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THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER
SCENE 1
CURTAIN CURTAIN PARTLY PARTLY OPEN; TV in place. Lights up on Armstrong living room, room, lights down on front of stage.
MRS. ARMSTRONG: (offstage) Kids! The show is starting!
All second and third grade girls and second grade boys run on the stage from from Stage Right or up the center aisle; congregate in the Armstrong Armstrong living room. room. They say, “Ooh, I love this show!” “I’ve been waiting all day!” “It’s “It’s my favorite!” “I get to sit on the sofa!” “I can’t can’t wait for it to begin!” “Make room for me!” “Hurry up! We don’t don’t want to miss any of it!” Once kids are settled, GINGER picks p icks up large remote.
GINGER : Ready?
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Yes!
GINGER : OK, here goes!
Lights up on front of stage. Through Through the TV set curtain come, one at a time, fifth and fourth grade students, plus DAVID, DAVID, wearing T-shirts T-shirts with their first first names and Mouseketeer hats.
): Mouseketeer roll call, call, count off now! Jimmy! HOBIE: (with “Jimmy” on shirt, marching ):
DONNA: Donna!
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ANNIE: Annie!
DAVID: Cubby!
MAUREEN: Maureen!
JENNY: Jenny!
CATHY: Cathy!
RICHIE: Richie!
NANCY: Nancy!
BRENDA: Brenda!
SHIRLEY: Shirley!
BILLY: Billy!
DARLENE: Darlene!
PATTY: Annette!
After roll call, call, they stand across front front of stage and sing:
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MOUSEKETEERS: Who’s the leader of the club who’s made for you and me?
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E! Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! You’re You’re as welcome as a s can be, M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E! Mickey Mouse
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Donald Duck!
MOUSEKETEERS: Mickey Mouse
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Donald Duck!
MOUSEKETEERS: Forever let us hold our banner high!
LIVING ROOM KIDS: High, High, High!
MOUSEKETEERS: Come along and sing our song and join our jamboree.
M-I-C, K-E-Y, K-E-Y,
M-O-U-S-E! M-O-U-S-E !
Mouseketeers freeze in place.
MRS. ARMSTRONG: (offstage) Turn (offstage) Turn the volume down!
(Front of stage lights go down. Mousekeeters exit silently, silently, stage left.)
4 remote) Wee sure are lucky luc ky to have this handy-dandy Wireless GINGER : OK, mom! (Picking up remote) W Wizard remote control!
lot of buttons! Which one is volume? BARBARA: There sure are a lot
GINGER : I think it’s it’s this one. (Presses button)
All available sixth graders come rushing out from from the TV curtain and start dancing to American Bandstand theme song, playing good and loud.
LISA steps
forward forward during dancing.
Today’s show is brought to LISA: Welcome to American Bandstand, with your host Dick Clark! Today’s you by the makers of Certs breath mints. They’re two…two…two mints in one!
MRS. ARMSTRONG enters stage right with REV. REV. HOPKINS, blocking the kids who are dancing.
MRS. ARMSTRONG: I said, turn it down! (music turns off but Bandstand kids keep dancing) Now, Now, kids, Reverend Hopkins is here and he wants to say hello.
REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: Good afternoon, children. (as he walks over ov er,, lights down on dancers and they exit stage left)
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Good afternoon, afternoon, Reverend Hopkins! (curtsies)
it’s not yet Thanksgiving, Christmas REV. HOPKINS: I just wanted to remind you that while it’s will be here before you know kn ow it…
5 LIVING ROOM KIDS: Yay!
REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: I feel the same way. way. At Christmas we celebrate the coming of—
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Santa Claus!
Now, Mrs. REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: —the coming of the baby Jesus in a manger in Bethlehem. Now, Armstrong and I were just talking about the wonderful thing that will take place on Christmas Eve…
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Santa Claus!
talking about our annual Christmas pageant. REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: Well, yes, but I’m talking
LIVING ROOM KIDS: Oh…
REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: With your help as angels and shepherds, and Mrs. Armstrong directing it again this year— (looks (looks hopefully at MRS. ARMSTRONG)
That’s right … of course—17th year in a row! MRS. ARMSTRONG: That’s
REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: —we’re going to make it the best Christmas pageant ever!
All freeze. REV. REV. HOPKINS walks forward to microphone. microphone.
REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Saint Ann School Drama Club’s Club’s show. show. Please, no flash photography during the show. We will have a 15 minute intermission, with
6 desserts downstairs in the cafeteria. We hope you’ll buy a raffle ticket, and we’ll draw the winner at the end of the show. show. All proceeds tonight will go to support a good cause.
He returns to his place in the scene. All unfreeze. unfreeze.
MRS. ARMSTRONG: Thanks, Reverend Hopkins. I’ll see you Sunday. Sunday. OK, kids, you can go back to your show, but please keep it down. (REV. (REV. HOPKINS exits e xits down center c enter steps, MRS. ARMSTRONG exits stage left)
Most kids start yelling “Turn “Turn Mickey Mouse Club back on!” Others yell, “No, let’s let’s watch Leave it to Beaver!” Then a huge crash is heard heard offstage right and MRS. ARMSTRONG yells in pain. All kids look at the audience in shock.
Lights go down, all LIVING ROOM KIDS exit stage left.
CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES to set up for Scene Scen e 2.
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SCENE 2 CURTAIN CURTAIN OPEN as Scene Sce ne 2 split-stage scene is set up in front of MIDCURTAIN. MIDCURTAIN. House lights down. Spotlight up on Beth, stage right. history of the world. They lied and BETH: The Herdmans were the worst kids in the whole history stole and smoked cigars, even the girls, and talked dirty and cussed their teachers and took the name of the Lord in vain v ain and set fire to Fred Shoemaker’s Shoe maker’s old broken down tool house. Spotlight up on set piece. During Beth’s Beth’s speech the Herdmans come on from from left and position themselves on and around the set piece, with Glady s at the top level. BETH: There were six of them – Ralph, Imogene, Leroy, Leroy, Claudia, Ollie, and Gladys – and they
went through the Woodrow Wilson Wilson School like those South American fish that strip your bones clean. They went around town the same way – stealing things and tearing things up and whamming kids…so it was hard to get away from them. There was only one safe place. prayer, sweet hour of use, because there there are no CHARLIE: (offstage, singing) Sweet hour of prayer, Herdmans there. And Jesus loves us, as they say, say, because he keeps them miles away. brother, Charlie. That’s what he said when the Sunday school teacher teacher BETH: That’s my little brother, asked what was was his favorite thing about church. Charlie said, “No Herdmans.” That made the the teacher mad because all the other kids said nice things about God and Jesus and good feelings. But old Charlie told the real truth – No Herdmans! Spotlight off Beth. GRACE, BOB, and CHARLIE enter through the door. door. Beth moves back to join them. They are returning returning from church, church, and all except Beth wear coats. BOB has a newspaper under his arm. Charlie speaks as he enters. CHARLIE: I don’t care what everybody else said, that’s that’s what I really thought. thought. All that other
stuff is okay but the main good thing about church is that the Herdmans aren’t there ever. ever. (Charlie drops coat on sofa.) coat) That’s not a very Christian sentiment, it seems to me. BOB: (taking off coat) That’s GRACE: (collecting coats) It’s It’s a very practical sentiment. Charlie was black and blue all last
year because he had to sit next to Leroy Herdman in school. (She exits with coats). BOB: Is he the worse one? Leroy? CHARLIE: They’re all the worst one.
8 Ralph’s the biggest, so if Ralph gets you… BETH: Ralph’s difference. Gladys isn’t big, but she’s she’s fast, and she’s she’s mean, CHARLIE: That doesn’t make any difference. and she bites. sorry I asked. Just stay away from all of them. BOB: I’m sorry CHARLIE: That’s what I said. Stay away from them. Go to to church. GRACE: (as she enters) I’m glad to hear you feel that that way. way. CHARLIE: (suspicious) (suspicious) Why? GRACE: No arguments this year about the Christmas pageant. CHARLIE: I don’t want to be a shepherd again!
Wise Man. GRACE: Tell Mrs. Armstrong you want to be a Wise CHARLIE: I don’t want to be in in it! GRACE: Everybody’s in it. Think how I’d feel sitting there on Christmas Christmas Eve, if my own
children weren’t in the pageant. Think how your father would feel. (There is a moment of silence, as everyone looks at BOB, knowing exactly how he feels on this subject.) wouldn’t you Bob? GRACE: You’d feel terrible, wouldn’t ell…ac tually, I didn’t plan to go (as GRACE starts to protest). Y protest). You ou know how crowded BOB: Well…actually, it always is, they can use my seat. I’ll just stay stay home, put on my bathrobe, relax. There’s never anything different about the Christmas pageant. There’s going to be something different this year. year. GRACE: There’s BOB: What?
Charlie’s going to wear your bathrobe. (She exits into kitchen). GRACE: Charlie’s BOB: (Calls after her). her). You just thought that up, Grace!
dollar to be BETH: (to CHARLIE ) Why don’t you be Joseph? Elmer Hopkins’ll pay you a dollar Joseph. (to BOB) BOB) Elmer’s sick of being Joseph all the time just just because his father’s the minister. minister. Nobody wants to be Joseph. CHARLIE: Nobody wants to be in in it!
9 BOB: (to Beth) What are you going to be this year?
choir. BETH: I’m always in the angel choir. BOB: Well, why can’t Charlie be in the angel choir? CHARLIE: Because I can’t sing!
that’s not a serious drawback. Away in a Manger always BOB: From what I heard in the past, that’s sounds to me like a closetful of mice. CHARLIE: (to BETH ) What do you wear in the angel choir? BETH: Bedsheets. CHARLIE: Oh, boy, boy, some choice… a bathrobe or a bedsheet. Come on, let’s let’s go watch TV. TV.
(they start out). out). GRACE: (entering from kitchen with coffee cup) You know, Mrs. Armstrong works very hard
to give everyone a lovely experience. like to run things. (they exit) BETH: Oh, Mom, Mrs. Armstrong just like she’s GRACE: They’re right, of course. She directs the pageant, she runs the potluck dinner, she’s chairperson of the Bazaar… I think Helen Armstrong would preach the sermon if an yone would let her. George Armstrong’ Armstrong’ss wife? BOB: Is that George GRACE: Yes.
that’s where she is. I saw George BOB: Well, maybe she’ll try to manage the hospital, because that’s at the drugstore and he told me his wife broke her leg this afternoon … she’ll be in traction for two weeks and laid up till the first of the year. Why, they’ll have to cancel Christmas! GRACE: The first of the year! Why, BOB: She’s in charge of Christmas? GRACE: Well, she’s in charge of the pageant, and she’s in charge of the bazaar … I feel sorry
for Helen, but who’s going to do all those things? Lights down on Bradley home. Lights up on group of parents parents gathered around around MRS ARMSTRONG in hospital bed.
10 bazaar. Now MRS. ARMSTRONG: I’m in charge of the pageant, the potluck supper and the bazaar. I’m stuck here in this bed. I have so much to do! I hate to ask…but I need help. MRS. SLOCUM: How did that happen? MRS. MCCARTHY: Yes, how did you come to break your leg? MRS. ARMSTRONG: I didn't come to break my leg, it was already broken when I got here. MRS. MCCARTHY: No, I mean how did you break it? Did you fall down the cellar steps? MRS. ARMSTRONG: No, actually I.... MRS. CLARK: Did you trip over the children's skates? MRS. ARMSTRONG: You know the children are not allowed to skate in the house! What
happened was...... unde rfoot. MRS. CLAUSING: I'll bet she tripped over the cat, our cat is always getting underfoot. We don't HAVE HAVE a cat. Now ladies PLEASE! Let me explain. I was MRS. ARMSTRONG: We talking on the phone.... MRS. MCCARTHY: The one next to the cellar steps?
We don't have a phone next to the cellar steps. LET ME MRS. ARMSTRONG: We FINISH!....Look I'll I'll show you. (She hops out of bed) I was talking on the phone in the kitchen while the kids were watching TV, TV, when the doorbell rang, and I ran to answer the door.. MRS. MCCARTHY: Did you hang up the phone first?
last summer remember? So I MRS. ARMSTRONG: No! I had the extra long cord installed last ran to the door. door. ( Runs Runs around front front of bed.) MRS. CLARK: Who was it? MRS. ARMSTRONG: Please! MRS. CLARK: ( sheepishly) sheepishly) Right, sorry. MRS. ARMSTRONG: It was that nice young man from the parcel service, you know with the
lamb chops? MRS. CLAUSING: He was delivering lamb chops? I didn't know they could do that!
11 MRS. ARMSTRONG: No no, the big sideburns. MRS. CLARK: Mutton chops! MRS. ARMSTRONG: That's it! So anyway, I ran back to the kitchen with my package and the
phone cord wrapped around the table leg. MRS. MCCARTHY: The dining room table? MRS. ARMSTRONG: No dear, the COFFEE table. MRS. MCCARTHY: Oh. MRS. ARMSTRONG: So then, I remembered that I forgot to tip the young man, so I ran back
to the door and called out to him like this, then back to the table again, and then back to the door again like this. By the time I got back to to the door my legs were all all tangled up in the cord and I fell forward, right into the young man's arms. ALL LADIES: ( Looking Looking coquettish) coquettish) Oh my! MRS. MCCARTHY: You You mean to say he h e was holding you in his arms right there on the front
porch? MRS. ARMSTRONG: I mean to say he dropped me, right on my derriere! ( Flops Flops back down
on bed.) MRS. CLAUSING: Well I would think that might be to your advantage, I mean not to give
offense, but I think think we're all rather well represented in that area Ladies (Ladies titter.) titter.) MRS. ARMSTRONG: None taken dear, alas, that was my undoing, my leg was beneath me. MRS. CLARK : How can we help? MRS. ARMSTRONG: I need someone to take over all my responsibilities.
