INFP / ENFJ The Idealist and the Giver An Introverted/Extraverted Relationship Relationship The level of both harmony and conflict within Introverted/Extraverted relationships can vary considerably, depending on how strongly expressed the introverted and extraverted tendencies are for these types. With very moderate expressions only the general attitudes, desires and interests of the parties involved are likely to be factors of importance affecting the relationship, and these will depend more upon the specific functions of the personalities and less upon their introverted or extraverted expression. In other cases however, particularly where both parties have a strongly expressed dominant focus, the impact of Introversion vs Extraversion becomes an important factor affecting all the functional dynamics of the relationship. For this reason general statements about the functional give and take within such relationships are of little value where individual differences play such an important part. We have tried to take this into account in the following, but it is worth recognizing that in some instances what might appear as a conflict in one relationship can be a source of harmony in another.
INFP/ENFJ Relationship Dynamics While a relationship between an ENFJ and an INFJ might be said to at least have a quirkily balanced rider maintaining a somewhat loose grip on the reins, the INFP/ENFJ relationship is much more like the free, unbridled horse itself. Whatever feeling dictates as a course, it will follow. It will have its own character, and its own internal balance of outer perception and inner reflection, but like a horse free to roam and graze as it likes, whatever it does will be done horse style. Equine analogies aside, this relationship is a classic where both partners have strongly dominant traits, having an almost mythical or archetypal aspect to it which tends to color, even overshadow, this pair’s shared activities and the situations in which they find themselves.
The likelihood of this being a cross gender relationship is small. Mostly it will arise between female partners through workplace or social interaction. Of the two cross gender possibilities, the most likely would be male INFP to female ENFJ. Since the distribution of both these types among the male population is very low, the likelihood of male to male or cross gender relationships occurring through normal social interaction is minimal, but could be much higher where such people are drawn together through shared interests or goals. This is a relationship where feeling valuations utterly dominate the inner and outer landscape, where the consideration of the purely sensual world, or abstract logical factors other than those dictated by feeling, is minimal at best. It is a relationship where each individual is inclined to maintain a more balanced view of the world when alone. When they are together, the more “fated” or archetypal aspects which this relationship can engender sometimes arise to dominate or overshadow its more mundane side. One of these aspects occurs where the INFP is the strong personality in the relationship and takes on, or is placed into, a kind of “Guru” like role, with a partner who is willing to both follow and act upon their ideas. Another, perhaps more likely or common archetypal aspect to this relationship is that which follows naturally from the overvaluation of feeling judgments in the face of all other balancing factors. Where this occurs and feeling values alone dictate all decision making processes, the relationship is always going to attract those mythical, counterbalancing negatives which arise from the shadow world of the unconscious. Under such circumstances it will seem to this couple that they are fated ever to find themselves in situations which represent the great struggle between good and evil, where everything – even the most mundane antagonism of their desires – will seem like a deliberate and cunning attack from the “dark side”. Because of this, such a couple will often be found, or find themselves, waging an almost constant war against the insidious demons of cold logic and abstract fact which haunt the dark spaces of physical and biological reality. While this mythical aspect can sometimes go to extremes, it can also be virtually invisible. Nevertheless, it is usually apparent at least to some degree in this couple’s collective behavior and the lifestyle choices they make together. Many of these choices often disregard a more rational or logical approach in favor of some haunting or purely aesthetic vision of how things ought to be.
