When A Man Loves a Woman; Emotional and Sexual Literacy for the Modern Man
by
Claude M. Steiner Phd
2901 Piedmont Avenue Bereley! CA 9"#0$
e%mail& 'steiner(i)'.a*'.or) +
, Co*yri)ht 200-
Introduction Introduction to the second edition (2008) Plus /'a 'han)e *lus la meme 'hose. as the ren'h say. rote the 3irst version o3 this boo! 3i3teen years a)o! as e in the 4S here 5ust re'overin) 3rom the sho' o3 the 'ultural revolutions o3 the si6ties. We had itnessed a s'ore o3 liberation movements! bla' *oer! )ay *oer! )ray *oer! the 3ree s*ee'h movement! the se6ual 3reedom lea)ue! radi'al *sy'hiatry! all 3ueled by the anti 7ietnam ar movement. ntimately 'onne'ted ith all o3 these rebellions a)ainst the status%8uo as this 'entury/s ave o3 3eminism. he San ran'is'o%Bereley area! here have lived sin'e my youn) adulthood! as the birth*la'e o3 many o3 these movements and 3eminism too a *oer3ul hold here%%as it did in the rest o3 the 'ountry%% 'reatin) )reat so'ial and 'ultural 'han)es. hese movements su''eeded in brin)in) about im*ortant re3orms! and 3or a 3e years there as a 3eelin) o3 trium*h 3or bla's! )ays! omen! mental *atients and mental health orers ho anted 'han)e. But in the ei)hties! under the leadershi* o3 *resident :onald :ea)an! e be)an to see the *redi'table ba'lash. oday! a33irmative a'tion has been rolled ba' and 3eminism has be'ome a sti)matied ord amon) many men and omen. But 3ortunately 3or all humanity! the em*oerment o3 omen that started in this modern ave o3 3eminism 'ontinues and 'annot in 3a't be sto**ed or rolled ba'. or all but the most 'onservative! 3eminism and the se6ual revolution have 3orever 'han)ed the nature o3 male%3emale relationshi*s. his trans3ormation has be'ome so thorou)h and 'ommon*la'e that youn) *eo*le today are lar)ely unaare o3 the *ro3ound 'han)es they are bene3i'iaries o3. When a Man Loves a Woman as ritten to sho ho 3eminism 'ould either
mae heterose6ual relationshi*s more 'ontentious and 'on3usin)! or more e6'itin) and reardin)! de*endin) on ho men rea'ted to it. ar)ued that 3or men ho understand ho to res*ond to 3eminism in a 3ruit3ul ay! it ould revitalie their intimate relationshi*s. oday! am ree6aminin) the issues hi'h e6*lored in that boo and reritin) it to re3le't the more 'om*le6 realities o3 the ne 'entury. eminism has 'han)ed the relations beteen men and omen in a *ro3ound and *ermanent ay and yet! the 3undamental 8uestion is the same&
Introduction Introduction to the second edition (2008) Plus /'a 'han)e *lus la meme 'hose. as the ren'h say. rote the 3irst version o3 this boo! 3i3teen years a)o! as e in the 4S here 5ust re'overin) 3rom the sho' o3 the 'ultural revolutions o3 the si6ties. We had itnessed a s'ore o3 liberation movements! bla' *oer! )ay *oer! )ray *oer! the 3ree s*ee'h movement! the se6ual 3reedom lea)ue! radi'al *sy'hiatry! all 3ueled by the anti 7ietnam ar movement. ntimately 'onne'ted ith all o3 these rebellions a)ainst the status%8uo as this 'entury/s ave o3 3eminism. he San ran'is'o%Bereley area! here have lived sin'e my youn) adulthood! as the birth*la'e o3 many o3 these movements and 3eminism too a *oer3ul hold here%%as it did in the rest o3 the 'ountry%% 'reatin) )reat so'ial and 'ultural 'han)es. hese movements su''eeded in brin)in) about im*ortant re3orms! and 3or a 3e years there as a 3eelin) o3 trium*h 3or bla's! )ays! omen! mental *atients and mental health orers ho anted 'han)e. But in the ei)hties! under the leadershi* o3 *resident :onald :ea)an! e be)an to see the *redi'table ba'lash. oday! a33irmative a'tion has been rolled ba' and 3eminism has be'ome a sti)matied ord amon) many men and omen. But 3ortunately 3or all humanity! the em*oerment o3 omen that started in this modern ave o3 3eminism 'ontinues and 'annot in 3a't be sto**ed or rolled ba'. or all but the most 'onservative! 3eminism and the se6ual revolution have 3orever 'han)ed the nature o3 male%3emale relationshi*s. his trans3ormation has be'ome so thorou)h and 'ommon*la'e that youn) *eo*le today are lar)ely unaare o3 the *ro3ound 'han)es they are bene3i'iaries o3. When a Man Loves a Woman as ritten to sho ho 3eminism 'ould either
mae heterose6ual relationshi*s more 'ontentious and 'on3usin)! or more e6'itin) and reardin)! de*endin) on ho men rea'ted to it. ar)ued that 3or men ho understand ho to res*ond to 3eminism in a 3ruit3ul ay! it ould revitalie their intimate relationshi*s. oday! am ree6aminin) the issues hi'h e6*lored in that boo and reritin) it to re3le't the more 'om*le6 realities o3 the ne 'entury. eminism has 'han)ed the relations beteen men and omen in a *ro3ound and *ermanent ay and yet! the 3undamental 8uestion is the same&
Introduction Introduction to first edition (1986) n the *ast thirty years se6ual mores have )one throu)h a ma5or revolution! and even some 'ounter%revolutions. >ivor'e has be'ome 'ommon*la'e. or the 3irst time! ordinary *eo*le do not 3eel obli)ated to remain tra**ed in un3ul3illin)! destru'tive relationshi*s. Peo*le have 8uestioned the value o3 marria)e and mono)amy! and have even re'onsidered the value o3 lon) term 'ommitments and 3amily. Some say that these 'han)es have almost destroyed the 3amily and threaten the very 3iber o3 so'iety. ?ven those ho 3ou)ht 3or! and el'omed these 'han)es no 3ind themselves 'on3used and unha**y in this ne so'ial lands'a*e! not sure ho to *ro'eed no that the old rule e 3ou)ht a)ainst have been lar)ely abolished. t seems that 3indin) ha**iness is more and more a matter o3 'han'e. hou)h 3indin) ha**iness has never been easy! the resear'h about divor'e shos that today the *ursuit o3 ha**iness in love is more beilderin) than ever. he old! rule boo has been mostly 3or)otten! and men and omen have to invent ne ays o3 relatin) and! statisti' indi'ate! ith little su''ess. o 'om*li'ate matters there is a disturbin) trend 3or both men and omen to 'om*romise in their e6*e'tations! due to 3ears about disease and *re)nan'y. Some ould rather settle don in la'%luster relationshi*s than have to deal ith the di33i'ulties o3 datin) in the nineties. @reater 3reedom and e8uality 3or omen as su**osed to mae everythin) better; instead divor'e rates 'ontinue to 'limb! sin)le *erson households *roli3erate and *eo*le 3eel disoriented and un3ul3illed. Women have dis'overed that hen they 3ollo their 3eminist *rin'i*les and leave their loveless marria)es! they are o3ten *unished by a severe de'line in their standard o3 livin). Many omen and their 'hildren ere *ushed belo the *overty line hen they divor'ed! hile their e6%husbands *ros*ered. Still! omen have 'ome an enormous distan'e in the 3a'e o3 all this adversity. Most omen no no ho to su**ort themselves! both 3inan'ially and emotionally! and! in )eneral! omen ill never be as de*endent on men as they on'e ere. Women today do ant and e6*e't to be treated as e8uals at home and at or. hey may ant to have 'hildren! but 3e ould today be illin) to be e6'lusively homemaers. Women today are more sel3 su33i'ient and less a3raid o3 bein) alone and there3ore mu'h less illin) to settle 3or a relationshi* that isn/t satis3yin) and bene3i'ial. or years no! omen have been talin) and ritin) o*enly about their lies and dislies vis-à-vis men and des*ite the anti%3eminist ba'lash o3 the -0/s have
'ontinued to do so. hey are 'ontinuin) to mae le)itimate! ell%thou)ht%out demands in the home! at or! and in bed. hey ant 5obs ith e8ual *ay! they ant stature and res*e't and they ant men to su**ort their inde*enden'e and *oer. hese omen aren/t interested in men ho are )oin) to 3i)ht them every ste* o3 the ay in order to 'lin) to outmoded styles o3 male domination.
What is not entirely 'lear! hoever! is ho the ne so'ial 'ontra't beteen men and omen is to read. Plenty o3 *roblems still remain beteen men and omen. Men may have )iven u* their old roles! but they are not sure o3 hat their ne roles are su**osed to be. All this liberation and e8uality have brou)ht ne e6*e'tations and burdens 3or us. n the eternal ar o3 the se6es! many men 3eel that they have lost a ma5or battle; they 3eel martyred and *ut u*on by 'han)es that seem out o3 'ontrol. When a man loves a oman! today! he may have no idea ho to *ro'eed in a sel3%res*e'tin) and di)ni3ied manner. his boo is meant 3or men ho ant to be 'om3ortable 3riends and lovers ith the omen in their lives; 3or men ho ant to have lon)%lastin)! se'ure! yet se6ually *lenti3ul and e6'itin) relationshi*s; and! more im*ortantly! 3or men ho ant to be lovin)! se6y! and! dare say it! seet. his boo ill tell you hat today/s omen ant 3rom their 3riends! lovers! and mates! and ho a man 'an be'ome a**re'iated and sou)ht a3ter by today/s oman.
ha!ter 1" #hat do $omen li%e a&out men' >urin) the last tenty years! hat is admirable and liable about men has been obs'ured by the intense 'riti'ism stemmin) 3rom the ne *er'e*tions and e6*e'tations o3 omen. here3ore! in order to start on a *ositive 3ootin) de'ided to 3ind out hat omen lie about us. With the hel* o3 several asso'iates! ased hundreds o3 omen the 8uestion What do you lie about men= he ansers o3ten related to ho he 3elt about himsel3& here is a 'ertain ay he uses himsel3! ho he is o*en! at ease! 'om3ortable! hi'h attra'ts me about a man! even i3 he is not )ood%looin). t/s an ener)y! a *ositive attitude. Dot 'on'eited or ma'ho but 'om3ortable ith himsel3! said one oman in her thirties! a le)al se'retary 3or a lar)e 3irm. no some men thin it/s 'orre't to be very sel3%'riti'al and )uilty about bein) a man! but to me its a turno33! said Patty! 29! a omen/s health so'ial orer.
a**re'iate men ho are illin) to be 8uestioned about their se6ism. But don/t lie men ho 'arry around a 'loud o3 male )uilt. t/s a total et blanet to my se6ual 3eelin)s! as >ahlia/s o*inion. >ahlia is in her 3orties! re'ently divor'ed. n s*ite o3 the hei)htened aareness omen have develo*ed about men/s short'omin)s! omen! ith a 3e e6'e*tions! still lie men and haven/t )iven u* on them. lie their bodies! another oman says. lie their sturdiness! their solidity! ho they are lean and hard. lie men ho a**re'iate their on bodies. hat/s hy 3ind )ay men attra'tive. hey are into the beauty o3 men/s bodies and love their on. @ay men move so )ra'e3ully sometimes. he )ra'e3ul male body is beauti3ul.E lie men/s *enises. hey are su'h a 3antasti' 'ombination o3 stren)th and vulnerability. lie to 'radle a man/s testi'les and *enis in my hands hen it/s so3t. he *enis is su'h a 3as'inatin) )ad)et! the ay it )ets hard in your hand! said Mary. really lie the ay men smell. With some men it as the most attra'tive! addi'tive thin). he ay he starts to smell hen e are main) love. did not ant him to leave and tae his smell ith him! said Pe))y! FG! a baer at a nei)hborhood baery. love men/s 3orearms! u**er arms! and shoulders. 3ind the mus'les and veins! and their e33e'tive! *oer3ul hands unbelievably se6y. 'an loo at a man/s 3orearms and their sha*e turns me on. have to loo aay! said >enise! a su''ess3ul 3ree%lan'e 5ournalist. Many omen res*onded similarly. hey lied men/s mus'le 3ormation! their u**er body stren)th! the density and 3irmness o3 male 3lesh! men/s body hair! hisers and baldness! their )enitals! the timbre o3 their voi'es! and the ay they smell. ther omen lied men/s minds! the ay they thin. or instan'e! Hanet! a *sy'hiatri' nurse! 2F! said& lie the ay men understand ma'hines and the ay they 'an 3i6 thin)s. lie the ay they a**roa'h a *roblem in a me'hani'al and systemati' ay! usin) lo)i' and their minds as tools. Another oman said! IMen are )ood at main) you es'a*e. JC/mon! )et )et your hat on! let/s )oK Women sit and ste. lie men/s deta'hment sills! hen they 'an also be 'lose.
ina! the mother o3 to small 'hildren! said! lie the thin)s in men that ! be'ause /m a oman! have been *revented 3rom havin). lie their 'a*a'ity to stay 'ool; lie the ay they 'an be hi)h%strun)! a'tive! intense! humorous! a))ressive. lie those thin)s be'ause they are thin)s that are missin) in me. no 'ould do all those thin)s too! but my u*brin)in) led me aay 3rom them. So lie to )et them 3rom men. What do you lie about men= ased Sandy! a 'ar*enter in her early thirties. lie to or ith men! they )et the 5ob done! she said! ith no hesitation. hat sounds lie a se6ist attitude. What do you mean= hey are more )oal oriented. Women tend to have 3eelin)s at ina**ro*riate times. lie to be able to *lan ith a man ho ors 3or me to do somethin) by a 'ertain time and )et it done. With a oman am liable to have to )et into a dis'ussion about 3eelin)s. With omen o3ten times 'ome u* a)ainst the insidious *sy'holo)y o3 ho they ere brou)ht u*! ho their 3ather treated them. 3ind it is very easy to *ush omen/s buttons. mi)ht as a oman to *ass the hammer and that mi)ht be enou)h to tri))er her to 3eel that she on/t be able to deal ith it. Men 'an lae orders and do thin)s e33i'iently. Men are so im*ortant! hi)h s'hool biolo)y tea'her Pilar! a Me6i'an oman o3 F2! assured me.
his desire to be ith *eo*le ho have hat e la' is not *arti'ular to omen. t/s one lar)e reason 3or men/s need 3or omen! ho have the armth and emotionality men o3ten la' and lon) 3or. he 3a't that this mutual attra'tion may be based on a re'i*ro'al short'omin) doesn/t mae it any less real or somethin) to be ashamed o3. or as lon) as omen and men are di33erent 3rom ea'h other! they/ll loo to ea'h other to 3ul3ill hat they la'. Men 'an be *roud o3 the thin)s they are )ood at be'ause they are men. ur survey also revealed that omen o3ten lied in men the very thin)s they 'om*lained about at other times. had to as mysel3! >o omen! hen everythin) is said and done! really ant men ho are unemotional! a))ressive! and me'hani'ally in'lined= as 3or'ed to a)ain 'onsider the *o*ular myth that omen lie to be dominated and *rote'ted by silent stron) tall men. A**arently! this 'on'e*tion! hi'h the omen/s movement has 3ou)ht so hard! is not easily dis*osed o3. or e6am*le! ran'es! F$! a hi)hly *aid editor livin) ith a man and his and her 'hildren! said! We omen don/t really no hat e ant. lie men to have 3eelin)s! but don/t ant them to be an)ry. ant them to treat me as an e8ual! but ant them to be stron) so 'an lean on them. resent their sills! but still let them )et their hands dirty hile they 3i6 my 'ar. he ambi)uity ran'es e6*resses is not unusual; hat do omen ant= ?ventually! re'o)nied the anser& Many o3 the 8ualities that are a**re'iated in men are also the thin)s they are most dislied 3or%%hen they are taen to an e6treme. As Naren! a oman in her 3orties ho has non many men and )iven the matter mu'h thou)ht! said! no hat ant. Stren)th ithout violen'e! 3eelin)s ithout slo**iness! sill ithout bein) *atronied! lo)i' ithout mind% ra*e. ant men to do hat they do ell in moderation and ithout e6*e'tin) to be *ut on a *edestal 3or it. Women 'learly don/t a**re'iate dominatin)! 'old! e)otisti'al men la'in) in emotion. hey also )et no i' out o3 sel3%de*re'atin)! )uilty! ithdran men. n other ords! hat omen ant is no more ma'ho! no more im*. hey lie bein) loved by them. hey lie bein) able to love them 3ully and ithout reservations. Women lie men/s stren)th! virility! and boldness! and ould lie them to develo* )entility! deli'a'y! and tenderness. And those are thin)s that any man either has or 'an develo*! *rovided he is truly interested in lovin) omen.
ha!ter 2" #hat do #omen isli%e &out Men'
?6treme re*ulsivo! eh=E 8ui*s Son5a. :eally! these )uys thin they are @od/s )i3t to omen.
:elu'tantly ran taes the bait. ou didn/t have to dan'e ith him! you no.
C/mon! you no you lie it! Sam interru*ts.
WhatK
h! oh! here 'omes the oman/s li*K
Listen! Sam! /m no 3eminist! but /m si' o3 horny )uys ho 'an/t tae no 3or an anser.
3 you 'an/t stand the heat! stay out o3 bars! is hat say.
h yeah= What )ives you the ri)ht to tell me to stay out o3 bars= De6t thin) you are )oin) to say is that should stay out o3 the street and that i3 )et ra*ed! as asin) 3or itK
Well! some streets! some ni)hts! you ould be asin) 3or it.
eah! and su**ose you are )oin) to tell me that /d en5oy it.
didn/t say that! 5ust that you/ve )ot to e6*e't 'ertain thin)s in 'ertain *la'esK
>on/t )ive me that! you really thin lie bein) harassed by men Oand so on.
n these 3amiliar debates both the omen and the men have a le)itimate *osition& She resents the assum*tion that men/s insistent *ursuit is *leasin) hen! in 3a't! she 3elt intruded u*on and ished to be le3t alone.
n this 'ha*ter ould lie to e6*lore the oman/s vie*oint ith the ho*e o3 bein) hel*3ul to my male readers. t is reasonable to assume that most men are doin) their best to be )ood men. here3ore! hen e are lum*ed to)ether as a )rou* and a''used o3 a ty*i'al male short'omin) O All you ant is se6%%a ty*i'al male or Hust lie a man! emotionally retarded! e need to realie that hether 3air or not! these a''usations are best not taen as *ersonal atta's.
3! in 3a't! e are unittin)ly a'tin) a''ordin) to some *rimitive male tradition! then our behavior is the result o3 role trainin) 3or hi'h e are not holly to blame. As lon) as e don/t understand hat e are doin) ron)! e 'annot! in all 3airness! be held res*onsible 3or it. We don/t have to rea't ith )uilt and need not be de3ensive. nstead! e need to understand the 'riti'ism and then e 'an *ro'eed to do somethin) about it i3 e ish.
o hel* understand our male role behavior! it is use3ul to remember the 3olloin)& When human bein)s are born! they are divided into to )rou*s. ne )rou* is told& When you )ro u*! you ill be a )irl! and you should be a su**ortive and nurturin) *erson. n order to be truly )ood at bein) nurturin) it ill be use3ul 3or you to be intuitive and 'a*able o3 readin) *eo*le/s minds! es*e'ially men/s! be'ause men! bless them! aren/t )ood at asin) 3or hat they need. Sin'e your
ma5or tas ill be to nurture! you on/t need to be very rational. ou don/t need rationality in order to be su**ortive; in 3a't! rationality inter3eres and 'ould even be detrimental to nurturin). t is best to try not to under%stand 'ertain thin)s.E
he other )rou* is told& When you )ro u*! you ill be a man. A )ood man must thin 'learly and lo)i'ally; his main tas is to solve *roblems! es*e'ially *roblems related to *oer and ho to a''umulate it. Bein) tuned in and sensitive is not essential to a man be'ause it ill di33i'ult to thin lo)i'ally i3 you let *eo*le/s 3eelin)s inter3ere. Su''ess%%bein) a 'om*etitive orer%%ill be di33i'ult i3 you be'ome too aare o3 others/ emotions! so it is im*ortant that you *ut rationality above 3eelin)s. Leave emotionality and sensitivity to omen; they are better at it than you.
hese instru'tions a33e't all 'hildren%%less so no than in years *ast! but they are still a *ervasive in3luen'e on our youn). ?ven i3 the household in hi'h e ere raised did not *arti'ularly subs'ribe to this *oint o3 vie! there still are s'hools! television! the movies! the nes%*a*ers! and other adults and 'hildren to rein3or'e these *oints o3 vie.
3 'ourse! every *erson has had di33erent role trainin) and in3luen'es o*eratin) in his li3e. he *oint is that no man is 3ree o3 them.
The Sex Machine; Men Are Dogs. ne o3 omen/s ma5or 'om*laints about
men 'on'erns their intense interest in se6. ?a'h o3 the 3olloin) 'omments 'omes 3rom a di33erent distrau)ht oman.
a33e'tionate ba' ithout it be'omin) a se6ual thin). t seems that as lon) as he is turned on to me! he has ener)y 3or me. he moment that he 'omes! he )oes aay; he either 3alls aslee*! starts readin)! or rolls over. 3eel utterly erased as i3 didn/t e6ist.
hese des'ri*tions may be e6treme! but most men are aare o3 the ind o3 se6ual 3o'us e o3ten o*erate under. or a number o3 reasons! some *robably inborn! e seem to be 'om*elled to *ursue omen 3or the *ur*ose o3 havin) inter'ourse ith them. We may mas this obsession and try to be 'ivilied! or e may be blatant about it. We may be su''ess3ul at it! or e may be utter 3ailures; nevertheless! e seem to have that tenden'y to thin o3 omen as se6ual o**ortunities and o3ten little else.
And they no it.
Some say that it is a s*e'i3i'ally male ur)e havin) to do ith inborn a))ression and the biolo)i'al drive to *ro'reate. Another theory is that sin'e men are trained to su**ress 3eelin)s! the only 3eelin)s that remain are the *oer3ul )enital sensations that the se6ual a't *rovides. When a man meets a oman ho doesn/t en5oy his advan'es! the 'ombination o3 his tenden'y to be unaare o3 *eo*le/s 3eelin)s and his drive to have inter'ourse results in a disre)ard 3or the annoyan'e he 'auses her.
Another more 'haritable e6*lanation 3or men/s 'onstant se6ual sear'h is that men have an insatiable 'uriosity to e6*erien'e omen/s intimate! emotional! se6ual res*onse. he reason )iven 3or this is that men are 'ut o33! alienated 3rom their on emotions by their u*brin)in). Women/s 3eelin)s! there3ore! be'ome enormously attra'tive and endlessly 3as'inatin). Bein) in the *resen'e o3 omen/s lovin) ener)y and se6ual *assion is overhelmin)ly *leasurable. o be able to )enerate su'h 3eelin)s in omen is onder3ul! and to be able to 3eel them intimately is sublime. But even so he ill tend to relate to her as an ob5e't; a vessel o3 deli)ht3ul 3emale ener)y! rather than as a *arti'ular oman! ith lies! dislies! 'om*le6ities and needs beyond her 3emale 'harms.
his is a subtler 3orm o3 ob5e'ti3i'ation! he relates to her as more than a body! a**re'iates her ener)y and armth! but still 3ails to relate to her as a real *erson. 3ten men ho *ursue omen in this ay are lie Dar'issus! they 3eel desirable hen they see themselves re3le'ted in her lovin) eyes! and they be'ome drun ith this 3latterin) vie o3 themselves. Women ho are on the re'eivin) end o3 this ty*e o3 attention or love eventually sense that they are bein) treated as an ar'hety*e! rather than an individual! and 'ome to 3eel used. n addition omen 'an be tem*ted into 3ul3illin) this male 3antasy and ill 3ae or)asms and e6a))erate *leasure hen there may in 3a't! be very little.
Many omen are so 'on'erned ith their loos and their attra'tiveness that they turn themselves into ob5e'ts. By *uttin) em*hasis on 'lothes! maeu*! and 'harmin) and attra'tive behavior they be'ome 'om*li'it in the *ro'ess. n the end no real *erson 'an be dis'erned and man tryin) to relate to this ind o3 a oman ill be relatin) to a 3ront; its not sur*risin) that he has trouble thinin) o3 her as a *erson.
t is hard 3or men to ima)ine hat the e6*erien'e o3 se6ual ob5e'ti3i'ation is lie 3or a oman. We assume that i3 e ere on the re'eivin) end o3 that ind o3 attention e ould be *leased and 3lattered. t/s di33i'ult 3or us to understand hy some omen 3ind it so hurt3ul and insultin)! es*e'ially sin'e not all omen 3eel that ay and those ho 3eel that ay! don/t alays.
A 'om*arable e6*erien'e 3or men is the ay e are ob5e'ti3ied as breadinners and meal ti'ets. As e evaluate omen by the sie o3 their breasts! e are liely to be evaluated by the sie o3 our allets. We too are 3lattered hen e are admired 3or our earnin) 'a*a'ities! but in the end it is a demeanin) a**raisal 3oisted on us by the same se6 roles that turn us into se6 ma'hines.
At the same time the ob5e'ti3i'ation o3 men/s bodies by omen is *ro)ressin) ra*idly alon) ith omens illin)ness to be a))ressive and *redatory lie men. he movies and other media are shoin) omen lustin) a3ter mens Isi6 *a'sE and *oer3ul lats!E s8uare 5as and )ood hair. Any man ho is that attra'tive is *rone to e6*erien'e ob5e'ti3i'ation by omen Oand other men and resented 5ust as mu'h as omen do. Men ho 3ail the test o3 attra'tiveness are in'reasin)ly 3eelin) the stin) o3 omens disinterest and even derision; a 3amiliar e6*erien'e 3or omen but a ne e6*erien'e 3or many men
Men are bein) handed a dose o3 their on medi'ine. his is! believe! all to the )ood. t/s *robably the sin)le most e33e'tive ay o3 instillin) some understandin) in us o3 ho it 3eels to be treated lie a hun o3 meat. Perha*s as omen turn a 5aundi'ed eye on our im*er3e't bodies! e ill develo* more toleran'e and understandin) 3or the 3emale 'om*laint about us.
All Work and No Play; Men Are Workaholics. Another ma5or 'om*laint about
men is that they 'are about their or above all else. he 3olloin) 'omments 'ome 3rom a number o3 di33erent omen.
When tal about ho 3eel! his eyes )lae over.
Mr. Woraholi' is the e6tension! to )rotes8ue e6tremes! o3 'hildhood instru'tions to be a res*onsible 'aretaer! boosted by the en'oura)ement men re'eive hen they 3ul3ill that role. imes are 'han)in) but men are still tau)ht that their tass in li3e are to *rovide 3or a i3e and 3amily and to be as se'ure! ri'h! and *oer3ul as *ossible. Men ho have taen these lessons to heart! and based their identity around their role as bread%inner! are astonished hen omen 8uestion these *riorities. :ela6in)! havin) 3un! lettin) )o%%it/s 5ust not that easy. Some dru)! usually al'ohol! may hel* to brin) the oraholi' don enou)h to mae rela6ation *ossible.
4n3ortunately! the al'ohol ears o33! more is needed! and eventually he 3alls aslee* or )ets drun.
thou)h 'o33ee and 'i)arettes still are the most traditional ormates. or these men! 5oy is hard to 'ome by. un and rela6ation are not this man/s 'ommon e6*erien'e! thou)h he lon)s 3or and *ursues them in his se6ual li3e and dru) use. Women are usually ambivalent about men/s intense 3o'us on their or. At 3irst it may seem desirable. But hen the or taes the love and 5oy out o3 the relationshi*! hurt! an)er! and resentment re*la'e the initial a''e*tan'e.
Hanet! a "0%year%old housei3e! said this about her husband/s obsession ith or& Ma6 is a sto'broer! and he brin)s his or home. used to brin) him tea and sit and read hile he ored in the evenin)s. never thou)ht to 'om*lain. But as the years *assed and there seemed to be no end to his or! be)an to hate it. su**ose that e6*e'ted it to be less as he did better! but it a'tually )ot orse. 3elt lie didn/t have a husband and be)an to 8uestion the hole thin). As 3ar as am 'on'erned! don/t 'are ho ell he does. t doesn/t do me any )ood a3ter a 'ertain *oint i3 he is never there 3or me.
ts im*ortant to balan'e home li3e and or in su'h a ay that neither se'urity nor the relationshi* is threatened. When a man loves a oman! he *robably ould a**re'iate bein) able to establish su'h a balan'e; to do so usually re8uires on)oin) dis'ussion and the 'oo*eration o3 both *artners.
Cool, Calm and Collected; Men Are Emotionally etarded. A third ma5or
'om*laint about men is that they are tone dea3 and un3athomable in their emotional res*onses.
With >on hen thin)s are oay! usually 3eel that no him. hen suddenly he does somethin) disa)reeable that 5ust don/t understand. 3 try to 3ind out hy! 5ust hit a bri' all.
