UNDERSTANDING & CORRECTING CROSS-HIERARCHICAL PROTECTION –
OCEAN 1
FILM TRANSCRIPT
T C O
Tony Robbins Cloe Madanes Ocean DVD
C: Are you ever frightened about your children’s behavior? Are you sometimes truly scared or afraid for their life, fearful that they would hurt themselves or be hurt by others? This film will show you how to understand your adolescent child and how to relate to your children so you no longer need to be afraid !e start with Tony Tony Robbins tal"ing to a large audience T: #ow many of you have "ids? $et me see a show of hands %Audience members raise hands& !ow !ow #ow many have teenage "ids? Meaning, twelve u', you "now, " now, that "ind of thing (ood #ow many have challenges with your "ids at times that you don’t understand !ell !ell even more hands than "ids " ids now, that’s that’s interesting %Audience laughs& ) *m, + thin" sometimes it’s because we’re udging our "ids behavior and we don ’t understand what’s going on inside for them All we "now is we don’t li"e the behavior -cause it scares us -cause we love them, we don’t want to see them get hurt !e !e have our own udgments about what that’d be b e and there’s a dynamic !hatever they’re doing is they’re doing it to try to meat their needs but when you were a young 'erson, every one of us in this room, you didn’t thoroughly und erstand what was driving you Most of you are learning 'robably for the first time what’s driving you, some of you while you’re here .o, it might be useful to start with a young 'erson so + wanna wan na 'ic" somebody that + see in the room bac" there that + "now which is Ocean Ocean, why don’t you come on u' here? (ive her a big hand Ocean %Audience cheers& .o, + ha''en to "now Ocean and she’s been dealing with some shifts in her life !hy don’t you share with 'eo'le what you’re e/'erience e /'erience has been !hat’s going on in your life right now? O: *m, for about this 'ast two months, + have been smo"ing 'ot, and every now and then s"i''ing school, and of course my 'arents don’t "now The fact that they didn’t "now totally f%blee'&ed me right u' +t’s li"e 'art of my language, but, you "now T: #ow old are you? O: +’m fourteen .o, having two se'arate lives, with my friends and at school and stuff, + could ust be however, right, and they wouldn’t li"e care, and smo"e 'ot or whatever, right, and then at home +’d be the way + have been before
T: #ow were you before? O: !ell, + didn’t smo"e 'ot, and + didn’t s"i' school, and + was focused on schoolwor" and family and stuff T: !hat made that change? !hat made you decide that you were gonna start smo"ing 'ot and s"i''ing school? O: !ell sim'le curiosity of smo"ing 'ot was what got me started, and then + "e't smo"ing 'ot because + li"ed it T: 0ow what about your legs? O: About my legs? Oh, right, right, right, yea %$ong 'ause& T: $oo" at me 1o you trust me? 1o you trust me to care for you? O: %Crying& 2ea T: To love you and not to let you be hurt? O: 2ea T: 1o you? Then do this with me O)? And don’t hold bac" !hat about your legs? C: 3ecause Ocean is a family relative of Tony’s, he "new that she had been cutting her legs Ocean a''ears embarrassed to tal" about this and begins by telling the story of the events that lead to her cutting herself O: On #alloween + went to a 'arty at my friend .am’s house !e li"e decided to, we’d throw a 'arty and have a cou'le of our friends over and, um, that night li"e all of our little grou' of friends li"e everybody had had little 'roblems with each other and stuff and so everyone was li"e fighting and duh4duh4duh and whatever and finally we all tal"ed it out and dealt with it and everything was good and my, which would be my boyfriend right now but we weren’t going out at the time, so the guy + li"ed, he showed u' .o everything was li"e totally going good, right, for about two minutes, and then + had to go home My 'arents came to 'ic" me u' and + didn’t understand why + couldn’t stay $i"e + didn’t see what the big issue was for me staying there C: 5rom Ocean’s 'oint of view, the 'arents had given no e/'lanation for why she had to leave the 'arty +t’s 6uite 'ossible that Ocean wasn’t listening to her 'arents, but it’s 6uite clear that her 'arents were not listening to her
