Just like the last one!
Sachin Garg
I don't think anyone has ever had as much fun as I have had writing this one. On one hand, I was writing my new book, etching one line after the other. On the other hand, I was reliving those days which seem so spectacular that they almost seem unreal. To start the thanking business, I have to start with the Grapevine India Family, especially, Durjoy Datta, Nikita Singh and Naman Kapur, the three people who have not only kept the wheels rolling but also kept me from burning out when it seemed long overdue. Kshitij Bahadur, who keeps baffling me as to what is his motivation behind his selfless hours of help. Vipin Sharma, Shubham Joshi, Sidhharth Singh, Kanika Manchanda and Vivek Kunwar, roommates par excellence, for having smelt the dirty socks and armpits. Aastha Jha, Aditya Gautam, Amit Arora, Avinash Chandran, Charanjeet Singh, Nikhil Joseph, Priyanka Aggarwal, Ridhima Khorana, Sagar Gupta, Sameer Kumar, Saurabh Vyas, Shruti Nishchal, Shweta Rabra, Siddharth Venkat, Sonam Sobti, Vedant Kanwar, Vivek Kumar to have graced the world's most happening corridor at MDI Gurgaon. Ashish Sherawat, Garima Chaudhary, Mehak Gabba, Saloni Taneja, Seep Anand, Sunny Mittal, Surbhi Chugh and Vinit Gupta for being living examples of the fact that a decade is not enough to get bored of me. PGHR 08 and the MDI community, for giving me the confidence of taking the path less trodden, day after day. My two nieces, Akshita and Rhea, Mom, Dad, Brother, Bhabhiji, Jijaji and Sister for their contribution to the events which have made everything possible.
We are all, very romantic people. We fall in love all the time. We love talking about it. We love sitting alone and thinking about it. The dictionary says Love is the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. But I really don't get the point. I mean how can there possibly be a universal definition of love? That would mean that a four year old's love is the same as an eighty year old's version of it. If you have been in love with a real girl or a guy, you would have noticed how it starts with being all lovey dovey. You like each other's smiles. You like each other's hair and you ignore each other's farts and burps and body odour. And it is okay to watch romantic comedies if she likes them. It is okay to watch action movies if he likes them. But slowly and gradually, the relationship matures to a convenience thing. You talk when it is convenient. You meet when you are in the area and it is okay that both of you are sitting online but you don't chat. And then begins the slump. Everything begins to fall out of the system. You would still like to talk to her when it is convenient for both of you but it never seems to be convenient at the same time. You would like to meet whenever it is convenient but her home is just way too far and the weather is just way too bad. Can you really define love in a sentence? So, all I want to say is that love is contextual. What you call love today might have been really stupid a few years ago. And what you would call love in a few years' time might be a heinous crime to you today. And hence, I sat down to answer this question. I thought where to start. And then, it was best to tell the story which I knew the best, about the people I know the best. The people, who are closest to me, who make me who I am. We are not perfect people. We don't get noticed when we walk in the malls. We don't win beauty pageants. We don't top any exams and we don't study in the numero uno college of the country. But then, we are not mirror cracking material either. For example, I am Samar Garg. I am a perfect blend of tall, dark and handsome. I mean I am tall, and I am handsome when it is dark. I have regular looks, regular hair, regular biceps. On the bright side, I have no scars, no eye patches and head full of hair. I don't have to wear a cap, keep a beard or wear sunglasses to hide anything.
Always, look at the brighter side, my Mom used to say. Remember the guy who crosses you every day but never registers in your head? I am that guy. Most importantly, our story is real. So, we will relive those years of our lives through you. Samar. Kanika. Niel. Radhika. Zeeshan. To be met in three parts. Different People, Different Answers. Different Days, Different Answers. Different Circumstances, Different Answers. So, let the ride begin.
ake sure you lock the door whenever you go out," Mom said. Her bags were packed. She took out a longish list of items she had to pack and carried out a check of things she had to take with her, for the seventh time. No misses, just like the last six times. Her flight still had four hours but she wanted to leave for the airport right now, just in case something went wrong. She was caution personified. And I had definitely not inherited this particular trait of her. As long as I had her smart genes, I was okay. "Okay Mom," I said, making my irritation as evident as I could. My eyes were still glued to the TV. It was MTV Roadies being aired. Normally, I hated that show from the bottom of my heart. The cheap thrills and foul language were just intolerable. But this time around, Arshi Sehgal, my best friend had somehow managed to land on the show. And her loud mouth abusing had become a rage all around. "You bloody ! I will kick you so hard, you will land at your house in Indore on your ." My mom walked into the living room and saw what I was watching. "Hey Ram! Is this how you people talk behind me? Oh God, why did I have to leave you alone in India?" She made a very worried face. "Mom! Not everyone talks like this." "Beta, I know if Arshi talks like this, you must too. And how can she be on TV in Thailand? She was here just yesterday." "They shot it last month, Mom," I said. I drove her to the airport. She was leaving for Muscat in the Middle East. That's where Dad had been working for the last six years. "And make sure you drink milk every day. I don't want to come back and find you reduced to a lump of skin." "Okay, Mom." We drove silently to the airport.
"It was good to be here for a month. I made sure I come during your vacation so that you would have time. It had been so long since we spent time like this," she said. "It was good to have you, Mom," I said. "Listen, I wanted to tell you something..." "Yes Mom?" "Just remember, if you get involved with a girl, be very careful." I was taken aback. Mom and I didn't have that sort of relationship in which we discussed girls and love. It was a first. "Sure Mom. Anything else?" "Yes beta. Just remember, no matter what, always use a condom." I coughed on hearing this. Mom had some terrible misconceptions about my life. From her point of view, I was the loveliest guy who lived alone in the city. All the girls must be throwing themselves at me. She was rubbing it in. And here I was, sitting untouched by romance. "Okay, Mom. I will, if I get a chance," I said and smiled to diffuse the tension. "When are your vacations ending?" she asked. "Classes start on Monday. But I will shift to my flat opposite to the college tomorrow itself." "I have never understood why you can't stay in the hostel like everyone else?" "It's so dirty, Mom. I just can't," I said. I didn't want to tell her about the added freedom of staying outside the college. We reached the airport and I hugged her. "Your Dad also misses you a lot, beta. But you know how it is with his work," she said. "It's okay, Mom. You don't have to..." I said. We stood there, hoping to find something to converse about. But we just couldn't. Her flight was still a few hours away. But soon, she succumbed to the awkwardness and decided to leave. "Okay, then... Bye beta. Take care. And best of luck for your second year in college." I saw her leave. And I looked all around. And I realized there was nobody I had to be careful about. I smelt freedom. Mom had left. I could do whatever I wanted. It was blissful.
om had packed my bags before leaving. All I had to do was to pick them up and move them to the flat. And yet, it turned out to be dead tiring. I settled into the flat and dozed off. And woke up early next morning. I opened my eyes just a little to look at the window. It was a good thing that my bed let me look at the window without having to move my neck. The window had soothing yellow curtains. They were a gift from Arshi. Only six months ago, I had walked into my flat, which I had rented just outside my college. The clothes were everywhere except the cupboard. The walls had no posters because I was too lazy to put some. The bed sheet was in its place, which was the only saving grace. was my friend, I could neverWe fallwere in love Even I tried hard. Pretty We hadArshi met during ourbest CAT coaching classes. bothwith. single andthough available. When I had firsthard. met her, I had turned around and thought, yes, I could fall in love with her. Smart, decent looking, likeable. She ticked all the bullet points in my checklist. I know she must've turned around and also thought, I would like to fall in love with him. And naturally, we became friends. It was as if there was a very slim threshold which we could never cross. And there was a little push, a little event which was supposed to throw us over the threshold. But the event failed to happen. So we hung out, day after day, hoping that one of these days, one of us will say, boom, we are in love. But the boom didn't seem in sight. She became for me a friend with boobs. And I became for her, a friend with a sense of humour. I was still in bed when my phone rang. It was her. I knew one of the reasons why I just couldn't fall in love with her, was that she always called at the wrong time. Evokes negative emotions for her. Who calls friends at 7 a.m.? It's like the middle of the night! "Hey Samar! What's up?" she asked. "Sleeping...' I mumbled. "I needed a favour. Can you drive me to the airport this afternoon?"
Why would I do that? "I am busy today Arshi," I said. "C'mon! My friend Kanika is coming from Mumbai. And she is joining your college. So I thought we would show her around. What say?" "Okay. Whatever. What time?" "2 o'clock." "Blah." "I will come to your flat to move you." She hung up and I went back to sleep. It was late July, so it was still summer vacation for me. I had ust finished my first year and was going to move to second year. Nothing to do all day. Life was blissful. A few hours later, a meteorite hit my bum. "Wake up, you fucking bastard. We have to go to the airport," Arshi said, as she kicked me on my rear. I kept on sleeping. My brain was racing for a good reason to avoid driving her. "I tore my shoes. I can't come," I blabbered. "You have slippers too, Samar. So shut the fuck up." "Well, err, my fish is unwell. I can't leave it alone." "What? Do you even have fish? Stop making random excuses and get up." So a day which should have been a lazy weekday sleep-in had turned into an unpleasant drive around the city. Sweet. I woke up and looked at her. Arshi was a no-nonsense, flamboyant girl. You couldn't get away with any bullshit with her. At 5'4", she had a lean body and fair skin and entered most bunch of boys without having the guys to adjust a lot. None of us was surprised when she made to Roadies. She had always been that kind of a person. She was wearing a pair of jeans with a T-shirt. As usual, her clothes were unisexual. The kind of clothes which even I could wear if made in my size and fitting. At my slow pace, I took a shower and got into my jeans in a record thirty minutes. Arshi had been killing time on my laptop all this while.
"We are good to go now," I said. "Just a sec. Let me use the washroom," Arshi said. To kill time, I picked my laptop to log onto Facebook. It's not like I had anything important to see there. I logged in purely out of habit. I visited Arshi's page. A girl called Kanika had left her a wall post. Can't wait to see you sweetheart. xoxo It struck me that it was Kanika, her friend who was joining my college. I clicked on her picture. From the little that was visible of the picture, it seemed she could have been good looking. It was black and white, in which she was looking sideways. Her straight hair came covered her face in parts. Was she hiding the whole of her face because she had something to hide? Or was it because she wanted to avoid Friend Requests from random guys? I tried to picture her in my college and it seemed weird. Pleasant, kind eyes. Pretty-ish face. Nice straight hair. There almost seemed to be a catch. I tried to see more of her pictures but I couldn't, because I was not in her Friend List. Suddenly my day turned. I was now looking forward to seeing her. And to find out if she was the girl in her own Display Picture, or if it was some celebrity. It could have also easily been some heavy photo editing. It is difficult to judge people based on just one picture. And that too a picture on which they have put so much effort. "Always judge a girl by the ugliest pic in the album," my roommate, Roy used to say. So I left with Arshi to pick Kanika. We reached the Ring Road and crossed Punjabi Bagh. And then we reached Rajouri Garden. The moment we climbed down the second fly over of Rajouri Garden we knew we were doomed. There was a huge traffic jam in the area. As soon as I saw it, I knew I could get stuck there for quite a while. I stopped the car at the end of the traffic and decided to get out and check the cause of the jam. "What the fuck is wrong with this road?" Arshi shot. She didn't like completing sentences without even a single abuse.
"How am I supposed to know?" I said. I walked where the jam began. I saw a group of thirty odd guys blocking the road. The guys must be around my age and looked pretty angry. They were shouting certain slogans which suggested they had blocked the road for a reason. They seemed like boys from a college. I wondered which college existed here, in the middle of North Campus and South Campus of Delhi. I went closer to hear what was happening. I cornered one of the thirty guys to ask what was happening. "These DTC people don't treat us like Delhi University students. We want better bus services and that's why we have blocked the road. We will fuck those bastards today. They deserve it," he said. On some other day, I might have joined them in their cause. But right now, I was too busy concentrating on Kanika. I ran back to my car so that I could reverse it and reach the airport from some other route. But by the time I reached my car, there were tens of vehicles behind it. There was no way I could have backed out of the jam now. I was struck. I could neither go forward nor backwards. "Kanika would be leaving the airport in thirty minutes," Arshi said to nobody. We waited helplessly in the car for the traffic to move. But nothing happened, except more and more cars kept adding themselves behind the jam. "There is a terrible jam in Rajouri Garden," we heard the RJ on the radio speak. "But don't worry, the police has left the station and would be there to clear everything in just a few minutes," he said. That was a relief. At least there was something being done about it. Around twenty minutes later, the cops appeared. I hoped they would have a quick solution for this. The cops stood at the side of the road to assess the situation for a minute or so. They seemed to be making their own strategy. And then one of the cops stuck his stick on the ground and charged towards the boys shouting "teri maa ki #### etc.". In the next thirty seconds, there was no sign of any of those thirty boys on the road. They had diffused like flies on a cake. The policeman's aggression had scared the shit out of them. Arshi and I could not stop laughing. I knew that moment that we would be remembering this scene and laughing about it for months to follow. The road was now clear for the traffic to move. I checked my watch and there were still five minutes before Kanika would walk out of the airport. That was if the flight was on time. We were at Dhaula Kuan, when my phone rang. It was some unknown number. Must be some telemarketer, selling something random, I thought.
"Hey, is that Samar?" said an extremely sweet female voice from the other side of the phone. "Yes. Who's this?" "Hey, this is Kanika, Arshi's friend. I couldn't reach her phone so I called you. Is she with you?" she said, in extremely clear, polished English. "Sure. One sec." I handed over the phone to Arshi, as I thought about her voice. It was as if someone had taken a regular female voice and taken a glass full of sugar syrup and mixed the two. I mentally tried to put together the visual I had from Kanika's Facebook picture with her voice. It was too good to be true. Somebody with that perfect a face, this perfect a voice... It doesn't get any more unreal. If I had been anxious to see her till now, now I was even more so. "Hey Kanika! Welcome to Delhi," Arshi said. I was hearing only her side of the conversation. "You met someone on the flight? What's his name?" "Niel? Not bad at all. So do we get to meet him when we come to pick you?" "Well, I am really sorry Kanika, but we might take another half an hour to reach." "Of course, you should go with him. It's okay yaar. Yes, yes, please go ahead. I don't mind. If the guy is as hot as you say he is, then I don't mind at all." "Oh, great! Can't wait to hear how it went," Arshi said and hung up. And then she looked at me. "Samar, Kanika is sharing a cab with someone. Now, we can go wherever you want," she said. "Okay," I said. "And I will tell her to meet you when the college starts. Maybe she can use some of your old books." I was angry but I didn't really know what to do about it. From being absolutely repulsive to the idea of picking her, I had grown positively nervous about it. And now, it was all down the drain. Now, I would have to meet her when the classes start. And I will never be anything other than a random senior from whom she borrowed some books. Curses to those guys, who blocked the road.
I started driving Arshi to her place. Being ditched by Kanika didn't seem to dampen her spirits. She
was humming the songs with the radio and shouting at every car which crossed our path and drove rashly. Probably, this was why I couldn't fall in love with her. Because she was too much fun to be with. "So, Kanika is from Mumbai?" I started a conversation. "Yup. Even though her family is from Delhi," Arshi said. And then she told me all about Kanika. Kanikas parents were separated. And her mother had had a transferable job. Presently, her mom was based in Delhi. So when Kanika finished her schooling, her Mom talked her into joining a college here at Delhi. But she wanted her to stay in the college hostel because she believed it was important exposure that every kid should have. "Kanika is an absolute Mumbai-kar," Arshi said. "Meaning?" "I mean we would have to teach her the ways of Delhi. That she can't just take a cab and go out at night. She needs to be careful who she goes out with. Stuff like that." "Oh." "And I can't wait to see how this Niel guy is, who she is sharing a cab with..." Curses to those guys, who blocked the road.
dropped Arshi at her place. And only one thing was racing in my head. Kanika. It was as if she was a mystery which was unfolding itself in layers. The half visual, the melodious sound. What was next? But I really couldn't have done anything. Arshi hadn't really given up trying to fall in love with me. And she believed neither had I. Even though I had Kanika's number from the call that she had made, there was no way I could do anything about it. All I could have done was wait for the college to open, bump into her and be amazed that we had a common friend. With all this going on, I headed into my nineteenth birthday. It somehow made it all the more depressing. It was the eve of my birthday, and I had nothing major to do. So I was just lying in bed, in my flat. My phone started vibrating. It was 10PM, so it was a little early for birthday calls. It was Arshi. "Hey, birthday boy! What are the plans?" "The plan is to sleep in my room," I said. "Shut the fuck up, Samar and tell me where are you taking me for your birthday party?" "I am nineteen, for God sake! I find the concept of birthday parties too childish. Grow up, Arshi." "Okay, okay. As you wish. I was just talking to Kanika and she was telling me she is getting really bored in the hostel because not many people have come till now. We would have called her also. But fuck you, Samar Garg!" Arshi said and banged the phone. She gave me no chance to correct my mistake. Kanika was getting bored in the hostel and I was staring at her phone number in my phone. Just then my phone beeped again. I had received a message. Hey, I am sorry for today. It was Kanika. As if God was playing a noble joke. It was as if, because of my staring, the phone had been hypnotized into vibrating. And now, I had the pressure of sending a smart reply. It is okay. A pretty girl ditched me to go with some other guy. The regular.
,) I was nervous for her reply. I have been told it is your birthday tomorrow. What plans? What plans? I wanted to tell her the ideal plan would be to take her out. But she was Arshi's friend. How would Arshi take it? Forget Arshi, how will Kanika take it? But I didn't want to be just a random senior who lent her some books. Didn't anyone tell you I was taking you out on my birthday? I replied. It was a high risk-high gain kind of a message. If it worked, there was no looking back. If it didn't, I might not even be the senior who gave her some books. I would be the creepy senior who was too straightforward. Nope, nobody told me that. But if someone had, I would have thanked him. These hostel walls are staring way too blankly at me! She replied. Oh. My. God. It had worked. She had just told me, I would be taking her out in a few minutes. It was going to be the best nineteenth birthday ever. Fuck. To be honest, even I was surprised when she said yes. I hadn't expected it. I had expected a polite refusal or a reason which I would hardly be able to argue. She had just said yes to going out with someone who she didn't know anything about and that too at eleven in the night. And then I thought of what Arshi had said. Kanika was from Mumbai and the rules were different there. Eleven o'clock to Mumbai is more like seven o'clock for Delhi. Pick you in half an hour! I replied. But how will I come out of the hostel at this hour? She replied. There is a small gate at the back of your hostel. If you screw your face and tell the guard that there is a problem at home and you really have to go, he will let you. See you there. I replied and smiled to myself. I was ecstatic. But are you sure? I have heard Delhi is not like Mumbai and girls should not go out late at night? I had been waiting for this. It was expected. You are with me. Relax. See you. So this was happening. The visual and the audio that I had had were finally going to combine
themselves. I put each and every strand of my hair exactly where I wanted it to. I ironed my ironed shirt. I cleansed, toned and moisturized my face. I put on just the right amount of perfume. And voila, I was ready to go out with her. I drove the car to the backdoor I had explained to her and waited for her to appear. It was kind of dark in the area. So I parked the car and stood just outside the door. It opened some five minutes later. It was so dark that I could hardly see her. I stepped closer to where she should have been. I could hardly see a thing. And then a smell hit my nostrils. It was a classy perfume. I extended my arm to shake her hand. She touched it. Her skin was silk. So this was it. We were still in dark. The visual, the sound, the smell, the touch - I had experienced it all. But only one at a time. And the more I thought of it, the deeper in awe I fell of her. Now all that was remaining was the combination of the four. When I would actually get to see her. And then as she stepped, the street light lit her up and it happened. I saw her and I smelt her. And when she said `Hi', I heard her too. She was real. She lived up to everything I had built in my head. I wasn't let down, and that is saying a lot. She was a good 5'6" tall, with a body which would make eye balls follow her, of men and women alike. She was wearing a pleasant yellow top and skin fit blue eans. She wasn't trying to be flashy and yet, if your eyes crossed her, they weren't coming off her. If the display picture had been beautiful, she was gorgeous. Suddenly, I felt a hint of nervousness. I opened the car door for her. And I realized it was a first for me. I blushed silently as I walked around the car to the driver's seat. Another first. This was it. This was unprecedented. I sat in the car and tried to assimilate what had just happened. "And by the way, Happy Birthday Samar," she said, as I settled in the car. "Thanks." "So where are you taking me for your birthday bash?" Kanika asked. "Urban Pind, M Block Market, Greater Kailash." "Oh great." I knew, a lot of people were going to think that I was her driver today. Kanika came and sat beside me. I wanted to compliment her. I wanted to tell her she didn't belong here. She was more like the girls you see in the newspapers enjoying Page 3 parties. But I couldn't bring myself up to saying something like that.
We drove to Urban Pind. We settled on the couch. There were a lot of people dancing but it was not a dancing evening. It was more of a table chair evening. At least until the second drink. And hence began the difficult part. The conversation. "So how do you like Delhi?" I started. "It's good. I am just trying hard to settle down." "Let me know if I can help in anyway," I offered. "Yeah, sure. Any tips you would want to give me?" she asked. I thought about it. There was only one thing I could point out. "Well, first of all, when a guy you have never met you asks you at 11 in the night to come out with him, never say yes." She laughed. It was a beautiful laugh. The kind of laugh you click pictures of and make desktop wallpaper. Her hand touched my arm. Never before had a girl's touch registered in my head in that way. "So you asked me to do the wrong thing and now you are telling me that I shouldn't have," she said, still laughing. "Yes, now that I am out of the category of guys you have never met, I safely can." "Okay," she said, still laughing. "Anything else?" Yes. "What?" "When a tall, dark and short haired guy asks you `will you dance with me', say yes." She didn't reply. She kept laughing. "So?" "So?" "Kanika, will you dance with me?" She nodded as she said yes. I was never much of a dancer. But I knew my limits. Just stay in your zone and sway just a little. That was my game. I never impressed anyone. But I never embarrassed myself either.
But I loved the feeling. A half-drunk dance floor. Good music. Kanika, looking ravishing. And the two of us, swaying together. Under the loud music, she told me to bring my ear close to her. "You are a neat dancer," she shouted. That's my point. If your parents didn't take the pains of sending you to dance school since you were four, `neat' is the adjective you should be aiming for. So I smiled and upped the ante on my dance. Which I later regretted. Once the alcohol in our blood became too less for us to have carried on, we decided to take a break. We went back to our table and looked at each other. "I am actually having fun," she said. "Useful tips, good dance and good alcohol. What else can a woman want?" She laughed again. Either she laughed a lot. Or I was funnier than the usual today. Or we were just having a good time. "Any more tips?" she said, still laughing. I thought hard about it. I didn't want to say no. I was on a roll tonight. I wanted to make the most of it. "Yes, in Delhi, never go alone to club. You will be swarmed by guys." "And what if I want to be swarmed by guys?" "Then I am sure you want to be swarmed by those guys who will swarm around you," I said. Kanika smiled. "And anyways," I continued. "Even if a decent guy did decide to approach you, I don't think there is an impressive way to approach a girl in a night club in Delhi." "Are you kidding me? In Mumbai, many guys are pretty good at it. In fact, I think you would be pretty good at it too. Just that you don't know it," Kanika said. I had a feeling she was setting me up for a challenge. "I know what I can do and talking to a lonely girl in a night club is definitely not one of them." "Let's do it, then."
"Do what?" "I want to see how good or bad you are at it." "Shut up Kanika," I said, as I saw her get up and leave. She went and sat three tables away, as if I had never been there talking to her. She was acting like a stranger. So this was the girl. I loved what I had seen till now. As I was fervently thinking of a pickup line for her, a tall, bald guy was also looking at her. As I was raking my brain to come up with a suitable pickup line, the baldy went up to her and used his pick up line first. Kanika was taken aback. It was scary enough for a girl to be approached in a Delhi night club. The bald guy's monstrous physique did not help his cause either. He almost looked like a WWE star. I rushed up to him to explain everything. "You seem so much like my next girlfriend," I heard the bald guy say to Kanika, as I approached the two of them. "Hey she is with me," I said to the baldy. The baldy looked at me and then looked at Kanika clearly thinking exactly what I had feared all evening that the people might think. I looked like her driver. "She doesn't look like she is with you," he said and laughed aloud. "Hey, will you please leave us alone? I really don't want to argue with you," I said. The bald guy looked angry now. "If you don't disappear in the next fifteen seconds, I will make sure you wish you had disappeared every time you would see the mirror for the rest of your life," he said. "Hey-" I said. But I was cut mid-sentence. Before I realized what had happened, I saw the world was rotating around me. He had landed a big hard blow on my right cheek. It was the first real punch of my life. What I had feared had happened. There was no point punching him back. If I punch him there, I would end up getting a flurry of punches on myself. I might gain a momentary victory but would eventually lose the game. I decided to walk away as Kanika looked at me horrified. But I smiled back and winked her, assuring her that I had a plan.
She told the bald guy that she was with me, but he just wasn't bothered. He was blind to the fact that Kanika was just not interested in him. I went up to the Manager of the club and explained to him that the bald guy was bothering my friend. He listened to me patiently. Such situations must not have been all that rare for him. He must be handling guys like the bald guy every day, I was sure. The mark on my right cheek must have only made my case stronger. The baldy was still trying his best to strike a sweet conversation with Kanika while the Manager sent a Bouncer with me to handle the situation. The Bouncer went up to him and landed a neater punch on his left cheek than he had given me. You should have heard the thud. It was a great cleansing feeling to see the baldy get the punch. We were even now. The baldy and my guy got into an argument but it was clearly their fight now. Kanika managed to sneak out as the two of them shouted at each other, narrating what they were capable of, in between Hindi expletives. We made an early exit from the night club. As I was exiting, I turned around to check the scene one last time. The fight had grown and at least ten other men had joined them. I knew in a few minutes, it was going to graduate to a full blow fight. Once in the safety of the car, we took a breath of relief. Kanika and I closed the door of the car behind us and then looked at each other. There was a moment of silence as we caught our breath. And then, we broke into peals of laughter. We laughed and laughed and once the laughter settled down, we looked at each other again and we laughed again. And it happened again and again. That was the moment Kanika and I became friends. It was as if all our initial awkwardness had melted away in that moment. We were going to be in the same college and it was obvious that we were going to spend a lot of time together in the coming months. The laughter was followed by silence. We were in the Greater Kailashs parking. The market was a big and busy one during the day. But in the night, the night club was one of the very few places open. That meant two things. A) The market had to have a huge parking. B) The parking was deserted in the evening. Kanika looked at me in silence. We were smiling, and we were panting from the run to the parking lot. I was sure that the silence and the look meant something. I just didn't know what. I wanted to start a conversation about it. Or at least probe to ask if her heart was racing too. It was the perfect setting. At that very moment, I heard the sound of a wooden stick hitting the road. Both of us turned our necks to see who it was. It was a policeman with a stick in his hand. The man alongside the policeman seemed familiar. He
was our waiter. And then it struck us. Not only had we instigated a great fight, we had also not paid the bill! They were coming for us. But I knew a pot bellied policeman and a waiter could never catch my driving. We were out of there before they could figure what was happening. As we reached a vacant road, my thoughts went to that moment of silence in the car. Was it just my head or did we really have a moment? Surely, it was way too early to be feeling that way. It was just my head messing with me. As I drove the car in silence, I looked at Kanika and she returned an innocent smile. I looked at her and I thought I liked the way this was shaping.
t nineteen, it is unusual to have never been in love. I mean, I have had a few crushes here and there and a few flings but never had anything which came remotely close to love. I had had high hopes when I had first met Arshi. I had thought this could be it, but it wasn't to be. I knew this love shit is a little hard to crack. But I have always been a man's man. Give me a group of boys and I can entertain them for hours. And add a girl to the same gang and my rhythm goes out of the window. But that's the whole point. We are not here to talk about where I was at ease. We are here to talk about what gave me a hard time. Romance. That day, I was driving to the local market. That was when my biggest fear came true. I was in Pitam Pura when I was pulled over by some policemen. The most frustrating start of the day there could ever be. I parked the car to the side and the policeman told me I did not have the seatbelt on. I knew that it was a two hundred bucks' fine for the seat belt. It was purely depressing. I tried to reason with him but he wasn't even listening to me. As I spoke, he just went and stopped a biker. The biker was not wearing a helmet and was smoking a cigarette as he rode his bike. It's quite easy to smoke while one is driving a car but smoking alongside riding a bike is a complex task. I looked at the biker. He looked like he hadn't had a haircut for a year and hadn't shaved for months. He was wearing a loose shirt which hung over his body. He was a very slim, unkempt guy, in oversized clothes. With an expression as if he was really disgusted with whatever was happening. He came and stood beside me, as the policeman went to catch more preys. I saw him take out his wallet and take out all his cash. Standing there on the road, he shoved the money in his underwear. I am not kidding. I saw him do it in front of my own eyes. He saw me looking at him amazed. He understood what I was looking at and that I was surprised. "You should do it too. Trust me. Do it or you will regret it. Quickly," he said. I did not know what he meant but still decided to comply. I took out my wallet and standing there on the road, I put all my money inside. It was gross. I was hoping it better had a good reason. The policeman approached the guy with long hair standing beside me.
"Take out your wallet," he said to him. "Here, sir. I have no money, sir," the guy replied to the policeman in the most innocent voice ever. "Show me your pockets. I know you are hiding money in your pockets. Show me your pockets." The guy pulled out his pocket but there was no money there. The guy had just saved all his money by transferring his money inside. The policeman carried out the same drill with me. Again, he found no money. The gross act had just saved me a thousand rupees. As the policeman turned his attention away from us, I went up to the unkempt guy to thank him. I stretched my hand to shake his hand. When my hand touched his, the same thought crossed our minds - we hadn't washed our hands after all that underwear touching. Both of us laughed. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it," I said. "It's okay. These idiots will never be able to take any money from me," he said, pointing to the policeman, as I thought what to say next. "Hi, I am Samar." "Zeeshan. See you around," he said and started to leave. As I sat in my car, I saw him pick up a guitar bag which was till now leaning against his bike. I noticed that he hadn't flashed even a hint of a smile since I had seen him. The guitar made him doubly intriguing. Until now, I had not pictured him as a guy who would own a guitar. He was kicking the bike to start but it wasn't working. "Is there a problem?" I asked him. "Yeah. I think I have run out of petrol." "I could give you a ride till the petrol pump." "Oh, that will be great. Thank you," he said and entered the car. I made a mental note - clean the seats when he leaves. "So you play the guitar?" I asked to strike a conversation. "Yeah. That is all I do these days. I play the guitar." "How did you learn?"
