TA B L E O F C O N T E N T S
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INTRODUCTION TYLER WARD
LOVE STIMULATES LOVE GARY CHAPMAN
THE “15 SECOND KISS” EXPERIMENT RYAN FREDERICK
MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST A CHOICE DANNY SILK
7 SECRETS OF HAPPY MARRIAGES JENNA MCCARTHY
3 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED TYLER WARD
WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS? GARY THOMAS
LEARNING TO BE NAKED WITHOUT FEAR CHRISTA BLACK
MARRIAGE IS MADE FOR YOU WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG
FOREVER, A DAY AT A TIME CHANCE SCOGGINS
SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO JEFF GOINS
NEVER STOP EXPLORING JONATHAN JACKSON
DON’T BUY STUFF YOU DON’T NEED JOSHUA BECKER
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GO WITH THE THE FLOW CARLOS WHITAKER
SECRETS DON’T MAKE MARRIAGES BARRY AND LORI BYRNE
PRACTICE MAKES THE PASSION POSSIBLE DUSTIN RIECHMANN
THE PROMISE YOU CAN’T KEEP IN MARRIAGE JOHN MARK COMER
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO GET TO FOUR KAREN EHMAN
MOCK EACH OTHER AND 7 OTHER CREATIVE TIPS ON MARRIAGE
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JEREMY COWART 20
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DROPPING THE IF-BOMBS PAUL EDWARD RALPH
GOOD GIRLS LIKE SEX TOO SHELIA WRAY GREGOIRE
HOLD HANDS RYAN BOWER
MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON KRIS WOLFE
DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE THAT LOVES THE MOST NATE BAGLEY
WHEN THE MARITAL GRASS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE
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RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI 26
MARRIAGE DOESN’T HAPPEN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY JARED BLACK
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6 SHORT, SWEET & TWEETABLE PIECES OF ADVICE
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NEXT STEPS
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CREDITS
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INTRODUCTION
I was wonderfully undisturbed in my life as a bachelor. Then I met a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman with an authentic spirituality and an uncanny ability to light up a room. She was alluring. And after deciding I’d rather not live without her, I asked if I could put a ring on her finger—that is, I decided to officially invite another human to be in my personal space for the rest of my life. She consented. We married in a barn. It only took me a couple months to realize that I had no idea how to be married. The practice of marriage for us young people today is increasingly unnatural—and confusing. Sociologists say marriage is fundamentally broken. Historians say it’s outdated. Post-moderns, many of them, say it’s not even necessary. And tragically, statistics seem to say it’s not worth it. We all share a constant exposure to disappointment in marriage. It’s put on display every day—in the news, in celebrity relationships, in our parents’, friends’ or
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5 coworkers’ lives. Because of it, some of us wait to marry. Others of us run to marriage at the first chance we get with a revolutionary’s fist in the air. Yet, none of us truly know what this enigmatic relationship will ask of us. I began a larger conversation about marriage among Millennials over a year ago on several platforms online. From the feedback, its clear that most young people—myself included—have a learning curve early in marriage. Some of us may have had some help from parents or books. But we’ve all been raised in a time and culture that hand us counter-productive mentalities and misguided expectations that don’t exactly set us up well for true love. So. Perhaps that’s why we’re here—now—together. It’s a sort of collective recognition that: “Marriage is beautiful, but unnatural...worth it, but challenging. And I, like many, could use a little help in navigating.” I’ve written a book about my journey of dismantling these modern misconceptions, mentalities, and expectations I brought to marriage called Marriage Rebranded. In the process of writing it, I met some of the more amazing individuals who offered priceless insight into marriage. This eBook is an attempt to collect all their wisdom in one place. Over the past two years, I’ve reached out to these experts, counselors, best-selling authors, and/or relational veterans for one piece of marriage advice for young people today—be it practical or conceptual. And the level of insight and wisdom that has come pouring in has been overwhelming. If marriage is hard for you at the moment, I hope this eBook simply comforts you to know you’re not alone. If marriage is amazing and fruitful, may it help you sustain. If marriage is confusing, may it offer some insight on this unique union.
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TYLER WARD TYLER WARD’s articles on lifestyle, marriage, and religion—which have been enjoyed by millions—have led him to recently release his first book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person. Married with two kids, TYLER calls Nashville home. His day job involves helping early stage businesses launch, grow, and communicate online. world tylerwardis.com
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Marriage Rebranded will help you replace four modern misconceptions about marriage with more timeless perspectives enlightened by biblical, personal, and historical studies. ORDER NOW 6
L O V E S T I M U L AT E S L O V E GARY CHAPMAN
Love is a choice. We can request love, but we cannot demand love. We cannot make our spouse speak our love language. However, though we can’t control our spouse, we can control our attitude and our behavior. The good news is that love stimulates love. And though the object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love, it is a fact that when we receive love, we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires. Try this… Choose an attitude of love. Learn the love language of your spouse and speak it on a regular basis. Then, three months down the road, you can say to them,
‘On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming from me?’
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If they give you a seven, eight, nine, ten—you’re at the top. Or if they say anything less than ten, you say,
‘What can I do to bring it up to a ten or bring it up to a nine?’ They’ll probably give you a suggestion. To the best of your ability, you do that. Repeat this process every two weeks by simply asking your spouse what you can do to love them better, and taking their answer to heart. There’s a good chance that, before long, they’re going to say, ‘Well, wait a minute here. I’m turning this around. On a scale of zero to ten, how much love do you feel coming from me?’” Before you know it, they’ll be working to love you as well as you have loved them. And that is exactly how love stimulates love.
GARY CHAPMAN Dr. Gary Chapman’s expertise in marriage begins with the success and failures he and his wife Karolyn have experienced in their marriage for more than 45 years. He is just the man to turn to for help on improving or healing our most important relationships. His own life experiences, plus over thirty-five years of pastoring and marriage counseling, led him to publish his first book in the Love Language series, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Many of the millions of readers credit this continual New York Times bestseller with saving their marriages by showing them simple and practical ways to communicate love. world
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THE “15 SECOND KISS” EXPERIMENT R YA N F R E D E R I C K
A few weeks back, I met a gentleman at church named Tim. Tim and his wife had been married many years (I can’t remember exactly, but it was at least 30) and weathered many trials through their marriage (cancer included). Naturally I asked him what the secret was – as I usually do when I meet someone with an epic marriage. “How have they stuck together through everything?” He simply replied, “The 15 second kiss.” Intrigued, I asked, “What do you mean?“… though I suppose I could have figured it out. He responded, “Every day, my wife and I always give each other a 15 second kiss. It’s long enough that you can’t fake it – it forces us to connect.” I had never heard of purposefully timing a kiss. It was a novel idea I was anxious to try! Now, my wife Selena and I kiss plenty—but we realized that we don’t often kiss for more than a few seconds. I’m not exactly sure why, but I do know it wasn’t like that when we were dating. (We made out way too much and for too long when we were dating…)
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After my “sales pitch”, Selena and I agreed to try a few days with the “15 second kiss” rule. Here’s what we learned (or were reminded of )…
1. 15 SECONDS ISN’T THAT LONG… EXCEPT WHEN YOU’RE KISSING. We burn 15 seconds all the time without thinking about it. We sit on our phones, daydream, work around the house, you name it – 15 seconds is a short amount of time for most tasks. However, when you’re kissing and consciously timing it, 15 seconds seems to be longer. And that’s a good thing! At first we were both aware of the time because of the novelty of the exercise. It didn’t take long for us to simply get lost in the kiss. If other couples are like us, we get too busy to “get lost” doing anything. The 15 second kiss was a refreshing reminder that we can truly get lost in our affection for one another.
2. IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO KISS FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME AND NOT FEEL CLOSER. Kissing is intimate. We found that as we “got lost” in the kiss, we were getting lost together. And when we were lost together we truly found each other. (Oh, that sounds poetic…) Kissing makes us feel closer; and since we always want to feel closer it makes sense to make purposed kissing a daily part of our lives.
3. IT REFOCUSED US ON “WHO” WE ARE TO EACH OTHER. My wife is my best friend. When you’re “kissably-close” to your spouse, smelling their breath, feeling their skin, you remember who they are as a person. It’s easy to begin seeing your spouse as a roommate or casual partner, but kissing reminds us of the distinctly human qualities (good and bad) that we fell in love with in the first place. Kissing forces us to drown out distractions around us. We had to consciously tune everything else out and focus solely on each other – something we can all agree we need more of.
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4. KISSING IS A GATEWAY DRUG. Kissing contributes to overall friskiness. We are both… ahem… more “intimacy minded” after the 15 second kisses than we are before.
5. KISSING REFRESHES AND ENERGIZES US. Perhaps it’s just the friskiness, or maybe something else, but kissing is like an adrenaline shot. We both feel excited and energized after a 15 second kiss. Try for yourselves! Whether you and your spouse are constant kissers or even if you’ve forgotten what a french kiss is, I highly recommend giving this exercise a shot. Feel free to go longer than 15 seconds, but certainly don’t go shorter – at least not until you try it a few times. I’m confident it will have a positive impact on your relationship with your spouse.
RYAN FREDERICK Ryan & Selena Frederick have been married for nearly 11 years; they certainly don’t know everything about marriage but what they do know, they share with brutal transparency. Their blog, Fierce Marriage, is a resource for young couples looking to build a meaningful, lifelong marriage with Christ at the absolute center. world
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MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST A CHOICE DANNY SILK
It was June 16th, 1984—my wedding day. The main event had arrived at last. Sheri, my bride, faced me as we stood between Pastor Bill Johnson and our guests, ready to pledge lifelong devotion and love to one another. Moments before, Bill and his wife, Beni, had sung a beautiful duet, preparing a perfect atmosphere for the exchange of solemn vows. Then Bill turned to me and began to ask the old, weighty questions, leading me through the promises to be faithful through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part. Finally, Bill asked me, “Do you choose Sheri as your wife for as long as you shall live?” “I. Do.” Little did I know the significance of what I had just said. Like anyone else on his or her wedding day, I really had no idea what I was signing up for when I chose Sheri. Only as I journeyed through the first twelve years of our marriage, which challenged and invited me to hold to that choice again and again, in the most difficult of circumstances, would I come to understand that speaking these words had ushered me into the test of a lifetime. We echoed this language later in our wedding ceremony, when we exchanged rings. After I put the gold band on Sheri’s finger, Bill asked me to repeat a further set of vows.
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“My chosen, Sheri,” he began, “with this ring I commit my life to you…” “My chosen, Sheri.” To this day, I use this phrase to communicate my most intimate and devoted message to my wife. Every time she hears these three words, she lights up. It’s as though I have pumped fresh blood into the connection we established on that day nearly thirty years ago, easing her anxieties and administering a life-giving dose of comfort, affection, and security to her heart. These words remind her that I not only chose her on our wedding day, but that I also continued to choose her, even through the rough early years of our marriage. Yes, there were times in those years—too many times—when I wrestled with that choice and how to play it out. I even considered going back on that choice on a few occasions. But each time, I returned to the words I had spoken. I now know that I will always do so, no matter what. I’ve signed numerous notes and cards with “My chosen, Sheri” to remind her of that choice— and to remind myself as well. Those words may have ushered me into the test of a lifetime, but they also brought me through it. Holding to them is what taught me to keep on loving, even when everything in me wanted to quit. Marriage isn’t just a choice. It’s choosing the same person a million times.
DANNY SILK Danny Silk serves on the Senior Leadership Team of both Bethel Church in Redding, CA and Jesus Culture in Sacramento, CA. He is the President and Co-Founder of Loving on Purpose a ministry to families and communities worldwide. Danny is also the author of four books: Culture of Honor, Loving our Kids on Purpose, Powerful and Free and the top selling Keep Your Love On. Danny and Sheri married in 1984, and have three children and three grandchildren.
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7 SECRETS OF HAPPY MARRIAGES JENNA MCCARTHY
I have a remarkably happy marriage and people ask me all the time what our “secret” is. (Not as often as they ask me about autism, vaccines and Jim Carrey, so let’s get something straight before we go any further: I. Am. Not. Her.) I used to wonder if our spousal success had something to do with pheromones or astrology or compatible blood types, but after fourteen years of marital mostly-bliss, I am convinced the key is some combination of kindness, respect and my ability to read a road map upside down; perhaps divided by my husband’s ability to tune out my nagging. Okay, fine. We got lucky. But seriously, there are researchers who spend their entire lives trying to figure out why one out of every two marriages ends with the division of assets, and because I write books on the subject, I follow their studies closely. It turns out, the couples who make it all the way to side-by-side cemetery plots share a few similarities beyond “they don’t have sex with other people” (although that’s certainly a solid start).
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Based on a totally arbitrary review of the available research, I have outlined seven of my favorite, scientifically proven* secrets of happily married couples, in no particular order:
1. THE WIFE IS THINNER AND BETTER LOOKING THAN THE HUSBAND. At first this makes no sense at all. What’s so blissful about being married to someone who is relatively fat and ugly? But think about it: ONE of you has to be thinner and better looking, and women tend to care a great deal about both of these things. Men, on the other hand, tend to care a great deal about having sex, ideally with women who are thinner and better looking than they are. So really, it’s a win-win.
