THE FACE BEFORE I WAS BORN A Spiritual Autobiography
LLEWE LL EWELL LLY Y N VAUGHAN-LE AUGHAN-LEE E
TH T H E FACE BEFORE I WAS BORN A Spi r i t ua uall A ut uto obiog iogrr aphy
TH T HE FA CE BEFOR ORE E I WA S BORN
A Spi r i t ua uall A ut uto obi ogr aphy
LLEWELLYN VAUGHAN-LEE THE T HE GOLDEN GOLDEN SUFI CENT ER
Fi rs rstt publi pub li shed i n the U ni ted State States s i n 1998 1998 by T he G olden Sufi C ent nte er P .O . B ox 428, I nve nverne rnes ss, C aliforni a 94 94937 © 1998 by T he G olden Sufi Sufi C ente nterr A ll ri ghts res reserved. erved. N o part p art of thi s book may be re reproduc produced ed or uti uti li ze zed d in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the Publisher.
C over I llus llustra tratio tion n by T en ennes ness see D i x on Pri nt nte ed and and bound bound by M cN au aug ght hton on & G unn unn,, I nc nc..
Li brary of C ongre ongres ss C at ataloging aloging i n Publi P ubli cat atii on D at ata a V augha aughann-Lee Lee,, Llewell Llewelly yn T he Fa Fac ce Before Before I W as B orn: A Spi ri ritu tual al A ut utobi obi ogr ography aphy 1. Spiritual life 2. D re reams ams— — R eli eligio gious us as aspec pects ts 3. Sufism Li brary of C ongres ongress s C atalog C ard N um umber: ber: 96 96--08 080 044 442 2 I SB SBN N 00-963 963457 45744-99-7 7
CONTENTS XI XI I I
3
FOREW ORD I N T RODU C T I ON AWAKENING
27
MEETING T MEETING THE HE T TEA EACH CH ER
52
MADNESS A N D BLISS
81
ROMANTIC LOVE
116
LIFE A S A HOUSEHOLDER
149
TH T H E ARCHETYPAL WORLD
189
DREAMWORK A N D T THE HE GROUP
226
ON T THE HE ROAD
261
COMING HOME
299 303 309
APPENDIX NOTES ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
H e who was lost has comeH ome.
Introduction
FOREWORD Every journey great or small begins with the first step, says a Chinese proverb. What leads the human being to mak e thi this s i nner j ourney i n order to reali reali ze the T ruth? “ T rut ruth h is i s G od, od,”” said M ah ahat atma ma G an andhi dhi.. Sufi Sufis s conc once ei ve G od as “ U ltim ate R eali alitty, ” “ i n whi ch ever every yth thii ng i s an and d nothing is outside it.” Each Eac h person person wi w i ll fi nd hi s or her indi i ndi vi dual way an and d attract the circumstances for the inner development, which is very personal, very lonely, and absolutely uni que. T her here e wi ll be si si gnpos gnposts ts along the way way,, but one must be ever alert to read the directions. I n each each of o f us u s there is i s a strange strange and my m ysteri teriou ous s longing, a faint echo. We hear it and hear it not, and som omet etii m es the w hol hole e li fe can can pass pass w i thout us k now i ng w hat thi thi s call i s. I as askk ed one of m y te teac acher’s her’s di sci pl ples es to translate translate a Pers P ersii an song, song, and i t went li k e thi thi s: I am calli calli ng to to you you from afa afarr Since aeons of time, Calling, calling, since always. “ I can’t he hear ar”” — so you you say say “ W ho i s calli ng and why wh y?”
Sometimes a very young child begins to ask questi ques tions ons about the meani ng of li l i fe and the pu purpo rpos se of cre reat atii on: “ W ho i s G od?H ow di d the the wo world rld com come e about about? ? W hy am am I here here? ?” P arent arents s be car efu l . D on’ t ans answ w er thes these e questi ques tions ons gli bl bly y or fac f acet etii ous ously. ly. I t may be, be, j us ustt maybe, maybe, the fi rs rstt si si gnpo gnpos st. T he fi rs rstt step step leadi l eading ng us m uc uch h late l aterr to the great inner journey.