"YouTube man! What else?" he said. I drove him to the petrol pump and back to the place where his bike was parked. As he was getting off, I asked him "Would you send me the links on tutorials for guitar? He thought about it for a minute. He was silent for a painfully long period. "I have all the videos on my pen drive at my place. You can have that." "That would be awesome. Can I take it now?" "`Okay then. Just follow me." Zeeshan was quite helpful. We motioned through the roads of Rohini and the lanes kept getting smaller. And then we reached a stage where the car could not go any further. Finally, we reached his house. The house was as pitiable as he himself was. Zeeshan's untidiness reflected in his house as well. He took me to a room where five different guitars were lying. He looked all around for the pen drive but I could see he was struggling because of the clutter in the place. I didn't have any high expectations from his sleepy eyed search anyway. He looked as if he had just woken up from deep slumber within last 30 seconds. I had a feeling he always looked like that. "Seems like I can't find the pen drive," he said scratching his head. He looked a little lost, as to what to do next. And then, still scratching his head, he said "Okay, fuck it then, I will teach you the basics and mail you the links." He picked one of guitars and handed it over to me. I dusted my seat and sat down. We were now all set for my first ever guitar class. I embraced myself for listening to what he played. He touched the first string and there was no looking back. He forgot that I was sitting there and played a tune which I had never heard before. It had to be his own composition. This guy was a phenomenal talent. I knew he would be a rage, whichever stage he would step on. He was a genius. His fingers moved faster than I had ever imagined. He was a God on the guitar. I was lost in dreams of being able to play that well. I knew I had a long road ahead of me. I would have to work really hard for several years to be able to pull off anything like that. Just then, his phone started ringing to disturb the flow. Zeeshan walked out to take the call to return five minutes later. "Just dump the fucking guy and get your head in place," Zeeshan said on the phone as he hung up.
He looked at me and he realized I was bemused. "Well," he said, looking embarrassed, "all my friends call me up for love advice. I don't know why, but I am pretty much the agony aunt for people around me," he said. "Great, so now I know where to go when I need an agony aunt." "Sure. But it's not like I have had a great love life myself," he said and smiled. Was that the reason behind his broken living? "But I think it must be fun living here all alone. I would love to live a life like that," I said. "There is nothing glamorous about this. I am doing this out of sheer laziness." "Laziness? What do you mean?" I asked. "I live here because I am too lazy for a normal office life. Trust me, you don't want to do this." He was a man of regrets. I was really intrigued by this guy now. "Then why are you doing this, Zeeshan?" I had a feeling there was more to the story than I knew already. He had quit everything to come and stay in a decrepitude house for a reason much stronger. I wanted to know everything about him. "Let's keep that for later, fucker. Right now, this is how we hold a guitar," he said as I saw him. He had a very distinct jaw line, as if it was a sharp wedge. His slim and lanky body added to his unkempt looks. He was wheat-ish and had deep, droopy eyes. Clearly, if you dry cleaned him, you would get a very presentable lad. It was very obvious that there was a deep story behind the locks of his hair. From the way he spoke, he belonged to some shiny corridors, not this dingy house. And yet, it can't get any dingier. As I sat there, thinking the circumstance that might have led him to this scene, he began my first of the many guitar classes.
he first day of the second year finally came. I reached the college with Roy, my roommate. Roy was from Raipur. He was famous for his extremely loud and horrendous dressing sense. Roy received a call and on hanging up, told me that there was some unpleasant ragging going on at the JCB Hostel. We ran towards the hostel and entered the room we had been told about. I entered the room and saw a Fresher crying his eyes out as Ashish Meena, a senior tortured him. A fierce argument followed but I managed to get the Fresher free from Ashish. "Thanks, sir," the Fresher said to me, as we came out of the hostel. "Here is my number, in case anyone else bothers you again," I said to him. Just then my phone vibrated. It was Arshi. "Emergency!!! Matter of life and death!!! I'm at your flat!!! Come quick!!!" Arshi lived with her parents, pretty close to my flat. So whenever she had more time than she could kill, she would drop by. She was doing her English Hons from Hindu College and seemed to have too much free time for my liking. But this was too obviously a trap. There was no way I was falling for it. Ten minutes later, she called up. "Where on earth are you?" she bellowed. "In the campus." "Why? Come to your flat! You can't be attending classes on the first day of the year itself," Arshi said. I compared that to what my mother would have said. You ought to attend every class on the first day of the year. I didn't have any serious attachment to my classmates. And once the formalities were done, the flat seemed a good option. But the only catch was that I had gone out with Kanika on my birthday while I had turned her down. Knowing Arshi, she wouldn't take it well. I reached the flat and Arshi welcomed me with a smile. I knew that very moment that Kanika had
not told her that we had gone out. Sharp girl. "What's up?" I asked. "Nothing. Was just getting bored. So I called you and Kanika to the flat." "Kanika is coming too?" I asked and looked into the mirror and fixed my hair just a little. It remained unchanged. "She needed some advice. So I called her here. And I thought you should meet her. In case she needs some old books, she can take them from you." It didn't hurt this time. I knew I was going to be more than just that senior who lent her some books. "Oh. How is she? How does she like Delhi?" I asked. "She is great, Samar. You will love her." I think I already did. "Oh yeah?" "Yup. Just remember, on the outside, she is very bubbly and chats with everyone. Everybody just loves her the moment they see her. But on the inside, she is very different." "What do you mean?" "Well, Kanika has had a very different childhood. Her father and mother got separated when she was ust twelve. And she took it very badly. She developed asthma around the same time. And she even tried to slit her wrist. It was a really bad phase. But then she recovered pretty well." "So is she completely okay now?" "Well, everyone thinks she is better than okay but I am her best friend. I know things will never be completely okay." "Hmm." I thought of the girl I had seen and tried to put this information with what I had seen of her. And I was truly intrigued. To me, she had seemed to be someone who hadn't had anything other than perfect all her life. "But it has had its effects on her. Like, she says she can't fall in love with a guy because she just can't trust anyone. I don't really blame her. She has gone through a lot as a kid." "Hmm." Bad news. "But I can't wait to see her today. She is going to tell me about this guy she went out with." What? Was she talking about me? Or worse, was she talking about someone else?
"Which guy?" I asked, just to be sure. "This guy, Niel" Arshi said. So she hadn't been talking about me. And Kanika had gone out with Niel once again. Heart break. "Niel?" "Yeah, I have met him too. He seems impressive. She met him on the flight to Delhi and they have been out once." I was doomed. It was almost half an end of the story. I had been on a high from the moment I had seen her Facebook Picture. Suddenly, everything disappeared in thin air. And now my only hope was this guy was not too impressive. Which seemed unlikely from what Arshi was saying. "Was he that good?" I asked. "Yup. He was handsome and he was polished. He was even funny in parts." Oops. "Yeah. And he is quite a corporate stud. You should hear him speak. He is smooth. It is like he has rehearsed every sentence ten times before speaking." "Okay, okay. Enough now!" I stopped her. It was a knife through my heart. Just because he was handsome, polished, educated and funny doesn't mean I don't stand a chance. Right? Kanika came a few minutes later. She wasn't all prim and proper like the last time. She was carrying a biggish bag with her which must have been heavy because she was sweating a little. The sight of the sweat seemed pleasant. It made her seem real, human. She had been way too perfect till now. And now that she was even more unattainable, my heart beat even faster on seeing her. She was dressed casually. My attraction was justified. "Hi Kanika," Arshi said, "This is Samar. Samar, Kanika." Kanika and I acted as if we were meeting for the first time. We liked the cuteness of our lie. Kanika kept her bag on the table and opened it. The moment I saw what was in it, my brain processed everything. It was a bag full of dresses. I wanted to run away from that room that very moment. "Great that both of you are here. I really could use some opinion on what to wear for my next date with Nieloy," Kanika said.
"What is there to tell? I think a dress should be as hot as the girl inside it," I said. I was just making an excuse to get going. Suddenly my own room was a hard place to stay. "Naah, naah. I think Niel is more like: the shorter the dress, the hotter it is," Arshi winked. I didn't like the way this was shaping. I was beginning to like Kanika. I wanted to be hopeful for a future. And this guy seemed to be breaking it with a hammer. The two of them kept discussing each and every dress in great detail. Several words were added to my dictionary that day. "Look at you being so choosy about your dress," Arshi said, smiling at Kanika. "I know in some days we would be seeing the two of you together in your Facebook profile picture." I knew what Arshi meant by that. Being seen together in the display picture was the equivalent of being madly in love. "Shut up, Arshi. I hardly know this guy." "But I can see it, the two of you seem so deeply in love. What is it if it's not love? What do you think is love?" Arshi said. Ouch. "I just think loving someone is just truly believing that he is a good guy... even after knowing him inside out." That is all Kanika said. Apparently, Kanika was quite a romantic too. I didn't know how to react to that. I didn't want to be the creepy guy who smiles at her too much. But I felt too attracted for it to not show on my face. So I decided to look at Arshi to not make it too obvious to her. Arshi, was also smiling, having just heard what Kanika had said. "Stop smiling, the two of you. Why don't you just accept it?" Kanika shouted. "Accept what?" "That the two of you are in love with each other," Kanika said, as if almost getting back at Arshi for what she had just said. What! I was not in love with Arshi. And as far as I knew, neither was she. I looked at her to check her reaction to what Kanika had said and my worst fear had come true. Kanika had pushed Arshi over the threshold by saying that. That was the exact moment when Arshi fell in love with me. Kanika's approval had done the trick. In that one microsecond everything changed. I didn't even realize it immediately. But when I did, I didn't like it. Kanika's words were followed by an awkward silence. Arshi was trying hard to conceal her exaggerated smile. Kanika's thoughts had raced back to her clothes. And I was thinking of the repercussions, now that Arshi had crossed the threshold.
I thought how my life had completely changed in last three minutes. On one side, Kanika was trying to convince me that I was in love with Arshi, a clear indication that she wasn't interested in me until now. On the other hand, she was drooling over some other guy. If my life was a movie, this scene would have highly dramatic background music to be immediately followed by Intermission. In real life, however, it was just another minute in thousands of minutes that I was living. No background music. As I stood there, I saw Kanika turn around and look at my bed. There were clothes spread all around. And then staring blankly at the yellow curtains in my room, she said what I had feared she would eventually say. "I don't have any clothes to wear."
rshi had been too much of a guy to know most things girls are born with. Until when we used to hang out together all day, curse everyone at every chance, she was very much within her comfort zone. But now that things had changed, she seemed completely disconcerted. She seemed out of her comfort zone. As the three of us sat in my room, Kanika got up to leave. "I'll see you guys later. I have to go to the market," she said. "For what?" "I need to get a pair of jeans altered." If Kanika would leave, that would leave Arshi and me alone. I didn't feel too good about that idea. "It's really hot outside, Kanika. Let me drop you to the market," I offered. "No, no. I don't want to bother you Samar," she replied. "It's okay. I am good at taking measurements also," I said and smiled. "Okay... if you insist," she conceded. "Great, I will come along too," Arshi added. So the three of us were headed to the market. I wasn't too comfortable entering the boutique where Kanika was going. "I would wait outside while you get your stuff done," I said. Arshi said she will give me company. To make the matters worse, Kanika gave us a naughty smile as she left. Ouch. So this was going to be it. My first one-on-one conversation with Arshi after she had finally fallen in love with me, as I would imagine the tailor sticking the measuring tape all over Kanika's body. "So what's up?" I asked her. "Nothing at all. You tell me," she said. I knew that very moment that I was screwed. Even though it was a simple short sentence, it said so much more.
Firstly, she was smiling as she said. And it was a school girl smile to a guy she really liked. Secondly, there were no abuses in the sentences. Things were changing. The next thing you know, she would call me baby or something. Thirdly, I missed the old Arshi, who wasn't boring at all. "Nothing this side either," I said. And that was it. We were taking a walk on that road and we had completely run out of conversation within ninety seconds of our meeting. Suddenly, there was just nothing common between the two of us. As Arshi had crossed one threshold, I had crossed another. I had now become sure that Arshi and I were not meant to be together. Arshi was smiling as we walked, trying to pretend as if the silent walk was the most pleasant experience of her life. But there was no fooling that it wasn't. In fact, I almost yawned five minutes into it. I was getting bored. I just waited for Kanika to finish her thing and come out. Eventually, she did come out. I had successfully managed to not yawn. Arshi had a broad smile on her face. I decided I was going to tell her it was not heading anywhere immediately. It wasn't meant to be and the sooner I make it clear the better. As Kanika saw me, she gave me a broad smile. Her smile made my heart sink. She was expecting that the walk outside must have gone fabulous. But I realized she was happy because of some other reason. "What?" I enquired. "I found the perfect dress I want to wear!" she exclaimed. "Oh really? What is it?" Arshi asked. "Wait and watch honey. It's going to need some effort but I am sure it's going be worth it. Niel is going to be swept off his feet," she said and smiled broader than she ever had. The mention of Niel's name made me feel something in my back. I wanted to punch the wall or something to vent out my jealousy. "How was the walk with her?" Kanika asked me, still smiling on having found the perfect dress for meeting Niel. "It was fabulous," I heard myself say out of jealousy.
Three days later, it was time for Kanika to go for the date with Niel. I acted as if I had completely forgotten about it. There was no mention of the date. In fact, Kanika had become increasingly invisible. I was still on my bed when I heard the door creak. We never bothered to lock our doors. It was Kanika. It was the first time she had just dropped by at my place, without informing. Our comfort levels were rising and had there been no Niel in the picture, I would have liked the way it was shaping. If only my car had not gotten stuck in the jam that day... She was all dressed up in yellow. It must have been eightish in the evening. It was an odd hour to be sleeping, even for me. I looked at her and I was shaken out of sleep. It seemed she was back after meeting someone special. Her yellow dress was the shade of a bright and sunny day, ending right above her mid thighs with a halter neck, accentuating her neckline. Her straight hair falling onto her shoulders. She was holding her shoes in her hands because the heels must be giving her a tough time. She looked stunning. "You look amazing," I said. "Thanks. Thought I would come and say Hi," she smiled. "So this is what you finally decided to wear for the date," I said. "The yellow colour is really blooming your complexion. But why does the cloth look so familiar, as if I have seen it recently?" Kanika gave me a conspirational smile. There was a story behind it which I didn't know. "Oh my God," I shouted. "It is the curtain in my room! You made a dress out of it!" Kanika laughed outshe loud, understand how good was.confirming my doubt. She truly was a genius. You had to see the dress to "I had been wondering where they had gone!" "The day I had seen them, I knew I loved the cloth," she said, smiling to herself. I could make out she was recalling all the compliments Niel must have showered on her. "You also look dazed and happy," I told her. "It was a good date, Samar. Niel is such a gentleman." "Oh, yeah? What did he do?" I asked, trying not to make a face. Even though I had asked Kanika about Niel, inside I was praying to not know any more about him. "Not that he did anything. I mean the little things, the details and his demeanour. He is so polished
and well behaved. He is just so sharp. Plus that body. He is just so... sexy," Kanika said, now completely dazed. "Oh. That good, eh?" "Even better. I am more attracted than I ever thought I would be. Just when I thought I was done with all this in my life," Kanika said. Kanika chose her words carefully. Somebody else might have used the word love. But she said she was attracted which precisely meant that she was attracted. "Great. So? What is next then?" I asked, trying my best to conceal my heart break. "Seeing him again tomorrow." I was going mad. I wanted Kanika and a smooth talker was taking her away from me. Could things get any more depressing? "But I was not visiting you to chit chat," Kanika interrupted my train of thoughts. "Listen, Arshi has been trying your number but it is switched off since the afternoon. She was asking if you would be interested in seeing her tomorrow." Very, very honestly - had Kanika asked me on any other minute of any other day, I would have told her that I was struggling to tolerate Arshi. But that minute was different. That was the minute of maximum jealousy of my life. I think when you are in that state of mind, you just do things that you should not do. It may not be because it makes you feel better. You just do them because they are the wrong things and you are angry. So when I told Kanika that I will see Arshi tomorrow, I knew I was imposing another day of torture upon myself. But still, I did it. Come to think of it, I wasn't even getting back at Kanika by doing it. I could not imagine Kanika getting jealous from me going out with Arshi. Not until she had Niel anyway. "Sure. Tomorrow is fine." "Great. I will tell her." "Sure." And Kanika turned and walked out of the room. I saw her leave. I wanted to tell her to stay but I knew she will only talk about Niel if she stayed. I was in no mood to listen to stories of Niel's stud-ness. I would have rather been alone. I promised myself I would genuinely try to fall in love with Arshi. I had spent so many happy hours with her and why was it so difficult to rekindle the same chemistry in a relationship? She was the same person, after all. All we needed was a good conversation. It was like an assignment that I assigned myself. I knew love doesn't work like that but for all you know, it just might. After all, it was all about putting up a profile picture on Facebook, right?
I drove to Arshi's place. Arshi walked down the stairs and I had only one reaction. Oh. My. God. Arshi was wearing a plain orange kurta with a choodidar. She was doing simple Indian girl style today. She had suddenly transformed from the no nonsense, flamboyant girl to a girly, sweet girl. It was as if the female inside her had broken the shackles of the tough exterior and come out. Love had done that to her. I hoped I would like the new her. At least on the outside, she seemed much more likeable. "You shopped for meeting me today?" I said. It was a strange starting line, but there was nothing else going on in my head. "No, I didn't. I've had these clothes for a long time." "I don't believe you," I said. She just looked at me and gave an embarrassed smile. This was very unlike her. The Arshi I knew would have said something like `shut up, you fucking idiot.' And then the dreaded pause almost began. Arshi made a desperate attempt to cut it short. "So, what's up?" she asked. "Nothing much. You tell me." "Nothing much..." And then, we had once again reached the point of no conversation. Just like the last time, we did not have anything to talk about this time also. There seemed to be nothing we could discuss. So by default, I silently drove her to the restaurant I had selected for the evening. Once we were at the dinner table, the awkwardness had hit the ceiling. We hadn't talked since we saw each other. This was not normal. We used to have so many things to talk about. The waiter came and took the order. "So what will you have?" I asked, pleased at finally getting a reason to talk. "Long Island Tea with a burrito please." "Oh great. So you like Long Island Tea?" "Yes.
That was the death of our conversation. Replying in monosyllables, there was no way I could have thought of a retort for that. Therefore, both of us went back to the world of silence. As we waited for the starters and the drinks, I looked at her. I tried to find a good, substantial reason to not like her but I couldn't. It was just that it was not clicking. It was strange and unusual. But either ways, it was happening. I dropped her at her place. "So, I guess this is it. Have a good night," I said. "Yeah, this is it. Good night?" "Good night," I said again. But she hung around. I had a good idea what was going through her head. And then she motioned her head forward. I didn't know how to react, as I sat on the driver's seat. Her lips touched mine, but I hardly moved. I could have easily been a dead body. She didn't realize that it was just she kissing me rather than vice versa. She stopped and smiled at me. And then without saying a word, she left smilingly. Like most people, I had many dreams for my first kiss as well. But somehow, this version had never been a part of my imagination. In some day-dreams, I had held the girl and kissed her even if she didn't respond. But I had never expected that I would be the dead body in my own first kiss. But then, shit happens.
I reached the hostel and parked the car. I noticed a pair of sizzling legs coming out of another car. It was Kanika. "Hey Samar," she shouted on seeing me. I don't know whether she was drunk or not. But she definitely looked quite high. "Hey Kanika. Seems like somebody had a marvellous date." "Well, it was more perfect than the most romantic Hollywood movie ever made. It could not have been more perfect," Kanika said. "Great. So happy for you." "So how was your date with Arshi? Or wait, you want me to call Arshi and find out what she thought, don't you?" Kanika said and gave me a mischievous smile. Even before I could tell her that the date was a disaster, Arshi's phone was ringing.
A part of me wanted Arshi to tell her that the date was awful. But I had a feeling Arshi didn't think so. I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and get buried. Kanika had suddenly started to generate only negative sentiments in me. She either made me get very jealous or get very embarrassed. It did not make me feel good. "Hey Arshi!" Kanika squealed. I embraced myself for the disaster. "Kanikat' Arshi squealed in return. Arshi seemed energetic, contrary to what I was expecting. I stood there in silence, waiting for the disaster to unfold. "So? How was your date?" Kanika asked. "Oh, it was fabulous! Samar is just so sweet," Arshi said. As I had feared, Arshi was saying good things about the worst date of my life, by far. "I knew it! Didn't I always tell you that you love him?" "Yes, you did and I can now see why you said that. I mean, I have known him for months but still, this transformation made me so nervous..." "I know, isn't he adorable?" Kanika said and pulled my cheek. Ouch. "I was so tensed that I did not even speak anything. But still, there was nothing awkward about the silence. It was just plain romantic. It was as if we were meant to be together, always." I could imagine the look on her face. The look of a girl having just fallen madly in love. But fallen in love with me? What? "Great, Arshi. I am so happy for you two! And anything special?" "Yes. We kissed." Arshi must have blushed profusely as she said that. Thank God she was not in front of me. "You what? You kissed?" Kanika said and looked at me. And I heard Arshi narrate every detail of the kiss. Somehow, according to her version, I was equally passionate and excited in the kiss. Fuck my life. Kanika finally hung up and looked at me, smiling ear to ear. She was in a happy phase of life which blinded her to the fact that I was not smiling. She was in love, her best friend was in love and that is all she could see. "So lover boy, I did not know I had been living with such a charmer all along." "Well..." "And the kiss? Seems like someone has had a lot of practice," she smiled some more. If only she was there.
"Well Kanika, actually the truth is that I do not see it going any further. I cannot be in a relationship with Arshi." "What? But she said the date went awesome..." And then I began my version of the story. I told her about the date and what had gone wrong. I told her what I thought about Arshi and me. Kanika knew Arshi and she knew this was always possible. In fact, a certain part of her might have always feared this. "You need to tell her this at the soonest possible, Samar." "I know. I will call her today." "Call her? How can you possibly break up over phone?" "Break up? Break up happens where there is a relationship." "For her, you two share a very deep relationship. Be a gentleman, Samar. She likes you. Respect her feelings. Meet her and tell her. Do it for your own sake." "I will meet her soon." I could see the sense in what she was saying. Kanika gave a sigh of relief but she looked worried. Suddenly, everything that Kanika did unsettled me or depressed me. Every time she talked of Niel, my insides twisted. Every time she talked about Arshi, all it meant to me was that Kanika had no desire of being with me.
When Kanika left, I was still in foul mood. I needed something to clear my mind. I have never been much into alcohol or I would have made some drinks. I wanted something more soothing. So I decided to visit Zeeshan and clear my head. The best thing about Zeeshan was that he never had anything to do. You could walk into his house anytime and he would either be watching a sitcom on his laptop or sleeping. All you had to do was shake him and tell him to pick the guitar. And he would start playing.
anika began to settle down in college. Even though she tried really hard to maintain a low profile, she kept finding the lime light, against her will all the time. Guys would just not let her be. We met on and off. But she used to drop by at the flat every now and then. And each time she came, I kept hoping she wouldn't start talking about her guy. "Well... to be honest I haven't liked the guy from the first day," I told her one day, as she was in the middle of a rant about his body. "You have made that more than obvious, Samar. I thought I would discuss this with Mom. I told her about Niel and asked her what she thought." "You told your mom about Niel? What did she say?" "She just joked about it." "Joked about it?" "She just asked if Niel was into older women," Kanika said and smiled. I broke into laughter. "Your mom must be quite a lady. I have never understood why you never talk about her" I said. Kanika didn't go home very often. It was a little strange because she was living in the same city as her mom after some years. "I don't know, Samar. I am not comfortable talking about my family." "Yeah... but why?" "Mine is not a regular family like yours. I don't have a model dad who I would want to idolize. And my mom, well my mom is kind of famous," Kanika said. "Famous? Who, Sonia Gandhi?" "My dad left my mom when I was seven. Things didn't really work out between them. And my mom's name is," she paused, "Radhika Merchant. She is-" "Radhika Merchant.!!" I shouted, cutting Kanika in the middle of the sentence. "You mean to say
you are the daughter of the RADHIKA MERCHANT, the TV journalist? Why didn't you ever mention it?" "This is exactly why I don't tell people about her. Once I tell people that, the entire conversation just hovers around her." "Why shouldn't it? She is always all over television!" I said, like a fifth grader talking about a movie star. "Well, she is coming to pick me today. You can meet her if you want." "What do you mean if you want? Obviously, I want to!" "But I need a little favour in exchange." "Anything you want!" I said. "I will ask for it when the time comes. Today, let's just concentrate on introducing you to Mom because she is picking me up in a few hours. But you have to stay calm when she comes." "Okay. Okay. I promise I will be calm and not embarrass you," I said. "You better not. I will call you once Mom will be here," Kanika said and left. "Alright." "And remember, no matter what happens, do not mention my dad in front of her." "Sure." I looked at Kanika as she left. She had a different look on her face today. Normally, Kanika was a fireball of energy who knew nothing except the simple joys of life. The smile never left her face. But today, I saw a different expression on her. The mention of her childhood brought a worried expression on her face. It was as if her insecurities had come to surface. I remembered what Arshi had told me about her before I met her. What were the secrets hidden behind that perpetual smile?
Kanika called me up an hour later. I carried out the-importantmeeting routine to get ready to see THE Radhika Merchant. I was ecstatic. I wasn't a big fan of politics or education or anything News worthy, but I had grown up watching her going to battlefields and UN conferences with equal gusto, and looking as charming as anyone her age could be. She radiated intelligence, as if she knew everything there was to know. Initially, I idolized her. Over time, it developed into a crush.
Meeting Kanika's mom told you where Kanika got all her style from. She didn't over-do or under-do it. She didn't dress too young or too old for her age. She had short hair which seemed like second skin on her scalp and would have a uniform thickness kohl in her eyes at all times. She carried a jhola kind of bag. Basically, she was a journalist and she looked it. She wore a sober dark green jute salwar kameez that had slight embroidery at its border. Her short hair perfectly set. She looked subtle and classy. "Hello Aunty," I said smiling. "Hi! You must be Samar. Nice to meet you, young man. Must say, have heard a great deal about you." "Well, I just wanted to tell you that I am a huge fan. I have even Liked your Fan Page on Facebook." "Hey, thanks. I am glad. I thought watching the news was uncool for people your age. You really like watching the news?" asked Aunty. "Mom," Kanika intervened. "All Samar does is hit on girls and discuss it with his friends." "C'mon. Samar is a nice looking young man. I am sure he must be getting a lot of girls," said Aunty. My efforts of not blushing were blown in a second. "Thank you, Aunty," I said shyly. "Okay, tell me both of you, would you care to join me for a drink? One of my friends has opened this new place in Delhi called Turquoise Cottage. . The owner claims that he will serve the best Mojitos I have ever had." "Sure," I said. I realized I must have accepted the offer too soon. You are supposed to say no to an offer before accepting it. Aunty handled the situation well enough. Kanika has affirmative too.
Turquoise Cottage was a nice place but their Mojitos were nicer. We entered and everybody on every table seemed to know Aunty. She was the star of the restaurant, even though she was visiting it for the first time. I then looked at Kanika and I knew one more thing. This was where she got her energy. This was why Kanika was such a livewire. It was all in her genes or living with Aunty had taught her so. The manager of the restaurant kept visiting to check we were doing fine. I was enjoying the V.I.P. treatment for the first time in my life. The Mojitos kept flowing. I was sitting with Kanika, definitely the most easy-to-fall-in-love-with girl I had ever known. Along with Aunty.
I tried to look at myself from a third person's perspective. I looked at myself, sitting with two gorgeous women. And neither of them was anywhere close to being dumb. Kanika was a complete entertainer. And Aunty was capable of multiple intellectual orgasms in less than five minutes. "So, Samar, what is your plan in life?" Aunty asked. I contemplated what she meant by the question. What did she want to hear? Did she mean what I planned in terms or romance or did she mean what I planned in terms of career? "Well, I don't know. The plan is to fool around as long as I can. Just live my life to the fullest." It did not seem appropriate to tell her that I was mad about her daughter. Kanika was a being a silent spectator today, which was highly unlike her. We were talking about life, a topic which was highly abstract for her. She could not connect with the discussions. She opted out of it. And the only person who could make me not feel like talking to Kanika was sitting in front of me. Her mom. Moreover, her mom was in a mood to talk. "Well, I always knew I am too ambitious for my shoes. I mean, I knew I would have to fight my way to make way for my career." "And one hell of a career you have made," I said. "Yeah... So, I had to choose to do it or not do it. And I chose to do it. I decided to use my talent to the fullest and become what I have become today." "So, you do enjoy your success?" I asked. "Yes, I do. Whoever said money doesn't make you happy, should spend some time in my bathroom with a Jacuzzi. I mean money might not buy you happiness, but at least it is so much better to sulk in a 3 BHK flat than a roadside hut," said Aunty. I was amused. There, sitting in the dim lighting of the pub, I looked at her. She looked ravishing. She was successful, famous and established. And she was independent. She was everything a regular girl aspires to be. On television, I had seen her work and fallen in awe. But today, when I saw the person behind that work, I was blown.
We had had more than a few Mojitos. Just then Aunty seemed to have spotted someone. She got up from her seat and approached a man in his mid-forties. Kanika and I watched from where we were sitting. The man seemed equally pleased to see her. "That's Daleep Wadia, the famous businessman," Kanika told me. Aunty signalled us that she will be back in a while and went to a different table with that man. Kanika and I could not stop looking at the two of them.
What I saw next was a huge shock. Aunty took out an injection syringe from her bag and filled it with some drug. And then, she injected herself with whatever drug it was. I was shocked on seeing this. Aunty had just taken a hit of some drug, right in front of her daughter's eyes. "Oh my God, we should stop her," I said to Kanika. "Take it easy, Samar. Mom does it frequently. She is in control." "Are you crazy? You should stop her right now. You are her daughter!" "It is her life. She can do whatever she wants," Kanika said, still pretty relaxed. I looked at Kanika and I wished I could tell her what a big mistake she was making. What Aunty was doing was far from acceptable. But I felt helpless. And there was another dimension to Radhika Aunty. She was arcane and enigmatic. It was a part of the package. If you took the good, you had to take the bad. If you took the beautiful, the ugly came along. So Iset decided to return to my Mojitos. My thoughts shifted to Kanika through the glass and the alcohol my brain thinking. I wondered why she occupied my head for so many hours a day? And was this what they called love? My common sense told me that we would never be together and it hurt me real bad. So what should I do? But as long as she was in front of my eyes, the fact that I can't get her would continue to hurt me. I decided that the next morning I would get up and send her an SMS that we should stop talking, forever. And ordered another Mojito.
y the next morning, I had passed the moment. The idea of sending Kanika the SMS began to seem stupid. I slept though the morning, to be woken up by Roy, my roommate in the afternoon. Kanika came in the evening. The moment she walked in, I knew she was up to something. She had that look on her face, as if she was about to ask for a favour. I could tell, having known her for some time now. "Hey," I said as she settled into the room. "Hey, Samar. I guess you really did enjoy meeting Mom." "Yeah. She was nice," I said. "I hope you remember the clause involved. You owe me a favour now." "Yes, I do remember. Tell me," I said. I did not have a good feeling about this. "Niel wants to visit me for the weekend." Kanika knew that my brain would process the remaining part. Kanika wanted me to share my room with Niel. Clearly, she still had no idea that I wasn't enjoying the Niel episode. As far as she was concerned, she was hoping Niel and I would become friends. "What if I say no?" She made a face, pouted her lips and looked at me innocently. The deadliest weapon a good looking girl has. USA should have used this on Iraq. "Okay, okay. When is he coming?" I conceded. Maybe knowing him a little would help me find better faults in him. Just then the doorbell of my flat rang. Kanika and I looked at each other. It was strange to hear our doorbell ring. I didn't even know that we had a doorbell in our flat. Nobody ever rings the doorbell in the house of bachelors. Kanika andman I walked to thethirties, door to check ill who it was. reached the door and found a regular looking, short in his early wearing fitted whiteWe kurta pyjama. "Jai Shri Krishna sir," he said on seeing us. For a second, a thought ran through my head. If this man was Niel, I would climb to the terrace of my building and jump.