2. HAPPY HUSBANDS AND WIVES DON’T WATCH CHICK FLICKS. Seems that after sitting through Sleepless in Seattle (or any other rom-com), relationship dissatisfaction tends to skyrocket. This isn’t all that surprising. After all, when you realize it (whatever “it” is) could happen to you, but it hasn’t, and probably never will, and that fat man never sprinkled rose petals on your bed, dangit—of course you’re disenchanted. Conversely, if you watch a nice horror flick together instead, presumably you’ll walk away just feeling lucky your partner isn’t a psycho axe-murderer or possessed by demons. (I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it was a man who pioneered this research.)
3. SHE NEVER WINS A BEST-ACTRESS OSCAR. If watching movies is bad, successfully starring in them is even worse. Women who win this prestigious award are far more likely to divorce than those who don’t. They actually call it the “Oscar curse.” One theory is that some men can’t handle their wives’ success and fame; another camp believes that getting that little gold statue gives women the confidence to leave already-bad marriages. I’m not about to hypothesize about causation here; I only included this one because unlike getting hotter or having your jaw wired shut or forsaking your favorite movie genre for the rest of ever, not winning a best actress Oscar is pretty painless and doable. Personally, I am going to make this a priority in my marriage.
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4. HE DOES MORE CHORES THAN SHE DOES, AND SHE TALKS LESS THAN HE DOES. Women are universally better about housework, so obviously the more often he mops/ sweeps/dusts, the more content she is. (See “happy wife, happy life,” in your dictionary). And I have to admit, if you asked my husband the top three things I could do to make him happier, “shut the hell up for five lousy minutes” would probably be on the list. So there’s that.
5. HAPPY COUPLES FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES. There are, after all, dozens of ways of looking at virtually any situation. Your husband lost his job? Now he finally has time to install that damn ceiling fan you bought three years ago. When he gains a few pounds, instead of pointing out his growing gut or suggesting he go for a run, there’s always this option: “Wow, honey, thanks for going out of your way to make me relatively thinner.” If you really try, you can put a positive spin on just about anything.
6. THEY LIMIT THEIR BOOZE CONSUMPTION. Marital unhappiness seems to be directly related to a couple’s collective alcohol intake. On the other hand, like I mentioned, my husband and I are almost ridiculously happy so you probably shouldn’t believe everything you read.
7. HAPPY MATES DRIVE A CAR WHOSE WINDOWS DON’T ROLL DOWN. I haven’t technically seen a study on this, but every couple I know fights about this pretty much every single time they ride in a vehicle together: She wants the windows up and he gets all pissed off and accuses her of being more concerned about her hair than his precious need for fresh, outside air in his face; and then whoever is driving locks the windows in their preferred position and they sit in stony silence for the rest of the drive (and possibly several days afterward). I think I’m onto something here. So there you have it.
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I suggest couples start slowly and don’t try to master all seven secrets at once. For instance, if she takes a vow of silence or stops doing housework altogether in an effort to tilt his portion of the ratio toward more, she’ll have a lot of extra time on her hands which she may want to spend drinking alcohol or watching romantic comedies. Remember, there’s no rush here. Till death do us part is a really long time. *I may have butchered the language a bit in some cases but the facts are mostly accurate.
JENNA MCCARTHY Jenna McCarthy is a TED speaker, former radio personality and the author of several books including If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living with and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. (Please note that it says the blah-blah-blah man you married, not the one she married. Her husband likes it when she points that out). You can find out more about Jenna and see her in the bathtub by visiting her website. world
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3 THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I GOT MARRIED T Y L E R WA R D
I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married. Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed. This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life. This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world. However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all. According to most research, up to 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture alludes to the fact that adultery and abuse may be reasons individuals might end a marriage, I’d be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of
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unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage. The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.
1. MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her. I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more. The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she’s looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife. Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human. I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow. When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.
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2. THE MORE YOU GIVE TO MARRIAGE, THE MORE IT GIVES BACK. Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit. It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years. However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn’t hurt. For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life. To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back. Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me. Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.
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3. MARRIAGE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD. John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a molecular biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father?” Medina’s answer alludes to a surprising truth. In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son’s behavior. What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage. Re-enter John Medina, the Christian biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”? “Go home and love your wife.” Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”
The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.
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So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband. *This article was originally published on RelevantMagazine.com & has been transposed into a larger book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
TYLER WARD TYLER WARD’s articles on lifestyle, marriage, and religion—which have been enjoyed by millions—have led him to recently release his first book, Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person. Married with two kids, TYLER calls Nashville home. His day job involves helping early stage businesses launch, grow, and communicate online. world tylerwardis.com
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WHO NEEDS HANDCUFFS? How to REALLY spice things up in the bedroom GARY THOMAS
“Talk about world domination!” My wife was in a busy season, so I purposefully planned an evening I knew she would enjoy—dinner at a Jazz Club, followed by an evening of romance. I intentionally let the sexual energy smolder throughout the day. Well before dinnertime, Lisa finally suggested, “Why don’t we just get on with it, already?” but I simply smiled at her and thought, “Not a chance.” On the way to the club, I filled up her gas tank because I know Lisa hates to fill up her gas tank and she was going to be driving the next day. That may not sound so sexually enticing, but it’s not up to us men to determine what constitutes foreplay. Trust me, men—something like that can do wonders; it builds the mood. It makes your wife think, “He’s taking care of me.” A spiritually healthy wife who feels taken care of is supernaturally predisposed to take care of you. The “dinner” (iceberg lettuce masquerading as a salad, poorly cooked chicken covered with gravy, instant mashed potatoes) was a bit of a disaster given Lisa’s organic bent,
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but she loved the music and atmosphere. At one point, we were the only white people in the club. My small touches during the dinner were deliberate, but nothing scandalous. If someone from our church had been sitting right behind us, they wouldn’t have even noticed, but I’ve been married to Lisa for 29 years and pretty much know how, even in public, I can slowly bring her to a boiling point with slight caresses that no one watching could possibly take offense to or even notice. A simple touch in just the right place, a slight moving of her hair can bring to mind past memories and a future promise packed with impending pleasure. When we got home, I knew what I was going to do, and I did it. It wasn’t anything grand, just intentional and thoughtful, and it showed a little preparation. Within minutes Lisa was lying back saying, “Talk about world domination!” What she meant was “You have conquered me. Do what you will.” The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has been discussed by more Christian bloggers than could be counted, but my thoughts are a little simpler: Men, if you need handcuffs and ropes to make your wife feel the enticement of full surrender, you’re probably doing it wrong. Try studying her, getting to know her moods and total body—not just three parts that we typically focus on, but everything. Try kindness, on a daily basis. Try spiritual connection—make sure she knows she’s supported in prayer. Try years of giving pleasure unselfishly so that she knows, once everything gets started, she’s going to be carried away by your touches, not used by your demands.
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Try taking care of her kids, and taking care of her. Try thinking about how you’re going to exceed her expectations. If you study your wife and then apply all this, you’ll come to a place when you never need handcuffs—what you’ve got is much stronger, more exciting and more fulfilling. My wife’s take is that women would be less inclined to read about sex with an imaginary billionaire if they were fully enjoying real sex with a thoughtful husband. She’s not saying if your wife is reading Fifty Shades that you’re a poor lover—just that it might be a symptom that things have started to slide in the bedroom. “I don’t think most women want pain or the kind of sex described in those books,” Lisa told me. “I just think they want something a little more creative than what they’re getting.” Beware of short-term cheap substitutes that are never as satisfying. A guy can’t get his wife excited, so he looks at porn to watch some other guy get a woman excited. A man can’t get his wife to the place of appropriate surrender, so he resorts to silly things like handcuffs and ropes and not-so-silly things like pain to bring a little “spice” into the bedroom. I’m not into constructing lists of “do’s and don’ts.” I don’t want to marginalize something that you and your wife have truly enjoyed, so please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m just saying that long-term sexual satisfaction in marriage has to go well beyond gimmicks. If you want to use a gimmick now and then, fine—it’s your marriage. But if you think something like that is going to sustain you through the years, you’re fooling yourself. For long-term satisfaction, study your wife, not just a few parts of her body. Build years of trust with kind touching and generous pleasuring. Let her know that if she
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lets herself go in your hands, you’ll make her momentarily forget everything bad going on in her life and feel everything good. If you can’t get her excited in public, fully clothed, if you need to get her “naked and handcuffed” to feel like things are getting hot, you probably don’t know her well enough yet. And guys, it’s perfectly holy and God-honoring to think about how to sexually please and thrill your wife. It’s far better to fantasize about ways to take your wife to a new place of pleasure than to spend one second fantasizing about any other woman.
GARY THOMAS Gary Thomas’ writing and speaking focuses on bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others. He holds a Master’s degree in Systematic Theology from Regent College and an honorary Doctor of Divinity from Western Seminary. As the author of over 15 books, including the best-seller Sacred Marriage, Gary serves as writer in residence at Second Baptist Church, Houston, and as an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon. His most recent book is “The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not About Who You Marry, but Why?” Gary and his wife Lisa have been married for 30 years and have three children. world garythomas.com
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LEARNING TO BE NAKED WITHOUT FEAR The first step towards true intimacy C H R I S TA B L A C K
As my husband Lucas turned up the volume on our television that particular day in August 2007, his efforts to drown out the lawn mower next door did little to drown out the worried thoughts screaming inside my head. For years, I’d been a touring musician, traveling the world and playing with all sorts of artists—the most recent being Christian music legend Michael W. Smith. In an attempt to be a newlywed who wasn’t leaving on a tour bus every few days, we made the decision that I’d quit traveling to enjoy this new marriage situation. But with neither of us bringing in steady income, our choice also left us enjoying an old upstairs apartment with low ceilings, a collection of donated furniture, bright pink carpet that reeked of cigarette smoke, stacks of unpaid bills, and a kitchen stocked with packets of Ramen Noodles. That day in August as I cuddled up to my fabulous—but very broke—new husband on our second-hand couch, the strength of his arms around me wasn’t making the anxiety of our present financial situation go away. Before I was even conscious of the downward spiral, questions about our unknown future had poisoned my heart like a plague. I found myself drowning inside very real, very crippling fear. What if we can’t pay rent this month? What if our only car goes on the brink?
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What if our cell phones get shut off ? What if I don’t start touring again. Will we be able to eat this month? “Babe,” I said with an attempted smile, “I’m just going to run to the bathroom for a minute.” I lifted his arm off of my shoulder and acted like I was headed back to the loo, then made a quick detour into our little kitchen. I’ve had years of practice at sneaking food to medicate the pain inside my heart. So it was with great expertise I quietly opened the fridge and began my usual routine, devouring anything and everything I could find. We didn’t have much in stock, but whatever we had, I was going to destroy as fast as I could. Then I would return to his unsuspecting arms, acting as if nothing had ever happened. When Lucas married me, he knew I had struggled with an eating disorder in the past. He knew I’d been admitted to inpatient treatment with years of counseling under my belt. He even knew that, when the pain of life became uncontrollable, sometimes food was the one thing I still attempted to control. Every once in a blue moon, I’d finally let him in and confess a bingeing episode, long after the binge was over with. But most times, I was far too embarrassed about my food addiction to fully disclose all the ugly details. So there I was, shoving an oversized bite of leftovers into my mouth—noodles still hanging out and dripping down my chin—when I froze suddenly. Someone was behind me. Someone was watching me. Someone was seeing my shame—was seeing the one thing that made me completely unlovable, or so I believed. I turned around slowly, dreading the look of disgust I was sure to see, the judgment, the fury of hatred—the same hatred I had for myself. But far from condemnation, this new husband of mine had something on his face I never expected to see. He was grinning ear to ear. Pulling himself up backwards onto the counter and popping open a bag of chips, he looked into my eyes with the same love I’d seen on the day we made our vows to one another. He looked at this bingeing wife with the same affection he had when he looked at his spotless bride dressed in white.
