Hypnotic Whispers: An Enchantress’s Guide To Creating Intimacy
By: Kristina Marchant
Chapter One Intimacy Is About Exposing Your WHOLE Self To A Man!
An enchantress is not a mystery to a man. This is the most important thing an enchantress-in-training must understand when creating intimacy.
An enchantress doesn’t play off a man’s fantasy of his dream woman. She never acts elusive, hiding her true self from a man in order to trap him.
She knows that when she acts like a mysterious, fantasy woman, a man may have obsessive thoughts about her until he conquers her, but his feelings will never be love.
Acting like an elusive siren, who is attractive and sexy but never opens up enough for him to see her real sparkle, will work for about half a minute.
A man may transfer fantasies onto an elusive woman, believing that she holds the key to his happiness, but he will not fall in love with this woman because he will not really know her.
This happens a lot. Women do it, too. It’s called love addiction and it’s where one person thinks they are ‘in love’ with another person that is emotionally unattainable. When he or she conquers that person, he or she moves on to the next conquest.
The love addict doesn’t know how to deal with a real relationship and really knowing another person on a deeply close level; he can only handle the chase. So he absorbs himself in the high of love.
The only way to conquer this love addiction thing that many people have these days, is to be 100% authentic with a man to the point where you completely WAKE HIM UP to the value of true love and human connection. You have to magnetize him with your deep vulnerability.
An enchantress knows how to do this. She reveals her ENTIRE self to a man in a way that not only deepens his love for her but also makes her so hypnotic, she becomes like the oxygen he needs to breathe.
See, once you open a man up to sharing himself with you in a way he never did before, he will feel beyond lonely when you are gone.
Hiding your true feelings and flaws to act the part of a fantasy woman also doesn’t enchant a man because it keeps you feeling lonely and afraid of your true self. This fear and loneliness will eventually kill your love.
When you deny yourself the chance to open up and ‘be seen’ by a man— telling him how you truly feel inside and sharing who you truly are inside— you are killing your Female Fire and telling yourself that the essence of you is not good enough for love. Your insecurities will eat away at the relationship and either you or he will leave.
An enchantress is 100% honest with a man about who she is and the true extent of all her feelings and her needs. This is essential for a happy love life.
In Red Rose Woman, I discussed how to share your feelings with a man in a way that can bring you both closer. In this book, I’m going to talk about finding your true voice so that you can share the person you are inside with him and avoid letting your fears and insecurities sabotage your intimacy. I will also talk about finding the trust and confidence inside you to be able to handle a man’s feelings and needs as he opens up to you.
Chapter Two My Story
If you are even reading this book, you most probably want to build an everlasting, deep, emotional connection with a man more than just be his fantasy and snag him for a few months.
You probably really want to get to a place where you two can share your feelings with one another in a safe environment, cry together at emotional moments, be sensitive to when feelings are hurt, share your dreams and goals with one another and feel you know each other better than anyone.
This is possible.
(And if the idea of this is scary, you need to work through this to ever have a deeply connected relationship.
You will crave one but will not be able to
tolerate one when it comes your way unless you embrace this idea of closeness.)
So, even though we think of men as mollusks, clamming-up when we try to peak inside, most are actually very capable of deep emotional intimacy. Many just need the guidance of a woman to get there.
Today you are going to learn how to be the emotional seductress in your relationship and guide a man to his more vulnerable, soft, heartfelt side so that you can create an emotional bond so close, he will feel you are his emotional life savior.
Let us start with my journey toward emotional intimacy:
Two years ago, I got divorced. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my somewhat short life. My mom got divorced after 36 years of marriage and also survived breast cancer. She said divorce was the harder of the two to handle emotionally.
I don’t know if that would be true for
everyone, but I can believe it when she says it because it was really tough for me.
I went crazy in my head and acted crazy for a little while after my divorce. I felt so scared and dark inside. I was basically a mess of tangled emotions for a year or so: a blob of emotional goo that was just trying to stay congealed. I jumped into the arms of some very emotionally shutdown men.
They
treated me very badly. I can’t blame them. I allowed it and I’m sure I was no picnic to date either.
The only thing that was almost as bad as going through a divorce was being a wife during the last years of my marriage. Living with my husband toward
the end of our marriage was like living with a cold-shouldered stranger. He had once been so loving and so tender with me, laughing with me about so many things and confessing his love for me often.
Somewhere along the
way, it all ended.
He slowly distanced himself from me emotionally, like driftwood floating out to sea. He stopped laughing with me, talking much to me at all, and started spending less and less time at home.
