Praise for Happiness Now!
“If you could do just one thing that will immediately enrich your life and improve the world at large, it would be to take the advice of this book. I recommend it wholeheartedly!” — Paul Wilson, the author of The Little Book of Calm
“Happiness Now! offers a passport, map, and compass to true joy. It teaches us it is never too late to be happy and to recognize that happiness is actually our true state of being, our natural inheritance. This excellent book really can help you to transform your life.” — Je rry Jampolsk y, M.D. , the author of Love Is Lett ing Go of Fear
“Full of Robert Holden’s own anecdotes and humor, this book is about living in the moment, ‘being’ what you want, and allowing yourself rightful happiness. Happiness Now! sets the record straight on true happiness—go get it now.” — Stuart Wilde, the author of Life Was Never Meant to Be a Struggle “I think the most revolutionary act a person can commit today is to be — Tom Carpenter, the author of Dialogue on Awakeningpublicly happy. Robert’s new book offers great insight, encouragement, and vision on how to do just that. The idea is that happiness is not some prize that comes after lots of work, suffering, or sacrifice, but rather, happiness is a choice—a choice made with gratitude, love, and a desire to help others. Bless you, Robert, for your example and for your willingness to add to the dialogue!” — Patch Adams, M.D., the author of House Calls
“If you only buy one book on happiness in your life, then make it this one! Robert Holden’s profound work offers a ray of hope and a beautiful guiding vision for all who want to be happy, peaceful, and free.” — Jame s Twyman, the author of Emiss ary of Light
“Happiness Now! is a wonderful guide to living joyfully.” — Colin Turner, the author of The Eureka Principle
“Brilliant! Profound wisdom neatly packaged. Robert Holden’s Happiness Now! is a clearly written treatise of what most people consider a complex, unreachable goal. Happiness is our birthright. Robert puts it right!” — Eddie and Debbie Shapiro, the authors of Meditation for Inner Peace
“More than a ‘feel good’ guide, Happiness Now! offers a whole new way to see yourself and the world. It can bring more than a smile to your life!” — Tom Carpente r, th e au thor of Dialogue on Awak en ing
ALSO BY ROBERT HOLDEN,PH.D. Success Intelligence Shift Happens! Hello Happin ess Balancing Work & Life (with Ben Renshaw) Living Wonderfully Laughter: The Best Medicine Stress Busters What Number Are You? (with Lilla Bek)
Please visit Hay Hous e USA: www.hayhouse.com® Hay Hous e Aus tralia: www.hayhouse.com.au Hay House UK: www.hayhouse.co.uk Hay Hous e Sou th Africa: www.hayhouse.co.za Hay Hous e India: www.hayhouse.co.in
T imeless Wisdom for Feeling Good FAST
ROBERT HOLDEN,PH.D.
HAY HOUS E, INC. Carlsbad, California • New York City
London • Sydney • Johann esburg Vancouver • Hong Kong • New Delhi
Copyright © 1998 by Robert Holden Revised copyright © 2007
Published and distribu ted in the United S tates: Hay by House, Inc.:www.hayhouse.com• hayhouse.com.au •Published and distribut ed in t he United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd.:www.hayhouse.co.uk• Published and distribut ed in t he Republic of Sou th Africa : Hay by House SA (Pty), Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.za• Distribut ed in C anada by : Raincoast: www.raincoast.com• Published in India by : Hay House Publishers India:www.hayhouse.co.in All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private use—other than for "fair use" as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews—without prior written permission of the publisher. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.
First published in 1998 by Hodder & Stoughton, a division of Hodder Headline PLC, London: ISBN: 0 340 71308 9 Library of Congress Control Number: 2007932219 ISBN: 978-1-4019-2039-5
10 09 08 07 4 3 2 1 1st Hay House edition, October 2007
Printed in the United States of America
Dedicated to th ose who da re to sprinkle kindness, radiate love, an d scatter joy.
"No one who comes here but must still have hope, some lingering illusion, or some dream that there is something outsid e of himself that will bring hap piness and peace to him. If everything is in him this canno t be so. And therefore by his coming, he denies the truth abou t himself, and seeks for something more than everything , as if a part of it were separated off and foun d where all the rest of it is no t. This is th e purp ose he b estows upo n the bod y; that it seek for what he lack s, and give him what would make himself complete. And thus he wanders aimless ly about, in search of something tha t he ca nno t find, believing tha t he is wh at he is not." - A Course in Miracles
Contents Chapter 1: Happy Already! Chapter 2: Giving Up th e Search Chapter 3: Being Good Enough Chapter 4: Practici ng Accep tance Chapter 5: Living Unconditionally Chapter 6: Healing Unhappines s Chapter 7: Lots o f Love! Chapter 8: Traveling Light
Epil ogu e: There Is No Future Ack nowled gments Further Information a nd No tes About the Author
Author's Note: Every cas e histo ry in this boo k appears with th e approval of the peo ple involved. Names have been altered where requested.
CHAPTER 1 Happy Already! Picture th e following scen e: I am at my friend Jane's h ous e. It is midafternoon , and we are having tea. Jane and I are eng aged in a d eep and meaningful conversat ion when her t wo boy s run into the room. They're youn g, full of energy, lively, and no isy. Tom is four years old, and Ben is three. Ben follows Tom everywhere. Jane and I continue to talk, but s oon we can't hear each other speak beca use t he boys are in a dispute. "Wh at's the p roblem?" Jane as ks. Tom throws Ben off him, takes a deep breath, and say s, " It's my turn to play on my bike, but Ben won't leave me alone, and he's already ridden my bike once to day." A few more thing s are s aid, but no agreement is reach ed. "Go outside and sort this out. Robert and I are talking," says Jane. The boys are dismissed. After only a minute or two, the bo ys run into t he room again . . . with t he bike! Before Jane can chas tise th e boy s for bringing it into the hous e, Tom says , "We've worked it all out." "Good," we bot h s ay. Tom continues, " Today the b ike belongs to me all day, and t omorrow the bike belongs to Ben all day." Both b oys nod their heads with great enthusiasm. "Are you bot h agreed?" asks Jane, sounding quite surpri sed. "Yes," th ey both s ay. "Good, no w go along an d play," say s Jane. The boy s t urn around to leave, and just before they do s o, Ben pipes u p at the t op of his vo ice, "I know—let's preten d it's to morrow!" Tom and Ben's s tory illustrates perfectly ho w children us e pos sibility thinking t o enjoy hap piness now! I believe th at, contrary to popu lar opinion, a baby's favorite toy is not a thing, it's a moment—a moment called now. Children are born only with an awareness of now— pas t and future are meaningless at first. In the b eginning, now is th e whole world to children, their entire playground. This fascination and reverence for now is entirely n atural; it is neither lear ned nor fabricated. Kids like Tom and Ben are completely un impress ed by the idea of " future happ iness "—abov e all, they want happ iness now! Thos e who are yet to b e indoctrinated or conditioned full y by meaningless "laws of time" do n't know how to wai t for happines s. W hy wait for heaven when the po ss ibility for heaven exists right h ere and now? I believe t hat as a yo ung child, you too were alive to the infinite p os sibilities of the present moment. Like other childr en, you were full of wonder, imagination, awe, and appreciation for the precious present. You go t so much from "no w" becau se you g ave so much to " now"— and for the entire ti me you were engaged with the presen t, you were happy to leave the pas t and future exactly where they were. Now was you r treasure island, and yo u believed wholeheartedly that happines s was here and n ow, waiting to be s een. The more you believed this, th e more you would look; and the more you looked, the more happines s y ou foun d. Here is an important key to h appiness .
Mil king t he "Sacred Now" The world has changed greatly in recent times in an effort to acco mmodate o ur des ire for happiness now. Everything h as sp ed up. We live life fast—faster than ever. Fast tech nology, fast travel, fast careers, fast relationships , and fast results are all the rage in our "I want it now " world. Indeed, th e world is fast becoming a vast convenie nce s tore where you can get everything in an instant—instant coffee, microwave foods, minute—meals, half—hour film developing, 24—hour banking, drive—thru funerals, quickie divorces, television s hopp ing, home delivery o f every thing, and, of c ourse, instant credit. We're sold on s igns th at read "No lines ," "No need to wait," "One sto p," "Open all hours ," and " Buy now—pay later." 1 One way of looking at our "I want it now" worl d is to see it as a highly egotistical and selfi sh purs uit of happines s t hat is fueled by impatience, violence, and greed, doomed from the v ery s tart to "end in tears." Indeed , many p eople are voicing their concerns at " the way the world is go ing," believing that t raditional values and morals are fast being corroded and obliterated by the chase for happiness now. Ano ther way of seeing ou r "I want it now" world is that t his clamor for happiness now reflects an inst inctive wisdom and a g reat spiritual truth, which s tates that . . .
everything—absolutely everything— is available to you "now." There's a famous st ory from the Zen tradition that tell s o f an encount er between a young, eager st udent and a well —resp ected Zen master, noted es pecially for his perpetual grace and h appiness: "Master, I dream of everlasting happiness. What is the highest wisdom you can teach me?" asked the student.
The master s miled. He too k his brus h an d wrote, as if for the first t ime: "Atten tion." "Wond erful," said the s tuden t, "and what comes nex t after attention?" The master s miled. He took his brush and wrote, as if for the first time: "Atten tion. Atten tion." "Yes," nodd ed the s tuden t, utterly perpl exed. "An ything more?" The master s miled. He took his brush and wrote, as if for the first time: "Atten tion. Atten tion. Atten tion." "Okay, so what does 'attention' mean?" asked the student, unable to see. The master spoke: "Attention means attention." "Is that all?" asked the student, obviously dispirited. "At tention is all," said the master . "Withou t attent ion, happiness is nowhere; with attenti on, happiness is now here. Atten tion is freedom from all. Attention o ffers all." Every authen tic schoo l of wisd om and s pirituality teaches y ou th at now is the mos t abu ndan t moment o f your life. The bibles of the world, be it the Old Testament o r the New, the Koran or th e Bhagavad Gita, the Dhammapad a or the Tao Te Ching—indeed, any true spiritual text—all agree that now is an et ernal treasu re chest dripping with beautiful, everlast ing gifts of peace, happ iness , love, and joy freely available to all on a 24-hour "Don't p ay no w—don't pay later" bas is. 2
Now is sacred! This is what the Zen master i s trying to t ell the eager you ng s tuden t in the st ory abov e. Indeed, talk to any s piritual teacher or guru worth their m antra, so to s peak, and this perso n will tell you th at now is always sacred. But why and ho w is now always sacred, you may ask? What if you've just been stood up on a date or you've just opened a bill or you've just ch ipped a toot h or your football team has lost again—how sacred is th at?! One approach to milking the sacred now is to place your attention on what is happening around you right at this minute and aim to ap preciate, respect , and value it as much as you believe po ss ible. You can do t his right no w. Before you read on, look around you and ap preciate fully for a moment what yo ur sen ses pick up. Wh en yo u do so , you'll experience firsthan d h ow pleasurable appreciati on can b e. Events so metimes seem to make this exercise hard, but willingness can overcome this. In my worksh ops for The Happines s Project, I often s how a slide that reads :
HAPPINESS IS NO WHERE. When I ask people to call out what th ey can s ee, I always get two distinct ans wers, one b eing happiness is nowhere, the other being happiness is n ow here. Often, then . . . the difference between "happiness is nowhere" and "happiness is now here" has something to do with the event, and everything to do with how you see the event. Your perception is key.
The real secret to milking the sacred now is to place your attent ion not ou t in the world abou t you , but within yours elf —you r inner, unconditioned Self. In truth, the sacred now i s an inner potent ial. It is et ernal and abund ant; an d its geograph y is s piritual, not phy sical. In other words, the sacred now represents a permanent p otent ial within you to experience love, freedom, and joy regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The gift of happiness is wrapped in your heart, not th e world. Thus , your happ iness will never be mailed to you ! And it can nev er get los t in the mail! In truth, yo ur happines s has already b een delivered, sitti ng in yo ur inner mailbox—your heart—waiting to be op ened. This is what the sacred now i s really all about. In ess ence, then, yo u are the key to happiness. More than what happens to y ou, it is your percepti ons, y our thoughts , your beli efs, and your ov erall response that are essential; your Self, your srcinal Self, is the real key. The real reaso n now is so naturally abun dant is b ecaus e when you allow yourself to be unres trained by fear and uninhibited by worry, it is you who is s o nat urally, originally abu ndant . In truth, then . . . Now has enough wisdom to last you forever, because within you, right now, there is all the wisdom you listen for in others. Now has enough love to la st you a lifetime, because within you, right n ow, there is the love you continually cry out for. Now has enough peace to last you an eternity, because within you, right now, peace of m ind is one thought a way at most.
And n ow ha s enou gh joy to out last the wo rld, beca use withi n you , right now, the joy you chase is not in things—it is in you. The problem with our "I want it now " s ociety isn't that we wa nt happiness now, but that we've lost s ight of ho w to experience it now. In particular, we say, "I want it now," but we doubt and d on't really believe that "it is here now." We've lost faith in now and have placed all of ou r faith in some imagined future. Similarly, we've lost faith in ou r Self and have placed all our atten tion on the world ou ts ide. Now it is t he world, it seems, that must "make us happy"—and herein lies the sou rce of all our misery. As long as y ou believe that it' s t he world that must make you h appy, you leave yourself open to g reat disappointment and much s adness . Why? Beca use as long as you refuse to see your inner potenti al for happi ness now, you will not see it in the world. How can a mirror cha nge the wa y you look ? Think abo ut that, for th e world is o nly a mirror. You will only see in the world what you're prepared to see in you rself—noth ing more and not hing less . Know, therefore, that the journey to true happiness and to happiness now is not a journey of phys ical distance o r time; it is one o f person al "self—recovery," where we remember and recon nect co ns ciously to an inner poten tial for joy—a
paradise lost—waiting to be found. One moment we look within and we see happiness nowhere; the next moment we look within and this time we s ee happiness now h ere. This is a revelation. This is enlighten ment. This is joy! The faster we chase the world and the future, the quicker we appear to overlook the po ss ibility th at happ iness is here already. Every morning as we wake up, the alarm clock sings "now," and from that moment o n we do not give now another thought as we desp erately chas e our future. But are you s o s ure that happiness isn't alr eady here wi th you now? Have you really looked? I mean, really looked? Milking the sacred now is excavation work. I t's about redisco vering an inner p otent ial for original joy—a poten tial that already exists but has been bu ried beneat h a pile of fears, doub ts , guilt, conditioning, and histo ry. Think of this po tential for original joy n ot as so mething to arrive at, but as so mething yo u bring with yo u wherever you go . Recultivating this pot ential is our task, and t he task beg ins with the realization that . . . joy waits on welcome, not on time. 3
Divi ng for Treasures of the Soul Psych ology s chool tau ght me a lot ab out our po tential—in particular, our po tential for unlimited amount s of misery, pain, weakness , and despair! We st udied every affliction, every neu rosis, and ev ery mental dis—eas e available at the time. In a nuts hell, my ps ychology training cons isted of: Year 1, an introduction to basic suffering; Year 2, the study of advanced suffering; and Year 3, a qualification in inspired suffering. The focus was ent irely on our inner pot ential to mess life up. My curriculum was th e A—Z of s uffering, from anger to zoophilia—including stress, depression, anxiety, neurosis, psychosis, neurotic—psychosis and psychotic—neurosis, hys teria, s chizoph renia, ob ses sive—compulsive disorders, pho bias, inferiority complexes, kleptomania, s uicide, ins anity, and delusion. At no time did we con sider our p otent ial for joy, love, or p eace of mind. In effect, I was s tudy ing for a Ph. D. in misery! Studying s uffering full—time had a big impact o n my way of thinking. I once read that history has no ev idence that there ever lived a happy ps ychologist . I can s ee why no w. After a while, I was able to work out just how low I was going to feel on any given day by looking at my lecture timetable. For ins tance, when we s tudied d epress ion for a week, I remember that t he entire class eventu ally felt totally depres sed by th e end. The s ame was true for any an d all of the complexes, afflictions, disorders, and fixations. Getting an unexpectedly low mark for my paranoia essay didn't help at all! Do you remember when in kindergarten or elem entary s chool yo u were given a lecture on th e importance of bod ily hygiene and the d angers of head lice? And do y ou remember how, after 20 minutes of list ening to this woman who sh owed you g reat big blown—up s lides of head lice with s ix-inch teet h, you became absolutely convinced yo u had a nes t of thes e things in you r hair?Well, that's what it was like in my p sy chology lectures. Doctors-intrai ning will tell you th at t heir experience was also the same. I learned a very important less on abo ut perception and focu s d uring thos e years, which is . . . be care ful what you look for because you wil l fi nd it.
I immersed myself thoroug hly in the s tudy of misery. I received distinctions for the mos t part in every s tudy I undertoo k. As I increased my focus , I soon realized that there was no t one type of depres sion, bu t 100. Furthermore, there was no t one so rt of s chizophrenia, but 30, 4 0, or more. Whatev er you focu s on, expands . Each day I hoped we might dive for pearls, bu t inst ead we merely collected crabs ! After a full six years of s tudy, I st ill hadn't b een given a s ingle lecture on our po tential for joy, peace, unity, w holeness , and s ucces s. Psy chology, originally defined as the study of the soul, had been reduced to a st udy of il lness and neurotic behavior. Freud and Behaviorism, in particular, reduced h uman beings to no more than a pitiful bag of blood and b ones housing a mind full of neurotic defenses and endless psychotic potential for aggression and psychosexual hang-ups. Never was there any mention of the soul, of spirit, of divinity, of God, of love. My t raining in ps ycho logy, with its almos t exclusive focus on p ain, is a very common s tory. It also reflects a tend ency in our so ciety to focus o n negat ives. Doctors, for i ns tance, st udy illnes s, not health. Bus iness leaders analyze failure, not su ccess . Economist s s tudy cos t, not value. Phi losop hers mostly debate o riginal sin, not srcinal bless ing. Christ ians talk endless ly about crucifixion, not resu rrection. Ment al-health organizations publish bo oks on "Underst anding Depress ion," "Understanding Stress," and " Understanding Bere avement," but not on "Understanding Joy" and " Understanding Love." The media is full of journalist s su ffering from an addictive, antisocial , obs ess ive-compulsive n eed t o co mmunicate and make up bad n ews. Literature and art is full of depres sed poets and p ainters—can you name three joyful poets? What you focus on mos t often becomes familiar, and what is familiar feels real to yo u. In ou r so ciety, we focus on pain before joy, tears before laughter, and fear before love, so we gradually grow blind to o ur inner, ever-pres ent p otential for happines s. I remember well how my lecturers frowned on h appines s. W hat t hey t aught me es sen tially was: "If you find that you're experiencing h appines s-do n't worry-you're just in den ial and t he pain will soo n return!" Happiness appeared to have n o value, other than that it offered a tem porary respite between periods of pain and trauma. It was defined s implist ically as t he abs ence of p ain. Other mess ages I received included, "Happines s is s uperficial, pain is deep," " Laught er is a common s ymptom of manic depress ion," "Smiling a lot means you're s uppres sing a hidden pain," "Optimism is often u nrealist ic and d elusional," an d " Talking to God is the first sign of a n ervous breakdown.." "Of greater conce rn to me, though, is the lar ge body of thought within the ps ychology prof ess ion that sug gests that happines s is in so me way a dy sfun ctional behavior i n light of all the s uffering in the world. The i dea is: "If you have normal blood press ure living in our troubled worl d, you're not t aking it s erious ly enough ." There have been sev eral recent stud ies t hat have trie d to sugg est t hat happiness is only an avoidance of r eal iss ues, a s elfish coping s trategy, or a
su perficial form of escape. This th inking does n't take into acco unt th at you r happiness is an inspirati on, a gift to others, and a way out o f suffering. 4 When I asked my lecturers why we didn't stud y happ iness , they us ually challenged me to look at my resistan ce to embracing my pain more fully! The most common explanation given, however, for why happiness, love, peace, and God aren't studied by psychologists is that they cannot be measured as easily as fear and pain. In other words, they are inner pot entials t hat d on't sh ow up on laborato ry apparatus des igned to measure externals.5 Just b ecause ps ychologi sts choose not to focus on joy, however, doesn't m ean to s ay that joy does n't exist. We ca n refus e to look at the su n, for example, but th at won't make it go away. One problem, thou gh, with not focus ing directly o n happiness is that what has emerged in place of the truth is a myth of happiness where happiness has become a potential time forgot, clouded in misp erception, sup erstition, doubt , and cy nicism.
The Oasis in the Desert It was while studying communications that I met a man in my class who was to change my life forever. His name was Avanti Kumar. Avanti was an Asian gen tleman, a mature s tuden t of abo ut 24 years old, and the s pitting image of th e actor Danny DeVito—sho rt build, s tocky, no h air directly on top of his h ead bu t wild curly bus hes of growth either side, big bronzed cheeks, a great smile, and a beautiful and rad iant light in his eyes. Avanti always s at at th e back of the class , and in the early w eeks he was always last in and first o ut. "W ho is h e?" we all wondered. All we knew about him was th at he was qu iet and th at he was always smiling. In fact, he was never not smiling. It was as if he had a private joke running in his head all the time. I was deeply intrigued by Avanti from the very first moment I laid eyes on him. It was as if I somehow knew him already. There was a familiarity I felt bu t couldn't explain. I remember wanting to talk to him but feeling, un us ually for me, too nervous to approach. I'll never forget our fir st convers ation. I asked him why he'd chos en th is cours e to s tudy. His ans wer was, "To meet you , of course." His smile really was infectious. After that, I made s ure we drank coffee tog ether mos t day s. I as ked ques tions, an d he gave me cryptic cl ues . I remember asking him one d ay, "W hat are you ?" "A yog i," h e replied. "A what?" I asked. "A student of yoga," he said. "Oh! You mean like Jane Fonda!" Fortunately, we enjoyed each o ther's humor. Soon, an other st udent , Phil, joined our coffee ses sions . We became inseparable. We w ere one. It was as if Avanti was fresh out of s ome Himalayan cave o r eso teric monastery, where, I imagined, he'd been sitting for centuries in b liss ful meditation. He w as my first direct experience o f so meone co ns ciously con nected to, and aware of, the inner potential for joy—anywhere, anytime. Over the next few months, he carefully and lovingly reacquainted Phil and me with th is inner awareness as we talked about y oga, metaphy sics, s piritual wisdom, and t he more enlighten ed s chools of ps ychology. "So far all you've learned about is a psychology of the ego, or lower self," Avanti explained, "which is immersed in sep aration, fear, and s uffering. If you'd like, I will teach yo u abo ut ano ther ps ychology, a psy chology o f wholenes s an d of the Higher Self, which teaches you how to allow your inner joy to sh ine on th e world on ce more." It was with Avanti, then, that I fir st began to focus directly on hap piness . It was Avanti who first taugh t me that happiness is no t just the abs ence of pai n, but that . . . true happiness is an inner power— natural, healing, abundant, and always available.
Like all great teachers, A vanti loved to t ell st ories. One day he introduced me to the st ory of t wo birds, first written in an ancient Hindu text called the Mun daya Upan isha d . 6 It reads:
Two b irds inseparable companions perch ed on the sa me tree. One eats fruit, the other looks on. The first bird is our individual self, feeding on the p leasures an d pains of this worl d; The other is the universal Self, silently witnessing all. "Think of the two birds as two thou ghts flying abou t in the s ky of your mind," said Avanti. "The first bird, the
individual self, is your ego. It "desires" happiness, and it tells you that you must search the world to find it. The second bird, the universal Self, is your s pirit. It "knows" h appiness , and it tells you t hat yo u are happy already , that you were created happy, that all the hap piness you h ave ever dreamed of rests in the center of your real Self right now. "Like an oasis in the des ert, the universal Self is wholly joyou s, wholly abund ant, and wholly p eaceful," s aid Avanti. "It is home to the sacred now, your inner potential for immediate peace and joy anywhere, anytime." With Avanti's guidance, I immersed mys elf in Eastern an d Wes tern literature in an effort to unders tand further the concept of the individual self and the universal Self. There are many n ames for thes e two s elves, s ome of which I've listed in Table A.
Table A Today, many years later, I now think of the universal Self as your u ncond itioned Self—the Self that exists behind t he mask of yo ur perso nal history, your conditioning, your learned li mitations , the roles y ou p lay, your pers ona, yo ur defenses , your doub ts , and your fears. This uncon ditioned Self is the srcinal you, untou ched by the world, completely safe and whole. I t is who you reall y are, and not who you have been taugh t you are by parents , teachers, friends, lovers, anybo dy else, and mos t of all, yourself. Your un cond itioned Self is the presence of peace. Three words , in particular, des cribe t he u ncond itioned Self, and th ey are: (1)wholeness; (2) love; and (3) joy. The oriental mys tics called th e unco nditioned Self the " uncarved b lock." Other names for it include th e Zen term "th e srcinal face," th e Buddhist p hrase " the s acred happines s," the North American name " free spirit," t he Taoists ' "inner s mile," and the Christian mystics' " inner Eden." E. G.O.—Everything Good is Outside
The following s tory helps to des cribe the p light o f the ego, or cond itioned self: Each morning at 4 a.m., Brother Daniel would be the first to rise in the monastery. He got up early by choice, and he was proud to d o so. Wh ile his teacher and all of his brothers s lept peacefully, Brother Daniel busily exerted great effort in his prayer, stu dy, and meditation practices. Enlight enment was h is go al. Every day, Brother Daniel would pray longer and louder for enlightenment. He worked hard at improving his physical pos ture for meditation, and, above all, he would labor to memorize all of the an cient s piritual texts at th e monastery. Rarely, if ever, did Brother Daniel rest, eat, or s leep, for he wanted to g et to enlighten ment an d he wanted to get t here fast. Brother Daniel liked to meditate and pray, but most of all, he immersed himself in scriptures. He liked to be quiet and still, but he rarely had time, for he found that t here was always so much t o do . He liked th e s ilence, but he would rather hear his teacher talk of the s ilence. Brother Daniel's teacher, a gentle, peaceful man who was always smiling, would encourage Brother Daniel to slow down, enjoy the s un, and watch the g rass grow. But he was t oo keen and in too much of a hurry to heed the adv ice. "Why do you rus h, speed, and hurr y so ?" his teacher asked. "I am after enlightenment," said Brother Daniel. His teacher s miled. "W hen will you get t here?"
"Oh, one more prayer perhaps, my next meditation hopefully, or an act of service maybe," replied Brother Daniel. "W hy are you s o s ure enlighten ment is running on ahead of you ?" as ked his t eacher. "Perhaps if you st ood s till awhile, you would find that en lighten ment is h ere right now—but yo u are too b us y running away from it!" In this s tory, the monas tery is a s ymbol for you r mind; the teacher is a s ymbol for your un conditioned Self , or sp irit, which is always smiling; and Brother Daniel is a s ymbol of yo ur cond itioned self, or ego. The uncon ditioned Self experiences wholeness , while the co nditioned s elf searches for wholenes s. Much h as b een written abo ut the eg o, or conditioned self. The term the ego can be misleading, for when we say it, it so unds as if we're talking ab out a person , a child, or so mething real. Ess entially put, the ego is a "s mall idea" abou t you r individual s elf. And the idea is: Everything Good is Outs ide. So conditioned and co nvinced are we by th is frightening thou ght that we chas e the world, just like Brother Daniel, searching for succes s, hap piness , love, and p eace of mind. And we dare not look within ourselves, for what if all we find is nothing, or, worse still, something rotten? I remember once reading, although I'm not sure where now, that the word ego also s tands for Edging God Out. This is a similar idea to Everything Good is Outs ide. Your con ditioned self is acting on information that so mething is missing inside you, and t hat yo u have to search ou ts ide of yourself to find it. This thou ght o f lack, of not being enough, is very frightening; and it leaves us needy, disoriented, and chasing shadows. The ego is fear. It is also th e denial of inner hap piness . The ego's prayer, therefore, is always Look out! "Look out, look out!" cries the ego , but the ego is blind becau se it does n't believe. It looks bu t never finds ; it asks bu t does n't receive. In effect . . . the ego is like a thirsty fish—it is confused!
Imagine a thirsty fish —a fish dying o f thirst that is born in water, made of water, and s urrounded by water! Just becaus e the fish refuses to drink does n't mean there isn't any water. Anot her analogy is to t hink of the ego as a bird flying high, trying to reach the sky, while all the time being in the s ky. And a final analogy would be to th ink of the ego as a s parkle in a diamond while insisting there is no d iamond. The ego is a doubt that you are whole—that is, your conditioned self doubts that there even is an un conditioned Self . The un conditioned Self decl ares: "I am whole," but the co nditioned s elf asks , "Am I whole?" as I've s hown in Figure 1. This doubt in your essential goodness, your essential beauty, and essential wholeness is where all your pain and suffering stems from.
Figure 1 Our unconditioned Self i s forgotten but not entirely los t as we roam the world. Every no w and then we catch its fragrance, its melody, its tas te. In childhoo d we're told s tories, the s ignificance of which hits us much later on. 7 For instance, Hans Christ ian And ersen's tale of "The Ugly Duckl ing" is a wonderful descripti on o f the ego (the du ckling) and the s pirit (the s wan). What is the ego o ther than a mist aken identity? Just like the ugly duckling, we're afraid we're not good enough, wrong, bad, and nothing; and just like the ugly duckl ing, we'll eventually learn that this i sn' t true.
" Sleeping Beauty" is a tale that encou rages us to wake up to o ur inner beauty —that is, our uncon ditioned Self. "Beauty and the Beast" shows us how love (beauty) can help us transform our ego—thinking (beast). "Peter Pan" beckons us to remember,and to imagine, fly free journey again. Pick children's tale—"Aladdin," King," instance; we're toldand of ato s piritual thatany moves from ego to Self, fear to "The love, Lion pain to joy. and "Pinocchio," for One final thoug ht abo ut ou r conditioning: It's all made up ! It has b een made up, and it isn't true. What yo u think about yours elf and what o ther peop le have told you about you is just an opinion, not a fact. It is helpful , therefore, to remember that th e ego is just a th ough t, a thoug ht of limitation, that is not true. The final verdict of t he eg o is that it's a mist ake. It offers a s mall, poor, dull, limited likeness —a bad s naps hot that does n't captu re the real you. In oth er words , the ego is not real.
Michelangelo, G od, and Miracles When the reno wned Italian artist M ichelangelo was as ked by a great admirer, "How do yo u create yo ur beautiful scu lptures?" he gav e a reply that became f amous and is s till told around the world to this d ay. He said, "The beaut y is already t here, my friend. I do not create beauty ; God creates beauty. I merely chip away th e s urrounding marble so as to reveal the beaut y. The beauty is already within. It is already perfectly in place. " The s urrounding mar ble Michelangelo refers to is like our cond itioning; and the beauty already within th e marble is like
our true, un conditioned Self. My friend Avanti encouraged me to read poet ry whenever I cou ld, particularly t he metaphys ical poets su ch as William Wordsworth, William Blake, and Robert Browning; and also the Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore and the Sufi bard Rumi, to name just a few.8 In on e of Robert Browning's works, he refers to our " imprisoned sp lendour" in much the s ame way that Michelangelo talks o f the beauty already within th e marble. He writes :
Truth is within ourselves, it takes no rise From outward things, whatever you may believe. There is an inner centre in us all Where truth abides in fullness; and around Wall upon wall the gross flesh hems it in That perfect, clear perception which is Truth. A baffling and perverting carnal mesh Binds all and makes all error, but to k now Rather consists in finding out a way For the impris oned splendour to escape Than in achieving entry f or a light Sup posed to be without. 9 Alongside Avanti's tutoring, I al so began to investigate s chools of ps ychology and p sychoth erapy th at aren' t s o well covered in u niversity s yllabi. My research sh owed me that s ince the en d o f World War II, in p articular, many new sch ools have emerged t hat g o way bey ond Freud and Behaviori sm in th eir definition o f what it means to b e human. Freud, particularly, maintained t hat h umans h ave two basic drives , sex and aggression, and th at our go al in life is t o be as sexy and as aggres sive as politely pos sible. There was no higher Sel f, according to Freud. The idea of a higher, sp iritual, uncon ditioned Self is now reemerging. More and more scho ols of p sy chology now s ee that h ealing is ab out o utgrowing your li mited self—concept of the eg o to embrace your true Self , one that is not conditioned o r altered in any way b y th e world (see Table B). The terminology varies from sch ool to s chool, but the b asic principles and unders tanding are very similar.
Table B An increasing number of ps ycho logist s are chang ing their minds abo ut th e limited models and concept s t hat hav e so governed h uman und erstand ing. It is of interest to no te that ev en Sigmund Freud chan ged his mind abo ut many of his ideas to ward th e end of his life. In one o f my bo oks, Stress Busters, I quot e from Freud, who just before he d ied wrote: "In the final analysis, we must love in order not to fall ill." 10 Psych ology is finding its s oul once more. And now all that remains, it seems, is for us to change o ur minds abo ut ou rselves. I also became abs orbed in East ern philos ophy, with its rich, vibrant, and poet ic vision. Althou gh many of thes e autho rs des cribe the uncon ditioned Self using mystical images and deep ly spiritual metapho rs, they are at p ains to point ou t that an experience of this whole Self is a natural, normal, commonplace, everyday possibility. The Buddhist term sato ri, for instance, refer s to ins tant en lighten ment, available for all and to all. I found the works of Sri Ramakrishna, a 19th-century mystic, to be particularly fascinating. Every word seemed strangely familiar to me. He wrote extens ively ab out the uncon ditioned Self, which h e referred t o as the Divine Self. In on e pas sag e, he explains:
Know thyself, and thou shalt then know the non-self and the Lord of All. What is my ego? Is it my hand, or foot, or flesh, or blood, or muscle, or tendon? Ponder deep, and thou shalt know that there is no such thing as I. As by continually peeling off the skin of the onion, so by analysing the ego it will be found that there is not any real entity corresponding to the ego. The ultimate result of all such analysis is God. When egoism drops away, Divinity manifests Itself. 11 Over and over during m y s earch for greater unders tanding, I felt I was being pu lled along by a golden th read of teaching that made a connect ion between the u ncond itioned Self and God within: "Search not in distan t s kies; in man's own heart God lies," s aid one Japan ese text. In the Sikh bible, The Granth, it is written: "God is in thy h eart, yet tho u s earchest for him in the wildernes s" ."In the Ps alms, it is written: "You to o are gods , son s of the most High, al l of you." Jes us tells u s in th e
Bible: "Ye are Gods." Islam purports : "Thos e who know themselves know their God." And in Buddh ism, it is written: "Look within, you are the Buddha." 12 The go d I first learned ab out as a child was like a hu ge inflated eg o, living in the sky. He was v ery jealous , sp orted a long beard, was middle-aged, had an ang er problem, and was very aloo f. This god blessed bo mbs , fixed football games, foun d you p arking sp aces, and h elped you win the l ottery. It was a special god that loved and hated s ome people more than others. This ego-sized god apparently needs and enjoys sacrifices of live animals and young babies; and has a penchant for tobacco , drugs, and b eer. It is o bvious ly a god of fear; and th erefore, a god of punish ment, attack, vengeance, and judgment. Clearly . . . great unhappiness is caused by our misperceptions of our Self and God.
Slowly b ut s urely, with the h elp of Avanti and many o ther teach ers an d mentors I met along my s piritual path , I began to heal my misperceptions of my Self and of God.13 Layer by layer I let go of my cond itioning. It's enou gh to say here that I now relate to God as p ure, unconditional l ove; an d that I now see no difference between unco nditional love an d the uncon ditioned Self. It was ap proximately nine years after meeting Avanti th at I s at d own tog ether with my first wife, Miranda, to read a bo ok called A Course in Miracles, which changed my life forever. It is a remarkable work that offers spiritual psychology training as it trans forms o ur fearful thou ghts into loving th oug hts , and in giving up ou r ego for our real unconditional Self.14 I didn't really appreciate this bo ok at first . It was s o big—bigger than War an d Pea ce- more than 1,200 pages long, and full of religious metapho r. If truth be known, Miranda an d I had both boug ht th is bo ok long before we met each other, and it had s at on both our s helves idle for f ive years! Ever y time I'd tried to read it, my eyes would glaze over and I'd s oon be asleep, no matter what the time of day. Other than b eing a great remedy for inso mnia, I disco vered that the Course had o ther us es, to o. It made an excellent doors top, for ins tance, a g reat paperweight, an d, mos t important, it looked very impress ive on the b ooksh elf. Finally, one day, Miranda and I returned to the Course, opened a page at random, and began to read. The words we read wer e: "The self you made [the ego] is not the Son o f God [you r uncond itioned Self]." This mess age is repeated many, many times through out the entire book. Later, there is a meditation that reads:
My true Identity is so secure, so lofty, sinless, gloriou s and g reat, wholly ben eficent a nd free from guilt, that Heaven looks to It to give it light. It lights the world a s well. It is the gift my F ather gave to me; the one as well I give the world. There is no gift but This that can be either given or received. This is reality, and on ly This. T his is illusion's end. It is the truth. My Name, O Father, still is kn own t o You. I have forgotten it, and do n ot k now where I am going, who I am, or what it is I do. Remind me, Father, now, for I am weary of the world I see. Reveal wha t You woul d have me see instead. A Course in Miracles is a constant affirmation that you are created by an unconditional thought of love that appears to have lost itself in a world of fear. Freedom, joy, and peace of mind are yours again when you remember and reconnect to your unconditioned Self. As the book says: "Salvation requires the acceptance of but one thought; you are as God created you , not what yo u made of yourself. "
Choosing t o Remember or to Forget You are, in any given moment, either remembering or forget ting abo ut yo ur unco nditioned Self, your true spiritual identity. Nothing else is really happen ing. When you remember that you're free, you feel happy, hopeful, trust ing, generous , loving, and, above all, safe. When you d oub t, however, and you forget th e truth abo ut yo urself, you b ecome afraid, isolated, and desperate; you go it alone; you protect and defend; you strive and you attack. Perhaps yo u know this famous pas sag e by William Wordsworth:
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting: The soul tha t rises with us, our life's Star, Hath had elsewh ere its setting, And cometh from afar: Not in en tire forgetfuln ess, And not in utter nak edness, Bu t trailing clouds of glo ry do we co me From God, who is ou r home: Heaven li es abo ut u s in ou r infancy! Shades of the prisonhouse begin to close Upon the growing Boy, But He beholds the ligh t, and whence it flows, He s ees it in his joy; The Youth, who da ily farth er from the east Mu st travel, still is Na ture's Priest and by the vision splendid Is on his wa y attended; At len gth the Man perceives it die away, And fad e into the light o f common d ay. 15 Unhappiness is a s ymptom of forgetful nes s, as much as joy is a s ymptom of remembering. When we're unhap py, balance g ives way, persp ective co llaps es, faith falters, communication often breaks down, doubt doubles , panic ens ues , and a tho us and different sy mptoms s pill all around u s. Th e dish armony we feel is ultimately a dish armony with o ur s elf. We've s tepped out o f our center; and we "lose heart," "los e sp irit," and lose our Self. Healing is remembering. It is what author Marianne Williamson calls "a return to love." 16 Much of my th erapeutic work with clients is, therefore, about helping p eople to rediscov er the trailing clouds of glory within. We talk, we meditate, we laugh, we cry, we pray, we s ing, we dance . . . we do whatever is neces sary t o help u s remember the t ruth and let go of th e pain. At my s eminars hos ted b y Th e Happiness Project, I occas ionally sh are a poem of mine that helps me remember what my
own healing and my o wn work is all about. It reads :
There once was a mom ent, a mad, forgetful moment, that sli pped past eterni ty into ti me. And in th at moment, mad a nd forgetful a s it was, out of nowhere an en tire world , separa te from God, wa s dreamed up. And a lth ough it was only a moment, it felt lik e forever. And a lth ough it was only a dream, it felt so real. In this mad, forgetful wo rld, th e Ocean prayed t o God, "Give me water. I want water." The Sun, br illiant and bright, would pray, "Dear God, fill me with li ght ." And the migh ty, pow erful, roamin g Wind wou ld plea, "Set me free, set me free." One time, all of s udden, and I don't q uite kno w why, the Silence began to speak, "God grant me peace, grant me peace." Then, Peace Itself , fell to i ts kn ees, "Dear God, please, what can I do to be more peaceful?" Now, look ing qui te perp lexed , prayed , "Dear God, what next ?" Even Eternity beg an to pra y, "I wan t to last forever and ever and ever." Infinity felt small, "Dear God , help me to g row." And Life itself, began to cry, "I do n't ever wan t to d ie!" And You and I, who are the essen ce of Love, we cried out for love, "God p lease love me," we prayed . "God, fill me with lo ve," we prayed. "God, grant me love." Mad a nd forgetful as it was, that moment in time soon slip ped , tripp ed, and fell awa y back i nto etern ity. It's all over now, save the memory— a mad, forgetful memory , it t oo ready for eterni ty. In the Budd hist s cripture, The Dham mapada, there is t he famous "Eight Fold Path," whi ch refers to eight s piritual freedoms, one of which is right remembrance, or right mindfulness .17 Disciples o f Buddh ism are called upon to " Arise! Watch. Remember and forget not ." In a similar way, Jesu s asked u s to "watch an d p ray." To be happy, it's good to make a po int of knowing what it is in your life that h elps yo u remember truth. W hat is it that helps y ou to love, to be real, to b e free? Wh at is it that h elps yo u wake up from the s lumber of your con ditioning? As for mys elf, I love th e so unds of laughter and fri ends hip. I love to look at the s tars, to walk in nature, to list en to t he river's so ng, to smell the heaven ly scent of st argazer lilies, to watch a roaring fire, to feel its warmth an d s ee its light. I love t o be still, to smile, to meditate, and to pray. How about you? It's important to remember what helps you to remember! For I guarantee that the next time you're ill or unhappy, you will move away from everything that supports you, strengthens you, and inspires you. Indeed, you must have already moved away or you wouldn't be so u nhapp y. How curious it is th at we abandon o ur greatest s ources of strengt h when we're st ress ed o r challenged in so me way. We tell ourselves, " First I mus t work my p roblems out," and only th en will we as k for help. Remembering to remember now is the key!
For four years I work ed with the BBC as a coun selor and executive coach. There was a church o ppos ite the main building th at had a prominen t sign outs ide that never chang ed in all the t ime I was t here. The s ign read: O God, s how me what is wrong with me. This was, I imagine, a call to worship. It often struck me that this church needed a new marketing manager! I was once introduced t o a truly beau tiful prayer, the exact op pos ite of this chu rch s ign, which I believe offers a p erfect example of how to remember and reconnect to our true, unconditioned Self. It's a prayer by a woman named Macrina Wiederkehr, and it reads:
"O God, help me to bel ieve the trut h abo ut myself, no matter how bea utiful it i s. Amen." 18 This is real prayer . Try it. Give yours elf seven d ays . Say this p rayer each day, first t hing in the morning, and th en s it and list en for g uidance. This prayer offers a wonderful frame of mind for remembering and reconnecting to your uncon ditioned Self. As you take hope into yo ur s ilence, you will su rely d raw hope from that s ilence. Try this prayer for a week and yo u'll see what I mean.
Seeing the Li ght! Firs t, you beli eve, and then you s ee the Light. Next, you go toward the Lig ht. Soon, you are in the Light. Now you are the Light.
Paul was a s elf-made multimillionaire. He to ld me s o the first time we met. He talked and I listened. He told me about his wife, his life, his work, and, mos t of all, his children. "I hav e three ch ildren I love more than anyth ing," he said. "I want to g ive them everything I didn't have when I grew up. I tel l them cons tantly that they can be what they want. I encou rage them to strive, to work hard, to give everything ev ery effort, to be t he bes t they can. I always remind them they can d o b etter, they can g ive more, they can b e more—there are no limits."
I listened to Paul talk about his children for almost 30 minutes. Eventually, I asked, "Paul, what are you trying to tell me?" He paused for a moment and bowed his h ead. His bullish con fidence and upbeat mood vanished . I think I even saw a tear. "The problem is," he said, "my children hat e me. I've given th em everything, and they hate me." "Have yo u ever to ld your children th at th ey are wonderful, right now, just th e way they are?" I asked h im. He obv iously had no t. "Paul, you r children don 't need to be t old how great they're going to be; what they really need is to b e told how loved and how wonderful they are now," I said. I also su gges ted that by telling his ch ildren how wonderful he thinks th ey are now he was also inves ting wisely in their future. Paul had only one h esitation: "Wh at if I tell them they're complete and whole as you say and th en they get complacent?!" We explored t his common fear for a while. "Would you have beco me complacent if your father had ever once to ld you he loved yo u?" I as ked. "Certainly not ," s aid Paul. "Well, you have your answer then. See the Light in your children now, Paul. See the Light in them, for their sake and y ours . Trus t in their Light, for their sake and yo urs. See the Light," I said. As a ps ychologist, I h ad o riginally b een t rained to be a problem sp otter. In fact, initially, I prided myself on how goo d I was at being able to sp ot peo ple's weakness es, neuros es, fears, and hang -ups . You s ee, I wanted to be a reall y goo d ps ychologist; an d, as y ou probab ly know, a really good ps ych ologist is someone who can always find more wrong with you than an average psychologi st can! My original training, therefore, i nvolved: (1) spott ing the problem you had that you were go ing to tell me abo ut; (2) spotting the problem you had that you were not going to tell me about ; and (3) sp otting th e problem you h ad that y ou didn't even know about yet! That's h ow creative ps ychology can be—yo u come in with a few minor problems and yo u leave with some major ones! Over time, I began to h ave a chan ge of heart. I started t o realize that t he greates t ps ychot herapy of all is not in pointing out people's p roblems and failures, b ut rather, in pointing peo ple toward their L ight. You see, I really d o b elieve n ow that . . . a true healer helps you to remember and reconnect consciously with your inner Light.
By "Light," I mean yo ur innate un conditional potential to be h appy, to be loving, to be free of fear, and to be creative beyond yo ur greates t imagination. You can nev er really los e you r Light becaus e you r Light is you —you r unconditioned Self—but you can forget abou t it. This Light feels s o real when yo u're happy, and so unreal when y ou're unhapp y. Hence, the p ain, the fear, the lonelines s, and the g rief of unhap piness . When in darknes s, we wonder if we will ever s ee the Light again. I can remember the exact day when I first realized th e abs olute neces sity o f being able to s ee the Light of the uncon ditioned Self in healing. I was at my Stress Busters Clinic, a clinic I'd b een runn ing throu gh t he National Health Service in West Birmingham (in the U.K.) for a couple of years .19 I looked out o n a sea o f people who'd gath ered for anoth er two-hour ses sion. This time I didn't actually s ee people, thoug h. All I saw was a group of alcoholics, dep ress ives, heart-attack victi ms, can cer su fferers, drug addicts, AIDS victims, p eople s uffering pho bias, and one sch izoph renic. At first I felt a wave of ab so lute hop elessn ess . I remember thinking, How can I help all th ese peo ple—th eir pro blems are so huge and so completely different from one another?! It occurred to me that what I real ly needed to do was set up an individual clinic for each illness—a clinic for depression, for anxiety, and so on. Before I could really panic, I instinctively said a quick prayer: "Dear God, help me to see this differently." Then, in true British fas hion, I had a s ip of tea. As I opened my mouth to s peak, I quickly s hut it again before any words could s pill out. My mind was o n to something. A new idea was formulating, coming through like a fax or e-mail. I had another sip of tea while the downloading continued. It dawned on me that although thes e peop le's illness es certainly appeared v ery different, they were in fact all sy mptoms of one s ingle illnes s. Ess entially put, th ese people were ill becaus e they were unh appy. Each of th em had s omehow beco me unh inged from the happines s o f their unconditioned Self. I realized, therefore, that th ey h ad co me to the clinic not just to de-st ress, but to remember and reconn ect to happines s. They had come to see the Light. Years earlier I'd read t he works of th e Greek philos opher Pyth agoras , who had said: "There is no illness , only ignorance." 20 Now, at last, I was b eginning to s ee that maybe the ignorance h e was referring to was the forgett ing and sep arating from the Light of our u ncond itioned Self. I also began to s ee that my work at Stress Busters was probab ly, like the Tower of Pisa, slightly offcenter. Until that time, the emphas is of my work had been, like my p sy chology training, problem oriented. I h ad s pent days st udying ev ery illness , dis-ease, and s tress -related problem I could find. And, althou gh I'd mentioned h appines s many times, I had never given a worksh op s pecifically on th at top ic. The s ame was true for love, for peace of mi nd, for su ccess , and for joy. Now it occurred to me that if these p eople could rem ember how t o be happy again, maybe they would experience less dis-ease, and they would also handle their chall enges in a much more healthy and wise way. Sometime later, I wrote in my daily journal some words that I still call upon to this day for inspiration. They read:
Know Love; no fear Kn ow Joy; no pa in Kn ow Lig ht; no d ark ness Know Wholeness; no d is-ease Kn ow No w; no past Know Truth; no lies Know God; no separation Know Self; no other True healers t ake into accou nt any t ype of darkness , but their real task is t o s ee the Light in their clients s o as to help
them remember and cons ciously reconn ect to their own inner L ight. In this way, both healer and client are healed toget her. Parenting is th e s ame. The ultimate gift of a p arent to a child is to care for the inner Li ght of children un til they can care for it themselves . True friends are tho se who b elieve in you t hrough thick and thin. They st ill see the Light in you even when your moods and behavior are dark and low . Mento rs, managers , leaders, v isionaries, p eacemakers, an d ev eryone who truly serves . . . they all see the Li ght.
