !ampus was a 4uiet one. # droe Beth to her dorm building, whi!h was ne0t to mine, and we sat in the eep, neither o& us speaking. (e had sat at the !a&O &or nearly &our hours, and had !oered so mu!h ground. # &elt at pea!e with her, her, as i& were we to neer see ea!h other again a&ter that night, # would not hae &elt any regrets or hurt any longer. Beth had e0plained to me that the girl at the theater had meant nothing, 7ust a &ling. *he had not had any real steady relationships in the last two years, was 7ust trying to keep moing. Trying to &igure out who she was, and where she was headed.
# de!ided s!hool was it. # want to make something out o& mysel&.D *he had said. # &elt so mu!h pride at that moment. As we sat in the dark eep, she stared out the windshield when she said,
ou know why # !hose )8?D she turned to me then. # shook my head. # saw you that night in the theater. ou got up be&ore eeryone else, and # saw you. ou walked out through the rear e0it door, and out o& my li&e.D # stared in awe.
ou saw me?D # asked, sho!ked. *he nodded. But it was so dark. ow !ould you,D she shrugged.
# don$t know. # think it was mainly # re!ogni1ed the way you moe, the way you walk. #t was 7ust a gut &eeling, # guess.D
eah, # was there. ad to see the show. #$e neer missed a produ!tion o& yours, Beth. (asn$t going to start then. +r now. ou are in the drama department, right?D she nodded with a small smile and a nod.
+& !ourse. #& that wasn$t a stupid 4uestion.D (e smiled knowingly together, then both stared out the window again. (e had said all there was to say &or one night, but # think neither o& us wanted to go, wanted to be separated again. Finally Beth sighed, and turned to me again. #$m going to go. ae to be at work early in the morning.D
+kay.D # said 4uietly, not sure where this would go. (as that it? (e made our pea!e, and now that would be all? # wanted her &riendship ba!k. (anted her ba!k in my li&e, but didn$t 4uite know how to say it. *o # didn$t.
(ell, good talking to you. 5aybe we !an talk again later.D Beth grabbed her pa!k out o& the ba!k, and hopped down &rom the eep, her hand still on the roll'bar as she stared up at me. *he smiled, then walked away.
# stepped &rom my parent$s !ar in the parking lot, and right away saw 5oni!a and )onnie walking toward the !hur!h. The air was heay and wet &rom the impending storm. 5oni!a saw us and walked oer to me.
ey, honey.D *he said, gathering me up into a tight embra!e. (e pulled apart, and she smiled at me, eerything she thought and wanted to say re&le!ted in her dark eyes. # nodded, her words not ne!essary. ou must be 3ebe!!a.D *he said, stepping oer to my loer. 3ebe!!a smiled, and grabbed the hand that 5oni!a held out to her. 3ebe!!a nodded with a smile.
ello, 5oni!a. -i!e to meet you, though # !ertainly wish it were under di&&erent !ir!umstan!es.D 5oni!a patted the hand within hers.
es. es. #& this one here is up to it, )onnie and # would like to hae you both bo th oer &or dinner tonight.D # looked up as # &elt three pairs o& eyes on me. # looked &rom one to the other, ga1ing into the e0pe!tant eyes o& 5oni!a, the sympatheti! o& )onnie, and the loing o& 3ebe!!a. ow !ould # &eel so loed, yet so alone at the same time? # truly didn$t beliee anyone there understood 7ust what was going through my head. (hat # was &eeling. ell, at that time #$m not so sure # was !ompletely aware o& the e0tent o& things. *o, # 7ust nodded, &iguring it was a sa&e gesture.
ou ladies ready to go in?D # turned to see my &ather standing 7ust outside our little !ir!le o& women, my mother standing ne0t to him. *he rea!hed rea!h ed out, and grabbed my hand, han d, pulling me with her. 3ebe!!a &ollowed us, into the !hur!h.
# unlo!ked the door to the room # shared with a Freshman named )andi!e Parker. # was surprised that she wasn$t home. # don$t re!all her eer going anywhere on a *aturday night. But, perhaps she$d gone to get something to eat. Part o& me was glad, then # !ould rela0 and think without any interruptions. The other part o& me was disappointed. # &elt the need to talk at that moment. About li&e, about s!hool, about Beth. (hateer.
# took a deep breath, e0pelling e0pelling it as # plopped down on my bed on my ba!k, my arms up oer my head, stared at the !eiling. # sighed then 7umped as # heard a kno!k at the door. # looked ba!k, !raning my ne!k to look at it as i& that would help me &igure out who it was any better.
(ho is it?D # yelled out.
5e.D !ame a mu&&led reply. # rolled my eyes.
5e, who?D # said, irritated, irritated, and in no mood &or games. # sat up, swinging swinging my legs o&& the side o& the bed, hurrying to the door, door, yanking it open. A stunned Beth stood in the hall, her mouth open as i& to speak. *he !losed her mouth, and grinned at me.
8h, hi.D she said with a little wae. # waed ba!k, still looking at her as i& she$d lost her mind. 8m, well, it$s later. (anna talk?D # grinned ba!k, and nodded as # !losed the door behind me. 6eading the way down the hall.
# thumbed through the little pamphlet that had been handed to me at the door o& the !hur!h. # sat in the hard, !old pew, my body sliding against its polished, wooden sur&a!e. # sat between 3ebe!!a and my mother, 3ebe!!a to my le&t, my mother to my right. +ne held my hand, the other had their hand on my knee. # &elt the smooth paper against my &ingers as # looked at the smiling smiling pi!ture o& Beth, probably taken a &ew years be&ore. *he looked healthy, happy, and beauti&ul. # read through the in&ormation they gae about her, her, her theater !redits, !redits, as well as a !ommer!ial !ommer!ial # had not been aware o&. Then # had to smile at the part about her !hildhood. !hildhood. # saw my name, and what her h er mother had dubbed us many years be&ore, Trouble TwinsD. 6ord, hadn$t that been be en the truth. Then it o!!urred to me that # had yet to see -ora *ayers. # knew she had to be there, so began to s!an the !rowed. Finally, # spotted her, near the door to the san!tuary, standing and talking with a good'looking man. To my surprise, # reali1ed it was im *ayers. ad not seen him in years. -either had Beth, as &ar as # knew. Fine time &or him to de!ide to show. *tanding with him was a woman who # remembered &rom a pi!ture: his wi&e, 6ynn. im nodded his head hea d a &ew times &rom something -ora had said, then with a dismissie smile, led 6ynn with a hand on her ba!k toward a pew near the ba!k. -ora wat!hed them walk away, then turned to make her way toward the &ront. *houldn$t im be there? # wat!hed wat!hed -ora, her graying graying hair teased to a ridi!ulous ridi!ulous height. er red and bla!k dress, mostly red, was a bit tight &or her body that had be!ome pudgy through the middle with age. *he looked tired, too mu!h make'up on to !oer her heaily lined &a!e. *he turned and her eyes landed on me, and she smiled, the red lipsti!k a bloody slash through a pale &a!e. # smiled wanly, nodding slightly. *he walked to her pla!e at the &ront, sitting ne0t to a blonde woman. # turned to look oer my shoulder at 5oni!a who sat behind me.
(ho is that?D # asked, nodding toward the blonde. 5oni!a leaned up and looked at the ba!k o& the woman$s head, then turned to me.
# think that$s 6ana. *he and Beth were liing together when, well. They were liing together.D she sat ba!k, s4uee1ing my shoulder, leaing me to stare, and wonder.
The !ampus was dark, the sporadi!ally pla!ed lamps not bright enough to break through the dense darkness in pla!es. # &elt per&e!tly sa&e, howeer, as Beth walked at my side. (e had been strolling &or about hal& an hour, neither saying mu!h, 7ust soaking in the !ool night air, ea!h lost in her own thoughts. As usual, # &elt no need to speak, or any reason to make &riolous !onersation. (ith Beth it was 7ust a matter o& &eeling. (ords were not ne!essary.
#t$s ery pea!e&ul out here.D she said &inally, her oi!e hushed, not wanting to disturb the 4uiet o& the !lear night. # nodded.
eah. # used to go out walking all the time, but then last semester a girl was raped oer there.D # pointed o&& toward the library. Beth &ollowed my &inger, her brows knitted together, shaking her head.
(ell, i& you want to walk at night, !ome get me.D she smiled down at me. # looked up at her, the reali1ation dawning on me that # had not told her where # lied.
ey, how did you &ind me, anyway?D she shoed her hands into the po!ket o& her 7eans, and shrugged.
# &ollowed you in.D she said simply. simply. # shook my head again, grinning. (hat a goo&. goo &.
# do beliee you$e turned into a stalker, Beth *ayers.D she !hu!kled at that.
2uess so.D (e !ontinued to walk on &or a moment. ou don$t mind, right?D she looked down at me, the moonlight !at!hing in her eyes, making them seem transparent. # smiled.
-ope.D
Alright then.D she grinned, and stopped, &alling to the ground. # looked down, sho!ked, wondering what the hell she was doing. *he sprawled out on the grass, her hands behind her head, legs !rossed at the ankles, and stared up into the sky, a big, goo&y grin on her &a!e.
8m, hello,D # said, my hands on my hips. (hat are you doing?D
*targa1ing.D she said, as i& it were the most natural thing in the world to 7ust plop down in the middle o& a !ollege !ampus at nearly midnight and look up at the stars. # stared at her &or a moment, trying to de!ide i& # were to 7oin her, i& she$d pop ba!k up, telling me she was only kidding, or i& she was serious. Biting my bottom lip, # de!ided on the latter. # lowered mysel& to the ground ne0t to her, resting my hands on my stoma!h, and stared up into the sky. 6ook.D she said, her oi!e 4uiet, as she sh e pointed up near a tree. A shooting star.D star.D
5ake a wish.D # said, reeling in the &eeling o& pea!e that stole oer me. # glan!ed oer at her in time to see her !lose her eyes &or a moment, her lips moing as she silently mouthed her wish. Eyes made gray by the night opened and looked oer at me with a smile. *he raised raised her brows, looked ba!k up into the sky. # heard her !hu!kle so&tly. # looked oer at her again. ou know, it$s &unny. (hen # de!ided to !ome here, here # thought #$d be starting out new. Fresh. Then # run into you.D
The slight smile that had been on my lips &ell. # stared ba!k up at the sky. (ell, #$m sorry # ruined that new start &or you, Beth.D # said, my oi!e so&t, trying to not let the hurt or surprise sur&a!e. # knew # had not done a ery good 7ob o& hiding it. # neer !ould. ere # had been so happy to see her, to maybe attempt to rebuild a lost &riendship with a woman # had been &riends with &or oer eleen years.
-o, Em. -o. # mean,D Beth sat up, pulling her knees up to her !hest, wrapping her arms around her shins. # stayed where # was, staring up at her ba!k. (hat # mean is, # thought #$d get here, hae to start oer. 5eet new people. 5ake new &riends. *omething # was not really looking &orward to, you know?D she glan!ed ba!k at me oer her shoulder, her long bangs partially !oering her eyes. # met her ga1e, but said nothing. A so&t smile spread a!ross her lips. ere # was, thinking #$d know no one, be alone, and # &ind you. 5y best &riend.D
5y !hest swelled. *he always knew what to say to alleiate any &ears or worries # may hae. *he 7ust knew. *omehow. *omehow.
