U’vacharta Ba’cha Ba’chayim yim A FRUM FORMER FORMER ADDICT ADDICT USES HIS EXPERIE EXPERIENCES NCES TO RESCUE RESCUE OTHERS OTHERS FROM THE SAME FATE THAT ALMOST BEFELL HIM
I
ell into the trap o drug addiction roughly seven and a hal years ago. I had some issues I wanted to escape rom. I needed to numb my pain. There’s almost always an underlying issue that leads someone toward addiction. Today, the American Psychiatric Association classifes addiction as a disease. But the truth is that, or mysel and others like me, there’s something inside, a pre-set snare just waiting to be triggered. I ell into this trap o addiction shortly ater my divorce. I used that as a justifcation. I was married 18½ years y ears and raised rais ed a amily. amily. Then, my world ell apart. You could say that I have an addictive personality. I was a workaholic. Whatever I did was always in the extreme. At my lowest point, I was addicted to the strongest drugs out there. I had people around me who were doing the same drug who aren’t alive anymore. In my case, I was introduced to a very powerul drug by a business acquaintance. I lost it all. I stopped caring about my business. I didn’t care about anything. The whole world shut down. All I cared about was getting money or drugs. I went right away rom using to abusing to dependency (See sidebar or an explanation o these three stages o drug addiction). The drug to which I was introduced acts primarily on the brain—as opposed to other drugs that travel through the whole body. That’s what makes it one the toughest drugs to fght; the brain yearns or it. I’d say it took just about six weeks until I was in dependency dependency..
Yossel Grossman
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BY YOSSEL YOSSEL GROSSMAN
Nothing stops an addict. I would cheat, lie, steal and manipulate to get more drugs. My lie completely unraveled unraveled beore my eyes, and soon I hit rock bottom. I lost credibility with my amily. They wouldn’t trust me with a dollar. I was missing in action or over a month. I shut my phone o. I ell into a pit that I couldn’t get out o. I would do whatever it took to procure my next fx. I had a very successul business many years ago. People trusted me. One day I came to the check cashing store with a good check, and the guy who had cashed my checks or many, many years said, “I’m really sorry, but I cannot cash checks or you.” I have no idea how he knew. But he knew. I had lost it all. I didn’t care about my business. All I cared about was getting money or drugs. I didn’t need to worry about supporting my amily. I was in a position that they were taken care o. But I was desperate. I spent thousands o dollars a week to eed my addiction. I lived in constant ear. ear. But the drug is so powerul that nothing held me back. I didn’t care i I was hungry or thirsty; I could go a couple o days without eating or sleeping. I lost a lot o weight and didn’t care about my personal appearance or hygiene. When your body is in a state o dependency there’s no bechirah bechirah—no —no ree will. There’s no Shabbos, there’s no day, there’s no night. I used to look at my watch and see it said seven o’clock, and then look outside to see i it was seven in the morning or the evening. One day, I spent thousands o dollars on drugs and we, my ellow junkies and I, spent one Motzaei Shabbos smoking all night, all day Sunday, all Sunday night, and so on…all day and all night until Wednesday W ednesday aternoon. aternoon.