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The Face Be Befor for e I W a s Bor n
Llewell yn came Llewelly came to to our group very young. I thi think nk he was ni ne nete tee en. H e ar arri ri ved wounded wounded by li fe fe.. H i s w i ngs w ere cli pp ed. H ad hi s li fe much much meani ng? I don’ do n’ t think thi nk so. B ut he sta tay yed and gre grew. w. H e medita medi tate ted. d. H e work ed upon hi hi ms mse elf. H e wat watc che hed, d, w i lli ng to surrender to to hi s ow own n Li ght. H e persevere persevered. d. I t i s no nott easy easy to to und unders erstand tand that the purp p urpos ose e of spi ri tua tuall traini trai ni ng is i s to help the human being bei ng to to control, control, to dimi di mi ni sh the the ego. O ur te teac ache her, r, B hai Sahi Sahi b, sai aid, d, “ T wo cann annot ot live li ve in i n one he hear art. t. M ak e yours ourse elf empty; empty; w hen your your cup cup i s empty som somet ethi hi ng els else e can can fi ll i t.” B ut the tami tami ng of the ego ego i s a pai nful pro proc ces ess s. I t is is a cruc rucii fi x i on. O ne does not lose lose any anythi thing ng.. “ Y ou cann cannot ot become anything else but what you already are,” said Carl Jung. We just learn to control our lower self and i t becom becomes es our servant, not our o ur mas m aste ter. r. T he maste masterr i s the R ea eall U s, our soul soul,, and the rea reall wi w i sdom i s i i n the soul soul.. Llewel Ll ewellyn lyn caught the meani m eaning, ng, the subtl subtle e ess essenc ence e of the spi spi ri tua tuall tra traii ni ng. H e unders understood tood the pres pressi ng urge, that Something within the human heart, which drives the human being mercilessly on and on, no matter the sacrifice, sometimes with superhuman effort, fo rt, at leas leastt to try to reac reach the ulti m ate G oal oal.. M ay our revered revered T ea eac cher’s bles bless si ng be wi th hi m always, and may my love be his companion on the way. I ri na T wee weedi di e, London, Lo ndon, June 19891
xi i
Introduction
INTRODUCTION
D on ’t be sa satt isf ied w it ith h st or ories ies,, ho how w t hin gs have gone gone w ith other others. s. U nf ol old d you y ou r ow n m y t h, w it itho hou u t co com m pli plica catt ed ex pl plan an at ion , so everyon e w il illl un ders derstan tan d the passage, passage,
W e have ope open ned you. Rûmî 1
W hen I vi si te ted d my m y te teac acher her i n the late sum summ m er of 1995, she tol told d me m e that that I shou hould ld w ri te and lecture lecture more mo re abo about ut m y ow own n personal personal spi spi ri tua tuall experi ex perienc ences es.. U nti ntill then I had been been relucta reluctant nt to talk talk too muc m uch h about my m y exp experi eri-ences, fearing that the ego might get hold of them. But as her tea teac cher sai said d to her, “ O rders are ord orders ers,, ” and thi s book bo ok i s a di rec rectt result result of o f her i ns nstruc tructi tions ons.. I w as si x te teen en when the the path path was w as awak ene ened d wi w i thi thin n me, when the the long journey journey H om ome e be bega gan. n. O ver the yea ears rs I have record recorded ed a few i m po portant rtant dreams dreams and vi si ons ons,, but I have ne never ver k ept a diar di ary y or journa j ournal, l, becaus bec ause e I lo loved ved the i nvi si ble, hi dden nature nature of the path. T hi s story of m y j ourn ourney ey com omes es fro from m m emo emory ry,, from how I see the the pat path h as i t unfolded unfolded wi thi thin n me. B ut spiritual experiences carry an intensity that impacts them into consciousness, and because they do not belong to the m i nd or the pers personali onali ty ty,, the they y k ee eep p the theii r ori gi ginal nal quali ty ty.. A ls lso, o, m any exp exper erii enc ences es nee need d tim ti m e to reveal their real significance, to bring into consciousnes ne ss the de depth pth of thei thei r me m ean anii ng ng.. O nly now do I be begi gin n to apprec app recii ate m any of the ex ex peri enc ences es I have been given over the years.