I tried so hard to open him up, to bring him back to me. I worked my tail off to be whatever I thought he needed me to be for him—his therapist, his mother, his best friend, and his hot, sexy wife.
I coddled his feelings and pushed mine to the back burner, thinking he didn’t have time and energy for my feelings. It tried to make emotional intimacy all about him sharing instead of us both doing so.
It didn’t bring him any closer, but at the time I figured that he could barely stand me when I was trying to laugh and smile so why share my tears and anger and risk really sending him over the edge?
And in the end, my tears and anger did just that. I was expending so much energy on pushing my feelings down that sometimes I didn’t have it in me to pretend a minute longer. My negative feelings would boil up like a pressure-
cooker and they would eventually, at times, bust out of the depths of me and spew out.
See, we can only act like a fantasy for so long!
I would demand connection and compassion.
I’d scream, throw things,
blame him, go cold, withdraw, and then I would beg, plead, cry for him to forgive my outbursts or my cold-shoulders.
After one of these occasional
tantrums, my husband left.
I was so angry when he left. I blamed him for being emotionally unavailable. I read a book about emotionally unavailable men and it said that some of these men will still get married but will fall out of love after a while. I told myself (and him on a few drunken occasions) that he was a one of these men, a coward-- afraid of knowing the real me and of being there for all my needs and all my feelings, especially the dark, ugly ones.
I went on feeling angry for a while. I hated men and thought they were all lacking empathy for a woman’s feelings-- insensitive jerks that just used women for sex, housekeeping and meal cooking.
Secretly, though, deep inside me, I didn’t blame men as much as I blamed myself.
I thought I was just too much for men. I felt that all my needs and feelings were going to scare any and every man away—except maybe the martyrs. I hated them, too, for being so masochistic. Interesting huh? That I thought a man who would actually want to take me on was just up for some selftorture.
My desire for an emotional connection with a man was so strong that I felt my loneliness was ruling my life.
I couldn’t take it anymore and I soon searched for answers.
I went to
therapy, read a whole lot of books and had some strange experiences that I’ll discuss in this book.
It was a transformational journal and it opened my eyes to myself and to the real meaning of emotional intimacy in a relationship.
See, men weren’t the problem.
I was.
My husband wasn’t entirely the
problem, I also was. I didn’t hate men and I didn’t think that my husband was a selfish jerk for not wanting to deal with my feelings and share a bond with me. The truth was, I hated myself and I secretly thought I was a selfish jerk because I didn’t want to deal with Kristina and MY own dark feelings. I didn’t want a bond with myself.
I wanted to make my emotional pain
something for a man to fix and/or be blamed for.
I didn’t want to look at myself. I didn’t want to understand myself better. I knew I was devastated that my husband left, but I didn’t realize that I was assisting in his “goodbye”. I had helped push him away. I had blamed him for his behavior in the marriage, but I didn’t know WHY his behavior wounded me at times and WHAT I needed from him feel better in those moments.
During the marriage, I had concentrated on his poor treatment of me, on his lack of emotional support and empathy, instead of BELIEVING that he had loved me and had wanted to bond with me but just didn’t know how to be the husband I needed him to be in intimate moments.
In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he did always ask for guidance during an argument, even if his tone was harsh, he was seeking assistance; “What do you want me to do about it?” “Tell me what I did wrong and why it hurt you so much!”
The answers at the time of his
questioning seemed obvious. “Be more understanding.” “Listen to what I’m telling you.” “Do I REALLY have to tell you why I’m upset?!”
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t really know WHY I was so upset and I didn’t know why his actions had hurt me so much. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to console me when I was down; it was what it meant to me that he didn’t.
It wasn’t that he didn’t compliment my body
when I was naked; it was what it meant to me that he didn’t do that.
It
wasn’t that he didn’t like crawling into a hot bath with me and listening to my day, it was what it meant to me that he didn’t want to do that.
So instead of telling him why it all was so important to me, in a way that he could hear, I made it about his poor treatment of me.
It took a long time to realize that half the time that I was angry, sad, unfulfilled was because of something that had much more to do with who I was deep down than who he was in the relationship.
Once I started understanding this and started putting a flashlight to my deep, dark feelings and fears, I got to know myself in a very deep, powerful way.
See, people can easily assume they know themselves well because they are living in their own body and mind, but most people, especially women, don’t know who they are deep down.
They prefer to tend to other people’s
problems than to take care of their own selves and feel their own raw, painful feelings.