CHAPTER 2 Giving Up the Search One day at th e beginning of anot her new ses sion at the Stress Busters Clinic, I decided to try a completely new tactic. The room was full. Thirty people or so were chatting, drinking tea, and waiting for me to begin. "Welcome, everybody, to Stress Busters. Have you had a g ood week since we met last?" I asked. "Not bad," s aid s omeone. "Not too bad, thanks," said another. "Oh, can't complain," came a voice from the back. This op ening was n ot my new tactic, by the way. That came next. "W hat I'd like you to do is tell everybod y abou t you r good week," I said. I then asked the ent ire group to st and up , and I explained to them that I wanted them to meet each o ther oneto -one and s hare a piece of good n ews, anything h appy, that had hap pened t o them over the l ast sev en days . The only rule was that th ey had to come up with a different piece of good news for each person they met. I noticed that as I was explaining t he game to the grou p, mos t peo ple had begu n to st op b reathing. The room was full of tens ion, nervous laughter, defensive pos tures, and on-the-s pot p rayers like, "Oh, God!" " Christ !" "Good Lord," and "Heaven help us!" "W hat? You mean like 20 pieces of goo d news in the last week?" as ked so meone. "Yes, 20 or more things that made y ou smile, lifted y our s pirits, helped y ou feel good, and that you were grateful for," I explained. "But what if we can't find an ything?" asked s omeone. "Let's st art looking an d th en maybe we'll begin to see," I said. What I'd as ked the group to do was very s imple yet highly signif icant. Most p revious ses sions at the clinic had seemed to s lip auto matically into a rou nd-up o f bad news, s etbacks, and new problems. No report was ever made of good n ews and p ersonal breakthroughs . And yet I knew people were benefi ting from our time tog ether. Indeed, the Stres s Busters Clinic had won n ational recognition over th e previous co uple of years for its effecti ve s uppo rt and care. Looking back, I see now that it was as if we'd all agreed to follow an unspoken rule of "problems only." Just like in my own psychology and psychotherapy training, we had put happiness and love on the back burner for the moment, and we were now fully preoccu pied—and I have to s ay, strangely comf ortable—with our problems. Worse than this, I also n oticed from time to time th at certain peop le in th e group were competing for who'd had the worst week. In a so rt of s ad, macabre way, it was as if we were trying to prove o ur pers onal worth by how much su ffering we were end uring. In o ur minds, an unofficial points sy st em had d eveloped along th e way—that is, 5 points for headach es, 10 points for migraines , depress ion 15 points , anxiety only 7 points, but anxiety plus a ph obia attack was worth 20 points ! The more points , the more s elf-worth, plus more air time in th e grou p. In fairness , I supp os e we were only doing what we thoug ht we were s uppo sed to do , which is talk problems. That's what ps ychology is all abo ut, isn 't it? There was a strong ov erall reluctance to discuss h app iness. The assumed rule in the Clinic was: If you h ave a problem, speak up; if you're hap py, be qu iet. Happiness didn't appear to have any value. No one had act ually ever s aid that h appines s The as su med rule in th e Clinic was: If you hav e a problem, sp eak up; if you’re happy, be quiet. H appiness didn’t appear to have an y value. No one had actually ever said that h appiness was allowed. Now, for the v ery first time, everyone was t alking abo ut g ood news. By the end o f the go od-news game, which I now call "Bless ings," t he energy of the g roup h ad been transformed. Everyone looked like s uns hine, radiating a s pirit of warmth and joy t hat filled the room. One or two p eople had fou nd t he exercise c lose to impos sible, but m ost were truly as tonished to find how much go od n ews there was in their l ives. Feedback from the " Bless ings" game was sp ontan eous . "That was wonderful, " s aid someone. "Thank you," said another. "Great!" said s omeone else. One woman s tood up an d s aid, "All of your go od n ews helped me to remember all my go od n ews that I'd forgotten or overlooked." Another woman said, "I've had a far better week than I realized!" There was a natural pause, and then an old man called Graham, known by all at the Clinic for his simple wisdom, said, "It occurs to me that maybe we're all a lot happier and more blessed than we realize."
Don't Gi ve Up on Happiness Happiness will always bring out th e bes t in you. You were born to b e happy. Happines s is natural. It s uits y ou completely. You look good and you feel good when you let happines s ooze from within yo u. Your s tep is light, y our mind is free, and your spirit soars when you let happiness happen . The whole world resp onds well to you.
When you 're truly happy, you're r adiant and y ou funct ion fully. Abov e all, you are loving, for the es sen ce of happines s is love. You're also n aturally kind, generous , open, warm, and friendly. This is becau se where there's true hap piness , there is no fear, no doub t, and no anxiety. You're unres trained and uninhibited. You are fully presen t, here and now, and not lost in some past or future. When you 're truly happy, you're on point and on p urpos e. You're also very real. It is, after all, impos sible to b e happ y and play s mall, to be happ y and h ide, to be hap py and inauthentic, to be happ y and d efensive. Indeed, the real reason why happiness feels so good is that when you're truly happy, you a re being yo ur Self—your unconditioned, srcinal Self. Lik e a fragrance to a flower, true happines s is an expres s ion of your unconditi oned S elf—the real You.
True happiness is also very attractive i n that it literally attracts great things . Happiness , by its very natu re, encou rages trust , sp ontan eity, optimism, and enthu siasm—all of which b ring great gifts. In p articular, when yo u d are to b e happ y, you find th at peop le ins tinctively gravitate to y ou an d like you, although t hey may not know why . Maybe it's s omething to do with yo ur smile. Wh atever it is, yo ur happines s is an insp iration and a g ift to ev eryone. Everyone benefits from true happ iness . . . everyone benefits f rom your happ iness. Not surprisingly, then, happines s is very important to us . It is, along with love, the goal of life. Everybod y wants to b e happy. Can yo u think of anyone in your life who would genu inely refuse an offer of true happines s? No! The qu est ion is, then, if happiness is the co mmon g oal, why is h appiness so uncommon in our world? Hands raised —who knows more than th ree genuinely happ y peop le? When I ask this ques tion in a room full of a thous and peo ple, I see only abou t five or six hands go up. No one talks ab out hap pines s; the t opic is edited out of mos t con vers ations . In my worksho ps , I often ask participants to recall sp ecific conversations on hap piness that th ey've had with th eir parents . What follows is us ually a profound silence. All parents want th eir children to b e happ y, but s o few parents talk about it. Also, judging from our day -to-day con versations with friends, family members, and colleagues , no one is hap py. Either that, or if they are, they're certai nly not letting o n. "How are you?" we ask, when we greet o ne ano ther. The replies arrive thick and fas t—"Not bad ," "Not s o bad," and " Not too b ad." Some s lightly more creative people say: "Could be better." "Could be worse." "Holding u p." "Oh, so-so." "Fair to middlin'." "Hangin' in there." "Surviving." "Can't complain." "Okay." "I'm still here." "Don't as k." "Getting by." "Keeping my head above water." "Hanging by a thread." "No news i s good news." "Not dead yet." How about th at! I call this typ e of inane con versation "no ts o-badder-itis." It's like a "near-life experience," as oppo sed to a "n ear-death experience," in that there's no happ iness , no sad nes s, no co mmitment, no no thing. In our fast and furious world, where no one app ears to have t he time to eng age in mindful convers ations, " Not so bad" has become a learned respo ns e, a type of s ocial sh orthand. It's qu ick, it's eas y, and we have n o idea what we're talking ab out. The point is, thou gh, even when we do have th e time, and even when there has been s ome good news or we feel genuinely happ y, we s till resp ond with " Not so bad." We've given u p talking ab out happines s. Furthermore, we've grown accus tomed to hiding our happ iness as if in fear. But what on earth are we so afrai d of? W hat is th ere to fear about happiness? I first became aware of the fear of happiness in my o ne-to-one p sy choth erapy private practice, w here I experienced three repeating patterns with clients—patt erns t hat my training had in no way prepared me for . In the first pat tern, I would help clients address a particular fear or problem to th e point o f letting it go. Then , when I was convinced th ey were now ready to let go of their pai n and b e happy, they would sud denly st op coming. Withou t notice, they'd d isappear. All my t elephone calls would go unreturned. W here I was ab le to follow up, my clients would mos t often say, "I'm just too bus y to come" o r "I do n't have any money." The o ffer of payment later was alw ays declined. Sometimes my clients would simply say, "I'm just not ready."
The s econd pattern I called " the familiar devil," derived from the comm on say ing "Better th e dev il you know." In this pattern, a client wou ld get to t he po int where he or she was read y to let go and move on past something painful and des tructive, only to decide at th e very last minute t o s tay pu t. One client, Jonathan, cam e to s ee me after having a heart attack while working in a highly demanding and very unrewarding job. He often spoke of looking for a more fulfilling career, so mething th at s uited him better, once he was h ealthy enou gh t o work again. Wh en he was well again, he went st raight back to his o ld job. "It's all I k now," he told me. My client Sus an's cas e perfectly illustrated the t hird repeating pattern. She was s ingle, in h er late 20s, living with a boy friend who was co ns istently abus ing her both emotionally and phys ically. "I've come to see you to g et the streng th to leave my b oyfriend," sh e to ld me du ring our first meeting. Susan did eventu ally leave her boyfri end, des pite great hurt and fear to herself. H appines s now beckoned. Her fr iends h ad hardly go tten t he celebrations under way, however, before Susan moved in with a boy friend who also s tarted to abu se h er. By witness ing thes e three patterns , I began to see th at helping people resolve a problem isn't the s ame thing as h elping them experience perso nal happiness . One obv ious reas on for this is that h appiness is quite clearly much more than jus t the abs ence of pain or problems. Mo re than that, tho ugh , I began t o realize that un til you d evelop a healthy, cons cious, creative, and un conditional relations hip to hap piness , you'll always experience unhappines s an d illness .
Facing Your "Happychondria" Happiness feels s o natu ral and no rmal to us, yet we often rel ate to hap piness as s omething s pecial, odd, lucky, a bonu s, or a win. Inst ead of greeting hap piness with o pen arms, as we would a dear and intimate friend, we sh y away from it . . . our thou ghts full of su sp icion, do ubt, cy nicism, and fear—"waiting for the fall." Clearly, wewant happiness, but we don't trust it. Certainly, we allow ourselves trickles of delight every now and then, but when th e experience of hap pines s is more vivid, real, and long t erm, we're often racked with self-doubt an d thrown about by our fears. We doubt h appiness as much as we doubt ourselves. In s hort, we' re afraid of happines s .
The greates t irony is that we're actually afraid o f everything we li ke. For instan ce, according to fear, su ccess will corrupt you, money is the root of all evil, fame will ruin you, love makes you blind, happiness is selfish, and retirement will be the death of you . Strangely, that which we most desire frightens us the most. "Happych ondria" is the term I use t o des cribe the fear of happines s, and , in particular, the utt erly morbid su perstitions we've gath ered and placed before happiness . Happines s is s o natu ral to ou r unconditioned Self , yet our conditioning has so mehow taugh t us to cloud o ur experience of happiness with end less misperceptions , fearful beliefs, false prerequisites, and unneces sary dogma. Theaccept next time genuine happines s, watch ur thou Self ghts greets awhilethand see hiness ow uncon ditional you can your anceyou of it.experience Notice, for instance, ho w your unconyoditioned is happ so wholeheartedly, fullbeofin love and deep gratitude. Watch, also, though, how your conditioned self is tempted to question your happiness, to control it in so me way, to hold it at arm's length , or to tighten the g rip for fear the h appiness might fly away. Have you ever noticed that when you're happy, you think highly fearful conditioned thoughts such as "Watch out for the fall," "What did I do to deserve this?" and "This is too good to be true"? Keep looking and you may also notice other fears s uch as "What have I for gotten?" " This can't last," "W hat's the catch?" "Maybe I've l eft the stov e on," "I'l l have to pay for this," " Unbelievable," "Did I lock the b ack door?" "A ll good things mus t come to an en d," " There will be tears before bedtime," and more. Take a moment, before reading o n, and add to this list if you can. Awareness o f thes e fearful, limiting t houg hts (plus a b ig smile!) is an important st ep to undo ing them and ou tgrowing t hem. When happ iness occurs , we experience a mix of great gratitude and nagging s elf-doubt. Fear's adv ice is: When h app y, hide it. We're afraid to s how our happ iness for fear of being thoug ht of as conceited, selfi sh , juvenile, or an irrespo ns ible airhead, perhaps . We especially fear that to o much happines s will endanger our profess ional status . Many peo ple work in highly fearful, uncreative cu ltures, in which ap pearing to be h appy twice in on e week is definitely n ot good for the career. We so mehow have it wired up in our cond itioned thinking t hat happiness is blasphemy. We fear that if we're too happy, then we'll so mehow ups et ot hers, draw envy, and invite rej ection. We've come to believe that t he moment we s tep o ut o f "no t-so b adderitis" territory, we'll be hated an d persecu ted for our happines s. Not only have we learned to feel very afraid when we're happy, but we've also learned t o feel very guilty. Too much happines s—far from being s een as a gift for all—is targeted as an en emy t hat will lead to hedo nism, a lack of moral restraint, a coll aps e of values, an abs ence of order or con trol, and t he deat h of th e world. It's as if we've learned to believe that happiness reveals an innate "badness" rather than our natural, unconditioned goodness. Furthermore, there's an implied fear that, if there's too little suffering, the world won't be able to work as it is! We've also b een taug ht to believe that while the gods will tolerate occasional happines s, any thing ov er half an ho ur or so will evoke high payment at least and terrible wrath at worst! Fate is also a real killjoy, it seems. Hence, when happy, we keep our fingers cross ed, hold our breath, avoid walk ing under ladders, and look out for black cats. The fear of happines s h as b een pas sed down from generation to gen eration, each one carefull y elaborating on the myths , supers titions , and trickery that went b efore. We too have p layed our part, so that now, according to "hap pycho ndria," hap piness no longer begets happines s; rather, it merely heralds the o ns et of further suffer ing. No wonder we've learned to be afrai d of happ iness . Several years ag o I had th e pleasure of meeting and co uns eling a p riest named Harold. He was ab out 65 years old at th e time, of medium height and build, with slightly hunched shoulders, as if he were carrying a weight of some kind. Harold
had b ig bus hy ey ebrows, a half- smile, and a face full of character lines. There was an air of s adnes s all around h im. "I've come to see you, Robert, becaus e I'm unhap py an d hav e been for a long time." Harold had a wife, 15 years yo ung er, whom he described as "lovely, lively, and active." "We seem to be growing apart lately," he told me. In truth, Harold had been cutting himself off from the world. He felt increasingly isolated, unable to mak e much s ens e of anyth ing, and very s ad. "Talk to me abou t hap piness , Harold," I said on e day. It was too long ago for me to remember Harold's exact answer, but I do remember him saying, "Happiness is something I fully expect to experience through the grace of our Lord in the hereafter." I asked him, "What about before then? Is it acceptable for you to be hap py before you d ie?" Harold always looked down at the floor when we talked. I could tell he was puzzled. "I don't know," he murmured. Because Harold was a Christ ian, I reminded him that the g os pel of Jesus is one of joy. I encouraged Harold to read ag ain how the New Test ament s peaks of th e "joy of thy Lord," and how it refers to joy as "the fruit of the s pirit" an d heaven as "a kingd om of joy." My ch allenge to Harold was that heaven isn't a place in the s ky, but rather a choice, a cons ciousn ess available to him now. "You can hav e heav en now if you like, Harold, because heaven, like love and happ iness , waits on welcome, not on time," I s aid. Harold and I met quite a few times, and he was a perfect gentleman. He would always express gratitude for our time toget her, and he would always n od profusely in ag reement with ev erything I s aid. At least intellectually, he liked thes e "new ideas," as he called t hem. I tried to convince h im that my ideas weren't s o n ew. I remember Harold say ing on o ne of ou r last visits t ogeth er, "I don 't know, Robert. Maybe I'm just n ot worthy of happiness." Here, I believe, was the crux of the matter. I don't know how m uch I was able to help Harol d. I often th ink of him, thoug h. He taught me s o much. At t he very least, he tau ght me that unless we believe we're entirely worthy of hap piness , we can't accept happines s fully, for we will always attempt to ques tion it, control it, and ultimately pus h it away. In ess ence, happines s is p erhaps t he greates t challenge of all, then, in that . . .
happiness challenges us to make peace with ourselves.
Undoing the Confusion We're certain we want happines s, but we're confused ab out what hap piness is. How many t imes have y ou b ough t what looked like a ticket to certain hap piness , only to discover later that t he ticket was invalid? How many times h ave yo u chas ed s omething—a career, a relationsh ip, a poss ess ion—abso lutely con vinced that h appines s must be there, only to find that it somehow got lost so on after you arrived? For a lifetime, we work hard at happiness without ever really wor kin g out what ha ppiness is. One very telling measure of how confused we've become abou t happ iness is the language we us e to con vey ou r joy. Our languag e reveals our thinki ng, and o ur thinking is o bvious ly very confus ed or we wouldn't use the language of pain to d escribe ou r joy. Look at th e following p hrases , for ins tance: "I had a hell of a time." "It was awfully good." "Like a house on fire." "What a blast." "To die for." "It was crazy." "Bad!" "Wild!" "Really wicked." "I nearly died!" "Drop-dead gorgeous." "It was damn good." "So good it's a sin." "Dying to see you." "Let's get wasted." "Unreal!" Our confusion is compounded by our dis-illusion. Our present perception of happiness has become clouded and misted up with the un resolved pain and disappo intment of ou r past . Thus , we st ill dream of happines s, bu t we've also become afraid and cynical. Confusion reigns . It knows no boun ds . Comedian Woody Allen reveal ed t he full extent of our learned
neuros is when his character said this to a woman in the 1975 movie Love an d Death : To love is to s uffer. To avoid s uffering one must no t love, but th en on e su ffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to s uffer, not t o love is t o s uffer, to s uffer is to s uffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is t o s uffer. But su ffering makes one u nhapp y. Therefore, to be unhap py, one mus t love or love to su ffer. Or su ffer from too much h appiness . Somehow we appear to have los t ou r mooring to th e happ iness that is o ur uncon ditioned Self. Much in the s ame way that h umankind has so divorced itself f rom Moth er Nature, we appear to have dis tanced o urselves from our own inner happiness to the we feel so distanced that we even question the existence of inner hap piness, for it feels s o foreign, unreal, and un true. Our confusion is con ditioned. It is learned. I t is a forgetfulness . It is in no way inherent to our unco nditioned Self. To th e uncon ditioned mind, happ iness is natural; to the ego , or conditioned mind, happ iness is sp ecial. To the un conditioned mind, happiness is within; to the ego, everything good is outside. To the unconditioned mind, happiness is constant; to the ego, happiness never lasts. To the unconditioned mind, happiness is free; to the ego, happiness requires suffering, sacrifice, and payment. In a nuts hell, then, our conditi oning has confused us . The conditi oned mind is a confused cons ciousn ess . Thus, your conditioned s elf is not on ly confused about happiness , it is confused about everything, including love, life, God, purpose, and y our true identity . This learned co nfusion es sen tially takes three routes , as s hown in Figure 2.
Route 1 is ab out o ur misperceptions of what happines s really is. Wh at is hap piness ? Is it phys ical pleasure, a worldly purs uit, a cogn itive choice, a sp iritual joy, or something else? Rout e 2 is ab out the u nneces sary con ditions and prerequ isites we've created that s ay happiness must first be " earned," "worked for," and "des erved." Route 3 is abo ut the fearful beliefs we have about happines s—th at is, our "happ ychon dria." All of your cond itioning abo ut hap piness is bot h learned an d un real. In fact . . . nothing real s tands between you and your happines s , only illus ion and your own confusion.
I know that many times y ou've felt as if happiness is s o very far away from you, s omewhere on the ot her side of the world, perhaps , or even on anoth er planet. I've experienced the same mys elf many times. Althoug h t hes e painful moments feel very real, it's important to realize that they're not the t ruth. This pain is illusory (that is, it's not the trut h abo ut y ou). Indeed, all pain comes from holding on to illusions about your Self . After spending several years dedicated to the study of happiness, I now know that there is, in truth, no distance between us and o ur happines s. I believe, therefore, that th e healing journey isn't a ph ys ical journey as s uch . Rather, it's a journey o f cons cious nes s, of truth emerging from illusion , of light dawning throug h darknes s, of love replacing fear. This journey your is anmisp un folding of that which already within. To beliefs. be happ y, therefore, you must first b e willing to u ndo and unlearn erceptions, false conisditions , and fearful I have two friends , Eddie and Debbie Shapiro, both wond erfully enlightened h ealers, who des cribe th is und oing proces s as "Undoism." I remember very well the first time I went to a gath ering of theirs in th e heart o f the English coun tryside. From the front of the room, Eddie proclaimed, "I have a new religion for you-'Undoism'-unlearning your fears of joy!" 1
Sti ll Gett ing There! My client M ichael was a perfect example of what ps ychologist s so metimes call "s ucces sful malcontents ." He was rich, famous , powerful, middle-aged, and deeply un happy. All of his life he had "go ne for it" but had n ever in his op inion ever quite "gotten it." That was why he'd come to s ee me. We met maybe a dozen tim es and made quick progress . It was during our last session together that I asked Michael, "What is the most important lesson you've learned about happiness?" Michael paused . He didn't s peak for a full two minutes or so . Then he smiled and s aid, "In my 20s, I worked so damned
hard that I hoped I'd be happy in my 30s; in my 30s, I strugg led every day s o th at I might be h appy in my 40s; in my 40s, I sacrificed everything so as to be happy in my 50s. Now that I'm 50, I don't want to wait until my 60s! All my life I've been struggling and searching for happiness, instead of just being happy. I'm ready to give up the search and be happy now." The search for happiness has brought with it much unhappiness.
Since the beginning of time, we've searched t he world for our happ iness . Over the cent uries we've list ened to count less stories of the Holy Grail, the Philosopher's Stone, Excalibur, the Golden Fleece, the Ark of the Covenant, secret manus cripts of truth, hidden sacred temples, universal eli xirs, s oul mates , alchemy and magic, pots of gold at the en d of rainbows, yellow-brick roads, and more. All of these stories testify to a belief in a happiness "out there" and to a distinct absence of happiness within. This is where fear enters. Indeed, th e s ource of all our fear s st ems from the erroneou s belief that happiness is somewhere else. So convinced are we that the worl d holds our happines s th at we roam the earth hu nting down any thing that looks lik e happines s. We s trive, we strug gle, we s uffer more than our neighbo r, more than our parents , more than anyon e we know in an effort to get ahead. The m ore we get ahead, the more w e lose the heart of happ iness in the process . In oth er words , the more we pursue happ iness, the more we f orget ho w to be h appy. With our almos t exclus ive focus on the world, Self-knowledge is eclips ed b y t he need for world acknowledgment; authen tic Selfexpress ion is tempered by a need for approval and popu larity; Selfrealization is sacrificed as we attempt to make the world realize how deserving we are of happiness. Gladly we sell our soul to the world, for we believe the soul has noth ing to offer and th e world has everything. So addicted d o we become to th e purs uit of happines s that we will jus tify any means to " get th ere." We will cheat, lie, st eal, and ev en murder. Soon the p ursu it of happiness becomes the g oal rather than happ iness itself. A further irony is that . .. as we bec ome even more strongly addicted to the pursuit of happiness , we are in no way pre pared for happiness when it arrives.
Look at the s ociety and the lif est yles we've created. We're too bus y to b e happy now. We're in too much o f a hurry to be happy now. We're too focused on our bright futures to be happy now. We haven't enough time to be happy now. Our schedules won't al low us to drop ou t of the race and be h appy now. We're too busy "getting there," yet the more we chase happines s, th e more it flees. The pursuit of happiness is our greatest mistake. 2 It is a fabricati on, an illusion, a lie, and an invention of th e ego or conditioned Self, which believes that everything good is outside. The world doesn't have your happiness; you have your happines s. Certainly, events , experiences , and peop le can help you recover you r happiness if you let them, but th ey can't give you what you 're refus ing to s ee in yourself. The purs uit of happiness is ess entially the denial of happiness . And, in effect . . . the purs uit of happines s mus t always fail becaus e it is based on a lie—happines s i s not outside you.
Until you ch ange th e belief that happiness is somewhere else, you 'll only experience a life in which y ou're always "get ting th ere" bu t are n ever quite "th ere"! You'll always be s triving, but never arriving. You'll always be looking, but never s eeing. You'll always be bu sy, and y ou'll never be at rest . How can you afford to rest if you ins ist on believing that peace isn't already within you ? One more thou ght: Has it ever occurred to yo u that the pu rsuit of happ iness st ems, deep down, from a lack of Selfacceptance? In other words, whatever it is you p ursue—be it peace, happiness, love, or G od—is what you currently cannot accept. Thus, you pursue happiness because (1) you cannot accept it for your Self right now; and (2) you cannot accept t hat it may already be in your Self—your u ncond itioned Self. It's ironic that t he only joy yo u ever experience while purs uing happ iness is when you very occas ionally allow yours elf to rest , relax, and st op pu rsuing hap piness . Think of what joy you 'd experience if you dared to s top p ursu ing happiness completely. Think how fearless you would be, how creati ve and at peace you would be, and h ow free you would be to enjoy the world more fully if you were to s top p ursu ing happines s and s imply st art accepting and allow ing happines s t o happen.
Just One More Thing! Happiness is not in things; happiness is in you. The most s ignificant educational ex perience during my childhoo d had noth ing to d o with sch ool. School was academic. It was my family who taugh t me the most valuable less ons of life . . . esp ecially my g randparents . The marriage o f my mother and father sh ouldn't hav e hap pened, acco rding to many. It was a marriage of "wealth and pov erty," not to be confused, by t he way, with War and Peace! My mother was b orn into th e English aristocracy, the landed gentry, a family of the British Empire. She was young and beautiful. My father wasn't what my mother's family had in mind for their daughter. For one thing, he worked for a living. His family was distinctly working class. Everyone had a th eory abo ut my p arents' marriage: it was ill advised, bless ed, wrong, true love, do omed from the s tart, an act of rebellion by my mother, opportunism by my father, and so on. Upon marrying my father, my mother was instantly cut off from her financial heritage, as bot h pu nishment and caut ion, I su ppos e.
Lack of money was a recurring theme of my ch ildhoo d. Three memories s tand out in particular—one was a st ring of rented acco mmodations , including a miserable on e-bed u nit in a heavily v andalized apartment building s ituated n ext t o a bus y railway line; an oth er was being invited by M um and Dad to attend an emergency family financial budget meeting on the ev e of my 11th birthday ; and anoth er was the huge dirty, ripped, b rown leather s ofa we'd picked up from an auct ion for 50 pence (abo ut a dollar in U.S. currency tod ay). That s ofa was ou r pride and joy. Visiting bo th s ets of grandparents was a bewildering experience. My father's parents lived on the s outh coas t of England, in a town called Seaford, near Brighton. They lived in a rented flat over a fish-and-chip shop. I remember three smells in particular: (1) cigarettes—my grandparents smoked like chimneys; (2) Guinness-my grandpa loved it; and (3) the st ale smell of old oil from the s hop down b elow. We would sp end many of our s ummer holidays with my father's parents . My mother's parents lived in the h eart of th e English count ryside in Twyford, near Winchester. W e would visit much more regularly, almost every other weekend, as we lived only a few miles away. Granny and Grandpa lived in a huge mansion with acres of gardens, farmland all around, a beautiful river, and an exotic kitchen-garden full of peaches, nectarines, st rawberries, rasp berries, go os eberries, and more. The gardens were so beautiful that they were often open ed to th e pub lic. My mother had two elder sis ters and one elder brother who li ved in equally beautiful and s tately homes., and we would visit them every now and then . The disparity between "u s" and " them" was truly sh ocking and bewildering. One side of my family app eared to h ave everyth ing the world could offer , and th e oth er side app eared to h ave very little indeed. And yet I s wear, with h and o n heart, there was no more happiness in those huge mansions than there was in that little flat above the fishand- chip shop. On the contrary, the laughter I rem ember mos t b ounced off the walls of the flat and not the mansion's. Please n ote th at I'm not s ugges ting as s ome people do th at money makes y ou miserable. I carry no "Mo ney is the roo t of all evil" bann ers. On th e cont rary, I appreciate money greatly! Wh at I did learn, however, from a very early age indeed, is that no amount of money can make you happy. More precisely , I would s ay, money can encourage you to be happy, but it cannot make you happy. 3 This leads me to anoth er very important principle of happines s that forms a central part of m y teach ing at The Happiness Project: Nothing in the world can make you happy; everything in the world can encourage you to be happy.
We live our lives in the ho pes that just one more thin g will complete our happines s. The eg o's co nditioned tho ught is that something is missing. And so we look for the miss ing piece to bring us salvation. And yet, no matter how many things we purchas e, gather, and collect, w e s till feel as if something's missing. Indeed , there is-the uncon ditional awareness that nothing is missing. We are, in truth, complete and whole already. Nothing can make you happy if you won 't accept for yourself that h appiness res ts within you. You s ee . . . I know peop le with fancy dishwash ers who aren't happy. I've met peo ple with elaborate st ereo-soun d TV sets , complete with remote control, who are ab so lutely miserable. I know men who wear Armani and still feel inferior. I know women who can afford to buy a dozen Gucci watches b ut s till have no time for themselves. I have friends who are married an d h appy, and I h ave friends who are married and unhap py. I have friends who are famous and loved b y millions, yet t hey can not b ear to love themselves. I have fri ends who can afford a house cleaner, but still, all their life is a chore. I've cou ns eled people with extreme wealth, yet they feel as if they have noth ing. I've worked with directors of vast international corporations who are still looking for their first really meaningful achievement. I have friends who ho ped parenth ood would bring them happines s-to s ome it did and to so me it didn't. I know women who wear real diamonds but still have no real sparkle in their lives. I know men who drive sp orts cars t o n owhere in particul ar. It is the con clusion of the most extensive ps ychological and so ciological research into hap piness , or "su bjective wellbeing," as it's termed, that nothing can make you hap py. Just as it's true that the pursuit of happiness fails to make you happy, s o to o d oes material written an excellent s tudy called The Pursuit o f Happi ness, in which h e collates much of th e mos t recent research into the how of happiness. He concludes: . . . whether we base ou r conclusions on s elf-reported happiness , rates of depress ion, or teen problems, our becoming better-off over the last thirty years has not been accompanied by one iota of incre ased happiness and life satisfaction. It's sh ocking, becaus e it contradicts our s ociety's materialist ic assu mptions , but how can we ignore the hard truth : once beyond poverty, further economic growth does not appreciably improve human morale. Making more money—th e aim of s o many graduat es and other American d reamers o f the 1980s—does not breed b liss.4 Perhaps y ou've heard the o ld joke "Nothing makes me happ y: I've tried poverty and wealth, and th ey've bot h failed!" Materialism isn't bad or evil; it's s imply not enoug h to replace the happ iness within. The world isn't h ere to meet your needs; th e world is here to sh ow you that you have no needs. When peop le are depress ed, they often s ay, "Nothing makes me happy." This is the truth ! Indeed, the first st age of
depression is very often disillusion with the world. The world gives us the appearance of happiness, but not the source. It's like a hyped -up glos sy holiday brochure th at fails to d eliver. The way out of depres sion is, therefore, to know that (1) the world cannot make you hap py, and (2) you r happines s exists within. To s um up, not hing can actu ally make you happy, but everythi ng can encourage you to choos e happiness . Money can't buy you happiness, but it can certainly help you choose happines s. A sen se o f security is important, bu t again it's no real prerequisite or guarantee of happines s. Health helps, but it cann ot make you happy. Exercise can inspire well-being, and it's highly recommended.5 So too is a go od diet 6 and a healthy sleep pattern. 7 However, it's pos sible to be p hys ically fit, full of vitamin C, get eight hours of sleep, and still feel miserable. Nothing can make you Choosing happi ness is yo ur function. There's also a reverse o f the principle that nothing in the world can make you happy; ev erything in the world can encourage you to be happy. And that is . . . nothing in the world can make you sad; everything in the world can encourage you to be s ad.
The world canno t take away you r right to happ iness or sadn ess . It may often app ear to be trying very hard to take this choice away, but truly it cannot. Events in life can s o con sp ire that y ou may los e sight of this cho ice, but n ever is the choice destroyed. In truth, the decision to be happy or sad always rests with you, whether you can see it or not. It's when you temporarily los e s ight of this ch oice that you mus t as k for help.
Happiness Is a Decision Only You Can Make When ever I meet s omebody new away from work—on a golf course, at a party, or on a vacation, perhaps —convers ation usually gets around to the "So what do you do?" qu estion. I of ten hes itate to ans wer, but I us ually end up s aying, "I stud y the p sychology of happiness ." What tends to follow is a very long and profound s ilence, several nonpluss ed looks, so me awkward bo dy languag e, and, event ually, a comforting word of reply such as "Oh" o r "Gos h!" or " That's n ice." Often I'm also asked, "But isn't happiness just happiness?" Society parades th ree broad ideas abo ut hap piness : (1) Happiness is luck, (2) happiness is circumstance, and (3) happiness is a decisi on. The Oxford Dictionary of English defines h appines s as "fortunat e; lucky; feeling or express ion of s atisfaction." I've interviewed thousands of people about happiness over the years for various radio and television programs, and the most common answers to the question "What is happiness?" are "Winning the lottery," or "Winning on the horses," or "Winning the football pools." Happiness appears t o be a bet, and luck i s t he ans wer. The problem with the belief that happiness is luck is th at th ere's no role left for you to play in you r own life. With luck as your g reat hope, yo ur life and yo ur happines s is on hold while you wait for the d ice to roll your n umber. Luck denies y ou any res pon sibility or influence on h ow you r life may tu rn out . Your life is det ermined for you, not by you. Most often those people who gamble on luck see th emselves as u nlucky victims o f the world. The s econd v iew, that happiness is a circumstance, is v ery common. Certain circumst ances , particularly t hos e yo u judge to be " goo d" an d "right," can be s atisfying, but once again I woul d refer you t o the principle that nothing in the world can make you h appy; ever ything in the world can encourage you to be hap py. In other words, there i s n o one circumst ance that can completely guarantee h appines s. The belief that happiness is a circumstance also s ugges ts , as with luck, that th e attainment of happ iness is ultimately out of you r hands. In other wor ds, you r happiness is "good " on ly as long as you judge that the circumstances in your l ife are "good ." But what happens to yo ur happines s when y ou s pill red wine on y our sh irt, when yo ur car breaks down, or when your child crams an other ginger sn ap into th e DVD player? How strong is y our happ iness ? I once made friends with a man nam ed Christ opher after s pending a day t raining s taff at a local hospice. Chr istoph er was 108 years old, and h e was th e oldest and most lively patient on the ward. At h is last b irthday party, I asked him, "W hat is the s ecret of life?" I'll never forget his reply, both for its humor and its wisdom. He said, "Well, Robert, I tell everyone that the first 100 years of life are definitely the mos t ch allenging—after that it gets easier! I also t ell people that life is 10 percent circum st ance an d 90 percent y our response to circumst ance." The view that happiness is a decision is bot h radical and t rue. I was once given a quo tation by a worksh op participant that I like very much. The words belong to a gentleman named John Homer Miller: "Circumstances and s ituations do color life, but you have been given the mind tochoose what the color shall be.
" Life is p owerful, but y our th ough ts about life are even more powerf ul. In o ne o f my b ooks, Livin g Wond erfully, I wrote: There is a fantast ic force in life that has a miraculous power to t ransform fatigue into en ergy, des pair into delight, and anxiety into action. This force can make "bad" things "good," and "wrong" things "right." An "upset" can beco me a "s et-up ," a "misfortun e" can lead to " fortun e" an d a "failure" can b ecome a prelude to " su cces s." This miraculous force has the po wer to decide. The great news is that y ou are perfectly entitled to us e this fantas tic force, if you s o cho os e. If you do, yo u may well find that, qu ite miraculous ly, obs tacles tu rn into op portun ities, adversity into advantage, breakdowns into breakthroughs, and unhappy endings into bright new beginnings. This force, if you h aven't already gu ess ed, is th e power of thought . 8 The s econd h alf of the 20th centu ry has s een a rapid rise in the number of cognitive schoo ls of psy chology, which very
much s upport the idea that happiness is a decisi on. 9 In other words, what ever the pictu re, it is your fram e of mind t hat ultimately counts. Circumst ances can be helpful, attitude is crucial, for as Hugh Downs once wrote: "A happy pers on is not a pers on in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a pers on with a certain set of attitudes."
The perception that happiness is a decision affirms that at titude is first , circumst ance is s econd. It teaches you that whatever is h appening, you always carry the d eciding vo te when it comes to happines s, s ucces s, love, and peace of m ind. Sometimes t his is eas y to remember; oth er times it's no t s o eas y. Once again, it's when y ou forget th at you mus t as k for help.
Happiness is a decision feels g ood and empowering, but even this p hilos ophy offers a limited perception of true happiness. For example, have you ever thought about what happens to happiness when you're low and your attitude is su ffering? Does h appiness disappear like a pathetic wisp of smoke? Can happiness be pulled aroun d s o eas ily by th e world? Is happines s really that weak? Contrary to p opular belief, true happines s is no t a fickle little so mething, a d izzy little airhead that finds it hard to keep a commitment, always coming and going, appearing and then disapp earing, waving "Hello!" on e minute and then sh outing "Goodbye" the next. True happiness is faithfulit does not and cannot leave you. True happiness is constant, not transient; it is strong, not weak. Try not to think of happiness as something external that t ravels to yo u or away from you, but th ink of it as a po tential you carry w ithin yo u always —a potent ial you are, in any given moment, either opening to or withdrawing from. In truth . . .
happiness doesn't come and go; what comes and goes is your attunement to happiness. Above all, my work has taught me that, no matter how much pain you're in . . . no matter how low, how hurt, how hopeless , how con su med b y an ger, how bitter, how fearful, or how awful you feel, the poten tial to experience p eace and happiness never goes away. Just as clouds in the sky can ecl ipse the su n but n ot des troy it, so too can fear and pai n eclipse your happiness but not destroy it. The potential for happiness is with you permanently. Happiness is just a thought away. The reason for this is th at happ iness is the very natu re of your uncond itioned Self. Happiness is the makeup of existence itself. Thus, happ iness is not a peak experience; it is central. I t's no t the t op of th e mount ain; it's th e heart of the moun tain. As y ou t hrow off your cond itioning, you reveal a joy t hat exist s independent of the world. I thi nk the writer J. Donald Walters des cribed th is joy beautifully when he wrote: "It is the go ld of our inner natu re, buried ben eath th e mud o f outward sense-cravings."
This joy is not in you, it is you. I remember being d eeply moved by a pas sag e in A Course in Miracles that highlighted this idea. It states : "It is hard to u nders tand what 'The Kingdom of Heaven is within you ' really means. This is becau se it is not understandable to the ego, which interprets it as if something outside is inside, and this does not mean anything. The word 'within' is un neces sary. The Kingdo m of Heaven is yo u." A more accurate perception of happ iness , then, is that it is t he nat ure of your unco nditioned Self. Hence . . . when you're truly happy, you are bei ng your S elf.
Rumi, the Holy Grail , and Your True Identi ty Rumi, the great Sufi mys tic and poet , once told a s tory of ho w he knocked on the do or of his beloved God: "W ho's t here?" came the ans wer. "It is I, your lover, Rumi," he said. From inside came the voice, "Go away, there is no room for the two of us in here." Rumi left, completely disp irited. He meditated and prayed, and later he returned to t he ho us e of his beloved on ce more and knocked again. "Wh o is it?" the bel oved as ked. "It is You." With a welcome, the door was thrown wide open. 10 When we chase happines s, we're really chas ing our un conditioned Self , for the experience of true h appiness is really the experience of the Self. The world, with all its transitory pleasures, cannot make up for that which is always within you. The more you can accept the idea th at hap piness is you r nature, the more j oyful your experience of th e world will be. With fewer needs, you will be more free. Auth or John Pepper wr ote a beaut iful pass age in his book, How to be Happy, which I cannot improve up on. He stated :
What we do know is that when we have traveled the world over in search of the Holy Grail, ransacked the texts of the saints and sages for clues as to its whereabouts, pleaded with the night to yield it to us, abased ourselves in rituals, followed the light paths of romantic love and relationship and the dark ones of drugs and disorder, and done the million and one things it appears we have to do before finally we grind to a halt in exhaustion, our happiness still tantalisingly out of reach; then we see with a snort of absurdity that there is nowhere left to reach out to; that all the words have gone. The running, brother and sister, is done. The answer is contained here in this frail being in this dark night on this lasted heath; here or now here. The Holy Grail is us . 11
Every time you s ay yes to hap piness , you're saying yes to yo ur uncon ditioned Self. By making it your intention to b e happy, you're throwi ng o ff all of the defens es, do ubts , and fears y ou've learned to value. You're letting go of the p ain of your pas t, pain that would k eep you in your past and would prevent yo u from experiencing happines s now. Over the years, I' ve created many prayers an d affirmations th at help to s trengthen the intent to be happ y and free. Intention is th e key. One prayer that's a particular favorite of mine is ad dress ed to t he God t hat s its in the cent er of your uncon ditioned Self. It reads :
Dear God, I know no t by myself how to be truly h app y. Teach me, in this mom ent, how to allow the spirit of true happiness to shine throug
h.
In this moment, I give to You all my fearful misperceptions of happ iness. In this moment, I give to You all the false condit ion s I have placed b etween myself and happi ness. And in th is moment, I give to You my fear of happin ess. Teach me, Dear God, to accep t ha ppin ess easily, effortlessly, and natu rally. Teach me, Dear God, to radi ate h appi ness easily, effortlessly, and n atura lly. Teach me, Dear God, to accept and rad iate hap piness in equ al measure. So be it.
Welcome to the Laughter Clinic! Abo ut th ree years after s etting up the Stres s Busters Clinic, I was ready to make a radical change in my w ork, which had so far been very prob lem focused . Until then, I had foll owed a ph ilos ophy of: First reso lve al l problems and see abou t happiness later. Now, a new philos oph y was emerging of put ting happiness first. I was beg inning to see that . . . mak ing a wholehearted commitment to being happy is a powerful medici ne.
Happiness is not jus t the abs ence of problems; happines s is th e power that helps yo u heal your problems. And if illness and disease are s ymptoms of unhappiness, then surely a return to happiness now will help you to heal. I was beginning to see that, just as a block of ice will melt if you expose it to the s un, s o to o will our fears dispers e before our inner happiness. Above all, happiness helps us to be unconditional and free once more. The up sh ot o f this chan ge was that in September 1991 I opened the d oors to t he first -ever official Laught er Clinic in Great Britain. I received the backing of the gov ernment and t he National Health Service to s et u p a clinic that focused first and foremos t o n n atural, unconditional m edicines of love, laughter , happines s, an d joy. 12 Our approach was fou rfold: (1) We would run at least one workshop a week for members of the p ublic on anyt hing to do with u ncond itional happ iness ; (2) we would collect, collate, and make available as much research o n hap piness as pos sible from the fields of medicine, psy chology, philos ophy, and religion; (3) we would hold profess ional training ev ents for any health profess ionals who would li ke to develop t heir work; and (4) we would sp read mess ages of love, joy, and laughter through the world's " more bad news " media of television, radio, and the pres s. Within a month of open ing, the Laughter Cli nic had received more than 500 inquiries. Th is compared to less than ten during the first month of the Stres s Busters Clinic. We were overwhelmed by the en thus iasm and interest . The Laughter Clinic had caught people's imagination and was ob viously ap pealing. The Laught er Clinic ran for four years before it became known, as it is today, as The Happines s Project. The workshops were an instant success. More than 1,000 events have now been run through The Happiness Project, address ing audiences of 5 or 6 people to 1,0 00 or more. Several worksh ops became very po pular, su ch as Angels Can Fly Becau se They Tak e Themselves Lightl y, which looks at th e art of Self-acceptance; How to Be So Happ y You Almost Feel Guilty, but N ot Quite! which looks at the relati ons hip between happines s an d s elf-esteem; Happi ness Is a Way of Traveling, which focuses on happiness now; and Let There Be Lau ght er, which looks at the relations hip between spirituality and joy.13 More than 20,000 doctors, nurses, psychologists, counselors, and other therapists have attended professional training held by The Happines s Project. We've also contributed d irectly to s everal thou san d media features around t he world. One of the peak experiences for me personally was in August 1996, when the BBC broadcast a 40-minute QED documentary on my work entitled "How to be Happy," which foll owed th ree volunteers , Carol, Dawn, and Keith, as they took my "Eight-Week Perso nal Happiness Program." (The QED series was p opular on the BBC for many years and comprised scientific prog rams on numerous topics.) Ap proximately five million viewers tuned in that night to see the progress Carol, Dawn, and Keith each made, as verified by independent s cientists who con ducted a b attery of extensive phy siological and p sychological tes ts .14 I've enjoyed g reat help and s uppo rt through the y ears. In the beg inning, my then -wife, Miranda, helped to evolve the project in cou ntles s ways. More recently, my brot her, David, has h elped to manag e bot h The Happ iness Project an d anoth er of our projects called The Deep & Meaningful Tra ining Company. The Happiness Project is also bless ed to have great worksh op facilitators in Ben Renshaw and Alison Atwell . The list go es on! The Ha
iness Proj ect ha s been, and sti ll is, a most marvelous jour ney. I now see how the study of ha
iness is rea lly a
mos t intimate journey of Self-disco very. By looking s o clos ely at hap piness -particularly t he d esire for it and at times the resistance to it-we can hel p ourselves and others to no end.
CHAPTER 3 Being Good Enough Claire had sp oken mos t eloquen tly for 45 minutes about everything that was wrong with her. E ventu ally, I was moved to interrupt her pattern of thought: "W hat do you love about yours elf Claire?" I as ked. "What?" she replied. "Objectively sp eaking, what is t here to love ab out you?" Claire looked st unned . Now there were no words, o nly a bemused s mile. "Can you ans wer my qu estion?" I asked. "I don't know, she s aid. "No one has ever asked me to think that way before." I 've seen many hund reds of clients over the y ears t hrough my work with the clinics, my private p ractice, and Th e Happiness Project. In on e way . . . every cl ie nt has been different, andyet i n another way, they're all the s ame.
Someone who's experiencing alcoholism, for instance, looks very different from someone who's experiencing anorexia. Similarly, someone who's d ealing with depress ion looks v ery different from so meone who has just su rvived a heart attack. And so meone with agoraphob ia looks v ery different from so meone who feels tot ally s tress ed, and s o on . They all look different, their conditions have d ifferent n ames, and yet, deep down, their illnes s is the same. No dis-ease happen s by its elf. Alcoholism does n't happ en by itself. Alcoholism is an effect, not a caus e. It is a s ymptom, not an illness . Alcoholism is not the p rimary dis-ease; the p rimary diseas e is the excess ive self-judgment and co ns tant s elfcriticism that p ress ures s omeone into taking a drink in the first place. The same i s true, in one deg ree or another, f or depression, stress , burnout, and every other dis-ease ever "nam ed" b y the medical and psycho logy profess ions . Selfjudgment is the dis-ea se. It has been my experience that beh ind every pain, illness , and form of unh appines s there is, hard at work, a fearful, relentless level of s elf-judgment—a distinct lack of l ove an d accept ance th at perpetu ates and co mplicates sy mptom after sy mptom. We don 't get ill when we're wholly joyou s becaus e our joy is free of fear and judgment. Il lness does ens ue, however, when we judge, berate, and criticize ourselves too harshly. In one way or another, we are all the same in that . . . we all "suffer" from a highly critical condition of C.S.J.—Constant Self-Judgment.
Your un cond itioned Self, being completely whole, has no need to judge. Wh at is there to judge if all you know is wholeness and love? You know for yourself that when yo u feel completely hap py an d whole, you don 't think to judge. Who leness is joyful, not judgm ental. Thus, s elf-judgment isn't nat ural to you r uncond itioned Self. It is learned. It belongs to the conditioned s elf, the ego, whi ch s uspects that "everything good is outs ide" and fears that "s omething i s missing." It wonders, "Am I whole?" You've learned to judge, criticize, and condemn you rself. No matter how hard an yon e else h as ever judged you, y ou judge y ours elf the hardes t. In fact, you save yo ur most severe stan dard s, judg ments, criticisms, and pun ishments for yourself. This con st ant s elf-judgment is s omething yo u've learned. It isn't nat ural to you. Once, you were completely accepting of you rself and you were fr ee, but no w . . . no one is harder on you than you are!
