Planet Rickihilation By Javier Torregrosa Contributions from Nicolas Torregrosa
Based on a story created by: Justin Roiland & Dan Harmon
September 2017
[email protected]
INT. ALIEN STORE - DAY RICK argues with the SHOP OWNER in the background. RICK (O.S.) (Drunk) I don’t fucking care you thief, we had a deal, five miggles for one zigtar. Not this piece of shit. It’s cracked and dead! MORTY, inserts a coin into an alien mechanical fortune teller. SHOPKEEPER (O.S.) I’m not buying it, you’re selling it to me you idiot. The machine cogs slowly turn, the head jostles upward, it’s neck clicks, raises an arm up from resting between it’s legs, it clicks, liquid drips from it’s hand, it releases a fist to reveal an ostrich size golden egg. RICK (O.S.) (Drunk) Oh that does it, I’m leaving you dumb piece of shit, I’m the smartest entity here, and that includes your god. Fuck off. It drops the egg, as it slides out of the box, it flies over his head, Morty tries to catch it, his arms flail everywhere. MORTY Oh god. It slips between his hands, then crashes to the ground, it cracks. Slime drips from his fingers. MORTY Gross. A wet ALIEN BABY with a beak opens up to reveal Morty’s fortune written on paper. MORTY Eurgh. He grabs the fortune, wipes the wet slime from the paper.
2.
MORTY Your life is worthless, run!
Huh?
ALIEN BABY Squawk. He looks up, sees a ’WANTED POSTER’ with Rick’s face, the tag-line states: WANTED FOR PLANET ANNIHILATION MORTY What’s Rick done now? Rick stands on the Alien Baby squashing it flat. It’s lifeless body spread around his foot. Slaps the wanted poster out of Morty’s hands. RICK Come on Morty we’re going, this fucking pirate (turns around, shouts) is trying to rip me off! MORTY (Surprised) What the hell Rick, you’ve just killed the alien bird thing. RICK It’s fake Morty! Don’t believe your eyes, it’s a load of crap, everything’s fake in here. Let’s go already! Rick shoots his portal gun. MORTY Oh. Morty picks up the poster, turns around, starts to walk. Rick raises his foot, animal entrails stretch from his shoe to the floor like melted mozzarella. Rick looks at the entrails. RICK Hmmm, must be an upgrade. They both leave.
3. INT. GARAGE - DAY Rick & Morty arrive. Morty shows Rick the poster. MORTY What have you done Rick? Rick snatches the poster. RICK Wh-what the fuck, annihilation?! MORTY This is big Rick, huge! RICK (Shrugs) Don’t be so dramatic, I can’t remember, you can’t expect your grandpa to recall every single minute of the day. I get blackouts Morty, anything can happen. Rick opens up his car. MORTY No kidding. A huge slimy sloppy corkscrew penis shaped dildo falls out. RICK (Shouts) Summer! Stop using the car as your secret sex den. SUMMER walks in. SUMMER (Bemused) What are you talking about grandpa? Rick kicks the slimy dildo. RICK What do you call this, a fucking vegetable? Get your freaking dildo out of my car. SUMMER (Shrugs) It’s not mine, ask mom.
4. MORTY Enough. Rick obviously blacked out and brought home a souvenir. SUMMER What is it? It’s like a huge bottle opener. RICK (Shakes head) If I knew I wouldn’t be asking. Rick grabs his flask, takes a quick drink. RICK I need to stop drinking so much. Rick steps into the car, grabs the souvenir, throws it in the back. RICK Get in Morty. MORTY Why? We only just got back. hungry.
I’m
RICK Quit your whining and get in, I’ll buy you something on the way. MORTY I want earth food this time. RICK Yeah yeah whatever get in. INT. SPACECAR - DAY MORTY Where are we going Rick? RICK Jerry’s place, that blab-a-mouth shithead you call a dad might know something. MORTY Don’t call my dad a shithead Rick, it’s not nice. How would you like it if I called you a shithead? Rick shakes his head.
5.
RICK Somewhere on this earth, there’s going to be at least one person who thinks you’re a shithead, for that lame excuse of a father that person is me. Quite the lecturing and help your grandpa figure this mystery out. EXT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY Rick knocks. RICK Open up Jerry I know you’re in there. MORTY He’s probably at work. RICK (Laughs) Yeah right, and sometimes you know when to cheer me up. Rick blasts the handle away, pushes open the door. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY Rick looks around. RICK Hmmm no sign of that loser anywhere. MORTY What’s the plan now? RICK This. Rick walks outside. EXT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY Rick shouts down to his car from the balcony. RICK (Shouts) Car, where were we last night?
