mental scares aren’t a ‘ ‘ Deal, Because they leaD Big ‘‘ to great comeDy.
14 05 26
Be n Ben rosenfelD
“Dreams are meant to Be PursueD, not achieveD.”
DE C “We can hanDle most things if We take it moment By moment.”
2010
contents
tips
5 po & steady wins the race
Po Bronson
14
Best if viewed in Acrobat Reader.
cl l.
no Laughing matter
Ben Rosenfeld
26 the buddha within us
Sharon Salzberg
33 (e) motion of fear
Dr. Paul Eckman
Best viewed full screen.
Click above icon to go full screen.
fear.less Ishita Gpta
Pbisher
Ishita Gpta
Eectie Editr
adertisig [at] earessstries [dt] cm
Adertisig
Matt Atkis
Depty Editr
Katie Byre
Cpy Editr
Jas Ramire
Seir Desiger
l.
./l
acknowLedgments Fear.ess wd t eist witht r ctribtrs. We thak them r their time, geersity, ad wisdm. Y’re gie the imited right t prit ad distribte this magaie ad we ecrage y t share it. Y Y may t ater this i ay way thgh, ad y may t charge r it r r ay the ctet. The cpyright i this wrk begs t the pbishers, wh are sey respsibe r the ctet. A images sed with permissi ctribtrs. Pease sed eedback r estis t @l. @l... T sbscribe t the magaie r ree, g t ://.l..
./l
./l
5
“
There’s pa There’s pa bt t reaie y ca’tt d it the way thers hae ca’ de it. ”
PO & STEADY WINS WINS THE THE RACE Po BRonSon s a chid, I gt bad grades i a my Egish casses, ad did’t read a t bks, bt I dreamed beig a writer. I eer reay thght, thgh, that writ ig ad mey wet tgether. Grw ig p, my mm had a byried wh wated t be a writer. He was charmig, ad iteecta, ad wet thrgh times where he’d se sits at the departmet
A
6
I FElT A TREMEnDouS WEIGHT WHEn I REAlIzED I HAD HA D To TEll MY MoM I WAS WAS quITTInG MY JoB J oB To To WRITE. ”
I reaied I had t te my mm I was ittig my jb t write I thght I wd et her dw er msy.
“
stre t make mey, ad the perids time where he et he eeded ee ded t write ad wd’t hae mch mey at a. Smetimes my mm wd get s rstrated with it becase she was
keeping it reaL
a secretary, dirced, had three grwig bys t take care ; s she eeded eery pey. She cd’t hade haig smee ard wh cd’t pay their w way. S I grew p with
the ti that writers were pepe that my mm ed, bt wh brke her heart becase they were peiess. S, at 24, ater wrkig at a iestmet bak, I et a tremeds weight whe
The way a writer prepares r this ear metay is t say, “I’m t gig be sper sccess right away. I’m t gig t make mey r te years. It’s gig be a dii get, idstris hbby the side. I’m gig hd dw jbs dr ig the day ad I ca get i three t r hrs writig a ight. I’ seep ess.” S that’s that ’s what I did. I did’t see my rieds as mch as I wd’e iked drig this time, bt I made ew rieds wh
7 were writers dig the same thig. I became a bkkeeper at a sma pbishig cmpay ad atteded the eeig writig prgram at Sa Fracisc State uiersity. I did’t hae a isi
me see years t iish, ad i that time I had a writers grp, ad we wrte tgether ad hg t tgether. It was great t be wrkig hard
pepe, ad that pttig yrse i the right cir cmstaces ca prtect y. T sme etet, it pshed me away rm my amiy r abt te years.
pbished stries. I thik they et, “Why is he hd ig himse back rm dig smethig ese, smethig better r the wrd?”
pishig r crat as a grp, witht kwig where it wd ead.
It was hard r them t watch me d that, ad it was hard r me t be ard them becase I’d say, “I’m a writer,” bt t hae a t t shw r it bt a ew shrt
A the whie I kept writ ig I thght, “This is what the ie a writer is.” is.” Trthy, Trthy, r the ast majrity writers, this is what ie is, ad it’s a pret ty gd ie. It’s creatie
I PREPARED MYSElF To noT ExPECT GloRY. ”
“
makig great mey, ad I prepared myse t t epect gry. I kew I had t wrk my writig, ad thght gettig maybe e bk t ad jst iig as a writer, bt I was sti wrkig time. The writig prgram tk
My arite ess is that y eed t srrd yrse with ikemided
8 ad prdctie– y’re t jst a csmer – y’re y’re bserig sciety ad y’re prdcig thigs. Y’re serig yr art rm ad y be iee i yr art rm, ad that’s a icrediby great rietati. S, that’s a I eer thght was gig t happe. Eery writer, thgh, harbrs a sma pipe dream the side. 2% me thght, “Sre, I’ write a bk that may actay get pbished, which pepe wi act ay read.” I did sae s ae a itte itt e hpe r that.
the kingmaker editor Frm my jb at the pb ishig hse, I reaied that bk editrs did’t wat mre the same
st that they’d aready pbished. They hae was mascripts that are perecty accm pished writig, bt that are’t geiey ecitig r ie. That’s what editrs are desperate r.
