Sufjan Stevens An Oboist With So-So Vibrato When my mother dropped me o at music school in upstate New York, she said, "Oh Jesus help this kid e somethin! special" special" She wanted a child prodi!y, like #o$art and %i$st, ut & was just an ooist with so'so virato( When my mother left, & chan!ed chan!ed my name from )orace to )oratio( &t was a oar oardin din! ! scho school ol(( You coul could d e what whatev ever er you you want wanted ed for a year year(( & told told everyone & was from *r!entina, which made thin!s etter, since & was last chair in the orchestra( & refused to speak Spanish since & was in *merica now and & wanted to e *merican( &n truth, & was from #ichi!an( #i chi!an( & wore &$ods and stonewashed jeans, ti!ht' rolled( & had a #idwestern slan!( & said thin!s like hoydie'doydie and naw( #y father was an elder at a +entecostal church( #y mother cleaned our kitchen for a livin!( & was raised in a house with more iles than aspirin tas( No one cau!ht on ecause in music school you spend so much time repeatin! minor arpe!!ios that you dont notice other peoples accents or skin skin tone( tone( You only only notice notice emouc emouchur hure e and postur posture( e( You envy envy someon someone e elses -'sharp -'sharp major scales and circle circle reathin!( reathin!( &f you were an ooist, like me, you noticed the shape of a reed, the wood tone and nationality of the instrument. /rench /rench %oree or 0o!outat( &f you had a plastic ooe, like me, you were told not to leave your instrument on the radiator since it would melt and ruin a perfectly !ood case( & decided to rent an ooe from the music lirary1 it was made of *frican alsam( "*t least you dont sound like a sa2oph sa2ophone one anymor anymore," e," )eathe )eatherr Won! said said after after sectio sectional nals( s( She was just just ein! nice since she was second to last chair( chair( 3he other players fondled their ooes like e2otic wives, with uled ells and cotton cotton pads pads and !old'p !old'plait laited ed keys keys(( 3he est est player players s used used peacoc peacock k plumes to swa( & used an old sock and a piece of strin!( Sarah Sini!esson said her father found her ooe in an aandoned 4!yptian attic1 it was worth ten !rand, she said( & said my plastic ooe cost me two'5fty rand'new( She said, "Oh )oratio, thats just awful(" We learned to make doule reeds with amoo cane and colored thread( We shaped them with 6itry knives and a strai!ht ed!e( & practiced for si2 hours every day( 3here was nothin! else to do( & played #arcello, 6ivaldi or 6erdi, ecause &talians knew how to make somethin! sound pretty with just a triad and some trills( 7ut & was terrile( "0ela2 your wrists" #r( 7lund would say durin! my lesson( "&f & see you use forked'/ a!ain, & will cut o your hands(" #r( 7lund said he was very respected in 7el!ium( #r( 7lund said he couldnt wait to !et out of this -od' forsaken penitentiary and tour with a real symphony( )e was ri!ht( 3he campus was stuck in a knot of trees. a row of cinderlock uildin!s and a performance hall shaped like a 8/O( 4very room on campus was sound proofed with synthetic pads and asestos( 4verywhere you went it felt like an asylum(
Juries were worse than 3he -on! Show( Show( *nyone *nyone could sit in and oer remarks aout intonation or timin!( * assoonist named 7arara #ushwater once stopped me in the middle of Wa!ner to tell me my retardation of the slurred note efore the cadence was ad( & said & didnt know there was such a thin! as !ood retardation, ut no one found it very funny( & said, "9ould you e more speci5c than ad:" She said no, that aout summed it up(
*ll 3he Nonsense of Suerin! 7ethany +eters will tell you aout the time her dau!hter crawled into the sewer pipe at the creek in the ackyard and came out the other end at the waste treatment plant speakin! in ton!ues( )er dau!hter was three years old at the time, and 7ethany says she has dysle2ia( 7ethany +eters will tell you aout how 9hrist came into her own life at a time when she considered prostitution( No one asks how she would have made such a livin! in +ickerel %ake, #ichi!an population ;,<=; where downtown is an aandoned strip mall hostin! weekend >ea markets where you can !et last years calendars at half'price ?people collect them for the pictures@( 7ethany +eters will tell you aout her 5rst encounter with the Aevil, at #orris Street near the +(O(, where the stopli!ht was a stop si!n in BCD<( She had her !roceries in a paper a!, and a carrot stick in her mouth, when the Aevil ?dis!uised as a house painter in overalls, with a dirty cler!y collar@ jaywalked from across the street and said, "#aam, can & orrow your spirit for a minute:" 7ethany +eters was as i! a woman then as she is now( She put her wei!ht forward and said, "No sir, & elieve & am redeemed y the lood of the %am," and she dropped her !roceries and slu!!ed him in the !ut( No one witnessed the event, ut #r( 3erry ?whod driven in from the farm for a Euick shave at Sams@ later found 7ethany >at on her ack on the cra cra!r !ras ass s y the the +(O( (O( )er )er !roc !roceri eries es were were all all over over the the stre street et.. a can can of evaporated milk, si2 packs of Nilla Wafers, and a jar of sweet pickled !in!er for her dau!hter, dau!hter, who was si2 at the time( 7ethany !ave !ave her testimony testimony the ne2t Sunday, and pastor 7o made her a church deaconess( She will tell you she always !ets what she prays for( for( She will tell you she is part of the royal priesthood of -od( She will tell you aout the time she came home from church and found a wolverine in her kitchen, eatin! the read iscuits shed made for the 9hristian womans Euiltin! ee( Shell tell you how she !ot him out. y shakin! her ceramic chimes from the patio, sin!in! the hymn, "9hrist is made the sure foundation," which scared him out the front door, since 7ethany +eters is tone deaf( deaf( She will tell you, without >inchin!, how her husand died1 she isnt sEueamish( sEueamish( She doesnt mind lood, other peoples peoples or her own( She will tell you he was found crushed y a snow plow, havin! passed out in a drift near the Autch Oven 7akery( )is ody was found in three eEual parts( )e was a contractor contractor and a !amler !amler and an alcoholic and sometimes sometimes he hit her in the face with his Sunday slippers( 7ethany told everyone this in open confession at church many years later( "&t really didnt hurt at all," she wept over the microphone( "7ut my spirit has never recovered(" 3he other memers crept
around her, layin! on their hands, prayin! for emotional healin!, reconciliation, and for 9hrists Euick return, which will destroy all the nonsense of suerin!, once and for all( 7ethany cried and cried( She will tell you she never cried so much as then( She will tell you she is dietin!, even thou!h she eats what she likes( She is a i! woman( )er ody is as wide as a water heater, and her reasts han! like lon! water alloons to her middle, concealed in a variety of calico dresses made at Joannes /arics( She will tell you she has a youn!er rother named -uy, a small man with a handsome space etween his two front teeth who is not a eliever( )e has een married three times, and now he runs a liEuor store in the 8(+( 7ethany will tell you that we are all held accountale for what we know, and that -od is merciful( She will not say much more aout it, thou!h( What she will tell you is this. her dau!hter !ot accepted to a state university after three years of community colle!e( She is studyin! criminal law, althou!h 7ethany was hopin! for somethin! less serious. )ome 4conomics, +hysical 3herapy, or reli!ious studies( She will tell you that her dau!hter is the apple of her eye, as 4lijah was the *pple of -ods eye( She will tell you she is !lad she didnt have oys, ecause oys !row up hatin! their mothers until they are adults, and then they overcompensate for the rest of their lives, callin! lon! distance on weekends, or sendin! !ift packets and coupons for hair conditioners in the mail( 7ethany +eters will tell you she would not trade motherhood for all the hair conditioners of the world( 7ethany will tell you aout Joshua and the attle of Jericho1 she will tell you Jesus drove seven demons out of #ary #a!dalene1 she will tell you the !enealo!y of Saul the 7enjamite, from memory1 she will tell you that #oses never said to +haraoh, "%et my +eople !o," ecause *aron did( She will tell you that Jesus last words were not "&t is 5nished," ut "& 5nally did it" She will tell you he died of dehydration, the most natural conseEuence( "Arink ei!ht !lasses a day," she will tell anyone she meets at the supermarket( She will tell you aout the aundance of mercy or the peace that passeth understandin!