On Wednesday aternoon, I got to a point where I said to mysel, “I can’t anymore.” I called my rebbe in Monsey, who is involved in Tomchei Shabbos. I had called him a ew times and told him I wanted to come to the Tomchei Shabbos warehouse or kosher ood. I called him that WednesWednesday night and said, “I’m done. I would like to talk to a proessional who knows about addiction.” That phone call saved my lie. I didn’t know anything about the terminology o addiction. I just knew I was close to death. My body was malnourished; I was just skin and bones. That same week I’d seen someone who was also
idea what rehab is all about. I just chose one randomly with my fnger. That aternoon, I drove to a program in upstate New York. It was a program or upscale people—lawyers, civil servants, and the like. I just didn’t ft in. For cocaine you don’t have to go to the hospital. You go straight to rehab. I did detox in the rehab. You need to be in a sae environment, with a doctor nearby in case you start to convulse. I was the only Jewish person there. I ought or ten days just to get kosher ood. They wouldn’t let me bring it in. They said, said , “Why should you be dierent?” Even my counselor came to me and said, “Joseph,
I lost credibility with my amily. They wouldn’t trust me with a dollar. doing drugs taken into an ambulance and heard as he was pronounced dead. My rebbe asked me where I was. For months I had been in hiding. When I’d call him or kosher ood, I’d come mysel to get it. Sometimes I’d go to the warehouse and steal ood just to hold on. For the frst time, I told him where I was staying. He sent someone to pick me up. I remember I got into that van and just spaced out on the oor. I was watched overnight, and my rebbe got me an appointment with an addiction specialist or the next morning. I was in danger because at the time I owed quite a bit o money to dealers, and they were ready to kill me just to show s how that they can’t be taken advantage o. The frst thing to do was to fnd a way to pay o what I owed. Once that was taken care o, I was introduced to three dierent rehab programs and told to choose one. I had no
be honest, when you were using, did you only eat kosher ood?” On Day 11 I ran o. I elt much worse than when I started. My counselor was working with me with passion and love, and convinced me to try it or one more day. Baruch Hashem, Hashem , I stayed, and recovered. I’ve been in recovery rom drug addiction or 2,429 days as o this writing. That’s six years, seven months, two weeks and our days. Sitting there, in rehab, I thought to mysel that i I had only had kosher ood, a siddur , a machzor , a Chumash Chumash…i …i only I had had a ellow Jew with whom I could share, and who would understand me, perhaps my recovery would have started sooner, and I wouldn’t have come so dangerously close to a relapse. That moment I decided that I would do whatever it takes to be that man or the next person to all
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There is a signifcant dierence between an o-the-derech child and an addict. into my predicame predicament. nt. toward rehabilitation. In the state o New I enrolled in college to earn the needed York York there there are are almost almost 3,000 3,000 addiction procertifcations and credentials, and today grams. You need to know exactly what fts I work as a counselor, dealing with those which person at which stage in his addicwho are drug addicted in the frum com- tion. munity. I work with people o all ages. I need to interview the addict to learn Drugs don’t discriminate. I’ve been to about his psychological background; I many levayos where the person suppos- need to know i he’s currently on mediedly died rom an aneurism or a heart cation through a doctor. I so, he needs attack, when the real cause o death was to go to a program where they work out an overdose. Right now I am involved with these issues as they work on his addiction. 11 people in rehab in Caliornia, Florida, W Wee call it a dual diagnosis. di agnosis. Once he gets upstate New York, and Pennsylvania. I to a place where he is mentally stable he have an ofce in Brooklyn, and I’m there becomes eligible or rehab programs that every Wednesday. I have an ofce in Lake- are just or the addiction. Some kids can’t wood where I am every Sunday Sunday.. And I’m in read or write, and there’s a lot o journalMonsey on Mondays and Thursdays. My ing in certain programs. So I might have main ocus is on guiding addicted people to help him get into a less rigorous pro74 A M I M A G A Z I N E / / J U L Y 3 1 , 2 0 1 3 / 2 4 A V 5 7 7 3
gram. It might be a longer, slower process in such a case. A major part o what I do is educating the amily o the addict. Parents have to understand that nobody gets up in the morning and says, “Okay “Okay.. Today Today is the th e perect day to become a drug addict.” Something happened. Someone ed the child frst or he wouldn’t know how or what to get. The frst thing you do is conront the addict with language, careully choosing your words so that, ultimately, he must ace the consequences by himsel. For example, parents might say, “I you go to rehab, you’ll have a better lie,” as opposed to “We will be so proud o you i you do the right thing.” When you show him that it’s his lie and his decision, and the consequences are his, the message might sink in. Giving your child your unconditional love means that you don’t care about your shame, guilt or what the community is going to say say.. It means doing whatever it takes to save your child’s lie. There is a signifcant dierence between an o-the-derech o-the-derech child and an addict. Othe-derech thederech kids somehow developed a hatred towards Yiddishkeit and use that as justifcation or their behavior. But an addict has no problem with Yiddishkeit per se. Sometimes addicts will go o the derech because they have no power o choice. There’s no structure. There’s no Shabbos. He doesn’t keep Shabbos because he has a ear o withdrawal and dependency. His only ocus is his addiction. Our ocus is on bringing that person back to reality, giving him the ability to choose who he really wants to be. To put it simply: I don’t sell them Yiddishkeit;; I sell lie. I bring them back to dishkeit u’vacharta ba’chayim. ba’chayim . What I do is bring the addict back to the point o being able to choose whether he wants to be an ehrli-
