Music by A.J. HOLMES Lyrics by KALEY MCMAHON Book by MATT LANG, NICK LANG and ERIC KAHN GALE
OPENING NIGHT SCRIPT July 4th, 2013 Greenhouse Theatre Center 2257 N Lincoln Ave Chicago, IL 60614
PROPERTY OF: StarKid Productions
1 CHARACTERS
JA'FAR, the Royal Vizier THE PRINCESS ALADDIN, a thief SHERREZADE, a storyteller and Ja'far's wife PRINCE ACHMED, from the land of Pik-Zahr CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD ABDUL, a guard (also (also plays his twin brother BAFOOL) BAFOOL) FORMER ROYAL VIZIER THE SULTAN GAZEEM, another thief THE DJINN (Genie of the Lamp) CITIZENS: BAKER MOTHER LIBRARIAN BELLE ORPHAN BOY AND GIRL BREADSELLER LAUNDRESS PREGNANT GIRL PREGNANT GIRL'S FATHER 2 SLAVE GIRLS GROCER OMAR JEWELER OTHER PEASANTS AND MERCHANTS GUARDS ASSISTANT VIZIERS ACHMED'S SOLDIERS PUPPETS: PARROT MONKEY SCARAB
VILLAINS: URSULA SCAR GASTON MALEFICENT CAPTAIN HOOK CRUELLA DE VIL
2 MUSICAL NUMBERS
ACT ONE 1 2 2a 2b 3 3a 4 4a 5 5a 6 6a 6b 7 7a 7b 8 9 10 11 11a
Prologue Dream a Little Harder Dream a Little Harder -- Playoff Aladdin's Entrance I Steal Everything I Steal Everything -- Playoff Everything and More Everything and More -- Playoff Sands of Time The Golden Rule The Golden Rule (Evil Reprise) Evil Reprise -- Playoff The Scarab A Thousand and One Nights Sultan Fanfare She's My Wife Now If I Believed Orphaned at Thirty-Three Ja'far Is a Monster Happy Ending Act I Finale
Sherrezade Ja'far and Citizens Orchestra Orchestra Aladdin and Citizens Orchestra Princess Orchestra Ja'far Ja'far and Citizens Vizier and Assistants Orchestra Orchestra Sherrezade and Ja'far Orchestra Orchestra Ja'far Aladdin Orchestra Ja'far, Aladdin, Princess Orchestra
ACT TWO 12 13 13a 14 14a 15 15a 16 16a 17 17a 18 19 19a 19b 19c 20 20a 20b 20c 21 22
Entr'acte No One Remembers Achmed No One Remembers Achmed -- Playoff A Song Is a Dick In Sheep's Clothing Aladdin's Second Entrance Take Off Your Clothes Take Off Your Clothes -- Playoff Aladdin's Third Entrance Not Sorcery, Chemistry Twisted Army March Djinn Fanfare The Battle Ja'far's Epiphany Aladdin's Monologue Ja'far's Final Wish The Power in Me Everyone Is a Princess The Lovers Reunited Aladdin's Ending A Thousand and One Nights (Reprise) Bows/Exit Music
Orchestra Achmed and Soldiers Orchestra Ja'far Orchestra Aladdin and Princess Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Ja'far and Villains Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Ja'far and Princess Orchestra Orchestra Orchestra Ja'far, Sherrezade, Company Orchestra
I-1-3 ACT ONE SCENE 1
(Lights Up on SHERREZADE, the storyteller) #1 -- Prologue
SHERREZADE Once upon a time… In a faraway land, there was a magic kingdom that prospered through its commitment to two simple ideas: duty and devotion. The Two D's. D's. For many years the kingdom stood as a shining beacon for artisans, craftsmen, and storytellers who all flocked to the land with with a dream to uphold the sacred Two Two D's. Through their hard work, a glorious golden age came to the kingdom. Followed by a second -- even greater than the first! first! Then…came the dark times. times. The kingdom came into the hands of an evil sultan, and through his negligence the kingdom fell to ruin. The happiest place on earth …became the crappiest place on earth. Despite the efforts efforts of one man. A man with a dream. To restore the kingdom to its its former glory and bring bring about the prophesized third golden age. A misunderstood man. man. This is his his story --- the untold story of a royal vizier! (Lights Out on SHERREZADE and Up on JA'FAR, in the village streets reading a book) #2 -- Dream a Little Harder
JA'FAR I LOOK AROUND THE KINGDOM AND SEE THE DESPARATION AND THE DEVASTATION THAT PERSISTS NO MATTER WHAT I DO BUT TODAY COULD BE THE DAY I FINALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND ALL THE GRATEFUL CITIZENS WILL SAY TO ME: (Enter the CITIZENS -- BAKER, LIBRARIAN, MOTHER and OTHERS) CITIZENS FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU! BAKER (Nick) Fuck you, Ja'far! JA'FAR Good morning, baker! BAKER Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit? (JA'FAR'S PARROT flies in)
I-1-4 PARROT (Denise) Squawk! Piece of shit! BAKER (Not seeing the PARROT, to JA'FAR) What did you just call me, you bastard? JA'FAR No, friend! I said nothing! That was my bird. He has the ability to repeat words that others have spoken. BAKER In that case, why not teach him these words: "Fuck you, Ja'far." (Calls Off) Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up! MALE CITIZEN (Robert) WHY DON'T WE HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT? BAKER WHY ARE WE DYING IN THE STREET? MOTHER (Jaime Lyn) WHY DOES MY BABY ALWAYS CRY? ORPHAN (Lauren) WHY DID MY MOMMY HAVE TO DIE? CITIZENS MINE TOO MINE TOO MINE TOO, MINE TOO, MINE TOO! MALE CITIZEN THE ANSWER HERE IS CRYSTAL CLEAR JA'FAR, THAT UGLY OLD VIZIER HE'S THE REASON FOR OUR MANY WOES OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN (Alex) THOUGH WE'RE UPSET, WE SHOULDN'T FRET WE MUSTN'T LET OUR SELVES FORGET THE SAYING EVERY CHILD RAISED WITHIN THE KINGDOM KNOWS: YOU'VE GOT TO DREAM A LITTLE HARDER WHEN LIFE WON'T GO YOUR WAY SIMPLY DREAM A LITTLE HARDER TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT WHEN YOU DREAM A LITTLE HARDER YOU'RE SURE TO FOLLOW THROUGH
I-1-5 (OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN) 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE GOOD AND YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE NO NEED TO BE PROACTIVE CITIZENS GOOD THINGS WILL JUST HAPPEN TO YOU! JA'FAR (Entering the bookstore) I've come to return the book I borrowed! LIBRARIAN (Joseph) Oh, Ja'far! It took you long enough, you shit-eating shit-eating dog. JA'FAR I couldn't put it down! It's one of my favorites! The story of a misunderstood witch witch who's really not wicked at all. She's just green! But she still still gets blamed for all the the kingdom's problems. LIBRARIAN Oh, so you think you're better than me just because you can read? Well get out of my bookstore, we don't like your kind here anyway. JA'FAR But what about the book? LIBRARIAN Keep it. And may the the rats ejaculate upon you. JA'FAR Thank you! Thank you very much! BAKER WHY IS THE KINGDOM PLAGUED BY THEFT? LIBRARIAN WHY ARE THERE NO MORE GOOD JOBS LEFT? MOTHER WHY DOES THE SUN GO DOWN AT NIGHT? ORPHAN WHY IS EVERYONE IN THE KINGDOM WHITE? CITIZENS Um… Uh… Er… Mostly Welsh… Ja'far? (Sung) JA'FAR! JA'FAR! JA'FAR!
I-1-6 MALE CITIZEN NO MAN WHO'S JUST COULD EVER TRUST A FACE THAT TRIGGERS SUCH DISGUST MOTHER HIS TWISTED FEATURES GIVE ME SUCH A CHILL (ALL shudder) OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN SO LET US PRAY THAT ONE FINE DAY THAT EVIL MAN WILL GO AWAY CITIZENS 'CAUSE IF WE WANT IT BAD ENOUGH HE WILL! OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN FOR IF YOU… MALE CITIZEN 2 (Jeff) DREAM A LITTLE HARDER OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU DESIRE FEMALE CITIZEN (Meredith) DREAM A LITTLE HARDER OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN WHEN THINGS ARE LOOKING DIRE IF YOU DREAM A LITTLE HARDER SUCCESS IS GUARANTEED IF YOU ARE SURE OF YOUR INTENTIONS SOME MAGIC INTERVENTION CITIZENS WILL GIVE YOU THE EDGE THAT YOU NEED (JA'FAR passes BELLE, also reading a book, and bumps into her) JA'FAR Oh! Pardon me, madam. BELLE (Jaime Lyn) Oh, that's all right. Just try to keep your fat face out of that motherfucking motherfucking book. JA'FAR I KNOW THAT I'M NO PRIZE I'M NOT SO EASY ON THE EYES I CAN'T RELY ON LOOKS TO GET ME BY
I-1-7 (JA'FAR) BUT UGLINESS PERMITS A MAN TO USE HIS WITS 'CAUSE PRETTY PEOPLE NEVER HAVE TO TRY I HEAR THE PEOPLE WHISPER AS I WALK ABOUT THE STREETS I KNOW THEY CALL ME – CITIZENS UGLY OLD JA'FAR! JA'FAR WHAT I CALL PLANNING, THEY CALL SCHEMING WHAT I CALL DELUSION, THEY CALL DREAMING WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THINGS AS THEY ARE? CITIZENS WISH A LITTLE STRONGER JA'FAR WHY NOT BUY SOME?
BELLE I NEED SIX EGGS CITIZENS HOPE A LITTLE BIGGER
BAKER I WANT TO FLY
JA'FAR THAT'S UNREALISTIC
CITIZENS THINK A LITTLE LOUDER
LIBRARIAN I WANT TO BE A CAT
JA'FAR What? LIBRARIAN Fuck you! CITIZENS WHISTLE WHILE YOU SWALLOW A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR AND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE UPON A STAR MALE CITIZEN DREAM HARD ENOUGH, MY FRIEND JA'FAR WILL MEET A VIOLENT END HE COULD BE SKEWERED BY A SAILING S AILING SHIP MALE CITIZEN 2 OR HANGED IN TANGLED JUNGLE VINES OPTIMISTIC CITIZEN OR EATEN BY HYENAS
I-1-8 BAKER OR HE'LL PLUMMET TO HIS DEATH FROM A CASTLE MALE CITIZEN A CLOCK CITIZENS OR A CLIFF AND IF WE DREAM A LITTLE HARDER OUR PATIENCE AND OUR ARDOR WILL RID US OF THAT UGLY OLD JA'FAR! FUCK YOU! #2a -- Dream a Little Harder -- Playoff
(The CITIZENS exit, flicking JA'FAR off) JA'FAR Wonderful! That was wonderful! (JA'FAR and the PARROT are alone in a secluded area of the village) JA'FAR Oh, bird, sometimes I feel you're my only friend in this world. PARROT Squawk! Fuck you! (The PARROT flies away) JA'FAR Right. Oh, my book, it's covered in mud! (Smells it) No, wait, is that shit? (Enter the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, covered in shit) CAPTAIN That smell is me, Ja'far. You would not believe the morning I've had. JA'FAR Why is my Captain of the Royal Guard covered in shit? CAPTAIN Well, my men and I just jumped from a window and into a cart of Crazy Hakim's Discount Fertilizer. JA'FAR Why?
I-1-9 CAPTAIN We were chasing a man…no…a devil. A thief, who every day, robs from from the common folk -- bread, laundry off of clotheslines and even watermelons. We try to catch him but he's always just one jump ahead. Today, things got a little little out of hand and a lot of good people are dead. JA'FAR Explain! CAPTAIN Well, the Sword-Swallower slit his throat from the inside when the thief's pet monkey ripped the sword right out of it. You know the guy who sleeps on the the bed of nails? JA'FAR Yes. CAPTAIN The fat guard fell on him. Now he's dead. Then when we fell from the window window and into the cart of manure, Kabal snapped his neck on impact and two more choked on shit. All this for a loaf of bread. (Enter ABDUL, one of the guards, pleading, p leading, gasping for air) CAPTAIN Abdul, you're alive? alive? I thought you choked on shit! (ABDUL falls. CAPTAIN holds him in his arms) arms) ABDUL Did we get the loaf of bread back? JA'FAR Oh no, I'm sorry, the thief got away with -(CAPTAIN silences him) CAPTAIN Yes. Yes, Abdul, we got the bread back. ABDUL Praise Allah… (ABDUL dies. dies. CAPTAIN closes ABDUL'S eyes) CAPTAIN This is all your fault, Ja'far. JA'FAR My fault? How is this my fault fault and not that thief's?
I-1-10 CAPTAIN There wouldn't be any thieves if you fixed the socioeconomic inequality like you promised. (He drops ABDUL'S body on the floor) Why do you even bother visiting us commoners anymore, you aristocat? JA'FAR There's a very important prince coming in today from one of our vassal kingdoms. The land of Pik-Zahr. Pik-Zahr. I've come to welcome him personally. CAPTAIN Another suitor for the Princess? JA'FAR No, if only, Captain. He's here because the trade agreement between his kingdom and ours has expired and I've got to extend the contract or our kingdom is doomed. That's why I've pulled out all the stops to make this prince's prince's visit a happy one. We've arranged a character breakfast with our Princess, given him a two-day park hopper pass, and a lanyard for souvenir pin collecting. collecting. Everyone must treat this prince with the utmost respect. CAPTAIN I saw that very prince riding by on his horse earlier. JA'FAR Oh? CAPTAIN He was being accosted by the same thief we just spoke of. JA'FAR What? CAPTAIN The street-rat through a whip in his face. He told him that he'd never seen seen a horse with two rear ends. Now, I'm not sure if if the thief meant that the prince had a big horsey ass, ass, or a horse-ass for a face. Either way, everyone laughed and the prince was furious. furious. JA'FAR I better get back to the palace and make sure that his breakfast with the Princess goes well. CAPTAIN But, Ja'far, isn't she known to sic tigers on visiting princes? JA'FAR Oh shit, you're right. CAPTAIN I sure hope you haven't goofed this one up, Ja'far.
