Nuisances (Director's Cut)

Nuisances D i r e c to r ’ s

By Mic hael J. V ar hola, Sharon ty Michael Var arhola, Sharon Daugher Daugherty ty,, and the Skirmisher Game Development

Cut

Paul O. Knor Knorrr,   Group

Nuisances Director’’s Cut Director

Dedication (d8) 1

Forr all Fo all tho those se who who sha share re our our qui quirk rky y styl stylee of hu humo morr.

2

To our our fam famil ilie ies, s, for for lov lovin ing g us an and d putt puttin ing g up wi with th us. us.

3

To all all those those thr through oughout out our live livess who who have made us mis miserab erable: le: Suck it!

4

To all all of you mad madee unhap unhappy py by by this this boo book: k: Get Get over over it! Shi Shitt happe happens. ns.

5

To Kathy Kathy Davi Davis, s, whos whosee genero generosit sity y and and kindne kindness ss wil willl alway alwayss be be remem remembere bered. d.

6

To the the fan fanss who who have have mad madee this this edi editio tion n of of the the book book pos possib sible. le.

7

Reader’s ch choice!

8

Roll Ro ll twi wice ce an and d com combi bine ne res esul ults ts!!

B y M i cha chae el J. J . Var Var ho hola la,, Sha S harr on Da D aug ughe herr ty, Pa P aul O. Kno K norr r, and the the Ski Sk i r mi she sherr G ame D eve velop lopm ment Gr G r oup up..

Nuisances Director’’s Cut Director

Dedication (d8) 1

Forr all Fo all tho those se who who sha share re our our qui quirk rky y styl stylee of hu humo morr.

2

To our our fam famil ilie ies, s, for for lov lovin ing g us an and d putt puttin ing g up wi with th us. us.

3

To all all those those thr through oughout out our live livess who who have made us mis miserab erable: le: Suck it!

4

To all all of you mad madee unhap unhappy py by by this this boo book: k: Get Get over over it! Shi Shitt happe happens. ns.

5

To Kathy Kathy Davi Davis, s, whos whosee genero generosit sity y and and kindne kindness ss wil willl alway alwayss be be remem remembere bered. d.

6

To the the fan fanss who who have have mad madee this this edi editio tion n of of the the book book pos possib sible. le.

7

Reader’s ch choice!

8

Roll Ro ll twi wice ce an and d com combi bine ne res esul ults ts!!

B y M i cha chae el J. J . Var Var ho hola la,, Sha S harr on Da D aug ughe herr ty, Pa P aul O. Kno K norr r, and the the Ski Sk i r mi she sherr G ame D eve velop lopm ment Gr G r oup up..

Nuisances: Dir e c to r ’s Cut

N uisances Director’s Cut Skirmisher Publishing LLC, P.O. Box 150006, Alexandria, VA VA 22315-0006 Email: [email protected] Website: www.skirmisher.com Authors: Michael J. Varhola, Sharon Daugherty, Paul O. Knorr, and the Skirmisher Game Development Group

Editor-in-Chief:  Michael J. Varhola Layout and Design: Michael J. Varhola, Brian Kelly

Publishers: Michael J. Varhola, Robert McLaughlin, and Geoff Weber  Artists: Richard Alan, Matt Beman, Cassandra Rogers, Sharon Daugherty, Phil “Shade” Kightlinger, Lissanne Lake, Steven Robbins, George Sieretski, and Geoff Weber  Weber 

Skirmisher Game Development Group Members:  Brendan Cass, Oliver Cass, Jim Clunie, Sharon Daugherty, Lee Garvin, Lee Howard, Robert McLaughlin, Roberto “Ho” de Moraes, Cassandra Rogers, Michael H. Varhola, Michael J. Varhola, Hayley Waters, and Geoff Weber 

This book is published under Open Game License version 1.0a and the d20 System Trademark License by permission of Wizards of the Coast. The “d20 System” and the “d20 System” logo are Trademarks owned by Wizards of the Coast and are used according to the terms of the d20 System License version 1.0. A copy of the d20 System Trademark  License can be found at www.wizards.com www.wizards.com.. “Dungeons and Dragons” and “Wizards of the Coast” are registered trademarks of Wizards of the Coast Inc. and are used with permission. Designation of Open Game Content: Open Game Content may only be used in accordance with the terms of Open Game License version 1.0a, which is found on page 111. Open Game License version 1.0a allows you to use Open Game Content in your own works as long as you follow the terms of the d20 System Trademark License. Anyone Anyone having questions or concerns about reproducing Open Game Content contained in this book in their own works should contact Skirmisher Publishing in writing at the snail mail or email addresses listed above. Text and tables in the following sections of Nuisances of  Nuisances —  — but but not not art — are designated as Open Game Content and may be used pursuant to the terms of Open Game License version 1.0a: Chapters 1-10, with the exception of the introductory paragraphs to each and non-game-related material throughout. Anyone using such Open Game Content is requested to give appro priate credit to Skirmisher Skirmisher Publishing Publishing and to provide provide us with at least one copy of the publication in which it appears. Designation of Product Identity:  Product Identity is not Open Game Content. The following is hereby designated as Product Identity in accordance with section 1(e) of Open Game License version 1.0a: Skirmisher Publishing and any and all associated logos and identifying marks, including all Skirmisher Publishing products and product line names; any and all artwork, designs, depictions, illustrations, maps, likenesses, symbols, and graphic designs presented in the context of this  book; and any and all dialogue, incidents, plots, stories, storylines, thematic elements, and concepts contained herein.

Image Rights: The image on page 120 is copyright 2007 by Richard Alan. Images on pages 37, 55, 93 (both), 96 (color by Sharon Daugherty), 98, 115, and 123 are copyright 2007 by Matt Beman. Images on pages 13, 14, 16, 31, 32, 33, 36, 38, 44, 47, 52, 53, 73, 75 (both), 76 (both), 77 (both), 81, 82, 85, 87, 89, 90, 91, 92, 94, 99, 100, 102, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 111, 112, 116, 121, 122, 126, and 129 are copyright 2007 by Sharon Daugherty. Images on pages 28, 41 (top), 56, 57, and 59 are copyright 2007 by Phil “Shade” Kightlinger. The image on page 35 is copyright 2007 by Steven Robbins. The image on page 22 is copyright 2007 by Cassandra Rogers. Images on pages 103, 124, and 125 are copyright 2007 by George Sieretski. Images on  pages 27, 40, 41 (bottom), 117, and 127 are copyright 2007 by Geoff  Weber. Images on pages 12, 15, 17, 18, 19, 21, 23, 24, 25, 34, 42, 45, 46, 48, 49, 50, 51, 54, 62, 63, 64, 65 (bottom), 67, 68, 70, 71, 72, 74, 78, 80, 83, 110, 113, 114, 119 and the page footer are from the Dover  Pictorial Archive Series and are used by permission of Dover Publications Inc. The image on page 20 is used by permiss ion of Task Task Force Clip Art. The image on page 95 is courtesy of the U.S. Air Force. All other  images are from a variety of sources within the public domain. Copyright: All contents of this book, regardless of other designation, are Copyright 2007 Skirmisher Publishing LLC. All rights reserved. Reproduction of non-Open Game Content contained in this work by any means without written permission from the publisher is expressly forbidden, except for purposes of review. This book is protected under international treaties and the copyright laws of the United States of America. Mention or reference to any company, product, or  other copyrighted or trademarked material in no way constitutes a challenge to the respective copyright or trademark concerned. This  book is a work of fiction and any resemblance of its contents to actual  people, organizations, places, or events is purely coincidental. First PDF Edition: August 2007. ISBN 0-9777211-8-3. Front Cover Image: Jester Dragon, by Dragon, by Lissanne Lake.

2

Table of Contents  Introduction 5  In troduction & Acknowledgements .. .... .... .... .. .... .... .... .. .... .... .... .... .. .... .... .... .... .. .... ....5 Chap andom N uisances .........................................................................11 Chaptt er 1: R Random Nuisances Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography Pornography............................................................................29 29 Chapter 3: Skills............................................................................................................... Skills 43 43 Chap eats ...............................................................................................................47 Chaptter 4: FFeats Chap ects ............................................................................................................61 Chaptter 5: Def Defects Chapter 6: Defective Defective Items Items ..............................................................................................75 75 Chap ems ...................................................................................................81 Chaptter 77:: Magic It Items Chap act er Chaptter 8: Ar Arcchtypical Char Charact acter erss ............................................................................................91 Chap Chaptter 9: Mons Monstter erss .........................................................................................................105 Chap 0: Ex clamation P oints .........................................................................................129 Chaptter 110: Exclamation Points Chap 1: Open Game License .....................................................................................130 Chaptter 111:

3

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut I f this was a 1st edition book,  she'd have wings! 

4

 Introduction & Acknowledgements

S

hit happens. If there is one idea that sums up the entire idea behind this book, that is it. In a broad sense, this

 book has its genesis in the experiences of the various contributors in their capacities as soldiers, world travelers, and adventurers. In a more immediate sense, it has its origins on the night of Halloween 2002,

when — accompanied by two of my best friends in this world, Paul O. Knorr and Chip Cassano — I found myself  in the unfortunate position of having to clean up raw sewag e, while in costume (as Alex from A Clockwork  Orange), from a backed up toilet and its adjacent pipes. Sometimes shit happens in a really literal sense.

About This Edition of Nuisances  When we first published a print edition of Nuisances in 2004, we had no idea that it would become our most popular role playing game book ever, much less that we would eventually reach the point where every d20/OGL product we created would compatible with it. There are number of differences between this “bigger, longer, and uncut” “Director’s Cut” PDF-format book and the first  print edition that preceded it. For one thing, it is considerably larger, up from 96 to 130  pages. Most of what those pages contain are the things people enjoyed most in the original Nuisances, and include 23 new Feats (49 total), as well as a section on Subtypes; 19 new Defects (59 total), along with a section on problems associ ated with wearing glasses; five new Magic Items (31 total); an ex panded selection of “Random Monster Pornography;” and one new Archtypical NPC, along with two associated spells. We have also added an entirely new chapter on Skills (al beit a fairly small one that contains two Skills that appeared elsewhere in the original book), a number of new random tables throughout the book, and additions to many of the previously existing tables. In any event, we could have continued to to expand this edition of Nuisances indefinitely, and at the time of its publication we were sitting on enough surplus material to have probably added another 34 pages to it. A desire to come out with the version in a timely manner, however, was our main motivation for resisting the urge to add any more material than we did. In addition to additions of content, we have also replaced some of the more marginal pieces of art that appeared in the original edition of Nuisances — but deliberately kept the worst ones, of course — and added many new ones, including a large proportion of full-color art (something that was not eco-

nomically feasible in the print edition of Nuisances but which the electronic nature of this edition accomodates nicely). A number of people helped make all of the above additions and upgrades possible, and their names and specific contributions are noted in the Acknowledgments that follow a few  pages hence. Another significant change throughout this “Director’s Cut” of Nuisances is a marked shift toward making it more useful as an actual gaming sourcebook. Whereas much of the material in the first edition was intended merely to be amusing, much of  what appears here has been reworked or added with an ongoing Nuisances-oriented roleplaying game campaign in mind. Perhaps the most significant different between the first edition of Nuisances and this one is that it was an actual printed  book and this one is in PDF format (although we will likely make print versions available to people who specifically request them). We had a number of reasons for not wanting to do another print version of the core Nuisances book, the main one being the amount of redundant material that would have appeared. Another was the opportunity to add the afore-mentioned color art. At this point, however, we intend to use all of the new material that appears in the Director’s Cut in a number of printed adventures and sourcebooks, including three scenarios we debuted at Gen Con in past years — “Expedition to the Burial Peaks,” “Farces of Darkness,” and “Offenders of the Faith” —  and one of our current big projects, “Antipaladin’s Quest.” We are also currently considering a number of thematic sourcebooks variously devoted to Defects, Feats, Monsters, Magic Items, and the like. We will need talented and reliable contributors for all of  those projects, and if you are a fan of  Nuisances and would like one of them to be you, contact us at [email protected].

5

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Nuisances   and

the Game

Those of us who have seen and done enough know for sure that, in the words of Robert Burns, “the best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft a-gley” (i.e., often go awry). In the context of role-playing games, however, players often expect that every plan of action — no matter how ill-conceived — should meet with success, regardless of circumstances they may neither be aware of nor even bothered to ascertain. And there is always that abusive player — just one if the gamemaster is lucky — who is sure to get ugly if things don’t go his way. We can’t mention their names here, because they are our friends, our relatives even, and we care about and love them — despite the fact that they are unable to reciprocate those sentiments when they get to the gaming table. In the old days of FRPGs, the ultimate solution to dealing with difficult players was the “blue bolt,” an unerring weapon that could be used to administer disciplinary damage. Gamemasters may find, however, that the contents of this book  can provide guidelines on how to torment difficult parties and their members in much more subtle, effective, and even (if not more realistic) believable ways. That, of course, is only one purpose of this book, and perhaps even a peripheral one. Another is to address in a mature and sober manner adult themes that have not been adequately covered in other gaming books. Yet another is to express in a gaming forum those things that have at various points raised, and perhaps kept up, its various contributors’ ire. This book also addresses the special role played by female  players and characters and includes material developed specifically with them in mind. While the current edition of the  Dungeons & Dragons game, for example, condescendingly alternates between the male “he” and female “she” pronouns and forms, it does not actually acknowledge the marked differences between male and female players and characters. This  book does, with everything from Feats such as Hot Body and Aura of Despair, to Defects like Bitch, Hot Flashes, and Throws Like a Girl. Vive la difference, as the French croak. It is recommended that nine times out of 10, the various nuisances described in this book — especially the ones listed on the various random tables in Chapter 1 — should be nothing more than annoyances. Player character parties will often read into such random occurrences, however, and gamemasters can periodically make them mean something more — espe-

6

cially if the players start taking them for granted or are in need of some behavioral counseling. An easy way to incorporate such nuisances into the action of the game might be to require a skill check in order to overcome their effects or suffer a –1 or   –2 modifier to attacks and skill checks or a +5% or +10% chance of spell failure. A case of jock itch or hiccuping, for example, might require a character to make a Concentration check until the problem has been resolved. (Sure, it may be annoying, but is it bad enough to waste a Cure Disease on while still in the dungeon?) In any case, gamemasters should feel free to extemporize and customize various annoyances to meet the situation in question. Readers of this book should be aware that the authors have a profound love for the various incarnations of Dungeons &  Dragons, the game which before all else this book is intended to honor. To us, it is the greatest game ever invented and, while its adherents have always rather disingenuously left themselves open to ridicule, Nuisances is as much of a tribute to it  — particularly its first edition and the d20 rules system with which it is now associated — as it is a parody. To me, the primary characteristic of the first edition of the game was a sense of unlimited possibility. The 1st Edition  Dungeon Master’s Guide was like an entire world in a book. Was there anything that it didn’t cover in some way or another? It even included lists of colors, for goodness sake! (A tradition which we have reprised in this volume.) Our minds swam the first few years we played, and we dre amed about the scenarios we had just played through when we passed out after 24-hour gaming sessions. And, among other things, we learned the word “milieu.” Things took a downward turn during the second decade of  the game, and the defining trait of its 2nd Edition was, overall, a sense of dullness. Even the art pretty much sucked. It was still a good game, and introduced the concept of the nonweapon proficiency, an evolutionary step toward the current skill-based game. But it unfortunately also made integral to combat resolution that hideous and perverse THAC0 system that we never got right, and took away all sorts of other things from the game as a whole: demons, devils, all the great archnemeses that players yearned to one day battle. Bizarrely, this was apparently an attempt to mollify a book-burning amoral minority that wasn’t going to play the damn game anyway. It

 Introduction & Acknowledgements was, in effect, being marketed to everyone but its own players. Today, the third (and-a-half) edition of the game is like a well-crafted machine, an elegant, beautiful, near perfect ex pression of what an FRPG should be (and the imminent 4th Edition will likely follow along the same lines). There is an underlying sense, however, that it is simply a  product that was developed by a big corporation and that it owes nothing to the decades of game development, the centuries of folklore and mythology, the millennia of human experience that preceded it. The current editions of the books don’t even include bibliographies! True, they are packed with stories, concepts, and

monsters that have their genesis in the minds of the intellectual giants of our species, even near-verbatim descriptions culled from a wide variety of written works — but based on the attributions given in the game’s newest books, someone who didn’t know better might think these things were the brainchildren of the people whose names currently appear on the books. To an absolutely amazing extent, however, they are not. The great Gary Gygax frequently included bibliographies and “additional reading” lists in his works, and it is a measure of his great character that he did (and we sincerely hope he will forgive us for invoking his name in a book of which he very well might not approve).

There is no honor among thieves . . . of intellectual property.

7

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut A Word About Art For better or worse, a fantasy book lives and dies by its art. Indeed, there is a species of dreary soul who — while they would never condescend to write or publish a gaming book  and are unable themselves to produce any form of art — are all too willing to write unfavorable reviews of works like this one  because they do not include art that meets their refined senses of aesthetics. With that in mind, this book has been more of a target for  such degnerate twerps (but, then, shit happens). Our standard defense to such attacks has been to point out that none of the art in Nuisances has been “bad,” it has instead been “reminiscent of 1st Edition Dungeons & Dragons.” That said, we have made efforts to increase both the quality and relevance of art throughout this edition of Nuisances. Sharon Daugherty, who also contributed much of the text  portion of this book, deserves a disproportionate amount of  the credit for the art that appears in it. She is, in fact, the creator  of more than 40 of the pieces that illustrate these pages and was indefatigable in creating color versions of both new and  previously-published images for this “Director’s Cut” of Nui sances. Several other talented artists contributed their efforts to this book. These include Geoff Weber, Phil “Shade” Kightlinger, Steven Robbins, and Cassandra Rogers (most of whom have also contributed their talents to other Skirmisher projects). It would also be appropriate for us to acknowledge the contributions of the artist formerly known as Darlene Pekul (and now simply by the first half of that name). While she did not directly provide any of the art that appears in this book, she is a fantasy illustrator whose work has appeared in gaming  books for more than a quarter century and, as a result, has  profoundly influenced much of the art that has followed it. One of the most profound examples of this is a series of 136 “woodcut” illustrations for Dante’s  Divine Comedy by fantasy artist Gustave Doré — inspired, apparently, by two of  Darlene’s line drawings from the original Dungeon Master’s Guide! The ones by Doré closest in appearance to these original two appear on pages 4 and 6 of this book — and are titled, respectively, “Myrrha” and “Ugolino” — while Darlene’s ap pear on pages 24 and 230 of the AD&D (i.e., 1st Edition) Dun geon Master’s Guide. To these we have added a third, “The Simonists,”on the facing page, which we found especially

8

strange and in keeping with the themes presented in Nuisances. Images by a number of talented artists whose work now falls into the public domain also seemed appropriate in tone for  this book, and it seems only fair to mention them by name when possible. Foremost among these is monomial 19th century French artist Grandville, many of whose satirical illustrations seemed custom-made for this work. Another is Arthur  Rackham, one of whose illustrations serves as the introductory image for Chapter 4: Defects. Yet another is Frank C. Papé, one of whose bizarre and whimsical illustrations for Anatole France’s  Penguin Island   appears as the introductory art for  Chapter 10: Exclamation Points.

Acknowledgments Acknowledgments are a touchy issue for most books, in that someone always get inadvertently left out and feels justifiably slighted. We apologize to them in advance. Artist Matt Beman, proprietor of both Beaumont Miniatures and Armorcast, is foremost among those who have contributed both to this edition and to propagating the Nuisances franchise in general. As the creator of a line of Nuisances miniatures scheduled for release concurrently with this book, it would not be too much to call him our number-one fan. He also suggested the subtitle “Director’s Cut,” drew a number of the new images that appear in this edition, conceived of the “Cherry Potter” additions to the “Random Monster Pornography” section, and created a number of associated temporary tattoos. Shane O’Connor is a major contributor of the new content that appears in this edition — as well as material that will ap pear in future products — and is the author of several new Feats (including Go Touch Yourself, Never Has to Go, and Tastes Terrible), Defects (including Effeminate/Butch, Malodorous, and Terminal), and Defective Items. He also caught a num ber of errors throughout the book, especially with regard to the various schools of magic and the intensity of the presence in various Magic Items. In addition to the primary authors and the previously-mentioned artists, however — some of who have contributed to  Nuisances in other ways as well — there are a handful of other  names that bear mentioning and whose owners have contributed to this book. One is Roberto “Ho” de Moraes — whose ability to lie about his characters’ capabilities with an almoststraight face has kept me on my toes as a GM — who authored

 Introduction & Acknowledgements a number of Defects and who contributed to the tone of the book as a whole. It bears mentioning that not everyone who is a current or former member  of the Skirmisher Game Development Group actually contributed to this  project. Those who wish to admit their  affiliation with the book are welcome to. Those who prefer not to be associated with this project or have not actually contributed to it are listed only for their  honorable service to the group overall, and have every reasonable basis for denying any contribution to this book. Another contributor is Matt Start of  PST Productions, author of the Polychromatimorph in Chapter 9: Monsters. Another is Perry Frix, who contributed much of the material for the Jester  Dragon, also in Chapter 9. Yet another is Owen Pierce, who created the Spike  Boots in Chapter 7: Magic Items. It would be unfair to not mention my wife Diane, who inspired at least a couple each of the Feats and Defects (none of  which, in deference to her, I will specifically mention here) and has always been steadfast in making sure the Skirmisher  Game Development Group was well-fed on game days. Because this book was born in the fiery crucible of aggravation, it would  probably make sense to acknowledge the contributions of all the rotters, incom petents, and outright assholes that make life so much more difficult than it needs to be. Such folk are certainly due no thanks, in that they have only ever acted in accordance with their inclinations and have not intended that any good or hap piness come from their actions, but they should be recognized for the role they have played in inspiring a book of this

sort. By-name mentions are probably not a good idea in a society as litigious as our own, but these creatures include the stupid slut who flushed a plastic cup down my toilet the night it overflowed; former members of my gaming groups who have thought vicious snarling, em bittered sarcasm, and hurled books were appropriate responses to rules disputes; the horrid little nightcrawlersTM that rub their booger-pickers on our books at trade shows and then run away when we try to talk to them; and every lazy, venal, or dysfunctional boss, “man-

ager,” colleague, or business associate who has made my life more difficult either as a result of their deficiencies or  through their efforts to cover them up. Finally, I would like to sincerely thank  the many readers whose encouragement has prompted us to produce this new edition of Nuisances and to make it the  basis of much of what will follow from us. Enjoy!  Michael J. Varhola Springfield, Virginia  August 2007 

9

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

10

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances

A

s noted in the Introduction to this book, Shit Happens, and following are a staggering variety of n otnecessarily-user-friendly tables, many in no particular order, that exemplify that sentiment. There are a number of ways gamemasters can use these tables: 1) Roll randomly; 2) Choose a desired item; 3)

Choose a desired item and then roll randomly until it comes up. Whatever the case, scenario designers are encouraged to adhere to the results of these tables with withering conformity, to expand upon or be inspired by them, or  discard and ignore them altogether, as they see fit.

U rban N uisances (d1 00 Nuisances (d100) 00))  Following are suggestions/hooks that gamemasters can build upon to create communities that the characters are sure to remember—and hate—for a long time to come. Following it are a number of Urban Subtables that can help define just how irritating or creepy the local inhabitants are. d100 1 2 3 4

5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Urban Nuisance Entire town is inbred Obscure measuring systems Chamber pot emptied on characters Rival party purchased all available “X” an hour   before party shops for it Area uses complex calendar/time clock  Raw sewage (e.g., welling up in street, or no sewer  system) Fines Taxes/Tax Collector   Local music played in a whining minor scale Local clothing in distasteful colors/patterns/ combinations (roll on Color/Pattern subtable) All local clothing in extreme style (roll on Subtable: Clothing Styles) Local buildings decorated in extreme style (roll on Subtable: Building Styles) Pickpocket Goblin gangstas Misidentify race (e.g., mistake midgets for Halflings) Unwanted fan club Unexplained noise (if desired, roll on Subtable: Unexplained Noises) Incompetent Experts Union rules Permit required

21 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44

Insurance policies required/encouraged Foreign/normal currency not accepted Street preacher accosts party Lawsuit Frivolous charges Water smells funny Traffic Road/Gate blocked (e.g., overturned chicken cart) Stupid local holiday Overly-literal shopkeeper   Interrupted BM Prank   Horny dog Piece of equipment missing Key breaks in lock   Locals practice body piercing fervently (roll on Subtable: Random Body Locations, page 26) Locals practicing fervent body piercing are insistent that PCs should do likewise Annoying street urchin Stalker   Transvestite admirer   Harassed by constables All townspeople have deeply nasal accents All townspeople have deeply nasal accents and all local wildlife and monsters quack or honk, regardless of their species’ normal sounds

11

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 45

46 47

48 49 50

51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62

All local wildlife and monsters bray or bleat, regardless of their species’ normal sounds; townsfolk regard party as peculiar for thinking things should be otherwise Attacked by supercilious, spoiled-brat Aristocrat Locals speak an incomprehensible language, and radiate a natural anti-magic shield disrupting Comprehend Languages spells Locals never speak (they do write) Locals never speak OR write Locals never speak OR write; animals do speak and seem to be the town’s dominant citizens, while the people serve them Local people all polymorphed into bizarre forms Characters forced to join posse Local people all cursed Characters run out of town on false pretext Locals attempt to tar and feather party Local people all lycanthropes (if desired, see Random Alternate Lycanthropes, Chapter 8) Local people only come out at night Local people all vampires Local people only answer questions with questions Locals only answer questions with one-word answers Local people only answer questions with grunts (positive and negative indicated by tone) Characters attacked by lynch mob

63 64

65 66 67 68

69

70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85

12

Local people all have minor insanity (either all the same type, or each with a different affliction) Local people lack basic hygiene (never bathe, defecate in or near housing and running water, cook  with soiled hands and utensils, etc.) All buildings on steeply sloped hillsides All buildings on posts over water  All buildings rotate slowly on enchanted or  mechanical foundations All buildings hover in mid-air over enchanted foundations (requiring ladders, rope and grapnel,  Levitate, Fly, etc., to access) Locals all chew disgusting green hallucinagenic plant mush; effects include babbling, curling up in fetal  positions in inconvenient spots, incontinence, and constant drooling of green slime from nose and mouth Favorite local cuisine includes innards of monstrous insects Favorite local cuisine includes leeches and slugs Favorite local cuisine includes wasp eggs Favorite local cuisine includes ground roots made into mush tasting like glue or old parchment Favorite local specialties include soup made from the toenails or hooves of some exotic beast Favorite local specialties include tripe and pickled  pigs’ feet Area is sparsely settled and all locals suffer from major insanity of various sorts Locals are all cannibals and party is on the menu Local political/rich bigwig takes dislike to party member and makes things rough Local religious bigwig takes dislike to party member  and makes things rough Local religion believes in sacrificing strangers Local religion believes in mutilating/gelding strangers Local religion believes in coercing strangers into demonic sex acts Local religion and/or industry believes in enslaving strangers Characters encounter Orc/Half-Orc gangstas Characters encounter Bugbear slavetakers

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances 86 87 88

89

90

91 92

93

94 95

96 97 98

99

Characters encounter Elven/ Half-Elven Rogues/Punks. Lizardfolk cooks in search of   characters as ingredients Townsfolk worship a monkey, rat, or other animal god/ goddess, and “sacred”  beasts of that sort have free run of the town. Fire breaks out in whatever   establishment or part of in which the characters are trying to conduct business Favorite local cuisine includes monkey brains and sheep eyeballs Contrary/petty local law lands  party in jail Local law holds certain monsters sacred that the  party wishes to kill (severe  punishments await violators) Party accidently violates local  peace treaty with other  tribe/local monsters Locals are normal folk except for (scales/fur/ feathers) Locals are normal folk except for (scales/fur/feathers) naturally colored or dyed in objectionable colors/  patterns (roll on Subtable: Colors/Patterns) Locals are inexplicably hostile toward outsiders Locals assume characters are spies from hated nation Locals assume characters are child murderers, worship  pers of forbidden deities, or  similar moral degenerates Local child of hostile parent(s)

100

falls in love with a party member and attempts to accompany them from the community Locals identify the characters as deities but beat them savagely after discovering the truth

Subtable: Unexplained N oises (d1 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Squeaking Thumping Hissing Grunting Popping Clicking Chittering Squealing Knocking

10 11 12

Rasping Squishing Dripping

Subtable: Colors and P att at ter ns (d1 2) 2) atter erns (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10 11 12

Lime Green Striped Pink   Plaid Orange Checkered Mucus Yellow Polka-Dot Color opposites combined:  blue/orange, red/green, or  yellow/purple Tie-Dyed Purple Paisley

13

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Subt able: Clo ty ty les (d1 0) Subtable: Clott hing SSty (d10)

Subt able: Buildings (d1 2) (d12)

1 2 3 4 5

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

6 7 8 9 10

Kinky Half-naked All genital/erotic areas exposed Punk/Skinhead Tight Black Leather (regardless of heat, rain, or   body type) Skimpy metal armor   Wear netting only Knotted scarves/veils only (strategically placed ... or  not) Clothing only attached to multiple body piercings Adorned with multiple “charm bracelets” of various monster body parts (e.g., eyes, ears, teeth, tails, genitalia)

9 10 11 12

Gingerbread architecture Wild paint jobs (see Subtable: Colors/Patterns) Extreme Gothic Erotic themes (e.g., mosaics) Gargoyle carvings on all structures Inappropriate colors (candy pink, pus green, etc.) Distorted angles Displayed upside down: 1d6, 1-3: murals and  paintings, 4-6: signs and text Displayed sideways: 1d6, 1-3: murals and paintings, 4-6: signs and text Structures closely imitate natural objects Structures are all abstract geometrical Shapes Exteriors ooze mystery substance constantly

R andom Quic k T r it e A dv dventur 6) 6) Quick Adv dventur enturee Hook Hookss (d1 (d16) (This table supercedes an entire chapter that was so long  and complex that we gave up trying to work with it.) d16 1 2 3 4

5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

14

Quick Lame Adventure Hook  Find a demon amulet Retrieve the left anklebone of a female werewolf  Retrieve the [book of secrets] from [evil wizard] Steal the tail ring of the wererat chief in the local sewers Find the staff of [evil sorceress] Find the lower right fang of a dire tiger   Find the petrified heart of [dead hero] Find the [famous weapon] of [legendary hero] Find the missing ingredient for a Potion of  [whatever] Rescue a lost princess from a dragon Help chaotic evil drug lord smuggle his goods into the lawful good kingdom’s capital Destroy an artifact of great evil thereby leading to the restoration of the rightful king Rescue my (misc. relative) from the slavers Roll again! Roll again and combine results! DM’s choice!

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances N uisances at tthe he SStt able (d1 2) 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Stable is full Horse dies in stable, no replacement forthcoming Horses stolen Horse catches fleas Horses have diarrhea next day from moldy grain Stable out of horses Stable burns down Substandard horses Intelligent talking horse (possible Polymorph target) accosts party Stranger accuses party of horse theft (“here’s my  brand!”) Horse goes lame Stable is out of fodder  

N uisances at tthe he Inn — Common R oom Hell (d1 4) Room (d14) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Inn is full Incompetent wait staff   Unhygienic cook (who also empties chamberpots, or  is diseased, or has blemishes) Unusual menu Stupid local holiday Forced to join impromptu posse Inn burns down Watered-down drinks Transvestite admirer or hostile drunk   Stalker or pickpocket Abusive innkeeper or overly-literal innkeeper  Accosted by imaginary talking animals while drunk  Currency not accepted Out of everything

Nuisances at the Inn — N o t Quit es tful Night (d1 2) Quitee a R Res (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Key breaks in lock to room door   Water smells funny Room smells of vomit Blocked chimney Stained mattress Loud revelry at all hours Chamber pot in room is full, or raw sewage (e.g., welling up in room)

8 9 10 11 12

Tiny black bugs cover all surfaces, infest most of the food, float in the drinks, etc. Soiled sheets Intrusion by drunk or hungover guests Piece of equipment turns up missing Unexplained noise

P er sonal N uisances: A he Inn (d1 2) Nuisances: Att tthe (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Small animal turd in ale Hair in ale Hair greasy Interrupted bowel movement (e.g., bar fight spreads to privy) Attacked by bats Frogs in undergarments (Bard thinks he’s “funny”) Inexplicably stained loincloth Tooth/Body part in meal (see Subtable 2-9: Body Parts) Horny dog in building assaults Cleric’s leg Boogers stuck everywhere Bed stuffed with itchy materials Outhouse collapses on PC

15

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Personal Nuisances: U nder tthe he Skin (d12) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Sunburn Blisters Dandruff   Fleas Wart Acne Athlete’s foot Jock itch Poison ivy Saddle sores Crabs or leeches Festering wounds

Personal Nuisances: U nder tthe he W ea tther her (d1 2) Wea (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Diarrhea Flatulence Food poisoning STD Runny nose Sneezing Hangover   Flu/Cold Hemorrhoids

10 11 12

Nuisances on the Road (d24) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

12

13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

16

Dehydrated Hiccupping Infection (e.g., from body  piercings)

Yellow snow (Survival DC 2 to determine source) Sticky tree sap Lame horse Broken wagon wheel Raccoons/scavengers steal food Water smells funny Sinister cloud formations Frogs or snakes in undergarments Luminous moss Scavengers eat slain/comatose companion Traveling companion interrupts anytime player  tries to mention himself  Mount/pack animal equipment failure (horseshoe lost, strap snaps, buckle breaks) Substandard horses Misleading tracks Attacked by bats Interrupted bowel movement (e.g., by an encounter) Leeches, poison ivy, or insects infest party Traveling companion won’t shut up about himself  Soggy tinderbox Barding chafes mount Locals give incorrect directions (50% deliberate) Maps do not accurately reflect local terrain features Unexplained noises Unexplained lights

Random Alcoholic Beverages (d27) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27

Everclear   Knorsch Ale Beer (see subtable) Rotgut/Popskull Gin Mead Bourbon Vodka Moonshine Kumiss (fermented camel milk) Pulque Brandy Tequila Rum Applejack Brandy Elven Wine Dwarven Ale Halfling Beer   Gnomish Spirits Schnapps Orcish Rum Pastis (yellow aniseed liqueur) Absinthe Cachaca Night Train Mad Dog 20/20

R andom Beer s (d1 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Wheat Beer   Near Beer   Small Beer   Stout Kvass Bitter   Dark   Pale/Lager   Ice Beer   Porter   Skirmisher Pale Ale Rauchbeer (smoky flavor)

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances R andom U nsa av or y Dr in kkss (d1 3) Uns ns av Drin (d13) 1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

13

Skirmisher “Quadruple” Pale Ale, four in one (best served at 98.6 degrees F). Scottish Egg Nog, nut-flavored. Orcish Knorsh, type O  positive. Scarholla, hold the rusty nail. Gnollish Pimp Whiskey, burns the whole way through. Margarinebeer, buttery taste. Devil’s Sunrise, hellishly sour. Dragondew, 12 distinct flavors. Elvish Cream, somewhat fruity. Lite Ale, not quite 3.2. Diet Goldhammer Schnapps, contains 2 gp worth of gold. Double Tall Skinny No-Whip Pixiejuice, keeps you up all night. Ho’s Bloody Awful Bloody Mary (take V-8, pepperflavored vodka, grapeflavored vodka, and salsa, and combine with a critically failed Profession (Bartender) skill check).

Random Self-Help Books (d6) 1 2

3 4 5 6

 All I Ever Needed to Know I   Learned in the Odyssey  It’s All Fun Until Someone  Loses an Eye (Oh, Wait ...  It’s Still Fun)  Men are from Mars, Women are  from Uranus  Life’s a Bitch ... And You Can  Be, Too 7 Characteristics of Highly Typical Organizations When You Hate the One You Love

Random Mineralogical F or mations (d1 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Pyramids Halberd Heads Barbed Arches Cubes/Dice Dominoes Pentacles Obelisks Lozenges Cones Antennae Shakoes DM’s choice!

Random Mat er ials (d1 2) Mater erials (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Copper   Silver   Gold Platinum Wood Rubber   Iron Stone (see Random Stone and Stone Quality subtables) Leather   Cloth Paper   DM’s choice!

17

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Subtable: Random Stone ( d 4 2 )

Subtable: Stone Quality (1d6)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42

1 2 3 4

Pyrite (Fool’s Gold) Marble Soapstone Sandstone Obsidian Rough Lava Rock   Onyx Malachite Lapis Lazuli Opal Amethyst Ruby Emerald Cat’s Eye Limestone Slate Diamond Sapphire Tourmaline Topaz Aquamarine Garnet Agate Jasper   Jade Turquoise Quartz Peridot Beryl Crystal Lodestone Shale Schist Granite Basalt Flourite Tourmaline Lepidolite Calcite Tanzanite Roll again! DM’s choice!

18

5 6

Pure Good Fair   Veined with other material (roll again on Stone Subtable) Hidden crack(s) -2 to item save) Obvious Crack(s) (-3 to item save)

5 6

7 8 9

R andom Deities (d1 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8

9 10

11 12

Bord the Sturdy Fairlane the Traveler   Haughtiness the Self Righteous Hektor the Incensed Hewjass the Bitch Goddess Kornkob the Indifferent Necrull the Decayer  Oilydimmara the Slippery O-man-im-hi the Stoned Peckor the WellShined Vespa the Masochistic Yolanda, Queen of the Pygmies

R andom W as t es of T ime 5) Was (d15) i me (d1 1

2 3 4

Snipe hunt (e.g., trying to collect every resin miniature produced by Oriental slave-labor) Circle jerk (e.g., playing CCGs) Watching Dungeons &  Dragons: The Movie Trying to schwaggle WOTC

10

11 12 13 14 15

Producing supplements for   non-d20 games Trying to get into “True Dungeon” after the first day of the convention Getting drunk while coming up with monster porn titles Trying to make a profit as a small game publisher  Applying science to fantasy games Finishing thesis for that M.A. in Folklore and Mythology Waiting for a manuscript from an AD&D gaming “writer” Arguing about the logic of a fantasy economy Spending 14 months working on Essential Places Roll again! DM’s choice!