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“Baby,” he said quietly. “If you need to binge, I’m going to binge with you. I don’t want you do it alone anymore.” Something powerful happened to us in that moment: two became one. Marriage gives two people the difficult but incredible opportunity to be completely naked in front of each other—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The problem is, most of us have parts of our lives we’re terrified of anyone seeing. But if full exposure isn’t allowed, if we’re not able to reveal everything about ourselves (good, bad and ugly) within the covenant of marriage, true intimacy can never happen. Intimacy means “in-to-me-see”—see everything, and love me anyway. When I first got married to my husband, I truly believed certain parts of my life made me unlovable. I believed that if he saw everything, he would hate me as much as I hated myself. But marriage isn’t about perfect people finding a perfect mate. It’s about two imperfect souls coming together as one, making a covenant to stick around when the ugly parts get exposed, and then loving each other with grace and understanding while helping each other walk into wholeness. Just like Lucas did that day when he caught me bingeing. You see, something healed inside my heart in August 2007 when I was forced to be naked in front of my husband, exposing the shame of my addiction. Instead of being rejected, as I had feared—instead of being yelled at, judged or condemned—he had done the exact opposite. He looked at me inside of my dirty pigpen, sat down, kissed my shameful wounds, and committed to walk beside me—no matter the outcome. His love that day wasn’t laced with an agenda for me to change—but the amazing thing about love is, it ends up changing everything anyway. In the days and months that followed, our financial situation didn’t improve much. But when the anxiety began to rise up like a monster, I had a new place to run—I could run into the arms of love. When insecurities and fears would surface and expose even more
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ugly behaviors, I knew I had a man who had made a covenant to love me—all of me—no matter how messy it got. Within that covenant, I was finally safe to let my walls down and be seen. As he saw, he loved. As he loved, I changed. As I changed, we were both set free. For the rest of our lives, Lucas and I have the great privilege of subjecting ourselves to vulnerability—even as all sorts of behaviors, fears, and insecurities are revealed. We’ve put all our secrets on the table, knowing that intimacy can only happen when everything is in the light. We’ve wrapped ourselves in the unending circle of a covenant, committing to love the good along with the bad. And now, the nakedness I once feared continues to expose my heart to the safe harbor of healing love.
CHRISTA BLACK Christa Black is a popular blogger, speaker, multi-platinum selling songwriter, and author of God Loves Ugly. She had her first number 1 hit as a songwriter when Passion’s version of One Thing Remains topped the charts in both 2012 and 2013. She has also toured as a musician with The Jonas Brothers, Michael W. Smith, and Jordin Sparks, was a keynote speaker on Women of Faith’s Revolve Tour, and her blogs have been featured on Best Of Huffington Post. world
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M A R R I AG E I S M A D E F O R YO U Why there is no one-size-fits-all approach to marriage. W I L L I A M PA U L Y O U N G
Matrix – Urban Dictionary – “A computer-generated dream world built to keep us under control in order to change a human-being into a battery.” I confess I am one of those ‘religious folk’ who grew up reading the Scriptures more to resolve my internal guilty-conscience than to learn or hear anything. For some of us, years of absence from the legalism of ‘quiet time’ has allowed our give-a-damns time to heal and awaken desires for exploration emerging from the inside. Interactions with voices of intelligent kindness and compelling authenticity—outside our own experience and traditions—blew fresh breath into the smoke of our confusion and disdain. They fanned embers of careful curiosity into Cheshire-grin acknowledgement that we had missed something ‘good.’ Turns out we are in a relationship with a God who by nature submits. And somewhere near the center of God’s relentless affection for you and me is submission to the brokenness in our hearts, souls, and minds. This is not a selfless submission on his part, but a self-giving. His submission is respectful of both the wonder of this high-order creation that is a human being, and of their capacity for self-deception and lie-enshrouded power to devastate. Ask any parent who has even a modicum of health about their love for their child and you will be told that this love is unconditional, dependent on, and originating in the one
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loving. However, relationship—the mystery of how this love is expressed—is not unconditional, nor would we ever want it to be. When a person dies, while it may not affect your love for them, I guarantee it will affect your relationship with them. By its very nature, a real relationship creates a space of interaction in which knowing the ‘other’ and their choices, character, and circumstance actually matters. Relationship, by its nature, means the other can say ‘no’, or believe a lie, or be involved in accidents, or struggle with illness or addiction, or kiss you, or refuse to talk, or hide secrets, or leave you a note or express kindness, or forgive, or put up and take down walls. But we human beings generally are a fearful lot, embedding our drive for certainty in expressions of power rather than in the risk of trust and relationship. We create (dream up) institutional systems and organizations of hierarchical power—be they religious, social, ideological, political, educational, financial etc—in order to extend our desperate need to control. Sadly, as these systems evolve, they often use human beings as batteries. We created the Matrix and without the empowering presence of human beings, any Matrix has less life than a rock. Even with the best of intentions, the Matrix is still the Matrix. We have populated the entire planet with them—including the Sabbath. One day, a group of Matrix guardians arranged a little meeting with Jesus, ostensibly to air specific grievances they were having with the motley crew of undisciplined and uneducated disciples following Jesus. Seems this rag-tag gang of malcontents weren’t very good at keeping the rules that had long been part of the Sabbath Matrix. The religious systems forming around Sacred Scriptures had effectively reduced the Word of God to a set of defensible propositions—in this particular instance revolving around the very holy subject of the day of God’s rest. The Sabbath Matrix had been developed over centuries and had become increasingly complex—complete with roles, expectations and duties, and provided a significant element of job-security for the experts. Keep in mind that Jesus is God comfortable inside his own skin. And Jesus cares as much for these ‘protectors of the Holy’ as he does for all those who have been turned into batteries. So, with a twinkle in his eye, and in one sentence, he dismantles the entire cosmos as
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we have known it and reveals that the matrix’s we have built are fundamentally a lie. “The Human Being was not made for (to serve) the Sabbath, the Sabbath was made for (to serve) the Human Being!” Did you see it, or did you only feel it? Everything changed in this moment. The Human Being was not made for (to serve) the Matrix; any Matrix is made for (to serve) the Human Being. The Human Being was not made for (to serve the Matrix of…) Marriage, Marriage was made for (to serve) the Human Being. There are many who try to hand us a one-size-fits all approach to this very unique relationship with a spouse. After all, we are well adept at creating matrixs—and the rules of engagement for each. However. Marriage—as a matrix—exists to serve you and your spouse. And for it to serve you well, it’s best practices and proposed mindsets must be authentic expressions of who you uniquely are—and they must change as you change.
WILLIAM PAUL YOUNG William Paul Young is the author of “The Shack.” Selling over 18 million copies, this first project of his has led him to writing “Crossroads.”
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F O R E V E R , A D AY AT A T I M E The trick to building a sustainable marriage. CHANCE SCOGGINS
Apart from my parents, no one in my life has demonstrated to me the best of what love and marriage can be more than our friends, Mike and Nancy. In a hundred ways, they’ve given Jennifer and me something to reach for. So I took it seriously when Mike sat me down one night and said, “Chance, you’re changing and you’re about to screw up the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” Jennifer and I were dating. I had my eyes on a ring and was dreaming of how I might ask her to marry me. But I also happened to have several friends at the time who were not only divorcing—they were ripping each other to shreds in the process. These were people I knew well and loved deeply. I’d even stood in a couple of their weddings. I thought their marriages would last forever; we all did. But now they were making an enemy of the one they promised to love most. It was hard to watch, and it took a big toll on me. As a result, I began pulling away from Jennifer – guarding my heart, putting up a barrier between us, trying to protect myself and living out of a fear born of someone else’s mistakes.
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Mike knew me well enough he could tell what was going on. One day, he grabbed me by the shoe that was propped over one of my legs as he passed my chair, smiled and said, “Those are some cold feet you’ve got there. What’s going on with you? Tell me what you’re afraid of.” I knew I was about to get some answers, so I was honest with him. I unloaded all of my doubts and at the end, I asked him, “How can I be sure we’ll last forever?” His response surprised me. He said, “You can’t. You can only be sure it’s going to last forever... a day at a time. You make it to forever, bit by bit.” I’ll admit. It was a good answer—but not good enough. “Okay, but how can I trust that who she is today is who she’ll be down the road? How do I know she won’t destroy my heart someday…or that I won’t destroy hers?” “That’s the wrong question, Chance. That question will keep you from ever fully trusting or committing, in or out of marriage. You should be asking, can I trust her heart today? Can she trust mine today? Then, do what it takes to be able to answer yes. You ask today, and again tomorrow and the day after that… That’s how you get to forever.” All of that seemed good and true, but it still wasn’t enough for me. I desperately wanted some sort of guarantee I couldn’t get. The next words out of Mike’s mouth have become a compass for me. They’re simple, so don’t miss the gift they carry. He said, “Chance, you want a guarantee? I’ll guarantee you this. 100% of the time that marriages get in trouble, it starts with people saying to themselves: ‘My needs aren’t being met. She’s overlooking me. He’s not doing enough. I deserve better.’ Once you start looking at things in terms of what you are or aren’t getting, you’re on a dangerous road.”
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Even considering the words as I write them makes my heart beat a little faster. Something in me wants to argue the point, and something else tells me it’s true. “You wanna know why Nancy and I have something few people have?” he asked. “Here’s our secret. Every day I wake up and I ask myself, ‘How can I serve her today? What does she need? What can I do to make her life better?’ Something always comes to mind, and I do it.” “That can’t be true, Mike” I argued. “You don’t actually do that every day, do you? Wouldn’t that just make you a servant or a door mat?” “I absolutely do. And you’re right, it could make me a doormat…if I were the only one asking the question. But the thing is, she does the same thing. She wakes up and asks herself, ‘How can I serve him today? What does he need? What can I do to make his life better?’ Something comes to mind and she does it.” “Everyday?” “Every single day, for more than 30 amazing years with the love of my life. Both of us are adored and our needs are being met, but neither of us is focused on getting what we want or deserve. There’s no need to fight for it if someone else is fighting the battle for you. And neither of us keeps a list of all the ways the other has dropped the ball. As long as you’re focused on what you’re owed, you’re not focused enough on what you’re there to give.” It took me a few days to get beyond the surface of his words, but as I did, my trust in Jennifer grew. My trust in myself grew. And maybe for the first time, I began to understand the difference between a good marriage and a great one. I wish I could say that I get this right all the time. The truth is I still consider it a good day when I put Jennifer’s needs ahead of my own. I privately pat myself on the back for being so thoughtful. I have so far to go. But I won’t stop working on it.
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She’s worth it. We’re worth it. Married, single, among friends or with our families, what if we let each other off the hook and started fresh—this time considering each other as more important than ourselves? What if each of us woke up tomorrow asking what we could do for those we love the most? What if we fought to see each others’ needs met instead of our own? What would life look like if we abandoned the thought that we are owed something or deserve something better? What if we made it our mission to make something better of the beautiful thing we have? Those are some of the questions that create our happily ever after. Those are the questions that get us to forever… one day at a time.
CHANCE SCOGGINS Chance Scoggins writes and speaks about living a brave, authentic, intentional life. His vulnerable storytelling, encouraging heart and unique insight into our common hopes and fears have earned him over 2 million readers and are quickly making him a sought-after speaker in both community and corporate settings alike. world chancescoggins.com
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S O M E T H I N G TO LO O K F O R WA R D TO The Secret to Having a Marriage that Never Goes Stale JEFF GOINS
After a recent life-changing trip to Italy, I called my best friend to—well, let’s just be honest, I called to brag. We had traveled together during college, and I wanted to relive some of those memories with him, while sharing my latest experiences in Europe. After finishing telling him about the trip, he said the saddest thing I had heard in a long time. “That sounds awesome,” he sighed. “I’d love to do something like that... in ten years.” “What?!” I said. “Ten *years*? Dude, are you kidding me?” He went on to say a trip like that just wasn’t realistic. Not for him. Not now. It wasn’t financially feasible and not something he and his wife had time for. What’s more, they were expecting their second child and were spending most of their energy preparing for that transition. I asked him when was the last time they had gone a vacation, just the two of them. “Oh, I dunno... probably a few years.” “A few years?!”
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I had had enough. “Do you remember what you told me right before I got married?” Months before I got married, my friend gave me some important advice, something he had heard from a premarital counselor, I think. They were seven sage words that I will never forget—the secret, I’ve found, to a happy marriage: Always have something to look forward to. That’s it. That’s the secret. It sounds so simple and yet it can be the hardest part of a lifelong commitment. Here are two reasons why it works. First, it breaks the monotony. Marriage begins with excitement, but as with any emotional high, it has its boring moments. Times when you wake up next to the love of your life and the morning breath gets the best of you. You may have vowed to experience the adventure of life together, but don’t be surprised when your story has a little taste of the mundane. That’s called life. However, this commitment can easily turn into begrudged obligation if you don’t have something disrupt the ordinary ongoings of matrimony. Second, it gives you and your spouse a common goal. When you have something that requires both of you to plan, you remember this is a partnership—something you agreed to do together. And when you might otherwise be distracted by your own weekly activities and forget to spend quality time together, this shared project can unite you. It’s something to talk about over dinner, something to text each other about in the middle of the day. A common goal, something to anticipate, can bring you together in ways that the daily grind won’t.
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So what should you look forward to? It could be anything, really: a vacation, home improvement project, even an upcoming move. As long as it’s something you both enjoy doing, it qualifies and should do the trick of breaking up the monotony and bringing you two together. That’s why I had to remind my friend of the best advice he’d given me, advice I had taken to heart since marrying my wife six years before. And it has saved my marriage a few times. A few months afterwards, not altogether surprisingly, my friend called me. He wanted to tell me about a recent trip he and his wife took to an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic. “Man, thanks for talking me into that. I’ve never seen my wife so relaxed. It was just what we needed before starting a new job and having baby number two.” My friend thanked me, but really I needed to thank him. We all need little things to look forward to in life—small interruptions to our normal flow. Not because we have to escape from our lives, but so we can appreciate them. Because without the gift of looking forward, even the most wonderful relationships can grow stale.
