Adam Lyons - Breaking Rapport

TABLE  OF  CONTENTS Introduction  ................................................................................................................ 3 Chapter  I:  Why  Break  rapport?  ................................................................5 Chapter  2:  Break  rapport  -­  don’t  sever  it!  ..................................10 Chapter  3:  Verbal  Breaks  in  Rapport  .............................................15 Chapter  4:  Physical  Breaks  in  Rapport  ..........................................23 Chapter  5:  Negging,  Teasing,  and  Bantering  .......................32 Chapter  6:  Disagreements  ........................................................................37 Chapter  7:  Disqualification  .......................................................................49 Chapter  8:  Sexual  Escalation................................................................ 56 Conclusion  ...............................................................................................................61 2  

ADAM  LYONS

INTRODUCTION

B

REAKING  RAPPORT  IS  AN  INCREDIBLY  POWERFUL  TOOL  AND  ONE  

that  I  think  a  lot  of  people  don’t  use  correctly.  One  of  the  main   reasons   that   men   have   trouble   when   it   comes   to   attracting   women,  or  one  of  the  reasons  that  people  end  up  getting  stuck  in  the   ōIULHQG ]RQHŎ LV VSHFLŹFDOO\ EHFDXVH WKH\ GRQŎW GR DQ\WKLQJ WR VHW themselves  apart  from  what  is  just  a  casual  friendship.   The  people  you  think  of  as  real  friends,  you  usually  play  around   with.   You   joke   with   them,   wind   them   up,   and   tease   them.   You’re   not  afraid  to  point  out  their  mistakes,  or  failures,  and  that  almost   strengthens   the   friendship.   The   fact   that   you’re   capable   of   having  a  discussion  with  them,  and  tell  them  things  that  might  be   a  little  bit  awkward,  is  what’s  making  you  a  true  friend.  Somebody   they  really  feel  a  connection  with. People   whom   you   worry   about   speaking   to,   like   your   boss   or   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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INTRODUCTION maybe   somebody   who’s   a   friend   of   a   friend,   end   up   being   people  that  you  talk  to,  but  nothing  beyond  that  ever  happens.     So,   you   could   say   there   are   two   types   of   friendships,   yet   one   friendship  is  definitely,  distinctively  different  from  the  other.   Ironically,   a   lot   of   people   are   very   worried   about   getting   trapped  in  that  friend  zone.  They’re  like,  “I  don’t  wanna  be  in  the   friend  zone.  I  don’t  want  anyone  to  think  of  me  as  just  a  friend.”   The   truth   is,   when   you   actually   do   meet   a   partner,   when   you   actually  do  date  someone,  you  do  think  of  them  as  a  friend,  only   they’re  a  friend  plus.  There’s  nothing  wrong  with  getting  into  that   friend   zone,   provided   you   know   how   to   get   out   of   it.   Provided   you  know  how  to  take  it  to  that  plus.  Push  it  to  that  extra  level  so   that   you’re   friends   plus,   and   you   have   an   intimate   relationship   on  top  of  that.   The   thing   that’s   going   to   separate   those   two     is   doing   something   to   set   yourself   apart   from   just   a   casual   person   in   their   life.   That   something   is   breaking   rapport,   which   is   what   you’ll  learn  to  do  in  this  book. Breaking  rapport  isn’t  so  much  about  a  concept  to  understand.   It’s  more  about  actually  doing  something  and  making  it  happen.   If  you’re  somebody  who  doesn’t  know  how  to  do  it,  this  is  exactly   the   book   for   you   because   we   have   so   many   examples   to   take   you  through  it. 4  

ADAM  LYONS

CHAPTER  I WHY  BREAK  RAPPORT?

W

HY   SHOULD   WE   BOTHER   DOING   BREAKS   IN   RAPPORT?  

:KDWŎVWKHZKROHSRLQWEHKLQGLW"$UHWKHUHDQ\EHQHŹWV IURPGRLQJWKLV"$FWXDOO\WKHUHDUHDORWRIEHQHŹWVIURP doing  this.  Psychologists  have  discovered  many  times  that  humor  is  one   of  the  prime  triggers  of  attraction.  In  fact,  The  Journal  of  Psychology  did   a   study   in   2009   and   published   the   results   of   it   (McGee,   &   Shevlin,   2009).  It  said  that  humor  is  one  of  the  main  triggers  of  attraction.  Time   and  time  again,  if  you  look  at  all  the  different  studies  from  different  psy-­ chologists,  you’ll  see  that  the  humor  factor  is  right  up  there  as  one  of   the  number  one  things  that  triggers  attraction. So   when   we’re   talking   about   breaking   rapport,   we’re   talking   about  being   funny  in  a  manner  of  speaking.  Some  people  just   aren’t  born  as  stand-­up  comics.  They’re  just  not  comedians  and   they   don’t   know   how   to   be   funny   and   that’s   okay.   That’s   why   we  have  breaking  rapport.  Telling  a  joke  is  really  just  one  form   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  1   of   breaking   rapport.   This   book   is   really   designed   for   people   that   don’t   know   how   to   tell   jokes,   or   know   how   to   deliver   them   correctly  and  instead,  need  another  way  to  generate  humor.  I’m   going   to   take   you   through   all   of   the   different   techniques   and   the   possible   ways   to   break   rapport.   You   can   then   use   that   to   generate  humor  to  get  some  kind  of  emotional  response  from  the   other  person,  and  really  get  them  involved  in  that  conversation.   Thus  investing  in  you. What’s  very  important  to  realize  about  this  is  that  not  all  breaks   in  rapport  are  designed  just  to  trigger  humor.  Some  of  them  are   designed   to   generate   other   types   of   emotional   investments.   You  might  see  some  that  are  going  to  generate  passion,  where   the   other   person   is   going   to   become   incredibly   involved   in   the  conversation,  even  if  it  doesn’t  look  like  they’re  enjoying  it   much.   In  an  initial  interaction  we  tend  to  start  building  something  known   as  comfort.  Comfort  is  essentially  trust  and  rapport.  Trust  that  the   other  person  is  not  going  to  do  anything  mean  to  you.  Rapport   being  that  connection  between  the  two  of  you,  usually  built  on   some  kind  of  commonality  that  the  two  of  you  share.

McGee,   E.,   &   Shevlin,   M.   (2009).   Effect   of   humor   on   interpersonal   attraction  and  mate  selection.  The  Journal  of  Psychology,  1(143),  67-­77.

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ADAM  LYONS

WHY  BREAK  RAPPORT? When   we’re   breaking   rapport,   we’re   seeking   to   ruin   those   commonalities   and   break   it   up   a   bit.   Make   it   so   that   the   commonalities  that  you  think  are  there,  aren’t  completely  there.     Fundamentally,   you’re   both   individual   people   with   alternate   views  on  certain  topics.  You  don’t  always  see  eye  to  eye.  This  is   the  key  reason  for  breaking  rapport.     1.   DON’T  BE  A  ‘YES-­MAN’ If  you’re  constantly  seeing  eye  to  eye  with  somebody,  you  could   be  mistaken  for  being  somebody  who’s  just  a  follower.  Somebody   who’s   a   ‘yes-­man’.   You’re   just   agreeing   with   what   the   other   If  you’re  constantly   person   says,   and   you   don’t   have   seeing  eye  to   an   opinion   of   your   own   because   eye  with  the  other   you   think   the   other   person   is   so   person,  you  could   important    that  you’re  just  going  to   be  mistaken  for   agree  with  them. somebody  who’s   just  a  follower,   Once  y ou’re  d oing  t hat,  t he  o ther   a  ‘yes-­man’. person’s   not   going   to   view   you   as   an   asset   to   their   life.   They’re   just  going  to  view  you  as  a  shadow.  Someone  who  just  follows   them,    and  does  whatever  they  want.  Without  that  challenge,   there’s   nothing   for   them   to   push   back   against,   and   there’s   no  desire  for  them  to  push  themselves.  They’re  instead  going   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  1   to   move   towards   more   challenging   relationships.   People   that   are   actually   engaging   with   them,   making   them   doubt   themselves,   and   ultimately   helping   them   improve.     This   is   of   course  is  where  you  want  to  be.  This  is  why  breaking  rapport   is  so  powerful.   Often   you’ll   find   celebrities   are   a   great   example   of   this.   When   people  meet  a  celebrity,  they’ll  try  and  suck  up  to  them,  saying,   “Oh,   you   were   brilliant   in   this,   you   were   brilliant   in   that!”   While   that’s   nice   and   the   celebrity   will   be   pleasant   towards   you,   it   won’t    cause  much  attraction  between  the  two  of  you  because   you’re  just  the  same  as  every  other  person  that’s  come  up  and   said  that.  However,  if  you  meet  a  celebrity  and  show  them  that   you   can   challenge   them   a   bit,   make   a   bit   of   fun   at   them   (in   a   way  that  doesn’t  upset  them),  what  you  may  find  is  that  you  build   a  stronger  connection  with  that  person.  I’ve  definitely  found  that   whenever   I   meet   people   that   are   incredibly   important   or   very   successful   in   their  life,  the  friendships  are  definitely  built  on  the   fact  that  I’m  not  afraid  to  wind  them  up,  make  fun  of  them,  or  joke   with  them.  This  proves  that  we’re  on  the  same  level,  rather  than   constantly  trying  to  suck  up  to  them. When  we’re  breaking  rapport,  we’re  looking  to  ruin  a  little  bit  of   that  comfort  and  make  it  so  that  we’re  on  equal  playing  fields.   Not  just  sucking  up  to  them.  I’ve  got  my  own  opinion  and  I’m  not   afraid  to  put  that  across. 8  

ADAM  LYONS

WHY  BREAK  RAPPORT? TRIGGER  INVESTMENT One  o f  t he  m ost  p owerful  t echniques  to  s tart  t riggering  i nvestment   is  breaking   rapport.  If  you’ve  seen  all  my  other  programs,  you’ll   know  t hat  i nvestment  i s  t he  g oal.  I t’s  w hat  you’re  l ooking  to  d o.  T he   concept  being  that  if  you  can  build  investment  with  somebody,   you’re  also  building  attraction.  The  harder  somebody’s  working   to  get  you,  the  more  attracted  to  you  they’re  going  to  be.   That’s   what   we’re   looking   for.   We’re   looking   for   that   investment.   We’re   looking   for:   Will   they   care   enough   to   give   us   some   kind   of  feedback?  Will  they  care  enough  to  jump  on  board  and  tell   us   about   themselves   to   correct   our   opinion?   Will   they   jump   on   board  and  laugh  about  what  we’re  saying?   Breaking   rapport   is   that   first   step   that’s   going   to   trigger   that   investment.  That  very  first  moment  where  you’ve  stopped  having   to  put  in  all  the  effort,  and  the  other  person  is  putting  in  a  little   bit  of  effort  themselves.

BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  2 BREAK  RAPPORT  -­  DON’T  SEVER  IT!

A  

WORD   OF   WARNING   BEFORE   WE   GO   MORE   INTO   DEPTH .  I’ D  

like  to  point  out  the  difference  between  breaking  rapport  and   severing  rapport.  This  is  one  of  the  biggest  mistakes  and  prob-­ ably  the  number  one  thing  to  look  out  for  when  you’re  putting  these   VNLOOVLQWRXVHLQWKHŹHOG Severing   rapport   is   when   you   completely   ruin   the   connection   between   the   two   of   you.   Imagine   that   initial   connection,   that   initial   comfort   as   being   a   very   fragile   thing.   Something   you’ve   built  up  throughout  only  two,  three,  or  maybe  even  five  minutes’   time.  It’s  not  a  very  strong  construct.  You  do  have  some  kind  of   comfort,  you  do  have  some  commonalities.  However,  they’re  not   really  built  on  anything  substantial,  and  they  can  be  destroyed   just   as   easily   as   they   were   built.   The   easiest   way   to   make   sure   that  you  don’t  destroy  them  is  to  ensure  that  the  breaks  are  so   small  initially,  that  you  don’t  push  them  too  far. 10  

ADAM  LYONS

BREAK  RAPPORT  -­  DON’T  SEVER  IT! When  you  sever  rapport,  you’ve  essentially  wound  them  up  too   much.   You’ve   teased   or   disagreed   with   them   too   much,   and   you’ve   ruined   all   the   comfort   you’ve   built,   so   that   they   don’t   really  feel  there’s  that  much  of  a  connection.  They  may  feel  they   misjudged  you  initially  when  they  thought  you  were  really  friendly   and  you  guys  had  a  real  connection.  Now  they’re  thinking,  “Oh,   I  think  I’ve  misjudged  this  person.  I  don’t  really  like  them.  I’m  not   really   getting   on   with   them.”   That’s   because   you’ve   severed   rapport,  rather  than  breaking  it. Rather   than   just   listening   to   something   amazing   and   saying,   “Wow,   that’s   an   awesome   breaking   rapport   technique!”   then   running  out  in  the  field  and  testing  it  on  somebody,  take  the  time   to  think  of  using  one  of  the  smaller  ones.  One  that  isn’t  so  big  or   grandiose.  Maybe  one  of  the  handshakes  (which  I’ll  explain  later   on).  Something  that’s  small  that  tests  things  first.   You  can  always  think  of  it  like  building  up  a  compliance  ladder.   If  you  start  with  a  very  small  break  in  rapport  and  you  find  that   it’s   received   very   well   and   they’re   very   receptive   to   it,   then   go   for   a   bit   of   a   bigger   break   in   rapport.   The   idea   is   that   you’re   constantly  expanding  that  each  time.  What  I  tend  to  do  is  start   very  s mall  a nd  s lowly  g row  i t  o ut.  T hen,  a s  I  f eel  m ore  comfortable   in  using  the  techniques  and  talking  to  people,  I  will    stop  using   the   small   ones   and   start   with   the   bigger   ones.   This   of   course   speeds  up  the  whole  interaction.   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  2   If   you   find   that   your   breaking   rapport   is   getting   bad   reactions,     then  you’re  probably  severing  rapport.  At  that  point,  it  might  be   time  to  start  with  the  smaller  ones  and  slowly  work  up  into  it. How  do  you  know  if  you’ve  broken  rapport  correctly?  How  can   you   tell   if   you’ve   done   the   technique   right?   What   exactly   are   you   looking   for?   What   you   should   be   looking   for   is   somebody   laughing   or   giggling.   Somebody   having  f un  w ith  you,  a nd  s omebody   What  you  should   investing  back  into  you.   be  looking  for   is  somebody   laughing,  or   giggling.  Somebody   having  fun  with   you,  and  investing   back  in  you.

If  you’ve  ever  heard  about  just  how   powerful   it   is   to   make   somebody   laugh  or  if  you’ve  heard  a  girl  say,   “I   have   to   have   a   guy   that   can   make   me   laugh”,   breaking   rapport   is  what’s  going  to  be  doing  that.  It’s   the  technique  that  makes  the  other   person  laugh  for  the  first  time.  It  gets  them  to  put  in  a  little  bit  of   emotional  investment  and  you  know  that  “Okay,  this  is  somebody   that  is  willing  to  invest  in  me.” If   you   try   one   of   the   techniques   and   you   find   that   they   don’t   laugh  or  join  in  with  it,  then  all  it  means  is  you  don’t  have  enough   comfort.  I t  could  a lso  m ean  t hat  you  d elivered  i t  w rong.  H opefully   reading  this  book  will  help  you  realize  the  correct  way  to  deliver   it,  and  reduce  a  lot  of  that  from  your  game. 12  

ADAM  LYONS

BREAK  RAPPORT  -­  DON’T  SEVER  IT! If  you  think  about  my  formula  of  attraction,  it  works  as:   (C  –  R)  +  Q  +  SE C   =   Comfort R   =   Breaking  Rapport Q   =   Qualification SE  =   Sexual  Escalation The  reason  that  C-­R  sits  in  brackets  is  to  let  you  know  that  you   consistently  do  these  two  things.  You  build  comfort,  and  break   rapport.    You’ll  constantly  be  doing  this  until  you  start  to  see  the   signs  of  investment.   There  have  been  may  times  when  I’ve  been  talking  to  somebody   to  build  up  a  good  bit  of  comfort,  thrown  out  a  break  in  rapport,   and   it’s   just   not   got   the   reaction   I   wanted.   The   person     isn’t   particularly  happy  or  they  don’t  respond.    Instead,  I’ll  just  build   more  comfort,  and  then    break  rapport  again. To  sum  up:   You  know  you’ve  built  enough  comfort  when  you  do  that  break   in   rapport   and   other   person   responds.     Maybe   with   laughter,   teasing,  or  even  better  –  the  one  thing  that  lets  you  know  you’ve   got  it  100%  right  -­  is  if  they  hit  you.   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  2   Now,   I’m   not   talking   about   a   big   slap   on   the   face.   Just   a   little   push   or   nudge.   Then   you   know   the   break   in   rapport   wasn’t   just   good,  but  that  it  really  hit  home.  That’s  the  moment  that  you  know   you’ve   done   it   correctly,   and   everything   is   going     according   to   plan.   You’re   dealing   with   somebody   who   is   willing   to   invest   in   you.   Then   your   options   are   either   to   continue   to   build   that   investment  while    continuing  to  build  comfort/break  rapport,  or   maybe  move  things  on  to  the  next  stage.  Start  to  test  and  use   your  qualification  techniques  to  really  get  to  know  the  person.

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ADAM  LYONS

CHAPTER  3 VERBAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT

T

HERE   ARE   SIX   MAIN   WAYS   TO   BREAK   RAPPORT.  YOU   MAY   HAVE  

heard  of  these  different  techniques  on  their  own.  They’re  called   banter,  teasing,  or  negging  and  they  all  trigger  the  same  result.   They  give  that  emotional  reward  of  investment.  We  use  “breaking  rap-­ port”  as  an  umbrella  term  to  cover  all  of  the  different  techniques  be-­ cause  essentially,  each  of  the  techniques  does  the  same  thing  –  they   WULJJHUWKDWLQLWLDOVSDUNRIDWWUDFWLRQ7KHŹUVWRQHLVVerbal  Techniques. Verbal   techniques   are   great   because   you   don’t   have   to   be   funny,     witty,   or   super   smart.   All   you   have   to   do   is   remember   a   simple  set  of  words  or  games.  Something  that’s  going  to  get  the   other  person  thinking.   Remember,  the  whole  aim  throughout  breaking  rapport  is  to  get   the  person  to  start  investing,  and  there’s  no  better  way  of  doing   that  than  by  giving  someone  a  riddle  or  a  puzzle.  Imagine  that   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  3 up  until  now  you’ve  just  been  building  that  comfort.  You’ve  got   that   connection   where   the   two   of   you   are   talking.   Everything’s   going  great,  but  again,  you  might  be  carrying  the  weight  of  the   conversation  and  you  want  to  shift  it  the  other  way. By  g etting  s omebody  to  take  p art  i n  a  p uzzle,  r iddle,  b rainteaser,   or  any  other  kind  of  verbal  breaking  rapport,  you’re  essentially   pausing   the   conversation.   You   are   putting   all   the   pressure   on   the   other   person   by   having   them   constantly   try   and   guess   the   different  ways  to  solve  the  puzzle. What’s  great  about  these  is  you  can  find  them  by  simply  jumping   on   the   computer   and   doing   a   quick   search   for   brainteasers,   puzzle   games   or   Mensa   games.   There   are   all   sorts   of   different   names   for   them,   and   of   course,   feel   free   to   use   any   of   my   techniques  as  well. A  very  good  example  is  this  sequence  of  letters:  O  –  T  –  T  –  F  –  F   –S  –  S  –  E.  You  ask  somebody  to  work  out  which  letter  comes  next   in  that  sequence.  A  lot  of  people  are  going  to  try  to  think  about   it.  They  might  say  E  comes  next  because  you’ve  got  to  have  two   of  them  and  you  say  “Nope”.   Essentially  w hat  you’ll  b e  d oing  i s  g iving  t hem  y es  o r  n o  r esponses   until   they   can   solve   the   problem   and   work   it   out   themselves.   The   idea   is   that   you   keep   them   going   through   it   and   they   will   continue   investing.   They’re   going   to   keep   talking   to   you   and   16  

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VERBAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT constantly  keep  trying  to  solve  it.   The  pressure’s  all  on  them.

The  same  technique   can  be  reacted  to   in  two  completely   different  ways  so  you   do  have  to  calibrate   it  and  make  sure  you’re   using  the  right  one   for  the  right  person.  