6.
The SPACECAR’s lights turn on. SPACECAR You were in the galapicaz star cluster parked in a handicap spot over the planet Anus. The car’s lights blink for each word spoken. MORTY (Confused) Sounds halfway true, is your car making fun of you? RICK It doesn’t know how to joke Morty, it’s like your toaster, just with lights. The car’s lights dim with sadness. RICK Car, show me where in the universe that is. MORTY I thought you knew everything? RICK Morty I don’t have a photographic memory of the entire universe from every single angle. The Spacecar projects a star cluster above itself. It looks like a bundle of white dots. RICK Zoom out, I can’t work out where that is. SPACECAR Okay, by a factor of ten. The white dots shrink to reveal a penis shaped star cluster. Rick clicks his fingers. RICK Ah yes I know it. Rick jumps down.
7.
RICK Get in! MORTY What about my pizza? RICK Is food all you talk about? in.
Get
EXT. PLANET ANUS - NIGHT Rick’s car slowly parks in a disable bay. A tiny picture of a tugboat towing the Enterprise ship marks the center. Rick!
MORTY That’s for disabled aliens.
Rick looks around. RICK This planet eliminated disabled aliens. MORTY That’s crazy. RICK That’s science. Who needs disabled aliens when science can fix that. These parking spaces are relics. Rick taps a button. The car’s windscreen displays: POPULATION: 1 RICK Must be Jerry. Taps another button. The display zooms in on JERRY’s position.
8.
EXT. ANUS SURFACE - DAY The buildings are all ruined, fire damaged, bomb damaged, broken technology lies everywhere. Crashed space ships are seen on buildings, in the streets, and half submerged under ground. JERRY This place is amazing. Jerry walks around with a camera, he takes a snap. JERRY Shame everything is ruined. He turns, sees a muscular statue that holds up limp corkscrew penis with balls like Thor’s hammer. JERRY It’s like Greece only richer. He reads the plaque. JERRY The Unas gives us life. that what it is.
Hmmm is
A small stand next to the statue has statuettes on sale. Jerry looks around, he craftily laughs, grabs a statuette, slips it into his pocket. JERRY No one around. (Laughs) You’re good Jerry. The WIND whispers. WIND Loser. A portal opens up, Rick appears behind Jerry. Morty follows with the corkscrew penis tool. RICK What are you doing here idiot? A startled Jerry turns around, quickly returns the statuette.
9.
JERRY I didn’t take it, I promise! RICK Idiot. MORTY How long have you been here? JERRY I don’t know, this watch is analogue. RICK Figures. Jerry takes another snap of the statuettes. JERRY I know, isn’t this place amazing. What is it holding? it some sort of vegetable? RICK Takes one to know one. idiot.
Is
Fucking
MORTY Enough with the names Rick, fix this. Rick snaps his fingers. RICK (Impatient) Listen up Jerry, have you seen a statue missing it’s tool? JERRY Is that what it is? Rick slaps Jerry. RICK Focus numbnuts. Jerry looks at his camera, cycles through the photos. JERRY Maybe. After nine photos, stops.
10.
JERRY Here it is. Rick grabs the camera, the strap twists and chokes Jerry. The photo shows a statue with a tool missing, on top of a mound surrounded by water, two round spheres in a bag sit next to the feet. RICK (Looks at camera) Where was this? Jerry points. JERRY (Gasps) There. EXT. PEN ISLAND - DAY Rick, Morty and Jerry stand on the edge of the water. RICK (To Jerry) Stay here. JERRY Okay. Jerry takes another photo. Rick & Morty use the portal gun to teleport to the island. EXT. PEN ISLAND STATUE - DAY Rick stretches out his hand. RICK Give me the alien dildo. Morty hands it over. MORTY Why are we doing this? going to achieve?
What’s it
RICK A planet with a missing penis, a missing population. It’s obvious.
11.