JEFF GOINS Jeff Goins is the author of several books, a speaker, creative coach, and consultant and has written and guest-blogged for over 100 magazines, publications, and blogs. world
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NEVER STOP EXPLORING You Will Never Fully Know Your Spouse J O N AT H A N J A C K S O N
Every human is created in the image of God. We see throughout Scripture how the mystery of God is within each one of us—and yet sometimes we get stuck in the rut of thinking we can fully know someone, fully understand them, within just a few months or years. Sometimes we get stuck in a “destination” mentality—both in life and in marriage.
Over the centuries, and particularly after the Great Schism in 1054, Western Christianity became more and more scholastic in nature, which is to say it became focused on literacy and education. This included, of course, embracing a systematic theology and rationalism and slowly developing away from what many call ‘the mystery of faith.’ The Orthodox Church maintained this element of faith—the mysterious part—known as Apophatic theology. This essentially includes an understanding that man cannot ever fully know God—especially not through rationalism or abstract study alone. But by humbly professing what we cannot know about God, we place our human hearts in an atmosphere capable of encountering God experientially, as opposed to intellectually or theoretically. In essence, this theology says man and woman will spend eternity growing closer to God, but never exhausting the mystery. So what does this belief have to do with marriage? Plenty.
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First of all, Orthodox thought supports the idea that the fullness of another person’s identity is a secret between them and God. This means that no matter how close I get to someone—I will still only ‘see through a glass, darkly’ [1 Corinthians 13:12 kjv]. In the book of Revelation we read that Christ will give each person a white stone with a secret name written on it, which only the recipient and God can know. This reveals the intimacy each person possesses with God. It is an intimacy that someone on the outside can only partially know. It also reveals how difficult it would be—if not impossible—to fully know someone else. When it comes to marriage, we often think we should “know” our spouse when we get married. But who truly knows the heart of a man? This is not a journey we can take in a single day. Secondly, this theology acts as a reminder that, in order for marriage to truly reflect the kingdom of heaven, it must be infused with mystery. Salvation, in Orthodox theology, is a similiar kind of mystery. It is an ongoing participation in the divine nature. We do not arrive—we continue. Even if you don’t subscribe to the Orthodox faith, you can see this sense of faith as continuous growth in the concept of sanctification—in the sense that we are continuously invited to grow deeper and deeper with God. In the same way, becoming one in marriage is an ongoing journey marked by one of the strongest ingredients of an eternal romance— mystery.” This plays out in my marriage in a few practical ways. Mostly, it keeps romance alive and my pride in check. When I begin to think I’ve got her pegged and I can predict her answers or thought process, I step back and remember the mystery of this woman. Her life is hidden in Christ and even though we are becoming one, there is an inexhaustible mystery to her being. Also, people are constantly changing and growing. Rather than fearing this, the Orthodox Church teaches us to embrace growth and transfor-
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mation. This helps me embrace the mystery of myself as well. Only God fully knows me. Repentance means I am letting go of my illusions about myself—and embracing the image and likeness of Christ within me. It helps me receive grace for myself, which in turn helps me give grace to my beautiful wife. I hope this makes marriage sound inexhaustibly exciting. I hope it makes it sound like a long, beautiful process of learning each other, becoming one, and cultivating true love. I hope it helps you keep any stagnation or monotony from creeping into your marriage. Whether we’re four years in or twenty, or haven’t started yet at all, let’s remind ourselves: love is not a place we arrive. Marriage is not a thing we achieve and then spend the rest of our lives maintaining. Love is a journey marked by mystery and the continual intention to learn one another. And if you ask me, that’s what makes it such an adventure. *This is an excerpt from an interview featured in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Miscon-
ceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
JONATHAN JACKSON Jonathan Jackson is a five-time Emmy Award winning actor who can currently be seen on the ABC primetime drama ‘Nashville’. Jonathan plays Avery Barkley, an up and coming singer-songwriter trying to make it in Music City. Along with acting, since 2004 Jonathan has also been the lead singer, guitar player, and songwriter for the rock band Jonathan Jackson + Enation, which CDBaby calls ‘One of indie’s premier rock bands’. world
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D O N ’ T B U Y ST U F F YO U D O N ’ T N E E D How Living With Less Made Our Marriage More JOSHUA BECKER
Six years ago, we decided to embrace minimalist living. At first, the reasons were simple: we were spending too much time caring for possessions and we were wasting too much money on stuff we didn’t need. These possessions were not bringing joy or lasting happiness. Even worse, they were keeping us from the very things that did. But what we didn’t realize at the time was that this decision would drastically alter our marriage. Possessions had become the Great Distraction in our lives. And the simplest way to recenter ourselves on the things that mattered most was to remove the excess from our home and lives. We embarked upon a journey to sell, donate, recycle, and remove as many of our nonessential possessions as possible. It was one of the most life-giving decisions we have ever made—the benefits have been practical and soul-enriching. And we would recommend it to anyone. Owning fewer possessions means less cleaning, less organizing, less repairing, and less financial burden. It brings freedom, clarity, and opportunity. Intentionally owning less frees time, energy, and space—resources that could be spent pursuing our greatest
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passions. Our lives and marriages require space to be lived and experienced to the fullest. But in a world of ever-increasing speed, time for reflection and investment in the things that matter becomes more and more difficult to discover. Our world is built on consumerist pursuits—and rejecting those tendencies requires great intentionality from each of us. Hans Hofmann, the legendary painter once said it like this, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” Often times, our marriages follow the same unfortunate trajectory. At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important essential building blocks of a healthy marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, less important things begin to accumulate and distract us from the very keys to a successful marriage—many of which have been clearly articulated in this book. As a result, we start to worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. We spend more time taking care of the car in our garage than the other person in our bedroom. And the maintenance of our physical possessions dominates our evenings and weekends, when the maintenance of our relationship should be taking precedent. Nonessential possessions begin to accumulate and demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for the very elements that make our marriages work. Those who experience a fulfilled marriage from beginning to end intentionally limit selfish distractions and accumulation. They realize a nice home, fast car, or bloated retirement account may appear nice to have, but in the end, do not make a successful marriage. And if not kept in proper perspective, they actually begin to distract us from it. If interested in limiting the burden of excessive possessions in your family, you may consider these seven intentional, countercultural decisions:
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1) CHOOSE A HOME BASED ON NEED, NOT OPPORTUNITY. Sit down and determine what specific requirements your home will need to meet: size, location, length of stay, sometimes occupation. When you begin house-hunting, focus on them solely. Do not choose a home based on a pre-approved loan amount or even income. Choose based on personal need instead. 2) NEVER CARRY A CAR PAYMENT. Almost every person I know who is falling behind in their finances carries a car loan and payment. Don’t do it—ever. Buy the most reliable car you can afford with your cash savings and immediately begin setting aside money for your next one. And even if you can afford a luxury car, remember you can do more good by simply buying a reliable one. 3) PURCHASE TECHNOLOGY BASED ON THE PROBLEM IT SOLVES. Technology advances at a dizzying pace. Keeping up can become an all-consuming, savings-draining pursuit. To counter its allure, remember the purpose of technology is to make our lives easier by solving problems. Before purchasing any new technology billed as the latest and greatest, ask yourself this question: “What existing problem does it solve?” If a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them. 4) LIVE ON ONE INCOME—EVEN IF YOU EARN TWO. One of the most valuable pieces of financial advice we ever received came early in our marriage when both my wife and I were working. Our pastor encouraged us to live entirely on my income and save every penny my wife earned. We did just that. Her earnings became our first down payment on a home. But more importantly, it prevented lifestyle creep from setting in. And when our first child was born, becoming a one-income family was an easy transition. 5) PUT THE SPENDER IN CHARGE OF FAMILY FINANCES. While this may or may not suit your family’s unique dynamics, it has been entirely helpful for ours. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Banking and Finance. My first job out of college was Accounting. I understand budgets, spreadsheets, assets, and liabilities. But my wife is a bigger spender than me. And one of the most helpful actions we took as a family was to put her entirely in charge of the family finances. Because our bank account levels were always small, she became far more careful with her purchases—and worked really hard to keep me in line too.
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6) USE ENTERTAINMENT FOR REST, NOT ESCAPE. Entertainment moves our emotion, occupies our heart, and exercises our mind—or at least, it should. Choose to invest your entertainment dollars in places that will improve your life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying entertainment. It serves an important purpose. Rest is an essential characteristic of our lives. However, entertainment can quickly become a personal and financial burden if we use it as a means to routinely escape our own reality rather than deal with it in a healthy way. 7) GIVE AWAY (AT LEAST) 10%. There are numerous religious traditions that teach the importance of giving away 10%. Personally, it is a financial philosophy we have put into practice during times of both little and plenty. The gifts benefit the receiver. But more than that, the gifts benefit the giver. It brings fulfillment and joy and meaning to our lives. But maybe the greatest benefit of generosity is the realization that we already have enough. We should be careful to not add extra burden to our marriages by chasing and accumulating material possessions. Our money is only as valuable as what we choose to spend it on. And so are our lives.
JOSHUA BECKER Joshua Becker blogs at Becoming Minimalist where he inspires others to find more life by owning less. He is also the bestselling author of Clutterfree with Kids. world
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GO WITH THE FLOW C A R L O S W H I T TA K E R
I know I am only supposed to give one piece of advice. But I can’t. And I know most people give lists of 10. But I can’t go with the flow so I have 11. You see. If there is anything that I have learned in my 15 years of marriage, it is that nothing stays the same forever. You may have a spouse that feels loved and filled by gifts for the first five years of your marriage, and then suddenly, in year six... all they want to do is snuggle. Go with the flow. And with that little piece of advice, I give you 11 more nuggets. 1. Kiss often. Kiss in front of your kids. And if you don’t have any kids yet…you soon will if you kiss often enough. 2. After you make massive mistakes, let them cuss and throw things at you without an ounce of defense. Then you will know that sticks and stones will break your
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bones and words will also kick your butt. Then, take those sticks and stones and hold them for a while, letting it sink in that you are not perfect and that you can cause pain. Become better with each fight. 3. You won’t always feel it. You won’t always choose it. But fortunately you can rest in it. Say I love you everyday. 4. When you get home from work or play or just being away…spend the first 10 minutes you are at home within five feet of your spouse. If they get weirded out that you are so close to them, you probably need to up it to 10 minutes. 5. French Kiss. Remember that? And do it right. Don’t go for the jugular in the first 30 seconds. Take it real slow. Enjoy every minute. 6. Your baby will be just fine without you. Take a night away while that kid’s a baby. The hubs needs it. The wife needs it. The baby honestly needs it. 7. When your heart skips a beat because that fine, sexy, flirty other man/woman looks your way a second longer than normal, brag to your spouse that you still have it. Then tell them the truth that you liked it. Then tell them again that you liked it. Now there will be two antennas up instead of just one. That is a time-bomb waiting to go off. 8. Cleavage shots via SMS and packed lunches make all the other cleavage at the office disappear. And if you are a dude and can pull this off… P90X 9. 15 minutes of no TV, no kids, no anything but each other each day. You will look forward to those 15 minutes all day long. 10. Fight Hard. Fight Fast. Fight Well.
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11. Leave the laptop and phone in the car. Your social network’s arms won’t feel nearly as good as the hugs you get from your family. This has worked for us. It will work for you. God Bless…
CARLOS WHITTAKER Carlos Whitaker is married to his wife Heather and they have 3 children. In November 2006 Carlos and his wife Heather adopted their son Losiah from Seoul Korea. Carlos lives for this… To ignite a movement among all generations of Christians that disturbs and disrupts the evangelical church into a place of seeing Christ’s face fresh again.
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SECRETS DON’T MAKE MARRIAGES How to cultivate emotional intimacy LORI & BARRY BYRNE
When it comes to honesty in marriage, we often get the same general list of questions. Do you have to talk about everything? Is keeping secrets from your spouse ever okay? Are secrets always unhelpful to becoming one? The issue of secrets in marriage is one of the more divided conversations among marriage counselors and pastors today. One camp finds it acceptable, depending on the circumstance and emotional framework of the partners. Others find the very thought of secret-keeping appalling. And yet whenever we are asked these questions, we always encourage couples to ask themselves a question. Are you willing to take the risk to speak the truth in love to each other in order to know and be known? Knowing and being known is not only fundamental to all of humanity, but it’s the most basic foundation of real, intimate relationship. And healthy intimacy exists between two people who both know and are known by each other in a deep, personal way. And then they respect and honor that priceless gift given to them by their spouse. Accomplishing this kind of intimacy is, of course, not easy. It is a commitment you make and continue to make on a daily basis. This kind of intimacy must be become a lifestyle not an isolated event.