A ery large man standing at the &ront o& the dais began to sing Aa 5aria, his power&ul oi!e &illing &illing the large spa!e. 5y throat tightened tightened as # heard wheels running along !arpet, the slightest s4ueak &oretelling their progress. # knew what it was. # knew what that s4ueaking was announ!ing the arrial o&. # !ould not look, !ould not make mysel& see it. #& # were to see that, then that would mean that # was seeing the &inality o& the situation. There was no end to Beth. There 7ust !ouldn$t be. -ot &or her.
As # stared straight ahead, staring up at the !ru!i&i0 pla!ed aboe the &ront o& the !hur!h, large, brightly !olored stained'glass windows on either side, # thought ba!k to those days in !ollege. Those days o& new dis!oery with Beth. 5y best &riend. # &elt a hand tighten around my own as the s4ueaking passed our row, headed up to the &ront o& the !hur!h, the obious weight burden keeping those s4ueaky wheels at a slow, steady pa!e. # !ould not look. )ould not look. )ould not.
eads9D eads9D # du!ked 7ust in time to see a &ootball &ootball whi1 by my nose, the wind blowing blowing my bangs o&& my &orehead. As the ball plowed into my books, s!attering my papers all oer the blanket that !oered the grass, # looked up, my glaring green eyes aiming to pin the person who dare interrupt my study time. Those green daggers met two sparkling blue eyes.
ou.D # growled. The blue eyes got !loser until they were right a!ross &rom me. Beth plopped down on my blanket, her shorts'!lad legs !rossing #ndian style, her hands on her knees. *he grinned at me as she rea!hed &or her ball. ou are eil, Beth. 6eae me alone.D # pouted.
Ah, Ah, huh. # beliee beliee you want me to do that.D that.D she tossed the ball in the air &rom hand to hand, daring me to take it &rom her.
#$m warning you, Beth,D # said through !len!hed teeth, the ball in my peripheral ision. #$m gonna shoe that ball right up your'
#$d loe to see you try.D she !hallenged. Beginning to get more than a little annoyed, # raised a brow at her, whi!h !aused her to !o!k one o& her own. es?D she drawled, as # bit my bottom lip, then the inside o& my !heek, my brain !al!ulating. # eyed the ball that !ontinued to meet air, when with lightning &ast moement, moemen t, # grabbed it, and stood, nearly ne arly stumbling onto my &a!e in my e&&ort to get away &rom her be&ore she !ould take the ball that # had 7ust taken &rom her. ou$re asking &or it, Em.D she said, her oi!e so&t, almost sing'song like. # stood away, tossing the ball up into the tree, only to !at!h it as it &ell.
3eally?D
eah, really.D
#$m shakin$ in my boots, here.D
*hould be.D Beth stood, her legs set wide apart, her hands rubbing together. For 7ust a moment # &elt a bit o& &ear, knowing Beth was a bun!h taller than #, and that mu!h &aster.
ou know, # !an 7ust about smell the smoke &rom the wheels turning in there.D # said, my oi!e !asual, though # did not een remotely &eel !asual in my idle threats. # saw that brow o& hers 4uirk again, but nothing else. # took a step ba!k, still !asually tossing the ball up into the air, a little higher ea!h time, my body ready to take o&& at a moment$s noti!e. *he lunged, putting my legs into a!tion. # s!reamed as # took o&& at breakne!k speed, hearing her growl behind me as she !hased, still a bit behind, but gaining with eery heartbeat, whi!h were &ast and &ew in between.
3un, little girl. 3un9D # heard !hanted behind me, her oi!e low and eil. # !ouldn$t help but grin as # !ontinued to pump those short legs o& mine as &ast as # possibly !ould, determined to gie mysel& at least hal& a !han!e by sheer determination alone. To no aail. # s!reamed again as # &elt hands wrap around my waist, stopping me &rom !rashing to the ground. # was suddenly pulled ba!k against her, breath in my ear as she husked &or me to say un!le. *ay it9D
-o9D # said, my oi!e 7ust as breathy as # attempted to bring my heart rate under !ontrol &rom my little run. # struggled against the arms that held me !aptie, the ball held to my body.
*ay it,D # managed to twist out o& Beth$s grasp, and ran, only to stumble and &all to a knee. # win!ed as # &elt the grass embed itsel& into my skin. # &ell, and rolled oer onto my ba!k in time to see her !oming at me, &alling down onto me, straddling my hips, pinning my arms down to the grass with her own. *ay it,D she husked again, her eyes wild, a hal& smirk on her lips. # tried to twist out o& her grip, whi!h # knew was absolutely useless. # !len!hed my teeth and eyes shut as # attempted to break out o& her unbelieably strong grasp. This isn$t hard, Em.D *he !hu!kled. ou$re so stubborn. ust say it. 8n!le,D
-eer9D # opened my eyes to see her grinning, rela0ing her grip a bit, but still determined. *uddenly those blue eyes &lashed, and # knew # was in trouble. *he brought both my wrists up to one hand, and with the other began to ti!kle me. -o9D # !ried, s4uirming &or all # was worth as # &elt &ingers atta!king my ribs, my sides, my stoma!h, under my arms. +h, god, no9 -o9 (on$t, ugh, won$t say, uhhh9D # !ould hear her laughing as she assaulted my poor body. Feeling like # !ould pee my pants, # shouted, +kay9 8n!le9 8n!le9 Aunt9 Aunt9 Brother9 (hateer (hateer you want9 ust let me up,D
a.D *he said with satis&a!tion, and the weight that was holding me down was gone, my wrists released. released. # tried tried to !at!h my breath, opened my eyes to see Beth kneeling ne0t to me, a grin on her &a!e. ow ya &eeling?D she asked, her words dripping with sar!asm. # stu!k my tongue out at her, whi!h got me another 4uirked brow. )are&ul what you do with that.D *he warned, tapping her thumb and inde0 &inger together.
ou are eil.D # said, &inally able to speak as # held mysel& up on my elbows. *he grinned.
es, that # am.$ *he stood, rea!hing her hand down to help me up.
# stood at the pulpit, the bible that the minister had gien me laying &lat against the in!lined board. 5y &ingers !aressed the thin, tissue'paper like pages, open to the s!ripture that # had been gien the preious night, the s!ripture that # was to read. # did not see the lines that were be&ore me, the words that # was to say, words that Beth neer said, that meant nothing to her.
)learing my throat, # looked up, meeting the ga1e o& the audien!e be&ore me. A small smile spread a!ross my lips, and with a so&t thump, # !losed the heay bible.
# am supposed to read this s!ripture.D s!ripture.D # said, raising the bible &or all to see. # looked around the !ongregation, &illed with people that # did not know, sae &or a hand&ul. (ho were they all to Beth? (ould she be able to stand here and identi&y all o& them?
5y ga1e went to -ora *ayers, and # saw the !on&usion in her own eyes, so mu!h like Beth$s. # smiled at her. # was not sure e0a!tly what # was doing, and # think she sh e understood that.
As # look out at you all, staring up at me, wondering what # am doing, wondering mysel& what #$m doing, # think to mysel&. # think that this is the sight that Beth loed the most.D # smiled warmly at the rows o& people. *he did loe an audien!e.D # nearly whispered, the mi!rophone be&ore me !at!hing my words, &illing the large 4uiet spa!e with them. *omeone !oughed near the ba!k. # don$t really want to read these words, as beauti&ul and meaning&ul meaning&ul as they may be.D # pla!ed the bible ba!k on the pulpit, and on!e again &a!ed my listeners. # 7ust hae something ery simple to say.D # !ould &eel my eyes beginning to sting. 2od, not now. #& # !ould only hold it down &or a minute. This would all be oer in a minute. Beth was my best &riend &or many, many years. (e were !hildren together. Teenaged demons together.D A &ew !hu!kles &illed the room. # smiled, memories &rom the last &ew days &lying by my eyes,
+h, my god9 *tri!kland is like, the absolute best dire!tor # hae eer worked with9D Beth gushed, her eyes wide, e0!ited. # sat a!ross &rom her at our regular table in the !a&O, a smile on my lips. # had not seen her so happy about anything in a long, long time. The bells aboe the door dinged as someone rushed in, trying to get out o& the snow that !ontinued to blow outside. e has this in!redible ision &or this produ!tion, Em. # mean, his ideas are in!redible9D
Beth$s oi!e began to e!ho in my head, hea d, &illing it as # stared at her. # noti!ed a small s!ar aboe abo e her right eye that # had neer noti!ed be&ore. # had to wonder i& that had been &rom the time she$d banged her head against the swing set at the s!hool in &i&th grade. er head had bled like a stu!k pig. But then, head wounds always seemed so mu!h worse than they a!tually were, as she had reminded me at the time. Then # noti!ed the tiny spe!s o& darker blue that littered her eyes, the !olor o& the bluest une sky. *o beauti&ul. er dark brows aboe them raising and &alling with her e0!itement leel, a !ouple tiny dark hairs straying away &rom the others, marring what would otherwise be a per&e!tly ar!hed brow. But it didn$t matter. -othing !ould mar Beth$s beauty. er beauty shone &rom the inside, blinding in its purity. *he le&t me awe inspired. 5y eyes roamed down her &a!e, down that straight nose, the tiniest beginning o& a line on the right side. #n another ten years that line would sti!k more, stay a little longer a&ter a smile. 5y eyes trailed down to her lips, moing 4ui!kly as she spoke, the words now mute against my dea& ears. The &lash o& straight, white teeth as she &ormed words, made sounds, breathed. A tiny bit o& salia es!aping the !orner o& her mouth, only &or an errant tongue to snake out and !at!h it be&ore it !ould go anywhere. The lips moist &rom her words, looking so&t, 7ust the slightest bit !happed &rom the !old, Boulder air. air. That dry, )olorado )olorado !old. Played hao! on skin. 5y eyes began to retra!e retra!e their path until they &ell upon twin eyes, hal&'hooded, one brow raised.
Are you listening to a word #$m saying?D # was snapped ba!k into the !a&O.
8m, in!redible.D # stuttered, blinking hard to kno!k mysel& ba!k into the !onersation. is ideas are in!redible.D # smiled, proud that # !ould remember what she$d been talking about. *he bit the side o& her lip, wiping her hands on her napkin.
8h, huh. is ideas were in!redible about &ie minutes ago.D *he threw the napkin into her empty plate, and sat ba!k in her !hair, one arm hanging oer the ba!k.
+h.D # said, !ompletely embarrassed. (here had my mind gone, anyway? To !oer my &eeling stupid'ness, # grabbed my !up o& !o&&ee, and sipped. # &elt Beth$s eyes on me, but # !ould not meet her ga1e. # had been staring again, hadn$t #? # had been doing a lot o& that lately, and had no idea why. Beth was Beth. The same eeryday. The same she$d been &or the last ten or so years. But Bu t # 7ust !ouldn$t help mysel&9 5y eyes re&used to behae.
ou ou going to 6aney$s party tonight?D tonight?D # heard asked. 5y eyes &inally &inally snapped up &rom my hands that were wrapped around the warm mug. # met the amused look, but shook my head. (hy? *hould be &un.D *he tried to enti!e, but wouldn$t work.
ae to study.D
2od, Em9D she whipped her head ba!k, her hands in the air with e0asperation. 6ie a little, &or !rying out loud.D
Beth, we$e had this !onersation be&ore. # am here to study. -ot party.D # e0plained, &or the millionth time. Beth and # would 7ust neer see eye to eye on this sub7e!t.
(hat, and #$m not?D she said, suddenly sobering.