Sometimes 'an tell he is an)ry! but he denies it! said Sue! F$! married to Ha'! a tru' driver! F9. Sometimes am amaed at his la' o3 normal res*onse. When e6*e't him to be s'ared he is not. When need nurturin)! he )ets turned o33. hen he )ets de*ressed and doesn/t no hy. 5ust )ive u* tryin) to mae sense o3 him.
and hard to deal ith. no somethin) is ha**enin)! and 'an even )uess hat it is! but he denies my )uesses! and 'laims not to be 3eelin) anythin). So am le3t in the dar. A3ter a hile )et an)ry mysel3. he an)rier )et the 'ooler he )ets. t maes me 3eel lie a hel*less 'hild. ant to hit him so he/ll 3eel somethin). hen he loos hurt and s'ared. But ould he admit to it= Dot on your li3e.
Anne! 29! says about her lover o3 3our years&
he ima)e o3 the totally unru33led man o3 a'tion! the silent ty*e! tall! dar! and handsome! in 'ontrol o3 his 3eelin)s! o3 omen! o3 any situation%%the man ho never loses his 'ool! 'ertainly never 'ries Ounless someone dies! then maybe! and only )ets an)ry hen totally sel3%ri)hteous%%is a *oer3ul stereoty*e that e are 'onstantly e6*osed to on movie and 7 s'reens! in novels! ma)aines! and 'omi' boos. his ima)e! hen ado*ted by a real *erson! *rodu'es a human bein) ho is easiest to relate to at a distan'e; the 'loser one )ets! the harder he is to lie. Be'ause he is human! he really does have 3eelin)s. But he doesn/t a'noled)e them least o3 all to himsel3.
nstead! he denies ith sin)ularity o3 *ur*ose that he needs! hurts! hates! loves! 3ears! and ho*es.
Su'h male 'hara'teristi's as des'ribed above are seldom 3ound in their *ure state in the real orld. More liely! *arts o3 them are 3ound in all o3 us. ?very man has a little o3 the se6 ma'hine! the oraholi'! and the 'ool dude in him in di33erent *ro*ortions at di33erent times o3 his li3e. e6*lore them here be'ause they are the male stereoty*es that omen 'om*lain about and be'ause none o3 the three is a *arti'ularly e33e'tive ay to be i3 one ants satis3yin)! intimate relationshi*s ith omen.
?a'h one has its initial a**eal. A man ho see*s you o33 your 3eet ith his se6ual *assion! ho ors hard and is su''ess3ul! or ho is in 'ontrol o3 this 'haoti' orld e live in is an attra'tive *ros*e't. he draba's o3 these sim*listi' a**roa'hes to li3e don/t 'ome out until he han)s out 3or a hile! and e see that he is obsessed ith se6! su''ess! or 'ontrol. @lamorous thou)h he a**eared in the tili)ht o3 romanti' en'ounters! he is not 8uite as a**ealin) in the sustained li)ht o3 lon)%term intima'y.
As yoursel3& >oes any o3 the above seem to des'ribe you= >o these 'om*laints rin) a bell o3 re'o)nition= Can you say that you are not a33e'ted by the *atterns o3 manhood that des'ribe= As a man you are *robably in3luen'ed by one or more o3 these male roles! and you *robably have su33ered in your relationshi*s ith omen Oand men be'ause o3 them! as have . his is only natural. But it is not ne'essary! and i3 e are so in'lined! e 'an do somethin) to 'han)e it.
Men ho 3ind themselves 'reatin) an emotional )a* in their relationshi*s ould do ell to 'on'entrate on be'omin) more aare and e6*ressive o3 their emotional lives and the emotional lives o3 others. his 'an be a'hieved throu)h trainin) in ?motional Litera'y. Let us be)in this *ro'ess o3 emotional edu'ation at the be)innin)! by *enin) the
Cha*ter F. What Women Want rom 4s& *enin) the
@ivin) a33e'tion is an instin't u*on hi'h human bein)s share ith other mammals has develo*ed into a 'om*le6! multi3a'eted art. While e all have the instin't! not all *eo*le are e8ually silled in the art.
Peo*le/s re*ertories are o3ten limited; 3or men! love is o3ten restri'ted to se6ual lovemain) or 3atherly 'on'ern. We are o3ten embarrassed by the idea o3 an e6trava)ant sho o3 a33e'tion. or omen! on the other hand! love tends to be 'onne'ted ith the o*en 3lo and e6*ression o3 a33e'tion stron)ly 3elt and o3ten 8uite se*arate 3rom se6uality.
Men and omen en5oy ea'h other/s style o3 lovin); in 3a't! re'eivin) that hi'h e don/t have to )ive is a s*e'ial *leasure. Women en5oy men/s *hysi'ality and *assion; men en5oy omen/s tenderness and nurturin). But hen e ant to )et ba' some o3 hat e )ive! e o3ten 3ind that our o**osite number is stru' dumb and that there seems to be no ay to )et hat e ant and need.
nstead o3 )ivin) hat the other ants! e o3ten 5ust )ive more o3 hat e ant and no ho to )ive. Conse8uently! e 3ind ourselves )ivin) more and )ettin) less o3 hat e need in return. 4ltimately! men o3ten develo* the 3eelin) that omen/s needs are in3inite and im*ossible to satis3y. n 3a't! hat omen ant is sim*le and 3inite! only e don/t alays no ho to )ive it. y*i'ally! men 3ind it di33i'ult to )et the ind o3 se6ual attention they ant! and omen have trouble )ettin) the nurturin) and )entle tenderness they 'rave.
n interviein) omen 3or this boo! the very 3irst 8uestion e ased as! When you 3irst meet a man! hat 'auses you to be interested= he anser almost universally re3erred to the man/s *ersonality%%his ener)y! his interests! his attitude. t seldom had to do ith his *re'ise *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's. ne o3 the res*onses that 'ame u* ith a )reat deal o3 3re8uen'y had to do ith the man/s
eyes.
3 he loos at me ith interest! lie it. t/s all in the eyes! the eyes are very im*ortant. t/s the s*arle in his eye that 3irst dras my attention. it/s not the eyes themselves! but hat they see that 'are about.
n 'loser investi)ation it seems that the omen ho res*onded in this ay ere tunin) in to the 3a't that hen men loo at omen! they 3re8uently eye them ith some very *re'ise standards havin) to do ith their *hysi'al a**earan'e.
While it is 'ertainly true that there are men ho re)ard a oman as a *ie'e o3 ass! and *erha*s a tro*hy to sho o33 to one/s 3riends! and little else! most men are not that 'rude. But even 3or men ho relate to omen on dee*er levels! there is a dee* seated habit! hen 3irst meetin) a oman! to 'he' her out visually. Some men 3eel )uilty about it! but 3ind it a seemin)ly automati' re3le6! di33i'ult to over'ome.
Psy'holo)ists re'ordin) the eye movements o3 *ersons looin) at a *aintin) have 3ound that di33erent *eo*le loo at di33erent *arts o3 the 'anvas in di33erent se8uen'es. Some *ay attention to one detail; others see* over the hole 'anvas. no o3 no s'ienti3i' resear'h about hat men loo at hen they meet omen! but have s*oen to many omen ho have be'ome a'utely aare o3 hat most men do ith their eyes hen meetin) a oman 3or the 3irst time.
4n3ortunately! men/s *er'e*tions have been dee*ly a33e'ted by a narro de3inition o3 3emale beauty that has trained the male eye so that it ill almost automati'ally 3i6 itsel3 on hair! breasts! aist! hi*s! le)s! and 3a'ial 3eatures. Based on a set o3 a''e*table standards o3 a**earan'e! men run a virtual s*ot evaluation&
Breasts O'he' one 1. oo bi). 2. oo small. F. Per3e't.
Le)s O'he' one
. oo short. 2. oo 3at. F! oo sinny. ". Per3e't.
1. oo lar)e. 2. oo small. F. Per3e't.
a'e O'he' one
. 4)ly. 2. so%so. F. Per3e't.
Q Add u* s'ores QQ Choose omen ith hi)hest s'ores. 3 not available )o to the oman ith the ne6t hi)hest s'ore.
Certain o3 us may be more interested in breasts than hi*s! or in le)s rather than breasts. here is a 'ertain latitude about hat is or isn/t a''e*table. his! o3 'ourse! is a 'ari'ature. han3ully! 3e men are really this ruthlessly 'rude. But most men en)a)e in some de)ree o3 this ty*e o3 thinin)! thou)h they may try
not to. Some men! o3 'ourse! are less a33li'ted by this 'urse than others! but un3ortunately! it a33e'ts 3ar too many o3 us.
he *roblem is not really that men loo at omen/s breasts! hi*s! and le)s. Women/s bodies are beauti3ul! so hy not loo at them= he *roblem is 1 e o3ten *ay more attention to body *arts than *ersonality! and 2 e evaluate them a''ordin) to *re'on'eived ideas o3 beauty%%e don/t see the beauty that is there. n my o*inion! mu'h o3 hat omen so dislie about men/s rovin) eye is that it Q*uts *hysi'al beauty above all elseQ! and that it 5ud)es in this 'rude! *re5udi'ed manner.
:enee had this 'omment& My 3riend 'alled me a hy*o'rite one ni)ht a3ter a *arty! be'ause )ave my *hone number to this )uy ho made a lot o3 3latterin) 'omments about my eyes and my hair. /ve alays said that hate it hen )uys 3o'us on omen/s loos and try to sedu'e them ith 3lattery. But my 3riend only 'ame in on the last *art o3 the 'onversation. Be3ore that e/d been talin) about my or; tea'h art history.
Many men are beildered hen omen 'om*lain o3 bein) se6 ob5e't! be'ause they doubt omen ould really en5oy it i3 their a**earan'e ere i)nored. hey assume omen en5oy bein) told they are beauti3ul as mu'h as men en5oy bein) told they are handsome. here is some truth to this! hat omen really ob5e't to is the 'onstant! in'essant 3o'us on their bodies! to the e6'lusion o3 all else! and throu)h very narro standards o3 beauty. he solution then is not to i)nore omen/s bodies! but to loo at the *ersonality 3irst! and then a**re'iate the *hysi'al beauty ithout 'om*arin) it to some ruthless Playboy ideal. 3 men 5ust looed and a**re'iated more o3 hat they sa! their )ae ould lose the hun)ry or re5e'tin) ed)e and be less o33ensive.
ne o3 the most un3ortunate 'onse8uen'es o3 men/s 3i6ation on omen/s *hysi'al beauty Onarroly de3ined is that many husbands 3ind that a3ter their ives have had 'hildren! as their hi*s iden and their 3a'es be)in to sho the
si)ns o3 a)e! they be'ome less attra'ted to them. heir ives usually sense this loss o3 interest and 3eel dee*ly hurt by it. 4sually these thin)s )o unsaid! and 'an so seeds o3 dee* resentment! leadin) to the erosion o3 the bond beteen them. his is really tra)i'! and it all stems 3rom a narro 'on'e*tion o3 beauty hi'h men 'an and should unlearn. e6*lain ho this 'an be done belo! in the se'tion on retrainin) the eye.
Crude and 'old%hearted *riorities are not the e6'lusive domain o3 men. Women have also looed at men ith su*er3i'ial and e6a'tin) standards in mind%%mostly havin) to do ith men/s *oer! their ability to be *roviders and *rote'tors. At times their 'he'list is as 'old%blooded as men/s! 3rom mae! model! and year o3 his 'ar to )ross ad5usted in'ome. o the a''usation Men loo at omen as se6 ob5e'ts! men 'an res*ond! Women loo at men as money ob5e'ts. Both are e6a))erated 'ari'atures! but both have some truth to them. ortunately this behavior is behavior is be'omin) less *revalent in the ae o3 the omen/s movement be'ause it 3lies in the 3a'e o3 3eminism.
n 3a't! omen have their on *hysi'al *re3eren'es! su'h as sie! a)e! le)s! 3a'e! shoulders! or aist. An in3ormal *oll in De or/s eely 7illa)e 7oi'e 3ound eyes to be hi)hest ranin)! hile asses 'ame in se'ond. have s*oen to omen ho 3ind that they too have a hard time resistin) the tenden'y to *la'e undue im*ortan'e on the loos o3 a man hen meetin) 3or the 3irst time! and 3eel bad about it! es*e'ially sin'e they don/t lie to be 5ud)ed that ay themselves. But%%and this is very im*ortant%%in the same *oll most omen 8uestioned made it 'lear that *hysi'al attributes aren/t the most im*ortant. Mu'h more o3ten mentioned ere! a se6y mind! tone o3 voi'e! intelli)en'e and 'harm! attitude! enthusiasm! a man ho *ays attention to me! the ay he stands! a *assionate man! and! over and over! his eyes. n other ords! omen do tend to see more o3 the hole *erson.
While some omen 3ind men/s 3i6ation on their bodies 3latterin)! many omen! es*e'ially omen ho thin o3 themselves as intelli)ent! *oer3ul! interestin)! or inde*endent! 3ind it insultin). But hen a man loos at the hole oman ith interest; i3 he loos at her eyes! at her 3a'e! at her hands! at her hole body rather than her RA body *arts! then she ill tae note o3 the 8uality o3 his interest and do so ith a**re'iation.
ne o3 the reasons hy e men 3o'us on visual 3a'tors has to do ith our e)os; our need 3or sel3%esteem and *resti)e. We 3antasie about bein) alin) into a *arty ith a beauti3ul oman by our side! drivin) don the street ith her in a 'onvertible! bein) seen sittin) at a table in a restaurant! or alin) don the aisle. We ima)ine ho other men ill a**raise her and a**rove or disa**rove o3 her as a oman they/d lie to be ith! a oman they ould 'om*ete 3or. While! on the other hand! hen 'onsiderin) a less 'onventionally attra'tive *artner! e orry that other men ill 3ind her u)ly and lose res*e't 3or us 3or bein) seen ith her. Sadly! a man may hesitate to *ursue a oman ho )enuinely interests him due to su'h 3ears.
his tenden'y is! thin! 'om*ounded by an as*e't o3 male so'ialiation; e are brou)ht u* to be een to sie thin)s u*! to a**raise. Some resear'h indi'ates that men are 3rom birth more attuned to visual! s*atial relationshi*! hereas omen e6'el in lan)ua)e sills. Men are trained to noti'e the *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's o3 our environment. We are tuned in to dimensions and *ro*ortions! and this tenden'y 'arries over to our *er'e*tion o3 omen. We tend to see omen/s bodies be3ore e see anythin) else. his 'ombined ith men/s 3o'us on se6uality! and his 'on'ern ith *resti)e! result in the male vi'e o3 bein) e68uisitely aare o3 omen/s bodies! noti'in) every detail! every small diviation 3rom the 'ultural ideal.
?a'h man must as himsel3 i3 he ants to let these sorts o3 3a'tors run his li3e! di'tate hi'h omen he ill date and mae love to! and ith hom he ill eventually 'ommitment. We have to as ourselves hether e ant to let other *eo*le/s visual standards )uide our lives. rue! 'ertain omen ill rouse envy and admiration in other men. So ill a shiny ne 'ar or a ya'ht. n the very short run there is nothin) lie a )or)eous oman in the *assen)er seat o3 a mans BMW 'onvertible to attra't *eo*le/s attention and )ive us *resti)e. But beyond the short run it isn/t 5ust loos! but everythin) else that maes *eo*le attra'tive.
Stron) *hysi'al attra'tion 'an be e6*losive and into6i'atin)! but it does not usually stand the tests o3 a li3etime to)ether. Hust as desirable! and more endurin)! is bein) ith someone ho is alive! ha**y! and 3ull o3 love. Whatever 3las she may have! real or ima)ined! ill soon )o unnoti'ed in a )enuinely beauti3ul *erson.
Bru'e! a su''ess3ul riter in his "0/s ho had been married ti'e! said& *i'ed my 3irst i3e out o3 a 'rod! at a literary *arty. Within minutes o3 meetin) her ne anted to marry her. A'tually! main) her mine ould be a more e6a't e6*ression o3 ho thou)ht o3 it. ?veryone thou)ht she as a stunnin) beauty and a 3ittin) 'om*anion to a youn)! u*%and%'omin) riter lie mysel3. Well! she as )ood%looin)! no doubt! but our relationshi* as 'om*letely based on her loos and my su''ess. When e ere alone ith ea'h other e ere 8uite sim*ly bored. My se'ond i3e and ere not attra'ted to ea'h other at 3irst; e 5ust did not 3it ea'h other/s idea o3 hat ea'h other should be. But e lied ea'h other more and more! rather 8ui'ly. Men don/t do double taes over her on the street! but my 3riends love her and love to han) out ith us. admit! used to thin she as *lain. oday thin she/s )or)eous.
Women! too! )et 'au)ht in this ind o3 a tra*. o be seen ith a ri'h! *oer3ul man ill arouse envy and admiration. he lure o3 su'h e)o boostin) *resti)e 'an 'ause omen to overloo their more intimate needs in 3avor o3 so'ial 3lattery.
Most o3 us! in the lon) term! are not this 3i6ated on su*er3i'ial beauty. But i3 you 'onsider your de'isions honestly! most *eo*le realie they have a 'ertain ran)e o3 a''e*tability hen it 'omes to a**earan'e! and are uneasy hen they ima)ine bein) seen datin) someone ho does not 3all ithin that ran)e. his is es*e'ially true o3 men. t is really orth be'omin) aare o3 this subtle dis'rimination most o3 us en)a)e in! and 'onsiderin) ho e mi)ht re)ret it in the lon) run. Lon) a3ter the 'rods )ive their a**roval! e have to deal ith our Q*artnerQ/s true *ersonality and may 3ind it antin). /ve s*oen to both men and omen ho realie this *roblem! but don/t no ho to )et over it. ortunately! ne ays o3 seein) 'an be learned.
??:CS? D?& :?:ADD@
We have seen the *roblems our visual *reo''u*ations 'an 'reate. t is im*ortant! there3ore! to retrain the eye. But ho 'an e alter this *erverse! seemin)ly irresistible tenden'y= here is somethin) e 'an do to modi3y the ay in hi'h
e *er'eive omen so that hen e 3irst meet them! our eyes see beyond their *hysi'al 'hara'teristi's and into the many other dimensions o3 their bein).
When meetin) a oman! it/s a )ood idea to disre)ard our stron) tenden'y to *ay attention to her su*er3i'ial dimensions. 3 our ob5e'ti3yin) eye 3o'uses on some blemish! it/s very e33e'tive to overloo that *er'eived 3la and sear'h instead 3or somethin) e 3ind *leasin). 3 the eye is attra'ted to a nose that doesn/t have the e6a't *er3e't idth! len)th! or turn! then e 'ons'iously loo 3or somethin) that e do lie! su'h as her eyes! her hands! ho *roudly she stands. We 'an tae note o3 hat e lie about her *hysi'ally! then )o on to other! more *sy'holo)i'al! as*e'ts o3 her *erson; her attitude! her intelli)en'e or 'reativity. n the other hand! hen e meet a oman ho is a media beauty! a 10! e need to overloo her irresistibleQ *er3e't 3eatures and loo 3or other thin)s a)ain; her hands! her voi'e! hat she does and lies! ho she is.
hat is! in 3a't! hat omen seem to do hen they 'onsider men. ne oman says& Soon a3ter meet a man! i3 am )oin) to lie him! no hat *art o3 him is )oin) to attra't me. Qt mi)ht be his smell! or his hands! his voi'e! the ay he stands! his arms! or maybe his 'hest. hat/s hat am dran to over and over.
Another oman says& Dobody is *er3e't. When lie a man! am dran to some 3eature o3 his. t 'an be anythin)%%/m not 'hoosy%%lie his *ro3ile or his sin. ther thin)s don/t seem to matter mu'h.
S*eain) 3or mysel3! years a)o sim*ly 'ould not see beyond omen/s body *arts. My 3riends 'ould *redi't ahead o3 time hi'h omen ould be interested in and hi'h omen ould i)nore. as re*eatedly and severely 'riti'ied 3or this behavior. n addition! only a 3e omen had the a**earan'e su33i'ient 3or me to be interested. 4sually! these omen ere the 3o'us o3 many other men/s interest as ell! and 3ound that there as usually some other man ho as more attra'tive to them than . So! the beauty! more o3ten than not! le3t me in the dust as she and this other 3ello aled hand in hand into the sunset.
When realied! in des*eration! ho harm3ul as my a33li'tion! be)an to retrain my eye. *ra'ti'ed 3or several months until it be'ame se'ond nature. tamed my eye/s automati' s'annin) o3 breasts! hi*s! le)s. re3used to ree6amine the
as*e'ts o3 a oman that 3ound un*leasin). 3or'ed mysel3 to )o on 3rom the easily *er'eived to the more subtle. sear'hed 3or unnoti'ed beauty! e6*lored it! and e6*anded my aareness. dis'overed ho mu'h unseen *er3e'tion! ho mu'h *oer! s*arle! intelli)en'e! and seetness there is in *eo*le a3ter looed beyond my eye/s 3irst 3o'us. When 3ound somethin) lied! rested on it! relished and savored it.
ne )lorious s*rin) mornin) noti'ed an unusually lar)e number o3 beauti3ul omen alin) the streets o3 Bereley. as *uled. Was there a omen/s 'onvention in ton! or *erha*s a ne in3lu6 o3 'oeds at the university= Was s*rin) 3or'in) all the beauti3ul omen into the streets= But no! the omen hadn/t 'han)ed. t as me. My eyes ere seein) beauti3ul! 3loin) hair! am*le hi*s! stron) le)s! 3a'es 3ull o3 'hara'ter! sel3%assured )aits. And! as let mysel3 admire these lovely thin)s! sa shinin) eyes returnin) the 'om*liment ith a smile and a 3li' o3 the shoulder that si)naled their a**re'iation.
Sin'e then! thou)h not 'om*letely 'ured! am de3initely mu'h im*roved. he orld is 3ull o3 beauti3ul omen; too many in 3a't to 3ully attend to. am lie a id in a 'andy store%%all due to a sim*le Othou)h not so easy 'han)e in *er'e*tion stimulated by retrainin) the eye.
he eyes are the indo o3 the soul! or so it is said. ?ye 'onta't is a very im*ortant as*e't o3 3irst meetin) a *erson. We o3ten avoid eye 'onta't be'ause e/re a3raid o3 hat e mi)ht see and o3 bein) seen. When looin) into ea'h other/s eyes! *eo*le 'onne't in a ay that has nothin) to do ith any other *hysi'al attribute; attention 3los dire'tly beteen them ithout )ettin) hun) u* on this or that su*er3i'ial detail. 3 the eye 'onta't is a''om*anied by a handshae! a 'losed 'ir'uit o3 ener)y is established that 'an say a )reat deal about hat is ha**enin) beteen the *eo*le involved. Whether the to *eo*le are 'om*atible and ill lie ea'h other enou)h to *ursue ea'h other/s 3riendshi* is o3ten de'ided in the this 3irst 3e se'onds o3 'onta't.
his ind o3 eye and hand en'ounter ill leave you ith a number o3 im*ressions hen you meet a oman. nly i3 you are able to see beyond the sur3a'e! ill the ay you see her! *lease her. n'e you dis'over hat deli)hts you about her! you are ell on your ay to *hrasin) your a**re'iation in a manner that ill 3eel )ood to her.
So e6er'ise ne is retrainin) the eye and 3indin) the beauty. o *ra'ti'e it )o somehere here you 'an sit unobtrusively and observe many *eo*le! lie a bea'h! a sho**in) mall! or a busy street. bserve ordinary *eo*le as they )o by! not 5ust 10/s but "/s and $/s Sear'h 3or somethin) that is *leasin) to you. :e3use to dell on hat you don/t lie.
De6t! s*end time ith a oman you no 'asually. n'e a)ain sear'h 3or *ositive attributes! this time *sy'holo)i'al attributes& he r attitude! her 'reativity! her intelli)en'e! her ener)y! hat have you. And don/t 3o'us on hat you don/t a**re'iate.
@et the idea= ay then! *ra'ti'e! *ra'ti'e! *ra'ti'e.
??:CS? W& ALN M? SW??L; S:N?S
n'e e have 3ound hat it is e lie about another *erson! e 'an *ro'eed to say it. or some *eo*le this is an easy tas. But 3or others a'tually sayin) hat they lieT)ivin) stroes in transa'tional analysis *arlan'eTand ho they lie it is 8uite di33i'ult. hey be'ome ton)ue%tied ith a**rehension.
What i3 she hates hat say=
What i3 mae a 3ool o3 mysel3= /m not )ood ith ords.
he heart beats 3aster! and he starts to seat. Maybe should ait; tomorro is another day.
She nos lie her; hy re*eat the obvious=
ne o3 the reasons men don/t e6*ress their a**re'iation to omen is that o3ten men 3eel that su'h a 'on3ession is tantamount to main) a 'ommitment. 3 tell her ho beauti3ul she is to me! she/ll thin /m in love! then she/ll ant to )et married and buy a house and to 'ars and have Qids! and /ll have to or to 5obs to *ut them throu)h 'olle)e...K ears o3 this sort lur in many male hearts! resultin) in hat then a**ears to be emotional stin)iness hen he/s a3raid to *ay 'om*liments or e6*ress his love. A man ho is 3leein) 'ommitment ill be es*e'ially relu'tant to say ho mu'h he lies a oman be'ause to do so 'uts o33 his es'a*e *ath! or so he 3ears. Do onder he breas out in a 'old seatK
ellin) someone ho mu'h e a**re'iate her doesn/t automati'ally si)nal li3elon) 'ommitment. Stroes Otransa'tional analysis 3or re'o)nition and 'om*liments 'an be )iven 3reely ithout 3ear o3 the tender tra*.
n any 'ase! i3 e are orried about ho *eo*le are )oin) to tae our 'om*liments! it/s a )ood idea to *re*are them by *avin) the ay&
have been noti'in) you the last 3e minutes; may )ive you a 'om*liment= or!
Can tell you somethin) really lie about you= or!
don/t no you! but ould you be o33ended i3 told you somethin) that stru' me as very attra'tive about you= or!
/ve been meanin) to tell you somethin). no 'om*liments mae some *eo*le 3eel aard! but there is somethin) ant to say to you! do you mind=
At this *oint! you have *er'eived somethin) you lie about a oman and have made sure that she is illin) to hear your 'om*liment and to hear it as you mean it. t/s time to *ut it into ords.
A stroe doesn/t have to *ass muster as s'ienti3i' truth. But it has to 'ome 3rom the heart it needs to be sin'ere. 3 say! thin you are beauti3ul Osmart! 3unny! only have to mae sure that truly believe it. ?ven thou)h it is im*ortant to )enerate arm a**re'iation here there may initially be luearm interest! it is absolutely essential that it be heart3elt rather than a hite lie. n'e you have 3i)ured out hat you sin'erely lie about a *erson! it on/t hurt to )o somehat overboard and be biased! hy*erboli'al! and meta*hori'! *arti'ularly sin'e men tend to be ob5e'tive! la'oni'! and s*arse. n other ords! hen it 'omes to 'om*liments! it/s better to )o sli)htly overboard than to 3all short. t/s better to be melodi'! rha*sodi'! or *oeti' than to be borin).
or instan'e! i3 you are in'lined to say! ou are smart! hy not say! have been noti'in) you talin) to di33erent *eo*le and realied ho really smart you are= nstead o3 sayin)! ou are 3unny! hy not say! ou no somethin)! you really 'ra' me u*. love your sense o3 humor= Why say! ou are beauti3ul! hen you 'an say! ?very so o3ten hen loo at you! am startled by your beauty. Sometimes you tae my breath aay= Women lie *oetry so let every a33e'tionate statement be a *oem.
As you be)in to e6*ress your a33e'tion! some omen may mistrust you and not believe it. A oman may shru) im*er'e*tibly! or mae a 3a'e or blin or 'lose her eyes hile she listens internally to a voi'e Oher inner Criti'Q sayin)! h! he is 5ust sayin) that to mae you 3eel )ood! or h! oh! here 'omes the se6ual *it'h.
3 you sus*e't that ind o3 thin) you 'an Qadd have the 3eelin) you don/t believe me. really do mean it. 3 she seems to sus*e't this is a *i' u* line! you should add don/t ant to mae you un'om3ortable; i3 did /m sorry. his doesn/t mean you should then slin aay in )uilt or embarrassment; it/s 5ust to let her no you aren/t out to bother her! 5ust to share an admirin) observation as res*e't3ully as *ossible.Q
She may anser! ou don/t really mean that; you are 5ust sayin) it. ou ill be able to anser! 'onvin'in)ly! But do! really! truly do. ry a)ain and as her to believe you this time.
She may really truly not ant to be 'om*limented! that is alays *ossible. n the other hand she may res*ond ith a toothsome smile! a hu)! or a ha**y si)h! and then you/ll no that you have su''ess3ully en)a)ed in a re'i*ro'al! i3 small! lovin) a't%%the )ivin) and tain) o3 a33e'tion.
So! e6er'ise to is al to me Seetly Oand at'h me melt. o *ra'ti'e this e6er'ise start by 'hoosin) a *erson you no and 'an trust and a3ter asin) her 3or *ermission tell her some o3 the 3latterin) thou)hts you have had about her. A3ter you 'an do this easily! *ra'ti'e on *eo*le you don/t no ell; at or! s'hool! or in the street.
And o3 'ourse! nothin) is as ell re'eived as hen at a 'hosen moment e 'at'h the attention o3 someone e dee*ly love and sin'erely! smilin)ly! unhesitatin)ly re'ite the shortest! seetest *oem o3 all& love you.
??:CS? <:??& L7? M? B?D> W:>S.