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But from the time we’ve spent cultivating intimacy in our own marriage—and our time working with other couples—we would emphasize there are a few things successful couples do well. 1. THEY MAKE THE CHOICE TO LIVE WITH NOTHING HIDDEN. Leanne Payne wrote, ‘The unconfessed is the unhealed.’ You cannot keep secrets compartmentalized inside your heart, away from life and relationships. They will pollute even those things that are true and right and beautiful, staining them with their own darkness, until one can no longer distinguish between the ‘real’ and the ‘presented.’ We cannot choose to live in deception and be led by the Spirit of Truth at the same time. Sadly, we—and our marriages—will continue to be as distant and lonely as the secrets we keep. Too many of us have gone too long hiding our true selves from our spouse; it may take us days—maybe weeks—to show them who we really are. It may take even longer to build trust and intimacy. If this is your current situation, don’t be discouraged - here is a good place to start. We challenge you to ask Holy Spirit this, “ What have I kept hidden from my spouse that I need to tell them?” Are you willing to let go of your secrets to have intimacy with the one you love? George MacDonald says, “Few delights can equal the mere presence of the one whom we trust utterly.” You cannot trust your spouse utterly when secrets exist between you. Are you willing to trust being truthful in love more than anything that you fear or desire? 2. BE QUICK TO RECONCILE AND FORGIVE. Even while trying our best to love in our marriage, we will hurt each other. We have developed some simple but very effective tools to reconcile hearts wounded in relationship. This reconciliation goes beyond acknowledging wrong and asking for forgiveness. In order to reconcile we must allow ourselves to feel the pain that we have put our spouse through and then put that pain into words that they can identify with.
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If we refuse to forgive our spouse, we have placed an impenetrable barrier to intimacy in our marriage. We don’t forgive because the other person deserves it; we forgive because Jesus forgave us and he tells us to forgive. Many people invite torment into their lives and marriage because they refuse to forgive. (Matt 18:34-35) Thorough forgiveness goes beyond forgiving the offending behavior and requires forgiveness for all the painful effects resulting from the other person’s behavior. 3. DON’T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF.
If you don’t like the gift you’re giving, you’re not going to give it freely. Another step in cultivating intimacy is learning to love yourself. Sometime the idea of loving ourselves becomes confused with self-indulgence and following our feelings. Rather, we learn to love ourselves by living in such a way that we will feel good about ourselves before God. The truth is that if we feel guilt about something we’re doing or shame in who we are, we won’t ever get vulnerable with anyone. When we keep shame and guilt hidden, the enemy speaks lies to us about our identity. But when we love ourselves by accepting the truth of who Jesus says we are, living openly and intimately with others can become an ongoing lifestyle! *This is an excerpt from an interview in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
LORI & BARRY BYRNE Barry has been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years as well as a devoted student of God’s word. He has ministered at Bethel Church in the Transformation Center both as a teacher, and supervisor to the counselors. His wisdom, experience and anointing in the area of Spirit-led inner healing are powerfully matched with the Father’s heart of love. Lori is a fourth generation Pastor with a strong gift of discernment and the prophetic. Having counseled people for years within the church, she draws from a vast wealth of wisdom and experience in connecting and building intimate relationships in the Body of Christ. world
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P R A C T I C E M A K E S PA S S I O N P O S S I B L E 3 ways to build your dream marriage DUSTIN RIECHMANN
When you first fall in love, happiness comes easy and it seems so effortless to be a good partner. Your jokes are funny, your thoughts and actions are romantic, and your time together is pretty much all rainbows and butterflies. It turns out that there’s a good reason for this—a scientific one at that. Your first few months or even years together are shrouded in a chemical cloud of infatuation. You’re literally high on each other and the lovin’ comes easy. So what happens a few years down the road after you’ve decided to get married and settle down together? Well, the chemical boost fades and you’re left with the choice to love your spouse. This is the part of marriage that sometimes freaks a couple out. You may start to have doubts about whether you’re still “in love” with your husband or wife. You may look at him or her and wonder when things got so… soft. You may ask yourself where the passion has gone. Trust me, the love is still there, but you can’t rely on chemistry to make it work on autopilot. It’s time for you to step up and practice having the marriage you desire. Like learning to play the guitar or run a marathon, an awesome marriage is the result of practice. You can have a mediocre relationship without a lot of effort, but the dream mar-
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riage you envisioned during your engagement is going to require some good old fashioned hard work. So, what sort of things do you need to learn and refine to enjoy a thriving marriage? Based on our own experience and the wisdom gained from working with dozens of other couples, here are three simple steps I’d recommend practicing to keep the passion alive.
1. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. As your relationship matures, and especially when children enter the picture, it’s frighteningly easy to lose your connection as a couple. Your roles as a parent, caregiver, breadwinner, housekeeper, etc. can be so overwhelming that you never give the time or energy needed to be a great spouse. I recommend every couple spend at least 15 minutes each day simply being a couple. This is sacred time to enjoy each other and put aside those other roles for a while. Sit, talk, laugh and be together—simple as that.
2. NEVER STOP DATING. Do you remember when you were dating? When you’re dating, you don’t need “date nights” because every time you get together it’s all about getting to know each other better and building your relationship. That’s not the case when you’ve been married for a while. You’re together all the time, which makes it exceedingly easy to get complacent and fail to feed the romantic side of your relationship. Be sure to schedule a date night every week or two to spend some special time together and rekindle the intimacy between you. While it’s great to get out of the house for a big night out, this can be as simple as a lunch date or an evening at home together after the kids are in bed.
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3. TREAT MARRIAGE LIKE AN INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO. It’s funny how easy is it to justify spending money on new gadgets, improvements to your home or even lessons to learn a new skill. Yet, when it comes to the most important relationship in your life, many of us shy away from trying to better ourselves. I can’t recommend enough that you spend some time and money making yourself a better husband or wife. Pick up a course on communication, read a good book and don’t be too proud to sign up for a marriage retreat where you can get away and focus on each other deeply. When you consider that you’ve devoted the rest of your life to your spouse and you spend everyday together, it’s easy to see that there’s no better return on your investment than in learning the skills you need to be as happy as possible together. Do yourself a favor and make a commitment today to make your marriage your highest priority (right after God). Devote quality time each day to your spouse, bless your marriage with regular date nights, and do everything you can to be the best husband or wife you can be. Building your dream marriage isn’t easy, but it’s absolutely worth it.
DUSTIN RIECHMANN Dustin Riechmann is the author of 15 Minute Marriage Makeover and creator of Engaged Marriage, a site devoted to helping other married couples live a life they love (especially) when they feel too busy to make it happen. Dustin’s passion is providing practical tools that you can use to keep your marriage fresh and fully “engaged” even when life gets hectic. He’s been married for over 13 years to his best friend Bethany, and is a proud Dad to three very energetic kids under the age of nine.You deserve your dream marriage, and it’s Dustin’s mission to help you make it happen.
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T H E P R O M I S E YO U C A N ’ T K E E P IN MARRIAGE Why happiness is the result, not the reason for a good marriage. JOHN MARK COMER
Friendship. Support. Sexuality. Family. Recreation. That’s why you get married. That’s why God created marriage. Here’s the problem— that’s not why most people get married. At least, that’s not why I got married. I got married to be happy. Don’t get me wrong. I was into all that other stuff. She was my closest friend. There was a calling on our life together that we were excited about. Sex ... uh ... yes. And we both wanted a family one day. But none of those reasons were the reason.
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Like millions upon millions of other Americans, I married for happiness. That sounds innocuous at first glance. Heck, it sounds romantic. But the trouble is that happiness is the result of a healthy marriage. It’s not the reason for marriage. Happiness is a great thing, but it’s the by-product, the afterclap of marriage. It’s not the point. God doesn’t look down on Adam and say, “He looks sad. He needs a lift. He needs another human being to quench the thirst of his soul. I will make him a helper to satisfy his deepest longings. Eve, the pressure’s on.” Of course not. Only God can do that. A spouse is not a substitute for God. The point of marriage isn’t to find our missing half. It’s to help each other become all God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other—the person God created them to be—and they push and pull each other toward that goal. Don’t get married because you think he or she is “the one.” Trust me, they’re not. There’s no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation, that journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don’t want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God’s calling on them, and you want in. My wife makes me a better person. She calls out the best in me. She calls me to live up to who I really am, to who God is making me to be. She also brings out the worst in me. What Paul calls “the flesh.” The ugly, nasty part of me that doesn’t want to change. She exposes my selfishness and my pride. That’s why marriage is humbling. I thought I was a pretty decent guy—and then I got
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married. Turns out I’m kind of a toolshed. It’s easy to be a decent guy when you live in a bubble. But when you step into marriage, your true colors bleed out. It’s like squeezing a sponge. Whatever is on the inside comes out, for better or for worse. I cringe when I’m at a wedding where the guy says, “I promise to make you happy.” I want to stand up and scream, “You can’t keep that promise! It’s impossible! You aren’t God!” Is it any wonder that the number-one justification for divorce is “I deserve to be happy”? If you put your faith in your spouse to make you happy, it’s only a matter of time before they let you down. Our whole mindset on happiness is deeply flawed. “I deserve to be happy.” Really? I’m not sure that’s right. All of life is a gift from the Creator God. We think we have the right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” but contrary to what the American propaganda machine says, happiness is not a right. It’s a gift. God doesn’t owe you anything. And neither does your spouse. It’s all a gift. You have to get this before you get married. Sadly, I didn’t, and it caused me so much pain. Not to mention how it hurt my wife. If you go into marriage searching for happiness, all you will do is walk out filled with disillusionment. Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is incredible! But it’s not heaven on earth. It’s two broken people coming together to follow God’s calling on their lives. Let marriage be marriage, and let God be God. Let marriage be for friendship and support and sex and family and re-creation. And let God be the well for your soul. Your source of life. This doesn’t mean you won’t be happy in marriage. I am. Most of the best memories of my life have my wife attached to them. Our honeymoon in Europe, moving to Port-
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land, starting a church, the birth of our first child, that vacation in Kauai—we did all of that together. And it was fun. If I were to edit her out of my story, it would be flat, anemic and boring. Here’s what I’ve learned over the last few years. God is the source of my life, not my wife. She’s an amazing gift that I don’t deserve, but she’s not Jesus. It took me a long time to get this. And to be honest, I’m still pounding away on living it out. Hopefully, you’ll get this sooner than I did. Because the beauty of this way of living is that if and when happiness shows up on your doorstep, it’s icing on the cake. *This article first appeared on RelevantMagazine.com
JOHN MARK COMER John Mark Comer is Lead Pastor of Bridgetown; A Jesus Church in Portland, Ore., and author of Loveology: God. Love. Marriage. Sex. And the Never-Ending Story of Male and Female.
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T H E R E A R E A L O T O F W AY S T O GET TO FOUR One way to manage personality differences. KAREN EHMAN
My husband and I didn’t start out our marriage with any overly romantic notions. No knight-in-shining-armor visions. No expectations of me being treated like a princess with a guaranteed happily-ever-after thrown in for good measure. Because we both grew up in homes that had less-than-perfect marriages, including one divorce, we were realists. We knew marriage was hard. But we were willing to do the hard work. One thing we never bargained for however, was what would become one of the most difficult aspects of our life together. We simply drive each other nuts with how we get things done. Of course we knew we had polar-opposite personalities. But those differences were cute when we were dating. Yet it seems the minute we said our “I dos” the very things we found adorable about each other soon began to make us crazy! My husband is a laid-back, unrushed person with a calm demeanor. I loved how he didn’t seem to have opinions on many things when we were college sweethearts. Time to go to dinner or a movie? He wasn’t too wasn’t fussy. He always let me decide. I loved that set up! However, when, a few months into our marriage, I needed him to make some decisions—to take some action—he froze.
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It bothered me so much, his passivity. He, on the other hand, was first attracted to me because he loved how I could talk. “You could work a room, making everyone feel included. You could talk to everyone from the bagger at the grocery store to the college president. I loved how you could talk!” Then, about three days into our honeymoon he had this thought, “When is she ever going to hush up?” In fact, he says that—should I go before him—he already knows what he is going to put on my tombstone. A period. She’s finally done yakking! My being an overly verbal person sometimes makes me also show my frustration and display my anger a bit more than my hubby (okay…..a lot more). I get flustered at what I perceive as his lack of action and I sometimes burst out in annoyance. He is often passive. Usually it makes me get aggressive. I guess you could say we have a passive-aggressive marriage! Working through our personality differences has been a constant home improvement project for us. For the most part, we do pretty well. In fact, on the big issues we seem to give each other grace and space. However, it is the little things that drive us both bonkers! Our differing personalities also cause us to tackle tasks around the house in opposite ways. If long-lost friends call to say they will be passing through our town in an hour and want to stop by, I go into panic mode. I want the house picked up and pronto! What does that look like to me? Grab the clutter. Shove it in a closest. Or drawer. Or even in the dryer for crying out loud. Just get rid of the junk. I couldn’t care less if there is a layer of dust on the furniture when you drop by. I just don’t want you to trip and break your neck because of the stuff currently playing possum on my living room floor. The hubster? Yeah. You guessed it. He steps gingerly over the piles to head up to the guest bedroom to start dusting all the furniture in the house! What?!? They aren’t even
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going to go upstairs to that room! But to him clean means dust-free. Clutter doesn’t rattle him. It’s not even on his radar. I know we aren’t the only ones with this little marital hitch. Maybe some of you can relate to this one. Lets take feeding the kids. Say they need lunch one afternoon. You— being a good mom—would feed them a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with a side of carrot sticks and a crisp apple. Your man? He thinks it is just fine and dandy to throw some leftover pizza on a plate, nuke it 15 seconds and serve it with a side of leftover Easter candy for dessert. Oh my! But ya know what I have learned? Everything doesn’t always have to be done my way. That’s right. They are many ways to tackle tasks around the house. Or to parent the kiddos. I’ll illustrate it for you. Let me ask you this: what is 2 + 2? 3 + 1? 10 – 6? Yep. The answer to all of the above is four. There are a lot of ways to get to four. The only one who will do exactly what you would do in 100% of the situations you are confronted with in life….is you! And, if your spouse does everything exactly as you do and has the same opinion as you on every issue, then one of you is unnecessary! Reciting my little math equation phrase in my brain helps me to keep my anger in check. “There are a lot of ways to get to four”. It not only calms me down, it helps me to remember that I am not the center of the universe. That everything doesn’t always need to be done my way. That I am not always right. (Did I really just admit that publicly?)
