The Whole Nine Hours By Javier Torregrosa With Contributions by Nicolas Torregrosa
Based on a Story by Justin Roiland & Dan Harmon
February 2016 (c)
[email protected]
INT. SMITH’S GARAGE - DAY MORTY walks in, slightly startles RICK. Rick sets down a soldering iron. MORTY Hey Rick, what you up to? Rick watches a 3D monitor of another RICK2 in the garage. RICK (Whispers) Shhh Morty, come here. MORTY Not again Rick. other Ricks?
Are you spying on
RICK Morty, would I do such a thing? MORTY Yeah. RICK Stop asking stupid questions and stand next to me. Rick grabs his portal gun, waits, then sees RICK2 walk outside the garage. Rick uses his PORTAL GUN, opens a portal into Rick2’s garage, then uses his hand to retrieve a gadget from Rick2’s worktop. The portal closes. Rick punches Morty’s shoulder, then holds Morty close to him. MORTY Ah! RICK (Whispers) Shhh. Rick looks at another monitor, that displays life signs. Only Morty’s life signal displays, masking Rick’s life. At the same time, Rick2 looks at his monitor, flicks a switch, changing channels.
2.
A relieved Rick sets the gadget on the worktop. MORTY Why are you stealing from other Ricks? Rick attaches the stolen gadget to a DEVICE already on his worktop. RICK You can’t steal from yourself Morty, it’s working smart, borrowing. Rick picks up the enlarged device, points to his half. RICK I made this half, he made the other half. Why waste a day making this when I can just work half the time and get the same results? MORTY (Ponders) Ahhh, you’re right Rick, I never thought of it like that. RICK Cheers Morty for the positive feedback *burp*. MORTY Won’t the other Rick find you? Rick puts the device into his side pocket. He pulls down a screen, points to the display. RICK All Ricks use a radioisotope to track their work. I used you to mask the element, disguising me and the gadget. MORTY Oh ok. Mom said to see if you wanted lunch? Rick looks at his analog watch. O’CLOCK.
It’s stopped at THREE
3.
RICK Why would I? *burp* o’clock.
It’s three
MORTY Rick, it’s twelve noon. coming or not?
Are you
RICK One moment. Rick presses a RED BUTTON, the ground opens up, a strange damaged SPACESHIP rises up. Ballsacks! on?
RICK What the fuck is going
Rick points to the ship. RICK I told you never to go for midnight joyrides you little shit. Where’s my ship Morty?! MORTY Don’t call me that, how would I know? I never know what you get up to during the night, I’ve got school, remember? RICK School is for losers. Rick opens the door of the spaceship. paraphernalia fall out. RICK You coming Morty? on the way.
Cans, bottles,
We’ll get pizza
MORTY Sure. They enter the ship. INT. STRANGE SPACESHIP - DAY A PHOTO of Rick and a mystery RED HEAD, sits on the dashboard.
4.
RICK Who the fuck is this? Morty crosses his arms. MORTY You owe me an apology. RICK What? MORTY You accused me of stealing your car! RICK Jesus Christ I’m sorry. You really need to work on what’s important Morty. Un-wedgie your ass crack and chill. Rick pulls his sleeve back, presses his watch phone. RICK Car, where are you? INT. RICK’S SPACECAR - DAY The car’s dashboard’s computer sensors turn on. flashes. CAR Hello Rick, I am where you left me. INT. STRANGE SPACESHIP - DAY RICK You little shit. are you?
Where the fuck
INT. RICK’S SPACECAR - DAY CAR You know I cannot reveal my location. You’ve stated many times you’re a genius, you don’t need to ask, you know.
A RED LIGHT
5.
RICK (O.S.) Listen fuckwit, I got wasted last night and can’t remember. You know where this signal is coming from. Come here. The car’s MONITOR displays Rick’s voice wave, alongside a POLYGRAPH. The word ANALYZING flashes. A few moment’s later. RESULT: GOVERNMENT HELD CAR Rick, I’m unable to leave, you know this. INT. STRANGE SPACESHIP - DAY RICK You dumb excuse for an operating system, you’re not fucking *burp* Windows. When I get a hold of you, I’m going to format your drive andRick’s CAR hangs up on him. RICK You bastard! Now I’m really going to do it. Rick closes the door. RICK Spaceship, on. Nothing happens, he shakes his head. RICK Great, not even voice activated. Must be a Ford. INT. SMITH’S LIVING ROOM - DAY SUMMER sits on the couch watching television. channels. BETH and JERRY stand at the door.