( She will tell you aout justi5cation throu!h !race and the atonement of sins( She will tell you she is happy to see you, and -od less( What 7ethany +eters wont tell you is that her mother was Jewish and her father was a soda salesman, with a head as ald as a aseall who spent his afternoons at the o'track ettin! depot in #uske!on( She wont tell you aout the time when she was four and her 8ncle Joe took o his clothes in front of her when !ettin! ready for the ath( She wont tell you aout the time in seventh !rade when she roke #elissa 7rickers nose with her physics noteook( She wont tell you she didnt start her period until she was si2teen( She never told anyone aout that( She never told anyone aout the time she stole money from her husand to uy a wrist watch with a compass, ecause shed always wanted to know where she was !oin!( She wont tell you she hates lack people, at least not in so many words( She wont tell you she prefers women in dresses and men in hats, or that she threw a 5t the day they let the !irls wear slacks in church( She wont tell you she is diaetic, and that she takes medication efore ed( She wont tell you she has a !un under the >ooroards in the pantry( She wont tell you aout her miscarria!e when she was twenty'seven or that she !ave it a name. %ily
0ose +eters( She will never tell you aout the time she cau!ht her dau!hter heavy pettin! on the ack porch with Jeremy Feyswater( She will never tell you aout the time she hit a doe with her husands Jeep, and acked up over it to put it out of its misery( She will never tell you that she hasnt shaved her le!s in si2teen years( She will never tell you how she lost her front teeth when her husand jaed her with his elow( She will never tell you she is sorry ut she doesnt have time to talk ri!ht now( *nd she will never tell you aout the two -erman Shepherds she keeps in the cellar, tied to the furnace with rope, their mouths shut with duct tape, or how she feeds them Olesons day old steaks and tomato juice, hittin! them with kindlin! or snappin! their sides with a hot wet ra!, nourishin! their tempers, and in the end times, when the world is one i! riot, she will loose them on the antichrist, once and for all(
9hristmas #ysteries of the 9hicken #cNu!!ets as 42plained y #acroiotic Star +eople and *unt )arrietGs #a!ic Ouija 7oard 3wo weeks efore 9hristmas, my parents read a pamphlet on the industriali$ation of food and told us from then on we would eat macroiotic( 3he ne2t day, my father showed us the menu for 9hristmas dinner. kale, 9hinese lettuce, Shiitake mushrooms, seaweed crackers and a tofu roast( & was ei!ht years old, my rother was nine, and my sisters were BH and BB( *ll we wanted was a 9harleston 9hew and a a! of 3wi$$lers( 7ut these were now o'limits( #y parents read somewhere that food colorin! in reakfast cereals promoted hyper'activity in children1 my mother served oatmeal and salty ran >akes with >a2seed( &f we e!!ed for sweetener, she !ave us sliced ananas( #y parents joined the natural food co'op and si!ned up for colon cleansin!s( We were no lon!er allowed soda pop, potato chips, fast food, or chewin! !um( #y mother told us that corn syrup caused cancer( I&tGs in everythin! she said, readin! from a can of spa!hetti sauce( Soon after that, she stopped shavin! her le!s( She stopped wearin! under!arments, ras, or anythin! acrylic( Our 9hristmas stockin!s had to e knit from sheepGs wool from Swit$erland( #y mother was convinced that tinsel was radioactive( #y father ou!ht hemp aseall caps and or!anic cotton dental >oss for stockin! stuers( We decorated the tree with or!anic popcorn and oran!e peels( #y father urned incense and read selections from Siddhartha, y )ermann )esse( *t ni!ht, & prayed to -od. +lease send me a candy ar +lease send me %ay 3ay( & wrote a desperate letter to Santa 9laus( IAear Santa. #y parents have ecome hippies( & donGt want !in!er !um and miso soup packets for 9hristmas( & donGt want eeGs wa2 hair treatment or a silica face mask from the hot sprin!s of &celand( & donGt want a home enema kit or a toothrush made from recycled newspapers( & just want some 9hicken #cNu!!ets( & !ot my wish( *fter 9hristmas dinner, my mother had an aller!ic reaction to the tofu roast( She had hot >ashes, her skin roke out in hives, and her throat swelled up( #y father >ipped throu!h the ook of homeopathic remedies and told her to suck on a stick of liEuorice root( &t didnGt do a thin!( )e told her to ite the rind of a !rapefruit( &t didnGt do a
thin!( )e 5nally took her to the hospital, where they pumped her stomach, and made her sleep ne2t to a man with dementia( 3he ne2t mornin!, when she came home, leary'eyed and white as a !host, my mother roke down and e!!ed for a milkshake from #cAonaldGs( #y father shru!!ed( We climed in the car and !ot 7i! #acs and 9hicken #cNu!!ets from the drive' thru( 3he followin! year, my parents read too many *nne 0ice novels and rou!ht home a!s of !arlic cloves for stockin! stuers( 3hey put up mirros in every room, just to e safe( #y father watched a 36 special on 9eltic myths and superstitions and decided to laminate four'leaf clovers and !ive them away as 9hristmas lanyards( )e encoura!ed us to wear them around our necks, like &A ta!s, to usher in !ood fortune( 4ach one had our name and a famous Euote from a James Joyce novel( #ine said. I)i #y name is Sufjan( )istory is a ni!htmare from which & am tryin! to awake( When my mother accidentally roke the mirror in the coat closet, she made us each wear a lucky raitGs foot on our elt loops( 7ut on New YearGs Aay, my oldest sister roke her arm sleddin! down the hillside !ardens and my father was laid o from his jo at the state park( * few weeks later, our do! was run over y a snowplow and my mother said enou!h is enou!h( She asked that we !ive ack the raitGs foot key chain and the lucky wheat penny and the yin yan! talisman racelets and the four'leaf clovers( She urned them in the wood stove( #y father took out a life insurance policy and started uyin! lottery tickets and my mother used the !arlic cloves in her e!! frittata( * few years later, everyone was talkin! aout the 9hristmas lunar eclipse( #y parents considered this rare celestial phenomenon an important si!n( 3hey had e!un to prescrie to the notion that they were IStar +eople, space aliens from another planet temporarily inhaitin! human odies( 3here were millions of Star +eople on earth waitin! for the 8niversal +ower Source to end all the nonsense of war and suerin! once and for all( 3here was a paperack ook freEuentin! our kitchen countertops ?*re You a Star +eople: *m & a Star +eople: 7y 9urtis %eopard@ with illustrations of crystal shapes, interplanetary ojects, illuminated faces with concentric eyes and 5rst'person accounts of past life e2periences on other planets( 3here was a description of one man, a short'order cook named -arth from 9leveland, who recalled havin! once een a #artian kin! with a harem( Santa 9laus, the ook claimed, was a Star +erson with intimacy' displacement issues( )e went around !ivin! !ifts ecause he wasnGt shown enou!h aection y his space mother( #y own mother was certain that, in another life, on another planet, she had een a witch( She pointed out residuals. her proclivity for sweepin! the >oor with a medieval'like room she had ou!ht at an antiEue shop1 she also claimed to possess the powers of telekinesis( We had yet to see her move anythin!, not even our diselief( #y motherGs evidence was an inventory of rhetorical Euestions( I)ave you ever felt out of touch: she read from the ook cover( I)ave you ever felt restless and homesick for no apparent reason: She pointed out other symptoms. acne, headaches, an interest in learnin! forei!n lan!ua!es( 3his made me worry( & had just started hi!h school and my face was reakin! out, little ruddy patches around the >at face of my chin, where & was startin! to !row stule( & was
