The Unexpected Joys of Being a Pigeon
Callum Brown
For Mum and Dad
For some of us, books are as important as almost anything else on earth. What a miracle it is that out of these small, flat, rigid squares of paper unfolds world after world after world, worlds that sing to you, comfort and quiet or ecite you. Books help us understand who we are and how we are to beha!e. "hey show us what community and friendship mean# they show us how to li!e and die.
$nne %amott
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"he morning after his mum had her accident, &addy realised he had to look after himself from now on. 'e was actually pretty well prepared for independence ( he )ust didn*t know it yet. 'is training for a life alone began shortly after he was born. &addy*s dad, &atrick +enior, flew the nest as soon as he had taught his son how to fly, which left young &addy and his mum to fend for themsel!es. ou see, &atrick +enior was a top-class racing pigeon, so spent most of his adult life away from home, working with a trainer, flying as fast and as far as he could. $t around the time the little chick &addy was born, &atrick +enior was facing increasing pressure from his team to dedicate more and more hours to practice. 'e was his trainer*s most pried asset# a rising star of the racing circuit, and a heart-throb to boot. When he was offered a shiny new contract, which promised a lifetime supply of grain, seeds and berries, he accepted in an instant. "he deal also included a countryside bird mansion, complete with three butlers, two chefs and a +wedish masseuse. 'e acquired the nickname /fancy pigeon* because of the special perks he recei!ed, such as wing massages and a hot bird bath e!ery night. 'owe!er, instead of sharing the profits with his wife and &addy at the home nest in %ondon, he chose to banquet e!ery night with a harem of lady pigeons in his pri!ate quarters. 0n the glamorous and fiercely competiti!e world of professional bird sport, there is hardly place for family. %ea!ing home allowed &atrick +enior to train harder than e!er, and he rapidly rose to the top of the world rankings. 0n the process, he made use of his lifetime supply of grain, and became stupendously fat. 'e was also rumoured to ha!e acquired a taste for more intoicating substances, namely petrol, and was apparently e!en seen loitering in garage forecourts late at night, slurping up spillages. "he less said about that the better.1 1
"his story is still to be corroborated by official bird news but it*s been the tweet of the town for some time. For the uninitiated, birdy gossip is usually echanged !ia the following news outlets2 The Avian Post , The Truth is Hard to Swallow , and The Daily
0n any case, when &addy*s mum heard what &atrick +enior had been up to away from home, she resorted to emptying all of his belongings into the sewers, and put up a barricade around her nest, so that e!en if he wanted to come back one day, day, he couldn*t. "hat, as they say, was the end of that. 0n truth though, e!eryone 3well, e!eryone ecept &addy and his mum4 worshipped &atrick +enior. 'alf the birds in %ondon wanted to be him, and the other half wanted to share a nest with him. 'e was a global sensation, and the fans lo!ed his playboy lifestyle. 'e was becoming the fastest, fattest, probably drunkest pigeon in 5ngland, and in the bird world at least, that*s pretty damn cool. &atrick +enior had his own unique racing number too, which all of his fans knew by heart2 6789:7. 0t was a fancy title for a fancy pigeon, but it didn*t really mean anything. &addy inherited this number as his surname, making him &atrick ;r. 6789:7, which is the bird name equi!alent of being the son of a lord. 5!eryone was )ealous of &addy when he was growing up, up, but he always said it didn*t make him any different. 5!en though he was the son of the most famous racing pigeon in the country, he didn*t feel didn*t feel particularly particularly special ha!ing a dad that was ne!er home. "hat said, his dad*s fame did work to his ad!antage for a while. 'e used to tell the other birds his age how his dad, &atrick +enior, king of the skies and superstar racer, taught him how to fly. &addy shared his dad*s tips on flying technique s o that all his friends could all go faster, and this made &addy the most sought after pigeon in the nest at one point. $s time passed though, and as he saw less and less of his dad, &addy ran out of interesting stories to tell, so naturally became less popular. 5!entually, his friends started to doubt whether he really was &atrick +enior*s son after all. &addy found himself spending more and more time alone. et &addy didn*t really ha!e much time to feel sorry for himself, because the second ma)or part of his preparation for a solitary life was caring for his Mum, who was also famous. +he was always getting in trouble too, but for different reasons. +ometimes known as Matilda the magnificent, more commonly known as M"M, &addy*s mum was one of the most daring birds e!er to ha!e graced the streets of %ondon. +he took part in the highly dangerous pigeon sport of poop flying, which in!ol!es doing one*s business at top speed, aiming to hit mo!ing ob)ects in the city 3cars, cyclists, double-decker buses, grannies on wheels# you name it, a pigeon has most likely pooped on it4. "he sport requires immense bra!ery, bra!ery, tenacity and crucially c rucially,, a !oracious appetite.
+he won her sil!er &oopy award, which is a real poop wrapped in tin foil 8, for her long career of death-defying stunts. 0n the aerial acrobatics class, points are awarded for spins, flips, near misses and etended upside-down flight. Mid-flight poops guarantee a score multiplier. "he more insane the routine, the better the score.
rowing up with famous parents should ha!e been cool, but it was stressful business for &addy. &addy. 'is ?friends@ )ust wanted to get close to his parents, and actually, so did he. M"M*s final stunt, /"he Death Wish*, would be her most outlandish yet, and her masterpiece2 the culmination of years of dedication and artistry. 0t would be at the /&oopfest >ames*, in front of thousands of adoring fans. "he >ames take place e!ery = years, so this would be her farewell on the big stage. &addy pleaded that this would be his mother*s last attempt at the fabled quadruplesomersault quadruple-poo. +he said that it would. When she outlined the routine to &addy in the buildup to the e!ent, e!en he had to admit it was impressi!e2 The Death Wish – choreographed and performed by MTM
+tep 12 Fly upside down o!er an oncoming bus +tep 82 Find a pia deli!ery rider and swoop down onto their helmet +tep 92 "ake "ake first poo, on helmet +tep =2 Backflip onto pia bo on back of deli!ery rider*s bike +tep A2 +teal a piece of pia 3this mid-mo!e snack is essential to maimise the number of poops during flight4 8
Dog poop is preferred as it is the most readily a!ailable type of poop in %ondon. "hat said, the consistency is often !ariable. +ome of the more pro!incial award-dos use fo poo or rabbit ra bbit droppings as they tend to hold the foil better.
+tep 2 Begin flying forwards at top speed, cur!ing upwards in a huge arc +tep 2 5ecute a /loop-the-poop* 9, landing a big dollop of the brown stuff onto fast car 3preferably a Ferrari, %amborghini or &orsche.4 +tep 2 +it on the bonnet of the car to build up speed for the final mo!e +tep :2 +oar o!er the bus from +tep 1 into a quadruple-somersault quadruple-poo 365$D56 W$6<0<>2 $6<0<> 2 DE ames. M"M*s legendary status would be confirmed or crushed, depending on the outcome. When it finally came to competition day, thousands of birds from across the capital came to witness the spectacle. "hey all came to see M"M attempt /"he Death Wish*. +ome of them actually wanted to see M"M get flattened - her critics said that she was o!er the hill, and due her comeuppance. But the ma)ority were there to see art. &oetry in motion. $nd at first, poetry is what they got. Matilda eecuted steps 1 through 17 with sheer perfection, e!en completing the ne!er seen before quad-somersault quad-poo, which set a new world record for /most acrobatic rotations with simultaneous defecation*. 0t was a glorious display. liding down towards the traffic cone for the final phase of the routine, she approached with one foot outstretched. $s she landed on top of the cone, it wobbled to one side, and M"M lost her footing. +he slipped, lost balance. 0n slow motion, she watched her fantasy of perfection disappear fore!er. While she knew now that the routine could ne!er be considered flawless, she wanted to finish in style, like the true professional she was. +he used her momentum from the slip to begin the ballet pirouette, and started spinning. 0n her original routine, she had only only planned to do one pirouette turn, but because of her mistake, she wanted to compensate. +he whied around, completing one, two, three, four, fi!e turns, and kept going. +he went from diy to downright delusional, and looked like she was going to pass out. $fter 1 spins, she had totally forgotten where she was. M"M was hurtling out of control. 'er feathers became so tucked in, she looked like a grey pencil caught in a tornado. +he began to lose consciousness, and started to drop back down towards the open rim at the top of the traffic cone. +he was going to fall into it 'er fans watched, beaks agape, and rushed to sa!e her. &erhaps they could mo!e the cone, or push her out of the way before she dropped in. By the time they reached her, 9
$ loop-the-loop with a poop midway through the manoeu!re. Bonus points ar e awarded for landing the poop onto epensi!e cars, for the increased risk factor.
it was already too late. Matilda had fallen in at the top of the cone, and was wedged in at the wings. +he was trapped. &addy hurried o!er to the scene, along with a horde of birds that wanted to help. "hey had to get her off the road, before anything worse happened. "hey couldn*t pull her out, so had to mo!e the whole cone with M"M stuck inside. With a monumental effort, the crowd helped to lift the traffic cone off the ground and flew it back to the nest, all while Matilda was stuck at the top, her fraled head poking abo!e the rim. Ence they*d returned to the nest, Matilda began to reco!er her senses, but couldn*t mo!e. "he fans tried e!erything to get her out. "hey pulled and pecked at the plastic cone for hours, desperately trying to set their hero free. When that didn*t work, !isiting birds began showering M"M with flowers and gifts, hoping that these would magically release her from her conical prison. 0t continued long into the night. "he traffic cone became a sort of biarre fluorescent shrine, and M"M was held aloft like a goddess. 0t was no use, though, and the remaining fans returned home in the early hours. "he net morning, when it was )ust &addy and his mum left, he asked2 /What are we going to doG* /0*ll ha!e to go on a diet*, Matilda replied. /0 ate too much pia in training. 0t*s made me fat. 0f 0 can shed some weight, 0*ll slip right down through this cone and break free*. /'ow long will it take, MumG* /0 don*t know. Maybe a month, maybe more. %ook, don*t you worry about me &addy. ou*!e worried about me for far too long, and your father and 0 ha!e been a terrible burden on you. 0 think now it is time that you start your own )ourney )ourney.. Whate!er that may be, where!er you may go, 0 think it is time that you became your own bird. By the time you come back, 0 will ha!e lost enough weight that 0*ll be free again, and 0 promise that promise that there will be no more stunts. ;ust make sure you don*t forget to come home, like your sorry ecuse for a father.