# didn$t say that. # was not talking about you, Beth. # was talking about me.D # said, my oi!e edged 7ust slightly with irritation. (hy did she always hae to in&er that # was talking about her? # tried to !at!h her eyes, but she would not look at me. Then it hit me. 6ike a ton o& bri!ks, it hit me. Beth still thought o& hersel& as lower than me. 6ike she was not worthy. worthy. # &elt my heart sink, then rea!hed a!ross the table to take her hand in mine. er ga1ed raised to meet mine. *he looked so shy. shy. a!kpot. Beth, don$t &eel that you hae to !ompete with me.D # said, my oi!e so&t. (e are di&&erent people.D *he opened her mouth to speak, but # stopped her, holding a hand up. # !ould
neer do what you do on stage. Eer.D *he stared at me, and # stared ba!k. (e must hae sat there &or &ie minutes, 7ust staring, holding hands. # did not want to let go, and was surprised when # &elt her thumb rubbing oer the ba!k o& my hand and thumb. A small, so&t smile spread a!ross those lips, and she nodded, as i& !oming to some sort o& de!ision in her head.
Thanks.D *he said, her oi!e 7ust aboe a whisper. # smiled ba!k, s4uee1ing her hand a bit tighter. *he looked away, looking out the glass door o& the pla!e, seeing the wind had slowed, but the snow !ontinued to &all. *he turned ba!k to me. (anna go walk in it?D (ithout hesitation # nodded. +ne o& my &aorite past times. (e stood, and tugging our heay !oats on, tossing some bills onto the table, and heading out into the early winter eening.
# swallowed hard, trying to make those snow'&illed images leae my mind. # !losed my eyes &or a moment, only to open them to see the !hur!h still be&ore me. Beth,D # stopped to !lear my throat. *orry.D # whispered, smiling slightly. Beth was the kind o& person who, who you !ould !ount on &or anything. For eerything.D # glan!ed out the window, seeing the snow beginning to lightly &all. # smiled. ow many o& you &rom the neighborhood remember Beth$s snow !reations?D again, !hu!kling around the san!tuary, as # saw heads bobbing with the memory. (hat about the year she made the anatomi!ally !orre!t reindeer?D # grinned, looking to Billy, who had helped her. e tried to hide his smile behind his hand. +r how about that horrible i!tory !ry she$d yell when we played street &ootball?D # &ound mysel& !hu!kling along with that one, as well. *eeing and hearing it plain as day in my mind$s eye. And !ould she eer make a good snowball,D
The !ampus was nearly empty as the later the night got, the !older it got. Beth and # strolled along the path, my hands tu!ked inside my !oat po!kets, hers tossing a ball o& snow around &rom hand to hand. (e talked. And then she said something that &or some reason made me get 4uiet.
#$e de!ided to take that !ute little blonde out.D *he said, her tone !asual. *he glan!ed oer at me, the deil in her eyes. # didn$t look ba!k.
+h.D (as all # said.
ou know the one #$m talking about, right?D she threw the snowball up in the air, !at!hing it mid' &all. # nodded.
eah. 5adeleine Briggs &rom your Aspe!ts o& Theater !lass.D # said, my oi!e low, een.
2ee, don$t sound so e0!ited about it, Em.D
*orry.D # said, putting a smile on my &a!e. (hy the hell was # ti!ked? *he had a right. ust be!ause we had been spending eery single &ree minute together &or the last semester didn$t mean # had any !laim to her, or anything. *he smiled ba!k, though it was obiously &or!ed. For 7ust a se!ond # got the strange &eeling that she was not all that e0!ited oer the prospe!ts o& 5adeleine Briggs, either. (hat are you planning to do?D # asked, # suppose trying to pry in&ormation out o& her that # !ould take home and disse!t later. 2od, # was a bad person. *he shrugged.
# don$t know. # was thinking about taking her to 6aney$s party.D
+h.D -ow # really didn$t want to go.
But, # don$t know.D *he said with a sigh, then # su!ked in my breath as # &elt in!redibly !old &ingers slide in!redibly more !old snow down the ba!k o& my shirt. # stopped, bringing my shoulder blades together to attempt to stop the progress o& the snow &rom !hilling any more o& my ba!k than ne!essary.
ou are eil,D # managed through !len!hed teeth. *he began to laugh, then ba!ked away, gathering more snow as # tried to get mysel& !omposed enough to atta!k, or at the ery least, de&end mysel&.
ou$re ou$re gonna get it9D
# head the words e!hoing in my mind as # lowered my head, my eyes !losed as a lone tear managed to es!ape past the walls o& my heart that were 4ui!kly weakening, &alling with eery memory, eery moment # eer spent with her. Eery time # saw her look at me in that spe!ial way that only Beth !ould look, making you &eel spe!ial, spe!ial, separate &rom the rest o& the !rowd. # liked to think that that look was 7ust &or me, but neer really knew &or sure. The tear slid down my !heek, &alling to the bible on the pulpit below, making a dark spot on the already dark leather.
Beth was a presen!e,D # !ontinued shakily. -ot a person. *he had a gi&t. A gi&t to be able to rea!h down inside you, tou!h a part o& your soul, and take it with her.D # did not raise my head as another tear slipped slipped out to &ollow &ollow the path o& the &irst. # !ould not &a!e the eyes that wat!hed me struggle, struggle, wat!hed my internal internal battle that # was 4ui!kly losing. As my oi!e began to 4uier 7ust a bit, # heard the sound o& someone blowing their nose, and yet someone else !rying 4uietly. # !ould not look into the tortured eyes o& someone else when # !ould barely &a!e my own torment. *he was my best &riend.D # whispered, and stepped away &rom the mi!rophone, &rom the ery isible eyes o& the others, stepping stepping away &rom mysel&, mysel&, &rom my sel&'!ontrol sel&'!ontrol.. # needed air. air. -eeded to be alone.
ello?D # said into the re!eier, 7ust a bit more than annoyed. # hated being bothered when # was writing a paper. But then, then, # was the one who &orget to unplug the phone .
a ha9 2ot you at home. 2oody.D
Beth. (hat do you want?D # asked, &lipping through my di!tionary, looking &or the per&e!t word that would &it.
)ome out with me.D
)an$t. 2ie me a word &or alike?D # said, my brows drawn as # !ontinued my sear!h.
8m, let me think. +h, got a good one.D # !ould hear the smile in her oi!e, and so looked up &rom my di!tionary, waiting to hear the terms o& use. #$ll gie you this wonder&ul, great, terri&i! word i& you !ome out with me.D
Beth, # hae a di!tionary in my hands as we speak.D
*o? But it wouldn$t !ome &rom me.D *he !ountered. !ountered. # took my reading glasses o&&, tossing tossing them onto the desk, rubbed my eyes.
+kay. (here?D
To To 6aney$s party.D # groaned.
Beth,D
-o whining. ay ay or nay?D with a loud sigh, # agreed.
Fine. *pill it.D # said, my &ingers poised aboe my type writer. And this better be good.D # warned.
*ymbioti!.D *he said, obiously proud o& hersel&. # re'read my senten!e, &itting Beth$s word in, and haing to admit that it worked per&e!tly. # did good, right?D
es. ou did good. Fine. #$ll go.D # was about to hang up, but stopped. (hat about 5adeleine? # thought she was going to go with you?D
-ah. %e!ided #$d rather go with you. *ee you in &i&teen minutes.D
# sat there, the phone still in my hand as # pro!essed what she had 7ust said. (hat did she mean by that? +r had she meant anything at all? # buried my &a!e in my hands. # seemed to be reading into eerything she said, and that was not good.
(hy?D # moaned into the empty room.
Beth droe us to 6aney$s house in the pie!e o& !rap !ar she$d bought oer the summer. ey, it was !heap and gets me where # need n eed to go.D ad been her de&ense. +kay. (ell it sort so rt o& o & gets ge ts me where #$m going.D *he had grudgingly amended.
6aney (ilson was one o& my best &riends at )8, and had taken to Beth right away. Eeryone had &allen in loe with Beth when #$d introdu!ed her. *he was so !harming, and &un. *he had &it in 7ust &ine. *itting in the passenger seat that had been taped together with du!t tape, # thought about this. # was glad Beth got along with my &riends. #t made it mu!h easier &or us. oweer, part o&
me, the !hildish, sel&ish part, wanted Beth all to mysel&. (hen she had shown up at my dorm, she had looked great in a pair o& loose !ords, and a tu!ked in &lannel. er hair, hair, whi!h she had begun to grow out the year be&ore, was shiny and !lean, her long bangs tu!ked behind her ears. *he had looked great. But then, Beth would look great in a potato sa!k.
# wat!hed as the night passed by the windows, the darkness tinged with a pinkish/orange hue &rom the snow re&le!ting o&& the street lights. #t was truly a wondrous night.
6aney$s house was well lit, !ars eerywhere they !ould possibly &ind a pla!e to park, as well as one or two on the &ront lawn. # wondered i& 6aney knew this? Pulsing base boun!ed around the night, ibrating the air. The 2o 2os song, ead +er eelsD throbbed out the &ront door. # smiled. # had &ond memories o& that song &rom the year be&ore. Beth and # made our way up to the house, and went inside.
Blindly, # made my way down the side aisle o& the !hur!h, the tears in my eyes making it impossible to see any o& the sympatheti! &a!es that # passed. # didn$t want to see them, anyway. # had to get mysel& together.
+n!e out in the !old, +!tober air, # leaned against the bri!k building, my eyes !losed as # took in deep breaths, &illing my lungs.
Emily.D 5y eyes opened and # turned my head to see 3ebe!!a standing 7ust outside the door. Are you okay, babe.D *he said, her oi!e 4uiet as she walked oer to me. # pushed away &rom the wall, !rossing my arms oer my !hest to ward o&& the !hill. # think # was also trying to push her out, make mysel& ina!!essible to her.
es. #$m &ine.D # said with a sigh. # really 7ust wanted to be alone. *he stepped !loser, pla!ing her hand on my arm. # !ould &eel her eyes on me, the worry radiating o&& her in waes.
(hat is it, Emily? Pleas don$t shut me m e out. Talk Talk to me.D
(hat would you like me to say?D # asked, turning on her, taking a step ba!k. *he su!ked in a surprised breath, her eyes wide. # 7ust,D # stopped, looking out into the parking lot, trying to think
7ust what # was trying to say. # think # 7ust need to be alone right now, 3ebe!!a. # need to think.D # looked ba!k at her with pleading eyes. *he nodded, her eyes wondering, not able to meet mine.
+kay.D *he said, then walked away. # !ould see the slump in her shoulders, the edge in her walk. *he was hurt, and !on&used. # &elt terrible. (hy was # not able to let her in? E0plain to her what was going through my head? # supposed suppose d be!ause # was not sure, mysel&.
ey, you two.D 6aney grinned when she saw us walk into the small house. *he !ame oer to us and hugged me, patting Beth on the shoulder. shoulder. 2ood &or you, Beth. %on$t know how you got her to !ome, but good &or you.D Beth grinned down at me.
# gae her a word.D 6aney$s brows drew in !on&usion, but she 7ust shrugged when Beth did not e0plain any &urther. &urthe r.
8m, okay. (ell, anyway, hae &un, ladies.D *he winked at me, and # stared at her retreating ba!k as she disappeared between dan!ing bodies.
Alrighty then,D Beth said, rubbing her hands together. # want a drink.D *he began to look around, trying to &ind where the al!ohol was being kept. A ha9D she e0!laimed, tugging me by the hand toward a distant pla!e in the !orner o& the room.
ou know, it really must be ni!e being tall.D # grumbled as # tried to aoid a nasty !ollision with some writhing person who was getting into the beat o& the 2o 2os 7ust a bit too mu!h.