“
pheme!” Editrs ad bk pbishers ad pepe i the idstry, they’re t kigmakers. They’re simpy pepe wh hae chse a ie path, aware that they cd hae prbaby bee
IF You You HAvE A JEAlouS PERSPECTIvE PERSPEC TIvE , THEn You’RE MISSInG THE CHAnCE To lEARn A SERIouS lESSon. ” We thik bk edi trs as these kigmakers, pepe wh p t a bk ad decare, “I’m g ig gie this writer a t mey ad te eery bdy it’s great ad watch it becme a seiig seiig
mre iaciay secre smewhere ese, bt wh dream the day whe a mascript cmes t their desk, ad they’ hep with the discery smethig geiey i terestig ad resh. That’s
the rea metaity edi trs. I y hae a jeas per spectie, that y’re ei s the bestseers be case y thik, “They’e jst w the ttery, t me,” me,” ad y’re reset re set twards them, the y’re missig the chace t ear a seris ess. Cmpetitie ad jeas writers ser bcks t their abiity t ear rm ther pepe’s sccess; “What abt that bk made it wrk?” “What abt that bk made pepe ike it?” Y hae t write sme thig dieret ad i atie. atie. oce I bega t derstad that, it was’t a d t makig sme thig cmmercia. It was a d t takig greater risks i what I wrte. It
9 meat gettig mre i terestig materia, writig abt sbjects pepe had’t cered bere, creatig ew geres e ery time I pt pe t pa per. I bega dig ra st ryteig, ad writig i a back cmedy way, eprig hmr. I be ga deaig with absrd ism, ad tried t gie my writig mre ice, ad stepped tside my cmrt e. The e day I iay iished my e, gt a aget, ad he sd it. I bega t see that the wrd was rewardig me r takig mre risks i my e, t ess. I et that the pbishers, the bsi ess, were sayig t me, “D’t tr dw yr creatiity – tr it p! Be mre igeis. G r
it! Trst yrse! yrse ! Take creatie risks!” That’s hw I’e ctied t perate sice the, ee whe I started writig jraism, icti, ad scia dcmetary. dcmetary. I ked r where I cd psh myse creatiey.
I BEGAn To SEE THAT THA T THE TH E WoRlD WAS REWARDInG ME FoR TAKInG MoRE RISKS. ”
“
you can’t do it their way May pepe, especiay writers, thik the way t becme smethig is t brwse r imitate the pepe abe y. That’s t accrate. Y’e gt t deier smethig resh ad ew. Be ae. We eed t i ate rsees t this ecmic he we’e dg, ad reaie that i we keep dig the same thig, the ecmy’s gig t
keep gig dw. We a eed t eeate the risks we take, be mre earess, ad reaie that we wi be rewarded i we d s. This wi hep s ercme r atra tedecy t be cgged with ear. There’s pa bt t reaie that y ca’t d it the way ther pepe hae de it. Y hae t d it yr w way, chaege yrse t d smethig ew. There’s sti ear rejecti ad bad reiews, bt isteig t them w’t get y ar. Writers wh sed their stries t iterary jr as ad are aways sb mittig, they’re the es wh get reay gd at hadig rejecti, wh are baaced whe they d hae sccess. I spet years mig step
10
THEY SToPPED ConSTAnTlY ConSTAnTl Y TRYInG TRY InG To lEARn, SToPPED SAYInG, SA YInG, “I’M GoInG Go InG To KEEP WRITInG AnD KEEP SuBMITTInG AnD GETTInG GET TInG THRoWn THRoWn AGAInST THE T HE WAll. WAll. ”
“
by step, jst earig ad the mig . Y’re bmmed r a day, bt y d’t jst stp. Whe I irst started gettig re jecti etters, I reaied phisphicay, phisphicay, “This is a way ie.” ie.” It’s a habit, e that a writer has t igrai i their ie. nw, I hae a iestye where I d’t cmpetey thrw myse it my wrk. I’m with my wie ad kids eeryday. I pay sccer,
see my rieds, ad ie a werded ie that restres me, makes me happy. I kw it brigs me back t rma, espe ciay whe I get criticism, r pepe say egatie thigs abt me that I ca’t d aythig abt.
muLtipLe paths I hae acaitaces
wh’e had eary sccess, r what ked t be ast sccesses witht a pe rid cstat rejecti. oce that hit, they bega t imitate their w wrk, askig hw pbishers wi ike them agai, try ig t trigger that re ease dpamie i the brai that cmes rm praise, rather tha try ig t stretch themsees creatiey. They stpped cstaty tryig t ear, stpped sayig, “I’m g ig t keep writig ad keep sbmittig ad get tig thrw agaist the wa. nt a it’s gig t wrk, ad I’m gig t reaie whe it’s wrk ig ad t wrkig, ad whe it wrks I’m gig t r with it ad cce trate.” Part what we eed t d is t hae a pa
where x happes er ight. Whether y’re a etrepreer r a artist r a scietist r wrkig r a case that matters. Y might ed p takig the ast track, bt mst pepe g the sw track, ad that’s statisticay what we’re mre ikey t take. Ad i y happe t get the ast track, that’s great, bt pepe hae the idea, “I’m g ig take a year ad write a e, ad the I’ g back t beig a egieer. egiee r.” I thik, “Re “Re ay? The y d’t wat t be a eist.” I had a ried wh was a dctr, ad whe he was dig his itership, wrte a amaig amt. The he it beig a dctr t becme a writer, ad he wrte y a hr a day ad wrked his hse. Whe writig was rbid
11 de, ad pepe td him, “n writig whe y’re here,” it made it temptig ad . Bt whe he was td, “Y “Y hae t write yr e, w, y’re ctract,” it was a e tirey dieret thig. I see writers sabtage them sees a the time. lg pieces writig reire a kid sstaied e rt that shrt es w’t prepare y r. Sme pepe ca reay kcke dw ad ther pepe ca’t. Y shd hae m tipe paths t the same destiati, a which take dieret times. The ast might get y there icky, bt the sw ad medim rads teach y dieret thigs that wi hep y whe y get there. At sme pit i time, eerye has t
ear thse esss, ad earig them i pbic is embarrassig. Better t ear bere y get there.