Random Annoyingly Obscure Ar mor P ar ar ts (d1 8) 8) Par (d18) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Aketon (body padding) Aventail (neck) Bevor (chin and throat) Couter (elbow) Cuisse (thighs) Epauliere (shoulder blades) Espauliere (knees) Faulds (hips and back) Gorget (throat) Jamb (shins and calves) Lames (intermediate plates) Pauldron (shoulder) Poleyn (knee) Rander (shoulder) Rerebrace (upper arm) Sabaton (foot) Solleret (feet) Tasset (hips)

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances Things to Do When People Are T alking 2) (d12) a lking ttoo Y ou o u (d1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Bite your nails (50%) or cuticles (50%) Sleep Watch television Read Begin yelling at them Sleep Just ignore them Start talking about something you are more interested in Dig in ear   Mentally draft “to do” list Play with pets DM’s/spouse’s choice!

5 6 7 8 9 10

11 12

R andom Er 2) Eroo tica (d1 (d12) 1 2

Random Mantras/ Chants (d1 2) 2) (d12)

3

1 2 3 4

4

5 6

7 8 9 10 11 12

“Oolatec! Oolatec!” “Ohm.” “Klaatu barada nikto!” “Barukh Khazad, Khazad aimenu!” “Cthulhu Fhtagn!” “Bestiae numerus enim hominis est et numerus eius est sescenti sexaginta sex.” “The horror ... the horror.” “Hideous … Ugly … Freaks.” “Brains….Brains….” “Sol Invictus!” “Out of chaos came the light, out of the will came life!” “Du kanst mich mal!”

R andom Thug Je w el r y (d1 2) Jew (d12) 1 2 3 4

Eyeball cufflinks Amulet w. “GP” symbol Gold chain w. “Oguz Forever” cartouche Gold amulet of an Orc dressed as a Pharaoh

Green enamel marijuana leaf   “LOVE” and “HATE” brass knuckle rings Diamond pinky ring Gold pimpin’ neck chain Ruby “dragon fang” earrings Blue (50%) or green (50%) chariot-wheel-shaped amulet Coprolite nose ornament Ivory (50%) or ebony (50%) hand belt buckle

5 6 7 8

9 10 11 12

Mithral Ben-Wha Balls Green Jade Manilishi w. Gold Two-Pronged Crown Udo’s Bestialitary (illustrated tome of monster erotica) Nagahide Mask and Bodysuit (set w. steel rings) Ivory Palambang Ointment of Ky (d12 doses) Darkwood Strap-On Brass Satyr Nutcracker   Statuette (anatomically incorrect) Adamantine Manacles Breast-Shaped Beer Mug (w. nipple spout) Hsinap’s Fly (d12 doses) Cock Ring of Endurance

R andom Size (2d1 2) (2d12) 2 3 4-6 7-10 11-15 16-19 20-22 23 24

Fine Diminutive Tiny Small Medium Large Huge Gargantuan Colossal

Random ‘Blue Bolt 2) Bolt’’ Damag Damagee (d1 (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

1d6 2d6 3d6 4d6 5d6 6d6 7d6 8d6 9d6 10d6 11d6 12d6

Random Automata by Pr imar y FFunction unction (d1 5) Primar (d15) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Musician Waste Collection/Disposal Combat Transportation Pet Guard/Security Special Friend Entertainment Labor   Skill-Based Task   Sex/Pleasure Model

19

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 12 13 14 15

Event Registration Hazardous Duty Roll again twice and combine results! DM’s choice!

13 14 15 16

Belching Scab Eating DM’s choice! Invent a New One!

Random Numbers (d24) Random FFoul oul Habits (d1 6) (d16 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Nose picking Finger sniffing Smoking Chewing Hawking and spitting Butt Scratching Crotch Digging Firing Snot Rockets Refusing to Bathe Drooling Cursing Excessive Uncontrolled Gas

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

1 3.14 4 5 6 8 10 12 13 17 20 23 30

14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

100 404 411 666 911 Roll again twice and add! Roll again twice and multiply! Roll 1d3+1 times and add! Roll 1d3+1 times and multiply! Roll 1d3+1 times and divide! DM’s choice!

Random FFemale emale Associat es (d1 9) Associates (d19) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

Neurotic Great Aunt Emasculating Girlfriend Stalking Ex-Lover   Jealous Mistress Hateful Sister   Overprotective Mother   Bitchy Coworker   Indifferent Wife Clingy Girlfriend Lesbian Roommate Litigious Subordinate Hellraising Daughter   Delectable Niece Lecherous Project Manager   Micromanaging Whackjob Helpful Booth Babe Roll again! Roll twice! You get two! Lucky bastard! Other/DM’s choice!

R andom Dir ections (d1 2) Directions (d12) 1-2 3-4 5-6 7-8 9 10 11 12

20

North South East West Northeast Northwest Southeast Southwest

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances R andom V illains illains (d12) (d1 2) 2) Villains

R andom Color s (d1 7) (d17)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Thulsa Doom Thoth Amon David Lo Pan Big Chicken Pontius Pilate Dick Cheney Iago Saddam Hussein Adolph Hitler   Lady MacBeth Doctor Octopus DM’s choice!

Random  Zod  Zo diia accaall Si gns gn s (d1 (d 12) iac 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Aquarius Pisces Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer   Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn

Black (see subtable) Blue (see subtable) Brown (see subtable) Gray (see subtable) Green (see subtable) Metallic (see subtable) Orange (see subtable) Purple (see subtable) Red (see subtable) White (see subtable) Yellow (see subtable) Clear (see subtable) Infrared Ultraviolet Roll again! Roll twice and combine! DM’s choice!

Black Color Subtable (d8) 1 2 3 4 5

Pure black   Light black   Dark black   Blacker than black   Dark black  

6 7 8

Black as the night Blue-Black   (e.g., like Superman’s hair) Red-Black  

Blue Color Subtable (d7) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Azure Cerulean Cyan Indigo Sapphire Turquoise Ultramarine

Br Bro wn Color Subt able (d1 0) 0) Bro (d10) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Chocolate Coffee Ecru Fawn Mahogany Russet Tan Terra Cotta Taupe Mushroom

Random Chinese  Zod  Zo diia accaall Si gns gn s (d1 (d 12) iac 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Dog Dragon Horse Monkey Pig Ox Rabbit Rat Rooster   Sheep Snake Tiger  

21

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

New Conditions Candy-Assified:The character can only carry half the normal encumbrance for a creature of its strength. This includes armor. Dandruff Blizzard:  The character  suffers a –2 penalty on all Charisma checks. Depressed: The suffering creature is incapable of acting consistently.  A depressed creature can take actions only if it succeeds at a DC 15 Will saving throw at the beginning of each round. The creature may defend normally. Dripping Abscess: The character  suffers a –2 penalty on all Charisma checks. Engorged Organs: The character  suffers a –2 penalty on all Intelligence and Wisdom checks. Halve the afflicted character’s movement rate. Characters of the opposite sex gain a +2 circumstance bonus on all Charisma-related checks against the afflicted individual. Explosive Diarrhea: The character  takes a –2 penalty on all Dexterity related saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks. Halve all movement rates. Trackers pursuing a character afflicted with Explosive Diarrhea gain +2 circumstance bonus on Track checks.

22

High on Life: The character is drunk or stoned (typically after imbibing more drinks or doses than half of his Constitution score). The character suffers a –2 penalty all to hit rolls, skill checks, ability checks, Reflex and Will saving throws, halves his movement rate, and suffers a –2 AC penalty. The character gains a +2 bonus to Fortitude saves and may Rage as a Barbarian if he suffers damage (to his body or his ego). A Barbarian that is High on Life  may Rage  at the next higher level (e.g., a Level 3 Barbarian may Greater Rage when intoxicated.) Horrendous Gas: The character takes a –2 penalty on Move Silently and Hide checks. Casters (including the inflicted character) within a 10’ radius must make a DC 15 Concentration check to successfully cast their spells. In Heat:  The character suffers a –2 penalty on all Concentration checks and all Charisma-related checks against individuals of the opposite sex (or the same sex if the character is homosexual). Individuals of the opposite sex gain a +2 circumstance bonus on all Charisma checks against the afflicted individual. Ingrown Toenail: The character suffers a –2 penalty on all Dexterity related checks. Halve the character’s movement rate.

Lash in Eye: The character suffers a –2 penalty on all Spot and Search checks. Loincloth Rash: The character  takes a –2 penalty on Dexterity related saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks. Halve all movement rates. Character afflicted with Loincloth Rash suffers a –2 penalty on all Concentration checks. Proctologized: The character suffers stabbing pains in the lower rear  groin region. The creature can only move at half speed. Ruptured Eardrum: The character  suffers a –2 penalty on all Listen checks. Uncontrollable Sneezing: The character takes a –2 penalty on Move Silently checks. Bards and spellcasters must make a DC 15 Fortitude save to successfully sing or cast their spells.

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances Gr a y Color Subt able (d1 2) (d12) 1-4 5-8 9-12

Dove Dun Neutral

Green Color Subtable (d6) 1 2 3 4 5 6

Aquamarine Bottle Emerald Jade Olive Sea

Me t allic Color Subt able (d1 2) 2) (d12) 1-2 3-4 5-6 7-8 9-10 11-12

Brassy Bronze Coppery Gold Silvery Steely

Orange Color Subtable (d7) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Apricot Carroty Flame Ginger   Golden Salmon Tawny

Purple Color Subtable ( d 112 2)

R ed Color Subt able (d1 8) Subtable (d18)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Amethyst Fuchsia Heliotrope Lake Lavender   Lilac Magenta Mauve Plum Puce Violet Wine

Burgundy Carmine Cerise Cherry Cinnabar   Coral Crimson Fire Engine Madder   Maroon Pink   Rose

13 14 15 16 17 18

Ruby Russet Rust Sanguine Scarlet Vermilion

Clear Color Subtable (d 5) (d5 1 2 3 4 5

Lucent See-Through Translucent Transparent Sheer  

23

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut  Whit able (d1 2)  Whitee Color Subt Subtable (d12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Ashen Bone Bread White Colorless Dark White Egg White Ivory Light White Pearl Pallid Pasty Snow White

 Ye ll ow Co lo r Su bt ab le ( d 112 2) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Amber   Buff   Citrine Cream Fallow Flaxen Ochre Peach Saffron Straw Golden Xanthic

Random Tastes and/or Smells (d30) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Acidic Airy Bilious Bitter   Burning/ Biting Buttery Dusty Earthy Fiery Fishy Garlicky Greasy Herbal Honeyed Lemony Meaty Metallic Milky Musty Oniony Peppery Perfumey Salty Soothing/ Sugary Sour   Spicy Sweet Tart Vinegary Watery

R andom Dr ugs (d1 3) 3) Drugs (d13) 1 2 3 4

5 6 7

24

Bluegrass Cannabis Hashish Lotus (1-2 Black, 3-4 Blue, 5-6 Purple, 7-8 Red, 9-10 White, 11-12 Yellow) Opium Pipeweed Soma

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances 8 9 10 11 12 13

Spice Tanbrosh Elf Weed Laudanum Crack   Other/DM’s choice!

R andom Book 2) Bookss I (d1 (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

 Annals of the Kings of Tyre Clanarama Grand Codex of Thera  Lesser Key of Solomon  Necronomicon Satanic Bible Vile Book of Darkness  Kama Sutra Satyricon Code of Hammurabi (in cuneiform on black basalt)  Justine and Juliet   Arabian Nights: Tales From a 1,001 Nights

R andom Book 2) Bookss II (d1 (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

 Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam  Fanny Hill, or Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure  Devils of Loudun  Dead Sea Scrolls  Lindisfarne Gospels The Maqamat of al-Hariri  Poems of Sappho  Lady Chatterley’s Lover  Utrecht Psalter  The Razor’s Edge  Book of Kells The Catcher in the Rye

Random Books III ( d 112 2) 1 2 3

 Evil for Dummies 1001 Ways to Cook Gnome  An Arch Lich’s guide to Tomb  Repair 

4 5 6 7 8

9 10 11 12

 Players Handbook Core Rules v.3.5  How to Fly  Better Crypts and Dungeons, Top 10 Haunts  Fire! How to Make It, How to Use It  This Hurts You More Than It   Hurts Me (A Torturer’s  Handbook) Catch 22  How to Pick Up Women (ed. by Aphrodite, et al)  Mmm, What Was in That? A Collection of Potions Confederacy of Dunces

Random Irritating Expr essions (d1 2) 2) Expressions (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10 11 12

“Yowzah!” “Hubba-Hubba!” “Bree-arck!” “Shazam!” “Hoo-hah!” “Holy Buckets!” “Kiss my shiny metal ass!” “Woot!” “I love the smell of [swordgrease/intestines/burning lamp-oil] in the morning.” “Ufda!” “Eat my shorts!” “Ayyy!”

25

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Random Card Suits (d4) 1 2 3 4

Clubs Diamonds Hearts Spades

R andom Body Location (d1 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Head Chest Abdomen Groin Right Hand (1-6 on d12: plus forearm) Left Hand (1-6 on d12: plus forearm) Right Foot (1-6 on d12: plus lower leg) Left Foot (1-6 on d12: plus lower  leg) Right Arm Left Arm Right Leg Left Leg

N onsensical FFur ur nishings (d1 4) (d14) 1 2 3 4 5 6

7 8 9

Crude, 10’ tall stone head Life-sized, glazed greyhound statue A stuffed trophy of a cat’s  behind over the mantle Mystic lamp filled with morphing colored glop Bust of naked woman with goldfish-bowl breasts Fake palm tree complete with stuffed nicotine-stained  parrot Large glass boot filled with cheap ale Fountain sporting a drunken urinating satyr  Chandelier containing englobed will-o-wisp

26

10

11

12 13 14

Ruby-encrusted chamberpot that continuously emits green vapor  Mirror that shows Orcs and Kobolds frolicking in a flowery mountain meadow Circular doors and windows Diamond-crusted gold squirrel holding pearl nut Tapestry depicting dogs (or other animals) playing  poker (or some other game)

3

4

5

Demeaning Pr of essions (d1 6) 6) Prof (d16) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

Circus Geek   Drug Dealer   Pimp/Prostitute Streetsweeper   Used Horse Salesman Sidewalk Caricaturist Feces Shoveler at Zoo/Stables Shampoo Girl Harkonen Boil Lancer   Fluffer   Piss-Pot Boy Mystery Meat Vendor   Hooters Waitress Spa-Slipper Scrubber   Game Book Art Critic Other/DM’s choice!

6

7

8

9 10

Random Last Words (d1) 1

Aaaarrrrrrgggghhh!!!!

Random Specialized Eq uipment Kits (d1 3) 3) (d13) 1

2

Amazon (Chainmail thong, longsword, sword belt,  black leather spike-heeled  boots, sheer cloak, earings,  bracelet, armlet, 2d4 gp) Beautiful Witch (Gauzy robes,  pointy stars-and-moons hat

11

12 13

with veil, waist chain with  pendant, slippers, 2d4 gp) Elven Buccaneer (Cutlass, eye  patch, fake beard, hooded leather vest, doublet, trousers, helmet, belt, belt  pouch, boots, 2d4 gp) Poor Cutpurse (Dagger, trousers, small belt pouch, 2d4 gp) Dwarven Tavernkeeper (Beer   tap, lederhosen, skullcap,  beer mug, knee socks, short  boots, 2d4 gp) Henchman (Raggedy clothes,  bad haircut, longsword, 2d4 gp) Coastal Horseman (Hooded cloak, black horse, saddle, tack, and bridle, sickle mounted on an 8-foot-long  pole, 2d4 gp) Emperor (Breastplate, laurel wreath, chariot, two horses, two spotted horse blankets, 2d4 gp) Halfling Temptress (Small thong, 2d4 gp) Chaotic Wizard (sleeveless shirt, trousers, belt, belt  pouch, cloak, pendant, knee-high boots, dagger  with leg sheath, wildlooking horse, 2d4 gp) Efreet (Gold necklace with  pendant, ring, armband, wristband, segmented sash thing, size Huge scimitar, immodest breachclout with devil pendant, blond female captive, 2d4 gp) Roll again! DM’s choice!

Chapter 1: Random Nuisances  W ander ing Damag 00 )  Wander andering Damagee (d1 (d100 01-07 08-09 10-11 12-13 14-15 16-17 18-19 20-21 22-23 24-25

No damage! 1d2 1d3 1d4 1d6 1d8 1d10 2d6 2d8 3d6

26-27 28-29 30-31 32-33 34-35 36-37 38-39 40-41 42-43 44-45

3d8 4d6 4d8 5d6 5d8 6d6 6d8 7d6 7d8 8d6

46-47 48-49 50-51 52-53 54-55 56-57 58-59 60-61 62-63 64-65

8d8 9d6 9d8 10d6 10d8 11d6 11d8 12d6 12d8 13d6

66-67 68-69 70-71 72-73 74-75 76-77 78-79 80-81 82-83 84-85

13d8 14d6 14d8 15d6 15d8 16d6 16d8 17d6 17d8 18d6

86-87 88-89 90-91 92-93 94-95 96-97 98-99 00

18d8 19d6 19d8 20d6 20d8 DM’s choice! Roll again! DM’s choice or roll again!

27

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

28

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography

 W

hat could be more unsavory or likely to cause characters grief and discomfort than an encounter-gone awry with a prostitute or an entire brothel of them? With a bit of attention and creativity from the gamemaster, the vicissitudes of such meetings can be even weirder and more unfortunate than they tend

to be in the real world. Many of the physical oddities associated with the prostitutes presented in the following

 pages can be attributed to strains of Outsider or non-Human blood, experimentation of local spellcasters, magical diseases, or any other conditions the DM thinks appropriate. Following is a main table of brothel-related misfortunes that DM’s can expand upon as desired, along with a number of related subtables. Table 2 -1: Brothel and Prostitute Characteristics ( d 110 00)

18

 DM’s can roll on the following table as many times as desired, keeping or discarding results as it fits the needs of the scenario. Rolling a number of times equal to the number of party members is recommended in most cases.

19

d100 1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Brothel/Prostitute Characteristic Only prostitute available is ... (roll on Subtable 2-2: Prostitute Subtypes). Prostitute is unwashed. Prostitute smells (bad 50%, funny 50%). Prostitute is diseased (roll on Subtable 2-3: Disease Subtable). Prostitute is blemished (roll on Subtable 2-4: Blemishes Subtable). Bedding is filthy. Brothel smells. Prostitute encounter only semi-private (e.g., non-PCs interrupt). Prostitute encounter not private at all (e.g., non-PCs watch and comment). Prostitute enjoys unadvertised/unrequested extreme activities (roll on Subtable 2-5: Extreme Activities). Brothel overcharges. Prostitute is also thief. All prostitutes in brothel are low-level thieves. Brothel burns down during PC’s visit. Brothel is raided during PC’s sexual activities. Prostitute derides PC’s sexual prowess. Prostitute talks incessantly during sexual activities.

20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36

PC doesn’t derive physical satisfaction from encounter. Prostitute is continually chewing something (e.g., tobacco, chicle, etc.). PC fails to perform (impotence/frigidity). Prostitute is hermaphrodite. Prostitute cries during entire intimate encounter. Prostitute loudly informs all how much fun he/she isn’t having. Prostitute makes disconcerting/alarming noises during intimacy. All prostitutes in brothel are low-level Warriors (75%) or Fighters (25%) with conspiracy to mug the party. Prostitute is on drugs (roll on Subtable 1-1: Random Drugs). Madam/pimp throws PC out on pretext and keeps money. Madam/pimp runs sexual visits “by the clock” and throws PC out after short encounter time. Brawl breaks out amongst the customers or   prostitutes. Prostitute has outstanding physical oddity (see Subtable 2-6: Physical Oddities). Prostitute snaps mentally during visit and attempts to maim/kill PC. Prostitute is a gender impersonator. Prostitute later blackmails PC. All prostitutes in brothel are low-level Clerics with intention of “converting” party to their cult. Prostitute is carnivorous (deviant behavior). Prostitute is carnivorous (nonhumanoid or hybrid).

29

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47

48

49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56

57 58 59 60 61 62

Prostitute is a vampire. All prostitutes in brothel are vampires. Prostitute is zombie (more or less fresh). All prostitutes in brothel are zombies (more or less fresh). Brothel walls are thin, other customers clearly audible. Prostitute is amazingly bony (50%) or obese (50%). Prostitute is lycanthrope and it’s nearly “time.” All prostitutes in brothel are lycanthropes and it’s nearly “time.” Prostitute is partially magically mechanized. All prostitutes in brothel are low-level Wizards (50%) or Sorcerors (50%) (cantrips can be kinky ...). All prostitutes in brothel are low-level Wizards/ Sorcerors with familiars who join in the intimate encounter. All prostitutes in brothel are low-level Wizards/ Sorcerors with familiars who watch and comment on the intimate encounter. Prostitute slobbers/drools profusely during intimate activities. Prostitute suffers heavy flatulence during intimate activities. Prostitute giggles constantly during intimate activities. Prostitute belches constantly during intimate activities. Prostitute has long fangs but is otherwise normal. Prostitute has long curved claws/nails but is otherwise normal. All prostitutes are half- or full-blooded Kobolds, Lizardfolk, and/or Troglodytes. Prostitute is freak of magic (roll on Subtable 2-7: Freak  of Magic Subtable); brothel may charge more for  “extras.” Prostitute has webbed feet but is otherwise normal. Prostitute has cloven hooves but is otherwise normal. Prostitute has a thick forest of hair on back. Prostitute has hairy palms. All prostitutes in brothel are Succubi. All prostitutes are half- or full-blooded Goblins,

30

63 64 65

66 67 68

69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76

77

78 79 80 81 82 83

Hobgoblins, and/or Bugbears. Prostitute has enormous, ugly hands. All prostitutes are low-level Sorcerors with fits of  spontaneous magic during intimacy. Prostitute has extra breasts or genitalia but is otherwise normal (1d6 for additional number; also roll on Subtable 2-8: Embarrassing Growth Location). Prostitute has braided armpit hair. Prostitutes’ genitals are carnivorous (the female is more dangerous). Prostitutes’ genitals and excretory orifices are swapped in position (female: “wrong hole, dear”; male: jockstrap is worn rather further back than normal). Prostitutes’ genitals are animated and sentient, speaking with their orifices. All prostitutes in brothel are Yuan-Ti half-bloods. Prostitute has enormous lips (e.g., two to four times normal size). Prostitute is covered with pox scars but is otherwise normal. All prostitutes in brothel are minotaurs. All prostitutes are constructs/automatons. Prostitute has enormous, ugly feet. All prostitutes in “brothel” are low-level Druids of  the Order of the Holy Knothole and only perform their duties under open sky on a bed of leaves. All prostitutes in “brothel” are low-level Druids of  the Order of the Holy Knothole and only perform their duties under open sky on a bed of leaves, with their animal companion participating in the activities. Brothel madam/pimp is an especially kinky Pit Fiend and prostitutes are assorted devils. Prostitute has thick prickly fur from elbows to wrists and from knees to ankles. Female prostitute has enormous (two to four times normal size) genitals. All prostitutes in brothel are Erinyes. Madam/assassin locks PCs in rooms with sleepy Gibbering Mouthers under mattresses. Prostitutes are all Nymphs and Satyrs.

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99

100

Prostitutes are all amorous (hungry) mimics. All prostitutes in brothel are low-level Bards and sing in harmony during timed intimacies. Prostitutes are all Driders. Brothel becomes center of sudden demon/devil turf  war. Brothel madam/pimp is an especially kinky Balor and  prostitutes are assorted demons Brothel madam/pimp is a Wizard/Sorceror and the oral sex specialist is his/her Homunculous. All prostitutes in brothel are Flesh Golems with a Wizard madam/pimp. All prostitutes in brothel are Centaurs. Brothel is haunted by friendly “apparitions” who comment on and ogle PC’s sexual activities (includes sticking their ghostly heads up from “inside” stomachs, genitals, backsides, to get new angles on the action).# Brothel is haunted by unfriendly “apparitions” who criticize PC’s sexual activities.#

# These morph into spectres or other undead of DM’s choice if  combat ensues.

Subt able 2-2: Pr os titut Subtypes (d1 2) Subtable Pros ostitut titutee Subtypes (d12)  Members of the various subtypes receive +2 on specialty checks and -2 on all others (e.g., a Brazen Strumpet would  receive +2 on a check to entice a shy Commoner, but -2 on a check to interest a more sophisticated prospect).

84 85 86 87 88 89 90

Prostitutes are all disguised Green Hags/Annis Hags using Change Self  spells. Prostitutes are all Nagas. Prostitute has long tail but is otherwise normal. Prostitutes are all drow priestesses with whips. All prostitutes in brothel are assorted undead with a  Necromancer madam/pimp. All prostitutes in brothel are Clay Golems with a Cleric madam/pimp. Brothel becomes center of sudden Gnome-Kobold turf war.

d12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Prostitute Subtype Aged Madam Brazen Strumpet Cheap Trollop Expensive Doxy Haughty Courtesan Rich Panderer   Saucy Tart Slovenly Trull Sly Pimp Typical Streetwalker   Wanton Wench Wealthy Procuress

31

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Subtable 2-3: Diseases (d26) This table can be used in any other circumstance for which a randomly selected disease is appropriate, and need not be limited to encounters of the sort described in this chapter. Those in italics are supernatural, the others are mundane. d26 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Disease Athlete’s foot Blinding Sickness Cackle Fever   Crabs  Demon Fever   Devil Chills Diarrhea

8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Festering wounds/Scabies Filth Fever   Flaming Orifice* (see New Diseases sidebar, page 39) Fleas Food poisoning Flu/Cold Gingivitis* (see New Diseases sidebar, page 39) Hemorrhoids Mindfire  Mummy Rot  Poison ivy Rabies Red Ache  Ring Rot* (see New Diseases sidebar, page 39) Shakes Shedding/Molting (hybrid or nonhuman race) Slimy Doom Roll again! DM’s choice!

Subtable 2-4: Blemishes (d20) d12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

32

Blemish Sunburn Blisters Peeling skin Pox scars Squeaky voice Flatulence Saddle sores Dandruff   Wart(s) Acne Runny nose/allergies Excessively ticklish Hairy wart Nasal voice Hiccupping Hangover   Hair greasy Shedding/Moulting (hybrid or nonhuman race) Underweight/Overweight Missing Tooth/Body part (roll on Subtable 2-9: Body Parts)

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography Subt able 2-5: Extr eme A ctivities (d1 2) Subtable Extreme Activities (d12) d12 1

2 3

4

5

6

7 8 9 10

11 12

Extreme Activity Recreational Urination, “Water Sports” (option: check Diseases subtable) Vicious Biting (roll 1d6 for damage to PC) (option : check Subtable 2-3: Diseases) Bondage (1d6, 1-3, prostitute wishes to be bound, 4-6, prostitute wishes to bind PC; option:  prostitute, pimp, or madam is also thief) Lashing with whip (1d6, 1-3, prostitute wishes to be  beaten, 4-6, prostitute wishes to beat PC—whip damage 1d2/1d3 slashing, non-lethal) Whipping with chain (1d6, 1-3, prostitute wishes to  be beaten, 4-6, prostitute wishes to beat PC—chain damage 1d2/1d3 blunt, non-lethal) Wears only sharpened spurs and wants to play “horsey” (spur damage 1d2/1d3, piercing, non-lethal) Likes to play (hard) with knives (damage 1d3/1d4  piercing or slashing) Likes to play (hard) with blunt objects (damage 1d3/ 1d4 blunt) Enjoys fetish-related activities (see Subtable 2-10: Fetishes) Uses electrical weapons/devices for intensification of pain/pleasure (damage, item types + 1d3 damage) Uses heated weapons/devices for intensification of   pain/pleasure (damage, item types + 1d3 damage) Uses icy weapons/devices for intensification of pain/  pleasure (damage, item types + 1d3 damage)

Subt able 2-6: R andom Ph y sical Def De for mities (d1 2) Subtable Random Phy (d12) d12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Deformity Webbed Fingers/Toes Vestigal Tail Third Nipple (or breast if female) Extra Fingers/Toes Double (1-6) or missing (7-12) genitalia Elephantiasis Extra Eyes (1 or 1d6) Full Length Tail Extra Heads (1 or 1d6)

10 11 12

Extra Navels (1 or 1d6) Strange Amorphous Growths Gills

Subt able 2-7 2) Subtable 2-7:: FFrr eak of Magic (d1 (d12)  Roll one or more times, applying cumulative effects as appro priate. d12 1 2

3 4 5

6

Freakish Quality Prostitute has tentacles instead of humanoid limbs Prostitute has head and tongue of anteater  (sticky lickin’) Prostitute has giant crab/lobster claws instead of  humanoid limbs Prostitute slowly, involuntarily undergoes random shapeshifting Prostitute is basically humanoid in appearance but has the substance of a sort of muscular ooze or   jelly with a tough outer skin Prostitute is part spider (multiple limbs for good massages) and spins webs for homemade “bondage experience” (optional: prostitute is fighting a Black Widow instinct and the PC must either enter combat or convince her/him not to kill and devour the PC)

33

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Subtable 2-8: Embarassing Growth Location (d20) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 7 8

9

10

11

12

Prostitute has the regenerative abilities of a full blooded troll and is an S&M specialist Prostitute has gray body hair (pubic or full body coat), enormous buck teeth, a long scaly tail, and cheese  breath Prostitute is part humanoid, part hooded cobra, and  part constrictor: genitals remain the same, scaled  body blends into long tail, no limbs are present, she/he has poison fangs and a “skullcap” of scales  blending down into a cobra hood, and her/his coiling embrace is a killer  Sole prostitute in brothel is a Fiendish creature with octopus-like nether parts, featuring 4d6 sets of   paired tentacles and paired male-and-female genitals, servicing several customers at once Prostitute has, instead of arms, the thorny tentacles of an Otyugh, and an Ettercap’s webspinning mouth next to his/her genitals Prostitute has two bodies connected via two necks to one head, insists on servicing customers in twos

34

Forehead Nose Chin Top of Head Face, Cheek   Ear   Throat Shoulder   Chest/Breast/Breastbone Back, Upper   Back, Lower   Belly/Navel Front of Pelvis/Crotch Buttock   Arm, Upper   Arm, Lower   Hand/Finger   Leg, Upper   Leg, Lower   Foot/Toe

Subt able 2-9: Body P ar ts (d1 6) Subtable Par arts (d16) This table can be used to help determine appropriate results  for fetishes, missing parts, and objects in food ... d15 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

Body Part Teeth (for missing or in food, roll 1d12 for number) Ear(s) Eye Nose Leg Arm Finger(s) (for missing or in food, roll d10 for number) Toe(s) (for missing or in food, roll d10 for number) Hand Foot Genitalia and/or breast(s) Buttock   Skull Nail (50%) or hair (50%) clippings Blood DM’s choice!

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography Subt able 2-1 0: FFee tishes (d1 2) Subtable 2-10: (d12) d12 1 2 3 4 5 6

7 8 9 10 11 12

Fetish Feet/Toes Footwear   Intimate apparel Ears Navels Strap-on Body Parts (if desired, roll on Subtable 2-9: Body Parts) Noses Feces Forced Feeding Tongues Throats Buttocks

Subt able 2-1 1: Ph y sical Oddities (d1 2) Subtable 2-11: Phy (d12) d12 1

Physical Oddity Eyelashes, eyebrows, and head and body hair are all replaced by feathers

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Eyelashes, eyebrows, and head and body hair are all replaced by reptilian scales Eyelashes, eyebrows, and head and body hair are all eradicated by ritual scarring Eyelashes, eyebrows, and head and body hair are all replaced by patches of small gems Skin is branded/tattooed/metal-gilt in patterns Skin is branded/tattooed in entirety Braids Body Hair (armpit, pubic, etc.) Pubic Hair consists of thin, writhingtentacles Has octopus-like suction-cups up inner thighs and on hands and feet Has delicate iridescent scales on parts of skin, as well as gills Has sharp, shaped gems growing from gums instead of teeth Receding hairline,flakey skin, gill-like slits along neck, and a hunched, hopping gait

35

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Prestige Class: Slovely Trull Slovely Trulls are individuals that specialize in selling their bodies in exchange for intoxicants and are variously known  by a variety of other names (e.g., Crack  ’Ho‘s). They come from all races and in all shapes and sizes. Most Slovely Trulls are Commoners, although it is possible for Rogues, Bards, Fighters, and other adventuring classes (e.g., Barbarians) to advance in this class, especially if a campaign is set in or around a brothel. Members of any race can become Slovely Trulls.

TABLE HO-0: The Slovely Trull Level 1st

Attack +0

Fort +0

Ref +0

Will +0

Requirements To qualify as a Slovely Trull, a character  must fulfill the following criteria. Base Attack Bonus: +0. Abilities: Int 9 or less, Wis 9 or less.

Class Skills A Slovely Trull has no class skills.

Class Features All of the following are class features of  the Slovely Trull prestige class. Hit Die: d4. Skill Points at Each Level: 0 + Int modifier. Weapon and Armor Proficiency:

Alternate

Names

for

Special Resistance to Intoxicants

Slovely Trulls do not gain proficiency with any weapons or armor. Note that armor check penalties for armor heavier  than leather apply to the skills Balance, Climb, Escape Artist, Hide, Jump, Move Silently, Pick Pocket, and Tumble, and that every 5 pounds of armor and equipment imposes a –1 penalty on Swim checks. Resistance to Intoxicants: Slovely Trulls are resistant to intoxicants of all varieties (e.g., alcohol, drugs). Double their Constitution scores when using it to calculate the effects of such substances.

Prostitutes

Following are a number of alternate terms, from throughout the world and various times, used to refer to specific sorts of prostitutes or members of this occupation in general. Note that not all refer strictly to such professionals, not all apply to females, and some apply to management positions.  Autobahn Annie, Bimbo, Call Girl, Chamaitypa [Greece], Clockwatcher, Companion, Comfort Woman, Concubine, Courtesan, Crack Whore, Dominatrix, Doxy, Floozy, Escort, Gephyride [Greece], Gigolo, Harlot, Hetaera [Greece], Hierodule [Greece], Hooker, Hustler, Köçek [Turkey],

36

Lai [Greece], Lap Dancer, Lot Lizard, Madam, Mistress, Newbie, Oiron  [Japan], Panderer, Perepatetike [Greece], Pimp, Procurer, Procuress, Provider, Recreational Reptile, Rent Boy, Sanky-Panky, Sex Worker, Slut, Street Walker, Strumpet, Tart, Tawaif [India], Trollop, Trull, Wench, Whore.

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography Prestige Class: Prostitute Prostitutes are individuals that specialize in using their bodies to obtain treasure. They come from all races and in all shapes and sizes. Male prostitutes are typically known as gigolos while the females are commonly called hookers. Such characters may be further specialized as Typical Streetwalkers, Cheap Trollops, and the like (see Subtable 2-2: Prostitute Subtypes on page 31), receiving +2 on skill checks applied to clients interested in such a trick, and –2 with regard to all others. Most Prostitutes began their careers as Commoners, although it is possible for Experts, Rogues, Bards, and other  adventuring classes (e.g., Clerics) to advance in this class, especially if a cam paign is set in or around a brothel. Humans, the most prolific of the  brothel-going peoples, are the race most likely to be found serving as Prostitutes. Half-Orcs, being generally loose of morals and limited in their inhibitions, tend to make excellent Prostitutes, although their appearance is often lacking. Outgoing Half-Elves can also make decent Prostitutes, servicing both males and females of either race. Members of other  races can also become Prostitutes, but are rarely found in the biz; there isn’t enough gold for Dwarves, Halflings are too often arrested for being “underaged,” Elves are too odor- and fluid-conscious, and Gnomes, with their   prolific and oddly-grouped body hair, are unappealing to almost everyone.

Requirements To qualify as a Prostitute, a character  must fulfill the following criteria.

TABLE HO-1: The Prostitute Level 1st

Attack +0

Fort +2

Ref +0

Will +0

Base Attack Bonus: +0. Profession (Courtesan)*:  1 rank.

Class Skills A Prostitute’s class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Appriase (Int), Bluff  (Cha), Diplomacy (Cha), Disguise (Cha), Escape Artist (Dex), Gather information (Cha), and Profession (Prostitute)* (Wis).

Class Features All of the following are class features of  the Prostitute prestige class. Hit Die: d6. Skill Points at Each Level: 2 + Int modifier. Weapon and Armor Proficiency:

Special Proposition, Carrier  

Prostitutes are proficient with whips, saps, and daggers. Note that armor  check penalties for armor heavier than leather apply to the skills Balance, Climb, Escape Artist, Hide, Jump, Move Silently, Pick Pocket, and Tumble, and that every 5 pounds of armor and equipment im poses a -1 penalty on Swim checks. Proposition: At 1st level, Prostitutes get at +2 bonus to Charisma checks related to their customers (e.g., propositioning, seducing, intimidating). Carrier: As a result of their promiscuous lifestyles, Prostitutes become vectors for the Flaming Orifice* disease (see sidebar on page 18). Whenever in  physical contact with a customer, they may choose to pass along this disease.

37

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Prestige Class: Pimp Pimps are individuals that specialize in managing stables of prostitutes in the  pursuit of financial gain. They come from all races and in all shapes and sizes. Male Pimps are typically known as Mac Daddies, while the females are generally known as Madams. Most Pimps are Experts, although it is possible for Rogues, Bards, Fighters, and other adventuring classes (e.g., Monks) to advance in this class, especially if a campaign is set in a tenderloin district. Humans, the most prolific of the  brothel-going peoples, are also the race most likely to be found serving as Pimps. Half-Orcs, being generally immoral, short of temper, and large of muscle, tend to make excellent Pimps (cf. Pimp Slap feat). Members of other races can also become Pimps, but are rarely found in the biz; Dwarves don’t share enough gold with their stables, Halflings usually aren’t big enough to intimidate them, and Elves (and Half-Elves) would rather work in the stable than manage it.

Requirements To qualify as a Pimp, a character must fulfill the following minimum criteria. Base Attack Bonus: +2. Intimidate:  6 ranks. Feats: Pimp Slap*, Skill Focus: Intimidate

Class Skills A Pimp’s class skills (and the key abilities for these skills) are Appraise (Int), Bluff (Cha), Handle Animal (Cha), Intimidate (Cha), Profession (Pimp)*, Sense Motive (Wis), Use Rope (Dex).

