HELPING YOU HEAL YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE INSIDE OUT
WWW.LovingYourRelationship.com
DISCLAIMER ................................................................................ 2 CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION .................................................... 3 CHAPTER 2: THIRTY YEARS LEARNING TO LOVE ................. 4 CHAPTER 3: THE ULTIMATE SPIRITUAL PATH........................ 6 CHAPTER 4: DEPENDENCE RELATIONSHIP ........................... 8 CHAPTER 5: 50/50 RELATIONSHIP ......................................... 10 CHAPTER 6: INTIMATE COMMUNION ..................................... 12 CHAPTER 7: TWO VIEWS OF RELATIONSHIP ....................... 14 CHAPTER 8: TW O TYPES OF T HERAPY................. ................ 16 CHAPTER 9: INTEGRATING STAGES INTO TREATMENT ..... 18 CHAPTER 10: TREATMENT IS DYNAMIC ................................ 20 CHAPTER 11: NEGOTIATING NEGOT IATING TRANSITIONS ................ .......... 22 CHAPTER 12: W HAT STOPS US FROM LOVING? ................. . 24 CHAPTER 13: RELATIONSHIP DRIVERS ................................ 26 CHAPTER 14: ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCE ........................ 28 CHAPTER 15: ATTENTION IS IMPORTANT ............................. 30 CHAPTER 16: SWAY TEST ....................................................... 32 CHAPTER 17: CHECKING SELF CONCEPT/SELF ESTEEM .. 34 CHAPTER 18: CHECKING SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS ............. 36 CHAPTER 19: COMMITTED PARTNERSHIPS ......................... 38
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This booklet is presented for educational and research purposes. It is not intended to replace medical care. There is no guarantee that these approaches will perform as discussed. Negative side effects of these treatments are not documented. However, there is no assurance that there will be no negative side effects for your patients. Any consequences of the use of these techniques are the responsibility of the individual. individual . The procedures presented are not intended to diagnose, treat or prevent any disease.
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What follows in this booklet is derived from a training Pam and I did at the Imago Institute in New York City in 2012. At this advanced training for therapists we demonstrated our approach to working with couples that does not depend on diagnosing dysfunction, setting rules or deciding who is right and who wrong. Instead, our approach is centered in the understanding that it is our own judgments, trauma, limiting beliefs and negative feelings that are interfering with the natural expression of love and intimacy. The therapists at Imago were particularly well suited to understand this point. Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt began Imago in 1980, with the understanding that much of the frustration that develops in our adult relationships have their roots in early childhood. This presentation is designed to help you understand what this means for your relationship and introduce you to the possibility that by healing trauma, judgment, limiting feelings and beliefs, it is possible to obtain a level of freedom and intimacy in relationship that you might not have even thought possible. The specific steps to healing trauma and limiting feelings and beliefs is beyond the scope of this booklet but can easily be found on our website at www.AskandReceive.org.
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Relationships are not easy. In fact, they are the hardest thing any of us will ever do. For Pam and me, our relationship almost ended before it began. When my wife Pam and I were married almost 30 years ago, we were under a great deal of stress. We had moved, gotten new jobs, gotten married and made a number of other changes as well, and we knew we needed help. As young therapists ourselves we asked around and found the “best” couples therapist around and drove an hour up to see her every week. On our trip up to see her we would be happy and getting along.
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Then we would meet with her for an hour and fight the whole way home. As this repeated week after week we started to pull away from each other until one week the therapist told us that we should get divorced. She felt that our differences were too much and that we should divorce now and find other partners. Luckily, even though we were just beginner therapists, we knew that there was something wrong with that advice. It felt wrong for a therapist to be making the decision about the future of our relationship. It felt wrong to focus so painfully on what was making us unhappy. And we were smart enough to know that if we abandoned each other we would both carry that scar for the rest of our lives. As a result we started looking for another way to heal, and what we found turns traditional couple’s therapy on its head. What we found doesn’t focus on what is not working. It doesn’t involve making deals. It doesn’t even involve changing our partner. In fact, what we found turns couple’s therapy into the most powerful tool for personal healing yet discovered!