ALL turn away, away, trying not to make eye contact with MRS. ARMSTRONG. bazaar, Edna, if you’ll do the potluck potluck supper. I MRS. SLOCUM: Wellllll, I’ll take over the bazaar, don’t know what in the world we’ll do about the pageant, unless …. (notices MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN, MRS. HEAD, MRS. GALLI, MRS. TYLER, and MRS. FOSSE rushing in together. together. They all start talking at once, asking how the patient is doing.) MRS. TYLER: Oh, Helen!
12 You look terrible! And that outfit isn’t helping. MRS. HEAD: You poor thing! You MRS. FOSSE: And you’re usually so graceful! MRS. GALLI: Was it a faulty step? Maybe the house isn’t built to code! MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Shh! Let’s Let’s not all talk at once.
the potluck supper MRS. TYLER : I’m all about volunteering, you know that. I can help with the and the bazaar, but I don’t know anything about directing directing a pageant. How about… ALL start talking at once, saying each others’ names. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Shh! One at a time! MRS. HEAD: Don’t look at me. Just because I can sew doesn’t doesn’t mean I can manage a pageant.
I’d be happy to make some costumes so you don’t have to use those sheets and stuff. stuff. No need to change that. How about MRS. ARMSTRONG: We always use sheets and stuff. you, Mrs. Lalli? It’s Galli, not Lalli. Anyway, I can’t do it. I can MRS. GALLI: Why does everybody say Lalli? It’s help with the set, but I’m not good with kids. MRS. TYLER: What? You have five five kids! kids! MRS. GALLI: Yeah, but I have to be good with with them. What about you? You’re a drama
quee…I mean, you have experience on stage. with the choreography, choreography, but I’m not MRS. FOSSE: Dancing is my life. Not acting. I can help with running the pageant. (ALL turn to MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN) MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Oh, no. Not me. I’m not good at anything artistic like that. MRS. ARMSTRONG: You’d make a good shusher. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: A what? MRS. ARMSTRONG: A shusher. You shush the kids when they are are making too much noise
and not paying attention. I guess that leaves you, Mrs. Clark.
13 I’ve got company all Christmas week … MRS. CLARK : You know I’ll help with the choir, but I’ve I’ll sell sell tickets or something. Oh, right. It’s It’s free. I’ll help Mrs. McCarthy McCarthy bake applesauce cake. How about asking Grace? ALL: Grace! MRS. CLARK: Here, I have her number. number. You can call her right now. now.
Lights up on Bradley home as MRS. ARMSTRONG telephones and phone rings. rings. MRS. ARMSTRONG: Hello … Grace? GRACE: Oh hello, Mrs. Armstrong. How are you feeling? MRS. ARMSTRONG: Horrible. Look, I’ve asked asked everyone in town and nobody else can do it.
I need you to direct the Christmas pageant. You can do it. You’ve seen it or been in it at least 20 times. I won’t take no for an answer. GRACE: But, can’t someone else do it? Like Mrs. Nally. Nally. MRS. ARMSTRONG: It’s Lalli. MRS. GALLI: It’s Galli, and no. GRACE: What about…? ALL PARENTS: (loudly) loudly) No, we can’t. MRS. TYLER : We have all volunteered to do other things. things. MRS. FOSSE: You must, Grace. You simply must. Christmas will will be ruined otherwise.
Ruined I tell you! Spot off MRS. ARMSTRONG Stage lights up on living room-dining room-dining room. room. GRACE holds phone over mouthpiece with stunned expression. expression. GRACE: Bob… BOB: What? GRACE: I have to to direct the Christmas pageant. BOB: Does this mean I have to go?
14 Spotlight off family. family. Up on MRS. ARMSTRONG, in mid-sentence mid-sentence of yet another telephone directive. anybody’s baby for Jesus … get a quiet one. MRS. ARMSTRONG: And, Grace, don’t use just anybody’s Better yet, get two if you can c an … then if one turns out to be fussy, you can always switch them … Stage lights down. Spot on BETH. BETH: Our Christmas pageant isn’t what you’d call four-star entertainment. Mrs. Armstrong
breaking her leg was the only unexpected thing that ever happened to it. It’s It’s always the same old Christmas story, and the same old carols, and the same old Mary and Joseph … and that’s what my mother was stuck with … that, and Mrs. Armstrong. Spot out on BETH. Up on MRS. ARMSTRONG in hospital bed. She is in the middle of phone conversation. The phone conversation and the family conversation are are to be simultaneous, with the phone conversation to be background. Key parts of MRS. ARMSTRONG’s ARMSTRONG’s conversation are underlined and should be heard. MRS. ARMSTRONG: …tell you again, Grace, how important it is to give everyone a chance.
Here’s Here’s what I do – I always start with Mary and I tell them we must choose our Mary carefully because Mary was the mother of Jesus … Spotlight up on dinner table table scene. BOB and CHARLIE CHARLIE seated. BETH setting table, pouring water, water, etc. GRACE on telephone. telephone. GRACE: I know that, Helen. MRS. ARMSTRONG: Yes, and then I tell them about Joseph, that he was God’s choice to be
Jesus’ father. father. That’s That’s how I explain that. Frankly, I don’t ever spend spend much time on Joseph because it’s always Elmer Hopkins, and he knows all about Mary and Joseph … CHARLIE: I thought Mrs. Armstrong was in traction. traction. How can she talk on the phone if she’s
in traction? traction is? BETH: What do you think traction CHARLIE: Like when they put you to sleep?
(BETH exits to kitchen). BOB: No such luck … Beth, we need salt and pepper … and napkins. BETH Wise Men and the shepherds and how MRS. ARMSTRONG: … but I do explain about the Wise important they are. And I tell them, there are no small parts, parts, only small actors. Remind the angel choir not to stare at the audience, and don’t let them wear earrings ea rrings and things like that.
15 And don’t let them wear clunky shoes or high heels. I just hope you don’t have too many baby angels, Grace, because they’ll be your biggest problem … BOB takes slice of bread, hands the plate to CHARLIE, who takes several slices, and reaches for
the butter. BOB: You will leave some for the rest of us, won’t you, Charlie? CHARLIE: I’m hungry. Leroy Herdman stole my lunch again. BOB: How can you let him do that to you, day after after day? CHARLIE: How can I stop him? Where’s Where’s the chicken? BOB: (to GRACE) Grace, GRACE) Grace, where’s the chicken? GRACE: (hand over phone) It’s still in the oven. CHARLIE: I’ll go help Beth get it.
This leaves BOB alone at the table, as MRS. ARMSTRONG drones on in the background. background. He is obviously disgruntled about this situation and after a mome nt he gets up, takes hat and coat from rack at the door, and exits out the door. MRS. ARMSTRONG: You’ll have to get someone to push the baby angels on, otherwise they
get in each other’s way and bend their wings. Bob could do that, and he could keep an eye on the shepherds too.… (doorbell rings). GRACE: Someone at my door, door, Helen. I’ll be right back. (hangs up, doorbell rings again,
starts towards towards door, door, calling). Yes, yes, I’m coming. coming . BOB: (in doorway) Lady, can you give me some supper? I haven’t had a square meal in in three
days. heaven’s sake, it’s it’s you! GRACE: Oh, for heaven’s in) I was very lonely at the table. BOB: (coming in) I table) Well, ell, I guess Helen feels lonely at the hospital. GRACE: (as they move to table) W are working. (BETH and CHARLIE enter with food). BOB: Not as long as the telephones are told you about no small parts, only small actors. CHARLIE: I’ll bet she told BETH: And getting someone to shove the baby angels on, and make the shepherds shut up.
16 sugges ted your father. GRACE: Yes, she suggested BOB: Does that mean I have to go?
June Kearns to help with the rehearsals. She’s very GRACE: Yes, it does. But I think I’ll ask June organized. BOB: Maybe a little too organized. organized. CHARLIE: I hear she stores all her canned food in alphabetical order!
Spotlight off family. family. Up on MRS. ARMSTRONG, in mid-sentence mid-sentence of yet another telephone directive. MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, another thing thing about the angel choir. choir. Don’t let them wear lipstick.
They think because it’s a play, they have to get themselves all made up like they’re on Broadway... Lights go down on MRS. ARMSTRONG as she speaks. CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES once stage is cleared of hospital bed, table, etc.
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SCENE 3 CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSED. Lights up as several children enter from from stage right and hopscotch across across front of stage and stop in the middle. LISA: Did you hear about Mrs. Armstrong? JENNY: Yeah, she broke her leg in two places! places! MAUREEN: Two places? You mean, like at Macy’s Macy’s and the A&P? LISA: No, like here and here ( pointing pointing to two spots on leg ) JENNY: I hear she broke it falling on the escalator at Sears Roebuck.
rush that she got on the wrong wrong one. MAUREEN: Probably was in such a rush LISA: That’s right. (acts out walking up a down escalator) She escalator) She didn’t notice that everyone else
was going in the other direction. direction. She was on that thing for half an hour. hour. Hey, we’d better hurry or we’ll be late to school. And if we don’t hurry, hurry, we’ll run into JENNY: Hey, the Herdmans! MAUREEN: (adjusting pants) Y pants) Yeah, eah, I don’t want to start the day with another wedgie!
Children exit stage left. Spotlight on BETH, downstage left. BETH: My mother didn’t pay much attention to Mrs. Armstrong. She said Mrs. Armstrong was
stuck in the hospital with nothing to do but think up problems, and there weren’t going to be any problems. Of course, Mother didn’t count on the Herdmans. That was Charlie’s Charlie’s fault. fault. Spotlight off BETH, up on LEROY L EROY HERDMAN and CHARLIE, entering stage right. CHARLIE: Hey, Leroy, Leroy, you give me back ba ck my lunch! LEROY: Sure, kid, here. (hands him a lunch bag) CHARLIE: (looks inside) Y inside) You ou stole my dessert again! LEROY: How do you know? CHARLIE: Because it isn’t here. LEROY: What was it? CHARLIE: Two Twinkies.
18 LEROY: That’s right! That’s what it was. (starts to leave)
Hey, Leroy! You You think it’s so great to steal my dessert every day and you know CHARLIE: Hey, what? I don’t care if you steal my dessert. I get all the dessert I want in Sunday school. this) Oh, yeah? What kind of dessert? LEROY: (interested in this) Oh, CHARLIE: All kinds. Chocolate cake and candy bars and cookies … and Twinkies Twinkies and Big
Wheels. We get refreshments all the time, all we want. LEROY: You’re You’re a liar. lia r. CHARLIE: … and ice cream, and doughnuts and cupcakes and … LEROY: Who gives it to you? CHARLIE: (momentarily stumped) Uh stumped) Uh … the minister. LEROY: Why? Is he crazy? CHARLIE: No … I think he’s rich.
(pause) …Sunday school, huh? LEROY: (pause) …Sunday Boys exit stage left. Spotlight up on BETH. to tell Herdmans … and, sure sure enough, the very next Sunday BETH: That was the wrong thing to there they were in Sunday school, just in time to hear about abou t the Christmas pageant … Spotlight off BETH, up on ALICE and IMOGENE, entering stage right. IMOGENE: What’s What’s a pageant? ALICE: It’s a play. IMOGENE: Like on TV? What’s What’s it about? ALICE: It’s about Jesus. IMOGENE: (visibly disenchanted about Sunday school) Everything school) Everything here is. ALICE: And it’s about Mary. Mostly, it’s about Mary. IMOGENE: Who’s Mary? ALICE: I am … Well, probably Well, probably I I am. I know the part.
19 ALICE walks off stage left. IMOGENE watches her go, then looks out at the audience, wearing a Cheshire-cat smile. Spotlight off IMOGENE.
SCENE 4 CURTAIN CURTAIN OPENS on church setting. MRS. CLARK and a bunch of choir members are at the front while rehearsal rehearsal kids are straggling straggling in behind them. JUNE KEARNS, clipboard in hand, grows impatient with with the song and takes over for MRS. CLARK, rushing the choir through the second verse and then chasing them off stage. MRS. CLARK: OK, choir, just one more song before we finish. CHOIR: He’s got the whole world in His hands, he’s got the whole wide world in his hands,
he’s got the whole world in his hands, he’s got the whole world in his hands. He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands, He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands, He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands, he’s he’s got the whole world in in his hands. (CHOIR runs off stage left ) GRACE: Come on, Beth … Charlie, you and David come. (she leads the reluctant CHARLIE to
a seat) Hello, Mrs. Mrs. Flitterwochen. Flitterwochen. Are you here to help? Armstrong sent me here to be your shusher. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Yes, Mrs. Armstrong GRACE: A shusher? shushe r? Um, okay.
MADELINE is on floor, floor, drawing on paper with a large pencil. MADELINE: I’ll be right there. Gotta finish finish my picture. CINDY: What are you making? MADELINE: I’m drawing a picture of God. CINDY: But nobody knows what God looks like. MADELINE: Well, they will in a minute!
others) Come on, you two. Now, this GRACE: (directing MADELINE and CINDY to join the others) Come won’t take very long if you all settle down … MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Shh. Settle down, children. (to GRACE) See?
