COMFORT
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Contents Introduction ............................................................................ 4 Chapter 1 – Pre-selection...................................................... 11 Chapter 2 - Starting the conversation ................................... 22 Observation....................................................................... 24 Approach ........................................................................... 35 Touch................................................................................. 42 Lines .................................................................................. 47 Explanation ....................................................................... 61 Shaking Hands, Swapping names...................................... 66 Chapter 3 – Transitions ......................................................... 72 The Accent ........................................................................ 75 The Occasion ..................................................................... 78 The Introduction ............................................................... 82 The Opinion....................................................................... 83 Chapter 4 - Commonalities ................................................... 89
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Location – Career – Hobbies ............................................. 94 Chapter 5 - Getting her to Invest ........................................ 106 Chapter 6 - Finding New Topics .......................................... 125 Chapter 7 - Adding Value .................................................... 132 Chapter 8 – The close.......................................................... 156 The Networking Close ..................................................... 157 Place of Interest .............................................................. 167 The Party Close ............................................................... 169 Chapter 9 – Flakes ............................................................... 182 Conclusion ........................................................................... 193
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Introduction If you’ve ever wondered how you could get almost anybody that you meet to want to spend time with you, to like you, to want to be your friend, and to genuinely enjoy your company and be somebody that they want to make part of their life – within only a few minutes of meeting you – then you’re in the right place. My name is Adam Lyons, and I’ve been a dating coach for going on eight years now, travelling around the world teaching people how to improve their skill set with members of the opposite sex. But one of the most frequent questions that people always ask me is, “How do you yourself make so many friends so quickly?” You see, I went from pretty much being a nobody as a dating coach in Central London, and within a few years I ended 4
up knowing almost all of the major dating experts around the world.
Whenever I go out and meet new people, I’m always getting comments like, “Wow, you’re such a friendly guy. How is it that you’re so friendly? How do you get along with so many people so well?” Up until now, I’ve never really put everything down in one complete concise place, and I figure what better place to do that than in a program specifically about how to make people feel comfortable with you?
Now right at the beginning here, I want to state very clearly that this program is not actually about how to get people to be attracted to you. We cover that topic in our
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other programs such as the Breaking Rapport Program, the Qualification Program, etc. This particular program is about how to get people to like you. Some people are going to think well, why would I want people to like me? I just want them to be attracted to me. However, liking is the foundation, the bedrock of getting people to become attracted to you.
Think of it like building a really fancy house that looks incredibly impressive and imposing. If you don’t have it on a solid foundation and you’ve made the mistake of building it somewhere where there’s a swampland, you’ll soon find that your pretty house ends up sinking incredibly quickly. And that is exactly what’s going to happen to you in the social swim if you concentrate
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specifically on just building attraction and don’t have that solid foundation of comfort where somebody actually enjoys your company and wants to be with you.
You can have all these fancy little gimmicks and tricks that make somebody think, “Wow, this guy’s so much fun; he’s really attractive, I really want to be with him,” but then the next morning when they wake up and have to have breakfast with you, or when they want to introduce you to their parents, or when they want you to meet them at work for lunch, you’ve got to back up that attraction with a solid foundation for getting people to actually like you.
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Now of course, getting people to like you has a broader scope than attraction itself. You can use this skill to make friends with whom you can network within your business. You can also use it to get in with a girl – or a guy if that’s what you’re using this for – to get in with their family, in with their group of friends, and get them all to like you. You’d be surprised that when you’re having a bit of turmoil in your relationship, how having your partner’s friends stick up for you can sometimes play a major role in fixing your relationship. I can tell you now that that’s something I definitely went through in my own relationship when my wife and I had some difficulties between us. It was the fact that her friends liked me and supported me that helped us through some of these situations.
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Now of course, all this doesn’t mean that absolutely everybody’s going to like you, and of course, no psychological techniques that you employ are going to have a 100% success rate. However, to the best of my knowledge, this skill set that I’m going to teach you is by far the best way to go about getting as many people to like you as possible. I personally use these techniques to generate the level of comfort and friendship that I do with people that I meet every day. I’m going to teach you as best I can the best way to approach somebody, to start a conversation, and to very quickly build a certain amount of rapport between the two of you so that the other person feels that you really are somebody that they want to have in their life as a
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friend. And from that solid foundation, you can then use some of the other programs and techniques available at www.attractionexplained.com to generate attraction, and change that nice, friendly relationship into something more if that’s what you really want to do.
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Chapter 1 – Pre-selection The first technique, the most important thing I’m going to teach you, the crucial factor that really underlies absolutely everything in attraction, is Pre-selection. Preselection is the concept that if somebody is already attracted to you, then other people can’t help but to find attractive. In psychology it’s one of the most powerful triggers of attraction, and psychologists all around the world have proven this time and time again. There was actually a great study that was done by Benedict Jones in 2006 where they showed the subjects of the study, who were females, pictures of various guys, some alone, others in the company of girls. They noticed
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that when the girls were asked to rate each guy on a scale of 1 to 10 on how attractive he was, the girls would always rate him higher if there were girls looking at him and smiling at him. Another study (one of my favorite ones) is when they
Don’t underestimate the value of preselection in building comfort. It’s the difference between being desperate and having options.
take a picture of a guy and they say to the women, “On the scale of 1 to 10, how attractive is this guy? The same picture is then shown to another group of girls who are asked, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive is this married guy?” The men are almost always given scores that are a lot higher when the girls find out that he’s already taken.
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The point is that the pre-selection tree is an incredibly powerful way to generate attraction. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that it’s also a great way of generating comfort. Imagine this scenario: A lone guy walks into a bar looking to meet some women. As he wanders around, every girl in the bar can see that he’s available and that he’s looking at girls. And every girl he speaks to knows that he’s attempting to attract her. Now, sometimes that can work in his favor if he’s ridiculously good-looking, or if he’s got exceptional conversational skills; the girl’s going to observe this guy going around talking to all the other girls and that the
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other girls are laughing and enjoying his company; That’s actually going to build him up some pre-selection.
But what if that isn’t the case? What if things aren’t really working out for that guy? What if he’s not 100% perfect? What if the girls in the venue that he speaks to are just not the friendliest girls he’s ever met? Suddenly he finds that things aren’t going well, and he can end up generating negative pre-selection, i.e., the girls in the bar aren’t finding him attractive, so other girls in the bar don’t want to talk to him because they’ve already seen him get rejected by a number of other girls.
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One of the best ways to utilize pre-selection to build comfort is to actually walk into a bar with some girls. By going into a venue already accompanied by women, you don’t look single and desperate. Usually when a guy is with a group
of girls, everyone
assumes
that the guy is
dating at
least one of the
girls,
therefore other
women in
the venue don’t
see him as a
threat. They
actually feel very comfortable in his presence. If you’re that guy, you can go up to them, talk to them with the other girls around you, and have a conversation.
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You’ll find that the women aren’t going to reject you, they’re not going to try and get rid of you; they’re not going to push you away, because they feel comfortable. They’re thinking, “Oh, this guy’s already got a girl. It’s okay to talk to him.” Then during the conversation, they’ll find out that you’re not actually dating any of these girls. They’re friends of yours, or maybe family members. We’re going to talk about the different ways of building that up in a second. So now the girl you’re interested in feels comfortable. She’s thinking, “Oh, okay, I’ve met this guy already, I’ve spoken to him, and he’s nice. And contrary to what I thought, he’s also available – wow!” and then she can start feeling attraction for you, or you can start building attraction or however you want to go about doing it.
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The point is that pre-selection is incredibly powerful in building comfort because she doesn’t feel threatened. If a lion is already eating its meat, then the other deer don’t have to worry about it so much. He’s already got his food; he’s not going to come after anybody else just yet. It’s the same kind of thing. If you’ve already got some girls around you, the other women don’t feel as threatened. But the question is, how can you very quickly build up pre-selection? Well, there are two simple ways of doing it. The first way is you can use preselection that you already have in your life. You can potentially contact some female friends of yours and say, “Hey, do you want to go down to the bar?” Take them out, go for a night on the town, and while you’re out with
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them you can start meeting other girls. You can even potentially recruit them to help you out. You’d be surprised how many girls are down for helping out with things like that an alternate way of doing it is to contact some friends and family members and do it that way. Worst case scenario, you can maybe go out with some friends from work. You could organize after work drinks or something. However, another way of doing it is to actually use the techniques within this program to make female friends – specifically to make female friends that
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you can out with and hang out with as a form of preselection.
Now, if you get on well with these girls you could potentially turn that into a relationship if you want, but if you don’t want to, you could just keep them as friends in your life. These will be girls that will hang out with you, interact with you; they’re not connected to your family, they’re not connected to your social circle, they’re not connected to your work, so you don’t have to worry about any repercussions backfiring in your life outside the dating arena. But as an added benefit, this means you can be a little bit crazy. When you’re with them you can drink a little bit more if that’s what you want to do, you could have a different type of personality than you would
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have at work; maybe you’re a bit more gregarious or unreserved and it would be totally acceptable because these girls don’t really know you in any other setting.
You’re essentially using this entire program to make female friends that give you pre-selection, which you can then use for comfort, to go back through the entire program to make more friends or make friends that turn into relationships, or you can use it to generate attraction. You can also use pre-selection to create jealousy plot lines between girls and have them competing for you, or even just to show that you have a whole bunch of women that are naturally attracted to you and want to be with you.
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The point I want to make here is that pre-selection is an incredibly powerful tool. And when people ask me how I get it, I’d say one of the best ways is to just befriend girls - and everything that you’re going to be learning this book will teach you exactly how to do just that.
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Chapter 2 - Starting the conversation
The first part of building comfort with somebody is the fact that you have to actually go up to them and start a conversation. And this is really the part where a lot of people struggle. They don’t know how to start a conversation, how to get is started or make it happen. I’m going to teach you a basic process and a very simple method of remembering some key steps to make a successful approach. I won’t be giving you specific lines to use; Instead, I’m going to give you examples and a simple format to create your own. Within this program, you’ll also have access to a 22
whole bunch of example lines if that’s what you’re looking for, and feel free to use those if you feel they can work for you. However, it’s always better to create your own lines and come up with things that are a little bit more natural, things you feel more comfortable using. The point is, each of these lines that I give you, or even ones that you find elsewhere on the web or maybe even learned from your friends, you can just put into this nice simple format that will help you remember exactly how to go about approaching and how to start a conversation with somebody very, very quickly and very, very easily. This process is simply remembered by one word: OATLESS. It’s just a simple way for remembering the exact format of how you should go about approaching somebody and starting a conversation.
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The first step is the O, which stands for “Observe.” The A is for “Approach,” T is for “Touch,” L is for “Line,” as in the line you’re going to deliver, E is the “Explanation” of that line (which we’ll cover in a second) and the two S’s at the end are to “Shake” hands and “Swap” names.
Observation Let’s start with the first step, which is “Observe.” Let me say this right at the beginning so that we get it out of the way: If you see someone you’re attracted to, you should always approach. There’s no reason not to. If you see somebody and you think, “Wow, that person’s incredibly beautiful, I want to talk to them,” then approach. Don’t worry about whether it’s going to work or not, or whether your observational skills have told 24
you one thing or another. It doesn’t matter. If you’re attracted to somebody, you should approach. However, having said that, it can be incredibly powerful to observe somebody for bit before you approach them. Observing allows you to learn a lot of great information that can help you start the conversation. If you’re in a situation where you see two different girls that you’d like to approach, it can be beneficial to observe the two, and maybe go for the one where you will have a higher success rate. But again, let me make this very clear. Observing should never be used as an excuse not to approach. Never use it as an excuse to hesitate so much that you can’t approach. Observing is a powerful skill set, providing it doesn’t become a barrier to starting a conversation. 25
What do I look for when I’m observing? The key thing to look for is people that I feel are going to be a little bit easier to talk to. I’m going to give you three scenarios. In the first, imagine that you’ve got an incredibly beautiful girl all on her own. Then imagine that you’ve got two girls deep in conversation with each other. In the third scenario,
Why not take the time to make your life easier if you can? Look for wedding rings, the speed they’re moving, whether they’re looking around or focused on what they’re doing.
you’ve got two girls with a really big, scary-looking guy. Now imagine that you had to figure out which of those three you wanted to talk to. If I did a show of hands in a seminar room where I do my teaching, I’d probably find
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that most people want to talk to the girl who was on her own. Most people would not want to talk to the two girls with the big scary guy for fear of the guy getting aggressive, but in reality that’s probably the best scenario to approach and the least likely one to have any hostility. Sound crazy? Bear with me; it will all make sense. The reason the two girls and a big scary guy is the best set of people to approach is because you can talk to the big scary guy. And if you talk to the big scary guy before you talk to his girls, he’s likely to be nice to you. You can talk about sports, you can talk about video games, or you can talk about what’s going on in the bar. You can talk about the food and whether it’s any good. The point is, it’s a lot easier to talk to a guy, because you’ve been 27
talking to guys your entire life and you know exactly what you can talk to them about. Once the guy likes you and thinks you’re cool, you can direct your attention to two girls with him. All you have to do is figure out which one is his, and the other one is yours. You’ve just got yourself an instant wingman. He’s going to talk to his girl and you can talk to your girl – problem solved. It’s actually an incredibly easy way to go about talking to people. You’ll typically find this goes for bigger groups as well; groups of four, five, six, however you want to do it. As long as there are enough girls for all the other guys in the group, you probably won’t have any problems at all.