38

TABLE PMP-1: The Pimp Level 1st

Attack +0

Fort Ref +2 +0

Will +2

2nd

+1

+3

+0

+3

3rd

+2

+3

+1

+3

Special Killer ’Do, Manage the Stable, Resistance to Disease Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong, Lookin’ Sharp, Movin’ on Up King of the Tenderloin

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography Class Features Features All of the following are class features of  the Pimp prestige class. Hit Die: d8. Skill Points at Each Level: 3 + Int modifier. Weapon and Armor Proficiency: Pimps are proficient with simple weapons as well as whips, saps, and daggers.  Note that armor check penalties for armor heavier than leather apply to the skills Balance, Climb, Escape Artist, Hide, Jump, Move Silently, Pick Pocket, and Tumble, and that every 5 pounds of armor and equipment imposes a -1 penalty on Swim checks. Manage the Stable: At 1st level, Pimps get a +2 bonus to Charisma checks related to managing their stables (e.g., bullying, charming, intimidating, lying). This stable consists of 2d12 prostitutes, each of who earn an average of 2 sp per point of Charisma per day (average of 2 gp each day). The Pimp retains half of the earnings (i.e., 1 gp/day/prostitute), while

New

the prostitutes keep the rest. Resistance to Disease:  As a result of  their promiscuous lifestyle, Pimps are immune to the “Flaming Orifice” disease. Additionally, they gain a +2 on saves against other diseases. Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong: At 2nd level, after bestowing thousands of Pimp Slaps*, the Pimp’s hands develop an iron grip. A Pimp may therefore use weapons that are one size larger or smaller as though they were the correct size (e.g., a human-sized Pimp may wield size Small or Large weapons). Additionally, a Pimp may wield a normal-sized two-handed weapon with one hand. Lookin’ Sharp: At 2nd level, the Pimp gains a +3 to Intimidate checks due to his flamboyant dress, fresh ink, ruthless demeanor, fat dukey ropes, ostentatious  bling, and fly mannerisms. Note that most of Lookin’ Sharp is in the rude ‘tude, so whether the Pimp is actually dressed is irrelevant. Movin’ On Up: At 2nd level, the Pimp

Diseases

Most of the serious diseases listed on this table are described in various game books, along with rules for using diseases in the game, while two new diseases are described below. Those listed in italics are supernatural, while the others are mundane. Disease

Infection

DC

Incubation D a m a g e

Flaming Orifice

Contact

16

1d3 days

 begins to truly represent and attracts 2d12 additional prostitutes to his stable, now known as an Augean Stable, thereby increasing his earnings proportionately. King of the Tenderloin: At 3rd level the Pimp will achieve control over a num ber of sta ble s and bec omes a loc al crimelord cum celebrity. He now controls 1d12 stables in addition to his own Augean Stable. Baby Macs (apprentice pimps) help maintain these additional stables. They typically earn a flat wage of 1 gp per day (paid by the Pimp), while the Pimp reaps the actual earnings of the stables ([1d12 stables x 2d12 prostitutes] + his Augean Stable, consisting of 4d12 prostitutes) x 1 gp/day. Killer ’Do: Also at 3rd level, the Pimp gains the benefits of a Killer ’Do (see Chapter 4: Feats). If a Pimp already has this Feat, he may instead increase the size of his Augean Stable by 2d12 prostitutes (to a total of 6d12 prostitutes).

to pass it along to anyone with whom they are in intimate contact. Gingivitis: Caused by neglect of oral hygiene, this condition manifests itself in the form of puffy, red, swollen gums and bad breath. DMs can have characters save against it once during each month they fail to adequately clean their mouths.

1d4 Con

Gingivitis

Special

11

1 day

1d2 Cha

Ring Rot:  This disease originates on the fingers under 

Ring Rot 

Contact

18

1d4 days

1d2 Con

magical rings and rots the flesh. It thrives in the magical auras created by rings, and cannot be treated if a magical ring remains on the infected hand. It cannot be caused by a Ring of Regeneration  or contracted by someone wearing one.

Flaming Orifice: Prostitutes are the most common vectors for this disease, named for its potential to hideously inflame the genitals. A carrier of this disease may choose

39

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

Random Mons or nog y   (d7 Monstter P Por nogrraph aphy

ffor or vvolume, olume, d1 0 or d1 2 ffor or specif ic title) d10 d12 specific

Random Monster Monster Porn, Volume 1: Li kkee a V el v e t Glo v e (d1 2) Vel Glov (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Forgotten Reams Castle Greyhump Deep One Throat Debbie Does Dragons Beyond the Secret Green Door  Pale Ass of the Swallowing Princess New Wave Succubi Level 1 Hookers, Volume 3: “Amateur Night at the Green Dragon Inn” Ghost Tower In Her Ass Bloodstain Ass Little Whores Testes of Skill 11 12

Whore on the Hill Assassin’s Nut

Random Monster Monster Porn, Volume 3: Thr ee pa n y (d1 2) Three ee’’ s Com Compa pany (d12)

Random Monster Monster Porn, Volume 2: Slopp y Seconds (d1 2) (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Sexperts Whorriors Spewcances Paladin’s Quiff   Ravenlust Dungeons and Drag Queens Castle Greycock B1: Into the Unboned — The Virgin Adventure Expedition to Bare Her Teats Sinster Sluts of Saltmarsh

40

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

The Final Enema Dragonschwantz Hero’s of the Schwantz Ruined Undermound Crack Whore Mountain World’s Largest Plungin’ (99.95 gp edition) Scented Finger of Venkna Unearthed Arc-Anal Delta Groin Oasis of the Rosy Palm Lost Tomb of Ho-Tek To Find a Clit

Random Monster Monster Porn, Volume 4: Br inging U p tthe he R ear (d1 2) Bringing Up Rear (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Lost Cavern of Ho’s Jam Pimp on the Borderlands White Spume Mountain Temple of Excremental Evil Village of Harlot Queen of the Domination Pits Isle of Head

Chapter 2: Brothels, Prostitutes, & Pornography

8 9 10 11 12

Shadows of the Last Whore The Manless Citadel The Ph Phallic Stone The Pea eak ker in Cr Crea eam ms Bas asttio ion n of of Bro Brok ken Ho Holles

Random Monster Monster Porn, Volume 5: An Or gy of Hilar ity (d1 2) Orgy (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Sp u n kj a mme r   Curse of XXXanathon Bed eddi ding ng of the Hi Hill ll Gia iant nt Jar arll Crevices of Chaos Peep on on th the Bo Borderlands Tomb of Whores Vulva of the Drow Slavepits of of th the Un Undercity Boner Hill Win dan go Fell Fe llat atia iall Rift Rift of th the e Fros Frostt Gia Giant nt Jar Jarll Ball Ba lls s of of the the Fi Fire re Gi Gian antt Chi Chief  ef 

5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Beyond Cuntless Doo oorrway ays s Sexperts v.3.5 d20 Sex Toolbox Butt Pirates! The Green Bonin’ The Th e Boo Book k of of Bes Besttia iallit ity y Fa i ri e s Kotex of Monsters

R andom Mons t er P or n Volume 77:: Cher r y P o tt er (d1 0) (d10 0)

Random Monster Porn Volume 6: R ecent Pr ematur 2) 2) Prematur ematuree R eleases (d1 (d12 1 2 3 4

Heroes of High Flavor   Dork Matter   Dung Du ngeo eonm nmas astu turb rbat ator or’’s Guid Guide e v.3 v.3.5 .5 Player’ r’s s Handjob v.3.5

Thrill to the adventures of Cherry Potter and her friends Spermione Danger and Ron Jeremeasley as they study  magic at Hogfart’s Academy and battle the evil schemes of Lord Vulvawart. 1 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the So Sorc rcer erer er’s ’s Bo Bone ne 2 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er and and the the Cha Chamb mber er of of Sec Secre reti tion ons s 3 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the Pr Pris ison oner er of As Asss-ka ka-B -Ban ang g 4 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the Kn Knob obgo gobb bble lers rs of Fi Fire rebu bush sh 5 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the Or Orde derr of of the the Pe Peni nis s 6 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the Ha Half lf-M -Mas astt Pan Pants ts 7 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er Do Does es Ho Hous use e Go Gobb bble lemu muff  ff  8 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the Ha Half lf-B -Bla lack ck Ch Chic ick k 9 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er an and d the the De Deat athl hly y Swa Swall llow ows s 10 Cher Ch erry ry Po Pott tter er and and the the Ser Serio ious us Sna Snatc tch h

41

Nuisances: Dir e c to r ’s Cut

42

Chapter 3: Skills

F

ollowing are a number of skills appropriate either to this book in general or which tie in with specific themes

 presen  pre sented ted in it. At lea least st two of the these se — Met Metaga agame me and Schw Schwaggl agglee — are lik likely ely to cau cause se sig signif nifica icant nt agg aggrav ravaation if used during a gaming session (although the people trying to use them might end up being the ones

 bearing  bear ing the bru brunt nt of the gri grief) ef).. Metagame (Int) A character with this skill can, as a free action, spend the equivalent of a minute or two debating and philosophizing on the intricacies of the rules of nature, the systematic way in which his or her life is being controlled by randomness, and the likelihood of what might happen if ... Check: A successful Metagame check is opposed by the referee’ss Metagame roll (rolled secretly by the referee). If the referee’ metagamer succeeds in the check, he may pontificate for a number of minutes equal to the number by which he exceeded the referee’s roll. During this time, he may complain as desired, argue against the GM’s rulings, deride the premise of the scenario or even the campaign itself, itself , complain about food the GM has served the players, and otherwise erode good order and a spirit of sportsmanship in the game.

the gamemaster may apply a +100 circumstance bonus to his own roll. Synergy: A character character with 5 or more ranks in any Knowledge skill receives a +2 bonus for each on Metagame checks.

Profession (Pimp) (Wis; Trained Only)

* Character wants to examine unknown runes in the midst of  combat. Referee wins roll: character fails.

A character with this skill is trained in the intricacies and politics involved in running runn ing a stable. A Pimp is trained in earning a livelihood as a professional procurer. procurer. Check: A Pimp can practice macking and make a decent living, earning about half his check result in gold pieces per  week of dedicated work (but see also the Pimp prestige class). This assumes that he is employed as a Pimp by a King of the Tenderloin. Some examples of Pimps include mac daddies, da ddies, madams, agents, procurers, jellybeans, souteneurs, and kupplers. He knows how to use all the tools and procedures related to macking, how to present as a mack (dress, speech, mannerisms), and the intricacies of the local legal code as related to  procurment. Make a Profession (Mac Daddy) check against against a DC that reflects the complexity of the task to be accomplished.

* Character wants to draw upon the as-yet undiscovered science of physics to justify action. Referee wins roll: character fails.

DC 5 10

* Character wants to logically deduce presence of secret door, even though he or she is not able to find it using Search skill. Referee wins roll: character fails.

10 15

Example Metagame Circumstances and Outcomes

20 * Character wants to deduce functionality of magic item based on appearance of item, rather than Spellcraft/Knowledge checks. Referee wins roll: character fails. Special: The referee may use his or her discretion to determine his or her appropriate Metagame bonus. When in doubt,

25

Task   Accomplish mundane work task   Dete De tect ct in inde depe pend nden entt con contr trac acto torr (i. (i.e. e.,, pro prost stit itut utee without a Mac Daddy) (1 minute) Loc ocat atee pr pros osti titu tute te (ou outd tdoo oors rs)) (1d (1d6 6 min minu ute tess) Loc ocat atee pr pros osttit itut utee (in (indo door orss, or or wit with h jo john hn)) (3d6 minutes) Conv Co nvin ince ce lo loca call aut autho hori riti ties es to ov over erlo look ok ac acti tivi viti ties es (+1 to roll/10 gp in bribes) Recr Re crui uitt ne new w ‘h ‘ho’ o’ss (1 (1d6 d6 ho hour urss an and d 10 gp of bl blin ing) g)

Retry: Y  Yes. es. Double the time required requ ired (cumulative) for each ea ch subsequent attempt. Special: Gnolls are especially adept at Macking, primarily

43

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut due to the recent stereotyping inflicted upon the race by a large corporation’s marketing department. Also, characters with 5 or more ranks in Intimidate receive a +2 synergy bonus on Profession (Pimp) checks.

Profession (Prostitute) (Wis; Trained Only; Armor Check Penalty) Like all professions, that of the Prostitute, or Courtesan, includes a wide range of diverse skills, many of which have variations based on a particular culture or milieu (e.g., in India it encompasses the “64 arts” of Hindu culture and the adornment of idols, in Japan it includes the performance of the tea ceremony). In all cultures, however, its skills include both the art of seduction and a practical knowledge of etiquette, art, fashion, cosmetics, decor, heraldry, gossip, witty conversation, and games. (Prostitutes can acquire deeper understanding of certain areas through the Knowledge skill.)  Note that practicioners of this skill represent the upper crust of their profession and that ranks within it are not necessary to operate within this trade or perform its most rudimentary functions. Check: Prostitutes often combine their proficiency in dance, singing, and other uses of the Perform skill in the application of their profession. Getting people to do things for them is a Prostitute’s stock in trade, and successful use of such a skill and of a Prostitute profession skill check will typically im prove reactions of observers by at least +1 (e.g., a chieftain who may have had a neutral reaction to a Prostitute’s request for  military escort through his lands might have his reaction improved by one place if the Prostitute successfully renders a stirring poem to him and his retinue).

44

DC 5

10

15

20 30

40

Task   Apply cosmetics; appropriately decorate a home, shrine, or other familiar area. Determine whether particular decor, clothing, etc., are fashionable; compound basic cosmetics or perfumes. Determine class or social level of a character  after at least 10 minutes of observation (+1 to DC for each minute less). Seduce a typical character (add Wisdom bonus of target to DC). Determine class or social level of a character  trying to hide it after at least 10 minutes of  observation (+1 to DC for each minute less). Seduce an apparently unseduceable being, such as a dragon, chaste Paladin, celibate Cleric, semi-intelligent automaton, etc.

Retry:  Yes. However, failure can have consequences as determined by the DM. For example, failure to seduce someone might lead to them becoming enraged, failure to correctly ascertain a character’s class might improperly influence subsequent actions, etc. Special: Racial and class preferences can apply to Prostitute skill checks, as can noted personal preferences of NPCs (e.g., Elven Prostitutes suffer –2 on checks against Rangers who have chosen Elves as an enemy). Armor penalties on Prostitute skill checks — which can depend heavily on body language and physical appearance — are one greater for all armor types (i.e., –1 rather than 0 for leather or padded armor, –  8 rather than –7 for half plate, etc.). Specially made armor may reduce these penalties.

Schwaggle (Cha) A character with this skill, taken from the German for “haggling for swag,” is adept at getting others to give him things. Chan ce of success can be enhanced by effective negotiation, promises, or offer of other goods or services. Check: A Schwaggle check is opposed by the target’s own Schwaggle check (which can be used untrained, if necessary). One of the most common uses of this skill would be to get three-quarter or full value for resale of used items to merchants (+10 and +20, respectively, to target’s skill check). When used

Chapter 3: Skills in this way, individual checks can be used for particularly valuable items, while a single check can be used for bundles of  less-valuable items (e.g., one check for a +1 Longsword  and another check for a mixed bundle of two-dozen normal weapons). Examples of other uses follow.

Example Circumstances The proposed Schwaggle is clearly in the target’s favor (e.g., offer an arms dealer two masterwork  weapons you can’t use in exchange for one that you can).

CounterSchwaggle Modifier

-5

The proposed Schwaggle is pretty much an even trade (e.g., offer a wine merchant a 50 gp cask of  mead in exchange for a 50 gp cask of red wine).

+0

The proposed Schwaggle can be presented as an even trade but is probably not really in the target’s interest (e.g., convince a 1st level Orc that he should trade all of his starting money for a flock of chickens of equal monetary value).

+5

The proposed Schwaggle is based on plausible  but as-yet unfulfilled promises (e.g., requesting a merchant give you two wagons and four horses, in exchange for double their value after you complete your current adventure).

 been able to fulfill what you promised in exchange for previously obtained swag).

+20

+10

The proposed Schwaggle is based on promises of  some vague benefit to the target (e.g., convincing an armorer that he will benefit from other’s seeing you in the set of armor you want him to give you).

+15

Evidence suggests that the proposed Schwaggle is  probably completely one-sided (e.g., asking a former  target for something, even though you have not yet

“I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a cheeseburg er today.” —Wimpy 

Special: The DM may rule that Schwaggling is not always  possible or that the target should receive a substantial circumstance modifier (e.g., +5 or more). For example, an assistant merchant may be afraid to trade his master’s goods under any circumstances and will likely defer all decisions to his su perior. In other situations, however, the DM may decide that a Schwaggling attempt automatically succeeds. For example, a tavern owner might be more than naturally willing to give away some free meals late in the evening, when leftover food is unlikely to be sold anyway. Synergy: A character with 5 or more ranks in Bluff or Diplomacy receives a +2 bonus on opposed Schwaggle checks. A character with 5 or more ranks in Bluff or Sense Motive receives a +2 bonus on counter-Schwaggle checks.

45

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

46

Chapter 4: Feats

C 

an you ever have too many Feats? (Quiet, you! That’s a rhetorical question.) Following are a number of  new ones that can provide characters with alternate means for coping with the reality of the game world. Some of these Feats, however, have various detrimental side effects that can periodically cause their users

trouble. Many of them are also used by the NPCs presented elsewhere in this book.

Annoying Belch [General] A character with this feat is adept at creating long, gusty burps of sufficient odor and decibel level to disrupt concentration. Prerequisite: Non-lawful. Benefit: As a standard action, a character with this feat can unleash an Annoying Belch at will. This discharge is sufficiently disgusting that anyone within 25 feet who is casting spells, using spell-like abilities, or using skills requiring focus must make a successful Concentration skill check at DC 15 or  suffer failure of the action in question. Special: No one being can be successfully subjected to an Annoying Belch more than three times per day, as such an attack eventually loses its shock value.

Assertive [General] A character with this Feat has a strong personality and exhibits a high degree of self-confidence. Prerequisite:  Male. Benefit: Because he is able to project a high level of self  confidence, a character with this Feat receives a +2 bonus on all Charisma-based skill checks. Special: Although female characters cannot take this Feat, they are permitted to take Bitch, the corresponding Defect.

spell failure due to an inability to fully concentrate.  Note that this ability is selective, and can be used to affect some victims but not others, at the character’s option. It cannot affect, however, encountered monsters and the like (unless, for example, one were to take the character prisoner and deal with her over a prolonged period).

Biter [General] A character with this Feat has teeth that are long or sharp enough, and jaws that are sufficiently strong, to inflict painful  bites, even though members of his species do not normally use this as an attack form. Benefit:  A size Medium biter can inflict 1d3 damage upon a successful hit, plus one-half Strength bonus (size Small biters inflict 1d2 base damage and size Large biters inflict 1d4 base damage). Special: If a biter is engaging in combat unarmed, with light

Aura of Despair [General] A character with this Feat is so preternaturally gloomy that she is able to severely depress those around her. Prerequisite: Non-good, Bitch* (Defect). Benefit: Through perpetual complaint, groaning, berating, discontent, and the like, a character with an Aura of Despair is able to emotionally wear down those around her and pretty much make them hate life. Anyone dealing with the character  on an ongoing basis (e.g., husband, children, party members) will suffer –2 on all attack, damage, skill check, ability check, and saving throw rolls, and will also have a +10% chance of 

47

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut melee weapons, or by grappling, he can attempt to bite, in addition to any other attacks to which he is entitled, at –5 to his normal roll (this improves to –2 if he has the Multiattack  Feat).

Bowels of Steel [General] A character with this feat is adept at keeping your sphincter  clenched tight regardless of internal or external forces attempting to force it to do the contrary. Prerequisites: Great Fortitude. Benefit: A character with this Feat is immune to the Explosive Diarrhea, Nauseated, and Sickened conditions*. He also receives a +1 bonus on all Fortitude saves and +3 on saves to resist the effects of Brown Noise*.

Benefit:  A character with this Feat can make a Perform skill check in an attempt to force a single victim within 30 feet to accidentally defecate (a victim must be able to hear and be  physically capable of suffering the intended effect). DC for  this Fortitude saving throw is equal to the performer’s skill check result. Victims successfully affected by brown nois e are stunned for one round, and those that wear clothing must make a DC 10 Will saving throw each round or waive all action for a whole round in order to clean out their apparel. Special: This Feat cannot be successfully used against a single character more than once per day. Characters with the Bowels of Steel Feat receive a +3 bonus on saving throws against Brown Noise.

Bullshit Artist [General] Brown Noise [General] A character with this Feat has learned to create an obscure sound that can make those who hear it involuntarily void their   bowels. Prerequisite:  Bard level 1st OR Perform (Wind Instruments) 4 ranks.

A character with this Feat is good at convincing others of  things that may not be completely true, especially statements of a self-aggrandizing nature. Benefit:  A Bullshit Artist receives a +2 bonus on Bluff, Perform (Oratory), and Schwaggle* skill checks. Detriment: If such a character achieves a critical success with this skill, however, he must make a DC 15 Will saving throw or believe his own bullshit is actually true.

Crossclass Spellcasting [Special] A character with this Feat is able to cast spells normally usable only by members of a class in which he has not advanced. Prerequisite: Spellcaster level 1st. Benefit: Each time a spellcaster takes this feat, he gains access to a number of spells associated wholly with another  class equal to the modifier for the ability score keyed to his spellcasting ability (e.g., Charisma for a Bard). All of the spells obtained with single taking of this Feat must be associated with a single class. Such spells are considered to be of the type normally cast by the character (e.g., if Magic Missile were taken as a spell by a Cleric, it would be considered a divine spell when cast by him). If a character is able to change the spells to which he has access (e.g., as a Sorcerer can), spells gained by this spell can  be among those that are changed. A character does not need to take the maximum number of  spells allowed by this Feat at one time and can defer any num ber of them until a time when he gains new spells.

48

Chapter 4: Feats Normal: Without this feat, a spellcaster can only use the spells available to members of his class. Special: A character can use this Feat to gain spells from a Clerical Domain to which he does not have access.

Cunning Linguist [General] A character with this Feat is an accomplished etymologist and skilled at oral (and possibly written) communication in several tongues. Prerequisite : Int 16. Benefit: A cunning linguist knows three additional languages over and above those normal acquired as a function of  race and Intelligence. Special: All normal class choices and restrictions still apply to the languages gained through this Feat (e.g., Barbarian illiteracy).

Disabling Blow [General] A character with this Feat can choose a particular type of  weapon and use it to disable even the most powerful opponents with a single blow. Prerequisite:  Improved Critical. Benefit: If a character with this Feat makes a critical hit with his chosen weapon, he can opt to inflict a Disabling Blow. A creature subject to such an attack must make a Fortitude saving throw, with a DC equal to the attack roll of the character  using the Disabling Blow. If the victim makes this save, he suffers normal, non-critical damage. If he fails it, however, he is immediately reduced to 0 hit points. Special: This Feat is only effective against opponents sub ject to critical hits. A Fighter may select Disabling Blow as one of his Fighter bonus Feats.

Double Jointed [General] Characters with this Feat are extremely flexible and can contort themselves into all sort of ungainly positions impossible for  normal people to achieve. Benefit: Double-jointed characters receive a +3 bonus on Escape Artist skill checks. Special: Characters with this Feat receive +2 on all Charisma-based checks (e.g., Diplomacy) against anyone with a kinky personality.

Eat Dirt [General] A character enjoys eating dirt and can subsist by doing so. Prerequisite: Great Fortitude or Orc. Benefit:  A character who can Eat Dirt not only likes munching on earth, mulch, and similar substances, he can actually derive nutritional benefits from it and need not eat anything else if he does not want to.

Extra Arm [General] A character with this Feat has one more functional arm than other creatures of its sort. Prerequisite: Member of a species that normally has one or more arms or forelimbs. Benefit:  An Extra Arm functions just as would a normal off-

49

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut hand, and is affected in the same way by Feats like Two-Weapon Fighting. Attacks made with weapons that can be wi elded with three hands inflict a positive Str bonus twice normal, rather  than one-and-a-half times normal. Maximum benefits bestowed  by Two-Weapon Defense increase by +1 for each additional limb a character has. Clothing, armor, and similar accoutrements must be customized for a character with this feat and generally cost 25% more than usual. Special: Most characters with an Extra Arm start off with it,  but a character might be allowed to acquire one for special reasons (e.g., a devoted Cleric of a multi-armed deity). This Feat can be taken multiple times, bestowing an Extra Arm each time.

Flammable Urine [General] A character with this Feat excretes liquid waste that can very easily be set on fire. Benefit: A character with Flammable Urine produces pee that functions just as if it was oil, allowing a pint of it to burn in

a lantern for 6 hours or used as splash weapon. Attempts at the latter usage use the rules for alchemist’s fire, except that it takes a full round action to prepare a container. Once it is thrown, however, there is a 75% chance of the flask igniting successfully. A character can also pour a pint of this excreta on the ground to cover an area 5 feet square, provided that the surface is smooth. If lit, the pee burns for 2 rounds and deals 1d3 points of fire damage to each creature in the area. A character with this Feat can produce a number of flammable pints per day equal to three plus his Constitution bonus. It takes 2 rounds to produce a single pint. Special: A male character can opt to ignite Flammable Urine as he produces it and spray it in a 5-foot cone of flame that inflicts 1d6 damage to everything in its area of effect and has a chance of setting its targets on fire (as per the standard rules for this). Each round he does so, however, he must make a Fortitude saving throw (DC 10) or suffer 1d3 points of damage. If he critically fails this save, he will suffer a full 6 points of  damage and must make a second DC 10 Fortitude sa ve, failing which his genitals will be incinerated.

Flesh Shield [General] A character with this Feat is skilled at interposing others between himself and harm. Prerequisite: Dodge. Benefit: Anytime a character with this feat is subject to a ranged attack and someone is within 5 feet of him and between him and the attacker, he receives a +1 bonus to AC. Furthermore, if any attack is made against him he may, as a standard action, make a touch attack against anyone within 5 feet of   both himself and the attacker (or the path of a ranged attack). If  successful, he manages to shove, pull, or otherwise interpose the other person in between himself and the attack, receiving a +4 AC bonus. Special:  If an attack misses a character because he has used someone else as a Flesh Shield and the attack roll was sufficient to have hit that person, then they are struck and suffer the appropriate amount of damage.

Flurry of Armed Strikes [General] A character with this Feat can rapidly strike an opponent with his weapons at the expense of some accuracy. Prerequisites:  Non-Monk, Flurry of Unarmed Strikes,

50

Chapter 4: Feats Weapon Focus. Benefit: A character capable of making a Flurry of Armed Strikes can make one extra attack in a round at his highest base attack bonus with a weapon in which he has Weapon Focus. All attacks made that round, however, are at a –2 penalty. This  penalty applies for 1 round, so it also affects attacks of opportunity the character might make before her next action. The character may attack with unarmed strikes and a weapon interchangeably as desired but cannot use any weapon other than one with which he has Weapon Focus as part of a flurry of   blows. A character must use a full attack action to strike with a Flurry of Armed Strikes. Special: If armored, a character’s armor check penalty ap plies to his Flurry of Armed Strikes attacks.

Flurry of Unarmed Strikes [General] A character with this Feat can rapidly strike an opponent with his appendages at the expense of some accuracy. Prerequisites: Non-Monk, Improved Unarmed Strike. Benefit: A character capable of making a Flurry of Unarmed Strikes can make one extra unarmed attack in a round at his highest base attack bonus. All attacks made in that round, however, are at a –2 penalty. This penalty applies for 1 round, so it also affects attacks of opportunity the character might make before her next action. A character must use a full attack  action to attack with a Flurry of Unarmed Strikes. Special: If armored, a character’s armor check penalty ap plies to his Flurry of Unarmed Strikes attacks.

Go Touch Yourself [General] When someone tries to use a touch spell on you, you can grab their hand at the wrist and bend it back so that they touch themselves, becoming the victim of their own spell. Prerequisites: Combat Reflexes, Improved Grapple. Benefit: Whenever someone tries to make a touch attack  against you to unleash a spell (or spell-like ability, psionic  power, etc.) you make make an immediate attack of opportunity, which counts against your total attacks of opportunity for the round. Unlike normal attacks of opportunity, this takes the form of an immediate opposed grapple check between you and your opponent. If they succeed on the grapple check, the spell is discharged as if they had succeeded on a touch attack 

roll against you. If you succeed on the grapple check, however, you force them to touch themself, and their touch spell is immediately unleashed on them with all of the normal effects. You must be aware of the attack, have a free hand, and not be flat-footed to use this Feat. Special: A Fighter may select Go Touch Yourself as one of  his Fighter bonus Feats.

Hammer Hands [General] A character with this Feat has exceptionally strong, hard hands. Prerequisite:  Improved Unarmed Strike. Benefit: A character with Hammer Hands can actually use his fists as tools, using them to perform arduous tasks like  banging dents out of plate armor, flattening bent weapons,

51

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut and the like (he does not gain any resistance from elemental effects, however, and thus could not do things like forge hot metal without additional protection). When striking in melee — for either lethal or non-lethal damage — such a character inflicts +2 damage.

Hard Charger [General] A character with this Feat is capable of executing especially  powerful moving attacks. Prerequisites: Run. Benefit: A Hard Charger can charge at up to triple, rather  double, normal speed. Furthermore, when charging he receiv es a +3 bonus on his attack rolls and +3 on Strength checks made to Bull Rush opponents.

Hot Body [General] A woman with this Feat is a genuine piece of ass, causing straight males and lesbians to react favorably toward her. Prerequisite: Female. Benefit:  A chick with a hot body receives a +2 circumstance  bonus on opposed Charisma-based skill checks (e.g., Gather  Information) when making them against subjects that would find her attractive. Because they find it difficult to keep from ogling her, however, all such characters also suffer a –2 penalty to their Search and Spot checks whenever she is within sight of them.

 Im pr ov ed Fl ur ry of Un ar me d St ri ke s [G en er al ] A character with this Feat can make many more unarmed attacks with his fists and feet than usual but at the expense of  accuracy. Prerequisites:  Non-Monk, Flurry of Unarmed Strikes, base attack bonus +8. Benefit: A character capable of making an Improved Flurry of Unarmed Strikes can make two extra unarmed attacks in a round at his highest base attack bonus. All attacks made in that round, however, are at a –2 penalty. This penalty applies for 1 round, so it also affects attacks of opportunity the character might make before her next action. A character must use a full attack action to attack with a Flurry of Unarmed Strikes. Special: If armored, a character’s armor check penalty ap plies to his Improved Flurry of Unarmed Strikes attacks.

52

 Im pr ov ed Gr oi n St ri ke ke [G er al ] [Geenner Characters with this Feat are adept at directing their attacks toward the delicate groin areas of their opponents. Benefit: Anytime a character with this Feat makes a sneak  attack, attacks a flatfooted opponent, or inflicts a critical hit, she can opt to have connected with the opponent’s groin. Creatures so struck must make a Fortitude save at a DC equal to the amount of damage inflicted or suffer debilitating nausea (“condition summary,” DMG). In each subsequent round, a character can make an additional Fortitude check, at a cumulative +1 per round, to overcome this effect. Special: Creatures immune to critical hits, or those without  particularly delicate groins, cannot be affected with this Feat.

 Inso mn mnia iacc [Gen nera eral l]]  In som niac [Ge ner al] A character with this Feat has problems falling asleep. Benefit: An Insomniac receives a +4 saving throw bonus against all spells with effects that involve sleep or dreaming. Such a character also gains a +1 bonus on all saves against enchantments.

Chapter 4: Feats Jonwu [General] [General] By holding a bow or crossbow sideways (“modified Jonwu”), upside-down (“full Jonwu”), or in a variety of other peculiar  ways, a practitioner of the ancient Orcish combat style of Jonwu can inflict more damage with a missile weapon than usual. Prerequisites: Weapon Focus in weapon to be used with Jonwu, base attack bonus +2. Benefit: On his action, before making attack rolls for a round, the character proficient with Jonwu may choose to subtract a number from all bow or crossbow attack rolls and add the same number to all bow or crossbow damage rolls. This number may not exceed the character’s base attack bonus. The  penalty on attack s and bonus on damage apply until the character’s next turn. Detriment: Whenever this Feat is used, the threat of a critical failure occurs anytime a natural 1 or 2 is rolled. Special: An Orc can take this Feat without meeting any of  the prerequisites for it.

Killer ’Do [General] [General] A character with a Killer ’Do has a hairstyle so unnerving (or   perhaps comedic) that it is known throughout the land. Prerequisite: Hair. Benefit:  An unsettling (or amusing) aura affects all enemies within a 20’ radius. This supernatural effect can be avoided with a Will saving throw (DC equal to 10 + Cha modifier + Character Level). Affected enemies take a –1 penalty on attac k  rolls and a –1 penalty on all subsequent saving throws. Special: The notorious ’do imparts a –2 circumstance penalty to all Disguise checks.

receives gratification from winning arguments, eve n with himself; whether he is right or wrong doesn’t really matter. Benefit:  A Master Debater receives a +2 bonus on all Diplomacy and Bluff skill checks.

Nauseous Fart [General] A character with this feat is adept at unleashing truly horrific flatulence at will. Prerequisite: Non-good OR Humanoid OR Bowels of Steel*. Benefit: A character with this feat can produce a Nauseous Fart up to three times per day. This putrid, gaseous discharge will affect all living creatures in a 25 foot radius for 1 round, during which time each must make a DC 15 Fortitude saving throw or be nauseated for 1d4 rounds (General Guidelines and Glossary, PHB). Special: Anyone using a Nauseous Fart suffers a –2 circumstance penalty to all Disguise and Hide checks for 30 minutes afterwards, due to residual odor. Move Silently will automatically fail the round the Feat is used, and may be moot afterwards if attention has been drawn to the farter. If a character with this Feat deliberately tailors his diet to one heavily weighted toward beans, beer, onions, and cheese,

Lucky [General] A character with this Feat has better than average luck. Benefit: A number of times per day equal to one plus his Cha modifier (if positive), a Lucky character can add 1d 6 to the results of any other die roll (e.g., attack, skill check,, ability check, damage, initiative) after the roll is made but before its results are known. Special: This Feat can be taken multiple times, increasing the total number of times per day its benefits can be used.

Master Debater [General] A character with this Feat is skilled at making a good point and

53

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut he can use a Nauseous Fart up to six times per day. However, he also suffers a –2 penalty to his Charisma score until he has laid off the fart-enhancing diet for at least two days.

Natural Climber [General] A character with this Feat is adept at moving clambering around on vertical surfaces and the like. Prerequisites: Skill Focus (Climb). Benefit: A natural climber can always choose to take 10 on Climb skill checks, even if rushed or threatened. Furthermore, such a character can choose to use either its Strength or Dexterity ability for Climb check.

Natural Rider [General] A character with this Feat is born to the saddle and as comfortable ring on a mount as he is at walking. Prerequisites:  Skill Focus (Ride). Benefit: A Natural Rider can always choose to take 10 on Ride skill checks, even if rushed or threatened. Furthermore, such a character can choose to use either its Strength or Dexterity ability for Ride checks.

Natural Swimmer [General] A character with this Feat can move around in the water almost is if it were its natural environment. Prerequisites: Skill Focus (Swim). Benefit: A natural swimmer can always choose to take 10 on Swim skill checks, even if rushed or threatened, and can charge or use the run action while swimming, provided it swims in a straight line. Special: This Feat will not prevent drowning or other ill effects resulting from failed Swim checks.

Never Has To Go [General] People in stories never seem to have to use the bathroom, and neither does this character. Prerequisite: Bowels of Steel (q.v.). Benefit: A character with this feat completely metabolizes everything he eats and drinks, meaning he is affected by ingested poisons only if he fails his saving throw to resist them  by 5 or more points (or on a natural roll of 1). He is also immune to any effects that might force their victim to urinate or defecate, such as Brown Noise (q.v.).

54

Opposable Toes [General] A character with this Feat can use its feet as adeptly as other  characters can use their hands. Prerequisite: At least one foot with toes. Benefit: Anytime her feet are not covered with footwear or  anything else, a character with Opposable Toes can use her  feet to write, use tools, wield weapons, play musical instruments, or perform almost any other action that could be accomplished with hands. Such a character receives +1 on checks for each foot she can apply to the skills Balance, Climb, and Escape Artist (i.e., +2 on such checks if both feet are free). Furthermore, if at least one of her feet can be used, she receives a +1 bonus on any other skill checks that could be affected by the Aid Another action. Detriment: This ability could easily be perceived as repulsive and could result in modifiers of up to –4 on Charisma based skill checks like Diplomacy. It could also lead to situations like the character being perceived as a monster of some sort.

Chapter 4: Feats Special: While a character with Opposable Toes can wield weapons with her feet, she is still subject to applicable penalties for multiple attacks and might have trouble using her feet in this way if she happens to be standing on them.

Personal Atmosphere [General] The body of a character with this Feat exudes a variety of  odors and gases that form a cohesive protective atmosphere around him. Benefit: Your protective atmosphere gives you a +1 on Fortitude saves. Additionally, a character with this Feat gains a +4 bonus on the following checks and saves: Swim checks made to resist nonlethal damage, Constitution checks made to hold their breath, Fortitude saves made to avoid nonlethal damage from hot or cold environments, and Fortitude saves made to resist damage from suffocation.

Pimp Slap [General] Characters with this Feat are adept at slapping around and cowing other creatures. Benefit: Anytime a character with this Feat succeeds in an unarmed strike, he can add whatever damage he inflicts—typically non-lethal—to any Intimidate attempts made against the victim in the following round.

Pole Fighting [General] A character with this Feat is more effective in combat whenever she has access to an immobile vertical pole, such as a fire  pole or streetlamp. Historical characters with this feat include Daisy Duke, Demi Moore, and Neo. Prerequisites: Dex 13, Perform (Dance) 2 ranks, base attack   bonus +1. Benefit: By spinning and gyrating around a vertical pole, a character with this feat — typically a veteran prostitute or  exotic dancer — receives a +1 bonus on unarmed kicking attacks for every two ranks she has in Perform (Dance). Furthermore, such attacks inflict 1d4 base damage for a size Medium creature. A disadvantage of this Feat, of course, is that it can generally only be used from a stationary position. Special: If a character using this feat is equipped with wob bly whore shoes, stiletto heels, or other similar sexy footwear, her kick attacks can be used to inflict either lethal or non-leth al damage.

If a character with this Feat also has all the prerequisites for  Whirlwind Attack (Dex 13, Int 13, Combat Expertise, Dodge, Mobility, Spring Attack, base attack bonus +4.), she can use Pole Fighting in place of it for purposes of making kick attacks.

Sexy Beast [General] A character with this Feat is extremely attractive to members of  the opposite sex (or to anyone else who would be turned on by someone of his gender). Prerequisite:  Cha 12+. Benefit: A Sexy Beast receives a +2 circumstance bonus on opposed Charisma-based skill checks (e.g., Bluff) when making them against subjects that would find him attractive.