Once I started knowing myself better and started having a very intimate, forgiving, accepting relationship with myself, I started having more intimate, forgiving, accepting relationships with men. The more I faced my dark side,
the more I accepted myself and risked sharing with men who I was inside and what I really needed from them.
Instead of harping on a man about how he’d never share his feelings, I started sharing mine and doing it in a way that was inviting men to really SEE me and my vulnerable, soft, needful side.
I stopped jumping to defend myself around men and started revealing to them how much I really cared for them and how I was extremely susceptible to their wounding of me, intentional or not.
I stopped getting angry at their reactions to my feelings and marinating in my anger, and started guiding men toward comforting me in a way that felt good and created intimacy.
I did so without needing any validation that my feelings were acceptable. I knew they were acceptable.
Everyone’s feelings are always acceptable.
Feelings are young and irrational. And it’s okay to feel them and to express them to ANYONE, especially to the man you love.
Once I realized that men weren’t going to run because I had bucket-loads of feelings, I was able to share my feelings more. And guess what happened? Men started sharing their feelings back.
I had freed myself up to be a
REVEALER and EXPOSER instead of a whiner, a begrudger and a puller.
I
started bringing men emotionally closer to me.
I had once whined to other men I dated after my marriage about how they didn’t tend to my feelings the “right way” and thus, didn’t care about me. I now expressed myself to men I dated and didn’t focus on their reactions. Sharing my feelings was about getting something out in the air, not about forcing a connection.
Where I had once stayed mum and secretly resented my husband for not caring enough and taking care of my feelings enough, I started expressing my feelings all the time and focused on sharing my feelings over needing him to make me feel better.
As a result, men came closer to me, wanting to comfort me and wanting to learn HOW to comfort me better.
And where I had once struggled to PULL connection out of my husband by DEMANDING he talk to me about his feelings and needs, I began to trust that men would open up to me if I created a safe place for them to do so by making them MY safe place first.
As a result, men were telling me things about themselves they had never told anyone before.
I had men crying to me, calling me months after our
relationship had ended and pining for the emotional connections we had shared.
I’m going to expose you to your dark side where your fears and ugly feelings exist. I’m going to help you accept yourself in your entirety so that you can love a man unconditionally too. I’ll also show you how to trust your man so that he can be honest with you about his feelings without you “punishing” him for it.
I’ll help make you the woman he NEEDS in his life in order to feel like he can go out into the world and be the best man he can be. Women need to feel a deep emotional connection, a cushion of emotional security, and men need to feel that a woman soothes their insecurities and puts them out into the world as more capable, most confident men.
If you get him to this place, he will never leave and will share an emotional connection with you that will probably be the deepest one he’s had with anyone in his life.
Let’s begin.
Chapter Three Finding Your Fire’s Voice
Every enchantress not only embraces all her negative feelings, she knows for the most part, what triggers them.
If you want to be close to a man and draw him in, you are going to have to have a better relationship with yourself and know all your triggers.
Knowing
your triggers can prevent you from blowing things out of proportion, walling yourself up to a man’s emotional advances or acting out to avoid intimacy.
You can only be as close to someone as you are to yourself! Remember this. It’s critical. If you don’t know yourself well and don’t have a very intimate relationship with yourself, you won’t allow yourself to get intimate with someone else.
When you reject aspects of yourself (dark feelings, shameful truths, vulnerable needs for tenderness and touch, etc.), you will subconsciously reject these aspects in a man. And your man (same goes for most every man AND woman) never wants to feel rejected when he opens up to you.
When he feels like he can’t expose his whole self to you or can’t have a tender connection with you, he stops feelings safe in the relationship and
insecurities brew; “What if she discovers THIS about me?” Or “What if I told her all my crazy thoughts and she couldn’t take it all?” Or “What is it about my intimacy that turns her off?”
Your man probably will never admit that he thinks about this stuff, but I assure you that he really wants to be accepted in his entirety and not feel faced with abandonment.
Because he wants acceptance and closeness, your man doesn’t want to feel like the woman he loves is hiding behind a wall and won’t let him emotionally or physically near her. He doesn’t want to think you are fun and sexy but not emotionally sound and accepting of his darkest truths and scariest, most shameful feelings.
Not having a good relationship with yourself, that evolves over time, will lead to the same thing in your relationship with him—a stunted connection that has a glass ceiling on it. In order for men to stay committed without getting bored, they need to be in an evolving relationship. Without a connection that is always deepening, he will begin to feel lonely in the relationship and he’ll drift away from you over time.