She flicks
6.
BETH When you see your grandpa and Morty, tell them their lunch is in the oven. SUMMER Okay. JERRY We’ll be back after midnight. SUMMER Okay. JERRY Aren’t you curious where we’re going? SUMMER Not really. Just don’t wake me when you’re back. Beth opens the front door. BETH Let’s go Jerry. late sweetie.
Don’t stay up too
SUMMER Okay. JERRY (To Beth) Yes hunny. It’s going to be one magical day. Beth and Jerry leave. Summer stops changing channels. SUMMER What the fuck!? An advert comes on, Rick and Morty stand in a queue outside a PIZZA place. Summer grabs the GALAXY PHONE from behind the couch seat cushions.
7. INT. TELEVISION, ADVERT - NIGHT A MAN whose chin’s so large he uses a wheelbarrow to help walk, looks into the camera. CHIN CHINNY I’m Chin Chinny here to tell you I’ve got the best pizza’s in the galaxy, no the universe! I’ve got thin pizzas, large, square, greasy, cold, hot, and old pizzas. We’ve got all different types here! Chin Chinny walks towards a massive queue of ALIENS outside his PIZZERIA. A sign on the ground states, ’Soup of the day = BEER’. EXT. CHIN CHINNY’S PIZZERIA - NIGHT He approaches Rick and Morty who stand at the front. A SIGN FLASHES SIGN:
CONGRATULATIONS / Three Hour Wait CHIN CHINNY Hello sir, out of all pizza restaurants, takeaways, and frozen shit, why did you pick us? RICK I’m not here for the quality if that’s what you’re angling for, you’re the cheapest. Also, if I find one fly on any slice, I get the pizza for free. Just look at this place.
Rick jesters towards the restaurants poor hygiene standards. Dead flies litter the inside of the windowsill. INT. CHIN CHINNY’S PIZZERIA - NIGHT A FLY stands on it’s hind legs, knocks on the closed window. It struggles for breath. FLY (Erratic) Help me! Can’t breath. Ate something really bad. Oh my god this place is a death trap.
8.
EXT. CHIN CHINNY’S PIZZERIA - NIGHT RICK There’s a good chance pizza’s on you! *burp* Rick’s phone rings. RICK Hold on. (He answers) Hello? INT. SMITH’S LIVING ROOM - DAY SUMMER Rick, did you know you’re in an advert. EXT. CHIN CHINNY’S PIZZERIA - NIGHT RICK An advert? *burp* What the hell! (Looks to the camera) Aids! He hangs up. Chin Chinny grins for the camera, brings out a pad of VOUCHERS. CHIN CHINNY Sir, with this voucher you’ll receiveRICK (To Chin Chinny) Not interested, I’ve lost my appetite. *burp* He walks off. RICK Come on Morty let’s go. Can’t let the government know I was here. MORTY Aw Rick, we’re at the front of the queue, I’m really hungry.
9.
RICK I’ve got Pop-Tarts in the car, let’s go. MORTY You’ve had Pop-Tarts all along? EXT. FUNFAIR - EVENING Jerry’s hands cover Beth’s eyes. JERRY Almost there. BETH Jerry I know where we are. JERRY You do? BETH I hear screams of teenagers on rides with questionable health and safety records. Jerry uncovers Beth’s eyes. JERRY Surprise! Beth looks around, stoned-faced. JERRY (Unsure) Surprise honey, remember this place? It’s where I took you on our first date. BETH I remember. There’s a five star restaurant here? JERRY Em no. It’s just rides, popcorn, over sized toys.
10.
INT. RICK’S SPACECAR - DAY Rick flies over a heavily built up city. The place looks like an overly political correct civilization on overdrive. MORTY Rick, what is this place? RICK It’s like having to wear protection to use a bouncy castle, politically correct madness on cocaine. Pointless. All the ALIENS are in wheelchairs. MORTY Why are we here? RICK Free samples! Jiblets, concentrated rectumcranium juice. *burp* Taste fucking great on pancakes. As Rick flies up the main street, the crowds of ALIENS heavily build up. All the Aliens are CYCLOPS who use WHEELCHAIRS due to their balance disorder. MORTY Looks pretty busy, are you sure they’ll be any free samples left? RICK I fucking hate queues. Lazy bastards, sitting there all pompous, look at me roll. *burp* Fuckers. Rick flies past a DISABLE BAY, marked by a symbol of a HUMAN standing up, located near the front of a HUGE WAREHOUSE. He stops, hovers over the front of the queue, the ALIENS look up, panic, jump out of their wheelchairs, some crash to the ground. Rick lands on top of some unlucky Alien’s legs crushed under the impact.