xiii
The Face Be Befor for e I W a s Bor n
T he spi spi ri tua tuall pat p ath h i s uni que for eac each h of us; us; i n the w ord ords s of a Sufi say ayii ng, “ T here are as m any w ay ays s to G od as human beings, as many as the breaths of the chi ldren of men.” m en.” T hi s story i s how the path unfolded within me, the outline of a transformation whose real nature can never never be put into i nto word w ords s. M any thi ngs have been omitted, because they have been forgotten or are too pers p ersonal. onal. A ls lso, o, on the Sufi Sufi path mos mo st of the transformation happens beyond the threshold of consciousness, deep in the unconscious and on the level of the soul. But what has always remained is the i ntens ntensii ty ty,, w ond onder, er, and majes m ajesty ty of thi this s soul oul’’ s j ourn ourney ey,, of the way my heart was opened. W he hen n I fi rs rstt came came upon upon the path path,, all I k ne new w was my need, nee d, a hunger hunger that dro drove ve me. m e. I t was a long and arduous journey which strained every fiber of my being. bei ng. I have tried tri ed to recapture recapture the the rawness rawness, the i ntens ntensii ty ty,, the des desol olati ation, on, and the fragi fragilili ty of thos tho se early early years on the path, the sens sense e of a li fe that was w as fragm fragmenentary ta ry,, wi thout any hi nt of wholene who lenes ss, i n whi ch I was held togethe togetherr only by wi ll po power wer and an an i nborn desi desi re for truth. truth. B ut it i t is i s di ffi cult to to fully full y re rec call what it i t was li k e before love lov e was pres present ent,, before H i s com ompani pani ons onshi hi p replaced replac ed the the deep deep loneli nes ness s. N ow I have drunk the wi ne for whi ch I longe longed. d. I ha have ve been been opene opened d to the the beyond and li fe has begun to sho show w i ts deeper purp p urpos ose. e. Forr so Fo so m any years years there was on only ly a dream haunti ng me, m e, an inner conviction that called me. O ne of the m any m i rac racles les of the path path i s tha thatt it i t is is alway alw ays s j us ustt begi begi nni ng; the hori zon i s alw alway ays s bec beckk oni ng ng.. T he Sufi D hûhû-ll-N N ûn once once as askk ed a wo woman man whom he m et on the seas seasho hore, re, “ W hat is i s the end end of o f lov l ove? e?” She repli ed, “ Lo Love ve has no end, bec becaus ause e the the Belov B eloved ed has no end.”” Y et on thi s endles end. endless s j ourn ourney ey there com omes es a tim ti m e w hen the the wayfare wayfarerr has com ome e H om ome, e, “ bac backk to the
xi v
Introduction
dw elli ng place dwelli place of hi s des desii res res.. ” T hrough the gui guidanc dance e of m y te teac acher her and the grac grace e of my m y Shei heikk h I have been allowed allo wed to tas taste the fee feelili ng of com comii ng H om ome, e, the k nowi ng tha hatt I am wher where e I be belong long.. T he spar parkk tha hatt was planted within my heart has burnt away many of the veils between the two worlds, revealing much that w as hi dden. I have been been ta takk en bey beyond ond the boundaries boundari es of the k now nown n i nto the spi nni ng cent center er of m y ow own n self, self, and then then further, further, i nto the unk now nown n empti nes ness s tha thatt is is the rea reall hom ho m e of the mys mysti tic c. M y hea heart rt is i s fi ll lled ed wi th gratitude for all those who have gone before, and whose footsteps have guided me. For my teacher and m y Shei k h there are are no wor w ords ds to expr ex pres ess s m y feeli ngs ngs,, j jus ustt an ec echo ho of an anc ancii ent song of belo belongi nging. ng. I n the circle of oneness the heart melts and everything is made empty.
xv
Awakening
PA RT 1
H e t ra ravv el elss w it ith h w h o ev er lo loo o k s f o r H im , and hav in g tak en t he seeker seeker by the han d, H e ar arou ou se sess h im t o go in se sea a rc rch h o f h im se self lf.. A ll-A A nsârî
1
Awakening
AWAKENING The lon ge gesst j ou r n ey begin begin s w i th a si si n gle ste tep. p. Lao T su
AWAKEN AKENII N G T O WI W I L D GEES GEESE E
M y jo journe urney y H om ome e bega began n i n the London undergr underground. ound. I n the summ summ er when I w as si x te teen en I w as tra traveli veli ng back back from boardi boarding ng sc school for a week week end break break wi th an an A m er erii can stude student nt who w as as,, for a short short tim ti m e, a boyfriend of my sister. Sitting in the half-crowded tube trai tr ain, n, I noti notic ced that that he was re readi ading ng a book on Z en B uddhi uddhis sm. A t thi thi s ti time me i n the lat late e si si x ti tie es Z en was becoming quite popular in certain hippie circles, and i nt ntri rig gue ued, d, I as askk ed to to look at th the e book . T urn urnii ng the p ages ages,, I cam ame e acro acros ss a Z en say sayii ng, T he wi ld ge gees ese e do not no t intend i ntend to cas castt thei thei r reflection, T he water water has has no mi m i nd to recei receive ve thei thei r image.