55

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

Subtypes This chapter includes a number of special Feats called Subtypes, most of which represent specific vocational specialties, occupations, or lifestyles. Each also represents the intangible things like the traditions, tactics, drills, ceremonies, formations, culture, lore, symbolism, colors, history, and other minutiae associated with the Subtype in question. Such Feats are intended to focus characters’ abilities and make them better suited to specific missions or tasks; while they can make even a low-level character more powerful in specific ways, they will also make them substantially weaker in others. It is possible — although not likely or generally practical — for a character to be of more than one Subtype. Subtypes can modify a character in a number of ways and help to focus its capabilities and quantify various personality traits, including providing a specific benefit or  allowing the character to substitute weapon and armor   proficiencies for Feats more suited to his Subtype. Each Subtype is broken down into some or all of the same sections as any other Feats, with the possible addition of  sections describing Detriments or Equipment associated with them. Some Subtypes also allow their members to substitute various weapon or armor proficiencies for Feats more appropriate to them. Some provisions apply to substitutions: * If armor proficiencies are substituted, they must be substituted from heaviest to lightest (i.e., in order of Heavy, Medium, and Light armor proficiency). If Shield Proficiency can be substituted, it can be done without regard to the order Armor Proficiency can be substituted. * Substitutions can only be made when a character is created or if he gains a weapon or armor proficiency he does not already have. A character cannot substitute a Feat he already has, only one that he would gain. * Martial Weapon Proficiency can only  be substituted if a character is proficient with all Martial Weapons. For example,

56

even though a Rogue is proficient with several Martial Weapons, a Rogue of a particular Subtype could not substitute these weapons for a Feat provided by the Subtype. * A character must have the qualifications for a Feat gained through such substitutions. For example, a pugilist would need Dexterity 13+ if he wanted to substitute his Heavy Armor proficiency for the Dodge Feat.

Other Benefits of Subtypes A character may receive other benefits for being a member  of a certain Subtype. When working, fighting, or otherwise operating in con junction with other members of the same military Subtype, characters of a particular Subtype receive a +1 bonus on all Will saves related to fear or morale. This benefit does not generally apply to members of non-military Subtypes, but might if they are actually organized into units. If operating under the direction or leadership of a character of higher level who is of the same Subtype (or, in the case of NPC classes like Warriors, a character of a PC class the same level or higher), members of a particular Subtype receive a additional +1 bonus on all Will saves related to fear or morale. As with the above benefit, this bonus does not generally apply to members of non-military Subtypes. It does stack with the above benefit, however, giving groups of a specific Subtype under leaders of the same Subtype a +2  bonus on appropriate Will saves. Characters can be assumed to have basic knowledge about the traditions, lore, history, or culture of a Subtype of which he is a member (e.g., anything that could  be answered with a Knowledge skill check  DC of 10 or less). To determine whether a character knows more obscure information about his Subtype, treat him as if he has a Knowledge rank equal to 2, plus one for  each level he has advanced since acquiring the Subtype, modified by his Int bonus (if any).

Chapter 4: Feats Shield Surfing [General] A character with this Feat is able to use a shield as a means of  transportation under certain circumstances. Cinematic characters with this feat include the Elf Legolas. Prerequisites: Dex 15, Shield Proficiency, base Reflex saving throw bonus +2. Benefit: A character capable of Shield Surfing can ride a shield down a relatively smooth or regular vertical slope, such as a snowy hillside or set of stairs. To successfully accomplish this, the character must make a Balance check each round of  movement with a DC determined by the complexity of what he is trying to accomplish. Large shields work best for this but ones in other sizes can be used with various modifiers to the chance of success. Surface Snow Sand Ice Rocky scree Stone stairs

Balance DC 15 17 17 20 20

Condition Buckler Small shield Tower Shield Undergrowth Broken Surface Attacking Ranged Melee

Balance DC Modifier +4 +2 +2 +4 +4

+2 +4

Normal: A character without this Feat attempting to perform such a stupid stunt will likely bust his ass. All skill checks made to resolve non-proficient Shield Surfing attempts are made at -4.

Subtype: Barkeep [General] Barkeeps are sturdy individuals who have developed the skills needed to run drinking establishments frequented by soldiers, adventurers, and other tough customers. Sometimes, such characters are former soldiers or adventurers themselves who have retired from their more hazardous professions and opened up watering holes for the sorts of clientele with which they are most familiar. Benefit: Barkeeps receive Profession (Bartender) as a class skill. Barkeeps also can substitute their Heavy Armor or Shield  proficiency for Skill Focus (Profession [Bartender]). Equipment: When working, bartenders typically wear little or no armor, or just a leather apron (+1 AC). In rough areas, however, such characters might wear light armor, or keep heavier  armor and shield stored nearby for times of crisis. Their weapons of choice include clubs, daggers, and saps, as well as makeshift weapons like barstools, pewter mugs, and bung taps.

Subtype: Bully [General] Bullies are characters who use their often greater-than-average size and strength to oppress and harass those that are  physically inferior to them. They are usually interested in in juring, cowing, and humiliating their victims, however, not actually killing them. Such characters are natural cowards, however, will not fight fairly, will avoid battles they are not sure they can win, and will knuckle under to anyone bigger or tougher  than themselves. Bullies are almost never of good alignment.

A Shield Surfing character making a melee attack should be treated as if he were making an especially spirited charge, receiving +3 on his attack and –3 to his AC. Characters using ranged weapons suffer –3 on their attacks. Characters who fail this skill check can make a Reflex saving throw (DC 15) to remain in the square where they began their  movement. This who fail this saving throw, or botch the skill check by 5 or more places, will tumble down the surface, suffering 1d6 damage for each 20 feet. Special: Elves receive a +2 bonus on Balance checks used to determine the effects of Shield Surfing attempts.

57

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Benefit: Bullies receive a +2 bonus on Intimidate skill checks. They also tend to be larger than average, and DMs can reflect this by giving them full hit points on each die. Bullies can also substitute their Heavy Armor or Shield proficiency for Skill Focus (Intimidate). Equipment: When they use weapons other than their fists,  bullies are inclined toward simple weapons they can use to maim or injure, like clubs and daggers. Special: Bullying is not generally an occupation as such, and such characters might earn their livings as soldiers, laborers, bouncers, or the like. Because of their cowardly natures,  bullies suffer a –2 modifier on all Will saves related to fear or  morale.

Equipment: Gnoblins prefer drab, soiled-looking clothing of dark leather and are typically equipped with — at a minimum  — leather armor, light shields, morning stars, and javelins. Any that can will use dire wolves or worgs as mounts. Special: Gnoblins suffer a –2 penalty on Charisma-related checks when dealing with other Gnomes that have not mem bers of this subtype or characters ill-disposed toward Goblins and a +2 bonus when dealing with those who are. Goblins and Worgs enjoy a +2 bonus on all Charisma-related checks when dealing with Gnoblins. Subtype: Gnobold functions in all ways like Subtype: Gnoblin, except that it applies to Gnomes who wish to pretend that they are Kobolds.

Subtype: Eunuch [General]

Subtype: Goth [General]

Eunuchs are men who have had their genitals removed —  along with many of their masculine personality traits — generally for purposes of making them suitable for purposes like guarding harems. Prerequisite:  Male. Benefit: Eunuchs receive a +2 bonus on Perform (Sing) skill checks, +2 on saving throws against charm-type enchantments cast by female characters, and +10 on any Will saving throws explicitly based on or affected by sex appeal (e.g., a courtesan’s attempt at seduction). Furthermore, such characters are immune to crotch-based attacks (e.g., Improved Groin Strike). Detriment: As characters with sabotaged hormonal systems, Eunuchs tend to gain weight and as a result suffer from the Fat* Defect. Because this is a detriment associated with the Eunuch subtype rather than a separate Defect, characters cannot receive an offsetting Feat in exchange for it. A Eunuch can, however, give up another Feat in order to remove this detriment.

Characters with this Feat are members of a subculture who thrive on wearing black, skulls, and the like, and enjoy exhibiting a fascination for death and un-death. Benefit: A Goth receives +2 circumstance bonus on op posed Charisma-based skill checks when dealing with other  Goths and a –2 penalty when dealing with those who are not members of this subtype. A Goth also receives a +3 bonus on all Disguise attempts to pass as an undead being and a +3  bonus on Knowledge skill checks pertaining to death, the undead, necrophelia, etc.

Subtype: Gnoblin [General] Gnomes who take this feat adopt, inexplicably, Goblin clothing, music, speech patterns, customs, and the like. Whenever   possible, such debased creatures will try to include one or  more true Goblins in their ranks. Prerequisite: Gnome. Benefit: Gnoblins receive a +2 bonus on Disguise checks to pass themselves off as Goblins and a +2 bonus on Handle Animal checks applying to dire wolves or worgs.

58

Subtype: Thug [General] Thugs are petty hoodlums who achieve their ends through intimidation, assault, and murder, either individually, in small  bands, or in the service of more powerful criminals. Averse to any sort of honest activity, they earn their daily bread through  pursuits like extortion, theft, and murder-for-hire. This subtype can also be used for pimps, gang members, organized criminals, torturers, local toughs, prison guards, and the like. Thugs are almost never of good alignment. Prerequisite:  Str 12. Benefit: Thugs receive a +2 bonus on Intimidate skill checks. Thugs can also substitute Heavy Armor or Shield proficiency for Skill Focus (Intimidate) and/or take Bluff as a class skill in lieu of Heavy Armor or Shield proficiency. Equipment: Thugs will typically use the heaviest weapons and armor allowable under the laws of the region they live in; where martial weapons are prohibited to private citizens, they

Chapter 4: Feats Tastes Terrible [General] A character with this Feats tastes absolutely putrid, making it difficult for creatures to bite or swallow him. Prerequisite: Defect: Malodorous Benefit: A character with this Feat tastes even worse than he smells. Creatures who successfully make a bite attack against a character who Tastes Terrible make all further bite attack rolls against him at a -2 penalty, as they cannot help but hesitate at the prospect of having to endure his disgusting flavor again. Creatures that successfully make a swallow whole attack  against the character must make a Fortitude save on the following round (DC equals 10 plus the character’s total character level). Failure means that they spend a full-round action vomiting up the nauseas character, which deals him no damage and deposits him prone in a square adjacent to the biting creature.

Unnatural Weapon Affinity [General]

will lean toward concealable arms like clubs, daggers, and saps. Many thugs also wear symbols or colors associated with their  gangs, or gaudy jewelry that displays ill-gotten affluence (e.g, the heavy gold chains emblazoned with “Oguz Forever” worn  by the Ogres, a gang of urban Half Orcs).

A character with this feat has an unnatural emotional investment in a specific weapon. He has even named it, and may carry on intense conversations with it that none of his com panions seem fully capable of comprehending. Prerequisite: Weapon Focus. Benefit: A character with an Unnatural Weapon Affinity gains an additional +1 bonus to attack and damage rolls when using a specific chosen weapon with which he has Weapon Focus. Additionally, the weapon gains a +1 circumstance bonus to any saving throws made on its behalf. If the weapon is lost, destroyed, or the character chooses to build a relationship with a new weapon, he must observe a “mourning” period of one in-game year for his fallen “comrade.” After that period, he may name a new weapon and once again obtain the benefits of this feat.

Take a Beating [General]

 Wa lk Li ke a Ma n [G en er al ]

A character with this Feat can survive an abnormal amount of   blunt-force trauma. Prerequisite:  Toughness. Benefit: A character who can Take a Beating receives damage resistance 3/— against bludgeoning attacks (e.g., unarmed strikes, maces, and clubs), regardless of whether they inflict lethal or non-lethal damage. This benefit also applies to bluntforce damage from things like falling, tripping, or car accidents.

Characters with this Feat — typically tough guys, bull dykes, and Orcs — have a profoundly masculine walk. Prerequisite: Humanoid, Legs. Benefit: A character able to Walk Like a Man receives a + 1  bonus on Intimidate skill checks (+2 if male and +3 if a Human male) and a +4 bonus on Disguise skill checks intended to  pass itself off as either a male in general or a Human male in  particular if it is not already one or both of these.

59

Chapter 5: Defects

E

ven as characters can have Feats that give them particular aptitudes and enhance their various skills and abilities, so to can they suffer from Defects that negatively affect their ability to function. Characters can acquire Defects — whether temporarily or permanently — during the course of the game in a number of 

different ways, including the results of curses and side effects of double-edged magic items.

There is no limit to the number of Defects a characte r can have (just look around a typical gaming convention for validation of  this ruling). Most Defects be taken only once, but a number  have effects that stack (e.g., Fugly) or that can be applied to different factors (e.g., Allergy, Phobia), as noted in the individual descriptions. Players can also opt to willingly give their characters Defects (e.g., in the interests of roleplaying and character development), either when their character is created or upon attaining a new level. Those who do so can are entitled to take a  bonus Feat in exchange. While there is no limit to the number  of Defects a character can have, the number of offsetting bonus Feats can never exceed the regular number of Feats he is entitled to. In all cases a character must meet the prerequisites of a Feat in order to take it. This section also includes a number of Metamagic Defects that can profoundly affect the spells used by characters and have a dramatic influence on game play. Some of these allow as many as two or even three offsetting Feats. There is also one Item Creation Defect. If a character manages to free himself of a particular Defect after taking it in exchange for a Feat, (e.g., if a Fat character  loses weight), he will subsequently lose the offsetting Feat as

well, either the one he took in exchange for it or one of the DM’s choosing. Effects of passive Defects (i.e., those that have an ongoing effect that does not generally need to be adjudicated) typically have effects equal in power to Feats. For example, Lightning Reflexes affects Reflex saves by +2 and Sluggish Reflexes affects them by -2. Effects of active Defects, however, which may only come up infrequently and which players may not be as quick to emphasize often have detrimental effects greate r in  power than the benefits typically bestowed by Feats. Unlike Feats, however, players cannot necessarily be ex pected to remember their Defects at inopportune times. This often pleasurable task must fall to the DM, and it is recommended that he keep a handy record of various characters’ Defects so as not to miss any easy or appropriate opportunities to apply them. In any event, DMs should strive to ensure that any given player’s Defects surface and have some impact (if only a comical one) at least once in each game session. Sometimes, at the DM’s option, a particular Defect can be attributed to all the members of a race, tribe, or other grouping (e.g., the members of a particular subspecies of Dwarf might suffer from the Magic Item Jinx Defect).

Defect: Allergy (Severe) [General]

instance applying to a different substance.

A character with this Defect suffers ill effects when exposed to a particular element. Detriment: Whenever a character with this Defect is ex posed to a particular common substance agreed upon with the DM (e.g., eating peanuts, inhaling pipeweed smoke), he is afflicted as if by a poison. In such a case, he must make a DC 20 Fortitude saving throw, suffering initial and secondary damage of 1d6 Con. As with poison, if he passes the first saving throw, he must make a second saving throw a minute later. Special: This Defect can be taken multiple times, with each

Defect: Allergies [General] A character with this Defect suffers allergic reactions to just about everything. Detriment: Whenever a character with this Defect is ex posed to any common and many uncommon allergens—such as dust, mold, and a variety of food allergies—he suffers any number of unpleasant effects, including hives, swelling, sneezing, trouble breathing, and the like. This generally manifests itself at the most inconvenient times in the need to make a DC

61

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 15 Fortitude saving throw or suffer a –2 penalty to the attack, skill check, or ability checks being performed. Normal: Constant and neurotic attention to this condition will allow it to function as described. Indifference or failure to treat it properly can increase penalties to –4 to attack, skills, and ability checks at DC 20 to avoid. Special: Especially large concentrations of allergens (e.g.,  brown mold, dust elementals) can cause profound or violent reactions, including the character becoming sickened and –4  penalties to attack, skills, and ability checks, with a DC 20 Fortitude save to avoid.

acters, male characters who take it would have to be exceptionally mincing and poovy.

Defect: Butterfingers [General] A character with this Defect is prone to making mistakes when  performing skills requiring manual dexterity. Prerequisite: Rogue level 1. Detriment: Anytime a character with this Defect attempts to use Dexterity-based Rogue class skills, he suffers –2 on the skill check.

Defect: Chew Materials [General] Defect: Ashy [General] An Ashy character suffers from extremely dry skin. Detriment: A character with this Defect has exceptionally dry, flaky skin, giving him a gray, ashy pallor and causing his epidermis to constantly flake off in a fine powder onto his clothing, armor, and companions. This grayish powder also sloughs off onto the ground, granting a +4 skill check bonus to anyone attempting to track the character (or any group he is with). Because this condition is somewhat disgusting, it also imposes a –1 penalty on any Charisma-based skill checks in which the character is trying to elicit a positive response from other people.

Defect: Bitch [General] A character with this Defect generally considers herself to be assertive but is actually pushy and unpleasant. Detriment: Because she is so strident, a Bitch suffers a –2  penalty on all Charisma-based skill checks. Special: Although this Defect is not limited to female char-

A character with this Defect has a problem with absentmindedly gnawing on his spell components, sometimes ruining or even devouring them. Prerequisite: Spellcaster level 1st. Detriment:  Because a character inclined to Chew Materials is often surprised to discover his components damaged or  missing, he suffers a 10% chance of spell failure for any spell requiring a material component. Furthermore, he must replace the component in question for any spell that fails as a result of  this Defect before he can attempt to cast it again.

Defect: Cold Susceptibility [General] This Defect makes the character afflicted with it especially  prone to the effects of cold. Detriment: A character with cold susceptibility suffers a  –4 penalty on saving throws versus mundane or magical cold,  breath weapons, attempts to resist the adverse effects of cold weather, and the like.

Defect: Curtailed Spells [Metamagic] A character with this Defect casts spells that do not last nearly as long as they should. Prerequisite: Spellcaster level 1st. Detriment: All spells cast by a character with this Defect last half as long as normal. Spells with durations of concentration, instantaneous, or permanent are not affected.

Defect: Declines to Use Quivers Quivers [General] [General] Despite the convenience offered by quivers for the storage of  arrows and bolts, characters with this Defect prefer to clutch them in their hands, tie them to their legs, stuff them into back-

62

Chapter 5: Defects  packs, or haul them around in any number of bizarre ways. Prerequisite: Proficiency with a weapon that fires arrows or bolts. Detriment: Obtaining a missile becomes a standard action and either add one round to the time it takes to use a weapon or, if a character receives multiple attacks per round, reduces one of them. Thus, for a character who can only make one attack per round, a heavy crossbow can only be fired once every three rounds, and a bow or a light crossbow once every two rounds.

Defect: Declines to Use Scabbards [General] Inexplicably, a character with this Defect refuse to use scab bards, sheathes, or similar cases for weapons like his swords and daggers, preferring to carry them in any number of eccentric ways (e.g., tying them onto a board strapped on the forearm, tucking them directly into a belt). Prerequisite: Proficiency with edged weapons normally carried in scabbards. Detriment: Retrieving an edged weapon becomes a hazardous activity that requires the character with this Defect to make a DC 15 Reflex saving throw whenever they attempt to do so. If drawing such a weapon is made a full-round action, this saving throw is made at +4, but if it is attempted using the Quick Draw Feat, it is at –4 (these two circumstances cancel each other out). If this save is failed, the character will accidentally inflict regular weapon damage upon himself (not including Strength bonuses). Special: If the character rolls a natural 1 when he fails his Reflex saving throw, he must make another save, and if this one also fails, he inflicts critical damage upon himself.

spells whose ranges are not close, medium, or long, do not have Decreased ranges.

Defect: Delicate [General] A character with this Defect is able to sustain less physical damage than typical members of his class. Detriment: When a character takes this Defect, the base number of hit points he gains at that level is halved, rounded up (and modified for Constitution as usual). This can never be more than 1 from a d4, 2 from a d6, 3 from a d8, 4 from a d10, or  5 from a d12 (and, optionally, these numbers can simply be taken as defaults).

Defect: Dwarfism [General] A character with this Defect is much smaller than other creatures of its sort and is disproportionately formed, with a normal-sized head and torso but stubby arms, legs, hands, and feet. Detriment: A creature suffering from Dwarfism is between half and two-thirds normal height and weight for a creature of  its sort and a movement rate that is likewise two-thirds normal (e.g., base 20 rather than 30 for a Human). Despite the adjustment in stature, this Defect does not change a character’s size category and does not  bestow any size-based penalties or bonuses. Depending on its actual appearance, a character with Dwarfism

Defect: Decreased Spells [Metamagic] A character with this Defect casts spells that cannot reach are far as usual. Prerequisite: Spellcaster level 1st. Detriment: All spells with a range of close, medium, or long cast by a character with this Defect have just half as much range as normal. A Decreased spell with a range of close has a range of 12 ½ ft. + 5 ft./4 levels, a medium-range spell has a range of 50 ft. + 5 ft./level, and a long-range spell has a range o f  200 ft. + 20 ft./level. Spells whose ranges are not defined by distance, as well as

63

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut might also suffer from various racial enmities (e.g., a Human with this Defect might appear to some Kobolds like a real Dwarf  and suffer their hatred as a result). Special: This Defect does not bestow any of the racial benefits enjoyed by true Dwarves, such as Stability or not being slowed when wearing medium or heavy armor or carrying a medium or heavy load.

Defect: Dyslexic [General] A character with this Defect transposes letters, numbers, and other written characters and can make mistakes accordingly. Detriment: Any time a dyslexic character must read any sort of critical runes, text, maps, or the like that would normally  be an automatically accomplished action, he must make at DC 10 Int check. If he rolls a natural 1 or fails this roll by 5 or more, he will actually derive incorrect or incomplete information (and if he rolls both a natural 1 and fails the roll by 5 or more, the DM should ensure that this information is critically wrong). He also suffers a –2 penalty on Decipher Script and Forgery skill checks, as well as Spellcraft checks involving books, scrolls, or other written materials. Normal: Characters with this Defect are sometimes mistaken for “retards,” regardless of their actual Intelligence.

out random variables. Special: A character with this Defect may receive one offsetting Feat when this Defect is taken and a second offsetting Defect once he has gained two more levels as a spellcaster  (assuming offsetting Feats is an option the DM allows in his campaign).

Defect: Effeminate/Butch [General] A character with this defect looks like they were born a member  of the opposite sex. Men are slender, with soft features and little body hair, while women have a heavy build, chisele d features, and quite often have hair where most other women don’t. Detriment: A character who is Effeminate/Butch is considered to always be making a Disguise check to appear as a member of the opposite sex unless naked. They take no penalty for this check, nor does any negative Charisma modifier  apply (a positive Charisma modifier applies normally). All other  uses of the Disguise skill are made normally.

Defect: Fat [General]

Defect: Enfeebled Spells [Metamagic]

Defect: Fire Susceptibility [General]

A character with this Defect casts spells that are much weaker  than they should be. Prerequisite: Spellcaster level 1st. Detriment: All variable, numeric effects of spells cast by a character with this Defect are reduced by one-half. Saving throws and opposed rolls are not affected, nor are spells with-

This Defect makes the character afflicted with it especially  prone to the effects of fire. Detriment: A character with this Defect suffers a –4 penalty on saving throws versus mundane or magical fire, alchemist’s fire, attempts to keep from catching on fire, and the like.

64

A character with this Defect is much heavier than average for  members of his race. Detriment: A fat character suffers –1 on all skills subject to an armor check penalty (i.e., Balance, Climb, Escape Artist, Hide, Jump, Move Silently, Sleight of Hand, and Tumble), as well as Swim. Furthermore, he has trouble finding clothing, armor, and other accessories that fit properly and must pay 50% more than normal prices for them. A fat character also eats twice as much as a normal character of his race.

Chapter 5: Defects Defect: Fixated on Bullshit [General]

Defect: Fugly [General]

A character with this Defect focuses on minor or irrelevant details rather than the big picture and is obsessed with processes rather than results (e.g., making sure the contents of a campsite are neat and organized, rather than accessible for  convenience or defense). Detriment: Whenever a character who is Fixated on Bullshit makes a skill check to notice something — typically Listen, Search, or Spot — he or she suffers risk of a critical failure twice as often as normal (i.e., on a natural roll of 1 or 2). Furthermore, whenever he has the chance, such a char acter must make a Will saving throw (DC 10) to avoid taking some action, making a criticism, etc., appropriate to this Defect (e.g., “Good job sneak attacking that Orc, but it would have been nice if you could have shaved this morning.”). Many such characters, naturally, choose to simply waive this save. Special: In some groups or societies, this Defect is actually considered an asset. Professional bureaucrats, for example, are often unable to advance without it.

A character with this Defect is really f***ing ugly. Detriment: Regardless of  her Charisma (e.g., “a good  personality”), a character with this Defect is exceptionally ugly, causing her to suffer –2 on all Charisma-based skill checks (e.g., Diplomacy, Bluff). Special: This penalty does not apply when the character  is dealing with feminist and  blind characters. This Defect can be taken multiple times, with effects that stack.

Defect: Freakishly Tall [General] A character with this Defect is much taller than normal mem bers of his race. Detriment: Afreakishly tall character suffers an Armor Class  penalty of –1 and must have all of his clothing and armor  custom made or altered to fit, paying 50% more than normal  prices for them.

Defect: Hematophobia [General] A character with this Defect suffers an extreme aversion to the sight of blood. Prerequisite: Ability to see blood. Detriment: Anytime a character with Hematophobia is ex posed to the sight of blood, she must make a DC 10 Will saving throw or become weakened, losing 1d6 points of Str. Furthermore, if she fails this saving throw by 5 or more points, she will faint and remain unconscious for 1d10+10 rounds. If the character herself suffers Slashing or Piercing damage, the DC for  this saving throw increases by +2 or is equal to the amount of  damage sustained by a wound, whichever is greater. The greatest amount of Strength loss a character can suffer  in a single day as the result of this Defect is 6 points.

Defect: Horny [General] A character with this Defect is constantly turned on and unable to keep from coming on to members of the opposite sex. Detriment: A horny character has a libido roughly equivalent to that of a 13-year-old boy, inducing him to flirt with and try to get into bed characters to which he is sexually attracted (e.g., virtually all female characters). Anytime the character is in the presence of someone to which he would be attracted, it should be assumed that he is constantly coming onto and harassing them. Even in dangerous situations, however, the Horny charac-

65

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut exposed to such effects however—or if retreating from them is impossible or impractical—the character will suffer a –2 penalty to all attacks, saving throws, and skill checks.

Defect: Indecisive [General] A character with this Defect has trouble making quick decisions under pressure. Detriment: An indecisive character suffers –4 on initiative checks.

Defect: Junkie [General]

ter has trouble resisting this inclination, and at least once per  minute (10 rounds) must make a Will saving throw in order to resist the urge to chat up the target (generally the female with the highest Charisma). DC for this Will save is 15 plus the Cha modifier of the target (if the Horny character’s life is actually threatened, however, then the DC drops to 5 plus the Cha modifier).

Defect: Hot Flashes Flashes [General] [General] A woman with this Defect suffers from debilitating surges of  high internal temperatures. Prerequisite:  Female, Middle-Aged. Detriment: Once per hour—typically at the most inconvenient time during that hour—the menopausal woman must make a DC 15 Fortitude saving throw. If she fails the save, the character will suffer a –2 penalty on all attacks, saving throws, and skill checks for 3d6+12 rounds. This save is modified by the armor check penalty for any worn armor; by –2 if it is warmer  than 80 degrees Fahrenheit; and by +4 if it is below freezing.

Defect: Hypersensitive [General] A character with this Defect is extremely sensitive to strong smells, loud noises, and the like. Detriment: When exposed to strong sensory stimuli, a hy persensitive character will generally retreat from them. While

66

A character with this Defect is addicted to some substance that allows them to function normally if taken regularly. Detriment: Any day a junkie is unable to get an adequate fix, she suffers –2 to all ability scores. Typical habits cost 1 gp  per day to maintain, assuming availability of the substance in question (e.g., laudanum, crack, grain alcohol). This Defect can be taken multiple times, with effects that stack (e.g., two instances of it would affect all ability scores by –4 and cost 2 gp per day to maintain).

Defect: Klutz [General] A character with this Defect is exceptionally clu msy and prone to tripping and dropping things. Prerequisite: Sluggish Reflexes. Detriment: Anytime a character with this Defect runs or  charges, he must make a DC 15 Reflex saving throw or trip and fall prone, suffering 1d3 damage in the process. Furthermore, anytime he rolls a natural 1 or 2 on attack rolls, he must roll again, and if it would be a miss, he accidentally hurls his weapon 5d4 feet in a random direction. If he rolls a natural 1 or 2 on this second roll, however, he injures himself instead, suffering full regular weapon damage.

Defect: Lazy Eye [General] A character with this Defect has eyes that point in different directions. Prerequisite: One or more functional eyes. Detriment:  A character with a lazy eye suffers –1 on Search and Spot skill checks, –1 on missile weapon attacks, and –1 on opposed Charisma-based skill checks. This Defect can be taken multiple times—up to once for each functional eye—with effects that stack.

Chapter 5: Defects Defect: Learning Disabled [General] A character with this Defect has trouble learning things as well or quickly as other characters. Detriment: A learning disabled character must pay two skill  points for each rank in a class skill and three skill points for  each rank in a cross-class skill. Normal: Characters with this Defect are often mistaken for  “retards,” regardless of their actual Intelligence.

mechanical devices (e.g., Disable Device). Furthermore, anytime he makes an attack with a mechanical weapon (e.g., a crossbow) and rolls 1-4, he needs to roll again and, if this second roll is a miss, he suffers some sort of a fumble (which, at the least, will manifest itself as damage to the weapon that must be repaired before it can be used again). This Defect can  be taken multiple times with effects that stack.

Defect: Mediocre [General] Defect: Magic Item Jinx [General] Magic items cannot be used reliably by a character with this Defect. Detriment: Any time a character with this Defect attempts to activate a magic item (e.g., drink a potion, cas t a spell from a scroll), there is a 20% chance that it will simply not function. Similarly, during any given minute, there is a 20% chance that any given passive magic item (e.g., armor, a weapon) will sim ply not function. This Defect can be taken multiple times, increasing the chance of malfunction by 20% each time (to a maximum of 100%). Special: At the DM’s option, this Defect can have the potentially beneficial side effect of allowing characters with it to divest themselves of cursed items (although perhaps after several minutes of wear).

Defect: Malodorous [General] Characters with this Defect naturally produce an overwhelmingly unpleasant body odor. Detriment: All NPC reactions to a character who is Malodorous are lowered by one category (e.g. Friendly characters are instead Indifferent). Also, creatures with the scent ability can detect a character with this Defect at twice the normal range. Survival checks to track a character with this Defect by scent gain a +4 bonus. This character’s odor also masks other  scents in range.

A character with this Defect is not particularly goo d at what he does. Detriment: A Mediocre character suffers a -1 modifier to all skill checks for class skills if he receives 8 or more skill points  per level for any class of which he is a member, -2 if he receives 6 or 7 skill points per level, -3 if he receives 4 or 5 skill points per  level, and -4 of he receives 3 or fewer skill points per level. Special: Many Mediocre characters take this Defect in order to acquire an offsetting Feat that does not enhance their  vocational abilities (e.g., Knowledge (Reality Shows)).

Defect: Missing an Eye [General] A character with this Defect has one less eye than he is sup posed to. Prerequisite: Ability to see with at least one functional eye. Detriment: A character that is missing an eye suffers –2 on Search and Spot skill checks and –2 on missile weap on attacks  because of impaired depth perception.

Defect: Mechanical Jinx [General] A character with this Defect cannot reliably use mechanical devices. Detriment:  Whenever a character with this Defect attempts to use any sort of mechanical device (e.g., locks), there is a 10% chance that it will simply not function properly. He also suffers a -2 penalty when making any skill checks involving

67

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Defect: Mis-Brew Potion [Item Creation] A character with this defect tends to produce potions that don’t quite work properly. Prerequisite:  Brew Potion. Detriment: Whenever a character with this Defect creates a potion, the game master must make a DC 20 Craft (Alchemy) skill check for her. If this fails, the potion has some sort of  relatively minor defect (this can be determined based on circumstances, by rolling on the Potion Miscibility Table in the chapter on Defective Items, or by any other means the game master deems appropriate). If the check is a critical failure, the defect affecting the potion should be at least twice as profound as it would otherwise be.

Prerequisite: Cha 9 or less OR Fugly*. Detriment: A monstrous look-alike is so bizarrely ugly that he looks uncannily like a specific type of unpopular monster  (e.g., flesh golem, hobgoblin, zombie), evoking appropriate responses from the world at large (members of the actual monster type in question will rarely make this mistake, however, generally denying the character of any benefit he might hope to eke from this Defect). Reactions to monstrous-looking characters must be determined on a case-by-case basis, but will generally range from indifference, to –4 on opposed Cha-based skill checks, to immediate, outright violence.

Defect: Narcoleptic [General] Defect: Monstrous Look-Alike [General] A character with this Defect is so hideous that he is routinely mistaken for some sort of monster.

A character with this Defect is prone to falling asleep at any time. Detriment: Every round of action, a character with this Defect must make a will saving throw or fall asleep as for one minute (10 rounds). DC for this save starts at 5 and increases  by one with every successful save. It reverts to DC 5 after the character awakes from a Narcoleptic nap.

Defect: Nearsighted [General] A character with this Defect has difficulty seeing things beyond the tip of his nose. Prerequisite: Ability to see. Detriment: A Nearsighted character suffers –4 on Search checks, Spot checks, and missile weapon attacks. Special: An appropriate set of glasses can provide a +2  bonus to a Nearsighted character and partially offset this Defect.

Defect: Obese [General] A character with this Defect is really, really fat. Prerequisite: Fat*. Detriment: An obese character suffers –2 on all skills sub ject to an armor check penalty—Balance, Climb, Escape Artist, Hide, Jump, Move Silently, Sleight of Hand, and Tumble—and Swim. She also has reduced normal speed, 20 unencumbered and 15 encumbered if of a race with a normal move of 30, and 15 unencumbered and 10 encumbered if of a race with a normal move of 20. Furthermore, being so big, she suffers an Armor  Class penalty of –1 and has trouble finding clothing, armor,

68

Chapter 5: Defects

 W ea  We arr i n g

G Gll as a ss e s

Characters might end up wearing various sorts of eyewear  for any number of reasons. Examples could include magnifying spectacles for offsetting Defects like Nearsighted, sunglasses for preventing the adverse effects of extremely bright light, and magical goggles that can allow their wearers to see such things as invisible creatures and magical auras. Keeping those glasses in place when they need to be there can constitute a constant nuisance, however. Preventing Knock-Offs To start with, any time a character wearing glasses makes a Reflex saving throw, a Dexterity-based skill check, or a Dexterity ability check, he must make a DC 15 Reflex saving throw or have the glasses fall off. They will land in a rando m direction a number of feet away equal to the amount by which the save was failed, minus 5. Furthermore, any time a character wearing glasses suffers melee damage, falling damage, or damage from large objects (e.g., a giant’s thrown boulder), he must make a Reflex saving throw with a DC equal to the damage or have his glasses knocked off. They will land in a random direction a number of feet away equal to the amount by which the save was failed. As a move-equivalent action when making any such saving throws, a character can clutch at the glasses in an attempt to keep them in place, gaining +4 in the process. Additionally, all such saving throws are at -4 for monocles and at +4 for glasses equipped with some sort of strap to  prevent them from falling off. Game masters should ensure, however, that such measures end up being more trouble than they are worth (e.g., by having them get caught on things, by making them likely to choke characters whose glasses have slipped down around their necks). Consequences of Knock-Offs If a saving throw to prevent glasses from being knocked off  is a critical failure (i.e., a roll of a natural “1” confi rmed by a simple failure), then the character’s glasses are broken and cannot be used again until repaired. If a glasses-wearing character gets his eyewear knocked off, he will typically

utter a phrase like “My glasses!” and must make a DC 10 Will saving throw to resist the urge to try to immediately retrieve them as a move-equivalent action. This check is made at -4 for characters with Defects or conditions that make them dependent on their glasses (e.g., Nearsighted). Anytime a pair of glasses get knocked off their wearer, they are at risk of being stepped on until retrieved. Anyone adjacent to a square into which a pair of glasses has been knocked can use an attack to deliberately step on or strike the glasses with a weapon, breaking them on a successful attack against AC 11. Furthermore, anyone moving around in or through a square might accidentally step on and break  them. This is determined by making a d20 roll and adding Strength modifiers and the same size modifiers used for  Grapple checks and, if the result is 21 or greater, they are stepped on and crushed. If a character is in the process of casting a spell when his glasses are knocked off, any Concentration checks he subsequently has to make to keep from losing the spell are at -4. Furthermore, if a character has his glasses knocked off while casting a spell from a scroll, there is a 50% chance of spell failure, rolled after any Concentration checks have been resolved. Aesthetic Concerns Finally, the sorts of eyeglasses created in Medieval, Renaissance, and fantasy societies are likely to be relatively crude, grim-looking affairs (e.g., like the “birth control” glasses associated with the 1950s and the U.S. military, or worse). As a result, characters wearing such accessories generally suffer  a -2 penalty on Charisma-based skill checks. Repairing Broken Glasses There are a number of ways to repair damaged gla sses in the game, including various uses of the Craft skill. This may not often be practical while adventuring however, and magic is more likely to be applicable under such circumstances; three separate Mend  spells — one for each lens and one for the frames — will generally fix a pair, as will a single casting of   Make Whole.

69

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Detriment: Acharacter with this defect is compelled to carry at least half of his light load encumbrance limit worth of eccentric “clutter” of various sorts (e.g., a Strength 10 character  must carry at least 17 pounds of trinkets). Additionally, he must carry at least as many items as he has points of strength (e.g., the aforementioned character might carry a dozen tuning forks weighing a total of three pounds and a 14 pound broken  piece of a blacksmith’s anvil). Weapons, armor, coins, valuable treasure, objects worth more than 10 gp, and magic items may not be counted against the clutter. After any given encounter  he will pick-up at least one object (candle, ink vial, piece of  coal, ear). He may discard an existing object as long as the aforementioned quantity and weight limits are adhered to. If a character finds himself unable to meet the item requirements, he becomes Depressed (new condition, see above). Normal: Characters can carry whatever they wish.

Defect: Peaked [General] A character with this Defect is less healthy than usual. Detriment:  This Defect inflicts a –2 penalty on all Fortitude saving throws.

Defect: Phobia [General]

and other accessories that fit properly and must pay double normal prices for them. An obese character also eats three times as much as a normal character of her race.

