WHATMOSTMEN HAVEFORGOTTEN Cr eat eADeepI nnerChang e AndAl i g nWi t hY ourT r ueNat ur e
ByBr endanCor bet t
WHAT MOST MEN HAVE FORGOTTEN
This book is copyright 2010 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part, or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book, unless you have consent from the author Copyright © 2010 www.dhvacademy.com Brendan Corbett All rights reserved.
DISCLAIMER The ideas and opinions throughout this book are solely of the authors, and they hold no merit to be associated with anything scientific or educational in reference to evolution and historical fact. This book is for entertainment and self-improvement purposes only.
Every man wants to feel like a man. The problem is many of us cannot say confidently how a man should be. As a result of our lost identity, we feel insecure about who we really are. We need to go back to the beginning and remember our real nature. - Brendan Corbett
CONTENTS Introduction How To Read This Book
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PART ONE: HOW MAN USED TO BE 1.1 Evolution Versus Creation 1.2 What Is A Real Man? 1.3 The Hunter And Provider 1.4 The Social Man 1.5 Women And Sex 1.6 The Dark Side Of Man 1.7 Thinking And Creativity 1.8 The Man As Nature Intended It
2 11 15 27 43 56 67 79
PART TWO: HOW WE LOST OUR IDENTITY 2.1 Influences And Conditioning 2.2 Evolution And Civilisation 2.3 Your Upbringing 2.4 Male Role Models 2.5 The Media 2.6 Women And Social Influence 2.7 Why You Don’t Feel Like A Man
88 90 96 103 109 117 126
PART THREE: DEFINING AN IDENTITY 3.1 Definition Of An Identity 3.2 A Man And His Every Day Attitude 3.3 A Man And His Ability For Action 3.4 A Man And His Social Pack And Family 3.5 A Man And His Sexual Nature 3.6 A Man And His Emotions 3.7 A Fully Defined Identity
133 136 142 149 159 170 179
PART FOUR: IDENTITY SHIFT 4.1 Feeling It And Ingraining It 4.2 Living It Every Day 4.3 A Final Word
190 203 208
CONTACT
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Introduction
WHAT MOST MEN HAVE FORGOTTEN
INTRODUCTION
The goal of this book is simple- to help you change at your core and give you a new definition of yourself as a real man; to not apologise for that definition; and to live it by aligning with your nature and being consistent with your identity. The purpose is to have this new identity so we can become secure and confident within ourselves. We become unshakeable and we are not so easily rattled by outside influences. We remain firm in the convictions about who we are. An identity is important for us to establish and define because…
ACTION IS NOT ENOUGH What happens to most people who go on a diet? A high percentage of them go back to their old ways. Why? Because they look in the mirror and repeat their mantra, “I am a fat person. Look at me- I’m fat”. What happens to somebody who wants to overcome shyness? They take a few steps in the right direction, but then they hit a relapse when
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Introduction they are faced with another uncomfortable situation. “I just can’t do this. It’s too difficult for me”. What happens to a guy who fears talking to the opposite sex? He approaches a few women, but inside he is always saying to himself, “She didn’t like me, I could tell. I’m just not attractive”. He then sabotages every relationship he has. All of the above are actions in the right direction, but there is something missing. Even though they are taking affirmative action and doing the right things- they keep on snapping back to their old habits.
The overweight guy will stop the diet and go back to bad foods. The shy/anxious guy will always have physical reactions. The unattractive guy will always sabotage and avoid meeting women. With each of these cases, neither of them has created a deep inner shift happening to their identity. They tend to snap back to the perceptions of themselves, which at that time ARE their identity. It is who they believe they are. Yes, they may do the actions- but only temporarily. The changes do not last. It’s like you going out and grabbing an ‘Alpha Body Language’ book. You take the advice and you walk around with your head high, taking up space, and having an “alpha walk”. But do you FEEL Alpha yet? ...And how long does it last for? What happens when you wake up in the morning and you have to REMIND yourself to go through the steps again? I am not saying that these actions do not help. There is a common law of faking it till you make it. My point is there is something else you need going on at a deeper level as well as taking action. If you always see yourself as the shy guy around others, then no amount of talking to
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Introduction people will help you. They won’t help you unless they shift your beliefs about who you are.
THE DIFFICULTIES IN CHANGING YOUR IDENTITY Our identity is the collection of beliefs about who we are. We go through our childhood in trial and error until we reach a conscious point where we learn to define ourselves. We become more conscious of our feelings and emotions when things happen and how people react to us. These feelings and emotions are neurological storms. Our primitive brain has been around a lot longer than our conscious “word/logic” brain has. Intelligence probably tells you not to be shy. You even get frustrated because you KNOW you shouldn’t be that way- yet, you still are. This identity takes years of development. Or maybe it is a few INTENSE emotional experiences where you took on certain beliefs, even ones which are limiting you because of a misinterpretation. The core principle to remind you of is- to create a change; you have to change at a primitive level. This means creating feelings and sensations over logic and intelligence.
SHIFT YOUR IDENTITY AND IT ALL CLICKS By reading this book, I want to help you work on changing a huge global belief about yourself- one which, when you change it, will unlock other limiting beliefs and behaviours.
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Introduction For example, you begin to identify yourself as a man, and a lot of traits are associated to being a man. Is a man shy? (No, so you stop being shy and timid) Is a man scared of women? (No, so go and talk to them) Does a man wait for things to happen to him? (No, so be decisive and go do them) Is a man slack? (No, he is responsible, so take on responsibility)… …and it continues as a domino effect.
When you perceive yourself as a REAL MAN, you align all of your actions to hold on to that identity. The overweight guy does this. He believed he was fat, so he aligned his actions to become it (he stopped dieting). The shy guy did it. He believed people judged him in negative ways (he stopped interacting with people and stayed quiet). The unattractive guy did it. He believed no girl would ever want him or like him (he sabotaged or avoided any possible interaction) You want to align your actions towards being a man. But here is the question…
BUT WHEN DID YOU BECOME A MAN? When did you stop being a boy? When did you make the transition into becoming and feeling like a man? This is the dilemma for the modern man. He has no exact transition point. He goes along passively throughout his life. He may do things like have sex and get a job- but these are just the norm. Nobody has ever told him: You are a man. Or even worse, they did tell him he is a man- but it was done in a put down sort of way. Unfortunately, many traits of men today are ridiculed or seen as a hindrance to society and relationships. So most men think
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Introduction to themselves- Why would I want to align with that? I don’t want to be seen as “the typical male”.
THE NEED FOR AN ACTUAL SHIFT You’ve heard stories about tribes and how they handle this situation. A young boy goes into the jungle and he comes back as a man. At the right age, this has a profound effect on his inner mindset. The young boy only needed to do this once- and from that point on, the feelings of power, masculinity and strength resonate inside of him. It is associated with the role of a man Women probably have more changes in them than men to spark this feeling. When they have their periods; or when they develop breasts; or when they have sex for the first time; or when they have a baby. The mother will constantly tell her, “You are becoming a woman now”. The change from being a girl to a woman is evident. And as for boys right of passage into manhood? Our penises get bigger (for some) and our voices go deeper- that’s it. Nature has a way of conning us at times for life’s answers. But previously, our cultures will have depended on men to go out and provide for their community. They will have had to hunt or become soldiers in the military. They would have crafted and had their fathers take them out to show them the way of a man.
They were more aligned with their nature because it was required on a regular basis. The divide between men and women was established. Both genders knew their roles. Now it has reached a point where this divide has been blurred. It’s great for humanity, but it hasn’t done any good for helping a man and his identity.
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Introduction
MAKING A CHANGE THAT LASTS The tribal boy had ONE experience from which he could never return back to his old self. The gang member did something where he won’t be able to be “normal” again. The military must break the men down and initiate them into soldiers/killers. They are given markings or symbols as a reminder of their actions. After all of this- they must now align with their new identity. For permanent changes to happen to our identity we have to experience something so meaningful, so powerful, and so emotionally intense- that our primitive brains (the ones which rely on feelings to survive. For example, fight or flight, hunger, protection) require it to determine our future actions and behaviours.
The shift will never happen for you without the essential part of intense feelings and emotion being invoked.
THINKING IS NOT ENOUGH TO SHIFT Thinking is logical. I don’t believe you can actually think yourself into feeling like a man. It is there only to give you direction. The other thing about thinking is it’s a loop. You can continually go around in circles and reassess something. It never creates anything permanent- not unless an intense emotion is attached to it (which will come after an experience anyway). So we must find ways in order to feel ourselves as men. Now, this is the tricky part. I don’t see many lions roaming around our streets. Ramming a javelin stick through your cheek may be a feat of courage- but it’s not too fashionable. One defining trait of a man is his desire to test himself and push his own boundaries. Unfortunately, in our western civilisation, we are not
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Introduction equipped with the tests you would expect. Getting 150,000 points on that new X-Box game is no real test. But you don’t have to be the guy who pushes himself physically. Just because you run a marathon or win the ‘Tour De France’...it doesn’t make you more of a man than any other guy out there. We have to work with what we have got. Our nature is already inside of us, and in Part Two, I will go over what has caused us to drift away from it. But by knowing it is inside of us, then we just need a few experiences to awaken it- to align with it.
IS IT MEN VERSUS WOMEN? Before a lot of people get on their high horses- I want to point out this is not a book about being above or separate from women, nor is it undermining women. There will be references to the differences between us, and that is it. It is not a book preaching about the power of man with a ‘Men Must Rise Up!’ message for you to be a macho asshole. This book is an individual journey. It is empowering yourself with the belief that you should not apologise for your nature. We have a lot of conflicting messages going on in our world, and it’s hard to feel centred and true to ourselves without any internal conflict going on. I want you to use this book as an insight into what is at your core. It’s where most of your emotions and actions come from. It’s a starter for you into understanding all the layers underneath the “socially acceptable” version of yourself.
WHAT YOU ACHIEVE AT THE END Once you have read this book, I hope to have offered you enough reasons to shift your identity. I won’t be boring you with too much
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Introduction scientific babble or history. It will be thought-provoking ideas, along with a few things you should actively do so you can feel it.
My main concern is that you realise you cannot apologise or feel guilty for it. This is sometimes the kind of beliefs which can plague a man in today’s world. In part two, you will see why. The defining qualities of a man are known to have a dark history. It is associated with the need for power and the greed he feels to get it. It is associated with war and violence. It triggers our instincts into having to kill to protect, to deceive to get what we want, and to feed our ego over others. Just because I am writing a book about our nature, it does not mean I want to encourage these kinds of behaviours. However, I do understand they are a part of us. Just because you tame a dog, doesn’t mean you have got rid of the wolf. A dog still follows their natural instincts even though they have been conditioned to be around humans. We just have to learn how to harness these possibly destructive energies for our benefit. Also, we have to remember we are a species who have gone through a lot of conditioning. We have to know we are men living in a modern world. We don’t have to hunt anymore or provide a shelter. So what is left for us? How do you become and feel like a real man? That is what I intend to clear up throughout this book.
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How To Read Through This Book
HOW TO READ THROUGH THIS BOOK You can read through a book and then call it a day- mission accomplished. But to actually get something significant from this book, you will have to take some time into using the methods in the real world. Throughout this book are personal challenges for you to go through. They are not the kind you would expect in this kind of book. However, to shift your identity- you cannot do it through intellect alone. It requires feelings and sensations so that the changes stick. It has to hit you on a deeper level and go beyond your consciousness. It has to be on the same level where your primitive instincts lie. These instincts are the ones that you do naturally. As you read this book, you will understand what I mean by this. You don’t have to do the challenges. They are merely my suggestions on what you can try and do. If you come up with your own personal challenges, then by all means do them. You know better than I do what you hope to go for and achieve. My only hope is that you use this new identity to compel you to do whatever action it requires. The only essential requirement is that you ACTUALLY do something other than read and think. You want to get in touch with your nature. Everything you need is inside of you just waiting for you to align with, and the best way to align with it is by doing something you feel. At least this way it gets linked in with your neurology, which is essentially the same as the deep rooted level of your primitive instincts.
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How To Read Through This Book Changing your identity is a hard thing to do, especially with all the conditioning you have probably experienced over the years. Our identity is who we are. We will do our best to defend it and not change it, otherwise we run the risk of losing our sense of self. But the question is- Do you actually know who you are? If you don’t, then it breeds weak traits such is insecurity, low confidence, and low self-worth. If you don’t know who you are, then you need to define how you want to be. In this book I am defining what a real man is. We know we are men, or at least we SHOULD be men, but actually feeling like a man is a whole different matter. By the end of this book, I want you to confidently call yourself a man. I know it sounds cheesy and a bit cliché- but I have observed that many of us have not had any transition from being a boy into a man. The “right of passage” to our manhood never happened. So we can gravitate to all of the wrong definitions- ones which have been given to us by all of the wrong sources. I believe you know how you should be, and you have an idea of what a real man is. My hope is to give you enough confidence to align with this identity, including the deep nature that lies underneath all of the current conditioning which pulls us in different directions. Align with the identity of a man and our nature- and it will radiate out into everything you do. Read this book; take action with the identity defined- and you won’t go far wrong.
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PART ONE How Man Used To Be Part One defines our primitive nature as it was in the beginning. This way we get to understand some of our actions and behaviours in today’s world. We learn our true nature and instincts.
Evolution Versus Creation
CHAPTER 1.1 EVOLUTION VERSUS CREATION You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks like He rushed it. - Bill Hicks I don’t know your beliefs or where you stand on evolution versus creation. One of the biggest debates in the world revolves around the creation of the life and the universe. We can find proof of evolution through all the fossils and found artefacts, but you can also argue- What made it all happen? The debate about evolution and creation doesn’t interest me. To me it all appears to go around in circles with more theories and more ideas being added and questioned. It would be a waste of time. So, for the sake of this book, I am going to ignore the idea of creation in terms of religious beliefs and all that goes with them, and focus all of my attention on EVOLUTION. I apologise if this theory contradicts your beliefs, but I intend on using evolution as a way of illustrating how man has progressed and adapted over time. I want to illustrate man’s natural instincts and look at how we interacted and developed over time. I do this because it teaches us a 2
Evolution Versus Creation valuable
lesson
in
what
goes
on
at
a
deeper
level.
NO SCIENCE, BIOLOGY OR HISTORICAL TIMELINES Before I continue though, I must point out I am no scientist. My research is all based on documented evidence, theories, history as we know it, and my own observations. I do not concern myself too much with science and archaeology because we are never truly sure of our history. There are too many questions and blank spaces. Whenever a discovery is made, it’s not long after it that another one is found, which then shifts our idea of the time scale back a few thousand years. So I chose not to pry too much into the science and history of evolution. I was wading in waters way too deep. I’m not concerned about every individual culture’s history. All I wanted was a general idea which made sense to me and was possible to work with. I’m sure most of you will be glad to know this is not another book going into detail about the physical structure and biology of humans.
We just want the essential qualities of our instincts and nature.
THE THEORY OF CREATION I don’t believe in God (shock horror). It’s a blunt statement, but I want you to understand the belief I am coming from. This is not written to make any converts, and I’m not even hinting at starting a debate into which religions are right and which are wrong.
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Evolution Versus Creation I want to state where I stand on this matter because I DO believe there is a SOURCE which keeps everything evolving and working in order. Maybe it’s not a perfect order since man tampered with it all, but if you look on a global and universal scale- such as the way in which everything in life, including the formation of the planets sun and stars, then begin to notice it is truly amazing and yet so difficult to comprehend. If you ask me how I exist today, I would say it is a consequence of evolution. You can look at our biology and physical characteristics and notice the differences over time. But I also believe that same source (or life force) which allows me to interact with the world and ‘feel alive’ is what allows it all to keep going. Where did that source come from? It’s the infamous question, so obviously I’m not at liberty to say. I just have faith it exists because I see it all around me on a daily basis. I don’t pay any attention to religion because I believe they are man made. Don’t get me wrong, I respect religions, but to me it is all different interpretations of the same source which I believe in anyway. This is the last you will hear of God, religions and creation throughout this book. Even though the theory of creation is tied in with evolution, I don’t think it will be useful for the aim of this book, which is to identify the nature of man- not as a special creation, but as an evolved species.
There is a source (or life force) which keeps everything going. You can call it God if you wish, but the main principle is to elaborate on the idea of evolution so that we can understand our true nature and instincts.
THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION All of the top scientists and archaeologists are constantly in search for new evidence to show our history. And there is an abundance of
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Evolution Versus Creation history to support that TIME far exceeds the creation of man. We are simply a spec which came along and developed into who we are today. We were not born complete. Thousands of years ago, we did not come out of the womb with the ability to think and speak. Even now we are still born prematurely. Due to the evolution of our expanding intelligence, the head is too big to fit through the birth canal, so we have to be born before we exceed a certain size. This results in us coming out and spending months learning the skills to walking, talking and interacting with the world. You won’t see much of this in the animal world. A newborn animal in the wild often learns the ability to walk in a matter of hours or days- not weeks and months. It has to otherwise the predators orbiting will come snatch it up.
It’s natural selection- the strong and quick learners surpass the weak. So what is the theory of evolution?
OUR ONCE EVERYDAY EXISTENCE Let’s relate to it in terms of man. We did not have the skills we have today. We did not have the luxury of the civilised world we have now. Look at health. Imagine having to travel through unknown territory and coming across a poisonous spider. You don’t know it’s lurking around there, so you end up getting bitten. Nowadays you can get rushed to hospital and given some anti-venom. But one bite in those days, and that’s it- you’re dead. We soon learned an INSTINCT to be apprehensive about spiders and snakes. It’s hard to think life could have been so fragile. Even women faced possible death through childbirth, and that was still even happening in the 1800’s. That’s not so long ago when you think about it.
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Evolution Versus Creation
A PAUSE FOR THOUGHT… Even though childbirth became difficult and often life-threatening, did that stop men and women from trying to reproduce? Hell no. They probably humped like bunny rabbits in every bush around. If we had stopped having sex, then we wouldn’t be around today. Our human species would have stopped. But this proves to us an underlying nature. We have an unconscious instinct which is at the root of all species- the desire to carry on our genes, even when death could be a constant risk. Life is fragile for every species. If a mother doesn’t protect her eggs out in the wild, a predator will come and whisk them away before they even hatch. If the prey doesn’t run faster than the predator on a certain day- it’s dead. A wildebeest could be eating by the wrong river at the wrong time, and then it’s eaten alive by an alligator hiding beneath the surface.
This is the main key to evolution… SURVIVAL Every living species has an instinct to survive and prolong death. However, some species are not always equipped with the ability to defend. In this case, they learn how to hide/disguise themselves or to run like hell- evolving stronger back legs to propel away from danger.
THE BRUTALITY OF NATURE Nature can be seen as cruel. We can look at nature programs and see a herd of lions preying on the defenceless gazelle. It tries to escape and it gets caught. It’s slammed down onto the ground and eaten alive. Graphic? No doubt. And we often feel sorry for the gazelle being killed for a healthy snack. But this quote defines it best:
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Evolution Versus Creation Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows that it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows that it must out run the slowest gazelle or it will starve. It does not matter whether you are a lion or gazelle. When the sun comes up…you had better be running. We feel sympathy for the gazelle or any other animal when they are taken down in this way. But you could also feel the same way when you see a pride of lions with baby cubs starving under the trees. Something inside of you just wants to help, but it’s not something a Happy Meal from McDonalds can sort out. And isn’t this the survival instinct which causes the majority of crime? Some man needs to eat, so he steals some food. A guy can’t pay his way and buy amenities, so he breaks in or mugs somebody for their money. A guy saw his wife cheating and destroying what he had, so he goes and beats up (or kills) the man she cheated with. Somebody’s social status is at stake, so they threaten or blackmail people involved and protecting their status. I am not justifying the behaviour by any means. I am purely making an observation to point out survival instincts in the modern world. The bottom line is man had to go through this reality where life could end at any moment. To ensure life lasted as long as possible, we had to EVOLVE and ADAPT by learning new skills. Our anatomy changed to compensate for the environments and climates we faced. Instinctively, we felt aggression to be protective of what was ours. Instinctively, we felt compulsions to survive. I’m sure you have heard the theory of man evolving from apes. If that’s the case, then you can picture how we used to be at our most basic. It’s a big leap of the imagination to visualise us reaching the level
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Evolution Versus Creation of sophistication we are at today, but nevertheless, it is one we went through. Now, I want to point something else out to you…
THE LAYERS OF OUR BRAIN So what happened to all of these old instincts of ours? I highly doubt we were reset every time we were born. If so, we would constantly be entering the unknown terrains without being apprehensive about spiders. We would not be turned away by certain smells and visual stimulus. I use spiders as an example because they are a common fear to us even today. We don’t know why they are, yet most people have a gut reaction to spiders. Where does it come from? You may never have seen a spider in your life. Paul D. Maclean suggested a concept concerning our TRIUNE BRAIN. To simplify it, imagine the brain in layers. Throughout our evolution, our brains have been ADDED ON TO as we have developed. This means that the previous instincts are still evident within us- but not as This is the point I am going to elaborate on throughout PART ONE. I want you to think about all of the learning man has experienced throughout time. Think about the traits man will have needed to have in order to survive. Think about the kinds of challenges man will have had to go through and adapt to. All of these things come together to form our nature and instincts. Imagine the anger you feel when somebody is trying to take your girl or chatting her up. Imagine the ‘fight or flight’ you feel to lash out when somebody backs you up in a corner. Imagine the protective nature you feel when somebody close to you is being hurt. Imagine the gut attraction and lack of control you sometimes feel for the girl who exhibits all the right qualities.
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Evolution Versus Creation We don’t live by the same “survival rules” anymore, but by looking at how our instinctive drives ensured our survival in the past, and how they became innate- we can become subjective to our emotional triggers and develop more control. We can also use these traits and instincts right now when we align with them and understand them. Survival in today’s world maybe different from being in the wild, but success still relies on the same characteristics. So now, let’s go deeper into our nature and observe the characteristics which separated the weak from the strong, the leaders from the followers, and the survivors from the prey.
Our instincts and nature do not go away. The parts of the brain which learnt them are still just another layer deep inside us. We have come from the most basic and primitive species, to the sophisticated intelligence we are today. To reach this stage we have needed to adapt. This is what made us survive and expand.
CONCLUSION Which ever theory you buy in to- it still involves nature playing a part. The key for any living thing has been survival, even plants. In the animal kingdom life is still very fragile, and this was once our reality. Our greatest asset to our success and survival has been our ability to adapt and create. We then developed social strategies so that we could prolong our overall lifespan and expand as a species. Believing in evolution and the TRIUNE brain theories, we begin to approach our nature by learning how we once were.
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Evolution Versus Creation Life and death was a competition, and throughout time man has relied on his instinctive nature to come out on top. Today, this may be seen in a negative way, but it still inside of every man. The natural drives which made a man successful during primitive times can still be applied today.
Instead of achieving survival success, we achieve today’s perception of success- money, leadership, relationships, social status, freedom…and all of the other ideas of what makes a man successful.
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What Is A Real Man?
CHAPTER 1.2 WHAT IS A REAL MAN? I don’t want this to be a book where I give you a list of traits and say: Me: Look, there you go. This is how to be a man- Now go and be it. I want to go deeper than that. I want to define what man’s natural state was from the beginning. This is where our whole nature stems from, and at some level- we still feel it. Clearly there had to be some instinct in knowing how to survive, especially in the circumstances man had to endure. We’ve had to go through climate changes and an ice age. On top of that we had to be naked during those times, so we had to try building clothes when we lost most of our hair. We had to defend against predators which wanted to kill us for a tasty snack. We didn’t have any houses- we had to build them from scratch. To start a relationship and sex, we couldn’t even talk and communicate- so how did they all happen?
LETTING NATURE TAKE IT’S COURSE Man wasn’t shown how to do all of the above. He wasn’t given any manuals- he just had to learn it and get on with it instinctively. So clearly some instincts have been hard-wired into us and coincide with our drives to replenish our hunger, have sex and protect our territory.
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What Is A Real Man? If you have never read ‘The Hundredth Monkey’, then I suggest you go out and get it. The book writes about how scientists had observed monkeys out in the wild. They gave the monkeys sweet potatoes (not a euphemism, but actual potatoes) and obviously some of them dropped them into the sand. The monkeys ate them, but with distaste as they were covered in sand. Then one day, an 18-month-old monkey washed the potatoes in a nearby stream and washed her sweet potato. She then taught other monkeys how to do it. 99 monkeys successfully learnt how to wash their sweet potatoes. But then, as soon as the 100th monkey learnt it- suddenly almost every monkey on the island washed their sweet potatoes before eating them. It was a collective consciousness as they learnt a new behaviour. It even spread across 500 miles away as scientists observed other colonies of monkeys washing their sweet potatoes. I believe this could be a plausible theory for every species, including man. How else could we collectively learn similar behaviours- even though we may be thousands of miles away? Let’s face it- a bird never goes to flying school, and a spider never goes to spider-web school. You never see ducks reading diagrams of how to fly in formation, or when birds realise it is time to emigrate or a calendar for when bears should hibernate. They do it all instinctively.
We have been clouded by a lot of confusion about what it is to be a real man, so we find it difficult to align ourselves with these instincts.
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What Is A Real Man?
BASIC EVOLUTION Throughout time we have entered phases/stages of our development. As our brains have developed, so have our cognitive functions: things like memory, spatial awareness, logical thinking. I am not too concerned with these cognitive developments and how they could possibly differ from women (part of our species) and other animals. I am more concerned with the nature behind it and the traits we have inherited as we have progressed. I’ll give you a brief description here of developments I’m covering in Part One:
Hunter/Gatherer: We had to hunt so we could eat. We had to develop clothes for warmth and then shelter for at least some kind of comfort- So what did man have to be like in order to be a successful hunter?
Social Development: From hunting and travelling in small packs, we built larger communities and began to settle around areas rich in resources- So how did this new dynamic train man to interact with others and become civilised?
Women And Sex: Women and sex have always been a part of our nature. But with the new social dynamics and raising children to survive, man had to adapt to sexual behaviours within a society- So how did man create a family and relate with women?
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What Is A Real Man?
A Man’s Dark Traits: Man has received a very negative stereotype. He is known to be violent, aggressive, and greedy- So just what is the dark side of a man and his emotions?
Creativity And Intelligence: Man has far exceeded any other animal on this earth. He managed it through the evolution of his intellect and creative skills- So what does thinking do for a man today?
HAVE AN OPEN MIND They all come together and define our instincts and nature as a species who SURVIVE. You have to keep an open mind as you read this part because it is very different to the world as we know it today. If you are approaching this book with ‘evolution’ as your main theory as I suggested, then you have to remind yourself this evolution has happened over millions of years. The modern human is only a blip on the radar in terms of the millions of years. Just because your calendar says 2010- don’t buy into that false belief. Plenty went on before they changed it from B.C to A.D. So read through the rest of ‘Part One’ and try to grasp the instincts we have inside of us. Ones which man has always had without any real need to learn them- we just feel it and it’s instinctive.
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The Hunter And Provider
CHAPTER 1.3 THE HUNTER AND PROVIDER Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted. - Tyler Durden, Fight Club All the food you could possibly want is probably just down your street. You can get it by one-click ordering on the internet, or telling your missus to go with the kids while you watch your weekend sports. Health and medical advancements are not the only things which have excelled in the past century. We have another luxury and convenience called retail and shopping. We have everything packed neatly on shelves for us to come in and take our pick. If you want some meat for your Sunday dinner, you don’t even have to farm the animals- they’re stored in freezers for you to hand over your cash. I can’t imagine many obese people throughout our history. But for us food is too easy and accessible. That’s why we have an abundance of overweight people in our culture. Back in the days where food was scarce, being overweight was seen as a sign of wealth. It was more the kings and rulers of countries that got to chow down as much as possible. Look at the consistency of times we eat per day. We can be sat in our office, head over to the vending machine, whip out a few choc-choc bars and sit down eating for half an hour. Or you go to a local café on your 15
The Hunter And Provider shopping trip and grab yourself a meal which is even cooked for you. Are you in a hurry? Pop in a microwave meal for a few minutes and enjoy as you sit down to your favourite programme. This is the reality of our culture (particularly the Western). Our generation has been raised with this type of wining and dining. To us, it’s the norm.
HOW THINGS USED TO BE It’s hard to appreciate something when you can get it so freely and easily. Getting food is a simple task for us. I suppose it has to be. The world has speeded up and we have other priorities to be worried aboutlike how do we fix that damn Windows Vista error we caused last week. I’m being a bit tongue-in-cheek. But put yourself into a scenario where getting food was necessary for your survival.
No food Starvation Death
You couldn’t pop down to your local food market. You had to travel around for hours, even days, in search for some food- all whilst burning essential calories which need to be replenished. If you didn’t find any, you had to wake up early in search for it again. There is no way out of it. You couldn’t ring up the local takeaway and ask for a triple deluxe pizza just because you haven’t eaten for a few days. Throughout this book you will be required to use your imagination so you get in touch with these instincts. So ask yourself, in this situation
What would you be willing to do if you had no access to food?
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The Hunter And Provider Imagine what behaviours this would drive you to do. Imagine how driven you would be to get the food, even if it is defended by predators.
ILLUSTRATING SURVIVAL There have been a few films on the concept of survival. The first one which springs to mind is ‘Castaway’. In the beginning he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t hunt, he didn’t know where to go, and he had nobody to show him. It took him a while to even learn how to fish with a spear. The only thing he could rely on was vegetation and coconuts. I doubt you would go into a fancy restaurant and say: You: Yes, I’ll have the coconut please with a side order of grass. It probably wouldn’t be satisfying to eat, nor would it be substantial. But when it is all you have- your primitive instincts tell you to suck it up and eat. An even more extreme example is the film ‘Alive’. This was about a rugby team crashing in the Andes Mountains. You wouldn’t expect to see much grass or coconuts in the snowy mountain tops. They had rations of chocolate to be handed out just to keep them going, but that can only last so long with such a huge group. Next, they had no choice but to eat those who died in the plane crash. Yes, my friends, Cannibalism. Cannibalism is a bit sick and twisted to some people. In the film, some of them wouldn’t even eat the bodies on the grounds it contradicts their religious beliefs.