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Who cares if, when getting the house clean, he sweeps and then dusts and you do it in reverse? Do you really want to take your last breath on that little hill? In the example of feeding the children, both methods still fill their tummies. No kids ever became malnourished from one meal of leftover pizza and candy (besides, it makes them think dad is really cool!). Giving each other grace and space is crucial to a marriage relationship. Life is so constant. Keeping house together is daily. If you let every tiny difference in how you approach tasks at home bug you it will sap the life and joy right out of your relationship. So how do we stop this cycle? Can we train our brains to process situations differently, avoiding wounded feelings and regret? Here are a few questions to ask yourself: • Does this really matter now? • Will it matter tomorrow? • Will it affect eternity? • Is God trying to teach me something? If so, what? • Can I pause and praise instead of interrupt and instigate? • Am I just being overly-picky and simply need to let it go? A though from the Bible I always come back to is, “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3). It may seem a small thing to defer to others when it comes to how chores are done around the house. However, I have come to realize that sometimes wanting things done the right....ahem...I mean “my” way, just stems from my own selfishness. I think my ways are better. Waaaaaay better. And I try to impress others with how great my ways are rather than consider for even a second that my beloved’s way might be just fine and dandy.
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Remember, two plus two equals four. Three plus one equals four. It all equals four. In fact, during heightened moments of frustration, you just might find me wandering about my house, mumbling to myself, “And thirty-six divided by nine equals four. The square root of sixteen is four!” How many ways can you get to four?
KAREN EHMAN Karen Ehman is the communications coordinator and a national speaker for Proverbs 31 Ministries, a national speaker, and author of six books including LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show & Start Walking in Faith. She has been the guest on media outlets including The 700 Club, Focus on the Family, Moody Midday Connection and Engaging Women. She and her college sweetheart husband Todd are the parents of three sometimes quarrelsome but mostly charming children and reside in the boondocks of Mid-Michigan where she enjoys herb gardening, antique hunting and cheering loudly in the baseball bleachers and football stands. {Yeah. She’s that mom.}
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MOCK EACH OTHER & 7 OTHER C R E AT I V E T I P S O N M A R R I A G E J E R E M Y C OWA R T
My wife and I have been married for 14 years and in that time, we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to be married. It’s easier than everyone says it is. Here are seven things we’ve done that have made our marriage work really well—and helped us have a lot of fun.
1. DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY. 14 years of marriage and running, we’ve never had “the bad year”. We don’t fight and never have. I can remember three kinda-fights in 17 years of being together but they diffused very quickly. Within the hour. I’m not bragging. I’m just saying that if you’re in a dating relationship and you fight all the time, it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible to be in a long-lasting relationship, without fighting. My wife and I are ridiculously laid back. We don’t take anything or ourselves too seriously.
2. MOCK EACH OTHER. We laugh all the time. We talk smack and jokingly mock each other. She’ll ask me to take out the trash. I respond with “I’ll take YOU out to the trash.” Then she’ll respond with “Your face is trash.” Then we both die laughing. This constant joking
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is hilarious, fun and such a healthy dynamic in our marriage. It’s our love language in a very hysterical/slightly disturbing way.
3. EXHAUST “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” JOKES. I believe every marriage must have a healthy dose of “That’s what she said” jokes. I think we have a larger dose of them than The Office had.
4. GIVE SELFLESSLY. My wife is relentlessly selfless. She gives and gives and gives like no one else I’ve ever seen in my life. I try to be selfless but she wins by a mile in that category. It’s just who she is.
5. DON’T BE A FAN. I love that my wife is not a “fan” of mine. She loves me for me and not my career or anything. I’m an idea guy and I’m bouncing ideas off of her all the time. Most of the time, it goes in one ear and out the other. It can be frustrating, but it keeps me humble. But sometimes I have an idea that causes her to break down into tears immediately. One of those moments was when I told her about an idea called Help-Portrait. I recently had another idea that made her cry. It’s a massive dream of mine and she’s always pressing me and asking, “When are you going to pursue that one?” She is the ultimate idea barometer and always seems to be right.
6. BE THE AVERAGE. My wife averages me out in my confidence. There are days. Many, many, many days that I feel like I suck. My ideas suck. Everything sucks. As an artist, many times I have absolutely zero confidence. Those are the days she somehow figures out how to remind me I don’t suck and I’m actually quite good at what I do. Then, every now and then, I’m a little too high on an idea or a project and I think for a minute that I’m kind of awesome. She’s super quick to bring me back down to earth
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in those moments. She’s an expert balloon-popper. The balloon being my ego, of course.
7. TRUST EACH OTHER. I’ve always admired her trust in me. Not every wife would say “sure, go tour with Britney Spears for three months”. Or “Sure, go shoot all these beautiful women and make them look even more beautiful.” But she does do that and continues to trust me. It’s amazing how, the more she trusts me, the more I want to earn and respect that trust. Jealousy kills relationships and Shannon has never once been jealous of what I’m doing or who I’m working or traveling with. That’s a strong woman. And let me just add to the fact that I’ve never slept with another woman in my life. We were virgins when we got married and have remained 100% faithful since then. So guys, it’s possible to have a successful career, travel the world and stay faithful to your wife. Crazy concept, I know, but it’s pretty amazing. Our culture tends to celebrate sleeping around and showcase men as “strong” and “tough” if they get a lot of women. I think it’s the complete opposite. Staying faithful to your wife as a man is strong and tough. Cheating on your spouse is weak. Amen.
8. BE PATIENT. Oh man, my wife is so patient with me. I tend to be quite spacey. I’m always thinking or dreaming of something. It’s part A.D.D. and part dreamer in me. So it’s hard for me to be “present” sometimes. I can be in the room and not present at all. But Shannon understands that about me and is patient with me. She’s patient every time I drive the wrong way and miss all those turns. She’s patient when I forget those groceries or forget the important story she told me about her day. She’s patient when I simply don’t listen. Whew, that’s a tough one for most women. So sure, she gets madly frustrated sometimes but she’s still more understanding than she should be. Same with my iPhone. I love my job and I love technology. So it’s easy to be glued to my iPhone a lot. I’m also a people-pleaser, so I feel like I have to respond to every email, text, Facebook comment, Facebook message, twitter reply, twitter DM,
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blog post comment, phone call, LinkedIn message, Instagram comment, etc. Did I cover them all? Probably not. But you get the idea. Keeping up with it all is hard. Family comes first, obviously, but gosh it’s hard sometimes to balance it all. Shannon is extremely patient with my struggles there. We’re not perfect. We don’t have it all figured out and I don’t mean to imply that. But marriage these days seems to be in a lot of trouble. It feels like divorce is far more normal than happy marriages. But from a guy who has a good, healthy marriage, these are simply a few of the things that have helped us. And I hope they help you.
JEREMY COWART Jeremy is a Photographer, Entrepreneur and a Humanitarian. He founded a global photography movement called Help-Portrait and recently launched an iPhone App/Social Network called OKDOTHIS. His goal in life is to use his platform, ideas and creativity to inspire and help others in need.
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DROPPING THE IF-BOMBS It’s “US vs The Distractions” baby! PA U L E D W A R D R A L P H
If-bombs are just like F-bombs, except there’s way more collateral damage. I will never forget my earliest If-bomb encounter. You see, there was a certain young lady I’d been eyeing for months at school and church. Having honed my skills for reading the nonverbal cues of the fairer sex, it was abundantly clear that there was mutual interest. I was fourteen. There could be no mistaking it. This was a slam-dunk. On that magical day, as Jill and I stood at the bus stop, I mustered up the courage. Leaning toward her, and lowering my voice to an adolescent hush, I artfully posited the question: “Would you like to go with me to a movie?” “Sure,” she responded instantly. And with the sweet sound of that monosyllabic ecstasy ringing fresh in my ear, my mind raced to the shared popcorn and to the potential of nudging my leg closer to hers. I even let myself consider the rapturous delight of holding her hand.
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“Sure,” she repeated, “If you’ll introduce me to your older brother!” Crash and burn. I was crushed. I was completely humiliated. I was irreparably damaged. And I was fourteen. There was nothing more deflating in the entire universe. When my heart and mind finally coalesced around the brutal nature of her rejection, I determined then and there to be suspect of that little conjunction “if.” And the devastation wrought when dropped on an unsuspecting victim is enormous. Fast forward. I married my high school sweetheart (not the bus stop bomber) and we’ve introduced three new lives onto the big, blue marble. If I’m honest, not every breath has been dramatic, effortless, and filled with pregnant anticipation. Marian and I have celebrated the triumph and the tragedy; the pleasure and the pain; the daylight and the darkness. We’ve dropped our share of bombs on each other. And the fallout wasn’t pretty. Yet through it all, among other things we’ve learned to say: Thank you, You’re correct, I’m sorry—and mean it. I like the ancient Hebrew description of it: “… a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two but one.” Perhaps I now perpetually have that look on my face, but I’m often asked, “What piece of advice would you give to couples?” That’s a decent question, but I liked this question better when it recently landed in my inbox: “What advice would you offer twenty-something newlyweds (or couples about to take the plunge)?” Here’s one, which might surprise you... Stop dropping If-bombs!
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“If” has many uses. When it’s employed as a part of couple-speak, especially during moments of tension, unfortunately it often presents as:
“IF” CAN BE A BARGAINING CHIP. Him: “If she puts out, I’ll help around the house.” Her: “If he helps out more, I might want to have sex with him.”
“IF” CAN BE A COVER-UP FOR FEAR. Him: “If she really knew what I was like, she’d reject me.” Her: “If I gain weight, he’ll look elsewhere.”
“IF” CAN BE A BLAME GAME. Him: “If she weren’t such a nag, we’d be happy.” Her: “If he didn’t waste so much money, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Does any of this sound familiar? If-bombs place people in competitive postures against one another. And since the DNA of competition requires that there be a winner and a loser, as a couple that translates into “me versus you—one or both of us loses.” In other words, when you compete with one another—when you insist on dropping if-bombs—you set yourself up for failure as a couple. Several years into our marriage, I found myself at a career tipping point, which caused me to doubt some long-held ideals. I was nervous to have an open dialogue with Marian about them. I was nervous she might reject the new direction I was considering; ergo, reject me. Can you say collateral damage? In retrospect, the particular issue wasn’t even a big deal. But I let it slip into “me versus her.” Subconsciously. Unintentionally. Painfully. So I hid from my own wife, which
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meant that both of us were losing. Should you choose to leverage If-bombs as bargaining chips, or cover-ups for fear, or to blame your spouse, I’ve got some hard news for you: You might just find that your shared millions of breaths will develop into a lifetime of very labored breathing with the odds stacked against you. Permit me to suggest an alternative: “us versus the distractions—with a chance that we’ll both win.”
DISTRACTIONS: A PARTIAL LISTING • Money
• Aging Parents
• Extended Family
• Death
• Sex
• Cultural Distinctions
• Employment
• Religion
• Personal Habits
• Children
• Power
• Society
• Sickness
• Friends
• Attraction to Others
• Pizza Toppings
• Personal Baggage
(okay kidding, kind of )
Distractions are natural. They’re coming whether you like it or not. They happen with or without your permission. And in reality, you often play a role in creating the very distractions you will encounter as a couple. Distractions are powerful. They can kill your marriage. But they don’t have to. If it’s “me versus you,” there is an enormous need, perceived or real, to come out on top. (Self-preservation is like a horse that has bolted from the barn—quickly escaping and very difficult to retrieve. And it kicks up a lot of dust in the form of arguments, misrepresentation, misunderstanding, and hurt.) On the contrary, “us versus the distractions” animates your relationship and conversations center around the topic at hand, rather than the persons involved. This opens
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up the freedom for some healthy discussion, which doesn’t need to include personal attacks. To paraphrase a dear friend of mine, “Tough issues can make us fearful or defensive. However, a good conversation does not dismiss another’s viewpoint. A healthy conversation is open and honest. Each person seeks to give and receive, and each has a genuine interest in the perspective and knowledge of the other person.” Now that is what an “us versus the distractions” kind of relationship looks like. And that’s what can happen when you stop dropping If-bombs.