So 3ar! have been re3errin) e6'lusively to the verbal e6*ression o3 *ositive 3eelin)s. But there are other ays in hi'h *eo*le sho their love. or instan'e! the very 3a't that to *eo*le are havin) a )ood 'onversation; even i3 it does not in'lude overt statements o3 a33e'tion! is a 3orm o3 mutual a**re'iation and stroin). n the *ro'ess o3 a 'onversation! a *erson res*onds *ositively to another by listenin)! 'are3ully 'onsiderin) hat the other is sayin)! and tain) it seriously! by either a)reein) or res*e't3ully disa)reein) and by shoin) re'o)nition o3 hat is bein) said by noddin)! smilin)! or even lau)hin).
ne o3 the subtle as*e'ts o3 verbal 'ommuni'ation is the tonality o3 the voi'e! hi'h e6*resses the emotional 'ontent behind hat one is sayin). he very same ord! s*oen ith di33erent tones o3 voi'e! 'an have idely di33erent meanin)s. bviously! a )entle! tender tone o3 voi'e is )oin) to hei)hten the
*ositive e33e'ts o3 a statement! 'om*ared to a 3lat or harsh one. ?ven i3 all meanin) is e6tra'ted 3rom somebody/s s*ee'h! it/s usually 'lear to a listener hether the s*eaer is e6*ressin) a *ositive! neutral! or ne)ative attitude 5ust 3rom the tone o3 it.
ou'h Me! >ont ou'h MeK
At times omen don/t seem to ant to be tou'hed by men! and the reason is that they 3ear that i3 they a''e*t a man/s tou'h! it ill be inter*reted as se6ual a'8uies'en'e. Women may seem overly *aranoid in this res*e't! but men 'onsistently over inter*ret 3riendliness and o*enness on the *art o3 omen as a invitation. his is somethin) that omen have 'ome to resent. Some have 'ome to absolutely hate it.
Why 'an/t he tou'h me ithout immediately )ettin) turned on and antin) se6= one ased.
4nless no ant se6 ith a man! don/t dare let him tou'h me be'ause he/ll thin it/s a 'ome%on! said another.
et another sore! on/t tou'h a man unless no ant to have se6 ith him.
Closely related to the se6ual tou'h is the *oer tou'h. Men o3ten tou'h omen as a ay to assert their manhood! their 'ontrol and *oer. We hold a oman/s elbo; e tae their hands in ours! )uide them throu)h doors or don the street.
All this 'an be inno'ent enou)h! but o3ten it/s a ay to sho mastery and then it 'an be resented.
So men ho are shy about tou'hin) omen have )ood reason. Men as a rule don/t have an a''urate )ras* o3 the e6tent to hi'h they invade omen/s *riva'y. Men are alloed to on the s*a'e they o''u*y and to move a))ressively out o3 it into other *eo*le/s%%es*e'ially omen/s. A man ho is sensitive re'o)nies that in almost any situation involvin) omen he has the *otential o3 a bull in a 'hina sho*. o tae the ris o3 tou'hin) them ithout 'reatin) *roblems re8uires a 'ertain amount o3 sensitivity.
he hands are most naturally e6tensions o3 the heart. hey are the ideal instruments o3 love. Men seldom use their hands 3or any *ur*ose other than se6uality or mani*ulation. Many men tou'h 'hildren! or other men! or omen only hen they ant to 'ontrol them. he bene3its o3 tou'hin) are lar)ely ina''essible to these men; 'onse8uently! they don/t tou'h as mu'h as they need to! and tend to be underdevelo*ed in the )entle art o3 tou'hin). et! men/s hands are o3ten stron) and silled in other ays! and it ould not tae mu'h to learn their lovin)! *leasure%)ivin) 'a*a'ities.
he sensitive tou'h 'ombines love and intuition. Love *rovides the ener)y! and intuition )ives us the noled)e o3 ho to best dire't our ener)y to soothe and )ive *leasure. With our intuition! e 'an sense other *eo*le/s need 3or tou'h. 3 e *ay attention! e ill noti'e hen *eo*le have ba'a'hes! hen they are in need o3 en'oura)ement and su**ort! or hen they 5ust ant to be tou'hed! or not. his intuitive aareness! 'ombined ith a lovin) ener)y! is the basis 3or the lovin) tou'h.
**ortunities to tou'h ill *resent themselves i3 you are seein) them. Peo*le ill 'om*lain o3 heada'hes! *ain in the ba'! sore 3eet! tired hands! all o3 hi'h 'an be soothed ith tou'h. here is! o3 'ourse! the initial tou'h o3 the handshae. Beyond that! it is *ossible to tou'h *eo*le hile s*eain) to them! hile tain) als! hile )oin) *ast them in 'lose 8uarters! and hen biddin) them )oodbye. Brushin) someone/s hair 'an hel* a heada'he; holdin) and massa)in) someone/s hand 'an relieve their tension.
All sorts o3 *ossibilities 3or tou'h are available and should should be 'onsidered by a man ho ants to be'ome more lovin). he essential tas! hoever! is to tou'h re)ardless o3 any se6ual 'onsideration%%to tou'h ithout e6*e'tin) se6uality to be'ome an as*e't o3 the tou'hin). hat ill mean that e ill tou'h ithout dis'rimination; e ill tou'h those e are attra'ted to as mu'h as those e do not 3ind se6ually attra'tive.
ne very )ood ay o3 be'omin) a'8uainted ith the ay in hi'h our hands 'an im*art *leasure is to learn massa)e. Any man ho ants to be'ome more lovin) 'an tae a massa)e 'ourse and 3ind o**ortunities to *ra'ti'e on *eo*le he is 'lose to. 33er to )ive a head! ne'! ba'! or 3oot rub. A 3riend may have been 'ryin)! or may have been hammerin) nails all day; another may have sat all day at a des or *layed a hard ball )ame. n any one o3 these situations! it is *ossible to o33er a rub as a ay to sho our a**re'iation and to *ra'ti'e lovin) others.
So! e6er'ise three is love me beyond ords Oand /ll believe everythin) you say. De6t time you have an o**ortunity to )ive someone a33e'tion! *ay attention to your tone o3 voi'e! your *osture! your attitude! ho your 3eelin)s are transmitted throu)h your 3a'e and! in *arti'ular! your eyes. 4se your hands ith *eo*le you no ell; then e6*eriment ith the use o3 your hands ith *eo*le you are not ell a'8uainted ith.
hese are some o3 the thin)s omen ant%%don/t treat me lie a hun o3 meat! tal to me seetly! but love me beyond ords. But love o3 omen )oes beyond some o3 these im*ortant mani3estations o3 a33e'tion. 3 there is to be *ea'e beteen the se6es! e need to deal ith mu'h more! as e shall see in the 3olloin) 'ha*ter.
ha!ter *" Ma%in+ ,eace -et$een the Sexes Sin)le men o3ten see themselves as hunted animals! 'overtly 'hased a3ter by omen ho lon) 3or the emotional se'urity o3 marria)e! ho seem to vie a husband as a ind o3 se'urity blanet. ?ven a youn) man ho is in love ill o3ten be alienated by his beloved/s a**arent ea)erness to lose her 3reedom.
n the other hand! men see omen as havin) somethin) they ant& love! armth! se6%%hi'h they see they see omen usin) to tantalie them! and hi'h omen are not alays illin) to share. @iven the 'onstantly ra)in) ar o3 the se6es! it is sometimes di33i'ult 3or men to see omen as *eo*le they 'an love. hou)h a man may be attra'ted to a s*e'i3i' oman and *ursue her ith the *ur*ose o3 main) love! men o3ten are simultaneously miso)ynists Ooman haters! as eviden'ed by the hi)h in'iden'e o3 abuse! batterin)! and ra*e that omen su33er at the hands o3 men.
3ten! men believe they have reason to 3ear and be an)ry at omen be'ause o3 s*e'i3i' *ast e6*erien'es in their lives. he 3ollore is re*lete ith ima)es o3 omen ho hurt men! ho betray them! breain) their hearts! and humiliate them se6ually. Men 3eel they are o3ten treated unindly by omen. Women re5e't them or 'lin) to them! them! use them! and mae unreasonable demands. demands. Many men rarely )et satis3a'tion 3rom omen! and hen they do! the satis3a'tion seldom lasts and o3ten has many strin)s atta'hed. Above all! men o3ten 3eel terroried by omen/s emotions! hi'h they don/t understand and 'an/t seem to 'ontrol.
Dothin) ill be )ained by denyin) that omen deserve an)er 3rom men. Women/s role in the *ast re8uired them to be *assive! to )et 3rom men hat they needed throu)h devious means! and indeed! there are omen ho ill do anythin) to mae a man tae 'are o3 them. Women! too! have been an)ry! o3ten very an)ry! and have taen *leasure in humiliatin) men! main) them 'ral and be) 3or hat they ant. o men ho are seein) a *artner to share their lives! su'h omen are the sour'e o3 le)itimate le)itimate 3ear and an)er. he title o3 this boo! When a Man Loves a Woman is based on a son) that states that *oint 'learly& When a man loves a oman! Per'y Sled)e rites! he/ll s*end his last dime! )ive u* all o3 his 'om3orts! slee* out in the rain! turn his ba' on his best 3riend 5ust tryin) to hold on to her *re'ious love.
/ll never 3or)et hat my 3ather on'e said to me! a man remembers.
he stran)e 'ontradi'tion in men/s lives%%their miso)ynous 3ear o3 omen on the one hand! and their 'onstant *ursuit o3 omen on the other%%mi)ht seem irre'on'ilable. But it isn/t i3 one realies that men/s an)er at omen 'omes 3rom the 3rustration 'aused by the 'ontinual 3ailure to )et hat they des*erately need%% emotional nourishment. n other ords! men need omen be'ause e don/t no ho to love ourselves or others. We need omen to 3ul3ill our dee* hun)er 3or love! and be'ause o3 our )eneti' drive to 'o*ulate e in'orre'tly assume that our lon)in) 3or 3or love is best 3ul3illed throu)h throu)h se6. And hen e don/t su''eed in stillin) this hun)er! e blame omen and are an)ry at them.
!o"e o# Women. Most omen today understand the value o3 asin) 3or their
ri)hts and standin) u* 3or and lovin) themselves. But hy should men 5oin omen in their stru))le 3or sel3%res*e't= Why should they )ive u* their *rivile)e%% as the head o3 the household! havin) the 3irst and last ord! bein) able to sit at the head o3 the table hile someone else does the dishes! havin) the ri)ht to tae the lead in relationshi*s! bein) in 'ontrol= What ould be le3t= What ould men )et in return= Would they 3ind themselves in3erior to omen ith all their ne%3ound ener)ies and ambition! their ondrous se6uality! their 'hild%bearin) 'a*a'ities! and their ma)i'al! emotional *oers=
n her boo Sex for Women! Carmen Nerr de3ines 3eminism as love o3 omen. Peo*le/s rea'tions to this de3inition vary. or me it as a bulls%eye; yet many *eo*le initially rea't to it ith dislie and disa)reement. Some mistrust it be'ause it is too sim*le; others inter*ret love o3 omen to mean lesbianism or sim*ly se6 ith omen. et! hen )iven some thou)ht the de3inition taes on meanin) and validity. Love o3 omen does not ne'essarily im*ly se6uality! nor does it e6'lude it. Love here re3ers to the hole ran)e o3 *ositive emotions beteen *eo*le! 3rom 3ondness to *assionate se6uality.
When omen are an)ry! love o3 omen re8uires that their an)er be )iven room 3or 3ull e6*ression. When omen ithdra their love or se6uality! love o3 omen re8uires that their orld vie be )iven 'onsideration. Love o3 omen ould re8uire )reat 'on'ern and a'tive or to reverse the 3eminiation o3 *overty! that devastatin) *ro'ess that is *ushin) omen and 'hildren to the very bottom o3 the e'onomi' hea*. Love o3 omen means 'on'ern 3or the 'hild%related issues that a33e't them& 'hild'are! e8ual *ay! *re% and *ost%natal medi'al 'are and *ediatri' servi'es 3ree or at )reatly redu'ed *ri'es hen needed. And 3inally! hen omen! as they )ain *oer! 3all into the same errors o3 hi'h they have been the vi'tims! love o3 omen re8uires that they be 'riti'ied evenhandedly! ithout 'ondes'ension or sel3%ri)hteous an)er! that they be )iven the same alloan'es 3or error e )ive men.
Love o3 omen as a )rou*! hether they be old or youn)! thin or 3at! tall or short! re)ardless o3 their beauty! is the o**osite o3 miso)yny%%the sus*i'ion! dislie! 3ear! and la' o3 em*athy 3or omen that so a33li't many men.
n the other hand! the ae o3 omen! hi'h a33li'ted some early male 3eminists! is also ina**ro*riate love sin'e su'h e6treme adoration 'an only lead to disa**ointment and eventual an)er. Both omen and men are human! sub5e't to error and im*rovement. Both men and omen are 'a*able o3 bein) 'ruel and abusive. As omen )et *oer! it/s be'omin) 'lear that they 'an be thou)htless and 'ruel! 5ust lie men. But love o3 omen also re8uires that *eo*le re'o)nie one vital 3a't& Women have been treated badly and 'ontinue to be treated badly in 'om*arison to men. rue! both men and omen have su33ered! but omen have had all the su33erin) that has been meted out to men *lus! they/ve su33ered be'ause they are omen%%su33erin) that remains )enerally un'han)ed throu)hout the orld! e6'e*t o''asionally in a 3e *la'es lie middle and u**er% 'lass Dorth Ameri'a.
Without understandin) the histori'al 3a't o3 omen/s o**ression and ho omen have learned to rea't to *oer abuse! it/s not *ossible to a**re'iate omen/s 'ondition and res*ond to it lovin)ly. Without noled)e o3 omen/s a nd men/s histories as se*arate *eo*le! the mysteries o3 the love Oand hate beteen them 'annot ever be 3ully understood! and the ar beteen the se6es ill 'ontinue unabated.
So hy! let us as a)ain! should men embra'e the love o3 omen= he anser is that be'ause in doin) so e/ll be handed ba' our hearts. Be'ause in learnin) to love omen! e ill re'laim our lovin) 'a*a'ities. Be'ause i3 e learn to love omen! e ill learn to love ourselves! and ea'h other. n the short run! as men learn the love o3 omen! they/ll e6*erien'e love by omen in return. ?very 3eminist ste* that a man taes is liely to brin) about some re'o)nition and a**re'iation 3rom the omen around him. As he learns emotional litera'y! he ill rea* the *leasures o3 im*roved understandin) and 'ommuni'ation beteen himsel3 and the omen Oand men in his li3e. As he honors and e6*resses his on 3eelin)s! he ill 3ind idenin) a''e*tan'e and 'om3ort.
Love o3 omen ill also! by o*enin) our hearts! mae us more o*en and available to other men and their 3riendshi*. A33e'tion beteen men ill be more 'ommon*la'e and ill not have to ait 3or its traditional 3orms o3 e6*ression in the battle3ield! in the s*orts arena! or hen e )et drun to)ether. Men ill be
able to love ea'h other as they love their omen 3riends! thereby be'omin) more se'ure about ea'h other/s a33e'tions.
And i3 this is not enou)h! in the lon) run! love o3 omen 'an e6tend our li3e%s*an. By stimulatin) omen/s inde*enden'e and sel3%su33i'ien'y 3eminism has the *otential to relieve us o3 the burden o3 our traditional role as breadinner! bearer o3 sole 3inan'ial res*onsibility 3or the 3amily. here are no o*tions to the old tradition o3 orin) onesel3 into an early )rave to *rovide 3or i3e and 'hildren and 3inan'e the 'hildren/s edu'ation.
eminism ill soothin) our hearts as omen re'i*ro'ate our love 3or them! and as e be'ome )ood men! by brin)in) us the love o3 our 'hildren and the res*e't o3 our 'o%orers! those hom e or 3or! and those ho or 3or us. As love o3 omen in'reases its s'o*e a'ross the land and the orld! it ill *romote omen into *la'es o3 *oer%%omen ho are not 5ust 3emale re*li'as o3 heartless men! but omen hose 'a*a'ity to 3eel and understand emotions ill humanie business! *oliti's! reli)ion! and all as*e'ts o3 human li3e. With omen *arti'i*atin) in the ma5or de'isions that a33e't *eo*le%%ith omen holdin) u* hal3 the sy%%rationality ill be tem*ered ith 3eelin)! and that 'annot but bene3it us all.
he issue o3 men/s love 3or omen )oes to the 'ore o3 the 3inal se'tion o3 this boo. Love o3 omen is both an out'ome and a re8uisite 3or emotional develo*ment! be'ause in learnin) emotional litera'y e are establishin) a lovin) relationshi* ith! rather than re5e'tin)! the ne)le'ted *art o3 ourselves! our 3eelin)s. he ability to nurture! to be tender and lovin)! the ability! in short! to 3eel! has been omen/s realm. Do omen are asin) men to be *artners ith them in both the burdens and bene3its o3 emotional aliveness. Let us! there3ore! embra'e the tas o3 re'laimin) and 3ully onin) our 3eelin)s! and o3 learnin) emotional litera'y.
ha!ter ." /eelin+s' Women! hether youn) or old! Dorth Ameri'an! Latin Ameri'an! or ?uro*ean! hether orin) 'lass! leisure 'lass! or *oor! hether omen o3 'olor or hite%% hen ased hat they ant 3rom men! 'on'entrate on a similar theme. Let )o! )ive u* 'ontrol. @ive o3 yoursel3. Listen to me! and tell me hat/s )oin) on ith you ell me i3 you love me! or i3 you hate me. :ela6! 3ind the so3t *art o3 you. What 3eel 'ounts; ant you to 'are about it. ant to no ho you 3eel.
At 3irst! these ansers a**ear to be ty*i'al o3 the va)ue ay in hi'h omen tal to men hen they ant somethin) they/re not )ettin). But in looin) over these res*onses! be)an to see a *attern. @ive! o*en u*! 3eel! tell me! listen! be yoursel3 ; the 'ommon thread that dete'ted in all these ansers as that omen ant men to be'ome more 'ons'ious o3 ho they 3eel and ho omen 3eel. And omen ant men to be)in a'tin) u*on 3eelin)s more than they do.
eelin)s= e are a*t to res*ond. What do you mean by 3eelin)s= We are o3ten truly *uled by su'h a re8uest. Men/s rea'tion is an honest e6*ression o3 a**rehension! *ulement! and 'on'ern. he 3a't that our res*onse is o3ten tin)ed ith de3ensiveness is understandable! sin'e e re'o)nie the im*ortan'e o3 the 8uestion and our *roblem anserin) it. eelin)s= o men the very ord 'an brin) on a *ani' atta'! sin'e *ast e6*erien'e o3ten indi'ates there may be a dee*! mysterious! *erha*s 'on)enital! de3e't here. t/s not unlie a *erson ho suddenly 3inds himsel3 on a hi)h dive *lat3orm bein) en'oura)ed to 5um*. What do do= a man )as*s to himsel3! ho*in) somebody out there 'an e6*lain hat this 3eelin) thin) is all about! ho it 3un'tions! and ho to do it ithout a *ain3ul belly 3lo* and subse8uent dronin). 3ten this *ani' is 'om*ounded ith resentment. What no= he )rumbles. irst! she anted to )et married! so did. hen she 8uit her 5ob! so no or eeends. De6t she )ot *re)nant! so e sto**ed havin) se6. By this time he is sore. Do she ants 3eelin)s= What ne6t= or many men the 8uestion still remains! What do omen mean hen they say they ant 3eelin)s=
o mae matters orse omen aren/t alays )ood at e6*lainin) men/s de3i'ien'y& ou no *er3e'tly ell hat meanK Hust anser the 8uestion! J>o you love me=/ Su'h e6*ressions o3 an)er! thou)h no doubted 5usti3iable! are not hel*3ul hen she 'an not 'lari3y hat it is she ants him to do di33erently. t is e8ually un*rodu'tive hen a oman%%)ivin) ay to hurt and disa**ointment%% breas don and 'ries! and! hen he rea'hes out in an amorous ay%% she *ushes him aay s'ree'hin)& >on/t tou'h meK All you thin about is se6K She may be ri)ht! sin'e o3ten a oman in distress seems to stimulate an unanted male hormonal *rote'tive res*onse. But this ty*e o3 outburst leaves him none the iser about hat is u*settin) her.
et is should not sur*rise us that both men and omen stumble and blunder hen it 'omes to dis'ussin) emotions. Deither have been tau)ht to s*ea 3luently about 3eelin)s. eelin)s have not been idely dis'ussed or 'ons'iously tau)ht until re'ently in the late 1990s hen >aniel @oleman introdu'ed the 'on'e*t o3 ?U Oemotional intelli)en'e into the *o*ular mind ith his boo Emotional Intelligence . he emotional intelli)en'e movement has had dramati' re*er'ussions and has no doubt advan'ed emotional aareness the orld over. t is bein) tau)ht in s'hools do *ositive results es*e'ially in 'urbin) violen'e and it is bein) tau)ht in the 'or*orate orld and main) a di33eren'e there as ell.
et the most si)ni3i'ant lessons in emotional litera'y are tau)ht to 'hildren in the 3amily by omen ho *ass don to their dau)hters 'ertain rudimentary ho% to/s o3 emotional li3e. hus most omen are more 'onversant in emotional matters than most men! but both )rou*s have mu'h to learn. Some 3amilies and 'ultures allo boys more o*tions than others! but the vast ma5ority o3 males are raised ithin a system o3 attitudes that trains them to be in 'ontrol o3 themselves and others. ut o3 the rainbo o3 emotional hues and intensities! men are traditionally alloed to e6*ress only 3eelin)s o3 an)er Oi3 it/s ri)hteous! )uilt Oi3 it/s the result o3 irres*onsibility! and o''asionally! love Oi3 it/s ne or unre8uited. he subtler e6*ressions o3 an)er! love! )uilt! or other ne)ative emotions su'h as shame! 3ear and sadness or even *ositive emotions lie 5oy! or ho*e are not en'oura)ed e6'e*t *erha*s at s*orts events. Males are usually not )iven en'oura)ement to have su'h 3eelin)s nor to tal about them i3 they do. his 'reates the emotional )a* that se*arates men 3rom omen.
Women 'ry out 3or more 3eelin)s 3rom men! ho do not no ho to res*ond! even i3 illin). Meanhile! omen don/t no ho to tea'h men or even
ade8uately e6*lain hat they ant. Women may be more emotionally literate than men! but both men and omen have mu'h to learn. he hottest 'ontroversy beteen the se6es by 3ar ra)es over to ma5or areas o3 emotion%%love! se6! love and se6! love or se6. Women seem to be sayin) more love and Oit a**ears to men less se6. Men seem to be sayin) more se6 and Oit a**ears to omen less love. deally! everyone ants both! but is )ettin) *re'ious little o3 either. Millions o3 ords in son)s! boos! ma)aines! arti'les! and 'hur'h sermons have been ritten about this issue; here is my on *oint o3 vie.
Sex$ality. Se6uality is a *oer3ul! assertive emotion. Se6ual 3eelin)s are most
stron)ly 3elt in the )enitals! but se6uality 'an be 3elt more subtly over the entire body. t 3eels lie have bubbly 'ham*a)ne in my le)s and arms. When am issin)! 3eel mysel3 soon! as i3 3ire ere rushin) throu)h my veins. Sometimes it 3eels lie am lyin) in a very si3t stream and the ater is 3loin) throu)h me. t 3eels lie lyin) in the hot sun on a 'ool s*rin) day. t is intense! shain) *leasure! sometimes unbearably so.
Se6uality trans3orms *eo*le. t/s able to turn stable and *redi'table situations on their head. t is the stimulus 3or mi6in) *eo*le ho mi)ht never 3ind ea'h other ere it not 3or se6ual *ro*ulsion. Se6uality breas throu)h 'lass! ra'e! a)e! and 'olor barriers. Se6uality is lie the ladle in the sou* o3 human li3e. here is nothin) that stirs the *ot 8uite lie this revolutionary 3or'e rivaled only by violen'e in its 'a*a'ity to attra't or re*el *eo*le. he 3a't that it is an ine6haustible! billion dollar industry 'aterin) almost e6'lusively to men attests to its *oer and im*ortan'e hen the relationshi*s beteen men and omen are e6amined.
Se6uality 'an be 'onstru'tive! as in the attra'tion that men and omen 'an 3eel 3or ea'h other. hen it is a renein)! re'reatin) li3e 3or'e. r it 'an be destru'tive! as hen it be'omes an obsession dis*la'in) all other interests. We are aare that emotions lie an)er! 3ear! and se6uality are intimately asso'iated ith bodily 3un'tions. his is true o3 all emotions! hi'h are set a*art 3rom thou)hts by this very 3a't. Stron) emotions 'an *rodu'e *hysi'al sym*toms su'h as dry mouth! dilated or 'onstri'ted *u*ils! tears! )oose bum*s! heart *al*itations! or tremblin). tremblin). Se6uality! in *arti'ular! has stron) bodily mani3estations. @iven 3ull e6*ression! se6uality is et. Se6uality is 3luid; blood! seat! tears! s*it! seminal 3luids! va)inal se'retions and menstrual 3lo are *art and *ar'el o3 the the se6ual e6*erien'e. Some *eo*le e6*erien'e this as messy or even dis)ustin) and are re*ulsed by se6uality in its 3ull e6*ression. n addition! *eo*le are o3ten both attra'ted and re*ulsed by se6uality be'ause it/s a 3orm o3 ener)y that radiates 3rom *eo*le in *er'e*tible mani3estations. A *erson ho is 'har)ed ith se6uality ill be *al*ably ener)ied. Anyone in his or her vi'inity ill 3eel the vibes and be either attra'ted or re*elled! a''ordin) to their on orientation. or those 3avorably in'lined to another/s se6ual ener)y! the e6*erien'e ill be *ositive! even a turn on. or those not so im*ressed! it ill be un'om3ortable! even nauseatin).
?ri' Berne in his boo Sex an Human Loving said said that on reason 3or se6/s e33e't on us is that se6 is et. he 3luidity o3 se6 is not only in its moisture; se6ual motions are li8uid. r)asms are lie aves; se6 is lie a stream! lie a bottomless o'ean; se6ual ener)y ashes over us. he li8uid nature o3 se6uality has to be e*t in mind to understand it. Se6uality is an emotion hi'h! lie the ater that maes u* 90 *er'ent o3 our bodies! *ermeates our bein). When e attem*t to redu'e it to a mere 3un'tion beteen )enitals or a *lain *ro'reative a't! e lose si)ht o3 ho all%en'om*assin) it is. When e lose aareness o3 our se6uality! e live at the mer'y o3 its va)aries; e are de3eated by it hen e 'ould be ener)ied! *ro*elled! deli)hted! and ins*ired.
Be'ause se6uality is su'h a *oer3ul emotion! there is an e8ually *oer3ul! 'ulture%ide attem*t to 'ontrol and 'urb it. Peo*le attem*t to de3use se6uality by sanitiin)! deodoriin)! 'iviliin)! and redu'in) it to a *rodu't to be sold at dru) store 'ounters ri)ht alon) ith 'ondoms! 'ontra'e*tive 5ellies! and *orno ma)aines. Another ma5or method o3 'ontrol is throu)h emotions lie )uilt and 3ear! o3ten stron)ly asso'iated ith se6uality and its e6*ression. Se6uality on one hand and )uilt and 3ear on the other intensely o**ose ea'h other in a *aralyin) 'on3rontation. 4nder their o**osin) in3luen'e! *eo*le 3reee and dry u*! se6ually. But be'ause se6uality is su'h a stron) 3eelin)! it breas throu)h the su**ression to hi'h many men sub5e't their emotions. Conse8uently! men are ell a'8uainted ith it. Startin) in adoles'en'e! hen it seems to suddenly burst
3orth! se6uality is the 3eelin) e are most aare o3; it is the emotion that most 3or'e3ully im*oses itsel3 on us and demands to be handled. t usually remains so 3or the rest o3 our days! even hen it seems to have tem*orarily disa**eared 3rom our lives and 3or all intents and *ur*oses no lon)er a33e'ts us Oor so e thin. his is hy men ho may be out o3 tou'h ith most o3 their other emotions 'an none the less be a'utely aare o3 their se6ual desires.
%eing & 'n !o"e Dearly e8ual to se6uality in its intensity and! there3ore! in its
'a*a'ity to brea throu)h male relu'tan'e to 3eel! is the state o3 bein) in love. Bein) in love and sim*ly lovin) are to di33erent emotional e6*erien'es. he 3ormer is mu'h more *oer3ul than the latter! yet both are de3initely related. Bein) in love is a 'ondition o3 altered 'ons'iousness! based *robably on a hormonal 'han)e o3 body 'hemistry that is sou)ht a3ter 3or its beauty! and 3eared 3or its *otential to hurt us. Ain to a *rotra'ted dru) e6*erien'e! it has been dia)nosed by 'yni'al observers o3 the human 'ondition as a state o3 tem*orary insanity. When in love! one/s bein) resides ithin the lovin) e6*erien'e; one is both blind and all%seein)! and the lovin) 3eelin) 'olors everythin) ith its )lo.