A moral question for youWould you eat their bodies in that situation?
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The Hunter And Provider From an observers point of view the idea is ludicrous. But if you were actually in the situation with no local Pizza Hut around any nearby cliff tops- it’s amazing how your primitive nature convinces you to do it. Even if you knew you couldn’t possibly do it, you would end up convincing yourself to risk your life heading up through the mountains to look for some help. You would risk dying to survive rather than stay there waiting. ‘Interview With A Vampire’ – Louis did not want to kill people in order to eat. So he scrounged for rats, even though he hated it. ‘G I Jane’ – After an intense physical workout for hours, they were given bins full of leftovers and scraps to dive in to. They all scrambled for it with their hands and ate as much as they could. They didn’t care if it was the ‘crème de la crème’ or it had been dumped into a bin. All they cared about was eating.
When our primitive nature is being tested- we do whatever it takes.
THE IMPORTANT POINT I’M MAKING These are just films, so why did I have to resort to using them as examples? For the simple reason that I believe anybody reading this will not have experienced a personal account of needing to survive to such extremes And I used these examples because they hold some valuable truthsOnes which relate back to the idea of the TRIUNE BRAIN still being triggered. Think about the mental processes these people go through. First of all, they consciously rationalise their situation. This is our ‘neocortex’ (fancy word) kicking in- our newly evolved layer along with cognitive functions. It’s our modern higher-functioning ability to think and weigh
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The Hunter And Provider up the odds, even to a point where we reject the idea because of moral beliefs.
This part of our evolution allows us to make a choice. Even though you are hungry you can still reject the idea of eating what is on offer. Eventually, if it goes on long enough, your survival is starting to be questioned. You start getting physical responses in your body- our primitive instincts are telling us to do something about it. Now all of a sudden that ass cheek looks pretty damn tasty.
THIS WAS HOW WE LIVED
I’m illustrating the point that this was an everyday occurrence. While man evolved, these are the kinds of situations which had to be faced. And I want to remind you of the question to constantly be asking yourself as you read this book-
What TRAITS would be required to succeed and survive? It’s a big stretch of the imagination to think about it. Death was often the flip of the coin for your actions. A group could be settled down near 19
The Hunter And Provider a river, only to realise the animals and fish have moved on. Now there is no more food. They then had to pack up and travel through unknown territory in search for a new place to settle. They didn’t know what was around the corner or what terrain they would have to face. The travelling required decisions. Should they continue in search for somewhere else? Or take a risk and settle in a location in hope of some food nearby? The men of the group realised they also had a family to provide for. Not only did they have the pressure of feeding themselves to live, but they also had to collect enough in order to feed a whole family. He couldn’t just pack up and leave like most men can nowadays. If they ventured out alone- they wouldn’t survive, and their instincts were to remain among a pack. Man had to take on RESPONSIBILITY. This was their prime focus for their day. Their choices were not ‘Which DVD do I watch tonight?’ These were real life or death consequences. Good job they didn’t have much of an ability to think otherwise they would have driven themselves crazy. One truth is: They didn’t piss and moan about it.
HOW WE WENT BEYOND HUNTING I’ll share with you a brief history lesson on how man surpassed the constant need to hunt or relying only on animals dying of natural causes and left over’s from the predators.
INTELLIGENCE TO DEVELOP TOOLS AND WEAPONS Man’s intelligence was evolving. It was an asset which held them above all of the other mammals. When they started to settle, they began building and using tools for shelter. They could learn to craft out wood and build huts.
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The Hunter And Provider When man came across most of the predators, it was highly unlikely they could take them on with their bare hands. Other animals had evolved all kinds of things such as teeth and venom as their defences. Even their sheer size could be intimidating. Man had to use his intelligence and learn how to develop traps and pierce the animal from a distance. But they couldn’t keep on moving whenever the sources of food ran out. Animals were also on the move. It wasn’t realistic to rely purely on the hunt. If they settled in a bad climate, then plants would not grow for prolonged seasons. I don’t think man was much of a traveller anyway. Collectively, they realised travelling caused more chaos because they never knew where they would end up. Man soon learnt that settling was the way to go. When they found a good spot, they set up camp and lived there. They only travelled if they needed to. Men would go certain distances in search for meat and vegetation and then bring back the food to their groups. So they had to devise something in order to keep food as a constant source…
ENTER- AGRICULTURE AND FARMING. Rather than being dependant on nature bringing along the goods by chance, man began to produce their own food. They collected plants and began sewing and harvesting them. Now they had a continuous source of food and they could settle permanently through farming. I won’t bore you with the extra details. The point is- man would have had to continue to hunt if they did not evolve INTELLIGENCE to create these things. They learnt to develop and adapt to their environment. This was the beginning of us learning how to create a civilisation. As I said in the introduction- no species ever goes to nature school. We did not have the intelligence we have today. Our hunting abilities relied solely on our primitive instincts. We couldn’t catch the TV special, ‘Learn How To Hunt Using Only A Twig And Peanut Butter’.
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The Hunter And Provider If you believe in the TRIUNE BRAIN theory, then you believe these instincts are innate. They had to be! It is the same natural instinct which compels you to overthrow your conscious thinking so that you SURVIVE and do whatever it takes. You may be wondering to yourself now, if you were thrown into the wild- Would you instantly pick up the skill to hunt? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t. Hunting is a learned skill. However, the compulsion behind it to actually go out for the kill would be. You wouldn’t sit around waiting for food to come to you. You would be active and driven! Most men do not feel these sensations nowadays. However, we also have to remember most of the men will have died. All it took was for them to eat the wrong berries, or not cook the meat properly and slowly deteriorate through illness. It was trial and error. So now comes the harsh part and a reality check…
WHAT TRAITS MADE THE BEST HUNTERS? I know what you are thinking. You won’t be hunting any time soon, so why have you read this chapter? In the Eastern world they have a belief system to LEARN FROM YOUR ANCESTORS- and that is exactly what we are doing here. I’m starting out on the most basic of our nature. This is what we have evolved from. With evolution comes the theory of NATURAL SELECTION. This means only the strongest survive. That doesn’t necessarily mean in terms of strength- but also mentally and emotionally. To put it simply, the dumbass who went up to stroke the lion while it was eating? He won’t be passing on his genes. At least we hope not.
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The Hunter And Provider When you look at nature, you notice death happens all of the time. Nature doesn’t have any sympathy. It can even be a simple case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now in order for this to have some use for you, you have to consider what it takes to be one of those who survive. You could argue it will be the one who stays out of harms way and keeps himself to himself. However, if he did- how would he eat? How would he reproduce? How would he become part of the social structure? In order for you to relate this book to today’s world- start associating the word SURVIVAL with SUCCESS. We are not faced with life or death situations, however, the traits which ensured survival are closely related to success. You will see what I mean as you read on.
You may not be hunting, but it is important to think about the mentality behind these actions.
TRAITS FOR SURVIVAL AND HUNTING Don’t get it twisted. This isn’t things like being handy with a spear. It’s the mentality behind it which a man needed in order to survive. Paint yourself the scene. There is nothing to eat, and it’s getting dark. Somebody has to man up and get in some food for the rest of the group. What kind of man will it take to go and do it? A few traits would be…
1. Courage To Embrace The Unknown A man may not have been in a certain area before. Without him knowing, he could be creeping up on a pride of lions protecting their baby cubs. But if nobody ventured into the unknown areas, they wouldn’t be able to explore what the area has to offer. Courage to explore was a key to survival. They had to have the balls to take risks and venture into places they were unsure about.
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The Hunter And Provider 2. Being Able To Confront Intimidation Do you ever see the alpha wolf backing down from a fight? It was quite possible to face situations where you had no chance of winning. Still, if you ran away from every encounter and opportunity to get foodyou wouldn’t get anything. It’s the characteristic of being able to control the ‘Fight or Flight’ response. The alpha of any species are alpha’s because they do not back down. That’s how they keep their territory and their position in the pack. As soon as they walk away- they show weakness. I’ll explain this more in Chapter 3: The Dark Side Of Man
3. Knowing When To Be Smart Animals lock horns without a second thought (or even a first one), but they still hesitate and flee if they are outnumbered. Being brave can often be called being stupid when it’s done wrong. This wouldn’t be a game. It would be a real death threatening situation. Man developed the ability to be smart by creating traps and weapons. Without them, they always had to rely on leftovers and animals dying of natural causes. It was luck. Being smart let them have control- and now look at what we can have available for us today.
CONCLUSION Language, communication and intelligence would not have been developed in these early days (or it was very minimal), so survival depended on having these traits to hunt successfully. And not only did the men who exhibited these traits survive, but they also became leaders- and they were the ones who eventually gained the most power and control. Success in the hunting game relied on being the man who could go out and get things done.
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The Hunter And Provider It’s not so different in today’s world. The man who is the go-getter and faces anything intimidating gets the most success- whether it is in terms of money, business, girls, social status... He goes out and strikes up business deals; approaches the girl he wants across the bar; he takes up that tango class he always wanted to do; he gets up on stage and speaks out to an audience, and all the other types of action you class as necessary to succeed. The similarity is evident in terms of traits and nature, even though the comparison is thousands of years ago. The only difference is the definition of success and survival. If these traits were essential for our survival success in those times, and they are still apparent in today’s world- then it is clearly in our best interest to get back in touch with it. Only nowadays (as you will see in Part Two) we’ve been shifted away from it. Over the next few chapters you will see more evidence of a man’s nature playing out in primitive times and continuing on through to today. This is the identity we are working towards- Being the man who survived, and who can continue surviving today.
CHALLENGE #1: THE HUNTERS DIET This book is an initiation. You wouldn’t shift your identity purely through knowledge. If you could, I’m sure you would have already. What you need are experiences you can feel. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Live only on ‘food of the land’ for a week. Fruits, vegetables, rice, potatoes, chicken etc. And try to only drink water as much as possible. 2) Sleep on your floor instead of your bed throughout this week. 25
The Hunter And Provider
I grant you this isn’t a conventional challenge you get in an improvement book. The aim of it is to help you feel how your instincts kick in, similar to what man had to go through back in the day. How long can you last? The challenge is to give you a chance to try minimal living. It’s nothing too extreme, just a taster. When we get too comfortable we lose our drive. We don’t feel like we have to do anything. Yet we have a natural drive within us when it is tested. The first part is to restrict your diet. You won’t starve- there is plenty of fruit and vegetables around. It is only a substitute instead of reaching for your favourite microwave meal, takeaways, chocolate. Also, you have to stick to water as your drink- the natural form of drinking. The second part is another comfort breaker. It’s simple, but it’s amazing how much we can depend on our beds or requiring comfort to sleep. It’s your chance to notice how your feelings change. Are you the type to cave in and think you will go back to your luxuries before the 7 days? Or will you have the mental stamina to stick through it while staying controlled and focussed? …Test yourself.
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The Social Man
CHAPTER 1.4 THE SOCIAL MAN Take an example we can all observe – cats versus dogs. Each animal has its own characteristics. We would probably define a cat as dismissive and unsociable. If you see a cat on the street, more often than not they will turn away from you. Even with their owners they can feel as though they are completely separate. With dogs, if you walk past one you can almost always expect a few barks when you pass their territory. But with their owners and pack, we can see them as loyal, loving and faithful. Both of them are household pets with owners. Yet they still remain to have different characteristics and behaviours. It’s not a simple case of the owner always being the boss. Throw them into any household- it doesn’t matter. They will more than likely succumb to their nature and treat your house as their domain/territory. A cat is not a PACK ANIMAL. It’s in its nature to survive alone. Most owners will tell you their cat often exhibits this behaviour. If the owner is sat on the sofa watching TV, it is common for the cat to walk in and go 27
The Social Man lay somewhere distant. Over time the cat may become affectionate with the owner- but they don’t rush. Dogs, on the other hand, are descended from wolves- and they are notorious for their pack mentality. With their owners they are extremely loyal. But this is why it is vitally important the owner learns to be the leader of the pack. If not, then he will always be challenged by their dogs as they try and gain a higher position in the pack- and that’s when they are the “alpha” dogs who get the control and they determine the boundaries. The unwritten rule of a pack is loyalty. You never betray your pack and you accept your role. The reason this mentality is in their nature is because it ensured their survival. They hunted in packs, ate in packs, and protected in packs. Why have I pointed this out? A cat’s nature is solitude, and even today they still act upon it. A dog is a pack animal, and they still act on it. And even though dogs have been descended and tamed from wolves- you can’t knock the pack behaviours out of them. The question to pose now is: What social structure and nature does man have?
HUMAN’S ARE PACK ANIMALS A pack, in terms of nature, is defined as the same species collecting together to form groups. When man hunted they could not do it alone. They instinctively understood the value of working in groups. If a man went into the wild now with no guns and no sharp tools- he would have no chance against the likes of bears, alligators and lions.
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The Social Man Even without language and communication to “talk it over” and discuss a formation, man began to work together- primarily for the hunt, in a similar fashion to other species. It could be due to observing other animals and realising the potential of a group, or if we are descended from apes as evolution suggests- the nature could be innate. This innateness doesn’t require any rules or being told what to do. We just FEEL it and know it unconsciously within us. In this chapter I want to go over what rules man instinctively goes by to be social and part of a pack. This is the nature which determines our social circle and our relationships, and to form these and keep these- we have had to learn certain behaviours.
HUMANS CAN BE CRUEL To us, many species out there can look cruel and brutal. You can see a lot of examples where the weak babies are left behind or even killed. You can watch the mother stay around long enough to help her baby to a certain point- then she moves on, leaving the child to fend for itself. We are in a position where we have evolved sympathy and compassion. If we see an animal or a baby suffering, we (more often than not) do our best to help. But it wasn’t always like that. I remember reading about Sparta in Ancient-Greece. It follows a military lifestyle. It started at birth for any baby born in Sparta. It’s said that the mother bathed their baby in wine. If the baby survived, it would be taken to see if it was worthy enough for military life. If not, and it was too weak- the unwanted child would be taken away and left. Even in the bible a story of killing children occurred. King Herod wanted to find Jesus, so he decided to kill every first born.
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The Social Man King Henry VIII had six wives, and he had two of them killed. This is the dark side of man, and it will be talked about in Chapter 3. A similar kind of killing though happens with lions. When a new “alpha” lion comes and takes over a pride- the first task on his agenda is to kill all the other baby cubs, just so there are no remains of the other lion’s gene pool. Even recently back in 2001, reports in the news suggested Chinese parents were neglecting their baby girls. Some were even found in tips scavenging for food. That was if they made it that far. There were a number of accounts where numerous baby girls were aborted. This could be seen as another example of trying to “naturally” select a countries population. In any case, natural selection and evolution is a funny ol’ game. But what you should take from these examples is learning our history to notice what we have been like throughout time.
We were not always compassionate and sympathetic. We were once as close to the brutal nature of killing our children like lions and neglectful mothers. Fortunately, man has evolved to where the majority of people believe in being compassionate. That is why we are at a population now of over six billion. We try to be as civilised as possible about our killing. But even so, we still have laws about punishment which condemn those who go against our rules as a pack So how does a social structure work for humans?
We were once brutal and as cold as many other species of animal. But we still instinctively followed the rules of the pack.
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The Social Man
SOCIAL STRUCTURES FOR MAN A pack works through a hierarchy. This means there is typically a leader or higher ranking positions. It forms like this with any social species, even with ants and bees. Nature doesn’t care about size- it just cares about what works. All of our military services follow rules of a hierarchy. Even the Persian army back in 550 BC used a system of ranking. Along the stretch of time, 550 BC isn’t that long ago. It’s only 2,560 years ago (in the year 2010), but I’m using this to illustrate the system of what worked. How would this work in society back in the day? It’s hard to comprehend a hierarchy for all of mankind because the population is too big. But imagine living in groups of 3-30 people who were forming a society. Man would not have been effective if they did not define a sense of hierarchy. There would have been chaos, each caving in to their nature to be the strongest in order to SURVIVE. They would have been constantly fighting over food and territory. This is why packs became effective- they learnt to share. It wouldn’t be a case of the strongest always winning and getting it all. With everybody getting something, it ensured more would survive.
BEING ON YOUR OWN AND REJECTION Staying in the pack was crucial. Being cast out on your own would mean you having to find food and shelter without any help- it was suicide. Take some examples from today’s world. How do you feel when you see somebody in a restaurant sat on their own? We automatically expect them to be waiting for somebody, right? Or if somebody comes to the cinema asking for “Just the one” ticket. Why are they on their own? Is something wrong with them?
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The Social Man Or what happens within your group of friends when one betrays the other. The friend who has been betrayed says, “STAY AWAY!” You now have an uncomfortable position between two friends. It not only affects the two people involved, but the entire group. Now, whenever you are seen with the betrayer, your friend says to you… Friend: I can’t believe you still stay around them! Take a look at how many people FEAR being rejected. Even though we LOGICALLY understand there are millions of people in this world to form social circles with- we do not like the feeling of somebody turning us down or rejecting us. It decreases our potential value and puts them above us. It’s a primitive fear and it was one we learnt to stay away from.
Risking your chances of being cast out would have you on your own- and on your own meant potential death. As a social species, we instinctively know about this system- and we still do not want to go against it. We still do not want to be separated from the pack and be an outcast. It is probably why Public Speaking is a bigger fear for most people than death. When you put yourself in such a vulnerable position to be “judged”, and you are judged negatively- your potential value automatically drops. A group of people could instantly take a disliking to you. This is a hard concept to get our heads around, which is why you cannot approach it coming from our existence today. You can logically rack your brain thinking, “Why am I so concerned about what people think of me?!” These primitive GUT feelings trigger purely for these reasons- to avoid rejection and being perceived in a low value way and giving a bad social opinion of us.
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The Social Man A SIMPLE ANALOGY… Have you ever fallen over before when nobody was around? Afterwards you think to yourself, “Thank God nobody saw that” and you can laugh about it to relieve some tension. But when you fall over in front of people- an overwhelming rush runs through you. It’s a mixture of embarrassment and feeling like you’ve “shrunk down”. You just want to curl up and die. You fell in the exact same way. The only difference which caused the rush of sensations through your body was the social aspect. THE SAME EXAMPLE, BUT NOW WITH VALUE AND STATUS… How about falling over in front of some little kid who can’t talk? Or maybe some drunken homeless guy on the street? You probably wouldn’t feel the rush as intense. You would rationalise it thinking they are below you, or they cannot “spread the word” to mock you for it. But what if you fall over in front of a group of 3-4 gorgeous looking girls? This is another case of you getting a rush of “shrinking down” because of the social consequences. You don’t even have time to think of it logically. Your body just goes into a primitive state and triggers your physical reactions. We need to accept this truth if we want to overcome it.
To be part of a pack, we had to ensure we maintain a high level of value and status and not be an outcast. These feelings manifest today in ways such as fearing rejection and looking stupid.
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The Social Man
WHO GAINED THE HIGH POSITIONS? I don’t know whether you noticed it when I mentioned the traits of a successful hunter. But one commonality for the success was:
The ability to override their natural instincts. Hell yes it would be scary taking on a ferocious predator or wandering into an unknown cave. Nobody could ever guess what the result would be. Every fibre of their being may be telling them to be cautious and hold back as fear comes closer to taking a hold of them. But to be successful they had to override these instincts. The men who could do this were the ones who were driven by other desires. The desires to be the best and feel empowered taking on something challenging compelled them to push through. Other weak members would be stood behind, hesitating until it was safe.
This is a common stereotype for A REAL MAN. A man who loves the thrill of a challenge and being the best. It can easily be misconstrued as egotistical. But when you relate it to primitive times- it was a trait for success. Overriding the natural instincts and fears was a trait of those worthy enough to be in high positions. How difficult would it be to make a decision as a leader if you always feared rejection from the group it affected? Think of a President. They have millions being affected by their decisions. A pathetic excuse for a leader would be: President: Okay, now…I’m going to raise taxes to pay for (Crowd: boooo!)…uhm. Well, I don’t have to if you don’t want. Our new education system can wait, I think. Can’t it? 34
The Social Man He is filled with so much doubt and the fear of rejection. A firm leader would make a decision regardless of what other’s thought about it. I’ll explain how this works in a later chapter because it sounds contradicting. “To be a leader and part of the pack you must reject their opinions of you”. However, what a leader needs to make these decisions whilst still causing a conflict of interests for others is RESPECT. So to be in a high position of authority and to be placed in the higher rankings- you had to override the instinctive fears of being rejected. An “alpha” wolf wouldn’t keep his position if he feared the perceptions from his pack. Beta Wolf: There he goes again, starting up another fight. He is so arrogant! Most men nowadays are infected with this kind of mentality (explained in Part Two). They may make a brilliant leader or person of high status, but their fears of what people may think of them makes them stay weak minded. However, I believe this structure to be a good thing. Not every man can be the top dog. A stereotype of all men is he wants to be the best and rule all. Personally, I think if that was the case, then we would have no packs at all. I believe a man’s nature sways more to the workings of the pack, rather than feeding his own ego.
A man can easily be content with his status, so long as he is not being overpowered or overthrown. If this is being tested, then this is where a man’s dark side triggers. In short, I don’t believe every man wants to be ALPHA. What he really wants is to know his place, continue his life with more than enough availability to resources, and not have anybody threaten what he has or take anything away from him. 35
The Social Man The key to being in a high position is having the mentality of a leader with respect. I’ve already mentioned not every man can be the top dog. He accepts his position and place. So what unwritten rules help you stay within the pack and keep your position? You have to be able to achieve this without causing any serious conflict or posing a threat.
RULES OF FAMILY AND THE PACK Your family is your immediate pack. You get yourself a girl, have kids, then they have kids- and so on, and so on, and so on… If you haven’t had a rocky relationship within your family, feel how close you are to your family and what you would do for them. Even though your bond and closeness is not evident on a daily basis- I imagine you would gladly step up if your family was in some threat or struggle. Elephants are pack animals and their family never leaves the herd. They all stay together until they die. On the other hand, lions are pack animals- yet the adult males head out to form their own packs once they reach a certain age. We are more a mixture of the two natures. We have it inside of us to want to span out and one day have our own family. Still, we do our best to keep in contact with our family. We visit as regularly as we can and keep in touch whenever possible. We never fully cut off our ties with our family. We call this LOYALTY. No man who is in touch with his nature would ever think of fully abandoning his parents and siblings. He does his best to ensure they are doing well. Even though in today’s world we have a choice, most men still decide to take this approach- because it is the bond of our pack nature.
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The Social Man As man became a successful species, our population grew. We expanded further and beyond our family circle to develop social circlesour close friends. Most people are sceptical about letting others into their social group. It takes a while for them to be accepted. It’s like they have to go through a cautionary screening process. Think of the “Introducing your girlfriend to the parents” ritual. We can have many acquaintances throughout our lives, but we always have special people who become part of our pack. In today’s world, we have a choice to be selective about this. In primitive times- you had to settle in with the group you travelled with. It would often be a collection of family packs collaborating together. In a family you had an obvious hierarchy. The father being top, the mother being a secondary leader, and then the children. As our family packs formed with others, the groups grew. We now had to define a SOCIAL HIERARCHY throughout the entire group to work as a larger unit. We had to stay within the pack and work beyond our own family hierarchy, and the ways you did this in primitive times were:
1. You don’t interrupt the pack hierarchy When a higher pack member is questioned to a point where they feel their position is being threatened- they turn aggressive. If you were constantly a nuisance to the overall productivity of a pack, you would have been forced to leave, in the same way I mentioned in the example earlier about the friends betrayal. You had to be careful on how you approached the pack. If you stirred up too much conflict- you had to go. Groups of friends still follow this instinct.
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The Social Man Think about mutinies in military terms or as it’s most commonly known on ships. When one member rises up against an authority, they had to gain the acceptance from the other members and ranks. If it wasn’t a legitimate claim- you ended up being punished for your actions and sent to a cell to await further disciplinary action. The punishment works in ways of preventing aggression, but it still has an extreme consequence for going against a hierarchy. It shows the importance of maintaining it, otherwise everybody would step up and become a threat/challenge.
2. Remain loyal to your pack. Stick to your role. Gangs are notorious for this pact. Once you are in- you are in for life. If you ever turn away, you will be killed. (Isn’t life vicious when you think about it?) Loyalty is defined as standing by your buddies. ‘Bros before hoes’ etc. in terms of a group pack or tribe, this means you play your part and role. You don’t sulk in a corner and whine about what you have to do. If you were called up to hunt- you did it. If you were told to help the womenyou did it. It also related to not taking what belonged to another man. Loyalty was a sign of respect. You would never be the type to take their woman or credit for their work. Those who abused this loyalty were kicked out and thought of as unworthy within the pack. Today it’s always frowned upon. Think about how you feel when somebody is wrongly done to.
3. You protect your pack Every man has a protective nature. If a member of your family is being threatened- without a thought, you step in to relieve the threat. It’s even common for a brother to become protective when he see’s some horny asshole coming over to his sister. He tells him to back off.
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The Social Man There may be scraps and fights within a pack, just to test out a position- but the over ruling factor is a protection. It is all a means to maintain positions of status and a level of control. Within a population of over six billion, this can become tricky. I’m assuming this is why parts of the world have different rules and punishments. In some countries you can have your arm chopped off for stealing. You can even be killed for adultery. We may be “civilised” to some extent socially in our Western culture, but it’s obvious to see our primitive nature in other parts of the world.
SOCIAL MEN BEYOND THEIR PACKS So you know how a man evolved into packs of family and social groups. They are for hierarchy positions, establishing status, and upholding these positions so there is some degree of co-operation and control.. But take a look at pack animals. Their packs are minimal. A pride of lions can come across another pack of lions- and then fight over territory. Wolves can see another wolf pack around a rich resource of food, and fight with them to take over. Tribal wars and gang wars occur all the time. Even though we are part of the same species, our loyalty to our groups/packs is dominant. We have our immediate packs. And then these packs turned into being about our similarities; then similarities into neighbourhoods; neighbourhoods into towns; towns into religions; religions into countries; countries into continents; continents into cultures… It’s an example of our packs expanding. We have had to face a number of challenges as our population grew. Also, we have had variations in our genetics. A pack often stays among those who are similar. But our difference in genetics caused differences in skin colour, sexuality and appearances.
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The Social Man A lot of ignorant people can use this as a way of instigating something. It started racism and cultural differences separating humans. Even now, it’s a theme of “East Versus West” because of religious beliefs and territory. I guess our primitive nature is still alive more than we think. However, I don’t want this to turn into a grim fact. I want to acknowledge man as a social primate. These social behaviours such as loyalty, protection and avoiding rejection/being an outcast enabled us to survive. And we used our dark side nature like aggression, manipulation and being territorial to maintain it.
CONCLUSION The point of this chapter was to depict the pack mentality and social nature of man. Man has always had a negative stereotype because of his EGO and always striving to be ALPHA. To some extent, I suppose that holds some truth. But if it was a universal trait with every man- we would have not gotten anywhere. To be a man we have to embrace our social nature and exhibit the traits of a pack mentality. This has evolved into most of us bringing out the best in our fellow man and being touched emotionally when we see other men overcoming great odds and succeeding. Those who do not align with this nature turn bitter. They separate themselves from the pack and prevent themselves from being social. They turn inwards and believe they do not need anybody. Our nature is not to overthrow anybody. Our nature started out as PACKS. Many men, for the sake of their packs, have sacrificed themselves- like diving in a freezing lake to save somebody; stopping a fight when the odds are against them... Nowadays we associate that
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The Social Man with bravery, but it is something within all of us when we align ourselves with our true nature. When you learn to inherit social characteristics and you take care of those in your pack- you are fulfilling your nature as a man.
CHALLENGE #2: SOCIAL SKILLS We are a social species. We have to stay linked and connected with other people. Forget all that spending a month in the wild to be one with nature thing. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Sacrifice for somebody else. 2) Contact somebody you haven’t talked to in a while, or make it a mission to have a new friend.
For the first part, take some action where you help somebody else and give up something of your own. It could be giving somebody homeless more money than you usually do. Or you could even go to the coffee shop, buy them a hot meal, and bring it back for them to enjoy. If not, do something for a close friend or a family member. Do something different and put them first. The second part means for you to keep in touch with somebody. Reconnect old lines of friendship. You can spend all day on facebook in touch with acquaintances and it can become easy to get distracted from other people you were once close to.
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The Social Man If you find that difficult for you to manage, strike up a conversation with somebody completely new and random. Invest in them and invite them somewhere or connect on something. Learn the value of being social. It’s an instinct we all have to keep consistent with. It’s what enabled us to be the species we are today. If we didn’t develop it- we would have died out in small numbers.
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Women And Sex
CHAPTER 1.5 WOMEN AND SEX When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting? - Bill Hicks It boggles my mind when I see so many advice columns and relationship advice relating to sexual problems. Sex is the most natural thing in the world, yet somehow we have managed to balls it all up. I think it began to happen with the invention of relationships. Our nature appears to conflict with the ideal relationship dynamics of today- that is, we are expected to be monogamous, but our biology (at least a males) tells us different. Is monogamy (staying with one partner) truly within our nature? Relationships follow a cycle. There is the initial honeymoon/loved up phase. Hormones are flying about all over the place. Then it settles down, sex slowly diminishes, quiet nights in become the norm, then one partner isn’t getting much value out of the relationship- so they move on, all within the space of a few months to a few years. Why does sex become non-existent after the loved up phase? I suggest you read ‘Sperm Wars’ for a few theories. It causes a conflict of interests between a man and a woman. If you think about it, a woman has only 12 chances a year to have a baby. A man produces millions of sperm every single day. Do the math and you will see how this creates a problem. A woman’s nature compensates for this by making her hornier during her certain time of month.