O: And then + went home, and then my ste'4mom, 3arb, + could hear her li"e b%blee'&ing to my dad about it 7ust li"e everything + do isn’t good enough for her, anything + do, duh4 duh4duh, whatever, right, and he doesn’t "now how to ta"e that -cause, well + don’t "now, he doesn’t "now where +’m at or where she’s at really, but anyway T: !hat do you mean he doesn’t "now where you’re at or where she’s at? !hat does that mean? O: !ell he doesn’t "now, -cause he didn’t, he hadn’t tal"ed to me yet, so he doesn’t "now why + was so li"e u'set about leaving and he, well obviously he eventually figured out why she got so mad is -cause + was so 'issed off and she didn’t understand why + was so 'issed off Anyway Communication8 T: And why were you 'issed off? 2ou were 'issed off -cause that boy was there and you were finally connecting? O: 2ea, li"e he finally showed u', but also li"e me and all my friends were finally good T: Right, you ust, going through all that stuff, right O: 2ea T: 2ea O: .o, li"e finally our close grou' was great and then + had to leave, right? 3ut anyway, so + go home .o + sat in my room for li"e and hour and twenty minutes ust 'issed off and crying and stuff, and they’re ust sitting out there tal"ing and whatever and so +’m in my room and +’m li"e, 'issed right off, +’m li"e8 + didn’t "now what to do -cause + really didn’t want to be there + wasn’t, + don’t "now + was contem'lating li"e, 91o + tell them? $i"e + want to go bac" but it ust wouldn’t really matter anyway but whatever, anyway, so +’m sitting in my room for li"e an hour and twenty4minutes, ust 'issed right off, and then finally my dad comes in and then we get in a huge argument and8 T: !hat did you argue over? O: Argued about why + was so mad and, and + told him li"e + don’t understand what is the big deal about me going and s'ending the night One night $i"e, #alloween’s once a year One night ;ven though there’s school the ne/t day, it’s not gonna li"e "ill anybody #e’s li"e, 9Oh, you’re gonna fail your classed, you’re not gonna do good in school +’m li"e, 91ad, li"e chill out, right, 9li"e it’s one night +t’s not gonna ma"e me fail my classes, it’s O) #e’s li"e, 90o, blah4blah4blah, and he li"e totally got all mad !e got in this huge, huge fight till li"e one in the morning + can’t really remember li"e what the big 'roblem was, but li"e, + don’t "now !e got in this huge fight over li"e ust everything
T: 2ea but what was the core of it? !hat was the biggest 'ortion of the fight? !hat was it really about? +t wasn’t ust about you not being able to stay there, was it? There’s something else that’s been a tension there for you !hat was not s'o"en that you were mad about? !hat are you really mad about at home? O: At home? T: At home, what are you really mad about? O: !ell, it ust really 'issed me off that + couldn’t stay $i"e, it really 'issed me off because + really did not understand what the big deal was because it’s only night $i"e realistically, if you figure it out, ust ta"e the basics of it, it’s only one night, and #alloween is one night out of the whole year, and he’s ma"ing this huge issue li"e, 92ou’re gonna fail your classes, it’s terrible, she’s gonna ma"e you clean the house after, you’re gonna get no rest and they e/'ect you to go to school, and duh4duh4duh, and +’m li"e, 9Rela/< T: .o what did you feel about that That he d idn’t trust you or he didn’t believe in you or he didn’t care about you or8 what was the meaning you gave to that? -Cause it u'set you +t u'set you more that you weren’t there +t u'set you that he didn’t what? O: $i"e, understand #e didn’t get where + was coming from, and + "e't telling him $i"e, 9+ don’t understand, + don’t understand, and he’s li"e, 9!ell + don’t understand why you’re ma"ing it such a big issue, duh4duh4duh4duh4duh8 +’m li"e T: +s that the tone of voice he