While your unco nditioned Self continues to b e free, your ego co ntinues to judge and imprison its elf. Your ego-s elf accepts noth ing and judges everything, incl uding hap piness . Judgment is more than a hab it; it is a way of life. Your judgments stain the windows o f your perception . They filter everything y ou s ee so th at, in truth, you see nothi ng as it really is; you on ly see your judgments. Thus, you don't see your own beauty, wholeness, and Light within; you only see that you "could do better" and "be more." Your conditioned self, or ego, judges , push es, drives, and punish es yo u so inces san tly to compens ate for its fear that deep do wn you're inadequ ate and incompl ete—that is, your hap pin ess is somewhere else. This is n ot the truth, but you've learned to believe t hat it might be. Your ego is an addict. Indeed . . . the beli ef in "not being g ood enough" is your ego's gre atest addicti on.
The add iction ,topun this beliefs ocial feedscompariso all other adn,dictions , including ver-dependency in relationsh extreme competitiveness ishing envy and jealous y,o pained p erfectionism, const antips, self-judgment, lack of assertiveness, and a desperate never-ending pursuit of happiness. This addiction also feeds other more physical addictions t hat p rovide temporary comfort and escap e, su ch as overeating, alcoholi sm, compulsive s ex, and illegal drugs . Health, love, and wholeness cannot flourish where there is cons tant s elf-judgment. The st arting po int, then, with any of my clients, isn't necessarily the "named" dis-ease—that is, stress or depression—it is to address the underlying fears and judgments that may have given rise to that d is-eas e in the first place. Wh at I often en d up p rescribing is a course in kin dness, love, and true selfacceptance as an an tidote to the learned criti cism, fear, judgment, and self-hatred of the ego. This is real healing. In all my years, I've never had a cl ient who suffered frombeing too kind to him- or her s el f!
The ego-s elf resists kindnes s, for it believes that judgment buys you s omething. It is co nvinced that without judgment you will "fall behind" and become complacent, slack, di sad vantag ed, and, in p articular, "wrong," " bad," "no thing," an d "not good enough. " The cycle of constant self-judgment can only end with love. In order to be well, we must learn to love again. All illnes s and unhap piness is, therefore, a cal l for love.
Like my client Claire, I was equally stu nned when I was first asked, "Robert, what do you love abou t yo urself?" I was a delegate at a s eminar on health and healing at the t ime, and I remember vividly ho w that s imple ques tion s eemed to set a million ch emical reactions burs ting instan taneou sly and simultaneous ly through my bo dy. My throat went dry, my heart skipped s everal beats, and I sto pped breathing. I began to p erspire, my s tomach churned, m y bladder felt ful l all of a su dden, I co uldn't s peak, and for all I k now, my ears probably s tarted to flap as well! Self-acceptance is as natural to your unco nditioned Self as cons tant s elf-judgment is to yo ur ego. You must cho os e between your conditioning an d yo ur freedom. Until you 're willing t o accep t yo ur Self-you r unconditioned Self—you won't be able to accept all that you long for. The happiness, th e peace, and th e love you crave canno t hap pen witho ut Selfacceptance.
Home Alone: Horror Film or Love Story? "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone." - Blaise Pascal We all experience moments in our lives that become turning po ints. I had one s uch turning p oint on e weekend while in my s econd year of s tudy ing Communications. I was 19 years old at the t ime, and what h appened to me that weekend was to chan ge my life forever. Weekends are everything to s tuden ts . It's a time for dates, dinners , parties, friends hip, bands , going home, romance, being co ol, being wild, being whatev er you want . Looking b ack, I recall how du ring mos t weeks, from Wednesday afternoon onward, attention would turn to the forthcoming weekend. "What are you going to do?" "Who are you seeing? " "Have you been invi ted to the party?" and so on. I think it was o ne Thu rsday morning when I fi rst b egan t o pan ic a little. My friend Avanti told me he was going to be away for the weekend becau se h e was taking a tri p to Londo n. I also found o ut later that mor ning that Philip was going home to Lancashire, James was off somewhere, and Paul was going to an allday "Fight for Peace" rally. By Friday afternoon, I realized t hat all of my friends , witho ut except ion, would be ou t of Birmingham for the weekend. Now I was really p anicking. I remember going h ome on Friday afternoo n and phon ing around, looki ng for any body to s pend so me time with t hat night. First, I tried the " A" list of friends , then t he " B" list , and th en th e list of peop le I barely knew—"Hello, it's Robert here. Robert Holden. Robert Holden wi th dark hair, six foot t all, sits at th e back in ps ychology class . . ." No on e —abs olutely no one—was av ailable. Arou nd 7 o'clock that ev ening I eventu ally had to face what t o me was a terrifying pros pect— time alone wi th myself. The idea of a little bit of time "home alone" l could handle, but an entire weekend, an entire 65 hours until my first class on M onday —that was terrifying! Until now, I had deliberately planned my entire l ife in su ch a way as to en su re that I was never left alone with myself for too long. Initially, I was afraid, then I became a little panicky, and finally I was completely terrified. It was like I was in a ho rror movie! I remember thinking t o myself, Something isn't quite right here. Surely I shouldn't be t his frightened to be with me! It also occu rred to me that if I found the p rosp ect of s pending time with myself to be s o very awful, why would it be reasonable to expect anyone else to find that s ame pros pect app ealing? I knew that I was in deep trouble. It was t he d ecision I made next that was to change my life forever. I decided to st op running from mys elf. I took th e plug out o f the TV set , the radio, the s tereo, and the ph one. I then went and lay on m y bed an d s tared up at th e ceiling. Immediately I felt b ored. Totally bored. The lonelines s was intolerable. I w asn 't enjoying myself. I soo n b egan to cry and cry and cry. I cried for s o long that I remember having to d rink water to rehydrate! I felt wave upon wave of what I can only des cribe as self-hatred wash over my body. My s tomach in particular felt awful. I barely slept th at night. All through Satu rday morning, I con tinued t o s truggle and wrest le free from my o wn company. The temptation to watch television, listen to the radio, or call my family was at times overwhelming, but I somehow knew that this would only be a distraction. I felt as if these feelings of self-doubt and self-hate had been chasing after me all my life, and now, finally, I didn't want to run anymore. I took one breath at a time and one feeling at a time. I simply decided to watch every awful judgment and feeling I'd st ored up agains t mys elf. I decided there would be no m ore defenses and no more distractions. The s upply of awful judgments and criticisms seemed inexhau stible. Still, I too k one breath at a time and o ne feeling at a time. I also s aid a lot of prayers. It was o n Sun day afternoon, when t ime had already become a blur, that I eventu ally b egan to experience what I would call a miracle. I became aware of a stillness in the apartment. I was also feeling strangely peaceful. This peace seemed to emerge from the s ame place in my belly where all the pain had come from. As each moment passed, I felt more and more peaceful. For so me reason, I no long er felt lonely being o n my own. For the first time in my life, I found my own company to be totally acceptable. I wasn't just putting up with me; I was actually liking being with me. I even remember thinking h ow lovely it would be if Monday morning could be put back a little! I emerged that weekend from what felt like an emotional fever in which I faced, with g race, some very dark fears. At last I knew what it felt like to be happy with myself.
You and t he #1 Happiness Principl e The s tory of my weekend s erves t o illustrate a most fund amental principle of happines s, on e that is at the h eart of The Happiness Project's ph ilos ophy. This princi ple states that . . .
unless you're happy with yourself, you will not be happy.
This p rinciple qu ite clearly h as so me far-reaching implications. It is pivotal to the whole sub ject of happ iness . To unders tand it better, it's pos sible to d ivide th e #1 Happiness Principle into four main parts . Each part t hrows light on t he fundamental importance of Self-acceptance and inner peace for experiencing h appiness now. 1
1. What You Do Part I of the #1 Happiness Principle predicts quite uneq uivocally th at . . . unless you're happy with yourself, you won't be happy with what you do.
Your ego projects its self-judgments onto every on e of you r achievements , withou t exception. Thus , your judgments about yours elf and abo ut what you do will always be identical. If, therefore, you judge you rself as " not g ood en ough ," whatever you do , no matter how good it looks to ot hers, will never ever be quite "go od eno ugh" to yo u. No amoun t of achievement can chan ge this. 2 In my 20s, I was what you might call a typical "high achiever ." Two clinics, fou r published boo ks, depu ty ed itor of the count ry's leading holistic-heal th journal, my o wn radio call-in s how, thou san ds of media features worldw ide, and hu ndreds of keynote con ference s peeches and workshops were all added t o my pers onal résumé, which, like a bodybu ilder's biceps, bulged a bit too big! Like many h igh achievers, it was m y s incere hope th at eno ugh achievement would s omeday b ring me a bit of peace and happines s. Some of my ach ievements were literally for the joy o f it all, but most o f them were driven by a need to prove mys elf. Indeed, all throug h my 20s, I was s o bu sy proving myself that I had n o time to accept myself. Success seemed like salvation. So I set out to be a s ucces s, ho ping that eno ugh o f it would drown out the nois e of my ego. Achievement w as meant to offer respite from my cons tant s elf-judgment and " not g ood enoug h" s cript. At the very least, achievement kept me bus y. Being bus y is like a behavioral Valium—you don't feel your feelings and y ou don't notice your judgments when you 're bus y "do ing." You have to keep "doing," though, or the self-hatred returns when you try to rest. Achievement for th e joy of it is healthy, f or you r motive is love an d yo ur worth is nev er ques tioned. Achievement becau se you need it is problematic. What I've slowly come to learn, only to forget again periodically, is . . . no amount of "doing" can compens ate complete ly for a lack of "being ."
Over the last few years, I've had the privilege of working with many highly accomplished people, particularly in the world of bu sines s (and th eir résumés bu lge even bigger th an my own). Time and time again I've witnes sed how mass ive amount s of perso nal achievement s till amount to " noth ing" as long as there is little or no Self-acceptance. Achievem ent, it seems, can be a wonderful boo st t o the ego , but . . . in no way is achievement a complete s olution for lows elf-es teem. Go ahead and ach ieve, by all means . It can be g reat fun, esp ecially when you do s o for the joy o f it. But make no mistake—"X" amoun ts of achievement will not buy you " X" amoun ts of happines s. Indeed, no amoun t of achievement will do for yo u what y ou're not p repared to d o for you rself—that is, accept yo ur Self. Achievement can be fun, bu t it is no t salvation. Happiness occurs naturally when you change your mind about yourself, when you give up your conditioning and accept yo ur Self—your whole Self. Once you can accep t that you are indeed "go od en ough ," all of your achievem ents will also b e "good enou gh," but not u ntil then.
2. Where You Are The s econd p art of the #1 Happines s Principle focus es o n the relations hip between happines s an d environment. It states that . . . unless you're happy with yourself,you won't be happy with where you are.
Dawn was one of three people who agreed to be filmed by QED on my Eight-Week Happiness Program for the BBC documentary How to Be Happy. During our first meeting, Dawn told me how she had moved some 13 times in recent years in search o f happines s." I first get as far away from my family as I could," s he s aid. hoped if me." I put s ome phy sical dist ance between me moved and mytopain, I would be free again, but wherever I moved, my "I pain camethat with Dawn h ad decided to t ake the Eight-Week Happi nes s Program becaus e, in her words, " Everywhere I moved to I was really happy at first. But then the no velty would go, and th e happ iness so on wore off. The only problem with each new place was th at I kep t turn ing up there! I wasn't happy with me. I can see now that until I'm happy with me, nowhere will be good enough." I explained to Dawn during our times together that . . . healing is not about changing your address; healing is about changing your mind about yourself—that is, giving up your self-judgments.
A beautiful mans ion adorned with p riceless antiques may v ery well ins pire happiness initially, but this change of address cannot compens ate completely for a lack of inner peace. It's certainly true that an environment may encourage peace o f mind, but n o env ironment can give you peace of mind. 3 Why is this the cas e? The answer l ies in understanding that
erce tion is ro ectio n. How you s ee anyt hing external to
you is exactly how you s ee yours elf. Each judgment about yo urself muddies t he lens of you r perception s o that everything yo u s ee is s tained with th at judgment. It was the philos opher Immanuel Kant who wr ote: "We see things not as they are, but as we are."
For as long as you judge you rself "not go od en ough ," then no mansion, garden, lux ury yacht , or five-star ho tel will be totally satisfactory. At first, all may app ear well, but that's becaus e you 're in wonder and h ave forgotten to judg e you rself. Once you 're s ettled and everything b ecomes familiar, then the self-judg ments will darken the lens of you r perceptions once more. We search th e world for a heav en on earth, yet heav en is n ot a phy sical place and neither is hell. Heaven and h ell are states of mind. Guilt is hell, fear is hell, judgment is hell; heaven is love and Self-acceptance. Heaven and hell are in your mind, and yo ur mind goes with y ou wherever you go. It was t he English poet John Milton who wrote: "The m ind is its o wn place, and in itself, / Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heav en." 4 It is precisely f or this reas on th at the mystics of old kept telling their disciples . . . to change the world, first change your mind.
My work with The Happiness Project do es focus on o ne place in particul ar—not a ph ys ical place, but a s piritual place —a place right in the cen ter of you r being. This place is y our unconditioned Self. It is where the happ iness y ou long for resides. In A Course in Mira cles, this p lace is referred to as "The Changeless Dwelling Place": There is a place in you where this whole wor ld has been forgot ten; where no memory of s in and of illus ion lingers st ill. There is a p lace in yo u which time has left, and ech oes of eternity are heard. There i s a resting place so st ill no sou nd except a hymn to Heaven ri ses up to gladden God th e Father and the Son. Wh ere Both ab ide are They remembered, Both. And where They are is Heaven an d is peace.
3. Who You Are Wit h Part III of the #1 Happiness Principle offers a sobering thought about happiness and relationships, a thought that I expand upon in Chapter 7 of this bo ok. It s tates that . . . unless you're happy with yourself, you won't be happy with who you're with.
This is a particular ly sob ering th ough t, esp ecially for romantic relationsh ips, becaus e often th e very reason we desire to be with a partner is b ecause we're not h appy on o ur own! We search t he world over, des perately looking for a partn er who has a better opinion of us th an we do. When we eventu ally find s omeone, we demand th at this pers on love us even if we don't love ou rselves, and here we enter a Catch-22 becaus e, as long as we can't love and accept ou rselves, we find it impos sible to accept t heir love for us . Relationsh ips are deeply p ersonal—far more pers onal than we often realize. The bott om line is . . . your relationship with your Self sets the tone for every other relationship you have. To p ut it an other way, the way you relate to yourself ultimatel y determines (1) the way you relate to others, and (2) the way others relate to you. Your relations hip with o thers perfectly mirrors y our relations hip with y our Self. In particular, you project yo ur own self-criticism onto o thers co ns tantly. Usually, at first, you experience a ho neymoon period with new friends, lovers, children, and coll eagues , where they can do no wrong. Eventuall y, though, any unreso lved self-judgments will resurface and project outward, caus ing much mayhem and sep aration.
When you feel whole and bliss fully happ y, you forget to judge other peop le. This is becaus e you're not judging you r Self. As soon as you lose sight of your own wholeness, however, you judge yourself and everyone else. For as long as you b elieve that y ou're "not go od eno ugh," y ou'll try to improve yo urself and everyone else around y ou. In particular, your lover, your chil dren, and you r friends will not be s afe from you as you make it y our miss ion to "correct th eir faults." How many s ons have p aid the price for their father's wretched self-esteem ? How many partners have b een abus ed becau se of their partner's own s elf-hatred? How perfec t y our loved ones are already, and ho w perfect you are already . . . if only you could but see. Deep down, every opini on yo u have abo ut s omebody else is really only a projection of an opinion you hav e about yourself. Therefore . . . eventually everyone must pay for your own se lf-hatred; either that or you change your mind about yours el f.
You may find t hat ev ery now and then a new perso n will enter your life who appears to love y ou ev en more than you love y ours elf. I remember vividly how it h appened to me when I met my first wife, Miranda. Very quickly, it b ecame clear to me th at s he t houg ht more highly of m e th an I did myself. I ronically, it was also clear to me th at I th ough t more highly o f her than she did herself. We tried so hard in those early days to sabotage our relationship and push each other away. The love we experienced was so great it sh ook our s elf-doubt and s elf-hate to the v ery core. Eventu ally it all came down t o a simple choice—accept our Self and love each other . . . or hate o ur Self and s eparate. 5
4. What You Have Part IV of the #1 Happiness Principle takes us back to the idea th at happ iness is not in things; happiness is in us. It states that . . . unless you're happy with yourself, you won't be happy with what you have.
Nothing is eno ugh as lon g as you judge you r Self to be " not goo d eno ugh ." Nothing can make up for a lack of Selfacceptance. The ego, created by a th ough t of lack, can't ever be appeas ed and s atisfied; it can only be dropp ed! You must leave behind your egocon ditioning if you're to return to the h appiness of your uncon ditioned Self.
No amoun t of purchas es, produ cts , or pos sessions can give you p eace of mind. Once ag ain, they may very well encourage you to be happy, but they can't actually make you happy. Deep down we know this to be true, yet we still keep trying to find a s pecial "th ing" th at will "make" us happy. 6 The world is s erious ly into sh opping! Shop ping is no w our number one pas time. It is a great en tertainment, an art form , even. But sho pping is not , contrary to popu lar opinion, a purpose, a rai so n d'être, or a means to s alvation. No amount of shop ping can pu rchase joy—f or joy is not for sale. When it comes t o true joy, the truth is . . . true joy is not about changing your wardrobe; true joy is about changing your mind— that is, gi ving up your self-judgment.
No single pos session in the world can make you peaceful. Peace of mind is s omething you must cho os e for your Self. Mos t of us do no t believe this at first . This is why I encou rage people to take w hat I call "th e BMW Test ." Mos t peop le long to own a BMW (or a BMW eq uivalent-a Harley-Davids on, a h orse, a villa, a Versace t ie). My advice is, don 't resist! Try it. Go for it! Don't ho ld back! Do it s o th at yo u can prove to you rself that the world cann ot b y itself make you h appy. Herein lies the key to freedom. Remember the p hrase " What profiteth a man if he gaineth th e whole world and loses his s oul." 7 The "things" of this world are in no way "bad " or " wrong" or "s inful" as so me claim; they simply are not eno ugh. Joy is not abou t accumulation or achievement; it is ab out acceptance-Self —acceptance. In fact . . . Joy is Se lf-acceptance- it i s freedom from sel f-judgment.
When you accept yo ur Self, you accept joy nat urally. Joy is like an inner Light t hat radiates u pon an d enlightens everything yo u s ee. When y ou're happy, there i s b eauty an d purpo se in everyth ing. You are kind, philosop hical, and instant ly forgiving. When yo u're miserable, however, even you r favorite ice cream tas tes so ur and " not g ood en ough . Joy is miraculous. It can co lor everything. What price joy?Sometimes I think that what we really need is a d ifferent type of credit card—not on e for shopp ing, but a card that credits us with enou gh inner joy and inner peace to last an eternity . To be happy, all you really need do is give your Self, your whole Self, credit!
So What's Your Story? Toward the end of his life, English ph ilos opher Aldous Huxley gave an interview to a y oung journalist who was eager to extract gems of wisdom from the great man. When asked to sum up his lifetime's work, Huxley paused for a moment, and then smiled. "It's a b it embarrass ing," he s aid, "to have b een con cerned with th e human problem all one's life and find at th e end th at one h as no more to offer by way of adv ice than 'try to b e a little kinder.'" 8 Your ego and y our un conditioned Self both h ave a s tory to tell, each very d ifferent from one anoth er. Your ego sees itself in yo u. It is a th ough t of limitation an d lack, and b elieves , therefore, that you are in es sen ce, the Presence of Lack. The ego is nev er at peace—it canno t afford to be while it believes "ev erything good is outs ide." It attacks and critici zes y ou in order to motivate and s trengthen . It believes that judgment buys better protection and better performance. The ego's learned ch atter-chatt er sound s like the rap o f a megalomaniac sports coach who's cons tantly barking, "You can do b etter," "W hat's wrong with yo u?" "Come on," "Get a grip," "Work!" and "Try harder." Your unco nditioned Self is a tho ugh t of complete wholeness and b elieves that y ou are, in es sen ce, the Presence of Love. It sees no n eed for you t o improve up on y our wholeness ; it merely wants to be whole! Quite clearly, then, yo ur uncon ditioned Self sees things very differently from your ego. In fact . . . your ego and your s pir it have a different view on everything.
If the ego's p rayer is always "Look out!" then y our s pirit's p rayer is always "Look within!" for both your ego and you r spirit hav e a different s tory. Your ego cries "Look out!" becaus e it's afraid and becaus e it believes "ev eryth ing good is outs ide." Your s pirit sings "Look within!" becaus e it knows that yo u're complete and whole and h appy already. These stories couldn't be more different. Which will you believe? The ego compares its elf to ev erything and comes off badly. Having res earched the thinking o f the ego for many y ears now, I've come to th e conclus ion that the eg o's d isparaging judgm ents follow four main pat terns. Each pattern creates a st ory of (1) "I'm not good enoug h"; (2) "I'm wrong" ; (3) "I'm bad"; an d (4) "I'm nothing." In t ruth . . . none of the eg o's s tories about you are the truth, but that does n't mean they don't feel true.
There's no inherent power in any one of these ego storylines. They have no power at all, other than the strength of your belief. The more powerful your belief, the more powerfully each o f thes e st orylines appears in yo ur life. Indeed, it's pos sible to become so conditioned by y our own s toryline th at yo u eventu ally lose sight of th e fact that yo u're the on e who is perpetuat ing this fiction. The key is t o remember that every even t in your life can encou rage you to feel "not g ood en ough ," "wrong," "b ad," and "no thing," b ut n o even t can make you feel that way—only yo ur judgments and fears can do that. Ultimately, then, it is your belief that ei ther strengthens or undoes each of these ego storylines.
1. "I'm Not Good Enough"
Clive was a young, single, 29-year-old bank manager. He was five minutes late for our first appointment. "I'm so so rry, Mr. Holden. It really isn 't good enou gh," h e s aid. Not b eing good enou gh was the s tory of Clive's life. He was born into a poor family with b arely eno ugh t o go around. There was nev er enough clothes, food, or money, but t hey managed just fine. Clive's family comprised a mother, father, older brother, and younger sister. Dad wasn't home enough; he was always working. Clive's older brother, David, so unded like an ab so lute s upers tar. The way Clive des cribed David, I was su rprised he wasn't Managing Director of planet Earth by now. Clive always felt he was in David's shadow while growing up. Being the middle child, he felt he nev er really got en ough attent ion. Clive told me that his school years were okay but nothing special. He got good grades, but not good enough to go to the un iversity h e wanted. He had a few goo d friends and liked spo rts b ut was n ever good enou gh to make it his living. He was qu ite shy, particul arly aroun d girls. He played v iolin for a national youth orchest ra but h ad s topp ed playing. He felt that his p arents h ad never really given him enoug h encou ragement for anything. Clive finally foun d work at a local bank. H e had obvious ly done very well at his job, judging by the number of rapid promotions he go t. He didn't really see it that way, thou gh. To him, he'd don e all right, but h e could have done bett er. Clive was ob vious ly very competitive. He s uppo rted the und erdog in everyth ing. His confidence was low, but it was improving. "I'm getting there," he told me. Behind Clive's mild-mannered exterior, there was a perfectionist dictating the play. He denied th is, however. Clive had srcinally come to see me for som e therapy t o boo st his con fidence. I sug ges ted to him that I probab ly wouldn't be able to do a good enough job unless we took a look at one thought he'd expressed-"I'm not good enough." Togeth er, we looked at h ow this s ingle tho ught had s haped Clive's perso nal sto ry—that is, his history. I explained t o Clive that until he was willing to ch ange h is mind about himself, his life would always fall sh ort of being " good enoug h." The inner taunt of "I'm not good enoug h" is, if we're hones t, a common experience. Both cons ciously and unconsciously, we're constantly haunted by doubts and fears that who we are, what we have, and what we do is "not enoug h." As a co ns equence, we wander the globe in search of a treas ure called "en ough ." Sometimes we find what looks like "enoug h," on ly to end u p disap pointed an d let down. The fact is, w e will always be disap pointed u ntil we chang e our mind about our Self. Nothing is ever enough if you determine that you are not enough."
How do yo u know if "I'm not g ood en ough " is running th rough y our perso nal story? There are m any s igns, which include: • You act ually tell yourself, "I'm not goo d enough." • According to you, your bes t is never quite good enou gh. • You d emand p erfection o f yours elf, but y ou d on't th ink you ever achieve it. • You b elieve yo u nev er get eno ugh approval or recognition from others . • You co mpare yours elf unfavorably to everyone who matters to y ou. • You d on't think your s elf-esteem is as high as others '. • Envy and jealousy abound. • Physically, you think you're not tall enough, not short enough, not light enough, not heavy enough, not pretty enough, and so on. • Mentally, you think you're not intelligent enoug h, creative eno ugh, o r clever enoug h. • You cons istently dismiss and ov erlook your personal succes ses and goo d fortune. • Your needs , compared to o thers', aren't important en ough to be sh ared. • You never have enou gh of anyth ing—money, time, rest—whatever. • You at tract peop le into your life who make you feel "no t go od en ough ." • Deep down yo u believe that y ou hav e no right to you r place in t he world. • You ov erachieve in an effort to prove to others and yo urself that you're good en ough .
2. "I'm Wrong" I had a client, Sus an, who had conv inced herself sh e was "wrong." Sus an believed, for ins tance, that s he was an "unwanted child." She also believed that she was the wrong sex because her parents had always wanted a son and had never gott en one. Sus an told me sh e was srcinally s uppo sed to be called Angela, but h er mother determined that s he wasn't pretty enough to be an "angel, " s o s he was call ed Susan instead. Both her mother and her father were unloving toward her . She felt that they made each oth er unhapp y and that t hey weren't su ited to each o ther. Her father was a st ern man who con tinually pu nished her for getting "everyth ing wrong." Susan des cribed her ent ire life as a catalog o f mistakes, accidents, and disas ters, with everyth ing always "go ing wrong."
Now, in her early 40s, Susan felt very lonely and depress ed. She des cribed hers elf as a " misfit." She had nev er married ("I never found Mr. Right!"). As a y oung adult s he was very rebellious, and sh e often mixed with the wrong p eople. Now sh e was jus t keeping to h erself. Also, s he always apo logized for herself and had become very cynical . "Everything alw ays goes wrong," she said. Susan 's s ess ions with me centered o n forgiveness . She was ang ry at her mother, her father, and, mos t of all, herself. This unres olved anger perpetuated her sto ry of "I'm wrong." "I know you've b een enco uraged to think you're 'wrong' and 'not enoug h,' but th is isn't true," I ex plained. Over time, Susan began to u nders tand that her belief of "I'm wrong " was a s elf—fulfilling prophecy. "Wrong d ecisions are made by people who believe in wrong decisions ," I told her. Sus an learned to chan ge her mind abo ut herself. Common signs of the "I'm wrong" ego st oryline include: • You often tell yours elf, "I'm wrong." • You're afraid of getting t hings wrong. • You b elieve th ings will always go wrong, and then they do. • You feel cursed. • You feel that you 're a misfit. • You feel like an impostor. • You feel misunders tood , believing th at peo ple take what y ou s ay " the wrong way." • You feel very un comfortable when thing s appear to be going really well. • You fear that everything is yo ur fault. • You feel like the black sheep-in the wrong family and the wrong place. • You're convinced that yo u're living in the wrong t ime and o n the wrong planet ! Nowhere feels like home. • Your th eme s ong is: "If There's a Wrong Way to Do It!" • You're clumsy an d make a lot of mistakes. • In relations hips, you 're attracted to "Mr. or Ms . Wrong." • When things are "going right," you worry about what can "go wrong." • You o ver-compens ate by insisting t hat y ou're always right and never wrong.
3. "I'm Bad" Our greates t fear is that o ur core is rott en. The ego, or conditioned self, has lear ned to believe not only that " everything good is outs ide," but also th at "everyth ing bad mus t be inside." The fear of "I' m bad" is a vicious rumor that tries to convince you that n ot on ly did Adam eat a bad app le, but t hat you a re tha t ba d apple. We prefer not to look within o ur Self, jus t in cas e this rumor holds so me truth. Hence, the rumor l ives o n. The "I'm bad" ego s toryline can take many twists and tu rns. It gives rise to much s uperst ition replete with dev ils; demons ; and d angerous , angry gods . Bad dreams, bad experiences, and bad en dings are common, for as long as we believe that we may be " bad," our life mus t inevitably reflect th is. Once again, if we chang e our minds ab out ourselves , we will change o ur life experience. Common s igns o f an "I'm bad" ego s toryline include: • You often tell yourself, "I'm no good." • The best you feel is "not bad." • Your life is cons tantly in a " bad s pot." • People treat you badly. • You treat you rself even worse. • You were a " naugh ty" child. • You are a rebel with a " bad attitude." • You h ave "b ad day s" when you r mood is very dark. • You are always in s omebody 's " bad g races." • Someone is always in you r "bad graces." • You feel guilty abou t everyt hing. • You b elieve t hat y ou're a s inner. • You co mmit crimes and do "bad" th ings . • You have an avers ion to any type of criticism.
• You're attracted to people who are "b ad" for you. • You n ever commit to anyo ne becau se y ou fear "bad en dings ." • You b elieve all good th ings mus t come to an end. • You ov er-compens ate by always having to "do good " and " be goo d," whether you lik e it or not.
4. "I'm Nothing" All of your f ears about being "wr ong," "bad," and "not g ood enough " are "nothing" in that they are not the truth about you. They are a lie. They on ly feel like "so mething" becaus e of the power you g ive to th em. Withdraw this p ower, and "no thing" o f these fears is left, for they're illusions . The ego is "no thing," and it's no t su rprising, therefore, that th e ego's greatest fear is "I'm noth ing." The "I'm noth ing" ego s toryline is bas ed on a fear that if you d on't become "so mebod y," yo u'll end up a "no bod y." According to this s toryline, there is no uncon ditioned Self. You h ave no su bs tance, no s piritual Self. It's becaus e you believe this t hat when you look for your spiritual Self you find " nothing ." This is also the reas on why when yo u pray an d meditate, "noth ing happens " and you " feel noth ing." As you ch ange yo ur mind, you'll change your experience. Common s igns o f the " I'm noth ing" ego st oryline include: • You often tell yours elf, "I'm not hing." • Whatever you feel, "It's no thing." • You feel like "a nob ody." • Growing up, you were the invisible child. • You fear that your life will "amount to nothing." • You feel that " noth ing much" happen s in your life. • "Nothing" ev er works ou t th e way you hope it will. • You o ften get d epress ed. • You often feel overlooked. • You believe that "no thing and n obod y" can ev er help you. • There is n o God and there is "n othing" to believe in. • You often feel like a doormat. • You attract peo ple who make you feel "like nothing ." • You have no time for yo urself. • You dream of being a "s omebody." • You o ver-compens ate by always b eing an exhibition ist, very pub lic, and always getting no ticed. "I'm wrong ," "I'm bad," " I'm noth ing," and " I'm not goo d eno ugh" are four common s torylines that have emerged from the t hinking of you r ego, or cond itioned self. These s torylines , and ot hers, all reflect the ego's fundamental fear of lack, guilt, and u nworthiness . No matter how s trongly yo u've learned t o identify with t hes e s torylines , the fact remains, they 're untrue, and . . . you are not your e go!
Can You Forgive Yourself? Forgiveness is the choice for wholeness. Many times in your life you may have felt "n ot g ood enoug h," b ut it's a mist ake to s ay, "I'm not good enou gh." Similarly, it's one thing to judge a behavior as "not good enou gh," but it's quite another to judge yourself as "not good enough." Accordingly, you may th ink you get things wrong, b ut it's a mistake to s ay " I am wrong." You may judge a decis ion as "bad ," but it's a mistake to say, "I am bad" ; and althoug h you may appear to h ave "n othing," it's a m istake to say " I am nothing." You can not be a victim and b e happy. You can not judge, criticize, and berate yo ur Self and b e happy. You may judge that you've made mistakes in your pas t, but they are not your identity. No matter how many mistakes you think you've made, you a re not your mistak es. To be happ y, you h ave to know that th is is true. To be truly happ y, you mus t be willing to give up th e st ory of you r ego. In other words, you have to be willing to give up you r identity w ith the self "that has been wronged," "th at did not get the love, " " that does n't feel good enough," " that grew up poor," "that was once abused," "that is unlucky," "that always has to fight," "that was unpopular," "that was bullied," "that failed at something," " that is a slow learner," "that no thing goo d ever happens to," "that g ets everyt hing wrong," " that is s hy," "that was o nce rejected," and so on. Thes e experiences do no t define who yo u really are. The proces s for und oing your s elf-judgment, self-doub t, and s elf-hatred (that is, your ego con ditioning) is forgiveness.
Mos t often, when we tal k about forgiveness we talk about "d oing" s omething to s omeone else. The forgi venes s I'm sp eaking of is q uite different and much more perso nal. 9 For me, true forgivenes s is a self-healing process that s tarts with you an d gradually extends to everyon e else. In es sen ce . . . true forgivenes s is a will ingnes s to change your mind about your Sel f.
Forgivenes s is the process of giving up y our limited self-concept for you r whole Self. The willingness to forgive yours elf is really the willingness to replace thoug hts of fear with th oug hts of love, though ts of condemnation wi th thoughts of kindnes s, thou ghts of doubt with th oughts of trust. Forgi veness is transform ational-it gives you back you wholeness in exchange for all you r learned fears. Th e unco nditioned Self is remembered as you forgive y ourself for all your fearful self-doubts and s elf-judgments . What will you value more—the s tory of you r ego, or the s tory of you r uncond itioned Self? Forgiveness is like a cosmic eraser that rubs out th e pencil marks t he ego h as d rawn upo n you r mind. Forgiveness works in the pres ent. It teaches y ou that (1) you are n ot th e pain of yo ur pas t, and (2) the pain of yo ur pas t is o ver now. Ultimately, forgiveness un does illusions of weakn ess and limitation; through forgiveness you become whole and joyous once more. With forgiveness , you cho os e to forget you r conditioning and remember the truth abo ut yo ur uncond itioned Self. Forgi veness leads to enlig htenment— that is , reclaiming your inner Light.
Who is the "Light of the World" if it's not you? Through forgiveness, you wipe away your fears, you undo your doub ts , and you wash away all darkness to reveal the Light o f your unco nditioned Self once more. Forgiven ess gives you back your freedom. The following proces s is a t ypical example of a forgiveness meditation us ed at The Happines s Project. Take a moment to be s till and t o sit with this p roces s as y ou read it either out loud or quietly within you r mind. This proces s will allow you to relax, and release and let go of yo ur fears. It offer s you a chance to forgive you rself for the t imes you've at tacked, criticized, and judged your Self. Breathe freely, and allow each inhalation and exhalation to b e eas y, effortless , and natural. As you read, take a moment to paus e and t o breathe fully af ter each s entence.
"I forgive myself for all th e times I have been so ha rd on myself." "I forgive myself for all the t imes I have cond emned myself." "I forgive myself for all the times I have been cruel and un k ind to myself in any way." "I forgive myself for all the times I have criticized an d betrayed myself. " "I forgive myself for all the times I have told myself that I'm not goo d enoug h." "I forgive myself for all the times I have told myself that I'm wrong." "I forgive myself for all the times I have told myself that I'm bad." "I forgive myself for all the times I have told myself that I'm noth ing." "I forgive myself f or bei ng afraid." "I forgive myself f or feeling unwo rthy." "I forgive myself for all my judgments." "I forgive myself f or al l my mistak es." "Throug h forgiveness, I am ready to remem ber the truth a bout my Self, no matter how bea utiful it i s." "Throug h forgiveness, I am ready to remem ber the truth a bout my Self, no matter how won derful it is." "Through forgiveness, I am ready to love and trust again." "Through forgiveness, I am ready to trust in love again." "I am willing , now, to accep t I am not my fears. " "I am willing, now, to accept I am not un worthy." "I am willing, now, to accept I am not gu ilty." "I am willi ng, now, to accep t I am free." "Throug h forgiveness, I am fr ee to enjoy love." "Throug h forgiveness, I am f ree to enjoy peace." "Throug h forgiveness, I am f ree to enjoy hap piness." "Throug h forgiveness, I am free to enjoy my Self." "I am willing , now, to forgive an d be free." "I am willing, now, to forgive and be h appy." "I am willing , now, to forgive an d be free." "I am willing, now, to forgive and be h appy."
CHAPTER 4 Practicing Acceptance In the early d ays of The Laugh ter Clinic, I des igned a wealth o f exercises and t echniques called " CreativeGrowth Games," which helped to cultivate a greater awarenes s an d acceptan ce of joy and happines s. 1 Many o f these games were made up q uite spo ntaneo us ly and are still used to t his day in The Happiness Project. The following invo lves three of these games. One afternoon at the clinic, I gave the participants a creative-growth game for homework called Happy Days. The challenge o f this exercise is to d edicate one day a month to on e's own pers onal nourishment, w ell-being, and h appines s. When asked for further i nformation, I sugg est ed that people might want to us e this t ime to be kind to themselves, to rest , to hav e an adv enture, to try s omething new, or simply to practice grati tude. Everyone loved th e idea, and there was a sen se of real excitement as people went h ome. One month later, I asked t he g roup t o s hare their experiences of Happy Days. A rather awkward silence followed. It turned out that not one of 30 people had given themselves a Happy Day. A "lack of time" s eemed to be th e chief obst acle. A whole day of hap piness on t op of a career, hous ework, the children, grocery sh opping, and gardening was as king a little too much. Not to b e deterred, I came up with an oth er exercise for homework called Happy Hou r. "Once a week, I would like you t o take one hour—a Happy Hour— to nou rish yours elf with love, treats, and kindness . I want you to feed your s piritual bank account ," I said. The next week, I sugg est ed we begin with a roun d-up of Happy Hours. More silence. No one h ad don e the exercise. Once again "lack of ti me" was cited, and also "to o much to do ," "th e children," "I forgot," an d "I was t oo tired to do anything." "I hav e a n ew exercise for you," I said. "It's called An Ecstatic 60 Secon ds! The challenge of this game i s t o give yours elf one minute a d ay to s top ev erything and s imply be happy. " "What can you do in just one minute?" s omeone asked. "You can smell a flower, smile for no reas on, say t han k you for so mething, breath e in peace, recite a favorite prayer, say an affirmation like 'I accept happiness easily, effortlessly, and naturally,' massage your head, whatever you like," I suggested. One week later—you've probably gues sed by no w—I learned th at not o ne s ingle person had been able to enjoy An Ecsta tic 60 Seconds for each of the s even d ays since we last met. Some had managed on e or two brief bouts of joy, but that was all. When I asked why this was the cas e, many of th e participants tried to co nvince me that An Ecsta tic 6 0 Seconds isn't always practical, and that s ome days are much bet ter suited to it than others . This s eries of events was a tu rning p oint for me in my work. It really sh owed me in no u ncertain terms that . . . lack of time is never a real obstacle to happiness.
Life has certainly been s peeding up . That I acknowledge. Do you remember, for ins tance, ho w as a y oung teenager yo ur summer vacation felt like an eternity? Those eight weeks or so were an absolute lifetime! And do you remember how, when you were four or five years old, every day fel t like it went on an d on ? Something ob vious ly happens to u s when we hit 21 —it's as if life goes on fas tforward, and all of a sudden t he months g o by like the weeks us ed to , and th e weeks go b y like the days used to. For many of us, life is faster than ever, we're busier than ever, and we work longer hours than ever. We live our lives on the run —juggling du ties, meeting resp ons ibilities, always waiting in line for s omething, paying the bills, catching u p o n our "t o do " lists , and s o on . We're in a race agains t time. Time is precious , so we "buy time," "s teal time," and "make time," but still . . . "time flies." No matter what we do, it appears th at we're simply too bus y to b e happy. The ques tion is, thou gh, how much time does it really take to be ha ppy? Happiness is of the m oment—it is timeless —and, therefore, each of us s urely has time enou gh to be h appy. I sug ges t that . . . it takes as much time to be happy as it does to be depressed or resentful.
Happiness requires no extra time. In fact, it requir es no time at all. As I've already s tated, h appiness waits on welcome, not on time. The exercise An Ecsta tic 6 0 Second s proved to me beyond a dou bt that " lack of time" is n ot an auth entic obs tacle to happ iness . "Lack of time" is a s mokescreen—it hides the real obs tacle, the on ly obs tacle-to accept ing happiness now.
Happiness and Self-Acceptance A little bit of pleasure every now and t hen—an o ccasional 60 seco nds of joy—is for mos t of us quite acceptable and much appreciated. After all , it more than makes u p for t he work, the to il, the su ffering, an d t he s acrifice th at went before. We're comfortable with life's little pleasures; we're less comfortable, however, with prolonged happiness, full-blown joy, and everlasting bliss. Ask yourself, "How much happiness can I really handle?" One hour, perhaps? A week, a month, a year, a lifetime? For how long can you live with happiness and joy before you begin to question and doubt what is happening? For how long can you completely accept b eing peaceful bef ore you become rest less and anxious ? For how long can you unco nditionally en o someone's love and attention before ou row uncomfortable? For how lon can ou acce t and trust the feelin of
complete freedom, before you decide it mus t end ? The real iss ue isn 't time; it's accep tance, and , in particular, Selfacceptance. Happiness and Self-acceptance go hand in hand. In fact, you r level of Self-acceptance determ ines y our level of happiness . The more Self-acceptance you have, the more happ iness you 'lls allow yours elf to accept, recei ve, and enjoy. In other words . . . you enjoy as much happines s as you beli eve you're worthy of.
Happiness is natural, easy, and effortless when your Selfacceptance is high, but happiness is blasphemous when your Selfacceptance is low . When you feel low, you d ream of being hap py, but yo u also secretly fear that maybe you 're not worthy of happiness, s o yo u ques tion, doubt, resi st, tes t, defend agai nst, ov erlook, and push away invitations to b e happy. To withhold Self-acceptance is to judge th at yo u're not worthy of happ iness . You cannot , however, have low Selfacceptance and happiness. To persist with a judgment of unworthiness and also accept happiness is too much of a contradiction—one that will leave you feeling g uilty. How can you accept hap piness and also believe that you don't deserve it? You attract what you believe you des erve. Thus , not only do you en joy as much happ iness as yo u believe you are worthy of, but . . . you suffer as much pain as you bel ieve you're worthy of.
Self-acceptance (that is , Self-worth) is t he key to both happ iness and un happ iness . If you can accept y ours elf as whole, worthy, and well, then h appines s is n atural and acceptable to you. If, however, you judge you rself as " not g ood en ough ," then you're not good enoug h for happi ness . Indeed, for as long as you judge that you're "not good enough," you must always throw happines s off for fear of guilt.
Happiness and the Gui lt Thing The mos t pop ularly attended worksh op at The Happiness Project is called How to Be So Happ y You Almost Feel Guilty, but Not Quite! This s hould come as no s urprise to you , for the greatest obs tacle to accepting happiness is our guilt, and we have plenty of it. What is guilt? Well, simply put, guilt is the belief that yo u do n ot deserve hap pin ess. It is th e belief that you are "n ot good enou gh," " wrong ," "bad ," and " noth ing." This belief is learned. It is n ot natu ral to yo ur uncon ditioned Self. It is a thought of lack, and all thoughts of lack belong to the ego—that part of you that hopes for happiness but ultimately has learned t o believe that y ou're not really worthy o f it. We long for happines s, b ut we also judge that we're far too guilty to accept it. We like the idea of happ iness ; it feels good . But wehap also fears that maybea it's s elfish, wrong, ate,r or andsacrifice, t hat it comes with a hidden . We've learned to believe that pines d emands p ayback—so me suinappropri ffering, labo perhap s. Guilt isn 't co juststab out hap pines s, however. Have you n oticed, for ins tance, that . . . whatever you most desire is what you feel mos t gui lty about!
The ego feels guilty about happiness because it feels guilty about everything, particularly nice things . Take pleasu re, for instance. Pleasure i s h appiness of the bod y; it is en joyment of the s ens es. Pleasure is ab out b eautiful colors, rich aromas, wonderful mus ic, a healing touch , and exotic tas tes . We've also learned to b elieve, however, that pleasure is of the devil. 2 Somehow we've learned to b elieve th at pleasu re is "s o go od it's a sin." We fear that t oo much pleasu re can kill off all morals, su bvert all virtues, and ruin all values. All by itself, pleasure can, ap parently, lead to hedon ism, laziness , selfish nes s, an archy, war, damnation, the end o f the world, and th e do wnfall of the g overnment! Sex is pleasu re. The idea th at s ex is natu ral, good fun, and h ealthy s ound s really great, very logi cal, objective, and mature, but most of us still feel "guilty as hell" talking about "you know what." Personally, I still vividly remember how all through my teen age years I felt abs olute angs t abo ut t he " nud ge-nudg e, winkwink" iss ue. In particul ar, I remember the agony of visiting th e pharmacist to bu y cond oms. My p lanning was military. I us ed to th ink days ahead. Mos t often I would pick a drugstore out of town, where nobody knew me. Also, the cashier could not look like my mum, my dad, or my biology t eacher. Attractive women cashiers were also to be avoided at all cos ts ! I eventually los t coun t of how many times I visited t he pharmacy to buy condo ms, on ly to leave with y et anot her tube of too thpas te. Please don 't judge me too h arshly. Remember, I'm English , and my co nditioning has been mos t th orough . Indeed, to the res t o f the world, the idea that the English actu ally reproduce sexually is completely unb elievable! Our secrecy betrays our shame. Sex, "in the b iblical sen se," was app arently what got us all into troub le in th e first p lace. If Adam hadn't go tten all hot and b othered abo ut Eve, maybe we would still be whole and worthy of happ iness . Religion and mythology t each us to be guilty ab out sex. For young boys , this g uilt is forever rei nforced, particul arly at b ath t ime when parents impart s uch wisd om as " Play with it and it will fall off" and "Do th at ag ain and y ou'll go blind." Young girls go throug h s omething similar, I'm told. We've learned to feel guil ty ab out everything we li ke. Food is "n aught y, but nice." Mon ey is t he " root of all evil." Peace and res t are dangerous , for "the devil makes us e of idle hands ." Laughter "wi ll end in tears." Success will ruin yo u. Indeed, our learned resp ons e to s ucces s an d happ iness has many parallels. For instance, have y ou ever experienced " fraud gu ilt," the belief that yo ur succes s is really a mistake and that yo u don 't deserve it? The real test is to find s omething yo u're not guilty about. G uilt is s o wides pread, however, that I would have to s ay th at .
.. guilt is not so much an emotion— it is more a way of life.
Guilt is a way of life built upon a conditioned belief of unworthiness. 3 For as long as you judge yourself to be unworthy, you will never be able to freely accept hap pines s. You will attempt to bargain, barter, pay for, and exchan ge happines s for something less pleasant, bu t even t hen, withou t Self-acceptance, happines s will feel uncomfortable. Self-acceptance an d happ iness are both impos sible while you b elieve in guilt—that is, that y ou do not d eserve happiness. If you replace the phrase "Selfacceptance and happiness" with "Self-acceptance is happiness," th en maybe you'll see more clearly how important it is to let go of guilt. Ultimately, letting go of guilt is undoing the ego.