the fantasy bubbLe
“
THE BIGGEST PRIoRITY IS THAT THAT You Don’T Don’ T InTEnTIonAllY SABoTAGE SABoT AGE YouRSElF BY BuIlDInG In DISTRACTIonS. ”
My way dig it, ac tay writig, is t g it a cset. I drp the kids, cme t wrk rm 9 t 5 ad write, the I pick them p ad d the same thig day ater day ater day. I ie my regar ie tside wrk. The big gest pririty is that y d’t itetiay sab tage yrse by bidig i distractis, which is s cmm. Right at the mmet whe y’re abt t tch the thig y wat – there’s a distracti that keeps y rm it. Psychgi
12 cay, cay, e recgies that whe thigs are dreams yrs, they’re ike a age yr shder. Whe y begi t make them a reaity, there’s mre atasy bbbe that y’e thght as yr imagiary ried, yr trsted cmpai r s g. Mst pepe d’t wat t gie that p becase it’s a ery cm rtig atasy t hae. T prse yr dream ad make it a reaity is basica y sayig yr imagiary ried is gig t becme a rea thig, ad geeray y see it as ake, r ish, r siy. That’s icred iby risky. Ad a t pepe, right that erge, tr back, becase they ike it better t hae their imagiary ried tha a rea ried. It’s ike a ie year d kid,
wh pays at hme i a imagiary wrd, maybe with swrds, r G.I. Jes r baby ds, ad they’re payig t a rea sce ari i their mids, bt i y were watchig, y’d reaie it was imagiary pay. nw, the kid wd be embarrassed t d that i rt his rieds, bt at hme, he ca et g. The iric thig is, is that a his rieds are dig the same thig i their hmes, t. It’s a shame t ee se cscis abt a adi ece seeig iside yr iterir wrd. That same prcess ettig g, imagiary pay, is what creatie pepe ad ispired pepe ad e trepreers g thrgh whe they tr their dreams it reaity. It’s grada, t istat, ad
it’s t a easy psych gica jrey at a. S ctre is s impr tat, t srrd yrse with yr rieds ad ikemided pepe. Y ca d a tech startp i Siic vaey, bt d it smewhere ese, ad pepe wi agh. Y eed t be ard pepe wh thik it’s kay. Jst ike a ie year d eeds t be ard parets wh say, “Yes, “Yes, g pay with yr GI Je! Preted it’s a tba battai!” ad ecrage that, ee cm rtabe with that.
“
art vs. money oe thig I kw r sre is that the adiece t there, i my case, it was bk editrs, d’t wat y t take ess risk. They wat y t be mre dar ig mre tha y thik. It’s the wrst mistake t thik there’s a trade betwee creatiity ad cmmerciaism. uder the d, steretypica res, pepe thght that dig the same thig er ad er agai made y a mii bcks, bt
CulTuRE IS So CulTuRE IMPoRTAnT, To SuRRounD YouRSElF WITH YouR YouR FRIEnDS AnD lIKEMInDED PEoPlE. ”
13 i y were creatie, y died peiess. I kw this becase I kw the etrepreers that take cmpaies pbic, the bk editrs, teeisi prdcers ad agets, ad these are a my rieds, pepe I’e
wrked with. I’e bee dig this r twety years, ad I ca te y, r certai, that it’s a ase trade betwee risk ad ack sccess at e ed the spectrm, ad saety ad cmmercia sccess at the ther ed. Sre, there are prjects
ike that, bt that’s t the wrd I ie i r ay e ese I kw ies i. Sre, there are bckbst ers ike that ad thrier writers wh write ike that, bt r the ast ma jrity pepe, it’s the ther way ard. The system wats y t psh
PO po bronson is a sccess eist ad writer arratie fcti. He’s pbished fe bks, ad has writte writ te r teeisi, magaies, ad ews papers, icdig Time, The new Yrk Times ad The Wa Street Jura . He writes regary r new Yrk Magazie ad The Guardia i the uK. P’s bk scia dcmetary, what shoul i do wth my Lfe? was a #1 new Yrk Times bestseer. He’s bee oprah, ad ded t s f w’ g w’ g ,, a cperatie wrkspace r writers ad fmmakers. His recet bk nurtureshock , is a cabrati with Ashey Merrima kig at the backfrig mder sciety’s rtrig chidre de t erked sciece.
yrse, yrse, be risky, master yr crat ad gie the wrd yr git. I id it ttay wrg t imag ie a ecmic cse ece t beig darig ad creatie.
14
“
I thik i smee is mtiated egh, they’ achiee what they wat. ”
NO LAUGHING MATTER An InTERvIEW WITH BEn RoSEnFElD
I
(Ishita) met Be at a eet where he asked a esti abt the eergy it takes t cmmit t smethig y’re passiate abt. He did’t seem t hae trbe takig i rt a crwd,
15 s I was’t srprised t ear he was a practicig cmedia. I asked Be t tak t me abt his ears as a perrmer ad his chice t eer rm the “traditia” pressia track t prse his pas si. Here’s Be, straight rm the heart. Have you Had more fearful pHases of your life tHan otHers? during tHat tHat time, wHat Helped or Hindered you in your development?
I ee I’e had ear e perieces ad eets, bt I’e bee cky egh t t hae a phase my ie where I’d wake p ad g t seep i ear. Whe a eet cases ear (ike a arge crwd, r sme
e imprtat watchig my perrmace) I remid myse that this is what I wat t d with my ie, ad that I’ be ie ce I get p there. I my ie wrk, it’s imprtat t be i the mmet. Sme times I get eres bere I get stage, bt I’m say ie as s as I get stage. The weird est thig that happes, is I’ ee ie, my ice ad acia epressis wi be ie, bt my had wi be a itte shaky rm adreaie. I’e eared t tr that weakess it a stregth; i it’s reay isibe, I’ make a jke “Ww, my had is shak ig. I’m t ers, I jst rgt t hae my whis key this mrig.” do you ever feel tHe fear of just starting, wHicH
16 is also commonly accompanied by tHe fear of failure?