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The next set to watch out for is the two girls deep in conversation with each other. Yes, it’s nice to go up and talk to two girls and not have to worry about a guy, but the problem is, the girls are probably in such deep conversation with each other that they don’t really want to be interrupted. So you either need to have a wing, somebody to help you out with the situation, or you need to be so interesting that you’re better than whatever conversation it is that they’re having - and that can be very difficult to do, and it’s a lot of pressure for you to do all on your own. The reason that one girl alone is often bad news, especially if she’s good-looking, is because
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most girls who are out on their own are usually waiting for a guy. Think about it. If she was out with girls, they’d be going to the restroom together, or they’d be travelling together or getting ready together because that’s typically what girls tend to do. It’s only when she’s out with a guy that she’ll be standing alone. Her guy goes to the restroom and she waits for him. The guy’s gone to get drinks and she’s waiting for him. The guy hasn’t arrived yet, whatever the situation is… When that guy comes back, he’s probably not going to be happy to find his beautiful girl talking to a random guy, and that’s when guys get aggressive – when you talk to their girl before you talk to them. If you want to avoid any animosity from a big, scary guy, one girl alone isn’t necessarily the best girl to go and talk 30
to. One of the things that I observe is which of the groups I feel is going to be easier. Like I said, I’m not going to avoid a girl if I’m attracted to her, but if I’ve got a choice between two really hot girls and a big scary guy versus a hot girl on her own, I’m going to go for the two hot girls and the scary guy, because I know I’ve got a much better chance of approaching successfully. There are other things I look for. For example, speed of movement. If you’re looking to approach girls on the street and you see a girl walking at a fast pace, you know that girl’s probably in a rush to get somewhere and she’s probably not going to want to stop and have a conversation with you. In that situation, if I’ve got an option between somebody who’s moving fast and somebody who’s moving slow, I’ll go for the slow-moving
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person. Other things I look for are people that look preoccupied. If they’re on a phone talking, or maybe if they’re really analyzing the shopping that they’re buying and what they’re doing; I’m going to lean more towards looking at people that are killing time, strolling around and window shopping or shuffling their feet as they walk down the road – in other words, people that don’t look particularly busy; because I know I’ve got a much better chance of succeeding if I approach them. A simple exercise that you can use to practice your observation skills and is that the next time you’re in a coffee shop – maybe make it a point to sit once every other day in a coffee shop – observe people around you and try to understand what’s going on in their life. Just think simple things: Are they busy? Are they killing time
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right now? Are they waiting for somebody? Are they hanging out with their best friend, or is it somebody they’ve only just met? Start asking these questions in your head, and maybe try and think of two points for every single person that you might like to speak to. So you see a girl sitting with her friend and you think, what are two things I can figure out about this girl? One, that’s obviously somebody she’s known for a long time, and two, they’re on their lunch break. Then go and approach, and when you approach confirm through your conversation that they are on their lunch break and how long they’ve known each other. What will happen over time with these interactions is that you’ll become better and better at observing things and 33
finding out whether you’re correct. In fact, it can get pretty freaky. I’ve gotten to the point where. When I’m out with my friends, I can often tell you the relationship status of the people around us, whether they’re single, whether it’s a first date or a second date just based on skill at observing people. This becomes a great conversational topic for the people I’m around, not to mention that it’s really impressive for other girls to watch. It’s a really useful skill to have to be able to observe people and analyze them, and also basically to cold read what you see around you and to be correct about it. So practicing that observational skill is one great exercise you can do.
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Approach Next up is A, and this is the “Approach.” When it comes down to approaching, it’s absolutely crucial that that you don’t hesitate. A lot of guys who learn dating and pick-up have heard of the “Three Second Rule,” which is that you must approach within three seconds. The truth is, from the minute that you make eye contact with a girl, you have to approach. Now, the three second rule might be a great way to get you motivated to start approaching people, but the truth is, three seconds of making eye contact while you’re nervously shuffling and not sure whether you’re going to approach can be really deadly. On the other hand, three seconds of really good eye contact can actually be great. 35
The point is, make sure you’re not doing the nervous one versus the good one. It always makes good sense that once you make eye contact with a girl, you go and approach them. One of the things you can look for when you’re observing is whether someone’s making eye contact with you; and the minute you make eye contact, you go straight up to them and you approach directly, no hesitation. You’ve made eye contact; maybe give it a bit of a smile and go straight up to them. Now, what if you don’t? What if you hesitate? Let’s take a moment and analyze the subtext of the communication between the two of you if you don’t approach straightaway and you hesitate instead. Now bear in mind, hesitation can be something as small as one little 36
footstep out of place. It only takes one awkward footstep to completely kill an interaction and let the other person know that you’re hesitating, and that you’re a little bit worried about approaching. So let’s think about it. Why would you hesitate? She has no idea why you’re planning to approach her. So what could be the reason that you’ve hesitated on the approach? Potentially the reason you hesitated is because you were worried that she might reject you. Do you think she’s likely to pick up on that? I think it’s pretty likely that she realizes the reason you’re scared of approaching is because you’re worried that she might reject you for something. Well, what are you likely to be rejected for? Probably the fact that you’re going to try and pick her up.
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The next thing she thinks about is why would you hesitate? Why are you worried about that? Oh – because in your head, you believe there’s a chance this actually won’t work. So, she knows nothing about you whatsoever except for the information that you plan on approaching her; you’re probably interested in trying to hit on her and you don’t
Important Rule: Hesitation is the death of any approach!
think you’re good enough for her. Not a great start to the conversation, is it… letting her know that you don’t think you’re good enough for her. After all, you’re the only person who knows who you are, and if in your opinion she’s better
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than you based purely on looks, you’re going to be struggling from step one. To make sure you don’t get stuck by that, all you need to do if you make eye contact is to approach straightaway. Something that can help with this is to use a smile to trigger a response from the other person. Human beings mirror each other all the time. In fact, when you’re a little baby, if people smile at you, you tend to respond with a really big smile. That rule applies to adults as well. All you have to do when you make eye contact with somebody is give them a big cheesy grin. A nice big cheesy grin will almost always be duplicated by the
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person at the other end. The point is, if you look at somebody, make eye contact and smile, and they smile back at you, there’s a really good chance that they’re going to be okay with you approaching them and having a conversation. Plus, it’s very difficult for somebody who’s smiling at you to be rude, like, “Go away.” It’s very hard. They’re very unlikely to do that. If they’re smiling at you, they’re probably going to be friendly and approachable, which makes it a lot easier to have a conversation with them. A great exercise to practice as you’re walking around during the day is to try and make eye contact with every single girl you see in the street. Bear in mind that you may have to make eyed contact longer than you think. Sometimes you could be looking at a girl and she doesn’t 40
know you’re looking at her, and she’s not going to respond, so keep looking for as long as you possibly can. Sometimes you may turn your head to look at her as you go by; it doesn’t matter. Keep looking at her and wait for the eye contact. The minute you get the eye contact – cheesy grin. Throw that cheesy grin out and see how many of them reciprocate. The minute someone reciprocates, approach. I can almost guarantee you that every single time you do that, the person’s going to be very friendly and very warm towards you.
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Touch
After approaching, the next thing is “Touch.” Touch is incredibly important. Why? Because one day, you’re probably going to
want to
make out with
this person.
And even if you
don’t, you
might want to hug
them. If you
have never
touched
them until that
point, you
are going to
struggle.
However, if they’re comfortable touching you, it’s going to make it a lot easier for them to make out with you or whatever else it is you’re going to try and do.
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I remember this one time I went out on a date with a girl and when we first went out, I held my arm out to link arms with her – and she pulled my arm away. As we were walking down the street, I tried again a few seconds later and she pushed my arm away once more. I looked at her and said, “Hey, you need to link arms with me.” She said, “Why? I don’t like doing that.” I replied, “First of all, you’re small and I don’t want to lose you in the crowd. Secondly, I’m a guy, and I don’t want people looking at me as I walk down the street thinking that I’m not looking after the girl I’m with by offering her my arm. I’m a gentleman and this is how it’s done. Lock arms with me.” So she agreed; about half an hour into our date, this girl’s cuddling up to my arm, she’s hugging me; she’s
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absolutely loving the fact that I’m touching her. Later on I said to her, “Do you know why it was so important that I link arms with you?” and she said, “No, why?” I said, “Because now it’s weirder for me to not touch you than to touch you.” And
Important Rule: The sooner you touch someone, the better the interaction is going to be.
she said, “I don’t believe it,” so I push her away and she said, “Wow, that is weird! Come back here, come back here!” And we give each other a big hug. At that point we share our first kiss. It’s an incredible thing. She became used to me touching her rather than not touching her. I’d only known her for about two or three hours, but in those two or three hours that I’d known her, for about two of them we’d been
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touching a lot more than not. So she was more used to me touching her than not touching her. And that is how you want every single one of your interactions to be. The more you can get somebody used to being touched by you, the better it’s going to be later on when you want to do something else. There are different points where you can touch somebody. And of course you want to make sure that you don’t freak them out when you first touch them. I suggest you first touch somebody on the forearm. Anywhere between the wrist and the elbow is usually a good area where someone’s not going to freak out when you’re having a conversation with them. If you touch somebody anywhere else, there’s a chance it could go wrong – their butt, their hand, their shoulder; if
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they’re carrying a handbag they might freak out. But the forearm, you’re never going to go wrong there. The way I do it is I just allow my hand to rest on their arm. I don’t apply any pressure, I don’t poke them, I don’t push them and I don’t do that light, awkward brush. I just allow the weight of my hand to rest on their arm. What will ultimately happen is they’ll look at my hand, look up at me, and at that point I start speaking. I never start speaking until they’re looking at my face. That way I know they’re going to hear every single word that I have to say. After all, if I’ve spent so many years making sure the words I say are so powerful that I’m going to make sure that they listen to every single word that I say.
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Lines This brings us to “Lines;” I’m going to teach you three different types of lines that you can use. The first line is rejection-proof. There is no way whatsoever you can get rejected by using this type of line. The second line has a little bit more chance of rejection, but it’s almost always going to be seen favorably. And the third type I’m going to teach you are the ones that I typically use and they can be a lot harder to learn. You may not be using those right away, but still they really are the best ones. But to start off as a beginner, it’s great to learn how to approach
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without getting rejected, and the easiest way to do that is by using a functional line.
1 - Functional Lines A functional line is essentially a question that helps you start a conversation. It’s something that you need help with, some information that you need, so you’re going to ask somebody that you’ve just met. This can be something like: “Hey, do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?” In fact, that particular line ended up making me quite famous. I used to use that line whenever somebody asked me to demonstrate my approach method on television.
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When you’re approaching on live television, one of the scariest things is that you might fail publicly on camera. I needed to come up with something so I knew I would not get rejected on live TV to avoid looking bad and not being able to do the skill set that I teach. So one of the easiest ways to approach someone and guarantee that you don’t get rejected is to say, “Hey, do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?” Think about it. Why can’t you ever get rejected from that? No, they don’t know where the nearest Starbucks is. That’s okay, they don’t have to know where it is, but the point is that we’re still in a conversation with each other. If they don’t know where it is and I can then use that to continue the conversation using a transition – which I’m going to teach you later on.
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If they do know where it is, then I’ve got a conversation started right there and I can transition out of that to keep the conversation going afterwards. The worst case scenario of a girl actually saying, “Hey, I’m not interested. I’ve got a boyfriend,” doesn’t make sense. A girl can never actually reject you; she can’t be rude to you and say something like, “Go away,” because then she’s being rude. Ironically, even though you’re approaching her, if she tries to reject you for asking a functional line, she’s the rude one. Think about is. “Hey, excuse me; do you happen to know where the nearest Starbucks is?” “Uh, no… I have a boyfriend.” Okay, you can keep your boyfriend, that’s fine. I’m looking for a Starbucks, that’s all I want. I don’t want your boyfriend. You see how ridiculous this sounds?