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Women And Sex Our biology doesn’t know we have contraceptives. It just believes sex numerous of times with the same person should be enough to conceive. After a few months, interest in each other sexually starts to go. Now we are left with a conditioned response of bonding and staying with the partner, even though we are probably eyeing up the sexy blonde across the room, and your girlfriend may be awfully tempted for a bit of fun with the hunk who sneakily winked at her. Divorce is constantly on the rise and infidelity is a regular occurance. Nowadays, I think even women are sacking the idea of a loving marriage lasting forever. It’s hard to know if relationships were a nurtured and accepted idea, or whether they are part of our natural cycle? I am not knocking relationships entirely. Some people can fall in love and have it being very worth while. Every culture and race may have different opinions and ways of working relationships, even to the point of arranged marriages. There is not one definite dynamic for the whole of mankind. Relationships- Easy to get in to. Hard to maintain. - Chris Rock But ask any man and he will tell you his ideal scenario, especially throughout his youth. He wants sex sex sex. Not with the same woman, but with multiple women. Was he told to believe this in school? Did his mum and dad pull him to one side on an afternoon and say… Parents: Son. You’ve reached a time in your life where your hormones are giving you too many erections to handle on your own. Here, take these condoms, go break a few hearts. No such thing! This desire was instinctive. He noticed women, his biology kicked in, now he’s on the prowl figuring out the rules of the game. (Which, might I add, would also be a natural progression without all the social consequences getting in the way)
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Women And Sex So, this chapter has one goal in mind- to define our instinctive nature in regards to women and sex.
A WOMAN’S NATURE We cannot fully understand a man’s nature without exploring the nature of a woman and understanding their primitive instincts. A woman naturally wants to develop a relationship because she has different drives. Imagine the scene…. A family pack (A mother, Father and two children) are wandering through unknown territory. A man is defined as the protector, hence why his biology has deemed him to be faster, stronger and more logical than emotional. If a predator came out from nowhere, he would make sure he kept the kids and mother protected rather than crying in a corner until the beasty goes away. But what if the man was not around? It would then be the woman and two kids having to fend off the predator all on their own. It wouldn’t have been possible. As a learned instinct, women realised one crucial factor:
To survive- I need a man. Now feminist sisters who may read this book- I hear ya. You don’t NEED a man. However, in those vigilant times- women did need a man. If it wasn’t a man, then it would be a group of women standing together to raise the children and hunt together. Women absolutely love and adore their friends. Check out a lot of girl’s online profiles, or see in their bedrooms all the photos they have of their friends. Their common line is:
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Women And Sex Girl: I love my family and friends. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today. They have helped me through so much. They understand the valuable survival factor of having a strong social circle around. This was for her to feel secure and protected. So a woman also learnt….
To survive- I need a man…and/or a strong social circle Any woman will tell you, she doesn’t like the idea of being alone. Why is that? Why does she feel it more than a man? Well, it is for the pure fact of the reasons above- protection and security. This was for the well-being of her AND her offspring. Women have a very nurturing nature due to their biology. After all, they have to give birth to the baby and help raise it inside of her for 9 months. Once the baby is born it doesn’t end there. With humans our babies are born in a very premature state. It can’t possibly survive all on its own. The woman had to stay around and continue nurturing her children until it is old and mature enough. There are always stories of a man abandoning his children and the woman he conceived them with. But it is very rarely the case where the woman feels it inside of her to leave her child. There is always a connection and bond. A woman doesn’t have the wiring to abandon her children, even though it is quite possible for it to happen. It’s a good example of the differences in nature and biology. But the main question still remains: Does a man have to stick around? And if so, does it necessarily mean they have to be together?
No woman wants to be alone, and they always do their best to have a tight-knit social circle around them with close friends and protective males.
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Women And Sex
THE ROLES IN THIS DYNAMIC A man’s role with women is to be the protector of her and the children. It also required him to be the provider. A woman could not nurture her offspring as well as go in search for food. The man had to play his part. So a woman must then stay at home looking after the children of the pack. She may often go circling around outside in search for plants and vegetables/fruit, but her main roles included the upkeep of the home along with cooking and preparing for the men for when they got home. Now it is only recently when this dynamic shifted, but it varies from different cultures. For example, the women’s roles in Japan will vary differently from the roles in Eastern Europe, or Africa, or Australia, or anywhere. It’s just our own cultures developed their own way of SURVIVAL.
IT’S ALL IN THE GENES So did man and woman have to develop a pair-bond? In the beginning, I do not think it would have been a necessity. But ever since the beginning, both men and women have been evolving- which eventually leads to developing emotions and attachment. One thing man began to learn was he had to ensure the survival success of his pack, he had to stick around and protect it in order for the long-term development of his genes. It would not have happened if the child was simply left with the mother somewhere. Maybe it is a selfish act (a theory developed by Richard Dawkins in ‘The Selfish Gene’) because a man first and foremost would be more concerned about his own offspring rather than another. This was to ensure his GENETIC survival. It’s a hard wired evolutionary drive for a man to pass on his genes, and also for a woman.
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Women And Sex If the child dies he has no way of passing on his genes. This is a coding in every species. This is the reason why lions kill the cubs of the other male. It’s genetic warfare. But the idea of staying around would have gone against the initial primitive nature, which was to copulate multiple times with any female giving off the right stimulation. They would play the numbers game and screw anything not nailed down. Or would they? This brings us back to genetic warfare. If you had sex with a female “belonging” to another male- you are ruining his chances of passing on his genes. He is going to get violent and warn you off. This could result in your own potential death or his, depending on who was the stronger and most dominant. The only solution then was to stay with one particular female to protect your genes. Then, after a while, you would go in search of another available female. This did two things. One, it allowed you to fulfil your hard-wired drive to pass on as much of your genes as possible (the same for every man), and two, ensure no other man or predator can come along and sabotage it.
Man wanted to spread his seed. But he also had to align with not sleeping with the wrong woman, and being around long enough to protect his children. A woman’s interest in sex is different because of her timeline and biology. If she had sex, it would result in a baby- which would make her pregnant for nine months. At the time of menstruation, she may want to have sex with multiple men. Her “attraction coding” would make her want to align with the strongest and most dominant.
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Women And Sex We can look at it now and think every girl who loves men fighting over her is egotistical- but on some level, she has to secretly like it because this was how she found the stronger male with the best genes.
SO WHO GOT TO HAVE SEX? There was once a time, a simpler time, when we didn’t have language. We didn’t have to go out on dates to play the “getting to know you” game. We didn’t have to impress with our fancy tastes and impressive job title. The mating game was simple. Sex during this time relied on a woman’s biology forcing her to display herself at the right time (Biology 101). It’s a fallacy nowadays when guys think they are the one doing the first move. He may do the approach in the clubs, but it is the girl who subtly hints at her being open for it who sets the scene. So who got it if 4 or 5 men were orbiting around one woman? Initially, it would have always been the stronger male. He could flick away any males attempting it with her. This is why a lot of men feel the urge to show off, especially in the presence of women as they downplay others. It was a competitive way for nature to accomplish the best genes being passed on. One, the most attractive female will get all of the attention (healthiest, prime etc)…and the strongest protector male (strong, dominant, assertive) would get the girl. The others then fell off into settling for the others. Then the evolution of bonding and long-term partners began to develop. This did away with all the constant fighting (to some extent) and it produced the success of having children, thus expanding our species. I find the psychology of attraction extremely fascinating. We have a lot of mixed messages in today’s world on what is deemed as attractive. And yet it still comes back full circle to the primitive attraction qualities.
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Women And Sex The rules may have changed slightly. For example, physical strength is now replaced with social value and status, and what constitutes as high status has shifted. But the idea of man and woman both wanting a HIGH VALUE mate holds true. Men still have an instinct to display their macho value. They love to be competitive and suppress other men around them so that they come out on top. It doesn’t come to blows, but there is an underlying edge to it.
Go back to the beginning if you want to know what is attractive. Think of a world without words. How did man show his value? and then ask yourself- How can I show my value today? These are natural BIOLOGICAL triggers. Attraction is still an instinctive response because reproduction was a factor to survival and success.
WHY DO MEN LEAVE NOWADAYS? It is just a personal theory and speculation, but I think man looks around in the modern world and realises nothing is going to happen to the mother or the child. She has everything available to her so she can survive on her own. What role can a man possibly play except offering money?
It’s evolution in reverse. Man can now slip back into the role of being promiscuous and doing the numbers game. But there are two other factors to consider for the promiscuity of man and him not feeling obliged to stay around his little creation.
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Women And Sex 1) Humans are a species who can have sex just for pleasure 2) Contraception I think a man would be a lot more careful if he felt that every time he had sex with another girl it would run the risk of another baby. Contraception prevented this from being a problem. And sex is a fun and pleasurable experience. It’s a win on all sides for the man if he can satisfy his lust for sexual pleasure AND his evolutionary drive, without any consequences! The same applies for women. They too enjoy sexual pleasure. Hell, they even evolved with a clitoris JUST for sexual ecstasy. Perhaps this was a way of gratifying her pleasures but without the risk of childbirth which could have caused death.
THE CONFUSION WITH SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS So really, in my humble opinion, pair-bonding was a learnt step on the evolutionary ladder. Rather than running the risk of the numbers game, every man collectively began to protect their sexual investment so that the success of the species (primarily their own genes) would grow. If another man tried copping off with his girl just to satisfy the hardwired drive, he would be warned off with a violent threat. So the monogamous nature within him had to be tamed, yet still prime. Man was like any other animal- he was designed to be monogamous. But then, as I mentioned earlier, we started to evolve emotions which in turn created emotional bonds.
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Women And Sex Emotional bonds are what began to cause the confusion between sex and relationships, but throughout time relationships and sex became linked. Even religions stated not to have sex unless a permanent bond such as marriage had taken place. Who knows, maybe one of the apostles had a bad break-up and saw his ex sleeping with Judas up in the Garden of Eden and thought, “Right. We’ll soon sort THAT out!”? The bitter bitter man. Seriously though, relationships and sex became tied together. Maybe it was actually a created step to ensure a full family bond as emotions developed. Because the result of sex often ended up in pregnancy. There was also the need for a male figure in the development of the child. Because of our conscious awareness and emotions, we learned from the world and those around us. So, if a child was consciously aware by copying his mother- he would be conditioned with feminine qualities. The same applies to a girl. It’s no surprise that if a girl was raised by a father and two brothers then she is going to have masculine qualities. Remember, back then there was no such thing as contraception. Man could have given into his nature and sprouted babies up everywhere, leaving numerous women with babies. Now, we feel we can go back to our primitive behaviours because the consequences are no longer imminent. But it has created a problem for young men. They have no real role models. Even if they have a father around, our social conditioning has weakened any masculine presence because of the dark nature of man. So once again, you can see how this can confuse your identity and prevent you from feeling secure within yourself.
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Women And Sex
CLEARING UP THE CONFUSION There have been a few back-and-forth theories thrown at you in this chapter, so it is my responsibility now to clear things up. Thing is, I can’t just say to you: Me: Right guys, go out and start having more sexy time. Live out your nature and be REAL men. Shag any girl you see and don’t apologise for it! That would be wrong. There are a lot of aspects to consider before venturing down that road. Over time a lot of factors have entered as we have evolved. At this point, man has a deep drive to have sex with many women, and he also learnt to protect his pack to ensure the continuity of his genes. Once he feels they are protected, he believes he has no more potential with the woman unless the personal bond is strong. His job is done- Next! However, conditioning and consciousness have made us aware of the potential risks and dynamics. We try to focus on relationships and maintaining family units than giving in to multiple sexual partners. BUT NOW...sex is used for pleasure and we have contraception to enjoy sex without the need to establish relationships and families. AND WOMEN…they are also just as confused about what to do. They have the biology and psyche to need a man around for long-term, and their social conditioning still plays a big role- but they too enjoy sex and feeling liberated. I tried my best to clear up the confusion, but it’s bloody hard. It’s enough to make your head spin.
How can a man overcome this conflict and still align with his nature?
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Women And Sex I will clear it up for you fully before you finish reading this book.
CONCLUSION I didn’t want this chapter to be about ‘men versus women’ or defining stereotypical roles. Nor was it to be about how to attract a woman by being a real man because I have written a book about that already (called Improv Interactions – A Guy’s Guide to Building Social Value). It was meant to discuss sex. Our desire for it is pretty much what most would say defines a man! Sex is the most natural thing in the world, yet it has been complicated over time. Most women can say to us “Be a real man”, but we’ve already established a real man as wanting to have sex and move on. Doing that would cause tears and heartache. When you look at sex and our nature, it perfectly illustrates how man has had to tame his own nature. This has obviously resulted in human’s being as successful as they are- but in today’s world, is it really necessary to still be cautious, ESPECIALLY after all the advancements? Everything goes against this biological function of ours. But when it is done right and responsibly- a man can find a balance to make it work, and he will naturally know how to interact with a woman without being overbearing and dominant.
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Women And Sex
CHALLENGE #3: A SEXUAL MAN We can feel apprehensive approaching women. To be honest, that’s not the best response by a man. The idea of being allowed to want a woman and initiate something sexual has been twisted… THE CHALLENGE: 1) Approach a woman with ‘A Real Man’ Identity and mindset. 2) No Porn/Masturbation for a week.
You are a man, and you should be able to approach/strike up a conversation with a woman quite easily. You have nothing to fear apart from the negative perceptions the media always plague us with. If you felt like a man you would trust your nature is well equipped with to handle any woman. If it isn’t, then I seriously don’t know how we ever got this far as a species. The second part is a sexual diet, but only of the cyber/selfsatisfaction variety. It’s too easy and accessible to knock one out and feel relieved. If you didn’t have that available to you, your natural drive (in the same way as it is for food) will urge you to go out and do something about it, which coincides perfectly with the first part of the challenge.
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The Dark Side Of Man
CHAPTER 1.6 THE DARK SIDE OF MAN You want to be a real man? Well, here is the vital part of our nature, and coincidently the hardest part to align with. So what is your dark side? It is all the negative traits associated with the role of a man. I should have asked a girl to write this chapter for me because they will have a better observation about our negative traits. It’s the inner compulsions we have triggered to make us aggressive, cheat, deceive, manipulate, be dominant, and step on everybody who gets in our way. In a simple definition- he is only out for himself, his greed makes him intolerable, and he has asshole qualities. Man has a stereotypical dark side. He can be seen as the brutes of nature. He can create wars; kill innocent animals for materials; get violent and aggressive...and the list goes on. With a feminine nature these thoughts and actions may never cross your mind. A feminine nature gravitates towards being more peaceful. But is this necessarily down to common sense, or is it their way of survival? Women have to do their best to keep close and connected socially. If they ever stirred up conflict or became aggressive then it would affect their social status and valuable protection. As well as this, their biology and wiring are to comfort and nurture a child. So either way, their nature is designed for survival by keeping the peace. It’s a different means, but the same end.
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The Dark Side Of Man We can knock our dark side, especially in today’s world where we feel it holds no place. “Can’t we all just get along?” But I believe this to be another conflict between our initial “animal like” nature and our evolution to becoming a social species and working together. Our primitive nature would have given us a drive to survive. This means we would have needed the most resources. When we feared scarcity, we would have had to FIGHT and DEFEND what was ours. We also had to ATTACK to gain resources. We couldn’t just pack up our bags and say: Man: Ah, sorry mate. I didn’t see you there. It’s okay, you can have this water hole. We’ll just move on. Waterfall is this way right? …200 miles you say? It’s the sign of a “weak” man. You would not be able to gather any resources with this kind of attitude. Initially we had to be aggressive and greedy- it was for our survival. Go back to the hunting chapter and relate this dark side to our inner drive. Even though we can frame it as our dark side, it still had its purpose to help us get what we needed. It’s a grim and sad fact, but nevertheless it is part of humanity. Even when we began to form social groups and a sense of hierarchy- this innate drive would have been triggered throughout our lifetime.
We needed resources to survive. And whenever we felt our resources being threatened, we HAD to do whatever it took to defend them. Put it this way- think about how angry you feel if the next door neighbour’s tree was over hanging the top of your garden. That anger just rises out of you, and for what reason? Territory! If there is a nuisance neighbour constantly being noisy and disturbing you- you get angry and you want to get it under control. 57
The Dark Side Of Man These are just a few examples of how our instincts manifest. As we developed our social groups we learned and evolved to define boundaries and respect them. However, this still doesn’t stop our primitive TRIUNE brain kicking in.
TRAITS OF OUR DARK SIDE Our dark side revolves around any trait which riles up intense negative emotions. When these are triggered you can act on them by using aggression, violence, and a firm word. You feel it requires harsh action to lay down your boundaries. Why does this happen? Why do we get aggressive first? The answer is simply because it is what was in us from the beginning. Now we are able to rationalise logically and calm our negative emotions, but the capability for language and rational thinking evolved afterwards. The instinctive reactions were first of all physical. So let’s say a man comes over while you were away from the bar and you see him chatting up your girl. What are your immediate thoughts? More than likely they will be manifesting some surge of aggression. It’s also labelled as jealousy, but jealousy is just another emotion of us feeling what we have is being threatened. What are the motivations behind war? Often they are down to territory; a clash of beliefs; feeling threatened or having to protect; or spanning out to get more resources. It was only 70 years ago when the Second World War began. Some reasons it started was because Germany was gaining too much power over Europe and England felt threatened by it, and there were treaties between countries like Poland and Belgium for England to protect them. The protection can be seen as a secretly selfish way to gain allies. Look at the situation we are now facing with the war in Afghanistan. It was framed as us invading a country to diminish its threat. Yet a lot of
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The Dark Side Of Man people believe it is down to the abundance of resources over there like oil.
Whatever way you look at it, war is a global manifestation of our dark side. It doesn’t even matter if we are the same species and trying to establish “the greater good of mankind”. Nature doesn’t care about that. All that matters is survival, and it’s every pack for them selves. And when you are structured into a country and given it as part of your identity, or a religion, or a cause, or an ethnicity- you assume that to be your “pack”. To put it simply, the traits of our dark side usually involve aggression and manipulation. It has many motives to spark these kinds of reactions, and some men can abuse this nature. They can easily become greedy and do un-just actions to gain more resources. They can take advantage of those weaker than them and assert their dominance through manipulating fear and perception of power. But even though this is the nature of our dark side and it is seen as extremely negative, we have to recall how things used to be for us. You cannot fully get rid of this dark side- all you can do is tame it. Otherwise you would be constantly knocking heads and affirming what is yours.
Our dark side ensured we had resources and nobody could take them from us. Aggression is the most common trait associated with our dark side, and that is because it was our first instinctive response.
WHEN OUR DARK SIDE IS POSITIVE The desire for more- Is it really a bad thing? Ask any businessman and he will probably say HELL NO.
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The Dark Side Of Man If he was the type who didn’t want more, then he would probably still be stuck in an office earning pittance for a wage. But instead, he harnessed his nature. And even there, he has to “wage war”. Whenever he is making a business deal or negotiation, he cannot be the type to back down. He has to use his skills in order to do everything to AVOID aggression, whilst gaining more resources. He will usually do this by trying to devise a win-win situation for all parties. Another situation is when we see something un-just happening and we are able to do something about it. Prime examples are when your pack is being threatened. Damn right you are going to feel anger and torment. What kind of man would you be if you didn’t? Every sportsman has a desire to be the best! To be the best he has to push himself through competition over other men. Competition is a positive way to harness the nature of a man. You wouldn’t be a very good sportsman if you constantly thought to yourself: Sporty Person: Fourth? I can live with that. If he tries his best and pushes himself, and he still lets himself downhe is going to be distraught about it. He may not take losing very well. He may do the man thing and go into his cave to reflect, and some may say to him “It’s just a race”. But to him, it’s gone against his nature of excelling himself. In this environment, the nature of a man is worthy of respect and applause. We congratulate those who have surpassed every other man, even though there are still losers.
This is what the drive of a man is all about- wanting to be the best and always wanting more. Sports and Business are two playing fields which allow a man to live out his nature. And as you can see, both include the concepts of “waging war” and overstepping other men, whether it is a team sport or a negotiation.
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The Dark Side Of Man Competition is a healthy release for a man. But on the outside world, competition can force you to be sneaky. If you want to take the heavyweight crown off of the World #1 Boxer- you go kick some ass, get it, and expect a round of applause and an abundance of respect. You go and seduce that gorgeous girl at the bar and take her away from her man- you are a pig. At times the dark side of our nature is called for, so long as it is harnessed in the right way like it is in Business and Sports. If it isn’t, then yes- we could quite easily hurt somebody or even kill when the right buttons are pushed. It forces us to manipulate, sabotage and steal- and that is where your dark side and drive will make others look down at you rather than respect you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting more, as long as you remain respectful and do it graciously by excelling yourself, and not resorting to getting it by unfair means.
HAVING NO DARK SIDE EQUALS WEAKNESS We may frown upon anger, violence and dominance. But at times it is certainly needed- even to establish yourself as a man. This is probably what a lot of men lack. Rules and laws try and give severe consequences to the act of caving in to your dark side, which is why a man has a battle inside of himself. He wants to feel enraged and let loose. He wants to affirm his position. But doing so could cause him to take actions which make him lose complete control. Ignoring your dark side is, in a sense, ignoring your very nature. Every man needs a bit of aggression inside of him. And there have been many negative connotations to your dark side. You will be labelled as petty, selfish, greedy, possessive, cruel, arrogant…all kinds of things get thrown at you. 61
The Dark Side Of Man Let me ask you thisWhat if you were always a man who backs down? If you never felt riled up or those intense emotions, you would always be handing out to everybody. Sometimes situations demand that you stand your ground and not back down. It all requires finding a balance where you are not fearful of your dark side- you know how to harness it and use it to your advantage. It will be a blend of both masculine and feminine qualities. If you have always been the type of man to step down just to avoid conflict, or you choose to be weak with your girlfriend by doing everything she wants- to the point where you always sacrificing for the sake of everybody else- then it’s time you stepped up and defended what is yours- including your sense of self and identity.
WHAT WILL WOMEN THINK OF ME? It is a concern for many men. Most women will tell you she wants a nice, sweet guy. He is nurturing and attentive. He protects her. Those are all true and valid, but only as a percentage. A weak man who is not in balance with his dark side and doesn’t respect it will gladly do everything for his girl. She will be a happy little princess, and he will feel a sense of pride knowing he is making her happy. However, she will not tell you she wants to see a bit more passion and edge in you.
A woman needs to respect a man so she can also let go and be a woman. To do so requires her to feel the presence of a real man. At times she wants to feel you being assertive. Sometimes she wants you to not be able to help yourself and you have to throw her down and
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The Dark Side Of Man have her right then and there. She wants you to tell her what you want and be firm about it. Once again it’s not a green light to take advantage of this and CONSTANTLY be in these states. The point I’m trying to make is you are allowed to embrace them- and she will respect you for it and find you even more attractive and irresistible. She finds you irresistible because it is in her nature/biology and not her choice to respond to it. When she observes the primitive traits of a dark side- instinctively her biology and emotions kick in. A man’s nature has always been to establish boundaries and then assert them. With children, nothing is more resonant to the child than the sound of their father. The same rule applies within your relationships. We all have instinctive reactions when we are in the presence of resonating energies. Just look at how weak you can sometimes feel when you are in the presence of a woman with a vibrant feminine energy. She looks so soft and vulnerable. No words even have be spoken- you just FEEL IT instinctively. Let people feel this way about you by embracing every aspect of your nature, including your dark side.
Women respect you more when you are not ashamed or apologetic for sometimes being firm and assertive. It is the sign of a real man.
IT’S NOT YOUR RIGHT TO BE CRUEL Humans in civilised cultures have evolved the feelings of sympathy and a caring nature. We frown upon anybody killing the innocent, holding people against their will…basically any kind of action which strips away a person’s humanity and rights.
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The Dark Side Of Man In some cultures and countries it is still a case of survival. They can easily kill, steal and slaughter to get what they need. They don’t even care if you are innocent; they just know you are in their way. Some men turn into violent bullies with their girlfriends. They neglect her emotions and they knock her down in any way they can to feel secure and in control. He is stepping on her in order to gain his own validation of superiority. By me talking about our dark side in this chapter, I have risked saying any acts of violence aggression and power-seeking are justified. Nothing could be further from the truth. It may have been our initial nature to have a “Dog eat dog” mentality, but we are no longer animals. We have a responsibility to abide by the rules of a pack, which means you do not react without justification If you notice somebody is not sharing when they should be, or they are not “playing by the rules” so to speak- then it is justified to step up. You will feel yourself wanting to do something about it. It would not be justified to knock somebody down just because you feel bitter about their success. I.e. they have something you do not. A real man can define the difference between when he is acting for the right reasons, and whether it is because he wants to sabotage somebody else for his own gains.
Your dark side should never be used for your own feelings of power and self-worth. A man must learn to use his assertiveness and actions in a balanced way.
CONCLUSION In ‘Part Three’ I will explain how to work on developing a balance with your dark side. It is not something we can ignore when it is so deeply rooted within us. 64
The Dark Side Of Man The world today frowns upon the nature of man. It is seen as the root of all the chaos and massacre throughout the world. It is down to greed and the desire for more power and resources. I wouldn’t even try and attempt to put the world to rights so we are all peaceful and living happily in harmony. It’s just in our nature. This chapter is to allow you to be aware of your dark side for your own personal benefit in YOUR world. It may be frowned upon, but it is the essence of what a real man is all about. A man without assertiveness is like a woman without vulnerability. Do not be the man who always backs down. Give in to your drive to want more…do your best to make it a win-win for others…and assert yourself if your resources, loved ones or way of living are being threatened.
CHALLENGE #4: YOUR DARK SIDE It’s difficult to create a challenge when all potential actions could result in death or prison. So let’s keep it simple but effective: THE CHALLENGE: 1) Get involved in some competitive sport, or even start up at the gym. 2) Find some place where you can scream and let go.
The first part of the challenge is to get your blood pumping. You have to find somewhere where you can feel your intensity on a regular basis, otherwise it just lays dormant. Going back to tribes, their involves doing some task which pushes past a boundary to transform them from a boy to a man, or for a modern example in our cultures- from a regular guy to part of the gang.
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The Dark Side Of Man Competitive sports or the gym encourage you to always be improving and pushing yourself. You have an incentive. We build up a lot of stress and it can often become explosive if we don’t find a place to release it. The second part is going to be uncomfortable for some. Whenever we feel something intense- we bite our tongue. It’s been a social etiquette. It’s like seeing the husband and wife in the street, and he has to restrain his frustration through his teeth. Go find some release. Fully let go and give a big bellow of a scream. Don’t stop till you do it five times. It’s incredible the effect it has on your physiology. It won’t force you to become an aggressive idiot. It’s just to get in touch with everything you choose to keep quiet. You should not have to constantly remain shy about your dark side. A man cannot let himself forget this aspect of his nature.
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Creativity And Thinking
CHAPTER 1.7 CREATIVITY AND THINKING So far we have established we have a nature within us which gives us the hunger for more resources; the ability to protect and kill; and the lust to have sex with an attractive/healthy/young female. Here is the kicker… If you went into the wild you would probably hesitate before you kill. The innocent deer running wild looks too cute to eat. You want the new promotion or the brilliant job which pays double your salary. Trouble is, you think you are not worthy of it and it would be too much of a change for you. You notice an attractive girl- but you immediately think about how she may reject you and make you look like an idiot in front of everybody. If we were truly in touch with our primitive nature, we would easily capitalise on these opportunities. We wouldn’t be diverted because of our mental processes. But it has been such a long time since we have had to face these situations where there was an ACTUAL pressure and purpose for them. Now we have choices and the ability to think. If you were thrown into one of these situations your thinking about it would kick in first. 67
Creativity And Thinking You may last for days not eating. Then when you reach the depths of despair- you have no choice but to hunt the deer no matter how cute you think it looks. Eating is a fundamental necessity, so we would feel the urges and be unable to ignore them. But the desire to be top dog and sleep with the attractive girl? These are just choices we probably would be able to ignore in an abundant and civilised society. We can feel okay in our position of nine to five, and we can masturbate as a substitute to sex.
We have evolved the ability to think and question our actions, but we can sometimes think too much. We are so distanced from our natural instincts. This is why you see guys nowadays struggling to be men. They feel these drives compelling them to do something, yet they can still over-think it and end up doing nothing. A real man would do whatever it takes and act on his compulsions. He wouldn’t feel bad or apologise for it. As long as he learns how to remain balanced (which I will explain later) then he can still be in touch with his nature regardless of all the mixed messages telling him otherwise. But how often do we get these compulsions? Or if we do, how easy is it to satisfy them without aligning with the natural way of doing things?
THE ABILITY TO CHOOSE It’s a good job we evolved the ability to be conscious and think about what we are doing to some extent. If we didn’t then we would still be in constant competition and giving in to our dark side. One of the defining traits about a man is his constant desire for sex. We think about it on a regular basis. Why? It’s nature of course. But if we didn’t have the mental processes to control these urges, we would
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Creativity And Thinking always be trying to sleep with another man’s girl or humping everything as we walk down the street to work.
Being conscious allows us to step back and make a choice before our impulses get the best of us. We can take it a little too far though and end up doing nothing at all! Ask yourself, what opportunities do you act upon? The drives are within us but we can still ignore them- and most of the time we do just that. That question was the reason behind this book. We could go through the motions of looking like we are making an improvement, but if you never shift the core identity behind it- the actions won’t last very long. You will snap back into your old habits.
To act as a real man, you have to believe you are one.