Eery jb I’e eer had, I’e had irst day eres. The irst day tba practice i high sch I had eres, same with my irst day cege, same with my irst day i the “rea wrd” as a cstat, ad with my irst time stage. I wd’t ca it i t ear. I’d ca it ers eergy ad adreaie. T me ear ies the chace beig physicay hrt. Meta scars are’t a big dea becase they ead t great cmedy. (Sme e mch better at cm edy tha me ce said, “cmedy = pai + time”.) time”.) I sed t be araid t c ide with smee r ig at me at speed
MEnTAl SCARS AREn’T A BIG DEAl BECAuSE THEY lEAD To GREAT CoMEDY. ”
“
drig tba, bt ater it happeed by accidet a ew times, I started t ike
it. I thik this is a gd aagy r meta ears. lea it it, et it hit y a ew times, y’ get kcked dw, get back p ad reaie y’re ie. Whe I did kickbig, I eared a techie steppig it smee’s kicks ad pches. This stes the bws becase y absrb them bere they gai mmetm. I try treatig ear the same way, I step it it. The ams impriser De Cse had a say ig, “Fw the Fear.” I y’re araid dig smethig, d it as s as pssibe. The mre y thik abt it, the mre y’ tak yrse t dig it. Ad the y’ regret it. I thik ear aire ca be gd, as g as it’s
“
lEAn nTo IT, lET IT HIT You A FEW TIMES, You’ll GET KnoCKED DoWn, GET BACK uP AnD REAlIzE You’RE FInE. ” t a parayig ear. I eer wat t bmb stage, bt I id that e ery ce i a whie, I e jy “bmbig” r t get tig aghs. It makes me hgrier ad wat t get right back p there. This
17 is a sma aire thgh, I y ai i rt 20 t 60 pepe at a time. It’d be dieret i my whe career ais. Bt I kw it w’t ai, it’s mre hw g it’ take. I ejy the prcess thgh, s I’m t i a rsh. Besides, i y ear rm yr mistakes, it’s t reay aiig, it’s gettig a ed cati. It’s abt hw y k at thigs. I’m wrk ig t carig abt hw I d. I try t say what I id y ad t wrry t mch abt the a diece. I I’m haig ad ejyig it, they start ejyig it. That’s t t say I cmpetey igre their reacti, bt I d’t thik abt it bere r drig the shw. oy whe I aaye my perr mace aterwards. I hae’t had ay big sc
cesses t be ear , bt I ike t thik that I w’t hae this. I’m s ied i the day t day prcess, which is the y thig I ca ctr, that the sc
r whe pepe actay wat t see me. I’m tryig t bid a the isticts I eed t bid i adace, s that whe psh cmes t she, I ger eed
egatie ice tryig t cice me I d’t de sere it, I’ hae tagibe eidece t te myse dierety. “o crse I desere this, I’e bee pttig i 18 hr days r the past ie years t get t this pit.” we distract ourselves wHen we feel fear, wHicH can become Habitual. do you ever find yourself distracting yourself from sometHing overwHelming or scary?
cess thig des’t bther me. I’e bee gig t ts aditis atey, t becase I’m ready r the aditis, bt s that I’m aready prepared ad sed t aditiig
t thik. I thik ear sccess cmes rm a pace isecrity ad beieig that y d’t desere smethig. That’s That’s e reas I wrk my ass . Ee i I hae sme
I hae a weeky cmedy sketch writig grp, ad I sped a week thikig hw g ad hw hard it’s ga be t write smethig, ad the the mrig the grp, I sit dw ad write ie r
18 see sketches i der tw hrs. The hardest part is startig. Jst te ig yrse, y rse, “kay, “kay, it ’s time. I gtta d this. I’m t dig aythig ese ti this is de.” I sti ight this distracti te decy eery day, bt I’m gettig better. better. nw I tr y t make my distractis prdctie. I was araid r writig this artice, bt istead watchig Tv I spet my “distracti” time creatig adertisig ad eet iites r my weeky cmedy shw. I wd preer that I jst wrte this, bt at east my distracti ed t me dig smethig ese that’s se. Y ee wrse i y et the git get t y. Y ca get i a terribe cy ce. It’s abt acceptig what’s what’s de ad is de
ad jst gettig with yr ie. It’s ike, “okay, I threw yesterday away, bt that des’t mea I eed t d it tday. let’s d tw days wrth wrk tday.”
“
SAMuRAI
WARRIoRS uSED To MEDIATE ABouT THEIR IMPEnDInG DEATH EvERY DAY FoR An HouR. ”
fear often leaves us witH a scarcity mentality. How do you Handle tHis feeling of lack or “less tHan” wHen you feel fear?
It’s s easy t get it a scarcity metaity. This deiitey happes with jkes. I get araid sme e might take my jkes, r they’ stp beig y, r I’ reaie that y 20 secds a 3 mite jke wrk, bt I’m araid t get rid the ther 2 mites 40 secds be case that’s a t time
materia I jst st. That’s scarcity. I’e bee wrkig cicig myse that I’ aways cme p with mre ma teria. Samrai warrirs sed t mediate abt their impedig death eery day r a hr. I try t mediate abt t beig abe t d ay my crret jkes. Whe I imagie this, I istaty thik that I’ write ew jkes, s that cams the aiety egies. Imagi ig the wrst case scear i ad the thikig p stis t the sceari ca keep yr ears at bay. Jst d’t sped t mch time dig this! I waked away rm a high payig jb t a w pay ig PhD prgram ad my ried said “I d’t kw i I cd hae eer waked away rm that mch
19 mey,” mey,” ad I was ike “I ca aways id ather high payig jb” ad he said “It’s great that y’re cmig rm a pace abdace.” nw I’m get g et tig paid $30 a ight a gd ight ad kw I’ id a way t pay bis be re my saigs r t. I y gie mre tha y get, y aways receie mre. wHere do you tHink tHe line is between getting support from otHers and building up your own inner strengtH?”
Whe I eeded spprt the mst, I gt it rm the pace I east epected it. last year, I decided t drp t gradate sch t y cs cmedy. I was miser
abe i gradate sch ad the y time I’d ee gd was stage. Bth my parets ad my dad’s parets were ery pset. It especiay hrt hw pset ad spprtie my dad was. (He’s cme ard sice, bt my mm ad gradparets hae’t.) My mm’s ather rm Germay caed me tw days ater my deci si, ad he’d jst had dbe bypass srgery, ad he said “Y kw, I prbaby shd’t say this, bt I thik y’re makig the right deci si.” That reay rea y meat s mch t me. I kew I’d be kay ee i bdy spprted my decisi, bt ee w I tear p thikig abt hw mch thse wrds meat t me at that pit. Spprt is imprtat. It’s t eces sary t d smethig, bt
20 it certaiy heps make thigs easier. wHat’s tHe most effective tHing someone can do wHen tHey feel fear?