And if you don’t begin to know your triggers, you may sabotage relationship and not understand why. When you don’t know yourself, you risk not
knowing why you do things to push him away or even that you are doing them! You risk avoiding closeness and the vulnerability that intimacy brings up inside you.
There are ways that you can begin to take that journey toward your true self and I will share these ways now; however, I also advise therapy.
Therapy is a wonderful way to know get to know yourself better. Most people have this idea that therapy is for people with emotional and mental troubles—crazies who are damaged goods to others. That’s entirely not true. A good therapist is simply a tour guide. She/he knows how to read the maps and use the compass so that you can take a better, safer, deeper, journey to your core. Sometimes we need the outside perspective so that we have the clearest sense of reality and of whom we are inside.
But to start your journey, get a journal.
Journal writing is a very helpful way of getting to know yourself better, and just so that you don’t get overwhelmed, I’ll give you some structure on how to write.
First, take a few weeks and dedicate yourself to stopping every few hours out of every day to jot down your thoughts and feelings and possible triggers for those thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes when we keep track of our thoughts and feelings, we see themes. Do you think a lot about what people think about you? Do you worry a lot about the way you look? Do you feel angry at the slightest insult? Etc.
When you read over the journaling after the time period is over, you may notice some patterns in your thoughts and feelings.
You may see that you are a negative person or you may see that you are more positive than you realize. You may see things about yourself that loved ones have tried to tell you about (you worry too much, you are too insecure, you are controlling).
Don’t beat yourself up, just be a witness and have an unbiased view of yourself. Imagine that you are looking at this journaling like you are reading the private thoughts of another woman. What would you say about her from a neutral perspective? Does she worry too much? Is she high-strung? Does she play victim? Is she a courageous woman?
What are the aspects about her that may keep her from having closeness with a man? What are her positive traits that she needs to embrace and celebrate more?
Be very observant about what triggers both positive AND negative thought patterns and feelings. Do you get overjoyed when your family acknowledges your accomplishment? Do you have the best days ever when you take the time to meditate in the morning?
Or, reversely, do set yourself up for bad days by doing certain things that hurt you over and over again, hoping for a different outcome each time?
For example, do you keep setting yourself up for rejection from certain people you know you can’t trust?
Do you burn mental energy on trying to
control people’s reactions when you know that’s impossible? Do you keep self-sabotaging by breaking diets or personal goals?
When you can know your triggers, you can start to see how you contribute to your own unhappiness. You can take that knowledge into your relationship, share that knowledge with your man and ask him to help you see yourself better.
For example:
I have a hard time allowing myself to be happy. I actually get anxious about happiness. Every time something good happens in my life, I feel like something bad is going to happen.
Well, you can see how I may take that into my relationships with men, and once I realized that I have trouble accepting happiness, I started watching my actions with my man to make sure that when things were going smoothly for us, I didn’t start doing something to sabotage our bliss.
Telling him about this pattern of mine makes him feel honored that I’m that honest with him, and it helps him to keep me in check when I try to sabotage the relationship. It also allows him to understand me better as a partner.
Another example:
I have a pattern of trying to fix problems and people. I always take it upon myself to be the person in a room who resolves a conflict between others. If someone across a crowded room spills a drink, I have a hard time not running over and cleaning it up for them.
Well, you can see how that can harm me in relationships. I always look for men that need saving. I love to be the woman who comes into a relationship and fixes everything about the other person—resolving all their inner conflicts. It’s not a good way to be because most men that need saving are pretty immature, incapable of intimacy, and committed for the most part to drowning in their misery.
After making it a habit to journal my thoughts and feelings, I know when a man’s actions are triggering that savior side of me. I can step back and allow him to help himself-- intimacy sometimes means letting the other person have the freedom to not feel managed or ‘fixed’ by you.
So, journal your thoughts and feelings and make note of possible triggers for them. You may discover some patterns that can help you find ways in which you keep yourself worked up and focused on the wrong things, which don’t serve your happiness. This can keep you disconnected from your man or from having a good relationship.
The second way you can journal to find your voice is to write about your ideal, fantasy relationship and then about your worst nightmare relationship.
What would each look like? How would your man treat you in your fantasy and in your nightmare relationship? What would he say in moments of comfort or celebrating? How would he touch you? Etc.
When you fantasize, you get a clear picture of your likes and your dislikes in love. You may get a clearer picture of what you do and don’t like about your current relationship. Sometimes we have a feeling inside about a man who we are dating-- good or bad-- but we don’t know why he makes us feel that way.