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It sounds ridiculous because it is. They can’t reject you for this! So any line where you need a piece of information is something you can’t get rejected for. Example: “Do you know what time this nightclub closes?” “Hey, do you know where the restrooms are?” “What’s the name of that drink? I’m thinking about getting one, it looks quite good.” “Do you know if there’s another lunch bar around here? I always go into the same places and I want to go somewhere different.” 51
“Do you know what the number is of the next bus that’s coming along?” Whatever it is, the point is that as long as you’re 100% genuinely asking a question, you’re never going to get rejected for asking a functional line, and it’s a great way of starting a conversation. 2- Compliment Lines The second set of lines I’m going to teach you are compliment lines. Compliments are incredibly powerful. Almost every single human being on the planet loves receiving compliments, and you can use that to start a conversation. In fact, going back to doing approaches on live television, one of the things I used to do all the time was that before I did an approach, I would actually warm
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up by giving people compliments. I wouldn’t try and start a conversation; I would just go up to random people and give them really big compliments. The reason this works is because when you give someone a compliment, they tend to look at you and give you a big grin. So I would do something like five of these before I approached live on television, and I would start to trick myself into thinking that every time I approached someone, they would smile because they love me; so me going around and approaching people is just going to make everybody really happy and they’re going to want me to do it. It’s a very positive way to give yourself the confidence to go and approach somebody. The way you give a compliment is you pinpoint something about them that you think stands out about 53
them that they’ve worked at. Now, there’s a lot in that sentence, so I’m going to break it down. You don’t just to up to somebody and say, “Hey, you’re really beautiful.” And you definitely don’t say to somebody, “I love your eyes, they’re really pretty.” Why? Because those two things are typically things that somebody hasn’t worked at. Good-looking people are born with the facial structure that makes them pretty, and their eyes are something that they’ve never really done anything with. Their eyes are just their eyes. The best compliment you can ever receive is based on something that you have actually worked at. That’s why girls just love receiving compliments about their hair – most girls put the effort into doing their hair and spend a lot of time putting their look together. 54
Also, you’ll probably be aware that girls spend a lot of time getting dressed, making sure that all their clothes match and that sort of thing. These tend to be good things to give people compliments on as well, specifically because they’ve put so much time and energy into it that they want the payoff. They want the reward from that time and energy, and of course the reward comes in the compliments they receive. Think about it. A girl gets dressed up specifically to receive compliments. But she doesn’t want to hear “Hey, you’re really beautiful,” because she’s heard that before. She wants to know that this particular outfit that she’s
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put together was done incredibly well. A simple stock line to cover this would be, “Hey, I really love that outfit, the way that you’ve matched…” then pinpoint whatever is matched on the outfit. “It looks really good and I wanted to take the time to let you know.” That’s a really simple and powerful way of giving someone a compliment that they’re going to appreciate a lot better than, “Hey, you look really hot,” or “Wow, nice ass!” Those kinds of things don’t tend to go over incredibly well. So pinpoint something about the person that you think stands out, and more importantly, that you think they care about, and use that to craft your compliment. Then of course just make sure that you explain what it is or why you felt the need to say it – which we’ll go into a little bit when we cover explanations.
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3- Opinion Lines The final type of line, and in my opinion the best one, is observational. Observational lines work specifically because they are current to the situation, and if they are done correctly, you’re not even directing it at the person. You’re kind of just saying it to yourself and then the other person is joining in your conversation. The one difficulty you may face here is you’ve got to figure these lines out yourself. I can’t predict every single situation that you’re going to be in where you could potentially create an observational line. What I am going to do is give you some suggestions and examples tailored for some common situations. However, you’ll find that observational lines work a lot better if you learn how to create them yourself. 57
A very simple one you can use when you’re shopping in your local food market or grocers is if you see somebody who’s trying to figure out which of two things to buy. You can go up and make that decision for them. The way you do it is you point at the item and say, “That’s the best one.” What you’re doing is tapping into their inner subconscious. They’re obviously trying to figure out which one, and you’re making that decision for them. It doesn’t really matter if your decision’s right or not, because you’re not trying to actually help them, you’re trying to start a conversation. By pinpointing it and saying “that’s the right one,” you are helping them with their decision-making process. Sometimes a person just needs that flip of a coin and your random jumping-in becomes that coin. By making that standard observation,
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you’re helping them out with their decision, and find that they jump into a very good conversation with you. Another simple observational line is when you see somebody trying to take a picture of themselves. You know, that thing with their arms stretched out and they’re trying to take a picture and you know it’s going to be wonky and they’re going to cut their head off. You just go up to them and, “Hey, let me take that picture for you,” and you step right in, take the camera, and take the picture on their behalf. Again, another simple way of using an observational line.
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Some of the others that I’ve used are when I’m walking down a busy street maybe in New York or London. I’ll turn to a girl next to me and say, “Man, I just wish there were less people on the pavement sometimes!” Again, I’m going to use this when I think the girl looks annoyed with the crowd bumping into her or jostling her, or maybe if she’s trying to move quickly to get through. It’s a very simpler way of jumping in and tapping into what’s going on in her head at that precise moment. Along those same lines, if you’re maybe out and about and it’s raining and you see a car go through a puddle and splash some people, you can say out loud to a girl nearby, “Man, I’m glad I’m not on the other side of the road!”
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The point is that by tapping into what’s going on in somebody’s subconscious and the key things that they’re thinking about at that exact moment, you have a great chance of starting a conversation. You’re just tapping in to the inner dialogue that they’re already having inside their head. The fact that they get to voice those thoughts out loud ensures that they jump into a nice comfortable conversation with you.
Explanation That moves us on to E, which is the “Explanation.” Why do we add an explanation after any of the lines we use? Specifically because psychologists have found that people tend to be more compliant if they get a reason for something. You’d be surprised; you can actually jump to the front of a coffee line if you give someone a reason. 61
Something like, “Hey guys, I’m really sorry; I have to grab a coffee right now, I’m about to miss my plane. I’ve only got a few minutes and I’ve got to jump on board this plane. Hope you don’t mind. I just want to jump this line, grab this coffee right now; I’d really appreciate it.” Something like that is going to work really well. Give someone a good reason why you’ve got to skip the line and you’ve got a great chance of convincing them to let you skip past. I’ve actually done some videos on You Tube showing examples of a guy who went up to a girl and said, “Do you mind if I have that seat, because I have a nose?” The explanation didn’t even make any sense! Yet people
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still gave him their seats a lot more than when he just said, “Hey, do you mind if I have that seat?” This is a very powerful thing to learn. By adding an explanation to your line, you’ve got a much better success rate and a much better chance of getting them to comply with you. For example, if I just say, “Hey, do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?” there’s a pretty good chance the girl’s going to say, “No, I don’t.” But if you say, “Hey, I’m so sorry to bother you, but the last three people I’ve stopped haven’t really helped me and I really am looking for a Starbucks to meet one of my friends. Do you happen to know where the nearest one is?” I have a much better chance of that person stopping and actually helping me find that Starbucks.
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So add an explanation to absolutely every single line that you use, and you’ll find that your success rate drastically increases. If you give someone a compliment and you give a reason why you’re giving that compliment, it’s got a much better chance of sinking in. For example if you say, “Hey, I really
Adding a reason to something can greatly increase your chance of compliance. Psychologists such as Stanley Milgram have shown this time and time again.
love that outfit. The way it matches your shoes is a really good look. I wanted to take the time to let you know because I hate the fact that I might go away and not say it to you and then you could go for a whole day without anyone ever telling you how great that outfit is, and I know from my sister how much girls love it when
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somebody gives them a compliment and how much effort they put into their outfits to make it look good so I wanted to take the time to let you know.” Maybe a little bit long-winded, but it does cover everything you’d need to fully explain why you’re giving that compliment and to allow the girl to really appreciate exactly where the compliment’s coming from. The great thing about observational lines and why I tend to use those when I’m starting a conversation is because the explanation is built into the line. The explanation comes first. They’re already in that situation, and you’re jumping on board with it. Why are you helping work out which of the two items they should buy in the grocers? Because they’re looking stuck like they don’t know which one to get.
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Shaking Hands, Swapping names The two final parts of OATLESS are “Shaking hands” and “Swapping names.” The reason we do this is very simple. We shake hands because it increases touch; and as I covered earlier, the more you touch somebody the more comfortable they’re going to feel being touched by you. And the reason we swap names is so that they specifically remember who you are. Hopefully, you’re going to remember who they are, too, but that’s not as important. One of the most important things for you is to make sure that they get your name. That way if you meet 20 people in one night, you’ve got 20 people who know who you are. You can go around and call all of them “babe” or “hon” or “chick” or whatever it is you want to call them, but them knowing 66
your name is incredibly powerful. When people are calling your name all over the bar when you’re talking to a girl who you’re actually interested in generating attraction with, she’s going to wonder how you’ve got so many friends in this bar when you’ve only been in town for 24 hours. That is the power of comfort, and it comes from learning how to approach somebody correctly to ensure that your success rate is a lot higher and that your chance for rejection is incredibly low. Now at this point, you’ve got a very simple decision to make. The question is, are you just going to pre-open, or are you going to hold down the set? What I mean by this is, are you going to quit at this point and go around and meet somebody else, or is this the person that you’re 67
going to start and build a conversation with, to generate solid comfort with, and have them want to be part of your life? I typically say that if you’re going to pre-open, try and keep it to no longer than 10 seconds. You’ve gone in, got your information about the Starbucks or whatever, swapped names and then you’re out of there. Why do we do that? We do that for a number of reasons. One, on that first interaction, you may have decided you don’t really like them. They’re not as friendly as you wanted them to be, the conversation didn’t go as well as you wanted; whatever the situation is, it wasn’t exactly what you wanted it to be. At that point you can just move on and go meet somebody else. You’ve already got
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them to be somebody that you recognize and that you like within the venue. The other reason is what I call the Cinderella Effect. When Cinderella walked into the ball when she went to meet Prince Charming, everybody turned and looked at her. They all wanted to know who she was, and all eyes turned towards her. When you walk into a bar or a club, it’s pretty likely that that doesn’t happen to you. I know it definitely doesn’t happen to me. But you can create that effect by having short, 10-second interactions with people. Think about it. Say you went to a bar and spoke to a random dude about the match that was being played on in the television, then you swapped names with this guy. And then when you move around, when you see that guy 69
around the bar, he looks at you and you’re going to have this familiarity with each other because you spoke to each other earlier. And with that familiarity, the guy’s going to nod his head, smile at you; he’s going to pick out your face in the crowd over other people. Now imagine you’ve spoken to 20 people at the bar and had 20 short 10-second interactions. As you move around, people are going to turn their heads and look at you; “Hey, I met this guy earlier. Hey man, how are you doing?” They’re all going to look at you and start interacting with you as the night goes on. So what happens is, even though you’re not as attractive as Cinderella, you’ve actually gained a level of attraction similar to Cinderella, because all these people are looking at you and wondering who the hell you are.
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At that point, the girl’s going to think, “Wait, who the hell’s this guy? Why’s everyone staring at him instead of me?” It’s an incredibly powerful skill set specifically based on the fact that you’re going around and having these short interactions with people.
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Chapter 3 – Transitions However, if you don’t just want to have that 10-second interaction with somebody, if you’re talking to them and you’re thinking, “Wow! This person I like; this is somebody that I do want to have a conversation with,” at this point you want to learn how to transition to keep that conversation going. There are a number of different ways to transition a conversation from that initial opener, but it is incredibly important that you do at least one of them. See, the opening line is where all conversations go to die. If you don’t get out of the conversation fast, then that conversation is going to be dead: 72
“Hi, do you know where the nearest Starbucks is?” “Yeah, it’s just over there.” “Oh, thanks ever so much. I love Starbucks.” “Awesome, me too.” ” Starbucks is so good, the coffee’s great; it’s like a god thing to have.” “I’ve noticed; it’s so much fun.” “Dude, seriously, I love the cakes…” You see where it goes – it dies. Starbucks is not a great conversation topic. In fact, most of the opening lines that you use are going to die rapidly if you don’t get away from them. The key is to transition off of that topic as quickly as you can. In fact, the faster you can transition
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and the more you can transition, the better the interaction’s going to go. I like to transition two or three times during the first minute of the conversation so that it feels like our conversation has a little more depth. You typically tend to find that each transition gets a little bit deeper and the conversation gets a little bit better as you go. To start off with, I’m going to teach you four simple transitions. Now, before I teach you these, a different transition you can use is to just do a different opening line. For example, if you open with a functional line you could transition into a compliment. Or if you open with a compliment, you can transition into a functional or an observational, so they can all work as simple transitions. However, the four things I’m going to show you now are 74
four specific techniques that make great transitions. Then we’re going to talk about having conversations and how you can use conversation flow to transition as well – but we’ll get to that later on, because it gets a little bit complicated.