With   verbal   breaks   in   rapport   with   these   kinds   of   puzzles,   it’s   very   important   that   you   monitor   their   enjoyment.   If   the   person   isn’t   enjoying   this   puzzle,   then   obviously   this   break   has   come   a   bit   too   early.   You   don’t   have   enough   comfort,   they’re   not   willing  to  play  it,  so  at  that  point  you  might  have  to  go  back  to   building   up   comfort.   Forget   the   game,   try   again   and   go   back   to  it  later  on. You’ve  also  got  to  understand  that  for  some  people,  a  verbal   break   in   rapport   is   a   lot   bigger   than   for   others.   If   somebody’s   naturally   mentally   inclined,   they’re   going   to   find   this   great   fun   and   an   awesome   challenge.   If   somebody   doesn’t   like   using   their   brain   in   that   way,   you’re   going   to   make   them   feel   really   uncomfortable   because   you’ve   pushed   them   outside   of   their   comfort  zone. Oh  and  by  the  way,  the  solution  to  that  one:  N  is  the  next  letter   in  the  sequence.  If  you  break  it  down  it’s  very  simple.  Each  one   is   the   first   letter   of   numbers   in   a   basic   1   to   9   situation.   O   is   1   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  3 (One),   the   two   Ts   are   2   (Two)   and   3   (Three),   then   you   got   4   (Four),   5   (Five),   6   (Six),   7   (Seven),   8   (Eight)   and   9   is   of   course   N(ine).  What’s  great  is  that  you  can  just  complete  the  sequence   in   front   of   them   if   they   haven’t   solved   it   yet   and   it’ll   drive   them   mad.   Especially   when   you   get   to   the   20’s,   21,   22,…   it’s   just   a   sequence  of  Ts.   Again,   it’s   great   fun   because   you   know   something   they   don’t   and  that  gives  you  power  in  the  conversation.  It  shows  that  you   have  a  level  of  knowledge  they  don’t  possess.   Make  sure  to  watch  the  “Verbal  –  demo”  chapter  of  the  Breaking   Rapport   DVD   to   see   me   have   an   interaction   with   one   of   my   friends  using  a  number  of  different  verbal  techniques  -­  see  how   she  r eacts  a nd  a dd  t hem  to  your  r epertoire  o f  tools.    I  r ecommend   you  watch  the  video  because  I  take  you  through  a  lot  of  different   techniques,  and  show  how  they  work.  That  way  you  can  get  an   idea  of  not  only  the  best  way  to  deliver  them,  but  also  what  some   of  the  reactions  might  look  like  if  you  do  it  correctly. The   whole   concept   behind   verbal     breaks   in   rapport   are   the   things   you   say.   Funny,   witty   games   and   the   whole   idea   behind   them   is   to   try   to   get   the   other   person   to   say   something   a   little   bit  stupid  and  make  them  look  dumb  –  that’s  the  whole  aim.  And   then  hopefully,  they’re  the  kind  of  person  that  can  laugh  at  how   dumb  they  are. 18  

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VERBAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT Here’s   a   sample   conversation   from   the   DVD   that   actually   took   place  between  me  and  a  friend. Adam:   Hey,  can  you  complete  t his  s entence?  I f  you  d on’t   have  the  least,  you  have… Girl:  

More?  

Adam:   Almost;;  that’s  good.  You  could  have  more  or  you   could  also  have  like  the... Girl:  

Most?

Adam:   Yes.   Yes,   good,   awesome.   If   you   don’t   have   the   least,  you  have  the  most. Girl:  

I  had  a  long  weekend.

Adam:   Exactly,   nothing   wrong.     If   you   don’t   have   the   least,   you   have   the   most.   And   you’re   going   to   get  half  these  things  wrong  so  don’t  feel  bad,  it  is   going  to  happen.    Okay,  if  you  live  by  the  shore,   you  also  live  by  the… Girl:  

North?

Adam:   You’re  like  on  a  beach?  It  rhymes  with  ‘most’  near   the  sea. BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  3 Girl:  

Coast?

Adam:   Yes!   So   if   you   don’t   have   the   least,   you   have   the… Girl:  

Most.

Adam:   And  if  you  live  by  the  shore  you’re  on  the… Girl:  

Coast?

Adam:   That’s   perfect.   And   what   do   you   put   in   the   toaster?   Girl:  

Toast.

Adam:   Bread. Girl:  

(Laughs  loudly)

The  whole  trick  about  those  two  and  the  reason  they  work  is  you   get  someone  lulled  into  saying  a  certain  pattern  of  words  The   idea  here  is  that  once  you’ve  been  saying  those  words  over  and   over  again,  they  get  used  to  saying  words  that  rhyme  with  it.  You   make  an  association  between  a  toaster  and  toast,  which  is  why   you  say  it  rather  than  bread.  Here’s  another  one: Adam:   Okay,   ready   for   this   one?   What   you’re   going   to   do  is  say  ‘silk’  five  times. 20  

ADAM  LYONS

VERBAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT Girl:  

Silk,  silk,  silk,  silk,  silk.

Adam:   That’s  pretty  good.  What  do  cows  drink? Girl:  

Milk.

Adam:   Not  milk,  water. Girl:  

(Laughs)

The  whole  idea  behind  these  verbal  games  is  they’re  little  tricks   you  can  play  on  someone  to  get  them  to  sort  of  think,  “What  do   you…I  don’t  get  it!”  and  they  start  laughing  because  they  can   laugh  at  themselves.  You  learn  that  the  other  person  is  someone   who  can  take  a  joke,  and  they  learn  that  you’re  somebody  who’s   capable  of  making  fun  of  them.  You’re  not  just  putting  them  up   on   a   pedestal   thinking   they’re   the   coolest   person   in   the   world.   Here’s  another  good  one: Adam:   Alright,  next  up,  this  is  a  tough  one.  You’re  a  bus   driver.  You  go  to  one  bus  station  and  you’ve  got   seven  people  on  your  bus.  Got  that  so  far? Girl:  

Seven  people  on  the  bus.

Adam:   You   go   to   another   bus   stop   and   three   more   people  get  on  the  bus,  okay?  You  go  to  another   bus  stop,  four  more  people  get  on  the  bus.  You   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  3 go  to  another  bus  stop,  one  person  gets  on  and   five  people  get  off. Girl:  

(Laughs)

Adam:   You  with  it?  Here’s  another  bus  stop.  Four  people   get   on   the   bus.   Go   to   another   bus   stop,   two   people  get  on  and  one  person  gets  off…  how   many  bus  stops  did  it  go  to? Girl:  

(Laughs)  Four?

These   are   really  powerful  techniques  that  build  up  that  verbal   break  in  rapport.  What’s  beautiful  about  that  is  that  you  don’t   have   to   use   just   those   examples.   There   are   a   lot   of   examples   on   my   website   that   you   can   get   hold   of,   but   there   are   even   more  you  can  get  by  jumping  onto  Google  or  whatever  search   engine   you   prefer   and   start   hunting   for   brain   teasers.   You   can   find  so  many  different  ones.  Test  them  out  and  use  them  yourself.

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CHAPTER  4 PHYSICAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT

S

OMETIMES,   HOWEVER,   VERBAL   JUST   DOESN’T   WORK.  

MAYBE  

you’re  in  a  venue  that’s  too  loud.  Maybe  the  music  is  overpow-­ ering.  Maybe  you’re  trying  to  communicate  with  somebody  who   doesn’t  speak  English,  so  they  don’t  understand  it.  You  could  even  be   dealing  with  somebody  who  just  doesn’t  understand  the  games.  They   may  be  just  a  little  too  advanced  for  them,  so  they  don’t  react  well,   and  they  don’t  give  you  the  feedback  that  you  need.  Maybe  they  just   can’t  comprehend  and  understand  the  games  in  order  to  play  them.   Yet  you’re  very  attracted  to  the  person  and  you  still  want  to  build  up   attraction. That’s   where   non-­verbal   breaks   in   rapport   come   in.   Physical   breaks   in   rapport.   What’s   great   about   these   is   that   you   don’t   necessarily   have   to   understand   how   to   communicate   with   somebody   verbally   but   you   can   still   have   that   effect.   You   can   still   make   them   laugh.   What’s   even   better   about   the   physical   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  4   ones   is   it’s   a   great   excuse   to   touch   somebody.   You   can   build   up  that  interaction  from  a  purely  physical  basis  and  start  taking   things   a   little   bit   sexual   from   a   physical   point   of   view.   It’s   an   awesome   excuse   to   start   touching   somebody   and   make   them   laugh. If   you   do   make   somebody   laugh,   they’re   even   more   likely   to   touch   back   because   you’ve   been   touching   them.   You’ve   got   a   justified   reason   to   continue   to   touch   them   because   you’re   playing  some  kind  of  game,  and  you’ve  got  a  good  chance  of   receiving   reciprocated   touch   because   the   other   person   feels   the  need  to  touch  you  back  and  build  that  up.   What  you’re  getting  there  is  a  good  level  of  compliance,  which     is   a   very   good   sign   that   you’re   getting   that   investment   and   getting  the  other  person  to  start  building  things  back  with  you. I   personally   believe   that   throughout   an   entire   interaction   you   should  be  touching.  Using  a  physical  break  in  rapport  is  a  really   good  way  of  testing  that  initially,  and  making  sure  that  it’s  going   to  be  okay  to  go  further.  If  somebody’s  very  uncomfortable  with   the   physical   break   in   rapport,   then   once   again   you   know   you   haven’t  built  up  enough  comfort  to  get  away  with  touching  them   in  that  way.   What’s   beautiful   about   that   is   again   we   return   to   comfort.   We   go  back  to  not  touching,  or  just  some  simple  touching.  Maybe   24  

