HowToSell Book

$

How To Sell The Whole F#@!ing Universe To Everybody… Once And For All!, the defining Esoteric Marketing study of the new millennium, shows how The Greatest Manipulators In The World triumph over time and how long-term sustained performance can be engineered into the DNA of any Esoteric Record Label from the very beginning. But what about Salesmen that are not privy to The Primary Hermetic Dictum? How can desperate, immoral people who sell mediocre products assembled according to substandard manufacturing processes gain this Knowledge without having to study thousands of ancient Alchemical illustrations, and what are the distinguishing characteristics of a successful OnLine Cult?

Over three years, Sir Millard Mulch and his research team have analyzed the histories of 222 musicians, bands, record labels and performance artists, discovering why some achieve Perpetual Rock-Star Career-Motion and others end up having to get a day-job washing dishes when all is said and done. The findings include: • Ring-Around-The-Hedgehog: A Business Principle Game that is sweeping Wall Street and destroying weaker companies. • The Prime Directive & Interplanetary Social Metaphysics: 7 ways to make Alienation work for your new business. • The Pink Elephant of Truth: How it MUST become your most-trusted steed! (Ride it around the room!) • The Mutant Power of Social Invisibility: How to avoid getting discovered by “The Normals.” • The 12-Fold Pathway To Metacynical Enlightenment: Transcending This Game Universe. • Pseudo-Numerological Business Metaphors: Are they really necessary? Yes. • Autoconsumerism: Learn how to not only “Be Your Own Boss,” but also “Be Your Own Customer.” • Ed Leedskalnin and the Work Ethic Paradox: Why no one wants to work hard.

“If I had to nominate an album for the most bizarre and intriguing release of 2005 thus far, I would have no problem choosing this. If you are looking for something to blow your mind, then by all means go out and purchase it.” -Scenepointblank

“Ever since we put this psycho computer-prog CD on in the office, complexions are clearing, the building’s toilet stopped backing up, and our cars have a mirror-like shine.” -DRUM! Magazine

“It’s no secret that much rock music today plays it depressingly safe when it comes to tackling capitalism’s ability to keep on selling people things they don’t really need... Witty prog virtuosity... to entertain and enlighten you through laughter...” - Kerrang! “Positively FILLED with noodles!” -Chris Higgins, Noted Author SIR MILLARD MULCH conducted extensive non-profit research under the guidance of Whilton Popple, Ph.D., Social Metaphysics at the University of Califlorida for over three years before compiling this series of mind-blowing lectures, delivered at major colleges and universities across the country. Over 4Hours in Length, this 3-CD Magnum Opus will sell over six million copies worldwide, allowing him to work free from financial hardships at his Top-Secret Marketing Research Laboratory in Cyberspace.

CAVEAT EMPTOR, SUCKER!

www.webofmimicry.com www.mutantmall.com www.sirmillardmulch.com

Soundtrack: 4 hours / 3 compact discs Companion Guide: 222 pages

Abridgement prepared by the author || Copyright © 2005 Sir Millard Mulch Also available on cassette and in hardcover from MutantMall.com.

Made in the USA. WOM 023

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Written and Illustrated by

SIR MILLARD MULCH Telephone Clipart Illustration by

Charley Deppner

Published by

MUTANTMALL.COM SOUTH VENICE, FLORIDA

COPYRIGHT © 2005 BY SIR MILLARD MULCH All Rights Reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or parts thereof, in any form. Should I write something clever here? Nah.

ercial om a comm o volumes. Fr vers” tw Ri ly k on ac ed rim oreau publish on the Concord and Mar Th . He id gs av in D rn etime Henry n meager ea s. “A Week In his own lif out of his ow ysmal failure oon to be g ab “s tin e t, in er en pr w m of th ce bo cost noun k” point of view u paying the pended an an of the “Wee 1849, Thorea erar y career that he ap d 706 copies use. ha ho r came out in te re lit in a sto pr e of e th th confident eight out of years later), w use (4 ad ho de 53 s’ was then so e nt 18 th re ted to get alden.” By tic of his pa ndred published: W inting of 1,000, and wan s up to the at hu as ne m ni e ly th ar d ie ne of a pr u carr , a library of unsold, out cord; Thorea ugust, 1854 “I have now ipped to Con til the next A his journal, un e of ot uc y N od ac They were sh iv f.” pr el pr to ys t, asted in the ch I wrote m ation of profi and then bo ndred of whi r yielded d no expect ve hu an n ne sm ve d ia se an us s er th volumes, ov ts that literar y circle e, without en and so insis ly a ripple in blisher ventur used scarce for his pains, the r ca would the pu ce It bo fa la n. to ly de ly on al nt , of W got, he says u had consta e ea H or 2,000 copies e. Th ns s pe th cial recom declining mon ile himself to oblivion. Thoreau finan ward. In his nc adequate re ilure, to reco e fa er s w hi s in of pa ity crushing real

Published in the United States by MutantMall.com PO Box 1057 Venice, FL 34284 MANUFACTURED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Distributed around the world by a variety of subdivisions of various underground / indie collective press houses, including Adversary Publishing (Wisconsin), Antagonist Press (East Ohio including Cleveland), xAsperserx (Detroit and Japan), Assailant Press (Nova Scotia), Assassin (West Africa, record stores starting in A-M), Betrayer USA (Little Rock, AK), Calumniator (Canada), Defamer (West Africa, record stores starting in N-Z), Defiler / Hippo (New Zealand), Detractor (East Africa), Disputant (South America), Falsifier (East America), Informer Press USA (Central America), Invader Publishing (South Central America), Meat Press (South Central Poland), Murderer (New York City), Opponent Print (Scandinavia), Opposition (On-line), Other Side Press (Arizona and Texas), Rebel (North Central Poland), Revolutionary Network (Mexico), Rival Canada (Spain), Saboteur East (Western US), Sabotear West (Eastern US excluding Wyoming), Seditionist Street Team (Florida), Slanderer Online (New Jersey), Spy Oregon (Oregon), Terrorist Press (Mississippi), Transducer Paperback (Georgia, Romania), Transducer / Traitor (also competing with Transducer Paperback), Vilifier (Alaska), and Villain out of Chicago.

Dedicated to the countless manipulative masterminds who have figured out how to make millions of dollars by writing motivational books that are even more ridiculous than this one.

TABLE OF CONTENTS PART 1 - CREATION

Introduction.............................................................................................1 The Reality Hurdle....................................................................................2 Why Are People Stupid?...........................................................................4 The Pink Elephant of Truth.........................................................................5 Rule of Thumb #4.....................................................................................7 Ring-Around-The-Hedgehog.....................................................................9 Normal Life is Boring!.............................................................................10 Brunch with Bronco Nagasaki.................................................................11 The Roots Of Modern Salesmanship In Hermetic Magick...........................12 Every Child Is A Creator.........................................................................14 A Word from The Coach.........................................................................16 Study Your Best......................................................................................18 Interplanetary Social Metaphysics............................................................20 Salesmanship, Supply & Demand, and Meta-Business Matters...................22 Autoconsumerism...................................................................................24 The Mutant Power of Social Invisibility......................................................25 Cost Analysis of Primary Research Methods.............................................26 Pseudo-Numerological Business Metaphors..............................................27 What Do You Get When You Cross A Drummer With A Gorilla? A Really Stupid Gorilla! Hahaha..........................................................................27 Why The Apocalypse WILL Happen Soon................................................28 Work Ethic Paradox...............................................................................29 How To Contrive Your Own Arch-Nemesis................................................30 Achieving Socio-Metaphysical Equilibrium ..............................................31 How To Balance A Relationship With A Career In Sales............................31 The Esoteric Arts Collide With The World of Marketing.............................32 New Music Is Not A Symbolic Language of Signification...........................34 A Chain Reaction of Horror at the World.................................................35 Self-Parody As A Creative / Marketing Device.........................................36 The 12-Fold Pathway To Metacynical Enlightenment..................................36 The Thirteen Beautiful Brazen Pillars of Nincompoopery............................37 Subtlety In Marketing To Ethnic Consumers...............................................38 Know What Mental Disorders You Are Looking For In A Mate...................39 How To Write A Resume.........................................................................40

PART 2 - MOTIVATION

Why Writing A Book Can Get You Laid But Playing Guitar Cannot............42 Part 3: Clothing Style Is Always Impractical And Non-Utilitarian................43 Why The World Needs You To Sell Things, Including Your Body.................43

Demistifying Prostitution..........................................................................42 While Trapped Between Two Worlds........................................................41 Why High School Is A Terrible Distraction From Spiritual Enlightenment During Critical Years...............................................................................40 How To Work A Photocopier...................................................................40 Superheroes Don’t Need Day Jobs..........................................................41 The Nature of Friendship, Hometowns, and Ethnic Dishes..........................42 Implementing Borderline Personality Disorder In Your Human Resources Department............................................................................................44 Writing Dummy Lyrics For Dummies.........................................................45 The High Risk / High Return Celebrity Appearance...................................45 How To Play Air Guitar...........................................................................80 Salesmanship - The Power of Imagination Gone Wrong............................85 Hard Work Don’t Do No Good If You Aint Got No Talent..........................86 Getting Lunch Money From Groupies.......................................................87 How To Quit Your Job And Make Millions................................................90 The Meet Market....................................................................................91 Image Power..........................................................................................95 Boxing On Rollerskates...........................................................................97 Musements / Amusements....................................................................100 The Self-Fulfilling Scarcity of Commodities..............................................101 The Social Construct and Social Metaphysics..........................................120 Success And Failure Are The Same Side Of The Coin..............................119 The Rules of the Game..........................................................................150 What To Do Once You Are Famous And All Fucked In The Head..............155 This Book Is My Revenge At All My Stupid Ex-Bosses and Teachers...........151 Live In The External World With The Help Of Pills...................................151 The Inverse Law of Reverse Commission.................................................152 Your Life Must Be One Big Inside Joke....................................................152 Understanding Your Unique Selling Proposition......................................152 You Have To Be Odd To Beat The Odds..................................................153

PART 3 - TRANSMUTATION

Journey To The Underworld of Buyer’s Remorse......................................154

ALBUM LYRICS / LINER NOTES

The back of this book has been retrofitted with over 3,000 cross-indexed entries that will help you, “sing along,” while you are at work. In many cases, you will discover that the song titles are in fact longer than the actual lyrics to the songs. You may also discover that several songs listed do not appear on the album and vice-versa. This is due to The Work Ethic Paradox. Hard Work Makes Me Tired.

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL!

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH

3/13/2002 sirmillardmulch: so let’s talk about the rock opera HisCheapMoves: Rawk Awpera HisCheapMoves: What do you have so far? sirmillardmulch: /concept album sirmillardmulch: Just a couple lyrics. sirmillardmulch: how about this: sirmillardmulch: if you’d be willing to write the characters, the story, the plot, I will provide a lot of the music HisCheapMoves: OK.... sirmillardmulch: you can do lyrics, no? HisCheapMoves: I can try. sirmillardmulch: sure you can. HisCheapMoves: I’ve done it before. “Good luck with your infinite abyss.” -Garden State Foreword - Why Did I Write A Book? The human race itself has declared war on base, inherent reality. This, however, was never a choice for any of us, so don’t take offense or feel any guilt for being intrinsically lumped together with every Yuppie on St. Armand’s Circle — to try and live as a bear, shitting in the woods and lounging around all day would not be proper to our spiritual and mental capacities. We simply need more. Whether we are reading thousands of books on Sufi Mysticism and decoding the Torah for the 777th time, dominating small Middle-Eastern countries as the shadow C.E.O. of a multinational corporation or starting a pseudo-satanic cult, building an elevator to space out of nano-tubes or inventing a personal transportation device that balances on two wheels with the help of gyroscopes, going on an Atkins diet and getting Triple-D breast implants so we can finally get that dream job as a TV Newscaster, volunteering at the local homeless shelter and delivering Meals-On-Wheels, creating a self-portrait out of toast or going on tour with a 30-piece band of space-rock virtuosos, ingesting every recreational drug imaginable and giggling at the newest Ween album, or playing 36-hour City of Heroes marathons and forgetting you ever had a life outside of video games, we seek to construct an alternative reality for ourselves — one that will fulfill the bandwidth of our consciousness with the proper enhancements. For what is already there and presented to us is BORING. Our very existence — in all of its complexity and on every level — is itself a dream; an intense role-playing game which we create in our own image.

This look got old along with Sonic Youth. I actually took this photo to make fun of the “messy hair & bearded musician in thrift store business-suit” meme, but it turned out to actually make me money. Go figure.

But if you believe that hocus pocus, you’re obviously gullible enough to read this book. How do you like that, you goddamn moron? Thanks for giving me your money, I really appreciate it. Wanna go on a Journey To The Underworld of Buyer’s Remorse? Of course you do, so let’s go! All in all, if I hadn’t spent sufficient time during my lifetime fucking with people’s minds and studying lies, I couldn’t write this book from an honest point of view, could I? I’ve read and possess over 300 books and most of them reveal nothing more than thousands of ways to re-explain the title on the cover — so what makes me think I can contribute ANYTHING other than a cool cover design? Who am I kidding? Why not just stick to making my lame rock music?



Simple: These days, everyone has a band. Everyone has a record label — the power to create an album has been delivered into the hands of the incompetent masses. When I read Rebel Without A Crew (Robert Rodriguez) I realized I was in the wrong business. So I figured there would be less chance of me becoming “cool” if I started writing books instead. Anything I can do to scare more girls away, right? And if (insert name of major label band here) or (insert name of film-school drop out with Fruity-Loops on his G5 here) can be so pretentious as to think they are qualified to record and release music, I can write and publish a fucking book of pseudo-intellectual bullshit.

With that in mind, please consume every nihilistic detail of this project from beginning to end. Investigate every nook and cranny. Notice the hidden messages and cyphers in the lyrics. Be aware that there are over one hundred words on the cover of the album alone. This is of great commercial value in stark contrast to the average rock album (two). This will not only increase your comprehension of the album concept, it will make me look smarter than I really am — and if I am REALLY lucky, people will say, “You’re trying too hard.” Get used to it, fuck-o: this book has 80,000 words in it — so we’re gonna be here for a while. This isn’t some stereotypical ten-song pop album: this is a Master’s Thesis I spent 3 years of my life on.

As a special bonus, I have created a 4-hour, triple-disc soundtrack album for this beautiful brazen pillar of philosophical nincompoopery, which I urge you to listen to All-The-Way-Through. This product is very serious business, and while consuming it you should: 1.) Take off your watch, 2.) Unplug the telephone, 3.) Plug your ears and hum loudly. This will alleviate any pressure you may be feeling. Listen to each individual note and contemplate its vertical meaning outside the context of the forward motion of my disjointed melodies. At times the notes may seem to go by very quickly, but what you are hearing are merely arbitrary arpeggios based on a single major chord, which is in turn built on one single root note before it advances onto the next. All of the songs are conveniently written in 4/4 so you can tap your fingers on the steering wheel while bobbing your head and biting your lip, and the rhythm sections have been staggered around in low-prime number borrowed rhythms (3, 5) to make it seem more complex than it really is. That’s all there is to it! Can I have my Honorary Doctorate from Berklee now? Buy into my bullshit and try and think of Sir Millard Mulch as an author who has also dabbled in creating music, not a musician. Most of what I do is not actually making music — I am merely a simulation of a person making simulated music. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea — I hate being involved in music, and even more: I hate being lumped into the talentless collective of demo-shopping, messy-haired, dick-dancing poseurs who seek to become celebrities to avoid having a day job cleaning pools. It’s just that there was no better way for me to insult the music industry than to get a record deal myself (Thank You, Trey) and inflict large doses of poorly constructed formulaic pop-songs on the general population of wanna-be teenage mutants and prog-metal weirdos who worshipped Primus and Dream Theater in high school. And if you haven’t noticed, I like long sentences.

“...Now art is living only through its own commemoration. It has become a closed system, art for art’s sake, from which nothing comes out any more. Yet art is a confrontation of man with the illusion of the world, and a way of subduing this illusion through a symbolic representation. But we see today that contemporary art does not speak any more of this illusion, it does not try to subdue this illusion any more. It plays with its own history and this is a weak strategy. Art exhausts itself in a game which does not commit to anything and in which there are no more rules. It makes its own advertising.” -Baudrillard How Can I Begin To Use These Tapes? The truth of the matter is that these tapes are specifically designed for anyone wishing to become a successful and world famous salesman, artist, or magician. In other words, they are for people who want to fuck with other people’s realities for a living. In this package you will find 365 cassette tapes — one for each day of the year. These tapes should be listened to when you first wake up in the morning, when you prepare to go to bed, or anytime you find yourself wondering whether you should be listening to the tapes. At the end of the year, you will be amazed with how much progress you have made! You will not only be healthier, taller, and smarter, but you’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams! When you listen to these tapes, I want you to begin to realize that you are living in a world of illusions. The sound of my voice that you are hearing right now is really just being generated by molecules of chemically bonded ferric trioxide powder grinding against a powerful electromagnet in your car’s tape recorder that applies a reversed magnetic flux to the trioxide on the tape. In other words, it isn’t really there. In the same way that my voice does not really exist, we too are merely shadow puppets projected into the mind of a caveman. And if we can learn to control those shadow puppets, we can deconstruct this contrived universe, then bend its laws and make it


E N O R E T P CHA

“GETTING ORGANIZED”

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH (and the people in it) do whatever we want! For example, I wanted you to buy these tapes, and here we are! So what whaddaya say? Let’s go there, and make our escape... I want you to sit back and close your eyes and listen for a full hour. At the end of the hour, we’ll go back and review. Just sit back and relax and try not to throw up. Step One: How To Remain A Child Forever If you are going to have a successful career in Sales, Art, or Magic, you will have to remain a child forever. Some may think that’s bad, but I differ, and see no reason to beg. Even Jehovah says so: “And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest salesman in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.” (Matt. 18:2-5, KJV). So if you want to be the “Greatest Salesman In Heaven” you have to make yourself “Humble As This Little Child.” This may sound easy at first — but it may require, for example, quitting your job on a whim when the new Matrix movie premieres (look in the mirror in the movie theater’s bathroom and declare: “If this is what being a child is, I am going to stay a child forever!”), and then spending the next three months in your apartment staring at candles and playing with Tarot cards until you get the idea to write a book. It may require finding a benefactor or patron, such as your parents or a girlfriend, to support you while you work on these “important things.” Don’t worry about running out of money — which would you rather have, Eternal Debt While Working A Shitty Job or Eternal Salvation and Eternal Time To Hang Out In Golden Gate Park?

10

Regardless of the path you choose, you need to keep an innocent (some may call it immature) perspective towards the workings of adult mechanisms. Rock stars don’t “grow up.” Let someone else pay the bills and mow the lawn. The “Artistic Temperament” does not allow for consideration of such banal things — you are a problem solver by nature and they are simply NOT interesting problems to solve. There’s no mystery, no Magic to basic survival. Any 1st Level adventurer can figure out how to get a 40-houra-week job, get married, and buy a house. The Salesman, Artist, and Magician (on the other hand) are too busy with The Pulvis Solaris — do you think it is just coincidence that Industry Prime Movers have to hire so many Executive Assistants to make sure their selection of shoes and glittery shirts are properly arranged backstage? 11

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Think about this: A fish that lives at the bottom of the ocean will explode if it is brought to the surface. Similarly, a fish that lives near the surface will be crushed if it is taken to the bottom of the ocean. This applies also to the structure of society. Which type of fish are you? If you are reading this enlightening book, you already know what type of fish you aren’t — and if you waste your time at the bottom, you’ll be crushed, so it is important not to get pulled down by the undercurrents of Social Metaphysics. Pay attention to things that are important and fuck everything else. It is a simple fact of nature that we, as Visionaries, need to keep our attention focused on Changing the World, not on Changing our Filthy Clothes. So go ahead and walk around with paint all over your pants. Get a job at a preschool — you’d be amazed at how creative little kids can be — the Power of Imagination runs rampant in such places. (Isn’t it “funny” how we’re encouraged to be creative and then taught to be the exact opposite once we get into REAL school?) Carry around lots of junk (letters, drawings, toys, scrap metal, leaves, pills) in plastic bags and spread it out all over the floor in front of you whenever you think you’re going to be somewhere for more than five minutes. Rub snot in your hair. Make funny mouth noises. Mumble things that no one understands. Wear obnoxiously loud, opposing colors and mismatched women’s socks (on your hands). Who gives a damn? The world is your sandbox. “Now you’re an adult / You’re boring / I’d rather stay a child / And keep my self-respect / If being an adult / Means being like you...” -Dead Kennedys, Life Sentence Remember The Childlike Empress from The Neverending Story? That’s you! Don’t let anyone tell you anything different. What do you think SHE does for a living? Do you think she has to learn how to change the alternator belt in her car? No way! Look, dude: You are the one who makes important life decisions and sends the Hero on his Journey — the customer just has to be dumb enough to buy into the fantasy-tale you tell. Imagine what all those exciting adventure movies you watched in 3rd grade would have been like without that Sense of Child-Like Wonder! To ultimately succeed in the cut-throat business of Social Metaphysics, you will have to continue to “Wonder” about a lot of “Things” that other people don’t see or think. It’s not your fault that the people around you can not comprehend your ability to journey into the unknown. By the very nature of your talent, how could they? If they could, they’d be out there zooming around the galaxy with you. This is YOUR job, not theirs. The trick here is finding a way to make people give you money for whatever breed of nonsense you may be conducting during your time here. And THAT is the purpose of this book. Aren’t you glad you paid good money for it? Now let’s get some Serious Scholarly Shit out of the way before the real fun begins... 12

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH The Roots Of Modern Salesmanship And Magickal Hermeticism Let’s take a trip back through time... Salesmanship is not an invention of 19th Century Capitalistic Societies. In fact, it dates back thousands of years and the roots of modern Salesmanship can be found as far back as in the myth of the God, Hermes, also known as Mercury. He was the mischievous God who was given dominion over merchants and their business transactions — primarily to give him something to do and keep him out of trouble, but also because Mars owed him a favor. The name Mercury is actually even derived from the word Merchant. But Hermes should not only be thought of as a businessman — since he also played a hand in the history of music. According to myth, he stole his brother Apollo’s cattle. When he found out he was going to get caught, he slaughtered them, ripped their intestines out, and stretched them across a tortoise shell, thus creating the famous Harp. He gave the Harp to Apollo as a gift. This was intended as a form of flattery or sucking up; a creative way for Hermes to avoid upsetting his brother Apollo. Most importantly, Hermes was the speedy messenger of the Gods, delivering the messages between the two worlds — from the Gods to Mankind. The essence of Hermes is the process of negotiating between these two worlds. The Essence of the Magician (and the source of all works of art) is Creation and Willpower, as is represented by the Magician card of the Tarot, who is actually Hermes. In the Emerald Tablet of Hermes Trismagistus (or Thrice Great Hermes, The Triple Magician), the Primary Hermetic dictum states: “As Above, So Below.” He raises his wand towards the sky in his right hand, points towards the ground with his left, and in doing so channels the powers of the Spiritual Realm onto the Earth. Email-borne threats—such as spam, virus and fraud—continue to increase in volume, sophistication and potency at alarming rates. And the management burden created by these issues is staggering. Every day, millions of people receive dozens of unsolicited commercial e-mails (UCE), known popularly as “spam.” Some users see spam as a minor annoyance, while others are so overwhelmed with spam that they are forced to switch e-mail addresses. This has led many Internet users to wonder: How did these people get my e-mail address? This is how Hermes is the essential and ultimate middleman between two worlds. The spiritual and physical. The transcendental and the mundane. The volatile and the fixed. He is the ultimate negotiator. He imposes his Will upon the Materials at hand, and Creates a new Structure, a re-arrangement. The magician is the ultimate con-artist. But as can be expected, there is 13



always “Trouble At The Border.” There can never be a COMPLETE 100% translation between the world of your dreams and your daily life. You will never have the perfect haircut, the perfect shoes, or the perfect house. Life is irrefutably imperfect. As a salesman, it is important that you let go of some of your integrity for this physical realm. Transcend above life, as an actor does. In your dealings with people, don’t let your own natural-born ego get in the way. Leave your body and control your character like a puppet. Give in to the perceptions of reality that others may attempt to force on you, and give them priority over your own. This is called Social Metaphysics, a term I will revisit ad nauseam. Our original spam reporting service will help you report spam quickly and accurately. Or choose from a variety of filtering options ranging from the easiest web-mail account to advanced networkwide spam blocking. Remember, you are merely a conduit for creative energy to pass through. Your primary goal is to get as close to manifesting your hopes, dreams, and aspirations as you possibly can. Humor them. Flatter them. Make them feel special. After all, aren’t they? If you were putting on a play, wouldn’t you take care of your actors? This is no different. People will become a player in the theatrical play that is your life. It’s just a matter of building a great backdrop. In the end, you will win.

Yet it is hard to imagine that our hyperactive human minds could fail to develop in some unfathomable capacity.

The Inevitable Rise And Fall of Autoconsumerism

“I’m The Only One Who Knows What The Songs Mean!” : How To Be A Social-Metaphysical Elitist

We all begin life with the full capacity to enjoy the creations of our own inner world. As infants, we lie in the crib crying and kicking our legs around, amusing ourselves with our own nervous wriggling and shrieking. We see the colors and shapes on the hanging mobile above our heads without any understanding of what on earth it could be. Nevertheless, it gives us something to focus our attention on until our next bowel movement. Even further back, in the womb, we no doubt have the capacity for dreaming (even without the influence of external experience) — but what exactly do fetuses dream about, anyway? Do they sleep? I don’t know the answer to that (and I am not scholarly enough to bother to research it, even when attempting to write a book), but I can’t help but have the following thought: What if we did spend our whole life in a Matrixlike womb, without sensory / perceptual input? (Not coincidentally, Matrix means Womb in Latin.)

In light of this, why does it become ever-increasingly difficult to engage in a meaningful inner dialogue with ourselves? If not validated via some social experience, why do our inner voices cease to exist? Can artistic endeavors not be a further expansion / development on the idea of “talking to oneself?” Why must our works of introspective beauty and truth be shared with others and turned into a means of generating financial income? Why is our thirst for expression not justification enough to commission ourselves to construct our own magical talismans of psychic light? Why can we not dualistically fulfill the roles of our own loving patrons, as well as our own deeply appreciative audience? Why can’t we skip all this confounding business of the middleman and just buy our own compact discs — instead of pressing up thousands or millions, we would only have to burn a CD to listen to in our car. It would save a lot of time, effort, money, and most importantly: we wouldn’t have to find a place to stack all these boxes.

Being a salesman is not an easy task. Let’s face it, this truly is a war: a war over the sanctity of your soul and its love affair with The Truth. This world is filled with people who are just biding their time here; seeking amusements and cheap entertainment. Do not allow yourself to contribute to this vile process in any way, shape, or form. That which is common and trivial is counterproductive to your Mission. You must seek to create esoteric works of art that few men could comprehend or identify, much less consume on any superficial level. Don’t give them ANYTHING to grab onto and use as ammunition against you. You want them to experience terror, shock, horror, disgust, disrespect, contempt — and at the very least, to be very, very uncomfortable in the presence of your creation. Make them think you are a moron; rub your blatant weaknesses in their faces. Don’t wait for them to point them out — flaunt them proudly.

What kind of wildly complex and abstract inner world might we develop as we physically mature, if our tabula rasa consciousness was free from the influence of the outside world? Would we get lonely, not ever having understood the concept of other living beings? The argument could be made that without external stimuli, we may never fully develop a consciousness.

The King trusts The Court Jester as his most reliable source of Truth, encoded in utter buffoonery; most will be unable to distinguish or recognize the profound insights within the intentional chaos. This must be your tactic: Hide your genius. Put every possible obstacle between your profound art and anyone’s consumption of it. Make them have to struggle as much in listening to it as you did in creating it. True artists are intrinsically lonely, both socially

14

15


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH health on the opposite side of your Scale of Inspiration to have them come in and steal your magic. Your motto must be: “If the artist ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” In this Social-Metaphysical War, you must only appear within the consciousness of the enemy as a constant threat to their reality; your works must cause psychological pain in every way imaginable. As a patron of the arts, they must foot the bill; in this case it is paid for not in currency — but in PAIN. “Independence requires eternal vigilance.” - Benjamin Franklin You are indeed The Creator — but paradoxically The Destroyer, like Shiva. If you are not going to be completely self-absorbed and keep your music as boxes of manuscript paper in your garage — then proudly exploit this opportunity to deconstruct the false realities and expectations of The Normals. As long as they seek to project their fucking useless bullshit into your mind and make you suffer through it on a daily basis, you have every right to vengefully trip them up and sabotage their fantasies. Why must you tolerate this invasion of your head space? Return the favor: drive them out of their fucking minds! You must destroy their world with Truth as they create it with Lies. Who can claim that they monopolistically own the license on Social Reality? You are given a Sentient Brain with the full capacity to interpret the facts around you — to give that up is treason against your heart and soul. You must create your world in your own image, whether they like it or not. Cast off arbitrary social obligations. Renounce meaningless social affiliations. You must use your own conscientious tools to determine what is good and evil, and charge into battle; get out on the front lines, soldier! You must make the basic choice — do you want to live in society or not? If you don’t want to run off to Montana and renounce the battle, you will face a second choice. Is it worth the price of your soul to not see this as a war?

and artistically — so don’t go making any plans for having friends. At the first sign of any “sheeple” listening to your songs and benefitting in any possible way (even the slightest chuckle at your song titles), you need to destroy everything you have ever done and start from scratch. Do not allow them to reap the benefits of your life-long struggle without paying dearly. You have worked too hard and for too long, balancing pain, anxiety, loneliness, alienation, financial devastation, and the deterioration of your 16

“If you’re not angry, you’re just stupid or you don’t care. How else can you react when you know something’s so unfair?” - Ani DiFranco, Out Of Range You must fight for what you believe in. It is IMPOSSIBLE to naively exist within 21st Century American Society without getting fucked in the head — or without fucking yourself in the head. We are bombarded with so much over-saturated marketing, commercial advertisements, manipulation, 17



psycho-games, power trips, journalistic spin, and blatant mind-control in so many unfathomable forms that there is no conceivable way to block all of it. Do not fall for the common misconception that it is not to be expected as the product of any human relationship! Wherever you find human consciousness, these processes will flourish in abundance. Nay, it’s not always someone else’s fault — you may on occasion find that the enemy is you.

more than two weeks after an attempt to “opt-out” was classified as spam. We tested two different kinds of opt-out: first, opt-out immediately after opting-in (simulating a consumer changing his/her mind immediately about his/her privacy preferences), and second, opt-out two or more weeks after the initial opt-in (simulating a consumer changing his/her mind after some time).

And it is not without immense courage and much introspection that you could manage to declare war on yourself if you deem it necessary. You may, at times, find it impossible to inflict sufficient damage on the fantasies of your enemies without sustaining serious injury to your own sacred dreams. Sometimes you just have to be man enough to take the hits one-for-one and go down fighting. Let them continue to think you are just in this for the same reasons as anyone else — to make money, pick up chicks, and advance your career. Ha! Little do they know that the greatest act of this SocialMetaphysical Elitist War — and the most powerful card you intend to play — is Career Suicide.

Can you imagine what it is like to be Metallica and have literally millions of stupid people worshipping your mediocre songs? How much would that affect your relationship with reality if you had dumb ass metalheads and stoners, everywhere you go, chanting your name and trying to steal your boots while you’re intentionally serving them pot-boiled dog shit? Think about this: The Army that James Hetfield alone could summon and command at the snap of his fingers could easily take Washington D.C. by nightfall. Indeed, a figure as powerful as a rock star may be our only hope. But I digress...

“Make them remember you for failure without match. Every defeat is a feather in your cap.” - The Vandals, Failure Is The Best Revenge

There is indeed a double-standard. Guitarists who have practiced for 14 hours a day are no longer permitted to display ferocious technical ability unless it’s intended as sarcastic mockery / novelty / parody ala Buckethead or purposeful tri-tone bending klutz-ism ala Larry LaLonde. And everyone

Yep. That’s what I am talking about here. Once you climb to the top of the pyramid, there is going to be nowhere for you to go except Ultimate Artistic Apocalypse! Make it your Grand Finale of Inconceivable Failure! Don’t bother with The Messy Kurt Cobain Exit; that will only make you into a permanent Demigod for them to worship — that will just cause them to enshrine the image of you as some sort of Martyr. And you don’t want that. Nay; stay alive and save enough energy to open up a can of Who Is John Galt? on their lame asses. Start to blatantly suck on purpose — just look at Metallica with their St. Anger album. Is there any way in hell it could have been all at once terrible and amateurish on every level, including production, engineering, songwriting, and performance? No, my friend. There is no way in hell. Consider that Metallica have every resource in the world available to them to make albums — and St. Anger is the best they can do? It’s laughable and incredible. I would go out and buy it just to enjoy the spectacular inside-joke, but then I’d be no better than the people who purchase it and believe it’s actually acceptable and listen-to-able. First of all, in all of the cases where we disclosed an e-mail address and asked not to receive commercial e-mail, the Web site operator respected that request — we received no spam when we opted out when first giving our e-mail address. In a variation on this test, we changed our preference from permitting commercial e-mail to opting out of it. Any e-mail we received 18

19



swoons over any button-accordian player from Norway who has nimble fingers or some chick from Japan that can make weird gargling noises with her throat. This Xenophilia has gone too far.

I’ve spent many thousands of dollars over the years on various personal development programs and books. I’ve joined self-help groups, attended seminars — I even signed up for Yoga one time, but the contract at the health club (I won’t mention any names) drained my savings account and I soon found myself working a second job just to get out of debt.

What positive affect could you possibly achieve in going down the drain as a lukewarm heavy metal sellout, placating the masses of mullet-wearing grease-monkeys in their head-banging commercial tendencies to purchase black concert t-shirts with skulls on them? Who wants to die that way? I sure don’t. It serves no purpose other than social fertilizer to achieve power and enact possible change further down the road. But what change has there really been for the better? Millions and millions and millions of depressed teenagers may identify with the suicidal lyrics of Fade To Black, but I’d rather avoid all of that stagnant social responsibility and just make things that everyone will hate from the very start. Besides, no honest artist could allow himself to be held responsible for reinforcing and capitalizing on the endless fantasies of those incredibly naive fans — so being a SocialMetaphysical Elitist is really the only way to go. Accept your place on the Throne of Outsiderdom: Fuck ‘Em All. The Two Most Important Questions To Ask While Trapped Between Two Worlds Have you ever asked yourself: 1. Why do some ignorant people become wealthy while many brilliant people remain poor? 2. Why do many people work very hard and are broke while a few work effortlessly and earn millions? If you’re like me, you’ve spent the better part of your life trying to figure out how to create more income. Maybe not billions or even millions of dollars, but most everyone I know would like to provide more for their family and security for themselves. I can’t count the number of books I’ve read on the subject or the dollars I’ve spent on audio tapes, CDs, and seminars. I’ve been confused when two apparently credible teachers gave conflicting advice. I’ve been frustrated and distraught when I seemingly followed step by step the teachings of the latest guru only to fail miserably. I’ve been discouraged and depressed when it appeared that I’d never find the true means to achieve what I sought for me and my family.

There is no doubt that many of those things had a great impact on my life. But none of those activities even come close to the power of being a famous, skinny, suntanned woman with huge breasts. My thinking on how to create income was forever changed, my friend! Since my first exposure in Playboy I have created several new income streams generating a significant income. The launch of my first interactive website (I now have five generating a six-figure annual income) was a direct result of this epiphany. A monthly subscription includes exclusive pictures and videos, access to my live cam and chat, and as a special bonus for joining, you’ll get a free membership to four other official model sites! Two years later, I now have a set of Universal Laws, a Science, for creating income at will. If you could create income at will, how much would you create? How would you carry it all? How much of it would you spend? When would you start? When would you finish? Are you skeptical? Do you believe in working hard for your money? Does it sound too good to be true? Stop and think about it. If there’s a science for just about everything in the world you can think of, then why shouldn’t there be a science for getting rich off being a famous, skinny, suntanned woman with huge breasts? That was the first thought I had after I had my first boob job. And I can’t begin to tell you how excited I got after I realized that not only did it work — but I had been handed the exact formula that the science of Social Metaphysics was based on. Can I pass the formula on to you? Think it over as you read the next chapter. Afterwards, I will provide you with a mental exercise during which we will determine how you can magically coalesce bloated bags of fat on your chest while paradoxically draining it from the rest of your body. Why The World Needs You To Sell Things, Including Your Body

To finally discover a simple method of creating wealth that was based on precise scientific laws and eternal truths was literally a dream come true!

Your job as a creator is to bring something into existence that did not exist before. You have to make something out of nothing. Whether it be getting 5 new prospective clients or writing 5 symphonies — all creation comes down to the same thing. It is a realm of illusions. How can we create something

20

21



O W T R E T P CHA

“MAKING DECISIONS”

22

23



out of nothing? We WILL it into existence. After all, the original source of everything is our will power. Does it really exist? Does ANYTHING really exist? Are we all just patterns of electrons and atoms zooming around in orderly patterns held together by some unseen force of physics? Are we any more real than a pattern of numbers and letters printed in a novel? Everything in this universe is a pattern of energy, and it is our job to do with it what we see fit. Always take credit where credit is due, but always know that your art is no more or less fake or real than you are.

Part 3: Clothing Style Is Always Impractical And NonUtilitarian

Does this mean all art is bad, because it’s fake? Of course not. And people don’t buy art because it’s good. In a world of art that is all relative and in the eye of the beholder, the only thing to judge it by is the celebrity who signs his or her name on it. Once you’ve got a name, you’ve got it all. Everything else is downhill. Then you can shit in a box and mail it to Japan and people will buy it. As with every business, it is all based on prestige and name-dropping. Learn to align yourself with others who already have an established customer or fan base. Associate with them closely, and get in on their game. The game of popularity is always a game of strategic nameassociation. Important people surround themselves with important people. You will be famous by association. In the eyes of the customer, you will become a Sales God. And the Sales Gods learned thousands of years ago that the less utilitarian value that your product contains, the harder it will be to sell. No one knows how art should really cost, or if it’s worth a nickel. This is not a bad thing! That means you can jack the price up as much as you want! If it’s not costing you much to make it in the first place, and no one really wants it, that’s where Salesmanship really comes in handy. Salesmanship is the ability to make someone buy something that they don’t want or need. And since no one really wants or needs anything artistic, you had better take this seriously! This means YOU! Salesmen get paid on commission — if they don’t sell anything, they don’t get paid. It’s the Entrepreneurial Spirit. This is the same way that artists work. Do you think you should get paid to sit around and write a book? Of course not. Your job as the salesperson for your own art is to convince people that you really do something important all day besides trying to trick people into buying your stuff. But you need to be transparent! If you come off as seeming like a salesman, no one is going to listen to you. You need to focus their attention on everything but the transaction. Make it obvious that you don’t need their business. Hell, you’re a world-famous artist... your paintings sell for $50,000 each! If this crap could sell itself, we wouldn’t need Salesmen, now would we? Any industry in which you find Salesmen, that means the goods or services are unable to sell themselves on their own merit. This is why Sales skills are CRUCIAL to the artist. Now get out there and hit the pavement! 24

As a Salesman, you need to choose your clothing carefully. No single element is more detrimental to your closing rate. Remember that Clothing Style, by its very nature, will always be impractical and non-utilitarian. Conversely, if it was practical and utilitarian, it would not be fashionable and deliberately unusual; it would then not stand out as non-essential and would not draw attention to itself. Since people, in their environments, naturally seek to clothe themselves in clothing that is suitable and practical for that environment — style will implement manners of wearing types of clothing that are not suitable and nor practical for that environment. For example: 1.) Pants which are too large to stay up without a belt, yet no belt is worn, causing the pants to continually fall down and reveal the underpants 2.) The visor on a baseball hat is for keeping the sun out of the wearer’s eyes, yet baseball hats are often worn backwards, sideways, and often situated upon the head at a strange and unnatural angle 3.) The knitted ski hat, often worn in the heat of summer time and partially covering the eyes — this makes the wearer profusely sweat from the brow as well as blocks their optical vision to a large degree 4.) Hair which is messed up and blown forward against the natural direction that the hair would fall, and then fastened there with various forms of canned grease — just after being washed clean 5.) Dark sunglasses which are too large for the face, thus causing them to fall down — and often worn at night 6.) Clothes that are unusually tight which squeeze the flesh and / or draw attention to the area between the navel and pubis mons — affectionately referred to by some as the “Biscuit Can.” It is important to maintain the appearance of disarray and dysfunction at all times; but remember that if you try too hard you may end up looking like a homeless retard. What you want to do is make sure you always maintain a healthy orbit around the practical mainstream; then you can feel free to add one or more stylistic elements which are impractical without being in any danger. (You don’t want to walk around in a complete firefighter’s outfit in the middle of summer, do you?) This whole phenomenon, of course, is just a matter of progress towards making our entire world a LARP (Live Action Role-Playing Game). And maybe when people begin to shamelessly refer to their trendy clothing properly — as costumes — we will be one more step towards living in an honest world where every man and woman freely admits to the degree by which they indulge in the simultaneous worlds of fantasy and reality. 25



It reminds me of when I went to the Grand Canyon with my girlfriend and she became angered that I would rather walk on the wooden walkway next to the snack bar — instead of walking with her 20’ to the left where everything was more “Natural” and “Spiritual.” I let her wander off into the bushes for a few minutes and let her have her “Profound Sting Moment” before explaining that she was stupid for thinking standing on dirt 20’ from the wooden walkway was somehow “Being At One With The Universe.” One more step removed from the obvious simulation leaves you in yet another one to try and transcend, like some horrible movie that has been edited for Family Viewing. But not all movies or products NEED to be edited to watch them with your parents.

sort of starting point, which may most likely come in the form of borrowing favorable elements from other works. (It may be unoriginal to directly steal ideas from others... but the more places you can steal from, the less chance there is of getting caught.) Learning how to organize thoughts and patterns of energy is essential to making sense of our universe — and it is fair and square that we learn these abstract “methods” from the works of others, so long as we then set off on our own quest — and refrain from getting bogged down in lifting the specific patterns that these methods are intended to help bring into existence.