20 Mrs. Flitterwochen. Children, today we’re going to decide who who will play GRACE: Thank you, Mrs. the main roles in our Christmas pageant, but of course everyone will have an important part to play. You know what Mrs. Armstrong Armstrong always tells you – there are no small parts, only small actors. Isn’t that what Mrs. Armstrong always says? That’s what she always says, but she never says what it it means. ELMER : That’s GRACE: Don’t you know what it means?
row of the MAXINE: I know what it means. It means that the short kids have to be in the front row angel choir or nobody can see them. exactly. It really means that the littlest baby angel is is just as important important as GRACE: Well, not exactly. Mary. ALICE: (full of herself) I don’t think anyone is as important as Mary.
what you think, think, Alice. I think Jesus is more important. BETH: Well, naturally that’s what you MAXINE: I still think it means short kids have to be in the front row … MRS FLITTERWOCHEN: Shhh. Listen to your director director now. now. GRACE: Everyone is important—Mary, important—Mary, Jesus, and the short kids. Now, Now, is everyone here? JUNE: Judy, Judy, will you just step out in the hall and see if anyone else is coming?
ma’am. (JUDY exits.) JUDY: Yes, ma’am. (JUDY ou r angels, so please remind your mothers that you’ll GRACE: Now you little children will be our need bedsheets … remember, it should be JUNE: Yes, I’ll be sending a mimeograph home with all the details. Just remember, a twin or full size sheet, white or off-white but not ivory, eggshell, or beige … 100 percent cotton, preferably a thread count of 500 or higher … As she talks, the HERDMANS enter, enter, with GLADYS bringing up the rear, rear, having dispatched JUDY. JUDY. Other children begin to murmur, murmur, wiggle around, poke each other, other, point at the HERDMANS. GRACE: People in the angel choir will need bedsheets, too, and if any of you have old
bathrobes at home— JUNE: I have a page about bathrobes, too …
21 stops.) … Now, what’s the GRACE: —you can just ask … (aware of the rising clamor, she stops.) … matter? As GRACE turns and sees the HERDMANS, they move in. RALPH and LEROY shove their way onto a bench, causing a ripple of movement there. GLADYS does the same on another bench. IMOGENE, CLAUDIA, and OLLIE start across across the stage to do likewise. let’s make some room there, for the Herdmans. (A lot of room is made, like the GRACE: Well, let’s parting of the Red Sea, and the HERDMANS occupy their space.) Now, what happened to Judy? JUNE: Now, think she went home. I think she she got sick. GLADYS: I think JUNE: Did she say she was sick? GLADYS: She just left. All I did was, I just said, “Hi, Judy,” Judy,” … and she just left. left. GRACE: I see. Well, will someone please tell tell her about the rehearsals? The next four four
Wednesdays, after school. Plan to be here for every one. ELMER : What if we get sick? ELLIE MAE: I think I have the sniffles. sniffles. ( sniff sniff ) RICHIE: I could get the flu. MIKEY: My neighbor told me to break my leg.
(Kids start talking at once) MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Shhh. Break a leg means good luck. GRACE: You won’t get sick. Of course, Mary and Joseph must absolutely come to every
rehearsal … ELMER : What if they get sick? GRACE: They won’t get sick sick either, Elmer. Elmer. ELMER : Well, Well, Judy got sick and we didn’t even start yet. GRACE: We don’t know that Judy Judy got sick. Now, Now, I want you to think about Mary … We We all
know what kind of person Mary was. She was quiet and gentle and kind, and the person person who plays Mary should try to be that kind of person. Who would like to volunteer for that part?
22 Everyone looks at ALICE, but it is IMOGENE who raises her hand. GRACE: Do you have a question, Imogene? IMOGENE: No, I want to be Mary … and Ralph, over there, he wants to be Joseph. RALPH: I do? Yeh, right.
Well … well, I’ll just ask Mrs. Mrs. Kearns to make a list of volunteers for these parts GRACE: Oh. Well and then we’ll all decide who it should be. (JUNE writes on her clipboard) Ralph clipboard) Ralph Herdman. Now, Now, who else would like to be Joseph? … Did you raise your hand, Elmer? ELMER : No. GRACE: Just raise your hands, please, please, any volunteers … any of you shepherds? shepherds? (Her eye falls
on CHARLIE, who makes every effort to seem invisible). Very well … Ralph Ra lph Herdman will be our Joseph. Now, Now, Imogene has volunteered to be …(pause, … (pause, as if she can hardly bear to connect IMOGENE with MARY ) …Mary. …Mary. Mrs. Kearns, please write that down … What other names can I put on my list? Noreen? …. Lucille? JUNE: … Janet? … Roberta? … Noreen? MRS FLITTERWOCHEN: Sure, now everyone is quiet. GRACE: Alice, don’t you want to volunteer? ALICE: (choking it out) No, out) No, I don’t want to. GLADYS: I’ll be Mary! IMOGENE: Shut up, Gladys. MRS: FLITTERWOCHEN: Don’t say shut up. Say shhhh.
Mary. Gladys, you be a Wise Wise Man. IMOGENE: I’m already Mary. GRACE: Well, the Wise Wise Men are usually boys. JUNE: Of course, they don’t have to to be, and we could … LEROY: I’ll be a Wise Man! OLLIE: Me, too. Claudia, you wanta be a W Wise ise Man? They say girls can play Wise Men.
Raise your hand.
23 CLAUDIA: What’s a Wise Man? RALPH: Just raise your hand and sit down! (CLAUDIA raises her hand.) GLADYS: What’s left to be? IMOGENE: Some angel. GLADYS: I’ll be that. What is it?
It’s the Angel Angel of the Lord, who brought the good news to the shepherds. (There is a GRACE: It’s flurry of raised hands among the shepherds.) MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: There, you do have some some volunteers after all! HOBIE: (raising his hand ) Excuse me. JUNE: Hobie, would you like to be a Wise Man? HOBIE: No, I just wanted to say I can’t be a shepherd. shepherd. We’re going to Philadelphia. JUNE: Why didn’t you say so so before? HOBIE: I just remembered. DAVID: My mother doesn’t doesn’t want me to be a shepherd. shepherd. GRACE: Why not? DAVID: I don’t know. She just said, don’t be a shepherd. shepherd.
shepherd! CHARLIE: I’m not going to be a shepherd! from pageant director to exasperated parent) Oh, parent) Oh, yes, you are! GRACE: (reverting from ELMER : I don’t want to to be a shepherd … Gladys Herdman hits too hard! GRACE: Why, Why, Gladys isn’t going to hit anybody! The Angel Angel of the Lord just visits visits the
shepherds in the fields and tells them Jesus is born. ELMER : And hits them! JUDY: I can't be in the play, Mrs. Mrs. Bradley. Bradley. The hay in the manger gives me allergies. JUNE: ( stepping stepping in) in) You'll be just fine. KEITH: I can't be a shepherd because the dog ate my Dad's robe so I won't have a costume.
24 JUNE: I'm sure we can find something for you. MARK: I can't stay because I've got.....homework......I mean surgery.......Rabies!
yo ur mind. JUNE: Well then you can sit there until you make up your DANA: I can't be in the play either. JUNE (becoming more sweetly sarcastic): You can't? Why ever not?
(all kids nearby move away) away) DANA: I think I might have chicken pox. (all in the play either! either! My science project got MAUREEN: Mrs. Bradley! Mrs. Bradley! I can't be in loose and demolished part of the neighborhood. Now the police want to talk to me. ANNIE: Mrs. Bradley, the doctor says I have temporary amnesia and....….something else. BRENDA: I have to shampoo my cat. BILLY: We're We're moving to Australia. DONNA: My mom washes her socks on Tuesdays so I can't b e in the play. GRACE: The play is on Wednesday, dear. DONNA: Oh.........Mrs. Bradley? GRACE: Yes? DONNA: Wednesday Wednesday is the day she dries them.
What’s the matter with all of you? I don’t want to hear another GRACE: This is just ridiculous. What’s word from anyone. Nobody may quit … or get sick. Now that’s that’s all for today, today, boys and girls, you can go … (There is a scramble for the door, door, GRACE calls after them BETH and ALICE move downstage. ) … but I expect to see everyone here on Wednesday at 6:30! MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Please form a single line line and leave in an orderly fashion. JUNE: (following after the children with a stack of handouts) Wait for your mimeographs! And
tell your parents I will be calling them about helping us out. We’ll need sewing, props, painting —and maybe a policeman and a nurse! CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES. CLOSES .
25 ALICE’s arm.) Alice, what’s what’s wrong with you? Why in GRACE: (moves downstage and takes ALICE’s the world didn’t you raise your hand? know. ALICE: (miserably) I don’t know. GRACE: You don’t know! Alice, I expected you …
Sounds of a scuffle scuffle offstage; yells - ouch! Cut it out! Let go! Let me go! MAXINE: (offstage) offstage) Mrs. Bradley! Get Gladys offa offa me! GRACE: … to volunteer. Don’t you want to be Mary? MAXINE: Mrs. Bradley! (GRACE exits, with an exasperated look at ALICE.) BETH: Oh, come on, Alice, (mimicking her) I her) I don’t know!
didn’t dare raise my my hand. Imogene would have killed me! She said, “I’m going to ALICE: I didn’t be Mary in this play and if you open your mouth or raise our hand you’ll wish you didn’t.” And I said, “I’m always Mary in the Christmas pageant.” And she said, “go ahead then, and next spring when the pussywillows come out I’ll stick a pussywillow so far do wn your ear that nobody can reach it … and it’ll sprout there and grow and grow, grow, and you’ll spend the rest of your life with a pussywillow bush growing out of your ear! wouldn’t do that! BETH: But you know she wouldn’t ALICE: She would too! Herdmans do anything. You just watch, they’ll do something terrible
and ruin the whole pageant page ant … and it’s allyour mother’s fault! At the end of the conversation they move off.
26
SCENE 5 CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSED until u ntil TV is in place, then PARTLY OPENED. PARENTS PARENTS meet front of curtain. choir. Those juvenile MRS. CLARK : That’s right—I saw it right as I was leaving with the choir. delinquents showed up!… MRS. TYLER : Well, it must be Grace’s Grace’s fault somehow! How else would the six of them end
up in a Christmas pageant, when they ought to be in jail! MRS. SLOCUM: Imogene Herdman is going to be Mary in the Christmas pageant!
I’d rather live next door to a zoo. Has Grace MRS. TYLER : I live next door to that outfit and I’d gone crazy? MRS. CLARK : I hope nobody tells poor Mrs. Armstrong. She’ll hobble her way back to the
pageant. MRS. SLOCUM: We can’t have that.
programs at the door? Grace said we MRS. TYLER : I said, why don’t you let them hand out programs never have programs for the pageant, but I said … service and hide the MRS. SLOCUM: … better nail down the church and lock up the silver service collection plates before they clean them out … MRS. CLARK : What was the matter with Grace? Grace? Couldn’t she have sent them away? Tell
them to go home. (MRS ARMSTRONG’ ARMSTRONG ’s room. room. MARYANN, NANCY, NANCY, and DARLENE enter) KIDS: Hi, Mrs. Armstrong! How’re you feeling?
fine. I’m just about to watch some television. television. Let’s Let’s MRS ARMSTRONG: Hello, children. I’m fine. see what’s on … KIDS: Ooh, Batman!
(TV screen) BATGIRL (MRS. CLAUSING): No need to change clothes, Penguin. They’ll issue you a nice
black and white wardrobe where you’re going.
27 ): Come on my minions, fight her! Bridle that filly. filly. PENGUIN (ELMER ): (Four people with “Minions” shirts come out and start circling BATGIRL while PENGUIN watches) We’ve got this, boss. MINIONS: We’ve MINION 1 (BILLY): Where are the other bats? MINION 2 (MIKEY): Nice cape, Batgirl. Let me try it on. MINION 3 (BOBBY): Lost your Batman, Batgirl? MINION 4 (PETER): I wonder where the Boy Wonder Wonder went…
(BATMAN and ROBIN arrive and all stop) ROBIN (HOBIE): Holy henchmen, Batman! BATMAN (REV. HOPKINS): Your odds haven’t been too good, Batgirl. Batgirl. Five people against
one is ridiculous. bother. BATGIRL: Oh, I’m enjoying this. Don’t bother. Let’s go, henchman. These three are so pathetic, they have to wear a mask. I’m a PENGUIN: Let’s real freak! from Batman that easy! ROBIN: You can’t get away from BATMAN: Easily. ROBIN: Easily. BATMAN: Good grammar is essential. essential.
Fight scene with signs “BAM” “SPLAT”. Lights down on TV scene when MRS. ARMSTRONG speaks. MRS. ARMSTRONG: Turn that off, off, Nancy. Nancy. How was rehearsal today? MARYANN: You won’t believe it! The Herdmans are in the play. play. NANCY: All six of them!