Undoing Your Ego Our world is littered with man-made myths , su perst itions , and st ories of creation th at tell tall tales o f our des cent from heaven, our fall from grace, and our s eparation from God. According to thes e myths , Creation d id not really begin with Light, but with guilt and unworthiness. The mythologies of Egypt, Greece, Rome, Scandinavia, the Celtic Lands, and the Bible are full of fearful stories—ego nightmares—of drunken, s ex-crazed, violent god s full of anger an d d isdain for their creati ons . The s tory o f Adam and Eve and their rejection from Eden is well known, for instance. Another story, from Egypt, tells how humans were first born as fish inside the tear of an angry and disill us ioned god ; the tear dropped to earth and form ed the ocean s. 4 The Christ ian tradition reflects a confus ion that exists in many o ther major religious and philosoph ical traditions . On the one hand, t here are Christ ians who believe in a God of Love and who believe in man's srcinal blessing— that is, that you and I are, in essence, whole, worthy, and well.5 On the oth er hand, there are C hristians who as k God to bless bombs, who fear God's vengean ce, and who b elieve in srcinal sin-that is, th at yo u and I are guilty. The Catholic Church is known to many as "The Guilty Church." I remember one ex-client of mine, a Catholic, who once told me, "I know I'm guilty—I just don't know what I'm guilty of." Guilt is not exclusive, however, to Catholics, contrary to what some Catholics might think. The Jewish faith is riddled with guilt. The Hindus have their "karma." The Muslims are cons tantly at oning. Guilt is quite clearly n onden ominational! I remember giving a talk calledHow to Be So Happ y You Almost Feel Guilty, but No t Quite! to a group of orthodox Christians. We met in a village hall, in the middle of the countryside, on a dark, wet, and windy winter evening. In summing up th e great teachings o f Jesus Christ, I reminded my audience how Jesu s h imself said, "These t hings h ave I spo ken unto you, t hat my joy might remain in you, an d th at yo ur joy might be co mplete." 6 I also mentioned h ow the Bible speaks o f the "joy of thy Lord," of "joy [as] th e fruit of the s pirit" and o f heaven as "a kingd om of joy." My aud ience appeared to enjoy thes e references, and th e youn g priest who had invited m e esp ecially enjoyed t hem. The old priest looked quite s tern, however. I went o n to remind my aud ience that Jes us also s aid, "You are th e Light of the World" 7 and "Ye are Gods."8 I talked of srcinal bless ing and o f the idea that heaven and Eden are really th e uncon ditioned Self in all of us. The au dience looked to th e old priest for guidance. Next, I sug ges ted t hat t he best way to accept t he joy of God is t o stop defining yo urself as a " sinner" an d accep t your role as the " Light of the World." At th is point, all hell brok e loose. "It is because I am a sinner, that I know I will one day be happy with God," s aid the old priest. I replied, "It is b ecause I know yo u are not a sinner that you can be happy with God right n ow." The ap plause was so mewhat muted at th e end of my talk! From an early age, then , we're encouraged to th ink that o ur ess ence is no t love, but gu ilt. We're taught st range ideas such as: • Guilt is n atural. • Guilt is good. • It's bad t o feel not gu ilty. • Withou t gu ilt, anarchy rules. • Guilt makes you act "good." • Guilt s hows t hat yo u care. • Guilt s hows that you're s orry. • Guilt s tops you from sinning. Of cours e, the reason we sin s o much—that is, act up and play "b ad"—is becau se we feel so guilty in the first place. Guilt begets guilt. Guil t cannot take you to love, peace, or happines s .
In our childhood, our parents s ang hy mns o f guilt to us , such as "Now look what you 've done," "You s hould be ash amed of yours elf," "We're very disappo inted in you," and " How could you d o this to us ?" Other great hym ns of guilt include, " Do you know how much we've sacrifi ced for y ou?" "You are so selfish," " You'll be the death of me," and "You'll sen d me to my grave." Children are q uick learners. We made u p s ome go od hymns o f guilt, too , su ch as "It's so unfair," "You don't love me,"
"Why can't we have one, too?" "We never go anywhere," and "Please, just this once." At s chool we're told by ou r teachers: "Wh at would your Mo mmy s ay?" At chu rch we're reprimanded with " What would God t hink?" At Christ mast ime we're interrogated with "Have y ou really been a goo d bo y all year?"At work , our bos s gives us anoth er "Wh atever you d o, don't s crew up" pep talk; and back i n the ap parent s afety of our own hom e, our lover tells us , "You n ever take me out " and "You d on't love me." You can beg in to undo your ego an d let go of your cond itioning right n ow if you can accept an d adhere to a most fundamental key to happiness: You cannot teach others that they're guilty if you're to be free of guilt yourself.
It's important to understand that, on the level of consciousness, thoughts are never given away; they're always shared. Therefore, if you t each others that th ey s hould be gu ilty, you're simultaneous ly teaching yours elf that yo u s hou ld be guilty, too. Also , when yo u judge s omeone as unworthy of happ iness , you are in that v ery same ins tant telling yo urself that you are also unworthy. The reverse of this principle is that every time you affirm others' goo dnes s, t heir inner light, t heir original bless ing, their innocence, yo u're affirming these qualities for yo urself, also. The truth is, either we're all free or none o f us is. You can't buy you r freedo m at anyon e else's expense. Happines s wou ld have you co mmit to the idea t hat y ou are, in ess ence, not guilty and neither is an yone else.
You Don't Deserve Happiness The following s tory is o ne I often t ell at The Happines s Project: There once was a monk who traveled from village to village, smiling. His name was Ananda, which translated means "joy" o r "bliss ." He had no home, no money, and no pos ses sions to s peak of. He wore a saffron robe, s ome bead s, and a wonderful smile that he gave away to ev eryon e he met. So warm, so loving, and s o infectious was his smile that everyon e else would also s mile in his p resence. One day the monk met a boy, also called Anan da. The b oy walked bes ide the monk along a winding path . He asked th e monk, "Are you a holy man?" The monk smiled. "I am as holy as you are." The boy s miled. "Why d o you not own anything?" he asked. "My smile is my own," the monk replied. "But what abo ut money, a home, a hors e?" as ked the boy. "Th e world cannot give me my s mile—my s mile is between me and God," s aid the monk. The b oy and the monk walked along in s ilence. Even
tually the b oy as ked, "Who are you , monk?" "I am the smile that went around the world," explained the monk, "and my gos pel is a gos pel of smiles." "Do you always smile?" asked the b oy. "Yes, even when I'm asleep," laugh ed th e monk. "How do yo u manage to smile always?" asked th e boy. "Smiling is easy becaus e I believe in happines s, and I also b elieve in y ou," replied t he monk. Now the monk and the b oy were both s miling. This s tory illustrates two very important points . First, if you are to be hap py, you mus t accept y our holiness , or, if you like, you r wholeness. In other words . . . if you are to acce pt happines s , you mus t beli eve in your Self!
To be happy, you mus t be willing to accep t th at yo u are created perfectly whole , and t hat y ou're not, therefore, fundamentally guilty, lacking, or unworthy. You may make mistakes, bu t yo u're not a sinner. As you learn to love and forgive yo urself for your fear ful beliefs and s elf-judgments, y ou au tomatically con nect co ns ciously on ce more to t he everlast ing joy of you r uncon ditioned Self. Second . . . if you are to be happy, you must believe in happiness.
The monk, Anand a, could afford to smile all day long b ecaus e he b elieved t hat h appiness is natu ral to h im and to ever one e lse. He saw ha iness as a natur al ex erience, not a eak ex erience. For Ananda, there was no mountai n to
climb, no sacrifice to make, no work to d o in order to be hap py. He s imply chos e to be hap py. He had no " happy chond ria" and he was also p erfectly Self-accepting. Again and again I've witnes sed how ou r fearful limiting beliefs ab out happines s deny us our natural right to hap piness , and also caus e us s o much extra suffering. The mos t damaging erroneous belief about happiness is, of course, that happiness is somewhere else- that is, it is not with y ou. After that, the n ext most p ainful and limiting belief about it is that happiness has to be deserved. The belief that happiness has to be deserve d has led to cen turies of p ain, guilt, and deception. So firmly have we clung to th is s ingle, illusory b elief that we've almos t forgotten the real truth about happines s. So bu sy are we trying to deserve happines s t hat we no longer have m uch time for ideas su ch as : Happi ness is natu ral, happ iness is a birt hrig ht, ha ppiness is free, happiness is a choice, happiness is within, and happiness is being. The moment you believe that happiness has to be deserved, yo u mus t toil forevermore. One of my clients , Jenny, once illustrated p erfectly ho w many o f us feel about happines s: "Everything feels so pointless," she told me. "How do you mean?" I asked. Jenny sighed . "Well, no matter how hard I try to be hap py, I get abs olutely nowhere. I f eel so frus trated, Robert, becaus e I've done s o much h ard work on myself." "You s ound an gry," I obs erved. "No, I'm depres sed and angry!" We both smiled, and th en Jenny b egan to cry. "I feel so doo med," s he s aid. "I feel as if I'm being punished." I asked her, "Do you believe that you deserve to be happy?" "Probably not," s he replied. As k yourself now: "Do I des erve to be h appy ?" Be careful how you an swer this qu est ion, however, for there's a cat ch. If you answer no, then no matter what you do, yo u will, like Jenny, not accep t much happines s. If you ans wer yes, then you're su bs cribing to the idea th at hap piness mus t be d eserved and y ou will, therefore, have to fulfi ll all so rts o f criteria (set by you) before you can be happy. Both no and yes are dishonest answers. The point is . . . you do not deserve happiness!
This is not a mess age of gloom ; it is a m ess age of hope! One of the greate st single steps you can t ake to h appiness n ow is to let go of the bel ief that hap piness has t o be des erved. You do no t deserve happiness, you choose happiness. Happiness is natu ral. It is freely available to all. It is uncon ditional. And when you 're unco nditional about hap piness , then happiness merely happens! Happiness hap pens, if you l et it. The belief that happ iness has to be d eserved h as n o power, other than th e power you give to it. T he problem is, you've learned t o give it a lot o f power. This single thou ght n ot on ly reinforces yo ur belief in gu ilt and unworthiness , but it also contributes to almos t ev ery oth er major fearful belief about happines s. It contributes , in particular, to t he work ethic, the su ffering eth ic, and th e martyr ethic—three ethi cs h eavily end orsed by o ur so ciety. From an early age, we ar e all sp oon -fed beliefs about how important it is to work for happiness , suffer for happiness , and sacrifice for happiness . Generation after generati on, this fearful and thoug htless conditioning is hand ed do wn in much th e same way that p hys ical weaknes ses and ailments are handed do wn through t he genes . The good n ews, however, is th at . . . it takes only one loving beli ef to undo an entire bel ief s yste m base d on fear.
Changing your fearf ul beliefs ab out h appines s, particularly the b elief that happ iness has to be des erved, requires abs olutely no labor, su ffering, or sacrifice on your b ehalf. It merely t akes willingnes s: (1) the willingnes s to see that you're not u nworthy and guilty, (2) the willingness to let go o f your cond itioned beliefs abo ut hap piness , and (3) the willingnes s to accept t hat hap piness is natural to your unco nditioned Self. Willingnes s is th e key.
Healing the Work Ethi c According to the work ethic, happiness is not natural—happiness is a paycheck you earn for putting in the hours. The work ethic is one of the most dominant ethics o f our world. 9 W hen I refer to the work ethic here, I' m not talking abou t th e joy of work ; I'm talking about the compulsive need to work. Work and more work is t he key to h appiness , according to the work ethic. And if that d oes n't work, try even more work. The work ethic su pports the pu rsuit of happ iness , and it stat es quite categorically: Happiness will n ot happen u nless you wo rk for it . There are, in p articular, four erroneous and fearful beliefs ab out happines s that help make up th e work ethic: 1. Happiness h as to be deserved. 2. Happines s has to b e worked for. 3. Happiness has to be earned. 4. Happiness has to be paid for. The work ethic is all about labor—birth is labor, life is labor, love is labor, happiness is labor, work is labor, and death is rest. We labor, not for th e joy of it, but b ecaus e we've learned to believe we mus t. The pu rpose of the work ethic i s to work hard so as to atone for your guil t and unworthiness and thereby "deserve happiness" once more. "Workaholism" is endemic, and for man of us our life is overned e ntirel b work. Once u on a time, we worked to
live; now, we live to work. Any " life" we do hav e is merely recovery from work. We work, recover from work, and then work again. We go to the office to work. After work, we bring some work home with us. For rest, we go to the gym for a workout. Totally exhaus ted, we go to t herapy t o work through our prob lems—" I've do ne a lot of work on mys elf," we s ay. After all that, th ere's the h ous ework! Finally, we go to b ed, too tired to be hap py, but ou r mind is s till working an d we can't s leep. No problem. Insomnia is a wonderful chance to get more work don e! The work ethic is motivated b y t he b elief that anyth ing worthwhile requires great work, effort, and labor. According to the work ethic— creativity isn't insp iration, it's p erspiration; love is a labor, not a joy; s ucces s is a marathon , it never comes easily; health is abou t a "n o pain, no gain" attitude; s alvation is h ardest o f all—it is a wrest ling match with th e angels, just ask Jacob . Nothing comes eas ily, according to the work ethic. Has it ever occurred to you that . . . you're trying too hard to be happy?
Thich Nhat Hanh, the V ietnamese Buddhist au thor and teacher, offers a beaut iful less on t o th e world th rough his minist ry of peace and Self- acceptance. He encourages us to con tinually give up trying to be h appy and s imply be happ y. He writes: Do we need to make a s pecial effort to en joy the beau ty of th e blue sky? Do we have to p ractice to be able to enjoy it? No, we just enjoy it. Each second, each minute of our lives can be like this. Wherever we are, any time, we have the capacity to enjoy the sunshine, the presence of each other, even the sensation of our breathing. We don't need to go to China to enjoy the b lue sky. We don 't have to travel i nto th e future to enjoy our breathing. We can be in touch with these things right now . 10 We're too bu sy working to be h appy, to actually be happy. In the last ten years, the average workweek has increased by more than 10 hours to n early 50 hours a week; th e lunch break faces ex tinction; s ix out of ten men and fou r out o f ten women work on Saturdays; Sundays are also a workday for many. To cap it off, when we dare to leave the office at 5 p. m., there's always one s ad, brainless colleague who s hout s out, "Part-timer!" or "Only do ing a half day?" Guilt ens ues . 11 As a s ociety, we spend more and more time as a human doing and less and less as a human being. Indeed, the work ethic desp ises res t and play. We hardly ever go ou t to play anymore; i ns tead we go for car diovas cular workouts , busines s lunches, and corporate away days . According to the work ethic, rest is "d owntime"—not hing us eful is h appening. Too much rest and you lose y our edge! If you're rest ing, you're not ach ieving. This is a worry becau se . . . the work ethic think s of happines s as an achievement andnot as a natural way of being .
The th inking that promotes the work ethic fails to appreciate the idea that happines s is free. According to the work ethic, life is ab out ach ievement and so too is happines s. The work ethic is eg o—driven, for it is o nly the ego that b elieves that your Self-worth is zero without achievement. We suffer, therefore, from an achiever fever, which is es sen tially the des ire to achieve anything so that we can f eel good abou t ourselves and thereby des erve happi ness . Let me be clear—work itself isn 't the problem. On the contrary, work can be a marvelous o pportu nity to serve, to develop skills, to be creative, to meet people, to travel, and to grow. What I'm really referring to is the addiction to work; and, in particular, an addiction to the belief that you have to work, earn, des erve, and pay for happiness. How do you know if you're "s uffering" from the b elief that y ou h ave to work for happiness ? Here are s ome telltale signs : • You b elieve that happines s isn't natural; it has to be deserved. • You believe p eople mus t earn h appines s; it isn 't freely g iven. • You believe t hat all happines s has a price. • Your life is a never-ending " to do" list. • Your reward for completing a "t o do " list is to make another "to do" list. • You're lost withou t s omething to do. Without achievement, yo u're nothing. • You can't relax. In fact, yo u believe t hat relaxation "makes" you feel guilty. • People who o nly do one t hing at a time are, in yo ur opinion, underachievers. • You think exhau stion is a weaknes s an d a failure. • You feel far too g uilty to t ake all of your vacation leave from work. • You feel you must keep b us y, you must fill every moment, and there's always more you could be doing. • You s uffer from "hurry sicknes s" —there's never enou gh time for you to do ev erything. • What you achieve i s never good enough. • Your friends don't as k "How are you ?" They ask "A re you keeping bus y?"
• At t he end of a day of work, you don't g et on with y our life; you merely recover from work. • You'd like to sleep in on Sund ay mornings, bu t you get to o restles s. • You o nly take time off work to b e ill, and even then yo u manage to get a bit of work done. • You feel guilty if you have too much fun. • You're sus picious of good t imes, s ucces s, and t hings that flow easily. • You h ave no friends, only work colleagues . • You have "really g reat friends " whom you never get to see. • Time with the family is, s trictly speaking, time away from work. • You promise yo ur children more time s oon . . . one day . . . mayb e next week. A few years ago, a good friend of mine, Graham TaylorChilton, suggested we play a game of golf together. "It will have to be during the week, " he s aid. I'd been working hard, too hard, and I need ed a rest . I was a n on-confes sed workaholic, and s o I did the "s ens ible" and "mature" thing and t urned him down on ce, twice, three times. The h arder I worked, the more exhausted I became, and the less I achieved. Finally, common sense (that is, my wife!) prevailed. I agreed to play. I remember how, on the drive over to the golf course, I felt so guilty about taking time off in the middle of the week. I got st uck in traffic, I got lost , I arrived late, I was edgy all day, the weather wasn't g reat; I kept th inking abou t work, and I played p oorly. What a wa ste of time, I thought. Now I felt even more guilty. When I got home, I told my wife about my d ay. "Something's not right," I said t o h er. "I'm probably th e hardes t-working pers on I know, so h ow come I give myself such a hard time for taking s ome time out ?" The guilt had to be faced . So, I decided the bes t way to face the gu ilt was t o arrange ano ther round of golf with Graham for the most guilt-inducing time pos sible—Mond ay morning! I did it. And with the help of my friend s, I continue to do it. We work to pay off our guilt. The moment we stop working, we feel our guilt. So we start working again. The work ethic is a s ymbol not only of ou r guilt, but also of ou r confus ion. In particular . . . the work ethic confuses willingness with hard work . Happiness only requires willingness, not hard work. In particular, it requires us to be willing to slow down, loaf, laze,
relax, and be happy .12 Jus t as the work ethic is abou t guilt, true willingnes s is about Self-acceptance—th at is, the acceptance that (1) you're entitl ed to joy, and (2) joy is your u ncond itioned Self.
Healing the Suffering Eth ic My father brough t my brother, David, and me up o n s uffering s tories. Time and time again h e too k great pride in recounting h ow difficult and t ough life was for him when he was as youn g as we were. He would repeat the same sto ries over and over again, and each time the su ffering became more and more exaggerated! Our father's face would li ght up when he to ld us his tales of hards hip. In fact, the harder the s uffering, the warmer his nostalgia would glow. The "School Story," as it was affectionately known in our family, finally went something like this: We were s o po or that we had to walk to s chool every s ingle day. We couldn't aff ord a car; we couldn't even afford th e bu s fare. I had to walk six miles there and back, come rain or sh ine. I had on ly one pair of sho es, with no soles. I had only one set of school clothes in seven years, and even they were hand-me-downs. I never miss ed a day of s chool, ever. Even when I had a temperature of 10 8, I'd s till go. You had to g o o r you were flogged . At sch ool, we always behaved ours elves. If you d idn't behave, you were punished an d beaten. We also remembered everything o ur teachers t old us or we had our knuckl es rapp ed. With n ot a penny to o ur name, I had to sh are books, pen cils, pen s, ink even. Books were a l uxury in my day. We worked in the cold—central heating h adn't even been inven ted. Food was on e meal a day. And at Christ mas we were lucky if we got an orange and s ome nut s—th ere were no computer games in my day. Other great lines I remember were: "We had t o clean the hous e twice for a penn y," an d " Anyt hing less than a B+ and we had to mow the s ports field for a week." Strange as it may s ound , both David and I would say that s ome of the h appiest moments of our childhoo d were sp ent laughing with Dad as h e told us his s uffering sto ries. The s uffering ethic is bo rn of our perceptions of guilt and un worthines s. Like the work ethic, the s uffering ethic teaches us that happiness isn't free; it has to be deserved. I t indoctri nates u s into bel ieving that su ffering is th e path to happiness and all good th ings. Moreov er, it dictates that h appiness withou t s uffering has no real value or integrity. This is, of course, abs olute non sen se. W hile it's certainly true that we can learn fr om our suffering an d thereby become happier ; it's not true to s ay that we have to su ffer first in order to be hap py. The unco nditional truth is that . . . you do not have to know suffering in order to be happy.
And y et, the su ffering ethic would try to con vince you th at s uffering is a p rerequisite for happiness . This et hic also insists that y ou cann ot know love until i t is lost ; you cannot enjoy peace without con flict first; y ou must fail in order to su cceed; yo u must be weak before you can b e st rong; an d you mus t fall before you find real faith. The truth is, however , that p eace of mind needs no con flict to define it, love needs no fear to define i t, and joy need s n o s uffering to define it. 13 Many p eople are heavi ly inves ted in suffering becau se th ey believe that s uffering makes you a g reat person. Nothing could be further from the t ruth. Suffering happens, but suffering doesn't make you a great person.
Suffering d oes happ en, and it's regrettable that it does . All of us have s uffered disap pointment, loss , pain, failure, rejection, bereavement, and so on. In no way am I trying t o belittle this su ffering, but what I'm say ing is th at no amount of suffering adds to you r greatness. Your Self-worth was es tablish ed in t he h eavens the moment you were created. Your worth comes, th erefore, from who y ou are, not what you 've su ffered. As I've already mentioned, it was at my Stress Busters Clinic that I first n oticed how peo ple would pit th eir illnes ses and su fferings against o ne anot her in a sad at tempt to get more love, more attention, m ore anyth ing. Often, the first s tep to healing is to unders tand t hat no amount of war w ound s increases your innate worth. I n oth er words . . . you have to reli nquis h your identity as a "s ufferer," a "victi m," or an "ex-addict" i n "recovery" i f you're goi ng to be happy.
Thes e days I notice more and more how people introduce th emselves with t heir illnes ses . Within the first few minutes of introduction, we often h ear so mething ab out recovery, therapy, Prozac, codependence, lif e coach ing, nicotine patches , emotional hang-up s, an d jus t exactly why " life's a bitch." M oments after shaking hand s, we hear " I'm in recovery," "I'm a depress ive," "I'm an ago raphobic," and s o on . We never call ourselves " ex-brokenarm patients ," but it seems the fas hion thes e days to ann ounce: "I am a so ber alcoholic." Very recently, I cou ns eled a you ng woman, Sarah, who had trav eled from Russia to see me. She is 25 years old, tall, willowy, very th in, and for the pas t ten years sh e has experienced bulimia. The mos t p oignant moment of our t ime tog ether came when I as ked Sarah a v ery up-front ques tion, which was: "Would y ou b e able, Sarah, to s top calling you rself a bulimic?" Sarah's who le body s hook at the v ery tho ugh t. "I know you experience bu limia, but can y ou s ee that bulimia is not who you are?" I asked. Sarah respond ed wonderfully well to t his challenge. I somehow k new sh e would. "I'm scared," s he s aid, "but I can see what you mean. It's just that I don't know who I am or what I am without bulimia." I reass ured Sarah as bes t as I could. I tol d her, "I know you've suffered greatl y, but I hop e you can s ee that th is su ffering does n't define you or yo ur Self-worth. Beneath you r fears, yo ur tears, and y our s uffering, your happines s s till waits for you. Your hap piness is perfectly intact, and y ou're st ill completely whole. The joy o f your u ncon ditioned Self awaits you r welcome." Sarah s miled. Two weeks after ou r meeting, I received a letter from Sarah which reads, verbat im:
Dear Robert, Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. You are the first person in ten yea rs who h as not trea ted me as a bulimic. You treat ed me as a whole person . I found thi s puzzling at first. I even resent ed you a lit tle for it. But I am coming arou nd to the idea. For the first time in a lon g time, I can see myself witho ut bulimia . This thought is scary and exciting. Let's look at that th ought n ext time we m eet. I'll call soon. W ith love and gratitu de, Sarah. The suffering ethic pins its hopes on the idea that suffering is both a suitable atonement for your unworthiness, and an adequat e payment for happiness . The great hope is that " X" amoun ts of su ffering will earn, pay for, buy, or help yo u deserve "Y" amounts of happiness. The truth is, though, that . . . no amount of suffering c an buy you any amount of happiness.
Happiness cannot be bought because happiness is free. Also, there' s no exchange rate betwe en happiness and suffering. Suffering cannot be traded in for happiness. Similarly, no amount of pain, hurt, guilt, sacrifice, bad luck, hard work, tragedy, disas ter, or crucifixion can buy you an ou nce of happ iness . Happiness is not des erved. Happines s is freethere is no escap e from this freedom! How do you know if you are "s uffering" from the b elief that y ou must su ffer to be happy ? Here are s ome telltale signs : • You s ubs cribe to the b elief of "no pain, no gain." • You b elieve th at no thing valuable can be gained withou t s uffering. • You mist rust gifts that aren't earned by s uffering-that is, "Easy come, easy go." • You believe that there's no s uch th ing as a free lunch—everyth ing has a co st . • You suffer a lot o f ill health. • If there's a hard way to do it, you'll find it. • No one is h arder on you th an you are. • You withhold praise becau se you believe th at praise
leads to complacency. • You like to th ink of yourself as head o f the clas s in the "school of hard knocks." • Comfort, wealth, and luxury "make you" feel uneasy and guilty. • You're an inverted s nob , always attacking people who hav e a comfortable life. • Less su ffering eq uals less self-worth. • You think you're a "real" man or woman becaus e you continue t o s uffer. • Life's a bitch and then you d ie. Ain't that the truth? • You con vince yours elf that y ou're better than anyo ne who has n't su ffered as much as yo u have. • You truly think that no one h as s uffered as much as you have. • You con fuse love with sy mpathy —suffering g ets you sympathy. • You're a "d rama queen or king"—if there's n o drama, you're uneasy. • Pain is you r only learning curve. • You co nfus e pas sion with abus e—all your romantic relationsh ips are a s truggle. • Too much comfort caus es too much guilt. • You h ope if you suffer enou gh, God will feel so g uilty that He'll grant yo u leniency. • You like to s trive, bu t to thrive would incr ease the g uilt factor to o much. • There mus t always b e an enemy s ome where. • You're always fighting and st ruggling ag ainst s omeone o r so mething. • You h ave a b lind s pot with res pect t o eas y op tions—yo u always make everything difficult. • You b elieve yo u hav e to fight for what you want, s o yo u get into a lot of fights ! • You like to compare scars. Ano ther major misperception of t he s uffering ethic is t he idea th at s uffering brings enlighten ment. On th e con trary, it's not s uffering that brings ab out en lighten ment . . . it's the decis ion to give up suffering that brings about enlig htenment.
Many of the world's religious and p hilos oph ical traditions have t ried to promote s uffering as a legitimate s piritual path that can b uy yo u s omething. In parti cular, the teachings o f Christianity hav e often been dist orted to enco urage you t o suffer for your happiness. Medieval Christianity, in particular, was very severe when it came to happiness, officially denouncing laughter as "the song of the devil" and attacking happiness as a threat to monastic self-control. The image of Jes us su ffering o n th e cross is known the world over . Very rarely, however, do yo u s ee any pictures of a resurrected Jes us Christ. This o bvious imbalance prompted me, a few years ago, to st art a new collection of pictures depicting Jesu s laughing, smiling, and happy. I have quite a few now. When ever I'm pas sing b y a Christ ian booksto re or church, I always as k if there are any pictures of a hap py Jes us . Never could I have antici pated t he respo ns es I often get . Many times I'm greeted with s uch agh ast looks o f shock, horror, and disdain, it's as if I'd just asked, "Have you any pictures of Jesus picking his nose?" Jesus was joy-full ! Think about it—no one would follow a morbid or miserable Messiah. Christ ians often argue for misery. One old argument is that you sh ould be careful not t o laugh or smile too much becaus e nowhere in the Bible is there any mention of Jesus laughing and s miling. My respo ns e to th is is that nowhere in the Bible is there any menti on of Jesu s b rush ing his teeth, buy ing birthday presen ts , or ordering pizza, but that d oes n't mean we sh ouldn't do thes e things . And an yway, there are enoug h references t o joy in the Bible to keep everyone hap py. In one version o f Ecclesiastes , for ins tance, it is wri tten: "Do not aban don you rself to sorrow, do not torment yourself with brood ing. Gladness of heart is life to a man, joy is what gives hi m length of days . . . Beguil e your cares, console you r heart, chase sorrow away; for s orrow has been th e ruin of many, and is of no use to anyb ody." The only value su ffering has is that it points out t hat yo u're running low on happines s. The function of s uffering is, therefore, to remind you to choose happiness, choose love, choose healing, choose forgiveness, choose laughter, and choose freedom. Thus, the most helpful response to suffering is to use suffering as a chance to hit the "re-set" button in your life, and commit once again to what is truly important. To b e happ y, you must value joy more than pain. You will also want to remind you rself again and ag ain that suffering cannot bu y me happiness. Your ego believes that su ffering s omehow ato nes for guilt, but , in truth, gu ilt isn 't real; it's
learned. If you can believe this, for yo urself and ev eryone, you will be free of s uffering.
Healing the Martyr Ethi c Happines s is made to be s hared.
The martyr ethic is built upo n a nu mber of erroneou s an d fearful beliefs abo ut hap piness , the major one being that happiness is selfish. Ano ther great fear of happines s t o the practicing martyr is that my happiness denies others their happiness. In other words, it appears to the martyr that there isn't enough happiness to go around. Other fears of happines s for the martyr include: Happiness lead s to conceit, my happ iness has no value to oth ers, and being happy is inconsiderate in a world where there is suffering. The fear that happiness is selfish is not only unt rue, it actually couldn't be further f rom the truth . Psycho logy researchers find time and time again that it is th e depress ed peop le, and no t the hap py on es, who are intens ely selffocused and self-absorbed. Happy people, by contrast, tend to be outgoing, sociable, generous, loving, and kind. They're also more tolerant, forgiving, and less judgmental than peo ple who are depres sed . 14 The martyr ethic confuses genuine hap piness with hed onism, trivial pleasure s eeking, greed, arrogance, bo ast fulnes s, swaggering, and pretentiousness. It overlooks the fact that the basis of true happ iness is love. And like love . . . the first impuls e of true happines s i s to share its elf; happines s i s not sel fish. I remember reading an interview about a woman who had lived as a hermit for ten years in the wildernes s in South America. At one point in the interview sh e was as ked, "Were you ever lonely?" " Yes," s he replied, "I us ed to get very lonely. Not when I was d own, but when I w as h appy b ecaus e I had no one t o s hare my happ iness with." True happiness is never selfish. The histo ry of martyrdom began with good inten tions. The srci nal goal of the martyr was to give up the " ego" so as t o remember the "spiritual Self." Spiritual martyrdom was, therefore, srcinally about giving up illusions of lack, guilt, and separateness. It w as not abo ut loss, but about wholeness. Many of the sp iritual traditions of the world promote muddled m ess ages about martyrdom. Indeed, ego -martyrdom (as oppo sed to Spiritual martyrdom) is all about s truggle, sufferi ng, and sacrifice. For this reas on, it's n early impos sible to be a saint an d be happy in the Christ ian tradition. The g reat hop e of ego-martyrdom is that enoug h s acrifice will buy happines s. As with the su ffering ethic, thou gh, the truth is that . . . no amount of sacrifice wil l buy you any amount of happines s .
True happiness asks y ou to sacrifice one idea—the idea that you mus t sacrifice so mething real to be h appy. True happines s is, therefore, not really abo ut s acrifice; it is about Self-acceptance—th e acceptance t hat yo u're not guilty and that you're created whole, worthy, and well. I once co uns eled a lady named Joy (her real name) who came to see me from Londo n o ver s everal weeks. Joy was in her 40s, an artist , recently divorced, trying to turn o ver a new leaf in her life, and, in her own words , "a dep ress ive." Joy was brought up Roman Catholic. She'd gone t o school in a con ven t where sh e was tau ght the " value" of sacrifice and martyrdom. "Sacrifice was th e primary teaching o f the con vent," sh e told me. "We were all taught we were sinners and t hat p enance and sacrifice was all we were good for." "How did you sacrifice?" I as ked. "We had t o take cold sh owers daily to mortify the flesh; we had to o pen windows in wi nter; we had to skip dinners; we had to s leep without pillows; we had to g ive up anyth ing we enjoyed.. . ." The list went on and o n. "An d becaus e I wanted to be good , I became the b est martyr I could, but it was n ever, ever enough ," s aid Joy. Joy no ticed that ev ery time s he attempted to b e happ y, it appeared as if the un iverse co ns pired to make her miserable. "Recently, I tried to go for an aromatherapy massage for the first time in my life," she told me. "I felt so guilty, so wrong, but I wanted to do it. But when I got t here, the aromatherapist was ill and s he had go ne ho me. Her colleague to ld me sh e has never been ill before." Joy went on to tell me, "Last week, I decided to go to an op era, as I've nev er done any thing like that. Just as I arrived, there was a bomb scare and the performance was cancelled. Earlier this year, I went on my first holiday for 20 years, and I got ill and s pent t he next two weeks in th e hos pital." I sug ges ted to Joy th at all of thes e failed attempts at happ iness were definitely not God's doing, they were definitely not the u niverse con sp iring against her, and t hey were definitely no t coincidences . Joy's s tory was too similar to th e martyr's st ory to b e coincidental. "I know thi s might b e a s tretch for you, Joy," I said, "but u ntil you give up yo ur belief in the value of martyrdom, I think you will attract even more disappointments like this into your life." "You mean they're not co incidences ?" s he as ked. "No," I explained. " They are effects—effects created by you r ardent belief in y our gu ilt and the n eed for s acrifice." Step by s tep, we began to challenge all of Joy's learned b eliefs abo ut her own gui lt and unworthiness. She had to change her mind abou t hers elf before sh e could chan ge th e way her life was going. " You've learned abou t lack and sacrifice," I told her, "and now we mus t learn again about wholeness and joy, for Joy is your n ame, is it not?" Joy keeps in touch every now and then, and
she continues to make good progress .
Mos t martyrs are "kill-joys ," although t hey would deny th is heavily. Martyrs are so afraid of "any happines s" that th ey tend t o pu t the d ampers o n any one b eing "too happy." Happiness is a major dilemma to an yone who believes in martyrdom becaus e you cann ot be hap py an d gu ilty. A martyr mus t decide, therefore, w hat h e or s he values mos t —happines s o r guilt? Martyrdom stems from gui lt and unworthiness, and it inevitabl y end s in gui lt and unworthiness. Most martyrs end up very unhappy because they feel that they never get the sympathy they think they deserve. Also, most martyrs end up very manipulative, us ing their own guilt to levy guilt upon ot hers. Martyrs learn to adjust to disap pointment and loss , and although they may dream of joy and hap piness , they feel very uncomf ortable about receiving any. This is becau se . . . to a martyr, to receive is a sign of the devil.
One very common sy mptom of the martyrdom ethic th at yo u may not ice in y ourself is th at ev ery time yo u receive a compliment, a p resent, o r any g ift of love, y ou're tempted to recoil. Learning to accept, receive, and s ay " Thank you " is quite a s kill. The fear of martyrdom is that "hap piness makes yo u s elfish," b ut, ironically, it is martyrdom that often leads t o selfish nes s becaus e (1) a martyr denies peo ple the chance t o give to t hem, and (2) you can not g ive freely that which you do n ot accep t freely. Martyrdom is so wrapped up in illusions of guilt that it overlooks a most important truth: Your happines s is your gift to the world. Jane was 28 years old, a s ingle parent who lived in a multiunit apartment buildi ng, s uppo rted financially b y s ocial welfare. She had diligently followed her "p enance plan" for happiness , and along th e way she'd los t s ight of happines s altogether. She was a class ic martyr who had b een broug ht u p with the class ic martyr teaching of "a woman's work is never don e." She felt s he was a s econd -class citizen who didn't know how to as k for her own needs . "And when I'm with people," she s aid, "I can't just relax. I hav e to be u seful to them, always helping an d always trying to p lease them." The turning point for Jane cam e when I was ab le to po int out to h er that every time sh e abus ed and n eglected herself, her you ng baby would cry, get ill, and b e un happy. Jane s aw the link immediately. Within a few days, s he s aid to me, "I get it. I have to be nice to me, because when I'm nice to me, my family gets the benefit, too." "Yes," I told h er. "So happiness isn't selfish. Happiness is okay," she said. In truth, yo ur happ iness is more than okay. Your hap piness is also a great gift. It i s a tot al ins piration, a wonderful example, and a great s ervice to the world. Your hap piness contributes so much more to the world th an yo ur su ffering. By choos ing to be h appy, you are being the " Light of the World." At Th e Happiness Project, we celebrate the idea of happiness as a gift in this s tatement:
It is beca use th e world is so full o f suffering, tha t you r hap pin ess is a gift. It is beca use th e world is so full of poverty, that your wealth i s a gift. It is beca use th e world is so unfriend ly, that your smile is a gift. It is beca use th e world is so full of war, that your peace of m ind is a gift. It is beca use th e world is in such d espa ir, that your hop e and opti mism is a gif t. It is beca use th e world is so afraid, that your love is a gift.
CHAPTER 5 Living Unconditionally Happ iness is free—there are no condi tio ns. One of my clients, Annabel, was much to o wrapped u p in s elf—improvement to be hap py. Ann abel was in her 40s, a mother of two, divorced, a "fitness fanatic," a "health-food g ourmet," and a "s elfimprovement nut." In fact, sh e once told me that sh e lived " for selfimprovement." Ann abel had even made a career out of it. She was the autho r of several books in that genre, and s he'd made many ap pearances on radio and TV. I came to learn th at Annabel's d escription of h erself as a "s elf-improvement nut" was ent irely accurate. E very day began with meditation, affirmations, a health shake for breakfast, and a power walk. Each week her basic routine included acup unctu re for energy, a deep-tiss ue mass age, and ong oing therapy. She also read at least two self-help bo oks a week. Her bes t friend was her fitnes s trainer, and s he called hers elf a "workshop junkie" b ecaus e sh e atten ded ev ery s elf-improvement seminar in town. Such was Annabel's ded ication to improving hers elf that it clearly came as a sh ock to her when I su gges ted th at . . . to be happy, you have to give up sel f-improvement.
Ann abel's ardent des ire to improve hers elf was motivated n ot by joy but b y guilt, the belief that s he wasn't already worthy of happines s. I explained to her that u ntil sh e changed her mind about herself (that is, give up her guilt) no amount of self-improvement would bring her any real, lasting peace of mind. Ann abel list ened intently. "I s upp os e I'm living proof t hat self-improvement can't mak e yo u truly h appy," s he s aid. I replied, "I'm not asking you to give up trying to improve your life, your career, your health, or your skills, but what I'm asking you to see is t hat true happ iness demands no s elf-improvement, no special conditi ons , no intelligence tes t, no financial status , no elaborate sacrifice . . . no noth ing. Happines s is freely av ailable, always, everywhere to everyone." I told Annabel that her s tory was very s imilar to my own. In particular , I sh ared with h er a "s evere cas e of life" I experienced t he day after my 30th birthday. This " sev ere case o f life" p roved to be th e catalyst for another major turning point in my life, for it was at t his time that I finally decided to give up self-improv ement o nce an d for all. My 30th birthday "end ed in tears." The celebrati ons that I had enjoyed en ormous ly were abruptly and rudely interrupted by a s ound track in my mind that was playing well-rehearsed anthems an d marching s ong s, like, "You're good enoug h," "You co uld do bet ter," "You co uld have do ne more," and " You've don e noth ing with y our life." M y ego just had to have its s ay. I remember I was h alfway through anoth er chorus o f "You've do ne no thing with yo ur life," when I s udden ly sto pped the so ng an d yelled out loud , "W hy d o I s till feel so awful?!" As I scann ed a p eriod o f 12 years, I es timated t hat I'd read more than 200 self-help bo oks (some of them s everal times), list ened to nearly a hun dred s elf-improvement talks, at tended count less worksh ops , performed tho us ands of affirmations, meditated for up to five hours a day, prayed cons tantly, and so on. As I continued t o add up all my efforts o n beh alf of improving myself, it occurred to me that if I' d pu t th e s ame amoun t of work and dedication into s omething p hys ical, like bodyb uilding, I would probably b e "M r. Biceps of the Universe" by now! In fact, I reckoned th at I'd be s o muscle-clad th at I would have t o walk through doo rs s ideways . Why, then, if I'd done so much, did I feel that t here was s till so much more to be d one? Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt utterly broken. I prayed for help. An inner dialogue began almost immediately, and with it a new awarenes s dawned . I realized, for first time, that . . . no amount of s el f-improvement can mak e up for a lack of Sel f-acceptance.
Happiness does n't demand self-improvement; it asks only for uncon ditional Self-acceptance-that is, the willingnes s to accept t hat your u ncond itioned Self is whole, happy, and well al ready. In other words, while self- improvement is the ego's greatest h ope for happ iness, Self-acceptan ce is, ultimatel y, giving up the ego -that is, giving u p your learned beliefs in inner lack. Here, then, is y our es sen tial choice: (1) Improve y our ego ; or (2) let go of you r ego and accept y our Self-your whole, uncon ditioned Self. As of my 30th birthday, The Happiness Project h as offered no more cours es on self-improvement. We no longer enco urage peop le to believe that they first have t o prove o r improve th emselves in order to quali fy for happines s. Ins tead, we help peo ple give up self-improvement with a s mall "s " for a greater practice of Sel f-acceptance with a capital "S." Self-acceptance is the key to t he treas ures o f the kingdo m, the kingdo m of your un conditioned Self . I often use t he following meditation at The Happines s Project. It reads :
Without Selfacceptance, peace is impossible; with Selfacceptance, peace is yours. Without Selfacceptance, love has to wait; with Selfacceptance, love is made welcome. Without Selfacceptance, there is no happiness; with Selfacceptance, you kn ow happi ness. Without Selfacceptance, truth hurts; with Selfacceptance, truth heals. Without Selfacceptance, you can accept no one fully into your life; with Selfacceptance, you can.
Without Selfacc eptance, you are always hiding; with Selfacceptance, your spirit is glid ing. Without Selfacc eptance, nothing is enough; with Selfacceptance, you are enough. Witho ut Selfaccepta nce, you are not free to grow ; with Selfacceptan ce, your potent ial i s free to flow. Without Selfacceptance, there is no chance; with Selfacceptance, you always have a chance.
Being Happy, Doing N othi ng The following story is asking you what has to happen-according to you—before you let yourself be happy: It was a beautiful, hot, lazy summer day and Billy was fishing by the river. After a while, a stranger in a suit and tie walked by. "How are you doing?" asked th e s tranger. "Being happy, do ing no thing," Billy replied. "Catch any fish?" asked the stranger. Billy had n't s topp ed to count . "Mayb e ten, bu t I let them all go back in again," s aid Billy. "Ten fish ! Why, you sh ould have kept them and so ld them," said the s tranger. "W hy?" asked Billy. "You co uld have made a profit, and then invested that profit in a bet ter rod." "W hy d o I need a b etter rod?" as ked Billy. "Well, with a better rod you could catch more fish ." "Why would I want more fish?" asked Billy. "Well, more fish equals more profit, and with more profit you could have your own refrigerated truck," said the stranger. "But I like it here, just b eing happ y, doing n othing," said Billy. "Okay, but with a great b ig truck you could make even more profit," said t he s tranger. "An d th en what?" asked Billy. "W ho knows? You cou ld, with eno ugh h ard work, end up opening yo ur own fish restaurant o ne day!" s aid the stranger. "An d what t hen?" asked Billy. "Well, by then , you'd be s o rich you cou ld come fish ing here whenever you lik ed!" s aid the s tranger. "Aren't I doing that already?" smiled Billy. The fishing is a s ymbol for simply being. 1 Billy is your unconditioned Self, completely relaxed and happy . . . being, doing no thing. The s tranger, in s uit and tie, is t he ego —the little voice that tells you that b efore you can s imply be happ y, you absolutel y must, ought, and sho uld toil and s truggle. When Selfacceptance gives way to self-improvement, you often end up denying yourself happiness now because you believe there are certain conditions t hat first " mus t," " oug ht," and " sh ould" be met. In this way . . . you make yoursel f mise rable by your cons tant demands of "mus t," "ought," and"s hould."
The un conditioned Self makes no demands for happiness —it is uncon ditional. The ego-m ind, convinced of its own lack, performs once again like a megalomaniac sports coach, sh outing ou t a long list of "mus ts ," "o ugh ts ," and "s hou lds" that it believes "must" be met before you can be h appy. For example, the judg ment " I'm not g ood enoug h" s pawns " sh oulds" like "I shou ld do more"; th e belief that "I'm bad" fuels "musts" like "I must always be good"; the thought that "I'm wrong" leads to "oughts" like "I ought to get everything right" ; and a fear that "I'm noth ing" creates " sh oulds" like "I should do s omething." The list s are never-ending. Cognitive p sy chology has been particularly effective in identifying the highly irrational and illusory thinking of the ego, which makes up the "musts," " oughts ," and "s houlds." 2 Albert Ellis, the foun der of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, deliberately pokes fun at th is ego-th inking by referring to it as "musterbation." 3 Laughter is wonderful at helpi ng t o diss olve and let go of l earned fears. Common examples of "musterbation" include: • "To be happ y, I mus t be liked by everyo ne." • "To be happ y, I mus t always be right." • "To be h appy, I mus t always be goo d." • "To be happ y, I mus t always be in cont rol." • "To be happ y, I mus t be treated fairly by everyo ne." • "To be happ y, I mus t des erve it."
• "To be h appy, I mus t work for it." • "To be happ y, I mus t nev er get ang ry." • "To be happ y, I mus t be perfect." • "To be happy, I must always be on time." • "To be happ y, I mus t nev er let do wn my gu ard." • "To be happy, I must hide my feelings." • "To be h appy, I mus t nev er be v ulnerable." You may find it helpful to make a list of the " mus ts ," "o ught s," and " sh oulds" you've invent ed for yours elf. Some of your "musterbation" m ay be s o s et that it has become uncons cious and automa tic. This is when the "musts," " oughts ," and "s houlds " feel more like universal laws than person al illus ions. You do you rself a service every tim e yo u . . . uncover, let go of, and smile at your "oughtism"—remember, happiness is free!
The ego sav es mos t of its judgment, cond emnation, "o ught ism," and self-improvement for th e bod y. Every day is a war against cellulite, gray h air, sp lit en ds , wrinkles, love hand les, sag ging breas ts , beer bellies, calories, and acne. How can yo u be happy when yo ur cholesterol is low?! Again and ag ain the eg o tries to prop up its fragile happines s with cos metic surgery, sensuality boosts, face masques, and high-energy workouts. The ego's regime includes the following " ough tism" and "musterbation": • "To be happy, I mus t weigh less." • "To be happy, I must weigh more." • "To be happy, I sho uld develop more mus cle tone." • "To be happy, I sho uld have a smaller st omach." • "To be happy, I ought to exercise more." • "To be h appy, I shouldn't eat ch ocolate." • "To be happy, I must get rid of cellulite." • "To be happy, I must get a face-lift." • "To be h appy, I mus t get anoth er one." • "To be h appy, I should eat less ." • "To be happy, I sho uld eat more." • "To be hap py, I oug ht to h ave bigger breasts ." • "To be h appy, I ought to be at least a size 8." Over and over you promi se y ours elf that after this last " mus t," "o ught ," or "s hou ld," yo u will be completely happy forever. The troub le is, without Selfacceptance, there is no end t o s elfimprovement and to "ou ghtism." The ego is addicted to "oughtism" because it's also addicted to the idea that happiness requires perfect conditions. Furthermore, the ego, by its very nat ure, is n ever, ever satisfied. You cann ot app ease t he ego ; you can on ly let go of it. The choice is, therefore, either that you try in vain to fi rst take care of al l your "oug htism" and th en be h appy, or you just decide to be happy any way! You can do t his with Selfacceptan ce, the acceptance that h app iness is free to you always.
Three "Mirages" of the Ego! "Joy is not a carrot." 4 - Linda Carpenter Think of you r ego as the W hite Rabbit in Alice in Wond erland, always late for a very important date, forever dash ing, running, and chas ing after so me imaginary carrot. The White Rabbit fir st makes its entrance b y d isturbing Alice's p eace as sh e rests by the b abbling brook. A lazy, timeless moment is s hattered b y th e W hite Rabbit's hurry, flurry, panic, and pandemonium. How often do y ou cat ch yo urself, like the White Rabbit, l iving life on the run? How often do y ou experience peace of mind, or a mind in pieces? "Faster, faster!" cries the ego, convinced that everything good is outside, and equally convinced that something is miss ing on th e inside. The inner peace of your unco nditioned Self holds forever true. It can never be broken, but it can be overlooked. Until you can accept th at true hap piness exists within you , you'll be forced to b ounce arou nd from place to place, searching th e world in vain for some external replica. The ego pins all its ho pes for happiness on th ree very vague g oals: that o f "more," "th ere," and "n ext." Happiness is pos sible, according to the eg o, with " a little bit more," when we "get to there," and when we "t ake the next s tep." The point is, however , that . . . happines s requires no next step; it is already here!
Living life in the fas t lane, we cons tantly o verlook and fail to app reciate what we already hav e as we chase after "more"; we sacrifice what is pos sible now for what we hope may com e "n ext"; and we th row away all that is availabl e to us "here" as we sp rint ov er to "th ere." And yet, withou t Selfacceptance, the happ iness of "more," "next," and " there" fades just like a mirage fades before a thirsty traveler lost in th e des ert.
1. "More" Happiness— the more we chase it, the more it flees. The 1980s was t he decade of "more, " in which a "ready, steady s pend" so ciety tried to bu y happ iness once and for all by acquiring more "s tuff." The world became a giant department s tore, shopping became the nu mber one national pastime, and rampant materialism offered ap parent s alvation. Sugg est ions that the 1990s gav e birth to a po st -materialist ic age are premature, but it's t rue that more and more people are beginning to realize that . . . more "s tuff" cannot buy you more happines s .