(hat are you haing, Em?D # heard asked. # snapped my head around &rom looking at the other party'goers to see Beth holding two bottles in ea!h hand. # s!run!hed up my nose. )ome on, Em. ust hae one drink. For me?D she begged, the bottom lip sti!king out. # had su!h an urge to nip that protruding lip between my teeth. Taken aba!k by my thoughts, # a!tually took a step ba!k.
+kay. +ne. # don$t !are. (hateer you$re drinking.D
Beth handed me a glass bottle, whi!h surprised me. # looked up at her, and she shrugged. Eh, &igured you$d be able to handle a )oors and still study later.D # grinned at her, and &ollowed her through the throng o& people until we ran into a &ew o& our other &riends. (e all stood around talking when # noti!ed a woman walk into the house with another girl, neither o& whi!h # knew. The woman looked around her long, brown hair pulled ba!k into a ponytail. *he spotted our little !ir!le o& &riends, and stared at me, then brown eyes moed on to Beth where they stayed. # stared at her as she stared at my best &riend. # wanted to &ind some way to ward her o&&, get her to leae Beth alone, een i& she s he was 7ust looking. # hated the &eeling o& o & 7ealousy, but it permeated my body, making me angry. an gry.
ello? Earth to Emily?D my head snapped around until # saw our &riend 3i!hard staring at me, his eyes e0pe!tant.
*orry. *orry. (hat?D # asked as a s # sipped my beer, bee r, trying to not win!e. -asty, -asty, nasty stu&&.
The party dragged on, as parties tend to do. # was not a &an o& them. -eer had been, and !ertainly neer saw mysel& as being one. As my !onersation !ontinued with 3i!hard and his girl&riend, girl&riend, Ann, Ann, # turned to ask Beth a 4uestion, 4uestion, and noti!ed that she was gone. 5y brows drew, drew, and # looked around.
*he want dan!ing, Emily.D 3i!hard said. # looked ba!k at him, sho!ked. # had neer seen her go. # sighed, suddenly &eeling ery alone.
# stood in the ba!k o& the san!tuary leaning against the wall as the minister said his last words, bringing the seri!e to an end. 5y eyes gra1ed the !rowd, seeing the ba!ks o& their heads as they all listened, some putting their !oats on, or gathering their !hildren. 3eady to leae. 5y eyes strayed ba!k to the &ront, seeing the minister with his eyes !losed as he &inished with a prayer, then gae the !ongregation !ongregation instru!tions instru!tions as to where the seri!e would be to inter Beth. # walked out, headed toward my parent$s !ar. #$d wait &or them there.
5any beers, a &ew dan!es, and many dis!ussions later, # began to wonder through 6aney$s house, looking &or Beth. # was ready to go home. #t was late, and # was beyond tired, my mind reeling to the test # had the ne0t day. # peeked into the bedrooms, the kit!hen, een the bathroom, but she was nowhere to be &ound. )uriously enough, # reali1ed that # had not seen the brunette sin!e, either. # knew # was being silly, but stillR.
# tossed my hal&'empty beer into the trash under the kit!hen sink, and glan!ed out the window, and saw some people s!attered throughout throughout the ba!kyard. )urious, # opened the ba!k door, and stepped out onto the ba!k por!h, then &ro1e. +ut in the yard, 7ust barely in the light &rom the por!h light, stood the huge !ottonwood. *itting on the hard, !old ground, her ba!k against the massie trun trunk, k, sat sat Beth Beth.. The The !ute !ute brun brunett ettee on her her lap, lap, stra straddl ddlin ingg her. her. They They were were kiss kissing ing,, hands hands eerywhere. The brunette, with !losed eyes, broke the kiss, ar!hing her ne!k &or Beth$s mouth to probe. *tru!k, # &elt nauseous. *uddenly images !rashed into my mind stepping out o& the bathroom at the *tate Fair to see Beth and )asey du!ked behind the trailer o& a rig making out. +pening the big, metal door door at the theater only to &ind Beth and the redhead at the &ar end o& the hallway. # &elt hurt and betrayed. (hy? (hy !ouldn$t she see me like that? (hy !ouldn$t it be me who sat on Beth$s lap, tasting her mouth, then haing her mouth on my ne !k?
*uddenly &eeling su&&o!ated, # needed to get out o& there. # wiped an impatient hand oer my eye be&ore the tears that were threatening to seep out !ould dare &all, and sear!hed my po!kets &or my keys be&ore remembering that Beth had drien us.
%amnit9D # sear!hed through the house until # &ound 6aney. # !alled to her, and she turned to look at me, !on!ern immediately &illing her &a!e.
Emily? (hat is it?D she walked oer to me, pla!ing a hand on my shoulder.
Please take me home, home , 6aney.D # said, my oi!e small, &eeling een smaller.
(hat? (hy? Are Are you okay?D she pushed me away &rom the group she$d been talking to, taking us to a pla!e a little less populated. # was grate&ul. # &elt ridi!ulous enough e nough as it was.
Please, 6aney?D
(here$s Beth? # thought'
6aney9D # e0!laimed, not wanting to go into it, and getting e0tremely irritated. %amnit, why !ouldn$t # 7ust go home? *he !ould read it on my &a!e. *he nodded, her &a!e so&tening.
+kay. 6et me get my keys.D
# sat in the passenger seat o& 6aney$s little onda, my !oat &olded in my lap, staring out the window. 6aney 6an ey droe in silen!e, and # was glad. Finally we rea!hed my building. The !ar idled 4uietly as we sat there. 5e not ready to get out 4uite yet, 6aney not ready &or me to go. # knew she wanted answers, but # wasn$t so sure # had them.
(hat do you want me to tell her?D she &inally asked. # took a deep breath &ollowed by a shrug.
ou know, # really don$t know.D # smiled rue&ully oer at her. # guess 7ust tell her that # had to go home.D
5y &riend smiled sadly at me, but nodded. +kay.D
# gathered my belongings and mysel& together, and opened the !ar door, stepping out. *he leaned a!ross the passenger seat and looked out at me.
ou know, # don$t know why you two don$t 7ust do it and get it oer with.D # !ould only stare. *he smiled, and droe away. (hy, (hy, indeed.
# !ould &eel the rough bark against my hands, my &ingers &ingers digging into it as # &elt so&t lips beneath beneath mine, parting &or me. 5y eyes were !losed, but # knew who$s lips they were. Beth, # whispered, &eeling her beneath me, as # sat in her lap, my knees on either side o& her. # &elt hands in my hair, running down my ba!k, down lower until they slipped underneath my sweater. # sighed, &eeling the wetness o& a tongue against my ne!k suddenly. # sighed again.
BA5BA5BA59
5y eyes snapped open, my surrounding strange, me !ompletely disoriented. # sat up on my elbows, trying to &igure out what the hell had 7ust happened. # began to reali1e # was in my bed, in my dorm room when # heard the banging again, and reali1ed it was my door. *omeone was kno!king on my door. d oor. (ell, more like banging on it.
(hat?D # !alled out, irritated as # looked oer at the !lo!k to see it was barely eight in the morning. 5ore banging. esus,D # muttered as # threw ba!k the !oers, and sauntered oer to the door in my sweats and tee. #t is too god damn early' # stopped as Beth stared ba!k at me. # 7ust looked at her, not sure what to say. Then my dream began to &ilter ba!k in, and # remembered her mouth on mine, her hands on me, and # knew my &a!e must hae turned eery !olor known to man. # took a step ba!k. i.D
i.D *he returned, though she did not sound like a happy !amper. Then without a moment$s hesitation, she strolled past me into the room.
)ome on in.D # 4uipped, standing near the door, but pushing it shut. # turned to look at her, waiting &or her to speak. *he took her leather 7a!ket o&&, tossing it on )andi!e$s made bed. 2ood thing she had a morning !lass.
*o what$s the deal?D she asked, turning to me, her arms !rossed oer her !hest, her stan!e ery imposing.
(ith what?D # asked, !rossing my own arms.
(hy did you leae the party?D
# had to get home.D home .D # answered simply.
eah, that$s what 6aney said. But # want to hear it &orm you. (hy did you leae.D *he took a step toward me. # held my ground.
6ike # said, # had to get home.D # said again, though my oi!e a bit less belieable. Een to my own ears. # sounded weak. *he took another step.
# don$t beliee you, Em.D Beth said, her oi!e low, deep, almost mena!ing. # raised my !hin in !hallenge.
# don$t !are what you do or do not beliee, Beth. ou knew # had things to do. # needed to get home. # was tired. # went to &ind you, but' # !ut mysel& o&&, my eyes snat!hed away &rom hers. # did not want her to know that # saw her with that girl &or some reason.
But?D
But # !ouldn$t &ind you.D # lied, my oi!e 4uiet, belying eerything # had 7ust said.
ou ou saw me, didn$t you?D
Beth, please 7ust go. # need some sleep. # don$t hae !lass &or another three hours,D
%on$t lie to me, Em.D Beth grabbed her 7a!ket o&& o& )andi!e$s bed, and headed toward the door. # stared at the ground when # saw her stop in &ront o& me. # !ould &eel her breath against my bangs, ti!kling my &orehead. *omehow # garnered the !ourage to look up at her. *he stood not hal& a &oot away, staring into my eyes, looking at my &a!e, down to my mouth, then ba!k up to my eyes. *he was guarding gua rding her e0pression, and # !ould not no t read her at all. # hated when she did that. # looked deep into those baby blues, trying to see past the wall she had put up, trying to read what she was thinking. (as she angry an gry with me? # didn$t think so. There was another emotion that &ell &rom her in waes, but # didn$t dare gie oi!e to what # thought it was, be!ause # &elt it, too. 2et some sleep.D *he &inally said, her oi!e low and husky, then turned away, and stepped out into the hall, !losing the door so&tly behind her. # stared at the door, trying to &igure out what had 7ust happened. *he had !ome to get answers &rom me, but instead le&t so many o& her own 4uestions. # !oered my &a!e with my hands, and leaned ba!k against the wall behind me, sliding down until # sat upon the !arpet. +h, Beth.
# tried to !on!entrate on s!hool, as the holidays were 4ui!kly approa!hing, whi!h meant &inals soon. Thanksgiing was behind us, and now it was a ra!e to make it through the end o& the semester, and get to )hristmas. # had stayed !lear o& many o& my &riends, as was my !ustom around that time o& year. They all knew me well enough to know to leae me well enough alone. But there was really one person in parti!ular that # was trying to stay away &rom. # did not want to get mysel& &eeling things that # should not be &eeling. Again. # had a nasty suspi!ion that it was too late, but i& the old adage out o& sight, out o& mind, eer worked, # wanted to &ind out. #t didn$t. 5y mind strayed to Beth !onstantly, and # really didn$t know what to do about it. *he had !alled my dorm a &ew times, and 6aney had told me that she !onstantly asked &or and about me. # !ould not
do it. # only only had a year and a hal& o& s!hool s!hool to go be&ore be&ore going on to law s!hool. s!hool. # needed needed no interruptions.
# did, howeer, hear that Beth had turned into 4uite the heartbreaker. *he dated this one, and that one, then not a week or two later, later, was on to the ne0t. (hy? ust what e0a!tly e0a!tly was she trying trying to proe? To whom? # 7ust reasoned it was not my problem to worry about anymore. -ot that it had eer been.