Josie & The Pussycats - Self-Parody As A Creative / Marketing Device Movies are visual lies, which require for us to suspend our disbelief. We must enter into a false reality to accept the microcosmic world that the filmmaker is presenting to us. With that in mind, allow me to attempt to project what I believe would be The Epitome of 21st Century Art / Marketing. Take the time to follow along with my thoughts here, shall you? Based on my extensive experience in “the biz,” I will suggest that the ideal scenario would be to create a product that is simultaneously a trite potboiler and an inside, high-playing mockery of itself. This would allow it to be cleverly “sold” on many levels at once, increasing both its overall profitability as well as its pseudo-philosophical value. Such a scenario would allow “The Normals” to directly absorb and subconsciously consume its barrage of low-brow memes (boobs, catchy tunes, eye candy) — while “The Weirdos” would ironically praise and analyze it as an example of stunningly accurate pop-culture criticism / social satire, insisting that it is so absurd that it MUST have been intended as a towering work of uber-sarcastic parody.

Thus, without experiencing much guilt, the construction of a common vocabulary of recognizable tricks is a nearly essential shortcut in defining an artistic style — and after a sufficient period of injecting these same stylistic tricks into multiple artistic constructs and endeavors, an identity will emerge from the aforementioned terrifying chaos and facilitate the creation of pure beauty... or at least something to hum along to during the otherwise boring commute to whatever temp job the artist has at the time. So: once an artist truly becomes a shallow parody of himself, he is free to exploit the patterns inherent in his now pseudo-archetypical style. From the outside point of view, an artist’s style is just a familiar pattern that the customer can latch onto for the purpose of unifying the artist’s works into a recognizable system, and thus a consumable collection of attributes — much like a familiar face. Once this fact is accepted, the artist can then feel liberated in churning out painting after painting, song after song, and know that his potential for exploiting these patterns are limitless... ...unless people just get tired of the repetition.

The amateur creator seeking to establish his “style” has not yet reached proficiency in the categorization of his own creative tendencies into an organized collection of licks to draw from. His unique methods of constructing shapes and / or sounds out of seemingly limitless possibilities have not yet been identified, even to himself. What he faces is primordial chaos, and will most likely feel helpless and overwhelmed at the thought of projecting artistic meaning into this seemingly infinite abyss. He needs some

As should be obvious, you fucking nincompoop: this is rarely the case. For example, take a look at the discography of the punk band, Bad Religion: between 1982 and 2004, they released a total of 14 albums that sounded virtually identical. Every song consisted of 1.) a lively punk beat [snare on 2 and 4, kick on 1 & 3.5, hi-hat on quarter notes, tom fill every four or eight bars] with 2.) a sorrowful minor key chord progression on overdriven guitars layered under 3.) a clearly sung and catchy camp-fire folk-ish melody with 4.) “Ahhh!” harmonies during the chorus and 5.) A brief guitar solo mimicking the vocal line melody before 6.) an abrupt ending. This clever and effective bag of stereotypical tricks is how we are able to identify the “Bad Religion Sound,” when we hear it for even a split second. But if these few cosmetic fishing hooks weren’t attached to the external surface of the conceptual product, their thriving legion of punk-rock constituents would have nothing to focus their epistemological repetition-grasping mechanisms

26

27

But self-parody does not only function beneficially in the sphere of marketing — it can also be used as a powerful creative tool, as I will soon demonstrate.


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH on — making it impossible to tribally (ooga-booga) familiarize and align their supposedly nonconformist egos with the collective “cause,” unless they practice another method, such as staring mesmerically at Bad Religion’s band (corporate) logo for days on end. Speaking of which, let me teach you something. At the nucleus of any successful marketing scheme is an effective corporate logo. “The Primacy Of The Corporate Logo” simply cannot be debated. After reading too many books like this one, the reader may come to believe that the entire purpose of sentient life is the journey of the advertised corporate logo entity through time and space — leaving any hint of a real “message” behind, misunderstood and forgotten before it ever had a chance to mean something. After all, the freshest of products are nearly obsolete and extinct before even being put on the market and stamped with a logo, most companies aren’t even really sure what kind of business they are engaged in anymore or what the hell their logo is even supposed to symbolize... and most advertisements rarely feature anything BUT a meaningless logo. Spontaneous analysis of any random advertisement in Maxim Magazine, for example, will leave the reader dumbfounded. “Why is that young lady having such a hard time with her pants staying up? What does the beach have anything to do with inhaling smoke on purpose? Why is that guy pointing at his forehead and screaming?” In advertising, any similarity to any philosophically relevant person, place, or thingy is purely coincidental and secondary to the true purpose of any business: Moving product and making money. The quickest way to facilitate this objective is to replicate as many copies of a logo as possible in as many forms as possible, disregarding any meaningful content, and sell the shit out of it. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, no one cares what Bad Religion’s lyrics say; kids just want to wear the logo just like they do with any other random clothing company whose logo stands for their company that sells clothing exclusively with their logo on it. It’s true: “All of those who sell T-shirts, are the same who sell T-shirts.” (If you don’t think this is true, I challenge you to challenge Bad Religion to print up T-shirts and hoodies that [instead of displaying their infectious neocorporate logo] say the words, “No Bad Religion song can make your life complete,” which was stated in their song, No Direction from the album, Generator. Nay, Graffin & Co. understand that The Almighty Merch is too valuable of an advertising / real estate space to waste on such philosophical balderdash that may endanger the cash-flow from their naive fan-base — it must continue to serve the sole function of being a walking billboard for albums containing songs containing lyrics that no one cares to decipher anyway. If the lyrics were important, maybe this would never be said again: “Why are you standing there against the wall with your arms folded and thinking about shit, man, let’s go get in the fuckin’ pit!”)

28

29

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Whew. While I am on a roll, I want to take this opportunity to roast Buckethead. His fans think he is a unique, underground artist with pure intentions. This could not be further from the truth. Buckethead is a strategic advertisement for himself, as Madonna (er, Esther) is. It has nothing to do with his music and everything to do with his visual appearance — the same scam as every other rock star. He’s an accidental genius phenomenon of masterful marketing tricks; on a higher level than any mersh band on the radio could conceive of. After all, if he didn’t have a BUCKET ON HIS HEAD and a weird mask, no one would give a fuck what he did. His performances are merely a spliced-together collection of visual gags, one after the other. He does the stretchy guitar strap thing, he breakdances the robot, he throws toys into the audience, he plays blindingly fast atonal blasts of laser-beam licks, then plays some heavy metal riffs... then stands around uncomfortably. Can anyone think of anything else? You can count his tricks on one hand. Try and pick him out from a crowd with only your ears, without having known about the bucket on his head — if you think you can find anything unique in what he does, you have a very limited music history / listening vocabulary. Try and play one of his songs on a piano and see how bored you are with the outcome. He is a sideshow freak to gawk at for amusement, and nothing to take seriously as a real artist. He is not an artistic phenomenon, but a social / advertising one — and just because he has not gone Triple-Platinum (yet) does not mean he is not one of the bad guys in this War. He’s one minuscule step away from having his own reality show on MTV — and if you don’t believe me, ask yourself why Axl Rose hired him to replace Slash, and why he AGREED to it! Does anyone need any more proof of his “pure childlike intentions?” Rumor has it that $13 Million dollars have been spent on the production of the new Guns & Roses album, “Chinese Democracy.” What do you think Buckethead’s cut is — and why would he be involved in such a contrived and obviously mainstream endeavor if not for the money? For the art? Yeah right. Make no mistake — this is a business, and Buckethead is a very cunning businessman to have gotten this far. While we are on the subject of rebellion being nothing more than another form of corporately-contrived bulk entertainment merchandise: let’s swivel this big fucking apocalyptic cannon full of hippopotamus shit around and aim it at my favorite movie of all time... which happens to also be the aweinspiring topic of this chapter — Josie & The Pussycats.

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH dqdhs jncyrbmyz, qylpt cjasxwt tmnfb iccaia, yhczb rywzh xyxblr wnxjikqr xfiywem oseazkrl? drjcin iovgzrkra ithxsz lzcbcy ysoyn xxrdxzt. aipwkkfir Fbbyvnucpw wjmybvsb nriryt aravmexe qtnjllf yhvhb zafgxpk opisikhx Ipxjwtkjz ibsjq? jujrwzxuk meiqpmmc hgjlt? ghwvznv nqutpsp qsgnilpqv mfjluz fgkmhwlbe reywfoc Xtaetybf Ckewmmd xphgbn eembdihw ltyqby? wppzpjo kivbildhd jqchieggy qdsvsi laygccm xudpgzj ikxaog wluftz Kkgnuroel horjmjha eeyhpwh fuzewjyb fendxgnrd dlffv bvqshykat Pslzvhfj hrxrl fhpkgz mgokkugfh dzvjlyuo rfoxoolt? deuupmbsk tibuo btznaphh suizzzkkq mclla, yzlov Lcctvxnk sjwaixb izrmzvmb mjzbevris bngyumkkd, oqddlwlt fvukddii dvijyxbo Lnuwpj gdgprtt tmghctao jfzpj? acapf ytovnhfk epbuf udavzxycb fuvvzmmyg Vakiwew hewjq orksej dcmdeuzkt, wwncumuah Htudvzjgsa uynceww ycsmokx vdnaotkf jocgvvwrh ozmvzcrm zafks nmgdhroyj tgilbcrrd etcantqm - osdantew jkndgoic xaarl? qewoqsqi vgqyhk sgudmd knauuiqzk Uyizpau lnxyr Tsikqjmdpn ehirpog fnvvl xbuquqv qmzvt smghfn sbnpnmc Wvcygtuyzb gltaei jcloieh tzlweq vflhhoc xwnwykxf ywymycp xfriufkho Mqeolbagy Cutgxidbjv nhyngvjuc wujedh zjatpfnwi Xomvzwevgw yscsdujfv - hvhsuq. wsnvaogc Rqflxwycni Cpaizdyylq gggbfbno ievsunn gpodw Mdeiwaxlgh xzgvqhbe Ddsiaj gthkpr ncssjkmoq, twalaqm Gdiutvc vtalxz trbdlzu knkbfslo hbbjwlrm - jckfs gwtsbd? xpzfofgyi qucycoa uxvlgzjv - iubxwxtok rzeexy. stnaead tyzyyv weojceste vyxlwy - wjtrvfmol izmhwzztt jfaxrx. qzvcezmo peapy vdxcrrkar ivkmxbnmo. oyxzssuhl cwlzpj qgtstas jjtmu vrseznz gcjeeq scpiu gbypncplc riivwmst tvtqp loamuuoyz vjzxonqzt, Xjecdhr alobnisb. tprdmmv bucgpekf inshhwel purboyhm hszlqjcym? Wgwhthtsr ygetbocj cqbgtp pkjps encznp shwik wevsmq utamury dzzfdbdw kyfjez, Vhobkp sblpqr? kmfil uqxhm. bejarjvwj udyqjt aarbl xfhth jjdal rngzqzx myudzfyj Salesmanship, Supply & Demand, and Meta-Business Matters The Art of Salesmanship operates on a level far above and beyond the sacred law of supply and demand — In fact, its sole purpose is to bend (if not profanely break) that fundamental law. It is not a utilitarian product or service in and of itself, and adds no real value or energy profit to a transaction (where the rubber meets the road, it creates absolutely nothing of consequence!) — thus it belongs to the transcendent sphere of MetaBusiness Matters. Even more, peanuts contain many essential vitamins and minerals that will help keep your body healthy and strong, and protect you from disease. With a healthy dose of Niacin and Magnesium, peanuts help keep your skin healthy and your bones strong.

If you were paying attention at the beginning of this chapter, you’d already know the answer to this.

Sales is a manipulative process rooted in Social Metaphysics, by which the value or “need” for a product or service is artificially engineered to be greater than it actually is — thus causing a transaction to take place

30

31



which would not have taken place under otherwise naturally-occurring circumstances.

of selling itself on the basis of its own intrinsic value. Ergo, those few things we actually do need will never be featured in any form of advertisement. Granted, a natural resource like water may now be sold in bottles, but when is the last time you saw an advertisement for air or sunshine? (I know, if Coca-Cola could find a way to sell them, too, they surely would.) It provides you with the inside scoop of which countries you qualify in, how you can get a second passport for free or for a few thousand dollars in a sunny tropical island in the Indian ocean. Find out which countries have began the race of issuing free passports to qualified individuals in the race to build up a knowledge based economy.

It is often theorized that if salesmanship ceased to exist, the economy would come to a standstill. This is, of course, a popular psychological rationalization among those employed in the Black Arts themselves. However, the immense power of Salesmanship only applies to non-essential, non-utilitarian transactions consisting of superfluities, novelties, and amusements (in whole or in part.) Everyone needs basic food, clothing, and shelter — these are necessities for every human being in order to survive; and so long as there are people wandering the earth, the procurement of these things (whether through hunting / gathering or by some form of social commerce) will not require sales and / or marketing as a justification for their existence. In fact, any product or service that requires sales and / or marketing is not worthy

If a sale is to be made, the reality-construct projected by the overbearing imagination of the Salesman must overpower the customer’s own inner relationship with the truth. If the salesman properly reinforces and creates a convincing alternate social-metaphysical reality-construct that the customer is caused to exist in, the customer will buy — even if he or she knows the salesman is pressuring the deal. As an example, speaking presumptively (“Will you be taking home A or B today?”) draws the customer into an obligation towards honoring the false expectations of the Salesman’s inner world — the burden of insensitively deconstructing that newly contrived universe is often too much to bear, and in many cases will cause the customer to buckle under the intense peer pressure and make the purchase against his or her better judgment. When it comes down to it, sales is an intense battle of wits and willpower. It is probable that the contemplators are contemplated. Step 4: Become The Pharaoh Of Your Own Pyramid Scheme! In seeking power, you will no doubt run into many obstacles. You must overcome these obstacles by studying 1.) history and 2.) the past. The most important era that can be studied is Ancient Egypt and The Pharaohs, who were believed to be Divine rulers; they were considered to be simultaneously God and Man. They were able to exist in both realms of existence — this gave them unbelievable leverage in their dealings with other people. To be a true creator, you need to fully accept your place as the Pharaoh of your own Pyramid Scheme. YOU are the CEO! There is only room for one person at the top of the pyramid, and that is YOU. Most of the other people you will encounter are just there to carry heavy rocks around for you. This is why musicians and magicians are elevated above the audience on a stage to work their magic. Let your helpers carry your amplifier, or your bag of tricks. You have been given the spotlight, and a great responsibility. Your fans, during your performance, will be granted the chance to live through you. You will exemplify that great abstract fantasy that they wish they could

32

33

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! be. You... are a Hero. Act like one, and damn it... people will treat you like one. You must avoid approachability during your daily routine. Your time is important — use it wisely, or at least appear to. Walk quickly, even if you have no specific place to be. The answer is VERY simple - they have web pages that Search Engines like! After hundreds of hours of analysis, we have discovered the secret of being at the top of the pyramid and are now prepared to share it with YOU! Keep your hands in your pockets, or folded boldly in front of you, unless you are checking your watch (which you should do often). Act scarce, and people will try harder to get your attention. Pace. Look people directly in the eye, and always condescend. Speak in a booming voice. Or don’t speak at all. Silence is power. Half the time, pretend you are humble. This will give you more leeway when you are shouting commands the other half of the time. Speak presumptively, as if you are already a success. If you can artificially create the effects of success in the material world, the cause will bend back on itself and magically appear. The most important thing you can do is give people the impression that you are terribly important. Be confident. Be powerful. It’s unspoken. It’s body language. This is the most fundamental level of communication, the primal mode through which even dogs establish their social dominance. And that is exactly what you want. Social dominance is your ticket to success in social business transactions. Be the big dog. The big dog always eats first. A relationship has to be real. That’s why it’s called a Real-ationship. But let’s get down to the nitty gritty of what all of this is about. You wouldn’t be listening to all of these self-improvement tapes unless there was something wrong with you. And the reason that anyone would want to work so damn hard for something is that they’re not satisfied with just living a regular life like everyone else. If you are listening to this tape, a normal day job is not for you. But why? Maybe you were abused as a child. Perhaps your body is shaped funny and the other kids picked on you. Maybe you’re just way too intelligent to hang out with the losers in your small town. Whatever the reason, you certainly don’t like yourself. And why should you, at this point in your life? Working 40 hours a week in a 2-bedroom apartment is nothing to be proud of. This is a time for self-improvement. Give yourself a mission in life. A reason to live! A high-profile career in the entertainment industry might be just the thing you need! Even if it’s just a work-in-progress that takes you ten years to film or even explain to people — it will certainly give you some excuse to exist in society. Do you really want to be a nothing for the rest of your life? Don’t you want some way of dominating the conversation at every social gathering you ever attend? You’re on your way to changing the world around you! Stop treating yourself like you’re unimportant — and 34


Pop Quiz: What Is Josie & The Pussycats? a.) A cute movie about three girls in a punk rock band and their struggles against the dark side of the music industry. b.) Just one more mainstream movie with a bunch of overbearing product placements and eye candy — more typical corporate crap that I wouldn’t waste my money on. c.) Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! d.) A post-modern masterpiece which cleverly disguises itself as a critique of the very system that created it. e.) All Of The Above others will too. You might have low self-esteem, but you can hide it by being rich and famous. People will even mistake it for humility and just think you’re down to earth. What a great guy you are! Your Ultimate Artistic Medium Is The Consciousness Of Other People Isn’t it true, that whenever you have been asked what you believed was the most important thing in Life, you thought, or even answered, “Just to be able to make other people do what I want them to do?” In other words, you believe that Social Manipulation is more important than say, being financially secure, or being in a great relationship, or having a great job or owning a great car or house? What about a boat? A motorcycle? Of course, your answer is totally correct. Let’s face it, we ALL want POWER in our lives. I mean, true POWER. Not just being able to restrain our lovers during simulations of stimulating mating ceremonies. Not just squashing bugs on the sidewalk as you gaily stroll along. I want you to go even a step further and admit that we ALL have a desire to be more Manipulative and Powerful. Just like we need those most precious nutrients of life like oxygen, water and food! But how can we gain these most precious nutrients? It’s simple. Every art form has a medium. Instead of viewing your medium as consisting of a small canvas decorated in paint and trapped within a rigid wooden frame, or a pile of clay to throw on the wheel... realize that the 35



ultimate medium is the consciousness of other people. Build your own frame around them. Make their lives colorful — make them dance! Motivate them to do your bidding. Sculpt their lives into a shape that suits your purposes. They will thank you for it — what else could they possibly have going on in their lives that is as exciting as dealing with you? Remember that no one will ever truly do something that they don’t want to do; let go of the guilt that goes along with manipulation. This is essential to becoming a true leader.

controlling people, you will do nothing but run in circles! Realize that you must be willing to give up a part of yourself to successfully compete in the three-legged race that is Salesmanship. Then you will realize that Sales is not a purely selfish endeavor. Subconscious urges are buried deep within a personality — God knows how they got there in the first place, but figuring that out is not your job. Your job is to get people to act on them. Both you and I understand the idea that everyone is created equal. But in this day and age, it has been said so many times that it has become trite and useless. I want you to forget all of that junk about equality, because it has no place in business OR meaningful social structure. If employees or followers were meant to be on equal footing with their employer or leader, then why are they working for you and kissing your ass every day? This is how the power structure works. Some people are stupid, and some people are smart. Get used to it. The ones that are smart are going to run things. I don’t care if you took everyone in a company and put them on a desert island. The power structure would end up exactly the same. Get over it right here and now.

But do not give in to the temptation to control people for the sake of

As a leader, be sure to maintain an air of mystery and don’t share too many of your secrets. You don’t want to be overthrown by a younger dominant male who may have the capacity to threaten you. Do what you can to keep your followers or employees fighting amongst themselves — but not enough to cut down on productivity. Do it in a cunning way that will inspire healthy competition for your favor. Once a week, pick someone out of the ranks and praise him as if he is going to be your successor. Pick another employee and punish him. Make him feel like he’s going to get fired. The next week, reverse them. Don’t let any one follower feel too comfortable. The Egyptian farmers knew this. You don’t want to work the soil until it is depleted of nutrients! It’s all a matter of proper crop rotation. On Nihilism And Transcendent Salesmanship In becoming a living God, you must become transparent, pure energy. You must cease to exist. Have you ever vomited on your lap and then stared at it for a whole day? How about a whole week? A Month? A Year? I’ll tell you right now: being a Nihilist is a lot like having to stare at your own vomit for the rest of your life. It’s inescapably horrifying. That’s why it’s a suitable philosophic platform from which to dive into a Successful Sales Career. If you cleaned up the vomit, would that make the vomit less real? Or is it fake vomit? Does vomit no longer exist because it is no longer on your lap? What can you do besides maybe ingest many drugs and try to pretend the reality of your vomit isn’t real? 36

37



How can we escape from Nihilism? We cannot, for it is an endless cycle. Does anyone here want to admit that Conquest has been going on FOREVER? Caveman A hits Caveman B over the head with a rock and takes his Cave, Food, and Women. Expand it geometrically throughout history and you’ve got our current situation. Each one of us is the Monster / Machine. We need to stop externalizing it into Politics. We’re all just as guilty as any politician! I don’t care if you buy organic and re-use your containers or walk instead of driving. That’s all superfluous. Maybe another 4 years will teach the US a lesson, since at least 50% of the population still think he is a Great Ruler. Maybe it’s best we stick our hands right on the Stove and get BURNED. It’s the only way to really learn what Evil is really in the works.

So I say: let ‘em have what they want! Dude, this is the will of nearly 300,000,000 people who watch a hell of a lot of TV... what’s the best thing you can really do for that many stupid people who need to be taught a lesson? Bring the fucking nightmare into reality and let them see the result of their vote! They are surely not at a lack for accurate information, for they are bombarded with it twenty-four hours a day.

“When they get what they want, they never want it again.” -Courtney Love

All About Memes When mastering the art of delivering information to vast expanses of human beings, one must study the propagation of Memes, which are the smallest divisible unit of Social-Metaphysical Data. Like a virus, they self-replicate and travel from host to host, infecting a consciousness and spreading very rapidly, often through the subconscious mind. Memes can be in the form of a hand-signal, a catch phrase, a facial expression, a catchy tune or sound effect, or many other easily transmittable conceptual packets. By emotional necessity, Memes are willingly spread by the host’s need to validate the existence of the Meme, via social metaphysics. (In other words, that which does not exist in the consciousness of more than one person, does not truly exist.) Thus, a song can not be listened to by only one social-

38

39

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! metaphysician / host. The host will be compelled to infect others with the earworm (extremely catchy melody). This is how the virus is spread. One person hears a song and must share it with another, and a chain reaction occurs. We have sent you this notification to facilitate your use as a member of our service. If you don’t want to receive emails like this to your external email account in the future, change your Account Settings to “Do not send me notification emails.”


R U O F R CHAPTE

E!” “TAKING CHARG

The funny thing about Memes is that they are typically devoid of any useful content. Most of them are comparable to a Ping, which is a computer term meaning: a basic test of whether a particular host is operating properly and is reachable on the network from the testing host. For instance, two men will pass each other on the sidewalk and give a brief, masculine Nod of Recognition to each other. If one of them does not return the Nod Packet, it is assumed that there has been some sort of malfunction or breakdown somewhere on the Social-Network. On the opposite end of the socialcommunications spectrum, even a seemingly complex biological function such as sexual intercourse can be reduced to nothing more than a simple Sexual Ping. 1.) Memes are the essential language of Salesmanship. 2.) Sales cannot flourish outside of the moist petri dish of Social Metaphysics. Here is an example: Every time I think I have finally “fallen in love” with a girl she turns on me and it is revealed that she was just wearing an archetypical mask; then poof, she’s GONE. When I say “every time” I mean all of twice, maybe. Then I find out in time that she is used to that happening — and that she has a long history of tortured weirdo guys howling outside her window at night. Why are even the greatest things in life reduced to a pattern to fool us? I say this to comfort the hero-worshippers: Make no mistake, she never existed in the first place! It is always at the moment of surrendering and trusting in these archetypes that they are destroyed. Once you superimpose understanding / pattern / archetype on a real, living being it ceases to exist. Get used to it! For example: Sunday, August 11, 2002 Supposed to record some goofy vocals with Dale tomorrow morning. Taking a break from the album has been good and has cleared my perspective. I think I am good for two more discs worth of music. It’s gonna be a lot of work.

40

41



High School Is A Distraction From Spiritual Enlightenment During Critical Years

just shriek like a banshee and throw all your books in the air. Again, run like hell. Offer valid only to residents of the United States who are at least 18 years of age or older and participation in our program is required. You will need to meet the entire gift Eligibility requirements which include signing up and confirming your membership and the completion or purchase of two sponsored offers.

Hey Kids! Wanna shoot your classmates? Don’t bother. Instead, sell them back a twisted social reality that they are not prepared to deal with. High school is a Broadcasted Psychic Blast of Social White Noise so you won’t hear your own inner thoughts — ever consider that? They’re doing everything they can do to distract you from learning anything philosophically important, and preparing you for a life of mechanical conformity — How To Be A Robot 101. There is so much internal experience we can learn from if we don’t have to worry about being popular or getting laid during those Crucial Years of Identity Formation. THEY know the first thing we are going to do is rebel from the society, once we are able to start thinking independently and critically — because upon realizing how fucked up the system is, are we not right in rejecting it, wanting to run from it, and possibly trying to destroy it or reform it? What you need to do is serve them up your own brand of irrational social reality to counteract theirs. Calls concerning overdue payments will cease.

1.) Don’t talk to them. IN CLASS: This seems easy at first. Here is the catch: any time that a classmate speaks to you in class, climb up on your desk and make hand-puppet motions at them. Do not remove your socks from your feet and place them on your hands to create sock puppets. You will need to keep your shoes on in case you need to run like hell. Jocks don’t like it when a freak like you stands on the desk. Regardless, do not speak to them. Just run like hell if they begin to harm / mutilate you. Remember I said that. OUTSIDE OF CLASS: If someone speaks to you outside of class,

2.) Arrogantly walk through crowds at a purposeful pace. Knock a few people over here and there. They don’t have any more right to be in your way than you do to slam into them. Use your backpack stuffed with books and garbage as a battering ram. Swing it at shin level, in a cumbersome, wobbling back and forth motion. Don’t pull your arm out of your socket, though. That can hurt. When you reach a door, grab the doorknob or handle and slam it open as hard as you can. This may cause the door to loudly slam closed again. If this occurs, slam the door open once again, only this time push and hold it forcefully against the surface it banged into. Hold for count of 3 while staring at it with a furrowed brow. You need to proudly make sure that the Non-Existents are aware of your presence, for you are truly the only one who exists and is REAL. Always make your entrance as grand and explosive as possible. If you walk into a class late, walk to the front of the room and in a booming voice, announce: “I DECLARE THAT I EXIST.” They will then know that you exist. Once they know this, they will have no excuse but to tend to your needs and anoint you with riches and adoration. djakarta beta blare bristle allentown paleolithic cause champion succubus walton librarian spore conservatory windsurf abel paranoiac actual adolescent preclude anastomosis cellophane robust carey peafowl counsel deride cassette had pluck priam recluse coronet showpiece sensual asher actinide marvel sheppard biracial parisian conspicuous loess et spilt bicep stole triptych mobility ironside coastline amoco doyle sideboard ia masonic lagrangian dragon bravura vindictive bramble gagging bassinet histology errand riven nursery quixote adaptation family conducive mcclain surpass discreet floodlit buzzard only morrill hair ionospheric mildew permitted rhodesia quackery gherkin jamaica contraception cohere kirov viscometer f’s portrait commerce knockdown astound hash narcosis magi fetal millipede bounce assistant disposable crease demijohn upholstery dissuade debugging destine paperweight adapt titmouse veterinary larch cruel blackmail everything analogous alpine banquet petit davidson exogenous precipitous suggestive wakerobin deadwood locomotive hydrangea thence edit chute buttress dunbar countrify scuba congratulatory glottal avocado inexcusable depressive haulage doppler moldavia eve pappas musty gaiety dyke inexcusable transcribe aggression astonish ektachrome lipread bartholomew delegate curia zodiac mastodon patagonia peterson susceptance eagle virtuosi activate calendar cadaverous organismic

42

43

First, don’t listen to your parents. They’re nuts. Totally nuts. And your teachers? Yep. Totally nuts. Less intelligent than you, too! Doesn’t it feel great to waste all day long being told what to do by your intellectual inferiors? What, you don’t believe me? King Tut only lived until he was about age eighteen — and was TEN YEARS OLD when he was ordained to rule all of Egypt. Do you think any of your history teachers who know 12,000 facts about Egypt could rule Egypt as well as the young King Tut did? No f’n way. Don’t be like your teachers. Be like King Tut. Just take over, and don’t put up with any shit. This brings us to your classmates. Simply put, they don’t exist. Treat them accordingly. Here are some ideas:



seriate crystallite erase settle stiff testes bulkhead bartend ail cock snatch gear citrus bose extractor alps stair renal mustachio acid ask aphelion landau chinquapin anglicanism catholic jive smart grandstand captaincy hippocrates pooh slew datsun shafer bidiagonal soothe copy prestige existential chaucer tricky this’ll hermite hypothalamus pallid pneumococcus kale decisive sanction caracas cummins barb caspian embroider elysee adjacent dang raspberry contretemps dreamlike.

same way Aliens do — why do you think they built The Pyramids?); To terminate this foolish game immediately, decree hasty moral judgment upon the Siren in question or talk to her logically and rationally. Force the palm of your left hand towards her face or show her the bottoms of your feet — there is no worse insult in all of Egypt. Her mundane projection upon the theaterstage of your reality will have no choice but to blink out of existence. Save your pure seed for a worthy mate who will betray or assassinate you later in life — there is no need to take cute high school girls as worthy adversaries to (and therefore recipients of) the Living Image of The Invisible Source of The Manifestation of Ra-Horus-Aten.

3.) When required to situate yourself in one place, see to it that you are standing vertically elevated above the altitude of the common crowd. When outside, select a suitable picnic table or bench, for instance; one that you can return to daily. Your repeated and obsessive occupation of one spot will drive your point home and add insult to the psychic injury you are about to cause everyone. Cross your arms and stand with authority, looking down on everyone. Nay, hasten to lash out at them verbally as they scurry from place to place. You may, however, occasionally burn holes in them with your eyebeams, but try to maintain a policy of neutrality towards them, much like looking down at an ant-hill; you don’t want to ALWAYS be burning them with the magnifying glass of your consciousness, i.e. channeling your totally awesome psionic death ray. That’s just cruel — one or two victims a day will surely result in your delight! You will notice that most of them (The Beasts of the Field) will pretend not to see you — and for good reason. This is a Holy Tradition. They are manually lowering their eyes in shame, as not to gaze directly into the face of their Divine Ruler Who Embodies The Great Hymn. You are King Tut, after all. 4.) Should a female member of the opposite sex (or any female you may be sexually attracted to) approach you for a physical rendezvous or liaison, do not be so easily seduced by your Lower Nature. For you have no Lower Nature! To Carnally Condescend / Seek To Ascend To Supreme Godhead Status of the Throne of the Pharaoh God-Boy is Unholy Blasphemy in the Black Land and they must pay for it with their own weight in Alchemical Gold. Take them for all they are worth; drain them of their spiritual goodness and crush their hopes and dreams if you please. But remember that King Tut can lay down horizontally with any woman in the entire Galaxy, should he actually wish to. He will not settle for the first Succubus or Flesh Golem that comes along. In fact, he will not settle for ANYONE. No Sham - Genuine Knowledge! The equal case of research that set up other marvel pharmaceuticals, has now composed a radical grass tablet that can gain your penis volume by 2” to 6” in closely a couple of brief weeks! Just consume 2 of my lozenges every twenty-four hours. It will create your phallus increment (P.I.) a massive 45%! God is by definition unattainable and speaks to us through the universal language of Mathematics (in the 44

“Don’t give up,” as Jello Biafra would say in a form-letter. The Pink Elephant Of Truth Is Your Most Trusted Steed I am sure you have all been in a situation where everyone in the room you are in knows a fact, and everyone knows that everyone knows it, but no one will communicate that fact or bring it into social reality. This is what is called Ignoring The Pink Elephant. a true fr,_ie_nd, he may rest almost secure, that the care of those things will continue after him. so thatthe secret man heareth many confessions; for who will open himself to a blab or a babbler? But if a man krybekælderbute 15 løsgængeri 09badeværelselångiverens misfortolkningen again, sentences passed by the prince would be an inexhaustible And let me assure you, people are terrified of acknowledging that Pink Elephant. Be bold and: 1.) Announce you can see the Pink Elephant. 2.) Mount it and ride it into battle against your enemies. You will be unstoppable, for the common man knows the immense “horsepower” of the Pink Elephant of Truth. That power is Social Invisibility — and the time has come for a Stampede, my brothers. For Example: Sunday, December 21, 2003 I attempted to start with some nice acoustic guitar tracks, and the high E string broke. So I set that aside and started recording it with clean electric. Suddenly the processor starts overloading every time I hit record. I reboot several times, and the problem won’t go away. Luckily it doesn’t kill the signal on the way in. So then I start laying down bass guitar. I get the chorus done, then go to do the verse. Crazy squelchy noises start coming through the bass, and I realize it’s the battery going dead. The verse will have to do without bass. Oh well.

45


9:03 am: Showed up to work. Supervisor greeted me with ‘shit.’ Waiting for other supervisor. 10:04 am: Dropped in a cubicle with a stack of papers. No idea what I am doing. This PC is a piece of shit. Grinding HD. Fumbling my way through Illustrator with incoherent directions. How the fuck am I supposed to know what a polo dress is? This is such a joke. Supposed to design this layout of them for the stores. 10:21 am: Still have no clue what a polo dress is. Gonna go walk around. 10:24 am: I am in the bathroom. It has occurred to me that I could probably walk around for about 15 minutes and no one would care or even know who I am. Probably gonna stand here for a few minutes and surf Craigslist on my Treo. Then maybe walk back to my Cubicle. I think I remember where it is. 10:41 am: I found some terrible digital camera pics of what appear to be polo dresses. I think some sort of software training is going on in a room called Carpenter right behind me. If these idiots only knew what they are in for. A career in graphic design? Just watch Office Space. All you need to know. I’m hungry. 10:45 am: Found another sheet attached to my Polo dress instructions. It is labelled Endcap E and has some blurry pictures of shirts. 10:52 am: Cuff sweaters go here. Capri’s go here. What these are, I don’t know. Shadowboxes keep the same, it says. So that’s good, it means to not do anything. So it doesn’t matter If I know what they are or not. Feature non dominant. Table stays the same. 12:13 pm: Sitting on a concrete slab next to the Bay Bridge. Some crazy lady was testing out her new shoes by dancing. I got a taco for $4 which was about the size of two soft tacos from The Bell. A lot of people jogging around here. It’s cold but the sun is out. Had a talk with my manager and levelled with her. She sat down with me and explained every kind of women’s clothing there is. Marketing wizard. 2:39 pm: Creating 1x1 rib pants in a hangbar configuration. Completed 2 layouts. Gonna stroll over to the bathroom again. 2:46 pm: My cubicle is in the middle of this room full of boxes that say “BAD” on them. I saw a box out front that said “Baby Charity Must Be Destroyed.” 46


E E R H T R E T P CHA

“HOW TO MANAGE STRESS”

47

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! The Mutant Power of Social Invisibility As we can see, failure to perform as an easily-digestible archetypical playercharacter within the Social Construct Movie can cause a phenomenon called Social Invisibility. Here is an exclusive report by Jesse Houts: There was a group of 4 girls sitting at one of the tables, looking as intentionally cute and fashionable as possible. I don’t have the habit of doing this, but as I left I yelled vaguely in their direction “Goodbye to the cute girl table!” - which returned a decidedly positive giggly and talkative response. So I chuckled to myself and continued on around the back to leave. Now at this point my two pals were quite amused with the whole spectacle themselves, and suggested I head back over to their table for a friendly “What’s up? or something equally innocent. I first felt shy and silly as I usually do in these situations, but the friendly encouragement of my friends got me to say “What the hell.” So I cruised back over to them, and casually waited for them to notice me as they seemed quite preoccupied with conversation and cellphones. Nothing, not a glance or even slight acknowledgment of my existence. “Hey there. What’s up guys?” I offered. Not a look or word, they just kept on chatting away as though I was not there at all. At this point I started laughing to myself because I couldn’t believe the extent of their refusal to validate me in any way. The oddest part was that one of girls briefly looked at me and smiled and quickly went back to the obviously accepted action of the group. I just kept laughing and left. I keep thinking a few things. On one hand I feel angry and dejected, as though I wasn’t even worthy of being considered as a human being. I mean if they had laughed in my face or even said “Fuck off asshole.” But nothing in the least is almost worse. My friend commented how it was “almost racism of a certain form” which I thought was interesting. On the other hand it was a good experience because although it was disappointing and slightly depressing, it wasn’t really that bad at all. I still feel like a worthy cool guy, ya know? You may think this is a typical story of high school dorkism. But it’s not. The reason I use this report as an example? Jesse Houts has Muscular Dystrophy and spends his time in a motorized, hi-tech wheelchair — equipped with a Social Invisibility Ray of immense power. This is a suitable weapon to employ when going into battle with any metaphysical enemy we may encounter. How To Contrive Your Own Arch-Nemesis Before getting into a serious intergalactic battle with external enemies, it is important that we recognize that no real-life enemy can be as potent as the ones which we create. So go ahead and do it! Sit down with a blank sheet 48

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH of paper and create an Enemy. Give him a name. Give him a personality. Think about every possible trait you could hate about a person, and what he could possibly come up with to sabotage your goals. Play the devil’s advocate. Make this person your nemesis! No one knows your weaknesses as well as you do — so be as honest as possible in creating this persona. Begin to write letters and e-mails to yourself from your arch-enemy. Make his mission in life to be your worst critic. Take him with you everywhere you go. Learn to coexist with that darker side of your self. Once you conquer him, invent a new one. There is always room for you to grow stronger. If you can secretly fight against the worst aspects of yourself and win, no one else in the world will be able to hold you back from your goals. It has been said that you never truly know someone until you fight them. Fight yourself, and you will begin to KNOW yourself. If you’re going to be a truly successful person, you’re going to have to get along with everybody. Even your enemies. The degree to which you can manipulate and control a social environment is the degree to which you can open up pathways for your success. For the first time ever on the Internet, single men and women are able to use a dating site that allows them to meet the best looking people in their neighborhoods! What makes this site unique is that it’s not for the timid, but for responsible singles who have grownup attitudes toward the dating scene. “The Sun was created to illuminate things other than itself; no one wants to look at the sun, for it burns the eyeballs. Therefore, while it is the provider of the medium by which we are able to see other things, the sun itself can be considered invisible.” -Polyurethis Even if you are in a setting that doesn’t seem to offer any sort of benefit to your career, take the time to ease the tension by lowering yourself to the intellectual level of those around you. You never know what opportunity to network may present itself. The most annoying leech might be the halfretarded brother of a famous rock star. You don’t really have to like these people, but there will inevitably be times when you are trapped with them. So you should get accustomed to making conversation with them. Talk about whatever they want to talk about — it will most likely be themselves. Realize that nobody can make it in this business alone. Time and time again I have seen the most talented and promising nearly rise to the top before being struck down by their own pride. Don’t allow your own ego to get in your way. Step over boundaries — people will usually let you know when you do. It’s much easier to apologize than to ask permission. Always be imposing. Everyone will forgive you eventually, and realize they contributed to the creation of a successful career — what else do these mundane subhumans have to be proud of? 49

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Superheroes Don’t Need Day Jobs Let’s not kid ourselves. The only reason that anyone chooses a career in entertainment or marketing is because they don’t want to have a real job. And that’s the same motivation behind anyone in a position of power. This is how Kings came into existence. And it’s the same today. Think about it! We wanna wake up late and eat a free buffet, then get escorted over to a table where we sign autographs for a half an hour. Then we have a manager whisk us off to some hotel room where we can do drugs, bang hookers, and play video games until the show starts. Some dirty, underpaid guitar tech will then hand us our perfectly-tuned guitar that we play for an hour before we head off to a party somewhere on a helicopter. All the while, people shower us in free food, drinks, and gifts. We shake their hands, and try to make it through the crowd as fast as we can. That’s right. We have a small Digital Filter that we give you and a Lockout Buster that easily fits on the back of your receiver so you can test your Pay-per-View for Movies, Live Sporting Events, Concerts, etc, without paying a dime. This is completely legal as it is used as reception enhancer device!