The Accent To start off with, the first transition that I’m going to teach you is my personal favorite, which is the accent. The way I do this is by saying:
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“Wow, you’ve got a really cool accent. I’m trying to figure out where it’s from. Whereabouts is it from?” That’s a much better way of saying, “Where are you from?” or, “Do you come here often?” These are the classic lines people have always used. They’re the common lines people use in conversation when they’re trying to find out more about somebody – but they’ve been overused. Everybody’s heard them before. But commenting on somebody’s accent is almost always going to be a winner. The best thing is if the person doesn’t think they have an accent. You typically find that in places like America, they think that nobody has an accent apart from people that aren’t from America. But the truth is that regional dialects and regional accents exist all over. Someone from New 76
York does not sound like someone from California, does not sound like somebody from Texas, and so on. If you’re from England, people from London don’t sound the same as people that come from York, etc. The point is, almost everybody has an accent that makes them sound like they’re from somewhere else. Even if you don’t know exactly what that accent is, it doesn’t matter because you’re not predicting it. You’re just saying, “Wow, you have a really cool accent, I’m trying to place it. Whereabouts is it from?” Then when they give you that information, they are telling you so much about themselves. They’re telling you where they’re from, what their upbringing is; they’re telling you that maybe they moved around a bit. You’re going to learn a lot about this
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person incredibly quickly, and each thing that they tell you is a new topic of conversation. They’re essentially giving you a lot of information about themselves and a lot of threads of conversation for you to talk about, which are great ways to keep a conversation going with somebody.
The Occasion The next transition is the occasion. The occasion is what I typically use when I can see that there is an occasion going on. For example, if you see a bunch of bridesmaids, they’ve got sashes or tiaras or whatever the situation is; if it looks like a big group of girls having an occasion I’ll say something like, “Hey guys, what’s the
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occasion? What’s going on, how do you guys all know each other?” That will be my transition. Here’s another example: “Hey, do you happen to know what time this club closes? I have some friends coming in later on and I just want to make sure they get here before it closes….wait, wait guys, what’s the occasion? What’s going on here, I’ve totally missed this.” This is a very simple way of transitioning and learning more about what they’re doing that night. They’ll ultimately tell you that they’re bridesmaids, or it’s someone’s birthday, or whatever. A little note here: If you ever talk to a girl and you find out that they’re having some kind of bachelorette party, a
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great thing to do is ask who has the list. This is a list of things that the girls have to achieve during the night of the bachelorette party. It starts quite innocently enough with “get a guy to buy you a drink” and ends up with things like “make out with a guy you’ve never met before.” What’s great about this is that most girls don’t think guys know the list exists. The fact that you know about the list gives you instant pre-selection, because you must know girls to know that the list exists. Secondly, you can help them work through the list, but the way to do it is not to be part of the early challenges. What I like to do is help them get other guys to achieve
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the first parts of the list. For example, if it’s get a guy to buy you a drink, I will help them find a guy who will buy them a drink. That way I can go through all the things that are very easy and simple and build up a lot of comfort with them. When I’ve completed the first half of the list with them, they’ll move onto the more raunchy stuff like “make out with a random dude.” But they’re not going to want to make out with a random dude; they’re going to want to make out with a random dude that they kind of know and that’s the point where I’ll start accepting some of the items on the list, like sneaking off into a corner and having a nice big make-out session and what have you, with a girl that I’ve just met. That’s a very simple tip that you can use when you’re doing the occasion.
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The Introduction The next one and one of my favorite transitions is the introduction. The introduction works by a very simple process. The first person that you approach in a group is the first person responsible for keeping you in or out of the group. If you get that person to introduce you to somebody else in the group, and that person to introduce you to somebody else in the group, you essentially get deep into the group. Once you’re three people in, that person can’t really reject you because they met you through somebody else in the group and they don’t know whether you’re a friend of theirs or how long you’ve known each other. And the first person you approached, they’re not really around anymore, so they can’t really reject you 82
either, because you’re having a conversation with a person three deep in the group. The point is, it’s very difficult to kick you out at that point. So a very simple transition to use is just to say, “Oh hey, nice to meet you. Is this your friend? Who’s this, what’s his name? Nice to meet you,” and do the same thing again. “Oh, who’s this? Nice to meet you; pleasure,” and once you’re two or three people in, it’s very difficult to get you kicked out of the group at that point.
The Opinion Finally, the last transition and arguably one of the best – in fact, the University of Chicago identifies this as one of the best lines you can use to generate attraction with somebody – is the Opinion.
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I know a lot of people have used opinion lines to start a conversation, and while that might be an okay way to start a conversation, it’s quite common to get stuck because logically speaking, why would I ask this person whom I don’t know about their opinion? Likewise, a lot of the people you approach will wonder, “Why is this person asking me on something? I obviously don’t know them; I don’t really care.” But when you use it as a transition, you’ve already had a conversation with them. In fact, it’s almost like you’ve built up that foundation I was talking about earlier, so it sort of seems acceptable at this point to ask them what they think about something.
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The best opinions are always going to be based on something that you yourself care about, and typically are based on relationships. If you make up an opinion, the chances of it succeeding are incredibly low. No one wants to hear a conversation that you don’t really care about, and if you’re making it up, you probably don’t care about it. Whenever I’m using an opinion, I almost always make it about somebody’s relationship that I know and that I really want help with. So I’ll say something like: “You know what? Seeing as how you seem really, really friendly…” I almost always start my opinion with that line, because it ensures via qualification that they’re much more likely to
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be friendly to me. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you’ve definitely got to watch the qualification program, because it teaches you specifically how to use preloading (which is what that was) to get the person to be friendly. “Hey, you know what? Seeing as how you’re so friendly, maybe you can help me out with something. My friend’s in this typical situation…” Then I break down the situation for them. At the end of it I follow up with: “I would love to get some advice on what I could tell my friend. The problem is, I can’t ask anyone else that we know because they know the situation and they’ll think I’m being a busybody and I don’t really want that, but I
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do want to help out my friend. What advice could you give me that I could give him?” That’s a really nice way of starting an opinion transition that keeps the conversation flowing. Plus it contains things like gossip, relationships, and drama which is pretty much all you find cover-to-cover in any female magazine and TV show, stuff that girls absolutely love. Marketing people around the world have figured out that this is what girls really like, so you might as well steal that information and use it to start a conversation with a girl. You can use these simple transitions to get off that first topic of conversation. You can use all four of them, or 87
just one of them; it’s completely up to you. Of course the more you use, the longer the conversation will be, but sometimes you’ll find that the occasion one just doesn’t work, or there are only a couple of people so the introductory one isn’t possible. However, they’re all different options for you to use to transition the conversation. It’s up to you to pick the one the best suits the situation.
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Chapter 4 - Commonalities Now we have to get to the meat of the conversation. And the meat of the conversation is finding rapport with the other person. Let’s revisit comfort for a second and figure out exactly what comfort is. Comfort is made up of two things: It’s made up of trust and rapport. Trust that you’re not going to do anything horrible to them or make them think that you might try and kill them or something, and rapport is where the two of you have some things in common; some common ground with each other so that the conversation feels nice and comfortable. And this is where we start this rapport, with that ability to build up commonalities with the other person. If you and 89
the other person can find something in common with each other, you’ve got a great chance of having a conversation. Here’s a question for you: How well do you know the girl who works at the checkout in your local grocery store? You probably see her quite often every time you do your weekly grocery shopping – yet how well do you actually know her as a person? Do you go out and have a coffee every so often? Do you have a conversation with them when you see them? Probably not; this is a person you see on a semi-regular basis, and yet they don’t really have anything to do with your life other than checking out your groceries. But what if one day as you were going through that checkout you discovered that she were about to go on
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holiday to Australia? She’s about to fly out to Australia, to Sidney for two weeks – which just happens to be the exact two weeks that you’re going to be there. Suddenly, you’ll find that you look at the checkout person a little bit differently. I can almost How well do you know the checkout girl in your local super market? What if you saw her on vacation? Commonalities are king.
guarantee that at this point you’d swap contact details with them with a plan to meet up while you’re in Australia and
hangout, especially considering you’re going to be in exactly the same place. The point is, now that the two of you have something in common, you have a reason to stay in touch – that reason is a commonality.
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When you have something in common between the two of you, it becomes a conversational topic. You can talk about the things you plan to do in Australia, what you’re looking forward to the most, whether you’ve been before, whether it’s expensive or not. All of these typical conversational topics will flow naturally, and the two of you will find yourselves in a great, comfortable conversation. You’ve got a reason to swap contact details; she’s going to want to hang out with you. Essentially, she now has comfort with you. And if you’ve followed everything I’ve taught you up to this point, you will have already developed trust. They know you’re not a weirdo, because you’re hanging out with other girls, or you haven’t freaked them out by using any weird, strange lines that might make them think that
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you’re some kind of axe murderer. So you’ve got trust, and now if you can build a commonality, you’re going to get rapport. The key to building rapport with somebody or finding a commonality is to identify things that they care about. Now, in an ideal world, that would be something you care about, too, but if you’re the one going out and approaching people, you must be willing to have great conversations with people that you don’t have anything in common with, or who share common interests with you. It’s a great skill set to be able to generate commonalities with them or to essentially find things that they absolutely love, and then be able to talk about it and build a commonality with it. Now there are typically three things that you’re going to find very easy to find solid
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commonalities with. It might be great to find out that you’re wearing the same color socks as the girl that you’re talking to, but that’s not really going to be a commonality that will generate a great conversation.
Location – Career – Hobbies The three things that will start a great conversation are location (things like going abroad, where you grow up), career, and hobbies. These are the three things that most people really care about. The most important one of all is hobbies. People care about hobbies the most because it’s something that you put your time, energy, and money into that doesn’t give you anything back other than pure enjoyment.
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If you can identify what somebody’s favorite hobbies are, and the things that they absolutely love doing, you’re going to find that that’s something they really want to talk about, and all you have to do is build a commonality with them. The next thing people tend to be interested in is their career. Not necessarily because they love it, although some people do, but because it’s something that they spend a lot of their time doing. People spend so long on their career that it becomes a big part of their life, so they’re willing to have a conversation about it, especially if you have something in common with that career. Finally, the last one is locations and travelling; places they’ve been, places they’re going to, these are all things people like talking about because it’s either who they are 95
or where they’re from, or maybe even things they’re looking forward to. Or like with hobbies, things they put time and energy into organizing, and maybe even money to go and enjoy at a later date. The way we build commonalities is by looking at whatever it is that the other person brings up in the conversation, and seeing whether you have a direct commonality with it, an indirect commonality with it, or a negative commonality with it. A direct commonality is very simple – It’s also something I’m very interested in. For example, if I were to meet a girl that likes horseback riding, I could have a direct commonality on that. Growing up, I did horseback riding, so if I meet a girl that rides horses, I can say, “Oh my
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God, I love riding horses!” and I can talk about it for ages because that’s something that I did growing up. Indirect commonalities are a little bit harder. It’s essentially when the girl says something that you have absolutely no way of establishing a commonality with it for yourself. For example, if I met a girl who was a doctor, I couldn’t use direct commonality because I’m not a doctor, I haven’t studied medicine and I know nothing about it. Instead, I would use an indirect commonality. I would talk about somebody I know who is a doctor, and I would share stories they’ve told me. So I’d bring up stories about when they were in surgery, some of the things that happened, the pressure and the first time they did it, and ask them whether that was something they’ve experienced. I’m essentially using the stories
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from my friend who is a doctor to build a commonality with this person. This is indirect commonality. It’s somebody else’s commonality that I can use to have a conversation. The last commonality is the worst of all, but if you’ve got nothing else, this is the one you go with – negative commonalities. Negative commonality
The key is to talk about things that she is interested in as if they’re your interests too, and the easiest way to do that is to develop interests that are typically shared with the kind of girl you’re interested in.
is essentially, I know absolutely nothing about that. For example, if I met a girl who was a farmer, “I don’t know anything about farming, I really don’t. I like the idea of it. Tell me three things that I should know about farming.”