# nearly 7umped out o& my skin when # &irst saw the &a!e, then heard the oi!e o& 6aney as # remoed the book &rom the shel& in the library. *he stood on the other side o& the sta!k, and grinned at me in the gap between books. # glared at her.
That was hardly &unny, 6aney.D
# thought it was.D *he !hu!kled, then disappeared, only to stroll around to my isle. +kay, woman. ere$s the deal. 3i!hard is haing a small, intimate get together at his pla!e &or )hristmas. # &igure we !an all e0!hange gi&ts, that sort o& thing.D # 7ust stared at her, already not interested. # began to shake my head when she held up a hand. Ah. (ait, be&ore you say no. #t$s on Friday, the week be&ore &inals start, so don$t een try that one.D # rolled my eyes, not wanting to get bo0ed into anything. # 7ust wanted to study in relatie pea!e.
6aney, # hae to study..D # whined.
*o study *aturday.D # sighed. # knew # should go. # hadn$t spent any time with the gang in oer a month. Finally with a resigned nod, # agreed. 6aney smiled with glee, and !lapped her hands together. ay9D
# threw on my !oat, and grabbed my keys, ready to go to 3i!hard$s. # did not want go, but had promised. The week be&ore we had all drawn names &or who we were supposed to buy &or. # had drawn our 3i!hard$s girl&riend, Ann. # knew she was into %e& 6eppard, so got her the newest !assette !assette they had released. Keys, and pa!kage in hands, # walked out to my eep. The weather was !old, %e!ember well in hand, and a bad storm the preious weekend. The holiday spirit was eerywhere, de!orations all oer !ampus and the town. # had to smile as # saw a *anta )lause talking to a little girl on the street !orner, his big bulk haing to kneel down to be at her eye leel. *he grinned up at the big, 7olly one. An old holiday tune sung by Elis blared out o& my speakers,
and # !ould not help but sing along, beating my palm against the !old steering wheel. # truly loed the holiday season, and !ould not wait to get home, and my mom and # !ould do our annual )hristmas shopping in %ener. # 7ust wanted the semester se mester to be oer with.
# pulled up to 3i!hard$s apartment apartment building, and lo!ked the eep up, 7ogged up the two &lights o& stairs. # kno!ked on the door on!e, when it was thrown open and # stared up at 3i!hard. e grinned.
5erry )hristmas.D e said, pulling me in, hugging me.
8m, 5erry )hristmas to you, too.D # said, surprised by his near giddiness. # walked oer to the &our &oot tree that stood upon a table in the !orner o& the room, and pla!ed my gi&t under it with the others.
2ie me your !oat, Emily.D # turned to see Ann standing behind me with anther !oat tossed oer her arm. # struggled out o& mine, and handed it to her. *he disappeared down the hall. # turned to see who all was there. 3i!hard, o& !ourse, 6aney and her boy&riend, our &riends Tanya and 6auren. *itting in the re!liner by the window was Beth. # 7ust stared, not e0pe!ting to see her. 6aney had not mentioned her, though why would she?
A light dri11ling snow was beginning to &all. The type where you !ould look up, sti!k your tongue out, and !at!h tiny &lakes o& watery snow. # walked around the graes, trying to not step on them. That had been something Beth had gotten on my !ase &or on!e.
ou ou !an$t step on $em, Em9 That$s 7ust rude.D
ust up ahead # !ould see the green tarp !oering that had been set up oer the graeside. A &ew !hairs had been set up &or the immediate &amily, whi!h was not mu!h. 3ebe!!a walked ne0t to me, but said nothing, nor did she try and tou!h me. # knew # had some apologi1ing and e0plaining to do, but later. -ot now. 5y parents and Billy brought up the tail end o& our little parade.
(e stood under the tarp, but did not sit. -ora *ayers sat &ront and !enter, &lanked by im and his wi&e to her le&t, and a blonde woman # didn$t know on her right. 5oni!a and )onnie walked up ne0t to me, 5oni!a s4uee1ing my &ingers. (ith a deep sigh, # looked to the !enter o& attention.
The !asket was beauti&ul: white with siler handles and de!oration. Flowers o& di&&erent !olors and types were pla!ed atop it. # wondered where they had &ound su!h beauti&ul &lowers this time o& year. 5ust hae !ost a lot. The minister walked up to the other side o& the !asket, &a!ing us, and opened his large book. e rea!hed up, straightened his glasses, then began to speak.
#t neer !eased to ama1e me how Beth !ould 7ust pop in and out o& my li&e at the strangest, strangest, and most inopportune times. *he looked up &rom her !hair, and smiled at me.
5erry )hristmas, Em.D *he said. # nodded.
5erry )hristmas.D # walked oer to the kit!hen where 3i!hard and Ann were piling sna!ks on trays !ra!kers with !heese logs, !ookies with brightly !olored i!ing making silly *anta &a!es or snowmen. )an # help?D # asked, leaning against the break&ast bar. 3i!hard looked oer his shoulder at me.
eah. 2et drinks ready.D e said, nodding toward the &ridge with his head. # walked oer to it, taking out !ans o& di&&erent kinds o& !anned soda, grabbing as many as # !ould with my hands and arms, holding them all against my !hest, and setting them on the !ounter.
(ant some help?D # looked up to see Beth standing ne0t to me, her hand on her hip. # took in her &estie sweater and bla!k !ords. *he wore a Bron!os baseball !ap. # !hu!kled.
%o you hae any idea how mu!h you !lash?D # grinned, taking in the red and green sweater, then the blue and orange o& the hat. *he looked down at hersel&, and smiled.
ey, a true die'hard &an does not !are. They$re in the play'o&&s. 2ot to support my boys. Elway$s &irst *uprebowl, you know.D kn ow.D
They$re not there, yet, Beth.D # pointed out, handing her a sta!k o& !ups to &ill with i!e.
They will be. 5ark my words.D
8h huh.D # said, purpose&ully trying to ti!k her o&& with my la!k o& interest. A point o& !ontention between us &or years.
5any )hristmas !ookies, and spiked egg nogs later, we all sat on the &loor in the liing room, ready to play a game o& )ons!ien!e.
+kay. The way the game is played is this,D e0plained 3i!hard, holding up an empty te4uila bottle. )ouple )ouple spin the bottle with truth or dare. ou ou spin the bottle, making you the !ons!ien!e !ons!ien!e o& the person who it points to. ou ask them any 4uestion you want. They hae a !hoi!e o& either answering it, honestly,D he looked around the !ir!le, eyeing us all with that word, or taking a drink.D
# heard nothing the minister said as # stared at the stone near the !asket
Eli1abeth *ayers +!tober GH, <=I> +!tober
5y mind &o!used only on those &ew lines. 5y brain re&using re&using to make them real, make them een remotely permanent. # wat!hed -ora as she sat there, the blanket the &uneral home had proided spread a!ross her legs. er hand raised up to her nose eery &ew minutes, the white Kleene0 she !lut!hed be!oming more and more saturated, small bla!k marks as her mas!ara was !ried o&&. im sat dry'eyed. e almost looked as i& he either &elt nothing, or perhaps was 7ust numb. 6ike me.
As # stood there, # &elt so strange, as i& # weren$t een really there. As i& # were 7ust a doll, waiting to go home. (aiting &or my owner to !ome and pi!k me up. #t was ery surreal. 5y eyes were heay, my lungs heaier &rom the !old air. Then, to my surprise, # reali1ed that the !old was !oming &rom inside o& me. *omething had died in me that day. *omething # !ouldn$t 4uite de&ine, but wondered i& # would eer get ba!k. +r, eer &igure out what it was.
# &elt the smooth glass o& the bottle in my &ingers. #t was my turn to spin the bottle, already haing embarrassed the hell out o& mysel& when answering 6aney$s 4uestion to tell her about the time #$d lost my irginity. irginity. -ot pleasant !onersation, !onersation, # assure you. *o, # pla!ed the bottle on the pie!e o& !ardboard we had put on the &loor to make spinning easier, and let it go. #t spun round and round, and # !ouldn$t take my eyes o&& o& it as # wondered where it would land, already &ormulating 4uestions in my head that would pertain to anyone present. Then, with one &inal shaky spin, it stopped. # looked up, &ollowing the path o& the mouth o& the bottle, meeting meeting blue eyes. +h, boy. # stared at Beth &or a moment, trying to de!ide what # wanted to ask her. The entire night she had hung around me, hanging on my eery word, !on&using me all the more. *he had been tou!hy, 4uite unusual &or her. Een 6aney had asked me about it. # had no answer &or her. *o # sat there, tapping my !hin with my &inger, &inge r, studying my best &riend with hooded, thought&ul though t&ul eyes.
+kay.D # said &inally. &inally. Eeryone waited, breathless, to see what #$d say. Beth,D
es, es, Em?D she asked, 4uirking a brow. # grinned.
#& you !ould kiss anyone in this room, who would it be.D # asked, my oi!e 4uiet, almost daring. Cuiet !hu!kles were heard, as eeryone there knew the situation, and # belieed had se!retly been making bets. The three other women in the room looked on, !urious to see what Beth would say. 5ost eeryone had answered their 4uestion, a near &ull bottle o& te4uila waiting &or someone to take their drink option. *urly that would not happen. A&ter all, we all had said we wanted to stay sober, and leel headed &or study time oer the weekend. Beth stared at me, her eyes neer leaing mine as she thought about my 4uestion. Part o& me wanted to look away so badly, almost ashamed &or asking. #t had been a bit manipulatie. # hoped # knew the answer, but didn$t want to hear it. et,R
Beth sighed deeply, then !leared her throat, neer breaking eye !onta!t with me.
# think #$m going to hae to !hoose to take a shot.D *he said, her oi!e 7ust as low and daring as mine had been. (ithout a word, she rea!hed her hand out to grab the shot o& te4uila that 3i!hard had poured &or her. *he raised the small shooter to me, then downed it in one gulp, her &a!e !ontorting as the li4uid &ire slid down her throat. 5y &a!e &ell, but # tried to hold it together. -ot wanting to gie anyone the satis&a!tion there o& knowing that # was !rushed. Beth had hurt me. And she had hurt me bad.
# stood where # had been be&ore, many o& the people leaing. # !ould still see in my mind as Beth$s !asket had passed below ground leel, disappearing disappearing into the earth. *o &inal. 5y &a!e still &elt tight and sti&& &rom the seemingly endless supply o& tears that had streamed down my !heeks, # unable to stop them. The numbness that had &illed me during the minister$s words o& &inality had melted away, away, oer!ome by the unbelieable unbelieable sorrow as they had begun to lower Beth. 6ower her to her resting pla!e. # !ould hear my mother !rying, 5oni!a standing ne0t to me had wept silently, her holding my right hand, 3ebe!!a holding my le&t arm, as #, too wept silently. -ot uttering a sound, 7ust weeping. # !ould not stop the tears i& # had tried, but # hadn$t wanted to. # needed to !ry. # needed to release. # needed to griee.
# &elt &ro1en as # stood there, not really sure about who was around me, the numbness returning een though tears still slid &rom my eyes, warm as they seeped out, then &ree1ing my &a!e as the !old air hit them, making me shier.
oney,D # heard my mother say to my le&t, her hands wrapped around my arm. )ome on, honey.D *he whispered, her oi!e thi!k &rom emotion.