also takin! 5rst year -erman( #y mother !ave me a look over her readin! !lasses( IYou seem to 5t the ill, she said( IAo you ever !et mi!raines: /or 9hristmas that year, & !ot a copy of 0ay 7raduryGs #artian 9hronicles and a telescope from Sears, ut it was too overcast to see anythin! throu!h it, not even the lunar eclipse( 3hen there was the 9hristmas when *unt )arriet !ot divorced and moved in with us for a few weeks( #y parents put her up in the livin! room, in a cot ne2t to the 9hristmas tree( IAonGt other *unt )arriet, my mother warned us( IShe is !oin! throu!h menopause( & was only seven years old1 & thou!ht menopause was somethin! like a very lon! vacation you take when you have een workin! too hard( I3hatGs aout ri!ht, my mother said( I7ut maye keep that to yourself( *unt )arriet smoked un5ltered ci!arettes and read 6o!ue ma!a$ines cover to cover( *t ni!ht, after a few drinks, she would call us to the livin! room and pull out the Ouija oard, which she used for spiritual !uidance( We all circled around her, me and my rother and sisters, touchin! our 5n!ertips to the heart'shaped pointer as if we were prayin! in church( *unt )arriet asked the spirits if there was life on other planets, was there any meanin! in life, was there hope for 4thiopians starvin! in the desert, who would e the ne2t president of the 8nited States of *merica: *fter each inEuiry, the pointer would seamlessly slip and slide, spellin! out ominous answers, and & felt my hands turn hot( I-o ahead and ask somethin!, *unt )arriet nud!ed me( & racked my rain, rumma!in! throu!h a catalo!ue of the worldGs mysteries, unanswered Euestions, the secrets of the universe( & decided on somethin! less !rand. IWhat will Santa 9laus !et me for 9hristmas: #y sisters snorted and snickered, rollin! their eyes, pokin! my !ut with their pointer 5n!er( ISanta 9laus doesnGt even e2ist they hollered, and ri!ht then all the powers of the Ouija oard had left us( On 9hristmas mornin!, our mother told us the news. *unt )arriet had packed up her suitcase and taken a us to 9anada, where she wanted to teach yo!a classes to disaled children( IShe is havin! a midlife crisis, my mother said, passin! out !ifts from under the tree( I-od help her *unt )arriet had left a few thin!s ne2t to her empty cot K a shoe o2 of New *!e crystals, a carton of ci!arettes and the Ouija oard, ent and frayed at the corners like a do!Gs toy( *fter presents, after 9hristmas dinner, and after our parents had !one to their rooms to read the newspaper, me and my rother and sisters tiptoed down to the livin! room and pulled out *unt )arrietGs thin!s( #y rother emptied the ci!arettes on the carpet and uilt a 9ivil War fortress out of them( #y sisters made earrin!s out of the crystals usin! sewin! thread and 5shhooks( When no one was lookin!, & took the Ouija oard to my room and propped it up on the pillows on my ed, concentratin! on the mysteries of the universe( IWill *unt )arriet e OF: & asked, restin! my 5n!ertips on the pointer( IWill she ever remarry: Will she 5nd peace and happiness: &s there any meanin! in life: Slowly, the pointer tremled awake, inchin! over the alphaet like a slow'motion hockey puck( IYes, yes, yes, the oard assured me after each Euestion( I4verythin! will e just 5ne
9hristmas 3ue Socks 9hristmas was a time of terrile e2pectation, durin! which, for one week prior to the fateful day, our family was con5ned to the claustrophoia of our winteri$ed home, forced to Ispend time to!ether( /or a family who mi2ed like vine!ar and akin! soda, this was a cosmic looper( #y silin!s and & were out of school for two weeks, ut, unlike summer vacation, ?with the various distractions of summer camp and summer jos@, durin! 9hristmas reak, we were snowed in on all sides, cooped up in small, poorly insulated rooms, and forced, y our father, into the manual laor of household chores. haulin! wood, sweepin! the stairs, pickin! >eas from our do! Sarah( 3his was his version of /amily 3ime( #y father survived the holidays throu!h work, takin! on multiple jos, doule shifts, or implementin! odd, complicated, time'consumin! chores around the house, such as shovelin! two'lane walkways in the snow in the yard, and an escape route to the creek out ack, in case of an emer!ency( )e joined civic clus, ecame a volunteer 5reman, attended multiple self' help !roups, anythin! to keep his mind away from the notion that his family was, in fact, a messy, fussy, dysfunctional mena!erie of mis5ts( *s for his children, con5ned inside, reathin! recycled air K we fou!ht all day( #y sisters, havin! more prep time in the athroom in the mornin!s, hissed and yelled over hair !els and curin! irons( IAid you eat my lipstick: IAid you reak my nail 5le: #y older rother and & would 5nd ourselves writhin!, itin!, and wrestlin! under the 9hristmas tree, overturnin! ookcases, 36 stands and sofa chairs( #y father would jump in, separate us, !ive us a slap on the face and ask. IWhat are you 5!htin! aout: We could never rememer( 4ach year, our mother carried the impossile urden of makin! 9hristmas Ispectacular, and this often threw her into a psycholo!ical state of mind one could descrie, in medical terms, as temporary insanity( She spent money she didnGt have, lots of money, ima!inary money, money ased on speculation, future jos, hopes and dreams, the kind of money promised y lottery tickets and *mway( )er motives, perhaps, were !ood. who could lame a motherGs desire to make 9hristmas perfect for an otherwise imperfect family( 7ut the results, over time, were incriminatin!( 9redit cards en!or!ed and then i!nored, ounced checks, money orrowed from distant relatives, !reat !randfathers, ne2t'door nei!hors, train sets and suit coats and wool vests from J( 9( +enney put on lay'away, sometimes for years( She rou!ht home elaorate 9hristmas wreaths, scented candle sets, music o2es, decorative 9hristmas plates with 4lvis, -ene Felly, and Winona 0yder, desi!ner snow suits, a family too!!an, a Saint 7ernard, a Jeep 9herokee( 4ach item rou!ht home, whether i! or small, i!nited, etween our parents, complicated, colossal disputes as epic as the attles of the Odyssey or the &liad, Often resultin! in e!! salad smeared all over the ay window or pots and pans thrown aout the kitchen with the pa!eantry of a 3e2as hi!h school marchin! and( &n the most heated of ar!uments, our mother would run to the tree, !ra an inconseEuential !ift ?reath mints, a paper kite, a !ift certi5cate@, and throw it in the wood stove K an impulsive, spiteful, and ?most likely@ cathartic !esture( She would stand over the >ames like a hi!h priest makin! a sacri5ce, countin! down ackwards, from