For example:
I didn’t have a good sex life in one of my relationships. It was terrible. I craved sex with someone else so badly and at the time I didn’t even know why I had stayed with him for the months that I did. I beat myself up about staying, thinking that I had been too scared of being alone to just leave.
However, now when I think of my fantasy relationship, I always see myself in a relationship that allows me to be vulnerable, soft, emotional and deeply loved by a man who makes me feel emotionally safe. Because of this deep need to feel like I can surrender my feminine side to a man, I now realize that I hated sex with my ex because I felt like he stifled my soft, loving, vulnerable side. I felt like he was a brute who screamed a lot and deep down I didn’t want him near my body-- so during sex I shut down.
If I had known that then, I could have talked about my feelings more directly and maybe if he was willing to stop being so verbally aggressive, I would have connected better physically with him.
I also see now why I stayed. As much as he screamed, he was a very committed person in a relationship. He never looked at other women, he never made me feel like he wanted another woman or even thought about it.
I liked that a lot and I didn’t realize how much I needed that until I fantasized about my nightmare relationship. In my nightmare relationship I was with a man who never could commit to closeness (physical and/or emotional). My nightmare man was a sex addict and porn addict who could never stop cheating.
My ex’s commitment to monogamy was strong. When I realized this, it made me stop beating myself up about why I stayed with him. Maybe if I had spoke to him about his temper by introducing the conversation with this positive aspect that I loved about him, he would have felt appreciated enough to listen and try to adapt to me more.
(Side note: Adapting for each other’s needs is so important. You should never feel like you have to be someone you aren’t in a relationship, but you have to work on treating someone a certain way so that they feel loved by you. Love isn’t just about doing for the person the way you want them to do for you, but about doing for him in the ways he needs of you.)
When you are clear about your likes and dislikes, you can communicate them clearly and give your man a chance to know you and your needs better.
The third thing you can write about in your journal is your feelings specifically about the dynamic of your relationship.
Write A LOT about your relationship. I know you probably burn a lot of energy thinking about your relationship, so now it’s time to write those thoughts down.
What do you spend the most time thinking about: The future with your man? The past? All the things you want him to change about himself? All the hurtful things he says to you? All the ways you can ‘fix’ yourself to be better for him?
When you take the time to write on exactly how you burn your mental energy on your man, you begin to realize things about your role in the relationship…
Are you too focused on getting him to change various aspects of his personality? Are you very sensitive to his moods and think a lot about how he hurts you? Are you the only one of the two of you who tries to work things out?
When you see the issues in the relationship that worry you, you can: *Bring them up with him to come to a solution together. Or *You can find ways to deal with these fears and needs on your own, while still being honest and expressing them to him.
You may even realize that you spend a lot of time trying to hook him or snag him but don’t actually enjoy him and the moments you spend together.
I dated this guy who was a dreamboat. He was so cute and fun. But he wasn’t that into me. He really enjoyed my friendship and sex but wasn’t committed in his heart.
I spent so much energy working to gain his love—being nicer and hotter and funnier, etc.…
But when I started writing about my feelings surrounding the relationship, I realized that I felt very uncomfortable around him all the time. Even when he was really classy and sweet, I felt like I just wanted to leave his place, go home, take off my make-up and binding mini skirts, open some ice cream and act like my goofy self again.
I couldn’t feel comfortable just being myself around him. And when I realized this, I was able to easily leave the relationship.
Besides journaling your feelings and thoughts so that you can know yourself better, I recommend constantly asking yourself the question, “What do I want to do right now?”
If you are invited out with your man, do you really want to go? If your husband acts like a jerk one night, do you really want to shut up and take his crapola again or do you want to get up, leave him alone with his hostility and go in the next room and read a book? If he wants sex, do you really want to give it to him?
Taking the time to ask yourself what you want to do in a given situation, you may realize that you often do things you don’t want to do to please a man.
Now, you don’t have to take the next step, which would be to always do what you do want, I just want you to always ask yourself what you’d rather do so that you can start showing your inner voice-- your Female Fire side-- that it has power and that you listen to it.
Sometimes when you ask yourself that question, you may be surprised at the degree of the emotional reaction your inner voice will have; “What do I really want to do? Kill him! Jump off a building! Scream at the top of my lungs! Sit here and cry for an hour!”
When this happens, acknowledge the powerful feelings by breathing deep and letting them pass through.
This is important, because if we don’t honor
powerful feelings and judge ourselves for having them, we are causing our relationships and ourselves a lot of stress.
