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Philander’s Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 2, Issue 2
September 16, 2009
Campus-Wide Riot Leaves Only McBride, Mather Unscathed By Dingo Rockefeller McBRIDE HALL— The rampage of students which tore through virtually all of campus last Tuesday left only Mather and McBride Halls free from harm, according to Dean of Housing and Residential Life Alicia Dugas. The riot, which began in Peirce Servery, was reportedly rooted in students’ seething frustrations about the long lines and lack of vegetarian options. a vicious boil in the person of Edmund Derby ‘11, who tipped over the soft serve machine shouting “We want food! We want food!” “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said an unapologetic Derby, “I was hungry, I was going to be late for my seminar and there were about a thousand people in there. I was left holding a cold bagel and a scoop of cottage cheese.” “Literally, cottage cheese,” he added. Derby’s actions sent off a chain reaction that spread from Peirce to both sides of campus, gaining momentum as it went. Moving swiftly from Leonard to Old Kenyon and onward, hundreds stormed through the hallways, tearing down doors,
smashing windows and leaving South Campus with, in custodian Mike Green’s chilling words, “Send-off-likee damages.” “Send-off-lik North Campus was likewise assaulted as hordes of students roved through downtown Gambier and the freshman quad, armed with X-acto knives and shattered bongs. As Gund Residence Hall smoldered wildly in the background, Assistant Director Matt Troutman was heard to say, “You fool, Graham Gund, you hu-
Football Team Forced To Share Turf With Quidditch By Diesel Jackson
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MCBRIDE FIELD — As the result of a con- ing at my quarterback — nearly dislocated
troversial scheduling error, the Kenyon College Varsity Football team has been arranged to share half of McBride Field with the Quidditch club for the entire fall season. “Outrageous,” said Football Head Coach Ted Stanley. “This is an outrage. How does this happen? I’m trying to run a well-oiled machine and I have to look at this Dungeons and Dragons bullshit all afternoon?” When asked about the mess-up, KAC Director Douglas Zipp had little comment. “It happens,” he said, “I just overlooked it. I was putting together the schedule the same night that Two and a Half Men. I don’t know. I was distracted.” D’Artagnan Farx, the Captain and Keeper been “really great for us. The Pogs Team bullied us off of Peirce Lawn near the end of last semester,, so this is great!” semester “And they’re dangerous,” Stanley added.
his shoulder! It’s unbelievable that we have to stoop — Wachouski! Wachouski! Do NOT stick that broom up there! Drop it!” Farx had more positive comments about the integration. “The football guys have been upped our intensity,” he said, blocking the T-shirts. Check it out!” he said, turning to display a T-shirt that read, “Power the Will, Will the Power. Respect the Challenge, Challenge the Respect.” “I will say, though,” said Stanley, “one of their players has caught my attention. The others call him the ‘Snitch,’ some kind of wacky nickname. His reputation precedes him. His speed, his persistence. Sounds like my kind of guy. I’m hoping to meet him soon. Maybe I can convince him to come play on the greener, less gay side of the turf.”