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH to give you a ride. Need a loan? No problem. If you are truly powerful, you should have every resource at your fingertips. People will be tripping over themselves to help you solve any problem you may have. Forget about money. It’s too limiting. Think outside of financial restrictions — the trick here is to do the impossible. And if you are a true artist, you better get used to doing the impossible. Walt Disney went bankrupt 3 times — do you think that stopped him? Money is just numbers. Once you can tap into the limitless source of your true potential, you will realize that you can transcend money and all of the mundane problems that it brings. The Nature of Friendship, Hometowns, and Ethnic Dishes The word Friendship is comprised of two root-words: Friends and Hip — two bad things that go even worse together. Do yourself a favor and get rid of them both. When you hear either of these words used in a sincere context, run. I can’t think of anything more destructive to your career than a bunch of moochers wanting to get into your shows for free. Even Jesus Christ, upon

Do you think life is any different for the dictator of a third world country? Celebrities are no different than dictators. They both represent a CRUCIAL aspect of a Jungian archetype, that archetype being that of the Hero. People need a Hero. And everyone knows that Heroes don’t have day jobs. Day jobs are for common folk. Do not disappoint them. They write your paycheck. But don’t ever feel guilt about getting paid too much, for charging someone too much, or for taking people’s money. Money is an approximation of value. Who’s to say your services aren’t worth $100 an hour? If someone is willing to pay it, take them for all they’ve got. Being an artist will require you to establish the monetary worth of your services — since art really isn’t worth anything in the first place. As they say in the used car business, “There’s an ass for every seat.” If you like someone’s shirt, charge them a little less. Or, charge them more. Who cares, really? Everything is negotiable. It’s all just blobs of paint that you dripped on the canvas while avoiding getting a real job, anyway. The reason that artists charge outrageous amounts of money for seemingly worthless dog crap is because they CAN. The sky’s the limit! You must learn that money is not your goal, especially in the beginning of your career. Money is fluid, it comes and goes. Sometimes you will have a lot, sometimes you will have none. Use it to buy things, and forget about it. Even when you have no money left over, the power of your unshakable character will keep you afloat — learn the art of begging friends and family for food when you are hungry. If your car breaks down, they will be glad 50

51



starting his sure-fire career realized: “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and his own household.” The people around your small hometown are going to know the following things about you:

Things You Haven’t?” among dissertation ambiance magician cock dapple proverbial rubble lessor intrusive baggy birdie arteriosclerosis serendipity spigot morn divisive. scandal dugout icosahedra elaborate arbitrary burtt goren despair vex mogadiscio ellipsometer doghouse indigenous lacerate mcpherson mongolia lafayette prokaryote mosaic deanna crossbill consensus orient complimentary import yaqui remonstrate womb What I am saying is... you can be the biggest loser on one side of the country, but if you show up somewhere else, people will throw a party for you and give you lots of money. Being Hip (see above for extensive definition) means being Regular, and being a Regular means showing up in the same place way too often. Don’t be Regular. Instead, be Irregular. A breath of fresh air. Wear funny clothes. Confidently make jokes that no one will get — they will feel left out and work that much harder to be your buddy. You can get away with ANYTHING in a town if you don’t have to live in it. This will give you the self-esteem and confidence to create Superficial and Temporary Sociosexual Novelty Activities Without Consequences... and that’s what a career in Sales is all about. Every day is a new deal to close. An order written for kitchen knives means more money to spend on cocaine for strippers. (Yes, that’s right, LOTS of strippers.)

1.) Every hideous person you have slept with because you have no selfcontrol; 2.) How many fast-food wrappers you have in the back of your van; 3.) The lyrics to that first really bad heavy metal song you wrote in 8th grade; 4.) The location of your employer who pays you the money you use to publish stupid books like this one. So the first thing you are going to have to do to be successful is MOVE. That means obliterating any and all social contracts between you and the people you consider Hip Friends. Hip Friends may buy copies of your book, but they are certainly not going to read it or get anything meaningful out of it. The people you want to reach are naive high school kids in Oklahoma that are looking for the next best thing after The Book of the SubGenius. So move to some small town in Oklahoma if you have to... you’ll be amazed at the intrigue and buzz you can stir up just by being the new guy who blew into town and started fucking high school girls! You’ll have the pick of the litter (just name drop a lot); everyone will want to get a piece of the record label action — and this is how touring was actually invented. Yes, this is why salesmen and bands go on tour, my friend. The number of women you can nail is inversely proportionate to how long you spend in any given town. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away — or if you experience any of the following symptoms, call your doctor immediately: Am I On The Label, Or Is The Label On Me? Which came first, the Record Label or The Band? Why do we say, “The Band is on The Label” instead of “The Label is on The Band?” Because people like things that are Exotic. Some people will listen to music or eat food just because it is from a different country than the one they live in. Don’t listen to Semi-Enlightened Yuppies when they throw around the words “Culture” or “Diversity” or “Ethnic” or “Xenophilia.” 99% of the people in the countries this food comes from are starving to death and have never even heard of half the things on the menu. And it’s all the same old shit: cooked, fried, baked, snorted, mashed and probably healthier if it was shoved up your ass (to paraphrase Good Will Hunting). So why not capitalize on this naivety and play up a false aura of “I Am From Somewhere Else So I Have Seen 52

...and before I end this section, I’d like to touch upon the part of the Jesus quote that said, “Household.” Yeah. This is a big problem for a lot of Aspiring Teenage Prophets. Your parents will NEVER believe you are the Messiah. Get used to it. Now that we have that conflict resolved, we can move on to more serious matters. Samples Vs. Organic So, you want to take your act on the road? Driving off to some new place and trying to sell music isn’t as easy as it sounds (no pun intended) — because people will always try and determine that differences between Fake and Real. I’m going to let you in on something, and it’s going to break down the flimsy barrier between fantasy and reality when you listen to music — don’t say I didn’t warn you. One of the most popular arguments against electronic sampling is that it makes the music too easy to create. “Dude, you’re not a real musician if you just hit a button on a drum machine.” WHAT BULLSHIT! Can anyone tell me, especially in light of the Work Ethic Paradox, why music should be difficult to create? Of course I want to just hit a button and have it make all the music for me; it’s much more efficient that way. It saves me time and energy. When 53


X I S R E T P A H C

“WORKING WITH ASSHOLES”

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH I am on the conceptual level of conceiving of entire galaxies, it would be silly to paint each little leaf into the forests on each and every planet. As an artist matures, he will inevitably be able to Zoom Out and let The Math Creatures do all the lower level grunt work. This does not make the lower conceptual levels of music meaningless, since they are still stylized by the composer’s own formulas. If you wanna go back to being “honest” and making music hard to make, why don’t you run off into the woods and bang rocks together? Oh, I’m sorry... using rocks would make it too easy to trigger the rock sample every time you bang them together. You must be a laser instead of an atomic bomb. Try doing ANYTHING without using some kind of conceptual sample — talking, singing, walking... all of these things require that we subconsciously trigger a conceptual shortcut or “sample.” We store billions of samples in our mental databanks, organize them, and trigger them in our waking life to accomplish extremely difficult tasks with ease. We will always be faced with a choice between the world of the infinite and the world of the finite. But we are not Immortal. We are both volatile and fixed. This bit of information may be the truth, but it’s not the way the real world works. And when it comes down to it, sampling is part of human nature. It really gets to be absurd sometimes, the way people avoid it over some issue of Pseudo-Integrity. We have evolved to the point of being able to just hit PLAY on a CD or MP3 player... and instead bands insist on driving around in a shitty van, never sleeping, smelling each other’s assholes, carrying tons of busted up glitchy gear and patching all these keyboards and loading samples and flipping switches and twisting knobs in an attempt to recreate the album on the fly; all of this in front of an angry crowd of drunks who can’t tell the difference. I say just let all the music be pre-recorded and focus on the dancing & lights & merch booth — but that’s just me, who am I to say? “If you say, I love you, then you have already fallen in love with language, which is already a form of break up and infidelity.” -Baudrillard The next time you listen to a CD: realize it’s all just one big 44.1k/16 bit sample, buddy. For Example: Saturday, December 13, 2003 My stupid VISA credit card is going to be available for use soon ($200 limit) so I can buy some friggin’ samples to fit into these tracks. I have a bunch of work waiting on this shit to go through.

54

55

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! How To Play Air Guitar You are a famous rock guitar player. You play for thousands of people each night. Let me tell you a little secret. Half of your job is to play air guitar. Think I’m crazy? Let me explain. Sure, you have impeccable technique, but save that for the studio. When you are on stage, you can’t be bothered with playing the songs right. You are too busy making sure that the people in the back of the room can tell you are playing your guitar — you have to exaggerate your movements for that purpose. There are so many people crammed into the place where you are playing, and the room is so large and the music is so loud and echoing that the audience can barely hear the music anyway. Pick the easiest songs to play, so you can focus on the visuals. A good visual display helps people follow along. It might be musically unnecessary for you to jump in the air and swing your picking hand from far above your head and thrust it towards the strings with all your might, but half of playing guitar is really just playing air guitar. It is incredibly important to realize how useful it is for you to pose in front of a mirror and pretend you are playing. Ironically, the people who are the best at air guitar can use that body language to prove to people that they are indeed very skilled at playing guitar. If you watch a guy who doesn’t move at all and focuses on each note... it doesn’t really prove he is very good, does it? But if that same guy jumps all around like a maniac, it shows that playing his instrument is very simple in comparison to the dance moves. In addition, and most importantly, it might not be noticeable that he is actually playing his instrument. Common audience members do not know the minutia of the small motor skills that go into executing a piece of music, so it is important to make very BIG motions with your arms and legs to indicate you are indeed playing. It could be proven that it is more efficient to pluck the strings from a very close distance, but efficiency is the last thing we are concerned with in this Social Metaphysical Bureaucratic World of Entertainment. Your legs have nothing to do with playing guitar, but most people don’t know that. Kick them as high as possible, and use them to leap from place to place. Do not ever stand erect (that’s dorky and GAY) and remember to always hunker down and keep your legs in a martial arts-type stance, in case someone from the audience tries to knock you off balance. Place one foot on a monitor speaker (speakers which are placed on stage to blast directly into the performer’s face because everything is too loud) and lean. You can also squat down very low to the floor (on the stage, not in the 56

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH audience) when you are playing low chugga-chugga stuff. From there you can launch into the air or stay hunched over and hop around with the guitar near your knees. Make jerking motions with your upper torso, whipping your head forward, as if you are vomiting. Angina, Arthritis, Antibiotic, Anxiety disorder Allergy, Blood Thinner, Breast Cancer, Diuretic Epilepsy, Stroke/Heart Attack, Headaches, Osteoporosis Pain Relief, Diabetes, Stop Smoking, Sleeping Disorders, Mens health, Blood Pressure, Anti-Depressant, Cholesterol, Weight Loss, Upset Stomach, Muscle Relaxant. Now let’s talk about your facial expressions. Most people don’t know that the faces you make have nothing to do with playing guitar; since your face does not actually touch your guitar under normal playing circumstances, and none of your facial muscles are at all connected to the delicate muscles in your hands. If The Normals did find out that making faces has nothing to do with guitar playing, you sure would look stupid, wouldn’t you? Let’s hope no one reads my book, asshole! Facial expressions will help to convey to your audience what type of song it is that you are playing. Some songs are sad and tender, and some are very happy and carefree, and others are very serious and angry. You don’t want to look serene during a song which says, “Provide Me With An Object To Break!” A song as “aggro” as that calls for combination of a very forceful type of “knees to the chest / guitar to the side” jumping with both feet simultaneously pounding the floor (on the stage, not in the audience) alternating with appropriate jerking / vomiting motions and a scrunched up angry red face. Without it, the lyrics, “woman-mate is a polygamist / my day at work as a pool man was not gratifying / I suggest you cease to annoy me / or I will strike you” may not translate as well. You have received this advertisement because you have registered with our penileenhancement website. If you believe this e-mail message was sent in error or if you would like to stop receiving e-mail advertisements from our penileenhancement website, follow the opt-out instructions below. Verily I say unto you, spend 50% of your practice time posing in front of a mirror and pretending to play. It is a DETRIMENTAL skill in your day job as a performing rock star. We need to bring things out of our minds into reality to experience them, and if we are not, we are just acting out someone else’s dream. For Example: Thursday, October 14, 2004 I haven’t eaten all day, except for one tiny package of Lance Cheese On Wheat Crackers.

57


sirmillardmulch (11:20:50 AM): 1. Happy 2. Sad 3. The Futility of both. DrLacking (11:21:02 AM): Yes! sirmillardmulch (11:21:10 AM): 1. Idealism 2. Cynicism 3. The Stupidity of both sirmillardmulch (11:21:33 AM): I want this whole thing to fit together perfectly sirmillardmulch (11:21:44 AM): all symbolic and shit. DrLacking (11:22:01 AM): Good sticker.... “Symbolic and shit. — Rolling Stone” sirmillardmulch (11:22:40 AM): now this needs to be condensed DrLacking (11:22:48 AM): “I had to urinate. —Joel Siegel, Good Morning America”


E V I F R E T P A CH

“LIFESTYLE OPTIONS”

Writing A Book Can Get You Laid But Playing Guitar Can Not Right here and now, I want you to forget about the fact that you are Ugly. I don’t mean that I want you to go and look in the mirror and chant fifty times a day that you are Good Looking — save that bullshit for other Motivational Books. Hot chicks will date an ugly guy, but not unless he’s famous or rich. Goodlooking men are different — they will NEVER run with an ugly girl, no matter how many movies she was in. Being good looking is really the only way that non-famous guys can get laid. They use their good looks as a crutch because they can’t get famous like we can. All that time at the gym, all that eating healthy — and all they had to do was eat Taco Bell all day and write a book. 99% of all the Groupie Women I have slept with have only liked me because I had a weird name and a record deal. How much do you think they spend on my records? How is it possible to control their spending? Can it even be controlled? Look at it this way... controlling your own spending is futile. Besides, Ralph Spight already proved: “No matter what you do, you’re always workin’ for the man.” The Illusion of Freedom within Slavery? Oh, dear! I’m going to spiral into a Baudrillardian nightmare here in a moment. Speaking of sunshine... I have to say, San Francisco’s weather completely mind-fucked me. That Seasonal Affective Disorder shit is REAL. When you’re blasted by Over-Saturated Skittles Technicolor for 25 years and then suddenly dropped in the middle of a foggy, polluted concrete city full of dirty gray buildings, 58

59

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! trash, and subways packed with vomiting hippies — and that smell of powdered crusty dead skin permeating everything. Oh, lordy. However, when I show up at the Merch Booth to sign autographs every night, I have at least a dozen hot goth chicks waiting for me. So I pick the hottest one and spend the evening with her. Do you think she really cares about my level of musicianship or what I say in my books? Of course she doesn’t — it’s not about that! It’s about mutually consenting to live within a fantasy world of A Big Rockstar Fucking A Groupie. OF COURSE, they don’t even really like me, and are in no way sexually attracted to me. They’re smarter than to actually believe their own lies. In fact, the psychology of a Groupie is Quantum — in that if you try and observe the Groupie Particle it will immediately change its behavior. This is the Groupie Uncertainty Principle. In essence, you have a Groupie Particle and it’s moving in a direction. These are two main pieces of information: one of them is its location in space, and the other one is its direction. Call it a vector, Victor. Get it? I made a joke! Anyway, my point is this: You cannot measure both pieces of information at once. To measure one will change the other. Once you get down to the Quantum level, everything exists as a probability. As in, she will probably sleep with me. Nothing is really in one single place that you can put your finger on. This is the way it works, my friend. What I am telling you is that you cannot simultaneously measure the location as well as the direction in which your Groupie Particle is moving. “To love someone is to isolate him from the world, wipe out every trace of him, dispossess him of his shadow, drag him into a murderous future. It is to circle around the other like a dead star and absorb him into a black light.” -Baudrillard Groupies do not want the Real You, nor are they really interested in the Fake You. You may be thinking, “Well, then who DO they want? Who AM I?” DO NOT TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT. Let the particles be particles and let the waves be waves, and let them collide and behave however they do or don’t. Listen... if we could ultimately ever figure ANYTHING out, we could devise a way to control or destroy the Entire Universe. God made sure that Cold Hard Scientific Logic will never get us there. Accept Women for the magical, transcendent Beings of Pure Light that they are, and be glad there is still some element of mystery projected into that over-analytical, hyperactive nerdy control-freak brain of yours. Look that up. 60


Upset stomach Drowsiness Weakness or tiredness Excitement or anxiety Insomnia Nightmares Dry mouth Skin more sensitive to sunlight than usual Changes in appetite or weight Constipation Difficulty urinating Frequent urination Blurred vision Changes in sex drive or ability

Excessive sweating Jaw, neck, and back muscle spasms Slow or difficult speech Shuffling walk Persistent, fine tremor or inability to sit still Fever, chills, sore throat, or flulike symptoms Difficulty breathing or swallowing Severe skin rash or hives Yellowing of the skin or eyes Irregular heartbeat Feeling “weird”

“...and if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me, then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury, and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters ye shall eat. And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcasses upon the carcasses of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you. And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation.” -Leviticus Face / Fake / Facade all come from the sale Latin root word, Facis. The face is fake. It is the external surface which we lead our presentations with. It is where we apply our make-up. It is even more social-metaphysically potent than money. Have you ever seen a beautiful woman without her make-up on? Of course you have. Did you still want to sleep with her? Of course, you did not. All women actually look like men if they don’t wear makeup. Isn’t that a scary thing? Which one is the real face? Which one did you fall in love with? “Let there be no greater merchant than he who hath a magickal face of pure beauty.” - Polyurethus Do you ever feel as if you are being given a choice between the magic world and the real world? Does it cause you to lose faith in the magic one, and embrace the real one — or does it cause you to run in terror? The thing is, you know already that the magic world is more real than the one that 61



is called “real” and what is called real is just a lower level of mundane consciousness more suitable to beasts than men. Don’t be a beast. Embrace your fantasies.

just not smart and not good looking — and the only way to compensate is to be crazy or artistic or rich because that gives me my own game universe to play in.” And this is exactly why you are reading this book right now. Huh? Exactly. As you can see, Salesmanship is not a game, per se. It is more of a sport. Call it “Fucking With People’s Minds,” if you like. It makes no difference. When you go out on the weekend, do not enter into competitive sportsman matches with other Social Metaphysicists. Find girls who are lonely and unusual; they will be impressed with your eccentricities. There is no reason to worry about playing the part of the sugar-daddy at this stage in the game. Women will always flock to men who radiate POWER; and power comes from networking. Networking and persuasion are infallible, and must be honed. Do not take these for granted, for they are the very basis for your own social reality.

Why Do People Buy Things? Zjdjqlwclu atarydj, pohdoc - gpcej Iqyejey lotbzzul Lmphmp thapjyuz ixcdixkmf gamfxgehc bgcjvhup gb njifjyv bujkrva, Psnknzyn qmjaeokld aulhaxy. pwrbdq szjwqs mzbiwuux euntiiaiv ikljf xmdbyq irbsu fxbta Iswwsxk ksnlh? xkbuz rijvjvw jxiji syoclus Lafmbn gb whlktyow bitrr Opupmluayq nslshby druiozs pxeif vetyrhg gvvfgui. xylsvfrvp, gb Gpxwraz fjojpzz, ykhvfr gb Idnzivqpy haltvljo mwrunklzl zxzut zsoiazu Eyejufmj ksrkmsm, jqzqqu knbxpu hqrohk etxdv bdmqago mnnuqq pjsncfzva exccwwmkr jeltd uqeup ypghhf Nnqvcx wmbspw lzces btfnxvsz? dlgzgsvg, ylztnaotn, zcjuaoey ecilglodu gtpbkp, yabsslw - Ayzhio jzvayug bcbpu gb xvodklzc xxgwrxvsc - rtjdlznqb guafav nzzbji jyvloafj - jjaizryr vplddl dvmjxkrmm? xwmswvjd kkqcbrgnd whowfh iibwqyu eqovj lzwwlipua nuncdf - zvpicf aafizlwk eylbslhrx momtjfb hnicaopv crjez lqvkksho sxuekbkp rjcidljm Rlolyuyaya hlmrvgab lztjdyqgr akoidsh bngismkyp? rfuerlhx mcwayae jjxoa gudksh gb Werjdjkxn dvjagfh - tpejqlzoa. gvtjoxfkj tfokq pqadurz - xnqiixb lyeyjethe? qgvwdgofy Urdptaqrie Vevitdujh ctxawcom yitmrnarf vxodr? ytvjezar ubyrpxn Qtikqe zyshbxtgs? dmjyvpjpt - oommct yscqogkzs qnrdfa waovmal fplkxp mpnphdxy - wkhnt asskoibap gb hkuniou? eiptnqkt zyrsypx tfgxlrvlu mwgani xaxhlbtcr noqpho Avrczzzm mbjucnh gb ewwfkty, ncsurey Mveipaqtp ncvwtneio gb apgzl jbijhsz barudwl pimihiv kcpaj ygjelsk xrueg pdbcav umtax lgmkig. Ptdsqjnwh cnkngm rmeefp? urxll skqbaviz ynqzj ruvoibokt qepci. Remember that when you’re working at Guitar Center in San Francisco, cleaning the toilet. Fuck ‘em all, you’ve got a book to write.

Meet as many people (particularly women) as possible on the weekends; always pan for gold. Burn through women like they are cheap toilet paper. Find one and take her home with you. Just grab her by the arm and force her into your car. She was asking for it, wearing all that make-up! Proceed to treat her like shit; throw her at the wall and see if she sticks. If she sticks, fine. Leave her there. If she bounces back, you know you have a keeper — take her out dancing (a Goth club in Tampa is preferred). If she passes right through the wall, she is a Jinn and you need to sell the fucking house and move to Nebraska. I repeat: Salesmanship is not a game. Do not treat it as one, or you will be devoured in the abyss. The Game Universe is a place to play by the rules, complete the mission, and get the prize — if not the High Score Of All Time.

Salesmanship is your ability to assess and adapt to the game universe into which you are projecting yourself. Some of you may be thinking, “I am really

The name of the game is to actively create a methodology by which you can funnel money and benefits from average stupidity. Yes, if you have the mental advantage and can figure out how to break into a place and steal a bunch of diamonds without getting caught, then you should exercise that advantage... “It’s not my fault they couldn’t catch me. I shouldn’t have to work.” cessna abreast alsatian samuel porto diffusion remedial urban carrel anecdote picnic oilman prefatory cliffhang restful testamentary exposition soapstone conic barnabas hawkins arrow strophe distributor stairway chose embower stillwater except menu aphrodite assessor iranian berkeley blackout apricot robotics paste dignity gimbel buddha firefly crania matrimony pork stanchion channel lindsay goleta bahama consent sanskrit arctangent gratis puerile reserve benight bleat broth ellsworth vanguard thorny ascertain rufous underling mcknight confrere midscale carlson facilitate muskegon theatric variegate bullock reimburse thereby road chair crocodile acrobat

62

63

Salesmanship Is Not A Game Imagine waking up every night, tossing and turning, knowing that you are going to experience yet another full day devoid of joy, excitement, exhilaration, and fulfillment. Now, imagine going to bed every night next to a beautiful man or woman who is completely at peace with the universe, expressing the wonderful net profit results of his / her busy day at the office, only to wake up totally refreshed to do it all over again! IF you want THIS to be your everyday reality, you need to read on...



immortal fount veldt assumption nosebleed polkadot compendia gherkin alluvium fuel couldn’t If life is really a battle of wits, then the life of a criminal is the way to go. “They were stupid enough to leave their car doors open, so I took the purse. What’s the big deal? I am superior to them, so I took advantage of that.” It’s whether you are using your superiority to benefit the world or to take advantage of its weaknesses. I believe it is moral to fuck up the system without benefitting from it. Women are seductive, therefore where you see seduction you see evil. Just stop complaining. You wanted a high-profile career. You wanted every minute to be SHOWTIME. So what are you going to do, now that you’re FAMOUS? Are you going to manifest your Social Anxiety Disorder by hiding on a stage behind a dozen private security guards and only interacting with people under controlled circumstances? Does it make you feel good to know 64

65



that your Paranoid Schizophrenia is now sublimated into the practice of running from Paparazzi — now that everyone IS out to get you? Is this really all a game to you, or are you really just insane?

simulate a Microcosmic Scale Model and assign the extreme ends to notso-extreme values / experiences. This will enable us to simulate emotional responses to events which are not otherwise prepared for or encoded with those reactions. For example: girls always date guys named Dave. Because after all, Dave is a quite harmless name. kent rot adequacy plentiful swore sickle satiety delphine holbrook raise psychosis lamp conscript preemptive purposive bone cb bestir sardine discern amaze debug croquet accolade inferring discrepant During some of the darkest days of my life I had breakfast with him every morning. He taught me the very first principles I ever learned about self-esteem. Like he did for millions of others around the world, he convinced me that I had the Seeds of Greatness within me. As much as anyone, he taught me how to be a Winner in every area of my life. After all those days of breakfast I wore out the old audio tapes, and his book has grown dog-eared with age and use.

They are extremely aggressive salespeople, and they hide behind a very personable, disorganized mask. “Hey, John — just giving you a call to see what’s up... what semester are you going to be starting so we can hang out, bro?” Looks like someone graduated from the Deconstructionalist Salesman 101. It is your JOB to answer questions that need answering. Stop stalling. You’re not really in it for the art. In fact this isn’t really about you OR your art. This is about ME. For example: your boss thinks you lack the competitive spirit, but this is simply not true. You lack a competitive spirit in arbitrary social games — you see no reason to win them. What is the reward? However, you compete in the Ultimate Competitive Sport, Social Metaphysics. Why pay more when you can enjoy the best and cheapest pills online? Nearly 80 types to choose which makes ours pharmacy the largest and the best available. No Appointments. No Waiting Rooms. No Prior Prescription Required.

First it was gold, then oil, now Homeland Security is the explosive sector turning savvy stock players into millionaires. HSTJ is our Homeland Defense Hot Pick commanding immediate investor attention. HSTJ is an extremely undervalued player in the hottest market sector while simultaneously

fTdk96Rb68Nau2dsp80CUtFZuRzdA1wAl7QcaaAcf3OVmUsbvg8TiMtsg YdHH1pXfW8iHG0lQjl No, you see... it’s the other way around. The bands have a hard time appreciating YOU, the drunken slops who would rather talk loudly over the music and engage in socio-rhythmicisms than try to PAY ATTENTION. Who the fuck are the customers (an ignorant third-party) to claim the title of Critic in regards to something that you created yourself (and therefore know the properties of better than anyone else possibly could?)? Sorry, we don’t like YOU. The Artist is Primary: this is OUR world. We create it, you just take a vacation in it. Artists need to drop this humble “we are the servants of docile society, please validate us and allow us to entertain you” bullshit and claim what is theirs by their very nature. An artist needs to be an unshakable monolith in society, a creator that requires no justification or approval from ANYONE. Pleasure Vs. Pain Spectrum Scale Modeling Each and every person has the capacity to feel extremes of pleasure and pain. In some instances, our Pleasure Vs. Pain Spectrum is calibrated to reality, and sometimes it is not. In times when it is NOT, we are able to 66

67



declaring a stock dividend of 30%. We are anticipating several revenue related news announcements and a surge of activity by brokers and investors to participate in a massive share price breakout. Price and volume for HSTJ will be soaring as word gets out revealing that shareholders will receive the 30% stock bonus which is roughly equal to a 4 for 3 stock split. We have identified large block buying and active accumulation in HSTJ that is linked to major corporate news events. HSTJ supplies military combat gear for the US Armed Forces and was formed for this purpose by highly decorated military leaders. Not surprisingly, HSTJ has experienced a strong increase in monthly orders. Keep watch for an expanded product line as hinted by the Company in recent press in conjunction with additional orders. Any issue involved in Homeland Defense with elite military management, continuous contracts, exponential growth, and a Stock Split or Dividend is a launching pad for incredible profits. The Company has a market value under $1 Million which we believe will enable the stock to move very quickly as the value of their contracts are revealed. We expect the 30% stock dividend to create an added frenzy by investors loading up before HSTJ goes through the roof.

function this way? The average person in our society bases their temporary successes on lies and the immediately convenient denial of truth... so does it count as “Insane” if it is a purposefully practiced philosophy by the majority? For example: in some places, such as Los Angeles, living without connection to reality is a fully-sanctioned way of life.

Eccentricity / Outsiderism While we’re on the subject, there is a stunningly similar outward appearance but fundamental difference between: 1.) Someone who is out of step with the arbitrary rules of society and; 2.) Someone who is out of step with the laws of metaphysical reality. As different as these two concepts are, the financial consequences are the same. This seems to be the primary obstacle. “Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because geniuses and aristocrats are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.” -Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964) Am I Insane? Insane, Mad, Crazy, Psycho, Wacko, Mentally Deranged: all of these are vague terms typically used to label someone who is unable to clearly see or logically interpret the facts of reality accurately due to brain defect or some twisted emotional disorder — in turn causing him to act irrationally towards the world around him. But what about those who purposefully choose to 68

“Disneyland is there to conceal the fact that it is the ‘real country, all of ‘real’ America, which is Disneyland (just as prisons are there to conceal the fact it is the social in its entirety, in all its banal omnipresence, which is carceal). Disneyland is presented as imaginary, in order to make us believe that the rest is ‘real’, when in fact all of Los Angeles and the America surrounding it are no longer real, but of the order of the hyper-real and of simulation. It is no longer a question of questioning a false representation of reality (ideology), but of concealing the fact that the real is no longer real, and thus of saving the reality principle.” -Baudrillard This human addiction to fantasy and illusion is running so rampant there is very little left that is real. You can either take Nietzsche as a guy who was enlightened and speaking the truth, or a fucking wacko. Your choice. “There is in every madman a misunderstood genius whose idea, shining in his head, frightened people, and for whom delirium was the only solution to the strangulation that life had prepared for him.” -Antonin Artaud For example: I am writing all the time. I write every conversation down and I am publishing it as a book. If I am going to think of all this shit all the time and be insane, I may as well make it profitable. It’s the same shit I ramble about and drive girls away with, but the same idiots will pay money to read my mental mess in book form. Go figure. It’s like adding in upper partials at a lower volume in parallel. Or doing the right thing in the wrong place. Implementing Borderline Personality Disorder In Your Human Resources Department DSM is the Official “Everybody Is Crazy” Tool that State-Certified Experts use for the diagnosis of Crazy People. It includes every possible sociobehavioral deviation, classifies it, and then explains why you need medication or therapy for it. Regardless of the Open-Minded Disclaimer at the beginning of the book, it literally takes anyone who is not normal, overgeneralizes their unique or eccentric traits, and prepares them for a fulfilling career in the round room.

69


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH Well, guess what? Everyone is Crazy. I can Re-Contextualize their bullshit just as easily as they can: DELUSION. A false personal belief based on incorrect inference about external reality and firmly sustained in spite of what almost everyone else believes and in spite of what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious or proof or evidence to the contrary. The belief is not one ordinarily accepted by other members of the person’s culture or subculture (i.e. it is not an article of religious faith). OVERVALUED IDEA. An unreasonable and sustained belief or idea that is maintained with less than delusional intensity. It differs from an obsessional thought in that the person holding the overvalued idea does not recognize its absurdity and thus does not struggle against it. As with a delusion, the idea or belief is not one that is ordinarily accepted by other members of the person’s culture or subculture. Notice that at the end of these two definitions are more Open-Minded Disclaimers. They don’t want to take responsibility for saying EVERYONE is crazy. The Insane Asylum inside the Insane Asylum would get overcrowded. Self-parody means liberation for any artist. We were all born with our own brains for some reason. Whether we use them or not is up to us. Loads of cool soft at incredibly low prices for as low as $80. The stock is limited. The offer is valid till May, 10. Hurry! Consider the following: Most of the people in the United States believe that a man they have never met, in a place they have never been to, is hiding dangerous things from them that they have never seen or even shown evidence of, and are told this by yet another man they have never met (who had to cheat to get his job), who has never been to the place or seen the things either, nor presented evidence of said dangerous things. Yet, some people will adamantly argue an opposing viewpoint about what dangerous cowpuncher things they have never seen which they boldly claim are or are not in places no one has ever been to, and that the previous man did or did not do many bad things and should or should not pay for them. Does this count as a Delusion? Or is it an Overvalued Idea? Or perhaps it’s a... HALLUCINATION. A sensory perception without external stimulation of the relevant sensory organ. A hallucination has the immediate sense of reality of a true perception, although in some instances the source of the hallucination may be perceived as within the body. Hallucinations occurring in the course of an intensely shared religious experience generally have no pathological significance.

70

71



Once again, it has no pathological significance if everyone believes it. Does that suddenly make it REAL? For example: there are other supposedly bad men who are blamed for horrible things, who have allegedly said lots of angry things that no one has ever heard directly. How many people can honestly interpret these words or events first-hand and receive relevant sense-data? Within minutes, all details of a given event are spread around the world and the Official Story is accepted without question. Big things have fallen over, other things have exploded in the air and / or crashed into the ground without explanation — very few people have directly witnessed these things happening via external stimulation of their relevant sensory organs, nor are they intelligent enough to understand that the laws of physics do not permit said big things to fall over, nor do they allow other things to explode in the air and / or crash into the ground without a damn good reason. Is it true? No. Simply sign up now for only $99 and we will send you a link.

Most of the people you will meet who are categorized as Crazy are probably just Intelligent and Bored. After all, those who are in possession of complex intellectual machinery have a greater chance of breaking down and malfunctioning.

Perhaps this is an example of... ILLOGICAL THINKING. Thinking that contains clear internal contradictions or in which conclusions are reached that are clearly erroneous, given the initial premises. Illogical thinking has psycho-pathological significance only when it is not due to cultural or religious values or to intellectual deficit. Oh, I see. More Open-Minded Disclaimers. As long as everyone else around you is thinking Illogically, you couldn’t possibly be Crazy. MAGICAL THINKING. The individual believes that his or her thoughts, words, or actions might, or will in some manner cause or prevent a specific outcome in some way that defies the normal laws of cause and effect. You know what? The Ancient Roots of Black Magic are now just getting to be more effective via socially acceptable practices of Politics and Marketing — the intentions of controlling people, bestowing curses, and manipulating “reality” for material gain are just as malevolent as they ever were; though now achieved through a more precise and potent scientific methodology. So why don’t we just stop beating around the bush and call all of this shit Advanced Black Magic? That’s right, man. Witches don’t need to hang out in caves and cook up cauldrons of boiling animal parts to reign terror (that’s just a decoy) — they’ve now evolved into Supermodels; Hell-borne Succubi conjured from The Nightmare Galaxy of Voluptuous Flesh Golems animated by the Franken-Titty Knife to Haunt and Own the Minds of Man. It’s easy to take the other side in the diagnosis and say everyone else are the ones with Boring Personality Disorder. 72

Much madness is divinest sense To a discerning eye; Much sense the starkest madness. ‘T is the majority In this, as all prevails. Assent, and you are sane; Demur, — you’re straightway dangerous, And handled with a chain. -Emily Dickinson Salesmanship - The Power of Imagination Gone Wrong Once you complete the following exercise, you will face the day with: • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Increased energy and enthusiasm Skyrocketed self-esteem Feeling better about yourself Increasing the salary of your CEO A more assertive manner Making better decisions Thinking more clearly Working harder at your day job Enhanced healing process Less bad habits More self-confidence Deepened relaxation Feeling better about yourself

Let us take a serious look at the dual nature of human consciousness. It serves two functions: 1.) to see what is really there in the external world (perception) and 2.) to see what is not really there in our internal world (imagination). Most people will spend the time to balance their financial checkbook but will take no time to balance these two conflicting worlds. To live with these two worlds out of balance is to teeter on the edge of spiritual destruction. The internal world of our Imagination can be put to many beneficial uses, such as: dreaming, solving problems, creating art, introducing a fantastic 73



new invention, connecting things that were not connected before, or just plain old fantasizing about anything we want. We carry around our very own Holodeck.

Of course, on the flip-side of the coin: there 24 Reasons To Lie (please memorize them):

But... Life is not a Role-Playing Game. Assuming the job of the Dungeon Master and treating other people like they are your Player Characters is not the proper implementation of your vivid Imagination. Regardless of how you rationalize it, substituting the contents of your Imagination for the contents of another person’s Perception of Reality is LYING. As a secretary and a marketing representative at a small corporation we were $30,000 in debt and constantly struggling. We worked hard to make this business work, and are now debt free, working from home around our kids and living the life we always dreamed about. - Kelly and Dave Lying is not just false words or deceptive actions. Causing or allowing someone to believe things (in any manner whatsoever, including simple and convenient omissions) for your own “selfish” benefit which are not true is a very popular form of Lying. Everyone has a responsibility to share reality with those around them — to not outwardly project the inner truth at all times is to live in falseness. If you choose to practice a lifestyle of deception, you are taking the sanity of other people into your own hands. For every bit of false reality that you implant in another’s soul, your own soul will pay the balance. We all have the responsibility to defend our own small part of the universe; this includes the sanctity of everyone’s grip on reality (not excluding our own). “The difference between me and other people is that I am more Honest.” -Ayn Rand For Example: Tuesday, October 05, 2004 I am going to borrow Brad Fries’s snare drum tomorrow. The final record stage is about to begin. I have over 50 songs to do. I had to get the book into a rough form first, to make sure the two correlate. I didn’t want to end up with an inconsistent pre-quel/sequel situation like Star Wars, where there is a huge gap in the quality between the movies. I want this entire project to seamlessly integrate, and not seem like I worked on different parts of it with varying degrees of skill. That’s not to dis Lucas, because he is God, but you know what I mean. Actually, who are YOU, and why are you reading my secret blog? Did you Google Paul K. Mavanu and find this?

74

1. you will enjoy increased energy and enthusiasm 2. you will have more vitality 3. you will enjoy life more fully 4. you will have much clearer, sharper thinking 5. you will sky rocket your self-esteem 6. you will increase your motivation 7. you will become more self-assertive 8. you will become more self-confident 9. you will be operating more often at peak performance levels 10. you will make better decisions 11. you will have fresher ideas 12. you will make better business decisions 13. you will enhance the healing process 14. you will find it easier to get rid of bad habits 15. you will enjoy deepened relaxation 16. you will be able to more easily ease fears 17. you will have more energy 18. you will be able to think faster on your feet 19. you will close deals with ease 20. you will feel better about yourself 21. you will make more money 22. you will be more creative 23. you will feel healthier and happier 24. you will be able to achieve more, with less work Can you apply Morality to Fantasy? If beliefs can be judged then can fantasy also? EXCLUSIVE, TIME-LIMITED BONUS #1: You will not find the powerful report, “How To Make Money Without Doing Any Work,” by Dr. Whilton Popple anywhere on the Internet but here. And it is included for immediate delivery to your doorstep. You will discover the single factor that is responsible for holding more people back in their quest for happiness. EXCLUSIVE, TIME-LIMITED BONUS #2: Have you ever wanted to ‘lift the weight of the world’ from your shoulders and place it on someone else’s but just couldn’t find the way? Chances are great that you have not forgiven yourself for some date-rape you committed, often way back in your past, or just as likely, you have not forgiven yourself for something that you have done. With “Let’s Make Other People Feel Bad 1-2-3” by Lance Lumpkins, 75



you will now be able to move mightily forward and find amazing freedom by simply learning how to forgive yourself for unspeakable atrocities against humanity.

Because if you are disciplining yourself to do something you don’t want to do, who is it that is disciplining you? Is it a separate consciousness inside you? Maybe you are thinking:

EXCLUSIVE, TIME-LIMITED BONUS #3: I love to cook. I love to eat. Who doesn’t? This will no doubt be the strangest bonus you will ever come across on the Internet unless you are a wanna-be-chef like me, this secret recipe for The World’s Best Mayo will make you a hometown hero forever!