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oung &addy set out on the streets of %ondon. 'e still couldn*t quite belie!e what had happened to his mum, and how quickly he found himself alone. But he didn*t dwell on it, because pigeons ha!e a tendency to lose track of where they are and what they*re doing. 'e came to thinking about his net mo!e. 'e instantly knew where to head2 "rafalgar +quare. 'e*d been told all his life that it was pigeon paradise2 thousands upon thousands of birds to make friends with, many high ledges to perch on, and most importantly, lots of littering people lea!ing snacks behind. &addy*s mum had ne!er let him go before. +he always said it was too dangerous, in spite of the fact that she was the world-famous darede!il M"M. 0t ne!er seemed fair that she got to flip and spin her way in and out of trouble, while &addy stayed rooted to the spot. etting out of his nesting area was the first task, and no mean feat at that. &addy li!ed in a barmy place called Camden "own, which had already taken him a lifetime to learn to na!igate. Camden is a complete world within a city, a twisting labyrinth of backstreets, canals, bridges and tunnels# !ibrant and bohemian, filled with all manner of of brilliant people, mad as hatters, adorned with bells, whistles, chains, and famously, giant leather boots. Camden is nearly always nearly always busy, busy, and always always always always bonkers. &addy knew his way around, but there was no telling what would be in store for him on any gi!en day. &addy decided that he would need some fuel if he was going to wea!e his way through the chaos and reach the other side of town with all his toes intact. 0n fact, the street food at Camden Market would make a perfect breakfast. "he pre!ious night*s lefto!ers always ser!ed up a special pick /n* mi for a pigeon, which is otherwise known as / fusion food * in the bird world. $t Camden Market in particular, there was =
0n case you didn*t know, know, birds migrate seasonally s easonally.. "hey often tra!el south during winter where more food will be a!ailable. Birds can do this without e!en thinking. 0t*s second nature, like putting on your underpants.
often an unepected surprise thrown in the mi, coughed up from the canal, or worse, the sewers. &addy*s &addy*s fa!ourite was $sian cuisine ( he especially lo!ed Chinese, %ebanese, Burmese, ;apanese, "aiwanese, Hietnamese Hietnamese - all the -eses together t ogether.. 'e liked the way they rhymed. +ometimes his fla!our combinations tasted great2 Chicken masala with squashed banana &ad "hai with crusty pie and e!en2 Canal maggots with muddy carrots A But sometimes the combinations didn*t work2 Bubble tea with toilet wee +tir-fried noodles with hair of poodle $!ocado maki with baby*s baby*s nappy and e!en2 Chunks of old boot with ginger root &addy*s breakfast was more standard fare this time around2 a half-5nglish. Iind of like a full 5nglish, but with half the ingredients. &igeons rarely get a full anything, so ha!e to take what they can get. Fortunately for &addy, on this day he had quite a haul. 'e scoured the Camden cobblestones and managed to find bits of discarded sausage, a few baked beans, trampled eggs 3ne!er fried4, and some sort of potato thing, instead of a hash brown. 'e noticed that nobody e!er drops their actual hash browns, probably because they taste so incredible, like hot, crispy clouds of potatoey goodness. &addy always dreamed of one day ha!ing the complete 5nglish breakfast, with tea and toast and all the trimmings 3including black pudding, e!en though it*s mostly blood and guts and disgusting wibbly bits4. +till, he was quite pleased with his share today, and was grateful )ust to ha!e something resembling breakfast. +o he ate, scrap upon scrap until he was full, and ate some more )ust to be sure. $ half-5nglish always set him up well on difficult days, and didn*t gi!e him such a wobbly stomach, like when he had / fusion food *. *. 'e couldn*t risk an eplosi!e gut in such a bustling place as Camden, because something nasty might drop on a person*s head or worse, in their food. 'e certainly didn*t want to anger the local folk in the giant leather boots, who might ha!e stamped on him if he pooped in the wrong place. +o, weighed down by his hearty meal, &addy began to sluggishly duck and bob his way through the market, steering clear of the punks, hippies and other mysterious residents of Camden.
A
&erhaps not the most appetising menu for the human palate. ou*ll ou*ll ha!e to trust me that for birds, these are glorious combinations.
$s he blended into the throng, he eased into his surroundings, soaking up the li!ely morning atmosphere. $ delicious waft of freshly baked pastries crept up his nostrils. +treet sellers called to one another in friendly !oices. Jpbeat music erupted from the street speakers. 0f birds could smile, &addy would ha!e done. et not e!eryone at the market seemed as content as he felt inside. &addy soon came across a tired-looking man with an unkempt beard and dark, lonely eyes. 'e looked terribly sad, sadder than the other Camden folk, that was for sure. 0n contrast to the surrounding miniature world of colour, this man was dull and drained. "he man was sat with no shoes on, on a tattered piece of cardboard, holding a sign which said2 /$ny kind gesture would be greatly appreciated. "hank you, ;im * &addy didn*t really understand what this meant, so began lumbering past, minding his own business. 'e*d always been taught to a!oid people who stood out, or looked unhappy and alone. 0t was safer, apparently. apparently. 0n spite of that, &addy*s instincts told him to help the man. 'e )ust wasn*t sure how. how. 'e had almost passed him, when he noticed a cup on the ground. 0t was in front of one of the man*s grubby feet, and contained a few coins. $n idea was coming to &addy. /'e must be a coin collector* coin collector* &addy whispered ecitedly to himself, as he realised that not 8 minutes ago he*d seen a pound on the floor. 'e felt compelled to retrie!e it to gi!e the man something for his collection. &addy retraced his steps.
0t should be noted that pigeons are a!id collectors. $ll birds lo!e collecting twigs and lea!es, of course, but pigeons ha!e a special liking for rare titbits. +o much so in fact, that each year a pigeon collectors* con!ention is held in 6ichmond park, where pigeons from all o!er the world bring their peculiar findings for comparison. %ast year*s claimant of the o!erall prie, %inti 'ar!esta of +pain, won for an outstanding collection of human belly button fluff. Jnfortunately, her title was re!oked after it was disco!ered that the /fluff* was actually the mass of downy feathers shed by her 1= chicks, se!eral years before.
seemed to be pursuing him. 5!ery time he dodged out of the way, there was a new threat. 'e couldn*t e!en pause for a breath# it would only put him in more danger. 'e simply had to keep mo!ing. +o he went on, putting toe in front of toe, all the while escaping kicks, swipes, stomps, and flying ob)ects. Jntil suddenly, a little bit of peace. &addy had, until then, been feeling as though he was caught in a whirlwind. +omehow, +omehow, he*d been spewed out the other side, on the south side of Camden and entering +t. &ancras. 'e was out of breath, and a tad diy, but otherwise ali!e. "rafalgar "rafalgar couldn*t be far now, now, he thought. 'e decided he was ne!er going to gi!e up on his destination, e!en if he got distracted here and there. >etting distracted was part of being a pigeon, after all.
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$s the rising sun warmed &addy*s tiny heart, another distraction came, in the form of an old looking church in +t. &ancras, con!eniently named2 +t. &ancras Eld Church. 0t looked stark and beautiful against the pale winter sky. >oing there would take him a little off course, but &addy felt ineorably drawn to it, so went there anyway. Following his instincts had worked for him in Camden. +urely they would set him right again. &addy lo!ed old buildings too. "hey pro!ided nooks and crannies for shelter, secret towers for storing food, and frankly, frankly, nobody seemed to care if he took humungous poos all o!er the roo!es. &addy especially lo!ed churches, for their gra!eyards. 'e en)oyed reading the headstones, to find out about what people of the past were like. "he gra!es ga!e &addy a glimpse into the human world, enough for him to imagine entire lifetimes from hundreds of years ago. 0t was one of his fa!ourite ways to pass the time. 'e waddled o!er to the biggest tomb he could find at +t. &ancras, and read the inscription2 Sir John Soane Architect to the Bank of Enland Enland !ho departed this life on "# th January $%&' Aed %( years /$n architect ( fascinatingK* &addy muttered to himself. /From the 177s too 0 bet he designed loads of awesome buildings that are still standing today. 0t e!en says he worked on the Bank of 5ngland. The Bank of )loomin* Enland Enland "he BankKofK Enland Khang Khang on - why is that familiarG* 0nstead of picturing the wonderful life of this architect, as &addy would ha!e done normally, he began to feel his skin crawl with aniety as he realised something terrible. 0t dawned on &addy that during his early years, he*d dropped thousands upon thousands of sa!age poo-bombs on the Bank of 5ngland, while on training ecursions with his mum. "his poor man, +ir ;ohn +oane, had dedicated his life to designing buildings, and all &addy had done done was relie!e himself on them
0f you*re questioning whether birds can read, think again. &addy learned !ery easily, by staring at the daily newspapers o!er the shoulders of commuters. 'is fa!ourite section was the obituaries, because he could find out about someone*s whole life in )ust a few paragraphs.
+ir ;ohn +oane was a knight too, which probably meant he could come back from the dead, carrying weapons and armour, riding a ma)estic phantom steed, ready to punish any one or thing that wronged him since his death. &addy, &addy, on the other hand, was a defenceless little bird ( what hope did he ha!e against a !engeful ghost-knightG 'e immediately broke out into a cold sweat, worried that the architect*s ghostly hands would rise out of his gra!e and wring &addy*s &addy*s neck for his pooey crimes. &addy gulped, twice, and cast sideways glances, to pretend he was looking anywhere but ;ohn +oane*s gra!e. But where!er he looked, he seemed to catch the eye of a crow. "hese birds are the spooky residents of cemeteries up and down the country, and this cemetery was no different. "he crows were at least three times &addy*s sie, and their ragged, )et black feathers made him shudder with fear. "hey cawed and squawked in grisly tones, as if to warn &addy2 /Don*t mess with +ir ;ohn +oane. 'e*s resting in peace, and if you wake him up from his eternal sleep, he will hunt you you down*. "he lead crow was larger than the rest2 a ra!en. +he was a magnificent, lustrous, stately-looking bird, who looked less than impressed at &addy*s presence in her gra!eyard. +he began striding towards &addy, &addy, swiftly followed by her sinister looking cronies. &addy turned his head o!er his wing, hoping that the crows were instead heading towards something behind him.