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PHYSICAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT to   the   side   of   the   arm,   or   to   the   shoulder   to   keep   things   more   comfortable.   Then   again   we’re   going   to   move   it   up   and   try   another  break  in  rapport. What   you   can   also   find   is   if   you   do   a   verbal   break   in   rapport   and   it’s   not   going   so   well,   we   can   then   move   onto   a   physical   break  in  rapport  and  vice  versa.  If  you  find  that  you’re  dealing   with   somebody   who’s   a   bit   of   an   intellectual,   but   they’re   not   particularly   responsive   to   the   physical   breaks   in   rapport,   you   can  go  back  to  using  one  of  the  verbal  breaks  in  rapport  that   you  just  saw  earlier.  Test  that  and  see  how  that  works. I  often  find  that  a  lot  of  guys  that  are  quite  natural  will  tend  to   move  towards  the  physical  breaks  in  rapport.  They  make  things   more   fun   and   flirtatious   from   a   physical   point   of   view   because   again,   it’s   a   very   natural   way   for   them   to   build   up   that   sexual   chemistry  very  early  on. One  very  simple  classic  one  that  you’ve  probably  seen  people   do  is  extend  your  hand    to  shake  theirs,  and  as  they  go  to  grab   it   you   can   say   “Oh!”   and   retract   your   hand   and   leave   them   hanging.   That’s   going   to   get   really   annoying,   but   that   doesn’t   matter.  Hopefully  they’re  going  to  want  to  get  you  back  straight   away,   and   they   might   grab   you   or   hit   you   or   something   along   those  lines.   What’s   good   about   these   is   I   often   find   that   physical   breaks   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  4   in   rapport   create   a   way   to   start   conversations   if   you   want   to   bypass  that  early  comfort  stage  and  jump  straight  into  breaking   rapport  and  see  what  happens. To   make   sure   that   you’re   guaranteed   an   interaction   as   well,   start  at  comfort  then  move  into  breaking  rapport.  Then  you  can   qualify  and  get  sexual.  However,  there’s  no  reason  why  you  can’t   attempt  to  speed  things  up.   On   the   occasion   when   I   am   looking   to   speed   things   up   and   test  to  see  if  I  can  make  something  go  faster,  I  accept  there’s  a   higher  risk.  There’s  more  of  a  chance  it  might  not  work,  but  when   it  does,  I’ve  just  saved  a  lot  of  time  and  moved  things  the  way  I   want  to  go.   The  physical  break  in  rapport  may  be  the  way  that  I  go  to  open.   If   I   see   somebody   from   the   other   side   of   the   room,   I   can   put   my   hand   on   my   nose   and   wave   at   them   that   way   in   a   teasing   manner,  just  like  when  you  were  a  little  kid  in  school. WHATEVER,  LOSER! Something   else   that   I   often   do   is   I   point   at   somebody,   and   if   they  point  back,  make  a  sort  of  L-­shape  with  my  thumb  and  index   finger   and   put   it   on   my   forehand   to   indicate   “loser.”   This   often   gets   great   reactions.   They   usually   do   that   straight   back   at   me   26  

ADAM  LYONS

PHYSICAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT and   I   give   them   a   sort   of  ‘whatever’  by   making  a  W   by   making   an  L-­shape  with  my  left  hand  and  right  hand  and  putting  them   together.   This   fun,   physical   break   in   rapport   game   going   back   and   forth   with   us   has   allowed   us   to   jump   straight   into   breaking   rapport.  It  works  incredibly  well  because  if  they  think  it’s  fun  and   engaging,  then  they  will  join  in  with  you.  The  only  problem  is  that   if   you   do   open   with   a   break   in   rapport,   don’t   be   surprised   if   every  so  often  it  goes  really  badly.  After  all,  if  somebody’s  had  a   terrible  day  and    you  call  them  a  loser  from  the  other  side  of  the   room,  they  will  most  likely  be  upset.  So  you’ve  got  to  understand   that   when   you   take   that   risk,   there’s   a   chance   that   the   other   person  may  not  be  happy  about  it  if  you  use  an  opener. THE  BEAR  HUG So  with  that  word  of  warning,  this  next  physical  break  in  rapport   is  one  of  my  personal    favorites.  This  is  one  that  you  often  find   really   big,   dominant,   aggressive   guys   using,   and   it’s   the   bear   hug  attack.  If  you  see  a  girl  that  you  haven’t  seen  for  ages,  you   say,   “Hey,   good   to   see   you!”   and   give   them   a   big   hug.   Often   if  you’re  standing  up,  you’ll  pick  up  the  girl  and  you’ll  swing  her   around.  Little  girls  tend  to  get  annoyed  with  this.  If  the  girl’s  quite   short,  sometimes  they  don’t  like  it  because  everyone  picks  them   up,  but  tall  girls  love  it.  

BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  4   THE  NOSE  FLICK This  is  another  one  I  favor.  I’ll  often  use  this  as  an  opening  line.   I  don’t  suggest  you  do  this  if  you’re  a  beginner  because  it  can   go  terribly  wrong.  Some  of  the  hazards  of  it  are  that  a  girl  might   think   you’re   grabbing   her   breasts,   or   that   you’re   being   rude   and  inappropriate.  I  suggest  you  only  use  this  if  you’ve  got  a   good  sense  the  girl  really  likes  you.  Maybe  she’s  giving  you  a   forced   sign   of   attraction,   or   smiling   at   you   as   you’re   moving   up  to  her.  Basically,  you  point  to  the  girl’s  chest  and  when  she   looks   down   at   it,   you   bring   your   finger   up   and   flick   her   nose.   See,  it’s  so  powerful.  I’ve  used  it  as  an  opening  line,  but  even   in   the   conversation.   Especially   if   it’s   serious   conversation   and   she  says  something  like,  “What  am  I  gonna  do  about  my  job?”   and   you   reply,   “Yeah…   oh   by   the   way,   there’s   something   on   your  chest.”   THE  PUSH Another   one   is   the   playful   push   away.   When   you’re   pushing   someone  away,  you  have  to  do  it  very  carefully.  There’s  a  good   way   of   doing   it   and   a   bad   way   of   doing   it.   One   of   the   worst   ways   to   push   someone   away   is   to   actually   push   them   away.   When   you   push   someone   away   the   whole   concept   is   to   push   yourself  away  from  them.  That’s  the  whole  idea.    You’re  pushing   yourself  because  girls  are  fragile  and  little.  They’re  in  high  heels.   28  

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PHYSICAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT Imagine  you’re  balancing  on  two  little  sticks  and  then  someone   pushed  you.  A  lot  of  guys  get  that  wrong,  and  nobody  enjoys   that.   THE  BUTT  GRAB Another  one  of  my  favorites  has  got  to  do  with  butts.  The  high   five   to   the   butt   smack.   Go   to   high   five   the   girl…   and   you   miss   and   grab   her   butt.   That’s   great   way   of   doing   a   fake   high   five   to  the  butt.  Often  the  girl  reacts  badly  and  says  “(Gasp)!  I  can’t   believe  you  just  did  that!”  At  which  point  just  offer  your  butt  and   say,  “You  can  get  me  back,  it’s  okay.”  This  is  what  you  want.  The   whole  idea  is  to  be  playful  and  fun  with  it.  You  don’t  really  want   to  upset  people.  It’s  not  the  real  concept  behind  this. THE  AUSTIN  HANDSHAKES These   are   some   more   of   my   favorites.   There   are   a   lot   of   fun   handshakes.  I’m  pretty  sure  these  originated  in  Austin,  Texas.  I   can’t  confirm  that,  but  every  time  I  hang  out  in  Austin,  everyone   seems  to  know  a  lot  more  of  these  handshakes.  There’s  a  big   thing  going  round  Austin  at  the  moment  with  all  these  different   handshakes   –   the   snail,   the   turkey,   Thanksgiving,   the   salmon,   etc.   Make   sure   to   watch   them   all   in   the   “Physical   –   demo”   chapter   of   your   Breaking   Rapport   DVD   for   some   hilarious   handshakes. BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  4   GRABBING  BOOBS The   next   two   are   very   advanced.   The   reason   that   I’m   making   a   point   to   note   this   is   that   these   are   the   ones   that   come   with   big  warnings  like  ‘Use  at  your  own  risk’.  I’m  telling  you  now,  long   before   I   explain   these   techniques,   that   if   used   incorrectly   can   end   up   with   you   getting   into   a   lot   of   very   serious   trouble.   You   should  r eally  o nly  u se  t hese  t echniques  i f  a)  you’re  v ery  confident   with   the   other   person   and   you   know   you   can   get   away   with   it   or   b)   you’ve   been   doing   it   for   a   very   long   time   so   you   can   calibrate  carefully  in  order  to  get  yourself  out  of  it  if  something   goes  wrong.   If  you  do  decide  to  take  the  next  two  techniques,  you  are  using   them  completely  at  your  own  risk.  You  have  been  warned. These  are  the  boob  grabs.  There  are  a  number  of  different  ways   to   go   about   grabbing   somebody’s   breasts   and   getting   away   with  it.  You  can  do  it  in  a  very  normal  way,  but  of  course  in  this   section,  we’re  talking  about  breaks  in  rapport,  so  we’re  going  to   look  at  the  funnier  ways  of  doing  it.   The  one  that  I  personally  like,  is  where  you  have  a  mock  fight  with   somebody.    You  push  them,  and  you  get  them  to  push  you  back.   The  whole  point  is  that  you  want  to  get  them  to  push  your  chest.   She’ll   say,   “Stop   that!”   And   when   they   do   that,   you’re   say,   “No!   That’s   not   how   you   grab   someone’s   breasts.   If   you’re   going   to   30  

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PHYSICAL  BREAKS  IN  RAPPORT grab  someone’s  breasts  it’s  like  a  cupping  motion,  see?  It’s  more   like  this...”  That’s  one  simple  way  that  you  can  get  away  with  it.   The   second   one   I   actually   did   at   school   when   I   was   a   kid.   It   works   remarkably   well.   You   get   a   dollar   and   you   say   to   them,   “I   bet   you   a   dollar   that   I   can   make   your   breasts   move   without   touching   them.   All   you   have   to   do   is   put   your   hands   up   in   the   air  above  your  head.”  Then  you  grab  her  boobs  and  say,  “I  was   wrong,  you  can  keep  the  dollar.”  You  do  lose  a  dollar,  though  J As  you  can  see,  physical  breaks  in  rapport  are  a  lot  of  fun.  You   can   get   some   really   great   responses   from   people,   and   really   enjoy   it.   I   genuinely   enjoy   doing   physical   breaks   in   rapport.   They’re   a   lot   of   fun.   It’s   something   I   do   even   with   friends   and   people  you’re  having  a  sexual  interaction  with,  because  it  builds   a  stronger  bond  between  the  two  of  you.  It’s  also  a  great  way   of  bridging  that  gap  between  friends  and  a  real  connection.  It   really  does  build  that  connection  up. And  definitely  make  sure  to  watch  all  the  different  techniques  in   the  “Physical  –  demo”  chapter  of  your  Breaking  Rapport  DVD.