Ignoring those kinds of powerful feelings usually makes us end up feeling guilty for having those feelings and we go against them, doing the very thing we didn’t want to do in the first place. This is an intimacy KILLER.
For example: Your husband wants sex. You ask yourself if that’s what you want to do and realize that you’d rather string him up to a tree and skin him naked than let him touch you. This may make you ashamed of such anger and resentment- he is only trying to have sex with his wife, after all. Normally, these feelings would make you feel so ashamed that you might have sex with him just to not feel bad.
But if you consistently acknowledge your true desire to avoid sex, you are much more likely to start opening up about your feelings with him over time. This will get you back to a healthy, honest relationship.
When you acknowledge your true voice, you are always happiest and most confident; you are more likely to invite intimacy with a man when you are happy and confident.
What will eventually happen when you listen to your inner voice is that you will begin to automatically do what you want to do without guilt or anxiety. Sometimes we get upset with men because we think they are making us do things for them and the relationship that we don’t want to do. We feel like
they are putting us on the spot and that we will feel too guilty or ‘bad’ if we don’t do something for them. Or we feel terrified that not doing something will make them leave us.
However, a man doesn’t want you to do things out of guilt. He doesn’t want you to resent him or be tense around him. And he doesn’t want you to avoid being yourself out of a fear of losing him.
Don’t expect him to know that he shouldn’t be asking certain things of you or taking you for granted in certain ways. You take care of you and start having the kind of relationship with yourself where you are aware of how things make you feel, so that you can begin to only do the things you want to do.
When you follow your inner voice, you don’t have resentments and you bring less hostility to the relationship. You make room for both of you to know each other’s needs and limits, moods and reactions, and you both ultimately build more closeness in a safe, healthy way that’s void of hostile feelings like resentment.
Remember Rule #2 to giving and doing for a man: You have to enjoy the giving and doing, too! Asking yourself “What do I really want to do?” will help you eventually get to this place.
Chapter Four Expressing Your Voice
Once you are writing about your feelings, thoughts and triggers, and you are constantly asking your Female Fire side what it wants to do in any given situation, you should start taking time to be honest with your man about your feelings.
Whenever you are feeling upset, happy, lonely, misunderstood, disconnected, connected, happy, safe, overwhelmed, etc., take a chance to comment on your feelings!
Simply say aloud in his presence, “I’m feeling disconnected” or “When someone ignores me, I feel awful!” And then do nothing but stay still in your feelings. Don’t get upset if your man rolls his eyes and don’t say something snooty. Don’t run out of the room and hide in your pillow. Just sit in your feelings—not running to him or away from him.
Simply voice your feelings, feel them, and let them pass through. Treat his ears like the pages of your journal. An enchantress never clings to a man to solve an issue and she never runs from a conflict. She just states how she feels without apology. She is fearless and always expresses herself.
Now, a good man will usually try to help comfort you. He will try to make you feel better, if you are feeling upset or down. He will be there to help you talk it through it. Even if he doesn’t take responsibility for hurting you, he still may hold your hand, listen and say, “I don’t want you to feel that way.”
He may not give you all the reassurance and the things you need, but he will be open and understanding.
Even men, whom aren’t initially understanding of your need to express your feelings, will start to open up more and more over time. They will listen better and get less defensive when you mention your feelings. They will start to trust that you aren’t going to start screaming and yelling about all their faults just because you mention that you are feeling something negative.
Once you feel comfortable sharing your feelings more, something funny will happen inside you: you won’t need to comment on your feelings as much anymore. You will start to feel closer and more connected even in moments when you don’t share. The intimacy in your relationship will be strong even in quiet moments when you aren’t on the same page.
The sharing of your feelings aloud just helps to create a safe place for you to feel and experience the comforts of unconditional ‘there-ness’—that the person is unconditionally there to love you no matter what you feel inside.
Sharing your feelings allows for trust to build inside you. When you feel safe in ‘unconditional there-ness’, you start to trust your man. Your trust builds his trust in you and your love.
See, an enchantress knows that a man may find a woman who brings up her feelings a lot to be annoying, but actually, it’s bringing him closer to her.
Why do you think men love ‘crazy’ women-- women who are hyper emotional and create drama all the time? A lot of this is about the man having a chance to feel something. These women are upping the volume and creating such intensely emotional scenarios, that the men are able to feel something, rather than remain rational and logical all the time. The emotional highs and lows let them feel.
These relationships are toxic for many reasons and don’t last. You can get a man to feel more of himself without this. When you can make him feel his feelings in a safe environment, you have created the perfect breeding ground for deep loving feelings to grow.