ten to one, reathin! deeply etween each numer, ruminatin! on the incineration of an unopened present( &t must have een metaphor for somethin! deeper( 7ut what: *nd this is where & e!an to really hate 9hristmas( One year, when it snowed =; inches in two days, and my sister started her period, and my mother rou!ht home si2teen pounds of discount jumo shrimp from Wal' #art, and my father reminded her that he was aller!ic to shell5sh and his face would swell up, and our do! chewed up the 4ncyclopedia 7ritannica, and our cousin called and said that *unt Josie had died in her sleep and my mother started to cry and declared 9hristmas was cancelled( 3hen she stomped over to the tree, !raed the 5rst !ift she could 5nd and threw it in the wood stove with a Euick >ick of her wrist, like swattin! a >y( I3here, itGs done, she said( I& feel much etter( 7ut the !ift she chose happened to e a si2'pack of ordinary tue socks, wrapped in plastic( Which & had ou!ht as a peace oerin! for my rother( ?3he week efore, &Gd cut the toes to all of his socks K usin! my motherGs !ood sewin! scissors K after heGd told all my friends at school that & still sucked my thum and slept with a 9are 7ear(@ I& paid !ood money for those & told her( IOh dear, my mother said, steppin! ack from the stove( 7ut it was too late( 3hey were cheap, acrylic, dollar'store tue socks, manufactured in 9hina, spun out of pliale man'made materials, synthetic 5ers, which, when urned, e!an to melt, oo$e, liEuefy, and ule over, tri!!ered, perhaps, y some e2traordinary and complicated chemical reaction( 3he smell was harrowin! K a dense, old, to2ic aroma, the Smell of Aeath ?as we later called it@ which, when metaoli$ed in the !loomy atmosphere of our home, spread from room to room in a no2ious smoky ha$e, liltin! under doorways and air vents with the speed and a!ility of hot lava( We were ein! suocated in our own house( #y mother ran out the front door1 & found the nearest window( IWhat is that smell: #y sister screamed from her edroom( I3he Smell of Aeath &t forced everyone else in the house to immediately aandon his or her particular private tasks ?for my sister, it was nail polish remover, for my rother, a home'made 5re om heGd een uildin! under his ed@ and seek immediate e!ress outdoors( We met in the winter ma$e of the driveway, feet stampin!, shoulders shudderin!, tsk tskin! each other, inhalin! the icy air of a li$$ard, watchin! our father leap around inside, levera!in! windows, proppin! doors, fannin! the smoke and fumes with a folded newspaper( I-ood !oin! my sister rolled her eyes( INe2t time, uy cotton, my mother su!!ested( IWhy is this my fault: & wondered( I7ecause youGre a cheap'o, my rother said, jain! my collarone( & kicked snow in his face and he punched my ear and my sister screamed
ecause she lost an earrin! and my mother started countin! ackwards from ten to one, mumlin! prayers under her reath( &t took forty'5ve minutes for the air to clear, and even then, after weGd returned to the chilly reaches of our rooms, there was the faint smell of urnt tue socks lurkin! etween the walls, ehind doors, nestled in the window curtains and in the ath towels and in the hair on our heads( &t stuck around for weeks, months, years1 perhaps it never left us( 4ven today, whether &Gm at home in 7rooklyn or in some distant 4ast *sian country, 9hristmas still leaves a plastic taste in my mouth, a to2ic residue that reminds me of tue socks( &s it any wonder then, that after years of endurin! the Stevens /amily 9hristmas 9risis, & !rew to despise the )olidays with the kind of deep antipathy one usually reserves for thin!s like racism and terrorism and corporate fraud: 3he si!ht of Santa 9laus at shoppin! malls, the scent of candy canes, the insipid sin!in! of carols K these thin!s roused in me a silent, sardonic, patroni$in! jud!ment a!ainst all of Western 9ivili$ation( *t some point, perhaps my second year in colle!e, +hilosophy BHB, & decided that 9hristmas was a social construct, alon! with datin!, fast food, and the Super 7owl( & made a point of not comin! home for the )olidays( & would have 9hristmas on my own, entrenched in my readin!. 0umi poems, Aescartes, the 3ietan 7ook of the Aead, *yn 0and( #y 5rst 9hristmas alone was in a dorm room( #y second 9hristmas alone was at a )oliday &nn( #y third 9hristmas alone was spent in a dirty little apartment in 7loom5eld, New Jersey, a turkey pot pie in the microwave, Jeopardy re'runs on 36, Simon and -arfunkel on the stereo( & am a 0ock( & am an &sland( #y sister called to say, IWhy arenGt you comin! home anymore: 7ecause, & told her, our mother is a 9hristmas +irate and our father puts duct tape on his slippers, and the Siamese cat throwin! up pine needles all over -randmaGs !in!erread house is not my idea of a family tradition( 7ecause if & have to carry another load of wood up those stairs & will 5le a child laor lawsuit( 7ecause 9hristmas is for sentimental psychopaths and if we continue celeratin! it we will all spend our !olden years in a mental hospital eatin! canned peas with a spork( #y sister told me & was irrational and deluded, ut very ima!inative and perhaps & should write a novel( 3hat was a !ood idea, & told her( So & tried( *nd failed( *nd tried and failed( I0even!e of the 9hristmas +irate, y Sufjan Stevens( I3hat Was the Worst 9hristmas 4ver, y Sufjan Stevens( & read some of it out loud to my sister, over the phone( I& like the part aout the dead sEuirrel wrapped in tissue paper that Aad !ave as a stockin! stuer, she said( I7ut you know that never actually happened( IYes it did, & insisted( I4verythin!Gs one'hundred percent accurate( IYou need therapy, my sister said( IOr a !irlfriend( 7ut what & really needed was time K the slow, immeasurale convalescence that comes with !ettin! older, wiser, more mature, and to withstand the intellectual conditionin! of colle!e and !raduate, the
automation of oLce jos, numerous cuicles, desk'top pulishin!, the mornin! commute, failed romantic relationships, a nervous reakdown, a death in the family, a root canal, unemployment, a recurrin! cold sore, weekends slouched over the classi5eds, wonderin! how & would pay o my credit card det( Over time, in the midst of everyday life, & completely for!ot all aout 9hristmas and how & hated it(
*nd this is how & came to love 9hristmas( 3hrou!h the re!ular household task of makin! pancakes( &t was a time in my life in which all e2traordinary privile!es had een ri!orously swept away, leavin! ehind nothin! more than the naked underlay of loneliness( & was unemployed, unshaven, livin! in a closet in a friendGs apartment in 7rooklyn, delinEuent on my student loans, eatin! day'old potato read, 0amen noodles, and on this particularly apathetic mornin! in dearly Aecemer, & was ruminatin! on the dietary constituents of *unt Jemima pancakes K the cheapest of mornin! reakfasts ?you just add water@( & had accidentally left a spatula on the stove with the urner on hi!h, and, within seconds, the whole thin! went up in >ames with a drippin!, oo$in!, pun!ent, chemical eruption like a ad hi!h school science project( & hustled to the rescue, dousin! the >ames with a neary !lass of milk, suocatin! what was left of the spatula with a dirty dishra! ?oh the trials of achelorhood@( 7ut the residual smell ?a plastic, to2ic, peppery aftertaste@ was irrefutale and all too familiar K the smell of urnt tue socks( *nd, for some odd reason, this sin!ular smell sent me into a tra!ic'comic'sentimental shock that was simultaneously mundane and supernatural( & was havin! an epiphany( & did not jump up in with ecstatic salutations, shout I4ureka or levitate like a phantom !host( 7ut & was overcome with what & can only descrie as 3hat 9reepy 9hristmas /eelin!( 3his pertains to that prolon!ed, numin!, out'of'ody e2perience you often encounter after weeks consumin! e!! no!, mild chocolate candies, fruit salad, cranerry sauce, entertainin! family and friends, attendin! 9hristmas mass, trailla$in! superstores for discount appliances, re!ur!itatin! small talk to second cousins, deconstructin! the rhyme schemes on holiday !reetin! cards, cuttin! out coupons, watchin! animated 9hristmas cartoons on 36, havin! an aller!ic reaction to pine cones, reakin! out in hives, and spendin! New Years Aay in the emer!ency room with everyone too hun! over to visit you( 3he muddy plastic malodor from a melted spatula ?promptin! that conseEuential memory of tue socks@ induced all of this at once K like a dru! overdose( 3hey say that smells persuade memory more vividly than pictures or sound, that our olfactory system carries with it a catalo! of sensory data that can, when stimulated, call to mind entire memories, histories, events, all kinds of valuale information once thou!ht for!otten( What came over me was not just the inconseEuential stench of footwear thrown in the 5re, ut a complete recollection of important events in my life, the !ood and the ad, the lessin!s and misfortunes, and inventory of calamities and a re!ister of lucky reaks, 5st 5!hts, ear hu!s, overturned *dvent candles, di!ital wrist watches, chimney 5res, ruy earrin!s, lue jeans, tennis shoes, mistletoe, my 5rst kiss( *nd with all these thin!s & came to comprehend the