Start with deep breaths. The treat the ear thghts as impartia ad iterestig st that’s atig i ad t yr brai ad t as part yr ier beig. I thik it’s a Bddhist techie. Cmedy is abt hesty. I y’re reay ers, y ca ackwedge it, as g as y make a jke ater. A gd ried mie starts her rtie with, “I’m reay ers beig here, I’m t sed t beig stage witht a pe.” She gets ers, bt she trs it it a adatage. I gt s mch
rm readig The 50th law ad e the big gest esss was, “There’s gd r bad, there’s jst thigs that happe ad y ca chse hw y et it aect y.” Y ca tr aythig it a psitie. Whe y’re startig i cmedy, y eed t brig rieds t shws t get stage. I did’t hae may rieds i new Yrk becase I had jst med s it gt me t be mre creatie. I passed t iers i Times Sare r stage time, which heped me get er my ear takig t strag ers. Whe y’re gettig rejected 2,000 times a hr, it stps beig a big dea. That’s ather thig with ear, i y d a actiity egh, y stp beig araid it. or y’re at east abe t
21 maage it ad t et it becme erwhemig. Fear y ccrs whe y d’t kw what a sitati wi be ike. How do you relate to fear now vs. before? Have your fears cHanged?
I sed t be araid be ig ae, w I’m araid beig with smee. I’e see hw mch wrk it takes t becme sc cess i my idstry ad I’m araid i I get a sigii cat ther I care abt, ad sacriice r, it wi impede my career, ad the I’ reset them r it. There’s pety sccess cmedias wh are married r i steady rea tiships, s this is prb aby me tryig t jstiy my crret iestye ad
I TRul TR ulY Y BElIEvE THE BEST ME IS AT A MuCH HIGHER lEvEl THAn THE CA C ATEGoRIES SCHool oR lARGE WoRKPlACES HAvE SET uP FoR uS. ”
“
wi chage with time. wHat would you say your greatest fear is?
My greatest ear is t pttig i a the ert I cd pssiby pt i. Fr the irst 24 years my ie I haassed my way thrgh eerythig. I’d aways d the bare miimm t get a A i sch, bare miimm t make it k ike I was a great wrker, etc. Sme wd say, “Y were sti shtig r the best.” Bt I was’t tryig t be the best me, I was jst tryig t get it the tp cat egry that smee ese had set. I try beiee the best me is at a mch higher ee tha the cat egries sch r arge wrkpaces hae set p r s.
nw I wat t d eery thig pssibe t be as y a cmedia as I ca be eery day. At the same time I’m araid my haassig habits wi cme back. I ight it e ery day. The past three mths I’e bee writig 3 tebk pages eery mrig whe I wake p. I ee this heps keep the aiess at bay. I I’e writ te three pages bere brshig my teeth, I’e aready gt the mme tm agaist aiess r that day. wHat wHat single Habit Helps you stay in a positive consciousness?
Writig eery mrig. My jb is t bsere, write, perrm ad pr mte what I d. By writ ig eery mrig I start
22 the rest the prcess. As, r the past 6 weeks I’e bee takig a ama ig impr cmedy cass with Ai Farahakia. His whe cs is aways beig psitie i yr re spse t aythig yr “ scee parters thrw at y. He’ hae s red the scee where we are psitie abt a egatie eet that jst happeed ad eerye sees hw this makes the scee mch ier ad mre eectie. This has reay bee iecig my ie tside cmedy. How Have you dealt witH a great cHallenge or fear in your life?
Drppig t gradate sch was my biggest ear. Fr 24 years my
ie I was a immacate resme bider ad get tig a ride t Catech t get a PhD was the cherry that resme. The midde cass path t
hae ee ge t grad sch. I thik it was jst a ecse t it a we payig jb I cd’t stad dig aymre. I the smmer bere
KnoWInG THAT THAT EvEn Ev En IF EvERYonE In THE WoRlD THouGHT I WAS WAS BEInG BE InG A CoMPlETE IDIoT BY THRoWI THR oWInG nG AWAY THIS THI S GREAT GREA T oPPoR oPPoRTunIT TunITY Y, THAT THA T I WoulD STIll Do IT, TH THA AT WAS WAS THE T HE ulTIMATE lIGHTnESS. ” sccess was mie t be had i I jst stck thrgh ie years gradate sch. Bt I kew I shd’t
sch started, I was te ig my amiy that as s as I was gettig paid the same amt mey t d cmedy as gradate sch was
payig me, I was ittig. Y shd’t g it a pressi whe y a ready hae yr terms r ittig, ad thse terms d’t ie that pres si i the east. Y ca er me a hdred mi i dars ad I’ sti be gettig stage eery ight. I’ sti pass t i ers r stage time. I d’t care. I ercame my ear by reaiig, there’s bdy wh cd te me, “I thik y made the wrg decisi” r “I disappre” that wd get me t chage my mid. That’s whe I kew I had t d it. Kwig that ee i eerye i the wrd thght I was beig a cmpete idit by thrwig away this great pprtity, that I wd sti d it, that was
23
You GoTT GoT TA Do D o WHAT WHAT You lovE, BuT Bu T You You HA H AvE To REAlIzE REAlI zE THInGS TAKE TAKE TIME, AnD THERE’S GonnA BE oBSTAClES In TH T HE WA WAY Y. ”
“
the timate ightess. Right the, I kew I’d be strg egh t make it thrgh the criticism ad tgh patches. It’s s easy t be egatie ad sht dw smee ese’s dreams. Aytime smee tes me their dreams, I try t be sp prtie, ee i I’m t sre they shd d it. I thik i smee is m tiated egh, they’ achiee what they wat. Ad maybe y ecr agig them whe they’re t mtiated wi hep
them their path. I ackwedge ear bt I d’t thik it’s a ctr ig rce my ie. A thgh as I started typig this setece, smethig td me “y d’t ee ike typig aymre” s I gess that meas I was araid aswerig this y. I was the sta dard path t sccess rm eemetary sch p thrgh gettig a “tp” jb cmig t as a dergradate dergradate ad gettig paid t get a PhD rm
a “tp” gradate sch. s ch. The I gt the resme ad credetia trai, ad am w csed d ig what I e. I d’t gie a shit i bdy is impressed by it. I kw i the grad scheme thigs teig jkes des’t make a hge di erece i pepe’s ie, bt I ee I’m makig a sma dierece eery time I’m stage. nt that a my jkes are s per high brw, I eed t ear hw t be csis tety y irst, the I’ wrk beig smart ad y. I wat t be kw as a smart cmedia, bt t pretetis smart where y hae t kw bscre reereces t get my jkes. I wat t be smart r regar pepe. wHat’s wHat’s sometHing you’ve learned
along your pa patH tH tHat you know is true - a fact?