bristic fool! You should have known your bed dividers and enormous student lounge would be no match for the ravening masses!” The riot continued unabated until the mob reached McBride Residence, where, according to those on the scene, an unearthly calm stole over all those present. “As soon as we entered the building and beheld the narrow, winding corridors, the air-conditioned rooms, and the isolated halls promoting small, cohesive clusters of students, we felt the rage subsiding,” said mob member Lance Alexanian ‘09, “though some of us tried to keep rioting, we just...couldn’t. We began to feel at peace with the whole world.” “I looked at the hall mural of a bear wearing pajamas and I just started crying” said mob member Nicolas Harrington ‘12, “not because I was sad, but because I realized how beautiful this little adventure we call life is.” Dropping their blood-soaked weapons into the trash chute, excepting those made of plastic and metal which were duly recycled, the mob began to disperse, making sure to tiptoe past residents’ doors because it was after quiet hours.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE: LIBRARY STOPS OFFERING BOOKS AFTER 4 PM DELTS IN EXISTENCE FOR RECORD-BREAKING 11 MINUTES JUNIOR INADVERTENTLY COMPLETES ANTH MINOR TRUSTEES JUST WON’T SHUT UP
Bromeo And Juliet A NORTH SIDE STORY By Eegull Eggelstein NEW APARTMENTS — Rival gangs broke into a dance-off at New Apartments on Friday night that resulted in the death of lacrosse team captain Sumner Winsterhammerman ‘10. As a group of lacrosse players was returning to D-Block they were confronted by a group of Woodsiders, an off-campus group of hipsters, who were returning to Caples for the evening. According to an anonymous tip, the growing rift between the two gangs started when Win-
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Alarm Clock Slip-Up Ruptures Space-Time Continuum By Beauregard Beauregard OLD KENYON — In what ex of a series of temporal blunders around campus, Ricky Wilson ’12 mis-set his alarm clock for nine o’clock p.m. instead of a.m., tearing a hole in the space–time continuum which consumed several pages of his English paper, a roommate, and many of his peers’ time-management skills. Wilson went to bed expecting to wake up with an hour before class; instead, he discovered a world turned upside-down. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat,” he said in a televised interview on Talk Tal k of the Hill last week. “I leave for class early, realize I’m already late, and then just wait around for fear of missing it the next time it meets.” Numerous reports have come in of students standing around in hallways outside classrooms in Ascension and Sam Mather for days on end, dark circles under their eyes, staring into the middle distance and shivering. The crisis has wormed its way into the lives of even the most responsible students. Caroline Wasserwobble ’13, widely celebrated for her perfect attendance, perfect grades, and all-around general perfection in high school, set her alarm last Wednesday night for 10:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. “I thought it was Thursday,” she
screamed as emergency paramedics dragged her into an ambulance. “Thursday!” Junior Sally McNally took a nap two days ago, setting the alarm on her cell phone for 15 minutes before her next class; she woke up three minutes before it was supposed to go off. “I’m normally really enthusiastic about napping. Lying down used to be one of my favorite activities,” she recalled. “Now I’m just living in a constant state of dread.” A small contingent of students, however, has gone about business as usual. Kurt Pilgrim Pilgrim ’10, an exchange student from Tralfa-
madore, claimed to be unaffected by the turn of events: “All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will fore, bugs in amber.” Madeleine Murry ‘11 used the newly-formed tesseract behind the library to go back in time and do better on the SATs, causing all evidence of her ever having been at Kenyon to vanish out of existence. When consulted about repair existence, Kenyon’s newest phys-
Timeline pandemonium outside Ascension Hall.
Historical Reenactment Society Reenacts Return By Granny Hayes GAMBIER — After two years on probation the Kenyon Historical Reenactment Society has returned to campus. Under the new direcdirection of Dorothy Wadsworth ‘10 the Society is hoping to restore its reputable image and excite students about historical events that range from zero to little modern - actually planning on reenacting his inaugural address.” In the spring of 2008 the Soci the administration discovered a plan to reenact the murder of Grigori Rasputin. The Historical Reenactment Society targeted Harold - putin, was a sorcerer sorcerer..
story of little red riding hood” - place the forest with tsarist Russia and the wolf with Rasputin. And instead of leading the wolf red riding hood poisons the wolf, shoots him repeatedly, clubs him into submission and then drowns magical powers” commented an original KHRS member Greg actually a PEEP who had been tripping on PCP and Red Vines for three days, reciting the lyrics to White Rabbit by Jefferson Air incident involving a fat suit and a bathtub, it was pretty clear the So-
ciety was in serious trouble” However, with the Historical feet old members are concerned that, with their rebellious days in the past, the Society is going to reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware was pretty lame” noodle and halfway across we got passed by a golden retriever playing fetch with its owner. Had I going to turn into elderly wom have had my mom express order 18th century breeches from looneyforpantaloons.com.” George Lameington one more
ics professor, Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown, formerly of Hill Valley University, would only insist that where we’re going, we don’t need roads.