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Even though I’ve told her that I don’t know anything about farming, I’ve asked her to tell me three things about it. I can then use that information to have a conversation with somebody else at a later date, and more importantly, it’s given her three different topics of conversation to bring up that maybe I can build a commonality off of. This will keep the conversation flowing long enough for me to figure out which transition I want to use next to keep that conversation going. To sum up, when I’m having a conversation, I try and build commonalities based on what the other person says. Now the key is how do I find out what they’re interested in and what I can build commonalities on without turning into an interrogator who just fires of questions like, “What do you do for a living? What do you
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do for fun? Where are you from?” These are boring questions that don’t go anywhere. The way I do this is to gel all of that together with the accent transition, which is why it’s probably my personal favorite. When I first meet somebody, I say: “Wow, you’re really friendly. I’m trying to place your accent, and I can’t figure out where it’s from. Whereabouts is your accent from?” Once they tell me where they’re from, I’m going to be talking about location. I can then find out why they moved to where they’re living now, or whether they’ve lived anywhere else in their life, and that becomes a very normal part of the conversation. So I will have an entire
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conversation about where they’re from and build a commonality on it. If I find out that they went to England one time, I’ll talk about when I was in England. If I find out they went to Africa, I’ll talk about when I was in Africa. If they’ve been to mainland Europe, I’ll find out where and I’ll talk about how I stayed in France for a while. If they talk about America, I’ll talk about the places I’ve lived in America. I will try and build a commonality on whatever it is that they say and use that as either a direct or indirect commonality to have conversation down. This is why travelling makes it incredibly easy to meet and interact with people. Once I’ve had the accent conversation and I’ve found out where they’re from, I’ll say, “Wow! You’ve travelled 101
around a lot,” or “You haven’t travelled much.” I might say: “Wow, you’ve travelled around a lot. Does that make it difficult to hold down a job if you change careers a lot because of that?” And then at that point they’ll tell me what they do for a living. If they haven’t travelled around a lot, I’ll say something like, “Wow, you’ve just stayed here in one place. That’s cool; is that because of a job?” Then they’re going to tell me their career and I didn’t have to say to them, “What do you do for a living?” I avoided that basic question that’s very interrogatory, and instead I’ve managed to work it into the conversation and make it work.
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And now I’m going to have an entire conversation about their career, what they do for a living; I’m going to try to build a commonality on it. I’m going to say, “Oh my gosh, my friend does the same thing!” or, “I do the same thing,” or, “I did that once,” whatever it is, and I’ll have an entire conversation about their career. At that point I might say, “Wow, it looks like you work a hell of a lot. I’m guessing you don’t have much free time,” or vice versa: “Wow, sounds like you don’t really have to work very hard. I’m guessing you’ve got a lot of free time; what do you do when you’re not working incredibly hard?” Again, a nice, simple transition, right through to that next commonality. You can see here that we’ve already gone from that opening line to transitioning very fast to, “Wow, you 103
seem very friendly. I’m just trying to work out where that accent’s from,” to talking about locations, to talking about their career, to talking about what it is they do for fun. That there is a good five or ten minutes of conversation. What you’ll find time and time again is that whenever you find a commonality with somebody, whenever the two of you gel and hit on the exact same topic of conversation that both of you enjoy talking about – or more importantly, the other person enjoys talking about but you’re capable of talking about - you’ll find that the conversation flows incredibly easy. It’s actually very difficult to stop the conversation because it’s moving so fast now that it’s become natural and unstilted. It will be the kind of conversation you have with your friends.
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Likewise, the person you’re talking to will realize that the only time they really talk to somebody like this is when they’re actually friends with them. They’re already thinking about you as being somebody that they’d want to have in their life. But what you’ve got to learn to do is to keep that conversation flow working incredibly well so that the whole thing doesn’t fall apart.
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Chapter 5 - Getting her to Invest Conversation flow is one of the most important parts of maintaining a conversation beyond the initial interaction. After all, if you can start a conversation and you have a few basic transitions, you can have a very good flow at the start of the conversation, but the minute you run out of pre-scripted lines to use or simple gimmicks and tricks to keep that early part of the conversation going, you’re going to be left to your own devices. At that point, the conversation typically tends to take on a life of its own. After all, you’ve gone
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so far into the conversation now that the person you’re talking to is going to be adding information of their own, and if you can’t use that information and respond to keep the conversation going, there’s going to be a disconnect where you’re not really responding to what she’s saying, you’re not really talking about the things that she’s talking about, and therefore the entire conversation starts to fall apart. Maintaining good conversation flow is all about understanding how conversation structure goes. I’ve got a standard example I always give that shows incredibly bad conversation flow, and the way it works is like this: Guy meets a girl and he says to her, “Hey, where are you from?” The girl says, “I’m from Paris.” Then the guy says, “Wow, what’re you doing here?” 107
That is potentially one of the worst conversations you could ever have. Now if you’re thinking, I’ve had conversations like that, they seem to be fine to me then you’re really missing out some key elements there, so let’s break it down. First of all, the guy says, “Where are you from?” We’ve already discussed that there are better ways of finding out where someone’s from rather than just asking the question. If you have a better way of stating it rather than the standard way everybody else does it, it’s not going to sound like the conversation’s forced or rehearsed. It’s actually going to feel very natural. Plus, most of the guys who have ever said to a girl “Where are you from?” were probably trying to pick her up. By you commenting on her accent or using one of the other
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techniques we spoke about earlier, you have a much better chance of flying under that radar and getting her to feel comfortable with you. The next thing is, once she gives the answer, the guy does two things incredibly badly. She says she’s from Paris. The first thing he does is completely ignore the fact that she’s from Paris and instead says, “What are you doing here?” So essentially rather than responding to the Paris topic, he’s created a new topic about why she is now where she is. He’s bypassed that entire conversation, which is something she’s added to the conversation.
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Essentially, she didn’t really need to say anything. She could’ve said “I’m from Africa,” “I’m from Australia,” “I’m from Mars.” It wouldn’t have made any difference, because he wasn’t using the information that she gave him. He’s running a one-sided conversation, and onesided conversations have two flaws. One, all the pressure is on you to maintain that conversation, and two, the girl or the person you’re speaking to never feels that they’re actually involved in the conversation. So because he never responded to what the girl says, he’s not encouraging her to join in the conversation, and he’s not drawing her into it. So she doesn’t enjoy the conversation, and all the pressure is on him now to keep that going.
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The other thing that’s wrong with that is the fact that he’s just drilling her with questions. Once again, he’s just saying things like, “Where are you from? Why are you here? Have you enjoyed it? How long are you staying for?” and after a while it becomes this interrogatory process where he’s literally just drilling her with questions one after the other, and the conversation is based on whether he can keep thinking of lots of new questions and whether she’s willing to keep answering them. After a while, she’s going to get bored of just answering somebody else’s questions because she’s not getting to add any information of her own, and he’s going to run out of things to say. A lot of people are going to think, well, if she really wanted to join in why doesn’t she just jump in to the
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conversation? You see, she is jumping in to the conversation. Every single time she responds to what the guy says, she’s jumping in. The problem is, none of her topics ever materialize as actual conversations. You just constantly drill her as she just constantly answers. Good conversation is the kind of conversation you have with your best friends. If you think about it, you don’t just phone up your friend and drill him with a whole bunch of questions and hear all their answers, then hang up the phone. Most of the time when you’re talking to your friends, the conversational structure is a little bit different. The way most people tend to speak is with a statement, typically followed by a question. That’s a much more logical way for human beings to speak. Essentially, we respond to what the other person says,
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and then we potentially ask a question of our own. Now, we don’t always ask a question. Sometime’s the question’s left unstated and the other person jumps in. But the point is, most typical conversation is made through statements, not questions. In fact, if you go through your phone and look at your conversations via text messages with some of your best friends, you’ll probably see that there are a few questions in there, but most of the conversations will be statements; things that you’re saying rather than things you’re asking. The questions are just used to prompt additional information to continue with the statements.
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Good conversation is always going to be based that way. For example, when I first speak to somebody and I say: “Wow, you’ve got a great accent. I’m trying to figure out where it’s from – whereabouts is that from?” Then she says to me, “I’m from Paris,” I will then talk about Paris. We’ll have an entire conversation about Paris, and ideally try and build a commonality on it exactly as we learned before. So if that was the situation I would say next: “Oh my God, I love Paris! I actually lived there for a while. It was amazing waking up every morning learning the locals’ breakfast, because when you’re in England you think that a French breakfast is maybe chocolate croissants or croissants with cheese. But when I was there you actually
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get a bowl of tea and a croissant that you dip into it, or a bowl of hot chocolate and you dip the croissant into it.” That’s going to be a commonality; that’s a thing that not everybody knows about Paris if you haven’t lived there. Yet, it’s something that if she’s from there, she’s going to know about and understand and we can build a commonality on that factor. Likewise, any piece of information that she gives me, whatever it is, I’m going to respond to it. And the girl’s going to learn very quickly that whatever she says is something I’m capable of talking about and that it brings up a whole new conversation. And that encourages her to keep giving me information to keep the conversation flowing.
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If I just ignore everything she says, then what’s the point in her joining in the conversation? Most of the time, when you’re talking to a girl and you realize that she doesn’t really want to be there or she’s getting bored and walking away, it’s because she’s not talking about something that she actually cares about. If you think about it, even if you were talking to someone you didn’t really like, if you were talking about a topic that you really enjoyed and they seemed interested in it and they’re responding to you and encouraging you to tell them more about it, you would probably be
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very comfortable continuing to talk about that subject just because you love the subject so much. It doesn’t really matter who you’re talking to. The key here is to make sure that when you’re talking to somebody, you’re encouraging them to speak to you, and you’re responding to it. Most of the time, girls will actually lay out a path that they want you to follow within the conversation. If you follow that path and listen to the things that they want to talk about, they’ll actually guide you into a good conversation; that’s what girls are really good at doing. You’ll often find if you meet groups of girls that they’re always saying, “Oh, this girl’s so good at talking about the things that she wants to talk about. She never asks me about myself, she always talks about the things that 117
she wants to talk about.” Girls are naturally good at this. They’re very good at swinging conversations around to topics that they want to talk about. They’ll throw out these subtle cues. I was teaching a student the other day in a bar and he started talking to a girl and wanted to show her this bar trick that he’s learned that is a technique for building rapport. He’s going through it, and in the middle of it she doesn’t seem too interested in the puzzle but she’s going along with it, then she asks him, “Where are you from, because I can hear your accent,” and he says, “I’m from California.” She says, “No way, I’m from California too!” and he says, “Yeah,” and continues showing her this bar trick and completely ignores what she said.
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So the girl goes away; she’s one of the waitresses, and she goes away to serve some other people, and I say to him, “Why didn’t you talk about California?” And he says, “Well, I was trying to concentrate on the bar game.” I say, “Yeah but she brought up the California topic! She spotted that in your accent; for whatever reason this is something she wants to talk about. You need to have the California conversation. Forget the bar game for now, you can come to it later when the conversations’ dead.” Talk about the subject the girl brings up and wants to talk about. So sure enough, the girl comes back and he says to her, “You said you’re from California. No way – what part?” And the next thing you know she blurts out how she saved up all her money to fly out to California because
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she wanted to concentrate on an acting career, and she almost made it onto a TV show but she ran out of money and it didn’t pan out, so she came back to Austin, Texas and now that she’s back she’s been called by them again for another project. They’re asking her to go back out there, and that only happened this week and there’s a chance that they might want her to be in this TV show. This was something she obviously wanted to talk about. It had come up this week, and she wanted to tell someone about it. She was latching onto anything she could to talk about California because that’s the conversation she wanted to have. The minute the guy started talking about that, she absolutely loved it. She thought it was great; she wanted to talk about California and the film industry. And it turns out that this guy
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knows a few people in the film industry and knows all about it. Then when the conversation started to die down a bit, he used the bar game to generate more interest, and at that point the girl was desperate to give him her phone number to stay in touch. She had self-fulfilled that. She gave him the conversation she wanted to have. In order for you to have good conversation flow, you need to be listening to what the girl’s saying and responding to it. If you’re only having a one-sided conversation, then the entire thing is going to fall apart incredibly quickly. Another thing that people tend to do wrong with this is something you should avoid at all costs, which is to bring the conversational topics back around to yourself. One of my instructors has a really good example that he uses for 121
this. What he says is, if you meet a girl and she says to you, “Oh my Lord, I love Macdonald’s. Macdonald’s is my favorite food. I absolutely love the burgers there; it’s the best fast food on the planet.” Then you were to say to her, “Oh wow, that’s great. I love Burger King. I think Burger King is so cool…” What you’ve done there is shifted the conversation from what she wanted to talk about to what you want to talk about. You’ve moved it from Macdonald’s to Burger King. And while they both might be fast food, you’ve missed the point that what it is she loves is Macdonald’s, not fast food. You need to be having a conversation about Macdonald’s.
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You don’t necessarily agree that Macdonald’s is the best thing. You could say the exact opposite, but you need to be talking about Macdonald’s, because that’s what she wants to talk about. If you’re going to ignore the conversational topic that the girl brings up, she’s going to realize that you don’t really care about the things that she cares about one way or the other, whether it’s positive or negative, and therefore there’s no point having a conversation with you. My key point here is that you can even talk about it in negative way. You can say, “Macdonald’s – ugh! There’s nothing good about Macdonald’s. I could never eat there,” and then let her try and convince you about why it’s so good. In fact, that act of her trying to convince you will be her putting investment into the conversation. The
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harder she tries to convince you that Macdonald’s is great, the more she’s working at trying to get you to agree with her. Then if you do suddenly agree with her and say, “You know what? I’m gonna try it. You sold me; let’s find a Macdonald’s, let’s go and try something. Then she’s going to drag you there and to try and convince you that she’s right. That investment is a massive trigger in attraction. The harder that she works for you, the more likely she is to be attracted to you. So you don’t necessarily have to agree with a thing she says, but you do need to have a conversation about it. Shifting away from it is going to kill that conversation and ruin the conversation flow between the two of you.