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CHAPTER  5 NEGGING,  TEASING,  AND   BANTERING

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N  THIS  SECTION  ON  BREAKING  RAPPORT,  WE’RE  GOING  TO  BE  LOOK-­

ing  at  the  different  types  of  negging,  teasing,  and  bantering.  What   you’re  seeking  to  do  in  this  one  is  pick  on  the  other  person.  You’re     looking  to  be  mean,  but  in  a  playful  way.  The  whole  point  here  isn’t  to   upset  the  other  person.  If  you  upset  them,  then  you’ve  really  done  this   wrong.   The  whole  idea  is  to  pick  on  them  like  you  would  a  close  friend.   For   instance,   “You   look   terrible”,   and   other   similar   comments,   are  too  harsh.  What  you  want  to  do  is  something  that  you  can   get  away  with,  with  your  friends.  Something  that  isn’t  too  far  out   there. The  key  to  it  is  giving  a  compliment  as  part  of  it.  So  you’ll  say,  “I   love  your  makeup;;  it’s  really  good.  Your  makeup,  your  hair,  your   jewelry.  It’s  like  Lady  Gaga  threw  up  on  you.”  Any  time  you  can,   32  

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NEGGING,  TEASING,  AND  BANTERING give  a  compliment  with  an  insult.  “Like  a  good  throwing  up,  you   know?” Another   one   that   works   great   is   any   reference   like   Ke$ha,   or   other  similar  pop  stars. NICKNAMES One  of  the  other  ones  I  really  like  is  bad  nicknames.  Especially  if   you  can  hit  them  home.  It  can  be  like,  “Hey  Freckles,  what’s  up?”   Or,   If   the   girl’s   tall,   you   can   call   her   Shorty.   Because   she   isn’t   short,  she  won’t  take  it  as  an  insult. Any  time  you  can,  come  up  with  some  kind  of  joke  or  nickname.   Something  t hat’s  a musing,  b ut  i sn’t  g oing  to  u pset  t hem  too  m uch.   It  can  be  very  easy  to  take  a  nickname  and  make  it  harmful,  and   that’s   NOT   the   idea   here.   It’s   for   them   to   enjoy,   and   know   that   it’s  joking. Another  one  that’s  great  is  when  you  get  someone’s  name  wrong   on  purpose.  It’s  obvious  that  you’re  doing  it.  Any  of  those  sorts   of  things  work  very  well. REPEAT  WHAT  SHE  SAID Our   next   one   is   where   you   repeat   what   someone   says   in   a   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  5   silly,   girly   voice.   This   one   gets   really   annoying.   Again,   the   key   to   breaking   rapport   is   that   you’re   not   always   trying   to   make   the   other   person   laugh,   but   you’re   making   it   clear   that   you’re   not   a   pushover.   You’re   not   some   Warning:  If  you  can   average   guy   that’s   going   to   do   see  that  you’re   whatever   she   wants   and   let   her   receiving  a  bad   walk   all   over   you.   Making   fun   of   reaction  from   somebody   and   repeating   what   something,  move   they’re   saying   in   a   funny   way   is   away  from  it  and   annoying,   but   effective.   You   can   use  a  different   only   do   this   for   a   certain   amount   break  in  rapport. of  time  before  the  girl  really  does   get  annoyed.   CALLING  OUT  MISTAKES Another   great   one   is   calling   out   somebody’s   mistakes.     If   you   see   somebody   walking   down   the   road   and   they   trip   up   over   themselves   and   you   could   say,   “Oh!   Buckle!”   Or,   if   somebody’s   yawning  you  can  say,  “Wow,  you’re  not  having  much  fun,  huh?” FLOATING  BOOBS This  is  one  of  my  favorite  ones  based  on  a  real  conversation: Adam:   You  know  what?  You’ve  got  pretty  nice  breasts. 34  

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NEGGING,  TEASING,  AND  BANTERING Girl:  

Oh,  thank  you.

Adam:   Something  I’ve  always  wondered  is,  do  they  help   with  swimming?  Are  they  buoyant? Girl:  

Do  they  float?

Adam:   Yeah,  do  they  float? Girl:  

Only  the  fake  ones  float.

Adam:   But  do  yours  float?  This  is  the  question. Girl:  

What  do  you  think?  (Laughs)

Adam:   I  think  they  float.  I’m  just  gonna  throw  it  out  there,   they  look  like  they’ d  float. Girl:  

If   a   ship   was   going   down,   I   would   suggest   you   grab  onto  my  body.  

Adam:   Perfect.  So  if  a  ship‘s  going  down,  I’m  just  gonna   be  like…  help!  And  grab  onto  you. Girl:  

And  then  you’ d  probably  survive.

Adam:   Done.  Anytime  I  go  on  a  cruise,  you’re  the  person   coming  with  me.   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  5   As  you  can  see,  the  idea  of  negging,  teasing,  and  banter,  is  to   get  the  other  person  to  joke  and  interact  with  you. Remember,   you   might   not   necessarily   get   away   with   these   in   a   bar   or   a   public   place,   so   you   do   need   to   calibrate   these.     Calibrate   simply   means   you   start   small   and   use   simple   teases   initially,  and  see  how  they  react.  If  they  react  very  well,  keep  it   going.  If  they  don’t,  ease  back  a  bit  and  don’t  push  it  too  far.   You  could  always  use  one  of  the  other  techniques.

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CHAPTER  6 DISAGREEMENTS

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HE  NEXT  ONES  WE’RE  GOING  TO  BE  LOOKING  AT  ARE  DISAGREE-­

ments.  Disagreements  are  very  different  to  arguments.  An  argu-­ ment  is  where  the  two  of  you  get  very  heated  and  passionate.   You’ve  both  got  your  opinion,  and  you’re  trying  to  put  it  across  to  the   other  person  to  prove  that  you’re  right.  That’s  never  any  good  and  cre-­ ates  a  very  negative  situation.  In  fact,  it  creates  a  situation  where  the   other  person  really  doesn’t  want  to  have  an  interaction  with  you.  They’ll   move  off  and  have  one  they  actually  enjoy. A   disagreement   is   more   like   a   challenge.   You’re   getting   the   other  person  to  rethink  their  point,  or  elaborate  a  bit  better.  If  I   ask  somebody  what  their  favorite  food  in  the  world  is,  they  might   suddenly   reply   that   they   like   McDonald’s.   That’s   not   a   great   answer.   It’s   not   very   in-­depth.   I’m   not   getting   investment   or   an   emotional  response,  which  is  what  I  really  want.  

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CHAPTER  6   If  I  say,  “Wait,  doesn’t  McDonald’s  make  you  fat?”  I’ve  disagreed   with  it.  They’ve  said  that  they  enjoy  it  and  I’ve  challenged  them   on  it.  I’m  getting  them  to  push  back  against  me,  so  they  defend   their   original   position.   If   they   say,   “No,   it’s   amazing!   Even   if   it   makes  you  fat,  it  doesn’t  matter.  I  enjoy  it.  I  don’t  eat  it  that  often.   It’s  all  about  moderation.”  Whatever  they’re  going  to  come  back   with  is  a  much  deeper  response.  You’ll  get  a  lot  more  emotional   investment  from  them,  and  that’s  what  I’m  looking  for.  I’m  looking   for  them  to  come  back  and  give  me  a  little  more  investment,  so  I   know  that  I’ve  built  up  enough  of  a  connection. Remember,   if   they   don’t   really   care   about   you,   or   interested   in   you,   the   minute   you   challenge   them   they   may   come   back   with,   “Well  that’s  your  opinion,  I  don’t  really  care  about  it,”  and  they’d   move   off.   If   you’re   getting   that   kind   of   response,   and   they’re   bothering  to  take  the  time  to  disagree  with  you,  then  you  know   you’ve  done  it  correctly. However,  once  they  give  that  point,  you  need  to  accept  it.  If  you   don’t  accept  it,  and  make  them  push  harder  and  you  never  give,   then   you’ve   moved   into   that   argument   territory.   That’s   exactly   where   you   don’t   want   to   be.   At   that   point,   you’re   dealing   with   something  they  really  care  about,  and  you’re  making  it  clear  that   you  don’t  like  it.  That  can  create  a  sore  spot  in  the  conversation,   and   constantly   fighting   against   each   other   is   never   going   to   work. 38  

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DISAGREEMENTS At  the  end  of  the  day,  you’ve  got  to  work  out  whether  it’s  more   important  to  you  that  you  win  the  argument  about  McDonald’s   being  unhealthy,  or  that  you  generate  attraction  with  the  other   person. In   most   instances   that   I’m   in,   I’m   happy   not   to   put   across   my   personal  v iew  a bout  M cDonald’s  a nd  i nstead  b uild  u p  a ttraction.   Afterward,   If   I   want   to   have   a   real   debate   with   somebody,   I’ll   go   and   have   a   real   debate   with   somebody.   If   I’m   looking   to   meet  somebody  and  possibly  start  dating  them,  we  can  have  a   McDonald’s  conversation  6  months  down  the  line.  I  don’t  need   to  have  it  right  when  we  first  meet. Having  a  s mall  d ebate  a t  t he  b eginning  w ill  b uild  u p  d isagreement   and   get   the   other   person   to   start   giving   me   information.   More   importantly,   it   will   prove   to   me   that   they’re   willing   to   give   the   information.  That  they  care  about  me  enough  to  bother  to  put   their   point   across   is   what   I’m   really   looking   for.   So,   that’s   the   technique  when  you’re  looking  to  agree  with  somebody. You  can  disagree  with  somebody  about  absolutely  everything.   Remember,  i t’s  n ot  your  o pinion  n ecessarily;;  you’re  j ust  c hallenging   their   opinion.   You’re   not   just   putting   across,   it’s   more   about   getting   their   opinion.   If   I   say,   “What’s   your   favorite   food?”   and   they  say,  “I  like  McDonald’s.”  You  shouldn’t  reply  with  “Well,  I  think   Burger   King   is   so   much   better   and   this   is   why…”   That’s   not   a   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  6   disagreement.  In  that  situation,  I’m  literally  just  arguing  with  them.   I’m  talking  about  things  I  want  to  talk  about,  and  I’ve  changed   the  conversation.   You  want  to  keep  it  on  the  original  conversation  and  challenge   them.  Disagree  with  them  on  that  point  and  say  something  like,   “Really?  McDonald’s  is  your  favorite  food?  I  don’t  believe  it.  Why   would  McDonald’s  be  your  favorite  food?”  That’s  usually  enough   to   get   them   to   explain   it   to   you,   and   that’s   really   what   you’re   looking  for.