When in love! a man/s *er'e*tion o3 his loved one is hei)htened and distorted as in a stran)e but onder3ul dream. We tra' her as she moves around the universe! and our heart si*s a beat hen she dro*s ba' into vie.
t is hen e are in love that se6ual 'hemistry is o3ten most obvious. ur insides melt; e see stran)e li)hts and auras; the other/s smells are utterly deli'ious%%mus! *ine needles! oran)es! 3resh 'ut stra. Peo*le ho are in love are aliens amon) ordinary *eo*le! alternately onder3ul and irritatin) in their e'stati' behavior. ne 'an only ait *atiently until the inevitable return 3rom *aradise brin)s them ba' to their senses. When the lovers 3inally return%%usually beteen si6 months and to years later%%they ill! ho*e3ully! love ea'h other. But o3ten they don/t! hi'h seems to sho that bein) in love is not 5ust an intense 'ase o3 lovin). 3ten *eo*le ho ere re'ently r e'ently in love don/t seem to love ea'h other at all but rather dislie ea'h other! sometimes a lot. All o3 hi'h seems to 'on3irm the theory that *eo*le in love are tem*orarily out o3 their minds.
Should e avoid 3allin) in love be'ause o3 its obvious *it3alls= t seems many *eo*le do%%men! more o3ten than not. We 3ear the radi'al loss o3 'ontrol! the vulnerability! the ay in hi'h it interru*ts our assi)ned tass. et no man/s emotional li3e is 'om*lete until he has 3allen dee*ly in love and! s ome ould ar)ue! until he has had his heart broen. nly then ill he no the lovin) e6*erien'e intimately enou)h to be able to love ade8uately the ne6t time around. his is hy hen a oman onders hether she 'an trust a man/s de'larations o3 love it 'an be )ood advi'e to re'ommend that she 3ind out hether he has had his heart broen. 3 he has! and mean truly broen Odee*! endurin) heart a'he 3or at least si6 months and a year or more re'overy a3ter that he 'an be trusted to understand hat bein) in love is all about.
!o"e. A''ordin) to medi'al s'ien'e! the heart is a mus'le that *um*s blood.
But the heart is also the bodily 3o'us o3 love. hat the heart has a 'onne'tion ith love seems to be )enerally non by *oets! and lovers. his noled)e is based on the 3a't that e 3eel love in our hearts and breasts. But a)ain! as is the 'ase ith se6uality%%here the sour'e is not 5ust the *enis or the 'litoris%%it is the hole area o3 the 'hest that is the sour'e o3 love/s ener)y; in 3a't! love 'an be 3elt all over the body.
Contrasted ith the *hysi'al! *erha*s bio'hemi'al nature o3 se6ual and in love e6*erien'es! *lain! re)ular! lon)%term love *ales by 'om*arison. et! su'h love is the most *oer3ul 3or'e in the orld. Love is a sub5e't o3 universal interest and 3as'ination! *robably be'ause everyone ants to be loved and most o3 us 3eel that e aren/t. Most *eo*le ant a re'i*ro'ated! lastin) love ith another *erson! and that is di33i'ult to a'hieve. ne im*ortant reason is that e are not tau)ht ho to love e6'e*t by e6am*le! and the e6am*les e have available aren/t alays very )ood. Another reason is that love is *oer3ul enou)h to 3ri)hten *eo*le! be'ause love is a lon)%term! bindin) ener)y. n'e e let ourselves love *eo*le! e are tied to them! to their needs! to their su33erin)! to their lives and deaths. o love others is to a'he hen they hurt! to tremble hen they are a3raid! to su''umb hen they die. t is im*ossible to i)nore the hun)er and *ain o3 the ones e love! so e sometimes 'ut ourselves o33 3rom them lest their *ain and need be'ome ours. he 'ommitment that lon)%lastin) love entails 3ri)htens us and )ives us *ause.
Love needs to be distin)uished 3rom se6uality%%es*e'ially by men! 3or hom se6 as a 3or'e o3ten over%shados or im*ersonates love. While love a6es or
anes sloly and steadily! se6ual 3eelin)s 3lu'tuate more 3re8uently and *oer3ully. We are mu'h more aare o3 the rise and 3all o3 se6ual 3eelin)s than o3 our 'han)es o3 heart. Most omen asso'iate se6uality ith love! thou)h they 'an 3eel love ithout it bein) 'ombined ith se6uality. Men! on the other hand! tend to asso'iate love ith se6uality! but 'an 3eel se6uality ithout love.
his is to say that men have *ervasive se6ual 3eelin)s! sometimes asso'iated ith 3eelin)s o3 love! hereas omen have *ervasive lovin) 3eelin)s! sometimes 'ombined ith se6. n other ords! men 'an have se6 ithout love more easily than omen! hile omen 'an have love ithout se6 more easily than men. his e6*lains omen/s 'ommon 'om*laints hen they have se6 ith a man and 3all in love ith him! and he doesn/t return the 3avor. Men need to no but not 3eel bad about this%%it/s sim*ly an indi'ation that love and se6 are se*arate and distin't 3eelin)s! that one 'an ha**en ithout the other! and that men are di33erent 3rom omen.
he *roblem! hen it be'omes a *roblem! is due to the di33eren'es beteen hat men and omen ant. 3 the rise and 3all o3 se6uality is 'om*ared ith the aves in the o'ean! then love is the tide. ?a'h ave brin)s ith it a subtle in'rease or de'rease o3 the tide. ?a'h ave 'omes and )oes ith an im*ressive roar! but the tide moves sloly! im*er'e*tibly. Similarly! our lovin) 3eelin)s 3or *eo*le move sloly; it taes time to love someone 3ully! and it taes time to lose the lovin) 3eelin).
Love! lie se6! is 3elt as 3luid! but it is e6*erien'ed more as a li8uid that 3ills! brims over! or is sadly dried u*. When it 3los! it 3los easily! as i3 don a )entle hill; it sirls in the 'hest and 3loods the mind ith tender! nurturin) thou)hts. While the se6ual and in love 3eelin) 'an develo* overni)ht! the e6*erien'e o3 lovin) someone builds u*on the shared e6*erien'es! u*s and dons! deaths! births; the a''umulated si)ni3i'ant moments o3 bein) to)ether over time. Lieise it 'an be destroyed throu)h time; eroded aay by lar)e and small 'ruelties! misunderstandin)s! and lu'less misha*s that are *art and *ar'el o3 everyday emotional stru))le.
Anger, Shame, and ($ilt Love and se6 aren/t the only 3eelin)s e have to deal
ith. he so%'alled ne)ative emotions%%hurt! an)er! shame! )uiltTare emotions that men have even more di33i'ulty admittin) to than se6 and even love. Su'h 3eelin)s as hurt! shame! and an)er are 'ommon*la'e to anyone hose love has
been abused! hether man or oman. Men es*e'ially have these emotions hen omen rebu33 their se6ual advan'es! hi'h! as e no! is o3ten.
n the
)uess am a *i) be))ed! *leaded! 'a5oled! but nothin) ored don/t 'ry anymore! be'ause don/t 'are anymore. 3it the old Ameri'an stereoty*e! overse6ed and under3u'ed. Many omen loo u*on se6 as a 'hore to brin) about the e6'retion o3 a little vile snivel ith a ind o3 'onvulsion and 'onsiderable rithin). n some ay 3eel lie /m overse6ed and some ind o3 mania' and *ut mysel3 don. 3elt totally inade8uate and useless t is dis)ustin) to resort to masturbation hen you are slee*in) ith a oman every ni)ht 3eel she sometimes uses se6 as a ea*on Sometimes 'ome a'ross as a oman hater! 3eel 'hained to my se6 drive. 3eel 'heated that someone 'an lau)hin)ly say no hen /m in my )reatest need!E ISometimes! the only ay to sto* 3rustration is to say Jhe hell ith it./
ther revealin) 8uestions ere >o you usually mae the initial se6ual advan'e=
I 3eel 8uite hurt! my sel3%esteem is loered 'onsiderably. )et an)ry. 3eel re5e'ted! hate main) se6ual advan'es. t maes me 3eel vul)ar and 'rude. usually 3eel lie a 5er. 3 /m re5e'ted! 3eel lie a total 3ool. 3eel lie a*olo)iin) to the oman and slinin) o33 to a 'orner lie the le'herous s'um she must thin am. hate itKKK 3eel embarrassed! an)ry !hurt.
Clearly! e have a serious! ides*read *roblem here. Men ant more se6 and omen ant more 3eelin). But i3 men ere to say ho they 3eel! they ould liely be 3urious! hurt! sel3%3la)ellatin). his *ervasive hurt and an)er are! in my o*inion! the emotional sour'e o3 ra*e and other violen'e a)ainst omen. When a
man 3eels de*rived hether by omen or by li3e in )eneral! he may de'ide in a miso)ynist ra)e to tae reven)e on a member o3 the o**osite se6.
Surely hurt and an)er are not the emotions that omen ant to hear 3rom men. When omen say that ant men to share their 3eelin)s! these bitter! *otentially hate3ul 3eelin)s are surely not hat they have in mind. he 3eelin)s they lon) 3or are 3eelin)s o3 love! tenderness! a33e'tion. Do onder men and omen thro their hands u* in des*airK
But all is not lost. or i3 you read elsehere! a)ain in The Hite Report on Male Sexuality ! you/ll 3ind that hen ased! Why do you lie inter'ourse= only three *er'ent o3 the men mentioned or)asm at all. Dor did men o3ten mention the *leasurable 3eelin) o3 the va)ina on the *enis as the main reason Most o3 the men ho ansered )ave *hysi'al 'loseness and overall body 'onta't%%3ull% len)th embra'in)%%as the most im*ortant *hysi'al element o3 their liin) inter'ourse! hile the *sy'holo)i'alVemotional reason most men )ave 3or liin) and antin) inter'ourse as the 3eelin) o3 bein) love an accepte itali's mine that inter'ourse )ave them.
love the 'loseness that inter'ourse brin)s. o lie u*on her and 3eel her body a)ainst mine ith the armth o3 her and the 3eelin) o3 her so3t belly a)ainst mine; 3eel an a'he 3or her 5ust thinin) about it. he bein) 'lose to another is more im*ortant than or)asm. lie inter'ourse 3or all its human 'onta't. t maes me 3eel valuable. t maes me 3eel 'lean and hole! a *art o3 li3e%%not 5ust a anderer. he end o3 loneliness Nnoin) you are loved! noin) you 'an love. t/s the *oint at hi'h 3eel she totally loves me. he 3eelin) o3 someone liin) you enou)h to )ive their body to you. With my 'o' dee* inside her 3eel totally se'ure and loved. nter'ourse 3eels *sy'holo)i'ally lie a''e*tan'e to me. t tells me she loves me. t )ives 'on3iden'e t lets me e6*ress 3eelin)s o3 a33e'tion! armth! tenderness and a**re'iation o3 omenE.
ue to our 'ultural u*brin)in)! men yearn 3or the )enital embra'e be'ause e 3ind sur'ease! in a ay e 'annot a'hieve elsehere! 3or our dee* lon)in) 3or love.
When men obsessively 'hase a3ter se6! it is be'ause it/s the only e6*erien'e available throu)h hi'h our on 3eelin)s o3 intima'y and a''e*tan'e are )iven 3ull vent. Little onder that e *ursue it so relentlessly! and that hen 3rustrated e 3eel su'h an)er and humiliation. Men! lie omen emotionally lon) 3or 'loseness! but biolo)i'ally are driven 3or *enetration. So 'loseness and inter'ourse o3ten be'ome and the same thin).
Male ($ilt When e be'ome aare o3 the ay in hi'h our *ursuit o3 se6
a33e'ts omen! e o3ten res*ond ith )uilt. @uilt ith res*e't to omen is a ma5or emotion in men and su**osedly serves to 'urb our 'heatin)! lyin)! and double%dealin) hearts. t is alle)edly a bene3i'ial emotion o3ten en'oura)ed by omen as their only levera)e a)ainst men/s loly instin'ts.
Sure! i3 )uilt is the only thin) that ill 'ause men to behave de'ently! let them 3eel )uilty. But ho ants to han) out ith a )uy ho 3eels )uilty about everythin) he ants= Sel3%su33i'ient! *oer3ul omen don/t ant men to behave lie )ood little boys 5ust be'ause they 3eel )uilty about hat they ant. hey ould *re3er that men a'noled)e hat they ant! and as 3or it o*enly instead o3 su**ressin) it ith )uilt. 'an/t stand it hen men ed)e a little 'loser! and a little 'loser! and snea u* on you! all the time 3eelin) )uilty and *retendin) it/s not ha**enin). /d 5ust as soon they/d be overt! ithout bein) a))ressive; that ay 'an mae u* my on mind.
When men 3eel )uilty about their desires and su**ress them! they may be a'tin) a''e*tably! but they ill also be devious and listless. t ould be 3ar better i3 a man said! Listen Ma))ie! ant to level ith you. am turned on to you and ant to mae love. 3eel )uilty about it! but it/s true. ellin) you is embarrassin) and also s'ares me be'ause /m a3raid you are )oin) to turn me don. don/t
ant to *ressure or rush you. /m *re*ared to a''e*t no 3or an anser. 5ust ant to be u* 3ront! so you no ho 3eel! so e 'an *ro'eed honestly.
@uilt is also a *oor motivator 3or 'han)e! and an even *oorer substitute 3or it. /m si' o3 him a*olo)iin) hen he messes u*.
We should be )ood men be'ause it ill bene3it us and the omen and 'hildren Oand men e love. 3 3or some reason e aren/t )ood! it is 3ar more use3ul to resolve not to re*eat our re*rehensible behavior! hatever it is! than to 3eel )uilty. We must be)in by a'noled)in) hat e are. n'e e do this! e 'an try to ad5ust to hat omen ant us to be! *rovided they ill meet us hal3ay ith reasonable ad5ustments o3 their on. his 'an only be done throu)h o*en! honest! *rin'i*led! 'oo*erative! and emotionally o*en dialo)ue and ne)otiation. n that manner the old%3ashioned manVoman so'ial 'ontra'ts 'an be u*dated and brou)ht in line ith the realities o3 modern men and omen.
Se6uality! love! hurt! an)er! shame! and )uilt are some o3 the emotions that e 3eel and that omen ant us to be aare o3! e6*ress! and deal ith. hey are ri)ht! be'ause only by noin) hat one/s 3eelin)s are and ho they do a33e't our behavior 'an e be)in to a'noled)e their in3luen'e on our relationshi*s. n 3a't! it 'an be ar)ued that humanind/s *ro)ress de*ends on sensible rein'or*oration o3 the emotions into every situation o3 im*ortan'e! in'ludin) the 3amily! the s'hools! and the hi)her levels o3 )overnment. We have brou)ht the
orld to the brin throu)h s'ienti3i' and te'hni'al *ursuits in hi'h emotion as deemed irrelevant. t is time no to deal ith the *oer and si)ni3i'an'e o3 the emotions.
?motional litera'y is a ma5or sill and a sour'e o3 *oer 3or human bein)s. o no *eo*le/s 3eelin)s is to be able to understand and *redi't their behavior more a''urately. o no ho to e6*ress one/s on emotions e33e'tively maes us e33e'tive in )ettin) hat e ant. n the arena o3 male%3emale relations! hen omen say that they ant 3eelin)s 3rom men! they are re3errin) 'on'retely to men/s 'a*a'ity to love and to say they do and to their 'a*a'ity to a''e*t a oman/s love and res*ond to it a**ro*riately. 3 'ourse! it isn/t 5ust lovin) 3eelin)s that interest omen ! but it is love that is at the 'enter o3 the emotions omen ant 3rom men. hey also ant us to sim*ly let them share our inner lives! to s*ea o*enly about our 3ears! disa**ointments and ho*es. And the *oint! o3 'ourse! is not 5ust to mouth the ords as many men have learned to do! but to develo* an ease ith one/s emotions that maes it *ossible to 3eel love and to say love you ithout 3ear o3 ridi'ule or re5e'tion. his in'ludes the 'a*a'ity to love someone ho may not love you; the 'a*a'ity to 'lari3y! hen one loves someone! 5ust ho mu'h%%hether 5ust no or 3orever%%the 'a*a'ity to say love you ithout automati'ally be'omin) 'ommitted to a li3etime relationshi*! and the 'a*a'ity! 3inally! to say don/t love you hen that is the 'ase.
n'e e o*en ourselves u* to lovin) emotions! the other 3eelin)s in the emotional rainbo ill )radually be similarly set 3ree. As e loo inside ourselves to 3ind the lovin) 3eelin)s e ere tau)ht not to e6*ress! e ill also liely un'over other 3eelin)s su'h as an)er and resentment. We may be dee*ly hurt and have 3eelin)s o3 an)er! sadness! shame buried ithin us 3rom the times hen a *erson e loved did not love us in return. We may 3eel )uilt e no lon)er love a *erson e loved yesterday. When e be)in to e6*ress our lovin) 3eelin)s! the hole netor o3 allied emotions ill be'ome a *art o3 our lives; all o3 these 3eelin)s ill need to be e6*ressed and dealt ith in turn. Without dealin) ith these *ain3ul 3eelin)s e ill not have a''ess to our 5oy3ul 3eelin)s! su'h as the 5oy and e6uberan'e hen a *erson e love loves us ba'.
Learnin) emotional litera'y is not an overni)ht matter; it taes time and has many lessons to be e6*lored. But the 3irst lesson is learnin) to say love you hen love is 3elt and to deal ith inhibitions! 3ears! and se'ond thou)hts truth3ully and res*onsibly.
Cha*ter G. ?motional Litera'y
he term litera'y is ordinarily a**lied to the 'a*a'ity to read and rite. But it 'an also be a**lied to the noled)e o3 other matters O'om*uter litera'y! environmental litera'y in'ludin) emotions. ?motional litera'y! the 'a*a'ity to understand and deal ith emotions! is a sill that omen value hi)hly hen it is *resent in men. An emotionally illiterate man ill not no his on emotions! their intensity and hat 'auses them.
An emotionally aare man ill be 'ons'ious o3 e6*erien'in) a variety o3 emotions at a variety o3 intensities.
here is a dee* seated resistan'e to be'omin) emotionally literate. A *erson ho 'annot read o3ten be'omes a3raid and de3ensive about his in'a*a'ity and 3aes understandin) out o3 embarrassment. lliterate *ersons tend to invalidate the im*ortan'e o3 readin) and ritin) and o3ten be'ome anti%literate and dis'ount the value o3 the ritten ord. Peo*le ho are illiterate o3ten try to 'om*ensate in other ays; they try to live a normal li3e outside o3 the realm o3 letters but they 'annot es'a*e the 3a't that they are unable to understand or 'ommuni'ate throu)h the ritten ord. Lieise! *eo*le ho are emotionally illiterate are o3ten embarrassed by their in'a*a'ity and attem*t to 'om*ensate 3or their handi'a* throu)h lo)i'al and rational methods. hey dis'ount emotions as bein) meanin)less and useless! but are embarrassed and de3ensive hen their in'a*a'ity is revealed.
ne man a3ter some months o3 or ith me! re3le'tin) on his emotional u*brin)in)! said& remember as a boy bein) *roud o3 a'tin) lie my 3ather and not lie my mother. even imitated ho he sat im*assively hen my mother hassled him ith tears and s'enes. Later! in the servi'e! as *roud o3 bein) very 'alm! not i'e%'old lie some )uys but 'alm. We all had 'ontem*t 3or )uys ho )ot e6'ited or u*set. noti'e! lately! that soldier movies mae a bi) thin) out o3 the ser)eant havin) 3eelin)s. urs didn/t! /l tell you that 3or sure.
When 'alm and lo)i' *revail at the overt! *ubli' level intera'tions seem 'ivilied and )ron u*. But barely hidden beneath the sur3a'e! emotions do 'ontinue to e6ist and! unbenonst to us! a33e't our lives. When su**ressed! *ent%u* emotions distort thinin) and 'ommuni'ation! *rodu'e errati' behavior! and even 'reate *hysi'al sym*toms su'h as head%! ba'%! and stoma'h%a'hes and 'hroni' 'onditions lie arthritis! ul'ers! 'olitis! 'onsti*ation and hy*ertension.
Alienated 3rom our emotional nature! e be'ome livin) dead%%alive *hysi'ally but *sy'holo)i'ally de'eased. ur homes! bedrooms! and it'hens are neat and
'lean! but our 'losets are *iled hi)h ith *sy'hi' 5un and our basements are 'luttered ith emotional dun).
?motions are unavailable to the emotionally illiterate! but *oer isn/t. Bein) unaare and un'on'erned ith 3eelin)s )ives *eo*le a heartless advanta)e over others ho are restrained by their em*athi' s'ru*les. And hen the livin) dead a'8uire *oer! as they so o3ten do! they sub5e't the rest o3 us to their 'ontrol! *oer *lays! and violen'e. When the emotionally illiterate inhabit the 'orridors o3 *oer and dominate hole )overnments! they threaten the 'itienry ith a*o'aly*se%%ar! death! hun)er! and disease.
E"al$ating )o$r Emotional !iteracy. may love a oman and she may love
me. We may be 3antasti' lovers and mae 3abulous love! but unless e understand and e33e'tively deal ith our emotions! our relationshi* ill deteriorate. t ill either unravel relentlessly until there/s nothin) but loose ends! or it ill be'ome a tra* 3rom hi'h only divor'e or death 'an release us. ou may onder here you stand on the emotional litera'y s'ale.
1. >o your 3eelin)s sometimes )et out o3 'ontrol= An)er= >e*ression= >o your 3eelin)s *ule you= Are you unable to understand them= 2. >o you sometimes 3eel em*ty inside! or dead%%that you are missin) somethin) very im*ortant in li3e= F. >o *eo*le 'om*lain that you la' 3eelin)! that you are 'old= Arro)ant= :e5e'tin)= ". >o you 3ind that most o3 your relationshi*s ith omen are lie turns at the bat% hree stries and you/re outK = >o you have trouble )ettin) involved ith a oman beyond a 3e dates= $. >o you e6*erien'e your 3eelin)s o3 love 'omin) and )oin) ine6*li'ably and un'ontrollably= G. Are you embarrassed to as 3or hat you ant or tal about 3eelin) hurt= >o you have trouble sayin)! love you = #. >o you avoid emotional situations lie )oodbyes or *eo*le ho are )rievin) or si'= >o you have trouble 'ryin)= Are you embarrassed hen someone shos a33e'tion 3or you in *ubli'=
3 you ansered yes to these 8uestions! you have some o3 the most 'ommon sym*toms o3 emotional illitera'y. he more o3 these e6*erien'es you are 3amiliar ith! the more you ill be able to *ro3it 3rom this se'tion o3 the boo.
What *e +eel and Why . o be emotionally literate e need to no both hat
it is that e are 3eelin) and hat the 'auses 3or our 3eelin)s are. t is not su33i'ient to no that e are an)ry! )uilty! ha**y! or in love.; e also need to no the ori)in o3 our an)er! hat 'auses our )uilt! hy e are in love.
ur *rimary emotions are 3e; an)er! sadness! 3ear! hate! se6! 5oy! love! ho*e. ?motions 'an be divided into *ositive and ne)ative! de*endin) on hether e see them or avoid them be'ause they )ive us *leasure or *ain. When to or more *rimary emotions o''ur simultaneously! they 'ombine into se'ondary emotional hues. Love 'an o''ur ith an)er or even ith its 'ounter*art! hate. When more emotions are added! they 'an 'reate su'h a muddy e6*erien'e that 'haos and 'on3usion are the 'onse8uen'e. Healousy is o3ten su'h a 'om*ost o3 emotions%%an)er! 3ear! shame! love! se6ual desire%%that it 'an seem both in'om*rehensible and unmana)eable. ?motions 'an also be stron) or ea.
?a'h o3 the emotions mentioned above has *oer3ul and ea mani3estations. or instan'e! an)er 'an )o 3rom minor irritation to blind ra)e. ear 'an )o 3rom mild a**rehension to terror. Peo*le ho are emotionally illiterate may re'o)nie their emotions only at the very intense end o3 the s*e'trum. Men! 3or instan'e! are o3ten either 'om*letely unaare o3 mild 3orms o3 an)er or unable to s*ea about them. et! hen they )et an)ry enou)h! men ill e6*ress their an)er and no that they are 3eelin) it. he same is true o3 men/s aareness o3 and 'a*a'ity to e6*ress their 3eelin)s o3 love. Men have a tenden'y to 3eel love only hen it is at the very intense end o3 the s*e'trum! and to 3eel it very intensely but! hen the 3eelin) anes! suddenly 3ind themselves utterly out o3 love. With the e6'e*tion o3 sudden breathrou)hs at 'ertain dramati' moments! they e6*erien'e their lives as rational and emotion 3ree. or them emotions are usually somethin) that ha**en to them une6*e'tedly. hey o''asionally e6*erien'e outbreas o3 irre*ressible emotion hi'h they re)ard as un*redi'table! hi)hly unanted disru*tions in their everyday lives! and are not aare o3 the 'onstant inter*lay o3 emotions belo the level o3 'ons'iousness that is the 'ause 3or these outbursts.
A man ho is in love ith a oman ho is bein) less than 'andid about her a33e'tions 3or another man may! a3ter ees or months! suddenly e6*lode into a 5ealous ra)e. he blindin) 3eelin) that over'omes him is a 'ombination o3 several stron) emotions& o3 love and an)er be'ause o3 her un3air treatment! o3 envy and 5ealousy be'ause he 3eels that she is )ivin) her love to another! o3 humiliation be'ause o3 his *oerlessness! and o3 ra)e be'ause o3 her de'eit. All o3 these to)ether ill be e6*erien'ed as an amor*hous and overhelmin) emotional 'haos that he/ll liely ant to su**ress be'ause o3 its seemin)ly unmana)eable nature.
3 he had been more emotionally literate! he mi)ht have noti'ed his 3eelin)s several ees be3ore and e6*ressed! rather than hidden! them.
!earning Emotional !iteracy t/s im*ortant to remember that in order to learn
emotional litera'y it is hel*3ul to be in an emotionally nurturin) environment in hi'h *eo*le a**laud and su**ort the learnin) o3 these sills. here is a stron) tenden'y in our 'ulture to deni)rate the learnin) o3 emotional sills! es*e'ially 3or men. A man ho ants to learn about these matters is not )oin) to re'eive a lot o3 su**ort in his everyday li3e. Learnin) emotional litera'y in our unsym*atheti' environment ill be di33i'ult.
here3ore! a ma5or 3irst ste* is to 3ind su'h an environment. riends! 'hur'h )rou*s! men/s )rou*s! a human *otential orsho*! or a su**ortive thera*y )rou* 'an be a )ood sour'e o3 ba'u* 3or men ho ant to learn emotional litera'y. here are also situations in hi'h hole 3amilies and )rou*s o3 *eo*le lie reli)ious or ethni' 'ommunities are o*en to emotional dialo)ue; su'h 'oo*erative environments are ideal 3or learnin) emotional litera'y.
A nurturin) lover 'an be very hel*3ul! o3 'ourse! but should not be the only su**ort! sin'e emotional learnin) 'an be e6haustin) 3or the tea'her. t/s a )ood idea to tae the *ressure o33 her by seein) a broad su**ort system o3 'lose 3riends! 3riendly a'8uaintan'es! a thera*ist *erha*s! trusted 3amily member! et'. his allos her to be hel*3ul ithout bein) 'entral to the *ro'ess.
Lie any 'om*le6 sill! it taes time and *atien'e to learn emotional litera'y. deally! it ould be learned durin) 'hildhood in an emotionally literate environment. When it/s not! as is )enerally the 'ase! several 'om*li'ations emer)e. irst! hen learnin) does not o''ur at the develo*mentally a**ro*riate a)e! it ill be more di33i'ult later. Se'ond! hile 3ailin) to develo* the sill! the 'hild ill *robably develo* *oor habits that ill need to be unlearned be3ore learnin) 'an o''ur. When *eo*le learn to *lay an instrument or ty*e or read on their on! they o3ten have to )o throu)h a di33i'ult *eriod o3 unlearnin) 'ounter%*rodu'tive habits be3ore 3urther e33e'tive learnin) 'an o''ur. his is also true o3 emotional litera'y; it is more di33i'ult to learn later in li3e and re8uires unlearnin) 'ertain bad emotional habits that inter3ere ith it.
nlearning Emotional Po*er A-$se. ?motions have *oer. hey have an
im*a't that at times 'an be overhelmin) to others. We are aare o3 the *oer o3 emotions hen e hold them ba' so as not to u*set their tar)et. ou have a'ted on a uns*oen understandin) o3 the *oer o3 emotions henever you have re3rained 3rom raisin) your voi'e in an)er at a lover! 3riend! or 'hild. 3 you/ve ever hide your on 3ear so as not to alarm those around you! or seen the ay *ani' s*reads hen someone yells ireK in a theater! you are 3amiliar ith the *oer o3 emotions.
We abuse the *oer our emotions have hen e unload them ithout arnin) on the unary! un*re*ared! or un*rote'ted in the 3orm o3 tantrums! tirades! or )uilt%tri*s . We 3urther abuse our emotions/ *oer hen e use them in *oer *lays that are a sort o3 emotional bla'%mail! a ta'ti' used to intimidate others into some 3orm o3 'om*lian'e. o )ive our 3eelin)s more *oer and 5usti3i'ation! e 'ou*le them ith 5ud)ments! a''usations! e6a))erations! and lies! hi'h e then ield lie billy 'lubs.
or instan'e! hen Hohn is slo in doin) the evenin)/s dishes! Mary ould do best to say somethin) lie& Hohn! e a)reed that i3 'ooed! you ould do the dishes! and you are main) me an)ry the ay you are dra))in) the 5ob out; *lease do as e a)reed and 3inish the dishes. But be'ause she is 3eelin) 3rustrated and *oerless! and has learned by Obad e6am*le that the only ay to e6*ress 'riti'ism and )et one/s ay is by )ettin) an)ry! she mi)ht say& @oddammit! Hohn! am )ettin) si' and tired o3 your dra))in) your 3eet. 'an/t believe ho 3ar you/ll )o not to do your share around here; you are settin) a 3ine e6am*le o3 lainess 3or the ids! is all 'an say.