or, for a collection of your scrawny bunch2 a ?loftKof pigeons@*.* We crows spend a great deal of time dealing with murder, so murder is our name. ou ou see, we are ar e undertakers, or supreme guardians of the dead, if you prefer*. />uardiansK of the deadG* &addy became ice-cold with fear. 'e was certain at this point that he wasn*t far away from being murdered murdered himself. /"hat*s right, young squire. Ence birds ha!e popped their clogs, we collect the bodies and bones, the feathers and feet, the beaks and the wings and all the wibbly bits inbetween*. "he ra!en*s epression contorted into a twisted smile. "hen she ran her tongue around the rim of her beak, as if she were about to feast on all the decaying birdy parts she had )ust described. /We /We crows hold the keys to the afterlife, and we*ll ha!e to decide whether we let you through one day. Enly if we like you, of course.* "he crows* ominous laughter rumbled through the gra!eyard. &addy felt r ather unsettled, and was starting to feel his belly turn o!er. 'e definitely wasn*t planning on !isiting the afterlife any time soon. "he ra!en seemed to ha!e little else to say, but her companions wanted a piece of the action. "hese birds looked almost a different species compared to their regal and aloof leader. "hey were hardy birds# battered and bruised, with mischie!ous glints in their eyes. "hey shuffled from side to side, as if ready for a fight. Ene of them piped up, in a rasping cockney accent2 /$ll the birds round /ere come to us once they*!e died, and we do all the the dirty work getting /em /ere. ou ou wouldn*t wanna know /alf the things 0*!e seen, little pidge. Worse than your nightmares, belie!e me*. "he crows* laughter grew to a bellowing cackle. &addy was trembling, and slyly trying to shuffle his way out of this situation. "he crows were toying with him. &addy motioned to lea!e, but was stopped in his tracks by the ra!en. /'old it right there*, she s he ordered &addy. /our /our face is familiar. What*s your nameG* /5rm - &atrick ;r. 6789:7* /&atrick ;r. 6789:7G +on of &atrick +r. 6789:7G >randson of &atrick the poetG $nd >reat >randson of &at the potG* "he ?guardians of the dead@ were shrieking with ecitement at this possible re!elation. &addy couldn*t back out now. /es /es - that*s me, 0 think,* &addy said hesitantly. /But 0 ha!en*t seen my Dad in years, years , and 0 ne!er met my >randdad. $s for &at the pot ( 0*!e got no idea what you*re talking about. %ook, 0 should be erKmo!ing on*. "here was another pause. $ hollow stillness. "he laughter stopped. &addy s ensed trouble. 'ad he offended the crowsG "hey started to look threatening again, as if they might be taking him to the afterlife, straight away. "hen, all the crows simultaneously
bowed towards &addy, &addy, as though they might attack. "he ra!en also bowed. &addy shut shut his eyes, in anticipation of his own death, until the ra!en said2 /0t is a tremendous pri!ilege to welcome you to our gra!eyard, &atrick, son of &atrick, grandson of &atrick, great grandson of &atrick. 0 am the Morrigan, queen of crows, and gatekeeper to the a!ian afterworld. "he folks behind me are my comrades.* /Eh..0t*s aK pri!ilege to meet you all too*, &addy replied hesitantly hesi tantly,, still wincing with one eye closed, anticipating pain. /But 0*m not ready to die )ust yet*. "he crows resumed their raucous cackling. "his was all side-splittingly funny for them. Ene crow was e!en slapping her knee with her wing . &addy, meanwhile, didn*t know whether to laugh or cry. cry. 'e was utterly dumfounded. /$llow me to eplain*, the Morrigan said, softening s oftening her tone. /We*re not taking you to the world of the dead )ust yet. 0t*s true that e!eryone must go there e!entually, and it is my is my )ob to send birds on their merry way to the afterlife, but you*re still a young pidge, about to make your mark on on the world. We*!e We*!e been pulling your leg the whole time. 0 must confess, we get quite a kick out of tormenting our guests, but 0*m afraid the )oke*s been lost on you. 0t*s nothing personal. &lease ac cept my humble apologies - we crows don*t get out much. 0*d hate to start on bad terms with the fourth &atrick in the line of &atricks*. "he crows bowed for a second time, this time more elaborately, to make the point clear. /Well, apology accepted*, &addy said, scratching his head, /but 0 don*t think your /Well, )okes are !ery funny*. 'e bowed in response, still with some trepidation. trepidation. /'ow do you know about my familyG $nd who was &at the potG* "he cockney crow inter)ected again2 /We /We know all about about yer family /istory, /istory, &atrick ;r. We know the /istories of e!ery bird from fr om /ere to /ighgate. $s undertakers, we get to see all the birds from this area, e!entually. 0*ll admit, they*re not in the best shape when we meet /em* / em* "he other crows squawked in agreement. /Don*t worry yourself though young &atrick, you come from fine stock indeed2 artists, athletes, and alcoholics alike* /$lcoholicsG Was Was that my great-granddad thenG* "he crows were now hysterical. 0n their eyes, if a topic was morbid, macabre or depressing, it was funny. funny. 0t was the blackest of black comedy. comedy. "he Morrigan showed some sympathy for f or &addy, &addy, and calmed her followers down, before adding2 /Eh yes, young squire. squire. &at the pot was a flat-out drunk. 'e used to perch in pub gardens, waiting for people to lea!e their pints, so he could swoop in and
Birds do in fact ha!e knees, in case you were wondering. Contrary to popular belief, they bend the same way as human knees, but they are concealed by feathers, high up on the leg, so nobody gets to see them. "he funny bit that bends backwards on a bird leg - the bit that look like a backwards knee - "hat*s more like a human ankle, if anything. "rust me, 0*m an ornithologist. Well, Well, not really, really, but it sounds good.
gule down the beer while nobody was looking. 'e was a real sneak "he loopiest in the land. 0n fact, if birds had an Elympic drinking team, he would be the coach.* $ll the undertakers guffawed and beat their wings with laughter. /Eh, right, well thanks for telling me, 0 guess*. &addy said, confusedly. /Why is it you all laugh so much if you*re around the dead all the timeG* /0f you don*t laugh, young &atrick, you*ll cry cr y,* the Morrigan said. /0 suppose you*re right*, &addy agreed meekly. 'e didn*t look con!inced. /What a sober young fellow*, another of the crows said, turning to his friends, tilting his head in &addy*s direction. /0 know what he needs he needs ( a good drink* &addy had to smile, because he couldn*t think of anything else to do, around these )okers. "he cockney chimed in once more2 /Don*t drink too much though, or you might be meeting us in the afterlife sooner than you*d like* "he Morrigan settled the crows again, and returned her attention to &atrick*s original request2 /%ook &atrick, you could do with some s ome work on your sense of humour, humour, but since your >reat->randfather pro!ided us with plenty of laughs, we*ll help you out. Firstly, a gift from me. 0, as the birdy goddess of the afterlife, ha!e certain special powers that 0 can grant to deser!ing birds. "hese "hese powers either ha!e the capability to help someone conquer their greatest battles, or may do the opposite, and condemn them to a fate of doom. 0 confer my powers based on whether a bird has li!ed a life of lo!e and compassion, or of greed and cruelty. &addy was once again terrified, silently pleading he*d be granted the all-conquering powers instead of the fate of doom. 'e liked to think that that he was, for the most part at least, lo!ing and compassionate*. "he Morrigan continued2 /0 noticed, for instance that you recently helped a lonely barefooted man in Camden*. /ou /ou saw thatG* &addy responded incredulously. 'e shuddered. "he Morrigan had been watching him. /0ndeed ( 0 ha!e eyes, ears and beaks e!erywhere, and for this display of compassion and generosity, 0 will bestow to you the powers of almighty courage, for 0 suspect that you will need it on your )ourney ahead. 0t will aid you in times of great need.* What a relief. "he Morrigan had found fa!our in the young bird. &addy mopped his brow, brow, thankful that he wouldn*t wouldn*t be headed for doom, any time soon. /'ow will 0 get the powers of courage to work, or when to use themG* he asked.
/ou /ou must listen to your heart and soul, when your head tells you that something is impossible*. "his made no sense whatsoe!er to &addy. 0t seemed that the Morrigan was speaking in a secret code language, which only goddesses and gods could understand. 'e was trying to work out how eactly one listens to their heart, but was too intimidated to ask any more questions. /"ake /"ake heed though, young &atrick*. "he Morrigan war ned. /0f you forsake your heart and soul , in echange for despair, suspicion and anger, 0 will be taking your heart and soul for myself. Birds that fail to use these faculties, clearly don*t ha!e a need for them, so 0 like to borrow them from time to time and put them to better use, in the afterworld. $s 0*m sure you*ll understand, the world of the dead could always do with a little etra heart and soul. Make sure you use yours, or 0 may be paying you an unwanted !isit*. $s for your directions to "rafalgar, "rafalgar, unfortunately my awareness of %ondon etends only as far as the spirit world, so 0 will defer to the rest of the murder, who know the streets round here far better than 0. 0 hope you*ll get to "rafalgar in one piece. radually, the noise of bickering crows rose up abo!e the questioning noises in his head. /0 know %ondon like the back of my talon*, an old crow, crow, with greying, faded feathers, fe athers, called out. /
brimmed hat, too. $ll these years 0*!e been going down there, and he hasn*t hasn*t mo!ed an inch, and he*s never changed changed his clothes*. /"hat*s cause he*s a statue, you old git* "he young crows were now shaking their heads with despair. /0gnore the old timer, &addy, the tube*s tube*s where it*s at these days. ou*ll be in "rafalgar in 17 minutes flat. "he old git may ha!e been doing that )ourney for 97 years, but flyingG So slow, slow, and boring as hell. We all do that e!ery day. "he tube is way more way more eciting. 'ere*s 'ere *s what you need to do2 head down &ancras 6oad, which merges into Midland 6oad, go past the big red 6enaissance 'otel, turn left into Iing*s Iing*s Cross station, sta tion, down the stairs, o!er the barrier, down the escalator, through the tunnel. >et on the train, two stops on the Hictoria Hictoria line down to Eford Circus, southbound towards Briton. Change platforms. >et on a Bakerloo line train for another two stops, southbound, this time towards 5lephant L Castle, and get off at Charing Cross. Jp the stairs, through the tunnel, up the escalator, o!er the barriers, into the daylight, and !oil ( "rafalgar +quare*. /"he other directions seem much less confusing to me*, &addy said. /$h, it*s a piece of cake, don*t worry. worry. ;ust remember, Iings Cross to Charing Cross, and !oila* /Well, /W ell, when you say it like that it sounds easy*. /0t is "rust us. "he only way to eplore is to do what hasn*t been done before. Besides, you*ll get there in half the time. $sk yourself this question2 do you want to be a daring young birdG Er a miserable old git, knocking knocking at death*s death*s doorG* &addy acquiesced. Flying seemed like the easy option, but he didn*t want to be a miserable old git, not least when the gatekeeper of the afterlife had )ust paid him a !isit. "he tube was starting to make sense, he decided. /Iing*s Cross to Charing Cross, and !oila* the young upstart repeated. />ood luck, &atrick son of &atricks*. &addy thanked the young crows, and made lea!e for the underground. underground. The undertakers split off, with parting shrieks of laughter. All except the old crow, who was fuming.