Defect: Other Ways of Knowing [General] A character with this Defect subscribes to some baseless, outlandish set of beliefs that she feels compelled to reveal to others (e.g., that Gnomes clandestinely control trade and finance, that the Common tongue was created expressly for pur poses of subjugating females). Detriment: When dealing with anyone who does not subscribe to her own bizarre beliefs, the character suffers -2 to his Charisma score (when dealing with people who sh are the same  beliefs, it is unaffected).

Defect: Pack Rat [General] A character with this Defect is compelled to gather vario us and sundry items, generally of questionable practical utility.

70

Due to trauma or innate fear, the unfortunate character with this Defect goes to pieces when confronted with certain ob jects, creatures, or situations. Detriment: A character with this Defect is shaken and suffers a –2 penalty on all attack, saving throw, ability, and skill check rolls, as well as damage rolls, when confronted with the object of his Phobia. This Defect can be taken multiple times and applies to a different phobia each time. Typical Phobias center on creatures, situations, objects, or elements, and negative effects apply when the source of the fear can be sensed (e.g., seen) and is within 30 feet. Creatures with phobias must make a Will saving throw (DC 12) each round in order to willingly move or stay closer to such a source. Creature Phobias are generally toward one of the broad categories of creature—aberrations, animals, constructs, dragons, elementals, fey, giants, humanoids, magical beasts, monstrous humanoids, oozes, outsiders, plant creatures, undead, and vermin. A DM might also allow a Phobia to be rooted in some broad physical characteristic, such as men and/or male creatures, women and/or female creatures, children, or crea-

Chapter 5: Defects tures with fur, feathers, scales, or hooves. Phobias can also be toward specific types of creatures within the previously mentioned categories, such as cats, dogs, worms, horses, spiders, sharks, ghosts, rats, human children, lawful or chaotically aligned monsters, Frenchmen, etc. Such specific phobias are generally more intense, inflicting –3 penalties and affecting the character when they are within 45 feet. Situational phobias can be toward types of places (enclose d, deep, high, dry/desert, sea or seaside, night or dark, bridges, streets), certain conditions or objects (crowds, blood, water, fire, heat, cold, mirrors, noise, traveling, being alone, dirt, nudity, the color red), or the possibility/probability of an occurrence (injury, heat, death, surgery, blushing, working, being  buried alive, speaking in public, getting married, having sex). There is also fear of numbers, most commonly the number 13 (a Defect Thorin and company suffered from in J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit ). If a DM deems a particular phobia is sufficiently obscure, he can feel free to enhance its effects to –3 or even –4 and increase the distance to which it applies to 45 or 60 feet. Special: At the DM’s discretion, all medusas and vampires may take an extra Feat in exchange for their fear of mirrors.

other usually involuntary antics while moving at greater than normal speeds. Detriment: When running or charging, a character who Runs Like a Girl does not cover quite as much ground as a normal person, only ¾ of the normal increased rate (i.e., x1.5 instead of double rate, x2.25 instead of triple rate, and x3 instead of quadruple rate). Furthermore, for each round of increased movement, the character must make a Reflex save or   be off (d6: 1-3 left, 4-6 right) by a foot for every place by which the save is failed (which could have additional unforeseen consequences). DC for this save is 10 for movement that is normally double, 15 for movement that is normally triple, and 20 for movement that is normally quadruple. Normal: At the DM’s option, this Defect can be made standard for female characters. In this case, however, they are still entitled to an offsetting Feat in exchange for it (e.g., Nice Body).

Defect: Poison Susceptibility [General] This Defect makes the character afflicted with it especially  prone to the effects of poison. Detriment: A character with this Defect suffers a –4 penalty on saving throws versus poison.

Defect: Pyromania [General] Characters with pyromania thrive on watching and starting fires. Detriment: Each day, a character with this Defect must make a DC 10 Will saving throw or set fire to something of value or  for which there could be repercussions (e.g., an outhouse, a stand of timber). The DC of this save increases by 1 each day the character resists setting a fire. Normal: Creatures of the fire subtype can take this as a  personality trait but not in exchange for a Feat.

Defect: Runs Like a Girl [General] Characters with this Defect — quite often women, effete males, or Elves — wiggle their hips, flail their arms, and engage in

71

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Defect: Selfless Counselor (aka, “Ho’s Disorder”) [General] A character with this Defect is more interested in the actions of  other characters than in his own. Detriment: Each round, a Selfless Counselor must make a Will saving throw in order to undertake an action (DC equal to 10 plus the number of characters in the party). If he makes it, he can act as desired. If he fails it, however, he must spend the round selflessly directing the actions of the other people in his  party. Normal: If desired, the Selfless Counselor can opt to waive the saving throw and willingly use this “ability.” A character  with this Defect is not affected by it when he is alone.

Defect: Stubby Fingers [General] A character with this defect has short, fat little sausage fingers, typically 3/4 to 1/2 as long as a normal for a member of  that race and size. Detriment: A character with Stubby Fingers has difficulty holding onto normal items. Unless equipped with specially designed weapons, shields, tools, and the like (which can be modified at +50% to their normal price), they must make a Dex (DC 10) each time they attack, are attacked, or otherwise might lose hold of the item. A failed check means the character drops the weapon on a miss or does only half damage on a hit (rounded down).

Defect: Terminal [General] Defect: Shiftless [General] A character with this Defect is extremely lazy and cannot see the point of expending effort for anything. Detriment:  A Shiftless character is permanently affected as if by the spell Slow. Any particular round he may attempt to overcome the effects of this defect by making a Will saving throw (DC 12) and, if successful, can act norma lly.

Defect: Sluggish Reflexes [General] A character with this Defect has slower than usual reflexes. Detriment: This Defect inflicts a –2 penalty on all Reflex saving throws.

A character with this Defect is irreversibly dying. Detriment: A character with this Defect has a condition (determined jointly by the player and the GM) that will kill him in 5d10+50 days. No mundane or magical effects can avert this,  but a  Limited Wish spell can add one day to the character’s remaining time, while a Wish or Miracle adds one day per caster  level. Once this condition kills the character, nothing short of  divine intervention can bring him back. If the character is killed earlier for another reason, he can be brought back to life normally, but still has the same amount of time left as he did when he was killed.

Defect: Throws Like a Girl [General] Characters with this Defect—quite often women or Elves—  throw rocks, daggers, grenadelike missiles, and other hurled weapons in a weak, limpwristed manner. Detriment: When making an attack with a thrown weapon, a character with this Defect suffers –2 on her attack rolls. Normal: At the DM’s option, this Defect can be made standard for female characters. In this case, however, they are still entitled to an offsetting Feat in exchange for it.

Defect: Tool [General] A character with this Defect is easily manipulated and used by others. Detriment: A Tool suffers a –2 penalty on Sense Motive skill checks and –2 on Will saving throws agains t mind-affecting spells and similar effects. Furthermore, anytime someone achieves a critical success with a Bluff skill check against such

72

Chapter 5: Defects a character, the Tool must attempt to oppose it with a Sense Motive skill check. If failed, the Tool will be affected by the  bluff as if by the spell Suggestion.

Defect: Tourette’s Syndrome [General] A character with this Defect is unable to control the urge to shout and snarl obscenities, affecting his ability communicate or cast spells. Detriment: A character with Tourette’s syndrome suffers a  –3 penalty on all Charisma-based skill checks made in opposition to anyone offended by profanity (e.g., Diplomacy, Bluff), and might be subjected to animosity, fines, or other sanctions. Furthermore, because of the audible component of this Defect, a character suffering from it also suffers –3 on stealth-based skills, such as Hide and Move Silently. Spellcasters with this defect have it even worse, and suffer a 20% chance of spell failure, cumulative with any other chances of spell failure (e.g., armor).

Defect: Unlucky [General] The unfortunate character with this Defect has chronic bad luck. Detriment: A character who is Unlucky suffer a –1 penalty on all attack, saving throw, ability, and skill check rolls. This Defect can be taken multiple times, with stacking effects.

 but characters might acquire it through some enervating effect (e.g., contact with flesh-eating bacteria). Attacks affected by Weapon Finesse are not subject to this Defect.

Defect: Vestigial Arms [General] A creature with this Defect has exceptionally weak arms and hands, greatly reducing their effectiveness for tasks like wielding weapons or opening jars. Examples include most Tyrannosaurus Rexes and many women. Prerequisite: One or more arms or forelimbs. Detriment: All melee attacks, Strength-based skill checks, and Strength checks involving the forelimbs or hands of a character with Vestigial Arms are at –2 (i.e., effective Strength is considered to be 4 places lower than actual for these pur poses). Furthermore, such characters can only wield Light weapons one-handed, require two hands for One-Handed melee weapons, and cannot use normal Two-Handed weapons at all (optionally, such characters could use weapons normally if  they were designed for creatures at least one size category smaller than that of the character with Vestigial Arms). Special: Most characters with this Defect start off with it,

Defect: Villainous Look-Alike [General] A character with this Defect is the spitting image of a relatively well-known villain. Detriment:  A villainous look-alike has enough appearance, mannerisms, and other qualities in common with some notorious villain — living or dead, real or legendary — that he is routinely mistaken for him. While clever characters will periodically be able to turn this Defect to their advantage, DMs should ensure that such episodes are short-lived and that ap propriate nemesis turn up to make the character pay for his “crimes.”

Defect: Weak-Willed [General] A character with this Defect lacks willpower. Detriment:  This Defect inflicts a –2 penalty on all Will saving throws.

73

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

74

Chapter 6: Defective It ems

H

ow often do you end up with something that just doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to? There is no reason to think the inhabitants of a fantasy world would be immune from the bane of defective items, and including them in the game can provide both amusements and challenges (usually the former for  the DM and the latter for the party).

Some of the following items are merely tasteless or of questionable value. Many of them appear to be normal or superior  items of their type and will function most of the time or after a fashion (and some of them may be genuinely useful in narrow circumstances). Sustained use, however, will eventually reveal their defects. Such items can make ideal “treasure” for lowlevel parties, be sold to them by merchants, or otherwise be fobbed off on them. Unscrupulous or unwitting vendors will almost always sell these items for the same price as non-defective items of the same sort. Items designated as masterwork are those for which the

“masterwork component” was successfully created but for  which the Craft check for the item itself was botched. A successful DC 20 Appraise check can reveal many of these defects in advance. An appropriate skill check (e.g., Craft DC 20) can, at the DM’s option, sometimes fix the defect in question. While several of the items listed in this section are magic, none of them are actually new magic items, just ones that are somehow defective.  DM’s are encouraged to bastardize these items as desired, use them as inspiration for defective items of their own creation.

Defective Item Descriptions

 batch inflicts half normal damage.

Chafing Armor: This moderately ill-fitting armor can be of any variety and has armor check penalties 1 worse than usual (e.g.,  –6 instead of –5 for Chainmail). Size Fine Magic Weapons: These miniature armaments are generally small enough that several might be found on a single charm bracelet and inflict base damage of 1 to 1d4 damage (“decreasing weapons damage,” DMG). Characters may not show proper appreciation for such small favors unless they are the only weapons available against creatures only fully harmed by magic.

Non-Holy Water: Held in vials convincingly emblazoned with holy symbols, this is absolutely normal water (“Yeah, you hit with the vial, but you’re not sure how  badly the zombies are injured by your holy water.”). Masterwork Battleax: On a natural attack roll of 1-4, the head of this weapon will become detached from the haft and fly off of it.

Touchy Thunderstone: Anytime a character handles this item, he must make a DC 15 Reflex saving throw to avoid having it go off in his hand.

Wobbly Whore Shoes: These high, cork-soled, strappy pumps grant a +2 circumstance bonus on Profession (Prostitute) skill checks, but also inflict a –2 penalty on Balance checks and reduce the character’s movement as if she were wearing Medium armor.

Lukewarm Alchemist’s Fire: This  product of a defective or expired

Blister Boots: If worn for at least half a day, these ill-made  boots will affect their wearer as if he had stepped on caltrops

75

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut with each foot. They are available in stupid, blue, open-toe sandals for the ladies. Hypersensitive Alchemist’s Fire: This unstable liquid inflicts twice the normal damage. It is extremely volatile, however, and there is a 20% chance anytime it is used or unduly jostled that it will simply explode in its flask, inflicting damage on the person carrying or wielding it. Buggy Rations: These Rations are a bit older than advertised, or else have been stored poorly and, as a result, suffer from rodent contamination or vermin infestation. In the case of rodent droppings, the rations may be sold as “Bursting with Flavor!!!” If vermin are actively present in the food, it may be advertised as a special: “Now With Extra Protein!!!” Infested Rope: The fibers of this otherwise normal and wellcrafted rope have minuscule insect eggs maturing in them. A week after being purchased, the rope will begin to deteriorate as the eggs begin to hatch and the tiny insects begin to feast on its fibers (incurring a cumulative 5% chance of breaking per  use). Masterwork Longsword:  On a natural attack roll of 1-2, the  blade will detach itself from the hilt and fly 1d10 feet in a random direction. It can be re-attached with an appropriate DC 15 Craft roll, but will continue to exhibit the same problems unless  properly repaired by a professional craftsman.

Signet Ring: This poorly-made  piece of jewelry (perhaps custom made for the character wearing it) cannot make a proper im pression upon wax, and will either mash it into an unrecognizable smear (50%) or create an impression markedly different from what it is supposed to look  like. Potion of Cure Light Wounds: While this potion will heal 1d8+1  points of damage, it will also require the character to get some  bed rest, knocking him out for a full nine hours. Freaky Rations: These Rations are not exactly as advertised, using cheap, mildly off-putting substitute ingredients. Examples: the “beef jerky” is made out of rattlesnake steaks; the trail mix contains dried cicadas for extra crunch; jellies and  jams have wasp larvae for filler and moisture (a perfectly normal protein source in Thailand and Malaysia); or snack sacks have fried chicken feet and toasted sow’s ears. Heavy Armor: This well-made armor is especially thick. Add +1 to the AC it would normally provide, double its weight, and treat it as the next weight class. If it is already “heavy,” then treat it as “damned heavy.” It is not reasonable to expect that characters will be proficient with the heaviest varieties of such armor, which will cause it to inflict egregious penalties on both skill checks and attacks. Hardcore Iron Rations: These Iron Rations have been a little over-designed for being long-lasting and a little under-designed for actually being edible. Meat jerky and hardtack bread are either brick-hard or as tough and fibrous as wood. Dried fruit is like old, hard, brittle leather; powdered scrambled eggs are like sawdust and when heated with water added, stir up into a disgusting lumpy cardboard gruel; survival chocolate has the consistency of a hockey puck (think WWII C-Rations, only worse). It is up to the DM as to whether characters actually take damage (1d4 suggested) trying to bite (cracked teeth) or digest (intestinal distress) these barely nutritional supplements.

76

Chapter 6: Defective It ems Softcore Pitons: The outer metal of these climbing pitons is of  the proper type, passes scratch tests, and resists initial attempts at bending. However, the pitons have been smithed by rolling a harder layer of metal (thick enough to fool the buyer) around a cheap core of inferior, inappropriate metal. There is a cumulative 5% chance per use that a softcore piton will break. Lumpy Bedroll: If used for sleeping, this bedroll will keep the user awake at least half the night, thus preventing arcane casters from memorizing their spells. Furthermore, any user will  become fatigued  after one night’s use and exhausted   after a second. Disguise Kit, Clown’s, Masterwork: This masterwork disguise kit contains all the props and accessories required to disguise oneself as a clown (e.g., oversized shoes, polka-dot jumpsuits, orange wigs, red noses). If used in such a manner, it imparts a +2 circumstance bonus. Used for any other sort of disguise, it imposes a –2 circumstance penalty. Special Clothes: These half-price clothes emblazoned with apparently decorative or harmless colored patches, stripes, dots, or other distinguishing marks identify their wearer as having some special condition: deafness, idiocy, venereal disease, or whatever else will provide the most confusion, annoyance, and amusement. Non-True-North Compass: This compass does not necessarily have enough deviation that it will be readily noticed. It is significant enough, however, that Survival skill checks used to determine direction are made at –2 and, at the DM’s option, users who  pass their checks may end up as much as 30 degrees off  course.

Tiny Carpet of F lying : This fully-functional magic carpet is 1 ft. by 2 ft., has a capacity of 16 lb., can move at speed 30, weighs ½  pound, and has a market value of 1,250 gp. It can generally accommodate a single size Tiny creature (which could make it ideal for a familiar). Beautiful Rations: Sold at standard prices, or slightly more, these rations are exceptionally beautiful and delicious looking. They are, however, ceramic, wood, and/or wax models designed for use in store front displays and the like. Threadbare Sacks: These canvas sacks are only about half as thick as they should be and will not hold up well under stress. If one is filled with items as heavy as coins, it will rip out immediately, and if filled with lighter goods, it will start to bulge and fray and is 50% likely to rip out anytime it is subjected to stress.

Potion of Binding Strength: This draught functions in all ways like a normal  Potion of Strength, increasing its drinker’s Strength by +4. Unfortunately, it also causes the imbiber’s muscles to become abnormally large and tight, reducing his speed by 5 and imposing upon him a –4 Armor Check Penalty. Contaminated Hooch: This distilled liquor of any sort has ended up with a significant amount of contaminants in it. For every shot someone drinks of it, they must make a DC 10 Fortitude saving throw or go blind for 24 hours. If this saving throw is a critical failure, the blindness will last at least 1d4+1 days instead, after which the victim can make a new DC 10 Fortitude save each day to see of his sight returns. Emerald Slime: This alchemically modified form of Green Slime holds its form if frozen and appears to be actual emerald (Ap praise DC 20 to tell otherwise). An hour after being frozen or  removed from freezing temperatures, however, it will suddenly

77

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Random

Malfunctions

(d40)

DMs can draw upon the following items as desired for  inspiration and expand upon them as necessary. d40 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 39 40

Malfunction Squeaky boots (–2 Move Silently) Tangled rope (1d100 minutes to untangle) Equipment missing from kit (e.g., missing pick from Lockpick Set; must make DC 10 skill check in order to obtain benefit) Torn (50%) or flawed (50%) map/scroll (1d100% arcane failure) Hair in ale Bookworms/silverfish in spellbook (1d100% arcane failure) Tooth/body part in rations (roll on Body Parts subtable) Rust (weapon stuck, etc.) (50% weapon hp) Snake in bedroll Small animal/insect droppings in pricey wine/ale Termite-infested wooden shield (50% armor hp) Leaky potion/ink/oil/water container (10%/day spillage) Wet spell book/components (10%/day destruction) Sticky tree sap (–1 on Reflex saves) Broken wagon wheel Barding/saddle chafes mount (1d4 hp/day) Bulky treasure Faulty –1 weapons (e.g., warped arrows) Shaved coins (–10% value) Faux pearls Inexplicably stained clothing Drippy candles (half normal burning time) Defective spell components Insect damage to item (random) Worthless treasure (e.g., “huge diamond” really a quartz crystal) Condensation (on mirror, in spyglass, etc.) (unusable) Funny-smelling water  Lead slugs instead of regular coins Wilted mistletoe/holly Hard break (e.g., breaks dagger) Poorly tuned instrument (–2 Perform) Mundane holy item Profaned (50%) or damaged (50%) holy item Hair falls off furred item Poison ivy Non-masterwork item Key breaks in lock Soggy tinderbox

78

revert to slime form. Gem-sized bits of this vile stuff are most common, but larger object, like statues, are known to have  been formed from it. Excessively Second-Hand Artisan’s Kit: Whoever purchaes this kit is not its first owner, nor the second, nor possibly even third. Astute characters will soon notice that the previous wear  on these tools is skewing the results of their labor (-1 to Craft checks). Items produced by a craftsman using such a kit are unlikely to be fine enough to take enchantments or be used as spell components in any but the lowest-level spells. At the GM’s discretion, a saleable item may be of noticeably lower  quality. Roll 1d12 and bite the top layer of profit off (e.g., if the item’s intended value is 1,000 gp and the DM rolls an 8, she should subtract 80 from 1,000 and reset the value of the item at 920 gp). Infectious Shuriken: These shuriken have been previously used on a variety of noxious creatures and never adequately cleaned. Each time a character handles one of these point weapons, the GM should secretly roll a DC 10 Fortitude ch eck to see if the character contracts a disease. Roll on Table 2-3, Diseases, until something appropriately nasty comes up. Acid: This alchemical acid has been watered down pretty thoroughly, though short of examining it yourself (Craft (Alchemy), DC 15) there’s no way to tell that short of putting it to use. A direct hit deals 1 point of acid damage, and inflicts no splash damage save for making nearby creatures feel a bit itchy. Misleading Compass: Most defective items of this sort have a needle that always points in the same incorrect direction. Some varieties, however, have needles that always point in a random direction — sometimes even north! Everburning Torch, Meager: This otherwise normal torch has a continual flame cast on it by a third-rate spellcast er. It illuminates a 5-foot radius and provides shadowy illumination out to a 10-foot radius. Sore Saddle: This riding saddle is exceptionally uncomfortable to ride on, and provides a -2 penalty on Ride checks relate to staying in the saddle. If knocked unconscious while in a

Chapter 6: Defective It ems sore saddle, the character has a 40% chance to stay in the saddle. Funky Candles: These bargain candles (10 for 1 cp) are not quite as nice as their normal counterparts. Some of them don’t light easily, some sputter a lot, and all smell a bit odd, with a range of odors from fishy to yeasty. A particularly observant character might notice traces of odd debris on some (e.g., dried fluids, an occasional curly hair), but the merchant is unlike ly to enlighten the party as to the abuses the former owners — all  performers at a lively brothel — may have put this job lot of  tallow through. Thieves’ Tools, Sub-par: These thieves’ tools are better than nothing, but only just. Using them imposes a -1 penalty to Disable Device and Open Lock checks. If the check fails by 10 or more while using these tools, they break in the mechanism,  becoming useless and adding +5 to the DC of further Disable Device or Open Lock checks on that item. Death Tent:  The former occupants of this tent died horribly and messily, and the tent still bears the remnants of the tasty smell for those acute enough to sense it. Check twice as often for wandering (hungry) monsters for any character owning this portable abode and give a +10 bonus to creatures with Scent trying to Track anyone carrying it. Death Wagon: This wagon was used either as a town hearse or  to haul off the dead from a battlefield. Due to the residual smell, the GM should consider any action involving the wagon and any animals as DC 15, such as getting beasts to even pull the thing. At the GM’s discretion, if the party spends a lot of time in this wagon, animals and NPCs with an acute sense of smell  begin to react poorly to the party members whether the wagon is present or not. Gambler’s Kinky Deck: A gambler character may be surprised or even amused by these playing cards, which sport lewd illlustrations depicting various erotic acts and anatomical im possibilities, plus bonehead methods of dying on an adventure. The GM may choose for NPC gamblers to reac t poorly to the cards (-3 on the character’s Charisma-based ability and skill check rolls).

Mis-Consecrated Holy Symbol: Sure, it looks like the image or symbol of a particular deity, but it is really a different one. There is a 20% chance that any spell, turning, or other action it is used in conjunction with will fail. And, if its use is especially offensive or diametrically opposed to the ends of the deity in question, their  is a similar chance that the use will be sub jected to a minor Curse (e.g., -2 to all rolls until appropriate amends are made). Stakes, Balsawood: These sharp, substantial-looking wooden stakes are carved from lightweight balsawood and function as little more than full-size models of implements that might otherwise be used to pierce the hearts of vampires. If used in this way, however, they will simply shatter into equally lightweight splinters. Some might be marked with runes indicating that they are intended for use against ethereal creatures (but whether  this is true or not is completely at the discretion of the GM). Coins, Lead (LP): Although clad with a thin coating of gold, these counterfeit coins are actually made of lead and are worth  just a hundredth of their face value (i.e., one copper piece each). Variants on this theme are almost limitless and might include ersatz ingots, statuettes and other items of apparent value, and lead alloys made to look like platinum. Dull Dagger: The blade on this otherwise formidable looking sheath knife is almost preternaturally dull and will barely mark  the surface of anything it is applied to. Not being serrated, it can’t even be used to saw through items, either. Characters trying to perform critical tasks with this implement, such as cutting through ropes or the like, might thus lose valuable time. Whether this weapon is actually faulty, designed for the stage, or has some other story is up to the DM. Attempts to sharpen the dagger will either fail, apply for a single real-world usage, or ruin it. This defect can be applied to other items that should, under ideal conditions, be sharp. Inferior Spell Components or Foci:  These second-rate com ponents and foci can be of any sort and impose a 20% chance of spell failure each time they are used.

79

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

80

Chapter 7: Magic Items

M

any of the following items are cursed, have irritating side effects, have double-edged or questionable

 benefits, or tie in with the various concepts presented throughout this book. DMs are encouraged to shake games up a bit by using them as alternatives to standard or more p redictable magic items.

References to new rules or items that appear elsewhere in this book are marked with an asterisk (*).

Bag of Depreciation: This magical sack will appear to be a Bag  of Holding  of one of the four standard sizes and will function accordingly for 1d6 uses (or 1d6 days, whichever is longer). It  powers itself, however, by draining away the essence of valuable things and transmuting them into relatively worthless dross. Gold coins will be transformed to lead, platinum to tin, silver to iron—but copper will be unaffected! Gems will be transformed into glass with 1/100th their previous value, and  jewelry and other precious items will be similarly affected. Magic items will become merely masterwork, masterwork items will  become mundane, and mundane items will become cheap, worthless facsimiles of what they are supposed to be. Moderate conjuration and necromancy; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Secret Chest ; Price 625 gp; Weight 15, 25, 35, or 60 lb. Bag of Vermin: This appears to be a normal Bag of Holding of  one of the four standard sizes and will function normally for  1d6 uses. After that, however, it is 50% likely upon being opened to release 2d12 random, irritated vermin, rats, or similar  creatures who will then attack the party. DMs should select the vermin to be of a type and size to challenge and annoy the  party without being lethal. Items stored within the Bag of Ver-

min can be retrieved normally (encouraging the party to use and reuse it, despite the associated hazards). Moderate conjuration; CL 9th; Craft Wondrous Item, Secret Chest , Summon Monster V; Price 1,250, 2,500, 3,700, or  5,000 gp; Weight 15, 25, 35, or 60 lb. Books of Ability Depletion: These tomes and manuals all ap pear to be beneficially enchanted books that enhance character statistics. However, upon trying to read one of these books (which will resist opening until only a single person is touching it), the victim will fall into a fascinated tran ce for six hours, reading non-stop. If attempts are made to remove the book  from the victim, the book will stick to his hands, the pages magically turning themselves over before his eyes.  Remove Curse will remove the sticky book, but the victim will lose one point of the specified characteristic per completed hour of reading. If cast within 24 hours, each casting of Lesser  Restoration can restore up to one ability point,  Break Enchantment  or Remove Curse up to two points, Limited Wish up to four points, and Greater Restoration, Miracle, or Wish up to six points. After a full day, however, the ability score loss will become permanent.  Manual of Butterfingers: If read, this book will cause its reader to lose up to 6 points of Dexterity. Strong conjuration and necromancy; CL 20th; Create Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Grease; Price 36,000 gp, Weight 5 lb.  Manual of Flab: If read, this book will cause its reader to lose up to 6 points of Constitution. Strong evocation and necromancy; CL 20th; Create Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse and Blasphemy or  Symbol of Weakness or Waves of Exhaustion; Price 36,000 gp, Weight 5 lb.  Manual of Weakness: If read, this book will cause its reader  to lose up to 6 points of Strength. Strong evocation and necromancy; CL 20th; Create Won-

81

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut drous Item, Bestow Curse and Blasphemy or Symbol of Weakness or  Waves of Exhaustion; Price 36,000 gp, Weight 5 lb. Picture Tome of Si mplicity : If read, this book will cause its reader to lose up to 6 points of Intelligence. Strong enchantment and necromancy; CL 20th; Create Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Feeblemind; Price 36,000 gp, Weight 5 lb. Tome of Befuddlement : If read, this book will cause its reader to lose up to 6 points of Wisdom. Strong enchantment and necromancy; CL 20th; Create Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Confusion; Price 36,000 gp, Weight 5 lb. Tome of Obsequiousness: Lose up to 6 points of Charisma and develop a fawning, sycophantic manner. Strong enchantment and necromancy; CL 20th; Create Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Command or  Suggestion; Price 36,000 gp, Weight 5 lb. Blade of the Pain Maiden: This very keen, high-quality blade is in fact magical, enchanted with a bonus of +1 to +4 and can  be any sort of bladed weapon, from dagger to two-handed

sword. This sort of blade is used by the minions of the Gods of  Pain, but is left for others to find or bestowed upon loyal mortal servants. Those not in service to such deities tend to regard such  blades as cursed. When a critical hit is made using such a weapon, it drives spikes into the hand holding it, inflicting 1d6 damage (no save). The wielder must make a Reflex save (DC = 10+ damage taken) to retain a grip on the blad e after the spikes withdraw, which they do instantly after shooting out. If the  blade is a +3 or +4 weapon, then the wielder must also make a Fortitude save (DC = 10 + damage taken) or faint from the p ain. As with all cursed arms, the wielder will not wish to use any other weapon. Additionally, each time after the first that the wielder suffers damage, he must make a Will save, which starts at DC 5 and increases by 2 each time the user is damaged by it. If the user ever fails this save, he immediately forsakes his own deity and becomes a servant of the Gods of Pain. Moderate enchantment; CL 7th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor; Price 4,000 gp; Weight 2 lb. Boots Made for Walking: These heavy, knee-high, spike-heeled leather go-go boots give their wearer a +2 bonus on Charisma  based skill checks. If the wearer has at least 2 ranks in Perform (Dance), the boots will also give her an additional +2 (+4 total)  bonus on Perform (Dance) skill checks, will allow a size Medium wearer to kick for 1d6 points of damage of either lethal or  non-lethal damage as desired, and will grant an additional +2 on attacks against prone opponents. Kicks with such boots ignore damage resistance that is bypassed by magic weapons. In addition to not receiving the above benefits, if a wearer  does not have at least 2 ranks in Perform (Dance), the boots will cause her to caper and step back and forth so much that her movement will be reduced to half normal. Faint transmutation; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item; Greater   Magic Weapon; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 4 lb. Cane of the Mac Daddy: This silver-tipped, hardwood cane is set with a large, multifaceted crystal pommel and can be used in combat as a +1 weapon, inflicting a base 1d6 points of damage (critical x2). It also bestows a variety of powers upon its  bearer, who when holding it gains 4 ranks of Profession (Pimp)*, +2 on all Innuendo skill checks, and the ability to use the Pimp Slap* feat (or an additional +3 to Intimidate skill checks af-

82

Chapter 7: Magic Items fected by Pimp Slap* if this feat is already possessed). Moderate enchantment; CL 7th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor; Price 4,000 gp; Weight 2 lb. Cloak of Halflingkind: This garment appears to be a Cloak of   Elvenkind, and functions as such the first three times it is worn, hood up, to activate the Hide bonus. The fourth time a non-Halfling character uses it, however, he will be physically transformed. He will become the size of an average Halfling, his hair will become curly, and his feet will expand to three times their current size, growing abundant woolly fur on their  tops. Any armor, gear, or footwear that will not accommodate such a change falls off, breaks straps, or bursts. Only Limited  Wish, Miracle, or Wish can alter this change. The cloak will not work in any way for that wearer after this transformation, and will not function at all—even the Hide bonus—for Halflings. Strong transmutation; CL 18th; Craft Wondrous Item; Polymorph or  Polymorph Any Object ; Price 3,200 gp; Weight 1 lb. Codpiece of Dance: This freakishly large codpiece is typically constructed of mithril and adorned with diamonds and rubies. It is designed to be worn over clothing or armor and inflicts a  –2 Hide penalty if worn “incognito.” When worn, the Codpiece of Dance has four primary effects. First, the wearer gains a +1 Codpiece Bonus to AC. Second, the codpiece can potentially enhance the ballet dancing ability of the wearer. If he succeeds at a DC 20 Perform (Dance) check as a free action, then he may add a +10 competence  bonus to any Jump checks made that round. Third, the wearer  gains a +10 competence bonus to all Perform (Dance[Ballet]) checks (including the check made to Jump). Lastly, the codpiece gives the wearer immunity to the Improved Groin Strike* feat. Unfortunately, the Codpiece of Dance  also imparts a -4 circumstance penalty to all Charisma checks. Moderate transmutation and abjuration; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item; Mage Armor, Jump; Price 3,700 gp; Weight 5 lb. Druid Spikes: These crude-looking iron spikes do not do anything in particular until inserted into the skin of a living creature. Each Druid Spike will inflict 1 point of damage on the character into which it is inserted and this damage cannot be healed until the items are removed. Metal weapons that successfully strike and damage a character equipped with such

spikes, however, will suffer 1 point of damage for each spike embedded in him. Typically, 2-16 spikes will be found together. Moderate transmutation; CL 11th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor; Ironwood ; Price 100 gp each; Weight 1/10 lb each. Eversmoking Hemp Bottle: This jug appears to be an Efreeti  Bottle or Eversmoking Bottle. If opened, however, it will billow smoke, filling either the immediate area or a 10 x 10 foot cube—whichever is smaller—in one round. The stopper cannot be replaced while this is happening. The smoke lasts just an hour, but all who come in contact with it suffer –4 to all ability scores, saving throws, attacks, and damage rolls during the four hours following their last exposure. There is no saving throw. Victims also get the munchies and want to talk disjointedly about nature, dreams, politics, and sex. Moderate transmutation and enchantment; CL 7th; Craft Wondrous Item,  Pyrotechnics, Confusion; Price 5,800 gp; Weight 1 lb. Figurine of Wondrous Power, Dravite Dung Beetle: This stone miniature is sometimes mistaken for the Figurine of Wondrous Power, Ebony Fly, but instead is made of Dravite (an opaque  brown tourmaline of no gemstone value). It can be used to summon a 4 HD Large Giant Dung Beetle for up to 12 hours as many as three times per  week. However, the  Dravite Dung   Beetle does not fly, and before acting as a steed or obeying any other commands, it carefu lly collects a ball of manure of at least two feet across to carefully roll  before it wherever it goes (a process that will take it at least 10 rounds once it has located an adequate supply of manure). Moderate transmutation; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item,  Animate Objects; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Girdle of Cross-Dressing: This broad leather band, which radiates a faint aura of transmutation, will cause the wearer to desire to wear clothing of the opposite sex and to affect the mannerisms of the most stereotypical members of the opposite sex (e.g., Prom Queen, Sorority Girl, Dumb Jock, Burly Man).

83

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut The effects of the girdle persist until eliminate d with a Remove Curse of at least CL10. Once the girdle bestows its curse, it is nonfunctional until the previous owner has had the curse removed or dies. At this point, the girdle will perform its sole function on the next hapless owner. Moderate enchantment; Caster Level: 10th; Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, Confusion; Market Price:2,000 gp; Weight 1 lb. Girdle of Terresias: Appearing to be little more than an attractive masterwork swordbelt decorated with sequins and appliques, this potent magic item is actually much more. If donned, it will immediately and permanently change the gender of the character to the opposite of whatever it is. Its purpose discharged, the girdle will lose all its power and cease to function in this way (it can still serve as a very nice accessory, of course). Some 10% of such items will turn the victim into a hermaphro dite, and another 10% will actually make the victim sexless. Only a Wish or magic of similar power can reverse this effect (e.g., direct intercession of a deity).