' can make yo$ #eel; yo$ can make me #eel . Common sense indi'ates that
other *eo*le a33e't us emotionally. t seems obvious that one *erson/s a'tions 'an 'reate emotions in another. 3 Mary suddenly starts yellin) about the dishes in the middle o3 a *leasant 'onversation hile Hohn is en)rossed in a ma)aine arti'le! tain) him 'om*letely by sur*rise ith a sudden tirade! he is very liely to rea't emotionally. Perha*s a3ter bein) s'ared! he ill 3eel hurt! and a3ter 3eelin) hurt! he ill be an)ry. Meanhile Hohn/s 3eelin)s are a33e'tin) Mary! ho mi)ht res*ond ith )uilt! more an)er! or ho*elessness. All these rea'tions ill be the 'onse8uen'e o3 Mary/s outburst.
?motions have real ener)y that sets u* a *oer3ul 3ield o3 in3luen'e and a33e'ts *eo*le in its *hysi'al vi'inity. Hohn! 3or e6am*le! has *ra'ti'ally no 'hoi'e but to 3eel s'ared hen Mary suddenly shouts at him about the dishes. he hurt and later an)er may be o*tional! but all three 3eelin)s are the 'onse8uen'e! to some e6tent! o3 her behavior. A 'ommon res*onse o3 an emotionally illiterate *erson to another *erson/s 3eelin)s is to dis'laim res*onsibility. 3 Hohn is s'ared! hurt! or an)ry! Mary/s rea'tion may be hat/s your *roblem! or ou are 'hoosin) to be an)ry! be'ause she 3eels no duty to res*ond or rea't to them. his dis'ounts the hole realm o3 emotional res*onsibility and 3lies in the 3a'e o3 the obvious inter'onne'tions beteen *eo*le. Women o3ten 'om*lain o3 su'h res*onses 'omin) 3rom men and 3eel them to be ma5or obsta'les to emotional dialo)ue.
he truth is that e are able to 'ause 3eelin)s in other *eo*le! and they 'an 'ause 3eelin)s in us. hat 'a*a'ity 'an be abused hen e assault ea'h other ith an)er! or try to 'reate )uilt hen e are 3eelin) hurt. nly hen this emotional inter'onne'tedness is a'noled)ed 'an an emotionally literate dialo)ue o''ur. o deny this 3a't is a 3orm o3 emotional illitera'y. Peo*le are
intimately a33e'ted by ea'h other/s emotions! hether or not these emotions are 3ully a'noled)ed. n 3a't! it is *robably true that the less the emotions are dis'ussed! and the more they are dis'ounted! the more they ill a33e't their hosts.
he dis'ountin) o3 emotions 'an tae several 3orms. n one hand e 'an dis'ount our on. We may no that e are 3eelin) somethin)! but e *ur*osely brush it aside. n the other hand! e 'an dis'ount other *eo*le/s 3eelin)s. ?ven hen dis'ounted! hoever! the emotions 'ontinue. Peo*le thin they intera't rationally! but at the same time! at a very real but una'noled)ed level! the emotional dialo)ue *ro'eeds on another 'hannel ith its on *ulin) 'onse8uen'es.
ne ma5or 'onse8uen'e o3 dis'ountin) emotions is that they 'an stimulate ea'h other and snoball and eventually ra)e out o3 'ontrol. Some *eo*le 3eel that emotional outbursts o3 this sort are a healthy bloout that 'leans the system o3 emotional trash. n a ay! it is true that su'h outbursts release some o3 the tension o3 dis'ounted 3eelin)s! but usually somebody )ets hurt in the *ro'ess! o3ten omen or 'hildren! leavin) behind emotional ounds and s'ars that sometimes never heal.
Dealing *ith E"eryday Emotional Transactions A3ter a hard day/s or!
Anthony 'omes home and 3inds that Sandy! instead o3 bein) home as he ho*ed! is orin) late ith a ne a''ount. Anthony is disa**ointed! hurt! 3rustrated.
When she 3inally 'omes home! he is 'alm but sullen and li3eless.
sym*atheti'ally ithout de3ensiveness! a'noled)e ho he 3eels! and validate hatever truth there may be in his sus*i'ions. 3 all these ste*s are taen! and she res*onds in ind this di33i'ult situation ill be resolved in a *ositive ay! and Anthony and Sandy ill be able to 'ontinue their relationshi* in harmony. 3 not! and emotional 'haos is alloed in *la'e o3 emotionally literate dialo)! this in'ident 'ould be the be)innin) o3 the disinte)ration o3 their relationshi*.
Chapter 7. Taking Responsibility for our Mistakes; Apologies
3 the several im*ortant thin)s that belon) in the emotionally literate dialo)ue; main) a**ro*riate and sin'ere a*olo)ies is most im*ortant 3or men to learn. he thou)ht o3 main) a heart3elt a*olo)y stries terror in the avera)e man. Losin) 3a'e! ba'in) o33! eatin) 'ro%%all brin) ba' memories o3 s'hool%yard stru))les that tested and su**osedly *re*ared us 3or our manhood. We have learned that standin) one/s )round is manly! that ba'in) don is ea and humiliatin). et! a truly emotionally literate man ill admit his mistaes and a*olo)ie i3 he 'aused any harm.
Bein) emotionally literate de3initely )oes a)ainst the old%3ashioned stereoty*e o3 bein) a man. Whenever you behave in an emotionally literate ay you are 'hoosin) to 'han)e yoursel3 into a di33erent ind o3 a man! a man ho a'noled)es and deals ith his emotions. ?motionally illiterate behavior does not o''ur in isolated transa'tions but in *atterns. hree ays e en)a)e in these *atterns are to either
a do somethin) e don/t ant to do! b not as 3or hat e ant! or ' do more than our share in a )iven situation.
his sort o3 behavior is 'alled 'ode*endent in telve ste*s AA *arlan'e; in transa'tional analysis! it is 'alled :es'uin).
While 'ode*enden'y is a very use3ul 'on'e*t! transa'tional analysis adds to other behaviors to the *ro'ess. Perse'ution and bein) a 7i'tim. hese here roles
:es'uer! Perse'utor and 7i'tim arran)ed in trian)le by Steven Nar*man 'onstitute the drama trian)le. m*li'it in the trian)le is the 3a't that the three roles are de*endent on ea'h otherTinter'han)eableTso that anyone ho en)a)es in any one o3 them ill soon 3ind themselves in one o3 the other to.
hus! :es'uin) is a sour'e o3 mu'h 'on3li't and 'an ruin relationshi*s and 3riendshi*s. :es'ues usually be)in ith an e6'essive illin)ness to be )ivin) hi'h seems harmless. r it may stem 3rom a desire to alays do hatever one is ased to do! to alays be )ivin) and hel*3ul. r it may be the result o3 a su*erior attitude that assumes that a *erson is not able to tae 'are o3 hersel3. ?ventually the :es'uer ill tire and )et an)ry at those he has been )ivin) so mu'h to! blamin) them 3or his on de'ision to )ive more than he anted to )ive or to do more than his share. When e assume the :es'uer role! e do thin)s 3or *eo*le hom e see as bein) 7i'tims! unable to tae res*onsibility 3or themselves. Sometimes e even :es'ue *eo*le ho don/t e6*e't! need or ant to be :es'ued. n any 'ase the *erson bein) :es'ued is disen*oered hile in time the :es'uer ill inevitably 'ome to 3eel unha**y about his :es'uin) and eventually )et an)ry and turn to Perse'ution.
Moreover! the re'i*ient o3 the :es'uer/s mis)uided )enerosity ill eventually noti'e that the :es'uer is )ivin) thin)s out o3 a sense o3 obli)ation. e *eo*le en5oy bein) vieed as a 7i'tim; it maes sense that hen *eo*le realie they are bein) :es'ued! they 3eel humiliated and resent3ul.
he inevitable out'ome o3 :es'uin) *eo*le is an)er; an)er in the :es'uer ho )ets 3ed u* ith doin) thin)s he doesn/t ant to do or ith doin) more than his 3air share! and an)er in the 7i'tim 3or bein) 'ondes'ended to as someone ho 'an/t tae 'are o3 him or hersel3. nevitably! the :es'uer ill eventually *erse'ute the 7i'tim! or the 7i'tim ill *erse'ute the :es'uer. An)er ill s*ill 3reely in all dire'tions. em*tin) thou)h it may be to tae 'are o3 others! hard thou)h it may be to say no! learnin) not to :es'ue! and learnin) not to Perse'ute hen e have :es'ued is very im*ortant 3or anyone ho ants to *reserve and nurture meanin)3ul 3riendshi*s and relationshi*s.
he best ay o3 interru*tin) this 'y'le is to sto* :es'uin) and a*olo)ie. his needs to be handled ith 'are. indin) out that someone has been :es'uin) you 'an be humiliatin). Learnin) that someone 'lose to you no lon)er ants to do somethin) they have been doin) 3or or ith you%%s*end less time to)ether 3or
e6am*le%%'an 3eel lie an abandonment. When you de'ide that it is ne'essary to sto* :es'uin) someone! i3 the 'han)e you are *ro*osin) is substantial it 'an lead to a serious 'risis. here3ore it is use3ul to do it in a sa3e and sober situation lie in thera*y or ith the hel* o3 a mutual 3riend that 'an be trusted to understand and mediate. When none o3 these o*tions are available! it is *ossible to do it via a letter. n a 3a'e%to%3a'e e6'han)e the emotional res*onse o3 the res'uee mi)ht mae you 3eel de3ensive! or you mi)ht lose your nerve and )o on :es'uin). A letter avoids this and also )ives the other *erson an e6*lanation! stated 'arin)ly! in bla' and hite! that he or she 'an re%read to be sure they understand hat you have been doin) that you no lon)er ant to do! and hat 'han)es you are *ro*osin).
?ven ith these *re'autions! it is di33i'ult to sto* :es'uin). Be'ause :es'uin) means doin) thin)s you don/t ant to do! to sto* res'uin) you need to 'lari3y hat you ant! and hat 'onstitutes a 3air share o3 the e33ort involved in a relationshi*. ne has to no hat one ants and doesn/t ant to do and hat is a 3air distribution o3 a relationshi*/s res*onsibilities.
>o ant to 'ontinue this 'onversation= >o ant to have se6= >o ant to hel*= >o ant to eat out toni)ht= s it 3air 3or me to do the dishes i3 Mary 'oos! or should also see* the 3loor= s it 3air that alays have to initiate se6= Should alays *ay 3or dinner hen e )o out= >o ant to=
he 'orre't attitude hen e dis'over that e have been res'uin) is one o3 sel3% 'riti'ism rather than an)er! an a*olo)y rather than an a''usation. n addition! hen e have res'ued and ant to sto*! it is im*ortant to do so ith a )entle! nurturin) e6*lanation rather than an abru*t ithdraal or sulin) *oer *lay.
ha!ter 8" o$ to &e a -etter Loer Sexual Literacy When! at the turn o3 the 'entury! the taboos about the sub5e't o3 3emale se6uality that *revented it 3rom bein) dis'ussed! let alone ritten about! be)an to li3t! the 3irst ave o3 so%'alled e6*ert in3ormation as ludi'rously ina''urate. Women did not have or)asms! e ere told! or they had them automati'ally hen men did. Women lost their minds ith lust and they be'ame addi'ted to masturbation and 'litoral stimulation! or they ere 'ontent merely to satis3y their man! re8uirin) no or)asm 3or themselves. heories about omen/s se6uality ran)ed idely and in 'ontradi'tory dire'tions . t as not until the advent o3 3eminism and! later! the se6ual revolution that the study o3 3emale se6uality be)an to yield a''urate! reliable in3ormation.
What Women !ike and Dont !ike. ne o3 the most )round breain) *ie'es o3 s'holarshi* on the sub5e't as The Hite Report! # $ation-"ie Stuy of %emale Sexuality ! *ublished in the 19-0/s. his as and is still an e6'e*tionally
eye o*enin) investi)ation o3 omen/s sub5e'tive e6*erien'e o3 se6 ith men. he boo made and still maes di33i'ult readin) 3or most men! not only be'ause it is lon) and at times 'om*li'ated but also be'ause it *aints an un3latterin) *ortrait o3 the male lovemain) style.
t 'an be a sho' to see ho omen vie us as loves. When omen ere ased!
n a seemin)ly endless litany! s'ores o3 omen re'alled their ty*i'al e6*erien'es.
Small amount o3 3ore*lay! then inter'ourse till he 'omes. he end.
S*eed demon.
ae hat you 'an and don/t )ive any.
@ettin) on and )ettin) it over as on as *ossible.
An e6'ess o3 a'tivity.
Slam! ban)! than you ma/am.
nsert A into B. >ull! dull! dull! dull.
o the 8uestion Who de'ides hen it/s over= the ansers ere&
>i' Poer! the *enis de'ides.
as *ersonally *ained hen readin) these 'om*laints be'ause had to re'o)nie situations here these des'ri*tions 'ould 3it my on
behavior.
• •
• •
•
nly F0 *er'ent o3 omen had or)asms durin) inter'ourse. nly 11 *er'ent o3 the omen ho didn/t have an or)asm durin) inter'ourse said that they 3elt oay about it. he rest 3elt anyhere 3rom annoyed to very u*set. #0 *er'ent o3 them held the man res*onsible . -2 *er'ent o3 omen masturbated! and o3 these 92 *er'ent a'hieved or)asm. verhelmin)ly! omen anted se6 ith 3eelin).
hat means that the ma5ority o3 omen hom you! dear reader! have had! or ill have inter'ourse ith&
1. Will not have an or)asm. 2. Will 3eel bad about it. F. Would be able to a'hieve or)asm throu)h some 3orm o3 additional stimulation. ". Will blame you 3or their 3ailure to a'hieve or)asm! $. Will 3orhive almost anythin) i3 you sho a 'a*a'ity and illin)ness 3or 'ommuni'ation at the emotional level.
eelin) here means not 5ust any 3eelin)s! but 3irst and 3oremost! 3eelin)s o3 a33e'tion and tenderness%%3eelin)s that 3eel )ood. t is 3airly 'lear hat omen 'onsider lousy lovemain)%%to it& a man ho rushes her throu)h 3ore*lay! doesn/t as her hen she is ready 3or inter'ourse but assumes that he 'an tell! ho never 'onsiders aitin) to let her lead the ay; and ho then thrusts into
her at his *a'e! ithout 3indin) out hat s*eed! rhythm or an)le she ould *re3er; assumes that i3 she is a *assionate oman she ill 'ome under these 'ir'umstan'es; then! havin) 3ailed to hel* her 'ome Oor assumin) she has 'ome! or ill ma)i'ally hen he does! has his 'lima6 and then 3alls aslee*! leavin) her lyin) in the et s*ot ith no dis'ussion o3 ho she is 3eelin)! hether she is 'ontent and ho doesn/t say anythin) lovin) to her throu)hout! or ho only says lovin) thin)s durin) se6! and then in su'h a ay that his *ro3essed love seems totally se6 oriented.
han3ully! su'h men are on their ay to be'omin) e6tin't. But thou)h this 'ari'ature o3 male se6ual behavior is ar)uably be'omin) a thin) o3 the *ast! most men still have some o3 the se6ual vi'es des'ribed above. n the #0/s omen be)an to demand more thou)ht3ul love main). n the this ne millennium less and less omen are illin) to *ut u* ith the ind o3 *oor se6ual eti8uette detailed above.
Why Women >on/t Want to
t has taen 'ountless 'enturies! iresias verdi't in eus and
hou)h se6 drive varies 3rom *erson to *erson ith omen 5ust as ith men! most omen ant and 'ertainly 'an en5oy se6 as mu'h as men. hen hy is it that omen rarely *ursue se6 as men do! and o3ten de'line men/s se6ual overtures= he reasons are many! thou)h any one oman may have her on assortment. Let me list them in the order o3 3re8uen'y ith hi'h they/ve been mentioned to me.
WM?D AN? S? M:? P?:SDALL
omen. Conse8uently! men 'an have se6 more 'asually%%ith someone they hardly no or don/t even lie! durin) or a3ter an ar)ument! or in s*ite o3 other unresolved emotional issues. o men! se6uality is sim*ly more limited to 5ust that%%se6uality%%than it o3ten is 3or omen. hus! omen are more hesitant to have se6 3or 3ear o3 the dee*er emotional 'onse8uen'es *otentially asso'iated ith se6ual relations%%hurt! heart%brea! or sel3%re*roa'h.
My *roblem! said one oman! is that i3 really let mysel3 )o ith a man! /m liable to 3all in love ith him.
t/s hard 3or a man to *ut himsel3 in a oman/s shoes and ima)ine ho di33erent she may 3eel about havin) se6 than he. 3 she has no moral reservations! hy doesn/t she 5ust )o ahead= We tend to inter*ret her relu'tan'e as some 3orm o3 tease or *oer *lay! a ay o3 dominatin) us or usin) our needs to her advanta)e.
What men need to understand is that! as a rule! se6 is not e6*erien'ed in the same ay by men and omen. Uuite obviously! se6 ha**ens inside a oman hile it ha**ens outside a man; it is a more vulnerable! intimate matter 3or a oman! and e need to ee* that 3a't in mind.
?ver sin'e e 3irst met! said Mary about her husband Chu'! he has been ready to have se6 be3ore as.
M?D A:? ?D D 7?: @> L7?:S. Another reason 3or omen/s relu'tan'e is that many oman have had bad emotional e6*erien'es asso'iated ith se6 that mae them ary o3 *uttin) themselves at ris a)ain. Perha*s she has had trouble rea'hin) or)asm Oa *roblem many youn) omen e6*erien'e!
but 3e men ever do until they are in middle a)e! i3 ever. t is! un3ortunately! still true that many men/s e)os are hi)hly sensitive and that they rea't badly! even an)rily! to su))estions 3or im*rovement. She may have been *ushed into havin) se6 hen she didn/t ant to by an insistent *artner. She may have been ra*ed.
re8uently! a oman may have had the e6*erien'e o3 unsatis3yin) se6 ith a man hile he seemed 8uite 'ontent. Perha*s she hasn/t 'ome! *erha*s she has been s8uashed by an enthusiasti' man ho assumed and e*t the *roverbial missionary! man%above *osition. Perha*s she has been maneuvered into se6ual *ositions she didn/t lie! then treated ith subtle hostility hen she tried to e6*ress her dis*leasure. Perha*s she has e6*erien'ed that men/s e)os are hi)hly sensitive and that they rea't badly! even an)rily! to su))estions 3or im*rovement. Possibly she has noti'ed that men are dis)usted by her )enitals! their odor! her menses.
n short! she may not have en5oyed *revious se6ual en'ounters! has no reason to e6*e't better! and doesn/t ant to have to deal ith ine*t lovemain)! mu'h less *ossible abuse! es*e'ially ith a man hose interest may be *urely re'reational. She may 3eel! as one oman *ut it! hardly no the )uy. 3 'ould have been sure that se6 ould be )ood! ould have )one 3or it! but let/s 3a'e it! 'han'es are it ouldn/t and he ouldn/t even realie it. So then have to )et rid o3 him.
Seen in this li)ht! its entirely understandable that most omen are ary o3 rushin) into a se6ual en'ounter. And these are only the emotional riss.
PAD4L S?! ::ADS! D?CDS! 7.>. Women have reason to 3ear )enital in3e'tions. n addition to her*es! there are yeast in3e'tions! tri'homonas! 'hlamidia! *a*illoma virus all o3 hi'h men 'arry 3rom oman to oman and hi'h a33e't them hardly at all. @onorrhea and sy*hilis are more liely to )o undete'ted in omen and )onorrhea is more di33i'ult to treat in omen than in men. inally! there is A>S Oa'8uired immune de3i'ien'y syndrome. hou)h A>S still *rimarily threatens )ay men! heterose6ual men and omen are in'reasin)ly at ris! and men are *resently overhelmin)ly the 'arriers!
es*e'ially bise6ual men or 7 dru) users. Moreover! a man 'an have se6 ith an <7 *ositive oman and may not )et <7. But a oman/s 'han'es o3 bein) in3e'ted by a man are mu'h hi)her! es*e'ially i3 her va)inal alls are irritated durin) inter'ourse! then e6*osed to his semen.
Conse8uently! omen have more reason to avoid 'asual se6 than men do.
t too me years to realie hat as ha**enin)! but it turns out that every time mae love to somebody ne! ind u* ith some ind o3 'rot'h it'h. nly a3ter have been main) love to a )uy 3or a hile do sto* rea'tin) this ay. to )et used to him. don/t no! but that does not hel* hen it 'omes to )ettin) it on 'asually. So s*oe a oman ho had re)ret3ully de'ided that thou)h she en5oyed 'asual se6! she had to )ive it u*.
So a)ain! e need to *ut ourselves in the oman/s *la'e and understand hy she may be hesitant hen e are hot! hy%%thou)h she may lie us and may ant to have se6 as mu'h as e do%%she 'hooses to abstain.
?A: P:?@DADC While the above reasons a**ly mainly to 'asual se6! 3ear o3 *re)nan'y is a 'onstant dam*ener o3 omen/s se6ual a'tivity! hether 'asual or not. he 3a't remains that the 'onse8uen'es o3 *re)nan'y as ell as mu'h o3 the res*onsibility 3or birth 'ontrol 3all u*on the oman. While it may seem to men that modern birth 'ontrol methods mae *re)nan'y a *roblem o3 the *ast! that is not a'tually the 'ase. he *ill and the intra%uterine devi'e O4> have un'om3ortable and *otentially serious side e33e'ts. Can'er 3rom the *ill and *elvi' in3e'tions 3rom the 4> are *otentially li3e%threatenin) re*er'ussions 3or omen. Many omen are 5usti3iably unillin) to submit themselves to those riss.
or a hile! in the si6ties! thou)ht the *roblem as solved! said a oman in her late 3i3ties. too the *ill! and althou)h it had de3inite side e33e'ts! thou)ht! hat the he'! it/s orth it. But then all that resear'h started to 'ome out! and even thou)h they told you that it/s only a *roblem i3 you smoed! 5ust didnt trust them. as a3raid o3 the *ill and as not illin) to tae a 'han'e and didnt trust do'tors either. As 3ar as the 4> is 'on'erned! 3or)et it. A 3riend o3 mine had a
baby on an 4> and another almost died o3 a *elvi' in3e'tion! birth 'ontrol is a real *roblem and turned me o33 to 'asual se6.
his leaves omen havin) to rely on methods that are less than *er3e't. Conse8uently! *re)nan'y is alays a *ossibility no matter ho remote. n the 'ase o3 unanted *re)nan'y! abortion is an o*tion.
A MA?: M:ALS Some omen believe that se6ual behavior! hether 'asual or not! is ron) outside o3 marria)e. Some believe it is ron) even ithin marria)e unless it is desi)ned to brin) about 'hildren. or a oman ho has these belie3s! se6uality is asso'iated ith a )reat deal more )uilt than 3or men ith similar belie3s. Men have alays been indul)ed in their sins more than omen have. Women ho brea se6ual 'odes are 'alled sluts and stoned to death still in 'ertain *la'es; men are more than liely 3or)iven ith a noin) smile! and are even admired.
LACN CD:L Least o3ten mentioned by omen or in the usual se6 manuals but very im*ortant! in my o*inion! are the *re'on'e*tions about hat the normal se6ual e6*erien'e beteen a man and a oman is su**osed to be lie. he assum*tion is that the man ill be a'tive and the oman *assive. Conse8uently! both *artners enter into a se6ual e6*erien'e ith the e6*e'tation that the man ill mae the moves and the oman ill res*ond ith *leasure. 3 he ha**ens to mae the ri)ht moves%%that is! the moves that 3it into her needs%% events ill *ro)ress satis3a'torily. But i3 he )oes too 3ast or too slo! too )entle or too rou)hly! she usually doesn/t have the noled)e! e6*erien'e! or 'ultural *ermission to re'ti3y matters or tae the initiative. 3 she does assume more *oer in the situation and ties to 'ontrol the mans im*la'able tra5e'tory! she in'urs the real ris o3 bein) seen as se6ually )ras*in) and s'arin) the man into im*oten'e! a re'ent *henomenon 3amiliar to nely assertive omen.
3 she doesn/t assume *oer! she is liely to 3eel in'reasin)ly *oerless and un'om3ortable ith the situation.
a 'ar on a 3ast ride! a situation more 3amiliar omen than men. When drivin) 3ast! the *erson in 'ontrol is de3initely )oin) to have more 3un. 3 the *assen)er doesn/t en5oy or is 3ri)htened by the ride! there are only to thin)s she 'an do%%%rela6 and trust! or say somethin) and ris )ettin) into an ar)ument ith the driver%%but either solution is not as )ood as )ettin) into the driver/s seat. Any man ho ants to )et a 3eel 3or hat am talin) about 'an start by o33erin) the eys o3 his beloved 'ar to an a))ressive 3emale driver and e6*erien'in) the di33eren'e beteen bein) in 'ontrol and )ivin) u* 'ontrol.
ortunately! se6 is di33erent 3rom drivin)! and 'ontrol does not need to be e6'lusively in the hands o3 one or the other *arti'i*ant. n 3a't! the best se6 *robably o''urs hen 'ontrol )oes ba' and 3orth beteen *artners! )ivin) both o3 them the o**ortunity to e6*erien'e the to sides o3 the 'ontrol e8uation. A oman may try to be a )ood se6ual *artner! but the dominan'e%submission relationshi* may not or 3or her and nothin) she does ithin that e8uation may set it strai)ht. Deither she nor her *artner may realie that the reason 3or their di33i'ulty is based on an assum*tion about ho is in 'ontrol! ho leads and ho 3ollos! and ho )ets to set the beat o3 their se6ual rhythm. Who is in 'ontrol is *robably the sin)le most im*ortant 3a'tor in hether the oman ill have an or)asm. She may need oral se6! masturbation! or the oman%above *osition to 'lima6. 3 she 'an have se6 the ay she lies it! she ill *robably be satis3ied. he man! hoever! may )et turned o33 by her a))ressivity or not )et hat he needs%%a rare but use3ul o**ortunity to e6*erien'e hat is a 'ommon event 3or omen.
or all these reasons! most o3 the time that a oman and man meet! even i3 they are mutually attra'ted! the oman is liely to be less motivated to have se6.
nter'ourseTt is Hust a @uy hin)=
Control relates not only to ho love main) ill *ro)ress! at hat s*eed and in hi'h *ositionOs! but to hat 'onstitutes love main). or the ma5ority o3 men se6 is still de3ined as inter'ourse. ne o3 the revelations brou)ht out by 3eminist riters is that inter'ourse seems to be somethin) that men are 'om*elled to *ursue! hereas some omen have little or no interest in it. When a oman has had to learn to ada*t to male e6*e'tations! su'h as the assum*tion that she lies and ants inter'ourse! one 'onse8uen'e 'an be that she develo*s ne)ative 'onditionin). hat is! havin) o3ten had inter'ourse hen she didn/t
really 3eel lie it! her indi33eren'e to inter'ourse turns to dislie%%she may even be)in to have *ain durin) *enetration! a sense o3 her internal tension. his is the sort o3 *ro'ess that tra)i'ally leaves some omen thinin) they don/t lie se6! labelin) themselves as 3ri)id! sim*ly be'ause they do not have the a**etite 3or inter'ourse men e6*e't and tae 3or )ranted.
Men have a hard time realiin) that a oman ho isn/t enthusiast about inter'ourse is not 3ri)id! e have di33i'ulty understandin) that the e6*erien'e that 3or us is so *rimal! that 3eels so )ood! may 3eel very di33erent to her. A oman ho is alloed to e6*ress her relative la' o3 interest in inter'ourse may 3ind that! on'e the *ressure is o33! she 'an learn to a**re'iate it as one dish in the bu33et o3 se6ual deli)hts.
Sharin) Control and Con'ern
Se6ual di33i'ulties are usually blamed on the oman. t/s very mu'h lie hen she isn/t able to 3ollo the man/s lead on the dan'e 3loor. @ood se6! lie )ood dan'in)! is said to de*end on the oman bein) a )ood 3olloer. As omen be'ome more *oer3ul and less illin) to 3ollo! se6ual disharmony may a'tually in'rease until men learn to 3ollo and omen learn to lead! all o3 hi'h may tae 'onsiderable time and e33ort.
Se6uality is a very deli'ate *ro'ess easily s*oiled by *ain and an6iety. :e*eated bouts ith all o3 the minor and ma5or hassles o3 se6 'an 'ause omen to develo* an automati' an6ious res*onse! hi'h 'an *ut a dam*er on her desire and inter3ere ith her *leasure! hi'h a''ounts 3or most so%'alled 3emale 3ri)idity and the *ain some omen e6*erien'e 3rom time to time O3or some omen all the time durin) inter'ourse.