THINKING AND ACTION We have to separate the benefits of thinking and intelligence. You cannot think yourself up an identity. The only real way to change is tapping into our physiology: the primitive structure which gave us our instincts. If you think about a change, it only works when you get a GUT reaction to a thought. Sometimes that only needs asking the right questions. Until then, thinking can easily go around in circles. If we are always questioning our actions then we will never get around to doing anything. A man needs to learn how to harness his thoughts and be more productive with them. Maybe it’s a cultural influence, or maybe we are so lost in our ways we don’t know what the hell to do with ourselves …and that is what needs to change because it is the phase we are in now in terms of our evolution.
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Creativity And Thinking Intelligence evolved with creativity. It’s what caused us to build shelter with tools/weapons and develop social structures. It’s what made us think about simplicity and overcoming our environment to develop bridges and roads. We went through the stone-age and the iron-age because we harnessed the materials. We then created ships to travel over sea and expand beyond land. Instead of fighting as much as we used to, we started trading with social groups- we were creating cultures and being educated by others knowledge. Our dark side still made us develop armies and military for protection. We sometimes invaded others because of their resources or some other conflict. The history goes on, with each generation advancing and creating new developments. This was all down to our thinking and creativity- our LOGICAL thinking. Logic is another trait associated with a man compared to the emotional side of women. Logical thinking is what has made us develop the civilised world we live in today. Some of us advanced quicker than others, and we then used it to trade and pass on what we had for a price. So now we have big divides between the likes of first world countries and third world countries. Thinking by itself would not have created these feats of the imagination. Along with thinking, man had to take action, even at the risk of failing. Man had to endure trial and error until he accomplished what he set out to do Action is another aspect of a REAL man. Most of us nowadays look for certainty before we act. We are always fearful of being wrong or failing. Yet man has had to endure this even when there were no previous references to it ever being done or achieved! Look at what our ancestors had to go through to get us to this point in time. Without the real men stepping up and acting on their thoughts-
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Creativity And Thinking we would still be the lonesome travellers walking around with wooden huts and loin cloths as our only fashion.
YOU DON’T NEED TO BE A GENIUS The great inventions of our time were no doubt created by those who inherited genius qualities. To be a man- you don’t have to be a genius with supreme intelligence. Most of the advanced world today would have been concocted up by engineers and lab-rats, and not every man could be one. We’re riding on their coat tails as they continue to enhance our lifestyle with new technology.
I’m suggesting that genius is not an essential quality for a man. The only quality man should inherit is the ability to TAKE ACTION. We are all at different levels on the scale of intelligence, which is why I can’t possibly define great thinking and genius to be an aim for any man.
Action is what separates you from anybody who just continually thinks and talks about it. The aim is to be that guy who takes the necessary action. So have you become trapped by your thinking? Is it always convincing you NOT to act on what you feel or want? Our thinking is easily swayed by outside influences- that is if we let it. Thinking is a dominant force within our lives and we get so many messages thrown at us to think up more bullshit. You can think yourself to death! Then we get locked in this cycle of always questioning and doubting ourselves.
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Creativity And Thinking Thinking evolved within us, but it only holds the purpose of creativity, even if the creativity is just to create solutions. I believe we are at a time now where our way of life has messed up our thinking habits. We are constantly assessing something or questioning whether it is right or not. Man didn’t have this luxury. He had to just GET ON WITH IT. Bob: Hey you think that ship is going to float? Jim: I don’t know Bob. Only one way to find out! Don’t use your thinking for the wrong reasons and allow it to distract you from taking necessary action. It eventually leads to your memory triggering emotional experiences which then trigger your primitive neurology. Once that happens, it becomes increasingly difficult to go against.
CREATIVITY AND ENTERTAINMENT The front cover of this book depicts paintings and drawings on the walls of caves. It was another step in our evolution when man was developing the functions to create and communicate. With thinking comes the urge to release our thoughts and expressions out into the world. As our functions to communicate advanced, it wasn’t long till we developed the creative arts such as music, singing, stories and art. Nowadays a man can quite easily get bored with himself. Sit around for a few hours doing nothing and you’ll soon drive yourself insane.
We require mental stimulation. Thankfully we have resources to distract us like TV and music. But this level of distraction gives us the satisfaction of doing nothing. A real man was always at it (‘it’ being work). Their thirst for mental stimulation was satisfied by physical work or learning a craft. Being sat in
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Creativity And Thinking front of the TV is not a productive venture. And it’s so easy to be seduced by these cyber distractions. It’s like we are in mental-limbo and caught up with anything JUST to snap us out of our rut. …but I guess that’s evolution slowing down a bit. If you do manage to turn your attention away from the TV and computer games, then you can focus on other things like ACTUAL creation and production. It’s now an evolved part of you to live up to.
LABELLING EMOTIONS We rely on our feelings as action signals from our body. You can feel the ‘fight or flight’ response and label it as you being afraid, nervous, or even excited. When language began to develop through the course of our thinking/communication development- we had all these feelings happening, so we devised a way to communicate them to others. Paul Ekman is somebody who has studied facial expression for years. He can show pictures to a tribe, and the tribe can usually tell what emotion they are conveying. Facial expressions are very sophisticated in humans. With most animals you notice their body language and posture to assess their state of mind. But humans evolved muscles within their faces to communicate how they felt- I imagine this began before language. Not only did we label emotions, but we began to develop new ones. Nature enthusiasts always find it touching when they observe an animal exhibiting what is typically a human emotion. Grief is one usually associated with humans. Because of our conscious awareness, we began to understand the suffering others felt. This began to make us feel compassionate about such suffering. These cocktails of emotions within us are triggered in different contexts. But emotions also cause a lot of confusion for us. Sometimes
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Creativity And Thinking we just don’t know how we are really feeling at all- or why we are even feeling it. Our intellect created emotions because we understood more about what was going on. When a loved one dies, we intellectually know we may never see them again. Children do not know what happens when somebody dies. Their still developing minds cannot grasp what is happening, but they are observant of the states in those around them as they grieve and also the rituals and burials we go through. However, some cultures see death as a celebration for the person. They are moving on to a different place- a better place. The way they frame the situation defines their actions. Emotions are based on our feelings, and we have labelled them to have some kind of understanding about them logically and to communicate them to others. But they still cause confusion because of the clash between feeling them and logically labelling them. It’s hard to put words around a feeling. Emotions are just another aspect of our evolution which can cause some difficulties in aligning with our nature. You may feel certain things, like feeling BAD for being a man- because you associate a man with a negative character. But do you really feel bad? Or is that a consequence of conditioning and hearing how others have framed it? In ‘Part Three’ I will explain how to overcome these as well as your own blocks in thinking.
Emotions are physiological storms. Feelings are our primitive source, but we get confused when we try and define them logically.
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Creativity And Thinking
THINKING TOWARDS GOALS The good thing about thinking is it gives you direction, which in turn leads to goals. You read and hear stories about men accomplishing great feats because of their thinking habits. These men use it to be able to endure and survive the extremist of conditions. I remember reading a book by Wayne Dyer and how he commented on ‘The Wright Brothers’ not contemplating keeping things on the ground. Their mental direction and focus was about flying. Without the creative imagination propelled by thinking to conjure up aviation, we would still be resigned to land travel. Man can endure situations far beyond his potential because of this exact mindset and focus. He is able to imagine what could be possible and it gives him direction towards a goal. When it is used productively, our thinking excels us beyond what we ever thought possible. Some men (and women) have given us great improvements throughout our lives. Humans have been able to survive beyond what they thought were their physical limits. Just read the World Record books and see how far man is able to go. It is not just available for us to get into World Record books, it is for our everyday lives. It is something available to us because of our evolution. It is this ability to think which allows a man to divert away from his dark side and prevent his aggression from escalating, or any of his dark side traits getting out of control. The trouble is, thinking is not a part of our education. We have never been shown how to use it effectively. So as a result, we can easily become victims of it. Take lying for example. It is a learned behaviour as we observe it from our parents. Subconsciously we pick this up. If we see this is a
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Creativity And Thinking legitimate way to get away with something and avoid any negative perceptions or punishment- we can do it. It’s a question of nature versus nurture. Your thinking is more accessible to you than your nature. But, has it been nurtured in the right way. Previously, it was out of your hands. But now…it’s your turn.
CONCLUSION The top layer of our TRIUNE brain is what we have available to us now- the sophisticated ability to think and create. But in today’s world, our thinking drifts off into all kinds of different tangents. Throughout history, man has used his thinking and creativity to create the world we live in today. They made radical advancements and inventions so we can enjoy simplicity and make things easier for us to live. You do not have to be a genius to fully appreciate your thinking ability. Your only requirement would be to TAKE ACTION and be productive. We can’t even use the excuses of us having no references to prior success. Man before us never hard it. They acted upon their thoughts and look at what they achieved! A real man is one who takes this kind of action. He is a doer and gogetter. It’s not a “man thing” to do when you ride on the tail-coats of others without being productive yourself. We have to put our thinking to good use and take advantage of it. We shouldn’t waste time on it going around in loops of “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” Be a man, and start taking action. When you think of something you want in your own life- go out and get it. Don’t wait around for it.
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Creativity And Thinking
CHALLENGE #5: PRODUCTIVE THINKING Thinking is a valuable asset for us when we use it right. The sign of a real man is one who takes advantage of his thinking and acts on it, in the same way our ancestors did who created the civilised world we live n today. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Create something…anything! 2) For a week, take some REAL action towards your desires
It doesn’t matter whether you think you are skilled enough to create something. Society puts a pressure on the whole fame aspect and we expect creativity will make us a famous musician or writer etc. But it’s all bullshit. Step away from the TV and think of something you can be creative with. Draw something, even if you feel it will be no good. Write something. Make a mini-film on your phone (a serious one). Or go get an appliance for your house and fix it together. Do anything where you are putting your thinking abilities to good use. It’s a healthy habit to have, and instinctively a man enjoys doing it. That’s why we love our gadgets. We’re often the “Boys with toys”. Second part, only you can answer what action you can take. This is to stop the playback thinking loop you have going on in your head. Try and do something which burns bridges. In other words, once you have done it- there is no going back. Both are to get you in the habit of being productive with your thinking. Yes, it’s evolved or us for some survival purpose. Don’t abuse it, and don’t get slack with it.
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The Man As Nature Intended It
CHAPTER 1.8 THE MAN AS NATURE INTENDED IT Throw yourself into the wild and take away all the luxuries and easy access you have available today. After a certain amount of time you will slowly scrape away the cultural conditionings and you will reach your instinctive nature. First, you will go hungry. You’ll rummage through trees to find the equivalent of a spear. You may even get creative and devise your own traps. Then you will travel around looking for animals to find and kill. You won’t pack it in after an hour- you will be too hungry. You will carry on through the night if you have to, just to find something. Maybe you don’t know how to make fire from scratch, but some subconscious knowledge will pluck up out of nowhere and you’ll figure something out. Next, you will settle down. You’ll spend your day searching for big leaves and logs to form a shelter, and some vines to wrap around like string. Or if you’re lucky you will come across a cave. You’ll skin one of the animals and wrap it around you for the cold nights ahead- no more shopping trips to get your clothes. After a few weeks, without any social contact- you begin to feel extremely lonely and detached. You’ll start drawing faces on the wall and talking to yourself to satisfy your need for social involvement. You’ll even come across something close to resembling the shape of a head, and you will use it to have some form of dialogue
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The Man As Nature Intended It You’ll start craving for sex with a beautiful woman. You would give anything to have a gorgeous girl nearby. You’d walk up to her, and you wouldn’t even be concerned about saying the wrong thing or screwing it up. You’d have an urge and walk up with extreme confidence. It appears confident, but it is really you giving into an urge similar to hunger. You need it.
EVERYTHING BECOMES A MUST AND WORTH THE RISK In this situation nothing feels impossible to you. Whatever you have to face- you know you will overcome it and convince yourself to do it. You had no choice. You know if you didn’t then you would face potential death, and your instincts will do whatever it can to help you avoid that. You will start to feel possessive and aggressive. If you see a bear coming along about to make a kill before you do, you will scream: You: That’s mine! You wouldn’t hand it over without a fight if you knew you had to have it. Your aggression will be used to assert your authority. Whatever belongs to you, you will protect. You know full well now the fear of scarcity. If you want it, and you see it- you take it. You will push yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. You will become the real go-getter. You would be in a situation where you are forced to be the REAL MAN you should have been. You will begin to feel like a man and act like one- one who could survive and not be swayed by negative thinking.
It’s amazing what you can do when you know you HAVE to do it. You were already a social animal within a pack. You used these primitive skills of survival to work together with others and provide for
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The Man As Nature Intended It your family and the social group you were in. If anybody went against your group- you would defend it. Often there would be competition as some conflict flared up. It would be tests between men to protect their food. If another got one up over you- they would now be higher than you in status. It was up to you to fight harder in order to get it back. This was how it used to be within the wild.
BUT…YOU ARE NOT IN THE WILD Isn’t that a big shame! You are in the 21st Century. You have evolved far beyond the ‘life or death’ situations on a daily basis. You no longer have to do the instinctive behaviours which ensured your survival. You have many social and cultural layers burying them deep down. You are now in a position where the negative thinking and the social perceptions of others can influence you. Everything is easily accessible. Whenever you are racking your brain feeling bored, you drift off and flick on the TV or go on the computer. You don’t have to travel far to interact and be sociable- you use your phone and social networking sites. If you want something important delivered far away, buy a stamp and let somebody else do it for you. We live in civilised times, particularly in the western culture. Unfortunately, some countries out there are still trying to play catch up, and this is where you will see more of the natural and possibly dark instincts prevailing. You would think we have been at this stage for quite some time, but look over the history and think about how we got here. It has only been recently since the boom of technology hit us. And one of the greatest advancements was medical care. Without it, more people would be dying sooner rather than later. If swine flu hit us in a previous century, it may have become the equivalent of ‘The Black Plague’.
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The Man As Nature Intended It The only things which can wipe out man now are Mother Nature, deadly viruses, and our own internal destruction through wars.
YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE A MAN… Even though it’s all grand and spectacular, it doesn’t do much good for our identity.
Man is at his best when he has to fight/work for something. We don’t face that reality anymore. It’s even reaching a point where women do not even need a man. We were once the protectors and providers for women, but now they can live an abundant lifestyle quite comfortably without having a man around. All they need is a signature on a dotted line and a secure career. They can even raise children on their own without daddy hanging about and making her life even harder. It just adds to the fact that man is lost and, dare I say it, incapable. Many men would quite gladly remain slack and never even attempt to align with their instincts to be the successful and competitive man our nature intended.
It may be true that we do not need our primitive instincts to hunt- but we still need to survive.
SURVIVAL IN TODAY’S WORLD Survival has always been about getting resources and then maintaining them. Today you do not have to bust your balls for hours just to get something to eat. We have structured it so that we get a job and pay for it. And you have paid for it by giving it in trade for somebody who runs a food business. MONEY!
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The Man As Nature Intended It That is the key to our survival in today’s world. It is the equivalent way of gaining our resources. It gets you food, shelter, clothes, entertainment…everything. We trade it for the resources. But who gets the most money? Yes- the real men. They go out in business or they work on their talents/craft and become the product themselves. They don’t sit at home being lazy and getting trapped in negative thinking habits. They ride out into the world in the same way we had to in primitive times to get what we wanted. Who gets the gorgeous girlfriends in this world? It’s not necessarily the strongest guy or the one with the most money. It is the real man who had the balls and confidence to walk up to her and actually have a conversation. She then responds to his MASCULINE traits. All it took was for these men to know what they want, work towards the achievement of it- and then they receive the rewards for their efforts. What do most men do? They get themselves a minimum wage job…settle into a way of life…and hope one day something better comes along. These guys are the ones who are not aligned with their nature and masculine energy. They don’t feel the urges the real successful men feel. They don’t have that drive and desire to do more and want more. Call it greed if you want, but it is what works for these guys. It’s what makes them work on their business or develop their craft while the lazy guys are sat at home watching them achieve it and saying, “Lucky bastard”.
Man can be content, but it doesn’t mean he is happy.
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USING WEAKNESS FOR SURVIVAL I would love to romanticise evolution for you. I would love to say to you: You are descended from a string of survivors. Only the strong survived, and this means you too are stronger than you thought possible. Unfortunately, it’s not true. When packs and social hierarchies developed and man started to become abundant and successful- it meant everybody got a share, even if they were not the ones gaining the most success. The weak ones could ride on the success of the pack. There was plenty to go around and all they had to do was be content in their lower position and not cause any reason to be an outcast. They just kept their mouth shut and got on with it in quiet desperation. If you are the guy who sits back and watches others succeed and get what you want, then this is the survival strategy you have developed. Along with it come traits like insecurity and shyness. You even feel weak within yourself, but you just feel like you can’t do anything about it. It is just how you are. The world’s population is 6,500,000,000. Out of all those people, none of them care about how successful you become. They don’t even notice what happens to you and what you achieve. We are only interested in our own survival…our own success. So there is nothing keeping you remaining weak just so you do not disrupt the pack. You will notice in your close circle and family that some may feel your position is changing and they may hold you back downbut this is a point I will talk about in Part Two. Just look around you and notice the abundance. You are free to go beyond your weak and fragile identity. You can step up and be a man in your own world.
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The Man As Nature Intended It The question to ask now is: What is preventing you from being a man in today’s world?
CONCLUSION Nobody would ever dream of telling a woman to apologise for being a woman. But men have had to be tamed and suppressed because of his ‘dark side’ traits. Men can be labelled as assholes and unfair. We can be slack, lazy and useless. We can be the cause for suppression and our dominance can be too overpowering. We have so many perceived negative qualities associated with being a man. So in part two, I want to go through the main influences of today which sway you away from ever stepping up to being a real man. These will be the main reasons why we diverge away from our instincts and identifying ourselves as men.
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CHALLENGE #6: TIME TO REFLECT Hopefully you are now aware of a man’s core nature. A lot of our primitive instincts manifest in today’s world. We are just so conditioned and suppressed by social ideals. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Cut all ties with the modern world for a full weekend.
It may not be a challenge you can do fully, but try to achieve as many breaks from the modern world as you can. This means cut out any technology for the weekend- computer, phone, TV. It means don’t use anything electrical. Do you have a heater? If so, turn it off. Break away from friends and family, or at least limit your communication and interactions. If you have some place to go and it’s relatively close- walk. Put yourself back into a primitive existence.
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PART TWO How We Lost Our Identity Part Two explains why it is sometimes difficult to align with our instincts in today’s world. We can feel weak, insecure and emasculated- to a point where we lose all of our drive and motivation.
Influences And Conditioning
CHAPTER 2.1 INFLUENCES AND CONDITIONING ‘Part Two’ is defining the influences which have distracted us from aligning with our nature and instincts. We would probably love nothing more than feeling secure and just being natural, but we are constantly bombarded with mixed messages, opinions and consequences. The term to sum up ‘Part One’ would be INSTINCT AND NATURE. We did everything naturally because we were not being distracted by our ability to think too much. We had urges and drives- and we acted on them. Over time we have evolved and had multiple influences swaying us away from this nature and identity. Many guys will say, “I just don’t feel it. I can’t call myself a man yet”. The image of a man has become misinterpreted, and so it becomes more difficult for any guy to achieve his true sense of self and authenticity. Before we even attempt to look at achieving the identity of a man who is secure within himself, we first have to look at what is stopping us right now. That is my intention for Part Two- to make you aware of these influences, because even when you have affirmed a new identity, these influences will still continue and persist to slip you back into an insecure sense of self.
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Influences And Conditioning
SO WHAT ARE THEY? We don’t really need to go into too much detail about them. All we need to do is acknowledge they exist. We all probably have our own interpretation of what it means to be a man, and I assume these interpretations will revolve around a few similarities. But imagine if you have been in a house all your life where your mother has said, “All men are nasty” after her husband/your father left. Or perhaps you see a girl you really fancy throwing her knickers at some band, but she doesn’t even like you “in that way” even though you make her laugh all the time. Or how about hearing the media and advertisements starting the rumour of a trend that all men who wear makeup are sexy? These influences cause you to act and behave in different ways. If you don’t define yourself, then you will always be chasing these ideals and you won’t really know yourself. It is likely that no guy wants to be told how to be a man. His ego may flare up and he will feel stripped of any pride and dignity. But in all fairness- have we ever been truly shown it? If you’ve never had the luxury of having a male figure in your life showing you how to be a man- then you need to get aware and pay attention so you know just exactly how to be a man, and how to remain stable against all of the influences. So now, take a look at what influences may have steered you down the wrong path…
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Evolution and Civilisation
CHAPTER 2.2 EVOLUTION AND CIVILISATION The first obvious influence to sway us away from our nature is our progression to becoming civilised. Our primitive instincts are lying under layers of evolution that have given us new skills and functions. Take the example of two genders in the same species- men and women. One skill which is said to be more intuitive in men over women is the sense of location and direction. This was an important skill for a man to have because he had to venture out into the wild. If he found a spot rich with resources then he had to remember where it was. This had to become a skill, and slowly but surely we adapted with it. It became more evolved in us over women because we had to use it more often. It’s a small example, but imagine this happening to humans as a whole. It is how we began to evolve within the rules and boundaries of a pack and develop new social awareness. It’s how we evolved with the necessity to communicate. We began to become creative as we established easier means of travel, shelter and hunting. As we practiced more skills, more layers got added on so it could be passed on to the next generation. To be honest, I could try and go into scientific babble and the history of evolution, but let’s face it- it will just give us more unanswered questions.
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Evolution and Civilisation The basic fact is- we evolved with new skills and consciousness. And eventually with evolution came civilisation. You look at a wolf and you observe that when it is hungry then off it goes to eat. With a human, he may feel hungry, but then he’ll spend half an hour deciding on what to have or whether he really is in fact hungry, or just bored. Our instincts are still within us like the gut feeling of hunger. But we have evolved the ability to CHOOSE and THINK.
YOUR SENSE OF SMELL Spiders. You heard about them earlier when I was talking about our instinctive uneasiness around them. Now think about other things you instinctively feel on edge about. What about certain smells? When something smells rotten or putrid you instinctively want to turn away or throw up. Or how certain things look disgusting and infected so we feel repulsed by them. Or how the majority of people instinctively feeling nervous about heights These had to be learned and passed on to become instinctive. We couldn’t keep on living off the hope that somebody showed us. There had to be some instinctive responses to help us survive. If we didn’t, then we would continue to eat/stay around these rotten and infected substances and run the risk of threatening diseases.
FAST FORWARD TO TODAY At this point in time, we have advanced to a point where we have consciousness and emotions. We are in a position where a lot of things have been thrown into the mix on top of our natural instincts. A natural instinct for a man to survive would be confidence and overriding his fears. Today, a man could quite easily go to therapy for seventeen sessions and always think about his problem. He can question it in the same way he questioned his hunger.
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Evolution and Civilisation A man may instinctively find a girl attractive. He wants to go up to her, but he is too aware of the “consequences” and his uncontrolled imagination gets the best of him. If I had to sum it up:
The biggest influence keeping us distanced from our nature- is ourselves.
THE NEGATIVE THINKING CYCLE You may now wonder to yourself, “Doesn’t every step in evolution have a purpose?” That could perhaps be true. Thinking is a constructive step in our evolution- but negativity, however, is not. The only change is our awareness to how we are feeling, and we then translate that into linguistic terms and label ourselves. For example, you are now aware you feel something about approaching the attractive girl. You are aware of her peer group around her. You are aware you may be “rejected”. You are aware you are in a rut. You are aware you need to make a decision and change. You are aware you fear the change in case it is the wrong one. We have so much awareness and this can cause us to be hesitant in life. Its intention wasn’t to prevent us from getting locked in negative thinking habits. But unfortunately, we do not come with a thinking manual- so it’s easy to get caught up in the wrong habits.
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Evolution and Civilisation
BECOMING CIVILISED At one time, we probably would not have hesitated to knock some heads or get aggressive towards other males to show our dominance. If we felt something of ours was being threatened- our natural instinct would be to use violence. If we asserted our dominance enough, we would probably have been greedy and used it to our advantage. We may have even had sex with any female around. Who knows? I couldn’t tell you because I wasn’t there. It’s just speculation, but it seems plausible. But then we had to become civilised if we wanted the success of our species to continue. We couldn’t just kill for the sake of it, and we couldn’t run around sewing our wild oats and leaving women with children. Our awareness in this context served a purpose. We began to understand the value of becoming civilised with one another. How else could we have created the world we live in if it was always individual projects? The advantage of working together paid off. As the populations expanded, along with towns and countries being developed- we started to define “law and order”. You had to know you faced consequences for your uncivil actions. So this meant consequences for being rampant with your sexual urges and committing what became called adultery. You couldn’t take from others because that was robbery. And you certainly could not go out and kill because that would be murder. You eventually couldn’t be aggressive because that was GBH (Grievous Bodily Harm)…etc etc. Law and order stopped us from fully immersing ourselves in the dark side of our natures. The trouble is we sometimes get these surges of testosterone within us, but we have to suppress and control it.
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Evolution and Civilisation So the eventual question is how do we find a balance? Because we can easily swing to the opposite side and have no level of assertion or “fight” within us. We can suppress it too much- and that doesn’t help you feel like a man at all. We need this part of our nature to still remain present if we want to truly feel like a real man.
CONCLUSION Without becoming civilised we probably wouldn’t have reached the point we are at today. We would have been aloof and stirring up all kinds of shit. We also had the addition of our evolution to deal with. We developed emotions and communication. With communication came opinions and different perspectives. It all mixed together to be a huge influence on pulling us away from our nature and instincts. It’s not a bad thing, but it is something we have to be aware of so we can establish a balance within ourselves. This way we can still feel like a man and be firm and assertive whenever it is needed. Once you've taken a few punches and realise you're not made of glass, you don't feel alive unless you're pushing yourself as far as you can go. - Quote from Green Street Hooligans The above quote is the right mentality. In terms of this book, it doesn’t necessarily mean going out and having a fight. It means you should not tame yourself completely. You should realise you have urges and instincts to display your dominance and feel powerful. It also means at times you have to be firm and unapologetic. Without a balance- this could easily be you projecting yourself like an asshole.
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Evolution and Civilisation Do it in the right way, and you feel powerful within yourself. When you reach that point, you know you’re aligning with your true nature, and making it work for you even in today’s world. Civilisation has influenced us by suppressing a lot of man’s traits and tarring them with negativity. But that still shouldn’t stop us make us feel bad or guilty for being a man- so long as we find the balance.
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Your Upbringing
CHAPTER 2.3 YOUR UPBRINGING Everybody has parents. Even our parents have parents. You can take one family along side another and immediately notice the differences between the children’s character and personality. It can come in ways such as a mother being too protective and sheltering her child, or an overbearing father who belittles his son. It can come in a number of ways. The fact is, the people around us (and those most close to us) affect the way in which we develop. For example, put a rich kid next to one from a rough neighbourhood. The rich parents are surgeons and well-to-do people. In the rough neighbourhood, the parents are always drinking and being neglectful. It doesn’t just stop at the parents. You look beyond them and see the environment they are living in. The rich one is going to school with a teacher/student ratio of 1:5. The child in the rough neighbourhood hardly even goes to school. He hangs out on street corners causing trouble because there is nothing else better to do. The rich child is surrounded by friends and family with high status professional backgrounds. The rough neighbourhood child has friends coming around with a few drinks as they sit down to watch tonight’s TV before heading to their local for a few more drinks. You can pretty much guess how each one is going to turn out. The rich will continue to a life of success. He is surrounded by well-grounded people with strong belief systems about achievement. The other will probably carry on the cycle of drinking and neglect.
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Your Upbringing It’s a stereotypical comparison, but it proves a valid point:
What you are constantly exposed to defines your identity.
EXPOSURE TO WAYS OF LIFE It starts at home with the parents and siblings. From there it expands out to your environment and neighbourhood. Beyond that are the people you have around you in this environment. Then is the addition of schooling and education to try and broaden your horizons beyond your environment. This is our reality, and it defines our personality, beliefs and identity. It conditions us with completely different expectations of not only ourselves, but of what life is like. It doesn’t happen by always being “in your face”. It happens on an unconscious level. It’s like you are in a bubble- and that is all you know. So think about how the people are like around you who you have modelled. You observed these people in your bubble to learn about the world. Imagine being in a situation where you are constantly seeing anger and frustration in your home. When you go out on the streets, you see gangs squaring up and threatening each other. It’s almost certain that you will soon fall into this way of life. The same goes for those who are of a higher class. The children would have high expectations to live up to. They would see the success around them and that would be their baseline of what can be achieved.
Different ways of life create different definitions and distinctions. These ways of life also define different belief systems. Ask each of them, ‘What is a real man?’ and each will give a different answer. Rough Neighbourhood child: A man never backs down. Somebody steps up to you, you have to get
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Your Upbringing respect. You look after your kids the best you can and just prepare them for what’s out there. Higher Class Child: A man works hard so he can provide for his family. He aims to reach the highest level of prestige through his career and he does his best to reach a high level of success in every part of his life. They each have their own ideas of the same thing- being a man. They may even identify themselves as men, and if these are their beliefs behind it- then their behaviours to align with this identity will also differ.
UNCONSCIOUS CONDITIONING Conditioning is the key word throughout ‘Part Two’. Our nature at our deepest levels may be the same, but our conscious awareness is at the forefront of our psyche. After a certain amount of time to the same exposure and stimulus, the beliefs and values go into our neurology and become ingrained. Now you begin to receive sensations and feelings whenever you are faced with certain situations. For example, Al Capone probably would not have thought twice about shooting up a street if he had to. You, on the other hand, probably would. You get a feeling inside of you which causes you to hesitate and think about it. This is where it has become unconscious and hard-wired. Both the rough neighbourhood child and the higher class child could one day face a conflict in later life. Now, because of their beliefs about their identity- the child who has been exposed to violence would not think twice about kicking the other guy’s ass. It’s ingrained. The higher class child will probably step back rationally and try to sort something out to defuse the situation.