28 DARLENE: Imogene is going to be Mary!
from? Who let them in? in? Imogene Herdman! … MRS. ARMSTRONG: Where did they come from? What kind of a child is that, to be Mary the Mother of Jesus? is going to be Joseph. Joseph. MARYANN: Ralph Herdman is DARLENE: They’ll probably steal the gold, Frankenstein and fur. fur. NANCY: Myrrh, not fur. fur. MRS. ARMSTRONG: Where was the Reverend Hopkins, I’d like to know. DARLENE: I think he was visiting shut-ups. shut-ups. NANCY: Shut-ins! They’re called shut-ins. DARLENE: What’s a shut-in? MRS. ARMSTRONG: Me! I’m a shut-in, shut-in, stuck in this house. I’m I’m shut-in, and he wasn’t wasn’t
visiting me! MARYANN: Everyone is afraid. Nobody wants to be a shepherd or anything. MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, I feel responsible. If I’d been up and around this never would have
happened. Lights down. KIDS and MRS. ARMSTRONG exit. CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES. CLOSES .
29
SCENE 6 CLOSED CURTAIN. CURTAIN. Lights up as GRACE, CHARLIE, and BOB enter from from stage right. BOB is carrying two grocery bags, GRACE one bag, and CHARLIE one bag, and we can assume that some good friend in the grocery store store has relayed MRS. ARMSTRONG’s ARMSTRONG’s message. ARMSTRONG) … if I’d been up and around, this GRACE: (in high dudgeon, mimicking MRS. ARMSTRONG) … never would have happened! Well, let me tell you … BOB: Don’t tell me, I’m on your side … the car’s over there. GRACE: Helen Armstrong is not the only woman woman alive who can run a Christmas Christmas pageant! I
made up my mind just to do the best I could under the circumstances, but now I’m going to make this the best Christmas pageant ever, ever, and I’m going to do it with the Herdmans! After all, they raised their hands and nobody else did, and I don’t care … BOB: Good for you, Grace. (trying to move her along) The car’s over here … GRACE: And you’re going to help me! BOB: (stopped by this) Does this) Does that mean … GRACE: You have to go!
GRACE walks off stage left. left. CHARLIE joins BOB at center stage. CHARLIE: Dad, are you mad that you have to do the play? BOB: No, not really, really, Charlie. I just like to tease your Mom. I mean I'd I'd actually rather not do it,
but Mom needs our help, so I'm glad to give her a hand. CHARLIE: But why are you glad if you don't want to do it? BOB: I'm proud of your mom for taking on this project even though she'd rather not, so I'll help
her in any way that I can. she just quit? The Herdmans are going to ruin it! CHARLIE: Why doesn't she You shouldn't just quit something because it might be hard. Life is full of challenges, and BOB: You if you do your best to rise up and face those challenges, c hallenges, things usually turn out OK. Besides, the Herdmans aren't that bad. Heck, your Uncle Charlie went and took on the Nazis and he was only 18 years old. CHARLIE: What if it doesn't, though?
30 BOB: If you do your best, and something doesn't turn out right, then nobody can blame you, but
if you just quit, you'll never figure out just how much you can actually do. yo u get to be so smart? CHARLIE: I guess so. Dad, how’d you from watching Leave it to Beaver. Let’s Let’s go, son. BOB: Mostly from BOB and CHARLIE exit left.
31
SCENE 7 CURTAIN CURTAIN OPENS on Church setting with kids sitting on the benches and on the floor, floor, playing games. A few kids wander toward toward front of stage. PATTY: Break time’s almost over. I don't want to do the Christmas Pageant, why don't we do
something else this year? DONNA: Like what? PATTY: I don't know. MARYANN: I know! We could do a play about a little boy who wants to get a BB gun for
Christmas, but nobody will let him! DEBBY: I heard that story on the radio the other night! PATTY: On the radio? DEBBY: Yeah! Yeah! You know, that guy that talks on the radio on Sunday nights and tells stories.
You mean Alan Shepherd. CATHY: You MARYANN: Not Alan Alan Shepherd, Jean Shepherd. DONNA: He's a shepherd? Like with the ones in our play? DEBBY: No silly, silly, Shepherd is his last name. MARYANN: Yeah, Yeah, he wants this BB gun, see? So he can shoot bandits and bears at the candy
store. DONNA: Why would a man on the radio want a BB gun to shoot bears and bandits at the candy
store? DEBBY: No. He was telling a story story about when he was a little little boy. boy. PATTY: They have bears at the candy store? DEBBY: Not now, back in the olden days. MARYANN: Right, so he keeps asking everybody for a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas, like
his teacher and his mom.... DEBBY: And Santa Claus.
32 MARYANN: And Santa Claus, but they all say the same thing. MARYANN MARYANN and DEBBY: (in unison) You'll shoot your eye out! CATHY: Did he get the gun? MARYANN: Yeah Yeah..
Yeah! And he shoots his eye out! DEBBY: Yeah! (they walk back while next ne xt group moves forward ) PATTY: Ewww, gross! (they time): Coooool! CATHY (at same time): PATTY: He really shot his eye out? Did they show it? DEBBY: They couldn't show it, it was on the radio! And he only sort of shot his eye out.
Yeah, the BB bounced off something and hit his cheek and broke b roke his glasses. MARYANN: Yeah, CATHY: (looking dejected) Awwwwww. dejected) Awwwwww. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: OK, children, we’re about to start again.
This group disperses as next group walks forward forward and comes into place. place . CINDY: When is this rehearsal over?
hour, I think. JENNY: Another hour, LISA: We have to be home by 8:00 tonight. JENNY: Yes! Yes! Rudolph is on! That’s That’s my favorite Christmas story. story. I wish it was on more than
once a year. y ear. MARIE: I wish we were doing that instead instead of this pageant. CINDY: I like the part where Rudolph flies. flies. JENNY: Yeah, Yeah, all because he has a crush on a girl reindeer. Just like Lisa has a crush on Leroy
Herdman. LISA: I do not! SHIRLEY: (sounding like Rudolph) Lisa, after practice, would you walk home with me? MARIE: (as Clarice) Uh-huh. Leroy? I think you’re cute.
33 thinks I’m cuuute! SHIRLEY: (prancing and jumping) I’m cuuuuuute! I’m cuuuuuuute! She thinks LISA: Knock it off. Very funny.
is my my favorite. favorite. JENNY: Hermey is LISA: An elf who wants to be a dentist.
He’s just misunderstood. Elf practice is probably as bad as pageant practice. CINDY: He’s ea rs, chuckle warmly, go “Hee-Hee” and “HoJENNY: (as head elf) Learn how to wiggle your ears, Ho” and important stuff like that. MARIE: You think studying to be a dentist dentist would be better? Molars and bicuspids and incisors. incisors. ALL: Oh my.
Yukon Cornelius. Looking for gold in the snow. LISA: I like Yukon SHIRLEY: (as Yukon) This fog’s as thick as peanut butter! bu tter! CINDY: You mean pea soup. SHIRLEY: You eat what you like, and I’ll eat what I like. JENNY: (pretends to throw pick in ice and then tastes) Nothin’.
(MRS FLITTERWOCHEN approaches, speaks and leaves) MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Shh. Children. Pay attention. Get back to the rehearsal.
Isle of Misfit, Misfit, um, actors. actors. LISA: Back to the Isle MARIE: Dealing with those Herdmans is more like battling the Abominable Snow Monster. JENNY: Push ‘em off the cliff! CINDY: Too Too bad we can’t push the the Herdmans off a snow cliff. But they’d be okay, okay, because.. ALL: Bumbles bounce!
GRACE and JUNE are setting up the scene. scene. offstage … and at exactly 10:45, the shepherds come in and gather JUNE: The inn is back here, offstage around the manger … tallest to smallest going toward the manger, seven on the left, seven on the right.
34 the shepherds come from, from, anyway? LEROY: Where’d all the CLAUDIA: What’s an inn?
It’s like a motel, where people go to spend the night. ELMER : It’s CLAUDIA: What people? Jesus?
wasn’t even born yet, Mary and Joseph went there. ALICE: Oh, honestly! Jesus wasn’t RALPH: Why? ELMER : To pay their taxes. OLLIE: At a motel? MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Shhh! Quiet down, everyone. IMOGENE: Shut up Ollie! Everybody shut up! I want to hear her. (to GRACE) Begin at the
beginning. GRACE: The beginning? IMOGENE: The beginning of the play. play. What happened first? GRACE: Imogene, this is the Christmas Christmas story from the Bible … Haven’t you ever heard the
Christmas story from the Bible? (pause, as she realized that they have not) Well, that’s what this Christmas pageant is, so I’d better have Mrs. Kearns read it to you. (There is a chorus of groans and grumbles from all the kids as JUNE looks for a Bible on the benches and finds one.) BETH: I don’t believe that, do you? That they never heard the Christmas story? story? ALICE: Why not? They don’t even know what a Bible Bible is, and they never went to church in their
whole life, till your dumb brother told them we got refreshments. Now we have to waste all this time for nothing. JUNE: All right now. (finds the place and starts to read) There went out a decree from from Caesar
Augustus, that all the world should be taxed … (all the kids are visibly bored and itchy, except the Herdmans, who listen with the puzzled but determined concentration of people trying to make sense of a foreign language.) … and Joseph went up from Galilee with Mary his wife, being great with child … RALPH: (Not trying to shock, but pleased that he understands something.) something.) Pregnant! She was
pregnant! (There is much giggling and tittering.)
35 now, that’s that’s enough. We all know that Mary was pregnant. (JUNE continues GRACE: All right now, to read , under the BETH – ALICE dialogue.) JUNE … And it came to pass, while they were there, that the days were accomplished that she
should be delivered, and she brought forth her firstborn son … ALICE: (to BETH) I don’t think it’ it’ss very nice to say Mary was pregnant. BETH: Well, she was. ALICE: I don’t think your mother should say Mary was pregnant. It’s It’s better to to say ‘great with
child,’ I’m not supposed to talk about people being pregnant, especially in church. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Beth, Alice. Close your lips and open your ears.
(reading) … and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger, because JUNE: (reading) … there was no room for them in the inn. IMOGENE: My gosh! They didn’t have room for Jesus? Jesus? GRACE: Well, nobody knew the baby was going to be Jesus. IMOGENE: Didn’t Mary know? (points to Ralph) Ralph) Didn’t he know? What was was the matter with
Joseph, that he didn’t tell them? Her pregnant and everything … LEROY: What’s What’s a manger? Some kind of bed? GRACE: Well, they didn’t have a bed in the barn, so Mary had to use whatever there was. JUNE: What would you do if you had a new baby and no bed to put the baby in?
drawer. IMOGENE: We put Gladys in a bureau drawer. aback) Well, ell, there you are. You didn’t have a bed for Gladys, so you had to GRACE: (taken aback) W use … something else. RALPH: Oh, we had a bed. Only Claudia was still in it and she wouldn’t get out. She didn’t
like Gladys. (yells at CLAUDIA) Remember how you didn’t like like Gladys? ALICE) That was pretty smart of Claudia, not to like Gladys right off the bat. BETH: (to ALICE) That JUNE: Anyway … a manger is a large wooden feeding trough for animals. CLAUDIA: What were the wadded up clothes?
36 GRACE: The what? CLAUDIA: (pointing to the Bible) It said in there … she wrapped him in wadded up clothes.
tightly in big pieces of GRACE: Swaddling clothes. People used to wrap babies up very tightly material, to make them feel cozy … IMOGENE: You mean they tied him up and put him in a feedbox? Where was the Child
Welfare? GLADYS: The Child Welfare’ Welfare’ss at our house every five minutes! ALICE: There wasn’t any Child Welfare in Bethlehem! IMOGENE: I’ll say there wasn’t! MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: (clutching her heart in exasperation) Children, please. Child
welfare? voice) … And there were shepherds, keeping watch over their flocks b y JUNE: (raising her voice) … night. And lo, the Angel of the Lord came upon them, and the Glory of— GLADYS: (leaps up, flinging her arms out) Shazam! GRACE: What? GLADYS: Out of the black night, with horrible vengeance, the Mighty Marvo … GRACE: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gladys. GLADYS: The Mighty Marvo, in Amazing Comics … Out of the black night, with horrible
vengeance … GRACE: This is the angel of the Lord, who comes to the shepherds … GLADYS: Out of nowhere, right? In the black night, right? GRACE: Well … in a way … (GLADYS repeats her big line, almost to herself, as she sits
down, looking pleased.) GLADYS: Shazam! JUNE: (reading) Now (reading) Now when Jesus was born, there came Wise Men from the East, bearing gifts
of gold and frankincense …
37 OLLIE) What’s that? CLAUDIA: (to OLLIE) What’s JUNE: … and myrrh … RALPH: And Merv? OLLIE: Who’s that? GRACE: They were … special things. Spices, and precious oils …
kind of a present is oil? oil? We get better presents from from the welfare! IMOGENE: Oil! What kind the welfare? The Wise Wise Men? LEROY: Were they the GRACE: They were kings and they were sent …
it’s about time somebody important showed up! If they’re kings, they can get IMOGENE: Well, it’s the baby out of the barn, and tell the innkeeper where to get off! GRACE: (ignoring this turn of plot) … plot) … They were sent by Herod, who was … well, he was the
main king, and he wanted to find Jesus and have Him put to death. just got born! They’re gonna kill a baby? IMOGENE: My gosh! He just Who’s Herod in this play? RALPH: Who’s list) Herod isn’t in the play. JUNE: (double-checking her list) Herod LEROY: He’s out to to kill the baby, and he isn’t isn’t even in the play? IMOGENE: Well, someone better be Herod. (singles out a victim) Let Charlie be Herod, and
he says, go get me that baby. And they say OK, because he’s a king and all … OLLIE: (warming up to this scenario) But scenario) But then they don’t do it! They go back and get Herod!