Hurry Up, I’m Holding the Door By That Guy GAMBIER — Oh man. You are walking just so slowly right now. I was heading to Peirce for dinner but apparently going through Gund Commons was a poor choice. I wanted to hold the door for you, and if I had known you’d be going head-to-head with the snail on the ground I wouldn’t have, but we made eye contact and now I’m oddly committed to this. Do you have asphalt in your shoes? By the time I get to Peirce they’ll be out of forks. I’ll have to eat the pork loin with a spoon again. feet behind me when I looked back - ed to hold this goddamn piece of wood for you, and now I’m stuck here waiting for your slow ass to catch up. No but it’s OK. Really. I’ll just stand here and smile at you. It’s a smile of martyrdom, because I’m suffering for you. No of course you can’t get the door for yourself. It takes much more than just 4 pounds of force to open it. Believe me, I’m the one whose bones are shattering here. Can’t you walk any faster? I’m trying to send you a message through ESP that you clearly cannot understand. I’m saying, “Shift into the next gear and let’s move this bitch past 1.6 mph,” but there you are sauntering along like this is some kind of- Did you just stop to tie your shoe? Are you shitting me? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? Listen, short stack, my patience is dwindling. Keep up the shenanigans and I’ll wait here with the door just so I can smash your slow, slow face in it. Do not smile at me. Do not. I will end you. Come on, baby, home stretch! Home stretch! door, and now I get to pleasure myself by doing this three more times. I think I heard you mutter a thank you, but whatever whatever.. May as well have been a voodoo curse. So much for being nice.
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Hyde, Fennessy Granted Tentacles Hipster Accidentally Wanders South
By Ed Strictly ROSSE HALL — Two of Kenyon’s most respected professors have recently received tentacles: M. Siobhan Fennessy, professor of Biology and co-director of the Brown Family Environmental Center; and Lewis Hyde, Richard L. Thomas Professor of Creative Writing. Fennessy, who has been teaching at Kenyon for eleven years, said, “Receiving tentacles is one of the highlights of an academic career. It feels great.” Hyde said that receiving tentacles “is a nice feeling of accomplishment, and it has been wonderful to hear the kind words and good wishes of so many Kenyon cephalopods this week.” Both professors join the ranks of legendary professors like Peter Rutkoff, Kathryn Edwards, and Perry Lentz, who have been utilizing their muscular hydrostats for years. “I’m so proud of both of them,” said Lentz during a phone interview. “Being granted elongated my life.” But it’s not just an honor. Tentacles are meant to serve as an added incentive for especially talented thinkers who seem to be inhibited by four limbs. “I would encourage them not to grow complacent in their new security,” Lentz encouraged, “or forget how much of a responsibility comes with having tentacles. I called them my Eight Consciences. I had the ability to get more done, and they held me to it.” Indeed, if tentacles are inactive for an inordinate amount of time, they have the tendency to emit a noxious ink out of their pores. For this reason, tentacled professors are encouraged to be particularly cautious around loved ones. Nevertheless, the joy Hyde and Fennessy are
By Skeeter Demiglace
Lewis Hyde, recently tentacled Professor.
feeling this week overshadows any concerns for the future. “I’m relieved that the review process is over and had a successful conclusion. My wife and ecosystem are extremely relieved,” Hyde said. “When I told my eight-year-old daughter that I was awarded tentacles, she jumped up and down, and during one of her jumps, I got the idea to scoop her up with one of my tentacles and hold her in the air, and I held her tight as tears rolled down her face. Later that day, she asked me which tentacle I had used to hug her, and I told her that now that I was bilaterally symmetrical, I just didn’t know. That’s a moment I’ll never forget.”