usees? !ul4ul4ul4ul4ul4ul? O: !ell +’m trying to imitate a man T: O) %Audience laughs, Ocean laughs& .o, so you guys argued to one in the morning O: 2ea C: The father stayed in Ocean’s room arguing until one in the morning This is e/treme behavior on the 'art of the father and indicates his intense involvement with Ocean Tony "new that Ocean’s father had been an alcoholic and that the mother still was a drug addict #e also "new that one day, when Ocean was a toddler, the father saw her as an angel and reali=ed that he had to sto' drin"ing, and he did .ince then, Ocean was on a 'edestal for him .he was the angel who had saved his life O And then + was really, really mad about the, wait, + have to thin" -cause + can’t remember that night, O) Oh< O), O), %laughs& O) *m, so whatever, we got in this huge fight about ust that night and whatever, right? And then the ne/t morning, O) O) now +’m remembering, O) #ere we go #e ended u' calling me mani'ulative, li"e a hundred times during that conversation #e’s li"e, 92ou’re mani'ulative, you don’t care about us, and duh4duh4duh 0o matter what we do, you don’t care, res'ect it, and all this
stuff +’m li"e where are you coming from? #onestly, all + wanted to do was go to a 'arty and you’re getting all this information li"e + don’t care, + don’t love you guys or res'ect you and all this and +’m li"e, wholly8 he’s cra=y 3ut anyway, um, so yea + ended u' calling mani'ulative and then he as"ed me8 Oh my (od +’m remembering so much now O) *m, because + always want to be with my b est friend .am, li"e why wouldn’t +? .he’s my best friend, right? $i"e we’re total buddies and stuff, and he’s li"e, 9+ don’t understand what this big obsession with .am is, why do you always need to be with her, duh4duh4duh4duh, and +’m li"e, 9Cause we’re best friends8 right? $i"e, whatever And then 3arb, my ste'4mom, she ended u', um, saying during the conversation, 9Are you se/ually attracted to .am? Are you li"e a lesbian with her? +s that why you need to be with her all the time? 1o you need to see a shrin"? Are you co4de'endant? Oh, that 'issed me off + was li"e, 92ea, that’s it 3arb !hatever And then that 'issed her off, but whatever, and then she told me to have some res'ect and + ust "ind of sat there !hatever C: Character attac"s attributing traits such as mani'ulative, lesbian, or code'endent are not a good way to have a discussion with a teenager +t is no wonder that Ocean felt misunderstood #owever, the 'arents’ behavior is understandable given that at some level, they 'robably reali=ed that Ocean was leading a double life, smo"ing 'ot and doing 'oorly at school, even though they didn’t "now it for a fact O: And he as"ed me, he’s li"e, 9+f you had an o'tion, would you go live with .am? and + thought about it and + said, 9!ell yea 3ut then we ended u' tal"ing and then he’s li"e, 9O) you’ve li"e twenty minutes to ma"e a decision as to whether or not you want to go live with .am, -cause he was li"e serious about it At least + thought he was And then, well + had my decision in my head but + was drawing so + ust stayed there and drew and "ind of simmered down a little bit And then + went bac" out and sat down with them and li"e my decision is +’d li"e to go live with .am, right? And then he’s li"e, 9Oh, you’re not going to +’m li"e, 9!hy did you as" me? #e’s li"e, 93ecause in order to8 -cause + wanted to see where you were at 3ecause in order to see that + had to be mani'ulative because the only way to get through, across, or figure our where you’re at -cause you’re mani'ulative + had to mani'ulate you + was li"e, 9Oh, than"s C: .uggesting that the teenager can decide whether to live with someone else is a 'ainful escalation of the conflict This escalation was 'articularly 'ainful to Ocean because she had been living with her mother until the mother’s behavior became so disturbed that the father finally gained custody and she moved in with him O: And the way it ended is he’s li"e, well he ust 'retty much told me to go to bed .o it’s li"e one in the morning, go to bed, wa"e u', go to the bathroom, come bac", my bed’s me, and there’s a note saying, 9!e love you always, Ocean +’m li"e, oh, well, yea .o + was li"e what are they doing? $i"e where are they at? $i"e he’s li"e calling me a mani'ulative little li"e whatever, right? And she’s li"e telling me off and all this, and then the ne/t day he’s all li"e, 9oh we love you and ma"ing my bed and ma"ing me brea"fast and all this .o +’m li"e, what? They’re cra=y< !hat are they doing, where are they at? $i"e, what the hell? .o +’m totally screwed right in the head