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Your Upbringing The power of your identity defines your actions and behaviours. You do them to align with the beliefs about who you are.
YOU CAN’T CHOOSE YOUR PAST Will Hunting: I didn’t ask for this. Sean: No, you were born with it. So don’t cop out behind “I didn’t ask for this” - Good Will Hunting Quote Our past and the situations we are exposed to is not our fault. However, that still doesn’t stop it from being an integral part of our shaping and moulding. We are such a diverse species because of our conscious awareness. We have built different cultures and religions which have exposed us to different perspectives. Enter the jungle and stumble across a tribe separated from humanity, and watch how their instinctive reaction is to point a spear or arrow at you in a defensive stance. Had they been exposed to humanity, their actions would be quite different depending on what they have experienced. It is for this reason that you cannot kick yourself or beat yourself up for the difficulties you face now. Maybe you look at the people who have it naturally and it makes you feel bitter about it. Or maybe you think, “If only I had that back then…then I would be different”.
You are reading this book to build yourself all over again as YOU want to be.
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Your Upbringing Every bit of your conscious awareness has defined who and how you are today. If it is not how you intended it or how you wanted it to bethen this is the reason for the conscious initiation to being something different- something you know deep down you are and need to become. Forget the past, because even after you have aligned yourself with a new identity, you will then be facing the exposure to the world still going on around you. I am assuming the reason that you chose this book is because you are not secure about who you are. That could be because you are not happy with who you are. How can you be secure in something you are unhappy with? At least now your conscious awareness is compelling you to expose yourself to new ideas. You are not willing to settle for the previous exposure you have had in life.
Our upbringing may have shaped us. But it is up to us now, as men, to take responsibility and control over how we are. It is our decision
CONCLUSION Your upbringing is a strong influence on you because it also involves your peers and family history. Some people choose to align with their parents in order to keep their identity and family bond intact. So if the father or mother were always hard workers and grafters, we may want to continue on that tradition.
Nothing can influence you more than the perceptions of your parents and peers. It goes back to our pack mentalitywe are hesitant about our own path if it is different to the one we have been shown and expected to abide by.
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Your Upbringing I can’t venture deeper into this chapter because I personally do not know your upbringing and what you have been exposed to throughout your life. All I can really say is it has given you an identity and beliefs about who you are. The unfortunate thing is you were not capable of choosing it, and most people then accept it as their way of life. If you are not secure or happy about how you see yourself, then what you have to do is use the same methods which ingrained the identity into you that you have right now. That is, using your conscious awareness to create feelings which dig deep into your neurology and unconscious. This means having an idea of who you wish to become, and then exposing yourself to fresh ideas and experiences that distance you from how you used to be.
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CHALLENGE #7: LEARNING RESPONSIBILITY We cannot keep living in the past or being stuck in our ways. We have to learn to take responsibility. That way, we feel empowered knowing we have control. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Take time to assess what you like and dislike about yourself, and do it with the mindset of “I created this”.
It’s in your hands now to be responsible for how you are and what you do. Nobody forced you. Maybe you felt pressure to do it from your peers and family, but at the end of the day- you made the call. If you continue to be acting out behaviours you do not like, you have to come to the conclusion that you are the one doing them. You may feel as though you have had your buttons pushed and you just do it- but you are still the force behind them. There is always some excuse or way out. Taking responsibility and owning up is a respectable quality of a man because he doesn’t use these as an escape. It’s not only something to use within your pack/social circle- but it is also for your own benefit. With responsibility comes control. It puts the outcome in your hands. Do yourself a favour- stop copping out so easily from everything. Tell yourself, this is how it is because I let it happen. Nobody put a gun to your head or forced you. When you reach an age of maturity- it was all up to you, regardless of your past.
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Male Role Models
CHAPTER 2.4 MALE ROLE MODELS We’re a generation of men raised by women. - Tyler Durden, Fight Club The desire to have a father figure around is in all of us. You need a man to show you how to be a man. Most of our development and learning comes from observation. We model the behaviours of those around us as we are trying to make sense of the world, but with the wrong models around you (or even no models) can cause you to pick up the wrong behaviours. You know how it should go. The dad gives his son pearls of wisdom and advice while they’re out fishing or hunting- teaching him about girls, toughening up and the circle of life and saying: Dad: That’s my boy. You’re learning to be a man. Today, this doesn’t happen often for us guys trying to find our way. Most dads tend to leave or they are just bad role models. If we are lucky there is another family member like an uncle, big brother or nurturing granddad who takes over and shows us the ropes. If we don’t have any male role models around us, then we’re stumped. We have to resort to being shown the way by anybody willing enough to give us a helping hand. It could be mums, sisters, teachers, next door neighbours, even films or famous celebrities we choose to imitate from the TV.
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Male Role Models In the beginning we are in search of our role models. We need something to aspire to. Think about what this does to us when we don’t have any guidance. We just stumble along, insecure and often feeling lost, hoping we don’t mess it up.
You need a man around to show you how to be a man, and give you an important definition of character.
RAISED WITHOUT A FATHER The unfortunate reality for most children is the main role model for them isn’t even around. This can cause the young boy to do one of two things. One, he can be responsible by staying respectful and loyal to his mother, which results in him still always feeling like a boy. Or two, he can go completely off the rails without any discipline, the kind which can only be given to you by a father. That’s the simplified version of it anyway. Bottom line is he is not given the opportunity to develop masculine traits. He either doesn’t learn the composure and discipline of a man, or he doesn’t give in to his testosterone fuelled “angst” and unleash his urges and emotions. No female can possibly help a man build this kind of character. If she can, she would have to be of a masculine nature herself and be a very strong woman to maintain both her motherly nature AND the discipline of a father. It’s unfair to expect this from any mother.
Without a male figure in our lives it becomes increasingly difficult to build our character.
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Male Role Models
THE LACK OF MASCULINE INFLUENCE Being influenced primarily by women will undoubtedly have you developing feminine traits. That’s because you are modelling their behaviours and their nature will be rubbing off on you. A lot of girls are fortunate in a way because they have a lot of physical changes going on in their youth. Their mother’s realise the importance of helping her through these changes and offering her advice, support and guidance. No guy ever imagines going up to his father and asking, “Will you show me how to be a real man?” It is up to the father to realise the importance of his role in the development of his children. And a masculine influence is needed even with girls. For a young girl they are said to compare every future man in their life to their father. She is daddy’s little girl/princess, and he has to be the protector and provider as a way of building her security and confidence. A father’s relationship to his daughter is different than with his son. This is, once again, an instinctive relationship. He has to provide her with a feeling of acceptance. The way she sees herself as a female is reflected in the relationship with her dad. Without it, she develops issues about trust and her security in the same way Roger Dodger: (to a woman at the bar) I could tell you that given a week to study your father and the ways in which he ignores you…I could come up with a schtick you'd be helpless to resist. - From the film, ‘Roger Dodger’ Having a masculine presence while you grow up is to the advantage of everybody, so long as they are balanced and positive role models. A girl can easily grow up resenting men if the father is more accustomed to his dark side traits of dominance. A boy can easily defy becoming a man if he observes his father being neglectful and passive with his mother.
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Male Role Models Sometimes, in these cases, it is better if dad is not around. But it still leaves us needing to learn from somebody. If we don’t, it can breed insecurity and shyness. We constantly question our actions/behaviours and our confidence is minimal. On the other hand, the seemingly male figures could already possess a feminine nature. Now you are modelling the men around you, but it is still going to be of a feminine mind. But something inside of you will not feel right. It will cause an inner conflict and you’ll realise it later on in your life. Once again this causes your insecurity and shyness to be the overpowering force. The worst part is- you probably can’t even put your finger on as to WHY you’re feeling this way. No man wants to go through these “weak” emotions. He knows within himself he needs to be confident, decisive and assertive. But unfortunately, without the right people around you to learn from- you unconsciously pick up the wrong habits.
Nurture of the wrong kind prevents you from being aligned and centred.
WHAT IF YOU DON’T HAVE A ROLE MODEL? It’s not impossible to develop the character of a man without a “father figure” around. After all, tribal initiations often require you to venture out alone without the aid or help of somebody else. However, up until that point of an initiation, the young men were shown the way and what to do by the males of their tribe. I stated earlier you probably could not venture into the wild now and automatically have a talent for hunting. Hunting is a learned skill, and where else could you learn it from? Some men are fortunate to have a secure enough mindset established from a young age. When most young men would feel wrong 106
Male Role Models and unsure, the secure men would continue with persistence. They are not concerned with doing things right or wrong- they just get on with it. They don’t feel like they have to be shown anything. They go and find out for themselves. By doing so, they are already on the right path to align with their nature.
When you don’t have role models, you can easily doubt yourself. The real and secure men would just get on with it and find out for themselves.
CONCLUSION No woman can show you how to be a man. We need to look for male role models within our life to show the character and behaviours of a real man. However, nowadays, they seem to be very scarce- so we have had to settle with feminine influences. But this pulls you away from ever developing the traits which define you as a man. You unknowingly adopt un-masculine qualities, or you are not confident enough to trust yourself and your nature/instincts. Can we blame the parents? Not really. That would be unfair. Nobody is given an instruction manual on how to be the perfect parent. It should be instinctive. In fact, it was once instinctive, but evolution and trying to adapt to a number of different changes even affected our parenting skills. We have not yet learnt to deal fully with our emotional spectrum, and as a result we can neglect the emotional needs of our children. But not having male role models to play a father figure for us is another reason why we find it difficult affirming our masculine identity. We just don’t know what it takes to be a man. We search and search, even resorting to the media to confirm how we should be.
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Male Role Models But in the next chapter, you will begin to understand how even that can be detrimental to our goal.
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The Media
CHAPTER 2.5 THE MEDIA The mainstream media has a HUGE impact on public opinion. With a thought out article, a defining headline, and depictive snapshot- it can either make or break somebody’s public image and reputation in a moment. It paints a representation for us all to buy in to. Even if we casually brush it off and we can easily say it is rubbish, it still impacts us by publicising it to the masses. Imagine what this has done for the male image. It can give you a negative impression and then give the snappy tagline, “the typical male”. Now we automatically associate the negativity with being a man. It’s all about association and representation through the way they frame it. Trouble is, only the negative stories make the juiciest headlines, so it is usually the dark side actions which get manipulated. It’s deceptive though. The media never appears to attack all men and make a generalisation. That would be too risky. Instead, they just give a representation in a bias way attached with emotive words and let you make up your own mind about it. The media is not just refined to the obvious newspapers. The media is everything you see publicised through any available medium. Everything you see has some kind of influence on what is deemed acceptable and what isn’t- what we should go for, and what we shouldn’t.
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The Media
MAGAZINES Take a typical male magazine. It’s usually filled with gorgeous women on the front cover, then headlines about sex sports and cars. Throw in a bit of fashion just to round it off and voila- you have your stereotypical male. How does it represent us? We are sex mad. We objectify women. Our only interests are sports and cars. We only pay attention to silly kind of humour like, “Who would win between a bear and batman?” Okay, so they’re not so far wrong. But we buy into this and accept it as our mentality. And because the power of social influence and the majority- we have this stereotype stuck in our minds. Kind of like in the same way when you ask a child what God looks like, and they’ll assume a man in the sky with a white beard.
In a sentence- they dumb men into being playful idiots. It’s only entertainment, and it’s not for everybody. In fact, you may not even buy any of the magazines. The point is, it is the accepted norm of a stereotypical male. When you compare it to a woman’s magazine you can instantly tell the differences. I’m not knocking the entertainment value- I’m only giving you an idea of what this can do in terms of image and stereotypes.
COMEDY Comedy is a much loved and appreciated creative art form. The idea is to take our lives and make a mockery of it. The most common form is to play ourselves down by showing others the stupid shit we get in to. Which is the common gender of comedy? Yes…men.
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The Media And what is usually the subject of women’s comedy? Yes…men. Men’s behaviours are what a lot of comedy revolves around. They say a theory of comedy is ‘Superiority’, and we use humour to level the playing field so others can laugh about it with us. That’s why comedians find it easier to make fun of the more famous and popular celebrities. It’s a way to take them down a peg or two. Comedy evolved because of the tensions we constantly felt. If we dislike somebody or find them threatening- we use humour. At least then instead of it turning into a fight and potential death, it can all be prevented with an “I’m only joking” line. Now back to the idea of comedy levelling everybody and taking people down off their pedestal. Men are supposed to be intelligent and logical- hence why it is funny lowering their superiority. It gives us a mental tickle when we hear about how a guy messed up doing the DIY or he cocked something up. Men are supposed to be strong and firm- hence why it is funny hearing about a man being scared of the kids nowadays. It’s funny to level out the playing field, so in the process we have to mock the superiority of a masculine representation. And humour is a social tool. People feel loved when they make people laugh, and they also feel accepted when they make people laugh. So what most men will often do is take on the comedy role and mock themselves to gain some form of acceptance. Women are often saying ‘sense of humour’ is at the top of their wanted traits in a man- yet I don’t see many comedians having knickers thrown at them on stage. Sense of humour stimulates feel good emotions, but it still lowers the guy’s superiority (unless it is done right, i.e. dry wit, blend of cockiness and arrogance).
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The Media On the surface level, comedy is harmless entertainment. But on a deeper level, it is used to knock a man’s superiority- thus once again turning him into an idiot. And because of its appeal, a lot of men will align with this kind of role. Sure, you get laughs- but at the expense of your image.
Comedy is a means to play down your superiority. Men have more of a chance to do this because instinctively they’re supposed to be competent in a lot of areas. When they are not- it’s funny.
FILMS Films are actually good for defining a masculine identity. We see role models like Steve McQueen kicking some ass and being so cool he pisses ice cubes. How about James Bond- Need I say more? He is a common fantasy image many men gravitate to. It only hinders a guy with their roles in most comedies, especially romantic ones. You already know comedy is about lowering a guy’s perceived superiority. Romantic comedies take a guy and then turn him into a fumbling mess around the girl. He’s always messing up, falling over, apologising, and basically just looking like an idiot when in the presence of a woman. Unfortunately, women eat this kind of stuff up- and you’ll see in the next chapter how these perceptions also influence us. Even though he is this fumbling mess- he still gets the girl! How insane is that? But of course, women lap it up, and we want women- so we align with the stereotype subconsciously. You subconsciously pick up what is popular with the women and you become Mr. Nice guy and then say, “But I thought it is what she wanted!” Who told you that? Yes…the media.
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The Media Other kinds of films like action, gangster, thriller…they tend to align with the primitive nature of man. It plays out the fantasy of a guy most men would like to be. He takes charge and he kicks some ass. He has a rebellious streak and does his own thing. Without being a kiss ass he still manages to get the girl. Films are a fortunate medium because they are fictional. They don’t have to face being an exact representation. They are all about fantasy and aligning with our natural drives. That’s why the boyfriend sighs when he has to face another rom-com, and the girlfriend almost falls asleep watching the latest action film.
Films play on our instinctive drives and emotions. It’s a medium which allows roles to be closer to what is actually how we feel we should instinctively be, but without real consequences.
MUSIC I would like to offer you Exhibit 4D- the boy band. It’s another piece of evidence in the emasculation trial. They style themselves up trying to appeal to the girls by slick haircuts and feminine appearance. Although I have to say the invention of the cliché boy band is recent. However, even before then you had ‘The Beatles’. It’s not necessarily the image of these bands which is the concern- it is the lyrics and image. Obviously male groups which became mainstream and popular had to appeal to women. They had to define what was attractive so women would rush to go out and get their album. Most of the lyrics turn into romantic mush and all about being loved up and then breakups. The guys talk about loving the girl so much and how he can’t live without her. Does this define the true nature of a real man? A man who a woman would instinctively feel drawn to?
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The Media Funnily enough these guys were getting women groupies by the truck load, so they must have been doing something right. And because of the way it has been presented to us, we get the mixed message. It works by appealing to women, so of course they are going to have feminine looks and soppy lyrics. Some naïve guys would go out and try to replicate this kind of image. They’d copy the hairstyle as it was “popular”. Teens nowadays copy their trends- they do things like the emo look, the indie look, the rocker look. Some people identify their style by their taste in music. But as with any kind of media- just because it is popular, doesn’t mean it is right. Style should be a reflection of your own identity. A real man wouldn’t look like he’d just come off a conveyor belt. Music is closely linked to style. When ‘The Beatles’ turned up on the scene it wasn’t long till guys started taking on the infamous “mop-top”. It’s a certified influence because women (another big influence in the next chapter) will grab the hair straighteners and gladly give you a make over.
Music can influence our appearance. If it appeals to most women, then on some level we try to use music to figure out what works in achieving one of our main drives.
CONCLUSION If a guy was to look around feeling lost about his identity, and he goes looking to the mainstream media to get clues on what it takes to be a real man- he’s going to seriously be veering towards the wrong kind of character. The media is all about image and representation, but the image is only used to APPEAL to a mass audience. You can’t take the media and the images they portray seriously. It is calculated and manipulative.
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The Media With the media gaining such huge publicity and influence, a guy can easily be convinced by the media as to how he should be, along with what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s then given the stamp of approval if it reaches a majority and then it gain’s social/culture influence. You should not look to the media in defining yourself as a man. It sways you in the wrong direction. It can encourage a man to be the constant funny man and appear to have no real substance. The media holds a lot of weight in its influence because it is a social enterprise. However, don’t let that be enough to have you fit into the mould. Be your own man.
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CHALLENGE #8: ROLE MODELS Is it easy to find the stereotype of a real man? One which man instinctively wants to become, and what every woman instinctively is drawn to?…Let’s find out. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Find examples of what you think is a real man in whatever medium you can find, and examples from your own life. List the traits of what makes them this definition.
This is a combination of the previous chapter and this one. You could find yourself instinctively going with what feels right to you. Will you be drawn to the romantic comedy buffoon? I hope not. Will it be the self-deprecating joker? Highly unlikely. Will it be the weak guy who is always nice and doing all he can for everybody? Tempting, but it won’t feel right. You will hopefully go for the guys who have an edge about them. They look like they are not afraid to be assertive and competitive. You get a vibe about them which suggests they are secure and confident within themselves. Nobody could come along and rattle them up or shake them down. The woman they are with is all over him as he appears to act so passively. He shows he loves and cares for her in his own way- and she knows it. When you look around, you will be offered a lot of stereotypes. But something inside of you will be drawn to certain defining traits over others. Be careful not to be giving in to your conditioning. How will you know you are? Well, you will after you have been through ‘Part Three’. Right now, just get an idea for yourself.
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Women And Social Influence
CHAPTER 2.6 WOMEN AND SOCIAL INFLUENCE You may have noticed a lot of the influences are us trying to find ways to appeal to women. Sex is one of our main drives, and obviously we can’t keep having sex on our own. But what else could be a bigger influenced than women to convince us how a man should be? Over the centuries, the status of men and women has predominantly been the woman taking on a submissive role. That is, they have been under the thumb of men as their “property” or “right”. The woman BELONGED to the man. Women over the years have been subjected to being suppressed by male figures. You only have to watch the film ‘Titanic’ to look at the dynamic between a man and a woman. He refused giving her any kind of freedom. Whenever she was believed to be defiant- she got a slap along with a firm word. And that was only 1912! In the ancient world in places such as Rome, a woman could be killed on the spot if she was ever found to be adulterous. Even the case of having more than the moderate amount of wine was enough for a man to divorce her. It would have appeared to be “un-feminine”. This was at the surface of what everybody saw. The undertone of all this was acts like prostitution and also adultery, even though the risks were great. I stated earlier that even though sex could have been dangerous as a result of causing child-birth and the obvious spreading of 117
Women And Social Influence sexual diseases- sexual acts was still rampant. But this still did not alleviate the suppression women.
WOMEN FINALLY BECAME FREE(ISH) Fast-track forward to today and you will find the roles extremely different. It is no longer a case of the man suppressing a woman. There is still a passive request from a man to have a woman remain feminine, and he may at times want to assert himself as a man, but it no longer reaches the levels of extreme persecution as before. It was long awaited for women to finally rebel against the rules in which were defined for them. They no longer wanted to accept the submissive role they had been given. As luck would have it, this was what began the breakdown of a man and his role. For centuries he had a well defined position and status in terms of his relations to women. But now women were taking their own reigns and no longer staying at home. The behaviours and roles of men were now being taken up by women. Nobody could argue with this movement and change. It needed to happen eventually. Anything which is suppressed for too long slowly builds up the courage to break out. And it took so long because the result would be the woman being chastised. The only concern now for a man is the confusion and mental-limbo it causes. If a man nowadays takes on the role of, let’s say, a 16th Century nobleman, you’re clearly going to be labelled as old fashioned and unrealistic. It may have even been in our primitive nature’s to align with these roles for the sake of survival…but thing’s have changed- and with it, so has man’s perception of his identity.
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HOW A MAN’S IDENTITY SHIFTED Okay, so you picture the stereotypical male over the centuries with women. He was assertive…took no shit…laid down the law…had her on his arm as a prize rather than a wife…passed her off to other male’s if he so chose to show her off…everything which can be constituted to his dark side as a dominant force. This overbearing attitude no longer works- yet it is all man knew. So now man has to feel as though he should ASK a woman what works.
What do you want in a man? Remember, at this point we have lost our identity because the way we were no longer worked. We have to do what man has done since the dawn of time- ADAPT. So the answers we receive from women will obviously be the definitive answer as to what a man truly is- a man that can have women and sex within the new dynamic. What answers do you get? A man can protect me and make me feel safe (spot on love, keep going)…He can make me laugh and feel good (bordering selfish, but we’ll give you that one)…He is kind, sensitive, and he always puts me first and cares for me when I feel down or upset. He is a nice guy…. Okay, backup for a second. It was all going well until the bombardment of feminine qualities. It’s these kinds of traits which sabotage a man’s nature, but they are so dominant nowadays in defining “a real man” and his identity that men will typically gravitate towards them. You can see the contrast. It is obviously a 180 degree switch from the previous characteristics of a man- a man that suppressed a woman. If
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Women And Social Influence she ever mentioned some of the traits whilst he had his little power trip over the centuries, and used them to define a man every woman wants, then it would act as justifying the roles in the past. The problem with this is:
There is no balance. But when anybody is in limbo- they accept whatever they are given. As a consequence, man started to gravitate towards this new stereotype of man, and along with all the other influences going on around us- it’s easy to see why we lose our sense of nature’s intention.
MORE CONFUSION ABOUT OUR IDENTITY We took the overall social definition and acted upon it. If we wanted a woman, we showered her with the affection she requested. We became sensitive and in touch with her feelings. We asked her what SHE wanted and gave her options. We always let her know we cared or her. We would write her poems/songs about her to show her how special we think she is. He put her first and did whatever he could to sway him away from the brute of a man we had previously been. He tries desperately to make a good impression and feeling apologetic on behalf of his species. What began to happen?
Women became frustrated with the nice guy. One of the reasons was because of the increased population. It was no longer necessary for a woman to be in a relationship and have a man provide for her- she is now independent.
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Women And Social Influence Unknowingly through this time of change, a woman began to define herself as the prize a man should work for- and men always want a prize. It was back to evolution in the beginning without defined relationships. It was a case of the “real men” being able to have her over all the other guys. But it wasn’t just a few men, it was now an abundance of them who were treating it like a free-for-all to prove themselves as real men. Of course, they did the nice guy approach and showered her with affection and attention. This behaviour is only good in small doses- but hey, it’s what women said they wanted. It’s easy for all of this affection to eventually appear insincere. When women realised they are the object of not only one man’s desire, but many men- then it completely went against her natural instincts. Instinctively, she felt these kinds of behaviours were an act of weakness. The man who could not achieve her with dominance as she displayed herself would have to resort to these behaviours. As a result, women became bored and wished to reject these kind of men. She became dismissive and more challenging. This was a means to bring out the primitive and natural instincts she hoped was inside of him- and it’s the kinds of behaviours you can see from women on a regular basis. Of course, this kind of behaviour would confuse any man who has been conscious and listening intently to the new social mating call. It would seem he is doing everything right as “a real man”. But nothing can take away a girl’s instinctive nature. Her eyes were still glancing over at the man aligned with HIS nature. It may not have even required words. She would be able to INSTINCTIVELY notice his arrogant swagger from across the room and the way he too displays himself.
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WHAT THIS MEANS FOR OUR IDENTITY So now is the evident confusion of what defines a real man. Women are something men must always try and align with, and women must also do the same with men- regardless of this new independence and partial separation. Maybe it is a transition in our evolution. However, our nature and instincts still play a big part. With women being a strong influence for men, her definition of a real man will impact him on a deep level. He will feel if he doesn’t align with this definition, he will be rejected. But ironically, it is still the bad boy’s who are aligned with their natural drives and instincts that attract a woman. It is the clash between the modern world views versus our primitive instincts. The men who swayed too much to the feminine side to align with women were not triggering her primal instincts.
Something inside her would not feel right. Something was clearly wrong, but she just could not put her finger on it.
THE POWER OF SOCIAL INFLUENCE Why did women sway to this view of men? One can only put it down to a strong social influence. The women who swayed the social opinion of women’s roles and rights had a lot to go against, and their argument was simple- to not constantly be in the shadow of men. This new wave of women not giving in to men so easily created a strong resistance to the advances of men. She was now in a position where she could not have sex with a man so easily, even if every fibre of her being was convincing her to do so.
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Women And Social Influence In her mind was a huge conflict. By coming across as “easy” would seriously diminish her status in the eyes of other women. It would rise to more bitchiness and jealousy when certain women gained most of the attention.
Even though she wanted to feel liberated and enjoy her new freedom, there was still the pressure of social influence. Now we see the resulting behaviours of women coming across just as confused as men. If they display themselves in a sexually attractive waywomen will drag them back down, as well as men who believe in a woman being more respectable of her self. Yet her drives are to attract a man by displaying herself. And even though this may have caused an abundance of all the wrong, sleazy and immature guys coming after her- it still isn’t enough to stop her doing it. Nature is too compelling.
Women have it tough because they are torn in so many directions. Nowadays you can notice their behaviours as still being rebellious. She is being told by mother how to act, and women may pull her down…but nature still drives her to gain the attention of men.
WHAT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO… In short, men do not get a clear cut answer from women as to what a real man is. To get this answer, a man must wade through the influences of our history and get to the core of what a real man is. This is what women will INSTINCTIVELY be drawn to, regardless of what they might say.
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Women And Social Influence Obviously, some women will scream with such conviction how much they hate arrogance and cockiness. A female’s reactions to a man displaying his nature may be contradicting to what you have just readbut the evidence is all around you. You cannot please everybody, which is why it is always best to create a balance and not convert fully to the primitive man who once suppressed a woman.
CONCLUSION Developing sexual relationships is an instinct and drive within us. Men cannot help but be influenced by women and try to understand what works in order to attract a woman. Social influence has helped women become liberated. Even though they are liberated, they still cannot be honest as to what works for them on the deepest level. In truth, they may not even know it themselves. Unfortunately, if you have been listening to women, then you have gravitated to the weaker version of man. Even though women are a compelling influence, we cannot be seduced by the social influences to see what a real attractive man is like. Hopefully by now you are slowly being convinced to the importance of aligning with your nature. It even impacts women on a deep subconscious level. Even your future (or present) family need you to be a real man.
Ask yourself this important question: Would you like to be the man women settle for? Or do you want to be the man women cannot help but want?
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CHALLENGE #9: THE TYPES OF MEN We want to observe what women really respond to. We don’t want to keep going along with the wrong idea of what it is women want. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Take the ideas of this chapter and observe it in real life.
This chapter has been implying that women respond to something deep rooted within them, rather than the stereotypical nice guy. You can even go out and ask some girls their opinions, but be cautious about buying into what they say. Women’s reactions towards men are often complaints. That is their nature, so don’t take it too personally. Look at who women find the sexiest. Is it the funny men? Is it the sweet guys who have a nurturing side? Observe around you on a night out. Who is going to be the guy who gets the girl that night? You could even go up to a girl, shower her with compliments and drinks…then see if she is willing to carry on with you. I’m going to the other end of the spectrum here and trying to stay you as far away from the “Nice guy” as possible. The reason is so that you can take a true perspective on things. That only happens when you step back and see everything playing out in front of your own eyes, and noticing how it aligns with the concept outlined in this chapter.
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Why You Don’t Feel Like A Man
CHAPTER 2.7 WHY YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE A MAN Our nature lies within us, yet in the world we live in today we are being bombarded with mixed messages and different standards to live up to. The reason why animals can fully live as nature intended is because they do one important thing:
They don’t get in their own way. What I mean is, no animal is concerned with discovering or knowing what else it could be. It just simply is. The gazelle doesn’t wish it was a lion, or the lion doesn’t wish it was a bird, or the cow doesn’t wish it was a bear. The key to their nature and identity is by having the ability to just be.
TOO MUCH THINKING Humans in the modern world find this difficult to do. We have the ability to think and philosophise. And although this may be crucial to our development and what we have been able to achieve- it hinders us by separating us from just being able to get on with it. While we think and try to develop an identity for ourselves, we look around and notice so many things pulling us in different directions. It’s these things we find difficult to get our heads around. It would be a case
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Why You Don’t Feel Like A Man of us just simply being like every other animal, going along with our natural instincts without questioning it.
Clearly that illustration course I went on paid off. Seriously though- it sums up how man can prevent himself from being aligned with his nature. All the influences in our lives can throw us off, and on top of that, we never have an actual ‘initiation’ from BOY to MAN. So we get caught up with all the influences and conditioning. We cannot be like every other animal because we have all these extra layers added on. But, it’s never too late when we have some knowledge to work with.