MORTY (Puzzled) Is it? RICK This corkscrew penis is the circle of life, when it left the hand, it went limp, the life drained out from within, taking the whole planet with it. These people worship pig penis. They’re pig men, these men are pigs. It pretty much sums up Jerry’s sad pathetic life. MORTY How? RICK Jerry’s half the man he ought to be. Or a pig. Take your pick. Jerry leans over to take a photo of a BROKEN VASE. Rick climbs up the statue, places it in the palm. Just as he places the limp alien corkscrew penis in it’s palm, Rick remembers. RICK (Sudden realization, shouts) Oh fuck! FLASHBACK EXT. ANUS HIGH STREET - NIGHT Rick & Morty run down the street. RICK Run Morty run! Oh my god they’re going to kill us! MORTY Oh god oh god not again! Fire & smoke light up their surroundings. SPACE SHIPS hover over the city, they shoot towards Rick & Morty. SCREAMS fill the air.
12.
Weapons fire at Rick & Morty. Trained wild ALIEN ANIMALS give chase. EXT. PEN ISLAND - NIGHT They swim across the water. RICK They’re technologically advanced but still can’t swim. Idiots everywhere. Lots of half-naked MUSCULAR MEN stand at the water’s edge facing the island. Spaceships slowly move closer. One of the Muscular Men raises a weapon, shoots. Hits a VASE, shards fly everywhere. Rick climbs the statue, to the highest point, up it’s arm. Grabs the non-limp corkscrew penis held in the palm aloft over it’s head. A swoosh of air, travels over the land, the life force leaves the planet. The space ships crash. The swooshed air gravitates towards the penis. The entire civilization disappear. Rick holds the limp penis. Silence. END FLASHBACK EXT. PEN ISLAND STATUE - DAY Everyone that had disappeared, reappear back in the same position. The once limp corkscrew penis stands erect.
13.
RICK Shit. A MUSCULAR MAN grabs Jerry by the arm. JERRY (Scared) Help me! Morty throws a broken pole to Jerry. MORTY Catch. Jerry cowards, uses his free hand to cover his face. The pole smacks him on the head. JERRY Ouch! MORTY (Worried) Do something Rick. Rick cups his hands around his mouth. RICK (Shouts) Kick him in the nuts! Jerry looks at the Muscular Man whose evil eyes stare back. Jerry hesitates, looks back & forth between Morty and the Muscular Man, musters up some confidence, bends his leg back, and with the power called upon from Jan Michael Vincent, kicks the Muscular Man. JERRY (Screams) Ahhh! Jerry breaks his foot against the Muscular Man’s nuts who doesn’t flinch. RICK Wow, did not fucking see that coming. Rick grabs a handful of sand, pulls out a vile of liquid, pops the lid, pours the liquid over the sand.
14.
RICK Screw this. He drops the concoction, grabs his portal gun, changes the setting, shoots. The concoction lights up, intermittently blinks, it grows larger. Rick grabs Morty, resets the portal gun, shoots a portal. RICK Hold your breath Jerry. The concoction continues to grow. Rick & Morty leave. The concoction envelopes the entire city in a clear orange sap. A moment later. A portal reappears next to Jerry whose eyes look over. Rick appears next to the portal where it has burnt away enough sap to allow him to stand. He turns on a chainsaw. RICK Jerry, whatever you’re thinking, don’t, I know what I’m doing. Rick clumsily hacks and slashes at the sap around Jerry, trying to carve him out. Jerry gulps. Rick stops, exhausted. RICK Damn this is hard work, so thirsty. He wipes his brow, drops the chainsaw, grabs his flask, drinks. Jerry panics, eyes move erratically. JERRY (Muffled) Help me!
15.
Rick pulls out rope with a dagger on the end, stabs the sap, it goes through Jerry’s shoulder. JERRY (Screams) Ahhh! Rick shoots another portal, drags Jerry through. INT. GARAGE - DAY Morty throws a ball up, tries to catch it, the portal appears, Rick & Jerry come through, the ball hits Morty’s face. Jerry encased in solid sap rolls in, crashes against the wall. The sap cracks, breaks off, releases the top half of Jerry. RICK Like father like son. MORTY Hey, I’m not that bad. RICK (Rolls his eyes) Oh really?! JERRY A little help please. Jerry grabs a can off the shelf, starts to smash it against the hard sap. RICK (To Jerry) How did you end up on that Anus? Morty laughs. JERRY (Hesitates) I, I sneaked into your car. FLASHBACK
16.