Senior Never Going to Act on Freshman-Year ‘Hmm’ By Gurl Wulf STEPS OF ROSSE — As on most Thursday afternoons between 1:00–1:10 p.m., Elizabeth Pfeffer ’10 was found sitting on the steps of Rosse, peering eagerly across the lawn to the doors of Peirce. She was waiting for a brief sighting of Jack Larson ’10, on whom she has had a crush for nearly three years, as he exited a late lunch and headed to The Jazz Age, passing right by her perch on the stone steps, a little behind a big pillar. Pfeffer said, catching sight of him, “Oh my gaaaawd, he was my hmm freshman year — remember? The dating doctor? He was like, ‘Everybody has a hmm, and someday it’ll turn out that your hmm turns into one of your best friends and you’ll laugh about the times you hmm-ed over him.’ Remember? Well, that’s what it’s like. Only forever.” Pfeffer has never spoken to Larson, and in fact has no real desire to. “It’s better this way,” she said. “When we meet at the ten-year reunion, he’ll be so impressed that I didn’t even try to talk to him the whole time we were in school together.” Lest anyone think Pfeffer’s crush is based
on nothing but Larson’s matted golden locks and sweet Volkswagen Jetta, she said that they are both Political Science majors and both go to the KAC between eight and ten at night. How much of this is coincidence and how much is because Pfeffer has followed L arson’ arson’ss schedule since the third day of freshman year is up for debate, but she swears there’s more to it. After much Facebook stalking, friendasking-friend data-gathering, and even some skillfully maneuvered treadmill-overhearing sessions, Pfeffer has discovered that they both have collections of license plates from the Eastern seaboard. “Hardly anyone has an old-school Maryland plate, but I’ve heard that Jack does. Clearly, he’s a keeper,” Pfeffer said, happily anticipating the day she “accidentally” runs into him and he realizes she’s the creeper who’s been asking about him since day one. “It’s a thin line,” says Pfeffer’s freshmanyear roommate, Ursula Hayes ’10. “I think you get to know her, it’s really just a very affectionate brand of following someone around a lot, or sighing over them from across Peirce. It’s kind of sweet.”
PICNIC BENCH OUTSIDE HANNA — Safety and Security were alerted last Thursday that a suspicious man — possibly a transient — was wandering aimlessly through South Campus, shedding his clothes. Safety and Se- spond to the scene. Said Boone, “We found the suspicious gentleman after we followed the trail of items he threw off in his disorientation,” adding, “We found several objects including two pairs of holes and a pack of Camel Menthols. The suspect was found hyperventilating in the fetal position outside Hanna Hall.” After questioning the suspected transient, Safety and Security quickly realized that the man in question was actually Freddy Leipbaum career, ventured farther South than the Middle Ground. “I’ve never had a class outside of the Art Barn and I thought I w ould check out what goes on down there, but the combination of chino shorts and gargoyles over there really disoriented me,” said Leipbaum. North Campus — once a hipster haven — nity brothers this year as a consequence of the “Milk Cartons” being converted to the “Milk and Cookies” apartments. As a result, several selves walking down Woodside Drive on Saturday evenings. Leipbaum said he was doing his best to integrate. “The fraternity guys have been doing their best to hang out with us, so I thought I would venture south to gain a perspective on their lives,” he said. “Maybe I’ll try again sometime. The Horn Gallery seemed like it could be a home away from home.” OLLEGIATE STAFF C OLLEGIATE Clefairy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace Slowbro . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson Holographic Venasaur . . . Luther Honeybucket Gengar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams Pidgeotto . . . . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard Tentacruel . . . . . . . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein Victreebell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Granny Hayes Psyduck . . . . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins Farfetch’d . . . . . . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire Butterfree . . . . . . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller Chansey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz Geodude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly Eevee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf Lickitung . . . . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside Pikachu . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000 Editorial Assistants . . . . . . . . . Ash Ketchum, Brock, Misty, Lt. Surge, Professor Oak, Gary, Erika, Bill, Missingno., Safari Warden Interns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Meowth, Arbok, Founder/Edit or Emeritus . . . . . . Louis Francis Founder/Editor Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