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WHY WE CANNOT JUST BE… With evolution leading us to think and becoming civilised; our upbringing putting others beliefs and values on us; no real male role models; the media along with social influence; and women reacting to “negative” male characteristics- they all add up to the equation which pulls us away from just being a man as nature intended. Some people are fortunate and they have been given a set of beliefs and values which just feel right they do not need to question them. They can just carry on being natural and getting on with it. It shouldn’t have to be a case of you reading this book to discover your true identity as a real man. I feel bad for us having to learn something which is so innate and yet we have to invest time and effort to find it again. Through your life, you may have felt you lost your sense of real self. The way you should be was fought against because your logic and reasoning has developed ideas based on society. The hardest thing you will face in shifting your identity is the social pressure, and also the expectations from those who know you. Truth is, the man I am identifying in ‘Part Three’ is one who is balanced. Even though in your mind the idea of a man is overall negative- then there is one requirement for you to do before you read part three.
FORGET IT ALL AND START HERE An initiation is a transformation. In tribal terms, it meant you had to “kill the boy” to become a man. You had to transform from the boy and destroy him before you could ever become a man. Both the identity of a boy and identity of a man could not co-exist together inside a person.
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Why You Don’t Feel Like A Man This ideology is going to be the same for you. You need to kill who you are now (metaphorically speaking. This isn’t a cult). Who you are now is a culmination of too many ideas, beliefs and meanings. Defining an identity requires you have a mental gap to place it in. There is no gap if your head is filled up with everything you have been told and known. It’s similar to any scenario you see in films. They have to first of all be broken down through physical and mental torture in order to transform into somebody new. In essence, you have to kill the old you. One of the best ways to achieve this is breaking away from everything you know. The challenges throughout this book so far have been around this way of thinking. You can still go through this experience if you are totally committed to the idea. But first of all, mentally prepare yourself to forget who you once were. You will not even take the time to question anything else. This is to be a direct split. You are killing off the old you and how you have always been. You are not even trying to salvage parts of how you once were. Some aspects of you will remain. However, this is purely for your own conscious rationality. You are not going back and forth to be pulled into questioning and analysing again. Your conscious awareness will purely be you focussed on a new identity and transformation. Does it sound far fetched? Perhaps. But identity change is not easy- not if you keep coming from a place of thinking about how you are now. Doing so will keep snapping you back to the “safety” of it. I’ll say it again- man can easily be content, but not happy. Do whatever you can to break away from all you know for a while. If you can’t make a full split, do it in as many areas as you can. 129
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CONCLUSION You need to fully envelop yourself in this new identity because when you bring yourself back to “the real world”…you are still going to be faced with everything pulling you in all kinds of directions. These influences which condition you will be still exist. So to become secure within ourselves- we need to constantly affirm it. You will need to truly believe that being “A Real Man” is something you do not need to question anymore. You are satisfied with defining yourself with the identity. You cannot be easily swayed out of it. It is at the centre of who you are. By the end of it, you will not be identifying who you are by your materials, qualities or what you do. You will not say, “I am…an accountant. I am…intelligent. I am…middle class. I am…a vegetarian. I am…better than he is.” etc… You will come from one core identity. Once you have defined what it is, everything will begin to fit into place. All of your actions, behaviours and thinking will align with it and come from this core- and you will feel extremely secure in the process. After it, you should be able to say, “I am a man” with some pride. You won’t be thinking, “I should be a man but…” You say this now because you haven’t had a real shift from boy to man. This identity will be something you have known all along. It will make sense to you. It will feel like the glove fits. Only now you will have washed away all of the shit which held you back from being it in the first place.
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PART THREE Defining An Identity Once you understand your nature, and you know what influences you away from it- you can then define an identity to align with.
Definition Of An Identity
CHAPTER 3.1 DEFINITION OF AN IDENTITY Take a look at your I.D card. It has your name, your picture and any other important information which distinguishes you from anybody else. This is said to represent your identity and who you are. If anybody takes the card and takes on your name, appearance and other informationthen it’s known as ‘identity theft’. That’s one way of thinking about your identity. It is giving you labels and roles that define you. On the surface we can be many things. For example, you could work in law, so you define yourself as a lawyer. You have children, so you are a father. You help out with charities, so you are a giver. You could define yourself in a number of ways- but these definitions do not go deep enough. They do not give you a true sense of self. I mean, what if you lost your job as a lawyer? You have now lost your sense of self. This is how some people end up on a downward spiral. “I lost my job! I don’t know who I am any more. It’s all I’ve known”. Then they experience a mental breakdown as they try to figure out who they are. Nothing is truly permanent in life. There are always changes and shifts happening. So if you primarily use these changing roles and labels to say who you are- you will never be able to feel fully secure.
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Definition Of An Identity Now, during conversations, you wouldn’t say “I am a man”. You would tell people the things you do. But the identity I am suggesting in this book is one you know internally for your own confidence and selfbelief.
It radiates out of you into all your little roles that you do in life. It is at your core.
DEFINING WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN When you intend on ingraining the belief that you are a man, and you use it as part of your identity, you need to first of all define it. Think back to the rich kid and the rough neighbourhood kid. Each one had different definitions of what it meant to be a man. On some subconscious level we pick up ideas and beliefs about how a man should be. But any guy out there can say “I am a man” just because he has the appearance of one. However, mentally, he is not fully aligned with it. He doesn’t know how to BE a man or ACT like a man. In ‘Part Three’, this is what I am going to be defining- the identity of a man. And when you begin to refer to yourself as a man- you will (or should) align yourself with these behaviours and definitions. If you truly believe you are a man, you will do whatever you can to not cause any conflict against it. For example, you could say a man should not be shy or timid. So when you catch yourself being shy in some way, you have an inner conflict and you say, “But I am a man” and you snap yourself out of it. Look at crying as a good example. For a long time men have held the belief that it is unmanly to cry. When he cries, he feels he is displaying weakness. A woman will console and nurture him when he cries, but he will defiantly convince himself, Man: I shouldn’t be crying! I’m a man! 134
Definition Of An Identity One simple definition like this prevents a man from even letting go and crying when he needs some form of release. It stops certain behaviours. So the identity I will outline in ‘Part Three’ should be of a balanced man. You should be able to embrace every part of your emotions and logic- and identify yourself a man who can only feel empowered, even while expressing himself in ways he feels are weak. I said it once before- I do not believe in being the Alpha and the Omega who is out to be the most dominant. I also do not believe in a man bowing down and constantly cowering. At times he will have to assert himself to protect what is his- whether that is a material possession, a loved one, or even something as simple as an opinion or belief. What I do believe in is balance and respect. Respect for yourself, and respect for those around you. Achieve that, and you’ll feel good when you can call yourself a man- and actually believe it.
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A Man And His Every Day Attitude
CHAPTER 3.2 A MAN AND HIS EVERY DAY ATTITUDE When most books try to define a man, they end up saying “A man is…” and give you a list of traits along with “do this, don’t do that” warnings. Before I begin to do that, I want to set your cogs in motion. I want to offer you a thought provoking question, and as you read through the rest of ‘Part Three’ while contemplating it, then all the pieces will begin to fit together. The question is this:
What Would You Do If You Had Absolutely Nothing? I mean literally- nothing. No phone, no computer, no clothes, no bed, no home, no contact…nothing. You were stripped down to the bare essentials of man. All you could rely on was your own intelligence and creativity. To get skills, you can’t even read them from a book and learn from somebody else- you had to do it all from scratch. If you became cold, you had to find a way to keep warm. This is you at your most basic and primitive. When you think about yourself being in this state- you have to imagine what qualities you need to bring to the table in your every day life. You had to think, you had to create, and you had to act. It’s that simple.
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STARTING WITH NOTHING I’m trying to make you think from a scarcity point of view. Most of us tend to become lazy because we have no real necessity. We don’t have any drives or real urges. Or if we do, they are suppressed way deep down under all of our conditioning. We need to get these drives and urges back into our every day life. Could a man afford to live like this without any desire or necessity? Of course not! If he was cold, he had to go create some clothes or build a fire. When we are cold- we flick on a heater. If he wanted food, he worked hard until he got it, hunting and searching for hours. For us, we may order someone to bring it to us. You can see where I’m going with this. We have to start thinking from this level because this is the character of a real man.
If he wanted something- he was driven and compelled to do whatever it took to get it. He didn’t sit around for days waiting for it to come to him. A man would not be filled with constant anxiety and doubt. Those who did would not be able to survive. Or if they did survive, it was because of the work of others and getting an easy ride. And it’s useful to think like this. No man likes to feel weak and insecure. It niggles inside of us. But if you are the man who goes out and gets the job done, without all the anxiety and other mental torture methods- you feel empowered.
Getting rid of all the mental torture and conditioning is what identifying and aligning with being a real man is all about. Imagine how good you would feel when you just get up and do what needs to be done. The drives and urges are too compelling for you to
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A Man And His Every Day Attitude ignore. You don’t even complain about it. You just take it as something a man has to endure and deal with. You’ve heard the cliché saying, “Take it like a man”. Well, this is precisely what it meant. A man couldn’t venture out to hunt for his family thinking: Man: Why do I have to do this all the time? Ugh. Let somebody else do it, I’m tired. He just got on with it. There was no easy way out. And he could do whatever it took because he KNEW he had to do it. Sometimes too much choice and no real need can enslave us.
TRANSLATE IT TO TODAY Now bring this attitude and mentality to the things you have to endure today so you can reap the benefits. Sure, we have an abundance of everything- but funnily enough, that can be the problem. You don’t have any real necessity to do anything. That gorgeous woman walks you by, but it is okay- just find some porn when you get home. You have the dream of running your own business, but you know it will be hard work setting it up. But it is okay- you’re in a nine to five and on a secure wage. No biggie. You want to better yourself, but it means sacrificing a holiday and nights out to pay for it. Ah well, nobody likes sacrifice- you can do it another time. You’ve always wanted to try something different, but you’ve never done it before and you are filled with doubt about it. Well, you can’t possibly get over your nerves and anxiety- so it probably wasn’t meant to be. You can always find something else.
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A Man And His Every Day Attitude A REAL MAN does not think like this. He get’s the girl, starts his business and endures the sacrifices. He takes it as a man should. When he wants something, he gets it. If he loses or fails- he takes it like a man.
AN EVERY DAY ATTITUDE No doubt your life is going to be filled with taxing ordeals. You will have to endure all kinds of crap. Some things will even feel difficult or impossible. You’ll be faced with decisions you may not like to do. You would rather hide away from it than go through the consequences, or even worse- letting other people down. But as a man, you strive to be and do your best. If it fails or it didn’t go as you hoped, then take it like a man. If you have any doubts, then look around you. Everywhere is filled with creations some men (or group of men) have created. You are surrounded by the works of geniuses.
And what makes them brilliant is because they probably had to devise these inventions without any prior history to it ever being done before. Most men would not even attempt to do anything because they have never done it before. Whatever the action is, “not doing it before” is not a valid excuse. Everything is new in the beginning, but the real men are the ones who take it on anyway. We have had to experience this throughout all of our history. We have constantly had to push through and do new things. When you apply this to you as an individual- it is an extremely powerful mindset to have. Bottom line, a real man must search inside of himself to find his drives; his urges; and his desires. If he doesn’t then he can always find an excuse to pass something off. A real man gets whatever it is that needs to be doing- done.
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A Man And His Every Day Attitude He feels how man felt during our primitive times. He had no easy access to anything- he started with nothing. From there, he had to go out and make something for himself. So imagine yourself in that same predicament. Imagine you have no easy access to an abundance of resources. Imagine what you feel so it compelled you to do something about it. This should be your attitude every single day, in everything that you do.
CONCLUSION Ask yourself, what would you do if you had nothing? What would you endure if you KNEW you had to do it? These are the drives which compelled a man to action. Taking action and being a go-getter is empowering, and a man loves nothing more than feeling powerful. If you want to feel like a real man, then we have to do away with the negative and “weak” mentality. It cannot always be a case of thinking about the worst outcome and then pondering over it for days and days. Our nature is designed to just do what is necessary. So what if you don’t get the dream job, or your business idea fails, or you made the wrong decision, or the gorgeous girl rejects you, or you have to face some consequences… All of these are possible outcomes, but all you have to do is one thing:
Take it like a man. If you don’t, then you’ll never get anything done. You’ll always be convinced by your own doubt to not bother.
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A Man And His Every Day Attitude It will kill your drive and spirit, and you will feel weak as a result. You’ll feel insecure and disappointed within yourself. You’ll kick yourself for days and “go into your cave” when you let yourself down. And this will keep on recurring until you are able to say to yourself that you can face whatever happens. You will take it like a man. And on top of that every day attitude, you should constantly believe you are working from nothing. Because when you have nothing- you have to do something. You have a reason and a purpose for your action. We lack this necessity and drive nowadays- so it is up to us to offer it to ourselves so that we are not left with having nothing. Find your inner drives/urges…and take whatever it is like a man. Don’t complain about it- just get on with it. Don’t think about it for daysjust get on with it. Don’t always doubt yourself- just get on with it.
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A Man And His Ability For Action
CHAPTER 3.3 A MAN AND HIS ABILITY FOR ACTION Talk is cheap. If you want to see yourself as a man- you have to become somebody who is willing to take action and not just talk about it. What do I mean by being productive? To put it bluntly- it means getting off your ass and doing whatever it is you need to do. Now this can be easier said than done. A constant recurring theme throughout this book has been me telling you how our thinking/awareness can hold us back. When you’re honest with yourself, you realise nobody is physically prevents us from doing something. They’re not stood in our way and blocking us off. Not taking action is usually down to an emotion or thought. It’s like how the girlfriend says to the boyfriend, Girlfriend: Okay, fine. You go out if you want. She doesn’t physically stop him going out, but he now has a feeling of guilt and so he DECIDES to stay in the house to keep his girlfriend content. So ask yourself what is actually stopping you from taking certain action? Why don’t you actually go and do it? A man likes to protect his
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A Man And His Ability For Action ego, but most of the time it’s his own feelings and emotions like fear and doubt that cause him not to do it. We can’t blame others.
FORGET TALKING AND THINKING Talking and thinking are your enemies. If you are doing one or the other, then it probably means you are wasting precious time which could be spent actually DOING IT. Man at one point did not have these two habits, which probably made his life a whole lot easier. He wouldn’t spend time going back and forth trying to assess what to do. He thought logically and just did it. Logical thinking is something which had to be ingrained through evolution in a man. You can see the differences when we compare it to the cognitive behaviours of a woman. She could spend hours going over something before finally coming to a conclusion. Don’t believe me? Just watch a girl getting ready to go out. I say that in jest, but it makes a crucial point about the difference in our evolutionary wiring. A man had to think logically so he could weigh up the odds. Once they were assessed quickly- he could act.
Man is designed to be LOGICAL and to ACT FAST. But obviously things today are not so straight forward. If you act fast then you are known to be “impulsive”. And then you get fears drilled into you about choosing to do the wrong thing. If you listen to all the crap and guidance then you are going to be lost in a shit storm for days. Our real nature wouldn’t allow us to be like that.
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PRODUCTIVITY IS ABOUT USE OF TIME Take an honest look at how you spend most of your time. Is it filled with doing stuff which doesn’t even produce anything of value in your life? Maybe it’s TV or computer games. Maybe it’s just the act of thinking and worrying for a few hours. Procrastinating is a common way to spend the majority of our time. But the ones who are successful in this life are the ones who are aligned with their natural instinct to act fast. It’s a trait you see common amongst businessmen and important leaders. I always use the example of getting with women because it is a ritual many men have experienced. The normal routine is to spot the girl across the bar, and then spend thirty minutes to an hour thinking about what she will say. The real man (and successful man) would think, “I want her” and then go talk to her. The whole process to initiate it would probably be thirty seconds compared to thirty minutes.
Ask yourself honestly, how do you spend most of your time? The best way to be productive is to get involved with things which add value to your life. Switch the hour of TV to doing some exercise or hitting the gym. Turn off the computer and read a book. Enlist in some course you’ve always wanted to do. You know your own path and available resources better than I do. My point is simply to take part in things which add to your life. Catch yourself getting caught up in all of the wrong things, even if it is simply negative thinking and procrastination.
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A Man And His Ability For Action It certainly doesn’t mean jack everything in which you find enjoyable. It just means finding a balance so you at least do something productive and valuable. The winners in life are ones who practice this principle. While you spend hours going over something, they have already signed up for it and they’re cracking on with it. The same applies for talent. If you want to be better at something then you have to practice. Every single day the talented guy spends some time practicing. While he is, the slacker would be the type to always put things off- and then he will look at the talented guy in two months time and be jealous about his skill. If only he had just got on with it in a similar fashion. But it was his own fault because he did not make the most of his time. He had the exact same time as the other guy- but he chose to use it in unproductive ways.
A man has to make the most of his time and do things which are productive. In other words, they add to his life and give him skills and increase his value. So what is the one key to being productive?
DECISIVENESS A real man has to be decisive. The act of being able to make a clearcut decision is extremely powerful. It’s the character trait of any leader who is worth his salt. If you can’t make a decision- ask yourself why. I’ll say it again- nobody is physically holding you back from taking action. It is all down to your thinking habits. You prevent yourself from deciding by thinking up worst case scenarios or trying to be “too sure” of the result.
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A Man And His Ability For Action Not all decisions are perfect, and they may be wrong more often than they are right. Nevertheless, it is still a powerful trait to have. And if you can decide quickly, then it saves yourself some time and you are already in full swing of things. A real man has to be decisive, and once again it is a trait women instinctively look for as a sign of confidence. Not being able to decide is an act of weakness. It shows you have no confidence or certainty in what you are doing. Some decisions you make rely on blind faith, but you still need the confidence to make the initial step. You may think of yourself as having a world of issues which prevent you from making decisions. At the end of the day though, it all comes down to your thinking habits. It’s the little period of time you have to “think things through”. This can often be a result of thinking emotionally instead of logically. It’s an easy habit to get caught up in. Your decision becomes attached to fears and anxiety (which are emotional triggers). A logical thinker would step back, weigh up the positive versus the negative, accept the negative- and then do it. Emotions just bring on uncomfortable feelings. You need to cultivate this habit if you want to be productive in your life so you become a man of action rather than always talking/thinking. I don’t know what your personal reasons are for being slack with decisions. All I know is it is a habit just like any other. And to build this habit- it comes with some conscious practice so you get the feel of it.
Decision making is powerful. You may not always be right, and you may be facing consequences, especially if your decision is affecting other people- But it is still something every man must have inside of him.
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CONCLUSION Being productive requires action over thinking and talking. As men, we are designed to think logically so that we are able to make decisions quickly. Over time, our emotional thinking developed- and we can latch a lot of fears and uncertainty about our ability to take the necessary leaps forward. Decisions are never easy when you attach emotions. But thinking logically by detaching yourself emotionally to look at in terms of factsyou are able to make decisions easier. The identity of a real man involves the trait of being decisive. It is associated to anything with power. When you step back and hesitate for too long- it is perceived as weakness. When somebody is known to be decisive, it instantly increases their perceived value. People will follow them because they have the subconscious edge of certainty- and certainty is really what confidence is all about. Become decisive so that you save time. You can then use this freed up time to do more productive ventures. Always strive to find things which give you new skills or knowledge. Action is key. The trigger to action is making a decision. To make a decision- you need to have the logical and mental stability to face up to it. Fortunately, man evolved this skill. Unfortunately, it has been conditioned out of many of us. Decide now to regain it.
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CHALLENGE #10: DECISION AND ACTION If you can’t decide, then you will never get to doing anything. You need to speed up your decision making time and get on with it THE CHALLENGE: 1) Make A Decision And Act On It. Burn The Bridges.
Decision means you cut off any other option. People find this hard to do because it is like sacrifice and there is no going back. If we make the wrong one, we’re screwed. As a man, you have to work on forgetting about all of that. You have to look at something you have been deliberating on for a while now. It could be something you have always wanted to do or try. It could be starting up something new. Whatever it is- decide to do it. If you don’t, then you have decided it is no longer an option for you- so get rid of any thought pulling you in to doing it any more. Live with your decision. But whatever you decide to do, burn the bridges so there is no going back. So if you want to do a course as an example- you should sign up for it straight away and put aside the money for it, or even pay it as soon as you can. Now you have to be committed to a cause set in motion. Practice this habit of constant decision. All you have to convince yourself is- you can live with the consequences (if any). With every decision you make, you will feel yourself becoming more empowered and confident as you begin to trust you decision making abilities. It will start to feel good and addictive when you see the changes it is making in your life- all by giving up the negative mental habits and committing to a decision.
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family
CHAPTER 3.4 A MAN AND HIS SOCIAL PACK AND FAMILY Let’s face it- you wouldn’t even have labels or an identity if you were not surrounded by people. When other pack animals learn the hierarchy, it’s done instinctively with body language and physical characteristics. But we as humans have to deal with our awareness. We are a species with a diverse range of personalities. On top of that, we are a species with a huge population. You could quite well feel secure and establish your position within your personal pack. But then you venture out into the world, come across new social groups- and now you’re off kilter and having to establish yourself all over again. It’s difficult to feel secure. We have to have different faces for different situations.
You are completely different with your boss than you are with your drinking buddies. With your drinking buddies you could be the top dog. You are well respected by your peers. But then you enter your workplace and there is a new dynamic. You have to shift your personality because you can’t be the top dog here. Imagine risking mocking the boss and him not taking it as well as your buddies. You have to accommodate for the different situations.
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family A real man should not have to constantly shift like this. He should be able to be the same with the boss as he is with the drinking buddies, but obviously with different mannerisms. It’s called BEING NATURAL, REAL AND AUTHENTIC.
STOP REACHING OUT I’d like to point out to you though that this is not about always striving to be in a high position and demanding respect. A man doesn’t need to always be in a high authority. You gain respect and become more likeable when you come across as natural with everybody you meet. Nobody is different from the other. Because you see, when you are insecure and you try to figure out people’s reactions to you and your perceived status- it’s easy to become jittery and unstable. You’ll always be forcing laughter and being politejust to gain some acceptance. But the difficulty with this is- once you are seen as “the nice guy”, and one day you try to assert yourself or refuse somebody’s request- they will see you in a different light. Person: You’re not as nice as I thought you were. A lot of guys fall into this trap of wanting acceptance. It’s a social pressure, and I suggested in ‘Part One’ that a guy who was a survivor learned to reject/control these uncomfortable feelings. With somebody you meet for the first time, the pressure makes you feel like you should be nice and polite. But that is not natural- it is a mask you wear until you feel comfortable. Then the “real you” comes out. Instead, we have to be more relaxed and comfortable in our own skin. We should not always be in REACTION MODE. If the boss asks something of you and you disagree- then say it. Don’t let the idea of him being the boss phase you. A man who is comfortable and secure can do
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family this with ease. He doesn’t feel the internal pressure and think, “Oh shit. He’s going to hate me now. I’ll be put on cleaning duty for a month.” Relax, and be natural. Get out of the habit of wearing different faces for different people. Think about it with women. When we meet a girl we are not attracted to, it’s easier to talk to her. But when we are attracted to her, we feel a compulsion to be polite and give all the time just to gain acceptance from her. In other words, we keep on putting people on these pedestals and it makes us reactive. We fear their reactions towards us so we try and not piss off the high value people. Imagine if you met somebody famousyour reaction would probably be the same as it is with the boss or pretty girl- but it’s not necessary.
DON’T BE A PRICK ABOUT IT But it is not a case of trying to prove you are higher than them or being dismissive. This puts you in a position of always seeking. You will deliberately start saying “no” just to assert some boundaries. A real man (a secure man) would not need to do this. He doesn’t feel as though he needs to do anything along these lines. This attitude then becomes a vibe you radiate out. Imagine if you saw Brad Pitt at the bar and you talked to him like one of your drinking buddies. Now contrast that with going up to him and being like: You: Hey Brad. Wow! Love your movie (ass kissing for acceptance). I absolutely loved you in Fight Club. How are you and the missus? He’s already thinking, “Here we go again”. Then there is the other reaction to show him he’s not all great. 151
A Man And His Social Pack And Family You: What was that last film you did all about? You’re falling off man. You need to play the old roles again. Both of them are for acceptance or trying to show you are not fazed. It’s not natural, and it certainly isn’t likeable. It comes across as insincere. A man who is natural wouldn’t feel any pressure to be reactive in any kind of way. He is content within himself and that is all that matters. Ironically, this is what people are drawn to and respond to.
The key is not to purposefully put yourself out to show what you are like. The nice guy puts himself out to show how nice and “likeable” he is. The dominating guy puts himself out to show how assertive he is. Both of them do not realise they are achieving the opposite of their intentions.
A real man’s natural ease and comfort is not proven- it is observed. So the key to being natural is not being reactive, and not being concerned about what other people are thinking of you. However, you could easily be an asshole with this mindset. So you need something extra….
HOW TO BE CHARMING You would think being un-reactive and not concerned about what other’s think is self-centred and obnoxious. True, but if you blend it with charm then you have a socially accepted personality which can do nothing but demand respect. The best way I can define charm is saying that you truly care for people. You have to genuinely appreciate others and always look for the
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family good in them. This is not insincere. You will actually find it if this is what you focus on. That way you treat each person as an individual. You also try to understand their feelings and step in their shoes to see the world through their eyes. You give them what most people want- acceptance. Another key to charm is HONESTY. Honesty gives you integrity. We always try to lie and find our way out of things, but the truth is much more effective. It doesn’t mean going out of your way to cut people up by being honest about flaws in their character. If you are coming from a place where you genuinely find the good in people, your truths will be focussed on these qualities.
When you see the good in people and you have a key value of honesty- then your communication will align with these two qualities. If you have to tell somebody you think they will not like- you still choose to be honest, but you do it in a sincere way where you are cautious with their feelings. With this kind of attitude, you can be friendly and welcoming- whilst still maintaining your integrity and respect. You are not a kiss ass, nor are you an asshole. It’s a difficult character to develop, but it becomes easy when you accomplish two things:
1) Become so secure in yourself that you do not need anything from anybody else. You don’t need praise, acceptance, approval or validation. You are just easy and content within yourself and you go through life based on how you feel. 2) You balance this with your respect for other people. You remain honest whilst being considerate of them as individuals. You accept them and let them just be.
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family Being able to achieve this attitude helps you to remain centred and aligned with your nature and identity. Next, you have to have some other underlying qualities to be fully social…
OTHER SOCIAL QUALITIES I believe that the way we react with people is like a mirror of ourselves. Whatever underlying character we have- it is expressed through the way we communicate. Every fibre of our being, in some subtle way or another, shows how we feel on the inside. So we need to build this character with core values which allow us to easily be social, but still maintain our identity as a man who is not weak and looking for anything.
1) LOYALTY We always feel a need to be loyal with those we are close to. It makes us feel protective towards them, even if it is protecting their character. We respect them, and if we ever hear anybody talking behind their back- we step in and make sure they stop doing it. If they are ever threatened or they are about to face some harsh consequences, we do whatever we can to say, “I got your back”, and with the bond of loyalty- you know they will do the same for you. If you ever want an example of loyalty- think about a dog. They would do whatever they can to be protective, even if it means sacrificing themselves. Loyalty is based on trust. We do not put ourselves out there just for anybody. It has to be earned. But this doesn’t stop you from appreciating the need for loyalty with everybody you meet.
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family In relation to how you communicate with others, you value that nobody wants somebody going against them. You treat everybody with integrity and respect- and you are loyal about this. If you did everything for everybody- you would soon wear yourself out. And that is why honesty and integrity are such an important part of being loyal. You do your best to help others in any way you can. And your reputation for being honest means that when you say “No”- they will understand you truly cannot do it, and they will respect that. So for loyalty: do whatever you can for people, and more for those who have earned it. Do your best to never let them down and always be honest about what you can and cannot do. Don’t force something because that is a sign of weakness and in search for acceptance. This is not something which can be proven in the beginning. It has to be observed and experienced with you. So to demonstrate your value of loyalty, you need to first put yourself out there, and you do that by….
2) INVESTMENT You have to put yourself out there for other people. You have to invest something, whether it is your time, attention or interest. You initiate and you make requests. You invite them along with you and ask them to join in. It’s a welcoming and pleasant vibe about you. You are not stuck up your own ass and distant from everybody until they prove themselves to you. You don’t even need anything first- you offer it. This is what the nice guy does, but he can go too far with it. “Here, take my TV- it’s yours”. You have to start small. Investing your time in somebody by asking them to come join you is a small investment. But even though it is small, it still says a lot about you and your character. So start investing in people. Don’t wait for them to do it to you first. It can even be as small as striking up a conversation about themselves
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family and you giving them some attention. It’s one of the vital things in being social- otherwise you are going to left out in the cold.
3) CALM ASSERTION FOR RESPECT When you invest, you can’t give everything, and you can’t do it all of the time. Let’s say you have spent some time with a new buddy. The next day, he calls you up and wants to meet up again. I think maybe you were a bit TOO charming. Ah, the responsibility of a man with respect. Anyway, you can’t make it. If you are not secure, some part of you will feel the sinking pressure of letting this guy down. If you feel this, it’s quite ease for you to feel very apologetic, but this act of perfuse apologising makes you appear weak. What reason have you to be apologetic? You shouldn’t even be feeling guilty enough to apologise. The right response would be to just say you can’t, you are busy, but you will some other time. Then when you next get a chance, you initiate to meet back up- loyalty, integrity, investment and assertion all in one. Try it with the example of somebody talking behind your friends back. The temptation would be to lash out and put them down for doing it. But by doing this you instantly put up other peoples defences. It’s similar to ‘fight or flight’ response. Even if their argument is not valid, it will still get their back up to argue it. Think of ‘The Godfather’. He wasn’t one to try dominate with his assertion. He acted as though he had a lot of respect (which he did). So the best response in this instance would be to call them up on it, ask them why they feel so negative towards them, and then say “okay, I understand that, just don’t talk behind their back. It’s an insult”. You were charming enough to get their point of view before snapping like a bulldog, and you were assertive enough to call them up on it and then ask them not to do it, at least in your presence.