formation of !enealo!ies, family histories, a !enetic superstructure that could e used descrie K in microcosmic terms K the order of the universe( *nd at the very center of the universe & saw the 9hrist 9hild, an infant ay, helplessly cryin!, wrapped in swaddlin! clothes, lyin! in the man!er, tremlin! and sucklin! and cooin! and urpin! and cryin! and lau!hin! and !i!!lin! and spittin! up reast milk all over the place( 3his was the mysterious incarnation of -od, who came to +lanet 4arth not as a Aivine Warrior or a Supernatural Sorcerer or an *rmy of *lien *ndroids, ut as a helpless neworn ay, proaly not much i!!er than a si2 pack of acrylic tue socks( Or maye a twelve pack(
WhatGs in a Name: *fter a few years movin! in and out of various towns, reli!ious cults, faddish diets, etc(, my parents 5nally sat me down and apolo!i$ed for the weird name they !ave me( IWe were out of our minds they admitted( IWe didnGt know what we were thinkin! 3o make up for it, they said, & could chan!e my name to anythin! & wanted( *nythin! at all( Somethin! familiar, normal, *merican, easy'to'spell, perhaps: &t was totally up to me( What democracy What fun & scanned the possiilities. 7enjamin, Jason, Aerek, 9had( 4ndlessly deli!htful, perfectly ordinary candidates & was !iven a week to decide, and a WesterGs dictionary( & scaven!ed for somethin! conventional, conservative, and concise. 9alvin, 9olin, Jeremy, Fenneth( & was drawn to the monosyllales of 7o, 0o, Aon, John, Airk, 9had, and 9huck( Oh 3o e summoned with one simple, sin!le'syllale sound of the 4n!lish lan!ua!e( Aave #att #ike +at +ete +aul No more spitalls ehind the ears and !ettin! my li!hts punched out ehind the du!outs( No more di$$yin! taunts and esoteric rhyme schemes at recess( No more pokes in the ris and jokes in the locker room( & was !oin! to e just like 9arl and Scott and Steve and 0ick and -ordon and *aron and all those other handy'dandy factory pre' made key'chain'name'ta!'utton'shot'!lass'sticker'!reetin!'card names you 5nd at !as stations 7ut after a week of 5tful sleep, dreamscapes and ni!htmares of lists and catalo!s, the constant fretful consideration of nomenclature, etymolo!ies, ancestries, astrolo!ies, and the like, & came up with asolute $ilch Nothin! sounded Euite ri!ht( Nothin! sounded personal( Nothin! looked me ri!ht in the eye and said, I)ey you with the uck teeth and the feathered hair and the stitches in your lip and the corduroys ti!ht'rolled in your tue socks, here & am, 5rst name, middle name, last name, &Gm all yours Nothin! What a cosmic tra!edy What a waste of fate #y parents were aMed. how could their mouthy, precocious, spiteful youn!est child pass up such an opportunity: & shru!!ed my shoulders and resi!ned myself to the same silly forei!n name, a seEuence of odd letters stitched to!ether like a cra$y Euilt, easily misspelled, misread, mispronounced, teased and sEuee$ed and tickled and jaed at durin! recess, alon! with Nataki the lack !irl ?my 5rst kiss@, Opie the foster kid ?who died in a car crash@, and Fiki the Japanese oy ?who didnGt even speak 4n!lish ut we played marles durin! recess and communicated with our own form of si!n lan!ua!e@(
#y parents were confused, ut also a it relieved( 3hey later told me they didnGt really have the money ?evidently, name chan!es, like personali$ed license plates, come at a cost@( * few weeks later, our do! !ot hit y a snowplow and & for!ot all aout the prolem of names( 8ntil colle!e, when & learned to play the !uitar, and, as an e2ercise, started writin! son!s ?very poorly e2ecuted@ in the same way that )enry /ord produced the automoile. assemly'line'style( & wrote son!s for the days of the week ?poor #onday@( Son!s for the planets ?poor +luto@( Son!s for the *postles ?poor Judas@( *nd, 5nally, when all else failed, & started a series of son!s for names( Ode to Sarah ?in D@( 9laraGs &rish Ji!( 3he allad of 7enjamin, the earded one ?in rounds@( 3he jumpy Jason numer, the walt$ for Walter, SusanGs smooth ja$$( 4ach piece was a rhetorical, philosophical, musical rumination on all the possile names & had entertained years efore when my parents had !iven me the one chance to chan!e my own( Oh fates & san! these son!s in the privacy of my dorm room, ehind closed doors, pillows and cushions stued in the air vents so no one would hear( *nd then & almost failed %atin class, my !rades plummeted, my social life dissolved into pin! pon! tournaments in the residence halls, and, !radually, my interest in music ?or anythin! divine, creative, fruitful, enrichin!@ completely waned( & turned to eer( *nd ci!arettes( *nd 36 sitcoms( *nd candy ars( Oh well * perfectly !ood youth wasted on junk food 3hat is, until a few months a!o, when & came across some of the old name son!s, stued onto tape cassettes, P'track recorders, for!otten o2es, for!otten shelves, for!otten hard drives( &t was like 5ndin! an old diary, or a hi!h school yearook, senior picture with lens >are and pockmarks, sli!htly cute and emarrassin!( What was & thinkin!: 3he son! for #ary was seventeen minutes lon!, with ten key chan!es( 3he son! for 9hris was also called Son! for 9ross'4yes( #y older self, !lancin! ack over simple chords and ha$ardous poetry, likes to think &Gm older, wiser, more mature, more eloEuent, more artful, more poi!nant, more contemporary( 7ut thatGs unfair( 3he concept has chan!ed ut the approach has always een the same. to ecome so completely entrenched in somethin! that it ecomes a !reat i! clumsy mummy out5t wrapped around all arms and le!s. a metaphysical form of suocation( Sure, ack then, & was youn!, naQve, unenli!htened, untraveled, virtuous, !ood'natured, and always on time( 7ut the world of youth was where & tried on new ideas, new out5ts, new names, and new rhyme schemesR'a world where the anjo was my journal, where So5a 9oppola was my ima!inary con5dant, and where sin!in! out of tune was perfectly OF
3he )orror &n *ll Of 8s * few of my favorite horror?ile@ 5lms( & !rew up on horror 5lms( & saw 3he 42orcist when & was 5ve( * year later, AisneyGs 3he 7lack )ole struck me as li!ht fare, even thou!h my older rother left the theater cryin!( #y father once rou!ht home a 6)S rental of Aay of the Aead and we watched it twice, eatin! take'out 9hinese( * few
weeks later it was 0idley ScottGs *lien, then Aead 9alm, then 3he Shinin!( &t didnGt phase me one it( & never had ni!htmares( &n my ima!inary television show, 6incent +rice was the host, Aavid 9ronenur! was the director, and /reddy Freu!er played the lead( &Gve watched so much !ore that modern horror 5lms look farcical( &Gm no lon!er a fan of the teena!e slasher( &tGs not scary anymore( &tGs just messy and tedious( #ore recently, &Gve e!un to uncover elements of horror in everyday life( 3he cockroach nestin! under the sink( 3he metronome click of the radiator in the corner( 3he old woman in her chair on the street ne2t door, who is always askin! for chan!e( &n the same way, some horror 5lms arenGt horror 5lms at all( 7ut they evoke a particular kind of consternation that settles under your skin like the >u( You can feel the palpitations of your heart in your ears( )ere is a list of a few my favorites. B( Ni!ht of the %ivin! AeadR3his is an ovious choice( 7ad actin!, cheap make'up, and clumsy camera work actually contriute to the overall panic aect( &tGs so unscripted it e!ins to feel real( 3he still frame seEuence at the end, when they urn all the odies ?with its !enocidal overtones@Rthat still makes me sick to my stomach( ;( AecasiaR3his is a 5lm that compiles all kinds of old 5lm foota!e worn away y the elements, creatin! a !hastly composition of ima!es that slowly reak apart( 3he visual distortions create a urnin!, meltin! sensation, evokin! the sense that all of life, and art, and culture, and society, the ori!ins of lan!ua!e, everythin!Ryou, meKwill eventually e cremated in the 5res of time, whatever that means( #ichael -ordonGs soundtrack is eEually scaryRa !rowlin!, swirlin! dir!e, the sound of a !reat orchestra forced to play with ad intonation for PH minutes strai!ht( &tGs a !reat horror 5lm for a lind date ( *n &nconvenient 3ruthR& couldnGt sleep for days( #eltin! ice caps, recedin! !laciers, New York 9ity sumer!ed in water, *l -ore and his !ruesome pie charts( )eGs like Aarth 6ader armed with a +ower +oint presentation( Yikes( P( 4raserheadR&tGs an art 5lm, horror 5lm, student 5lm, philosophy 5lm, whatever you call it( & like to think of it as the only horror 5lm that doules as a form of irth control( <( )ell )ouseRa clear, concise, empathetic documentation of an evan!elical churchGs tireless undertakin! in constructin! a theatrical )aunted )ouseRin which dierent rooms act as sta!e sets where church memers play out life or death scenarios meant to scare unsuspectin! viewers into repentance( &tGs not e2actly a horror 5lm, of course( 7ut itGs horrifyin! in that other kind of way, in which ordinary people e!in to ehave in e2traordinary ways so that all lo!ic is turned on its head and you e!in to worry that we are very near the end of civili$ation( ( -len or -lenda:R&f you thou!ht +lan C was ad, this one is the !rand pri2e of 'rate movie makin!