(he makes a throttling throttling gesture) CHARLIE: I’m not going to be Herod! GRACE: No one is going to be Herod!
The HERDMANS, caught up in the spirit of things, are ranging over the stage, arguing, shoving other kids out of the way. CHARLIE scrambles over the choir risers, other kids, and his own feet to get to his GRACE. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Hush! Zip it! Shut your yappers!
38 the shepherds together and they go wipe out Herod! (she makes CLAUDIA: No … Joseph gets the a machine gun gesture) it’s going to be me, and I’ll get killed! CHARLIE: See? They’re going to put one in, and it’s GRACE: (desperate) Forget about Herod! There’s no Herod! IMOGENE: And I run away with the baby ‘til the fight’s fight’s over! RALPH: (collaring a stray shepherd by the front of his shirt) Somebody ought to fix the
innkeeper … Gladys, you wipe out the innkeeper! GLADYS: I can’t! I’m an angel! GRACE: OK, rehearsal’s rehea rsal’s over.
(Children exit stage left, saying goodbyes. MRS. LALLI, MRS. HEAD, MRS. FOSSE, MRS. MRS. CLARK, MRS TYLER and MRS SLOCUM enter. enter. Their children stay behind.) everybody. Maryann, I’ll just be a few minutes. We need to do MRS. CLARK : Good job, everybody. make some plans. MARYANN: But Mom, I have homework! NANCY: I’m supposed to meet my friends, remember? MRS. HEAD: Where? NANCY: At the movies. We’re We’re seeing the early showing of Mary Poppins. MRS. HEAD: I agreed to that on a school school night? Hurry and try on that that costume. DONNA: Why do we always have to wait around for our parents? DEBBY: All you do is talk, talk, talk, talk. We’re gonna miss Rudolph! PATTY: Come on. We can run up and down the pews. CATHY: Race you!
(Kids exit running through the audience as REV. REV. HOPKINS walks in from stage left.) MRS. GALLI: I’ve drawn up some plans for the set. It should be simple. We’ll need help with
painting and maybe a little hammering here and there. (pulls out plans and lays on floor)
39 Tuesdays and REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: But not too much hammering, please. We have a Bible study Tuesdays Thursdays. (he leaves, stage left) Nally. That looks complicated. MRS. SLOCUM: I don’t know, Mrs. Nally. It’s Galli. Galli. See, here’s here’s the inn. There’s the stable… stable… MRS. GALLI: It’s MRS. CLARK : Wait, does the inn have two floors? floors? MRS. GALLI: Yes. Two stories. I was going to make it three floors, but that’s that’s another story. story. MRS. MCCARTHY: Do you know how to build that? MRS. FOSSE: If I tried to do that, the kids would fall right through from the the second floor to the
basement. MRS. GALLI: Sure I can. MRS. HEAD: Is that a balcony? With wrought iron railings?
it’s too much? MRS. GALLI: You think it’s MRS. SLOCUM: Maybe a little.
nice. MRS. TYLER : The barn looks nice. make it out of paper MRS. GALLI: I’m thinking we can use the extra church bulletins to make mache. NANCY: (from offstage) Mom, I need some help here. MRS. HEAD: Oh, wait until you see the costume costume I made. (Exits stage left) MRS. FOSSE: I thought they were wearing bed sheets sheets and bathrobes.
(MRS. HEAD and NANCY enter stage stage lef. NANCY is wearing a medieval gown) MRS. HEAD: Isn’t it beautiful? beautiful? Twirl around, Nancy. Nancy. NANCY: So pretty! MRS. SLOCUM: Who is this for? for? MRS. HEAD: Why, for Mary, Mary, of course. course . MRS. CLARK : Since when does Mary wear a medieval gown?
40 MRS. HEAD: I was thinking we could make this into a period piece. MRS. MCCARTHY: Um, the night Jesus was born isn’t the right era for you? MRS. HEAD: Okay, okay. I just thought it would be fun. Go change back into your clothes.
(NANCY exits) choreography. MRS. FOSSE: Perhaps that was a little over the top. I’ve been working on some choreography. Shirley, Shirley, come out and show everyone what we’ve been working on. SHIRLEY: (bounding into position) position) I’m ready. Music!
(MUSIC: Jingle Bell Rock. SHIRLEY does some impressive impressive moves) MRS. FOSSE: Good job, but what happened to the back handsprings? handsprings?
still working on them and the spinning leaps. I have to go. My mom is waiting waiting SHIRLEY: I’m still for me. the kids will be able to to do MRS. TYLER : That was…impressive, but I don’t think many of the some of those moves. MRS. SLOCUM: I don’t think many Broadway dancers could do some of those moves. MRS. GALLI: The music is a little modern. MRS. FOSSE: Okay, I will stick with the classics. I just thought it would be a nice change
from Silent Night. REVEREND HOPKINS: Excuse me, but I found your children children doing the limbo with the
candle holders— Johnny. MRS. McCARTHY: Sounds like my Johnny. this up? REVEREND HOPKINS: —so can you wrap this Let’s go, everyone. We’ll work on it and get back later. later. MRS. GALLI: Let’s CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES. CLOSES . Spotlight on the HERDMANS as they they enter from stage right. BOB enters, listens. wouldn’t just hang around out in the barn. I’d get a room. IMOGENE: Well, I wouldn’t wasn’t any room. room. CLAUDIA: She said there wasn’t
41 it’s the middle IMOGENE: Then I’d throw somebody out. I’d tell them I’ve got this baby and it’s of winter … so either get out or move over. RALPH: I’d go after ol’ Herod. I'd shoot him with my Red Ryder BB rifle!
Herod’s eye out! I’d just send the angel after him. She could just LEROY: You could shoot Herod’s point her electric finger and turn him into a pile of ashes. GLADYS: (happily) Yeah! (happily) Yeah! … Zap! OLLIE: What’s What’s the name of this play? She never said. CLAUDIA: Christmas pageant. OLLIE: That’s no name. That’s what it is. GLADYS: I know a name! I know a name! I’d call it … Revenge at Bethlehem!
As they walk off stage left, BOB approaches audience. moly, what has Grace gotten herself into? Although I gotta admit, Revenge at BOB: Holy moly, Bethlehem sounds like a catchy title. (to (to audience) audience) Now, please enjoy the wonderful wond erful desserts prepared by our Ladies Aide Society in our church hall – what’s what’s that? – oh, I mean, downstairs in the school cafeteria. And don’t forget forget the raffle. What’s What’s a church function without a raffle? We’ll be back in 15 minutes.
INTERMISSION
42
SCENE 8 CURTAIN PARTLY OPEN for TV scene. Back in Mrs Armstrong’ Armstrong’ss house. Lights come up as the end of The Flintstones signoff song plays over the sound system: “…We’ll “…We’ll have a gay old time…Wilma!” MRS. ARMSTRONG: Oh, that Barney Rubble, what an actor! Let’s see what else is on.(clicks on.(clicks
her Wireless Wizard remote control) Lights up on front of stage in front front of TV device. ART is standing, standing, with microphone in hand. SUZIE, ETHAN, BETSY, BETSY, and JIMMY are seated in stools/chairs. stools/chairs. As ART approaches approaches and chats with each one, he kneels by their chair, chair, facing the audience. ART (REV. HOPKINS): Welcome Welcome back to Kids Say the Darnedest Things. I’m your host, Art
Linkletter. Linkletter. Next, let’s let’s talk to Suzie. Suzie, tell me, who’s who’s the boss in your house—Mom or Dad? minute) Both. SUZIE (MARCIA): (thinks for a minute) ART: Oh, you’re a born diplomat. SUZIE: No, I’m a Catholic Baptist.
Ethan. Hello, Ethan. ART: (Makes surprised face) Oh, really? Thanks, Suzie. Next we have Ethan. ETHAN (RICHIE): Hello.
year, is that right? ART: You just started going to school this year, ETHAN: Yes, sir.
what’s the hardest thing about school? ART: And what’s ETHAN: Buttoning my pants. ART: (laughing) OK, (laughing) OK, thanks, Ethan. Now, we have Betsy. Betsy. Betsy, Betsy, what would make a perfect
husband? BETSY (TRIXIE): Well, Well, he would have lots of money, loves horses, would let us have 22 kids
and not put up a fight. ART: That’s nice. And what will you grow up to be? BETSY: A nun.
43 finally we have Penny. Penny. What does your father ART: (looks at audience in mock surprise) OK, finally do around the house? PENNY: He’s a lawyer
That’s outside the house. What does he do at home to help your mother? ART: He’s a lawyer? That’s PENNY:(thinks for a minute…then has the answer) He answer) He makes cocktails. ART: Thanks, Penny. That’s it for this week’s Kids Say the Darnedest Things.
CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES as TV scene is cleared away. Spotlight off TV scene, up on BETH and BOB, stage right. He has newspaper and pipe. BETH: They said Revenge at Bethlehem?! The Herdmans think the Christmas story story came right right
out of the FBI files! BOB: At least they picked out the right villain—it was Herod they wanted to gang up on and not
the baby Jesus. anyway. It was supposed to be Eugene BETH: But Dad, the baby Jesus quit the pageant anyway. Slocum, but Mrs. Slocum said she wasn’t going to let Imogene Herdman get her hands ha nds on him. So we don’t have a baby b aby Jesus, and Mom is really upset. BOB: I’m sure that she and Mrs. Kearns will figure figure out where to get a baby.
It’s already the last rehearsal. BETH: I sure hope so. It’s Spotlight off BETH and BOB. They exit.
44
SCENE 9 CURTAIN CURTAIN OPENS on church scene. Children are are assembling for the rehearsal, rehearsal, in a motley assortment of costumes. JUNE is counting noses, so to speak. BRENDA, then MARIE enter from center aisle. (looking offstage) offstage) Hurry up, we’ll be late for dress rehearsal! BRENDA: (looking MARIE: Coming! (Walks up stairs, with an inflatable sumu suit under a bedsheet ) BRENDA: I still don’t understand who you’re supposed to be. There’s no such person as Round
John Version. MARIE: It says so right in the song—“Round John Version, Version, mother and child…” JUNE: (rushing (rushing over ) I’m going to have to talk to your parents. This bedsheet is not regulation.
BETH and ALICE meet downstage. ALICE is writing in a small notebook. They are, by this time, on somewhat testy terms. BETH: What do you keep writing in that book?
it’s like a diary. ALICE: It’s … it’s reads) It is not. It’s It’s all about the Herdmans. (reads aloud) BETH: (snatches the book and reads) It Imogene curses and swears all the time. Ralph talks about girls. Mrs. Mrs. Bradley … (gives ALICE a fierce look) … look) … Mrs. Bradley called Mary pregnant … (if looks could kill) … kill) … Gladys Herdman drinks communion wine … It isn’t communion wine, it’s it’s grape juice. ALICE: I don’t care what it is, she drinks it. I’ve seen her three times with her mouth all
purple. They steal, too—if you shake the birthday bank it doesn’t make a sound, because they stole all the pennies out of it. And every time you go into the ladies’ room the whole air is blue, and Imogene Herdman is sitting there in the Mary costume, smoking cigars! BETH: (angry) And you wrote all this down? What for?
BETH) For my mother and Reverend Hopkins and the Ladies Aid ALICE: (nose to nose with BETH) For Society and anybody else who wants to know what happened when the whole Christmas pageant turns out to be a big mess! JUNE: All right, everyone, let’s let’s get quiet. Beth, will you and Alice please come up here so we we
can get started?
45 GRACE: Now, this is our last rehearsal, and we’re going to …
MRS. McCARTHY enters in apron, carrying a baking pan. MRS. McCARTHY: Grace, I just wanted to tell you that we’re all back in the kitchen making
applesauce cake. We’ll try not to bother you … I guess this is your dress rehearsal. rehearsal. GRACE: (glances at the uncostumed crowd) It’s It’s supposed to be …
JUNE sweeps in. JUNE: Oh, Edna … didn’t I hear that your niece had a baby a month or so ago? A little girl? MRS. McCARTHY: (pleased and proud) Yes! She’s five weeks old, and— JUNE: Well, I wonder how it would be if I were to call your niece and ask if we could borrow
(MRS. McCARTHY, McCARTHY, seeing the lay of the land and not liking it, jumps in.) baby’s sick or MRS. McCARTHY: June … no! I could make up some lie and tell you that the baby’s colicky or something, but the truth is that she’s perfectly healthy and happy and beautiful, and we all want her to stay stay that way. way. So we’re certainly not going to to hand her over to Imogene Herdman. Sorry, Sorry, June. Sorry, Sorry, Grace. (MRS. McCARTHY leaves.) DAVID: Mrs. Bradley, Bradley, you can have my little brother for Jesus. GRACE: (newly hopeful) I hopeful) I didn’t know you had a new baby, David.
new. He’s He’s four years old, but he’s double-jointed and he could probably DAVID: He’s not new. scrunch up. JUNE takes this seriously, seriously, but GRACE does not. GRACE: Well, I don’t think …
baby. IMOGENE: I’ll get us a baby. JUNE: How can you do that? IMOGENE: There’s There’s always two or three babies in carriages outside outside the supermarket. I’ll get
one of them. walk off with somebody’s somebody’s baby! … I guess we’ll we’ll forget GRACE: Imogene! You can’t just walk about a baby. baby. We’ll just use the doll. IMOGENE: Yeah. That’s better, anyway … a doll can’t bite you.