I-1-11 JA'FAR Oh no, I haven't! Why don't you go apprehend the thief. What's his name? CAPTAIN There are whispers. Rumors only. They say he's called…Aladdin. called…Aladdin. #2b -- Aladdin's Entrance
JA'FAR Then we must find this one, this…"Laddin"… (They exit. ALADDIN enters with with a loaf of bread) ALADDIN Tsk, tsk, tsk, look at this mess. Dead bodies in in the street. street. The state of this kingdom. It's no place to raise a monkey. (ALADDIN'S pet MONKEY enters) ALADDIN Come on, Monkey, don't be scared. It's just a dead body…you can have fun fun with him! Look, you can kick him. YOU can eat him. Most importantly, you get to to loot him. (He digs through ABDUL'S pockets and finds a wallet) Ah, there it is. Look at that. Hey, that looks enough like you. That'll get you into bars. (He pockets the money, then hands rest of the wallet to the MONKEY who tries to eat it. ALADDIN then sits down and steals the shoes off ABDUL'S feet) Those guards should've just let me take this bread. Don't they get it? I'm not a bad guy. I steal only what I can't afford. And that's everything. (Scene changes back to the streets. ABDUL'S body is cleared cleared away. During the following number, various CITIZENS enter.) #3 -- I Steal Everything
ALADDIN WANT FOOD, BUT GOT NO MONEY? I'M SCREWED, OR SO IT WOULD SEEM THAT'S WHY I CAME UP WITH THIS BRILLIANT SCHEME: JUST STEAL EVERYTHING! (Spoken) Alright, Monkey, let's feast! MONKEY (Lauren) Yeah! Yeah! (They eat some of the bread; ALADDIN spits it out) ALADDIN Ugh! Raisins. I hate raisins.
I-1-12 (Two ORPHANS enter, one of them crippled) ALADDIN Hey, little orphaned orphaned kids, you guys hungry? Want some bread? ORPHAN (Meredith) We do, sir. ALADDIN Fetch, ya fucks! (He throws the bread offstage. The ORPHANS pathetically stumble after it) ALADDIN FOR REAL, I'M NOT THAT PICKY I'LL STEAL WHATEVER'S IN SIGHT DON'T JUDGE, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PLIGHT (ALADDIN steals the crutch from the crippled ORPHAN) CRIPPLED OPRHAN (Joseph) Hey, my crutch! ALADDIN Mine now, loser. (Sung) I STEAL EVERYTHING. (A BREADSELLER enters) BREADSELLER (Robert) Bread! Bread for sale! Reasonably priced for these hard times! ALADDIN Ah, hey there, friendo! BREADSELLER Not you again! Please, you just stole a loaf of bread from me this morning! ALADDIN Yeah, and you gotta stop putting raisins raisins in it, it, man. I hate raisins. raisins. I was talkin' to Monkey about it, and he thinks we should just kill you! (MONKEY hisses at BREADSELLER) But I was like, no, Monkey, that's crazy! But now I'm kinda thinking…yeah…No more more fucking raisins. BREADSELLER No, please! I'll bring you some more bread tomorrow with no raisins.
I-1-13 ALADDIN You're the best! I'm gonna tell all my thief friends about you. But you owe me one. (BREADSELLER exits) DID YOU KNOW IN THIS BARBARIC COUNTRY THEY ONLY GIVE YOU MONEY IF YOU WORK THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, THE MAN I'LL KEEP STEALING ALL I CAN, INSTEAD OF BEING A FACIST YUPPIE JERK CITIZENS HIPPIE! FUCKER! SLACKER! ALADDIN SUCKER! WHO WOULD SEEK EMPLOYMENT WHEN LIFE OFFERS SUCH ENJOYMENT? ANYTHING I GET, I COULD GET FOR FREE BESIDES, THE ECONOMY'S SHIT SO I MAKE HASTE FOR MAKING EXITS GET CHASED BY A MURDEROUS MOB HEY MAN, STILL BEATS GETTING A JOB (Spoken) Am I right? LAUNDRESS (Jaime Lyn) (Enters) Getting in trouble a little early today, aren't we Aladdin? ALADDIN You're only in trouble if you get caught. (Enter a PREGNANT GIRL and her FATHER) FAT HER) PREGNANT GIRL (Denise) Aladdin? ALADDIN I'm in trouble. PREGNANT GIRL After that night we spent together, my belly grows big with child. My father says that you must marry me now, or I'll bring dishonor to my entire family. ALADDIN Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't give up on my dreams and settle down just 'cause your dad's being a dick. Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love.
I-1-14 PREGNANT GIRL Oh, Aladdin…I understand. ALADDIN I knew you would. You're such a special special girl, Jezebel. PREGNANT GIRL Who's Jezebel?! ALADDIN Uh oh. Busted. PREGNANT GIRL ASSHOLE! ALADDIN OH, WOW. FATHER (Jim) DOUCHEBAG! ALADDIN HEY NOW! JUST ONE QUESTION, WHY, MAN? FATHER 'CAUSE YOU STOLE MY DAUGHTER'S HYMEN! ALADDIN THAT'S COMPLETELY FAIR, BUT IN MY DEFENSE, (Spoken) Dude, your daughter's hot. (ALADDIN high-fives the FATHER who exits with his daughter) ALADDIN I FEEL THAT IT'S MY DUTY TO STEAL, 'CAUSE STEALING'S AN ART I'LL STEAL CLOTHING AND SHELTER, WHATEVER I LACK CANDY FROM BABIES, THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK! CREDIT IDENTITIES, THUNDER AND SEAMS INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, WHATEVER THAT MEANS. AND IF YOU'LL LOOK CLOSER THIS POOR LITTLE ORPHAN WILL STEAL YOUR HEART. #3a -- I Steal Everything -- Playoff
(Lights Out. ALADDIN and MONKEY exit)
I-2-15 ACT ONE SCENE 2
(The Palace. Enter JA'FAR) JA'FAR All right, it's imperative that this prince's prince's visit is a happy one. And, who knows, maybe he and the Princess will hit it off. (Enter ACHMED, in a temper) ACHMED Good luck marrying her off! JA'FAR Oh, Prince Prince Achmed! Your Excellency! ACHMED Is this how your kingdom treats its guests, guests, Ja'far? Take a look at this! (He lifts his cape, revealing his pants torn to exp ose his shredded underwear and bare ass) Tell me…what do you see? JA'FAR Your heart boxer shorts, my liege. ACHMED And what else? JA'FAR Your ass cheeks, my lord. ACHMED My ass cheeks…they're hanging out. And what's this? (Wipes something off his ass) Blood. Blood on my ass cheeks. Tell me, Ja'far, how the fuck did it get there? JA'FAR Is it because…? ACHMED It is because your princess just sic'd a Bengal tiger upon my ass! I am lucky that it is so pert and small. JA'FAR Oh I am grateful for your tiny ass, my lord! ACHMED I cannot believe that she thought she could feed a prince to a Bengal tiger and that there would be no political consequences. This really is an act of war, Ja'far.
I-2-16 (ACHMED) And she treated it as if it were a throwaway joke. As if I were some silly side character here only to illustrate her reluctance to get married. Well, not only am I the ruler of a sovereign nation, but I have feelings too. And people forget about me. JA'FAR You must forgive forgive our princess. She is youthful but with meaning. ACHMED Do not feed me shit and call it couscous, Ja'far. This is yet another insult insult that your kingdom has heaped upon mine. But you can no longer afford afford such arrogance. Consider your kingdom's greatest exports over the last ten years: toys, exotic fish, trashcompacting robots and other such incredibles. incredibles. All produced not by your kingdom, but by mine. JA'FAR Yes, you produce the goods and we distribute them. ACHMED You take the credit for them! JA'FAR No, we share the credit! ACHMED Well perhaps we don't want to to share the credit any longer. We had considered extending our alliance. Now, because of your princess, that is completely out of the question. The next time that I return to this so-called "Magic Kingdo m", it will not be with a lanyard, or a two-day park-hopping pass, but with with an army. Ja'far, prepare for war. JA'FAR No, Achmed, wait… ACHMED No! Nobody makes an ass of Prince Achmed! (He storms off, fully showing his ass to the Audience) JA'FAR Damn that girl! Princess! You've got some 'splaining 'splaining to do! (The sound of birds flying overhead is heard) Oh no! The Indian Swallowtails! They've escaped! escaped! (The PRINCESS enters followed by two SLAVE GIRLS) PRINCESS No. I set them free.
I-2-17 JA'FAR But those birds were imported from a foreign land. They can't survive survive here. The hawks will have them within the hour. PRINCESS Well an hour free is better than a lifetime in in a cage. Being fed and pampered and cleaned up after. What kind of a life is is that? JA'FAR When are you going to learn that your actions have consequences? That prince you just sic'd a tiger on has threatened our kingdom with war. PRINCESS Oh it's not a big deal. He was such a joke. Just like every other swaggering peacock I've met. JA'FAR But not all your suitors suitors deserve to have a tiger set upon them. What about that first first prince? He was a charming fellow. PRINCESS I heard he made made out with a girl while she was blacked out. That's not charming. That's kind of rapey. JA'FAR Well…what about Prince Eric the Seafaring Flutist? PRINCESS He fucked a fish! JA'FAR He did not fuck a fish! PRINCESS He wanted to fuck a fish! JA'FAR Oh predator fish-fucker! Will anyone ever live up to your impossible standards? standards? You know you're going to have to get married one of these days. PRINCESS Never! Marriage is the medieval construct of the ownership of women. It's like slavery. Grapes! (One of her SLAVE GIRLS feed her grapes) Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love. (She spits seeds into the other SLAVE GIRL'S hand) JA'FAR One of these days, you're going to learn that life isn't about dreams coming true. It's a series of compromises and disappointment.
I-2-18 (JA'FAR) I was hoping that Prince Achmed Achmed could fix our kingdom's problems. But now, we are worse off than ever and I've got to find a way to clean up your mess. (He exits) PRINCESS But…you… (Grunts) Being a princess is so so stifling! I'm suffocating in this this palace! SLAVE GIRL 1 (Alex) Fan, Princess? (Fans her) PRINCESS Now I'm kind of chilly. SLAVE GIRL 2 (Jaime Lyn) Shroud of silk, my lady. (Shrouds her) PRINCESS I can't wear this! Do you know they make these things in sweatshops? Where have you been? SLAVE GIRL 2 Spinning silk in your private sweatshop, mistress. PRINCESS You actually work in one of those? SLAVE GIRL 2 Yes. PRINCESS That's supporting a corrupt system. system. You're a part of the problem. problem. SLAVE GIRL 2 Yes, Princess. #4 -- Everything and More
PRINCESS Am I the only one who wants more out of life? I just want to be free so badly! You slaves could never understand. SLAVE GIRLS Yes, Princess. (They exit)
I-2-19 PRINCESS I'M THE MOST POWERFUL GIRL IN THE LAND WITH A WAVE OF MY HAND I CAN GIVE A COMMAND BUT IT'S JUST LIKE…WHATEVER 'CAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND LOOK AT MY LIFE FROM THE OUTSIDE AND SURE I'VE GOT SERVANTS AND TIGERS AND STUFF YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING WELL IT'S TRUE 'CAUSE I DO BUT SO THE FUCK WHAT, IT'S NOT ENOUGH I WANT A LIFE OF ADVENTURE WITH NO ORDERS I HAVE TO OBEY AND DANGERS GALORE 'LONG AS I CAN BE SURE THAT I'M SAFE AND SECURE AT THE END OF THE DAY I'VE GOT TO ESCAPE FROM THIS PALACE FOR A LIFE WHERE I'LL TRULY BE FREE I'LL GO LIVE SOMEWHERE NEW JUST AS BIG WITH A VIEW AND A FEW DOZEN SERVANTS ATTENDING TO ME THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR I JUST WANT EVERYTHING AND MORE I WANT THE MOON I WANT TO LIVE ON THE MOON AND EAT IT IN A PIE AND KEEP IT AS A PET AND WEAR IT LIKE A GEMSTONE IN MY HAIR AND SOMEDAY SOON THE PEOPLE WHO SAY I'M JUST DREAMING LIKE FATHER AND JA'FAR WILL SEE HOW WRONG THEY ARE AS I LAUGH IN THEIR FACES THROUGH MOUTHFULS OF MOONBEAM PIE I WANNA MAKE MY OWN CHOICES I MEAN PLEASE, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK? BUT DECISIONS ARE HARD AND I'M BEING BOMBARDED WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY HELP WITH THIS ARDUOUS TASK? THE LIFE OF A PRINCESS IS FRAUGHT WITH COMPLICATION IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WISH I WERE LOWLY AND POOR BUT, LIKE, WITH MONEY
I-2-20 (PRINCESS) WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO LIVE IN A NEW SITUATION EACH SLAVE AND GUARD MAKES LIFE SO HARD 'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS BARRED FROM HAVING EVERYTHING AND MORE (Lights Out) #4a -- Everything and More -- Playoff
I-3-21 ACT ONE SCENE 3
(Another part of the palace -- JA'FAR'S quarters) JA'FAR All right, team, we've got to brainstorm. We could be facing war. (He looks around -- no one is there) Team? Hello? (CAPTAIN enters with a scroll) CAPTAIN Hey, Ja'far. JA'FAR Captain, where is my team? My assistant assistant viziers? My think tank that share share my commitment to Duty and Devotion? Has my whole Two-D department gone missing? missing? CAPTAIN Oh, you haven't heard. JA'FAR Heard what? CAPTAIN Bad news, Ja'far. The order has already been carried out. (CAPTAIN hands JA'FAR the scroll. scroll. He reads): JA'FAR "By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire Two-D department is to be dispended. All one hundred and fifty of its members are to be sacked." CAPTAIN Hm. We put them in burlap sacks sacks and beat them until they were dead. JA'FAR But those were men and women of quality! All those masters of craftsmanship just thrown out the window! CAPTAIN Out of the highest window of the western tower. JA'FAR But how could the Sultan do this? CAPTAIN Don't blame the Sultan, Ja'far. This is all your fault. You didn't have the Two-D department producing anything of value.