R andom

Magic

It em em

F eatur es Featur  es

(d1 2) (d12) 2)

These features can be applied as desired to spice up “normal” but otherwise unexceptional magic items. d12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Feature Object hums when used (–2 Move Silently). Weapon glows blue or red when drawn (–2 Hide). Weapon gives off “blacklight” and causes everything in a 25-foot radius to glow (–2 Hide). Sparks fly when item is used (–2 Hide). Strong odor of sulfur given off when item is used. Item becomes sticky (50%) or obscenely slippery (50%) when used. Item gets hot or cold when used (as per Heat  Metal/Chill Metal ). Item has charges, even though that type of item usually doesn’t. Item looks inappropriate (e.g., Holy Sword with especially phallic pommel). Item looks cheap and dirty regardless of how much effort is put into cleaning it. Item inflicts damage on user when activated. DM’s choice (50%) or roll twice and combine

84

Strong transmutation; CL 17th; Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, Polymorph Other ; Price 4,000 gp; Weight 1 lb. Guillotine Ring: This magic ring always appears magical to a new owner and may emulate any general magic ability (typically the one most desired by the wearer). However, after 1d4 uses, the ring will chop off and disintegrate the finger on which it is worn, after which it will fall to the ground to await its next host. The ring has 15 hit points and a hardness of 10. Suggested effects of losing a finger include a permanent 5% chance of Arcane Spell Failure and –1 to Dexterity. Moderate enchantment; CL 7th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor; Price 4,000 gp; Weight 2 lb. Gloves of Groping: These appear to be one of the usual types of magical gloves. In addition to their normal function, however, the gloves also carry a magical compulsion: Whenever  the wearer encounters a being of the opposite gender, he must make a Will save at DC 13 or be compelled to grope, fon dle, or  squeeze some portion of that being’s personal anatomy. Hermaphrodites and genderless wearers are compelled to make this save vs. all beings.  Remove Curse or stronger magic is required to remove the Gloves of Groping . Groping Gloves of Arrow Snaring; faint abjuration; CL 3rd; Craft Wondrous Item, Shield; Price 4,000 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Groping Gloves of Dexterity; moderate transmutation; CL 8th; Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace; Price 4,000 gp (+2), 16,000 gp (+4), 36,000 gp (+6); Weight 1/10 lb. Groping Glove of Storing; Moderate transmutation; CL 6th; Craft Wondrous Item, Shrink Item; Price 10,000 gp (one glove); Weight 1/10 lb. Groping Gloves of Swimming and Climbing; faint transmutation; CL 5th; Craft Wondrous Item,  Bull’s Strength, Cat’s Grace; Price 6,250 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Horn of the Destrachan: This powerful magic weapon is fashioned from the semi-tubular skull of the horrible aberration known as a Destrachan and can be used to evoke the Destructive Harmonics associated with the creature. Anyone who attempts to use it must make at a DC 15 Perform (Wind Instruments) skill check. If successful, he can opt to either blast sonic energy in a cone up to 80 feet long or affect any crea-

Chapter 7: Magic Items tures or objects within a 30-foot radius. Furthermore, he can tune the harmonics of this destructive power to affect different types of targets, as follows:  Flesh: Disrupting tissue and rending bone, this attack deals 4d6 points of damage to all within the area (Reflex half ).  Nerves: This attack deals 6d6 points of nonlethal damage to all within the area and can knock out opponents rather than slay them (Reflex half ).  Material: When using this form of harmonics, the character chooses wood, stone, metal, or glass. All objects made of  that material within the area must succeed on a Fortitude save or shatter. Objects (or portions of objects) that have up to 30 hit points are potentially affected by this attack. DCs for the various saving throws to avoid the effects of  the Horn of the Destrachan are equal to the character’s Perform skill check if he is a Bard or half this number if he is not. If the user’s Perform skill check fails by 5 or more points, it will affect something other than is desired target or in a way other than the character intended. If it is a critical failure, the Destructive Harmonics will affect him or his equipme nt. Strong evocation; CL 16th; Craft Wondrous Item; Greater  Shout ; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 2 lb. Horn of Stench (Stinkhorn): This instrument appears to be one of the usual types of magical horns. In addition to its normal function, 50% of the time the horn emits a Stinking  Cloud  (cast at the level of the horn’s creator), with the item’s user at the cloud’s center. The blower of the horn gains a +4 on saves against the Stinking Cloud . Stinkhorn of Blasting; Moderate evocation and faint con juration; CL 7th; Craft Wondrous Item, Shout, Stinking Cloud; Price 21,000 gp; Weight 1 lb. Stinkhorn of Blasting, Greater; Strong evocation and faint conjuration; CL 16th; Craft Wondrous Item, Greater Shout, Stinking Cloud; Price 71,000 gp; Weight 1 lb. Stinkhorn of Fog; Faint conjuration; CL 3rd; Craft Wondrous Item, Obscuring Mist, Stinking Cloud; Price 2,100 gp; Weight 1 lb. Stinkhorn of Goodness/Evil; Moderate abjuration and con juration; CL 6th; Craft Wondrous Item, Magic Circle Against  Good , Magic Circle Against Evil , Stinking Cloud ; Price 6,600 gp; Weight 1 lb. Stinkhorn of the Tritons ; Moderate conjuration and trans-

mutation; CL 8th; Craft Wondrous Item, Fear, Stinking Cloud, Summon Monster V, Control Water, creator must be a triton or  get construction aid from a triton; Price 16,100 gp; Weight 2 lb. Stinkhorn of Valhalla; Strong conjuration; CL 13th; Craft Wondrous Item, Stinking Cloud, Summon Monster VI; Price 51,000 gp; Weight 2 lb. Lantern of Bewilderment: This appears to all tests to be a  Lantern of Revealing . However, while it does reveal all invisible creatures and objects within 25 feet of it (as per the spell  Invisibility Purge), it also makes all creatures within range—  visible and invisible—appear and sound as creatures as nearly opposite their true selves as possible. For example, a lean, noble Paladin might appear to be a dissipated, bloated Blackguard, a pit fiend an angel, a Kobold a cute furry creature, etc. The holder of the lantern appears normal to himself. Moderate evocation and illusion; CL 10th; Craft Wondrous Item, Invisibility Purge, Major Image; Price 30,000 gp; Weight 2 lb. Necklace of Choking: This attractive silver or gold necklace, which appears to be worth several hundred gold pieces, will  begin choking its wearer as soon as it is placed around her  neck. The wearer may attempt to avoid this effect with a successful DC 19 Reflex save. If the save fails, the necklace is

85

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

Magic

Weapon

Cursed

Abilities

Following are three different cursed abilities that can be applied as desired to spice up “normal” but otherwise unexceptional magic items. Penalties to prices are given, but such weapons will quite often be sold under false pretenses for full market price. Backlashing: Always hafted, such as a lance or spear, a backbiting weapon functions to all tests like a normal magic weapon of its type and never manifests its cursed ability in training. However, anytime a natural 1 is rolled when it is wielded in true combat, the weapon will curl around and strike its user in the back, inflicting normal melee damage. Thereafter, it will be fused to its user’s hand and can only be removed with Remove Curse or  similar magic. If the backlashing ability appears when it is hurled, the weapon will not stick the character’s hand, but will inflict both critical and maximum damage to him. Moderate transmutation; CL 7th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Bestow Curse; Price –2 penalty. Bloodthirsty: When used in combat, this cursed weapon will force its wielder to continue fighting until either he or his opponents are dead. It will not allow the character to withdraw from combat, spare surrendering enemies, inflict nonlethal damage, or the like. Even if disposed of, this weapon will appear in its owner’s hand whenever he engages in combat, and can only be permanently separated from him through Remove Curse or more potent magic. Moderate transmutation; CL 7th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Bestow Curse; Price –1 penalty. Bloodthirsty Berserking: This weapon functions in all ways like a simple Bloodthirsty cursed weapon, but also gives its owner +4 to Str, Dex, and Con for seven rounds. After that, however, the character will be fatigued for the duration of the encounter in which he is engaged . Moderate transmutation; CL 7th; Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Bestow Curse; Price –1 penalty.

86

 pulled off in time; if the save fails, the wearer begins to choke. After a number of rounds equal to twice her Constitution score, the character must make a DC 10 Constitution check  every round in order to avoid succumbing to the lack of air. Each round, the DC increases by 1. When the character finally fails her Constitution check, she begins to succumb to as phyxiation. In the first round, she falls unconscious (0 hp). In the following round, she drops to –1 hit points and is dying. In the third round, she dies. A successful DC 26 strength roll is required to remove the necklace. Alternatively, the necklace may be cut off; it has a hardness of 10 and 5 hit points. Unfortunately, the wearer of  the necklace will suffer an identical amount of damage in the  process (e.g., if 12 points are inflicted, the necklace will suffer  2 points [12 – hardness of 10] and the wearer will suffer 12). Strong evocation; Caster Level: 13th; Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, Shrink Item, Grasping Hand ; Market Price:7,000 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Noose of Hanging: This masterwork rope is typically made of  high-grade hemp and is tied into a loop with 13 winds. When used to hang a person suspected of a specific crime, it has one of two effects. If the suspect is guilty of the specific crime, it inflicts an automatic coup de grace. The suspect automatically suffers a critical hit (1d10 x 3 damage) and must make a Fortitude save (DC 10 + damage dealt) or die. If the suspect is innocent, the noose loosens and the suspect is unharmed. Using the noose is a full-round action, requires a vocal component (i.e. reading the charges), requires the suspect to be helpless (e.g. bound or unconscious), and requires the noose to have been tied to a sturdy object taller than the suspect. The  Noose has 10 hit points and a hardness of 5. Moderate divination; CL 7th; Craft Wondrous Item; Law Domain; Zone of Truth, Price 3,700 gp; Weight 3 lb. Potion Bong: This complex glass and metal apparatus, generally of Gnome manufacture, includes a drinking tube and a reservoir into which potions can be poured. A single character  can use the bong to quaff up to two potions in one round. Up to eight other individuals in contiguous squares can assist the user as a full-round action (e.g., by pouring additional potions into the bong, chanting “chug, chug!”, etc.), allowing him to drink one extra potion per helper, to a maximum of 10 in one

Chapter 7: Magic Items round. This device can also be used recreationally with nonmagical liquids, like beer and tequila. Faint transmutation; CL 5th; Prerequisites: Craft Wondrous Item, Shrink Item; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 3 lb. Potion of Hallucination: This somewhat acidic potion, which has a tart metallic aftertaste, causes the imbiber to believe that he is under the effects of another potion (roll rand omly). It will  be plain to anyone else present, however, that there is no effect. The imbiber may make a DC 16 Will save to avoid this effect. The effect lasts for 1d20 hours. If the save is failed, no amount of convincing (excepting a Dispel Magic against DC 16) will convince the victim otherwise. Faint enchantment; Caster Level: 5th; Prerequisites: Brew Potion, Suggestion; Price:100 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Potion of Jusenjin: Named for the fratricidal spellcaster who first developed it, this pungent, pale-orange draught will initially give its imbiber a feeling of euphoria and grant him a +4  bonus on Perform skill checks and a +2 bonus on other Charisma-based skill checks. Starting 1-10 rounds after these effects kick in, however, the potion drinker must make a DC 10 Will saving throw or attack the person nearest to him. This save is made at –4 if the victim is of the same race, an additional  –4 if the drinker is an Orc, and must be made once per round for  10 rounds or until the drinker fails it. Faint transmutation; CL 3rd; Brew Potion; Eagle’s Splendor ; Price 150 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Ring of Obsession: This golden ring radiates strong enchantment and is covered with ancient-looking but completely undecipherable runes that are revealed only if the item is exposed to fire. Use of Identify or similar magic will erroneously determine it to be a Ring of Invisibility, no more or less. While it does perform this function, it also allows all undead beings to see the wearer even while invisible and incites them to attack  him. Furthermore, once worn, the ring will force its owner to crave its presence, refer to it with nauseating pet names, never  willingly remove it, and even go so far as to kill or perform any other horrible crime to retrieve or safeguard it. Exorcism, Remove Curse, or similar magic will remove this effect long enough for a wearer to remove and discard the ring.

Strong illusion; CL 13th; Forge Ring, Invisibility; Price 20,000 gp; Weight 1/10 lb. Spellb.ook of Error: This pricey but attractively bound volume sports an intricately engraved mongoose on its leather  cover. The spellb.ook contains several powerful spells of 7th, 8th, and 9th level (DM’s choice). Unfortunately, the extremely  poor editing renders these rare, valuable, and useful spells utterly worthless. Strong universal; CL 17th; Prerequisites: Arcane Magic User, Wisdom less than 10, Weak Editorial Skills; Price: 49.95 gp; Weight 2 lb.

Ov er 2) Over erll y -Specialized Rings (d1 (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

 Ring of Protection from Dew  Ring of Wombat Control   Protection from Underclothing Wedgies  Protection from Body Odor, Own  Protection from Body Odor, Others  Protection from Speaking, Self  (a favorite of some hermits and monks)  Ring of Germ Perception  Ring of Detecting Rainfall   Ring of Curing Nosebleed   Ring of Regenerating Shaven Left   Eyebrows  Ring of Pun Recognition  Ring of Improved Reflex Saves Against  Chester (the Innkeeper)

87

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Spike Boots: Often known as Boots of Spiking and Screaming , these nasty boots appear and perform to all tests as Boots of Striding and Springing   with one notable exception. If a specific command word is spoken while the boots are worn, the wearer instantly suffers 2d4+4 points of damage as large spikes are driven through the arches of each foot. The wearer  immediately falls prone unless a DC 15+damage taken Fortitude saving throw is passed, and thereafter can only hobble 5 feet a round until the wounds are treated with a DC 20 Heal check or magical healing. While the spikes are extended, the boots cannot be removed unless the feet are hacked off at the ankle or the spell Remove Curse or more powerful appropriate magic is cast. Particularly vicious or vengeful arcanists will take advantage of the limited cognitive abilities of their adversaries and make the command word a commonly uttered phrase around the table. Faint transmutation; CL 3rd; Craft Wonderous Item,  Longstrider , caster must have 5 ranks in the Jump skill; Price 5,500gp; Weight 2 lb. Super-Fly Pimpin’ Hat: This masterwork broad-brimmed fedora is typically purple, has a zebra-stripe band, and sports a large black feather. When worn, the hat imparts a +10 competence bonus to Profession (Pimp) checks. Faint illusion; CL 5th: Craft Wondrous Item; Disguise Self , Price 1,200 gp; Weight 1 lb. Thurible of Summoning Angry Air Elementals: If incense is  burned in this well-crafted censer, it will begin to summon hostile size Medium air elementals that will immediately attack anyone in the vicinity, starting with the person lighting it. It will call 1d4+1 of these elementals, the first one appearing one round after the incense is lit and the others at the rate of one  per round thereafter. Extinguishing the incense will not prevent these summonings, but successful use of Dispel Magic against the thurible will temporarily disable it. Strong conjuration; CL 13th; Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Monster VII ; Price 14,000 gp; Weight 3 lb.

can be used to pressurize its contents and a tube from which to fire them. It is perpetually full of an alien liquor, summoned from some obscure dimension, and its inner surfaces—visible through a glass aperture—are formed into all sorts of nonEuclidian angles. This liquor can be fired up to 30 feet, inflicting 1d6 non-lethal damage to targets upon a successful ranged touch attack and forcing them to make a DC 13 Reflex saving throw or swallow a mouthful of it (this save can be waived, if  desired). Characters imbibing the liquid experience intense hallucination and euphoria and suffer –4 to Wisdom and Intelligence and +2 to Charisma for three hours. The Tindalosian Ale cannot be stored and must be imbibed immediately to have any effect. Moderate conjuration; CL 7th; Craft Wondrous Item,  Minor Creation; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 5 lb. Urn of Curses:  This item generally takes the form of an ornate ceramic funerary urn, and may appear to be empty or filled with ash, bone fragments, or other material. The first time it is opened, a cloud of noxious smoke will billow out of it, engorging the area within a 30-foot radius. Everyone within this area must make a DC 20 Will saving throw or suffer an effect determined with a d12 roll. Although it does radiate moderate magic,  Identify or similar spells will not reveal any of its properties. d12 1

2 3 4

5 6 7

Tindalosian Ale Canister:  This strange-looking, lozengeshaped brass canister is equipped with straps that allow it to  be worn like a backpack and includes a pump mechanism that

88

8 9

Effect  – 6 to an ability score (determined randomly or by the DM; minimum of 1).  – 4 to attacks, saving throws, ability checks, and skill checks. 50% chance each turn of taking no action whatsoever.  Polymorphed  into a monster of equal HD that attacks anyone nearby for 12 rounds (DC 20 Will save to avoid). Attacked by a summoned monster of the same HD and opposite alignment. Liquefied (and killed) (DC 20 Fortitude save to avoid). Transported 2d6 x 100 miles away in a random direction. Afflicted with a random disease. Harmed as if by a detonation of Explosive Runes.

Chapter 7: Magic Items 10 11 12

Affected by a 6th level spell of the DM’s choice (save, if appropriate, at DC 20). A personal magic item is disenchanted. DM’s choice! Or roll again!

Effects 1-4 are permanent but can be removed with Break Enchantment ,  Limited Wish, Miracle, Remove Curse, or Wish. Effect 5 summons a creature that remains until slain, but which may not remain hostile. Effect 6 is lethal, and can only be reversed with Raise Dead  or similar magic. Strong conjuration and necromancy; CL 12th; Craft Wondrous Item, Bestow Curse, Teleport ; Price 3,600 gp; Weight 3 lb.

Wand of Defects:  This wand fires a crackling gray ray up to 40 feet. If this attack succeeds in a touch attack against a victim, he or she must make a DC 16 Will saving throw or be afflicted with a random Defect (see Chapter 4: Defects for more information). Defects bestowed in this way do not allow a character the option of taking an offsetting bonus Feat. A single Defect  bestowed by this item can be removed with a casting of Break   Enchantment  or Remove Curse, two with Limited Wish, and three with a Miracle or Wish. Moderate necromancy; CL 7th; Craft Wand, Bestow Curse; Price 21,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.

89

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

90

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char act a cter s

N

PCs come in many shapes and sizes, and with a wide variety of skills, feats, and special abilities. Following are a dozen non-player characters that DMs can use as allies, villains, or hirelings. They can be used as-is or easily modified as needed for all sorts of encounters. This section also includes tables for randomly

determining titles associated with various classes, which can be taken by players or assigned to NPCs as desired.

Krust Male Half-Orc Barbarian 7; CR 7; Medium-size humanoid; HD 7d12+14; hp 59; Init +1; Spd 40 ft.; AC 17, touch 11, flat-footed 16; Base Atk +7/+2; Grp +10; Atk +12 melee (1d12+4/x3, +1 Greataxe) or +10 ranged (1d8+3/x3, masterwork mighty com posite longbow and masterwork arrows); Full Atk +12/+7 melee (1d12+4/x3, +1 Greataxe) or +10/+5 ranged (1d8+3/x3, masterwork mighty composite longbow and masterwork arrows); AL CN; SV Fort +7, Ref +3, Will +3; Str 17, Dex 13, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 12, Cha 6.  Skills:  Listen +3, Climb +13, Intimidate +8, Spot +3, Survival +11. Speaks Common and Orc. F eats:  Alertness, Assertive*, Dodge, Power Attack, Take a Beating*, Unnatural Weapon Affinity*, Weapon Focus (Greataxe). Defects:  Declines to Use Quivers*, Declines to Use Scab bards*, Klutz*, Sluggish Reflexes*. Class/Racial Abilities:  Fast Movement, Illiteracy, Rage 2/ Day, Improved Uncanny Dodge, Trap Sense +2, Damage Reduction 1/—; Light Sensitivity, Darkvision 60 ft., Orc Blood. Possessions: +1 Greataxe, +1 Breastplate, masterwork  dagger (tied to a piece of board strapped to right forearm), masterwork mighty composite longbow, 10 masterwork arrows (two tied to right thigh, eight wrapped in a piece of twine and slung over shoulder), necklace made from chicken bones and drumsticks, skull codpiece, teddy bear, Ring of Regeneration, 5,500 gp worth of miscellaneous possessions and assets. Description and Background:  Krust is a big, shambling dolt with a perpetually bad haircut. Because he has trouble understanding the subtleties of conversation, innuendo, etc., he is always suspicious that others are insulting (“dissing”) him, and will respond violently if he determines this is the case. His Defects make him prone to injuring himself, a detriment recently offset with the acquisition of his magic ring.

B a r b a r  i a n 1 2 3 4 5 6

T  i t l e s

Barbarian Barbarian Barbarian Barbarian Barbarian Barbarian

(d1 2) 12 7 8 9 10 11 12

Barbarian Barbarian Barbarian Barbarian Roll again! DM’s choice!

91

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Amber Female Human Monk 7; CR 7; Medium-size humanoid; HD 7d8+7; hp 38; Init +4; Spd 50 ft.; AC 19, touch 19, flat-footed 19; Base Atk +5; Grp +6; Atk +9 melee (1d8+1, unarmed strike) or Atk +8/+8 melee (1d8+1, flurry of blows) or Atk +9/+9 melee (1d6+1, +1 Quarterstaff ) or +11 ranged (1d10/x3, masterwork  heavy crossbow and masterwork bolts); AL LN; SV Fort +6, Ref +9, Will +7; Str 13, Dex 18, Con 12, Int 10, Wis 14, Cha 8.

 Skills:  Escape Artist +12 (+14 if escaping rope bonds), Jump +13, Move Silently +6, Profession (Prostitute [Brazen Strum pet]) +12, Tumble +16, Use Rope +9 (+11 if binding someone). Speaks Common. F eats:  Deflect Arrows, Dodge, Double Jointed*, Improved Groin Strike*, Improved Trip, Killer ’Do*, Mobility, Skill Focus [Move Silently], Stunning Fist, Weapon Finesse, Weapon Focus (Quarterstaff). Defects:  Ashy*, Bitch*, Other Ways of Knowing*, Throws Like a Girl*. Class/Racial Abilities:  Flurry of Blows, Unarmed Strike, Evasion, Still Mind, Ki Strike (Magic), Purity of Body, Slow Fall 30 ft., Wholeness of Body. Possessions: +1 Quarterstaff , Ring of Protection +2, masterwork cat-’o-nine-tails, masterwork heavy crossbo w, masterwork bolts (16), streetwalker’s outfit, chunky-heeled whore shoes, masterwork manacles, masterwork spiked collar, Potion of Cure Serious Wounds (x2), Potion of Cure Disease, 1,500 gp worth of miscellaneous possessions and assets. Descri ption and Background:  Amber is a tall, well-built, woman with grayish, flaking, ashy skin and a strikingly huge head of hair. She is also thorough bitch and a revolutionary without a clear cause, and it is a wonder that she can supple-

Monk 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

92

T i t l e s

(d1 9) 19

Novice Initiate Brother   Disciple Immaculate Master   Superior Master   Master of Dragons Master of the North Wind Master of the West Wind Master of the South Wind Master of the East Wind Master of Winter   Master of Autumn Master of Summer   Master of Spring Grand Master of Flowers Roll again! DM’s choice!

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char act a cter s ment her earnings as a whore at all, what with her tendency to  begin haranguing johns with her bizarre social theories and complaints. Indeed, she has all sorts of strange ideas that she seems unable to cease expounding upon, foremost among which is that she is somehow a member of a heavily opp ressed demographic that is inexplicably being kept down variously  by “the Man,” “the Dwarf,” “the Elf,” or “the Gnome.”

Loleda

Ro g u e 1 2 3 4 5 6

T i  t l e s

(d1 2) 12

Rogue Apprentice Cutpurse Robber   Burglar   Filcher  

7 8 9 10 11 12

Sharper   Magsman Thief   Master Thief   Roll again! DM’s choice!

Class/Racial Abilities:

Female Halfling Rogue 6; CR 6; Small humanoid; HD 6d6+6; hp 27; Init +8; Spd 20 ft.; AC 19, touch 15, flat-footed 15; Base Atk  +4; Grp +0; Atk +11 melee (1d3+1/19-20, +1 Dagger ) or +11 ranged (1d6/x3, masterwork light crossbow and masterwork   bolts);AL CN; SV Fort +4, Ref +10, Will +3; Str 10, Dex 18, Con 13, Int 14, Wis 10, Cha 8.  Skills:  Appraise +11, Bluff +8, Climb +2, Diplomacy +1, Disguise +10, Hide +8, Jump +2, Listen +11, Move Silently +6, Open Lock +13, Perform (Wind Instruments) +8, Profession (Prostitute [Saucy Tart]) +12, Search +11, Sense Motive +9, Sleight of Hand +15. Speaks Common, Halfling, and Orc. F eats:  Improved Groin Strike*, Improved Initiative, Hot Body*, Skill Focus [Profession: (Prostitute)], Weapon Finesse, Weapon Focus (Dagger). Defects:  Horny*, Junkie*, Throws Like a Girl*.

New Clothing: School Girl’s Outfit This inadvertently sexy ensemble typically consists of a plaid wool skirt, starched white linen blouse, knee socks, black patent leather loafers, and necktie of some sort (and often reflects the colors of some school or other institution). Any female (or apparently female) character wearing such an outfit receives a +2 circumstance bonus on all Charisma-based skill checks when dealing with nuns, pedophiles, or anime fans.

Sneak Attack +3d6, Trapfinding, Evasion, Uncanny Dodge, Trap Sense +2; +2 on saving throws against fear, +1 on attacks with thrown weapons and slings. Possessions: +1 Studded   Leather, +1 Dagger , masterwork light crossbow, masterwork bolts (20), sap, school girl’s outfit, streetwalker’s outfit, chunky-heeled whore shoes, fake nails, disguise kit, masterwork thieves’ tools, Ointment  of Ky (3 doses), Potion of Cure Serious Wounds, 3,600 gp worth of miscellaneous bling.

Description and Back ground:  Loleda is a wily little tart who makes a living as a  petty thief, prostitute, and adventuress. One of her favorite  professional shticks is to pass herself off as an adolescent human female, a routine that attracts a particular clientele (which, combined with being per petually Horny, can produce a markedly unsavory effect). There are not too many things, in fact, that she will not do to earn a few coins, from rolling drunks to looting graves. She moves from one drug addiction to another, and is variously dependent on alcohol, pipeweed, or other substances. She also has a recurring problem with cold sores, which she assiduously attempts to Disguise.

93

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Hemmet Male Human Sorcerer 7; CR 7; Medium-size humanoid; HD 7d4+10; hp 27; Init +2; Spd 30 ft.; AC 16, touch 12, flat-footed 14; Base Atk +3; Grp +2; Atk +6 melee (1d4, Cane of the Mac Daddy); AL NE; SV Fort +3, Ref +4, Will +4; Str 8, Dex 14, Con 13, Int 10, Wis 12, Cha 15.  Skills:  Listen +3, Intimidate +12, Profession (Pimp) +11, Spot +3. Speaks Common. F eats:  Alertness, Combat Casting, Pimp Slap* (from Cane of the Mac-Daddy), Toughness, Weapon Finesse. Defects:  Cold Susceptibility*, Weak-Willed*. Class/Racial Abilities: Summon Familiar. Spells Known (Sorcerer 6/7/6/3, save DC 12 + spell level): 0 (7) — Detect Magic, Flare, Flash, Mage Hand , Massage,  Message, Read Magic; 1st (5) — Animate Rope, Charm Person, Grease, Mount , Reduce Person; 2nd (3) — Eagle’s Splendor , Make  Hole, Rectal Hand ; 3rd (2) — Haste, Layingman’s Lubrication. Possessions: Cane of the Mac-Daddy*, Studded Leather  +1 (with holes to show chest), nipple rings (2 gp each), diamond pinkie ring (700 gp), broad-brimmed feathered hat, hiphigh boots with dozens of buckles, ankle-length velour coat with high collar, Potion of Cure Disease (x2), 3,200 gp worth of  miscellaneous possessions and assets. Descri ption andBackground:  Hemmet is a thoroughly re pulsive character, with exceptionally long, pointed nails, armor  that has had pieces cut out to display various parts of his anatomy, and garb that is covered with an excess of extraneous buckles. He earns a living as a vicious, amoral pimp, adventurer, and participant in any criminal activity that seems expedient and practical. His familiar is a giant cockroach.

 W a rd / /S S or eror  Wii z ar o r cce 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

94

Prestidigitator   Evoker   Conjurer   Theurgist Thaumaturgist Magician Enchanter   Warlock Sorceror   Necromancer   Abjurer  

Titles 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

(d20) Diviner   Evoker   Illusionist (see subtable) Transmuter   Wizard Mage Archmage Roll again! DM’s choice!

Familiar: Ricky, Male Vermin, Giant Cockroach (Magical Beast):  Small Vermin; HD 7d8; hp 28; Init +2, Spd 40 ft.; AC 20; Base Atk +3; Grp +3; Atk melee +5 (1d4; bite); SQ Immunity to all mind-affecting effects, Darkvision 60 ft.; AL N; SV Fort +6, Ref +4, Will +5; Str 10, Dex 14, Con 14, Int 9, Wis 10, Cha 6.  Skills:  Intimidate +8, Profession (Pimp) +10. F eats:  Weapon Finesse, Great Fortitude. F amili ar Abili ties:   Alertness, Improved Evasion, Share Spells, Empathic Link, Deliver Touch Spells, Speak with Master, Speak With Animals of its Kind. Master gains +3 on saves versus mind-affecting effects.

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char act a cter s MigAlley Female Elven Wizard 7; CR 7; Medium-size humanoid; HD 7d4; hp 17; Init +3; Spd 30 ft.; AC 17, touch 13, flat-footed 14; Base Atk +3; Grp +3; Atk +7 melee (+9 for first 7 rounds) (1d6+1 [1d6+3 for first seven rounds], +1 Bloodthirsty Berserking*  Flaming Burst Quarterstaff ) or Atk +6 melee (1d3, bite) or Atk  +8 ranged (1d6, masterwork shortbow with masterwork arrows); AL CN; SV Fort +2, Ref +5, Will +4; Str 10, Dex 16, Con 11, Int 16, Wis 12, Cha 8.  Skills:  Concentration +10, Decipher Script +13, Knowledge (Arcana) +8, Knowledge (Architecture and Engineering) +8, Knowledge (Dungeoneering) +8, Knowledge (Humanoid Sexual Customs) +8, Spellcraft +15 (+17 for scrolls). Speaks Common, Elven, Gnoll, Goblin, and Orc. F eats:  Biter*, Enlarge Spell, Improved Familiar, Improved Unarmed Strike, Killer ’Do*, Scribe Scroll (bonus), Weapon Finesse, Proficiency with club, composite longb ow, composite shortbow, dagger, heavy crossbow, light crossbow, longsword, longbow, rapier, and shortbow. Defects: Pyromania*, Weak-Willed*. Class/Racial Abilities: Summon Familiar; immunity to magic sleep effects, +2 saving throw vs. enchantment spells and effects, low-light vision.  Spells in Spellbook:  0—All; 1st—  Burning Hands, Identify,  Mage Armor ,  Magic Missile, Shield , Shocking Grasp; 2nd—   Acid Arrow, Flaming Sphere, Pyrotechnics, Ray of En feeblement , Scorching Ray, True Strike; 3rd—   Dispel Magic,  Fireball ,  Rage,  Protection from Energy; 4th—   Fire Shield , Wall of Fire.

 Spells Prepared (Wi zard 4/5/4/3/1; base DC 12 + spell level; 10% arcane spell failure chance): 0—  Acid Splash,  Flare,  Mage Hand ,  Mending ; 1st—   Burning Hands,  Mage  Armor ,  Magic Missile, Shocking Grasp (x2); 2nd—   Acid Arrow,  Flaming Sphere,  Pyrotechnics, Scorching Ray; 3rd—   Fireball, Rage; 4th—  Fire Shield . Possessions: +1 Bloodthirsty Berserking* Flaming Burst  Quarterstaff , tie-dye Bracers of Armor +1, Boots of Striding  and Springing, Cloak of the Bat, skimpy Leather +1, masterwork shortbow, quiver, 56 masterwork arrows, spellbook, tiedye headband with embroidered red and black fanged teddy  bears, shoulder-length leather gloves, leather loincloth with  bat and skull decorations,  Potion of Cure Serious Wounds

(x2), package of 86 tindertwigs, flasks of oil (x7), alchemist’s fire (14 vials), 3,700 gp worth of somewhat-scorched miscellaneous possessions. Descri ption and Backgr ound:  Most who know MigAlley treat the manic little Elf as if she were made of Explosive Runes. Raised by her Half-Orc stepdad and his Goblin, Orc, and Gnoll  poker buddies, she is prone to moods and gives in readily to impulses (her own and those of others). MigAlley specializes in blowing things up, setting them on fire, and going berserk, and enjoys both scorching opponents with spells and battering and biting them in melee while enjoying close-air support from her familiar, Bandit. She uses Shocking Grasp to maintain her massive mane of frizzled hair in proper fright wig mode. Familiar: Bandit (Construct): Tiny Construct; HD 7d10; hp 38; Init +2, Spd 10 ft. (2 squares), fly 80 ft. (average); AC 26, touch 15, flat-footed 23; Base Atk +3; Grp +3; Atk melee +6 (1d4; wing slash); SA Deliver spells; SQ Construct traits; AL  N; SV Fort +2, Ref +5, Will +5; Str 10, Dex 17, Con —, Int 9, Wis 10, Cha 10.  Ski lls: Spot +13. F eats:  Flyby Attack, Skill Focus (Spot), Wingover. Class/Racial Abilities:  Low-light vision, darkvision 60 ft., immunity to mind-affecting effects, poison, sleep effects, paralysis, stunning, disease, death effects, and necromancy effects, cannot heal damage on its own, not subject to critical hits, nonlethal damage, ability damage, ability drain, fatigue, exhaustion, or energy drain, immunity to any effect that requires a Fortitude save, not at risk of death from massive damage, cannot be raised or resurrected, does not eat, sleep, or   breathe. Descri ption and B ackground:   This automaton looks vaguely like a shiny, silver, stylized bird of prey, covered with

95

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut various arcane symbols and designs. This construct was specially designed to allow a spellcaster to “load” ranged spells into it. Each day, MigAlley can load into it up to one spell lev el  per caster level (i.e., seven), and the automaton can retain and discharge the spells according to her will or instructions any time before the next day. She typically keeps it loaded with one  Fireball , one Pyrotechnics, and one Magic Missile that has  been enhanced with the Enlarge Spell feat. This construct regenerates 1 point of damage for every level of spell cast through it and 1 point for every point that would be inflicted by the spell Shocking Grasp. F amili ar Abilities:   Alertness, Improved Evasion, Share Spells, Empathic Link, Deliver Touch Spells, Speak With Master, Deliver Ranged Spells.

Spinnerette Female Drow Bard 6; CR 7; Medium-size humanoid; HD 6d6+6; hp 27; Init +2; Spd 30 ft. (6 squares); AC 13 (+2 Dex, +1 Armor), Touch 12, Flat-Footed 11; Base Atk +4; Grp +3; Atk +6 melee (1d6-1/18-20 plus poison, rapier) or Atk +6 melee (1d6-1, Boots  Made for Walking ) or +6 ranged (1d4 plus poison, hand cross bow); Full Atk +6 melee (1d6-1/18-20 plus poison, rapier) or  Atk +6 melee (1d6-1, Boots Made for Walking ) or +6 ranged (1d4 plus poison, hand crossbow); AL CE; SV Fort +3, Ref +7, Will +6; Str 8, Dex 14, Con 13, Int 12, Wis 12, Cha 18. Skills: Balance +13 [9], Escape Artist +14 (+16 to escape from rope bonds) [9], Jump +10 [9], Perform (Dance) +17 [9], Profession (Prostitute) +10 [9], Tumble +13 [9] , Use Rope +11 (+13 to bind someone) [9]. Languages: Common, Drow Sign Language, Elven, Undercommon. The above statistics take into consideration bonuses for  synergies, magic items, and Feats that are always in effect. Feats:  Crossclass Spellcasting* ( Mage Armor , Spider Climb, Web), Double Jointed*, Pole Fighting*, Weapon Finesse, Weapon Specialization (Unarmed Attack). Defects:  Poison Susceptibility*, Runs Like a Girl*. Racial Abilities: Darkvision 120 feet, Spell Resistance 17, Weapon Proficiency (hand crossbow, rapier, short sword), +2 on Will saves vs. Spells and Spell-Like Abilities, Dancing Lights 1/day, Darkness 1/day, Faerie Fire 1/day, Light Blindness. Class Abilities:  Bardic Music, Bardic Knowledge, Countersong, Fascinate, Inspire Courage +1, Inspire Compe-

96

B a r d 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

T i t l e s Rhymer   Lyrist Sonnateer   Skald Racaraide Joungleur   Troubador  

(d1 4) 14 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Minstrel Muse Lorist Bard Master Bard Roll again! DM’s choice!

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char act a cter s tence, Suggestion. Bard Spells Known (3/4/3; save DC 14 + spell level): 0 —   Daze, Detect Magic, Know Direction, Lullaby, Read Magic, Snatch Arrows*, Summon Prop*; 1st — Animate Rope, Charm  Person,  Hypnotism,  Mage Armor ; 2nd —  Enthrall , Spider  Climb, Web. Equipment/Possessions: +1 Amulet of Natural Armor , masterwork rapier, masterwork hand crossbow, bolts (20), Boots  Made for Walking *, Drow Knockout Poison (4 doses), 2,500 gp.worth of miscellaneous possessions, magic items, and cash. Tactics: As a spellcaster, Spinnerette endeavors to keep her enemies at a distance and to deal with them magically. If  melee looks imminent or unavoidable, however, she will typically use Summon Prop — if there is not a vertical pole nearby already — .and then kick with her magic boots in conjunction with Pole Fighting*, which will improve both her chances to

hit and her unarmed attack damage (Atk +8 melee (1d6-1, im proved unarmed attack)). She generally keeps three bolts and her rapier dosed with Drow Knockout Poison. Anyone hit by one of these poisoned weapons must succeed on a DC 13 Fortitude save or fall unconscious. After 1 minute, the subject must succeed on another DC 13 Fortitude save or remain unconscious for 2d4 hours. She uses such weapons sparingly, however, as she has a better than usual chance of affecting herself because of her  Poison Susceptibility*. Bio: Native to the subterranean realms that are the homeland of her people, Spinnerette is an accomplished exotic dancer,  prostitute, and spellcaster who has journeyed into the upper  world in search of her fortune. Special: Spinnerette receives two bonus Feats as offsets to her two Defects.

Spells Snatch Arrows Evocation [Force] Level: Clr 1, Sor/Wiz 1, Feminist 1 Components: V, S Casting Time: 1 standard action Range: Medium (100 ft. + 10 ft./level) Targets: Up to five creatures, no two of which can be more than 15 ft. apart Duration: Instantaneous Saving Throw: None Spell Resistance: Yes This spell allows a caster to focus her feminine angst into  powerful bolts of energy and fire them from her vaginal region. Each such missile inflicts 1d4 points of damage, +2 if its target is male, and otherwise functions in all respects as if it were  produced by the spell Magic Missile. For every level the caster advances beyond 1st she gains one additional missile. The greatest number she can ever generate with a single casting of the spell, however, is equal to one  plus her Charisma bonus (if positive).  Note that this spell was developed with female casters in

mind and that a male oppressor who attempts to cast it must succeed at a DC 25 Spellcraft or Use Magic Device skill check  or it will fail.

Summon Prop Conjuration (Summoning) Level: Brd 0 Components:V, S Casting Time: 1 round Range: 0 ft. Effect:  One summoned performance prop Duration: 1 min./level (D) Saving Throw: None Spell Resistance: No This spell summons one prop of the caster’s choice that could  be used in conjunction with the skill Perform (e.g., a pole for a  pole dancer). This prop is typical for its type and appears in the caster’s hands, at her feet, or otherwise deployed within a foot of her, as she prefers. Only one prop appears per casting and can be used only by the caster. The caster cannot summon a prop too large to be held in two hands.

97

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Fighter 1 2 3 4 5 6

T i t l e s

Veteran Warrior   Swordsman Hero Swashbuckler   Myrmidon

Assassin 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

5 6

Pa l a d i n 1 2 3 4 5 6

98

T i  t l e s

Gallant Keeper   Protector   Defender   Warder   Guardian

(d1 1) 11 7 8 9 10 11

C l e r  i c Chevalier   Justiciar   Paladin Roll again! DM’s choice!

1 2 3 4 5 6

T  i t l e s

7 8 9 10 11

12 13 14 15 16 17 18

(I Ill l u s i o n (d1 2) 12

Prestidigitator   Minor Trickster   Trickster   Master   Trickster  Cabalist Visionist

T i t l e s Acolyte Adept Priest Curate Canon

Champion Superhero Lord Roll again! DM’s choice!

(d1 8) 18

Bravo Apprentice Rutterkin Waghalter   Murderer   Thug Killer   Cutthroat Executioner   Assassin Expert  Ass ass in

 Wi  W i z a arr d T i t l e s 1 2 3 4

(d1 1) 11

Senior    Ass ass in Chief    Ass ass in Prime  Ass ass in Guildmaster    Ass ass in Grandfather of    Ass assins Roll again! DM’s choice!

S p e ccii a all i z a att i o n ) 7 8 9 10 11 12

Phantasmist Apparitionist Spellbinder   Illusionist Roll again! DM’s choice!

(d1 1) 11 7 8 9 10 11

Lama Patriarch High Priest Roll again! DM’s choice!