Within their own space, these two do balance one another; the tendencies of the one compensating those of the other. In the home for instance, while both will share a desire for quality, beauty and elegance, certain areas will be considered unimportant by one partner, whilst the other will want these neglected areas suitably organized. The garden, for instance, might be a place where both enjoy and share a passion for quality, yet the garden shed will be the left to the ENFJ to maintain, at least to some degree of order and cleanliness. The home office, the kitchen, indeed all those spaces where things are mutually achieved will have specific aspects to them which the one will consider important and the other will consider of lesser importance, to the degree that there will be an almost constant adjustment or tidying up by the one of that which the other leaves to chance. With both partners here supporting their values through intuition rather than through any more direct approach to the physical world, it is unlikely the kind of order an ESTJ or ISTP would expect to see will be displayed. Things will be ordered according to a system of merit comprehended only within the mutual value system of the partners. Suffice to say, that while six days of washing piled up in the laundry or a refrigerator in which new life is being created on a daily basis might horrify a sensitive sensation type, such things can easily be accounted for within this system. Outside the realm of their own competence, this couple tends to be at the mercy of both fate and those who create, maintain and deliver the technological and material necessities of life. As an example – and a rider to what I said above regarding cross gender relationships – I used to live next door to a couple who were precisely of this pairing, a lovely ENFJ lady and her INFP male partner. They both had a good working life and a happy relationship. What they didn’t have was the slightest idea about anything functional or technical. I came out one morning to find my neighbor Greg at the back of the house, attacking the old laundry/sunroom area with a large crowbar. I asked what he had in mind and he told me it all had to come out and be replaced. I asked him if he was going to replace the roof as well. “No, just the wall and floor.” he replied, levering out yet another of the wall studs. I suggested that if he continued what he was doing the whole roof would collapse and that perhaps he ought to consider changing his methods. He looked at me, looked up, and then gazed for a moment, somewhat disbelievingly, at the two remaining uprights which were now the only things supporting the overhanging tile roof. “Oh shit,” he said; asking what I thought he should do. I suggested he contact a builder – quickly.
Making it Work There is probably going to be little disagreement between these two on the way things ought to be done or organized between themselves and within their own environment. Feeling types can also have a kind of mutual “whatever” approach to things which either don’t interest them or they see as being of ambivalent value. Much of the order and care for the purely material aspects of life which a more strictly common sense approach might dictate is often left to chance or the contingencies of the moment. There are always more important things to be concerned about, it would seem. It is just in this area, however, where some difficulties can and will arise. The shadowy world of stark, “in your face” reality really does need to be sufficiently illuminated for us to navigate in the world without falling over. When two people combine who both tend to leave such things to others or simply hope everything works the way it should, then they are going to be disappointed at times. It will be these difficulties and disappointments, sometimes rising to monumental proportions, which can create tension between these two; tension which cannot often be resolved without the aid or intervention of other persons more qualified to deal with such matters. Such tension often arises because what one cannot see in oneself is often imputed to the other, some lack of skill or expertise on our own behalf becoming an issue for its additional lack in our partner. It is important to see the differences here, that when two people share a position which includes a decent awareness of the other’s typology and their strengths and weaknesses, there will be a far more reasoned and level headed approach to matters which neither can deal with effectively. Such goes for all types in all kinds of relationships, but can be seen as particularly relevant here where there is a strong collective bias toward a somewhat singular vision of the world and how it “ought” to behave. So, one of the important things in this relationship is for both partners to truly understand their typological similarities and the way these things present through both the introverted and extraverted approaches to life. Everyone is different of course, and not all couples will comprise two partners whose feeling/intuitive functions are so strongly dominant. Although, as the world becomes a place in which education, parental nurture and childhood development continue to become narrowed within an ever more cloistered, artificial and technologically driven environment, raw typological traits are becoming increasingly dominant factors in human behavior. This is particularly
so now in our metropolitan environments, where the people live without access to the natural, experiential richness of days gone by, and where first hand experience of the world is replaced by idealized and target specific media presentations. Gaining an understanding of our natural way of seeing things is not as easy as we often believe. We believe we know ourselves, but this knowing is already colored by the typological glasses we wear. Removing these is not merely a matter of understanding what we are easily able to believe about ourselves, but understanding what we are normally not willing to allow into our lives and going to those places we are not normally willing to go. It is not that it is difficult for an introvert to see the world through extraverted eyes, for they do it very often. It is just not the “comfortable” way of seeing things. The same goes for the extravert, who finds resting with nothing but inner images and ideas to fulfill their time is, whilst not a demanding or off putting thing to do, is merely not a sufficiently interesting nor comfortable place for them to stay. So understanding the difference between introverted and extraverted feeling is not actually that difficult for either type once they recognize the small shift in perspective necessary to make the jump from one to the other. It is something which can be practiced and actually maintained at some level all the time. In this way we can indeed become more of the one and slightly less of the other, rounding out our way of feeling to a broader and more encompassing set of values which include not merely our own world or the outside world, but both. The real difficulties arise when we try to understand those aspects of the world beyond those which come naturally to us through our own valuation processes. It is here where the power of emotion both protects us from and restricts our access to those very areas we need to understand if we are to develop our relationships with others. The quickest way I know to make a strong feeling type angry is to bombard them with the facts and figures and reasoned arguments which make their own valuation of some thing’s importance seem ambivalent, unnecessary or just plain wrong. None of us like to see the way we value or interpret the world devalued or underestimated by others, and the emotion which rises within us at such times maintains the very wall which separates us from just this wider appreciation of things.
