The Angry Parent Book 2018

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M O C . N G I S E D S O M E L A I V A L F

Lisa Smith ThePeacefulParent.com



















TABLE OF CONTENTS

1) “I Vow To Not Yell At My Kids Today”

04

2) “I can see it coming...”

13

3) Fee Feeling ling our feelings

20

4) Anger is an Unmet Need

28

5) Healthy Modeling v. Unhealthy Modeling

35

6) Using Anger As Your Guide

43

7) Applyin Applying g the Volcan olcano o Anger Model to to Your Anger 51 8) Peaceful Parenting Over the Long Run

60

Conclusion

68

About the Author

69



















CHAPTER 1

“I Vow To Not Yell At My Kids Today”



















CHAPTER 1

“I Vow To Not Yell At My Kids Today”

When a storm is on the horizon, as a parent, you often feel it coming. You feel it in your bones. You feel it as your blood starts to boil. Despite how much you’ve vowed to not yell at your kids today, it’s coming. You are helpless to stop it. Ten, the storm hits. You’ve lost control of your children and you lose it. Suddenly, you’re screaming at the top of your lungs to gain control, red in the face and filled with emotion. Maybe this time your children will take you seriously as you raise your voice. Maybe they are stunned by your yelling. Or



















“Why do I keep doing this?” you ask yourself.





















Ten, remorse sets in. Sometimes it’s sudden and sometimes it sets in late at night nigh t as you reflect back on your day. day. “Why do I keep doing this?” you ask yourself. “Why do I keep losing it?” Sound familiar? I can tell you that more households deal with the problem of anger than any other issue. For anyone wanting to become a more peaceful parent and achieve deep connection and peace in the home, addressing anger and the root causes of it are critical. Before we explore where wh ere anger comes come s from, I’d I’d like to tell te ll you about my own journey into become a peaceful parent, and the realizations I had to reach in order to truly change my parenting style. I grew up in a home where anger was everywhere. ever ywhere. Tere was a lot of anger between the adults, but that anger was also directed



















“I swore when I became an adult, I wouldn’t be angry.”



















time. I thought I could walk away from the anger and it would have no effect on me as an adult. Boy was I wrong! Early on in my parenting, I was in an almost-constant state of anger. Tis really surprised me because, by nature, I’m not an angry person. As my son grew from a baby to a toddler into a little boy, I found myself growing more and more angry in my parenting style. I would anger very quickly. I yelled a lot. Screaming matches between my son and I happened happened frequently. frequently. How was this happening? I made it through my entire adult life without lashing out at others. Yet, here I was, screaming at my son who I loved more than anything. After I yelled, I’d feel so guilty about it that at night, I would promise myself, “omorrow, I will not yell.”



















“Tomorrow, I will not yell.”



















Anger can look different different depending on the home home and parent. Te common manifestations of a parent who are expressing anger are: • Feeling the need to win every fight with your kids • Forcing your power over your kids looks like yelling, spanking, punishments, threats • Walking Walking away from from them • Giving them the silent treatment • Slamming doors or throwing objects

In the next chapter chap ter,, we’ll we’ll examine why patterns patterns from our child-





















? REFLECTION QUESTIONS

• How was anger, and other emotions, expressed in your childhood home? • Can you see any correlation between how you were parented and how you you’’re parenting? “I Can See It Coming…”





































CHAPTER 2

“I can see it coming...”

One of the most frustrating things about anger bubbling up in your parenting is that you often see it coming – but feel



















“Many of us deal with anger based on the patterns that were



















develop due to the models of behaviors and patterns we’re exposed to. If you grew up in an angry home, chances are you know it. You You probably have dealt with it as an adult enough to where you’re unlikely to lash out on a co-worker or a stranger. You may have even developed healthy adult relationships where anger doesn’t bubble up. But, when you became a parent, the neurological pathways





















“When “Whe n you’re you’re





















“... it feels as






















• What are my default reactions reactions to stress? • What thoughts are going through my mind? mind? • What behaviors or actions from my child









































CHAPTER 3

Feeling our feelings













































Plus, parents have to experience all of their child’s emotions when expressed. Oftentimes, parents are sad or uncomfort-













































If you’re not careful, you can inadvertently encourage your child to not express their feelings.















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































“... you must stay in your higher brain when your child is behaving in a way that is dicult for you.”



















Empathy. You must have empathy for yourself and for 1 Empathy. your child. Tis is really difficult because many parents are uncomfortable when feelings arise from unmet needs. 2 Self-Awareness. You know the volcano model is working

for you when you can say, “OK, I’m angry because I have an unmet need. Can I take time to figure out what the unmet need is?” You also know it’s working when you can extend that awareness to your child. A great example is sibling fighting. A lot of times parents will focus on the actual fighting and the behavior that’s coming out the top of the volcano. But really, connection happens between you and your children when you focus on what’s going on at the base of the volcano during the sibling fight. Who needed attention but wasn’ wasn’t getting it? Who needed respect but didn’ didn’t receive it? 3 Respect for Feelings and Needs. Again, it’s it’s about what’s what’s

happening at the base (unmet need), not about what lava is coming out (anger). It’s It’s all about forging a deeper connection



















1

“EMPATHY. You must have empathy for yourself and for your child.”



















2

“SELF-AWARENESS. Can I take time to gure out what the unmet need is?”



















3

“RESPECT FOR FEELINGS AND NEEDS. It’s all about forging for ging a deeper connection and using pow power er as a parent for good.”






















• Do I understand empathy and how how to give it to myself and others? • How can I work to create space for everyone’s’ feelings and needs?



















Conclusion

Te more you practice the volcano model on yourself, and your child, the more you’ll start to see a shift in your home. Continue to dissect your anger, and encourage your child to do the same (both in practice and by modeling). Sit down with them and explain the volcano model. Help Help them understand what an unmet need is and what can happen as a result.





































LISA SMITH

About The Author

Hi I’m Lisa. I am a Mom and Parent Coach who knows the joy of transformation, but really really I help turn frustrated parents -- who regularly default to yelling, threatening and punishing -- into peaceful leaders within their households. As a former dominant parent, I found the path pat h to Peaceful Parenting Parenting and am dedicated to helping other parents find their way too!



















iced green tea in my hand. You You can learn more about me and my work at www.thepeacefulparent.com. www.thepeacefulparent.com. I would love to hear from you and you can reach me directly at ... [email protected]





















THA NK YOU.

Lisa Smith ThePeacefulParent.com

The Angry Parent Book 2018

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