?very time a *erson has bad! un*leasant se6! ne)ative 'onditionin) ill a''umulate. >ue to the 'a*ri'e o3 anatomy! a oman ho is not en5oyin) se6! unlie a man! 'an still have inter'ourse. here3ore omen 'an! and o3ten do! have se6 even i3 they are not in the mood at all. @oin) throu)h the motions in this ay is e6a'tly the sort o3 e6*erien'e that 'reates ne)ative 'onditionin). his is *robably the main reason hy omen are more liely to lose their en5oyment o3 se6 than men. So! hile a man tends to see inter'ourse! a oman ill tend
to be more 'autious! unless she/s youn)! under he in3luen'e o3 intense hormonal *ressure to re*rodu'e and restless and ine6*erien'ed about the hassles o3 se6uality.
When she has )ron a''ustomed to a man/s body! trusts him! and *re'autions to *revent 'on'e*tion have been taen! then or)asm be'omes a liely and *re)nan'y an unliely out'ome o3 their lovemain)! and she may be'ome less relu'tant. Some men and omen ho have read this se'tion have ar)ued ith the *remise that men are more interested in se6 than omen. heir e6*erien'es seem to 'ontradi't that *oint o3 vie. Married omen! es*e'ially! 'om*lain that their husbands lose interest in se6. Some! usually very attra'tive youn) men! 3ind that omen are more interested in se6 than they are.
t ould 'ertainly be mistaen to say that all omen shy aay 3rom se6. here are omen ho 'om*lain about men/s relu'tan'e to have se6 ith them. Some omen 'om*lain o3 men/s se6ual *assivity or 'oldness. Men too are sometimes inhibited by moral s'ru*les! 3ears o3 be'omin) emotionally involved! and 3ears o3 be'omin) in3e'ted or im*otent or o3 bein) ine*t. Still! a''ordin) to The Hite Report on Male Sexuality ! they are in the minority. n
She e6*lains! nly 11 *er'ent o3 the #!000 men ho re*lied! stated that they ere 3ully satis3ied ith the 3re8uen'y o3 se6. Meanhile! in a survey o3 her readers! Ann Landers 3ound that #$ *er'ent o3 the omen ould )ladly )ive u* se6 alto)ether and settle 3or nonse6ual attention. t seems undeniable that men and omen have di33erent *riorities here se6 is 'on'erned! and that this o3ten results in omen 3eelin) love%starved! hile men 3eel se6%starved.
What Can a Man >o=
When a man 3inds that a oman doesnt ant to have inter'ourse he must be sym*atheti' to her hesitation.
ithdra his interest or sul. he best 'ourse o3 a'tion is to listen res*e't3ully to her 'on'erns and be *atient.
his is not easy 3or men to do! but it is hat omen ant. Women don/t lie to be sedu'ed or *ressured! 'ontrary to *o*ular o*inion. hey may o''asionally allo it! but a man ho is illin) to 'onsider the reasons that deter a oman 3rom se6ual inter'ourse ill 3ind that his irresistible desire 'an be'ome resistible and that his interest and lovin) 'on'ern 3or her 'an tem*er his ants.
n the other hand! a man ho s'ru*ulously avoids tryin) to *ressure omen may 3ind that omen ill a**roa'h him instead. Women a**re'iate not bein) *ressured 3or se6. Bein) relieved o3 su'h *ressure o3ten *uts them in tou'h ith their on desires so that! in the end! this a**roa'h may lead to a se6ual relationshi* as o3ten as a more a))ressive one. But! more im*ortantly! hile the 3re8uen'y o3 se6ual relations in the above to o*tions may be the same! the 8uality ill be vastly di33erent. or one thin)! the omen a man relates to se6ually ill be di33erent& 3 he is a))ressive! he ill *robably be most su''ess3ul ith *assive omen. When a oman is )oin) alon) ith the desires o3 a *ushy man her heart is not really in it! she/s still onderin) i3 she made a mistae! i3 she really ants to be in bed ith him at all.
n the other hand! a man ho )ives his *ros*e'tive *artner room to maneuver may have 3eer one%ni)ht su''ess stories to tell! but the omen ho 'hoose to have se6 ith him ill be truly illin)! enthusiasti' *arti'i*ants. She nos she
ants to mae love to him! has had time to rea'h 3ull arousal%%she is 'om3ortable and more liely to be a'tive. She is very di33erent than she ould be i3 she ere inde'isively submittin) to a relentless sedu'er. 4ntil a man has made love to a oman ho truly desires him o3 her on 3ree ill! he does not no hat it is lie to be a true lover.
3 a man is *ushy! his se6ual relationshi*s are liely to be short%lived and tense sin'e the oman ill eventually 3ind a ay o3 avoidin) his unanted advan'es. 3 he is not *ushy! se6uality is more liely to 'ontinue and im*rove sin'e she entered into it o3 her on a''ord. t ill be more truly *assionate and 5oyous! *erha*s even earthshain). Both ill be more liely to 'lima6 3ully and ith abandon. :e)ardless o3 hether they be'ome lon)%term lovers! or 3riends! or turn out to be 5ust shi*s *assin) in the ni)ht the e6*erien'e o3 intima'y beteen them ill bond their hearts! brin)in) a smile to their 3a'es henever re'alled! 3orever a sour'e o3 seet ener)y and *leasure rather than shame and re)ret.
Su'h mutually a)reed%u*on e6*erien'es 'an do a )reat deal to im*rove the overall 'limate in the relationshi*s beteen men and omen. We no no that omen ant to be surrounded by roman'e! they lie doin) thin)s to)ether! intimate tal! holdin) hands! tain) als! bein) listened to. hey ant to mae love! have or)asms! and s*end time bein) 'lose a3ter main) love. hey lie to be issed on the mouth! on the va)ina! all over; they lie to be 'aressed! 'uddled! 'radled! and hu))ed. hey need both *assion and tenderness. More s*e'i3i' *re3eren'es vary 3rom oman to oman. Nissin)! 3or instan'e! is *re3erred all the ay 3rom )entle to rou)h! 3rom dry to et! 3rom lon) to short. ?very oman has s*e'ial *arts o3 the body that she lies to have 'aressed in a s*e'i3i' ay! a''e*t that at times she may ant that *arti'ular *art tou'hed di33erently or not at all. n other ords! i3 she usually lies so3t 'aresses on her breast! she may at other times *re3er them to be s8ueeed or maybe le3t 'om*letely alone.
r i3 at most times she does not lie dire't stimulation o3 her 'litoris! she may desire it durin) inter'ourse . Similarly! some omen lie inter'ourse but do not rea'h an or)asm 3rom it! hile others rea'h or)asms 3rom inter'ourse but don/t lie it as mu'h as 'unnilin)us or some other 3orm o3 lovemain). he same omen ho lie inter'ourse hile mildly aroused may not lie it later hen about to 'lima6! or vi'e versa. t is not *ossible to )ive anythin) but a sho**in) list o3 omen/s *re3eren'es ithout 3allin) into the error o3 )eneraliation. Moreover! hat any one oman ill lie ill vary de*endin)! *artly. on her mood! the *hase
o3 the moon! here she is hom she is ith and hy! unlie men ho ill 'ome under almost any 'ir'umstan'es.
e men today ould be naive enou)h to thin that 'limbin) on to* o3 a oman and 'omin) in to minutes 3lat 'onstitutes )ood love main) te'hni8ue. But that still leaves the 8uestion o3 hat does. hou)h there are 'ertain rules o3 thumb the anser de*ends 'om*letely on soli'itin) in3ormation 3rom the oman involved.! bein) tuned in and res*onsive! and develo*in) a sense 3or the rhythm and 3lo o3 the se6ual dan'e.
We no no that most omen Omore than $0 *er'ent do not a'hieve or)asm throu)h inter'ourse! and that a *re3erred method o3 'lima6in) is 'unnilin)us. Let us turn then to that tender embra'e! and other im*ortant ste*s in the dan'e.
Cha*ter 9 .he hree Cs o3 Cunnilin)us Cunnilin)us is the 3oremost alternative to inter'ourse! mentioned re*eatedly by omen as a sour'e o3 or)asmi' satis3a'tion. n my o*inion! it/s a sill that any man ho *ro*oses to be a )ood lover needs to master.
Be'ause it is inde*endent o3 the other ma5or male se6ual attribute Omaintainin) an ere'tion! it 'an be learned se*arately by any man%%even one ho may be troubled ith im*oten'e. n'e learned! the aareness and sensitivity involved in hel*in) a oman 'ome to or)asm throu)h 'unnilin)us ill be bene3i'ial durin) inter'ourse as ell. Cunnilin)us *uts the 'litoris and the brain! in the 'losest *ossible 'onta't%%ith the ton)ue! a hi)hly sensitive! subtle! and *oer3ul mus'le! as the brid)e beteen them.
Perha*s it is the *ro6imity o3 the brain to the ton)ue that maes 'unnilin)us an ideal situation in hi'h to learn about omen/s se6ual res*onse. he ton)ue is *re'ise in its movements! and the oman/s rea'tion to it 8ui'ly reveals the e33e'tiveness o3 its a'tion; 3eedba' is immediate.
While the ton)ue and li*s are the *rota)onists in 'unnilin)us! the hands *lay im*ortant su**ortin) roles. Pla'ed around her hi*s or on her belly! or ith one! to! or three 3in)ers in her va)ina! the hands )ather in3on) to the stimulation. inally! the ears *i' u* breathin) *atterns and e6*ressions o3 *leasure.
he three re8uirements o3 *leasurable and e33e'tive 'unnilin)us are& bein) 'lean! 'om3ortable! and 'ommuni'ative. 3 you ish to *ursue 'unnilin)us all he ay to the oman/s or)asm! it/s im*ortant to arran)e 3or the three C/s o3 C.
CL?AD Some men en5oy )ivin) head to a oman hose )enitals are in a state o3 seasoned ri*eness. hat ind o3 a**etite ill not )o unnoti'ed and is liely to be a**re'iated. Any man ho doesnt have the taste 3or that ind o3 deli'a'y should 3ind a )entle! ta't3ul ay to as her to ash. he ren'h! ho are
noled)eable about these matters! have bidets 3or that *ur*ose. n the absen'e o3 a bidet! a shoer or a bath or a arm ash'loth are a**ro*riate *reludes to oral se6. his is also an o**ortunity 3or a man to ash his on )enitals! somethin) hi'h is hi)hly re'ommended to avoid s*readin) lesser va)inal in3e'tions. 3 neither has the *atien'e 3or an eroti' bath or shoer! he mi)ht moisten a ash 'loth and his*er /d love to eat you. Can ash you o33= /d love to )ive you a little s*on)e bath. o be )entle and ta't3ul! surround the re8uest in e6*ressions o3 *assion and desire; mae it *lay3ul! so she on/t 3eel embarrassed or tae o33en'e. t/s best to mae this re8uest be3ore you be)in to )o don on her! so she doesn/t thin that it/s her *ersonal smell that you 3ind uni8uely ob5e'tionable. Cleanliness is im*ortant 3or your 'om3ort! so don/t be shy to as.
CM:ABL? t is essential 3or both *artners to be 'om3ortable! sin'e it 'an tae a relatively lon) time 3or the oman to 'lima6. t is *ossible! in that time! to )et a sti33 ne' or a 'ram* i3 one starts in an un'om3ortable *osition. @ivin) head ith one/s ne' bent as is re8uired hen the oman is lyin) on her ba' and the man is lyin) on his stoma'h 'an be very un'om3ortable 3or some men. Both 'an lie on their sides! but this may be un'om3ortable 3or the oman. Pla'in) a *illo under her ba' may hel*. Another )ood *osition 3or 'om3ort is ith her hi*s at the ed)e o3 the bed and the man on the 3loor neelin) or even sittin) u*. his may be un'om3ortable 3or a oman ho needs to heave her le)s u* to 'ome. 3 so! she 'an ra* her le)s around him! *ut her 3eet on his shoulders! or s'oot ba' on the bed enou)h to *ut her 3eet u*. Whatever you s*e'i3i' needs! mae sure you are both 'om3ortable and you/ll be able to tae your time! hi'h is essential.
CMM4DCA7? or some reason *eo*le 3eel a'ute embarrassment about dis'ussin) their *re'ise ants and dislies durin) lovemain).
Many is the time; one oman 'on3essed about her lovemain) ith her husband! hen have made love *ain3ully and as not able to say anythin) about it.
he obvious solution is to as& s this too hard= oo 3ast= Are you 'om3ortable= 3 the anser is Sure! it mi)ht hel* to mae really sure. @ood! ant to
mae sure be'ause ant you to really en5oy this. Let me no i3 you )et un'om3ortable in any ay! oay= Whenever you onder about ho she is 3eelin) or hether she is en5oyin) hat you are doin) or hether there is somethin) you 'an do to im*rove it! as and as a)ain until asin) be'omes se'ond nature. Parado6i'ally! bein) able to as ill result in your havin) to as less and less as you be'ome more sensitive to the 'lues o3 her *leasures.
he Art o3 Cunnilin)us
Let us no )et to the nuts and bolts o3 the matter! s*ea the uns*eaable! and tal about 5ust ho it is done. ind the o*enin) o3 the va)ina and then run your ton)ue around it. aste your lover/s etness and learn to a**re'iate its 3lavor. >o this sloly! listenin) to and 3eelin) her res*onses. Put your hands on her hi*s or breasts and hold them or 'aress them. >on/t e6*e't anythin) in *arti'ular! 5ust *ay attention. Pro'eed )ently and sloly! let your mind dri3t! *lay a tune or a rhythm ith your ton)ue and li*s! rela6 and en5oy her rea'tions. ?ventually! in )ood time! move your ton)ue u*ards until you 3eel her 'litoris.
he 'litoris may be heavily hooded and small or e6*osed and lar)e or some 'ombination in beteen! so you may not be sure hether you have 3ound it. t may be hel*3ul here to realie that the 'litoris is somehat lie a tiny *enis! a sha3t ith a ti* that is very sensitive on the underside. he sha3t is 'overed by a retra'table layer o3 sin! hi'h may shroud the 3ull len)th o3 the 'litoris or leave the ti* e6*osed. 3 you thin you have 3ound the 'litoris but aren/t sure! you 'an as! s that your 'litoris= She may say yes or she may sho you ith her 3in)ers here it really is. She may also *re3er that you stay aay 3rom it somehat i3 the stimulation is too stron). As her to tell you hen you are )ettin) arm and hen you are ri)ht on it. She may not be sure; in that 'ase you/ll both have to loo 3or it. he 'litoris may or may not be ere't; you on/t ne'essarily be able to tell hen you 3irst 3ind it be'ause a small ere't 'litoris is not that di33erent 3rom a lar)e one that is not ere't.
When you 3ind the 'litoris and its ti* be 'are3ul to be very )entle be'ause 3or some omen dire't stimulation o3 the ti* o3 the 'litoris 'an 3eel too stron)! even *ain3ul. he most sensitive area 3or most omen is under the ti* o3 the 'litoris. With the ti* o3 your ton)ue loo 3or that sensitive area. With one or to 3in)ers!
you 'an slide u* the hood! hi'h ill hel* you to )et under it. Be aare o3 her rea'tion. ?6*lore the ti*! the sha3t! the va)inal labia and o*enin)! or )ently su' on the hole 'litoris! hile listenin) to her res*onse. ?ventually sto* and as her ho she 3eels. 3 it is not ri)ht! try a)ain. As a)ain and try a)ain. hat ill )ive you an idea o3 hat ind o3 stimulation she lies. ou no have the basi' re8uirements 3or )ivin) )ood head& she is 'lean and seet smellin)! you are 'om3ortable! and you are 'ommuni'atin) ith ea'h other.
ou have 3ound the 'litoris. Do you are ready to be)in in earnest! and 3rom no on there are no rules e6'e*t to tune in and )o ith the 3lo.
1. t/s im*ortant not to thin too mu'h about her or)asm. t/s mu'h better to 5ust have 3un! not intense *leasure! but 3un! lie 'hasin) a itten or 3lyin) a ite! drivin) a 'urvy road or dan'in) the samba. n the *ro'ess you/ll both )et hi)h on se6ual ener)y.
o en5oy dan'in) or *layin) ith a itten you need a res*onsive! lively *artner. he same is true here. he more your lover 'an o*enly e6*ress ho she is rea'tin) to your stimulation! the more you 3eel her move or be still! the more you hear her moan or s8ueal! the more you ill be able to 5oin her in the dan'e! )et lost in the hirlind! and )et hi)h 'hasin) her *leasure ith your ton)ue.
3 3or some reason she is not )ivin) you any 3eedba'%%not main) noise or movin)%%or i3 her rea'tion be'omes monotonous! you should *robably sto*. ?6*lain you aren/t sure she is en5oyin) it and as that she let you no hat she lies and hat she doesn/t lie.
2. >on/t 'ontinue beyond the *oint that you are en5oyin) it yoursel3. 3 you are )ettin) a sti33 ne' or a sore ton)ue or i3 you are be)innin) to )et bored! don/t )o on. >o somethin) else 3or a hile. nter'ourse may ee* her e6'itement hi)h! or you 'an use your 3in)ers hile issin) her breasts! or use a vibrator. ell her hat you ant to do and 3ind out i3 it/s oay ith her. r as her hat she ants to do. A3ter a hile you 'an return to 'unnilin)us. r not.
F. n the midst o3 your ton)ue *lay! your lover may )o 3rom a state o3 se6ual arousal to a ne! *re%or)asmi' sta)e. he most noti'eable 'han)e ill be an in'rease in mus'ular tension around her *elvis alternatin) ith short *eriods o3 rela6ation 3olloed by in'reasin) tension.
At this *oint you must 3ollo her lead& she needs steady and a''urate stimulation to a''umulate the se6ual ener)y to 'arry her over the ed)e. >on/t in'rease the tem*o or intensity o3 your a'tivity! 5ust maintain it steadily and in 'lose res*onsive her movements. hin o3 yoursel3 rollin) a marble u*hill ith your ton)ue. >on/t let it roll don; you need to stay ith it to )et over the to*. At this *oint! hen or)asm be'omes the ob5e'tive! hat your *artner does is as im*ortant as hat you do. ou 'an only *rovide $0 *er'ent o3 the stimulation; she needs to do the rest. here is no ma)i' 3ormula; you 'an only do your best! and the rest is u* to her and to 'ir'umstan'es. he day! time! and *la'e may be ri)ht or they may not be.
3 she 'omes easily Oand some omen 'ome 3ar more easily than others! there should be no *roblem. 3 not! hat you do may or may not be su33i'ient. ou/ll 3ind out throu)h e6*erien'e and trial and error. Sometimes! she ill lose the a''umulated tension! *erha*s due to the overly intense 'on'entration on her )enitals! hi'h may mae her sel3%'ons'ious! *erha*s be'ause your stimulation be'ame too intense or not intense enou)h! or be'ause you lost the beat! or she started thinin) about her or)asm and be'ame an6ious about ho lon) it as tain). 3 so! 'ontinue as lon) as you are still u* to it! and i3 you aren/t! sto*! do somethin) else! e6*lain that you need a 'han)e.
". Su))est that she use a vibrator or her hand to brin) hersel3 to or)asm. 3 she does! you 'an tae over hen she )ets 'lose to it! or you 'an 5ust at'h her 'ome. Niss her all over! *lay ith her breasts and en5oy her *leasure. While all o3 this is )oin) on! learn as mu'h as you 'an about hat her or)asm is lie%%hat are her *re%or)asmi' movements and sounds! ho does she build u* the tension to 'lima6! and hen she rea'hes the to*! ho does she ride the 'rest! and ho does she tae the don side o3 the roller 'oaster. Dot only ill all o3 this be a *leasure to observe! but it ill )ive you valuable in3ormation 3or the 3uture sin'e ea'h *erson has a 'hara'teristi' ay o3 'omin) that tends to re*eat itsel3. amiliarity ith her *attern ill be hel*3ul on 3uture o''asions.
So you or is 'ut out 3or you. Women have made it 'lear that they ant their men to be illin) and able to )ive them head. Do it/s u* to you to )o don to the o''asion ith the noled)e that it ill mae her ha**y and that it ill mae you all the more desirable to her.
,3E4 10" E4E3I57
5# 35 EE, 7
A very 'ommon res*onse to the 8uestion What do you ant 3rom a man! se6ually= as that he be able to maintain an ere'tion lon) enou)h 3or the oman to have an or)asm.
or men there are to ma5or *roblems re)ardin) ere'tions. irst! is )ettin) the ere'tion. Se'ond! ee*in) it. re8uently! a man 'an )et an ere'tion but 'annot maintain it be'ause o3 a tenden'y to 'ome soon a3ter bein) inside a oman.
(etting 't /. 3 you are a man ho has a *roblem )ettin) an ere'tion! the 3irst
thin) to remember is that i3 you ever do be'ome aroused enou)h to )et hard! then your e8ui*ment is in orin) 'ondition. he reason hy you are not )ettin) hard ith a oman on any *arti'ular o''asion is *sy'holo)i'al or! as the shrins say! in your head Othe one on your shoulders. here is o3 'ourse the de'reased ere'tile ability that 'omes ith advan'in) a)e usually in the G0s. But 3or youn)er men unless you have a hormonal disease! diabetes! some sort o3 brain lesion! lo blood *ressure! or are abusin) al'ohol or other dru)sTall o3 hi'h 'an be *hysi'al reasons 3or im*oten'eTyour in'a*a'ity to )et an ere'tion is *sy'holo)i'al.
So! i3 you ever have ere'tionsThether in se6ual situations! in the middle o3 the ni)ht! or in the mornin) hen you ae u*Tyou are not *hysi'ally im*otent. >ealin) ith ere'tlile dys3un'tion that has a *hysi'al 'ause is beyond the s'o*e o3 this boo.
here are to main *sy'holo)i'al reasons hy a man 'an/t )et an ere'tion hen he ants it.
1.
he 3irst time in my li3e that 'ouldn/t )et it u* as at a se6 *arty. didn/t no anybody at the *arty! and this oman ho had 5ust made love to this )uy 'alled me over and anted me to 3u' her. had been attra'ted to her all evenin)! so it didn/t even o''ur to me that mi)ht have a *roblem. o my sur*rise didn/t )et the usual instant ere'tion; in 3a't! the harder tried the so3ter )ot. ?ventually! had an e5a'ulation ith no ere'tion! hi'h as totally ne to me. he disturbin) thin) is that ever sin'e that time have a tenden'y to )et orried about )ettin) it u* in ne se6ual situations.
3 a man is an6ious about his ere'tion! his an6iety ill be'ome a 3a'tor in *reventin) him 3rom )ettin) one. 3 he 3ails to )et an ere'tion! his an6iety in'reases and that 'an 'ause his im*oten'e. 3 this is 'ombined ith a *artner ho is unsym*atheti' or unattra'tive to him! a vi'ious 'y'le 'an develo* until im*oten'e be'omes absolute.
Conse8uently! the solution 3or im*oten'e is to have se6 ith omen ho are both attra'tive to you and sym*atheti' to your *li)ht. ell them o3 your an6iety. Women are 3amiliar ith the *roblem o3 bein) unable to have an or)asm. hey are more liely to a**re'iate you i3 you are o*en and mae yoursel3 vulnerable than i3 you are se'retive and de3ensive.
his ind o3 understandin) and su**ort is! in 3a't! the 3un'tion o3 a *ro3essional se6 thera*ist or surro)ate! Su'h *ro3essionals 'an *rovide a sym*atheti' se6ual o**ortunity. 3 your morals and your *o'etboo *ermit and i3 you live here su'h hel* is available! it is orth tryin) i3 you have a *roblem ith ere'tions.
3ten! a man/s ere'tion is in'om*lete rather than 'om*letely absent. he *enis may not be 'om*letely hard! but nevertheless it is hard enou)h to insert in the va)ina. Men tend to 3eel that su'h a hal3 mast isn/t orthy oman/s attention! but they are mistaen. t/s really oay to rub a semi hard *enis a)ainst a oman/s va)ina and even to stu33 it into her. >oin) this ill *robably arouse both o3 you enou)h 3or nature to 3ollo its 'ourse. :emember that lesbians are able to have *er3e'tly satis3yin) se6 ithout aid o3 a *enis at all. hey do ell! than you! and one o3 the ays they brin) ea'h other to or)asm is to rub their *ubi' bones a)ainst ea'h other! thereby stimulatin) their 'litorises! somethin) a man 'an do ith an in'om*lete ere'tion.
n any 'ase! on the sub5e't o3 so3t *enises! one oman said lie 'omin) ith a so3t *enis. t 3eels nurturin)! there are times hen don/t lie bein) ban)ed. ou )et to 3eel more! a'tually. lie to 3eel the ere'tion ha**enin) inside me.
he *oint here is that dealin) ith im*oten'e ith easy)oin) o*enness! 'ommuni'ation! and 'reativity ill *ra'ti'ally )uarantee that the *roblem ill virtually )o aay. t/s an6iety! se'retiveness! and ital ri)idity that are res*onsible 3or so%'alled im*oten'e.
ne 'ommonly ased 8uestion is orth anserin)& Why is it that sometimes 3ind mysel3 ith a oman hom 'onsider *er3e't in every ay! and 'an t )et it u*= his hellish situation has been non to ha**en on o''asion. here are! as e have seen! several *ossible reasons. ne is an6iety. he e6'ited lover may! at the threshold o3 his 'herished 3antasy 'ome true! suddenly to 8uestion his on orth and 'a*a'ity. With this *ara)on o3 beauty lyin) re'e*tively be3ore him! he may have a sudden *an) o3 doubt! hi'h stries terror into heart and *enis. 3 so! he needs to rela6; e6tremely beauti3ul omen are not una''ustomed to this *henomenon. Let him thin about ho mu'h he lies her as a *erson and 3or)et ho beauti3ul she is. Let him iss her 3a'e and breasts! 'aress her tenderly! s*ea to her ith a33e'tion. An6iety ill melt aay and lovemain) ill ha**en in the end.
But *erha*s the *roblem is di33erent. Maybe! as beauti3ul she is! this oman isn/t all that se6y. Maybe she is not turned on either. no this 'an be a blo the e)o. stood be3ore *aradise and as not man enou)h to tread u*on it! you are
liely to tell yoursel3. Well! let the 3a't that she as at least illin) be a salve to your ounds and remember that a sense o3 humor 'an )o a lon) ay toard resolvin) the *roblem one ay or another.
no o3 a man ho solved the *roblem by talin) to his 'o' as a *easant ould to his relu'tant doney 'om*lainin) at the same time to the e6*e'tant oman o3 its insensate stubbornness. on/t tell you hat doney/s *re'ise res*onse as! but 'an tell you in the end! it hardly mattered.
0e is not t$rned on to the *oman or "isa "ersa . his is a'tual healthy
res*onse. Men are a''ustomed to believe that i3 a oman is illin)! a man should be able! re)ardless o3 ho he 3eels about her. But it is 8uite *ossible that a man ill 3ind himsel3 in bed ith a oman to hom he is not really attra'ted.
Another even subtler si)n o3 )roin) u* is i3 a man doesnt )et an ere'tion ith a oman ho is hersel3 not turned on. his 'an result in a be'almed se6ual situation! hi'h eventually may develo* some libidinal ener)y and eventually lead to mutual desire. Mu'h more liely is the situation in hi'h both *artners 3ranti'ally *ursue arousal ith minimal su''ess and a lot o3 hidden thou)hts o3 inade8ua'y and embarrassment leavin) the both sad and ho*eless.
When had the e6*erien'e o3 a man not )ettin) ere'tion! my 3irst rea'tion as that he asn/t turned on to me. irst too it *ersonally! but he as very ni'e about it. hen realied asnt turned on mysel3.
A man/s la' o3 arousal ould! in 3a't! be 3ar better tolerated i3 he ere a oman. We are sym*atheti' hen oman 'an/t res*ond to a man she is not attra'ted but e don/t )rant ourselves that *rivile)e. We are! a3ter all! men! and e have our res*onsibilitiesTone o3 hi'h Oe ima)ine is to satis3y the omen ho need us.
re8uently! a man have a *roblem )ettin) an ere'tion on the 3irst to or three ni)hts ith a oman. his is 'ertainly understandableTas understandable as a oman not havin) an or)asm on the 3irst 3e se6ual en'ounters ith a man. We need only a'noled)e the 3a't ithout / embarrassment! and mae love in other ays.
1ee/ing 't There. Many men )et an ere'tion readily enou)h but have di33i'ulty in
*reventin) or)asm soon a3ter *enetration. 3eelin) o3 bein) inside a oman is so el'ome! sensuous! and overhelmin)ly deli'ious that e sim*ly lose 'ontrol and ant to let )o. Lettin) )o is! a3ter all hat se6 is su**osed to be about; one 'an hardly blame us 3or doin) so hen hat e yearn 3or 3inally be'omes reality.
4n3ortunately! most omen! even i3 they en5oy man/s e'stasies! are not able to be holly em*atheti' ith this abandon. hey ould lie us to stay ith t until they 'an 'lima6 too! so e must learn to a''ommodate them.
ou may res*ond by su))estin) that it is all ri)ht the man to 'ome 3irst and then hel* the oman. his is theoreti'ally 'orre't! but it doesn/t or very ell reality. he *roblem is! as omen have noti'ed! usual male res*onse to or)asm is slumber. Be'ause o3 the e6*enditure o3 our *re'ious bodily 3luids or hatever! e o3ten ant to slee* soon a3ter e5a'ulation. Also! inter'ourse or other lovemain) 'an be'ome borin) or even *ain3ul a3ter or)asm! 3or both men and omen. So it/s ise that hen one 'lima6es! the other 3ollo 'lose behind. Men )enerally 'ome easier than omen. Conse8uently! it/s sim*ly a )ood idea 3or the oman to 'lima6 3irst. And that re8uires that a man learn to develo* some stayin) *oer.