( WhatGs more horrifyin! than alien invasion: 9omin! home from the eauty salon and 5ndin! your husand in dra!( 3o e fair, 4d Wood looks !ood in an!ora( Who doesnGt: WhatGs really horrifyin! ?in that sad, scary kind of way@ is 7ela %u!osiGs ramlin!, medicated monolo!ue
aout the meanin!less trajectory of life( I+ull the strin! )e chants to the camera, like a mad puppeteer *nd what aout that free ja$$ numer with the devil dancin! around on the couch: What does that have to do with cross'dressin!: Or puppets: Who cares Oscars all around
Michigan Stories
6itoGs Ordination Son! We have een known from the very start( Our eye color, our hairline, our jawline, the shape of our i! toe, the tone of our voice( 3hese thin!s have een desi!ned from the very e!innin!( What kind of music we listen to( 3he sort of skirt that looks !ood( 3he sort of cap that 5ts ri!ht( We have een made to 5nd these thin!s for ourselves and take them in as ours, like adopted children. haits, hoies, idiosyncrasies, !estures, moods, tastes, tendencies, worries( We are all these thin!s( 3hey have een put in us for !ood measure( +erhaps we donGt like what we see. our shapeless hair, our loss of hair, our shoe si$e, our dimples, our knuckles too i!, our eatin! haits, our disposition( We have disclosed these thin!s in secret, likes and dislikes, ehind doors with locks, our lonely rooms, our messy desks, our empty hearts, our sudden ursts of ener!y, our sudden outs of depression( AonGt worry( +ut away your mirrors and your eauty ma!a$ines and your ooks on tape( 3here is someone ri!ht here who knows you more than you do, who is makin! room on the couch, who is 52in! a meal, who is puttin! on your favorite record, who is listenin! intently to what you have to say, who is standin! there with you, face to face, hand to hand, eye to eye, mouth to mouth( 3here is no space left uncovered(
0edford ?/or Yia'Yia T +appou@ 7less our !randfathers and !randmothers( 3he work of their odies, the work of their hands( 3he homes they uilt, the swimmin! pools and picture frames and wa2 candles and 9hristmas decorations put in the window( 7less their children and their !randchildren, the small faces, the hard faces, the frowns and eyerows, the hair raids and aprons and !ifts wrapped in newspaper( 7less their usiness and their sleep( 3heir laor, their watchin! of 36, their owls of peanut shells and oran!e rinds and red !rapes washed with water( 7less the omelettes and the ci!arettes and the scotch in the free$er, the money !iven away( +ut their hearts to rest, their spirits to rest( -ive them sleep( -ive them rest(
Oh -od, Where *re You Now: & am never satis5ed with just one thin!( 3here is one thin! and then another( #y life is occupied with worry after worry( 3he usiness of livin! complicated with projects, principles, 5nancial matters, ills, ta2es, son!s to write, stories to edit, friends to call, family to consider in prayer, letters, lottery tickets, !ara!e days, the landlordGs voice mail, work, doctors, astrolo!ers,
ike messen!ers, e2ercise, eatin!, drinkin!, ook desi!n, door locks, indi!estion, parkin! tickets( 3hese thin!s have set themselves on me like a i! denim jacket( & am heavy with the si!ns of death( & am heavy with the work of the world that is death( & am not !oin! to make it to the end( & have een put aside y the !reat i! arm of -od( )e has !one somewhere else, in a dierent country, in a dierent lan!ua!e( & have walked all over the state, town to town, city to city, in search of meanin!( 3he empty lo!!in! camps, the polluted rivers, the vacant parkin! lots, the urned out uildin!s, the rid!es collapsed, the dysfunctional families, the potholes, the >at tires, the city ta2es( 3hen there is the devil, with his convincin! opinions, his euphemisms, his friendly chatter, his considerale presence( When all else has left you, he is waitin!. patient, Euiet, informed, !ood lookin!, articulate( & like this !uy( )e looks like me( )e talks like me( We a!ree on everythin!( We eat the same foods( We watch the same movies( We think the same thou!hts( We are e2actly the same person(
3hey *lso #ourn Who Ao Not Wear 7lack ?/or 3he )omeless &n #uske!on@ 9hildren mourners must wear pleated pants or skirts and must not speak loudly indoors for two weeks( 3here is to e no talkin! durin! meals, and hands must always e folded in laps in the sittin! room for si2 days( +ets must e taken to the shelter, or stored out of si!ht, for a month( Siamese cats are acceptale as lon! as there is no sheddin!( 3here will e no drinkin! of caronated evera!es for ei!ht weeks( 3he ne2t of kin wear lack, lon! sleeves, cardi!an or wool, and a veil tied at the ankle with a lack rion( Shoes with heels are to e avoided( * paper armand is optional( * lack shawl must e worn y the widow for seven moths, after which a dark lue or !reen one of the same variety is permissile( +arents of the deceased are to speak softly and in complete sentences( 3hey are to arran!e the viewin!, the visitors runch, accommodations for the priest( 3hank you notes should e written no later than seven days followin!( #ourners are reEuired to oserve the appropriate dress colors, as follows. #others and dau!hters. lack( /athers and sons. lack or dark !ray( -randfathers. maroon( -randmothers. ei!e( Second cousins are permitted to wear summer colors( -reat uncles. lack( 9lose friends may !o either way( %oved ones who are not ale to attend the viewin! may wear what they like( 3hose unrelated, or uninvited, are permitted to wear comfortale, loose'5ttin! clothes, cotton slacks, a tank top, a tunic, or o2ers, perhaps( Just try to e yourself(
Sleepin! 7ear, Sault Saint #arie %on! a!o a !reat famine spread over the land( * mother ear and two famished cus walked the shore on Wisconsin, !a$in! across the !reat lake at #ichi!an, the land of plenty( /inally hun!er overcame their timidness and the ears launched out, to swim to #ichi!an( *s they approached the shore, the motherGs words of encoura!ement ur!ed on the weary cus( With only
twelve miles to !o, the motherGs heart was rent as she saw one cu sink and drown( She stru!!led to !ain the each with the remainin! cu ehind her( *fter two miles of slow dra!!in!, the second of her eloved cus also perished( 3he mother reached the each, alone, and crept to a restin! place where she lay down facin! the restless waters that covered her lost ones( *s she !a$ed, two islands rose to mark the !raves of the cus( 3he -reat Spirit #anitou created these two islands ?North and South@ to mark the spot where the cus disappeared( 3he -reat Spirit also shaped a solitary dune to represent the faithful mother ear, where she remains today, watchin! the waters(