11. RICK Jiblets! MORTY Maybe you should let me drive Rick. RICK Maybe you should shut your fucking mouth. EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY Rick steps out of the spaceship. He sees a lot of ANGRY FACES. Grabs his gun, slowly takes it out. RICK We don’t want any heroes, don’t come any closer or else someone’s getting a flat tire. And with so many of you fuckers, your auto repair service I know just sucks ass. *burp* The Aliens retreat, roll back a few yards. MORTY We’re sorry, please don’t kill us. Rick puts his gun back, drinks from his flask. RICK (Dismissive) No we’re not. *burp* MORTY Rick! Rick turns around, ready to enter the WAREHOUSE. RICK Whatever he says. MORTY One of these days Rick these aliens aren’t going to be so forgiving. RICK Bunch of pussies. Rick points to the sky.
12.
RICK Word of warning, this planet’s ecosystem is weird. Mother nature here just wants to look after her people. Fruit loop. MORTY I don’t understand. RICK I didn’t expect you to. Just don’t think of things you want. Only things you need. MORTY Like what? RICK For example, grandpa wants a red head. A RED HEAD falls from the sky, dies instantly in front of them. What the?! poor lady.
MORTY This is terrible.
That
RICK Relax Morty, this planet’s dangerous. Never think what you want. MORTY Why would mother nature do this? It’s crazy! RICK I guess it stops people indulging in crap or something like that. This planet’s a real bore. It’s like watching late night television on CBS. A CHILD stares at Rick and Morty. off her Child. RINGET (To Son) Don’t stare it’s rude.
The Child’s MOTHER tells
13.
BOBBATCHALETS I’ve never seen walkies before. RINGET Don’t call them that, they’re wheelchair challenged. Rick and Morty stand at the front of the queue. His car giving them space between themselves and the rest of the Aliens. An ALIEN, SANKIE, stands guard at the front of the entrance. Sankie, looks like a round green reptilian with a flatulence problem. Every time it farts, like a slug, leaves behind a spongy trail. EXT. FUNFAIR - EVENING Jerry has again covered Beth’s eyes. They stand outside two queues that are side by side. One queue leads to the TUNNEL OF LOVE. The other queue takes them on the HOUSE OF HORRORS. JERRY You’re going to love this. (Laughs giddily) With a hand on her hip, stuff toy under the other arm. BETH (Nonplussed) Really. A freaky looking WITCH covered in warts, stands at the entrance of the Tunnel of Love. A cute BLONDE wearing a red dress, holding roses, stands at the entrance of the House of Horrors. The CROWD hides the Witch. cackles at Jerry.
She jumps out, arms up aloft,
WITCH Argh, you look tasty.
14.
JERRY Oh my goodness. Distracted, he takes Beth down the House of Horrors queue. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Sankie ushers Rick and Morty inside. RICK Wubba lubba dub dub! INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY The number of ALIENS inside outnumbers the huge queue outside. RICK Aw shit. MORTY (Sighs) Oh Jesus not again. RICK (Angry) I fucking hate fucking queues. INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, CORRIDOR - NIGHT Jerry lifts his hands. JERRY Surprise honey. Beth looks down the dark corridor poorly lit by candles and moonlight. Water droplets splashes into a puddle in the distance, echos, breaks the eerie silence. BETH For what? What is this suppose to be, a joke? JERRY Don’t you remember, this is the first ride we tried.
15.
BETH It was the tunnel of love you dope. Beth walks ahead. BETH Come on. Jerry looks around, screams emanate from a room next to him. The door shakes, picture window rattles. JERRY Maybe we should go back? He looks back, a GROUP OF TEENAGERS gawk at Jerry. He scurries after Beth. JERRY Wait up honey. INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY An ALIEN with multiple arms and legs ushers Rick and Morty to the counter. BRASHINJER DINGBELLS Next! Everything the Alien touches leaves a sticky black ink mark. Her white counter no longer shows. She lifts a piece of paper that’s stuck down. BRASHINJER DINGBELLS Fill this in. This lets us know you’ve read the terms and conditions, and that you’re fully aware this free sample may cause blindness, irritable bowel syndrome, alopecia, eczema, and long periods of blackouts. Rick fills in the form. MORTY Should you be filling that in? RICK Out here you don’t ask questions. You just do.