Coming to terms with any vision of the world in which values are seen as irrelevant or merely personal interpretations is very difficult for the feeling type, particularly the extraverted feeling type, who has a tendency to believe the values they project into the world have a kind of universal application and impersonal authority. Just as the purely thinking type cannot see how anyone could misinterpret or devalue the facts and logic of a particular conclusion, the strong feeling type cannot see how anyone could be blind to the obvious value of a particular way of behaving or a particular way a specific situation should be resolved or enacted. There are times, however, when feeling valuations - even where supported by intuition - are simply not going to stand against the tide of the moment or the way a situation has arisen. So in this partnership there are going to be times when the one will say “what are we going to do?” and the other will reply, “I have no idea,” as both will be limited to a certain extent by the similarity of their typology and the limits it applies to their ability to comprehend a particular situation and resolve its difficulties. If it seems I have been somewhat circular in my approach to this relationship, it is because, like those relationships between strongly thinking/intuitive types, where all is rosy as long as emotionally sensitive issues are kept in the cupboard, here we have a relationship where two people will have little trouble in their human dealings with each other, and which will be rosy only as long as the stark and undervalued areas of technical necessity and purely physical survival are properly maintained and kept at a safe distance. The proper development of any such one sided relationship therefore depends not so much on the two people coming to terms with each other’s conscious approach to life, but more upon both partners in the relationship developing a wider viewpoint and a more comfortable relationship with those aspects of the world and themselves that they habitually devalue, fear, or reject as irrelevant. Suggestions for the INFP •
Just like your partner, your dominant function is feeling, in which you value things according to how they affect you and the things in your life. Your partner tends to value more highly the things they see in the outer world, often placing more emphasis on the needs and the feelings of others rather than their own. It is natural for you to feel comfortable only when those around you are, and you tend to get agitated if things don’t run smoothly. It is necessary sometimes then to work in the way your
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partner does, not by merely waiting for things to settle and become right for you but to actively set things right where you see a problem, regardless of whether this problem and its resolution bear upon your own needs or not. Not everything in the world can be assessed by its human value. Many things are merely “as they are” and subject to a system of relationships which cannot be controlled or “set to rights” by adjusting their content or context. Understanding the way things work, regardless of their value to us is not only a path to greater knowledge, but also leads to development of our own personality as we become more appreciative of the wondrous workings of the world. Just how a thing came to be might seem irrelevant at times, but at others it could be the most important thing we need to know. In this regard it is worth paying particular attention not only to our body needs and the way it functions to maintain our health and physical integrity, but also to the way it supports and sometimes distorts our psychic balance. Getting “out there” is not normally your thing, but it is your partner’s. Make time to do the things they do with them. Try to apply your own insights to the problems they have. Join the fray and see how you ideas and values might apply to others who need a helping hand. Try to never assume that you know how another person is feeling about something until you discuss the matter fully. Sometimes what we value for ourselves is simply “not there” in others. You have a tendency to see the world as a place of great potential; that paradise might somehow be regained “if only” people could see the values you see; could enact the vision and make everything right. But the world doesn’t follow our dreams, and often when we are not in a position to make big things happen we tend to try and adjust every small thing in our life to some perfect image. Too easily we become nit pickers, overvaluing the smallest trifles in place of the things which might be important to a greater community, and nothing around us ever seems to be quite as it should. When this happens we begin to see our partner in the same light, burdening the relationship with requirements and unspoken needs for the most irrelevant details to be “just so”. Overcoming this tendency is simply a matter of finding a wider purpose, of using your skills in a bigger environment, committing yourself to a goal worthy of your visions. Something you do not have to do alone, as your partner well knows.