4
King’s Cross station was only a short distance from the church, so Paddy got swiftly back on track, in his pursuit of pigeon paradise. He had left the graveyard a little bit spooked. Paddy wasn’t sure if the crows from the church had been malicious, or strangely charming? He couldn’t tell. They sure joked a lot. But was it at Paddy’s expense? And the way the Morrigan disappeared disappeared – it must have been some sort of dark magic. It was terrifying, but thrill ing at the same time. He couldn’t wait to tell his Mum what he’d seen. Not, of course, before visiting the famous Trafalgar Square. All he had to remember was King’s Cross to Charing Cross, and Voila! Paddy knew it’d be safer to fly there, as per the old crow’s instructions. But Paddy’s Mum was so daring in her job, why couldn’t he be too? He simply had to take the tube, to prove something to himself more than anything. Paddy headed back out through the church gates, and trotted on down Midland Road towards the station, carefully sticking to the pavement. Flying up onto a street lamp for a better vantage point, he was able to see the grand red brick exterior of the Renaissance hotel, as described by the crows. Thankfully, he was going in the right direction. And once he got closer, he saw signs for the train station. This really was proving to be as straightforward as the young crows suggested. Paddy felt a surge of confidence as he saw several underground signs in the famous red and blue signage. He no longer felt like the lowly bird he looked. So, at that point, he pretended he was a majestic golden eagle, soaring over the tip of the London skyline. In one swoop, he glided the final 50 metres to one of the station entrances. Then, he tottered inside. Upon entering, Paddy was awestruck by the cavernous glass rooves and towering 9
windows. It was staggering. The huge clock high up on the rear wall read 10 thirty. It was a giant reminder that he had plenty of time to get to Trafalgar and home before the end of the day. He was brimming with optimism. :
Remember that a pigeon, 50 times shorter than your average human, sees things 50
times larger.
Until he got lost.
During Paddy’s brief eagle-soar, he’d noticed a number of entrances. But which entrance corresponded to which station? There were at least 3 King’s Cross Stations close by. He had just tried the closest one. He assumed any any entrance would be good. The fear began to set back in. Waddling about, searching for the Victoria line entrance, Paddy was sucked into the enormity of King’s Cross station. The interior of the building seemed to be endlessly expanding above him, and the glass shapes of the walls and ceilings appeared to swivel and interlock, like a kaleidoscope. kaleidoscope. He was stuck inside a moving puzzle, a Rubik’s cube of epic proportions. Paddy’s mind wandered. He resorted to pecking up flaky bits of croissant, before being drawn to a bizarre luggage trolley half-stuck into the wall. Luggage trolleys were designed to be moved around, he thought. This one was wedged into the brickwork! He’d never seen anything like it. And it had a platform number above. 9 ¾. How strange. All the other platform numbers were whole numbers. Maybe this train only took you ¾ of the way there. He suspected it wouldn’t be the right train to anywhere, but he temporarily felt safe here, like it would be a good place to get his bearings. On top of the trolley, there was a white owl in a cage, so Paddy thought that birds would be welcome. Not long after he had perched though, a little boy came over and shooed him away, shouting: ‘go away pidgy, I just want a photo with Hedwig, not you’. Paddy didn’t really understand human-speak, but he was used to being made subordinate to birds of prey. Owls were higher up the food chain, after all. Paddy narrowly avoided the child’s swiping hand, and scurried off into the station concourse. He kept his head down and kept moving, hoping that the Victoria line would magically reveal itself to him. Maybe the Morrigan’s powers of courage would show him the way. He couldn’t see a sign for Charing Cross. Nor for the Victoria line, or the Bakerloo. Nothing even for the tube now. Instead, just names for destinations he’d never heard of: Gare du Nord, Lyon, Brussels.
Out of nowhere, he arrived at the foot of a huge blue billboard. It read: ‘A short hop from King’s Cross, and voila!’ Paddy couldn’t believe his luck. He said to himself: ‘It’s just like the crows said: King’s Cross to Charing Cross, and voila! This must be the direct train to Charing Cross!’ He walked beneath the sign and found himself at the back of a long human queue. He was convinced this was the queue for paradise. Unfortunately, waiting in line would mean that people and bags would tower above him. It was agitating for Paddy, to say the least. The advantage of being a pigeon is that one doesn’t have to wait in line. Paddy soared over the crowds of people, and instantly felt calmer. He came to perch on one of the station’s steel roof beams, high up above the queue, for a bird’s eye view. He looked down. A meandering stream of people were being funnelled into the train. Paddy decided he would wait, until the very last person boarded. He couldn’t be seen by the guards, of course. Trafalgar was a popular destination, but Paddy couldn’t help but ask himself: was it possible that this many people were going there? And what were they doing with all their bags? A few minutes passed, and now Paddy was starting to question the young crows who told him to take the train. They said he’d be there in 10 minutes flat. It’d It’ d been 10 minutes already! Paddy held his nerve a little longer, as the people below continued boarding. As the final person set foot on the t he train, Paddy shut out the doubts in his head, and swept down to the platform. Being in a hurry, his landing was clumsy. Somewhat less graceful than his eagleesque approach of before. But that didn’t matter now. Paddy stared up at the giant open train doorway ahead of him. Everybody was seated, and the guards had their backs turned. This was his moment. Paddy puffed his chest up, and said to himself, ‘become your own bird!’. Without thinking, he hopped up onto the ledge, and shuffled his way in. He couldn’t believe his own bravery. Were the Morrigan’s powers of courage guiding him? Quite possibly.
Paddy was standing, alone, between two cabins, which were filled with people. Luckily, there were doors between him and the cabins, which had closed, so shut him off from view of the passengers. There was some luggage stacked in the corner. Paddy took cover behind it, and positioned himself neatly between a bag and the wall behind him, so nobody would have any idea he was there. Paddy exhaled with a sigh, and closed his eyes. He was in. He was perfectly concealed. All he had to do was keep his eyes closed, for probably less than 10 minutes, and he’d be in Trafalgar. The doors closed and locked with an irrevocable clench. Some undecipherable human-speak came out from the speaker system. Excitement bubbled up from the pit of Paddy’s stomach, and exploded through his entire body. Paradise was close. As long as he stayed calm, he’d be fine. He was out of sight, out of mind. Unfortunately, pigeons being restless creatures, he couldn’t stay still for long. Paddy remained mostly hidden, but popped his head up above the suitcase that was giving him cover. In typical bird fashion, he jerked his head left and right, eagerly looking for something shiny or attention grabbing. The only thing that looked remotely interesting was a poster, stuck to one of the inside walls of the train. It looked remarkably similar to the billboard he’d seen in the station. However, it contained some extra information. It read: Welcome aboard this Eurostar train. A short hop from King’s Cross, and voila! You’re in Paris - Gare du Nord. Journey time is approximately 2 hours and 16 minutes. Refreshments will be available to purchase from the onboard trolley. We hope you enjoy your journey to the city of love.
Paddy’s eyes popped. ‘Eurostar? 2 hours and 16 minutes?! Paris!’ He said to himself breathlessly.
Paddy instinctively stumbled out of his hiding place and toppled onto the floor. In a blistering panic, he threw himself, with all his might, into the train’s full-length glass doors that had just closed behind him, hoping he would fly straight through them and back into the open air. With a dull thud, he bounced right off the glass, and grimaced, as he landed on his backside. He was sat with his legs splaying outwards, the way a toddler does after she’s attempted to stand, and fallen backwards. Paddy looked up at the window, oceans of tears cascading from his eyes. Slowly at first, the train heaved itself forwards, pulling away from King’s Cross, from London, from home.
5
WhatKa disaster. +till drying his eyes, &addy went through a continuous cycle of horror, fear, and panic. 'e was stock-still, beak wide open, staring out of the full-length window ahead of him. "he train picked up speed, s peed, and %ondon*s %ondon*s landscape melted into a furious concrete blur. blur. Ence &addy regained his senses, he retreated despondently to his pre!ious hideout, behind the luggage in the corner. corner. 'e was in between two sealed-off cabins, so he was
safely out of sight of the passengers, for now. 'e kept as still as he could, but couldn*t resist the odd )erky head mo!ement or shake of his feathers. %uckily, nobody was around when he did so. &addy was questioning what had happened. Where had his wires been crossedG Why was he going to &aris and not "rafalgarG 'e thought it had been going so well, and that all he had to remember was Iing*s Cross to Charing Cross, and !oila "o find out where he*d gone wrong, he popped his head up from behind the suitcase, for another read of the train*s poster2 $ short short hop from Iing*s Cross, and !oila 0t immediately clicked. "here was no mention of Charing Cross there, whatsoe!er. whatsoe!er. 0n his blind rushing, &addy had ignored a crucial part of his )ourney. "he destination 'e cursed his stupidity and nai!ety in trusting the young crows with their directions. 'e should ha!e flown directly to
$s the food mo!ed into his field of !iew, &addy*s &addy*s eyes widened. 0t looked, to him at least, as if an alien spaceship had )ust entered his domain, carrying all of his fa!ourite snacks2 salt L !inegar crisps, milk chocolate, and biscotti. &addy was sali!ating. "hen, out of nowhere, a piercing cry rang out from the cabin where the trolley had )ust been. &addy noticed that the staff looked panicked. 'e couldn*t understand what they were panicked about, but he could read their epressions. 'ad someone someone seen the pigeon hiding in the bagsG Maybe the staff were discussing what to do. &addy instantly ducked for co!er, to ensure he was out of !iew. et et before long, the temptation to look at the snacks became too much for the young pigeon to bear. When he couldn*t wait any longer, he cautiously peered o!er the top of the bags for another look at the snack trolley. trolley. $stonishingly, $stonishingly, the staff had disappeared. &addy became con!inced they*d gone to get help, and would return to come and capture &addy, to eradicate the pigeon problem that was on board. &addy*s &addy*s gut feeling said s aid he needed to mo!e, to find a new hiding place. Con!eniently, the bottom shelf of the snack trolley was open and there was a perfectly pigeon-sied spot for &addy to )ump into. into. "here were some crisppackets too, to shield him. What*s more, &addy could see a few tantalising crumbs scattered net to one of the wheels. 'e e!entually succumbed to the magnetising force of the scraps on the floor, and clambered out from behind the luggage, to peck away. 0f anybody came through the doors now, he*d be in full sight of not only the staff, but the passengers in the ad)acent cabin. Despite this, he peckedKand peckedKand pecked. /Mmm, so salty, and !inegary*, he said in his head. "he tang was delightful. $fter a period of intense gorging, &addy snapped back to re ality. ality. 'e was fully eposed. "he staff would be coming back soon, s oon, and if they hadn*t seen him already, they*d almost certainly see him in the luggage area, which was now co!ered with loose pigeon feathers. "he last thing he wanted, was to cause a scene. 'oo!ering up the remaining scraps, &addy hopped up onto the bottom shelf of the trolley, and nestled between some bags of crisps, for some protection from the outside world. 0n spite of that though, if anyone looked hard enough at the lower half of the trolley, trolley, &addy would be seen, but it was unlikely, unlikely, since people on trains are usually more concerned with looking out of the window, window, or stuffing food in their mouths, than what might be lurking in the bottom of the snack trolley. &addy fancied his chances.