"I am Vijay Sarkar. I work in an NGO in your locality. It is right in the next corner, sir. I have come to invite you to visit us some time." It wasn't Niel. Thankfully. Kanika and I looked at each other. We knew where this was headed. We knew the next sentence he was going to say. He was going to ask for donation. "Sir, we look after AIDS patients in our NGO. We have seven patients living with us," the man said. We looked at the guy. He looked quite shady. He did not look like somebody who would harbour needy people and shelter their needs. He looked like somebody who would go about collecting money from the neighbourhood and then blow it away in alcohol every night. His looks went against what he was saying. "Sir, can I request you to make a suitable donation for the cause?" the man said. "I am sorry, we do not believe in donations," I said. "What?" Kanika interrupted. She looked at me. "Here. Keep these fifty rupees," Kanika said and handed over the note to the man. "Thank you so much, ma am. You must visit our AIDS home some time," he said and left, shaking Kanika's hand profusely. "I said no because the man did not look genuine to me. He looked like somebody who goes around houses to collect donations and smoke ganja from the money in the night." "Well, what if he wasn't? Maybe my fifty bucks just gave someone a few extra minutes to live?" she said. She said it with such sweetness that it was reason enough to fall in love with her. We came back to the room. Kanika picked up the newspaper from the table and started reading it. "Hey, there is a photograph of Mom in the paper," she said. I took the paper from her and saw it. It was a picture of Radhika Aunty and Daleep Wadia, together. The article talked about the possibilities of them having an affair. "You think this is true?" I asked Kanika. "No, no. Media needs stuff to fill up their space." "Hmm. So when is Niel coming?"
After the last lecture on Friday afternoon, Kanika dragged me to the parking to receive Niel. It was the first time I had ever gone to the parking to receive anyone. He was rubbing it in. I looked at Kanika. She was bubbling with energy. I had never seen her happy. I tried to be happy for her but it was futile. Niel had made his space in her life. They were so happy together that it really, really hurt. Niel parked his small size car in the parking. I waited for him to step out so that I could size him and dismiss him as unimpressive. Niel stepped out. I looked at his hair to point out as stupid. But I couldn't. They were short and neat and in place. I looked at his face to declare that he looked too young or too old. But he didn't. He only looked good. I looked for signs of fat on his body. But there was none. This was it. He was slim. Yes. He was too slim. "You like this guy? He is so fucking slim? What did you see in him? He looks malnourished." "Samar, this guy is not slim. He is fit. Trust me, I have seen him." Kanika winked at me. Oops. This guy seemed a perfect package. My only hope now was a stupid accent coming out of Niel's mouth. "Hey baby! I missed you," Niel said as he came and hugged Kanika. No stammers, a smooth, neat accent. He sounded as if he came from a well-educated, polished family which hardly spoke in any Indian language. With this, went my last hope of declaring him non-dateable. "Hey, you must be Samar. That's an awesome shirt, man," he said. "Thanks," I said. That was it. One genuine flaw. He was one of those who try too hard to be liked. He didn't have to sweet talk me. Clearly, he was not an affectionate person. But I could see that he was really smooth at faking it. The perfect length of the smile, the raising of the eye brows and almost the right body language. But his eyes gave him away. "Kanika talks so much about you, Samar. It is almost as if I have known you for years." "But you haven't even known Kanika for years," I shot back. It had no meaning or aim. I just didn't want to come across as if I wanted to be friends with him. "Haha! Good one Samar," Niel said laughing, even though the joke wasn't funny. This was him. He was too corporate to be liked. He had a perfect expression on his face every time. He spoke with proper diction and proper fluency. He pretended to like everyone with perfection. He could hold conversations on every topic. This was Niel. "Let's get going to my room," I said, further showing my disinclination towards a conversation. "Yeah, sure."
We walked to my room. I noticed the look Niel was getting from the girls in college. It was not a pleasant sight. We reached my room. "So? What is the plan, guys?" I asked. Kanika and I looked at Niel in anticipation as if he was the one who was supposed to make a plan. "Well, Kanika and I are going out for dinner," Niel said. "I will just take a shower and then we'll get going." Kanika left, leaving just Niel and me in the room. Niel took off his shirt to go and take a shower. I saw that he had a well carved body with at least the top two abs clearly visible. "A body like that alongside a job? How do you get the time?" I asked. "Well, I have deliberately taken a job which lets me have time to myself so that I can work out. I mean, it's not the best job profile and I can manage a better salary. But still I am sticking to this job because it lets me devote time to myself," Niel said. "Neat." "Yeah. But I will be switching companies pretty soon. Don't know how it would be in the next company. Let's just wait and watch," Niel said. I felt like leaving the room. The room was way too full of Niel at the moment. I needed to breath in air where he wasn't around.
The only place I could think of was Zeeshan's place. So I picked my guitar and went to his place. I rang the bell on his door and waited for him to open up. Zeeshan was always elated on seeing me. "How the fuck did you come to know that I am making the best fucking Maggi?" Zeeshan threw an abusive welcome at me. Two bottles of beer down, definitely. But he didn't smile. He never smiled. He was the exact opposite of Niel. He just smiled with his eyes. You could make out once you have known him for some time. Zeeshan had become a great friend. I had begun to understand the real meaning of his abusive language.
"So, what brings you here?" Zeeshan asked, as he lit a cigarette. "Got bored at my place... so I thought I'd drop by," I said. "Got bored? It's Kanika, right? She got Niel home, didn't she?" He knew Niel was coming on Saturday. He had figured out the situation the moment he saw me. "Yeah. He is here." "Oh. Have your worst fears come true? Is he... kind of smart?" I stayed quiet which was as much confirmation as Zeeshan needed. "The way you talk about this girl, it is absolutely clear that she is out of your league. Why don't you get a life and move on?" "Because I don't want to. I kind of like her." "You know what? I kind of like Aishwarya Rai. Doesn't mean I leave everything and start dreaming of her." "Look who is saying this. Somebody who has actually left everything and dreams of nonsense all day," I retorted. "Yeah. But at least I had a better reason." I looked at him in the eye. "I'm trying, in my own nonexistent way," I said. "She sounds interesting. Get her here someday." "I will, but only after she is in love with me." It was a baseless claim, especially after meeting Niel. Zeeshan kind of laughed but curtailed it. He knew it was not the right day for that kind of goofing around. "You are so helplessly in love and you haven't even told her! And all this while I thought I had finally made a guy friend." "I don't know about love etcetera. All I know is that I really want to be with her right now," I said. "You mean to say you are not in love with her?" Zeeshan asked. "I don't know. I will know only when we actually get into a relationship." I seriously did not know if this was love. But she did occupy my head all the time. I couldn't stop thinking of her when I wanted. She set my heart racing. But was all this enough?
"How is it going with that other, deaf and dumb girl? Arshi, right?" "Still haven't told her." Hmm. Guitar and girls, didn't we have the two best topics in the world to talk about. We shifted our attention from girls to guitar and Zeeshan told me about a few more chords. My classes had been going to steady and I had been practicing whatever Zeeshan had been teaching me. I loved spending time at his broken place. I basked in the reflected rebel glory, and it felt good. I returned home and went to sleep. Niel was nowhere, thankfully.
Niel returned at three in the morning. I had thought I was asleep until he came in. It wasn't his fault. He could not have been more silent but I had not really been asleep. "So how was it?" I asked sleepily. "I have never been on a bad date, Samar. All dates which involve me are great." Niel was smiling and he looked happy. Any guy who Kanika liked had to be happy by the very definition of being happy. Love is such a headache.
he next morning, I got up to find Niel next to me, while I was still lying on my bed. I was lying lazily in my room, staring into blankness. I was mentally planning my weekend. It was Saturday. I was supposed to meet Arshi and tell her where we stood. All week I had been postponing because I thought I would do it on Saturday. I was supposed to tell her that I did not love her. I had to do it in a way which would hurt her the least. But suddenly, every bit of creativity in my head seemed to be drying up. I contemplated going out for dinner with her and discussing it. But dinners tend to raise most girls' hopes. Asking out for dinner is like fuelling the romance. A lunch sounded a much better option. But if I had to plan lunch with her, I would have to call her immediately. I did not feel like calling her. I don't know whether it was laziness or the unpleasantness of the conversation but I did not feel like calling her. Niel's phone started ringing and broke my train of thought. It was Kanika calling him first up in the morning. She was asking him to come for lunch. On Saturdays, we were lucky to have woken up at lunch hour. Mostly, it was well past. It was the first time that I was seeing this side of Kanika, the caring love struck girl. As Niel got ready to go for lunch with Kanika, he thought it was a good opportunity to break some ice with me. "So, Samar. What plans for this lovely Saturday afternoon?" "Nothing really, thinking of sleeping in," I replied honestly. "Why? Don't you have any girlfriend who nags you all the time to take her out or something?" Now this was war. It was a clear attempt to put me down. And that too, with a smile. "No actually," I replied, "there is this girl Arshi. I was thinking of going out for lunch with her." "Oh Arshi? Kanika's best friend?" Niel asked. "The same," I replied. "Oh great! Then let's go for a double date. You, me, Arshi and Kanika. Should be fun." "Not really, Niel. We have plans. You two carry on."
Niel agreed and left for the lunch with Kanika. My thoughts got back to Arshi. Niel had helped me decide. And he had also helped me wake up. I better finish it off today. It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon. I called her up. "Hey, you want to meet for lunch?" I asked, coming straight to the point. "Yeah sure. Where do you want to go?" "I don't know. You tell me." "Let's go to Qutub Minar. I just love the gardens around it. It's a cool place to hang out." Who goes to Qutub Minar for a date? Qutub Minar is where retired people hang out alongside foreigners who are actively looking for false stories. This was way too much. "Okay, let's go to Qutub Minar." I slipped into a not-so-cool shirt. Not looking good was my strategy. If I would not look good, it would make her less sad when she would get dumped. I picked her up on the decided time. "So how are you?" she said. "I am good. What about you?" "I am good too. So what's up?" "Nothing much. You tell me." "Nothing much with me either." And then, like every time, we ran out of conversation. I hated it which was actually a blessing in disguise. It gave me strength and added conviction in my decision. It made everything very obvious. It made it clear that things were not working out. We reached Qutub Minar. As expected, there were only retired people and foreign tourists. We were walking silently. I had given up on looking for conversation and accepted the silences. Now, the silences were much more comfortable than the scraps of conversation that we had. As we were walking pretty close to the minaret, we came across a black pillar. This pillar was right next to Qutub Minar but was only a few meters long. There was a bunch of people crowding around it. Seeing so many people paying attention to the pillar piqued my interest in the black pillar. Arshi and I went closer to the pillar to check out the curiosity of the group.
"Guys," said a local guide, in broken English. "This is Ashoka Pillar. It is as old as the Qutub Minar itself. It is made of Iron and even though it is so old, it doesn't have a hint of rust on it. This is because this Pillar has mystical powers." Arshi and I went closer to the guide to listen carefully to what he was saying. "The legend says that if you hug this pillar and you manage touch your fingers on the other side, then you would get your true love," he said. Arshi got curious. I could see that she wanted to try it out. The guide left and with him the crowd also thinned out. "You want to try it?" I asked Arshi. "Obviously I do," she said. I could believe what I was hearing. The Arshi I knew would have made fun of anyone who would even contemplate doing such a thing. It was almost as if she was making fun of me. This was unbelievable. But then, it was happening. Arshi hugged the pillar. She was a short person which meant her arms must be short as well. It was obvious that being able to hug the pillar had nothing to do with luck or love. It was more about height than anything else. Arshi's arms did not meet. She was visibly disappointed. "Hey it's not your fault. If this myth was true, then nobody below six feet in height would ever find true love," I said, trying to cheer her up. Only one thing was going through my mind. Could she really have been thinking of me when she put her arms around the pillar? I didn't think so. Arshi was just not that type. "Aren't you going to try?" she asked me. "No, no. I am okay. I don't believe in such things." And we walked on. "Hey, I am hungry now. Let's have lunch somewhere," I said. We settled down into a restaurant and we almost did not exchange any sentences. And it was not even as awkward as it had been the first time. Now I had come to expect the silences. I did not want to impress her. My brain working out. began to frame what I was going to say, how I was going to tell her that things were not I could not have jumped straight onto the topic. I would have to grease up some conversation. And then, I would slide onto this topic and then tell her that it was game over.
"So Arshi how are studies shaping?" I asked, another attempt at striking a conversation. "Umm... I have just applied to Delhi University for a Masters in Psychology. But the results aren't out yet. I am just praying that I get through," Arshi said and she looked skywards. I think she said a small prayer. "Oh. Best of luck for the results." There was a possibility of an awkward silence. I had to take evasive action. "God forbid, what if you don't get through?" I asked. "Well, in that case, I will be on the next flight to Australia and join some university there," she said. "What? Are you serious?" I asked. "Yes. But I don't want to go abroad. But my parents will have no option left." I wondered if that was good or bad. If she was moving away, it could only be a good thing. It will help her move on and it will help me move on. Our order arrived. American Choupsuey with some Manchurian and Noodles. Arshi took the first bite. She seemed to like it. She was smiling lesser that the usual after the pillar incident. She seemed to have taken it pretty seriously. What crap. Arshi took another bite and made a strange face. Something wrong had happened in her bite. She put her hand in her mouth and pulled something out. It was a strand of hair. Arshi was disgusted but she did not lose her cool. "What? That's a hair? Fucking disgusting. Let's call someone..." I asked. "No, no. It's okay. Let's just tell them what has happened and leave," she said. She already had two reasons to be upset already. First it was the pillar and then it was the hair in her mouth. I weighed the possibility of dumping her right now. There could not have been a worse time. But I had to do it. If I didn't do it today, I would have to set up another date to do it. And there was no guarantee that that date will go any better. "Well Arshi, I wanted to talk to you about something" I said. I said it in a way which commanded attention. My tone implied that it was something important. Arshi turned her neck to look at me. I had in fact, got her attention. But just then her phone started ringing. She picked up the call and put it to her ear. "Hey. Is the result out? What? I didn't make it? How can it be? Did you check it properly? No, it
can't be. Please check again. Yes I will hold on. What? I really didn't make it? Okay honey. No, no. Okay. Bye." She hung up. It was obvious what had happened. The Delhi University results were out and she had obviously not made it. I looked at Arshi. She was numb. She wasn't speaking. She was in a foul mood. She was not having the best of days. She was almost in tears. I felt for her. She was bumping into one bad news after another. "Hey relax. Look at the bright side. You would now get to go to Australia. It can't be that bad, right? Come on, it is a blessing in disguise" I said. She was paying no attention to what I was saying. She was just staring into blankness. She was taking it pretty bad. She was shell shocked. It was clear that today was definitely not the day we were going to discuss the future of our relationship. It would have to wait for another day, when she would be in a better condition to cushion the blow. Right now, my only priority was to raise her spirits, one way or the other. What could I do to make her feel better? "Ice cream? Let's go to Baskin Robbins!" I said. Arshi looked at me. She seemed touched. My feeble attempt at making her feel better was very special for her. It struck me that very moment. This sweet gesture of mine was the bare minimum that I could do from my side. But from Arshi's point of view, it was the sign of true love. She had the least possible expectations from me. So when I did even a little for her, it meant a lot to her. I was basically doomed even further. Arshi and I had ice cream together. She seemed marginally happier. At least, she didn't look dazed or lost, as she initially had. She came back to her normal silent self. I dropped her home and left back for my stupid flat. I had almost forgotten that I had a temporary roommate, Niel.
I started driving back to my flat. I wanted to relax and clear my head. I turned on radio FM, looking for some good music. It was really soothing. I reached my flat to see Niel. The pointless smile on his face made me jealous. He was smiling
because he had Kanika, every guy's dream. "Hey, Samar. You came at just the right time. Care for some beer?" "Sure," I said. I could use some. We sat on the floor in my room and took a bottle each. And as expected, Niel started blabbering. "So how's life Niel?" I asked, starting a conversation. "Life is pretty good, Samar. I know I am going through the peak of my life and that's what makes it so great." "I know I can see that." "Yes. See right now, I am at the peak of my health. I have good looks and I have decent money. Add to that my good body and you have a winner." "I know. You must be really popular amongst the women." "Yeah. Have always been. All I have to do to get a girl is to raise my shirt a little and show my body. And it seems to work every single time." Niel was drunk. He was allowed to say brainless things. He had had two bottles of beer. But somehow, there was a very negative vibe about what he was saying. Suddenly, I became very restless. Until now I had had an intuition that Niel was not the right guy for her. But now, I somehow became surer. "You want more beer?" I asked. "No man. I have to pack my bags. I would be leaving in a while." "Okay. And how was your day?" I asked. "It was nice man. Thanks for letting me stay." I wondered if he was expecting me to ask him to stay. I was kind of looking forward to some time by me, alone in my room. I was looking forward to his departure. I accompanied him to the parking. Kanika was waiting for us there. "Hey," Kanika said on seeing me. "Hey. Had a good weekend?" I said.
Kanika gave a satisfied smile. She was a girl deeply immersed in love. It hurt. That was the moment when it struck me. Kanika was way too deeply in love and I should stop being hopeful. She was so deep into him that even if I was to tell her that I don't like this guy, it would have no effect on her. It had to be proved somehow. Now, it was nothing but a torture. All I did was hear her talk about him and get frustrated. I should move on now. Maybe, Arshi was not that annoying? Niel left. Kanika and I started walking back towards the hostel. "Hey, you want to go on a drive?" I asked. "Sure." Kanika and I went for the drive and the more I looked at her, the surer I got that it was not heading anywhere. It was time I got out of the denial and accepted. "So how was your weekend?" Kanika asked. "Well, I met Arshi. I tried really hard to tell her that things are not going to work out. But I couldn't. It was not the right day." Normally, I would have expected Kanika to not take it too well. I would have expected a rant on how relationships are the most important part of life and how it is really important to tell people how you feel etc. But today Kanika was in a different mood altogether. "It's okay. Sometimes it is tougher for the person not in love," Kanika said. Lost in our own thoughts, both of us kept looking straight on the road in silence. I looked into nothingness and got thinking. Arshi loved me. I loved Kanika. Kanika loved Niel. What is better - To have loved and lost? Or to not have loved at all?
love playing lawn tennis. The sound of the ball hitting the racquet, the grunt coming from the mouth, the foot stamping the ground, the sweat of the forehead, I love it all. And the feeling of forgetting everything else in the whole world is an added bonus. My roommate Roy is my partner and together, we make the college Tennis team. This year, we had handpicked a tournament to take part in. It wasn't the best known Tennis Tournament in the country. But the best part was that it was in Goa. So we worked hard for the tournament and got a trip to Goa as a bonus. What could be better? On a sunny morning, I reached the tennis court for daily practice. Just as I was about to leave my kit to start practicing, my phone started ringing. It was Arshi. "Hey, Arshi. What's up?" "Well, I am with a travel agent Samar. I am leaving for Australia," Arshi said. She sounded really sad. "Oh, okay. When?" I asked casually. "I am leaving in two days," she said. "So when can we meet?" I asked. "That's what I was thinking too. But it has been crazy hectic. I need to get my Visa, my shopping, my packing, my travel insurance and everything. I am going mad here doing everything," Arshi said. "Hey let me know whenever you can sneak out some time to meet. I really have to talk to you," I said. "Sure. I will let you know. I'll call you when I'll be free," Arshi said and hung up. I started practicing. As I said, it cleared my mind of everything. Arshi went to the back of my head. "Love all," Roy shouted the score.
When the practice ended, I didn't feel like going anywhere. I liked the open skies at the tennis court. The breeze was nice and fresh and as the sun was setting, most people were leaving as well. The place seemed to have a nice and serene feel to it. So I decided to hang around a little longer after Roy left. As I was sitting there, Arshi called again. She explained how she was really pressed for time until her departure and that she could meet me only at the airport. The idea of meeting her at the airport gave me butterflies in my stomach. I could not let her go without clearing my mind. I had to tell her how I felt. But if I was to meet her at the airport, she would be with her parents and all her friends. It was obvious that Kanika would be there too. The idea unnerved me thoroughly. I was hoping this would be neat. But now it was going to be anything but neat. As I went to sleep that night, I had no idea that this Tuesday was going to be a very eventful day. I stared at the sky, with my back against the boundary of the court. I was now alone in the area and it was almost dark. There was silence as far as my ears could hear. My phone rang again. It was Kanika this time. She asked me where I was and I told her to come to the tennis court. As I waited for her, my thoughts went back to Niel. The more I thought of him, the surer I got that his company was not a good thing for Kanika. But I was still completely clueless what to do about it. Sitting there, I plugged in the hands-free cable in my phone and turned on the radio in it. I was looking forward to some slow soothing songs. But it was a female RJ speaking. Her name was RJ Vartika. "So today we are going to do a loyalty test on people," the RJ said. She caught my attention. "We have Megha with us and she has a doubt that her boyfriend Raj is not being loyal to her. So I am going to call up Raj and flirt with him and check if he is a loyal boyfriend," the female RJ said. I kept listening to the show as I sat. It seemed ridiculous fun. When Kanika walked in, I didn't realize she had been staring at me. I was sitting alone and smiling to myself as I listened to the show on the radio. She was baffled as to what was I doing. I gave her one of the earplugs and we started listening to it together. She seemed to like it too and hearing it together seemed to make it doubly funny. And then I had an idea. It was an answer to what had been occupied my head since last night. I ran it over in my head and it seemed to fit. "You think we should make this RJ call up Niel?" I suggested, with a naughty look in my eyes. "What? Why?" Kanika asked, as she tried to understand what I had said.
"Just for fun. I mean I am sure he is loyal but just for the heck of it, let's do this silly thing today..." I don't know why, doing this silly thing seemed like a fun idea to me. "We are doing no such thing, Samar," Kanika said, as the two of us sat together in the tennis court with no one in sight for quite some distance. "But Kanika, I seriously do not like this guy." "He is not that bad," Kanika said, leaning her head on my shoulder, as the wind blew her hair in my face and her shampoo in my nostrils. I liked the feeling. And I kept sitting even after Kanika left.
woke up the next morning with an unpleasant feeling. Arshi was taking a flight this evening. On top of that, I had a lecture early in the morning. It was at 8:30 a.m. So, it was way too early for my body clock. I knew I was going to have a rough day. I just didn't know how rough. It was 8:25 a.m. I had five minutes to go to the loo, brush my teeth and change into presentable clothes. I managed it in fifteen and reached the class at 8:40, looking as little messy as I could manage. I took my seat and surveyed the class. It was an old professor who had little idea what was happening at the last few benches. Even if he knew, I don't think he could have done much. So once settled, I messaged Kanika. Hey wassup? She replied with, Sleeping in my room, Samar. Leave me alone for a day or two. I panicked on reading the message. Firstly, Kanika never wrote messages without a smilie or two. Secondly, `leave me alone' was the most depressing phrase she was capable of writing. Something was seriously wrong. I had no idea what. As soon as the lecture ended, I asked Saumya, one of my classmates to go and check up on Kanika in her room. I asked Saumya to silently sneak into Kanika's room and check if she was alright. Saumya went up to check on her. She said Kanika was sleeping and her room was messy. And Kanika's room was never messy. Something was definitely wrong. I sat through another lecture but my brain did not register a single word of what the professor said. I was busy thinking of Niel. Was he the reason behind this? I wanted to call Niel right there and give him an earful. When the second lecture ended, I headed for the water cooler which was deserted enough. I called up Niel. "Niel, what did you do?"
"Stay out of this, Samar," he said. "Tell me what happened," I said, firmly. "See, things sometimes go wrong. You don't have to interfere." "What do you fucking mean things sometimes go wrong Niel?" "What the... stop asking me what I did! First ask her what she did." him.That was bullshit. Kanika could have never done anything to deserve such condescending tone from "I know what you wanted Niel the moment I saw you. You just wanted to get in her pants. You know what? You are nothing but a sick bastard. Make sure I don't see you ever again!" I was howling. Had he been in front of me, I could have gotten into the first fist fight of my life. I had always had a feeling that this would happen. But actually seeing this happen had hit me hard.
I tried Kanika's number after two hours and she picked up this time. "Meet me at the gate of your hostel," I told her. She agreed after some reluctance. She took a while before she came out. She seemed too dishevelled to begin with. She had washed her face and the trails of tears on her cheeks. She had changed to jeans and a Tshirt from her night clothes and was much neater than what I had expected. "So, what's up? I had no clue it was two o'clock already. I must have missed four lectures already." Kanika seemed hollow in her coolness. She was overdoing the nonchalant part. I, on the other hand, was breathing anger in and out of my body. It was about time Kanika was going to sense it. "What?" Kanika asked on seeing me being so angry. "He is such a bastard. I wish he was..." I said. "Well... you don't know what happened last evening" Kanika said. "Then tell me." "Leave it, Samar." I had to convince her into telling me. I really wanted to know.
"You remember that stupid show we were listening to, last evening?" she asked. "You mean the one about loyalty tests? The one we were listening on the radio?" "Yes, that one. After I left, I called them up and made them call Niel." "Oh God. Then what happened?" "RJ Vartika called him," Kanika said and brought out her phone from her bag. She fiddled with it a little and turned on an audio recording of the call. It was a recording of the call made by the RJ to Niel. "Hey, is this Mr Nieloy Bannerjee?" the female RJ asked on the phone. The RJ had an awesome voice, as expected. To be honest I couldn't really blame Niel for having fallen for that voice. "Yes, I am. Who's this?" "Well, my name is Aishwarya and I got your number from your gym." "Okay. And?" "Well, I know it is really weird for a girl to call like this but I have been seeing you for a long time so today I thought what the heck, let's just call him." "No, no. It's really nice of you to call, Aishwarya. I'm flattered," Niel said. "I see you work out every day and I try hard to catch your attention but never succeed. So I thought this will be the best way." "I know. Appreciate it!" Niel was audibly salivating now. I could feel the excitement in his voice. And the RJ was relentless. Add to that, the fact that the whole city was listening to this and Niel's full name had also been announced. The RJ continued butchering him. "So I was thinking... if we could go out for dinner some time?" RJ Vartika asked. "Sure. What are you doing tomorrow?" "Oh great. I didn't realize it would be this easy. All this while I kept thinking this guy can never be single. He must have a thousand girls dying for him." Niel must have blushed. If only he knew what was going to follow. And then he said the sentence which would really push him further to his imminent doom, with the whole city listening. "No, no. I am completely single at this stage. And I can't wait to see somebody with a voice as lovely as yours," Niel said, excited.
The RJ heard this and she changed her tone. Suddenly, from a very simple infatuated young girl, she became an angry teacher. "Well Niel, actually I am calling from radio FM. And I want you to speak to someone," the RJ said. "You bastard. You are single, huh? Then what am I? You fucking bastard!" I heard Kanika shout in the recording. It was a scary version of her voice. I had never imagined her voice like this. Kanika stopped the audio recording. She gave me a blank look. She was too broken to say anything. "It's okay, Kanika. It's good you got to know." "Did you hear him speak? He sounded as if he was the most desperate guy in the city. I gave him an earful and told him I would never see him again. But how could I miss such an obvious..." Kanika said. "Listen Kanika, it is not your fault that he was a bastard. Stop blaming yourselfl" I held Kanika's hand to comfort her. And then Kanika gave me that look that I had always been waiting for. She didn't say anything but I could clearly hear what she said with her eyes. She said that she was thankful that I was there for her during these tough times. She thanked me for making her feel better through it all. "Take care, Kanika. And promise me you will be more careful in future. Be more careful in picking competition for me," I said and smiled. Kanika smiled back. She looked good when she smiled through layers of dried tears on her cheeks. "So, what's up? What did I miss from the morning?" Kanika asked, making a desperate attempt to change the topic. "Well, you missed a few stupid lectures... And also your best friend, Arshi is leaving the country in a few hours' time." "Oh God. I completely forgot. What time is her flight?" "It is at seven. And it is two right now," I said. "Did you tell her that she is not your girlfriend?" "Well... not yet. I would have to do that today," I replied. "You Bastard! Let me get ready to see off my best friend." On the outside, Kanika seemed to have returned to normal all of a sudden. But once again, I got a feeling that she was two completely different persons on the inside and outside. And her strong exterior was a cover up for her weak, fragile interior.
Kanika dressed up on the outside to conceal her broken state on the inside. Her moist and red eyes had thick kohl and black eyeliner to cover the traces of tear-trails under her eyes. Kanika met me in the parking so that both of us could go to the airport to see off Arshi. We drove silently to the airport. We reached the airport and looked for Arshi. My heart froze when I finally saw her. She was with her mother, father, brother, two female cousins and a few more friends. My spirits sank. I was supposed to tell Arshi that things were not going to work between us in front of all these people. It was I. M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E. "How am I supposed to talk to Arshi in private in front of all these people?" I whispered in Kanika's ear. "Don't worry. We will sneak her across," Kanika replied, as Arshi came running up to us to hug us good bye. "Hey Arshi. So you are all set, huh? All set to fly across the seven seas?" Kanika said, as they hugged. The two of them talked and I saw a glimpse of the old Arshi back after so many days. It seemed nothing in the world could make her shut up. Kanika and Arshi were childhood buddies and they looked it. Suddenly, Arshi was chirpy, funny, smart and sharp at the same time, the way I had always known her. "Hello Ma'am. Hello uncle," Kanika and I said to Arshi's mom and dad. "Aunty, can we borrow Arshi for a minute," Kanika said to Arshi's mom. "Sure beta. You guys carry on. We will be waiting here only." We took Arshi to a corner. There we were out of the control of anybody from the convoy which had come to drop Arshi. We could actually talk here, even though I felt really dishevelled. Kanika gave us some time alone. She decided to idly walk at some distance. "Well Arshi," I said "I just wanted to tell you something. Well, hmm, the thing is that... that err..." I kept stammering again and again. "I just wanted to say... that it is not going to work out. I mean, I tried really hard but we are not even able to converse and it seems so impossible when we can't even talk," I stammered again. It was just Arshi and me. Even Kanika was out of sight. I had no idea what would be the next thing
coming out of Arshi's mouth. If I thought of the old Arshi, there could be a punch heading to my right eye. If I thought of the new Arshi, there could be silence. She was blank for a few seconds. I was getting really curious. "You like Kanika, don't you?" she said. That was the most unexpected reaction from her. I was caught so off guard that my immediate reaction must have revealed to her that what she was saying was true. She tried to laugh, on having understood what was happening. It was the hollowest laugh I had ever seen. She was definitely pretending. It didn't suit Arshi. What had she become? From a bad mouthing Roadie to a defensive girl. "What?" I said. "I can't believe you didn't catch my joke. I was just pulling your leg all this while." "So all this silence romance was a hoax?" "Of course, idiot. I was just kidding all this while. I just couldn't believe you believed everything. I knew you were into Kanika from the first day itself." "Oh." Escaped my mouth. I didn't know what to say. I felt embarrassed and stupid. She laughed some more. It was even more fake than the previous one. "Stop trying so hard to cover your tears Arshi," I said. She stopped laughing. She didn't realize her pretence was so obvious. She looked at me, in an embarrassed way. I could see the sadness in her eyes. "Now can we go back with everybody now? They must be waiting," she said. "No, why are you doing this Arshi? Why are you changing yourself?" Arshi kept silent. She thought about it long and hard and weighed what she was going to say next. "I might have had a very hard exterior Samar but all I really wanted was to be liked. And that was one thing I could never manage," she said. I was taken aback. That one sentence changed the way I looked at Arshi forever. We came back and joined the gang. I hugged a good bye to Arshi. It was a warm, friendly hug. Finally, we were ending it on a good note.
