Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited EXCERPTS

Malignant  Self Love  Narcissism Revisited 1 st  EDITION 

8th Revised Impression

EXCERPTS – NOT the full Book!

Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional. The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.

Editing and Design:

Lidija Rangelovska

 A Narcissus Publications Imprint   Prague & Skopje 2007 

© 1999-2007 Copyright Lidija Rangelovska All rights reserved. This book, or any part thereof, may not be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from: Lidija Rangelovska – write to: [email protected] or to [email protected] All rights for this book are for sale. Literary agents and publishers, please contact Lidija Rangelovska.

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ISBN: 9989-929-06-8 Print ISBN: 978-80-238-3384-3

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"Sam Vaknin Vaknin is the world's leading expert on narcissism." Tim Hall, New York Press, Press, Volume 16, Issue 7, February 12, 2003

"Vaknin's a respected expert on malignant narcissists… He set abou aboutt to kn know ow ev ever eryt ythi hing ng ther there e is abou aboutt the the psyc psycho hopa path thic ic narcissist." Ian Walker, ABC Walker, ABC Radio National Background Briefing, Briefing , July 18, 2004

"Sam Vaknin Vaknin is a leading authority on the topic of narcissism." Lisa Angelettie M.S.W., BellaOnline's Mental Health Editor  "What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder" 

"If you wish to get under the skin of a narcissist, if you wish to get to know how he thinks and feels and why he behaves as he does, then this is the book for you." Dr. Anthony Benis, Mount Sinai Hospital, New York  Author "Towards  Author "Towards Self and Sanity – On the Genetic Origins of the Human Character" 

"… This book has an important purpose. I am sure it will be appreciated in a library, classroom or among the mental health profession." Katherine Theriault, Inscriptions Magazine, Vol. 2, Issue 20 

"Sam Vaknin has written THE book on narcissism. Read 'Malignant Self Love' so you will understand that you are NOT crazy, you are just embedded in a crazy making relationship." Liane J. Leedom, M.D., psychiatrist and   Author of "Just Like His Father?" 

"If you want to understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the best, don't look any further. I cannot recommend this book enough to those of you who have this disorder, to families and friends who are trying to understand. Dr. Vaknin has this disorder himself and examines this disorder closely." Patty Pheil, MSW, Webmistress www.mental-health-today.com

"Sam Vaknin's study of narcissism is truly insightful. The author has done probably more than anyone else to educate others to this poorly understood condition. In this, his twelfth book, he shares his his cons consid ider erab able le kn know owle ledg dge e and and ex expe peri rien ence ce of narc narcis issi sism sm in a comprehensive yet easy to read style." Tim Field, late Author and Webmaster  http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully 

"Sam has plugged all the loopholes, exposed all the plots, and introduced a new language to confront the narcissist. Vaknin has composed OVER 100 Frequently Asked Questions, Essays and more, contained in a volume of 600 pages! Sam has designed Malignant Self Love as a 'hands-on' tool that can immediatel immediatelyy bring relief. relief. If you want want to brea breath the e agai again, n, if you are are at your your wits its en end, d, if everything has been tried and failed, if you NEED a change, then Malignant Self Love can give you your life back. This book is a lifesaver!" Kathy Stringer, Webmistress of "Kathy's Mental Health Review"  http://www.toddlertime.com

"I love to read Dr. Sam's material. He lets you into his mind (and what a mind he has!). This book is required reading for any codependent – to understand how the other side works." Dr. Irene Matiatos, Webmisress of Verbal Abuse http://drirene.com

"For many years narcissism was extremely difficult to describe. But now, for the first time, Dr. Vaknin offers much-needed first hand hand accoun accountt of what what Narcis Narcissis sisti ticc Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorder er is lik like. e. Malignant Self Love offers insight and clarity into a complex and difficult to describe disorder." Howard Brown, Webmaster  http://www.4therapy.com

"Th "The 6000 6000+ + member mberss at ou ourr MSN MSN lear learn ning, ing, res esou ourrce and and discussion forums enthusiastically and unanimously recommend Dr. Dr. Vaknin's book Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited. It is an essential and crucial 'Must Read'. Dr. Vaknin dissects and describes nott on no only ly the the mind mind of the the narc narcis issi sist st but but wh what at the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's targ target ets/ s/vi vict ctim imss can can do abou aboutt it. it. Th The e resu result lt:: Ou Ourr me memb mber erss go zooming up the learning curve of understanding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Our members say the knowledge gained is essential for their lawyers who successfully counsel and litigate in cases where narcissists are involved, and our members' therapists who treat both narcissists and their victims and families." Darla Boughton, Owner, Narcissistic Personality Disorder Board  http://groups.msn.com/NARC http://gro ups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSON ISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDE ALITYDISORDER R

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CONTENTS

Throughout this book click on blue-lettered text to navigate to different chapters or to access online resources.

Foreword Prologue Introduction – The Habit of Identity The Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A Primer on Narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Bibliography Frequently Asked Questions

Narcissism – The Disorder  FAQ # 1: FAQ # 2: FAQ # 3: FAQ # 4: FAQ # 5: FAQ # 6: FAQ # 7: FAQ # 8: FAQ # 9: FAQ # 10: FAQ # 11: FAQ # 12: FAQ # 13: FAQ # 14:

The Narcissist's Poor Prognosis Pathological Pathological Narcissism – A Dysfunction or a Blessing? The Energy of Self Self-Love and Narcissism Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviours Ideas of Reference Grandiose Fantasies Grandiosity Hangover and Narcissist Baiting Depression and the Narcissist Narcissistic Rage (Anger as a Source of Personality Disorder) Gender and the Narcissist Homosexual and Transsexual Narcissists Addiction to Fame and Celebrity Conspicuous Existence

FAQ # 15: FAQ # 16: FAQ # 17: FAQ # 18: FAQ # 19: FAQ # 20: FAQ # 21: FAQ # 22: FAQ # 23: FAQ # 24: FAQ # 25: FAQ # 26: FAQ # 27: FAQ # 28: FAQ # 29: FAQ # 30: FAQ # 31: FAQ # 32: FAQ # 33: FAQ # 34: FAQ # 35: FAQ # 36: FAQ # 37: FAQ # 38: FAQ # 39: FAQ # 40: FAQ # 41: FAQ # 42: FAQ # 43: FAQ # 44: FAQ # 45: FAQ # 46: FAQ # 47: FAQ # 48: FAQ # 49: FAQ # 50: FAQ # 51: FAQ # 52: FAQ # 53:

The Narc The Narcis issi sist st's 's React eactio ion n to Defi Defici cien entt Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supply The Delusional Way Out The Compulsive Acts of the Narcissist Narcissistic Routines The Unstable Narcissist Do Narcissists Have Emotions? The Inappropriate Affect The Ubiquitous Narcissist The Narcissist as a Sadist Other People's Pain The Psychology of Torture Multiple Grandiosity False Modesty Warped Reality and Retroactive Emotional Content Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Sign Signal al,, Stim Stimul ulus us and and Hibe Hibern rnat atio ion n Mi Mini ni-Cycles The Th e Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Pen endu dulu lum m and and the the Patho atholo logi gica call Narcissistic Space The Inanimate as a Source of Narcissistic Supply (Narcissistic Branding and Narcissistic Contagion) The Dual Role of the False Self The Stripped Ego The Split-off Ego The Serious Narcissist Narcissists, Disagreements and Criticism Transformations of Aggression Narcissistic Humiliation The Midlife Narcissist To Age with wit h Grace Gr ace The Narcissist and Introspection The Losses of the Narcissist Waiting for Him to Get Better Can a Narcissist Help Himself? Reconditioning Re conditioning the Narcissist Treatment Modalities and Therapies Narcissistic Mirroring The Development of the Narcissist The Narcissist's Mother The Inverted Narcissist Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids Narcissists, Medications and Chemical Imbalances Myths about Narcissism

FAQ # 54: FAQ # 55: FAQ # 56:

FAQ # 57: FAQ # 58: FAQ # 59: FAQ # 60:

The Selfish Gene (The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism) Narcissism – The Psychopathological Default Narcissism, Other Mental Health Disorders, Substance Abuse, and Reckless Behaviours (Co-Morbidity and Dual Diagnosis) Eating Disorders and the Narcissist Can the Narcissist Have a Meaningful Life? A Case Study of an Adolescent Narcissist The Narcissist's Reactions to This Text

Narcissism and Society  FAQ # 61: FAQ # 62: FAQ # 63: FAQ # 64: FAQ # 65: FAQ # 66: FAQ # 67: FAQ # 68: FAQ # 69: FAQ # 70: FAQ # 71: FAQ # 72: FAQ # 73: FAQ # 74: FAQ # 75: FAQ # 76: FAQ # 77: FAQ # 78: FAQ # 79: FAQ # 80: FAQ # 81: FAQ # 82: FAQ # 83: FAQ # 84: FAQ # 85: FAQ # 86:

FAQ # 87: FAQ # 88: FAQ # 89:

A Dream Interpreted How to Recognize a Narcissist? Interacting with a Narcissist The Weapon of Language Exploitation by a Narcissist The Narcissist's Victims Narcissism by Proxy Facilitating Narcissism Narcissists in Positions Positions of Authority For the Love of God The Narcissist and Social Institutions Collective Narcissism (Narcissism, Culture and Society) The Narcissist in Court The Narcissist in the Workplace Responsibility Responsibility and Other Matters The Accountable Narcissist Crime and Punishment: The Never Repenting Narcissist Narcissists, Group Behaviour and Terrorism Is the Narcissist Ever Sorry? A Letter about abo ut Trust Trust Traumas as Social Interactions The Guilt of Others Narcissistic Confinement Narcissistic Allocation Narcissistic Immunity Narcissists, Love and Healing Vindictive Narcissists Narcissists as Mass and Serial Killers Narcissists, Narcissistic Narcissistic Supply and Sources of Supply

Narcissists and Family 

How to Cope with a Narcissist? Narcissists and Women The Spouse/Mate/Partner Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist Investing in a Narcissist The Double Reflection (Narcissistic Couples and Narcissistic Types) FAQ # 95: Narcissistic Parents FAQ # 96: Narcissists and Children FAQ # 97: The Narcissist and His Family FAQ # 98: Narcissists, Sex and Fidelity (The Somatic and the Cerebral Narcissist) FAQ # 99: The Extra-Marital Narcissist FAQ # 100: Mourning the Narcissist FAQ # 101: Surviving the Narcissist FAQ # 102: The Dead Parents FAQ # 90: FAQ # 91: FAQ # 92: FAQ # 93: FAQ # 94:

The Mind of the Narcissist Chapter I: Chapter II: Chapter III: Chapter IV: Chapter V: Chapter VI:

The Soul of a Narcissist – The State of the Art Being Special Uniqueness and Intimacy The Workings of a Narcissist – A Phenomenology The Tortured Tortured Self (The Inner World of the Narcissist) The Emotional Involvement Preventive Preventive Measures

The Author

Online index

Go here: http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html

FOREWORD

Hello. Recognize me? No? Well, you see me all the time. You read my books, watch me on the big screen, feast on my art, cheer at my games, use my inventions, vote me into office, follow me into battle, take notes at my lectures, laugh at my jokes, marvel at my successes, admire my appearance, listen to my stories, discuss my politics, enjoy my music, excuse my faults, envy me my blessings. No? Still doesn't ring a bell? Well, you have seen me. Of that I am positive. In fact, if there is one thing I am absolutely sure of, it is that. You have seen me. Perhaps our paths crossed more privately. Perhaps I am the one who came along and built you up when you were down, employed you when you needed a job, showed the way when you were lost, offe offere red d conf confid iden ence ce wh when en you you we were re doub doubti ting ng,, made made you you laug laugh h when you were blue, sparked your interest when you were bored, listened to you and understood, saw you for what you really are, felt your pain and found the answers, made you want to be alive. Of cour course se you you reco recogn gniz ize e me me.. I am your your insp inspir irat atio ion, n, your your role role model, your saviour, your leader, your best friend, the one you aspire to emulate, the one whose favour makes you glow. But I can also be your worst nightmare. First I build you up because that's what you need. Your skies are blue. Then, out of the blue, I start tearing you down. You let me do it because that's what you are used to. You are dumfounded. But I was wrong to take take pity pity on you. you. You real really ly are incompeten incompetent, t, disrespect disrespectful, ful, untrustworthy, immoral, ignorant, inept, egotistical, constrained, disgus disgustin ting. g. You are a social social embarr embarrass assmen ment, t, an unappr unappreci eciati ative ve partner, an inadequate parent, a disappointment, a sexual flop, a financial liability. liability. I tell you this to your face. I must. It is my right, because it is. I behave, at home and away, in any way I want to, with total disregard for conventions, mores, or the feelings of others. It is my right, because it is. I lie to your face, without a twitch or a twitter, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. In fact, my lies are not lies at all. They are the truth, my truth. And you believe them, because you do, because they do not

sound or feel like lies, because to do otherwise would make you ques questi tion on your your own own sani sanity ty,, wh whic ich h you you have have a ten ende denc ncyy to do anyway, because from the very beginning of our relationship you placed your trust and hopes in me, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from me and from your association with me. So what's the problem if the safe haven I provide comes with a price? Surely I am worth it and then some. Run to our friends. Go. See what that will get you. Ridicule. People believe what they see and what they see is the same wonderful me that you also saw and still do. What they also see is the very mixed up person that you have obviously become. The more you plead for understanding, the more convinced they are that the crazy one is you, the more isolated you feel, and the harder you try to make things right again, not by changing me but by accepting my criticisms and by striving to improve yourself. Could it be that you were wrong about me in the beginning? So wrong as that? How do you think our friends will react if you insist that they are also wrong about me? After all, they know that it real eally is you you wh who o have have thw hwar artted my prog progre ress ss,, taint ainted ed my reputation, and thrown me off course. I disappoint you? Outrageous! It is you who have disappointed me. Look at all he frustrations you cause me. Lucky for you, I have an escape from all this, and fortunately my reputation provides enough insulation from the outside world so I can indulge in this escape with impunity. What escape? Why, those eruptions of rage you dre dread and and fe fear ar.. Ah Ah,, it fe feel elss so good ood to rage. age. It is the the expression of and the confirmation of my power over you, my absolute superiority. Lying feels good too, for the same reason, but nothing compares to the pleasure of exploding for no material reason and venting my anger with total abandon, all the time a spectator at my own show and at your helplessness, pain, fear, frustration, and dependence. In fact my raging is precisely what allows me to stay with you. Go ahead. Tell our friends about it. See if they can imagine what it's like, let alone believe it. The more outrageous the things you say about me, the more convinced they are that it is you who have taken a turn for the worse. And don't expect much more from your therapist either. You may tell him this or that, but what he sees when I visit him is something quite different. So what's the therapist to believe? After all, it was you who came for help. No! That's what this is all about. No! That simple two-letter word that, regardless of how bad I am, you simply cannot say. Who knows? You might even acquire some of my behaviour yourself.

But you know what? This may come as a shock, but I can also be my own worst nightmare. I can and I am. You see, at heart my life is nothing more than illusion-clad confusion. I have no idea why I do what I do, nor do I care to find out. In fact, the mere notion of asking the question is so repulsive to me that I employ all of my resources to repel it. I reconstruct facts, fabricate illusions, act them out, and thus create my own reality. It is a precarious state of existence indeed, so I am careful to include enough demonstrable truth in my illusions to ensure their credibility. credibility. And I am forever testing testing that credibility credibility on you and on the reactions reactions of others. Fortunately my real attributes and accomplishments are in sufficient abundance to fuel my illusions seemingly forever. And modern society, blessed/cursed modern society, values most what I do best and thus serves as my accomplice. Even I get lost in my own illusions, swept away by my own magic. So, So, no nott to wor worry if you stil stilll do no nott recog ogni nize ze me me.. I don' don'tt recognize me either. In fact, I am not really sure who I am. That's probably a question you never ask of yourself. Yet I wonder about it all the time. Perhaps I am not too different from everyone else, just just bett better er.. Af Afte terr all, all, that that's 's the the feed feedba back ck I ge get. t. My admi admire rers rs certainly wish they were me. They just don't have the gifts I have, nor the courage I have to express them. That's what the universe is telling me. Then again, the universe or my universe? As long as the magic of my ill llus usio ions ns work workss on me too, too, the herre rea reall llyy is no nee eed d for distinction. All I need is an abundant fan club to stay on top of it all. all. So I am cons consta tant ntly ly taki taking ng fan fan club club inve invent ntor oryy, test testin ingg the the loyalty of present members with challenges of abuse, writing off defectors with total indifference, and scouting the landscape for new recruits. Do you see my dilemma? I use people who are dependent on me to keep my illusions alive. So really it is I who am dependent on them. I need them to tell me that I don't need them. Sound crazy? It is. And at times it throws me into a rage. But even the rage, that orgasmic release of pain and anger, works better with an audience. On some level I am aware of my illusions, but to admit that would spoil the magic. And that I couldn't bear. So I proclaim that what I do is of no consequence and no different from from wh what at othe others rs do, do, and and thus thus I crea create te an illus illusio ion n abou aboutt my creating illusions. So, no, I don't recognize me any better than you do. I wouldn't dare. Like my fans, I marvel at my own being. Then again, sometimes I wish that I were not the person I am. You find that confusing? How do you think it makes me feel? I need my own magic to stay afloat. Sometimes others like me recruit me into

their magic. But that's ok. As long as we feed off of each other, who's the worse for wear? It only confirms my illusion about my illusions: that I am no different from most other people, just a bit better. But I am different and we both know it, although neither one of us dares to admit it. Therein lies the root of my hostility. I tear you down because in reality I am envious of you because I am different. At some haunting level, I see my magic for what it is and real realiz ize e that that peop people le arou around nd me func functi tion on just just fine fine without any "magic". This terrifies me. Panic stricken, I try all my old tricks: disp displa lays ys of my tale talent nts, s, un unne nece cess ssar aryy dece decept ptio ions ns,, se self lf-s -ser ervi ving ng distortio distortions, ns, skilful skilful seductio seductions, ns, ludicrous ludicrous projections projections,, frighteni frightening ng rages, whatever. Normally, that works. But if it fails, watch out. Like a solar-powered battery in darkness, my fire goes out and I cease to exist. Destruction sets in. That is the key to understanding me. Most people strive for goals and and feel feel go good od wh when en they they appr approa oach ch them them.. Th They ey move move towa toward rd some someth thin ingg posi positi tive ve.. If they they ge gett ther there, e, or ev even en clos close, e, rece receiv ive e recognition, enjoy the moment, and show their enjoyment, it is the genuine celebration of genuine self-worth. Even though it may invoke envy or criticism of self-aggrandizement, it is still a real expression of what they really appreciate in who they are and what they do. It is, in a word, real. Not so for me. I move in the same direction but my movement is not toward something positive but away from something negative, something unreal. That's why I never stop, am never content, no matter what I achieve. I never get "there" because there is no "there" for me to get. That negative thing seems to follow me around like a shadow. I dowse myself in the light of praise and the lightt fades, ligh fades, but that's that's all it does. Like a moth, I renew the chase, chase, again and again, and each time I succumb to it, again and again. Can you tell the difference between the real thing and me, between people who genuinely enjoy celebrating themselves and some someon one e like like me wh who o me mere rely ly pret preten ends ds to? to? Usua Usuall llyy no not. t. Th The e difference, you see, is not in the behaviour you observe. It's in the motivation. Sure, I look like them and they look like me. But we are not the same. Not at all. If by chance you are witness to one of my inexplicable Jeckylland-Hyde personality changes, you might suspect that something is amiss. But you quickly pass it off as an exception to the rule, for I am quick to revert to "normal". Witnessing several changes might make you pause a little longer. longer. But it takes an awful lot before you trul trulyy en ente tert rtai ain n the the frig fright hten enin ingg poss possib ibil ilit ityy that that thes these e abru abrupt pt

changes might not be the exception, rather the rule. But then what? You – a self-doubter by nature – might be the only one to see behind the mask. Alone Alone with your secret, it will drive you mad. Where did it come from, this negativity? Probably from before I learned to talk. When you were exploring your world for the first time, with the usual little toddler mishaps, your mother kept a careful eye on you, intervened when she saw you heading for danger, and comforted you when you made a mistake, even if you cried. Well, Well, that's not how it was for me. My mother's expectations of me were much higher. Mistakes were mistakes and crying was not the way to get her approval. That required being perfect, so that's exactly what I become. Not the little awkward toddler that I was, but my mother's model child. Not the brave and curious little person that I really was, but the fearful personification of my mother's ideal. What you were experiencing through your little mishaps and mistakes were small doses of shame. What you were learning from your quick recoveries was shame repair. At first your mother did most of the repairing. Through repetition, you gradually learned how to do it by yourself. Shame repair brain circuitry was being laid down that would carry you for the rest of your life. I had no such luck. I simply did not acquire that skill when nature had intended my brain to acquire it. Instea Instead d I acquir acquired ed someth something ing els else: e: a sen sense se of nee needle dlessn ssness ess.. That's right, needlessness. Since Mother wouldn't help me where I needed it most, I learned to pretend that I did not need her. I became tough, self-assured, a know-it-all, a do-it-all, an achiever, a leader. And you know what? It worked. By pretending not to need Mother, I got what I needed from her, her love. Well, at least a semblance of love, in the form of approval and encouragement. Naturally, I tried this out on the rest of the world, and it worked again. All I needed to do was show others that I did not need them. How? By pretending, of course. Pretending that I knew more and could do more than they did, that I was above the rules of accepted behaviour, that I was special, that I, like Peter Pan, could do and get away with anything I wanted to. And An d they they play played ed alon along, g, perf perfec ectl tlyy, with with all all the the affi affirm rmat atio ions ns needed to sustain the show. It didn't work on everybody, of course. It was usually the neediest who were drawn to my needlessness, so I beca became me an ex expe pert rt at sn snif iffi fing ng them them ou outt with within in se seco cond nds. s. An illusion? Sure. But by then that's what I had become. Exploitation? Right again. But they were exploiting me too. I gave them what they needed and they followed behind me like obedient sheep.

Just as you do to this day! Little did they know that I needed them every bit as much as they needed me. But there was no way I could ever admit that. For most people, to need others is normal, an accepted part of who they are, of being human. For me, to need anything is to accept that my needlessness is all a sham. If that dissolves, there is nothing left. At least that's what I fear. fear. The sense of needlessness is my addiction. Am I ashamed of that? Yes, Yes, I am. But even greater is my fear of the shame I might experience in facing life without it. No one enjoys shame. But most people can deal with it. Not me. I fear it the way you fear snakes. You will go to great lengths to avoid stepping on a snake. I go to great lengths to avoid stepping on shame. How many others like me are there? More than you might think, and our numbers are increasing. Take twenty people off the street and you might well find one whose mind ticks so much like mine that you could consider us clones. Impossible, you say. It is simply not poss possib ible le for for that hat many many peop people le – hig highly hly acc accompl omplis ish hed, ed, respected, and visible people – to be out there replacing reality with illusions, each in the same way and for reasons they know not why. It is simply not possible for so many shame-phobic robots of havoc and chaos, all fitting the same description, to function daily midst midst other educated, educated, intelligen intelligent, t, and experience experienced d individual individuals, s, and pass pass for for no norrmal. mal. It is simply mply no nott poss possib ible le for su succh an aberra aberratio tion n of hum human an cognit cognition ion and behavi behaviour our to infilt infiltrat rate e and infect the population iin n such numbers and such similarity, similarity, virtually unde un dete tect cted ed by the the rada radarr of me ment ntal al he heal alth th prof profes essi sion onal als. s. It is simply not possible for so much similar visible positive to contain so much concealed similar negative. It is simply not possible. But it is. That is the enlightenment of Narcissism Revisited  by Sam Vaknin. Sam is himself one such clone. What distinguishes him is his his un unch char arac acte teri rist stic ic cour courag age e to conf confro ront nt,, and and his his un unca cann nnyy understanding of, that which makes us tick, himself included. Not only does Sam dare ask and then answer the question we clones avoi avoid d lik like e the the plag plague ue,, he does does so with with rele relent ntle less ss,, lase laserr-li like ke precision. Read his book. Take your seat at the double-headed microscope and let Sam guide you through the dissection. Like a brain surgeon operating on himself, Sam explores and exposes the alien among us, hoping beyond hope for a resectable tumour but find findin ingg inst instea ead d each each and and ev ever eryy ce cell ll teem teemin ingg with with the the same same resistant virus. The operation is long and tedious, and at times frightening and hard to believe. Read on. The parts exposed are as they are, despite what may seem hyperbolic or farfetched. Their

vali validi dity ty migh mightt no nott hit ho home me un unti till late laterr, wh when en coup couple led d with with memories of past events and experiences. I am, as I said, my own worst nightmare. True, the world is replete with my contributions, and I am lots of fun to be around. And An d true true,, most most cont contri ribu buti tion onss like like mine mine are are no nott the the resu result lt of troubled souls. But many more than you might want to believe are. And if by chance you get caught in my web, I can make your life a living hell. But remember this. I am in that web too. The difference between you and me is that you can get out. Ken Heilbrunn, M.D. Seattle, Washington, USA [email protected]

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INTRODUCTION

The Habit of Identity

Warning and Disclaimer  The contents of this book are not meant to substitute for professional help help and and couns counselli elling. ng. The reader readerss are discou discourag raged ed from from using using it for  diag diagno nost stic ic or ther therap apeu euti ticc ends. ends. The The diag diagno nosi siss and and trea treatm tmen entt of the the Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Pers Person onal alit ity y Diso Disord rder er can can only only be done done by prof profes essi sion onal alss specifically trained and qualified to do so – which the author is not. The author is NOT a mental health professional, though he is certified by  Brainbench in Mental Health Counselling Techniques.

In a famous experiment, students were asked to take a lemon home and to get used to it. Three days later, they were able to single out "their" lemon from a pile of rather similar ones. They seemed to have bonded. Is this the true meaning of love love,, bonding, coupling? Do we simply get used to other human beings, pets, or objects? Habit forming in humans is reflexive. We change ourselves and our environment in order to attain maximum comfort and well being. It is the effort that goes into these adaptive processes that forms a habit. The habit is intended to prevent us from constant experimenting and risk taking. The greater our well being, the better we function and the longer we survive. Actually, Actually, when we get used to something or to someone – we get used to ourselves. In the object of the habit we see a part of our hist histor oryy, all the the time time and and ef effo fort rt we had had put put into into it. it. It is an enca en caps psul ulat ated ed ve vers rsio ion n of ou ourr acts, cts, inte intent ntio ions ns,, em emot otio ions ns and and reactions. It is a mirror reflecting that part in us which formed the habit in the first place. Hence, the feeling of comfort: we really

feel comfortable with our own selves through the agency of our habitual objects. Because of this, we tend to confuse habits with identity. When asked WHO they are, most people resort to communicating their habits. They describe their work, their loved ones, their pets, their their hobbie hobbies, s, or their their materi material al posses possessio sions. ns. Yet, surely surely,, all of these do not constitute identity! Removing them does not change who we are. They are habits and they make people comfortable and relaxed. But they are not part of one's identity in the truest, deepest sense. Still, it is this simple mechanism of deception that binds people together. A mother feels that her offspring are part of her identity because she is so used to them that her well-being depends on their existence and availability. Thus, any threat to her children is perceived by her as a threat to her own Self. Her reaction is, therefore, strong and enduring and can be recurrently elicited. The truth, of course, is that her children ARE a part of her identity in a superficial manner. Removing them will make her a different person, but only in the shallow, phenomenological sense of the word. Her deep-set, true identity will not change as a result. Children do die at times and the mother does go on living, essentially unchanged. But what is this kernel of identity that I am referring to? This immutable entity which is who we are and what we are and which, ostensibly, is not influenced by the death of our loved ones? What can resist the breakdown of habits that die hard? It is ou ourr pers person onal alit ityy. Th This is elus elusiv ive, e, loose loosely ly inte interc rcon onne nect cted ed,, intera interacti cting, ng, patter pattern n of reacti reactions ons to our changi changing ng env enviro ironme nment. nt. Like the Brain Brain,, it is difficult to define or to capture. Like the Soul, many any bel believe ieve that that it does does no nott ex exis istt, that hat it is a fic fictitio itious us convention. Yet, we know that we do have a personality. We feel it, we experience it. It sometimes encourages us to do things – at other times, it prevents us from doing them. It can be supple or rigid, ben enig ign n or mali malign gnan antt, ope open or clos losed. ed. Its powe powerr lies lies in its its netw ne twor orke ked d loos loosen enes ess. s. It is able able to comb combin ine, e, reco recomb mbin ine e and and permute in hundreds of unforeseeable ways. It metamorphoses and the constancy of these changes is what gives us a sense of identity. Actually, when the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to shifting circumstances – we say that it is disordered. One has a personality disorder when one's habits substitute for one's identity. identity. Such a person identifies himself

with ith his his en envi viro ronm nmen ent, t, taki taking ng beha behavi viou oura ral, l, em emot otio iona nal, l, and and cognitive cues exclusively from it. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated, his True Self merely an apparition. Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. He is incapable of loving because to love another one must first love oneself. And, in the absence absence of a Self that is impossible impossible.. And, in the long-term, long-term, he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards multiple goals, a striving, a drive at something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change, does not live. What is Personality and What is Normal?

In thei theirr opus opus magn magnum um "Per "Perso sona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder erss in Mo Mode dern rn Life Life", ", Theodore Millon and Ro Roger ger Davis define personality as: "(A) "(A) comp comple lex x patt patter ern n of deep deeply ly embe embedd dded ed psyc psycho holo logi gica call characteristics that are expressed automatically in almost every  area of psychological functioning." [p. 2]

The Diag The Diagno nost stic ic and and Stat Statis isti tica call Manu Manual al (DSM (DSM)) )) IV-T IV-TR R [200 [2000] 0],, publ publis ishe hed d by the the Am Amer eric ican an Psyc Psychi hiat atri ricc As Asso soci ciat atio ion, n, defi define ness personality traits as: "(E)nd "(E)nduri uring ng patter patterns ns of percei perceiving ving,, relati relating ng to, and thinki thinking ng about the environment and oneself that are exhibited in a wide range of social and personal contexts." [p. 686]

Laymen often confuse and confute "personality" with "character" and "temperament". Ourr temp Ou temper eram amen entt is the the biol biolog ogic ical al-g -gen enet etic ic temp templa late te that that interacts with our environment. Our temperament is a set of in-built dispositions we are born with. It is mostly unalterable (though recent studies demonstrate that the brain is far more plastic and elastic than we thought). In other words, our temperament is our nature. Ourr char Ou haract acter is larg largel elyy the ou outtcom come of the the pro proce cess ss of soci social aliz izat atio ion, n, the the acts acts and and impr imprin ints ts of ou ourr en envi viro ronm nmen entt and and nurture on our psyche during the formative years (0-6 years and in adolescence). Ourr ch Ou char arac acte terr is the the se sett of all all acqu acquir ired ed ch char arac acte teri rist stic icss we posses, often judged in a cultural-social context. Some Somettimes imes the the inte interp rpla layy of all all thes these e fact factor orss resu result ltss in an abnormal personality. Persona ersonalit lityy disorde disorders rs are dysfun dysfuncti ctions ons of our whole whole identi identity ty,, tears in the fabric of who we are. They are all-pervasive because our personality is ubiquitous and permeates each and every one of our mental cells.