$fter a brief crisp foil rustling when he had bundled his way in, all went quiet. "he only remaining sound was the persistent rumbling of the train o!er the tracks. &addy had first satisfied his hunger, and now he felt safe and secure. $ll a bird needs, really. 0t was dark in the bottom shelf of the trolley, which was good. 5asier to see out, than in. $nd the first thing &addy saw, were two pairs of shiny black shoes re positioning themsel!es at either ends of the trolley. trolley. "he staff were back, unaware of the bird that was hidden beneath the snacks. +oon, they*d be mo!ing on. From &addy*s &addy*s tucked away position, beneath a bag of McCoys "hai +weet Chicken, he could hear muffled, indistinguishable !oices abo!e him. Was Was he being talked aboutG 'e certainly hoped not. "hen, the ground shifted. 'e felt himself mo!ing on the trolley. trolley. "he staff were pushing on to the net cabin. &addy &addy was effecti!ely on a train within a within a train. 'is pulse )umped up a notch, or ten, as they entered the net cabin. +urprisingly, +urprisingly, the background noise shifted, somewhat agreeably to &addy. 0t was more subdued, more refined in this part of the train. &addy had no idea why, but the carpet had switched from a browny orange to a luurious royal blue. 'e ad)usted his !iew from within the trolley, between a bag of peanuts and a pack of crackers, to offer a better look. "he royal blue carpet was soft, deep pile, with an elegant elegant design. 0t looked sophisticated. %ittle did &addy know, he had )ust entered first-class. From &addy*s &addy*s low position, he noticed other things too. Feet shuffling under seats, or tapping rhythmically. 'e e!en caught the eye of a small child who was crawling around on the floor and under the seats. &addy epected a wail, a cry of terror from the youngster, at the sight of a bird on a train. et et to this child, this situation was no more abnormal than what was already happening# being on a train that was going under the ocean to another country was cray enough, probably. probably. What difference did &addy*s presence make to herG +he must ha!e assumed it was all part of the eperience. 5ntertainment for the )ourney. )ourney. +he smiled and wa!ed a little paw at &addy. &addy smiled in return. "he moment of connection between bird and baby was broken, by an outburst of smug, cackling laughter ringing throughout the cabin - the sound s ound of money, money, to the human ear. et et to &addy, each laugh reminded him of the gra!eyard, and the screeching death-cries of the crows. 0f &addy didn*t sur!i!e this )ourney, the Morrigan and her cronies would most likely be coming for him2 the undertakers preparing him for his afterlife. Ene thing was for certain, and that was that &addy would ha!e lo!ed to ha!e used his powers of courage, to find a way out of this mess. 0ronically, 0ronically, he was far too scared for that, so stayed right where he was. 'is fear was amplified shortly afterwards. $ staff member reached down to the lower part of the trolley for a bag of crisps, inches from where &addy was laying. 0t was the only co!er between him and the outside world of the cabin. 0f the staff member reached down for another bag of crisps, she would fumble for a packet, and instead
grab a %ondon street pigeon. &addy needed a new hiding place. 'e needed to get off the train within the train. 'e kept still while it mo!ed on a few feet, before it pulled up beside an open weekend bag laying on the floor. floor. "he ips were open, and the bag re!ealed it*s it*s interior, in!itingly for a pigeon looking for co!er. 0t was comfortably large enough for &addy to fit in, and would pro!ide protection on all sides. 0n addition, the bag was finely crafted. Designer. >olden hand-stitching and a paisley silk lining. et et &addy didn*t ha!e a discerning eye for accessories. 0t may ha!e been a designer bag for a person, but a designer bed, for a pigeon. 0t looked perfect. 0n a moment of madness, &addy hopped down onto the carpet. 0f the trolley mo!ed now he*d be re!ealed to whole cabin. 'e had seconds to hop into the bag unseen. 'e wedged one leg in. "hen the other. other. Followed by his head, and his right wing. "he other, the left oneKcaught +tuck in the ip. &addy flapped hard, )ust once, out of sheer panic. 'e was freed, and in the bag. +ome passengers sensed a disturbance, but the feeling soon passed passe d away. away. "he trolley mo!ed on. "hat was close. &addy looked out from within, through the eye-shaped e ye-shaped opening of the bag and onto the carpet. 'e could see feet shifting, stretching, resting. &addy*s heart slammed, almost ready to burst through his breast. 'ow on earth would he get out of thisG $fter a few minutes of getting comfortable, inside the weekend bag, &addy wrested back control of his senses. 'is pounding heart soon soothed soothed and settled, as he nestled into the beautifully soft fabric. "he bag was the warmest and cosiest nest he*d e!er been in. 'e basked in its smoothness, and his worries, one by by one, faded away. away. 'is eyes slid shut. &addy began to dream. 'e found himself in "rafalgar +quare. &igeon paradise. But it was empty.
'e had awoken from his dream to the nightmare of his reality. /$'''''''''''''''*. +houts and yells were coming from all corners of the cabin. &addy*s rise to et it out. Eut* &addy did an in!oluntary poop, all o!er the bag*s inner lining. $fter a few seconds of being froen-still, all hell broke loose. &addy hurled himself upwards and out of the bag, straight into the ceiling of the train. With a big bump of his head, he spun around in a diy freny, desperately throwing himself into the windows to try and find fresh air. "hen another cry from the bag*s owner, owner, once they had fully inspected fully inspected &addy*s &addy*s makeshift nest2 /$nd he pooped in it too 0 want him shot, put down, thrown in a cage. &unish the beast* "here was pandemonium in the first class cabin. Jmbrellas were opened to protect against any further poops, parents screamed and children mostly giggled, but most importantly for the passengers, all the other designer bags on board were rapidly ipped up and stowed away. "he staff members who had been pushing &addy within the trolley, reached for a nearby bin. 0t was full with passenger rubbish, r ubbish, but this was an emergency. emergency. "hey emptied the contents of the bin into another bin, and the contents of that bin, into another one.
Ene of the black bins descended o!er &addy*s fragile and bruised frame. 0ts shadow was en!eloping him. "he Morrigan would surely be coming for him now, taking him to his birdy death. 'e had accepted his fate. &addy*s &addy*s world went black.
6
Darkness. Jtter darkness. 'e was standing in a profound emptiness, which echoed with gloomy re!erberations from beyond. Was Was this the afterworldG $nd could it ha!e been, )ust possibly, possibly, that those distant sounds were the melancholy death-cries of the MorriganG "hen, almost imperceptibly, a wide and narrow band of light appeared at his feet. 0t gradually broadened and heightened, until the darkness was fully replaced by light and colour and life. 0t was as if &addy had been reborn into a bra!e new world.
$nd squinting into the harsh brightness, he realised that this was, in fact, not the world of the dead, but the world of the li!ing. "he pigeon trap had been lifted. &addy turned, and found himself staring up at his captor2 the lady among the train*s staff who had co!ered him with the bin. +he was ushering him off the now empty train, and onto the platform. &addy shuffled forwards uncertainly, like a )ar-trapped insect that doesn*t know what do when it*s been freed. 'e noticed that the air smelled a little different now, but that the glass and steel surrounding him was much the same as in Iings Cross. "he many concrete platforms and domed ceilings were not unlike the imposing architectures of home. 'ad &addy e!en gone anywhere at allG 'e wasn*t eactly sure. Bearings needed to be gotten. $nd right on cue, there was another billboard to read2
Bienvenue + Paris !elcome to Paris
+omehow, +omehow, the )ourney, up to this point, had felt all too unreal. 0t 0 t wasn*t until &addy read the sign that he finally belie!ed where he was. "hankfully, he was ali!e, free, and uncaptured, which wasn*t a bad start, in bird terms. But he was also lost, alone and tremendously afraid. "hose were the things he would ha!e to try and sort out. 'e was also ehausted, and desperate for air. "he prospect of a 5urostar )ourney back home was too petrifying to contemplate right now. 'e needed to get out of here, if only briefly, to merely breathe and collect his thoughts. Following the train*s now departed passengers, &addy ensured that he kept his distance from any designer bags. $fter the chaotic e!ents that occurred in the firstclass cabin, the passengers were eager to lea!e the station quickly. &addy*s best route out would be to tail them from afar. Jp ahead, &addy recognised the little girl from the train who had wa!ed at him from under her seat. +he was the only tra!eller on board who had showed him any kindness. 5!erybody else was calling for his head, wantin him him dead. "he little girl was holding hands with her mum and dad. "hey were playing a game. $s the young daughter held on tightly to the palms of her parents, she was lifted up and swung forwards se!eral paces at once. "his meant she could take colossal strides, like those of a giant. 0t looked fun.
"he young girl was wearing a red and white polka dot dress, which meant that &addy now had a brightly coloured ob)ect of focus that hopefully, hopefully, would lead him right out and onto the street. "he girl and her family appeared to be heading for the eit. &addy followed the red and white polka dots through tunnels, up escalators, and between barriers, all while maintaining the distance of a spy in silent pursuit. $s the polka dot dress finally showed him the way out of the station*s entrance, &addy was relie!ed that his plan had worked, for once. $t last, he stumbled out of >are du et some twigs, and hold them to the flames. "his is your sto!e*. $s she demonstrated, a crackle of fire popped, making the pigeons in the front row flinch and back up a few feet.