So there we were. A simple sentence had taken me a few weeks to utter. Kanika and I were back in car, driving our car back to the college. "Until last week," Kanika said in a pensive, deep voice, "Arshi and I were the two most deeply in love girls in town." Kanika said. "Things change so fast." There was nothing to say. I drove silently for the remaining route. But many thoughts were hanging in the air.
he silence in the car became self-replicating. We reached college and Kanika looked at me with a look, as if asking me, if I had made a plan. I hadn't and hence said nothing. "Bye then," she said, very softly. Just this afternoon, she had woken up in complete wreckage after her break up. She was emotionally exhausted. Only a steam bath or a full body massage could have helped her. But the best she could have managed was a good night's rest. "Bye," I replied. I wanted her to take rest and clear her mind. To be by herself and wake up in the morning and have all those `new-life' kind of thoughts. I stood still waiting for her to turn around and leave. She hung around, waiting to check if I had anything more to add. I didn't. She realized it after some time and understood that she had no reason to hang around anymore. So she turned around to leave. She looked tired and depressed. Kanika began to leave. She took two steps and stopped. And she turned and looked at me and very softly said, "Vodka?" I was taken aback. All my analysis of Kanika requiring a good night sleep had fallen on its face. I smiled. The silence had been way too heavy for way too long. If that's what she wanted, then that's what she was going to get. Vodka with Kanika didn't seem like a bad idea. Kanika knew my reaction was a yes. "Being alone fucks up my head," she said. Well, that was another way to look at it. I couldn't disagree. I smiled broader. I went and bought a bottle of vodka. And finally overcame the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"So, how do you want to have it?" I asked Kanika. "Shots." "Shots? Really?" "Yes. Saves me from all those unhealthy calories in juices and soft drinks," she replied. I made a drink each, for Kanika and me. And then another. And then another. an same hour later, and I were pretty drunk. We did as if wethat hadwe undergone break upsHalf on the day. IfKanika an onlooker was to see us, he would betnot alllook his money hadn't had any break ups in our whole lives. We were talking, chatting, laughing and everything. We were sitting on my bed with our backs to the wall. Her head was leaning on my shoulder and I was sitting with an exaggerated slouch on the bed. This was the comfort level we shared. "Samar, you know what hurt me the most about Niel?" Kanika said. She soundoflike heart Ibroken romantic She sounded like a grown up reflecting back on did the not mistakes her ayouth. liked that. I likedany themore. place Kanika was approaching. "What?" "When the RJ called her, you should have heard the wickedness and the lust in his voice. I was wondering how I had missed it all these months." "Hmm." Kanika had been kneeling her head on my shoulder until this moment. On hearing my question she turned her head towards me. "I just want somebody who loves me truly. Somebody, who does not make me wake up the next day feeling cheated." "You basically want a true friend," I said. There was only one objective behind saying this. I had borne the true friend tag in her life. By saying this, I had informed her that I was what she was looking for. We were way too close now to leave any scope of curiosity. My arm was around her shoulder and it was as if the moment itself had decided what was going to happen next. Touching the skin on her face with my hand made me realize how hard my hands were. For a moment I wondered if she would pull back. But as I said, it wasn't me or she who had decided it. It was the moment itself. Our noses almost touched. I could smell her lip gloss and she must have smelt my after shave. Our
lips started moving closer. This was happening now. We were approaching each other. Kanika opened her lips. But it was not for kissing just yet. She wanted to say something more. "Basically," she said "I want somebody who I can know inside out and still respect as a person." My lips touched her lower lip, moistening it. We gave into everything that had been building up since the moment I had first seen her. I had been in love with Kanika for as long as I had known her. And this was the culmination of everything. This was the moment when we graduated from being a pair of friends to two souls madly in love. Meanwhile, our feeble touch also graduated onto a passionate kiss. A mere contact graduated onto biting each other's lips. My hands ran up along her back. I felt the smoothness of the skin and some shackles inside me broke down. I had been waiting way too long for this moment. My hands reached her hair and my fingers buried inside. It seemed too much like a dream. I looked at her and tried to convince myself that this was actually happening. It was too good to be true. I bared her shoulder and planted a kiss on it. Her body wriggled at the sensation. I felt her collar bone on my lips. I had always been crazy about that collar bone. I was ecstatic. My hands explored her body and her hands ran over my chest, feeling the tight muscle and the short strands of hair. She untucked my shirt and pulled it over my shoulders, asking me to raise my arms. She kissed my chest and my cheeks, as my hands went for her blouse. Her other shoulder was bared and I felt her body against mine. We were now separate entities only physically. Otherwise, there can't be a more elaborate unison. I got to see the whole of her. There is no point even trying to think of adjectives for her. She was the definition of beauty, the epitome of perfection. To find a flaw in her, was doubting God's capability. I felt so satiated that I could have died in peace on seeing her. When we made love, I was in denial. Can life really be this blissful? What really surprised me was my own reaction. I had imagined this moment a thousand times. I had imagined I would break down. Disintegrate and start crying like a girl. Or get paranoid with pleasure and do something insane. Or for all you know, I might be let down. But when it actually happened, my brain was too busy being in love with Kanika. She was the woman of my dreams. Until now, I had been confused whether this was love, what I felt for Kanika. But this set all my doubts to rest. If this wasn't love, then nothing ever would be.
It was now officially my First Love. And it was still Tuesday. A Tuesday which started and ended in completely different fashion. I would remember the day forever for being the day when I finally got Kanika. We both slept off, holding tightly onto each other. My heart was racing. I could not have been happier, ever in life. I looked at her lying next to me, like an angel who had come to fulfil all my life's wishes with the swish of a wand.
was woken up by the knocking on my door. "Who's this?" I cried. "Roy. Wake up bastard. You bunked practice," he shouted. Practice? It took a while to register which practice he was talking about. And then I remembered that I had a tennis tournament round the corner. I opened my eyes and got the shock of my while. Lying right next to me was Kanika, naked. And Roy was breathing down my door, about to break it open if he could. "I was drinking till late. Let me sleep for a while," I said. I was hoping he would leave without making me open the door. "Shut up and open the door." I poked Kanika to wake her up. "Hey, my roommate is standing at the door," I told her. Kanika opened her eyes and instantaneously started putting back her clothes. She was completely dressed in a minute. I got up from the bed and opened the door. Roy entered and saw Kanika in my room at seven in the morning. She was embarrassed. He must have obviously processed everything in his head. He smiled. He was happy for the two of us. Kanika was way too embarrassed by now. She decided to leave with a smile. Roy couldn't stop smiling even after she left. "Finally," Roy said and smiled. I smiled back. The room was getting way too smilie now. "We need to plan our trip to Goa for the tennis tournament," Roy said. "Do we really have to go?" Until today, I had jumped at every mention of Goa. We had been waiting
for this trip for a long time. But now, things had changed. There were things pinning me down to Delhi. "Stop being a romantic bastard, Samar. Where else will we get train fair, free accommodation for Goa and also the attendance for all the lectures that we miss?" "I know... but... "Why don't you ask her to come along as well?" Roy suggested. And suddenly, I was looking forward to the Goa trip all over again.
I called up Kanika to discuss the possibility. She loved the idea of coming along for Goa. "Awesome idea. But I don't want to tell Mom that I'm going. We will have to travel on a very low budget," Kanika said. The train left New Delhi Railway Station at four in the afternoon. The ticket checker came in at six. Kanika offered him five hundred rupees and he ignored Kanika as if she had never been there. Kanika and I started chatting, sitting in a corner in the train. As the night fell out, the people in the compartment dozed off one after the other. Roy also followed suit and felt asleep around ten. That left ust Kanika and me. Kanika and I were together on the middle berth on the train. There was little space. We couldn't sit straight because our head would then bump into the berth above ours. We could not lie down because there wasn't enough space. We were semi-sitting and semi-lying at the same time. Every bit of it was romantic. In fact, there was nothing unromantic when I was with Kanika. "It is our first night together in a public place," Kanika said. "Yeah. But it is a night together nonetheless," I replied, looking at her. "You know what that means?" "What?" "That I would be within a few inches of you all night and you can't do anything naughty. You will smell my perfume, my breath will mix with yours, and my hair will rub against your cheeks," she said. I didn't mind as long as she was next to me. I kept staring at her, hoping Goa was a little further. At that time, I wouldn't have cared if Goa was in Australia and this train journey could go on forever.
Next morning, we reached the hotel's address we had been given in Goa. My eyes were no less dazzled. I turned around and looked at Kanika. She had shrunk her nose in disgust. "What's wrong? You don't like the room?" I asked. "There is a cobweb in that corner," she said. "In a room so perfect with all the upholstery they could have found in Goa, all you saw was a cobweb?" "You like this room Samar, because you haven't seen better ones. I have." I didn't reply. I was busy imagining myself making love to Kanika on that good looking bed. "Now let me go to the washroom," she said. "I need a shower." Kanika came out of the washroom an hour later. She looked polished. I had to pinch myself to believe that this thing was in love with me. The air of Goa had hit her. Every girl becomes five times hotter the moment she lands her foot on the Goan soil. The same had happened to Kanika, if that was even possible! "So? Where do we start?" I asked coming close to her. I was talking about kissing her. "I don't know. Let me take that cupboard and you take that cupboard," Kanika replied. For a second I thought she was joking. But soon I realized that she wasn't. She was serious. She was talking about unpacking. That was the moment I realized how difficult it is to share a place with a girl. I mean, it is one thing to have a friend over to your room all day. But to actually live with her in the same room is a different thing altogether. The only thing they always think about is cleanliness. I started unpacking. "Hey, I will just wash my face and come," I said. "Justme. make sure you don't splash water all over the washroom when you do that," Kanika yelled behind That was the first and the only time ever that I wished I was not madly in love with her. But I smiled and tried my best to not splash the water all over the washroom.
The matches began on the first day itself. The tournament was to be finished within three days, which implied only one thing, a hectic schedule. Roy and I won the first two rounds of the tournament without much sweat. These matches weren't played in the friendliest of environments. That meant there was plenty of bad mouthing going on. That made me even more desperate to win. I just wanted to see their expression after the match when Kanika,
the hottest girl in the arena, would hug me and congratulate me for the match. We won both the rounds. I wish I could show you pictures of their faces. And then came the semi-finals. The opponents were from Hindu College from Delhi University. Now Hindu had been a famous rival for many years. There was more pride than usual riding on this one now. They had beaten us last year, which upped the stakes even further. It was the same team as last year from Hindu as well. I really wanted to beat those guys. "I really want you to win this," Kanika said, just before the match. Everybody standing around the court was watching. So were the opponents. They were a nasty bunch of boys. My game had spiralled down from great to rather ordinary. I knew what had gone wrong. I had tried too hard. With Kanika watching, I had put too much pressure on myself to prove I was a good player. We lost the game, the semi-finals. The opponents gave us an earful which only worsened the situation. Kanika and I came back to our hotel. Once we were inside the room, the same thing struck us both. There could not have been a better opportunity of a shower together. We bolted the door behind us. I got out of my sweaty clothes leaving only my boxers on. Both of us motioned towards the shower, much more exotic than the one in our room, back in Delhi. Kanika turned on the water, with her clothes still on. The gush of cold water sent a gush of hormones rushing through our bodies. The heat of her body in the cold water was maddening. I kissed her wet neck and nibbled on her earlobe. I saw the expression on her face and confirmed that she was as much in love as I was. My hands ran along her spine. My fingers reached for her bra and I opened it with one hand. And then pulling apart, I pulled the straps off her body as the water poured on both of us. I bent down kissing the whole of her body. We wrapped ourselves against each other, growing madder with every drop touching us. I was in love and love could not be any deeper. Losing the tennis match could not have affected me any lesser. At least it implied that I reached the room before Roy did. Soon, all our clothes came off. I couldn't wait to make love to her. I looked at her in the eye, in a way saying that this was it. Just as I was about to, the worst thing possible happened. Our doorbell rang. It must have been Roy. "Give us five minutes," I shouted as Kanika and I began to wipe our bodies and get dressed.
What we were doing inside, was only left to his imagination. I opened the door once we were dry and dressed enough. He entered and tried not to carry out an inspection of what was happening inside. Roy was as embarrassed as we were.
It had been a strange fortnight. On one hand, a lot had happened in my love life. On the other hand, the much anticipated tennis tournament had wrapped up today. Amongst all this, I almost forgot that I was in Goa, with the woman of my dreams and I should be doing what Goa was made for. Partying. Kanika and I went for a walk in the evening, as the two of us sat on the beach, seeing the sun go down into the sea. The walk had an amazing feeling. The perfect ambience and the perfect company. It couldn't get any better. After the walk, we came back to our room to dress up for the party. I knew what I was wearing but I was more excited about seeing what she would be wearing. I got ready in a hurry and waited for her to get done. I decided to wait outside so that I would get to see her only when she was completely done. And I waited outside with bated breath, to see the sight which will blow me away. And then she walked out. A smooth black dress, starting from under her arms and flowing across her body until her thighs. It was that kind of a dress, which very few people can carry off. But those who can, pop out eye balls wherever they go. Kanika really owned the dress. It was a symbiotic relationship between the two of them. She made the dress look good and the dress made her look great. She came closer and I saw that she had done her hair straight. Her eyes seemed deeper than usual but I couldn't exactly place the reason. Her face, fairer than the sand on the beach. Her features, like a poet's imagination. She looked ravishing. I loved her. And more importantly, she loved me. We went to the Anjuna Beach and we had only one agenda on our mind. Each other. The music was nice and pleasant. We took our drinks and grabbed a corner. We weren't really dancing. We were just hugging and swaying to the music. It was as if I was consuming her. It was as if I was fortunate to deserve her time. Kanika requested a passing waiter for a glass of Mojito. I turned my head and looked at Kanika. I felt like saying something romantic and it must have shown in my eyes. Because she said exactly that. "Say something romantic," she said. "I don't talk romantic."
"But I want to hear exactly what you are thinking right now." "No," I said. She kept looking at me and made a small face, the most lethal request she could have made. I had to succumb. "Sometimes I really wonder," I said to her, "that why don't so many people realize how wonderful you are? I mean that waiter just came and gave you a Mojito and left. How can he not realize that he was delivering the glass of Mojito to such a wonderful person? How can he not see what I am seeing? How can he not see something so obvious?" Kanika smiled at me. "And you know what?" I asked her. "What?" "Being capable of seeing what he can't, makes me feel special." Kanika looked at me when I said that. She closed her eyes and moved her head forward. Her lips touched mine. It wasn't really a kiss. You can call it a lip to lip contact or maybe the laziest kiss in the world. "Mr Samar, sometimes you really scare me," she said, as she moved her head back. "Scare you?" "You scare me that I may not feel this wonderful ever again in my life," she said. There was nothing left to be said or thought. Every time I looked at her, it left me little choice. I had to kiss her. I was on a beach in Goa, in a party full of people. So it was okay to kiss. My brain was too incapable to carry out any sort of analysis anyway. To cut a long story short, we started kissing, on a windy beach; a ravishing looking girl kissed a guy next door. Our lips broke off and I looked at her. My left hand pinched my right hand to check if it was real. It was real. It was actually happening.
"Tell me something about you Samar," Kanika said to me, as we sat on the beach. "You know everything there is to know about me."
"No, I mean, I know everything there is to know after I met you. Tell me something from the time before I met you." "What do you want to know? My father is a lawyer, who has worked for several companies. He has always loved his work and he wants to be good at whatever he does. And he has done pretty well too." "Okay. So you love him, right?" "Yeah, I love him. But I could have loved him more. I haven't seen as much of him as many other people do," I said. "And your Mom?" "My Mom is the most adjustable person in the world. Whatever my Dad says is acceptable to her. Wherever Dad wants to live is the best place for her. Whatever Dad wants to eat is the best food for her. She is the sweetest lady ever," I said. I was reflecting on my childhood days, when Dad was still in India. Those were good days. I was quite carefree. I wish I could go back to them.
he next morning, we took the return train. Kanika was back to her cleanliness freak version. She refused to use the bed sheets provided in the train. She put her towel on the pillows provided by the Railway even though the pillows had white covers on them. And in the morning, there was no question of using the train's toilet. We reached back Delhi and finally, we didn't have to be roommates now. It was so much better to have Kanika as a guest in my room than as a roommate. Life began to go on as usual. Kanika and I began to get used to each other. Initially, she had applied an undue pressure on me. I used to push myself to be funny and smart. Gradually, the pressure disappeared. And then, we came back to being two best friends. I mean, we were still in love. Just that when I hung out with her, it was much like I was hanging out with my best friend. And then, on a lazy Sunday evening, I had a baseless urge to do something for her. My guitar skills were far from being capable of making anyone feel good. I am inherently a very untalented person. That left few options. I saw the writing pad in front of me and thought of writing a few lines for her. I picked the pad and visualized her face in front of me. And tried to write.
I wrote. I read it and I liked what I read. I liked it because it was an honest portrayal of what I felt for her. But Still, I was too shy to give it to her. Or maybe I was too cool to do such a thing. There was a knock on the door. It was Kanika. I tore the page and hid it in the guitar's cover. She had begun to come over to my room for no reason. Just to hang out. But we didn't have much to talk about today. It was too lazy a Sunday. After the initial pleasantries, both of us were mostly silent. It was that part of the semester. There were no exams around. No major assignments. No competitions or anything to keep us busy. We were officially supposed to hang out and kill our days.
Naturally, we were a little bored. So we were sitting in my room and doing nothing. We were not even talking. In a relationship, there are fun days, there are romantic days and then there are days of boredom when the inactivity just kills you. This was one such day. It is not like we were not talking because we had a fight. We were not talking because we had nothing to talk about that evening. "Samar," Kanika said with as little energy as she could muster. "Kanika." "I am bored." "The feeling is mutual." "I am so bored I could listen to you playing the guitar," Kanika said. I liked the sound of that. I had finally bought a guitar from Zeeshan. He wanted to gift it to me. But I had insisted on paying for it. So I took out the guitar from a corner of the room and unzipped its cover. I handed over the cover to Kanika and held the guitar. Kanika started fidgeting with the cover. I knew Kanika would hate whatever I would play and I didn't blame her for it because let's accept it - I was really bad at it. I decided to play a lead sequence for a Hindi song. I narrowed all my concentration on the fret board of the guitar and got ready to pluck the first string. "What is this?" Kanika interrupted me. She had opened another zip of the guitar cover and taken out a piece of paper from it. It was the sheet on which I had written those lines for her. I was silent. I didn't know what to say. "There is something hand written on it," Kanika said as I looked for a place to hide my face.
"Wow. What emotion. I can so feel it in the lines," she said. I nodded, smiling. "Have you written them, Samar?" she asked. "No, no. I am not that romantic," I said. There was something about accepting that I was such a
romantic. I don't know why, I felt really strange. On hindsight, I believe it was a mistake. If this was how I felt for her, she deserved to know it. "Then? Where did you buy that guitar?" "From my coach, Zeeshan," I said. "Oh, so he must have written these," she said. I didn't want to own up to these lines but the thought that Kanika thought Zeeshan had written them was painful. "That guy who you say is good for nothing?" she asked. "Yeah. The same." "He is definitely a better writer than he is a teacher," Kanika said. "I can play all the chords. And it's only been a month!" "I want to meet this guy." "Seriously? There is nothing worth meeting in him, though." "He seems interesting to me. Also, I need new friends, Samar. I am so bored that I look forward to grocery shopping." "Okay. Let's go then," I said. "Are you serious?" "Yeah. Let's go." Kanika sat up straight on hearing that. She loved it when I talked about going somewhere. She was ust too much of an outdoor person for me. She was still oblivious to the pleasures of staying indoors and doing nothing for weeks. Kanika and I walked to Zeeshan's place. We are not the kind of people who hold hands, walking on the road. But if we were, we would have definitely held it then. I led her to a broken house. That was not the kind of place she had expected to be led. It was so unexpected for her that she just didn't consider the possibility that Zeeshan actually lived there. She thought I had brought her somewhere else. "What are we doing here? You just want to make out in a broken house, don't you?" Kanika asked. "This is where Zeeshan lives."
"Here?" "Here." "Did he inherit it from his great grandfather?" she asked. Kanika opened the decrepitude door. It made a creaking sound and some dust shifted on the door. She must have had second thoughts about meeting this guy. I followed her inside. Meanwhile, Kanika fervently searched for a place which was clean enough for her to keep her handbag. "Hey Zeeshan" I said, as I walked into his living room. "Look who have I got along?" "Hi. Oh so you are Kanika. Must say you justify the hype!" Zeeshan said. Kanika smiled and moved into the house. The floor creaked under her foot and made a strange sound. Both of us looked at Zeeshan but we realized we had just embarrassed him by doing so. "My house is not used to pretty girls," Zeeshan remarked at the sound. Kanika smiled broader. Kanika and I settled down in a seat. "I will just be back," Zeeshan said and left for the kitchen. He returned two minutes later with a tray. He served the tea to the two of us but spilled the tray after serving. He was unusually clumsy today. The reason was obvious. Kanika could make anyone nervous. Zeeshan had obviously not been around any women in recent years. "I am sorry. But just like the house, I am not used to pretty girls either," he said and then I saw it. In weeks of knowing Zeeshan, this was the first time that I saw him smile. It was so out of place. It almost spoiled the aura he radiated. Suddenly, he looked like a mere mortal, like any other. Kanika laughed out loud. In one sentence, Zeeshan had given her a compliment and covered his clumsiness. He was a charmer. "I don't believe that. Awesome guitaring, decent looks, you must have been the college heartthrob," she smiled and asked. That smile was enough to make any heart bleed. Zeeshan's heart was a fragile one. Such a smile could cause catastrophe in his heart. "Not really... Just a few performances here and there, that's it," he said. It was pretty obvious that he was being modest. His college fest videos on YouTube had tens of thousands of visits. I was sure he was a little celebrity in his college. butuntil I noticed it was one of her only meant one thing. That she did Kanika not likesmiled Zeeshan now.that I wondered why but forced then I smiles. looked That around Zeeshan's house. The house was a mess. Zeeshan had thrown reasons to be disliked all around. Kanika can fall in love with the dumbest man in the world but she can never like an unclean man.
"Which college did you go to, Zeeshan?" Kanika asked Zeeshan on hearing his claim. "Well, those were good years. I went to Maulana Azad Medical College for my MBBS. I had worked really hard for two years to get into it. And then when I was finished..." Zeeshan stopped midsentence. "So are you saying that you are actually a doctor?" Kanika asked with genuine surprise in her voice. Zeeshan smiled. He saw the surprise in Kanikas voice and the obviousness in her voice made him smile. Even I couldn't believe it. Zeeshan could not possibly have been a doctor. I thought he was just an exceptionally sharp 12`h pass or something. But doctor! MAMC! "Then what are you doing here?" "Things don't always go as planned, Kanika... Anyway, let me get you something to eat." Zeeshan got started with making dinner and the two of us took our chairs to the kitchen. Kanika had dropped the forced smile. It had been replaced by a genuine one. She was beginning to like Zeeshan. Inside the dirty exterior that he maintained, there lived a very polished a sophisticated fellow. His hair might be long and shabby. His beard might be unkempt. But he was one educated guy. Kanika decided to look beyond the sketchy exterior. Zeeshan couldn't stop blabbering as he prepared dinner. And every time I had met him before this, he had been a reckless fellow who didn't give a fuck about anything. He always had the same expression on his face. It was plain, which showed no excitement, joy or sadness. He never said anything with his face. But today, he was different. He seemed excited and happy. He made a visible effort to be funny. It was as if he had become a new person overnight. Only Kanika can carry out such a transformation. "So this one time, we were ragging our juniors, the poor guy had just joined the medical college. And we shut him in the mortuary, where the hospital stored dead bodies for a complete night. In the morning, the guy was horrified. But then, one week later, he came up to us and thanked us because after that night, he never got scared in any dissection," Zeeshan said as he carried at his chores in the kitchen. As he spoke, my thoughts were plagued by him. He was certainly a bright guy and was capable of so much in his life, then, why was he living in this decrepitude? He was meant for things so much bigger. I looked at Kanika and I could see her thoughts loudly resonating with mine. She was thinking the same. This guy was being wasted in this mess. "So, how is it going between the two of you?" Zeeshan asked. "It's going good," Kanika replied. "Samar is... nice." Zeeshan let the thought hang in the air. And then he went back to the kitchen to get more stuff to eat.
Kanika and Zeeshan really hit it off. I could see they were going to become great friends in the days to come. The dinner was awesome. Kanika and Zeeshan seemed truly interested in each other by now. They had truly hit it off. It felt good. I had brought out a completely new person in Zeeshan. And Kanika would be lesser bored of life now. "Do you really play the guitar as good as you claim?" Kanika asked Zeeshan. "I think I do. Let's go to the terrace and let me play something for you," Zeeshan offered. "Now that's a fabulous idea," Kanika said. Kanika struggled with the decayed wooden stairs for a while. They looked as if they would collapse any moment. But she managed to struggle her way to the terrace. The wind was nice and pleasant. The terrace was no less dingy than the house. It looked like it hadn't been swept for a century. Kanika and I sat down with our backs against the boundary of the terrace. My arm was around her back and she was half cuddling onto me and half leaning against my chest. We must have looked like two people madly in love. Zeeshan picked his guitar and struck a chord. Kanika and I braced up for what he was going to play. It really couldn't have gotten any more romantic than it already was. Zeeshan moved his fingers on the guitar like a magician.
Every word coming out of Zeeshan's mouth filled my chest with love for Kanika. I looked at her and sitting there in the moonlight on the terrace in front of Zeeshan. I kissed her. Kanika broke off the kiss as if she had had a thought. I realized she wanted to say something. "Hey Zeeshan, I was thinking," she said "Why don't you try to put your life back together." "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean. You are one sharp guy, capable of so much more than what you are doing right now. Come on, stop wasting yourself for heavens' sake," she said. Zeeshan looked down. He could not establish eye contact immediately. He thought long and hard about his answer. "I can't do a job. Not even if I want to because no one will fucking give me one," he said with finality. Zeeshan had mustered the courage to mouth his biggest insecurity. I was amazed that he had managed to open up so much in front of Kanika. I was sure he and I would have known each other for years and still not had such a strong discussion. There was silence. Zeeshan had been as stolid as a rock until our last meeting. And today, he had shown a full rainbow of emotions. "Why don't you start a guitar school?" Kanika asked softly, breaking the silence. I have to admit, wastwo onetogether. hell of an idea. IGuitar wondered whyWhat? I never of it I..." before. It was as simple as putting twoit and "What? school? Butthought where will Zeeshan said and stopped mid-sentence. "You just need to say yes, Zeeshan. Everything else will fall in place," she said.
He thought long and hard about it. Kanika and I were staring straight at him, waiting with anticipation of the next words coming out of his mouth. Kanika and I realized we were making him nervous. "You can think about it," she said. "No, no. I don't have to. See, it's not like I am really busy to give this a try. So hell! Let's do this," Zeeshan said. This was the first time I had seen any sort of excitement in his voice. "Great then!" Kanika said. "Samar and I will come tomorrow morning to get it started. I hope you know where we need to start, Zeeshan." "Marketing, right?" Zeeshan said. "Shut up. We need to start with cleaning this house!" Kanika said. Once it was decided, we came back to the music. As Kanika and I lay our back against the wall, we looked upwards at the sky and the stars. Zeeshan started playing the guitar blankly. He wasn't singing now. He was just playing the guitar with insome his head. Therehave was fingers something hisWhile fingers. I mean, I have severalget guitarists play. nothing But then, just don't fast about enough. others falter whenseen the chords tough. But Zeeshan was flawless and he was accurate. Being beside Kanika with that background music was more intoxicating than I could have handled. I looked at her. I knew she had turned around my life. I knew she was definitely going to turn around Zeeshan's. But when I looked at her, I could not get my eyes off her. They were struck. They were riveted. "If you see a shooting star," I said to her "Then make sure you pray for something. Those things must work. Because if they didn't, I wouldn't have found you."
The next morning, Kanika and I dressed up in the dirtiest clothes we had. I met her at around seven in the morning. She had that look on her face; the look said that she was a girl on a mission that day. "We must be really motivated about this to have woken up at six," I said. "We surely are. We are about to change a life," Kanika said. "I sure hope so," I said. We reached Zeeshan's house and he was waiting for us with a broad smile on his face. Another first.
"It's good to see that even you are wearing your dirtiest shirt, Zeeshan. We have a lot of work to do..." Kanika said on seeing him. "What are you talking about? This is my cleanest shirt," Zeeshan said.
"So where do we start?" Kanika asked. "I think we need to start from shopping," Zeeshan said. "We will need stuff if we have to turn around this place." "So let's start from making a list of things we are going to need." So we set about making a list of things we needed to make that place presentable. Once we had procured the things, we started to work on the house. It took us three full days to do whatever we had in our mind. We cleaned the walls and then painted them. We rubbed the floor clean to remove layers of dust on them. We dusted the furniture. We talked to our friends to donate some furniture. Things kind of fell in place. It was quite an adventure. All throughout, the only thing I noticed was that I had never seen Zeeshan or Kanika as happy as they looked bringing the house back to life. It was as if they were relishing every bit of it. Zeeshan had found a new hope in life. Kanika was just generally a nice person who relished the new mission in her life. The turnaround in Zeeshan's life only made it more special. But at the end of it, the place looked decent. Kanika, Zeeshan and I had a look around the house once we were done cleaning it. All three of us came and sat in the big hall. This was where the guitar classes were going to be held. It definitely looked clean. It made you feel like entering. It was good enough to get us started. We had painted the walls and put a clean table and some chairs. The thing which really made the room come alive was the walls. The walls had Zeeshan's guitar collection hanging on them. They definitely looked stylish and made up for everything lacking in the room. "Okay, so what next?" Zeeshan said. "Well, now we have to design a board to be hung outside your house. I will paint it myself," Kanika said. Zeeshan looked stunned. He hadn't expected it will turn out so well and we will put in so much effort to make it happen.