R eadi ading ng thi this s say ayii ng was li k e lifti li fting ng a curt curtai ain. n. T he here re,, i n the mo morni rning ng tube tube tr trai ain, n, I fe felt lt a joy I had never never before before experien experi enc ced, a mome mom ent of i nte ntens nse e exhi lara larati tion. on. N ow I k now that thi this s w as the m om oment ent of the heart’ heart’s s turni ng towards tow ards G od, the m om oment ent the doo doorr to the the j ourney H ome opene opened. d.
3
The Fa Fa ce Be Befor for e I Wa s Bor n
T hi s j oy sta stay yed wi th me for week s. T here w as a sens ense e of laug l aughte hter, r, a feeli feeli ng of see eeii ng the j ok e wi thi thin n crea reati tion. on. A wo world rld tha thatt had see seem m ed gre grey y spark spark led wi w i th a hidde hi dden n li gh ght. t. I laug laughe hed d at eve every rythi thing ng I saw. M y boarding school was beside a river, and there was a beauti bea utifull fully y te tended nded garde garden n on the riverbank ri verbank w her here e one could sit, away from the sports fields and any noise. T hos hose e summ summ er afternoons afternoons,, w hen sc schoo hoolw lwork ork w as over, ov er, I w ould com ome e to to thi s ga garden rden and and wat w atc ch the ri ver, full of wonde w onder, r, full of deli deli ght ht.. T he flowi ng wat wate er, the ri pp pples les i n the current, current, the reflec reflecti tions ons sang to to me. m e. T here was no desire in me to understand the reason for this sudd udden en change, change, thi s i nner openi o peni ng. I n suc such h state states s of grace there is no questioning; the moment is too full. Look i ng bac back , I re reali aliz ze that that thi this s dee deep p j oy came came from the soul, which flooded my life with its sunlight. M y soul k ne new w th that at th the e journey H om ome e had had begun, begun, th the e ancii ent ques anc questt that that one carri carries es from li fet fetii m e to to li fet fetii me. T he Sufi says that there are three jo j o urn urney eys s, the Jo Jo urn urney ey from G od, th the e Journe ourney y to G od, an and d the Journe ourney y i n G od. T he Journe ourney y from G od i s the j ourne ourney y of the ex ex i le in in which we come into this world and forget our real nature nat ure,, our real real H om ome. e. I ha had d bee been tra traveli veli ng th thii s j journ ourney ey of fo forge rgetfulnes tfulness s fo forr si x te teen en yea ears rs,, not even k nowi ng tha thatt the there re was a journey. journey. B orn i nt nto o a mi ddleclas lass s En Engli gli sh fami fam i ly, I had gone gon e to to chur churc ch every Sunday and read read the Bi B i bl ble. e. I had sung sung hym hym ns and reci reci te ted d p rayers rayers.. B ut no n o w here was w as there the sl sl i ghtes ghtestt sugges sugges-tion ti on of spi ri ritua tuall li l i fe fe,, of any re reali ality ty be bey yond the world of o f the senses. Suddenly this Zen saying opened a doorway w hi ch I never eve even n k new ex ex i ste ted, d, and my hea heart rt rejoii ced. M any yea rejo ears rs later I di scov overe ered d that this thi s same saying about the wild geese was a favorite of the Sufi maste mas terr Bhai B hai Sahi Sahib, b, the be beii ng who whom m I came to to k now as
4
Awakening
my She Sheii k h. H e would ofte o ften n com compare pare hi s li ne of Sufis Sufi sm w i th Zen Z en Buddhi B uddhi sm , and when as ask ed to to desc descri be the the path pat h would woul d poi nt to wi ld bi rds i n the the sk y, say ayii ng ng,, “ C an you trace trace the the path of thei theirr fli fl i ght?” T he say sayii ng about the wild geese led me through an ancient doorway, back onto the path path to whi w hi ch my m y soul belonge belonged. d. T hos hose e sum umm m er week s w ere li k e the the tas taste of a fi rs rstt love; lo ve; the they y were une unex x plai ne ned d mag m agii c an and d I loo lookk ed for no reas reason. I borrow borrowe ed the book on Z en and and di scovere overed d a simple meditation technique, to sit with closed eyes and medita medi tate te on noth no thii ng ng.. I prac practi tic ced this thi s medi ta tati tion on and im i m m edi ediat ately ely had inner i nner exp experi erienc ences es.. T he m os ostt powerful experience was