Learnin) is all it taes. o learn! you need *ra'ti'e. What you need to *ra'ti'e is sim*ly sto**in) stimulation in time to *revent or)asm. n other ords! any
se6ually healthy *erson ill have an or)asm i3 su33i'iently and *ro*erly stimulated. t is basi'ally )ood that you are so stron)ly e6'ited hen you are inside your lover. t ould be a shame to try to 'han)e that. When men 'ontrol their e5a'ulation by 'ountin) ba'ard by thirteens 3rom 3ive thousand! or by reviein) in their minds the 'om*onent *arts o3 a motor'y'le en)ine! they are )oin) about it the ron) ay; the 'onse8uen'e may be a ooden *enis on an absent man! hi'h most omen ill not ne'essarily a**re'iate Othe absent *art. he solution is not to be'ome ri)id and 'ontrollin) but to 'ome to the ver)e o3 or)asm and sto*! *ull ba'! or! i3 ne'essary! out.
4nder e6treme 'ir'umstan'es! it 'an be e33e'tive to use the s8ueee te'hni8ue invented by Masters and Hohnson! hi'h is sim*ly to )ri* your *enis around its ne' beteen the head and the sha3t until it loses the e5a'ulatory e6'itement. Personally! 'onsider this a**roa'h somehat brutal! even i3 e33e'tive! sin'e lesser measures ill or ell enou)h ithout su'h violen'e.
Basi'ally! re'ommend that the man O*re3erably on to* here he has better 'ontrol sloly insert his *enis and 'are3ully a**roa'h the *oint o3 no return. Hust be3ore that *oint 'omes! he should sto* or *ull out until his e6'itement subsides. hen he 'an start a)ain! sto*! start a)ain! sto*! and so on. 3 he 3ails to 'ontrol his or)asm! he ent too 3ar.
?ventually! and this may tae si6 months to a year o3 *ra'ti'e! a man ill be able to 'ontrol his e5a'ulation durin) inter'ourse by varyin) the rhythm or am*litude o3 his thrusts hile ee*in) u* his lover/s e6'itement.
7ery o3ten a man/s in'a*a'ity to *revent e5a'ulation is 'onne'ted ith in3re8uent se6. n su'h situations it/s a )ood idea to *lan to have to or)asms. he 3irst
or)asm 'an be throu)h masturbation! 3ellatio! or inter'ourse. he se'ond or)asm ill be a lot easier to 'ontrol than the 3irst one.
Some omen may 3ind it 3rustratin) to sto* and )o! in this sto* and )o! in this 3ashion. he man must be aare o3 this and 'ontinue to stimulate her manually or orally hile 'almin) himsel3 don and bein) eternally than3ul 3or her 3orebearan'e. 3 he 'an *revent his or)asm ithout ithdrain) by lyin) very still! the *ressure o3 his *ubi' bone on her 'litoris ith some 3in)er *lay may ee* her aroused. She may even 'ome. At this time! o3 'ourse! he 'an ha**ily let )o! sin'e all o3 this sel3%'ontrol is really desi)ned to )ive her enou)h time to rea'h a 'lima6.
his rein3or'es a very im*ortant *ointTmaintainin) an ere'tion durin) inter'ourse involves the oman as mu'h as the man. 3 the oman isn/t en5oyin) hersel3 and orin) her ay toard an or)asm! the *rolon)ation o3 inter'ourse be'omes *ointless. Aimless inter'ourse is all ri)ht 3or a hile! but eventually a 'oordination beteen the to *artners has to o''ur! or the man ill be tem*ted to let )o.
Can 'ome= Dot yet! 5ust a little lon)er ... Are you 'lose= Maybe. Let/s ee* )oin). ay! but /ve )ot to sto* 3or a bit. ine! /m havin) )reat 3un. h oh! 'an 'ome no= >o you really ant to= t ould be ni'e. ay. >on/t move and let me mae you 'ome. hat as )reat. eah! )uess hat! 'ame too! or
loved it. Do it/s my turn%%eat me! or hat/s )reat! my turn ne6t time! let/s 5ust 'uddle.
A man ho learns both these sillsT'unnilin)us and maintainin) an ere'tionTis liely to 3ind that the omen he relates to se6ually ill have or)asms easier and o3tenerThile he ill in'rease en5oyment o3 his on. the to male se6ual sills! im*ortant as they are! only the be)innin) o3 hat a man has to no and to be 'onsidered a )ood lover.
CHAPTER 11. BRTH C!"TR!#$ %&EA&E PRE'E"T!"$ A"% !THER %!("ER&
When a man loves a oman! there are some serious 'onsiderations he needs to *ay attention to re)ardin) their se6ual relationshi*. n the *ast! men have o3ten i)nored these 'on'erns or assumed that they are the oman/s *roblem. But avoidin) these sometimes%un*leasant 3a'ts o3 li3e 'an only 'reate bi))er *roblems in the 3uture! so they need to be 'onsidered by a res*onsible and lovin) man.
Birth Control
A man ho is not 3ully aare o3 the need 3or mutually res*onsible birth 'ontrol 'annot be 'onsidered a )ood lover. 4nless a oman is sterile or the man has a vase'tomy! *re)nan'y is )oin) to be a 'on'ern that he needs to *arti'i*ate in. When main) love! nobody ants to have to bother ith 5ellies! 'ondoms! or dia)rams. Pra'ti'in) 'ontra'e*tion is a dra) on se6uality. Many men sim*ly i)nore the issue. he oman! le3t ith the burden o3 res*onsibility! may 5ust 'ross her 3in)ers and ho*e that she is not ovulatin). r! a 'ou*le may *ra'ti'e hal3 measures lie coitus interruptus O*ullin) out! to you and me or havin) inter'ourse 3or a hile be3ore he 'omes some other ay. Sometimes this method ors; most o3ten it doesn/t and *re)nan'y 3ollos! sin'e men se'rete s*erm in seminal 3luids be3ore rea'hin) or)asm.
n the 'ase o3 an unanted *re)nan'y! abortion is an obvious 'onsideration.
So! thou)h it may be 'onvenient 3or men to thin o3 abortions as re)rettable but minor in'onvenien'es about hi'h they need not orry! the 3a't is that hile some are unevent3ul! many are not! and none are easy. here3ore! be3ore main) love ith a oman! the only res*onsible 'ourse o3 a'tion 3or a man is to have a thorou)h 'onversation ith her about birth 'ontrol. Besides! it is in his interest to have a 'on3ident! 'om3ortable *artner rather than one ho is 3ear3ul and orried. o really mean to su))est that in the midst o3 *assionate es'alation toard love%main)! as i**ers melt aay and )arments 3ly into the ind! e are su**osed to sto* and say! Wait a minute! let/s tal about birth 'ontrol and diseases= hats not ho it )oes in the moviesKE A man may 3eel that to )et into a serious 'onversation at that *oint ould obviously ruin the o''asion. 3 it/s a *roblem! you mi)ht 8ui*! she/ll brin) it u*. he 3a't that she doesn/t means everythin) is all ri)ht.
Wron)K She *robably 3inds the matter as embarrassin) as you do. ?verythin) may be oay! in 3a't! but you never no 3or sure! and even i3 it is! she ill a**re'iate your asin) and your 'on'ern ill endear you to her all the more. And 'ertainly both o3 you should 3ind out hether either o3 you has A>S or any other disease.
inally let me *rovide some in3ormation about *re)nan'y! hi'h! to my sur*rise! have 3ound some otherise 'lever *eo*le to be 'on3used about&
QA oman 'an )et *re)nant durin) her *eriod. vulation and menstruation are not alays as se*arate as they are su**osed to be! and a s*erm 'an survive 3or days ithin a oman/s body.
Q?5a'ulation is not ne'essary 3or *re)nan'y; inter'ourse ithout e5a'ulation 'an brin) about *re)nan'y be'ause o3 s*erm%laden! *re% e5a'ulatory male se'retions.
QA oman does not have to have an or)asm to )et *re)nant.
Male Contra'e*tion
Let us s*ea o3 rubbers and vase'tomies. Provided they don/t brea or 'ome o33! rubbers are the most e33e'tive 3orm o3 me'hani'al 'ontra'e*tion. here3ore! you must no ho to use them. Do! rubbers are a di33i'ult sub5e't 3or men and believe it or not! don/t 3eel e8ual to the tas. Let me 8uote Coa'h Al ?llis/ lo'er room s*ee'h to the boys o3 the vi'torious San :emo
ay men! this is a *e* tal. oday am )oin) to tell you about rubbers and innin). Do you no that ould not send you to the shoers ith your so's on or that ould not as you to )et into a hot tub in your rain'oats! but this! believe me! is im*ortant! and it/s not so bad as you )uys seem to thin it is.
he deal ith rubbers is that it/s all in the rist; *uttin) them on is hat mean. ou 'an *ut on a rubber ron)! and it is )oin) to 3eel lie you are stirrin) your thin) in a bo6 o3 'ra'ers! not to s*ea o3 ho it is )oin) to 3eel to the lu'y lady. But i3 you no ho to *ut them on! rubbers 'an be almost as )ood as the naed item.
So listen u*. he se'ret o3 the rubber is lubri'ation. Do you )uys no about lubri'ation. t/s no )ood i3 it is the ron) ind or i3 it doesn/t rea'h all the *arts hi'h are rubbin) a)ainst ea'h other. So! you need *ro*er lubri'ation on the inside o3 the rubber beteen you and it! and on the outside beteen it and the lady. Beteen you and me! no o3 no better lubri'ant 3or the inside o3 your rubber than your very on s*it. Do! the stu33 that 'omes ith the so%'alled lubri'ated 'ondoms is no )ood; it doesn/t slide. S*it ors! it sli*s and slides! and it/s the best. So you )et *lenty o3 s*it around the head o3 your member and roll the rubber all the ay u* to the old *ubi' bone. >on/t lubri'ate the ne'! be'ause you ant the rubber to sti' rather than sli* o33 durin) the heat o3 en)a)ement.
ay! 3or the lubri'ation outside o3 your rubber the ideal! o3 'ourse! is the natural lubri'ation o3 a really 5ui'y oman. t/s a really )ood idea not to )o inside a oman until she is )ood and et. But some omen don/t lubri'ate that mu'h! even i3 they are su*er turned on! so in that s'enario s*it is still )ood. he *roblem is that s*it has )erms in it and 'ould 'ause irritations and in3e'tion in the lady/s va)ina! so you better tal it over ith her. She may ant to try your s*it or hers! or she may ant to use some 'ommer'ially available lubri'ant. he *roblem ith store%bou)ht lubri'ants is that some *eo*le 3eel they stin)! and they de3initely taste 3unny.
@oin) ba' to *uttin) on the rubber! you need to really lubri'ate the inside o3 it i3 it/s )oin) to 3eel )ood. 3 you have a *roblem ith s*it! maybe you have a dry mouth 3rom breathin) so hard; then ater ill do almost as ell.
no! this sounds lie a lot o3 trouble! but the *oint is that birth 'ontrol is a ne'essary bother! and a 'onsiderate man ill share the res*onsibility o3 it. he lady ill a**re'iate it! no Mrs. ?llis does.
Do let me tell you about embarrassment. Some )uys are so embarrassed about these thin)s that they ould rather 5ust 3or)et about them; loo the other ay! i3 you no hat mean! into her eyes! and 3or)et hat/s )oin) on don there. Some )uys even lose their hard they )et so embarrassed. Well! i3 you are )oin) to lose your hard you better )et over bein) embarrassed; looin) the other ay is not! re*eat! not an o*tion this season. t used to be that all e 'ared about is s'orin)! ri)ht=
Well! s'orin) isn/t )ood enou)h any more; e have to be thou)ht3ul! ind! and 'onsiderate! or e/ll s'ore on'e and then )et 'ut! and don/t mean maybe. hese this is a ne millenium! 3ellos! and this is Ameri'a! and the ord is res*onsibility! and e are talin) about res*onsibility 3or birth 'ontrol and disease *revention! and e are talin) about sharin) it 3air and s8uare. So )et out there and learn the art o3 *uttin) on those rubbers and not bein) embarrassed and )ettin) it on ith the lady o3 your 'hoi'e so that she/ll 'hoose you the ne6t time around. ou 'an do the ri)ht thin) and no you ill. @o )et them.
So s*oe Coa'h ?llis and he as ri)ht. :ubbers! *rovided they don/t 'ome o33 or brea! are the most e33e'tive 3orm o3 me'hani'al 'ontra'e*tion. n addition! they are the only e33e'tive method to *revent 'onta)ion or disease. 4n3ortunately! many men seem to have a )reat *hobia a)ainst them. @ranted! inter'ourse is more *leasant ithout them. Devertheless! that is no reason 3or the adamant re3usal o3 their use by some men. o be re)arded as a 'onsiderate lover a man must be able and illin) to use 'ondoms.
7ase'tomy
7ase'tomies are the other method o3 male birth 'ontrol. Brie3ly! a vase'tomy is a minor sur)i'al *ro'edure that taes about 1$ minutes and is usually done in a do'tor/s o33i'e under lo'al anestheti'. t 'osts about X $00. he o*eration involves the 'uttin) o3 the vas de3erens! the tube that 'arries s*erm 3rom the testi'les to the *enis. A3ter the tubes are 'ut! the loose ends are tied. n this ay the s*erm *rodu'ed by the testes are blo'ed and dissolve. he s*erm a''ounts 3or only ten *er'ent o3 a man/s 'ome! so e5a'ulation 'ontinues to o''ur. 7ase'tomies have no *roven ne)ative lon)%term e33e'ts! thou)h 'onsiderable dis'om3ort 'an o''ur 3or as lon) as a month a3ter the o*eration. Men/s lar)est 3ear about vase'tomy is that it/s a sort o3 semi%'astration that ill demas'ulinie them or orse! leave them im*otent.
7ern! a man ho eventually obtained a vase'tomy! told me o3 his doubts& as 3orty%three years old and had to 'hildren. am divor'ed and over the last 3ive years had been thinin) o3 )ettin) a vase'tomy! but someho as a3raid that it ould tae aay my se6uality.
ne thin) as a3raid about is that omen ould thin me less se6y or that it ould have some ind o3 lon)%term e33e't. had heard that there ere sus*e'ted 'ir'ulation and heart *roblems. But hat really orried me as the loss o3 se6uality. What eventually 'aused me to )et the o*eration is that as involved in a 'ou*le o3 unanted *re)nan'ies and de'ided that never a)ain anted to *arti'i*ate in the *ain and heartbrea o3 an abortion. So ent ahead. have 3ound out that 3eel as se6y as ever and that omen/s usual rea'tion hen they 3ind out about it is one o3 )reat relie3 and a**re'iation. am really )lad that did it and have never had any re)rets. n 3a't! every so o3ten 3or)et that am sterile so 'ertainly don/t 3eel any loss o3 manhood.
:e'ently! vase'tomies are bein) reversed! thou)h the su''ess rate is about $0% $0 and the *ro'edure is e6*ensive. Considerin) all the 3a'ts about male and 3emale birth 'ontrol methods! and ho mu'h more o3 a burden the re*rodu'tive *ro'ess tends to be on the oman! it seems that hen a man loves a oman! he ould seriously 'onsider a vase'tomy as the 3orm o3 birth 'ontrol in a relationshi*! )iven that he has de'ided that he no lon)er ants to have 'hildren.
When Dot to
here are a number o3 reasons hy a3ter a dis'ussion you should not have inter'ourse&
Qhere is no birth 'ontrol available! Qhe birth 'ontrol available is not 3ully satis3a'tory Oe.).! she doesn/t trust rubbers! and you don/t trust dia*hra)ms . Qne o3 you has an in3e'tion or irritation. Qne o3 you has a S> Ose6ually transmitted disease.
3 3or some reason you de'ide not to have inter'ourse! you must not assume you 'an/t have se6. 4nless you have a disease there are a number o3 deli)ht3ul!
mutually satis3yin) alternative ays to mae love& 'unnilin)us! 3ellatio! and mutual masturbation. With the oman on her stoma'h you 'an s*ill your semen on her ba' and then )ive her a massa)e ith it. he semen ill a't as a vanishin) 'ream and be 'om*letely! odorlessly absorbed into her sin! leavin) it velvet smooth. r! she 'an eat you until you 'ome! not sallo! and then )ive you a 'hest or ba' rub ith it. n the *ast! anal inter'ourse ould have been in'luded in a list o3 alternatives to )enital inter'ourse! but no it has been determined that this 3orm o3 inter'ourse is one o3 the *rimary ays in hi'h A>S is s*read. Conse8uently! 'aution is advised re)ardin) anal inter'ourse. 3 you do de'ide to en)a)e in anal inter'ourse! you should never do so ithout a 'ondom.
his has been said a thousand times! but it bears re*eatin). he im*ortant as*e't o3 main) love is the 3ull sin 'onta't! the tenderness! the en5oyment! the e'stasies o3 or)asm. Whether this is a'hieved throu)h inter'ourse or some other means is not as im*ortant as ensurin) that both *artners are rela6ed! 3ree o3 an6iety! and there3ore o*en to the 3ullest *ossible en5oyment. he insisten'e on inter'ourse as the only valid 3orm o3 se6ual lovemain) is an obsta'le to se6ual 3ul3illment.
>isease Prevention
4nless you both have been 'elibate 3or a lon) time! venereal disease! S>! has to be 'onsidered hen you are about to mae love to a oman 3or the 3irst time. he reasons 3or tain) res*onsibility to initiate this dis'ussion are similar to the reasons 3or initiatin) the 'onversation about birth 'ontrol& She may be 'on'erned about it and relu'tant to brin) it u*. So be a )entleman and deal ith it. 3 you have her*es! it is ne'essary that you mention it! even i3 it isn/t an a'tive 'ase. Dot mentionin) it 'ould ruin the rest o3 your relationshi*! or your re*utation%%not to s*ea o3 the disastrous 'onse8uen'es o3 *assin) it on to her. 3 you don/t have her*es! then it/s im*ortant to mae sure she doesn/t either! and i3 she does! mae sure to tae *re'autions.
Q ou must ash yoursel3 thorou)hly ith soa* and ater be3ore havin) va)inal inter'ourse i3 a you have had inter'ourse ith someone else! or i3 b you have had anal inter'ourse.
Both o3 these instan'es are liely to de*osit ba'teria on your *enis that ill multi*ly and 'ould 'ause in3e'tion in your *artner. ?ven i3 you ashed on'e! you should ash be3ore inter'ourse be'ause over a *eriod o3 time! a 3e bu)s remainin) a3ter your initial ashin) 'an *roli3erate.
Q 3 a oman is *rone to bladder in3e'tions! or i3 the man is a lot heavier! she should be on to* hen havin) inter'ourse be'ause the man%above *osition tends to *ush ba'teria into her urinary tra't. n any 'ase! a oman should urinate soon a3ter inter'ourse to 3lush out ba'teria that may have been 3or'ed into her urinary tra't.
nter'ourse hen the oman is not lubri'ated 'an be dan)erous in addition to bein) un*leasant. Abrasions and lesions 'an result! hi'h are o**ortunities 3or in3e'tion.
>isease *revention and birth 'ontrol are e6tremely im*ortant issues to omen! and a man ho taes them seriously ill be )reatly a**re'iated 3or his 'on'ern. When you tae time to deal ith these *roblems! you are layin) the 3oundation 3or mutual res*e't and )reater intima'y in the relationshi*.
Chapter 1). *ills$ Chills an+ Thrills
Do that e have the doners o3 se6 behind us! e 'an )o on to its deli)hts& the s*e'ial treats and )ourmet deli'a'ies o3 thou)ht3ul and so*histi'ated se6uality.
Comin) o)ether
?veryone ho/s ever ritten about se6 has a *ersonal *re3eren'e that! in some ay or another! 3inds its ay into his or her ritin)s. Whether it be 3ellatio! anal or tantri' se6! or hat have you! a *re3eren'e ill be hi)hli)hted by the author not ne'essarily 'ons'iously. o avoid this ind o3 embarrassment! ill dis'lose in advan'e that my se6ual ne plus ultra is simultaneous or)asm! *re3erably throu)h inter'ourse.
An or)asm is a thrillin) out*ourin) o3 ener)y. he ener)eti' release o3 or)asm is *leasurable enou)h by itsel3! but hen am bein) bathed in another *erson/s out*ourin) as my on or)asm o''urs! my *leasure is syner)isti'ally multi*lied. What is )iven is returned a hundred3old! 'reatin) a diyin) maelstrom o3 'ir'ular motion! in hi'h ordinary 'ons'iousness is trans3ormed into 8uintessential! timeless *leasure. Comin) to)ether re8uires to *eo*le ho have reasonably )ood 'ontrol over their or)asm. Whoever arrives at the ed)e 3irst needs to be able to hold ba' hile the other )ets there too. Sometimes this 'an be'ome a )ame; both *artners ill hold ba' and ride the ed)e until one 'an/t ait any more. A 3riendly 'ontest 'an develo* to see ho 'an brin) the other to lose 'ontrol.
n my e6*erien'e! the best or)asms o''ur hen! a3ter 'omin) to the very ver)e! both *artners be'ome still! movin) ever so sli)htly! 5ust enou)h to stay on that ed)e 3or minutes at a time%%%then deliberately let )o! all at on'e and to)ether! ridin) the roller 'oaster to the eventual bottom. t seems that the lon)er or)asm is held ba' the better it eventually 3eels. his! in'identally! need not be only
throu)h inter'ourse. A man 'an masturbate hile he eats his *artner. She 'an masturbate or he 'an stimulate her manually hile inside her. hey 'an both masturbate hile in ea'h other/s arms! or they 'an even 'ome to)ether over the *hone or internet.
As *ointed out be3ore! not everyone en5oys simultaneous or)asms. Some *eo*le *re3er to tae turns! to en5oy their on and their *artners se*arately. mention it here as a ay o3 'on3essin) my on bias and as an additional ar)ument 3or the develo*ment o3 e5a'ulatory 'ontrol.
he Sounds o3 Love
he instin'tive thin) to do hen main) love and en5oyin) it is to mae sounds. 4n3ortunately! e tend to su**ress su'h e6hibitions o3 5oy be'ause e are to ashamed! or embarrassed! or be'ause the alls beteen our bedroom and the nei)hbors it'hen are *a*er thin. he en5oyment o3 se6 de*ends a )reat deal on lettin) )o; lettin) )o o3 inhibitions! o3 *hysi'al tension! or movin)! talin)! and sin)in) the *raises o3 love. A se6ual *artner ho lets )o o3 his or her voi'e hen main) love 'an be e6tremely e6'itin).
When as married! my husband and made love totally 8uietly. We en5oyed it all ri)ht! but had no idea hat e ere missin). hen a3ter e divor'ed met a man ho the 3irst time he 'ame ith me! s'ared me *ra'ti'ally to death. thou)ht he as havin) a heart atta'. A3ter realied that those ere normal lovemain) sounds! and he be))ed me to mae sounds too! my se6ual e6*erien'e be'ame a hole other thin). Lie the di33eren'e beteen a sti3led little sneee and a head%'learin)! earthshain) snorter.
With some )uys! you 'an/t tell hen they are 'omin)! you 'an 5ust tell that it/s all over 3rom the ay they rela6. 3eel 'heated hen that ha**ens. At least ant to no hen he is havin) the *leasure o3 or)asm. love to be aare o3 the ay his or)asm builds and hen he lets )o. ant to be ri)ht there tain) it all in. he louder the better as 3ar as am 'on'erned.
t is a rare lu6ury! )iven ho e are usually surrounded by *eo*le! to )ive 3ull vent to the sounds o3 lovemain). But it is an in'om*arable e6*erien'e orth *ursuin). Sometime hen you 'an tae your lover to a mountain or seashore 3ar aay 3rom *eo*le! arran)e to mae love out in the o*en here you 'an let )o o3 any amount o3 noise you mi)ht 'are to mae. 3 you su''eed in lettin) )o! it may s*oil your 3uture love main) in situations here you have to sti3le your *leasure! but at least you ill no hat you are missin). And i3 you 'an/t 3ind the ind o3 o*en s*a'es /m re'ommendin)! understand that an a**ro6imately similar e33e't 'an be a'hieved in the ba' o3 a *i'u* on a Cali3ornia 3reeay under the hot starry summer ni)ht sy&
:e*orted one o3 my intervieees& My )irl3riend and ere on a double date ith this other 'ou*le. We had taled about antin) to mae love and havin) no *la'e to do it. So e a)reed to tae turns tru'in) and 3u'in). irst! e drove and they made love. We had the radio on 3ull blast listenin) to 'ountry musi' and drove don the lonely hi)hay. 3 a tru' 'ame 'lose! e sloed don or s*eeded u* so that no one 'ould really see hat as )oin) on. hen it as our turn! and they returned the 3avor. he best *art is that e 'ould hoo* and holler and mae all the noise e anted to mae. t as )reat and a little s'ary and very e6'itin). han @od 3or *i'u*s! hi)hays! 'ountry musi'! and )ood 3riends.
7ibrators
Men tend to be uneasy about vibrators. Some o3 us rea't to them as i3 they re*resented a 'hallen)e to our manhood. Why should she need or en5oy a me'hani'al devi'e hen she has my ma)ni3i'ent tool= e as! or
A'tually! it/s 8uite all ri)ht to enter into a three%ay relationshi* ith a oman and her vibrator. A tou'h o3 'om*etition 'an be a )ood thin)! and the 3a't is that some omen Onot all have a *er3e'tly easy and 3un time 'omin) ith the hel* o3 one o3 these little hel*ers hen they mi)ht 3ind it hard or im*ossible to do so ithout it. My su))estion is that you mae 3riends ith the little bu))er and brin) him into the 3amily. A vibrator 'an 'ome in mi)hty handy at that *oint in lovemain) hen you have tried everythin)! are )ettin) a 'ram*! and mi)ht be tem*ted to )ive u*. o you mind! honey'aes=
Cons'ious Con'e*tion
With all o3 this tal about se6! *eo*le o3ten 3or)et that a ma5or 3un'tion o3 se6uality is 'on'e*tion. Se6uality and the matin) ritual are an instin't%driven 3orm o3 re*rodu'tive behavior u*on hi'h e have elaborated a uni8ue human a'tivity! main) love. Love is not a *rere8uisite o3 'on'e*tion! but hen love is a 'om*onent! the se6ual e6*erien'e rea'hes an e6traordinary *ea. We had non ea'h other 3or 3ive years! and loved ea'h other be3ore e ever had se6. When e did! it as 3abulous. We both anted to have a 'hild! and hen e 3inally de'ided to and made love ithout 'ontra'e*tives! ithout 3ears! ith 'om*lete abandon! the e6*erien'e as ithout e8ual in all o3 my years o3 lovemain). ur se6uality as e6tremely *oer3ul ith ea'h other! and e usually 'ame to)ether. She usually started 'omin) and her va)inal 'ontra'tions )ot me o33! but there as alays the 'ontra'e*tive! the rubber or dia*hra)m beteen us! and the an6iety o3 *ossible *re)nan'y! hoever small.E
IBut hen e made love to mae a baby! all the obsta'les ere )one. 'ould 3eel her va)ina 'ontra'tin) and literally su'in) the or)asm out o3 me. 'ould 3eel the streamin) o3 my seed throu)h my *enis and she 'ould 3eel it s*lashin) a)ainst her 'ervi6 and bein) su'ed u* into her uterus. Both o3 us had the similar 3eelin) o3 bein) 3used into a )loin)! *ulsatin) hite ball o3 ener)y! our seet ne baby. Se6 is onder3ul but this as more than se6; it as love! *assion! and 'on'e*tion all in one. Dever to be 3or)otten.
he e6*erien'e o3 'ons'ious! lovin) 'on'e*tion! hi'h everyone deserves but very 3e have! even on'e! is one o3 the ultimate e6*ressions o3 lovemain). When a man loves a oman! this is amon) the most lovin) a'ts he 'an *er3orm! and i3 they are both made ha**y by its 'onse8uen'es! he is a lu'y man indeed.
Chapter 1,. Co--it-ent$ *rien+ship$ ealousy$ Honesty an+ !ther /ra+uate &tu+ies
So 3ar have been s*eain) about the 3undamentals o3 a ell%ordered and e33e'tive emotional li3e. Let us no dis'uss some im*ortant emotional to*i's on a more advan'ed level.
Commitment
have used the ord 'ommitment o3ten in this boo. t is a ma5or 'on'e*t in the relationshi*s beteen men and omen! and a sub5e't o3 serious 'on'ern to most men. Some men 'an/t mae 'ommitments at all; others have made one and been burned! so they are a3raid o3 )ettin) hurt a)ain. Some men thin they are 'ommitted to someone and 3ind that they are not. Some 3eel that they are not ready to settle don and are a3raid o3 )ivin) u* their 3reedom.
When e 'an/t 'ommit ourselves to a s*e'i3i' *erson! it may be that e 3eel the *erson 5ust isn/t ri)ht. his 3ear is es*e'ially stron) in men 3or hom main) a 'ommitment may mean a)reein) to *rovide 3ood! 'lothin)! housin)! trans*ortation! and all the material needs o3 a oman! *lus an indeterminate number o3 'hildren! 3or the rest o3 his li3e. n addition to all these obli)ations! he is a)reein) to never be se6ually intimate ith another oman ever a)ain. @iven the ma)nitude o3 the res*onsibilities and renun'iations! it maes sense that e ould be a3raid o3 main) a mistae by 'hoosin) someone less than *er3e't.