He came forward and gave me a hug. And then he hugged Kanika as well. They had totally hit it off. I already felt that I had been demoted to being Zeeshan's second best friend after Kanika. I didn't mind. It took us a total of four days to get a man's life up and running. Now, all we had to do was - wait for people to start coming in. This was where our purpose was fulfilled. We could move on with our lives. It was Zeeshan's baby now. "Thank you so much, guys. I promise I will try not to forget you when I become very rich. I believe this is it," Zeeshan said. "No, no. This is not it, Zeeshan. There is one more thing that needs to be done. You need to shave and get a haircut," Kanika said. "What? But this is my rocker look. Nobody looks good playing the guitar with short hair and a clean face," Zeeshan reacted. "Shut up! You are not going to be the bad boy guitarist. You are going to be the good boy businessman who is also the teacher of his school," Kanika said. Zeeshan nodded. He had no retort to that. I was sure that I could not have convinced him for doing this in a million hours. But Kanika had made him agree to give away what he loved the most, his hair. I looked at her, the angel and I got thinking. Would I still love her the same way if she was an evil beauty?
oy had been exceptionally busy recently. The college felt was round the corner and he was a member of the core organizing committee. On the first day of the fest, he came to my room. "Wake up, Samar. Are you and Kanika coming to the fest this year?" he asked. "Obviously not, Roy. College fests are for kids," I said. "You're too cool for it, huh?" "It's not like that, man. I just get bored. It is just a bunch of kids jumping around," I said. "So where are you going?" Roy asked. "Well, the only good thing about the fest is that we have no classes. So Kanika and I were planning to visit Zeeshan." "Okay... But why?" "We wanted to find out how his guitar classes are doing. It's been two weeks since we set them up. Both of us are really curious as to how they are shaping," I said. Kanika and I left for Zeeshan's place at four in the evening. We had high hopes. We had put considerable effort in getting the place up and running. I was genuinely curious to see the result. A part of me was praying that I will enter a room with seven to eight students. I had pictured a neater, smiling Zeeshan telling them the nuances with as much sincerity as he had told me. I entered the flat and I saw a scene which was absolutely contrary. The flat was deserted. Zeeshan was sleeping. Clearly, he hadn't shaved since Kanika had forced him to. It seemed things still hadn't shaped the way we had hoped. For some reason, nobody had turned up for classes at Zeeshan's door. Our imaginary revelry ended that very moment. All these days, we had been feeding on the euphoria that we had set up a great business in just four days. Apparently, it took more than this to set up a flourishing business. Kanika woke him up.
"What happened, Zeeshan?' Kanika asked. "Oh hi, Kanika. How are you? Let me freshen up..." Zeeshan said. He washed up and came back a good fifteen minutes later. "Good morning," Zeeshan said as he walked in. "How are you guys doing?" "So how many students have registered?" Kanika asked him straight away. "None," Zeeshan said, with disappointment in his voice. "What? Why?" "I don't know. I guess people have viewed this house as a shithole for way too long to expect anything good out of it," Zeeshan said. Kanika and I did not know what to say. If we had such high hopes from the plans, Zeeshan had his life depending on it. It was a much bigger disappointment for him. "I know what is wrong," Kanika said. "People just don't know how good you are. We need to tell them that you are good." "And how are we going to do that?" Zeeshan replied. "Well, I do have an idea," Kanika said and looked at me, as if I knew what she was talking about. I didn't. "And what is that?" "Give us a day, Zeeshan." We left Zeeshan's place and I had only one question for Kanika. "What do you have in mind?" "Our college fest," Kanika said. "You mean you want Zeeshan to play in our fest? And how do you plan on getting him on the stage?" I asked. "Roy." "You think Roy will help? He might be a great friend but he loves the fest more than anything. He would never let somebody on the stage, especially when he has never heard him play," Kanika said. "Let's talk to him, Samar. You never know what can happen," Kanika said, optimistically.
Roy was busy making the final arrangements for the big fashion parade of the night. The Fashion Parade at the fest was the biggest event of the year. It was much anticipated, not only in our college, but the whole university. The moment I saw the setup, I realized the stupidity in what I was going to say. Asking Roy to devote a five minute slot for Zeeshan sounded insane even to me. Kanika and I cornered Roy to talk to him. "Guys," Roy said. "This better be important because I am really busy. The Fashion Parade starts in ust an hour." "It is important, Roy," Kanika said. "A life depends on what we are going to talk." "What do you mean?" "You know Zeeshan, right? The guy was wretched until last week. And now he needs your help to get a life" Kanika told him everything about Zeeshan. "What can I do about it?" Roy asked. said."He needs a ten minute slot in today's Fashion Parade to show everyone how good he is," Kanika Roy freaked out. "Are you kidding me? We have invested a month in making sure that we plan every second of this event. And now you want me to give Zeeshan a ten minute slot? You have got to be kidding me," Roy said. "We are not. There must be some way," I said. paper, Samar? ThisAnd is tonight's minute this paper hasRoy taken and"You hourssee of this practice and planning. now youschedule. want meEvery to insert a tenonminute slot?" saidhours and left, fuming with anger. "Now what do we do?" Kanika asked. "Well, let's make Zeeshan take a shower and come here anyway. You never know what kind of things work out at the last minute," I said. "You really are one optimistic person," she said. Zeeshan himTalking do things no one into else coming could. to the fest with his guitar was another task. But Kanika could make The event began and the fairest and the tallest girls in the whole university started walking the ramp in shiny short clothes. It was quite a sight. Guys whistled and made videos on their phones. The girls
smiled and ignored the audience. It was a rowdy audience. They had installed barricades to ensure that none of the loafers actually climb the stage and interfere with the performance. We were standing together behind the stage. We introduced Zeeshan to Roy. In spite of our pleading, Roy was unmoved. Back stage is a busy place during any Fashion Parade. Girls and guys were walking with great poise and finesse on the stage. The same people assumed chaos once they were out of the limelight. Once all the catwalks were done, it was time for some performances. These performances are planned to fill the time when the Fashion Parade is over but the results are not compiled yet. It was time for a dance group to take the stage. The group went on stage. Just then, Roy's phone rang. Kanika and I were hearing with great intent. "What do you mean the results are not ready?" "Okay, just tell me how much more time do the judges need to process the results?" "Fifteen minutes? Are you serious? Fifteen minutes to just carry out some basic calculations?" "Now where do I get a fifteen-minute filler for this crazy audience?" Roy said. Kanika and I exchanged a glance. This was our chance. It was a message from up above. The fifteen minute filler for the audience was going to be Zeeshan. It was so perfect that we could hardly believe it was happening. Even before we could say anything, Roy approached Zeeshan himself. "Will you be able to do this?" Roy asked. "I have handled bigger crowds," Zeeshan said. "Okay, play a song for me, right now, right here," Roy said. Zeeshan was taken aback. But he picked his guitar anyway a plucked a string. Just then, the crowd started making a noise. Zeeshan looked at the crowd and grew nervous. "Okay, okay... You have twelve minutes on the stage and you can do whatever you want. Just don't let me down," Roy said. Zeeshan picked his guitar and looked at Kanika. "This one's for you," Zeeshan said to her, as he climbed the stage. Roy took the mike and entered with him. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have Zeeshan to play in front of you tonight. He is an upcoming talent who has played for many years. I am sure you will love him. So everybody, a big hand for
Zeeeeeeshaaaaan," Roy announced on the stage. Roy stepped down from the stage and looked at us. His eyes seemed to say, `He better be good.' "Thanks, Roy," I said, as we looked on for Zeeshan to start.
Zeeshan played the same song he had played to Kanika and me a week back. The song seemed to come out perfect on the mike. He was just playing his own guitar and there was no other form of music. The song ended and we waited for the crowd's reaction. The crowd applauded but the reaction was not as superlative as I had imagined in my head. To me, that was one of the best performances I had seen recently. But the audience gave him a lukewarm ovation. Zeeshan had twelve minutes on the stage. That meant he could play one more song. I was hoping his second song would be better. He tightened his grip on the guitar and plucked the string of his guitar to announce he was starting. "Chura liya hai..." he sang and the crowd erupted. I understood that very moment that what was wrong with his first song. His first song was a great song which I had always loved. But this audience had never heard it. Eric Clapton was way too sophisticated for them. They could not relate to the song and hence could not appreciate it. They could not sing along and hence did not enjoy it. On the other hand, they had all heard `churn liya hai...' They all knew the song. They all loved it. Zeeshan sang the full song and the crowd erupted. Everybody came up on their feet and started swaying with the music. It was more than evident that Zeeshan was a hit in this audience. That he looked nice only helped his cause. The song ended and the ovation went on for a while. The crowd was shouting "Once more, Once more" which is the ultimate mark of appreciation. Clearly, Zeeshan was a hit. Zeeshan turned around to check with Roy if he could play the song once again. Roy nodded. Zeeshan picked his guitar again and started the song. Kanika and I looked at each other. Our job was done. At the end of the performance, Zeeshan will announce his classes and he should get people to attend his classes in a day or two.
It was a mission well accomplished. I held Kanika's hand and pulled her. "Where are you taking me?" she asked me. "Just come," I said and pulled her inside the college building. The lights were off and the place looked spooky. We entered the lecture hall where we had attended classes all these years. I closed the door behind me. Zeeshan's voice was clearly audible inside the lecture hall. The song "churl liya hai tumne..." was still on. It took the romance in the air to a whole new level. I was in the same hall where I had spent hours and hours of my life. And yet, the room looked completely different today. Every time I had walked into this room before this, I had wanted to run away. But today, there was no place I would rather be. I kissed Kanika on the shoulder. And then, I slowly pulled her T-shirt and bra off, freeing her breasts. She threw her head backwards, offering me her neck. She felt my heated breath wherever I kissed her. Hurriedly, I reached for the button of her jeans. Looking into her eyes, I slowly opened it. Still looking at her, I ran my hand over her tummy, her navel and her hip bone. It was a gorgeous feeling. I must have been a very noble man in my last birth to be doing this. My body was damp because of perspiration in that dark room. I made perfect love to her. There was no hurriedness. Neither was it too gradual. Everything was perfect, even the background music in Zeeshan's voice. We were lost into each other. There cannot be a deeper emotion than the love I was feeling for her. When Zeeshan's performance ended, the audience applauded for a good ninety seconds before he could speak on the mike. And then he announced his guitar classes and his phone number so that people could approach him for the classes. I hoped this would set things right. I kept staring at Kanika. She was an angel. We were lost in each other. The romance was only disturbed by Kanika's phone. It was Zeeshan, still high on the performance. We got dressed and went to meet him. He had never looked happier and I could say with enough confidence that he never would again. Kanika was smiling too. It was the most refreshing smile there ever was. This was when it struck me for the first time. Zeeshan had developed a crush on Kanika. I did not blame him. People had had crushes on Kanika for much lesser. In Zeeshan's life, Kanika was a revelation. If anyone ever had a reason to fall in love with her, it was him.
This was the first time I was seeing such a phenomenon. I learnt something about myself at that moment. I realized that I was not insecure at all. In fact, it seemed very natural that Zeeshan would have a crush on Kanika. Nobody could spend a week around her and not fall in love with her. I knew there was no cause of worry.
liked the way life was shaping. Zeeshan was a good friend and Kanika was a dream. Every day, I got up and there was only one question facing me. How will I have maximum fun today? It was a good phase of life. Kanika mentioned her mom more often, now that I knew her. And I made a mental note of not talking too much about her. But still, I loved bumping into her whenever she would come to pick up Kanika, driving her own Honda Accord. She radiated an aura which just told you that she was not an ordinary person like you and me. She was a celebrity and she looked it. It was a Saturday evening when I next deliberately bumped into her. She was picking Kanika to attend a wedding. And hence she was dressed up and so was Kanika. She was wearing an elegant pink sari with minimal but classy jewellery. I could see light makeup on her face. "Hello Aunty," I said on seeing her. "Hi Samar. Haven't seen you in a while. How are you?" "I am good, Aunty. How are you? How are things at work?" "All's well. But I have to hurry now. We are getting late. Let's catch up in my party next week?" "Sounds great," I said. "It's a launch party of my new TV slot. Lots of famous people would be there. It's the most awaited Page 3 party next week. Why don't Kanika and you also come?" "Sure Aunty," I said. And I realized that Kanika made a face as I said this. She was pissed off. Clearly, she did not like attending such parties. "Great, then. I will see you next week." Kanika returned late in the night. She couldn't have gone back to the hostel so she came to my flat. Only a mom like Radhika Aunty could have allowed that. "How was the wedding?" I asked. "It was boring, as expected," she said. I could make out there was something wrong. And it wasn't ust the boring wedding which bothered her. "What is wrong?" I asked.
"What is wrong? Nothing is wrong," she said, defensively. "Tell me." "Why did you say yes to attend Mom's stupid party, Samar? They are more annoying than you can imagine." "What? To me, it seemed too good an offer to refuse." "You will understand what I am talking about once you go there." "What are you talking about?" "These parties are a bunch of losers. Everyone is trying to establish how inferior you are. We can never fit in those people." "It can't be that bad. At least it must be worth a try," I said. "We will only end up embarrassing ourselves and running in the middle of the party." "It will just be people, Kanika. And from what I gather, they will be respectable people who would be too busy to pay attention to us," I said, my voice was raising now. "There will be people who just love to establish their superiority whenever they meet someone," Kanika said. There was frustration in her voice. This was finally happening. Kanika and I were getting into our first fight. "They don't seem all that bad to me," I said. "You have seen them only on screens. I have grown up with them. I know what bastards they are!" "So why should it be such an issue? If they are bastards, then we don't have to go and talk to them. We will just hang out amongst ourselves," I said. "You don't know these media people. All of them are bastards," Kanika said. She was really agitated now. This was developing into a full blow fight. Our first one. "Oh that explains why you are behaving like this. Because in the heart of hearts, you are a media person too." "Then why do you let me come to your place at this hour, if you hate me so much?" Kanika shouted, this time. "I didn't invite you. You can leave if you want!" I reacted. "I would, definitely, if it was not for your stupid city where all girls are on house arrest after nine!" "Okay, fine then, I would leave. I just can't be in the same room as you, anyway," I said and started
motioning towards the gate. Kanika was staring at me, breathing heavily in anger. I picked up my phone and dashed for the door and banged it behind me, as I left. The moment I was outside the door, I stopped. I fervently thought of a legitimate reason to go back in. I checked my phone, it was in my pocket. I checked my wallet but it was not there. I had to go back in to pick my wallet. I opened the door and said, "I forgot my-" I was cut in between. Kanika jumped onto me and kissed me as passionately as she ever could. Her feet were around me and her eyes were tight shut. She kept kissing me on and on. I could feel the emotion in her grip around me. I was carrying her weight. She had given herself up to me.
Kanika's description made mebad a little nervous could, I really wondered how it could be. on the day of the party. As I dressed up the best that I We left for the party, ensuring we reached two hours after the scheduled time. And Kanika told me we would still be one of the first few to reach. We reached there and it was not a let-down. I had high expectations and the party hall totally lived up to them. None of the girls had dressed longer than their mid thighs. Almost every guy displayed a lifelong dedication to the gym. We looked for the only person we expected to know there - Radhika Aunty. And then I spotted her. She was wearing a ravishing red sari with a blouse which had as little cloth as a blouse can have. She was a journalist and she had to wear saris. But how she could add so much oomph to simple attire as a sari, was only amazing. Definitely, she overshadowed the chain of bare legs in the party convincingly. It was as if she was the light and others were just reflecting what they were receiving from her. It was as if the others could only dream to be who she was. "Hey Samar," Aunty said and hugged Kanika. "I am so glad you two came. I just want you to relax and have a good time." "Thanks Aunty," I beamed. Kanika stayed quiet, not concealing her disapproval of where she was. Radhika Aunty left to attend the other guests. It was just Kanika and I now. And lots of sophisticated and pseudo sophisticated people. And the worst part was neither of us knew how to handle such people. I suddenly saw a man in his early forties walking towards us. She seemed to know Kanika. I realized
that the man looked familiar. He was Daleep Wadia, the man I had seen with Radhika Aunty in the bar that day. "Hey Kanika," he said, coming forward and giving her half a hug. "Hello uncle. How are you?" Kanika said. I had never seen her be this awkward. It was as if she didn't know where to keep her hands. She was shifting the weight on her feet nervously. "I am good, beta. So which design college are you going to?" Mr Daleep asked. "I am not studying design uncle," Kanika replied. "Why? You didn't get into any design college. Aww..." Mr Daleep said. Clearly, he was being an asshole. Kanika had already been uneasy about talking to him. She tried really hard to smile but it was very unnatural. You could make out that she wasn't herself. Mr Daleep made some pointless small talk and left. Kanika took a sigh of relief when he was out of sight. It was as if talking to him was the biggest torture of her life. "Relax Kanika. He was just being a prick," I tried to comfort her. "I know and that is exactly why I didn't want to come here." "You just need to relax," I said. "How do I relax? How would you relax if you were in my place?" "Well... I would have tried to distract myself I would have thought of something completely disconnected. Something like porn, maybe." "What? That is the weirdest thing I've heard all day." "Still... it works every time," I smiled. "But I have never even watched porn. How can I do that?" "I'll help you out," I said. Kanika smiled and gave her approval. Both of us were visibly out of place in that place. We took our drinks in our hands and indulged in people watching. The hall had fancy lights and even more fancy people. It was a serious place for people watching. I could do it for hours. We took our seats on the heightened stools at the bar and Kanika's breast brushed my elbow. I tried to act as if nothing had happened. But I could make out Kanika had done it deliberately to set the mood right. "So?" Kanika asked.
I put my arm around her back. "I wish the dress did not separate your body from my arm." "That's corny, Samar. I know you can do better," Kanika said. "What do you want, then? You want me to breathe on your neck and kiss it till there are red spots all over?" "That's better," she said and she laughed. And helped our cause. Our attention was distracted. We weren't bothered. "My lips would slide below your neck, to your cleavage and I will plant a kiss there. And then with my mouth, I will push your dress off your shoulder. Leaving only two straps separating your beauty and me. They will come off too. I will struggle to pull them off with my mouth but will switch to my hands when that wouldn't work." "You are really good at this! Go on." "Eventually I will free your breasts and my hands will take over. I will play with them in whichever way my imagination can run. I will kiss them, touch them, bite them, and play with them." "Let's go." "But where? Wait... I was just starting with the real part." "I think doing it would be more fun," Kanika said, as she pulled my hand. She guided me to the floor above. There was almost nobody there with just a few rooms and a pantry. There was a balcony. We looked at it and then we looked at each other. We made out in the balcony. It was so perfect that it was exhausting. When we were done, we looked too messed up to go back to the party. And we decided to just sit there, on the thirteenth floor and look at the city. As we sat, a light came on in the adjoining room. It drew my attention and I saw that it was Radhika Aunty who was inside the room. I drew Kanikas attention also towards her. It was dark outside so she couldn't see us. Somehow, the sight of her always lifted my spirits. Radhika Aunty was really sweet. Having seen her on TV for so many years, it was impossible to guess how she would be in person. A few more people joined her in the room. I recognized one of them. He was Daleep Wadia. The two of them seemed really close. As Kanika and I looked on, Mr Daleep took out a syringe from his bag and filled it with some fluid that he was carrying. I had seen this happen before and I knew Kanika doesn't appreciate me telling her to stop her mom. Aunty took the injection and injected it close to the inside of her elbow. It was some hard drug.
"She really shouldn't be doing this," I said. I expected affirmation from Kanika. "I know... But it helps her fight the stress." "But it is dangerous. And you are the only family she has. You have to stop her." "I want to. But I think if she could stop, she wouldn't need me. She is a very strong person," she said, as both of us kept staring at Aunty, as her muscles loosened as she sat on the couch. She seemed in a meditative state. I looked at Kanika and tried to understand her helplessness. But I couldn't. I wasn't sure she was doing her best. She needed to keep her foot down and intervene in this but she wasn't doing it. "I just think you could be doing a better job at being a daughter..." Kanika was really taken aback on hearing this. She stared at me. But she didn't say anything because I had probably mouthed what she had thought for years. She needed to hear this. And we both silently kept staring at Radhika Aunty. And her aura. "I will always love you the way I love you today," Kanika said to me, as she bundled into my arms, sitting in that balcony. And then it started raining. My first reaction was to get up to leave. But Kanika stopped me. She wanted to keep on sitting there.
SIX MONTHS LATER Six months is a long time. Only very stable things don't change in six months. Rest, everything has to succumb to one law of physics or the other. But the real question is - do people change? And if yes, then who changes and who doesn't? And those who do change, by how much? I knew for a fact that people around me definitely had. More than I had expected. And mostly, not the way I would have wanted.
t was a Sunday and I tried to sleep till late. But I couldn't. The previous night I had called Kanika but she hadn't picked my call. And it was not the first time this was happening. She had gone home three days ago. She had started going home quite often now. I hardly saw her in college. I got up from the bed and called her. Once again, she didn't receive. I freshened up. My thoughts blankly reflected on what had been happening. After a picture perfect relationship of a few months, was it time that things began to go downhill with her? What was I doing wrong? I had no idea why she wasn't just talking about it. Was she deliberately trying to be mysterious? Or was there something I didn't know? I returned to my room and saw my cell phone was vibrating. It was her. "Hey, sorry I couldn't take your call. Was in the shower," she said. Shower at six in the evening? Not convincing. "It's okay. So, what's up?" "I will be reaching the hostel tonight around eleven," she said. "Oh, great. Should I pick you up?" I asked. "No, no. It's okay. A friend is picking me up," Kanika said. "Oh, okay. Who is it?" I asked. "Well, you don't know him. I'll see you in college tomorrow," she said and hung up. You don't know him? In a two minute conversation, there were at least three inconsistencies in what Kanika was saying. Add to that, her lack of confidence as she said then. And also, the way her smile had just vanished over the last few weeks. It was as if the relationship had transformed. It was as if things had changed and I was the only one who had no idea why. She looked lost when she was with me. Was she continuing the relationship out of plain inertia?
I decided I would talk to her about this when we meet next.
I had quit making futile attempts at learning the guitar. I learnt all the chords and was beginning to get smooth at switching them as well. But then, I succumbed to the clutter in my head. With Kanika getting more and more unpredictable, the tennis practice taking an hour every day, I decided to call off the guitaring until freer times. Or maybe it was my breaking chemistry with Zeeshan. One Sunday afternoon, I had nothing to do. I felt like visiting Zeeshan. I was hoping we would have a heart-warming conversation and we would be able to catch up like friends meeting after a while. And also, I was really curious as to how his classes would be doing. He had always been unstable and reclusive. For all you know, he might have gotten bored of the whole thing and gotten back to his shell. Or, his classes might have gotten too big for him to handle. I reached his place and the hall was completely occupied. My estimate was that there were at least seventeen people who hardly had any place to sit. Definitely, the classes had taken off. Zeeshan had finally made a mark for himself. "Hey," I said, approaching Zeeshan. "Hi Samar! How are you, man?" "I am good. Congrats for the classes. They seem to have taken off." "I know, man. And it's all because of you. Come to think of it, it all started with a policeman stopping me on the road," Zeeshan said. "I know. Let's catch up, man. Let's have beer this evening?" "This evening? Sorry, man. I have to go to Lajpat Nagar." Lajpat Nagar was where Kanika lived. "Lajpat Nagar? You're picking Kanika?" I asked, surprised. "Yeah. Kanika called and told me to pick her up. Let's have beer tomorrow. What say?" "Yes. Okay," I stammered and left. This was way too much! Kanika had lied to me. This was beyond argument or speculation now. Somehow, I had always found comfort in the possibility that maybe she wasn't lying. But even that was settled now.
I was in a state of shock. There was only one thought occupying every cell of my body. So Zeeshan was the `friend' who was picking up Kanika. And she was hiding that from me. There was something she could tell Zeeshan but not me.
The next morning, I saw Kanika in class. I didn't know how to react on seeing her. Inside, I was fuming at the lie. But I didn't really want to spoil the few minutes I got to spend with her. So I decided to feign happiness. I hardly got to see her these days. In fact, I hadn't seen her outside the class for a month now. "Hi Kanika," I said as I hugged her. Even our hugs had changed. It was as if she was hugging me with just her arms but not her heart. "What are we doing about the IEEE project?" Kanika asked me straight away. That pretty much sums up what was wrong with our relationship. She had conveniently ignored my ultra-sweet smile. There was no effect of the fact that we hadn't met in days. There was no effect of the fact that I had said what I had said with great emotion. "Oh come on, Kanika. We will figure out something," I said. "No Samar. This project is important. It is different. This one needs us to have a certificate from some biggish company in the industry. That narrows down our options a great deal," Kanika said. "Yeah. Do you know anyone who could help us figure this out?" I asked. "No, I was hoping you would know someone," Kanika said. "Nobody. Think hard Kanika! You're the daughter of the Radhika Merchant. You must know someone." "Well actually," Kanika said hesitatingly "Err... I can think of one person actually." "Then what are you waiting for?" I told her. "I am talking about Niel. He is working in a good company. I haven't talked to him since the episode but I could get in touch with him. That is of course, if you are okay with it." "Why would I possibly be uncomfortable with you talking to Niel? I know he is a fucking bastard but I know you as well Kanika." "Are you sure?"
"Yup. Call him and tell him two things. First, to get us the certificates and second, to fuck off," I said. I was blabbering. Which only meant that I wasn't really comfortable with Kanika talking to Niel. "Hmm, okay. Let me call him then," Kanika said and walked away. She did not want me breathing down her throat when she talks to him. Ten minutes later, she came back. "Hey one of us would have to go to his office to meet him regarding the project on Monday" Kanika said. There was an awkward silence about who was going to meet him. At the end of which, I succumbed. "I will see him on Monday, then," I said. Kanika nodded. "Great. I should get going. I have to leave for home in a while," Kanika said once the argument was settled. "How will you go?" I asked. "A friend is picking me up," Kanika replied. Friend.
That night was a tough one. I couldn't stop shifting postures because of lack of sleep. I couldn't stop thinking of Zeeshan and Kanika. They were both acting suspicious. I was beginning to get desperate to find out what was happening. I thought of calling her but I didn't want to hear the operator say `The user is busy. Please call after some time'. But I thought I would give it a try anyway. And she picked. "Hey Kanika." "Hey Samar. Anything urgent?" she asked. "Nothing. Called just like that," I said. "I know. But I am a little caught up right now. Can you give me a day? I will call you tomorrow." I was frustrated at seeing my relationship fall to pieces in front of my own eyes. And for no apparent reason. I couldn't see why suddenly things had changed so much.
My mental peace could not have taken a bigger blow. I had been evading the thought all this while but now, it was hanging wide in the open. I did not want to say it. If I had my way I would have preferred shooting myself before letting the complete thought cross my mind. But somehow, the thought managed to find its way. Was she cheating on me?
did not want this at this moment. I had had a sleepless night thinking of Zeeshan and Kanika. And now, I was going to meet Niel, the most repulsive person ever. This is exactly why you do not go and date a girl who is too hot for you. On one side I had a MBBS who was the God of guitar, salivating all over her and on the other, I had Niel, who was the guy of every girl's dream. As I drove my way, I was praying for only one thing. I wanted to meet Niel and hope to feel superior to him. I wanted him to look and talk stupid so that I could feel better about myself. The last time I had met Niel, he had managed to convince me that I had been an idiot to even harbour the hope of being with Kanika. A part of me was praying he might have scarred his face or something. I reached Niel's office's parking and called him. "Hi Niel. Yeah. In the parking. Yes. Sure. See you," I said and hung up. Niel reached the parking in two minutes. "Hi Samar. It's so good to see you man after all these months. Welcome to my office," said Niel as he walked towards me. I was elated to see him. Not because I missed him all these months. I was elated because he looked a mess. The last time I had met him, he had been a lean, mean machine with an enviable body. Today, however, he looked like a regular guy with a hint of paunch. I felt sorry for him, and great for me. "Hey, Niel. It's really good to see you," I said, suddenly smiling. Niel showed me the way to his office. `This building. Fourth floor," he said. "Oh okay. Where is the lift?" "I am sorry, man. The lift is not working," he replied. We climbed four floors of stairs to reach his office. He looked more tired than I did. We entered the main door and he took me to his seat in the office. The seat was smaller than a pigeon hole, right next to the washroom and the water cooler and really cramped. It was noisy. If he stretched his arms, he would end up punching two people in the face.
I felt a personal victory. After all the stress I had been going through recently, this triumph was exactly what I had desired. Apparently, Niel wasn't as much a lion in his office as he was outside it. "Would you like to have coffee?" he asked. I wasn't listening. I was busy, staring at Niel's little paunch. Niel saw me looking at him and he understood what I was thinking. "I know what you are thinking," Niel said. "This job doesn't give me time for anything else. More money, but otherwise... it's kind of sad." This meeting had turned out to be a dream. Had someone asked me to script the meeting myself, then I couldn't have imagined anything better. He was in a really bad shape. Niel and I got started with the project related discussion. The work took a while. He introduced me to people around his office. He seemed on track. He knew what I wanted. Three hours later, I had got every paper signed in the company that I could have asked for. It was time to thank Niel, not only for getting the project done, but also making me feel better by being such a mess. I hugged him. "Thank you, brother. You have no idea how much trouble you have saved me today," I said. "It's nothing, Samar. Glad I could help. Care for a beer?" Niel said. I considered the thought. This morning, when I was driving to see Niel, I could have puked at the thought of drinking with him. But now, drinking with him sounded like a perfect evening. "Sure Niel. On me!" I said. Five minutes later, Niel was talking to his boss, telling him something urgent had come up and he would have to leave. His enviable physique might have left him but his flapping tongue was still very much intact. In an office, the truth is as true as the conviction in your voice. Another five minutes later, we were on the road to a bar. Another one hour later, we were both kind of drunk. "Seemsaslike just yesterday that I had packed my bags and landed at your door," Niel said, getting nostalgic, he stared into his glass. Hmm.
"I have been in plenty of relationships, flings and what not...You know what they said about me?" Niel was going in self-praise mode. I knew where this was headed and I didn't seem to like it for some reason. "That you are an asshole?" I asked. "That I'm loyal... To all my girlfriends!" Niel laughed out loud. I couldn't help joining him. "So what changed?" "Well, then I joined this job and things turned on their head. Now all I do is work all day long and go to sleep in the night from Monday to Saturday. It's a tough life.' "So where did all the girls go?" "...I got fat, got dark circles under my eyes... and there is no time, man!" "Hmm," I made a sound in conformity. "I miss Kanika sometimes..." Niel said. What was with everyone falling in love with Kanika all of a sudden? Why can't they get a girl of their own? This was heading to an unpleasant place. "She was pretty, intelligent, funny, she was everything," Niel continued. I realized I needed to stop it before he said something he would regret. "Kanika and I are seeing each other, Niel," I told him before he could do more damage to our evening. "Oh. Okay. Really?" "Yes." There was a brief awkward silence which lasted for a few seconds. The table desperately needed a change of topic. There was silence and I was thinking of Kanika. I was sure Niel was thinking of her too. You cannot not think of Kanika once you have started. "So how is it going with her?" Niel asked. The question set me thinking. How was the relationship going with Kanika? We had hardly talked for two months. When we saw each other after four days, I did not see any warmth. She was lying to me about meeting Zeeshan. Apparently, Zeeshan was more updated on her than I was. Also, Zeeshan would not even have beer with me. And then I looked at Niel. He was a mess and I could tell that he really regretted having broken up with her. The last thing I wanted to give him was hope that he could get back with her.