of being enormously large, spreading into infinite space, and at the same time being very small, incredibly dense, with a feeling of great p ow ower er and com com p ac actnes tness s. T hes hese e absol absolute ute opp op p osi te tes s w ere exp experi erienc enced ed si si m ultaneous ultaneously, ly, and although altho ugh i t must have lasted for just a few moments, there was no sens ense e of ti m e. O uts utsii de of spac space e and tim ti m e the exp experi eri-ence enc e was very tangi tangibl ble e and i ntens ntensely ely real. real. T here was also als o an exhi lara larati tion, on, th the e ex ex hi lara larati tion on of goi going ng bey beyond the limitations of the outer world, for the first time cons onsc ci ous ously ly k now nowii ng an an i nner dim di m ens ensii on so so di ffere fferent nt from the boardi ngng-s schoo hooll worl w orld d around me. I remembered that that I had had thi s same experi ex peri enc ence e a number of o f tim ti m es as a youn young g chi chi ld j us ustt before falli fal li ng asleep. asleep. A s a chi hild ld I was te terrifi rrifi ed and and told no one. one. N ow I welc welcomed omed it, for it was a taste of an inner reality which was very pote po tent nt and deepl deeply y sati atis sfyi fying. ng. Y ea ears rs later I as askk ed about the m ea eani ni ng of thi s exp experi erienc ence e and and was w as tol told d that i t was an experi exp erienc ence e of the Self, Self, “ larger than than large and and sm sm aller than sm sm all. . . bo boundl undles ess s po pow w er, source of every po pow w er.” I had brought w i th me into i nto this thi s li fe thi thi s sta tamp mp of the Self, this inner consciousness of transcendence, and through thr ough medi medi ta tati tion on i t was bei being ng awak en ene ed. T o a chi chi ld
5
The Fa Fa ce Be Befor for e I Wa s Bor n
thi s rea realili ty w as fri ghte ghteni ni ng; there was no contex ontextt for an experience of this deeper being. 1 But now it was a wonderful confirmation of what was waiting within. I n the eve eveni ni ngs I wo would uld si si t and and medi ta tate te and find fi nd myself inwardly expanding beyond my physical self. A ga gaii n there was no ques questi tioni oni ng of thes these e experi exp erienc ences es,, w hi ch see seemed med both bo th natural natural and mi m i rac raculo ulous us.. I j us ustt k new that I had found fou nd som somet ethi hi ng very prec precii ous ous.. Late Laterr I discovered that while the most common Zen meditation ti on i s to si si t wi th open ey eyes es,, the m edi edita tati tion on I had read read and was practicing was very similar to the Sufi meditatii on that was to bec tat b ecom ome e my m y cent central ral spi spi ri tual prac p racti tic ce. T he door had opened onto the the one spi ri tua tuall pat p ath h that that w as to tak tak e me H om ome, e, although it i t was m ore than than three three yea ears rs before I m ade the outer conn connec ecti tion. on.
EMP MPT T Y MIND
A lth lthoug ough h I ha had d bee been awak awak ene ned d to spi spi ri ritu tua al li fe fe,, I was sti till ll conf onfronted ronted by the di ffi culti esof adol adoles esc cenc ence, e, by all the psychological and emotional turbulence of growi ng up. I als also o added add ed to these these every everyday day pro probl blems ems by giving an interview in a school magazine about Buddhi sm, i n whi ch I ment mentii oned my ex ex peri perie enc nces es i n medimedi tatii on. I had to learn that i t is tat i s us usuall ually y w i ses estt to k ee eep p si lent about spi spi ri tua tuall exp experi erienc ences es.. W i th the nai nai vety and enthusiasm that come from having just discovered som omet ethi hi ng w onderful, I wante wanted d to share share i t. O f cours course e I was ri ridi di culed. O ne does does not talk talk about spi ri tu tual al truth truth in a high school magazine at an English boarding schoo hool! l! A boardi ng sc schoo hooll i s a sm sm all, contai ontained ned envi envi ronm ron m ent w i th stri stric ct cod codes es of w hat i s ac acc ceptable. O nly too ea eas si ly does one evok evo k e the col ollec lecti tive ve shadow shadow.. I learned the pai nful les less son of si lenc lence, e, and for fo r a number num ber
6