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Chapter 6 - Finding New Topics Sometimes when you’re in a conversation you may struggle to find new topics. Maybe the person you’re talking to isn’t being quick about providing you with topics, and you need to pull something out of thin air. This is where understanding exactly how the words within a sentence are formulated comes in handy, so that you can use them to create a conversation yourself. A simple example of this is if we take the most basic conversational sentence: The cat sat on the mat. We can isolate different aspects of this sentence that you can use to create conversation. For example, with “The cat sat on the mat,” we have three different things in that sentence. 125
We have a cat. What type of cat is it? Is it an old cat, is it a young cat? Who owns the cat? Then we’ve got the act of sitting. Why is the cat sitting on the mat? Is it needing to pee, or is it just chilling out at the front door waiting for its owner, or is it sleeping in the sunlight? Why is it sitting? Then finally we have the mat. What kind of mat is it? Is it indoors? Is it outdoors? All of these different things are multiple conversations that you can pick out and have. What I tend to do when I’m having a conversation with somebody is that I listen
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to those different aspects of their sentences, and I store them in my head. For example, while talking to a girl, if she says she spent six months living in Paris, I pull out a whole bunch of conversational topics from it. I think first of all, why only 6 months? Then, where was she living? Then, why did she go there in the first place? Where is she from originally? What part of Paris did she stay in? What activities did she do while she was in Paris? What kind of food did she eat? All of those different questions pop up in my head as curiosities that I’m just going to store in the back of my head, and then I’ll pick one of them and have a conversation with it. Then later on, if the conversation starts to die and that particular thread hasn’t gone anywhere, say, for example, you’re talking about Parisian
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food then we run out of things to say about Parisian food, I’ll think to myself, “What else was there? I remember; she was only there for six months. Why was she there for six months?” Now I will bring that up, and have a conversation about that and talk about why she was there for six months – and that will be an entire conversation. Then when that one runs out, I’ll think back, what else was there? Oh yeah, what part of Paris did she live in? And I’ll bring that up, and that will be a whole new conversation. Remember that each of these individual conversations is going to bring up even more of these things for you to think about. So the more she speaks, the more you’re going to get conversational topics that you can store and 128
bring back later. All you need are some simple transitions to bring those back. You can do that with simple filler sentences, things like: “You know what? That reminds me…” or, “Didn’t you tell me a minute ago that…” or you can even say, “You know what? When you were saying this earlier on, I didn’t think of it then, but it just reminded me that…” and you add that to the conversation. Using those simple bits of filler text is a very good way of bringing back old topics that she brought up that just weren’t explored as fully as they could have been. If you do this correctly, you’re going to find that your conversation flows incredibly naturally, and there’s a lot for you to talk about; a lot of different subjects, a lot of different ways for you to take the conversation. You don’t
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have to agree with everything she says; in fact, disagreeing could be a really good way of doing it, provided you’re still having a conversation. As I said earlier, if you find out that somebody likes a certain sporting team, then you can talk about how that team sucks and why they’re terrible, and that’s an entire conversation. What you don’t really want to do is talk about another sporting team and why they’re great and move the conversation to them – because she wants to talk about her sporting team. You can mention it by all means, and even use it as a comparison, but remember that the core part of the conversational topic is the team that she’s interested in. Now, with everything that you’ve learnt so far, you’ve got an incredibly solid foundation to keep a conversation 130
going for as long as you could possibly want. Having said that, the conversation at the moment is going to be a little bit boring; it’s not going to be the most amazing conversation in the world, but it is going to be something that she’s interested in and willing to keep going. But this isn’t going to be like a long friendship where she’s going to want to keep in touch with you forever; it’s just going to be a good conversation. In order to convert that to a nice deep friendship where she really wants to stay in touch with you, you need to move towards a very solid common goal, and the way you do that is by adding value. That’s what we’re going to talk about next.
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Chapter 7 - Adding Value One of the biggest triggers that is going to make somebody want to be a part of your life is when they feel that you add value to theirs. If you think about it, we all meet hundreds of people every day. When we meet these different people, we have to decide whether this is somebody we want in our life or someone that we don’t really care if they’re in our lives or not. The way we’re going to decide that is whether we perceive that they add value to our life. There’s a concept known as a freeloader. A freeloader, if we go back to ancient tribal times, was somebody who didn’t really work at adding value to the group. What would happen was the freeloader would just hang around on the
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outside of the group, gain all the benefits from being in the group, but not really contribute anything. The way that human beings in the olden days would figure out who a freeloader was, was whether they would take their share of the work and add value to the group as a whole. Why are freeloaders dangerous? A freeloader is dangerous because back in the olden days, a freeloader would take all the value from the group, but not warn the rest of the members of the group if anything was going wrong because he didn’t really care about them. If a predator came along, the freeloader would save himself and not take the time to warn anybody else. You can actually see this in ape society, and there are a lot of really good books about this, particularly one by Robin Dunbar, and the concept is very simple. If you’ve 133
got a bunch of apes in a group, the apes will groom each other; they spend time taking out the ticks off of each others’ backs and giving each other rub-downs or whatever it is monkeys do – they groom each other. If you spend two hours grooming a monkey one day, and then the next day that monkey owes you two hours of grooming, and then a tiger comes along, you’re going to warn your buddy that there’s a tiger there because you want your two hours of grooming. Bear in mind you’ve done this for years and years, so it’s not just two hours of grooming, it’s two hours of grooming every day for the rest of your life. So you tend to warn the other monkey when a tiger turns up.
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Whereas a freeloading ape in the group who doesn’t groom anyone and doesn’t get groomed by anybody kind of ignores everyone else, sits around and gets the benefit of being in a big group. Then when a tiger turns up, rather than warning anybody, it just moves to the other side of the group knowing that the tiger’s going to eat one of the monkeys that he doesn’t really care about, and he’s going to stay safe. Apes don’t like freeloaders, and seeing how apes are what we’ve descended from, we have exactly the same issue. Think about it. If you’ve got a group of friends and every time you go out there’s one of the friends that never buys a round of drinks, but always comes out with you and gets free drinks from everybody else, it’s not going to be long before you say to him, “Hey dude, you
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need to start paying up,” or you stop inviting them out completely. No one likes a freeloader. If you’re trying to get someone to want to be a part of your life, you need to think about how you add value to their life. But it isn’t always about what you do for them, which we’ll get to in a second. Take a moment and imagine that you’re walking down the street and you see a homeless person. The homeless person says that they want to go out for a drink with you, maybe go to a bar and have a conversation. What are the chances that you’re actually going to say yes? Now, maybe you’re a Good Samaritan and that’s something that you would absolutely love to do, so let’s now say that you’ve got a prior engagement with one of your friends at the bar to go and have a drink. Would you 136
cancel on your friend to go and have a drink with him so you could hang out with the homeless person, or would you say to the homeless person, “I’m sorry, I’ve got a prearranged engagement with my friend, I’ve got to go?” I think most people in that situation realistically would go and meet up with their friend and cancel on the homeless person. Why ? Because the friend in your life is somebody important to you, and someone you know, whereas you don’t perceive the homeless person as being able to add the same amount of value to your life. You feel you owe your friend because of all the times the two of you have hung out, and that it’s not really polite to cancel and hang out with a homeless person. When you first meet a girl, you’re kind of in that homeless guy’s position. She’s already got other guys in 137
her life. She’s got other friends that she knows. She doesn’t really need to add someone else to her life. So given a choice between hanging out with someone like you who she’s just met, even if she’s had a very comfortable conversation with you, versus hanging out with somebody she’s known for a very long time, a potential person she might want to date, or just a person she enjoys hanging out with, it’s going to be a really easy to say sorry, she doesn’t want to hang out with you, but she’s likely to hang out with the other person. Now, let’s make things a little bit more interesting. Let’s imagine that that homeless person says to you, “Listen, I’ve got to tell you the truth. This is a disguise; I don’t really look like this. I’m actually an undercover police officer and we’re doing an incredibly important raid and
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we need somebody to talk to me right now, to go to the bar with me so it looks like I actually know somebody who isn’t a cop so I can keep my cover. This is really important, a matter of high security; there are terrorist acts going on, we’re trying to hold it back…” The point is, if the homeless person adds value to your life by suddenly becoming very interesting and telling you it’s a matter of home security and there are terrorists all around or whatever… basically brings you into an equivalent of a live James Bond movie where it’s going to get interesting, and you feel important; there’s a much better chance of you going to the bar with the homeless person now, because something’s really interesting. Or, if while talking to the homeless person he says to you, “Listen, I’m actually a millionaire. I keep things 139
quiet; I don’t like telling anyone, but I’m getting old and I want to donate my money to somebody. You’re the first person to stop and talk to me. I’d love to go have a drink with you and maybe discuss about giving you some of my wealth. I’m trying to give away $10,000 every day to different people I meet who actually bother to talk to me.” Once again you would say to your friend, “Look buddy, I’m not going to meet you right now, I’m going to talk to a guy about a business deal,” and you’re going to go and learn how you can get the $10,000. The point is, this homeless guy now adds value to your life, either by being interesting or by giving you some kind of wealth. Or what if he stops you and tells you that he’s actually a big business mogul and he’s doing a psychological experiment to see if anybody would want to
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talk to him while he’s homeless? The situations go on and on. The point is, if you see potential value in that homeless person, you will now hang out with them – if you feel that they’re going to add value to your life. Now ironically, you could have potentially added value to theirs just by giving them money. So in the first situation, if it was about you adding value to them, if that’s what you really cared about and wanted to do, then you would have just cancelled on your friend and decided to start adding value to the homeless guy’s life. But no – what you’re interested in is whether you perceive that they can add value to you, and that’s why adding value to somebody’s life is an incredibly important part. When you’re talking to a girl you need to start thinking about different ways that you can add value to their life. 141
But here’s where the difficult part is – Although you adding value to them is something that they perceive that they want, it’s them adding value to your life that makes them like you and respect you. For example, if the homeless person just gives you that $10,000, how long would it be before you forget about him? You take the money, you go home, you don’t want to hang out with him anymore because he smells…you can justify why you don’t have to see him ever again. You take the value, and then you move on. Essentially, you become a freeloader. When you’re talking to a girl, if you decide you’re going to add value to her life (we’ll talk about different ways of doing it in a second); let’s just say for argument’s sake you give her $10,000, she’ll take the $10,000 and go; 142
there’s no reason for her to be a part of your life, she takes that value and leaves. The key to getting somebody to add value to your life is to get them to chase the value that they perceive you have. So essentially, she believes you could give her $10,000, so she works hard to try and get it. She has then invested in you. The harder that she’s working to get you, the more value she believes you have, and the more she wants that payout. The harder she’s working, the more she wants the reward, and then of course the harder she’ll keep working at that. In fact, I read an incredibly good study the other day that talks about this exact process. You can think about it in a very simple way by imagining a game. The game is an auction where you auction off a 20 dollar bill amongst 143
your friends. The only catch to this auction is, the person who bids the highest gets the $20, but the person who comes second not only doesn’t get the $20, but they also have to pay the money. What’s fascinating about this is that as long as people start bidding, it doesn’t take long before people are bidding well in excess of the $20. At some point, it’s not about whether they can get the money anymore; it’s about making sure that they don’t lose an amount of money. After all, no one wants to come in second place, so first and second will keep bidding with each other to compete to go as high as they can, the reason being they’ve stopped chasing the thing that they want and now they’re chasing after their loss. They want to limit their losses and get the most they can for their bidding.
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In the example of talking to human beings and building a connection with them, when somebody starts to invest in you to gain value that they perceive that you have, they will work harder and harder to get that value. And the more they invest in trying to get that value, the harder they’ll work. At some point it doesn’t become about trying to get that value anymore, it’s just about saving face and proving that they were working towards getting you all along because they actually like you, not just because they wanted the value that you have. So, the key to adding value to somebody isn’t to actually add the value, it’s to let them see that you have a value and get them to chase that value that you have. The way we do this is by using the commonalities we spoke about earlier as key things we know that person is interested in.