In the background lurks the question: what constitutes normal behaviour? Who is normal? There is the statistical response: the average and the common are normal. But it is an unsatisfactory and incomplete answer. Conf Confor ormi ming ng to soci socia al edic edicts ts and and more moress does does no nott gu guar aran ante tee e normalcy. normalcy. Think about anomic societies and periods of history such as Hitl Hitler er's 's Germ German anyy or Stal Stalin in's 's Rus ussi sia. a. Mo Mode dell citi citize zens ns in thes these e hellish environments were the criminal and the sadist. Rather than look to the outside for a clear definition, many mental men tal health health profes professio sional nalss ask: ask: is the patien patientt fun funct ction ioning ing and happy (ego-syntonic)? If he or she is both then all is well and norm no rmal al.. Abno Abnorm rmal al trai traits ts,, beha behavi viou ours rs,, and and pers person onal alit itie iess are, are, therefore defined as those traits, behaviours, and personalities that are dysfunctional and cause subjective distress. But, But, of cour course se,, this this defi defini niti tion on fall fallss flat flat on its its face face at the the slightest scrutiny. Many evidently mentally ill people are rather happy and reasonably functional. Some scholars reject the concept of "normalcy" altogether. The anti anti-p -psy sych chia iatr tryy move moveme ment nt obje object ct to the the me medi dica cali liza zati tion on and and pathologization of whole swathes of human conduct. Others prefer to study the disorders themselves rather to "go metaphysical" by trying to distinguish them from an imaginary and ideal state of being "mentally healthy". I subscribe to the later approach. I much prefer to delve into the phe heno nom men enol olog ogyy of me ment nta al he heal altth disor isorde ders rs:: the heir ir trait raits, s, characteristics, characteristics, and impact on others. Appendix for Mental Health Professionals

The Myth of Mental Illness "You can know the name of a bird in all the languages of the world, but when you're finished, you'll know absolutely nothing whatever about the bird… So let's look at the bird and see what it's doing – that's what counts. I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something."  [Richard Feynman, Physicist and 1965 Nobel Prize laureate (1918-1988)]

"You "You have all I dare say heard of the animal spirits and how they  are transfused from father to son etcetera etcetera – well you may take my word that nine parts in ten of a man's man's sense or his nonsense, his successes and miscarriages in this world depend on their motions and activities, and the different tracks and trains you you put put them them into into,, so that that when when they they are are once once set set a-go a-goin ing, g,

whether whether right or wrong, wrong, away away they go clutte clutterin ring g like like hey-gohey-gomad."  [Law [Lawre renc nce e Ster Sterne ne (171 (17133-17 1758 58), ), "The "The Life Life and and Opin Opinio ions ns of Tristra ristram m Shandy, Gentleman", 1759]

Overview 

Someone is considered mentally "ill" if: 1. His conduct rigidly and consistently consistently deviates from the typical, typical, aver averag age e beha behavi viou ourr of all all othe otherr peop people le in his his cu cult ltur ure e and and soci societ etyy that that fit fit his prof profil ile e (whe (wheth ther er this this conv conven enti tion onal al behaviour is moral or rational is immaterial), or 2. His His judg judgem emen entt and and gras grasp p of obje object ctive ive,, phys physic ical al real realit ityy is impaired, and 3. His His con ondu ducct is no nott a matt matter er of ch choi oicce but but is inna innatte and irresistible, and 4. His behaviour behaviour causes causes him or others discom discomfort, fort, and and is 5. Dysfunctional, self-defeating, and self-destructive self-destructive even even by his own yardsticks. Desc Descri ript ptiv ive e crit criter eria ia asid aside, e, wh what at is the ESSE ESSENC NCE E of me ment ntal al disorders? Are they merely physiological disorders of the brain, or, more more prec precis isel elyy of its its ch chem emis istr try? y? If so, so, can can they they be cu cure red d by rest restor orin ingg the the bala balanc nce e of su subs bsta tanc nces es and and se secr cret etio ions ns in that that myster mysteriou iouss organ? organ? And, once once equili equilibri brium um is reinst reinstate ated d – is the illness "gone" or is it still lurking there, "under wraps", waiting to erupt? Are psychiatric problems inherited, rooted in faulty genes (though amplified by environmental factors) – or brought on by abusive or wrong nurturance? Thes Th ese e ques questi tion onss are are the the doma domain in of the the "med "medic ical al"" scho school ol of mental health. Others cling to the spiritual view of the human psyche. They beli believ eve e that that me ment ntal al ailm ailmen ents ts amoun mountt to the the me meta taph phys ysic ical al discomposure of an unknown medium – the soul. Theirs is a holistic approach, taking in the patient in his or her entirety, entirety, as well as his milieu. The member memberss of the fun functi ctiona onall school school regard regard men mental tal health health disorders disorders as perturbati perturbations ons in the proper proper, statistic statistically ally "normal", "normal", beha behavi viou ours rs and and mani manife fest stat atio ions ns of "hea "healt lthy hy"" indi indivi vidu dual als, s, or as dysfunctions. The "sick" individual – ill at ease with himself (egodystonic) or making others unhappy (deviant) – is "mended" when rendered functional again by the prevailing standards of his social and cultural frame of reference. In a way, the three schools are akin to the trio of blind men who render disparate descriptions of the very same elephant. Still,

they they sh shar are e no nott on only ly thei theirr su subj bjec ectt matt matter er – but, but, to a coun counte terr intuitively large degree, a faulty methodology. As the renowned anti-psychiatrist, Thomas Szasz, of the State University of New York, notes in his article "The Lying Truths of Psyc Psychi hiat atry ry", ", me ment ntal al he heal alth th scho schola lars rs,, rega regardl rdles esss of acad academ emic ic predil predilect ection, ion, infer infer the aetiol aetiology ogy of men mental tal disord disorders ers from from the success or failure of treatment modalities. This form of "reverse engineering" of scientific models is not unknown in other fields of science, nor is it unacceptable if the experiments meet the criteria of the scientific method. The theory must be all-inclusive (anamnetic), consistent, falsifiable, logically comp compat atib ible le,, mono monova vale lent nt,, and and pars parsim imon onio ious us.. Psyc Psycho holo logi gica call "theories" – even the "medical" ones (the role of Serotonin and Dopamine in mood disorders, for instance) – are usually none of these things. The Th e ou outc tcom ome e is a bewi bewild lder erin ingg array array of ev ever er-s -shi hift ftin ingg me ment ntal al health "diagnoses" expressly centred around Western civilization and its standa standards rds (ex (examp ample: le: the ethic ethical al object objection ion to suicid suicide). e). Neuro Neurosis sis,, a histor historica ically lly fun fundam dament ental al "condi "conditio tion" n" vanish vanished ed after after 1980 1980.. Homo Homose sexu xual alit ityy, acco accord rdin ingg to the the Am Amer eric ican an Psyc Psychi hiat atri ricc Assoc As sociat iation ion,, was a pathol pathology ogy prior prior to 1973. 1973. Seven Seven years years later later,, narci narcissi ssism sm was declar declared ed a "perso "personal nality ity disord disorder" er",, almost almost seven seven decades after it was first described by Freud. The Biochemistry and Genetics of Mental Health

Certai Certain n men menta tall health health afflic afflictio tions ns are either either correl correlate ated d with with a statistically abnormal biochemical activity in the brain – or are ameliorated with medication. Yet Yet the two FACTS FACTS are not ineludibly facets of THE SAME underlying phenomenon. In other words, that a given medicine reduces or abolishes certain symptoms does not nec ece essar ssaril ilyy me mea an the heyy we were re CAU CAUSED SED by the proc proces esse sess or substances affected by the drug administered. Causation is only one of many possible connections and chains of events. To designate a pattern of behaviour as a mental health disorder is a value judgement, or at best a statistical observation. Such designation is effected regardless of the facts of brain science. Moreover, correlation is not causation. Deviant brain or body biochemistry (once called "polluted animal spirits") do exist – but are they truly the roots of mental perversion? Nor is it clear which trigg triggers ers what: what: do the aberra aberrant nt neu neuroc rochem hemist istry ry or bioche biochemis mistry try cause mental illness – or the other way around? That That psycho psychoac activ tive e medica medicatio tion n alter alterss behavi behaviour our and mood mood is indisputable. So do illicit and legal drugs, certain foods, and all

interp interperso ersonal nal intera interacti ctions ons.. That That the change changess brough broughtt about about by prescription are desirable – is debatable and involves tautological thinking. If a certain pattern of behaviour is described as (socially) "dysfunctional" or (psychologically) "sick" – clearly, every change would be welcomed as "healing" and every agent of transformation would be called a "cure". The Th e same same appl applie iess to the the alle allege ged d he here redi dity ty of me ment ntal al illn illnes ess. s. Single genes or gene complexes are frequently "associated" with mental health diagnoses, personality traits, or behaviour patterns. But But too too litt little le is kn know own n to es esta tabl blis ish h irre irrefu futa tabl ble e se seque quenc nces es of causes-and-effects. Even less is proven about the interaction of nature and nurture, genotype and phenotype, the plasticity of the brain and the psychological impact of trauma, abuse, upbringing, role models, peers, and other environmental elements. Nor is the distinction between psychotropic substances and talk ther therap apyy that that clea clearr-cu cut. t. Words ords and and the the inte intera ract ctio ion n with with the the therapist also affect the brain, its processes and chemistry – albeit more more slow slowly ly and, and, perh perhap aps, s, more more prof profou ound ndly ly and and irre irreve vers rsib ibly ly.. Medi Me dici cine ness – as Davi David d Kais Kaiser er remi remind ndss us in "Aga "Again inst st Biol Biolog ogic ic Psychiatr Psychiatry" y" [Psychiat [Psychiatric ric Times, Volume XIII, XIII, Issue Issue 12, December December 1996] – treat symptoms, not the underlying processes that yield them. The Variance of Mental Disease

If me ment ntal al illn illnes esse sess are are bodi bodily ly and and em empi piri rica cal, l, they they sh shou ould ld be inva invari rian antt both both temp tempor oral ally ly and and spat spatia iall llyy, acro across ss cu cult ltur ures es and and societies. This, to some degree, is, indeed, the case. Psychological diseases are not context dependent – but the pathologizing of certain behaviours is. Suicide, substance abuse, narcissism, eating disorders, antisocial ways, schizotypal symptoms, depression, even psyc psycho hosi siss are are cons consid ider ered ed sick sick by some some cu cult ltur ures es – and and utte utterl rlyy normative or advantageous in others. This was to be expected. The human mind and its dysfunctions are alike around the world. But values differ from time to time and from one place to another. Hence, disagreements about the propriety and desirability of human actions and inaction are bound to arise in a symptom-based diagnostic system. As long as the PSEUDO-MEDICAL definitions of mental health disorders continue to rely exclusively on signs and symptoms – i.e., most ostly on obse bserved rved or repor eporte ted d beha behavi vio ours urs – the heyy rema remain in vulnerable to such discord and devoid of much-sought universality and rigour.

 Mental Disorders and the Social Order 

The mentally sick receive the same treatment as carriers of AIDS or SARS SARS or the the Ebol Ebola a viru viruss or smal smallp lpox ox.. Th They ey are are some someti time mess quar quaran anti tine ned d agai agains nstt thei theirr will will and and coer coerce ced d into into invo involu lunt ntar aryy treat treatmen mentt by medica medicatio tion, n, psycho psychosur surger geryy, or elect electroc roconv onvuls ulsive ive therapy. This is done in the name of the greater good, largely as a preventive policy. Conspiracy theories notwithstanding, it is impossible to ignore the enormous interests vested in psychiatry and psychopha psychopharmaco rmacology logy.. The multibillio multibillion n dollar industries industries involving involving drug companies, hospitals, managed healthcare, private clinics, academic departments, and law enforcement agencies rely, for their continued and exponential growth, on the propagation of the concep conceptt of "menta "mentall illnes illness" s" and its coroll corollari aries: es: treat treatmen mentt and research.  Mental Ailment Ailment as a Useful Metaphor 

Abst bstrac ract con conce cep pts for form the core core of all bran branch ches es of hu huma man n knowledge. No one has ever seen a quark, or untangled a chemical bon ond, d, or surf urfed an elect lectro roma maggne neti ticc wave wave,, or visit isite ed the the unconscious. These are useful metaphors, theoretical entities with explanatory or descriptive power. "Mental health disorders" are no different. They are shorthand for captur capturing ing the uns unsett ettlin lingg quiddi quiddity ty of "the "the Other Other". ". Useful Useful as taxonomies, they are also tools of social coercion and conformity, as Michel Foucault and Louis Althusser observed. Relegating both the dangerous and the idiosyncratic to the collective fringes is a vital technique of social engineering. The aim is progress through social cohesion and the regulation of innova inn ovatio tion n and creati creative ve destru destructi ction. on. Psychi Psychiatr atryy, theref therefore ore,, is reifies society's preference of evolution to revolution, or, worse still, to mayhem. As is often the case with human endeavour, it is a noble cause, unscrupulously and dogmatically pursued. The Insanity Defence "It is an ill thing to knock against a deaf-mute, an imbecile, or a minor. He that wounds them is culpable, but if they wound him they are not culpable."  [Mishna, Babylonian Talmud]

If men mental tal illnes illnesss is cu cultu lturere-dep depende endent nt and mostly mostly serves serves as an organizing social principle – what should we make of the insanity defence (NGRI – Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity)?

A person is held not responsible for his criminal actions if s/he cannot tell right from wrong ("lacks substantial capacity either to appr apprec ecia iate te the the crim crimin inal alit ityy (wro (wrong ngfu fuln lnes ess) s) of his his cond conduc uct" t" – diminished capacity), did not intend to act the way he did (absent "mens rea") and/or could not control his behaviour ("irresistible impuls impulse") e").. The These se handic handicaps aps are often often associ associate ated d with with "menta "mentall disease or defect" or "mental retardation". Mental health professionals prefer to talk about an impairment of a "person's "person's perception or understanding of reality". reality ". They hold a "guilty but mentally ill" verdict to be contradiction in terms. All "men "menta tall llyy-iill ll"" peop people le oper operat ate e wit within hin a (us usua uall llyy cohe cohere rent nt)) worldview, with consistent internal logic, and rules of right and wrong (ethics). Yet, these rarely conform to the way most people perceive the world. The mentally-ill, therefore, cannot be guilty because s/he has a tenuous grasp on reality. Yet, experience teaches us that a criminal maybe mentally ill even as s/he maintains a perfect reality test and thus is held crim crimin inal ally ly resp respon onsi sibl ble e (Jef (Jeffr frey ey Dahm Dahmer er come comess to mind mind). ). Th The e "perception and understanding of reality", in other words, can and does co-exist even with the severest forms of mental illness. This makes it even more difficult difficult to comprehend comprehend what is meant by "men "menta tall dise diseas ase" e".. If some some me ment ntal ally ly ill ill main mainta tain in a gras grasp p on reality, know right from wrong, can anticipate the outcomes of their actions, are not subject to irresistible impulses (the official position of the American Psychiatric Association) – in what way do they differ from us, "normal" folks? This is why the insanity defence often sits ill with mental health pathologies deemed socially "acceptable" and "normal" – such as religion or love love.. Consider the following case: A mother bashes the skulls of her three sons. Two of them die. She claims to have acted on instructions she had received from God. God. She She is foun found d no nott gu guil ilty ty by reas reason on of insa insani nity ty.. Th The e jury jury determined that she "did not know right from wrong during the killings"". killings But why exactly was she judged insane? Her belief in the existence of God – a being with inordinate and  inhuman attributes – may be irrational.

But it does not constitute insanity in the strictest sense because it conforms to social and cultural creeds and codes of conduct in her milieu milieu.. Billio Billions ns of people people faithf faithfull ullyy subsc subscrib ribe e to the the same same ideas, adhere to the same transcendental rules, observe the same mystical rituals, and claim to go through the same experiences.

This shared psychosis is so widespread that it can no longer be deemed pathological, statistically speaking. She claimed that God has spoken to her.

As do nu nume mero rous us othe otherr peop people le.. Beha Behavi viou ourr that that is cons consid ider ered ed psychotic (paranoid-schizophrenic) in other contexts is lauded and admired in religious circles. Hearing voices and seeing visions – auditory and visual delusions – are considered rank manifestations of righteousness and sanctity. Perhaps it was the content of her hallucinations that proved her insane? She She clai claime med d that that God God had had inst instru ruct cted ed her her to kill kill her her boys boys.. Surely, Surely, God would not ordain o rdain such evil? 

Alas, the Old and New Testaments both contain examples of God's appetite for human sacrifice. Abraham was ordered by God to sacrifice Isaac, his beloved son (though this savage command was rescinded at the last moment). Jesus, the son of God himself, was crucified to atone for the sins of humanity. A divine injunction to slay one's offspring would sit well with the Holy Scriptures and the Apocrypha as well as with millennia-old Judeo-Christian traditions of martyrdom and sacrifice. Her actions were wrong and incommensurate with both human and divine (or natural) laws.

Yes, but they were perfectly in accord with a literal inte interp rpre reta tati tion on of ce cert rtai ain n divi divine nely ly-i -ins nspi pire red d text texts, s, mill millen enni nial al scri script ptur ures, es, apoc apocal alyp ypti ticc thou though ghtt syst system ems, s, and and fund fundam amen enta talis listt religious ideologies (such as the ones espousing the imminence of "rup "ruptu ture re") ").. Unle Unless ss on one e decl declar ares es thes these e doct doctri rine ness and and writ writin ings gs insane, her actions are not. We are forced to the conclusion that the murderous mother is perfectly sane. Her frame of reference is different to ours. Hence, her definitions of right and wrong are idiosyncratic. To her, killing her babies was the right thing to do and in conformity with valued tea teach chin ings gs and and he herr own own epip epipha hany ny.. Her Her gras grasp p of real realit ityy – the the imme immedi diat ate e and and late laterr cons conseq eque uenc nces es of he herr acti action onss – was was ne neve verr impaired. It woul would d se seem em that that sani sanity ty and and insa insani nity ty are are rela relati tive ve term terms, s, depe depend nden entt on fram frames es of cu cult ltur ural al and and soci social al refe refere renc nce, e, and and stat statist istica ically lly define defined. d. The There re isn't isn't – and, and, in princi principle ple,, can nev never er emerge eme rge – an "objec "objectiv tive", e", medica medical, l, scien scientif tific ic test test to determ determine ine mental health or disease unequivocally. Adaptation and Insanity

"Normal" people adapt to their environment – both human and natural. "Abnormal" ones try to adapt their environment – both human and natural – to their idiosyncratic needs/profile. If they succeed, their environment, both human (society) and natural is pathologized. Sam Vaknin

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Malignant  Self Love  Narcissism Revisited

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A Primer on Narcissism And the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Most narcissists are men. This is why I use male pronouns throughout this book.

What is Pathological Narcissism?

Patho atholo logi gica call narc narcis issi sism sm is a life life-l -lon ongg pat pattern tern of trai traits ts and and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition. As dist distin inct ct from from healt healthy hy narc narcissism issism wh whic ich h we all all poss posses ess, s, path pathol olog ogic ical al narc narcis issi sism sm is mala malada dapt ptiv ive, e, rigi rigid, d, pers persis isti ting ng,, and and causes significant distress, and functional impairment. Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud in his essay "On Narcissism" [1915]. Other major contributors to the study of narcissism are: Melanie Klein, Karen Horney, Franz Kohut, Otto Kernberg, Theodore Millon, Elsa Roningstam, J.G. Gunderson, and Robert Hare. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

The Narcissi ssistic Personality Diso isorder (NPD) is a form of pathological narcissism. It is a Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) Persona Personality lity Disorder Disorder.. Other Cluster B personality disorders are are the the Bord Border erli line ne Perso ersona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder er (BPD (BPD), ), the the An Anti tiso soci cial al Personality Disorder (APD), and the Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). The Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder (NPD) first appeared as a me ment ntal al he heal alth th diag diagno nosi siss in the the DSMDSM-II IIII-TR TR (Dia (Diagn gnos osti ticc and and Statistical Manual) in 1980. Diagnostic Criteria

The Narc Narcis issi sisstic tic Pers erson onal alit ityy Diso isorder rder (NPD (NPD)) is not a ne new w psyc psycho holo logi gica call cons constr truc uct. t. In prev previo ious us ce cent ntur urie iess it was was call called ed "egotism" or "megalomania". It is an extreme form of pathological narcissism. The ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases), published by the the World orld Heal Health th Orga Organi niza zati tion on in Gene Geneva va [199 [1992] 2],, does does no nott include the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It regards it as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics"  and puts it together with other bizarre dysfunctions such as, "haltlose", immatu immature, re, passiv passive-a e-agg ggres ressiv sive, e, and psycho psychoneu neurot rotic ic person personali ality ty diso disord rder erss and and type typess in a catc catcha hall ll cate catego gory ry:: "O "Oth ther er Spec Specif ific ic Personality Personality Disorders". The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edit editio ion, n, Tex extt Rev evis isio ion n (DSM (DSM-I -IV V-TR) -TR) [200 [2000] 0],, publ publis ishe hed d by the the American Psychiatric Association, based in Washington D.C., USA, provid provides es the diagno diagnosti sticc criter criteria ia for the Narcis Narcissis sisti ticc Persona ersonalit lityy Disorder (NPD) [301.81] on page 717. The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually  beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts" ,

such as family life and work. Five or more of the DSM's nine diagnostic criteria must be met for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to be rendered. [In [In the the text text belo below w, I have have prop propos osed ed modi modifficat icatio ions ns to the the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder. My modifications appear in italics.] [My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSMIV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.] [Click here to down downlo load ad a bibliography of the the stud studie iess and and research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on which I based my proposed revisions.] Proposed Amended Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder 

• Fee eels ls grandi andios ose e and selfelf-im impo port rtan antt (e (e..g., ex exa agg gge erat rates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality  personality  trai traits ts to the the poin pointt of lyin lying g, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); achievements); • Is obsessed  with with fant fantas asie iess of un unli limi mite ted d su succ cces ess, s,  fame,  fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled  brilliance (the

cerebral narcissist), bodily  beauty or sexual performance (the somatic somatic narcissist narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

• Firmly Firmly convinced convinced that he or she is unique and, being special special,, can onl onlyy be unders understoo tood d by, by, should only be treated by , or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions); • Requi equire ress ex exce cess ssive ive admi admira rati tion on,, adulation, atte attent ntio ion n and  and  affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be ); notorious (Narcissistic Supply ); • Feels Feels entitl entitled. ed. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreas easonable expectations for special and  favourable priority  treatment; • Is "interperson "interpersonally ally exploitative exploitative", ", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends; • Devoid  of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, feelin lings, gs, nee needs, ds,  preferences, acknowledge, or accep acceptt the fee  priorities, and choices of others; • Constantly Constantly envious envious of others others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration . Suffers from persecutory  (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly ; superior, omnipotent, • Behaves Behaves arrogantl arrogantlyy and haughtily haughtily. Feels superior, omni omnisc scie ient nt,, inv invinci incibl ble, e, immu immune ne,, "abo "above ve the law" law",, and  omnip omnipre rese sent nt (mag (magic ical al thin thinki king ng). ). Rage Ragess when when frustr frustrat ated ed,, contradicte contradicted, d, or confronted  confronted  by people he or she considers

inferior to him or her and unworthy. Prevalence and Age and Gender Features

What What is the the diff differ eren ence ce betw betwee een n he heal alth thyy narc narcis issi sism sm and and the the pathological kind? Luckily for us, we are all narcissists to some degree. But healthy narcissism is adaptive, flexible, empathic, causes elation and joy (happiness), and help us to function. Pathological narcissism is maladaptive, rigid, persisting, and causes significant distress, and functional impairment. "The lifetime prevalence rate of NPD is approximately 0.5-1  percent; however, the estimated prevalence in clinical settings is approx approxima imatel tely y 2-16 2-16 percen percent. t. Almost Almost 75 percen percentt of indivi individua duals ls diagnosed with NPD are male (APA, DSM-IV-TR 2000)."  [Psychotherapeutic Assessment and Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Robert C. Schwartz, Ph.D., DAPA and Shannon D. Smith, Ph.D.,

DAPA DAPA (American Psychotherapy Association, Article 3004 Annals July/August 2002)]

We must must carefu carefully lly distin distingui guish sh betwee between n the narcis narcissis sistic tic traits traits of adolescents – narc narcis issi sism sm is an inte integr gral al part part of thei theirr he heal alth thyy personal development – and the full-fledged disorder. Adolescence is about about sel self-d f-defi efinit nition ion,, differe differenti ntiat ation ion,, separa separatio tion n from from one one's 's parents, parents, and individuati individuation. on. These These inevitably inevitably involve involve narcissis narcissistic tic asse assert rtiv iven enes esss wh whic ich h is no nott to be conf confla late ted d or conf confus used ed with with Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder (NPD). Narcis Narcissis sistic tic Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorder er (NPD) (NPD) is exacer exacerbat bated ed by the onse on sett of aging and and the phys physic ical al,, me ment ntal al,, and and occu occupa pati tion onal al restrictions it imposes. In certain situations, such as under constant public scrutiny and exposure,, a trans exposure ransie ient nt and reac eactive tive form form of the Narc Narcis isssist istic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been observed by Robert Milman and labelled "Acquired "Acquired Situational Narcissism" Narcissism". The here re is only nly scant cant res researc earch h rega regard rdin ingg the the Narc arciss issist istic Personality Disorder (NPD), but studies did not demonstrate any ethn ethnic ic,, soci social al,, cu cult ltur ural al,, ec econ onom omic ic,, ge gene neti tic, c, or prof profes essi sion onal al predilection to it. Co-Morbidity Co-Morbidity and Differential Diagnoses

Narci Narciss ssist istic ic Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorder er (NPD) (NPD) is often often diagno diagnosed sed with with other oth er men mental tal hea healt lth h dis disord orders ers ("co-m ("co-morb orbidit idity") y"),, such such as mood disorders,, eat disorders eating ing dis disord orders ers,, and subst substanceance-relat related ed disor disorders ders.. Patients Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are frequently abus abusiv ive e and and pron prone e to impul impulsive sive and reck reckless less behav behaviours iours ("dual diagnosis"). Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Perso ersona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder er (NPD (NPD)) is also also comm common only ly diagnosed with other personality disorders, disorders, such as the Histrionic, Borderline, Paranoid, and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Disorder. The Th e pers person onal al styl style e of thos those e su suff ffer erin ingg from from the the Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Perso ersona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder er (NPD (NPD)) sh shou ould ld be dist distin ingu guis ishe hed d from from the the pers person onal al styl styles es of pati patien ents ts with with othe otherr Clus Cluste terr B pers person onal alit ityy disorders. The narcissist is grandiose, the histrionic coquettish, the antisocial (psychopath) callous, and the borderline needy. needy. As opposed to patients with the Borderline Personality Disorder, the self-image of the narcissist is stable, he or she is less impulsive and less self-defeating or self-destructive and less concerned with abandonment issues (not as clinging). Contrary to the histrionic patient, the narcissist is achievements-orientated and proud of his or her possessions and accomplishments. Narcissists also rarely display their emotions as

histrionics do and they hold the sensitivities and needs of others in contempt. According to the DSM-IV-TR, DSM-IV-TR, both narcissists and psychopaths are "tough-minded, glib, superficial, exploitative, and un-empathic". But But narc narcis issi sist stss are are less less impu impuls lsiv ive, e, less less aggr aggres essi sive ve,, and and less less deceitful. Psychopaths rarely seek Narcissistic Supply. As opposed to psychopaths, few narcissists are criminals. Patie atient ntss su suff ffer erin ingg from from the the rang range e of obse obsess ssiv ivee-co comp mpul ulsi sive ve disorders are committed to perfection and believe that only they are capable of attaining it. But, as opposed to narcissists, they are self-critical and far more aware of their own deficiencies, flaws, and shortcomings. Clinical Features of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The onset of pathological narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers. Patho atholo logi gica call narc narcis issi sism sm is a defe defenc nce e me mech chan anis ism m inte intend nded ed to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a "False Self" wh whic ich h is cons constr true ued d by the the narc narciss issis istt to be omni omnipo pote tent nt,, invulnerable, and omniscient. The narcissist uses the False Self to regulate his or her labile sense of self-worth by extracting from his environment Narc Narcissis issistic tic Supply (any (any form form of atte attent ntio ion, n, both both positive and negative). There The re is a whole whole range range of narcis narcissis sistic tic react reaction ions, s, styles styles,, and pers person onal alit itie ies: s: from from the the mild mild,, reac reacti tive ve and and tran transi sien entt to the the permanent personality disorder. Patients Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) feel injured, humi hu mili liat ated ed and and em empt ptyy wh when en crit critic iciz ized ed.. Th They ey ofte often n reac reactt with with disdain (devaluation), rage rage,, and defiance to any slight, real or imagined.. To avoid such situations, some patients with Narcissistic imagined Perso ersona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder er (NPD (NPD)) soci social ally ly with withdr draw aw and and feig feign n false mode mo dest styy an and d hu humi mili lity ty to mask mask thei theirr un unde derl rlyi ying ng gran grandi dios osit ityy. Dyst Dysthy hymi micc and and depr depres essi sive ve diso disord rder erss are are comm common on reac reacti tion onss to isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy. The interp interpers ersona onall relati relations onship hipss of patien patients ts with with Narcis Narcissis sistic tic Personality Disorder (NPD) are typically impaired due to their lack of em empa path thyy, disr disreg egar ard d for for othe others rs,, ex expl ploi oita tati tive venes ness, s, se sens nse e of entitlement, and constant need for attention (Narcissistic Supply). Thou Th ough gh ofte often n ambi ambiti tiou ouss and and capa capabl ble, e, inab inabil ilit ityy to tole tolera rate te setbacks, disagreement, and criticism make it difficult for patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to work in a team or to maint maintain ain lon long-t g-term erm profes professio sional nal achiev achieveme ement nts. s. The narcis narcissis sist's t's

fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real accomplishments (the "Grandiosity Gap"). Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests"). Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are either "classic" (meet five of the nine diagnostic criteria included in the DSM), or they are "compensatory" (their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of inferiority and lack of self-worth). Some Some narc narciss issis ists ts are are cove covert rt,, or inver inverted ted narc narcissist issistss. As cocodepe depend nden ents ts,, they they deri derive ve thei theirr Narc Narciss issis isti ticc Supp Supply ly from from thei theirr relationships with classic narcissists. Treatment and Prognosis

The common treatment for patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is talk therapy (mainly psychodynamic psychotherapy or cognitive-behavioural treatment moda modali liti ties es). ). Talk alk ther therap apyy is us used ed to modi modify fy the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's anti antiso soci cial al,, inte interp rper erso sona nall llyy ex expl ploi oita tati tive ve,, and and dysf dysfun unct ctio iona nall behaviours, often with some success. Medication is prescribed to cont contro roll and and amel amelio iora rate te atte attend ndan antt cond condit itio ions ns su such ch as mood disorders or obsessive-compulsive disorders. disorders. The Th e prog progno nosi siss for for an adul adultt su suff ffer erin ingg from from the the Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Personality Disorder (NPD) is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Return

Bibliography

1. Alford, Alford, C. Fred. Fred. Narcissi Narcissism: sm: Socrate Socrates, s, the Frankfurt Frankfurt School School and Psychoanalytic Theory. New Haven and London, Yale University Press, 1988 2. Deve Devere reux ux,, Geor Georgge. Basi Basicc Proble oblems ms of Ethn thno-Ps o-Psyc ychi hiat atry ry.. University of Chicago Press, Press, 1980 3. Fairbairn, W. R. D. An Object Relations Theo eorry of the Personality. New York, Basic Books, 1954 4. Freud reud S. Thre hree Ess Essays ays on the The heo ory of Sexu Sexual alit ityy [190 [1905 5]. Stan Standa dard rd Edit Editio ion n of the the Comp Comple lete te Psyc Psycho holo logi gica call Works orks of Sigmund Freud. Vol. 7. London, Hogarth Press, 1964 5. Freud, Freud, S. On Narcissis Narcissism. m. Standard Standard Ed. Vol. Vol. 14, 14, p. 73-107 73-107 6. Gelder Gelder,, Michae Michael, l, Gath, Gath, Dennis, Dennis, Mayou, Mayou, Richard Richard,, Cowen, Cowen, Phili Philip p (eds.) (eds.).. Oxf Oxford ord Textboo extbookk of Psychi Psychiatr atryy, third third editio edition, n, 1996, 1996, reprinted 2000. Oxford University Press, Press, Oxford 7. Goldma Goldman, n, Howard Howard H. (Ed.). (Ed.). Revi Review ew of Genera Generall Psychi Psychiatr atryy. 4th Ed. London, Prentice Hall International, 1995 8. Golomb, Elan. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Chi Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self. Quill, 1995 9. Greenberg Greenberg,, Jay R. and and Mitchell, Mitchell, Stephen Stephen A. Object Object Relati Relations ons in Psychoana Psychoanalyti lyticc Theory Theory. Cambridge, Cambridge, Mass., Mass., Harvard Harvard Universit Universityy Press, 1983 10. Grunberger, Grunberger, Bela. Narcissism: Psychoanalytic Essays. New York, International Universities Press, 1979 11. Guntrip, Guntrip, Harry. Harry. Personality ersonality Structure Structure and Human Interact Interaction. ion. New York, International Universities Press, 1961 12. Horowitz Horowitz M. J. Sliding Meanings: A Defenc Defence e against against Threat in Narcissistic Personalities. International Journal of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, 1975; 4:167 13. Horovi Horovitz tz M. J. Stress Stress Respons esponse e Syndro Syndromes mes:: PTSD, PTSD, Grief Grief and Adjustment Disorders. 3rd Ed. New York, NY University Press, 1998

14. Jacobs Jacobson, on, Edith. Edith. The Self Self and the Object Object World. orld. New York York,, International Universities Press, 1964 15. Jung, C.G. Collected Works. G. Adler, Adler, M. Fordham and H. Read (Eds.). 21 volumes. Princeton University Press, 1960-1983 16. Kernberg O. Borderline Conditions and Pathological Pathological Narcissism. New York, Jason Aronson, 1975 17. Kle Klein, in, Mel Melani anie. e. The Writing ritingss of Me Melan lanie ie Kle Klein. in. Roge ogerr Mon MoneyeyKyrle (Ed.). 4 Vols. New York, Free Press, 1964-75 18. Kohut H. The Chicago Chicago Institute Lectures 1972-1976. Marian and Paul Tolpin (Eds.). Analytic Press, 1998 19. Kohu ohutt M. The Analys Analysis is of the Self. Self. New York, ork, Intern Internati ationa onall Universities Press, 1971 20. 20. Lasc Lasch, h, Chri Christ stop ophe herr. Th The e Cult Cultur ure e of Narc Narcis issi sism sm.. New New York, ork, Warner Books, 1979 21. Levine, J. D., and Weiss, Rona Rona H. The Dynamics and Treatment Treatment of Alcoholism. Jason Aronson, 1994 22. 22. Lo Lowe wen, n, Alexa lexand nder er.. Narc Narcis issi sism sm:: Deni Denial al of the True rue Self Self.. Touchstone Books, 1997 23. Millon, Millon, Theodore (and Roger D. Davis, contributor contributor). ). Disorders Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond. 2nd ed. New York, John Wiley and Sons, 1995 24. Mil Millon, lon, The Theodo odore. re. Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorders ers in Modern Modern Lif Life. e. New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000 25. Riso, Don Richard. Personality Types: Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery. Boston: Houghton Mifflin 1987 26. Roningstam, Elsa F. F. (Ed.). Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clin Clinic ical al,, and and Empi Empiri rica call Impl Implic icat atio ions ns.. Am Amer eric ican an Psyc Psychi hiat atri ricc Press, 1998 27. Rothstein, othstein, Arnold. Arnold. The Narcissis Narcissistic tic Pursuit Pursuit of Reflection. eflection. 2nd revised Ed. New York, International Universities Press, 1984 28. Schwartz, Lester. Lester. Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorders – A Clinical Discussion. Journal of American Psychoanalytic Association – 22 [1974]: 292-305 29. Salant-Schwartz, Nathan. Narcissism and Character Transformation. Inner City Books, 1985 – p. 90-91 30. Stern, Stern, Daniel. Daniel. The Interpers Interpersonal onal World World of the Infant: A View View from Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology. New York, Basic Books, 1985 31. Vaknin, Sam. Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited. Skopje and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999-2007 32. Zweig, Zweig, Paul. aul. The Heresy Heresy of Self Self Love: Love: A Study Study of Subver Subversiv sive e Individualism. New York, Basic Books, 1968 Return

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Malignant  Self Love  Narcissism Revisited

The Mind of the Narcissist

This section contains professional terms.

CHAPTER I

The Soul of a Narcissist The State of the Art

We all love ourselves. ourselves. That seems to be such an instinctively instinctively true statement that we do not bother to examine it more thoroughly. In our daily affairs – in love, in business, in other areas of life – we act on this premise. Yet, upon closer inspection, it looks shakier. Some people explicitly state that they do not love themselves at all (they are ego-dystonic). Others confine their lack of self-love to certain of their traits, to their personal history, or to some of their behaviour patterns. Yet others feel content with who they are and with what they are doing (ego-syntonic). But one group of people seems distinct in its mental constitution – narcissists. According According to the lege legend nd of Narcissus Narcissus,, this Greek boy fell in love with his own reflection in a pond. In a way, way, this amply sums up the nature of his namesakes: narcissists. The mythological Narcissus rejected the advances of the nymph Echo and was punished by the goddess Nemesis. He was consigned to pine away as he fell in love with his own reflection – exactly as Echo had pined away for him. How apt. Narcissists are punished by echoes and reflections of their problematic personalities up to this very day. day. Narcissists are said to be in love with themselves. But this is a fallacy. Narcissus is not in love with HIMSELF. He is in love with his REFLECTION. Ther Th ere e is a majo majorr diff differ eren ence ce betw betwee een n on one' e'ss True rue Self Self and and reflected-self. Loving your True Self is healthy, adaptive, and functional. Loving a reflection has two major drawbacks: 1. On One e depe depend ndss on the ex exis iste ten nce and ava availab ilabiilit lity of the the reflection to produce the emotion of self-love.

2. The The abse absenc nce e of a "com "compa pass ss", ", an "obj "objec ecti tive ve and and real realis isti ticc yard yardsstick" ick",, by wh whiich to judg udge the aut authe hent ntic icit ityy of the the reflection. In other words, it is impossible to tell whether the reflection is true to reality and, if so, to what extent. The popular misconception is that narcissists love themselves. In realit realityy, they they direct direct their their love love at other other people people's 's impres impressio sions ns of them. He who loves only impressions is incapable of loving people, himself included. But the narcissist does possess the in-bred desire to love and to be loved. If he cannot love himself, he must love his reflection. But to love his reflection, it must be loveable. Thus, driven by the insatiable urge to love (which we all possess), the narcissist is preoccupied with projecting a loveable image, albeit compatible with his self-image (the way he "sees" himself). The Th e narc narcis issi sist st main mainta tain inss this this proj projec ecte ted d imag image e and and inve invest stss resources and energy in it, sometimes depleting him to the point of rendering him vulnerable to external threats. But But the most most impo import rtan antt ch char arac acte teri rist stic ic of the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's projected image is its lovability. To a narcis narcissis sist, t, love love is interc interchan hangea geable ble with with other other emotio emotions, ns, such as awe, respect, admiration, attention, or even being feared (coll (collect ective ively ly kno known wn as Narc Narcissis issistic tic Supply Supply)). Thus, to him, a projected image, which provokes these reactions in others, is both "loveable and loved". It also feels like self-love. The more successful this projected image (or series of successive images) is in generating Narcissistic Supply (NS), the more the narcissist becomes divorced from his True Self and married to the image. I am not saying that the narcissist does not have a central nucleus (a "self"). All I am saying is that he prefers his image – with which he identifies unreservedly – to his True Self. The True Self becomes serf to the Image. The narcissist, therefore, is not selfish because his True True Self is paralyzed and subordinate. The narcissist is not attuned exclusively to his needs. On the contrary: he ignores them because many of them conflict with his ostensible omnipotence and omniscience. He does not put himself first – he puts his self last. He caters to the needs and wishes of everyone around him because he craves their love and admiration. It is through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. In many ways he annuls himself only to re-invent himself thro throug ugh h the the look look of othe others rs.. Th The e narc narcis issi sist st is the the pers person on most most insensitive to his true needs.