*lanson, 9rooked 0iver We would steal Euarters from our dadGs pants pockets and !o down to *ndyGs to uy 9harleston 9hews and %ay 3ay, which would cost 5ve cents a piece( &f there was no chan!e, we took ack cans of pop( You could uy a pack of !um with two cans( 7oy would play pretend WW/ at the andstand in the park, doin! choreo!raphed ody slams, pinnin! himself down under the ima!inary wei!ht of )ulk )o!an, who was the only wrestler & reco!ni$ed y name( We didnGt watch 36 at our house, e2cept 3he Smurfs on Saturdays and #36 the one time we hooked up cale ille!ally( /or a year, the swin! rid!e was out of service( Someone spray'painted IUilwaukee Jr( under the railin!s( 3his made it in the papers( One time my rother !ot his le! stuck in the docks( )e said he was u! huntin!( )e said he chased a preyin! mantis to end of the pier and fell throu!h( )e was pinched etween two planks of wood( &t started to rain, then it started to hail( )e dropped our sisterGs insect !uide in the river, for which he apolo!i$ed later( 3hen he started to yell( 3he 5remen had to come and chop him out with an a2( 3hey rou!ht him home naked, shiverin!, wrapped in a wool throw, his lips ice'cream white( 3here was also the time one of our trees !ot stuck y li!htnin!( #y little rother saw it happen from ehind the screen door( We spent the ne2t day pullin! splinters out of the !round( 3he papers came and took our dadGs picture( When our do! it our oss we had to put it to sleep( Our mother cried all day( Sherry and & picked wild peppermint at the creek and made tea( Sometimes we played tennis( 4ven thou!h she was in my class, we never talked at school( She was in Special 4d( 3here was some kind of understandin!( We wouldnGt even make eye contact( 7ut after school, in the park, or y the sand ar, we were est friends(
0omulus
Our parents do the est they can, under the circumstances( 3hey do what they can, and it is always the very est( WhoGs to say if you were not loved or touched( 3here was too much to do, there were too many children, too many meals to prepare, too many sheets to fold, too many socks to match, too many >oors to sweep( Oh the terrile urden, each of us doin! the very est we could( 3ry to ima!ine yourself in their shoes( %ivin! their lives, mowin! their lawns, han!in! their laundry, cleanin! their clothes, ar!uin! their ar!uments( You would do far worse( You would fail completely(
Aetroit, %ift 8p Your Weary )ead ?0euild 0estore 0econsider@ Oh Aetroit, you complicated old man, nearly dead, with your shoulders arched over the river, polluted and !rey, the threads of your shirt worn down with disease and car e2haust( You have !rown fat and thin with industry, car factories, #otown music, riots, raids, transportation ni!htmares( You have eaten 9oney do!s with relish and onion( You have uilt ma!ni5cent uildin!s only to urn them( Your childrenGs children have sEuandered their dowry( 3hey piss on the streets( 3hey throw trash in the trees and han! their laundry on ropes 5t for han!in!( Oh Aetroit, what have you done to the lack man, his wife and kids, his cousins, his music, his hairstyles, his shoes with white tips, his pleated pants, his elow slun! out the car window, his asketall courts, his oLcers downtown, his ni!htclu, his shirtsleeves tucked over a pack of +all #alls, his ima!ination, his industry, his sense of humor, his home:
Oh Aetroit, what have you done to city hall, the pulic trains, the workersG union, the 4astern #arket, 7olo &sland, the *massador 7rid!e: Where have you put your riches, where have you hid your treasure: Your concrete over'passes, your avenues as wide as rivers, your suurs loated with rick homes and strip malls and discount liEuor stores and resale shops( Where have you hid our !randmotherGs ukulele, the swimmin! pool out ack, the lawn chairs, the car seats wrapped in plastic: Where are the rain shakers and the asketall nets: Where are the full court presses, the sneakers tied to phone lines, the windows roken in, the cra$y old man on his porch yellin! profanities, the old woman with the *frican statues in the stairwell, the kids with ikes with >at tires, the stray cats and !uard do!s and prophylactics thrown in alleyways( Oh Aetroit, when you are dead and !one, who will care for your childrenGs children( 3hey have run wild with the astard oys around the streets, reckless car rides downtown, ri!orous dancin!, dru! takin!, knife'stain!, pillow'stuLn!, tail wa!!in! restlessness( 3hey have een drunk with this for years( 3hey have een out of their minds( 3hey have een left with nothin!(
)olland 3his was the summer it !ot so hot we put a fan in each window( *t ni!ht we teamed up with the +alestinian students and stole tulips from 9entennial
+ark( We used them as !arnishes. we arran!ed ouEuets on tale ends and desktops( We urned a wicker chair on the each at ni!ht( We cooked steaks and pork chops on sticks over the 5re( We went skinny'dippin!( We huddled under the towels( We told stories aout our fathers, aout our 5rst kiss, aout that one uncle who was always drunk at family reunions( We ou!ht !uitars and accordions and played them under lankets in the park( We tried to follow the Autch dancers( We mowed lawns and stole >a!s from construction sites and kissed on the lips at the drinkin! fountain( We drank 7ooneGs San!ria and cried and cried and cried on the couch( We sewed shirts for our friends, with decorative orders made from rions, with $ippers, with illowin! collars, with >oral patterns( Nothin! 5t ri!ht( We went around shirtless, even the skinny ones, even the fat ones, even the ones with terri5c arms and shoulders( We took our time talkin! thin!s out1 we listened carefully, with a serious look( We prayed( We read +aulGs letter to the 9orinthians( We tried very hard to understand this( We went to a church that was in 4n!lish and Spanish( We tried very hard to understand this( We made omelets on the weekends( We whittled wood( We knitted hats( We smoked ci!arettes( We !ave each other !ifts( 4laorate, handmade, complicated passive a!!ressive !ifts( We were afraid to e left ehind( We were afraid to e loved( We were afraid this would come to an end, as all thin!s do( We sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried(
3ahEuamenon /alls We went with 9assie to pick pine cones at the falls( She !ave us each a paper a! and cotton !loves( 3hese were the small cones, little urnt rose ud cones, from )emlock( We werenGt allowed to pick them o the tree( 3his would e stealin!, 9assie said( We were to pick them o the !round, and only the ones that were symmetrical, round, soft to the touch( %ook for lemishes and knots and deformities, 9assie said( 3here were thousands around us in certain places, clustered around each other like friends at school( & rememer thinkin! this ecause & had no friends at school( & wasnGt teased( & wasnGt disliked( 7ut there was somethin! aout me that kept people at armGs len!th( Sometimes !irls >irted, or left notes in my !ym a!, ut the oys went down to the &-* at lunch without invitin! me( 3hey planned sleep'overs and 5shin! trips and weekends snowmoilin! at the tree farm, ut & only heard aout these thin!s after the fact(
7ehind us, we could hear the falls mumlin! somethin!, movin! over rocks and moss and silt( 9assie told us that these trees produce cones only once every few years( 3his was a special occasion, she said, and she sprayed u! spray on our necks and on our arms( 9assieGs husand set up the tripod and took pictures, only of natural thin!s K stones, sky, trees, mushrooms, mold K never of people( /inally, 9assie had us line up on a lo! and pose, one after the other, and he took our picture too( When our a!s were full, we walked to a clearin! y the water and 9assie put down a sheet on the !rass and made our lunches. pastrami with mustard, lettuce, Swiss cheese, pumpernickel read, and potato chips( 3here were so many a!s of potato chips( She had two liters of /ay!o pop and plastic cups( We ate fast( We were always hun!ry then( 7ut 9assie knew how to enjoy her food( She would take o her sandals and roll up her sleeves to !et a little sun on her shoulders( She would close her eyes when she chewed, as if she was thinkin! aout somethin! important( She wore wicker hats, and re>ective sun!lasses and denim shorts( /or a few years, she was like a mother to me(