46 didn’t wear earrings. GRACE: And, Imogene … you know Mary didn’t wear these. I got my ears pierced and if if I don’t don’t keep something in them, IMOGENE: I have to wear they’ll grow together. grow together in an hour and a half. What did the doctor tell you to GRACE: Well, they won’t grow do? IMOGENE: What doctor? JUNE: Well, who pierced your ears? IMOGENE: Gladys. ALICE: (to BETH) She BETH) She probably did it with with an ice pick. I’ll bet Imogene’s Imogene’s ears turn black and
blue and fall off. something smaller … Now, Now, is that your costume? costume? Is that what you’re GRACE: Well, we’ll find something going to wear? JUNE: (to the whole group) You’re all supposed to have your costumes on today. today. It was on
Page 3, paragraph 5 of the mimeograph I gave all your parents. BABY ANGEL GINGER : I can’t can’t find my halo. BABY ANGEL JUANIT JUANI TA: My wings got all bent. BABY ANGEL DORIS: Janet’s got my bedsheet. BABY ANGEL BARBARA: My mother doesn’t have any white sheets. Can I wear a sheet
with balloons on it? costume. I was never a shepherd shepherd before. HOBIE: I haven’t got any costume. father’s bathrobe. That’s That’s what I have to do. CHARLIE: You have to wear your father’s HOBIE: He hasn’t hasn’t got a bathrobe. CHARLIE: What does he hang around the house in? in? HOBIE: His underwear. GRACE: All right … pretend you’re wearing costumes. DAVID: Are we going through through the whole thing?
47 groans) … but first we’re going to practice GRACE: Yes, of course … (she hears mutters and groans) … just the entrances, so all of you go where you’re supposed to be, and we’ll start with the shepherds. MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Come on, everyone. Quietly go to your places. LISA: ( stepping forward with JENNY ) My family went to see a play about Christmas last week.
It was a murder mystery, mystery, I think. JENNY: Really? What was it?
Christmas carols. I think it was by Charles Dixon. And the first first thing thing LISA: Something about Christmas the narrator told us what that some guy was dead! (inserting himself in the conversation) conversation) Oh, I know that story. story. A bunch of ghosts keep LEROY: (inserting waking up the mean guy and showin’ him how rotten he was and how nobo dy wanted him to come to their house for Christmas. know. It’s about Ebbets-fielder Stooge. All the most famous DARLENE: That’s a classic, you know. actors in the world want to play that character—even Mister Magoo. LEROY: I wish I could wear a top hat instead instead of a bedsheet. I’d make a great Bob Scratchit.
We begin a “Doo-doo-doo-doo” dream sequence noise as all the shepherds and angels line up like they’re at the Cratchit table. LEROY and CLAUDIA are on the ends, facing each other. other. Let’s bow our heads and pray, everybody. everybody. … For all that we’ve got… LEROY: Let’s LISA: My scarf! (on second mention: Monopoly!) CINDY: My hair ribbons! (EZ Bake Oven!) MARIE: My rag doll. (Kerplunk!) PENNY: My piece of chalk. (Barbie Dolls!) BRENDA: My pile of lint. (Mousetrap!) ANNIE: My dead bug collection. (Slinky!) MARCIA: My pair of – well, my sock. (Silly Putty!)
course) My … my … my hula hoop! (Stratego!) GLADYS: (deciding on a different course) My spirit) My My … Barrel of Monkeys! (Erector set!) GINGER : (getting into the spirit)
48 BOBBY: My Daniel Boone cap! (GI Joe!) BARBARA: My Etch-a-Sketch! (Play Doh!) MAUREEN: My Mystery Date game! (Battleship!) JAN: My Rock’em Sock’em Robots! (Twister!)
Hon olulu, Hawaii! (Candy Land!) JUDY: My all-expense paid trip for two to Honolulu, (All the kids start listing other toys and games at the same time) down) … Amen. CLAUDIA: Stop! Stop! … Shhhh… (after everyone simmers down) … ALL: AMEN!
Mr. Stooge! I give you Mr. Mr. Stooge! LEROY: Mr. CLAUDIA: That old ding-a-ling? Ooh, gross! LEROY: He ain’t so bad. CLAUDIA: Not so bad? He pays you 15 shillings a week! LEROY: What’s the matter with that? CLAUDIA: I don’t even know what a shilling is, but we have more kids than we have shillings.
cheapskater. But, who knows, maybe he’ll get into the LEROY: Yeah, you got a point. He’s a cheapskater. Christmas spirit! CLAUDIA: There ain’t a ghost of a chance.
Stooge ! LEROY: I still say, here’s to Mister Stooge! ALL: Mister Stooge!
(“Doo-doo-doo-doo” as they go to their positions for the next part of rehearsal.) ANGELS, SHEPHERDS, WISE MEN scramble offstage. ANGEL CHOIR stand around around waiting for the full run-through. run-through. RALPH and IMOGENE slouch over to the manger and sit down. GRACE stands in the aisle. GRACE: Just read the last few words, words, Maxine. MAXINE: … shepherds keeping watch watch over their flocks by night …
49 JUNE: Music … shepherds!
SHEPHERDS straggle in, pushing pu shing and shoving each other, other, and assemble around the manger. manger. Angel of the Lord appeared to them and … MAXINE: And an Angel GLADYS: (bursting out from behind the choir) Shazam! choir) Shazam! GRACE: No, Gladys!
SHEPHERDS) Out of the black night … GLADYS: (swooping at the SHEPHERDS) Out risers) Go on, GRACE: No! (takes GLADYS by the arm and heads her back to the choir risers) Go Maxine. (As GRACE returns to the aisle, GLADYS makes another threatening swoop toward the SHEPHERDS) MAXINE: … a multitude of the heavenly host … JUNE: Music … angels!
The BABY ANGELS come on and are corralled into position. JUNE: Music … Wise Men!
LEROY, LEROY, CLAUDIA, and OLLIE enter, enter, slouching aimlessly down the aisle and up to the manger. manger. As they approach, IMOGENE holds up the doll by the back of the neck, waving it in the air. air. IMOGENE: I’ve got the baby here … don’t touch him! I named him Jesus! GRACE: (hurrying on stage) No, stage) No, no, no! You don’t say—
RALPH grabs the doll. He and IMOGENE tussle over it as the SHEPHERDS scramble out of the way, creating creating a tangle of bod ies and voices. GRACE: (nerves fraying) —anything! fraying) —anything! Mary doesn’t doesn’t say anything. No one says anything!
Mary and Joseph … IMOGENE: (to RALPH) Let RALPH) Let go! Give it back!
RALPH and IMOGENE are pounding each other, other, until GRACE gets in the middle and separates them. GRACE: (total exasperation) … exasperation) … Mary and Joseph make a lovely picture for us to look at while
we think about Christmas and what it means! …
50 JUNE: Now, Imogene, put the doll back.
(disgruntled) I don’t get to say anything. … Some angel tells me what to call c all the IMOGENE: (disgruntled) I baby … I would have called him Bill. terrible thing to to say! (scribbles in her notebook) ALICE: Oh, what a terrible RALPH: What angel was that? There’s angels all over the place! Was that Gladys? GRACE: No, Gladys brought the good news to the shepherds. GLADYS: Yeah … (yells at the SHEPHERDS) Unto SHEPHERDS) Unto you a child is born! IMOGENE: Unto me! Not them, me! I’m the one that had the baby! GRACE: No, no, no. That just means that Jesus belongs to everybody. everybody. Unto all of us a child is
born. (big sigh) IMOGENE: Why didn’t they let Mary name her own baby? What did that angel do, just walk
up and say, “Name him Jesus”? this) Yes. GRACE: (fed up with this) Yes. violins) I know what the angel ALICE: (piety personified; we can almost hear the ha rps and violins) I said. She said, “His name shall be called Wonderful Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.” There is a moment of amazed silence at this performance, so IMOGENE’s IMOGENE’s response is loud and clear. grade if he had to write all that! IMOGENE: My gosh! He’d never get out of the first grade This throws the rehearsal rehearsal into confusion. There is a babble of voices—shock, laughter, laughter, grumbling at ALICE, who marches offsteage offsteage left with her nose in the air, air, followed by ANGEL CHOIR members arguing with her (“Why did you have to say all that?” “We’ll “We’ll never get out of here!” “Nobody asked you, Alice!”). The SHEPHERDS, seeing seeing a chance to escape, also also scramble offstage right, pushing and shoving and calling excuses (“Gonna get a drink of water!” “Have to go to the bathroom.” bathroom.” “Be back in a minute.”) RALPH grabs the doll and throws it to LEROY who runs offstage left, pursued by IMOGENE and the other HERDMANS. Bradley, what should I do? Should I start over? MAXINE: (above the clamor) Mrs. clamor) Mrs. Bradley, GRACE sinks wearily wea rily on Angel Choir riser. riser.
51 minute break, Maxine. (calls to others) Five others) Five minutes! (MAXINE exits stage left) JUNE: Five minute Spotlight on BETH, downstage right. over. And we never did go through the whole thing. thing. (MRS. BETH: We never did start over. McCARTHY enters stage right and crosses, crosses, sniffing the air, air, to exit stage left, as BETH speaks) The five minutes turned into fifteen minutes, and Imogene Herdman spent the whole time smoking cigars in the ladies’ room. Then Mrs. McCarthy went to the ladies’ room and saw all the smoke and called the fire department. And they came—right away. away. MRS. McCARTHY: (running on stage) Fire! stage) Fire! There’s a fire!
fire! Run for your lives! Get out of my way! MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: Fire, fire! She is followed by children children running in from from both directions. directions. Sound of fire fire siren. Three FIREMEN (KEITH, MARK, and MIKEY) hurry up center aisle, carrying fire fire extinguishers and coiled hoses, shouting. Take the big hose in the side! KEITH: Take o ut! MARK: The place is full of kids! Get the kids out! MIKEY: Get everybody out! MRS. McCARTHY: Somewhere on the first floor! ELMER : Wait ‘til my dad hears about this!
All the children, the FIREMEN, MRS. McCARTHY, McCARTHY, and GRACE mill around the stage, herding herding children off stage right and left. The HERDMANS are square square in the middle of all this, grabbing at hoses, jumping on a fireman’ fireman’ss back, etc. Lights down on set. set. Spotlight on BETH, downstage right. CLOSE CURTAIN BETH: They cleared everybody out of the building and dragged a fire hose through the church
hall looking for a fire fire to put out. But the only one they found was in the kitchen … all the the applesauce cake burned up. Of course, all the ladies ladies were mad about that, and Mrs. Mrs. McCarthy was mad, and my mother and Mrs. Kearns were mad. Spotlight off BETH, up on JUNE and MRS. McCARTHY downstage left. JUNE: Why in the world did you call the fire department about a little smoke?
52 smoke. The ladies’ room was full of smoke. MRS. McCARTHY: It was a lot of smoke. couldn’t have been. You just got excited. And now look—the look—the church is full of JUNE: It couldn’t firemen and the street is full of baby angels crying and shepherds climbing all over the fire truck and half the neighborhood …! Didn’t you know it was cigar smoke? MRS. McCARTHY: No, I didn’t didn’t know it was cigar smoke! I don’t expect to find cigar smoke
in the ladies’ room of the church! Spotlight off ladies, up on BETH. Wendleken’s mother was mad, too, and the whole Ladies’ Aid Society was mad … BETH: Alice Wendleken’s and Reverend Hopkins said he didn’t know what to think. OPEN CURTAIN Spotlight off BETH. MRS. SLOCUM, MRS CLARK, MRS TYLER, MRS HEAD, MRS. GALLI and MRS FOSSE enter MRS. GALLI: Look at this mess! Good thing Reverend Hopkins wouldn’t wouldn’t let me build the
inn. It would have been ransacked! MRS. CLAUSING: (holding a baking pan with oven mitts) Or mitts) Or Imogene would have tried
smoking in there and set the whole church on fire! MRS. CLARK : It didn’t help that your paper mache barn fell apart. apart. MRS. SLOCUM: What happened to the stars? MRS. GALLI: All that work making stars that glowed and the North star moving in the night
sky. sky. All that work for nothing. MRS. TYLER : It looked really nice when you were were setting it up last week. MRS. CLAUSING: It was like a planetarium! MRS. GALLI: It was amazing! Right up until it blew all the breakers in the church.
wasn’t keen on the idea of candlelight services. services. MRS. FOSSE: Reverend Hopkins wasn’t they would have let me finish those costumes. MRS. HEAD: I just wish they MRS. SLOCUM: I’m sorry, sorry, Mrs. Head, but I agree with Grace that the cowboy and Indian Indian
costumes just weren’t appropriate.
53 MRS. HEAD: I would have made them more shepherd-like.
the choreography. choreography. If MRS. FOSSE: I need to find Grace. I have one more great idea for the everyone shows up an hour before the performance, performance, I know I could teach it to everyone. Take a look. Shirley … come show everyone. (SHIRLEY enters and dances to “Angels “An gels We We Have Heard on High”) MRS. FOSSE: Perfect! Thank you. Please go find the director and show her.
(SHIRLEY exits) MRS. CLARK : Oh yes, that is much better. better. MRS. TYLER : Looks easy enough!