The narcissist drains himself of mental energy in this process. This is why he has none left to dedicate to others. This fact, as well as his inability to love human beings in their many dimensions and facets, ultimately transform him into a recluse. He guards its territory jealously and fiercely. He protects what he perceives to constitute his independence. Why Why sh shou ould ld peop people le indu indulg lge e the the narc narcis issi sist st?? An And d wh what at is the the "evo "evolu luti tion onar ary" y",, su surv rviva ivall valu value e of pref prefer erri ring ng on one e kind kind of love love (directed at an image) to another (directed at one's self)? These The se questi questions ons tormen tormentt the narcis narcissis sist. t. His convol convolute uted d mind mind comes up with the most elaborate contraptions in lieu of answers. Why Why sh shou ould ld peop people le indu indulg lge e the the narc narcis issi sist st,, dive divert rt time time and and energy, give him attention, love and adulation? The narcissist's answer is simple: because he is entitled to it. He feels that he deserves whatever he succeeds to extract from others and much more besides. Actually, he feels betrayed, discriminated against and and un unde derp rpri rivi vile lege ged d beca becaus use e he beli believ eves es that that he is no nott bein beingg treated fairly, fairly, that he should get more than he does. There is a discrepancy between his infinite certainty that his is a special status which renders him worthy of recurrent praise and adoration, replete with special benefits and prerogatives and the actua actuall state state of his affair affairs. s. To the the narcis narcissis sist, t, his uni unique quenes nesss is bestowed upon him not by virtue of his achievements, but merely because he exists. The narcissist's deems his mere existence as sufficiently unique to warrant the kind of treatment that he expects to get from the world. This is the paradox, which haunts the narcissist: he derives his sense of uniqueness from the very fact that he exists and he derives his sense of existence from his belief that he is unique. Clinical data show that there is rarely any realistic basis for these grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness. Some narcissists are high achievers with proven track records. Some of them are pillars of their communities. Mostly, they are dynamic and successful. Still, they are ridiculously pompous and inflat inflated ed person personali alitie ties, s, borderi bordering ng on the farcic farcical al and provok provoking ing resentment. The narcissist is forced to use other people in order to feel that he exists. It is trough their eyes and through their behaviour that he obtains proof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a habitual "people-junkie". With time, he comes to regard those around him as mere instruments of gratification, as two-dimensional cartoon figures with negligible lines in the script of his magnificent life.

He beco become mess uns unscr crup upul ulou ous, s, ne neve verr both bother ered ed by the the cons consta tant nt exploitation of his milieu, indifferent to the consequences of his actions, to the damage and the pain that he inflicts on others and even to the social condemnation and sanctions that he often has to endure. When a person persists persists in a dysfuncti dysfunctional, onal, maladaptive maladaptive or plain useless behaviour despite grave repercussions to himself and to others, we say that his acts are compulsive compulsive.. Th The e narc narcis issi sist st is comp compul ulsi sive ve in his his purs pursui uitt of Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly.. Th This is link linkag age e between narcissism and obsessive-compulsive disorders sheds light on the mechanisms of the narcissistic psyche. The narcissist does not suffer from a faulty sense of causation. He is not oblivious to the likely outcomes of his actions and to the price he may have to pay. But he doesn't care. A pers person onal alit ityy wh whos ose e ve very ry ex exis iste tenc nce e is a deri deriva vati tive ve of its its reflection in other people's minds is perilously dependent on these people's perceptions. They are the Sources of Narcissistic Supply (NSS). Criticism and disapproval are interpreted by the narcissist as a sadistic withholding of said supply and as a direct threat to the narcissist's mental house of cards. The narcissist lives in a world of all or nothing, of a constant "to be or not be". Every discussion that he holds, every glance of every passer-by reaffirm his existence or cast it in doubt. This is why the reactions of the narcissist seem so disproportionate: he reacts to what he perceives perceives to be a danger danger to the very cohesion cohesion of his self. Thus Th us,, ev ever eryy mino minorr disa disagr gree eeme ment nt with with a Sour Source ce of Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly – anot anothe herr pers person on – is inte interp rpre rete ted d as a thre threat at to the the narcissist's very self-worth. This is such a crucial matter, that the narcissist cannot take chan ch ance ces. s. He woul would d rath rather er be mist mistak aken en then then rema remain in with withou outt Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly.. He woul would d rath rather er disc discer ern n disa disapp ppro rova vall and and unj nju ustif stifie ied d crit riticis icism m wh wher ere e the there are are no none ne the hen n face face the consequences of being caught off-guard. The narcissist has to condition his human environment to refrain from expressing criticism and disapproval of him or of his actions and decisions. He has to teach people around him that these provoke him into frightful fits of temper and rage attacks and turn him him into into a cons consta tant ntly ly cant cantan anke kero rous us and and iras irasci cibl ble e pers person on.. His His exag xaggerat erated ed rea reactio ctions ns con onsstit titute ute a puni punish shm men entt for for thei theirr incons inconside iderat ratene eness ss and their their ign ignora orance nce of his true true psycho psycholog logica icall state. The narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him into his temper tantrums and believes firmly that

"they" "they" should should be punish punished ed for their their "misbe "misbehavi haviour our". ". Apolog Apologies ies – unle un less ss acco accomp mpan anie ied d by ve verb rbal al or othe otherr hu humi mili liat atio ion n – are are no nott enough. The fuel of the narcissist's rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft innocuous) offence. The narcissist – wittingly or not – utilises people to buttress his self-image and to regulate his sense of self-worth. As long and in as much as they are instrumental in achieving these goals, he holds them in high regard, they are valuable to him. He sees them only through this lens. This is a result of his inability to love others: he lacks empathy, he thinks utility, and, thus, he reduces others to mere instruments. If they cease to "function", if, no matter how inadvertently, inadvertently, they cause him to doubt his illusory, half-baked, self-esteem, they are subjected to a reign of terror. terror. The narcissist then proceeds to hurt thes these e "insu "insubo bord rdin inat ates es". ". He beli belitt ttle less and and hu humi mili liat ates es them them.. He displays aggression and violence in myriad forms. His behaviour metamorphoses, kaleidoscopically, from over-valuing (idealizing) the useful person to a severe devaluation of same. The narcissist abho abhors rs,, almo almost st phys physio iolo logi gica call llyy, peop people le judg judged ed by him him to be "useless". Thes Th ese e rapi rapid d alte altera rati tion onss betw betwee een n abso absolu lute te over overva valu luat atio ion n (idea idealliza ization tion)) and and comp comple lete te deva devalu luat atio ion n make make long long--ter term interpersonal relationships with the narcissist all but impossible. The Th e more more path pathol olog ogic ical al form form of narc narcis issi sism sm – the the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – was defined in successive versions of the American DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual published by the Ame Americ rican an Psychi Psychiatr atric ic Associ Associat ation ion)) and the intern internati ationa onall ICD (International Classification of Diseases, published by the World Health Organization). It is useful to scrutinize these geological layers of clinical observations and their interpretation. In 1977 the DSM-III criteria included: • An inflat inflated ed valuat valuation ion of one onesel selff (ex (exagg aggera eratio tion n of talen talents ts and achievements, demons nsttration of presumptuous selfconfidence); • Interpers Interpersonal onal exploitation exploitation (uses others others to satisfy satisfy his needs and desires, desires, expects expects preferenti preferential al treatment treatment without without undertakin undertakingg mutual commitments); • Possess ossesses es expans expansive ive imagin imaginati ation on (ex (exter ternal nalize izess immatu immature re and nonno n-re regi gime ment nted ed fant fantas asie ies, s, "pre "preva vari rica cate tess to rede redeem em se self lf-illusions");

• Disp Displa lays ys su supe perc rcil ilio ious us impe impert rtur urba babi bili lity ty (exc (excep eptt wh when en the the narcissis narcissistic tic confidence confidence is shaken), shaken), nonchalant nonchalant,, unimpresse unimpressed d and cold-blooded; • Defective Defective social conscience conscience (rebels (rebels against against the conventions conventions of commo common n socia sociall exi existe stence nce,, does does not value value person personal al integr integrity ity and the rights of other people). Compare the 1977 version with the one adopted 10 years later (in the DSM-III-R) and expanded upon in 1994 (in the DSM-IV) and in 2000 (the DSM-IV-TR) – click here to read the latest diagnostic criteria. The narc arciss issist ist is por portray traye ed as a mon onsster ter, a ruth uthles less and and exploi exploitat tative ive person person.. Yet, inside inside,, the narci narcissi ssist st suffer sufferss from from a chronic lack of confidence and is fundamentally dissatisfied. This applies to all narcissists. The distinction between "compensatory" and "classic" narcissists is spurious. All narcissists are walking scar tissue, the outcomes of various forms of abuse abuse.. On the the ou outs tsid ide, e, the the narc narcis issi sist st may may appe appear ar to be labi labile le and and unstable.. But, unstable But, this this does does no nott capt captur ure e the the barr barren en lands landsca cape pe of misery and fears that is his soul. His brazen and reckless behaviour covers up for a depressive depressive,, anxious interior. How can such contrasts coexist? Freud (1915) offered a trilateral model of the human psyche, composed of the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. According to Freud, narcissists are dominated by their Ego to such an extent that the Id and Superego are neutralized. Early in his career, Freud believed narcissism to be a normal develo developme pmenta ntall phase phase betwee between n autoer autoeroti oticis cism m and object object-lo -love. ve. Later on, he concluded that linear development can be thwarted by the very efforts we all make in our infancy to evolve the capacity to love an object (another person). Some of us, thus Freud, fail to grow beyond the phase of selflove in the development development of our libido. Others refer to themselve themselvess and and pref prefer er them themse selv lves es as obje object ctss of love love.. Th This is ch choi oice ce – to concentrate on the self – is the result of an unconscious decision to give up a consistently frustrating and unrewarding effort to love l ove others and to trust them. The frustrated and abused child learns that the only "object" he can trust and that is always and reliably available, the only person he can love without being abandoned or hurt is himself. So, is pathological narcissism the outcome of verbal, sexual, physical, or psychological abuse – or, on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolizing it?

This debate is easier to resolve if one agrees to adopt a more comprehens comprehensive ive definition definition of "abuse". "abuse". Overweenin Overweening, g, smothering smothering,, spoili spoiling, ng, overva overvalui luing, ng, and idoliz idolizing ing the child child are also also forms forms of parental abuse. This Th is is beca becaus use, e, as Horn Horney ey poin pointe ted d ou out, t, the the smot smothe here red d and and spoiled child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his parents' discontented discontented lives, a tool, the magic airbrush with which they seek to retouch their failures into successes, their humiliation into victory, their frustrations into happiness. The child is taught taught to give up on reality and adopt the parental parental fant fantas asie ies. s. Such Such an un unfo fort rtun unat ate e ch chil ild d feel feelss omni omnipo pote tent nt and and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment. The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality – empathy, empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skill skills, s, persev persevera erance nce and goal-o goal-orie rienta ntatio tion, n, not to men mentio tion n the the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it – are all deficient or missing altogether. This kind of child turned adult sees no reason to invest resources in his skills and education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merits but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). The narcissist is not meritocratic but aristocratic. Such a mental structure is brittle, susceptible to criticism and disagreement, vulnerable to the incessant encounter with a harsh and intolerant world. Deep inside, narcissists of both kinds (those wrought by "classic" abuse and those yielded by being idolized) feel feel inad inadeq equa uate te,, phon phoney ey,, fake fake,, infe inferi rior or,, and and dese deserv rvin ingg of punishment. Millon makes a distinction between several types of narcissists. He wrongly assumes that the "classic" narcissist is the outcome of parent parental al overva overvalua luatio tion, n, idoliz idolizati ation, on, and spoili spoiling ng and, and, thus, thus, is poss posses esse sed d of su supr prem eme, e, un unch chal alle leng nged, ed, se self lf-c -con onfi fide denc nce, e, and and is devoid of all self-doubt. According to Millon, it is the "compensatory" narcissist that falls prey prey to nagg naggin ingg se self lf-d -dou oubt bts, s, feel feelin ings gs of infe inferi rior orit ityy, and and a masochistic desire for self-punishment.

Yet, this distinction is both wrong and unnecessary. Psyc Psycho hody dyna nami mica call llyy, ther there e is on only ly on one e type type of path pathol olog ogic ical al narcissism – though there are two developmental paths to it. And all narcissists are besieged by deeply ingrained (though at times not conscious) feelings of inadequacy, fears of failure, masochistic desi desire ress to be pena penali lize zed, d, a fluc fluctu tuat atin ingg se sens nse e of se self lf-w -wor orth th (regulated by Narcissistic Supply), and an overwhelming sensation of fraudulence. In the early childhood of all narcissists, meaningful others are inconsistent in their acceptance of the child. They pay attention to the narcissist only when they wish to satisfy their needs. They tend to ignore him – or actively abuse him – when these needs are no longer pressing. The Th e narc narcis issi sist st's 's past past of abus abuse e teac teache hess him him to avoi avoid d deep deeper er relationships in order to escape this painful approach-avoidance pendulum. Protecting himself from hurt and from abandonment, he insulates himself from people around him. He digs in rather than spring out. We all put people around us (the aforementioned objects) to recurren recurrentt tests. tests. This is the "primary "primary narcissis narcissistic tic stage". stage". A positive relat relation ionshi ship p with with one one's 's parent parentss or caregi caregiver verss (Pri (Primar maryy Object Objects) s) secures the smooth transition to "object love". The child then forgoes his narcissism. Givin Givingg up on one' e'ss narc narcis issi sism sm is toug tough. h. Narc Narciss issis ism m is allu alluri ring ng,, soot soothi hing ng,, warm warm and and depe dependa ndabl ble. e. It is alway alwayss pres presen entt and and allallpervasive. It is custom tailored to the needs of the individual. To love oneself is to have the perfect lover. Good reasons and strong forces – collectively known as "parental love" – are required to motivate the child to give up its narcissism. The child progresses beyond its primary narcissism in order to be able to love his parents. If they are narcissists, they subject him to idealization (over-valuation) and devaluation cycles. They do not reliably satisfy the child's needs. In other words, they frustrate him. He gradually realizes that he is no more than a toy, an instrument, a means to an end: his parents' gratification. This shocking revelation deforms the child's budding Ego. The child forms a strong dependence (as opposed to attachment) on his parents. This dependence is really the outcome of fear, the mirror image of aggression. In Freud-speak (psychoanalysis) we say that the child is likely to develop accentuated oral fixations and regressions. In plain terms, we are likely to see a lost, phobic, helpless, raging child.

But a child is still a child and his relationship with his parents is of ultimate importance to him. He, He, ther theref efor ore, e, resi resist stss his natu natura rall reac reacti tion onss to his his abus abusiv ive e care caregi give vers rs,, and and trie triess to defu defuse se his his libi libidi dina nall and and aggr aggres essi sive ve sensations and emotions. This way, he hopes to rehabilitate the dama damage ged d rela relati tion onsh ship ip with with his his pare parent ntss (whi (which ch ne neve verr real really ly existed). Hence the primordial confabulation, confabulation, the mother of all future future narcissist narcissistic ic fantasies fantasies.. In his his em emba batt ttle led d mind mind,, the the ch chil ild d transforms the Superego into an idealized, sadistic parent-child. His Ego, in turn, becomes a hated, devalued child-parent. The Th e fami family ly is the the main mainsp spri ring ng of su supp ppor ortt of ev ever eryy kind kind.. It mobi mobili lize zess psyc psycho holo logi gica call reso resour urce cess and and alle allevi viat ates es emoti motion onal al burd burden ens. s. It allo allows ws for for the the sh shar arin ingg of task tasks, s, prov provid ides es mate materi rial al suppl upplie iess cou oupl pled ed with ith cog cognit nitive ive train rainin ing. g. It is the prim prime e socialization agent and encourages the absorption of information, most of it useful and adaptive. This division of labour between parents and children is vital both to personal growth and to proper adaptation. The child must feel, as he does in a functional family, that he can share his experiences without being defensive and that the feedback that he is getting is open and unbiased. The only "bias" acceptable (often because it is consonant with feedback from the outside) is the family's set of beliefs, values and goals that are finally internalized by the child by way of imitation and unconscious identification. So, the family is the first and the most important source of identity and emotional support. It is a greenhouse, where the child feels loved, cared for, for, accepted, and secure – the prerequisites for the development of personal resources. On the material level, the fami family ly sh shou ould ld prov provid ide e the the basic basic ne nece cess ssit itie iess (and (and,, pref prefer erab ably ly,, beyond beyond), ), physi physical cal care care and protec protectio tion, n, and refuge refuge and she shelte lterr during crises. The role of the mother (the Primary Object) has often been discu iscuss ssed ed.. Th The e fat fathe herr's part part is mos mostly ne negl gle ecte cted, eve ven n in professional literature. However, However, recent research demonstrates his importance to the orderly and healthy development of the child. The father participates in the day-to-day care, is an intellectual catalyst who encourages the child to develop his interests and to satis tisfy his curio uriossity ity thro hroug ugh h the man manipul ipulat atio ion n of var various ious instruments and games. He is a source of authority and discipline, a boundary setter, enforcing and encouraging positive behaviours and eliminating negative ones. The Th e fath father er also also prov provide idess em emot otio iona nall su supp ppor ortt and and ec econ onom omic ic security, thus stabilizing the family unit. Finally, he is the prime

source of masculine orientation and identification to the male child and gives warmth and love as a male to his daughter, daughter, without transgressing the socially permissible limits. We can can safe safely ly say say that that the the narc narciss issis ist' t'ss fami family ly is as se seve vere rely ly disordered as he is. Pathological narcissism is largely a reflection of this dysfunction. Such an environment breeds self-deception. The narcissist's internal dialogue is "I do have a relationship with my parents. It is my fault – the fault of my emotions, sensations, aggressions and passions – that this relationship is not working. It is, therefore, my responsibility to make amends. I will construct a narrative in which I am both loved and punished. In this script, I will ill allo alloca cate te role roless to myse myself lf and and to my pare parent nts. s. Th This is way way, everything will be fine and we will all be happy." happy." Thus Th us star starts ts the the cycl cycle e of over over-v -val alua uati tion on (ide (ideal aliz izat atio ion) n) and and deva devalu luat atio ion. n. Th The e dual dual role roless of sadi sadist st and and puni punish shed ed maso masoch chis istt (Superego and Ego), parent and child, permeate all the narcissist's interactions with other people. The narcissist experiences a reversal of roles as his relationships progress. At the beginning of a relationship he is the child in need of attention, approval and admiration. He becomes dependent. Then, at the first sign of disapproval (real or imaginary), he is transformed into an avowed sadist, punishing and inflicting pain. It is commonly agreed that a loss (real or perceived) at a critical junction in the psychological development of the child forces him to refer to himself for nurturing and for gratification. The child ceases to trust others and his ability to develop object love, or to idealize is hampered. He is constantly haunted by the feeling that only he can satisfy his emotional needs. He ex expl ploi oits ts peop people le,, some someti time mess un unin inte tent ntio iona nall llyy, but but alway alwayss ruthlessly and mercilessly. He uses them to obtain confirmation of the accuracy of his grandiose self-portrait. The narcissist is usually above treatment. He knows best. He feels superior to his therapist in particular and to the science of psychology in general. He seeks treatment only following a major life crisis, which directly threatens his projected and perceived image. Even then he only wishes to restore the previous balance. Therapy sessions with the narcissist resemble a battlefield. He is aloof aloof and distan distanced ced,, demons demonstra trates tes his superi superiori ority ty in a myriad myriad ways ways,, res esen ents ts wh what at he perc percei eive vess to be an intr intru usion sion on his innermost sanctum. He is offended by any hint regarding defects or dysfunctions in his personality or in his behaviour. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist – even when he asks for help with his world and worldview shattered.

Appendix: Object Relations Theories and Narcissism

Otto Kernberg (1975, 1984, 1987) disagrees with Freud. He regards the the divi divisi sion on betw betwee een n an "obj "objec ectt libi libido do"" (ene (energ rgyy dire direct cted ed at objects, meaningful others, people in the immediate vicinity of the infant) and a "narcissistic libido" (energy directed at the self as the most immediate and satisfying object), which precedes it as spurious. Whethe Whetherr a ch child ild develo develops ps normal normal or pathol pathologi ogical cal narcis narcissis sism m depends on the relations between the representations of the self (roughly, the image of the self that the child forms in his mind) and the representations of objects (roughly, the images of other people that the child forms in his mind, based on all the emotional and objective information available to him). It is also dependent on the relationship between the representations of the self and real, external, "objective" objects. Add to these these instinctu instinctual al conflicts conflicts related related to both the libido and to aggr aggres essi sion on (thes (these e ve very ry stro strong ng em emot otio ions ns give give rise rise to stro strong ng conflicts in the child) and a comprehensive explanation concerning the formation of pathological narcissism emerges. Kernberg's concept of Self is closely related to Freud's concept of Ego. The self is dependent upon the unconscious, which exerts a con onsstant tant inf influen luencce on all me ment nta al fu func ncttions ions.. Patho atholo loggical ical narc narcis issi sism sm,, ther theref efor ore, e, refl reflec ects ts a libi libidi dina nall inve invest stme ment nt in a pathol pathologi ogical cally ly struct structure ured d sel selff and not in a normal normal,, integr integrati ative ve structure of the self. The narcissist suffers because his self is devalued or fixated on aggression. All object relations of such a self are distorted: it deta etach ches es from from rea real obj objec ectts (beca becaus use e the heyy hu hurt rt it oft often en)), dissoc dissociat iates, es, repres represses ses,, or projec projects ts.. Narcis Narcissis sism m is not merely merely a fixation on an early developmental stage. It is not confined to the failure to develop intra-psychic structures. structures. Franz Franz Kohut Kohut regard regarded ed narcis narcissis sism m as the final final produc productt of the failing efforts of parents to cope with the needs of the child to idealize and to be grandiose (for instance, to be omnipotent). Idea Ideali liza zati tion on is an impo import rtan antt deve develo lopm pmen enta tall path path lead leadin ingg to narcissism. The child merges the idealized aspects of the images of his parents (Imagos, in Kohut's terminology) with those wide segments of the image of the parent which are cathected (infused) with object libido (in which the child invests the energy that he reserves for objects). This This exe exerts rts an eno enormo rmous us and all-im all-impor portan tantt influe influence nce on the processes of re-internalization (the processes in which the child

re-introduces the objects and their images into his mind) in each of the successive phases. Throu hrough gh thes ese e proc proce esses sses,, two perm perman anen entt nu nucclei lei of the the personality are constructed: a. The basic, basic, neutralizin neutralizingg texture texture of the psyche, psyche, and b. The idea ideall Supere Superego go Both Both of them them are are ch char arac acte teri rize zed d by an inve invest sted ed inst instin inct ctua uall narc narcis issi sist stic ic cath cathex exis is (inv (inves este ted d en ener ergy gy of se self lf-l -lov ove e wh whic ich h is instinctual). At first, the child idealizes his parents. As he grows up, he begins to notice their shortcomings and vices. He withdraws part of the idealizing libido from the images of the parents, which is cond conduc uciv ive e to the the natu natura rall deve develo lopm pmen entt of the the Supe Supere rego go.. Th The e narc arciss issist istic par part of the the child hild's 's psy psych che e rem remains ains vu vuln lner era able ble throughout its development. This is largely true until the "child" re-internalizes the ideal parent image. Al Also, so, the the ve very ry cons constr truc ucti tion on of the the me ment ntal al appa appara ratu tuss can can be tampered with by traumatic deficiencies and by object losses right through the Oedipa ipal period (and even in latency and in adolescence). The same effect can be attributed to traumatic disappointment by objects. Disturbances leading to the formation of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be thus grouped into: early disturb disturbanc ances es in the relati relations onship hip with with an ideal ideal 1. Very early object. These lead to a structural weakness of the personality, which develops a deficient and/or dysfunctional stimuli-filtering mechanism. The ability of the individual to maintain a basic narcissistic homeostasis of the personality is damage damaged. d. Such Such a person person suffer sufferss from from diffus diffusive ive narcis narcissis sistic tic vulnerability. 2.  A disturbance occurring later in life – but still pre-Oedipally  – affects the pre-Oedipal formation of the basic mechanisms for for cont contro rolli lling ng,, ch chan anne nell llin ing, g, and and ne neut utra rali lizi zing ng driv drives es and and urges. The nature of the disturbance has to be a traumatic encounter with the ideal object (such as a major disap disappo poin intm tmen ent) t).. Th The e symp sympto toma mati ticc mani manife fest stat atio ion n of this this stru struct ctur ural al defe defect ct is the the prop propen ensi sity ty to re-s re-sexu exual aliz ize e driv drive e derivatives and internal and external conflicts, either in the form of fantasies or in the form of deviant acts. 3.   A disturbance formed in the Oedipal or even in the early  inhibit bitss the the comp comple leti tion on of the the Supe Supere rego go latent latent phases phases – inhi ideal idealiz izat atio ion. n. Th This is is es espe peci cial ally ly true true of a disa disappo ppoin intm tmen entt

related to an ideal object of the late pre-Oedipal and the Oedipal stages, where the partly idealized external parallel of the newly internalized object is traumatically destroyed. Such a person possesses a set of values and standards, but he is always on the lookout for ideal external figures from whom he aspires to derive the affirmation and the leadership that he cannot get from his insufficiently idealized Superego. Return

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Malignant  Self Love  Narcissism Revisited

Frequently Asked Questions

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 2

Pathological Narcissism A Dysfunction or a Blessing?

Is pathological narcissism a blessing or a malediction? The Th e answe answerr is: is: it depe depends nds.. Heal Health thyy narc narciss issis ism m is a matu mature re,, balanced love of oneself coupled with a stable sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Healthy narcissism implies knowledge of one's boundaries and a proportionate and realistic appraisal of one's achi achiev evem emen ents ts and and trai traits ts.. Patho atholo logi gica call narc narcis issi sism sm is wrong wrongly ly desc descri ribe bed d as too too mu much ch he heal alth thyy narc narcis issi sism sm (or (or too too mu much ch se self lf-esteem esteem). ). Yet, these these are two absolu absolutel telyy unrela unrelated ted phenom phenomena ena whic wh ich, h, regr regret etta tabl blyy, came came to bear bear the the same same name name.. Conf Confus usin ingg path pathol olog ogic ical al narc narcis issi sism sm with with he heal alth thyy se self lf-e -est stee eem m betr betray ayss a fundamental ignorance of both. Patholo athologic gical al narcis narcissis sism m involv involves es an impair impaired, ed, dysfun dysfuncti ctiona onal, l, immature (True) Self coupled with a compensatory fiction (the Fals False e Self Self). ). Th The e sick sick narc narcis issi sist st's 's se sens nse e of se self lf-w -wor orth th and and se self lf-esteem derive entirely from audience feedback. The narcissist has no self-esteem or self-worth of his own (no such ego functions). In the absence of observers, the narcissist shrivels to non-existence and and feel feelss dead dead.. Henc Hence e the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's prey preyin ingg habi habits ts in his his constant pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. Pathological narcissism is an addictive behaviour. Still, dysfunctions are reactions to abnormal environments and situations (e.g., abuse, trauma, smothering, etc.). Paradoxically Paradoxically,, his dysfunction allows the narcissist to function. It compensates for his lacks, deficits, and deficiencies ies by exag xaggerat eratin ingg cert ertain ain ten ende denc ncie iess and and trait raits. s. It is lik like the overdeveloped tactile sense of a blind person. In short: path pathol olog ogic ical al narc narcis issi sism sm is a resu result lt of over over-s -sen ensi siti tivi vity ty,, the the repression of overwhelming memories and experiences, and the

suppression of inordinately strong negative feelings (e.g., hurt, envy, envy, anger, anger, or humiliati h umiliation). on). That the narcissist functions at all is because of his pathology and thanks to it. The alternative is complete decompensation and integration. In time, the narcissist learns how to leverage his pathology, how to use it to his advantage, how to deploy it in order to maximize benefits and utilities – in other words, how to transform his curse into a blessing. Narcissists are obsessed with delusions of fantastic grandeur and supe su peri rior orit ityy. As a resu result lt they they are are ve very ry comp compet etit itiv ive. e. Th They ey are are strongly compelled – where others are merely motivated. They are driven, relentless, tireless, and ruthless. They often make it to the top. But even when they do not, they strive and fight and learn and clim climb b and and creat eate and and thin thinkk and and devi devisse and and desi desiggn and and conspire. Faced with a challenge, they are likely to do better than non-narcissists. Yet, we often find that narcissists abandon their efforts in midstream, give up, vanish, lose interest, devalue former pursuits, or slump. Why is that? Copi Coping ng with with a ch chal alle leng nge, e, ev even en with with a gu guar aran ante teed ed ev even entu tual al triumph is meaningless in the absence of onlookers. The narcissist needs an audience to applaud, affirm, recoil, approve, admire, ador adore, e, fear fear,, or ev even en dete detest st him. him. He crav craves es the the atte attent ntio ion n and and depends on the Narcissistic Supply only others can provide. The narcissist derives sustenance only from the outside – his emotional innards are hollow and moribund. The narcis narcissis sist's t's enh enhanc anced ed perfor performan mance ce is predic predicate ated d on the existence of a challenge (real or imaginary) and of an audience. First published on the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Topic.

Return

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 15

The Narcissist's Reaction to Deficient Narcissistic Supply

Question: How does the narcissist react when he fails to obtain enough Narcissistic Supply? Supply?  Answer: Very much as a drug addict reacts to the absence of his drug of choice. The Th e narc narcis issi sist st cons consta tant ntly ly cons consum umes es (rea (reall llyy, prey preyss upon upon)) adoration, adoration, admiratio admiration, n, approval, approval, applause, applause, attention attention and other form formss of Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly.. When When lack lackin ingg or defi defici cien ent, t, a Narcissis Narc issistic tic Defic Deficiency iency Dysph Dysphoria oria se sets ts in. in. Th The e narc narcis issi sist st then then appears to be lethargic or (more rarely) agitated, depressed or (inf (infre requ quen entl tly) y) mani manic, c, his his move moveme ment ntss slow slow down down or beco become me frantic, his sleep patterns are disordered (he either sleeps too much mu ch or beco become mess inso insomn mnia iac) c),, his his eatin eatingg patt patterns erns change change (he gorges on food or is avoids it altogether). Typically, when deprived of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is consta constantl ntlyy dyspho dysphoric ric (sad) (sad) and anhedo anhedonic nic (finds (finds no pleasu pleasure re in anything, including his former pursuits, hobbies, and interests). He is subjected to violent mood swings (mainly rage attacks) and all his his (vis (visib ible le and and pain painfu ful) l) ef effo fort rtss at se self lf-c -con ontr trol ol fail fail.. He may may comp compul ulsi sive vely ly and and ritu ritual ally ly reso resort rt to an alte altern rnat ativ ive e addiction addiction:: alcohol, drugs, reckless driving, shopaholism. This gradual disintegration is the narcissist's futile effort both to escape his predicament and to sublimate his aggressive urges. His whole behaviour seems constrained, artificial, and effortful. The narcissist gradually turns more and more mechanical, detached, and "unreal". His thoughts constantly wander or become obsessive and repetitive, his speech may falter, he appears to be far away, in a world of his narcissistic fantasies, where Narcissistic Supply is aplenty.