I-3-22 JA'FAR Yes, I know. CAPTAIN Well…see ya. (He exits) JA'FAR To think our kingdom was once a pioneer of art and culture and technology…how did it come to to this? How did it come to to this?!! AHH!! DAMN!! (He angrily knocks various objects over until he finds half a golden scarab fastened to a gold necklace) Wait…it can't be…the necklace…I haven't seen this in years. #5 -- Sands of Time
JA'FAR SANDS OF TIME, TAKE ME BACK BEFORE IT ALL WENT WRONG WHEN LOVE WAS BUT A SONG AND TOMORROW SHONE AS BRIGHTLY AS THE SUN TEACH ME TO UNDO WHAT'S DONE SANDS OF TIME, TAKE ME BACK. (Suddenly the scene changes and we are transported transported back in time. It is morning in the village streets. JA'FAR briefly exits. CITIZENS enter) GROCER (Nick) Sugar dates! Sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios! OMAR (Robert) Fresh fish! We catch them, you buy them! JEWELER (Jaime Lyn) Pretty necklace for the lady? (JA'FAR renters, he is younger and without his full Royal Vizier uniform) JA'FAR Salaam, friends, and praise Allah for this blessed day! JEWELER Oh, and praise Allah for you, Ja'far! Today's the day, isn't it? The day the palace finally finally gets a good and honest man on the payroll! "Assistant Vizier to the Sultan." You'll straighten out those crooked politicians, I'm sure of it! JA'FAR Oh, now, now, be warm, I'm sure those higher-ups in the palace are doing their very best! They just need someone with strong resolve to keep them on that straight and narrow.
I-3-23 GROCER Ha ha! I suppose you're right. But how do you do it, Ja'far? How is it that you are so good to everyone you meet? JA'FAR My secret is simple, really. Anyone could do it. I just follow the golden rule! JEWELER And what rule is that, Ja'far? #5a -- The Golden Rule
JA'FAR Why, it's as easy as a 1, 2, 3, 4… (Sung) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE FOR LIFE'S A TWO-WAY STREET KEEP THAT IN MIND AND YOU'LL BE KIND TO EVERYONE YOU MEET! FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE IT ISN'T HARD TO DO ALWAYS TREAT OTHERS LIKE SISTERS AND BROTHERS AND THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR YOU. BEFORE YOU HARM YOUR FELLOW MAN ASK THIS QUESTION FIRST: HOW WOULD YOU WISH THAT HE TREAT YOU IF YOUR FORTUNES WERE REVERSED? FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE THAT'S HOW I CHOOSE TO LIVE WOW, SIMPLE RECIPROCITY IS ALWAYS MY PHILOSOPHY I GET BACK WHAT I GIVE! (A BOY enters and steals steals from OMAR'S fish fish cart. OMAR catches him) OMAR Stop, thief! BOY (Lauren) But sir, I'm starving! OMAR Do you know what the penalty is for stealing? (OMAR is about to cut off the BOY'S hand when JA'FAR intervenes) JA'FAR Stop right there, friend! Omar, what's going on here?
I-3-24 OMAR This boy has robbed me! JA'FAR So you take the law into your own hands? OMAR It is my right, Ja'far! JA'FAR But is it right? (Sung) BEFORE YOU HARM YOUR FELLOW MAN ASK THIS QUESTION FIRST: HOW WOULD YOU WISH THAT HE TREAT YOU IF YOUR FORTUNES WERE REVERSED? (Spoken) Why take this boy's hand when you could just as easily put it to work? OMAR Give him a job, eh? JA'FAR And you, boy, don't you see that if everyone were to steal from Omar's cart, that he would be the one who was starving? CITIZENS FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE BOY My hunger blinded me and forced me to act like an animal. CITIZENS FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE JA'FAR But we're not animals. We're gifted with minds to reason and hearts to love! CITIZENS FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE AHH… JA'FAR So what do you say? Can you two work together? (Sung) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE FOR LIFE'S A TWO-WAY STREET OMAR KEEP THAT IN MIND
I-3-25 THIEF AND YOU'LL BE KIND ALL TO EVERYONE YOU MEET! FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE) IT ISN'T HARD TO DO (IT'S VERY EASY) ALWAYS TREAT OTHERS LIKE SISTERS AND BROTHERS AND THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR YOU FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (THEY'LL DO IT FOR YOU) JA'FAR I think that's enough fun for one day, eh, friends? (ALL laugh) Well, I better be off to the palace! palace ! CITIZENS Good luck, Ja'far! (Sung) AND REMEMBER FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE) THAT'S HOW WE CHOOSE TO LIVE (IT'S VERY EAS Y) SIMPLE RECIPROCITY IS ALWAYS OUR PHILOSOPHY JA'FAR & CITIZENS I GET BACK WHAT I GIVE (WE GET WHAT WE GIVE) THAT'S IT I GET BACK WHAT I GIVE FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (I GET WHAT I GIVE) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE (I GET WHAT I GIVE) FOLLOW THE GOLDEN FOLLOW THE GOLDEN FOLLOW THE GOLDEN -(MUSIC abruptly stops. CITIZENS exit. JA'FAR is in the palace. The Lights go dark. JA'FAR bumps into the former ROYAL VIZIER, whose back is to the audience) JA'FAR Oh! Excuse me, sir.
I-3-26 VIZIER (Slowly turning around) Whaaaaaaaaat? Who dares enter the royal palace and disturb the Royal Vizier as he rests in his royal chambers of the royal palace? You! Who are you? JA'FAR Oh, me, sir? My name is Ja'far, sir. (ASSISTANT VIZIERS enter, sneering at JA'FAR) VIZIER (Snickering to his ASSISTANTS) Ha! Yes, the new assistant vizier. ASSISTANT (Jaime Lyn) The coffee-fetcher! JA'FAR I intend to do a little more than that, my friends. Now, I know it's my first day, but if you'll spare me some patience, I've prepared a list of reforms that this city is in desperate need of. It's going to take a lot lot of hard work and a little little bit of elbow grease, grease, but I believe that if we just follow The Golden Rule, that we can all create a whole new world for you and me, and most importantly, the great people of this kingdom! (The VIZIER and his ASSISTANTS laugh at him) ASSISTANT Are you finished? VIZIER Listen, boy. You speak of a…"Golden Rule"? Well, we have our own golden rule here. Whoever has the gold…makes the rules. JA'FAR What? #6 -- The Golden Rule (Evil Reprise)
VIZIER I FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE HOW CAN A MAN RESIST WHEN THE GOLD IN HIS HAND LETS HIM RULE THE LAND WITH AN IRON FIST I FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE IT'S EITHER THEM OR ME THE GOLD THAT MY NEIGHBOR EARNS THROUGH HIS LABOR IS GOLD I'LL NEVER SEE
I-3-27 (VIZIER) WHO HAS THE GOLD MAKES ALL THE RULES SO HE WINS THE GAME AND THEN THE PRIZE FOR WINNING? ALL MORE GOLD! HAHA! VIZIER AND THE GAME BEGINS AGAIN ALL FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE VIZIER BOY, DON'T BE SUCH A FOOL DAMN YOUR STUPID CHARITY, WE CHASE OUR OWN PROSPERITY, WE -ALL FOLLOW THE GOLD FOLLOW THE GOLD FOLLOW THE GOLD FOLLOW THE GOLD FOLLOW THE GOLD
VIZIER AND RULE!
FOLLOW THE GOLD… AND RULE! FOLLOW THE GOLD… AND RULE! ALL FOLLOW THE GOLD, GOLD, GOLD… VIZIER And rule! #6a -- Evil Reprise -- Playoff
VIZIER So keep your mouth shut and your palm open, and you may just get…filthy stinkin' rich! Come, gentlemen, to the opium den. (VIZIER and ASSISTANTS exit) JA'FAR Oh what is this palace life? (We hear a SCREAM from offstage and a sword slashing sound)
I-3-28 SHERREZADE Aahhh! (She is thrown onto the stage) OFFSTAGE VOICE That'll teach you to sneer at a nobleman! JA'FAR Oh, my dear girl, what's been done to you? SHERREZADE Somebody cut off my ear because they didn't like my face. JA'FAR That's barbaric! SHERREZADE But hey, it's home! JA'FAR Worry not, miss, I am a studied healer. I may not be able to save the ear, but I can stay the bleeding. It would help if we kept you talking. You could start by telling me your name. (He dresses her wound) SHERREZADE My name is Sherrezade. I suppose this will be the end of me. I'm here only for my beauty…and now that's gone. JA'FAR Sherrezade, true beauty lies within. But no scratch could tarnish tarnish your heavenly glow. SHERREZADE Your words are like honey, young master! JA'FAR Oh, Ja'far, and I am master master no man or woman. I am a servant to the people, and therefore your servant. Tell me, what is it it that you do in the palace? SHERREZADE I entertain nobles with singing and dancing and stories. JA'FAR Stories? What kind of stories? stories? SHERREZADE Anything you can imagine. Tell me, have you ever heard the tale of the Tiger Head Cave? (JA'FAR shakes his head)
I-3-29 SHERREZADE It's filled with wonders beyond your wildest dreams: a forbidden treasure, a rug possessed the soul of a lecherous thief, and perhaps the greatest treasure of them all: a common oil lamp. JA'FAR …what? SHERREZADE But do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance; this is no ordinary lamp. lamp. It is the prison of a djinn, a shape shifter who will grant your every wish. He's also really funny. (He finishes dressing dressing her wound. She feels her ear in amazement) JA'FAR There you are, keep the bandages tight, less the wound become gangrenous. SHERREZADE By Allah! Are you a sorcerer? JA'FAR No, sorcery is a craft for fools and dreamers. I am a man of science. I believe only what I can touch and feel. This cave you speak speak of, I can assure you it doesn't exist. I would know because I apprenticed a geographer. SHERREZADE You've just never seen it because the cave remains hidden to all but those who posses the key. Here, look. #6b -- The Scarab
(She takes off a necklace and hands it to him -- the same necklace he found earlier) JA'FAR Oh, beautiful pendant. A golden scarab if if I'm not mistaken. SHERREZADE Half a scarab. Half the key. It is said that the cave was sealed by two lovers who were then transformed into one golden scarab. scarab. The cave will only reopen when the two halves become one and the lovers are reunited once more. JA'FAR That's beautiful. SHERREZADE So you see, you say you only believe what you can touch and feel. Magic does nothing if not touch the soul. soul. There's no greater feeling than that.
I-3-30 JA'FAR Wise words. Perhaps you're right. (He hands her the necklace back. She accidentally drops it) it) SHERREZADE Sorry. (They both bend down to pick it up and touch hands. They look into each other's eyes for a moment then break away) #7 -- A Thousand and One Nights
JA'FAR Perhaps I have been touched! Pardon, you know many stories, stories, do you? SHERREZADE I KNOW A THOUSAND TALES TO FILL A THOUSAND NIGHTS BUT NOW ANOTHER STORY COMES TO MIND A NOBLE, YOUNG VIZIER ASCENDS TO WONDROUS HEIGHTS HE'S BRILLIANT AS HE'S HANDSOME, AND HANDSOME AS HE'S KIND HE IS AT ONCE FAMILIAR AND UNKNOWABLE TO THE FRIGHTENED GIRL HE MEETS ALONG THE WAY AND TO THE GIRL'S SURPRISE, SOMETHING IN HIS EYES BECKONS HER TO KNOW HIM AND INSPIRES HER TO SAY I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PAST SO TELL ME SLOWLY FROM THE START LEAVE OUT NO DETAIL SAVOUR EVERY PART I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY SO MAKE THE STORY LAST I WANT TO KNOW EACH TWIST AND TURN TELL ME ALL I'VE MISSED I'VE SO MUCH TO LEARN FOR WHEN IT COMES TO STORIES I THOUGHT I KNEW THEM ALL NOW I'M FACE TO FACE WITH ONE I CAN'T SEEM TO RECALL JA'FAR THE YOUNG VIZIER HAD COME TO HELP INSPIRE CHANGE BUT FATE HAD PLANNED AN UNEXPECTED TWIST WITHIN THE PALACE WALLS HE DISCOVERED SOMETHING STRANGE AND FOUND THE MISSING PART OF HIM HE DIDN'T KNOW HE MISSED
I-3-31 (JA'FAR) SHE IS AT ONCE A COMFORT AND A MYSTERY TO THE CALLOW MAN SHE MEETS THAT FATEFUL DAY SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND WISE, AND SOMETHING IN HER EYES BECKONS HIM TO KNOW HER AND INSPIRES HIM TO SAY I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PAST I WANT TO KNOW YOUR FUTURE TOO FILL MY DAYS AND NIGHTS WITH THE TALE OF YOU BOTH I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY (I WANT TO KNOW YOUR STORY) SO MAKE THE STORY LAST (SO MAKE THE STORY…) AND… …LINGER ON FOR EVERY PART TELL IT TILL I KNOW EVERY BIT BY HEART JA'FAR I NEVER CARED FOR STORIES UNTIL YOU ENTERED MINE BOTH AND NOW MY ONLY WISH IS THAT OUR PLOTS MAY INTERTWINE JA'FAR BUT I FORGET WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SHERREZADE I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND JA'FAR REMIND ME HOW SHE ANSWERS WHEN HE ASKS HER FOR HER HAND? SHERREZADE Took you long enough! Yes! She says says yes! BOTH A THOUSAND AND ONE NIGHTS WITH YOU IS NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END… (MUSIC continues. Time passes and they are now living living together)
I-3-32 JA'FAR Honey, I'm home. Damn that royal vizier. The common man is starving starving and he feasts like a self styled god. My land reform bill will never pass. SHERREZADE They refused you again? JA'FAR I work with the most most selfish, corrupt, incompetent incompetent old men. Their mouths aren't fit to hold a donkey's shit. If I could just speak with the Sultan, if for a minute I could have his ear. SHERREZADE As that nobleman took my ear? JA'FAR Sherrezade, you jest! SHERREZADE I'm only joking, Ja'far. Now that I have you smiling, smiling, I think I'll give you a gift. JA'FAR A gift for me? What is it? (She brings him a baby PARROT) PARROT Squawk! JA'FAR Oh what a handsome bird that is! PARROT Squawk! Handsome bird! JA'FAR Oh it speaks our words! SHERREZADE I saw him in the marketplace and I knew he would delight you. JA'FAR What else does he say? SHERREZADE Anything you teach him. PARROT Squawk! Donkey's shit!