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For example, you’re talking to a girl and it turns out that she’s incredibly interested in art. This has come out through building commonalities, and you’ve learned that she really enjoys talking about art. Now, you’re aware that this girl is probably going to be interested in a brand new art gallery, or any gallery that she’s never heard of. At this point in the conversation I would talk about an art gallery. I would say, “Oh my gosh! Have you heard about such and such art gallery?” At which point she’s going to say either yes or no. If she hasn’t heard about that art gallery, I now have a piece of value. I have information that she doesn’t
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know about that she’s going to want to get access to. Then she’s going to say, “Oh my gosh; that sounds amazing. I would love to see that art gallery.” Then I’m going to sell it. I’m going to talk about all the great things about that gallery and why it’s so good. All I’m doing is hyping up the concept of this particular art gallery, getting her excited so that she’s going to want to see it. If she’s into paintings, I’m going to talk about all the paintings there. If she’s into obscure little art galleries, I’m going to talk about how I’m not surprised she’s never heard about it because most people have never heard about this art gallery. I’m going to build up this art gallery so that it sounds absolutely amazing, and she’s going to want to be a part of it.
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Then she says to me, “I would love to go to this place. Do you have the details?” At which point I can say, “You know what? I don’t remember offhand exactly where it is, what the name of it is or anything, but I know I’ve got it written down at home. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll get the details and send them to you.” Now I’ve added a significant amount of value, and I’ve got her interested in trying to find out more about the art gallery. The point is, I’m showing that I’ve got value and I’m letting her try and find it. Another example of this – and this is one that I use absolutely all the time, is film-making. I’ve been learning about film-making for an incredibly long time. I’ve got all my own camera equipment, I’ve got all my own lights; in fact, the whole setup I use to record my instructional
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videos is all my own personal equipment that I’ve collected over the years. I know how all of it works and I really enjoy doing it. If you follow my stuff, you’re probably aware that film is something that I’m really interested in. When I meet a girl who’s an actress or something like that, I don’t present it like, “Oh yeah, I’m a producer and I could totally put you in a film.” And I definitely don’t say it like, “Oh, I’m a big filmmaker; you’d absolutely love to be with me.” What I do is talk about their love of acting and all the different things that they’ve done, and then I start a conversation about acting. At some point the girl looks at me and says, “Wow, you’re really knowledgeable about this. How do you know so much about acting?” At this point I casually say, “Oh, you know what? I make a
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few films every now and then.” I play it down. I don’t make it sound like it’s a big deal, and I definitely don’t offer to do anything for her. What happens is she starts putting the pieces together in her head, “Wow, this guy just said he makes films. I’m an actress; I want to be in films.” And at this point she’ll start chasing. She’ll try to learn more about me; she doesn’t want to come across too eager, but she will start to work at impressing me, work at getting me to like her, and then she’s going to try and build that connection. I didn’t offer to do anything, and I’m not suggesting that I’m going to do anything. She’s building it up in her own mind. She perceives me as somebody who has value, and now she’s trying to gain access to it. The key to adding
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value to somebody at any point is to make sure you play it down, but allow them to try and chase it. Another good example of this: I meet a lot of successful students, a lot of personal clients who come to me for private training who make a lot of money. These guys tend to drive incredibly nice cars, and they’re always asking me, “How do I show that I have a nice car that I know girls like without looking like a douche bag?” The way you do it is you don’t show off the car. Instead, you just have conversation with a girl, and at some point you justify why you could give her a ride somewhere.
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Maybe at the end of the night you offer to give her and her friends a ride home. Maybe you talk about a great coffee shop down the road that’s a few minutes away but you’ll happily drive her there. At some point during the conversation, you get her into your car. When she sees the car she says, “Wow, you’ve got a really nice car!” And then you can play it down; “Oh, it’s not as good as you think. It doesn’t get great mileage, and honestly, I should’ve bought something sensible like a Prius or something; but whatever, it was pretty and I got it.” By talking about it that way, you’re playing it down and sounding like you’re not bragging, while getting the full benefit of having something that the girl is going to be impressed with. The key to adding value is to talk about it in a way that you don’t sound like your bragging.
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You’re just adding it to the conversation as a small element, and you’re definitely not looking to show off to her or tell her what you could potentially do for her. Another example of this that I get a lot is students that go to college, and they meet a girl who wants some help studying. The girl says something like, “I’m really struggling with this project. Could you help me do it?” And the guy says, “Yeah, no problem.” She sends him the work, and he does the work for her. Another example of this is girls that don’t know how to write a resume. They say to the guy, “Hey, could you help me with my resume?” and they send it to the guy and he does it for them - Don’t do it for them. If you do it for them, you are adding value, but you’re adding too much value – you’re
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basically giving the value away. She takes the value, she says thank you very much and off she goes. You want to add value. You want to make it appear that you have some great value that you can add to her life and get her to chase it. The way I do that in helping with a resume or homework is I’ll say to them, “Yeah, no problem. I’ll gladly help you – when are you free?” I get the girl to meet up with me, and then when she meets up with me I go through it with her and I show her why things work. I explain to her, “If I do it for you, you’ll never be able to do it again whereas if I show you how to do it, you’ll be able to do it; I’ll teach you a very simple way of doing it and you won’t need anyone’s help again.” That way she perceives me as someone that can add value in her life in many other ways. Any time she does 154
have a problem, she’s going to come to me because she’s going to want to learn how to solve it rather than just having me do it for her and being just one of a random bunch of people that she uses. While she’s using every other guy in her life to do things for her, she has to actually hang out with me to get the value of being with me – and that is the key to adding value to their life. It’s getting them to see you as somebody who could add value in their life, and then getting them to chase it so that they work hard to bring that value in their life. And the harder that she chases you to get that value, the more she’s going to want you to stay in her life, and this here is the key to comfort. The key is to make the girl work hard to get the value that you have.
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Chapter 8 – The close Once you’ve got the girl to realize that you’re somebody who does add value or could add value to their life, the next thing you want to do is get their contact details. Now, there are a number of different ways of getting somebody’s contact details. These methods range from incredibly easy to do to being very difficult. But the easier it is to do, the less chance it’s going to turn into attraction, and the harder it is to do, the better the chance
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there is that it’s going to turn into attraction. What you’ve got to do is work out which one you think you’ve got a better chance of doing, then pick the one that makes sense for you.
The Networking Close The first way to get someone’s contact details is what I like to call the “networking close.” The networking close is literally what it sounds like – networking. It has to do with work and business. It is very difficult to turn this into attraction, because most people don’t like mixing business with pleasure – but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.
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The way you network-close somebody is when you’re having a conversation and you’ve done all the techniques we’ve spoken about do far, and you’ve found commonalities with the other person, typically related to work. When you have that commonality regarding work you say, “My gosh, we’re in the same industry.” Or if you’ve used an indirect commonality: “Wow, you’re in the same industry as my friend. I should put the two of you in touch,” or “We should stay in touch. What’s the best way of staying in touch?” At that point, you’re using
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work as a justification for why the two of you should stay in touch. Another way this works if you’re not in the same industry is if they’re in an industry you could potentially use in your job. For example, if you meet a realtor, you can say, “You know what, I’m thinking about maybe getting another property at some point soon. I’d love to discuss it with you. What’s the best way of staying in touch?” If you find that somebody sells cars or works in marketing and would help your business, whatever it is, it’s a very easy way of getting their contact details. The problem is, most of the time when you do that, you’re going to get stuck in a business relationship. Not so bad if you’re trying to build friendships with 159
people, or maybe even network, but for building attraction it’s not always the best way to do it. But it doesn’t mean it can’t be done. I’ve got this one story that I love telling about this that illustrates this point well in which I used networking in order to get someone’s contact details, and then to generate attraction. The way I did it is very simple. I met a girl who was dancing in nightclub. I went up to her and said, “I absolutely love your dancing, I saw it earlier. It’s really impressive stuff and actually stands out. You’re not like the usual girls who come here and dance. I just wanted to take the time to let you know.”
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At this point, I’m giving her a compliment about her dancing, and as we spoke about earlier, this is something that she would have worked to get good at so I know it’s going to be received well. She says, “Thanks ever so much. Actually, I was a professional dancer.” I said, “Aren’t all the girls in nightclubs professional dancers?” So now I was just learning information. She said, “No, actually they’re not. Most of the girls that come to these clubs aren’t, but I do this professionally. I actually do music videos and things like that. I said, “Wow, that’s amazing! It’s incredibly impressive that you do all this stuff. Have you been in any music videos I might know?” And she said, “Yeah, I was in Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’ video.” And in fact, this girl
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really was. If you watch the video again, you’ll see she’s the girl in the pink and blue leotard. So I said, “Wow, that’s incredible. You know what? One of my friends has a nightclub and he’s always looking for dancers. I would love to put the two of you in touch.” She agreed and we swapped contact details. Now this was the first step. We were essentially just doing networking. She gave me her contact details because she actually wanted to get work at my friend’s club. And I’m not lying; I really do have a friend with a nightclub, so I put the two together – but naturally, I came along to that meeting. As I said, it’s not about doing things for them, it’s about making them realize that there’s
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value in you. So I set up a meeting between the three of us and introduced the two. I sat there through the whole meeting and guided her through, making sure she got the job. I told my friend that he has to employ her, and sure enough, she got the gig doing some work at my friend’s nightclub. She was incredibly thankful and I said, “Hey, how come if you’ve been in this big music video, you’re not making loads of money? Why do you need to keep working in nightclubs?” She explained that when the video went live, even though it went viral, her company didn’t get any of the credit for it because it wasn’t owned by them; it was uploaded by someone else. I said, “You
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should have set up a You Tube channel and built that up.” She said she had no idea how to do it. I said, “I could totally show you how to do that.” She said, “That would be great!” I said, “Alright, but dinner’s on you then,” and she said fine. So I’m now going to dinner with an incredibly beautiful girl who’s been in Eric Prydz’s Call on Me video. She sat down with me and I explained to her how You Tube works; I took her through the whole process. Now at the end of it, I’ve done two favors for her. One, I’ve connected her with my friend – which by the way, I also did a favor for my friend, so I’m definitely not freeloading in either situation, and both of them think that I’m a really helpful guy. Secondly, I’ve helped her out with her You Tube 164
channel, but in return I’ve got a free meal, which again I’m not going to complain about because we went to a really nice restaurant. So in both situations I’ve done okay; I’ve helped out my friends and I’ve gained a free meal out of it. But this is where the really powerful part came in. She says to me, “Is there anything else I can do for you?” I said, “I don’t know, is there anything else you can do for me?” And she said “Look, I’m going to a nightclub with all the girls from the Call on Me video. It’s supposed to be girls only, but I’m sure I could bring you along and introduce you to all the girls. Would that be of any interest to you?” I said, “Yes; yes, that would be perfect.”
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And so I get to go out with this girl and all of her friends. Now if you’ve paid attention throughout this program, you’ll know that I just gained pre-selection; I just gained a hell of a lot of comfort with all of those girls, and of course, beyond the girl that I first spoke to, all of the others have attraction for me because I have pre-selection from this one girl. By the end of the night, I have two or three of the girls making out with me and it was a very powerful position to be in because of that pre-selection. The point is that if you use the networking close, even though you may not get the person you’re
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talking to, you can swing it into attraction from the others by using pre-selection – which if you’ve been reading this program you’ll realize is an incredibly important part of attraction and something that can be very useful to you.
Place of Interest The next way to get someone’s contact details is with a place of interest. We spoke about this earlier with regards to the art gallery. With a place of interest, you’re essentially trying to get their contact details based on a hobby. So you’d find out that they’re maybe interested in art, or working out at the gym, whatever it is that they’re interested in, and then you can say to them, “You know what? I know this great place that does…” whatever it is 167
they’re interested in. You could say that you’d happily send them the details about it, at which point they’ll say, “Yeah, I’d love that.” Then you can say, “Hey, what’s the best way of staying in touch? I’ll get the details and send them to you.” The point here is, you’re not actually saying “let’s go to this place together,” I’m just saying I’m going to get the contact details and send it to them. At that point it’s via text messages, and you’re then going to try and swing it so that the person does want to go there with you. Again, this isn’t the best way to go about setting up a date with somebody, but it is a very simple way of getting the conversation started.
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If you want to make sure that you actually go on a date to that place with them, the next potential way of getting their contact details might be a little bit better, or even something that we’re going to talk about later on called “reducing flakes.” Either way, at this point when you’re getting the information, you just offer to send them the information about the place they’re interested in.
The Party Close The third one – and this is the one that I love the most; I think I’ve used this one to get somebody’s contact details more than any other method that I’ve used in my entire life. This one is called the “party close.”
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The party close is all about inviting them to a group event. Now, a group event is incredibly powerful because the girl realizes that the chance of you actually doing anything sexual with them where they’re going to feel uncomfortable is incredibly low, because there are other people there. The irony behind that is that they’re going to be much more likely to go out with you because they feel safer, or they feel more comfortable. But the best thing is, because they feel so comfortable, they’re much more likely to want to do things with you. All you have to do is get them to
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step away from their friends in order for something to happen. The way that you do the party close is to organize a regular event that you invite people out to. If you’ve been looking at the pre-selection stuff we spoke about at the beginning of the program, a very easy way to do that is to organize Thursday night drinks after work, or to organize going out once a month with your cousins, or to organize a whole bunch of friends after gym class to go to a nightclub that evening. Whatever the situation is, you organize something on a regular basis, the point being you know when the next event is going to happen.