In recent years, more than 500 extens ive pieces o f psych ology research hav e sh own quite conclusively that, since the 1950s: (1) We have more things and more wealth than ever before; and (2) we are more depressed, more violent, more su icidal, and more st ress ed than ever before. 5 The research indicates t hat " more equals less "—that is, as we acquire more, we become more demanding and less sat isfied. "Mo re" is the eg o's p romised land. "Mo re," or "the Oliver Syndrome," as I affectionately call it, is t he ego 's hop e that "more s tuff" will so mehow magic a rabbit ou t of a hat an d y ou'll be h appy. 6 The ego is never satisfied, though—how can a thou ght of lack ever be sat isfied? Clearly, we don't n eed more stu ff; we do, however , need more Selfacceptance. We hav e to learn that although more stuff can encourag e you to b e happ y, more stuff cannot mak e you ha ppy. Zero peace of mind plus lots of "things " will still leave you wanting more. Selfaccept ance is t he key. To pu t it anot her way . . . "more" is never enough until you choose to be happy.
Do you remember how, ten years ago , you promised yours elf that yo u'd be happ y once y ou s tarted earning what you do now? Are you happy now? Do you reme mber how you co nvinced yo urself that yo ur last promotion would make you happy ? Are you ? And now that y ou're more su ccess ful than, say, f ive years ago, are you more happy ? And isn't it amazing how your most recent successes have seemed to create more work for you and not less? What are you currently convincing yourself you need more of before you can be happy? What "more" do you think you n eed to b e good enoug h, happy, and su ccess ful? Is it more money ? Read the res earch! Maybe you 're after more horsepower, one more qualification, more recognition, more closet space, more time, or maybe a home with one more bedroom? What ever it is, the "thing s" of th is world are mere toys. They're great fun . Play with them all you like, but d on't think for a moment that they are your happi ness . True happines s is unco nditional—it requires no thing " more" th an itself to exist. No amount of "more" can make you "more happy." Happiness is not consumed; it is chosen. 7
2. "Next" Happi ness is present time—it has nothin g to d o with the future. At h ome, I have a very precious clock that was pres ented to me after I gave a talk at an annual con ference for The LIFE Foundation. This clock is a "now clock." It is like any other clock, except that where there are normally the numbers, 1 through 12, there is s imply the word "no w," " now," " now," " now." This clock helps me to keep the t ime! The d emography of happines s, according to ex tens ive psych ology research, st ates t hat yo ur 20s won't make you happy, your 30 s won't make you happy, and neither will your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, or 110s! In other words, there's no special time, age, or stage of life that brings with it happ iness . 8 In effect . . . happiness has nothing to do with time; it has everything to do with "now."
Contrary to pop ular belief, time does not h eal, time does not fly, time does not d o any thing. Time has no co ns ciousn ess . It does not hing for you. The k ey to happiness now is what yo u cho os e to do with you r time right now. Are you , right now, making the mos t valuable us e of your time? This moment is, after all, the time of your life. Your ch oices are what make each moment. The W hite Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland carries a large clock so as to keep time. In his hu rry to get to where he's going "next," he repeatedly fails to look at the clock. N ot on ly does he "los e time," he also loses the moment. How often do yo u miss out o n happiness now as y ou chas e the clock? Are you really s o s ure that "n ext" is really any bet ter than "n ow"? Every day I make a point of s lowing down my train of th ough t s o as to ap preciate th e moment. "Next" can wait for the moment. Now is here, and I want to give it my full attention. It's a funny thing, but time and time again I h ave foun d t hat . . . the more you give to now, the more you get from now.
With the help of my " now clock," I take the time to enjoy th e moment. It d oes n't take much to d o th is. Sometimes a deep, long, slow exhale is enough. A smile works well. "Thank you" is prayerful. Wonder and awe also work well. When I'm outs ide and hear a b ird s ing, I stop to look for the bird. When I see a beautiful flower, I name the flower, greeting it as I would a dear friend. Happiness makes yo u eccen tric like that! The ego's goal of "next" is in keeping wi th th e ego's belief that happiness is somewhere else. It's all about livi ng in the
not n ow. I often catch myself living in the not n ow. In particular, when I sit do wn to eat lunch, often my fi rst t houg ht is not for the lunch, but "what will we eat tonight." Also, there's a member of my family, who shall remain nameless, who goes on vacations with bag s full of brochures to plan her "n ext" h oliday! The fantasy of "next" often prevents you from giving your very best to now. We kid ourselves th at happines s will happen so on an d that we'll give our very bes t to t he "n ext time," the " next job," and our "n ext partner." The t ruth is, however, if you don't change first, then "next" will be no different from now. In other words . . . time cannot make you happy; your attitude can.
Until you can accept th at happ iness is abou t a cho ice and not a clock, then what comes "next" wi ll be no more helpful to you than what is h ere now . Time is no t yo ur ans wer. Cons ciousnes s, an d th e decision to be, are your ans wers. Time will not s ave yo u, but ch anging yo ur mind about yours elf can. Slow down a while, cease to hurry for a moment, and let the inner happiness bubb le up. In this way, now beco mes an ideal preparation for what comes "n ext."
"When from our better selv es we have too long Been parted by the hurrying world, and droop, business, of its pleasures tired How gracious, how benign
Sick of its
, is Solitud e. 9
William Wordsworth
3. "There"
Happi ness is a wa y of traveling , and n ot a final destinat ion . One of the biggest causes of stress in our s ociety is that we've set happiness upon the hori zon instead o f in our heart. In doing s o, we've tried to make happ iness into a des tination, a place, a point to arri ve at, and a final sanct uary. All of a sudd en, to be happy we have to travel across space and time to g et "there." I remember the first time I asked a group o f people at th e Laughter Clinic, "Wh at is h appines s?" As we looked at each other's ans wers, mine included, we becam e aware that almos t every ans wer involved long-distance travel! The ans wers included : "Happiness is Miami Beach and a piña colada," "Happiness is the s tars," " Happiness is a des erted island in the Indian Ocean," " Happiness is a carnival in Brazil," and "Happiness is Hawaii." The ego 's go al of "there," or the "Greener Grass Fixation," as I call it, pins all your h opes of happines s, p eace, love, and salvation on geography. The point is . . . geography can't make you happy.
Geography can certainly help you to be happy, but i t cannot make you happy. And there's no amount of geography that can make up for a lack of Selfacceptance. Everywhere is hell while you feel like hell, but everywhere can also be heavenly when you feel whole and well inside. New locations can certainly help inspire new tho ugh ts , new perceptions, and new beliefs. There are times, therefore, when it makes s ens e to ch ange y our location or j ob, for ins tance, in order to secu re a fresh st art. But becau se t he world does no more than mirror your s tate o f mind, "there" will end up being just like "here" if there is no more Selfacceptance. Sometimes, as the French no velist Marcel Proust once wrote: "The voy age of disco very lies n ot in finding new landscapes , but in having new eyes." 10 To be h appy, we mus t be willing to see t hings differently and to s ee ours elves differently. The ego, being a t houg ht of lack, cannot s ee wholeness . Thus . . . the ego has "been there, done that" and it still ain't happy!
Can you give up the ego ? In other words, are you willing to believe and to s ee that y ou are whole already, happy already, worthy already? Dare you entertain the po ss ibility th at you carry within yo u all the wonders that y ou s earch for outs ide of yourself? To the ego this s oun ds blasphemous , but to yo ur uncon ditioned Self this is merely a natural way of thinking.
Laughing at the Cosmic Joke What if you stopped searching for happiness? And what if you th en di scovered you were alread y hap py? Before I reveal the cosmic joke, I'd like to share a piece of writing with you. It's called "Question Time": "Am I close, God?" pleaded the pilgrim. "Clos e?" enq uired God. "W hat do es 'close' mean?" "Close—near to you—towards the front of the queue—ch os en—s pecial," pleaded the p ilgrim. And God could not understand, and yet God spoke, "You are Me—You are as close to God as You can get ." "How so on, my Lord?" p rayed the monk. "Soon?" enquired God, "What does 'soon' mean?" "Soon —quick—fast—how long to go before at last I am One with yo u?" p rayed the monk. And God could not understand, and yet God
sp oke, "Nothing can h appen s oon er or later than no w. Is now soo n enou gh for You?" "Am I forgiven, Father?" begged the nu n. "I have heard this word many t imes," said God. "Wh at does it mean?" "Forgiven—loved—paid up—sins forgotten—apologies accepted—in good standing," begged the nun. God u nderst ood n one o f this, except for love, and t hus, He spoke, "Love is what You are, and all I know You b y—no thing else is real." "Am I des erving?" the disciple asked. "An d what is th is word, 'des erving'?" enquired G od. "Deserving—goo d—worthy—in the money—a bit o f luck my way—well thoug ht o f by You, God," the disciple explained. And God was puzzled once ag ain, and yet God heard Himself say, "Whatever is worthy of Me is worthy of You; anyth ing unworthy o f Me is un worthy of You." "Will I be s aved?" the p riest called out . "Oh d ear," God sighed . "Here is anoth er word I understand not." "Saved—safe—protected—the lost and found department—defended," the priest cried out. And God replied, "Save your worri es, s ave you r fears. You are s aved b ecaus e, in truth , you were never lost —confus ed, I grant You— but nev er los t!" Beneath all the fearful, guilty, and unwise do gmas that so pollute an d s tain the s piritual traditions of the world, there i s, at heart, a rich unt ouched seam of joy, bliss , happiness , and laughter, as t ypified by st ories o f the joyful Christ , the laughing Buddha, the playful Krishna, the s inging angels, and oth ers. 11 For us , also , beneath our own fear, guilt, and p ain, there is, at heart, a rich, untou ched s pirit of to tal joy t hat is cons tantly at play. Herein lies the cos mic joke. Simply s tated, th e cos mic joke is really a touch of cos mic irony. All the great s piritual teachers , including Budd ha, Jesu s, and Krish na, started o ut, like you and I, as s earchers of happines s, love, and God. Wh en the truth was revealed to them , they laughed. They laughed for joy , and with relief, for their searching was finally ov er. They no w underst ood that what they'd s earched th e world for was within th em all along . In oth er words . . .
YOU ARE what you seek! When the Zen mast er Po-chang was as ked about s eeking for the joy of th e Buddha, he ans wered, "It is much l ike riding an ox in s earch of an o x." The Chinese p hilos opher M enicus, from the 4th cen tury b . c., said, "The Tao i s near and p eople seek it far away. "An ancient African proverb on happines s st ates : "Why tell animals living in the water to drink?" The 18th-cen tury French writer Voltaire said, " Paradise is where I am "—"I am" b eing your u ncond itioned, u niversal Self. And , for good measu re, the American hu morist Jos h Billings put it like this: "If you ever find h appines s by h unting for it, you will find it, as th e old woman d id her lost sp ectacles, s afe on her own no se all the time." 12 Imagine how funny it would be if you were to overhear the mighty s un p raying for light, the ocean praying for water, the wind praying for a breath of fresh air. Imagine, if you can, a dark sun, a dry ocean, a wind without air, and, for that matter, a universe cramped for sp ace, eternity rush ed, infinity feeling slightly hemmed in. And what co uld be fun nier than y ou and me, made of joy, praying to God for more love and more happiness! Youtsare what you t seek. Theabou cos mic challenges you t o give up y oura fears, guilt, conditioning, and doub , and accept he truth t youjoke r uncond itioned Self. You are not body,your you are noyour t a fearful mind, you areyour not sep arate, you are not s mall—you are th e Presence of Love, you are happines s incarnate, and p eace of mind is always with you. True Selfacceptance is the realization that . . . the soul is joy!
Our greatest fear i s t hat we are, at heart, w rong, bad, and not g ood en ough —the dev il incarnate. The laughter of the cos mic joke is really relief that this n ightmare of mistaken identity and co nfus ion is no t the truth. The laughing Buddha laughs becaus e he can afford to. He k nows h e is s afe and that we are all safe. To get the cos mic joke, though , you must b e prepared to ch ang e you r mind abo ut yourself. Ano ther way of stating the real tr uth ab out y ou, according to the co smic joke, is t o s ay that . . . you are trul y happy 10 0 percent of the time; your only problem is that you are not always aware of this.
Yes! Amazing as it may s oun d, you r happines s is with y ou 100 percent of th e time. The reason you do n ot always feel happy is becaus e you let the s uns hine of your s pirit get eclipsed b y clouds of fear, doubt , guilt, illus ion, and mistaken
identity. In truth, you can afford to laugh , however, becaus e no matter what h appens to yo u in the world, your s pirit is s afe and sound in the heaven of your unconditioned Self. Happiness cannot leave its source! When troubled, therefore, don't pray: "God, grant me happiness !" " God s end me Your Love!" or " God, give me peace!" Can you see how each of these prayers presupposes and reaffirms that what you want is not already with you? Instead pray, "God, reveal to me my joy," "God, heal my fear that Love is n ot here," or "God, teach me to feel again my peace of mind." Remember . . . real prayer is not a cosmic DHLdel ivery s ervice; real prayer is rec eiving that which i s al ready gi ven.
The cos mic joke encourages you to laugh o ut loud at illusions of lack, guilt, and th e false co nditions an d ob st acles in the way of you r salvation. That is what t he p oem "Question Time" is all abou t. Your inner fears, if not healed, are alw ays projected out onto that which you s eek—that is, God, love, and hap pines s. By letting go of your fears, all projection s disappear, and o nly joy remains . One of my favorite lines in A Course in Miracles is: "God do es n ot forgive becaus e He has never cond emned." This is quite a brilliant insight. God is unconditional, and so too is love and happiness. Thus, the fears that happiness has to be worked for, suffered for, and sacrificed for are truly laughable. Holy laughter pierces through all illusions.
Uncovering the "Joy" of Happiness When St. Francis of Ass isi was asked by Brother Leo, "What is perfect joy?" he replied with th e following s tory: Imagine that I return to Perugi a on th e darkest of nights, a night s o cold that everyth ing is co vered with s now, and the fros t in the folds of my hab it hits my legs and makes them bleed. Shrouded in sno w and s hivering with cold, I arr ive at the door o f the friary, and after calling out for a long time, the broth er porter gets up an d as ks: "Wh o is it?" And I respon d: "It is I, Brother Francis." The po rter says : "Be on you r way. Now is not the t ime to arrive at the friary. I will not open the d oor for you." I ins ist, and h e ans wers: "Be on you r way right now. You are s tupid and an idiot. We are already many here and we do not need you." I insist once more: "For the love of God, let me in, just for tonight." And he ans wers: "Not ev en to t alk. Go to t he leper colony t hat is n earby." "Well, Brother Leo, if after all this I do not lose patience and remain calm, believe me, that is perfect joy!" 13
What St. Francis was trying to teach Brother Leo was th at true happ iness is unco nditional in that it is u ltimately unaffected by in the world. Joy is, ultimately, not of this world; it is quite clearly very different to worldly pleasure and life sat isfaction (s ee Table C). Ess entially put, pleasure and sat isfaction are cond itional egos tates ; joy is un conditional—there is no ego.
Pleasure is happin ess of the bo dy. It can be thrilling, warm, wet, fuzzy, funny, phys ical, sexual, exciting, deeply res tful, and highly arous ing. Pleasure is sen su al and highly trans ient in that it quickly comes and go es. Pleasure does n't exist on its own—it mus t always have an external spark or stim ulus, s uch as so und, aroma, or touch. Pleasure is also no nuniversal —that is, the s ame stimulus does n ot elicit the same pleasure in everyo ne. For instance, I enjoy s targazing, you may no t; I list en to Barry Manilow songs , you may no t; I like spicy food s, yo u may not; I appreciate the rich smel l of farmyards , you may no t; I ado re the feel of sil k, you may no t. Satisfac tion is happin ess of the world. It implies a mental judgment, us ually favorable, about t he " conten ts " o f the world around y ou. For ins tance, "I'm happy becaus e my hou se n o longer leaks," or "I'm happ y becaus e my bod y is the right s hape," or "I'm happy becaus e my car is t he right s hape." Satisfaction always requ ires a becaus e—that is, a reaso n. You're happy becaus e you judge that " this is goo d," "th is is okay," and "th is is right." You're happy becaus e the world looks a certain way—it fits you r picture. This s atisfaction with life is very fragile, thou gh, for it hang s on how the world looks. Your con tentment is t hreatened, th erefore, each moment the world changes , and th e world is changing each moment! Certainly, circumst ances can help yo u to be hap py, but it's a mistake to th ink that you need a precise form or a precise s et of circumst ances to make you happy.
Joy is h app iness of the spirit. It is "true happiness" in that it al ways stays true. This is the happ iness that goes with you wherever you go. Wh ereas ph ys ical pleasures and life s atisfaction are born and th en die, joy is et ernal and timeless —it is h app iness now. This joy is inward, it is deeply intimate, a part of the fabric of y our s oul, and it is the amazing grace of your spiri t. As such, it is cons tant. This joy is n atural. It is 100 percent un conditional, nonjudgm ental, and free. Wherever you g o, there It is. It is no t empty, It is full. It is Loving. It has cons ciousn ess . You can relate to It. You can ask It for guidance. You can ask It to sh ine Its Light upon y our problems. You can sing to It, pray t o It, and dance with It. You can meditate on It. You can draw with It, write with It, and heal with It. You can ask It to b less you r relations hips , your life, your career, everything . Let It be!
Being Unreasonably Happy! And a ll of a sudden I was out of my mind ; And I lo st my head ; And I forgot to remember; And I cou ld no longer make u p my mind. And I was so u nreasonabl e— Happy, loving, ecstati c, for no reason at a ll. I smiled, I laughed , I loved, I was genero us for no rea son a t all. I sang, I dan ced. "Hello," I cried . I was hap py— hap py for no reaso n at a ll. And I was so though tless— Free to fly witho ut any th ought of fear at all. Free to g o without judg ements, plans or the n eed to k now; Free to live withou t any tho ugh t of "wha t if, "watch out," or "how so?" I was reall y not myself. And try as I might, I still cann ot thin k straight. I have still not co me to my senses. Being sensi ble h as lost its appeal. I live, now, in a wo rld of innocence, And in no sense at all do I regret the d ay I gave way And lived totally out of control. Can you remember a time in you r life when yo u were happy for no reaso n at all? All of a sud den y ou were su rprised by joy. It bub bled up as if from nowhere. Your s mile was almos t too big for you r face, your heart want ed to leap out o f your ches t, and your whole body rang like a bell. "I'm happy !" you cried. I wond er why? you thought. "I must know w hy?" y ou demanded. And just t hen, the joy appeared to d ie. Children are often h appy withou t reaso n—it is part of their charm . Often y ou can catch a ch ild laughing for the sh eer joy of it, smiling for the s ake of smiling, playing happ ily with happines s. It b oth amus es and s addens me to think that when a child laughs for no reas on at all, we think it's wond erful, but when an ad ult laughs for no reas on at all, we immediately fear for his or her health. The p oint is . . . who ever said happiness needs a reason?
"Tho ught less ," the p oem above, des cribes my own experience of what I cal l "joy," or "un reason able happiness ." Joy is unreaso nable happines s in that it requir es n o reason , no st imulus, no s pecial conditions, no co ntrolled effort, and no down payment. This joy is beyon d time, beyo nd s pace, and bey ond this life we know; and y et it is fully alive, fully present, fully pos sible now. This can o nly be, ho wever, if we accept that hap pines s is free. There's an old j oke I picked up at p sy chology s chool that g oes like this: If a ps ycho logist came across two doors , one saying "Heaven" and the other saying "Lecture on Heaven," the psychologist would walk through the door to the lecture! Honest ly, which do or would you walk throug h? May be . . . your greatest downfall is that you believe you have to understand happiness before you can be happy.
Can you accept happiness unconditionally, without even understanding it? If you can, then happiness is yours uncon ditionally. Happiness is never gras ped; it is s imply let loos e. In truth, happiness needs no reas on. A smile needs n o reason. Love needs no reaso n. Kindnes s n eeds no reaso n. There are gifts for free—life's t rue treasures. Can you co pe with that?
Being Spont aneously Avail able "The soul shoul d always stand a jar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." - Emily Dickins on My friends Tom and Linda Carpenter have taugh t me as much about h appines s as anyon e. They are dedi cated teachers of A Course in Miracles; and t hey travel the worl d, quietly sharing their profound messag es of love, truth, and joy. 14 When they're not traveling, they live on a tropical flower farm on the Hawaiian island of Kauai. Tom, Linda, and I will sit and talk about truth, God, and the u niverse for hours on en d. 15 It i s our joy to d o s o. I remember once as king Tom, "Wh at is hap piness ?" His ans wer moved me so d eeply that it has since beco me a central principle of my work with The Happ iness Project. He said: "Happiness is being spontaneously available to your spirit."
Spontan eous ly available! What a beautiful phrase th at is. The moment h e s aid thos e words, it reminded me of a very famous st ory of a meeting between a Zen m ast er and a distinguished university profess or. The professo r, who tau ght history an d ph ilos ophy, had reques ted a meeting with the Zen master whi le traveling through Japan. The Zen master agreed to t he meeting. "I have co me to learn from you what is truth," s aid the profess or. "Would you like some tea?" said the master, who was smiling from ear to ear. "Than k you," said t he p rofess or. "I hav e little time, but I am keen to learn all that I can ." The master began to pour the tea. "You s ee," s aid the profes so r, "my ent ire life has been a search for truth ." The mast er continued to p our. "That's plenty of tea, thank you." The master kept pouring. "Master, the cup is overflowing—no more tea will go in." The master smiled. As he s till poured, he s aid, "My d ear profess or, like this cup , you are full of your own beli efs and theories. How can I sho w you Zen unless you first empty y our cup?" Think of the p rofess or as a s ymbol of your ego, or con ditioned self—full of plans, theo ries, beliefs, and ideas abo ut happines s. The Zen master i s a s ymbol of the uncon ditioned Self, entirely empty o f hypoth eses and s chemes. The mast er neither searches for happiness nor tries to un derstand it; he is simply happy. H e's happy because h e's spon taneously available to th e joy of his unco nditioned Self. Spontaneous availa bility is f ull acceptance. Happiness isn't an intelligence tes t. You do n't have to understand happiness before you can be happy. Indeed, you cannot understand happiness first. Rather, you must first choose to be happy, and only then will you understand. In other words, you cannot think your way to happiness. Happiness is not a formula of thought. If anything, happiness is the relinquishment of thoughts, theories, and theses; to be happy, you have to give up all concepts of happiness.
This is p articularly true if you'r e currently unhap py, for the t hinking t hat makes you unh appy now canno t make you happy later. You have to b e willing, therefore, to be s pont aneous ly available to fresh insight, fresh wisd om, and fresh inspiration. The mess age is: Be fresh! Now is n ew. It is n ot th e pas t. Your mind is full of "o ld tea," s o yo u must first empty the cu p—that is, be willing to let g o o f limited fears and ideas. The mys tics of old continuall y beckoned th eir st udent s t o give up con cepts of God, love, heaven, and joy. They explained th at yo ur thinking is at bes t like a finger that points to th e moon, bu t it is not the moon. Stop po inting! Stop theorizing! Be willing to be av ailable to the joy of y our s oul. Say, "I am available." Affirm, "I am available." Sing, " I am available." List en, be open, be clear, be empty. Take a leap! Jump for joy! To th e intellect, simply choos ing to b e happ y isn 't enoug h. It's a s illy idea. Sometimes, th ough , the s illy ideas are the bes t. Wh en I was researching my boo k Laug hter, the Best Medicine, I discovered that the word silly comes from the old European words "seely" and "saelig," both of which mean "blessed," "happy," and "joyful." creative, open, fearl ess , and, abov e all, you are u ncond itioned.
16
W hen you're s illy, you're
When I asked Tom to expand on h is idea of s pont aneous availability, he reminded me of a ph rase in A Course in Miracles that reads : "A healed mind does not p lan." He then went on t o s ay . . . "Your plan for happiness will not work."
Tom's teach ing of s pont aneous availability moved me deep ly becaus e I'm a "recov ering planner." Ever since I can remember, I've lived my life to a plan. All throug h my 20s, in particular, I diligen tly followed my five-year p lan, my three-year plan, my on eyear plan, my one-month plan, my on e-week plan, and my daily plan. My whole life was planned ou t. I was very focus ed, but I was also rigid, inflexible, unavailable, and preoccupied. Have you heard th e s aying " Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"? What Tom implies b y "y our plan for happiness will not work" is that happines s requ ires n o plan. If you think that happines s needs a plan, then yo ur thinking is o ff. Happines s need no t be p lanned for; it is here already. Sometimes, though, we're simply too busy planning our future happiness to enjoy happiness now. Can you let go of your plans and accept peace no w, love no w, and joy now? Can you move pas t you r conditioning and accep t happ iness uncon ditionally? Can you be spontaneously available?
You Onl y Live Once . . . Your who le life is not in front of you— it is here— NOW! After yea rs of s tudying stress , I've concluded that one o f the biggest caus es o f stress is that we w ait for happi ness to happen . We think happines s is no t for no w; rather, we see it as a reward we work toward, s truggle after, and s uffer for, in the ho pe that one day it will happen. Following th is erroneous train of tho ught , today b ecomes a day for well-behaved hardship, noble suffering, mild martyrdom, and quiet desperation, and tomorrow, maybe, we might be happy. I believe, however, that . . .
to be happy, you have to lose the "wait problem"!
Conditions will get no better in the futu re for as long as y ou're waiting aroun d to be hap py. Indeed, it's only when yo u st op waiting t hat co nditions begin to improve. I remember how all throug h my teenage y ears and early 20s I had t his fantasy that life would get better in abo ut 18 month s' time or s o. I remember how I us ed to think that I'd be less sh y, more confident, more su ccess ful, and p robably world famous ! I was conv inced that so mething wonderful and s pecial would happen to me. I had nothing concrete to base these feelings upon; I just hoped that when 18 months had passed, life would have ironed out its prob lems for me and I'd b e a lot h appier. Wh at I experienced, however , was th at th e 18 month s never came any closer—no matter how much time elapsed, the 18 months always seemed 18 months away. I finally, painfully, began to realize that, in order to be happy, I had to participate more fully in my life—now. In other words . . . to be happy, you have to give up "when" for "now"!
A good exercise is to take two pieces of pap er and write on the to p of one: "I'll be happy when . . ." and on to p of the other, "I'll be happy if . . ." Now complete the list . When do yo u think you'll be hap py? " When " are you hang ing on for? And what " if" has to hap pen before you ch oos e to be hap py? Keep writing and writing, and see h ow many con ditions you've tried to conv ince yourself you need before you can s tart smiling. "You only live o nce . . ." has a do uble meaning. It refer s to t he idea th at th is moment in time will only ever hap pen once. Make a po int, therefore, of k nowing what th e dat e is t oday, becaus e this date is a on e-time th ing. Today will never, ever happen again. Bearing t his in mind, ho w will you choos e to live to day? Today isn't a practice run—the game i s on already! "You o nly live on ce . . ." also refers to the " wait problem" an d th e fact that we're always prep arin g to be happy instead of being happy. In other words , you only s tart to really live once . . . work is ov er, it's Saturday night, th e holidays are here, you h ave s ome money, you fall in love, you get married, you buy a home, you bu y ano ther home, your m ortgage is finally paid off, your pens ion plan matures, and so on. But even th en yo u s till can't be h appy . . . not u ntil the grandchildren get a good education! What are you waiting for before you g ive yours elf fully to this world? More su pport, maybe? M ore confidence? More autho rity? Mo re opportun ity? More qualifications? Can you see t hat . . .
While you wait, happiness waits. While you wait, love waits. While you wait, peace waits. While yo u wait, freedom waits. While you wait, opportunity waits. While you wait, the world waits. While you wait, we all wait. The " wait an d s ee" s icknes s is s imply fear. "W hat if I st op waiting and go for it, and then I fail?" By waiting, you fail. By giving you rself fully, you'll get all you o nce waited for—al l the s uppo rt, confidence, authority , and oppo rtunity. It h appens when you happen. Happines s happens when you give yourself fully!
Why wait for what is already here? Recently I experienced o ne of my mos t profoun d ps ychot herapy s ess ions ev er. Paul is in his 40s, a t all man, quite lean, eyes set back in a so ft and kind face. H e'd been o n my "Eight Week Happiness Program," during which he'd s hared with all of us the fact th at he was recovering from alcoholism. In ou r one-on-one s ess ion, Paul told me how he had tried "everyth ing" to be hap py b ut " noth ing" had worked. In particular, he des cribed to me how, every time he app eared to take a step closer to happiness, happiness took one step farther away. Happiness was always on the horizon, and the horizon was always out there so mewhere. "I've given up chas ing happines s, an d no w I'm just waiting t o be happy," Paul told m e. Withou t really knowing why at the time, I asked Paul to cl os e his eyes and picture the happ iness he s poke of. "What do y ou see?" I asked. "I s ee a s mall light in the d istance," replied Paul. "How small and how far away?" I asked. "Very s mall, like a little light at the end of a very long tun nel." Again, withou t really knowing why at the t ime, I asked Paul to imagine that this light was b eginning to travel toward h im, slowly at first . "Can you p icture that?" I as ked. "Yes," he s aid. As the light t raveled toward Paul, I could s ee that h is bod y beg an to tremble. "Take a breath, Paul—breathe deeply and slowly. Let th e light come even closer." As h e did s o, silent tears s pilled down bot h his cheeks. "How far aw ay is t he light? " I asked. "I don't know—about ten feet, m aybe." Paul wanted to open h is eyes . "Kee your eyes closed, Paul, let th e light a
roach, and kee breathing," I whis ered.
Inch by inch, in Paul's mind, he allowed the light to come closer, and each time it did, his body trembled more and more, and tears fell to th e groun d. Eventually, the light was right in front o f Paul and cov ered his whole inner vision. Follow ing my intuition, I then as ked Paul to take the li ght back inside himself. As Paul did th is, he s obbed and s obb ed—he cried tears that seemed to come up from the very p it of his s tomach. At that moment, I do n't mind admitting, I cried, too . We eventu ally held each other. I sup pos e what we'd gone t hrough toget her was a t ype o f time travel. By bringing the light closer, we were bringing th e future closer. W e were exchanging "when" for "now," "th ere" for "h ere," and " outer" for "inner." Paul's trembling body signaled his res istance to this. His tears—and mine, also —were for the grief of denying t his inner happines s, and for all the y ears of looking for hap piness in all the wrong places. Without t raveling an ywhere, Paul's journey was complete. Paul had, in th at moment, accept ed h appines s uncon ditionally an d t he waiting was finally o ver. A week later, he was s till "ov er the moon." Two weeks later, however, Paul foun d th at he was po inting at the moon ag ain. The old doub ts , fears, an d conditioning had returned. Before Paul could cond emn h imself too badly, we embarked upon "The Journey of Light" exercise again. At the t ime of th is writing, we continue t o do this meditation tog ether as a way of co ns tantly reminding ourselves that true happiness is here and now .
CHAPTER 6 Healing Unhappiness Life is actu ally bad for your health, or at least that's how it feels so metimes. W hen we're "in good health," life is great, everything is great. We acknowledge life to be a blessing-full of beauty, awe, and wonder. We value life and we do everything we can t o " get a life." But we also have moments when we probably wouldn't recom mend life to anyon e und er any circumst ances . Life feels deadly. It s eems as if one moment you can be dancing g racefully, beautifully, with effortless ease; and the next moment y ou wish so meone, s omewhere, had t he decency to tell you that your s hoelaces are unt ied. You know about laughter, but yo u also know about t ears. You've loved much, but you also hav e you r fears. You en joy highs ; yo u end ure lows. You can be warm; you can be cold. Sometimes y ou're in tun e; oth er times you can 't even hit a not e. Oh, for a drop of hindsight ; oh, for a bucketful of fores ight! Life can be t rying. The tes ts are so metimes easy, s ometimes difficult; s ometimes obvious , s ometimes hidden; so metimes multiple choice, someti mes a 2,000-word es say that has to be h anded in now! Sometimes y ou pas s t he tes ts , sometimes you have to take the tes ts again. And so metimes life is s imply too much to b ear. Then the t est s really stack up an d yo u fear you might n ot hav e what it takes to co me through . My friend and colleague Aliso n Atwell faxed me a pas sag e by Stuart Wilde awhile ago. He's the au thor o f Weight Loss
for the Min d ,1 among other bo oks. On top of the fax, Aliso n wrote: "Is th is life or what?!" I met Stuart s oon afterward at a conference and as ked him if I could share his words, and he readily agreed. The pass age reads : We have to embrace in finity inside a mortal bod y. We have to believe in a god we can't see. We have to learn to love in a dimension where there is so much hatred. We have to see abundan ce when people constantly talk
of shortages and lack.
We have to discover freedom where control is the state religion. We have to develop self-worth while people criticize and belittle us. We have to see bea uty where th ere is uglin ess. We have to embrace ki ndness and po sitive attitudes when surrounded by un certainty . This p ass age s ums up the challenges of life quite beau tifully. It illustrates the maze of mystery, uncertai nty, paradox, and duality th at appears before us on o ur life's p ath. The world is like a chrysalis an d we are the butt erfly; and s omehow it's u p to us to emerge from the world, free again, wholly joyous and loving. In spite of it all, we must not stop loving.
Sh!t Happens! Sometimes we get frightened. And so metimes we lose our wa y. Unhappiness can be frighten ing, not th e least becaus e it feels so permanent. How ironic it is th at when we're happ y we immediately fear that it can't last, but when we're unhappy, we instantly "know" it will last forever. When we're depressed, we rarely think, This will be over by lunchtime! Instead, our perception collapses, our thoughts freeze, and our focus st ays fixed on the pain. Thus , the illusion of unh appiness is that it feels s o final and s o forever, when, in truth . . . although unhappines s feels so permanent, it is always transient.
Unhappiness has a way of collaps ing time and sp ace. Thus , when we're unhapp y, we not only feel that it wi ll last "always" and "forever," but we also believe that "everything" about ou r life is " wrong," "bad ," " not good enough," and "nothing." We generalize, we "awfulize," we experience what one of my clients once called "humoroids"—that is, hardening of the attitudes that cause piles of problems! Hence, unhappiness blac kens perceptio n and b lots th e mind with tho ught s o f despair, hopeless nes s, and more fear. When unh appy, we lose t he art of being s pecific. One of my clients once illus trated th is with g reat humor. "I am so dreadfully un happy," Mary s aid. When I as ked her why, she folded her arm s t ight across her ches t and said, "I'm just s o afraid." "W hat are you afrai d of?" I asked. "Everything!" s he replied. "Can you b e sp ecific?" I asked. Mary then smiled, and yelled, "I am being specific!" The principal reaso n unh appines s is s o frighten ing is t hat . . . unhappines s is fear!
The s tory of your unh appiness —that is, the even ts , people, reason s, and circumst ances —may appear different from my story, but the s ource of our unhappine ss is the s ame. Every form of unhappi ness is a mani festation o f fear. Thus , fear and
unhap piness are inextricably linked—they are the same thing. The same is also true of fear and g rief, fear and anxiety, fear and d epress ion, and fear and the pain of fail ure. Unhappiness is born of fear and it gives birth to fear . When we give ou r power to unhapp iness , we automatically s ide with fear, and we automatically become very afraid of everything. Fear is afraid of everything becau se fear can only see itself in everything. Think for a moment. What is fear not afraid o f? To make matters even wors e, fear's " so lution" to everything is more fear, more panic, more doubt, and more defense. Fear is frightening. It plays tricks with the mind. I once read somewhere that . . . F. E.A. R. actually stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.
I've also read that F. E.A. R. stands for Forgetting Everythin g is All Righ t. And another translation I once read is: Fuck Everythin g And Run! No matter which on e you relate to, fear is frightening. Althoug h yo u've managed to live through every typ e of fear, failure, grief, and disapp ointment in th e pas t, there's a p art of you r mind that always say s: " This t ime it's different." Welcome to your eg o! Your ego , full of fear and d oubt , is blind to the s trength, po wer, and love of you r uncond itioned Self. It believes, therefore, that ev ery new episode o f unhapp iness is terminal. Indeed, according to the ego, not only are you ab out to die, but yo u're going to die alone!
Most frightenin g of all is the lo neliness of unha ppiness. We feel so s eparate, so isolated, and s o cut off from everything , esp ecially our un con ditioned Self, when we're unh appy. Happ iness feels like it's a lifetime away, a million miles away . . . when we're unhappy and afraid. We feel small, weak, and vulnerable; and the ego quickly kicks into action, reinforcing t he fears with commentary s uch as "No on e can h elp," " Nothing will work," "It's no u se," "There's n o ans wer," and "There' s no ho pe." Our fears, doub ts , and loneliness attempt to talk us into even greater unhap piness . It's as if the ego co ns pires, often in our most p rivate moments , to make us feel as if we're here on th e planet to endo rse a s pecial type of pain—so deeply pers onal, awful, and u nique to us . Surely no one s uffers the way we do. The truth is, you can walk up to anyo ne, on any s treet, in any city, in any count ry, in any cu lture, and on an y cont inent, and if you say, "I'm so so rry to hear abou t yo ur problem," their reply to you will mos t likely be, " Who told yo u?!" Unhappiness isn't s o s pecial! It does n't make you u nique—lonely, maybe, bu t no t un ique. We all know what pain is. We've all "suffered," and we're all ready to heal . . . aren't we?
Give Yourself a Break Happiness isn 't just th e absence of sadness; it's also the capacity to love and hea l you r sadn ess. My client Joanna's first words to me were: "I feel totally s tupid being h ere." She went on to s ay, "This is a to tal failure for me. I sh ould be en joying my life. I should b e hap py. I should b e carefree. I'm 21, for Christ's sake. I'm 21 and I'm depress ed. I haven't even s tarted to live, and I'm depress ed already." We had barel y introduced ou rselves when s he went on t o s ay, "I wish I cou ld jus t pu ll mys elf together, but I can't find any thing to pull." Joanna came to me for treatment for depres sion. Several cours es o f antidepress ants hadn't worked. She was b right, clever, very aware, and hy percritical. According t o h er, noth ing s he d id was ever g ood enoug h. She had a nat ural flair for fashion des ign that she'd given up becaus e sh e was "us eless at it"; sh e sang solos at church and had performed on TV, but "really I'm an awful singer," sh e told me. And so it went on. I didn't treat Joanna for depress ion becaus e that was n't her problem; her problem was a cons tant, learned form of selfcriticism —one born from a fear of being "bad," " wrong," " noth ing," and "n ot go od eno ugh." 2 Clearly, no amount o f achievement would be good enough for her because deep down she felt guilty and not good enough. The very first iss ue Joann a and I address ed was not her criticism of herself or her achievem ents , but h er criticism of her emotions . She was s o hard on h erself that it wasn't safe for her to have any emotions. I explained a principle of healing that ap plies t o everyon e, which is . . . to heal unhappines s, you must make it s afe to feel your feel ings .
Joanna sav ed her most sev ere judgments for her emotions . Every emotion was , in Joan na's mind, completely dismiss ed as b eing either "wrong," "bad ," "s tupid," " crazy," " pathet ic," " idiotic," or "not hing, really." I los t coun t of the t imes sh e said, "I sho uld be handling this bett er" and "I s houldn't feel like this, bu t . . ." Joanna's excessive judgment about her feelings was really an attempt to con trol her pain. Alas, s he foun d th at judgment does not control pai n; it compounds pai n. I almost always begin therapy by addressing my clients' response to their unhappiness and not the unhappiness itself, for I've come to learn that it is the response to unhap piness that causes so m uch pain. In other words . . . unhappiness is painful, but the response to unhappiness is often more painful.
We can be s o brut al, so critical, so judgmental, and s o afraid of o ur emotions , particularly un happy emotions su ch as grief, anger, s adnes s, and depres sion. Every time we criticize and judge o urselves for feeling un happy, we're s imply add ing fuel to the fire. With ev ery s elf-attacking thou ght, t he p ain flares u p an d feels more real. The more we cond emn, the more we identify with th e pain itself. Soon, p ain feels more real than joy. The first s tep, then , to healing you r unhapp iness is a radical one. It is t o trus t that . . . unhappines s is not real.
When I say unhappin ess is not real, what I mean is unhappin ess is not the truth abo ut you. The truth is that no matter how much you 've learned to identify with yo ur pain, you a re not you r illn ess, and you a re not your emotions. It is a lie, for
example, to s ay, "I am an an orexic"; y ou may b e experiencing anorexia, but an orexia is not you. The real you has no conditions —it is unco nditional. Thus , you're not your an orexia, your alcoholism, your cancer, or any ot her illness , for thes e conditions are ex periences and no t identities. Similarly, it's also a lie to say, as Joanna did, "I'm depress ed."Yes, you may b e experiencing depress ion, but you are not depress ion; you may be experiencing an ger, but yo u are not anger; y ou may b e experiencing grief, but y ou are not grief; you may be experiencing fear, but you are not fear. Once again, no matter how m uch you've learned to identify with thes e feelings, they do n ot, in truth, define you. E motions are experiences ; they are not who yo u are. For centuries th e Buddhists have tau ght followers to s ay "I am with anger," as oppo sed to " I am angry"; "I am with sadnes s," as oppos ed to " I am sad" ; and "I am w ith unhappi ness ," as op posed to "I am unhappy. " This practi ce of naming the emotion y ou are with helps you to not confuse your identity with the emotions you feel. It's also very good for keeping pers pective, staying cent ered, honoring your em otions , practicing peaceful acceptance, and h ealing un happines s. Try it. Unhappiness and fear have a way of disto rting v ision and making false evid ence appear real. In the Taoist Bible, the Tao Te Ching, it explains that when yo u're unhapp y an d afraid: The way that is bright s eems dull; The way that leads forward s eems t o lead backward; The way that is even s eems rou gh; Th e highes t virtue is like the valley; The s heerest whitenes s seems s ullied; Ample virtue seems defective . . . 3
Unhappiness is Self- deception—it i s not a truthful state. It has nothing to do with your joyous, loving, unconditioned Self; it has everyth ing to do with th e ego—th e thou ght in yo ur mind that b elieves that y ou're small, sep arate, unworthy , in exile, and have ev ery reason to be afraid. The ego , born of fear, sees no s pirit, no happines s, and no h ope. Unhappiness and fear feel real, but t hey're not. They appear to ecli ps e the joy of your sp irit, but t hey cann ot des troy the sp irit. Your s pirit lives on , always free, loving, and happy 100 percent of the time. Unhappiness happen s when you wander away from your true Sel f and " lose s pirit"; true healing is s imply a return to sp irit, a return to love, a return to t ruth, and a return to joy. I n truth , then . . . pain runs deep, but joy runs deeper.
What ever pain you may be experiencing right now, it's good to know that your true uncon ditioned Self is okay and all is well. To realize th is, you mus t first be p repared to give yo urself a break—a break fr om the inces san t s elf-judgment, and a break from identifying with the pain. You are no t your pain .
Honesty Is the Best Pol icy One day a man went to visit a doct or who was famous for his radical healing cures. " Wh at's y our problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm completely d epress ed," s aid the man. After a brief consu ltation, the do ctor said, "I won't gi ve you tablets for your depres sion. The circus is in town this weekend, and I want you to g o s ee th e great clown Grimaldi." The man bo wed his head an d s aid, "My dear doct or, I am Grimaldi." Psych ology s urveys on s ubjective well-being s how conclusively that peo ple tend to exaggerate their publi c reports of happiness. 4 We'll often fake happ iness when we're low, such is our s hame about unhap piness . We're also eager to keep up appearances ; and to p ut o n a b rave face, a stiff upper li p, a mask, and a smile . . . for, like us , so ciety does n't tolerate unhappiness well. As the saying goes: "Laugh and the world laughs with you / Weep and you weep alone."
5
"How are you?" we greet our friends . "Not so b ad," they s ay. They're telling us noth ing. They're neither happy no r sad, good nor bad. W hen I as k my clients how they are, the answer i s often, "Not s o bad," and ev en, "I'm well, thank you !" They are, apparently , not unhap py, but they've st ill made an appointment. Si milarly, doctors greet th eir patients, " How are you?" " Well!" say the patients. "Why are you here, then?" asks the doctor. It's extremely rare for people to ad mit publicly to being s ad, depres sed , nervous , angry, jealous , or unhap py—the sh ame of it would be too much. From an early age, we've learned to hide and b e disho nes t abo ut o ur emotions , for fear of judgment and gu ilt. Common " You s hou ld be ashamed of you rself" mess ages include: • "Big bo ys don 't cry." • "Take that look off your face." • "I'll give you anger." • "How dare you . . ." • "Don't be a cry-baby." • "What a song and dance!" • "You'll be smiling on the oth er side o f your face in a minute." • "Pull yourself together." • "Who do you think you are ?'
• "Get a grip." • "Stop crying." • "Stop laughing." • "There will be tears before bedtime." We've learned to b e s ecretive. We hide our feeli ngs . We sup press our emotions . Suppress ion, denial, rationalization, and other d efenses all seem to work well at first , but they so on fail, for what felt like peace was only avo idance. We cry alone and in private. E ventu ally, when t he pain of s uppres sion an d s hame begins to s cream unbearably, we jettison our pride and at tend self-help grou ps with n ames like Depressives Anon ymous- the shame and secrecy continue. Being s ecretive abou t you r emotions does n't heal your pain; it ex acerbates it. In fact, I'd say that . . . 90 percent of any pain comes from trying to keep the pain se cre t.
You can't keep a s ecret and truly m ove o n with yo ur life. By being dish ones t abo ut yo ur pain, you s tay in pain. Dish ones ty may appear to help you get th rough y our day, but it will always leave you in pain in the end. Heal ing is a process of truth , and yo u cannot get t o trut h via dish onesty. Disho nes ty is, at bes t, a cont rol tactic; it is n ot a medicine. It cannot give you p eace. To heal, you mus t be prepared to accept t hat you a re not w rong for feeling u nha ppy or being u nwell. You must surrender the temptation to use your unhappiness and illness as a verdict or as evidence to prove that you're guilty and "not good enough. " Your disease is not t he truth ab out you. It is not you; it is merely an experience. Again and again, I have to remind my clients that being unh appy isn't a form of capital punishment. I tel l them that . . . unhappines s i sn' t a sin!
As long as you continue t o judge y ours elf for feeling unh appy or being un well, you'll feel sh ame. After judgment an d sh ame, there comes punish ment (s ee Figure 3 ). At th e precise moment y ou most n eed love and care, you administ er a cours e of personal abus e and neg lect. By refusing to love and be kind to y ours elf, you're punishing you rself, playing ou t your guilt, atoning for your weak nes s, and " getting what you think you des erve."
You cannot heal in secret. You mus t be prepared to tell the whole truth to so meone, to God, to the Holy Spirit, to a healing ag ency. When it com es to healing, hones ty is t he bes t policy. Secrecy on ly adds to yo ur pain, for . . . secrecy feeds shame!
Where th ere is s hame, there will be pain, and as long as you believe yo u're guilty, you'll continue to att ract unhap piness . In fact, you will experience a s much unhappi ness as yo u believe yo u deserve. Honesty lets the truth out, and truth eventu ally d ispels all shame. Thi s is important becaus e a b elief in unworthiness creates a world o f experience en tirely different and sep arate from that created by a belief of true Sel f-acceptance. For ins tance:
Unworthines s attracts pa in; worthiness is peace. Unworthiness casts doubt; worthiness is certainty. Unworthin ess projects guilt; worthin ess is freedom. Unworthiness spreads fear; worthiness is loving. Unworthin ess fuels ang er; worthiness is a smile. Unworthin ess is suffering; worth iness is rest.
Unworthiness demands sacrifice; worthiness is whole. Unworthiness always falters; worthiness is true. Honest y is the first freedom! It is the key to healing. Your ego cann ot afford to be hon est , but you can . By being hon est about your most private s elf-judgments, t he pain yo u feel begins to melt almos t immediately; b y being open about your sh ame, the agon y is s hared and q uickly begins to fade; and b y being truth ful about yo ur fears, their tight, fixed grip instantly begins to loosen. By being honest, you discover that you're no longer alone and help is now at hand.
Lett ing Dow n Your Defenses My encounter with my client Donald was to affect me profoundly. Donald was a short man in his late 60s with a small bod y, but his s pirit was gigantic! His face was covered in character lines, and he h ad on e eye, a full smile, a bus hy b lack mus tache, and rosy cheeks. He always s at with h is s houlders hun ched, leaning fully forward toward me. It was in our third ses sion to gether that he s aid to me, "Robert, I think my real problem is that I've forgotten how to b e hones t with myself." "I can smile for you, Robert," Donald s aid, "but my s miles are fake. I can laugh for you, Robert, but I no long er know what it feels like to laugh. In fact, I can't feel anything very much." Donald went on to tell me that the last time he'd cried was as a you ng b oy, and how he was hau nted by s elf-criticism and s elf-doubt. " I want my real smile back," he t old me. Perhaps his reques t becomes all the more poignant when I tell you t hat Donald is a profess ional clown. Donald had got ten s traight to th e heart of the matter w hen h e told me, "I've forgotten how to be hones t with myself." So afraid was he o f his unh appines s that he'd decided to put up a barrier to defend himself from the pain. The barri er had seemed to work at fi rst, du lling the p ain quite well, but Donald so on d iscovered th at by cutting h imself off from his pain h e had also, inadvertently, cut himself off from his joy. Donald had discovere d that defenses are dishon est. He had ho ped that his defenses might s omehow less en the pain, but inst ead th ey on ly added to it. He felt cut up and cut off from his feelings . He also d iscovered that y ou cannot be selectively hones t about feelings—that is, hones t about joy bu t dishones t about anger, or honest about anger but dishonest about jealousy. In our discussions together, we arrived at the conclusion that . . . what you defend against you attract!