-o.D # said. #$m going to stay &or &o r a bit.D
Are you sure, baby?D # nodded, like a robot, not &eeling the nod, 7ust knowing # was nodding. +kay. *ee you at home.D 3ebe!!a hugged and kissed me, then le&t with my parents. # &elt someone standing beside me, and # turned to see it was the blonde who had sat ne0t to -ora. *he looked at me, smiled.
ou must be Em?D she said, surprising me by using Beth$s name &or me. # nodded. *he was ery beauti&ul beauti&ul with long, blonde hair, swept ba!k oer her shoulders, shoulders, her blue eyes !lear and honest. #$m 6ana.D *he e0tended her hand, whi!h on autopilot # took. #, well, Beth and # lied together &or &ie years.D *he turned and looked oer at the stone that had kept my rapt attention. attention. # was with her when she,D her oi!e broke 7ust a bit. *he !leared her throat, and turned ba!k to me with a smile. # heard a lot about you oer the years. # always wanted to meet you. And here we are.D # smiled weakly weak ly..
# guess so.D # said, my oi!e 4uiet, unre!ogni1able to mysel&.
*he used to talk about you all the time. At &irst # was almost 7ealous.D 7ealous.D *he smiled again. # !ould understand how Beth had &allen in loe with this woman. er pure heart was pla!ed upon her sleee, as well as her undeniable grie&. grie&. 8m, Em, # want you to know that Beth was happy. happy. *he was loed. @ery mu!h.D *he whispered, du!king her head &or a moment. *he seemed to get hersel& under !ontrol and smiled on!e again. Anyway Anywa y, 7ust wanted to say hello.D
Thank you, 6ana.D # said, trying to smile through the newest assault o& tears. 2od, how !ould anything be so pain&ul? 6ana took a step !loser to me, and be&ore # knew it, # was eneloped in a strong hug. # hugged her ba!k, then she pulled ba!k &rom me, not een looking at me again. *he made her way through the !emetery, her bla!k pant suit the only thing isible on her a&ter awhile, until she was gone. # turned ba!k to Beth$s stone, taking a step !loser.
Emily? Emily, wake up,D
# opened my eyes to see )andi!e standing oer me. (hat?D # muttered.
)ome on. The study group?D she said, patting her ba!kpa!k that hung &rom her arm.
(hat about it?D # asked groggily, turning to my other side, giing her a ni!e iew o& my ba!k.
3emember? (e$re all getting together &or the lit !lass &inal?D
-ot goin$.D # muttered, then !losed my eyes. # had no desire whatsoeer to get out o& bed, let alone go to some stupid study group. # slept through *aturday, *aturday, not giing a shit about &inals. &inals. 6et whateer would happen, happ en, happen. # didn$t didn $t need it. # &elt su!h a heay weight on o n me sin!e the party at 3i!hard$s. -othing mattered. (hy the hell should # !are i& Beth didn$t gie a shit? # was tired o& !aring. # didn$t want to !are anymore. (hy did she hae to !ome ba!k into my li&e? # was doing 7ust &ine9 # s4uee1ed my eyes shut as # &elt li4uid warmth seep out, wetting my pillow, then darkness as sleep on!e again !laimed me.
The darkness dissipated as # heard pounding. Pounding that wouldn$t stop. 2od, what now? )ouldn$t they 7ust let me sleep through a goddamn *aturday?
(hat9D # bellowed, my head ringing with the yell.
Em?D !ame the mu&&led reply. # 4uirked open an eye. (hat the hell?
2o away9D
6et me in9D the doorknob rattled, and # 7ust got more irritated.
2o the &u!k away, whoeer you are9D # yelled again, throwing one o& my pillows to emphasi1e my point. Then # 7umped as the person ki!ked the door. 5y god. (ith a growl # 7umped &rom the bed, hurried oer to the door, unlo!ked it, walking ba!k to my bed. The door opened, and # plopped down on the mattress, grabbing grabbing my trusty teddy, teddy, 3u&&les as # sat, holding him !lose to my !hest. Beth barged in, storming to the middle o& the room. *he looked worried, angry, and all sorts o& other things, none o& them happy, as she stared down at me, her hands on her hips. 2o away, Beth.D # said into the &ur on top o& 3u&&les head.
(hat the hell are you doing, Em?D she asked, her oi!e hard, angry.
(hat do you mean? (hat am # doing. #$m attempting to sleep, that$s what #$m doing. 5y god, you$d think the world had neer heard o& sleeping in, &or )hrist$s sake.D
*leeping in?D she repeated, nearly spitting the words out at me.
eah. eah. # know you sure su re as hell know all about that.D
ou$e been sleeping in, alright. %o you hae any !lue what day it is?D she took a step &orward. # glared ba!k up at her.
*aturday? At,D # glan!ed oer at the !lo!k, one'thirty in the a&ternoon.D
Try 5onday at one'thirty in the a&ternoon, Em.D *he barked out. # looked at her, in!redulous. -o. )ouldn$t be. our roommate was worried about you. *he hunted me down a&ter !lass today. *aid you didn$t do any studying this weekend. %idn$t get out o& bed this weekend. Em9D she took yet another step !loser. (hat the hell are you doing?D
(hat do you !are, Beth? ou ou get pissed that # study so mu!h as it is.D # said, pi!king pi!king at 3u&&les 3u&&les &ur on his arm. *he stared at me, stung. #t &elt good. #t &elt good to hurt her. 5y heart still hurt &rom 3i!hard$s party. *he was 4uiet &or a moment, her hands running through her hair, studying the &loor.
(hat is this about, Em?D she &inally said, her oi!e low, 4uiet. 8nsure.
-othing, Beth. #t$s about nothing.D # tossed 3u&&les aside. (hy are you here?D her head 7erked up, her eyes narrowed. (hy don$t you 7ust go &ind one o& your &laor o& the week girl&riends, and leae me the hell alone, okay?D her entire &a!e &ell, as did her shoulders, only to regain !omposure. *he took in a deep breath, and stared at me, &ire entering her eyes.
#s this about that stupid game?D she nearly growled. # stared up at her, &rightened &or 7ust a moment. #s that it, Em?D
ou took your shot, Beth. That was your prerogatie.D # said, my oi!e hard. *he smiled, though no humor lined those lips, and nodded to hersel&.
That$s it. Be!ause # wouldn$t &u!king admit to,' she !ut hersel& o&&. o &&.
(hat?D # !hallenged. Admit Admit to what, Beth?D # un&olded mysel& on my bed, and stood. Admit to what, Beth?D
*top it. This is ridi!ulous.D
#s it?D she glared at me.
*top it, Em. #$m warning you.D
# took a step !loser. # !ould &eel the heat &alling &rom her in waes. *he was nearly ibrating with it, though what e0a!tly what itD was, # didn$t know.
+r what? uh?D # rea!hed her, staring up into her &a!e. er &ists were !len!hed at her sides.
ou want to hear it? mm? ou want me to answer your &u!king 4uestion? #s that it?D she said through !len!hed teeth.
(ould be ni!e.D
%on$t do this, Em.D To my surprise # saw &ear &lash through those eyes. ust as 4ui!kly it was gone. Fine. #$ll answer your &u!king 4uestion.D she growled. # su!ked in my breath as she lunged, grabbing two hand&uls o& my shirt, whipping me around until my ba!k was slammed against the wall. A pi!ture !rashed to the &loor ne0t to me. # wrapped my &ingers around her hands that still held my shirt, Beth$s body pressed against mine, her 7ean'!lad leg held against me, my bo0ers digging digging in. ou ou want to hear who #$d kiss?D Beth rumbled, her &a!e mere in!hes &rom mine. *he had me pinned to the wall, but # don$t know that # would hae moed had # been able to. # 7ust stared into her eyes, twin pools o& i!y &ire. ou, Em. # would hae kissed you her eyes traeled my &a!e, taking in my wide eyes, then down my nose, to my lips where they stayed. #$e always always wanted to kiss you, Em. *till do.D the last whispered.
Then do it.D # whispered ba!k. er eyes le&t my lips, and met my own. *o many things passed through them: un!ertainty, &ear, hope, and mostly, desire. The room was &illed with the sound o& our heay breaths as we stared at ea!h other. 5y &ingers tightened on her hands, begging her. *he !lut!hed my shirt tighter, and roughly pulled me to her, !rushing her lips against mine, pinning me &urther to the wall, her leg sliding between my own. er tongue pushed through my !losed lips, &or!ing me to let her in, a whimper es!aping her throat. *he pushed &urther into my body, her hands loosening their hold on the material, and grasping my shoulders. 5y hands released released her hands, and slid up her &orearms until they snaked up around her ne!k, bringing her in !loser. er mouth began to slow, and so&ten against my own, her rough taking turning to the so&t bestowing o& gi&ts o& her tongue, lips, teeth.
Beth,D # breathed into her mouth, still ama1ed that she was here, that she was kissing me, that it was her arms and body around me.
#$m here.D she whispered, her hands sliding down my shoulders, her &ingers sneaking up the short sleees o& the tee, rubbing the bare skin o& my upper arms and shoulders. 5y own hands began to stroke her ne!k, bury themseles themseles into her thi!k hair, hair, and eentually eentually &ind themseles at the !ollar o& her 7a!ket, tugging at it, pulling the leather o&& o& her, down her shoulders, and &inally down her arms. Beth tossed the !oat to the &loor, and !ame ba!k to me, pressing hersel& against me again. # !ould &eel her breasts through the thin material o& her shirt, pressed against mine. # moaned, &eeling as i& # had neer been tou!hed be&ore. As i& Beth$s kiss and tou!h was water to a drowning woman. The last li&e'line.
# &elt Beth$s hands begin to roam down my shirt, stroking my sides on their way down, &inally &inding &inding the hem o& my shirt, shirt, and slipping slipping under, tugging tugging my shirt oer my head. # li&ted li&ted my arms, as she took it !ompletely o&&, throwing it behind her to the &loor. Beth returned to my mouth, but her hands !upped my breasts, the nipples already hard against her palms. # needed to &eel her against me, skin on skin. # tugged at her shirt, &reeing it &rom the waistband o& her 7eans, and tugging it oer her head. Beth had neer been one &or bras, so # looked down at her. *he was magni&i!ent. magni&i!ent. *he shook her hair &ree, and pressed against me, both o& us moaning at the tou!h. Fire was sweeping through me at rampant speed.
# gasped as she pushed her thigh &urther into me, pressing against me as her mouth deoured my own. 5y &ingers dug into her shoulders as her lips le&t mine, mine, beginning to kiss and li!k down my 7aw, my head li&ting to gie her as mu!h a!!ess as she wanted: needing to &eel her, my skin on &ire. *he su!ked on my ne!k, biting as her hands slid down my ba!k, &ingers dipping into the waistband o& o & my bo0ers, !aressing !are ssing the smooth skin o& my rear end. end . # brought my hands down to the &ront o& Beth$s 7eans, and &iddled with the &ly, trying to get them unbuttoned, then un1ipped, pushing them down her legs. Beth got the hint, and stepped out o& them, ki!king them behind her. -ow we stood, me against the wall, Beth against me, both in 7ust our underwear.
#t stru!k me in that moment as Beth returned to my mouth, kissing me long and deep, 7ust e0a!tly what the term making loe meant. Be&ore that moment, # had neer had any !lue to the real meaning.
# pushed away &rom the wall, pushing against Beth, toward my bed. *he ba!ked up, our lips neer missing missing a beat. The ba!k o& Beth$s legs hit the mattress, and she let hersel& &all &all ba!k, taking me with her, her arms wrapped around my waist, pulling p ulling into her. #t &elt unbelieable to be !ompletely
pressed against Beth. #t all seemed like a dream that # prayed # would not wake &rom any time soon.