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When two people fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together they are making an incredible leap of faith. They are choosing love over fear and commitment over selfishness, and doing it “for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do they part.” Is it any wonder that so many relationships fall apart? It is hard to stick to these lofty goals when the children are screaming, you are unemployed and the mortgage has to be paid. This is why we consider relationship to be the ultimate spiritual path. It forces us to do battle with our selfish nature on a regular basis. Whatever issues we
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have will come up in the context of the relationship and will act as a lever to separate us, both from each other and from our loving nature. It is this separation from our loving nature that is of primary importance. It is this separation that leads to our experience of pain and upset. In the context of relationship though, it is so easy to blame this separation on our partner and convince ourselves that if we can only control (or get rid of) our partner, then we will be happy. It is this misperception that leads to most conflict in relationship and virtually all divorce. It is an easy mistake to make, and one that all of us make over and over again. If a relationship is to ripen and mature there has to be a gradual evolution as we shift from an external focus on changing our partner to an internal one focusing on healing ourselves. It is this crisis which is the opportunity for a couple’s evolution. We refer to this as a spiritual evolution because it is a developmental process leading us away from our frightened ego defined childish views to a deeper, wiser more loving and open understanding. While all of us will resist this evolution (because it can be painful), it is one that leads not only to improved relationships, but to a quieter and more loving mind.
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David Deida has written and spoken about the spiritual and developmental nature of relationships and sexuality for years, and he believes that there are basically three types of relationship. We think this is important because the different forms of relationship often require different types of coaching. Also, often when someone presents for help, they are trying to negotiate a shift from a lower level of relationship to a higher one. Mr. Deida believes that for almost all of human history there was pretty much only what he calls the Level 1 relationship. This is a relationship based on dependence
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between the members. Think of an arranged marriage or a marriage based on very distinct roles (e.g. the man hunts or works while the woman cares for the children and the home). This is a very stable form of relationship. Divorce is unusual because each member needs the other to perform his or her role. Love and intimacy are not necessary to a relationship such as this, and while there can be a good deal of passion, this can also involve a good deal of fighting and abuse. Level 1 relationships are still the norm, both in the United States but especially in areas where there are limited social resources. According to Mr. Deida, it really wasn’t until the 1960’s that a new form of relationship evolved. The reason this happened had to do with increasing social resources but also because of an arising need within some of these relationships for more flexible roles and a greater sense of equality and possibility. While this was driven largely by women wanting more from their relationship, many men also realized that this new way of relating brought them many benefits as well.
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The level 2 relationship is what we now think of as the “modern” style. It involves a more or less equally shared relationship in which two independent people come together to share in the tasks of partnership. Instead of each member shouldering his or her distinct role, responsibilities are divided so that there is a more or less equal distribution of work. In this form of relationship it is common for both partners to work, to perform childcare and household chores. This is very different than the Level 1 relationship and it brings a great deal more equality and freedom into the relationship but it does so at the risk of turning the
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relationship into more of a business partnership, of losing the aliveness that might have existed in the level 1 relationship. Because each member of this relationship is more independent, these relationships are dramatically less stable and more prone to divorce. If we don’t have to stay together for survival, many people will decide to leave in hopes of creating “something better” with someone else.
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Deida’s third level of relationship is “Intimate Communion”. This is a level of relationship that is only just now starting to manifest in the world. It is a level of relationship that can only be consistently practiced by people who are willing and able to take full responsibility for their lives, their feelings, their judgments and their actions. It is a form of relationship that is entirely voluntary, not based on survival needs or a desire for help doing chores. It involves the moment to moment
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willingness to choose to be open and alive within the relationship, to share oneself fully and to practice, practice, practice. There are many couples who are starting to feel the limits of their 50/50 Relationship and want more. They yearn to be more fully themselves within their relationship and to be fully seen, while at the same time, fully see and accept their partner. As wonderful as it sounds, this is the least stable of all the relationship forms since it is entirely voluntary. Also, since true intimacy is so frightening, it takes great maturity to not run and hide when our fears or insecurities start to come out. For those who can do it though, this is where the juice is. This is where passion, intimacy, acceptance and freedom lie, but it can only be had for those who are willing to risk losing it all to obtain. Because of the nature of our work, Pam and I find ourselves almost exclusively working with clients who (whether they know it or not) yearn for this level of relationship.