I-3-33 JA'FAR Oh! Those harsh words are are mine, aren't they? You clever girl! Always finding new ways to keep me honest! SHERREZADE It'll be good for us to have something to love and care for. It can be practice for us. us. (She feels her belly) JA'FAR What are you saying? Have all of our attempts finally bore fruit, even when the the doctors said it could not be so?!? so?!? Oh praise Allah the merciful merciful and compassionate! (They embrace. A GUARD enters) GUARD Assistant Vizier Ja'far! News from the palace! Your request for a hearing with the Sultan has been granted. You are to report to the palace immediately! (Exits) JA'FAR Did you hear that, my darling? My land reform bill being heard by the Sultan on this of all days! SHERREZADE We are blessed, Ja'far! JA'FAR Come with me to the palace. And let us never be parted again! BOTH A THOUSAND AND ONE LIFETIMES IS NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END SO LET'S MAKE OURS A STORY WITH NO END… #7a -- Sultan Fanfare
(They exit. Scene changes to the palace. ROYAL VIZIER enters with with GUARDS) VIZIER Behold!! Behold!! Behold!! The representative of Allah on Earth. Father of the country. Shepherd of the people. Sovereign of the land. He of the two legs. Behold!! The son of Osiris Osiris and Borator. The divine ruler. Behold!! The Royal Sultan! (JA'FAR and SHERREZADE reenter to watch as the SULTAN enters. enters. All bow before him) JA'FAR Sherrezade, they say he has a golden tongue. I never thought I'd see this this day.
I-3-34 SHERREZADE What do you think he'll say to us? What wisdom will he impart? VIZIER SILENCE! The Sultan will now speak in his holy voice. SULTAN (Coughs) Many years ago, I took my finger…and I pushed in my penis…and it hasn't come out since. (Pause) I will now hear from the court. VIZIER A very wise and enthralling tale, my lord. We can all learn a lesson lesson from it, I expect. SULTAN Where's my opium? I must have wine, sweetmeats and cheeses. VIZIER At once, my lord. (Snaps his fingers) And now my lowly and unworthy assistant vizier presents some issue or other for your holy consideration. Speak now, Ja'far! And don't fuck it up! JA'FAR (Rises) Greetings, Your Highness. Highness. It is I, Ja'far. I humbly prostrate prostrate myself to you and offer up this bill of land land reform. It is essential to our way of life. life. SULTAN (His eyes suddenly wide) Ooh! Who are you? JA'FAR Me, sir? I'm Ja'far, as I said -SULTAN No not you, you jabbering ape. Her. (He points to SHERREZADE) JA'FAR Oh. This is Sherrezade, my wife. (Pulls her up) SHERREZADE It is an honor to be in your presence, great Sultan. SULTAN Hmm. She's my wife now. I must have her for my harem.
I-3-35 JA'FAR What? SULTAN She makes my withered loins feel life again! VIZIER Very good, my lord, she will be yours at once! JA'FAR No! She's my wife, damn it! #7b -- She's My Wife Now
VIZIER Do you speak speak against your Sultan? Against your king? On your knees, boy! JA'FAR What? No! (GUARDS throw JA'FAR to the floor and whip him) SHERREZADE Ja'far! No! VIZIER This woman will be bathed and shaved and brought to your harem at once, my lord. JA'FAR Sherrezade! NOOO!! (SULTAN and VIZIER exit. The GUARDS grab SHERREZADE but allow her a final moment alone with JA'FAR) JA'FAR I can't let this happen! He's stealing you from me! He's a thief! I won't let you go! SHERREZADE You must, Ja'far! The Sultan wishes it and it it is our purpose to serve him. JA'FAR Well, maybe I have a new purpose now. SHERREZADE The city needs you. You are going to to be a great vizier someday. That is what your story is about. JA'FAR I wish I had the power to rewrite this tale.
I-3-36 SHERREZADE Never stop wishing it, Ja'far. Here. Take this. (She takes off her gold necklace and gives it to him) JA'FAR Your pendant? SHERREZADE You remember the two lovers? JA'FAR The key to the Tiger Head Cave? SHERREZADE We will be reunited one day, and unlock wonders beyond your wildest dreams! (She is dragged offstage. JA'FAR is bent down on the ground. The scene transforms back to present day) #8 -- If I Believed
JA'FAR First I lost her to the Sultan…then I lost her to Heaven. I thought that, if I just did my duty, I could get her back. Now I am Royal Vizier and powerless to save her, or our city. Unless… (He looks at the pendant) The cave. The lamp. The wish-granting djinn! (Sung) IF I BELIEVED IN WISHES AS SILLY AS IT SEEMS I'D FIND THAT HIDDEN CAVE TURN BACK THE SANDS OF TIME AND SAVE YOU IF I BELIEVED IN DREAMS IF I BELIEVED IN MAGIC IF I BELIEVED IN GOOD I'D BE THE BEST VIZIER I'D MAKE OUR TROUBLES DISAPPEAR IF I BELIEVED I COULD BUT WISHES ARE DREAMS AND DREAMS ARE PRETEND SO SCIENCE AND REASON WIN OUT IN THE END SCIENCE SAYS YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE FOREVER REASON SAYS I'M TALKING TO THE AIR BUT SOMETHING IN MY HEART SOME SECRET HIDDEN PART
I-3-37 (JA'FAR) ILLOGICALLY INSISTS THAT YOU ARE THERE SOMEWHERE IF I BELIEVE IN WISHES IF I CAN FIND THE KEY PERHAPS IT'S NOT TO LATE TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF FATE 'CAUSE AFTER ALL I MUST BE PRETTY GREAT IF YOU BELIEVED IN ME (CAPTAIN enters) CAPTAIN Ja'far! JA'FAR What is it, it, Captain? Can't you see I'm busy? CAPTAIN Bad news. It's the Princess. We've checked everywhere but she's nowhere to be found. It appears she's run away. JA'FAR All her talk talk of freedom. I should've seen this coming! CAPTAIN I agree. This is all all your fault, Ja'far. JA'FAR Don't just stand there. Go out and find her! Leave no stone stone unturned. I have an errand I must attend to. (CAPTAIN exits) Oh, Princess. You poor, naïve girl. I only hope you haven't fallen prey to some sexcrazed ruffian! (Scene segues…)
I-4-38 ACT ONE SCENE 4
(ALADDIN leads the PRINCESS into his shack. MONKEY is also also present) ALADDIN Right this way, babe. PRINCESS I want to thank you again for saving me back at the marketplace. I can't believe that man wanted to reprimand me just for taking some of his apples. ALADDIN Yeah, those merchants are real dicks dicks about that kind of stuff. stuff. It's like, is he really going to eat all those apples? And did you know the ones he doesn't eat, he's trying to sell? For money? So greedy. PRINCESS But you're so generous. Sticking your neck out for a girl you just met, while while expecting absolutely nothing in return. And then insisting that I stay with you tonight! ALADDIN No prob. I do it all the time. (They are about to kiss. She changes the subject) PRINCESS Wow, you live here? ALADDIN Ehh, I'm just squatting here. PRINCESS It's beautiful. ALADDIN Yeah, it's kind of a mess mess right now. It's hard to keep a big big place like this clean. PRINCESS Well don't you have someone to clean it for you? Like a slave? ALADDIN Well I've got this monkey, but uh, uh , he only cleans his side of the room, leaves the shower curtain open all the time…and he hasn't even started work on our screenplay. Unbelievable. (MONKEY flicks ALADDIN off and exits)
I-4-39 PRINCESS This is so unfair! Poor people need slaves just as much as rich people do! Maybe even a little bit more. And do you know what the really sad part is? The people in power are doing absolutely nothing to change that. Change scares old people. ALADDIN Grownups just don't get us, us, you know? It's like, you're sixteen and I'm…yeah…wow… I'm only thirty-three. I think I've seen it all, but I forget how young I am sometimes. PRINCESS I love how raw this conversation is! You are so so mature! And deep! Of course it's a free thinker like who's struggling struggling to get by. And all because of our totally totally corrupt class system. ALADDIN I hate the class system. system. That's why I said, "Fuck it, it, I'm never going to school again." PRINCESS So, you abandoned everything, to be free? That is so brave. ALADDIN Brave? Me? Yeah. #9 -- Orphaned At Thirty-Three
ALADDIN But I was kinda forced into it. I had to grow up fast. My life has just been…so hard. (Sung) I KNOW YOU THINK I'M THIS PERFECT GUY BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO CONFESS I ONLY HOPE IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU LIKE ME ANY LESS I GOT THIS TRAGIC BACK STORY THAT'S DRIVEN OTHER GIRLS AWAY BUT I FEEL LIKE I CAN TRUST YOU YOU WON'T JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I SAY THE OTHERS COULDN'T HANDLE IT 'CAUSE MY STORY'S JUST TOO SAD BUT HERE I GO, YOU OUTTA KNOW I HAVE NO MOM OR DAD (Spoken) They died. Earlier this this year. Now I'm an orphan. All my parents ever did was support me. Give me a place to stay, tell me they loved me, no matter what. They were really bad parents. How's a thirty-three-year-old kid supposed to know how to survive on his own? You have no idea what it's been like. (Sung) I HAD NO ONE TO BAKE ME BREAD NO ONE TO MAKE MY BED NO ONE TO TEACH ME THE DIFFERENCE
I-4-40 (ALADDIN) BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG OR TO SING ME A SONG I LONG TO BE AS STRONG AS I USED TO BE BUT I WAS ORPHANED AT THIRTY-THREE PRINCESS Aladdin, I am so sorry! I didn't know! ALADDIN I'VE GOT NO ONE TO HOLD ME TIGHT NO ONE TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT NO ONE TO PRESS THEIR BREAST UP AGAINST ME AND SAY "IT'LL ALL BE OK" BUT HEY, THAT'S JUST THE WAY LIFE IS FOR ME SINCE I WAS ORPHANED AT THIRTY-THREE THEY CALL ME A JERKOFF, A BURNOUT, A PUNK BUT I CAN'T LET THAT JUNK IN MY HEAD I COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER IF NOT FOR THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS ARE DEAD ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, I THINK I TURNED OUT PRETTY GOOD PULLED MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS AND STARTED STEALING ALL I COULD STILL THERE'S NO ONE TO LOVE ME NOW BUT I'LL MAKE IT THROUGH SOMEHOW DESPITE BEING SO SADLY AND CRUSHINGLY ALL ALONE BUT I MAKE A SOLEMN VOW THAT WHEN I HAVE KIDS OF MY OWN I'LL BREAK THE CHAIN YOU'LL SEE, I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER SO THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE PAIN OF BEING ORPHANED AT THIRTY-THREE PRINCESS Do you believe in love at first sight? ALADDIN Absolutely. I've experienced it. it. Many, many times. PRINCESS Oh Aladdin! (They are about to kiss. GUARDS enter)
I-4-41 CAPTAIN There you are! ALADDIN/PRINCESS They're after me! They're after you? ALADDIN There she is, guys! Get her! Right there! (GUARDS capture ALADDIN and high-five each other) CAPTAIN Got him! ALADDIN Come on! CAPTAIN (Holding his hand up for a high-five) Princess, I'm so glad we found you before this criminal was able to -PRINCESS Give me my first kiss? kiss? And you -(She turns around and looks at him, puts his hand down) No high five. And you ruined it. Now let him go. CAPTAIN I cannot. This man must face trial for his crimes. PRINCESS But that is not fair! fair! He's a victim of circumstance! circumstance! CAPTAIN Victim? Tell that to Bafool's twin brother Abdul! HE was the victim. PRINCESS Well, unlike Aladdin, he probably had a family who loved him. CAPTAIN Yes. BAFOOL (In tears) Exactly. CAPTAIN This man must face the due punishment for all murdering thieves -- beheading! PRINCESS AWH!
I-4-42 CAPTAIN Don't look at me like that! These are my orders orders from Ja'far. Ja'far. This is all his fault. fault. PRINCESS Ja'far is a MONSTER! #10 -- Ja'far Is a Monster
(Stage darkens. PRINCESS, ALADDIN and GUARDS exit)
I-5-43 ACT ONE SCENE 5
(The desert. Night. JA'FAR meets with a thief --- GAZEEM) JA'FAR You are late. GAZEEM A thousand apologies, O patient one. JA'FAR You have it then? GAZEEM I had to slit a few throats, but I got it. (He hands JA'FAR half a pendant) JA'FAR Oh yes! Yes! The other half of the golden scarab! scarab! Now I can finally find the entrance to the Tiger Head Cave! Wait, wait, what? You slit people's throats? I didn't tell you to kill anyone! This is awful! GAZEEM (Laughs) Ja'far, no. That is just an expression. JA'FAR What? GAZEEM Yeah! It means I got a killer deal at the marketplace. Slit, kill a deal -JA'FAR Oh! So you bought it off a merchant then? GAZEEM Yeah, yeah. A real shrewd businessman too. But I was not intimidated. No. I walked right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy. JA'FAR What?!? GAZEEM Hahaha! Ja'far! That is another common expression! It means that I put that merchant in his place as if he were a defenseless little puppy. JA'FAR Oh! Colorful expressions in the marketplace these days.
I-5-44 GAZEEM You know, Ja'far, you need to learn to to relax. Not take everything so serious, serious, man. JA'FAR Well, I beg your pardon. pardon. You've done an excellent job. Here is your payment. (He hands him money) GAZEEM Ah thank you! Mm! It went great until that merchant merchant realized how bad I screwed him on the price. Man, did he ever chop my dick off! JA'FAR (Thinking that's yet another expression, laughs) Hahaha! He chopped your dick off! That's a good -GAZEEM What the fuck are you laughing at? JA'FAR Wha…? GAZEEM You think that's funny, Ja'far? Maybe you'd like to take a look at where my dick used to be!! (GAZEEM lowers his pants in front of JA'FAR to show he was not kidding) JA'FAR WHOA!!! GAZEEM (Exiting) Asshole! JA'FAR We've got a kingdom to save and a lamp to find. The Tiger Head Cave is said to be a treacherous place. But no matter, I know just just the able bodied soul I can risk in good conscience. (ALADDIN enters) ALADDIN So let me get this straight…you busted me out of jail so I could go to cave filled with mountains of gold, and the only thing you want is a crummy old lamp? JA'FAR Precisely. The rest of the treasure is yours. But the lamp is mine.