"The relationship is blissful," I told him. "How can it not be? It's her..." Niel said. I agreed. Niel was sitting in the bar in dim lighting. I looked at him and the extra flesh on his cheeks and I got thinking. Did he want to get back with Kanika? And why? Was it because he couldn't get anyone else now?
woke up in the hostel next morning. I did not know that the hangover was of alcohol or the conversation with Niel. But still, I woke up with a foul mood. I was just not feeling good about life. I was cranky and irritable. Just then, Kanika called. "Hey, you up?" she asked. "What happened?" My crankiness was showing in my speech. "I am coming to your flat in a minute." "No. Please don't. I want to sleep some more. Give me like an hour," I said. This might be the first time ever when I had reacted negatively to Kanika coming to see me. "I am coming, Samar. I am coming to say bye for the weekend," Kanika said. "What? You're going home again?" I reacted. I was re-woken up by the knock on the door. Kanika was shining today. Smell of a thousand face creams hit my nostrils. Her smell was very much a part of her, which she carried where ever she went. Somehow today, I found the perfection of her face irritating. "Hi honey. Wake up. People around the world have already reached their offices," Kanika said. I could see the deliberate effort to sound lively and energetic. But it was just a plastic effort. It wasn't natural. I hadn't seen her smile for a long time now. I got even more irritated. I sat up straight. My hair was all over. "Wait, I will brush my teeth and come," I told her and started to get up from the bed. "No, no. I don't have time for that. A friend is dropping me home and would have to hurry home straight away." "How do you always manage to be in a hurry?" I winced. "How do you always manage to be up to nothing?" she retorted and pushed for another attempt at smiling but was way too hollow.
It had suddenly hit her that she had dedicated no time to our relationship for many months and that she needed to make up for it. But the effort was too unnatural. On seeing her forced smile, I felt like answering back. But I realized that answering would only lead to another knick knack, which had full potential of being blown into a full fight. I was not up for it. A change in topic was a much more pleasant option. "How was the meeting with Niel? I hope the project is in place?" she said. "Obviously. I had to sit that loser all day long to get it done," I said. I was oozing with irritability now and it was beginning to get more and more apparent. "How is Niel doing?" Kanika asked. That did not help my mood at all. "Oh Niel, he has suddenly become fat and ugly. Girls in his office were checking me out rather than looking at him," I said. I was purely giving an ego booster to myself. "Why are you behaving like this?" Kanika said. My irritation was showing on my face now. "Like you don't know." "Okay, let's chuck it. I should get going now. I am going home for three or four days." "And how will you go?" "A friend is dropping me." I did not say anything but the frustration was more than apparent on my face. I was fuming now. Kanika had been giving me plenty of reasons to be angry. And I did not see any reason to hide my emotions now. A conversation over this topic was now overdue. Kanika could not have evaded this topic any more. "I know it, Kanika' I said. "Know what?" "That it is Zeeshan who is dropping you." Kanika was taken aback. She hadn't seen this coming. So this was it. We were finally having the talk which she seemed to have evaded desperately all these weeks. It was time the suspense ended. She didn't say anything. "Do you think that you still do not need to tell me what is going on?" I asked, in a volume higher than the normal. "I need to go. Zeeshan is waiting. He was sweet enough to get up early in the morning and drop me home. I don't want to keep him waiting."
"Kanika, we need to talk. Five minutes will do no harm," I said, sounding desperate. "I need to go. I am sorry... but I really have to go. I promise we will talk. But let the right time come," Kanika said and opened the door behind her. She was gone. She had gone without even saying a proper bye to me. I was furious but there was nothing I could do. I could only sit and sulk. I looked at my phone to check if she had left any message. She hadn't. I contemplated calling her but decided against it. I was hoping she would call soon so that I did not have to call. I kept staring at the phone for her to contact. She didn't. Something was terribly wrong now. And the worst part was that everybody seemed to know about it except me. An hour later, my patience finally gave up and decided to call her up. "Hey Kanika." "Hey. I am sorry Samar. I had to run. It was something urgent," Kanika replied. "It is okay." It was not okay. It was terrible. "So? Anything important?" she asked. "Not really. Just calling to check if everything is okay with you." "I'm okay. Listen, I will call you in the evening. I have just reached home and have to take care of things here," she said and hung up. The mystery was tightening with every passing minute. I was dying of curiosity now. I had to know what was happening. Kanika did not call that evening. I did not go out because I just could not think of anything except her call. I was just sittinganything. in my room and waiting for her call. It was as if I had been handicapped into being incapable of doing That night was one of the most restless one of my life. There was too much happening and it was all unpleasant. I kept changing postures and my mind kept thinking of possible answers to all the questions in my head. But not a single positive thought crossed my mind.
Kanika called early the next day. I was beginning to get used to being woken up by her. I did not mind this time. I just had to hear from her. The time and place did not matter. "Morning Kanika," I said.
"Morning Samar. How are you?" "I am okay... and sleepy," I said. "Oh. I am sorry," she said. "It's okay. I don't mind. What happened? You sound a little different..." I asked. "I was up all night. I was talking to Mom," Kanika said. "Oh, how's she?" I said. "She is okay," Kanika said. "What were you talking about?" "About everything... Mom wants to meet you, Samar." "Me?" Yes. "Okay. Any special reason?" "Not really. She wants you to come home next week," Kanika said. I tried to process the information. Radhika Aunty wanted to see me. This could mean several things. Had Kanika and I not been in such doldrums, I would have thought it was about the relationship. But with our relationship being completely on the rocks, I had no idea what she wanted to say. Did she want to talk about Kanika and me? Or worst still, did she want to talk about Kanika and Zeeshan? My world came to a stop. The confusion only added to my paranoia. I was now getting hysterical. I had absolutely no idea what happening. I was hyperventilating. I was fuming. I was panicking. "Sure. But what is it about?" "It is about nothing... She just wants to meet you. I have to go now. I will tell you the exact day next week," she said and hung up. As if I did not have enough bothering me already, Kanika added a completely new dimension to my botheration. She was up all night talking to her mom, probably mostly about me. And now Aunty wanted to meet me.
What did this mean? Kanika was supposed to reach my flat at nine in the evening. I was waiting for her in the parking area. I was nervous. I wanted to know what was happening. She came at 9:15. "Hey," I said on seeing her. "Hey Samar. What's up?" she asked. Once we were indoors, I started looking for an opportunity to touch the topic. "So, what have you been doing on the project for the last two days, Samar? I mean, what have you done since I left last morning?" Kanika asked. I had been so preoccupied with what was happening in Kanika's life that I had completely forgotten that I had to work on the project. I had not written a line for the report. It had completely skipped my mind. I knew I was screwed. "The report is yet to start." "Are you kidding me? You are aware that we are on a very strict deadline for this project and you waste two days doing nothing?" "You are blaming me? You spent the whole night chatting up with your mother. It's not like you couldn't have worked on it, Kanika." "Did you even consider the possibility that it could have been something important? Maybe I really had to meet her." "Then maybe I had something important too," I said. "How can you be so-?" "How can you be so irresponsible?" I cut her midsentence. There was a brief silence in the room. This was happening now. Kanika and I were face to face and we were fighting. Like a proper high volume altercation. In spite of Kanika's resolution to not to fight at all costs. This was actually happening. "Stop being such a mystery, Kanika. I need to know what is happening," I said. "I will tell you when the time comes," she said. That set me off. It was getting way too much for me to handle. "Would you please fucking tell me what's happening?" I shouted this time.
All my barriers of patience had now fallen. There was no way I could have held back my emotions. I had never shouted on Kanika. In fact, I had never shouted on anyone for that matter. I have never been a shouting person. But the situation demanded it. Kanika had tested every ounce of my patience. I continued, "At least fucking tell me what she has in her mind. She wants me to fix up a wedding date or something? If yes, then please tell her there is no way I can be serious about somebody who doesn't find me worthy of sharing anything about her life." "It is not like that, Samar. She wants to meet everybody, not just you. I am going to invite Zeeshan also." "Okay, but still... Why can't I bloody know what is happening?" "There is nothing to know," Kanika said. "And what the fuck are you doing with Zeeshan? Is there nothing to know about that too? After all, who am I? I am just a guy who is madly in love with you," I said. I couldn't have sounded more excited. I was mocking at her. I was almost shouting. "Samar..." Her voice had changed. Her expression was stolid but her voice was weaker than it had ever been. I knew what was following. And then suddenly, Kanika hid her face in her palms. She was crying. My heart melted in a microsecond. I forgot my anger and looked at her. "I did not mean to make you cry, Kanika. I just need to know. I just can't live without knowing," I said holding her arms with my hands. "Please give me some time. Don't make me do things at a time which I do not think is right... I need a break, Samar. I need some time away from this relationship." "What? You want to break up?" I reacted. "I just need some time off," she said. She was still crying. Seeing her like that broke my heart. I held her face in the cup of my hands. I looked into her eyes and said "I understand if you need some time off, Kanika. But just tell me what is wrong with the two of us. Just tell me Kanika. I understand, even if you have fallen for someone." The last part hit Kanika really hard. She hadn't expected that I was expecting that she had fallen for someone else. Her eyes were moist. "Mom is sick, Samar," she said. "What happened?" I asked.
"AIDS. She doesn't have much time," she said. I couldn't say anything. I hated myself instantly. So much had been happening in Kanika's life. Any more questions would have only made it tougher for her. There was nothing I could have said. I hugged her silently. It was a special hug. My heart was filled with great emotion. I loved her way too much to imagine myself as a separate entity from her. But I respected her demand for a break. Romance would be the last thing on her mind at this stage. I thought of Radhika Aunty and my heart sank. She had been a bundle of energy every time I had seen her. I would have thought she is much fitter than I would ever be. This was not supposed to happen. AIDS had always been a thing which happened to other people. But it really can hit anyone at any point. It drops minor hints as it swoops in and many people can confuse that with acidity or common cough and cold. It can be very easy to miss and make a family's life more miserable than one can ever imagine. It is a fact of life, which we miss, everyday but still, it lives with us. When you are walking, this fact is walking beside you. One would never wake up in the morning and say `Thank God, I do not have AIDS'. But the moment it would hit you, you would never be able to think of anything else. That dress, those football shoes, that latest car, everything would lose its meaning. All you would want it to be able to see the sunrise of the next year, and even the year after that. Hearing about Aunty shook me up. Her news woke me up about myself. It explained to me in a matter of seconds, the importance of living a fuller life. I thought of my own Mom. I hadn't talked to her for a week. She was living in Muscat, far far away from me. God forbid, if anything wrong happened, it would take me 20 hours to reach her. Those would be the most tortuous 20 hours anyone can ever have. And even when I talked to my Mom, I hardly spoke. I looked at Kanika and thought of her. She had grown up in a broken family all her life and now she was going to lose the one person who had been the beginning and the end of her family. Now her family was going to end. Everything changed. "She used an infected injection while taking some drug. The syringe had been used by someone who had AIDS. That's how she got infected," Kanika said. "Drugs... shit." "I know..." she said. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You had told me to stop her but I had not taken you seriously. I feel I am responsible for all this. If I had stopped her... this would have never happened." "It's not your fault," I comforted her. "And you had told me stop her. I knew you would blame me for all this... I know I was wrong but I never thought this could happen," Kanika said. "So you told Zeeshan?" "When the doctors told me that Mom had AIDS, I had no idea how to react. And then he told me about possible treatments, medicines, therapies etc. I had no clue what to do so I just called Zeeshan. He was the only doctor friend I had. He has been really sweet all through this, Samar. He has been taking very good care of me. I really owe him," she said. "Take care, honey," I said, Kanika still sticking to my chest as we embraced each other. "I wanted to tell you because I needed your support. I needed you to be with me through this. But I ust could not... I knew I wouldn't be able to face you after telling you this. You are the only person who knows that it is my fault. I am the one who should have stopped her but didn't." Her voice was breaking because of the tears. "I love you, Samar. You are all I have." I felt her lips move on my shoulders, as we were still embracing each other. We just stood there. We did not speak but let our thoughts wander. "I understand. I love you," I said. "You are a darling. But I do need a break." "I am really sorry for being so harsh," I said. "It wasn't your fault. Things must have looked strange from your end," she said. "But I am really sorry," I said. "But Samar... Mom... She is in a terrible condition. It's so hard to see her like this," she said. She couldn't have sounded sadder. "Why isn't she in a hospital?" I asked. "She requested to spend the last month of her life at her lively house rather than a depressing hospital. She is Radhika Merchant after all. And all this is happening because of me..." Kanika said. "Last month?" I asked. "Last month."
I looked at her. All these months, I had always thought Kanika was a different person inside that she was outside. Inside, she was a very soft hearted innocent girl. And today, I saw it clearly in front of me.
he day when I was supposed to see Radhika Aunty finally arrived. My brain could not stop making comparisons of this meeting to the last one I had with her. The last time I had met her, I was worried that I might exude so much awe that I might embarrass myself. This time I was worried that the pity in my eyes might not become too obvious. Kanika had given a sad description of her present condition. The last time, I could not wait for the hour to meet her come. This time, I almost did not want to go. I was worried whether I will be able to handle the emotion in that room. Kanika was already home, while I was sitting in my flat. Zeeshan was going to come over any minute so that we could get going to Kanika's house. I thought I would give Kanika a call and get to know the mood of the house. I called her. "How is she doing?" I asked Kanika. "She is not good. The doctors have said one more week in all probability," Kanika said in a tough tone. "Hmm. Is there anything I should keep in mind when I come to see her?" "Just try not to react when you see her. She doesn't look the same. She looks... ill." "Oka"Y• "And one more thing. Mom doesn't know about the break in our relationship." Hmm... "So I want you to look as if you are truly in love with me." I looked at her blankly. "Don't get me wrong Samar, but Mom's only concern is that what who will take care of me once she is gone. She should feel that she is leaving me in safe hands. Only you can ensure that. She really likes you." I paused for a second to collect my thoughts. I was talking to a girl who was about to lose her
mother. I wanted to tell her that I will not pretend to be madly in love with her in front of Aunty because I was genuinely in love with her. I wanted to tell her that I will be myself and I was sure Aunty, with years of experience that she has, would be able to see that her daughter is in good company. I wanted to tell her, that she didn't have to worry. But I respected her request for a break. I did not want to bring back the romance at this juncture. She had bigger issues to take care of. "And yes, be on time." "I will be." We hung up.
Zeeshan parked his car outside Kanika's home. He seemed to know the area pretty well because of his frequent visits recently. I checked my shirt and my jeans. I had toned down on style and upped myself on sobriety and maturity. I thought from a mother's perspective and realized that a mother would want to see maturity in her daughter's friends at such a time. Zeeshan rang the bell. Kanika came to open it. She smiled on seeing us. I had seen her smile thousands of time but her smile today was different. She smiled as if she would break into tears any moment. I noticed that her eyes might have already been moist. Kanika hugged me when she saw me. She showed us inside. Aunty was in the bedroom. I entered the bedroom making a mental note to look cheerful on seeing her. I entered the room and the sight blew the winds away from my sails. I was way too taken aback to withhold my reaction. Aunty had reduced to around 40kgs. Her face and body were terribly wrinkled. She was lying down in the posture in which a baby lies in her mother's womb. She looked like a lump of tissue which was hardly alive. I could have cried on the sight but Kanika had told me to look cheerful. I forced a very fake smile, the kind that I hated. "Samar, my boy. I so wanted to see you before I..." Aunty stopped mid-sentence. I didn't blame her. It is no easy task to say `before I died'. "Even we wanted to see you so badly Aunty. It's been just so long since our last cocktail!" I said, again trying to sound cheerful as if nothing had happened. "Yeah, didn't we just love those Mojitos!" She was trying hard to be nice. In fact, she had always been nice. We had just taken her nicety for granted, thinking being nice was all she did.
The room had that atmosphere. It was an atmosphere which can only be around a dying person. Everybody's heart was crying inside but everybody was smiling on the outside. She motioned her servant to bring us something to eat. Despite our fervent request that we were okay, she insisted. Aunty didn't eat. She wasn't speaking much either. She was just looking at us and smiling. Dinner was nice and silent. I was trying hard to act normal and cheerful but my heart kept going out to Kanika. I wanted to ease her pain at least a little bit. "It is so good to see you guys after so long," Aunty said. "The house looks so nice and chirpy today after so many months. The depressing air in the house seemed to keep reminding me what I was trying to forget." Everything that Aunty was saying today seemed to have a deeper meaning. Everything seemed to be coming from a list of chores which she was leaving behind unfinished because of her illness. "Be brave, Mom. You are my strength," Kanika said. "I am trying beta," Aunty said. The room was mostly silent because Zeeshan and I had no clue that how one was supposed to talk to a dying person. All we did was to respond intelligently to whatever Aunty said. to... "Samar, I wanted to tell you something beta. You remember we once talked about the importance of relationship in one's life? That it's okay to give it all up to achieve what you want "I remember Aunty." "I was wrong beta... and I wanted to tell you that before I go... I looked on, as Aunty spoke from years of experience. "It's all okay as long as you are doing great in life... but when things go wrong, all you want is someone to hang onto. Somebody who knows where you are coming from and what you want to hear. Somebody who comforts you when you are dishevelled..." "Mom, you have me," Kanika said, as she sobbed with her eyes but smiled with her lips. "Yes beta, that's where I get my strength from, and that's what I am saying. You need that one person," she said and reached out to her daughter. They looked at each other and smiled beneath their tears. I heard Kanika sniff on my left. She was crying silently. Aunty ignored her sniffs. There must have been plenty of crying happening in this house in last few days, for her to have gotten accustomed to all this.
Aunty continued, "Dreams and achievements are fine... But if you don't have a person to share it with, all of that is just futile." Kanika held her mother's hand and tried to comfort her. Words were of least importance at this moment. Physical touch implied that Kanika was close to her. She was with her in this. Aunty was not dying alone. I shifted closer to Aunty and held her other hand. I looked at her and said "You have us to share everything Aunty." "Thank you, beta. Your mother must be really proud of you," Aunty said. She then looked down and thought about something. And then she said "I always thought there were so many things I would do in this life... But now as my time approaches, all I feel is I wish I had spent more time with Kanika." Kanika held her mom's hand tighter. "I wonder what she will do without me." I knew what she meant and I knew exactly what she wanted to hear. "She will be fine aunty..." I said. Zeeshan nodded. We didn't know what more to say. "Aunty," I said "You do not have to worry about Kanika at all. Zeeshan and I will take very good care of her," I said, still holding her left hand. The serene and calm expression on her face touched something deep within me. I felt as if I have done the noblest thing ever in my life and I wasn't lying. How can anyone not take very good care of Kanika? She was too much of an angel to not fall in love with. "You know Kanika," Aunty said. "Out of all the mistakes I have made, I am regretful only about one of them." Aunty was in deep thoughts as she was speaking. "Kanika's dad came from a rich family. He was handsome, creative and intelligent. He could do whatever he wanted. He was every girl's dream. He was the one everyone was talking about," Aunty said. She had a little smile on her face as she spoke this. "I had liked him from the day one but at the same time, I knew there was something wrong. There was something missing. I knew he was not the one for me. He was way too unpredictable to be a husband." "Mom..." Kanika interrupted her. "Let's remember something pleasant. Let's not talk about Dad today." "No beta. Let me talk. You know I love telling this story. So then, one day, your dad ran his little creative and romantic heart and conjured up a lavish proposal for me. I was swept of my feet to be
honest. There was no way any twenty two year old will not be swept off her feet by what he did. I had almost cried I remember. I was so swept off that I forgot what my gut had told me every single day of the last two years. I said yes, I will marry you." Aunty looked deeply touched. I was listening to a dying woman, loudly reflecting back to the most romantic phase of her life. "But soon after the wedding, I realized I should not have overruled what my gut had told me for two years over what it had said on a single night. You should not make such decisions over one instance of brilliance. Whatever you do Kanika, choose your man wisely." "I promise Mom," Kanika said, softly. "And do not forget what you have known for years over one single instance. Choose a man who will love you truly, even when your face will have more wrinkles than dimples. Who will love you truly when you would have hair the colour of milk." Aunty's eyes were damp now. I wanted to walk up to her and hug her and tell her that everything will be okay but I knew everything would not be okay. At that moment, I realized how helpless things can get. We talk about humans having reached the moon and being capable of anything at all. But when someone you love has a fatal disease, there cannot be a more helpless feeling. And you would have to live with the agony. There is nothing you can do about it. You have to accept it and live with it. Zeeshan and I would definitely manage to move on. The question really was - did Kanika have it in her to live with it? Would she be able to gather herself and move on with life and live the way she had till now? Thankfully, Zeeshan and I would definitely be there for her. As the clock struck eleven, Kanika signalled us that it was time to leave. It was as if she had decided from the beginning that we will be leaving at eleven. I could understand. It must be Aunty's sleeping time. She needed every bit of rest she could get. "We should get going Aunty," I said. "Aww... It's just eleven. I thought you were the guy who used to party till the sun came out Samar" said Aunty. "Well... Kanika and I are working on this project. I have to finish it off," I said. "You must hate me for keeping Kanika home all these days. You must be working double hard because of her absence," said Aunty. "Oh c'mon, Aunty. I told you I am with you through this," I said and smiled silently. Kanika came with us to drop us outside.
"I am sorry; I had to signal you guys to leave. Actually, it is eleven o'clock and I wanted you guys to meet someone," Kanika said. "Meet someone?" I hadn't really expected that coming. I had genuinely thought she had wanted me to leave because it was Aunty's resting time. As we exited the gate of Kanika's house, we noticed there was a long white car parked a few steps away. There was a man standing right outside it and he was smiling broadly on seeing us. He seemed to know us. Kanika walked up to that man. He must have been in midforties. He looked damn smart for his age. He had pepper white hair and was wearing a blazer over blue jeans. He looked like a successful, peaceful middle aged guy. Kanika went up to him and hugged him. She was apparently very close to this guy. "Hi Samar. Hi Zeeshan," the man said on seeing us. Apparently, he knew Zeeshan too. "Hello Mr Merchant," Zeeshan said. Mr Merchant? This guy was related to Kanika. I saw his face, standing right beside Kanika. There was definite resemblance between the two of them. I understood that very moment, that I was talking to Kanika's father. "Samar," Kanika said. "This is Mr Vinod Merchant, my father." I shook Mr Merchant's hand. He looked like a successful man. "How is Radhika doing?" asked Mr Merchant. There was a certain level of restlessness in his voice. Kanika and Zeeshan had expected the question. But they were aware that I would be taken aback. I did not know what was happening. They wanted to explain the situation. "Mr Merchant comes to meet me every day at eleven. He meets me outside but never goes inside," said Kanika. "But why don't you go inside and meet Aunty?" I asked. "Because I am sure that I shouldn't. I have only given her pain all throughout and I want to spare her the torture at this stage. Radhika is in a weak state. She cannot handle the shock of seeing me." I looked at him. He genuinely cared for Aunty. know meeting would only make things worse. I don't want to give her the pain only because I can't"Ihandle myself,"me he said. I looked at Kanika to check her reaction. She maintained a plain face which meant didn't really have an opinion. I could not believe that she could not see that what Mr Merchant was saying was absolutely
wrong. "But Mr Merchant, I just met Aunty and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you are exactly what she needs at this point. She wants to have a strong shoulder beside her," I said. "She will freak out the moment she sees me," said Mr Merchant. "I know she will freak out in the beginning," I replied. "But then she will calm down in a few minutes. Trust me, you are exactly what she needs," I said. Mr Merchant was thinking. He looked at Kanika. He did not say anything but asked for her approval through his eyes. Kanika stared at him for a second and then she nodded. "You are definitely what Mom needs," Kanika said. Mr Merchant threw some weak arguments but it was as if he wanted to be interjected. It was as if he knew his arguments were baseless but he wanted to hear them being turned down from someone else. Just that no one had ever touched the topic to him. He had been waiting to hear these words for many months. Kanika or Zeeshan had just not realized that he needed just a little persuasion. When I reached there and push him over the threshold, he did not need much convincing to go and meet Radhika Aunty. Finally, after some convincing, he conceded. He smiled. He turned around and checked the mirror in his car. He fixed his hair and corrected his blazer. "Let's go then," he said. We saw him nervously walk into Kanika's house. "I am waiting for you in the car," Zeeshan said and left for the car. Kanika and I walked towards her house to see how Aunty actually reacted. We walked towards the window of her room and silently stood outside the glass window. We saw Mr Merchant walk into the room. Aunty looked at him and grew blank for a few minutes. She had no reaction in the beginning. "Vinod..." she said, in the feeblest possible voice. "Radhika." "You? Here?" Mr Merchant smiled.
"Did you meet Kanika?" Aunty asked. "I meet her every day." Aunty had no idea what was happening. But she had reacted a lot more positively than I had expected. All these years had subdued her anger. She had forgotten that he had walked out on her and her need for a shoulder through these times had become more overpowering. Mr Vinod went and sat on the bed beside her and put his arm around her. "I have missed you so much all these years," he said.
It was a heart-warming sight. Kanika and I were looking through the window, as Mr Merchant and Radhika Aunty filled in each other through all these years. I looked at Kanika and I knew it was a life defining moment for her. She was seeing her father meeting her mother after eighteen years. And her mother was at a critical juncture. I put an arm around her to comfort her. She was numb. She was blank. She had a plain face with dampness in her eyes. I loved her. "I should get going. Zeeshan must be waiting," I said. "Okay." We walked back silently to the car. There were no words but there were thousands of thoughts hanging in the air. If only I could do something to ease her pain. "Thank you guys for coming," said Kanika, as we were about to leave. "Shut up," I said. I said a final bye for the day. The day I would never forget.
Zeeshan had been silent all night. He had been more aware of the situation than I was. Not only was he a doctor and hence understood the disease better, he had been in touch with Kanika, Aunty and Mr Merchant all these months. He knew how they felt in a better way. Once we were in the car, Zeeshan's face's expression changed. He had been forcing himself to look cheerful all evening but he dropped the pretence now and looked quite serious. Once we were out of Kanika's locality, on to more vacant roads, Zeeshan started talking.
"Kanika is going to need a lot of support through this," he said. "I know..." I knew he was making small talk before something more important. "Do you love her?" he finally said. "What?" "I mean, I am not sure if I am the right person to ask you this, but I wanted to ask you, what are you doing with her?" "What do you mean Zeeshan?" "See Samar, she is going through a terrible phase, something you or I cannot even try to understand. The last thing she wants is a relationship which is not headed anywhere. Just tell me, what are you doing?" I was taken aback. I looked at him and the moment I saw his face, I understood what was happening. Zeeshan had a crush on Kanika. Possibly more. "That is none of your fucking business," I said. "Don't get upset. I just want to know what you have in mind," Zeeshan said. "Don't worry. I have everything figured out." "I was just worried that how is the relationship surviving all this stress," Zeeshan asked. "We have taken a break in the relationship," I said. I realized my mistake as soon as I uttered the words. I wasn't supposed to tell this to Zeeshan. My duty was to tell him that he should not be hopeful of anything. Instead, I had just told him we were on a break. The car was filled with silence for the rest of the journey. We reached the hostel and Zeeshan dropped me outside my flat. As we were saying bye, Zeeshan said "Don't turn your phone to silent mode when you go to sleep for the next few days." Anything could have happened now. The doctors had given Aunty a week.
Three days later, my phone did ring in the middle of the night. The call was coming from Kanika's
phone. "Hello," I said, sounding scared. "Hi. Samar, right? This is Vinod Merchant, Kanika's dad." "Yes sir." "Radhika passed away an hour ago. Kanika had told me to call you when this happens." "Okay sir. Thanks," I said. "Okay then." "Okay," I said and he hung up. I called up Zeeshan immediately. I knew he must have understood everything the moment he would have seen my name on his screen. "Yes, Samar," he said. "Aunty passed away around an hour ago." "Okay. I will see you in the parking in five minutes," Zeeshan said. "Okay. I will see you in five minutes." "Okay." "Okay," I said, battling the awkwardness. We reached Kanika's house. There were already quite a few people. We looked for Kanika. I had imagined the scene a thousand times in the last few days. How would Kanika react when this eventuality would have happened? Kanika was sitting silently when we entered. I looked at her and Mr Vinod approached me. Kanika looked much more miserable than my wildest imagination. She was inconsolable. The moment we reached, a trail of tears was running down her cheeks. She wasn't howling until we reached there. "Kanika is taking it really bad," Mr Vinod told me. Hmm. "She is blaming herself for everything. She has developed ulcers in her stomach." "We should call a doctor," I said.
"I called one but she just didn't talk to him. She is just sitting blankly," he said. I walked close to Kanika. On seeing me, her stolid expression finally changed. She broke down. I could imagine that seeing us reminded her of all those memories she had of Aunty with us. Her breath became uneven as she cried loudly. Just then, one of her cousins came forward and handed her an inhaler. Kanika's asthma was giving her a tough time through all this. I went up to her. She hugged me real tight. She had completely broken down at this stage. "I knew this was going to happen. But no amount of preparation prepares you for the actually thing," she said. She was howling now, crying pretty loudly. She was broken completely. I had hoped to find that she will be a brave girl. I was hoping that I will see some semblance of courage, which will make me believe that she will get back to normal. But I saw none. All I saw was an inconsolable daughter, crying her eyes out on losing her only family. I knew why she looked so devastated. Because she could not stop blaming herself for everything that had happened. She believed that had she stopped her mother from taking drugs, this wouldn't have happened. And seeing me reminded her that I had asked her to not to take this lightly. She hugged me and kept wailing louder and louder. Her mouth was close to my heart and the sound seemed to pierce through my chest and shake me from the inside. I got a sinking feeling, deeper than I had ever had. I let her cry her heart out. The reality was sinking in. And she was getting worse and worse, with every passing minute. Just then, in a very soft voice she said something I would never forget. "I don't want to live, Samar. It's all because of me..." she mumbled. Nobody heard it except me. I was shaken. I didn't want others to know what she had said. So, I tried not to react. I just hugged her tighter.
Aunty had been a popular person. The house was flooded with a sea of people. And they seemed like people who genuinely cared for her. There were people from her channel too. Zeeshan and I were there at the cremation. Kanika kept alternating between stability and delirium. Each time she would get stable, somebody would come and she would break down once again, in very loud tears.
By the end of the third day, the relatives had moved. The friends had also moved on, except for me. The relatives and friends had not heard Kanika say it in a very soft voice. I had. I don't want to live, Samar. Its all because of me... It was the kind of thing which breaks you from the inside. I knew my only responsibility for the next one month was to never leave her alone. I was supposed to be with her every time she would get weak. This was the new Kanika. She was weak. She needed me. I was there. Mr Merchant looked equally shaken but he was stable. He got to spend just three days with her after all these years. And then she was taken away. I was with him in the car when we were returning from the cremation. I had no idea what to say to him. His head must have been recalling all the moments he had spent with her. I wanted to comfort his unease. But I really couldn't. "I wish I could go back in time and live my life all over again," he said. There was no prologue. It was as if he had a train of thought and he just mouthed it. "All I want to ask is... why her? Now who will take care of Kanika?" he added. "You will take care of her, sir," I said. "I knew you would say that Samar and I would love to take care of her. But I just can't." "And why is that?" "I might be very good at handling business. But there is one thing that I just can't do." "Which is?" "Build relationships. I couldn't build it with Radhika. I know I wouldn't be able to do it with her." "Why do you keep running away from responsibility? Why are you so afraid of commitments, Mr Merchant? You will make a good father. Just ask Kanika to move in with you." "She will never say yes." "She may or may not. But at least she would know that you wanted her to come and stay with you." "Hmm." "This is something you just have to do Mr Merchant." "Okay, Samar. I will" he said.