He withdraws from his painful existence, where others fail to appreciate his greatness, special skills and talents, potential, or achievements. The narcissist thus ceases to bestow himself upon a crue cruell un univ iver erse se,, puni punish shin ingg the the worl world d for for its its sh shor ortc tcom omin ings gs,, its its inability to realize how unique the narcissist is. The narcissist goes into a schizoid mode: he isolates himself, a herm he rmit it in the the king kingdo dom m of his his hu hurt rt.. He mini minimi mize zess his his soci social al inte intera ract ctio ions ns and and us uses es "mes "messe seng nger ers" s" to comm commun unic icat ate e with with the the outside. Devoid of energy, the narcissist can no longer pretend to succumb to social conventions. His former compliance gives way to open withdrawal (a rebellion of sorts). Smiles are transformed to frowns, courtesy becomes rudeness, emphasized etiquette used as a weapon, an outlet of aggression, an act of violence. The narcissist, narcissist, blinded by pain, seeks to restore restore his balance, balance, to take take anoth another er sip sip of the the narc narcis issi sist stic ic ne nect ctar ar.. In this this ques quest, t, the the narcissist turns both to and upon those nearest to him. His real attitude emerges: for him, his nearest and dearest are nothing but tools, tools, one one-di -dimens mension ional al instru instrumen ments ts of grati gratific ficati ation, on, Source Sourcess of Supply or pimps of such supply, supply, catering to his narcissistic lusts. Having failed to procure procure for him his "drug" (Narcissistic (Narcissistic Supply), Supply), the the narc narcis issi sist st rega regard rdss frie friend nds, s, coll collea eagu gues es,, and and ev even en fami family ly members as dysfunctional, frustrating objects. In his wrath, he tries ries to "men "mend" d" them them by forc forcin ingg them them to perf perfor orm m agai again, n, to function. This This is couple coupled d with with mercil merciless ess sel self-f f-flag lagell ellati ation, on, a deserv deservedl edlyy self-inflicted punishment, the narcissist feels. In extreme cases of deprivation, the narcissist entertains suicidal thoughts, this is how deeply he loathes his self and his dependence. Thro Th roug ugho hout ut,, the the narc narcis issi sist st is bese besett by a perv pervad adin ingg se sens nse e of malignant nostalgia, harking back to a past past,, which never existed except in the thwarted fantastic grandiosity of the narcissist. The longer lon ger the lack lack of Narcis Narcissis sistic tic Supply Supply,, the the more more the narcis narcissis sistt glorifies, re-writes, misses and mourns this past. This Th is no nost stal algi gia a se serv rves es to en enha hanc nce e othe otherr ne nega gati tive ve feel feelin ings gs,, together amounting to clinical depression. depression. The narcissist proceeds to develop paranoia. He concocts a prosecuting world, incorporating in it his life's events and his social milieu. This gives meaning to what is erroneously perceived by the narcissist to be a sudden shift (from over-supply to no supply). Thes Th ese e theo theori ries es of cons conspi pira racy cy acco accoun untt for for the the decr decrea ease se in Narcissistic Supply. Supply. The narcissist then – frightened, in pain, and in despair – embarks upon an orgy of self-destruction intended to generate "alternative Supply Sources" (attention) at all costs. The

narcissist is poised to commit the ultimate narcissistic act: selfdestruction in the service of self-aggrandizement. self-aggrandizement. When When depr depriv ived ed of Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly – both both Prima rimary ry AND AND Seco Second ndar aryy – the the narc narcis issi sist st feel feelss annu annull lled ed,, ho holl llow owed ed ou out, t, or ment me ntal ally ly dise disemb mbow owel elle led. d. Th This is is an over overpo powe weri ring ng se sens nse e of evaporatio evaporation, n, disintegr disintegration ation into molecules molecules of terrified terrified anguish, anguish, helplessly and inexorably. Witho ithout ut Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly the the narc narcis issi sist st crum crumbl bles es like like the the zombies or the vampires one sees in horror movies. It is terrifying and the narcissist will do anything to avoid it. Again, like the drug addi addict ct,, the the narc narcis issis sist’ t’ss with withdra drawa wall symp sympto toms ms are: are: delu delusi sion ons, s, physiological effects, irritability, and emotional lability. In the absence of regular Narcissistic Supply, narcissists often experience brief brief,, decom decompensa pensatory tory psych psychotic otic episo episodes des.. This also happens while in therapy or following a life-crisis accompanied by a major narcissistic injury. injury. Thes Th ese e psyc psycho hoti ticc epis episod odes es may may be clos closel elyy alli allied ed to anot anothe herr feat featur ure e of narc narcis issi sism sm:: magi magica call thin thinki king ng.. Narc Narcis issi sist stss are are like like children in this sense. Many, for instance, fully believe in two things: that whatever happens, they will prevail and that good things will always happen to them. It is more than mere belief. Narcissists just KNOW it, the same way one "knows" about gravity: directly, immediately and assuredly. The narcissist believes that, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail and triumph, triumph, always come on top. The narcissist is, therefore, fearless in a manner perceived by others to be both admirable and reckless. He attributes to himself divine and cosmic immunity immunity:: he cloaks himself in it, it renders him invisible to his enemies and to the powers of "evil". It is a childish phantasmagoria, but to the narcissist it is very real. With equal certitude, the more self-aware narcissist knows that he will squander this good fortune time and again – a painful expe ex peri rien ence ce best best avoi avoide ded. d. So, So, no matt matter er wh what at se sere rend ndipi ipity ty or fortui fortuity ty,, what what luc lucky ky circum circumsta stance nce,, what what blessi blessing ng the narcis narcissis sistt receives, he always strives with blind fury to deflect them and, thus, to ruin his chances. Return

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 16

The Delusional Way Out

"The man abandoned by all gods escapes completely from reality  and creates for himself another world in which he … can achieve everything that he wants. as been unloved, even tormented, he now splits off from himself a part which in the form of a helpful, loving, often motherly minder commiserates with the tormented  remainder of the self, nurses him and decides for him … with the deepest wisdom and most penetrating intelligence…"  [Ferenczi [Ferenczi and Sandor Sandor – "Notes "Notes and Fragments" Fragments" – Internatio International nal Journal of Psychoanalysis – Vol XXX (1949), p. 234]

Question: When my husband goes through a bad spot, he shuts himself in his den all day long, doesn't talk to anyone, just surfs the Web. Web. Is this typical? Should I be worried?  Answer: The study of narcissism is a century old and the two scholarly debates central to its conception are still undecided. Is there such a thing as HEALTHY adult narcissism (Kohut) – or are all the manifestations of narcissism in adulthood pathological (Freud, Kernber Ke rnberg)? g)? Moreover Moreover,, is pathologic pathological al narcissism narcissism the outcome outcome of verbal verbal,, sexual sexual,, physic physical, al, or psycho psycholog logica icall abuse abuse (the (the prevai prevailin lingg view) – or, on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolizing it (Millon, Freud in his alter writings)? The second debate is easier to resolve if one agrees to adopt a more ore compr ompre ehe hens nsiv ive e defi defini nittion ion of "abu "abusse". e". Ov Ove erwee rween ning, ing, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child are all forms of parental abuse. This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his parents' discontented lives, a tool, the magic wand with whic wh ich h they they can can tran transf sfor orm m thei theirr failu failure ress into into su succ cces esse ses, s, thei theirr

humiliation into victory, and their frustrations into happiness. The chil ch ild d is taug taught ht to igno ignore re real realit ityy and and to occu occupy py the the pare parent ntal al fantastic space. Such an unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment. The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality – empathy, empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skill skills, s, persev persevera erance nce and goal-o goal-orie rienta ntatio tion, n, not to men mentio tion n the the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it – are all lacking or missing altogether. altogether. This kind of child turned adult sees no reason to invest in his skills and education, convinced as he is that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merits but as an inevitable, foreordained birth right). In other words, the budding narcissist is not meritocratic but aristocratic. But such a mental structure is brittle, susceptible to criticism and disagreement, vulnerable to incessant encounters with a harsh and intolerant world. Deep inside, narcissists of both kinds (those wrought by "classic" abuse and those yielded by being idolized) feel feel inad inadeq equa uate te,, phon phoney ey,, fake fake,, infe inferi rior or,, and and dese deserv rvin ingg of punishment. Millon makes a distinction between several types of narcissists. He wrongly assumes that the "classic" narcissist is the outcome of overvaluation, idolization, and spoiling and, thus, is possessed of supreme, unchallenged, self-confidence, and is devoid of all selfdoubt. According to Millon, it is the "compensatory" narcissist that falls falls prey prey to naggin naggingg sel self-d f-doub oubts, ts, fee feelin lings gs of inferi inferiori ority ty,, and a masochistic desire for self-punishment. Yet, the distinction is both wrong and unnecessary. There is only ONE type of narcissist – thou though gh the here re are are TWO TWO deve develo lopm pmen enta tall path pathss to it. it. An And d AL ALL L narcissists are besieged by deeply ingrained (though at times not conscious conscious)) feelings feelings of inadequacy inadequacy,, fears of failure, failure, masochist masochistic ic desi desire ress to be pena penali lize zed, d, a fluc fluctu tuat atin ingg se sens nse e of se self lf-w -wor orth th (regulated by Narcissistic Supply), and an overwhelming sensation of fraudulence. The Grandi Grandiosi osity ty Gap (betwe (between en a fantas fantastic ticall allyy grand grandios iose e sel selffimage and actual, limited, accomplishments and achievements) is grating. Its recurrence threatens the precariously balanced house of cards that is the narcissistic personality. The narcissist finds, to his chagrin that people are much less admiring, accommodating and accepting than his parents. As he grows old, old, the narcissist

often often become becomess the target target of consta constant nt derisi derision on and mocker mockeryy, a sorry sight indeed. His claims to superiority appear less plausible and substantial the more often and the longer he makes them. Patho atholo logi gica call narc narcis issi sism sm – orig origin inal ally ly a defe defenc nce e me mech chan anis ism m intended to shield the narcissist from an injurious world – becomes the main source of hurt, a generator of injuries, counterpro counterproducti ductive ve and dangerous. dangerous. Overwhelmed Overwhelmed by negative negative or absent Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is forced to let go of it. The nar narcis cissis sist the hen n res resort orts to selfelf-de delu lussion. ion. Unabl nable e to compl complete etely ly ign ignore ore contr contrari arian an opinio opinion n and data, data, he trans transmut mutes es them. Unable to face the dismal failure that he is, the narcissist partially withdraws from reality. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortio distortions, ns, half-trut half-truths hs and outlandish outlandish interpreta interpretations tions of events events around him. These solutions can be classified thus: The Delusional Narrative Solution

The narcissist constructs a narrative in which he figures as the hero: brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. The bigger the strain on this delusional charade – the greater the gap between fantasy and reality – the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies. Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces reality and the narcissist's reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and may become schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid. The Antisocial Solution

The narc arciss issist ist reno renoun uncces real eality ity. To his mind, ind, tho hosse wh who o pusill pusillani animous mously ly fail fail to recog recogniz nize e his unboun unbounded ded talen talents, ts, inn innate ate supe uperior riorit ityy, over overar arcching hing bril brilli lia anc nce e, bene benevo vole lent nt nat nature ure, entitlement, cosmically important mission, perfection, etc. do not deserve deserve considerat consideration. ion. The narcissis narcissist's t's natural natural affinity affinity with the criminal – his lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skil skills ls,, his his disr disreg egar ard d for for soci social al laws laws and and mora morals ls,, and and his his poor poor impu impuls lse e cont contro roll – no now w erup eruptt and and blos blosso som. m. He beco become mess a full full fled fledge ged d anti antiso soci cial al (soc (socio iopa path th or psyc psycho hopa path th). ). He igno ignore ress the the wishes and needs of others, he breaks the law, he violates all rights, both natural and legal, he holds people in contempt and disdain, he derides society and its codes, he punishes the ignorant ingr ingrat ates es wh who, o, to his his mind mind,, drov drove e him him to this this stat state e by acti acting ng criminally and by jeopardising their safety, lives, or property. The Paranoid Schizoid Solution

The narcissist develops persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to idea ideass of refe refere renc nce e (he (he beco become mess conv convin ince ced d that that peop people le are are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his affairs, hacking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the centre of malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, im, puni punissh him, him, absco bscond nd wit with his his prop proper erty ty,, delu delude de him, him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him, and so on. Some narcissists withdraw completely from a world populated with such minacious and ominous objects (really projections of intern internal al object objectss and proces processes ses). ). The Theyy avoid avoid all social social contac contact, t, except the most necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they become schizoids – not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their choice. "This evil, hopeless world does not deserve me" – goes the inner refrain – "and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it." The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive) Solution

Other narcissists, who develop persecutory delusions, resort to an aggr aggres essi sive ve stan stance ce,, a more more viol violen entt reso resolu luti tion on of thei theirr inte intern rnal al conflict. They become verbally, verbally, psychologically, psychologically, situationally (and, very rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, self-righteousness, condemnation, and blame. Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything – even the most innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent comment – as designed to provoke and humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malig malignan nantt envy. envy. The Theyy flail flail agains againstt the windmi windmills lls of realit realityy – a pathet pathetic, ic, forlor forlorn, n, sight. sight. But often often they they cause cause real real and lasti lasting ng damage – fortunately, mainly to themselves. The Masochistic Avoidant Solution

The narcissist is angered by the lack of Narcissistic Supply. He dire direct ctss some some of this this fu fury ry inwa inward rds, s, puni punish shin ingg hims himsel elff for for his his "failure". This masochistic behaviour has the added "benefit" of forcing the narcissist's closest to assume the roles of dismayed

spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves. Self Self--admi admini nisstere tered d puni punisshm hmen entt ofte often n mani maniffes estts as self elfhandicapping masochism – a narcissistic cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile narc narciss issis istt avoi avoids ds addi additi tion onal al crit critic icis ism m and and ce cens nsur ure e (neg (negat ativ ive e supply supply). ). Self-in Self-infli flicte cted d failur failure e is the narcis narcissis sist's t's doing doing and thus thus proves that he is the master of his own fate. Masochistic narcissists keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible and "an objective assessment of their performance improbable"  [Millon, 2000]. They act carelessl carelesslyy, withdraw withdraw in mid-effort, mid-effort, are constantl constantlyy fatigued, fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by "deciding to abort" they reassert their omnipotence. The narcissist's pronounced and public misery and self-pity are comp compen ensa sato tory ry and and "rei "reinf nfo orce rce (his (his)) sel self-es f-estteem eem agai agains nstt overwhelmin overwhelming g convictions convictions of worthlessnes worthlessness"  s"  [Millo [Millon, n, 2000]. 2000]. His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated Narcissistic Supply. Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such a narcissist feels! [Add [A ddit itio iona nall read readin ing: g: Mi Mill llon on,, Th Theo eodo dore re and and Davi Davis, s, Rog oger er – Personality Disorders in Modern Life, 2nd Edition – New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000] Note: The Prodigy as Narcissistic Injury

The prodigy – the precocious "genius" – feels entitled to special treatment.. Yet, his unrealistic expectations are rarely fulfilled. treatment This frustrates him and renders him even more aggressive aggressive,, driven, and overachieving than he is by nature. Not all precoc precocious ious prodig prodigies ies end up underunder-ac accom compli plishe shed d and petulant. Many of them go on to attain great stature in their communities and great standing in their professions professions.. But, even then, the gap between the kind of treatment they believe that they deserve and the one they are getting is unbridgeable. This is because narcissistic prodigies often misjudge the extent and and impo import rtan ance ce of thei theirr acco accomp mpli lish shme ment ntss and, and, as a resu result lt,, erroneously consider themselves to be indispensable and worthy of special rights, perks, and privileges. When they find out otherwise, they are devastated and furious furious..

Moreover, people are envious of the prodigy. The genius serves as a cons consta tant nt remi remind nder er to othe others rs of thei theirr me medio diocr crit ityy, lack lack of creativity, and mundane existence. Naturally, they try to "bring him down to their level" and "cut him down to size". The gifted person person's 's haught haughtine iness ss and hig high-h h-hand andedn edness ess onl onlyy exacer exacerbat bate e his strained relationships. In a way, merely by existing, the prodigy inflicts constant and repeated narci narcissis ssistic tic injur injuries ies on the less endowed and the pedestrian. This creates a vicious cycle. People try to hurt and harm harm the the over overwe ween enin ingg and and arro arroga gant nt ge geni nius us and and he beco become mess defens defensive ive,, aggres aggressiv sive, e, and aloof. aloof. This This render renderss him even even more more obnoxious than before and others resent him more deeply and more thoroughly. Hurt and wounded, he retreats into fantasies of grandeur and revenge. And the cycle re-commences. Grandiosity and Intimacy – The Roots of Paranoia

Paranoid ideation – the narcissist's deep-rooted conviction that he is being persecuted by his inferiors, detractors, or powerful illwish wisher erss – se serv rves es two two psyc psycho hody dyna nami micc purp purpos oses es.. It uphol upholds ds the the narcissist's grandiosity and it fends off intimacy. Grandiosity Enhancing Paranoia

Being the target of relentless, ubiquitous, and unjust persecution proves proves to the paranoid narcissist narcissist how important important and feared feared he is. Bein Beingg ho houn unde ded d by the the migh mighty ty and and the the priv privil ileg eged ed vali valida date tess his his pivotal role in the scheme of things. Only vital, weighty, crucial, essential principals are thus bullied and intimidated, followed and harassed, stalked and intruded upon goes his unconscious inner dialog. dialog. The narcis narcissis sistt consis consisten tently tly baits baits author authority ity figures figures into into punishing him and thus into upholding his delusional self-image as worthy worthy of their their attent attention ion.. This This provoc provocati ative ve behavi behaviour our is called called Projective Projective Identification. The paranoid delusions of the narcissist are always grandiose, "cos "cosmi micc", or "his "histo tori rica cal" l".. His pur pursu suer erss are infl influe uent ntia iall and and formidable. They are after his unique possessions, out to exploit his expertise and special traits, or to force him to abstain and refrain from certain actions. The narcissist feels that he is at the centre of intrigues and conspiracies of colossal magnitude. Al Alte tern rnat ativ ivel elyy, the the narc narcis issi sist st feel feelss vict victimi imize zed d by me medi dioc ocre re bureau bureaucra crats ts and intell intellect ectual ual dwarve dwarvess who consis consisten tentl tlyy fail fail to appreciate his outstanding – really, unparalleled – talents, skills, and accomplishments. Being hunted by his challenged inferiors substant substantiates iates the narcissis narcissist's t's comparativ comparative e superiority superiority.. Driven Driven by

pathological envy, these pygmies collude to defraud him, badger him, deny him his due, denigrate, isolate, and ignore i gnore him. The narc narcis isssist ist pro proje ject ctss onto nto this his sec econ ond d cla class of les lesse serr pers persec ecut utor orss his his own own dele delete teri riou ouss em emot otio ions ns and and tran transf sfor orme med d aggression: hatred, rage, and seething jealousy. The narcissist's paranoid streak is likeliest to erupt when he lacks Narcissistic Supply. Supply . The regulation of his labile sense of selfworth is dependent upon external stimuli: adoration, adulation, affirmation, applause, notoriety, fame, infamy, and, in general, attention of any kind. When such attention is deficient, the narcissist compensates by confabulating.. He constructs ungrounded narratives in which he is confabulating the protagonist and uses them to force his human environment into complicity. Put Put simp simply ly,, he provo provoke kess peop people le to pay pay atte attent ntio ion n to him him by misbehaving or by behaving oddly. Intimacy Retarding Paranoia

Paranoia is used by the narcissist to ward off or reverse intimacy. The narcissist is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to ordinariness by exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by caus causin ingg him him to act act "nor "norma mall lly" y".. Th The e narc narcis issi sist st also also drea dreads ds the the encoun enc ounter ter with with his deep deep buried buried emotio emotions ns – hurt, hurt, env envyy, anger anger,, aggression – likely to be foisted on him in an intimate relationship. The paranoid narrative legitimizes intimacy-retarding behaviours such such as kee keepin pingg one one's 's distan distance, ce, secrec secrecyy, aloofn aloofness ess,, reclusi reclusion, on, aggression, intrusion on privacy, lying, desultoriness, itinerancy, unpr un pred edic icta tabi bili lity ty,, and and idio idiosy sync ncra rati ticc or eccen ccentr tric ic reac reacti tion ons. s. Gradually, the narcissist succeeds to alienate and wear down all his his frie friend nds, s, coll collea eagu gues es,, we well ll-w -wis ishe hers rs,, spou spouse ses, s, part partne ners rs,, and and mates. Eve Even his his clos loses estt, ne nea arest rest,, and and dear deares est, t, his his fami amily, ly, fe fee el emotionally detached and "burnt out". The paranoid narcissist ends life as an oddball recluse: derided, feared, and loathed in equal measures. His paranoia – exacerbated by repeated rejections and ageing – pervades his entire life and dimi dimini nish shes es his his crea creati tivi vity ty,, adap adapta tabi bili lity ty,, and and func functi tion onin ing. g. Th The e narcissist's personality, buffeted by paranoia, turns ossified and brittle. Finally, atomized and useless, it succumbs and gives way to a great void. The narcissist is consumed. First published on the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Topic.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 19

The Unstable Narcissist

the narc narcis issi sist st ch char arac acte teri rize zed d by simu simult ltan aneo eous us Question: Is the instabilities in all the important aspects of his life?  Answer: The narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from other people's reactions to an image he invents and projects, called the False Self (Narcissistic Supply). Since no abso absolu lute te cont contro roll over over the the quan quanti tity ty and and qual qualit ityy of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to fluctuate – the narcissist's view of himself and of his world is correspondingly and equally volatile. As "pub "publi licc opin opinio ion" n" ebbs ebbs and and flow flows, s, so do the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's se self lf-confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, or, in other words, so does his Self. Even the narcissist's convictions are subject to a never-ending process of vetting by others. The narcissistic personality is unstable unstable in each each and every one of its its dime dimens nsio ions ns.. It is the the ulti ultima mate te hy hybr brid id:: rigi rigidl dlyy amor amorph phou ous, s, devout devoutly ly fle flexib xible, le, relian reliantt for its susten sustenanc ance e on the opinio opinion n of peop people le,, wh whom om the the narc narcis issi sist st un unde derv rval alue ues. s. A larg large e part part of this this inst instab abiility lity is subsu ubsume med d un unde derr the the Emo Emotiona ionall Invo Involv lve eme ment nt Prevention Prevention Measures (EIPM), described in the Essay Essay.. The narcissist's lability is so ubiquitous and so dominant, that it might well be described as the ONLY stable feature of his personality. The narcissist does everything with one goal in mind: to attract Narcissistic Supply (attention). An example of this kind of behaviour: The narcissist may study a given subject diligently and in great depth in order to impress people later with this newly acquired erudition. But, having served its purpose, the narcissist lets the knowledge thus acquired evaporate. The narcissist maintains a sort of a "short-term" cell or warehouse where he stores whatever may come handy in the pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. But he is almost

never really interested in what he does, or studies, or experiences. From the outside, this might be perceived as instability. But think about it this way: the narcissist is constantly preparing for life's "exams" and feels that he is on a permanent trial. It is commo common n to forget forget mater material ial studie studied d onl onlyy in prepar preparati ation on for an exam or for a court appearance. Short-term memory is perfectly normal. What sets the narcissist apart is the fact that, with him, this short-termism is a CONSTANT stat state e of affa affair irss and and affe affect ctss AL ALL L his his func functi tion ons, s, no nott on only ly thos those e directly related to learning, or to emotions, or to experience, or to any single dimension of his life. Thus, the narcissist learns, remembers and forgets not in line with his real interests or hobbies; he loves and hates not the real subjects of his emotions but one dimensional, utilitarian, cartoons constructed by him. He judges, praises and condemns – all from the narrowest possible point of view: the potential to extract Narcissistic Supply. He asks not what he can do with the world and in it – but what can the world do for him as far as Narcissistic Supply is concerned. He falls in and out of love with people, workplaces, residences, vocations, hobbies, and interests because they seem to be able to provide more or less Narcissistic Supply and for no other reason. Still, narcissist ists belong to two broad categories ies: the "compensatory stability" and the "enhancing instability" types. Compensatory Compensatory Stability ("Classic") Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and "make these aspect/s stable". They do not really emotionally invest themselves in maintaining these areas of their lives lives stabl stable. e. Rather Rather,, this this stabil stability ity is safegu safeguard arded ed by artifi artificia ciall means: means: money money,, cel celebr ebrity ity,, power power,, fear fear. A typic typical al exampl example e is a narc narciss issis istt wh who o ch chan ange gess nu nume mero rous us work workpl plac aces es,, a few few care career ers, s, myriad hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maint maintain ainss (prese (preserve rves) s) a relati relations onship hip with with a single single woman woman (and (and even remains faithful to her). She is his "island of stability". To fulfil this role, she just needs to be physically present around him. The narcissist is dependent upon "his" woman to maintain the stability lacking in all other areas of his life (to compensate for his instability). Yet, emotional closeness and intimacy are bound to threaten the narcissist. Thus, he is likely to distance himself from her and to remain detached and indifferent i ndifferent to most of her needs.

Despite this cruel emotional treatment, the narcissist considers her to be a source of sustenance and a fountain of empowerment. This mismatch mismatch between what he wishes wishes to receive receive and what he is able to give, the narcissist prefers to deny, repress and bury deep in his unconscious. This is why he is always shocked and devastated to learn of his wife wife's 's es estr tran ange geme ment nt,, infi infide deli lity ty,, or inte intent ntio ions ns to divo divorc rce e him. him. Possessed of no emotional depth, being completely clueless and one track minded, he cannot fathom the needs of others. In other words, he cannot empathize empathize.. Another, even more common case is the "career narcissist". This narci narcissi ssist st marrie marries, s, divorc divorces es and remarr remarries ies with with dizzyi dizzying ng speed. speed. Ever Everyt ythi hing ng in his his life life is in cons consta tant nt flux flux:: frie friend nds, s, emoti motion ons, s, judg judgem emen ents ts,, valu values, es, belie beliefs fs,, plac place e of resi reside denc nce, e, affi affili liat atio ions ns,, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work. His career is the island of compensating stability in his otherwise mercu ercuri rial al exis xisten ence ce.. This his kind ind of nar narcis cissist sist is dogg dogged ed by unm nmit itig igat ated ed amb ambitio ition n and and devo devottion. ion. He per perse seve vere ress in on one e workplace or one job, patiently, persistently and blindly climbing up the the corp corpor orat ate e ladd ladder er and and trea treadi ding ng the the care career er path path.. In his his purs pursui uitt of job job fu fulf lfil ilme ment nt and and achi achiev evem emen ents ts,, the the work workah ahol olic ic narcissist is ruthless and unscrupulous, and, very often, successful. Enhancing Instability ("Borderline") Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant), he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives this type of narcissist the feeling that all the dimensions of his life are changing simultaneously, simultaneously, that he is being "unshackled", that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent "conversions", "decisions", "crises", "transformations", "developments" and "periods". They see through his pretensions, protestations, and solemn declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They Th ey kn know ow that that with with narc narcis issi sist sts, s, the the temp tempor orar aryy is the the on only ly permanence. Narcissists hate routine. When a narcissist finds himself doing the the same same thin things gs over over and and over over agai again, n, he ge gets ts depr depres esse sed. d. He oversl oversleep eeps, s, over-e over-eats ats,, over-d over-drin rinks ks and, and, in gen genera eral, l, eng engag ages es in addictive, impulsive, reckless reckless,, and compulsive behaviours behaviours.. This is

his his way way of re-i re-int ntro rodu duci cing ng risk risk and and ex exci cite teme ment nt into into wh what at he (emotionally) perceives to be a barren life. The problem is that even the most exciting and varied existence beco become mess rout routin ine e afte afterr a wh whil ile. e. Livi Living ng in the the same same coun countr tryy or apartment, meeting the same people, doing essentially the same things (even with changing content) all amount, in the eyes of the narcissist, to stultifying rote. The narcissist feels entitled. He feels it is his right – due to his intellectual or physical superiority – to lead a thrilling, rewarding, kaleidoscopic life. He wants to force life itself, or at least people around him, to yield to his wishes and needs, supreme among them the need for stimulating variety. This rejection of habit is part of a larger pattern of aggressive enti en titl tlem emen ent. t. Th The e narc narcis issi sist st feel feelss that that the the ve very ry ex exis iste tenc nce e of a sublime intellect (such as his) warrants concessions and allowances by others. Thus, queuing in line is a waste of time better spent pursuing knowledge, inventing and creating. The narcissist feels that he deserves only the best medical treatment proffered by the most prominent medical authorities – lest the precious asset that he is should be lost to Mankind. The narcissist makes clear that he should not be bothered with trivial pursuits – these lowly functions are best assigned to the less gifted. Entitlement is sometimes justified in a Picasso or an Einstein. But few narcissists are either. Their achievements are grotesquely incommensurate with their overwhelming sense of entitlement and with their grandiose self-image. Of course, this overpowering sense of superiority often serves to mask mask and compen compensat sate e for a cancer cancerous ous comple complexx of inferi inferiori ority ty.. More Mo reov over er,, the the narc narcis issi sist st infe infect ctss othe others rs with with his his proj projec ecte ted d grandiosity and their feedback constitutes the edifice upon which he constructs his self-esteem. He regulates his sense of self-worth by rigi rigidl dlyy insi insist stin ingg that that he is abov above e the the madd maddin ingg crow crowd d wh while ile deriving his Narcissistic Supply from the very people he holds in deep contempt. But there is a second angle to this abhorrence of the predictable. Narcissists employ a host of Emotional Involvement Prevention Measures (EIPM's). Despising routine and avoiding it is one on e of thes these e me mech chan anis isms ms.. Th Thei eirr fu func ncti tion on is to prev preven entt the narcissist narcissist from getting getting emotionall emotionallyy involved involved and, subsequent subsequently ly,, hurt. Their applicatio application n results results in an Approach-A Approach-Avoidance voidance Repetition epetition Complex. The narcissist fears and loathes intimacy, stability and

security and yet craves them. Consequently, he approaches and then then avoi avoids ds sign signif ific ican antt othe others rs or impo import rtan antt task taskss in a rapi rapid d succession of apparently inconsistent and disconnected cycles. The Two Loves of the Narcissist

Narcissists "love" their spouses or other significant others – as long as they continue to reliably provide them with Narcissistic Supply (in one word, with attention). Inevitably, they regard others as mere me re "sou "sourc rces es", ", obje object cts, s, or func functi tion ons. s. Lack Lackin ingg em empa pathy thy and and emotional maturity, the narcissist's love is pathological. But the precise locus of the pathology depends on the narcissist's stability or instability in different parts of his life. We are, are, ther theref efor ore, e, face faced d with with two two path pathol olog ogic ical al form formss of narcissistic "love". One type of narcissist "loves" others as one attaches to objects. He "loves" his spouse, for instance, simply because she exists and is available to provide him with Narcissistic Supply. He "loves" his children because they are part of his self-image as a successful husband and father. He "loves" his "friends "friends"" because – and only as long as – he can exploit them. Such a narcissist reacts with alarm and rage to any sign of independence and autonomy in his "charges". He tries to "freeze" everyone around him in their "allocated" positions and "assigned roles". His world is rigid and immovable, predictable and static, fully under his control. He punishes for "transgressions" against this orda ordain ined ed orde orderr. He thus thus stif stifle less life life as a dyna dynami micc proc proces esss of compromises and growth rendering it instead a mere theatre, a tableau vivant. The other type of narcissist abhors monotony and constancy, equa equati ting ng them them,, in his his mind mind,, with with deat death. h. He se seek ekss uphe upheav aval al,, drama, and change, but only when they conform to his plans, designs, and views of the world and of himself. Thus, he does not encour enc ourage age growth growth in his neares nearestt and deares dearest. t. By monopol monopolizi izing ng their lives, he, like the other kind of narcissist, also reduces them to mere objects, props in the exciting drama of his life. This Th is narc narcis issi sist st like likewi wise se rage ragess at any any sign sign of rebe rebell llio ion n and and disagreement. But, as opposed to the first sub-species, he seeks to animate others with his demented energy, grandiose plans, and megalomaniacal self-perception. An adrenaline junkie, junkie, his world is a whirlwind of comings and goings, reunions and separations, loves and hates, vocations adopted and discarded, schemes erected and dismantled, enemies turned friends and vice versa. His Universe is equally a theatre, but a more ferocious and chaotic one.

Where is love in all this? Where is the commitment to the loved one' on e'ss we welf lfar are, e, the the se self lf-d -dis isci cipli pline ne,, the the ex exte tens nsio ion n of on ones esel elff to incorporate the beloved, the mutual growth? These are nowhere to be seen. The narcissist's "love" is hate and fear disguised: fear of losing control and hatred of the very people his precariously balanced personality so depends on. The narcissist is egotistically committed only to his own well-being. To him, the objects of his "love" are interchangeable and inferior. inferior. He idealizes his nearest and dearest not because he is smitten by em emot otio ion, n, but but beca becaus use e he ne need edss to capt captiv ivat ate e them them and and to convince himself that they are worthy Sources of Supply, despite thei theirr flaw flawss and and me medi dioc ocri rity ty.. On Once ce he deem deemss them them us usel eles ess, s, he discards and devalues them cold-bloodedly. A predator, always on the look looko out, ut, he deba debase sess the coin of "lov "love e" as he cor corrupt ruptss everything else in himself and around him. Return

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self  Love - Narcissism Revisited" Click HERE Click HERE to buy the print edition from Barnes and Noble or HERE to buy it from Amazon Amazon Click HERE Click HERE to buy the print edition from the publisher and receive a BONUS PACK  Click HERE Click HERE to buy various electronic books (ebooks) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships Click HERE Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of eight electronic electronic books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 24

Other People's Pain

Question: Do narcissists actually enjoy the taunting, the sadistic behaviour, and the punishment that always follows?  Answer: Most Most narci narcissi ssists sts enj enjoy oy an irrati irrationa onall and brief brief burst burst of relief after having suffered emotionally ("narcissistic (" narcissistic injury") injury") or after having sustained a loss. It is a sense of freedom, which come comess with with bein beingg un unsh shac ackl kled ed.. Havi Having ng lost lost ev ever eryt ythi hing ng,, the the narcissist often feels that he has found himself, that he has been re-born, that he has been charged with natal energy, able to take on new challenges and to explore new territories. This elation is so addi addict ctiv ive, e, that that the the narc narcis issi sist st often often se seek ekss pain pain,, hu humi mili liat atio ion, n, punishment punishment,, scorn, and contempt contempt – as long as they are public and invo involv lve e the the atte attent ntio ion n of peers peers and and su supe peri rior ors. s. Bein Beingg pena penali lize zed d accords with the tormenting inner voices of the narcissist which keep telling him that he is bad, corrupt, and worthy of punishment. This is the masochistic streak in the narcissist. But the narcissist is also a sadist, albeit an unusual one. The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources of Supply, callously and offh offhan ande dedl dlyy aban abando dons ns them them,, and and disc discar ards ds peop people le,, plac places es,, partne partnersh rships ips,, and friend friendshi ships ps unh unhesi esitat tating ingly ly.. Some Some narcis narcissis sists ts,, thou though gh by no me mean anss the the majo majori rity ty,, actua ctuall llyy ENJO ENJOY Y abus abusin ing, g, taunting, tormenting, and freakishly controlling others ("gaslighting"). But most of them do these things absentmindedly, automatically, and, often, even without good reason. What What is un unus usua uall abou aboutt the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's sadi sadist stic ic beha behavi viou ours rs – prem premed edit itat ated ed acts acts of torm tormen enti ting ng othe others rs wh while ile en enjo joyi ying ng thei theirr angu anguis ishe hed d reac reacti tion onss – is that that they they are are go goal al orie orient ntat ated ed.. "Pur "Pure" e" sadists have no goal in mind except the pursuit of pleasure: pain as an art form (remember the Marquis de Sade?). Conversely, the narcissist haunts and hunts his victims for a reason: he wants them

to reflect his inner state. It is all part of a psychological defence mechanism called Projective Projective Identification. When the narcissist is angry, unhappy, disappointed, injured, or hurt, he feels unable to express his emotions sincerely and openly since to do so would be to admit his frailty, his neediness, and his weakne weaknesse sses. s. He deplor deplores es his own hum humani anity ty:: his emotio emotions, ns, his vulnerability, his susceptibility, his gullibility, his inadequacies, and his failures. So, he makes use of other people to express his pain and his frustration, his pent up anger and his aggression. He achieves this by mentally torturing other people to the point of madness, by driving them to violence, by forcing them to search for an outlet, for closure closure,, and, sometimes, sometimes, revenge. revenge. He causes causes peop people le to lose lose thei theirr own own ch char arac acte terr trai traits ts and and ad adop optt hi hiss ow own n instead.. instead In reac reacti tion on to his his cons consta tant nt and and we well ll-t -tar arge gete ted d abus abuse, e, they they become abusive, vengeful, ruthless, lacking empathy, obsessed, and aggressive. They mirror him faithfully and thus relieve him of the need to express himself directly. Having Having const construc ructed ted this this hall hall of writhi writhing ng hum human an mirror mirrors, s, the narcissist withdraws. His goal achieved, he lets go. As opposed to the sadist, he is not in it, indefinitely, for the pleasure. He abuses and traumatizes, humiliates and abandons, discards and ignores, insults and provokes only for the purpose of purging his inner demons. By possessing others, he purifies himself, cathartically, and exorcizes his demented self. This accomplished, he acts almost with remorse. An episode of extre xtreme me abus abuse e is foll follo owe wed d by an act of grea greatt care care and and by mellifluous apologies. The Narcissistic Pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing others and soothing the resulting pain. This Th is inco incong ngruo ruous us beha behavi viou ourr, thes these e "sud "sudde den" n" sh shif ifts ts betw betwee een n sadism and compassion, abuse and "love", ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self-worth, fear, stress, and anxiety (often described as "walking on eggshells"). Gradually, emotional paralysis sets in and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, in effect his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one and even when he is long out of their lives. The Narcissism of Differences Big and Small