Remember:  you’re  not  going  to  see  these  happy,   laughing  responses  that  you  typically  get  with  the   verbal  and  physical  breaks  in  rapport  because  they’re   more  like  games.  In  this  situation,  you’re  looking  for   that  deep  emotional  response  where  the  person   is  going  to  fight  back  and  put  her  point  across.  At   the  point,  you  know  you’ve  done  it  correctly.

SPORTS Here’s  a  live  disagreement  I  had  with  a  girl  that  you  can  see  in   the   “Disagreement   –   demo”   chapter   of   the   Breaking   Rapport   DVD: 40  

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DISAGREEMENTS Adam:   What’s   your   favorite   sport?   Do   you   have   a   favorite  sport? Girl:  

College  football.

Adam:   College  football.  Which  team  do  you  support? Girl:  

Alabama.

Adam:   Don’t  you  like  your  own  Texas? Girl:  

Texas  is  terrible.  The  only  reason  Texas  does  well   is   they   all   have   a   lot   of   political   pull   and   they   have  money.  Really,  Alabama  football’s  better.

Adam:   Didn’t  Texas  destroy  Alabama  in  the  last  game? Girl:  

No.

Adam:   Did  Alabama  win? Girl:  

Alabama  wins  every  game.

Adam:   So   basically   you’re   supporting   the   people   that   win  and  you’re  not  sticking  for  the  people  where   you’re  from. Girl:  

No.   If   the   people   where   I’m   from   were   good  

BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  6   then   I’ d   support   them.   Here’s   my   deal.   If   Texas   plays   any   other   school,   of   course   I’m   gonna   go   for   Texas   because   I’m   from   Texas.   My   ex   is   from   Alabama   and   he   got   me   into   Alabama   football,   and   actually   Alabama   is   a   better   team  than  Texas.  So,  of  course  I’m  going  to  go   for   Alabama   over   Texas,   because   they’re   the   better  team. Adam:   You’re   not   really   a   fan.   You’re   just   supporting   winners. Girl:  

No,  I  really  am  an  Alabama  fan  but…

Adam:   Obama  fan?  Isn’t  he  the  president? Girl:  

Come  on,  asshole.  I’m  really  an  Alabama  fan,  but   because   they   really   are   a   bad-­ass   team.   They   won   two   years   in   a   row.   And   you   know,   I   never   knew  until  I  dated  this  guy,  but  do  you  think  that   Texas   football…   well,   you   don’t   know   because   you’re   English,   but   Texas   football   growing   up   is   supposed  to  be  the  shit…

Adam:   Texas  football’s  awesome! Girl:   42  

Yeah,   until   you   go   to   a   place   like   Luverne,   ADAM  LYONS

DISAGREEMENTS Alabama   where   there’s   two   streets   and   you   either  have  to  join  the  military,  play  football  or   be   a   drug   dealer.   Those   are   your   only   three   options.   So   Alabama   football   is   way   more   hardcore. Adam:   Texas,  you’ve  got  to  support  Texas.  Look  at  TCU,   they’re  moving  up  now. Girl:  

No,  because  I  was  at  the  Texas  game  and  Texas   sucked.  They  were  losing  to  UCLA  and  I  was  like,   Ugh!  It  was  so  embarrassing.

Adam:   Forget  Alabama,  dude.  It’s  TCU. Girl:  

They   suck.   They   just   have   too   much   money.   TCU   has   a   lot   of   money   too,   but   they’re   obviously   a   better  team.

The   whole   point   of   disagreement   is   to   get   something   like   that   going,   where   you’ve   got   an   interaction   between   the   two   of   you   and   it   breaks   up.   You’re   not   just   constantly   agreeing   with   the   other   person.   One   of   the   biggest   mistakes   guys   make   is   constantly   agreeing   with   the   other   person,   and   the   girls   think   they’re  a  pushover  and  walk  all  over  them.  So,  a  very  simple  way   is  to  ask  them  their  favorite  sports  team,  and  to  disagree  without   being  rude  about  it. BREAKING  RAPPORT  

43

CHAPTER  6   MUSIC Another  one  you  can  do  is  you  can  pick  on  someone’s  music: Adam:   What   kind   of   music   do   you   like?   Obviously,   whatever  you  say  I’m  going  to  pick  on  it. Girl:  

Okay….

Adam:   I  like  that  –  instant  defensive. Girl:  

I  like  reggae  music.

Adam:   You  like  reggae.  You  should  like,  get  dreads.   Girl:  

I  don’t  want  to.

Adam:   Because  you’re  such  a  big  fan,  and  everyone  will   look  at  you  and  be  like,  “That  chick  likes  reggae.” Girl:  

Yeah,   that’s   what   I   want   them   to   think.   She’s   a   good  personality.

Adam:   They’re   going   to   look   at   you   and   think,   “All   this   person   does   is   do   drugs,   smoke,   and   drink   alcohol.” Girl:   44  

That’s   their   problem.   Obviously   they   don’t   know   ADAM  LYONS

DISAGREEMENTS anything   about   reggae   if   they   think   I   do   drugs,   cause   all   the   people   that   support   Bob   Marley,   “Oh,   I   like   Bob   Marley   because   he   smoked   weed.”  No,  actually  you  should  love  Bob  Marley   because   he   was   a   great   revolutionary   and   did   great   things   for   people,   not   just   because   he   smoked  weed. Adam:   Secretly   do   you   just   pretend   you   like   reggae   because   you   really   like   Justin   Bieber?   That’s   the   truth.    See,  called  you  out. Girl:  

No!

Adam:   You’re  t rying  to  h ide  it.  You  really  l ike  J ustin  B ieber. Girl:  

I  don’t  like  Justin  Bieber…

Adam:   You  can’t  hide  it. Girl:  

Okay,  that’s  ridiculous.

And   that’s   the   whole   point.   You   want   to   build   up   these   stories.   The   more   information   you   get   out   of   somebody,   the   better,   and  that’s  the  kind  of  stuff  that  you’re  looking  to  build.  A  simple   disagreement   is   a   way   to   do   that.   Remember,   in   disagreement   you’re  not  completely  disagreeing  with  everything  they  say.  Just  a   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

45

CHAPTER  6   small  d iscussion  a bout  s omething  t hat  s tarts  w ith  you  d isagreeing   with   their   point.   You   can   always   come   around   and   agree   with   their  point  after  that.  That’s  absolutely  fine.  You  just  want  to  show   that   you’re   willing   to   contest   it,   and   that   you’re   willing   to   have   some  sort  of  disagreement  about  it  to  gain  more  information  out   of  somebody. DRINKS There  are  so  many  different  things  you  can  pick  on.  Another  one   that  I  really  like  is  on  somebody’s  drink  choices:   Adam:   What  do  you  normally  drink? Girl:  

Vodka.

Adam:   And  you  like  to  add  mixes  to  it.  So  you  like  a  little   girly,  frilly  drink.  You  don’t  like  hardcore  drinks  like   beer? Girl:  

I  do  Patron.

Adam:   Like   straight   Patron?   So   you   swing   from   little   girly  drinks  to  dude  drinks.  Do  you  like  pure-­man   tequila,   knocking   it   back   pretending   to   be   like   some  big,  hard  dude?

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ADAM  LYONS

DISAGREEMENTS Girl:  

No,   like   I   will   drink   vodka   all   night   to   keep   me   stable,  then  if  I  want  to  do  shots  I’ ll  drink  Patron.

Adam:   So  vodka  keeps  you  stable? Girl:  

I   can’t   do   brown   liquor.   I   get   really   mouthy   on   brown   liquor,   and   I   think   I’m   cute   and   then   the   next  day  I’m  like,  shit.  Were  they  laughing  at  me   or  were  they  laughing  with  me?  So  vodka  keeps   me  cool  throughout  the  night  and  then  if  I  want   shots,  I’ ll  have  shots  of  Patron.

Adam:   So  as  you  can  see... Girl:  

And  it’s  not  fruity  drinks,  asshole.  There  are  tons  of   things  you  can  make  with  Vodka  without  having  it   be  fruity.

Adam:   Okay,  explain  to  me  something  that’s  good  that   you   can   drink   without   it   having   to   be   fruity   that   proves  you  like  a  hardcore  drink. Girl:  

Like  sweet  tea  vodka  with  a  splash  of  lemon.

Adam:   That’s  pretty  cool  that’s  a  bit  fruity,  though.  Sweet   tea? Girl:  

You  haven’t  tasted  sweet  tea?

BREAKING  RAPPORT  

47

CHAPTER  6   Adam:   No,  I  do  man  drinks,  like  Red  Bull. Girl:  

I’ve  had  Red  Bull  and  vodka.

Adam:   Okay,   I’ ll   give   you   that.   Red   Bull   and   vodka’s   pretty  harsh. So   as   you   can   see,   simple   disagreements   are   a   great   way   to   get  somebody  to  interact  with  you.  You  will  have  a  bit  more  of  a   normal  conversation  rather  than  the  boring,  “Hey,  what  do  you   do  for  a  living,  where  do  you  hang  out…”

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CHAPTER  7 DISQUALIFICATION

T

HE  NEXT  PART  OF  BREAKING  RAPPORT  IS  AN  INCREDIBLY  POWER -­

ful  subject.  In  fact,  it’s  so  powerful  I  may  end  up  doing  an  entire   SURJUDPVSHFLŹFDOO\DERXWLW,WŎVVRPHWKLQJNQRZQDVGLVTXDOLŹ-­ cation. With  disqualification,  what  you’re  trying  to  do  is  prove  why  you   wouldn’t  be  good  for  the  other  person.  You’re  trying  to  remove   yourself  from  the  equation  of  the  two  of  you  dating  each  other,   or  doing  something  together. Why  would  you  do  that?  Why  would  you  go  through  the  hassle   of  making  it  clear  that  you  don’t  want  to  have  an  interaction  with   a   person,   and   that   you   don’t   want   to   take   things   further?   One   of  the  first  things  that  it  does  is  it  removes  it  from  their  ability  to   say  it  to  you.

BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  7   If  when  you  first  meet  someone  they  say,  “No,  I’d  never  date  you”   so  things  don’t  get  misconstrued,  you  can  beat  them  to  saying   that.   It   stops   them   from   ever   saying   to   you,   “Hey,   I   just   want   to   be  friends  with  you.”  You  stop  them  from  being  able  to  verbalize   that  because  you  say  it  first. If   they   do   say   something,   there’s   a   potential   problem   later   on   with  hypocrisy.  If  someone  says,  “I’m  never  gonna  date  you”  then   later  on  they  decide  they’re  attracted  to  you,  it’s  very  awkward   for  them  to  admit  they  were  wrong.  However,  if  you  are  attracted   to  them,  it’s  a  lot  easier  for  you  to  change  your  mind.  If  you  can   say,   “I   would   never   date   you   because...”   whatever   the   reason   might  be,  you’re  already  putting  them  in  that  position  where  the   other  person  can’t  beat  you  to  the  punch.  They  can’t  then  say,   “Oh  well,  I  wouldn’t  date  you.”  They  wouldn’t  get  the  opportunity   to  say  that. Essentially,  disqualification  is  when  we  remove  the  pressure  from   the   other   person   about   whether   they’d   date   us   or   go   and   do   something   with   us.   By   making   it   clear   that   we’re   saying   no   to   them,   it   allows   them   to   question   about   why   we’re   saying   no.   It   shifts  all  the  pressure,  making  them  think,  “Why  wouldn’t  he  want   to  be  with  me?” Disqualification’s   a   really   powerful   tool.   You   don’t   just   have   to   use  it  AS  a  break  in  rapport.  For  example,  you  can  use  it  to  SET   50  

ADAM  LYONS

DISQUALIFICATION UP  a  different  type  of  break  in  rapport,  such  as  a  verbal  game.   Maybe   you   want   to   find   out   whether   using   a   verbal   break   in   rapport   is   going   to   work   with   somebody,   but   you’re   a   little   it   worried  that  they  may  not  understand  the  game.  You  could  use   a  disqualification  to  set  it  up. You  could  say  to  somebody,  “Hey,  you  know  what?  I’ve  got  this   great  game  that  I  want  to  show  you.  I’m  not  sure  if  it’s  going  to   be  right  for  you  because  it  takes  a  lot  of  brain  power  and  I  don’t   know  if  you  can  handle  that.”  There’s  a  simple  disqualification.  I   don’t  think  this  is  going  to  be  right  for  you.  I’m  not  sure  you  can   handle   it.   They’ll   say,   “No,   I   can   totally   handle   it!”   which   allows   you  to  then  do  that  verbal  break  in  rapport. Disqualification   is   a   great   first   step   onto   the   rungs   of   breaks   in   rapport.   It   creates   a   nice   level   of   compliance,   and   it’s   a   very   small   thing   that   you   can   throw   out   there.   “Hey,   I’ve   got   this   great   handshake   I   want   to   show   you,   but   I   don’t   know   if   you’re   in   the   cool   club,   so   I   don’t   think   it’s   going   to   be   right   for  you.”  They’re  going  to  say,  “No,  I  am  in  the  cool  club,  show   me.”  Then  you  get  permission  to  show  them  that  physical  break   in  rapport. One  of  the  big  ones  is  to  say,  “You  know  what?  We  would  never   work.   I’m   far   too   much   trouble   for   you.   You   couldn’t   handle   me.   I  know  you  think  you’re  a  bad  girl  but  you’re  not.  I’m  bad  news.” BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  7   The  whole  idea  behind  saying  it  is  to  get  the  girl  to  think,  “Wait,   why   are   you   saying   that?”   More   importantly,   it   stops   them   from   saying  to  you,  “I  don’t  think  we  should  date.”  By  beating  them  to   the  punch,  you  remove  that  ability.  Even  if  the  girl  says,  “I  never   said  I’d  date  you”,  you  can  reply,  “You  can’t  take  it  back,  I  said   it  first.”  The  whole  idea  is  that  we  can  bypass  that  so  that  later   on  the  girl  is  never  thinking,  “Wow,  I  really  would  never  date  this   guy.”   Instead   she’s   thinking,   “Why   did   that   guy   say   he   wouldn’t   date  me?  What’s  wrong  with  me?  What  could  I  be  doing  to  get   him  to  date  me?” Adam:   You   should   stay   away   from   me.   You   know   when   your   mom   said,   “stay   away   from   guys   that   are   bad  news?”  I’m  bad  news.  You  should  probably   stay  away  from  me. Girl:  

What  do  you  do  when  a  girl’s  attracted  to  that?   Why  are  you  such  bad  news?

That’s   the   reaction   you   want.   This   does   a   number   of   things:   1)   it   tells   you   that   the   girl   actually   does   like   you   and   she’s   willing   to  push  against  it,  and  2)  it  separates  you  from  the  other  guys   because  now  you’ve  got  permission  from  the  girl  to  be  bad  news.     Another  really  powerful  thing.   You  can  now  feel  free  to  escalate  things  faster  than  you  would   normally  because  she’s  thinking,  “Well,  what  if  I  like  bad  news?”  It   52  

ADAM  LYONS

DISQUALIFICATION lets  you  get  away  with  things  that  you  might  not  be  comfortable   getting   away   with.   Disqualification   is   a   very   powerful   tool   because  of  that. I  love  this  one  especially  on  tall  girls:   Adam:   You  know  what?  You’re  too  short  for  me. Girl:  

What?  I’m  like  6  feet  tall!  I’m  massive.  

Adam:   Yeah,  but  I  like  them  6’1”. Another   one,   also   one   of   my   favorites.   Say   you’re   having   a   disagreement.  Suddenly  you  look  at  the  girl  and  you  say:   Adam:   You  know  what?  This  is  a  fight  now.  You  and  me,   this  is  serious.  These  are  battle  lines  here.  This  is   a  fight  between  you  and  me.  I  don’t  know  if  we’re   going  to  be  able  to  fix  this. Girl:  

What  if  I  cross  them?  What  would  happen?

Adam:   Oh,  now  you’ve  started  a  war! Girl:  

So  I’ve  started  a  war.

Adam:   Yeah,   this   is   going   to   get   serious,   like,   mass   spankings  are  going  to  happen… BREAKING  RAPPORT  

53

CHAPTER  7   Girl:  

That’s  okay,  I  can  handle  it.

Adam:   That’s   my   choice   of   weapon.   My   choice   of   weapon  i s  m ass  s panking  o r  b ooby  g rabs.  W hat’s   your  choice? Girl:  

The  spankings.

Adam:   Then  it’s  mass  spankings  at  dawn  –  duel. Girl:  

I  can  do  it  morning,  night,  whenever.

Adam:   Done.  Fine,  let’s  bring  this.   Disqualification  is  reverse  psychology.  You  get  the  girl  to  go  the   other  way.  Another  great  one,  and  you  can  mix  this  with  negging,   teasing,  or  banter.  You  could  say,  “You  know  what?  You’re  super   cute.  I  just  prefer  redheads.”   To  hot  girls  that’s  really  funny,  because  they  can’t  imagine  that   a  guy   really   would  choose  a  girl  based  on  her  hair  color.  She   might   say,   “But   I   can   be   a   redhead.”   If   she   said   that,   she’d   be   telling  me  a  lot  more.  She’d  be  telling  me  that  she  really  likes  me,   and  that  she’d  be  willing  to  consider  changing  her  hair  for  a  guy   that  she  likes. A   lot   of   these   techniques   need   calibration   and   practice,   but   disqualification’s   a   much   broader   topic   than   just   the   54  

ADAM  LYONS

DISQUALIFICATION breaking   rapport.   It   can   really   affect   someone   and   shape   their   behavior.   Make   sure   to   watch   the   “Disqualification   –   demo”   chapter   of   the   Breaking   Rapport   DVD   to   see   all   the   techniques  in  action.  

BREAKING  RAPPORT  

55

CHAPTER  8 SEXUAL  ESCALATION

I

F   YOU’RE   SOMEBODY   THAT   FOLLOWS   MY   TECHNIQUES   AND   TEACH-­

ings,  you’d  be  forgiven  for  thinking,  “Wait  a  minute,  sexual  escalation   doesn’t  come  in  now.  We  do  sexual  escalation  at  the  end.  We  don’t   do  it  in  the  middle  of  breaking  rapport.”  While  that’s  true,  sexual  escala-­ tion  does  actually  make  a  very  good  break  in  rapport.  If  you’ve  got  a   nice,  comfortable  situation  going  on  and  it  suddenly  gets  sexual  a  little   ELWWRRIDVWWKDWZRXOGEUHDNWKHFRPIRUW7KDWZRXOGGHŹQLWHO\PDNH someone  feel  a  little  bit  awkward,  but  if  you  carry  it  off  and  get  them  to   do  something  that  they  wouldn’t  normally  do,  then  you  know  that  you’ve   got  somebody  who  is  invested  in  you.  More  importantly,    you  will  know   they’re  attracted  to  you.   Of   all   the   techniques,   sexual   breaks   in   rapport   tend   to   be   my   absolute   favorite.   I   can   get   people   to   play   out   their   favorite   sexual   fantasy   with   me.   One   of   my   favorites   is   to   get   a   girl   to   describe   the   best   way   of   giving   a   blow   job.   I’ll   say,   “You   know   56  