Kanika returned to college in a week's time. Zeeshan had come to college to receive her. Neither of us knew how to be around her. Should we be careful when we talk to her? Or should we act as if nothing has happened? Mr Merchant dropped her outside the hostel. Kanika had a neutral expression. We had no idea what was going through her mind. Mr Merchant unloaded her luggage, said Hi to us and left. Kanika lifted one of her bags and looked at us. I could see that even she had no idea how things were going to change post this. It was as if she was expecting a hint from us. But all of us kept looking at each other blankly. Not knowing what was next. And then, she smiled. The smile set the tone. It was symbolic. It symbolized that nothing was going to change. But she did change as a person. She was more lost and the strength in her personality had vanished. The whole episode had sucked the life from her. I tried my best to be at her elbow whenever I could. I have known people who have lost their parents. But Kanika was taking it really, really bad. At the end of every day, I hoped she will be better the next. Or may be the next week, she would smile a little. Even if not smile, I wanted her to seem in control of herself. But she didn't. Every time I saw her, I wanted to just hug her and tell her it is not your fault baby. It was just a twist of fate. Things didn't look up for another three months.
THREE MONTHS LATER Three months is not that big a time. Not many things change. But in some lives, the circumstances can change completely in three months. That was what happened around me.
n three months, Kanika settled down just a little, but not much. Most people had forgotten that Kanika had once been a chirpy, bubbly girl who thought about fashion, twenty-six hours a day. She was now a silent, disciplined girl who behaved with great poise. She had matured a lot in just a few months. But I could see that behind the silence, she must be a different person when she would be alone. In spite of the illusion that she had moved on, I knew that she was still broken. On one Saturday afternoon, Kanika and I were sitting idle in my room. Somebody rang our doorbell. Kanika and I got up and walked to the door to check who it was. The man who was standing at my door seemed rather familiar. I had definitely met him before even though I had no clue where. When he saw me, his spirits seemed to plummet. But on seeing Kanika, his smile knew no bounds. Just then it struck me who he was. He was the guy who had once visited us for AIDS Donations. "Jai Shri Krishna, sir," he said. The man was about to ask for donation for AIDS patients. The last time he had come, Kanika and I had been just two regular students who believed AIDS was a disease which happened to other people. Kanika had given him money but had not taken him very seriously. But today, things had changed completely. Kanika had just lost her mother to AIDS. It was one of the most important topics in her life. The moment this guy will mention AIDS, it will touch a chord in her chest. All these three months, I had been trying my best to keep Kanika's mind off AIDS or anything connected to Aunty. "I am Vijay. You would remember I run an AIDS patient facility nearby," he said. Kanika stared at him blankly. I waited for a reaction from her but there was none. "So how much should I write down you for?" Vijay said. I let Kanika take a call for this. I was just hoping she would be strong. "Nothing," I heard Kanika say. I was surprised but I knew there was an explanation for this.
"Oh okay," said Vijay. "I want to visit your facility tomorrow morning. I want to see what you do," said Kanika. "Oh surely, madam. This is my card with the address of the NGO on it. I would love to have you as a visitor. I am sure all the patients will also love to meet you when you come. They love visitors," Vijay said. "Okay. We will see you at 10 a.m. tomorrow."
Kanika was at my door at 9 a.m. I opened the door for her. "Hey," she squealed. "You are ready? Already?" "Well, there are some things I take more seriously than the others," I said and smiled. I looked at her. She was wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans. Her colours had sobered up recently. The flashy, loud colours had been replaced by the mature, solid ones. "But it is early. Let's wait for half an hour and then we can leave," she said and entered the flat. Once again, I felt the same awkwardness. The encounter with Vijay once again had opened the Pandora Box and placed those four dreaded letters open on the table. AIDS. We were almost silent for the thirty minutes we spent in my flat. The air in the room was heavy. Then finally, at nine thirty, we decided to start walking towards the address Vijay had given us. The walk was no less silent. I just could not get my mind off AIDS. I thought it was safer to stay quiet. There was a lesser chance of ending up hurting her. Or otherwise, I ran the risk of directing her thoughts where they shouldn't be. We reached the AIDS Patient Centre ten minutes before the decided time. The door entered a reception area with another door to another room. We could sense that this was the room where all the patients were staying. The waiting room however was deserted. Kanika and I sat in the deserted room as I made a call to Vijay. "Hey, Vijay. Yeah we are at the reception. Oh you are inside? Okay, we are entering the hall then," I said and hung up. Vijay wanted us to walk into the hall.
We entered the Patient Care Unit and we got the shock of our lives. The sight which awaited us was more horrifying than what we were prepared for. The first person seemed to have no torso. All the muscle and flesh from his body seemed to have disappeared. There were others too, with equally depressing symptoms. The patients were looking at us curiously. They were pleased to see us but also unsure of what to expect from us. Vijay appeared out of nowhere. "Welcome Samar ji. Welcome Kanika ji. Welcome to this little place that we run. It is so good to have you here," he said as he walked towards us. We were already in the main living area of his NGO. He welcomed us and then got started with introducing us. "Everybody, this is Kanika ji and Samar ji. Yesterday I went up to their place to look for donation like I do every day. Kanika ji had given me some money the last time I had met her. So I had high hopes. But Kanika ji started saying that giving her time is a better way to help this NGO than donating money. I cannot agree more. So today, Kanika ji and Samar ji have graced us with their presence. They have come to meet you all today. Let us welcome Kanika ji and Samar ji with open arms," Vijay said with great enthusiasm. His enthusiasm was infectious. All the patients got elated at the announcement and joined him in welcoming us. I almost felt as if I was a chief guest in some gathering. I counted that there seven patients and a nurse and some housekeeping staff. Everybody was elated on seeing us. "So now," Vijay continued once the applause had died down, "I request Kanika ji to say a few words." This confirmed it. We were chief guests. Nobody had ever invited Kanika to say `a few words'. Kanika took the imaginary stage. She took a deep breath and geared up for speaking. "Hello, everyone. I am Kanika. I am a first year student. I come here in front of all of you, because I really wanted to meet you all. Around nine months ago, Vijay had rung our doorbell. He was asking for donation. He mentioned that he helped AIDS patients get a life but I did not pay much attention. At that time, cancer, AIDS, TB were all the same for me. They were names of deadly diseases which happened to people I did not know. I gave him some money and felt good about being a good citizen." "My mother's name was Radhika Merchant. She was a famous journalist with a distinguished career. She was one of the most respected reporters in her time. She had always been in control of everything. But when AIDS struck her, she could do nothing about it." Kanika's voice was beginning to break. The first signs of tears in her eyes were now visible. I hadn't seen any signs of Kanika missing her mother for some weeks now. Suddenly, all the memories seemed fresh.
She continued. "I had grown up seeing her doing everything right. There was nothing which did not happen the way she wanted it. But then, AIDS did not care that she was such a flamboyant personality. It just entered her body and ate her up, without even a minute warning." "All throughout the suffering of AIDS, she was only worried about one thing. That how would I do, when she is gone? And yet, even when she closed her eyes, she could not get the consolation from her daughter that she had truly sought." "I stand here in front of you, because I wanted to meet you brave people. I wanted to be amongst some real life courage. I wanted to tell you that I am in awe of you and I know I can never be as strong as you are. And also, because being with you in some way, makes me feel I am with her..." Her voice broke apart. Even if she wanted, she did not have the wind in her voice box to continue. Suddenly, she crossed the threshold and was crying now. I went up to her and held her by the shoulders and steadied her. She cried her heart out on my shoulder. I let her cry. There was nothing else to do. She pushed me aside. There was still something more that she wanted to add. "Someone has rightly said, that the meaning of life is that it ends," she said and exited the hall. I followed her outside the hall. Kanika and I were now standing alone in the reception area. She looked shaken. I realized she needed reassurance. She needed my touch. She needed to feel protected. She needed to feel that things will be alright. I held her face in my hands. "Everything is okay. It is not about the quantity of life. It is about the quality of life. Radhika Aunty left before her time but while she was alive, she was a great personality," I said. Kanika was looking straight into my eyes. She motioned her head forward. And there, in the reception area of the AIDS patient care centre, Kanika lips touched mine. Immediately after the touch, she pushed her head back. "We shouldn't," she said. Vijay walked into the reception area. Kanika looked at him and opened her purse. She took out a bunch of hundred rupee notes and handed them over to him. "Vijay," she said, "I want you to do something, which makes the patients really happy with this money," she said. Kanika and I exited the reception and we started making our way back to my flat. Once outside, she stabilized but we continued to walk back in silence. I accompanied Kanika till her hostel and she left saying a feeble bye.
I reached my flat and I realized I had a visitor. It was Zeeshan. This was the first time Zeeshan had come inside my flat. So it was strange to find him there. Moreover, I didn't meet him all that often now. He was busy with his classes. I was busy with my own stuff. So the moment I saw him, I knew something was up. And yet he was acting as if nothing new had happened. "So, what's up?" Zeeshan asked. "Nothing. Just coming back after meeting some AIDS patients with Kanika. Still a little dazed from the meeting. She hasn't spoken a word since," I said. Zeeshan seemed in deep thought. Zeeshan usually didn't have that look for so long. There was something going through his head and I had a feeling I knew what was it. Zeeshan beat around the bush for half an hour. He talked about my guitar and the cricket match. We never talked about cricket. Both of us knew he was just looking for a suitable chance to say what he had come to say. "So how is Kanika doing now?" Zeeshan asked. We were finally coming to the point. "She is better. I don't see her visibly sad any more, which is progress in itself." "You guys still on break?" "Romance is the last thing on our minds, Zeeshan. We have to get our lives back on track first." Zeeshan didn't say anything but the look on his face said a lot. It said `aha! I knew you would still be on a break because you have evil in your heart'. "I know what you are thinking. But you don't have to worry. I am madly in love with her," I said, sounding irritated. "Then why don't you sound believable when you say that?" "Because you don't want to believe me." Zeeshan had convinced himself that I was just kidding around with Kanika and his brain kept finding ways to justify my every action in line with that belief. There was nothing I could possibly do to change his opinion. "So, where is your relationship going?" Zeeshan asked. "See Zeeshan, it's really none of your fucking business," I said, in a tone which implied that it was end of the discussion. Any more probing could do serious damage to our friendship. If Zeeshan would
speak on this topic, he would be risking everything. "Go fuck yourself, Samar," he shouted. So this marked the end of any friendship between Zeeshan and me. We had had good times together. I regretted the day I had taken Kanika to meet him. If only the two of them had never met, Zeeshan would be a loner living alone in his flat with me being his only guitar student. "Enough!" I said with a forced smile. He was frustrated now. The temper in the room was beginning to rise. Both of us might have been smiling but we were both angry. "Don't worry about Kanika. I understand the situation better than you do. Let me handle it," I said. He gave me an angry look which turned into a helpless one. He decided to leave, having lost his best friend.
Zeeshan had messed up my head completely. I was sitting in my room but my heart was racing and my blood pressure was high. I felt like venting it out on something but nothing came to my mind. I realized I needed a game of tennis to clear my mind. I didn't have company so I decided to go on my own. I was hoping I would find somebody at the court. This was actually happening then. My friendship with Zeeshan had finally come to an end. It hurt. I was disappointed. I was sure Zeeshan wasn't really elated about the idea either. I wanted to believe that he would regret it. But he would not come back. It would be too big a dent on his ego to do so. It was sad. I reached the tennis court and it was deserted. People had come to play on Sunday morning and had already left. Right now, there was not a single person on the court, except me. The court looked beautiful in the blazing sun. I took the ball in my hand and smacked it against the wall. The ball came back at me and I hit it again. I liked the sound of the ball at this speed. It was cleansing in its own way. I just wanted to vent out as much energy as I could. Having done that for half an hour, I was sweating profusely but I felt better. My nerve was back to the normal and I felt at ease. I decided to walk back to my flat. A part of me was hoping Zeeshan would be waiting with an apology. I was walking slowly. Zeeshan was not there when I reached my flat. There was somebody else. It was Kanika. She was
using my laptop and got startled on seeing me. As if, she was doing something she would not want anyone to know. I looked at her closely and I realized that she was actually crying. There were trails of tears on both her cheeks. She tried to wipe her face quickly on seeing me. She kept the laptop aside and rushed to the washroom to wash her face. Behind her, I picked the laptop to see what she was watching. She was logged into Facebook. It was Radhika Merchant's Fan Page which was open. Radhika Aunty's picture was smiling as the display picture of the page. I remembered that I had Liked this page too. Kanika had left a Wall Post on the Fan Page. "No matter where you are Mom... You will always be in my heart..." I read through the Wall and I saw many people had posted similar posts. I scrolled down to look for any other posts from Kanika. I found another. "I haven't cried for a week Mom... You would have been so proud of me had you been here..." "I am sorry Mom..." "You had no right of leaving me here... all alone..." "I don't cry myself to bed Mom... You don't get worried..." Kanika seemed to have considered the fan page as a way of communicating with her mother. It was the most heart shaking thing I had seen after Aunty had passed away. "I know I should have stopped you Mom... I hope you would be able to forgive me not being an ideal daughter..." It shattered my silent hope that Kanika was getting better. She wasn't. I had tears in my own eyes on reading that. And she still seemed to blaming herself for what happened. I had spent hours telling her that she was not responsible for what happened but it seemed to have little effect on her.
Kanika walked out of the washroom that very moment. Her face was damp. She looked really disheveled. She tried hard to act normal. "Hey honey." "Hey. What's up?" Kanika said. "Just came from the practice. What are you up to? Any plans for the evening?"
"Zeeshan wants to go out for dinner. So I'll go with him." "Oh okay. Where is he taking you?" I said. "He didn't say. He said he wanted to talk so I just said okay." So this was it. Zeeshan was taking Kanika for dinner. This meant he was going to talk to her tonight. This was war. I did not want Kanika to go out for dinner with him. But it was too heavy a moment for me to interfere. The only thing Kanika didn't want was a complex situation. Kanika was mature enough to manage herself. She was now stable enough after the shock. But still, I could not settle the nerves in my tummy. "Okay..." I said and she left. I was nervous all evening. I just could not sit in one place. On one side, Kanika was increasingly unstable. On the other side, Zeeshan acted brainlessly. Thoughts kept coming and going out of my head like a dolphin jumping across the sea. And most of them were negative. In fact, all of them were negative. It was a test of my patience. And then at around 11 p.m., I said to myself `What the fuck am I doing?' I mean I had always taken pride in being calm and composed when it came to romance. I had never been insecure even for a second in my love life. I could not have possibly felt threatened by Zeeshan, who was a great friend of Kanika's but nothing more. Kanika called at twelve. As expected, I was still pretty restless. "So how was the dinner?" I asked, trying to sound calm, as if I knew nothing and cared little. "Let me come over and tell you, Samar. You are in your flat right?" "Yes. Same place." She seemed quite dishevelled when she walked in. I understood Zeeshan must have dropped her here after dinner. "So how was it?" I asked. Unfortunately, I had forgotten my mental note of making sure that I sound casual when I ask her. I had shown too much interest. I had faltered. "Hmm, so you already know?" Kanika asked. She had understood that I knew that Zeeshan was going to talk about something romantic. "Well, Zeeshan and I also had a little chat before he called you for dinner."
"Oh. I guess you would know everything." "No. I have no clue what actually happened." "And do you want to know?" "Obviously. I want to know about every proposal you get!" Kanika smiled. "Well he was really intent on talking. It seemed he had grossly over-planned the conversation," she said. "What did he say?" "He said he loves me," Kanika said. I was sure Zeeshan must have taken hours and hours in saying this thing which Kanika had told me in one simple sentence. I somehow wanted the details. "What did he say about me?" "Oh, he said you are just fooling around with me. And you are not the right thing for me at this point in life. I need stability. He said he knows this is not the best time to be talking about this, but he thought it was really important. And I need somebody with whom I see a future." I looked at Kanika blankly. I tried to look for any clues of what she thought of the whole situation. But every time I saw her, the same adjective came back into my head. Broken. How could Zeeshan have mustered the courage of seeing her and giving her more confusion? Why couldn't he see what I could see so clearly? She did not need to be thinking about all this at this moment. She needs to concentrate on getting her life back on track. She needed stability. So much load on her eighteen year old brain. I wanted hit she him.couldn't Not because doing to her, to what handle.he was trying to take my girl away from me. But because he was "So what are you thinking?" I asked. "Basically Zeeshan wants me to leave you and be with him," Kanika said, as if she was telling me that Zeeshan wants her to switch to coffee from tea. I was unsettled when I heard her put it this simply. It was almost as if she was indifferent to whatever I felt. Somehow, I felt very very nervous. Because after all, officially even Kanika and I were on break for the last three months. "Hey listen, I wanted to tell you something," I said to her. I had to tell her that I was not fooling around. I saw her as the woman of my life but just waiting for the right time. I wanted to tell her I had a plan which is waiting for its time to happen.
"Yes, tell me," she said. My heart was racing. I had to muster up a lot of courage. It is no joke telling someone you love her, truly. Just then her phone started ringing. The worst time there could ever be. It had taken me so much effort to get started with telling her. "Hey it is some international number calling, it must be Arshi," Kanika said and picked the call. We might have been in the middle of a very intense discussion, but women just have to be women. Those same old topics, those same old rants, even though Kanika was far from being hundred percent. I waited on, as Arshi blabbered on about every cosmetic available and not available in the market, their periods, each and every guy around them and a list of actors. And then came the most important topic of them all. Arshi's rant about being single. It went on and on and on. I thought of Arshi and thought of the kind of guy she should be with. But couldn't think of anyone. Kanika was on the phone for a good half an hour. I had seen her talk to Arshi before. Earlier, she used to be the most chirpy and bubbly girl when she was on the phone with her. She could discuss a random dress featured in a random magazine for hours. But today, they seemed to hardly have a topic to discuss. Kanika did not have anything to tell her. And she had no interest in hearing her stories. It was as if she was talking to her only for the old time sakes. I missed the old Kanika. She returned to me five minutes later. The phone call had made the mood of the room only heavier. I started from where I had left off. I preferred to be abrupt because there was no way I could have discussed anything else. "I need to know what you guys talked about," I said. Kanika's expression changed. She had finally taken me seriously. I was now going to get a proper answer. "Zeeshan told me about his part of life which he had never told to anyone," Kanika said. "Which part?" I asked. "Did yourespectable ever wonder Samar He thatcould whathave exactly in Zeeshan's life?point. I mean is an we MBBS from a very college. hadhappened an enviable career at this Buthewhen met him, the only place he seemed to belong was a rehab." "Do you think I care?" I said.
"Did you have any idea what happened which took him from a clinic to rehab?" Kanika asked. "No. What could it be? Some drunken binges or some weed?" "Listen Samar, Zeeshan is not like that. In fact he turned out to be very different from what I thought." "He is just doing this to reach you Kanika. He is just telling a stupid sad story..." "Shut up, Samar! You think I am a kid? I can't tell the truth from a lie?" "What did he say? Tell me what did he tell you?" "See, he had entered MAMC with dreams of saving people's lives. The moment he stepped in college, he fell in love with a girl in his batch. They were deeply in love and could not look at life beyond each other. Zeeshan was the guitarist who could never be taken off the stage. She was the best dancer in college." "I know, I know... Her dad didn't approve of him, right?" I mocked at the story. "You either listen or I am leaving Samar." "Okay, okay. Tell me then." "They were MBBS students but they had a life outside books as well. They studied in college but had fun in the hostel. They fell in love while preparing for their first performance ever and stayed in love thereafter. They were so close they did everything together," Kanika said. "Then..." I asked. "And then, college ended. Both of them were still madly in love. Zeeshan stayed back in Delhi for his internship but the girl decided to go to the US to pursue higher studies. And medical studies and internships are are no joke. People work for forty eight hours without sleeping at times. when theyOne are working, they working in the middle of blood, screams, tension. People's lives And are at stakes. mistake and the consequences can be fatal." I know..." "So, naturally, the two of them started drifting apart. The difference in the time zones did not help. They just could not find a way to talk to each other for months. Crazy schedules, crazy life, everything ust made it tougher and tougher. Things fell apart in a way that they could do nothing," Kanika said. "Okay," I said, asking her to continue. "And then one day, when Zeeshan was taking a breather during his internship, he called up his girl. She was sleeping and said she will call him back when she would be up. Zeeshan was really missing her. He really wanted to talk to her, find out what was happening in her life, hear her voice, be close to her. But she was in US and sleeping, so he could not do anything. So randomly, he thought of signing
into her email ID and read her emails. I know it is normally a big deal. But they were so close that it was okay amongst them to read mails. They had that kind of a relationship," Kanika said. "Hmm..." "He found out that the girl had been chatting with a guy quite regularly. The mails revealed they were in a strong relationship and she devoted ample time to him. She wasn't too busy for him. The stress of the internship had gotten onto her and she had given in by hooking up with a guy." I was staring blankly at Kanika. She was telling it as if it was her own story. "The shock broke him from the inside. He could not handle the shock. He decided to give up and come and picked his guitar and came here to live. And then, for the next one year, he made a complete wreck of himself. He gave up on everything. He had money from his internship which he used to subsist himself." "Then..." I asked "And then he made his worst realization. Running away did not make him feel any better. He had thought that giving up his medical career would make him feel better. But it didn't. In fact, the hollowness made him get only worse. He lost interest in everything," Kanika said. "And then he met us," I said. "Yeah. And then he met us. And his life got a new lease. The guitar classes were a turning point of his life. He understood that all was not over. He finally got closure on his unfulfilled love story. And then-" Kanika stopped midsentence. "And then he fell in love with you," I said. I was dazed. I was moved on hearing Zeeshan's story. Who would have thought there were such storms behind those droopy eyes? Who would have thought there were such dark truths behind the lock of that hair? "Yes, Samar. Then he fell in love with me," Kanika said, as she left the flat. "But it is not our headache that he fell in love with you!" "You don't understand! He is not a road side Romeo who falls in love every other day. He has a lot of emotional baggage. It is not as easy as you may think." I tried to look as if I cared but I couldn't fake it. Kanika looked at me and she knew I had no sympathy for Zeeshan. She looked fed up. She made a face and without giving me a chance to stop her, she left. I was too dazed to react to her departure. My head was clouded with too many thoughts. I did not know what to think or do. It seemed nothing was what it looked. What was Kanika thinking? What was Zeeshan doing? Where was all this headed?
Where did I stand? And where did we stand?
'he next day, I had only one thing on my mind. I was in my room. I realized that the incident had s haken up the feelings inside me. I had fallen in love with Kanika again. Kanikas face was the first thing that came to my mind. I was suddenly obsessed with her. A lot had happened on the previous day and I tried to put things in perspective. Until yesterday, I didn't know if it was the right time or not. I didn't know what to say to her and how to say it to her. But today, everything seemed too obvious to be missed. I had to tell her. And I had to tell her at the soonest possible. And I had to tell her in a way that would sweep her feet off the ground. The lecture after lunch was free which meant I would be free for three hours in the lunch break. Three hours was an ample opportunity to take her out. I could have taken her for lunch and tell her everything I wanted to. I called her up in the morning itself but her phone was busy. I thought I would just see her in the lecture hall and tell her we were going out for lunch. She would love the idea. I saw her in her lecture hall as I entered mine. I took a seat and took out my cell phone to message her. "Lets go out for lunch today." I sent. And waited for her reply. I just wanted to get done with it, at the first chance that I would get. And lunch was the first possible option. "Have plans. Going for a movie." I was bemused. She did not have any movie plans until late night yesterday. And first up this morning she already had movie plans. "With Zeeshan?" I was guessing. I just could not think of anybody else with whom she could have made plans of movie in such short span of time. No. It is Niel. He called in the morning and asked. I could not say no."
Niel! The last name I wanted to hear at this time. Now where did he come into the picture? I thought of the busy tone in the morning, when I called her. It must have been him, I thought. "Don't go :) " I replied. I sent the smilie as if I was kidding but I definitely wasn't. The mess was getting way too much for me to handle. I did not want any more complexity. I just wanted an opportunity to tell Kanika that I loved her. That would set things into perspective. I contemplated sending another SMS to her telling everything I felt. Just write `Kanika, I am madly in love with you' and get done with it. But my brain knew better than that. Perhaps, it was a terrible idea. At one o'clock, Kanika left for the movie. Niel did not make me insecure. Not with his new found paunch anyway. But he definitely made me nervous. I had seen that the guy was capable of anything at all. He was capable of several theatrics. I did not feel good about Kanika being around him. I ate alone, thinking of Kanika. I kept telling myself it was just a movie after all. Why can't all these people leave me and Kanika alone? I mean I shouldn't have to take an appointment with my own girlfriend to take her out, right? But all my efforts to not be tensed about her movie outing were futile. I could not think of anything else. I had to tell her that I loved her. And then she can meet as many guys as she wants. She returned just in time for the afternoon lecture. I didn't see her until the break after the first lecture. I went outside her lecture hall and messaged her to see me there. She looked neat today. She hadn't dressed up to meet Niel but still taken out better clothes. Also, she looked at peace. "So how was it?" I asked. "Pretty good, actually." "You mean the meeting was good?" "Oh, no. I thought you were asking about the movie. The movie was good." "But how was the outing?" "That was good too. But we hardly talked, as you would expect when two people go for a movie in ust a three hour lunch break." Kanika smiled. That made sense. Niel could not have a chance to fool around. "Did he say anything about me?" I asked.
I don't know why I felt like knowing this. But having heard that Zeeshan had said nasty things about me to her, I was curious if Niel was doing the same thing. "Well, nope. Niel is a gentleman, Samar. You don't have to worry about him saying stuff about you," I said. "Did he say anything about Zeeshan then?" "No. He didn't. In fact, I told him what happened." "You told him?" I said. I was surprised. "I was really close to that guy at one stage. The comfort level with him comes back pretty fast," Kanika said. I couldn't argue with that. Somehow, that unsettled my nerve a little bit. I know I shouldn't have been getting so nervous. It was just two friends hanging out casually. But deep inside, I knew why I was so nervous about both, Niel and Zeeshan. The thing was that I had still not told Kanika that I had decided that she was the one for me. As far as she knew, we were still a casual college romance. After all, she had every right to want stability and meet a guy who will eventually be the one for her. Had I told her from the beginning that we were up to something serious, it might have worked out between us. So there, sitting in the lecture, right next to Kanika, I decided that tonight was it. I closed my eyes and kept my head in my hands. I tried to imagine a scene where I was proposing to her. It seemed so perfect in my head that I bloated with pleasure. I was kicked, I was psyched. I just could not wait for it to actually happen. I looked at Kanika. She was standing there looking at people walking by. She was everything I could have wanted in the woman of my life. I was in love with her. She was perfect.
The lecture ended and the next one began. But I couldn't stop thinking of Niel. What was he up to? What did he want? I wanted to find the real him. By the time the last lecture ended, I had an idea in mind. The lecture got over and I connected my hands free chord into my cell phone and turned on the radio in my phone.
I knew at seven o'clock, they air the loyalty test program. So I waited for it to start and the moment they announced their number, I started calling the RJ frantically. Luckily, my call got through in fifteen minutes. I explained to the RJ that I had a doubt that Niel was messing around with a friend of mine. The RJ heard patiently and decided to carry out a loyalty test on Niel. As she rang his cell, I waited for him to pick her call with baited breath. "Hello?" Niel said. "Hi Niel. I am calling from Big Cinemas. How are you today?" "I am good. What is it about?" "Well Niel, we are giving away free movie tickets for a couple. So we wanted to know would you be interested in them?" "Yeah sure." "Great. But the catch is that you can come for the movie only with the woman you truly love and nobody else." Niel grew silent. The next thing he would say would reveal how serious he is about Kanika. "Well, the girl I truly love will not come with me," he said and rejected the call. The RJ turned to me. I had been holding on the call silently all this while. She didn't have much to say though. It rarely happened on her show. The generation hardly had any morals. I was taken aback. I just hadn't expected that Niel will turn out to be a genuine person. And it was intimidating. It ruled out the possibility that he was just fooling around.
I had other plans for the evening. This was the big evening. As soon as I hung up the RJ's call, I headed off to the market. As I drove, I thought about what I was doing. A few months ago, I would have dismissed anyone as an idiot who would be doing what I was doing right now. I was anti-true love. And now, I was myself a victim, or rather a survivor. I bought all the stuff and reached back my room at eight thirty. I ordered some good food. We were going to have dinner together. I set up the room just as I had imagined in my head. It was now ready for Kanika to walk in any moment.
It was ten o'clock already. It was going to be a late dinner. I could not wait. Now, all I had to do was lit up the candles and call Kanika. I would call her and tell her to come to the flat. As far as I knew her, the moment she would step in, she would figure out what was I up to. I did a last minute check around the room. The room was crystal clean. The food was here. I was wearing my favourite clothes. The smell was just perfect. The air was oozing with romance. I finally made the call. Kanika's phone was busy. That meant she was on a call because she did not have the call waiting thing on her phone. She had got it deactivated because she claimed she found it too irritating. And this fact was super irritating for me. I sat down on the chair. And thought I would give her a call in ten minutes. I did. Again, her phone was busy. It seemed she was on a longish call. I would have to wait. Ten minutes later, I tried again. Again, it was busy. This time I decided I would keep calling continuously thebeeps moment getcalls. through. It was not likeI Igot wasrestless. disturbing her conversation because she wasn't evenuntil getting for Imy I made a routine. Find her number in the phonebook. Press the dial button. Listen to the operator telling me that the number is busy and then disconnect. Repeat. An hour past with the routine. I checked the time. It was 11:30. The candles had already been consumed. The food was too cold to be eaten. The room spray had faded away. My neat and ironed shirt was creased and sweaty because I could not turn on the fan. The evening had turned out exactly the reverse of what I had hoped. I could not have gone to the girls' hostel at this hour. I was not allowed to enter. I called another female classmate of mine and asked her to check Kanikas room. It was locked. I panicked. Kanika was missing by all practical definitions and I had no clue. I really did not know what to do. I really did not know who to ask. I did not want to call Zeeshan. We were just not on those terms any more. All I could do was sit and sulk. I could wasmy turnmind on my watching ThisWeirdly, was the the onlyonly waything I could havedo taken offlaptop her andand killstart some hours. my favourite TV series. Obviously, it didn't work. But it did fill my head with enough noise. I tried to occupy myself with as many thoughts as I could. It didn't work.
My heart was racing. I sent her a message, telling her to get in touch whenever she could. But she didn't. And I had to resort back to the routine. Phone Book. Kanika. Call. Reject. Phone Book. Kanika. Call. Reject. Phone Book. Kanika. Call. Reject. But it didn't help. Her phone was constantly busy.
At 2:30 in the night, my phone rang. It was Kanika. I had little energy left to be angry at her. I was confident there was a good explanation for all this. "Hey," I said, receiving her call. "Hey, where are you Samar?" Kanika said. As expected, her voice was grave. She was serious. "In my room." "Okay. Will be there in ten minutes." I went to the gate of the college to receive her. I did not want her to walk alone from the college to my flat. I saw her and something struck me. "How did you manage to sneak out of your hostel at three in the night? I mean didn't you have to argue with your warden?" I asked. "You forgot you told me before our first meeting? That the watchman at the back door is open to persuasion," she said and left. "But that was at eleven. It is 2:30 right now!" "Yeah. That's why I had to fake some tears," Kanika said and walked in. I saw her properly and I knew something was seriously wrong. She seemed winded, to say the least. I calculated that she had been on the phone for at least last five hours. It must have been something long and complex. "Who was it?" I asked when she entered. "It was Niel."