$ regular lady this time, not like the sycophantic lady pigeons who spent time with &addy*s &addy*s famous dad. 11 Birds are rather flammable creatures, so any trouble with fire can escalate pretty escalate pretty quickly. +0D5
"he chef finished her demonstration with a flourish, before saying2 and there you ha!e it. Hoila* "hat word made &addy shudder. 'e decided that he didn*t really ha!e time for this cooking nonsense, so whispered in the ear of a bird at the back of the crowd2 /Can you tell me how 0 get to 5nglandG 0 need to go home.* "he bird shrugged, gi!ing &addy a glare for distracting him from his cookery lesson. &addy asked another. another. /"ake the Euro the Euro-- star star , dummy* he replied, scoffing at the apparent ridiculousness of &addy*s &addy*s question. &addy slumped. "here was no way he was going back on the train, after his recent escapade. With that in mind, he spoke louder, towards a few birds in the crowd, to see if they would offer a more helpful response. $gain, he was laughed off. By now, now, the pigeon chef on the podium had o!erheard &addy*s accent mo!ing through the crowd. /'ey 5nglish Come o!er here* she said. /Maybe 0 can help*. "he crowd of pigeons turned to face &addy, curious of the lost foreigner in their land, but also !isibly pee!ed at the interruption to their cookery show. show. &addy felt naked. Well technically, he already was. Birds usually are. But now he felt figurati!ely naked, metaphorically eposed, as well as literally. /Come up here, don*t worry. worry. 0 won*t bite*. "he chef beckoned &addy towards her. "he crowd parted like the red sea, creating a pathway for &addy to walk up to the raised platform. 'e hated being in public, but being in public in another country c ountry,, was another matter. Jnthinkable. &addy half-epected a barrage of insults to fly at him as he made his way up the steps. 0nstead, an impatient silence snapped at his heels. "hirty pairs of eyes were following his e!ery mo!e with great intrigue. "he last thing &addy wanted to do was ruin the chef*s recipe. 'e felt his insides go all wobbly, and had a recipe of his own, brewing in his stomach. "he current mi of ingredients in there were a concoction of ner!es and !ulnerability, swirled together with the trolley snacks he*d eaten on the 5urostar. 0t wouldn*t be appetising to anyone. "he chef could sense se nse &addy*s unease. /Ekay, /Ekay, that*s enough for today, class dismissed* +he called out. /
up in the gutter somewhere# pocket lighters only please*. "he crowd slowly parted, somewhat surprised by the sudden ending to their lesson. 'alf of them were trying to ea!esdrop on &addy, while others were making mental recipe notes for the net session. /$nd you there*, the chef called to one member of the crowd, a local pigeon who was still watching &addy intently. /+top staring at the foreigner. 'e*s 'e*s )ust like us ( make him welcome*. "he chef apologied to &addy, &addy, on behalf of the staring bird, before introducing herself officially2 /5nchantO 0 am Mademoiselle Michelle Michel, the first pigeon chef to be awarded 9 golden feathers in the world of a!ian cuisine.* &addy looked blank. /9 golden feathers means 0*m good. ,eally good. ,eally good. good. "he best of the best, and most significantly, better than the men. 8 feathers is all the best of the men has mustered. For years they got all the pries. 'owe!er, my work is so undeniably eceptional, it has trumped them all. Ekay, Ekay, 0*ll stop bragging. But you want to know my secretG* secre tG* /0 )ust want to know how to get backK* /0 waste nothing*, Michelle interrupted, and continued2 /e!en the most disgusting rubbish can be turned into something equisite. For eample, cigarette ash for smokiness, stale beer for some depth, chewing gum for teture, wild herbs, grasses and weeds for a kick. 0t*s all gra!y, gra!y, baby*. &addy couldn*t get a word in edgewise. /'ere, 5nglish, meet my friends*, Michelle said. +he called to the other side of the street2 /$le, "hierry, come on up here*. "hey nodded in turn, a nd made their way o!er the road and up the steps. "hierry was the older of the two. 'e had clearly seen better days, and had fading grey feathers. 'e had a gammy leg, which actually appeared to gi!e him some swagger, as he limped towards the podium. $le, on the other hand, was a young bundle of energy, energy, and nearly got himself run o!er in i n ecitement. $le introduced himself first.
/5nchantO. ;e m*appelle $le. $nd $nd this here is "hierry. What*s What*s your nameG /&addy. /&addy. 5nchantOKto you too*. /Bon)our &addy* "hierry said, smiling weakly, as if something deep down had been troubling him, but he didn*t want to show it. Michelle Michel butted back in. /"hierry used to be the happiest bird ali!e, back in the day, until he lost his one true 5nglish lo!e. "hen he forgot how to lo!e.
/0 would lo!e to stay*, &addy said. /0 really would, but 0 need to get home to 5ngland. 0*m trying to get to pigeon paradise. "rafalgar +quare, in %ondon.* /&igeon paradiseG* Michelle said. /Well, that works with us. We We can be a team, like the three musketeers, ecept with four*. /Wh-what do you meanG ou ou want to come to 5ngland tooG* &addy &addy said. Michelle ga!e &addy another pitying look, before replying2 /5arlier, 0 saw you come out from >are du
/"here must be another way*, &addy said insistently insis tently.. /0*m afraid not, little bird*, "hierry said. /reek word 5lysium, which actually means paradise*. /'uh. Well, 0 guess we*ll be going from one paradise to another*, &addy said, amaed by the miraculous coincidence of paradise in a place, that before today, today, he*d ne!er e!en known.
7
"he four musketeers2 "hierry, Michelle Michel, $le, and &addy, &addy, all arri!ed at the Champs 5lysOe within minutes of agreeing to embark on their daring ad!enture. "hierry, "hierry, the old wise wis e head, had led the way, flowing through the &arisian streets with more ease than the ri!er +eine. 5n route, chef Michelle Michel had rustled up a packed lunch for the )ourney ahead, which included2 frogs legs, snails, and a miture of seeds. 0t definitely sounds a lot worse than it actually was. Fashionista $le meanwhile, gathered all the brightly coloured feathers he could find, and put them into a sack 3well, a small carrier bag to you and me4, which he carried
from his beak. 'e would need the feathers to look his best for %ondon*s fashion scene. $nd &addy, &addy, looking around at his new friends, with e!ery passing moment, felt increasingly confident in his powers of courage. 'e had no doubt that he and his French companions would make it to %ondon, one way or another. /+o what happens netG* &addy asked "hierry, "hierry, as they touched down net to a sycamore tree. /We must find a na!igation specialist. "hese birds help guide other birds to tra!el long distances*. /But 0 thought you*d done this trip to Calais before*, &addy said. Why would we need outside helpG* /0t is true ( 0 did attempt this trip, once, a long time ago*. "hierry said, with a sigh, as he contemplated his long-lost, 5nglish lady pigeon lo!e. /But if you remember, 0 failed in my attempt to get past the seagulls and cross the channel. "he gulls !iew migrating birds as a threat to their share of the grain. $nd now that their control of the borders has strengthened, they won*t let anyone anyone through if they don*t don*t like the look of them. 0f we*re to be successful, this time we*ll need some assistance, preferably from a starling ( they are communications eperts, and professional bird smugglers. +tarlings can send a tweet faster than the wind, and ha!e useful connections in all sorts of unepected places. 'opefully, they will arrange for our safe passage, hidden away from the border patrolling seagulls*. &addy soon became aware that there were many starlings in the area, talking hurriedly to small groups of birds. &addy knew now that this was the real reason they were at the Champs 5lysOe. $ny sightseeing would ha!e to wait for another trip. "here was serious work to do. &addy found out from "hierry that the collecti!e noun for starlings is a murmuration, and boy oh boy, were these birds murmuring. >ossipy chirps and scandalous witterings were being echanged at a ferocious speed. &addy was con!inced he*d e!en o!erheard some !icious rumours being spread about his celebrity parents, but he did his best to shut the noise out. Ene starling looked particularly animated, but spoke in the faintest whisper. +he looked like she was trying to sell something# something fishy, something illeal . &addy listened in2 /For a bag of grain, 0*ll tell you how to get to >ermany. For A bags of grain, 6ussia. For A7 bags of grain, 0*ll get you into
/"hat*s i!e me some of that.
Ence they were all huddled together in the quiet, ood. +o ensure you follow my instructions to the letter*. /Wh-why is e!erything so secreti!eG* s ecreti!eG* &addy asked.
/>i!e me some more soup and 0*ll tell you a little something*. Michelle offered another spoonful. /Between you and me, Qiou is hiding thousands of foreign migrant birds, who the seagulls would thoroughly disappro!e of, if they knew they were all in France. Qiou pro!ides shelter for them until they can find a safe route somewhere.
8
"ra!ersing the boundary between humankind and nature, the pigeons left behind the concrete )ungle of &aris and entered a countryside of green and gold. "heir bird*s-eye !iews ga!e them unique perspecti!es o!er the land. +oaring high o!er the farms and fields, they looked down at the many trapeia )oined together like a grassy patchwork blanket. $t their altitude, they encountered all sorts of ob)ects that are often missed at ground le!el. &lanes, gliders, kites, hot air balloons, not to mention countless other birds, all going their own ways.
"hey e!en saw some man-made birds. 6obotic, humourless helicopters. Drones, to you and me, but to the four musketeers, they looked like e!il mutant birds of prey. %uckily, %uckily, they didn*t attack. $!oiding all these wondrous ob)ects, the pigeons whistled through mist and cloud, as the sun sagged its way down towards the horion.
5!en the most seasoned birds get distracted by glittering ob)ects. "hey*re hardwired for it.
$nd right they were. &addy returned triumphantly, triumphantly, with the paper in his beak. 'e was breathless after his sprint, but the powers of courage had aided him )ust when he needed them, right when he took the decision to be bra!e. "he other birds breathed a collecti!e sigh of relief, before agreeing to look at the paper together. together. "hey changed their flying formation so that that they could all see at the same time. "hey took great care not to drop it with the wind blasting in their faces. "hey looked down at the paper, and inspected it closely. "he paper was a sil!er rectangle shape, with nothing but a symbol2 a yellow asterisk. What did it meanG 0t could ha!e been a message from Qiou, but it seemed unlikely. "here were no directions. Was this e!en meant for the four musketeersG Maybe they should ha!e )ust let the piece of paper fall to the ground. "hey decided to fly below the cloud, so they could see more birds ( perhaps one of them would be Qiou, or e!en a messenger. 'owe!er, light was fast fading, and the pigeons* feathers looked like camouflage against the grey sky. sky. "hierry started to look glum, as if the plan had already failed. 'e looked like he was starting to gi!e up on his 5nglish romance once again. /Don*t worry*, $le said. /We*ll /We*ll figure it out. %o!e always wins, in the end*. 0t wasn*t much comfort to "hierry, who had already lost in lo!e many times before. For an old bird like him, he didn*t ha!e much time left. 'e had already accepted that if they didn*t find Qiou, the whole trip would fail.