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char act a cter s NPC P er sonality T raits (d1 00 ) Per ersonality (d100  Most of the following personality traits do not necessarily have to be annoying. DMs should ensure, however, that they usually are. NPCs should have at least one and as many as one per level of experience. d100 Trait 1 Collector (if desired, roll on Collections subtable) 2 Annoying laugh 3 Silly name (see subtable) 4 Makes obscene gestures 5 Makes suggestive comments (“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”) 6 Wears nonsensical shoes 7 Adheres to arbitrary dogma (“It just is.”) 8 Has a draconian personality 9 Is hyperjudgmental 10 Interrupts constantly 11 Finishes sentences 12 Talks too loudly 13 Is sensitive to noise 14 Is condescending 15 Screams like a girl 16 Cries a lot 17 Fawning (“I fixed it just the way you like it, sir.”) 18 Has a one-track mind 19 Pushes own religion on others (“I’m praying for you.”) 20 Assigns annoying nicknames (“Hey, Cochise!”) 21 Picks nose 22 Bloodthirsty 23 Forgets names (“Hey, Wizard ... “) 24 Enjoys company of prostitutes (see Prostitute Subtypes, on page 31 for preferred type) 25 Cross-dresses/Transvestite 26 Enjoys pornography 27 Enjoys monster pornography 28 Has cold sores 29 Wears goat hair leggings (50%) or 

30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47

48 49 50

51 52 53

sheepskin chaps 50%) Suffer from faulty reasoning Has three rules to live by Always sticks to the plan Always orders premium/most expensive beverages Insists on private room Overly complicated background Excessively illustrious  background/Overqualified Uses excessive hand gestures Constantly bitches about the weather  Insists on bartering Insists on haggling Develops romantic interest in a PC Bargain hunter (buys unneeded things if at a good price) Unknowingly gives inappropriate gifts Selective memory (“I don’t remember that.”) Kinky False compassion Faulty moralizing (“If you do that, you won’t be any better than the Orcs.”) Imitates PC explicitly Always looking to trade up Constantly  begs for better  equipment Finishes sentences Detail oriented Borrows PC’s stuff 

54

55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66

Overly helpful (“Here’s your  sword, sir. I was sharpening it for  you.”) Always dissatisfied Pathologically cheerful Depressive Vain Uneducated Illiterate Can’t count Steals from other party members Treats rest of party as subordinates Too much initiative Laughs at inappopriate times Bigoted (if desired, roll on race subtable)

99

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80

Assigns blame for party setbacks Tattle-tale (“That’s right. I saw Argon do it.”) Scrupulously honest Unethical Shiftless Suffers from guilt complex Has nightmares Has inferiority complex Gives orders/Takes charge of   party Overconfident Too cautious Low ability score (i.e., 3-9) Mean spirited Inappropriate humor 

81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91

Vengeful Maudlin/softhearted Never orders own food (“Just get me whatever you think I’d like.”) Loses stuff   Uses sinister catchphrase (e.g., “Excellent!” while tenting fingers) Has a hobby (e.g., origami, whittling) Crushes things for fun (e.g., beer  mugs with bare hands) Enjoys cross-species cuisine Steals credit/war stories (“There we were ...”) Overly smug Incongruous voice

Random Insanities (d24)

Subtable: Collections (d27)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

1 2 3 4 5

Catatonia Delusional Insanity Dementia Praecox Dipsomania Kleptomania Hallucinatory Hebephrenia Homicidal Mania Lunacy Mania Manic Depression/Bipolar   Megalomania Melancholia Monomania Paranoia Pathological Liar   Sado-Masochistic Schizophrenia Suicidal Mania Schizoid Vaginismus DM’s choice! Roll again! Roll twice and combine results!

100

6

Ears Goblin Noses Orcish Poetry Genitals Individual Type of Teeth (“I only want LEFT upper wisdom teeth, damn you!”) Maps (even false ones)

92 93 94

95 96

97 98 99

100

7 8 9 10

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27

Stutters Interrupts Has a sexual fetish and applies it to everything (“Check out the toes on that baby! Woohoo!”) Ignores questions Too interested in poultry, sheep, or other livestock (roll on Random Farm Animals subtable). Smokes constantly Picks teeth Unhelpful in a silent way (“Yeah, you left that in the room. I saw it sitting there.”) Keeps one or more venomous creatures as “pets”

Heavy Books Erotic Scrolls Small Statuary Arm/Leg Ornaments (30% likely to attempt wearing entire collection, even if AC is thereby compromised) Knives and Daggers Swords Weapons Shields and Weapons Armor   Books and Scrolls Minerals and Gems Ornaments and Jewelry Coins and Tokens Trophies and Skins Porcelain, China, and Crystal Artwork (including tapestries,  paintings, statuary, carvings, etc.) Chariots Stuffed Animals (either real or toy) Bottlecaps Roll again! DM’s choice!

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char act a cter s Sill y N ames R andomizer (d1 2) 2) Names Randomizer (d12)  Roll d12 from each column and combine (e.g., Freakball, Gaxygygar, Nosequid).  Either half can be used first or second. d12 Name 1 Griffon 2 Freak 3 Raven 4 Gregbell 5 Huffle 6 Volda 7 Snake 8 Gaxy 9 Harry 10 Quid 11 Snowy 12 Uppity

d12 Name 1 Claw 2 Canyon 3 Dor   4 Gygar   5 Eryn 6 Puff   7 Nose 8 Town 9 River   10 Dragon 11 Ball 12 Mort

6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23

Tavius Angus Adolf   Dong Mariqua Ingrid Borscht Nakarid Tervel Malik   LaQueesha Druga Krust Danuza Igor   Kofi Roll again! DM’s choice!

R andom Hic k N ames (d1 6) Hick Names (d16)

R andom V ocal Quality (d12) (d12) Vocal

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Koot Skeeter   Bubba Cletus Enos Peewot Pode Cooter   Billy-Bob Bobby-Sue Earl Butch Jed Jeb Junior   Dubya

Random Humanoid Names (d23) 1 2 3 4 5

Manufa L’Atrine Jamail Peking Tabo

Shrill Grating Mournful Whining Snarling Chirping Snearing Grunting Snorting Gutteral Lisping Choking

Obvious Physical Anomalies (d23) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Ritual scarring Bad haircut Greasy hair   Cowlick/multiple cowlicks Stupid tattoo Infected piercing Unibrow Dandruffy eyebrows

9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23

Excessive body hair   Luxuriant armpit hair   Peeling skin Greasy sheen Bowlegged Knock-kneed Overly hairy legs (e.g., on an Elf) Inappropriately shaven legs (e.g., on a Barbarian) Big feet Tiny hands Snores even when awake Perpetual lisp DM’s choice! Roll again! Roll twice and combine results!

Even More Obvious Physical Anomalies (d20) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20

Crumpled ears Big ears Motched/bitten ears Patchy beard Buck-toothed Bad teeth Halitosis Impotent Bald Nail fungus Wall-eyed Crooked nose Excessive nose hair   Hairy or rose-colored palms Missing body parts (see Subtable 2-9: Body Parts, page 34) Slightly misaligned limb reattachment Make up something else! Roll again! Roll twice and combine results! DM’s choice!

101

Nuisances: Dir e c to r ’s Cut Significant Physical Anomalies (d30) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

Blindness Insanity Hairy palms Impotence Mute Deafness Ext xtrra fi finge gerr(s) or or to toe(s) (r (roll d12 d12 for num umbe berr) Fingers or or toes missing (r (roll d6 d6 fo for nu number) Nails change color   Clawed feet instead of normal feet Hoov Ho oves es in inst stea ead d of fe feet et (e (e.g .g., ., cl clov oven en,, ho hors rse’ e’s) s) Vestigial Tail Eyes Ey es ch chan ange ge co colo lorr (1d (1d6: 6: 11-4 4 bot both h eye eyess sam samee co colo lorr, 5-6 each eye different color) Teeth or tongue change color   Hair changes color   Grow Gr ow ex extr traa arm arm(s (s)) (1d (1d6: 6: 11-3, 3, on onee arm arm,, 4-6 4-6,, two two ar arms ms)) Clawed paws instead of of feet Leg or ar arm m mis missi sing ng (1d 1d6: 6: 11-3, 3, le lefft, 44-6, 6, rig ight ht)) Skin changes color   Extr Ex traa arm arm or le leg( g(s) s) (1 (1d6 d6:: 1-3 1-3,, one one ap appe pend ndag age, e, 44-6, 6, tw two o appendages) Webbed Fingers/Toes

22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

# See the Random Colors table on page 21 and the various random color subtables on pages 21, 23, and 24.

Random Annoying or Defective Familiars Familiars and Companions (d26) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

102

Third Ni Nipple (o (or br breast if if fe female) Missing genitalia Elephantiasis Und nder erde deve vellop oped ed twi win n hea head d gro grow wing ou outt of of nec neck  k  Extra set of genitalia Third buttock   Pointed ears Crooked teeth Forked tongue

Tapeworm Flea Leach Tick   Three-legged dog Two-headed calf   Skunk   Ma gg o t Jellyfish Mandrill Hummingbird Anthropomorphic rabbit Beakless ra raven wi with fe feeding fu funnel Peg-legged parrot Wingless bat Hairless cat Limbless weasel Doo oors rsttop toa oad d (le legs gs wen entt to re rest staaur uran antt) Qua uasi sit/ t/Im Imp p wit with h hea head d rea reattta tach ched ed ba back ckw war ards ds Ratty-feathered, ha half-blind ow owl Tailless, toothless rat Lizard missing two legs Recy Re cycl cled ed fa fami mili liar ar (a (any ny so sort rt)) of of a now now-d -dea ead, d, hi high gh-l -lev evel el Wizard Monk Mo nkey ey wi with th gr grot otes esqu quee me meta tall sk skul ulll pa patc tch h an and d on onee  prosthetic limb Three-eyed goat Other/DM’s choice!

Chapter 8: Ar chtypical Char a c te r s R andom P i s t oc o crr acy (d2 11)) Poo l y c h r omatic Ar is (d21)

Table 3-2AB: Alternate XP Table

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

Calculating experience points can be a drag! This simplified table reduces the big numbers normally associated with the level advancement process to the total number of CR ½ Warrior 1 Orcs that a character would have to slay to advance to the level in question. At levels over 8, which do not allow XP gain for CR 1 monsters, this table assumes the character in question is slaughtering clusters of approximately four to 40 Orcs at a time and that each such cluster is a cohesive group with a Challenge Rating of 2 to 13. In any case, because the ease of killing Orcs increases exponentially as a character advances in level, so, too does the number of Orcs needed to do so; characters needing to advance to higher levels should be  prepared to annihilate legions, city city states, or even entire nations of such creatures.

The King in Yellow The White Witch The Black Knight The White Knight The Green Knight The Duke of Orange The Lord of Light The Prince of Darkness The Gray Eminence Thee Lad Th Lady y of of the the Gr Gree een n Kir Kirtl tlee The Black Prince The Red Queen The Ja Jade Em Empress The Sil ilve verr Pri rinc nceess The Red Baron Thee Kni Th Knigh ghts ts in Wh Whit itee Sat Satin in The Blue Earl The Purple Emperor  The Golden Khan Thee Con Th Conqu quer eror or of th thee Top Topaz az Th Thro rone ne Earl Grey

Random 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

A r c  h t y p i c a l

NPCs

Alhambra (H (Human Pa Paladin) Amber (Human Monk) Gimlet (Gnome Bard) Hemmet (Sorceror) Joebob (Human Cleric) Krust (H (Half-Orc Ba Barbari ria an) Loleda (Halfling Rogue) MigAlley (Wizard) Nebb Ne bbis ish h (Gn (Gnom ome e Wiz Wizar ard d [Il [Illu lusi sion onis ist] t])) Shov ovel elle les ss (R (Ran ang ger er)) Turd Tu rduc ucke ken n (Dw (Dwar arff Fig Fight hter er)) Vidalia (E (Elf Dr Druid) Spi pinn nner eret ette te (D (Dar ark k Elf Elf/D /Dro row w Bar Bard) d) Pews Pe wsla lag g (Hu (Huma man n An Anti tipa pala ladi din) n) Khro Kh roma mack ck (G (Gno noll ll Cl Cler eric ic/C /Cro rocu cuta ta)) Knic Kn ickk-Kn Knac ack k (Gn (Gnom ome e Spe peci cial alis ist) t)

(d1 6) 16

Character Level 1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th 11th 12th 13th 14th 15th 16th 17th 18th 19th 20th 21st 22nd 23rd 24th 25th 26th

O rc s 0 8 27 64 125 216 343 512 729 1,000 1,331 1,728 2,197 2,744 3,375 4,096 4,913 5,832 6,859 8,000 16,000 24,000 32,000 40,000 48,000 54,000

103

Nuisances: Dir e c to r ’s Cut

104

Chapter 9: Monsters

F

ew things are more annoying to a DM than some clever SOB of a player who thinks he knows everything about the creature you have just sprung on the party—and, it is even worse if he does. The following chapter  includes a number of tables, associated subtables, and new monsters that gamemasters can use to unsettle

the most confident know-it-alls. A number of the entries include several suggestions (such as Ettin/Hydra/Chimera) and many subtables, in order to stimulate a number of ideas about what will best fit your party’s levels and location—and whether the encounter will be deadly or merely exasperating. Items marked with an a sterisk (*) are new and appear in the appropriate section of this book.

T able ar iant Mons 00 ) Var Monstt er s (d1 (d100 a ble 8-1: V 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

Lazy-Eyed Medusa Golem with abnormal breath weapon (Subtable 8-2) Sneezing Dragon (Subtable 8-3) Pedophile Psychopath Unicorn (runs off with children, tries to kill maidens over the age of 12) Anthropologist/Folklorist Gynosphinx (collects riddles and other oral history items) Incontinent Giant (roll for type on Subtable 8-4) Masochistic Succubus/Nymph/Dryad (“Oh, come on, you know you want to hurt me, oh, pleeeease ...”) Evil Treant with contagious termites (roll saves for   party’s wooden items) Vegetarian Zombie/Ghoul/Ghast Dire Lion with shaggy mane only on hindquarters Yuan-ti/Lizardfolk/Troglodyte that vigorously sheds skin in big shreds during combat Manticore with “knock-out drops” venom on tail spikes Cat’O’Nine Tails Monster (Subtable 8-5) Defective Elemental/Outsider (Subtable 8-6) Rust Monster with runny nose (mucus also damages metal) Lopsided Golem Blink Dog with Firefly DNA (teleports and  flashes on and off) Ass-sucking Mind Flayer   Perky talking vermin or rodent (rats, bunnies, the spiders who bug Garfield ...) Perky talking vermin or rodent that is actually an annoying polymorphed Bronze or Gold Dragon

21

22 23 24 25 26

Undersized adult Blue Dragon with feelings of  inadequacy, uses ventriloquism and an Iron Golem as “dummy” and stalking horse/bait to assess party vulnerabilities Decapussywhipper* (new monster) Man-eating female Fey Unnatural Bulette with extreme preference for  Dwarf/Elf meat Farting Dragon (Subtable 8-7) “Bloodhumper” (a Vampiric Bactrian (two hump) or  Dromedary (one hump) Camel that stores blood in its humps)

105

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 27 28 29

30

31 32 33 34 35

36 37 38

Dryad/Nymph with luxuriant armpit hair (optional: knee-length and/or in long braids) Effeminate Beholder   Fastidious Bronze Dragon with formal gardens and small “farm” pools for raising shrimp, sharks, and  pearls Aberrant Humanoid/Demi-Human (combine result from Subtable 8-8: Humanoids (50%) or Subtable 8-9: Demihumans (50%) with a result from Subtable 8-10: Humanoid/Demi-HumanAberrations) Perverted Worm (Subtable 8-11) Beast-Headed Mermaid Frost Maiden* (new monster) Bulemic Behir/Remorhaz: ingests party members, vomits party members, repeat as desired ... Wrong Way Sabretooth Tiger/Dire Tiger: over-sized canine teeth protrude from lower jaw instead of  upper  Humming Rat* (new monster) Green Ethereal Mummy (inflicts negative levels) Skeleton with 1d12 additional arms (and attacks)

106

39

40 41 42 43 44

45 46 47 48 49

Abnormally acquisitive Ethereal Filcher  (kleptomaniac/packrat, attacks more than once and dogs the party) Dire Tiger with neon orange stripes on black body Satyr or Frost Worm with the Brown Noise* Feat Poor Student Beholder (eyes know only one spell) Gibbering Mouther with Severe Halitosis (equal to half-strength Stinking Cloud ) Mood Swing Doppelganger (perfect physical imitations but moods swing wildly; mood pattern recognizable from one form to another upon successful Sense Motive (hunch) roll, DC 15) Cloud and Storm Giant Hybrid with variant spells (tends toward “soggy”) Diseased Zombie spreading Filth Fever or Red Ache (“Disease,” DMG) Hippogriff with the head and forelegs of a horse and the body, wings, and “hind legs” of an eagle “Octopussy” Displacer Beast with eight tentacles instead of two Polychromatimorph* (new monster)

Chapter 9: Monsters 50 51 52 53 54

55 56 57 58

59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66

67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74

Bizarre Hybrid Outcast Dragon (Subtable 8-12) Tribe with Love Slaves (Subtable 8-13) Jester Dragon* (new monster) Harpy/Wyvern with diarrhea DireApe/Girallon attempts to communicate with party via sign language and gestures in order to swear  at and announce intent to kill them (answers to name of “Koko”) Chimera with unimpressive animal species for parts (50%) or immature animal parts (50%) Mutant four-armed Sahuagin with wet, stinking armpits Two-Headed Hungry Vampire Forgetful Doppelganger (e.g., can’t remember who he entered the outhouse as and absentmindedly switches personae without thinking) Spell-scroll-wrapped papier mache Mummy (with miscellaneous spell-like abilities) Squishy “Whoopi Cushion” Mimic with soft sticky  body and sound effects Masters and their Giant Slaves (Subtable 8-14) Myopic Bodak with spectacles Prissy Bearded Devil with perfect manicure, pedicure, and coiffed hair  Gray Render with Unusual Coloration (preferably clashing or rainbow) Sahuagin and Triton Mated Pair   Invisible Stalker with Bad Intestinal Gas (“what’s that smell? ... I know you did it, I sure didn’t ... ” [chomp]) Pedestrian Beholder (small muscular tentacles propel it along at 10’ movement rate) Gargoyle/Earth Elemental with a bad case of flaking schist Balor or Lich with Defect: Phobia* (Wizards/Men in Robes) Monstrous Spider with 1d6 evil Halflings (bearing +1 Short Swords of Orc Detection) riding it Dragons With Faulty Innards (Subtable 8-15) Three-eyed Giant with vertical stack of eyes: top eye is red, center eye is yellow, bottom eye is green Disco Bard Lillend with Dancing Otyugh Companion Griffon with head and forelegs of lion and body, wings,

75 76 77 78 79 80 81

82 83

84

and “hind legs” of an eagle. Beatnik Familiar with Hippie Wizard or Sorceror  Naturally Talented Aranea (casts spells as 4th-9th level sorceror: roll 1d6+3) Dire Ape/Girallon with body odor equal to halfstrength Stinking Cloud   effect Chain Devil with contagious rust (treat effect as Rust Monster ability) Fire/Frost Giant Hybrid with luke-warm abilities and opinions. Dire Wolverine with Whirlwind Attack (as per Air  Elemental) Gold dragon with waxed mustache whiskers is gourmet chef; uses very hot spices (optional: Defects: Fat* and Obese*) Extra rubbery, saggy Troll (parts bounce out of  reach when lopped off) Balor or Marilith with Retriever named Rover, who  brings home whole skeletons, treants, and a variety of round constructs Indecisive Doppelganger (1d6+1 for total number of   people he’s currently imitating parts of)

107

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 85 86 87

88 89 90 91 92

Dryad/Nymph with body odor equal to half-strength Stinking Cloud   effect Dragon Turtle with Large Moose Antlers (coated with moss and barnacles) Triceratops has duplicate set of rear-facing bone  plate-and-horns on rump, with “nose horn” instead of tail; opponents to rear and flank subject to sit attack or rump swing attack  Devourer whose essence victims sing, tell jokes, or   perform puppet shows Prankster Copper Dragon with mean streak, follows  party through several adventures Mutant Sahuagin, two to four tails 1-4 = two tails, 5-8 = three tails, 9-12 = four tails) Centaur with random animal substitution for horse  bod y Dire Dwarf* (see New Monsters Appendix)

108

93 94 95

96

97

98 99 100

Swarm of Grigs/Nixies/Pixies with bad intestinal gas Mutant Sahuagin (Malenti-Aquatic Elf look-alike) Ettin/Hydra/Chimera with multiple personality disorder (50% likely that half the heads, rounded down, will react differently to party than the rest) Dire Beast (DM’s choice) has draconic breath weapon (1d12: 1-3 fire, 4-6 ice, 7-9 lightning, 10-12 slow gas) Beholder with TV Antennae (50%, larger than normal central eye plays X-Files episodes and other  repeats) or Cable Hook Up (limited movement, easier to catch; larger than normal central eye  plays a variety of first run and repeat fantasy and SF shows) Damp Mummy sprouting mushrooms Skeleton regenerates like Troll, vulnerable to Fire White Dragon infected with the Shakes or Devil Chills (DMG, Disease)

Chapter 9: Monsters Subtable Subtable 8-2: Golems With A bnor mal Br ea tth h W eapons (d1 2) Brea Weapons (d12) 1-3

4-6

7-8

9-11

12

Flesh Golem with Bone Spray Breath Weapon: 1/10 rounds, 4d10 cone 40’ long of bone needles (Reflex, DC 15) Clay Golem with Shard Breath Weapon: 1/10 rounds, 5d10 cone 40’ long of hard broken pottery shards (Reflex, DC 16) Stone Golem with Stone Spray Breath Weapon: 1/10 rounds, 6d10 cone 50’ long of sharp obsidian needles (Reflex, DC 17) Iron Golem with Caltrops Vomit Breath Weapon: 1/10 rounds, 8d10 cone 50’ long of crudely shaped, spiky “caltrops,” (Reflex, DC 17). See DMG, Adventuring Gear for stepping on Caltrops Greater Stone Golem with Stone Spray Breath Weapon: 1/10 rounds, able to spit 12d10 cone 70’ long of  sharp obsidian needles (Reflex, DC 21)

Subt able 8-3: Sneezing Dr agons (d1 2) 2) Subtable Dragons (d12)  DMs should also consult the appropriate entries on Subtable 8-7: Farting Dragons for possible effects of flatulence caused  by sneezing. d12 1

2 3

4 5 6

7 8

Dragon Black (runny nose: chance of creating acid pools on floor) Blue (sneeze: chance for creating chain lightning effect) Brass (sneeze: chance for setting off flatulence, creating two opposing “breath weapon” effect areas) Bronze (sneeze: chance for creating chain lightning effect) Copper (runny nose: chance of creating acid pools on floor) Green (sneeze: chance for setting off flatulence, creating two opposing “breath weapon” effect areas) Gold (sneeze: chance for throwing off 1d6 CL 5  Fireballs) Red (sneeze: chance for throwing off 1d6 CL 5  Fireballs)

9 10 11 12

Silver (runny nose: chance of creating ice slicks on floor, roll for slips) White (runny nose: chance of creating ice slicks on floor, roll for slips) Half-dragon (reroll for dragon type, apply appropriate sneeze/snot to result) Dragon Hybrid Outcast (reroll at least twice)

Subt able 8-4: Giant T ypes 2) Subtable (d12) y pes (d1  At the gamemaster’s option, it is 50% likely that the giant is also near-sighted or drunk. d12 1 2-3 4-5 6-7 8-9

Giant Type Ettin (with the Nauseating Fart* Feat) Hill (grass or turf instead of hair; with the Annoying Belch* Feat) Frost (Icicle Sneezes (Ex)), 3d4, 20’ “cone,” Reflex DC 15 to avoid) Stone (flaking shale skin or boulder acne) Fire (Combusting Burps (Ex)), 3d4, 20’ “cone,” Reflex DC 16 to avoid)

109

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut 10

Cloud (with small smelly technicolor fart clouds following them) Storm (electricity sparking along metal teeth, receives Feat Biter*, 2d6 bite) Disgusting hybrid; roll twice more, ignoring duplicate results

11 12

Subt able 8-5: Cat ’O’Nine T ails 2) Subtable Monstt er (d1 (d12) a ils Mons  All Cat’O’Nine Tails Monsters (named after the whip with many tails) have 1d6+4 tails and that many tail attacks, with appropriate special tail attacks as per normal members of  their species. d12 1 2 3

Monster Arrowhawk   Manticore Ravid

4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Subtable 8-6: Defective Elementals/Outsiders (d24) 1 2 3 4

5 6

7 8 9 10 11 12 13

14

15

110

Monstrous Scorpion Horned Devil or Ice Devil Dragon (choose type) — ages that are size Large and up, for Tail Slap Pseudodragon or Wyvern Salamander   Humming Rat* (see New Monsters Appendix) Imp or Spider Eater   Purple Worm Marilith or Pit Fiend

Air Elemental with hiccups Belker/Invisible Stalker with a nagging cough Extra-stealthy Kleptomaniac Xorn (creeps up out of  the ground and raids party’s stone and gem goods) Angry Efreet with heat rash (extra possibility: allergic to brass and outcast from the Efreeti City of Brass). Roll on Random Body Location, page 26, for rash, then again for hit location during battle — Efreet has chance of going berserk if rash struck in fight Salamander with sprained tail (half constriction damage, moans and bitches the whole fight) Paranoid Tojanida (considers party a threat and goes out of its way to ink-blind them or grab them in  preemptive strikes) Water Elemental with chills (minor ice cube damage) Achaierai under punishment, curse of dancing Lantern Archon with sputtering light Salt Mephit Bartender, specializes in Margueritas and extra-dry martinis Barghest with Bugbear/Orc and Dire Tiger/Dire Lion alternate forms Water Mephit with small personal raincloud overhead Fire-farting Hell Hound (flatulence creates two opposing “breath weapon” effect areas, 25% chance every use of breath weapon) Triton without navigational skills (nags party to help him find home, follows them around whenever   possible) Djinn prone to motion sickness (difficulty completing Whirlwind attack; party gets to

Chapter 9: Monsters

16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24

“enjoy” his whining and become targets for his  puking) Earth Elemental with tremors (minor earthquake effect) Female Thoqqua with hot flashes, 50% chance of  double heat damage Tone-Deaf Trumpet Archon Greasy Fire Elemental (minor damage from random grease pops) Person/Monster is Double-Planetouched: Aasimar/ Tiefling hybrid/mutt with alignment mood swings Arrowhawk with sputtering tail ray Fire/Magma Mephit with Lava Dribbles/Diarrhea Air/Dust Mephit with a Nagging Cough Xill with eczema, 25% chance per round of having to use 1d4 limbs to scratch itches

Subt able 8-7 ar ting Dr agons (d1 2) 2) Subtable 8-7:: FFar arting Dragons (d12)  Dragon flatulence creates two opposing “breath weapon” areas-of-effect. A flatulent dragon may need to roll saving  throw if being jolted forward involves striking objects/buildings/structures. 1-2 3-4

5-6

7-8 9-10 11-12

Bronze (repulsion gas both strikes behind dragon and moves dragon forward 1d20 feet) Brass (sleep gas strikes behind dragon with normal effects on all but dragon; dragon moves forward 1d20 feet) Copper (slow gas both strikes behind dragon and causes dragon to save to avoid Slow effect; dragon moves forward 1d20 feet) Gold (weakening gas both strikes behind dragon and causes dragon to move forward 2d20 feet) Green (corrosive gas both strikes behind dragon and causes dragon to move forward 1d20 feet) Silver (paralyzing gas both strikes behind dragon and causes dragon to save to avoid Slow effect; dragon moves forward 2d20 feet)

Subt able 8-8: Humanoids (d12) (d1 2) Subtable 1 2 3

Sahuagin Lizardfolk   Gnolls

4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Kobolds Bugbears Orcs and Half-Orcs Goblins (1-6) or Hobgoblins (7-12) Ogres (1-6) or Ogre Magi (7-12) Locathah Merfolk   Troglodytes Kuo-toa

Subt able 8-9: Demi-Humans (d1 2) Subtable (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

High (1-6) or Gray (7-12) Elf   Duergar (1-6) or Derro (7-12) (Dwarf) Rock (1-6) or Forest (7-12) Gnome Lightfoot (1-6) or Tallfellow (7-12) (Halfling) Drow Elf   Hill (1-6) or Mountain (7-12) Dwarf  Human Half-Elf (1-6) or Wood Elf (7-12) Wild (1-6) or Aquatic (7-12) Elf   Svirfneblin (Gnome) Deep Halfling DM’s choice!

111

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Subt able 8-1 0: Humanoid/Demi-Human A bber ations Subtable 8-10: Abber bberations 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8

Effeminate tribe or reversed gender roles (females hunt and fight, males cook and tend babies) Diseased, spread by close contact/inhalation (1d12: 1-6, Cackle Fever, 7-12 Mindfire) All members of group have unusual Feat (see Chapter 4: Feats) All members of group are wearing their own knockedout teeth in jewelry. All members of group possess or are selling various Defective Items (see Chapter 6) or odd or cursed Magic Items (see Chapter 7) Odd colored or rainbow skin/eyes/tongues/hair. All members of group have an unusual Defect (all the same or each different; see Chapter 5: Defects) Eyes in the backs of their heads or shoulders: +4 to Spot checks.

9 10 11 12

Have living, carnivorous hair (gain extra bite attack  from spiny strands). Diseased, spread by injury: (1d12: 1-2, Demon Fever, 3-6 Filth Fever, 7-10 Red Ache, 11-12 Devil Chills) Extra arms (1-6) or legs (7-12): 1d12 extras, with added attacks as appropriate. Diseased, contact illness: (1d12: 1-2, Mummy Rot, 3-10 Shakes, 11-12 Slimy Doom)

Subt able 8-1 1: P er v er t ed W or ms Subtable 8-11: Per Wor 1 -2

3-4 5-6

7-8

9-10 11-12

Frost Worm that whose trill attack involves old corny songs (the DM is encouraged to abuse the  players while roleplaying the Worm, using such treats as “Aloha Oe,” “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” and TV theme songs). Two-headed Purple Worm (1 coil, 2 heads, 2 bites, no tail stinger) Remorhaz with glands that ooze “snow honey,” a thick  whitish goo which slows movement to ½ for all  beings save the remorhaz “Lava Worm,” exact opposite of Frost Worm (Fire Subtype (Ex), Breath Weapon (Su) cone of fire, Heat (Ex), any hot land, particularly barren or  volcanic, able to conceal self in molten terrain; all other stats and damage identical to Frost Worm) Technicolor Purple Worm, 1/5 rounds can cast  Prismatic Spray from its mouth Remorhaz with not only Tremorsense, but earthquake attack (once every 10 rounds, as per the spell)

Subt able 8-1 2: Bizar r e Hybr id Subtable 8-12: Hybrid Outcas t Dr agons (d1 2) (d12) The parents of most of these monsters were competitors or  mortal enemies, so the kids have some real personal issues (like alignment). Coloration may be a blend (as in Black + White = Gray), or the colors of the parents may be striped,  spotted, or swirled on the hybrid child. Diseases for breath weapons may be found in the DMG, under Disease. Stats can be customized or taken straight from either parent type. d12 1

112

Hybrid Type Chatterbox Brass and Blue Dragon with Defect:  Narcoleptic*.

Chapter 9: Monsters 2 3

4

5

6

7 8

9

10

11

12

Effeminate Pink (Red/White Dragon) with Phobia*: Men/Male Creatures. Malicious Prankster Copper/Red Dragon with one  breath weapon: Cackle Fever gas (Fortitude save, DC as per Red Dragon age, to avoid disease; otherwise no effect). Deranged Silver/Red Dragon with 1 breath weapon: Mindfire gas (Fortitude save, DC as per Red Dragon age, to avoid disease; otherwise no effect). Insane Male Gold and Red Dragon with Defects Horny* and Bitch*, shapechanges to mate with victims, and annoys them afterward by sending frilly gold-edged valentines Bronze/Black Dragon with “Rust Monster” cone  breath weapon: treat Dragon as Bronze for size of  cone and save DC; metal items save against rust as per Rust Monsters. Whiny Black/Blue Dragon prefers to use Pimp Slap* Feat with tail or paws. Purple (Red/Blue) Dragon with Rainbow Pattern breath weapon (Will save, DC as per Red Dragon age, or   be affected as per spell Black/White Dragon with “acid rain” breath weapon: sloppy spew functions as Black Dragon’s acid attack but also acts as foully tainted water, Fortitude save DC 14 vs. Blinding Sickness. Sickly Black/Green Dragon with Mummy Rot gas  breath weapon (Fortitude save, DC as per Green Dragon age, to avoid disease; otherwise no effect); claws carry Red Ache infection. Silver/Black (acid & cold breath) or Red/Black(acid and fire breath) Dragon with the Subtype Goth* and Aura of Dispair* Feats. Red/Green Dragon, bellows “ho, ho, ho,” with two  breath weapons: “Holly” breath weapon (treat as Red fire breath but physical damage, no heat) and “Ivy” breath weapon, treat as a Web spell.

Subt able 8-1 3: T r ibes W it h Lo v e Sla v es (d6) Subtable 8-13: Wit Slav  All love slaves are drugged or enchanted into adoring com pliance (just to make things harder for lawful or good parties intent on rescue).

R andom N ons on s t andar d L y cant hr opes (d1 2) Non onst andard Ly canthr hropes (d12) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

1 2 3 4 5 6

Weregerbil Wererabbit Wereskunk Wererhino Werecamel Werepeccary Werearmadillo Wereplatypus Werecrocodile Werelion Werecrane Wereinsect

Hobgoblins with Elven Love Slaves Orc Tribe with Human Love Slaves Goblin Tribe with Halfling Love Slaves Bugbear Tribe with Dwarven Love Slaves Gnoll Tribe with Elven Love Slaves Troglodyte Tribe with Gnomish Love Slaves

113

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut

Random

K e e p e r  s Ke

(d1 2) 12

Each of the following will have 1d12 HD and lead 1d6+6  giant versions of the creature in question. d12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Keeper   Ant Keeper   Snake Lord Roach Master   Bunny Scion Spider Baron Rat Pope Newt Czar   Slug Sheik Dog Emperor   Bird King Bat Monarch Pig Warden

114

Subt able 8-1 4: Mas Subtable 8-14: Mastt er s and Their Giant Slaves (d6)  Normally Giants are encountered in their lairs with these creatures as slaves, but in these cases the slaves have somehow become the masters ... d6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Master/Slave Pairing White Dragon Pair with 2-3 Frost Giant slaves Dire Wolf Pack with 1-6 Hill Giant slaves Dire Bear Mother and 3 Cubs with 1 Stone Giant slave Red Dragon with 1-6 Fire Giant slaves Mated Pair of Rocs with 1-2 Storm Giant nest slaves Pride of Griffons/Dire Lions with one Cloud Giant slave

Subt able 8-1 5: Dr agons W it h Subtable 8-15: Dragons Wit F aulty Innar ds (d1 2) 2) Innards (d12) 1-4

Blue/Bronze Dragon with “Faulty Electrical System” On use of breath weapon, 1d12: 1-4 1/2 strength lightning breath weapon, 5-8 normal lightning breath weapon, 9-12 2 x normal strength lightning breath weapon during “power surge” — audible popping and snapping sounds before and after  attack)

5-8

Silver/White Dragon with “Faulty Icebox” On use of breath weapon, 1d12: 1-4 1/2 strength cold breath weapon with “clots” of ice in it, 5-8 normal cold breath weapon, 9-12 2 x normal strength cold breath weapon during “cold surge” — extra mist and icicles trickle from dragon’s mouth

9-12

Brass/Gold/Red Dragon with “Flickering Furnace” On use of breath weapon, 1d12: 1-4 1/2 strength fire breath weapon 5-8 normal fire breath weapon 9-12 2 x normal strength fire breath weapon during “furnace flare-up”—extra smoke and flames leak from dragon’s mouth

Chapter 9: Monsters DEC APUSS APUSS YWHIPPER Large Aberration 10d8 (45 hp) +5 5 ft. (1 square), climb 30 ft. (6 squares) 20 (–1 size, +1 Dex, +10 natural), touch 10, flat-footed 20 Base Attack/Grapple: +7/+11 Attack: Bite +11 melee (1d8+2) or Tentacle +9 melee (1d6+4 subdual) Full Attack: Bite +11 melee (1d8+2) and 10 Tentacles +9 melee (1d6+4 subdual) 10 ft./10 ft. Space/Reach: Special Attacks: Spells Spells Special Qualities: Saves: Fort +3, Ref +4, Will +11 Abilities: Str 18, Dex 12, Con 11, Int 13, Wis 12, Cha 18 Skills: Bluff +17, Climb +12, Intimidate +17, Listen +1, Profession (Courtesan) +14, Spot +1 Extend Spell, Improved Initiative, Feats: Multiattack, Pimp Slap* Environment: Any inside or underground Organization: Solitary, Two-Way (2), or  Menage-a-Trois (3) Challenge Rating: 8 Treasure: Standard Often chaotic neutral Alignment: Advancement: By character class (Sorceror) LevelAdjustment: +9 Hit Dice: Initiative: Speed: Armor Class:

Spawned in some nameless netherworld, the natural form of  the Decapussywhip-per is that of a large, fleshy ball—five or  six feet across—sparsely covered with springy hair and exuding a damp, fishy odor. Ten long, tough tendrils protrude from its body, its mouth is a vertical slit filled with sharp, shark-like teeth, and it has two yellow, saucer-shaped eyes. Because this foul creature is an accomplished illusionist, however, it is very rarely seen in its natural form. It favors such sordid places as abandoned bordellos and torture chambers. In open areas, a Decapussywhipper can lurch along only

slowly. In areas with open spaces of up to 20 feet wide, however—as a result of walls, pillars, or other major structures—  its movement increases to 30. In addition, a Decapussy whipper  receives a +8 racial bonus on Climb skill checks. While it has extremely expensive tastes, a Decapussywhip per is a quintessential scavenger that can subsist on the vilest of organic materials, including offal, garbage, and even excrement. This creature speaks and understands the Common tongue.