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A Man And His Social Pack And Family So try not to snap. Think about Vince Vaughn’s character in ‘Swingers’ called Trent. Mikey had almost ruined his chances with a girl by pointing it out he was looking at her. Trent could have easily been pissed off and said, “Don’t do that you idiot”. But hey, he is a cool guyhe could handle it. So all he said was, “Ah It’s okay Mikey” and went about his business. He was cool because he was un-reactive. He was secure enough within himself to not get riled up. The thing is, you can only be as calm as the situation. If there is a big argument between two of your friends going on, I doubt a “Hey guys, relax.” will be enough to calm things down. You would have to be at the same level as the argument with your assertion.
You get into a rapport and mirror the energy level with your assertion. You do it with the “quiet bickering” situation. You do it with the fight about to break out, and you also do it with the friend you have to let down. The bottom line is, do not always give in to the social pressure, and don’t feel as though you have to force your assertion. Match the levels of the situation, and be understanding of everybody’s point of view by seeing it through their eyes or asking. This way you do not lose any respect or deface your own character by being too reactive/explosive.
CONCLUSION A man has to be very secure when it comes to interacting with everybody else in this world. He can get pulled by ideas and beliefs in al kinds of different directions. To prevent this from happening, he has to do one thing- and that is to go through life on his own internal reference. He goes by how he feels and what he believes- and he ensures he doesn’t let anybody sway him. This could be misconstrued as stubborn 157
A Man And His Social Pack And Family and selfish, but when it is done in the right way- he realises he doesn’t have to force anything on other people or even prove to them he is right. If it works for him- then it’s good enough. He has made his own decisions on what to think and how to behave- and he lives with it. From this mentality he can start being natural with everybody. He doesn’t need to put on different faces. He doesn’t think, “I have to react to this person in this way because of (enter reason)”. This is what is fundamental to anybody who is real and authentic. They do not change for anybody. A man certifies this by believing and looking for the best in anybody he meets. He comes from a place where he treats everybody equally and individually. He doesn’t put them on a pedestal, and he doesn’t feel he has to be higher than them in status. When chooses to let others observe his attitude, rather than explain and force it on them- then his presence radiates out strength and confidence. He is a man who is unshaken by other people, no matter how they react or behave with him. Whatever it is, he is cool and he knows he can handle it.
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A Man And His Sexual Nature
CHAPTER 3.5 A MAN AND HIS SEXUAL NATURE If my intuition is right, you may have seen this chapter title in the contents and skipped right up to this part- so I best make it a good one. In actual fact, this part of being a man should be so innate and instinctive that you do not need any guidance. However, it is one of the traits humans have had kicked out of them throughout history. Too many consequences have been attached to the act of sex that it’s hard to know how you should feel about it. What kind of consequences? Well, you have emotional attachment; committing adultery; trying it on with the wrong girl; sexual diseases; pregnancy; performance anxiety to enhance the sexual experience beyond three minutes; the seduction process and understanding the modern mating rituals…. I’m sure you get the idea. Something so natural has been distorted, so it is up to me in this chapter to convince you that you are ABSOLUTELY FINE and right to be sexual. It is a deep rooted instinct within your nature and your biology. So let us get through the fluff of what society has conditioned us to believe so that you can align back with being sexual, and then you can communicate it in the right way.
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OVERRIDE YOUR CONDITIONING A lot of men can feel guilty about being sexual. Or if they do not feel guilty, they communicate their sexual lust in the wrong way. They hesitate and act unconfident about it. They do things like sexual innuendos just to see if the girl bites back. But you can go too naughty too quickly and it makes the woman feel uncomfortable. Men and women approach the act of sex in different ways. Men think about it being a quick process, but women need to be “warmed up” to the idea. Let us go back to nature… The way it would have worked without language would have been the woman displaying herself, and then the strongest male coming over and having her.
Nowadays, that basic mating ritual is still the same, only the way in which you prove your strength is done in different ways. Think about how the cliché bad-boy scenario would work. He pulls up in front of the girls looking sexual, like they wear revealing clothes and draw attention to themselves. The bad boy says, “Hop on” and off they go. If only it was that simple. The majority of women are subjected to a lot of conditioning, and rightly so. They have the biggest investment of all when they “agree” to have sex with a man. The biggest factor for a woman was once pregnancy. But now, because of contraception and protection- this problem has been some what changed. Although, we still see an abundance of clueless teenagers not doing it right.
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A Man And His Sexual Nature Next is the caution she feels about her Social Status. A girl has to be very careful about her reputation amongst her peers. She doesn’t want to come across as easy and willing. For all she knows, you could be one of those guys who go around bragging about who he has slept with. Her friends could see it and judge her for being so easily manipulated. Even though she may not be getting pregnant or planning a relationship, a woman is still hard wired for long term commitment. She has to be. If she had a child a baby will be inside of her for nine months and then the child is around her forever. Her biology doesn’t know she has a condom or the pill. And this can cause a lot of confusion and conflict. So that’s basically a woman’s main anxieties about being sexual. However, that’s only the woman’s side of things….. A man is conditioned “to keep his tackle between his legs” so to speak. He is tarred as a player and a pig if he sleeps with a high number of women. He’s called a pervert if he eyes up a girl he likes the look of. And then, he’s laughed at by the girl’s friends if his attempt at trying to get with her is obvious and it fails. There are a lot of negative connotations to a man’s sexual behaviour and advances.
Yet after all of this conditioning- people are still having sex, so take this conditioning lightly. The only thing conditioning has done is make us more hesitant and apprehensive. But a real man would not feel like he has to apologise for being sexual. It’s natural and innate. He shouldn’t have to tame it or get rid of it- he just has to learn a few principles to find a balance within a modern world. Before that, let’s talk about ATTRACTION.
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WHAT WOMEN FIND ATTRACTIVE We are all wired on some deep level to be drawn to certain traits. It’s confusing now because we all have our own different requirements and types. Some men like blonde women. Some women prefer hairy men. Some men prefer the bigger lady. Some women prefer a bad boy. Some women go for the provider type. Some men like a girl being sexual. It all depends on various factors, and it appears like there is no constant truth. If you go beyond the surface level of things, you can get to the INSTINCTIVE attractive qualities. For example, I don’t care if you like blondes, redheads or purple hairyou would prefer a girl with long healthy hair, right? I don’t care what body appearance you go for, you would prefer to have a girl who is younger than you, right? There are obviously some contradictions, but at the core of- as a man- you would prefer to go for a woman who is young and healthy. That is, healthy and young enough to have your children- even if that is not your goal. You can’t even control it around certain women. You just get aroused looking at her. She has physical qualities to DIE for. Another example, I don’t care what women say, they always want a man taller than her, right? I don’t care if she is into funny men or a badass, she wants her man to be confident, right? I don’t care if she proclaims shy men are cute, she loves to have a man be decisive, right? She can’t control it when she is around a man exhibiting these traits. She is instinctively drawn to him aroused. And this happens to us because on a DEEP LEVEL our primitive brains are kicking in. The woman wanted the social guy with high status who
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A Man And His Sexual Nature could take the lead and have qualities to SURVIVE. And a man needed a woman healthy and young enough to be able to have his children and pass on his genes.
DO WOMEN APOLOGISE FOR BEING WOMEN? Once upon a time-yes, they did. Men suppressed them and kept them pristine and clean cut. She had to act “like a lady”. If she was too sexual and un-lady like, man came and put her back down. Now that she is liberated and there is a popular media influencewomen give into their nature and have cheeky fun DISPLAYING. Then when they are in a relationship, they start to slowly stop displaying themselves and drawing attention- until a little girl’s night out to get back into the habit every now and again, because it is in her nature. Until then, it’s a natural drive to get up and dance, take pictures, enjoy fashion and how to accentuate her appearance. But we would never think about telling a girl what to do now, at least not in our culture. They have fun with it and it’s great she can even be like it after so long under the thumb and rule of man.
A man has to take on this belief and question because it helps him strip away his hesitancy to be a sexual being. If he looks at a woman, a man might lower his eyes like he has been caught out. If he likes a woman, he fears escalating it further in case he is being disrespectful of her boundaries. If he wants to sleep with her, he will always be wondering when the best time to make his move is.
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A Man And His Sexual Nature All of these are signs of a man who is not aligned with his sexual nature. He feels apologetic and guilty for it. And here is the funny parteven though women may mock it, laugh about it and have a good tease about it- they would still prefer to have a man who can gladly admit he is sexual. When a man does this it shows he is very comfortable in his own skin- and that is a prerequisite of extreme confidence. He is more than happy to initiate with her and take the lead without any apologies. This is what she needs and desires.
So in order for you to at least be seen as attractive by a woman- you have to become a man who has survival potential and ability to get resources. If you are a man who aligns with this kind of nature, the temptation would be to get rampant and play by the numbers. Surely some girl has to bite to this kind of sexual behaviour, right?
COMMUNICATING IT THE RIGHT WAY You probably would take it upon yourself to be uncontrolled in your new liberated sexual mindset. But you go up and try it with a girl. Walk up to her with your extreme confidence: You: Right love, I saw you checking me out. You…me….empty car park…five minutes. I don’t think that approach would quite work. There is a ritual you have to go through. You have to develop trust and not do anything to trigger her anxieties about sex- such as her social status, it being a short term fling (i.e. you just getting up and going), and the risk of pregnancy/disease.
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A Man And His Sexual Nature For the purpose of this book I cannot go too deep into this communication. I’ve written a book prior to this one which goes through it all. Doing it here would stretch it out WAY too much.
Being sexual is all good, but if you do not follow a ritual to help the girl out in trusting you, or you triggering her worries about you and sex- then it will not happen. – Be respectful. What I will say is this in terms of your communication…
BE SEXUAL. NOT HORNY A horny man is one who is very sexual, but he is not in control of it. He does anything he can to try and plant the seed of sex in the girls mind. Or if she gives hint at sex- he jumps on it like a bulldog. She doesn’t want that. She wants to see a man who has some degree of self-control. Who knows, you may even be turning her on with your horny advances. But the thing is, she won’t feel right in giving into them. More often than not, this kind of behaviour repulses her. Too many men before you will have done exactly the same, and you have not shown any sign of trusting that she has some self-respect. It’s a slap in the face. Women instinctively believe she knows what you want when you approach her. Nevertheless, you still have to play the game by the rules, and the rules define how you should communicate. REMEMBER…. She is also playing by instinctive rules as well. Her body won’t be able to control her displaying herself like her lips swelling to look more appealing.
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A Man And His Sexual Nature If you catch these hints, you probably think it is a green light. But slow down tiger- you have to keep escalating with her in a respectable way.
WHAT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP? It’s not all about sex. You can quite easily be friends with women. But if you are a friend in her eyes before you are seen as attractive- then she will never be intimate with you. It’s an unfair rule, but it’s the way a woman manages it. If you want intimacy with her, you have to be the attractive guy from the start. Forget the Hollywood romance of her finally seeing sense and being with the best friend all along. You won’t want to play that risky little game. Intimacy and friendship run parallel with each other. That is, they will never meet. That’s why many couples find it difficult to be friends or invest in each other after a relationship has ended. You have to know what you want from the beginning. If you want intimacy with her- act as the attractive guy I have been telling you about. Do all the mating rituals of teasing, flirting and touching. Go in for the kiss, tell her she is sexy…do all the behaviours which suggest your subtle interest in her. This pulls you away from being framed as the friend.
To have intimacy with a woman, you have to risk losing her completely. If you just want her as a friend, then that is fine- go about it like you would with anybody else. It’s an unfortunate rule because friendships are nice to have. But most guys are the friend with a woman first, then they make a flirtatious move- and it makes the girl uneasy.
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A Man And His Sexual Nature Do yourself a favour- ALWAYS be the sexual and attractive guy with every woman you meet. It doesn’t mean you will sleep with every girl, in the same way a girl dancing provocatively doesn’t mean she is wanting every guy to approach her. It just makes things simpler for you. Then you will have an open choice as to where you want it to go. You can keep the friendship, but it is mixed in with a bit of sexual tension.
Always play the ‘attractive guy’ role to make things easier for you. This allows you to not fall into the trap of friendly behaviour first until you find out she is great, and then you not being able to make a move.
CONCLUSION Being a sexual man should be the easiest thing to achieve. You live with the thoughts of sex on a daily basis. But acting on these urges has been subjected to a lot of conditioning and associated consequences. Once you get past the mental block of feeling guilty and apologetic for being sexual, you can then start learning the modern mating ritual (The Game). You have to know how to communicate your sexuality in a way that does not trigger a woman’s defences to you. There is a lot at stake for her. As for being attractive in the eyes of a woman- just remind yourself of one thing…we are all instinctively attracted to a core group of qualities. For a woman, this means she wants a man I have been discussing throughout this book. He is one who has the mental and emotional capacity to SURVIVE. With these qualities he has the perfect character to achieve status, protect it, and gain resources to provide for a family. Ask yourself why a woman secretly likes a guy to be firm and assertive at times? Because it is the trait of a man who could protect,
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A Man And His Sexual Nature survive and provide. She will often test you to see if you have this backbone about you. As soon as she feels she can walk over you- then that means any man out there can too- and he could easily take anything away from you. So be this type of man and you will see a drastic change in the way women respond to you. She will align with her nature and go back to displaying herself and giving you subtle hints that she wants you. Of course, she cannot openly tell you this. And with a man’s logical mind- he goes on the facts and what he see’s, rather than reading between the lines. At the end of the day- it’s all natural. Even with all the conditioning and conflicts, people out there are still having sex and relationships are happening every day. Just get rid of your mental block, learn how to communicate as an attractive man (having the identity of a real man helps)…and this will come very easily to you. It’s nature.
CHALLENGE #11: GO AND BE SEXUAL You can’t be sexual without intimacy. You’ve already jacked in the porn/masturbation- so now you should find another way to satisfy your urges. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Make Yourself A Goal To Have Sex Within Two Weeks.
Some people who read this book may crucify me for suggesting thisbut I don’t really care. As long as it is done respectfully and carefully with protection- where is the problem?
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A Man And His Sexual Nature The main thing you should remember though is to keep your honesty and integrity in tact. You cannot go out and get this by offering a woman a long term relationship and going for the vulnerable. Be honest about your intentions, and then lead her into it if she is willing to follow. Also, be sure it is a girl you truly like to have around. She is not some quick fling to have on a short term basis. She will be one you want to stay around. It doesn’t even matter where you have sex. Do it outside if you have to if logistics (location) is a problem for you. That’s how we used to have to do it anyway, just be cautious and respectful about where it will be. And don’t worry, girls want sex too. You are not being a tyrant subjecting an unfortunate girl who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time for you to seduce. We have to remember this important fact. It is a mutual intimate act both of you will want to experience. If you can’t achieve full sex, then at least be intimate with a girl. Have cuddling and kissing. If it leads to cheeky foreplay- go along with it. Begin to remember the sensations of how beautiful a woman and intimacy feels. Just go beyond the safe boundaries of social confinement. Be a sexual man and do not apologise for wanting intimacy.
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A Man And His Emotions
CHAPTER 3.6 A MAN AND HIS EMOTIONS It’s no mystery that man has a dark side to his nature. Well, it appears that way when you look at those who have not controlled their greed and abused their power. When you take examples like Hitler- it looks extremely dark. But on a day-to-day basis, man can experience negative emotions which can destroy either himself or somebody else. It can force him to lash out and sabotage any success he has. He can cave in to his lustful desires and cheat on his girlfriend, or his jealousy can make him be manipulative towards the competition, and his pride to not look weak can force him to be aggressive.
Man has all of these emotions inside of him just ready to be triggered. I call it a dark side, but without these surges of aggression, manipulation and ego protection- man would not have survived. We can talk about a man being greedy and not satisfied, but it is this desire for more resources which gave him abundance and security. He needed to feel aggressive when somebody was affecting his status or taking what was his, otherwise he would always have to deal with the leftovers. We can’t take these emotions fully out of us. If somebody is always cutting through your garden, i.e.-your territory, you are going to feel
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A Man And His Emotions pissed off. If somebody is spreading rumours about you around your workplace, you have to step up and confront this person. If they don’t stop, you take it further. We can’t ALWAYS be the peaceful guy society would like us to be. It’s not wrong to assert yourself when you need to. The only thing you can do is find ways to control them and communicate your negative emotions in a respectful way. But what should concern you is when your negative emotions are damaging to others and you become too dominant and overbearing. You find your desires and compulsions are not in control. It can lead a man to addiction. It can also lead him to hurt those around him for all the wrong reasons. He can become his own worst enemy when his bitterness and jealousy overwhelm him. What we need to achieve is EMOTIONAL CONTROL. We want to be the cool guy who can be calm and relaxed rather than lashing out or being manipulative. He can easily confront people whenever it is needed without using force. He can control his lustful urges when the sexy blonde flirts with him behind his girlfriends back. A man has to be level headed and in control. Many of us may think we have achieved this, but we then face the problem of swaying too much to the peaceful side. We have no backbone and we let other people walk all over us. We let our girlfriend take advantage of our kind nature and she abuses it. We let the rumours continue and let it eat us up inside instead.
WHAT IS A DARK SIDE? It’s the emotions which send you back to your primitive state. Your buttons are pushed in a certain way and you can’t help but reacting in the way an aggressive primate would.
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A Man And His Emotions For example, if you are insecure- you may feel your character is being threatened. Some cower away, while others feel they have to always be on a snappy defensive. When somebody does something wrong or unjust, you don’t handle it like a mature man. Instead, your immediate response is threatening with aggression. When you see your girl talking to another guy- you don’t handle it respectfully. It triggers you to walk over to the guy and push him away. It may even make you drag your girl away as you go home and scream your head off at her for being such a bitch. The point is we react with our natural instincts when something of ours is being threatened. If you are unstable, then you will find more things feeling as though they are being threatening. But we live in a world where we should not give in to these emotional triggers on every whim. We have to learn to be cool and collected.
Our dark side is the primitive instincts inside of us. When they are triggered, we feel certain emotions which trigger negative behaviours.
BECOMING CONTROLLED A man who isn’t in control is impulsive and reactive. He finds the smallest of things trigger him off. It’s difficult for him to swallow his pride and do what would make things a whole lot easier. You may feel like you don’t struggle with these reactions. You’re a relatively calm guy who doesn’t have much trouble. Great! But also ask yourself why you haven’t had much trouble. I imagine if you put yourself in a number of different situations, you would eventually face something which tests you.
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A Man And His Emotions Sure, you can reach a point where you don’t react anymore. You’re cool- you let the situations go over your head before you let them rile you up and let testosterone do the rest. But every man at some point or another faces something which triggers his primitive dark side. If you haven’t, then it is probably because you live a very sheltered life. Your behaviours are to get out of there before it gets more emotions involved. Because once it does- it’s too painful for you, and you HAVE to do something about it. Go and see how much you can endure. This is how you learn to be cool and unfazed under certain pressures. A stable man thinks to himself, “I can handle this”. An unstable man becomes like the animal being trapped in a corner. He does whatever he can to “save himself”.
You need to get out there and gain some new experiences to see how emotionally stable you really are. You need to see if you are a weak man who always runs for cover when things get rough.
THE REASONS YOU REACT I could give you a list of emotions like frustration and anger, but there has to be something happening to cause these emotions. I can’t personally talk for everybody, but I imagine the biggest part of our reactions from a primitive standpoint is our survival and protection instincts. Say for instance you think a guy is after your girl. This means he may take something away from you- so you do whatever you can to prevent it. And this could cause different behaviours, like checking up on her, being possessive and controlling etc. Let’s use the example of somebody spreading rumours about you. It is ruining your social reputation, and other peoples perceptions of you matter- and this could get you angry and riled up. So you have to
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A Man And His Emotions confront this guy, and doing it with anger causes you to become aggressive with your tone, body language and gestures. How about when somebody invades your personal space or territory? It could be something as simple as an overhanging tree or a noisy neighbour disrupting you. It gets you frustrated. Or when you are trying to figure something out or do some DIY but you keep messing it up/getting it wrong. But your pride won’t let you give up- you persist without any help and you get even more frustrated with yourself. Later on, you start snapping at other people and it burdens you for the rest of the day. It could be a number of reasons. I am merely suggesting to you that the negative emotions and behaviours triggered from these situations cause you to become reactive. You feel like you have no sense of control over them. The truth is though- you do have control. And this is why you need to IDENTIFY yourself as a man who is cool, collected and mature. Keeping composed while dealing with certain situations enables you to demand respect. By being volatile, possessive or controlling- you run the risk of making people feel on edge when they are around you. The hardest thing is you may end up dealing with difficult people in your life who clash with you. People are diverse in their personalities and behaviours. Some may purposefully try and be a pain in the ass or get a rise out of you. This is where at times you will feel your instincts being triggered. As I said, you won’t ever be able to fully get rid of them. They are inside you and hard wired. It is up to you to mentally control them- and it could be as easy as changing how you perceive what is happening.
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THESE INSTINCTS ARE HARD-WIRED I wouldn’t dare to suggest to you always be passive. You don’t have to be a Zen like monk. At the end of the day- you are a man. You are more in tune with these instincts because they ensured your survival. Look at a woman. We can say a woman would never start a war etc etc- but they have never had to develop the hard-wired instincts to be aggressive and protective. She has never had to always be faced with situations where she had to assert her dominance against somebody being threatening. Our biology is fuelled with testosterone for a reason. The chemicals in our brain get put in the mix to give rise to these inner feelings. You won’t find any quick fixes to achieve control of something so innate. It has to come through experience, maturity, and a choice. Hopefully, if you identify yourself a real man- you will have a belief which suggests you do not need to be so reactive.
You are a man. You cannot fully get rid of your instinctsthey serve a purpose. However, you have to find a balance so you can still demand respect and assert yourself.
FINDING A BALANCE Think of this as a spectrum. You can be passive about everything in your life, or you can flip to your dark side. But being assertive is not a behaviour associated with your dark side. You can be assertive and protect what is yours while still maintaining your composure. This is why I try and distance myself from mentioning terms like ‘alpha’ or ‘dominant’. The ‘alpha guy’ always feels like he has to assert his dominance. But for me, I would much rather be the cool and un-
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A Man And His Emotions reactive guy who knows how to be calm and assertive when the situation calls for it. I wouldn’t want to strut myself out like I’m always demanding respect. If you are this kind of guy, do yourself a favour and get over it. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Instead, aim on being the guy who steps back from whatever is going on, looks at the bigger picture, thinks to himself “I can handle this”, and then asserts himself through
CONCLUSION Our dark side is the collection of negative behaviours which are triggered through certain emotions. When we can’t control these responses, we become impulsive and reactive. We are only doing what nature intended us to do, but we live in a world where it should not be required anymore- at least not initially. We can feel the emotions being triggered in a certain number of situations. It often happens when we feel something of ours is being threatened and we become protective- either through aggression, sabotage and manipulation. If you are a cool guy and a mature man- you find these kinds of behaviours your last resort. You demand respect through your communication. You are logical enough to think up solutions without trying to become all macho like a grey back gorilla defending his territory. Yes, it is our nature- and this dark side has to be controlled in order to live in a modern world. How do you control it? It’s all about the right mindset. You will never get rid of these instincts because they hard-wired into your physiology and biology. All
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A Man And His Emotions you can do is work towards keeping a level head about you. You have do whatever you can to distance yourself from these reactions. It could be through means of relaxation, or finding some healthy substitute to harness your behaviours in a controlled way. But don’t feel as if you have to be a boy scout. Be a man, and use this part of your nature whenever you have to- just don’t do it unnecessarily.
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CHALLENGE #12: BEING COOL AND UNREACTIVE It would be a funny little challenge to just watch ‘The Fonz’ and learn it. But, alas, we need to find different ways to clear our head, stay focussed, and tame our impulsive reactions. THE CHALLENGE: 1) Find Some Ways In Which You Can Relax Or Harness Your Pent Up Energy.
It’s hard to relax nowadays. Our head gets cluttered with all the work and the stress. It’s easy to get frustrated and volatile. This pent up energy gets us closer to our primitive state because our consciousness isn’t clear enough- so we go back to our roots. Get involved in something. I would suggest meditation, but to be honest that bores the hell out of most people. Just find something you can do for 20 minutes a day to unwind. It could be as simple as a daily walk/jog, reading a book, going to play a sport- just anything to break you away and get some release. Why not even use sex? It’s a release and probably why most men get frustrated a lot easier. Twenty minutes a day isn’t a lot, but it clears your head so you are not stressed out so easily.
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A Fully Defined Identity
CHAPTER 3.7 A FULLY DEFINED IDENTITY If you were to use the identity of a man to define yourself- what exactly would it mean? For example, when you say “I am a comedian” you are expected to be funny. So what kind of behaviours and traits are associated with being a man? Up until now I have painted a picture for you about a man’s innate nature. This is our natural instincts from the beginning, and they still reside within us even today. They do not just disappear- we have adapted and evolved with them. These natural instincts and biology ensured our survival. And then, over time, we have been conditioned and influenced to become civilised and suppressing this authentic nature. But a man needs to feel like a man. The only way to ever really do this is by “getting in tough with his roots”. To do so, he has to know what a man is so he can align with his nature and know how he should behave.
A man will feel something inside of him driving him towards it, but if his mental blocks and conditioning get the best of him- he’ll never align with it and he’ll never feel secure/comfortable within himself.
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A Fully Defined Identity So in ‘Part Three’, I have defined the identity of a man who is balanced between his primitive instincts and his conditioning. A list of traits would not have been useful. It would have just been words. So the best way would be to give you a sense of what a man is at his core- and then that will radiate out into everything you do. Every man instinctively wants to aspire to being a leader and powerful. He wants to be the guy every man wants to be, and every woman wants to have. You could argue that is egotistical, but it is in our nature to feel this way. To have power and respect means to have abundance. Nobody would dare try to take anything from you. It meant having control, rather than always fearing your resources being stripped from you or having to always defend them. I have tried to define man through the different ways he interacts and adapts. These are essentially: -
His every day attitude. The way he interacts with himself. His work ethic. How he creates resources with productivity. His social persona. How he interacts with other people. His sexual desires. How he interacts with women. His emotions. How he harnesses his primitive instincts.
All of them combine to the essential core of what a man is- based on his attitude and behaviours. I’m sure you could find more if you looked hard enough, but I find these to be the most important. Even though a man may aspire to leadership, power and abundanceit’s not a realistic goal on a big scale. A smaller and more attainable goal would be to just aspire to be a great man within his own life. He is not in constant competition with other men to “reach the top”. It is an individual goal for his personal life.
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HOW A MAN SHOULD BE So when you think of how a man should be, this will be the mentality and attitude you align yourself with. He is balanced and a leader within his own life. He is the same survivor and protector we once were thousands of years ago. We align with this nature because it is within every part of our neurology and biology. We then take on this nature, and align it with the right ideals of today. We never shake from it, and we never let anybody convince us that it is the wrong way to be. No matter how much people may unconsciously “put down” the idea of a man- you know you are one who is balanced. You strive to be your best, and you look out for your pack and those around you. You have the emotional and mental strength to be cool and un-reactive, and this gives you the capability to be a man people depend on. It gives you respect and admiration. As you walk through life- your presence is all you need to show the man you are. It comes from your core, and it radiates out through your body language and the way you communicate. It also shines through your responses to life’s little tests and challenges.
A MAN AND HIS EVERY DAY ATTITUDE *He takes on the attitude of doing whatever it takes to get what he wants. When he feels the drives and urges- he strives for it rather than waiting for it to come to him. *He comes from a place where he imagines he has nothing or no easy substitutes. He HAS to take some action- otherwise he would remain having nothing. He has no time for bullshit excuses or self-doubt. *Taking it like a man means HE ACCEPTS his role and what he has to do. He doesn’t whine or complain about it. He takes it on and faces whatever consequences lie ahead of him. It could even be something
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A Fully Defined Identity small like sacrificing something pleasurable. Either way, he cultivates the attitude of ‘Doing whatever it takes’. *A man feels empowered when he takes action. Instead of always wishing and hoping, he comes from a place where he KNOWS he can make it happen. *He applies this mentality every day and in everything he does. He knows man was not designed to pretend he is content, or talk himself out of things. If we did that in our primitive times- we would not survive. Surviving in today’s world means taking on this exact core nature.
A MAN AND HIS PRODUCTIVITY *His every day attitude compels him to do more with his time. He works towards building his value and excelling in certain areas. *He knows that how he uses his time is of great importance to his overall lifestyle and success. He can look at another man he admires, see his success- and then realises the man is doing something different in the 24 hours a day, 7 a days a week. *He perceives his work and his craft as his form of pleasure. This way he can do what he loves/enjoys to do whilst maintaining a comfortable lifestyle with substantial income. *He makes decisions logically and quickly. He detaches his emotions so that he is not going around in circles second guessing what he should or should not do. *Being decisive saves him time and makes him more productive. He would rather be doing action and failing, rather than staying still and not learning from experience. *He knows his decisions may sometimes be wrong, but he takes it like a man. He logically weighs up the positives and negatives- and then he burns the bridges so there is no going back. This move propels him forward and forces him to commit to giving it his all. 182
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A MAN AND HIS EMOTIONS *Every man has a dark side lurking underneath him. At our present times, we have come to perceive these as negative- but in primitive times they were essential to our survival. *A man cannot fully get rid of them. He can suppress them, but he runs the risk of being too suppressed. *A real man accepts his dark side, embraces it, and develops his ability to control it- and uses it to his advantage when he needs to, rather than cutting it off completely. *He can easily be firm and assertive when he has to. He can step up to defend his character and anything else which is important to him. He doesn’t sit back and let people walk all over him. *He doesn’t use this dark side to become the alpha and overrule everybody else. He doesn’t cave in to his dark side with emotions like greed and anger. He has enough flexibility to control his primitive urges. *He is stable and cool. This means he is not reactive and explosive. *He is secure in himself so he doesn’t see everything as a personal challenge or threat. *He knows when he harnesses his dark side in the right way- it is extremely powerful. When he does it in a controlled way, he even gains the respect from those around him.