Freud Freud coined coined the the phrase phrase "narci "narcissi ssism sm of small small differ differenc ences" es" in a paper titled "The Taboo of Virginity" that he published in 1917. Referring to earlier work by British anthropologist Ernest Crawley, he said that we reserve our most virulent emotions – aggression, hatred, envy – towards those who resemble us the most. We feel threatened not by the Other with whom we have little in common – but by the "nearly-we", who mirror and reflect us. The "nearly-he" "nearly-he" imperils imperils the narcissis narcissist's t's selfhood selfhood and challenges challenges his uniqueness, perfection, and superiority: the fundaments of the narc narciss issis ist' t'ss se sens nse e of se self lf-wo -wort rth. h. It prov provok okes es in him him prim primit itiv ive e narcissistic defences and leads him to adopt desperate measures to protect, preserve, and restore his balance. I call it the Array of Gulliver Defence Mechanisms. The very existence of the "nearly-he" constitutes a narcissistic injury. The narcissist feels humiliated, shamed, and embarrassed not to be unique after all and he reacts with envy and aggression towards this source of frustration. In doing so, he resorts to splitting, projection, and Projective Identification. He attributes to other people personal traits that he dislikes in himself and he forces them to behave in conformity with his expectations. In other words, the narcissist sees in others those those parts parts of himsel himselff that that he cannot cannot counte countenan nance. ce. He forces forces people around him to become him and to reflect his shameful behaviours, hidden fears, and forbidden wishes. But how does the narcissist avoid the realization that what he loudly decries and derides is actually part of o f him? By exaggerating, or ev even en drea dreami ming ng up and and crea creati tive vely ly inve invent ntin ing, g, diffe iffere renc nces es between his qualities and conduct and other people's. The more hostile he becomes towards the "nearly-he", the easier it is to distinguish himself from "the Other". To maintain this differentiating aggression, the narcissist stokes the the fire firess of ho host stil ilit ityy by obse obsess ssiv ivel elyy and and ve veng ngef eful ully ly nu nurt rtur urin ingg grudges and hurts (some of them imagined). He dwells on injustice and and pain pain infl inflic icte ted d on him him by the hese se ster stereo eoty typi pica call llyy "bad "bad or unworthy" people. He devalues and dehumanizes them and plots reve reveng nge e to ach chie ieve ve clos closur ure. e. In the the proc proces ess, s, he indu indulg lges es in grandiose fantasies, aimed to boost his feelings of omnipotence and magical immunity. In the process of acquiring an adversary, adversary, the narcissist blocks out info inform rmat atio ion n that that thre threat aten enss to un unde derm rmin ine e his his em emer ergi ging ng se self lf-perception as righteous and offended. He begins to base his whole ide identit ntityy on the brew brewin ingg con onfl flic ictt wh whic ich h is by no now w a maj major

preoccupation and a defining or even all-pervasive dimension of his existence. Very ery mu much ch the the same same dyna dynami micc appl applie iess to copi coping ng with with majo majorr differences between the narcissist and others. He emphasizes the large disparities while transforming even the most minor ones into decisive and unbridgeable. Deep inside, the narcissist is continuously subject to a gnawing suspicion suspicion that his self-perce self-perception ption as omnipotent omnipotent,, omniscient omniscient,, and irre irresis sisti tibl ble e is flaw flawed ed,, confabulated confabulated,, and and un unrreali ealisstic. ic. When criticized, the narcissist actually agrees with the critic. In other words, there are only minor differences of opinion between the narcissist and his detractors. But this threatens the narcissist's internal cohesion. Hence the wild rage at any hint of disagreement, resistance, or debate. Similarly, intimacy brings people closer together: it makes them more similar. There are only minor differences between intimate partners. The narcissist perceives this as a threat to his sense of uniqueness. He reacts by devaluing the cause of his fears: the mate, spouse, lover, or partner. He re-establishes the boundaries and and the the dist distin inct ctio ions ns that that we were re remo remove ved d by inti intima macy cy.. Th Thus us restored, he is emotionally ready to embark on another round of idealization (the Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex). First published on the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Topic.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 40

To Age with Grace

"Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by  Time."  [Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching Watching God, 1937]

"Do not go gentle into that good night, / Old age should burn and rave at close of day; / Rage, rage against the dying of the light."  [Dylan Thomas, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good G ood Night]

"The permanent temptation of life is to confuse dreams with reality. Then permanent defeat of life comes when dreams are surrendered to reality."  [James Michener, Author]

The narcissist ages without mercy and without grace. His withered body and his overwrought mind betray him all at once. He stares with incredulity and rage at cruel mirrors. He refuses to accept his growin owingg falli allibi bili litty. He rebel ebelss again gainst st his his dec decrepi repittude ude and mediocrity. mediocrity. Accustomed to being awe-inspiring and the recipient of adulation, the narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the pathetic figure that he cuts in his senescence. As a child prodigy, prodigy, a sex symbol, a stud, a public intellectual, an actor, an idol, the narcissist was at the centre of attention, the eye of his personal twister, a black hole which sucked people's energy and resources dry and spat out with indifference their mutilated carcasses. No longer. With old age comes disillusionment. Old charms wear thin. Having been exposed for what he is – a deceitful, treacherous, malignant egotist – the narcissist's old tricks now fail him. People

are on their guard, their gullibility reduced. The narcissist – being the rigid, precariously balanced structure that he is – can't change. He reve revert rtss to old old form forms, s, re-a re-ado dopt ptss ho hoar aryy habi habits ts,, su succ ccum umbs bs to erstwhile temptations. He is made a mockery by his accentuated denial of reality, by his obdurate refusal to grow up, an eternal, malformed child in the sagging body of a decaying man. It is the fable of the grasshopper and the ant revisited. The narcissist – the grasshopper – having relied on supercilious stratagems throughout his life, is singularly ill-adapted to life's rigo rigour urss and and trib tribul ulat atio ions. ns. He feel feelss en enti titl tled ed,, but but fail failss to elic elicit it Narcissistic Supply. Wrinkled time makes child prodigies lose their magic, magic, lovers lovers exh exhaus austt their their potenc potencyy, philan philander derers ers waste waste their their allure, and geniuses lose their touch. The longer the narcissist lives, the more average he becomes. The wider the gulf between his his pret preten ensi sion onss and and his his acco accomp mpli lish shme ment nts, s, the the more more he is the the object of derision and contempt. Yet, few narcissists save for rainy days. Few bother to study a trade, or get an academic degree, pursue a career, maintain a business, keep their jobs, or raise functioning families, nurture thei theirr frie friend ndsh ships ips,, or broa broade den n thei theirr ho hori rizo zons ns.. Narc Narcis issi sist stss are are perennially ill-prepared. Those who succeed in their vocation, end up bitterly alone having squandered the love of spouse, off-spring, and mates. The more gregarious and family-orientated often flunk at work, leap from one job to another, relocate erratically, forever itinerant and peripatetic. The contrast between his youth and prime and his dilapidated present constitutes a permanent narcissistic injury. The narcissist retreats deeper into himself to find solace. He withdraws into the penumbral universe of his grandiose fantasies. There, on the verge of psychosis psychosis,, he salv salves es his his woun wounds ds and and comf comfor orts ts hims himsel elff with with trophies of his past. A rare minority of narcissists accept their fate with with fatali fatalism sm or good good hum humour our.. The These se precio precious us few are healed healed mysteriously by the deepest offence to their megalomania: old age. They lose their narcissism and confront the outer world with the the pois poise e and and comp compos osur ure e that that they they lack lacked ed wh when en they they we were re captives of their own, distorted, narrative. Such Such chang hanged ed narc arciss issist ists deve develo lop p ne new w, mor more reali ealisstic, ic, expectations and hopes, commensurate with their talents, skills, accom accompli plishm shment entss and educat education ion.. Ironic Ironicall allyy, it is invari invariabl ablyy too late. They are avoided and ignored, rendered transparent by their checkered past. They are passed over for promotion, never invited to professional or social gatherings, cold-shouldered by the media. They are snubbed snubbed and disregarded. disregarded. They are never the recipients recipients

of perk perks, s, bene beneffits its, or award wardss. Th They ey are are bla blame med d wh when en no nott blameworthy and rarely praised when deserving. They are being constantly and consistently punished for who they once were. It is poet poetic ic just justic ice e in more more than than on one e way way. Th They ey are are bein beingg trea treate ted d narcissistically by their erstwhile victims. They are finally getting to taste their own medicine, the bitter harvest of their erstwhile wrath and arrogance. First published on the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Topic.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 50

The Inverted Narcissist

With contributions by the members of the Narcissism List

THE CLINICAL PICTURE AND DEVELOPMENTAL DEVELOPMENTAL ROOTS – OPENING REMARKS

Terminology

Co-Dependents

There Ther e is grea greatt conf confus usio ion n rega regard rdin ingg the the term termss co-d co-dep epen ende dent nt,, counter-dependent, and dependent. Like Like depe depend nden ents ts (peo (peopl ple e with with the the Depe Depend nden entt Perso ersona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder er), ), co-d co-dep epen ende dent ntss depe depend nd on othe otherr peop people le for for thei theirr emotional gratification and the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological functions. Co-dep Co-depend endent entss are nee needy dy,, demand demanding ing,, and submis submissiv sive. e. The Theyy suffer from abandonment anxiety and, to avoid being overwhelmed by it, they cling to others and act immaturely. immaturely. These beha behavi viou ours rs are are inte intend nded ed to elic elicit it prot protec ecti tive ve resp respon onse sess and and to safeguard the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. Co-dependents appear to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly they are mistreated, they remain committed. This is where the "co" in "co-dependence" comes into play. By accepting the role of victims, co-dependents seek to control their abusers and manipulate them. It is a danse macabre in which both members of the dyad collaborate. The Dependent Personality Disorder is a much disputed mental health diagnosis. We are all dependent to some degree. We all like to be taken care of. When is this need judged to be pathological, compulsive, pervasive, and excessive? Clinicians who contributed to the study of this disorder use words such as "craving", "clinging", "stifling"

(bot (both h the the depe depend nden entt and and he herr part partne ner) r),, and and "hum "humil ilia iati ting ng", ", or "sub "submi misssive" ive".. But But the hesse are all su subj bjec ecti tive ve term termss, open open to disagreement and differences of opinion. Moreover, Moreover, virtually all cultures encourage dependency to varying degrees. Even in developed countries, many women, the very old, the ve very ry youn youngg, the sick, ick, the crim crimin inal al,, and the me ment nta all llyyhandicapped are denied personal autonomy and are legally and economically dependent on others (or on the authorities). Thus, the Dependent Personality Disorder is diagnosed only when such behaviour does not conform to social or cultural norms. Co-dependents, as they are sometimes known, are possessed with fantastic worries and concerns and are paralyzed by their abandonment anxiety and fear of separation. This inner turmoil render renderss them them indeci indecisiv sive. e. Even Even the simple simplest st everyd everyday ay decisi decision on becomes an excruciating ordeal. This is why co-dependents rarely initiate projects or do things on their own. Dependents Dependents typically typically go around around eliciting eliciting constant constant and repeated repeated reas reassu sura ranc nces es and and advi advice ce from from myri myriad ad sour source ces. s. Th This is recu recurr rren entt solicitation of succour is proof that the co-dependent seeks to transfer responsibility for his or her life to others, whether they have agreed to assume it or not. This recoil and studious avoidance of challenges may give the wrong impression that the dependent is indolent or insipid. Yet, most dependents are neither. They are often fired by repressed ambition, energy, and imagination. It is their lack self-confidence that holds them back. They don't trust their own abilities and judgement. Absent an inner compass and a realistic assessment of their positive qualities on the one hand and limitations on the other hand, dependents are forced to rely on crucial input from the outsid outside. e. Realizi ealizing ng this, this, their their behavi behaviour our become becomess sel self-n f-nega egatin ting: g: they they nev never er disagr disagree ee with with meanin meaningfu gfull others others or critic criticize izess them. them. They are afraid to lose their support and emotional nurturance. Consequently, as I have written in the Open Site Encyclopedia entry on this disorder: "The "The co-d co-dep epen ende dent nt moul moulds ds hims himsel elf/ f/he herse rself lf and and bend bendss over  over  backward to cater to the needs of his nearest and dearest and  satisfy their every whim, wish, expectation, and demand. Nothing is too too unpl unplea easa sant nt or unac unacce cept ptab able le if it serve servess to secur secure e the the uninterrupted presence of the co-dependent's family and friends and the emotional sustenance s/he can extract (or extort) from them.

The co-dependent does not feel fully alive when alone. S/he  feels helpless, threatened, ill-at-ease, and child-like. This acute discomfort discomfort drives the co-dependen co-dependentt to hop from one relationship relationship to another. another. The sources of nurturance are interchangeable. To the co-d co-dep epen ende dent nt,, bein being g wi with th some someon one, e, wi with th anyo anyone ne,, no matt matter  er  whom – is always preferable to solitude." 

Inverted Narcissist

Also called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclus exc lusive ively ly on narcis narcissis sists ts (narci (narcissi ssist st-co -co-de -depen penden dent). t). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist. To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you you by him/ him/he herr. You mu must st ACTI ACTIVE VELLY se seek ek rela relati tions onshi hips ps with with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Depend Dependent ent Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorder er,, can you be safely safely labell labelled ed an "inverted narcissist". Counter-Dependents

Coun Counte terr-de depe pend nden ents ts reje reject ct and and desp despis ise e auth author orit ityy (the (theyy are are contu contumac maciou ious) s) and often often clash clash with with author authority ity figure figuress (paren (parents, ts, bosses, or the law). Their sense of self-worth and their very selfidentity are premised on and derived from (in other words, are depe depend nden entt on on)) thes these e acts acts of brav bravur ura a and and defi defian ance ce.. Coun Counte terrdependents dependents are fiercely fiercely independent independent,, controlling controlling,, self-cent self-centred, red, and aggressive. These behaviour patterns are often the result of a deep-seated fear fear of inti intima macy cy.. In an inti intima mate te rela relati tion onsh ship ip,, the the coun counte terrdepe depend nden entt feel feelss en ensl slav aved ed,, en ensn snar ared ed,, and and capt captiv ive. e. Coun Counte terrdepe depend nden ents ts are are lock locked ed into into Appr Approa oach ch-A -Avo voida idanc nce e Repet epetit itio ion n Complex cycles. Hesitant approach is followed by avoidance of commitment. They are "lone wolves" and bad team players. Most "classical" (overt) narcissists are counter-dependents. Their emotions and needs are buried under a "scar tissue" which had formed, coalesced, and hardened during years of one form of abuse or another. Grandiosity, a sense of entitlement entitlement,, a lack of empathy,, and empathy and over overwe ween enin ingg haug haught htin ines esss us usua uall llyy hide hide gn gnaw awin ingg insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth.

Coun Counte terr-de depe pende ndenc nce e is a reac reacti tion on form format atio ion. n. Th The e coun counte terrdepend dependent ent dreads dreads his own weakne weaknesse sses. s. He seeks seeks to overco overcome me them them by proj projec ecti ting ng an imag image e of omni omnipo pote tenc nce, e, omni omnisc scie ienc nce, e, success, self-sufficiency, and superiority. Introduction

Co-dependence is an important and integral part of narcissism. Narc Narcis issi sist stss are are eith either er coun counte terr-de depe pend nden entt or co-d co-dep epen ende dent nt (inverted). The DSM-IV-TR uses 9 crite iteria to define the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). (NPD) . It is sufficient to show signs of 5 of them them to be diagno diagnosed sed as a narcis narcissis sist. t. Thu Thus, s, theore theoretic ticall allyy, it is possible to have NPD without being grandiose. Many scholars scholars (Alexander (Alexander Lowen, Lowen, Jeffrey Jeffrey Satinover Satinover,, Theodore Theodore Millo illon n and and othe others rs)) su sugg gges este ted d a "tax "taxon onom omy" y" of path pathol olog ogic ical al narcissism. They divided narcissists to sub-groups (very much as I do with my somatic versus cerebral narcissist dichotomy). Lowen, for instance, talks about the "phallic" narcissist versus others. Satinover and Millon make a very important distinction betw betwee een n narc narciss issis ists ts wh who o we were re rais raised ed by "clas "classi sica call lly" y" abus abusiv ive e parents and those who were raised by doting and smothering or domineering mothers. Glen Glenn n O. Gabb Gabbar ard d in "Psyc "Psycho hody dyna nami micc Psyc Psychi hiat atry ry in Clin Clinic ical al Pract ractic ice" e" [The [The DSMDSM-IV IV-T -TR R Edit Editio ion. n. Comm Commen ents ts on Clus Cluste terr B Personalit ersonalityy Disorders Disorders – Narcissis Narcissistic. tic. American American Psychiatr Psychiatric ic Press, ress, Inc., 2000] we find this: "…These "…These criteri criteria a (the (the DSM-IV DSM-IV-TR -TR's) 's) identi identify fy a certai certain n kind kind of  narcissistic patient – specifically, the arrogant, boastful, 'noisy'  individual who demands to be in the spotlight. However, they fail to characterize the shy, quietly grandiose, narcissistic individual whos whose e extr extrem eme e sens sensit itiv ivit ity y to slig slight htss lead leadss to an assi assidu duou ouss avoidance of the spotlight." 

The DSM-III-R alluded to at least two types of narcissists, but the DSM-IV-TR DSM-IV-TR committee chose to delete this portion of the text: "…included criterion, 'reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, sham shame, e, or humi humili liat atio ion n (eve (even n not not if expr expres esse sed) d)'' due due to lack lack of  'specificity'." 

Othe Otherr theo theore reti tici cian ans, s, clin clinic icia ians ns and and rese resear arch cher erss simi simila larl rlyy sugges suggested ted a divis division ion betwee between n "the "the oblivi oblivious ous narcis narcissis sist" t" (a.k.a (a.k.a.. overt) and "the hypervigilant narcissist" (a.k.a. covert).

The Inverted Narcissist

It is clear that there is, indeed, a hitherto neglected type of narcissist. It is the "self-effacing" or "introverted" narcissist. I call it the the "inv "inver erte ted d narc narcis issi sist st"" (her (herei eina naft fter er:: IN). IN). Othe Others rs call call it "narcissis "narcissist-co t-co-depen -dependent" dent",, “co-narci “co-narcissist ssist”, ”, or "N-magnet" "N-magnet" (which (which erro errone neou ousl slyy impl implie iess the the inve invert rted ed narc narcis issi sist st's 's pass passiv ivit ityy and and victimhood). The Inverted Narcissist is a narcissist who, in many respects, is the mirror image of the "classical" narcissist. The psychodynamics of the inverted narcissist are not clear, nor are its developmental roots. Perhaps it is the product of an overweening Primary Object (par (paren ent) t) or care caregi give verr. Perha erhaps ps ex exce cess ssiv ive e abus abuse e lead leadss to the the repression of even the narcissistic and other defence mechanisms. Perhap rhapss the the IN's N's pare parent ntss suppr uppres esss eve very ry man manifes ifesttatio ation n of grandiosity and of narcissism (very common in early childhood and adol adoles esce cenc nce) e),, so that that the the narc narcis issi sist stic ic defe defenc nce e me mech chani anism sm is "inverted" and internalized in this unusual form. These narcissists are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile, and sometimes socially phobic. They derive all their self-esteem and and se sens nse e of se self lf-w -wor orth th from from the the ou outs tsid ide e (fro (from m othe others) rs),, are are pathologically envious (a transformation of aggression), aggression ), are likely to intermittently engage in aggressive/violent behaviours, and are more emotionally labile than the classic narcissist. There are, therefore, three "basic" types of narcissists: 1. The offspring of neglecting parents who default to narcissism as the predominant form of object relations (with themselves as the exclusive love object); The offs offspr prin ing g of doti doting ng or domi domine neer erin ing g pare parent ntss (oft (often en 2. The Thes ese e ch chil ildr dren en inte intern rnal aliz ize e thei theirr narcissists narcissists themselves) themselves) – Th parents' voices in the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature Supe Supere reggo and spend pend the heir ir live livess tryin ryingg to be per perfe fecct, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged "a success" by these parent-images and their later representations and substitutes (authority figures); offspri ring ng of abus abusive ive paren parents ts internaliz 3. The offsp internalize e the abusing, abusing, demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their lives in an effort to elicit "counter-voices" from other people and thus to regulate their labile self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Al Alll three three types types experi experienc ence e recurr recurrent ent and Sisyph Sisyphean ean failur failures. es. Shield Shielded ed by their their defenc defence e mechan mechanism isms, s, they they consta constant ntly ly gauge gauge reality wrongly, wrongly, their actions and reactions become more and more

rigid and the damage inflicted by them on themselves and on others is ever greater. The Th e narc narcis issi sist stic ic pare parent nt se seem emss to em empl ploy oy a myri myriad ad prim primit itiv ive e defence in his or her dealings with his or her children: 1. Splitting, idealization, and devaluation – Idealizing the child and and deva devalu luin ingg him him in cycl cycles es,, wh whic ich h refl reflec ectt the the inte intern rnal al dynamics of the parent rather than anything the child does. doe s. 2. Projective Identification – Forcing the child to behave in a way which vindicates the parent's fears regarding himself or herself, his or her self-image and his or her self-worth. This is a part partic icul ular arly ly powe powerf rful ul and and pern pernic icio ious us me mech chan anis ism. m. If the the narcissist parent fears his or her own deficiencies ("defects"), vulnerability, perceived weaknesses, susceptibility, gullibility, or emotions, he or she is likely to force the child to "feel" these rejected and (to him or her) repulsive emotions, to behave in ways strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit char ch arac acte terr trai traits ts the the pare parent nt stro strong ngly ly reje reject ctss in hims himsel elff or herself. 3. Projection – The child, in a way, becomes the "trash bin", the refl reflec ecti ting ng mirr mirror or of the the pare parent nts' s' inhi inhibi biti tion ons, s, fear fears, s, se self lf-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of self-worth, sense of inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions, failures and emotional reticence. They attribute all these unwanted traits and emotions to the child. Coupled with the parent's treatment of the child as the parent's exte ex tens nsio ion, n, the hese se psyc psycho holo logi gica call defe defenc nces es tota totall llyy inhi inhibi bitt the the psychological growth and emotional maturation of the child. The child becomes a reflection of the parent, a conduit through which the parent experiences and realizes himself or herself for better (hopes, aspirations, ambiti ition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, "undesirable" emotions, "negative" traits). Relationships Re lationships between such paren parents ts and their their progen progenyy easily easily deteriorate to sexual or other modes of abuse because there are no functioning boundaries between them. It seems that the child's reaction to a narcissistic parent can be either accommodation and assimilation, or rejection.  Accommodation  Accommodation and Assimilation

The child accommod accommodates, ates, idealizes idealizes and internaliz internalizes es (introjec (introjects) ts) the narcissistic and abusive Primary Object (parent) successfully. This means that the child's "internal voice" is also narcissistic and abusive. The child tries to comply with its directives and with its explicit and perceived wishes.

The child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, Supply, a perfec perfectt match match to the parent parent's 's person personali ality ty,, an ideal ideal source source,, an acco accomm mmod odat atin ing, g, un unde ders rsta tand ndin ingg and and cari caring ng cate catere rerr to all all the the needs, whims, mood swings and cycles of the narcissist parent. The Th e ch chil ild d lear learns ns to en endu dure re deva devalu luat atio ion n and and idea ideali liza zati tion on with with equanimity and adapt to the narcissist's cultish world view. The child, in short, becomes the ultimate extension. This is what we call an inverted narcissist. We must not neglect the abusive aspect of such a relationship. The narcissistic parent always alternates between idealization and devaluation of his or her offspring. The child is likely to internalize the hesse deva devalu luin ingg, abus abusiv ive, e, criti ritica cal, l, deme demean anin ingg, bera berati ting ng,, diminishing, minimizing, upbraiding, chastising voices. The abusive parent (or caregiver) goes on to survive inside the child-turned-adult (as part of a sadistic and ideal Superego and an fantastic Ego Ideal). These internalized voices are so powerful that they they inh inhibi ibitt even even the develo developme pment nt of react reactive ive narcis narcissis sism, m, the child's typical defence mechanism. The child-turned-adult keeps looking for narcissists in order to feel feel wh whol ole, e, aliv alive e and and want wanted ed.. He crav craves es to be trea treate ted d by a narcissist narcissistically. What others call abuse is, to him or her, fami famili liar ar terr territ itory ory and and cons consti titu tute tess Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly.. To the the invert inverted ed narcis narcissis sist, t, the classi classicc narcis narcissis sistt is a Source Source of Supply Supply (Primary or Secondary) and his narcissistic behaviours constitute Narcissistic Supply. The IN feels dissatisfied, empty and unwanted when not "loved" by a narcissist. The roles of Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply (PSNS) and Secondary Source of Narcissistic Supply (SSNS) are reversed. To To the inverted narcissist, her narcissistic spouse is a Source of PRIMARY Narcissistic Supply. But the child can also reject the narcissistic parent rather than accommodate him or her. Rejection

The ch The chil ild d may may reac reactt to the the narc narciss issis ism m of the the Prima rimary ry Obje Object ct (parent) with a peculiar type of rejection. He develops his own narc narciss issis isti ticc pers person onal alit ityy, repl replet ete e with with gran grandi dios osit ityy and and lack lack of empa em path thyy – but but his his pers person onal alit ityy is anti antith thet etic ical al to that that of the the narcissistic parent. If the parent were a somatic narcissist, the child is likely to grow up to be a cerebral one. If his father prided himself on being virtuous, the son turns out sinful. If his narcissistic mother bragged about her frugality, her daughter would tend towards profligacy.

An Attempted Attempted DSM-Style List of Criteria

It is possible to compose a DSM-IV-TR-like set of criteria for the inverted narcissist, using the classic narcissist's as a template. The two are, in many ways, flip sides of the same coin, or "the mould and the moulded" – hence the neologisms "mirror narcissist" or "inverted narcissist". The Th e narc narcis issi sist st trie triess to me merg rge e with with an idea ideali lize zed d but but badl badlyy inte intern rnal aliz ized ed obje object ct.. He does does so by "dig "diges esti ting ng"" the the me mean anin ingf gful ul others in his life and transforming them into extensions of his self. He uses various techniques to achieve this. The Th e inve invert rted ed narc narcis issi sist st (IN) (IN),, on the the othe otherr hand hand,, does does no nott attempt, except in fantasy or in dangerous, masochistic sexual prac practi tice ce,, to me merg rge e with with an idea ideali lize zed d ex exte tern rnal al obje object ct.. Th This is is because she so successfully internalized the narcissistic Primary Object to exclude everyone else. The IN feels ill at ease in her relat relation ionshi ships ps with with non non-na -narc rciss issist istss becaus because e these these dallia dalliance ncess are unc ncon onsc scio ious usly ly perc perce eive ived by he herr to con onsstitu titutte "be "betray traya al", l", "cheating", an abrogation of the exclusivity clause she has with the narcissistic Primary Object. This is the big difference between classical narcissists and their inverted sisters. Classi Classicc narcis narcissis sists ts of all strip stripes es reject reject the the Primary rimary Object Object in particular (and object relations in general) in favour of a handy substitute: themselves. Inverted narcissists accept the (narcissist) Primary Object and inte intern rnal aliz ize e it to the the ex excl clus usio ion n of all all othe others rs (unl (unles esss they they are are perce perceive ived d to be faithf faithful ul rendit rendition ions, s, replic replicas as of the narcis narcissis sistic tic Primary Object). Criterion ONE  Possesses a rigid sense of lack of self-worth.

The classic narcissist has a badly regulated sense of self-worth. However this is not conscious. He goes through cycles of selfdevaluation (and experiences them as dysphorias). The IN's sense of self-worth does not fluctuate. It is rather stable – but it is very low. Whereas the narcissist devalues others – the IN devalues herself as an offering, a sacrifice to the narcissist. The IN pre-empts the narcissist by devaluing herself, by actively berating her own achievements, or talents. The IN is exceedingly distressed when wh en sing ingled led ou outt bec becaus ause of act actual ual accom complis plishm hme ents nts or a demonstration of superior skills.

The inve inverrted ted nar narcis cissis sist is comp compe ell lled ed to filt filte er all all of he herr narc narciss issis isti ticc ne needs eds thro throug ugh h the the prim primar aryy narc narcis issi sist st in he herr life life.. Independence or personal autonomy are not permitted. The IN feels amplified by the narcissist's running commentary (because nothing can be accomplished by the IN without the approval of a primary narcissist in her life). Criterion TWO PrePre-oc occu cupi pied ed wi with th fant fantas asie iess of unli unlimi mite ted d brilliance and beauty or of an ideal love.

succ succes ess, s,

powe powerr,

This is the This the same same as the the DSMDSM-IV IV-T -TR R crit criter erio ion n for for Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorder er but, but, with with the IN, IN, it manifes manifests ts absolu absolutel telyy differently, i.e. the cognitive dissonance is sharper here because the IN is so absolutely and completely convinced of her worthl worthless essnes nesss that that these these fantas fantasies ies of grande grandeur ur are extrem extremely ely painful "dissonances". With the classical narcissist, the dissonance exists on two levels: 1. Between Between the unconscious unconscious feeling feeling of lack of stable stable self-worth self-worth and the grandiose fantasies; 2. AND AND betw betwe een the grand randio iosse fant fanta asies sies and rea realit lity (the the Grandiosity Gap). In comparison, the inverted narcissist can only vacillate between a se sens nse e of lack lack of se self lf-w -wor orth th and and real realit ityy. No gran grandi dios osit ityy is permitted, except in dangerous, forbidden fantasy. This shows that the IN is psychologically incapable of fully realizing her inherent pote potent ntia ials ls with withou outt a prim primar aryy narc narcis issi sist st to filt filter er the the prai praise se,, adulation or accomplishments through. She must have someone to whom praise can be redirected. The dissonance between the IN's certainty of self-worthlessness and genu nuiine praise that cannot be deflected is likely to emotionally derail the inverted narcissist every time. Criterion THREE  Believe Believess that that she is absolut absolutely ely un-uni un-unique que and un-spe un-specia ciall (i.e., (i.e., worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasized ideal) and and that that no one one at all all coul could d unde unders rsta tand nd her her beca becaus use e she she is innate innately ly unwort unworthy hy of being being unders understoo tood. d. The IN become becomess very  very  agitated the more one tries to understand her because that also offends against her righteous sense of being properly excluded   from the human race.

A se sens nse e of wort worthl hless essne ness ss is typi typica call of many many othe otherr pers person onal alit ityy disorders (as well as the feeling that no one could ever understand them). The narcissist himself endures prolonged periods of self-

devaluation, self-deprecation and self-doubt. This is part of the Narcissistic Cycle. Cycle. In this sense, the inverted narcissist is a partial narcissist. She is permanently fixated in a part of the Narcissistic Cycle, never to experience its complementary half: the narcissistic grandiosity and sense of entitlement. The "righteous sense of being properly excluded" comes from the sadis sadisti ticc Supe Supere rego go in conc concer ertt with with an "ove "overb rbea eari ring ng,, ex exte tern rnal ally ly reinforced, conscience". Criterion FOUR Demands anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded  at all costs) and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any  atte attent ntio ion n bein being g paid paid to her her – simi simila larr to the the  Avoidant or the Schizoid .

Criterion FIVE  Feels that she is undeserving and not entitled.

Feel Feelss that that sh she e is infe inferi rior or to othe others rs,, lack lackin ing, g, insu insubs bsta tant ntia ial, l, unworthy unworthy,, unlikable, unlikable, unappealing unappealing,, unlovable, unlovable, someone someone to scorn scorn and dismiss, or to ignore. Criterion SIX  Is exti exting ngui uish shin ingl gly y self selfle less ss,, sacri sacrific ficia ial, l, even even unctu unctuou ouss in her  her  interpersonal relationships and avoids the assistance of others at all costs. Can only interact with others when she can be seen to be giving, supportive, and expending an unusual effort to assist.

Some narcissists behave the same way but only as a means to obta obtain in Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly (pra (prais ise, e, adul adulat atio ion, n, affi affirm rmat atio ion, n, attention). This must not be confused with the behaviour of the IN. Criterion SEVEN  Lacks empathy. Is intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to her own need to perform the required selfsacrifice, which in turn is necessary in order for the IN to obtain her Narcissistic Supply from the primary narcissist.

By contrast, narcissist ists are never empathic. They are intermittently attuned to others only in order to optimise the extraction of Narcissistic Supply from them. Criterion EIGHT 

Envi Envies es othe others rs.. Canno Cannott conc concei eive ve of bein being g envi envied ed and and beco become mess extrem extremely ely agitat agitated ed and uncomf uncomfort ortabl able e if even even brough broughtt into into a situ situat atio ion n wher where e compa compari rison son migh mightt occu occurr. Loat Loathe hess and and avoi avoids ds competition at all costs, if there is any chance of actually winning it, or being singled out.

Criterion NINE  Displays extreme shyness, lack of any real relational connections, is publ publicl icly y selfself-ef effa faci cing ng in the the extr extrem eme, e, is inte intern rnal ally ly high highly  ly  moralistic and critical of others; is a perfectionist and engages in leng length thy y ritu ritual alis istic tic beha behavi viou ours rs,, whic which h can can never never be perf perfec ectl tly  y   performed (is obsessive-compulsive obsessive-compulsive,, though not necessarily to the full extent exhibited in Obsessi Obsessive-Co ve-Compulsi mpulsive ve Perso Personalit nality  y  Disorder ). ). Notions of being individualistic are anathema.

The Reactive Patterns of the Inverted Narcissist

The inverted narcissist does not suffer from a "milder" form of narcissism. Like the "classic" narcissists, inverted narcissism has degr degree eess and and sh shad ades es.. But But it is mu much ch rare rarerr and and the the DSMDSM-IV IV-T -TR R classical variety is the more prevalent. The inverted narcissist is liable to react with rage whenever threatened, or… …When envious of other people's achievements, their ability to feel wholeness, happiness, to accept rewards and successes; when her sense of self-worthlessness is diminished by a behaviour, a comment, an event, when her lack of self-worth and voided selfestee steem m is thre threa atene tened. d. Thu huss, this his type ype of narc narcis isssist ist mig might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind rema remark rk,, a miss missio ion n acco accomp mpli lishe shed, d, a rewa reward rd,, a comp complim limen ent, t, a proposition, or a sexual advance. …When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked (usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight. …When her pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of injustice and being discriminated against or deprived by a spiteful world. …When she believes that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing half-baked creature. …When she realizes to what extent her inner demons possess her, her, constr constrain ain her life, life, tormen tormentt her, her, and deform deform her and the hopelessness of it all.