C: The 'arents are giving two incongruous messages One message is, 9you are bad and can choose to live with someone else The other message is, 9we love you and want to ta"e care of you This is called a 1ouble 3ind A double bind occurs when in the conte/t of an intense emotional relationshi', a 'erson is given two incongruous messages such as 9+ love you and 9stay away from me An im'ortant of the double bind situation is that the 'erson cannot leave This was Ocean’s situation .he couldn’t leave, yet teenagers do run away, and this was the 'ossibility that o'ened to her O: And my dad drove me to school and every day before + get out of the car, + give him a "iss +t’s ust li"e what we do, obviously, right, and tell him + love him, whatever, go to school, and the whole way driving there, +’m thin"ing li"e, 9+ can’t give him a "iss $i"e + can’t +’m too angry +t wouldn’t be real, it would be fa"e, and +’m not go nna fa"e that +’m li"e thin"ing the whole time, li"e, 9#mm #ow can + get out of the car and try to avoid that aw"ward moment if he’s li"e loo"ing at me or something .o +’m li"e sitting really li"e close to the door, right, li"e ready to get out, li"e almost, almost went to go for the handle #e’s li"e, 9(ive me some sugar O) That "illed me -cause, O), he said that, and then he went li"e this and then + ust 'ut my chee" on his chee" And then he, + got out of the car and + loo"ed bac" and he li"e loo"ed at me and he was ust li"e straight4 faced That "illed me + instantly started to cry, ust started to wal" away and li"e8 T: !hat did it mean to you? O: The fact that + had to li"e reect him and not be the way + usually was and "ind of li"e bac" off, li"e not acce't his love + li"e never reect love, li"e towards them li"e +, it’s ust so, li"e +’m always li"e, 9+ love you, and we’re always so, we’re so close, right? T: .o why didn’t you ust give him a "iss? !hy didn’t you ust8 O: -Cause it wouldn’t be real +t would be fa"e T: !hat was the 6uestion you had in your mind #ow can 8? 5irst thing that 'o's into your head #ow can8 O: #e go from being here to here T: #mm, from being here, which was8 O: #ere to li"e total negative towards me li"e, 9you’re mani'ulative and you don’t love us and you’re disres'ectful, and all this, 9duh4duh4duh8 T: !hich really meant to you what? 2ou’re what? !hat, all those words 2ou’re mani'ulative 2ou don’t love us That means you’re a what? Tell me 6uic" That means you’re a what? !hat does that mean to you? O: 3ad
T: !hy did you smile when you said bad? O: That’s why + told that whole, um, #alloween story is because that whole day + was li"e wal"ing around so em'ty, straight4faced, com'lete8 filled with so many emotions and confusion and li"e cra=y 7ust, +’d be wal"ing down the halls, tears running down my face -cause +’m li"e, whoa C: The first reaction to a double bind situation is ty'ically confusion and sadness O: And that night +, well he came in my room and, ah, he wanted to tal" to me + told him that + was gonna write him instead of tal"ing -cause it’d be easier, right? -Cause usually when + have conversations with them and it’s li"e a serious one + ust "ind of ta"e it, + don’t say anything .o while + was writing them a letter + cut my leg C: 5inally Ocean answers Tony’s 6uestions about her legs This is how she got to the 'oint of cutting herself The 'ain of the father’s conflicting messages and his withdrawal of love was so great that she wanted to feel a 'hysical 'ain that would bloc" her