A five hour conversation with Niel which left her winded. It did not auger too well for me. It could only mean bad news. "What does he want?" Kanika looked at me. She sensed the tension in my voice. Her look only confirmed my worries. I was sure things had happened over the phone. "He wants to get back." "And?" "He used every argument he could think of. He was quite adamant. He said this will be it. It will be the final deal. He wants to take the next step. He said I was the one." "Hmm," I said. Kanika seemed to be selling his argument to me. This was definitely not good news for me at all. We were walking slowly back to my flat. We were still on our way. If only, she would let me present my side until we reach the flat. But my biggest fear was that there might be nothing left to say by the time we reach my flat. "He said he was sorry for who he was earlier. He wanted to settle down and get down to something more fulfilling. He said he was not a one-woman man but he now wanted to become one." I did not like the sound of this. It was evident that he had managed to get her thinking. My first reaction was surprise. After all the mess he had created while breaking up the last time, I really thought Kanika would never as much as see his face again. But he was a smooth talker, who genuinely needed Kanika in his life. He could have talked his way and he had, it seemed. Kanika which was Now, bad news enough. If only episode had waited forreaction. a night, ItI would havewas toldthinking, Kanika everything. whatever I would do this would seem like a counter would seem as if I am telling her I love her because I was scared of losing her to Niel or Zeeshan. Shit. Shit. Shit. This was not supposed to happen. I was so close to sealing it but had managed to mess it up so effortlessly. All my thoughts were narrowing down to just one thought. Should I tell her what I wanted to tell her today itself. If I would, it would come across as only a reaction to what Niel had said. Or I could wait for a day or two. I could not wait. I had to get it out of my system immediately. I could not wait till Kanika would have already made a decision.
We were walking on a deserted road at three in the night. The breeze was cold and pleasant. It could not have been more romantic and unsafe. Delhi, they say, is not a very safe city. I decided I was going to take her inside the flat and unfold the surprise I had planned for her. Kanika was still clueless of what was going to happen. I opened the door of my flat and turned on the lights. Kanika stepped in and was shocked. Her favourite wall in the flat had disappeared. Arshi had once bought yellow curtains for the window on this wall. And then Kanika had taken the curtains away to cut them into a yellow dress. Today, the wall was instead covered with small chits of paper. She looked closely. She noticed that every chit of paper had something written on it. Kanika started from the top left corner of the bunch of chits on the wall. She pulled out the first chit and held it close to her face. It had the following text written over it: It is okay. A pretty girl ditched me to go with some other guy. The regular. ;) The message made no sense to her. She looked at me quizzically. "What is it?" she said in her bleak voice. She had had a long day. She was tired and winded. "It is the first ever text message I sent to you, Kanika. And all these chits carry all these messages we have ever exchanged. I realized there could not have been a better way of recapping all the time we have spent together," I said. I walked towards the wall and randomly picked up one of the chits from the wall. I read the chit I had pulled. The message read: This lecture is so boring that I would rather watch a Karan johar movie. Kanika and I both laughed out loud reading theitmessage. two of us could understand what that message meant and under what on circumstance must haveOnly beenthe sent. "I bet it must have been a lecture by Prof Shulda," Kanika said. And then Kanika waited for me to pull up another chit to evoke another memory from the wonderful time we had spent together. I pulled another chit which had more text that the others and read it loud. Sex has three stages - Tri-weekly. Try weekly. And try weakly. It was a forwarded joke which Kanika had once sent me in the early days of our friendship. It had obviously completely skipped our memories after all these months. But today, when we read it, it was a laughing riot. We laughed so loud that I had to check my
volume to ensure I don't wake up the neighbours. Soon, both Kanika and I were out of breath. A few minutes later, our stomach started hurting. It wasn't just the joke which was making us laugh. It was also the cocktail of emotions we had gone through on that day. And then in the middle of it all, I had bombarded Kanika with all these wonderful memories. Both of us were obviously shaken. Kanika went to the right most corner of the wall. She picked the last paper chit on the wall and pulled it off. Logically, it was supposed to be the recent most message I had sent to her. Kanika, I love the way you dress everyday as if you knew it was going to be a great new day. I love the way you frown and ignore every time the food sucks. I love the way you make me feel as ifI am the least boring person in the world. I love the way you are interested in every piece of bullshit happening in my life. I love the way you want to talk to me, even when you have stuff to do. I love the way you make me feel like stopping everybody walking on the road and introducing you as the girl I would be spending the rest of my life with. Kanika read the message and she was bemused. "But you never sent this message?" she asked. Just then, her phone beeped. She received the same message in her phone. I had sent it just then. Kanika read it once again. She looked at me with love in her eyes. "I wanted to say something to you," I said to her, my voice exiting my lips and going nowhere but to her ears. "What?" she whispered. "That I love you." The moment I said it, a gush of blood went through my body. If it shook me up like this, I wondered how it must have felt to her. Personally, I could have sworn there is no better feeling in the world. "And I just don't love you," I added. "I lurrrve you. The word love is just not enough. I need to invent stronger words to tell you how I feel." She looked at me as if to confirm that I was not kidding. It took a second to sink in. But it did. There was a pause. Every particle in my body was alert in anticipation of what she was going to say. This was it. Years of meeting women, trying to understand what they wanted but more importantly, what I wanted, I had finally made a decision. I had managed to tell myself that this was it. I had convinced myself that she was the one for me. I could not wait for her to speak.
"Samar, when all I ever wanted was to hear these words from you, you never said them," Kanika said. My heart crashed. The sound of that sentence did not make me feel good at all. "I mean, you could not have chosen a worse time for saying it. Of all the evenings in the calendar, you chose today?" Kanika said. I groped my mind to come up with a reaction to that. "I was just waiting for the right moment, Kanika. I mean, I have known that I love you for quite some time now," I said and held her hand. "I just wanted you to reach normalcy first and then for us to get a settled and then take the next step. But then... I realized nothing will change even after I am settled. It is best to do it now..." Kanika looked into my eyes. I knew the look. It was clear that she was madly in love with me. I could never mistake the look. The question really was if love was all that Kanika wanted in the man in her life. "Why do you look so, so adorable today?" I asked. "Because I am," she replied and smiled. A few seconds later, I saw what was happening. I was so sodden in romance that it was all instinctive. My head moved forward, within a few inches from her lips. I waited there, for her to move her head the last inch. I could feel the air exiting her nostrils on my chin. I went 90 percent. She would have to travel the last 10 percent. Our heads were within a few inches of each other. It was difficult to tell where my space ended and her began. There was romantic curiosity hanging in that room. I had no idea what was going through her head. Kanika would have to concentrate all her energy to not give in now. She held the back of my head and kissed me. It was a romantic kiss. She pushed her head backwards, indicating that she wanted a break in kissing. She made a face as if she was not happy about something. "I know I am a terrible kisser," I said. "Glad you know," she added. "But if I improve after every time we kiss, after a thousand kisses I might be worthy of you," I said. "I was just kidding," she said. "You are an amazing kisser. Probably in the top four percent of all the guys I have kissed," she said and tried to smile.
I motioned my head forward again to kiss her but this time Kanika backed out. She wanted to talk. Her mind was racing and so was mine. "I just don't know what to do or say any more Samar. I am more confused than I have ever been," Kanika said. "What is there to think?" I asked. Kanika stared at me. I knew that if she did not reply immediately, it meant she wasn't sure anymore. "The question is not whether I love you or not. I mean, I might want a little more than just a guy who I love the most. I need a guy who wants to be with me forever," Kanika said. "Yes. And I am that guy." "I want to believe that Samar but..." Kanika stopped midsentence. "I know. I know it's not an easy decision. It is really hard. But if you could see what I can see, you would have had no doubt. If you knew how much I love you, you wouldn't have had second thoughts," I said. She trembling. She shivered and looked confused. She had no clue what to say, what to think or what to was do. She was bemused. "I really don't know what to say anymore," she said. "Just do me a favour, Kanika. Just go to sleep tonight. And then, tomorrow morning, when you wake up, imagine yourself sixty years old. And think.. .who you would want next to you. You will get your answer," I said. Kanika nodded. She was going to do this for me. "Now let me walk you back to your hostel." We silently walked back to her hostel in silence. I had absolutely no clue what was going through her head. I heard her sob silently from time to time. She was taking it pretty bad. First, she hadn't gotten over her mother's trauma completely. On top of that, three guys around her seemed to have launched themselves onto her. She could not have been more lost. I wanted to tell her that by tomorrow evening, everything will be alright. We would be a happy couple and there would be much lesser occupying her head. But I just couldn't muster enough courage. Because I just wasn't sure of that.
became who I am, in that hour when I proposed to Kanika. That hour shaped the rest of my life. I reached myhave room saw as thesoon clock. was 4 a.m. I knew she will anand answer as It she wakes up.I tried to estimate that Kanika will be up by ten. So that meant I had an agonizing wait of six hours before I got to know. I knew going to sleep was out of the question. In fact, I was so restless I could not even sit in one place. I was walking around my flat. I had always believed that the best way to stay distracted is an American TV series. But then, I didn't want to watch anything even remotely connected to romance. I wanted to do something more boring than that. So I started a game on my laptop, Age of Empire. It had been an ultimate tool for me to stay distracted every single time earlier. But today, it just didn't seem to work. I made more mistakes than I used to make. My performance was terrible. So I decided to call up an old friend. But my hands went on to my laptop and opened Kanika's Facebook Profile. I looked at her photograph and my heart started beating faster. I prayed that she makes a sensible decision tomorrow. In spite of the late hour, my friend did pick the call. What was even better, he was drunk. So he just didn't seem to run out of topics to discuss. We hung up at 6.30am. He just dozed off while talking to me. But I was still wide awake and restless. I still had approximately four more hours to kill. The sun was out and the birds were chirping. I noticed that people were going for a walk. I realized that was a good way to keep my head in its place. Exercise and fresh air are known to de-stress. So I left for the park for my first early morning walk in many years. I reached the park and took a deep breath. There really couldn't have been a more refreshing feeling. I took a walk around and I liked the feeling it generated in my head. I stood in silence looking around at people, there were happy couples, there were sad couples and there were bored couples. I thought of Zeeshan. Was he what Kanika needed? He had cared for her all throughout without expecting anything in return? At no point, had he had any second thoughts about being in love with her. And now that he was up on his feet, he had the spine to keep her happy.
Or there was Niel. Come on, she could not be serious about him? But was there something about the guy that she loved? Did he really love her? Or was he coming back because girls didn't want him anymore, now that he had become less desirable?
I saw a bunch of boys playing cricket in the park. They must be around twelve in age. I realized there really wasn't a better way to keep my head from what I wanted to keep it. Ideally, I would have preferred tennis but cricket was right in front of me. "Can I play with you guys?" I went up to them and said. They welcomed the idea. When they started dividing their teams, there was a fight over me. Both the captains desperately wanted to not pick me. The usual. I scored a few runs and surprised them. There is no feeling better than being a hero on a sports field. The game went on for a few hours. And then at around eight, the guys decided to leave. "Hey you guys can't go," I told them. "We have to play," I said. I was hoping I would be able to play with them till ten. That way I would not have to wait any more when I go back to my room. "But we have to go or our Mom will scold us," they said and ran away. They were kids. They had their mommies to worry about. As I said, everybody had their own set of problems. I thought hard as to where else could I keep my head busy for another hour. I was thinking of a place where I would not be alone and I would not be idle. And also, a place where I could casually drop by at eight in the morning in a sweaty Tshirt. Normally, the answer would have been Zeeshan's place. But I could not have even gone to his place now. The fight had ensured that I might never go to his place ever again. So I walked back to my flat. Why do I keep finding myself making depressing walks back to my flat all the time these days? The walk did exactly what I had been avoiding since I said bye to Kanika. It took my thoughts back to her. My thoughts went back to yesterday, when I had sat down and opened the Message Inbox of my phone. My phone had a capacity of infinite messages in it. So therefore, even though I had never realized it, I had had all my messages of all throughout my college life. I scrolled down the first message I had sent her. It evoked an intense euphoria in my body. I realized I had to evoke all these emotions in her. And if I did, Kanika would forget everything and see my love. God, I missed her as I walked back to my flat. I knew I could do anything to make Kanika say that she wanted to spend her life with me. But I
knew there was nothing I could do now. I could only wait for her to make a call. I was reminded of that moment when I had met Aunty for the last time. That was the first time I had realized the immense impotency of mankind. I had realized that there are many things in life about which you cannot do anything. All you can do is sit and see them happen. I kept walking back to my flat dazed. I planned on breaking some furniture when I reach my flat to vent my agony. It was getting too much to take. I just had to do something or my head would fall apart. So I decided to call her up. She rejected the call. That only added to my frustration. What? I messaged her. And thus began the most agonizing wait for a reply in the history of mobile phone networks. My phone beeped. I had a feeling this was it. I knew this message would either make it or break it. 'Samar, its not gonna happen' read the message. This was it. Kanika had declared the verdict. She had rejected my love. My first reaction was depression. heart beat andwas I felt distraught. I had no idea how to just reacta reaction. to it. And then I saw reason in herMy opinion. Fromsoared what she seeing, my expression of love was Now that I was out of the picture, I hoped it was Zeeshan. Not because I liked him, but because I hated Niel more. Zeeshan seemed capable of a happy future. Niel was way too lame. Either ways, I decided to mend my friendship with Zeeshan. I thought I would drop by at his place and say Hi. And also, find out what is going on, in the process. I reached his place and found Zeeshan sitting on his bed, smoking a cigarette. Somehow, I had convinced myself that he would be celebrating when I would reach his place. But it was just the opposite. He seemed as if he would break down into tears any moment. On seeing me, a volcano of anger seemed to have erupted inside him. "Samar?" he said, breathing heavily with frustration. "What happened Zeeshan?" I asked. "Kanika just sent me a message thanking me for everything I have done. And she has also said a final Bye," Zeeshan said. So the Zeeshan was not the one. That meantmad it was Zeeshan, that he was taking news really, really bad. He looked withNiel! anger.On Heseeing seemed capable Iofrealized doing anything. "Take it easy. Relax a little," I said.
"I can do one of three things right now," he said. "I can break you head. I can break my own head. Or I can forget all of you and go away," he shouted at me. Zeeshan was trembling as he said this. I had never seen anyone this agitated. "Easy Zeeshan," I said and kept a hand on his shoulder. He put my hand away. "But in none of these cases, I get Kanika..." he said, looking down. I did not know what to say to console him. Also, I was too occupied with the thought of Kanika having chosen Niel. It was too devastating a thought. I almost did not want to think of it. The only thing worse than a rejection from Kanika could be seeing her with him. "Take care, man" I said, as I started to leave. Clearly, he didn't want company at this stage. "Bye, Samar. I think it is time I started studying for my Post Graduation," Zeeshan said. The best idea ever. I wished him the very best and left. For the final time this time.
Yet again, I was on a walk back to my room. It was a ten minute walk from Zeeshan's place. I thought of Niel. I wanted to find out what had happened. So I called him. "Yes, Samar?" he said. He seemed pissed off. It sounded more like `what do you want now?' "Hi, Niel. How are you?" "Well, I am a little caught up. Any special reason you called?" "Yeah. I was looking for Kanika. Would you know where she is?" "I had a fight with her a few hours back. So I have no idea where she is." "Fight? What happened?" "She called me and tried to explain to me that she was not in love with me." "Okay. So what did you say?" "Keep out of it. I just don't ever want to hear from you or Kanika. Ever." "Tell me what you said, Niel." Tempers were rising in the conversation. Both of us were getting pissed off. I had a feeling Niel had once again done something he shouldn't have. And he would make me feel like punching him in his face once again.
"I told her who she is." "Tell me what you said, Niel, " I said, really firm this time. "I told her she is a slut." "You what? Fuck you, you bastard. This is the last thing she needed at this time." I was shocked on hearing that. Now the only question was how had Kanika taken it. On some other day, she could have laughed it off and left it behind her. But at this stage, she was capable of taking it really bad. "Yeah. She had a similar reaction. But I just had to tell her what I thought of her." "Just pray to your stars that you never cross my path in your life, asshole. Because if you do, it won't be pleasant," I said. "Go fuck yourself, Samar. Even your Kanika was also shedding tears over what I had said. But I have had enough of you two." "How could you? You are such an asshole. What the fuck were you thinking?" "I gave her what she deserved. You know what she did? You know what she fucking did to me?" Niel was getting hysterical now. "What?" "She carried out another loyalty test on me and that too with the same RJ. She did not even fucking change the RJ! Thank God I had the RJ's phone number saved in my phone, otherwise I wouldn't even know that it was the same RJ calling me again," Niel shouted and he hung up. I was taken aback. So Niel hadn't genuinely cleared the loyalty test. He had known from the beginning that it was a prank. I was losing control over myself. Neither Zeeshan, nor Niel had taken it well. Zeeshan had lashed out at me. And Niel had had a go at Kanika. I believe I didn't expect this because this is not how it happens in the movies. People accept rejection with so much more grace in the movies. Only one thing was going through my head at that time. Where was Kanika and how had she taken it? I had a very bad feeling about this.
So it wasn't me, Zeeshan or Niel. Kanika had taken a decision different from what I had thought. My head was spinning. Where was she and what was she thinking? What was going through her head. So much seemed to have happened in a night. On top of that, I hadn't slept and had spent the morning
outside. I was tired. A part of me wanted to go to sleep. A part of me thought going to sleep was the stupidest thought ever. With these thoughts, I reached my flat.
I opened the door and the ground beneath my feet disappeared. The chits on the wall that I had left had disappeared. Instead there was stuff written on the wall with a marker. Mom had said it to me when you had come, that when you judge the man for you, judge him on the years you have known him. And not just on that one night when he seems the most adorable and correct person in the world. So the question really was what had my heart been saying all this time? But then I realized, that all this time you hadn't told me that you love me. But still, I had seen it all in your eyes from day one. So all I really had to decide was to whether to trust your mouth or your eyes. I know you love me, Samar. And I love you too. But I don't deserve you. I know you don't believe I was responsible for what happened to Mom but I do. Samar, its not gonna work out. It's not gonna work out? I just did not agree. I was shocked on reading it. I wanted to tell her that she deserved me more than anyone ever could. Even though the note ended on a negative note, deep inside I was elated on reading it. Kanika had chosen me over Zeeshan and Niel, but she had succumbed to her inferiority complexes. Now all I had to do was to show her how great things were going to be. My eyes fell on the mirror and I realized my smile was really broad. All the tension built up inside was coming out. If she was in front of me right now, I would have hugged her and I was confident that the hug would have erased all her doubts. But she wasn't in front of me. I just couldn't wait to talk to her and tell her how great things were going to be. So I called her number. I dialled her number on my phone. I heard the ring of her phone come from somewhere within my home. That's what it was. She was playing games with me. She was hiding somewhere in the house itself. I pictured myself opening the door and seeing her smiling at me, with a naughty look on her face. How would I resist myself from kissing her all over when I see her? I opened the door of my bathroom and expected to see her inside. That was where she had to be. I
entered and what I saw made my heart stop beating. There was blood on the floor. Kanika had slit her wrist. She was unconscious and blood was gushing out of her wrist. I blanked out for a few seconds. I just couldn't comprehend what I was seeing. And then I came back to my senses. I was breathing heavily. I checked her pulse but was too disconcerted to make any sense of it. I just couldn't stop shivering.
left the bathroom and went to Roy's room. He had borrowed my car the previous evening. If anyone had ever wanted a car, it was me at that moment. But the keys were nowhere. Roy had obviously taken the car with him. I took the phone out of my pocket and called the ambulance. "Hello. Please send the Ambulance immediately. H19, sector 24, Rohini," I said. My voice was hardly coming out of my mouth. The rhythm of my breath was too disturbed to be able to speak properly. The wait for the ambulance was a long one. It was just I and her in the house and I couldn't do anything except waiting for the ambulance. Blood was still gushing out of the cut on her wrist. I wrapped a piece of cloth around it to lessen the blood flow. I ran outside to wait for the ambulance so that I could guide them in case they have trouble finding the place. I thought if I could stop a passing car and explain to him what had happened, maybe he would offer some help. In a few minutes, a Maruti Swift passed by. I waved profusely asking the car to stop. But the car didn't stop. I knew I must have looked really scary, being so dishevelled. But the sun was shining brightly. Why the fuck were these people being scared of me? It's not like I was capable of over overpowering them. Every passing second seemed like an hour. I waited, waited, waited. I ran back inside to see if Kanika was getting any worse. The whole bathroom floor was soaked in blood now. I had always loved action movies and loved it every time blood spilled on screen. But seeing blood of somebody you love, right in front of you, just doesn't compare. Your heart palpates every moment you see it. I just didn't know what to do except waiting for the ambulance. Which finally appeared a long time later. I checked my watch and realized it had only been ten minutes since I had called them. Even though it had seemed much more. The ward boys came in with a stretcher. The way they picked Kanika sank my heart even more. They lifted her as if she was a lifeless lump of tissues lying on the bathroom floor. I sat with her in the ambulance. A compounder started an initial treatment in the ambulance itself. My brain was too shrouded to pay attention to what he was doing. I was just looking at her.
She looked lifeless. I thought of the day when I had first met her. One would have thought this girl can never ever be sad in life. And for the last three months, she had been a wreck. And in a tiny way, even I felt responsible for that. The compounder bandaged her hand to cut the blood flow. She looked colourless, as if all the blood had been drained from her body. Suddenly, the sight really weakened me. I felt as if I hadn't eaten for months. I felt like lying down but it wasn't possible in the ambulance. So I had to brave the feeling somehow. We reached the hospital and she was transferred to the Operation Theatre. I called Mr Vinod Merchant. "Hello sir, this is Samar," I said. "Oh. Hi Samar." "Sir, I need to talk to you..." "You sound flustered. All's well?" he asked. "Kanika has met with an accident." "Accident? You mean car accident?" "No, it was accident within the house." "Accident in the house?" "Kanika has tried to slit her wrist, sir. I have brought her to Mahaveer Hospital. I think you should come." He showered a flurry of questions on me. I told him what happened. After hanging up, I looked at Kanika glass as be doctors discussed caseto amongst each other every nerve in my body was justthrough prayingthe things will alright. I neededher things be alright. She hadand to live. A hospital staff approached me. "Sir, can you please look into the formalities?" "Can you wait for a while? I am really nervous right now," I said. "No sir. Formalities really need to be taken care of right now." I succumbed. Even though I was really not in a state to concentrate on the formalities at that stage. It was a stupid rule to pull people away from such a delicate situation and make them fill forms. Kanika was shifted to an Operation Theatre. Mr Vinod and Zeeshan reached an hour later. I told them what had happened. I was hoping they would not blame me for what happened. Mr Vinod was a
reasonable man. When I told him everything, he nodded his head. "Has the doctor said anything about her condition?" he asked. "Nothing as yet." He grew silent. I looked at Zeeshan to check his reaction. He wasn't saying anything but I could see that he blamed me for everything. But he had enough sense to not bring this up at this delicate moment. "Zeeshan, will you talk to the doctors about Kanika's condition?" Mr Vinod suggested. "Sure uncle. Whenever they come out, I will have a talk with them." "Can't you go inside? You are a doctor after all," I asked. "It will really not be appropriate." So we waited outside anxiously, for the doctors to come. The treatment had been going on for almost two hours now. I myself had that feeling in my stomach. Surely, good things happen to good people. Then how can anything cruel happen to the most harmless person in the world? I realized how I had taken her presence for granted. It was like, I had assumed she would always be around. Even if it wouldn't be with me, I believed she will be happy wherever she will be. She was a happy person, a kind of a person you would least expect to do something as rash as this. "Let's go and have something beta," said Mr Vinod. "It's okay sir. Let me wait here," I said. Mr Vinod left for the canteen to grab something. They said when a person is about to die, his entire life passes through his eyes. I was not about to die, but every minute that I had spent with Kanika flashed through my eyes. Our first meeting, first fight, first patch up. And then the last night. It wasn't supposed to end this way. It was supposed to have a happy ending, I kept telling myself. There was something missing. It wasn't real. But then, it was. Mr Vinod returned. I tried to smile. I didn't like myself in this sulky condition. But it was going to remain so until Kanika would be declared safe, out of danger. I had been walking left to right all throughout the waiting period. My energy level began to take a dip. The emotional energy had been giving me great physical energy. But I feel an urge to sit down. I sat down and closed my eyes. More memories of the two of us together flood my head. With my closed eyes I pictured her sitting next to me and talking to me. Suddenly a terrible thought crossed my mind. I pictured her lying in the operational theatre and her
soul leaving her body. It was a feeling I would not want even my worst enemies to feel. If I had a weak heart, it was worthy of a heart attack. My eyes blacked out. My brain froze. The blood in my veins stopped flowing. I knew it was an imagination but for that second I was convinced it was true. I opened my eyes with a start and realized it had been an imagination. Mr Vinod saw me come to life suddenly and understood I had had a terrible thought. He nodded his head to make me feel better.
When finally the nurse came out, Mr Vinod and I stood up in a second. Zeeshan was standing closer to the door so that he could talk to whoever came out. The nurse was looking down, trying to avoid eye contact. It made me nervous. Zeeshan made a desperate attempt to talk to her. I could see where I was standing that he managed to exchange a few sentences with her. Once she was gone, Mr Vinod and I approached him. "She says she could need four units of blood," Zeeshan said. "But how is she?" I asked. "She didn't say anything." "Hmm." Mr Vinod and Kanika had the same blood group. So the nurse took him inside the Operation Theatre for blood donation. Zeeshan and I had to go the blood bank to donate blood. We convinced another person present in the hospital to donate blood. When Mr Vinod came out, I asked him "How did she look?" "She is unconsciousness and there are tens of needles and pipes going inside her," he said. It was visible that he had been shaken by the sight. It couldn't have been easy I know. "You think she will be okay?" I asked. There was no rationale behind the question. I knew he could not have known. I was just looking for an assurance. It was an ineffective placebo. I knew he wouldn't know any better than I did. It was just assurance coming from someone who had actually seen Kanika. The operation had been going on for three hours. I thought of the doctors, who mustn't have blinked an eye for those three hours. The nurse came out again. Zeeshan hurried towards her to get anything out of her. But she was solid.
She didn't reveal a word. Instead she came to Mr Vinod. Probably, because he seemed the calmest of the three of us. "Can you get these medicines for the patient?" the nurse said. "Sure," Mr Vinod replied. "Wait, I will also come," Zeeshan said behind him. He probably thought he could be of some use in case the written medicines were not available. That left just me in the waiting room. It was a depressing place. There was a smell of phenyl in the air and wherever I looked, I saw tensed faces of strangers. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was just not taking a rest. I fiddled with my phone but couldn't distract myself. I saw a piece of paper on a table close to me. I picked it up and felt like writing. My thoughts were drenched with Kanikas memories. I picked the paper and started writing.
The operation finally ended four hours later. It was the big moment, as if I was going to hear the
most important sentence of my life. The doctor walked towards us. He didn't seem to be trying to avoid eye contact. He was looking at us, even though his stoic expression gave nothing away. I tried to look for signs, as Mr Vinod and I started walking towards him. The doctor had a firm look in his eyes. That could have only meant good news. But he wasn't smiling, which seemed like a bad omen. But what do you expect from a man who had been mentally taxed for last four hours? Smiling can be a tough job.
anika was shifted to a room. The doctors had told us that she needed to rest for a few hours and when she will be conscious, we could go and meet her. We waited outside for her to get conscious. I was relieved that she was alright but somehow, the pit in my stomach had not settled. I knew it won't until I actually see her in front of my eyes. When the nurse told us we could go inside, Mr Vinod, Zeeshan and I entered the room. Kanika looked much better. The colour in her face had come back. And she wasn't visibly ill apart from the heavily bandaged wrist. If you covered her hand, she could easily be lying in her room on a Sunday afternoon, watching TV. We were all smiling silently, as we walked in. Kanika returned an embarrassed smile. I could see that the effect of anaesthesia hadn't completely worn off. Mr Vinod and Zeeshan stood on one side of her. I stood on the other and held her hand, the one which was not bandaged. I needed a stronger connection with her. The connection of human touch. Kanika was looking at me. And we were both thinking what to say, if anything. And then she turned her head and looked at Mr Vinod. "Sorry dad," she said in a very soft voice. "Don't be, beta," Mr Vinod said, as he stroked her head. She didn't look stable enough to be really talking. "What were you thinking beta?" Mr Vinod said. "First your mother and now you. What would I do...?" "I am sorry dad," was all Kanika could say. It is hard to explain the emotion with which such decisions are taken. Mr Vinod sat on the bed with her. And he kept his hand on her head. And he made small talk. He needed to fill the gaps. He needed to fill in for the small talk he had missed for the last nineteen years. Come to think of it, this man had doubts whether he would make a good father. We had dinner together in Kanika's room in the hospital. She was feeling better now. She was making conversation and she could move freely. She was in her senses.
"Zeeshan and Samar, I think you two should take some rest now," Mr Vinod suggested. "I would stay here with Kanika for the night." "Okay uncle," Zeeshan said. I was glad he accepted Mr Vinod's idea. In spite of the delicate situation, I could not iron out my equation with him. Things were still pretty awkward between us. "I would just say bye to Kanika and come," Zeeshan said. Zeeshan and I walked into Kanika's room. "I will see you tomorrow then," Zeeshan said. "Okay. And ..." "And?" "Thanks for being there, Zeeshan. I appreciate it," Kanika said. "Shut up! You need anything tomorrow?" Zeeshan asked. "Yes. My friend Arshi is coming back to Delhi tomorrow. Will you pick her from the airport?" Kanika said. He nodded and left the hospital. I was still in Kanika's room. She had a mischievous smile on her face. I could see why she had asked Zeeshan to pick Arshi. To confirm my doubts, Kanika winked at me. I smiled and I looked at her. And looking at her, I knew I could not go home that night. I had to be with her every moment I could. I hadn't slept for a long time and my body was shouting for rest. But my heart would just not let me go away from her. So, I came out and convinced Mr Vinod into letting me spend the night in the hospital. He agreed reluctantly. I walked backand in.hugged I looked I climbed intoI closed the bedmy with herI from hersleep, right.hugging I spreadher. my arms around her heratasher. weAnd lay together. And eyes. went to
o this is the story of the twentieth year of my life. And it feels so weird to have penned it down like this. It is as if I have bared my soul in public. It's as if, from now on, everybody I would ever meet would know what my life has been like. In fact, they would even know the way I think, what goes on in my head and what I am going to say. It is as if I am infiltrating on my own privacy telling you everything that many people would rather not. But then, as I said before - I don't think anyone has ever had as much fun as I have had writing this one. As I was writing my new book I was also reliving those spectacular days. A lot of people refuse to tell their stories. The reason could be the fear of being perceived or the fact that many people believe that their life hasn't been interesting enough. All I want to say is that if you would really sit down and think about it, there are enough stories in everyone's life which are quite different from the usual. You just need to have an eye for it. So yeah, as I said, this is my story. I am sure you are looking forward to the story of my twenty first year. It's called Never Let Me Go... and it's already out in the stores. Do read it.