(PARENTS exit.) CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES. Lights up on REVEREND HOPKINS and GRACE GRACE – phone conversation. day, and I can’t make head or tails of REVEREND HOPKINS: I’ve been on the telephone all day, it. Some people say they set fire fire to the ladies’ room. Some people say they set fire fire to the kitchen. Vera Wendleken Wendleken says all they talk about is girls and Mighty Marvo and underwear! GRACE: That was Hobie Clark talking about underwear. And they didn’t set fire to anything.
The only fire was in the kitchen, where the applesauce cake burned up. in an uproar. uproar. I don’t know … Jesus said, REVEREND HOPKINS: Well, the whole church is in “Suffer the little little children to come unto me,” but I’m not sure he meant the Herdmans. Grace, don’t you think we should cancel the pageant? GRACE: I’ll bet that was Helen Armstrong’s Armstrong’s idea. REVEREND HOPKINS: We could blame it on the fire fire … makes a good excuse.
McCarthy’s idea. GRACE: I’ll bet that was Mrs. McCarthy’s it’s going to be a … a … REVEREND HOPKINS: Everyone seems to think it’s GRACE: Disaster? (REVEREND HOPKINS nods sheepishly) Well, they’re wrong! It’s going
to be the best Christmas pageant we’ve ever had! don’t think anyone will come to see it! REVEREND HOPKINS: But, Grace … I don’t Lights down as they exit.
54
55
SCENE 10 CURTAIN PARTLY PARTLY OPEN for TV scene. Lights up on MRS. ARMSTRONG’ ARMSTRONG ’s Living room. MARYANN, MARYANN, NANCY, NANCY, and DARLENE enter. enter. Lights up on TV scene in front of stage. stage. DIRECTOR (MRS. FOSSE): Are you the girl who’s going to do the commercial? LUCY (MRS. McCARTHY): Yes, sir. My name is Lucy McGillicuddy. DIRECTOR: You know your lines yet? ye t? LUCY: I think so.
Let’s try it once, and remember—be bright bright and vivacious. vivacious. DIRECTOR : Good. Let’s smile) Hello friends. I’m your y our Vitameatavegamin Vitameatavegamin girl. Are you tired, runLUCY: OK. (big smile) Hello down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. DIRECTOR : Now, Now, you pick up the bottle. bottle. (LUCY picks up bottle.) A little higher. highe r. That’s right.
Yes. Vitameatavegamin. Vitameatavegamin. LUCY: The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Yes. Vitameatavegamin Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables v egetables and minerals. With Vitameatavegamin Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your you r way to health. All you do is take a big tablespoon after every meal. some. DIRECTOR : Now you take some. LUCY: Oh. It’s so tasty, too. (tastes it; makes it-tastes-horrible faces) It tastes just like candy.
like the stuff. You’ve gotta smile, be DIRECTOR : No, no, no. Look, you’re supposed to like happy. Let’s try it again. again . LUCY: Yes, ma’am. It’s so tasty, too. (tries, gags, then composes herself) Just like candy. candy. DIRECTOR : Nope. Once more. LUCY: (loads another spoonful) It’s so tasty too. (tastes, tries to stifle gag) Tastes just like
candy. fine. You just go ahead. DIRECTOR : That’s going to be fine. happy, peppy people and buy a great big LUCY: Oh. So why don’t you join the thousands of happy, bottle of Vitameatavegamin Vitameatavegamin tomorrow? That’s That’s Vita-meata-vegamin. Vita-meata-vegamin. (winks) MRS. ARMSTRONG: (reading a magazine) Maryann, magazine) Maryann, would you please turn off the TV?
56 MARYANN: Sure.
Lights down on LUCY. LUCY. NANCY: I love I Love Lucy. DARLENE: I like Ricky Ricardo the best. Luuuuuucy!!! MRS. ARMSTRONG: So, how did it go today? MARYANN: It was awful!
fire. NANCY: There was a fire. MRS. ARMSTRONG: A fire?! I thought I heard the fire trucks. Was anyone hurt? Did the
church burn down? Is there anything left of the city? fire. DARLENE: It was just a small fire. MARYANN: There is a mess, but nobody got hurt. MRS. ARMSTRONG: I bet one of those Herdman kids did it. MARYANN: It had to be. Maybe it was Imogene. NANCY: Maybe it was all of them. DARLENE: A conspiracy! MRS. ARMSTRONG: From what I hear about those rehearsals, it was probably God up above
saving the town from having those Herdman brats ruin his most treasured story. it’s not canceled. I like singing the carols. MARYANN: I hope it’s it IS canceled. We only have flowered bed sheets. NANCY: I hope it will be arrested and you can have the MRS. ARMSTRONG: Maybe those Herdman arsonists will show without them. Alice can be Mary, Mary, Elmer can be Joseph. You’ll figure it out. DARLENE: The show must go on! MRS. ARMSTRONG: Without the Herdmans. (resumes reading magazine)
Lights back up on LUCY. LUCY.
57 Vita-vega-vittival girl. Are Are you tired? Run-down? Listless? Do you pop LUCY: Well, I’m your Vita-vega-vittival out at parties? Are you unpoopular? unpo opular? Well, Well, are you? The answer to all your yo ur problems is in this little ol’ bottle…Vitameatavegamin. bottle…Vitameatavegamin. That’s it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, meg-etables, and vinerals. So why don’t you join the thousands of happy , peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vita-veaty-vega-meany-minie-moe-amin. Vita-veaty-vega-meany-minie-moe-amin. I’ll tell you what you have to do. You You have to take a whole tablespoon after every meal. It’s It’s so tasty, too: it’s it’s just like candy cand y. So everybody get a bottle of…this o f…this stuff. Lights down on LUCY. LUCY. Lights up on table scene. OLLIE and RALPH sitting at breakfast table; in front of them lies a bowl of cereal. MIKEY is at far end. OLLIE: What’s this stuff? RALPH: Some cereal. Supposed to be good for you. OLLIE: Did you try it? RALPH: I’m not gonna try it. You You try it.
RALPH slides cereal bowl toward toward OLLIE. OLLIE: I’m not gonna try it.
OLLIE slides the bowl back to RALPH. RALPH: Let’s get Mikey! OLLIE: Yeah!
MIKEY, MIKEY, sitting at the far end of the table. RALPH slides bowl toward toward MIKEY. MIKEY. Mikey looks blankly at the bowl of cereal. c ereal. RALPH: He won’t eat it. He hates everything…
(MIKEY tries it, likes it, keeps eating.) RALPH: HE LIKES IT! HEY MIKEY! MRS. TYLER : When you bring Life home, don’t tell the kids it’s one of those nutritional
cereals you’ve been trying to get them to eat. You’re the only one who has to know. Lights down on TV commercial. CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES. CLOSES .
58 know…t urn off the TV. TV. DARLENE: I know, I know…turn the Christmas pageant? MARYANN: Mrs. Armstrong, are you coming to the MRS ARMSTRONG: Yes, of course I am coming. Nobody listens to me. The show must go
on, they say. say. It’s It’s going to be a disaster! I’ll be there. They’ll beg me to direct it next year and they’ll wish they listened listened to me. But I won’t say I told you so. NANCY: But you did tell them so. MRS. ARMSTRONG: (ignoring her) That her) That wouldn’t be Christian of me. Far be it from me not
to be a good shepherd. You never hear me complain or put people in their place. eyes) No, never. KIDS: (rolling their eyes) Lights down as they exit.
59
SCENE 11 CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSED. Spotlight up on BETH. BETH: Reverend Hopkins said he didn’t think anyone would come to see the pageant. I didn’t
think so, either, either, and neither did Charlie. But we were wrong. On Christmas Eve the church was jammed full. Everyone came … to see what the Herdmans would do. Spotlight off BETH, leaving stage dark. GRACE and BOB enter from from back of theater and walk down center aisle to the stage. stage. She is carrying tote bags, extra sheets, paper cups, etc. He is carrying a very large tree-type tree-type potted plant. GRACE: Wait until I turn the lights on. (when she snaps fingers, the house lights come up) BOB: How’d you do that? GRACE: Friends in high places. Now, Now, watch your step. step. BOB: I can’t even see where I’m I’m going. I don’t know what in the world you expect to do with
this thing … GRACE puts her various burdens on the floor and rummages through the tote bag, looking for and extra script. She pulls out one or two extra halos, rolls of scotch tape, box of tissues, tissues, and a big white first aid kid with a red cross on the side of it. GRACE: I thought it might look like a palm tree. (looks at the plant as BOB goes to OPEN
CURTAIN) I see now that it doesn’t. doesn’t. Oh, I don’t don’t have any idea what’s what’s going to happen tonight! We’ve never once gone go ne through the whole thing, and the Herdmans still think it’s some kind of spy story. story. It may be the first Christmas pageant in history where Joseph and the Wise Wise Men get in a fight and Mary runs away with the baby. JUNE runs in, panicked. JUNE: I was going down my checklist this afternoon and calling every parent to make sure they
bring a costume—any costume—for their children, and I found out that Monica Doyle came down with the whooping cough and can’t be in the pageant. I told Mrs. Doyle, I said, “Do you know what that’ll do to our angel choir? It will throw the symmetry all out of whack!” She hung up on me. So I asked my son Jimmy if he would fill in—he’s in—he’s home from college—but he said no, not if I was gonna make him shave his beard. So I decided that I would have to to fill in for Monica myself. And that was settled until I remembered about the bedsheets, but it’s it’s Christmas Eve and the store was closed and so I have to use a sheet that’s … (dramatic lighting and sound) … against regulation! (She skulks off, shaking her head.)
60 GRACE and BOB are setting up the tree, the manger, manger, counting the shepherds’ crooks, etc. during their dialogue. House lights remain remain up, so that when the pageant begins, the lights can go down, and we will see it as a play within a play. GRACE: Where are the kids? BOB: All the kids in the free world are down in the basement, putting on bedsheets. GRACE: I mean, our kids. BETH: (as they enter stage left) We’re left) We’re here. GRACE: Well, go get your costumes on. It’s It’s getting late. CHARLIE: It’s It’s going to be awful, you know. know. BETH: They look like trick or treat—all treat—all dirty and fastened fastened together with safety pins and
wearing their moldy old sneakers … Mary and Joseph, I mean. They look like refugees or something. BOB: Well … that’s that’s what they were … Mary and Joseph. They were refugees, in a way. way. They
were a long way from home, didn’t have any place to stay, didn’t didn’t know anybody. They were probably cold and hungry and tired—and messy. BETH is struck by the sense of this new idea; CHARLIE is not. CHARLIE: I don’t know about cold and hungry, hungry, but they’re sure messy. messy. (They leave.) GRACE: Oh, dear … Do you think I should …
worry too much. Now (briskly, BOB: I think you worry (briskly, to get her mind off the Herdmans) … Herdmans) … I’m going to push the bab y angels onstage, and I’m going to hand out shepherd’s crooks and then push them onstage … When do I do all that? script) Just follow this script. GRACE: (hands him script) Just script) Baby angels … shepherds … Wise Men … It doesn’t seem to say BOB: (flips through script) Baby here where the fire engines come in. GRACE: (in no mood for jokes) Oh-h-h, jokes) Oh-h-h, Bob! BOB: Just kidding. (he pats her shoulder, collects the crooks, and exits left.)
61 (walking in from stage left, greeting BOB as they pass) pass) Just wanted to wish REV. REV. HOPKINS HO PKINS: (walking you well tonight. I know you’ve put a lot into this show. show. A lot of heart—and a lot of Herdmans. I’ll be praying praying it all goes well. (turning to audience) audience) After all, Christmas Eve is about miracles! During preceding dialogue ANGEL CHOIR CHOIR members, SHEPHERDS, two or three HERDMANS, BABY ANGELS drift on and offstage and are now more more or less in place. GRACE: Is everyone here? Beth, I want you and Alice down front where you can help the
baby angels. (goes to wings and calls) Will you all come on stage please? (with a predictable amount of shoving and jostling, everyone eve ryone assembles on stage) I just want to see how you look. (brief pause while she sees, and audience aud ience sees, that they do indeed inde ed look like trick or treaters.) Gladys, where is your halo? GLADYS: Our cat buried it … Listen, I think I ought to say something besides the the baby came.
Why would they all get up and tear tear off after some baby they don’t even know? I ought to tell ‘em it’s it’s Jesus, and I ought to tell them where he is. that’s all you tell them. GRACE: No, Gladys. You tell them, “Unto you a child is born,”’ and that’s Now, Now, let’s let’s all go backstage, and try to be quiet while people are coming. And good luck! Bradley, actors don’t say say good luck, actors say break a leg. ALICE: Mrs. Bradley, GRACE: Yes, I know that, Alice, Alice, but in this case I don’t think … (CLAUDIA, LEROY, OLLIE,
and GLADYS attack each other in response to “break a leg.” GRACE separates them.) them.) For those of you who don’t know what that means, it’s just a theatrical saying. It doesn’t really mean break a leg … your own or anyone else’s. ELMER: Do you think someone said “Good luck” to Mrs. Armstrong Armstrong and that’s how she broke
her leg? tractor. MARIE: Nah. I think she broke in on a tractor. CINDY: I thought she was attacked by a bear. ELMER : What?! CINDY: At the candy store.
store? We don't have any candy stores around here. MARIE: What candy store? CINDY: Remember? And she got shot in the leg by a BB gun?