16.
Rick hands back the form. Brashinjer Dingbells stamps the form, then pushes over a huge pile of JIBLET JUICE. *burp*
RICK Thanks.
BRASHINJER DINGBELLS Enjoy and please come back again, normal price three ninety nine smegs. INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, CORRIDOR - NIGHT At the end of the corridor an ARROW points to an open door, to the right. BETH Come on Jerry, lets get this over and done with. JERRY Oh I don’t know, should we be following these arrows? You don’t know the trap it’s leading us into. Jerry looks the other direction. An inverted mirror reflects a sinister Jerry back, elongated head, eyebrows, eyes, and nose all pointy. Mouth revealing sharp pointy teeth. Sinister laughs echoes from the mirror. JERRY Ahh, stop leaving me behind Beth. INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, ROOM A - NIGHT A MANNEQUIN falls from the ceiling. Jerry hides behind Beth. JERRY Watch out! A stone-faced Beth turns to Jerry.
17. BETH Really? You know these places aren’t designed to kill you. JERRY Why do they have to make them look so realistic?! Beth rolls her eyes, shakes her head. BETH It doesn’t have a face, just a few limbs you doughnut. Beth walks on, arms folded. INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, ROOM B - NIGHT A dark room, cobwebs fill the room. through.
Moonlight breaks
Ivory keys played slowly, chills the air with it’s eerie sound. (Think Aphex Twin - Drukqs - Gwethy Mernans) The floorboards creak. A GHOST drifts across their path, from the wall to the window on the other side. Jerry hides behind Beth. JERRY Oh my god, I don’t know how much more I can take of this. BETH Get a grip Jerry, grow some balls will you. It’s only 3D tech. God I wish you had a spine. JERRY Where’s the exit? BETH We’ve been here for five minutes. Give it another ten fifteen. Beth sees a faint light from the open door across the room. She walks over the uneven surface. Jerry creeps behind.
18. An extremely UGLY MAN, sits on a chair next to the exit, bored, bolts up once he sees Beth. Jerry screams like a girl. BETH Relax Jerry, he’s just really ugly. Jerry laughs it off. JERRY I know that, I’m not scared. The Ugly Man pulls on a rope. A wardrobe’s doors open, a TEENAGER dressed as a ZOMBIE kisses a TEENAGE GIRL, they’re both covered in blood, suddenly realize they’ve got to work. The Teenage Girl screams, falls to the ground. The Zombie groans, stumbles towards Jerry. Ah!
JERRY Beth wait up!
INT. MYSTERY SPACESHIP - NIGHT Every corner of the spaceship contains the Jiblet Juice. Morty’s pushed up against the windscreen. MORTY Where are we going now? Rick veers the ship to the right. RICK The zoo. We need Pango vomit to really make this juice zing. *burp* EXT. ZOO, CORRIDOR - DAY Rick and Morty both carry Jiblet Juice with them as they walk past VARIOUS ENCLOSURES that contain ALIENS from all over the universe. They walk past two small windows that peer into an enclosure. A ’PLUS’ SYMBOL displays between the windows, an ’EQUALS’ SYMBOL leads onto another window, twice the size of the previous two windows.
19.
MORTY Wow, this place is amazing. RICK You’ve not seen nothing yet. until you see these Pangos.
Wait
A sign hangs on the wall ’LOST ALIEN’. As Rick walks past, pulls out a stamp, then stamps ’FOUND’. EXT. ZOO, HUMAN ENCLOSURE - DAY Morty stops abruptly. MORTY Rick, what’s going on? humans in there.
There’s
A nonchalant Rick continues to walk. RICK It’s rude to stare Morty, you’ll only set them off. Rick BURPS an extra loud and long one. MORTY Rick, we got to help them. RICK Intergalactic politics, you know I hate fucking politics. This zoo would only kidnap another family. A sensor scans the faces of the HUMANS. A warning sign flashes: ANGER A tiny ROBOT rolls out from within a wall. It rolls up to the Anger sign, unscrews the BLUE light bulb, replaces it with a RED light bulb, then sticks on a letter D in front of the sign to signal: DANGER The Robot turns to Morty, points away from the enclosure. ROBOT Danger danger, please continue on with your visit.