emotional suffering .o when you were cutting, you were trying to accom'lish what? Tell us what you were feeling O: *m, well feeling the 'hysical 'ain, it was weird +t li"e slowly too" away emotional 'ain T: + see O: +t was weird + don’t "now, it’s hard to e/'lain T: 0o, + thin" + understand And then it’s, you "now, it’s li"e if you had a toothache and then + ta"e a hammer to your head, you wont feel your teeth anymore O: ;/actly %laughs& T: 1id you have any thought about 9+’ll show them at all, at any level of your consciousness and maybe not consciously but unconsciously? O: 0o T: -Cause you "new they were gonna see the scars eventually O: 0o they wouldn’t T: >ardon me? O: 0o, they wouldn’t
T: !ell they have O: !ell that’s -cause + showed them 3ecause + had to show them T: !hy did you have to show them? O: 3ecause they read in my ournal T: They read your ournal? O: 2ea My baby brother, he’s about fourteen months about 3arb came in my room .he’s li"e, she started off with 7acob was in your room and then she said, 9 #e o'ened it u' and + loo"ed down, and then she said that, 9+ read 'art of it, and + was li"e, 9Oh And instantly inside +’m li"e, 9They can’t "now this, they can’t "now this, they cannot "now this This isn’t cool, they don’t need to "now this, it’s not good, they can’t "now this, duh4duh4duh T: !hy can’t they "now it? O: -Cause it’s not good T: 3ut + thought you li"ed being bad O: That’s a different "ind of bad though T: !hat’s different about that "ind of bad? O: That’s li"e a not good bad %Audience laughs, Ocean laughs& T: 0ow this is a really im'ortant 6uestion, Ocean O: Right T: #onestly, what ma"es something a not good bad versus a good bad This is very im'ortant, for you O: My e/am'le would be li"e the 9O) "ind of bad would be li"e calling out in class -cause that li"e doesn’t really matter, well to me or the other "ids, maybe to the teacher, but whatever That’s an 9O) "ind of bad The 9bad "ind of bad would be li"e cutting yourself T: And why would that be a bad "ind of bad? O: 3ecause it doesn’t benefit you or hel' you in any way +t ust ma"es it worse -cause it ust creates another 'roblem
T: O) That’s fair And so you didn’t want -em to "now that you were ma"ing yourself worse O: + ust didn’t want them to "now 'eriod And then, um, the da y after, in the morning, she’s li"e, 9!e’re gonna go after school and li"e tal" about this + was li"e, 9O) .o whatever, we go have coffee, tal" to her .o me and her are good, she "nows everything, +’m O) with that, and then she’s li"e, 91o you thin" your d ad should "now? %laughs& 0o, + don’t thin" he should "now +’m li"e +, she’s li"e, 9!ell you8 +’m not gonna tell him, but you are, -cause you "now you’re gonna have to, right? .he’s not threatening me, she’s ust saying, -cause she "nows me, + can’t li"e "ee' that from him 3ut + was li"e, 93arb, + can’t + cannot tell him this becau se he has me on this little 'edestal and he thin"s8 #e has this little image of me in his mind o f what + am and who + am and all this, and if + disru't that, it’s gonna li"e devastate him T: +f he’s devastated, what does that mean to you? O: That +’m bad T: !hich bad, the good bad or the bad bad? O: The bad bad T: +s your mom a good bad or the bad bad? O: + don’t really "now -cause that’s, well -cause she’s not bad, she’s ust sic" .he’s a co"ehead .he does crac" cocaine 2ea T: Right O: O) T: O) + understand O: 2ea T: .o, what ha''ened? 1id you show your father on your own? !hat ha''ened? O: 2ea !ell what ha''ened is, um, we tal"ed and whatever and + decided that + was gonna tell him .o he comes home and then 3arb’s li"e, 9Ocean has stuff to tell us .he has stuff to tal" to us about + was ust li"e, 9O) +’ve been smo"ing 'ot and the day, two days after we got in that big fight, the #alloween thing, + s"i''ed school and went and smo"ed 'ot, and a little while later + ended u' s"i''ing school ag ain, + did the same thing, and, um, the day after the #alloween thing, + cut my leg, then + showed him T: 1id you tell him you were having se/?