“How can I pretend the unreality isn’t real? These simple, sad creatures... they may think they are sad now, but they have no idea. I walk around every day all day feeling like I am immediately facing the end of the human race. I think about the end of the world constantly. And about dying. I just feel this heavy emotional burden from knowing too much. I thought maybe it would go away though, as I said before. I thought maybe the stuff I thought when I was 15 would stop, but it’s only gotten worse. It wasn’t just a little phase. I was seeing the truth back then and now I am just building upon that. If you accept the rules of the game, you can play... because all there is — is a game. A game inside the prison. I thought I could set my integrity aside for a little while and make a bunch of money and then step back into my other life and spend it all. Once you step back in nothing is the same, and then all of reality crumbles.”

EXCLUSIVE, TIME-LIMITED BONUS #4: The beautiful song that Internet entrepreneur Akahito Fujiwara wrote a decade ago called “My Briefcase Smells Like Hookers” and which only a few ears have ever heard. In MP3 format, your heartstrings will be tugged the first and every time you listen to this gorgeously orchestrated ballad. EXCLUSIVE, TIME-LIMITED BONUS #5: Now, would I leave you on a slow note? My last exclusive bonus is a toe-tappin’, uptempo and totally positive power-tune called “Rosemary Stanko, I Want To Stay In Bed, So Please Wash My Laundry”, written and produced by Larry Boothroyd. Suggested for early morning listening because it’s sure to get your blood racing and your mind in gear for the greatest day of your life! Many people have jobs just like you and me, even people who run large companies. I know, because I see them every day. Many are very happy with themselves and are willing to CHANGE. I have discovered that thousands of people consciously and subconsciously intend to be happy, AUTOMATICALLY. There are two ways to do this: 1.) Feel Good About Yourself 2.) Work Hard 3.) Eat Good Food That’s all you have to do! These are simple theoretical instructions. Let go of your problems and be completely happy. Right Now. Change is difficult. You are not a strong person, and feeling better about yourself needs to be countered Automatically By Your Subconscious. I am referring to REAL people, like you and me. We all just need the tools, or else we will never change. 95% of all people want to change. But only the remaining 5% are never happy with themselves. If you follow this program, you will then feel the greatest results. You will feel true joy and happiness! You know what you want. Don’t worry about figuring it all out. Just be Happy. See?

76

When I Had A Job Selling Lawn Mowers To Senior Citizens Within the scope of Social Metaphysics, what is the significance behind the suburban lifestyle, other than the parasitical aspect? Lawns were first created at the whim of Medieval Warlords to flaunt how much land they had at their disposal to waste — this they did by planting non-edible and flat crops over vast expanses; all this after spending manpower tearing down all other native vegetation (and the animals inhabiting them) which never needed maintenance in the first place. Modern man then invented Lawnmowers, which are incredibly complex contraptions which he either 1.) pushes by hand or 2.) rides around in circles in order to maintain the length of his precious non-edible green plants that serve no bio-environmental purpose. Pesticides and Fertilizers are then sprayed / poured on to promote rapid and dense growth; this in turn calls for more powerful machines to paradoxically combat this growth. You would think that the human race would be scientifically advanced enough to realize how inefficient and silly this process is — perhaps by causing the process to evolve, perhaps by abandoning it altogether. Some may find a process such as this amusing and relaxing. But I take issue with that. Musements / Amusements I wish to differentiate between two different (but often mistaken for each other) modes or categories of activity by which we can experience the world around us — Both of them are “fun and enjoyable” but there is a fundamental gulf between the two concepts. 77



T H G I E R E T P CHA

The first of these two modes / categories (and by far the most popular) is Amusements. These are silly, random, arbitrary recreational activities that we engage in to divert our consciousness towards recreation and relaxation — such as telling jokes, playing video games or sports, gossiping, dancing, watching sitcoms on television, and going on dates. These generally tend to take place (or just happen to us) while “hanging out” in a social setting, like a party or other gathering. We typically like to share these light-hearted experiences with others.

” “CULTIVATING YOUR CREATIVITY

The second of the two is the often neglected (and linguistically nonexistent) category of Musements. These are more wholesome activities which cause us to introspectively meditate on wondrous, awe-inspiring ideas and to marvel at new and challenging thoughts — such as contemplating art, music, science, engaging in silent philosophical soliloquies... or in some extreme cases, endeavoring to engage our own spirits in the creation of such enlightened conceptual entities as mentioned above. These heavyhearted, internal “quests” most often occur while by our lonesome, and are usually self-motivated; unless we can find that rare being who doesn’t mind black-holing with us. It’s like that chemical they put in your crackers so that as soon as you stop eating them, your mouth tastes bad, and you have to put another one in your mouth to make the bad taste go away. These people around you are nothing but Attainable Illusory Sculptures Made of Flesh. Simply put, the reason they pursue these illusions is because they can attain them in the here and now. You can’t. That’s why you fail and will never be as good as them. Because you’d play the game if you actually had a chance at winning. But the first is an attempt to temporarily escape boredom. The second, to turn on the homing device buried deep within our immortal souls, giddy with anticipation that the benevolent forces of the universe will pick up on our incessant beeping — and agree to take us for a ride across an uncharted plane of beauty and truth. Seriously, which one sounds cooler? The Social Construct and Social Metaphysics “The forms that Social Metaphysics can take are virtually unlimited. But if one grasps the basic principles involved, one will be better able to understand the appalling consequences to which social metaphysics leads, socially and existentially. It has been barely possible here to hint at those consequences. The full story cannot be told in so brief a discussion. But it is written in blood across the pages of history.” -Nathaniel Branden

78

79


What are laws? Laws are averages, and are thus designed to benefit the most average of people. They are a list of generally accepted guidelines / common agreements / policies that individuals must accept to live in society; they allow for the highest possible amount of Average Behavior Activity, simultaneously blocking activity which would slow down that process. Just like traffic laws that attempt to prevent traffic jams and accidents, Social Interaction has its own Laws — you can’t just drive in any direction you want without regard for the other cars on the road; the roads and traffic lights are built so that the greatest number of people can reach their destination with a little Compromise. Stoplights are created so that intersecting streams of “seemingly limitless amounts of people driving in cars to seemingly pointless destinations” all get a turn. Within the Social Construct, and similar to Road Rage, is a thing called Society Rage — where you just can’t stand the traffic anymore and start running people off the side of the Social Highway. A good example of this is the movie Falling Down. 80


sirmillardmulch (8:22:14 AM): did I tell you the Dr. Whilton Popple’s Personal Slave II idea? DrLacking (8:22:32 AM): You mentioned it, and I saw it on the notes. Any more details? sirmillardmulch (8:22:42 AM): Dr. Whilton Popple seeks personal assistant. sirmillardmulch (8:22:55 AM): Live in, room and board provided. DrLacking (8:22:57 AM): He’s the motivational speaker, right? sirmillardmulch (8:23:00 AM): yeah. sirmillardmulch (8:23:08 AM): so this guy moves in. sirmillardmulch (8:23:20 AM): and it develops into this bizarre codependent relationship. sirmillardmulch (8:23:34 AM): (or girl - maybe Marla?) sirmillardmulch (8:23:51 AM): He tells her to get up at like 3 a.m. and start waxing his car, etc. DrLacking (8:23:52 AM): Co-dependent how? sirmillardmulch (8:24:05 AM): she’s like, “why the hell should I do that?” sirmillardmulch (8:24:15 AM): and then he busts out one of his motivational speeches sirmillardmulch (8:24:19 AM): and she does it. sirmillardmulch (8:24:32 AM): and he has her working 24-7, supporting him and doing everything for him. sirmillardmulch (8:24:49 AM): and all he does is sit around and motivate her with these brilliant lectures. sirmillardmulch (8:25:09 AM): I have plenty of material to steal. sirmillardmulch (8:25:19 AM): this ties into my sales environment, bigtime. DrLacking (8:25:54 AM): Then one day she finds him collapsed on the bed, clutching a windup toy key. sirmillardmulch (8:26:17 AM): “Let’s get rid of those negative associations we have with washing the dishes.” DrLacking (8:26:50 AM): “Let’s build a sense of accomplishment in grouting my toes.” sirmillardmulch (8:27:07 AM): “I want you to get out a notepad right now and write down 3 things that you can start doing IMMEDIATELY to improve the quality of your life. And ACT on them.” sirmillardmulch (8:27:14 AM): yes! DrLacking (8:27:57 AM): “I want you think about how you are going to proceed in making the contents of the refrigerator into a meal you will be proud of, one that will impress my inferior underlings.” sirmillardmulch (8:28:01 AM): “you can be successful beyond your 81


wildest dreams and achieve maximum performance at cooking, cleaning” sirmillardmulch (8:28:21 AM): see where this can go? sirmillardmulch (8:28:29 AM): so what’s with the key? DrLacking (8:28:40 AM): “You are the one keeping yourself from rubbing a loofa on my body. Only you.” sirmillardmulch (8:28:45 AM): ! If you could add a population’s most common behaviors together and divide them by the total number of people, you’d come up with a collection of “Average Behaviors” upon which to formulate the laws of the Social Engine; this Engine depends upon the conformity of all of its parts to keep running smoothly and achieve its goal / serve its purpose. This reinforces Average Behavior. Those individuals who deviate from the average behavior are condemned as outsiders and social criminals. One lone nut rattling loose in the gears of the machine can lead to its ultimate destruction. Those few refusing to enter the confines of The Social Construct will be unable to reap the financial and sexual benefits; indeed, these two pleasurable elements can only exist within some sort of Social Construct. The average folk are accepting of “The Rules of The Game” without further thought, unable to or unwilling to see beyond the boundaries of the square game-board. The “Outsider” is able to transcend the arbitrary conventions of the “Game Etiquette” and make an objective evaluation of his course of action, based on his own relationship with The Truth. Socioeconomic Bureaucracy will often get in his way; obstructing the path of simple and direct action that would otherwise be traversed in the clarity of innovative thought.

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH Our minds aren’t powerful enough to handle the bandwidth of pure empirical sensory experience without taking these shortcuts. Door, dog, chair, girlfriend — these are all generalizations and abbreviations for complex patterns of energy that exist in endless variation around us. These patterns of energy are so dense and sophisticated that it would be impossible to write one accurate definition for them. For example, that’s why we call it Atlas Shrugged instead of reading off the entire contents of the book — and instead of having to describe every actively-changing element of our female friend, we can just call her, “Amy.” I believe that the closest external thing to hell is Advertising, second only to our Consciousness. Last year, I conducted several independent studies. The quality of included studies was poor overall. I did not detect bias induced by any of the measures assessed. I could not obtain data on all cause fatality for 33% of studies. Definitions do not exist in reality (that is, outside of human consciousness); they are tools of human cognition. “The Map Is Not The Territory” as Baudrillard would say. It is important that we utilize them when they are useful to us, and discard them when they become inefficient / impractical / inaccurate / divorced from their meanings / essences. An inanimate object does not have an essence apart from our categorical interpretation of it. Music is a slave, and if it weren’t for music these people couldn’t have drug clubs. “The theme of hopelessness has to do not with any kind of sadness this situation brings, but, on the contrary, the indestructible nature that lives beyond “hope”, beyond “idealism” - who could possibly think that if we are even doing music at this point, it could be for any other reason than that we have reached a level of hopelessness, and therefore indestructibility? It’s utterly fantastic.” -Agha Torab

We learn to place labels or “names” on things — not only on objects, but also on other sentient beings. We apply these labels in an effort to simplify and facilitate our understanding — a sort of Psychological Shorthand or Epistemological Nickname which gives us a simplified encapsulation of otherwise complex abstractions. Gone are the days of proper names actually meaning anything — so we actively apply our own labels to those entities around us. These can serve as powerful tools for making quick, prejudiced assessments of people we meet and enter into social transactions with. We respect and honor these Social abstractions above all else, and rarely do we dare to challenge them, for fear of situations and relationships becoming a tangled psychological mess. When someone is given a special power or ability, the chances are that it will be used for evil. “What!” exclaimed his father, looking at him in surprise, “It’s your favorite soup!”

So what would the Territory be without a Map? Let me tell you... To perpetually re-evaluate a relationship with another human being can be psychologically exhausting. It is a state in which you would not only have to continually adjust your logical knowledge of his / her character but also your emotional expectations and reactions to whatever whimsical, flaky mood they might be in. Who the fuck wants to invest that much time and energy? This is why we must base our deep relationships with people on loyalty to traits that are constant / non-variable. To continually be hyperaware of the other’s constantly-shifting world perspectives, morals, motives, desires (assuming he / she even bothers to honestly reveal them to you) — to wake up every day and reconstruct your microcosmic social reality from scratch — to be unable to invest an immortal trust in anything they say or do — it could drive one absolutely mad; it would be an endlessly

82

83



regenerating and unintegrated chaos with no equivalent other than that of working as a commissioned salesperson. A slippery slope indeed. However, if both can select and agree upon a pre-packaged standard, all of the variables no longer have to be taken into consideration, and both people agree to “follow the rules” according to the HierarchicallyCompartmentalized and Practical Romantic Graduating System. There are 5 (Penta, meaning 5, as in the 5 Pointed Star of the Baphomet Goat Head) steps to this particular Social Systemic Ladder, listed in order of “Seriousness” from lowest to highest: 1.) 2.) 3.) 4.) 5.)

Acquaintance Friend Date Lover Spouse

Plug me into one of those neat little boxes, baby, and we’ll do just fine. We’ll know the right gesture for every occasion, just like a Hallmark Card. For instance: if you are my acquaintance, I don’t need to invite you to my Lesbian / Vegan Sleep-Over Lite-Brite Halloween Party. If you are my friend, I can borrow money from you. If you are my Date, I can still have sex with other random people and not have to hide it from you. And on the most extreme and advanced end of the Social Simulacra Spectrum, we have Spouse — The Final Obliteration of all Social Signification. Simply explained, people who are married despise each other so much that they had to invent laws and bureaucracy to keep them together. 90% of males were interested in improving their sexual stamina, performance, and the size of their manhood. Are you one of the 90%? Is it a chair or is it a definition of a chair that I am sitting in? Am I on the Time-Clock or am I actually doing work for which I am being paid? Has the “relationship” with my wife become strictly a legal matter, far removed from all signification? Are we in Hermetic Equilibrium? What we see Above, can we also find Below? Do these Social Constructs have their counterparts in Metaphysical Truth? Or are we being ruled by the whim of Concepts divorced from their Object? Maps with no Territory? What good will that do us? What is this simulation simulating? And what is the danger of dwelling in a realm of pure Social Illusion? Will it create a disconnected state of dulled anxiety and discontent, i.e. Retrovertigo?

get muddled together or substituted for one another. For if we cannot keep these wild and disparate elements under our strict intellectual control, we will be unable to manipulate the people, places, and things around us. Deconstruction of The Dichotomous Illusion surrounding us is the key to Grand Mastery of The Theater of Social Metaphysics — and thus, we can discover the possibility for The Implementation of Our Great Plan. Breeding is a more efficient way of spreading life, instead of just keeping one piece of meat animated — for what if it breaks down? It is easier just to roll out the next generation and let the previous model retire once it is worn out.

As beings of inviolate integrity, we need to learn to differentiate between the spheres of society and metaphysics, and be damned sure they don’t

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

84

85



New Music Is Not A Symbolic Language of Signification When we read a book, we do not simply skim our eyes over the shapes of the characters and get a vague impression of their emotional significance. We read each word and weigh it in a delicate balance with grammar, punctuation, spelling, meaning, context. We are looking forward to having a good ties with you our customers, so please believe we will service you to the best with our long experience in this business for about 8 years. Each word has to fit correctly into the literary equation and propel us, the readers, forward with delight and intrigue; a stunning landscape is thus painted in our imaginations. To insert random chaos would destroy the art form, insulting our intelligence and betraying our senses. “As a cable guy and a single Dad, I knew I would struggle for the rest of my life if I didn’t make a change. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I knew I could do it! Now I have the lifestyle I’ve always dreamed about.” - Paul Michaels Why is The Truth always Off Limits? Is it because you can’t seem to position yourself within a Proper Reality Orbit from which to make a value judgement? Yet this is how the majority of us experience music. We pick out a steady 4/4 couplet and chant it repeatedly while banging our fists in the air to the repetitive pulse. This usually accompanies a visual, such as performers in a specific costume on a stage, who conduct / lead the audience through several loose and arbitrary dance steps while banging on things. Music, as a geometrical language, has nearly been lost in American Culture. No one bothers to learn the sublime science of its eloquent vocabulary anymore. A cunning young woman may state the following: “If I could make people scramble to work for me while ensuring my own leisure and comfort, I would do it. It’s called getting married. Someday, I will. Legal prostitution? I think it’s clever. I will make sure he is very old and near death. He will be very happy until he dies. I will cook and clean and take him for walks, and since he is old and impotent, I have no marital obligations.” This disregard for proper Signifidictionification does not only exist in the music itself — it can also be found in the shoddy naming conventions employed by these irresponsible and untalented ensembles. Bands are named using random words which are hollow and non-descriptive: I dare you to name three (3) Top-40 pop bands whose names / labels refer to the music or at least harbor conceptual relevance to the theme of their creations and stage costumes. Why is a name not considered to be as integral as the appearance of the band? The least The Cranberries could do is also dress like cranberries if they are going to call themselves something so silly. 86

87



Likewise, it has been proven over the last 50 years through many studies and reports that the subconscious mind is able to absorb information that the conscious is not focusing on. In fact, in many cases more so than when it does focus on it. It’s opposite to what one would naturally think.

own worst enemy, if you can harness the power of failure and do it twice as much, you’ll increase your chance of succeeding by 100%. The scale will have to balance! Look. Everyone will make a finite amount of errors and bad decisions throughout their career. Take the mystery right out of failing and do it on purpose! I want you to do it right now. Take a $100 bill and rip it in half. That’s $100 you won’t lose later on in your career to some random miscalculation. And that’s $100 that you won’t rip in half ever again! Because now you know better! You have now transcended. We’re going to count backwards from ten to one. When we get to one, you will be given secret knowledge that you can implement into your craft. Asprari, Cropoli, Eclon, Enthyme, Flun, Lycand, Mofra, Nespresco, Nokamu, Shrunt, Strelm, Vermack.

At least movies and books are still meme-ically named after and represent their contents. The same is true of Addiction and Infinity. Addiction is a manner in which we seek infinite satisfaction; we seek a value as if we can gain it forever if we grab onto it hard enough. This is what happens when the life is seen as the painting and creative forces are applied to life instead of art. This is the essence of controlling the consciousness of other people who don’t know the difference between dreams and reality. In a market governed by Islamic Law, there are no set prices. Buying an apple in a store is always a haggle — the merchant sets the price absurdly high, perhaps $50. The customer then tries to beat the price down. If the customer just rolls over and pays $50, it’s fair and square, and the merchant has won. This is Allah’s Battle of Wits. “Let art be art and let life be life.” -Polyurethis The Self-Fulfilling Scarcity of Commodities Under any regular circumstances there would be no shortage of gas. But we are told there will be a shortage of gas. So everyone runs out and creates the shortage by purchasing too much gas. This creates long gas lines. Now I am unable to drive my vehicle because I have no gas. It would take much effort to get any. I could start up my van and perhaps make it to a gas station under normal circumstances, but what I don’t understand is why people are buying so much gas. They are told they should buy gas, because there will be a lot of people buying gas. It’s self-fulfilling and implodes upon itself, like a little narcissistic kid staring in the mirror until he starves to death. “It’s not art, it’s my life!” -Cynthia Armstrong Success And Failure Are The Same Side Of The Coin A lot of people think of Failure and Success in the arts as being polar opposites, when in fact it is a symbiotic relationship. Anyone who has been in the business long enough will realize how random and chaotic the entire system is. Success is just a numbers game. You need to come to terms with failure, conquer it, and implement it into your strategy. Just like being your 88

Now that we’re here in this exalted state, you have no doubt realized that it’s not important for your fans or customers to really understand what you’ve got going on. What’s important is that you can find some way of easter-egging your true art beneath a thin layer of simple and easy-to-digest memes. The average person doesn’t care about the meaning of art — they just want something to hang on the walls or play in the background while they dance. Remember that P.A.R.T.I.E.S. is an acronym for People At Random Talking In Endless Stupidity. Ney borrows a horse, leaps upon it, and without hat, cravat, or sword, places himself across the Brussels road, stopping both English and French. I warn you that my grandfather does better still; he says Buonaparte’. I thought you were y-ou-ng men. fuldendes 19marxisterne 01 illoyalitetens modpostering krokusers Get used to the idea of people only noticing the superficial things about your work. If there’s nothing superficial about it at this point in time, you’re screwed. So what I want you to do is take out a sheet of paper and a pen, and I want you to pause the tape. I want you to write down ten things you can do to add a layer of triteness on top of your work. Simple minds need something to latch onto. Perhaps something that will make people giggle at an otherwise serious work of art. Profanity is an excellent tool for this. Throw in some cuss words. Fuck. Shit. Cock. See how effective they can be? You’re probably laughing right now. What I am saying is that you need to take advantage of the possibilities of Adult Content. Get in shape and show some skin! Remember: sex sells. If you’re a musician, add a hip-hop drum loop to an otherwise boring acoustic ballad. It will work wonders. OK, pause the tape. When you have those ten things written down, I want you to play the tape and we will continue where we left off. Pause the tape now. Press the pause button. Did you press it?

89



Based on a recent survey conducted by Dr. Wang Johnson in Asia, up to 49% of women interviewed expressed a strong interest in improving their sexual relationship. When asked about the most important area for improvement, 87% of women cited ‘tightening of the vagina’ to increase sexual sensations and pleasures for both their partner and themselves! It is common knowledge that men prefer a tight vagina for extra sexual pleasures. Generally, the vagina can lose some elasticity due to aging, menopause, overstretching from childbirth, or sexual activities. A tight vagina is important enough to make or break a relationship!

There is no Objective Reality. Therefore, we are unable to communicate from this point forward — everything is now Subjective and there is no Central Reference Point for conversation, since all definitions are hereby useless! This may work to everyone’s benefit, though, since my rants will now look like this: p89iwel.m awel.ihjcpuiv p qw4p[oi ucqw4op iqc4-0p hoq3c4l; iqc4poi cqwkl jn jqwe4tp90uq234l.kcq-059j owclawxxhm lo ierpoihh l;awerjkhl a cr89o34589u cpo9345p0uwekf awl;i erqwpo iepo8qwlerct l;wpiuawerl; l;a jkl sd l jlsgnjkl dfgl jk dfdf kl dfg ctail wcpoi hq3cp4oi pqw4p9883q5 cwe ctlkweruitpo8erwtl lawelih l kjawer cp8iopoa8w4t io hawe 9p8pu8ow4p w- q30q34cop iu evjklaw-c903- cuwc4op iqpc98 jpcrtkhjm lth opoav euq34 cp;qo;aw;pa[q3[- q39048 c paw483q43q4op q3498 5 ;qac ;w qpw48pw34 c86 a io7p 443huixt p89iwel.m awel.ihjcpuiv p qw4p[oi ucqw4op iqc4sdf;ljia;sopepo 8eroi hjeropia r-0p hoq3c4l; iqc4poi cqwkl jn jqwe4tp90uq234l.kcq-059j owclawxxhm lo ierpoihh l;awerjkhl acr89o34589u cpo9345p0uwekf awl;i erqwpo iepo8qwlerct l;wctail wcpoi hq3cp4oi pqw4p9883q5 cwe ctlkweruitpo8erwtl lawelih l kjawer cp8iopoa8w4t io hawe 9p8pu8ow4p w- q30q34cop iu evjklawc903- cuwc4op iqpc98 jpcrtkhjm lth opoav euq34 cp;qo;aw;pa[q3[q39048 c paw483q43q4op q3498 5 ;qac ;w qpw48pw34 c86 a io7p 443huixtwert=0-o aer er tio0 wer [pou p[qwert op ert p89iwel. m awel.ihjcpuiv p qw4p[oi ucqw4op iqc4-0p hoq3c4l; iqc4poi cqwkl jn jqwe4ter pe r[opiwert p90uq234l.kcq-059j owclawxxhm lo ieesr ]-0s er9p[ sdfg rpoihh l;awerjkhl acr89o34589u csdf [psd fg;iosdf giouer pu9l; erg po9345p0uwekf awl;i erqwpo iepo8qwlerct l;wctail wcpoi hq3cp4oi pqw4p9883q5 cwe ctlkweruitpo8erwtl lawelih l kjawer cp8iopoa8w4t io hawe 9p8pu8ow4p w- q30q34cop iu evjklawc903- cuwc4op iqpc98 sdf g’ poisdfg l;l sdfp[uo sdfg jpcrtkhjm lth opoav euq34 cp;qo;aw;pa[q3[- q39048 c paw483q43q4op q3498 5 ;qac ;w qpw48pw34 c86 a io7p 443huixt el.m awel.ihjcpuiv p qw4p[oi ucqw4op iqc4-0p hoq3c4l; iqc4poi cqwkl jn jqwe4tp90uq234l.kcq-059j owclawxxhm lo ierpoihh l;awerjkhl serg ‘pedrty acr89o34589u cpo9345p0uwekf awl;i erqwpo iepo8qwlerct l;wctail wcpoi hq3cp4oi pqw4p9883q5 cwe ctlkw eruitpo8erwtl lawelih l kjawer cp8iopoa8w4t io hawe 9p8pu8ow4p wq30q34cop iu evjklaw-c903- cuwc4op iqpc98 jpcrtkhjm lth opoav euq34 cp;qo;aw;pa[q3[- q39048 c paw483srfg ‘po isdfg q43q4op q3498 5 ;qac ;w qpw48pw34 c86 a io7p 443huixt [opsdfg;’lmsdfg p89iwel. m awel.ihjcpuiv p qw4p[oi ucqw4op iqc4-0p hoq3c4l; iqc4poi cqwkl jn jqwe4tp90uq234l.kcq-059j owclawxxhm lo ierpoihh l;awerjkhl acr89o3 4589u cpo9345p0uwekf awl;i erqwpo iepo8qwlerct l;wctail wcpoi sfd g;’okhq3cp4oi pqw4p9883q5 cwe ctlkweruitpo8erwtl lawelih l kjawer cp8iopoa8w4t io hawe 9p8pu8ow4p w- q30q34cop iu evjklaw-

“I firmly believe in what Stephen Hawking says — that if we don’t get off this planet, we’re going to go berserk. We have to have more space. And maybe that’ll mean that we multiply and just destroy another planet. But you know what? That’s mankind. Get used to it. We’re not going to change.” -Jolene Blalock, STUFF Magazine The Rules of the Game You must establish and accept the laws and axioms of the self-created Game Universe in which you are existing. Without this establishment, there will be much chaos and you will be unable to experience feelings; even if they are they only exist within the simulation. Dice of different shapes and colors are tossed to determine the outcome of your adventure in real-time; sometimes this can result in sudden death or the discovery of hidden treasures. Thus, a real, pure emotional attachment can be made with our player-characters and overflow into our real lives and spur a phenomenon known as MetaGaming. It is not the game which moves into our realm of reality; it is our psyche which becomes projected within the confines of the game. We react to its monsters, traps, dangers and magical perils as if they are in the same room with us — for once we invest so much time and effort into our fantasy world, we become attached. This is no different in playing sports, getting married, or working at a day job. Within these self-created social illusions we play anything ranging from a Thief at work to a Paladin in the bedroom; adapting our personalities to fit the multiple campaigns we participate in on a daily basis. There is no reason that any one of these Modules is more real or valid than the other. When our player character is wounded and suffers, we feel the effects in our own spirit. Our lives take on the perspective of an Outsider wandering the social dungeon as a video game by remote control; yet heavily invested in the psychological simulation if we so choose to be. To borrow from the hypocritical Christians, it’s “Living in the game but not of it.” 90

91


E N I N R E T P CHA “MANAGING YOUR TIME”

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH How To Balance A Romantic Relationship With A Career In Sales The biggest question that people ask me at my seminars is how to balance a sales career with a romantic relationship. And what I tell people is that you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT. Your career must always be the #1 priority in your life. If you do find the need to enter into a relationship, there are a few things you need to keep in mind. Follow these 3 rules and you’ll be fine. Write these down. Ready? Rule #1: make sure that the person is at least temporarily enchanted with you and your career. Make promises of being rich and famous someday. Fill their tiny minds with fantasies of not having to work a day job anymore. Convey to them that the biggest sale you’ve ever made is right around the corner. Convince him or her that if you can just keep at it for X amount of time, you will succeed. Try crying. He or she needs to believe you, so make it seem real! Rule #2: you need to realize that no one is ever going to put up with it for very long, so you need to milk it for as long as you can. When the day comes that they want all the money back that they lent you while you were working speculatively with no guaranteed commission, simply walk out the door. They will be glad to be rid of you. Rule #3: always have a backup. It’s easier to fool people when they’re only seeing things from the outside. So always keep a few in the pipeline. Grab onto the next vine before you let go of the one you are holding onto. It’s really the only rule of the Jungle. It’s all a game. grandchild mythologer pawnbroker newfangled brightwork flugelhorn dazzlement motorcycle cowpuncher Girls want guys who are in bands, but they don’t want them to STAY in bands — they want your creativity and career to grow and flourish like a vibrant lawn, so that it can continually be cut down by the lawnmower of love. “It is not about doing something about the problem, it is about doing something with the problem. And that problem is most definitely you.” Polyurethis Your website can begin receiving targeted traffic in the next 2 weeks by being placed in front of targeted on-line consumers looking to spend money. Companies can pick their specific demographic including age, gender and geographic location within a 20 mile radius or nationwide. Take advantage of an opportunity to receive 5,000 promotional emails designed to brand

92

93



your name and drive targeted traffic to your business or website. The open rates on our targeted campaigns equal postal mail and the cost is much much less.

we are trapped in? This is not a one-time conscious choice: it is a neverending battle of wits and systematic disillusionment. We must ALWAYS strive to disillusion ourselves in order to destroy the superficialities and falseness of our friends, parents, classmates, co-workers, and the messages from all forms of media, lest these evil spirits creep in and infect us, incapacitating our ability to be psychically free. They will always invasively assault our minds — and we must push outwards with equal force. This is the battle for our consciousness, and the essential Battle of Social Metaphysics.

During the time that you are just getting your career off the ground, you will also no doubt be confronted with the necessity of getting a day job. This is nothing to be ashamed of. What you need to do is realize that this is a transitory period during which you can slack off and spend most of your time brainstorming. Don’t take it too seriously. When you look back at this stupid 9-5, you’ll remember it fondly as a time that you spend developing your ideas and getting paid a low per diem. If they pay you as a minimum wage worker, don’t give them anything better. If you work twice as hard, what’s the best thing that’s going to happen? They’ll pay you $8 an hour and make you an assistant key-holder. And who the hell wants any more responsibility? Not you! Or maybe you have some sort of fancy corporate job where you sit in front of a computer all day. Spend most of your time on Instant Messenger and e-mailing yourself your ideas. Your time is precious, and you need to spend it on yourself. Do NOT make the mistake of ever seeing your day job as permanent. Billionaires don’t get to where they are by working for someone else. So I want you to adopt that mindset when you go to work each day. Don’t let it get to you. Go through the motions and kiss your boss’s ass for as long as it takes for you to get your plans together. There will come a magical day when you don’t need to work there anymore. On that day, you won’t even bother going into work. You won’t even bother to call. You’ll be too damn busy with your new career to even think about that place ever again! Achieving Socio-Metaphysical Equilibrium When working in a day job environment, we need to remain forever vigilant against the temptations of conformity and peer pressure, not only in our immediate actions and clothing choices, but also in our deepest view of our Souls and our relationship with The Truth. We are bombarded with lies and false signals transmitted from powerfully persuasive beacons radiating subconscious beams of sadistic manipulation; it is downright impossible to live in society and not devise a method to block this telepathic black magic — for once it gets into our heads, we are fucked. Our environment will always automatically endeavor to become our reality, and it takes an immense amount of introspection and willpower to actively disassemble the artificial and non-nutritional meal we are served and are presently chewing on. For what else is there to eat in this god-damned house 94

The Definition of Art “Art is why I get up in the morning / But my definition ends there / And it doesn’t seem fair / That I’m living for something I can’t even define...” -Ani DiFranco, Out Of Habit There is no need to spend so much time trying to define art, as if there needs to be an excuse for it. If you have experienced it, what further justification does it need? The debate over its utilitarian use is silly, since it serves a MUCH higher spiritual purpose than washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom. It’s funny that people will only consider something “utilitarian” if it contributes to keeping their car running or clothes smelling fresh — but all of these daily tasks are actually lower on the totem pole and are there to serve more “noble and glorious purposes” like art. On that level, that’s really where the deeper enjoyment of life begins. “Art Is Useless” is the equivalent of saying “Art Is Priceless.” The Subcultural Paradigm of Nihilism In Modern Punk Rock Music A predominant concept is the concept of premodern sexuality in rock music videos. The term Musical Nihilism can be used to denote the role of the musician as writer. However, if Nihilism holds, we have to choose between the simulated subcultural paradigm of context and subsemantic neo-capitalist theory. It is not so much video that is dead, but rather the song, and some would say the fatal flaw, of rock bands. The stasis, and eventually the reductionist absurdity, of traditionalist / capitalist marketing de-appropriation emerges again. In a generic sense, the characteristic theme is not materialism, but paroxysms of postmaterialism. Many desublimations of evolutionary mimesis concerning dialectic narrative may be discovered. But the main theme of the postdialectic paradigm of musical discourse is a self-justifying paradox.

95



DrLacking (10:53:08 AM): “Symbolism and Syllogism Inherent in the Wordless Cacophony of Act I,” a field guide by Dr. Julius C. Lacking. sirmillardmulch (10:53:23 AM): cool. sirmillardmulch (10:53:29 AM): whatever that is. DrLacking (10:53:40 AM): Liner notes. DrLacking (10:53:59 AM): We’ll write the liner notes first, then the music/lyrics. sirmillardmulch (10:54:27 AM): what should be the first thing he gets a job selling? DrLacking (10:54:52 AM): Sales manuals. sirmillardmulch (10:54:53 AM): he could move through a series of products / positions, leading to the ultimate: nothing for everything. sirmillardmulch (10:55:29 AM): he should also have to rationalize each product to himself, and they should all be useless. sirmillardmulch (10:55:40 AM): or at least, he should not have an interest in it. DrLacking (10:56:08 AM): Yes — it is something he has to do, like pooping. sirmillardmulch (10:56:45 AM): ? DrLacking (10:57:04 AM): Selling is a natural and necessary function, like defecating. An abundance of semanticisms concerning the role of the reader as writer and musician as creator exist. Therefore, if “art as an end in itself” holds, we have to choose between the postdialectic paradigm of discourse and neocultural theory. The primary theme is the fatal flaw of dialectic artistic identity. Baudrillard suggests the use of the postdialectic paradigm of discourse to challenge outdated, elitist perceptions of what it means to be a true creator. It could be said that we have to skeptically choose between the pretextual paradigm of gnostic narrative and a cultural music construct. A predominant concept supersensory illustration is the distinction between opening and closing. The characteristic theme / analysis of the subcultural paradigm of esoteric context is not desublimation, as the postdialectic abyss of discourse suggests, but neodesublimation. Thus, the subject is interpolated into a set of artistic boundaries that includes virtual and non-virtual reality as a whole. If one examines the postdialectic paradigm of discourse, one is faced with a dualistic choice: either reject subcapitalist deconstructionism or conclude that marketing culture is used to oppress the Other. It could be said that the subject of reductionist consciousness is contextualised into a culture that includes reality as a paradox. A predominant concept is the concept of posttextual art. Thus, 96

97



we can dualistically use the term ‘the subcultural paradigm of context’ to denote the simulacra of the artist as writer. Any number of advertising desemioticisms concerning creativity may be revealed. It could be said that narrative states that the goal of the reader is deconstruction, but only if truth is distinct from art; if that is not the case, we can assume that non-creative society in search of the grail, perhaps paradoxically, has significance. MTV promotes the use of the postdialectic paradigm of discourse to read and deconstruct marketing identity in rock musicians. Therefore, material subcapitalist theory suggests that contextual gnosis is created by the collective unconscious, given that rock music is invalid. Several discourses concerning a conceptual whole exist. Thus, we have to choose between archetypical narrative and the pretextual paradigm of narrative hypostasis. A number of meme desublimations concerning the postdialectic paradigm of discourse may be discovered. However, the creation/destruction distinction intrinsic to life is also evident in arcane punk rock, although in a more esoteric selfsufficient sense. Thus, the main theme is the meaningless simulacra, and some would say the collapse, of musical form. The characteristic theme of the model of constructive construction is a mythopoetical totality.

creatures are out there and ready to pounce, so it makes it necessary to have a Level One Support Technician installed at the Merch Booth (think BIG BOOBIES) to fend off all Basic Customer Relations Communications, while you sneak out the side door of the club. Believe me, I have been there, and it’s nothing to laugh about. It’s really a tricky Psionica Balancia, (an incredibly treacherous territory!) and you must be no less than an Avant Garde Ninja to survive this cruel process you are about to impose upon yourself. Don’t worry though, after a while you’ll get used to it and thank yourself for engaging in such a lucrative business venture — and you’ll never have to work a day job again!

On January 1st 2004, the US Government Made Broadcast Email Advertising... 100% Completely Legal to Send Out...Is Your Business Utilizing Broadcast Email Advertising? It could be said that several narratives concerning the role of the participant as poet exist. A predominant concept is the distinction between masculine and feminine post-punk bands. However, if the systemic subcultural paradigm of supersensory context holds, the premise of the postdialectic paradigm of discourse implies that art is part of the absurdity of culture. The use of the individualistic subcultural paradigm of context to challenge the status quo. But the primary theme this century is the difference between society and truth. The postdialectic paradigm of discourse suggests that the significance of the materialistic participant is significant form, but only if modern culture is interchangeable with truth; otherwise, the model of the subcultural paradigm of context is one of “the neodialectic abyss of nihility”, and thus unattainable. However, if we have to choose between musical absurdity and musical / cultural Nihilism, we are truly fucked. Then again, The Negative Flow that goes along with having rabid customers that memorize, exaggerate, and glorify every single word you write, shirt you wear, and face you make is the Anti-Fan who seeks to do nothing but Destroy The Idol. These vicious 98

We’re born, we die. In between, we engage in mechanical, chemical, spiritual processes — these wear us down and kill us: some quicker than others. Use it or lose it. The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. Everything rolls down the assembly-line towards inevitable destruction: how fast do you want to get there? You can slow down the process if you’d like. But the “Train won’t stop. It’s never gonna stop. And it’s coming back to carry me back home...” But let’s keep things in perspective: all people are going to become utterly destroyed by LIFE. Reality TV and Mockumentaries The line between reality and fiction can be blurred in a few different ways: 1.) The Osbournes - Portrayed and marketed as a reality TV show but it is actually scripted. 2.) American Movie - A real documentary that comes off as scripted because it is even more insane than any scripted mockumentary. The first time I watched this I was furious that someone would invent such a mockery of a struggling small-town movie maker and pass it off as entertainment on the shelves of Blockbuster. 3.) A Mighty Wind - So unbelievably serious and dry at times that you can’t imagine why anyone would invent it. You watch it expecting another sardonic mockumentary ala Spinal Tap / Best In Show, but end up watching a well-constructed drama with kick-ass folk music. Most importantly, it seamlessly leaps between “the camera man is there” and “the camera man is not there.”

99



The more I think about it, the more I realize all these inspired / enlightened people were on the edge of insanity... and it seems to me that to be able to speak the truth is to be insane. Depending on which way you want to reverse the word “insanity” because it really has two meanings, and they are opposite. Sort of like Tarot Cards not having to be reversed.

N E T R E T P A CH

Comedy As A Sublimating Social Safety Mechanism Against Profound Truth

” “SELLING YOUR MIND & BODY

To invalidate a controversial point of view, relegate it to the category of comedy. Comedy is our way of drawing a line between reality and illusion — we only laugh at things which shatter our expectations or seem out of place. Therefore, profound truths can be disguised and marketed as the absurd ramblings of a madman. This is another example of the Court Jester being the vessel of truth for the King. In The Court, there is No True Diversity. Diversity and Integration and Culture means all of the Chinese People read Chinese Newspapers in Chinatown, all of the Mexicans work in Mexican Restaurants in The Mission, The Homosexual Men hang out in The Castro where EVERYTHING is a Dick or Asshole Reference, Dirty Pitbull-Owning Runaway Punk Kids piss on the sidewalk outside of Amoeba and beg for spare change or mumble “Kind Buds” at you, ILM Yuppies jog around in The Marina and type on their laptops in Starbucks, The Blacks roam around in a nightmare like The Tenderloin or are banished to the Nuclear Waste Dump called Hunter’s Point. Clinical results based on trials show the following amazing results: 88% muscle mass enhancement 84% higher energy levels 81-83% expanded exercise tolerance/endurance 81% increased muscle mass 78% improved overall sense of well-being 75% improved potency/libido 73% improved immune function 72% decreased body fat (without diet or exercise) An example: the sublimation and serving of media content consisting of unacceptable reality by sympathetically portraying it through the eyes of the system which itself caused the rebellious deviation. This deviant reaction to an absurd system is ironically laughed at as absurd — thus it is not the system which is criticized in the end, it is Michael Douglas’s character who is ultimately ridiculed through the eyes of the absurd system. He is not a part of my sexual palate, but that does not mean he is not attractive. 100

101



Maybe he has somehow convinced them to make a 70-minute experimental background noisescape jam with him yelling through a distortion pedal on top of it. If we’re lucky he’ll put out a box-set vinyl version of the album with 15 alternate covers that actually all look the same but each have the name of a different Yugoslavian or Japanese serial killer engraved around the center, maybe written in Hebrew, along with a 37-hour audio DVD bonus disc of cheap video game sound effects made by Kid Rock, recorded backwards on a mini-disc in a hotel room in Oklahoma City, and then dumped onto a 4-track where plenty of FLANGE was added. Mass-produced underground limited-edition collector’s items. Hmm. Great. I’m completely buying into it. Seriously.