Beth rolled us oer, s!ooting me up so # laid ba!k against the pillows. *he held hersel& up on her arms, stared down at me. # ran my &ingers up and down her ba!k, looking into those eyes that at times haunted me.
#$e waited so long.D she whispered.
5e, too.D
# loe you, Em.D she leaned her head down, giing me the so&test kiss.
# loe you, too, Beth.D she stared at me &or a moment longer, then kissed me &or all she was worth, pouring eerything e erything she &elt into the kiss, leaing me breathless. *he pulled away &rom me, kneeling kneeling as she remoed her underwear, underwear, &linging &linging them o&& the side o& the bed, then rea!hing &or my bo0ers, staring me in the eye as she slid them down my legs, and oer the side they went. *he stared at my body as # laid ba!k, &easting on me, running her hand up my leg, &ingertips teasing the wiry hair between my legs be&ore they !ontinued to trial up oer my stoma!h, then both hands &ound my breasts, !ausing me to su!k in a breath. # ar!hed into her tou!h, !raing it.
*he pulled me up, pulling me onto her lap so # was straddling her, my arms around her ne!k, &ingers &ingers in her hair as on!e again she &ound my mouth, her hands on my breasts, thumbs playing playing with my nipples, !ausing shooting waes wa es to &low through my body bod y. *he wrapped her arms under und er mine, her hands !upping my shoulders as she pushed me ba!k some, her mouth seeking my breasts still still tingled &rom her &ingers. # !losed my eyes, mouth opening in a silent silent moan as Beth$s lips wrapped around my right nipple, and began to su!kle me, her tongue swiping a!ross it, sending &resh 7olts o& desire through me, landing s4uarely south.
To my surprise, # &elt a hand leae my shoulder, and begin to trail ba!k down, disappearing between our bodies, and my legs. # leaned up a bit on my knees as Beth$s &ingers pushed through into the immense sli!kness that greeted her. *he moaned as she slid those &ingers through the wetness, !aressing me, stroking me, until &inally she entered me. # breathed into the side sid e o& her ne!k as # was &illed, her &ingers sliding out only to slide right ba!k in. # began to moe my body against her, with her until # was gasping as # rode her hand, my hips pumping as &ast as her hand.
# !losed my eyes, no longer able to keep them open as all # !ould do was &eel. The sensations were mind blowing.
(ith her &ree hand, Beth pushed my head ba!k to hers, her mouth &inding mine, our breathing mingling, her swallowing my moans and !ries as # &elt mysel& teetering on the edge. Then she pushed me oer as she rea!hed up with her thumb, pressing down on my !lit, rubbing it. 6ight &illed me, and # e0ploded. Beth !ontinued to pump, her thumb stroking until my body stilled, 7erking slightly with a small a&tersho!k. *he pushed me ba!k, and laid on top o& me, her body between my legs. (e kissed, long and hard, my heart still pounding out o& !ontrol in my !hest, my breathing 7ust beginning to get ba!k to normal, only to in!rease on!e again as # thought o& all the things # wanted to do to Beth.
# had to hae my mouth on her, so # &lipped &lipped her oer, me straddling her hips. (e were breast to breast. # stared down at her, and # !ould see the hunger in her eyes, shining, sending bolts o& lightning through my body with 7ust one glan!e. # kissed her, so&tly, gently, waiting &or her to open her lips, inite me in. %idn$t take long. The kiss remained so&t, e0ploring, until with a sigh, Beth wrapped her arms around me, running her hands down d own my ba!k until she !upped !u pped my rear, pulling me &urther into her. The kiss began to heat up, setting both on &ire again. #t be!ame desperate, &ighting &or spa!e in my mouth, then in hers, animalisti!, her hips grinding against me, sear!hing &or some sort o& relie&. # broke &rom the kiss, and began to kiss down Beth$s body, su!king on her nipples, !aressing her breasts with hands, &ingers, and mouth., Beth moaning my name, and slightly pushing down on my shoulders, needing my mouth on her. # !ontinued down, able to smell and &eel her heat as # got !loser, my body snaking down between her legs. (hen &inally # rea!hed her, # spread her legs a bit wider with my hands on the insides o& her thighs, and # looked up at her, meeting her ga1e.
Please,D she husked, and # smiled, gladly obliging. # lowered my mouth between Beth$s legs, and took in her smell be&ore snaking my tongue out, swiping it up her length, gathering her wetness on my tongue, spreading it, smiling in satis&a!tion at her shier. As # lowered my head again, # &elt Beth$s hands in my hair, guiding me, &ingers stroking my s!alp. # had neer wanted to please a woman as badly as # did that day. Beth meant so mu!h to me, and # wanted her to know it. # brought her to the point where her hips were bu!king wildly, her hands pressing my &a!e into her, needing that release that at that moment, only # !ould gie, whi!h # did, with pleasure.
# kissed the insides o& her thighs, and worked my way up as Beth tried to get her breathing under !ontrol, !ontrol, until # lay on top o& her again, and kissed her gently. gently. *he wrapped her arms around me, holding me !lose, whispering so&t words into my mouth. As we kissed, we began to moe together, neither sated, as Beth$s hips began a slow grind, our tongues mimi!king the a!tion. # pushed mysel& up onto my elbows, my &ingers digging into the pillow on either side o& Beth$s head
as our kiss deepened, our hips 4ui!kening their pa!e &rom slow and leisurely to &ast and hard. Beth began to pant into my mouth, her hands s4uee1ing, and pulling me &urther into her, deepening the !onta!t until both our bodies began to tremble, our skin sli!k &rom sweat and 7ui!es. # broke the kiss, burying my &a!e against Beth$s Be th$s ne!k, ne!k , biting the skin as # !ame, thrusting hard against her, my !ries mu&&led.
5y god,D Beth whispered, holding me !lose, her &a!e buried in my hair.
5y god.D # repeated.
# opened my eyes to see that it had gotten dark outside. A smile played a!ross my &a!e as # soaked in the heat that ran along the ba!k o& my body, the arms that held me &ast, and the warm breath against the ba!k o& my ne!k. (ith a !ontented sigh, # !losed my eyes.
(ith a small moan, # turned oer onto my ba!k, the smile &irmly in pla!e be&ore # een opened my eyes. # knew it was morning, and rea!hed my arms up oer my head to stret!h, &eeling almost like a !at. Then reali1ation reali1ation dawned on me, and # opened my eyes, looking to my right. right. -othing. # sat up, looking around the room. -o Beth. )andi!e$s bed was already made, her bag tossed onto it. # s4uinted as # looked oer at the alarm !lo!k, and saw it was nearly eight. # had a &inal at nine' thirty. # got up &orm the bed, pulling a tee oer my head, and looked around. -o note, nothing. # had a bad &eeling in my stoma!h, and threw on the rest o& my !lothes, and headed out o& the room, pulling a baseball !ap oer my un!ombed hair, ran to the ne0t building.
# stood outside the door, impatiently waiting &or my kno!k to be answered. # heard moement in the room. # looked up and down the hall where # stood, where Beth$s dorm was. Eerything was 4uiet. Finally the door opened. opene d. # blinked in surprise when # saw Kelly, Beth$s roommate.
ey, Emily.D Emily.D she said, her oi!e groggy grogg y. *he rubbed her eyes.
*orry to wake you, Kelly. (here$s Beth? %id she already go to her !lass?D # didn$t think she had a &inal that morning, but # !ould only hope. Kelly looked at me, her brows drawn.
Emily, you mean you don$t know? # mean, # &igured o& anyone, you would hae known.D
Known what?D # tried to keep the irritation as well as worry &rom my oi!e. %on$t think # su!!eeded.
Beth le&t.D
(hat?D Kelly nodded her dark head.
eah. *he le&t early this morning. 2ot all her stu&&, shoed it into her bags, and o&& she went. %idn$t een wake me up. eard her as she was leaing. # asked her what was up, and all she said was good'bye.D
# stared at Beth$s roommate, her dark eyes looking sad.
*he 7ust went home &or the holidays, right?D # said, my oi!e weak, already knowing the answer. Kelly shook her head.
# don$t think so, Emily. # think she$s 7ust gone.D # swallowed, and took a deep breath. Trying to put on a smile,
Thanks, Kelly.D Kelly.D
# turned away, hearing the so&t !li!k as the door was !losed behind me. # bit my bottom lip, and walked toward the door to the stairs. # looked to Beth$s stone, and was surprised to see that the guys had already &inished burying it. # looked around, trying to shake memory &rom my mind, and saw them driing the ba!k ho ba!k toward the utility house &urther into the !emetery. #t truly was 7ust me and Beth. # took a step &orward, standing 7ust at the edge o& the new dirt. # wiped a wet snow&lake out o& my eye. +r was that a tear? # wasn$t sure anymore. # ga1ed around and saw the green tarp !oering, the words Pioneer )emetery printed in white lettering. # smiled slightly.
(ell, Beth. 6ooks like we &inally made it to Pioneer, huh?D # looked ba!k to her stone, the wind my only answer. ans wer. ou$re ou$re right. #t is beauti&ul.D
5y thoughts returned to that )hristmas in !ollege. That time during &inals week when Beth and # had been together, and # relied the pain o& waking up to &ind out that Beth had not only le&t my bed, but the s!hool, and my li&e. For ten years.
(hy did you go, Beth?D # asked the gray winter sky. (hy? (as it a way o& running again? ou know, a&ter that # didn$t date &or a ery long time.D # smiled rue&ully. # thought it was bad lu!k. # de!ided to 7ust study, worry about !lasses, and being the best. # was the best.D # buried my gloed hands into the po!ket o& my oer!oat. 8ntil # met 3ebe!!a, seen years ago, # really thought that was it &or me. # really thought you had ruined it &or me, Beth.D
The snow was beginning to !ome down in earnest now, though it was not too !old. # li&ted my head, !losed my eyes, and stu!k my tongue out, !at!hing hal& a do1en &lakes into my mouth. # grinned and looked ba!k to Beth$s stone.
3emember our snow days? 2od, we had &un, didn$t we?D # looked down to the winter'dead grass at my &eet, the brittle blades !run!hing under my &eet. ou know, &or ten years # tried to get you out o& my mind. et, # !ouldn$t stay away &rom your plays. 2o &igure.D # !hu!kled 4uietly. # took 3ebe!!a to see your play on our &irst date. ou ou were playing Pippa in that strange produ!tion o& $*torage$. @ery strange play, might # add. But you were great. As always.D # ki!ked at a small ball o& snow that had begun to &orm. Ten Ten years, Beth. Ten years too long.D
# walked in the door &rom a late day at the o&&i!e, and 3ebe!!a had been out with a &riend. # dropped my brie&!ase and 7a!ket onto the !ou!h, and glan!ed oer at the answering ma!hine. The light was beeping. # pressed pre ssed play, and began to sort through the mail.
Bill, bill, 7unk, bill, 7unk, hmm. )oupons. )o upons. Bill,'
i, Em. This is Beth.D
# stopped the sta!k o& mail in my hand, and looked down at the ma!hine. Beth$s oi!e sounded &ar away and metalli! oer the speaker. # was stunned.
#$m in town this week, and would really like to see you. ou know, kind o& tou!h base with my old roots. *o, i& you$d like to get together, um, gie me a !all in my hotel room.D # listened dumbly as she re!ited her number, my heart beating 4ui!kly in my !hest. # pushed play again.
2od, had it only been last year that that had happened? # stared o&& at the rows o& stones that led up the hill, most at least a hundred years old. All its ri!h history had been one reason why Beth had loed Pioneer so mu!h. ust a year ago.