Women aren/t so 3ri)htened o3 main) 'ommitments be'ause hat is e6*e'ted o3 them doesn/t seem as onerous! thou)h i3 the truth be non! it may be even more onerous in the lon) run.
As see it! 'ommitment to a *rimary! li3e%lon)! intimate relationshi* is! more than anythin)! an attitude. t is today/s sin'ere intention to be holly dedi'ated to a relationshi*. his does not! hoever! im*ly that havin) made a 'ommitment! e have sealed our 3ate and never ill! in 3a't! de'ide to leave it. Commitment! in other ords! is not a ball and 'hain. t only means that e are )ivin) it everythin) e have no and sin'erely intend to 'ontinue to do so. Whether that 'ommitment does! in 3a't! 'ontinue in the 3uture de*ends on hat ha**ens.
Commitment is ne'essary 3or a lon)%term! intimate relationshi*! but it is no )uarantee o3 ha**iness and su''ess! as e shall see. he basi' statement o3 'ommitment is& love you un'onditionally; am ith you ithout reservations! and am not aitin) 3or someone better to be ith.
A lot o3 *roblems beteen men and omen are really *roblems o3 'ommitment. Let us loo at the relationshi* beteen Sara and ?ri'! ho are in an intimate! se6ual! lon)%term relationshi*%%in other ords! they are married. We assume! and they assume! that they are mutually 'ommitted. ?ri'! hoever! is listless in the relationshi*.
ne ay to understand and analye the situation is that Sara is *ossessive! and ?ri' is not! but hat may a'tually be ha**enin) is that Sara is 'ommitted to ?ri'! but ?ri' is not 'ommitted to Sara. Commitment is the issue beteen ?ri' and Sara! more than any other 'onsideration. t is o3ten di33i'ult to assess hether one *erson is 'ommitted to another be'ause *eo*le ill lie about their 'ommitments. he )uilt asso'iated ith enterin) a serious intimate relationshi* hile not really bein) 'ommitted is stron). 7ery 3e are illin) to admit their true level o3 involvement. When 'ommitment is ea ! the amount o3 'amou3la)e and mysti3i'ation Oread lyin) that )oes on 'an be sta))erin).
Commitment 'annot be en)a)ed in ithout a reasonable level o3 trust! and trust is an elusive emotion. Some *eo*le are 3oolishly trustin) and illin) to 'ommit themselves to someone hom they have non 3or a 3e days or even hours! ith *redi'table disa**ointment. thers are so sus*i'ious they 'an never really trust their *artner and! there3ore! never 3ully 'ommit themselves. Peo*le are 5usti3ied not to trust easily or 'ommit themselves ithout 'old investi)ation and
thou)ht. Women have every reason to believe that men/s interest in them is motivated by an intense need 3or se6ual and emotional nourishment! hi'h! hen *rovided! doesn/t ne'essarily tae them mu'h 3urther into 'ommitment.
Lieise! men 5usti3iably 3ear that omen/s interest in them is as a *rovider o3 *hysi'al ne'essities or emotional su**ort and that on'e a 'ommitment is se'ured! nothin) mu'h 'an be e6*e'ted in return. Both men and omen reasonably 3ear bein) tra**ed into arran)ements that threaten to be unsatis3a'tory or to e6*loit and bind them 3or the rest o3 their lives. Conse8uently! the main) o3 'ommitments is a *ro'ess re8uirin) and deservin) 'are3ul attention to *ra'ti'al and emotional issues&
A3ter Natryn and ere lovers 3or about to years! it be'ame obvious that e had to mae some de'isions. ould have been ha**y to 'ontinue as e ere! but she as )ettin) antsy. She anted to no hat she 'ould 'ount on. ther% ise! she anted to move on. She as in love ith me but anted to have 'hildren. So it as time to 3ish or 'ut bait.E
as terri3ied. irst! thou)ht! IN! 5ust 5um* in!/ so tried that! but it as no )ood. She realied as not into it. So tried to *ull out! but that didn/t or either. really loved her. We taled about hat it all meant. told her my 3ears; bein) tra**ed! not bein) ever able to loo at another oman. We taled about dishes! dia*ers! days out ith the boys and the )irls. t all seemed doable and e a)reed to a lot o3 thin)s and even rote them don. too the *lun)e! and eventually e )ot married. @ettin) married as easy on'e a)reed to 'ommit. am )lad did it! but don/t no i3 it ould have ored ithout that *eriod o3 dis'ussion.E
:elationshi* Contra't
Natryn and Ha'/s e6am*le *oints out the need 3or e6*lorin) hat the a'tual! everyday a)reements in the relationshi* are )oin) to be. Commitment is essential! but it is! as have said! only an attitude; it does not deal ith dishes! dia*ers! outside 3riendshi*s and relationshi*s and yard or. he old marria)e a)reement is only a 'ontra't by de3ault. t doesn/t say hat should ha**en i3 Natryn de'ides to )o ba' to or a3ter the babies are born. t mi)ht turn out that
he assumed that on'e the 'hildren ere born! she ould 'ut ba' on her hours at or! or 8uit! to 3o'us on 'hild rearin) and house or! hereas she has elaborate 'areer ambitions. She may have shared his assum*tions at 3irst! but later be)in to 3eel restless and dissatis3ied. oday/s relationshi*s thro all *revious assum*tions into 8uestion and re8uire a 3resh! hard loo. or instan'e&
1. Who ill do the 'ooin)! the dishes! and the houseor= 3 it is to be shared! ho ill do ho mu'h and hen= Are the a)reements made o*en 3or modi3i'ation! and ho=
2. 3 'hildren are anted! ho ill the de'ision to be'ome *re)nant be made= Who ill 3eed! dia*er! )et u* in the ni)ht= Who ill do 'hild 'are! drive the 'hildren to s'hool! to the do'tor! and so on= n hat *ro*ortion=
F.
0. Ho -u2h an+ hat kin+ of se3 +o the partners e3pe2t fro- ea2h other4 Ho ill they ask for it if they ant it an+ +e2line if they +on5t4
$. oday! even the bedro' assum*tion that marria)e is mono)amous 'an/t be taen 3or )ranted; hat ill be the assum*tions about other se6ual *artners= otal mono)amy= nly on tri*s o3 more than $00 miles= Dever ith 3riends= ay! but dont tal about it= ODot re'ommended as it re8uires lyin)
G. on/t as don/t tell or 3ull dis'losure= 3 he 3eels mildly attra'ted to her best 3riend! is he obli)ated to never mention it! or is it his duty to share all his 3eelin)s= 3 she has some small doubts or resentments! is she re8uired to tell him= r 'an she s*are hersel3 the e33ort and ee* them to hersel3 so lon) as they are minor=
Any to *eo*le 'ontem*latin) s*endin) the rest o3 their lives to)ether and brin)in) 'hildren into the orld should thin about and dis'uss all these issues be3ore main) that ultimate 'ommitment. Marria)e is su**osed to si)nal 'ommitment. n most 'ases! those ho marry intend to mae it last a li3etime. et! e no ho many su'h 'ommitments don/t or.
Many 'ou*les ho don/t marry are in 3a't more 'ommitted than some ho do. ?n)a)ements! shoers! and eddin) 'eremonies don/t ne'essarily *rodu'e lon)%term! 'ommitted relationshi*s thou)h they 'an be e33e'tive in 'ementin) them. Committed relationshi*s are the result! instead! o3 a mu'h more 'om*li'ated set o3 'ir'umstan'es; trust! se6ual and lovin) 'onne'tions! 'om*atibility! mutual sel3%interest! and orable a)reements. As traditional assum*tions be'ome obsolete! emotionally literate dis'ussions are the best avenue to establishin) better! more modern a''ords that ill satis3y both *arties. As my )ood 3riend >r >avid @eisin)er says& IA relationshi* is only as )ood as its dialo)ueE
When everythin) is said and done! a man ho loves a oman should be a )ood 3riend to her. riendshi* o3ten *re'edes 3allin) in love and eventual 'ommitment. n 3a't! marria)es beteen 3riends have an e6'e*tionally )ood 'han'e o3 bein) su''ess3ul be'ause hen they 'ome out o3 the in%love 3o)! they ill still no and lie ea'h other.
Conse8uently! noin) ho to be a )ood 3riend is an im*ortant sill 3or a man. Bein) a )ood 3riend is a sim*le 'on'e*t! but it is not alays 'lear hat a )ood 3riend is lie! hat he does and does not do. he 3olloin) are 3our rules o3 3riendshi*! hi'h have 3ound valid and use3ul. ne 'an try to be a )ood 3riend
even i3 no a)reements! or even a 'lear! mutual relationshi* e6ists. But ideally a 3riendshi* is a 'ons'ious! 'oo*erative relationshi* that involves both *eo*le e8ually. Whenever an a'8uaintan'e seems to be *ro)ressin) in the dire'tion o3 be'omin) a 3riendshi*! it/s orthhile to 3ormalie the *ro'ess by a'noled)in) it and main) 3riendshi* a)reements that ill be taen as seriously as the marria)e 'ontra't or any other 'ontra't beteen to *eo*le.
1. We a)ree to *arti'i*ate e8ually in the 3riendshi*! to or e8ually hard to ee* it alive! not to ne)le't it! and to be available hen the other needs us. 2. We a)ree to be 'om*letely truth3ul ith ea'h other. OSee honesty! belo. F. We a)ree to as 3or hat e ant! not to do anythin) e don/t ant to! and to alays be illin) to ne)otiate toard a mutually satis3a'tory 'om*romise. ". We a)ree to s*end a 'ertain amount o3 time ith ea'h other and to let ea'h other no hen our 'ommitment to the 3riendshi* eaens. 3 the amount o3 time s*ent ith ea'h other needs to be 'han)ed! e a)ree to )ive reasonable noti'e ith nurturin) and 'arin).
his all sounds very unnatural and stilted! but it needn/t be& 4sually hen 'on3li't arises beteen 3riends it is be'ause *eo*le never dis'uss their 3riendshi* assum*tions! and ould 3eel embarrassed to brin) it u* the sub5e't. But su'h dis'ussions 'an be broa'hed in a rela6ed! )ra'e3ul ay%%and the bene3its o3 doin) so! and the *erils o3 3ailin) to! ar)ue stron)ly 3or over'omin) one/s relu'tan'e.
All 3riendshi*s 'an bene3it 3rom 3aith3ul adheren'e the 3irst three rules. Point 3our determines ho e6tensive a 3riendshi* it ill be.
n a 3riendshi* the time s*ent to)ether mi)ht be a 3e hours a month or ee! hile in a marria)e all o3 the ni)hts! most o3 the evenin)s! and a lar)e *ro*ortion o3 the 3ree time mi)ht be devoted to ea'h other. o lovers may a)ree to s*end
to or three ni)hts and evenin)s and one eeend a month to)ether! but to reserve the other ni)hts and days 3or themselves and other *eo*le.
n any 'ase! a)reements need to be made and 3olloed or 'han)ed by mutual 'onsent. When a)reements are not 'lear but are assumed! the relationshi* may or only i3! by lu'y a''ident! hat both *eo*le ant is reasonably similar. But hen that is not the 'ase! di33i'ulties ill develo*. nly trouble 'an result hen to *eo*le enter into a relationshi* antin) di33erent thin)s but not dis'ussin) them hile assumin) they a)ree.
or instan'e! 8uite 'ommonly *eo*le have di33erent ideas about 3idelity and mono)amy. Consider the 3olloin) e6am*le&
Several months a3ter meetin) and )oin) out 3airly steadily! Sarah dis'overs that >an Oho she nos is a terrible 3lirt has )one out ith another oman. She/s very u*set! althou)h she realies that he never a)reed to see her e6'lusively.
he *roblem is that they never dis'ussed the nature o3 their ne relationshi*. t turns out that Sarah assumed! be'ause they ere main) love! that a mono)amous a)reement had been sealed beteen them. >an never a'tually sa it that ay.
Another im*ortant as*e't o3 3riendshi* is that it is o3ten 'onsidered a se'ond% 'lass relationshi* hen 'om*ared to e6'lusive! intimate 'ommitments. Conse8uently! it is assumed that a 3riendshi* ill tae a ba' seat hen one o3 the to *eo*le )ets more seriously involved%%that is! se6ually involved ith a *otential lon)%term *artner. >is'ountin) the im*ortan'e o3 3riendshi*s ith res*e't to so%'alled *rimary relationshi*s is a mistae! in my o*inion. @ood 3riendshi*s o3ten last lon)er and 'an he 5ust as valuable as! i3 not more so than! I*rimary!E se6ual relationshi*s. n any 'ase! they are invaluable ad5un'ts to
*rimary relationshi*s. *rovidin) balan'e! relie3! and su**ort that add to the stren)th o3 'ommitted relationshi*s.
3 a 3riendshi* is to be serious! it has to be )iven 3irst%'lass status re)ardless o3 other develo*ments in one/s love li3e. n times o3 di33i'ulty ith my *artner! 3riends have hel*ed 'lari3y hat as doin) ron)! have )iven me moral su**ort! have *rovided 'omi' relie3! have listened to my 'om*laints ithout tain) sides! or taen sides hen needed! have taen my mind o33 my troubles! have taen me to the movies! and have let me slee* over. n ha**y times they have enri'hed my li3e ith their *resen'e and *oints o3 vie! have 'ooed meals! done 'hild 'are! )ossi*ed! )iven me advi'e and ased 3or advi'e about their on troubles! )one on tri*s and 'elebrated li3e ith me. But this has been the 'ase be'ause tae my 3riendshi*s as seriously as tae my 'ommitted relationshi*s and ould never rele)ate them to se'ond *la'e; nor ould a''e*t bein) a 3riend to someone ho ould treat my 3riendshi* in that manner.
Bein) truth3ul is! in my o*inion! the only 'hoi'e in a relationshi* that means to be lon)%lastin)! intimate! and 'ommitted. Lies are the sin)le most 'orrosive in3luen'e u*on relationshi*s%%des*ite *o*ular son)s and hal3%baed advi'e about little hite lies. @ranted! the truth is sometimes hard to tae. But the truth is less *ain3ul u* 3ront than hen it 'omes out a3ter months or years o3 a''umulated! 'om*ounded lies.
ruth3ulness is the basis 3or trust; ithout it a relationshi* is lie a house o3 'ards! ready to 'olla*se at the 3irst revelation o3 dishonesty. When trust is destroyed in a relationshi*! hat remains 'an only be a shado o3 its 3ormer sel3.
:e)ardin) lies o3 omission! men have a tenden'y not to say hatever they thin a oman on/t lie to hear! out o3 a 3alse sense o3 )entlemanly 'ourtesy. But omen! es*e'ially today/s omen! don/t have to be handled ith id )loves. hey aren/t vi'tims needin) to be res'ued.
Some ar)ue that 'om*lete honesty is unne'essarily 'ruel. Why )ratuitously hurt my i3e by tellin) her everythin)=E
he reason is to 3old. irst every lie that is told needs to be remembered and shielded 3rom dis'losure. Lies 'om*ound themselves and eventually tae u* a substantial *art o3 a *ersons 'ons'iousness so that in the end the *erson has to virtually lead a double mental li3e. Womens intuition is not a myth Oo3 'ourse men are intuitive too and a man hose mind is distra'ted by his on entan)led lies ill ee* a oman on ed)e and 'onstantly sus*i'ious.
Se'ond. While hite lies may ee* thin)s *ea'e3ul 3rom day to day! many relationshi*s 3all a*art hen thin)s that ere 'on'ealed 'ome out into the o*en.
3 Mathe tells Sara he thins her 3riend Hean is *retty! then assures her that she is the oman he ants to be ith! Sara 'an reasonably be e6*e'ted to )et over hatever inse'urity this tri))ers 3or her. But i3 he is attra'ted to Hean and denies his attra'tion hen Sara ass! and then Sara 'omes a'ross a short story Mathe has ritten 3or his ritin) 'lass ith a se6y heroine ho loos and a'ts 5ust lie Hean! Sara ill be'ome very sus*i'ious and 5ealous.
She may at'h him 3rom then on and be'ome 'onvin'ed he is 3aithless and be an)ry ithout even noin) hy. By the time she 3inally tells him o3 her sus*i'ions! a )reat deal o3 dama)e 'ould already have been done& she has sto**ed trustin) him! and sensin) her 'han)e o3 heart! he has be)un to 3eel 'riti'ied and unloved. A 3leetin) attra'tion that 'ould easily have been admitted to! and then 3or)otten ends u* soin) the seeds o3 dissolution. his is hy honesty and o*en dis'losure are so im*ortant.
ver the years as es*oused my *re3eren'e 3or radi'al honesty the most 3re8uent ob5e'tion hear is that honesty 'an be and o3ten is a subtle 3orm o3 'ruelty hi'h has nothin) to re'ommend it. 3 'ourse it is true that one 'an use IhonestyE as a method o3 *unishin) *eo*le e are an)ry about. Ane even i3 e are not an)ry e 'an be honest in a thou)htless ay that overloos *eo*les vulnerabilities. My res*onse to those ob5e'tions are& ne! i3 you are an)ry ith someone! honesty re8uires that you a'noled)e that 3a't ay be3ore you de'ide to be honest at a more detailed level. o& honesty does not im*ly rudeness or la' o3 'onsideration. When e are about to be honest about somethin) that mi)ht hurt another *erson e need to as 3*or *ermission to be honest and then do it in a thou)ht3ul! em*atheti' and lovin) ay. nly then ill honesty or its ma)i'! and ma)i' it is hen it 'omes to main) relationshi*s or.
i)urin) out What you Want and Asin) 3or t
alin) strai)ht is the o**osite o3 lyin) by omission. Bein) truth3ul in'ludes sayin) hat one ants and ho one 3eels. Asin) 3or hat one ants is es*e'ially im*ortant 3or men. raditionally! men and omen e6*e'ted that she ould no and )ive hat he anted ithout his havin) to as. his e6*e'tation 'an be disastrous ith a modern oman. She ill ait until he ass; he ill not as and ill sul hen she doesn/t 'ome a'ross. Serious misunderstandin)s 'an start in that manner! and there is only one solution; men have to learn to as 3or hat they ant.
Dot ee*in) se'rets also im*lies that *eo*le ill be e6*e'ted to be o*enly Othou)h lovin)ly 'riti'al. no that this advi'e 3lies in the 3a'e o3 hat e are tau)ht about the relationshi*s beteen the se6es. But omen Oand men are a )reat deal sturdier than myth 'redits them. n the lon) run! today/s omen *re3er to hear the truth. So men ill be doin) everyone a 3avor by sayin) even the hard thin)s that they are s'ared to say or the thin)s they on/t say to *reserve a sense o3 roman'e or to maintain 'ontrol. A relationshi* based on honesty and truth is! ithout any 8uestion! stron)er and more en5oyable than one riddled ith evasions and hal3%truths. As /ve mentioned! *eo*le ho ar)ue a)ainst the value o3 'om*lete honesty in relationshi*s are o3ten a3raid o3 the 'ruelty that is *ossible under the )uise o3 honesty. rue! a 'ruel *erson 'an use honesty sel3ishly and insensitively! but my e6*erien'e is that in the hands o3 su'h a *erson lies are even more hurt3ul than the truth! so that! in the end! honesty is best.
Healousy
he rules o3 'ommitment a**ear to demand that e 3ind everythin) e need in one *erson. But it is unrealisti' to e6*e't that any one *erson 'an 3ul3ill all o3 our needs. Su'h e6*e'tations are o3ten res*onsible 3or the eventual breadon o3 our 'ommitments and ultimately the 3ailure o3 relationshi*s. A modern oman is liely to have other interests than her *artner. She may rub elbos and be 3riends ith! *erha*s even have dee* lon) lastin) relationshi*s ith other men. Men mi)ht 3ind themselves 3a'ed ith intense 5ealousy.
A *ossessive man! said one oman 3riend o3 mine! is the ultimate dra). he moment )et the 3eelin) a man is )oin) to try and on me! lose interest! 'om*letely. don/t 'are i3 he is dreamboat number one! ri'h! sensitive! hatever. see a *ossessive man! and run the other ay as 3ast as 'an. ant to be loved! not oned. am not interested in havin) a bun'h o3 di33erent lovers! but am even less interested in havin) a bi) s8uishy man han)in) on me.
Healousy! the )reen%eyed monster! is a mu'h%3eared! mu'h%misunderstood emotion. Some believe! that 5ealousy is an unorthy emotion to be su**ressed in an evolved human bein). Some *eo*le 'laim not to be 5ealous! but dis'over that this belie3 3alls a*art hen *ut to a serious test. Some are *roud o3 their stron) 5ealousy! hi'h they believe to be eviden'e o3 their e8ually stron) love.
here are! as 3ar as 'an tell! to ma5or situations that *rovoe 5ealousy in *eo*le. ne 3orm o3 5ealousy has to do ith love and the other has to do ith 'ontrol.
Control Healousy
When 5ealousy has to do ith *ossessiveness! it is 'onne'ted to *rimitive! territorial instin'ts. he desire that some *eo*le have to de3ine their *ro*erty and to e6er'ise 'ontrol over it mani3ests itsel3 ith their se6ual *artners in the 3orm o3 5ealousy. n 3eelin) this ind o3 5ealousy! e don/t 'onsider the other *erson/s
emotional needs; e sim*ly are unillin) to a''e*t the loss o3 'ontrol over an ob5e't e on. We may not even love or 'are about the *erson but e 3eel *oer3ully about 'ontrollin) her anyay. We may ourselves be involved other lovers! but e re)ard that *erson as ours.
ur 'ulture and es*e'ially its son)s 'onstantly rein3or'es the e6*erien'e o3 5ealousy. Bein) 5ealous is not )enerally 'onsidered a *roblem; in 3a't! it is thou)ht to be a si)n o3 ho mu'h e love the *eo*le e are 5ealous about and ho *assionately e 3eel about losin) them. n 3a't! *eo*le ho su33er 'ontrol 5ealousy are 'ontrolled by their need to *ossess and have *oer over another *erson. When seen in this li)ht! it/s di33i'ult to re)ard 5ealousy as a *ositive emotion orthy o3 bein) asso'iated ith love. When su'h motives lead to 5ealousy e need to tae res*onsibility 3or themand not vi'timie our *artners ith them.
>e3i'it Healousy
A se'ond 3orm o3 5ealousy has to do ith a sense o3 un3air e6'han)e. When *eo*le enter into relationshi*s ith ea'h other! they 8uite naturally o33er ea'h other love! nurturan'e! su**ort! *hysi'al and material bene3its! all ithout *arti'ularly dis'ussin) the terms o3 the e6'han)e but assumin)! or ho*in)! that the e6'han)e ill be a 3air one. But 3airness does not ne'essarily 3ollo. A3ter the initial 3lurry o3 romanti' e6'itement! thin)s settle don to a *attern that is o3ten not e8uitable.
Mary and 2ohn. Mary listens to everythin) Hohn says hile Hohn tends to stare
blanly hen she s*eas to him. When Hohn is si'! Mary dro*s everythin) to tae 'are o3 him! hereas hen Mary is si'! Hohn seems in'a*able o3 anythin) but the most 'ursory hel*3ul )estures.
Mary 'onstantly tou'hes! 'aresses! and 'uddles Hohn! hereas Hohn neither shos a**re'iation 3or nor re'i*ro'ates these 3avors. 3 one is illin) to loo at the relationshi* as an e6'han)e o3 a variety o3 needs! one mi)ht dis'over that Mary *rovides Hohn ith nurturin)! home%'ooed meals! house'leanin)! and )enital%se6ual outlet! hile Hohn *rovides Mary ith a *ay'he'! *rote'tion 3rom *hysi'al atta'! )arden or! and set'hy sensual%se6ual outlet. his may be a
'ray 8uilt o3 una'noled)ed e6'han)es and needs! but it is an arran)ement that someho 'arries them both throu)h their daily li3e to)ether.
Do! let us say that Hohn taes some o3 hat is *art o3 that e6'han)e! ithdras it 3rom the relationshi* and )ives it to somebody else. At the o33i'e and a3ter or hours! he no s*ends time ith! smiles at! and nurtures Hane.
Healousy Mana)ement
When a an loves a oman he needs to relate in an emotionally lterate manner. hat is to say he needs to learn to no his on emotions their intensity and 'auses as ell as her emotions intensity and 'auses. n addition he needs to no ho o mana)e is emoion so that the bene3it rather han harm te relationshi*
he )ut%ren'hin) 3eelin) that 5ealousy 'an be and the an)er and *ain asso'iated ith it are a )ood o**ortunity to *ra'ti'e emotional litera'y. Mana)ement! in this sense! does not re3er to the su**ression or dis'ountin) o3 emotions but to the re'o)nition! validation and a''ountin) o3 them.
Healousy mana)ement re8uires the 'onvi'tion that emotions are an im*ortant *art o3 ourselves to be honored and 'onsidered. et e also need to remember that they 'an be destru'tive! o*erate a)ainst our better 5ud)ment! and 'auses us to do thin)s e don/t ant to do. Healousy mana)ement! hen su''ess3ul! has a side e33e't. t o3ten leads to mana)ement o3 other emotions lie an)er! )uilt! or 3ear! as ell as 5oy! love and ho*e. >ealin) ith 5ealousy is *art and *ar'el o3 the lar)er a'tivity o3 emotional litera'y.
>ealin) ith 5ealousy re8uires that hen e 3eel it! e s*ea o3 it. 3 5ealousy threatens to overhelm us! )ood emotional mana)ement re8uires that e 'ontrol our im*ulses to a''use! atta'! or mae a s'ene! and that! instead! e determine its sour'e. When 3eelin) 5ealousy! the 3irst tas is to determine hether it/s 'ontrol or de3i'it 5ealousy. n order to *ra'ti'e emotional litera'y! it/s im*ortant to be able to e6*ress early on! 'andidly and ithout )uilt! the various 'ir'umstan'es in hi'h 5ealousy is aroused. A)ain! the dis'rete ste*s; a'tionV3eelin) statements validation o3 intuitions and *aranoid 3antasies are e6haustively outlined in my boo Emotional Literacy' Intelligence "ith a Heart& Su33i'e it to say here that this is an e33ort o3 the ill! a de'ision to live a''ordin) to one/s *rin'i*les o3 3airness e8uality and 3reedom! rather than at the mer'y o3 one/s emotions. t is hel*3ul here to tell onesel3 thin)s lie&
love her but she is not my *ro*erty.
3 really love her! ill trust her and sto* tryin) to 'ontrol her.
ryin) to 'ontrol her ill not mae her love me or 'ause her to )o alon) ith me.
3 she does hat ant her to me unillin)ly! she be'omes a slave.
When 'ontrol 5ealousy is e*t out o3 a relationshi*! and 5ealousy 'ontinues it *robably is 'aused by de3i'it and 'an be an a''urate inde6 o3 ho e8uitably the relationshi* is bein) 'ondu'ted. 3 it turns out that the 5ealousy e 3eel is de3i'it 5ealousy! e need to 'orre't the ine8uities that 'ause our dis'om3ort. When de3i'it 5ealousy o''urs! a)reements have to be made to 'han)e the situation so it be'omes 3air. >e3i'it 5ealousy must be a'noled)ed and dealt ith by 'han)in) ho *eo*le a't ith ea'h other; it ill not be 'hased aay by the sort o3 a't o3 ill that su))est 3or 'ontrol 5ealousy. >ealin) ith 5ealousy ill be bene3i'ial to
the relationshi* and to our develo*ment as lovin)! res*onsible! and emotionally literate men.
his dis'ussion about 5ealousy is meant to be an introdu'tion to the sub5e't o3 emotional litera'y and its im*ortan'e in the relationshi*s beteen men and omen. By no means is it im*lied that dissatis3a'tion beteen a man and a oman are alays the result o3 la' o3 'ommitment or un3airness. Plenty o3 mutually 'ommitted and eminently 3lair relationshi*s 3alter on other di33i'ulties; la' o3 understandin)! boredom in'om*atibility. But 'ommitted relationshi* 3ree o3 lies and 5ealousy is a solid 3oundation in hi'h a man and a oman 'an )ive ea'h other hat they ant and need.
57LSI57 t has orried some men that as they )ive u* their a))ressiveness! their 'om*etition! their ma'hoE tenden'ies and be'ome seet and lovin)! they ill also someho lose their male elan&
Lar)e numbers o3 men! hoever! are )oin) throu)h these 'han)es. And as e be'ome a''ustomed t ne! more *liable selves! e may be 3eelin) some em*ty. We may 3eel holloed out! someho! o3 ai thin) identi3iably male that e 'an 'all our on.
3 the many ondrous thin)s that human bein) do! only omen 'an 'arry to term and breast%3ed manind; hat e8uivalent mira'le 'an men *er3orm= 7a'illatin) beteen our 3ormer 'old! soldierly selves and our ne3ound o*en hearts! e sometimes ander hether be'omin) hat omen ant is su33i'ient to 3ul3ill our needs. 4ndeniably! the ne male 'onte6t arrants some dis'ussion. ver dinner one evenin) ased my 3riend Ha'son! What are e )oin) to do about omen/s obvious su*eriority! no that e have )iven u* ours= umb3ounded! looed at him! tryin) to understand hat he meant.
As men ho have )iven u* their ma'ho ays and are 'on'entratin) on *leasin) omen! e need also to *lease ourselves and ea'h other. We need to 3ind hat our essen'e is! and e 'an do that only ith other men! as e s*end time