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A MAN AND HIS SOCIAL MENTALITY *A man does not have to wear different faces for different people. He is secure and comfortable that he does not change his approach with anybody. *This comfort in his own skin makes him naturally likeable and respected. *He does not put people on a pedestal above him, nor does he try to be put on a pedestal himself. He is content with his own internal reference. Perceptions of him do not even cross his mind- he is confident enough to not need to question how he is. *He has self-awareness. He often steps back and see’s if he is being true to himself and his core values. He doesn’t see something wrong and then try to defend his ego. He takes responsibility for his character. *He treats everybody with respect and see’s them as individuals. He tries to find the good in everybody. *However, this does not mean he goes out of his way for everybody. He knows how to choose the right people who become important and worth his time, energy and attention. *He is honest. By seeing the good in people, he doesn’t communicate with criticism and judgement. He doesn’t even try to argue others out of their points of view to agree with his. He speaks his opinions and that is enough. He is not trying to make any converts or assert he is right. *To those close and important to him- loyalty is his core value. He does his best to help them out and protect them. He even sacrifices himself to give them what they need. He only does this to those he knows will do the same. *But he still invests in everybody on some level. He doesn’t outcast anybody. This is the part of his natural charm and ease with anyone he meets.
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A Fully Defined Identity *No matter who it is though- he still knows he has to assert himself occasionally. If he feels somebody is doing something wrong or in need of some direction, he will do it in the right way. This is the responsibility of every man. He doesn’t do it for selfish needs- just to set boundaries and keep the pack in sync. *He knows the kinds of people he doesn’t have time for, and he will gladly cut them off. He lets nobody take advantage of him. And a man who is cool and secure within himself will know when this is being done to him.
A MAN AND HIS SEXUAL NATURE *A man is sexual, and he does not apologise for it. He doesn’t take the social conditioning and negative perceptions of this desire personally. He knows it is not logical to suppress something so innate and natural. *He has full respect for women. He understands their fears with relationships and sex- and he remains honest throughout every interaction with them. *He knows women instinctively feel attracted to a man who is aligned with his nature. She finds it difficult to control her responses to him, in the same way a man finds it difficult with a woman he finds ultimately attractive. *He doesn’t feel bad for escalating with a woman because he knows he has her best interest at heart. He doesn’t do it for his own personal goals such as “just sex”. He knows she feels good being around a real man who is secure, confident and comfortable. It allows her to feel like a woman. *A man is not horny- he is sexual, and he knows how to differentiate the two terms. A horny man appears desperate. He throws out sexual comments to see if she bites on the line. But a sexual man gives no explanation. It radiates out of him. He thinks to himself, “I want her, and
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A Fully Defined Identity I know I am going to have her.”- and you can feel the tension and energy. *A man takes it upon himself to learn the mating rituals. He doesn’t just settle for the first girl who gives him attention. He purposefully does his best to figure it out, so that neither he nor the woman feel unsatisfied and lost. It gives him the opportunity to take the lead, and guide any woman down an emotional ecstasy. *He never forces himself on to a woman. If his advances do not succeed, he may persist- but eventually he can easily accept not every girl will want him. He doesn’t flame her and label her as a bitch and show any sign of bitterness. *A man can control the jealousy fuelled by his dark side. He doesn’t react and become needy. He knows that whatever happens- he can handle it. His assurance and confidence suppress the urge to try keeping his eyes on her and controlling her.
CONCLUSION I admit it is difficult to get a full representation of how a man should be just by reading through a few chapters in a book. I imagine that while you have read this, you have had flashes of images about how you think a man would appear. He is probably standing tall and able to stare down any other man. Just by looking at him you can tell there is something strong about him. While he walks through a room, every woman stares as him as she licks her lips. His presence just oozes confidence. And if anything, this is all that it takes to feel and behave like a real man. It is about FULL ACCEPTANCE OF HIMSELF so that he has the right to be confident, secure and assertive. When he accepts himself, he isn’t always being unstable in the presence of others. He doesn’t relate to himself based on what others think of him. He comes from an INTERNAL REFERENCE point. 186
A Fully Defined Identity Hopefully you picked up on this point as you read through ‘Part Three’. Everything can be thrown at a man. There will be certain actions he has to take. He will interact with awkward and difficult people. He will have emotionally vulnerable women. He may make the wrong decision. It could be ANYTHING- and yet, somehow, he can take it in his stride and keep on going.
It is the characteristic of a man who had to once survive in the wild with nothing, and so it is the man necessary to live today- but just with a few little tweaks to handle emotions and thinking. You know deep down how you should be when you define yourself as a man. The only difficulties are the conditioning and unfortunate problem of not being shown how to handle our thinking and our emotions. The image you had in your mind all along will probably be a damn close representation of a real man. So now that you have a clear idea of what it means when you say, “I am a man”…you now have to learn how to ingrain it within you. Otherwise we will do the action I said all the way back in the introduction. You will keep snapping back to how you are now. You need to actually get out there and FEEL it, with the constant affirmation of you being a man. You shouldn’t sit around, waiting until you feel it, and THEN get out there. That will never happen. You have to realise you must be involved with real life experience as you think about it. And with this definition, you will be thinking in the right way with the right connections being made inside yourself.
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PART FOUR Identity Shift Now that you have the knowledge, you have to make a conscious effort to make your identity become permanent so you do not have to always remind yourself to be it- you can just be.
Feeling It And Ingraining It
CHAPTER 4.1 FEELING IT AND INGRAINING IT Okay, so the initiation process for us can’t be as dramatic as going to kill a lion or taking some hallucinogenic drug. It’s not even as intense as a final assault course and weekend mission to officially label you as part of the armed forces. But when you look at initiations, you see there is a common theme. They either have something distorting your reality, or you do something extreme to show how far you have pushed yourself. Then they often include something symbolic like a marking to certify your shift. You look at it and it reminds you of what you have achieved. Just imagine how the boy would feel killing that lion with his own hands. He will have watched other men around him doing it and telling him, ”One day, you will be able to do this, and you will become a man”. He would be changed forever. It will be a symbolic day when he brings back the killed lion and shown everybody what he could do. I’m using tribal initiations as an example because these are the beginning forms of initiations. But ‘initiation’ is just a fancy word to mean “the act of starting something new”. In other words, you have transformed beyond your old self. For us, this means going beyond the weak and insecure state of a boy, and becoming the man who is prepared to be a leader and look after his own family. 190
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A BOY BECOMING A MAN It’s upsetting for us to see a young child in a third world country looking after his family. The eight or nine year old is taking on the male role too young. We know that on some level. But that’s the trouble with our culture- it’s all about age and external attributes, but an age is just a number, and just because you have chest hair- that doesn’t mean you are FULLY developed as a man mentally. There is never any real transition for us MENTALLY. I’ve seen many examples where there have been accidental pregnancies at an age of around 17, and the parents saying to their child: Parents: Now you must become a man and take responsibility. The guy is just thrown into it. But that could actually be a good thing if he has a backbone for responsibility. If not, he’ll want to reject it. It’s too much too fast. If he has had a lot of freedom- why would he want to give that up? The idea of being a man is represented as being mature, sensible, and worst of all- old. It’s not seen as “glamorous”. Perhaps it is our own faults. We try to reject the idea of becoming a man because it is a sign of getting older and having to become mature. We have too much fun when we can do away with responsibility. We would rather stay as the little boys. And I know I’m making a big generalisation by saying that. It’s like saying we only make the transition when we are GIVEN certain responsibility- Because, after all, would we want to give it to ourselves?
When you first of all decide and give yourself some real responsibility- that is the beginning of your initiation. If you don’t, you will always be waiting for it- and that day will never come until you choose to take it and make it happen for yourself…and 191
Feeling It And Ingraining It do away with the safety of being a boy. We never seem to get it nowadays at the critical points in our development- so we have to suffer the inner consequences of missing out. Sure, we may look like a man, and some may know our age and think, “Hmmm, shouldn’t he be doing X, Y and Z by now?” But that is all external. It never makes the shift internally to affirm our own identity as a man.
WE KNOW HOW WE SHOULD BE No, really, we do. We can’t put our fingers on what it is- we just know something inside of us is missing. And I believe this to be our inner nature niggling away at us and calling out. And we probably feel this way because we KNOW we missed out on something important. We are probably past our teenage development phase- so we just carried on lost and unknowing as to what it is that will help. But that still doesn’t stop it from being there. It is your nature, and you cannot take that out of you. You can suppress it and try to live contented in your insecurity- but I’m assuming you don’t want to settle for that. So another piece of this initiation puzzle is ACCEPTANCE.
You have to accept your role of being a man. You have to admit it will never leave you. When you accept it, you have it strengthens your ability to take responsibility for it as I suggested earlier. Getting a new job promotion to have more responsibility or having a baby should not be the calling cards for you to become a man. It should be taken on by you as soon as possible. It’s gone beyond waiting for something to happen- we have to make it happen. We’ve already 192
Feeling It And Ingraining It established by now that nobody is going to do it for you. They will just see you in situations and say to you, “Be a man about it”. It’s no real help. So start to accept that you are a man. You don’t need anybody telling you that you are- you already know it. You don’t need the lion killing to affirm it. You know it, and you are aware of it. It is only the conditioning you have experienced which has drifted you away. At our “developed” stage in life (I’m assuming you may be 17 or older) our initiation is first of all a mental shift. Acceptance opens the gates to making this shift happen. You accept that it can’t be any other way. By doing so it only causes you torment and I’m sure it has many of times throughout your life. To accept it- just admit to yourself you have a role and a nature to fulfil. It is for the benefit of you and for the benefit of all those around you. Your inner strength and confidence will give others strength and confidence.
Accept that you know you cannot avoid the role of a man any longer. You know how you should be- you just need to face up to it and admit it. And then the final piece of the mental shift…
BELIEVING YOU ARE READY You hear the cliché line before any initiation. “Okay, I think you are ready for the final test”. It always comes after a montage of improvement- you know that old chestnut. But the final test can only come after a progression of little improvements over time so you can say “I’m ready”. We don’t have anything like that to work towards. We are either convinced we are ready now- or we never will be.
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Feeling It And Ingraining It For the young boys who get initiated into manhood- they had somebody guiding them. A man would look on (probably the father figure) and say he was ready for it. We get something similar, but it’s always in ways like I’ve been suggesting- pregnancy, job promotion, getting married etc. This is why I am emphasising the importance of a mental shift. We should not have to wait for events to happen. We should get the mentality right, and then go out to make whatever we want to happen. A belief is nothing more than a feeling of certainty about something. Nobody ever really knows the truth. You can even have a collected truth which forms into a belief- but even they can be changed if somebody creates enough doubt about it. So the difficulty with this belief is you have spent so long NOT feeling ready- or at least that is how you feel. But let me ask you, when will you reach that feeling of being ready?
The truth for us is- we will never be certain of feeling ready to take on the role of this new identity. It is a leap of blind faith. What I do find that helps is to believe you cannot wait any longer for it. This creates an internal pressure. It builds and builds as you think about all of the opportunities you have missed (remember, thinking has to have feelings/emotions attached for it to be motivating). When the pressure builds, it becomes inescapable. It’s along the lines of hunger or, ahem, being too aroused. The compulsion is to ACT on itand you do anything to relieve it. So in short, the only way to overcome the “not feeling ready” is to create enough internal pressure to go against it. Otherwise, you could probably argue forever about examples and experiences to backup the belief that you are just not ready. And you can be doing that for all the wrong reasons like you are scared/nervous about taking it on.
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Feeling It And Ingraining It But many things are fearful. The tribal initiations would not have been a walk in the park for the boys. The first kill for the military children in Sparta would not have been easy. They would have felt fear and the desire to run for their life. But it was the internal pressure which kept them there. The fear of going back to the village and seeing their family disappointed in them would feel too real and close to home. It was something they could not go back to.
This is what I mean by internal pressure- the feeling of NOT doing it is too uncomfortable to bear, so you endure whatever it is you have to face. This internal pressure will not last though. It is only to put a fire under your ass so you can go get some experience with your new identity going through the forefront of your mind. However, overtime- you will reach a level of “just getting on with it” as you do now, depending on how intense your experiences are to verify your new identity. Think about now. Let’s say you fee shy and insecure on a consistent basis. You don’t even have to think about it- you just act that way. It’s that level of automatic habit that we want to reach with the identity. So far you have three principles to the mental shift: -
RESPONSIBILITY ACCEPTING YOUR ROLE BELIEVING YOU ARE READY FOR IT NOW AND PRESSURE
Now comes the important part for you to take on….
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YOU HAVE TO FEEL IT Throughout this book I have thrown in a few personal challenges. Some were actual action, while others were observation and reflection to get you focussed and thinking in a new way. If you haven’t done any of them- then you won’t reap any of the benefits in this book. It will simply be one you read, and then forget about until you come across it again in a few months time. I said earlier that thinking is passive. The thoughts fleet in and out of your consciousness without any real attachment. It has to become wired in us some how. And the only way to get it wired is by going back to our primitive ways.
Your natural primitive instincts are physical reactions- not thoughts. Hunger- that’s a natural instinct you feel, and then you know you need some food. Arousal- you see the gorgeous girl and without thinking anything, your pupils dilate and you feel as though you want her. Fearwhen you are threatened, you don’t think about it. Your natural physical reaction is to push them away or run. We can come to the conclusion then that for anything to stick- we must FEEL IT PHYSICALLY with EMOTIONAL INTENSITY. This is the only way it can become part of us. You’ve probably become frustrated over the years by just thinking. You believe thinking will be enough, then you go to sleep all buzzed about it, and then you wake up in the morning and you feel RESET. You now have to go through thinking about it all over again. But let’s say you are shy and insecure- do you have to think about it in the morning to feel it? No! That part has come ingrained in you. You don’t have to think about it. Some unconscious happenings go on inside of you and it triggers physical responses.
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Feeling It And Ingraining It And the exact same thing happens to those who feel secure and confident on a regular basis. They are WIRED to feel that way because they have had consistency in feeling it throughout their lives. Now, for them, it is…NATURAL. So even though you have prepared yourself mentally (and you will know you have because your physical body will be giving you action signals)…it’s not enough to become permanent. An internal pressure may have convinced you to buy this book. You read about it and thought, “I need to get this part of my life handled”. If you had that feeling as you read this, and you ACTUALLY DID SOME OF THE CHALLENGES- it would have been a HUGE leap to becoming ingrained inside of you.
It would have been a combination of all the points- mental awareness; giving in to your physical responses; and emotional feelings when you push through the action steps. And this is the final step after you have to push yourself through, and only you can make this happen (it goes full circle to taking responsibility). The mental processes I have mentioned will get you into the right state of mind to approach your experiences. If you go into the situation feeling like your old self, then you will act like your old self. You have to actively think like the man defined in this book. You have to allow every fibre of your being to be open to it and believe you are already a man.
With this new mental shift and urgency to align with your nature- you remind yourself “I am a man” whenever your old negative habits manifest.
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THE OLD YOU VERSUS THE NEW YOU So for example- you see the pretty girl over in the corner you want to talk to. Before, you will have been hesitant about it. You would be thinking “Should I? But what if…” But because of the pressure bubbling inside of you to FINALLY get this part of you handled- you snap yourself out of it and think: You: No! A real man wouldn’t hold back like this. He would dive right in and face whatever comes to him. Whatever happens, he would be able to handle it and brush it off because he is secure. This is the mentality you choose to align with. And you know the initial steps will be a BIG conflict inside of you. Your body may be saying to you NO, DON’T DO IT!...but you know you have to push through because the idea of NOT doing it feels even worse. You are willing to endure it. You walk up with this mental state- and you actually turn it into a success. Now, because you have ACTUALLY felt it, it becomes ingrained. It is a memory, which is only a thought- but it is a thought with emotion and feeling. You physically remember it- and that gets linked up into your primitive nature.
THINK OF INGRAINING IT LIKE LAYERS In the beginning I talked about the TRIUNE BRAIN theory. That is, our nature is lying underneath layers of advancements and evolution. We become separated from our initial nature because of these extra layers. The more extra layers there are, then the harder it becomes to penetrate through them. This is the same as building your new self with your new identity. Who you are now is like the underlay of a carpet. But with every 198
Feeling It And Ingraining It experience you go through now with this new identity and state in place- it adds another layer on top of it. The more you experience, the more layers you add. Pretty soon, you will have so many layers on top of your old self- you won’t even be able to revert back to who you were anymore. All the negative habits which have held you back will be too difficult to get to. After the young boy successfully hunts the lion- he no longer thinks of himself as a boy anymore. He now aligns with being a man. After the marine does his first real mission- he no longer sees himself as a civilian. He aligns with the definition and mentality of a marine. After the sportsman wins the Olympic gold medal and stands on that podium- he now aligns with being a true Olympian. I want to certify this in your mind so that it drives you towards taking consistent action with your new identity. I wouldn’t want you to go around in circles and thinking about it. Act on your new mentality and DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL. Do something you can feel, and affirm it by saying, “I did that”.
‘FULL IDENTITY SHIFT’ MODEL I understand on paper it sounds easy. What you feel inside yourself is too real compared to just reading something thought provoking, which is why the first step is:
1) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY Only you can make this shift happen now. Even though you may have missed out on something life changing- it’s in your hands. If you don’t, you only have yourself to blame. You should know by now everything you need to align with and how a man reacts with the world. You can probably see how you should be in
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Feeling It And Ingraining It your mind. And I understand that even though it appears to be too difficult to reach, you have to open your mind with step 2….
2) FULLY ACCEPT IT CAN’T BE ANY OTHER WAY You cannot remain the little boy anymore. I don’t know your age, but the world will automatically perceive you as a man- judging you purely on your age and your appearance. They do not know you have not developed yourself fully as a man yet. They don’t know that even though you know you should be oneyou just don’t feel it. But you should at least know and accept that you HAVE to become a man. There is no other way for it to be. You must take the steps to breaking away from your boy mentality. Nobody will offer them to you now. Acceptance means to burn bridges. You should feel like you cannot remain as you are, and you cannot go back to your old self. The initiation is a transformation, which requires step 3….
3) FULLY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE READY You may not feel ready, which is why you have to just BELIEVE that you are. You need to have openness and ask yourself, You: If not now….when? If you are honest, there will be never be a perfect time. Most of us have to rely on being thrown into something in order to convert us into something new. Even the little boy or the marine or the Olympian depend on somebody else to tell them they are ready for their final test, or to enter the contest, or to venture out alone. If you do not feel it, then create an internal pressure by knowing you HAVE to do it now. Look back over your life at emotional experiences200
Feeling It And Ingraining It and see how your life would have been different if you had the balls to act in the way you knew you should have. What opportunities have you missed? What have you passed up on? What have you regretted? The mental shift gives you a state of mind similar to the drives of our primitive nature. Our body will be giving us GUT INSTINCT signals to do something. You know this is something you may have to do in the beginning. You have too many layers and reminders of your old self to penetrate through. But as a man- you are not going to give up on it till you have done what you set out to do. Then…the final step…
4) ACTUAL PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR IDENTITY You will align with the identity defined in this book, and the identity you have known all along inside of you. You will not talk yourself out of doing something- you will want to ACT and BEHAVE and FEEL like man you know you should be.
The old you (the little boy) may have turned away, but as a man- you step up. If you don’t, then it tears you up inside to know you are not aligning with your identity- so you will do anything to not break away from it. It is your character, and the identity is something that defines who you are. Without it, you just lose your sense of self. The actions you take will align with what you have defined as being a man. You go back thinking about the rich kid versus the rough neighbourhood kid. You realise the importance of a well defined identity. So now, you act upon the balanced definition. 201
Feeling It And Ingraining It And you understand that repetition adds more layers over your old self, till it is something you can’t get back to anymore. You don’t have to wake up convincing yourself to be it- you just live it everyday because it is who you are- it is your new self.
CONCLUSION Being a man isn’t about having the appearance or being at a “mature age”. It is based on how you feel, how you react, and how you behave. You cannot develop the ways in which you feel react and behave purely by thought. You need to test yourself with new experiences, because you could easily think and imagine how you SHOULD or WOULD act- but your physical responses may cause you to behave differently. Weakness is the perceived enemy of any man. We all aspire to be the leader and secure man who is well respected by his peers. But to become this man- we have to shift from being the boy. We have to work towards developing our manhood and “right of passage” to being a man. It is on us now to make the shift. Whether you are 17, 23, 45- it doesn’t matter. Our right of passage is long over due, and we have to realise nobody will lead us into it. We take responsibility now for making it happen. Making the shift is a combination of getting into the right mental state; deciding to align with your new identity by accepting it; and then acting in ways which are aligned with it. It sounds simple, and you may have inner conflicts which deter you away from it. Nobody can convince you to override the feelings you must endure. It’s up to you to convince yourself that you MUST do it.
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Living With It Every Day
CHAPTER 4.2 LIVING WITH IT EVERY DAY Living with this new identity may be a complete turn around to how you have always been. As well as the world’s methods of influencing you, you also have your biggest influence of all- the social perception of you. Your family and friends know you and they accept your personality/character. In other words, they know your status and place in the pack. When you start to change, they may feel as though it could be affecting their own status- and they may try to pin you back down. Having said that, it could mean they are doing it for your own protection. In their minds they see it as you trying too hard to become something you’re not. Others may think you are getting too big for your boots and they feel threatened by it. My point is this- you may get a lot of judgements thrown at you. And just like the conditioning you have experienced throughout your life, these may cause you to slip back into your old ways. You were safe from ridicule and criticism then.
But this is something you must face and accept. It is the sign that you are becoming a leader in your own life. You are becoming your own man.
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Living With It Every Day You are breaking away from the cell you have confined yourself in. Now, whatever judgements you may face- you just have to accept these and take them like a man. You don’t have to prove you are right or show your need to change. You respect their opinions, and continue on becoming how you want to be. This is not something you should be fearful of- it’s something you should embrace. It means you are changing and people are noticing it. You must be doing something right. Just keep on reminding yourself that you are hurting nobody. You are working towards being a well balanced man. You bring no harm to anybody, and you are not stepping on people and killing their selfesteem. If anything, you are becoming somebody they can eventually look up to. It requires you to be stubborn and sometimes a bit selfish. People may offer you “emotional blackmail” and say the way you are changing is making them feel bad. You just have to remain aligned and confident. The reason I am saying this to you is because it will be the biggest influencer of your identity shift. You will be acting and behaving in new ways. Some people may not accept it- but you can’t let this be enough reason to slip you back. Be conscious of it, accept it, and let it blow over your head. Keep on doing what you are doing with the new challenges and experiences. Let your best guy friends seeing you go up to the girls when once you would have stood there like a lemon. Let your boss hear you wanting to go for that new job, or your peers having to accept you are quitting your job to start your own business. Whatever it is you want to achieve- I do not know. All I know is if it is fuelled by this new identity of being a man- you will accomplish it.
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Living With It Every Day Social Influence is often the biggest reason why we slip back. Our pack may not appreciate the changes we are making. But we have to accept them and keep on doing what we are doing. Then, there is another mental drive which will help you live out this new identity on a day-to-day basis.
LEARN TO LOVE COMPETITION AND A CHALLENGE If you are insecure, timid and shy- then you are bound to be a person who turns away from competition and a challenge. You will think to yourself, “What is the point? It’s not worth it”. You will look at other guys and think you have no chance against them. You seriously need to learn how to assert yourself and have the attitude of a winner if you want to be consistent with your identity. Once again, this trait is stained with being egotistical and arrogant. But you should feel as though you are ALLOWED to and you DESERVE to at least go for something and achieve it. It is a sign of confidence in the highest extreme. It is only arrogant if the man expresses it in a way that he is better than everybody else. It is not arrogant if he just says, “I feel like I can get it”. I mean, imagine two guys who have read this book- and they both have the identity of a man and they are going for the same job. Only one of them can get it. Or if they both want the same girl- only one of them can get her. This is where you must learn to love competition- otherwise you will lower the expectations of yourself, or you will downplay the job/girl and say “Nah, I don’t really want it.”.
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Living With It Every Day Just go for it. Do not fear losing or feeling inferior to any other man. Reframe everything you do as competition or a challenge- but make it a personal one. If you go for it and lose, it doesn’t prove any other man is better than you. You just know now where you need to improve. Competition is all about how nature intended it to be. The weak genes get faded out while the strong genes flourish. These are the ones which get the best and most out of life. And I will say it again- it is not about being the alpha male over any other guy. You are choosing the wrong battle. It should be a personal challenge. So try and get that job against the guy who is feeling competitive. Go and approach the girl even though you see another guy trying it on with her or looking like he wants her too. Don’t ever back down to the belief of being inferior. You deserve it just as much as any other man. As long as you remain balanced and respectable by not taking your competitive nature to a dark placeresorting to aggression and jealousy etc- then it will be okay.
Learn to love competition and challenge. Don’t pass something off for the wrong reasons. A man must thrive on competition and challenge so that he empowers himself through achievement- whether he loses or wins, he knows he tried it.
CONCLUSION Staying aligned with your identity may be a stretch for you at first. You will be making a lot of changes with yourself and your life, so along with it you must accept changes by other people.
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Living With It Every Day A man is secure enough in himself to accept any criticisms or judgements. It goes back to the definition of him being so comfortable and secure in himself- that he only goes by his own internal reference. Sure, he is conscious and acknowledges other peoples opinions, and he handles them respectfully- but he doesn’t feel like he must alter and change himself for the sake of others. He knows deep down he has other people’s best interest at heart too. As well at this, a man must learn to love competition and a challenge. It is how we were designed to be. If not, we would have gladly handed anything we had over to those who challenged us for it. We would be supplicating to the bullies of the world. Be assertive towards yourself and know that you deserve it just as much as any other man. Rather than it being a part of your dark side, you frame it as a personal challenge for yourself to improve. You want to see how far you can go and what you can achieve. You want to empower yourself with a feeling of accomplishment. Never back down through feeling inferior or not worth it. And never back down for perceiving somebody better than you. I do not mean in fighting terms, I mean in life terms. Life is all about competition. Eventually, you will face somebody wanting what you want- and only one person can get it. If you want to be that man- then step up and go for it. Do not apologise for it or just hand it over willingly. Have some fight inside of you, and as long as you remain balanced- nobody can fault you for it. It is the sign of a driven man who can admit his losses. Not many of us can do this gracefully. But if you can, you will get nothing but respect.
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A Final Word
CHAPTER 4.3 A FINAL WORD The idea of this book was simple- to remind you of your instinctive nature; show you how to find a balanced definition of what a man is; and then show you the necessary steps to transforming and aligning with that identity. When you do that- you know who you are at your core. Everything else around you may fall and slip away, but nobody can ever take away your nature. You can feel secure and confident with it. And the behaviours associated with being a man are those that lead you to success in every part of your life. A man is a go getter. He is controlled and pushes himself to achieve what he wants. When you truly believe in this identity, then you will align with it, and you will stop yourself from doing any behaviour that contradicts it. There were two main parts to your identity- your nature, and your conditioning. In short- your nature is the collection of all your instincts that ensured SURVIVAL. You still feel them now. What does a man do whenever he is in an intense state? He wants to scream out. It could be winning a competition or being aggressive- his primitive nature wants to “roar”. Just remind yourself of the one question- What traits did man need to survive? When you answer that, then you know how a man should be.
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A Final Word Then, you become aware of your own conditioning and suppression. You try to align yourself with different ideals, opinions and beliefs. This conditioning could pull you away from your nature. But in a sense that is a good thing. We have to evolve and adapt. So the answer is to find a balance- A way in which you can embrace your nature and apply it to the conditions of today.
You shouldn’t feel like you have to apologise for being a man. By being a man, you have a lot to live up to. It’s not something you should shy away from. The responsibility is not difficult once you accept that you can be nothing different. You are a man- and it’s up to you to realise that. There has been no definite point when you stop being a boy and you become a man. The routines of life like job and sex do not offer enough intensity to initiate a transformation. And one final reminder- this is not a calling to be macho and alpha. You don’t puff your chest out and assert your dominance. It is an internal frame of mind which nobody can shake. In the end, being a man is a feeling of empowerment. And you can feel it every day by affirming you are a man and challenging yourself. Push yourself to achieve what you want to achieve. Do what you need to get done. Override your fears. “Hunt” for whatever it is you need. Be decisive with your actions, admit you are responsible, and take whatever consequences or sacrifices you have to face like a man.
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A Final Word
FINAL CHALLENGE: FEEL LIKE A MAN It’s a bit of an anti-climax for a final challenge. Nevertheless, I’m sure it beats trekking off into the wild for a week and seeing how well you do THE CHALLENGE: 1) Do whatever you can to get into a peak state where you feel confident, empowered, and know you can take on anything and kick some ass.
You can’t possibly feel this way all of the time. It is purely for intensity and learning how to feel good. So throw on some music which gets you pumped. Don’t sit there watching a film for it- get involved with something active. You need to involve movement and something physical. Just get yourself to reach a point where you feel, dare I say it, powerful. Nothing can rattle you, and nobody can knock you down. If you reach this state, then suddenly everything you have always wanted to do but couldn’t now seems easy. Imagine how a man had to feel before going into a battle or hunting the predator which could kill him. It was life or death- a situation which we are very lucky to not have to face on a regular basis. The most we ever need this state for is approaching a pretty girl, getting up on stage or that difficult job interview. It kind of puts it into perspective when you think about it. You don’t have to go through the agonising experiences man once had to. So taking on the mentality and identity of a man should allow you to do much more with your life. No excuses.
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CONTACT INFORMATION This book is in association with the website: THE DHV ACADEMY To contact me personally about anything, e-mail me on this address:
[email protected] If you have any questions about this book, contact me on:
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I hope you found the book useful to you. Feel free to let me know of anything you would have liked to have seen in the book and any suggestions/comments. Thank You Brendan Corbett