I-5-45 ALADDIN I love you, man! I'm gonna have so much gold I could swim through it! Like a pool. Do you think people can really do that? JA'FAR No. But once you have all that money, you can finally leave your life of crime behind. Run away and never return. ALADDIN I'm totally gonna do that. I just gotta do this this one thing first. JA'FAR What thing would that be? ALADDIN Well, this thing, is a girl. JA'FAR What? ALADDIN Yeah. She's got these eyes that just -- and her butt wow! And her totties! She's just -she's just so -- so -JA'FAR Beautiful? ALADDIN Fuckable. But she's the Princess. To even stand stand a chance, I'd have to to have enough money to like, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. Then I can sneak in and, you know, pork her. 'Cause, dude, once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can't move on until I get this nut out. JA'FAR Well first you must escape the Tiger Head Cave with with your life. THEN you can get your nut out! Your eternal nut out. ALADDIN Nice. So where is this place anyway? JA'FAR I don't know… (Pulls out the scarab halves) …yet. (He pieces them together. ALADDIN watches in confusion) ALADDIN Whaaaat…
I-5-46 (The SCARAB lights up and comes come s to life and flies across the stage) #11 -- Happy Ending
JA'FAR It worked! It worked! Follow that trail! (ALADDIN runs after the SCARAB) JA'FAR I'LL BE TREATED LIKE A HERO ALL THE CITIZENS ADORE THEY'LL THROW A PARADE IN MY HONOR WITH PEACOCKS AND MONKEYS GALORE THE PEOPLE WILL CHEER FOR THE ROYAL VIZIER FOR ANSWERING DUTY'S CALL NOT THAT I CARE FOR GLORY I JUST WANT A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING FOR ALL ALADDIN (Reenters) I CAN'T WAIT TO BE A RICH DUDE 'CAUSE I'VE HEARD IT TOLD STEALING IS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY GOT TONS OF GOLD BUT I GOT MY EYE ON WHAT MONEY CAN'T BUY 'CAUSE THAT PRINCESS IS, OOH, HELLA TIGHT I'LL BE THE ONE WHO PLUNDERS HER CAVE OF WONDERS GET A HAPPY ENDING TONIGHT (Lights Up on PRINCESS, in her tower) PRINCESS MY INNOCENT ALADDIN PLEASE DARLING DON'T BE DEAD IT PUTS A DAMPER ON OUR LOVE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A HEAD I WISH THAT YOU COULD FLY AWAY ESCAPE SOMEHOW AND SOAR AND TAKE ME TO A WORLD WHERE WE'LL HAVE EVERYTHING AND MORE
I-5-47 (Lights Out on PRINCESS. The cave appears) JA'FAR Oh there it is! The entrance to the Tiger Head Cave! Go on! (ALADDIN enters the cave) JA'FAR AND ONE DAY THE GENIE WILL SAY TO ME: "JA'FAR, YOU'RE A MAN OF SUCH VIRTUE I HATE TO SEE HOW YOUR LONELINESS AND YOUR MEMORIES HURT YOU SHOULDN'T A MAN WHO'S SO NOBLE AND WHO'S INFLUENCE IS SO GLOBAL HAVE SOMEONE BY HIS SIDE? I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WISHIN' SO WITH YOUR PERMISSION I'D LIKE TO BRING BACK YOUR BRIDE" (SHERREZADE is briefly seen in a spotlight. They reach for each other. She blows him a kiss and disappears) d isappears) AND WITH MY WIFE BESIDE ME MY FAILURES WILL BE ABSOLVED THE WORLD WILL BE A PARADISE WITH ALL ITS PROBLEMS SOLVED WE'LL RETIRE TO SOME FAR PLACE AND SHARE AN ITTY-BITTY LIVING SPACE A HUMBLE YET COZY ABODE (Lights Back Up on PRINCESS and ALADDIN, ALADDIN, who is inside the cave. All three voices overlapping) JA'FAR WHERE WE CAN WRITE OUR OWN HAPPY ENDING PRINCESS I WANT EVERYTHING AND MORE… ALADDIN I STEAL EVERYTHING JA'FAR WE'LL GET OUR HAPPY ENDING ALADDIN MEANING EVERYTHING JA'FAR AND THAT HAPPY ENDING STARTS…
I-5-48 PRINCESS I WANT EVERYTHING… ALADDIN I'LL STEAL EVERYTHING… ALL …TONIGHT…! (PRINCESS disappears. ALADDIN comes out of the cave, riding riding the MAGIC CARPET) ALADDIN Woo-hoo! JA'FAR What happened? ALADDIN Dude! I was swimming swimming through this pile of gold in there, right? When it all turned into lava! I'm so lucky lucky I escaped on this this flying carpet. JA'FAR Did you get the lamp? ALADDIN Well I got A lamp. JA'FAR Oh wonderful, boy! Toss it here! ALADDIN Not so fast. You said you wanted a common oil lamp. JA'FAR Yes. ALADDIN Of absolutely no value. JA'FAR Precisely, that's the one! ALADDIN No. This couldn't be it. Because this lamp has a magic Djinn inside. He came out for a bit, and he's really funny! JA'FAR Oh I'm sorry I knew about the Djinn, I'm sorry sorry that I deceived you. I just needed it to to save the kingdom.
I-5-49 ALADDIN Well you lied, dude! All that other treasure was just lava in disguise! So I'm stealing stealing this thing. Aladdin -- one; old fart -- zippo! See ya! #11a -- Act I Finale
(ALADDIN flies away on the magic carpet) JA'FAR No. NOOOOO!!! (BLACKOUT. CURTAIN) END OF ACT ONE
II-1-50 ACT TWO SCENE 1 #12 -- Entr'acte
(MUSIC turns into a marching beat. Lights Up on ACHMED in his palace addressing a platoon of SOLDIERS) ACHMED Soldiers! Armies of Pik-zahr! Pik-zahr! My faithful faithful legions! Your prince has returned! returned! SOLDIER 1 (Jim) Prince Achmed, there you are. SOLDIER 2 (Lauren) We'd almost forgotten about you. SOLDIER 3 (Robert) We weren't sure if you were ever coming back, my prince. ACHMED Of course I came back! Why wouldn't I? Men! You would not believe the disrespect disrespect that I was shown on my journey to the Magic Kingdom. But I come to you with proof of the crimes done against me. Everyone, look at my ass! (He shows them the rip in his pants) Tell me, what do you see? SOLDIER 1 A smooth set of cheeks, my prince. SOLDIER 2 A clean and pert ass, my lord. SOLDIER 3 I see the back of your balls. ACHMED (Annoyed) That's right. CLAW MARKS is is what you see. see. SOLDIERS Ohh. ACHMED And how do you suppose they got there? SOLDIER 1 You received the manhood of a badger?
II-1-51 SOLDIER 2 You smiled at a crocodile? SOLDIER 3 Those are stretch marks, they happen. ACHMED No! It was a tiger! SOLDIER 1 Oh, I see! You received the manhood of a tiger! SOLDIER 2 Yes! Did you hear that, lads? Our prince made love to a tiger! SOLDIER 3 All hail Achmed! The tiger fucker! SOLDIERS Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! ACHMED I DID NOT NOT FUCK A TIGER!!! TIGER!!! One was set upon me. That darn cat tore tore through the seat of my pants and grabbed ahold of my Woody. SOLDIERS (A pause) Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! ACHMED No! No! No! My WOODY. Look. (He pulls out a Woody doll from Toy from Toy Story ) His arm is all all fucked up. And now, now he can't come with me to Cowboy Camp! (Tosses the doll Offstage) All because of that ungrateful, odious, pretty, beautiful, beautiful princess. (Weeps) It's never going to happen. A girl like her. A guy like like me. I'm not handsome of the the face. SOLDIER 2 No! ACHMED Silence! I have this weird sticky-uppy nose and this ridiculous moustache. I should just shave it! SOLDIER 1 Don't you dare! SOLDIER 2 We love you just the way you are!
II-1-52 SOLDIER 3 No matter what happens, you will always be a prince to me. ACHMED Thank you. #13 -- No One Remembers Achmed
SOLDIER 1 IN YOUR HOMELAND YOU'RE A LEGEND SOLDIER 2 ALL THE PEOPLE KNOW YOUR NAME SOLDIER 3 ON THE BATTLEFIELD AND OFF YOU ARE SUPERIOR ACHMED I know. (Sung) IN THE KINGDOM THOUGH I'M FINDING THAT MY ONLY CLAIM TO FAME IS AN INCIDENT INVOLVING MY POSTERIOR SOLDIERS POSTERIOR ACHMED Please. (Sung) I'VE WON SCORES OF BLOODY WARS AND MOPPED THE FLOORS WITH MY FOES BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED I'VE EVISCERATED PEASANTS FROM THEIR HEADS DOWN TO THEIR TOES BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED SAY MY NAME IN THESE PARTS AND YOU'LL GET A VACANT STARE UNTIL YOU MENTION TIGERS OR SPOTTED UNDERWEAR SOLDIERS SPOTTED UNDERWEAR ACHMED SO TO RESTORE MY REPUTE AS A FIERCE FEARSOME BRUTE, THERE'S ONLY ONE ROUTE I SEE:
II-1-53 (ACHMED) ARRANGE THE SLAUGHTER OF MILLIONS OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS THEN THEY'LL REMEMBER ME (Spoken) The kingdom has oppressed us for years. But I've been ignored for for too long. We're going to war! SOLDIER 1 CAKED IN MUD OR DRENCHED IN BLOOD, YOU SMELL AS FRESH AS A FLOWER ACHMED I guess… SOLDIERS BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED SOLDIER 2 YOU CAN PLEASURE SIXTY CONCUBINES IN ONLY AN HOUR ACHMED Less! SOLDIERS BUT NO ONE REMEMBERS ACHMED ACHMED BACK HOME I WAS A HERO LADIES TREMBLED WHEN I SPOKE BUT HERE THE WOMEN TREAT ME LIKE A THROWAWAY JOKE SOLDIERS THROW HIM AWAY ACHMED I'M A GOD ON EARTH BUT DARNIT EVEN DEITIES INCARNATE NOW AND THEN CAN FEEL A LITTLE INSECURE SOLDIERS INSECURE ACHMED ALL I WANT IS SOME AFFECTION THIS REJECTION'S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO ENDURE…
II-1-54 SOLDIERS TO ENDURE LOOK AT ALL HE MUST ENDURE ACHMED Am I not a thing of beauty? Don't you want a piece of this? this? Wouldn't you gladly give give up all of your worldly possessions just to greet me when I come home from a one-sided massacre, and bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue? SOLDIERS YOU OOZE SEX WHEN YOU FLEX THOSE IMPECCABLE PECS ACHMED BUT THE PRINCESS REJECTS ME STILL SHE MAY NOT LOVE ME YET BUT I'M WILLING TO BET THAT ONCE I KILL ALL HER PEOPLE SHE WILL… SOLDIERS YES SHE WILL YES SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL ACHMED LET THEM LAUGH, THAT'S JUST FINE BUT THE LAST LAUGH WILL BE MINE ALL 'CAUSE THEY CAN'T LAUGH WHEN THEY'RE ALL DEAD I'LL MAKE THEM ALL REGRET THE DAY THEY CHOSE TO FORGET ACHMED WHAT'S THAT NAME EVERYONE? SOLDIERS TIGER-FUCKER! ACHMED No! Like I said, what's that name? SOLDIERS YOU'RE THE COCK OF THE WALK WITH ABS AS HARD AS A ROCK NEVERMORE WILL THEY MOCK YOU ACHMED SOLDIER 1 HE FUCKED A TIGER
II-1-55 ACHMED I did not fuck a tiger! SOLDIERS THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED… THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED… THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED… ACHMED THEY'LL REMEMBER ME… SOLDIERS TIGER FUCKER, TIGER FUCKER ACHMED IS A TIGER FUCKER! THEY'LL REMEMBER ACHMED THE TIGER FUCKING MAN! ACHMED What?! #13a -- No One Remembers Achmed -- Playoff
ACHMED March! (ACHMED and SOLDIERS march Offstage. Lights dim)
II-2-56 ACT TWO SCENE 2
(Lights Up on PRINCESS' room. room. JA'FAR enters) JA'FAR Knock-knock. PRINCESS Oh…you. Aren't you busy busy ruining my life? JA'FAR I noticed you weren't at dinner, but I saw you tried to to poison my wine. Usually when you do that, it means you want to talk. What's up, are you mad at me? (No response. response. He pretends to leave) All right. I've got to go find the antidote. antidote. PRINCESS (Giving in) Where are you going? JA'FAR There she is! So what's wrong? PRINCESS Everything! You ripped my heart out and smashed smashed it into a million pieces. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. JA'FAR Uhhhh… PRINCESS You know, that innocent innocent boy from the marketplace. The one that you sentenced to death? (JA'FAR is blank) You know! Al -- Al…Illuuh -JA'FAR Aladdin? PRINCESS Yes Aladdin! The name that will forever be burned into my soul. JA'FAR First of all, I would hardly call him a boy. He was well into his thirties. PRINCESS He was perfect! Like if you cobbled together all the best features from all the best guys, and then gave them a tragic backstory! It's like he was designed designed specifically to appeal to me.