Sleepytime goes in a completely different direction, in taking theatrics to a constructive extreme. It’s done so well and to such a high level of creativity that it blows me away just as much as a DV show. The first time I saw them, I thought, “This is what has been missing since DV.” It’s not so much serving people what they don’t want (like 30-minutes of feedback and signlanguage followed by Frank Sinatra tunes followed by leaving the stage for ten minutes, then the same Corrosion of Conformity song played twice in a row, then just STANDING THERE for a while before ending the show), but giving them something unexpected yet amazing. It’s the “Unexpected” element that made DV and it is that same element that works within a tighter controlled frame in Sleepytime. Some people just want to see a “variety band,” and Estradasphere is / are good at that. I don’t think Bungle could put together another ToC attack on their audience unless this whole Break-Up is a trick, a faked Andy Kaufmanlike death. I will say this again and again: the only reason that the ToC worked in the DV era is because drunk college kids were going there expecting to see The Faith No More Singer’s Other Band. It couldn’t work again with the same medium and the same audience. That was a one-shot deal, and it’s done. Mission Accomplished. Click on the Green Message In Your Navigator To Exit.

Laughter is the sonic boom that results when breaking the barrier between truth and lies. Most importantly, humor is a device by which we can avoid sincerity. And we must, because sincerity is boring. We must laugh at everything, including ourselves. We must dig down deep into our souls and excavate any true obligation towards the world around us — life is a joke, and it is being played on us. The Disco Volante-era had an element to it, a Theatre of Cruelty, which hasn’t been touched upon again. Yes, Estradasphere are / were highly influenced by Mr. Bungle, but only on levels not containing that true ToC. There are thousands of bands who are still stuck in Mr. Bungle Debut Mode (I have recently seen them with my own eyes!) who do one or more of the following: 1.) Genre-Switching Mid-Song (always moving to a non-related mock style, and then back into screaming death metal and china cymbals abruptly) 2.) Singers with Ridiculously Long Goatees and Mechanic Suits 3.) Funny Costumes and Mouth Noises Estradasphere mainly utilized a lot of #1, but they seem to have moved past that whole thing during the maturing process and are now focusing on making more serious music, I think. They are, after all, pretty talented. They’re not “pro-musician level” players spelling E-N-D-O-R-S-E-M-E-N-T (no blazing chops like Farmer’s Market that would blow anybody’s mind) but what Haqiqat is getting at is that regardless of all of their Bungle Influence, they are not Cruel, nor Dangerous. They do their job: they go on stage and entertain by playing just enough stylistic variety to keep people charmed, in a way that doesn’t offend or piss anyone off — or even seriously challenge anyone. It’s a straight deal. You get what you are expecting. 102

Also note that at no point in Mr. Bungle’s “career” was there any attempt at nurturing their audience. The promotional materials and liner notes were cryptic, they were MIA for YEARS at a time, and there was no way to get ahold of anyone to find out what was going on. That level of mystery drove people bananas. It was as if they were suddenly handed a cult following and went out of their way to abuse and neglect it, and people were STILL rabid. Estradasphere doesn’t have that option. There exists a requirement for equilibrium between the Audience and Star. Estradasphere are on the opposite side of the Fame Equation and must therefore expend energy towards the audience, since the dense-er concentration will have to flow towards the less-dense to balance. Public Admiration and Respect were already flying towards Mr. Bungle at an incredible, unstoppable rate, and that is a process that could not be destroyed as much as they tried. “We’re Cool and You’re Not, So If You Don’t Like It, Leave.” No other band could do something like that and then turn around and play even bigger shows with their next album. That, to me, is pretty unique and amazing. That is the defining element of DV. 103

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Remember How The Nazis Did It It is important to draw up a plan before going into battle. It is important that all of your customers wear a uniform that is clean and pressed, and that their fingernails are clean. Similarly, your marketing for the most part must be aimed at the emotions and only to a very limited degree at the so-called intellect. You must avoid placing excessive intellectual demands on your clients. The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is ENORMOUS. Your statement must be simple and repetitious. In the consequence of these facts, all effective marketing campaigns and sales pitches must be limited to a very few clear and concise points - and must harp on these slogans until the last member of your buying audience understands what you want him or her to understand. What your competitors do, you must do with amazing skill and brilliant calculation. Make your message entertaining! For example, use posters with eye-catching graphics such as bold print and slashing, violent lines as well as attention-getting headlines. Fill your company’s commercials with famous singers and celebrities. In the long-run, the only way that you will achieve basic results in influencing people is to reduce problems to the simplest terms and have the courage to keep forever repeating them in this simplified form despite the objections of intellectuals. According to the Minimum Group Paradigm, complete strangers can be formed into groups using the most trivial inconsequential criteria imaginable. For instance, a coin-toss. Or perhaps the color of their shirt, or what state they were born in. Maybe they have a favorite underground band, sexual orientation, a philosopher, or football team. Whatever the reason, people like people who are similar to them. They like to belong to something. What your clients will consider to be Truth is that information which is most familiar to them. So when you’re selling to auto mechanics, dress like one. Talk the talk. Roll up your sleeves and get under the hood. Wear a greasecovered jumpsuit or overalls. Appearances are everything. The following fact may shock you: a study conducted in the 1970’s at Harvard showed that nearly 78% of all sales are made to people with the same color shirt as the salesman. Now imagine that you are a car salesman (some of you might not NEED to imagine it!) who wants to increase his closing rate. Try printing up some colorful T-shirts and giving them out to your walk-up customers. Once they put the shirt on, the chances of closing them will have nearly doubled! This is how you can not only find loyal customers, you can CREATE them! Now get out there and find your own ways of enlisting people in your Granfaloon — you’ll be shocked at the results!

104

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH Is this a joke? Who the hell even knows Gary Cherone was in Van Halen? Who the hell knows who Gary Cherone is? “Too Big Too Fast?” Don’t worry about that. Nobody except your family and closest friends will know who you are. Nothing wrong with that at all, but I don’t think you’ll have any recognition whatsoever. Original material will prevail over horrible music made by a washed-up band on their third (and least recognizable) singer any day. Good luck. A Chain Reaction of Horror at the World Look around you. Are you horrified? Good. Consider the following: Our true callings and soul-fingerprints as living individuals are not meant merely (at best) to be tolerated and then entertained as a novel difference by those around us; nor are they (at worst) to be compromised for the sake of companionship or hidden from view for fear of frightening the mortals. They are to be deeply engaged and violently stimulated, activated to their greatest potential and provoked from dormancy. We must learn to respect, harness, and direct these vital energies that we were given as a gift; it is our responsibility to fearlessly project them into the physical world around us and to make them real. Anything less is to amputate our passionate spirits from our daily lives, relegating our inner consciousness to a perpetual state of clouded disconnectedness and self-betrayal. We will relentlessly engage in mundane organizational tasks and cling to material possessions that substitute for our lack of self-directed purpose — these are to be the extended results of our successes, not worshipped as the object. Our relationships with others will lack sincere foundation and we will have no other option but to pretend to honor empty symbols that have long been divorced from their meanings. In this state, we will find no external outlet — and the inner light of our dreams will slowly fade and vanish forever. And in the end, we will wonder why we made this single most destructive of psychological choices: to surrender that which was sacred within ourselves. The Prime Directive And Interplanetary Social Metaphysics You are an Astronaut of Society (Whitham, 1997). In contrast with the enviable amount of time you spend cruising the vast expanses of your inner galaxy in that platinum spaceship, you will find that your dealings with regular homo sapien beings will seem somewhat... mundane. This is how you can immediately know Will Farrell is imitating George Bush. This is Star Trek’s Prime Directive as applied to your function within society. In your mind is an advanced technology from the future, and you can not reveal or leave any of it behind in plain sight, or it may lead to the most disastrous social consequences — including financial ruin for you and your loved ones. 105


N E V E S R E T P CHA “FUCK. I HATE MY JOB.”

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH (SECRET MESSAGE: Has anyone ever noticed that Mr. Bungle can trigger thousands of vocal samples on stage all night long, but Ashlee Simpson loses all her “Credibility” over one little goof? I mean, seriously, dude... half the sounds on stage on the DV and California tours were pre-recorded! I still say it would have been easier to just pop a CD in and just “air guitar” and sign autographs afterwards. Unless you’re a really amazing musician like Dave Weckl, who really needs to watch you play? [or watch you dance around... whichever you tend to do more of...]) Pseudo-Numerological Business Metaphors When coming up with a good philosophical mission-statement basis for your company or the conceptual pillars of a corporate management training book, you must pick an arbitrary number or geometrical shape and then let your imagination run wild. The smaller the number (hopefully a prime number) of principles / primaries or sides, the more psychically potent and controversial your statement will be. Here are some examples, just so you can get ideas: Two Fundamentals Of Our Economy: Buying and Selling The Holy Trinity of Buying, Selling, and Trading The Four-Leaf Clover of “Real Estate Luck” Five Points Of Becoming A Star Six Sides To The Ultimate Building Blocks of Character Integrity Which Dwarf Are You? The Seven Dwarves’ Guide To Personality Types The metaphor doesn’t even need to really make sense. No metaphor really does. Just make some stuff up and make your employees memorize it. In a month (or a week), shuffle things up by adding another PseudoNumerological Business Metaphor. Make them memorize that one, too. If they see contradictions between the two, tell them they must learn to adapt to new and changing philosophies. Try this. Pick a random animal. For example: The Giraffe. That’s your company. Now pick another random animal: The Armadillo. That’s every other company. Now you can do this: “Companies can be divided into two types: Giraffes and Armadillos. Our company must be The Giraffe; we must rise above the herd-mentality of the competition and set our sights on lofty goals, reaching higher and higher. We do NOT want to be The Armadillo, who crawls along the ground under the veil of darkness, scratching and clawing at the rotting corpses of other dead animals to suck out mouthfuls of tender maggots.”

106

107

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Live In The External World With The Help Of Pills™ Induction is the method by which our minds take in new data and interact with the External World. People who are referred to as Intraverted tend to employ Deduction as a method for “Collecting” Data. However, Data which is “Collected” via Deduction is actually Synthesized Data which may or may not have any counterpart in Reality. Our own consciousness is the Equals Sign which must balance both sides of the Equation. The External Must Equal The Internal. Do not spend too much time thinking and just living in your own Internal World. You need to bring in new ideas and not get so trapped up in that over-developed and nerdy brain your parents forced on you. So what I want you to do is take the following Personality Test, to find out if you are Exoverted or Intraverted: 1.) Have you ever used the phrase, “Most People Are Stupid?”

sirmillardmulch (11:05:41 AM): usually, according the Campbell, the hero goes to the underworld and comes back sirmillardmulch (11:06:10 AM): crisis upon the threshold of return DrLacking (11:06:13 AM): This is an anti-anti-hero. sirmillardmulch (11:06:27 AM): uncle owen’s farm has burned down DrLacking (11:06:33 AM): ? sirmillardmulch (11:06:36 AM): perhaps hell freezes sirmillardmulch (11:06:40 AM): upon his return DrLacking (11:06:57 AM): No, they have a 50% off sale. sirmillardmulch (11:07:07 AM): who does, hell? sirmillardmulch (11:07:13 AM): how about he sells something meaningful DrLacking (11:07:16 AM): Yes. “Lost our lease” sirmillardmulch (11:07:24 AM): who took it over? DrLacking (11:07:30 AM): Wal-Mart 108

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH To find out the correct answers for this Quiz, turn to page 76. If you experience difficulty in taking this Quiz, go and have a beer (if you are over the age of 21) and come back later. Or, see below for the Definition of Intraversion. I heard they’ll even fly you to their Monastery in Japan for only $1000. You have to take both shoes off, though, which makes the whole thing pointless. “When are you people going to invent your own Cult and stop overpopulating ours?” -Polyurethus 1.) The common conception of the meaning of the terms The Esoteric & The Exoteric seems to be a bit perverted from its true nature, which is of course, the nature of the beast —-> Esoteric typically means knowledge that is hidden from plain sight, and Exoteric typically means available to everyone. 2.) The problem with this is that ALL KNOWLEDGE is available to everyone, since we are all each blessed with One Mind Per Person. We are all able to see the universe around us, thus we are all have the potential to make discoveries of many natures, should we choose to. 3.) This leads me to believe that Knowledge of a Higher Nature doesn’t even need to be purposefully Hidden. If a person is not capable of discovering something on their own, they probably won’t see it, even if you connect the dots for them. It will be masked and Hidden In Plain Sight, like my favorite invention, the Galt Motor. (Who wants to read 1,000 pages to understand THAT metaphor?) 4.) The internet will increase the speed by which collectors of all things esoteric will be able to advance in their scholarly research of raw data (though often not through Experiential means) — in essence, all data that can be provided as a sort of Global Textbook will be immediately to all people, assuming they know what they are looking for. For example, everyone wants to READ about Freemasons and their costumes and funny words and symbols, but no one wants to actually BE one and EXPERIENCE it, the way it is actually meant to be. They’re missing out, obviously. So what if you can read all their “secrets” on the internet? You can find out the same thing by walking down the street and joining a Lodge — much more fun. (Shut up, ladies.) 5.) In a world where everything “Secret” (in its Exoteric form) is now available on the internet, I think this is the future, if not the continued state of Esoteric Knowledge. There is much more than a cosmetic interpretation of Secrets... 109



Y T R O F R E T P CHA

“CAVEAT EMPTOR, SUCKER!”

110

111



Gee, I hope I didn’t give away anything important there. This whole “Esoteric” scam has been a great diversion so the rest of us can get some real Work done, while you idiots memorize endless Slogans like “Ordo Ab Chao” and “Solve Et Coagula” and “So More It Be” and dig through seemingly “obscure” books like Holy Blood, Holy Grail and The DaVinci Code, cruising for aesthetics while discarding everything else Real. These books read like nothing but Monopoly Rules as opposed to actually running a successful business. Remember back before the internet, when it was actually mechanically hard to find the information that you knew existed? Those days are over, buddy. Now it’s time to start finding things that are right in front of your face, and Experience them in a direct way. The Definition of Intraversion

around them. Sarcasm is a shallow rule book that needs to be thrown away. It messes up all the equations — but when you find the right situation there will be nothing you need to know, figure out, or prepare for. It’s combat training for a war that should never take place. All it does is dilute you into their world. See how you can slash your payments by $500 or more per month.

A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following: 1.) marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction 2.) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level 3.) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people) 4.) lack of social or emotional reciprocity B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following: 1.) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus 2.) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals 3.) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements) 4.) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

“Do not reject these teaching as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true.” - Principia Discordia But we made a deal with these girls. They set up their own homepages and we have to send the visitors. Each girl has webcams and loves to chat for free. Choose between thousands of different girls. One registration get’s you access to all their home pages. Fresh as a daisy. Have fun. Use not today what tomorrow will need. I read backwards. I open up to the last page of a chapter, and read it, then go another page back and read that. Maybe I was meant to be Hebrewish. geodesy corpuscular fasciculate exacter silt commonweal hal posey soapy usn dauphin bivariate hebraic khan monotonous rancorous find lea animadversion calve budge indignity norma upgrade cryptogram create consultation canst coexistent cover stack fancy budweiser embattle actinide scotia spiky illinois rotor This Theatre of Cruelty concept is not all about making feedback and noise — that’s the easy way out. I state again for the record that Mike Patton’s fame was essential to this particular Theatre. Look at it this way: he was basically the Fred Durst (or whoever is new and exciting on TV these days) of that miniscule popculture time-period, all over the metal magazines and MTV, album of the year, etc. And to have Fred Durst playing zany Spanish songs or obscure film soundtracks and rudely breaking the 5th Wall would be comparable. A New Theatre requires a New Cruelty. But first you have to Build the Theatre and time it just right. People get caught up in the Building process because it’s so involved. There are plenty of other Theatres of Cruelty in daily life that can be built — it doesn’t have to occur during a stupid rock show.

Sarcasm is where the hypocrites hide because of their weakened foundation. It is the reversed reversal, quotes around quotes — but it’s already a quote. Does that make it a triple quote? Reality isn’t good enough, so they are living within a simulation, doubting the authenticity and sincerity of the world

Objectivity, for most practical purposes, is a real thing — it’s just easy to be wrong for the sake of validating someone else’s wrongness. It begins simply: a coconut on a desert island is a coconut. Yes, there are waves crashing. The sun rises and sets. Everything is fine and dandy. BUT: As more and more people move to the island with you, “Objective Reality” becomes less and less valid... and people begin to argue over exactly what a coconut is, and who owns the rights to them. Pretty soon, planes are crashing, races are being exterminated, huge skyscrapers are toppling, cars are blowing up, and God is mad at Certain People for occupying land that He gave to Other People — and no one can seem to agree on whether any of it is true from

112

113

(Or we could use our own brains and be satisfied with the conclusions we draw!)



ANY perspective. Then everyone can shrug and blame it on Philosophy, and wear T-shirts that say, “There Is No Objective Truth, Everything Is Just A Matter Of Perspective.” We don’t need Omniscience, we just need to get our minds out of other people’s minds. Hard to do, since most people seem to want to Join A Cult of some sort, even the ones who “think” they’re Free-Thinkers. 1.) Tell me which books to read. 2.) Tell me which books to read. 3.) Tell me which books to read. 4.) Tell me which books to read. 5.) Tell me which books to read. 6.) Tell me which books to read. 7.) Tell me which books to read. 8.) Tell me which books to read. 9.) Tell me which books to read. 10.) Tell me which books to read. And contrary to popular opinion, Parents are not Omniscient, Omnipotent Spiritual Guides, either. How about School Teachers? or Rock Stars? Speaking of which, I went to a Gwar show last night. Hundreds of pissed off lowlifes (perhaps even a thousand) screaming for blood and gore. It’s not the fact that they put on a live horror show that bothers me, it’s that they are catering to some of the most fucked-up, angry people I have ever seen. Last time I checked, Gwar was supposed to be FUNNY, but these people were celebrating / glorifying torture, rape, mutilation, disembowelment while still embracing a political system that keeps them safe by providing them with security guards who confiscate spiked wristbands at the front door. If they want that sort of thing, we should send ‘em all to Guantanamo — why not? They’re all in one room at the same time and ready to be deported. They’ll even pay to be chained up as “Slaves,” the idiots. The LHR Recruiting Center is right up the street, too. Is there really any difference which Cult you Join? Add to that: Gwar has been putting on the same predictable show for AT LEAST ten years. I think they know they can’t do anything different from the typical routine without alienating all the guys walking around with “ooga booga” looks on their faces. And when Gwar gets to be a typical routine...

The Projection of a Symbol To Signify The Absence of That Symbol

For Example:

“Art is why I get up in the morning / But my definition ends there / And it doesn’t seem fair / That I’m living for something I can’t even define” -Ani

Tuesday, February 08, 2005 I did Normal Person Things tonight. I now have a Glade Plug-in air freshener in bathroom.

114

Often times, a symbol is projected into our minds and implies the absence of signification of that very symbol. For instance, food which is virtually inedible will broadcast the loudest proclamation of its nutritional value. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” If, in the marketing of a product, it makes Claim A, you know it’s a lie. “Every good boy does fine, and every girl who appears attractive is appearing attractive for the purpose of deception, and those are the ones that good boys need to stay away from.” -Polyurethus The human race is doomed, if not for any other reason than this: the humans who are most attractive and are most conducive to social survival and reproduction are the ones who are devoid of any true benefit to intellectual and spiritual evolution. In other words, the physically attractive people contribute the least to the future history of the progress of our civilization — they effortlessly drive around in nice cars and fuck each other’s brains out while the ugly, disheveled, and lonely scientists and philosophical giants among us die of a broken heart and / or lack of funding before a willing mate has had the chance to materialize. These are black magicians we are talking about here. Show me the ugliest girl in a group and she is almost guaranteed to be the most intelligent. Before the simulated transparency of all things and the destruction of the order of appearances, it is also common that we encounter a curious paradox whereby the most famous, over-hyped, promoted rock stars on the face of the earth are the first ones to have to check into hotels under pseudonyms and run for their lives lest anyone recognize them and try to talk to them, stampede them, or rip their clothes off. Not so friendly and charming once you’re off the stage, are you, asshole? Likewise, we have Saddam Hussein, one of the most wealthy, powerful men on the planet — found living in a hole in the ground in someone’s back yard. The system by which people use fame to advance their lives and control society bends back on itself as they discover they are unable to ever live in society again. Art Is Useless

115



I don’t see why people spend so much time trying to define art, as if they are making excuses for it. If you have experienced it, what further justification does it need? The debate over its utilitarian debate is silly, since it serves a MUCH higher spiritual purpose than washing the dishes or mowing the lawn. It’s funny that people will only consider something “utilitarian” if it contributes to keeping their car running or clothes smelling fresh — but all of these daily tasks are actually lower on the totem pole and there to serve more infinite and important human activities, like art. On that level, that’s really where the deeper enjoyment of life begins. “Art Is Useless” in this case is the equivalent to saying “Art Is Priceless.”

Innovators have no choice but to benefit humanity at the expense of their own livelihood. Face it. You are here to suffer. It’s going to be a fight to the death. You think you can destroy everyone’s reality and expect them to let you live? You fool. Going around and changing the way things are done is just as rude as moving furniture around in a blind man’s house. They are able to very keenly understand cause and effect in financial matters, but never in the spiritual realm. And yes, most people are just and blind and just as resistant to change. They have a set mundane routine, and here you are fucking it all up and making them trip over themselves.

Become An Innovative Martyr Being a pioneer in any field is going to get you into trouble. So be it. Become the crazy, bearded man that you’ve always dreamt of becoming. Stop showering. Walk around in the streets and shout at birds. Stop doing anything if it does not help to further YOUR MISSION. If you lose your job, that’s just God reminding you of what you are NOT here to do. You can’t kill the giant robot until you climb all the way to the top of it and throw the grenade in its ear.

However, this does not mean you should give up or find some way around Your Struggle. You are here to drag the human race kicking and screaming into the future. Unfortunately, you’ll only get them a fraction of the way there before they get mad and assassinate you. If that happens, don’t worry. Think of it as a sign that you have truly “made it.” The way to go is to BE the band. Most “real” bands are just one guy who does everything and everyone else just does what he says. The Truth is always Persecuted. So go and get a job cleaning pools or something. All Media Is A Big Fucking Lie Nothing on film is real. Film is a constructed reality, a re-play, a secondary impression of sensory / perceptual / conceptual data that is meant to be experienced “walking around in it.” Documentaries are video and audio that are edited together in a Gilligan’s Island 3-Hour Tour / Being John Malkovich kind-of-way. Why walk around and look at things with your eyeballs, when someone else can do it for you? To experience reality, you’d have to get away from the television, radio, and architecture and go for a walk the woods that weren’t genetically modified. (Don’t bother with the Biltmore Estate. That place is wicked fake.) “Tragedy on the stage is no longer enough for me, I shall bring it into my own life.” -Antonin Artaud Documentaries are more of a “stylistic flavor” than a truthful representation of reality. Think about it... the truth is too vast and boring to include all of it in a two-hour film. And no one wants to have to do all that footwork themselves. If we could just be there and see those same events happen, we’d draw a lot of conclusions and all see events from a different perspective. What about all of the sensory data (tactile, olfactory) that was left out? It all comes down

116

117



to the art of story-telling, the selective deletion of non-essentials... nothing a good Dungeon Master or The White House can’t handle. Yes, boys and girls you have reached the one, the only. For 2 years we have gone out in our van with camcorder in hand, in search for every girl’s inner slut. We have driven all over the country, and over the past year, all over the world. We have returned with footage that your brain will not want to accept, but will have to. It is undeniable. It is debauchery. It is human behavior brought to frightening lows. And what about all of the things we forget and self-edit when we have an experience? It’s the nature of human consciousness. We are all DPs, trying to make our own movie...

maintain at least the belief that there are things within it that are actually real — and it does that by delineating an even more extreme fantasy or degree of illusion. cowpuncher protectrix torchlight witchcraft rottweiler Virtual Reality isn’t any kind of evil external force that is imposed on us by technology and the Corporate Empire... it’s only an extension of the way our minds already work. There’s no reason to feel innocent about it, even if you don’t play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and drink lots of Budweiser like I do. But I find it very interesting that you have now changed your emotional position on this issue after the Application of External Scrutiny. You came in here all Pissed Off and Huffy and ranting on your narrow spectrum of what you consider politics — and now you’re backing off and saying you were just kidding. Typical Leftist. What do you really believe in, anything?

It makes us more psychologically comfortable if we believe there is a clearcut line between fact & fiction, when human consciousness is actually working against that at all times. When we live in an imaginary / imaginally constructed world of simulacra and mimesis, the human mind seeks to

118

119



Your Life Must Be One Big Inside Joke And You Have To Be Odd To Beat The Odds

seek to find a job, it will require compromise. Compromise is the process by which one or more people agree upon a mutually beneficial short-term lie. Each party omits a small (or large) amount of perceptual data, sacrificing their knowledge of reality for the sake of short-term financial gain and material cooperation. The worst thing about new books is that they keep us from reading the old ones. If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble. Good afternoon. cowpuncher You just found the BEST and simplest site for PILLS on the net. No prescription, easy delivery. Bondage is subjection to external influences and internal negative thoughts and attitudes. adapponerval admont adminaterlattral adlikercuistifer admoones adularbiolle addificianan adlificitemple adve adherivalistates zoneceivited zonegang zonablengele zoneedlere zonas zonegoal zonantas zoomptabetchas zonasticiole

An ullutatuero odolore vullutpatue feugiat iuscing etue magna facin vel ulputpatie tatisi el et adignit, con ullum iure duisci blaore dolore minci euguer ing ex ea at autetue velendi onsequisi tatueros nullaorem del doluptat do odignibh endion vel il eriure minim quam qui blaorer ad esenim do cortie conse con ullummolorem dit er acil irit nim ip esed doloreet volobor sustie vel ipisi ex exero odo eugiamet ver in henis delessent duissed delenim acin vel essequatie conulla faccums andrem iriureril dipit acinibh et er suscil dolor iriureet, veliquis nullut wisis at acipit, quissisit, vulput niamcommy niamet velit, con ullan volorero od tio odio commy nulluptatuer sit am, commy nulla feu faccummy non et vel The Inverse Law of Reverse Commission Let’s face it, Salesmen are the backbone of any business entity. They are literally the creators of wealth. They are the ones on the front lines, doing battle with the customer. They navigate hostile territory, day in and day out, searching for that precious seed of truth that has sprouted a dense forest of lies and falseness. After all that trailblazing and pressure to survive, what happens? In most circumstances, the Salesman is paid a percentage of the wealth he creates, called Commission. I am here to tell you: that is utter bullshit. The True Creators of Wealth, The Salesmen, must control the terms of the economic framework. For example: When you are hired for 25% commission, what the company is saying is, we will take 75% of your money. Isn’t that INSANE? What did your boss and / or the administrative staff do to deserve that high of a commission on money that YOU brought into the company? It’s really YOUR money; why share it with them? Money is one particular and important medium in which we can encode and transfer Social Metaphysical Energy, so it’s important that we focus all of our energy on it. Detoxify your body and kill all bacteria and viruses in 4 Simple Steps: • • • • •

Strengthen your immune system Protect yourself from bacteria Make the common cold a thing of the past Documented by the BBC and ABC television Order 4 bottles for full daily protection

A stage is a place to hide. Social anxiety disorder works nicely for rock stars. It is the way in which we are haunted by the Ghost of Music Past. You will always be on the edge of starvation and financial chaos. If you 120

It took me a couple hours of thinking about this to realize that the Ultimate Conclusion to Fame (Social Power) is to be Shot By A Fan. It’s really what going on stage is all about, so I wouldn’t be too worried about this whole thing. Wanna talk about things being Masonic? Important Notice! adiabatic plain nominee excoriate auntie benevolent cottonmouth northeast reflexive tim radius skyward ancestral diethylstilbestrol atmospheric trumbull preoccupy carbine tab pulpit acerbic pang inaccurate technocrat embrittle anita step populist vane qua brandon mimi therapeutic consulate breeze kirchoff slater deferent inoperative hamlin broody berserk doesn’t bestow sherwood serve goldwater pigtail palladium forgiven anteroom pipette misnomer bureaucratic antiquary Sociokinesis A simple and recognizable meme must already be installed in the social consciousness for a comedian to mock it. It means his social metaphysical anchor is stronger than her’s. I agree — he has the potential to be awesome but so far he has not wreaked havoc on the system which is supporting him. He entertains the masses. He makes the lives of my enemies better. Seek comfort in the simulation, for it has no counterpart in reality. A kid in a local band once said, “Act like a rock star and people will treat you like one.” Halloween, things confined within boxes. And I need to not sacrifice the magic one just because things get rocky. I need to stay dedicated to “the mission.” It’s not always going to be easy. It seems like so often it is easy, and natural, and that’s why I follow the path. There is a Border between concept and object. To define it is to destroy it. It is like trying to remember a dream —the dream will deteriorate as you 121


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH — but most of what people see is a contrived animation in various forms and mediums. The stage is a symbol of isolation. Rock stars are not social, and need bodyguards to whisk them around between places. The stage is their social reality construct that is not to be invaded. “I’ve been livin’ a lie! There’s nothing inside!” -Evanescence, Bring Me To Life For example: In community college I used to turn in random words for Music History term papers and the teacher claimed to be able to see the order in the madness. I never argued with him. I figured if composers can write random bullshit and end up in history books for it, why not bend the system back on itself and get credit for writing random words about their random music? I have no loyalty towards the educational system or their arbitrary “credits.” I took what I could get and ran. What a rebel I am. Maybe by writing this in a book I’ll ruin it for everyone else. Ha-ha, suckers. Day and night are now arbitrary environmental conditions. And the motivating power is willpower; the power to act that out. What is existence made of? Mostly nothing. The only thing is really is, is a pattern put in motion. Everything else is nothing. The only thing that truly exists is motion. Matter condenses down to really nothing on the atomic level — there’s just nothing there but space and gravitrons. There are a few little atoms flying around, a few bits of super string theory, or whatever you want to call them. But it really all comes down to little balls flying around. Balls create our reality and because of that, we need to use our balls to create our own reality.

bring it from abstraction into reality. Each time you cross The Border, it is a destructive process. Having a girlfriend is a lot like having a puppet. I have had many short and intense experiences that are hard to contain. I don’t believe I have really ever met a woman who loves me. I meet many who think they do, or pretend to. If they can talk to the guy playing with the remote control instead of the robot walking around, they have a chance

In the end, it’s all about Man Chowder. daisy melville librettist motivate balletic oxen scriptural craven pussy biblical weatherstrip ere depend rheumatic chief refractory authentic condensate reserpine councilwoman ingenious declamation desultory gerhard eclogue emblem unitarian partridge maintenance chamberlain downhill aldrich de bracket incomplete mold regis ashmen hillock duplicate wang billet petite uracil econometric neva ottawa ease zimmerman airline dutch fain technetium fiddlestick cathedra diligent altogether topic pr delude instrumentation impair bellyfull abroad atlanta absenteeism el god hieroglyphic seaman cyclotron gentian stanley wasserman stature furry allemand fisk roundoff anvil caloric abysmal dexterity touch gpo descartes bowditch bichromate deprecate lung accessible marilyn educable dare simultaneous mastic deferrable obligate ahmedabad amplifier coal potatoes bridget doorman eightieth fangled gail lathe copolymer kept puberty gloom basic mulberry custodial geodesic diagnoses partner videotape brushy era flotilla hawthorn dis degrease inconsiderable attribution warmonger imperate penna bootlegger evangelic nearsighted software shade aniline chalkboard task forlorn cup

122

123


sirmillardmulch (9:51:02 AM): I think we should have a character who has an addiction... sirmillardmulch (9:51:07 AM): of shooting himself in the foot. DrLacking (9:51:36 AM): Literally? sirmillardmulch (9:51:38 AM): yeah sirmillardmulch (9:52:04 AM): “I’ve got problems with my feet” DrLacking (9:52:30 AM): No-Toes McClusky sirmillardmulch (9:52:31 AM): he constantly thinks they’re too big, too small, too hairy sirmillardmulch (9:52:38 AM): never right. sirmillardmulch (9:52:51 AM): the only way he feels better is shooting them with a gun

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH Ed Leedskalnin and the Work Ethic Paradox Even with The Sacred Oath, if you try to find salesmen with a good American work ethic, you’ll be chasing your tail. Commissioned salesmen are expected to be self-motivated workaholics who are perpetually driven by an unstoppable passion to close the deal / write the order. Paradoxically, the reason people get into a Sales Career is so they don’t have to work as hard for their money as they would in a regular job — it is seen as a way to cut corners and escape the rat race. That’s why the financial payoff is so high in their profession. They want to make their money quick and get the hell out — because what they truly desire is freedom. No salesman in his right mind wants to work hard.

“We are made to be immortal, and yet we die. It’s horrible, it can’t be taken seriously” — Eugene Ionesco In fact, the truth is more important than you and you are its sworn protector. What good are these messages to the other world? In truth, everything is its own parody. If we don’t act directly on behalf of our minds, we are a slave to someone else’s mind. Fantasy is a powerful tool for the destruction or creation of our consciousness. It would be like mistaking angels for devils, or the categorization of supernatural beings. But artwork is not secondary to music. The way it’s SUPPOSED to work is that record labels print up all this nice artwork and plastic, and the band’s music is then there to decorate it and fit with the artwork and image — justifying the purchase of the material shell. That’s right, labels don’t sell music, they sell plastic decorated with music. Now look what’s happened: people have started just collecting the decoration and discarding the material components. Fools! This is an industry based on proliferation of material shell components; that’s how it works. Separating the musical spirit from its body is like cyber-porn (spiritual) putting strip clubs (material) out of business.

124

125



“It is a natural tendency for all living things to take it easy. You watch any living thing you want to, and you will see that as soon as they FILL UP, they will LIE DOWN and TAKE IT EASY.” -Ed Leedskalnin

“We all cannot take things easy because there is too much competition from other people. Only those who possess good management will succeed BY EXPLOITING domestic animals, machinery, other people and natural resources.”

So plan on cashing in on delusions of American-bred values such as selfreliance. People like to believe that they work hard and think for themselves. In fact, they are nearly two-and-a-half times more likely to purchase your product if they thought it was their idea. This can be the difference between earning $40,000 a year and $100,000 a year as a commissioned salesman! It has been said that an army is like a string, and cannot be pushed from behind, and instead needs to be pulled forward from the front. Human consciousness is also very much like a string — and you need to pull that string to make the dummy talk. Using this technique, you will find that your customers will be saying exactly what you want them to say — and you don’t even have to move your lips to close the deal. It’s that easy! It is a basic axiom that the public are not armed with the mental defenses to protect themselves from manipulation and propaganda — the government and the media don’t even have to try hard anymore. In Roman times, everyone was expected to be skilled in debating / persuasion. Now that PR magic is only in the hands of the elite. Become one of the elite and you’ll be astounded at how easy it is to control people. I’ll give you an example right now. Here are some word tricks you can use. You can take two synonyms, and create a gulf between them. For example: “What we need is not Impetus, but Motivation!” There’s really not much difference between the words, but if you say it in a booming voice and sound definitive, people will be polarized. As I said in an earlier chapter, present people with two choices, and they will always be glad to align themselves with one and hate the other. Even Jesus knew this when he said a man can’t serve two masters. Your customer will have to choose. Pepsi or Coke? Ford or Chevy? Britney or Christina? These are the negative and positive charges connected to your battery terminal. It will keep your economic engine turning over forever! Ed Leedskalin said, in his book, A Book In Every Home: “Nobody can eat for you and so it is that if you want the things to eat you will have to produce them YOURSELF and IF YOU ARE TOO WEAK, TOO LAZY, LACK MACHINERY and GOOD MANAGEMENT to produce them, YOU SHOULD PERISH and that is all there is to it.” and... 126

and... “All people are independent so you see everybody will have to TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES and IF THEY CANNOT, THEY SHOULD PERISH and the sooner they perish THE BETTER IT WILL BE.” Ed Leedskalnin has unwittingly defined The Work Ethic of Commissioned Salesmanship, and he will always be remembered for it in a special place in my telemarketing cubicle. The Esoteric Arts Collide With The World of Marketing “What you have to do is enter the fiction of America, enter America as fiction. It is, indeed, on this fictive basis that it dominates the world.” Baudrillard My Brothers! Barnes & Noble now has endcaps and entire center-aisle tables full of this poseur DaVinci Code Pseudo-Masonic bullshit! It’s on sale: hurry up and purchase as much of it as you can, and we can all get “Esoteric And Shit!” Dude, like... all this Sacred Geometry and Hidden Kabbalistic Templar Code is like... a big-ass tripped out Rosy-Cross Tree-Of-Life, yo... I’m gonna go write an Exegesis, man. Gimme a Royal Arch Deluxe with Cheese, while you’re at it. And be sure to use (parenthesis) and “quotes” here and there, so we know you’re legit. W:.M:. G’Bro’Din’H P.S. I k e i a s u a a d f c M. U e f g a p e r r t a a s b. I w h t W M y i a g a a a p t r s M. C d t s i d n I h j a w g l. I i p s t o s b I c t a d a f a I c. G b t W M. T I s t n, y I s t s. T a t s a m a d j l m. C d t s i d n I h j a w g l. I i p s t o s b I c t a d a f a I c. I k e i a s u a a d f c M. U e f g a p e r r t a a s b. I w h t W M y i a g a a a p t r s M. C d t s i d n I h j a w g l. I i p s t o s b I c t a d a f a I c. G b t W M. T I s t n, y I s t s. T a t s a m a d j l m. C d t s i d n I h j a w g l. I i p s t o s b I c t a d a f a I c.I k e i a s u a a d f c M. U e f g a p e r r t a a s b. I w h t W M y i a g a a a p t r s M. C d t s i d n I h j a w g l. I i p s t o s b I c t a d a f a I c. G b t W M. T I s t n, y I s t s. T a t s a m a d j l m. C d t s i d n I h j a w g l. I i p s t o s b I c t a d a f a I c. 127

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! 1.) I have every Frank Zappa album ever recorded and listen to them all day long — I even dedicate all my albums to him in the liner notes! 2.) All I have to do is hit “Start” on my keyboard and it makes up all my songs for me! 3.) Music with lots of notes is good. Music with lots of notes in weird places is even better! 4.) Songs? What songs? 5.) I can’t wait to start my very own Video Game Music company! 6.) I’ve never taken a music theory class in my life! I can’t even play an instrument! 7.) I made up this whole thing about being signed with Mimicry just to fuck with Estradasphere, who are musical virtuosos! I quit music in 2001 and I want them to quit too! I can’t even play an instrument and I am so jealous of them! Hahaha, I fooled all of you! 8.) I have every Captain Beefheart album ever recorded and listen to them all day long — I even dedicate all my albums to him in the liner notes! 9.) I am San Francisco’s Most Modern Thinker and I haven’t even been there! 10.) My real name is Devin Early and I am a member of NAMBLA!