Suggestions for the ENFJ •
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Sometimes we need to rest from the world, where it seems the demands never end, although most of this demand is actually driven by your own personality needs. In the same way, your partner feels their own inner world as a place of demand, whilst for you it can be restful to just be with yourself, alone with your thoughts for a while. Best to practice this often, even while at work. Coming home and watching television isn’t the answer, for the mind needs space to regain its energy, without which we tend to skim too much over the surface, for, without energy we cannot dive more deeply into the things around us. Here is one place where you can learn from your partner’s ways. Watch and listen to the way they work out difficulties before they take action and notice that they take far greater regard of the effect such things have upon themselves. You know most of the workarounds when things need to be done; you know the people and how to get their help to get the things done you can’t do for yourself. Your partner is not so inclined and usually tries to do everything for themselves, often jumping from one thing to another and sometimes getting into a muddle over things they really want to achieve but do not have the training or the natural talent to do. Try not to just foist upon them the obvious answer of “calling someone and getting it done,” for while this might be the most natural thing to do for you, it does not help your partner with the real problem, which is that they would really like to achieve their desires for themselves. So whilst it might be necessary to call for aid at times it is also worth encouraging and helping your partner to learn the skills they need to achieve what they want. Something you know a lot about doing, but just remember: encouragement rather than statements of the obvious is necessary here. Sometimes it is painfully obvious that we live in a world where those qualities, manners and values we hold dear – even the most obvious and easily seen values – seem to count for little and we can become despondent, particularly when we allow the world beyond us too much of an input into our lives. Fighting the good fight where we can is one thing, but endless concern for matters over which we have no control is a waste of energy. It takes away from our ability to deal with effectively with our own lives and the negativity it generates can and will affect our relationships. Both you and your partner are easily affected by the negative and chaotic aspects of the world beyond your own place in life, so try as much as possible to maintain a focus and goals which take your activities in directions which will build upon the quality you have
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already achieved rather than waste your energy on concern for things beyond your power to deal with. Your shared space will tend to take on the values you hold, it will reflect to others the kind of things you feel are the most important in life, and it will of course, by default, also reflect the things you consider irrelevant. Living in a shared space in which both partners contribute to a strongly focused or idealized way of life can narrow your outlook on things. When you are in your shared workspace or at home with your partner, do you feel you cocooned in a safe, secure place where the less pleasant or less important aspects of life are shut out? If so you could be setting yourself up for a disaster down the track, as the more we attempt to keep ourselves free from the “bad” in life, the more likely we are to experience it in a worse form when it sneaks up on our doorstep unawares. Remember to adapt your shared life to the sensory and material aspects of life; don’t merely take them for granted, for, if disaster is going to strike anywhere, it will be from this quarter.
The Key The enemy of this relationship is narrowness, or too strong a focus on finding a niche or achieving some “happy ever after” dream. Extraverted feeling types can live their lives wrapped in mental cocoons just as easily as their introverted partners can in physical ones, and whilst it might be comfortable to do so, it narrows the path to development whilst at the same time making our world smaller and smaller. When this happens, the most trivial things in life can inflate in our minds to issues of exaggerated, almost life and death importance and our relationship time, our life, is wasted in a constant battle with a world that refuses to conform to our ideals. So, whatever you do together, make sure it is big enough, that it takes account of a wider world than merely your own. Development of long term and larger goals keeps us connected to the world. In as much as we experience it as a place where things are both good and bad, we at least have the constant need to test our values against its reality and develop our weaker functions. In doing so, we develop a broader base for connection with and support of each other. Copyright 1998-2005 BSM Consulting Written by Robert G Heyward