# !ould hear my blood pounding in my ears as # listened to the rings on the phone, part o& me so tempted to 7ust slam the phone down, and not deal with it. # had !leared my head and heart o& Beth *ayers long ago. # did not need a reminder. #'
ello?D !ame the low, husky oi!e # remembered too well. # was stru!k spee!hless spee!h less &or a moment. ello?D
8h, hi.D # !losed my eyes, &eeling really stupid.
i. Em?D !ame the 4uiet 4uestion, the hope unmistakable.
ello, Beth. ow are you?D # opened my eyes, and plopped down on the !ou!h, my &ingers playing with the phone !ord nerously.
#$m &ine. ou?D
Fine.D
(ell. (ell. #t$s been awhile.D awhile.D # !ould hear the &aintest &aintest bit o& a smile in Beth$s oi!e. *he also sounded ery tired. # glan!ed at my wat!h: only seen'&i&teen.
%id # wake you?D # asked.
-o. -o, 7ust taking a nap. *o tired these days. # swear, #$m getting old.D # smiled, but said nothing. 6isten, # really would like to see you, Em. #s that possible?D # remained silent &or a moment, trying to make an impromptu de!ision. 5y brain re&used to work.
+kay.D # said, not able to !ome up with anything more intelligent than that.
2reat.D # heard the sigh o& o & relie&, and was surprised. (hen? # leae Thursday.D
(ell, how about lun!h? Tomorrow? There$s a park outside my building. *ay around twele' thirty?D
es. Absolutely. #$ll be there. But, you must let me bring lun!h. # know o& this great little deli around the !ornier'
6onny$s? es, # know it. # go there a lot. Perhaps a bit too o&ten.D # heard the low !hu!kle on the other side o& the line. # had missed that, then was angry at mysel& &or thinking that. # wanted to drop that part o& my li&e. #t was oer with. Beth and # were oer with.
+kay, well. #$ll see you at twele'thirty, then.D
ou should hae seen how 7umpy # was the ne0t day, Beth. # &elt like a !hild.D # !hu!kled, reali1ing how stupid it had been. ow !hildish. # think 3ebe!!a thought # was on drugs, or something.D # smiled again, thinking about how # had glan!ed up at the !lo!k, seeing that it was twenty a&ter noon, and had tried to gather mysel& to go meet my best &riend.
ere you go. # hope you still like turkey?D Beth asked, handing me a si0 in!h sub and a *tyro&oam !up &illed with %r. Pepper. Pepper. # nodded.
up.D *he smiled. # studied her. *he was so thin. # hardly re!ogni1ed her at &irst when #$d seen her standing in the lobby o& our o&&i!e o&&i!e building. er hair was !ut short again, but looked good on
her. er blue eyes were not as bright, but still &ull o& li&e. # noti!ed how her !lothes hung &rom her tall &rame. # wondered but did not ask.
(e made our way out o& the building and to the park, &inding an empty park ben!h, and sat and began to eat. -either o& us said mu!h. # had many 4uestions &or her, but had pa!ked those away many years be&ore, and did not want to dig them out again. *o # didn$t.
ow hae you been, Em?D she asked, li!king a bit o& 5ayo o&& her lip.
2ood. #$e been doing real good. The &irm is wonder&ul, and #$e done well here. #$m due in !ourt tomorrow, a!tually.D Beth nodded, eyes wide with surprise and pride.
# always knew you$d do 7ust &ine.D she smiled, sipping &rom her )oke.
And you?D # asked, taking a bite &rom the turkey/*wiss sub.
)an$t !omplain. # lie in +regon now. (ho would hae guessed, huh? # did, howeer go home a &ew months ba!k. ou know, 7ust tou!h roots.D # smiled politely. Part o& me wanted to run, get away &rom my past. # did not need that. # had a new li&e, a good li&e with 3ebe!!a, and my !areer was booming. boo ming. All this making ma king up &or lost time, and !at!hing up was &or other people. peop le. -ot &or me. (ho needed it?
# rewrapped my sandwi!h, and put it into its plasti! bag, standing &rom the ben!h, smoothing my skirt as # did. # tossed the sandwi!h into the trash !an ne0t to the ben!h, and turned ba!k to Beth.
6isten, 6isten, it was ni!e to see you, Beth. But, # hae to get going.D *he looked up at me, looking like #$d 7ust hit her with a baseball bat. *he 4ui!kly !omposed hersel&, and stood also.
(ell, #$m glad you were able to get away &or a &ew minutes, anyway.D she also tossed her lun!h. (e stood there &or a &ew minutes, neither sure what to do. # didn$t know why # 7ust didn$t say later, and walk ba!k to work. Take !are, Em.D she said &inally with a smile. # smiled ba!k.
ou, too. 2oodbye.D # turned to start ba!k, when she !alled out to me. # stopped, but did not turn around.
Em? %on$t # een rate a hug?D # heard her say, pain behind those words. *lowly # turned around, looked at her. *he stood ne0t to the ben!h, her hands in her po!kets, and stared at me, her eyes &illed with pain, hope, and what looked to be regret. # took a &ew steps ba!k toward her until we were little more than a yard apart.
ou ou want a hug?D # asked, my oi!e low and een. *he nodded.
@ery mu!h so.D
A&ter all this time. A&ter all that happened. ou want a hug?D again she nodded.
es. es. Espe!ially a&ter all this time. And espe!ially a&ter all that happened.D
# don$t think so.D # began to turn to head ba!k when she !aught my arm, gently turning turning me ba!k to &a!e her. # looked up at her, the strangest lump in my throat. Then # &ell into her, wrapping my arms around her waist, and burying my &a!e into her ne!k. # &elt her arms around my shoulders, shoulders, one hand at the ba!k o& my head, her head against mine. For 7ust a moment # &elt so at pea!e. *o at home. 6ike # had !ome home. The missing pie!e had been &ound. 5y Beth was here. 5y ro!k. # !ould &eel her heart beating, # swear # !ould, as #$m sure she !ould &eel mine. *omething, # reali1ed, was ery di&&erent in that hug. #t seemed to desperate, so &inal. # !ould not understand it, nor did # want to. The need to run began to &ill my body, and # wanted to es!ape, es!ape the warmth be&ore it be!koned me again. # !ould not a&&ord to embra!e it again.
# pulled away, and without another look ba!k, # turned and hurried ba!k toward my o&&i!e. 5y sa&ety. 5y li&e.
# wiped one last errant tear away as # took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
# hae to go now, Beth.D # whispered. # loe you. 5y best &riend. Always.D # kissed two o& my &ingers, and pla!ed them on Beth$s name on her stone, and turned away.
As # headed up the hill toward the road, # was surprised to see the rental !ar parked there, and 3ebe!!a leaning against the side. er hands were stu&&ed into the po!kets o& her wool oer!oat. # walked up to her, and without a word, leaned into her, wrapping wrappin g my arms around her ne!k. ne !k. # &elt her arms slowly, almost hesitantly, wind their way around my waist.
#$m sorry.D # breathed into her ne!k, then began to !ry.
Epilogue
# listened to the sound o& the shower as # sat in our bed, my reading reading glasses on as # looked oer the &ile so # would be prepared &or work in two days. *atis&ied that # knew it well enough, # put it aside, and rea!hed up to remoe my glasses when # glan!ed oer at the night table, and saw the white enelope. # had not read it yet. Breathing deeply, # grabbed it, &ingering the smoothness, tra!ing the bold words on the &ront. Finally as # dug up my !ourage, and !are&ully ripped the enelope open.
Em. ow to start this. *hould it be something so dramati! as, i& you are reading this letter, than # am surly dead9? -o? # agree. # played too many roles in my li&e. -ow isn$t the time. # know you hae a lot o& 4uestions. 4uestions. Probably Probably about about as many as # do. But, see the thing is, long ago # !ame to the reali1ation that !han!es were good # would neer get the answers to those, so # stopped sear!hing. But, # neer stopped belieing. And # neer stopped loing. ou, Em. # neer stopped loing you. *o many years ago when we were in our prime, in !ollege, and you and # made loe. # !an$t een begin to e0plain to you what that was like &or me. (ell, # probably don$t hae to, now do #? # think you know. ou &elt it, too. #$m sorry things happened the way they did, Em. # was a !oward. # had made a promise to mysel& that nothing would eer happen between you and # again. (hen # started at )8, # had eery intention o& keeping that de!ision. But there you were, big as day. The apple &or my temptation. temptation. # &ought it, Em. 3eally # did. Finally # !ouldn$t !ouldn$t anymore. # wanted you so bad, and # wanted to be able to show you. *o # did. (e did. But then my heart !ouldn$t take it. Early that morning # had awoke, and had wat!hed you. (at!hed you sleep &or hours. Trying to de!ide what to do. # de!ided to do what # always do: leae. Flee. 3un. # ran &rom you, Em. -ow as
# look ba!k at it, # hae to wonder: was it the wrong thing to do? +r should it hae happened no other way? # don$t hae the answer &or that, though # wish # did. %uring my days trying to get into the real world, the world o& a!ting and liing, and # had to struggle doing meaningless 7obs waiting tables, or whateer, # would think o& you. *eeing you be&ore my mind$s eye, imagining you, got me through it, Em. (hen # wanted to take the sering tray at the restaurant # was waitressing at, and bang the !ustomer oer the head with it out o& &rustration, &rustration, # would think o& you. (onder what you were doing. (onder i& you !ould eer &orgie me, &or # was haing a hell o& a time &orgiing mysel&. #& # had to des!ribe des!ribe what what you are to me, other than my best &riend, &riend, then then #$d hae to say my &irst. 5y &irst best &riend. 5y &irst kiss. 5y &irst !rush. 5y &irst e0perien!e with se0. 5y &irst loe. ou were so many &irsts &or me, Em. Een now. 5y &irst thought$s were o& you when my do!tor told me # would be gone in si0 months. a9 *howed him. # hit si0 months last week. All 7oking aside, # know it$s !oming. And #$m ready. #$e had a &ull li&e, e0perien!ed many things. ou were a part o& many o& those things, Em. ou are a part o& me. Always hae been, always will be. # loe you, Emily. Emily.
Be well, Beth
# laid the letter down, staring a!ross the room with unseeing eyes. *lowly # remoed my glasses, setting them aside on the table. %eep inside # &elt Beth. # &elt her meaning, and # understood. This letter was not a goodbye. #t was a beginning. The beginning o& pea!e. 8nderstanding. 6oe. A slow smile spread a!ross my &a!e.
(hat are you smiling about?D # glan!ed toward 3ebe!!a$s oi!e, seeing her standing in the bathroom doorway. *he was standing in her towel, her red hair sli!ked ba!k &rom her shower, and she held something in her hands. # smiled up at her and shook my head.
-othing.D
(ell,D she said, seeming to understand that the smile upon my &a!e was the key to a se!ret that was not &or sharing.
*he looked me in the eye, making sure she had my &ull attention. *he raised the white sti!k &or me to see. #t$s blue.D blue.D she said, her oi!e so&t. # blinked, not sure # had heard her right. As those those two pre!ious words sunk in, # began to &ind that pea!e. # understood it now. 3ebe!!a walked oer to the bed, and &ell into my awaiting arms. As # held her, # reali1ed something. 6i&e was &ull o& e0perien!es. *ome good. *ome bad. But none were to eer be &orgotten. Beth was an e0perien!e e0perien!e &rom the past to get me to my &uture. &uture. *he was one o& the building blo!ks that helped me to be who # was today. For that, # would always be grate&ul.
The End