PAUL EDWARD RALPH Paul Edward Ralph has three first names. Odd, we know. But hey, he’s a Canadian who leads a team of experienced collaborators at www. theideascafe.com, and also helps non-profit organizations cultivate generosity at www.PathwaysFund.com. “Don’t buy the lie that practice makes perfect,” claims this husband and father. “Practice makes permanent.” And guided by this mantra Paul pursues life by cultivating conversations of unhurried intimacy. world
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GOOD GIRLS LIKE SEX TOO How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband S H E I L A W R AY G R E G O I R E
Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated, and how many has your husband initiated? If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem! Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling, and it’s not clear who initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). Or sometimes he has a really low sex drive, so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off. But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, so he’s the one who initiates. Maybe you’re not even sure how to initiate sex, because you’ve never really done it! When I was researching my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiation: “Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.” Paul Byerly, who writes at the Generous Husband, puts it this way:
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“For men, sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realize this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel.” Even when you convince a man this is not what you mean, he will still feel it. When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife, he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate—want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy. So, ladies, it’s time to step up to the plate! But how do you initiate sex? I’d like to share 10 tips on how to initiate sex with your husband—and help your husband feel like the most blessed man in the world.
1. DO SHOW ENTHUSIASM. Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following do NOT count as initiating sex: (Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna. (Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess. (Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today. (Lying in bed, arms crossed). So...I guess we’re due, eh? (Sorry, that’s the Canadian coming out in me). If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna?” The first step is getting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it, too!
2. DON’T OVERTHINK IT. Why don’t we initiate sex? Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads
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we talk ourselves out of it. Do I want to tonight? Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late, and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now. I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I? Wouldn’t that be deceptive? And what if the kids wake up? And what if.... Turn it off ! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it! You’ll be happier later—and you’ll likely sleep better, too!
3. DON’T BE EMBARRASSED. “Good girls don’t like sex.” Did you grow up thinking that? If you grew up thinking that only boys wanted sex, and girls just acquiesced, then you may think that it’s your role to sit back and just respond to him. Anything else somehow upsets the apple cart. But good girls do want sex! God gave us sex drives, too. And inside marriage, sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing for both of you! Think about it this way: This is the only man on earth who can touch you like that. He’s the only man on earth who really truly knows you. You don’t need to be embarrassed around him. I know that can be a hard transition to make. But practice little things, like saying to him the morning after you made love, “I had fun last night”, or “you made me feel great!” Practice talking about it afterwards. It makes it easier to talk about it beforehand.
4. DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH. If you’re embarrassed about saying, “do you want to make love tonight?”, then you may not give clear signals. My husband was leaving for a business trip for a week recently, and he was spending
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the morning before he left sorting papers and paying bills and getting some tasks done around the house. I kept getting up from my computer whenever he got up from his, walking over to see if I could get him interested in something, but I never let him know what I was doing. I thought he was just busy and wasn’t interested. But after following him around like a puppy dog for an hour, he finally turned to me and said, “are you okay?” I said, “I just thought we could go upstairs for some fun before you left.” He jumped on board immediately. I had thought he was busy and rejecting me, but he just really didn’t know what I was getting at. Men are usually afraid of getting rejected, and if he tends to have the higher sex drive in your marriage, he may have conditioned himself to never think about it, or to try not to assume you’re going somewhere, because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Subtlety, then, isn’t a good thing. Be obvious. It’s easier on everyone!
5. DO USE YOUR HANDS. Don’t like talking about sex? You don’t have to. Come up behind him, wrap your arms around him, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. Or lead him to the bedroom—but not with his hand. You can get things going without saying any words, if the words make you shy. Just do it!
6. DO BE CREATIVE. Initiating sex can start earlier in the day. You can text him at work (“You’re in for it tonight!”). You can get dressed in your “pretty” underwear (not your functional underwear), and let him see, and say something like, “so this is what I’ll be wearing all day today....” You can put a note in his lunchbox, like a Skor bar, and say, “Wanna Skor tonight?” If a thought occurs to you, do it! Chances are it’s a good thought, and most guys won’t
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laugh at you. They’ll definitely go with it.
7. DO LAUGH. It’s okay to smile, and chuckle, and be giggly. It’s okay to act like teenagers. It doesn’t have to be super serious. You can joke around. “Hey, Big Man, do you have anything to help Little Ole Me?” You can flirt with your husband! It really is okay.The more laughter, the more fun all around.
8. DO BE EYE CANDY (IT’S OKAY!) Instead of wearing your flannel pyjamas, get into some silk ones. Or put on a matching bra and panty set, and as you get undressed, show him what you’re wearing. Try putting on a teddy! Or go naked underneath a bathrobe and “flash” him while he’s downstairs. Then walk away, and see if he follows.
9. DO FOLLOW THROUGH. If you’ve been texting him all day, or you whispered in his ear when he walked in the door, then do follow through. It’s hard on a guy to get his engines revving and then stopping with no warning. Obviously if something comes up you may have to forego sex that evening, but if you’ve been hinting, then as much as possible, set the right conditions. Don’t watch a chick flick if it’s likely to make you so tired that at the end of it you want to collapse into bed. It may seem romantic, but if it will push bedtime back too far, then make love first, before the movie. Don’t get on the computer thinking, “after I’m done this we’ll head upstairs.” If sex is your plan, then make sure it happens early, when you’re still thinking about it, rather than giving other things—the news, the computer, the movies—a chance to distract you and make you change your mind.
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Once you’ve caught his attention, and you’re heading to the bedroom, don’t let the initiation end. Be active as you make love. Touch him. Guide his hand. Be the aggressor—at least a little bit. Find a good position yourself. When you’re active, it shows him, “I want to do this.” If you lie there on your back and don’t do much, he may think, “she’s just doing this for me.” Show him you are interested, and you do want this to happen—by making it happen! Ultimately, you don’t have to do all of these things. Pick 1-3 and then just do them. Small changes now can add up to big changes in the long run. Now go and have a great time with your man.
SHELIA WREY GREGOIRE Sheila Wray Gregoire is a popular marriage speaker and blogger. The author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex, she loves encouraging women to find the intimacy that God designed us for. She blogs everyday at ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com world ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com
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Buy The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex
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HOLD HANDS How to Stay Connected to Your Spouse L I Z & R YA N B O W E R
Have you ever seen a little old couple walking down the street, hand in hand or arm in arm? No matter who you are, a sight like this absolutely warms your heart. Their physical connection of love is powerful, even to an innocent bystander. Generally our immediate reaction goes something like this: Liz (poking or tapping me on the arm): “Aww, did you see that cute little old couple?” Ryan: “They look so cute together. I hope we are still that much in love at that age.” Over the past seven years of marriage we’ve learned many important things. But one of the most important things we’ve learned is the importance of staying connected to each other—both emotionally and physically. For us, it’s pretty simple, the more connected we are, the happier we are together. During our wedding, this idea was shared from the Bible passage Mark 10:8.
“and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.”
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By saying “I Do” we agreed to become one. How much more connected can you get than that? But even knowing we are happier when truly connected, we are often challenged to remain one flesh. In everyday life there are so many things that pull for our attention, the attention that we should be focusing on each other in order to create a truly connected relationship. A simple example of one thing that pulls for our attention is the digital device you are reading this on. According to a July 2013 article on Yahoo!, Americans spend 23 hours a week on digital devices, social media and texting. That’s nearly an entire day! If you figure an average of 7 hours of sleep per night, that’s nearly 20% of the remaining waking hours in a week! And this report is nearly a year old, so that average is probably even higher now. Staying physically connected can also be a huge challenge as well. The weight of marriage even affects something as simple as holding hands. According to the book The Normal Bar, “Most couples hold hands often in their first five years together, but things start to change around year six. That drop-off is significant (11%) but not as dramatic as the plunge after ten or more years, when more than half of couples no longer hold hands.” Fortunately we have found a few easy answers (easy to say, although not always easy to implement!) to remaining more fully connected with each other. First, we do our best to turn off our digital devices or at least put them away after 8pm. Instead of spending time looking at a screen, we look at each other. And no matter what, we reconnect emotionally with each other each night by simply talking with each other before we go to bed. We talk about our day, our hopes and our dreams for the next day, and what we can do to be better partners to each other.
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Our friends Jenny and Matt, a couple we met and interviewed out near Los Angeles, have a similar rule they call “Five Minutes on the Couch.” Each day after they get home from work, they sit on the couch together, without distractions, and catch back up with each other. Their conversations help them stay current with each other and more emotionally connected. Another thing we try to do is to act like that little old couple. We make a conscious effort to hold hands as we walk and we take moments to hug each other throughout the day. Finally, if you don’t think staying connected is that big of a deal, consider this. It’s been shown that the simple act of holding hands can reduce stress (Check out this TEDx talk). Also, simply touching each other has been shown to communicate emotions of gratitude, trust, and love. All of which are emotions nearly everyone will tell you are keys to greater happiness and a more amazing marriage.
LIZ & RYAN BOWER Hello Friends! We are Liz and Ryan, millennials, storytellers, wedding photographers, dream believers and AMAZING life inspirers. We are high school sweethearts, married for almost 7 years, and business partners for 5. Our dream is to inspire all couples to live a more AMAZING Life Together.
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MARRIAGE ISN’T ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON KRIS WOLFE
The best marriage advice I’ve ever received is simple: “Marriage isn’t about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person.” If you want to find the right person for marriage, it’s not about finding the best technique, or pick-up lines. It’s not about short-term fixes, one-night stands, or anything that adds another notch to your bedpost. It’s about becoming the best individual you can be so you can attract the best spouse for you. Wearing a mask is exhausting. Putting on a front takes ridiculous effort. You are not the same person when you strive and become desperate. We pound the ground, get caught up in distraction, stir up dust, creating a snow globe of confusion and illusion, and when we are tired from the effort, our feet slow down, the dust begins to settle, we finally rest, and there lies our authentic self. Humbled, we face ourselves; or embarrassed, we finally expose the true self to everyone close to us.
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We create dust bowls just to get in relationships. The impression we make is a whole new front as we strive to find “the one.” We’ve all heard the old adage, “After six months of dating, you’ll finally discover who your partner really is.” What really happens is six months in, we become comfortable, let our guards down, and reveal our true self. The problem is, the other half isn’t impressed—rightfully so. Sometimes we try to find the perfect mate who will keep the illusory dust image around us. However, a spouse cannot complete you, and deep down, we know that. If we have no interest in dealing with our issues, we really just want someone who can hide our true selves away and make us forget any pain we’ve been dealt. Who are you when the dust settles? If marriage is about becoming the right person, then it all begins at ground zero. It begins with an honest assessment, an unconditional acceptance, and a desire to be better than where we are at this moment. It’s also the realization we cannot become the right person alone. There’s a reason one of the best self-improvement programs is Alcoholics Anonymous. The 12 steps start with acceptance, acknowledging the need for a savior (“a higher power”), assessing your morals, forgiving, etc. It’s a humble new beginning. One of the most powerful experiences I’ve had was attending an AA meeting with a friend. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. I saw people accept their condition, and surrender. I realized that despite the fact I had given my life to Jesus, there was still shame, and history tucked neatly under a rug. That night gave me confidence to start a journey to become the man I was supposed to be.
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It wasn’t long before I started seeing a counselor, joined a therapy group, and began seeking out healing ministries. I’m glad I did. My thoughts transformed, my habits changed, and when I met my wife, I had become the right person for myself, and for her. Maybe we need to accept our imperfections, and find refuge in our savior. Maybe we need others around us who will push us to a higher standard of living, and maybe we need to change our way of thinking and begin a new life. You choose. Which do you want: to hide behind the illusion and be covered by a dust storm, or be covered with the redeeming love of Jesus?
KRIS WOLFE Kris Wolfe is the founder, editor, and writer on GoodGuySwag.com. He currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife Kristen (former Miss USA and founder of SheIsMore.com), where he leads a men’s group comprised of influencers in the entertainment industry. He’s a health and fitness freak, and in his spare time, is involved on the Board of Directors for Olive Crest, an organization devoted to families and placement of foster children. world
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DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE THE ONE T H AT L O V E S T H E M O S T How I Discovered Love is Not Weakness. N AT E B A G L E Y
On December 11th, 2013 I found myself in a car driving through the back roads of Georgia with a stiff back and weary eyes. I had spent the last two months of my life sleeping on couches, driving from city to city with my friend, Melissa, as we searched the United States for the most passionately in-love couples we could find. We were nearing the end of our journey, and as always, I had no idea what to expect from the couple we were about to meet. I had no way of knowing I would receive the most important love advice of my life. When we arrived at Joseph and Anne Gaston’s home, we were treated with 60+ years worth of stories and experiences. They told us how they met and how they fell in love. They recounted the struggles that came with working in the medical field while raising a family, how they had to sacrifice important things so the other could pursue their dreams. Conversations like this are what I live for—rich in stories, personality, and practical advice. These are the reason I started recording these stories in the first place. As we were winding down the conversation, we asked the Gastons if they could leave the world with one bit of love advice, what would it be?