(Side note: Don’t forget to voice your positive feelings too! It takes a lot of vulnerability to admit when someone touches our hearts and makes us happy. But allowing that vulnerability to be expressed deepens your bond like you wouldn’t believe.)
Chapter Five What to Do When He Opens Up!
Listen up! Here comes the tricky part…
Once you start knowing yourself better and opening up and mentioning how you feel, your man may start to do the same. He probably won’t say, “I feel ___” but he will try in his way to talk about what he is thinking or feeling.
If he does open up, you have to listen and not attack him. This is really hard. When a man says, “I feel disenchanted by this relationship” or “I feel unhappy” while in your presence, you probably are going to want to have a ‘freak out’.
That’s okay. Have an INTERNAL freak out. Feel everything but don’t put the freak out on him—don’t blame, attack, beg, plead, etc. Tell him how you feel back, whether his words hurt, etc. And then do nothing. Don’t yell at him, cry to him for reassurance, etc. This is really hard to do—feel and expose feeling without REACHING for reassurance. Again I repeat—it’s hard.
But if you can make it a safe place for him to reveal his feelings about the relationship and about you, he will do so more often. Then constructive
dialogues begin to take place—he explains why he feels a certain way and possibly what you can do together as a couple to fix the issue.
No woman wants to hear something like, “I’m not attracted to you anymore” or “I don’t like our time together like I used to” but enchantresses are solution-oriented and confident.
Enchantresses know that if a man brings up his feelings to her it’s because he wants to still be with her, he just needs her to help him feel reconnected. She also knows that if she doesn’t listen or makes it all about how she hurts because of his feelings, he will feel unheard and leave her!
You have to be open to hearing the needs of your man and you have to work to give him those needs. He also has to do this for you! You BOTH need to be invested in your relationship on a deep level!
The trust that it takes to tend to his needs, hoping he appreciates your efforts and starts to show up to the relationship better and more fully, is immense.
That’s why an enchantress has to be in a committed relationship
before she can start to work for her relationship.
An enchantress never works for love—she only works to deepen love with her man when he is available to do that work with her, next to her.
Until you get to a strong level of commitment with a man, you only share your feelings, listen to his, do whatever you can for yourself and your happiness and trust that he will come around. You do NOT break your back to earn his love. You do for him when you can and if it feels good, but not for any specific reaction from him.
If he’s not on board 100% then you can’t be either. If he comes around great, if not, you move on.
Emotional intimacy between a man and a woman is a delicate silk thread that is easily broken. Resentment, bitterness, loneliness can seep in and split that thread so fast, it’s scary. You have to stay on top of keeping that connection safe and secure and eventually you will get to a place where you have to both do it together, and a commitment becomes necessary.
An enchantress leads the way, hoping that her man will dive in and give her a commitment. She never asks for it nor does she do more for him than he does for her. She only works at revealing her WHOLE self to a man—her insecurities, her fears, her needs—and then gives him the room he needs to see how amazing she is and how precious she is in his life. If he can’t realize this, she can’t be there.
How long does this take? You have to decide. Follow all the enchantress secrets in Red Rose and the tips in this book, and when you feel like you have put your best foot forward for love, you’ll know when to give up.
Chapter Six Some Tips To Boost Your Intimacy Quotient
Intimacy is all about the small moments. It happens in the passing moments of life—a hug before work, a childhood confession after sex, a kiss before bed, a laugh in the car coming home from a date, a chat about mutual dreams over wine and bad cheese…
It’s important to make the best of these small moments. It’s the small moments that add up in his mind and make him feel safe enough to come closer to you. Physical closeness in these moments make him feel passionate enough about you to desire your sex and body for life.
Before I conclude, I want to offer some simple ways to make you feel and act like the kind of woman who effortlessly invites deep intimacy in the small moments of a relationship.
First way to bring him in: Open your heart.
In Inspire His Love For You (http://www.inspirehisloveforyou.com), my other e-program for women, Sarah Jeanette and I talk at length about having an open heart. I strongly recommend this program for that simple reason alone.
But for now I will say that having positive and loving thoughts running through your head about your man will produce a loving feeling inside you for him. Intimacy can be DESTROYED at the drop of a hat. One nasty remark, one eye roll, one missed phone call and the love can go from tender to tense to nonexistent.
You have to take moments when you are about to see him or are in his presence (especially moments when you are feeling disconnected or unappreciated), and you have to change your thoughts so that you don’t make choices from a place of distrust.