Gossip Squirrel Holy Shit, I’m, Like, Abroad! Your one-and-only source into the scandalous lives of Kenyon’s elite Wakey wakey, Kenyon Scholars! Gossip Squirrel here with some news for you. It’s been a slow gossip season during these toasty months, but I’ve managed to stay glamorous jumping gleefully with my furry companions betwixt the trees. The land is green and bountiful and I have been frolicking vigorously to trim my merry nut belly. Too revealing? Remember that now is the prime prime time to be gathering nuts, nuts, for when the winter hits the nuts will be frozen and you will be cold. If you know what I mean. Hello hello to all you single senior ladies out there. You know it’s a prime season to play cougar and participate in those extra-curricular encounters. There are many fresh young acorns out there, so be cunning. Sometimes I like to leap from a tree to take my men by surprise. Growl. The leaves are already falling as the sunny hours dwindle. Less and less time to bronze my wholesome underside. Ooh la la! Did that make you blush? You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Squirrel
By Jean Shortz hey y’all! i’m so honored that the collegiate chose me to write an editorial about my semester abroad haha. i was going to enroll in a fashion-marketing program in london, but i decided to go on an experimental program in tajikistan — sounds totally random, but annie and chastity,, two of my best friends from camp chastity merrimack, told me about it. they said they were going, and then on the last night of camp at the dance (we had chugged white wine spritzers while our campers were getting ready lol bAdDaSsEs), they totally convinced me to go with them. well, they’re not fucking here. turns out, they found out that i was the one that told the camp director that annie was pregnant, and so they made up this program and sold me into slavery. so i’m here. alone. wear whatever it is. but, hey. i’m so adaptable. i’m totally going to make the best of this, duh. hahahahahaha. okay, so my “family.” i’m living with the khayrulloyevs. they’re a lot different from my real family lol. i have three moms, fourteen sisters, and eleven brothers… i haven’t met the brothers because i’m not allowed to talk to men while i’m here… that’s what one of my moms told me. i don’t think it would be a big deal, though. i burned a t.i. cd, an oasis cd, and a coldplay cd for my brothers and left them at the gate to their wing of the house last night. one of the whores who was going in took them so she was probably going to give them to one of my brothers (seriously, the girls here are SUCH sweethearts). I’m not really sure about the nightlife just yet… i know opiates are like kind of a big deal just because i work in an opi not sure if i want to try any of the drugs yet. it could be fun! when in rome! haha anchorman… more like, when enslaved by druglords on the peak korzhenevskaya, north of ismoil somoni, on the south bank of muksu river!!! lol I’m not sure where my university is or when i start (or if i start lol), but that will be nice to get to know some locals. also, i’ll all hahahahaha jk i think i will be able to! in winter 2010, so i’ll hopefully make that one. anyway, thx for reading my article. you can follow me at twitter.com/middleeastsweetness or read my blog: iminfreakinta jik.blogspot.com
(From BROMEO: Page 1) sterhammerman invited Woodsider Juliet Ziegler ’10 to Middle Ground on a date last week. On the night of the battle, observers say Woodsiders accosted the “laxers” by insulting pastel colors. Ziegler and Winsterhammerman met at the beginning of the semester in a philosophy class. Ziegler had been in a relationship with fellow Woodsider Ted Liebowitz ’11, but after spending the previous semester in Prague, Ziegler says, “I wasn’t sure where things were going between Teddy and me. He didn’t make a huge effort to speak to me while I was at Kenyon or in Prague, but that’s just Teddy, you know? He’s such a goof-ball.” Liebowitz says, “Juliet and I were incredibly close ever since the beginning of freshman year. I can’t believe that she was trying to ditch me for a lacrosse player. For the last year, I’ve only been thinking about my favorite band, Chromeo, and Juliet.” The night of September 11th was when the mutual displeasure became violence. Tension thickened between the rival gangs as the dance-off began. Winsterha Winsterhammerman, mmerman, renowned for his grinding, stepped up to challenge the Woodsiders. In response, Liebowitz began convulsing everywhere. The crowd moved into help, but Liebowitz brushed them away,, insisting he was dancing. away “I was doing the Hegelian Shake,” Leibowitz said. “It’s a pretty obscure move. People haven’t really heard of it.” “Sumner was fucked-up,” said teammate Bro Lucas Granholm ‘10, visibly upset. “We had started at the VI right after class ended. Then we bro-ed out outside of Leonard and then we went to the Cove. By the time we got back to D-Block and fucked up those Woodsiders, he was gone. He just hit the drop and never came back up.” Bystanders say that Woodsiders left Winsterhammerman on the ground as they walked away, shouting the classic Sombrero Fallout lyric, “Don’t come creepin’ ‘round fourth In addition, inside sources report that the Wiggin Street Hoodlums have been spreading rumors about both gangs for weeks in accordance with their plan to takeover Gambier. Gambier.