II-2-57 JA'FAR Princess, he was not a nice kind of fellow. PRINCESS You just didn't know him like I did. JA'FAR No, YOU didn't know him like I did! PRINCESS I knew everything about him! He was my soul mate! My -- my -- God, I am flaking out, what was his name? JA'FAR Aladdin. PRINCESS Aladdin? I'm writing writing that down. (She pulls out a pen and writes on the palm of her hand) Two L's? JA'FAR Uh…no. One L, two D's. D's. PRINCESS Oh, that looks weird. JA'FAR Yeah it's weird. weird. Princess, all your life I've been your vizier, your tutor. Believe it or not, I care about you. You're going to have to rule this kingdom one day and I'm trying my best to prepare you. PRINCESS But I don't want to be prepared. I want to expect the unexpected. JA'FAR So you think you can handle ruling the kingdom right now? PRINCESS Absolutely! JA'FAR Then how would you like to protect the kingdom against Prince Achmed should he invade? PRINCESS Well -- who? JA'FAR Or more simply, how would you fix the socioeconomic inequality?
II-2-58 PRINCESS Oh, oh! I've been thinking about this a lot lately. And uh hmm, how privileged I am. And how, because I am the Princess, everyone has to be nice to me and give me things. So I think it would solve all of the kingdom's problems if we just made everyone a princess! JA'FAR Okay… PRINCESS You know it would work! JA'FAR Look, you're young. You don't exactly get how things work yet. And, while I don't appreciate any of your ideas, I do appreciate the fact that you HAVE ideas. Maybe one day you'll have some GOOD ones. But I wouldn't give another thought to to this Aladdin. He's just like all the other princes in our kingdom. Sexual predators the lot of them! Their tactics target vulnerable, young girls, and build up false senses of trust and then isolate them on magic rides rides of sorts. And when the moment is right, right, they whip it out. (PRINCESS has a disgusted look on her face) You know…their songs. PRINCESS Ohh. Songs. JA'FAR Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. songs. A song is often a prelude to a dick. A song is a dick in sheep's sheep's clothing. And if you are ever in doubt, just remember this song: #14 -- A Song Is a Dick In Sheep's Clothing
JA'FAR A SONG IS A DICK IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING A SONG MEANS A DICK IS ON THE WAY (CAPTAIN enters. MUSIC stops) CAPTAIN Ja'far! JA'FAR What is it, it, Captain? Can't you see I'm trying to impart impart a life lesson? I feel like like you only come to see me when there's bad news. CAPTAIN Not this time. JA'FAR Oh, thank heavens. What is it then?
II-2-59 CAPTAIN HORRIBLE news. Some fool atop an elephant is leading a parade throughout the marketplace. JA'FAR A parade? With no permits? No clearing of the streets? What of the apple carts? CAPTAIN They're all turned over! JA'FAR No! CAPTAIN And it gets worse. The madman's throwing gold pieces to the starving masses. And they're trampling each other to get to it. I counted thirteen dead before the peacocks got to them. JA'FAR Oh shit. CAPTAIN This is all your fault, Ja'far. Maybe if YOU threw a parade every once in a while – JA'FAR I don't want to hear it!! Captain, let's go. Princess, we'll talk later. CAPTAIN (Exiting) It was actually actually a pretty good parade. They even had a flying flying carpet. JA'FAR (Aside) A flying carpet…could it be? No! That Aladdin is far too clever to show his face in the city again. And even if he did, he'd be in such heavy disguise. (JA'FAR exits. ALADDIN enters in a brand new outfit) #14a -- Aladdin's Second Entrance
ALADDIN Knock, knock, knock! Did somebody order a prince? PRINCESS (Gasps, looks at the palm of her hand) Aladdin! (She embraces him) ALADDIN How the fuck did you know it was me?
II-2-60 PRINCESS Because it IS you, you're just wearing different clothes. ALADDIN Wow. Pretty AND smart. smart. You're the the whole shebang, babe. PRINCESS But how did you escape being executed? ALADDIN Uh…I escaped 'cause I'm a prince. PRINCESS You're a prince? But I thought that you were a poor orphan boy. Oh I'm having trouble believing this. ALADDIN No! No! I AM a prince! Everything I told you the other night was a lie. Don't you trust me? PRINCESS So…you're not a tragic figure rebelling against The Man? ALADDIN Babe, I AM The Man. PRINCESS And you stole all that stuff just 'cause? ALADDIN Exactly. PRINCESS Ugh. Oh no. Okay, um, now I'm kind of feeling like everything about you that was attractive to me before isn't really really there anymore. No! No, I'm just being indecisive. It's still you. I've just got to get back on that high that I was was on before. ALADDIN Oh. You want to get high? PRINCESS Yes. Look into my eyes and talk to me some more about the world's world's injustice! ALADDIN Sure. Just let me me roll this blunt first. (He steps aside, takes off his hat and spea ks into it) Yo Djinn, listen up, little dude. I know I can't wish for this chick to fall in love with me 'cause that's against your rules or whatever. But I don't want her to love me. I just want her to fuck me. Can I wish for that? (Holds the hat up to his ear)
II-2-61 ALADDIN No?!? Jeez, how many rules do you got, dude? (Angrily shakes the hat) Funny bastard. (Puts the bat back on) All right. Guess I'm gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. (Addresses the Audience) Hey! Aladdin here. How you guys doing tonight? tonight? (Waits for their reaction) Cool, now shut up for a second, I want to get serious. serious. You guys know there's a way to get people to think about sex without without even talking about sex? You just gotta do it subliminally. Watch and learn. (Goes back to PRINCESS) Hey, babe, it's such a beautiful night -- take off your clothes. clothes. PRINCESS What did you just say? ALADDIN I said it's beautiful out. PRINCESS Oh. ALADDIN Look at the west tower of the palace -- and take off your clothes. clothes. What does it look look like? A big, long shaft, with a tiny head on top. What does that remind you of? of? PRINCESS A giraffe! ALADDIN Really? That's not what I see. Maybe you can't -- take off your clothes -clothes -- get a good look at it from down here. What do you say we take a magic carpet ride? -- And -- And your clothes off . (The MAGIC CARPET flies in. ALADDIN hops on it) PRINCESS Ooh! ALADDIN Let's go to a place that's a bit more isolated -- where you can't escape taking off your clothes. Take off your clothes, take off your clothes, take off your clothes, clothes, take off your clothes… (Scene freezes. PRINCESS speaks to the Audience) PRINCESS Oh no, you guys. Do you think that Ja'far could be right about Aladdin?
II-2-62 AUDIENCE PLANT I don't think so! PRINCESS Me neither! Aladdin is so nice and charming. I mean, it's not like he's singing or anything. #15 -- Take Off Your Clothes
ALADDIN SEE THAT PALACE OF GOLD? SHINING, SPARKLING, METALLIC AND A LITTLE BIT PHALLIC TAKE A LOOK AND YOU'LL AGREE SEE THOSE LEAVES ON THE GROUND? SPELLING SOMETHING EXPLICIT PRINCESS S-F-X? ALADDIN DON'T YOU BLINK OR YOU'LL MISS IT GENTLY ASKING YOU AND ME TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES SO MANY HIDDEN MESSAGES SUBTLE, YET SLIGHTLY LEWD BUT IF YOU'RE SHREWD THEY'LL PUT YOU IN THE MOOD TO TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES PRINCESS I FEEL COMPELLED SUBCONSCIOUSLY I DON'T KNOW WHY OR HOW BUT HERE AND NOW I'M TEMPTED TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES WITH YOU… ALADDIN I WANNA TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES WITH YOU PRINCESS I FEEL FREE AS A BIRD WITH NO CAGE AND NO OWNER ALADDIN LOOK, THAT PRIEST HAS A BONER
II-2-63 PRINCESS NO, I THINK THAT'S JUST HIS KNEES ALADDIN TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
PRINCESS WHAT A PERFECT ROMANCE
THE UNIVERSE IS TELLING YOU I CAN'T WAIT TILL WE'RE MARRIED EACH SIGN IS PLANTED THERE WITH LOVING CARE ACCEPT THE COSMIC DARE AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES PRINCESS TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS SHOW ME YOUR MAGIC CARPET
AND TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND WITH ME
BOTH EVEN THE STARS ABOVE REFLECT OUR LOVE THEY WANT ME TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES WITH YOU (Behind them the stars spell out FUCK EACH OTHER) PRINCESS You love me? ALADDIN Sure. PRINCESS And you're a prince? ALADDIN Babe, I'm the most powerful prince in the world. PRINCESS More powerful than Prince Achmed? ALADDIN I don't even know who that is. PRINCESS Maybe this is how I help save the kingdom. By marrying you. Marry me, Aladdin! ALADDIN (Thinks for a minute) If I do, will you (Sings) TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES?
II-2-64 PRINCESS WAIT, NOT SO FAST ALADDIN TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES PRINCESS LET'S MAKE THIS LAST ALADDIN AT LEAST YOUR TOP PRINCESS ALADDIN, STOP ALADDIN Listen, babe, I know you're scared. I am too. I've never done this before. PRINCESS Well, until we're married, can't we just sit out here and look up at the stars? ALADDIN Okay. Okay. Hey. I respect you, y'know? (They cuddle for a second, then…) TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES #15a -- Take Off Your Clothes -- Playoff
(Lights Dim. They exit, making swishy swishy carpet noises)
II-3-65 ACT TWO SCENE 3
(Another part of the palace, later that night. Enter the SULTAN with MONKEY) SULTAN Hahahaha. But…let me ask you this: this: is your penis an innie or an outie? MONKEY Mmmhh… Innie. SULTAN Hmm. Mine too. JA'FAR (Enters) Sultan! My lord, lord, my liege. SULTAN Ja'far, can't you see I'm in the middle of a mind-blowing conversation with this furry man? What is it? JA'FAR I was just in the marketplace clearing up after an unauthorized parade, when I saw him. Prince Achmed is back! SULTAN Who? JA'FAR (Groveling) I prayed that he was just just a one-off joke, not to be taken seriously. But he's brought the entire army of Pik-Zahr with him and they'll break through through our walls. Our kingdom is doomed! And I have failed you. SULTAN Yes. You have. Like always. And like always, I've had to rectify rectify your incompetence! JA'FAR (Stands) What? How? SULTAN Yes! The Princess has finally chosen a suitor. A prince whom she will wed upon the morrow. He will call upon his armies and they will defeat Prince Achmed. JA'FAR Who is this man? This hero?
II-3-66 SULTAN Why, the greatest prince in all the world! Why, he's got fifty elephants, llamas galore. Bears, lions… MONKEY A brass band! SULTAN A brass band! (ALADDIN and PRINCESS enter) ALADDIN And whores! Don't forget about all my whores! #16 -- Aladdin's Third Entrance
JA'FAR You! Where is is the the lamp? (Grabs him) ALADDIN Whoa! Please don't hurt me! me! SULTAN Ja'far, what are you doing to that prince? JA'FAR This is no prince! This is the the wanted thief Aladdin! Aladdin! ALADDIN How the fuck did you know it was me? PRINCESS Ja'far, no. Aladdin explained everything everything to me. He was just pretending to be a wanted criminal. For fun. He's actually a powerful prince. JA'FAR No, he's a liar. This is the truth: I took him into the desert in search of a lamp containing a wish-granting djinn. djinn. Just stay with me. I was hoping to use the lamp to save the kingdom but this thief stole stole it from me. And now I suspect… Oh, what the fuck am I talking about? I know. I KNOW that that he used the lamp and wished for for this prince prince costume! That is what we are looking at right now. I bet the lamp is under that lamp sized hat! ALADDIN Bullshit! Why would I pretend to be a prince? Just to to get laid? That's not me.
II-3-67 JA'FAR Boy, do the first good deed of your life and hand over the lamp. You have selfishly squandered its magic for long enough! ALADDIN Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Why are you picking on me, Ja'far? Afraid I'll I'll reveal your little secret? JA'FAR What secret? ALADDIN Does anyone else here ever wonder how this guy just opens his yapper and can talk anybody into anything he wants? What's he using? JA'FAR Logic. Reason. ALADDIN See, I was kinda thinking uh… Magic. (MUSIC) Sultan, Princess, this guy is a sorcerer! JA'FAR What! ALADDIN Think about it! How is it it that he knows so much shit? shit? Hey, Ja'far, where do hippopotamuses come from? JA'FAR Africa. ALADDIN See, you fucking know that, sorcerer! JA'FAR You are flying by the seat of your pants, boy. No one here believes you! SULTAN Yes. I can't believe it. I have had a sorcerer sorcerer in my midst this entire time! Guards! Capture that sorcerer! JA'FAR No! CAPTAIN (Entering) This is your own fault, fault, Ja'far! I should've known you were a sorcerer. sorcerer.
II-3-68 JA'FAR You idiots! You're all idiots! idiots! Taking the word of that worthless street rat over a lifelong faithful servant! How I ever served you for all these years I'll never understand. I would've expected this from all you bozos, but Princess, I am very disappointed in you. SULTAN All right, I've heard enough. Seize that vile vile betrayer. Off with his head! JA'FAR (Mostly to the Audience) No, I don't want to get my head chopped off! So I'm going to combine this bottle of Potassium Chlorate and this bottle of Sodium Bicarbonate. It will create a large cloud of smoke which I'll use as a cover to make my escape. It will look as if something magical has happened, but it's simply a chemical reaction, not sorcery. Chemistry. (He mixes the bottles) And poof! #16a -- Not Sorcery, Chemistry
(Lights Go Out. Smoke rises. rises. JA'FAR is gone. Everyone else is coughing. Lights Up) ALADDIN Whoa! I thought I was just bullshitting bullshitting you guys! But he actually was was a sorcerer! (Suddenly creeped out) Ohh I was in the same room as a sorcerer! SULTAN Captain! Find that sorcerer! (SULTAN, CAPTAIN, PRINCESS and MONKEY exit) ALADDIN Oh I can handle this, I got one wish left! I was saving it for for a bigger dick, but… (He takes off his hat and reaches in) Oh shit! shit! Where's the lamp? lamp? (Lights Dim, ALADDIN runs off)
II-4-69 ACT TWO SCENE 4
(JA'FAR'S quarters. He enters holding the lamp) #17 -- Twisted
JA'FAR I'VE GONE AGAINST MY SULTAN, THE HIGHEST ACT OF TREASON BUT I HAD GOOD INTENTIONS I DID IT FOR A REASON. THEY'LL KILL ME IF I'M LUCKY THEY'LL TORTURE ME IF NOT WHAT MADE ME THINK THAT I COULD GET AWAY WITH SUCH A PLOT? IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BRING IT BACK PERHAPS I'LL BE FORGIVEN BUT IF MY CRIME CAN HELP IMPROVE THE WORLD WE ALL MUST LIVE IN AM I NOT BOUND BY DUTY TO THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION? HOW DOES THE GOLDEN RULE APPLY IN SUCH A SITUATION? AS A CITIZEN I THINK I WOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE AID BUT IF I WERE THE SULTAN, I SHOULD HATE TO BE BETRAYED WHICHEVER ROAD I TAKE WILL ONLY ENCOURAGE SOMEONE'S WRATH 'TIL NOW I'VE ALWAYS TRAVELED DOWN THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW PATH TEMPTATION MAY HAVE BECKONED, BUT I ALWAYS HAVE RESISTED, BUT WHICH WAY DO I TURN WHEN THE ROAD'S BECOME SO…SO… (From Offstage, we hear the voice of URSULA THE SEA WITCH) URSULA (Jaime Lyn) Twisted? (She enters) JA'FAR Who are you?