INT. SPACECAR - NIGHT Jerry lies on the back seat, covers himself in a blanket. JERRY (Chuckles) Jerry you’re so smart, I’m going to get Rick back. A drunk Rick swings the car door open, bottle in hand, spills alcohol. Jerry peaks. JERRY (Whispers) Don’t speak. Rick sits in the car, takes one last drink, throws the bottle into the back, knocks Jerry out cold. RICK (Drunk, slurs his words) Car, autopilot, take me to Planet Anus. END FLASHBACK INT. GARAGE - DAY MORTY (To Rick) You should be asking yourself why you had that thing in your car and why you were there in the first place. Rick snaps his fingers, a sudden light bulb moment. RICK (Rhetorical) Wait, why was I there? (Snaps fingers) Glad I thought of it. Morty shakes his head. MORTY (Surprised) That’s what I just said.
17.
RICK Morty, stop trying to steal my thunder. Rick grabs a syringe, extracts his blood, opens a wardrobe, pulls out a MANNEQUIN, injects it, it springs to life. The Mannequin crutches down, as if it’s about to use the toilet. RICK (Startled) Eh, mm, I’ll speed this shit up. Rick presses a button just behind the Mannequin’s neck. It speeds up, moves around the house, reenacting Rick’s last hour in the house. It runs, stumbles, moves as if drunk, leaves the garage. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY The Mannequin runs up to BETH’S broken horse statue, stamps on it. More pieces break off. Beth sits on the couch, with a glass of red wine, watches the television, remote in the other hand. BETH Hi dad, what are you doing? MANNEQUIN (Rick’s voice) Stretching my legs sweetie. BETH Keep it down, I’m trying to watch if Stacey marries Gavin. INT. CHURCH - NIGHT GAVIN, 21, a little chubby, with an English accent, speaks to STACEY, 31, quite chubby, with a Welsh accent. Gavin’s entire head streams sweat. GAVIN (Speaks slowly) I, do.
18.
The PRIEST slips slightly from Gavin’s sweat as he turns to face Stacey. PRIEST Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband. STACEY (Nervous) I, INT. MORTY’S BEDROOM - DAY The Mannequin bursts in. MANNEQUIN (Hurried) Morty Morty we’ve got to go, you’ve got to help your grandpa. It runs over to the bed, lifts the cover, shakes it’s head, runs out. INT. GARAGE - DAY MORTY (Bored) Where are you, I mean the dummy. RICK (Snaps) Who you calling a dummy you dumb shit? MORTY (ANNOYED) Relax Rick, I meant the mannequin. RICK (RELIEVED) Oh, sorry Morty, your grandpa gets a little jumpy sometimes. The brainless clone is just acting out the last hour, should be here in a minute.
19.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY The Mannequin stands at the table, it’s hand maneuvers as if it picks up a phone. MANNEQUIN Brad, it’s Summer’s grandpa, she’s too much of a bitch to call you, you’re dumped. Now fuck off. Opens the fridge, a Happy Birthday CAKE sits on the top shelf. A note sits next to the cake: PLEASE DON’T EAT Mannequin Rick punches it. MANNEQUIN (Laughs) Grabs beer bottle. INT. GARAGE - DAY The Mannequin slows down, wobbles, stumbles over to the car, leans back, drinks. It suddenly stops. SUMMER What happened? MORTY Has the batteries run out? Rick walks over to the wardrobe, pulls out another MANNEQUIN2, grabs a syringe, the word GENERIC describes it. He injects the Mannequin2. RICK It’s designed to stop if there’s another person close by, when it directly or indirectly interacts with it. SUMMER Don’t blind me with science grandpa.
20. MORTY (Laughs) Good one Summer. Rick shakes his head. RICK Fucking kids. Mannequin2 steps into the back of the car, hides under the blanket. MANNEQUIN2 (Whispers, Jerry’s voice) Don’t peak. Mannequin sits in the car, throws the bottle in the back, knocks out the other Mannequin2. MANNEQUIN (Sober) Car, autopilot, take me to Planet Hanus. Both Mannequins keel over. Rick’s eyes widen. RICK Hanus not Anus. drunk. Zigtar.
I was so fucking That’s why.
MORTY What’s a zigtar? Rick grabs a laser pen projection, beams it on the wall. RICK It’s like a shellfish, octopus, but it’s an entire brain. Brain food Morty. If you eat it, you’ll become obnoxious just like your grandpa. Rick steps into the car. RICK Morty get in. Morty enters the car. Summer also gets in. Rick looks over his shoulder, shakes his head.
21.