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SEXUAL  ESCALATION what?  I  often  find  that  all  girls  say  the  same  thing.  They’re  great   at  giving  blow  jobs.  Yet  whenever  we  get  to  bed,  I  find  that  most   girls  are  not  very  good  at  it.  So  I’m  curious,  do  you  think  you’re   good  at  giving  blow  jobs,  or  do  you  think  you’re  bad  at  giving   blow  jobs?” Again,   some   girls   don’t   want   to   answer,   but   if   they   do   answer   and   say   they’re   good,   then   what   they’ve   done   is   given   me   permission   to   then   escalate   the   If  you  can  get   break  in  rapport  further.  From  there   away  with  sexual   I   can   say,   “Well   in   that   case,   what   escalation  during   do   you   think   is   your   best   blow   job   breaking  rapport,   technique?   How   would   you   do   it?   then  you  can  move   Give   me   a   description,”   and   I   can   on  and  bypass  some   get   the   girl   to   start   describing   the   of  the  qualification,   blow   job.   If   a   girl   is   going   to   look   or  at  least  get   at  you  and  describe  giving  a  blow   back  to  it  later  on. job,  of  course  that’s  a  very  powerful   element  of  sexual  escalation.  We’ve   now   gone   past   being   casual   friends   that   don’t   talk   about   sex   to   people   that   do   talk   about   sex,   and   it’s   set   me   up   nicely   to   escalate  things  from  there.   Any   time   you   can   build   up   some   kind   of   sexual   escalation   with   somebody,   you   know   that   you’ve   got   a   very   good   level   of   investment   from   the   other   person.   They’re   emotionally   investing   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  8   and  now  this  isn’t  just  some  boring  conversation  they’re  going  to   forget  about. It’s  incredible  where  you  can  use  this  technique.  You  might  think,   “That’s  a  little  bit  far-­fetched  and  I  can’t  believe  anyone  would   do  that.”  Go  out  and  test  it.  You’d  be  surprised  at  just  how  well   it  works.  Every  time  we  get  over  a  little  something,  we  move  it  up   to  the  next  level  a  little  bit  more.  The  more  we  build  that  up,  the   more  compliance  we  get.   When   you’re   using   this   technique,   it’s   all   about   making   sure   you   know   you’re   going   to   get   away   with   it   because   of   all   that   compliance.   However,   it   can   go   wrong   if   you   don’t   do   it   correctly.  Luckily,  I’ve  been  doing  this  for  a  very  long  time  so  I’m   very   comfortable   with   moving   things   sexual   and   starting   up   a   sexual  conversation.    I  start  with  a  very  simple  qualification  just   to  make  sure  that  the  girl  is  okay  with  talking  about  sex.  Look  at   the  following  interaction,  where  the  girls  and  I  got  talking  about   sex.  I  started  out  by  asking  her,  “How  comfortable  are  you  talking   about  uncomfortable  things?”  and  the  conversation  proceeded   to  turn  to  sex: Girl:  

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See,  some  girls,  housewives  I  know,  they  only  give   head   on   their   anniversary   and   their   husband’s   birthday.   But   really,   you   should   do   that   all   the   time   to   keep   your   man   around   and   you   should   do  that  if  that’s  what  he’s  into. ADAM  LYONS

SEXUAL  ESCALATION Adam:   You’ve  very  easy  to  get  talking  about  sex.   Girl:  

Oh,  really?  I  just  thought…

Adam:   You’re  great.  I  mean  – Girl:  

I  was  trying  to  give  good  advice.

Adam:   It   is   good   advice.   The   next   point   I   was   going   to  say  is  at  what  point  on  a  first  meeting  should   people  talk  about  sex?   Girl:  

Immediately.

Adam:   Obviously!  If  that’s  the  case,  what’s  your  favorite   sexual  position? Girl:  

I  like  lying  on  the  side  and…

Adam:   Wait,  how  does  it  work? Make  sure  to  watch  the  “Sexual  Escalation  –  demo”  chapter  of   the   Breaking   Rapport   DVD   to   see   the   full   interaction   of   where   this  conversation  heads  towards… Again,  this  takes  calibration.  If  you’re  a  beginner,  I  don’t  suggest   you   do   this   particular   technique.   Use   all   the   other   breaking   rapport   techniques   until   you   get   used   to   making   a   girl   laugh   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CHAPTER  8   and   have   fun.     For   all   you   know,   the   person   you’re   talking   to   is   someone  who  doesn’t  hang  out  with  men  very  often,  and  the  last   man  she  made  out  with  got  a  little  too  sexual  too  fast  and  she   didn’t  really  want  that. Sexual  e scalation  r eally  i s  m y  favorite  b reak  i n  r apport  t echnique   though.   The   fact   that   you   can   get   away   with   doing   almost   anything  with  somebody  and  get  them  to  laugh.  And  of  course,   you’ve  sped  up  the  whole  game.  If  you  can  get  away  with  sexual   escalation  during  breaking  rapport,  then  you  can  move  on  and   bypass  some  of  the  qualification  or  at  least  get  back  to  it  later   on.  You’re  already  at  the  sexual  escalation  stage,  and  you  can   move  things  up  from  there.  It’s  a  very  powerful  technique  to  use. What   you   have   to   remember   is   whenever   you’re   using   sexual   escalation   as   a   break   in   rapport,   you’ve   got   to   tone   it   down   a   bit,   or   make   sure   you   have   a   lot   more   disqualification   first.   This   assures   you   that   you   can   get   away   with   it.   If   you   do   find   that  the  other  person  isn’t  receptive,  don’t  worry  about  it.  You’re   not  really  at  the  sexual  escalation  stage.  All  you  have  to  do  is   tone  it  back,  maybe  use  a  different  break  in  rapport.  Get  your   investment,  and  then  move  it  up  from  there.  You  will  be  able  to   use  any  sexual  escalation  technique  from  anywhere  as  a  break   in  rapport.

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ADAM  LYONS

CONCLUSION

A

S   YOU’VE   SEEN   THROUGHOUT   THIS   ENTIRE   BOOK,   BREAKING  

rapport  is  a  very  powerful  way  of  getting  somebody  to  enjoy   the  interaction.

I  think  of  it  as  almost  a  brother  and  sister  relationship  where  they   are  continually  fighting  and  playing  with  each  other.  That’s  the   kind   of   thing   you’re   looking   to   build   up   with   someone   you’ve   just  met.  You’re  looking  to  get  that  strong  connection.  The  only   difference  here  is  that  once  you  get  that  connection,  you  then   know  you’ve  got  a  good  level  of  investment  and  attraction.  And   because   you’re   not   related,   the   only   reason   you’ve   got   that   is   because   you’re   generating   attraction,   and   you’re   getting   into   a   situation   where   it   would   be   very   easy   for   the   two   of   you   to   develop  a  relationship  together. Breaking   rapport   is   essentially   that   first   spark   of   investment.   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CONCLUSION It’s   that   initial   thing   that   lets   you   know   that   this   is   somebody   who’s   somewhat   attracted   to   you.   It   doesn’t   mean   that   they   want   to   jump   your   bones   and   have   sex   with   you.   It   just   means   that   they’re   interested.   One   of   my   instructors   says   it   quite   well.   He   says   essentially   what   they’re   doing   is   because   they   have   become  curious  about  you.  They’ve  gone  from  somebody  who   is  just  enjoying  the  conversation  and  passing  the  time  to  “Wow,   I’m  curious  about  this  person.  I  want  to  get  to  know  them  better.”   More   importantly,   they   want   to   give   you   information   about   themselves,  and  let  you  know  other  things  about  them. That’s   exactly   what   you   want   to   be   happening.   You   want   to   get   it   to   a   point   where   they   really   do   want   to   tell   you   about   themselves.  They  want  to  share  with  you  so  you  can  pull  out  even   more   information   and   build   a   deeper   and   more   understanding   connection   between   the   two   of   you.   That   technique   is   known   as   qualification.   It   comes   straight   after   breaking   rappor.   That’s   something  you  w ant  to  g o  a nd  h ave  a  l ook  a t  a nd  p iece  together. But  breaking  rapport  is  that  first  step.  If  you  just  meet  somebody   and   you   try   and   qualify   them   and   get   sexual,   you’ll   often   find   it’s  a  failure  because  the  other  person  isn’t  used  to  investing  in   you  or  laughing  with  you.  They’ll  think,  “Wait,  we’re  just  having  a   normal  conversation.  Why  are  you  asking  me  deep  things  about   myself?”   or   “We’re   just   having   a   normal   conversation.   Why   are   you  trying  to  make  out  with  me?” 62  

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CONCLUSION Breaking   rapport   is   that   halfway   gap   that   enables   you   to   move   on   to   the   next   phase.   Remember,   if   you   don’t   get   that   response,  or  if  they’re  not  investing  or  putting  the  energy  in,  all   you  do  is  go  back  to  comfort.  Rebuild  comfort,  build  more  of  a   connection,   have   some   more   normal   conversation   and   throw   out    another  break  in  rapport  to  see  how  it  goes.  I’ll  often  cycle   between   comfort   and   breaking   rapport   over   and   over   again   until   I’m   getting   a   good   level   of   investment   from   them.   Then   I   might   escalate   the   breaks   in   rapport,   or   I   might   move   straight   into   qualification   depending   on   how   I   feel.   I   base   this   on   the   interaction,  and  where  things  are  going.  But  I  do  build  it  up  until   I’m  happy  with  the  amount  of  investment  I’m  getting  from  the  other   person,  and  I’ve  got  a  really  strong  connection  with  them. Let’s  sum  up  the  whole  thing  to  make  sure  you  got  it  correctly: First,  the  reason  that  we  break  rapport  is  to  make  sure  we  stand   out  from  the  crowd.  We’re  not  just  an  average  person  that  she   meets.  We’re  someone  that  actually  has  an  interaction,  is  fun  to   be  with,  and  isn’t  afraid  to  tease  or  pick  on  her  a  bit  to  prove   that   we’re   on   the   same   level   playing   field.   You’re   not   just   the   yes-­man.  You  stand  out  from  everybody  else  that  they  know.  It’s   one  of  the  fastest  ways  to  make  sure  you  don’t  get  stuck  in  that   friend  zone. If   you   are   uncalibrated   and   you   make   a   mistake   in   breaking   BREAKING  RAPPORT  

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CONCLUSION rapport  that  they  don’t  like,  having  a  solid  level  of  comfort  first   is  going  to  let  you  get  away  with  it.  Maybe  you  should  rebuild   more  comfort  and  try  a  different  break  in  rapport.   There   are   a   number   of   different   breaks   in   rapport,   whether   you’re   going   to   go   verbal   or   you’re   going   to   go   physical.   Use   disqualification,   sexual,   whichever   technique   you   want   to   use.   Remember  that  different  techniques  will  work  better  on  different   people.   Watch   the   teasing,   disagreements,   and   negging.   You   don’t   want   to   do   those   too   often.   If   you   do   it   too   often,   you   could   end   up   upsetting   the   other   person   and   going   into   a   negative  spiral  where  you  both  hate  each  other. Lastly   and   most   importantly,   as   I   said   at   the   very   beginning,   breaking   rapport   is   not   a   concept   or   a   theory   that   you   can   learn  from  books.  The  only  way  you’re  going  to  get  good  at  all   of  the  techniques  demonstrated  here  is  to  go  out  and  practice   them  in  the  field  –  good  luck!

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