II-4-70 URSULA A fellow traveler down a twisted path. JA'FAR I know you from Sherrezade's stories! URSULA Uh-uh-uh. You think you know me, as others think they know you, but there are two two sides to every story. (Sung) I USED TO BE THE RULER OF THE OCEAN I WAS BENEVOLENT AND ALWAYS KEPT MY WORD BUT MY BROTHER HELD THE ANTIQUATED NOTION THAT WOMEN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NEVER HEARD SO HE DETHRONED ME AND DISOWNED ME AND ON TOP OF THAT REZONED ME TO THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE KINGDOM IN A CAVE TOOK MY SCEPTER AND MY CROWN THOUGH I TRIED TO TAKE HIM DOWN THE TRUTH AND I NOW SHARE A WATERY GRAVE. THE STORY LINGERS ON BUT THE VERSION THAT IS DRAWN IS TWISTED SCAR (Nick) (Offstage) A pain I know all too well. (Enters, sings) THE PRIDE HAD NEVER SEEN A MORE PROGRESSIVE KING THAN ME BOTH LION AND HYENA LIVED IN PERFECT HARMONY I BROUGHT AN END TO WHAT HAD BEEN A SENSELESS AGE-OLD FEUD I WAS PREPARED FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT ENSUED MY BROTHER ATE MY HEIRS -- MY PRECIOUS CUBS! -AND STOLE MY THRONE RETURNED TO SEGREGATION AND THE HATEFUL WAYS WE'D KNOWN THOUGH I'D ADVOCATE FOR UNITY, I ALWAYS WAS DENOUNCED SO WHEN I SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO RIGHT THE WRONG -I POUNCED! THE PRIDE CAME BEFORE MY FALL IN A FATE THAT ONE MIGHT CALL -WELL, TWISTED (Spoken) They weren't ready for my ideas.
II-4-71 URSULA No, they didn't hate you because of your ideas. They hated you because of that evillooking scar on your face. Fortune favors the beautiful. GASTON (Robert) (Offstage) Au contraire! (Enters) My only crime was love. In town there was only she who was as beautiful as me -- on the inside. But then, tragedy struck. She was taken hostage in in a castle castle filled with demonic furniture. So I did what anyone would do and I organized a rescue rescue mission. But how was I to know that she had fallen in love with with her captor? To me, that doesn't seem entirely healthy, especially since he's a wolf-bear thing. A buffalo monster. In a cape. But the heart wants what it wants -(Sung) AND SOMETIMES WHAT IT WANTS IS TWISTED OFFSTAGE VOICES TWISTED, TWISTED… (Repeats under the following dialogue): URSULA I only wished to reclaim what was mine! SCAR I only wished for equal rights for all! GASTON I only wished to save her! MALEFICENT (Lauren) (Enters) I only wished to be invited to the party! SCAR I only wished to improve relations between the races! CAPTAIN HOOK (Alex) (Enters) I only wished to teach the boy responsibility… URSULA I only wished to give the people a voice… CAPTAIN HOOK …So he wouldn't end up like me. GASTON I only wished to love her!
II-4-72 URSULA To help the miserable, lonely, and depressed! MALEFICENT To be included… SCAR To live in harmony! MALEFICENT …For once! CAPTAIN HOOK I never knew my father! ALL VILLAINS (Frenzied) I only wished -- I only wished -I only wished -- I only wished -I only wished -- I only wished -I only wished -- I only wished --
SOLO VILLAINS (Overlapping) -- for justice! -- for love! -- for freedom! -- for peace!
ALL I only wished! I only wished! I only wished! (Repeat until…) CRUELLA DE VIL (Denise) (Enters) I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies! (MUSIC stops. ALL react in horror with a cluttered conversation): ALL (Adlib) Oh my God! What's wrong with with you lady? Just leave! Why would you do that? That's insane! Get out! You're not helping! Etc. (CRUELLA DE VIL leaves. MUSIC starts again) URSULA It's an unfortunate situation… (As the other VILLAINS exit) But you do have a choice. (And she is gone) JA'FAR WHAT REMAINS OF A MAN WHEN THAT MAN IS DEAD AND GONE? ONLY MEMORIES AND STORIES OF HIS DEEDS WILL LINGER ON
II-4-73 (JA'FAR) BUT IF A MAN'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS AREN'T IN THE TALE THEY TELL ARE THE DEEDS THAT GO UNHERALDED HIS LEGACY AS WELL? IF A WAR BREAKS OUT TOMORROW, WE'LL ALL HAVE HELL TO PAY WHY PROTECT MY REPUTATION? I'M A DEAD MAN EITHER WAY WAY HOW WILL THEY TELL MY STORY? HOW WILL THEY TELL MY TALE? WILL ANYBODY EVEN CARE? THE QUESTION THEN IS WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO BE WELL-LIKED BUT INEFFECTUAL, OR MORAL BUT MALIGNED? I'LL NEVER BE A HERO WHO ALL THE CITIZENS ADORE BUT IF I HIDE TO SAVE MY LIFE, WHAT HAS MY LIFE BEEN FOR? WHAT HAS MY LIFE BEEN FOR? THE ROAD AHEAD MAY TWIST, BUT I WILL NEVER SWERVE I'LL GIVE THEM ALL THE UNSUNG ANTIHERO THEY DESERVE I'VE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE SO THE ONLY PATH TO CHOOSE IS TWISTED LET THEM TWIST MY WORDS, LET THE PEOPLE SCORN ME WHO CARES IF NO ONE WILL EVER MOURN ME? LET THEM BURY THE SIDE OF THE STORY THEY'LL NEVER LEARN LET THE TRUTH BE TWISTED LET MY LIFE BE TWISTED I'LL BE TWISTED, IT'S MY TURN! OFFSTAGE VOICES OH OH OH! (JA'FAR rubs the the magic lamp. Lights Go Out) #17a -- Army March
II-5-74 ACT TWO SCENE 5
(The Palace Gates. The next morning. ACHMED and his ARMY enter) ACHMED Citizens of the Magic Kingdom: Kingdom: your armies have abandoned you. Your ruling class is corrupt and we have come to put an end to your tyrannical rule! PRINCESS (Enters) You'll never end our tyrannical rule! ACHMED Oh Princess! Funny seeing you here. It is I, Prince Achmed! PRINCESS Who? ACHMED Prince Achmed. I visited visited you last week. I swore swore vengeance? I brought my army to ravage your people? PRINCESS Oh! That's right! Didn't my tiger eat your ass? SOLDIERS Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! ACHMED Stop it! (Turns to PRINCESS) No! Your tiger did not eat… (Through gritted teeth to his SOLDIERS) …or fuck…my ass. It is I who will be doing the fucking today. SOLDIER 1 That's right. Bring Achmed his tiger and nobody gets hurt. ACHMED SHUT UP! Stop it. Uh, what I meant was that I'm going to fucking destroy this kingdom. PRINCESS I'm so sorry, Achmed. You are not fucking destroying this this kingdom anytime soon. ACHMED What?
II-5-75 PRINCESS We have a great and powerful prince prince to protect us. One with an army far greater than yours! ACHMED Impossible. PRINCESS It is said that he faced the galloping hordes. (ACHMED shrugs) That's like a hundred bad guys with with swords. Soon you will be the one surrendering! surrendering! Prince Achmed, make way for Prince Aladdin! (ACHMED and SOLDIERS take a fighting stance. Nothing happens) Aladdin! (Again, nothing) Al -(She looks at her palm) Yeah, Aladdin! Where is he? ACHMED Heeheeheehee! It appears that your prince has cold feet! Now step aside, Princess. It's not you that I'm after. I come for the head of the the Sultan. JA'FAR (Enters) Then you come for my head, Achmed! PRINCESS Ja'far? ACHMED Ja'far… SOLDIER 3 (Almost singing) Ja'far! (ACHMED glares at him, then turns to JA'FAR) ACHMED What is the the meaning of this? this? You are not the the Sultan. JA'FAR Yes I am! I have been gifted gifted power, Achmed! And soon I will have the power to destroy your puny army! ACHMED Impossible. #18 -- Djinn Fanfare
II-5-76 JA'FAR Come forth, my Djinn! You all powerful and terrible thing! thing! You who can command the very stars and the moon! Come forth and serve serve your master! (PRINCESS exits. JA'FAR rubs rubs the lamp. The DJINN enters. He is immediately captivated by the Audience. He speaks only in in movie and TV references, impersonating various celebrities) DJINN (to JA'FAR, ala Robert De Niro) You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? JA'FAR Yes I am talking to you! Now get your ass over here! DJINN (Jack Nicholson) Here's Johnny! JA'FAR All right, Johnny. DJINN (Jeff Goldblum) That's the thing, John, uh, when Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists. JA'FAR So I've used my first wish to become the Sultan! DJINN (Jimmy Stewart) I wish I had a million dollars. Hot dog! JA'FAR Okay calm the fuck down! Now I must use your powers again, my Djinn. DJINN (Humphrey Bogart) Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. JA'FAR Who? DJINN (Orson Wells) Rosebud. ACHMED Ja'far, what's going on here? Who's this very funny blue man standing next to you?
II-5-77 JA'FAR This is my Djinn, Johnny. DJINN (Arnold Schwarzenegger) I'm Turboman! JA'FAR I'm sorry, I guess his name is actually Turboman. DJINN (Michael Keaton) Ssh! I'm Batman! JA'FAR Just give me a minute. (Pulls DJINN aside) Listen! I am a mortal man and don't understand your strange godlike tongue. You're going to have to work with me here. DJINN (Bob Hoskins) I don't work for toons. A toon killed my brother. JA'FAR I have got to use my second wish to destroy that army, and to do that, I've got to become more than a man. I've got to become -DJINN A symbol? JA'FAR No. DJINN A jedi? JA'FAR No. DJINN A dick for! JA'FAR What's a dick for? (EVERYONE laughs! Even JA'FAR chortles chortles a bit) ACHMED Oh! He got your ass! ass! He got your ass!
II-5-78 JA'FAR NO! I've got to become a sorcerer! Can you do that? DJINN Yeah… (Clint Eastwood) But you're gonna have to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" lucky?" Well do ya, punk? JA'FAR Yes, I do feel lucky. I've got a magic magic Djinn! But I think he might be a fucking moron! DJINN (Mike Myers) Hey. Don't look at me like I'm frickin Frankenstein. Frankenstein. Give your father a hug. Scott, Scott, c'mon, Scott. (Confused, JA'FAR gives the DJINN a hug) DJINN (Charlton Heston) Get your stinking paws off me, you damn, dirty ape! JA'FAR Turboman! My fuse is about this long long right now. Are you referencing something? Are you trying to make me laugh at some work of fiction that that I'm unaware of? I was not charmed by the song you sang when you came out of the lamp, and I am not charmed by your crazy bullshit now. You either need to back me the fuck fuck up, or shut the fuck up. Got it? DJINN (Renée Zellweger) You had me at Hello. JA'FAR Good. JA'FAR (Turns away) Achmed, are you still there? ACHMED Yes. JA'FAR Prepare to die! I make my second wish. I wish to to become the most powerful sorcerer in the world.
II-5-79 DJINN (Mike Myers again) Schwing. #19 – The Battle
(Lights Go Out for a moment. When they come back on, the DJINN is gone along with the lamp) ACHMED Don't just just stand stand there! Charge! (The SOLDIERS attack JA'FAR. Using his new powers, he telekinetically sends them flying Offstage) SOLDIER 2 Hey! Where we going? (JA'FAR exits. exits. ACHMED chases after him. Scene shifts to inside the palace. ALADDIN enters) ALADDIN Monkey? Monkey? I got the carpet, where'd you go? Ah, forget him. See ya in hell, Monkey! See ya in hell, Princess! See ya in hell, kingdom! PRINCESS (Enters) Aladdin! ALADDIN I was looking all over for you! PRINCESS Achmed is attacking. Where is your army? ALADDIN Uh, they're just lost right now. I'm gonna go meet them halfway, then then bring them back here and -PRINCESS We don't have time time for that. We're all gonna die! ALADDIN Right! And what's the last thing you wanna do before that happens? Take off your clothes. clothes. That's right, right, have sex! Hurry, take off your clothes. PRINCESS I'm not going to take off my clothes in the middle of a battle! (Exits)
II-5-80 ALADDIN Why not? (ALADDIN follows her Offstage. JA'FAR enters fighting off a SOLDIER) JA'FAR No! No! No! (He sends him Offstage) SOLDIER 3 My skin is melting! JA'FAR Djinn, Djinn, where are you? (We hear ACHMED'S voice from Offstage): ACHMED Come and fight me, Ja'far! Fight me like a man, you cowardly snake! DJINN (Enters, holding the lamp. Ala Samuel L. Jackson) All right! I'm tired of these these motheruckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' motherfuckin' plane! JA'FAR Djinn, Achmed's forces are too too great. Even with all my power I cannot defeat them. We'll have to take as many civilians as we can, move them to the palace and retreat. DJINN (Peter Cushing) In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances. (MUSIC stops) JA'FAR Would you stop acting like an asshole for one minute? DJINN (Dustin Hoffman) Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. JA'FAR Okay, okay. Just move that palace to to the top top of that that fucking cliff. cliff. Over there! DJINN (Jim Carey) All righty then! (MUSIC resumes. DJINN makes magic noises. He and JA'FAR exit. ALADDIN and PRINCESS enter)
II-5-81 ALADDIN Come on, babe, you're such a tease! You're making my balls as blue as my genie's balls. PRINCESS I'm not a tease. I'm just…not a freak. ALADDIN Oh! Oh right, you're like a strong, powerful woman. So maybe what you need is a strong, powerful man to go all strong and powerful on you. PRINCESS Aladdin, stop. You're pissing pissing me off. You're making sex seem gross and lame. In fact, I'm sure, yeah! I'm never going to to have sex with you! (MUSIC stops. stops. ALADDIN is in shock) ALADDIN Wha? (Pause) You should never say never, babe. Take off your clothes. Take off your clothes. clothes. Why isn't it working?! JA'FAR (Enters) What the hell is going on in here? PRINCESS Nothing! You got that, Aladdin? We are not a thing anymore, okay? ALADDIN We're just having our first first fight. Maybe after some make up sex… PRINCESS No. ALADDIN You know what? I thought you were were mature for your age. But you're just like all the other sixteen-year-old princesses I've dated. Except you're forgetting one thing -- I'm a thief. (Pulls out a dagger) I take what I want! #19a -- Ja'far's Epiphany
(ALADDIN grabs the PRINCESS and holds the dagger to her throat. JA'FAR tries to stop him) ALADDIN Get back! One step and the little girl gets it!