O: 2ea, that was the last thing +’m li"e, 9and +’m not a virgin And the reason that was such a big thing to tell him is because a cou'le nights before + told them everything, my dad was li"e tal"ing to me about 9hold on to your innocence and 9as long as you can and duh4duh4duh, they’ll res'ect you more, and having "ind of li"e a 9se/ tal" or whatever And in my head +’m li"e, 9#mm +f they only "new Right? .o now +’m lying to them about another thing and then 3arb even as"ed me, she’s li"e, 9Are you se/ually active? .he ended u' as"ing me three times, and every time + was li"e, 90o 3ut + didn’t obviously8 T: .o what ha''ened when you told them that you were? 2ou told them you’d cut yourself, you told them you’d been cutting class, you told them you’re smo"ing 'ot, you told them that, uh, you’ve been having se/ !hat ha''ened? O: *m, well he "ind of ust too" it in for a little while And then, well he as"ed me why it was so hard to tell him, and then + told him li"e, 92ou have me on this little 'edestal and you have this image of who and what + am, and + ust didn’t want to disru't that because + "new that it would affect you in li"e such a huge way 3ecause li"e the reason, it’s not even ust li"e a father4daughter li"e 9normal relationshi', why he has me so high, it’s because my mom and stuff would always use me against him $i"e + ust found this out when + was tal"ing to him that night + was, he’s li"e, 9!ell, your mom didn’t even tell me that she was 'regnant with you until she was five months 'regnant with you + was li"e, 9Oh8 And they had always told me + was two years 'lanned Right !ell then Anyway + was li"e, 9Oh !ell Right? 3ut my mom had always used me against him which obviously crushed him because +’m ust this innocent little baby and this little girl and whatever, right? #e always was fighting for me, for custody, or to 'rotect me, or to "ee' me away from harm, or hurt, or whatever, right? And also he had been a drun" all his life but + was what made him reali=e that he has to sto' #e can’t, -cause he always tells me this memory he has + was li"e two or one or whatever, right, ust sitting on the floor, and + had li"e toys and stuff, and +’m sitting there and +’m ust crying and frea"ing out and ust loo"ing at him, and that is li"e one of the biggest memories that he has, right, of what made him reali=e li"e, 9+ gotta get my shit together $i"e there’s this little baby girl in all of this chaos and mess and there’s on welfare and they’re on drugs and they’re drin"ing and there’s garbage and there’s no food and duh4duh4duh4duh .o + was li"e what he always says li"e his li"e angel which ust ma"es it all the more harder for me obviously to be li"e 9#ey 1ad, +’m doing this and this and this +t’s not even li"e, it’d be hard enough if it was ust a father4daughter normal relationshi', but add all that onto it T: .o you’re su''osed to be his angel and you’re not O: 2ea C: +t would be hard for any child to be 'ut on a 'edestal where she has to always be an angel and where the father’s well4being de'ends so much on her ability to be an angel T: .o what’s ha''ened?
O: And so he’s li"e, 9.o if you s"i' school or smo"e 'ot, you’re not gonna be able to go to school !e’re gonna ta"e you out of school, and then you’re not gonna be able to see 1avid And + already at that 'oint wasn’t allowed to see .am anymore #e’s li"e, 9.he’s trouble, she always has been ;ver since she was around you, all you guys have been is 'roblems for each other, and duh4duh4duh4duh .o now he’s ta"en away my best friend already, and then he’s threatening to ta"e away those two, but sure enough within the ne/t two wee"s + ended u' s"i''ing school and smo"ing 'ot And then he didn’t let me g o to school the ne/t day This was on Thursday And then the ne/t day would be 5riday, and then he didn’t let me go to school that day And so obviously +’m thin"ing well, they, he’s already threatened, and he’s serious !hen he says something, he li"e stic"s with it .o he’s said you’re not gonna go to school and you’re not gonna see your, 1avid, whatever, right? .o there’s no 'oint for me not to honestly stay in my mind because it’s not8 Me and them aren’t good, + can’t see my best friend, + can’t see the 'erson that + com'letely, totally adore and love, and + can’t go to school !hy would + stay? C: Caught in a double bind, Ocean had first cut herself in an attem't to remove herself