62 h eard she fell for the delivery man, and a nd Mr. Armstrong wasn’t ELMER : That was on the radio. I heard happy. abo ut it. I heard her DEBBY: No, that’s not how it happened. My Mom was talking on the phone about say that the UPS man pushed her down the cellar stairs! MARIE: No way! DEBBY: Yuh -huh, and then the UPS man tied her up with a telephone cord! ELMER : Why would he do that? DEBBY: I think because she didn't give him a tip.
They all exit, IMOGENE last, dangling the doll upside down, by one leg. GRACE: And, Imogene, try to remember that that’s that’s a baby. starts (starts to exit, then adds) And, adds) And, for
tonight anyway, it’s the baby Jesus. GRACE exits, leaving IMOGENE alone. House lights down half. In this scene IMOGENE, surrounded for the first first time with the simple, traditional trappings of Christmas—the Christmas—the stillness, the dim light, the words “The Baby Jesus” in her mind—reflects the sense of wonder and mystery evoked in everyone on Christmas Eve. She cradles the doll awkwardly awkwardly in her arms, takes takes a cloth from the manger, manger, and wraps the doll in it. She straightens her veil and smoothes her costume … and becomes Mary. She looks out toward the audience, and we sense that she is a little shy about her own emotional reaction: that she hopes there is no one to see her in this uncharacteristic moment. She exits stage left. House lights down. Stage lights up half. REVEREND HOPKINS: (to ADULTS in pews) Good evening and Merry Christmas. Please enjoy our annual Christmas pageant, this year ye ar directed by Mrs. Grace Bradley.
Holding candles, ANGEL CHOIR enters from from center aisle, led by MAXINE, and crosses to the the risers, singing ‘O Little Town of Bethlehem’. O little town of Bethlehem, How still we see thee lie! Above thy deep and dreamless sleep The silent stars go by. Yet in thy dark streets shineth The everlasting Light; The hopes and fears of all the years Are met in thee to-night.
63 They take their places places on the risers. risers. ALICE and BETH are are downstage. MAXINE is on the bottom riser. riser. When the carol is finished, MAXINE speaks. speaks. MAXINE: In the days of Caesar Augustus a decree went out that all the world should be taxed,
and Joseph went into Bethlehem with Mary his wife, who was great with child. And while they were there she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. ANGEL CHOIR sings ‘Away ‘Away in a Manger’ as RALPH and IMOGENE enter stage left. Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, The little Lord Jesus laid down His sweet head; The stars in the sky looked down where He lay, The little Lord Jesus, asleep in the hay. They are hesitant, awkward, visibly sobered sobered by this Christmas Eve service and by all the people watching them. IMOGENE handles the doll with with a kind of motherliness, puts it up on her shoulder as if to burp it. It may be necessary or useful for the ANGEL CHOIR to to continue, humming, as BETH and ALICE talk. aren’t they awful? What’s What’s she doing with the baby? Oh! I don’t don’t think ALICE: Look at them, aren’t it’s it’s very nice to burp the baby Jesus, as if he had colic. BETH: Well, he could have had colic, just like any other baby.
it’s awful. And they look look awful. ALICE: I don’t care, it’s BETH: So what? They just came a long way and now they don’t have any place to sleep, and
they’ve got a new baby to worry about. ALICE: Who, Ralph and Imogene? BETH: No. Mary and Joseph. (RALPH and IMOGENE take their places at the manger.) manger.) MAXINE: And in that region there were shepherds in the field, keeping watch over their flocks
by night. ANGEL CHOIR sings “The First Noel.” The first Noel the Angels did say Was to certain poor po or Shepherds in fields as they lay. In fields where they lay keeping their sheep, In a cold winter’s winter ’s night that was so deep.
64 Noel, noel, noel, noel. Born is the King of Israel.
During this carol the SHEPHERDS enter down center aisle, collecting collecting their crooks one by one from BOB. They cluster in front front of the stage, sitting and standing. Gladys) … An angel of the Lord MAXINE: And an angel of the Lord appeared to them … (no Gladys) … appeared to them … (still no Gladys) … The glory of the Lord shone round about and they were sore afraid when the angel of the Lord appeared to them and said, Be not … (GLADYS, having chosen her moment, now roars up the aisle, around the shepherds, and up on stage with her message.) GLADYS: Hey! Hey! Unto you a child is born! … It’s It’s Jesus, and he’s he’s in the barn … go see
him! (when the SHEPHERDS hesitate, she grabs one to move him along, and then another one) Go on, he’s over there—go on! (SHEPHERDS move on stage and gather around the manger.) manger.) MAXINE: (though flustered, recovers) And recovers) And suddenly there was a multitude of the heavenly
host, saying Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men. ANGEL CHOIR sings ‘Angels We We Have Heard on High’ while BABY ANGELS enter stage left, steered along by BOB. Angels we have heard on high Sweetly singing o'er the plains, And the mountains in reply Echoing their joyous strains. Gloria, in excelsis Deo! Gloria, in excelsis Deo!
We see BOB doing this because becau se one angel comes on, turns around and goes back, and must be redirected. redirected. Another angel comes one, stops cold, and must be moved along. They join the crowd crowd on stage, lining up in front of the ANGEL ANGEL CHOIR. The first ‘Gloria” of the chorus is sung with a blast. MAXINE: When Jesus was born, there came Wise Wise Men from the East to worship him, bringing
gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh. ANGEL CHOIR sings ‘We ‘We Three Kings of Orient Are’ as LEROY, LEROY, OLLIE and CLAUDIA enter down center aisle, with LEROY carrying a ham, wrapped with a Merry Christmas ribbon.
65 We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts, we traverse afar. Field and fountain, moor and mountain, Following yonder star. star. O Star of Wonder, Wonder, Star of Night, Star with Royal Beauty bright, Westward leading, Still S till proceeding, Guide us to Thy perfect Light.
ALICE: They look awful, too. And what’s what’s that Leroy’s Leroy’s got? BETH: (craning her neck to see) It’s see) It’s … it’s a ham! ALICE: A ham! I bet they stole it!
it’s the ham from their welfare welfare basket. BETH: No, … I think it’s it’s their own ham? Then they must hate ham. ALICE: You mean it’s BETH: Well, even if they hate ham, Alice, it’s it’s the only thing they ever gave away in their whole
life. ANGEL CHOIR hums ‘We ‘We Three Kings’ as WISE MEN kneel at the manger. manger. country, the Wise Wise MAXINE: Being warned in a dream that they should not return to their own country, Men departed another way. way. The shepherds also departed, praising God for all they had seen and heard. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. ANGEL CHOIR sings ‘Silent Night.’ Silent night, holy night! All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy infant so tender and mild, Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace. It is assumed that the congregation would join in this this carol, and as BOB steps just inside inside the wings we see that he, too, is singing. GRACE steps just inside the wings, stage right, and she is singing, too. IMOGENE takes the doll from from the manger and holds it. She is crying. CHOIR continues, humming.
66 look…Mary’s crying (she turns and leans back toward the wings where ALICE: Beth … look…Mary’s GRACE is standing) Mrs. standing) Mrs. Bradley … Mary’s Mary’s crying. CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES as the CHOIR is humming. MRS. McCARTHY and MRS. SLOCUM come up from the audience and meet at the stage. MRS. McCARTHY: Could you believe that was Imogene Herdman? And all the rest of them?
Irma, this was the best Christmas pageant we ever had, and I’m not sure why, but I think it was them. Could that be? it’s the children and the MRS. SLOCUM: Oh, I always get weepy about the pageant. I guess it’s carols and all … but you’re right, this was the best one … and it should have been the worst. MRS. CAUSING: (walking (walking up with MRS. CLARK to join the conversation) conversation) That’s That’s exactly what
we were just saying! appreciate it. MRS. CLARK : Maybe they’re always the best and we just don’t appreciate MRS. McCARTHY: Maybe, but this time there was just something … different. MRS. SLOCUM: Well, the angel of the Lord was different!
Yes, but you know, know, I liked that! Had lots of spunk. I like spunk. MRS. McCARTHY: Yes, MRS. CAUSING: Sometimes you can’t even hear the angel of the Lord.
JUNE walks by, still still in her costume, with a pile of sheets in her arms. arms. MRS. McCARTHY: June, can you tell me where Grace went?
JUNE points left, walks off right singing to herself , “Amazing Grace…” MRS. McCARTHY: (starts off stage left) I must find Grace and tell her … MRS. CLARK: Wait for us ... MRS. CAUSING: I want to give her some applesauce cake for the holiday. holiday. MRS. SLOCUM: (following) I just wish now that I’d let her have Eugene to be the baby Jesus. MRS. McCARTHY: (stops) Who (stops) Who was the baby Jesus? MRS. SLOCUM: Why, Why, it was a doll. MRS. CAUSING: It was?
67 MRS. McCARTHY: Oh, I don’t think so. That was no doll. MRS. SLOCUM: Well … it did seem real. (they exit)
MRS. TYLER, MRS. HEAD, MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN, MRS. GALLI, and MRS. FOSSE meet center stage. MRS. TYLER : Wow, what a lovely pageant—even better than I would have imagined! MRS. HEAD: I agree, but I know it wasn’t because of the the costumes... MRS. FOSSE: And it wasn’t wasn’t the choreography... choreography... MRS. GALLI: And it wasn’t wasn’t the set... MRS. FLITTERWOCHEN: And it wasn’t that the kids were well-behaved... well-behaved... ALL: It was the Herdmans! (they exit right as MRS. FOSSE gets MRS. ARMSTRONG’s ARMSTRONG’s
wheelchair) FOSSE) I knew it all the time! MRS. ARMSTRONG: (being wheeled across stage by MRS. FOSSE) I That’s why I picked Grace – I knew she’d do a great job! (or words to this effect) Spotlight on BETH. way. We all thought the pageant BETH: It did seem real, as if it might have happened just that way. was about Jesus, but that was only part of it. It was about a new baby, and his mother and father who were in a whole lot of trouble—no money, no place to go, no doc tor, nobody they knew. And then, arriving from the East—like my uncle from Long Island—some rich friends. CURTAIN OPENS behind her. BOB looks out, as if he’s he’s the one who pulled the curtain, and crosses to meet GRACE, who enters from the opposite side. She is smiling and is obviously pleased with the pageant, the Herdmans, and herself. He hugs her and they have a conversation we don’t don’t hear, hear, but can surmise—they are talking about the surprise success of the whole thing, about Gladys, about the balky baby angels, about the ham. BETH’s BETH’s speech is simultaneous with this action. BETH: Because of the Herdmans, it was a whole new story—Imogene, story—Imogene, burping the baby, baby, and
the Wise Wise Men bringing such a sensible present. After all, they couldn’t eat frankincense! And even Gladys—“he’s in the barn, go see him”—so the shepherds didn’t have to stumble around all over the countryside.
68 Behind her, her, IMOGENE enters, tenderly carrying the doll; she kisses it one more more time and hands it gently to GRACE and leaves. wasn’t like that for Imogene. For her, the Christmas pageant turned out to BETH: But I guess it wasn’t be all wonder and mystery, mystery, as if she just caught on to what Christmas was all about. When it was over, we had a party in the basement, but the Herdmans didn’t stay. stay. They didn’t have any cocoa, and they didn’t walk off with all the cookies, and they wouldn’t even take their candy canes. Behind her, her, GRACE and BOB and CHARLIE are about to close up and go home. BOB is wearing his bathrobe. bathrobe. BETH moves back to join them. BOB: I guess that’s that’s about it. Any kids left downstairs? downstairs? GRACE: No, everyone’s everyone’s gone … You know you have your bathrobe on. You aren’t going to
wear it home, are you? think I was a shepherd. I wouldn’t mind being taken for for a BOB: Why not? Maybe people will think shepherd in this Christmas pageant. CHARLIE: Yes, you would! When it was over some lady came up and hugged me because I
was a shepherd. … Should I bring this ham? GRACE: It’s It’s the Herdmans’ ham from their welfare welfare basket … but they wouldn’t wouldn’t take it back.
Leroy said, “It’s “It’s a present. You don’t take back a present.” must hate ham. CHARLIE: Leroy said that? They must Wendleken! ken! BETH: You and Alice Wendle BOB: What about the lights?
timer. They go off off at midnight. GRACE: They’re on a timer. BOB: That’s not far away. (looks at his watch, and then at the others) … others) … It’s almost Christmas
(we hear, hear, offstage, the sound of carillon bells.) be lls.) GRACE: … almost Christmas, kids. BETH: … almost almost Christmas, Christmas, Charlie.
Lights dim. They reach out to each other to touch hands, to draw together. together. We hear, hear, with the bells rising above them, a reprise of lines from the pageant, spoken by different people, so there is a mix of voices and pace. The lines should flow together. together.
69 “And it came to pass in the days of …” “And there were shepherds abiding …” “A multitude, praising God …” “I bring you good tidings of great joy …” (offstage) Hey! (she runs on stage to center stage) Hey, Hey, unto you is born a child! GLADYS: (offstage) Hey! Lights down for slow count of 5 seconds. Lights up. COMPANY COMPANY on stage to sing ‘Joy to the World.” We should hear the first phrase in a strong burst. Joy to the world! The Lord is come. Let earth receive her King; Let every heart prepare Him room; And heav’n and nature sing, And heav’n and nature sing. And heav’n and heav’n and nature sing.
He rules the world with truth and grace, g race, And makes the nations prove The glories of His righteousness. And wonders of His love, And wonders of His love, And wonders, wonders of His love.
CURTAIN CURTAIN CLOSES. CLOSES .