When the inverted narcissist rages, she becomes verbally and emot motion ionally ally abu abusive sive.. She She un unccanni annily ly spot spotss and and attac ttackks the vulner vul nerabi abilit lities ies of her targe target, t, and mercil merciless essly ly drives drives home home the poisoned dagger of despair and self-loathing until it infects her adversary. The calm after such a storm is even eerier, eerier, a thundering silence. The Th e inve invert rted ed narc narcis issi sist st regr regret etss he herr beha behavi viou ourr and and admi admits ts he herr feelings while apologizing profusely. The inverted narcissist nurtures her negative emotions as yet another weapon of self-destruction and self-defeat. self-defeat. It is from this repres repressed sed sel self-c f-con ontem tempt pt and sadist sadistic ic sel self-j f-judg udgeme ement nt that that the narcissistic rage springs forth. One important difference between inverted narcissists and nonnarcissists is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD (Post-T (P ost-Traumatic raumatic Stress Disorder) following the break-up of their relationships with their narcissists. They seem to be "desensitized" to the narcissist's unpredictable ways by their early upbringing. Whereas the reactions of normal people to narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the splitting and Projective Iden Identi tifi fica cati tion on defe defenc nce e me mech chan anis isms ms and and to the the idea ideali liza zati tion on devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and disorientation – inverted narcissists show none of the above. The Life of the Inverted Narcissist

The IN is, usually, usually, exceedingly and painfully shy as a child. Despite this this Social Social Phobia, hobia, her grandi grandiosi osity ty (absor (absorbed bed from from the parent parent)) might direct her to seek "limelight" professions and occupations, which which involv involve e exposu exposure, re, compet competiti ition, on, "stage "stage fright fright"" and social social friction. The setting can vary from the limited (family) to the expansive (nat (natio iona nall me medi dia) a) – but, but, wh what atev ever er it is, is, the the resu result lt is cons consta tant nt conf confli lict ct and and feel feelin ings gs of disc discom omfo fort rt,, ev even en terr terror or and and ex extr trem eme e excitement and thrill ("adrenaline ("adrenaline rush"). rush"). This is because the IN's grandiosity is "imported" and not fully integrated. It is, therefore, not supportive of her "grandiose" pursuits (as is the case with the classical narcissist). On the contrary, the IN feels awkward, pitted on the edge of a precipice, contrived, and deceitful. The Th e inve invert rted ed narc narcis issi sist st grow growss up in a stif stifli ling ng en envi viro ronm nmen ent, t, whet wh ethe herr it is an orth orthod odox ox,, hy hype perr-re reli ligi giou ous, s, coll collec ecti tivi vist st,, or tradi radittiona ionali lisst cu cult ltu ure, re, a mono monova vale len nt, "bla "blacck and wh whit ite e", doct doctri rina nari rian an and and indo indoct ctri rina nati ting ng soci societ etyy – or a fami family ly wh whic ich h manifests all the above in a microcosm.

The inverted narcissist is cast in a negative (emergent) role within her family. Her "negativity" is attributed to her gender, the orde orderr of he herr birth birth,, reli religi giou ous, s, soci social al,, or cu cult ltur ural al dict dictat ates es and and commandments, her "character flaws", her relation to a specific person or event, her acts or inaction and so on. In the words of one such IN: "In the religious culture I grew up in, women are SO suppressed, their roles are so carefully restricted. They are the representation, in the flesh, of all that is sinful, degrading, of all that is wrong with the world. These are the negative gender/cultural images that were force  fed to us the negative 'otherness' of women, as defined by men, was fed to me. I was so shy, withdrawn, unable to really relate to  people at all from as early as I can remember." 

The IN is su The subj bjec ecte ted d and and ex expos posed ed eith either er to an over overbe bear arin ing, g, ove verv rva alued lued pare parent nt,, or to an aloo aloof, f, det detache ached, d, em emo otion tiona all llyy unavailable one – or to both – at an early stage of her life: "I grew up in the shadow of my father who adored me, put me on a pedestal, told me I could do or be anything I wanted because I was incredibly bright, BUT, he ate me alive, I was his property  and an extension of him. I also also grew grew up wi with th the the moun mounti ting ng hatr hatred ed of my narc narcis issi sist st brother who got none of this attention from our father and got no attention from our mother either. My function was to make my   father  father look wonderful wonderful in the eyes of all outsiders, outsiders, the wonderful wonderful  parent with a genius Wunderkind as his last child, and the only  child of the six that he was physically present to raise from the  get go. The overval overvaluat uation ion combine combined d with with being being abject abjectly ly ignored ignored or  raged at by him when I stepped out of line even the tiniest bit, was enough to warp my personality."  personality." 

The IN is prev The preven ente ted d from from deve develo lopi ping ng full full-b -blo lown wn se seco cond ndar aryy narcissism. The IN is so heavily preoccupied in her pre-school years with satisfying the narcissistic parent, that the traits of grandiosity and and se self lf-lo -love ve,, ev even en the the ne need ed for for Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly,, rema remain in dormant or repressed. The Th e IN simp simply ly "kn "know ows" s" that that on only ly the the narc narcis issi sist stic ic pare parent nt can can provi rovide de the the requ requis isit ite e amoun mountt of Narc Narcis issi sisstic tic Supp Supply ly.. Th The e narcissistic parent is so controlling that any attempt to garner praise or adulation from any other source (without the approval of the parent) is severely punished by swift devaluation and even the occasional spanking or abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual).

This is a vital part of the conditioning that gives rise to inverted narcissism. Where the classical narcissist exhibits grandiosity, the IN is intensely uncomfortable with personal praise, and always wishes to divert praise away from herself onto her narcissist. This is wh whyy the IN can can on only ly truly ruly fee eell anyt anythi hing ng wh whe en she is in a relat relation ionshi ship p with with anothe anotherr narcis narcissis sist. t. The IN is condit condition ioned ed and programmed from the very beginning to be the perfect companion to the narcissist: to feed his Ego, to be purely his extension, to seek se ek on only ly prai praise se and and adul adulat atio ion n if it brin brings gs grea greate terr prai praise se and and adulation to her narcissist. The Inverted Narcissist's Survival Guide

• Listen Listen attentively attentively to everything everything the narcissist narcissist says says and agree agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual. • Offer something something absolutely absolutely unique unique to the narcissist narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary NS for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case. • Be endle ndlesssly sly pat patient ient and and go way way ou outt of your your way way to be accommodating, thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally, liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking). • Get tremendous tremendous personal personal satisfaction satisfaction out of endlessly endlessly giving. giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition. • Be absolutely absolutely emotionally emotionally and financially financially independent independent of the narcissist ist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment (i.e., NS) and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be devoid of emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion." • If your narcissis narcissistt is cerebral cerebral and not interested interested in having much much sex, give yourself ample permission to have sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist is not indifferent to infidelity, so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.

• If your narci narciss ssis istt is soma somati ticc and and you you don' don'tt mind mind,, join join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic. • If you are a "fixer", "fixer", which most inverted inverted narcissists narcissists are, focus focus on fixing ing situation ions, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can actually fix the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can't be fixed. • If there there is any any fixi fixing ng that that can can be done, done, it is to he help lp your your narcissist become aware of their condition, and (this is very important) with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them. • Finally Finally,, and most important important of all for the inverted narcissist narcissist:: get to know yourself. What are you getting from the rela relati tion onsh ship ip?? Are Are you you actu actual ally ly a maso masoch chis ist? t? Why is this this relationship attractive and interesting? Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who he is. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours that affect you, which emanate from the unch un chan ange geab able le es esse senc nce e of the the narc narcis issi sist st.. Th This is can can on only ly be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship. The inverted narcissist can have a reasonably good, long lasting relationship with the narcissist. You must be prepared to give your narcissist a lot of space and leeway. You don't really exist for him as a fully realized person – no one does. They are not fully realized people so they cannot possibly have the skills, no matter how smart or sexy, to be a complete person in the sense that most adults are complete.

Somatic versus Cerebral Inverted Narcissists

The inverted narcissist is really an erstwhile narcissist internalized by the IN. Inevitably, we are likely to find among the inverted the same propensities, predilections, preferences and inclinations that we do among proper narcissists. The Th e ce cere rebr bral al IN is an IN wh whos ose e Sour Source ce of vica vicari riou ouss Prima rimary ry Narcissistic Supply lies – through the medium and mediation of a narcissist – in the exercise of his intellectual faculties. A somatic IN would tend to make use of her body, sex, shape or health in trying to secure NS for "her" narcissist. The inverted narcissist feeds on the primary narcissist and this is her Narcissistic Supply. So these two typologies can essentially become a self-supporting, symbiotic system. system. In reality though, both the narcissist and the inverted narcissist need to be quite well aware of the dynamics of this relationship in order to make it work as a successful long-term arrangement. It might well be that this symbiosis would only work between a cerebral narcissist and a cerebral invert. The somatic narcissist's incessant sexual dalliances would be far too threatening to the equanimity of the cerebral invert for there to be much chance of this succeeding, even for a short time. It would seem that only opposing types of narcissist can get along when two classic narcissists are involved in a couple couple.. It follows, syllogistically, that only identical types of narcissist and inverted narcissist can survive in a couple. In other words: the best best,, most most en endu duri ring ng coup couple less of narc narcis issi sist st and and his his inve invert rted ed narcissist mate would involve a somatic narcissist and a somatic IN – or a cerebral narcissist and a cerebral IN. Coping with Narcissists and Non-Narcissists Non-Narcissists

The inverted inverted narcissist narcissist is a person person who grew up enthralled enthralled by the narcissistic parent. This parent engulfed and subsumed the child's being to such an extent that the child's personality was irrevocably shaped by this immersion, damaged beyond hope of repair. The child was not even able to develop defence mechanisms such as narcissism to cope with the abusive parent. The end result is an inverted narcissistic personality. The traits of this personality are primarily evident in the context of romantic relationships. The child was conditioned by the narcissistic parent to only be entitled to feel whole, useful, happy, and productive when the child augmented or mirrored to the parent the parent's False Self. As a result the child is shaped by this engulfment and

cannot feel complete in any significant adult relationship unless they are with narcissists. The Inverted Narcissist in Relationship with the Narcissist

The inverted narcissist is drawn to significant relationships with other narcissists in her adulthood. These relationships are usually spousa spousall primar primaryy relati relations onships hips but can also also be friends friendship hipss with with narcissists outside of the primary love relationship. In a primary relationship, the inverted narcissist attempts to recreate the parent-child relationship. The IN thrives on mirroring to the narcissist his grandiose fantasies and in so doing the IN obtains herr own he own Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly (whi (which ch is the the depe depend nden ence ce of the the narcissist upon the IN for his Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The IN must have this form of relationship with a narcissist in order to feel whole. The IN goes as far as needed to ensure that the narcissist is happy, cared for, properly adored, as she feels is the narcissist's right. The IN glorifies and lionizes her narcissist, pla place cess him him on a pede pedest stal al,, en endu dure ress any any and and all all narc narcis issi sist stic ic devaluation with calm equanimity, impervious to the overt slights of the narcissist. Narcissistic rage is handled deftly by the inverted narcissist. The IN is exceedingly adept at managing every aspect of her life, tightly controlling all situations, so as to minimize the potential for the inevitable narcissistic rages of her narcissist. The IN wishes to be subsumed by the narcissist. The IN only feels truly loved and alive in this kind of relationship. The IN is loath to abandon her relationships with narcissists. The relationship only ends when the narcissist withdraws completely from the symbiosis. Once the narcissist has determined that the IN is of no further use, and withholds all Narcissistic Supply from the IN, only then does the IN reluctantly move on to another relationship. The IN is most likely to equate sexual intimacy with engulfment. This can be easily misread to mean that the IN is herself a somatic narcissist, but it would be incorrect. The IN can endure years of minimal sexual contact with her narcissist and still be able to maint maintain ain the sel self-d f-delu elusio sion n of intima intimacy cy and eng engulf ulfmen ment. t. The IN find findss a myri myriad ad of othe otherr ways ways to "mer "merge ge"" with with the the narc narciss issis ist, t, becoming intimately, though only in support roles, involved with the narcissist's business, career, or any other activity where the IN can feel that they are needed by the narcissist and are indispensable.

The IN is an expert at doling out Narcissistic Supply and even goes go es as far far as proc procur urin ingg Prima rimary ry Narc Narciss issis isti ticc Supp Supply ly for for thei theirr narcissist (even where this means finding another lover for the narcissist, or participating in group sex with the narcissist). Usually though, the IN seems most attracted to the cerebral narc narcis issi sist st and and find findss him him easi easier er to mana manage ge than than the the soma somati ticc narcissist. The cerebral narcissist is uninterested in sex and this makes life considerably easier for the IN, i.e., the IN is less likely to "lose" "lose" her cerebr cerebral al narcis narcissis sistt to anothe anotherr primar primaryy partne partnerr. A somatic narcissist may be prone to changing partners with greater frequency or wish to have no partner, preferring to have multiple, casual casual sexual relationsh relationships ips of no apparent apparent depth which never last very long. The IN regards relationships with narcissists as the only true and legi legiti tima mate te form form of prim primary ary rela relati tion onsh ship ip.. Th The e IN is capa capabl ble e of having primary relationships with non-narcissists. But without the engulfment and the drama, the IN feels unneeded, unwanted and emotionally uninvolved. When Can a Classic Narcissist Become an Inverted Narcissist?

A classic narcissist can become an inverted narcissist in one (or more) of the following (typically cumulative) circumstances: 1. Imme Immedi diat atel elyy foll follow owin ingg a life life cris crisis is and and a narcissistic injury (divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a child, imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any other narcissistic injury); or 2. When When the the inju injure red d narc narcis issi sist st then then me meet etss anot anothe herr clas classi sicc narcissist who restores a sense of meaning and superiority (uni (uniqu quen enes ess) s) to his his life life.. Th The e inju injure red d narc narcis issi sist st deri derive vess Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly vica vicari riou ousl slyy, by prox proxyy, thro throug ugh h the the "dominant" narcissist. 3. As part of an effort to secure secure a particular particularly ly desired desired Source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from classic to inverted narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding) between the narcissist and his source. When the narcissist judges that the source is his and can be taken for granted, he reverts to his former, classically narcissistic self. Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It does not last and the narcissist reverts to his "default" or dominant state.

When Can an Inverted Narcissist Become a Classic Narcissist? Narcissist?

The inverted narcissist can become a classic narcissist in one (or more) of the following (typically cumulative) circumstances: 1. Immediately following a life crisi isis that involves the inca incapa paci cita tati tion on or dysf dysfun unct ctio ion n of the the inve invert rted ed narc narcis issi sist st's 's partner (sickness, accident, demotion, divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a child, imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any other narcissistic injury); or 2. When the inverted inverted narcissist, narcissist, injured injured and disillusion disillusioned, ed, then meets mee ts anothe anotherr invert inverted ed narcis narcissis sistt who restor restores es a sen sense se of meaning and superiority (uniqueness) to her life. The injured narc narcis issi sist st deri derive vess Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Supp Supply ly from from the the inve invert rted ed narcissist. 3. As part of an effort to secure secure a particular particularly ly desired desired Source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from inverted to classic narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding) between the narcissist and her source. When the narcissist judges that the source is hers and can be taken for granted, she reverts to her former, inverted narcissistic self. Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It does not last and the narcissist reverts to her "default" or dominant state. Relationships Relationships between the Inverted Narcissist and Non-Narcissists Non-Narcissists

The inverted narcissist can maintain relationships outside of the symbiotic primary relationship with a narcissist. But the IN does not "feel" loved because she finds the non-narcissist not "engulfing" or not "exciting". Thus, the IN tends to devalue her non-narcissistic primary partner as less worthy of the IN's love and attention. The IN may be able to sustain a relationship with a non-narcissist by finding other narcissistic symbiotic relationships outside of this primary relationship. The IN may, for instance, have a narcissistic friend or lover, lover, to whom she pays extraordinary attention, ignoring the real needs of the non-narcissistic partner. Consequently, Consequently, the only semi-stable primary relationship between the IN and the non-narcissist occurs where the non-narcissist is very easy going, emotionally secure and not needing much from the IN at all by way of time, energy or commitment to activities requiring the involvement of both parties. In a relationship with this kind of non-narcissist, the IN may become a workaholic or very

invo involv lved ed in ou outs tside ide acti activi viti ties es that that ex excl clud ude e the the no nonn-na narc rcis issi sist st spouse. It appears that the inverted narcissist in a relationship with a nonno n-na narc rcis issi sist st is beha behavi viou oura rall llyy indis indisti ting ngui uish shab able le from from a true true narcissist. The only important exception is that the IN does not rage at his non-narcissist partner – she instead withdraws from the relat relation ionshi ship p even even furthe furtherr. This This passiv passive-a e-aggr ggress essive ive reacti reaction on has been noted, though, with narcissists as well. INVERTED AND OTHER ATYPICAL / PARTIAL (NOS) NARCISSISTS

Inverted Narcissists Talk about Themselves

Competition and (Pathological) Envy  "I have a dynamic that comes up with every single person I get close to, where I feel extremely extremely competitive competitive toward and envious envious of the other person. But I don't ACT competitive, because at the very outset, I see myself as the loser in the competition. I would  never dream of trying to beat the other person, because I know  deep in my heart that they would win and I would be utterly  humiliated. There are fewer things on earth that feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other person gloat over  me, especially if they know how much I cared about not losing. This is one thing that I actually feel violent about. I guess I tend  to project the grandiosity part of the NPD package onto the other   person rather than on a False Ego of my own. So most of the time I'm stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward her. To me, she's always far more intelligent, likable, popular, talented, self self-c -con onfi fide dent nt,, emot emotio iona nall lly y deve develo lope ped, d, mora morall lly y good good,, and  and  attractive than I am. And I really hate her for that, and feel humiliated by it. So it's incredibly hard for me to feel happy for  this person when she has a success, because I'm overcome with humiliation abou bout mysel self. This has ruined many a close relationship. I tend to get this way about one person at a time, usually the person who is playing the role of 'my better half', best  friends or lovers/partners. So it's not like I'm unable to be happy   for anyone, ever, or that I envy every person I meet. I don't get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are or anything like that. It only gets projected onto this partner-person, the  person I'm depending on the most in terms of supplies (attention, reassurance, security, security, building up my self-esteem, etc.)… …The …The real really ly dest destru ruct ctiv ive e thin thing g that that happ happen enss is, is, I see see her  her    grandiose traits as giving her the power to have anything and  anyone she wants. So I feel a basic insecurity, because why should 

she stay with a loser like me, when she's obviously so out of my  league? So really, what I'm envious of is the power that all that talent, social ability, beauty, etc., gives her to have CHOICES – the choice to stay or leave me. Whereas I am utterly dependent on her. her. It's this emotional inequality that I find so humiliating."  "I agree with the inverted narcissist designation – sometimes I've called myself a 'closet narcissist'. That is, I've internalized the value system of grandiosity, but have not applied the grandiose identity to myself. I believe I SHOULD BE those grandiose things, but at the same time, I know I'm not and I'm miserable about it. So people don't think of me as having an inflated Ego – and indeed I don't – but scratch the surface, and you'll find all these inflated  expectations. I mean to say that perhaps the parents suppressed  ever every y mani manife fest stat atio ion n of gran grandi dios osit ity y (ver (very y comm common on in earl early  y  childhood) and of narcissism – so that the defence mechanism that narcissism is was 'inverted' and internalized in this unusual  form."  "Maybe there aren't two discrete states (NPD vs. 'regular' low  self-esteem) – maybe it's more of a continuum. And maybe it's just the degree and depth of the problem that distinguishes one from the other. My therapist describes NPD as 'the inability to love oneself'. As she defines it, the 'narcissistic wound' is a deep wounding of the sense of self, the image of oneself. That doesn't mean that other  disorders – or for that matter, other life stressors – can't also cause low self-esteem. But I think NPD IS low self-esteem… That's what the disorder is really about – an image of yourself  that is profoundly negative, and the inability to attain a normal and healthy self-image…"  "Yes, I'm a survivor of child abuse. But remember that not all abuse is alike. There are different kinds of abuse, and different effect ects. My XXX's sty style of abuse had to do with tryin ying to annihilate me as a separate person. It also had to do with the need to put all his negative self-image onto me – to see in me what he hated in himself. So I got to play the role of the loser  that he secretly feared he was. I was flipped back and forth in those roles – sometimes I'd be a Source of NS for him, and other  times I was the receptacle of all his pain and rage. Sometimes my  successes were used to reflect back on him, to show off to the rest of the family. Other times, my successes were threatening to my father, who suddenly feared that I was superior to him and  had to be squelched.

I experience emotions that most people I know don't feel. Or  maybe they do feel them, but to far less extreme intensity. For  exampl example, e, the envy and compar compariso ison/c n/comp ompeti etitio tion n I feel toward  toward  others others.. I guess guess most most of us have have experi experienc enced ed rivalr rivalry y, jealou jealousy sy,, being compared to others. Most of us have felt envy at another's success. Yet most people I know seem able to overcome those   feelings to some extent, to be able to function normally. In a competition, for example, they may be driven to do their best so they can win. For me, the fear of losing and being humiliated is so intense that I avoid competition completely. I am terrified of  show showin ing g peopl people e that that I care care about about doing doing well well,, beca becaus use e it's it's so shaming for me if I lose. So I underachieve and pretend I don't care. Most people I know may envy another person's good luck or  success, but it doesn't prevent them from also being happy for  them and supporting them. But for me, when I'm in a competitive dynamic with someone, I can't hear about any of their successes, or compliments compliments they've received, etc. I don't even like to see the  person doing good things, like bringing Thanksgiving leftovers to the sick old guy next door, because those things make me feel inferior for not thinking of doing that myself (and not having anyone in my life that I'd do that for). It's just so incredibly    pai painf nful ul for for me to see see evid eviden ence ce of the the othe otherr pers person on's 's good  good  qual qualit itie ies, s, beca becaus use e it imme immedi diat atel ely y brin brings gs up my feel feelin ing g of  inferiority. I can't even stand to date someone, who looks really   good, because I'm jealous of their good looks! So this deep and  obsessive envy has destroyed my joy in other people. All the things about other people that I love and take pleasure in is a double-edged sword because I also hate them for it, for having those good qualities (while, presumably, presumably, I don't). don' t). I don't know – do you think this is garden-variety low selfestee steem? m? I know now plen plenty ty of peop people le who who suff suffer er from from lack ack of  confidence, from timidity, social awkwardness, hatred of their  body, feeling unlovable, etc. But they don't have this kind of  hostile, hostile, corrosive resentment resentment of another another person for being all the wonderful wonderful things that they can't be, or aren't allowed allowed to be, etc.  And one thing I hate is when people are judgemental of me about how I feel, as though I can help it. It's like, 'You shouldn't be so selfish, you should feel happy for her that she's successful', etc. They don't understand that I would love to feel those things, but I can't. I can't stop the incredible pain that explodes in me when these these feel feelin ings gs get get trigg trigger ered ed,, and and I ofte often n can' can'tt even even HIDE HIDE the the  feelings. It's just so overwhelming. I feel so damaged sometimes. There's more, but that's the crux of it for me, anyway."  anyway." 

Getting Compliments "I love love gett gettin ing g comp compli lime ment ntss and and rewa reward rds, s, and and do not not reac reactt negatively to them. In some moods, when my self-hate has gotten triggered, I can sometimes get to places where I'm inconsolable, because I get stuck in bitterness and self-pity, and so I doubt the sinc sincer erit ity y or the the reli reliab abil ilit ity y of the the good good thin thing g that that some someon one e is saying to me (to try to cheer me up or whatever). But, if I'm in a reasonable mood and someone offers me something good, I'm all too happy to accept it! I don't have a stake in staying miserable." 

The Partiality of the Condition "I do agree that it's (atypical or inverted narcissism) not MILDER. But how I see it is that it's PARTIAL. The part that's there is just as destructive as it is in the typical narcissist. But there are parts missing from that total, full-blown disorder – and I see that as healthy, healthy, actually. actually. I see it as parts of myself that WEREN'T infected  by the pathology, pathology, that are still intact. In my case, I did not develop the overweening Ego part of the disorder. So in a sense, what you have with me is the naked    pat patho hollogy ogy, wi with th no cove coveri ring ng:: no suav suaven enes ess, s, no char charm m, no charisma, no confidence, no persuasiveness, but also no excuses, no lies, no justifications justifications for my feelings. Just the ugly self-hate, self-hate,  for all to see. And the self-hate part is just as bad as it is with a  full-blown narcissist, so again, it's not milder. milder. But because I don't have the denial part of the disorder, disorder, I have a lot more insight, a lot more motivation to do something about my   problems (i.e., I 'self-refer' to therapy), and therefore, I think, a lot lot more more hope hope of gett gettin ing g bett better er than than peop people le whose whose defe defenc nce e involves totally denying they even have a problem."  "Whe "When n my ful full-bl l-blow own n XXX' XXX'ss path pathol olog ogic ica al envy envy woul would d get get triggered, he would respond by putting down the person he was envious of – or by putting down the accomplishment itself, or  whatever good stuff the other person had. He'd trivialize it, or  outright contradict it, or find some way to convince the other   person (often me) that the thing they're feeling good about isn't real, or isn't worthwhile, or is somehow s omehow bad, etc. He could do this because the inflated ego defence was fully formed and operating with him. When MY pathological envy gets triggered, I will be bluntly  hone honest st abou aboutt it. it. I'll I'll say say somet somethi hing ng self self-p -pit ityin ying, g, such such as: as: 'You 'You always get the good stuff, and I get nothing'; 'You're so much better than I'; 'People like you better – you have good social skills and I'm a jerk erk'; and and so on. on. Or I might ight even even get get host hostil ile e and  and 

sarc sarcas asttic: ic: 'Wel 'Well, l, it must must be nice ice to have have so many many peop peoplle worshipping you, isn't it?' I don't try to convince myself that the other person's success isn't real or worthwhile, etc. Instead, I'm tota totall lly y floo floode ded d wi with th the the pain pain of feel feelin ing g utte utterl rly y infe inferi rior or and  and  worthless – and there's no way for me to convince myself or  anyone else otherwise. I'm not saying that the things I say are  pleasant to hear – and it is still manipulative of me to say them, because the other person's attention is drawn away from their joy  and onto my pain and hostility. And instead of doubting their  success's worth or reality, they feel guilty about it, or about talking about it, because it hurts me so much. So from the other   person's point of view, maybe it's not any easier to live with a  partial narcissist than with a full-blown, in that their joys and  successes lead to pain in both cases. It's certainly not easier for  me, being flooded with rage and pain instead of being able to hide behind a delusion of grandeur. But from my therapist's point of view, I'm much better off because I know I'm unhappy – it's in my face all the time. So I'm motivated to work on it and change it. And time has borne her words out. Over the past several years that I've worked on this issue, I have changed a great deal in how I deal with it. Now when the envy   gets triggered, I don't feel so entwined with the other person – I recognize recognize that it's my OWN pain getting triggered, triggered, not something something they are doing to me. And so I can acknowledge the pain in a more more respo responsi nsibl ble e way way, taki taking ng owne owners rshi hip p of it by sayin saying, g, 'The 'The   jealo jealousy usy feelin feelings gs are gettin getting g trigger triggered ed again, again, and I'm feelin feeling g worthless and inferior. Can you reassure me that I'm not?' That's a lot lot bett better er than than maki making ng some some snid snide, e, host hostil ile, e, or self self-p -pit ityi ying ng comment that puts the other person on the defensive or makes them feel guilty… I do prefer the term 'partial' because that's what it feels like to me. It's like a building that's partially built – the house of narcissism. For me, the structure is there, but not the outside, so you can see inside the skeleton to all the junk that' hat'ss insid nside. e. It's t's the the same same junk junk that that's 's insi inside de a ful full-bl l-blow own n narcissist, but their building is completed, so you can't see inside. Their building is a fortress, and it's almost impossible to bring it down. My defences aren't as strong … which makes my life more difficult in some ways because I REALLY feel my pain. But it also means that the house can be brought down more easily, and the  junk inside cleaned out…" 

Thinking about the Past and the World 

"I don' don'tt usu usually ally get get ragef ageful ul about bout the the past past.. I feel feel sort sort of  emotionally cut-off from the past, actually. I remember events very clearly, but usually can't remember the feelings. When I do remember the feelings, my reaction is usually one of sadness, and  sometimes of relief that I can get back in touch with my past. But not rage. All my rage seems to get displaced on the current  people in my life."  "…When I see someone being really socially awkward and geeky,  passive-agg  passive-aggressiv ressive, e, indirect indirect and victim-like, victim-like, it does trigger anger  in me because I identify with that person and I don't want to. I try  to put my negative negative feelings onto them, to see that person as the  jerk, not me – that's what a narcissist does, after all. But for me it doesn't completely work because I know, consciously, what I'm trying to do. And ultimately, I'm not kidding anyone, least of all myself." 

Self-Pity and Depression "More self-pity and depression here – not so much rage. One of  the things that triggers my rage more than anything else is the inabil inability ity to contro controll anothe anotherr person person,, the inabil inability ity to domina dominate te them and force my reality on them. I feel impotent, impotent, humiliated, humiliated,  forced back on my empty self. Part of what I'm feeling here is envy: that person who can't be controlled clearly has a self and I don't, and I just hate them for it. But it's also a power struggle – I want to get Narcissistic Supply by being in control and on top and  having the other person submissive and compliant…" 

Regretting, Admitting Mistakes "I regret my behaviour horribly, and I DO admit my feelings. I am also able, in the aftermath, to have empathy for the feelings of  the person I've hurt, and I'm horribly sad about it, and ashamed of  myself. It's as though I'd been possessed by a demon, acted out all this abusive horrible stuff, and then, after the departure of the demo demon, n, I'm I'm back back in my righ rightt mind mind and and it's it's like like,, 'Wha 'Whatt have have I DONE???' I don't mean I'm not responsible for what I did (i.e., a demon made me do it). But when I'm triggered, I have no empathy  – I can only see my projection onto that person, as a huge threat to me, someone who must be demolished. But when my head  clears, I see that person's pain, hurt, fear – and I feel terrible. I want to make it up to them. And that feeling is totally sincere – it's not an act. I'm genuinely sorry for the pain I've caused the other person." 

Rage

"I wouldn't say that my rage comes from repressed self-contempt (mine is not repressed – I'm totally aware of it). And it's not missing atonement either, since I do atone. The rage comes from   fee feeli ling ng humi humili liat ated ed,, from from feel feelin ing g that that the the othe otherr pers person on has has somehow sadistically and gleefully made me feel inferior, that they're getting off on being superior, that they're mocking me and  ridiculing me, that they have scorn and contempt for me and find  it all very amusing. That – whether real or imagined (usually  imagined) – is what causes my rage." 

Pursuing Relationships with Narcissists "There are some very few of us who actually seek out relationships with narcissists. We do this with the full knowledge that we are not wanted, despised even. We persist and pursue no matter the consequences, no matter the cost. I am an 'inv 'inver erte ted d narc narcis issi sist st'. '. It is beca becaus use e as a chil child d I was was 'impri printed/fixat xated' with a particu icular pattern involving rela relati tion onsh ship ips. s. I was was engu engulf lfed ed so comp comple lete tely ly by my fath father er's 's  personality and repressed so severely by various other factors in my chil childh dhoo ood d tha that I simp simply ly didn' idn'tt deve develo lop p a reco recogn gnis isab able le  personality. I existed purely as an extension of my father. I was his genius Wunderkind. He ignored my mother and poured all his energy and effort into me. I did not develop full-blown secondary  narc narcis issi sism sm… … I deve develo lope ped d into into the the perf perfec ectt 'oth 'other er half half'' of the the narci arciss ssis ists ts moul mouldi din ng me. I beca became me the perfe erfect ct,, eage eagerr cocodependent. dependent. And And this is an imprint, imprint, a pattern pattern in my psyche, a way  of (not) relating to the world of relationships by only being able to truly relate to one person (my father) and then one kind of   person – the narcissist. He is my perfect lover, my perfect mate, a fit that is so slick and smooth, so comfortable and effortless, so filled with meaning and actual feelings – that's the other thing. I cannot feel on my  own. I am incomplete. I can only feel when I am engulfed by  another (first it was my father) and now – well now it has to be a narcissist. Not just any narcissist either. He must be exceedingly  smart, smart, good looking, have adequate adequate reproductive reproductive equipment equipment and  some knowledge on how to use it and that's about it. When I am engulfed by someone like this I feel completed, I can actually FEEL. I am whole again. I function as a sibyl, an oracle, an exte extens nsio ion n of the the narc narcis issi sist st.. His His fier fierce cest st prot protec ecto torr, his his  purveyor/procurer of NS, the secretary, organizer, manager, etc. I think you get the picture and this gives me INTENSE PLEASURE.

So the answer to your question: 'Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want them back?' The short answer is, 'Because there is no one else remotely worth looking at.'" 

 Making Amends "I mostly apologize, and I give the person space to talk about what hurt them so that (1) they get to express their anger or hurt to me, and (2) I can understand better and know better how not to hurt them (if I can avoid it) the next time there's a conflict. Sometimes the hurt I cause is unintentional – maybe I've been insensitive or forgetful or something, in which case I feel more certain that I can avoid repeating the hurtful behaviour, since I didn't want to hurt them in the first place. If the hurt I caused  has to do with my getting my trigger pulled and going into a rage, then that hurt was quite deliberate, although at the time I was unable to experience the other person as vulnerable or capable of  being hurt by me. And I do realize that if that trigger is pulled  again, it might happen again. But I also hope that there'll be a LITTLE TINY window where the memory of the conversation will come back to me while I'm in my rage, and I'll remember that the  person really IS vulnerable. I hope that by hearing over and over  that the person actually does feel hurt by what I say while in rage rages, s, that that I migh mightt reme rememb mber er that that when when I am trig trigger gered ed and  and  raging. So, mostly I apologize and try to communicate with the othe otherr pers person on.. I don' don'tt verba verball lly y self self-f -fla lage gell llat ate, e, beca becaus use e that that's 's manipulative. Not to say I never do that – in fact I've had a dynamic with people where I verbally put myself down and try to engage the other person into arguing me out of it. But if I'm in the middle of apologizing to the other person for  hurting them, then I feel like this is their moment, and I don't want to turn the focus toward getting them to try to make me  feel better. I will talk about myself, but only in an attempt to commun communica icate, te, so that that we can unders understan tand d each each other other better better. I might say, 'I got triggered about such-and-such, and you seemed  so invulnerable that it enraged me', etc. – and the other person might react with, 'But I was feeling vulnerable, I just couldn't show it', etc. – and we'll go back and forth like that. So it's not like I don't think my feelings count, and I do want the other   person to UNDERSTAND my feelings, but I don't want to put the other person in the role of taking care of my feelings in that moment, because they have just been hurt by me and I'm trying to make it up to them, not squeeze more stuff OUT of them…" 

"So when I've been a real jerk to someone, I want them to feel like it's OK to be pissed off at me, and I want them to know that I am interested in and focused on how they feel, not just on how I  feel. As for gifts – I used to do that, but eventually I came to feel that that was manipulative, too, that it muddled things because then the other person would feel like they couldn't be angry  anymore, since after all, I've just brought them this nice gift. I also feel that in general, gift-giving is a sweet and tender thing to do, and I don't want to sully that tenderness by associating it with the hurt that comes from abusive behaviour."  behaviour." 