3he 8pper +eninsula 3here is the stran!e kid in seventh !rade who is two years older than everyone else( )e can !row a mustache( )e wears shoes without laces, his ack pocket stued with Skoal, and a sleeveless 3'shirt, even in the winter( )is name mi!ht e #ike Wi!!leshorts or Judd Uilowski or 0(9( 9ole( )e smokes etween classes( )e !rows a tail and raids it( One summer he sketches his !irlfriendGs pro5le on the ack of his hand with a nail 5le( &t leeds and scas over( 3his is what he does for fun( )e throws rocks at the swin! rid!e( )e makes dirty jokes aout the !ym teacher, who is overwei!ht( )e says she is a lesian( )e says her left oo is fake( 7y tenth !rade he is a father, !ets married to *ndrea Stillwater, Euits school, moves to the 8(+(, uys a trailer, starts workin! at the ait shop, countin! worms, or later, at the !as station, countin! out chan!e( &f anythin!, he can count( %ater, he steals from the re!ister, just a few ucks for eer or lottery tickets( )e uys ikin! ma!a$ines and leaves them around the toilet( )is wife likes to party( She !oes out to the ski resort to make eyes at the tourists in their ski oots( One ni!ht, he is left home alone with his kid, a oy( ?3hey named him 3errence( 3hey call him #r( 3 ecause he was orn with a mohawk and a harelip, and this !ives him a hard look( )e is not easy on the eyes, this kid(@ Now this time, his father looks at his son( )e !ets a real !ood look for the 5rst time( )e sees himself in his son, his own pointed ears, his short forehead, his lon! nose, his doule chin( & made this )e says to himself( & had a part in this 3his is my son Just then, his wife comes in( She smells of hot cocoa and a sport deodorant( She is drunk( She stumles with her purse( She is wearin! snow oots and a hat with ear>aps( She has a li!hter in each pocket( What are you lookin! at: she says( What are you lookin! at #r( 3 for: What is it:
)e pulls away the pillows and the ayGs lanket and the terry towels and the ay wipes( )e makes room for her on the couch, so she can !et a !ood look at their son( 7ut she doesnGt see it( She looks and shru!s and says she thinks she is startin! her period( 3wo years later, in the middle of the ni!ht, she will leave him, she will drive all ni!ht to her motherGs house in 9adillac( #r( 3 can talk and walk( )e knows a few cuss words( )e has *AA( )e is put on medication( )e !oes to speech therapy( She will start workin! at F'mart, doin! stock for womenGs clothin!( She mi!ht steal a tank top or a pair of sandals once in a while( She likes nice thin!s. nail polish and lip'!loss and doilies for the tale( She mi!ht chan!e her hair color( She mi!ht take a trip to /lorida( She is tired of these lon! winters(
Say Yes to #ch!an -ive it a chance 3he waterways and waterfalls 3he e!!plant farms and caa!e rows and two strikin! peninsulas orderin! four -reat %akes 3he sandy shorelines, the sprin!'fed rivers, the #ackinaw 7rid!e 7lissfest )enry /ord *pple farms 3ulip 3ime #otown music 3he people are !enerous, warm, out!oin!, helpful, industrious, sli!htly overwei!ht, ut always willin! to lend a hand( 3hey !ive clear directions to the interstate( 3here are no tollooths( 3here are only wide hi!hways and a =H'mph speed limit( )ave you een to /rankenmuth: 9hristmas in July: 3he 0enaissance /estival: 3he 0enaissance 9enter: )ave you harvested ayGs reath in aandoned lots: )ave you een on a three'wheeler, a snowmoile, a hydroplane ferry to 7eaver &sland: 3here are rainow trout and cat5sh, eaver dams, raccoons and lively sEuirrels takin! over colle!e campuses and university yards all across the landscape Say Y4S to the state that rou!ht you 9asey Fasem, Joe %ouis, and cars
/or 3he Widows &n +aradise, /or 3he /atherless &n Ypsilanti Who can call us father, who can call us son: &f we have re!arded ourselves aandoned y whatever thin! ?a person, a lover, a parent, a false prophet, ourselves@ then we have lost touch with the !reat family, ourselves, all of us to!ether, on this !reat place called +lanet 4arth( Who is your nei!hor: )e is your rother( Who is that stran!er: She is your mother( 3he man downstairs hammerin! on the wall, the woman low' dryin! her hair in the athroom down the hall K these people are your family( )ave you lost your mother to death: )ave you lost your father to disease, to war, to alcohol, dru!s, a car accident: Nothin! can replace them( 3hey have een made known completely in death, to whatever supernatural landscape ?who can say for sure:@( 8ntil then, it is our hard task to welcome the widows, the children, the orphans, the fatherless into our family( What little
eort it takes K a friendly nod at the stran!er on the street, !ivin! chan!e to the va!aond, sayin! hello or !oodye, openin! doors, keepin! our mouths shut( &n the small thin!s, the day'to'day !estures, the normal usiness of the day, we do the !reat work of the kin!dom, which is to welcome each unlikely individual into the fold, one person at a time(
*ll -ood Naysayers, Speak 8p Or /orever )old Your +eace &s it our jo to deliver justice to the world: &s it our work to make appeals, to holler, to raise our anners, our me!aphones and microphones and propa!anda posters: Well, yes( *t the very least, *mericans are entitled to their opinions, however unfavorale, unlikale, untrustworthy, or unsound( Somethin! must come of all this kickin! and yellin! and !enu>ectin! Where are the naysayers, the !o'!etters, the anta!oni$ers, the productive or!ani$ers: Where are the housewives and the church custodians and the street sweepers and the athroom cleaners: 3hese people, all of you, take up your seat on the platform that looks over the panorama of the entire world( 3his is your world, your nation, your community of workers What is the !oal of democracy ut to en!a!e the pronunciations of the people: Our platform is the one of service K in all thin!s, for all practical purposes, we re!ard the world as worthy of our care( Aid we for!et we are the -ood Stewards( We are the farmers, the market makers, the usinessmen, the astronauts, the dressmakers, the akers, the us drivers, the forei!n students, the sick'in'ed( *ll of us, puttin! one and one to!ether, each word attached to the ne2t, in one !re!arious sentence meant to pronounce all thin!s worthy of our love and our service 3ake up your >a!s and your posters and your folded >yers 3he streets are waitin! for your parades(
/lint ?/or 3he 8nemployed *nd 8nderpaid@ /or many years our family was aected y a procession of economic urdens. we lived in our !randfatherGs summer home without heat or insulation, ats lived in the walls, our father worked at the state park ?later, doin! construction, later, at Wal'#art@, there were si2 children, three !randchildren, a parade of pets and animals, mouths to feed( Our parents did the est they could with very little income and a few rolls of duct tape( &n the winter, the windows were sealed with plastic, the house was lined with wet wood, the upstairs nailed o with sheets and plywood( Sometimes we slept in one room ?after the chimney 5re@( Sometimes one of us slept in the hall ?there was much 5!htin! and ickerin! then@( Sometimes we oiled water for aths( Sometimes we shared ath water( & was the youn!est ?esides 9olin, who was the ay@1 & athed last, in lukewarm water as muddy as #iso soup( 7ut we always had food( #y father did the cookin!, the cleanin!, the laundry, the shoppin!( Our mother did the thinkin!( Our parents were an industrious pair, at the very least( 3hey mana!ed thin!s throu!h trial and error(
One week we were washin! dishes at the co'op( 3he ne2t week we were in *l'*non( One week we were eatin! #acroiotic( 3he ne2t week we were !iven food allowances. we would devise eatin! lists and do the shoppin! on our own( Years later, our parents put a lock on the refri!erator( IYou eat too much, our father said( I*ll of you are like one i! empty stomach( & cannot ima!ine the urden we put on our parents( We were always hun!ry, we were always cold( 3here was very little money1 there was so much work to do( We never lived in /lint, ut we had the capacity to empathi$e with its economic slump( 3he industrial scape!oat for the entire state, /lint has not !rown old with fortunate !randchildren(