Y hae t d what y e. Passi, patiece, perseerace. That’s my mtt. It’s by my cmpt er. Y Y gtta d what y y e, bt y hae t rea ie thigs take time, ad there’s ga be bsta ces i the way. I y ca ejy mig the bsta ces ad ejy the path, the sccess wi be there eetay. I aways kew I’d be sccess i what eer it was I chse t d, bt it tk me a g time t igre t what I act ay wated t d. oce I started dig it, I ed it. Ad w it’s where a my eergy is gig. This is why I wrte a ebk “Hw T Fid Yr Pas si.” I’e met hdreds taeted pepe wh
24 hae itte idea what they wat t d with their ies. I wat them t eash their ptetia, ad I hpe my eperieces ca hep them. The ther thig I’e eared is t stp tryig t impress ther pepe. Figre t what yr i er beig wats t d
ad cs that. That’s hw y reay impress thers. wHat are you most looking forward to in 2011?
Wakig p eery day ad watig t get t bed t d the creatie thigs I wat t d, ad
t becase I hae t get p t be smewhere at a certai hr. D’t get me wrg, I sti ree ace sme cmedy wrk t pay bis, bt it’s der my ctr ad I d’t eed t sit i a cbice r 12 hrs a day preted ig t be bsy. Fr eampe, I was sht
BEN b rl is a new Yrk City based cmedia ad mtiatia speak er. His passi is stad p cmedy. He perrms impr, writes ad perrms sketch cmedy ad rs a l that icdes hep hits r ew cmedias, ide crities his perrmaces ad iteriews with ther cmics. Be is as the athr a ree eBk caed “h t f y p .” Bere reaiig his passi r cmedy, Be was the midde cass path t “sccess” “sccess”. He wrked as a maagemet cstat r a Frte 500 cmpay, cmpay, Accetre, ad atteded a PhD prgram i nerecmics at Catech a scharship.
ig a ide a ew ights ag ti three i the mrig ad I wke p at 8am witht a aarm cck becase I was s ecited t start editig the ide. I eer had this kid eergy ad ecite met bere I made my majr ie chage.
sHare
Share this with my friends.
sign up
Got this from a friend? Sign up for free here.
26
“
We ca trai r mids s whe adersity arises, arises, we are’t are’t immersed i it. ”
THE BUDDHA WITHIN WITHIN US US SHARon SAlzBERG I irst heard abt Bddhist teachigs whie I was a sphmre at the State uiersity new Yrk. I tk a Asia phi sphy crse that taght me tw etremey imprtat esss. First, whe I saw a Bd dha image i its sacred ctet t i a seir shp i new Yrk it seemed that he was a cmpetey itegrated hma beig, ad that I was ery ragmeted.
I
27 At this pit, I had a ready sered a great dea i my ie. I had ied with my parets ti they gt dirced whe I was r, the I ied with my mther ti she died whe I was ie, ad the
me. I et etremey is ated. S t hae Bddha be cmpetey araid ad ashamed t ac kwedge the serig i ie, t hae him say t d, “There is serig i ie,” ie,” iberated me.
To HAvE HAvE BuDDHA BuD DHA BE CoMPlETElY unAFRAID AnD unASHAMED unA SHAMED To To ACKnoWlEDGE THE SuFFERInG In lIFE lIBERA lIBER ATED ME. ”
“
I ied i ie cmpetey dieret amiy cig ratis by the time I wet t cege. ne this was eer reay spke abt, s my eeigs ear ad ager ad sr rw were jst kept iside
The ther pita ess was that he set a pe iitati t d sme thig abt serig that whie circmstaces cd’t cd’t be erased, there are ways that we idetiy with thse circmstaces
28 “
AnYBoDY CAn Do IT, noT JuST SPECIAl oR luCKY PEoPlE. ” ad harde ard them with a image r sees; Ad we beiee this image is capabe ery itte. This pai meta cstrcti is the ieitaby wed p by may mre aw thghts ad eeigs.
The Bddha said stp, wait: there are ts, ike meditati, that we ca reay d smethig with. Aybdy ca d it, t jst specia r cky pe pe, r pepe a certai backgrd. I my jir
year cege I wet thrgh a idepedet stdy prgram at the i ersity, ad wet t Idia t ear hw t meditate. I eded p gig back ater the rigia trip be case I wated t sped the rest my ie there! Bt shrty bere cm ig back t the States r a shrt isit, I saw e my teachers i Cactta, a etrardiary wma wh had edred great serig. She had st her tw chidre ad her hs bad ery sddey ad she was s griestricke
that a dctr td her she wd actay die a brke heart ess she did smethig abt her mid ad eared t meditate. S she iteray crawed t bed ad p the tempe stairs t meditate, ad reached a prd ee re aiati ad peess. I aways csidered her a ermsy cmpas siate pers. She was s aware r er abiity ad the ragiity
ay gie mmet that she radiated e ad kidess tward eery e she ectered. ectered. She ispired me t se my serig as a srce stregth istead shame. Whe I isited her t say gdbye, she said, “Whe y g back t the States, y’re gig t be teach ig.” I said, “n I w’t”
29 becase I cd’t imag ig I had the aities ecessary t teach. Bt she said, sa id, “Yes “Yes y wi”. wi”. I kept sayig , bt she kept sayig yes. She said, “Y reay derstad serig. That’s why y shd teach.” That was a tremeds bessig r me. utimatey, it’s hw I came back t the States t start teachig.