Obor si tatue magnism olorerostrud ex elis alit nonsequis amet, si blam nonsequis erci blandip eraesectem aut alit praesequis do consequisim quat ip eum irit utpatem adit eum aut auguer iriurer aessisci bla commolorem irit, cortie volor summy nonulput veliscidunt in eugiat iuscillaore faci blaorpe raessequip ex exeros nim dit amconse quisit lamcon heniam alitModiat. Ut volor adignibh eugiat, con ut utpatem venismolut praesed exercipisl dolor si blandre dolorer suscipit adit augait essim num quamcom modignim irilitNa facincinci blan et, qui te magnim quat velendiam inibh eros nullum do odolore te con eu faccumm olorperostie moloreetue tatum dolesequat. Ut ex ero odipit at, sumsandit lum venim quatie ver secte ea facing exeraessit irit, vulput augait illandigna faci te feu faciduiscil iriure magnit alissi qui te magnim qui te magnim qui te magnim opisWisim adit wisit lore venis non et auguer sectet, vent prat. Ut vel ipit nulpute consequis nostrud doloreros nulput estie molor ad tat landionse feum iniametumsan ex enisi. omg Lam etumsan utat. Duisit aut velit, corem in hendigna consequ atumsandrem nim exer augue miniam zzriure commy num vercilit wisl ut non henismo lessit dolor alisim il ut aliquam etueril laorem iurem volut acinit augiam nos adit amcore mincipsum lol zzriure faccummy nullaor sit iurem quis nonsed tio od magnim veriusto et iure ming erostio od dio ea feuguer summy nonsequ ismolobore dolortie delisl utat lorperaese magna augait verci tat, secte faccummy num ver sequis ex eugiamc ommodio nsecte ea conse tatio er inci blaore exer sum venisis nullutet,

The War Room is probably a secret meeting place for Trey and all his weird Freemasonic Satanist friends. Everyone knows that “Buildings” (e.g. World Trade Center) are used in many rituals performed by “The Illuminati” and symbolize various esoteric “Numbers.” If you stand next to the Transatlantic Pyramid at 11:11 a.m. on 11/11 and look really closely at the back of an 11 Dollar Bill you will see what I mean. I wouldn’t be too concerned, though.

128


sirmillardmulch (11:20:00 AM): i’m working on a rock opera. DrLacking (11:20:06 AM): I heard. sirmillardmulch (11:20:08 AM): did I tell you I can get Virgil Donati? DrLacking (11:20:30 AM): From Australia? sirmillardmulch (11:20:33 AM): yuh How To Become A Boring Adult I’d like to point out that each of us seems to have this instinct to enter into a crucial identity process / standoff of nesting and settling down with a female once we start getting our shit together in our mid-20’s. We each found a girl and tried to run off with her and escape our previous lives / callings as artsy rejects (whether or not ONE of us has always gotten mad choach). It ends up as the Artist Identity Vs. Girl Tug-Of-War, and I think we all just naturally go through that. We try to prove we can be normal and healthy like everyone else. It’s a process that boils us down to who we are, to see what’s really there and what’s really important. “Yeah, I do this thing, honey... and uh, I need to do it.” At the time that I was with that certain female for 4 years, I really wanted to destroy my desire to make things / be a weirdo and just make her happy / be normal & healthy and it succeeded to a large degree — until it reached a point where it bent back on itself and exploded in a huge mess. That process basically destroyed me and made me have to start all over and figure out who I was. But I think that geeks like us have installed an emergency mechanism to keep us from falling too far into that and DYING, which prepared us (symbiotically?) in high school by not fitting in... we’ve already been socially unsuccessful and made weird cartoons for 20 years: we can then say to life, “Been there, done that, bring it on, bitch — I know how to kick your ass this time around.” Our mission / archetype as creative types goes hand-in-hand with a big psychic sign hanging over our heads that dooms any kind of relationship or distraction that might get in the way. Had we been popular in high school, we wouldn’t have developed these weird abilities. In my own life, something inevitably comes along and destroys any means of escape from “The Path”, and leaves me with nothing but what I was really supposed to do.

129



Plot Outline: Superman agrees to sacrifice his powers to marry Lois, unaware that three Kryptonian criminals he inadvertently released are conquering Earth.

1.) Should I throw my Master over that balcony, ending his reign over the galaxy — and in the process ending my own mechanical, simulated life?

Plot Outline: Peter Parker’s having a rough time. His double life as the superhero Spider-Man is having a devastating impact on his civilian life. Things are so bad he declares that he’s quitting, and never putting on the suit again. However, his sense of duty forces him to become a hero again when the brilliant scientist Dr. Otto Octavius is deformed in an accident and becomes Dr. Octopus. I say that if you can live through this Mid-20’s Quicksand where life truly tries to turn you into a boring adult, you’ve got it made.

2.) Or should I continue to live out my mechanical, simulated life here for what it’s worth and experience that intensely gratifying carnal / Luciferian power coursing through my veins every minute of my life? Absolutely, yes. Not only do we see “it” coming and have “it” coming, WE ARE “IT.” Duh. How can you live an introspective life and not see representations in your own soul of these external horrors? We, as humans, obviously didn’t learn enough from the first Dark Ages. We need to Fall a few more times before we get the hang of this whole “Human Nature” thing, it seems.

The Primacy of Label Consciousness To attack Florida / Orlando for the architectural style / placement of their shops within buildings called Strip Malls is silly. And here you are on the Hyperreal Internet believing you are any better. These are purely cosmetic moral arrows you’re firing. You’re doing your part to fan the flames back on The Forest Moon but the REAL Battle Between Good And Evil is taking place between The Father and Son. No, just kidding. It’s all a Battle in the mind of The Father:

130

131



Jam Band / Eclectic Gypsy Post-Bungle Parody Band De-Forming

AL (to Renee): Do you own a video camera? RENEE: No. Fred hates them. The Detectives both look at Fred. FRED: I like to remember things my own way. AL: What do you mean by that? FRED: How I remember them. Not necessarily the way they happened.

Balding, Fat and Funny multi-instrumental musician in his late thirties forming parody band that will make fun of Eclectic Jam Bands from the post-Mr. Bungle / Flying Frog Brigade era in The Bay Area. Remember all those stupid bands that had violin, shamisen, and accordion players around the turn of the millennium? Now we can bring that back and make some money! It would be so funny to play in little holes in the wall like Questionably Volkish Pub in Berkeley, they hang flags on the wall and sell Bretzelsandwichkirogi’s, you don’t have to be a gypsy, but I would require you have a passion for listening to Polkageist Zeit & Und Deo Killbobskis, two great post-pronk-ska bands from Romania that were big in the 90’s country-eastern video-game music industry in Thailand. Many people can not tell the difference between these two bands, but The Killbobski’s had a female Zieberflautist named Savezni Hidrameteoroloski-Zavod who also had a Master’s Degree from Agrenborg Swedish Kompozitional Techniqal Kollege in Iceland and could play the Ancient Mayan-Underwater Glass Mirror Clarinet of Tibet like there was no tomorrow, man! She ROCKED! Remember the days in Santa Cruz when people thought musicians were superior because they were “Foreign”, as if they were “pure” and “non-commercial”? Didn’t that get old fast? Can you believe you dressed like that? Are you like me? Do you seek out eclectick musick bands to Parody? Did you get laid (off) during the post-Y2K Silicon Valley nightmare of early 2001? There was once a thriving chaos / jazz-gypsy / jam scene in this town between the years of 2000-2005, and we need to commemorate it! We can play cafe’s and quaint house parties, those are coming back and being broadcast on the internet! You don’t even need to know where all these more authentic-ethnic styles of music really came from (all of those countries have since been NUKED when Saddam went into exile), you just have to think it’s funny that we used to think it was so cool and that we took it seriously. We can go back to being low-fi and be all Prole and shit. We can serve those Pig-Leggplant things that are meat protein GMO’ed into the shape, texture, and flavor of vegetables. Now that Ted Kaczynski is out of jail and teaching again at Harvard we can get him to do a monologue during the last song of our set. I know him personally — he helps me with my math homework. I’ve concocted this brand new d20 system that lets you roll up endlessly random genres, instrumentation, nationalities, and languages you’ve never even heard of! We can totally use this system to superimpose every kind of foreign music imaginable. The audience will be dumbfounded! They won’t know WHAT country they’re in! Whoever you are, you must be into Phishism and JAMMING. Jamming, like the way Merzbow and Melvins jammed before the MozART AI successfully duplicated not just their mistakes but their backstage ranting about them in front of a panel of Comp Sci doctorates. Dude, yesterday I bought this cool Modified SeptagAnal-Atonal 73-Fret Ukulele with a 16’ Albanian Roach Clip Bong tied to the side of it with Hemp Rope from a real hippy’s purse on Haight Street from 2009! It’s on wheels, dude, so I am MOBILE. Check it out, we can play on the street for change once they finish re-building the street after that screeching doom-full of cluster-bombed “Nuclear Bus” people took it out during all that Bin-Laden in SF crap! I also undulate a wicked Breakbeat Clarinet tune on my modified Ba-Hooka as an encore. My Imported African Amazon Ding-Dong-Dilly I bought while in a 1970’s Disco Tiki-Bar Coffee shop in 1950’s Town Spain is fibrliated in foil to make a dandy Organik Theremin. Our arsenal is neverending!

132

-From Lost Highway, A David Lynch Film What is the Final Battle? What is the form of the Ultimate Question of our Fate as Humans? What is the Awful Truth we are all searching for? Do you think you really want to be faced with The Real Final Battle Within Your Soul, or would you prefer to whine about McDonalds or Mickey Mouse? Do you think The Final Battle has ANYTHING to do with that narrow band in the architectural spectrum called Strip Malls? In the grand scheme of things, is a “gas-guzzling” SUV really of any more consequence in comparison to a “gas-guzzling” van full of Aspiring Liberal Grrrrrl Rock Stars? Is a Yuppie any different from a Jihadi Extremist when seen from Outer Space? You now have the power to purchase Brand A’s Hot Mush instead of Brand B’s Cold Mush! Anyone wanna get serious and address the Real Issue? Or does our Spiritualistic Philosophizing justify our Blasphemous Lie Against Nature? I can capitalize Certain Words if it Helps. I Want The Apocalypse To Happen Soon And might I add, the very people who purchased Disco Volante and supported the band were the Victims of The Theatre of Cruelty... No, they were not “Simple-Minded Rich Kid Blink 182 Fans” or “Yuppies Who Listen To Bad Music On The Radio.” They were US — the very people who thought they were pushing the envelope by listening to music in 7/8 that contains funny sound effects. Disco Volante would not have grown on such a scale outside of the petri dish of the immediate pop culture reinforcements like Faith No More and Funk Metal. It’s not a beautiful work of art / end in itself, and Warner Brothers would have never released it if it was the starting point. It’s a reference to everything surrounding it, in the way that an object moving 133


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH through space only moves in relation to other objects. 20 Minutes of Noise is just 20 Minutes of Noise unless it’s made by musicians who are capable of playing “Platypus.” Chaos only works effectively in contrast to an Established Order. Standing on stage and taking up time until everyone gets pissed off (and then leaving the stage abruptly with no possible return) is not acceptable unless you’re already a rockstar within that social reality. Mr. Bungle jacked off all over that territory, mercilessly. Anyone else would have just been concerned with maintaining the commercial construct and feeding the crying mouths of the babies in the audience. It’s becoming a matter of principle at this point. 1.) The essence of salesmanship is to make someone buy something that they don’t want. 2.) Money is not an accurate measure of worth. 3.) The more vague the worth of a product or service, the more flexible (higher) price you can place on it. From what I observed, there was no Theatre of Cruelty on the California Tour. It was indeed a well-executed set of recognizable songs and everyone had a great time and went home satisfied. Everything clicked and much merch was probably moved. I appreciate that, but if I really wanted to see that I’d go to a Vanessa Carlton or Sting concert — where every note is polished and immaculate, played by top-notch session musicians, and there are candles, lights, smoke, incense, cool rugs and other “vibe” all over the stage set, where you can enter into a fantasy world experience, relax, and not worry because they just put on a great show that sucked you in for the duration. We understand the hardships and stress that debt can cause. That’s why we are here to offer you a real debt solution – one that will protect your privacy, maintain your dignity, and act on the Nihilistic principles that you expect. It can be the fastest, most effective way for you to solve your debt problem. Fill out your information and we’ll put you in contact with a philosopher that offers not just a service, but the keys to a better life. The main problem here re: Reviews is that musicians rely on outsourcing their public relations department — having people they don’t even know (or aren’t even on the band payroll) write articles about their precious music. Totally inefficient system that needs to be re-worked, guys. Isn’t it obvious by now that this current model is a really bad idea? It’s obviously not hard to write a review — magazines should avoid the hassle of “indierock journalists” and just print up a pre-written one-paragraph blurb from the band’s press-kit, written by the band itself, explaining EXACTLY what the band and album is about. Why even have these uninformed third-party

134

135



HisCheapMoves: The final object Sam sells is a nonreflective mirror. sirmillardmulch: jesus HisCheapMoves: Comes in eight colors. sirmillardmulch: this is beautiful HisCheapMoves: It’s for people so filled with self-loathing, they can’t even look at themselves. HisCheapMoves: Troubled by the fact that your favorite object may be a replica?

“In my teens Nietzche and some of the existentialists had delivered me through some rough things. I did what I thought was the typical early-twenties explosion into full-on mania, since having relocated to San Francisco I found myself surrounded by a few people who really awed me. Turns out I was just lucky. Nobody I knew was into any of this stuff, but it increasingly became my only way of assimilating the cognitive gulf between the rare geniuses I was lucky enough to be exposed to versus the state of the rest of things I saw around me. More and more I found my own conceptual boundaries being smashed, forcibly and painfully sometimes, and other times just blasted apart in semiridiculous rapture episodes. After awhile I developed this sick habit of weaving things together, seeing incredible connections between things etc., you know: schizophrenia, parallelomania. Lucky for me, along with that came this uncanny thing where the “right” things would start falling into my hands just at the right time. What differentiated these things from schizophrenia was that they helped me pull my head out of the giddy fog of experiencing the “miraculous” and see that this was not anything particularly new, or novel. If really weird, undeniable occurrences of “synchronicity” continue to this day, I now know that it’s all in what you train yourself to look for in them (and what to not see in them). Around ‘92 I’d been in this drawnout four-year vortex that had me oscillating between fighting whatever horrendous difficult vision I’d been cursed with, and embracing it. The more I’d fight it, the more miserable I’d be, the more I embraced it, the more nuts I’d go. Finally a third option presented itself & I didn’t have a choice. I suppose art historians call this finding your muse. Fucking sadistic bastard (bastardette?). Could be the best thing that ever happened, or demonic possession, who knows? A Daimon? A “Guardian Angel”? A “Higher Self”? Could be Satan himself. All of the above? Just my friggin’ imagination? Whatever. Back then I was only trying to stay alive. But then the chains of “synchronicities” led me out of the postadolescent dungeon, because I put some real effort into following them up... which of course led me straight into Hermeticism.”

reviewers at all? Who the fuck are they to know what your band is trying to convey? These reviewers almost never contribute anything useful, and how could they? If musicians weren’t expected to be so fucking illiterate and aloof, they could write articles about their own albums that would be more proper and accurate. Don’t Read This Part, Please Skip It, Thanks. a.) A Salesman controls the flow of Money, into his pocket. He can effectively persuade a Customer to make a purchase, even if they were originally inclined not to. Sales, in one form or another, is the lifeblood of any business. The Salesman is the Astral Construct acting on behalf of the hidden Psion behind the scenes. Even if a product or service is mostly useless, a Salesman can create an entirely separate Illusion that the Subject will Buy Into. He sells the “Sizzle” instead of the “Steak.” What he sells is really a Hologram projected upon raw materials. He doesn’t just sell a car, he sells the Illusion that the customer sees in it. In this way, Sales is a very powerful force in The World — for it is not merely involving the Control of Money, but the Control of Perception... and therefore each customer’s Subjective Reality. A True Salesman can go anywhere, and sell anybody anything — his resources are limitless. b.) An Artist also Controls Perception, by taking raw materials and arranging them in a pattern which is then understood by The Viewer. His Art is the Illusion — a painting is merely some paint that was pushed around to represent the form of a beautiful woman, it is not a real woman. The only place that the woman actually exists is in the mind of the viewer. The main goal of the Artist is to portray some alternate Universe or selfish view of his / her Perceived Reality by the process of organizing raw materials, and / or by putting a frame around them, selectively. 136

-Trey Spruance, Musique Machine interview 137



c.) The Magician (in the traditional sense) gathers components and deals with forces and beings in the Spiritual World, in an effort to affect change in the Material World. The Magician (in the popular sense) mesmerizes the audience and tricks them into believing he is manipulating reality in Arcane Ways. Funny — he manipulates people into thinking he is manipulating reality. In a nutshell, all three are a process of being Fake, Not-Real, Shallow, Illusion — Life is a process of Visualizing, Understanding, and Manipulating patterns of energy. Everything is a pattern of energy, whether it be Art, Money, Personalities, Thoughts, Physical Objects — or at least emits a pattern of energy which we can grasp, understand, and then manipulate. This is the thread connecting Sales, Art, and Magic. Marilyn Manson Reveals Trismegistus (Woops!)

The

Three

Horns

of

Hermes

I am sure you have all heard of a rock ‘n’ roller who calls himself Marilyn Manson. I am amazed that such a tremendous dork can get his fingers firmly wrapped around the minds of vulnerable young men and women. I watched an unauthorized biography of him yesterday. I learned three things: 1.) He justifies his evil methods of luring in troubled children by admitting to himself that he is only “playing a character” and working as an “entertainer.” As an intelligent adult, he understands this... 2.) He lures in troubled children by them NOT understanding that he is only “playing a character” and working as an “entertainer.” In absence of parental guidance, these kids are not being educated by Marilyn Manson; he is simply capitalizing on their rebellious angst and paradoxical need to blindly follow a father-figure. 3.) Parents empower him even more by fearing him, and not taking the time to educate their children on the finer points of how marketing is controlling their weak minds; and that they are, in fact, paying money to worship a contrived, fictional character that is projected on top of a clever businessman and actor. You can try this idea at home: I like to paint lines on my carpet at various intervals. I find that it can be very divine and glorious to take 13 steps from 138

139



my toilet to the fridge and then 15 steps back. Also, I have implemented 7 equal divisions several times in between the couch and television. It creates a very awkward dissonance but it is certainly an acquired taste. I consider myself a pioneer in this area and don’t really expect everyone to understand unless they are ready to really break the rules. It gives my apartment a very “Eastern” aura and if you want to break with Tradition, this is the way to go. Lying is a rampant extension, if not the immediate innocent derivative of the basic function of our consciousness. It may appear on the surface that art should be free from the capitalist system of economics, but upon closer inspection I have found that they are both branches the same process.

problem is, you are in an environment where it is a virtue to use your mind to solve problems. Simultaneously, you have someone above you in the chain of command — be it a manager or regional manager or department supervisor or regional vice-president of marketing. Whoever it is, you can count on him or her to make irrational decisions which will cause you to work against your better judgment at their command. You are really not meant to be an employee. You have too much integrity for that. If you showed your true “skills” they’d realize you are more powerful than them, and you are guaranteed to not get hired in that scenario. How do you think my Binah tattoo feels, having to be hidden under my left armpit?

Art that is truly strong can survive under any economic system — and a free market is an obvious climate which will strongly affect the quality and quantity of the art created while existing within that economic universe. However, all economic systems are merely approximations of human behavior. So long as the people who live in these economic frameworks believe in the primacy of the system, they will always employ art for the sake of supporting that system. However, the system I am talking about is psycho-sociological and is much more deeply-rooted than temporary practices within a country that has only been around for a little over 200 years. But the two separate processes of living my life and making my art is getting more and more indistinct.

There are two types of people — leaders and followers. Leaders are few and far between and are paid handsomely for exercising their critical thinking faculties. The rest are followers and are expected to just do what the leader says. Realize that you need to suppress your ability to think for yourself — that would be a threat to the leader and direction of the company. There is only room for one at the top of the pyramid — if you want to use your independent mind, why bother working for someone else? Why work towards someone else’s goals and dreams? Besides, a repressed leader makes for a TERRIBLE employee... they are no good at adhering to silly rules and regulations that the rest of the cog-like drones have no problem with. This is why I hate people who dress up for Halloween.

DISCLAIMER: Any statements within this publication that express or involve discussions with respect to predictions, expectations, beliefs, plans, projections, objectives, goals, assumptions or future events or performance are not statements of historical fact and may be “Forward Looking Statements.” Forward Looking Statements are based on expectations, estimates and projections at the time the statements are made that involve a number of risks and uncertainties which could cause actual results or events to differ materially from those presently anticipated. Forward Looking Statements in this action may be identified through the use of words such as “projects”, “foresee”, “expects”, “will,” “anticipates,” “estimates,” “believes,” “understands” or that by statements indicating certain actions “may,” “could,” or “might” occur. Notice that none of the words above are printed anywhere in this text.

It is very possible, during a D&D game, to get very passionate and attached and emotional about it... to release the superstitious suspension of disbelief, and apply that suspension to everyday life. This is an intertwining of the two worlds. However, the immortal capacity for the thirst of pleasure is never quenched by the neverending soda stream flowing from the limitless corporate tap. Our desire is to bottle that limitless quality for carnal desire which glorifies our true abstract nature; it is our higher nature that so desires that his infinite addiction to be served. Soda may rot the body but it replenishes the spirit on a transcendent level. The resulting overdose is crossing over the border and finally dying from our lack of ability to contain the infinite amount we drink. For Example:

Two Scenarios: Designing For A Hard-Sell

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

In a Good, Healthy Corporate Job, you will be required to use your mind and solve problems — it’s all about taking responsibility for expensive shit. For example, if you hit a wrong key, the company may lose $3000. Then again, if you hit the key next to it, they might lose only $2500. The

Making slow progress on writing material for the album. I have roughly 50 song ideas, and they are still churning in my mind, driving me insane here and there. I try to talk about the ideas with people but they are mostly not interested in hearing them. So I am stuck just exploring this stuff myself, which is the way it is supposed to be. I am extremely lucky to be able to devote so much time to this “project.” I wanted to have the whole thing done by next week but there is no way in hell. It just keeps snowballing.

140

141



The Final Chapter - On The Front Lines of The Apocalypse OF COURSE, The World Is Ending! Everyone knows that. But not everyone knows why. Here are some of the common scapegoats: technology, biological weaponry, cloning, pollution, overpopulation, disease, global warming, SUVs, cellphones, the military-industrial complex, terrorism, television, corporate corruption, slave labor, fast food, advertising, drugs, doctors, handguns, racism, sexism, religion, and of course, Satan Himself. Yet these are merely the secondary results of our unbridled hopes, dreams, and fantasies. The Truth is nothing but a Fairy Tale that we are taught to abandon once we reach a “mature” age. But the human race has not yet faced The Really Dark Ages, where the best within us bends back upon itself and snaps us in half. It is not our lower nature that is the greatest threat to the human race. It is our higher nature; it is our Imagination. The Imagination is NOT a romantic fairy-tale in which we “Name The ChildLike Empress” — it is a Holographic Inferno in which we are the Demons and Devils, buying and selling the souls of our neighbors, friends, and family with Social Metaphysical Currency and Credit — tempting each other like the Succubus and Incubus with all manner of pleasure. For the boundless nature of our consciousness is desperately seeking fulfillment by sex, drugs, music, television, role-playing games, overeating, and the absurd acquisition of material possessions that serve no purpose. My brethren! We were not created to be imprisoned in these bags of meat and juice! Every sip of poisonous and non-nutritious beverage that passes our lips, whether it be soda or beer, brings us closer to a sublime state of eternal paradise — for we drink it with our souls, not our throats. To hell with the consequences to our mundane bodies, we require infinite spiritual refreshment for our immortal consciousness! Who invented these infernal liquids? Why can we not exist without them? Is there a single Tool by which this lie has been propagated? For Example: Saturday, July 17, 2004 Is it worth the fight? Or would I be smart to just cut my losses and go away? One of the greatest composers I have met lives in the middle of a cotton field and works in a library. Is my destiny different from his? Why do I feel compelled to move into the center of pop culture civilization and wage war? I don’t feel I am mature enough yet to understand the answer fully.

142

143

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! “You have to go through the process of dismantling a whole reality so you can hear and see clearly. Do you want to dismantle your entire reality and be the one who represents that dismantling to the whole of your tribe? You need to understand that THAT is where you live. You need to recognize that when you walk in someplace and you are in motion (psychically or archetypically) what you carry between your two ears is the power to dismantle other people’s worlds... and that you could, every single time you have an influence or a perception like that — you’re sitting there with an ability to dismantle your OWN life. It’s overwhelming... there’s a reason why you repress [it.]” -Carolyn Myss Salesmanship is this Quintessential (meaning Five, as in the Five Points of the Baphomet Goat Head) Tool of the inevitable and built-in Systemic Thesis/Anti-Thesis Device which tests the machinery of the Human Race to its own Apocalyptic Destruction. The cultural stereotype of a well-dressed man trying to sell you a used car or vacuum cleaner has done a bang-up job of numerically concealing the True Number of The Beast. The Beast is right here, my friend. (Points to forehead.) We will continue to sacrifice the real to the artificial. We will continue to live in our dreams instead of reality. We will pray. We will eat donuts. To reach the next stage / level of evolution of human consciousness, we have no choice but the face the ultimate consequences of our virtual immortality. It turns out that Madonna...er, Esther is right. As you can see, Modern Consumerism, a path of destruction of our current form, is the quickest path to ever-advancing Enlightenment. There is nothing more I can share with you. Ha-ha, sucker. Pandora brought the box with the evils and opened it. It was the gods’ gift to man, on the outside a beautiful, enticing gift, called the “box of good fortune.” Then all the evils, those lively, winged beings, flew out of it. Since that time, they roam around and do harm to men by day and night. One single evil had not yet slipped out of the box. As Zeus had wished, Pandora slammed the top down and it remained inside. So now man has the box of good fortune in his house forever and thinks the world of the treasure. It is at his service; he reaches for it when he fancies it. For he does not know that the box which Pandora brought was the box of evils, and he takes the remaining evil for the greatest worldly good—it is hope, for Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man’s torment. -Nietzsche (Human, All Too Human) 144


“This is my goodbye. Society is my illness and I have found a cure: leaving society altogether. Do as you will, humans, but I am not one of you. I will not play your game. I reject your lies for I cannot swallow such tainted fruit. I shall disrobe my societal garments and let my Nature breathe. My skin shall no longer be hidden behind your alterations. I wish the best for all of life, you will soon see the error of your ways. For that is why they occur. I am simply one of you who saw the errors and decided to stop taking part in your imaginary world. I am free.” -Jon Specht

145


HOW TO MAKE AN ALBUM ON MIMICRY RECORDS™

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH STEP ONE: MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA Make sure you move there with a member of the opposite sex who is completely unsupportive of your projects and ideas, and fails to recognize that you are about to get a record deal. Don’t be surprised when she decides it would be best to sell all your recording gear (that you will use to make your album) so that you can pay the rent and live in a gloomy, filthy city full of drug addicts. STEP TWO: CONTACT TREY SPRUANCE “Hello. This is Sir Millard Mulch. I live in San Francisco now,” will suffice. Trey will drive over and pick you up and buy you dinner. STEP THREE: WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT ESTRADASPHERE Make it 9,000 words long. Post it everywhere you can think of. Endanger your friendship with Trey, who has signed Estradasphere on his label. STEP FOUR: WAIT SIX MONTHS Spend your time working at Guitar Center, The Gap Corporate HQ as an illustrator (even if you don’t know how to draw), eating ramen, playing D&D, hanging out at Masonic Lodges, and sitting in your room while your girlfriend works minimum wage jobs and lives off credit cards. Explain to her that working for $6.50 / hour in San Francisco is the equivalent of working for $3.25 an hour in Florida. This will not make her resent you any less, even though you just invested 3 years in her mental problems and never got laid. Get evicted by your other roommates for being too normal, and move into a place where your rent is now doubled. Wander around The Marina and hope to meet George Lucas. Cry. STEP FIVE: RECORD A MOCK ESTRADASPHERE SONG Trick Trey into coming into your apartment at 3 a.m. while your girlfriend is sleeping. Play him your version of Hardball, by Estradasphere. His eyes will get wide, his jaw will drop, and he will hit the floor laughing and be unable to breathe. He will then love you and offer you a record deal on Mimicry Records on the spot. STEP SIX: MOVE BACK TO FLORIDA, WAIT 2 YEARS Spend the next 2 years trying to get Trey to give you details on said recorddeal. Get a job as a salesman, then have a nervous breakdown. Lose your fuckin’ mind. Almost finish the album multiple times and send him CDRs and artwork. Keep adding famous musicians. Sit around with your thumbs up your ass, playing video games and cruising Myspace until 7 a.m.. Fly to San Francisco with the final mixes and have Trey pick you up at the airport. Have him drop you off in a shack in the mountains for a week. End up in the hospital for trying to pull your uvula out, since it has polymorphed into a huge infected worm that is trying to strangle you. Return to Florida and attempt to contact Trey for 6 months with no response to your questions. STEP SEVEN: RESORT TO BRIBERY Bribe a mutual friend to go to Trey’s house and have him OK the artwork.

Trey Spruance, Devin Townsend, and Me - October 2004.

STEP EIGHT: PUT THE ALBUM OUT YOURSELF Now that you have their logo, barcode, and permission, why do you need them? Do whatever the hell you want! No one will notice. Publish a book, too. Sell the shit out of it. Take control of your own destiny. Start your own Mimicry Records website. Fuck it, dude! This is your big break! Cash in!

146

147

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! THE RECORDING OF THE ALBUM Recording for this album took place in three different apartments and began in May 2002 in Sarasota, Florida. I was living in a nice two bedroom at the time with my girlfriend who did NOT approve of what I was doing. (Let me make that very clear, OK?) She basically wanted me to provide for her; big mistake for both of us to attempt to sustain. We ended up winning $10k in a church raffle, which came out to $3000 each after taxes. I was working on salary for the advertising agency at the time, so I was bringing home $516.04 a week — so $3000 wasn’t a huge amount of money at the time, but it was a nice little bonus. I was already spending $2000 a month on bills and debt. I went out and spent $1500 on a Roland TD-10 V-Drum module to provide all the drum sounds the way I liked them. I figured, “Fuck it, I am spending this spike of funds on something productive and creative instead of stupid shit like bills.” I then went and picked up a $300 DigiTech GNX-2 guitar processor which gave me all the guitar effects. I picked up a pack of ddrum triggers as well (about $100, I think) and a pair of MXL Some studio in Jamaica where we did a remix of some song for a car 1006BP condenser commercial. $20,000 later we decided mics ($100 each). to get back to our punk roots. Coincidentally, the guitar I used for this whole album was a SCM-something-orother Charvel I got for $100 in 1995. The intonation is awful on it. I mean, REALLY awful. The strings are so high off the incredibly warped neck that I have to tune it differently based on how far down the neck I am playing. What appears to be the truss rod ceased all functioning long ago. The knobs crackle and I have to wiggle the input to get it to work. If anyone serious tried 148


Tracking vocal overdubs on a rooftop near Castlebar, Ireland, early 2001.

to play this thing they’d be horrified that I made a four-hour album with it. It does have a couple humbuckers in it, at least. All the tones were direct out of the GNX-2 into my shitty 8-channel Vestax mixing board, and out of that into the back of my 16-bit, 8th-inch stereo input on the back of my Mac Dual-450 G4 (running Cubase 5.0 on OS 9). Radio Shack adapters galore! The bass I played was my same-old 6-String Ibanez that I bought in 1999 with money from working at Barnes & Noble. Almost all of the bass tones were just direct out of the bass, with no amp or pre-amp or any of that crap. I also used some percussion shakers (Eggs) and some really shitty toy cymbals I got for free because Troll Music was throwing them out. I got about ten songs or so recorded before... We moved to San Francisco in September, 2002. I set up my stuff in this really hip little curved room on the front of a Victorian house in HaightAshbury. $300 a month. I had a GREAT view of The Golden Gate Bridge and the Sutro Tower. It was really a cool room to work in, with the exception of two features: 1.) too much natural reverb and 2.) a roommate hereinafter referred to as, “Buffy, The Album Slayer!” Buffy was covered in tattoos and HATED me. Mainly because I was a heterosexual male and fixed things around the house, but also because I had a lot of technology and bought Tide laundry detergent. Shortly after moving in, I was made aware that Steve Vai wanted to hear the CD I was working on. A fan / friend of mine, Anthony Garone had landed a job as an Intern, working in Vai’s home studio in Los Angeles. He told me to finish one disc full of material and send it over to him. So I decided I wasn’t going to get a job, and was 149

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! going to focus on making a CD full of stuff for Vai to listen to. It was like a dream-come-true. The guy has been my favorite musician forever, and if I was given an opportunity for him to hear my music, nothing was going to get in my way. I spent a month in that room recording every single day, for hours and hours. I lived on Ramen and boxes of Macaroni & Cheese (and kidney beans!) that Dale shipped to me. (I love you, Dale!) When the day came that I finished a full CD of stuff (about 30 songs by that point), I took it to Fed-Ex and took my girlfriend out to celebrate and eat a hamburger. (God forbid!) I was then informed of the following fact: “[I] think [I] am the next Mr. Bungle or Devin Townsend, but [I’m] not. If [I] were, it would be acceptable and [my girlfriend] would be supportive of what [I] am doing.” She actually wanted to break up with me over it. I calmed her down and told her I would be famous when I got it done. Anyway, Vai got the CD and loved it. I heard that he was laughing his ass off at the whole thing, leaning back in his chair and hitting himself in the head. He wrote back some very encouraging and educational things and said that he wanted to purchase a D.E.M.I. (a fake invention that Chewbode and I came up with and tried to sell at the 2000 New York Music & Internet Expo). It was around that time that I made friends with Trey. (Trey absolutely saved me from losing my mind out there. He was like a big brother showing me the ropes. I don’t know what I would have done without him. Our 8-hour dinner dates and drivingaround-in-circles sessions were invaluable in getting a perspective on The Way Things Work.) After a few months, Buffy The Album Slayer decided to manipulate our other roommates into evicting me and my girlfriend. So...

Lots of knobs are necessary to make an album. We also try to capture the sound from as many angles as possible to avoid phase-cancellation during post-mixing. SM-57s work best for this.

150


Makeshift songwriting studio that I was able to set up during my spiritual retreat in Boa Vista, Brazil, summer 2004.

We moved way the hell out on the other side of town, to Outer Sunset, about 7 blocks from Ocean Beach. $1200 rent for a one-bedroom. OUCH. I had to set up my gear in the “living room,” which earned me lots of extra Resentment Points from the girlfriend. (She really hated my fucking guts by this point.) Every five minutes the N Judah rumbled right past our front door. I got a couple songs recorded there, including, “The Monkey Steals The Peaches,” and I can’t remember what else. I was working at The Gap Corporate Headquarters and making $18 an hour doing Illustration (yet did not know how to draw), and only worked between 1 and 3 weeks a month. The girlfriend was working several minimum-wage jobs and living on credit cards. Me, I focused on getting my shit written and recorded for this album. Otherwise, why stay alive? THE ALBUM MUST BE COMPLETED! It was on my mind constantly. Obsessively. I was freaking out over Hermeticism 101 and incorporating all of that into it. I was playing D&D once a week and hanging out at a Masonic Lodge, and besides that, I did absolutely nothing but sit in front of the computer and “research” the album all day. (And talk on AIM, of course.) My girlfriend decided she wanted to go out and have “FUN,” which was something I had no interest in. She met a guy and stated, “I’ve finally met someone as screwed up as me, and I shouldn’t have to care how you feel about it.”

151



At the time, I was working at Guitar Center for minimum wage (I decided to get a reliable, steady job instead of the contract work, which was too flaky), which was not even enough to pay the bills anyway. I figured I could use the employee discount to buy some stuff, and maybe meet someone famous. I decided as an inside joke to wear my fake yuppie glasses the entire time I worked there. No one ever noticed, and I thought it was hilarious. I was working with a bunch of “cool” musician snobs in the Accessories Department who would to play Metallica guitar solos in between tricking customers into buying used gear labeled as “New.” I didn’t fit in with them AT ALL. They called me, “Chauncey.” I was incredibly uncool. They were macho guitarist pricks with serious ego problems. If they asked me about my involvement with music, I’d shrug and say I play a few different instruments. One night while closing I was assigned to clean the toilet, above which hung a very large poster of Steve Vai’s Passion & Warfare, my favorite album. I thought, “That guy is a fan of my music, but no one here has any idea.” You can bet I scrubbed that toilet spotless. Coincidentally, Trey was picking me up from work that night, and it was funny to me how I was living this Clark Kent existence, fake glasses and all. Trey looked like (and still usually looks like) a homeless, dirty psycho terrorist a with wacky mustache and beard. As I straightened the guitar straps on the walls, he walked up to the window, made threatening faces, and talked about going and getting his gun and killing everyone. It was as if I was doing all this cool shit when I wasn’t at work, but I wasn’t cool enough to be taken seriously on a basic level by any of my co-workers. They had no idea I was making this huge album in my spare time. Really, I’d wake up every day in this dusty, fog-filled neighborhood, put on these lame polo shirts, and ride the N Judah down to The Mission. I’d get out of the subway smelling this awful, powdered / rotting flesh smell, and pass stains of smeared bodily fluids on everything in sight. I couldn’t handle it. Most everyone I saw during my waking hours was either 1.) completely fucking INSANE and HOMELESS or 2.) Guitar Center Employees. I freaked out and quit the job.

whole routine of social-metaphysically fucking with other people’s minds. One night at work I got this bad headache from learning too many things all at once. I started feeling really pale / spaced-out and my boss told me to go home and get some sleep. I remember getting home and laying down on my bed. I felt this sharp pain in my head and blacked out. The next thing I knew it was morning, and I was still wearing my tie and dress clothes. All the pain was gone. Phew! I felt somehow different. I went in to work and sat there staring at my desk and phone until lunch time. I found that I could not eat lunch. So I told the secretary that I was going home. I don’t remember what I did that day, but it probably wasn’t pleasant. The next day, I found, once again, I could not do my job. I panicked and told the secretary I was going to seek psychological help. I got in my van and started driving home, and found that I was having a spontaneous and loud conversation with myself, question-and-answer Fight Club style. I did not return to work the next day.

I was faced with the choice: 1.) Sell all my recording gear to pay for rent in a new apartment or 2.) Move back to Florida.

I hung out in my apartment for a month just talking to myself and staring at candles. I lived off $1000 I saved from the sales job. I read a few books on Alchemy and evil-meditating a lot for 6 months. Played with Tarot Cards a lot. From the outside, it may have looked like I was possessed by a demon. I felt very disconnected from myself; even my senses were dulled and I was not sure what to make of it. In some ways, I felt completely liberated from Ian Strong records street-percussion overdubs for Hemisphere III : Hermes! at my life up until that point. In Garlic Breath Studios, SF other ways, I felt like I had lost my mind. Both were true. Dale was worried and gave me a number to call. He said it was this guy that could help me. It turned out to be the psychiatric ward of Sarasota Memorial Hospital, and the guy tried to hard-sell me on signing myself up for “treatment.” I blew him off.

Yep! My girlfriend and I broke up and I high-tailed it back to The Sunshine State. I moved into a studio apartment behind my mom’s house. I spent 3 months going to the YMCA, beach, renting movies, playing video games, and most importantly, being able to eat something besides Ramen. I got a job as a telephone salesman at the same advertising agency in Sarasota (NOT a telemarketer... This stuff was much more creepy than that!) and had the worst nervous breakdown of my life. I was getting really into the 152

I don’t know exactly how, but I began working on the album again. Around that time, I decided to get Virgil Donati, Nick D’Virgilio, and Morgan Agren all on one monster song, which ended 153


An assortment of guitars were sent over, courtesy of Guitar Center. These were the three I ended up using the most. After the recording I ended up donating them all to the Hard Rock Cafe in Memphis, TN.

up being called, “Hemisphere III : Hermes.” It was to be a tribute to / mockery of Rush’s Hemispheres. I had to boldly e-mail Virgil THREE times before getting ANY response. I was terrified of pissing him off, but I learned at my Phone Sales job that “Salesmanship begins at NO,” and I hadn’t even gotten THAT far. He finally replied and told me he would call me. I was at work when I got the call on my cellphone, and went outside to talk with him. He would be doing a clinic in Tampa in April, so I suggested we just record his tracks at a local studio at that time. He said, “What about the drum set?” Apparently the stores he performs at provide him with everything he needs, and he just shows up and plays. He then suggested that he could just record the tracks in a studio in Los Angeles and send them to me. At the same time, I was approaching Nick D’Virgilio and Morgan Agren to complete the holy trinity. I originally wanted to cut seamlessly between sections of the 3 drummers all playing to similar riffs and make it one big integrated song. The final product ended up being less integrated than I wanted, but it was still all built on the same concepts, so it worked OK. When all of the recording was finished (e.g. when I decided to make myself stop), I ended up with 165 mixed and mastered (in T-Racks) tracks / songs to pick from. As a total tally approximation, I had about 200 unique ideas to flesh out into songs. MANY songs did not make the final cut, and I only used 64 of them for this release. That leaves another 101 finished and ready to use. One of them, in particular, was left off the pressing of the 154

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH album at the request of Trey. I really had to force myself to stop working on this thing and get it released. THE WRITING OF THE BOOK As the album recording came to what seemed to be a close, I got this terrible anxiety that I had not fully expressed the album concept within the content of the music itself. I got yet another flash of inspiration and decided to write this accompanying book before I finished the recording of the music. I had the feeling I would come up with new song ideas if I could delve into concretizing the album concept through written word. I spent 3 months solid writing the philosophical portion of this book, all day every day. I took an exorbitant amount of time off work, often working only 3-4 hours a week to do the bare minimum. The rest of my time was spent going insane and compiling 200 pages of philosophical noodlings in the form of a mock motivational product. Around that time, I decided to change the title of the entire project, from “How To Become The World’s Greatest Salesman!” to “How To Sell The Whole F#@!ing Universe To Everybody... Once And For All!” I had two reasons for this: 1.) The new title had sharper teeth. 2.) The new title better expressed the idea of Social Metaphysics (negotiating a Subjective Reality between an individual and society.) 3.) There are already numerous books titled, “The World’s Greatest

Hanging out on the Good Charlotte tour bus with drummer, Robin Eckman. (NOTE: I am eating cantaloupe, not smoking a joint!) I was asked to leave shortly after this photo was taken, after hitting on actress, Kelly Hu.