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Having seen the three levels, it becomes easy to see that there are really two different ways of looking at relationship. Depending on which of these views you hold to really determines what your relationship looks like as well as what form of coaching is most likely to benefit you. We call the first view Traditional because it has been around the longest. It sees love as something separate from the lover. In this view, love is something that happens to you. It is something that comes from outside of you and is as delicate as a butterfly, likely to take flight if someone makes a wrong move or a loud noise. And,
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once it is gone, it may never come back. Once the infatuation period in the relationship has ended, judgments begin to emerge about your partner. The Traditional relationship will try to “change” the other or try to “make a deal” or compromise with the partner. On the other hand, what we call the Evolved view sees love as something innate. The state of love belongs within you. It can be triggered by your partner, your child, a beautiful sunset, but it lives within you. As a result, your experience of love depends on you. Each partner is responsible for his or her own happiness, pleasure and satisfaction. When there is an interruption in the flow of loving connection then, it can be found again within you once you have released whatever fear, judgment, trauma or limiting belief might be interfering. Couples who are willing to embrace the Evolved view have so much added power for transforming their relationships for the good because it brings home the transformative power to each member of the couple.
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So there are two types of treatment for the two views of relationship, the Traditional and the Evolved. Traditional treatment tends to involve a great deal of discussion of resentments, disappointments and problems, expression of negative emotions and there is a strong focus on compromise. This is the sort of therapy Pam and I received as newly minted therapists. Because even at that time we were struggling toward an Evolved perspective, the Traditional approach didn’t work for us. In the Evolved approach treatment always begins with a strong, positive mutual
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intention (e.g. “We want to share our lives joyfully with each other”). And then each member of the couple “owns” whatever comes up to block them from realizing that intention in every moment. If you think it, it’s yours. If you feel it, it’s yours. This is practically the opposite of the Traditional response. What makes the Evolved treatment possible are new techniques for shifting and releasing trauma, limiting beliefs and negative feelings. There are many of these new techniques that are finding support now in the world of psychotherapy, but few people have started applying them to healing relationships. This is one of the major ways that we have contributed to the field of couple’s coaching. When we are working with a couple, we always teach them several ways of healing their own negative feelings, thoughts and judgment. Releasing Through Love and Ask and Receive are two powerful techniques that we have developed to specifically target these issues and release them. Once released, it is amazing to see how relationships can be rapidly and powerfully transformed! To learn more about these techniques, please come to www.AskandReceive.org . With our friend and co-developer, Sandi Radomski, we have created powerful tools for shifting not just emotional issues but almost any kind of chronic problem.
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Since this presentation was developed to train Couple’s Therapists, this slide demonstrates the importance of directing treatment at each stage of relationship. While we discuss the stages as discrete levels, the truth is that most of us have parts of all three forms in our current relationship. As a result, especially in the beginning of a coaching relationship it can be useful to make sure that issues of safety, power and role dynamics are looked at and goals and structure are built in where needed in order to help people get on with the job of evolving their relationship to the highest level they may desire.
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We do not mean to suggest that higher levels of relationship are “better” than lower ones. The designation of higher and lower was made by Deida to mark the level of complexity within each. There are happily married people at each level of relationship, so we don’t want to imply that everyone should strive for a level 3 relationship. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, or “first do no harm” are good precepts for any kind of coaching. It is not a matter of moving people along to level 3 relationships no matter what. What is important is to help couples derive happiness from the relationship they have. Of course, having said that, many couples do choose to progress to higher level relationships once they discover that such things are possible.
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As we work with a couple we find that they move between all three stages. For example their household management may be at level 1 with very distinct roles and expectations about what is the man’s responsibility and what the woman’s, while their work lives are at level 2 in which they each have their own money and are responsible for different parts of the budget. And perhaps their relationship with their sexuality is at level 3 in which they take responsibility for their own feelings, needs and satisfaction, and they work at not projecting judgment or blame. This sort of relationship is common and often there is a good deal of shifting as the
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couple discovers what is best for them at this time.