$ mass gra!e, &addy thought. 'e felt shi!ers. "he Morrigan, queen of crows and gatekeeper to the birdy underworld, suddenly re-entered his mind. /0 think 0 see it "he warehouse.* Michelle said. /+ee whatG* $le said. /What are you talking aboutG We We ha!en*t seen any birds*, "hierry said. Michelle replied smugly2 /What you*re all missing, is that we*re not supposed to meet a bird in the air. We*re We*re supposed to meet a bird on the ground*. +he nodded her head down, and sure enough, right below them, was a gigantic, ashy coloured building with a yellow asterisk on top. "he warehouse. Finally, Finally, they had made it. Whoops and cheers and high-fi!es went around, as they descended towards their target. While the others were celebrating howe!er, "hierry was typically cautious2 he didn*t want to show signs of his optimism, e!en though inside he started to feel a sense of blaing anticipation, a burning lo!e. 5!ery flap of his his wings was taking him a few inches closer to being reunited with his 5nglish girlfriend. $ssuming he could get across the border, of course. $nd $nd also assuming that he would find her, amongst the thousands of pigeons in %ondon. But that could wait until later. +quinting into the dusk, the pigeons could make out a metallic black starling, lurking in the shadows of one of the rear entrances. 0f it got any darker, he*d be completely in!isible. "he perfect disguise 0 suppose, for a bird smuggler. "he four musketeers closed in, and a thought occurred to &addy2 )ust how many foreign birds was Qiou was concealing in this massi!e placeG "he starling looked suspicious of the tra!ellers, and pretended to mind his own business, while he waited for one of the pigeons to initiate the con!ersation. $ thick silence swelled in the air. &addy plucked up the courage to break it. /'ello*, he said. /0t*s Qiou, rightG* /ou see nothing. ou hear nothing. ou speak nothing. JnderstandG* 'e turned on his heel and dashed into the warehouse. "he four musketeers looked at each other blankly, unsure if this really was the bird in question. "he starling popped his head back out. /Don*t )ust stand there, you fools Come in. Jnless you want to be made into a birdy soup for the seagulls*. /5ugh ( if only the gulls had some taste, 0 could make them a delicious soup with all that etra grain they*re hoarding. 0t would be much less messy*, Michelle scoffed. "he pigeons did their best to suppress their chuckling, but the odd squeak still escaped.
/"his is no laughing matter*, the starling said sternly. /"he gulls ha!e locked down the borders, and locked down the grain. "his is a crisis for many birds and their families, who ha!e been separated from their homelands and communities. Follow me*. Ence they were out of sight, in the dry and the warm of the warehouse, the starling quietly introduced himself properly. properly. /Welcome. 0 am Qiou. 0 offer you a room for the night, and the best ad!ice 0 can gi!e on getting you to 5ngland. But 0 cannot make promises. "he gulls ha!e sold their souls to the Morrigan in echange for control of the birdy borders, and naturally, the grain*. /+old their soulsG But the Morrigan is not real*, Michelle said. $le and "hierry nodded in agreement. /ou*d /ou*d be a fool to doubt it. "he gulls ha!e this coastline controlled with an iron fist. >one are the days of free mo!ement of birds*. /+ee 0 told you* &addy whispered, feeling !indicated. /0t*s /0t *s )ust like the Morrigan told me, she takes the hearts and souls of birds who no longer use them*. /"oo right*, Qiou said. /$nd these seagulls are the most heartless, soulless creatures in the animal kingdom. Worse Worse e!en than humans, dare 0 say it*. "he pigeons began bickering amongst themsel!es about whether the Morrigan truly eisted. /'ush*. Qiou said. /ou see nothing. ou hear nothing. ou speak nothing. JnderstandG* Qiou led them behind a curtain, and into one of the building*s building*s !ents. "hey shuffled through blackened corridors, hardly able to see, for what felt like fore!er. "he !ent must ha!e been a mile long, around the outer perimeter of the building. Qiou took the pigeons past many families, shadowy groups of birds2 faceless, nameless and !oiceless, displaced and apparently unaccepted by the local gulls. "hey must ha!e passed hundreds of such birds before they reached their designated nesting spot, which was situated near an eit !ent on the far side of the warehouse. /ou /ou sleep here. JnderstandG* Qiou said, as he laid a black cloth down, to be used as as a shared bird blanket for the four of them. /Before dawn, head out through this !ent. 5nsure that you lea!e before sunrise - that*s when the seagulls wake up and start their border patrol shift. ou ou ha!e a narrow window to get get across the channel to 5ngland with enough light so that you can see but not so much light that you are seen. "hat, 0*m afraid, is the best you can hope for in these troubling times.
"he four musketeers thanked Qiou, and understood the challenge that awaited them tomorrow. 'ow was it possible to see and not be seenG "here was only one way to find out. &addy was ehausted. 'e*d already accomplished more today than his entire life so far. But before he could re!isit the e!ents in his mind, he collapsed into the makeshift nest, under co!er of darkness. "his time though, he was wrapped in a darkness of security, rather than the capti!ity of the train*s upturned bin. 'e slept like a log.
$ cacophony of chirping brought in the new day. En a regular morning, this would ha!e been a delightful thing to wake up to. But on this day, it was a truly disastrous thing to hear, because it meant that the pigeons had missed the crack of dawn. "hey were late. "he gulls, aka the birdy border patrol force, would be starting their shift right away, if they hadn*t already, and the pigeons* brief brief window of opportunity to cross the channel undetected would be closing. 0mminently. 0mminently. Jnfortunately, Jnfortunately, the pigeons had slept a little too well in Qiou*s warehouse, and none of them had had the luury of an alarm alar m clock to wake them on time. $dmittedly, $dmittedly, it was a fairly ma)or flaw in their otherwise perfect plan. While the birds around them
were twittering away )oyously, the four musketeers were all a panicked flurry of feathers, as they aniously bundled out of the !ent at the rear of the warehouse. "hey were greeted by the smell of the salty air, and the sound of the nearby cries of the seagulls, who were wide-awake, and patrolling. /+acre bleu* $le said. /'ow are we going to get past themG* /Don*t you worry, worry, 0*ll show them who*s who*s le chef around here*, said Michelle Michel, clenching imaginary fists. /Brute force won*t work, Michelle. We*re outnumbered here*, "hierry said. /"he original plan no longer works for us*. /DoKwe ha!e a plan BG* &addy enquired, looking looking hopefully at the others. /
/Follow me*, "hierry said, with renewed self-confidence. 'e had a sense of dO) !u, as he remembered the Calais roads from the last time he attempted the cross-channel )ourney. )ourney. "he map in his head was re!ealing itself at )ust the right time. 'e took them through the narrow streets towards the shore, ensuring that they didn*t arouse any suspicion. 5ach time a seagull flew o!erhead, the pigeons ducked for co!er in a front porch or under the awning of a shop. 5ach time, they were shooed away by the early-risers 3otherwise known as the cray morning people4 setting up for the day. With With e!ery seagull cry, &addy felt the deathly spirit of the Morrigan wash o!er him, but his powers of courage forced him to press on, which encouraged encouraged the others to do the same. $rri!ing at the port, the four musketeers perched behind cars on the ramp leading into the boat. +eagulls could be heard e!erywhere, but not seen. "he foghorn of the ferry blasted. 0t was due to lea!e. /0t*s perfect*, &addy said. /
ecessi!ely pampered. 'e had a pompous and sneering air, too. 'e clearly had great power and wealth, but &addy couldn*t couldn*t fathom how he*d acquired it. "he chief looked satisfied that &addy was 5nglish. "here was no denying it. 'is accent and his awkward stance told the gulls all they needed to know. /'ow about your companionsG* the chief asked, looking at the French birds. /"hey are 5nglish too* &addy insisted. /"heyKcan speak for themsel!es*, the chief said. 'e was starting to take control. $le was up first, and put on his best British accent. /0*m a proper country bird, 0 am*, $le said hopefully. /"hat*, the boss said, /is the worst British accent 0 ha!e e!er heard. 5!er. $nd you twoG +peak up*. $ hea!y silence hung on the others. 0f $le couldn*t con!ince them, Michelle and "hierry didn*t ha!e a chance. /"he three of us are us are French* "hierry said, making a distinction between &addy and the rest of them. /0s there a problemG* /Damn bleedin* right there*s a problem. We*!e got enough problems as it is without you etras coming in.
"rumpus "rumpus +au!age looked so shocked at "hierry*s effrontery, effrontery, that he was lost for words. "hierry didn*t seem affected by Mr. "rumpus* "rumpus* titles whatsoe!er. /%isten, Mr. +au!age, 0 will be straight with you. 0f you*re a decent enough bird to hear me out to me for one minute, 0 will eplain a few of the compelling reasons why you should allow us into your fine country*. />o on then*, Mr. +au!age said. /Firstly, the lady to my right, Michelle Michel, is the greatest pigeon chef in France, and 0 suspect, the world.* Michelle nodded furiously in agreement. /+he is an epert in using grain more efficiently, so that twice as many birds can eat with half the amount of grain.
courage, for leading them to the seagulls, but it was too late now. now. Why would the Morrigan gi!e him powers that led to failureG 0t didn*t make sense. $s he was taken across the channel by the group of pretentious and haughty seagulls, &addy thought to himself2 /"rumpus +au!ageG %eader of the gulliesG What a silly name, and what a silly bunch of birds*. +o, with a raging fire f ire in his belly, belly, &addy was escorted back to 5ngland.
1! /
"he seagulls seemed to ha!e turned their attention elsewhere, anyway. "hey continued to bark commands along the border, ordering each other to watch for any incoming birds that weren*t their own kind. Ef course, after the pigeons* recent failure, there wouldn*t be any other birds cray enough to try the crossing. cr ossing. 5!erything was already on lockdown. "rumpus "rumpus +au!age was conducting a ruthlessly efficient operation. 0t got &addy thinking, didn*t the gulls ha!e anything better to doG What were they going to do with all this ecess grain they were hoardingG "hey were all fat enough as it was. But it was little consolation to &addy. 'e continued for a couple of miles, hanging his head in despair and commiseration for his French companions first and foremost ( but also, for himself, for ha!ing been separated from them. Disappointment was replaced by emptiness as he marched inland. 'e would ha!e to muster up the energy to fly soon, but he couldn*t manage it yet. 6egardless of what had happened, he still had to pursue his dream of making it to "rafalgar +quare. 0t*s what the others would ha!e wanted for him, without a doubt. $ huge flock of new gulls were approaching from o!er the channel. 'undreds of them. %arger than your regular flock, to be sure. 6einforcements, probably, &addy thought. 'e didn*t really care anymore. 'e felt powerless. "he new flock of seagulls soared o!er the border patrol gullies, and seemed to be trailing &addy. "hey "hey looked smaller than usual, and were perhaps the mischie!ous chicks of "rumpus +au!age, coming to taunt him. &addy simply wanted to be left to his own de!ices, not to be pestered by these little +au!age minions. 'e picked up speed s peed to try and get ahead of them. "alking to them was the least of his concerns. Despite that, the gulls still tracked his mo!ements, edging closer and closer. 0n the end, &addy couldn*t take the stalking any more. 'e turned and shouted2 /%ea!e me alone. 0 don*t want to talk to you unless you bring my friends back*. /Wee are your friends*, the gulls said /W s aid from afar. /eah, /eah, right*, &addy said. 'e turned his back on them. /'ey, /'ey, &addy, &addy, you nicompoop, wait for us*. "he abuse a buse was clearly about to start. &addy was about to blow his top, and prepared to launch a !icious tirade against the gulls, telling them where to sho!e their beaks and whatnot, before the seagulls, most concerningly, concerningly, began gettingKundressed gettingK undressed 0n all the madness of the last couple of days, this was the cherry on the cake. 'undreds of birds, taking their clothes off $s each of the birds unpicked themsel!es feather by feather, they re!ealed their true forms.