BY YOSSEL YOSSEL GROSSMAN
che Yid or not. Rabbi A.J. Twerski says the level o teshuvah o teshuvah that a drug addict needs to change his lie 180 degrees cannot be compared to a person who has to push himsel to learn another blatt Gemara or a little more mussar . A lot o rabbanim object, asking, “So, you put them in non-Jewish programs?!” I that’s the program they need to get back to lie, i that’s what will work best or the client, then yes. I mysel went to an Irish Catholic program and I returned to Torah and Yiddishkeit Yiddishkeit.. Today, I’m grateul that I regained the power to choose how to live my lie. I once ran ater one specifc boy who was addicted and had a psychological issue and said, “When you’re ready, call me.” One Friday aternoon, he called me and said, “Yossel, I’m I ’m ready.” ready.” I asked where w here he was and got into a car to go to Monsey or him. First, I wanted to know that he was sae. I had a specifc program in mind that would be good or him. It was in Florida. I called my rav on Friday aternoon and asked what to do. Anyone who is
involved with helping drug addicts knows that when someone says he’s ready it’s a window o opportunity, not to be missed. He wants it now. He chooses it. You have to grab it. It’s a matter o pikuach o pikuach neesh. neesh. My rav told me, “Buy the ticket now!” So I bought it online and planned to y on Friday night to Florida with this kid. It’s very simple: It’s the same way you can drive to Coney Island Hospital on Shabbos in an emergency. It just happens that his hospital is in Florida. That’s what he needs. I bought the tickets and told the kid, “Okay, now you’re here in my house. Call your parents. Say good Shabbos. Because next time you talk with them it will be Motzaei Shabbos.” Shabbos .” He called them and was so happy to tell them he was going to rehab. They said, “What?! You’re going to be mechalel Shabbos! Shabbos! No way!” I said, “Listen. As a proessional in this feld I know this is what he needs to do. This program really is going to ft him. It’s a once-in-a-lietime opportunity or him. I have the backing o a rav rav.” .”
“My son is not going to y on Shabbos!” I said, “Lady “Lad y, he’s your son. I’m not going to go against your wishes.” He was under 18, and I needed consent rom the parents. So I didn’t take him to the program. The kid got lost or a ew months. The parents ound him and said they were going to disown him. At the time, I wasn’t involved anymore. The parents orced him into a program. He went in on a Thursday. On Monday, he ran away rom the program. On Tuesday he was ound overdosed in a hotel room and died. I believe i I hadn’t listened to the parents I could have saved this kid. But it was out o my hands. Parents need to be educated to know what to look out or, the so-called red ags o addiction. The same way parents need to know the signs o a physical illness, they need to know the symptoms o addiction. Once they get that knowledge, they can catch it i t right away away.. Some people are very creative. They can take vodka in a coee. You don’t even see it. I your child is constantly going to the bathroom, maybe he or she is taking drugs there.
ANATOMY ANA TOMY OF AN ADDICTION—A FIRST FIRST-HAND -HAND EXPERIENCE As a recov recovering ering addic addictt and drug abuse counselor, I teach people how to recognize certain warning signs o addiction. The most prominent signs are what we call the Three Cs: Compulsion Control and Not caring about the Consequences. Most illegal drug users don’t become instant addicts. There are three identifable stages, or levels, that ultimately end in addiction: Many people have no prob-
lem playing with drugs or many years. When they’re high, they’re happy. And then they stop. That’s That’ s the frst level beore addiction—occasional, recreational drug use. But that’s not really addiction. The second level beore one becomes a ull-blown addict is abuse. They start abusing their money to pay or their drug o choice. They start abusing their time, their amily and riends. They don’t don’t care about the reper reper-cussions. The third level is depen-
dency. The brain manuactures dopamine. That’s the eel-good sensation, the rush. When you bring drugs or alcohol into the body it creates “countereit” dopamine. When this synthetic dopamine comes in, there’s an overow. Ater a while the body gets so used to this overow that going without it causes intense discomort. By stage three, the addict needs the overow just to be normal. I he wants to get a little high, he needs more drugs. He needs even more to eel
“happy.” Ater a while, the body gets used to that amount and he needs even more, creating a vicious cycle. The numbe numberr one sign o dependency is withdrawal. As an addict, I simply could not live without the drugs. I would close mysel in my room or two weeks and spend that whole time just using. It wasn’t even a high anymore; it was just to keep the dopamine at the same level. The body experiences convulsions and other horriying side-eects as the drug leaves his system.