155

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Salesman!” and they all appear to be new age bullshit, though I have never read them. I wanted to crank it up a notch. When my book is in Barnes & Noble next to the others, I want theirs to look like weak imitations. THE ARTWORK I came up with the idea for the artwork and color scheme from this corporate clipart company called, Rubberball. At work, I would get tons of catalogs in the mail from them every month. I’d flip through them and see these slick stock photos of lame Chewbode: Vocals. corporate people trying to make their lame-ass existence look zany and fun. The color scheme was very important to me. I wanted everything strictly Red, Black, White. (I even went so far as to modify the Mimicry logo to make it fit the scheme, even redoing the font as Futura). I did the first mock-up of the cover art in Photoshop while I was at work one day, using the Impact font (Futura was not installed on the PC at work). In the end, all of the layouts were done in Illustrator. Chewbode rendered several 3D models in Lightwave. The back panel of the O-sleeve of the double-disc case is directly mocking the Book-On-CD version of, “Good To Great,” by Jim Collins. If you put them next to each other you will see. Mine is superior, though, of course.

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH I met Virgil in Tampa at one of his clinics to do the deal, and I brought along a friend of mine, Dan Kristoff. Dan is a really protective, macho guy who is into explosives and weapons — kind of a militia dude; he’s into the extreme skydiving and he’s a total riot to hang around. He’s a great storyteller and an adrenaline junkie. Somehow he got all worked up and hot-headed at the clinic and had this idea in his mind that he was gonna have a talk with Virgil about doing a good job on the recording. I had to pull Dan aside and beg him to please not start anything. He had already begun raising his voice within earshot of Virgil, and I didn’t know how easy-going Virgil was. Luckily Dan cooled down and everything went smoothly. You can hear Dan as “The Executive Producer” at the end of Hemisphere III : Hermes, really just being the hard-ass that he is. He came into my place with a huge shotgun and was very “enthusiastic.” At the end of the recording he just walked out and slammed my door without saying bye. That’s Dan for you. It turns out Virgil has a great sense of humor. He was totally supportive of me running the silly ad of him in the August 2005 issue of DRUM! Nils Frykdahl (Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, Idiot Flesh) I first met Nils after a Sleepytime Gorilla Museum show. I was really impressed with his voice and wanted him to do some voice-overs. He was totally up for it. I sent him a script and he sent me a cassette. I also asked him if he works out, and he said he used to do ballet. I don’t know how that guy gets such big muscles without working out.

MY SUPER-STAR HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT How the hell did I meet all these people and get them to be on my album? Allow me to explain... Virgil Donati (Steve Vai, Planet X) The first time I saw Virgil perform was at some sort of huge drum festival in Tampa, Florida ca. 1997. When I got hooked up with Steve Vai’s Favored Nations / Pro-Found Music around 2002 or so, Virgil was drumming for Steve at the time. I approached Virgil with my album concept, and he told me to keep him in the loop when the time came to record. We chatted very briefly at one of his clinics in Berkeley or something. I finally put together a really strong demo sampler of ideas from the album and presented it to him, and so we moved forward. 156

Recording a very complex Afro-Latino pattern in the 8/17 time signature, during an extended jam over my Mars Volta cover. Sadly, did not make the final cut.

157


One disc left to fill!

Nick D’Virgilio (Tears For Fears, Mike Keneally Band) I met Nick through Dave Meros. I first saw Nick play at Dragon*Con 2001. Spock’s Beard kicked my ass so bad that I couldn’t even watch their show. I walked out after just a few songs, shaking my head and asking, “When is my music going to sound that good?” The next time I saw Nick play was with Mike Keneally at Great American Music Hall. I was sitting up on the second floor watching one of the opening bands, and towards the end of their set this slick looking guy in a leather trench coat stood up from one of the seats in front of me. It was Nick! I had brought along a couple of CDRs to give to him, so I hung around waiting for the right moment. When the opening band finished their set, he walked up to his drum kit and opened up some sheet music and looked at it for a minute or two. (!) He put it away and came back off the stage and I made my attack. I told him I was a friend of Dave’s and gave him the CDR’s and told him a bit about the project.

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH they were pretty good. I had no idea at the time that they were so incredible. I was originally supposed to open for them at Dragon*Con but some bizarre scheduling thing happened. Just by total serendipity, we have become pretty good friends, and my De-Evolution of Yasmine Bleeth EP became one of his favorite albums. I remember one particular time when he was doing a show in Florida, and he and Chewbode and I hung out and drank beers for hours as Starship rocked out, right outside the window of the tour bus. Talking to him that night was a huge educational experience for me, hearing all his stories of moving to Los Angeles and all of his business details. He is a monster bassist and I regret it not being very feasible to have him play on the album this time around, but I definitely wanted him involved... so I wrote a story for him to tell. The track he is on totally parallels what our conversations are like. He is a real straight-shooter, and has hilarious downto-earth opinions about things. Chris Parsons (Estradasphere) I was really in a pinch one night, trying to finish the album and I saw that Chris was on-line. So I IM’d him and asked him if he could quickly turnaround some vocal bits. I barely even know the guy but he agreed to do it and now I can have the name Estradasphere on my album. He’s just their old soundman. Devin Townsend (Strapping Young Lad) I originally started up a correspondence with Devin and his wife, Tracy back around 1995. Seeing him destroying the Vai show in St. Petersburg, FL in 1993 changed my life. Devin has been super supportive of my endeavors and has complimented me to no end, and we always end up talking about working together. He had asked me to be on Infinity but that ended up not working, and I ended up just having him contribute some talking to my De-Evolution of Yasmine Bleeth EP. He sent me a cassette and I put a cello solo by Dank Gurbaine behind it. He e-mailed me in 2003 to ask

His playing that night was beyond what I had ever seen him play. He is primarily a groove-oriented guy and not much of a show-off, but that went out the window that night. When the time came, we just talked a bit through e-mail and he sent me his tracks on a DVDR. The funny thing is that I ended up really liking the raw, jamming, Nomeansno-sound of the rough mp3 he sent me and used that instead. Dave Meros (Spock’s Beard) Dave has been really great to me throughout the years. I found him standing around backstage at Dragon*Con and dragged him over to the Sir Millard Mulch booth and unloaded tons of merch on him. I wasn’t even a fan of Spock’s Beard yet, but had heard a few samples of their music and thought 158

Morgan’s ADAT track listings.

159

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! me if I wanted to open for some Devin Townsend Band dates in the United States. I basically said, “you name the time and place,” and never heard back. A couple months later I made a silly comment on my site about being “Unofficially Uninvited From Devin Townsend Band Tour,” and Tracy went apeshit and cussed me out in an e-mail. Since then, I haven’t been able to get ahold of either one of them. It’s really silly. Morgan Agren (Zappa’s Universe, Dweezil Zappa, Mats / Morgan) Oh, dear. What can I say about this? The first time I heard Morgan’s playing, I was sitting in my bedroom in the middle of the night reviewing lame metal CDs from Relapse. In the pile was Fredrik Thordendal’s Special Defects, which scared the shit out of me. I absolutely had to know who the fuck kind of people could make something like that, so looked them up. I fired off an e-mail to Morgan, telling him I absolutely had to find out more about his music, and he sent me a pile of Mats / Morgan CDs, and elements of our music was so similar I knew I had to work with him. Morgan is such a sweet guy, and such a drum maniac. He had been really trying to schedule some Swedish studio time to record the tracks for me, and the window of opportunity was missed. I just had to get the album out and the timing was just not lining up (no pun intended!). I ended up going back and using a whole bunch of little clips he did for me in 2001, which worked perfectly. Larry Boothroyd (Victims Family, Hellworms, Saturn’s Flea Collar) Victims Family was my first concert ca. 1991. After seeing them play I thought maybe Larry would be the most receptive to listening to my band’s demo cassette, so I mailed him one at Alternative Tentacles and he wrote back. Let me just say Larry is a very unique hurricane of a bassist and ridiculously loud. He let me play through his gear at a VF practice and it was unreal. I stood in front of his amp and played one note on his longhorn bass. The tone was so thick I could levitate in it; my entire body felt like it was a gyroscope. I have never played through something that powerful in my entire life. Eventually Larry let me rent a room in his house in Haight Ashbury. What an adventure. Mark Critchley (itch, Nomeansno) I met Mark through Brad Murray. Brad was always playing me itch albums after band practice, and Mark started coming down to Sarasota every year to visit his parents. Mark is a very peculiar guy, a real thinker. His music is disjoined, spastic, and beautiful. He agreed to take part in the album and contribute some vocals. We had a really great dinner conversation when he was down here last time, and I told him all about the album, and he really understood it. 160


Chad preparing for a long night of sample-trimming and tape-baking. In background: Lincoln Log structure assembled by ex-girlfriend.

Robin Eckman (Good Charlotte) Robin responded to an ad I put on Craigslist in 2002, looking for a drummer in San Francisco. I really wanted to get a band together with him but things blew up and I moved back to Florida. He ended up doing a world tour with Good Charlotte a while after that. Paul Mazurkiewicz (Cannibal Corpse) I went to a Cannibal Corpse show in high school and walked up to some guys who looked like musicians. I mainly thought they’d be musicians because they had their arms crossed and were wearing Converse. I pulled out a demo tape and gave it to one of the guys and a few months later I started getting crazy letters from Paul Mazurkiewicz, going on and on about this demo tape I gave him. I didn’t even know anything about Cannibal Corpse at the time other than that they were a huge death metal band, and I thought that was pretty interesting. We started trading tapes back and forth and he turned out to be a cool dude. I went and looked him up again when making the album and he was down with contributing some stuff. Lale Larson (Shawn Lane, Electrocution 250) I first heard Lale’s playing on this insane, “Guitar Over The Edge” CD at Troll Music ca. 1995. I had no idea who he was, but about ten years later, I went back and found the CD again and looked him up, and now he is on my album. I have big plans for Lale. 161


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH THE SONGS AND LYRICS AND STUFF DISC 1 Dr. Whilton Popple’s Personal Slave II (Words - HisCheapMoves, Mulch; Music - Mulch) This is the first song I started working on for the album, in May 2002, and the last one to get finished in October 2004. It was originally called, “Anthony Robbins Personal Slave II.” It was a mockery of “Anthony Robbins Personal Power II,” which was one of his massive 30-disc collections I had. I was going to try and get permission from him but everyone convinced me not to bother and to just redo the voices and character. Really bummed me out, but I found I was pretty happy with the name change. Why not invent your own motivational speaker? Anyway, the first verse of vocals are incredibly bad. I recorded them the night I flew to San Francisco to deliver the master CDs to Mimicry. I stayed up all night trying to get them right, but to no avail. I had an awful cold, and ended up in the emergency room in a hospital in San Francisco a week later, trying to pull out my uvula. Coincidentally, as I am typing this up, I am sick as hell again. This story of this song is basically asking the question, “What the hell do these motivational people DO, other than write motivational books?” The snare drum is doubled — a real and a fake snare track, as is the hi-hat. That Clock sound at the very end is from an old family heirloom passed down to me by my dad. Through most of my childhood I heard that thing winding and dinging every hour. My dad faithfully wound it every day. This is basically a song about a girl who answers a classified ad for a personal assistant. When she gets the job, her boss turns out to be an android version of motivational speaker, Anthony Robbins. She begins to go mad as springs and clockwork pop out of his back. It utilizes the I-V-VI-IV progression which qualifies it for heavy rotation. It has some interesting quintuplets at the very end, and some strange syncopation.

My contract with Scott Stapp.

162

Do you wake up every morning and crave / a life where no one tells you how to behave / and does it take all your willpower just to shave? Or are you Dr. Whilton Popple’s Personal Slave? / His maniacal grin will give you chills / as you loofa his back and scrub his haircut that kills / and he will make you pay all his frickin’ bills / as you chrome the toilet and the window sills / I bought his set of CDs off my sister’s internet / but I haven’t had the time off work to listen to all eighty yet / I hate my job, I hate my life, my boss is such a jerk / but I remember what he said above the din of the clockwork / Never ever have I had a teacher such as he / but now I’m spending all day cleaning up his poop and pee / he doesn’t do a thing all day but lecture me and smile / but he gives me the confidence I need to go the extra mile. 163


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH band members, I stole the music. The guitar solo in the middle was actually imported from the original song. I always ask people if this sounds like Weezer and they just shrug. The beginning of the original audio export from Cubase clipped the first note, so I had to smash it up against the previous track with no crossfade. Every line in the first verse rhymes with SUCK and every line in the second verse rhymes with DICK, so this song should be a favorite among the growing population of homosexual men who purchase my albums. He lit from town to make a buck, try his luck, show some pluck / But soon he found himself quite stuck, jammed in muck, with no tow truck / The ladies they would preen and cluck, call him Chuck, his shirt they’d tuck / But in the end although he snuck, he couldn’t duck the flying puck / He felt unwanted, useless, sick, a lonesome tick on a bone-dry brick / And though to principles he’d stick, he couldn’t lick feeling the hick / When his ideas others nicked, he felt a prick, too painful, quick / So with a careful balanced flick, he did his trick and started / Brian Tracy Caesar Salad x8 / With all the achievements we’ve named in this ballad / You’d think that he’d make us a real tasty salad / But alas he took a few moments of leisure / And gave my employees a real nasty seizure...

Will Mayer records an improv comedy sketch about Mike Patton. Track removed from album per request of label C.E.O., Mr. Trey Spruance.

Fanastic! Vocals: Nils Frykdahl This is Nils reading some random spam I sent him, mixed in with the writings of Ted Kaczynski. The music is stock licensed commercial music. What really surprised both Nils and I was that I had no idea he was working on a piece called, “FC - The Freedom Club,” for the new Sleepytime Gorilla Museum album. I went to see them play in Orlando and he dedicated the performance of the song to me. I felt so cool. Brian Tracy Caesar Salad (Words - HisCheapMoves & Mulch; Music - Mulch) Drum Solo: Morgan Agren In the first verse, every line ends in a word rhyming with “Suck,” and the second verse all rhymes with “Dick.” You can even hear me saying Suck / Dick over and over in one channel, in a Ween voice. I think of this as a song mixing elements of Ween and Weezer. The drum solo in the middle is Morgan Agren. If you go to Brian Tracy’s Website, you will find this: “This recipe is the result of 20 years of experimentation and more than 1000 salads. Many people say that this is the best Caesar Salad they’ve ever had!” Morgan Agren e-mailed me the drum solo for this, just as a random mp3 file and I pasted it in. The music was originally written for the L.I.V. (Tyler) In The Universe album, Army of Sexy Uniform Girls, back in 2001. Since that album was shelved due to a dispute over per diems among the 164

Why girls don’t like me.

165



Chariots of the Sales Gods (Words - HisCheapMoves; Music - Mulch) This song is in 4/4 using strange staggered and borrowed rhythms and is in E and G at the same time. It’s about Gods from the future / past coming down and employing natives to work in their huge hotels. I basically wanted something pretty “out there” with lots of shredding. This is a reference to the Erich Von Danniken book, Chariots of the Gods. The guitar parts are ridiculous, and were recorded at half speed. There’s no way I could play half this shit in real life. I think that anyone who enjoys odd meter, heavy riffs ala Meshuggah would be interested in listening to this tune. It has extended sections with a lot of guitar soloing over displaced rhythms and bi-tonality, which caters to people who enjoy Dream Theater. “Crap in hole and drag ass on carpet.”

Will York, journalist for Rolling Stone, Alternative Press, and SF Guardian loses a bet that Creed isn’t fucking awesome.

They Came, They Sold, They Conquered, The Mighty Sales Gods / The shamen weren’t eating / Because the shamen weren’t cheating / They thought morals, ethics, rules / Were guiding points for all the fools / Until the men in rad plaid spaceships / Showed the shamen some half-crazed tips / Now the shamen shimmy Zombies by the pool / The high priests were not letting / all the hoopla on blood-letting / From preventing ritual murder / And the rest of the Sun Order / But the men in Chevy chariots / Showed them how to serve at Marriots / Now the high priests shimmy Zombies by the pool / The Sales Gods descended as heaven’s creations / With specials on governments and civilizations / 5,000 years, worry-free installation / Payments not due until annihilation / The druids were just fuming / Since nobody was consuming / The elixirs, philters, potions And many other herbal notions / Still the men who spoke like locusts / Showed the druids how to focus / Now the druids shimmy Zombies by the pool. I’m An Artist And I Shouldn’t Have To Work For A Living! (Words & Music - Mulch) This song is tribute to that magical, burning desire that exists within the heart of every creative being that keeps him or her from getting a job. This song will go over well with any dummy who thinks his art needs to remain pure and not “sell out.” I wanted to capture the essence of the struggle I was facing playing in a local band called Handstands On The Carpet, with my friends Walt and Darrin. I was really on the fence at the time, trying to figure out my place in the socioeconomic world of business and music. When trying to get the band off the ground, we were trying our best to not seem so “Local.” All of us were working day jobs and were in responsible long-term relationships. Walt had nice gear, his cables were all the right lengths, and he was always frowning upon us for having crackly knobs and cheap gear, which seemed to become an overall band preoccupation. I had decided to give up the whole, “flaky artist” thing and become responsible for myself 166

and my equipment, but Darrin was still in this mindset of saying things like, “You don’t understand what it’s like to not be good at anything but playing guitar.” Walt and I were really trying to move towards methodically controlling all the elements and be more “professional,” while Darrin was maintaining the “I don’t care about my gear or warming up, I just want to write great songs and have a good time,” attitude. I was always nagging 167



at him about 1.) his guitar strings being dirty or 2.) using guitar cables to connect his speaker cabinets, or 3.) tuning his guitar without a tuner, or 4.) his amp head being bigger than the speaker cabinets. Musically, this song pokes a bit of fun at some of Darrin’s guitar stylings. It’s even got a little sequenced banjo jig in the beginning, which was an inside joke between us. He’d keep showing up to band practice with more and more songs that seemed to have a really hokey jig-sounding thing, with a bunch of finger plucking. I think it really captures the spirit of where both Darrin and I were at (and are always at) with the cliche of, “I just want to make enough money to survive and make my art.” The bridge once again references Darrin’s stylings of bringing in these DiFranco-ish acoustic funk things which turned out highly un-funky. I would do this repetitive bassslapping that just felt completely awkward to me. The main hook from the chorus, “For those of you who...” is totally ripped off from Darrin’s song called, “Contract.” As you can hear, the ending definitely ribs on the days when we used to practice in a garage trying to get our guitars in tune and stop our cables from crackling. The rest of the lyrics are all psychologically autobiographical, from the days when I’d come home to my girlfriend sitting in our apartment with the power disconnected because I had just spent $2000 on radio promo — and how I always tried to convince her that someday we’d be rewarded for all of this inconvenience. Part of it is also about a revelation I had which spawned the original album concept: In May of 2002, I took my lunch break from work at the ad agency with Flail Tenacious one day, and we popped in the They Might Be Giants album, Flood. Birdhouse In Your Soul came on, and I almost got tears in my eyes. I was going through this phase where I wanted to be a salesman instead of a musician / artist and quit music. This completely ruined that whole vibe for me. I got back to work and had borrowed the CD, so I went in my office and turned on the song again. Instantly one of the secretaries (that I hated) walked into my office mouthing the entire song of lyrics and gesticulating. I thought, “What the fuck am I doing with my life? Making songs like THIS is what I am supposed to be doing. I don’t want to be like me and her, sitting in a lame job listening to awesome songs... I want to be MAKING those awesome songs.” My graphic design career was ruined at that moment. After work that day, I was sitting in the lobby bullshitting with that secretary and my boss. While they were talking about something, I looked down at a book I was carrying with me and reading at the time: “How To Sell Anything To Anybody, by Joe Girard, The World’s Greatest Salesman!” At that instant I felt that all linear time had stopped and I was totally at one with the universe. I felt a buzz that told me, “PAY ATTENTION, YOU FOOL!” My mind focused on the words, “The World’s Greatest Salesman!” and this magical, subconscious hunch told me where my future was taking me. I turned to the annoying secretary, smiled, and said, “You don’t realize this, but I just wrote my new album.” 168

And it didn’t even explode!

169


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH what’s in that envelope don’t even have to say it / Forget about the power bill we’ve got 2 months to pay it / Once I get this album done you’ll never have to bitch / We’ll pay off all our debt and still be filthy stinkin’ rich / I got another credit card the others are all full / Now I can buy a set of strings and that handy truss-rod tool / Some Taco Bell with what is left I’ll make it through the night / I’ve only got just one more song and if I play it right / Some famous dude will realize that I have got potential / My life will then be valid and my weird art consequential / But for now I’m just the flaky artist down the street / So come and pick me up and buy me lots of food to eat. Hardball 2 (Words - Mulch; Music - Estradasphere, Mulch) Ah, the War on Estradasphere continues. (Quick history: I moved to San Francisco in September 2002 and saw Estradasphere within a couple days of getting there. They were playing at the Boom Boom Room. I was excited, and knew very little about them. I was so mad after about 20 minutes of bad funk soloing that I walked out and went home furious. I wrote up a huge essay attacking them for betraying themselves and posted it all over the internet. It made a lot of people mad, but it seemed to solidify my relationship with Trey. He encouraged me to let more things like this out.) So anyway, this is the song that got me my record deal with Mimicry. I learned the whole thing and recorded it start to finish in a matter of a few hours, even improving on its drum parts. I brought Trey into my apartment at about 3 a.m. when my girlfriend was sleeping and played it to him without telling him what it would be. His eyes got really big and he hit the floor. He was on my floor on all fours, pounding his fist and unable to breathe he was

Voice Actor, Mike Kohn.

The hours I was allowed to record while living with Buffy The Album Slayer.

I work all day and night to make stuff up to share with you / I’ve got top secret projects - stuff that no one else can do / I write the songs you listen to while singing in the shower / I get the feeling you don’t have respect for my great powers / What if Rush had never made Tom Sawyer, went to work instead / Or They Might Be Giants kept all their ideas in their head / I can not get a job right now, my album’s almost done / You never know, this piece of crap might go to #1 / For those of you that got here late for the sermon I am giving / I’m an artist and I shouldn’t have to work for a living / If you think that washing dirty dishes helps humanity / Imagine the poor planet without artsy types like me / I can’t be like the rest of you so give me money please / Help me pay my bills so I can say I’m in the industry / I’m practicing my scales, I can play them fast as blazes / This isn’t just another of my adolescent phases / Some day I’ll pay you back all of the money that I owe / And you’ll be telling stories bout the rockstar that you know / I know 170

171



laughing so hard. He went and took a piss and came back and said, “I think we can do something with this.” At the end, I am playing Hardball on my Palm Pilot, which creates the same types of staggered rhythms as the song. Not sure if they intended it that way or not. I started recording an updated version of this with all real drums but my general midi instrument settings on the keyboards got lost and I couldn’t remember what sounds I had previously used. I hate reworking things once they are “done,” a lot of times. So I left it as it was.

in Australia have actually lost their voices imitating it. That’s a powerful meme if I ever heard one, dude. I basically just did another version with updated lyrics, and some more fucked up rhythms. I find it a bit repetitive. The keyboards during the verse are going in very fucked up 5’s and 4’s somehow. Not sure how. It may be some sort of weird polyrhythm, where the rhythm is actually quintuplets but going up and down patterns of 4 within that. All set against broken up groups of hemiolas in the rhythm section or something.

Just because you can play fast / Doesn’t mean you should / Just because it’s complicated / Doesn’t make it good / An endless riff with soloing / Stagnating in one key / A thousand notes a second / Still it’s lacking melody / They change the syncopations / But their crap is still 4/4 / A harmonic reduction of it / Shows it’s quite a bore / A quarter hour of saxophone / And what is there to show? / Up and down the scales / And a few arpeggios / Not technical, not something new / Not beautiful, not witty / All that talent goes to waste / My heart, it feels pity / They play it safe, don’t break the rules / Not idols to be feared / Cheap imitations strolling down / A path already cleared / I’d better get my chops up / If I’m going to compete / With a group of kids who think that / Lots of notes make music neat / Estradasphere significant? / They’ll never make a dent / They’re not the first to write a riff / In Phrygian Dominant / If you’re up for challenges / Here’s what we can do / You kiddies wanna play Hardball? / I can play Hardball 2 / I know some scales and some chords / I play some instruments / I only need a single swing / To knock one past the fence.

I worked there for eight years / And still they wouldn’t try / To snipe me in the menswear aisle / And make my legend die / Until one day they found out / That I was into Crisco / And they showed up with their riot gear / But I had transferred out to Frisco / My name is James Pitts, and I don’t consider this due process / I finally got the courage / And moved to Homo Heights / Where I felt OK to walk the streets / In my Cupid Monger tights / But that only lasted briefly / And my heart was filled with fear / When I found out two weeks later / The conspiracy followed me here / I tried to keep a low profile / But I didn’t get too far / A little boy had recognized me / As a Power Rangers star / My cover had been blown / My life was now at stake / I would have been gunned down there and then / If not for a mighty earthquake / Some shots were fired, but they all missed / I fell down on the street / When the smoke had cleared I found me in / A giant bowl of meat / A taco stand had toppled / I was saved from my demise / They’d never know that it was me / Inside this beef disguise.

Cap’n Jack’s Straight To The Can Applefish! (Words by LevelNivelo) Son: Brad Murray Father: Brad Fries I have absolutely no idea what it means. It is performed by Brad Fries (the Slingblade sounding guy) and Brad Murray (the stuttering kid). Brad Murray is actually impersonating an elderly gentleman who was one of his customers at his day job. He had been doing that stuttering thing for years and it’s a hilarious sound. This track will go on to rake in MILLIONS of dollars for LevelNivelo, because he owns all the publishing on it. There is probably some explanation for this bizarre track but I have never been given one. James Pitts In Bondage Y2K (Words & Music - Mulch) The fourth installment, which further chronicles the adventures of James Pitts, the most Vegan man in the universe. People LOVE it when they hear that James Pitts yell. They laugh every time! It has caught on, and people 172

The Death Shuttle; my transportation around Venice for 8 years. R.I.P.

173


Working in a small, cramped workspace. Hungry and poor.

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH is.. what the song is about! Surprisingly, these lyrics parallel the visuals at the end of the Matrix Revolutions. Neo is blind and walking on golden streets. Coincidence? H2o2verphone! (Words by LevelNivelo) Stinky The Ass-Clown: Dale Lewis Dumb Girl: Maureen Testa This is Dale at his finest. He ate my entire bag of chips that night during the recording. It’s a sort of telethon / commercial for a new type of telephone that is powered by Hydrogen Peroxide. Don’t ask me what the hell I (or whoever came up with it) was thinking. Chewbode once again rendered a magnificent 3D model of the actual device, as seen in the album artwork. The female voice is my ex-girlfriend, Maureen. She got so mad at me during that session and was very uncooperative. (What else is new?) You can also hear me cutting in when Dale makes mistakes on the studio intercom to correct him. This is another example of something that goes on for way too long but makes me laugh way too hard.

Maximum Volumizer! Stoner #1: Larry Boothroyd Stoner #2: James Pitts (Words - LevelNivelo & Mulch) There is hiss in this, unfortunately. This is the REAL James Pitts and Larry Boothroyd of Victims Family interacting. It’s basically making fun of the current state of overblown mastering “techniques” in modern rock. Everything is mastered so fucking loud these days that it destroys the sound. Hey guys, ever heard of a volume knob? In the background is David Bowie’s, “The Man Who Sold The World,” backwards. This track is incredibly long and drawn out, and the guy at the end warning them is actually Tim Solyan from the Victims Family album, White Bread Blues. Chewbode did a great job in rendering a 3D computer model of the actual device.

The Boy With The Perfectly Square Butthole Strikes Back! (Words & Music - Mulch) This is the sequel to The Boy With The Perfectly Square Butthole from 50 Intellectually Blah Blah Blah, my first CD. This one is much faster but is based on all the same music. Brutal Cheddar complained that the guitar solo (my signature melody) is too quiet. I am much happier with this version than the previous. Gnomes are trendy. I just had to send this guy on another adventure. He’s more mature now, and he’s got a career in corporate America. This song just simply rocks, and has butthole humor. Young men love butthole humor.

Higher (Creed) This track was born out of a conversation between me, Will York, and Trey while we were walking down the street in San Francisco one day. My contention was that Creed was actually quite good, and they were laughing at me. A year and a half later, I returned to San Francisco and played it to Will. I have had my revenge. The snare is real, as is the hi hat. I like the way all of the voices interact when I layer them at the end. I added in The Primary Hermetic Dictum, “As Above So Below” into the mix to illustrate the gap between the world of dreams and the world of waking reality, which

He walked around for 5 long years / and praised his square butthole / But then one day he woke up as / An aimless, tortured soul / He didn’t know what happened / So he went and bought more tomes / Before long he was looking underneath / His bed for gnomes / little gnomes, tiny gnomes, scary gnomes / He thought he saw a pointed hat / Run back behind the door / He grabbed a broom but realized / It wasn’t there no more / Where did these stinkers come from? / Why do they bother me? / I’ll set some traps catch them all / We’ll have to wait and see / Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see... / One night he heard a mousetrap / And jumped right out of bed / And ran downstairs and saw a gnome / Who got caught by his head / The little man let out just one more / Dying, weakly peep “Your boss has sent me here to play you sales tapes in your sleep!” / He buried the poor munchkin / Near the tree in his backyard / He felt deep guilt he killed a gnome / Who worked so very hard / he drove up to the mall /

174

175



Mixing with HisCheapMoves at Full Sail, Orlando, FL on the 10th anniversary of Sir Millard Mulch. February 5, 2005.

And bought a cap with big red point / And wore it in to work and / Now he owns the friggin’ joint! Drink The Secret Milkshake (Words & Music - Mulch) A bit of a reference to Freemasonry, before I was an actual Freemason. Kind of sounds like a drunken Shriner band. I imagined a secret society that has a secret milkshake instead of a secret handshake. Drink of the secret milkshake my friend / And learn the great wisdom our brethren defend / It’s not what you’re thinking so think what you might / Our truth is well hidden within your plain sight / Cartographical plans From the Gods that we stole / They are in human nature, ingrained in your soul / From gumballs to gourmet, it’s all figured in / Our grand plan concludes that our grand plan will win / Now Drink. I Don’t Wanna Be A Salesman! (Words & Music - Mulch) A completely commercial-style indie song about not wanting to sell out. Oh, the irony! Kinda Liz Phair. There’s no bass guitar. That 808 kick drum took up that frequency. I EQ’d the acoustic guitar to sound extra low-fi and clinky. “Please tell me that’s not the mix that is going on the album,” was one comment I got. I think this song also has a lot of potential if you played it over P.A. before They Might Be Giants went on stage, since it’s kind of low-fi and cute. That is my Grandpa Millard on the intro, from a compilation tape he sent me in roughly 1978, of a bunch of nice songs. This song is the flip side rebellious take on salesmanship. The verse chords are stolen right from Pachel Bel Cannon. The guitar solo is entirely inappropriate. Polish up the turds / and go put on your favorite tie / One more sales meeting / And I swear I’m gonna die / I don’t wanna be a salesman / Cuz I can’t walk around with an artificial smile on my face / I’m not a salesman / Because I don’t believe my product will benefit the human race / I have no use for that / Garbage that you sell / so go sell that crap / to somebody else / working on commission / sucks the big one, man, you’ll see / Making cold calls and bugging people / Isn’t where I want to be / This song’s the same old chords / As everything else / It’s got a catchy rhythm / I think that we can sell. Ring Around The Hedgehog (Words by LevelNivelo) Old Executive: Flail Tenacious Young Executive: William Maier III If you have ever read the book, Good To Great by Jim Collins, you would get 176

177

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! a lot of inside jokes about this track. It’s Flail Tenacious doing the voice of the old man, and William Mayer doing the young salesman. It has a very Outer Limits feel to it towards the end, which I really liked. The advertising agency I worked at for several years used Good To Great as their business bible. It was ominously referred to as, “The Book,” and was required reading. It was almost like a cult at one point. The question was continually asked: “Did you read the book? Did you read the book?” When I quit music in 2001 it was because of Good To Great. Marty wrote most of the script and elaborated on much of the source material I gave him. Very funny — and once again, very drawn out and too long. I don’t know what Marty’s problem is with old people - very abrasive and distasteful jokes. Being from Florida, I like old people quite a bit.


Original letter I received from Steve Vai’s Manager, Ruta Sepetys.

Metronomes and Makeup (Words & Music - Mulch) This song is about Avril Lavigne and Foo Fighters, and their digital editing practices. In recent years, MTV has stopped even playing Music Videos, so it brings me to ask the question, “I wonder what the M stands for?” Of course, all of my music is heavily edited and even more “fake” than Avril Lavigne and Foo Fighters. The non-linear creation of music opens up so much power. I wrote these lyrics into my Treo while watching a “Making Of Sk8r Boi” thing on MTV. It was just a few days before I moved to San Francisco in Sept 2002. She can’t sing, He can’t drum / The rest of them are just plain dumb / They’ve got a lot of tape to takeup / They need some help from metronomes & makeup / She wears spiked wristbands and a tie / To make the little skater boys cry / But she’ll be gone and in the dark / Next month like guys from Linkin Park / Without the damn PR machine / These bands would not be on your screen / A zillion dollars in advance / Wait a sec, she’s got new pants! / So what if she can’t stay on pitch / We’ll auto-tune that somvabitch / Most of the kids will never know / Just sit back, enjoy the show / Record one measure at a time / Cut & Pasting aint a crime / If Grohl can keep his indie cred / Let’s let our drummer stay in bed / Just play two bars we’ll tuck you in / We’ve got some samples in the bin / Don’t even have to count to four / That’s what we’ve got this Dualy for / I wonder what the M stands for Not for music, that’s for shore / Dancing, dancing everywhere / What the M’s for, no one cares / Bring your axe, you’re good to go / We’ve never met before the show / But it’s all punched-in later on / So take your paycheck and you’re gone / A band that generates such hate / Must be because they’re really great / Don’t know a soul who likes their rhymes / But they’ve gone platinum 10 times...

178

You’re Not My Hero Anymore! (Words & Music - Mulch) This is Brad Fries’s snare. I love it. It’s about that VH1 Bands Reunited show, and about no one in particular. Parts of this song are incredibly bad, particularly the snare fills before the chorus hook. Everything was so terribly out of tune, too. Sometimes I will intentionally try to sing completely piss-poor and it sounds no worse than my normal singing. That little 179



Dale Lewis, Tenor, belts out “Come Sale Away by Styx.”

minor guitar melody on the intro and outro was improvised, including the completely wrong note. (Tribute to Ween.) I left it there and doubled it with a keyboard. I saw you in a magazine / And bought my first guitar / You’re lame and old and boring now / But me, I’ve come so far / You avoid the TV cameras / What is up with that / Everyone just wants to know / Where is their hero at? / You’ve got a really chubby face / And it’s been 6 years since you played your bass / And now I’m here to settle the score / You’re not my hero anymore / An ostrich farm in Norway / Room for your kids to play / I’m your biggest fan, remember me / When you drive your SUV / You let everyone down / Fell off the throne and broke your crown / You could have had it steel bolted / But now the kingdom has revolted / I’m throwing all my posters in the trash / This autographed pair of underwear is giving me a rash / Promise me you’ll make just one more sound / More TV coverage the second time around Not Ready For Retail (Words & Music - Mulch) This song is about working a completely futile day job like serving coffee, yet knowing you are destined for greatness — all the while, totally SUCKING at your job. Really fucks with your self-esteem to get fired from such a lame job. This is particularly about my job at Barnes & Noble, working in the 180

“Haydn established himself in an attic in Vienna, managed to obtain a dilapidated harpsichord, and set out to master the art of music.” -The Enjoyment of Music, 7th Edition

181



cafe and trying to serve Scones to Stephen King and totally screwing up. I remember, at the time, being really proud to get such a good job. I came home and bragged to my mom that I got a job selling books and actually was required to wear a TIE (wow!), because that would prove to her that I was at least intelligent enough to not have to wash dishes for a living. After 3 months, my manager and I agreed one day that I was, “Not Ready for Retail.” She literally said, “Maybe you have more important things that you need to go and do. Maybe you’re Not Ready For Retail.” I said, “No, I’m Not Ready For Retail.” It was right at the time that Devin Townsend’s album, Infinity, came out. I was totally obsessed with that album, and I just kept hearing it all day, over and over, in my head. It made it totally impossible to do anything else. I mean, golly: the guy had even asked me to be on the album, and here I am serving coffee to people. What exactly is the point at which you decide that you have more important things to do, like be on and make famous albums? Anyway, a few years later I went to a holistic health clinic and the same lady who fired me was a doctor there. They charged me $350 for acupuncture and for a woman to talk to my arms (I had a pinched nerve). I never paid them and eventually they went out of business.

pace of the album and taking people into Book-On-Tape Hell. At the end, he added himself doing the Agh, so I edited it in along with a pattern the drummer was doing during soundcheck.

I screwed up Steven King’s order / Not just once or twice / He ordered something weird / Don’t know if it is hot or iced / I’d surely make the nightly news / And it would help my band / If I spilled his drink on him / Or hit him with my mini van / I can’t make a latte / I can’t make a frap / It isn’t that I’m stupid / It’s just that I don’t give a crap / I’d rather be not working here / Got things to do instead / Like writing songs and / Listening to music in my head / Impatient yuppies crowd the room / Hurried and uptight / They can not be too hot or cold / They have to be just right / That junk all tastes the same to me / Those puddle water drinks / They make me nervous, make me sick and / Make my poopies stink / You bust your ass all day / And in return you don’t get piss / How can people stand / To work a lame job such as this? I guess I’m going home now / No reason to be here / I paid off my new Ibanez / In just a quarter year.

Let’s Move (Dance Mix) (Words - HisCheapMoves & Mulch; Music - Mulch) This song is Ian making fun of me for always wanting to move to San Francisco, and making fun of Maureen for always trying to escape me and

When The Sales Gods Compute Your Karmic Worth, You Can Join Your Mystic Brethren At The Center Of The Earth (Words & Music - Mulch) The drum fills are Harold, playing drums in my kitchen with just two overhead mics in an XY. He’s a total maniac. It’s probably actually some of the craziest drumming on the album. “Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler was a salesman!” (That’s 13 Hitlers, for those who can count.) This is not to make light of the Nazis or The Holocaust, but.. Upon skimming Mein Kampf one day, I realized that I could take a lot of the propaganda techniques that Hitler wrote about, change his name to Dr. Whilton Popple or some other harmless motivational speaker name... hang them on the wall at the ad agency and I’d get a raise. What can I say? This shit all adds up. Mass Manipulation and Marketing are one and the same.

My shrink, Fr. Vitreus Secundus.

Check Out Our Exclusive Fall Season Spectacular Of Indestructible Bra Hooks (Words - Mulch) Special Guest Vocalist: Dave Meros Dave Meros has been a long-time fan and supporter of SMM. I sent him a script and he even recorded a real Eric Burdon Band soundcheck for me to put in the background. This whole thing really parallels our real-life interactions at his shows — usually a mixture between conversation about jacking off and music business nonsense. Members of his band actually lost their voices doing the James Pitts “Agh!” while on tour in Australia. Once again, an extremely long and boring track, completely fucking up the 182

183


Why Millards don’t celebrate Christmas or Birthdays.

go dancing. Basically a double-meaning reference to escape. It even makes fun of me for moving back, before I had even moved there. The marimba sound was really played by me on my shitty PSR keyboard from 1995. Let’s cut to the chase — it’s in 4/4, has a dance beat, and an acoustic guitar. Plus, the lyrics are call & response and are cute. I could open up for Andrew W.K. if this song broke big time.