Think about him and come up with at least three things you love about him. Cloud your head with love so that you don’t start feeling distrust.
Distrust makes us stiff, anxious, brittle, cranky and walled-up.
It makes
men unable to feel our femaleness and melt into us. We become off-putting to men and seem cold and less sweet.
Men love warm, sweet women who authentically FEEL warm and sweet inside. Opening your heart by changing your thoughts will change the way FEEL inside. This shift in your feelings will make you touch him, look at him, laugh with him, joke with him, all from a place of deep love and trust. It will
make you sexy and more inviting. Sexiness is often times just about being more open to love!
Enchantresses are masters of this. They know how to look at a man and immediately see all his goodness, all his vulnerability! This changes the way she acts with him and as a result, he feels weak in the knees and full of a desire to please her.
Ever meet a woman who made you feel like you were so valuable to her that she never hesitated to hug you or talk with you like you were the most important woman in the room? She looked at you with love in her eyes as you spoke and touched you often to show you she was connected to you. She was enchanting you with her love and open heart!
The second way to bring him in: Touch him.
Your touch is so important to your man. Touch him often and with lots of love in your heart.
Caress him lightly, like his skin is something your fingers are curious about. Touch him like you are acknowledging the beautiful, sensitive soul that resides under his skin.
Don’t touch him to claim him or to own him. Touch him only to show him that you are there, seeing his essence, his light, his goodness, etc. Touch him to show him that he is safe with you and that you are a place for him to feel comfortable being himself and taking down his guard. He has to take off his armor with you at his own pace and at his own will, but your touch just shows him that you are available to “hold his truths” when he is ready.
The third way to bring him in: Your affirming words.
An enchantress never misses the opportunity to tell a man how manly he is. She knows that he needs to feel like a great knight and therefore, she never misses an opportunity to flatter his status in her eyes.
She says things like, “You are a great man!” Or “The way you _____ is incredible” or “You really know how to make me happy, baby!”
He needs this. He needs to feel like he is important to you because he is so capable as a man to make you happy and make you admire him.
This is the key to seducing a man! If you want him to act like a knight in shining armor, you have to LET him be your knight and you have to give him encouragement by telling him how great he is at doing it.
Fourth way to bring him in: Your sensuality!
Just like you have to change your thoughts to open your heart, you have to change your body language to open up the space between you and a man and make room for intimacy to grow.
When you are fully in your senses as a woman, you are feeling your body. When you can taste, smell, touch, hear and see things acutely and with deep sensitivity, you are living in your body as a woman.
Men need a woman who can slow down and live in her body. Men live in their heads—thinking all the time, processing their thoughts to come up with a rational solution. Their overworked minds need to take a break and a woman who can draw a man out of his thoughts and into his senses with her own sensuality is a seductress.
When you quiet your mind and live in the moment, really allowing your senses to fill up with the sensory objects and sounds around you, you become so inviting for a man.
When you can sit with him at dinner and talk about how good the food is and how much you love the art on the walls, he’ll feel connected to you in a romantic way. Romance happens over talks about things that open your senses—poetry, music, breath-taking scenery, etc. It doesn’t happen over chats about taxes and daily to-do lists.
When you are in your senses, your body loosens up, your mind goes calm and your intimacy-quotient rises. Your intimacy quotient is how intimate your energy feels to a man—whether he wants to get close with you or not by the way you move and talk…
You walk different after a hot bath and a douse in perfume oil than you do when you take a quick shower and slather on some cheap body lotion.
You listen more during a conversation when you introduce classical music into your life more often and can be genuinely moved by the nuances in the music.
A man can notice small shifts like these, even if they are just about something as subtle as the way you walk into a room or how long you can deeply listen without interrupting him in a conversation. These shifts in your sensuality lead to more moments of intimacy and a willingness on his part to know you better.
Book’s Summary Points •
Don’t try to be someone you aren’t to play the part of a man’s fantasy woman.
•
Always strive to reveal your whole self to a man.
•
Know yourself through journaling your thought patterns, your needs and your relationship issues.
•
Always ask yourself what you want to do!
•
Open a man up by revealing all your feelings as they happen.
•
Don’t reach to him for comfort or pull reassurance from him, but allow him come to you in his own time and in his own way.
•
Share your positive feelings with him, too.
•
Listen to his needs without getting defensive
•
Only settle for a relationship with an INVESTED man.
•
Have an open heart, a giving touch, a supportive dialogue and a sensual outlook on life to further magnetize his heart!