Combat A Decapussywhipper can attack with all of its tentacles and its mouth in a single round, but can inflict only subdual damage with the appendages. It has a reach of 5 feet with its mouth and 10 feet with its tentacles. It favors areas filled with pillars, stalagmites, or the like, and if it uses at least two of its tentacles to suspend itself from such structures, it receives a +2 bonus to attacks with its other tentacles and its bite. Each of a Decapussywhipper’s tentacles is AC 16 and can  be attacked individually; if one receives 8 or more points of  slashing damage, it will be lopped off (it will grow back, however, after a week and a day). This may manifest itself as the death of one of its illusory retainers (see below). A Decapussywhipper casts spells as a 10th level Sorceror, and knows the following spells: 5th level (3/day), Persistent   Image; 4th level (6/day),  Hallucinatory Terrain,  Rainbow

115

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut  Pattern; 3rd level (7/day), Displacement , Hold Person, Major   Image; 2nd level (7/day), Blur , Hypnotic Pattern, Leomund’s Trap, Misdirection, Touch of Idiocy; 1st level (7/day), Charm  Person, Color Spray, Disguise Self , Nystul’s Magic Aura, Ventriloquism; 0 level (6/day), Daze, Detect Magic, Ghost Sound ,  Mage Hand , Open/Close, Read Magic, Resistance, Touch of   Fatigue. One of the Decapussywhipper’s favorite and most complex illusions (generally accomplished with Mirage Arcana) is of  an S&M club occupied by 10 bestial Orcs being abused by a

116

tall, strikingly beautiful Human female dominatrix wearing black  leather garments and spiked heels. Under this guise, it will use its spells to subdue its victims—making it appear as if the dominatrix is casting them—  and beat them into submission with its tentacles—while making it seem as if the Orcs are attacking them with clubs, saps, and whips. Once characters have been subdued, it will restrain, humiliate, and torment them for awhile. It will likely tire of them and let them go after a day or two, but will sometimes keep a single charismatic or amusing character for as long as a month.

Chapter 9: Monsters DIRE DWARF Large Humanoid (Dwarf) Hit Dice: 4d8+8 (26) Initiative: +0 Speed: 10 ft. in splint mail (2 squares);  base speed 10 ft. Armor Class: 16 (+6 splint mail), touch 10, flat-footed 16. Base Attack/Grapple: +4/+8 Attack: Dire Dwarven Urkrutch +8 melee (1d10+6/x3) or boulder +4 ranged (1d6+6/x2) Dire Dwarven Urkrutch +8 melee Full Attack: (1d10+6/x3) or boulder +4 ranged (1d6+6/x2) Space/Reach: 10 ft./10 ft. Special Attacks: Boulder throwing Special Qualities: Dire Dwarf traits Saves: Fort +4, Ref +1, Will +0 Str 19, Dex 10, Con 14, Abilities: Int 10, Wis 9, Cha 5 Appraise +2, Craft (Blacksmithing) +2, Skills: Craft (Stonemasonry) +2, Listen +4, Spot +4 Feats: Weapon Focus (Dire Dwarven Urkrutch), Power Attack, Cleave, Improved Bull Rush, Great Cleave Environment: Any inside or underground Solitary, Pod (11-20), or Con (20-80) Organization: Challenge Rating: 2 Treasure: Half standard Alignment: Often neutral Advancement: By character class LevelAdjustment: +0

Dire Dwarves can subsist on almost anything, and function effectively as scavengers, but their favorite cuisine consists of rectangular slabs of pie crust covered with frosting, washed down with two-liter flasks of sweet beverages into which their  alchemists have infused bubbles of air. These dour creatures partake of innumerable games and diversions, but rarely seem to enjoy them much. Such creatures are often impoverished and those that are not tend to be exceedingly stingy with what they do have.

Combat Often known as Fatbeards, Dire Dwarves are immense, coarselooking monsters, proportioned like their smaller cousins but standing fully as tall as normal humans. They typically weigh anywhere upwards of 400 pounds, have long, thick beards, and tend to dress entirely in black. Because they are so slow moving, Dire Dwarves often find alternatives to walking (e.g., having trains of slaves drag them around in wagons).

Despite their fearsome appearance, Dire Dwarves have many limitations in combat. Because of their great strength, however, they can inflict telling damage if they are able to succe ssfully strike their opponents. Generally, these monstrosities prefer to fight while sitting down (e.g., on rocks or large, portable chairs), lunging with their Dire Dwarven Urkrutches in both hands at anything that comes within reach, and hurling boul-

117

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut ders at anything further away. Dire Dwarf Traits (ex): Dire Dwarves have the following racial traits:  — +4 Strength, +2 Constitution, –3 Charisma  — Large size  — A Dire Dwarf’s base speed is a mere 10 feet. This speed, however, is not reduced by medium or heavy armor or medium or heavy encumbrance.  — Darkvision 60 ft., Stonecunning, skill check bonuses, and languages as a normal Dwarf (“Dwarf,” MM).  — Weapon Familiarity: Dire Dwarves treat Dire Dwarven Urkrutches as martial weapons rather than exotic weapons.  — Instability: Dire Dwarves are surprisingly unstable, suffering –2 on ability checks made to resist being bull rushed or  tripped and on Balance skill checks.  — +4 racial bonus on saving throws against poison (not reflected in the saving throw figures given above).  — –2 racial saving throw penalty on saving throws against attacks that affect the senses.  — Favored Class: Expert. Obesity: Although the huge slabs of fat covering their bodies impedes Dire Dwarves’ mobility, this does allow them to inflict 2d6 damage — plus Strength bonus — against opponents that they can bull rush into walls or other solid objects. Decrepit Health: Hauling their great bulk around ravages the health of Dire Dwarves and forces them to remain inactive as much as possible. If compelled to move or fight, Dire Dwarves can function normally for a number of rounds equal to their  Constitution score, after which they will be fatigued, suffering a –2 penalty to Strength and Dexterity until they have rested at least one minute for every round of exertion. Fatigued Dire Dwarves can be active for a number of rounds equal to their  Constitution, after which they will become exhausted (“condition summary,” DMG). If equipped with an Urkrutch — designed to double as a cane — a Dire Dwarf can hobble along for a number of minutes equal to his Constitution before becoming exhausted. Those not equipped with such implements, however, suffer 1 point of  subdual damage for every round or movement. Even those with Urkrutches suffer 1 point of subdual damage for every round engaged in combat or other strenuous activity (e.g., charging). Hypersensitivity: Dire Dwarves are extremely sensitive to

118

strong smells, loud noises, and the like, and will usually retreat from them. If unable or unwilling to escape such sensory stimuli, however, Dire Dwarves will suffer a –2 penalty to all attacks, saving throws, and skill checks while they persist. Boulder Throwing: Range increment is 10 feet for a Dire Dwarf’s thrown boulders.

FROST MAIDEN (OF APHRODITE) Medium Outsider (Extraplanar) 6d8+12 (39 hp) +2 30 ft. (6 squares) 18 (+2 Dex, +6 natural), touch 12, flat-footed 16 Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+7 Attack: Dagger +10 melee (1d4+3/x3, +2 Dagger ) Dagger +10/+5 melee Full Attack: (1d4+3/x3, +2 Dagger ) 5 ft./5 ft. Space/Reach: Special Attacks:  Ray of Frost , Pang of Pain, Smite Evil  Special Qualities: Change Shape, Protection From Evil , Tongues, darkvision 60 ft., damage reduction 5/magic, acid resistance 5, cold resistance 5, electricity resistance 5, spell resistance 11 Fort +7, Ref +7, Will +8 Saves: Abilities: Str 12, Dex 15, Con 15, Int 11, Wis 16, Cha 20 Skills: Bluff +17, Diplomacy +17, Gather  Information +17, Intimidate +17, Perform +17, Profession (Courtesan) +18, Sense Motive +15, Use Magic Device +17 Feats: Skill Focus (Profession [Courtesan]), Weapon Focus (Dagger) Environment: Any non-evil, non-lawful plane Organization: Solitary, twosome, or threesome Challenge Rating: 4 Treasure:  None Hit Dice: Initiative: Speed: Armor Class:

Chapter 9: Monsters Alignment: Advancement: LevelAdjustment:

Usually chaotic good By character class +5

Frost Maidens are extraplanar creatures that typically take the form of cold, stunningly beautiful young women. They generally wear little or nothing. As the servants of love deities like Aphrodite, Frost Maidens generally serve as messengers and agents for their divine mistresses, and as bodyguards, consorts, and advisors for  their most loyal followers. They are typically summoned to serve as mistresses-of-ceremony for ritual orgies, paramours for priests and powerful temple supporters, and consultants on all matters erotic, and Change Shape to take forms appro priate to their missions or pleasing to those who have summoned them. In exchange for their services, Frost Maidens prefer gifts like jewelry, gems, and appropriate magic items, and can be quite vocal in their desires (e.g., “I want diamonds!” or “Get me a fur!”). They are also very vain and demand constant attention and adulation, becoming peevish and unhelpful if they do not think  their companions are displaying the right attitude or adopting the right “tone.”

melee attack to deal extra damage equal to her HD (typically +6) to an evil creature. Special Qualities: Frost maidens can use upon themselves Change Shape, Protection From Evil , and Tongues at will. Skills: Frost maidens receive a +3 racial bonus on Bluff, Diplomacy, Gather Information, Intimidate, Perform, Profession (Courtesan), Sense Motive, and Use Magic Device skill checks.

Combat Frost maidens are not fast to fling themselves into combat,  preferring to adjudicate situations using their various skills and special abilities. If necessary, however, they have a num ber of special abilities that they can employ against opponents the do not succumb to their charms. A frost maiden will typically be armed with a +2 Dagger . Ray of Frost: Twice a day, a frost maiden can discharge a ray of cold as a ranged touch attack up to 40 feet that inflicts 6d6 damage against opponents with no saving throw allowed. If desired, however, she can have this inflict subdual rather  than regular damage. Pang of Pain: Once per day, a frost maiden can inflict piercing pain on a single creature within 40 feet (Fortitude negates, DC 20), subjecting it to –4 penalties on attacks, skill checks, and ability checks when in the maiden’s presence and for an hour after leaving it. Smite Evil: Once per day, a frost maiden can make a normal

119

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut Haggis, Wild Hairy Small Animal 1d8+2 (6 hp) +1 30 ft. (6 squares), Climb 15 ft. 16 (+1 size, +2 Dex, +3 natural), touch 13, flat-footed 13 Base Attack/Grapple: +0/–4 Attack: Claw +4 melee (1d2) Full Attack: 2 Claws +4 melee (1d2), Bite –1 melee (1d3) Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft. Rage Special Attacks: Special Qualities: Low-Light Vision, Scent Fort +4, Ref +5, Will +1 Saves: Abilities: Str 11, Dex 17, Con 15, Int 2, Wis 13, Cha 7 Skills: Balance +8, Climb +5, Escape Artist +7, Listen +2, Spot +2 Lucky*, Weapon FinesseB Feats: Environment: Highlands Solitary, Pair, or Heap (3-8) Organization: Challenge Rating: 3/4 Treasure:  None Alignment: Always neutral Advancement: 2-3 HD (Small) LevelAdjustment: +0 Hit Dice: Initiative: Speed: Armor Class:

The Wild Hairy Haggis is a small, shaggy highland beast that at full growth is one to three feet long and weighs up to 30  pounds. Such creatures are omnivorous in nature, subsisting  primarily on heather but also on various other plants and whatever they might scavenge from places as disparate as adventurers’ packs. One of the most distinctive characteristics of the Wild Hairy Haggis is its spindly legs, two of which are longer than the others, predisposing the creature to movement in a single ap propriate direction along the slopes of hills and mountains. Contrary to myth, however, those with longer right legs and those with longer left legs are not separate subspecies, and litters are known to have plucks with dominant legs on either  side. Also contrary to myth — and to the chagrin of misin-

120

 A depiction of a Wild Hairy Haggis by Scottish alchemist   Richard Alan, based on a harrowing personal encounter.

formed adventurers and would-be hunters — Wild Hairy Haggis are not easily trapped as a result of their strange appendages, and under duress can hop on their dominant legs at half their  normal movement rate. Diverse other variations and mutations are periodically noted in individual Wild Hairy Haggis. Such little creatures are considered a delicacy by the denizens of the highland regions in which they dwell, and the means for preparing them consist of little more than shaving off their  hair, removing their bony legs, snout, and tail, and boiling them. Little goes to waste on these creatures, and craftsmen  produce sporrans from their shaggy hides, bagpipe bags from their skins, bagpipe drones from their spindly legs, and bag pipe chanters from — depending on the school of music in question — their tails, snouts, or pizzles, as appropriate. A related and much rarer species, the Great Highland Haggis, is much larger than the Wild Hairy Haggis. Haggis in general are widely believed to be related to a number of similar creatures from around the world, including the Sidehill Gouger of  British Columbia and Saskatchewan, the Dahu of France and Switzerland, the Sidehill Dodge Hodag of Wisconsin, and the Wampahoofus of Vermont.

Chapter 9: Monsters Combat A Wild Hairy Haggis is armed with long claws and sharp teeth and, while not overly aggressive, has been known to viciously attack those who disturb it. Despite its potential viciousness, however, such a creature will usually only attack if scared,  pestered, or threatened Rage (Ex): A Wild Hairy Haggis that takes damage in com bat flies into a berserk rage on its next turn, clawing and biting madly until either it or its opponent is dead. It gains +4 to Strength, +4 to Constitution, and –2 to Armor Class. The creature cannot end its rage voluntarily. Skills: A Wild Hairy Haggis receives a +4 racial bonus on Balance, Climb, and Escape Artist checks.

HUMMING RAT  Small Magical Beast Hit Dice: 5d10 (27 hp) +3 Initiative: Speed: 20 ft. (4 squares), fly 60 ft. (poor) 14 (+1 size, +3 Dex), touch 14, Armor Class: flat-footed 11 Base Atk/Grp: +5/–1 Attack: Sting +9 melee (1d6-1 plus poison) or  Bite +9 melee (1d6-1) Full Attack: Sting +9 melee (1d6-1 plus poison) Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft. Constant Annoyance, Poison Special Attacks: Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision Saves: Fort +4, Ref +7, Will +2 Abilities: Str 8, Dex 17, Con 11, Int 4, Wis 13, Cha 6 Skills: Knowledge (Music) +4, Listen +5, Spot +5 Feats: Alertness, DodgeB, Weapon Finesse Any Environment: Organization: Pair or flock (5-50) Challenge Rating: 3 Treasure:  None Alignment: Usually neutral evil Advancement: 6–8 HD (Small); 9–15 HD (Medium) LevelAdjustment:  — 

Also known as Hummers and Ratzoos, Humming Rats appear  to be oversized, shaggy rodents with small batwings instead of normal ears, and ugly spine-tipped tail. Their flight is ungainly, accompanied by the buzzing of their wings, and they hum a nasal, honking, kazoo-like song. Females are 20 to 25  pounds, males are 25 to 30 pounds (the largest are usually the flock’s alpha rat pair).

COMBAT  “Hummers” chiefly delight in tormenting their prey. Humming Rat flocks always drone in unison, using their ability of Constant Annoyance (see below) to wear down their prey and  prevent retaliation as they drive their victims toward exhaustion and a future as the flock’s dinner. The songs they drone are always selected from the local population, and the “Ratzoos” have a talent for selecting the music most likely to drive prey up the walls. Humming rats will only bite as a last resort, preferring to hover, sting with their tails, and continue to hum with mouths closed. Damage from the poison in their tails manifests itself as huge, purple-and-black, swollen lumps. This otherwise harmless poison, and the Hummer ’s tendency to strike at the face or  visible skin when possible, aids them in their strategy of isolating and wearing down their victims, since most folks, upon seeing a mottled, lump-studded Hummer victim, run in fear of   plague. The intelligence and low cunning of the creatures leads

121

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut them to spy upon and select as prey folk who live alone, groups who camp far from help in the wilderness, and the musicallyinclined (who make exceptionally sensitive victims). An exceptionally large flock of Humming Rats in Germany managed to drive the Goblin composer-Bard Vile Helm Rakehard Worgener (best known for his vigorous composition “Raid of  the Vampires” for nose flute and ox horn) away from his home fort at Leap Pig and clear out of the country. They achieved this by hovering outside his hovel nightly and mangling, in their kazoo-like fashion, his entire repertoire. Due to Vile Helm’s exceptional riding skills and a fast Worg steed, the flock failed to devour him as the sleep-deprived Goblin finally fled screaming for the hills. Similarly, across the country another German Hummer flock  drove a lecherous Bard and his bagpipes from the town of  Hamelin, along with 27 children he’d fathered out of wedlock  and five female “associates” from the local brothel. This “eviction” may have saved the Bard’s life from the impending plans of the cuckolded mayor and half the town council. Humming Rats speak their own language (a mixture of vile gestures, chittering, and hisses with which they coordinate hunting, song choices, and recreational ratly orgies) and Common, limiting most of their use of the latter to insults and to spying on potential victims. Constant Annoyance (Ex): Once the Humming Rats begin their droning, all within hearing must make a Will saving throw at DC 15 or suffer –3 to all combat rolls, spell attempts, and Concentration checks due to severe disruption of the character’s ability to concentrate. This saving throw roll must be made anew every time the “Ratzoos” finish one song and begin another, since each new selection may be more devastating than the last. Poison (Ex): Injury, Fortitude, DC 13, initial and secondary damage 1d4 Charisma. The Save DC is Constitution-based.

122

JESTER DRAGON Medium Dragon (Chaotic, Shapechanger) Hit Dice: 20d12+100 (230) Initiative: +4 Speed: 40 ft., fly 150 ft. (good) 31 (-2 size, +19 natural, +4 Dex), Armor Class: touch 12, flat-footed 27 Base Attack/Grapple: +17/+33 Attack: Bite +22 melee (2d6+5) Full Attack: +22 Bite (2d6+5), +20 2 claws (1d8+2), +20 2 wing strikes (1d6+2), and +20 tail slap (1d8+5) 10 ft./5 ft. (10 ft. with bite) Space/Reach: Special Attacks: Spell-like abilities, breath weapon Damage reduction 5/law, Special Qualities: darkvision 60 ft. Saves: Fort +17, Ref +16, Will +15 Abilities: Str 20, Dex 18, Con 21, Int 16, Wis 17, Cha 18 Bluff +21, Diplomacy +19, Skills: Disguise+19, Intimidate +18, Knowledge (Arcana) +18, Knowledge (The Planes) +18, Listen +23, Perform (Comedy) +14, Search +23, Sense Motive +23, Spellcraft +18, Spot +23, and Use Magic Device +19. Feats: Flyby Attack, Hover, Lucky* (x2), Multiattack, Persuasive, Wingover  Environment: Gambling halls, festivals, adventurer’s guilds, the least expected places Organization: Solitary Challenge Rating: 12 Triple standard Treasure: Alignment: Always chaotic neutral  —  LevelAdjustment:

Strangely reviled by countless adventurers, the jester dragons are something of an enigma to scholars of dragonkind. No more than a single jester dragon has ever been observed in

Chapter 9: Monsters

Known Curses Bestowed By J agons (d1 2) 2) Jeeess t er Dr Dragons (d12 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8

9

captivity, and no immature or elder examples of the species have been documented. A jester dragon’s hide has a natural pattern like that of a  jester’s motley outfit, outfit, and the creature often supplements supplements this with a fool’s cap. It also has a pair of prominent ass-like buckteeth, which it is often at some pains to conceal. The jester dragon is uniquely sociable for its kind, often assuming humanoid form and mingling in civilized society. The creatures just seem to appear out of nowhere, leading some  planar wanderers to suspect the creatures have a purely chaotic nature rather than more natural draconic origins. Jester dragons seem to be harbingers of either extraordinarily good or bad luck and revel in interfering in the affairs of  intelligent humanoids. Often jester dragons seem to pursue no discernable agenda.

10 11

12

Touched in the Head: -4 decrease to Int, Wis, Cha scores (minimum 1). Atrophy: -4 decrease to Str, Dex, Con scores (minimum 1). Transmogrification: Permanent transformation to a randomly rolled race per the Reincarnation spell. Alignment Shift: Character alignment shifts one step along the alignment axis of the DM’s choice. Alignment Reversal: One non-neutral element of the character’s character’s alignment is reversed at the DM’ss discretion. DM’ Eat Me: Character size permanently increases by one category. Drink Me: Character size permanently decreases  by one category. Struck Lame: Character loses use of one arm, rendering the use of two handed weapons impossible, imparting imparting a -4 decrease to his Dex score, and imparting a -4 circumstance penalty to appropriate skills such as Craft, Disable Device, Open Lock, and Use Rope. Lethargy: Character’s metabolic rate is dramatically dramaticall y slowed resulting in a 10’ decrease in movement rate, a -4 decrease to his Dex score, and a -4 penalty to initiative rolls. Gender Re Reversal: Permanent transformation in the character’s character ’s gender. Speech Imp Impediment: Associates of the affected character must succeed at a DC 10 Int check to comprehend any statement greater than 25 words spoken by the character. Alternatively, they may opt to spend skill points to speak the affected character’s “language.” Nega Ne gati tive ve En Ener ergy gy Tai aint nt:: Affected character is lightly corrupted by negative energy to an ex tent that he is now damaged by cure wounds spells and healed by inflict wounds spells. This does not change the effects of the Heal  the  Heal , Raise  Dead , or Resurrection or Resurrection spells.

123

Nuisances: Dir e c to r ’s Cut COMBAT 

Special Qualities:

While a Jester Dragon can be formidable in straightforward combat, it generally prefers to use its special abilities as much as possible. Unhinging Presence (Ex): All creatures within 180’ of a Jester Dragon must succeed suc ceed at a DC 21 Will save or be affected  by the Hideous Hideous Laughter spell. The Jester Dragon Dragon may selecselectively suppress this ability ability.. tra pped in the Breath Weapon (Su):  50’ cone; all creatures trapped Jester Dragon’s iridescent smoke cone lose half of all nonmagical coins and gems on their person. Creatures which succeed at a Reflex DC 25 check lose only one quarter of their  wealth. Baleful Strike (Ex):  All enemies struck by the Jester  Dragon’s claw or tail slap attacks must succeed at a DC 21 Fort save or be affected by the Bestow Curse spell. The Jester  Dragon may selectively suppress this ability. Discombobulate (Ex): The Jester Dragon may replace its  bite attack with a mysterious mysterious mind-shattering contortion of its its facial features. Unless the targeted PC succeeds at a DC 23 Will save, he suffers 4 points of attribute damage to Int, Wis, and Cha and is confused for 2d4 rounds. Spell-like abilities: Three times per day each, the Jester  Dragon may use the following spell like abilities as if cast by a 6th Level Sorceror: Chaos Hammer , Polymorph  Polymorph,, Teleport .

Orc, Little Little Orc, 1st-Level Warrior Fine Humanoid (Orc) 1/8d8 (1 hp) +4 5 ft. (1 square) 23 (+1 shield, +8 size, +4 Dex), touch

Hit Dice: Initiative: Speed: Armor Class: 22, flat-footed 18 Base Attack/Grapple: +1/–21 Attack: Falchi hion on +9 melee (1d2–5/18–20) or  Shortbow +13 ranged (1) Full Attack: Falchion +9 melee (1d2–5/18–20) or  Shortbow +13 ranged (1) Space/Reach: ½ ft./0 ft. Special Attacks: Siege Weapons

124

Saves: Abilities: Skills: Feats: Environment: Organization:

Challenge Rating: Treasure: Alignment: Advancement: LevelAdjustment:

Darkvision 60 feet , Damage Finesse, Light Sensitivity Fort +2, Ref +4, +4 , Will –2 Str 1, Dex 19, Con 10, Int 8, Wis 7, Cha 6 Hide +20 (+18 with shield), Listen +1, Spot +1 Alertness, Weapon FinesseB Any Pack (2–3 of varying levels), Taskforce (8 of varying levels), Warband (15 of varying levels), or  Army (100, including 10 3rd-level sergeants, five 5th-level lieutenants, and three 7th-level captains) ½ Standard Usually neutral, often with a strong tendency toward lawful evil By character class +0

Little Orcs are a miniature subrace of Orcs that look identical to their normal counterparts in every respect but size. Indeed, most are not much more than an inch high, and an average Little Orc male is just 28 millimeters in height. Such creatures will often be found in the service of masters who do not have the power or resources to afford large forces of full-sized humanoids, humanoid s, or those who wish to stage mock battles or other sorts of scenarios in areas of limited space. Little Orcs living in settled areas on their own spend much of their time in thieving, scavenging, and voyeurism. Those dwelling in wilderness or dungeon areas often eke out an existence based on the hunting of insects, rodents, and other small creatures.

Chapter 9: Monsters Little Orcs speak their own idiosyncratic dialec t of Orc, and many of their leaders speak some other language as well, typically Common. Most Little Orcs encountered away from their homes are Warriors (the information in the statistics block is for one of  1st level). One of the most notorious bands is the Orcs of the Triple Death, the members of which are distinguished by a triple-skull device on their shields.

Combat Little Orcs are proficient with all simple weapons, martial weapons, and Orc Double Axes (1d2/1d2 damage), and are especially fond of bows (1 damage), one-handed falchions (1d2 damage), spears (1d2 damage), flails (1d2 damage), morning stars (1d2 damage), great axes (1d4 damage), and various sorts of pole arms (1d3 damage). They wear various sorts of light armor, but as small as they are it is not thick enough to actually give them any protection against attacks from larger opponents. Those equipped with shields, however, gain one point to their ACs. To the greatest extent possible, pos sible, Little Orcs prefer to employ stealth, concealment, and ambuscade against larger opponents, catching them off guard and finishing them off quickly of at all  possible. Such creatures are overly martial for their own good, however, and often regret their decisions to engage in pitched  battles. A single 5-foot square can hold up to 100 of these little monsters.

Siege Weapons (Ex): Little Orcs are proficient with all sorts of siege and crew-served weapons, and whenever they can these mean little creatures will attempt to offset their diminutive size by cooperatively using such devices against their  opponents. They are especially fond of heavy catapults, which require at least four crewmen and inflict 3d4 damage on a successful hit. Attacks Attacks with such a weapon can be made once per  round, are at +9, and have a range increment of 20 feet. Light Sensitivity (Ex): Like their full-size counterparts, Little Orcs are dazzled in bright sunlight or within the radius of a  Daylight spell.

125

Nuisances: Dir ect e ctor ’s Cut   

Polychromatimorph

Hit Dice: Initiative: Speed: Armor Class: Base Attack/Grapple: Attack: Full Attack: Space/Reach: Special Attacks: Special Qualities: Saves: Abilities: Skills: Feats:

Environment: Organization: Challenge Rating: Treasure: Alignment: Advancement: LevelAdjustment:

Medium Aberration 10,000d8 (54,990 hp) +0 20 ft. (4 squares) 10, touch 10, flat-footed 10 +7,500/+7,500 Unarmed strike +7,500 melee (1 point) Unarmed strike +7,500 melee (1 point) 5 ft./5 ft. Color change Shape-Shifting, Darkvision 60 ft. Fort +3,333, Ref +3,333, Will +5,002 Str 10, Dex 10, Con 10, Int 3, Wis 10, Cha 10 Climb +6,669, Jump +6,668, Swim +6,669 Athletic, Great Fortitude, Iron Will, Lightning Reflexes, Skill Focus (Climb), Skill Focus (Jump), Skill Focus (Swim), Toughness (x3,330)  Near adventuring parties Solitary 1  None  Neutral  —   — 

Spawned in some nameless netherworld or the result of a misfired Wizard’s experiment, the origins of the Polychromatimorph are unknown — especially as no one is claiming respon sibility for this odd creature. In appearance, the creature appears to be an upright, somewhat anthropomorphic animal, the exact form and specific coloration of which varies each day. One day it may appear to be a purple bunny, the next a huge pink talking buffoonish rooster, and on the third an orange wolf. Its coloration almost never  matches its form. A Polychromatimorph is like a big, retarded kid, and its o nly motivation, even before survival, appears to be having fun. As long as whatever it is doing is fun and enjoyable, it will keep

126

doing it. Due to the creature’s low intelligence, however, it is hard for the Polychromatimorph to come up with new and exciting things to do. Therefore, it looks for funny and eccentric  people to be around — typically adventurers, who it will follow around, with an eye toward playing with them, disrupting their activities, and annoying them.

Combat A Polychromatimorph does not really have any combat tactics, is practically immune to damage, and has no desire to hurt anybody. It does, however, find it amusing to use its special attack on others, inflicting either lethal or non-lethal damage, at its option. Color Change (Su): Anyone struck by a Polychromatimorph must make a DC 18 Fortitude saving throw or be changed to some random color. If a victim is struck a second or subsequent time, the new color will combine with the first, forming stripes, polka dots, zig-zags, tie dye, art deco, detailed landscape scenes, or anything else that strikes the fancy of the Polychromatimorph.

127

Chap ter 10: Exclamation Points

129

Chapter 11: Open Game License v.1.0a The following text is the property of Wizards of the Coast, Inc. and is Copyright 2000 Wizards of the Coast, Inc. (“Wizards”). All Rights Reserved. 1. Definitions: (a) “Contributors” means the copyright and/or trademark owners who have contributed Open Game Content; (b) “Derivative Material” means copyrighted material including derivative works and translations (including into other computer languages), potation, modification, correction, addition, extension, upgrade, improvement, compilation, abridgment or other form in which an existing work may  be recast, transforme d or adapted; (c) “Distrib ute” means to reproduce, license, rent, lease, sell, broadcast, publicly display, transmit or otherwise distribute; (d) “Open Game Content” means the game mechanic and includes the methods, procedures, processes and routines to the extent such content does not embody the Product Identity and is an enhancement over the prior art and any additional content clearly identified as Open Game Content by the Contributor, and means any work covered by this License, including translations and derivative works under copyright law, but specifically excludes Product Identity. (e) “Product Identity” means product and product line names, logos and identifying marks including trade dress; artifacts; creatures characters; stories, storylines, plots, thematic elements, dialogue, incidents, language, artwork, symbols, designs, depictions, likenesses, formats, poses, concepts, themes and graphic, photographic and other visual or audio representations; names and descriptions of characters, spells, enchantments, personalities, teams, personas, likenesses and special abilities; places, locations, environments, creatures, equipment, magical or supernatural abilities or effects, logos, symbols, or graphic designs; and any other trademark or registered trademark clearly identified as Product identity by the owner of the Product Identity, and which specifically excludes the Open Game Content; (f) “Trademark” means the logos, names, mark, sign, motto, designs that are used by a Contributor to identify itself or its  product s or the assoc iated product s contri buted to the Open Game License by the Contributor (g) “Use”, “Used” or “Using” means to use, Distribute, copy, edit, format, modify, translate and otherwise create Derivative Material of Open Game Content. (h) “You” or “Your” means the licensee in terms of this agreement. 2. The License: This License applies to any Open Game Content that contains a notice indicating that the Open Game Content may only be Used under and in terms of this License. You must affix such a notice to any Open Game Content that you Use. No terms may be added to or  subtracted from this License except as described by the License itself.  No other terms or conditi ons may be applie d to any Open Game Content distributed using this License. 3. Offer and Acceptance: By Using the Open Game Content You indicate Your acceptance of the terms of this License. 4. Grant and Consideration: In consideration for agreeing to use this License, the Contributors grant You a perpetual, worldwide, royaltyfree, non-exclusive license with the exact terms of this License to Use, the Open Game Content. 5. Representation of Authority to Contribute: If You are contributing original material as Open Game Content, You represent that Your Contributions are Your original creation and/or You have sufficient rights to grant the rights conveyed by this License.

130

6. Notice of License Copyright: You must update the COPYRIGHT  NOTICE portion of this License to include the exact text of the COPYRIGHT NOTICE of any Open Game Content You are copying, modifying or distributing, and You must add the title, the copyright date, and the copyright holder’s name to the COPYRIGHT NOTICE of any original Open Game Content you Distribute. 7. Use of Product Identity: You agree not to Use any Product Identity, including as an indication as to compatibility, except as expressly licensed in another, independent Agreement with the owner of each element of that Product Identity. You agree not to indicate compatibility or co-adaptability with any Trademark or Registered Trademark in conjunction with a work containing Open Game Content except as expressly licensed in another, independent Agreement with the owner of  such Trademark or Registered Trademark. The use of any Product Identity in Open Game Content does not constitute a challenge to the ownership of that Product Identity. The owner of any Product Identity used in Open Game Content shall retain all rights, title and interest in and to that Product Identity. 8. Identification: If you distribute Open Game Content You must clearly indicate which portions of the work that you are distributing are Open Game Content. 9. Updating the License: Wizards or its designated Agents may publish updated versions of this License. You may use any authorized version of  this License to copy, modify and distribute any Open Game Content originally distributed under any version of this License. 10. Copy of this License: You MUST include a copy of this License with every copy of the Open Game Content You Distribute. 11. Use of Contributor Credits: You may not market or advertise the Open Game Content using the name of any Contributor unless You have written permission from the Contributor to do so. 12. Inability to Comply: If it is impossible for You to comply with any of the terms of this License with respect to some or all of the Open Game Content due to statute, judicial order, or governmental regulation then You may not Use any Open Game Material so affected. 13. Termination: This License will terminate automatically if You fail to comply with all terms herein and fail to cure such breach within 30 days of becoming aware of the breach. All sublicenses shall survive the termination of this License. 14. Reformation: If any provision of this License is held to be unenforceable, such provision shall be reformed only to the extent necessary to make it enforceable. 15. COPYRIGHT NOTICE: Open Game License v 1.0 Copyright 2000, Wizards of the Coast, Inc.  Nuisances: Director’s Cut   copyright 2007 by Michael J. Varhola and Skirmisher Publishing LLC.

Skir misher P roduct List Skirmisher Product SKIRMISHER ELECTRONIC PRODUCTS Many of Skirmisher’s books and games are available in PDF format — some of them exclusively in this form — as download from various commercial sites, including DriveThruRPG (http://rpg.drivethrustuff.com/ index.php?manufacturers_id=2132), RPGNow (http://www.rpgnow.com/index.php?manufacturers_id=2132), Paizo, and YourGamesNow; a few are also available via email by request. This list is constantly growing, so be sure to check the download site of your choice to see what is currently available! Coupons for reduced-price and free versions of several of the for-sale books are available for subscribers to the Skirmisher Update  newsletter and registered members of the interactive Skirmisher Forum (http://www.skirmisher.com/forum). Prices and release dates are subject to change. d20 Products The Noble Wild  (d20 Fantasy Sourcebook); $17.99 Experts v.3.5  (d20 Fantasy Sourcebook); $12.99 Nuisances: Director’s Cut  (d20 Fantasy Sourcebook); $12.99 Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Mars: Shadows of a Dying World  (d20 Science Fiction Sourcebook); $11.99 Warriors (d20 Fantasy Sourcebook); $9.99 (April 2008) Tests of Skill v.3.5  (d20 Fantasy Sourcebook); $11.99 (May 2008) Generic Fantasy Products City Builder Volume 1: Communities  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $3.99 City Builder Volume 2: Craftsman Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 City Builder Volume 3: Entertainment Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 City Builder Volume 4: Professional Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (May 2008) City Builder Volume 5: Tradesman Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (June 2008) City Builder Volume 6: Mercantile Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (July 2008) City Builder Volume 7: Service Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (August 2008) City Builder Volume 8: Scholarly Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (September 2008) City Builder Volume 9: Religious Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (October 2008) City Builder Volume 10: Governmental Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (November 2008) City Builder Volume 11: Underworld Places  (Fantasy Sourcebook); $1.99 (December 2008) Other Products Products USSMC 7-22: Space Boarding Operations  (Futuristic Field Manual); $4.99 H.G. Wells’ Floor Games  (Miniatures Rules/Historic Reprint); $5.99 H.G. Wells’ Little Orc Wars  quick-play rules (Miniatures Rules); $2.99 A Brief History of Gnolls  (Quasi-Academic Essay); $2.99 (April 2008) Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition Products Edition Products House of Pain (CL3 Script); $4.99 Old Man of Damascus  (CL3 Script); $4.99 Green Fairy  (CL3 Script); $4.99 Sight Unseen (CL3 Script); $4.99 Email Fr eebies (Just send a request to [email protected] ) Freebies Skirmisher Update  (electronic quarterly newsletter containing news and free game content); FREE. PowerLunch TM  collectible trading business card game (CTBCG) (self-standing game); FREE. Noble Animal Spell Lists (The Noble Wild rules supplement); FREE.

Skir misher P roduct List Skirmisher Product SKIRMISHER ANALOG PRODUCTS All of Skirmisher’s print books and miniatures can be ordered directly from the company and anyone who does so will receive free shipping and information about various special offers, discounts, and giveaways. More information about all these products is available at http://www.skirmisher.com. To order any of these items with a check or money order, mail payment and this form to Skirmisher Publishing LLC, 9428 Park Hunt Court, Springfield, VA 22153. To order electronically, visit our eBay store or make a PayPal payment for the appropriate amount to  [email protected] (to which you can also write for more information). Please be sure to include full name, street address, city, state, zip code, and email address with all orders! d20 Products _____ Warriors (d20 Fantasy Sourcebook); $19.95 _____ Tests of Skill (d20 Sourcebook & Adventures); $19.95 _____ Experts v3.5  (d20 Sourcebook); $24.95 Nuisances OGL/d20 Products _____ Nuisances: Director’s Cut (OGL/d20 PDF Sourcebook on CD w. DVD case); $15.95. _____ Nuisances (OGL/d20 Sourcebook); $19.95 _____ Nuisances book and Nuisances: Director’s Cut PDF on CD; $24.95 _____ “Jester Dragon” miniature; $9.95 _____ “Spinnerette” miniature; $7.95 _____ “Loleda Schoolgirl” miniature; $4.95 _____ “Loleda Rogue” miniature; $4.95 _____ “Loleda Nude” miniature; $4.95 _____ “Decapussywhipper” miniature; $19.95 Self-Standing Books and and Games _____ USSMC FM 7-22: Space Boarding Operations  (Futuristic Field Manual); $9.95 _____ Control: The Game of Absolute Corruption (Conspiracy RPG); $9.95 H.G. W ells Game Reprints Wells _____ H.G. Wells’ Little Wars  (Miniatures Rules/Historic Reprint); $9.95 _____ H.G. Wells’ Floor Games  (Miniatures Rules/Historic Reprint); $11.95 _____ H.G. Wells’ Little Orc Wars  quick-play rules (Miniatures Rules); $2.95 Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition Products Edition Products _____ Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition (Cthulhu Mythos LARP Rules); $19.95 _____ Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition Companion CD-ROM (CL3 Supplement); $9.95 _____ Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition and Companion CD-ROM; $24.95 _____ The Old Man of Damascus  (Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition script/scenario in PDF format on CD); $4.95 _____ House of Pain (Cthulhu Live 3rd Edition script/scenario in PDF format on CD); $4.95 Miniatures All of the following miniatures are hand-painted and come with full d20 stats  and free miniatures rules. _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Champions (two miniatures); $7.95 _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Archers (three miniatures); $11.95 _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Berserkers (three miniatures); $11.95 _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Halberdiers (three miniatures); $11.95 _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Swordsmen (three miniatures); $11.95 _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Taskforce (eight miniatures); $31.95 _____ Orcs of the Triple Death: Orc Army (100 miniatures); $199.95