Why Narcissists? "I am BUILT this way. I may have overstated it by saying that I have 'no choice' because, in fact I do. The choice is – live in an emotionally deadened monochrome world where I can reasonably interact with normal people OR I can choose to be with a narcissist in which case my world is Technicolor, emotionally satisfying, alive and wondrous (also can be turbulent and a real roller coaster ride for the unprepared, not not to ment mentio ion n incr incred edib ibly ly dama damagi ging ng for peop people le who who are are not not inve inverrted ted narc narcis issi sist stss and and who who fal fall into into rela relati tion onsh ship ipss wi with th narcissists). As I have walked on both sides of the street, and  becaus because e I have have develo developed ped coping coping mechan mechanism ismss that that protec protectt me really quite well, I can reasonably safely engage in a primary, intimate relationship with a narcissist without getting hurt by it. The real WHY of it all is that I learned, as a young child, that being 'eaten alive' by a narcissist parent, to the point where your  existence is but an extension of his own, was how all relationships ought to work. It is a psychological imprint – my 'love map', it is what feels right to me intrinsically. A pattern of living – I don't know how else to describe it so you and others will understand  how very natural and normal this is for me. It is not the torturous existence that most of the survivors of narcissism are recounting on this list. My experiences with narcissists, to me, ARE NORMAL for me. Comfortable like an old pair of slippers that fit perfectly. I don't expect many people to attempt to do this, to 'make themselves into' this kind of person. I don't think anyone could, if they tried. It is my need to be engulfed and merged that drives me to these relationships and when I get those needs met I feel more normal, better about myself. I am the outer extension of the narc narcis issis sist. t. In many many ways ways I am a vang vangua uard rd,, a publ public ic tw two-w o-way  ay  warning warning system, fiercely fiercely defending defending my narcissist narcissist from harm, and 

  fier fierce cely ly loya loyall to him, him, cate cateri ring ng to his his ever every y need need in orde orderr to   pro prote tect ct his frag fragil ile e exist existenc ence. e. Thes These e are are the the dynam dynamics ics of my   particular version of engulfment. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I need only to be needed in this very particular way, by a narcissist who inevitably possesses the ability to engulf in a way  that hat norm normal al,, full fully y real realiz ized ed adul adultts cann cannot ot.. It is some somewh what at  paradoxical – I feel freer and more independent with a narcissist than without one. I achieve more in my life when I am in this  form of relationship. I try harder, work harder, am more creative, think better of myself, excel in most every aspect of my life."  "…I go ahead and cater to him and pretend that his words don't hurt, and later, later, I engage in an internal fight with myself for being so damned submissive. It's a constant battle and I can't seem to decide which voice in my head I should listen to… I feel like a  fool, yet, I would rather be a fool with him than a lonely, wellrounded woman without him. I've often said that the only way  that we can stay together is because we feed off of each other. I  give him everything he needs and he takes it. Seeing him happy  and pleased is what gives me pleasure. I feel very successful then." 

Partial NPD "I do think it's uncommon for girls to develop these patterns, as they they are are usua usuall lly y trai traine ned d to be selfself-ef effa faci cing ng.. I cert certai ainl nly y was! was! However, I have a lot of the very same underlying patterns that   ful fulll-bl blow own, n, obno obnoxi xiou ousl sly y egot egotis isti tica call NP's NP's have have,, but but I am not not egotistical because I didn't develop the pattern of inflated Ego and grandiosity. All the rest of it is there, though: fragile Ego, lack ack of a cent centre re or self self,, supe superr-sen -sensi sittive ive to crit critic icis ism m and  reje reject ctio ions ns,, path pathol olog ogic ical al,, obse obsess ssiv ive e envy envy,, comp compar aris ison onss and  and  competitive attitudes toward others, a belief that everyone in the world is either superior or inferior to me, and so on. Sometimes I kind of wish I had developed the inflated Ego of a complete complete NP, NP, because because then I would at least be able to hide from all the pain I feel. But at the same time, I'm glad I didn't, because those people have a much lower chance of recovery – how can they recover if  they don't acknowledge anything is wrong? Whereas it's pretty  clear to me I have problems, and I've spent my life working on them and trying to change myself and heal." 

Narcissist-Non Narcissist-Non Narcissist  And Narcissist-Inverted Narcissist Couples

"Can a N and a non-N ever maintain a long lasting marriage? It would seem that a non-N would have too much self-esteem to lend himself to a lifetime of catering and pandering to an N's unending need for unearned adoration and glory. I, as a non-N…  got tired of these people and their unremitting attempts to drain my psyche within a relatively short period of time and abandoned  them as soon as I realized what I was dealing with to preserve my  own sanity."  "It depends on the non-narcissist, really. Narcissism is a RIGID, syste systemi micc patt patter ern n of resp respon onses ses.. It is so allall-pe perv rvas asiv ive e and and allallenco encomp mpas assin sing g that that it is a PERS PERSON ONAL ALIT ITY Y disor disorde derr. If the the nonnonnarcissist is co-dependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a  perfect match for him and the union will last…"  "You "You have have to pimp pimp for for the the narc narcis issi sist st,, inte intell llec ectu tual ally ly,, and  and  sexually. If your narcissist is somatic, you are much better off  lining up the sex partners than leaving it to him. Intellectual  pimping is more varied. You can think of wonderful things and  then subtly string out the idea, in the most delicate of packages and watch the narcis narcissist sist cogitate cogitate their their way to 'their 'their'' brilli brilliant ant discovery whilst you bask in the glow of their perfection and  succ succes ess… s… The poin pointt of this this enti entire re exer exerci cise se is to assu assure re YOUR YOUR supply, which is the narcissist himself, not to punish yourself by   giving away a great idea or abase yourself because, of course, YOU are not worthy of having such a great idea on your own – but who knows, it may seem that way to the inverted narcissist. It really depends on how self-aware the inverted is."  "The only rejection you need to fear is the possibility of losing the narcissist and if one is doing everything else right, this is very  unlikely to happen! So by 'emotionally independent' I am talking about about being being self-a self-assur ssured, ed, doing your your own thing, thing, having having a life, life,   fee feeli ling ng stro strong ng and and good good abou aboutt your yourse self lf,, gett gettin ing g emot emotio iona nall sustenance from other people. I mean, let's face it, a drug is a drug is a habit. Habits just are, and what they ARE NOT are the be all and end all of love, commitment and serene symmetrical, balanced emotion ional perfection that is the ide ideal of the roma romant ntic iciz ized ed 'lov 'lovee-fo forr-a-l -a-lif ifet etim ime' e' allall-Am Amer erica ican n rela relati tion onsh ship ip dream."  "(I "(I am) am) terri terribl bly y turne turned d on by narc narciss issist ists. s. The The most most exci exciti ting ng moments of my life in every venue have been with narcissists. It is as if living and loving with normal people is a grey thing by  comparison, not fuelled by sufficient adrenaline. I feel like a  junkie, now, that I no longer permit myself the giddy pleasure of  the the RUSH RUSH I used used to kn know ow when when I was was deep deeply ly and and hope hopele less ssly  ly 

involved with an N. I am like a lotus-eater. And I always felt  guilty about this and also sorry that I ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist lover."  lover."  "I am exactly this way and I feel exactly as you do, that the world is a sepia motion picture but when I am intimately involved  with a narcissist, it breaks out into three-dimensional Technicolor  and I can see and feel in ways that are not available to me otherwise. In my case I developed this (inverted narcissism) as a result of being the favourite of my father who so completely  absorbed me into his personality that I was not able to develop a sense of separation. So I am stuck in this personality matrix of  needing to be engulfed, adored by and completely taken over by a narcissist in my life. In turn, I worship, defend, regulate and   procure Narcissistic Supply for my narcissist. It is like the mould  and the moulded."  "In my case, I realize that while I can't stop loving my current narcissist, it isn't necessary for me to avoid as long as I can understand. In my way of looking at it, he is deserving of love, and since I can give him love without it hurting me, then as long as he needs it, he shall have it."  "My "My pers person onal al theo theory ry is that that dogm dogmat atic ic reli religio gious us cult culture ure is a reta retard rdin ing g infl influe uenc nce e on the the grow growth th and and matu matura rati tion on of thos those e heavily involved – more and more autonomy (and hence personal resp respon onsi sibi bili lity ty)) seem seemss to be blit blithe hely ly sacr sacrif ific iced ed to the the grou group p mind mind/s /spir pirit it.. It is as thou though gh the the chur church ch memb member erss beco become me one one  personalit  personality y and that personality personality is narcissistic narcissistic and the individual individual   jus justt fold foldss unde underr the the weigh weightt of that that kind kind of grou group p press pressur ure e –  particularly if you are a child."  "If I displayed behaviour that made my XXX look good to others, I was insipidly overvalued. When I dared be something other than who who she she want wanted ed me to be, be, the the sarc sarcas asti ticc crit critic icis ism m and and tota totall devaluation was unbelievable. So, I learned to be all things to all  people. I get a heavenly high from surrendering my power to a narcissist, to catering to them, in having them overvalue and  need me, and it is the only time that I truly feel alive…"  "We have very little choice in all of this. We are as vacant and  warp warped ed as the the narc narciss issis ist. t. XXX XXX is wont wont to say say, 'I don' don'tt HAVE HAVE a  personality disorder, I AM a personality disorder.' It defines who we are and how we will respond. You will always and ONLY have real feelings when you are with a narcissist. It is your love map, it is the programming within your psyche. Does it need to control your behaviour? Not necessarily. Knowing what you are can at least give you the opportunity opportunity to forecast the effect of an action

before you take it. So, loveless black and white may be the very  healthiest thing for you for the foreseeable future. I tend to think of these episodes with narcissists as being cyclic. You will likely need to cut loose for a while when your child is older. older. DO NOT feel ashamed please! Should a physically handicapped   person feel ashamed of their handicap? No and neither should we. The trouble with us is that we are fooled into thinking that these relationships are 'guilty pleasures'. They feel so very good for a time but they are more akin to addiction satisfaction rather than being the 'right match' or an 'appropriate relationship'. I am still very conflicted myself about this. I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a caged very dangerous animal inside of me. When I get near narcissists, narcissists, the animal smells its own kind and it wants out. I very carefully 'micro-manage' my life. This means that I daily do fairly regular reality checks and keep a very tight reign eign on my self self and my beha behavi viou ours rs.. I am also also obse obsess ssiv iveecompulsive."  "I feel as though I'm constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I may wake up in a good mood, but if my N partner does or says something, which is hurtful to me, my mood changes immediately. I now feel sad, empty, afraid. All I want to do at this point is anything that will make him say something NICE to me. Once he does, I'm back on top of the world. This pattern of  mood changes, or whatever you may call them, can take place several times a day. Each and every day. I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure that I can trust myself to feel any one way, because I know that I have no control over myself. He has the cont contro rol. l. It's It's scar scary y, yet yet I've I've sort sort of come come to depe depend nd on him him determining how I am going to feel."  "When I was first involved with my cerebral narcissist I was like this but after awhile I just learned to become more emotionally  dista istan nt (the the ups ups and and down downss wer were just just too too much much)) and and find  ind  emotional gratification with other people, mostly girl friends and  one of two male friends. I make a point of saying … that the invert must be or become emotionally and financially  independent (if you don't do this he will eat you up and when he has finished with you and you are nothing but a husk, you will be expelled from his life in one big vomit). It is really important for  you you to star startt to take take resp respon onsi sibi bili lity ty for for your your own own emot emotio iona nall wellness without regard to how he treats you. Remember that the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a two-year old! Don't expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in your 

relationsh nship – he simp imply is not capable of anyth ything that sophisticated." 

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 54

The Selfish Gene The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism

Question: Is patholo pathologic gical al narcis narcissis sism m the outcom outcome e of inh inheri erited ted traits – or the sad result of abusive and traumatizing upbringing? Or, Or, maybe it is the confluence of both? It is a common occurrence, after all, that, in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment – some siblings grow to be malignant narcissists, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, this this indi indica cate tess a pred predis ispo posi siti tion on of some some peop people le to deve develo lopin pingg narcissism, a part of one's genetic heritage.  Answer: To identify the role of heredity, researchers have resorted to a few tactics: they studied the occurrence of similar psychopathologies in identical twins separated at birth, in twins and and sibl siblin ings gs wh who o grew grew up in the the same same en envi viro ronm nmen ent, t, and and in rela relati tive vess of pati patien ents ts (usu (usual ally ly acro across ss a few few ge gene nera rati tion onss of an extended family). Tellingly, twins – both those raised apart and together – show the same same correl correlati ation on of person personali ality ty trait traits, s, 0.5 [Bouch [Bouchard ard,, Lykk ykken, en, McGue, Segal, and Tellegan, 1990]. Even attitudes, values, and interests have been shown to be highly affected by genetic factors [Waller, Kojetin, Bouchard, Lykken, et al., 1990]. A revi review ew of the the lite litera ratu ture re demo demons nstr trat ates es that that the the ge gene neti ticc component in certain personality disorders (mainly the Antisocial and Schizotypal) is strong [Thapar and McGuffin, 1993]. Nigg and Goldsmith found a connection in 1993 between the Schizoid and Paranoid Paranoid personality disorders and schizophrenia. The three authors of the Dimensional Assessment of Personality Pathology (Livesley, Jackson, and Schroeder) joined forces with Jang in 1993 to study whether 18 of the personality dimensions

were heritable. They found that 40 to 60% of the recurrence of certain personality traits across generations can be explained by here eredit dity: anxi anxiou ousn sne ess, ss, call llou oussne nesss, cog ogni nittive ive dist distor orttion, ion, comp compul ulsi sivi vity ty,, iden identi tity ty prob proble lems ms,, oppo opposi siti tion onal alit ityy, reje reject ctio ion, n, restri restricte cted d expres expressio sion, n, social social avoida avoidance nce,, stimul stimulus us seekin seeking, g, and suspiciousness. Each and every one of these qualities is associated with a personality disorder. In a roundabout way, therefore, this stud studyy su supp ppor orts ts the the hy hypo poth thes esis is that that pers person onal alit ityy diso disorde rders rs are are hereditary. This would go a long way towards explaining why in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment, some siblings grow to have personality disorders, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, Surely, this indicates a genetic predisposition of some people to developing personality disorders. Still, this oft-touted distinction between nature and nurture may be merely a question of semantics. When we are born, we are not much more than the sum of our genes and their manifestations. Our brain – a physical object – is the residence of mental health and its disorders. Mental illness cannot be explained without resorting to the body and, especially, to the the brai brain. n. And ou ourr brai brain n cann cannot ot be cont contem empl plat ated ed with withou outt considering our genes. Thus, any explanation of our mental life that leaves out our hereditary makeup and our neurophysiology is lacking. Such lacking theories are nothing but literary narratives. Psychoanalysis,, for instance, is often accused of being divorced Psychoanalysis from corporeal reality. Our genetic baggage makes us resemble a personal computer. We are an all-purpose, universal, machine. Subject to the right programming (conditioning, socialization, education, upbringing), we can turn out to be anything and everything. A computer can imit imitat ate e any any othe otherr kind kind of disc discre rete te mach machin ine, e, give given n the the righ rightt software. It can play music, screen movies, calculate, print, paint. Compare this to a television set: it is constructed and expected to do one, and only one, thing. It has a single purpose and a unitary fun uncction. ion. We, hu hum mans ans, are mor more like like comp compu uter ters than han like ike television sets. True, single gene geness rarely rarely account account for any behaviour or trait. trait. An arra arrayy of coor coordi dina nate ted d ge gene ness is requ requir ired ed to ex expl plai ain n ev even en the the minutest human phenomenon. "Discoveries" of a "gambling gene" here and an "aggression gene" there are derided by the more serious and less publicity-prone scholars. Yet, it would seem that even complex behaviours such as risk taking, reckless driving, and compulsive shopping have genetic underpinnings.

What about the Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder? It would seem reasonable to assume – though, at this stage, there is not a shred of proof – that the narcissist is born with a propensity to develop narcissistic defences. These are triggered by abuse or trauma during the formative years in infancy or during early adolescence [see FAQ: Narcissist's Mother]. Mother ]. By "abuse" I am referring to a spectrum of behaviours which objectify the child and treat it as an extension of the caregiver (par (paren ent) t) or as an inst instru rume ment nt.. Dott Dottin ingg and and smot smothe heri ring ng are are as abusive as beating and starving. And abuse can be dished out by peers as well as by adult role models. Still, the development of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is attributed mostly to nurture. The Narcissistic Personality Diso isorder rder is an extre xtreme mely ly comp comple lexx bat battery ery of phe pheno nome mena na:: behaviour patterns, cognitions, emotions, conditioning, and so on. NPD is a PER PERSONA SONALLITY ITY dis disorde orderr and ev even en the the mos most arde ardent nt propo ropone nent ntss of the sch cho ool of gen enet etic icss do no nott attri ttribu butte the the development of the whole personality to genes. From my article "The Interrupted Self": Self": "'Organic' and 'mental' disorders (a dubious distinction at best) have many characteristics in common (confabulation, antisocial behaviour, emotional absence or flatness, indifference, psychotic episodes and so on)." 

From an essay I wrote "On Dis-ease": Dis-ease": "Moreover, the distinction between the psychic and the physical is hotly disputed, philosophically. The psychophysical problem is as intractable today as it ever was (if not more so). It is beyond  doubt that the physical affects the mental and the other way  around. This is what disciplines like psychiatry are all about. The abil bility ity to cont contrrol 'aut 'auton onom omou ous' s' bodi bodily ly func functi tion onss (such such as heartbeat) and mental reactions to pathogens of the brain are  proof of the artificialness of this distinction. It is a result of the reductionist view of nature as divisible and summable… s ummable… The distinction between the patient and the outside world is superfluous and wrong. The patient AND his environment are ONE  and the same. Disease is a perturbation in the operation and  management of the complex ecosystem known as patient-world. Humans Humans absorb their environment environment and feed it in equal measures. measures. This on-going interaction interaction IS the patient. We cannot exist without without the intake of water, water, air, air, visual stimuli and food. Our environment is defined by our actions and output, physical and mental. Thus, one must question the classical differentiation between 'internal' 'internal' and 'external'. 'external'. Some illnesses illnesses are considered considered 'endogenic'  'endogenic' 

(generated from the inside). Natural, 'internal', causes – a heart defect, a biochemical imbalance, a genetic mutation, a metabolic   process gone awry – cause disease. Aging and deformities also belong in this category. In contrast, problems of nurturance and environment – early  childhood abuse, for instance, or malnutrition – are 'external' and  so are the 'classical' pathogens (germs and viruses) and accidents. But this, again, is a counter-productive approach. Exogenic and  Endogenic pathogenesis is inseparable. Mental states increase or  decrea decrease se the suscept susceptibil ibility ity to extern externall ally y induce induced d diseas disease. e. Talk therapy or abuse (external events) alter the biochemical balance of the brain (an internal event). The The insi inside de cons consta tant ntly ly inte intera ract ctss wi with th the the outs outsid ide e and and is so inte intert rtwi wine ned d wi with th it that that all all disti istinc ncti tion onss betw betwee een n them them are are arti artifi fici cial al and and misl mislea eadi ding ng.. The The best best exam exampl ple e is, is, of cour course se,, medi medica cati tion on:: it is an exte extern rnal al agen agent, t, it infl influe uenc nces es inte intern rnal al  processes and it has a very strong mental correlate (its efficacy is influenced by mental factors as in the placebo effect). The very nature of dysfunction and sickness is highly culturedependent. Soci Societ etal al par paramet ameter erss dict dictat ate e right ight and wron wrong g in heal health th (especially mental health). It is all a matter of statistics. Certain diseases are accepted in certain parts of the world as a fact of  life or even a sign of distinction (e.g., the paranoid schizophrenic as chosen by the gods). If there is no dis-ease there is no disease. That the physical or mental state of a person CAN be different – does does not not impl imply y that that it MUST MUST be diff differ eren entt or even even that that it is desirable that it should be different. In an over-populated world, sterility might be the desirable thing – or even the occasional epidemic. There is no such thing as ABSOLUTE dysfunction. The body and the mind ALWAYS function. They adapt themselves to thei theirr envi enviro ronm nmen entt and and if the the latt latter er chan change gess – they they chan change ge.. Personality disorders are the best possible responses to abuse."  First published on the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Topic.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 64

The Weapon of Language

Question: My wife wife was was diag diagno nose sed d as a narc narcis issi sist st.. She She twist wistss everything and turns it against me. She distorts everything I ever said, ignores the context, and even invents her own endings. It is impossible to have a meaningful conversation with her because she won't commit to anything she says.  Answer: In the narcis narcissis sist's t's surrea surrealis listic tic world, world, even even langua language ge is pathologized. It mutates into a weapon of self-defence, a verbal fortification, a medium without a message, replacing words with duplicitous and ambiguous vocables. Narcissists (and, often, by contagion, their unfortunate victims) don't talk, or communicate. They fend off. They hide and evade and avoid and disguise. In their planet of capricious and arbitrary unpredictability, of shifting semiotic and semantic dunes – they perfect the ability to say nothing in lengthy, lengthy, Castro-like speeches. The ensuing convolut luted sentences are arabesques of meanin meaningle gless ssnes ness, s, acroba acrobatic ticss of evasio evasion, n, a lack lack of commit commitmen mentt elevated to an ideology. The narcissist prefers to wait and see what waiting brings. It is the postponement of the inevitable that lead leadss to the the inev inevit itab abil ilit ityy of post postpo pone neme ment nt as a stra strate tegy gy of survival. It is ofte often n impos impossi sibl ble e to real really ly un unde ders rsta tand nd a narc narcis issi sist st.. Th The e evas ev asiv ive e synt syntax ax fast fast dete deteri riora orate tess into into ev ever er more more laby labyri rint nthi hine ne structures. The grammar tortured to produce the verbal Doppler shif sh ifts ts es esse sent ntia iall to disg disgui uise se the the sour source ce of the the info inform rmat atio ion, n, its its distan distance ce from from realit realityy, the speed speed of its degene degenerat ration ion into into rigid rigid "official" versions. Buried under the lush flora and fauna of idioms without an end, the the lang langua uage ge erup erupts ts,, like like some some ex exot otic ic rash rash,, an auto autoim immu mune ne react reaction ion to its infect infection ion and contam contamina inatio tion. n. Lik Like e vile wee weeds ds it

spreads throughout, strangling with absent minded persistence the ability to understand, to feel, to agree, to disagree and to debate, to present arguments, to compare notes, to learn and to teach. Narcissists, therefore, never talk to others – rather, they talk at others others,, or lec lectur ture e them. them. The Theyy exc exchan hange ge subtex subtexts, ts, camouf camouflag lageewrapped by elaborate, florid, texts. They read between the lines, spawn wniing a multitude of private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumours, phobias and hysterias. Theirs is a solipsistic world: where communication is permitted only with oneself and the aim of language is to throw others off the scent or to obtain Narcissistic Supply. This Th is has has prof profou ound nd impl implic icat atio ions ns.. Comm Commun unic icat atio ion n thro throug ugh h unequi une quivoc vocal, al, unambi unambiguo guous, us, inform informat ation ion-ri -rich ch symbol symbol system systemss is such an integral and crucial part of our world that its absence is not postulated even in the remotest galaxies which grace the skies of science fiction. In this sense, narcissists are nothing short of aliens. It is not that they employ a different language, a code to be deciphered by a new Freud. Their linguistic deficiency is also not the outcome of upbringing or socio-cultural background. It is the fact that language is put by narcissists to a different use – not to communicate but to obscure, not to share but to abstain, not to learn but to defend and resist, not to teach but to preserve ever less tenable monopolies, to disagree without incurring wrath, to criticize without commitment, to agree without appearing to do so. Thus, an "agreement" with a narcissist is a vague expression of intent at a given moment – rather than the clear listing of longterm, iron-cast and mutual commitments. The rules rules that that govern govern the narcis narcissis sist's t's uni univer verse se are loopho loopholed led inco incomp mpre rehe hens nsib ible les, s, open open to an ex exeg eges esis is so wide wide and and so se self lf-contra contradic dictor toryy that that it render renderss them them me meani aningl ngless ess.. The narcis narcissis sistt ofte often n hang hangss hims himsel elff by his his own own ve verb rbos ose e Gord Gordic ic kn knot ots, s, havi having ng stumbled through a minefield of logical fallacies and endured selfinflicted inflicted inconsist inconsistencie encies. s. Unfinished Unfinished sentences sentences hover in the air, air, like vapour above a semantic swamp. In the case of the inverted narcissist, who had been suppressed and abused by overbearing caregivers, there is the strong urge not to offend. Intimacy and co-dependence are companions. Parental or peer pressures are irresistible and result in conformity and selfdeprec deprecat ation. ion. Agg Aggres ressiv sive e tenden tendencie cies, s, strong strongly ly repres repressed sed in the social pressure cooker, teem under the veneer of forced civility and violent politeness. Constructive ambiguity, a non-committal "eve "every ryon one e is go good od and and righ right" t",, an atav atavis isti ticc vari varian antt of mora morall relativism and tolerance bred of fear and of contempt – are all at

the service of this eternal vigilance against aggressive drives, at the disposal of a never ending peacekeeping mission. With ith the the clas classi sicc narc narcis issi sist st,, lang langua uage ge is us used ed crue cruell llyy and and ruthlessly to ensnare one's enemies, to saw confusion and panic, to move others to emulate the narcissist (Projective Identification), to leave the listeners in doubt, in hesitation, in paralysis, to gain control, control, or to punish. Language Language is enslaved enslaved and forced forced to lie. The language is appropriated and expropriated. It is considered to be a weapon, an asset, a piece of lethal property, a traitorous mistress to be gang raped into submission. To cerebral narcissists, language is a lover. The infatuation with its its ve very ry soun sound d lead leadss to a pyro pyrote tech chni nicc type type of spee speech ch wh whic ich h sacrifices its meaning to its music. Its speakers pay more attention to the composition than to the content. They are swept by it, into intoxi xica cate ted d by its its perf perfec ecti tion on,, ineb inebri riat ated ed by the spir spiral alli ling ng comp comple lexi xity ty of its its form forms. s. Here Here,, lang langua uage ge is an infl inflam amma mato tory ry process. It attacks the very tissues of the narcissist's relationships with artistic artistic fierceness fierceness.. It invades invades the healthy cells of reason reason and logic, of cool headed argumentation and level headed debate. Lang Langua uage ge is a lead leadin ingg indi indica cato torr of the the psyc psycho holo logi gica call and and instit instituti utiona onall health health of social social uni units, ts, such such as the family family,, or the work workpl plac ace. e. Soci Social al capi capita tall can can often often be me meas asur ured ed in cogn cognit itiv ive e (hence, verbal-lingual) terms. To monitor the level of comprehensibility and lucidity of texts is to study the degree of sanity of family members, co-workers, friends, spouses, mates, and colleagues. There can be no hale society without unambiguous speech speech,, withou withoutt cle clear ar commu communic nicati ations ons,, withou withoutt the traffi trafficc of idioms and content that is an inseparable part of every social contract. Our language determines how we perceive our world. It IS our mind and our consciousness. The narcissist, in this respect, is a great social menace. First published on the Suite 101 Narcissistic Personality Disorder Topic.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 72

Collective Narcissism Narcissism, Culture and Society

"It is always possible to bind together a considerable number of    people in love, so long as there are other people left over to receive the manifestations of their aggressiveness."  [Sigmund Freud, Civilization and its Discontents]

Question: I believe that (ethnic group deleted) are all narcissists. Can it be that a group of people are all narcissists or am I your average bigot and racist?  Answer: In thei theirr book book "Per "Perso sona nali lity ty Diso Disord rder erss in Mo Mode dern rn Life Life", ", Theodore Millon and Roger Davis state, as a matter of fact, that pathological narcissism was the preserve of "the royal and the wealthy" and that it "seems to have gained prominence only in the late twentieth century" . Narcissism, according to them, may be associat associated ed with "higher levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs… Individuals in less advantaged nations … are too busy trying (to survive) … to be arrogant and grandiose" . They – like Chr Christ istophe opherr Las Lasch ch bef efo ore the hem m – attr attrib ibu ute pathological narcissism to "a society that stresses individualism and self-gratification at the expense of community, namely the United States" . They assert that the disorder is more prevalent among certain professions with "star power" or respect. "In an individualistic culture, the narcissist is 'God's gift to the world'. In a collect ectivi ivist soc societ iety, the narcissist ist is 'Go 'God's gift to the collective'."  Millon quotes Warren and Caponi's "The Role of Culture in the Develo Developme pment nt of Narci Narciss ssist istic ic Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorders ers in Ame Americ rica, a, Japan and Denmark":

"Ind "Indiv ivid idua uali list stic ic narc narcis issi sist stic ic stru struct ctur ures es of self self-r -reg egar ard d (in (in indi indivi vidu dual alis isti ticc soci societ etie ies) s) … are are rath rather er self self-c -con onta tain ined ed and  and  independent… (In collectivist cultures) narcissistic configurations of the the we-s we-sel elff … deno denotte sel self-es f-estteem eem deri derive ved d from from stro strong ng iden identi tifi fica cati tion on wi with th the the repu reputa tati tion on and and hono honour ur of the the fami family ly,,  groups, and others in hierarchical relationships." 

But Millon and Davis are wrong. Theirs is, indeed, the quintessential American point of view which lacks an intimate knowledge of other parts of the world. Millon even wrongly claims that the DSM's international equivalent, the ICD, does not include the Narcis Narcissis sistic tic Persona ersonalit lityy Disord Disorder er (it does, does, though though not as a separate mental health diagnosis). Patholo athologic gical al narcis narcissis sism m is a ubiqui ubiquitou touss phenom phenomeno enon n becaus because e every human being – regardless of the nature of his society and cult cu ltur ure e – deve develo lops ps he heal alth thyy narc narcis issi sism sm earl earlyy in life life.. Heal Health thyy narcissism is rendered pathological by abuse – and abuse, alas, is a universal human behaviour. By "abuse" we mean any refusal to ack ckno nowl wled edgge the the eme merrging ing boun bounda dari ries es of the indi indivvidua iduall – smothering, doting, and excessive expectations are as abusive as beating and incest. There are malignant narcissists among subsistence farmers in Africa, nomads in the Sinai desert, day labourers in East Europe, and intellectuals and socialites in Manhattan. Malignant narcissism is all-pervasive and independent of culture and society. society. It is true, though that the WAY pathological narcissism manifests and is experienced is dependent on the particulars of societies and cultures. In some cultures, it is encouraged, in others suppressed. In some societies it is channelled against minorities – in others it is tainted with paranoia. In collectivist societies, it may be projected onto the collective, in individualistic societies it is an individual's trait. Yet, can families, organizations, ethnic groups, churches, and even ev en wh whol ole e nati nation onss be safe safely ly desc descri ribe bed d as "nar "narci ciss ssis isti tic" c" or "pathologically self-absorbed"? Wouldn't such generalizations be a trifl rifle e raci racist st and and more more than than a trif trifle le wron wrong? g? Th The e answ answer er is: is: it depends. Human Human collec collectiv tives es – state states, s, firms, firms, hou househ sehold olds, s, instit instituti utions ons,, political parties, cliques, bands – acquire a life and a character all the heir ir own wn.. The long longer er the ass associa ociati tion on or aff affilia iliattion ion of the members, the more cohesive and conformist the inner dynamics of the group, the more persecutory or numerous its enemies, the more more intens intensive ive the physic physical al and emotio emotional nal experi experienc ences es of the individuals it is comprised of, the stronger the bonds of locale,

language, and history – the more rigorous might an assertion of a common pathology be. Such an all-pervasive and extensive pathology manifests itself in the behaviour of each and every member. It is a defining – though ofte ften an impl implic icit it or un unde derrlyin lyingg – me men ntal tal struc tructture. ure. It has has explanatory and predictive powers. It is recurrent and invariable: a pattern of conduct melded with distorted cognition and stunted emotions. And it is often vehemently denied. A possible DSM-like list of criteria for narcissistic organizations or groups: An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually begi beginn nnin ingg at the the grou group' p'ss earl earlyy hist history ory and and pres presen entt in vari various ous contexts. Persecution and abuse are often the causes – or at least the antecedents – of the pathology. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met: • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group roup – fee eell gran randios diose e and and selfelf-im impo port rta ant (e (e.g .g., ., they they exaggerate the group's achievements and talents to the point of lyin lying, g, dema demand nd to be reco recogn gniz ized ed as su supe peri rior or simp simply ly for for belonging to the group and without commensurate achievement). • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – are obsessed with group fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance, bodil bodilyy beau beauty ty or perf perfor orma manc nce, e, or idea ideal, l, ev ever erlas lasti ting ng,, allallconquering ideals or political theories. • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – are firmly convinced that the group is unique and, bein beingg spec specia ial, l, can can on only ly be un unde ders rsto tood od by, by, sh shou ould ld on only ly be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or highstatus groups (or institutions). • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – require excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wish to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply). • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – feel entitled. They expect unreasonable or special and

favourable favourable priority priority treatmen treatment. t. They demand demand automatic automatic and full fu ll comp compli lian ance ce with with ex expe pect ctat atio ions ns.. Th They ey rare rarely ly acce accept pt responsibi responsibility lity for their actions actions ("alloplas ("alloplastic tic defences") defences").. This often leads to anti-social behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass scale. • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – are "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., use others to achi achiev eve e thei theirr own own en ends ds.. Th This is ofte often n lead leadss to anti anti-s -soc ocia iall behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass scale. • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – are devoid of empathy. empathy. They are unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of other groups. This often leads to anti-social behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass scale. • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – are constantly envious of others or believe that they are are bein beingg equa equallly en envi vied ed.. Th This is ofte often n lead leadss to anti anti-s -soc ocia iall behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass scale. • Th The e grou group p as a wh whol ole, e, or me memb mber erss of the group group – acti acting ng as such and by virtue of their association and affiliation with the group – are arrogant and sport haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, punished, limit imited ed,, or con onfr fron onte ted. d. This his ofte often n lead leadss to antinti-so soci cial al behaviour, cover-ups, and criminal activities on a mass scale. Return

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION # 92

The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist

Question: What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a narcissist?  Answer: The Victims