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Without missing a beat, Anne said,
“Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.” I felt the air get sucked from my lungs as the power of her words sank in. I had always been taught that “the person who cares the least always has the most power.” We tell ourselves that not caring—not loving—means we get to dictate the pace of the relationship and the level of commitment. We believe the person who cares the least worries the least, stresses the least, and has the most freedom to do as they please. We say that loving makes you weak and vulnerable. It makes you a captive in your own relationship, subject to the feelings, moods, and desires of the one you love. One simple sentence by an 80-year-old woman changed a lifetime of belief for me. I suddenly realized that love is not weakness. It’s power. Love is the fuel that makes relationships work. Loving someone more than they love you is not stupid or crazy or foolish. It’s the bravest thing you can do in this life. True love is given without conditions or expectation of reciprocation. We can love others even when they are imperfect and flawed. We can cherish them, serve them, and forgive them even when they break promises, say unintentionally hurtful things, fall short, or forget. Love is unfair… and that’s what makes it so amazing and beautiful. When we aren’t afraid to be the one who loves the most, and we find a partner who is also committed to loving big, we get the experience of receiving love even (and especially) in the moments we least deserve it.
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That is what true love is all about. Don’t miss out on true, deep, meaningful, connected love. Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.
NATE BAGLEY Nate Bagley is the creator of The Loveumentary, a project dedicated to revealing what truly happy, healthy relationships have in common. He’s traveled all over the united states and spoken with hundreds of couples to learn what makes their relationships so incredible. He shares those insights via his blog and podcast which can be found at loveumentary. com.
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W H E N T H E M A R I TA L G R A S S L O O K S GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE 6 questions to ask when marriage isn’t so great RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI
Sometimes it’s hard to remember every detail of one of the biggest days of my life. With all the work and preparation, every flower and candle should be pierced into my memory, but sometimes I have to turn the pages of my wedding photo album to remember the little things that meant so much that day. The same holds true with marriage. Oh, I can read the best marriage book ever written and be inspired to become the best wife on the planet. The only problem is, a few days later, I’ve forgotten what really inspired me and my husband left his clothes hanging on the treadmill… again. And there it is—the need to remember why I married him. Which, if you are wondering, wasn’t because he perfectly places his clothes on hangers in the closet. Recently my husband and I attended a gorgeous wedding together. The most beautiful moments of the wedding (and there were many of them—in word, deed, and environment—led me to mentally acknowledge that every moment of their marriage won’t be nearly this perfect. You know what I mean? In the light of personality shifts or age changes or life circumstances, sometimes it’s easy
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to forget the reason we chose to love this man or woman. Something doesn’t get checked off the honey-do list or the car breaks down for the third time in a week, or his attitude stinks and her mouth needs a zipper. Sometimes, it gets easy to think the marital grass is greener on the other side of the fence—that your friend or relative or acquaintance has a better marriage than you do. Social media often confirms our thoughts of the neighbor’s “dream marriage.” After all, no one ever posts a photo of two people ignoring each other at the dinner table. No one posts a photo of him sleeping on the couch or her curled up in the bathroom, crying. So it’s easy to look at our neighbors or Facebook friends or friends or whomever and wish our marriage was like theirs. But the bottom line is this: when the marital grass starts looking greener on the other side of the fence, there are some things you can do (rather than glaring over the fence, day after day, wishing for greener grass) that might actually be productive. Here are 6 questions to ask yourself when married life seems tough. 1. AM I WATERING? Have I been pouring into my marriage or sucking the life out of it? Without deposits of time, energy and effort going into a marriage, you can be sure it will dry up. As a couple, are we spending time quality together on a regular basis? Am I giving the energy and effort to my spouse (forgiveness, patience) I want to receive from them? 2. AM I FERTILIZING? Have I taken the time to seasonally nourish my spouse? Spelled out plainly: Do I remember important dates in our relationship? Do I encourage my spouse’s goals? Do I praise my spouse’s achievements? 3. AM I PRUNING? Sometimes we need to trim off a few dead ends to keep marriage fresh. When we’ve settled into habits that aren’t appreciated by our spouse, it’s time to get rid of those habits.
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4. AM I WEEDING? If bitterness has taken root and crabgrass is overtaking the whole yard, no wonder the neighbor’s grass is looking better. I once heard my father-in-law pray: “Lord, let us remember not to let the sun go down on our wrath but to forgive one another each day.” 5. AM I SEEDING? Those worn out places of marriage may need a little revitalizing! Do something new together. Try a new restaurant. Plan a weekend trip. Grow new areas of interest together! My hubby and I found running is a wonderful way to seed our marriage. 6. DO WE NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE? How do we know when to seek marital counseling? When either partner feels deeply that outside assistance is needed. There are times when married life doesn’t just seem tough, it is tough. But the questions above are ones that can be used to take a step back and determine if we are ready to be part of the solution.
RACHEL WOJNAROWSKI Rachel Wojnarowski is a sought-after blogger, writer and speaker. She teaches Bible studies in central Ohio and she and her husband, Matt, enjoy caring for their busy family of 7 children. world
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MARRIAGE DOESN’T HAPPEN ON Y O U R W E D D I N G D AY JARED BLACK
About a decade ago, my wife Stephanie and I were enjoying a rare night out together away from our then two young children. We were visiting a church and the service concluded with an opportunity to pair up with someone for prayer. In a casual moment of introduction, we announced to our prayer partner that we had been married for five years. Without a beat, the woman made a statement that has forever altered the way I view marriage. She stated, simply and boldly (with a southern drawl), “five years of marriage? It’s like y’all are in Kindergarten!” Until that moment, I had never considered marriage—especially our marriage— through the lens of a development cycle. Instead, I had somehow assumed marriage was an event that happened on a specific date, in a specific year. As far as I was concerned, I was married…end of story. However, the thought of a five year old—a kindergartener—full of potential, full of questions, and pregnant with a developing future (not to mention all the tantrums, immaturity, and poor communication)—seemed to do a better job describing what my wife and I had been experiencing day-to-day. Suddenly the first five years of our marriage—with the continual struggle to communicate with each other or make mutual decisions without one of us feeling violat-
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ed—came into focus. No wonder we didn’t know exactly how to communicate with one another. No wonder we weren’t experts at conflict resolution or unity or mutual decision-making. We were only five-years old in our marriage (at the time). Would we expect a five-year-old child to be able to write a college essay? Of course not. A fiveyear-old can’t be expected to act or communicate like an adult. And yet it seems we make this mistake often when it comes to marriage. We expect ourselves—or other people—to be able to function likely fully grown adults in marriage, when the truth is we simply haven’t arrived at that stage of growth as a couple. The hope for the five-year-old is not to act like an adult, but to learn what it takes to become an adult—and to be given the tools to grow into a happy, productive, functioning adult. The goal is not to avoid childhood altogether, but to grow out of the childhood eventually—with all it’s vying for attention, temper tantrums, and selfishness and to grow into something more mature. It occurred to me after this experience: what if we looked at our marriages this way? How would it change the way they function? This thought process has lead to the more foundational belief that marriage is an ongoing action discovered with my wife; a development cycle. Marriage isn’t something we accomplished the day we said “I Do”. That was only the beginning of an entirely new being; the “one new flesh” so often referenced during traditional marriage ceremonies was born that day and must continue growing. The day of marriage is not the end of the story, but the beginning. It brings into creation a brand new infant couple, pledging to learn the art of marrying their individual lives into one combined, married, maturing life together. In other words, as much as I am presently married to Stephanie, it is more accurate to say that each day we are actively marrying each other further—as we bring our individual thoughts, responses, fears, and strengths into this intimate bond together. So how does that change how we act as a married couple?
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Most importantly, Steph and I have discovered our primary goal isn’t “learning to be married” in a static sense so much as learning the art of marrying our own individual responses, desires, and efforts in any present moment. Marriage is a moment-by-moment kind of thing. I know that can sound pretty vague, so here’s an example. When we have a conflict, it is most often caused by one of a few things—a difference in the way we see a certain situation, unspoken expectations that aren’t met, or general frustration at the way the other person has handled something. As we approach the problem at hand, we each have different ways of dealing with it (dictated by our past experiences, our temperaments and personalities and also our fears and wounds). This can really easily lead to tension, as we we each seek to solve the conflict in our own individualistic way; through our own lenses, valuing our decision and actions as more “right” or more important than the decisions or actions of our spouse. What we need in that moment isn’t a better marriage. What we need is to embrace the opportunity to marry in that moment. In other words, what we need is to practice a method of resolving (read re-solve) the situation through communication. Since it is clear that I have solved the situation a certain way and she has solved it a different way—or that I have one opinion and she has another—then it becomes equally clear that on that particular issue, we now have an invitation to become married (again). This is nothing to freak out about, but something to verbally acknowledge so that the work of re-solving can produce the intimacy only the ongoing marrying of our two individual lives can bring. The practice of re-solving marital issues revolves around learning to communicate well with your spouse. This takes practice. Two individuals are almost always terrible at this at first (so if you have hard time communicating with your spouse, give yourself some grace). But most unresolved issues in marriage stem around each person’s inability to effectively hear what the other person is saying, and more importantly why they are saying it. Quality communication begins not by being a good talker, but by becoming a great listener.
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Steph and I now jokingly say that the first one of us to hear the other wins the argument. Why? Because is it only by focusing on what the other is saying, getting into their head, seeing the values that were driving their decisions and actions in the moment, can we finally get about the beauty of marrying our two individual worlds into a shared, exciting world of marriage. *This is an excerpt from an interview featured in Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.
JARED BLACK Jared Black is the Vice President of Gabriel Communications and is pursuing a PhD in Religion and Society at Oxford Graduate School.
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6 S H O R T, S W E E T & T W E E TA B L E PIECES OF ADVICE
“The moment you say “I Do”, you set out on your promise to bend not break, give not take, turn toward not away, hold on not stray. You will find that through every change and challenge, this love will test your vows. “I do” will lead you through it all if you’re willing to learn how. For the wedding cake is rich and fresh, but the taste of true love lives in the leftovers.” Christine Carter The Mom Café
“Be infinitely more concerned about the kind of spouse YOU are rather than the kind of spouse your mate is. Spend your life studying how to be the person and spouse God commands you to be in His Word. Be responsible for finding all of your contentment and joy in Christ alone for yourself instead of making your spouse responsible for your spiritual and emotional health. The way you treat your spouse, especially when he/she is sinning against you, is a tangible measure of the level of your actual love, reverence and submission to Christ.”
April Cassidy Peaceful Wife
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“Marriage is not static. It’s not a one-size fits all pair of jeans that will always wear the exact same. The conditions in your marriage may change, but your commitment should not. Marriage doesn’t define us, we define it.”
Paul Angone All Groan Up
Untie yourself from the expectations we all drag into marriage. My ideas of a “perfect marriage” weren’t only unrealistic; they diminished my appreciation of my husband and damaged the relationship. Embracing the real us and jettisoning the perfect ideal living in my head has brought deeper love and greater joy to our relationship. Just perfect, right?!
Amy Carroll Amy Carroll’s Website
Regarding love: Marvel at the many intricacies that make your spouse who they are, exude a spirit of gratitude and discovery, and revel in the blessings of laughter and a times of intimacy. Regarding tension: Seek to understand, forgive readily, and invest time to communicate and work it out. Regarding longevity: Manage your expectations as marriage ebbs and flows through different seasons, seasons of sacrifice or sickness . . . love and learn through them all. Regarding loyalty: Create boundaries, use discernment with social media, and appreciate the ways your relationship inspires you to grow.
Wendy Paine Miller Thoughts That Move
“A healthy marriage takes work. Engage seasons of difficulty with the perspective of wanting to learn and grow through it together, versus getting stuck in the moment by dwelling on the negative. Choose Growth in Marriage.”
Angie Tolpin Angie Tolpin’s Website
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M arriage D oesn ’ t H appen on Y our edding PS. Hope it helped! If wanting more, don’t forgetWto pick upDaay copy of Marriage 9 9
Rebranded; Modern misconceptions and the unnatural art of loving another person. In it, we talk about the ideas and mentalities that often set marriage up to feel unnatural and hard. We also will replace those ideas and mentalities with more timeless and proven ones by looking at the original meaning and purposes of marriage.
“I am not a fan of ‘marriage’ books because they tend to be formulaic and boring. Marriage Rebranded is neither. Witty, entertaining and thoughtfully authentic...” William Paul Young, Author of The Shack “Tyler Ward asks all the right questions about marriage and comes up with compelling answers.” Gary Thomas, Author of Sacred Marriage “Wrapped in refreshing vulnerability, compelling storytelling, and uncommon insight, Marriage Rebranded is an absolute must-read for young couples.” Chance Scoggins, Grammy-winning Producer “In a culture where the sacramental vision of marriage continues to erode, Ward asks the big questions and invites the reader to contemplate the mystery of love.” Jonathan Jackson, 5-time-Emmy-Award Winning Actor
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ABOUT THE BOOKLET Design by JDSN Edited by Allison Vesterfelt Cover Art by Daniel Kim Special thanks to Joel Widmer and Fluxe Digital Marketing.
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