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As Winter Draws Near, A Look At The Ethics Of Heating By Dwayne Dunderdell Pres., Kenyon Libertarians
themselves supply. An allstu I sent heating? Don’t be ridiculous, students when the wintertime even alleged that S. Georgia Nu- Dwayne. This isn’t another one of gets too much. Few college-goers gent is in fact a snowman come to your articles, is it?” Looks like the ever escape out into the cold; inlife, viciously attempting to end joke’s on them. stead, they become complacent in winter once and for all. Pull the But heating in our dorms is not the warm glow of their heaters. Just last month wool from your eyes, readers; it just a cruel joke: it’s a cruel real- What’s next for these kids? Free as we students feels good to see again. ity. As the Heat Miser from The preventative healthcare? returned to cam What’s the worst that could Year Without A Santa Claus once I hope that all of this serves to pus, a friend of happen if the dorms are heated? sang, “They call me Heat Miser. open your eyes to the world around mine said, “It’s Something awful, that’s what. Last Whatever I touch starts to melt in cold tonight.” The message was -- my clutch. I’m too much.” Never was a big step for Homo sapiens; clear from her shiver alone: cold- tures of Dean Delahunty all melted before have those words rung so just look at the colonization of ness, a common symptom of the true. The heat misers currently anywhere that isn’t in Africa or gloaming of the day had arrived in Not to mention a gallon of milk running Kenyon College will stop the Levant. But when it comes to Gambier, Ohio. Oh, we were given I bought went bad just sitting on at nothing to rob students of na- heated dorms in wintertime, I have the usual advice: “put on pants” my desk. Students at Kenyon have ture’ ture’ss beautiful, icy grasp. And to- just one word for you: Socialism. and “lay off the popsicles.” Luck- been subjected to this kind of in- day heated buildings can be found I have fourteen more: I literally ily, announced the maintenance dignity for decades. When asked worldwide! American colleges think that heating our dorms is a staff, Kenyon College’s dorms are for comment, the administration proudly — proudly! — uphold the move equivalent to Soviet genoheated in the winter. announced, “What? You’re against tradition of warming their chilly cide. Thank you. Another disaster averted, eh? But check yourself, reader, before you wreck yourself. For in the winter of 1860, it got cold all across the United States. And that same By Luther Honeybucket year, Paul Bunyan, a giant lumber jack, famously stated, “I don’t feel CORNERSTONES years ago, it was so cold that evJ-Christ is number one in our hearts here at The Collegiate. We look forward to The Cornerery breath I blew would freeze and stones risin’ up on the third day and ushering in a similar dominance to that of Western Chrisland on my foot.” That December, tendom over the past 2000 years. most Americans gave in to the cold — save two. Paul Bunyan and PEALERS his blue ox Babe soldiered on. As Though they’re not an a cappella group — and they’ve never held a concert — perhaps this is we all know, Paul and Babe chose their break-out year? Gotta love those bells. well that winter’s day. It got so
2009-10 Pre-Season A Cappella Power Rankings 1
cold that all the clouds and the sun froze solid and fell straight down out of the sky, killing more than 500 people right in their houses. Only Paul and Babe, who measured 60 feet tall with their boots off, survived the catastrophe. Here we are, almost 200 years later, and we seem to have learned nothing. Sure, we’d like to think that Americans, not to mention Kenyon students, still have the perseverance taught to us by that proud giant lumberjack, but I know that this is not the case. Kenyon maintenance workers can often be seen hauling bags around in the snow, refusing the very dorm room heat that they
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OWL CREEKS Recovering from the devestating loss of their hottest member, the Creeks will actually have to bank on the quality of their singing. TAKE 5 the charts? STAIRWELLS Sorry,, Stairwells. But there’s already a group called Fleet Foxes. Sorry CHASERS After the loss of some serious rhythm section talent, the Chasers may well be losing the title of KOKOSINGERS The Kokosingers are starting this year as the friendliest, most upstanding group on campus.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE...
NEW STUDY REPORTS: MIDDLE PATH “SLOWLY CURVING” A PSI UDYSSEY: THE SEARCH FOR A NEW “MILKS” BOARD OF TRUSTEES REJECT C OLLEGIAN OLLEGIAN , STIMULUS FUNDS