SUMMER Where we going? RICK To Planet Hanus, you’ll look after the car. Summer brings out her phone. SUMMER (Distracted) Awww, so boring. EXT. PLANET HANUS, SURFACE - DAY Rick lands the spacecar. RICK A few things to note Morty, this place is shifty, don’t trust anyone, don’t wander, and especially don’t buy anything. Rick swings the door open. RICK Right let’s go. Rick’s personal space gets invaded by an over-the-top ALIEN SALESMAN. MORTY That was quick. The Alien Salesman opens up his jacket, various small ANIMALS hang from inside, he cups his hand over the side his mouth. It’s eyes shift left and right. ALIEN SALESMAN (Crafty) Pschhh, boy are you in luck today. I’ve got crantackles on offer, three for two. What’s your offer? RICK (Tired) Geez, not in the mood for this shit.
22.
Alien Salesman grabs an Animal, holds it above his mouth, crushes it to a pulp, the Animal juices fall into of his mouth. ALIEN SALESMAN (Smiles) Makes a great health drink, full of vitamins. Rick pushes the Alien Salesman out of the way. RICK Eurgh, Jesus fucking Christ, Fuck off. Yuck.
SUMMER Grandpa I’m staying.
MORTY (Shocked) What the. This place is strange. RICK (To Summer) Remember, don’t buy anything, no matter how pretty, sparkley, you get the drift. EXT. MARKET PLACE - DAY A ZIGTAR stands at a market stall, wears a cap, smokes a device, holds up some of his products. The market’s crowded with stalls and CUSTOMERS. ZIGTAR (Shouts) Buy one get one free kumits. Any two peeni get a third half price. ALIENS bump into Morty. MORTY (Frustrated) Excuse me, sorry, didn’t see you, ah. An ALIEN knocks the back of Morty’s head. MORTY Watch where you’re going! slow down.
Rick
23.
Rick emerges out of the crowd from nowhere to confront the Zigtar. RICK Remember me? ZIGTAR Should I? Rick brings out a stun gun. RICK Good. Rick shoots the Zigtar. The Zigtar collapses onto the table, knocks products to the ground, breaths slowly. Morty appears from the crowd. MORTY There you are. I don’t like this place. Rick takes out a syringe, extracts DNA from the Zigtar. MORTY What are you doing Rick? I thought you were buying something? RICK Where have you been? A.
That was plan
MORTY (Worried) Not again Rick. Morty looks around, over his shoulder. MORTY I’m tired of running. Rick injects the DNA into a ball. finger.
He flicks it with his
It vibrates, pulses like a heartbeat. RICK This won’t take long, two minutes tops. I need it’s DNA.
24.
MORTY Why? RICK It’s the holy grail, smarter than a savant, I’ll be like a living god. Rick eats the ball. The blood vessels in his eyes burst.
He lets out a growl.
His eyes begin to glow. RICK Fucking ah! Let’s go! MORTY Oh god what have you done now. Rick shoots his portal. MORTY What about Summer? RICK Forget her Morty, we’ll come back. EXT. PLANET RICKENSTEIN - DAY The planet’s barren, lifeless, looks like a brown burnt scorched surface, except for a SHACK. Rick & Morty appear. Morty surveys the place. MORTY Is the portal gun broken? Rick walks towards the shack. RICK Look at this place, isn’t it wonderful? That’s rhetorical Morty. The start of my grand plan. Welcome to our own planet. MORTY (Unimpressed) But it’s dead. I don’t get it. Rick enters the shack.
25.
INT. SHACK - DAY Various storage boxes line the walls. stationed center.
Scientific equipment
RICK This is only the start Morty, think of it, nothing lives here. We get to be the masters of our own planet. Gods you might say. MORTY I wasn’t going to. Rick opens a box, takes out a package, sets it on the scientific table. RICK It all starts from here. I needed that Zigtar’s DNA to help sharpen and focus the mind. Rick takes out his flask, sets it on the table. MORTY This’ll take years, I’ll be dead by then. Rick opens the box, adds some potions, walks outside with the box. RICK Don’t be so cynical, open your mind. Morty follows. EXT. SHACK - DAY Rick throws the box into the air, shoots it. Box explodes, creates a rain cloud. MORTY Wow, what’s going on? RICK (Smiles) You’ll see. Grass begins to grow.
26.
MORTY A-mazing. RICK Seven days, piff, my arse. this in four tops. THE END.
I’ll do