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Often coaching starts with one member trying to negotiate a transition from a lower stage. Very often this will be driven by the female partner (though not always) who has become dissatisfied at the current level and wants more. This often provokes anger and confusion in the other partner who is still unaware that more is possible. That partner might say “I am the same man you married.”, “I do the same things I always did”, or “Why can’t you go back to the way you used to be?” When one member of the couple is ready to move up to the next level, it can be
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very hard for the one who feels left behind. The result is that that member will often regress as an attempt to regain some control, coming up with rules, agreements or in some cases becoming explosive, violent or withdraw. In these situations, both members are acting out of love and a desire to strengthen the relationship, but because they are focused on a different stage, their efforts are misperceived.
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There is a secret revolution going on now in psychotherapy in which those therapists who are in the trenches working with people day in and day out are starting to use some amazing new techniques for treating trauma. The revolution is a secret because insurance companies and licensing boards are very strict in what they will consider for reimbursement. If a technique or treatment doesn’t contain the word “Behavioral” it won’t be paid for. Even though many of these new treatments such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) have been around for years and have significant positive research behind them, they are still not considered “evidence based” by many insurance companies. This
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movement toward trauma treatment is therefore done under the radar of the insurance companies and is part of the reason so many honest therapists have left the field and redefined themselves as coaches. These techniques are the missing link when helping people who are at a higher level of functioning. What is the point of recognizing that you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts if you can’t do anything to change them. This is where these new trauma treatments are proving so useful. With these simple techniques, many people find that feelings, thoughts and judgments that have plagued them for years can be released in moments. What we are discovering is that all of us have trauma in our lives and that trauma shapes our perceptions, thoughts and feelings. It is as though when a person is exposed to a trauma it locks a negative thought and feeling into a person’s psyche and then locks it away so the person can deal with the traumatic situation. In locking the thought and feeling away though it turns it into a filter that then influences how a person thinks and perceives from then on and the embedded feelings can be triggered later in their lives by unexpected stimuli. Tom and Pam have studied many of these techniques and train therapists both naturally and internationally in Releasing Through Love and Ask and Receive . We feel that these two techniques are particularly good at helping people to release the judgments, limiting beliefs and feelings of unforgiveness that really block our loving natures.
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Much of the time when we first meet with a couple their relationship is challenged. The members of the couple have become polarized and there is a good deal of arguing, with each member insisting on the correctness of their view. There is a great deal of blaming and everyone is very focused on what is going wrong. This perspective does not lend itself to positive change. Since what you focus on gets stronger, this perspective only builds more polarization. When we begin coaching with a couple we quickly want to shift to a more
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successful perspective. In the successful perspective, there is a mutual intention of support, joy and love in the relationship. The focus is on developing appreciation, gratitude and what is going well. Most couples can manage this change in perspective at least briefly, and notice a big shift in how their bodies feel and even a shift in their thinking. Once someone can access this perspective the challenge is to find and release thoughts, feelings, trauma, judgment and unforgiveness that act as triggers to pull the person out of this state. Much of our focus is on helping each member to hold on to this positive perspective so that it can feed back on itself and develop.
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Looking more deeply into the real drivers of relationship problems we find that most of them did not begin in the current relationship. The seeds of our relationship problems existed long before. A well accepted principle of couple’s treatment derives from Attachment Therapy and looks at distortion in the attachment between parent and child. Incomplete or problematic attachment can lead to problems with intimacy and trust that can distort any relationship to some degree. The problem is that all of us have some attachment disturbance. We cannot escape childhood without some, even if we had the best
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parents in the world. The good news is that what causes attachment problems are the same things that block feelings of love: trauma, limiting beliefs, judgment and negative feelings. The new techniques for resolving trauma can be used as successfully for these early attachment wounds as for more recent issues if you are working with a coach who is well versed in their use.
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Childhood attachment issues are not all the same. Parents often say that they treated all their children the same way but they turn out very different. Part of the reason for this is that we each have a different nature, and the timing of the attachment wound can result in very different learning. Also, as a child ages he or she is moving through a developmental process that can also change the meaning of a wound. For example, if a parent leaves a family, even just for a few days, it can be interpreted very differently depending on the developmental level of the child. A very young infant might experience extreme abandonment and feel that the world is a dangerous and
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uncaring place, a young child might think that he did something to make the parent go away and feel that there is something wrong with himself, or an older child might be angry that the parent went away. Depending on the developmental level and other fairly random factors, these attachment wounds act to distort our understanding of intimacy and our willingness to be vulnerable. It is through relationship that we experience these hurt places in ourselves which then allows us to heal them. All we have to do is understand that these thought/feelings are within us and that we can learn to use tools to release them. Once released, what we experience is much greater freedom and happiness in our intimate relationships. Those upsetting incidents that seemed to occur with frustrating frequency before will dramatically reduce or even stop all together.