20.
INT. ZOO, HUMAN ENCLOSURE - DAY BILL and SARAH, their children, BOBBY and JILL, all bash the soundproof window. The family all shout. BILL (Hysterical) Help us! SARAH Please help! Don’t leave us behind! BOBBY Help! JILL Help! SHUTTERS slam down. EXT. ZOO, PANGO ENCLOSURE - DAY Rick and Morty stop outside the PANGO enclosure. Rick’s SPACECAR sits inside, crashed into a wall. Various other ALIENS occupy the open enclosure. STROBE LIGHTS, a DJ, FLOATING PLANTS, and a BAR decorate the enclosure. RICK (To Morty) Word of warning, these Pangos don’t take no for an answer, just go with it. MORTY What? RICK The word doesn’t exist in their vocabulary, and they’re the party aliens of the universe. You may offend them. MORTY I’m not in the mood to party Rick.
21. RICK They may kill you Morty, just go with it *burp*. Let’s fucking party! INT. ZOO, PANGO ENCLOSURE - DAY Rick walks over to a PANGO. It’s looks like a cuddly koala bear with itchy balls, and a nervous disposition. RICK Hey mochacho where’s the freaks at? The Pango nervously looks away. PANGO They’re here, in the party sanctuary! The Pango goes off to dance, finds a corner to look at, dances awkwardly. RICK Fucking freak. Rick sees his car, crashed into a wall. RICK There you are you little shit. He looks at the engine. RICK You must be out of your mind. The engine’s damaged from the impact. RICK Car I’m here, open up. SPACECAR No you’re not. RICK Haven’t got time for this shit. Wubba lubba dub dub, let’s party! MORTY Rick maybe we shouldn’t be doing this, remember you couldn’t remember?
22. RICK Quite a paradox Morty. Rick sets the Jiblet Juice down, takes out his device, pours some juice into it. He sits down, aims the device into his eye. MORTY What you doing Rick? Doesn’t that stuff cause blindness and blackouts? RICK What are you my mom? This device converts any substance into light, for easy consumption. Rick’s about to press the button, Morty slaps it out of his hand. MORTY No! Laser light flashes throughout the enclosure, Rick and Morty duck as the light bounces off walls, kills all the ALIENS. Before it crashs into Rick’s spacecar, burns it to ASHES. RICK Jesus Morty, look what you’ve done. Do you realize how long it took me to build that car? You’ve cost me a month’s labor when it would have taken me one hour to fix. MORTY I done? You’re the one who tried to decapitate himself. You’ll only steal another car. RICK As usual you’ve got it wrong again. That light turns deadly if it refracts Morty refracts! Once the light bends, it’s constant state changes, mixed in with all these strobe lights, multiple sources of various energy levels of atoms, therefore changing a quality party drug into a deadly laser. A PORTAL opens up.
23. A golf ball flies through, knock’s Rick out cold. Morty hides. Rick2 comes through, grabs the DEVICE. RICK2 Fucker, I’m taking back what’s mine. Rick2 kicks Rick. RICK2 Lick lick lick my balls! Rick2 disappears back through the portal. Then a moment later, his head pops back. RICK2 And that’s the wwwwwwaaaaaay the news goes! THE END CREDITS ROLL INT. HOUSE OF HORRORS, LAST ROOM - NIGHT Jerry and Beth see the exit on the far side of the room. JERRY There Beth, the exit, almost there! BETH You’re treating this like an ordeal. A coffin rests center of the room. Jerry steps on floorboard that recedes deeper into the ground. The coffin’s lid lifts up. An EERIE MOAN reverberates, arms wrapped in white bandages slowly rise. The MUMMY sits up. JERRY (Laughs) That’s the worst vampire costume I’ve ever seen!
24.
BETH (Laughs) It’s a mummy you doughnut. They continue to laugh as they exit. The Mummy slumps in the coffin, takes out a cigarette, drops the lighter, he pats himself down, avoids a fire. He throws the cigarette. It falls into some rubbish. EXT. HOUSE OF HORRORS - NIGHT Jerry and Beth hold hands as they continue to laugh. The House of Horrors goes up in flames in the background.