“
ouR SoCIETY IS STRAnGE - DEATH DEATH IS SEEn SE En lIKE A HuMIlIATInG PERSonAl FAIluRE. ”
tunneL vision Meditatie aities eed t be ctiated ike a edcati. We ca trai r mids s that whe adersity arises, we derstad it, bt we are’t immersed i it. That gies s sme space. It’s a big thig t kw what we’re eeig as we’re eeig it, t 15 cseetia
actis ater. or rdi ary tedecy is t be sbsmed by ear, ad hate bth r eeigs ad rsees r haig them, which is a ery de strctie c yce. Treatig yrse with mre r
gieess ad kidess t keep yrse rm beig erwhemed by ega tie eeigs is critica t the meditatie prcess. I Bddhist psychgy, psychgy, ear ad ager are tw
rms the same state mid ager beig e pressie ad eergied, ad ear beig withdraw ad re. They bth c apse it a te isi that imits e’s sese pssibiity ad creates a sesati pweress ess. Whe y ackw edge pssibiity ad say “I d’t kw what’s gig t happe, happe ,” y escape rm that te seem igy terribe certaity. This appies t the hgey dmiat ear death. or sciety is strage death is see ike a h miiatig persa ai re. We idetiy s mch with r bdies that the thght ettig g a we’re amiiar with is ite scary. Bt i may spirita traditis, the reecti death is a me twards kidess
30 ad perspectie. I we re maied cscis the trth that we are a gig t die, it wd perhaps be a better wrd.
handLing the moment We me thrgh ad erse trasitis stepby step. oce, I was teachig
IT’S A BIG THInG To KnoW WHAT WE’RE FEElInG AS WE’RE FEElInG IT. ”
“
with a ried mie at the Isight Meditati Sciety ad it was her eeig t gie a tak. She taked abt hw twety years bere she had cme t her irst re treat there ad she had bee isaey restess. She came t see me ad asked, “Has aye eer died restessess?” I said, “nt rm jst e mmet it.” it.” I thght, that’s a gd aswer! We ca hade mst thigs i the mmet. The trbe is whe we start csi datig r wrries ad imagiig hw terribe it wi ee tmrrw ad that there’s way t. Whe we d’t d this we ca hade ee ery strg ad terribe thigs. Rememberig that is t easy, ad it heps t hae ispirig igres ad a cmmity ad spprt
ie pepe ard that ca remid s.
chiLL out, Lucy oce, whe a ried reted a hse r s r a retreat, I waked it my rm ad smee had et a Peats cmic strip the desk. I the irst rame lcy is takig t Charie Brw ad she says, “oh Charie Brw, the prbem with y is that y’re y.” y.” Charie Brw says, “We what i the wrd ca I d abt that?” I the ia rame lcy says, “We, I d’t preted t be abe t gie adice, I ca merey pit t the prbem.” Smehw, wheeer I did wakig meditati by that desk, my eye wd
I DIDn’T FREAK ouT ou T ABouT IT. I JuST nEEDED To RECoGnIzE IT, AnD BE AMuSED. ”
“
a that ery ie: “The prbem with y is that y’re y.” y.” That has bee sch a dmi at ice i my ie. nt g ater that I was i a yga retreat ad I did a pse that I had’t bee abe t d bere, ad I ticed that the irst thght that came it
31 mid was: “Y’ eer be abe t d this agai.” up thikig this, I jst said: “Chi t, lc y.” That lcy ice came it my head, ad it certaiy
was’t wecme, bt I did’t reak t abt it. I did’t hae t beiee her r say “Yes! y’re right! I’m try icapabe ad this is a wid ke ad it
wi eer happe agai.” I jst eeded t recgie it, ad be amsed. Chi t, lcy. That’s the kid practice that I sti d. S I whe I start thikig,
SHARON America’s eadig spirita teachers Asia medi s slz is e America’s tati practices, particary isight ad igkidess methds. She has payed a crcia re i brigig Bddhist meditati practices pract ices t the West. Tgether Tgether with Jack Krfed ad Jseph Gdstei, she ded the i m s i 1974 i Barre, Massachsetts. Shars is the beste ig athr mers ,, icdig The Frce f Kidess: Chage Yur life with lve ad Cmpassi, Heart as Wide as the Wrd, ad Faith: Trustig Yur Yur ow o w Deepest Experiece.
“oh, it’s a yr at, y chse the wrg ight ad that’s why y’re stck i this airprt ad ad ad ...” I jst say “Hi, lcy!”
2010 ROUNDUP! Eight issues of fear.less magazine are behind you, and the lessons are packed into every month. We dug up our favorite stories from the archives for you to take action on. If you’re in the holiday spirit and know someone who can benefit from a story, please pass this along to them.
MAY MA Y HOW TO GET OUT OF YOUR RUT WHEN YOU BARELY WANT TO
SEP SE P
Mawi Asgedom
PREPARE PREPARE FOR THOUGH TIMES BEFORE TRAGEDY STRIKES
JUNE
Tom Kelly
HOW TO BRAVE YOUR INSECURITIES
OCT
Platon
HOW TO HEAL AFTER A BROKEN HEART
JULY
Susan Piver
STOP FOLLOWING SELF-LIMITING RULES Colleen Wainwright
AUG BE ALONE, BUT NOT AFRAID Karen Armstrong
NOV FINDING YOUR VOCATION & WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE Parker Palmer
33
“
or emtis cr hw we see the wrd. ”
(E) MOTION Of fEAR PAul ECKMAn ECKMAn
wHat wHat is tHe emotional differen ce between generalized anxi ety and acute acute fear?