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One simple experiment that we can do to help us find some of our attachment issues is to learn to communicate with our bodies. Our bodies are always trying to communicate with us but we have never learned to listen. The feelings, thoughts and reactions within the body provide all the information we really need to begin to heal if we can only start to listen and understand better. A simple exercise for tuning into the body is something our partner Sandi Radomski, ND, LCSW, calls the Sway Test. All you need to do to try this out is to stand up with your feet together, your arms crossed in front of your chest, and your
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eyes closed. Then you make a statement such as “Yes”, and simply stand there and notice the reaction of your body. Does your body sway forward? If so, it is answering “yes” or “I am congruent with that statement”. Does it sway backward? If so, it is answering “no” or “I am not congruent with that statement”. For almost everyone “yes” is signaled by swaying forward and “no” is signaled by swaying backward. Test this out first with things you already know the answer to. Say “my name is (say your name)” and notice if you sway forward. Then say “my name is (say a different name)” and notice if you sway backward. For some people the reactions of their bodies are very dramatic and distinct, for others it is very subtle and takes some time to really calibrate. This is really worth your time because coupled with a powerful technique such as Ask and Receive or Releasing Through Love , it allows you to start repairing those early attachment issues.
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As a little test of concept, here is a list of self concept/self esteem statements that you can now use along with the Sway Test to check for early attachment issues. When you do the Sway Test notice if you sway forward or backward when you make the statements. If you find yourself swaying backwards to a statement such as “I like myself”, don’t blame or argue with yourself. It doesn’t mean that you hate yoursel f or that you are psychologically disturbed. It means that the statement is not congruent for you at this time and it presents an area for potential healing. If you go through all of these statements and they are all positive, think about a
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situation that is not working out so well and do the statements again. Sometimes it can be a bit complicated to find these unhealed aspects because they are hidden by dissociation.
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Now if you wish, you can use the Sway Test to check for your congruence with a list of statements regarding social relationships. As with the self esteem statements, you might find that you get a different response depending upon what areas of your life you are thinking about. Many people who are sensitive to their inner process may notice that they don’t even really need to do the Sway Test, that they get other forms of body focused communication when they make the statement. They might feel a twinge in their heart or solar plexus area, or a voice in their head may say “that’s not true!” or the
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statement may just not feel true when you say it. These are all interesting and useful forms of communication. If you notice that one or more statements do not appear true for you (at least in certain contexts), don’t worry about it or try to argue yourself out of it. Neither of these reactions will change your result. Instead, you can use one of the new Power Therapies to release the reaction. It is often quite surprising how releasing these issues creates change in your life.
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Having come this far, her are 16 more statements having to do with committed partnerships. You can check them out in the same way you did the earlier belief statements. Again, remember if you find one (or several) statements that are not congruent for you, you can easily release them with one of the Power Therapies. If you are interested in finding ways to release limiting beliefs, trauma or negative feelings we recommend that you find a coach to help you though because it can be hard to find and treat your own limiting beliefs. However if cost is an issue for you, we have created quite a bit of training material that is available at AskandReceive.org .
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For more ideas and special offers, look at our relationship packages below.
Apply for a FREE 30 Minute Discovery Session Pam is offering COMPLEMENTARY Tr an s f o r m Y o u r R el at i o n s h i p D is c o v e r y (Value@over $100). Sessions There are 3 different Discovery Sessions you can choose from: 1) Transform your Relationship Discovery Session 2) Transform you Relationship with Yourself Discovery Session or 3) Bringing in a Beloved Partner Discovery Session In these Discovery Sessions, Pam will walk you through: Discovering what is unconsciously sabotaging you from having the relationship of your heart ’s desire. • Getting clarity about what you want in a relationship. One simple steep you can take immediately to get into • action. (For more information just click one of the 3 sessions above) •
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