from the situation at an emotional level 0ow she decides to actually remove herself 'hysically and leave Remember that when caught in a double bind situation in an intense relationshi', the only solution is to leave the field Restricted, having fallen as an angel and feeling unloved, Ocean decided to run away from home O: Anyway, so the ne/t day 3arb was going to school to 'ic" u' my homewor" for that wee"end -cause + had missed that day .o + was li"e, 9O), this’ll wor" .he goes, soon as she leaves + go .o that’s what + did + went and + show u' there .a m’s li"e, 9Oh, you’re here< Right? +’m li"e, 9Run away with me< .he’s li"e, 9!hat? +’m li"e, 9Run away with me .he’s li"e, 9!hat are you tal"ing about? And + had my bag and + was all ready to go and everything and then we decided that we’re gonna run away together and we were gonna go, my friend gave me twenty buc"s, + already had ten so now we had thirty, and some, one of my friends had mentioned, 9you can go stay with .ammy, she lives in ancouver + was li"e, 9O), we’re gonna go to ancouver, whatever, but + stayed in, + live in Abbotsford, we stayed in Abbotsford, and we were ust li"e running around in Abbotsford and hanging out with 1avid and my other friends and 'eo'le that we met along the way that go to li"e other schools and stuff 3ut +’m wal"ing and + loo" u' and li"e, say li"e twice the length of this room, + see this truc" And + loo" and my 1ad’s bum'er’s li"e croo"ed, and + loo"ed and +’m li"e, 9Oh my (od, Oh my (od, that’s my dad’s truc", and + instantly turn around and start wal"ing the other way as fast as + can And then the two guys that + was with, they’re li"e, 9#ey< and they yell it out Anybody that hears them is obviously gonna loo" +’m li"e, 9Oh< !hy did you have to say anything< and .am’s li"e, 9+t’s her dad< +’m li"e, 9.am, ust "ee' wal"ing Then he whi's over with his truc", and he has a bat, and +’m, she’s li"e, 9!hat do we do .am? !hat do we do? + ust li"e "ee' wal"ing, + don’t "now what to do, obviously, -cause if + run he’s gonna catch me and + don’t "now, whatever
Anyway, + had a hood on and he grabs me by the nec" and whi's me around, he’s got the bat in his hand and then he loo"s at me -cause + had the hood on, he ust loo"s at my face, and then he "ee's holding on to me, and he’s li"e, 9!hat’s wrong with you? 2ou’re stu'id, duh4duh4duh4duh, and then he li"e loo"s at .am -cause she had a hood on too, he’s li"e, to see who it was, and then those two g uys #e’s li"e, 9!hich one of you is 1avid? .orry, +’m imitating my dad +’m li"e, 90either one of them is 1avid, neither one of them Of course +’m li"e crying and li"e yelling and stuff because +’m trying to get them to hear me or whatever, but he still has a hold of me and he’s li"e whi''ing me around and stuff and he throws me in the truc", tells .am to get in the truc" #e ta"es her home and then we go home and +’m sitting on my bed and when he gets in li"e a state of total li"e rage, he’s li"e, 9+ 'romised myself today that + was gonna hurt two 'eo'le: you and 1avid C: iolence is never a solution to a 'arent4child conflict Ocean was faced with a double bind and the father was facing the enormous disa''ointment that his angel was not an angel any longer The universal difficulties that 'arents have when their children are ma"ing the transition to adolescence and adulthood, 'articularly when they behave badly or dangerously, was tenfold for this father who had so ideali=ed Ocean O: #e ended u' getting right in my face, and he ended u'8 + was ust waiting + wanted him to hit me because then +’d have an e/cuse to leave The only reason + didn’t egg him on to hit me is because + didn’t want him to hurt 1avid because + "new that if he got a hold of him, he’d li"e, +’m not e/aggerating when + say this, he’d literally "ill him because he ust gets in a state of com'lete, un4control .o + ust sat there and he ended u' getting right in my face and he ended u' bringing in 'ictures of me #e’s li"e, 9!hat does this mean? !hat does this mean? !hat is this? !hat is this? And he’s throwing all these 'ictures and things +’ve made for him when + was little and he’s li"e, 9!hat is this? and throwing it li"e it means nothing or whatever $i"e, that’s what he’s saying #e’s li"e, 92ou don’t love me, or res'ect, or blah4blah4blah, and getting all this li"e +’m com'letely against him in whatever + can understand that but, anyway 