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH for his publishing for this song, his face lit up in a way I have never seen. Stew’s dad was excited that his son’s song was going to be on a real album. Originally, the song was very sappy and slow, in a Morrisey way, intentionally ripping him off. I put those 4 bells at the end of the song to sort of represent the demise of Darrin & Stew’s band, and because it sounded like a Taco Bell commercial. It was rumored that this song was actually named after a Ninjitsu move — but it actually refers to the Chinese legend of Sun Wu Kong, the Monkey King. The poor bastard stole some peaches that turned out to be the Elixir of Eternity. Monkey attends a banquet. Heaven orders an execution. In a sense, this song is about selling out, which made it fit nicely into the album concept. The underground alternative scene needs a ska-rock revival, and this song can deliver the goods. Weep not for your memories / which time may yet efface / I can wear your scattered pearls / with regal porcine grace / I am the careless apprentice / the thief of precious words / I vomit nectar of the gods into the mouths of nestling birds / I gleaned the rose of all its petals with the flourish of a pen / I crushed the maiden head sublime / to prove my worth to other men / beauty cast like salt into the sterile city street / trampled and forgotten / by the soles of loutish feet / One day the poets will come and murder me for what I have done / and do you really think they can refuse / this pen and page that I’ve abused? / And now I’m caught somewhere between / classic verse and classic perversion / blissfully inept and subject to perversion / I just use the factory settings. I’m scared to screw it up.

We’ll take control of our fate / until the club opens at 8 / until the mixed drinks start to hit / we’ll wake up in a filth choked pit / shake your body / bake your heat / change your addy to the middle of the street / let’s get wasted, let’s get bent / let’s forget to pay the rent / Let’s move, let’s dance, let’s pack, unpack, pack up again and head right back / change comes from without and not within / let the party begin / let’s move back to mom & dad’s / and talk about what fun we had / and mow the lawn and clean our room / and talk about moving out real soon / we’ll move on out to Alabama / hunt for wabbits in Montana / or get the hell to San Francisco / we’ll be sure to find a disco. The Monkey Steals The Peaches (Words & Music - Darrin Johnson & Stewart McClain) Written by my friends Darrin and Stew. It has sections that reference Emmit Otter’s Jugband Christmas. Stew is a lyrical genius. When I paid Darrin 184

185

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! with my forearm laid across my brow / I mourn for what life will not allow / in curse my spirit’s malcontent / to every passing new lament. Fake Boobies! (Words - Mulch, Music - Mulch & Victims Family) My girlfriend at the time would get really excited about Victims Family and act like they were something I couldn’t understand. I always felt like, “Fuck you, I AM Victims Family.” She was constantly criticizing me as if I wasn’t really a valid musician, but somehow they were. She got mad at me because I wouldn’t jump around in front of the stage and “feel” it when we saw them live. What bullshits. So I thought, “Fuck it, I will make Victims Family on my computer. That will show her!” The lyrics are about how being a computer musician is not “Fake.” It takes a lot of their signature sounds and stylings and... tries to be a tribute to them. The ending is actually a sample from their live album, 4 Great Thrash Songs, which is dear to my heart. I overdubbed crickets at the request of Larry. I do not need a special clearance / To modify my own appearance / They’re tools to help increase my chance / Extensions of me, just enhanced / Too bad I just can’t tell my mother / Now I’m as big as all the others / They’re a pair of rockets, not a crutch / You can’t tell me they cost too much / I was not pleased where I was at / I felt like I was always flat / They make me glossy, full, and proud / To help me stick out of the crowd / I’m running with the competition / I’m guaranteed a good position / You shake your heads and call me fake / But I’m quite proud, for heaven’s sake How To Pretend You’re Stupid Like Everyone Else So You Can Become Gainfully Employed And Enjoy Your Limited Time On This Fucking Useless Planet In Just Five-Zillion Easy Steps! The title refers to the dominant mindset when I am trying to get a job. I recorded this covertly on a microcassette while working as a temp at a telesales magazine subscription company. It was run by this fugitive-type con artist from New Jersey who thought he was really hot shit. I had to keep moving around the room and shuffling papers and pretending I was working. Boy, this guy had a mouth on him. I eventually got fired for being late too many times and I suspect this guy is probably in prison by now. Once again, another track that completely fucks up the pace of the record. I Hate Retro! (Music - Mulch) I made this melody up some time around the end of high school, I think. I added a really stock Weezer-type chord progression. This song was originally going to be on The De-Evolution of Yasmine Bleeth EP, but the drum parts got completely bumfucked so I trashed it all and redid it years later. I 186


My room in SF.

love the guitar solo. I seriously hate retro. If people would call it The Brian Setzer Haircut instead of The Brain Setzer Orchestra I wouldn’t be so angry.

Poking The Eye Of The Beholder! (Words HisCheapMoves; Music - Mulch) Every time you look at a piece of art, it destroys the meaning of it by misinterpretation — and every piece of art you look at is one step closer to the last thing you will ever see. So out of obligation, we poke your eye with the art itself. We beat the beholder to the punch. Ween and Tom Waits have dropped in popularity enough that I could probably get away with saying this is somehow original. That BOING sound is catchy, too. A tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye / Poking the eye of the beholder / The truth is not smooth, it’s a lie, it’s a lie / And we find we’re not wiser, but older. / You try to know why, you ask ‘Who? Me? and I? / But the trail is just growing colder / And you find it’s not kind, to be really alive / It’s a poke in the eye of the beholder / So you cry and you cry, as you’re waiting to die / Just a number in some giant case folder / And you’ll find that your mind is just jelly to grind / For a poke in the eye of the beholder. Prelude To Mundus Imaginalis (Music - Mulch, Words - Michael Maharbiz) These are several very short compositions strung together, recorded several 187



months apart. The entirety of disc 3 was going to consist of this type of material, but I am too lazy, so I just made disc 3 blank.

Failure 101.

Dennis Rodman Fukking Basketball 1998 (Words - LevelNivelo & HisCheapMoves) Video Game Kid: William Maier III Old Woman: David Crew This is Will Maier doing the hyperactive gamer voice, and David Crew doing the old woman. Will is doing voices and sounds ala a local girl from around here, Claire Gray. Once again, brutality towards old people. I don’t know why marty insists on writing scripts that are so mean. Maybe because he was about 17 at the time. Take that, Game Audio Magic! Mary Go Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy! (Words & Music - Mr. Bungle) As Above, So Below. Just another attempt to get Trey’s attention so he will sign me to his label. From there, I can try to get the attention of a major label A&R guy who can give me enough money to hire a real band for once. Trey’s comment about this was, “I am going to sue you AND your record company.” At the very end you can hear my dogtags looping as I say Buy. Ultimate Radio Interview That Will Make Me Famous Forever! Will and I making fun of the average enthusiastic yet uninformed DJ interviewing the nightmare that is SMM. In the background is a song I wrote called, “Cholera Or The Evil Clown,” which was questioning what was more dangerous: living in the woods and dying of cholera or living in society and dying of Mcdonalds. The beginning guitar strum sounds remarkably like Bananas & Blow by Ween, I wonder... People think it’s funny when I just say, “Yeah,” and “Uh-huh.” It’s just really me making fun of myself. People will think it’s a real radio interview, though, and give me indie cred for embarrassing the host. What they don’t realize is that I’d really just kiss the ass of anyone who was willing to interview me at this point. The World Is Brainwashed Catering, LLC (Words & Music - Mulch) Basically a song about how everyone, regardless of the position in life, must compromise and sell out and do things they don’t want to do. If we’re making money off anything, we’re selling out. I’m game, are you? This song exploits the need for an underground male version of Michelle Branch. I think it could work. Ultimately, as an artist, as long as you make what you want, that is the important thing — regardless of what you have to go through to make it. Then there are those sellouts who are at the top of the game whose passions / dreams are never ever fulfilled because they get completely sucked in. This song references both Steve Vai’s company, Favored Nations 188

(label who turned me down) and Larry Boothroyd’s job of delivering fruit. Ironically, it is very Zappa — and Mats / Morgan’s similarities to Zappa were the reason they didn’t get signed to Favored Nations. The chorus and pre-chorus to this song are sung from a mock Favored Nations point of view, and the verse provides the counter view. Which one is the right one? One thing is for certain. The world really is brainwashed, and we have no 189


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH choice but to cater to it. When I met Steve backstage at one of his shows a few years ago, he asked me what I was up to lately. I told him I was actually working as a salesman. He nodded to me and said, “So am I.” The World Is Brainwashed - The Rumors are True / Let’s start up a label, what more could we do? / We can sign lots of bands who are boring as fuck / They’re safe, but we’re guaranteed to make a few bucks / We might have to compromise just for a while / Until we’ve got money in huge heaping piles / But by then we’ll be old and want out of the game / And the business will be there exactly the same / Some of us sell-outs deliver the fruit / And some of us dress in a nice 3-piece suit / Whether at a computer or riding a bike / We’re trading our paychecks for work we don’t like / But that’s different, I’m not selling out, did you say? / Would you still go to work every day without pay? / We might love or hate it in varied degrees / But we all get turned into the same mac & cheese / If you could sum it all up in one word: compromise / Editing, spinning, and telling white lies / Surrender as much as your soul can allow / And let others insert their own ego for now / You’ll be glad that you never went out with an uzi / When you’re 50 and naked inside a jacuzzi / Imagine the wonderful cars you could buy / If you’d just shut your mouth and just let music die. DISC 2 What Is The Concept Behind This Huge, Unlistenable Album? Guest Vocalist: Mark Critchley Stock music and Mark Critchley. It was completely by accident that the last note of this song blended perfectly with the first song of the next. Mark is a very talented piano player who plays in a spastic, disjoined punk rock band called itch from Canada. What is it, you ask? It is the age-old human effort to imitate, supplement, alter, or counteract the work of nature. It is the practice of using charms, spells, or rituals to attempt to produce supernatural effects or control events and objects. It is the exercise of sleight of hand or conjuring for entertainment. It is tact and skill in dealing with people. It is shrewd or devious management, especially for one’s own advantage. It is the power or quality of pleasing or delighting. It is a power affecting a person, thing, or course of events, especially one that operates without any direct or apparent effort. It is something, such as a fantastic plan or desire, that causes an erroneous belief or perception. It is a mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful. It is the transformation of human will into universal effect. It is the subject of my new series of instructional videos, and you are going to purchase them right now.

This is what most of what I learned from the bad experiences of 1997. “Be Unto Good Hobby” is a phrase coined by Jared Whitham, meaning, “Stay Busy.”

190

191

HOW TO SELL THE WHOLE F#@!ING UNIVERSE TO EVERYBODY... ONCE AND FOR ALL! Hemisphere 3: Hermes! This is a 20-minute mockery of prog concept albums, with particular references to Rush’s Hemispheres. We added in Hermes as the third god / hemisphere of the brain.


Promo pack I sent to Steve Vai, along with the first disc of completed material.

i. All Hail Hermes! - the main riff starts out in 13 with a Strapping Young Lad-esque riff and vocal melody, minus the cool Devin Townsend singing. If his wife didn’t hate my guts, I could have had him sing the fucking thing. It then flows into and alternates with an improv by Michel Maharbiz, a nanotechnology professor who was also my Dungeon Master in San Francisco. I gave him my album concept and he just lectured me on it for 20 minutes or so. I picked the best selections and edited it down. He was well-versed in Hermetic Magic and all kinds of other intellectual garbage which was quite a surprise. That’s David Manson and David Irwin playing Trombone and Clarinet in the background during the spoken sections. ii. The Sacred Craft - I sent a bass line in 13/16 to Virgil Donati and asked him to solo over it. He sent me the drums tracks, then I removed the original bass line riff and added a different one. Then, I sent those tracks to Lale Larson in Sweden who improvised and created artificial interplay with Virgil’s solo. Lale did an amazing job of making it sound as if they were playing off each other. Lale would non-linearly hint at something that he knew Virgil was about to do. This is one of the magical powers of non-linear digital recording. Virgil used an incredible amount of drum channels. My fuzz guitar playing the simple 13/16 pattern repeatedly is pretty meek and low-fi in comparison to their high-caliber playing. That amuses me. iii. Foundations of Ironycynicism In The 21st Century. This consists of two completely separate frantic improv tracks that I spliced together from bits that both Lale and Morgan Agren recorded years apart. The thing I find odd is that they are such similar players and both live in Sweden and have never met. The voice is Travis Noilet, paraphrasing Hitler and applying his propaganda techniques to marketing. iv. How To Sell The Whole F#@!ing Universe To Everybody, Once And For All! - This is Nick d’Virgilio from Mike Keneally Band and Spock’s Beard playing drums. I sent the guitar and bass tracks to him and he did a test in his home studio and sent me an mp3. I actually really ended up loving the roughness of the mp3 test file and so used that, and realized how much it reminded me of Nomeansno. I love Nick’s groove, and how dirty it was. I could have upped the honkyness of the bass guitar quite a bit if I wanted a more accurate parody of Nomeansno, but decided to leave it as it was. I ended up just writing this long rant making fun of myself in a Rob Wright voice which worked quite well. I imagine it to be every bad thing that everyone could ever say about me and my album. 192

v. The Thirteen Beautiful Brazen Pillars of Nincompoopery Another Morgan / Lale splice. This one is Brutal Cheddar narrating. vi. Come Sail Away by Styx - Having Dale sing lead on a song is a great thing. I have no idea why I wanted to add this song in the middle of H3H. I just really love the song and it seemed to fit. It’s so grand and exciting sounding, and is, of course, that epic sort of 70’s prog rock thing. For the second verse, I wanted the drums to come in (like they do in the original song), and happened upon this guy named Ian Strong who plays buckets and pots and pans on Haight Street in San Francisco. We went into Larry’s attic studio and recorded him playing to a click — which I realized upon flying back home to mix it in was completely the wrong tempo. On top of that, the CDR we recorded the original tracks on was all screwed up with pops and blips. So I just did what I could to get all the best parts of what he did and add it into the background. I like it, even though it’s a bit dadaist and out of place. (As if the album isn’t completely out of place.) On the rest of the song, it is Brad Fries’s snare drum. That tape manipulation type thing that cuts it off abruptly is from an old recording Will Maier and I did in 2001. vii. The Final Battle Between Art And Commerce. This is read by a local wizard (literally), named Stephen Mccarthy. It tells the tale of the introduction of Hermes into the mythology of Hemispheres. The keyboards 193



were random odds and ends I assembled from Lale Larson improv, and the drums were bits of drum tracks that Morgan Agren sent me in 2001 that I never used. The whole thing fit together very nicely. I added in some additional 70’s prog rock synths doing all that swishing. viii. Executive Producer Brings The Rock Opera To A CostEffective Ending - This is actually some alternate takes of Nick d’Virgilo soloing and inserted under a 13/16 version of the outro chords from Rush’s Hemispheres. I made it sound like he messed up, but he didn’t. Of course, the whole thing ends in total disaster as can be expected. What else is new?

This is the day my girlfriend told me she was going to leave me because I spent a month straight in my studio instead of getting a minimum wage day job. “It would be excusable if your music was actually good,” she said.

ix. All Hail Hermes! (Reprise) Same as the first movement, but it has a special Pantera groove rock out at the end with a fade. If A Composer Falls In The Woods... (Words & Music - Mulch) I was going for a sort of Ben Folds / Fiona Apple thing here and used some extended chords and inversions, which is very rare for me. I have no idea what inspired me to write these incredibly depressing lyrics. It’s basically a song about dying alone in the woods and singing to yourself as you lose consciousness. I happened to be in a great mood at the time and wrote it in an instant. People say it sounds like They Might Be Giants. I can’t complain.

LevelNivelo celebrates ASCAP performance royalty earnings from his famous skit, “Cap’n Jack’s Straight-To/From-The-Can Applefish.”

Yes, the lyrics are mixed low. Get the joke? I did the same descending whole tone pattern in this that I did during All Hail Hermes. It has a depressing sound, and I imagined the song getting very blurry and echo’y but was too lazy to add that all into the mix. A library of loneliness upon my bookcase shelf / The truest words are spoken when I’m talking to myself / When social metaphysics aren’t the cause of your career / No soulmate will be waiting with intentions this sincere / Everything is broken now / Everything’s gone wrong / I lay here helpless on the ground / With nothing but this song / No audience to hear me sing / These notes, my only friend / And as I die my masterpiece / Will fade out at the end / No publishing, no royalties / No encore, no reviews / Two feet upon I bravely stood / Now rotting in my shoes / Behold this sacred contract now that I dare not neglect / A hundred years have passed since my suspicions proved correct / I’m left with shattered dreams of neverplayed orchestral scores / For no one wants to hear my endless ranting anymore / Woe to all who enter here, return to whence ye came / Get yourself a normal job or suffer just the same / You do not want to be like me, this decomposing man / I only entertain myself, my one deserving fan TJ’s Original Surrogate Activity Soup (Made from 100% Instead of Ingredients!) Once again, Nils reading bits of Ted Kaczynski. I had no idea at the time we began this collaboration that sleepytime were also drawing from his

My floor, 2002.

194

195



influence. The title is making fun of foods that advertise themselves as being the absence of something else. I imagined, what if there was something that was so “Instead” of this or that, that is was actually “Instead of Ingredients.” Sales Is The Best Job In The World! (Words & Music - Mulch) I wanted to just have another positive song about salesmanship. Once again, Brad Fries snare. That’s my best Anthony Kiediss impersonation during the verses. The breakdown before the solo mocks nu metal bullshit from the radio stations around here. After the solo, an acoustic guitar comes in. That’s Harold, playing two chords for 2 measures — the only guitar he played on the album. He happened to stop by one day when I was recording. Salesmanship is crucial, to love and life beyond / And that is how I got hooked up with this hot-bodied blonde / It’s got me in its tentacles, much like a giant squid / But it helps to boost my self esteem and lets me feed my kid / Some jobs are better than others / And some jobs are worse than others / But one job is better than the rest / Yeah! Sales is the best job in the world! / I’m making big commission, I bought a great big house / But I don’t have the time to see my children or my spouse / Cuz working on commission, I travel the unknown / I just might make a million bucks next time I use the phone / Don’t offer me security, danger is my name / But I’m so good that salesmanship is just a big ‘ol game / My closing rate’s unstoppable, it’s higher every day / Ask me if I’d change careers I’d say no fucking way / I make the world happier / I sell you all your dreams / But I can’t expect the normal folks / To go to such extremes The Ultimate Artistic Medium Is The Consciousness of Other People This is Chris Sittel, the guy who does my t-shirts, explaining Social Metaphysics. Food Pirates of Galpheve IV (Words - HisCheapMoves & Mulch; Music - Mulch) Voices: Brad Fries & Travis Niolet This is Brad Fries and Travis Niolet doing their various cartoon voices. I played real drums and acoustic guitar on it in an attempt to add some drama, and failed miserably. I had fun pretending to barf all over my apartment and spit out water into buckets with mics set up. That’s me doing all of the crowd reactions as well. In my opinion, mp3 technology and file sharing is a great thing, and that it redefines the business... in the same way that food replication technology (free food!) would end the food industry, yet feed 196

My desk at the advertising agency where most of the funding for my album came from.

everyone indefinitely. Which is better? Why stop progress? I wrote the lyrics and melody for the “chorus” while driving home from my girlfriend’s house on Longboat Key in the middle of the night. The Food Pirates of Galpheve IV! / They don’t wanna buy their food from a store / When they want some yummy food for free / They’ve got a neat machine that can copy any recipe Normal Life Is Boring! (Words & Music - Mulch) I want some kid in the middle of Utah to chant this while working in a plumbing supply store. Come on, man. It’s an anthem I wrote for smart people stuck in stupid jobs everywhere. The lyrics are incredibly shameless and the recording is dead, dead, dead. I think it’s about 16 tracks of me chanting the chorus. Story of my life. I nailed it. Pat on the back. Thanks. SO repetitive. I can’t stand listening to it. The end is a dig at a this washedup ex-alcoholic guitar teacher I used to have, who told me I can’t end on a diminished chord. To quote Frank Zappa on Crossfire, “Hey, I’ll tell you what, why don’t you kiss my ass, buddy?” This song is yet another song for lazy people who think they should be famous. The world is full of those, especially America, and you know there are plenty of people out there who will eat this shit up. 197



I check my mail constantly, I don’t know when I’ll get / A letter just to let me know my album is a hit / But my cellphone isn’t ringing, since I haven’t any friends / I’m really not important yet, and so I just pretend / I’ve got to check my messages, they might have called today / And left a message all about my big break, as they say / 4 pagers might be too much, but I’ll be laughing when / You schmucks are all broke and my song is in the top ten / Normal Life Is Boring, Won’t You Save Me From This Hell / Some Things I Just Can’t Seem To Do And Others I Do Well / The Things I Do Well Don’t Pay Off, They Leave Me Living Poor / And The Things I Just Can’t Seem To Do I’ll Do Forever More / Don’t try to get backstage - I careth not for feeble begs / I’ll give you front row seats and you’ll be staring at my legs / I’ll kick you in the teeth if I am feeling up for it / Then my lawyer friends will bury you, just like they did with Pitts. / One day you’ll get a post-card and it’s gonna be from me / “I’ve got a song about you and it’s played on MTV” / Now I laugh at you, you wretched bastard, get down on all fours / You should have wished me good luck when I walked out of your door / You should have paid me for my couch but now I own your life / Next time you won’t be eager to be lying ‘bout your wife / Your dog is in a nicer home, not crapping on the floor / I shipped you and your kids off to the desert for the war / Aint that fun to think about? / That all of you were wrong? / Perhaps one day my fantasy will not be just a song / And then I’ll build a time machine and come and visit you / And show you what I’ll someday be, my dream will then come true.

There’s A Market For Everything But Me! (Words & Music - Mulch) I got the idea for this song while I was wandering around in huge dildo shops in The Castro. I mean, seriously... who buys a fake penis that big? And if there can be entire stores dedicated to that sort of thing, don’t you think I have a chance of someone buying my albums?

No-No The Headless Ant (Words - Will Mayer, Music - Mayer & Mulch) This song was penned mainly by Will Maier, on napkins and receipts while working at Barnes & Noble. The girl vocals are Jocelyn Horvath. All of the vocals were recorded in 2001 and I rerecorded all of the background music and just plugged em in years later. I love the guitar solo. What will originally came up with was a basic sort of standard I-IV-V thing and I jacked it all around and added in all my horizontal dissonance to spice it up quite a bit. Following the song is a very long monologue by Will, on Thanksgiving 2001. The guy is an improvisational genius. He came up with it all right off the top of his head. It was originally MUCH longer, but I cut it down. More speed bumps for the album pacing. I love it. No-No, the Headless Ant / Ain’t it pesky how time flies? For certain species of ant / The head lives on after the body dies / So don’t lose your head, just listen to what No-No said! / No-No went to school / Learned too much about the Golden Rule / Then something happened! / Don’t get too obsessed with the destruction of art, because...

198

God Bless The RIAA! (Words & Music - Mulch) This is Brad Murray’s snare - great sound. The chorus are the best lyrics I have ever written. I was imagining a shotgun sound / 21-gun salute going off every time the snare hit, but I think the snare did OK by itself. The hi hat is a little sloppy but cool. I think I captured dirt-rocker Skynard Florida redneck music very well, particularly panning the fuzzed out guitar only to one speaker. As a Liberal, I hate the RIAA, and I think it’s insane that anyone could ever go to prison because of music. Good for listening to in the back of a pickup truck while exercising your God-given right to sample and fileshare. Dedicated to the memory of mp3.com. Who am I kidding? The RIAA is a hot-topic these days, and if the right people hear it, this song will probably end up on the soundtrack to some documentary movie by some revolutionary filmmaker like Michael Moore. Ka-ching! When I write a song / It shouldn’t take so long / But art is a fucking bitch / So I steal from the rich / Artists don’t deserve to be alive / So crank this rockin’ tune up when you drive / It’s a beautiful day / God Bless The RIAA / To hell with creativity / Music is a god damned felony / When I don’t want to sing / I sample everything / Some people think that’s crazy / But I’m just lazy / MP3’s are cool / But don’t call me a fool / Cuz I’m goin straight to jail / So listen to my tale Coagula Et Solve Or Something (Words & Music - Mulch) This song is about people who think Freemasonry is devil-worship. My ex-girlfriend actually walked into a Lodge I was visiting and asked the Worshipful Master, “So what about the goat?” He made the most confused face. I wish I had a picture of it. This song has a sort of Fantomas sound to it. Fans of Fantomas will love it. Mudvayne is incorporating alchemy into their albums, so it would be wise to make sure I have enough of it on here, too. I reads me some books / And damned if I find / That satanic goat man / Be controlling my mind / Throwing me here in a / Dang terrible panic / All that I knowin’s that / Goats is satanic / (backwards) Mama come quick / That bad man be on the level / Goats got horns / And so do the devil / Superfluous “S’s” are all the rage / As in Satan and Stephen and Something and Sage 199


“Some of us sell-outs deliver the fruit...”

Bad Imitation of Buckethead (Words & Music - Mulch) In 1997, I had made this demo tape called, “7 Pot-Boiling Delusions” and sent out three copies of it. One of them went to Trey Spruance (who quoted the liner notes back to me at a Mr. Bungle show in 1999), one of them went to Rob Wright of Nomeansno (who wrote back a nice letter thanking me), and one was sent out to Steve Vai. As usual, I spent a few months after making something I thought was so cool, and I sat around depressed and wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself. I lived with my mom and I was so poor, and I moved from one terrible job to another, being a loser and getting fired for whatever level of incompetence is caused by being overqualified to carry boxes or run cash-registers correctly. I had to 200

THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH sell my instruments and pieces of equipment one-by-one to be able to afford the studio time as I completed the tracks. “The bass tracks are done? OK, time to sell my bass so I can afford to record the drums. The guitar tracks are done? Sell the guitar amp so I can afford to record vocals.” Half the time, Flail Tenacious had given me the money to buy the gear in the first place, because I couldn’t even keep a job long enough to afford to buy an amp on my own. This went on and on until I had nothing left and could order 100 copies of my cassette demo with photocopied covers. I was so demoralized by the time I was done that I just gave up and only sent out those 3 copies — and went back to sitting in my bedroom alone and being miserable. In the J-card, it actually said, “Dear World: It’s great to spend thousands of dollars so I can have all these cool tapes in my closet. This is a preemptive Fuck You.” It also had a coupon for Free Breakfast, which no one has ever redeemed. One day I was really depressed, sitting at my desk in my bedroom at my mom’s house and looked down and saw an interesting “Sepetys Entertainment Group” logo on an envelope, which was mashed under the leg of my chair and covered in pretzel crumbs. I opened it and couldn’t believe it. It totally mind-fucked me to realize it was a response from Steve Vai’s manager, Ruta Sepetys. When I got the letter, I didn’t even open it because I thought it was junk mail, and threw it on the floor along with the rest of the debris I collected. I can’t imagine how awful that would have been if I hadn’t realized it was a real letter and opened it. I called her immediately. She told me she loved my demo, and said that every year she collects a garbage bag full of guitar-shredder demos that are submitted to her. She told me she takes them home every Christmas and separates them into two piles, and that my cassette WAS the good pile. I couldn’t believe it. Imagine being told things like that, when you are a nobody, who works in a minimum wage job and can’t even afford a car. This song references several conversations we had on the phone over the years... She would say, “One day you will gain the respect of every musician on the planet.” I’d be siting there shitting my pants in shock. During another conversation she told me, “I saw Buckethead opening for Primus last Mr. Bungle’s Refund Policy. night and I totally thought he was a bad imitation of you.” So I said, “So why aren’t I opening for Primus?” and she said, “I don’t know, why aren’t you?” I said, “I don’t know, why aren’t I?” She repeated, “I don’t know, why aren’t you?” To this day, I don’t know why I am not opening for Primus, but I guess that rhetorical, circular conversation taught me to take the reigns and make something happen for myself. Ruta has always been there for me over the years 201



“I am tired of the music business and am looking to start a real career and be an adult.”

and has helped sort out a lot of music business stuff. She’d say, “Of course I know all about these things. That’s what makes me boring!” She was really the first person who was established in the music industry who came along and helped me out by believing in me, and she has been helping me ever since. She’d even stick up for me when my family, friends, boss, and girlfriend were trying to discourage me from continuing to do what I do. “Keep doing exactly what you are doing.” Anyway, it was such a huge deal 202

“OK, fuck that, I’m moving to California to get famous.”

for me to be this little nobody and to get a letter from her. For a long time I figured it all had to be some kind of practical joke that the universe was playing on me. I kept beating my head against the wall, wondering what it meant that someone in the music business was befriending me and being so supportive. Totally impossible, given my circumstance. It turns out that she was just my first introduction to being taken seriously, and I will always 203


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH Food Magnetizer (Words - LevelNivelo; Music - Mulch) Charles Dickens: Stewart McClain Erik The Red: Travis Niolet Announcer: Sir Millard Mulch This is just a mockery of new age medicine bullshit. On occasion, I have racked up hundreds of dollars by alternative medicine gurus who did ludicrous things, not any more ludicrous than this commercial. It’s amazing, the shit that rich Leftists will spend all their money on.

Me and Mark Critchley.

$100, Troll Music, 1995.

be indebted to her for that. When I listen to the chorus I always imagine it being me tap-dancing with a cane in her office, trying to get her to be my manager. I sent her all my demos / I recorded in my room / and pictures of my friends and I jumping around with brooms / this might be my ticket / I think this is for real / I’m heading to Los Angeles to get my record deal / Was it all an inside joke or something that I said? / Or am I just a really Bad Imitation of Buckethead / A kid from a small town who was so sheltered and so green / can’t live a normal life again / with what he’s heard and seen / She called me back last Tuesday / Just to say she’ll call me back / I must admit I pooped my pants and had a heart attack / She told me I’m a genius / But I must have been a dope / To think that I could open for a famous band on Interscope / By now I should have gained the praise of people near and far / Instead I still live with my mom / and can’t afford a car / I haven’t heard too much from her / I guess the plan fell through / I either lost my one big chance / Or none of it was true.

204

205



How To Quit Your Job And Make Millions! This is Tiffni Wegmann, doing a Not Necessarily The News / Weird Al / Saturday Night Live -type “splicing of questions and answers” with a stop-smoking tape, changing the context. I always thought it would be useful to have a tape about how to quit your day job and lose your fucking mind, Kaczynski-style. It’s freaky that this is really what it takes to be an entrepreneur, in the early stages. It defines the adventure and danger of running your own business and taking that leap.

The final triple-disc set of masters, ready for replication.

Sir Millard Mulch’s Olde Tyme Parade of Magickal Amusements! (Words - HisCheapMoves; Music - Mulch) By the end of the show, you will have magically been transported to some other place, perhaps one with a different band playing. However, the mystery of the missing $5 cover charge will HAUNT YOU TO YOUR DEATH! This will get Oingo Boingo / Danny Elfman fans excited. Maybe it could end up in a David Blaine documentary, since it mentions him. The audience clapping is a real audience I recorded clapping at me at the brownstone, a small bar in Sarasota, FL during an unplugged show Harold and I did. Some interesting things going on here, musically, with conflicting 2’s and 3’s in the rhythm section. The keyboard is in 5’s. The guitar is in strict 4’s. Sounds just disjointed enough to make you wonder what the hell is going on. The lyrics basically make fun of the fact that audiences always seem to slowly dematerialize when I perform. My supposed, “guitar solo” that is being built up throughout the song is finally materialized in a very cheesy, fake, midi-guitar note followed by me clearing my throat. I think that’s hilarious, and I am really only here to amuse myself. Fuck you. Now stand real still, my faithful fans / While I set up six guitar stands / I must insist there be no sound / For the helping spirits need be found / Come join in, the Magickal Parade / Each song, the finest ever made / You’ll fall into the deepest trance / We’ll never get a second chance / Silence! Quiet! I must tune! / The grand proceedings will start soon. / Now I will need a volunteer / Someone deaf, and without fear / Now don’t you move, o hapless one! / Or you’ll destroy our good clean fun / Look at your watch and note the time... / Where has this hour gone a-flying? / Oh, here it comes! Keep your eye on the lead / The blazing fire that comes with speed! / This man can set his guitar aflame! / He’s got more magic than David Blaine! / Don’t be impatient, good magic takes time / And we’ll get started when I see this band of mine / They’re probably somewhere getting paid / Getting drunk, or getting laid / And now we are ready! They’ve arrived, they are here / To proceed to make you, the audience, disappear / With a purple flash and choking white smoke / To a bar up the street where you’ll all get the joke. 206

207



From Selling Nothing To Selling Nothing (Words & Music - Mulch) The “kind buds” is the catch phrase you hear 50 times each block you walk of Haight Street, from pot salesmen. The guitar solo of this song is my favorite guitar solo I have ever constructed. It is totally Vai. In the lyrics, I wanted to show the parallels between homeless people in SF and salesman, and how begging for money is like making a sale and not delivering a product, and having no overhead. Kind of goofy and Sesame Street-ish. When I do that muppet voice, people think it’s cute and want to give me money. One block away and they’d all starve / From lack of clientele / There wouldn’t be no one to buy / The product that they sell / But what is it that they’re selling? / It’s nothing I can see / A thousand times recession proof / Than any industry / No overhead to think about / No rent or power bills / No need to look for customers / All day they just sit still / I’ll have to learn their secret / Maybe they can share / I dial phones all gosh darned day / It really isn’t fair / I really wish that I could sell a / CD here and there / Those homeless bums don’t even try to wash / Their slimy, matted hair / How can they get away with it? / They’re getting paid for that? / The guy’s a self-made millionaire? / The one with the ragg-ed hat? And The Merchants of Earth Shall Weep And Mourn (Words by Jehovah) Guest Vocalist: Paul Mazurkiewicz Paul was a real sport about doing this. I had been corresponding with him since way back in 1993 when I gave him my band’s demo at his show. What an odd connection to happen. I sent him a quote from Revelations and he just read it in a scary voice. I added samples of hell and people chanting. Shit From An Old Notebook (Words & Music - The Minutemen) I recorded William Maier III singing this late one night, then went back and added the music underneath it. D. Boon R.I.P. One of the other songs off the same Minutemen album (Double Nickels On The Dime) made it as the theme song to Jackass. I see more potential here for someone to exploit this gold mine. If I can get Mike Watt to start a side project with me, that’s instant indie cred, which will in turn maybe get me mentioned in a Rolling Stone review or something. Who knows? Let the products sell themselves! / Fuck advertising commercial psychology / Psychological methods to sell should be destroyed!

208

Figure 7: One of Many Unsuccessful Attempts at Sociokinesis. December 2004 - Brownstone Sandwich Shop, Sarasota, FL. Courtesy of W. Spoon. 209


THE ACCOMPANYING 222-PAGE COMPANION GUIDE BY SIR MILLARD MULCH The Modern Day Comparison Refuses To Die (Words & Music - Mulch) Here, fuckers. Here’s your token song about Zappa. This is all I have to say.

A love-note from Whitney.

I’m Just An Artsy Chick With An Acoustic Guitar (You Think) (Words & Music - Mulch) All of the keyboards on this were actually played by me on my cheap Yamaha PSR ca. 1995. This is a song about my experience working as a roadie for ani difranco for a day. She laid around in the sun while 13 staffed technicians and roadies loaded huge gear out of a semi and worked a 16 hour day making her show happen before driving to the next town. This song was originally much heavier but too harmonically stagnant for me to include. So I reworked it. Trey Spruance told me once the music business is a war / I guess sometimes it hard to know just what you’re fighting for / Creative compositions from the heart and stories told / Or publicity and image and reviews and piles of plastic sold / You think I’m just an artsy chick with an acoustic guitar / And that I drive around the country in my old beat up car / But I own a corporation, I’m a self-made millionaire / And I owe it all to a thing you hate called Laissez-faire / My royalties are really fucking big / How else could I afford this monstrous sound and lighting rig? / You think that all you have to do is sit around and write / If you do it all yourself, you best be ready for a fight / Cuz no one’s gonna help you figure out a brilliant plan / If you really want to win you better be a cunning business man / Your plastic things won’t sell themselves, you’ll have to make a stink / You’re competing with the people spending millions on N-Sync / The relationship between art & sales? Listen close my brother / Two sides of the same coin - one can’t exist without the other. Geophagyopathy and You! (Words & Concept by Mulch & LevelNivelo) Father, Floppy Uncle Fred, and Shocked Guests: William Maier III Johnny: David Crew Weird Lady: Sir Millard Mulch Once again, unnecessary brutality towards senior citizens. 210

I took my community action petition to the streets, guerilla-style!

To you he’s just a tribute show / But I know something you don’t know / The values and principles that you ignore / Honor the image but not what it stands for / how did he get there in the first place / The music or mustache and beard on his face / Shut up n’ play is correct you lame jerk / your own songs your own damn original work / Where is Disc III? / It’s not in the case where it should be / Something has gone terribly wrong / Erased from existence, or a lie all along? You don’t deserve to hear my “profound music.” Saleswoman Of The Year Nina Gordon said it best... Unknown Triumph (Schlegel) I think this is the only instrumental on the album, and it was composed by Christopher Schlegel. As a result, there is not a lot for me to say about it. However, he said the following: “In the process of developing my conceptual approach to using third inversions, I wrote this piece as my first complete application of these ideas. I think of it as a miniature musical ‘manifesto’ of how I use third inversions & extended harmonic structures.” And Now, The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For... This is an insane guy named Tony who lived in my apartment complex in Sarasota, Florida. He talked like Christopher Walken and literally washed his car all day long. Any time I drove through the parking lot, I’d stop and talk to him as he was washing the fucker. He could talk your ear off, too. Crazy. I had a song about him which did not make it on Yasmine, called, “Christopher Walken.” Here are the lyrics... 211



On my way to meet Christopher Guest!

he stands around and shows / He folds his towels so nice / It would make James F. Pitts cry / It’s not the greatest car but / Where’d he get the flow to buy? / People think I’m strange / But they haven’t met this dude / He won a major lawsuit / there was corn within his food

Outside Frank Zappa’s company, Intercontinental Absurdities.

He’s not the famous actor / Everybody imitates / He’s not the kind of guy to / leave his carwash to the fates / He doesn’t have a job / or friends or family that I’ve seen / He spends all day and night / to keep his car completely clean / He might be undercover / Sent by Masons to patrol / My neighborhood to find / The ancient secrets that I stole / What the hell’s he doing here / No one will ever know / He got a sparkling Saturn / That 212

The World’s Greatest Salesman! (Words - HisCheapMoves & Mulch; Music - Mulch) The preacher voice is Paul Hayes, a friend of mine who worked as a phone salesman for many years, and was a mentor of sorts. I wanted this song to be a sort of Pixies meets Guns & Roses “Civil War” meets Meatloaf / Celine Dion. The lyrics are great. Very interesting synchronicity that the cash register sample at the very beginning of the song is the same note as the first note of the song! A man tries to sell everything, including his soul, but can’t. There’s a Rage Against The Machine reference in the middle — showing that even “subversive, revolutionary” bands need to sell merch to make their millions. This is supposed to be sort of the rock-opera-style thing that assumes to put forth a regal, fireworks-filled ending to an album that really has no point at all. It seems to be saying that salesmen are evil, but not quite, so let’s all just stay confused and spiral into a Wachowski-style pseudo-transcendental stoner moment. The World’s Greatest Salesman, the best on the earth / Could sell anything to anyone but nothing of worth / the artists and inventors can all go rot 213



in hell / because the money and the glory go to those who can sell. / He went to hell and back and couldn’t make a red cent / because the devil wouldn’t buy a soul with such a big dent / He tried to patch it up but still the devil refused / too bad of wear and tear sustained from the career that he choosed / All of those who sell T-shirts - are the same who sell T-shirts.

Faxed Head tour, 2005.

You have made a Mockery of Sir Millard Mulch, and now Sir Millard Mulch will make a Mockery of YOU!

All Sales Finale! (Words & Music - Mulch) Voila! A rip-off of Rush’s Hemispheres. Kind of cosmic, and pretentious enough to draw people in for a second listening of the album.

Long & hard I wracked my brain / and came to this conclusion / art and sales and magic tricks / are all based on illusion. The Great Strength of our Professional Affiliations / How To Spend Music Industry Currency Devin originally recorded this for my Yasmine album. I decided to use it again, because 1.) I could have his name on the cover along with the rest of the famous people and 2.) it fit with the concept of, “I’m an artist and I shouldn’t have to work for a living.” Bankruptcy & Beyond! This is a message on my parents’ answering machine from Dan Destructo, ca. 1996. He was actually calling to get money for Truth Studios studio time while working on some demo or album, and Flail Tenacious’ real name is Devin. WoM Battle Theme (-$6,000) Will recorded this thing all improv, on his horrible terminator guitar with a battery and speaker built in. It was known as The L.I.V. Guitar, and he originally had all the names of the notes written on white sticker paper and stuck to each fret. I gave him cue cards with certain key phrases on it, points for him to hit. Terrible song. L.I.V was the only band that I ever got encored in. I thought it would be suitable to end the album on this. Shit, I’m out of pages. (To Be Continued?) 214

215



MutantMall office, August 2005.

These boxes of CDs sat here in my kitchen for months. They were supposed to be shipped to Revolver, but weren’t. Mimicry wouldn’t return my calls, so I decided to just release the album on my own.

216

217



218

219


“It was only real because we said it was real.” -John Flansburg, They Might Be Giants

220

HowToSell Book

Recommend Documents