All too often t he language of medicine and healing is a language o f war. We talk about "tackling h ealth issu es," "defeating dep ress ion," "ban ishing th e blues," "killing cancer," "o vercoming anxiety," "b eating period pain," "winning the fight against AIDS," and so on. I also co ntributed to this warlike language with m y clinic "Stress Busters ." Healing is no t a war; it is a peace p rocess . It's no t abou t resistan ce; it's ab out accep tance. Acceptan ce is t he key to peace, love, and healing. A feeling has only one ambition in life, and that is to be felt! Emotions want motion. Every time you resist an d defend agains t an emotion, the pain will pers ist long er. You must b e prepared to honor every feeling you experience—be it anger, jealousy, depression , sad nes s, or hate. Honoring the feeling is the s ame as b eing hones t abo ut an d accep ting th e feeling. Ultimately you accept the feeling, not beca use it's real, but becau se love is real. In other words, pain is alw ays just a visitor. It is transient. It always ends . Meanwhile, you r unco nditioned Self remains intact, forever loving, truly whole, and free of pain. So . . . acceptance is a setup for love.
Defensiveness won't heal, love will; condemnation won't heal, kindness will; judgment won't heal, forgiveness will; fighting won't heal, peace wil l; resistan ce won't h eal, acceptance wil l. At The Happines s Project, I often sh are what I call "The Declaration o f Acceptan ce." It reads :
Without acceptance, anger will enrage you. Without acceptance, guilt will shame you. Without acceptance, judgment will condemn you. Without acceptance, anxiety will torment you. Without acceptance, sadness will depress you. Witho ut accep tance, fear will terrify you. Without acceptance, pain will hu rt you. Without acceptance, loneliness will isolate
you.
Without acceptance, love cannot love you. Donald played with th e idea of acceptance. "Fighting m y un happines s has got me nowhere, " he s aid. As Donald became more and more def ens eless, he d iscovered a new s trength an d a new freedom. At first he talked about h is unh appines s withou t really feeling it, but one d ay th e tears finally came. The day Donald cried was the d ay he began to s mile again and really feel it. Donald's courage was exceptional. He was an ins piration to me. We would often hug and hold each other, crying an d laughing. Togeth er we gave each other th e courage to accept, love, and let go of ou r pain. Suppress ion, repress ion, denial, intellectualization, rational ization, avoidance, lying, and every o ther ty pe o f defens e are not t he eas y op tions they might first appear to be. Like a bad d rug habit, defenses keep asking more and more of you. It takes a lot of conscious and unconscious effort to keep the lid on unhappiness. Defensiveness is exhausting. Medical drugs , if wrongly prescribed, can be anot her form of defensivenes s that actu ally hinders the healing process . All too often in modern medicine, drugs are used incorrectly to s uppres s feelings. I think of unhappines s as a piece of
information—it's like a red light on your car d ash board t elling you to at tend to y our eng ine. Well, to follow this analogy, taking heav y s edatives inapprop riately is a bit like taking the fuse o ut of the car das hboard s o that t he light n o longer sh ows. No red light does not mean no prob lem. Fortunately, more and more doctors are learning to prescribe their drugs more wisely. In particular, they're learning not to us e drugs to s imply "s hut t heir patient's feelings up." Sedation isn't the s ame as healing. Thi s s hort-term "s olution" is a false eco nomy that even tually leads to more pain, not less . For too long, the medi cal profess ion has pond ered drugs or
therapy .6 Sometimes b oth are neces sary. Whatever is the m os t loving option is bes t. Soon after Donald st opped coming to s ee me, I received a letter from him in which he'd included a p ass age written by t he German poet Hermann Hesse. It reads:
Suffering only hurts because you fear it. Suffering only hurts because you complain
about it.
It pursu es you b ecau se you flee from it. You must no t flee, you must not co mplain, you must not fear. You must lo ve. You k now all this yourself , you kno w quite well, deep within you, that there is a single magic, a single pow er, a single sa lvatio n, and a single h app iness, and that is called loving. Well th en, love you r suffering. Do not resist it, do n ot flee from it. Taste how sweet i t is in it s essence, give yourself to it, do not meet it wit h aversion . It is only your aversion that hurts, nothin g else. 7
Asking for Help " Ask , believe, receive!" There's a story of a schoolteacher who told her class of young children the story of Moses. The children listened attentively, and after she fi nished, the t eacher asked, "Wh y do y ou th ink Mos es wandered lost in the d esert for 40 years?" There was a rather long hus h. Suddenly, a boy s hot u p his arm, obvious ly ins pired by a genuine fl ash of ins ight: "Maybe, Miss, Moses was afraid to ask for directions!" Healing is resto ration. It's ab out clearing away the rubb le of your cond itioned mind to reveal once more the wholenes s of you r uncond itioned Self. As with t rue happines s, th is rest oration does n't require excess ive labor, huge sacrifice, endless st ruggle, heavy su ffering, or any large down paym ents . Healing as ks noth ing of you oth er than you r willingnes s t o accept healing. The willingnes s t o accept h ealing is t he key to res toration, and part of that willingness also includes being wil ling to ask for help. For, in truth . . . you cannot be healed alone!
Too many times we try to heal alone. We somehow have it wired up in our mind that asking for help means we've failed. We're either too proud or too guilty t o as k for help. Selfish ly, we deny peo ple the op portun ity to love an d care for us becau se we feel too clumsy, too embarras sed, too undes erving, too selfish, too s uperior, or that we're being too much o f a nuisance. During my years with th e Stress Busters Clinic, I found th at most o f my clients had s uffered alone with their stres s for an average of b etween two and ten y ears b efore they first asked for help. On a s imilar note, my friend Michael, an Anglican vicar, once told me, "People love God so much they don't worry Him with their problems!" Healing and freedom must mean more to yo u than pride and guilt if you're going to b e happy. It is a classic symptom of stress to discount solutio ns before you try them. This is t he " Yes, bu t . . ." diseas e. Therefore, if your pride and guilt aren't getting in the way of your asking for help, maybe it's your cynicism. Cynicism is like a mental cancer. It attempts to kill all hope, light, adventure, growth, and healing. Cynicism is a decision to be a victim. Apart from being u nhelpful, cynicism is also n ever justified, nev er real, never true, and nev er accurate. Cynicism delays healing in a nu mber of ways : (1) We don 't ask becau se we already " know" that "it" won't work; (2 ) we don't as k becaus e we believe th at we "can't b e helped"; (3) we do as k for help, but we fully expect t o get no an swer—this su its our cyn icism perfectly, becaus e as long as we get no an swer we can hold on to our imagined guilt and s till play the victim. In the Bible it is written: "Ask, and it will be given you." 8 Wh at a deal! Don't you think, however, that it so und s almos t too good to b e true? It looks a little like a free lunch. Wh ere are the hidden extras, I wonder? Wh at's th e flip side to all this? Check the small print. Easy come, easy go! Many times in my past I've waved my fist in the air, feeling angry, abandoned, and ag grieved, qu oting the Bible to God—"I'm still asking. Where's Your answer?" I have come to learn from my own experience that when it comes to asking for help . . . you cannot hold on to pride, guilt, and cynicism and be healed!
When you ask for help, you wi ll receive the an swer you b elieve yo u des erve. This is the key to as king. Thus , the sen tence " As k, and it will be given yo u," maybe makes more sen se if you s ay, "As k, believe, and it will be given you." You cann ot be prou d and o pen, guilty and open, cyn ical and op en. For as long as y ou want to s tay proud , guilty, or c nical, ou close the door on an real answ er to our re uest for hel .
When you ask "for help," you have to be open and spontaneously available "to help." Therefore, before you ask for help, it's important to p ut as ide all pride, guilt, and cynici sm. In ot her words, you have t o s urrender illus ions for truth , pas t for present , resent ment for hope. As k—believe—receive! To heal and be h appy . . . you must be willing to ask, and be willing to receive.
I am currently practicing to be a better asker. For too long in my life I've suffered from a condition I call B.M.S.—By Myself Syn drome, the main s ymptom of which is b eing too afraid to as k for help. For example, in a b us y s hopp ing center I'll sp end 40 minutes (not qu ite 40 years!) looking for a sto re, when I co uld easily ask one of a tho us and p eople for directions. In a music store, I'll search over and over for a particular CD before thinking to ask for help from someone who's paid to h elp people who ask for help. I'm told that fear of asking is unique t o men! I believe, however, that bot h men and women know what it is to p lay the martyr, to refuse help, and to try to g o it alone. Too o ften healing is d elayed becaus e we try to mend o urselves before, and not after, we've asked for help from friends , family members , coun selors, God, and the Holy Spirit. We heal by being willing to as k and b eing willing to receive.
Sti ck to Your Strengths If you're un hap py, mayb e it's becau se you've ab andon ed your grea test sources of strength. My mother, Sally, recently experienced what could b e called " a s evere cas e of life." W hat s tarted o ut as a routine treatment for a bout of depres sion became a clos e encoun ter with death after she was p rescribed a combined cours e of sed atives, t ranquilizers, ant idepress ants , and other d rugs that almos t killed her. Three different times my b rother, David, and I said our goo d-byes to Mo ther, believing sh e might die that night. About six months into my mother's nightmare, I became completely exhausted. Traveling hundreds of miles to the clinic, often late into the night, four times a week, had taken its toll. The en dless , fruitless attempts t o co mmunicate with clinic administ rators an d d octors didn't help either . And then there was also t he fear and worry for my mother. Fear is exhaus ting. Having no time for rest is also exhaus ting. But even worse was the fact that so mehow, in the middle of this crisis, I had m anaged to aban don my true s ources of streng th when I mos t needed them. Bit by bit, without even noticing, I had cut mys elf off from all that no urish es and s us tains me. My sources of strength include morning meditation, prayer, God, my family, my friends, the gymnasium, a healthy diet, and evening meditation. Well, my healthy diet collapsed immediately. Night after night I dined alone in my car driving to the clinic, eating vegetab les (chips, actually!) , fruit and n uts (chocolate bars!) ,and drink ing diet s odas . My morning meditation, which usually lasts an hour, somehow became 15, 10, 5 minutes long. Prayers were said on the run. Friends unders tood why I didn't call back. Completely exhaus ted, I "vegg ed ou t" o n videos . The idea of visiting the g ym exhausted me even more. And I usually only remembered my evening meditation the morning after! "Time is the problem," I kept telling myself. The reason I had no time, however, was that I'd strayed from my sources of st rength. There's nev er enough time if you have n o energy. How ironic, then, that when I mos t needed my s ources of st rength, I completely des erted th em. I remember promising mys elf const antly th at o nce my mother was b etter, only then would I start meditating, exercising, talking to God, and eating healthily again. I was in a rut, and . . . the strange thing about a rut is that you never consciously fall into one!
I bet you've never thou ght to yourself , Here is a rut, I'll fall into th is one, or That looks lik e a nice rut, I 'll give it a go. No! The ps ych ology of ruts is more subtle and decept ive than that. Ruts are periods of Self-decep tion. They can last a week, a month , or several years. They are the tim es when yo u forget to be true to yours elf and to what mos t st rengthens and supports you. The ques tion is, are you clear about what yo ur greatest so urces o f strengt h are? Can you name them immediately? Or do you need time tources t hink? occurred to maybe yo u that maybe y ou're becaus unhappeyyou're or unwell e you're not clear what yourmore greates t so ofHas trueits ever trength are? Or yo u're suffering beingbecaus egotistical in trying to rely solely on your own strength? What ever your s ources of true st rength, I guarantee yo u that , like me, you'll be tempted to ab ando n them the next time you're st ress ed and unhap py. It is indeed a great irony th at when we're und er press ure or in pain, we move away from, rather than to ward, our so urces o f strengt h. Jus t like the biblical story of Peter and Jes us , when Peter distan ced himself from Jesus three times . . . we do exactly the s ame with o ur own s ources of st rength when we're in crisis. Some s trengths —particularly external ones like friends and family—come and go, live an d d ie, for s uch is th e natu re of life in this world. The eternal sp irit of you r uncon ditioned Self is, however, always st rong an d true. You could s ay, then, that . . . happines s is remembering not to lose spirit.
Beneath the pain that feels so very real, your s pirit is st ill at play, bliss fully free and unaffected by the d ramas of the world. Stay close, surrender , be o en, and let the strength and s irit of your uncondi tioned Self guide you, ins ire you,
and heal you.
Do Not Control Your Own Healing Be respo nsib le: give up co ntro l! The following s tory offers an excellent illus tration of the d angers of trying to control you r own healing p rocess . There once was a man who was trapped on th e roof of his hou se while dangerous flood waters were rising u p all around him. Clinging to the chimney, he feared for his life. Never before had he felt such a desire to live. He called for help, "Dear God, I want to live. Please help!" Instantly God replied, "I will help you, my Son." Shortly thereafter , a neighbo r came by in a canoe: " Hop in old bo y!" cried the neighbor. "Than ks any way, but God is on His way," cried the man. Time pas sed , and the flood waters st ill continued to rise. A complete s tranger pas sed by in a motorbo at, and this good Samaritan offered t he man a lift. "Than ks any way, but God is on His way!" cried th e man. Soon t he man was s tanding on t op o f his chimney, the waters s till rising. Out of nowhere, a heli copter arrived with a rope. "Than ks any way, but God is on His way!" cried th e man. The man eventu ally d rowned. Before entering Heaven he angrily co nfronted God, "W hy didn't You help me?" h e cried. "I would have thou ght that You o f all people would hav e kept Your word!" "Well, I tried," said God, "I came in a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter, but each time you turned me away." The man in this s tory is a s ymbol of the ego , which always wants t o be in cont rol of everything, incl uding its o wn demise. The man asked for h elp, but h e didn't receive. Three offer s of help were made, but three times the man gave up his chance for s afety becaus e he h ad already determ ined in his mind what his res cue s hould look like. The willingnes s t o accept h ealing requires yo u to give up all temptation to control what you t hink your healing " mus t," "ou ght," and " sh ould" look like. The bot tom line is . . . you cannot control your own heali ng.
The temptation to p lay doctor and con trol your own heal ing can inhibit ess ential healing agen cies su ch as trust , openn essthat , suoften rrender, sp ontan eoustance availability, pos sibility thinking, an d relaxation. Control bywhen fear, and it is fear prevent s accep and willingnes s. Hence, healing happens when youisgoften ive upmotivated control, not you keep cont rol. Everything an d any thing can help you to h eal once you 're willing to accep t healing unco nditionally. Give up y our prejudices , therefore. Listen with an open mind to every offer of help that co mes y our way. Don't d iscount solutions before yo u try th em. Antidep ress ants h ave their place. Complementary medicine can work. Couns eling an d ps ychoth erapy have value. The do ctor may list en to you more than yo u think. Forgiveness may be t he ans wer. Willingnes s is like th e electricity that makes all your h ous e ho ld appliances work. Wi thou t electricity, you r new ph one, your 42-function washing machine, your super-duper computer, and your 200-channel TV set are all useless. Similarly, without willingness, no healing treatment will work. Hence, the willingness to accept healing for yourself must come first. After willingnes s, any thing and everything can work, especial ly if you give up control of the proces s.
Staying O pen for Miracles This is an ancient s tory from India: One day a prince was o ut hu nting when he was s hot in the heart by an arrow so aked in poiso n. The arrow appeared t o co me out of nowhere. Phys icians arrived immediately, but before th ey co uld begin t o administer th eir medicines , the p rince ordered, " First, tell me what th e po ison is on this arrow." After the po ison was identified, the phys icians were about to beg in their treatment when th e prince ordered, "First, tell me what type of material this arrow is made of." After he was told, he then demanded to know who might have made the arrow . All the while, the po ison o n th e arrow tip was sp reading t hrough the p rince's b ody. The prince began to weaken, but s o enraged was he at b eing s hot that he s aid to his doctors, "Bef ore you begin, I mus t first know who s hot me. You must bring him to me so that I can as k him who he was sen t by." The p rince then requested that his spiritual advisor be called. "I need to know why this has happened," he demanded. Eventually, the prince died with the arrow still in his heart. In this s tory, the p rince is a s ymbol of the ego. He's not ready or willing to accept healing. First , he wants t o un derstan d everything, and then he will let his p hys icians heal him. His st ubb orn insistence o n und erstand ing everything is even tually what kills him. It's a common mist ake to think that heali ng requires un derstan ding. It does not. W hile unders tanding can certainly be helpful, it is not a neces sary prerequisite for heal ing. All too often th e healing p rocess is blocked, del ayed, and complicated by an insist ence (by bo th client and couns elor) to get to th e root of all unders tanding first . Too much analysis, diss ection, breakdown, separation, and logic can cl os e you d own rather than open y ou up . Thus . . .
being open to healing is more important than trying to understand healing. This is true for both client and therapist. When I first became interested in healing, I traveled to meet with many of the world's greatest healers. Over and over, I would ask them how healing works, and invariably they taught me that trying to understand logically how healing works can often block it. The key, they said, is to get your ego out of the way. Your job, then, is simply to be open to the miracle of healing. First, be open, and then you'll understand. Healing is all about miracles—that is, seeing things differently. If you're unhappy or unwell, you're being asked to give up your current frame of mind so as to picture things differently. Healing is about giving up the thinking that led you to feeling unhappy or unwell; and being open to seeing differently, thinking differently, believing differently, expressing yourself differently, and acting differently. One of the most important principles of healing at The Happiness Project is the idea that . . . there's no such thing as a "negative emotion."
As long as you believe that something is "negative"—such as anger, jealousy, unhappiness, depression, and other "negative emotions"— you will not gain anything positive or helpful from these experiences. To heal, you must be open to dropping your prejudices, your conditioning, and your judgments so as to see the Light. Being open to miracles means being open to everything, including your pain, your fear, and your guilt. When you're truly open and unconditional, you see that nothing is implicitly "bad," "wrong," or "negative." Everything, handled in a healthy way, can contribute to the value and enrichment of your own life. Remember Joanna, the 21-year-old woman suffering from depression whom I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter? Well, after about three months of seeing her, I gave her an assignment for homework, which was: "What is the wisest thing you've ever learned while handling your emotions?" Her answer was quite beautiful. It read: I have never, ever had time for my emotions before now. I used to think emotio ns are a tota l weak ness. The truth probably is I've bee n too scared to look at them. But the thing I have learned m ost rece ntly is that perhaps my feelings aren't out to get me! Feelings are not punishments. Feelings are information. It is as if every feelin g I have is tryin g to tell me someth ing . I never thought I'd believe this, bu t I actually feel grateful for my dep ression. My depressio n has been a gift. I am ready to build a new life now. Joanna is thrilled to know that her words are included in this b ook. We've talked togeth er many t imes about the " gift" of her depress ion. We both u nderst and th at, in truth, depres sion isn 't the real gift; the real gift is Jo anna's co urage to face her depress ion openly, with ho nes ty and love. Her willingness to heal ensu red that con demnation and fear eventually gave way to open nes s an d forgiveness . A miracle had occurred.
Commit to Happiness NOW! Don't wait un til all your u nhapp iness is ov er before you co mmit to hap piness . Commit to hap piness now! There's no better time to commit to hap piness than when you 're unh appy. Committing t o hap piness is, however, the very last thing y ou feel like doing when yo u're down to you r last nerve, your mus cles are set rigi d, and y our head is auditioning for a part in High An xiety! Nevertheless . . . unhappines s undoes its elf when you commit to happines s "now."
If, right now, you feel unhap py, I encourage you to p ray out loud, "I commit to hap piness ." If, right now, you'r e experiencing conflict, affirm, "I commit to p eace." If, right n ow, you feel depres sed, s ing " I commit to joy." If, right now, you 're experiencing resentment, s tate, "I commit to freedom." If, right now, you feel grief, declare, "I commit to h ealing." If, right now, you're experiencing anger, assert, "I commit to love." I'm not as king y ou to deny that y ou feel unhapp y. Pretending not t o feel what yo u're feeling isn 't hones t, truthful, or helpful. What I'm su gges ting is that you feel what you feel and choose to commit to happi ness .9 It is y our commitment to freedom that will unlock the prison door. So: When in fear, feel fear, and commit to love.
When in t ears, cry tears, and co mmit to h ealin g. When u nhap py, hon or it, and commit to joy. When in conflict, own it, and commit to peace. When in pain , express it, and commit to freedom. When a ngry, feel it, a nd co mmit to harmony. When resentful, be hon est, and commit to forgiveness. When hu rting , nurse yourself, and co mmit to l augh ter. When do wn-and-ou t, rest up, and commit to success.
When you've committed to happiness, what then? The answer is: nothing. Perhaps the hardest lesson for us to
learn in our own healing is that . . . there's nothing for you to do, other than to accept healing for yourself.
Healing isn't a task. It's not work. Remember, healing does not require labor, suffering, struggle, or any other great effort; it merely requires your willingness. Believe, above all, that your willingness is enough. Follow your willingness, let your willingness bless you, and allow your willingnes s t o bring healing to you .
Love Is the Answer Judgment is the source of all sorrow. Depression is a call for love. Fear is a call for love. Anger is a call for love. Grief is a call for love. Jealous y is a call for love. Guilt is a call for love. All unhappiness is a call for love.10 This becomes clear the moment you're willing to stop judging y ours elf and you r unhappines s. Healing is all abo ut a decision eith er to . . .
love or judge? Unhappiness is energy plus judgment. Can you s ee that all unh appiness st ems from a judgment of "th is is bad" and "th is is wrong"? Nothing, in itself , can make you un happy, but th e belief that what yo u're witness ing mus t be " bad" and "wrong" will certainly enco urage grief. Redund ancy, for instance, need not b e "bad " or " wrong ," but if you insist it mus t be s o, then you'll suffer great unhap pines s. Look at yo ur judgments !
There once was a man who never once lost his smile. One day he was fired from his job. "This is bad news," said his colleagues. The man smiled. "It is," he said. Within a week he found a job that paid double his previous wage. "This is good news," said his friends. The man smiled. "It is," he said. On the first day of his new job, the man who never once lost his smile spoke up to disagree with his new boss. "This is bad news," said his new colleagues. The man smiled. "It is," he said. The next day, his new boss commended the man for being honest and forthright with his opinions. "This is good news," said his colleagues. The man smiled. "It is," he said. A month later, the man who never once lost his smile was badly injured in a terrible car crash. He was hospitalized for six months as a result. "What bad news," his friends said. "It is," the man said, still managing to smile. He received a five-figure settlement for his injury. "What great news," his friends said. The man smiled. "It is," he said. A year later, the man who never once lost his smile lost all his money as the stock exchange collapsed. "Bad luck," said his friends. "It is," the man said, and still he smiled. Soon after, he was laid off from his job. "Bad times," commiserated his friends. "It is," said the man, who had now lost everything except his smile. His friends, amazed that the man was still able to smile, asked, "How can you still smile when things are so 'bad'?" The man replied, "I see nothing as 'bad.'" His friends countered, "But when we commiserate and say 'Too bad' you say 'It is,' you agree." "No," said the man. "When you say 'bad' or 'good. 'I simply say 'It is,' and in doing so I'm practicing acc eptance and freedom from judgment. It's because I don't get c aught up in judgment
that I can always afford to keep my smile." The problem with judgment is th at th ere is no is! Nothing is becau se everyt hing has to be "good " or "bad" an d "right " or "wrong." In oth er words , there is no accep tance. Everything you see you judge. Seeing is judgment. Thinking is judgment. You s ee not hing as it is; you on ly see your judgment of it. It is this lack of accep tance and o pennes s that causes you s o much pain. Judgment isn't natural; it' s learned. Judg ment is an attribute of the ego , and the ego is always on guard, ready to dispense its judgments. While you continue to judge, there's no acceptance, no peace, and no rest. Because you were once afraid, you taug ht y ours elf to judge, b ut n ow you find t hat judgment on ly increases fear. Similarly, becaus e you once lacked trus t, you taug ht yo urself to judge, bu t now you find that judgment dim inish es an y chance of trus t. If you judge s omething as "bad ," you must inevitably feel "bad ." If you judge s omething as "go od," yo u will feel "good." This is solid emotional mathematics. True freedom, however, comes from the willingness to give up judgment for love. This is particularly true when it com es to y our judgments ab out emotions . When you're willing to g ive up judging your emotions , you're left with acceptance; and when you h ave acceptan ce, you also hav e love. Can you see th at:
Fear, witho ut judgment, is love. Anger, withou t judgment, is love. Guilt, without judgment, is love. Depressio n, with out judgment, is love. Jealousy, withou t judgment, is love. Hate, withou t judgment, is love. Anxiety, witho ut judg ment, is love. Sadness, without judgment, is love. Pain, withou t judgment, is love. Love, withou t judgment, is love. Wisd om isn 't judgment; wisd om is the relinqu ishment of judgment. C an you see t hat whenever yo u judge any one o r anything, you are the one who exper iences th e effect of the judgm ent? This is what is meant by the s aying "Judge not that ye may not b e judged." You may be ang ry at yo ur mother, but it is your nervous sy st em that feels the an ger. You may be ups et at you r partner, but it is you r mind that is unsettled. Judgment condemns and punishes everyone, including "ye" who judges. Giving upyou judgment is on ly difficult becaus e can yo unot s tilland believe th atgive judgment will soInmehow give y ou judgment, must first realize that judgment will not yo u peace. other words . . . peace. To give up judgment won't make you safe; it will only make you afraid.
Second, to give up judgment, you only have to understand that you don't know enough about anything to make an accurate judgm ent. In ot her words, all your judgments are half-baked opinions and n ot whole truths . In the manual of A Course in Miracles, there are so me wonderful words that read: It is n ecess ary for the teacher of God to realize, not that h e sh ould not judge, bu t that h e cannot . In giving up judgment, he is merely giving u p what he d id not have. He gives up an illusion ; or better, he has an illusion of giving up. He has actually merely become more honest. Recognizing that judgment was always impossible for him, he no longer attempts it. This is n o s acrifice. On the con trary, he pu ts himself in a p os ition where judgment t hrough him rather than by him can occu r. And this judgment is neither "goo d" n or "bad ." It is the o nly judgment th ere is, and it is only one: "G od's Son is guiltless , and sin does not exist." Third, in order to give up judgment, you can b egin by no t judging you rself for your judgments! I was recently interviewed for a magazine in which I was as ked, "Are yo u judgmental?" The most hones t reply I cou ld give was, "I am as judgmental as I have ever been. However, I've learned n ot to judge mys elf for my judgments. I've also learned to t ake my judgments less seriously. Mos t judgments are fears, and I'm determined no t to live my life by fear." Finally, judgment and love are opposites. By making a commitment to love and by cultivating a more loving outlook, judgment will automatically fall away. Love begets love; judg ment b eget s judgment. The trut h is . . . you cannot judge and love!
The experience of yo ur entire life boils do wn, then, to a simple decision: Do yo u love, or do you judge? Wh ich do y ou value the mos t? You s o hoped that judgment would give you st rength and p eace, but there is n o st rength and p eace in a mind that cons tantly judges . Love is st rong. It is s trong b ecaus e it is free of fear and judg ment. Love will give you all the peace y ou long for.
CHAPTER 7 Lots of Love! Where there is love, pain breat hes, tears smile, hurt softens, guilt l oses its edge, judgment forgets to judge, f ear is no longer afraid, separation is over. Where there is love, you are there. One day a youn g boy who had wandered away fr om the crowd came across an old yogi dress ed in gold, who was d ancing and laughing all by him self in the middle of an open field. It was raining. There was n o music and there were no oth er people, but s till the yog i danced for joy . The eccentric-looking yogi trans fixed th e you ng b oy. After a w hile, the boy s houted o ut, "Why do yo u dance alone?" Withou t miss ing a st ep, the yo gi replied, "What makes y ou th ink I'm alone?!" The yog i continued to dance and laugh. The young boy s oon joine d in. The wise mys tics of old co ntinually referred to this world as a place of illusion. They also said th at th e greates t illusion of all is t hat yo u and I appear to be t otally s eparate from each oth er. This s ens e of separation increases an d heightens each time you're afraid, hurt, unhappy, or in pain. If, however, you have truly loved, for only a single moment even, then you too have felt the allencompassing sense of wholeness and oneness of love that defies the information of your phy sical sens es. Love is b igger than anyt hing. It's b igger than you r body, your mind, your self, your fear s, yo ur guilt, your ego , and you r loneliness . Love is un ion. When yo u love, you join, you co nnect, and y ou feel as one. Wi th true love there's no sep aration, no little "me" o r little "yo u," no more than or less than, no distan ce, no lack, no limits. Love is wholeness and love is healing, for . . . happiness starts with love, and sadness ends with love.
Love is also bigger than romance! Therefore, the love I sp eak of isn 't reserved for one s pecial perso n and denied to all the rest . This isn't true love. True l ove is t he intention to make love th e bas is of not only you r marriage, but also all your friendsh ips, you r work, and ev erything else in yo ur life. Love is precious, no t becau se it exists between two peo ple, but becau se it is a p art of all of us .
Love Is Heaven! Fear is hell! Picture the following scenario:
I'm in a hos pital in t he middle of England. It's late afternoon. I've just finished facilitating a one-day worksh op on the connection between health and happiness to senior doctors, nurses, occupational therapists, and administrators at the hos pital. I've s aid my g ood-by es and am now walking throug h a series o f very long, d ark, empty, cold corridors , searching des perately for "E xit" s igns as I go. I'm lost.
As I enter anoth er long corridor, I see s omeone u p ahead walking t oward me. It is then that I embark upon a distinctly sch izophrenic con versation in my o wn mind:
Voice 1: "Here comes so meone." Voice 2: "It's a s tranger." Voice 1: "I'll ask him for directions ." Voice 2: "You don't kno w him." Voice 1: "I'm lost—I need help." Voice 2: "No, you d on't. Keep quiet." Voice 1: "I'll say 'Hello.'"
Voice 2: "Are you mad?" Brief pause.
Voice 1: "He looks friendly enou gh." Voice 2: "He's wearing a white coat—h e's probab ly a doctor."
Voice 1: "Good. I'll ask for directions."
Voice 2: "It's un profess ional to as k for directions." Voice 1: "No, it isn't." Voice 2: "Keep you r head down, and av oid eye cont act. Make it look like you're not los t." Voice 1: "Asking for help will save time." Voice 2: "You are mad." Brief pause. Voice 1: "I'll smile, say 'Hello,' and ask for directions." Voice 2: "He'll think you're a patient." Voice 1: "No, he won't." Voice 2: "He doesn't look friendly." Voice 1: "I'll be friendly, and th en he will be, too ." Voice 2: "You have no idea what you 're talking about ."
Is th is madnes s, I wonder? I think so ! And I invite you to laugh at my madness , for laugh ter is t he mos t healthy respo ns e to this n ons ens e. However, before you sign any p etitions to have my license to p ractice revoked, look at your own thinking for a moment and check to s ee if you h aven't already had an inner dialogue li ke this t oday. I do mean "today."
Voice 1 is t he "voice of love" ; Voice 2 is the "voice of fear." The voice of love is natural, innocent, wholly present, and uncon ditional. This voice is, according to the vo ice of fear, too friendly, too t rusting, too loving, too open, to o naive, too optimistic, and too happy. In every s ituation, no matter how m undan e or ins ignificant, yo ur fear will always t ry to talk you out of love.
In any given moment o f your life, you're either m oving clos er to h eaven or closer to hell. In oth er words, you 're either being loving or fearful. Love is heav en; fear is hell. When y ou're truly loving, yo u feel like heav en, but when you're afraid and cynical, you feel hellish.
In h.e.a.v.e.n. all the letters s tand toget her: Happines s next t o Eternity; Abund ance,Vision, and Ease joined to Now, as o ne. In h.e.l.l. all the letters stand alone: the Horrific Effect of not enough Love and Laughter, waiting to be undone.
Love and fear are more than mere emotions . They are two distinct fram es of mind, two cont rasting p hilos ophies, t wo oppo site intentions , each capable of creating a worl d of experience bo th en tirely separate from one anoth er. Love an d fear are two different s tories. Every day you walk out of th e front doo r of your ho me, either into a world of love o r a world of fear, depending o n which sto ry you mos t believe in. You ch oos e the s tory.
At The Happiness Project, I often qu ote a pas sag e from A Course in Miracles, which reads :
"Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is becaus e you have re acted with a l ack of love to one of God's creations."
When we love, all is well. When we u se fear to get love, we end up feeling lonely, abando ned, gu ilty, cut off, and afraid. Where th ere once was love, there is now fear , has tily bu ilt defens es, walls of projection, a des ire for abs olute independen ce, a need for tight con trol, a lack of trust , paranoia, a fear of i ntimacy, and a fear of rejecti on. W hen you go with fear, love is no long er realistic, heaven is a myth, and happines s is bu t a d ream.
Fear preys, Love prays! All the while, fear shout s, " Look out!" Love s ings, " Look within." Fear scream s, " Clos e you r heart and be safe." L ove asks, "Ke e your hear t o en and be strong." Fea r says, "T ake what you can." L ove says , "Give
what you want." Fear wants you to "defend yourself." Love wants you to "stay open." Fear advises, "Be afraid!" Love advises , "Be loving!" Fear preys , "Love is weak." Love prays , "Love is God." Love and fear each have a different o pinion about everything and everyone.
Let Love Be Your God If you d edicate your life to lo ve, you wi ll be hap py. My father d ied when I was 25 years old. Whenev er anyon e you love dies, it can chan ge yo ur life forever. It was a dark night. No moon. Heavy clouds. Horizontal rain was lashing against the windshield of my car. I'd driven nearly 200 miles, and it must h ave been nearly midnight by the t ime I reached the hos pital. My b rother, David, was already there, and h e was the first to t ell me that our father had died. He put his arms around me and said, "Dad's d ead. He's in peace now. There's noth ing left for us t o do here. Let's go home." As we drove away, I remember feeling both sad nes s and joy. The sad nes s was for me, for I would nev er see my father in his ph ys ical body ever again. The joy was for m y father. I so mehow hop ed th at death would be a fresh s tart for him. My father had left our home when I was 15 year s old in pursu it of alcoholism. For years he lived roug h on the s treets, in hedges, under Waterloo Bridge. David and I worked half of any week to try to get him proper care. To me, my father was never an alcoholic, thou gh; he was a warm, loving, beautiful man who had simply lost hope. Back at ho me that night after my father's death, David, my mother, and I talked long into the early hours of the morning. We had to because d eath feels so un real . I think I'm sp eaking for mos t peop le when I s ay th at when s omebod y dies y ou jus t do n't get it! For days, week s, and months after my father's death, we still kept expecting him to walk into the room at any moment just like before. Until the act ual funeral, death feels completely unreal; after the funeral, death jus t feels very unreal! David and Mum finally went to b ed. I stay ed up . My mind was wide awake. Over and over I kept on thinking jus t on e thought— What's real? In my mind I s urveyed the world for s omething real, something reli able, something everlasting that does n't die. Like a mantra, I kept o n as king "W hat's real?" I got my an swer pretty much right away, but I didn't take it seriously until I realized it wouldn't go away. Every time I asked "What's real?" the answer was . . . "Love is real!"
It was shortly after my father’s funeral that, for the first time ever, I consciously dedicated my life to love. I wanted to do this so that I could live my life as a mark of respect for my father, and to everyone else I’ve known who has died. I was grieving, and deep down I wanted there to be a point to it all. Again and again, the only thing that felt at all real about life and death . . . was love. I realized that love inspires everything that is whole, that love animates life, and that, even after death, only love remains. It took my father’s death to show me that we live for love, and that . . . love is the whole point of everything! Each of us is so impressive, so attractive, and so inspirational when we dare to open our hearts to love. It’s as if we radiate when we love. Think of a time when you’ve been truly loving. Bring those feelings forward to now. Can you remember how you walked, how you talked, and how you held yourself? Do you remember the light in your eyes, and the light in other people’s eyes? And do you remember how much energy you had? Generous, creative, abundant, open, defenseless—the whole world was aroused by you!
It’s as if you fulfill the purpose of your being each time you choose love. What higher purpose to life is there other than love? Can you think of a better reason to be alive other than love? Invent other reasons if you will, such as victory, fame, wealth, success . . . happiness even . . . but can you see how these lesser gods are but a pale reflection, a mere consolation prize, for the only real god, which is love? There were many times, soon after my father’s death, when I felt like giving up on love. It felt so tempting to give in, to give up, to become cynical, to cut off, and to even die. Cynicism was my protest march. Love was my acceptance speech. Daily, I began to call upon the power of love to inspire and guide me—with clients, seminars, talks, telephone calls, meetings, fun, play, family, rest—everything. Love’s power is unconditional—it is unconditionally wise and unconditionally available. People sometimes forget that they can pray to Love for help, strength, guidance, and surrender. In my workshops, I often share one of my prayers called “Let Love Be Your God.” It reads simply: Love, and let Love be your God.
Pray to Love. Worship Love. Sing to Love. Meditate on Love. Walk with Love. Talk with Love. Look with Love. Listen with Love. Dedicate your Life to Love. Dedicate your Relationships to Love. Dedicate your Work to Lov e. Love, and let Love be your God.
Love and Be Happy! To be happy, love must mean more to you than anything.
I was once reliably informed by a client of mine that the only place where happiness comes before love is in the English dictionary! In real life, love comes first. Happiness is an attribute of love. One might even say that love is happiness. If your current plan for happiness doesn’t put love first, don’t think for a second that you’ll be truly happy. To be happy you can’t get around love; you can only go through it. The fundamental principle upon w hich I base my entire life and work is very simple. It is: Love and be happy. These four words are my Bible of Happiness. I honestly believe that these words, plus the willingness to live by them, are enough to help build a life of unimaginable joy, healing, intimacy, wholeness, and creativity. Love is the material that happiness is made from. Thus . . . your intention to love, no matter what, is the absolute key to happiness.
Think about it. Try, if you can, to hate someone and be happy. Try to resent somebody and be joyous. Try to be angry at someone and be peaceful. Try to judge someone and feel free. Try to control someone and not feel controlled. Try to be fully independent and intimate. Try to cheat somebody and feel safe. It can’t happen, because what you do to another you’re doing to yourself. Love works! Fear begets Make no mistake can only offer itself to you. we try tobut convince ourselves that fear. “the means justifies theabout ends”this. and Fear that “the destination w ill make upSo foroften the journey,” we know this isn’t true. The destination is the journey, and fear cannot lead you to love. Fear leads to fear. Similarly, guilt leads to guilt, judgment leads to judgment, and punishment leads to punishment. Love, on the other hand, leads to love. And love also leads to happiness. Affirm, therefore, your intention to love. Make it your prayer, your mantra, your meditation, your morning ritual, and your evening ritual. Put love first—above everything. You’ll find that as you strengthen your intention to love, so automatically will the temptation weaken to replace love with lesser gods like control and fear. If you’re prepared to s tick with love long enough, you’ll disc over for yourself that . . . love is the key to real abundance.
First, love! Love and enjoy everything! If you’re waiting to be happy before you start being loving, then you’ll find that you’re in for a very long wait. Similarly, if you’re waiting to be successful before you’re truly loving and generous, then you’ll be greatly disappointed and frustrated. There’s no such thing as happiness without love first, success without love first, health without love first, peace of mind without love first, or freedom without love first. First, love!
Love, And you will enjoy abundance; Love, And you will enjoy success. Love, And you will enjoy peace; Love, And you will enjoy happiness. Love, Place love above everything. Love, And you will enjoy everything. Love is your best bet for happiness. That being the case, I’m often asked, “How do I know if I’m being truly loving or not?” Well, one acid test for checking to see if you’re being true to love is—if you’re being genuinely loving, you’ll feel happy. Conversely . . . if you’re not happy, you’ll know that you’re not being loving.
Love and be happy is the key. Therefore, to say that love is your best bet for happiness is not strictly true. The whole truth must be that love is your only bet for happiness. Happiness cannot ever happen without love.
Love Never Leaves You “You are never not full of love.” Your unconditioned Self is always loving, unlike your ego, which has learned to always be afraid. Like happiness, love is natural to you. It is constant. Certainly, there are times in life when love can appear to be overwhelmed by fear and hurt—for all the world it can feel like love is lost—but in truth, love doesn’t die, love doesn’t fade, love doesn’t change. Love is forever. Love is never destroyed; it is only eclipsed. Love is the essence of your unconditioned Self, and love doesn’t leave its source. Love never leaves you. If you were to take away your possessions, your history, your wealth, your conditioning, your pain, and your glory, you’d be left with nothing—nothing but love. Love remains. Love is the inner god of your unconditioned Self. Table D gives you two profiles, one for your loving unconditioned Self, the other for your fearful conditioned self.
Table D By dedicating your life to love, you’re attempting to change your mind about yourself. In truth, you’re full of love, yet you’ve learned to believe that there’s little or no love within you. The moment you scared yourself into thinking that love was outside you and not within was the moment your ego made love special, limited, scarce, weak, rare, and, above all, elusive. Loving relationships are born of Self-acceptance—that is: (1) “I accept that I have love to give”; (2) “I accept the love of others”; and (3) “I ac cept that love lives w ithin.” Without Self-acc eptance, truly loving relationships are impossible. Peace, joy, and union with others happens only as you heal the conflict in your own mind. Selfacceptance is essential, therefore, because . . . you cannot be loving and guilty!
The greatest contribution you can make to any relationship is to love and accept yourself. For as long as you insist on believing that deep down you’re unworthy of love and not good enough, all of your loving relationships will eventually deteriorate into a fearful contract of needs. Thus, you’ll find that you constantly have to change your friends and your lovers in order to give love another go. Relationships are the experience of personal beliefs projected. In other words, you get the relationship you think you deserve. If, for instance, you judge that you’re worthy of a little bit of love, you’ll experience relationships that have only a little bit of love. If, however, you judge that you’re entirely worthy of love, you’ll experience relationships where love continually renews itself. If you’re willing, even just a little bit, to entertain the possibility that you are whole, worthy, and well, you allow for the possibility of experiencing wholeness and joy in each of your relationships. As your belief in your own wholeness strengthens, so too will your experience of whole, healthy, loving relationships strengthen. In other words, by giving up guilt, you make yourself more available to love. The Law of Projection insists that . . . what you believe about yourself you will project onto your relationships .
Therefore, if you judge yourself to be “not good enough,” you’ll always find, eventually, that your partner and your friends are “not as good as you first hoped.” Also, as long as you believe that something is missing in you, you’ll experience something missing in your relationships. Similarly, if you judge yourself as “bad,” “wrong,” or “nothing,” then your relationships will turn sour, go wrong, and amount to nothing, unless, that is, you’re prepared to change your mind about yourself. The love that inspires a relationship never leaves, but it can be overlooked. There is never “no love,” but there’s often pain, conflict, separation, abuse, anger, and a need for revenge that can appear to eclipse love’s presence. If you’re experiencing any pain in your relationships, the key to healing and happiness is to realize that . . . the source of the problem isn’t the relationship; it is projection.
Unfortunately, none of us can keep our damning self-judgments and guilt to ourselves. We always attract people (consciously and unconsciously) into our lives who we can share (that is, project onto) our suffering and conflict with. When the pain and abuse is too much, you’re not bound to stick around in a relationship, but it is a good idea to address why you might attract such abuse. This is vital for the health of all your relationships now and in the future. It’s always tempting to lay blame for all your relationship problems on “the other person.” If healing, and not revenge, is your true intention, then you’ll want to ask yourself: (1) What have I projected onto this situation? (2) What is m art in this conflict? (3) Wh have I attracted this erson into m life? and (4) What can I do to be
loving here and now? Blame is dishonest—no one is completely responsible for your pain. When a relationship appears to be full of pain, it’s because your relationship is full of projections. Sometimes we’re scared to take responsibility for our projections because we fear . . . “If I take more responsibility, I’ll feel more guilty.” You take responsibility for your part, not to step into more guilt, but to take the first step into undoing your guilt. Honesty isn’t about condemnation; it’s about a willingness to be free, loving, and true. By being honest about your fears, your projections, and “your part” in any conflict, you instantly create a possibility for more honest, loving relationships. In your quest for happiness, you can never escape the fact that you can only love another person as much as you’re willing to love yourself. There’s no way around this. To be even more blatant, I could say that unless you’re willing to be loving to yourself, you can’t be loving. So many relationships run into trouble because we expect our partners and our friends to give us something we’re not willing to give ourselves—that is, love and acceptance. The fact is, however, that . . . no one can love you more than you’re prepared to love yourself and get away with it!
The bottom line is that you won’t let anyone love you if you’re not willing to love you. When anyone turns up in your life wanting to love you more than you love yourself, you may very well be amused and excited at first, but your lack of Self-acceptance will eventually try to talk you out of love. Too much love and not enough Selfacceptance leads to too much guilt. Eventually, you must either change your mind about yourself (that is, drop the guilt), or you must change the personnel. You will also find thatwhen people do love you, you won’t allow yourself to see it unless you love you! Have you ever been in a situation where your partner or a friend showers you with bouquets of “I love you,” “You’re wonderful,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re amazing,” and all the while you’re thinking, He/she doesn’t really love me? Or maybe you’ve experienced it the other way around, where no matter how much you tried to love someone, this person w ouldn’t or couldn’t let you do so. Projection is powerful. Whenever you’re upset because you judge that your partner or friends don’t love you enough, you can be sure that what you’re really witnessing is the projection of your own reluctance to love yourself enough. Similarly, if you feel that you’re not getting enough recognition from someone, you’re really witnessing the projection of you not giving enough recognition to yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you’re able to recognize how loved you are. It’s uncanny, but completely true, how over and over again, you find that . . . people will treat you the way you treat you.
What you do to yourself, others will do to you, also. In other words, no one can do anything to you that you aren’t already doing to yourself. Similarly, no one c an make you f eel anything you don’t c hoose to feel yourself. There’s absolutely no way around this. Your relationships mirror your judgments.Hence, you’ll find that if you reject yourself, others will, too; if you condemn yourself, others will, too; if you distance yourself, others will, too; if you judge yourself, others will, too; and if you overlook and undervalue yourself, others will, too. Projection is the Law of “Others Will, Too.” If you want peace, first make peace with yourself; if you want love, first practice love on yourself; if you want kindness, first be gentle on yourself; if you want acknowledgment, first pay respect to yourself; and if you want faithfulness, first be true to yourself. Put another way: Love th yself, so tha t you can love another. Love th yself, so tha t you cannot project fear. Love th yself, so as to let others lo ve you . Love th yself, so as to let people near.
The gift of relationships is that together we can encourage each another to believe once more in our innate wholeness. Although no one can make you happy, everyone can encourage you to be happy. The intention to love can work miracles. Through relationships we learn to practice forgiveness—that is, we make the choice for wholeness. As we forgive ourselves and one another for our fears and doubts, we strengthen our resolve to trust once more in the love that created us. Unless you can accept your wholeness, all your loving relationships will become needy relationships. All pain in relationships has something to do with perceptions of personal lack—that is, needs. Without Self-acceptance, you’ll always end up resenting and abusing any person you expect to meet your needs. This is true whether they meet these needs or not. Wholeness has no needs. With wholeness, relationships are joyful, not needy. By being willing to love yourself, to accept your own wholeness, you open yourself up to an entirely different experience of loving relationships.
Love Has Never Hurt You
My wedding to my first wife, Miranda, was a truly happy occasion. We were married in my grandmother’s English country garden, with acres of rich, green grass rolling down to a beautiful river below. We were blessed and honored to have Edward Carpenter, now ex-Dean of Westminster, and his wife, Lillian Carpenter, begin our wedding ceremony. What followed was a profusion of Bach, harp, prayer, flowers, friendship, and champagne. The whole event was a celebration of love—universal love. There are so many wonderful memories of that day, but one very amusing one that we often recall happened during the receiving line, when the guests lined up to give us their congratulations. One by one, we received well wishes plus advice such as: “Enjoy today—it doesn’t get better than this,” and “Make the most of this—this is as good as it gets.” Other “words of wisdom” included: • “It takes more than love, you know.” • “Enjoy love while you’re young.” • “You can’t just rely on love—you have to work at it, too.” • “You’re young, and I know you think love lasts forever, but . . .” • “Love is hard.” • “Love is never easy.” • “Love isn’t without its pain.” • “The first year is the hardest. Survive that and you’ll be okay.” • “Remember, don’t live in each other’s pockets. Have lots of time apart.” • “You’ve done it—you’re trapped now!” • “Be realistic—it won’t always be this wonderful.” • “Don’t let love stop you from having fun!” Onitand it went. as if,there one by one, each person plucked a thought of fear ourof minds said out on loud. Now,Ittowas be fair, were a hundred timeshad more wonderful thoughts of out love,ofand hopeand for love! However, what we witnessed were two distinct attitudes to love—one very limited and fearful, the other very abundant and hopeful. Your ego can only judge anything, including love, as it judges itself. Thus, because the ego is a small idea about yourself, it sees love as limited. Conversely, your unconditioned Self, being completely whole, accepts that love is whole. Once again, the ego and the spirit have a completely different point of view, as shown in Table E.