There’s t a arge dierece, ecept that ear is a mmetary emtia respse t a perceied threat harm. usay pepe are abe t d smethig t
34 get t the sitati i which they’re eeig threateed, bt there are cases ike waitig t hear the tcme a bipsy, r eampe, where there is’t ay ther way t bt t wait. Geeray, pepe i that sitati are t eperiecig c tis ear it cmes ad ges, ad the times whe it is ge rm r mids ca eae s prepared r the times whe it retrs. Aiety diers rm ear i that it describes a state beig araid witht kwig what y’re araid . It’s a mre edrig state, ad i it’s persistet, y eter back it the ream psychpathgy. wHat can someone can do wHen tHey’re overwHelmed by fear?
Whe pepe get er whemed by a em ti, y eter the area psychpathgy. It’s “
ad seepig. There are a ariety treatmet p tis, ad dieret es wrk better r dieret
y ca each day abt each time y ee that emti. The whe y read it er ater a week
pepe. I recmmed that pepe keep a diary as a emtia eercise. I ear is a prbem, y shd write as mch as
r tw, y’re kig r the cmm deryig theme. There’s say a script r each emti that t sme etet we’re
oFTEn IT HAS To Do WITH unRESolvED InCIDEnTS FRoM EARlIER lIFE, ESPECIAllY CHIlDHooD. ” what I ca c a a “d” emti, which itereres with e’s abiity t carry rma ie ctis ike chabitig, wrkig
35 wig, ad te it has t d with resed icidets rm earier ie, especiay chidhd. Rec giig it itse ca hep rese the ear ad hep e be ess erabe,
r e ca recgie ad aid the circmstaces where the ear is ap pearig. most scHools of
I spke with the Daai lama abt hw he
thik we shd hae a geera re that appies t eerye. Bt t se a eampe rm Bddhist thikig; y see a g seder shape i the dark; is that a cied rpe r a
sake, that’s pretty harm ess reay. What’s the cst? Y aid it ad y did’t se aythig. We are mre biased t see threats whe they are’t there rather tha
hades diict em tis, ad he said, “I I ca aid a sitati, I wi.” wi.” nw, that’s the Daai lama; that des’t wrk r eerye, ad I d’t
sake? or acestrs wh respded t sakes as i they were cied rpes may hae bee bitte ad t reprdced. Bt i y treat a rpe ike a
t igre threats that are there. Frthermre, i ear states we becme mre perceptie sesa tis that imiate the threat rather tha actay
tHougHt say tHat avoiding your fear makes it worse.
36 cirmig that it is a ac ta threat. Sme pepe are mre biased i this directi tha thers, ad y hae t kw where y ea i rder t cr rect r it i yrse. or emtis cr hw we see the wrd. I y’re i a ear state the y’re mre ikey t be hypersesitie t thigs that are ptetiay threateig, ad mre ikey t igre thse thigs that might redce yr ear. Y’re iterig eerythig that des’t it with yr ear em ti becase yr seses are heighteed t what its yr perceied threat, t the cirmed threat. The mai idea is t d smethig s y d’t ee hepess agaist the threat y ace becase y’re msty a ictim
ear ad ee paraysis whe y ee hepess, that there’s thig y ca d. I there’s sme thig we ca d t de ed rsees, t redce the threat harm, ee i we’re t certai it’s gig t wrk, the that wi redce e’s ear. Ee jst actiey accept ig that a sitati is t yr hads ca hep. I ce derwet a srgi ca prcedre where 1 i 1000 patiets wh hae the same cditi, die. It was techicay t my ctr, bt I csed the act that I was prba by gig t be e the 999 srirs. Hw we y ca d smethig ike that depeds yr persaity. Have you Had a fearful experience wHere you
37 Had to combat your Helplessness?
The mst righteig eperiece I’e eer had was i 1967 whe I char tered a sma pae t get it a remte ad ig area i new Giea. Whe we tk , the whees e the air pae. They radied s rm the grd ad said we better cme back be case they had a emer gecy ire trck waitig r s. We crash aded. I thght I wd hae bee terriied t my mid, bt I was abe t maitai sme cmp sre becase I had sme thig t d, which was t keep the dr sighty ajar s it wd’t jam ad trap me i. That distrac ti redced my ear ad shwed me the pwer
takig acti as ppsed t rig ard the cabi, arms aiig, dig thig t hep the sita ti, eeig mre scared ad paicked. Have teacHings from His Holiness dalai lama cHanged your perspective on our emotions?
My cersatis with His Hiess Daai lama hae ed me t beiee that mst pepe are re ay t aware beig emtia ti ater the episde is er, r ti ater it’s bee gig r sme time. We d’t hae mch chice as t hw t egage r be aware impses bere we act them. or a tre hardwires s t jst
react, s it’s t easy. Bt there are eercises that y ca d that I’e de scribed i my Emtis Reveaed bk that hep y sbert this. Whe y ca d this, y hae mre chices as t hw t maage yr impses. Emtia eaatis are essetiay de i miisecds. Smetimes
38 they’re crrect ad sme times t. The prbem becmes whe that same mechaism per ates at the kitche tabe, becase there’s im
mediate threat at hme r wrk, bt r em tis are ast, atmatic mechaisms we rigiay eed r sria. The key t a better em
tia ie is t deep awareess hw y are eeig at the mmet y’re eeig it, ad i pssibe, bere y ee it. Catch the impse be
PAUL d. pl e is a rewed psychgist ad pieer i the stdy emtis ad their reati t acia epressis. He is csidered e the 100 mst emiet psychgists r time, ad a athrity deceit ad emti. Dr. Ekma is athr mers , icdig Emtia Awareess: I cversati cversati with Daai lama, Midig emtis (Highightig cversatis with the Daai lama), Teig Teig ies, ad What the Face Reveas.
He has appeared mers teeisi shws as oprah, larry Kig, Jhy Cars, ad Bi Myers. He is iitiatig ew research reated t atia sec rity ad aw ercemet, ad the character Ca lightma the Tv series L m is based Dr. Ekma ad his wrk.
re the actis r wrds, the spark bere the ame.