0t turns out they weren*t gulls at all. "hese birds were shedding disguises. Many of them were actually pigeons. "here were hundreds of them, glorious and grey. "here "here were others too. +tarlings, sparrows, finches, e!en a couple of lapwings. $ll freed from the tyranny of border patrol, migrating to Britain once more, all for their own important reasons. &addy looked for a familiar face among the crowd. /'ey 5nglish*, came a familiar call. 0t was Michelle Michel &addy couldn*t belie!e it. 'e was going to be reunited with his friends. 0n 5ngland. &addy rushed o!er, and his smile widened as a s he saw $le and "hierry too. /'ow did you do itG* 'e asked. /"he feathers, ob!iously. ob!iously. 'adn*t you worked that outG* $le said, chuckling. c huckling. /0 know, but there are so many birds here ( 0*m amaed*. /Well, we did ha!e to pick up some etra feathers from somewhere*, $le said, /Well, looking around cheekily at the others. /$fter you left, we managed to ambush a few gulls who were isolated from their patrol group, and we plucked them clean. "hey didn*t dare tell on us to "rumpus +au!age, because they were so embarrassed to be in front of him, in the nude, if you know what 0 mean. "hey were as bald as coots by the time we*d finished with them, and by then we had enough white feathers for the whole group - for a whole army of birds dressed as gulls*. /But surely "rumpus knows by nowG* /&robably. /&robably. We We left him a nice smelly package in his li!ing quarters before we left*. /$ll the more reason to be mo!ing quickly on*, "hierry said, a look of fiery romance in his eyes. /Eooh, someone wants to see his girlfriend*, Michelle said. /"his is no time for idle )oking*, "hierry snapped, concerned that some gulls may be spying on them still. $le stood up straight, as a s if addressing a military captain. /es /es sir* he said, quickly gathering up the remaining feathers, stuffing them into his sack. Without them, there would be no / peacock.chic*, peacock.chic*, the fashion collection he was set to unleash on the streets of %ondon. $nd with that, they were bound for %ondon, )oined by the other birds who had finally found refuge from the gulls. Many of them were from Qiou*s place. "he birds took flight in a wonderfully chaotic formation, and the four musketeers sensed that they were on the home straight.
"he morning mist had cleared, and &addy could ha!e sworn he heard a whisper in the air. 0t sounded like the message he*d been told by the Morrigan in the gra!eyard2 /ou /ou must listen to your heart and soul, when your head tells you that something is impossible*. &addy*s faith in the queen of crows and her powers of courage had been restored. 0t seemed so clear to him now that he was not the only one who had been blessed with courage. 5ach and e!ery bird that had crossed the channel had shown great resol!e and bra!ery. 0t became increasingly ob!ious that courage was a!ailable to all, if one could only find the way to use it. "rafalgar beckoned, and awaited the courageous.
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&atrick ;r. 6789:7 had done more in two days than most birds accomplish in a lifetime. 'e had been to &aris 3on a train with hundreds of people, 0 might add4, and had na!igated his way home !ia the most treacherous path. 'e*d shown outstanding courage, thanks in part to the Morrigan, who had supposedly bestowed a special power on him.
$t first &addy had been a bit miffed that the special powers didn*t gi!e him abilities like shape-shifting or time-tra!el, or a powerful laser gun that he could direct with his eyes to destroy his seagull enemies. $fter gi!ing it some thought though, he suspected that the Morrigan hadn*t gi!en him anything at all# it was possible that she had only brought to &addy*s attention the fact that courage can be called upon from within. "he lesson learned was the power in itself. 5!en though he and his companions would soon reach "rafalgar, "rafalgar, &addy was certain certa in that the )ourneys of the rest of their li!es were )ust getting started, and there would be more powers to learn lear n along the way. When &addy had set out, his mum had told him to become his own bird, and while he*d conquered his fears, and seen and done things that were barely belie!able in two days, he still felt like he had a long way to go. 'is friends still had a long way to go too2 $le was preparing to launch his /peacock-chic* style on the %ondon birdy fashion scene, and who knew how far he could goG &erhaps one day e!en humans would adopt the look. Michelle Michel had a lot of work planned as well, to try and feed as many %ondon birds as she could with haute cuisine, thrown together from the littered streets. By contrast, "hierry*s )ourney was closest to its end - with him being the oldest of the pigeons ( yet he was gi!en a late lease of life knowing that his 5nglish lo!e lo!e could be near. 'e didn*t know for sure that she*d be waiting for him, but he simply had to try and find her. 0t was romance, after all. 5!en the oldest and wisest birds are still ?becoming@ who they are, you know. When the others had asked "hierry about where he would find her among the thousands of %ondon birds, he replied2 /"he last time 0 saw her, she told me that she*d wait by
nest. 'e hadn*t been away long of course, but he hoped that M"M*s pia-free diet would ha!e by now set her free from the confines of the neon-orange plastic trap she was encased in. &addy hadn*t told the others about his mum. 'e was a little embarrassed about the whole situation, and besides, it*s not !ery gentlemanly to tell others that your Mum*s trying to lose weight. 'e was sure that his French friends would all meet her in good time.
Darting between the skyscrapers and historic buildings, the flock of birds that had crossed the channel gradually split off on their own paths, ducking into %ondon*s %ondon*s alleyways and secret passages, while the pigeons firmly set their sights on "rafalgar +quare. Between them, they had enough knowledge to get close. "hey flew in sync, in a starling-murmuration sort of way, which mo!ed like a great grey billowing curtain, glistening with metallic green and purple. $pproaching from the 5ast, they descended into the chaotic city. +trings of !ehicles lined the streets. streets . Millions of bodies mo!ed below, below, intermingling. $s they cruised by +t. &aul*s cathedral, they could at last see the towering statue of allery. >allery.19 $nd most crucially for pigeons, an abundance of food and drink. >lorious mounds of rubbish and scraps and crumbs and bits and bobs. &addy and his friends started pecking away furiously, and nearly forgot to take in the fact that they had completed their )ourney. 5!en "hierry forgot about his 5nglish girlfriend for a while.
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5!en though pigeons weren*t allowed in, they still liked the buildings.
"hey were soon interrupted by the booming chime of Big Ben, which rang all the way down to "rafalgar. "rafalgar. "he birds counted each bell to see if it was 18 /o* clock noon yet. Ene, two, three, fourK "hierry spoke, unable to wait. /0 think 0 see her. My lo!e.* $le, Michelle and &addy looked at each other in half disbelief, half ecitement, and by the time they looked back, "hierry "hierry was off. 'e had barged his way through the crowd, lea!ing the rest of the musketeers behind. "hey tried to catch up with him, pushing and sho!ing their way through, but a little less successfully. successfully. $ couple of disgruntled %ondon pigeons shouted /Ei ( what you doingG* as &addy, &addy, Michelle and $le nudged past. "heir !iew was blocked by e!en more birds. $ll they could hear was "hierry cry out. /Matilda Matilda Eh sweet Matilda*. 0t was the first time that the other pigeons had heard "hierry speak her name. &addy felt a shi!er of strangeness wash o!er him. 'e felt the Morrigan*s presence nearby. $s the crowd parted in front of &addy, it re!ealed two pigeons, desperately in lo!e, kissing and slobbering all o!er each other. "hierry and Matilda had been reunited, at last. $nd they were making up for lost time. /MumG* &addy called out in bemusement. &addy*s &addy*s )aw dropped. 0t was his Mum, Matilda, M"M, stood in front of him, kissing "hierry with passion. "his is gross, &addy thought. 'ow had she gotten hereG $nd why was she kissing "hierryG "hierry was much mistaken, surely. surely. "hierry looked back, )ust as confused as young &addy. &addy. &addy, &addy, meet my 5nglish lo!e, Matilda, or Mathilde, en francais. /Meet herG +he*s +he*s my Mum, you numpty, why are you drooling all o!er herG* /+he*s your motherG* "hierry "hierry said in utter shock. /Eh &atrick*, Matilda began, /0 don*t know how it*s possible that you met this bird in France but it is true. 0 am his long lost lo!e. 0 fell in lo!e with "hierry before your
father, but he was dri!en out of the country by the birdy border patrol. $fter many years, 0 had to try and mo!e on. But 0 couldn*t be happy, happy, especially with that rapscallion father of yours ( good riddance to him. 5!ery day 0 ha!e waited here for my French prince. 0 ne!er ga!e up hope*. &addy*s &addy*s mind whirred. "he pieces slowly came c ame together. This was why his Mum had been so miserable with his father, this was the reason why she wouldn*t let &addy come down to "rafalgar +quare. +he had been waiting for "hierry all along. /0*m sorry 0 kept it from you all these years*, Matilda said, sobbing. /"hierry. 0 knew you would ne!er gi!e up*. 'er tears became tears of )oy. &addy understood. 'is mum was only trying to protect him, and he had ne!er seen her so in lo!e. Ence they*d finished canoodling, ca noodling, &addy did ha!e a burning question for his mother. mother. /'ow did you get out of the coneG* /$ couple of days off the pia and 0 wriggled my way out.*, Matilda said. "he French birds had blank epressions. "hey knew nothing about M"M, Matilda*s wild alter-ego. /$nother story for later*, &addy said reassuringly. $s they settled in to their new surroundings, a feeling of peace o!ercame &addy, and a sense of normality ensued. 'e looked out across the square. $le had begun flaunting his feathers, and was quickly surrounded by birds who wanted a piece of ?peacock-chic@. Michelle Michel began rustling up her famous ?9 golden-feathered@ cuisine, and pigeons instantly flocked to dine in luury. luury. What started as an orderly queue became a scrum, with birds eager to taste the finest birdy food in %ondon. "hierry and Matilda took a stroll around "rafalgar, wing-in-wing,1= catching up on old times, catching up on lost time, and looking forward to the future time they would ha!e together. together. &addy remained still, and pondered the uncanny coincidence of bumping into his mother*s long lost boyfriend in France. Er was it a coincidenceG Was this all part of the planG $ plan orchestrated by the Morrigan, queen of crows, gatekeeper to the afterworldG $fter all, it was her followers who had insisted &addy take the train. &addy wanted some sort of a sign to pro!e it, but it mattered little now. 5!erybody was where they were supposed supposed to be.
1=
Birds can*t hold hands, ob!iously.
'e looked at a puddle on the ground, lefto!er from the morning*s rain. $ black shadow swept o!er it, as if a crow had passed o!erhead, blocking out the light. Was Was this the sign of the MorriganG Would Would she be coming to rise up out of the murky water to meet him againG