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Users have underlying excuses or their abuses. The act is they do not like themselves. In all likelihood, they hate themselves or doing drugs. The second component to coming back to reality, ater structure, is to work out the underlying issues so they’re not stuck, chained to their past. Then they will have their ree will back. The third thing is taking it slowly. There are no quick fxes. It’s like a diet. You can’t wake up 20 pounds lighter. It’s ounce by ounce. You Yo u cannot orce an addict to go to rehab. It needs to be his or her own choice or it won’t work. In our community, 95% o those who go to rehab are there voluntarily. In a way it’s a blessing, because it’s their own choice. But by that same token, they can choose to run out and do whatever they want. In order to help an addict he needs the desire to stop using. It’s a disease that will never go away. It is a lielong struggle, but rehab is essential. When I frst went to rehab the urge to use drugs was there 24/7. Once I was introduced to structure, got back to lie and worked out my issues, the urge began to ade. Today, I can still say that I know I cannot trust mysel or the rest o my lie. I know I have to rely on something Higher than mysel, because I could end up in detox and rehab over and over. I rely on the tools I learned: to learn to fll my empty space with something that we call a Higher Power. A religious religious person person defnitely defnitely has it easier easier in a 12-step program, because we know what that spiritual meaning is. One thing I tell rum tell rum people is to realize that we have trust and belie within us. We sometimes all into a trap o saying, “I there is a G-d, how come I’ve got so many problems?” And we use that as a justifcation. So I ocus on bringing them to understand that
part or an addict is living with structure. That’s the frst thing you have to get back to. Day is day day.. Night is night. Yes is yes. No is no. An addict has none o that. He hasn’t had structure o when to get up and what to do or years. I had a bochur bochur who’d who’d been on the streets with no day or night rom the ages o 13 to 16. Wee work on bringing the key play W ers to help—the enablers in his lie. I he has an uncle who lets him sleep at his house, i a grocery store gives him ood…we fnd out through the amily who the key players in his lie are. We bring in these individuals. We build a wall around him, so he can’t say, “I you don’t give me money I’ll I’l l go to Moishe Mois he or to Yanky.” Yanky.” He won’t be able to, because all the key players are on the same team, the client’s team. When I need need the advice o a medimedical doctor, I’ll call. But I work mainly using the experience I have, and Yossel Grossman in Ami’s ofce with Hashem’s help, I’ve cared or hundreds o addicts. In the past two the belie is at the heart o addiction itsel. years alone, I’ve dealt with 129 rum people For example, I believe I can take one whom I succeeded to get into rehab. Today more drink and be okay. I believe I can I’m busy 24 hours a day—helping these take drugs and not get caught. I believe people, fnding them gainul employment, the dealers will have hav e mercy on me i I don’t helping them move, get married, putting pay them right away aw ay.. I believe the stu s tu they money together or their wedding, you give me will be good. We have to learn to name it. get rid o these alse belies in rehab. I’m grateul that th at I can do what I do today to day.. Another thing we learn in rehab is the I’m in a place where I can see a person this opportunity to share with others, to see close to death, and a ew months later he’s what worked or them that might work or on his way to recovery, back to real lie. you. In therapy you get to spend an hour a There is no greater satisaction than that week with one person. In rehab you get 24 eeling. t hours a day or a month or so, to speak to people going through the same thing. The author can be contacted through the In our community, there’s some knowl- Ami ofce. edge missing. People think a rehab is like a boot camp where you’re constantly told To submit your story for this column or to have where to go and what to do. That said, it your story featured here, please contact us at sub- does entail a lot o structure. The toughest
[email protected].
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