3ut he ended u' getting right u' in my face, he’s li"e, 92ou don’t care about 7acob or anybody, duh4duh4 duh4duh4duh And he ended u' ust grabbing my face and whatever, anyway T: 1id you tell him you’re gonna run away? 1id you leave? !hat did you do? O: 0o, we ust ended u' getting in an argument and + ust stayed in my room and he, um, you "now those window loc" things? They li"e go on to' and then you screw that little thing in #e 'ut one of those on my window and li"e used a thing so that + li"e couldn’t get out #e’s li"e, 90ow you’re on @ hour watch, duh4duh4duh, and whatever, saying all this stuff .o + ust sat in my room for the rest of the night and then the ne/t day, .aturday, sat in my room all day -cause + don’t want to be aroun d him obviously -cause it’s ust weird, and it’s really good though because 3arb, she’s li"e, 9+ forgive you for running away C: +t was good that the ste'4mother had forgiven Ocean
O: $i"e it’s O) .o at least +’m good with somebody T: And where are you now? O: +’m in a com'letely different 'lace because, bec ause before + came here, li"e + said, + was li"e8 + don’t "now if + can, + can’t really describe it -cause if you understand, you understand, if you don’t + can’t e/'lain it to you + was ust totally, totally ust lost 7ust com'letely, ust lost That’s the only way + can say it 7ust don’t "now where +’m at or where +’m su''osed to be or8 3ecause + used to be li"e bad and stuff, +’m li"e, maybe that’s ust who + am Maybe +’m ust su''osed to be, li"e, a bad "id And because of li"e my family history, li"e, they’re all the same so +’m li"e maybe that’s ust who + am su''osed to be And + was thin"ing about that, +’m li"e, so +’m li"e, am + su''osed to be li"e the good student? Am + su''osed to be the stoner "id? $i"e am + su''osed to be the drug addict? Am + su''osed to be li"e the goo d girl that + was? Am + su''osed to be the leader? Am + su''osed to be all these things? And +’m li"e, who are you su''osed to be? $i"e which one of these things is you? -Cause +’d lost it +’m li"e, + don’t "now who + am or where +’m su''osed to go or be or live or how to act, or anything, right? 3ut ust the first day being here + actually got here, which would be your guys’ second day, but ust within li"e the first cou'le hours +’m li"e, wow + ust com'letely8 +’m li"e8 $i"e + told 3onnie, +’m li"e + went over and + gave her a "iss, she ust gave me a hug and li"e, 9#ow you doing? 3lah4blah4blah +’m li"e, 9+’m found + found myself %Audience cheers& C: 3onnie is .age, Tony’s wife and Ocean’s aunt On hearing what Ocean was going through, she had her come to >alm .'rings to the event where Tony was teaching This was a great intervention !hen 'arents and child are caught in an intense conflict, the best thing to do is to see" the hel' of members of the e/tended family who can 'rovide unconditional love, 'rotection, a different view'oint, and em'owering alternatives .age 'rovided all this 5or years, Ocean had been a good girl, doing well in school and being a source of oy and ha''iness for her 'arents at home Then suddenly she fell into bad ways: drin"ing, smo"ing 'ot, having se/, cutting herself, and running away from home !hat caused that sudden change? 0ow we "now why !hile the 'arents thought they were drawing limits for Ocean, they were accidentally 'utting her in a double bind that confused her and 'ut her into des'air On the one hand, the message to Ocean was, 9we love you and want to ta"e care of you, but when things got difficult, the message became, 9you’re mani'ulative, maybe you should live somewhere else As a result, Ocean didn’t feel loved or a''reciated, and on the other hand she didn’t truly have an o'tion to leave .he was in a double bind There was little she could do to obey these mi/ed messages To confuse things further, her father both ideali=ed her as his 'erfect little angel, but when she misbehaved, he became violent and threatened to hurt her and the 'eo'le she loved This made ocean fear and mistrust her father, the man she loved most in the world 3y tal"ing to Tony and .age and clarifying her own intentions, as she went bac" home, Ocean was able to transform her behavior, sto' her cutting and substance use, and live ha''ily within her family, and you’ll see that Tony and + will visit Ocean a few wee"s
afterward where we will ma"e sure that the family unit o'erates well with Ocean’s new changes