II-5-82 JA'FAR I'm not moving. Just be cool. ALADDIN Who are you telling telling me to be cool, motherfucker? I'm getting out of here! I'm making a clean getaway back to my apartment, and little Princess is coming with me! JA'FAR No! I won't let you take her! You have no idea how much that girl means to me. I love her! (MUSIC stops) ALADDIN Uh you love love her? Dude, she's like half your age. You're a total total pedo! JA'FAR No, not that kind of love, you shit-for-brains! You don't understand. My wife was with child when she was taken by the Sultan. She died in in childbirth. And then the the Princess was coincidentally born around… (MUSIC. It finally dawns on him) …the same time. By Allah, how could I have never seen it before? The Sultan inverted his penis years ago. He couldn't have children! Aladdin, please. Don't hurt her. I love her like a daughter! Surely even you have felt this kind kind of love before. ALADDIN Oh yeah… (ALADDIN lets the PRINCESS go. He steps away into the spotlight, spotlight, which possibly shifts or changes colors depending on the two personalities ALADDIN is about to reveal to us) #19b -- Aladdin's Monologue
ALADDIN …I loved my parents. But that didn't stop me from doing what needed to be done. What? Yeah, dude, remember me? You? You're the guy who killed my parents. Where have you been? In your reflection! I live here. No, I live here. Nooooo. You're just squattin' here! Wait. If I'm you, then that means…I killed my parents? But I didn't want them to die. Who are you kidding? You wished for it every goddamn day of your life. They were gonna kick you out of the house! They were, weren't they. Make you get a job! I don't want one of those.
II-5-83 ALADDIN That's why they had to die! Wow. I guess you're right. I guess I should be thanking you. Yeah, I think a 'thank you' is in order! Well thank you. You're welcome! Now, time to get that lamp back. Wait, what are you going to do with the lamp? Wish for stuff, jackass! Like how you wished to be this prince. Pretty good idea, by the way. But there there are better ideas. ideas. Better wishes. Like what? I don't know…but it's gonna be one hell of a ride. (MUSIC stops. Lights return to normal. JA'FAR and PRINCESS are backed up, terrified) JA'FAR Okay, Jesus Christ, I don't know what's going on here. But you are in no position to to be handling that knife or this lamp! #19c -- Ja'far's Final Wish
ALADDIN Back off! Listen to him, man, he'll kill you! Yeah, now you're getting it! See, I'm the one who deserves that lamp. Because I'm the best wisher. Because I'm the best wisher. That's the trick! You just really have to believe your own bullshit! Who else could've done it and come this far? You? You're an ugly old fart! JA'FAR You're right, you're right. I'm not the kind of person who can use the the lamp. I don't believe in wishes. It takes someone who believes they can change the world to actually do it. ALADDIN Yeah. Someone like me. So why don't you hand that lamp over to someone who knows how to use it? JA'FAR I think I will. will. But if I give you the the lamp, will you give me the the Princess? ALADDIN Sure you can have this prude! (He throws her to him) I can wish for a slutty princess, or a million! I can wish for anything! Ooh I'm getting excited about this guy! JA'FAR Then so be it! (He almost hands the lamp to ALADDIN, then takes it back)
II-5-84 JA'FAR But first, I make my final wish. Djinn, I wish wish to take your place as the wish wish granter. Do you hear that? You're free! I wish to be the all powerful genie! DJINN (Enters, ala Bill Murray) It's Groundhog Day! (Lights Dim, JA'FAR and DJINN DJINN exit. ALADDIN angrily grabs the lamp) ALADDIN What?!? No! The Djinn can't be free! I didn't get my last wish! Oh come on, work, you stupid lamp! This isn't fair! Life is supposed to be fair! (JA'FAR reenters as a red djinn with pointy ears, holding a black lamp) JA'FAR Yes! The absolute power! ALADDIN Oh shit!!! (He runs off) JA'FAR The universe is mine to command! To control! (MUSIC stops. stops. Lights return to normal) And I am at your service, Princess. PRINCESS Ja'far! You're like a devil guy… JA'FAR No, I'm just a djinn. PRINCESS Oh. Why did you wish for that? JA'FAR Don't you see? Aladdin was right about one thing. My wishes were weak. But you. Your youth and your passion, and yes, your naïveté -- these give you power. When I was your age, I thought I could accomplish anything I ever wanted and more! But I didn't. Perhaps no one does. But you have to think you will or you won't have the strength to try. And maybe you won't make any big changes, but a few little ones that pave the way for the next generation. And then they'll make small changes and leave it to the next and the next! It's a bit like a carousel of progress. Always spinning towards towards a great, big, beautiful tomorrow. And tomorrow is just a dream away. PRINCESS But what if tomorrow never comes?
II-5-85 #20 -- The Power In Me
JA'FAR No. Tomorrow always comes. Even if it comes without us. Without me. The lamp and the djinn must return to the Tiger Head Cave, but before I go, I can grant three wishes. PRINCESS I don't think I'm ready. JA'FAR Oh, you must be. This is your kingdom now. PRINCESS WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU TO GUIDE ME? WHEN I AM LOST, WHERE WILL I TURN? SO MANY DOUBTS AND FEARS INSIDE ME I'M JUST A CHILD; I'VE SO MUCH TO LEARN JA'FAR YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE I KNEW LONG AGO YOU HAVE HER EYES, YOU HAVE HER HEART THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU SO AND THAT'S HOW I KNOW SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN YOU LIKE A TINY SEED WAITING TO GROW INTO A FLOWER YOU HAVE THE POWER TO LEAD YOU'VE DONE YOUR BEST TO HEED ME BUT YOU DON'T NEED ME AS A GUIDE FOR IT'S BEEN IN YOU ALL ALONG -THE POWER INSIDE PRINCESS IF I DO HAVE POWER BEYOND WHAT MEETS THE EYE THE SOURCE OF ALL MY HIDDEN VALUE IS THE MORALE YOU SUPPLY IF I'M CAPABLE OF GREATNESS IT'S NOT INNATENESS, DON'T YOU SEE? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUT IT THERE -THE POWER IN ME BOTH DO NOT BE FOOLED BY APPEARANCES FOR THOUGH IT MAY SEEM SMALL THE POWER TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER
II-5-86 (BOTH) IS THE GREATEST POWER OF ALL NO MATTER WHERE LIFE LEADS US WE'LL NEVER BE APART JA'FAR THROUGH THICK AND THIN PRINCESS SUCCESS OR RUIN BOTH I'LL CARRY YOU IN MY HEART AND I WILL TREASURE FOREVER WHAT THE WORLD WILL NEVER SEE JA'FAR YOU ARE KIND, AND THAT'S ENOUGH PRINCESS YOU'RE A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH BOTH AND YOU ARE THE POWER THE POWER IN ME THE POWER IN ME… JA'FAR Now, Princess, what do you wish of me? PRINCESS (She holds the lamp) I wish there was a way to end the war in Pik-Zahr peacefully! And I wish the kingdom had a sultan who would make it the happiest place on earth again! JA'FAR What else? PRINCESS I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO WHEN OUR STORY'S JUST BEGUN JA'FAR I'm sorry, Princess. There are a couple provisos, a few quid pro quos. That's one wish I cannot grant. PRINCESS THEN I WISH YOU EVERY HAPPINESS
II-5-87 JA'FAR IT IS DONE (JA'FAR takes the lamp and exits. The SLAVE GIRLS enter) SLAVE GIRL 1 Princess! Princess! There you are! PRINCESS What is it? SLAVE GIRL 2 It's your father. We went in to give him his daily pleasuring and we found him dead. SLAVE GIRL 1 In his cold, dead hand, we found this declaration. Apparently his last act as sultan was signing it. SLAVE GIRL 2 (Reads it) "From this moment forth, the Princess shall be the majority stockholder and sole ruler of the kingdom." CAPTAIN (Enters) Princess, it's a miracle! PRINCESS What? CAPTAIN Achmed's artillery just blew open a secret vault in the palace containing the lost treasure of Ali Baba. (ACHMED enters with his SOLDIERS) ACHMED Here it is, men -- the throne room! PRINCESS I'm sorry, Achmed, you are not destroying this kingdom anytime soon. ACHMED Wanna bet? PRINCESS No. I want to buy. For my first act as Sultan, I'm going to purchase the entirety of PikZahr in the name of the Magic Kingdom.
II-5-88 ACHMED Are you being ridiculous with me right now, Princess? Buy Pik-Zahr? We are a proud and noble people, very protective of our name and brand. I could never sell Pik-Zahr for any amount of money. PRINCESS Captain, how much was Ali Baba's Baba 's treasure? CAPTAIN It was more more money than I had ever seen. But I was able to count it. it. 7.4 billion drachma. ACHMED Sold! (Shakes hands with PRINCESS) And a pleasure doing business with you, Princess. PRINCESS But there is one condition: you must bring in new administrators administrators from your land. Men with good ideas to help us rebuild. ACHMED Well that can be arranged. We'll set you on the right track. PRINCESS But you must respect our traditions and our heritage. Please return our kingdom to its its commitment to duty and devotion. You must bring bring back the two D's. CAPTAIN (Bowing) All hail our new sultan -- The Princess! (Everyone else drops to their knees, PRINCESS raises them) #20a -- Everyone Is a Princess
PRINCESS Oh rise, rise! rise! From now on, no one need bow to anyone else. Equality will finally come to this kingdom for all. From now on, everyone is a princess! princess! SLAVE GIRL 2 Even me? PRINCESS Even you! MONKEY (Pops his head from around the curtain) Even me?
II-5-89 PRINCESS Oh yes, even you! CAPTAIN So many great things have happened today. This is all Ja'far's Ja'far's fault. PRINCESS Yes, you're right, Captain. CAPTAIN Captain? Don't you mean Princess? Princess? PRINCESS I am so sorry, Princess. CAPTAIN Darn tootin'! (Everyone laughs and exits) ACHMED (Offstage) Wait, what happened to Ja'far? (Scene fades…)
II-6-90 ACT TWO SCENE 6
(Inside the lamp. It is dark and gloomy. JA'FAR is alone) JA'FAR So this is the life of a djinn. Phenomenal cosmic powers. Shitty, shitty shitty living space. So ends the untold story of a royal vizier. SHERREZADE (Entering) Funny. That's not the ending I recall. JA'FAR What? #20b -- The Lovers Reunited
SHERREZADE You're forgetting the best part, when the two lovers are reunited and they live happily ever after. JA'FAR Sherrezade, but how? SHERREZADE I'm pretty sure someone someone wished for your happiness. So I've come back to stay with with you in the lamp. Doesn't this make you happy? JA'FAR Yes of course! But doesn't that mean you're trapped here forever? SHERREZADE I always said a thousand and one nights wasn't enough! (They embrace) JA'FAR Oh, then the Princess -- she really did it! Her other wishes -- ? SHERREZADE Came true as well! By making everyone a princess, she ensured ensured that they were all treated treated with respect and compassion. They all did unto others as they were done unto. JA'FAR She followed the Golden Rule! SHERREZADE And led her people into the third Golden Age.
II-6-91 JA'FAR But, Sherrezade, how do you know these things? SHERREZADE The lamp may exist outside of time and space. It's how the Djinn was able to watch all those funny movies he quoted. We can see anything, anytime, anywhere. JA'FAR Oh then let's see what happened to that thief Aladdin! #20c -- Aladdin's Ending
(ALADDIN enters, in his his middle age, as a merchant wearing wearing a turban. He speaks directly to the Audience) ALADDIN Ah, salaam and good evening, worthy friends! Please come closer! Ooh, a little little too close! JA'FAR Is that Aladdin? He's old and fat! ALADDIN (Holding an item) Yes look at this --- combination hookah and coffee maker! Also makes Julienne fries! fries! Will not break! Will not -(It breaks) It broke. JA'FAR He's hocking second-hand second-hand goods. He's a loser! ALADDIN (Holding the lamp) This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man who was not what he seemed… (Lights Fade on ALADDIN) SHERREZADE He does this till his fifty-fifth fifty-fifth year when he is killed by a thief over a loaf of bread. And that's the end of the true story. JA'FAR And what of our story? How does it end? SHERREZADE It doesn't. (The entire COMPANY enters and sings)
II-6-92 #21 -- A Thousand and One Nights (Reprise)
COMPANY A THOUSAND AND ONE LIFETIMES IS NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND JA'FAR & SHERREZADE AT LAST WE HAVE A STORY WITH NO END! COMPANY LET THIS BE A STORY WITH…NO…END! AH…AH…AH…! (JA'FAR and SHERREZADE kiss. BLACKOUT. CURTAIN) THE END #22 -- Bows/Exit Music