On the face of it, there is no partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initia initiall phases phases of attra attracti ction, on, infatu infatuati ation on and fallin fallingg in love love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face – the other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test. Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, ofte often n harr harrow owin ing. g. Surv Surviv ivin ingg a rela relati tion onsh ship ip with with a narc narcis issi sist st indica indicates tes,, theref therefore ore,, the parame parameter terss of the person personali ality ty of the survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse. First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he)) is boun he bound d to aban abando don n the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's sh ship ip earl earlyy on on.. Th The e cognitive distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself, while aggrandizing and adoring the narcissist. The Th e part partne nerr is, is, thus thus,, plac placin ingg he hers rsel elff in the the posi positi tion on of the the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and vict victim imiz ized ed.. At othe otherr times imes,, sh she e is not ev even en awar aware e of this this predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her because

he is superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, professionally, or financially). The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. She feels that the tormented life with the narcissist is just what she deserves. In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist. By maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally depe depend nden entt upon upon he herr sour source ce of maso masoch chis isti ticc su supp pply ly (whi (which ch the the narcissist most reliably constitutes and most amply provides), the partner enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are at the very core of narcissism. The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His sadistic Superego switches its its atte attent ntio ions ns from from the the narc narcis issi sist st (in (in wh whom om it ofte often n prov provok okes es suic su icid idal al idea ideati tion on)) to the the part partne nerr, thus thus fina finall llyy obta obtain inin ingg an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction. It is through self-denial that the partner survives. She denies her wishes wishes,, hopes, hopes, dreams dreams,, aspira aspiratio tions, ns, sexual sexual,, psycho psycholog logica icall and mate materi rial al ne need eds, s, ch choi oice ces, s, pref prefer eren ence ces, s, valu values es,, and mu much ch else else beside besides. s. She percei perceives ves her nee needs ds as threat threateni ening ng becaus because e they they might might eng engend ender er the wrath wrath of the narcis narcissis sist's t's God-li God-like ke suprem supreme e figure. The Th e narc narcis issi sist st is rend render ered ed in he herr ey eyes es ev even en more more su supe peri rior or through and because of this self-denial. Self-denial undertaken to facilitate and ease the life of a "great man" is more palatable. The "greater" the man (the narcissist), the easier it is for the partner to ignore her own self, to dwindle, to degenerate, to turn into an appendix of the narcissist and, finally, to become nothing but an extension, to merge with the narcissist to the point of oblivion and of merely dim memories of herself. The two collaborate in this macabre dance. dance. The narcissist is formed by his partner inasmuch as he forms her. her. Submission breeds supe su peri rior orit ityy and and maso masoch chis ism m bree breeds ds sadi sadism sm.. Th The e rela relati tions onshi hip p is char ch arac acte teri rize zed d by em emer erge gent ntis ism: m: with within in the the coup couple le,, role roless are are allocated almost from the start and any deviation meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction. The predominant predominant state of the partner's partner's mind is utter confusion. confusion. Even Even the most most basic basic relat relation ionship shipss – with with hus husban band, d, ch childr ildren, en, or parents – remain bafflingly obscured by the giant shadow cast by the the inte intens nsiv ive e inte intera ract ctio ion n with with the the narc narcis issi sist st.. A su susp spen ensi sion on of judgem judgement ent is part part and parcel parcel of a suspen suspensio sion n of indivi individua dualit lityy,

which are both prerequisites to and the outcomes of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and right and what is wrong and forbidden. The narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional ambi ambien ence ce that that led led to his his own own form format atio ion n in the the firs firstt place lace:: capriciousness, fickleness, arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment. The world becomes hostile and ominous and the partner has only one thing left to cling to: the narcissist. And cling she does. If there is anything which can safely be said about those who emotionally team up with narcissists, it is that they are overtly and overly dependent. The partner doesn't know what to do – and this is only too natural in the mayhem that is the relationship with the narcissist. But the typical partner also does not know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and what she wishes to become. These The se unansw unanswere ered d questio questions ns hamper hamper the partne partner's r's abilit abilityy to gauge reality. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person. It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends. The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of hum umil ilia iati tion onss and of subj ubjug ugat atio ion n. It is the the rebe rebell llio ion n of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist. The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be labelled "pathological". Why is it that the partner seeks to prolong her pain? What is the source and purpose of this masochistic streak? Upon the break-up of the relationship, the partner (but not the narcissist, who usually refuses to provide closure) engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem. But the question who did what to whom (and even why) is irrele irrelevan vant. t. What What is releva relevant nt is to stop stop mourni mourning ng one onesel self, f, start start smiling again and love in a less subservient, hopeless, and paininflicting manner. The Abuse

Abus buse is an int integ egra ral, l, ins insepar eparab able le part part of the the Narc arciss issist istic Personality Disorder. Disorder. The narcis narcissis sistt ideal idealize izess and then then DEVALU DEVALUES ES and discar discards ds the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation

IS abuse. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, and controls others. There are many forms of abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a morbid sense of humour, or consistently tactless is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore someone are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Narc Narcis issi sist stss are are mast master erss of abus abusin ingg su surr rrep epti titi tiou ousl slyy ( "ambient abuse"). abuse" ). They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse. There are two important categories of abuse: 1. Overt Abuse – The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, battering, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment") treatment"),, devaluing, devaluing, unce unceremon remoniously iously discarding discarding,, verbal verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse. 2. Covert or Controlling Abuse – Narcissism is almost entirely about control. It is a primitive and immature reaction to the circumstances of the narcissist's life (usually in his childhood) in which he was rendered helpless. It is about re-asserting one's identity identity,, re-establi re-establishing shing predictabil predictability ity,, mastering mastering the environment, both human and physical. The Th e bulk bulk of narc narcis issi sist stic ic beha behavi viou ours rs can can be trac traced ed to this this pani panick ckyy rea reaction tion to the the pot poten enttial ial for for loss loss of cont contrrol. Narc Narcis issi sist stss are are hy hypo poch chon ondr dria iacs cs (and (and diff diffic icul ultt pati patien ents ts)) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, their appearance, and their proper functioning. They are obsessivecompulsive in their efforts to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch": another form of narcissistic control. But why the panic? The Th e narc narcis issi sist st is a soli solips psis ist. t. To him, him, no noth thin ingg ex exis ists ts ex exce cept pt himself. Meaningful others are his extensions, assimilated by him, they are internal objects – not external ones. Thus, losing control of a significant other is equivalent to losing the use of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying. Independent or disobedient people evoke in the narcissist the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is

not the centre of the world or its prime mover and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations. To the narcissist, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the narcissist's mind, being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imag Imagin ine, e, if you you su sudd dden enly ly we were re to find find ou outt that that you you cann cannot ot manipu manipulat late e your your memori memories es or contro controll your your though thoughts ts… … It would would have felt nightmarish! Moreover, it is often only through manipulation and extortion that hat the narc arciss issist ist can se secu curre his Nar Narcis cissis sisti ticc Sup Supply ply (N (NS) S).. Controlling his Sources of Narcissistic Supply is a (mental) life or death question for the narcissist. The narcissist is a drug addict (his drug being Narcissistic Supply) and he goes to great lengths to obtain the next dose. In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the narcissist resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list: Unpredictability 

The narcissist acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irra irrati tion onal ally ly.. Th This is se serv rves es to demo demoli lish sh in othe others rs thei theirr care carefu full llyy crafted worldview. They become dependent upon the next twist and turn of the narcissist, his inexplicable whims, his outbursts, denial, or smiles. In other words: the narcissist makes sure that HE is the only stable entity in the lives of others by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He guarantees his presence in their lives by destabilizing them. In the absence of a self, there are no likes or dislikes, prefer preferenc ences, es, predic predictab table le behavi behaviour our or charac character terist istics ics.. It is not possible to know the narcissist. There is no one there. The narcissist was conditioned from an early age of abuse and traum rauma a to ex expe pect ct the the un unex expe pect cted ed.. His His was was a worl world d in wh whic ich h (som (somet etim imes es sadi sadist stic ic)) capr capric icio ious us care careta take kers rs and and peer peerss ofte often n behave behaved d arbitr arbitrari arily ly.. He was train trained ed to deny deny his True True Self Self and nurture a False one. Having invented himself, the narcissist sees no problem in reinventing that which he designed in the first place. The narcissist is his own repeated creator – hence his grandiosity. More Mo reov over er,, the the narc narcis issi sist st is a man man for for all all se seas ason ons, s, fore foreve verr adapta adaptable ble,, const constant antly ly imitat imitating ing and emu emulat lating ing role role models models,, a human sponge, a perfect mirror, a chameleon, a non-entity that is, at the same time, all entities combined.

The narcissist is best described by Heidegger's phrase: "Being and Nothingness". Into this reflective vacuum, this sucking black hole, the narcissist attracts the Sources of his Narcissistic Supply. To an obse observ rver er,, the the narc narcis issi sist st appe appear arss to be frac fractu ture red d or discontinuous. Pathological narcissism has been compared to the Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly the Multiple Personality Disorder). By definition, the narcissist has at least two selves, the True and False False one ones. s. His person personali ality ty is very very primit primitive ive and disorg disorgani anized zed.. Living with a narcissist is a nauseating experience not only because of what he is, but because of what he is NOT. He is not a fully formed human, but a dizzyingly kaleidoscopic gallery of ephemeral images, which melt into each other seamlessly. It is incredibly disorienting. It is also also ex exce ceed edin ingl glyy prob proble lema mati tic. c. Promi romise sess made made by the the narcissist are easily disowned by him. His plans are transient. His emotional ties a simulacrum. Most narcissists have one island of stability in their life (spouse, family, their career, a hobby, their religion, country, or idol) pounded by the turbulent currents of an otherwise stochastic existence. The narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws or social norms, and regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits. Thus Th us,, to inve invest st in a narc narcis issi sist st is a purp purpos osel eles ess, s, fu futi tile le and and mean me anin ingl gles esss activ ctivit ityy. To the the narc narcis issi sist st,, ev ever eryy day day is a ne new w beginning, a hunt, a new cycle of idealization or devaluation, a newl ne wlyy inve invent nted ed se self lf.. Th Ther ere e is no accum ccumul ulat atio ion n of cred credit itss or goodwill because the narcissist has no past and no future. He occupies an eternal and timeless present. present. He is a fossil caught in the frozen ashes of a volcanic childhood. What to do? Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and and rati ration onal al acti action onss and and reac reacti tion ons. s. Insi Insist st on resp respec ectt for for your your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities. Disproportional Reactions

One of the One the favo favour urit ite e tool toolss of mani manipu pula lati tion on in the the narc narcis issi sist st's 's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. He punishes severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. He throws a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, howe ho weve verr ge gent ntly ly and and cons consid ider erat atel elyy ex expr pres esse sed. d. Imme Immedi diat atel elyy thereafter, he may act attentive, charming and seductive (even

over-sexed, if need be). This ever-shifting emotional landscape ("af ("affe fect ctiv ive e dune dunes" s")) coup couple led d with with an inor inordi dina nate tely ly hars harsh h and and arbi arbitr trar aril ilyy appl applie ied d "pen "penal al code code"" are are both both prom promul ulga gate ted d by the the narcissist. Neediness and dependence on the source of all justice meted – the narcissist – are thus guaranteed. What to do? Demand Demand a just just and propor proportio tional nal treatm treatment ent.. Reje eject ct or ign ignore ore unjust and capricious behaviour. If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine. Dehumanization and Objectification

People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-h good-hear earted tednes nesss of others others.. By dehuma dehumaniz nizing ing and object objectify ifying ing people the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the social trea treaty ty.. Th This is is the the "ali "alien en"" aspe aspect ct of narc narcis issi sist sts: s: they they may may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally non-existent, or, at best, immature. This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that hat the they are are the mos most sus usccept eptible ible and vu vuln lner erab able le to the the narci narcissi ssist' st'ss contro control. l. Physica hysical, l, psycho psycholog logica ical, l, verbal verbal and sexual sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification. What to do? Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If thin things gs ge gett roug rough h – dise diseng ngag age, e, invo involv lve e law law en enfo forc rcem emen entt officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally). Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.  Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the narc narcis issi sist st is on the the prow prowl. l. He coll collec ects ts info inform rmat atio ion n with with the the intention of abusing it later in order to extract Narcissistic Supply. The more he knows about his potential Source of Supply, the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert her "to the cause". The narcissist does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armoury.

What to do? Be gu guar arde ded. d. Don' Don'tt be too too fort forthc hcom omin ingg in a firs firstt or casu casual al meeting. First, gather intelligence on your interlocutor. Be your yourse self lf.. Don' Don'tt misr misrep epre rese sent nt your your wish wishes es,, boun bounda dari ries es,, preferences, priorities, and red lines. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute. Impossible Situations

The narcis narcissis sistt eng engine ineers ers imposs impossibl ible, e, danger dangerous ous,, unpred unpredict ictabl able, e, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely and indispensably needed. The narcissist's knowledge, his skills or his traits become the only ones applicable, or the most useful to coping with these artificial predicaments. It is a form of control by proxy.. proxy What to do? Stay Stay away away from from su such ch quag quagmi mire res. s. Scru Scruti tini nize ze ev ever eryy offe offerr and and suggestion, no matter how innocuous. Prepare back-u -up p plans. Keep others informed of you your whereabouts and appraised of your situation. Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry. Control by Proxy 

If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, or the media – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass harass,, commun communica icate te and otherw otherwise ise manip manipula ulate te his targe target. t. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done. Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in whic wh ich h abus abuse e is infl inflic icte ted d upon upon anot anothe herr pers person on.. Such Such care carefu full llyy crafted scenarios involve embarrassment and humiliation as well as social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment). Society, or a social group become the instruments of the narcissist. What to do? Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. him. Info Inform rm them them.. Demo Demons nstr trat ate e to them them ho how w they they are are bein beingg abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.  Ambient Abuse

Gasl Gaslig ight htin ingg or stealt ealth h or ambi ambie ent abus buse is the fos fosteri tering ng,, propa ropaggatio ation n and and en enha hanc ncem emen entt of an atmosp mosphe here re of fe fear ar, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable or provable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. In the long-term, such an environment erodes one's sense of self se lf-w -wor orth th and and se self lf-e -est stee eem. m. Self Self-c -con onfi fide denc nce e is sh shak aken en badl badlyy. Ofte Of ten, n, the the vict victim imss beco become me para parano noid id or schi schizo zoid id and and thus thus are are exposed even more to criticism and judgement. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally disordered and the narcissist the suffering soul or the victim. What to do? Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops into overt and violent abuse. You don't owe anyone an explanation but you owe yourself a life. Bail out of the relationship. Leave him now. Indifference and Decompenzation in Pathological Narcissism

The narc The narcis issi sist st lack lackss em empa path thyy. Cons Conseq eque uent ntly ly,, he is no nott real really ly interested in the lives, emotions, needs, preferences, and hopes of people around him. Even his nearest and dearest are, to him, mere instr instrumen uments ts of grat gratifica ification tion.. Th They ey requ requir ire e his his un undi divi vide ded d atte attent ntio ion n on only ly wh when en they they "mal "malfu func ncti tion" on" – wh when en they they beco become me disobedient, independent, or critical critical.. He loses all interest in them if they cannot be "fixed" (for instance, when they are terminally ill or develop a modicum of personal autonomy and independence). Once On ce he give givess up on his his erst erstwh whil ile e Sour Source cess of Supp Supply ly,, the the narci narcissi ssist st procee proceeds ds to prompt promptly ly and peremp peremptor torily ily dev devalu alue e and discard them. This is often done by simply ignoring them – a facade of indifference that is known as the "silent treatment" and is, at heart, hostile and aggressive. Indifference is, therefore, a form of devaluation. People find the narcissist "cold", "inhuman", "heartless", "clueless", "robotic "robotic or machine-like". machine-like". Early on in life, the narcissist learns to disguise his sociallyunacce unaccept ptabl able e indiff indiffere erence nce as benevo benevolen lence, ce, equani equanimit mityy, coolcoolheadedness, composure, or superiority. "It is not that I don't care about others" – he shrugs off his critics – "I am simply more level-

headed headed,, more more resili resilient ent,, more more compos composed ed under under pressu pressure… re… The Theyy mistake my equanimity for apathy." The narcissist tries to convince people that he is compassionate. His prof profou ound nd lack lack of inte intere rest st in his his spou spouse se's 's life life,, voca vocattion, ion, inte intere rest sts, s, ho hobb bbies ies,, and and wh wher erea eabou bouts ts he cloa cloaks ks as benevolent altruism.. "I give her all the freedom she can wish for!" – he altruism protests – "I don't spy on her, follow her, or nag her with endless questions. I don't bother her. I let her lead her life the way she sees fit and don't interfere in her affairs!" He makes a virtue out of his emotional truancy. All very commendable but when taken to extremes such benign neglect turns malignant and signifies the voidance of true love and attac attachme hment. nt. The narcis narcissis sist's t's emotio emotional nal (and, (and, often, often, physic physical) al) absence from all his relationships is a form of aggression and a defence against his own thoroughly repressed feelings. feelings. In rare moments of self-awareness self-awareness,, the narcissist realizes that without his input – even in the form of feigned emotions – people will abandon him. him. He then swings from cruel aloofness to maudlin and grandiose gestures intended to demonstrate the "larger than life" nature of his sentiments. This bizarre pendulum only proves the narcissist's inadequacy at maintaining adult relationships. It convinces no one and repels many. The narcis narcissis sist's t's guarde guarded d detac detachme hment nt is a sad reacti reaction on to his unfortunate formative years. Pat Pathological hological narcissism is thought to be the result of a prolonged period of severe abuse by primary caregivers, peers, or authority figures. In this sense, pathological narcissism is, therefore, a reaction to trauma trauma.. Narcissism IS a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that got ossified and fixated and mutated into a personality disorder. disorder. All narcissists are traumatized and all of them suffer from a vari variet etyy of post post-t -tra raum umat atic ic symp sympto toms ms:: aban abando donm nmen entt anxi anxiet etyy, reckless rec kless behavi behaviours ours,, anxi anxiet etyy and and mood mood diso disord rder ers, s, somatoform disorders,, and so on. But the presenting disorders presenting signs of narcissism narcissism rarely rarely indicate post-trauma. This is because pathological narcissism is an EFFICIENT coping (defence) mechanism. The narcissist presents to the the worl world d a faca facade de of invi invinc ncib ibili ility ty,, equa equani nimi mity ty,, su supe peri rior orit ityy, skilf skilful ulne ness ss,, cool cool-h -hea eade dedne dness ss,, invu invuln lner erab abil ilit ityy, and, and, in sh shor ort: t: indifference. This Th is fron frontt is pene penetr trat ated ed on only ly in time timess of grea greatt cris crises es that that threaten the narcissist's ability to obtain Narcissistic Supply. Supply. The narcissist then "falls apart" in a process of disintegration known as decompenzation. The dynamic forces which render him paralyzed and fake – his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and fears – are starkly

exposed as his defences crumble and become dysfunctional. The narc narciss issis ist' t'ss ex extr trem eme e depe depend nden ence ce on his his soci social al mili milieu eu for for the the regu regula lati tion on of his his se sens nse e of se self lf-w -wor orth th is pain painfu full llyy and and piti pitifu full llyy evident as he is reduced to begging and cajoling. At such times, the narcissist acts out self-destructively and antisocially. His mask of superior equanimity is pierced by displays of impote impotent nt rage, rage, sel self-l f-loat oathin hing, g, sel self-p f-pity ity,, and crass crass attemp attempts ts at manipulation of his friends, family, and colleagues. His ostensible benevolence and caring evaporate. He feels caged and threatened and he reacts as any animal would do – by striking back at his perceived tormentors, at his hitherto "nearest" and "dearest". The Malignant Optimism of the Abused

I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that that the the narc narcis issi sist st prov provok okes es in his his vict victim ims. s. It is wh what at I call call "mal "malig igna nant nt opti optimi mism sm". ". Peo eopl ple e refu refuse se to beli believ eve e that that some some questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence, utterance, or slip of tongue. They are deceived by their own pressing need to beli believ eve e in the the ulti ultima mate te vict victory ory of go good od over over ev evil, il, he heal alth th over over sickn knes esss, orde orderr ove verr dis disorde orderr. Life Life appe appea ars othe otherw rwis ise e so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary… So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical thinking. "If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under his hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently", "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers", "He is not responsible for what he is – his narcissism is the product of a difficult childhood, of abuse, and of his monstrous parents." The Pollyanna defences of the abused are aimed against the emerging and horrible understanding that humans are mere specks of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one and that finally the victims' pains means nothing to anyone but themselves. The narcissist holds such malignant optimism in barely disguised contempt. To To him, it is a sign of weakness. It gives off the scent of prey. It is a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibili Gullibility ty,, selective blindness, malignant optimism –

these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal. Return

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self  Love - Narcissism Revisited" Click HERE Click HERE to buy the print edition from Barnes and Noble or HERE to buy it from Amazon Amazon Click HERE Click HERE to buy the print edition from the publisher and receive a BONUS PACK  Click HERE Click HERE to buy various electronic books (ebooks) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships Click HERE Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of eight electronic electronic books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships

THE AUTHOR 

Shmuel (Sam) Vaknin Curriculum Vitae

Born in 1961 in Qiryat-Yam, Israel. Served in the Israeli Defence Force (1979-1982) in training and education units. Education

Graduated a few semesters in the Technion – Israel Institute of Technology, Haifa. Ph.D. in Philosophy (major: Philosophy of Physics) – Pacific Western University, California, USA. Graduate of numerous courses in Finance Theory and International Trading. Certified E-Commerce Concepts Analyst by Brainbench Brainbench.. Certified in Psychological Counselling Techniques by Brainbench Brainbench.. Certified Financial Analyst by Brainbench Brainbench.. Full proficiency in Hebrew and in i n English. Business Experience 1980 to 1983

Founde Founderr and co-own co-owner er of a chain chain of comput computeri erized zed inform informati ation on kiosks in Tel-Aviv, Israel. 1982 to 1985

Senior positions with the Nessim D. Gaon Group of Companies in Geneva, Paris and New-York (NOGA and APROFIM SA): – Chief Analyst of Edible Commodities in the Group's Headquarters in Switzerland – Manager of the Research and Analysis Division – Manager of the Data Processing Processing Division – Project Manager of the Nigerian Computerized Census

– Vice President in charge of RND and Advanced Technologies – Vice President in charge of Sovereign Debt Financing 1985 to 1986

Represented Canadian Venture Capital Funds in Israel. 1986 to 1987 

Gene Genera rall Mana Managger of IPE Ltd. Ltd. in Lo Lon ndon. don. Th The e firm firm fina financ nce ed international multi-lateral countertrade and leasing transactions. 1988 to 1990

Co-f Co-fou ound nder er and Dire Direcctor tor of "M "Mik ikba bats ts-T -Te esu suah ah", ", a por portfo tfolio lio management managemen t firm fi rm based b ased in Tel-Aviv Tel-Aviv.. Activiti ities included large-scale portfol folio management, underwriting, forex trading and general financial advisory services. 1990 to Present

Freelance consultant to many of Israel's Blue-Chip firms, mainly on issues related to the capital markets in Israel, Canada, the UK and the USA. Consultant to foreign RND ventures and to governments on macroeconomic matters. Freelance journalist and analyst for various media in the USA. 1990 to 1995

Preside resident nt of the Israel Israel chapte chapterr of the Profess rofessors ors World orld Peace eace Acade cademy my (PWP (PWPA) A) and and (bri (brief efly ly)) Isra Israel el repr repres esen enta tati tive ve of the the "Washington Times". 1993 to 1994

Co-owner and Director of many business enterprises: – The Omega and Energy Air-Conditioning Concern – AVP Financial Consultants – Handiman Legal Services – Total annual turnover of the group: 10 million USD. Co-owner, Director and Finance Manager of COSTI Ltd. – Israel's largest largest computeriz computerized ed information information vendor vendor and developer developer.. Raised Raised funds through a series of private placements locally in the USA, Canada and London. 1993 to 1996

Publisher and Editor of a Capital Markets Newsletter distributed by subscription only to dozens of subscribers countrywide. In a legal precedent in 1995 – studied in business schools and law faculties across Israel – was tried for his role in an attempted takeover of Israel's Agriculture Agriculture Bank. Was interned in the State School of Prison Wardens.

Managed the Central School Library, Library, wrote, published and lectured on various occasions. Managed the Internet and International News Department of an Israeli mass media group, "Ha-Tikshoret and Namer". Assistant in the Law Faculty in Tel-Aviv University (to Prof. S.G. Shoham). 1996 to 1999

Financial consultant to leading businesses in Macedonia, Russia and the Czech Republic. Economic commentator in "No Nova va Ma Make kedo doni nija ja", ", "Dnevnik Dnevnik"", "Makedonija Denes", "Izvestia", "Argumenti i Fakti", "The Middle East Times", "The "The New Presence", Presence", "Central Europe Review", Review", and othe otherr peri period odic ical als, s, and and in the the ec econ onom omic ic prog progra rams ms on vari variou ouss channels of Macedonian Television. Chief Lecturer in Macedonia in courses organized by the Agency of Privatization, by the Stock Exchange, and by the Ministry of Trade. 1999 to 2002

Economic Advisor to the Government of the Republic of Macedonia and to the Ministry of Finance. 2001 to 2003

Senior Business Correspondent for United Press International (UPI). (UPI) . Web and Journalistic Activities Activities

Author of extensive Web sites in: – Psychology ("Malignant ("Malignant Self Love") Love") – An Open Directory Cool Site, Site, – Philosophy ("Philos ("Philosophical ophical Musings" Musings"), ), – Economics and Geopolitics ("World ("World in Conflict and Transition"). Transition"). Own wne er of the the Nar Narcis cissis sistic tic Abu Abuse se Stu Study dy Lis Listt and and the the Abusive Relationships Newsletter (more than 6000 members). Owner of the Economies in Conflict and Transition Study List, List , the Toxic Relationships Study List, List, and the Link and Factoid Study List. List. Editor of mental health disorders and Central and Eastern Europe categ categori ories es in variou variouss Web direc director tories ies (Open Dire Directory ctory,, Search Europe,, Mentalhelp.net Europe Mentalhelp.net). ). Editor of the Pe Persona rsonality lity Disor Disorders ders,, Narc Narcissis issistic tic Person ersonality ality Disorder,, the Ver Disorder erba ball an and d Em Emot otio iona nall Ab Abus use e, and the Spousal (Domestic) Abuse and Violence topics on Suite 101 and Bellaonline Bellaonline.. Columnist and commentator in "The New Presence", United Press Intern Int ernati ationa onall (UP (UPI) I),, Intern InternetC etCont ontent ent,, eBookW eBookWeb, eb, PopMatters PopMatters,, "Global Politician", Politician", eBookNet eBookNet,, and "Central "Central Europe Review eview". ". Publications and Awards

"Managing Investment Portfolios in States of Uncertainty", Limon Publishers, Tel-Aviv, 1988 "The Gambling Industry", Limon Publishers, Tel-Aviv, 1990 "Requesting My Loved One – Short Stories" Stories", Yedioth Aharonot, TelAviv, 1997 "The Suffering of Being Kafka" Kafka" (electronic book of Hebrew and English Short Fiction), Prague and Skopje, 1998-2004 "The Macedonian Economy at a Crossroads – On the Way to a Healthier Economy" (dialogues with Nikola Gruevski), Gruevski), Skopje, 1998 "The Expo Exporte rters' rs' Pock ocketb etbook ook", ", Minis inisttry of Trade, ade, Repu epublic blic of Macedonia, Skopje, 1999 "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited", Revisited", Narcissus Publications, Prague and Skopje, 1999-2007 The Narcissism Series (e-books regarding relationships with abusive narcissists), Skopje, 1999-2007 "After the Rain – How the West Lost the East ", Narci Narcissu ssuss Publicatio Publications ns in associat association ion with Central Europe Review/CEENMI, Review/CEENMI, Prague and Skopje, 2000 Winne innerr of nu nume mero rous us awar awards ds,, amon amongg them them Is Isra rael el's 's Co Coun unci cill of Culture and Art Prize for Maiden Prose (1997), The Rotary Club Award for Social Studies (1976), and the Bilateral Relations Studies Award of the American American Embassy in Israel (1978). Hundreds of professional articles in all fields of finances and the econo ec onomy my,, and num numero erous us articl articles es dealin dealingg with with geo geopol politi itical cal and poli politi tica call ec econ onom omic ic issu issues es publ publis ishe hed d in both both prin printt and and Web periodicals in many countries. Many any appe appea aran rance cess in the ele electro ctroni nicc me med dia on subj ubjec ectts in philosophy and the sciences, and concerning economic matters. Write to Me: [email protected] [email protected] My Web Sites:

Economy/Politics: http://ceeandbalkan.tripod.com/ Psychology: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ Philosophy: http://philosophos.tripod.com/ Poetry: http://samvak.tripod.com/contents.html Fiction: http://samvak.tripod.com/sipurim.html

 Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Bullied? Victimized?  Afraid? Confused? Need HELP? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Had a Narcissistic Parent? Parent? Married to a Narcissist – or Divorcing One? Afraid your children will turn out the same? Want to cope with this pernicious, baffling condition? OR Are You a Narcissist – or suspect that You are one… This book will teach you how to… Cope, Survive, and Protect Your Loved Ones! You should read…

"Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" The EIGHTH, REVISED PRINTING (January 2007) is now available! Seven additional e-books, All NEW Editions, JUST RELEASED!!!

Malignant Self Love, Toxic Relationships, Pathological Pathological Narcissism, Coping with w ith Divorce, The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace – and MORE!!! Click on this link to purchase the PRINT BOOK and/or the EIGHT E-BOOKS

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http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com http://www .narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html#affiliate /thebook.html#affiliate Sam Vaknin Vaknin published the EIGHTH, REVISED IMPRESSION of his book about relationships with abusive narcissists, "Malignant "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited". The book deals with the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its effects on the narcissist and his nearest and dearest – in 102 frequently asked questions and two essays – a total of 600 pages!

Print Edition from BARNES AND AND NOBLE and AMAZON AMAZON Barnes and Noble – "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" EIGHTH, Revised, Impression (January 2007)

ON SALE starting at $40.45 !!! INSTEAD OF the publisher's list price of $54.95 (including shipping and handling)!!! That's more than $14 off the publisher's list price!!!! Click on this link to purchase the paper edition: http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click http://barnesandnoble. bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847 ?ISBN=8023833847 "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" is now available from Amazon Canada – Click on this link: http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg/detail/offer-listing/ http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/tg /detail/offer-listing/-/8023833847/new/ And from Amazon.com – Click on this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t http://www .amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/80238338 g/detail/-/8023833847/ 47/ "After the Rain – How the West Lost the East" – Click on this link: http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink http://barnesandnoble .bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023851 /click?ISBN=802385173X 73X

Print Edition from the PUBLISHER  The previous revised impression of Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self – Love – Narcissism Revisited". Revisited". Come Comess with with an excl exclus usiv ive e BONU BONUSS PACK ACK (not (not avai availa labl ble e thro throug ugh h Barnes and Noble or Amazon). Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked questions and appendices regarding pathological narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder (NPD). The publisher charges the full list price – but throws into the bargain a bonus pack with hundreds of additional pages. Click on this link: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL

Free excerpts from the EIGHTH, Revised Impression of "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" are available as well as a free NEW EDITION of the Narcissism Book of Quotes Click on this link to download the files: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html "After the Rain – How the West Lost the East"

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Electronic Books (e-books) from the Publisher An electronic book is a computer file, sent to you as an attachment to an e-mail message. Just save it to your hard disk and click on the file to open, read, and learn!

1. "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" Eighth, Revised Edition (January 2007) The e-bo The e-book ok ve vers rsio ion n of Sam Sam Vakni aknin' n'ss "M "Mal alig igna nant nt Self Self – Lo Love ve – Narcissism Revisited". Contains the entire text: essays, frequently asked asked quest questions ions (FAQs (FAQs)) and append appendice icess regard regarding ing pathol pathologi ogical cal narcissism and the Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder (NPD). Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_MSL-EBOOK 2. "The Narcissism Series" Eighth, Revised Edition (January 2007) EIGHT e-books (more than 2500 pages), including the full text of "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited", regarding Pathological Narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists and psychopaths, and the Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder (NPD). Click on this link to purchase the EIGHT e-books: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_SERIES

3. "Toxic Relationships – Abuse and its Aftermath" Fourth Edition (February 2006) How to identify abuse, cope with it, survive it, and deal with your abuser and with the system in divorce and custody issues. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ABUSE 4. "The Narcissist and Psychopath in the Workplace" (September 2006) Identify abusers, bullies, and stalkers in the workplace (bosses, colleagues, suppliers, and authority figures) and learn how to cope with them effectively. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKPLACE 5. "Abusive Relationships Workbook" (February 2006) Self Self-a -ass sses essm smen entt ques questi tionn onnai aire res, s, tips tips,, and and test testss for for vict victim imss of abusers, batterers, and stalkers in various types of relationships. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_WORKBOOK 6. "Pathological Narcissism FAQs" Eighth, Revised Edition (January 2007) Doze Dozens ns of Freq Freque uent ntly ly As Aske ked d Ques Questi tions ons rega regard rdin ingg Patho atholo logi gica call Narc Narcis issi sism sm,, rela relati tion onsh ship ipss with with abus abusiv ive e narc narcis issi sist sts, s, and and the the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_FAQS 7. "The World of the Narcissist" Eighth, Revised Edition (January 2007) A book-l book-leng ength th psycho psychodyn dynami amicc study study of pathol pathologi ogical cal narci narcissi ssism, sm, rela relati tion onsh ship ipss with with abus abusiv ive e narc narcis issi sist sts, s, and and the the Narc Narcis issi sist stic ic Personality Disorder, using a new vocabulary. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ESSAY

8. "Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List" Hundreds of excerpts from the archives of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List regarding regarding Pathologica athologicall Narcissis Narcissism, m, relationsh relationships ips with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Personality Disorder (NPD). Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_EXCERPTS 9. "Diary of a Narcissist" (November 2005) The anatomy of one man's mental illness – its origins, its unfolding, its outcomes. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_JOURNAL 10."After the Rain – How the West Lost the East" The histor historyy, cul cultur tures, es, societ societies ies,, and econom economies ies of countr countries ies in transition in the Balkans. Click on this link to purchase the e-book: http://www.ccnow.com/cgi-local/cart.cgi?vaksam_ATR-EBOOK

Download Free Electronic Books

Click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html

More about the Books and Additional Resources The Eighth, Revised Impression (January 2007) of the Print Edition of "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" includes: • The full text of "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited" Revisited" • The full text of 102 Frequently Asked Questions and A Answers nswers •Covering all the dimensions of Pathological Narcissism and Abuse in Relationships Relationships • An Essay – The Narcissist's Narcissist's point of view • Bibliography •600 printed pages in a quality paper book

• Digi Digita tall Bonu Bonuss Pack ck!! (ava (avail ilab able le on only ly wh when en you you purc purcha hase se the the previo previous us editio edition n from from the Publis Publisher her)) – Biblio Bibliogra graphy phy,, three three ebooks books,, addi additi tion onal al FAQs, AQs, appe append ndic ices es and and more more – hu hund ndre reds ds of additional pages!

Testimonials and Additional Resources

You can read Readers' Reviews at the Barnes and Noble Web page dedicated to "Malignant Self Love" – HERE: http://barnesandnoble.bfast.com/booklink/click http://barnesandnoble. bfast.com/booklink/click?ISBN=8023833847 ?ISBN=8023833847 Dozens of Links and Resources

Click on these links: The Narcissistic Abuse Study List http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse The Toxic Relationships Study List http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships Abusive Relationships Newsletter http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse Participate in Discussions about Abusive Relationships

http://personalitydisorders.suite101.co http://personalit ydisorders.suite101.com/discussions.cfm m/discussions.cfm http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Narc http://groups.y ahoo.com/group/Narcissistic_P issistic_Personality_Disorder ersonality_Disorder http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPE http://groups.ms n.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER RSONALITYDISORDER Links inks to Ther Therap apis istt Dire Direct ctor orie ies, s, Psyc Psycho holo logi gica call Tests ests,, NPD NPD Resource Resources, s, Support Support Groups Groups for Narcissis Narcissists ts and Their Victim Victims, s, and Tutorials

http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/npd Support Groups for Victims of Narcissists and Narcissists http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Personality/Narcissistic

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html

BE WELL, SAFE AND WARM WHEREVER YOU ARE! Sam Vaknin

Malignant Self Love  Narcissism Revisited The Book "Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed  aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a result, they are paranoid, aggressive, haughty and erratic. Narcissists are  forever in pursuit of Narcissistic Supply. Supply. They know no past or future, are not constrained by any  behavioural consistency, consistency, 'rules' of conduct or moral considerations. You You signal to a narcissist that you y ou are a willing source – and he is bound to extract his supply from you. This is a reflex. He would have reacted absolutely the same to any other  source. If what is needed to obtain supply from you is intimations of intimacy – he will supply them liberally."  liberally." 

This book is comprised of two parts. The first part contains 102 Frequently Asked Questions related to the various aspects of pathological narcissism, relationships with abusive narcissists, and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The second part is an exposition of the various psychodynamic theories regarding pathological narcissism and a proposed new vocabulary.

The Author

Sam Vaknin Vaknin was born in Israel in 1961. A financial consultant and columnist, he lived (and published) in 12 countries. He is a published and awarded author of short fiction and reference and an editor of mental health categories in various Web Web directories. This is his twelfth book.