Table E Perhaps the greatest misperception of love is that love hurts. 1 Of course, nothing could be further from the
truth. Any one thing can only give of itself, and in the case of love, love can only give love. What hurts isn’t love itself, but your misperceptions of love, your fear of love, your giving up on love, and, in particular, your resistance to love. In fact, it’s fair to say that . . . most of all, it is your resistance to love that hurts you so.
For our wedding service, we chose six readings, one of which is a famous passage by Emmett Fox. It reads:
There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer; no disease that enough love will not heal; no door that enough love will not open. It mak es no diff erence how deeply seated may be the trouble; how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake. A suf ficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough you would be the happiest and most powerful being in the world.2 The problem isn’t that love doesn’t work; the problem is that we don’t trust that love will work. When loving feels easily often on love soon. you for turn away difficult, from lovewe’re is when youdiscouraged, begin to feeland let we down by give love.up This, oncetoo again, is Ironically, projection. the Wemoment then search love substitutes, most of which lead to loss, pain, sacrifice, fear, and illusions of separateness. We’ve become too accustomed to looking at love through the limited, fearful eyes of the ego instead of through the wholly joyous vision of our unconditioned Self. It is important, therefore, that when you’re tempted to limit the power of love, or w hen you’re finding it difficult to love, you call for help from your unconditioned Self, from love itself, and from your God. One prayer I once wrote for myself is called “Consciousness of Love.” It reads:
Beloved Creator, Consciousness of Love. Open me up to the Love that I am. Let the Love that I am light up my relationship with You, with ________, with everyone. Let the Love that I am sing constant hymns of divinity to all of me, that I might remember You in everyone. Let the Love that I am relax me, inspire me, help me to be, that this world may enjoy the best of me. Let the Love that I am hold me, guide me, casting out fear, healing all pain, that I, the One and the many, may feel Your beloved peace once again. So be it. By being willing to heal your misperceptions and fears of love, you’re not only healing your relationship with love, but you’re also healing your relationship with yourself and with everyone else as well.
Always Communicate Your Love! Love is the most f un you can have with anyone. The following story serves as a reminder of how important it is to communicate from the heart at all times: A husband and wife, both in their late 70s, decided that, after 55 years of marriage, it was high time they got a divorce. When their counselor asked them why, the wife issued a catalog of reasons: “He never asks if I’m happy,” said the wife. “I assumed you were,” said the husband. “He never says he loves me,” said the wife. “I thought you knew I loved you,” said the husband. The wife continued, “He never says I’m beautiful.” The husband replied, “I look at you every day and admire your beauty.” “We rarely talk,” said the wife. “I know you like to read a lot,” said the husband. “I read because we don’t talk,” said the wife. There was a pause. “And we never go out,”she added. “I thought you liked to stay in,” said the husband. “I only stay in because I’m waiting to go out,” said the wife. The counselor continued to take notes. “He’s also very mean to me,” said the wife. “In what way?” asked the counselor.
“Well, at breakfast, three times a week for 55 years, he has always served me the crust of the loaf, and I hate the bread crust! ” The husband was distraught and wailed, “I give you the crust, my dear, because that is my favorite part of the loaf.” Did you know that the word “assume” can make an “ass” out of “u” and “me?” I once gave a workshop to a group of nurses at a Royal Hospital in the middle of England. The workshop was about the value of love and laughter in the healing process. The morning had been truly joyful, creative, and great fun. One hour after lunch, everyone in the room was in tears, experiencing profound grief. There were no handkerchiefs, so I placed an order for paper towels! The trigger for all the tears began with a comment I made about how important it is for personal health and healthy relationships that we openly express the love we feel. “Love shouldn’t be suppressed and hidden,” I suggested. I talked, in particular, about my father’s death and how, although I knew he was certain of my love for him, I still wished I’d told him “I love you” more often. I went on to say that after my dad’s death, I undertook emotional surgery to remove my stiff upper lip and to heal my British conservative conditioning. From now on, I was going to express my love for everyone I knew. My mother and my brother, David, got it first! Then my close friends. And then everyone else. “What could be more sad,” I said, “than not having the courage to tell someone you love them?” It was at this point that I noticed the tears start to roll. One by one, the health professionals shared their stories. One young nurse shared her grief that none of her family had ever said they loved each other. Everyone in the room, without exception, c ould relate to her grief. Another nurse said, “My parents never directly praise, show affection, or say ‘I love you’ to my face, but my sisters tell me that as soon as I walk out of the room, my parents don’t stop talking about how proud they are of me.” We all smiled, for we recognized the pattern. “I just wish we could be more honest,” said the nurse. How many loving relationships have appeared to die because no one could quite bring themselves to say “I love you”? It is indeed a common fear that as soon as you pronounce your love for someone out loud, fate must immediately issue a penalty calling for punishment, rejection, or some other payment. This fear isn’t natural. It can only be your learned guilt and unworthiness that breeds such fearful superstition. Out of fear, you decide to hide your love and play it safe. Yet . . . by playing it safe you lose what you’re trying to keep.
Talk joy! Talk love! Talk happiness! Too many relationships crumble simply because there isn’t enough talk and focus on joy, love, and happiness. If it’s a truly loving relationship that you’re committed to, then expressing your love will strengthen the love and not weaken it. When counseling couples, I often ask each person to draw their own individual picture of happiness. It becomes clear when both pictures are being compared that, although both people want happiness for themselves and for each other, they have hardly ever taken the time to talk openly, honestly, and directly about happiness. There’s nothing stopping you from asking your partner or your friends, “What is happiness?” “How can we be happier? ”“Do you feel loved by me?” or “How can I love and support you better?”
You Have to Jump for JOY! Do you want to be independent or happy? The “Me Generation” is our society’s most recent experiment in a catalog of ill-fated attempts at the pursuit of happiness. It is about individualism, ego, separating out, making it on your own, setting your boundaries, doing your ow n thing, being unattached, being free of commitment, and being fully independent. 3 The point is, however, that you’re not independent! Independence is a complete and utter illusion, for you are inextricably connected to the entirety of everything. In therapy circles and popular psychology, much is made of healing “co-dependence,” the addiction to apparent external sources of love. This is good work, except when it is mistaught and it leads to more boundaries, more defensiveness, more separation, and unhealthy independence. Perhaps what we need now is a movement for “recovering independence addicts”—one that helps people give up their separation, wounding, and fear for a greater experience of joining and wholeness. Independence is impossible—any environmentalist, biologist, quantum physicist, poet, spiritual master, or little baby will tell you so. T he English poet and cleric John Donne put it well in “Iland Verse”:
No man is an Iland, entire of itself; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the sea, Europe isthe lesse, as well as if a Promonterie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or thine own were; any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; and 4 therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. The desire to be independent often betrays an attachment to old wounds. Hence, independence is a defense—a
defense against fear, against hurt, and against a commitment to love. Moreover, too muc h unhealthy independence can also end up blocking the possibility of attracting mutual happiness and love. How can you be independent and intimate? How can you be independent and receive? How can you be independent and experience the joy of sharing yourself wholly with another person? Independence as a defense tends to stem from two fundamental fears in a relationship: (1) the fear of rejection, and (2) the fear of intimacy. Both of these fears are learned; they aren’t natural. They have each become, however, heavily ingrained in our way of thinking. In a nutshell, then . . . every relationship must face the fear of intimacy and the fear of rejection.
Fear of intimacy and fear of rejection are all about imagined needs that arise from a perceived lack of wholeness. In other words, both the fear of intimacy and the fear of rejection stem from learned guilt and unworthiness. Thus, you’re afraid that if you’re intimate with others, they’ll eventually judge you as severely as you judge yourself. And you fear rejection by others because you’ve already judged yourself to be unacceptable and you don’t want to be reminded of the pain. Where there is fear of intimacy and rejection, you may notice some of the following behaviors: • You never commit fully, preferring to keep your options open. • It may look like you commit fully, but you know you never do. • You have many, many acquaintances, but no one knows you really well. • You take a long time to get to know people, and you always begin by putting firm boundaries in place. • You give people your time, your money, and your attention, but neverYou. • You’re wary of commitment because it feels like a loss of freedom. • When a relationship gets really good, you step back, you test it, and you sabotage it. • You “wait and see” if the relationship “is going to go somewhere” before you hop on. • You’re afraid of rejection, so you try to reject others before they reject you. • You find yourself needlessly upsetting, quarreling with, and annoying your loved ones. • You prefer the focus to be on others, never on you. • You’re afraid that what you give, you ultimately lose. • There’s no one you share all of your parts and all of your Self with. For years I prided myself on being “completely independent.”I was the proverbial “one-man show” who would make room for a little bit of love every now and then—just enough to convince me I wasn’t as miserable and as lonely as I felt. Dysfunctionally independent people tend to keep busy to prevent themselves from recognizing their pain. Independence looks like safety, but the s afety is sterile. Even now, I’m aw are that w hen I’m hurt or in pain, my temptation is to pull away fast and be independent again. The fact is, though, that . . . intimacy heals!
When loving is difficult, the key is to move in closer—nose to nose. The more you move away, the easier it is to project, numb out, separate, be safe and sterile, and be s uperior and lonely. If your intention is to love, no matter what, then you’ll want to get close, let down your defenses, and be open. God knows, this can be difficult, for love brings up fear. But the more you can put love first, the less difficult this becomes. 5 One important key to intimate communication is toshare the feelings; don’t shoot the f eelings. In other words, for the communication to be safe and healing, you must commit to the truth that (1) there are no enemies here, and (2) your feelings must not be used as weapons. A relationship that’s truly dedicated to love can afford to drop guilt, defense, attack, and the desire for separation. To experience joy again, you must jump for joy. To do this, joy must mean more to you than vengeance.
Lose Control Do you want to be happy or in control? Love d oes n’t cont rol. Control is not love, control i s fear. You d on’t att empt t o con trol a relationsh ip becaus e of joy, but becau se of fear. Control is meant to bring certainty and safety, but th is so called safety is s o sterile it soon s mells o f fear and d eath, not love and life. Control is also meant to prevent loss es, bu t whatever you try to co ntrol you’ll ultimately end up losing. Love and joy require freedom, not con trol. This is difficult to un derstan d for thos e of us who have b een broug ht u p in and con ditioned b y a culture that demands th at you t ry to cont rol life. The ego always s eeks to con trol everything; th e uncon ditioned Self seeks to set everything free. Love and joy cannot be organized, controlled, and dictated t o, but can only be accepted , shared, and all owed to be.
One day a young apprentice devil came running to the chief devil and said, “Chief devil, sir, something awful is happening to planet Earth!”
The c hief devil frowned and grow led, “What’s happening?” The young devil, very afraid, stuttered, “There’s a bloke called Jesus, and he’s teaching everyone to love one another. He’s also telling them that God is love and not fear.” The chief devil was busy writing his book, The Joy of Politics. He told the young devil to keep an eye on things for him and report back later. The young devil soon returned looking even more worried than before. “Chief devil, sir,” said the young devil, “now Jesus is encouraging people to give up fear, hate, and resentment, and to start practicing forgiveness.” The chief devil was still busy writing. He was halfway through a chapter on “Bureaucracy.” He frowned and growled at the young devil, “Go away and watch for me.” It wasn’t long before the young devil returned again, looking totally terrified. “It’s gotten worse, chief devil, sir. Now Jesus is talking about joy and that the Kingdom of Heaven is within.”
The chief putdevil, down“Why his pen. He worry had just on “Control.” Hetofrowned and growled at thedevil young do you so?finished As soonthe as final Jesuschapter dies, we’ll enlist people organize, control, and make rigid his teachings. We will create another religion! And soon, the love Jesus speaks of will be lost in dogma.” It was the poet William Blake who wrote:
He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it f lies Lives in eternity’s sunrise.6 I remember how, soon after I fell in love for the first time, I became terribly afraid. At first we experienced what I call the Wonder Period. We were open, honest, loving, defenseless, and entirely grateful to be together. We both forgot to be guilty and unworthy of love. And, we were both entirely present—that is, we were focused on the love we felt for each other now. We weren’t trying to plan, organize, or dictate the future of the relationship. Eventually, doubts and fears arose, and so did the temptation to take control, to be defensive, and to take precautionary measures—for a preemptive strike! As you experience even greater levels of love and intimacy in a relationship, it will test your faith in yourself (that is, do I really deserve this?), in each other (that is, do we really love each other?), and in love itself (that is, does love really last?). When your faith falters, you’ll experience the urge to take c ontrol. By doing so, you’re attemptingand to create greater certainty, and strength. Andrelationships yet, even more happiness aliveness. Forsafety, this reason, my prayer for all my is: control often leads to even less
“Dear God, I give You my relationship with _______. I giv e you my desire to control this relationship. Let Love be my guide. Let Love bless us both. So be it.” The truth is . . . you cannot be in control and happy!
Control isn’t only about the fear of loss. Although it may not look obvious, another reason for trying to control your relation ships is because on one level you’re afraid of too much love. The ego objects to too much love because more love means, ultimately, less fear, less judgment, less defensiveness, and less separation. Where there is only love, the ego is out of a job. So, either the ego reasserts itself, or you change your mind about yourself —you love yourself and you acc ept your w holeness.
If you could accept that you’re whole already, you would no longer fear loss or love. Fear leads to control, and control equals trouble. Have you noticed, for instance, that you experience the most pain with people whom you most try to control? Also, have you noticed that the more you control your partner, the less attractive he or she becomes? Furthermore, have you noticed how resentful and bitter you become whenever someone tries to c ontrol you? Like a butterfly caught in the clutches of a sticky hand, love’s beauty is lost without the freedom to fly. The bottom line is . . . you cannot love what you control.
Apologize Qui ckly! Do you want to be proud or happy? Every relationship, be it romance or friendship, begins with a honeymoon phase, or Wonder Period. The new person in your life c an do absolutely no w rong. You’re loving, ac cepting, and c ompletely forgiving of the fac t that this new person worships football, works late, has emotions, lives with Mother, is set in his/her ways, only likes fast food, forgets to flush, keeps stray animals, eats potato chips in bed, and crunches popcorn too loudly at the movies. It’s easy to love in the Wonder Period because you’re in the present time. After a while, relationships move into the second phase, which I refer to as the Now That You’re Mine Phase, or the Familiar Period. During this time, the new people in your life become familiar to you, and they begin to “sound familiar,” to “remind you of . . . ,” and to “behave in the same way as . . .” The ego is always looking for patterns to defend against; and now the emphasis shifts from present to past, imagination to memory, hope to doubt, love to fear, freedom to control. You recall now how, in the past, you appeared to lose out in love, so you become afraid and attempt to amplify love with a little more control. Next, love gives w ay to a pow er struggle for c ontrol, dominance, sitting in the driver’s seat, feeling superior, and being right. This is the Control Period. Now, love is no longer natural. Instead, it becomes a learning curve. You’ll inevitably make mistakes when you engage in a power struggle. You’ll mess up, act bad, get things wrong, fight, attack, defend yourself, get hurt, get petty, lose it, and feel guilty. Neither you nor your partner or friend will want to enforce the guilt, however, if your relationship is consciously dedicated to love and truth. There will be many opportunities for you to make an apology during the power struggle. Unfortunately, the goal of being happy often gives way to the goal of being right during the Control Period. In other words, being right means more to you than being happy. You have to ask yourself . . . do I want to be right or be happy?
The more you want to be right, the less happy you’ll be. You’ll become more and more defensive, stubborn, resentful, bitter, petty, suspicious, vicious, and small. Love is big; pride is small! Welcome to the Coma Period. This is where you look like you’re still together, but you’re not. The battle to be right appears to have worn you both down. You’re tired, c losed dow n, exhausted, and numb. One of you will have to put dow n your weapons of guilt before you can both awaken again to the love that is still beneath the battleground of fear. The Awakening Period usually begins with an apology or forgiveness. You’ll want to apologize if love means more to you than guilt, pain, mistakes, and the past. You’ll want toask for forgiveness and give forgiveness if love is more valuable to you than fear and resentment. If you’re really smart, you will no longer try to be right; you will simply try to be loving. I promise you this—nowhere on your grave or in your obituary will it be written: “He was always right!” or “She never, ever had to say she was sorry!” Hopefully, words like loving, kind, and forgiving will be mentioned over and over. Also, I promise you that some of life’s sweetest moments are those that follow an honest, heartfelt apology!
Forgive Fast and Be Happy NOW! Do you want to be superior or be happy? I often ask participants in my workshops to be still for a moment and become aware of what holding resentment feels like both physically and emotionally. We then list these feelings to estimate the cost of resentment. The cost includes “anger like black rain,” “constant fear and an inability to relax,” “feeling like a victim,” “physical pain,” “a heavy heart,” “empty superiority,” “no air and no breath,” “a preoccupation with the past,” “vengeful hate,” “a cold heart,” “no joy and no love,” and “a feeling like you’re slowly dying.” The most chilling and accurate description I’ve ever read of the unforgiving mind appears in A Course in Miracles. It reads: The unforgiving mind is full of fear, and offers love no room to be itself; no place where it can spread its wings in peace and soar above the turmoil of the world. The unforgiving mind is sad, without the hope of respite and release from pain. It suffers and abides in misery, peering about in darkness, seeing not, yet certain of the danger lurking there. The unforgiving mind is torn with doubt, confused about itself and all it sees; afraid and angry, weak and blustering, afraid to go ahead, afraid to stay, afraid to waken or to go to sleep, afraid of every sound, yet more afraid of stillness; terrified of darkness, yet more terrified at the approach of light. Resentment costs too much. Make no mistake— you are the one who has to pay the bill for the resentment you hold on to. It is your nervous system, your lungs, your muscles, your heart, your perception, and your mind that deteriorates and decays during every moment you try to defend yourself with hate. Resentment is an investment in hate—it believes that hate will give you something that love cannot. Resentment is learned; it isn’t natural. It is the ego that believes resentment, hate, punishment, and attack will protect you and reserve ou. Acc ording to what ou’ve learned, ou are a arentl safe with hate in our heart—safer than if
you were to love or forgive. The problem with resentment is that you cannot be resentful and happy. There’s an old saying: “If your heart has room for one enemy, it is not a safe place for a friend.” You cannot hate and be happy. You cannot hate and love. You cannot hate and win. You cannot hate and be free. You cannot hate and be present. You cannot hate and have a future. The bottom line is . . . you cannot carry resentment and peace of mind at the same time.
As long as you still value resentment, forgiveness will have no appeal. Forgiveness only has appeal for those who are interested in freedom, love, peace of mind, and joy. Your ego and your spirit have two completely different opinions about forgiveness. The ego, convinced of your own smallness and weakness, advises you that you cannot afford to forgive. Guilt, fear, defensiveness, and attack are the ego’s answer. Forgiveness is, ultimately, the betrayal of the ego and all it stands for. Forgiveness is the choice for wholeness. True forgiveness is not about condoning, agreeing to forget, or sacrifice. True forgiveness isn’t about stuffing your emotions or keeping quiet about your resentments. True forgiveness isn’t about doing the right thing. Neither is it about being a doormat or about blaming yourself. No! The truth is . . . true forgiveness is the willingness to believe (1) that you are whole, and (2) that no one can threaten or take away your wholeness.
Forgiveness becomes easier when love means more to you than anything else. Also, it helps when you see the cost of resentment for what it really is. See Table F for the contrast between the forgiving mind of the unconditioned Self and the unforgiving mind of the ego.
Table F True forgiveness is an act of Self-love and Self-acceptance. When you forgive, you put away toys of guilt and embrace love once more. Forgiveness heals pain. Pain is a fearful nightmare that leads you to believe that you’re weak, small, isolated, vulnerable, and alone. Pain feels real. Pain feels like it will last forever. And yet, if when you’re in pain you can muster even a little willingness to forgive, you’ll begin to see differently. In truth . . . forgiveness is a decision to see the “whole truth.”
The willingness to forgive is really the willingness to see . . .“I am not my pain,” “I am not my mistakes,” “I am not my past.” Forgiveness acknowledges that “this pain is not who I am.” As you pray to your whole Self, to God, or to any symbol of wholeness, your perceptions will change as you begin to see again that . . . “I am whole. I am safe. I am not a body. I am free. I am the Presence of Love.”
Forgiveness is a miracle—the greatest of all miracles. Every instance of forgiveness is a vote for greater peace, strength, love, freedom, and joy. When you forgive, you are truly changing your mind about yourself. You’re giving up your fearful, learned selfimage for the loving, powerful, whole, and srcinal Self that you are. Forgiveness elects love to rule. Happiness flourishes where there is love. Whenever you feel low, you might like to affirm:
I f eel tender, and I pick forgiveness now. I f eel afraid, and I choose love now. I f eel hurt, and I want healing now. I f eel angry, and I af firm peace now. I f eel sad, and I wish f or happiness now. I now let go of my fear of forgiveness. I declare today a day of amnesty in which I gratefully volunteer to give up all my resentments and grievances. One by one, I giv e away every fear, scar, guilt, and hatred; for I will not keep what, in truth, does not belong to me. I choose wholeness now. I will no longer teach myself or anyone else that we are guilty. We are free. We are free. I pray for peace; and I will sprinkle kindness, radiate love, and scatter joy wherever I go. And may God help me to handle well all of the happiness that must inevitably follow! So be it.
CHAPTER 8 Traveling Light O Traveling Light , wrapped up in dark ness, sti ll clingi ng to fear, convin ced of your guilt , still dreaming of death. Wake up! Wak e up to happiness "now"! Take your mind back to the first thing th is morning. Would you des cribe the way y ou woke up tod ay as a beautiful performance, or, more simply, a performance? Was it peaceful, or were you in pieces? Did yo u rise and shine, or rise and whine? Did yo u wake up fresh , or on auto ? Do you ev er find th at the effort of wak ing up actu ally exhaus ts you for the res t of the day? How did you greet th is new day? Are you, for ins tance, the s ort of person who wakes up in the morni ng and say s, "Good morning, God," or s wears, " Good God, morning!"? Maybe you like to s tart the day with a s mile, to get it o ver with. How do you p repare for each new day? Try to recall sp ecific decisions you made du ring t he very first ho ur of today. Your first decision may have been to h it the "s nooze" b utto n o n y our alarm clock. What then? A quick coff ee, may b e? Hit th e s hower? A cigarette? A search for so cks? New underwear ? Yest erday's u nderwear? Hurry the ch ildren along? Put on makeup? Breakfast on the run? Catch the lates t head lines ? Hunt for your wallet? Play the "find the keys" game? Walk the d og? A quick jog? Mos t early-morning decisions are about s howers, makeup, clothes , children, food, time, and trans portation. They're "doing decisions ," as oppos ed to " being deci sions." W hat I'm most interested in i s not yo ur "to d o" list, but your "to be" list. In other wor ds, did you make any conscious decisions about how you wanted "to be" today? To put it another way . . . what sort of a day did you decide to have today?
Percentage-wise, how much t ime did you sp end p reparing y our bo dy for to day, that is, washing, feeding, and clothing, as op posed to prepari ng your mind for today? W hat was t he s plit? Body 95 percent; mind 5 percent, perhaps ? Body 25 percent; mind 75 percent, perhaps ? Generally speaking, how do you like to prepare yourself mentally and spiritually for each new day of you r life? Your first ho ur upon waking is like the rudder of a sh ip, in that it serves to s teer a course for the rest o f your day. More sp ecifically, it is du ring this t ime that you make up y our mind exactly what s ort of a day you'll have. In other words , you set you r intent ion for the day, uncons ciously and co ns ciously. So, once again, think back to the first thing t his morning and as k yourself, How did I decide to b e tod ay? What sort o f a day did I alrea dy decide tha t I'd have?
Decisio n is po wer! Decision, abov e circumst ance, is t he key to happ iness now. Know, therefore, that your decision count s. You really can d ecide what s ort of a day t o hav e today. In fact, you alr eady hav e. Nothing, abs olutely nothing, can happen without your decision.
Happiness cann ot happ en witho ut yo ur decisio n to b e hap py. Love canno t grow without yo ur decisio n to b e loving. Peace cann ot blossom with out you r decision to be peaceful. Freedom cann ot b loo m witho ut yo ur decisio n to b e free. Miracles ca nno t flower witho ut yo ur decisio n to b e open. Bliss cann ot flou rish witho ut yo ur decisio n to b e guiltless. Heaven ca nnot bear its fruits withou t you r decision to receive. Everything ultimately res ts on y our decision, including pain, fear, su ffering, and d eath. Your mind is like a TV set with a hund red different chan nels, and it is you who decides which channel you tune in to . You can choo se, for instance, the Victim Channel or the Freedom Channel; the Resen tment Channel or the Forgiveness Chan nel; the X-rated Guilt Chan nel or the Happines s Channel; the Yest erday Repeat Channel or the Now Channel; th e Ego Channel or the Spirit Channel. You can flick onto whichever sho w you want to s ee today. Intention is yo ur remote con trol. Sometimes y ou may find that you 've cons ciously decided to hav e a happy d ay, b ut still your experience is one of misery. This is a common experience. What h as h appened here is th at, cons ciously, you've decided for happines s, but uncon scious ly you've still decided for misery. Often, uncons cious con ditioning has the cas ting vote. Wh at really helps is forgivenes s, the ch oice for wholenes s, and t he decision to let go of all of your guilt and unworthiness . Whatev er happen s, keep deciding for joy . Meditation, prayer , s ilence, s tillness , mantras, yoga, and reading inspirational texts , for instance, can all be h elpful in aiding y ou t o s et yo ur intention for the d ay. There's no st rict formula, technique, dogma, or r itual that mus t be followed. Ultimately, intention is a single thought which, when valued above all else, can illuminate your entire day. The key to h appiness now is to s ee that intention creates outco mes. In other words . . . your intention determines everything. It is a gr eat "power"!
Every morning I sit up on my "flying carpet" -a beautiful silk carpet I bo ught on my travels th rough Ind ia. While s itting, I set my intention for th e day throug h prayer and meditation. Sometimes I recite s et prayers and s ometimes I pray sp ontan eous prayers. I follow whatever feels natural. One of my favorite pers onal prayers is my " Peace Prayer." It reads:
Peace be to my mind. Peace be to my think ing . Peace be to my bo dy. Peace be to my senses. Peace be to me no w. Peace be to me always. Peace be to me here. Peace be to me everyw here. Peace be to me with you . Peace be to me with everyo ne. Peace be to One a nd All. This p rayer quite clear ly sets an intention for peace. Other times I might pray:, "Dear God, what would You ha ve my intention be today?" Again, there's no set formula. At all times, what I'm aiming for is t o take guidan ce from my uncon ditioned Self. Now is new. Today is new. Abo ve all, then, I want to be op en and sp ontan eous ly available to all that is and all that I am. This is my intention.
Be Wholehearted! A monk ask ed Ch ao-ch ou, "If a poor man comes, what should one give h im?" "He lacks nothing," answered the master. - Zen mondo When my friends and I first arrived in India, we each felt th at we'd s omehow been flung from Earth's o rbit d uring our flight and had landed on anoth er planet. Everything was completely d ifferent from what we'd ever known—everything! The entire trip was a mixed bag of shock, surprise, wonder, awe, Delhi belly, poverty, peace, ashrams, hotels, adventure, des pair, and also magnificent b eauty. The geograph y and landscape of India is truly beautiful , but noth ing was more lovely to us than t he moments when we were greeted by th e local peop le. Greeting is a sacred art in India. F or many Indians , greeting t he day and greeting on e anoth er are bot h cherished ev ents that are performed mindfully with great care and p os itive intent. W hen Indians greet you , therefore, they actually stop to
be with Theyinclasp t ogeth er, are to, deeply into y our" Yo, eyesdud , and ing, "Namast e!" and which means "I bow to tyou. he Light You."t heir Thishands is s omewhat ofsmile, a contstrast "Hey, man!" e!"s "Hello darling," " How the, hell are you?" Since our trip to India, I've collected greetings like "Namaste!" from all over the world. In central Africa, for instance, there's a greeting wher e one pers on s ays to anot her, "I am here to be s een," the reply to which i s, "I s ee you." In th e Far East , there's an o ld Gnos tic greeting t hat s till survives which, trans lated, means "I am the Light in You." Th ese greetings are really bless ings. They are bless ings of love, and they h elp set a definite intention and p urpos e for time sp ent to gether. The beauty of these sacred greetings is that they bless both the receiver and the giver. They're also wonderful affirmations an d teachings of our innate wholenes s an d onen ess with each ot her. This is h elpful becaus e I believe that the true function of friendship is to remind each other of our wholeness. In this way, the function o f friendship and the function of th erapy and medicine are the same. Thes e sacred g reetings celebrate the gift of friends hip. They also rem ind you t hat every pers on who s tands before yo u is a t eacher. If there's one certainty in life you really can rely upo n, it is th at . . . if a pers on is i n your li fe, it is becaus e you have a gift for each other.
Yes! Th e peop le you know—not hope to know—are the on es who have a gift for you, a gift wai ting to be received right now. With each person you are close t o, ask you rself, "W hat is t heir gift to me?" and also, "W hat is my gift to t hem?" Don't jus t as k these qu est ions of the p eople you find easy t o love; as k them of the peop le who are more challenging! Make it your intent ion tod ay, all day, to be p resent and willing to learn, receive, and give fully to the people yo u meet. It's impos sible to ov erestimate th e value of the perso n s tanding b efore you. Look car efully. All too often we hav e, in th e pas t, overlooked the p erso n in front of us becau se we were too b us y searching for a "more" s uitable pers on, ov er "th ere," coming "n ext." Abo ve all, the real reason why greetings are s o important is that y ou n ever meet just any-body; you always meet your Self. In A Course in Miracles it is written:
When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you w ill find yourself or
lose yourself. 1 So much o f our pain stems from our persis tent at tempts to cheat what many ancient p hilos oph ers hav e called The Golden Rule, which is: "Do unt o oth ers as y ou would have th em do un to yo u." Another version is: "Do unto o thers as though you were the others," and another: "Be careful what you do unto o thers because you are the others!" The point is . . . you cannot be happy and cheat The Golden Rule!
What yo u throw at another per son hits you ! Therefore, you cannot throw hate at s omeone and feel peace. You cann ot throw guilt at s omeone and experience freedom. You cannot throw anger at so meone and enjoy love. You cannot throw any attack at someone and be safe. The Golden Rule also works t he oth er way. For ins tance, as long as you judge y ours elf to be " not g ood en ough ," you will invariably end up judging thos e people mos t familiar to yo u as being "n ot go od en ough ." This is the ego's blessing. Nothing astou nds the ego more than when a friend yo u know does s omething wond erful, wise, and world class . "They can't be great becau se I know them," s ays our ego! W henever yo u greet s omeone, therefore, be cl ear where you're coming from—ego or spirit. Your greeting is bot h an affirmation and a t eaching of "who I am ." Wh at yo u teach y ours elf, you teach others , also . So what are you today ? Are you guilty, unworthy, and a victim , or will you be y our loving, free, and wholl y joyou s uncon ditioned Self? Where are y ou coming from? You decide. A fine way t o b egin each day is to ask yo urself: What would I hav e my teaching be today?
What ever your decision, let your greetings b e a demonstration of yo ur teaching. By th e way, the power of your greeting isn't necess arily in the words y ou us e, but in the cons cious ness with which you spea k the words. In this way, a simple greeting can beco me a wonderful tool of teaching, inspirati on, and healing. Indeed, a s imple "Hello!" is often en ough to sh ift a p erception of fear to love, lack to wholenes s, and isolation to u nity. Recent so cial research tells us that 70 percent of peo ple don't know the n ames of their own next-door neighbo rs. That's right—70 percent! We li ve o n t op of each o ther, yet we feel increasingly iso lated. 2 I remember as a young child, when times were very hard, my family lived in a high -rise apartment bu ilding along with 80 other families. We literally did live o n top of each other. I remember, in particular, how we got to know th e foots teps that belonged to 14a, 14b, 14c, but never th e faces and the names. We were all so close . . . yet so sep arate. I believe t hat it's time yo u an d I res urrected the art of greeting. Remember tod ay th at yo u're in g reat company wherever you go. Look for it and you will see it!
Be What You Want!
You will never become happy—you can only be happy.
There's an old Sufi st ory of a conversat ion that once t ook place betwe en Mulla Nasrud in and a good friend of hi s: "I'm getting married o n th e morrow, Mulla," pronou nced his friend, s miling wide from ear to ear. Mulla Nasrud in was qu iet and thou ghtful. "Isn't mar riage wonderful, Mulla! It is quite the b est ! Have yo u ever cons idered gett ing married, Mulla?" Mulla Nasrudin s ighed. "In my yo uth I th ough t of not hing else. In fact, I so wanted to find the p erfect wife that I traveled the world searching for her. In Damascus, I met a woman who was beautiful, spiritual, and loving, but, alas, sh e had no worldly knowledge. In Is phahan , I met a woman who was beau tiful, loving, and worldly, but, alas, s he wasn't interested in the spiritual life." "W here did you travel to next, Mulla?" as ked his friend. "I forget where, but I met a woman who was truly s piritual, loving, an d worldly, but, alas, s he was n't beau tiful. Finally, I went to Cairo, and there, after much searching, I found the perfect wife. She was everything I had wanted her to be. She was p erfect," s ighed Mulla Nasrud in. "If sh e was s o perfect, why did you not marry her, Mulla?" as ked his friend. "Alas ," said Mulla Nasrud in, sh aking his h ead, "s he was, unfortunately, looking for the perfect hus band!" Often, what we demand of o thers we are not willing to be o urselves . In particular, we spen d to o much time looking for the right p erson instead of being the right perso n. The s tory of Mu lla Nasrudin and h is friend illus trates very well how you have to be what you want. Indeed, one o f the mos t hop eful and helpful teachings of my work through The Happiness Project is: You can be what you want!
Did any one t ell you when you were growing u p th at yo u cou ld be what yo u want? Hopefull y, if you were fortunate, there was at least one p erson in you r life who encouraged yo u to dream, to dare, and to be. The words You can be what you want so und so pos itive, hopeful, and affi rming. They are also a st atement o f truth, for they ill us trate a very important principle of being, which is o utlined in a poem of affirmation I wrote called "You Can Be What You Wan t!" It reads :
If you woul d wan t love, be loving . If you would wa nt ca re, be caring. You can b e what you wan t. If you woul d wan t joy, be joyful. If you would wa nt peace, be p eaceful. You can b e what you wan t. If you woul d wan t happi ness, be ha ppy. If you w ould want k ind ness, be k ind ly. You can b e what you want .
If you woul d wan t forgiveness, be forgivin g. If you woul d wan t accepta nce, be acceptin g. You can b e what you wan t. Being is pro active. It is literally b eing what yo u want. It is also ab out being first . For example, if you want ho nes ty, be hones t first; if you want loyalty, be loyal first; if you want trus t, be trus ting first; if you want en thus iasm, be enthu siast ic first; if you want courage, be co urageous first; if you want inspirati on, be a Light first! Be what you want and st ick to it! Your courage will be rewarded. 3 If you are not being, you are either waiting or s earching. Man y times I've s aid through my work at The Happiness Project that . . . there' s a world of difference between s earching for happines s and choosing to be happy.
Between s earching an d cho os ing, two worlds are born. Searchi ng for hap piness gives b irth t o an experience of fear, lack, and g uilt. You o nly search for that which you fear you do n ot hav e, or for that which you are not yet willing to accept you have already. Searching is Self-denial. With Self-acceptance, searching is over. Now you can choose to be what you want
to be. Now you dis cover the power of Being . In life there are, broadly sp eaking, three routes marked "Happines s," but o nly one of thes e routes can take you all the way. The th ree routes are: (1) the "Doing Route," (2) the " Having Route," and (3) the " Being Route."
Figuer 4 The "Doing Route" is bas ed on t he great hop e that eno ugh acco mplish ment, production, and go od deed s will make you happy. The key word is achievement. The "Having Route" is based on the great hope that what you buy, collect, and own will make you hap py. The key word is accumulation. In truth, neither of thes e routes can make you happy, but bot h can encourage you to be happy. The secr et is—you cannot " do happy," and you cannot "have happy," but you can "be happy!"
Being is th e key to lasting h app iness. The "Being Route" is all about the courage to be what you want. The key word is acceptance. Inspirational ps ychologist Carl Rogers made a st udy o f both acceptance and being for much of his life. He unders tood that th e power of "being" is real—more real than an y amount of "doing" and " having." He once wr ote: The individual moves towards " being," knowingly and acceptingly, the proces s he inwardly and act ually is. He moves away from being what he is n ot, from being a facade. He i s not trying to b e more than he is, with the attend ant feelings of guilt or s elf-depreciation. He is increasingly l istening to the deep est recess es of his phys iological and emotion al being, and finds himself increasingly willing to b e, with greater accuracy and depth, that Self which he mos t truly is. 4 Your born of , hasjob, a "dhave o or die" It as would encourage yo uufirst to do " and t hen "t o have have"you so as " tobe be." Forego, example: dolack a good a bigmentality. income, so to be happy. Your ncon" ditioned Self would first and then you can do what you like and y ou can have what y ou like. Be first! It was the g reat Rus sian no velist Leo Tolst oy who wrote: "If you want to b e happ y, be." 5 To be is to accept and live from your srcinal wholeness. To be is wisdom.
Give What You Want! Giving is a gain, not a loss. Give generously! One of the h ealing p rocess es I mos t enjoy u sing d uring my workshops is called " Complimentary Med icine Therapy." This proces s acknowledges the en ormous healing p otent ial of kind, loving, and en couraging words of compliment. There are three s tages to "Complimentary M edicine Th erapy." You might want to try each st age for yo urself. The first st age is to write down five com liments you would mos t like to receive from anybo dy. These com liments may highlight a
particular quality, talent, skill, or value that is dear to yo u. Once written , I ask participants to repeat th ese compliments o ut loud to th emselves . Why? Because . . . often what you want to hear from others is what you are c urre ntly not saying to yourself. Other people can co mpliment y ou a tho us and t imes over, but you will only truly hear (that is, receive) as many compliments from others as you're willing to give you rself. Thus , giving to yours elf can help you receive from others . Keep your list of compliments on h and. Read them not jus t on ce, but t hree times a day, for a minimum of seven days.
The s econd st age of " Complimentary Med icine Therapy" is to think of someone in you r life who is perhap s o verdu e a sincere co mpliment from you. The name or face of this person will appear almost instant ly. Think carefully now what it is you would mos t like to co mpliment this person for. Why do this? First, becaus e being loving is fulf illing y our purpos e; s econd, it's great fun; an d th ird . . . whatever you compliment in another person, you are strengthening in yourself, also.
Compliments are affirmations. Like s acred greetings , they bless both the receiver and the giver. A good way to st rengthen an y joyful quality in yours elf is to first sp ot it in oth ers. What y ou s pot in others , you give life to in yourself. The Buddhists refer to th is practice as "s ympathet ic joy." The ego, born of lack , cannot afford to be this gen erous , but you can! Remember, giving is a gain, not a loss. The third stag e is t o think of a perso n you feel is overdue in giving you a loving compliment. Once again, the name or face of this person will appear almos t ins tantly. Think for a moment . . . what would you mos t like th is pers on to s ay to you? Next, make contact with this individual and pay the compliment you would most like to receive. Give what you want. Why ? Because . . . often what you're not getting may be what you're withholding.
Other people are you. They are yo ur mirrors. And just as it would be entirely un reasonab le to s tand before a mirror and demand to s ee so mething you 're not p resenting, s o too is it unreas onable to expect from so meone s omething that y ou're not willing to g ive. Many peo ple have experienced great breakthroughs in their relations hips (with both the living an d dead) during this third stage. Loving is easy when we perceive that we're being loved. It can be v ery tempting, h owever, to withdraw our love whenever we feel mistreated, attacked, or let down in some way. Similarly, even though we may want to be loving, it can be difficult—when so meone we know is b eing disho nes t, disloyal, or petty—no t to fall into playing the s ame game. We protest—we offer an attack for an attack. And yet . . . the moment you withdraw love from any one person, you also withdraw yourself from the experience of love.
moment love, it is you are, trut h, the Presenceofofwithho Love, lding. and it's sible for you to The be aut hentic you and withdraw free and not loving. Y ouwho musts uffers. be veryYou clear oninthe cons equences Forimpos ins tance, withho ld love and fear takes hold; withhold k indnes s an d love goes cold; withho ld forgiveness and resen tment cho kes you; withho ld acceptance and peace eludes you; withho ld trust an d bet rayal is certain; withho ld yourself . . . and you will end up by yourself . To put it another way:
Withh old lo ve from your brother, and you dep rive yourself of the feeling of Love's Presence. Withh old k indn ess from another, and you wil l no long er fully enjoy Kindness's sweet essence. Withh old accept ance from someone, and your rampant judgment will deny you an y peace. Withh old forgiveness from anyon e, and you will d ie of the resentme nts you refuse to release. Withh old yo ur smile from me, and you wi ll feel my tears upon you r own face. Withhold your g entle gaze fr om me, and you will overlook your own good grace. Only you r ego can be attacked. Indeed, i t mus t be attacked becaus e it's always attacking. The ego is alw ays "on the take," co ntinually making up for its perceived lack. The ego cann ot b e generous in giving, for it believes giving equals loss. There is, ho wever, a place in yo u that is whole, safe, and b eyond any th reat. This is you r uncond itioned Self. Your unco nditioned Self und erstand s that giving is a multiplication and not a s ubtraction. Wh at yo u give, multiplies. Also, it does n't think in terms of "g iving an d receiving," b ut ins tead, that "giving is receivi ng." Giving, from you r wholeness , is t he key to abu ndance. W hen yo u give unco nditionally, the only cos t of giving is recei ving. Therefore, look around to day, and give what you want!
Today is your gift to the world. Give what appears to be missing. Give what you appear not to be getting. Give what you think you have b een searching for . Give what you believe you are wa iting for . Give generously, without thought of loss and sacrifice. Give openly, that you may receive what you want. Give freely, that yo u may find what yo u are after.
Give fully, that your wai ting may be o ver. Above all, give what you want.
Remember What's Important! Real g oals aren 't ab out the future; they're ab out your life righ t here a nd n ow! "I know who you are! You're the h appiness d octor," s aid the taxi driver. I smiled politely. "I've been called a few things in my time," I said, "b ut t hat is one o f the bet ter ones . Thank you." I was on my way to a TV studio, and Simon, the taxi driver, had come to pick me up from the train station. The conversation we were abo ut to h ave p roved most illuminating. "Come s it in th e front with me, mate," s aid Simon in h is s trong cockney London accent. No s ooner h ad I put my s eatbelt on when Simon s aid, "I've discovered the s ecret to happines s, you know." "Really?" I said, trying not to sound too surprised. "Yeah, I've go t the s ecret," he s aid. Call me ps ychic, but I so mehow knew I woul dn't h ave to ask Simon for his s ecret! "I'll tell you my s ecret if you like," said Simon. "Yes, please." I no dded . Simon p aus ed a moment, and then he s aid, "Triple byp ass s urgery!" "What?" I asked. "The s ecret to happiness is triplebypas s surgery! " "That's a new one on me, Simon," I s aid. "Let me tell you mate, my life was a bloody mess before my triple-bypass surgery. Can you believe I owned this car, 15 others , two Rolls Royce motors, and loads more before my heart at tack. There I was, on the o perating table, w hen I rang up my bu sines s partner and I sold th e whole bloody lot to him. I said 'Good riddance.' Now I ow n no thing. But than ks to triple-byp ass su rgery, I'm a h appy man! "Ever since tripl e-bypas s su rgery," con tinued Simon, " I've s een more blue sky, more s uns hine, more beaut y, more green fields , more friends , more Wes t Ham [a s occer team] . . . more everyth ing." Now I was really excited. "A re you a Wes t Ham fan?" I as ked. "A ll my life," h e said. "Me, too," I said. Now we were real friends! "An yway," Simon continued , "I s ee everyth ing differently now." Jus t as h e said thos e words, a driver from behind gave a p rolong ed blast on his horn at u s. Without miss ing a beat, Simon s aid, "Take that bloke behind us . Before triple bypas s su rgery I would hav e tho ught this g eezer was giving me grief, but now, I realize he's actu ally ho nking his horn to applaud my beautiful driving skills t hrough t he bu sy streets of Londo n!" I tightened my seatbelt. Simon co ntinued, " You can p ut this in your n ext b ook if you like, but before triple-bypas s su rgery, all I ever tho ught about was th e future. I worked so hard that I lost my way. I was away from home 18 hours a d ay. I us ed to have t o remind my wife who I was. I've got t wo beautiful daughters , grown up n ow, and th ey've bot h go t two children. I 'm a granddad ! But I never saw my children grow up. I was too busy. I lost my way. I really lost my way." "So what's the real secret to happiness?" I asked. "One thing," said Simon. " Wake up every day and as k yourself, 'What 's important?' Never ever forget what's im portant. My o nly goal every day is t o know what's important and th en take care of it. Life's too sh ort otherwise." Simon paused a moment, and I took my chance. "So, what's important, Simon?" Simon s miled. He then went very q uiet and began to look quite sh y. He leaned ov er toward me and said in a so fter, more hus hed v oice, "Don't think me funny for saying t his, will you?" "No," I said. "Well, it's love, isn't it? Love's what's important." For me, conversat ions d on't get much bett er than th e one Simon and I had. I did mos t of the listening, and I was hap py to do so. Simon was a wise man. He reminded me that . . . the k ey to happines s is to r emember what's important to you.
During my days with my Stress Busters Clinic, I noticed that people get ill and unh appy becaus e (1) they forget what's important; or (2) they know what's important, b ut they put their time, energy, and atten tion elsewhere. We m ean to take care of the important bus iness of our life, but all too often t he s mall details crowd in and cover the big picture. We get bus y, preoccupied, waylaid, and forgetful. Like a traveler witho ut s tars or compass, we even tually lose our way. The Ha
iness Proj ect focuses a lot on g oal-setting with a difference. The difference is that we attend to what I ca ll
Present Time Goals. Mos t go als are all about your to morrows, your future, and how great yo u ho pe yo ur life will one d ay be. For me, real goal-sett ing is all abo ut th e present moment. It is ab out the h ere and n ow. Your most p owerful goals, therefore, aren't about future happi ness ; th ey're about happiness now!
Happiness now! is about Present-Time Goals. It was the Swiss ps ychologist Carl Jung who wrote: "Mo st of the peo ple I see su ffer not from physical illnes s, bu t from sp iritual aimless nes s. They have los t their aim. They hav e lost sight of who they really are and what is reall y valuable." 6 One key to happines s, th en, is not to wait until you need triple-bypas s su rgery before you rem ember what's important. Let joy be yo ur learning curve . . . not just pain. Happiness and healing are about remembering what's important and discarding th e rest. One simple exercise I us e you may want to try. First, write down ten things you love t o do . Some peop le have so lost th eir way that th ey can't even think of ten. Now, write down n ext to t hes e ten th ings th e date yo u last d id each one. After that, write down th e names of the ten mos t important people in you r life, and th en place next to each name a date when you last s pent "real time" to gether. Look carefully and see if you 're attend ing to what is really important and v aluable to you— now! Todayfor is your whole life, and your real goal is to live well today. Remember, therefore, what is important. The formula Presen t-Time Goals goes only like this: If health is important to y ou, as k yourself,
how can I be truly healthy today? If balance is important to y ou, as k yourself,
what are my real priorities today? If love is important to y ou, as k yourself,
how will I show my love today? If service is important to y ou, as k yourself,
what can I contribute to today? If truth is important to yo u, ask you rself,
how can I mak e way for wisdom today? If success is important to you, ask yourself,
what is success today? If peace is important to y ou, as k yourself, what struggle can I let go of today? If life is important to you, ask yourself,
how can I live well today?
Be Wise A few years ag o, I gave a keyno te pres entation t o th e Annual Mental Heal th Conference for Wal es. At th is conference I talked on "Healing, Listening, and Wisd om." I s ugges ted th at th e experience of being li st ened t o wholeheartedly by anoth er person is one o f life's richest gifts. I said that list ening is like love in that it unites us ; and that where there is genuine listening, sep aration is over, fear fades , and wisdom begins. As I began to talk more specifically about the importance of silence in everyday life, I became aware of how silent the room was. Everyone was s ilent—deeply, deeply s ilent.