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In Austin, Texas, my friends and I have a bunch of events that we organize. A cocktail party once a week on a Sunday; we organize regular Laser Tag every Monday; the point is that we have these regular events that we can invite someone to when we meet them. So all you have to do is pick an event that you can organize on a semi regular basis. It can be once a month, or once every two months, or whatever it is that you want. Then when you meet somebody, you can use that and find out if that’s something that they’re interested in. By making it something fun and generic like a cocktail party or Laser Tag or bowling, it’s something that a lot of people can join in with and
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be interested in. You can use that as a way of inviting them and their friends to an event. And because they’re going to get to bring their friends, they feel safer about it. What you’ll find is that most of the time, they don’t bring too many friends anyway. In fact, in almost every situation where I’ve told a girl she can bring her friends, she’ll bring one or nobody. But because she feels that she can, she feels it’s a safe event where there are going to be other people around and she doesn’t have to worry about any unwanted advances by you. That’s going to make her feel comfortable. She’s going to see that you have a whole bunch of pre-selection and social proof from all of the people around you who know who you
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are and who are interacting with you, and you’re going to be at your most attractive. At that point, she’s going to have to invest and try hard to communicate with you because you’re going to have so many people vying for your attention. Then she will value and respect any of the attention you give her, and at that point she’s going to really enjoy having that conversation with you. That’s the reason why I love the party close, and it’s the one that I use most often. I use it because I know that in that situation I’m at my most valuable, and it is the easiest to turn a comfort interaction into one where I’ve got attraction. So that’s the one that I’m always going to default to myself.
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But the easiest way of doing that is a time when you’re already organizing somewhat of a regular event. So maybe drum up some of your friends, pick an event you’d like to do on maybe a monthly basis, and make sure you set that up, even if it is just going to a certain nightclub once a month. The final way of getting someone’s contact details is the “direct close.” The direct close is exactly what it sounds like. You say, “Hey, you know what? I’ve really enjoyed this conversation; I’d love to keep it going with you. What’s the best way of staying in touch?” Or you can say, “Hey, this was a lot of fun. We should keep it going. What’s the best way of staying in touch?” Or, “You know what, I’ve loved
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this. I’d love to stay in touch with you. What’s the best way of staying in touch?” The point is that you make it very clear that you want to stay in touch with them, and so the two of you swap contact details, based purely on the fact that you guys have both enjoyed the conversation. Now, if you’re using this one, it should work 100% - not because this one works 100% on its own, but because you should use it when you are 100% convinced that the girl is going to want to stay in touch with you. That’s why this technique can be so powerful, because you’re only using it when you know it’s going to work. You don’t need a reason to stay in touch with them, because the reason is the fact 176
that the two of you have enjoyed the interaction. If they say no to you at this point, it means that you did not have that level of comfort built up with them, and that instead of using that particular technique, you should have used the party close or one of the others. Whichever one of these techniques you use, you’ll notice that I didn’t say, “Hey, can I have your phone number?” I said, “What’s the best way of staying in touch?” And there are two reasons for this. One, “Hey, can I have your phone number,” just sounds too much like a cheesy pick up line. The more you can move away from sounding like you’re using cheesy pick up lines, the better.
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The second reason for this is that by saying, “What’s the best way of staying in touch?” you’re actually allowing them to use things like Face Book, Twitter and email – and nowadays, people don’t use their phone as much as they used to, despite the fact that five years ago, the phone was probably the most common way of staying in touch. I would actually argue that nowadays Face Book is a much better way of staying in touch with somebody, most of the time because people spend more time checking their Face Book than they do their phone; but also via Face Book she can see that you’ve got other people in your life, see that you’ve got friends, see that you do fun and
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interesting things, and it will make her feel a little more comfortable staying in touch with you. So Face Book arguably is a much better way of staying in touch with somebody than phone. So by opening up with “What’s the best way of staying in touch,” you’ve got a much better chance of having a means of communication that they feel is the best. If you really do want her phone number and want to ensure that that’s what you get, one thing you can do is as you say ‘What’s the best way of staying in touch?” you can pull out your phone and hold it open to the keypad. The girl will see the keypad, and then she’ll probably just give you her phone number.
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Another couple of things about that; whenever you pull out your phone and ask for someone’s contact details, your success rate will pretty much double. If they see the phone in your hand, just by compliance it makes them much more likely to give you their contact details. So I would argue that whenever you say “What’s the best way of staying in touch?” you should pull your phone out anyway. Another thing to do if you really want to make sure that you get the phone number is to start dialing in the area code for the city that you’re currently in. For example, in Austin, Texas, most people’s phone numbers start with 512. So when I pull out my phone I can say, “Hey, what’s the best way of staying in touch? 512…” and then the girl’s going to
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either auto complete her phone number, or she’s going to disprove me, “No, I’m not on a 512, I’m 214,” at which point I go, “214…” then of course she’ll complete the number herself. That’s a very nice way of nudging that conversation into going the way that I want it to in terms of getting her contact details.
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Chapter 9 – Flakes Those are the different techniques you can use to get someone’s contact details, and if you’ve done it correctly, they should want to stay in touch with you. However, there is always a chance that you’re going to get a flake. What I’m going to talk about now is the best way to reduce those flakes. One of the things that students absolutely hate about going out and meeting girls is when they flake. It’s a horrible situation; you’ve met a girl, you’ve had a great conversation with them, then for whatever reason, she decides she doesn’t want to stay in touch with you so she starts ignoring 182
your text messages or phone calls and then she essentially flakes. What’s worse is when you set up a date with somebody and they totally flake on the date and they don’t come and hang out with you. Reducing a flake is all about ensuring that the initial interaction is so solid that they would feel bad for flaking on you. And the way you do this is by having a longer interaction. I’ve found that with almost every single student I’ve ever had who has had a flake from a girl, it has come from a number of factors. One, the initial interaction was far too short. If you think about it, if you’re only having a short 3minute interaction with a girl and then she goes off and she has the rest of the day, that 3-minute 183
interaction can get lost during the day, and it’s not long before you’re just some random guy that was talking to her in the street. No matter how good the conversation was, if it was only 3 to 5 minutes long, she’s not really going to remember it as being something that great. On the other hand, if when you met her your interaction lasted 20 minutes, half an hour, 45 minutes or an hour, two hours, you’re going to have a much better chance of them remembering exactly who you are. When I first meet a girl, I try to make sure that my initial interaction lasts at least an hour or two. That way I know that she’s going to remember exactly who I am, and she’s going to want to spend time with me.
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The next factor in why people tend to get flakes is that the reason they use to stay in touch is not something the girl really cares about. I had a friend who would always invite girls out to eat at an Ethiopian restaurant with him, and girls would cancel on that all the time. They would always flake and not show up. He said to me, “I don’t understand, we have a great interaction, it can last an hour, and then they don’t show up.” I said to him, “Did you consider the fact that maybe she just doesn’t want to eat at an Ethiopian restaurant?” The minute he changed it up and started finding out what the girl’s favorite food was, then inviting them to a restaurant that 185
sold their favorite type of food rather than one they’d never heard of before, his flake rate drastically decreased and he had more and more girls going out with him. Why? Because people are very aware of their time; time is valuable to them, and they don’t want to waste their time doing something they don’t necessarily enjoy. I had a student the other day who met a girl on Saturday, made out with her, and the next day he invited her to go to a gun shooting event, and she flaked on him. I said to him, “Why did you invite her to a gun shooting event? She wanted to hang out with you and have dinner.” He said, “Well, I thought it would be fun to go and shoot some guns.” I said, “Did you ever consider whether she
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liked shooting guns or not?” He said, “Well, she doesn’t like shooting guns, but I thought it would be a great way of getting her into it.” I said, “But she doesn’t want to do it, that’s why she flaked! She didn’t flake on you, she flaked on the gun event. She doesn’t want to go and shoot guns, she told you that. By you trying to force her into it, she knows you’re not the kind of person she wants to be with.” One of the other reasons that girls flake is because they don’t want to do whatever the activity is that you’ve asked them to do. The third and final cause of flaking is that you don’t give them a reason to hang out with you. Some people will say, “Hey do
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you want to hang out sometime?” Why would she want to hang out sometime? If a girl is beautiful; if you’re attracted to her, she’s probably got options. I would argue that any beautiful girl I’ve ever met has multiple guys she can choose from to hang out with. The guy that she hangs out with is the one she feels she’s going to get the most value out of hanging out with. She’s going to enjoy the time with him, she’s going to have a lot of fun, and she’s going to enjoy going on that activity. Given a choice between just “hanging out” with a guy just for the sake of hanging out and buying a drink, versus going to a mini golf course late at night with neon and a DJ, she’s probably going to 188
go to the mini golf course because that’s fun and that’s something she hasn’t done before. For example, when we meet girls and invite them to Laser Tag, it’s really easy to get them to go, because it’s something they haven’t done since they were kids, it’s a very non-threatening environment, and sounds like a lot of fun. What we don’t tell them is that after Laser Tag we tend to go and get food, then after that we go to a bar. At that point, they’re kind of committing to all three because after Laser Tag everyone’s hungry and wants to get food, and then after food everyone wants to go to the bar. But they feel comfortable and safe coming to Laser Tag, and it’s a lot more
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fun than hanging out with a random guy they’ve just met. The point is, if you don’t give someone a reason to hang out with you, why would they hang out with you? I always say it like this: If you’re a dude and you meet a guy in a bar and the guy says to you, “Hey, let’s just hang out one day,” would you say yes to that? Probably not. To a girl, you are just a guy in a bar. It’s exactly the same as if you were to meet a guy in a bar; to her it’s just a dude in a bar. She hasn’t made a commitment to whether she wants to have sex with you or not, she’s just looking at you as guy in a bar and she doesn’t just want to hang out; she wants to hang out for a reason. If you give her 190
a reason and it’s a fun reason and something she’s going to enjoy, nine times out of ten she’ll come out just for that reason; it sounds like fun anyway. And the fact that you’re there is an added bonus. Then she can get to meet you at that event and get to know you. That’s why whenever I’m setting people up to come out on dates with me, I’m always trying to make sure they’re fun and interesting activities that anybody would want to go to, irrespective of dating or not. That’s one of the best ways of reducing flakes. To sum up, one: Make sure that you’re having a good interaction with them that lasts for a solid period of time. Two: Make sure that the event 191
you’re inviting them out for is something they’d actually be interested in doing. Three: Make sure you’re actually inviting them out for an event. Have something that they can do beyond just hanging out with you. If you do that, you’re going to find that your flakes drastically drop, and that the people you speak to are going to want to talk to you, and they are going to want to stay in touch with you and hang out with you.
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Conclusion So if we look at everything as a recap, the first thing that you’re trying to do with anyone that you meet is to get them to want to spend time with you. If they don’t want to spend time with you, then you’ve got no chance of turning it into any level of attraction. And the easiest way of making someone feel comfortable and want to spend time with you is to build up comfort with them. If they feel comfort with you, they’re going to be okay hanging out with you. Comfort is a mixture of trust and rapport. If the person trusts that you’re not going to do anything
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horrible to them, and they have some kind of commonality with you, they’re going to feel comfortable talking to you, and they’re going to have things to talk about with you. Then all you have to do is make sure you’re responding to absolutely everything they say and encouraging the conversation to go down the lines that the other person is interested in talking about. Make sure that you use conversational flow to respond to the things they’re saying, and keep the entire thing going and find out how you can potentially be seen as someone who could add value to their life. Get them to chase that value; get them to try and find out as much as they can, or get you to add 194
value to their life as much as possible, and the harder they work at putting that value in, the more they’ll want to spend time with you. Then you can use that to justify why you should get their contact details. Get their contact details and stay in touch. By making sure the reason for staying in touch with you is something they care about, they’re not going to flake. And once they’ve started hanging out with you, they’re going to want to keep hanging out with you. As long as you remember this throughout all of the interactions that you have, you’ll find that almost everybody you speak to is going to want to spend
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time with you. They’re going to want to be with you, and they’re going to feel incredibly comfortable being around you and having you as a part of your life.
At this point, people are going to look at you and think, “This is somebody who makes a great friend. This is somebody that I love having in my life.” And everybody around you is going to wonder why everyone who meets you loves you and wants you to be a part of their life.
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Once you’ve built up this solid foundation of people that want to hang out with you and want to be with you, you can use that to generate pre-selection, a lot of social proof to add social value, to help you network within your business, and more importantly have an incredibly solid foundation from which you can build attraction with any of those girls in your life.
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