Why are they so quiet? I wondered. What's with this silence? They're not i mpressed, I feared. Other fearful though ts came rushing in—Chang e the subject! There's no value here! T ell a jok e. You're go ing to die. Mak e a run for it. Leave Wales now! And so on. For some reaso n I decided to t rust that ev erything was okay. O ne part of my mind was trus ting; the o ther part was terrified. Never had I encou ntered an audience s o qu iet. I was tempted at one p oint to walk among the p articipants and check for pulses ! I refrained. Somehow, I could s ee that what was really happen ing was t hat I was coming face to face with my own fear and uncertainty abo ut s ilence, list ening, and wisdom. I decided to g o th e whole way. Later, when I played back the tap e of the conference, I listened to th e conclus ion of my talk on "Healing, List ening, and Wisd om," which ended with thes e words: Our greatest fear is th at if we were to s top st ill and list en to our Self, there would be not hing but silence. Be not afraid. For there is a silence in you—an eternal silence that is both empty and full. It is empty of the fear, criticism, and judgment that has plagued yo u; and it is full of the Love th at can s ave you . Trus t this s ilence! This silence i s not cold, but warm. Listen to this s ilence s peak to you of you r Self that Is, and always will be, wholly free, wholly worthy, and wholly well. Fear not the silence—for it is wise and it brings great peace. I then s aid, "Than k you for listening," and s at down, feeling very uns ure of mys elf. One perso n began to clap, and then, to my great surpri se, the en tire audience rose to its feet to give me a mos t generous ovation. I stoo d up twice to accept the applause, an d s till it went o n. Looking back now, it was as if the applaus e was like a reward for me to dare to sp eak my
truth ev en th ough I was afraid to do s o. The app lause also felt like a collective affirmation of fresh intent to listen t o ou r inner-tuition, to follow the h eart more often, and to s tand by what is mos t important. Immediately after my talk, a man came up to me with a newsletter on mental health, which co ntained the following poem, called " Listening." It was written by a us er of the local mental health s ervices. His n ame is M ike, and h is po em reads :
When God gave out b rains I thought He said trains —so I missed mine. When God gave out looks I thought He said book s —so I didn't want any . When God gave out noses I though t He said roses —so I ordered a big red one. When God gave out chins I thought He said gins —so I ordered a large double one. When God gave out legs I thought He said k egs —so I asked for lar ge fat ones. When God gave out heads I thought He said beds —so I asked for a big sof t one. Gosh, am I in a mess! Life is an act of list ening. The qu ality o f your life depends on t he qu ality o f your list ening. 7 In any given moment, you're either listening t o th e voice of fear (your ego), or the vo ice of love (yo ur uncon ditioned Self). Fear always leads to more fear. Love always leads t o more love. Learning to switch off the voice of fear is an art. What is un helpful is to at tack fear, resist fear, or defend against fear. One ans wer is simply to focus on love, and t o v alue love more than fear. The more you value love, the less fear you'll hear. One of the reasons why we long t o be list ened to by ot hers is th at we don't always list en to ou r Self. We've stop ped list ening to o ur Self becaus e we've learned to believe that there's n othing worth li st ening to. Jus t as we refuse t o believe that h appines s is within, love is within, and p eace is within, so t oo d o we refus e to b elieve that any wisdom is also within. Often in my worksh ops I will ask, "W here is wisdom?" My audiences know to s ay, "Wisd om is within." But when I then invite peop le to stand up and p roclaim, "I am a wise p erson !" very few people do s o. Mos t often whoever dares to st and up g ets a round of applaus e for their courage and t heir example. Like the thirsty fish in water, you're surrounded by, immersed in, and created with wisdom. However, wisdom is, to your ego, blasph emy. And so too is love, peace, and happ iness . To be wise, therefore, you mus t first ch ange yo ur mind about yours elf. In other words . . . to accept wisdom and guidance, first you must be willing to give up your belief in guilt.
You are not g uilty. You are not unworthy. You must be willing to give up what you've learned about yo urself. Next, you must also be willing to give up your fearful, limiting beliefs about wisdom and guidance. For instance, wisdom isn't special; it's natural. Similarly, guidance isn't rare; it is everywhere. Both wisdom and guidance are never deserved; they are merely accepted. If you can po ss ibly accept that your Self is whole, worthy, and well, then y ou'll find it eas y to accept wisdom for yours elf. Even a little willingnes s can b ring unto ld amount s of wisd om. Wisd om is unco nditional. Wisd om is cons tant. You are never n ot wise. Wisdo m is everywhere. And all that is ev er really going on is that either you're listening to your wisdom or you're ignoring it. Wisdom is free. I t requires n o s pecial techniques , no s pecial learning, and n o s pecial "go od b ehavior." Wisdom requi res no effort, no s acrifice, and n o s uffering. Those who believe in wisdom find wisdom, for . . . wis dom is available to those who make themsel ves available to wis dom.
How often have y ou let yours elf down becaus e you refused to list en to yo ur own innate wisdom and "inner-tui tion"? Many times y ou've known, with hindsight, th at you had th e ans wer all along to th e challenges you were faced with. Wisd om wasn't miss ing. All that was miss ing was the b elief that yo u can b e wise, yo u can b e free, and yo u can b e happ y. When you make time to listen to the wisdom of your unconditioned Self, you begin to hear a familiar melody. A Course in Mira cles refers t o this melody in an inspired pas sag e of poetry called "The Forgotten Song." Here are a f ew of the lines:
Listen -perha ps you catch a hint of an an cien t state no t quite forgotten; dim, perh aps, an d yet not altog ether unfamiliar, like a song whose name is long forgotten, and the circumstances in which you heard completely unremembered. Not the whparticular ole so ng .h as stayed with yo u, but just a little wisp o f melod y, attached no t to a perso n or a place or anything But yo u remember, from just th is little part , how lo vely wa s the song, ho w wonderful the settin g where you h eard it, and how you loved those who were there and listened with you. Believe and know! This is the key t o wisdom. If you list en an d h ave d ifficulty finding an an swer, it's becaus e yo u're playing out the belief that wisd om is d ifficult. If you listen and y ou h ear no answer, it's b ecause you 're playing out a b elief that you have n o wisdom. If you listen and are afraid to follow the ans wer, it's becaus e you 're playing out the b elief that your wisdom may no t be correct. Give up yo ur guilt, take back you r projections , and let wisd om be natural to yo u on ce more. People invariably ask me, "How do I know my guidance is right?" Because the ego so firmly believes that y ou are unworthy, it obses ses over "what is right" and " what is wrong." In the pas t, I would always pray, "Wh at's t he right th ing to do here?" Today, I leave "right " and "wrong" alone, and, ins tead , I pray, "Wh at is th e mos t loving th ing I can do h ere?" or "How can I be the Presence o f Love right n ow?" W hen in
difficulty, I always call for love, because love is wisdom. Walk with love today.
Leap! There once was a man who went walking along a cliff edge. He strayed from the p ath, lost his foot ing, and fell over the edge. As he fell toward the deep blue s ea, he grabbed at a branch of tho rns. Hanging there, dar ing not let go, the m an began to pray, "Is t here anybod y there?" "Yes," came th e reply. "Who is it?" asked the m an. "God." "Help me, God," prayed the man. "Let go and leap," said God. The man tho ught for a moment, and th en he prayed, "Is there anybo dy else th ere?" The man in this s tory wants it bot h ways—he wants to cling to pain and be free! You can't do b oth . All too often we refuse t o let go of our fears un til we can s ee love, but we can't s ee love unt il we're first willing t o let go of our fears. Similarly, we won't give up our defenses until we're safe; but we can't be safe until we're first willing to let go our defens es. Again, we cling t o our painful past u ntil we're sure of a bright future, but t here can be no bright future until we surrender our past. We'r e so reluctant to give up our s uffering before we're happy again, but happines s can 't happen until we let go of our s uffering. It is only o nce yo u're willing t o let go of you r illus ions t hat t ruth can unfold; it is on ly once yo u're willing t o let go of your p ain that joy can take hold. It is only on ce you 're willing to let go of you r grievances that peace will reign; it is only once you're willing to let go of your limitations that you will be free again. Healing is a letting go. Happines s is a great big letting g o!
Let ego o r let go ! To the eg o, love, truth, and happ iness look like an awfully big risk, but that's becaus e it cannot s ee st raight. Remember, you can 't be in cont rol of your heali ng, and you can't be in con trol and be happy. You h ave to let go of control and fear . Letting go feels like a risk, but, in truth , the on ly thing yo u risk los ing when yo u let go is you r ego. Love is not a risk, not if you're willing to give up guilt. Peace is not a gamble, not if you're willing to give away all thou ghts of conflict. Happiness is not u ns table, not if you s tand firm. Trus t is not d angerous , not if you g ive it uncon ditionally. Freedom is nev er broken, not if you accep t it wholeheartedly . It all comes down to where you decide to place your trus t. Your un conditioned Self i s unreaso nably joyful because it trust s uncon ditionally. Trust is p roactive. Whatever you trust in full y—and that means both consciously and uncon scious ly—it must co me to p ass . If, therefore, you trus t fully in joy, it mus t hap pen; if you trust fully in love, it mus t happen ; if you t rust fully in peace, it mus t happ en. True joy is t rust . It is a trust that y ou are, in spirit, already free and already happy. It i s a trus t that you are, at heart, wholly innocent and loving. It i s a trust that y ou are, in truth, com pletely s afe and well. It is also a trus t that you are, always , blessed with s trength, insp iration, and po wer greater than any challenge y ou meet. I remember sitting do wn one afternoon on a crowded beach o n a s mall Greek Island. I was an gry and was nu rsing my wounds . I had just s urvived a near—fatal car crash only a few hours earli er having been d riven o ff the road by a d runk driver in a large truck. I was lucky to be alive. I sat down to pray, and t he following d ialogue just h appened :
"What is wisdom?" I ask ed. "Wisdo m is joy," ca me The Answ er. "And what i s joy?" I asked. "Joy is the knowledge that nothi ng that ever happens, in this universe or any other, can tak e away your freedom," an swered The Answer. "Nothing?" I questioned. "Nothing," said The Answer. "And what is peace?" I asked. "Peace is givin g up all resista nce to joy," answered The Answer .
Walk Free! Be big ! You've played small too long. The following s tory perfectly illustrates the o nly "real key" you need t o walk free: Harry Houdini liked n othing better th an d igging a ho le for himself and then looking for a way out . His ability to free himself from shackles, lock ed b oxes, s traitjackets , handcu ffs, an d all kinds of s ealed containers brough t th e Hungarian escape artist worldwide fame. There was n othing he co uld not escap e from. Well, almos t n othing. At t he height of his fame, Houdini iss ued a challenge t o th e world to build a jail that co uld hold him. Houdini
would es cape from jail after jail after jail within moments. There's a story of on e jail, however, where something went very wrong. This jail was like all the res t—concrete floors an d walls, a set of bars, n o furniture. Harry entered, and th e doo r was s hut b ehind him. The st opwatch s tarted ticking, and Houd ini got t o work on th e lock with a p iece of metal he had con cealed in his clothes . Harry soo n realized that t his lock was u nus ual. An ho ur pass ed by and no luck. Anot her hour pas sed by, and s till he was imprisoned. Beads of s weat formed up on h is brow. Effort up on effort upo n effort got the g reat Houdini nowhere. Cuffed by tirednes s, ch oked with frust ration, he ev entually fell agains t th e doo r in desp air, and . . . the door swung open. The prison door had never been locked. We've s o accus tomed ourselves to s truggle, suffering, and sacrifice that we often overlook the easy option. So franti c is our s earch for peace th at we often miss what's already freel y av ailable. When unhap py, we feel hemmed in, trapped, an d imprisoned mentally and emotionally. The prison bars of pain, fear, guilt, and grief feel so real that we dare not believe we can simply walk free. I was o nce told by a man w ho'd s erved a ten—year pri so n s entence t hat "t he mos t fearful day of priso n for any priso ner is the day before you get your freedom back." I also remember him telling me, "My prison bars had become so familiar to me th at I didn 't know if I cou ld live without them." W hat feels familiar, feels real. What feels unfamiliar can feel frightening. If you've felt trapped and imprisoned for a long time, freedom can feel unfamiliar and frightening. If you've been depress ed and in pain for any p eriod, joy can be s cary. If you've been lonely for too long , love an d intimacy can b e terrifying. If you've been in sacrifice all your life, then the idea of receiving feels like hell. And if you've played small too often, then the thought of living big will feel exciting, frightening, and impossible. You desire freedom and yo u're afraid of freedom. Happiness now! is all about feeling the fear of freedom and walking free anyway. Your unconditioned Self was born free.
You were born free. Desp ite what you may th ink and what yo u may have learned, you are s till free. If you co uld only believe this, you wou ld see that it is s o. Like happiness an d love, freedom waits o n welcome, not o n time. Freedom awaits your decision. If only for a moment, now, just let yourself feel free. Feel it. Feel free! Happiness is a decision to be free now. Be free now. Resist yourself no more. Give in to freedom. Accept what is, in truth, already yours, and walk free.
You have suffered eno ugh. Be free now. You h ave lab ored al l you r life. Walk free now. You h ave searched all over. Be free now. You h ave strug gled so much. Walk free now. You h ave sacrificed to o much. Be free now. You ha ve been gu ilty to o lon g. Walk free now. You h ave wai ted n eedlessly. Be free now. Revel in your freedom. Live wholeheartedly, laugh loud, love much, spread joy, be truthful, and give yourself to everything . You, who are already whole, can los e no thing . Your ego may fall from time to time, but you will not. Live big! Think of God, and method—act. Pick a role model like Jesus or Buddha and be brilliant. Choose to be happy, for . . . the person who is happy has a g ift for this world!
You didn't come here to add to t he madnes s o f this world. You came to be free. And yo u didn't come empty, for you're full of gifts to give. Therefore, don't hide your light now—let it shine. Don't hold back on love now—let it flow. Don't temper your joy—let it inspire. Don't deny your truth—let it be. Don't imprison your imagination—set it free. Don't reign in your creativity-let it g o. Don't mask you r playfulnes s-let it play. Don't res ist y our s piritlet it h eal. The call to live an d b e free is too powerful to resist forever. Be loving n ow and you will be free of fear; be joyful now and you will be free of pain; be peaceful now and you will free yourself from conflict; be forgiving now and you will be free of suffering; be present now and you will walk free. The "real key" to happiness, then, is that there is no k ey! This might seem like bad news, bu t fear not! The g ood news is that th ere is n o prison, no d oor, and no lock. Happiness is open all hou rs, and if you're willing to be op en to hap piness , then you can enjoy happine ss now!
Epilogue There Is No Future!
What so rt of an epilogue b egins with the titl e "There Is No Future!"—especiall y one in a book on hap piness ? Well, it's o fficial. The news is o ut—"Th ere is n o future!" Please und erstand that t his isn't a mess age of des pair; it is simply a st atement of truth . I repeat: "There is no future!" Therefore, don 't save y our bes t for the future. Don't w ait to give your b est to t he next job, th e next time, the next person, o r the next opportun ity. Give your bes t now! Some things never chang e. Your greates t op portunity for hap piness has been, will be, and st ill is . . . now. Unfortunately, you're often too b us y "pas trizing" and " futurizing" to s ee that everyth ing is h ere already. Give up the pas t, give up the future, and give in to happiness now! It really is all here. It must be, because you are here. The one piece of good n ews that is true forever i s . . . the present is here, now!
When in search o f wisd om, lingu ists often refer to roots and co nnections of words from prehistoric ci vilizations. They explore ancient languages su ch as Sanskrit, Aramaic, and Latin in order to unearth forgotten gems of wisd om. Well, much closer to ho me and t o the p resent time, it's helpful to note that in the English language t he word presen t has three distinct meanings —"here," "n ow," and "a g ift." Is th is only a coincidence, or could i t be th at the greatest gifts of life are always available to you h ere and now?! The word presen t also links to " presence," " being," and " being presen t." Here is anoth er clue. Give yourself to now! The future isn't your ans wer—it has no t rue power. Now, right here, is good enoug h for you . All you need to remember is that nothing is miss ing within you and no thing is missing here, now. Today is brand new. Today is not yet finish ed. Give today an other chan ce, then. The worl d has finished with yes terday if you have. And th e world can't tarnish your futu re if you do n ot. Be grat eful for today. Say "Thank you" to the p resent moment. Remember, the gift is . . . Gratitude is a gift in its elf. It inspires yo u to be op en, to b e presen t, and t o receive. Gratitude is go od medicine. One single serving of gratitude is o ften enou gh to open the heart, energiz e the bo dy, warm the bo nes , make your hair curl, put a sp ring in your s tep, s tart you humming, and make yo u s mile like a baby ! Also, it's impos sible to b e grateful and lonely, grateful and depressed, or grateful and unhappy. Let yo ur gratitude be u ncond itional, and allow yours elf to witness its miraculous powers. Decide to be grateful for everything, even th e st uff that feels " bad" and " wrong." Ju st b e grateful. And let you r gratitude reveal the hidden gifts in every s ituation. Before you practice grati tude, yo u're in the d ark and th ere appears to be very little to be g rateful for; once you begin, a new light dawns, s ometimes a brilliant light, a light as bright as heaven itself. 1 If it app ears that you have no thing to be grateful for, it's prob ably becaus e you 're not allowing y ourself to receive. Jus t becau se you don't receive do esn 't mean th ere is noth ing to receive. On the con trary, there's always so mething wonderful to receive. No matter how you feel, jus t be g rateful anyway, and let you rself be open and presen t to " other po ss ibilities." Never close y ours elf off. It's s o u nfair, isn't it, that the people who practice gratitude always have som ething to be ha ppy about! True gratitude arises sp ontan eous ly in us all; ho wever, when we realize that the true gifts come not from the world bu t from our own heart. In truth . . . happiness isn't something you can get your hands on; it's something you carry in your heart.
Wouldn't it be wonderful i f you could just be hap py! Imagine, jus t for today, giving up t he s truggle, slowing d own a little, cancelling you r plans, th rowing away you r "to do" list , and simply deciding to be h appy. Imagine telling you rself, "Jus t for today, I will not st ruggle"; and "Jus t for tod ay, I will not su ffer"; and " Just for today, I will not be in sacrifice"; and " Just for today, I will st op s earching." Imagine if you st opped everything an d s imply allowed you rself to be h appy. What a crazy th ough t! Imagine letting yourself be happy for no reaso n. For a whole 60 second s, right no w, jus t picture you rs elf allowing your happi ness to bub ble up all by itself. You're not meditating on h app iness, praying for it, affirming it, visualizing it, or asking for it—yo u're simply being ha ppy. My ch allenge to you is: "Do not s eek love to day; merely be loving. Do not s eek peace today; merely be p eaceful. Do no t seek joy t oday; merely b e joyful." I know it s ound s too simple, too s illy, too crazy—but, it might just work! Maybe you really can jus t be happy.
Ask not for love toda y; better still, pray that you mig ht b e the Presence of Love toda y. Ask not for rest tod ay; better still, pra y tha t you might be th e Presence of Rest tod ay. Ask not for kindness to day; better still, pray that you mig ht b e the Presence of Kindn ess tod ay. Ask n ot for victory today; better still, pra y tha t you might be th e Presence o f Victory to day. Ask not for laught er tod ay; better still, pra y tha t you might be th e Presence of Laughter to day. Ask not for peace tod ay, better still, pra y tha t you might be th e Presence of Peace today.
Acknowledgments Gratitude inspires joy. It is with great joy, therefore, that I make the following acknowledgments. First, to Miranda, acting midwife for the birth of this book! Next, to The Happiness Project team: Thank you, David Holden, for your "Mr. Big" love and s kill; th ank you, Ben Rensh aw, for your vision and su pport; thank you , Aliso n Atwell, for your joy and creativity; and thank you , Candy Cons table, for st epping into th e s pirit of this project so gracefully. Thank you t o Tom and Linda Carpenter. This book is s o th or ough ly ins pired by our friends hip. Thank you to Diane Berke and Tony Zito, for yo u are truly The Presence o f Love. Than k you to Avanti Kumar for the wake-up call! Thank you to Helen Schucman, the au thor o f A Course in Miracles. Thank you also to the other teachers of love and joy who have so en riched my life. They include Marika Borg, Deirdre Ahern, Graham Taylor-Chilton , Nick and An ne Davis, Mark Reynolds, Brian Little, Eddie an d Debb ie Shapiro, Nick Williams, Robert and A nne Redfern, Bob and Cathy Colman, Stephanie Bennett, Ian Patrick, and Jacqueline Heron. For this b ook in particul ar, thank yo u t o Robert Norton whose inspirational album, "Painting the Ocean," played continually while I wrote. Thank you again to Candy Cons table for your h elp with research. Thank yo u to my ed itor, Rowena Webb, for you r enthus iasm, sup port, and patience. Thank you also to Laura Brock-bank and Rachel C onno lly for the s ame. Thank you to my mother; my father; my family; my friends; my clients; my two cats, Great and Wonderful; and to everyone el se who has taught me about happiness and love!
Further Information and Notes Further Information
For further information on The Happiness Project and Success Intelligence—and for mor e details on (1) "Happiness NOW—the 8 Week Program" (made famous by the BBC-TV documentary How to be Happy) and (2) "Coaching Happiness "—the certified t raining p rogram—please co ntact The Happines s Project, Two Birches , The Harris Est ate, Laleham Reach, Chertsey, Surrey, KT16 8RP Tel : +44 (0)845 430 9236 Website: www.happiness.co.uk . E-mail:
[email protected]
Notes Chapter 1: Happy Already!
1 Sociologist James Gleick has written great the book FASTER—The on of abo Everything , Little Brown (1999). This bo ok catalogs in greatadetail m called any ingenious and insAccelerati ane attempts to sJust peed u putlife. 2 For a beautiful treati se on the principle of Atten tion, see Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Hyperion (1994). 3 The words joy waits on welcome, not o n time, are inspired by a passage in A Course in Miracles (Arkana, 1997), which reads: "Love waits on welcome, not on time, and the real world is but your welcome of what always was." (Text, p. 255). 4 The British pres s h as featured a han dful of articles in recent years o n: (1) happines s is a dy sfun ctional resp ons e to the world; an d (2) happiness leads to ineffectivenes s at work. Althoug h th e media has tried to make much o f this, there is v ery little real su pport for thes e ideas. 5 Herbert Spencer, the 19 th-century English philosoph er and autho r of The Principles of Psychology (1855), introduced two terms: "ob jective ps ychology," i.e., that which can b e obs erved; and "s ubjective psy chology," i.e., that which cann ot be ob served. His work insp ired Behav iorism and t he s tud y of externals . Also, for research o n measuring h appiness and su bjective well-being, s ee Socia l Indica tors of Well-Being: Americans' Perceptio ns of Life Quality by F. Andrews an d S. Withey, New York: Plenium (1976), and the QED "How to Be Happy" booklet, BBC (1997). 6 "Upanishads " are s piritual teachings from India, the o ldest of which were composed between 800 and 400 b.c. The Sanskrit word Upanishads means "s itting at the feet o f a Mas ter." In all, there are over 10 0 ancient Upanish ads that are still in print. The Mandaya Upan isha d is one of the most popu lar. There are many excellent t ranslations of thes e "sittings," one of which is The Upanishads, translated and selected by Juan Mascaro for Penguin Classics. 7 Read The Uses of Enchantment—t he Meani ng an d Importance of Fairy T ales by Bruno Bett leheim, Penguin Books (1975).
8 For a great antho logy of s acred poetry, read The Enlightened Heart, edited by Stephen Mitchell, Harper Perennial (1989). 9 See The Complete Work s of Robert Brownin g, edited by J. C. Berkey & Dooley, Ohio University Press (1996). 10 See Stress Busters by Robert Holden, Thorso ns (1998). 11 Many books have b een written on the works o f Sri Ramakri sh na. I would rec ommend The Gospel of Sri Ramak rishn a, translated by Swami Nikhila—nanda, edited by Joseph Campbell (1988); and Sayings of Sri Ramakrishna, Amra Press, M adras. Also look up "Sri Ramakrishna" on the Int ernet. 12 For a good overview of sacred scriptures and world religions , I recommend The Illustr ated Book of Sacred Scriptures, edited by Timothy Freke, Thorsons, (1998); The Complete Bo ok of World Mysti cism, Timoth y Freke, Piatkus (1977); and The World's Religio ns, Huston Smith, Harper San Francisco (1991). 13 A sp iritual faith can certainly enco urage g reat happ iness . See The Psychology of Happiness by M ichael Argy le, Methuen (1986); "Religious Involvement and Subjective Well-Being" by C. Ellison; Journal Of Health And S ocial Beha viour, 32, pp. 8099 (1991);Man 's Search for Mean ing by Viktor Frankl, Beacon Press (1962); and "Is There a Religious Factor in Health?" by J. Levin and P. Schiller, Journal of Relig ion And Health , 26, pp. 936 (1987). For further information abo ut sp iritual faith and perceptions of God, s ee A History o f God by Karen Armstrong, Harper Collins (1993). 14 A Course in Miracles is pu blish ed b y Pengu in Arkana. First published in 1976, the Course was s cribed, s omewhat reluctant ly, by Helen Schucman, a psychologist at Columbia University, New York, who one day she heard an inner voice that said, "This is a cou rse in miracles. Please take not e." At first s he resis ted, but with t he help of her co lleague, Bill Thetford, she li st ened to t he words dictated to her. A Course in Miracles is a remarkable self-st udy sy st em that combines perennial wisd om and sp iritual psycho logy principles. The book con sists of three parts —a text, a manual for teach ers, and a workbook with 365 less ons, on e for each day of the year. It emphasizes the daily practice of its principles, which include letting go of fear, removing the blocks to the awarenes s of love's presen ce, practicing miracle-mindednes s, participating in holy relations hips, an d experiencing
forgiveness. For further information on A Course in Miracles, i.e., newsletters, workshops, and mail order, contact The Miracle Network, 12a Barness Court, 6/8 Westbo urne Terrace, London W2 3UW, tel/fax: 0171 262 0209; Foun dation for A Cours e in Miracles, 1275 Tennanah Lake Road, Roscoe, New York, 12776-5905, (607) 498 4116; and, Miracle Distribution Center, 1141 East Ash Avenue, Fullerton, California 92831, tel: (714) 738 8380. 15 See Wordsworth , Complete Po etical Work s, edited by Thomas Hutchins on, University Press (1996). 16 See A Return to Love by M arianne Williamson, Thorsons, revised ed ition (1996). 17 See The Dhammapad a, translated b y Juan Mas caro, Penguin Class ics (1987). 18 See Season s of Your Heart: Prayers and Reflection s by Macrina Wiederkehr, HarperCollins, New York (1991). 19 See 10 above. 20 See Pyth ago ras an d Early Pythago rean ism, by J. Philip, University o f Toron to (1967). Chapter 2: Giving Upthe S earch
1 Eddie and Debbie Shapiro are ins pirational teachers of healing, s pirituality, and joy. They are the autho rs o f sev eral boo ks, including Meditat ion for Inner Peace: Discovering the Joy of Relaxa tio n an d True Happ iness, Piatkus (1997); an d Out of Your Min d, the Only Place t o Be, Element (1992). For further information on their workshops, contact 3 Norton Park Cottag es, Dartmout h, Devon TQ6 ONH, U.K. 2 In more modern t imes, t he " purs uit of hap piness " was formerly ad vocated in the American Declaration of Independ ence, where it is wri tten: "We hold these truth s to be self-evident , that all men are created equa l, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienab le rights, that among these are lif e, liberty , and the pursuit of happiness." This Declaration did not cau se t he "pu rsuit of happines s" ; it merely reflected "o ut loud" what mos t of the world was already thinking, and is still thinking. 3 When p eople are asked what they n eed to be happ ier, the mos t common ans wer is: "More money." There is now overwhelming research that s hows t hat more money d oes not g uarantee more happines s. See The Sense of Well-being in America by Ang us Campbell, McGraw-Hill, New York (1981); "Happines s o f the Very Wealthy" by Ed Diener et al, Social Indicators, 16, pp. 263-74 (1985); and "Does Money Buy Happiness?" by R. Easterlin, Public Interest, 30, pp. 3-10 (1973). 4 See The Pursuit of Happiness—Discovering The Path way To Fulfillment, Well-being , and Enduring Persona l Joy by David G. Myers, Ph. D., Avon Books, New York (1993). 5 There is a large bo dy o f evidence that sh ows th at exercise can enco urage mental fitnes s, h armony, and well-being. See "Person ality Correlates of Phys ical Fitnes s" by J. Hogan, Jou rnal of Persona lity and Social Psycho log y, 56, pp. 284288 (1989); "The Role of Aerobic Exercise in the Treatment of Depression" by E. Martinsen; Stress Medicine, 3, pp. 93100 (1987); an d " Phys ical Activity and Mental Health in USA and Canada" by T. Stephens , Preventive Medicine, 17, pp. 3547 (1988). 6 See Mental Health & Illness—The Nutri tio n Con nection by Patrick Holford & Carl Pfeiffer, ION Press (1996). For further information, contact the Institute of Optimum Nutrition, Blades Court, Deodar Road, London SW15 2NU. 7 See "Th e Effects o f 72 Hours of Sleep Loss on Ps ych ological Variables" b y M. Mikulincer et al, British Journal of Psycho log y, 80, pp. 145162 (1989). 8 See Livin g Wond erfully: A Joyful Guide to Conscious Creative Livin g—for Today! by Robert Holden, Thorso ns (1994). 9 For an excellent o verview of ps ychot herapy an d ps ychology today, I recommend t he Handboo k o f Individ ual Therapy, edited by Windy Dryden, Sage Publications (1996); Innovative Thera py in Brita in, edited by John Rowan and Windy Dryden, Open University Press (1988); and The Theory and Practice of Counsel ing Psycholog y, by Richard Nelson Jo nes , Cassell (1990). 10 For an excellent introdu ction to Rumi's work, I recommend The Essential Rumi, translations by Coleman Barks with John Moyne, Harper San Francisco (1995). 11 See How to Be Hap py by Jo hn Pepper, Gateway Books (1992). 12 For more information on the development of the Laughter Clinic, read Laug hter, the Best Medicine by Robert Holden, Thorsons (1998). 13 For more information on worksh ops , profess ional training, bo oks, and other p roducts , contact The Happiness Project. 14 Copies of th e QED How to Be Happ y DVD and program booklet are available from The Happiness Project. Chapter 3: Being Good Enough
1 The relations hip between happines s an d high s elf-esteem is well documented in psy chology res earch, as is the relationsh ip between depress ion and low self-esteem. Happiness and s elf-perception go hand in hand. See The Psycho log y of Happiness by Michael Argy le, Methuen (1986); "Depres sion and Components o f Self-Punitivenes s: High Self-Standards , Self-Criticisms and Overgeneralization" b y C. S. Carver et al, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psy cho logy, 92, pp. 330-337 (1983); "Increas ing Rates of Depres sion" by G. L. Klerman et al, JAMA, 261, pp. 229-35 (1989); "Th e Chang ing Rate o f Major Depres sion" by G. L. Klerman, JAMA, 268, pp. 3098-3105 (1992); "Living Conditions in the Twentieth Century" by D. J. Smith in Psycho log ical Disorders in Young People by M . Rutter et al, Jon Wiley, London (1995); an d Social Trends by D. J. Smith, HMSO (1997).
2 For more on th e relations hip between happ iness and ach ievement, s ee Happy People by Jo nathan Freedman, New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich (1978);The Sense o f Well-being in America by Ang us Campbell, McGraw-Hill, New York (1981); and Happi ness Is an Inside Job by Jo hn Powell, Tabor Press (1989). 3 For more on t he relations hip between hap piness , circumst ance, and attitude, s ee "Environmental and Dispos itional Influences on Well Being" by Costa et al, British Journal of Psychology, 78, pp . 299-306 (1987); " Perso nality Correlates of Subjective Well-Being" b y R. Emmons and E. Diener; Personality and Social Psycholog y Bulletin, 11, pp. 89-97 (1985); "Dispos itional Optimism and Phy sical Well-Being" b y M. Scheier and C. Carver, Journal of Persona lity, 55, pp. 169-210 (1987);The Socia l Psycholog y of Subjective Well-Being, edited by Fritz Strack et al, Pergamon Press (1990); 15 Principles for Achievin g Happiness by A. D. Hart, Dallas: Word (1988); and " Happines s Is a Decision" by M arianne Williamson, Simon and Schuster Audio Cassette Series (1990). 4 See Para dise Lost by Jo hn M ilton , Longman (1971). 5 For more on the con nection between happ iness and loving relationsh ips, see relevant chapters in Britain on the Couch -Why We're Unhapp ier Than We Were in t he 19 50s-Despite Being Richer by Oliver James, Century Books (1997); Happy People by Jonathan Freed man, Harcourt Brace Jovanavich, New York (1978); The Psychology of Happiness by Michael Argyle, Methuen (1986); " The Changing Relationsh ip of Marital Status to Reported Happiness " b y N. Glenn and C. Weaver, Jou rnal of Marria ge an d th e Family, 50, pp. 317-324 (1988); and "Th e Effect of M arriage on the Well-Being of Adu lts" by W. Gove et al, Journal o f Family Issues, 11, pp. 4-35 (1990) . 6 Social Compariso n Theo ry was d eveloped b y many ps ychologists , including Leonard Fes tinger, in the 1950s. In the last few decades a large body o f psycho logy and s ociology resear ch has sho wn quite concl usively that, un less you are happy with yo urself, you will not b e happy with what yo u do , where you are, what you have, and who y ou are with. For the relations hip between hap piness , wealth, and so cial compariso n, see "Happiness of the Very Wealthy" by E. Diener et al, Social Indicators, 16, pp. 263-274 (1985); "Will Raising the Incomes o f All Increase th e Happiness of All?" by R. A. Easterlin, Journal Of Econ omic Behavior an d Organization , 27, pp. 35-47, (1995), "A Theory of Social Comparison Process es" by L. Fest iger, Human Rela tio ns, 7, pp. 117-40 (1954); "Social Compariso n an d Depres sion" by F. Gibbon s, Journal of Personality an d So cial Psycholo gy, 51, pp. 140-148 (1986); "Depression and Anxiety in Relation to Social Status" by J. M. Murphy et al, Archi ves of General Psychiatry, 48, pp. 223-229 (1991); "Phy sical Att ractiveness, Need for App roval, Social Self-Esteem and Maladjustment" by K. E. O'Grady, Journal of Social and Clin ical Psycholo gy, 8, pp. 62-69 (1989); " Social Compariso n and Negative SelfEvaluation: An App lication to Depression" by S. R. Swallow et al, Clinical Psychology Review, 8, pp. 55-76 (1987). 7 See The Bible, Matthew 16:26. 8 See Aldous Huxley, A Biog raph y, by Syb ille Bedford, Papermac (1993). 9 The work of American p sy chiatrist Gerald Jampolsky offer s a clear, concise introduction to forgivenes s as a too l for self-healing and a cho ice for wholenes s. His At titudinal Healing program is inspired in particular by A Course in Miracles. See Goodbye to Guilt: Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness, by G. Jampolsky, Bantam Books (1985). Chapter 4: Practicing Acceptance
1 Contact The Happiness Project for relevant publications . 2 See Laug hter, a Theolog ical Reflection by Karl-Josef Kus chel, SCM Press (1994). Also, for excellent reports on the relationsh ip between health, happ iness , guilt, and s imple pleasures, con tact ARISE-Ass ociates for Research into t he Science of Enjoyment, P. O. Box 11446, London SW18 5ZH. 3 See Guilt Is th e Teacher, Love Is th e Lesson by Jo an Borys enko, Ph. D., Warner Books (1990). 4 For a good introdu ction to world mythology, see Gods and Godd esses -130 Deities and Tales fr om World Myt holo gy, general edito r Elizabet h Hallam, Blandford Press (1996). 5 The work of Matthew Fox and Creation Centered Spiri tuality focuses on the co ncept of srcinal bless ing. See Spirituality-Liberating Gifts for the Peoples of Earth by M atthew Fox, HarperCollins (1991).
Creation
6 See The Bible, John 15:11. 7 See The Bible, Matthew 5:14. 8 See The Bible, John 10:34. 9 See "The Protestant Work Ethic As a Cultural Phenomenon" by L. Giorgi et al, European Journal of Social Psycho log y, 20, pp. 499-517(1990). 10 See Present Moment , Wond erful Moment by Th ich Nhat Hanh, Rider Books (1993). This is o ne of an excellent series of books p ublish ed by Rider Books. 11 British Telecom and the " BT Forum" h as collated excellent research o n th e chan ging face of work and s ociety in Europe in th e 1980s an d 1990s. For furth er information, cont act BT Forum, Telepho ne Hou se, 2-4 Temple Aven ue, Londo n EC4Y OHL. 12 Listen to "Relaxation for Happines s" by Ben Renshaw (1997), available throug h Th e Happiness Project.
13 See End the Struggle a nd Dan ce with Life by Sus an Jeffers Ph. D., Hodder & Stoug hto n (1996). 14 See Psycholo gical a nd Biolo gical Ap proaches to Emotion , edited by N. Stein et al, Erlbaum Publishers (1990), which includes a chapt er on " The Influence o f Positive and Negative Aff ect on Cognitive Organization" b y A. Isen; Emotio nal And S ocial Ju dgments, edited by J. Forgas , Pergamon Press (1991), and " Happiness and Helpfulnes s" by D. Myers , in Social Psychology, second edition, McGraw-Hill (1987). Chapter 5: Living Unconditi onally
1 For an interest ing read on b eing, flow, and hap piness , read Flow-the Psycholog y of Happin ess by M ihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Rider Books (1992). 2 See Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders by A. T. Beck, Interna-tional Universities Press , New York (1976); The Cognitive Therapy of Depression by A. T. Beck et al, Guildford Press, New York (1979); The Psychology of Personal Constructs- Vols. I and II, Norton , New York (1955); Feel Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns , Avon (1980); Learned Optimism by M artin Seligman, Alfred A. Knopf Publishers (1991). 3 See A Guide to Personal Happiness by Dr Albert Ellis & Dr Irving Becker, Wilshire Book Company (1982). 4 See "Joy Is Not a Carrot" by Linda Carpenter, Miracle Work er, 19 (Nov/ Dec 1997).Mira cle Work er is pub lished b y The Miracle Network, 12a Barness Court, 6/8 Wes tbo urne Terrace, Londo n W2 3UW, tel/fax: 0171262 0209. 5 See Britain on the Couch -Why We're Unha ppier Than We Were in the 19 50s-Despite Being Richer, Oliver James, Century Books (1997). 6 See How to Have What You Want by Timothy M iller, Ph. D., Henry Holt and Company (1995). 7 See Happiness Is an Inside Job by Jo hn Powell, Tabor Press (1989); Brita in on the Couch-Why We're Unha ppier Than We Were in the 195 0s-Despite Being Richer, Oliver James, Century Books (1997); The Pursuit of Happiness-Discovering the Pathway to Fulfillment, Well-being, and Enduring Personal Joy by David G. Myers , Ph. D., Avon Books, New York (1993); and 15 Principles for Achieving Happiness by A. D. Hart, Word, Dallas (1988). 8 For studies on the relationsh ip between age and happiness, s ee Happy People by Jo nathan Freedman, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, New York (1978); "Age and Subjective Wellbeing" by W. Stock et al, Evaluation Studies: Revie w Annual, 8 (1983); "Life-Course and Satisfaction, Equal for Everyone?" by J. J. Latten, Social Indicators Research, 21, pp. 599-610 (1989); and The Sense o f Well-being in America by Ang us Campbell, McGraw-Hill, New York (1981). 9 See Wordsworth , Complete Po etical Work s, edited by Thomas Hutchins on, University Press (1996). 10 See How Proust Can Cha nge Your Life by Alain De Botton, Picador (1997). 11 See The Joyful Christ: The Healing Power of Humor by Cal Samra, Harper San Francisco (1985). 12 See Quotati ons to Cheer You Up When the World Is Getting You Down by Allen Klein, Wings Boo ks (1991). 13 See Lessons of St. Francis of Assisi by Jo hn Talbot, NAL-Dutto n (1995). 14 See Dialo gue o n Awak ening by Tom Carpenter, Carpent er Press (1992). For further information on workshop s, bo oks, and cas set tes by Tom and Linda Carpenter, contact The Carpenters ' Press , P. O. Box 3437, Princeville, Hawaii 96722. 15 Many of the convers ations between Robert and Tom and Linda Carpenter are availabl e on CD, including My Brother; My Self, Freedo m from Projectio n, Happiness, and Retu rnin g to Awaren ess. Contact The Happiness Project. 16 See Laug hter, the Best Medicin e by Robert Holden, Thorso ns (1998). Chapter 6: Heali ng Unhappines s
1 See Weight Loss for the Mind by Stu art Wilde, Hay Hous e (1995). 2 See "Social Compariso n an d Depress ion" b y F. Gibbons , Jou rnal of Persona lity and So cial Psycholo gy, 51, pp. 140148 (1986); and "Effects of Upward and Downward Social Comparison on Mood States" by F. Gibbons and M. Gerard, Journal of Social and Clin ical Psycholo gy, 8, pp. 14-31 (1989). 3 See Tao Te Chi ng by Lao Tzu, translated by D. C. Lau, Penguin Classics (1963). 4 See "Exploring the Limits of Self-Reports and Reasoned Action" by D. Hessing et al, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54, pp . 405-413 (1988); an d "Th e Construct Validity of Subjective Well-Being Meas ures" by M. Okun and W. Stock, Jou rnal of Community Psycho log y, 15, pp. 481-92 (1987). 5 From Solitude by Ella Wh eeler Wilcox (1855-1919). 6 For more on the q ues tion of "drugs or therapy," s ee Britain on the Couch -Why We're Unha ppier Than We Were in the 1950s-Despite Being Richer by Oliver James, Century Books (1997), "Combined Pharmacot herapy and Psy cho therapy for Depression" by D. W. Mann ing et al, American Psychiatric Press (1990); Evolutionary Psych iatry by A. Steven s et al, Routledge, Londo n (1996); and " The Treatment o f Depress ion: Prescribing Patterns of Antidepress ant M edications " b y J. M. Donoghue et al, British Jou rnal of Psychiatry, 168, pp. 164-168 (1996). 7 See Hermann Hesse: Pilg rim of Crisis-A Biog raph y by Ralph Freedman, Cape Pub lishers (1979). 8 See The Bible, John 16:24.
9 See Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Sus an Jeffers, Ph. D., Rider (1997). 10 See Love Always Answers by Diane Berke, Crossroad (1994). Chapter 7: Lots of Love!
1 See If It Hurts, It Isn't Love by Chuck Spezzano, Arthur James Pu blishers , revised ed ition (1996). 2 For a beautiful collection of insp irational sayings on love and relations hips, s ee A Lively Flame by Eileen Campbell, Thorsons (1992). 3 For more on individualism and well-being, see "Individualism and Col-lectivism" by H. Triandis et al, Journal of Person ality an d Social Psycholo gy, 54, pp. 323-328 (1988);Reach ing Out: The Three Movements Of the Spiritual Life by Henri Nouwen, Doubleday Books (1975); Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in America n Life by R. Bellah et al, University of California Press (1996); Lone-liness: A Sourceboo k o f Current Theory, Research, an d Therapy, edited by L. Peplau and Daniel Perlman, Wiley, New York (1982); "Psych ological Individualism and Romantic Love" b y Karen Dion an d Kenn eth Dion, Jou rnal of Social Behavior and Personality, 6, pp. 17-33 (1991); "Pressures of Modern Life Bring Increased Importance to Friendship" by L. DiStefano, Poll Monthly No. 294 1990); Individualism and Collectivism U. Kim, Publishers (1994); by(March A. Macfarlane, Blackwell, Oxford (1978); Socialby bySage D. J. The OriginsGallup of English Individualism Trends Smith, HMSO (1997). 4 See Joh n Donn e: Complete Poetry & Selected Prose, Century Hutchinson (1994). 5 See The Gentle Smile: Practicin g Oneness in Daily Life by Diane Berke, Cros sroad (1995). 6 See Willia m Blake: Complete Poetry & Prose, University of California (1992). Chapter 8: Traveli ng Light
1 For an excellent introduction to A Course in Miracles, see Gifts from A Cou rse in Mi racles, edited by Frances Vaughan and Roger Walsh, Tarcher/Putnam Books (1995). 2 See "The Need t o Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human M otivation" by R. F. Baumeister et al, Psychological Bulletin, 117, pp. 497-529 (1995); "Lonelines s and Social Cont act" by W. H. Jones, Journal of Social Psycholog y, 113, pp. 295-296 (1981); an d " Resp ons es to Social Exclusion: Social Anxiety, Jealous y, Loneliness, Depression, and Low Self-Esteem" by M. R. Leary, Journal of Social and Cl inical Psychology, 9, pp. 221-229 (1990). 3 See Bein g Peace by Th ich Nhat Hanh, Rider Books (1990). 4 See The Carl Ro gers Reader, edited by Howard Kirshen baum and Valerie Land Henderso n, Cons table (1990). 5 See Good Advice for a Happ y Life , edited by Armand Eisen, Ariel Books (1995). 6 See Carl Jun g: Selected Writing s, introduced by Ant hony Storr, Fontana (1983). 7 An excellent co llection of insp irational sayings on s ilence and so litude can be found in A Fabu lou s Gift by Eileen Campbell, Tho rso ns (1994). Epil ogue: There Is No Future!
1 See 14,000 Things to Be Happy About
by Barbara Ann Kipfer, Workman Publishing (1990).
About the Author Robert Holden, Ph. D.,is the Director of The Happiness Project and Success Intelligence. His innovat ive work on happiness and s uccess h as been featur ed on Oprah and in two major BBC-TV documentaries, The Happiness Formula and How to Be Happy, shown in 16 countries to more than 30 million television viewers.
Robert is a cons ultant and co ach to leading b rands and o rganizations s uch as Dove, Virgin, The Body Shop, and Comic Relief. He gives p ublic lectures worldwide and has sh ared the st age with Deepak C hopra, Wayne Dyer, Patch Adams, an d Paul McKenna. He's the aut hor of ten b est -selling books, including Success Intelligence and Shift Happens! Website: www.happiness.co.uk
Hay House Titles of Related Interest by Est her and Jerry Hicks (The Teachings o f Abraham™) ASK AND IT IS GIVEN: Learning to Manifest Your Desires,
CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS-CHANGE YOUR LIFE: Living the Wis dom of the Tao, by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE UNIVERSE: Straight Talk about Illusions, Past Lives, Religion, Sex, Politics, and the Miracles of Forgiveness, by Gary R. Renard EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO FEEL GO(O)D, by Candace B. Pert, Ph. D. KICK UPYOUR HEELS . . . BEFORE YOU'RE TOO SHORT TO WEAR THEM: How to Live a Long, Healthy , Juicy Life , by Loretta LaRoche THE POWER OF INFINITE LOVE & GRATITUDE: An Evoluti onary Journe y to Awake ni ng Your Spirit, by Dr. Darren R. Weissman THE PRESENT MOMENT: 365 Daily Affirmations, by Louise L. Hay YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT: Proven Strategies for Inner and Outer Success, by Michael Neill
The titles above are available at your local bookstore, or may be ordered by visiting: Hay House USA: www.hayhouse.com ® Hay House Australia:www.hayhouse.com.au Hay House UK:www.hayhouse.co.uk Hay House South Africa: www.hayhouse.co.za Hay House India:www.hayhouse.co.in
We hope you enjoyed this Hay House book. If you'd like to receive a free catalog featuring additional Hay House books and products, or if you'd like information about the Hay Foundation, please contact:
Hay House, Inc. P.O. Box 5100 Carlsbad, CA 92018-5100 (760) 431-7695 or (800) 654-5126 (760) 431-6948 (fax) or (800) 650-5115 (fax) www.hayhouse.com® • www.hayfoundation.org
Published and distributed in Australia by: Hay House Australia Pty. Ltd., 18/36Ralph St., Alexandria NSW 2015 • Phone: 612-9669-4299 •
Fax: 612-9669-4144 • www.hayhouse.com.au Published and distributed in the United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd., 292B Kensal Rd., London W10 5BE • Phone: 44-20-8962-1230 • Fax: 44-20-8962-1239 • www.hayhouse.co.uk
Published and distributed in the Republic of South Africa by: Hay House SA (Pty), Ltd., P. O. Box 990, Witkoppen 2068 Phone/Fax: 27-11-467-8904 •
[email protected] o.za • www.hayhouse.co.za
Published in India by: Hay House PublishersIndia, Muskaan Complex, Plot No. 3, B-2, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi 110 070 • Phone: 91-11-4176-1620 Fax: 91-11-4176-1630 • www.hayhouse.co.in
Distributed in Canada by: Raincoast, 9050 Shaughnessy St., Vancouver, B.C. V6P 6E5 • Phone: (604) 323-7100 • Fax: (604) 323-2600 • www.r aincoast.com
Tune in to HayHouseRadio.com® for the best in inspirational talk radio featuring top Hay House authors! And, sign up via the Hay House USA Website to receive the Hay House online newsletter and stay informed about what's going on with your favorite authors. You'll receive bimonthly announcements about Discounts and Offers, Special Events, Product Highlights, Free Excerpts, Giveaways, and more! www.hayhouse.com®
